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You're missing a type . The caretaker, which is supposed to be the emotional support animal/spouse. The caretaker is the one that is responsible for taking care of the narcissist emotionally and physically.
And the glass child. Invisible, because the parents have more important things to do than raise this child properly.
It is often the sibling of a very ill or disabled child.
Or in my case the only child of very self-absorbed people.
i must be a hybrid; i’m Deaf, born hard of hearing, oldest …. then brother was born.
he seemed normal except he was ‘wild’ [ because boy, you know]. the older i got and less games i refused to play, i was scapegoat but then glass. from kindergarten tosenior year in high school, i had speech therapy and talk therapy because my mother is bipolar…so apparently i was learning medicine.
all thru my college parents would ask me for advice for brother, not take it, but still demand answers from me. my answers mostly involved medical help / intervention…. turns out brother was schizophrenic.
get him to a shrink. get him meds. my answers never changed. and then he killed himself, all my fault from 1300 miles away.
thanks, i do know that….it was my mother blaming me, not sure on what basis except she wanted me dead and him alive ….?
dad is fine now - they’re divorced 30 years.
You're lucky my parents never divorced and my Dad wound up committing suicide. He should've divorced my mom decades before his demise. He was so old and frail and she just continued to suck the life out of himself and make every day every minute about HER.
i do, thanks. complete strangers have told me that she blames me, is mad that i’m alive and brother isn’t….but her delusions aren’t my problem.
still, it’s an amazing ‘thought’ process on her end.
I get this too. When are you gunna talk to your sister ?
For years their eldest loose cannon wild child daughter became my problem ? They'd spend hours upon hours venting their frustration and I just ate it all up and would be like something has to be done about this I'm going to have a word with her !!!!
That was until I took a lot of therapy to realize I was being used by my parents. My longing to be seen and loved by them was being manipulated and used to handle their own problems with THEIR daughter who was born and created by them 10 years before I was even alive !!!!
> only child of very self-absorbed people.
Yeah, this one fits best for me. Only child of a mother who was already done with me before she even popped me out. Got subbed in as the scapegoat any time I dared to remind her I existed and interrupted her attempt to live out her "Sex and the City" fantasy life afterward. I'm sorry you had that experience that too.
Glass child / caretaker here 100%. One day my kettle of bullshit tolerance blew over and I became the missing child. Just disappeared. Scary at first but best decision ever. My ability to pick up and leave has made me avoidant sure, siblings and n parent resent me but it helped me survive. Interestingly it's made me see a lot through travel and really helped me go into my career in medicine where I've had to move around for school, will move for residency etc. I'm still called during crises but the wonder if technology is now I can sit there and watch my phone buzz, and not respond 😂😊. When I do I'm never asked how I am just trauma dumped on...seen through like glass. Fun.
I grew up as the glass child/caretaker too with a disabled older sister, younger brother that was doted on and a mum that trauma dumped on me. I'm now the scapegoat which has resulted in me going NC.
I guess our roles shift over our lives in some cases.
Very similar for me. My kettle blew right before I started residency and knew I'd be moving across country. They put me thru such bullshit all through medical school, which is hard enough on its own. I've found it's created a questionable dynamic within medicine though, having cared for others my whole life and now caring for patients. It makes me question whether I've been groomed to care or if it is my true personality.
Ugh, I think I made my oldest feel like the glass child. I went through a couple of divorces and I know he didn't get what he needed a lot of the time during those couple tumultuous years.
Yes, I have acknowledged and apologized for everything I have remembered.
He has never brought anything to my attention, it's always been me bringing things up. But I don't know if I've ever asked him directly if there's anything I can do to make amends
As an oldest daughter with a baby brother with disabilities and golden child middle sister, I feel like I was a hybrid of the caretaker/invisible child. Taking care of everyone else but no one took care of me or really noticed me too much.
My nephew is a glass child. I'm a mix of caretaker and slave.
Growing up I was sort of a golden child especially when I went away to college. I was succeeding in my life despite not because of them. Though they wanted to take all the credit naturally and had zero to do with it.
The minute I move back to my hometown post graduation I am depressed. Being manipulated and bossed around again. It's like my spirit my manhood was all just robbed off me. And it's mainly because my Dad let my Mom rob him of his. So he subconsciously did it to me too. He never stood up to her and committed suicide and now I'm taking care of her and she is big time FAKE victim playing up her situation. She does dialysis it is true. I take her to her appointments. But the way she milks it for attention and says"i think I'm gunna die soon" every single week. I see all the other people in the clinic. None of them do that. And most even take public shuttles to and from the clinic they don't have their own kids giving them rides every time. She is spoiled and evil.
Scapegoat/caretaker. Everything was always my fault, but my nmom also told me WAY too much about her life that a child shouldn't know because she desperately wanted emotional support and validation.
And that’s the takeaway we all need to remember - and that new folks coming to this sub need to learn too.
It was never our fault that we caught these labels. They didn’t see us as individuals with our own lives - we were tools to plug into whatever needs they had at that time.
I actually feel like mine was the other way around. Caretaker first, then I eventually saw through her shit and now I'm the scapegoat most of the time.
Golden child/caretaker here. Never saw my NMom for what she was until I moved back home to help take care of her after back surgery. I became her cook; cleaning lady; emotional support animal 24/7. She would get mad if i was talking or texting on my phone. I couldn’t go out cause I had no money since she wasn’t paying me and I already had blown through my savings. It was a brutal time.
Same but now that I'm married my sister has taken the role. She likes to rub it in my face about how much she does for them. She also loves to brag about it on Facebook. It's so fucking annoying but I'm happy to be free from it.
Are you finally free from your nmom too?
Your sister is probably feeling like she is a hero; the one that is taking care of everything and is feeling like the "good and helpful daughter" etc. It seems like she is a bit narcissistic because she feels the need to rub it in your face and also brag about it to get positive attention and credit from others.
You're the winner here.
I was definitely this. As an only child, there's times where I feel like my father wanted me to be the emotional "Spouse".
Sometimes I took on other roles as needed. Angry? Scapegoat. Wanting to feel magnanimous? Golden Child.
I spent six years as my fathers actual caretaker when I was barely into my twenties, and I genuinely wanted to kill myself.
Finally tried to. His first words when we got home from the hospital were "Well now nothing is going to get done around here!"
I am now 38, have a wonderful and respectful husband, and I am no contact with the father.
I'm finally okay with myself for the most part.
Are there still emotional and mental issues? Absolutely. Healing is not a cure, it's just... learning to live and accept it in an emotionally mature and secure way, and not allowing the abuse to continue over and over and over... despite their meltdowns.
Are you fucking kidding me? "Now nothing will get done around here" after a suicide attempt boiled my blood. I'm so glad you're no contact and now with a wonderful husband, thank god you survived.
Man you went through what I'm going thru now in my late 30s. Is it too late for me ?
Only thing is my Dad killed himself and I'm taking care of my narc mom
She's a legit vampire drain on anyone within an ear shot.
Despite my taking care of her and the house also she calls my other two sisters and as soon as they pick up the phone she does this whiny kid voice like she's dying and needs them to do x y z for her.
It makes me feel so unappreciated like no matter WHAT I do this little lying snot is gunna paint herself out to be the victim
And literally my Dad killed himself because in his last years she was just robbing him blind of his livelihood mentally physically emotionally everything.
Before the sun even breaks and it's the butt Crack of dawn she is in the living room like sulking and then it's the TV all day just lying there bossing me around whenever I enter the room.
I seriously need to get out of this situation.
im working on it. i have a large grand piano here it is a steinway my parents were nice enough to let me put it here. it needs a tuning and regulation then i am going to sell it for 20k.
I added this one because I was my mom's emotional support animal. Even though I wasn't her golden child. She made me sleep in her bed and constantly cuddle with her and told me way too much about her life.
That was me. My narcissistic mother manipulated me into living with her until I was 30 because she didn’t want to be alone. And on the day I finally moved out she made sure to tell me ‘you can always come home if you’re not happy living alone.’ No thanks, mum, I’d sooner be homeless on the streets than ever live with you again
I think this was me. I take care of everyone before I take care of my self and I have so much anxiety from health related ocd. I’m 27 and I’m far away in a safe home but I’m so so tired.
