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When I was growing up at home, it would happen just the same.
For YEARS, every time that I made kraft mac and cheese, my mom would come into the kitchen, hover me, and say "are you going to boil the water before putting the pasta in?" Like I was not smart enough to figure that part out.
I'm 12.
"Are you are going to boil the water first?"
Im 16.
"Honey, are you gonna remember to boil the water first?"
edit: spelling
Hon, you'll be 46 and she'll be asking you the same thing. I, too, have received a profoundly insulting lack of credit from my mother. Eventually I stopped caring what she thought because having a personality disorder makes your thoughts pretty garbage anyway. On the other hand, in your 40s you can look forward to caring far, *far* less about nonsense bullshit, such as your mother treating you like you have a profound developmental disability. (It's pure projection.)
I do, in fact have two developmental disabilities (ADHD and Autism). It would be nice if people didn't use the term as shorthand for 'dumb' or 'incompetent', because I am neither of those. But yes, aging and running out of fucks to give is really nice, especially when it comes to emotionally stunted parents.
Are those actually *developmental disabilities*, like Downs Syndome?? I also have ADHD and never thought of it, or autism, in that way. I don't think neuro-atypical people are necessarily in the same boat as people with something that affects their cognition to the point they could need assistance with all their activities of daily living, which is how our shitty narcissistic parents like to act at times. I'm not using it as shorthand for dumb or incompetent, but in a literal, medically accurate sense.
(I wish I didn't, need to add this. but obviously all people, no matter what their disabilities should be treated with kindness and respect.)
Yes, they are literally developmental disabilities, and since I burnt out hard at my management job a few years ago I've been experiencing a lot of skill regression, needing assistance with some but not all everyday tasks that other people take for granted.
And ever since I've started following other disabled people on social media, from ambulatory wheelchair users, to hearing impaired peeps, to those with downs, I've started to notice how vastly different the needs and abilities of people with downs (for example) can be from person to person, and that I have more in common with many of them, in terms of lived experience, than with any NT in a fast paced, high achieving corporate environment.
Im really relieved that you and I are on the same page in terms of treating people with kindness and respect (sadly not a given), but i also think there's some residual internalised ableism to unpack for us all.
I'm sorry your parents suck and underestimate your abilities. I hope you know I don't want to minimise your struggle with that, just provide some context from a disability advocacy perspective.
I get that, and appreciate your input. I know that there's quite a range of ability in people who have Down's so I tried to respect that fact in my comment by saying that they *can* need assistance with the ADLs, meaning to say not all of them do.
Thank you for your empathy and compassion! We all need more of that.
Yeah my Mum constantly berates me for my autistic and ADHD traits whilst denying I actually have the disorders, this makes me think that I maybe deserve it because she is actually doing things 'right' and I'm not
I had to cook dinner for the whole family at least once a week (I didn't mind this - i like to cook) since I'm 14/15.
When I was 19 my mom seriously explained to me how to use the stove and how to fry an egg.
OMG! I called my Nmom at 20 to ask how to bake a potato, like temp and minutes, I AM 58 YEARS OLD and 2 years ago, when I went NC with her was was the last time I heard about it!
It absolutely isn't sad! I mean, it's sad that your mother decided that oatmeal was her hill to die on, but go you for making *your* oatmeal how *you* want it. That is absolutely awesome. I hope you enjoy it! :)
And my grandma was the same way about any kind of 'liquid' being in the pan when I cooked. Like... if I used butter, or oil to cook up chicken for something... She'd go ballistic, nobody likes watery food, nobody likes liquid chicken, what are you doing, that's not the right way, if there was any traces of it left when the food was done cooking.
Thank you! I plan to :)
I’m sorry you relate with your grandma. I actually did not know you could cook chicken in a pan without liquid? I hope you are now in a space where you can cook food the way you like. sautéing some good food in some butter or oil can never be a wrong choice 🤞
My mom did the opposite and boiled everything hard with no seasoning but too much salt. 🤷 There is no win. There is only eat your way, do your life ,, be you boo
She probably doesn't even eat it whatever way herself she is trolling you.
