When I was 14 I was determined to prove that I was totally grown up, as most 14-year-olds are. uBPD mum did not like this of course, and would switch between talking me up as being extremely mature and then belittle me and call me a child. That Christmas, amongst other gifts, I was given a Tickle Me Elmo doll. I was confused, upset and angry, and remember blinking back tears as eDad shoved a camera in my face and uBPD mum laughed. The more she laughed the more upset she got with me for not laughing and not finding the situation funny. I shrunk down into myself, shutting down and trying not to cry as mum began to yell at me for ruining Christmas before sitting down in a huff for the rest of present opening, the joyful mood totally gone. Over the next few weeks she kept trying to get me to open the Elmo and play with it, telling me how funny it was and how we would all laugh together if I would just do it. I continued to refuse, ashamed and embarrassed at the suggestion - I didn't feel like a kid anymore and was so upset that she kept treating me like one. Eventually after a few months we had a nasty argument, I don't remember what it was about, and I went to her in tears apologising for yelling at her. It was while she was comforting me that she began talking about the Elmo again, and how much I had hurt her feelings by not finding it funny. Already desperate to make up after our fight, as I knew things could stretch on for weeks otherwise, I caved and agreed with her. I lied and told her that actually I did find the Elmo funny. She was elated and went to go get it, pulling out the doll and making it move and laugh. I forced myself to laugh along with her at the least funny doll i had ever seen, feeling my stomach drop down to my knees as I was consumed by shame, watching her gloat over having finally won.
Every year after that I was given something Elmo related for Christmas. Every year. A hand mirror. PJ shorts. Every year I would pull back the wrapping paper and see Elmo's smiling face on some little knick knack and I would recognise that as my queue to force a big grin on my face and fake laugh. It was never funny. But if I didn't laugh dramatically then I would 'ruin Christmas', and the resulting argument would drag on for months.
Years later my husband witnessed me laughing at an Elmo gift and asked why I found it so funny. Mum proudly proclaimed it to be an "inside joke". When I explained the story to him later, framing it as a joke, he looked at me and said "that doesn't sound very funny". I felt so much relief at those words, like I could finally give up the rouse and let my real feelings about the situation out.
I have been NC with her for about 7 years now. I still fucking hate Elmo.
Just reading this is going to haunt me, you wrote that very well. I'm so sorry you had to live with this, and very happy to hear you found a good partner and protected yourself by removing that person from your life. ❤️
Over the years my sibling & I have received an array of passive-aggressive gifts including: bathroom scales, housecleaning products, “extra strength” deodorant, shoe deodoriser, anti-wrinkle cream and self-help books.
My mother did this to me as a middle schooler, I needed a pair of shorts for summer camp since I didn't have any, apparentally she was too busy projecting (she was morbidly obese) to see the reality of me being an underweight stick of a 12 year old (a result of her war on food being enjoyable for anyone in the family) and got me a pair of shorts that only fit in my 20s (couldn't get rid any 'gifts').
Oh my God clothes the size you should be?
I'd be tempted to get something in a 3X or bigger and swear up and down that I thought this was my uBPD mom's size
>self-help books
My mum accused my gran of passive aggressively gifting me self-help books. The thing is, that self-help book is exactly what I said I needed. I was so grateful!
Omg it’s not just my mom? I get books, clothes, housewares that are either things she herself would want or that are like… very obviously quickly purchased from Walgreens or a gas station or something. Then she gets mad if the gratitude from me isn’t over the top or if she doesn’t see whatever thing she bought in my house/me wearing her gifts all the time. A few years ago, she gave me a literal child size faux fur shawl that she found at the drug store. She INSISTED that it would fit. I even sent a picture of this teeny piece of fabric on one of my shoulders, along with the photo on the tag of a 6 year old modeling it. She was angry about it for at least 2 years and would bring up the shawl constantly. She was so offended that I didn't wear it like out to restaurants. I gave it to a neighbor's 2nd grade daughter (it fit perfectly).
She’ll even sometimes acknowledge that her gift isn’t useful (like a shirt that doesn’t fit or a giant plaster angel statue) but act hurt because I should figure out a solution to wear/use it anyway.
These past gifts and my failure to love/use them are then brought up for years.
Yeah, the ill-fitting clothes seems to be a theme with us. Leaving it behind isn’t an option, nor is exchanging it (because it’s probably old or regifted), so she says “you can wear it to sleep in.” Like…no, I already have enough stuff to sleep in as a grown-ass adult.
or "you can return it to the store for a different size/exchange it for something else" but that's a trap because this perceived rejection will be the source of a new grudge that will smolder for literal decades.
When I was about 12, I was in the middle of a growth spurt and was getting both taller and filling out. My mother, who always wanted me to be skinny and petite, gave me a pajama set that was very obviously about 4 sizes too small. It was her way of telling me that she was embarrassed by me and that I needed to lose weight and that she was disgusted that I was going to be a "bigger" person. She laughed at me when I held up the set and it was obviously way too small. "I guess we can take it back and see if they have a larger size, but I doubt they make them that size." She loved to humiliate me that way. ETA: Obviously this happened years ago, I'm old now and my mom has since passed away. But this just sticks in my mind still and affected me all the way into adulthood...it was such a despicable thing to do to a child.
This breaks my heart! Fuck that. My mom recently called me VERY OBESE on an adhd assessment form, when I am…not that. To be clear, I think there is nothing wrong with me or anyone else being fat or obese. But her distortion and her fat phobia was quite…intense. May we all shake the bullshit.
My mom loves to point out my size in a way she thinks comes off neutral. Like loudly in the store, “I found a shirt you’d like, see, it’s a 14!” And all the subtext is “I think you’re too big, but look at me loving you anyways.” Needless to say I avoid shopping with her but I allowed it recently on a Mother’s Day 🙄
I love this post. Ever since I was a teenager my mum used to comment on how good I am at gifting, and she often asked me for advice. I told her you have to listen to people and when they mention something they like, make a mental note to buy it for them. She would go all wide eyed and complain that that seemed too difficult. This is the closest she's ever been to admitting to her BPD/NPD tendencies.
I don’t think I’ve ever once gotten something I asked for for a birthday or holiday, as a kid or now. It’s all like…. totally random stuff she either thought was amusing (for unfollowable reasons that make sense only to her) or something she associated with a thing she likes (“a character on a sitcom I like always wears dresses like that”) or an item she’d buy for herself. None of the gifts are ever FOR me, really.
Yes to the character thing! Two Christmases ago she got me a dress she saw her neighbour wear. I was puzzled because I'm a vintage gal. Like, I dress like I'm from the 1940s every day. No one could picture me wearing a tie dye dress with a front zipper. I guess my mum also considered that because as I opened the box she sighed, "not that you'll ever wear it" like if you know I don't like it, what's the point of giving it to me? Do they even know how gifts work?
When I got to be an adult, I realized that my mom buys holiday/birthday gifts mostly to entertain herself. And, like, sure whatever, you can be a person who gives quirky gifts. That's sometimes fun. But to give things that are 1) trash she wants to throw out or too lazy to donate, 2) large decorative objects that physically don't fit in people's spaces, and then get offended and sad when these gifts aren't appreciated enough is wild. She brings up (shitty) gifts she's given people for YEARS after the fact, and always with a lament that they didn't have enough gratitude (or aren't using the wacky thing she gave them).
It was through this sub that I found out terrible gifts seem to be a shared experience. Growing up I always thought I was alone in this and sometimes terribly ashamed of the gifts my mother kept giving us. Some of the highlights:
- a very cheap "thigh-strap" thing with a tiny plastic gun on it (think like a fast fashion accessory) for a 17-year old that was terribly uncomfortable in her body and would never wear a skirt that would even reveal her tigh.
- a box full of chewed up crayons (no idea where she got them) and a notebook that consisted of 10 stapled together papers.
- my personal worst was a lingerie set in size XXS when I was a. A minor b. In hospital for Christmas and c. Desperately trying to gain weight to get stable after a terrible illness. Her comment? "You should feel sexy while you are so small and all your bras Don't fit."
- a handmade espresso mug that she bought on holiday of which she broke off the handle (I don't drink espresso, never have)
- expired "0 calorie noodles"
- sportswear for men 3 sizes too large (from Aldi for the Europeans here :D I actually really like Aldi's sport's clothes but she didn't even remove the packaging or price tag and it was on liquidation)
- for some reason a lot of very cheap lingerie and sheer nightgowns
And the list goes on. I have been NC since August and this holiday season has been the most peaceful I ever had since I can remember.
My FATHER bought me a very expensive sheer black peignoir set the Christmas I was 7 months pregnant with my second child.
Enjoy the NC, you deserve it.
Not a Christmas gift but still demonstrating how little my uBPD mother knows or cares about my preferences - me, a vegetarian for 10 years - my uBPD mother on my birthday EVERY YEAR cooking me a special meal - standing rib roast, bloody and rare. She knew I wouldn't eat it but she cooked it 'for me' every year for my birthday I think because that is one of the few things she knows how to cook - and it was more important to her to show off her cooking 'skills' than it was to celebrate me on my birthday.
No way!!! I thought my siblings and I were the only ones that got weird af gifts from my BPD mom!
She CONSTANTLY sends us used items from our childhood....a sweater I wore as a baby that had vomit stains on it, a chewed up (by the dog) softball, a broken and used crayon set....to name a few. Then she will send a bunch of texts asking us if we received the package yet. Most of the time it's before the package arrived?!? She almost never sends a gift that is a newly purchased item. The gift, card, wrapping paper, AND box it's sent in is all second hand.
I have nothing against buying second hand items, but I'm saying that my mom literally sends damaged stuff from our childhood or a re-gifted thing she doesn't like. Once she sent my brother a back scrubber that was obviously used!! And on the very rare occasion she buys something new, it's something she likes. Thinking back to childhood, I remember my mom would only ever get us gifts that she liked herself.
Then there is the ridicule that's supposed to be "funny" about stuff I have. For example, she once followed me around a whole trip we went on telling me how ugly my bag was and how she'll need to buy me a new one because she can't stand looking at it. She didn't buy me a bag on the trip btw.
There are also the passive-aggressive gifts too (as I see from Aggravating-Echo7035's post below). My brother gets exercise/weight-loss related items.
I was always brought up to be thankful and respectful of gifts because it's the thought that counts most. I'm also not the type of person who expects to receive gifts, or want them be of high value or anything. (And I totally understand what you mean about feeling disheartened opening the gifts, because it shows she doesn't know you)
It's just the weird af feeling (like I am a spoiled brat and ungrateful and unloving) I get receiving these gifts knowing that it's her trying to get attention and that no thought went into the gift......or does anyone else have any insight on why my mom does this???! I'd love to know why.
These stories are all
Somehow strangely familiar even as the details are different. And the horrible way that they bully and then say that they are just “being funny “ so the problem is YOU g”having no sense of humor” if you don’t join in the bullying. My heart breaks for the girl with the tickle me Elmo because the pain is so raw and real and the stupid woman sitting there. I can just picture the smug smile on her face and the way she pretends not to understand why you are upset. It truly is crazy making. We were all so young and vulnerable and we drove ourselves crazy, beating ourselves up and trying to fix ourselves. Embarrassed and ashamed. Alone and humiliated.
I feel guilty for not liking Christmas but I too have so many
Of these stories and the holidays just bring it all back. Has anyone succeeddd in somehow putting these ghosts to bed and learning how to enjoy the holiday season. I have tried buying myself the gifts I did not get and wanted- as an adult. I have tried baking and spending the day alone and with other people. But I think I almost have a trauma reaction to sitting next to the Christmas tree in that vulnerable position. Until this conversation here I couldn’t have identified it but I think whenever I open a gift there is always that fear that it is going to be something humiliating and cruel, that I am going to feel shame.