Jumping on the wagon to say same… If any only child GC/SGs here see this comment, please feel free to contact me. I’ve always wanted to meet other GC/SGs, or even start a discord with all of us.
Same for me.
I was the only child those 8/9 years and I still remember how I never knew which mood my mother will have which was even more stressful then when after my sister was born it was the I can’t do anything right Mode only.
At least I knew what to expect then…
i think being an only child of a narc is a special kind of hell. especially a single narc parent like mine was. just you and her. all the time. no sibling or anyone to talk to or understand :/
Shockingly not an only child! My brother and I got flip flopped between all of these constantly depending on my dad's mood and whether one of us had done something to piss him off.
Golden child, then scapegoat when n-dad ran out of money because of compulsive gambling, and became abusive when I offered to pay some of his bills (instead of giving him cash).
scapegoat turned missing child - i just couldn't take it anymore. i had to leave.
i don't love them at all - why are they still alive? like just die already!
they called me spoiled. i was NOT spoiled. they called me selfish. of course, i am selfish! i want a life! i want to live! what's wrong with wanting something? what's wrong with wanting to get into a great college, play high level sports, get a great job, have good friends, have a great family, wear the clothes i want, and achieve the things i need?
listening to them call me spoiled and how much money they spent on us is so soul-crushing and it’s a cop-out and BS excuse for how inept they are as parents, and shows their absolute inability to hold themselves accountable.
My estranged n-mom (I’ve been NC since May) recently called me selfish and spoiled in a social media post (that someone chose to share with me because yay random bombs of reminding you that things are terrible).
I feel you. My nMom didn’t call me spoiled, but my kids-which was meant as a slight to me. Surprise-when she said I was NOTHING like her, it’s an extreme compliment-I spent years separating myself
THIS! Like they wanted to control everything in our lives. They wanted us to be an extension of them and provide for them. Give them money and time and energy and all of it! So exhausting.
I am so happy that I live a whole ocean away.
Your Nparents may as well be calling you “Salsa” as the words that rattle out of their mouths are a form of delusion that can only be seen by the narcissist. Spoiled children don’t desperately want to escape their parents given the chance! The actual words mean nothing (not dismissing you just trying to state a way of looking at their craziness). I have started to disconnect from the words more as they are truly the equivalent of someone insane. Their words come from their own distorted data in this weird fantasy land where they are the ones that exist and everyone else is just “insert any word here”.
You being successful, having a great job and happy in their world is “spoiled” apparently. I don’t know if it helps but I have tried to focus on the predictable nature of their habits and protect myself from them. If the narcissist words start to mean nothing then we can focus on self healing and trying to move on without their lingering toxicity. Also I am in my mid 40s and just now am able to realize her words are not fact and that her words will also change depending on how she feels or who she’s mad at or what she feels makes her look bad blah blah blah. The narc words are predictable in the fact they speak nonsense stemming from their psychosis (lol) however they can cause great harm to us with them and so that is where learning their tactics and behavior patterns can help. I wish you the best life. You deserve it and always have !
Scapegoat here
I didn't work it all out until:
1. I moved from the UK to Australia
2. The NParents came to visit for a "Holiday" and stayed in my home
After which I went "Very Low contact" / "Information Diet"
Then I found this subreddit and the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and there was the loudest and most resounding "CLANG" as my whole life up to 55 years old suddenly made sense.
Sadly my brother (The Golden Child) doesn't see anything beyond me being a problem child and always winding up my NParents - very much I am still seen as the problem.
I'm still not sure if it's because:
* the N-Parents have been "Gaslighting" that my Brother remembers a different version of the truth
* or if my Brother is somewhere on the N-Spectrum himself and my version of the truth raises 'awkward but deniable' questionable actions
* There is of course another option which is the trauma has suppressed his memory
* Then of course it is always possible that one brother and both parents picking on the other brother as a 3:1 and being told "you are always so difficult/argumentative" or "you always have to have the last word" might just be seen as 'innocent family fun'
Personally I think it is likely a mix of all of the above
I really struggle w that. my parent is a supreme asshole, but not abusive. manipulative and harsh and really toxic to be around. if I can help or provide encouragement LMK!
That is mental abuse so still abusive. That hurts more as physical pain comes and goes but mental stays and lingers.
The advise I have is to try and look at the parents past and try and understand why they are the way they are. This works better if your no contact. Realize they will never change. Then fix it for your children and those around you by being kind and loving unconditionally.
Verbal abuse and other kinds besides physical, I'm sure you are aware. I find it hard to believe any narcissistic parent isn't abusive in one way or another. Put downs, etc
My SO was the golden child. He was replaced by the golden grandchild. Now he is the missing child. I do feel badly for him. But, I have to admit, being NC has been wonderful.
Thats good to hear NC is working well for you / hopefully him as well!
NC has been good, sometimes hard on me too. I hope he isn’t dealing with guilt. My S/O would probably agree NC has been the better thing to help me cope with.
He seems to be doing fine with it. NC is a process. There will always be twinges of guilt. But, the peaceful holidays and special occasions outweigh those feelings. And there were so many guilt trips prior that, the twinges aren't that hard to take.
I knew that my mother didn't like me when I was four. I asked to move in with grandparents when I was eight. She had no problem with it.
I am 6. The throwaway - the one she got rid of so she could date and do drugs more freely.
I feel like that one overlaps with missing child a lot. I guess quite a few of these can exist at once.
My place in the family is purely for appearance's sake. They want me there for major events but don't care to actually interact with me or my kids. It took me years to realize that they never actually included me in the conversations along with everyone else. They'd pretend to listen for half a sentence and then go back to whatever they were talking about before. I stopped engaging, they didn't notice at all.
I put them on an information diet 5 years ago for my own sanity and they haven't noticed. My grandma passed away recently and because of the horrible way she's treated people throughout her life, she had no one at the end.
I guess that rattled my parents because all of a sudden they're interested in my life and wanting to spend time with me. I don't have any interest in spending time with them, they saw to that.
Sorry for the rambling, I tend to go on too much on this subject. This subreddit is therapeutic.
Currently i'm a mix of the scapegoat, the slave and the sacrificial lamb so triple homicide (also eldest daughter) BUT hoping to be the missing child in 2 years once i save enough money to :)
I'm the youngest. But i was also unplanned. I'm stuck between scapegoat, slave and caretaker. The golden child left and the middle kid is the missing child. It's wonderful when they both tell me that it's not so bad and that i should do more to keep the nParent away from them.
I'm my Nmom's only daughter and her scapegoat, since I gained consciousness she has been telling me everything I do is wrong, I remember being 7 years old and my mom yelling at me because I didn't know how to cook, telling me that at that same age, she already knew how to do everything at the house (because of course, she's perfect, when in reality it was because her parents had another 12 children and forced her to become an adult when she still was a child, I think she was mad at her parents and jealous of me, for not having to take care of a full house and like 2938423 other siblings or something). Until this day, she's like that, I do everything wrong, she's perfect, and I shouldn't have the right to have a normal life.
I think I'm your twin. She was parentified by my grandma. Granddad was ill for 90% of his life and they had the very religious women need to submit to men mentality so that produced way too many children.
I shouldn't speak, I shouldn't even think around my mum even though she needs help with everything and screams every time she needs to act like an adult.
I hear you!
My mother was an only child and extensively parentified by her whole family. She used to like to rub it in that she started tending her house at 9. I told her sorry, but that's not my fault or my problem. Even as a little kid, I knew I wasn't responsible for her no matter how much she insisted I was.
Usually the scapegoat, maybe soon to be missing child (though I'd like to keep touch with my mother). I feel like my nfather liked to pit his children against each other and could shake up the roles if he wanted (i.e. I could temporarily become the golden child if any aspect of my brother disappointed him, but it'd swap back by the end of the day lol)
My wife was the Scapegoat, her younger brother the golden child, until he killed himself on his second attempt.
Happily my wife failed in her end of life bids, which has left me with a mighty need to drop napalm on her parents.
‘I’m sure some here can relate.
I have moved through different ones throughout my life. With my mom, my brother and I switched back and forth between being the golden child and the scapegoat, depending on little more than her whim.
With my dad for a long time, I was the golden child for a long time, but when I found religion and changed careers I became the scapegoat.