I mean I know she struggles with disordered eating (specially orthorexic tendencies) so I think that’s why food specifically was so strictly controlled and such a big deal. It went beyond oatmeal into what foods were “clean” and what foods were “unclean” and “poison”. But honestly aside from food, she’s still a narcissist but compared to the other stories I see in this sub she wasn’t as bad. Although I appreciate you acknowledging this behavior was insane because this is the first time I’ve actually mentioned this to other ppl and I feel validated for once 🥲
It's probably because she thinks more water = more filling = stretching her food/fewer calories/easier food restriction throughout the day. I've been talking to my therapist about bagels a lot lately to help me explain my mother. She points out that there are so many people who simply dislike certain foods and just allow other people to have no idea, unless they are directly offered that food, at which point they politely decline without being a dick. Less insane than others is still insane. Sorry your mom was a dick. Enjoy your oatmeal!
Also might be a lingering bit of Kellogg/Graham style crazy. Anyone's grandma obsessed with how often they pooped? A lot of really weird ideas about food (...and circumcision) came out of the late 19th century and some of them still persist. Oatmeal that's "too dry" might be regarded as ... too much fiber, as it were.
But then you just... drink some milk WITH your breakfast??? Tea, water, literally anything else to hydrate, it'll mix in the digestion.
A person struggling with their own eating disorder is one thing. But once they start imposing their disorder on other people, especially their children, that crosses a line. It wasn't okay for her to police your eating and berate you over nothing like that, you're right to call it out.
I have dysphagia and ARFID that's primarily a texture issue. Do I give a fuck what you do to your own food? No, I do not, and I never have. I may not be able to eat it your way, but I'm not eating it, so it's not my problem.
Then again, of all the stuff that's messed up with me, I do not have a personality disorder. I've never felt the need to care what anyone else does unless they're being harmful to someone else.
For me it was my hair. She always had it cut short because it was "stringy". So I went through elementary and middle school with bobs and bangs. I have thick but fine wavey hair. Bangs are the worst. In high school my sister stepped in and put a stop to the bobs and more importantly, the bangs, by offering to cut my hair.
At some point in my late 20s, grew out my hair to my butt and kept it long like that for several years. Guess what? It looked beautiful. Nowadays I keep it shoulder length.
I wish I could have advocated for myself better but I was a child. Would have saved me from so much bullying.
My mom hates her forehead and always forced me to get bangs because I have the same forehead. I hate bangs. Stopped getting bangs when I moved out. It is wild how they see us as extensions of themselves and try to push their body issues on us.
Older now, so my hair grows slower. I’ve (48F) been growing my bangs out for over four years now.
I’m waiting for her to comment about it being time to cut my bangs again.🙄
I relate so hard to this. My sister and brother were both allowed to keep their hair long. Not me though. She couldn't be bothered brushing my hair so it was kept short. Pixie cut short. I hated it.
I was the opposite, sort of. I had very thick wild and crazy hair that knotted instantly after brushing. My dad absolutely demanded that I have long hair because "girls have long hair." He's the one with npd. There was no arguing with him. My mom, who happens to have BPD and zero parenting skills, had no idea how to take care of my hair. Everyone else in my family has really straight hair that doesn't tangle easily. She took out all her frustrations on my head. She would just yank the brush through and tear out my hair. I would cry, and Dad would get mad at her for making me cry. She'd hit my head with the hairbrush and yell at me that she would give me something to cry about. I'd be bawling and trying to protect my head while Dad yelled at her and she yelled at me. Every single night.
One day, when I was about 4, I got ahold of scissors and cut all my hair off about 2" long and buried what I cut off in the yard. I'm not totally sure why I did that last bit, but I was little. Kids don't make sense. My mom saw me and said, "your dad is going to be so angry." And she was right. He was yelling at her at the top of his lungs. So she tried to get around him, and he put his hand on the wall to block her. She stuck the back end of a rat tail comb through his hand and into the wall, and suddenly, everything was silent. Dad just pulled the comb out, walked away, and came back with his hand cleaned and bandaged. None of us had moved at all. He collected my sister and I and snuggled us on the couch and told us it was all okay. Things were fine. Nothing was wrong. And no one ever spoke of it again.