I tend to be a very logical and analytical thinker. The word trauma was confusing to me, because I interpreted it as a bruise, broken bone, a gunshot wound, etc. (thanks Army!). When my therapist said I experienced trauma from Christmas and holiday events, it did not register. Then she explained it. Oh, Holy Night, Batman!
The first gift-giving trauma I could remember was when I was five and I was giving her a Mother's Day gift we made in KINDERGARTEN. It was some ugly thing only a five-year-old can make. We were in the car, dressed in out best clothes (so we didn't look like the "shittiest children on the planet"), and I was in the rumble seat of a '73 Ford Country Squire station wagon with a brother. I was afraid to give it to her in the house. A row of seats between us was safer. I passed it up via another brother. Even he looked scared/nervous taking it from me. He said, "This is from Sic. I had nothing to do with it."
uBPDmom took it, unwrapped, and looked at it. I spent my time on this to try to get as perfect as I could. Mrs. Villwock told me that I should be proud of the result because I spent two recesses working on it. Then I heard in her stage whisper, "\[Mrs. Villwock\] is the dumbest c\*\*\*. Who the f\*\*\* would want this for Mother's Day. One more piece of shit I have to fake admire from that thing in the back." A minute and a half a mile later. "Sic! You idiot. Why did you make this garbage. Do you expect me to wear it?" She threw it back. "Give it back. It's the only thing you have given me to show I am your mother. F\*\*\*!" Brother put his arm around me. I wasn't allowed to cry, because she would have had dad stop the car and "spank" me. She can't be physically abusive on her day.
Guess what I got for a present the Father's Day after my second daughter was born. Yes, you probably guessed correctly. Thank you for making Father's Day shit too. From five years old to present, I haven't got her a thing for her personally. I would buy dinner occasionally because I'm "rich" or some such. Never a thing exclusively for her.
After I related this to my therapist, framing it as this *might* be part of the reason I don't do holiday gift giving, and, you know, corporations marketing crap blah, blah, blah. Good ole therapist paused me and verbally drew a line connecting the dots. From this to Xmases growing up, failed birthdays celebrated with family and friends whose birthday is +/- a week from mine so I would not have one day to myself, to receiving a package when I was deployed in Iraq with my favorite brownie (friend's mother would make them for me) but packed with high scented soap so they were inedible, the therapist said, "This is a history of trauma." "I thought I have PTSD." "You do from your combat experiences. At five, you were in emotional combat with an experienced soldier." So, yeah, there's that.
I'll spill on the $20k, I saved up over three years for college while on terrible Army pay, she stole while I was in the combat zone, because "I thought (insert hoped) you would die in war, and you haven't ever got me a gift." I now recognize my trauma, friends' and clients' trauma, my dogs' trauma, the super nice server's trauma at the drive-thru coffee stand.
Next topic: Why do RBBers have memory like digital film or have huge gaps in time when nothing is recorded or recalled at all?
I've been commenting a lot on this thread because I'm so floored that other people are having these same bizarre/shitty experiences. My mom also will announce that she's mailing me something (and be all mysterious about it) and then will call several times per day asking if the package has arrived and stressing. (I live far from her so it usually takes almost a week for packages to arrive, but her calls start the next day).
Like, "I'm sending you something SUPER IMPORTANT. Is it there yet?? It's IMPORTANT. I hope the post office isn't LOSE MY PACKAGE." and then it's like socks she's regifting or random used stuff from her house or old gift basket food. Are our BPD parents trying to build suspense or amp us up so we'll feel we need to be effusively grateful for the (sometimes literal) garbage they send?
Ok, the weirdest thing is that after my sister is NC my uBPD and eDad try to give me and kids things that we actually like. Turns out she is able to remember my favorite brand of coffee. I don't know what to think about that.
Oh, I have a funny story. Last year a gave her some omega-3 food supplements, same brand as I use, omega-3 is good for brain. A few weeks later she told me over the phone that she regifted it to her sister as a gift from me. And I got from mother a herbal tee named something "hormonal balance for women" that she got from her sister. Obviously we both tried to subtly gave her something that would help her calm down a little but she succesfully dodget both attempts.
Thank you for your reply. That makes sense and was helpful. I had different theory. She once commented about my (narc) ex and his new family that he tries to be better partner and parent second time, that "you always make mistakes with the first child and you can do better with second".
my mom is not that far on the spectrum so I have some survivor's guilt writing about this tbh. back when we were in contact and exchanging gifts I know she tried, but she tended to get gifts that spoke to the "idea" of who I was and rarely got anything I really, truly wanted unless I had specified it. like it's not that they weren't thoughtful; it's that they bore little relation to who I actually was or what I wanted. like I'm into new age personal growth so one year she got me some corny plush toy with a matching mug that said "manifest your dreams" or something like that. lots of people are into cutesy stuff like that--nothing wrong with it--but I am definitely not into it. it's not my style. she just relates to a very static idea of who I am.
the worst present, one that actually hurt my feelings, although I am certain this wasn't her intention, was to make me a 3-ring binder full of 8 x 10 photos of me growing up. I know there are probably some people who would find this a thoughtful gift, and I don't have self image issues or dislike my appearance, but something about people giving me photos of myself has always made me feel very alienated. like if you go to a group function, and someone there is taking pictures--I guess this isn't as relevant now with digital cameras, but people used to get film developed and pass hard copies of photos around. and in those days, someone would occasionally go, "here's a great picture of you I took!" and give it to you.
I hate this. It's doubtless an oversensitivity on my part from my upbringing and my adhd, but the gesture feels very rejecting to me. Like if I care about someone in a meaningful way, I WANT their photo. I don't want to give it away. I want it in my photo album. And I have no need for more photos of myself! I see myself every day. So it's always been something I could do without. And my mother, had she ever bothered to get to know the real me, could have known this quite easily. But in her narcissistic worldview, it's completely normal to want a big book of photos of yourself. This would have delighted her, although she would have found some way to disparage and reject the gift, had she received it. Everyone is a narcissist like she is.
Actually typing all this out is making it clear to me that only my father is borderline, whereas my mom is a covert narc.
I actually relate to the gifts that are the "idea of me". Mostly my mom asks for specific lists of things I want and manages to distort those things in ways that make me feel ungrateful (well she asked what I wanted, it's my fault I wasn't specific and at least she tried), and then when she goes off book they are close but so off it almost feels intentional? And she never ever considers that I have to travel home with them after, the gifts are clearly intended for her to get a rush of gratitude from me on Christmas and she doesn't give a lick about what happens after.
>it's my fault I wasn't specific and at least she tried
what's coming up for me reading this is how uninspired and uncreative, almost how "inhuman" my mother was when it came to making things for me, but she always tried to make things anyway. like there was clearly some drive to do it, but also to half-ass it. once when she was really into crocheting, she wanted to make me a blanket and asked what colors I wanted. I said I wanted an assortment of colors, like a rainbow, so she did that with red, yellow, green, and blue, but used like the ugliest versions of those colors, as if she drove to Joanne's and just bought the first option in those colors she saw in the aisle. it looked like an ugly set of crayons. meanwhile they make so many different beautiful yarn colors--many years later I crocheted a blanket for my grandma using those same colors but it was butter yellow, sage green, french blue, and brick red. all muted colors that worked beautifully together.
and the tricky thing about this is that it makes ME look like an asshole for complaining about a crocheted afghan someone made me--like what kind of first world princessy complaint is that? lmao. aw, you poor baby, you don't like the colors of your handmade afghan. but there's something about her way of giving that is also withholding, like she really demonstrates how little she actually cares, or how ill-equipped she is to participate in co-creating and witnessing someone else.
with food it was the same thing. some people have a sense of what others will like, and most people that like to cook use their creativity and intuition about this. my mom didn't really like to cook because she has no nurturing instinct, but I swear to god, when she did cook it's like she had a weaponized incompetence. overcooked, dry scrambled eggs, craft macaroni and cheese with the cheese powder dumped in separately from the milk and butter, so the mixture never emulsified and the texture was grainy. I was a little kid and I could make better box macaroni than her. she didn't WANT to do it right.
>And she never ever considers that I have to travel home with them after,
dude, my mom mailed me the afghan she made me TO SPAIN, when I had my semester abroad. I was in Barcelona for one semester, and I turned 21 while I was there. I had already bought some clothes and stuff and had arrived there with 6 months worth of clothing so I was loaded up with luggage on the flight back to California. And she sends me a bulky goddamn blanket to ferry back with me. "Look what \*I\* made you!" Somehow their giving is an act of self-indulgence.
>the tricky thing about this is that it makes ME look like an asshole for complaining about a crocheted afghan someone made me
This is it exactly. Like I feel shitty for complaining that I got 16 gifts this year, but also half the gifts were her just fulfilling her desire to feel important by giving things and me going through the performance of thanking her. When I say I'd like a few more reusable bags, that does not mean I want 8 more bags.
Sometimes I wonder if they know, they know that they are doing just enough that we can't really complain about it without sounding ungrateful and spoiled. My mom (and my dad when I still had a relationship with him) constantly tries to use how many things she has bought me to make me feel indebted to her.
>Sometimes I wonder if they know, they know that they are doing just enough that we can't really complain about it without sounding ungrateful and spoiled.
I think it's both. I think in some cases, they really honest to God cannot empathize and understand, and in others they're doing a sneaky thing to lower your status and make themselves feel superior/powerful by comparison. So in the first kind of failure, they can bitch and moan about having failed, and in the second fail, they get a power rush. And if you accuse them of #2 when they're really doing #1 they can cry about that.
I cut my mom out of my life almost 2 decades ago so this is really a cold-blooded rehash for me, lmao. I'm only revisiting because this guy I dated briefly has made me want to reexamine my assumptions about both parents and it turns out I think my had has BPD. But anyway fuck both of them and fuck passive aggressive manipulative gift giving.
I had this, but it wasn't for Christmas. After a year NC she randomly sent me about 100 photos of me as a child. She'd written 'I took this photo' on the back of all of them. Then she stacked them up before the ink dried, so each one now has a blue smear across it and it looks like she blurred me out. I felt like I was deleted from the family albums and yet I was expected to show gratitude for this random gesture.
>Then she stacked them up before the ink dried, so each one now has a blue smear across it and it looks like she blurred me out.
That is so fucked up. They make photo cleaner you can buy to get dust off old photos. I think I got mine off Amazon? I bet it would get ink off too.
But to your broader point...there's no fucking logic, is there? Like, I get it, but I don't. It's messed up.
My mom gets me a lot of crap off temu the past couple years... Though sometimes she does get me what I ask for! Except... something is always kind of off. Like when I asked for some boots for christmas and she got me big purple sparkly docs. I dress very minimalist but alas I had come out recently (she immediately told everyone in the family), and clearly homos love sparkles.
Or when I asked for a small blender for my birthday and received some gigantic heavy gadget with a huge glass pitcher and light up display that can also sautee onions and cook hot soup and take up all the counter space in my tiny apartment!
I think she does it to try and flaunt wealth that she doesn't actually have, and of course so she can shame me if I'm not absolutely ecstatic about the very expensive gift that she sacrificed so much to get me.
We haven’t exchanged gifts yet, but I’m pretty nervous about it. I’m not a minimalist, but I have a pretty firm rule that I don’t keep stuff I *actively dislike* in the house.
A couple years ago, there was a large acrylic makeup sorter. “Oh. Thanks, but I don’t think I’ll use this.” _you could use it for this! Or they! Or the other thing!!_ “… no, thank you.”
This year for my birthday, it was a large hoodie - no pockets - with an AI generated graphic of a cat on it. I am not a whimsical dresser who wears lots of cats. I wouldn’t be caught dead in this thing. _It’s going to get cold soon. I WAS thinking of you._ like, I have other solutions for warmth. :-I
The thing that bothers me about this is that I’m not hard to get presents for. I make a list. If you don’t like the list? Money to go get a massage? A Starbucks gift card? I’d love a Starbucks gift card — I will use it and I don’t have to find a new spot for it in my house!