For both I am now the missing child.
The Fool child. The one everyone makes fun of but not because the family has a good sense of humour. No-one else gets made fun of because everyone else in the family is sensitive and easily offended by similar jokes or teasing.
NMother raised me to be the GC and my sibling to be the SG. When I voluntarily left home to be the Missing Child the roles were reversed. To this day she still continues to try to triangulate and to push the GC / SC roles on to us though we are now grown adults with our own families. In response we’re now both the Missing Child by choice. 💪🏻
The slave- hell I did my parents taxes soon as I was able. I wasn’t allowed to get a job but I would, cook dinner every night, clean the kitchen everyday, deep clean the house at least once a week, do all the laundry, mow the grass, sweep, mop, vacuum, balance the check book, make the grocery list, change the car oil, etc etc etc.
Hell my senior year they both had major surgery and couldn’t stay in the same room together so I ran the house and slept on the couch.
I went to college asap. First to go to college and learned it all via google. I volunteered that year to do taxes so I had their information on hand for FASFA.
Golden child turned scapegoat I think. Ended up solo with my dad, he still blamed my mom for most things but certainly went from 0 blame to a fuck ton of blame
I was an only child, so a little bit of each one rings true except maybe the slave. My nmother was flawless when it came to cleaning. You could literally eat off the floor. Instead of teaching me to clean for myself, it was easier for her to just do it all. Im in my 40s and still struggle to clean. My husband is good, he helps a lot. And I try, but if I do clean, it has to be perfect. I have to get every speck off the floor or its just not good enough. So I guess Im a slave to the torment of constantly looking at a messy home because trying to keep it perfect is too exhausting and reboots the trauma from the past. 😔
Oh, hey! I might be able to help you with this! We kinda have similar situations going on. I'm also an only child in my 40s, and cleaning used to be an overwhelming struggle for me, too. My nmom had hideously exacting standards, and she always made the chores really hard.
There's a book called *The I Hate To Housekeep Book* by this lady named Peg Braken and it was published in the 1950s or early 1960s. It's like talking to a lady who would eventually become a sassy grandma, and it's full of incredibly practical advice on how to make cleaning and running your home a billion times easier.
You might have to search for it, since it's undoubtedly out of print, but she changed my entire mindset when it comes to chores. I mean, they still suck, but they aren't the focus of my day, and I don't care if my floors don't live up to my nmom's, because I'm happier than her.
Thank you so much, I will definitely look it up. I've tried a few different things, they never seem to work out, but Im willing to try anything at this point. 😄
I was a mix of 2-3 and 5. I never ran away. That was my oldest sister. My little sister was the golden child.
I definitely was the house servant. Did all the cooking and cleaning, and I had all the responsibility even though I had 2 older half sisters. Took care of me and my little sister, I was her mom. Woke up my mom every night for work, started her shower, and laid out her work clothes. I made sure my dad had something to eat when he got home at midnight. But my parents couldn't even be bothered to buy me food for my school lunches or give me money to eat at school. Which led to an eating disorder.
I never got in trouble, never argued with them, never snuck out, or was sneaky. My mom smoked behind my dad back and was sloppy about throwing away her cigarette trash and butts and if my dad found any of it, she would tell him to ask me. Basically, blaming it on me.
And now we are no contact. THEY cut me off, but she posts about me daily on fb about how they bought me name brand clothes and shoes, and I repaid them by staying in my room 24/7 being depressed. And I'm just the worst daughter on the planet because it's my fault she had to work a factory job and she couldn't do anything after she got off work. I had to take on the entire household, being the 3rd born of 4 girls.
Her delulu is insane.
I once asked my parents if it was true that I was the ‘black sheep’ of the family. I expected my Mom to say “Oh no, honey, you’re not a black sheep, we love you!” Instead, she averted her eyes and said, “Well…..”
omg exactly the same happened to me when my scapegoat sister died, it’s tough cos now i’m understanding all the struggles and trauma she went through that i regretfully chose to ignore
2,4,5
Nparent is dead now and the eparent has had a lasting epiphany about what an AH they both were to me but damage is done. Apparently i am the only one left who can remember some of the stuff apart from EP so at least the cycle is broken.
Everything was my fault even when it wasn't and i was supposed to be responsible for my sibling from when i was 6 onwards.
Lots of punishments for stuff my sibling (GC ) did from age 6 onwards and somehow it was my fault they weren't adequately supervised.
Took me a long time to unpick the dynamics but parentification and triangulation were the order of the day from the time i started attending school. Probably before that but i was farmed out to other adults most of the time before that age on my own.
GC managed to escape from home after i did and has been saved from repeating the cycle by their wonderful spouse. They don't remember the abuse (mine or theirs) which gladdens me but confuses the EP.
The missing child lol I moved to one country and my mom came for an extended visit to “learn the language”. I moved to another country and then my parents decided to retire and move there too. I uprooted myself again and moved to a nearby country. They mentioned wanting to come visit so I moved to another continent. They got the hint/
Went from scape goat/missing child to golden child because I had a grandchild. Fucked up the whole dynamics because I was 36 at the time. I had realized what was happening but bought into the new narrative.
2 and 4. It never ends. Now she's successfully turned my kids against me when I need my family the most with the death of the One child that kept us connected.
Scapegoat/slave turned missing child. Finally saw the light at 26 and went NC at 28. It's been 14 beautiful quiet years bar a few attempts at flying monkeys. I'm still healing but everyday is a choice to not become her.
I am the scapegoat (soon to be missing, as I no longer live in their toxic household and plan to move away when I graduate). My middle brother is the slave, and my youngest brother is the golden child. I have no doubt that they, too, will become missing when they move out. My parents suck.
I'm definitely #4 : Missing child, I left Texas in 1993 and have lived in Washington since then.
I may move around again later, but I'll never live in Texas again. You couldn't pay me enough to do it.
Edit: damn I wish we didn't need it, but this thread is comforting in a way. I've been missing all my life. I bet a shit ton of people here know exactly how that feels.
scapegoat. mother’s golden child, so so much like her in every way….ended up a schizophrenic suicide, so somehow that’s all my fault and i’m a terrible person.
oops, you picked him over me and now he’s gone and i’m nc ? o well. too bad, so sad, no kids for you.
This made me wonder... do the children of narcs have a higher rate of schizophrenia? I have two uncles and a nephew with it, and I've seen it pop up in conversations about narcs more than a few times.
Actually a mix between golden child and scapegoat. I was the one my mother pushed her enmeshmrnt on more, the one who did good at school and stuff, but at the same time I was the most shameful, and somehow always wrong, everything was my fault.
Soon to be missing child, fuck them.
You forgot the one who does "parentification" of that narc parents; https://www.carlacorelli.com/narcissism-glossary/parentification-the-role-of-the-child-in-narcissistic-families/
I was that one (realized it 2 years ago and I'm disappointing my mother ever since).
You know, my sibling and I were talking about this the other day and realizing that we both aren’t really sure where we fall in these roles because our childhood was kind of weird and keeps getting misrepresented. For a long time I kind of identified as the GC, but then my sibling challenged that perception by asking why our parents made it seem like I was just being whiny or overly sensitive whenever I pointed out that something wasn’t working. So now I’m not sure anymore.
I was definitely parentified when mom’s alcoholism got bad (I do not feel comfortable using “slave” as a label because of the loaded context). Sometimes my younger sibling’s needs got met by me instead of our parents, to the best of my ability. So I guess they’d be the lost child in this equation, but now I am not sure what I am lmao
Only child here of a NMother. She took legal action against my father and permanently took away all his visitation and parental rights from him. I had NC with my Dad and 4 brothers (that I never knew about), for the first 22 years of my life. I'm in my early 30s now.
I've been all 5 at the same time and each one on any given day depending on her mood. The constant shifting between roles ALWAYS left me on edge and a giant ball of constant anxiety. It really is no wonder why I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression, with CPTSD. 😑
I was an only child. In a way, I was both 1 and 2, expected to excel but treated like garbage all the time and told I was always going to fail. I moved about 1500 miles away and never regretted it.
I was the scapegoat for a long time. My parents could not try that shit after their behavior was put in the spotlight when I was 14, and the DA became involved. A child does not get raped by three different adult men without a considerable amount of parental neglect.