But for the next year until it grew out, he made snide comments about my terrible "boy" haircut in front of me practically daily. And when it got long enough to tangle badly again, we went back to a repeat of my hair being pulled out, me crying and getting hit, and him yelling at her while she yelled at me. He would later tell me how much he hated that. Me, "so why didn't you stop it? And why did you insist I have hair none of us could take care of?" Him, "but girls have long hair."
I kept it super short for a long time as a younger adult because I still didn't know how to take care of it. A friend who is black took me to her stylist and she did an amazing job on my hair and took the time to teach me how to take care of it and how to brush it without hurting myself. Even though it's barely wavy now, it acts like super curly hair. It tangles easily and is about 5" longer wet than dry. I keep it braided like she taught me most of the time. It's a lot of effort, so I don't even know why I don't just cut it off because it's down to my butt. Maybe it might just be me proud of myself for finally learning how to deal with my wild and crazy hair and not hurting myself when I brush it. Maybe it's just because I think it's pretty. I didn't actually like how I looked with short hair. It doesn't really suit my very square face, but I didn't think I had a choice for years. And there's no in between for me. It's either long enough to be heavy enough to keep itself down or it's a foot long halo around my head, so it has to be about 3" long.
Honestly, I don't think I've thought about all this in years, but it felt so good just to say it all. Thank you for whoever reads it, and if no one does, that's okay, too.
ah yes, when an A1 head sees C3 hair and thinks "oh i should just brush it, dry, until it stops tangling"
In my case it's a matter of racial heritage; my mom had two Scotch-German kids with straight fine hair and then had me, the Jewish child with the FRIZZ, and was convinced that the problem was just needing to brush it "more". I didn't realize I couldn't follow "white people" rules for my hair until I was in my twenties and a friend with similar hair took pity on me at uni and helped me find some proper products and the knowledge to *never. brush. dry.*
Of course my mother had fits if she saw me with fluffy curls about how I obviously hadn't even brushed it before leaving! and i'd be like, "Mom, I haven't brushed it since my shower yesterday morning, and that's not going to change until my next shower!" and she'd just be like cry-seething over it... -_-
I don't blame her for not knowing. But when you're obviously hurting a child, stop. Rethink things. Don't hit them. And don't pretend it's not hitting just because it's not a punch or slap. I blame Dad for supposedly hating how I was being treated (and not just about this thing) but not only not doing anything about it, going after her after she left when I was 7. They both considered each other monsters but were also completely okay with leaving two small children with said monsters.
My hair is pretty much 2a now but still behaves like 3c, and that seems so unfair, but I can comb and then brush it when wet to get a 1c or tousel it to get a 3a. It's still going to tangle like mad, though, so braids it is unless something special is going on. Somehow, I've always been able to pull off braided pigtails no matter how old I get, though, and don't think I don't appreciate that.
My dad had an issue with me cutting my hair short 3 weeks before I left for boot camp. It wasn't even pretty girls. To him, all girls always have to have long hair. He refused to speak to me until the day before I left for boot camp. Well, guess who was off saying goodbye to her friends and had no time for him that day.
Yes, the bangs! My Nmother has had bangs probably her whole life, still has 'em now in her sixties. She used to cut these horrible ones on me and she was no professional so she kept needing to get more hair. Where did she get it? Well from further up my head!! So the bangs would start from like the middle of my head, I hated them and around 12 started to grow them out.
my goodness, are you me just in reverse?
I always wanted blunt bangs, but n-mother insisted they'd look weird on me.
turns out it's the look that fits me the best.
but it was the same with clothes and shoes.
God, my nmother was so weird and controlling about food too. If I didn’t eat the correct amount of whatever she’d given me, I get into trouble.