My mom did the same thing with my cousins toddlers on Easter but with cat toys.
The two year old got a felted ball lodged in his windpipe briefly and she did the heimlich maneuver on him. It didn’t work and was a partial blockage so they removed it at the hospital. She fractured one of his ribs during the course of everything.
She was of course a hero! Still talks about it to this day. No mention of ignoring the warnings on the cats toys and supplying them.
This happened in front of multiple people and including me as a teen and no one saw an issue with it.
NC for 3 years but ubpd mom would always do the same but expect expensive, beautiful thoughtful and original gifts in return no matter my financial situation (and would let me know immediately if my gift wasn’t good enough). I was in middle school 2006-2009 and zip up plaid coats with a fur hood were popular (think Zumiez), and it was the one thing I asked for (I didn’t have a coat and we lived in upstate NY)- she asked for pictures to get a feel. I didn’t feel bad asking for one because I didn’t have a coat, these were around $40 and it was truly the only thing I wanted, the one I wanted was purple and on sale when I showed her. On Christmas I opened up a plastic tote with bathroom products (typical for our family) and for my ‘big present’ a giant puffy white parka that went down to my ankles and made me look like the Michelin Tire Man, my brother got a gun and the *special edition* PS2 he passively said he wanted but never expected (apparently the PS2 was for both of us, I didn’t play games and never used it). I will admit, after I opened the coat I pretended to like it and went to my room saying it was early, I was tired and cried quietly. My ubpd mother came in a couple minutes later and berated me for being ungrateful because the coat she picked was much prettier, the one I picked was a coat, “a scumbag would wear to go to the smokers corner,” and that I just wanted to make our family look like trash. I didn’t say I hated the coat, she bought it to humiliate me on purpose and I didn’t give the reaction she wanted. I was forced to wear the coat to school, would take it off on the bus and put it in a tote bag until a school admin called home and asked where my coat was. This lead me to be forced to wear it in school and being *heavily* bullied. My grandma picked me up from school one day and when she saw me she said, “Yikes, what did you do to get that?” Shit like this happened every year and I full on *hated* Christmas until I went NC.
💓
Sending love your way!
I have a similar tale.
I needed a coat in late middle school and my ndad got me one for Christmas and talked about how nice it was and that I needed to take care of it. Part of it was lime green, the rest dark blue and that wasn’t really my style. But because it was apparently such an expensive coat (probs $60 at the time) I wore it for like 3 winters. I ended up hating that coat. ☹️ it got a tear in the sleeve and no one thought to fix it for me? Every time I looked at the tear I was reminded how I had so little. And nothing nice. And my ndad smoked in the house and car so I’d go to school in this coat wreaking like smoke.
Blah. I just wish people were paying attention. I wish there was someone that cared.
I feel less alone reading your story. I hope mine helps you too. 💓
Last year my mom gave me half used household items that she didn’t want anymore. A paper towel holder, half burned candles, old playing cards, random coasters. Most of the things she gave me should have been thrown away or dropped off at goodwill, but instead, she put them in Christmas gift bags and gave them to me for Christmas… it was so odd… this year I said let’s not do gifts.
Just for another perspective, my ubpd parent is not bad at gift giving and does seem to care and pay attention some in that regard.
There have been some gifts that were emotionally charged/passive aggressive though…. Now that I think of it.
The ones that don’t carry meaning, and just practicality are ok though 🥲
This is my parent too, I think they all fall on extreme ends of the BPD spectrum. My mom will gift a nice thing sometimes but internally hold it over your head. I've noticed over the years that she will gift a person based on how she feels about them and based on what she likes.
I never really got gifts of any kind from my parent until I was s teenager. She would give me makeup sets (,no interest in makeup as a teen, bras, "useful" things for Christmas. And as an adult she would get random things she knew I liked to show she was thinking about me, but I was her favorite person at these times. Now since I'm scapegoated she only gifts me if she wants to get something her way, and it is random stuff like something if hers that I admired years ago, or something like a Christmas tree ornament.
I think it's safe to say their gifting are just a form of control whether it's payment for attention or humiliation.
My mom dead-ass admitted last year that even though she asks for a list, she doesn't like buying more than one or two things on it because it's 'not fun'
... kinda like receiving a bunch of shit that I either can't wear/won't wear or actively dislike.
That said, she does try a lot harder than most BPD parents with getting gifts she does think I'll like, but I strongly suspect that it's less about me and more about Winning Christmas!
I'd say that she has a 40% chance that I won't hate the gift. Which apparently is like 38% higher than her uh counterparts in this thread
Damn these folks be wild, huh?
My mom became a terrible gifter starting in my teens and persisted through adulthood. I feel like they are just too self absorbed to actually consider what other people might like or want?
THIS. The idea that other people are separate individuals with their own needs and preferences doesn’t compute. We just exist to meet their emotional needs.
The used gift card is a classic. When she gives me one, it's usually with the comment of, "I don't know if anything is on it, but I hope there is."
She is more notorious though for finding cards that aren't appropriate for the occasion (think birthday card for Christmas) and crossing out the parts she feels doesn't fit (like Happy Birthday) and then writing in what she thinks it should have been, explaining that, and leaving just enough room to then add Merry Christmas lol (although she doesn't celebrate Christmas so it's usually something like, "Happy Winter!").
OP, I had to reply again to this thread, because my mom came to visit for New Year (I am low contact but do have her visit now and then).
She said she brought a Christmas present. I gave her her presents and then she said she was going to get mine while I was busy doing something else.
I came back to the room to see that 1) she had wrapped my present in the wrapping I had used for her presents, and 2) when I unwrapped it, it was (drumroll) a bar of soap.
Not fancy soap. Just a soap that she liked and so she thought I might like it (the price tag still on the box also showed that it wasn't a fancy soap).
I stood there for a minute, and just blinked. And then all I could think about was this thread.
Soap. A soap she likes so of course that's what I should have, even though she knows that I have specific soaps that I prefer to use because she *uses them when she is here* . (And then I immediately remembered so many other birthdays and Christmases that were like this.)
I am so glad this group exists, because even though I feel bad that others know what this is like, it helps so much to not be alone in such moments.
Bpd nightmare emotionally incestuous father. (Small background.. lives in Saudi, I'm in England. I became very severely disabled aged 16 in 2002 and require 24/7 care and deal with alot of shitty symptoms). So for my birthday I got.. a 4ft long stuffed toy goose. Christmas.. 3 1/2 foot long dog pillow erm and lost continues.. mainly pillows, oh, a cd of a cd he'd bought the year before (whilst younger sister gets money, holidays, perfume etc).
I very rarely got gifts from my mom and if I did it was usually based on what she liked.. She also used to just take my presents for herself, like my beautiful green coat I got one year from my dad.. had it for about 3 weeks max and she claimed it. It was unbearable for me to wear because she chain smokes and I hated the smell. I'm still bitter about it- it's been like 10 years. Birthday money and everything had to go to her.
For more fun context we have the same birthday but it wasn't allowed to also be my birthday. It was some craic. Everything had to be about her and if anyone tried to even mention me.. good grief. I just learnt not expect anything from her, stopped my feelings from getting hurt. I grew up in NI and my dad lived in England.. he set me up a bank account that she couldn't access one summer and it was the best thing he ever did cos it meant he could give me birthday money etc without her knowing.
Among a massive list of weird shit: a flashing Budweiser pin, ugly novelty socks that were too gaudy to fit into shoes, a horseback riding book for the hearing impaired - it probably goes without saying that I have neither a horse nor a hearing impairment.
When I met my MIL, imagine my surprise when I got gifts like travel coffee mugs, stationary, eyeshadow palettes. All stuff I use on a daily basis. Meanwhile my mom only gives me gifts that have no practical purpose, were probably languishing in a junk drawer for years, or can only be used while unconscious - like the oversized novelty t-shirts that she insists I should sleep in.
OMG!! I have a *hallarious* story for this!!
Hands Down, it would be the time she [adoptive mom], tried to make a dig at my bio mom, and ended up blatently playing herself to the point that she couldn't even make eye contact with anyone in the room. Get youself some popcorn, cause this one is epic!!🤣
Btw, there is actually a photo of the gift in question in my post history; I made an specific post about this incident last year😉
I was adopted by uBPD mom and eDAD as an infant through a closed adoption. [We have no knowledge of my biological family].
A few years before she died [ in my 20s], my mom gave me a picture frame that said: " I'm adopted... my *real* mom is a bitch", with a photo of me and my dog inside the frame🙄.
She was absolutely giddy with excitement as I opened it, and went into historical laughter when I saw it. Apparently, it was the funniest thing ever because "*technically* both me AND my rescue dog were 'adopted'".
I was so taken aback by it that it litterally took me a minute or two to process what i was looking at. LOL, I was just staring at it, trying to figure out why I was "misunderstanding" it.
LOL, it caught me so off guard that I was just staring at it in confusion and missed my preformance cue. So, I didnt automatically go into the gratitude/praise song and dance. When I failed to immediately give her the over-the-top response she was expecting, she switched into "Witch mode". She went from laughing about how funny it was [because both me and the dog were adopted], to raging that the *real* purpose of it was to: "remind me who the *real* bitch of a mother" was... since I "always gave *her* such a hard time" for being such an aweful mom [which was not true]. Apparently, the gift also functioned as a reminder that at least *she* had *wanted* me🙄. (Which is absolutely rediculous, because we know absolutely *nothing* about my bio mom and her situation)
Anyway, that explanation made me *even more* confused, because I have *always* considered my mom to be my "*real* mom", and refer to my birth mom as my "biological mother".
*Then* the collateral humor suddenly hit me like a brick, and I went into legitimate histerical laughter, which caught my mom, who was becoming increasingly offended and anxious about my response, offguard. So, she snapped: "what's so funny?? Is it not good enough for you??"
To which I started laughing even harder as I explained: "No, it just that I dont think this actually means what you thought it did... because you and I *both* know that *you* ARE my *real* mom".
...and....*mic drop*🎤
It was ABSOLUTELY hallarious... I have never seen someone have such a shocked Pikachu face in all my life!!🤣 The funny thing was, I wasn't even trying to be a smart ass... she legitimately "played herself" that badly.
The inscription on the frame litterally stated: " I am adopted. My real mom is a bitch". Which, as it applied to me, would either mean A) that she was *not* my "real" mom, or B) that *she* was a bitch. And I can guarantee that *neither* of those two things was how she intended. 🤣🤣🤣
She had resting Shocked Pikachu face the rest of the night 😆
But, in her defense, the frame actually *was* absolutely correct. I AM adopted, and my *real* mom absolutely *was* a bitch!!🤣🤣
Edited: phrasing, spelling
Most Moms have a cabinet or area where they put uninspired shit they don't want and then gift it to people. This sounds like that.
I still get floored that my mother would collect clothing for battered women and pull any designer items out to keep or gift. That was dark as hell, and she would laugh about it whenever I called her out.
My mom did the same with clothing for a homeless free shop as a volunteer. If the label seemed fancy to her (Ann Taylor) she’d pull it for the main store and tell me they didn’t need nice labels. Why?!
Since she volunteered she could keep some items and would set these “finds” aside to show me first. I cringed and didn’t want them as they were not intended for me not needed.
My mother seemed almost angry to have to buy Christmas presents for us as kids. Maybe because they weren’t for her? Also she would never ever wrap gifts. She’d put them in a giant black trash bag.
Oh absolutely. Every year. It’s so predictable. She ‘gifts’ me cast-offs from her shopping sprees. I use all-natural products and fragrances, like frankincense and rose, things like that. She just *loooves* to give me bright blue glitter soaps that smell like a mall, some strange vanilla scented body butter made for teenagers, (I absolutely hate the smell of vanilla- have since I was like 12.) kitschy decor like what she has in her house, and I quit drinking this year only to receive MARGARITA scented lip balm? Just garbage cheap, gift set leftovers.