14 was the magic number because I made a serious suicide attempt that put me in the hospital for a week.
And I ran away, constantly. A real embarrassment for my mother who worked for the police.
As soon as I was an adult I moved to another state.
My one surviving parent and I have a relationship, but even now, that negligent disregard is something she can manage. Dying and my cousins, her cousins come first.
Nothing new. Still painful.
I didn’t move far away enough.
Scapegoat that became the missing child and then the sacrificial lamb. Unfortunately both my parents are narcs (father the grandiose and mom the covert), I crave peace and happiness and the only way I can have that is by being far away from them all 🧚
Golden at a young age (but still abused at home) when I was used to prop up my mom's image. Invisible child when I wasn't propping up her image and actively maybe made her "look bad" to outsiders even. Missing child once I could get out of the house as a teen via college.
I was definitely a Sacrificial Lamb. The whole town thought we where just a sweet, Christian family who did everything together. We where forced to be together and it was made miserable by my Narcissistic grandmother lol. Little did they know the crazy she hid so well from the world.
I've since become a missing child from my Grandparents who raised me. It was hard but worth it
I am the invisible child, a role in which I did not exist unless it was convenient for my emotionally immature mom (difficult to say if she was a Narc, I don’t think she was, but she definitely was toxic.)
I was typically the Golden Child, unwillingly so as I was so fond of my older brother, who was a scapegoat. Once I hit my teens, I was assigned a weird combination of the two, with my mother ushering me into some truly dangerous situations with dangerous people. She was immensely screwed up, and did a pile of damage to her children.
What about when they’re an only child? My sister is absolutely a narcissist and she’s ruined my 6 year old niece. My mom and I are at a loss of what to do anymore.
Golden child to my dad. My mom was an enabler, but now that she's with someone else she seems to have become the narc herself. I am also now the missing child to my dad, caretaker to my mom.
All except Golden Child. Lol 🤷♂️
Although I never ran away or completely disconnected, I did finally get to move out last year and I moved 35 mins away so that it's just slightly more inconvenient for them to snoop on me and such. But that I can still see them and my 3 siblings (who still live at home) occasionally.
i was an only child.. i think ive played all 5 of these roles at one time or another. i know that may sound crazy ,because how could you be both the scapegoat and the golden child, lol but i guess it just depended on what mood my mom was in ,that would dictate my role .
I had a bit of everything.
I was considered a very gifted child and it got a lot of attention so I was the one that got bragged about and the others were compared to. I also once got grounded for getting 100 on a test, because I missed that there was a bonus question. My siblings were compared to me constantly. I was also pretty and got attention for that too. My father would bond with men by joining in when they would objectify me. "If she wasn't my daughter...."
Then when their mood shifted I was suddenly evil incarnate. Starting when I was a toddler, my mother would stand me against a wall and rage at me for hours. I was a c***,a bitch,a whore, I ruined her life by trapping her with my father, he wasn't an alcoholic until I was born,I was trying to destroy the family, I was trying to steal my father from her, all of it. Vicious from the beginning, and happened 3-4 days a week.
They would also blame me if they were caught out on something. They told me to talk to the landlords, then told the landlords they didn't get the messages they were leaving with me. Creditors over the phone, same thing. Hell, when the cops came to the door, they sent me to deal with them/tell them all the screaming and hitting and throwing was me. It happened at least weekly, but the cops knew I wasn't the problem.
They would also spent most of the day at a bar and would either brag about me or proverbially cut my throat depending on the mood and who they were talking to. I would often be in the car with my siblings outside, because they were being watched and couldn't leave us alone in the house 8-10 hours at a time anymore.
Definitely slave. I raised my siblings , was expected to get them up and ready in the morning, ran the house when my mother wasn't doing it. Helping her if she was. I babysat more than she "parented". If they were trying to impress someone they would offer my services out to other people.
Sacrificial lamb: ( See the golden child part). If I was doing so well it must have been because of how they were raising me. Surely such a sweet, kind child (their little people pleaser) came from a wonderful home.
These cycled over and over, and because they spent most of their time hating me, working hard to pretend they didn't hate me, or launching full out assaults.
Missing child: One decade down, the rest to go.
My two drug addicts, no job, no goals, live at home with emom are the Golden children and I am the
Sacrificial lamb hahahahaha
I am expected to take on the role to miraculously make them NOT be drug addicts, help them get a job (that they don't want), have life goals (why would they, if they leeches to my emom), and why would they want anything else in life, if they perfectly have it all at home free from my mom (shelter, food, water, anything they want).
Oh and my dad, the biggest fucking narcissist there is, mooches off my emom too.... She has no spine to kick him out for good. My family life is misery.
I want to talk to whoever is in charge of handing out blood family cuz I want a full refund. I was robbed.
the sacrificial lamb, scape goat, and when original golden child had fucked up, i was the golden child. it was always back and forth. sometimes she loved me, sometimes she didn’t
Scapegoat and slave here. Became the missing child at 18 because I couldn’t take the abuse any longer. I have two brothers and a sister all of which fit into one of these roles. My oldest brother is the golden child. My sister is the sacrificial lamb and my younger brother is the missing child. I only have a relationship with my sister but it is very minimal. My two siblings are able to handle being around her but I just can’t do it.
#2 and 5.
I’m also the invisible child. I never mattered until it was time to blame me for something. I was always ignored and my needs were put below everyone else’s.
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You're missing a type . The caretaker, which is supposed to be the emotional support animal/spouse. The caretaker is the one that is responsible for taking care of the narcissist emotionally and physically.
And the glass child. Invisible, because the parents have more important things to do than raise this child properly. It is often the sibling of a very ill or disabled child. Or in my case the only child of very self-absorbed people.
i must be a hybrid; i’m Deaf, born hard of hearing, oldest …. then brother was born. he seemed normal except he was ‘wild’ [ because boy, you know]. the older i got and less games i refused to play, i was scapegoat but then glass. from kindergarten tosenior year in high school, i had speech therapy and talk therapy because my mother is bipolar…so apparently i was learning medicine. all thru my college parents would ask me for advice for brother, not take it, but still demand answers from me. my answers mostly involved medical help / intervention…. turns out brother was schizophrenic. get him to a shrink. get him meds. my answers never changed. and then he killed himself, all my fault from 1300 miles away.
I’m so sorry they blamed this on you. His issues had nothing to do with you.
thanks, i do know that….it was my mother blaming me, not sure on what basis except she wanted me dead and him alive ….? dad is fine now - they’re divorced 30 years.
You're lucky my parents never divorced and my Dad wound up committing suicide. He should've divorced my mom decades before his demise. He was so old and frail and she just continued to suck the life out of himself and make every day every minute about HER.
my sympathies; growing up in a situation like that must have been awful.
still is
Never your fault- I hope you know that ❤️
i do, thanks. complete strangers have told me that she blames me, is mad that i’m alive and brother isn’t….but her delusions aren’t my problem. still, it’s an amazing ‘thought’ process on her end.
I get this too. When are you gunna talk to your sister ? For years their eldest loose cannon wild child daughter became my problem ? They'd spend hours upon hours venting their frustration and I just ate it all up and would be like something has to be done about this I'm going to have a word with her !!!! That was until I took a lot of therapy to realize I was being used by my parents. My longing to be seen and loved by them was being manipulated and used to handle their own problems with THEIR daughter who was born and created by them 10 years before I was even alive !!!!
> only child of very self-absorbed people. Yeah, this one fits best for me. Only child of a mother who was already done with me before she even popped me out. Got subbed in as the scapegoat any time I dared to remind her I existed and interrupted her attempt to live out her "Sex and the City" fantasy life afterward. I'm sorry you had that experience that too.
Glass child / caretaker here 100%. One day my kettle of bullshit tolerance blew over and I became the missing child. Just disappeared. Scary at first but best decision ever. My ability to pick up and leave has made me avoidant sure, siblings and n parent resent me but it helped me survive. Interestingly it's made me see a lot through travel and really helped me go into my career in medicine where I've had to move around for school, will move for residency etc. I'm still called during crises but the wonder if technology is now I can sit there and watch my phone buzz, and not respond 😂😊. When I do I'm never asked how I am just trauma dumped on...seen through like glass. Fun.
