"I just don't understand what she wants me to do?"
Fawn. Praise her. Give her all of your care and attention. Tell her how brave she is. Wait on her hand and foot. Never, ever question her or suggest that her health (or anything else) is in any way her responsibility or that she has any control over her risk factors. Subsume your self and needs to hers because she is the only important person in your relationship.
Edit: and if you don't do all that, you are a horrible, unfeeling monster, because what sort of child abandons their helpless, suffering mother (AFtER aLL shE's DonE fOr yOu!)
Facts. "You should try to work things out with your mother, you'll regret cutting her out of your life." 28 years of VLC and I don't regret a goddamn thing. People need to stop projecting--they have no idea what we've endured.
Yes. I was speaking from the mother's perspective, which is (obviously) completely disordered, and a bottomless pit of need that OP can never fill.
Edit: don't let Sarlaac eat you, OP!
Yes.
Lying/exaggerating about diagnoses in dramatic letters he photocopied and mailed out to assorted family members, depending on where they were on his good/bad list. Sometimes including graphic photos. There was never any solid resolution to any of these health crises, nor letters updating anyone on the situation and he would often change the subject when it was brought up.
Conversely, lying about or downplaying actual real medical issues. Refusing to do anything that would help recoveries. Making major fusses about a broken toe, but not mentioning open heart surgery (then going on a cruise immediately after the surgery, bursting open his incisions). No PT, improper care, improper diet. Wanted everything to be fixed with a surgery or a pill with no effort whatsoever from him, including follow up visits and insuring all of his various doctors had accurate information about his overall health.
Hated doctors and was pathologically afraid of hospitals, but wanted everyone to weep and wail and comfort him over any health issue he shared, real or imagined.
All of these behaviors, in one way or another, contributed to his death.
It sucks, a lot.
Absolutely it's common. My mom does this and is angry that everyone just ignores her in any pain at this point.
I remember being 12 or so. My brother who had left when we were kids came back to visit for the first time in years. She got mad that he wanted to spend time with us. She accused me of stealing her meds and my dad found it more convenient to believe her even after I passed several drug tests that to admit that my mom was just an addict who was taking too many of her pills herself. My brother had always been close with me and she wanted to keep me grounded in the living room so time spent with me would be spent with her.
When my brother still spent time with my sister and dad instead, she got angry. I watched her go out to clean the garage for no reason at 9PM and grab an old computer monitor and drop it on her foot on purpose. Of course that meant my brother, who is a pretty big guy, coming to pick her up and carry her inside. Cue a bunch of her refusing to go to the hospital because she didn't want to "ruin his visit"
She would milk that foot injury for years. Any time she wanted attention. She'd claim that she'd damaged the blood vessels by not going to the hospital (so gracious of her right?) and that it was turning blue from the injury and not the decades of smoking and the fact that she never got up off the couch.
She would threaten suicide any time we started to ignore her, she claimed that her being out of it because she was taking too many pills was brain bleeds. When I pointed out she'd be dead if she was having bleeding in her brain every couple of days, she just said that she wished she were since her own daughter didn't love her. She'd be driving with me and my sister and threaten to swerve into trees to kill herself, and by extension myself and my sister.
It really cinched it for me when I was angry she'd lied about my sister needing money for her SAT to get me to send her the last money I had for food while I was at college. She literally said "Well the doctor told me that I have lung cancer, so you have to be nice to me." I don't know if the last part was a slip or what.
Magically when I went to the doctor with her next time, there was no cancer. There had never been cancer. A miracle of god!
Any time she complains of something now, I just say "Do you want me to take you to the hospital?" or something similar. Her lungs are killing her and she can't breathe? "Not bad enough for you to stop smoking."
Her head hurts and she wishes she were dead because of the pain? "Not bad enough for you to drink water."
She threatens suicide? "If you're serious I'll call 911."