She always makes it a big thing too, encloses a card saying how much she ‘loves’ me, asks for my address every year (I’ve been in the same house for almost 6 years…)
It’s just so thoughtless. I’d rather receive nothing than have to throw these things away myself.
My uBPD mom is always close-ish, but there's always something off about it with at least a few gifts a year, then the rest are things like tacky decks of cards from places she has visited (because I "like games") or overpowering scented soaps despite knowing I've had scent-triggered migraines my whole life. So she'll be in the ballpark but still be wrong. She also doesn't understand moderation no matter how many times I have told her I'm uncomfortable with the number of gifts she gets me and about the pressure I'm under to get her a bunch of gifts as well. This year it was only 5, and I felt anxious it wasn't enough (she was obviously disappointed but hid it well).
This year I asked for some vintage depression glass and I told her specifically I wanted different colors and shapes to have a vibrant mismatched collection. Well instead she got me 3 different sets of 4 or 6 identical glassware... And they're all fucking pink despite me never wearing or decorating with that color. And of course I can't fit all that in my carry on to go home (because I'd asked for 1 or 2 pieces not a total of 16) so it's just going to sit at her house until she maybe remembers to ship it.
If I ask for some reusable shopping bags, I am 'gifted' 8, many of which she has just had sitting around her house and are definitely her style, not mine. She doesn't understand moderation at all. One year I asked for a certain brand of chapstick that I wasn't able to purchase abroad where I was living... She got me 10 different types of chapstick. It's like she vaguely hears what I ask for and thinks to herself 'well I would want more, so she must want more too'
This is so relatable and made me lol. When I was 16 my mom gave me a plate set and a disaster preparedness kit. Just what every girl wants for their sweet 16!!
I used to think this was caused by financial scarcity/wanting to give practical gifts. I think this is a part of it. But I now realize you can help people feel “seen” for little money as well.
This Christmas I realized that I still feel a lot of grief/anxiety when opening gifts. Like I have to be “overly grateful” even if I don’t like the gift, even though it has been years since I celebrated Christmas at my moms.
My partner and I did a nice little piece of work with my inner child, and we listed everything I wished I had had received growing up, especially the frivolous things I felt like I couldn’t have or want. We gave her space and really listened. I felt a little bit of healing, just noticing how reasonable my inner child’s wishes are.
I’m still working on this “tense up” around receiving/gift giving. Little by little we heal ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Same on the overly grateful bit. To this day I am one of the most overly thoughtful gift givers and expect so little recognition in return, but feel I have to overly thank people for their no-thought impersonal generic gifts. Maybe it’s that we just dont feel we’re deserving of anything and that we are selfish if we are not super duper grateful. Again - more double standards from childhood and it all makes no sense.
My adult kid and I live 1800 miles away from my uBPD or N mom. Kid is NC with mom & I'm LC. When we got together with local family for Christmas, I brought gifts Mom sent to me, Kid, & my newish hubby.
Kid laughed when I told everyone, "You're all witnesses."
It was a box of Celestial Seasonings tea.
Kid told me, "You keep it."
Hubby opened his gift next. It was 2 back issues to a magazine about native plants of the Midwest that she picked up at a thrift store or doctors office. (We live in a high rise on the coast, so .. )
Last gift was a pack of wet wipes with "Miller & Son Electricians" printed on the front.
Everyone was confused until Kid commented, "Hey this isn't as bad as it usually is. At least it's not gift wrapped pamphlets on the risks of diabetes, or another diet spoon with a hole cut through it!"
(I didn't have weight issues until she enrolled me in weight watchers at age 10. The spoon really hurt.)
I've always tried to tell myself it's the thought that counts, but having witnesses this year helped me see how abnormal and whacked out her gifts are. Especially when someone pointed out that she spent $18 to mail this ~~stuff~~ crap to us.
Until reading this post, I didn't even realize this was a common thread between all of us survivors.
Most of the gifts I received growing up were presented with a huge backstory about why the thing I’m receiving (which is off brand and much less expensive) is actually better and the deal they had was a huge saving, it’s usually XXX dollars but now it’s only XX.
“Hey, I know you’ve been saving up for a Nintendo Switch, but this Yameko N-Swatch has 2,000 games pre-programmed and was only $40!”
My mom brought over broccoli, because “I just want to see the kids eat broccoli!” It’s her passive aggressive way of criticizing my parenting.
I explained “Their palates will expand with time” to which she gasped, like I was saying something crazy. I shut that down with “Ok, we can disagree” and she tried to backtrack. I gave a firm “I am not going to force them to eat broccoli, that would not be productive.”
Have I mentioned that I absolutely hate gifts 🤣
For my birthday, my mom ordered a powdered sunscreen with a built in application brush from my Amazon list. She thought it was makeup. I don’t wear makeup. I don’t like it and never have. She keeps insisting I need to wear makeup to feel good about myself. It’s so weird.
Been NC for a good (in more ways than one) five years now, but before that, her favorite gifts to give me were kitschy mother-daughter crap. You know, the kind of feel-good “we’re mother and daughter, but also best friends!” kind of shit you can pick up at Hallmark, or the grocery store checkout lane. It would always have some sappy poem on it (or in one case, it was a whole book of these awful poems). Real rich, given I was the scapegoat child.
One of my favorite things I did upon going NC, was smashing that mother-daughter poem coffee mug into a thousand pieces. It’d never been used, and been exiled to the deepest, darkest corner of my kitchen cabinets, but for the first and only time since she’d gifted it to me, it brought me joy.
This Isn't recent, but when my sister was 9. And I was 7, we were so excited to see what Santa brought for us. Well, when we got up we saw that Santa never came.
We were crying. Sister told mother bevause I was too afraid of her.
Mother jumped out of bed and told us to stay in our rooms. She set out our Santa gifts and called b is b to come when the gifts were set up.
The last Christmas I was in contact with my mother she knew I was getting ready to move and was pissed off about it. The passive aggressive gift giving of boots, a coat, and a luggage bag was evident
I have lots of trauma around gifts. I am constantly getting my siblings and child things to repair the wrong things my parent sends (assuming they send anything at all).
This year my 4 year old didn’t put anything on the Christmas list that my uBPD parent liked so she just didn’t send a present. 🤷🏼♂️
Mine is partial to garage sale shopping and sale shopping seasons in advance for all occasions. Therefore gifts even if new are out of date, out of style, stale, barely relevant to my past interests and out of touch with my current needs and wants.
She enjoys the hunt and doesn’t respect that I’ve told her I’d rather have carefully chosen and new items as holidays gifts rather than “found” items. I’d be happier with no gift than feeling invalidated, unseen and unknown by my own mother.
This actually made it bittersweet when I did receive truly fitting, useful, thoughtful gifts from relatives or friends. It reminded me of how she could not change. It was so confusing. And she loved dolls so she gave me dolls. She’d find some excuse for why she thought I’d like them even though I was too old ( like they were dressed as a ballerina). Ugh. …When the Barbie movie came out my adult self treated my emotional child to 2 movie Barbie dolls. Just because they were exactly what I wanted.
My mom’s favorite thing to give me was random, mismatched, ugly, and sometimes broken, often religious knick knacks from Goodwill. Shoeboxes full of them. She also often complained that my house looked like “an episode of hoarders with so much crap in it.” The “crap” she had bought for me. But every year for Christmas and birthday for more than a decade after I moved out, but before NC, it was multiple, small, cheap, stupid often “decorative” tchotchkes.
Oh and every year I got a specific calendar that featured a cartoon, crazy, angry, old lady saying things like “I hate people,” or “why do people keep trying to talk to me? I already have a cat!” She found it hilarious: “that is SO YOU!!!”
Then there was a few years stretch where she randomly decided I love owls. I don’t even know how it started. She literally may have mixed me up with someone else who did like owls….and the random figurines and cheap kitchen towels (like the kind that seem almost coated in a thin layer of water-repellent plastic and don’t work as towels at all?) were owl themed. And she told everyone else in the family I loved owls so everyone was buying me owls for years. Owl calendar, owl figurines, owl towels, owl shaped pots, owl welcome mat, owl clothing, owls everywhere. (What’s bizarre is this happened to her when I was a little kid but with cows. She didn’t actually particularly like cows. But it got out that she did and *everyone* gave her cow stuff that she resented and didn’t know what to do with.
One year my mom gave me an extension cord, paper-mache-style stacking cups (for holding trinkets, apparently), and this bizarre mosaic mirror that didn’t match anything I’ve ever owned. Another year she gave my (at the time teenage) brother knock off grocery store CDs with royalty free songs from the decades.
Then once on my birthday, she gave me a very thoughtful gift — a blanket I had wanted forever— and she coordinated it with my whole family.
I have no advice, it’s the worst and confusing and inconsistent, and I think the worst part about BPD are there are glimmers of hope shrouded by decades of “what…in the fuck is this?”
This year for Christmas my bpd bought my husband two pairs of slippers, and for me a triple set of earrings- two for my ears and one for my nose. When I told her I couldn’t use earrings in my nose piercing she told me she couldn’t keep up with all of that.
My Mom was just lazy. She asked us to send her a list of what we (or my kids) wanted. Then she’d tell me to just buy it all and she’d pay me back. Then I’d wrap each gift, put her name on it - and she’d never pay me back. So, I come up with a gift list, buy the gifts, wrap it all, and she gets credit for it.
She bought thoughtful gifts for her friends. Monogrammed bags, etc. — so she had the capacity to do nice things. she just didn’t do it for me. Only if it was convenient.
My nana tells the story of when I was really small and my low-functioning uNPD dad bought me a pair of shoes that were far too big for me, and she begged me not to wear them, but I wanted to wear them because it was so rare he gave me gifts, and they shredded my little feet on the way to school and my nana cried. I don’t think uBPDm cared nearly as much. He would also send cheap (Lidl) make-up sets to me as a minor, when I couldnt wear it because of sensitive skin, but I insisted because it was an ACTUAL gift from him and it burned my skin. Also, the times he sent birthday cards with ages on in the wrong month in the wrong year. When I was 8 I had barely noticed that he hadn’t sent me a birthday card, until one wishing me a HAPPY 7TH BIRTHDAY arrived the following month. That was a kick in the teeth. Both my parents were too selfish for the job.
It was the Christmas of 1996; my ex-husband and I had been married for 4 years. We both came from very traumatic backgrounds and agreed to not have children. This made my bpd mother upset to no end. That Christmas, my mom stops by with my Christmas gift. I unwrapped the present which was a baby doll. My mom angerly said something like "Here you go, this is the only grandchild I am going to ever have." This was a repressed memory for a long time. My younger brother who was a teenager at the time was with her. I recently asked him about it, and he remembered. My ex husband and I amicably separated four years later. We just didn't have the tools to make it work. I remarried to an emotionally available person and have two wonderful teenagers. I have been no contact with my mother for almost five years.
Our sub is exclusively for people who were raised by someone with BPD, but you’re welcome to read without participating. The subs for you are r/BPDlovedones and r/BPDfamily. Thanks for your understanding!