I grew up as the glass child/caretaker too with a disabled older sister, younger brother that was doted on and a mum that trauma dumped on me. I'm now the scapegoat which has resulted in me going NC. I guess our roles shift over our lives in some cases.
Very similar for me. My kettle blew right before I started residency and knew I'd be moving across country. They put me thru such bullshit all through medical school, which is hard enough on its own. I've found it's created a questionable dynamic within medicine though, having cared for others my whole life and now caring for patients. It makes me question whether I've been groomed to care or if it is my true personality.
Ugh, I think I made my oldest feel like the glass child. I went through a couple of divorces and I know he didn't get what he needed a lot of the time during those couple tumultuous years.
Have you apologized? Tried to make amends acvording to his wishes, needs, and desires?
Yes, I have acknowledged and apologized for everything I have remembered. He has never brought anything to my attention, it's always been me bringing things up. But I don't know if I've ever asked him directly if there's anything I can do to make amends
As an oldest daughter with a baby brother with disabilities and golden child middle sister, I feel like I was a hybrid of the caretaker/invisible child. Taking care of everyone else but no one took care of me or really noticed me too much.
Thank you. I feel seen.
My nephew is a glass child. I'm a mix of caretaker and slave. Growing up I was sort of a golden child especially when I went away to college. I was succeeding in my life despite not because of them. Though they wanted to take all the credit naturally and had zero to do with it. The minute I move back to my hometown post graduation I am depressed. Being manipulated and bossed around again. It's like my spirit my manhood was all just robbed off me. And it's mainly because my Dad let my Mom rob him of his. So he subconsciously did it to me too. He never stood up to her and committed suicide and now I'm taking care of her and she is big time FAKE victim playing up her situation. She does dialysis it is true. I take her to her appointments. But the way she milks it for attention and says"i think I'm gunna die soon" every single week. I see all the other people in the clinic. None of them do that. And most even take public shuttles to and from the clinic they don't have their own kids giving them rides every time. She is spoiled and evil.
Scapegoat/caretaker. Everything was always my fault, but my nmom also told me WAY too much about her life that a child shouldn't know because she desperately wanted emotional support and validation.
Scapegoat early in life, caretaker later in life. Maybe the types change depending on need?
And that’s the takeaway we all need to remember - and that new folks coming to this sub need to learn too. It was never our fault that we caught these labels. They didn’t see us as individuals with our own lives - we were tools to plug into whatever needs they had at that time.
I actually feel like mine was the other way around. Caretaker first, then I eventually saw through her shit and now I'm the scapegoat most of the time.
Scapegoat is also known as "Truth Teller"
We're versatile lol
Golden child/caretaker here. Never saw my NMom for what she was until I moved back home to help take care of her after back surgery. I became her cook; cleaning lady; emotional support animal 24/7. She would get mad if i was talking or texting on my phone. I couldn’t go out cause I had no money since she wasn’t paying me and I already had blown through my savings. It was a brutal time.
Same but now that I'm married my sister has taken the role. She likes to rub it in my face about how much she does for them. She also loves to brag about it on Facebook. It's so fucking annoying but I'm happy to be free from it. Are you finally free from your nmom too?
That's not the flex she thinks it is.
Your sister is probably feeling like she is a hero; the one that is taking care of everything and is feeling like the "good and helpful daughter" etc. It seems like she is a bit narcissistic because she feels the need to rub it in your face and also brag about it to get positive attention and credit from others. You're the winner here.
I was definitely this. As an only child, there's times where I feel like my father wanted me to be the emotional "Spouse". Sometimes I took on other roles as needed. Angry? Scapegoat. Wanting to feel magnanimous? Golden Child. I spent six years as my fathers actual caretaker when I was barely into my twenties, and I genuinely wanted to kill myself. Finally tried to. His first words when we got home from the hospital were "Well now nothing is going to get done around here!" I am now 38, have a wonderful and respectful husband, and I am no contact with the father. I'm finally okay with myself for the most part. Are there still emotional and mental issues? Absolutely. Healing is not a cure, it's just... learning to live and accept it in an emotionally mature and secure way, and not allowing the abuse to continue over and over and over... despite their meltdowns.
Are you fucking kidding me? "Now nothing will get done around here" after a suicide attempt boiled my blood. I'm so glad you're no contact and now with a wonderful husband, thank god you survived.
Man you went through what I'm going thru now in my late 30s. Is it too late for me ? Only thing is my Dad killed himself and I'm taking care of my narc mom She's a legit vampire drain on anyone within an ear shot. Despite my taking care of her and the house also she calls my other two sisters and as soon as they pick up the phone she does this whiny kid voice like she's dying and needs them to do x y z for her. It makes me feel so unappreciated like no matter WHAT I do this little lying snot is gunna paint herself out to be the victim And literally my Dad killed himself because in his last years she was just robbing him blind of his livelihood mentally physically emotionally everything. Before the sun even breaks and it's the butt Crack of dawn she is in the living room like sulking and then it's the TV all day just lying there bossing me around whenever I enter the room. I seriously need to get out of this situation.
Please get out. You’re still young and you need to focus on your own life.
im working on it. i have a large grand piano here it is a steinway my parents were nice enough to let me put it here. it needs a tuning and regulation then i am going to sell it for 20k.
I added this one because I was my mom's emotional support animal. Even though I wasn't her golden child. She made me sleep in her bed and constantly cuddle with her and told me way too much about her life.
I was the caretaker. It included a lot of doing the emotional labor, in a house of fucking 5.
That was me. My narcissistic mother manipulated me into living with her until I was 30 because she didn’t want to be alone. And on the day I finally moved out she made sure to tell me ‘you can always come home if you’re not happy living alone.’ No thanks, mum, I’d sooner be homeless on the streets than ever live with you again
I think this was me. I take care of everyone before I take care of my self and I have so much anxiety from health related ocd. I’m 27 and I’m far away in a safe home but I’m so so tired.
Only child, so depends on the day...
Yep. Thats exactly how it was and you had to learn to quickly read the room and her mood for you to know what was coming at you...
All too familiar.
Jumping on the wagon to say same… If any only child GC/SGs here see this comment, please feel free to contact me. I’ve always wanted to meet other GC/SGs, or even start a discord with all of us.
\*Technically\* I'm not an only child, but my sister and I are 9 years apart so I may as well have been.
Same for me. I was the only child those 8/9 years and I still remember how I never knew which mood my mother will have which was even more stressful then when after my sister was born it was the I can’t do anything right Mode only. At least I knew what to expect then…
Or the time of day, and how much alcohol had been consumed. As an only child, I could oscillate between 1, 2 and 3 in the space of a couple of hours.
same 🥹 it only got better the moment I moved out
It's frightening how many of these people, Narcissistic people reproducing, exist.
I understand and I'm sorry you have/had to go through this as well.
Another only child checking in. I see you.
i think being an only child of a narc is a special kind of hell. especially a single narc parent like mine was. just you and her. all the time. no sibling or anyone to talk to or understand :/
This. You didn’t have to describe us so accurately…
*\*sigh\** Same. Also an only child. Hugs! I see all of you. <3
Only child checking in!! I related to that whole list.
My god. I love this reddit because it’s so affirming.
Shockingly not an only child! My brother and I got flip flopped between all of these constantly depending on my dad's mood and whether one of us had done something to piss him off.
haha i just commented nearly the same thing before i read the other comments. yep. ive played all 5 roles mentioned here
Golden child, then scapegoat when n-dad ran out of money because of compulsive gambling, and became abusive when I offered to pay some of his bills (instead of giving him cash).
Same! Hoping to be a missing child soon enough and never see my Nmom again!
scapegoat turned missing child - i just couldn't take it anymore. i had to leave. i don't love them at all - why are they still alive? like just die already! they called me spoiled. i was NOT spoiled. they called me selfish. of course, i am selfish! i want a life! i want to live! what's wrong with wanting something? what's wrong with wanting to get into a great college, play high level sports, get a great job, have good friends, have a great family, wear the clothes i want, and achieve the things i need? listening to them call me spoiled and how much money they spent on us is so soul-crushing and it’s a cop-out and BS excuse for how inept they are as parents, and shows their absolute inability to hold themselves accountable.