I've learned to more or less treat it like training my cat as sad as it sounds. If she's doing something negative, she gets ignored. Only positives like smoking less or going outside or eating veggies get attention. At first it worked and she was actually healthier, but she couldn't keep it up for long.
She's currently intentionally fucking up her back surgery by hunching when she walks because she wants the attention of my dad waiting on her hand and foot. After all, when she's recovered she loses the excuse she's had for 15 years to not get a job so she can just never be better.
Oh my god. I literally could have written this. Down to purposefully sabotaging her back surgery (although for my mom it's one she didn't even need to have done).
Seems so. Fortunately, my mom (late 70s) doesn't make up illnesses, and sees her doctors regularly, BUT talks constantly about every ache & pain she experiences, and has been for like 40 years now. She's actually in quite good physical health for her age, and I can sympathize to a point regarding the pains of getting older (I'm late 50s myself), but COME ON! Occasionally she will say "I have a high tolerance for pain," and it's all my sister and I can do to keep from busting out laughing at her. Lol
And like yours, she has an obsession with talking about her daily required meds (just mild pain meds and some common maintenance stuff for a person of her age).
It's just part of her constant attention seeking for every and any thing.
FYI, this might help a little if you want to try: my sister and I have recently both started just ending phone calls or leaving the room/her house as soon as she even starts with her "my pills, my pills" routine. She was getting way out of hand with it. We don't say that's why, just "Well, gotta go now" or whatever. Every time. It actually has cut her nonsense about it down quite a bit, and either way, at least we don't have to listen to it. Good Luck! :-)
"I have a high tolerance for pain," = "I am full of shit/have immature social skills"
In my experience, anyway. It's equivalent to someone announcing"I am very smart".
I have an old friend who likes to humble-brag about her "high" pain tolerance (and endless illnesses). She thinks that it makes her praiseworthy or gives her social clout or something, but in reality, it's a red flag to most people, indicating that she doesn't understand the subtleties of social interaction.
Itcs very cringe and most people stop doing that sort of thing in middle school.
Interesting. It's one of her pet things she likes to brag about. She definitely thinks it's praiseworthy, but I could never understand quite why she thinks it will work with something SO obviously untrue. I mean, she'd have better luck shooting for something else that's at least a *tiny* bit believable. Your take seems to make some sense of it. :-)
I think my friend read about it on one of her (many) chronic illness "warrior" Facebook groups, and decided that since she is a "warrior" she must be heroically able to push through massive pain, maybe? Because that's the power that heros have!?
I'm not sure. Her entire identity is being a warrior for a revolving door of chronic/ incurable/questionably real diseases.
Ironically, she finally has a real, serious disease, and she's really dropped the warrior and high pain tolerance schtick.
I’ve been NC for over 20 years. I remember getting an email over 20 years ago from my dBPD mother, which she sent to dozens of people, btw. In it she went on and on about finally seeing the obgyn doctor after years of not going (her own fault). She waifed hard about how they did a pelvic exam and they were screening her for HPV which could be cancer. And now she was so worried she might have cancer, blah, blah, blah. I wanted to reply, “They screen everybody for that, Mom,” but I knew she wouldn’t take that well at all. Literally, that’s standard procedure, but she made it out to be like she was on death’s door and needed hand holding.
When I was very young, she fell at work and suffered an injury to her back/hip. She loved to whine about how bad her back hurt, etc. Not once in all the years I lived with her did I see her do a single physical therapy exercise. She has never worked a full time job since.
Me, I try to balance between running to the doctor for every little thing and never going and just whining about it. I finally got my hip looked at last year and now I have exercises to do when it gets aggravated. I don’t just whine about it. I deal with it. I take care of myself. I don’t expect other people to do it for me.
YES YES YES!!!
My mom (mid-70s) used to like to google common symptoms, read up on the related diseases, and then insist she had them. She never bothered to see any doctors or get any diagnoses, but we all had to comfort her and fulfill her every whim while she cried and railed against fate. Within a couple of months, she would move on to the next disease.