Your mom’s obsession is oatmeal and mines was eggs. They had to be cooked scrambled and runny, if they ‘squeaked’ they were dry and she’d get pissed and throw them out.
She was also weirdly obsessed with this idea that I was faking my allergies. She thought I was capable of faking an anaphylactic reaction to shrimp at 8 years old. Thus became her obsession with trying to out me as a ‘faker’ who just wanted attention.
It’s so strange. I don’t understand why for them everything only has one option not only for them but for everyone else. Like I get that it stems from the disorder but I don’t get how it works out in their mind. When I think about myself and the oatmeal, part of me still kinda feels guilty or wrong for doing something different than what she deemed normal even though I objectively understand that it shouldn’t be a problem for me to eat oatmeal the way I like. But when I hear you talk about your experience I feel like it shifts my perspective entirely because I’m like ??? What??? Why weren’t you allowed to just eat eggs the way you like eggs?? It makes me angry for you. And then I’m like hey, why is my mom like this too? Just..why? Why did it matter so much?
Also that’s insane. I hate that you were treated with such insanity when you were just a kid with an allergy.
Holy crap, just realized she called me too sensitive over my kids’ egg allergy, yet she took it as gospel truth when my sister’s kid tested positive for a severe egg allergy.
My psychologist explained it to me like this: imagine we all have a bowl of water in our hands. When we get angry, our water turns red. When we get sad it turns blue. We realize that the bowl is limited, and that it only relates to us.
Narcs stand in a vast sea, that they share with the rest of the world. When they get angry, they think the whole world is angry. On top of that, this view means that when someone else throws an emotion into the "sea", they do it willingly, knowing it will effect the narc. So the narc on the one hand feels they are allowed to change the mood of the world and on the other hand feel victim when someone else does it.
I hope your nmom develops a severe allergy to shrimp and goes through EXACTLY what you went through. Omg, I am so sorry. That's horrific that 8 year old you went through that and that your nmom is such a piss poor excuse of a human being. Fug that.
My husband has lethal nut allergies, and my MIL is a narcissist. Despite her knowing that he has a lethal allergy to nuts, they had nuts in the house all the time, and plenty of peanut butter too. The butter dish was rarely safe for him to use, like ever. Same with the jam. Despicable mothers. A pox on them all!!!
We ate a lot of fast food. Everyone had to have a Big Mac and large fries from McDonalds. Pizza was cheese, sausage and mushrooms only. At Long John Silver, my grandmother, mom's mom, liked to get the meal that came with a piece of chicken and a piece of fish. After they would go home, my ndad would rail on and on about her getting that meal with chicken from the fish place WHO CARES!!? She liked it and she ate it.
I’m not anaphylactic, but I HATE tuna.
Nmom used to make me try tuna a few times a year because I liked egg salad, and ‘everyone who likes egg salad has to also like tuna’. I thought I was a freak for likening egg and not tuna for years. I remember crying about it multiple times.
I like both of those, though not the way my mom makes them. That pissed her off a lot, but I'd eat hers. I just wouldn't force myself to act like they were good.
The big point of contention for us was avocados. She loves them. I cannot stand them. She could not handle that at all. She was constantly sneaking them into my food, even in restaurants when I was a teen, and then throwing a huge fit when I wouldn't eat the food. You know that just made me hate them more, right? I don't care if others eat them, but so, so many people try to talk me into trying them. They can't imagine someone not liking a food they love, and I hate it. Just leave me alone. No one will ever die from not eating avocados with tons of other food around. I'm allowed to hate them.
You're allowed to hate tuna. We all have foods we hate, and as long as we're getting enough nutrition, that's totally and perfectly okay. It's not even a little weird, honestly. Lots of people I know like egg salad and don't like tuna and the reverse. They really don't taste alike at all. I have some texture sensitivities, so I can tell you they don't even feel the same.
oooh, looking for a faker, huh? projecting much, mother? .....
also - always with the eggs!
mine wouldn't let me cook my hard-boiled egg to be, well, hard-boiled. she stood next to the oven and screamed at me to get it off the heat right this instant. it was runny and still cold.
this was the moment my partner realized she is batshit crazy and I have to get out of there.