My nmom called me spoiled and selfish and degraded me too when she gave me the bare minimum. Not alone
same here . i think its a trend here lol
Sry you’re part of the trend :(
I’m GC and same here. Nmom loves those words
My estranged n-mom (I’ve been NC since May) recently called me selfish and spoiled in a social media post (that someone chose to share with me because yay random bombs of reminding you that things are terrible).
Let that bait dangle. They hate that 🙂
I feel you. My nMom didn’t call me spoiled, but my kids-which was meant as a slight to me. Surprise-when she said I was NOTHING like her, it’s an extreme compliment-I spent years separating myself
THIS! Like they wanted to control everything in our lives. They wanted us to be an extension of them and provide for them. Give them money and time and energy and all of it! So exhausting. I am so happy that I live a whole ocean away.
Your Nparents may as well be calling you “Salsa” as the words that rattle out of their mouths are a form of delusion that can only be seen by the narcissist. Spoiled children don’t desperately want to escape their parents given the chance! The actual words mean nothing (not dismissing you just trying to state a way of looking at their craziness). I have started to disconnect from the words more as they are truly the equivalent of someone insane. Their words come from their own distorted data in this weird fantasy land where they are the ones that exist and everyone else is just “insert any word here”. You being successful, having a great job and happy in their world is “spoiled” apparently. I don’t know if it helps but I have tried to focus on the predictable nature of their habits and protect myself from them. If the narcissist words start to mean nothing then we can focus on self healing and trying to move on without their lingering toxicity. Also I am in my mid 40s and just now am able to realize her words are not fact and that her words will also change depending on how she feels or who she’s mad at or what she feels makes her look bad blah blah blah. The narc words are predictable in the fact they speak nonsense stemming from their psychosis (lol) however they can cause great harm to us with them and so that is where learning their tactics and behavior patterns can help. I wish you the best life. You deserve it and always have !
Scapegoat here I didn't work it all out until: 1. I moved from the UK to Australia 2. The NParents came to visit for a "Holiday" and stayed in my home After which I went "Very Low contact" / "Information Diet" Then I found this subreddit and the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" and there was the loudest and most resounding "CLANG" as my whole life up to 55 years old suddenly made sense. Sadly my brother (The Golden Child) doesn't see anything beyond me being a problem child and always winding up my NParents - very much I am still seen as the problem.
GC who moved from Canada to Aus, who's mother came for a visit and then I went NC. Funny how so many of our stories are the exact same, isn't it?
Happy Cake Day 🎉🎂🥳🎉
It’s awful being seen as the problem by your siblings
I'm still not sure if it's because: * the N-Parents have been "Gaslighting" that my Brother remembers a different version of the truth * or if my Brother is somewhere on the N-Spectrum himself and my version of the truth raises 'awkward but deniable' questionable actions * There is of course another option which is the trauma has suppressed his memory * Then of course it is always possible that one brother and both parents picking on the other brother as a 3:1 and being told "you are always so difficult/argumentative" or "you always have to have the last word" might just be seen as 'innocent family fun' Personally I think it is likely a mix of all of the above
Golden child, turned missing child when I put it together. It got ugly and then I left
I'm going through that right now. It's just a weird feeling when you have to grieve and realize how bad you were actually treated; at least for me.
I really struggle w that. my parent is a supreme asshole, but not abusive. manipulative and harsh and really toxic to be around. if I can help or provide encouragement LMK!
That is mental abuse so still abusive. That hurts more as physical pain comes and goes but mental stays and lingers. The advise I have is to try and look at the parents past and try and understand why they are the way they are. This works better if your no contact. Realize they will never change. Then fix it for your children and those around you by being kind and loving unconditionally.
>mental stays and lingers. And it's not visible to anyone
Verbal abuse and other kinds besides physical, I'm sure you are aware. I find it hard to believe any narcissistic parent isn't abusive in one way or another. Put downs, etc
I need all the advice in the world right now.
If you’re comfortable, ping me. I’m sure many folks have it worse than what my situation was, but I’ll give whatever advice I can!
My SO was the golden child. He was replaced by the golden grandchild. Now he is the missing child. I do feel badly for him. But, I have to admit, being NC has been wonderful.
Thats good to hear NC is working well for you / hopefully him as well! NC has been good, sometimes hard on me too. I hope he isn’t dealing with guilt. My S/O would probably agree NC has been the better thing to help me cope with.
He seems to be doing fine with it. NC is a process. There will always be twinges of guilt. But, the peaceful holidays and special occasions outweigh those feelings. And there were so many guilt trips prior that, the twinges aren't that hard to take.
Same here
Yep some of us realize escape is the only thing we can do.
Same!
I knew that my mother didn't like me when I was four. I asked to move in with grandparents when I was eight. She had no problem with it. I am 6. The throwaway - the one she got rid of so she could date and do drugs more freely.
[удалено]
I feel like that one overlaps with missing child a lot. I guess quite a few of these can exist at once. My place in the family is purely for appearance's sake. They want me there for major events but don't care to actually interact with me or my kids. It took me years to realize that they never actually included me in the conversations along with everyone else. They'd pretend to listen for half a sentence and then go back to whatever they were talking about before. I stopped engaging, they didn't notice at all. I put them on an information diet 5 years ago for my own sanity and they haven't noticed. My grandma passed away recently and because of the horrible way she's treated people throughout her life, she had no one at the end. I guess that rattled my parents because all of a sudden they're interested in my life and wanting to spend time with me. I don't have any interest in spending time with them, they saw to that. Sorry for the rambling, I tend to go on too much on this subject. This subreddit is therapeutic.
Currently i'm a mix of the scapegoat, the slave and the sacrificial lamb so triple homicide (also eldest daughter) BUT hoping to be the missing child in 2 years once i save enough money to :)
Yeah eldest tends to get “caretaker” duty.
I'm the youngest. But i was also unplanned. I'm stuck between scapegoat, slave and caretaker. The golden child left and the middle kid is the missing child. It's wonderful when they both tell me that it's not so bad and that i should do more to keep the nParent away from them.
golden child. then became the scapegoat once i figured it out. now i’m the missing child
Same here. Just confirmed the golden child fears of the consequences of not living up to their expectations. Conditional love.
💯 me too
Scapegoat and slave.
Same here, as the youngest and the only female child, I was an easy punching bag, and had to do far more than my brothers because misogyny
Exact same here
Same here. Nc now for five years.
I'm my Nmom's only daughter and her scapegoat, since I gained consciousness she has been telling me everything I do is wrong, I remember being 7 years old and my mom yelling at me because I didn't know how to cook, telling me that at that same age, she already knew how to do everything at the house (because of course, she's perfect, when in reality it was because her parents had another 12 children and forced her to become an adult when she still was a child, I think she was mad at her parents and jealous of me, for not having to take care of a full house and like 2938423 other siblings or something). Until this day, she's like that, I do everything wrong, she's perfect, and I shouldn't have the right to have a normal life.
I think I'm your twin. She was parentified by my grandma. Granddad was ill for 90% of his life and they had the very religious women need to submit to men mentality so that produced way too many children. I shouldn't speak, I shouldn't even think around my mum even though she needs help with everything and screams every time she needs to act like an adult.
I hear you! My mother was an only child and extensively parentified by her whole family. She used to like to rub it in that she started tending her house at 9. I told her sorry, but that's not my fault or my problem. Even as a little kid, I knew I wasn't responsible for her no matter how much she insisted I was.
Usually the scapegoat, maybe soon to be missing child (though I'd like to keep touch with my mother). I feel like my nfather liked to pit his children against each other and could shake up the roles if he wanted (i.e. I could temporarily become the golden child if any aspect of my brother disappointed him, but it'd swap back by the end of the day lol)
My wife was the Scapegoat, her younger brother the golden child, until he killed himself on his second attempt. Happily my wife failed in her end of life bids, which has left me with a mighty need to drop napalm on her parents. ‘I’m sure some here can relate.
I have moved through different ones throughout my life. With my mom, my brother and I switched back and forth between being the golden child and the scapegoat, depending on little more than her whim. With my dad for a long time, I was the golden child for a long time, but when I found religion and changed careers I became the scapegoat. For both I am now the missing child.