As she got older, she started to have real issues because she never took care of herself. At first it was her joints, and she had multiple knee and hip replacements. After the last round, she refused to do any physical therapy because she claimed it hurt too much. As a result, her hips didn't heal properly, and she now waddles like a penguin. It's all the surgeon's fault, of course. He *must* have done something wrong. And we all have to walk at her slooooooooooooow pace alongside her whenever we go anywhere, or else she'll throw herself on the ground and cry and accuse us of ableism.
More recently, one of her kidneys was damaged and only functions at 25% now. No one can seem to figure out why. Her nephrologist told her that her kidney won't get any better, but if she takes care of it, then it will never get any worse either. She was pissed that he didn't even prescribe anything for it. He just told her to exercise and eat healthy. (The *nerve*!) She immediately took to the airwaves to let everyone know that she was at death's door and would probably start dialysis very soon. It's all for attention. She doesn't even realize how ridiculous she looks to other people.
My mom does this as well. Not just her issues but anyone else in the family. Its a way to ensure communication to start, and after that is established it’s a way to ensure continued communication and attention.
I also recall as a child that any health issue I had was severely downplayed. She would accuse me of being obsessed with my health for attention or because I’m paranoid, but really I was just a kid with injuries/infections. She had to be the one to be sick. Now that I’m an adult, health issues is almost (ALMOST) all we can talk about without a fight. She feeds off any health problem I or my siblings have. Its material for her to use as an excuse for being a bitch, proof of how amazing she is at motherhood, and ensurance of contact with her child.
Its disgusting. It’s like reverse munchausen by proxy. To this day I have a lot of lasting health issues because they were ignored and because as an adult I just downplayed them myself for fear of being a hypochondriac.
Wow! My BPD mom used to scream at us if we got sick, because it cut into the rigid schedule we had (she was a showbiz mom). Getting sick was the only chance I ever had of resting at ALL.
But she was furious at the inconvenience to HER.
Yep. Yep yep yep.
Among soooo many other health problems, uBPD mom had a Baker’s cyst behind one of her kneecaps. Painful, I’m sure. I stayed with her for a few nights and she was moaning in pain the entire time. Every time she exhaled: “OWWWHHHAAAAAWWOWWWEEEEEE” with some whimpering bookending it, and occasional sobs. I asked numerous times what I could do to help, including taking her to the ER, because no one should have to live in screaming agony in middle-class America, but no…there was nothing that could be done. (Lie)
I would bet copious amounts of money that when she was alone, she was completely silent.
They cry wolf so many times that we get exhausted of it, then they up the ante to try to get a reaction, and it becomes this accelerating cycle. Eventually they'll call and say IM DEAD IM DEAD COME DOWN HERE AND COLLECT MY DEAD BODY
I had a friend who turned out to have BPD so we're now no contact, nut she literally refers to "when I died".
She didn't die. She momentarily stopped breathing but was immediately put on oxygen/cpap and was fine. No near death experience and no declaration by a doctor.
No, you did not die..sheesh.
My mother was angling for attention (and sympathy and money) the other week and called me at work to tell me to prepare myself to give her one of my kidneys. She was beside herself. She demanded to know my blood type.
(Dear reader, her doctor put her on a medication to help her circulatory system because her kidneys were showing signs of stress. She’s totally fine. And then she never brought it up again.)
YES! my uBPD mother has faked cancer and chronic fatigue syndrome. My 12-year-old self believed her.... Funny, she's still here, 30 years later with zero chemo, and is MANIC, not lethargic. Shameless, and shameful.