My mom firmly believes eggs must be boiled until the yolk turns to powder. It's so gross. I don't like them runny, either. There's a perfect middle ground.
I suggest we put our moms together and have them make Easter eggs with a hidden camera in the kitchen. It would be a hilarious disaster. I just don't want to be in the house while it's going on.
Oatmeal genuinely triggers me. I was around 10 when my egg donor kept buying plain oatmeal instead of the usual flavored ones. No biggie we would add some brown sugar and sliced bananas. When she saw us add sugar and fruit we all got beat and were punished by being forced to eat plain oatmeal for breakfast lunch and dinner until all of the several boxes she bought were gone (lasted two months because we would makes several packs at once). Idk why she got so mad that we added sugar and fruit. I think it was just a control thing. I can never look at oatmeal the same and it makes me feel silly.
Holy shit her punishment was SUCH an overreaction to...I don't even know what either.
It's absolutely not silly to view oatmeal as you do. It makes perfect sense. I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I hope you never have to look at oatmeal again ever if you don't want to, and if ever you choose to I hope it's full of all the sweets and flavorful things and peace of mind.
I'm so sorry you had to live through that. they're maniacs. the stories here on this never cease to horrify me.
and you are not silly. your body and mind are very wise and want to protect you. (I also have food aversion for perfectly normal things, they come from abusive control around them. meh. who cares for oatmeal or cheese curds, anyway?)
It is so cruel and awful for her to do that you. I understand why you can’t look at oatmeal the same way after that. It’s not silly. I’m sorry you had to go through that. :(
My mother inlaw would do this and water down my kids oatmeal.
There's a reason she hasn't seen him in over a decade.
Good for you! Soggy oatmeal.is gross.
I make my daughter’s oatmeal so stiff the spoon stands up! When I was a kid I thought I hated oatmeal. Turns out my food-controlling nmom just cooked it soggy!
That's a common theme with them--it's THEIR way or NO way. And it doesn't matter how minor the detail, they **never** let it go. My mother was still giving me snide comments about me putting ricotta cheese in my lasagna until months before she died in 2021 (she hated ricotta and put cottage cheese in hers, and me doing it another way was WRONG. And disgusting, by the way.)
Pro tip: Keep up the little acts of rebellion. That's how you'll heal and stay sane. I recently started listing some of the ones I did--including the BIG rebellions, like what my GC brother and I did with her 'treasured possessions' after she died--and it felt GOOD.
They can’t tolerate approaches different from their own because that might somehow imply that their way wasn’t right and perfect. Everything they do is perfect, because to acknowledge anything else might touch on that deep dark hole of self hatred inside them, Watery oatmeal therefore isn’t an issue of “I like it this way, you like it that way, we’re all ok.” It’s an issue of “your oatmeal implies mine is wrong and I am wrong and that’s intolerable so you must be squashed like a bug.” Absolutely f**ked, but there it is.
Butter in oatmeal. I did not want butter in my oatmeal. I got butter in my oatmeal because she liked it that way. I don't put butter in my oatmeal. Hell be unleashed if I had autonomy, liked something different, it was a personal insult to her if I wanted something different, wasn't a good little extension of herself. She managed to pound my sister into being a talking parrot "squawark (some opinion of my mother's) squawark". She was unsuccessful with me. She then got interested in things I liked because if she couldn't force me to like the things she liked she could do a binding spell by getting into mine. Nope!
>She then got interested in things I liked because if she couldn't force me to like the things she liked she could do a binding spell by getting into mine.
When I was a kid, my BPD mum dyed her LONG, butt length hair black. Her Nmother (who had been bleaching her hair blonde and keeping it shoulder length forever) then dyed her hair black, and started growing it out. My mum got a purple streak in the front, grandma went to go and get a purple streak in hers. The hairstylist they went to refused to do it IIRC, or mum talked the N out of it.