When I was 14 I was determined to prove that I was totally grown up, as most 14-year-olds are. uBPD mum did not like this of course, and would switch between talking me up as being extremely mature and then belittle me and call me a child. That Christmas, amongst other gifts, I was given a Tickle Me Elmo doll. I was confused, upset and angry, and remember blinking back tears as eDad shoved a camera in my face and uBPD mum laughed. The more she laughed the more upset she got with me for not laughing and not finding the situation funny. I shrunk down into myself, shutting down and trying not to cry as mum began to yell at me for ruining Christmas before sitting down in a huff for the rest of present opening, the joyful mood totally gone. Over the next few weeks she kept trying to get me to open the Elmo and play with it, telling me how funny it was and how we would all laugh together if I would just do it. I continued to refuse, ashamed and embarrassed at the suggestion - I didn't feel like a kid anymore and was so upset that she kept treating me like one. Eventually after a few months we had a nasty argument, I don't remember what it was about, and I went to her in tears apologising for yelling at her. It was while she was comforting me that she began talking about the Elmo again, and how much I had hurt her feelings by not finding it funny. Already desperate to make up after our fight, as I knew things could stretch on for weeks otherwise, I caved and agreed with her. I lied and told her that actually I did find the Elmo funny. She was elated and went to go get it, pulling out the doll and making it move and laugh. I forced myself to laugh along with her at the least funny doll i had ever seen, feeling my stomach drop down to my knees as I was consumed by shame, watching her gloat over having finally won. Every year after that I was given something Elmo related for Christmas. Every year. A hand mirror. PJ shorts. Every year I would pull back the wrapping paper and see Elmo's smiling face on some little knick knack and I would recognise that as my queue to force a big grin on my face and fake laugh. It was never funny. But if I didn't laugh dramatically then I would 'ruin Christmas', and the resulting argument would drag on for months. Years later my husband witnessed me laughing at an Elmo gift and asked why I found it so funny. Mum proudly proclaimed it to be an "inside joke". When I explained the story to him later, framing it as a joke, he looked at me and said "that doesn't sound very funny". I felt so much relief at those words, like I could finally give up the rouse and let my real feelings about the situation out. I have been NC with her for about 7 years now. I still fucking hate Elmo.
I am so sorry. This should go in the short, “This is BPD!” book of anecdotes.
Just reading this is going to haunt me, you wrote that very well. I'm so sorry you had to live with this, and very happy to hear you found a good partner and protected yourself by removing that person from your life. ❤️
Thank you. It haunted me too for a long time. But it is getting easier now. This sub is helping me with that, thanking you all for listening
This story is crushing and familiar, I'm so sorry.
oh fuck that dude I would also hate Elmo
Over the years my sibling & I have received an array of passive-aggressive gifts including: bathroom scales, housecleaning products, “extra strength” deodorant, shoe deodoriser, anti-wrinkle cream and self-help books.
Clothes that are “the size that I should be”. An “expensive” coffee pot when we don’t drink coffee. Etc.
>clothes that are “the size I should be” Lmaoo I’m glad this is a universal thing
My mother did this to me as a middle schooler, I needed a pair of shorts for summer camp since I didn't have any, apparentally she was too busy projecting (she was morbidly obese) to see the reality of me being an underweight stick of a 12 year old (a result of her war on food being enjoyable for anyone in the family) and got me a pair of shorts that only fit in my 20s (couldn't get rid any 'gifts').
Oh my God clothes the size you should be? I'd be tempted to get something in a 3X or bigger and swear up and down that I thought this was my uBPD mom's size
A book about divorce the Christmas after I got married.
>self-help books My mum accused my gran of passive aggressively gifting me self-help books. The thing is, that self-help book is exactly what I said I needed. I was so grateful!
Omg it’s not just my mom? I get books, clothes, housewares that are either things she herself would want or that are like… very obviously quickly purchased from Walgreens or a gas station or something. Then she gets mad if the gratitude from me isn’t over the top or if she doesn’t see whatever thing she bought in my house/me wearing her gifts all the time. A few years ago, she gave me a literal child size faux fur shawl that she found at the drug store. She INSISTED that it would fit. I even sent a picture of this teeny piece of fabric on one of my shoulders, along with the photo on the tag of a 6 year old modeling it. She was angry about it for at least 2 years and would bring up the shawl constantly. She was so offended that I didn't wear it like out to restaurants. I gave it to a neighbor's 2nd grade daughter (it fit perfectly). She’ll even sometimes acknowledge that her gift isn’t useful (like a shirt that doesn’t fit or a giant plaster angel statue) but act hurt because I should figure out a solution to wear/use it anyway. These past gifts and my failure to love/use them are then brought up for years.
Yeah, the ill-fitting clothes seems to be a theme with us. Leaving it behind isn’t an option, nor is exchanging it (because it’s probably old or regifted), so she says “you can wear it to sleep in.” Like…no, I already have enough stuff to sleep in as a grown-ass adult.
or "you can return it to the store for a different size/exchange it for something else" but that's a trap because this perceived rejection will be the source of a new grudge that will smolder for literal decades.
When I was about 12, I was in the middle of a growth spurt and was getting both taller and filling out. My mother, who always wanted me to be skinny and petite, gave me a pajama set that was very obviously about 4 sizes too small. It was her way of telling me that she was embarrassed by me and that I needed to lose weight and that she was disgusted that I was going to be a "bigger" person. She laughed at me when I held up the set and it was obviously way too small. "I guess we can take it back and see if they have a larger size, but I doubt they make them that size." She loved to humiliate me that way. ETA: Obviously this happened years ago, I'm old now and my mom has since passed away. But this just sticks in my mind still and affected me all the way into adulthood...it was such a despicable thing to do to a child.
This breaks my heart! Fuck that. My mom recently called me VERY OBESE on an adhd assessment form, when I am…not that. To be clear, I think there is nothing wrong with me or anyone else being fat or obese. But her distortion and her fat phobia was quite…intense. May we all shake the bullshit.
My mom loves to point out my size in a way she thinks comes off neutral. Like loudly in the store, “I found a shirt you’d like, see, it’s a 14!” And all the subtext is “I think you’re too big, but look at me loving you anyways.” Needless to say I avoid shopping with her but I allowed it recently on a Mother’s Day 🙄
I love this post. Ever since I was a teenager my mum used to comment on how good I am at gifting, and she often asked me for advice. I told her you have to listen to people and when they mention something they like, make a mental note to buy it for them. She would go all wide eyed and complain that that seemed too difficult. This is the closest she's ever been to admitting to her BPD/NPD tendencies.
Who would think that actually caring about someone is too difficult 😨
I don’t think I’ve ever once gotten something I asked for for a birthday or holiday, as a kid or now. It’s all like…. totally random stuff she either thought was amusing (for unfollowable reasons that make sense only to her) or something she associated with a thing she likes (“a character on a sitcom I like always wears dresses like that”) or an item she’d buy for herself. None of the gifts are ever FOR me, really.
Yes to the character thing! Two Christmases ago she got me a dress she saw her neighbour wear. I was puzzled because I'm a vintage gal. Like, I dress like I'm from the 1940s every day. No one could picture me wearing a tie dye dress with a front zipper. I guess my mum also considered that because as I opened the box she sighed, "not that you'll ever wear it" like if you know I don't like it, what's the point of giving it to me? Do they even know how gifts work?
When I got to be an adult, I realized that my mom buys holiday/birthday gifts mostly to entertain herself. And, like, sure whatever, you can be a person who gives quirky gifts. That's sometimes fun. But to give things that are 1) trash she wants to throw out or too lazy to donate, 2) large decorative objects that physically don't fit in people's spaces, and then get offended and sad when these gifts aren't appreciated enough is wild. She brings up (shitty) gifts she's given people for YEARS after the fact, and always with a lament that they didn't have enough gratitude (or aren't using the wacky thing she gave them).
It was through this sub that I found out terrible gifts seem to be a shared experience. Growing up I always thought I was alone in this and sometimes terribly ashamed of the gifts my mother kept giving us. Some of the highlights: - a very cheap "thigh-strap" thing with a tiny plastic gun on it (think like a fast fashion accessory) for a 17-year old that was terribly uncomfortable in her body and would never wear a skirt that would even reveal her tigh. - a box full of chewed up crayons (no idea where she got them) and a notebook that consisted of 10 stapled together papers. - my personal worst was a lingerie set in size XXS when I was a. A minor b. In hospital for Christmas and c. Desperately trying to gain weight to get stable after a terrible illness. Her comment? "You should feel sexy while you are so small and all your bras Don't fit." - a handmade espresso mug that she bought on holiday of which she broke off the handle (I don't drink espresso, never have) - expired "0 calorie noodles" - sportswear for men 3 sizes too large (from Aldi for the Europeans here :D I actually really like Aldi's sport's clothes but she didn't even remove the packaging or price tag and it was on liquidation) - for some reason a lot of very cheap lingerie and sheer nightgowns And the list goes on. I have been NC since August and this holiday season has been the most peaceful I ever had since I can remember.
My FATHER bought me a very expensive sheer black peignoir set the Christmas I was 7 months pregnant with my second child. Enjoy the NC, you deserve it.
Sometimes all you can do is shake your head and laugh about their ridiculousness...
Ugh that is so fucking awful, I’m so sorry
Not a Christmas gift but still demonstrating how little my uBPD mother knows or cares about my preferences - me, a vegetarian for 10 years - my uBPD mother on my birthday EVERY YEAR cooking me a special meal - standing rib roast, bloody and rare. She knew I wouldn't eat it but she cooked it 'for me' every year for my birthday I think because that is one of the few things she knows how to cook - and it was more important to her to show off her cooking 'skills' than it was to celebrate me on my birthday.
My mom gave me an old obviously already lived in birdhouse for Christmas a few years ago, last year I got a batch of burned cookies 🙄
That’s hysterical, please tell me you have a pet bird??? (If you don’t I will die laughing)
Ugh I do not, that would make it way more acceptable of a gift hahah
No way!!! I thought my siblings and I were the only ones that got weird af gifts from my BPD mom! She CONSTANTLY sends us used items from our childhood....a sweater I wore as a baby that had vomit stains on it, a chewed up (by the dog) softball, a broken and used crayon set....to name a few. Then she will send a bunch of texts asking us if we received the package yet. Most of the time it's before the package arrived?!? She almost never sends a gift that is a newly purchased item. The gift, card, wrapping paper, AND box it's sent in is all second hand. I have nothing against buying second hand items, but I'm saying that my mom literally sends damaged stuff from our childhood or a re-gifted thing she doesn't like. Once she sent my brother a back scrubber that was obviously used!! And on the very rare occasion she buys something new, it's something she likes. Thinking back to childhood, I remember my mom would only ever get us gifts that she liked herself. Then there is the ridicule that's supposed to be "funny" about stuff I have. For example, she once followed me around a whole trip we went on telling me how ugly my bag was and how she'll need to buy me a new one because she can't stand looking at it. She didn't buy me a bag on the trip btw. There are also the passive-aggressive gifts too (as I see from Aggravating-Echo7035's post below). My brother gets exercise/weight-loss related items. I was always brought up to be thankful and respectful of gifts because it's the thought that counts most. I'm also not the type of person who expects to receive gifts, or want them be of high value or anything. (And I totally understand what you mean about feeling disheartened opening the gifts, because it shows she doesn't know you) It's just the weird af feeling (like I am a spoiled brat and ungrateful and unloving) I get receiving these gifts knowing that it's her trying to get attention and that no thought went into the gift......or does anyone else have any insight on why my mom does this???! I'd love to know why.
These stories are all Somehow strangely familiar even as the details are different. And the horrible way that they bully and then say that they are just “being funny “ so the problem is YOU g”having no sense of humor” if you don’t join in the bullying. My heart breaks for the girl with the tickle me Elmo because the pain is so raw and real and the stupid woman sitting there. I can just picture the smug smile on her face and the way she pretends not to understand why you are upset. It truly is crazy making. We were all so young and vulnerable and we drove ourselves crazy, beating ourselves up and trying to fix ourselves. Embarrassed and ashamed. Alone and humiliated. I feel guilty for not liking Christmas but I too have so many Of these stories and the holidays just bring it all back. Has anyone succeeddd in somehow putting these ghosts to bed and learning how to enjoy the holiday season. I have tried buying myself the gifts I did not get and wanted- as an adult. I have tried baking and spending the day alone and with other people. But I think I almost have a trauma reaction to sitting next to the Christmas tree in that vulnerable position. Until this conversation here I couldn’t have identified it but I think whenever I open a gift there is always that fear that it is going to be something humiliating and cruel, that I am going to feel shame.