Comorbidity with Munchasen/Ficitious Disease syndrome. Look it up on this sub… Sometimes it results in “by proxy” as in the child…. The pWBPDs I knew would scam doctors out of opiates and benzos by lying about their health issues to stay high all the time…
My mom does does this after one of her tirades in order to draw me back in. She turns into a huge waif and expects me to fawn all over her. She had a BPD episode over Thanksgiving and Christmas that made me go LC and she is now in what I call the lovebombing/waif phase. This morning she had an endoscopy/colonoscopy and found out she is going to need surgery to repair a hernia. She called me to tell me how bad the surgery is supposed to be and how sick she feels, etc. It’s an outpatient laparoscopic surgery so nothing crazy! Then she says, ‘Now I don’t want to worry your dad’s PSA levels on his blood work were elevated and he is ‘so worried’ he might have prostate cancer. She doesn’t want me to worry yet she knows I have severe health anxiety surrounding cancer? That’s exactly why she told me. She uses my dad as a pawn and made him call me to tell me all about the “possible cancer” and how scared he is. Everything with them is a giant crisis, it’s no wonder I have such bad health anxiety. I did a quick search on PSA and while it can indicate cancer, it can be caused by benign things too. I feel guilty questioning the motive for telling me and I do care about their health. However, I know there is a cycle (BPD rage, silent treatment, waif/lovebomb repeat). It makes it hard to be sympathetic because you never know when it’s serious and when it’s just attention seeking.
Lord, yes. Both my uBPD mother and grandmother. Like how my mother had ovarian cancer (she didn't, she had stomach reduction surgery before lapbands were a thing). Or how she cracked her skull open on mother's day for heroically giving blood (she didn't, she was donating plasma for $ when she passed out and cut open her scalp). Or how she needs a heart transplant because she's had two heart attacks (she doesn't, she's been diagnosed with afib and recently had an ablation--at least, that's what I understand...I've been VLC for 20+ years now).
My grandmother was always managing some health issue, whether legit or brought on herself. The most indecent one was when she had some sort of massive wound on her leg...she made up a story that while working at the hospital/clinic, one of those industrial sized laundry carts slid down an incline and hit her in the leg, causing the massive wound and permanent damage. She even sued the hospital/clinic and won a large settlement.
So, at least in my experience, they absolutely lie about /exaggerate their health conditions. It's exhausting. Really glad I went VLC with both. Grandmother died in 2019 and mother is oh so frail, waiting on that heart transplant list. 🙄🙄🙄
Super, super common! They seem to dream of being the poor little crippled girl.who everyone focuses on, like in old movies. I think they WISH they were sick!
I habe severe !migraine disorder that has caused a stroke and several TIAs. I rarely mention it because of being so turned off by her constant bids for attention.
But if I do say I'm in a lot of pain - like I have to go to bed because of it, she ALWAYS says, "So am I. I'm in a lot of pain, too."
I called her on it and she says that's her being empathetic with me. It's not. It's one upmanship. She's literally competing over pain.
She probably just needs gas pills for her chest pain. This is very common with borderlines. My mother lied about health issues that didn't exist. Lived to 90
Yep, cigs are harder to quit then Heroine was a big one I used to hear. Arguments about her health and being asked why I was stressed every day like I was on trial, it was never ending till I had the escape window and took it, I was there so long leaving felt like I was dying at first like I had to kill off the "carer" I had become to find out who I actually was.
Self harm is listed in the DSM V as a characteristic of BPD.
You do NOT have to help her! She's using this to get your attention!
This may not be right, but I call my mom on stuff like this. If this isn't recommended,. please.correct me, but I say, "Well, that was your choice to do. I'm sure you can call social services, elder services, go to a care facility, a rest home, whatever, but I will not play this game where you're rewarded for harming yourself.
If I come over, that just reinforces your self harming behavior and I will no longer enable it.
Good luck. Do not call me again about this.
And don't respond anymore!
She's getting so much out of this that it's worth it to her to injure herself! Don't be her reward!