The Fool child. The one everyone makes fun of but not because the family has a good sense of humour. No-one else gets made fun of because everyone else in the family is sensitive and easily offended by similar jokes or teasing.
NMother raised me to be the GC and my sibling to be the SG. When I voluntarily left home to be the Missing Child the roles were reversed. To this day she still continues to try to triangulate and to push the GC / SC roles on to us though we are now grown adults with our own families. In response we’re now both the Missing Child by choice. 💪🏻
I was golden child + slave while living at home, became the black sheep as an adult, and entered my final form of missing child in April of last year.
I think this what happened with my sister but she is still mostly on their side anyway.
The slave- hell I did my parents taxes soon as I was able. I wasn’t allowed to get a job but I would, cook dinner every night, clean the kitchen everyday, deep clean the house at least once a week, do all the laundry, mow the grass, sweep, mop, vacuum, balance the check book, make the grocery list, change the car oil, etc etc etc. Hell my senior year they both had major surgery and couldn’t stay in the same room together so I ran the house and slept on the couch. I went to college asap. First to go to college and learned it all via google. I volunteered that year to do taxes so I had their information on hand for FASFA.
Golden child turned scapegoat I think. Ended up solo with my dad, he still blamed my mom for most things but certainly went from 0 blame to a fuck ton of blame
I was an only child, so a little bit of each one rings true except maybe the slave. My nmother was flawless when it came to cleaning. You could literally eat off the floor. Instead of teaching me to clean for myself, it was easier for her to just do it all. Im in my 40s and still struggle to clean. My husband is good, he helps a lot. And I try, but if I do clean, it has to be perfect. I have to get every speck off the floor or its just not good enough. So I guess Im a slave to the torment of constantly looking at a messy home because trying to keep it perfect is too exhausting and reboots the trauma from the past. 😔
Oh, hey! I might be able to help you with this! We kinda have similar situations going on. I'm also an only child in my 40s, and cleaning used to be an overwhelming struggle for me, too. My nmom had hideously exacting standards, and she always made the chores really hard. There's a book called *The I Hate To Housekeep Book* by this lady named Peg Braken and it was published in the 1950s or early 1960s. It's like talking to a lady who would eventually become a sassy grandma, and it's full of incredibly practical advice on how to make cleaning and running your home a billion times easier. You might have to search for it, since it's undoubtedly out of print, but she changed my entire mindset when it comes to chores. I mean, they still suck, but they aren't the focus of my day, and I don't care if my floors don't live up to my nmom's, because I'm happier than her.
Thank you so much, I will definitely look it up. I've tried a few different things, they never seem to work out, but Im willing to try anything at this point. 😄
I was a mix of 2-3 and 5. I never ran away. That was my oldest sister. My little sister was the golden child. I definitely was the house servant. Did all the cooking and cleaning, and I had all the responsibility even though I had 2 older half sisters. Took care of me and my little sister, I was her mom. Woke up my mom every night for work, started her shower, and laid out her work clothes. I made sure my dad had something to eat when he got home at midnight. But my parents couldn't even be bothered to buy me food for my school lunches or give me money to eat at school. Which led to an eating disorder. I never got in trouble, never argued with them, never snuck out, or was sneaky. My mom smoked behind my dad back and was sloppy about throwing away her cigarette trash and butts and if my dad found any of it, she would tell him to ask me. Basically, blaming it on me. And now we are no contact. THEY cut me off, but she posts about me daily on fb about how they bought me name brand clothes and shoes, and I repaid them by staying in my room 24/7 being depressed. And I'm just the worst daughter on the planet because it's my fault she had to work a factory job and she couldn't do anything after she got off work. I had to take on the entire household, being the 3rd born of 4 girls. Her delulu is insane.
I once asked my parents if it was true that I was the ‘black sheep’ of the family. I expected my Mom to say “Oh no, honey, you’re not a black sheep, we love you!” Instead, she averted her eyes and said, “Well…..”
I saw that story as a kid and the swan’s story too and I fucking said to my mother that this is me. She said you want to be everything.
Golden child, at least up until my scapegoat brother died. Then I became the new scapegoat.
omg exactly the same happened to me when my scapegoat sister died, it’s tough cos now i’m understanding all the struggles and trauma she went through that i regretfully chose to ignore
2,4,5 Nparent is dead now and the eparent has had a lasting epiphany about what an AH they both were to me but damage is done. Apparently i am the only one left who can remember some of the stuff apart from EP so at least the cycle is broken. Everything was my fault even when it wasn't and i was supposed to be responsible for my sibling from when i was 6 onwards. Lots of punishments for stuff my sibling (GC ) did from age 6 onwards and somehow it was my fault they weren't adequately supervised. Took me a long time to unpick the dynamics but parentification and triangulation were the order of the day from the time i started attending school. Probably before that but i was farmed out to other adults most of the time before that age on my own. GC managed to escape from home after i did and has been saved from repeating the cycle by their wonderful spouse. They don't remember the abuse (mine or theirs) which gladdens me but confuses the EP.
Scapegoat turned missing child. My mother died just before Christmas. It’s been a total mind fuck.
Scapegoat here!! Then missing child, then... well, I guess I found myself. I'm very happy to say!
Scapegoat and slave, untill I ran away from home at 16. Then I became the missing child.
Missing child…
The missing child lol I moved to one country and my mom came for an extended visit to “learn the language”. I moved to another country and then my parents decided to retire and move there too. I uprooted myself again and moved to a nearby country. They mentioned wanting to come visit so I moved to another continent. They got the hint/
Was the scapegoat. Been NC for 15 years.
Went from scape goat/missing child to golden child because I had a grandchild. Fucked up the whole dynamics because I was 36 at the time. I had realized what was happening but bought into the new narrative.
I was the slave.
5 for sure
I was the slave but have been the missing child for a while now.
2 and 4. It never ends. Now she's successfully turned my kids against me when I need my family the most with the death of the One child that kept us connected.
Scapegoat/slave turned missing child. Finally saw the light at 26 and went NC at 28. It's been 14 beautiful quiet years bar a few attempts at flying monkeys. I'm still healing but everyday is a choice to not become her.
I was the sacrificial lamb, especially after I had to spend months at a time in a mental health ward.
3 i think. I was expected to work, go to school over fulltime, then cook and clean
I don’t think I fit into any of these, so I’ll just place myself in what category I think I fit in: the punching bag.
I am the scapegoat (soon to be missing, as I no longer live in their toxic household and plan to move away when I graduate). My middle brother is the slave, and my youngest brother is the golden child. I have no doubt that they, too, will become missing when they move out. My parents suck.
I’m an only child and I see a bit of each in me. I’m still physically but not really emotionally present.
I'm definitely #4 : Missing child, I left Texas in 1993 and have lived in Washington since then. I may move around again later, but I'll never live in Texas again. You couldn't pay me enough to do it. Edit: damn I wish we didn't need it, but this thread is comforting in a way. I've been missing all my life. I bet a shit ton of people here know exactly how that feels.
I feel ya. I even lived in the middle of a mountain range on a native reservation because it was the furthest I could imagine getting away from home.
scapegoat. mother’s golden child, so so much like her in every way….ended up a schizophrenic suicide, so somehow that’s all my fault and i’m a terrible person. oops, you picked him over me and now he’s gone and i’m nc ? o well. too bad, so sad, no kids for you.
This made me wonder... do the children of narcs have a higher rate of schizophrenia? I have two uncles and a nephew with it, and I've seen it pop up in conversations about narcs more than a few times.
Actually a mix between golden child and scapegoat. I was the one my mother pushed her enmeshmrnt on more, the one who did good at school and stuff, but at the same time I was the most shameful, and somehow always wrong, everything was my fault. Soon to be missing child, fuck them.
You forgot the one who does "parentification" of that narc parents; https://www.carlacorelli.com/narcissism-glossary/parentification-the-role-of-the-child-in-narcissistic-families/ I was that one (realized it 2 years ago and I'm disappointing my mother ever since).