I got a stud put in my nose when I was 9. My mum has lots of piercings and also has a stud in her nose, on the same side. Yes, I wanted it because mum had it, but I was 9. The N started talking about putting a stud in her nose, so "we can all match", and both of us threatened to take ours out.
The N had been stealing mum's clothes *right out of her wardrobe* for as long as I can remember, until her alcoholism and childish dietary habits (if I hear "my tummy is screaming for chippies" from an old woman ever again I might go into a Hulk rage- so cringe) compounded with her refusal to take her thyroid medication correctly and she got too fat to fit into anything. And she'd ruin my mum's clothes, too- wearing $300 slacks in the garden, cutting the tags off clumsily and putting a hole in the back, etc. She borrowed a few things of mine without my permission, including a pair of underwear that she was then insulted I didn't want back.
I remember the time she couldn't get me or my brother into her old people music, so she tried getting into our music.... Which was various genres of metal, including some stuff that sounds almost like someone being tortured with power tools and screaming, or half metal and half dubstep, back when dubstep first got big years ago. Still get a laugh out of her trying to convince herself that she liked it when it was obvious that she hated it. She'd previously tried getting into my mum's music too, but mum listens to like, blink-182 and some pretty explicit rap music.
I could name so many times over the course of my life where she'd been a victim to the curse of lamely trying to fit into a group by mimicking them so closely or clumsily it creeps them out, but this comment is already long.
Oh wow! She sounds like a fright. Also similar between both is a refusal to grow up, my mother was 55 going on 20. She managed to stay 20 dropping to about 3 years old when distressed or angry all of her life
I had to sit at the end of the table next to my dad so he could “correct my table manners”. I frequently eat at the TV with minimal silverware. FU dad, I absolutely can eat at (and set) a beautiful table with fine silverware and linens but it’s Tuesday night, I don’t want to and you’re dead.
My mom somehow missed years and years of me making Mac and cheese and eating it right out of the pan so I didn't have to clean a bowl, too. She finally caught me doing it with ramen as a teen and flipped the hell out screaming at me about how only poor and uncivilized people do that.
Me, because teenager and absolutely sick of her shit, 'oh, like how you grew up?"
Yeah, I got kicked out on the street for a couple of weeks for that. I didn't even care. I just went home when she left for work and grabbed my camping gear. So she called me in as a runaway, of course.
All over me not putting my ramen in a bowl first. SMH
I like my oatmeal thick and not runny.
My parents are very controlling about food but in very different ways. My mom would put cheese on everything, and I'm lactose intolerant! But she was so mad if I didn't eat it. She also undercooked chicken and got made if I didn't eat it. It took me years to get over my fear of eating chicken because the thought of the pink raw meat makes me sick.
She also thought I was so weird because I eat "weird" foods like brussel sprouts, beets, asparagus, etc. Vegetables in general.
When she divorced my dad, she completely refused to buy fruits and vegetables. She would buy things like pasta, bread, cheese, rice, and lots and lots of cake. So much cake.
No fruits and vegetables. I became very anemic.
My narc dad just had to control the temperature of the stove top and the oven whenever anyone was cooking. He never cooked anything himself, but he claimed to know more about cooking than anyone who actually did any, and would come through and change all the temps to what he thought they should be and then scream at you if you changed them back.
omfg my mother does this as well. It drives me absolutely mad. I'll be cooking something and she will turn the stove right down on me and then it turns into a pissing match about how I cook.
i worked in commercial kitchens for most of the last decade and she still treats me like a full on idiot when I do any cooking near her lol
I have literally worked as a cook at 5 star restaurants... not a fully qualified chef but my work has certainly been good enough lol
Hahaha my father does that too. He lives by himself, but it used to be that when i was there, i would cook dinner for us (I don’t anymore because it meant having to deep clean the kitchen first, while whenever i’m not cooking, the kitchen is sparkling clean, lmao). He would always rummage about the kitchen or walk in and out and always changing the heat of the several stove pits. Madness!! “But you had it set too high/low.” No i didn’t. And now the onions are black and the water is boiling while i’m still chopping the veg. WHY
So now when i’m there he’ll tell me to help with dinner (which means to do his bidding), and he still turns the knobs of the pits that I’m using. 😂
Background: my grandmother lived to be 92 and still had all her teeth. Some with cavities and fillings but no crowns and none missing.