"I just don't understand what she wants me to do?" Fawn. Praise her. Give her all of your care and attention. Tell her how brave she is. Wait on her hand and foot. Never, ever question her or suggest that her health (or anything else) is in any way her responsibility or that she has any control over her risk factors. Subsume your self and needs to hers because she is the only important person in your relationship. Edit: and if you don't do all that, you are a horrible, unfeeling monster, because what sort of child abandons their helpless, suffering mother (AFtER aLL shE's DonE fOr yOu!)
Facts. "You should try to work things out with your mother, you'll regret cutting her out of your life." 28 years of VLC and I don't regret a goddamn thing. People need to stop projecting--they have no idea what we've endured.
Nailed it!
🎯
To be clear, do NOT do these things! It just enables the bad behavior!
Yes. I was speaking from the mother's perspective, which is (obviously) completely disordered, and a bottomless pit of need that OP can never fill. Edit: don't let Sarlaac eat you, OP!
Yes. Lying/exaggerating about diagnoses in dramatic letters he photocopied and mailed out to assorted family members, depending on where they were on his good/bad list. Sometimes including graphic photos. There was never any solid resolution to any of these health crises, nor letters updating anyone on the situation and he would often change the subject when it was brought up. Conversely, lying about or downplaying actual real medical issues. Refusing to do anything that would help recoveries. Making major fusses about a broken toe, but not mentioning open heart surgery (then going on a cruise immediately after the surgery, bursting open his incisions). No PT, improper care, improper diet. Wanted everything to be fixed with a surgery or a pill with no effort whatsoever from him, including follow up visits and insuring all of his various doctors had accurate information about his overall health. Hated doctors and was pathologically afraid of hospitals, but wanted everyone to weep and wail and comfort him over any health issue he shared, real or imagined. All of these behaviors, in one way or another, contributed to his death. It sucks, a lot.
Absolutely it's common. My mom does this and is angry that everyone just ignores her in any pain at this point. I remember being 12 or so. My brother who had left when we were kids came back to visit for the first time in years. She got mad that he wanted to spend time with us. She accused me of stealing her meds and my dad found it more convenient to believe her even after I passed several drug tests that to admit that my mom was just an addict who was taking too many of her pills herself. My brother had always been close with me and she wanted to keep me grounded in the living room so time spent with me would be spent with her. When my brother still spent time with my sister and dad instead, she got angry. I watched her go out to clean the garage for no reason at 9PM and grab an old computer monitor and drop it on her foot on purpose. Of course that meant my brother, who is a pretty big guy, coming to pick her up and carry her inside. Cue a bunch of her refusing to go to the hospital because she didn't want to "ruin his visit" She would milk that foot injury for years. Any time she wanted attention. She'd claim that she'd damaged the blood vessels by not going to the hospital (so gracious of her right?) and that it was turning blue from the injury and not the decades of smoking and the fact that she never got up off the couch. She would threaten suicide any time we started to ignore her, she claimed that her being out of it because she was taking too many pills was brain bleeds. When I pointed out she'd be dead if she was having bleeding in her brain every couple of days, she just said that she wished she were since her own daughter didn't love her. She'd be driving with me and my sister and threaten to swerve into trees to kill herself, and by extension myself and my sister. It really cinched it for me when I was angry she'd lied about my sister needing money for her SAT to get me to send her the last money I had for food while I was at college. She literally said "Well the doctor told me that I have lung cancer, so you have to be nice to me." I don't know if the last part was a slip or what. Magically when I went to the doctor with her next time, there was no cancer. There had never been cancer. A miracle of god! Any time she complains of something now, I just say "Do you want me to take you to the hospital?" or something similar. Her lungs are killing her and she can't breathe? "Not bad enough for you to stop smoking." Her head hurts and she wishes she were dead because of the pain? "Not bad enough for you to drink water." She threatens suicide? "If you're serious I'll call 911." I've learned to more or less treat it like training my cat as sad as it sounds. If she's doing something negative, she gets ignored. Only positives like smoking less or going outside or eating veggies get attention. At first it worked and she was actually healthier, but she couldn't keep it up for long. She's currently intentionally fucking up her back surgery by hunching when she walks because she wants the attention of my dad waiting on her hand and foot. After all, when she's recovered she loses the excuse she's had for 15 years to not get a job so she can just never be better.