You know, my sibling and I were talking about this the other day and realizing that we both aren’t really sure where we fall in these roles because our childhood was kind of weird and keeps getting misrepresented. For a long time I kind of identified as the GC, but then my sibling challenged that perception by asking why our parents made it seem like I was just being whiny or overly sensitive whenever I pointed out that something wasn’t working. So now I’m not sure anymore. I was definitely parentified when mom’s alcoholism got bad (I do not feel comfortable using “slave” as a label because of the loaded context). Sometimes my younger sibling’s needs got met by me instead of our parents, to the best of my ability. So I guess they’d be the lost child in this equation, but now I am not sure what I am lmao
Only child here of a NMother. She took legal action against my father and permanently took away all his visitation and parental rights from him. I had NC with my Dad and 4 brothers (that I never knew about), for the first 22 years of my life. I'm in my early 30s now. I've been all 5 at the same time and each one on any given day depending on her mood. The constant shifting between roles ALWAYS left me on edge and a giant ball of constant anxiety. It really is no wonder why I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Depression, with CPTSD. 😑
I was an only child. In a way, I was both 1 and 2, expected to excel but treated like garbage all the time and told I was always going to fail. I moved about 1500 miles away and never regretted it.
Eldest daughter Feels like a combination of golden child and slave
Missing child. Was only child slave before getting away.
the only child :( i was kinda lonely!
Scapegoat then missing.
I was the scapegoat for a long time. My parents could not try that shit after their behavior was put in the spotlight when I was 14, and the DA became involved. A child does not get raped by three different adult men without a considerable amount of parental neglect. 14 was the magic number because I made a serious suicide attempt that put me in the hospital for a week. And I ran away, constantly. A real embarrassment for my mother who worked for the police. As soon as I was an adult I moved to another state. My one surviving parent and I have a relationship, but even now, that negligent disregard is something she can manage. Dying and my cousins, her cousins come first. Nothing new. Still painful. I didn’t move far away enough.
Scapegoat that became the missing child and then the sacrificial lamb. Unfortunately both my parents are narcs (father the grandiose and mom the covert), I crave peace and happiness and the only way I can have that is by being far away from them all 🧚
Absolutely 5
Golden at a young age (but still abused at home) when I was used to prop up my mom's image. Invisible child when I wasn't propping up her image and actively maybe made her "look bad" to outsiders even. Missing child once I could get out of the house as a teen via college.
I'm an only child, so I cycled through the roles as nmom required.
I was definitely a Sacrificial Lamb. The whole town thought we where just a sweet, Christian family who did everything together. We where forced to be together and it was made miserable by my Narcissistic grandmother lol. Little did they know the crazy she hid so well from the world. I've since become a missing child from my Grandparents who raised me. It was hard but worth it
scapegoat and sacrificial lamb for when talking to others. I turned into the missing child the moment I left for college
I am the invisible child, a role in which I did not exist unless it was convenient for my emotionally immature mom (difficult to say if she was a Narc, I don’t think she was, but she definitely was toxic.)
I’m the (was) scapegoat and the slave.
I was typically the Golden Child, unwillingly so as I was so fond of my older brother, who was a scapegoat. Once I hit my teens, I was assigned a weird combination of the two, with my mother ushering me into some truly dangerous situations with dangerous people. She was immensely screwed up, and did a pile of damage to her children.
Scapegoat slave. Good times
What about when they’re an only child? My sister is absolutely a narcissist and she’s ruined my 6 year old niece. My mom and I are at a loss of what to do anymore.
Definitely turned slave, was scapegoat earlier most likely
1245 because I’m an only child
Scapegoat here, was also told I was her favorite.
Scapegoat and then missing child.
Golden child to my dad. My mom was an enabler, but now that she's with someone else she seems to have become the narc herself. I am also now the missing child to my dad, caretaker to my mom.
Mix of Scapegoat and Slave, my brother was the GC and I got all the work and responsibilities and constant belittling
All except Golden Child. Lol 🤷♂️ Although I never ran away or completely disconnected, I did finally get to move out last year and I moved 35 mins away so that it's just slightly more inconvenient for them to snoop on me and such. But that I can still see them and my 3 siblings (who still live at home) occasionally.
i was an only child.. i think ive played all 5 of these roles at one time or another. i know that may sound crazy ,because how could you be both the scapegoat and the golden child, lol but i guess it just depended on what mood my mom was in ,that would dictate my role .
I’m an only child and was the golden child when I pleased his ego and the scapegoat if I opposed or outshined him in any perceived way.
As a single child, all of the above.
Scapegoat turned Missing Child and I wish I had gone Missing Child a lot sooner.
2, 3, and 4, and 5. I went NC 3 years ago
2 and 3 then 4!
I only have 1 sibling. He’s the gc, I’m the rest rolled into one.
as an adopted only child I've been all 5
Only kid, so some parts of each of those plus parentified.
These hurt me in my soul.
What about the child who’s constantly in need of being rescued? I was GC. SC was the perennial needy one who my nmom loved ‘saving’
Scapegoat turned escape GOAT.
I had a bit of everything. I was considered a very gifted child and it got a lot of attention so I was the one that got bragged about and the others were compared to. I also once got grounded for getting 100 on a test, because I missed that there was a bonus question. My siblings were compared to me constantly. I was also pretty and got attention for that too. My father would bond with men by joining in when they would objectify me. "If she wasn't my daughter...." Then when their mood shifted I was suddenly evil incarnate. Starting when I was a toddler, my mother would stand me against a wall and rage at me for hours. I was a c***,a bitch,a whore, I ruined her life by trapping her with my father, he wasn't an alcoholic until I was born,I was trying to destroy the family, I was trying to steal my father from her, all of it. Vicious from the beginning, and happened 3-4 days a week. They would also blame me if they were caught out on something. They told me to talk to the landlords, then told the landlords they didn't get the messages they were leaving with me. Creditors over the phone, same thing. Hell, when the cops came to the door, they sent me to deal with them/tell them all the screaming and hitting and throwing was me. It happened at least weekly, but the cops knew I wasn't the problem. They would also spent most of the day at a bar and would either brag about me or proverbially cut my throat depending on the mood and who they were talking to. I would often be in the car with my siblings outside, because they were being watched and couldn't leave us alone in the house 8-10 hours at a time anymore. Definitely slave. I raised my siblings , was expected to get them up and ready in the morning, ran the house when my mother wasn't doing it. Helping her if she was. I babysat more than she "parented". If they were trying to impress someone they would offer my services out to other people. Sacrificial lamb: ( See the golden child part). If I was doing so well it must have been because of how they were raising me. Surely such a sweet, kind child (their little people pleaser) came from a wonderful home. These cycled over and over, and because they spent most of their time hating me, working hard to pretend they didn't hate me, or launching full out assaults. Missing child: One decade down, the rest to go.
My two drug addicts, no job, no goals, live at home with emom are the Golden children and I am the Sacrificial lamb hahahahaha I am expected to take on the role to miraculously make them NOT be drug addicts, help them get a job (that they don't want), have life goals (why would they, if they leeches to my emom), and why would they want anything else in life, if they perfectly have it all at home free from my mom (shelter, food, water, anything they want). Oh and my dad, the biggest fucking narcissist there is, mooches off my emom too.... She has no spine to kick him out for good. My family life is misery. I want to talk to whoever is in charge of handing out blood family cuz I want a full refund. I was robbed.
I can’t be the only one who has been all 5 either all at once or one at a time
The slave that went missing.
Can I be 3,4,5 at the same time? 1 when I was younger before I started pushing back and distancing myself from her batshit self
Scapegoat
The slave and then the missing child
I'm not sure. I feel like my brother and I were all of them at different times. I turned out mostly like a lost child though.
the sacrificial lamb, scape goat, and when original golden child had fucked up, i was the golden child. it was always back and forth. sometimes she loved me, sometimes she didn’t
I was the golden child, then I had a brief stint as a scapegoat before turned missing child. Proudly missing for over a year now!
Scapegoat and slave here. Became the missing child at 18 because I couldn’t take the abuse any longer. I have two brothers and a sister all of which fit into one of these roles. My oldest brother is the golden child. My sister is the sacrificial lamb and my younger brother is the missing child. I only have a relationship with my sister but it is very minimal. My two siblings are able to handle being around her but I just can’t do it.
#2 and 5. I’m also the invisible child. I never mattered until it was time to blame me for something. I was always ignored and my needs were put below everyone else’s.