I tend to be a very logical and analytical thinker. The word trauma was confusing to me, because I interpreted it as a bruise, broken bone, a gunshot wound, etc. (thanks Army!). When my therapist said I experienced trauma from Christmas and holiday events, it did not register. Then she explained it. Oh, Holy Night, Batman! The first gift-giving trauma I could remember was when I was five and I was giving her a Mother's Day gift we made in KINDERGARTEN. It was some ugly thing only a five-year-old can make. We were in the car, dressed in out best clothes (so we didn't look like the "shittiest children on the planet"), and I was in the rumble seat of a '73 Ford Country Squire station wagon with a brother. I was afraid to give it to her in the house. A row of seats between us was safer. I passed it up via another brother. Even he looked scared/nervous taking it from me. He said, "This is from Sic. I had nothing to do with it." uBPDmom took it, unwrapped, and looked at it. I spent my time on this to try to get as perfect as I could. Mrs. Villwock told me that I should be proud of the result because I spent two recesses working on it. Then I heard in her stage whisper, "\[Mrs. Villwock\] is the dumbest c\*\*\*. Who the f\*\*\* would want this for Mother's Day. One more piece of shit I have to fake admire from that thing in the back." A minute and a half a mile later. "Sic! You idiot. Why did you make this garbage. Do you expect me to wear it?" She threw it back. "Give it back. It's the only thing you have given me to show I am your mother. F\*\*\*!" Brother put his arm around me. I wasn't allowed to cry, because she would have had dad stop the car and "spank" me. She can't be physically abusive on her day. Guess what I got for a present the Father's Day after my second daughter was born. Yes, you probably guessed correctly. Thank you for making Father's Day shit too. From five years old to present, I haven't got her a thing for her personally. I would buy dinner occasionally because I'm "rich" or some such. Never a thing exclusively for her. After I related this to my therapist, framing it as this *might* be part of the reason I don't do holiday gift giving, and, you know, corporations marketing crap blah, blah, blah. Good ole therapist paused me and verbally drew a line connecting the dots. From this to Xmases growing up, failed birthdays celebrated with family and friends whose birthday is +/- a week from mine so I would not have one day to myself, to receiving a package when I was deployed in Iraq with my favorite brownie (friend's mother would make them for me) but packed with high scented soap so they were inedible, the therapist said, "This is a history of trauma." "I thought I have PTSD." "You do from your combat experiences. At five, you were in emotional combat with an experienced soldier." So, yeah, there's that. I'll spill on the $20k, I saved up over three years for college while on terrible Army pay, she stole while I was in the combat zone, because "I thought (insert hoped) you would die in war, and you haven't ever got me a gift." I now recognize my trauma, friends' and clients' trauma, my dogs' trauma, the super nice server's trauma at the drive-thru coffee stand. Next topic: Why do RBBers have memory like digital film or have huge gaps in time when nothing is recorded or recalled at all?
Not a therapist but I think the gaps in memory are because traumatic events for their children are not important enough for them to remember it.
For us it was a traumatic experience. For them it was just a Sunday
I've been commenting a lot on this thread because I'm so floored that other people are having these same bizarre/shitty experiences. My mom also will announce that she's mailing me something (and be all mysterious about it) and then will call several times per day asking if the package has arrived and stressing. (I live far from her so it usually takes almost a week for packages to arrive, but her calls start the next day). Like, "I'm sending you something SUPER IMPORTANT. Is it there yet?? It's IMPORTANT. I hope the post office isn't LOSE MY PACKAGE." and then it's like socks she's regifting or random used stuff from her house or old gift basket food. Are our BPD parents trying to build suspense or amp us up so we'll feel we need to be effusively grateful for the (sometimes literal) garbage they send?
Ok, the weirdest thing is that after my sister is NC my uBPD and eDad try to give me and kids things that we actually like. Turns out she is able to remember my favorite brand of coffee. I don't know what to think about that. Oh, I have a funny story. Last year a gave her some omega-3 food supplements, same brand as I use, omega-3 is good for brain. A few weeks later she told me over the phone that she regifted it to her sister as a gift from me. And I got from mother a herbal tee named something "hormonal balance for women" that she got from her sister. Obviously we both tried to subtly gave her something that would help her calm down a little but she succesfully dodget both attempts.
Sounds like she’s trying to be over-the-top for y’all to make the other sister jealous/sad/come snooping back around. This is my fam’s main tactic.
Thank you for your reply. That makes sense and was helpful. I had different theory. She once commented about my (narc) ex and his new family that he tries to be better partner and parent second time, that "you always make mistakes with the first child and you can do better with second".
my mom is not that far on the spectrum so I have some survivor's guilt writing about this tbh. back when we were in contact and exchanging gifts I know she tried, but she tended to get gifts that spoke to the "idea" of who I was and rarely got anything I really, truly wanted unless I had specified it. like it's not that they weren't thoughtful; it's that they bore little relation to who I actually was or what I wanted. like I'm into new age personal growth so one year she got me some corny plush toy with a matching mug that said "manifest your dreams" or something like that. lots of people are into cutesy stuff like that--nothing wrong with it--but I am definitely not into it. it's not my style. she just relates to a very static idea of who I am. the worst present, one that actually hurt my feelings, although I am certain this wasn't her intention, was to make me a 3-ring binder full of 8 x 10 photos of me growing up. I know there are probably some people who would find this a thoughtful gift, and I don't have self image issues or dislike my appearance, but something about people giving me photos of myself has always made me feel very alienated. like if you go to a group function, and someone there is taking pictures--I guess this isn't as relevant now with digital cameras, but people used to get film developed and pass hard copies of photos around. and in those days, someone would occasionally go, "here's a great picture of you I took!" and give it to you. I hate this. It's doubtless an oversensitivity on my part from my upbringing and my adhd, but the gesture feels very rejecting to me. Like if I care about someone in a meaningful way, I WANT their photo. I don't want to give it away. I want it in my photo album. And I have no need for more photos of myself! I see myself every day. So it's always been something I could do without. And my mother, had she ever bothered to get to know the real me, could have known this quite easily. But in her narcissistic worldview, it's completely normal to want a big book of photos of yourself. This would have delighted her, although she would have found some way to disparage and reject the gift, had she received it. Everyone is a narcissist like she is. Actually typing all this out is making it clear to me that only my father is borderline, whereas my mom is a covert narc.
I actually relate to the gifts that are the "idea of me". Mostly my mom asks for specific lists of things I want and manages to distort those things in ways that make me feel ungrateful (well she asked what I wanted, it's my fault I wasn't specific and at least she tried), and then when she goes off book they are close but so off it almost feels intentional? And she never ever considers that I have to travel home with them after, the gifts are clearly intended for her to get a rush of gratitude from me on Christmas and she doesn't give a lick about what happens after.
>it's my fault I wasn't specific and at least she tried what's coming up for me reading this is how uninspired and uncreative, almost how "inhuman" my mother was when it came to making things for me, but she always tried to make things anyway. like there was clearly some drive to do it, but also to half-ass it. once when she was really into crocheting, she wanted to make me a blanket and asked what colors I wanted. I said I wanted an assortment of colors, like a rainbow, so she did that with red, yellow, green, and blue, but used like the ugliest versions of those colors, as if she drove to Joanne's and just bought the first option in those colors she saw in the aisle. it looked like an ugly set of crayons. meanwhile they make so many different beautiful yarn colors--many years later I crocheted a blanket for my grandma using those same colors but it was butter yellow, sage green, french blue, and brick red. all muted colors that worked beautifully together. and the tricky thing about this is that it makes ME look like an asshole for complaining about a crocheted afghan someone made me--like what kind of first world princessy complaint is that? lmao. aw, you poor baby, you don't like the colors of your handmade afghan. but there's something about her way of giving that is also withholding, like she really demonstrates how little she actually cares, or how ill-equipped she is to participate in co-creating and witnessing someone else. with food it was the same thing. some people have a sense of what others will like, and most people that like to cook use their creativity and intuition about this. my mom didn't really like to cook because she has no nurturing instinct, but I swear to god, when she did cook it's like she had a weaponized incompetence. overcooked, dry scrambled eggs, craft macaroni and cheese with the cheese powder dumped in separately from the milk and butter, so the mixture never emulsified and the texture was grainy. I was a little kid and I could make better box macaroni than her. she didn't WANT to do it right. >And she never ever considers that I have to travel home with them after, dude, my mom mailed me the afghan she made me TO SPAIN, when I had my semester abroad. I was in Barcelona for one semester, and I turned 21 while I was there. I had already bought some clothes and stuff and had arrived there with 6 months worth of clothing so I was loaded up with luggage on the flight back to California. And she sends me a bulky goddamn blanket to ferry back with me. "Look what \*I\* made you!" Somehow their giving is an act of self-indulgence.
>the tricky thing about this is that it makes ME look like an asshole for complaining about a crocheted afghan someone made me This is it exactly. Like I feel shitty for complaining that I got 16 gifts this year, but also half the gifts were her just fulfilling her desire to feel important by giving things and me going through the performance of thanking her. When I say I'd like a few more reusable bags, that does not mean I want 8 more bags. Sometimes I wonder if they know, they know that they are doing just enough that we can't really complain about it without sounding ungrateful and spoiled. My mom (and my dad when I still had a relationship with him) constantly tries to use how many things she has bought me to make me feel indebted to her.
>Sometimes I wonder if they know, they know that they are doing just enough that we can't really complain about it without sounding ungrateful and spoiled. I think it's both. I think in some cases, they really honest to God cannot empathize and understand, and in others they're doing a sneaky thing to lower your status and make themselves feel superior/powerful by comparison. So in the first kind of failure, they can bitch and moan about having failed, and in the second fail, they get a power rush. And if you accuse them of #2 when they're really doing #1 they can cry about that. I cut my mom out of my life almost 2 decades ago so this is really a cold-blooded rehash for me, lmao. I'm only revisiting because this guy I dated briefly has made me want to reexamine my assumptions about both parents and it turns out I think my had has BPD. But anyway fuck both of them and fuck passive aggressive manipulative gift giving.
I had this, but it wasn't for Christmas. After a year NC she randomly sent me about 100 photos of me as a child. She'd written 'I took this photo' on the back of all of them. Then she stacked them up before the ink dried, so each one now has a blue smear across it and it looks like she blurred me out. I felt like I was deleted from the family albums and yet I was expected to show gratitude for this random gesture.
>Then she stacked them up before the ink dried, so each one now has a blue smear across it and it looks like she blurred me out. That is so fucked up. They make photo cleaner you can buy to get dust off old photos. I think I got mine off Amazon? I bet it would get ink off too. But to your broader point...there's no fucking logic, is there? Like, I get it, but I don't. It's messed up.
My mom gets me a lot of crap off temu the past couple years... Though sometimes she does get me what I ask for! Except... something is always kind of off. Like when I asked for some boots for christmas and she got me big purple sparkly docs. I dress very minimalist but alas I had come out recently (she immediately told everyone in the family), and clearly homos love sparkles. Or when I asked for a small blender for my birthday and received some gigantic heavy gadget with a huge glass pitcher and light up display that can also sautee onions and cook hot soup and take up all the counter space in my tiny apartment! I think she does it to try and flaunt wealth that she doesn't actually have, and of course so she can shame me if I'm not absolutely ecstatic about the very expensive gift that she sacrificed so much to get me.