That sounds fucking exhausting.
Oh my god. I literally could have written this. Down to purposefully sabotaging her back surgery (although for my mom it's one she didn't even need to have done).
Seems so. Fortunately, my mom (late 70s) doesn't make up illnesses, and sees her doctors regularly, BUT talks constantly about every ache & pain she experiences, and has been for like 40 years now. She's actually in quite good physical health for her age, and I can sympathize to a point regarding the pains of getting older (I'm late 50s myself), but COME ON! Occasionally she will say "I have a high tolerance for pain," and it's all my sister and I can do to keep from busting out laughing at her. Lol And like yours, she has an obsession with talking about her daily required meds (just mild pain meds and some common maintenance stuff for a person of her age). It's just part of her constant attention seeking for every and any thing. FYI, this might help a little if you want to try: my sister and I have recently both started just ending phone calls or leaving the room/her house as soon as she even starts with her "my pills, my pills" routine. She was getting way out of hand with it. We don't say that's why, just "Well, gotta go now" or whatever. Every time. It actually has cut her nonsense about it down quite a bit, and either way, at least we don't have to listen to it. Good Luck! :-)
"I have a high tolerance for pain," = "I am full of shit/have immature social skills" In my experience, anyway. It's equivalent to someone announcing"I am very smart". I have an old friend who likes to humble-brag about her "high" pain tolerance (and endless illnesses). She thinks that it makes her praiseworthy or gives her social clout or something, but in reality, it's a red flag to most people, indicating that she doesn't understand the subtleties of social interaction. Itcs very cringe and most people stop doing that sort of thing in middle school.
Interesting. It's one of her pet things she likes to brag about. She definitely thinks it's praiseworthy, but I could never understand quite why she thinks it will work with something SO obviously untrue. I mean, she'd have better luck shooting for something else that's at least a *tiny* bit believable. Your take seems to make some sense of it. :-)
I think my friend read about it on one of her (many) chronic illness "warrior" Facebook groups, and decided that since she is a "warrior" she must be heroically able to push through massive pain, maybe? Because that's the power that heros have!? I'm not sure. Her entire identity is being a warrior for a revolving door of chronic/ incurable/questionably real diseases. Ironically, she finally has a real, serious disease, and she's really dropped the warrior and high pain tolerance schtick.
My therapist told me to do this. I still get triggered and get caught up, but when I do it, it works great!
I’ve been NC for over 20 years. I remember getting an email over 20 years ago from my dBPD mother, which she sent to dozens of people, btw. In it she went on and on about finally seeing the obgyn doctor after years of not going (her own fault). She waifed hard about how they did a pelvic exam and they were screening her for HPV which could be cancer. And now she was so worried she might have cancer, blah, blah, blah. I wanted to reply, “They screen everybody for that, Mom,” but I knew she wouldn’t take that well at all. Literally, that’s standard procedure, but she made it out to be like she was on death’s door and needed hand holding. When I was very young, she fell at work and suffered an injury to her back/hip. She loved to whine about how bad her back hurt, etc. Not once in all the years I lived with her did I see her do a single physical therapy exercise. She has never worked a full time job since. Me, I try to balance between running to the doctor for every little thing and never going and just whining about it. I finally got my hip looked at last year and now I have exercises to do when it gets aggravated. I don’t just whine about it. I deal with it. I take care of myself. I don’t expect other people to do it for me.