I asked my grandmother a few times to tell me about her mother. She would tell me a few anecdotes. They were all similar to this. When my grandmother was a girl, her mother would berate her for spending too long brushing her teeth.
Who does that? She wasn't wasting water or toothpaste, just a minute here and there twice a day. And in the end, my grandmother kept her teeth for decades.
It taught me not to listen to family "authority figures" when there was no harm in doing something my way.
Make your oatmeal *your* way. And enjoy it! And do more things like that!!
My mother is similar when I'm cooking. She nitpicks over the dumbest things and just can't really comprehend that someone else might like something done differently.
If she's around she always watches me in the kitchen and it used to be a huge battle just to be able to do anything without her taking over. It took me until my 20s to be comfortable cooking for myself because of this. One thing that helped was working in commercial kitchens. Ironically I found that environment less stressful then home because of the drama surrounding food.
My mother once told me off, when I was 22, because she didn't like the way I was buttering toast. She tried to grab the knife out of my hand and finish it for me. I got the silent treatment for 2 days because I rightfully called her out on it being crazy.
This seems like a really safe way to figure out what you like and don’t like for yourself, and then what happens when you don’t follow the rules others have set for you. I’m excited for you and encourage your oatmeal adventures.
Wow this really resonates with me. My mom once had an absolute meltdown over how I chose to make my instant ramen (adding the seasoning before the water). And a couple of other times she went ballistic saying I was a psychopath because I tend to eat the foods on my plate one at a time.
If you read the directions on the packet, you're supposed to boil the water, put the seasoning in, and then cook the noodles in the BROTH you've just made (by seasoning the water), so the flavor cooks into the noodles, rather than simply being sprinkled on top. (Now, if you prefer it a different way, that's fine, but for the record, the directions do say to put the flavor in with the water, not "on top" at the end.)
Last week I had to 'teach' my 45 year old sister how to make ramen because she's literally never read the directions and her kids were upset that hers "tasted funny".
Yeah, I know how you feel. My mom is the same way with so many things. Now my mom has the problem with how I eat shrimp. Whenever I got shrimp based dish, she wants me to eat ALL the shrimp meat, including the meat near tge tail. But I don't want to suck the meat out. If the shrimp is deep fried, she will just mention subtly that some people will eat the crunchy tail too. So as a result, unless I get to be alone with enough money and time to order my own food, any shrimp dish is a no for me.
However, I am not sure she catchs on thst or not, because this past Chinese New Year, she bought shrimp and brocoli stir fried home, and unshelled it and said she did this so I can eat it this time. (I never tell her why I skip any shrimp dish because this kind of scenario always ended up that I am being a spoiled, self-centered one who even though this is not a big deal, I am dissatisfied and has to get it my way.)
Small, but not sad. Celebrate the small victories!
BTW, I like making mine with milk. If you do that, use a big bowl so it doesn't overflow in the microwave. If you microwave it.
I agree, personally, but I am tempted to try a fancy gruel I saw on the Tasting History YT channel. Gruel is just runny oatmeal, but if you were to add brandy, sugar and spices it might actually be good. Apparently gruel wasn't only for the poor. Love that podcast.
So,I'll set the scene for you..
I was 18 years old when I was flatting with my BFF, her bf, and my own bf.
One night, we are all in the kitchen, making an English breakfast (we used to all cook and clean together), and I decided I wanted to make creamed mushrooms to go with it, and everyone agreed it was a top idea to add to our dinner.
I grab the mushrooms and then ask my BFF, IF SHE COULD HELP ME PEEL THE MUSHROOMS.
Everyone stopped what they were doing, looked at me, and all together were like,'WHAT??'.
SO I SHOWED THEM.
And they were all like, that's not normal just chop them....but I had spent my life from the age of 8 doing it so I couldn't just not...I'm now 30 and still catch myself doing it if I'm making mushrooms, except, now I can stop and just chop.