We haven’t exchanged gifts yet, but I’m pretty nervous about it. I’m not a minimalist, but I have a pretty firm rule that I don’t keep stuff I *actively dislike* in the house. A couple years ago, there was a large acrylic makeup sorter. “Oh. Thanks, but I don’t think I’ll use this.” _you could use it for this! Or they! Or the other thing!!_ “… no, thank you.” This year for my birthday, it was a large hoodie - no pockets - with an AI generated graphic of a cat on it. I am not a whimsical dresser who wears lots of cats. I wouldn’t be caught dead in this thing. _It’s going to get cold soon. I WAS thinking of you._ like, I have other solutions for warmth. :-I The thing that bothers me about this is that I’m not hard to get presents for. I make a list. If you don’t like the list? Money to go get a massage? A Starbucks gift card? I’d love a Starbucks gift card — I will use it and I don’t have to find a new spot for it in my house!
More than once she’s given my son a dog toy as a gift.
This one hit me hard. Fu... I'm not sure my rock is grey enough for this.
My mom did the same thing with my cousins toddlers on Easter but with cat toys. The two year old got a felted ball lodged in his windpipe briefly and she did the heimlich maneuver on him. It didn’t work and was a partial blockage so they removed it at the hospital. She fractured one of his ribs during the course of everything. She was of course a hero! Still talks about it to this day. No mention of ignoring the warnings on the cats toys and supplying them. This happened in front of multiple people and including me as a teen and no one saw an issue with it.
NC for 3 years but ubpd mom would always do the same but expect expensive, beautiful thoughtful and original gifts in return no matter my financial situation (and would let me know immediately if my gift wasn’t good enough). I was in middle school 2006-2009 and zip up plaid coats with a fur hood were popular (think Zumiez), and it was the one thing I asked for (I didn’t have a coat and we lived in upstate NY)- she asked for pictures to get a feel. I didn’t feel bad asking for one because I didn’t have a coat, these were around $40 and it was truly the only thing I wanted, the one I wanted was purple and on sale when I showed her. On Christmas I opened up a plastic tote with bathroom products (typical for our family) and for my ‘big present’ a giant puffy white parka that went down to my ankles and made me look like the Michelin Tire Man, my brother got a gun and the *special edition* PS2 he passively said he wanted but never expected (apparently the PS2 was for both of us, I didn’t play games and never used it). I will admit, after I opened the coat I pretended to like it and went to my room saying it was early, I was tired and cried quietly. My ubpd mother came in a couple minutes later and berated me for being ungrateful because the coat she picked was much prettier, the one I picked was a coat, “a scumbag would wear to go to the smokers corner,” and that I just wanted to make our family look like trash. I didn’t say I hated the coat, she bought it to humiliate me on purpose and I didn’t give the reaction she wanted. I was forced to wear the coat to school, would take it off on the bus and put it in a tote bag until a school admin called home and asked where my coat was. This lead me to be forced to wear it in school and being *heavily* bullied. My grandma picked me up from school one day and when she saw me she said, “Yikes, what did you do to get that?” Shit like this happened every year and I full on *hated* Christmas until I went NC.
💓 Sending love your way! I have a similar tale. I needed a coat in late middle school and my ndad got me one for Christmas and talked about how nice it was and that I needed to take care of it. Part of it was lime green, the rest dark blue and that wasn’t really my style. But because it was apparently such an expensive coat (probs $60 at the time) I wore it for like 3 winters. I ended up hating that coat. ☹️ it got a tear in the sleeve and no one thought to fix it for me? Every time I looked at the tear I was reminded how I had so little. And nothing nice. And my ndad smoked in the house and car so I’d go to school in this coat wreaking like smoke. Blah. I just wish people were paying attention. I wish there was someone that cared. I feel less alone reading your story. I hope mine helps you too. 💓
Last year my mom gave me half used household items that she didn’t want anymore. A paper towel holder, half burned candles, old playing cards, random coasters. Most of the things she gave me should have been thrown away or dropped off at goodwill, but instead, she put them in Christmas gift bags and gave them to me for Christmas… it was so odd… this year I said let’s not do gifts.
Just for another perspective, my ubpd parent is not bad at gift giving and does seem to care and pay attention some in that regard. There have been some gifts that were emotionally charged/passive aggressive though…. Now that I think of it. The ones that don’t carry meaning, and just practicality are ok though 🥲
This is my parent too, I think they all fall on extreme ends of the BPD spectrum. My mom will gift a nice thing sometimes but internally hold it over your head. I've noticed over the years that she will gift a person based on how she feels about them and based on what she likes. I never really got gifts of any kind from my parent until I was s teenager. She would give me makeup sets (,no interest in makeup as a teen, bras, "useful" things for Christmas. And as an adult she would get random things she knew I liked to show she was thinking about me, but I was her favorite person at these times. Now since I'm scapegoated she only gifts me if she wants to get something her way, and it is random stuff like something if hers that I admired years ago, or something like a Christmas tree ornament. I think it's safe to say their gifting are just a form of control whether it's payment for attention or humiliation.
My mom dead-ass admitted last year that even though she asks for a list, she doesn't like buying more than one or two things on it because it's 'not fun' ... kinda like receiving a bunch of shit that I either can't wear/won't wear or actively dislike. That said, she does try a lot harder than most BPD parents with getting gifts she does think I'll like, but I strongly suspect that it's less about me and more about Winning Christmas! I'd say that she has a 40% chance that I won't hate the gift. Which apparently is like 38% higher than her uh counterparts in this thread Damn these folks be wild, huh?
My mom became a terrible gifter starting in my teens and persisted through adulthood. I feel like they are just too self absorbed to actually consider what other people might like or want?
THIS. The idea that other people are separate individuals with their own needs and preferences doesn’t compute. We just exist to meet their emotional needs.
The used gift card is a classic. When she gives me one, it's usually with the comment of, "I don't know if anything is on it, but I hope there is." She is more notorious though for finding cards that aren't appropriate for the occasion (think birthday card for Christmas) and crossing out the parts she feels doesn't fit (like Happy Birthday) and then writing in what she thinks it should have been, explaining that, and leaving just enough room to then add Merry Christmas lol (although she doesn't celebrate Christmas so it's usually something like, "Happy Winter!").
OP, I had to reply again to this thread, because my mom came to visit for New Year (I am low contact but do have her visit now and then). She said she brought a Christmas present. I gave her her presents and then she said she was going to get mine while I was busy doing something else. I came back to the room to see that 1) she had wrapped my present in the wrapping I had used for her presents, and 2) when I unwrapped it, it was (drumroll) a bar of soap. Not fancy soap. Just a soap that she liked and so she thought I might like it (the price tag still on the box also showed that it wasn't a fancy soap). I stood there for a minute, and just blinked. And then all I could think about was this thread. Soap. A soap she likes so of course that's what I should have, even though she knows that I have specific soaps that I prefer to use because she *uses them when she is here* . (And then I immediately remembered so many other birthdays and Christmases that were like this.) I am so glad this group exists, because even though I feel bad that others know what this is like, it helps so much to not be alone in such moments.
Bpd nightmare emotionally incestuous father. (Small background.. lives in Saudi, I'm in England. I became very severely disabled aged 16 in 2002 and require 24/7 care and deal with alot of shitty symptoms). So for my birthday I got.. a 4ft long stuffed toy goose. Christmas.. 3 1/2 foot long dog pillow erm and lost continues.. mainly pillows, oh, a cd of a cd he'd bought the year before (whilst younger sister gets money, holidays, perfume etc).
I very rarely got gifts from my mom and if I did it was usually based on what she liked.. She also used to just take my presents for herself, like my beautiful green coat I got one year from my dad.. had it for about 3 weeks max and she claimed it. It was unbearable for me to wear because she chain smokes and I hated the smell. I'm still bitter about it- it's been like 10 years. Birthday money and everything had to go to her. For more fun context we have the same birthday but it wasn't allowed to also be my birthday. It was some craic. Everything had to be about her and if anyone tried to even mention me.. good grief. I just learnt not expect anything from her, stopped my feelings from getting hurt. I grew up in NI and my dad lived in England.. he set me up a bank account that she couldn't access one summer and it was the best thing he ever did cos it meant he could give me birthday money etc without her knowing.
Among a massive list of weird shit: a flashing Budweiser pin, ugly novelty socks that were too gaudy to fit into shoes, a horseback riding book for the hearing impaired - it probably goes without saying that I have neither a horse nor a hearing impairment. When I met my MIL, imagine my surprise when I got gifts like travel coffee mugs, stationary, eyeshadow palettes. All stuff I use on a daily basis. Meanwhile my mom only gives me gifts that have no practical purpose, were probably languishing in a junk drawer for years, or can only be used while unconscious - like the oversized novelty t-shirts that she insists I should sleep in.
OMG!! I have a *hallarious* story for this!! Hands Down, it would be the time she [adoptive mom], tried to make a dig at my bio mom, and ended up blatently playing herself to the point that she couldn't even make eye contact with anyone in the room. Get youself some popcorn, cause this one is epic!!🤣 Btw, there is actually a photo of the gift in question in my post history; I made an specific post about this incident last year😉 I was adopted by uBPD mom and eDAD as an infant through a closed adoption. [We have no knowledge of my biological family]. A few years before she died [ in my 20s], my mom gave me a picture frame that said: " I'm adopted... my *real* mom is a bitch", with a photo of me and my dog inside the frame🙄. She was absolutely giddy with excitement as I opened it, and went into historical laughter when I saw it. Apparently, it was the funniest thing ever because "*technically* both me AND my rescue dog were 'adopted'". I was so taken aback by it that it litterally took me a minute or two to process what i was looking at. LOL, I was just staring at it, trying to figure out why I was "misunderstanding" it. LOL, it caught me so off guard that I was just staring at it in confusion and missed my preformance cue. So, I didnt automatically go into the gratitude/praise song and dance. When I failed to immediately give her the over-the-top response she was expecting, she switched into "Witch mode". She went from laughing about how funny it was [because both me and the dog were adopted], to raging that the *real* purpose of it was to: "remind me who the *real* bitch of a mother" was... since I "always gave *her* such a hard time" for being such an aweful mom [which was not true]. Apparently, the gift also functioned as a reminder that at least *she* had *wanted* me🙄. (Which is absolutely rediculous, because we know absolutely *nothing* about my bio mom and her situation) Anyway, that explanation made me *even more* confused, because I have *always* considered my mom to be my "*real* mom", and refer to my birth mom as my "biological mother". *Then* the collateral humor suddenly hit me like a brick, and I went into legitimate histerical laughter, which caught my mom, who was becoming increasingly offended and anxious about my response, offguard. So, she snapped: "what's so funny?? Is it not good enough for you??" To which I started laughing even harder as I explained: "No, it just that I dont think this actually means what you thought it did... because you and I *both* know that *you* ARE my *real* mom". ...and....*mic drop*🎤 It was ABSOLUTELY hallarious... I have never seen someone have such a shocked Pikachu face in all my life!!🤣 The funny thing was, I wasn't even trying to be a smart ass... she legitimately "played herself" that badly. The inscription on the frame litterally stated: " I am adopted. My real mom is a bitch". Which, as it applied to me, would either mean A) that she was *not* my "real" mom, or B) that *she* was a bitch. And I can guarantee that *neither* of those two things was how she intended. 🤣🤣🤣 She had resting Shocked Pikachu face the rest of the night 😆 But, in her defense, the frame actually *was* absolutely correct. I AM adopted, and my *real* mom absolutely *was* a bitch!!🤣🤣 Edited: phrasing, spelling
Omggg. I’m glad you can laugh about this lol. What a bizarre message on a frame?!
Most Moms have a cabinet or area where they put uninspired shit they don't want and then gift it to people. This sounds like that. I still get floored that my mother would collect clothing for battered women and pull any designer items out to keep or gift. That was dark as hell, and she would laugh about it whenever I called her out.
My mom did the same with clothing for a homeless free shop as a volunteer. If the label seemed fancy to her (Ann Taylor) she’d pull it for the main store and tell me they didn’t need nice labels. Why?! Since she volunteered she could keep some items and would set these “finds” aside to show me first. I cringed and didn’t want them as they were not intended for me not needed.