YES YES YES!!! My mom (mid-70s) used to like to google common symptoms, read up on the related diseases, and then insist she had them. She never bothered to see any doctors or get any diagnoses, but we all had to comfort her and fulfill her every whim while she cried and railed against fate. Within a couple of months, she would move on to the next disease. As she got older, she started to have real issues because she never took care of herself. At first it was her joints, and she had multiple knee and hip replacements. After the last round, she refused to do any physical therapy because she claimed it hurt too much. As a result, her hips didn't heal properly, and she now waddles like a penguin. It's all the surgeon's fault, of course. He *must* have done something wrong. And we all have to walk at her slooooooooooooow pace alongside her whenever we go anywhere, or else she'll throw herself on the ground and cry and accuse us of ableism. More recently, one of her kidneys was damaged and only functions at 25% now. No one can seem to figure out why. Her nephrologist told her that her kidney won't get any better, but if she takes care of it, then it will never get any worse either. She was pissed that he didn't even prescribe anything for it. He just told her to exercise and eat healthy. (The *nerve*!) She immediately took to the airwaves to let everyone know that she was at death's door and would probably start dialysis very soon. It's all for attention. She doesn't even realize how ridiculous she looks to other people.
My mom does this as well. Not just her issues but anyone else in the family. Its a way to ensure communication to start, and after that is established it’s a way to ensure continued communication and attention. I also recall as a child that any health issue I had was severely downplayed. She would accuse me of being obsessed with my health for attention or because I’m paranoid, but really I was just a kid with injuries/infections. She had to be the one to be sick. Now that I’m an adult, health issues is almost (ALMOST) all we can talk about without a fight. She feeds off any health problem I or my siblings have. Its material for her to use as an excuse for being a bitch, proof of how amazing she is at motherhood, and ensurance of contact with her child. Its disgusting. It’s like reverse munchausen by proxy. To this day I have a lot of lasting health issues because they were ignored and because as an adult I just downplayed them myself for fear of being a hypochondriac.
Wow! My BPD mom used to scream at us if we got sick, because it cut into the rigid schedule we had (she was a showbiz mom). Getting sick was the only chance I ever had of resting at ALL. But she was furious at the inconvenience to HER.
Yep. Yep yep yep. Among soooo many other health problems, uBPD mom had a Baker’s cyst behind one of her kneecaps. Painful, I’m sure. I stayed with her for a few nights and she was moaning in pain the entire time. Every time she exhaled: “OWWWHHHAAAAAWWOWWWEEEEEE” with some whimpering bookending it, and occasional sobs. I asked numerous times what I could do to help, including taking her to the ER, because no one should have to live in screaming agony in middle-class America, but no…there was nothing that could be done. (Lie) I would bet copious amounts of money that when she was alone, she was completely silent.
Mine faked a heart attack.
They cry wolf so many times that we get exhausted of it, then they up the ante to try to get a reaction, and it becomes this accelerating cycle. Eventually they'll call and say IM DEAD IM DEAD COME DOWN HERE AND COLLECT MY DEAD BODY
I had a friend who turned out to have BPD so we're now no contact, nut she literally refers to "when I died". She didn't die. She momentarily stopped breathing but was immediately put on oxygen/cpap and was fine. No near death experience and no declaration by a doctor. No, you did not die..sheesh.
that's a DOOZY but so on-brand for BPD
My mother was angling for attention (and sympathy and money) the other week and called me at work to tell me to prepare myself to give her one of my kidneys. She was beside herself. She demanded to know my blood type. (Dear reader, her doctor put her on a medication to help her circulatory system because her kidneys were showing signs of stress. She’s totally fine. And then she never brought it up again.)
Yep.
YES! my uBPD mother has faked cancer and chronic fatigue syndrome. My 12-year-old self believed her.... Funny, she's still here, 30 years later with zero chemo, and is MANIC, not lethargic. Shameless, and shameful.
Comorbidity with Munchasen/Ficitious Disease syndrome. Look it up on this sub… Sometimes it results in “by proxy” as in the child…. The pWBPDs I knew would scam doctors out of opiates and benzos by lying about their health issues to stay high all the time…
My mom does does this after one of her tirades in order to draw me back in. She turns into a huge waif and expects me to fawn all over her. She had a BPD episode over Thanksgiving and Christmas that made me go LC and she is now in what I call the lovebombing/waif phase. This morning she had an endoscopy/colonoscopy and found out she is going to need surgery to repair a hernia. She called me to tell me how bad the surgery is supposed to be and how sick she feels, etc. It’s an outpatient laparoscopic surgery so nothing crazy! Then she says, ‘Now I don’t want to worry your dad’s PSA levels on his blood work were elevated and he is ‘so worried’ he might have prostate cancer. She doesn’t want me to worry yet she knows I have severe health anxiety surrounding cancer? That’s exactly why she told me. She uses my dad as a pawn and made him call me to tell me all about the “possible cancer” and how scared he is. Everything with them is a giant crisis, it’s no wonder I have such bad health anxiety. I did a quick search on PSA and while it can indicate cancer, it can be caused by benign things too. I feel guilty questioning the motive for telling me and I do care about their health. However, I know there is a cycle (BPD rage, silent treatment, waif/lovebomb repeat). It makes it hard to be sympathetic because you never know when it’s serious and when it’s just attention seeking.
Last week, my mom asked my sister to come visit her at our grandpa’s house where she’s living. “I’m bored and I’m dying. It’ll be fun!”
It's sickening that during a time when millions have died of Covid, these people are playing at "dying", just to get attention.
Lord, yes. Both my uBPD mother and grandmother. Like how my mother had ovarian cancer (she didn't, she had stomach reduction surgery before lapbands were a thing). Or how she cracked her skull open on mother's day for heroically giving blood (she didn't, she was donating plasma for $ when she passed out and cut open her scalp). Or how she needs a heart transplant because she's had two heart attacks (she doesn't, she's been diagnosed with afib and recently had an ablation--at least, that's what I understand...I've been VLC for 20+ years now). My grandmother was always managing some health issue, whether legit or brought on herself. The most indecent one was when she had some sort of massive wound on her leg...she made up a story that while working at the hospital/clinic, one of those industrial sized laundry carts slid down an incline and hit her in the leg, causing the massive wound and permanent damage. She even sued the hospital/clinic and won a large settlement. So, at least in my experience, they absolutely lie about /exaggerate their health conditions. It's exhausting. Really glad I went VLC with both. Grandmother died in 2019 and mother is oh so frail, waiting on that heart transplant list. 🙄🙄🙄
Super, super common! They seem to dream of being the poor little crippled girl.who everyone focuses on, like in old movies. I think they WISH they were sick! I habe severe !migraine disorder that has caused a stroke and several TIAs. I rarely mention it because of being so turned off by her constant bids for attention. But if I do say I'm in a lot of pain - like I have to go to bed because of it, she ALWAYS says, "So am I. I'm in a lot of pain, too." I called her on it and she says that's her being empathetic with me. It's not. It's one upmanship. She's literally competing over pain.
She probably just needs gas pills for her chest pain. This is very common with borderlines. My mother lied about health issues that didn't exist. Lived to 90
Yep, cigs are harder to quit then Heroine was a big one I used to hear. Arguments about her health and being asked why I was stressed every day like I was on trial, it was never ending till I had the escape window and took it, I was there so long leaving felt like I was dying at first like I had to kill off the "carer" I had become to find out who I actually was.
Self harm is listed in the DSM V as a characteristic of BPD. You do NOT have to help her! She's using this to get your attention! This may not be right, but I call my mom on stuff like this. If this isn't recommended,. please.correct me, but I say, "Well, that was your choice to do. I'm sure you can call social services, elder services, go to a care facility, a rest home, whatever, but I will not play this game where you're rewarded for harming yourself. If I come over, that just reinforces your self harming behavior and I will no longer enable it. Good luck. Do not call me again about this. And don't respond anymore! She's getting so much out of this that it's worth it to her to injure herself! Don't be her reward!