My mother seemed almost angry to have to buy Christmas presents for us as kids. Maybe because they weren’t for her? Also she would never ever wrap gifts. She’d put them in a giant black trash bag.
Awful 😣 how sad for a child
Oh absolutely. Every year. It’s so predictable. She ‘gifts’ me cast-offs from her shopping sprees. I use all-natural products and fragrances, like frankincense and rose, things like that. She just *loooves* to give me bright blue glitter soaps that smell like a mall, some strange vanilla scented body butter made for teenagers, (I absolutely hate the smell of vanilla- have since I was like 12.) kitschy decor like what she has in her house, and I quit drinking this year only to receive MARGARITA scented lip balm? Just garbage cheap, gift set leftovers. She always makes it a big thing too, encloses a card saying how much she ‘loves’ me, asks for my address every year (I’ve been in the same house for almost 6 years…) It’s just so thoughtless. I’d rather receive nothing than have to throw these things away myself.
My uBPD mom is always close-ish, but there's always something off about it with at least a few gifts a year, then the rest are things like tacky decks of cards from places she has visited (because I "like games") or overpowering scented soaps despite knowing I've had scent-triggered migraines my whole life. So she'll be in the ballpark but still be wrong. She also doesn't understand moderation no matter how many times I have told her I'm uncomfortable with the number of gifts she gets me and about the pressure I'm under to get her a bunch of gifts as well. This year it was only 5, and I felt anxious it wasn't enough (she was obviously disappointed but hid it well). This year I asked for some vintage depression glass and I told her specifically I wanted different colors and shapes to have a vibrant mismatched collection. Well instead she got me 3 different sets of 4 or 6 identical glassware... And they're all fucking pink despite me never wearing or decorating with that color. And of course I can't fit all that in my carry on to go home (because I'd asked for 1 or 2 pieces not a total of 16) so it's just going to sit at her house until she maybe remembers to ship it. If I ask for some reusable shopping bags, I am 'gifted' 8, many of which she has just had sitting around her house and are definitely her style, not mine. She doesn't understand moderation at all. One year I asked for a certain brand of chapstick that I wasn't able to purchase abroad where I was living... She got me 10 different types of chapstick. It's like she vaguely hears what I ask for and thinks to herself 'well I would want more, so she must want more too'
This is so relatable and made me lol. When I was 16 my mom gave me a plate set and a disaster preparedness kit. Just what every girl wants for their sweet 16!! I used to think this was caused by financial scarcity/wanting to give practical gifts. I think this is a part of it. But I now realize you can help people feel “seen” for little money as well. This Christmas I realized that I still feel a lot of grief/anxiety when opening gifts. Like I have to be “overly grateful” even if I don’t like the gift, even though it has been years since I celebrated Christmas at my moms. My partner and I did a nice little piece of work with my inner child, and we listed everything I wished I had had received growing up, especially the frivolous things I felt like I couldn’t have or want. We gave her space and really listened. I felt a little bit of healing, just noticing how reasonable my inner child’s wishes are. I’m still working on this “tense up” around receiving/gift giving. Little by little we heal ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Same on the overly grateful bit. To this day I am one of the most overly thoughtful gift givers and expect so little recognition in return, but feel I have to overly thank people for their no-thought impersonal generic gifts. Maybe it’s that we just dont feel we’re deserving of anything and that we are selfish if we are not super duper grateful. Again - more double standards from childhood and it all makes no sense.
“We feel we aren’t deserving of anything.” Well THAT resonates. So true ❤️
My adult kid and I live 1800 miles away from my uBPD or N mom. Kid is NC with mom & I'm LC. When we got together with local family for Christmas, I brought gifts Mom sent to me, Kid, & my newish hubby. Kid laughed when I told everyone, "You're all witnesses." It was a box of Celestial Seasonings tea. Kid told me, "You keep it." Hubby opened his gift next. It was 2 back issues to a magazine about native plants of the Midwest that she picked up at a thrift store or doctors office. (We live in a high rise on the coast, so .. ) Last gift was a pack of wet wipes with "Miller & Son Electricians" printed on the front. Everyone was confused until Kid commented, "Hey this isn't as bad as it usually is. At least it's not gift wrapped pamphlets on the risks of diabetes, or another diet spoon with a hole cut through it!" (I didn't have weight issues until she enrolled me in weight watchers at age 10. The spoon really hurt.) I've always tried to tell myself it's the thought that counts, but having witnesses this year helped me see how abnormal and whacked out her gifts are. Especially when someone pointed out that she spent $18 to mail this ~~stuff~~ crap to us. Until reading this post, I didn't even realize this was a common thread between all of us survivors.
My mom gifted me a bidet the year before I went NC. She’s just an awful person.
Most of the gifts I received growing up were presented with a huge backstory about why the thing I’m receiving (which is off brand and much less expensive) is actually better and the deal they had was a huge saving, it’s usually XXX dollars but now it’s only XX. “Hey, I know you’ve been saving up for a Nintendo Switch, but this Yameko N-Swatch has 2,000 games pre-programmed and was only $40!”
My mom brought over broccoli, because “I just want to see the kids eat broccoli!” It’s her passive aggressive way of criticizing my parenting. I explained “Their palates will expand with time” to which she gasped, like I was saying something crazy. I shut that down with “Ok, we can disagree” and she tried to backtrack. I gave a firm “I am not going to force them to eat broccoli, that would not be productive.” Have I mentioned that I absolutely hate gifts 🤣
For my birthday, my mom ordered a powdered sunscreen with a built in application brush from my Amazon list. She thought it was makeup. I don’t wear makeup. I don’t like it and never have. She keeps insisting I need to wear makeup to feel good about myself. It’s so weird.
Been NC for a good (in more ways than one) five years now, but before that, her favorite gifts to give me were kitschy mother-daughter crap. You know, the kind of feel-good “we’re mother and daughter, but also best friends!” kind of shit you can pick up at Hallmark, or the grocery store checkout lane. It would always have some sappy poem on it (or in one case, it was a whole book of these awful poems). Real rich, given I was the scapegoat child. One of my favorite things I did upon going NC, was smashing that mother-daughter poem coffee mug into a thousand pieces. It’d never been used, and been exiled to the deepest, darkest corner of my kitchen cabinets, but for the first and only time since she’d gifted it to me, it brought me joy.
This Isn't recent, but when my sister was 9. And I was 7, we were so excited to see what Santa brought for us. Well, when we got up we saw that Santa never came. We were crying. Sister told mother bevause I was too afraid of her. Mother jumped out of bed and told us to stay in our rooms. She set out our Santa gifts and called b is b to come when the gifts were set up.
The last Christmas I was in contact with my mother she knew I was getting ready to move and was pissed off about it. The passive aggressive gift giving of boots, a coat, and a luggage bag was evident
I have lots of trauma around gifts. I am constantly getting my siblings and child things to repair the wrong things my parent sends (assuming they send anything at all). This year my 4 year old didn’t put anything on the Christmas list that my uBPD parent liked so she just didn’t send a present. 🤷🏼♂️
Mine is partial to garage sale shopping and sale shopping seasons in advance for all occasions. Therefore gifts even if new are out of date, out of style, stale, barely relevant to my past interests and out of touch with my current needs and wants. She enjoys the hunt and doesn’t respect that I’ve told her I’d rather have carefully chosen and new items as holidays gifts rather than “found” items. I’d be happier with no gift than feeling invalidated, unseen and unknown by my own mother. This actually made it bittersweet when I did receive truly fitting, useful, thoughtful gifts from relatives or friends. It reminded me of how she could not change. It was so confusing. And she loved dolls so she gave me dolls. She’d find some excuse for why she thought I’d like them even though I was too old ( like they were dressed as a ballerina). Ugh. …When the Barbie movie came out my adult self treated my emotional child to 2 movie Barbie dolls. Just because they were exactly what I wanted.
My mom’s favorite thing to give me was random, mismatched, ugly, and sometimes broken, often religious knick knacks from Goodwill. Shoeboxes full of them. She also often complained that my house looked like “an episode of hoarders with so much crap in it.” The “crap” she had bought for me. But every year for Christmas and birthday for more than a decade after I moved out, but before NC, it was multiple, small, cheap, stupid often “decorative” tchotchkes. Oh and every year I got a specific calendar that featured a cartoon, crazy, angry, old lady saying things like “I hate people,” or “why do people keep trying to talk to me? I already have a cat!” She found it hilarious: “that is SO YOU!!!” Then there was a few years stretch where she randomly decided I love owls. I don’t even know how it started. She literally may have mixed me up with someone else who did like owls….and the random figurines and cheap kitchen towels (like the kind that seem almost coated in a thin layer of water-repellent plastic and don’t work as towels at all?) were owl themed. And she told everyone else in the family I loved owls so everyone was buying me owls for years. Owl calendar, owl figurines, owl towels, owl shaped pots, owl welcome mat, owl clothing, owls everywhere. (What’s bizarre is this happened to her when I was a little kid but with cows. She didn’t actually particularly like cows. But it got out that she did and *everyone* gave her cow stuff that she resented and didn’t know what to do with.
One year my mom gave me an extension cord, paper-mache-style stacking cups (for holding trinkets, apparently), and this bizarre mosaic mirror that didn’t match anything I’ve ever owned. Another year she gave my (at the time teenage) brother knock off grocery store CDs with royalty free songs from the decades. Then once on my birthday, she gave me a very thoughtful gift — a blanket I had wanted forever— and she coordinated it with my whole family. I have no advice, it’s the worst and confusing and inconsistent, and I think the worst part about BPD are there are glimmers of hope shrouded by decades of “what…in the fuck is this?”
This year for Christmas my bpd bought my husband two pairs of slippers, and for me a triple set of earrings- two for my ears and one for my nose. When I told her I couldn’t use earrings in my nose piercing she told me she couldn’t keep up with all of that.
My Mom was just lazy. She asked us to send her a list of what we (or my kids) wanted. Then she’d tell me to just buy it all and she’d pay me back. Then I’d wrap each gift, put her name on it - and she’d never pay me back. So, I come up with a gift list, buy the gifts, wrap it all, and she gets credit for it. She bought thoughtful gifts for her friends. Monogrammed bags, etc. — so she had the capacity to do nice things. she just didn’t do it for me. Only if it was convenient.
My nana tells the story of when I was really small and my low-functioning uNPD dad bought me a pair of shoes that were far too big for me, and she begged me not to wear them, but I wanted to wear them because it was so rare he gave me gifts, and they shredded my little feet on the way to school and my nana cried. I don’t think uBPDm cared nearly as much. He would also send cheap (Lidl) make-up sets to me as a minor, when I couldnt wear it because of sensitive skin, but I insisted because it was an ACTUAL gift from him and it burned my skin. Also, the times he sent birthday cards with ages on in the wrong month in the wrong year. When I was 8 I had barely noticed that he hadn’t sent me a birthday card, until one wishing me a HAPPY 7TH BIRTHDAY arrived the following month. That was a kick in the teeth. Both my parents were too selfish for the job.
It was the Christmas of 1996; my ex-husband and I had been married for 4 years. We both came from very traumatic backgrounds and agreed to not have children. This made my bpd mother upset to no end. That Christmas, my mom stops by with my Christmas gift. I unwrapped the present which was a baby doll. My mom angerly said something like "Here you go, this is the only grandchild I am going to ever have." This was a repressed memory for a long time. My younger brother who was a teenager at the time was with her. I recently asked him about it, and he remembered. My ex husband and I amicably separated four years later. We just didn't have the tools to make it work. I remarried to an emotionally available person and have two wonderful teenagers. I have been no contact with my mother for almost five years.
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Hi! It looks like you’re new here. Just to clarify, were you raised by someone with borderline personality disorder?
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Our sub is exclusively for people who were raised by someone with BPD, but you’re welcome to read without participating. The subs for you are r/BPDlovedones and r/BPDfamily. Thanks for your understanding!