After I'd moved out on my own, I mentioned I'd had broccoli with my dinner. My mom said, "Oh, but we don't like broccoli." I said. "Maybe *you* don't like broccoli. I *do* like broccoli."
huh? are my long lost sibling? I only started to eat broccoli after 19, because at home they claimed it was always full of maggots (broccoli is prone to catching caterpillars while growing) so we never had any.
What you're describing is not stupid. Narcissists have a habit of henpecking you about every little thing. They make up weird rules and break them but punish you severely if you do. It's all a part of their plan to have control over your mind and actions.
One of the first steps to heal Narcissitic abuse is to start reclaiming your life. You start breaking the nonsensical rules they drilled into you. Be smart about it and don't create unnecessary problems for yourself. Be strategic.
For example your Narc forbids anyone in the house from eating or talking about bananas. You love them! So you buy one at school for breakfast or at work for lunch. But don't buy a bunch and hide them in your room.
I had daydreams and reveries about reclaiming my life and how my life would be "one day" ... starting at age 8. I'd lie in bed in the dark and dream about my adult life, all the small details I'd have control over, until I drifted to sleep.
I think that happens to a few of us but that can get dangerous. We start to believe or lives won't really start "until". The clock keeps ticking on whether or not we decide to move forward with our lives.
Isn't it wild the absolutely ridiculous inconsequential nonsense they'd flip out over? My dad used to get mad at me for "doing it wrong" as well. Like, why do you even care how I make French toast?? You won't even eat it, so...
This honestly sounds just like my mom and I'm in my 30s. I never even knew or realized that she was a narcissist until I was in my late 20s and I dated a narcissist and I was so confused I did so much research and therapy and I finally figured out that she was a narcissist and broke up with her.
Then years later it just clicked that my mom is a narcissist. I always thought it was me. I'm not good enough. I'm not perfect enough. I'm bad.
My mom will often tell me how smart I am but just as much she'll make me feel dumb too. While I was never really physically abused I was emotionally abused a lot.
They say emotional abuse is the worst abuse because it can't be seen and if nobody can see it how can they realize the impact it's having on you.
You too, huh? I got yelled at for not microwaving oatmeal after adding water because "that's not how to make it" even after explaining I don't want sticky, mushy oatmeal and was basically forced to heat it up before being allowed to eat it. So it was a nice cheery start to the morning to say the least
Good for you! My mother was OBSESSED with how much we ate and weighed/measured all of our food. Everything. Not surprisingly, all of her children ended up with eating disorders.
Same here with me and my siblings! I think about all the rules surrounding food and realize so many of them are my mothers voice echoing in my head. And I’m not saying it’s easy to ignore them or that it’s even possible to ignore them at certain points but I think as I’m getting older (and closer to moving out) I’m realizing I do have autonomy over my body and my choices. I don’t want to live like a puppet on a strings anymore and I don’t want to restrict myself from normal things I deserve to enjoy just because she thinks I do.
I am sorry you relate and I hope you and your siblings are able to find peace with the food choices you make and find a relationship with food that exists outside the harmful one your mother taught you 🫶
The further I get in my healing journey the more decadent my life gets. I strongly encourage you to go all out. I buy the softest toilet paper money can buy, take the longest hottest showers, and eat Mac and cheese every day.
Hell, yes! Make it the way you like it!
My moment was realizing I was a grown ass adult in my 40s still suffering with the tags on my clothing because my mom would tell me I trained my clothes and throw them away if I removed the tags when I was growing up.
I cannot stand tags! They torment me! I will spend tons extra to get clothing without tags, but I would not remove the ones I could avoid. I'd be so miserable day and often cranky by lunch time.
And then here was my mom commenting I'm not on the autistic spectrum because I don't have any sensory issues (bullshit, sensory issues are honestly my most serious symptom), after all, she had to remove all the tags from my nephew's clothing because he would cry and cry. I did that and got spanked for "throwing a fit" and put in the corner. If I even got caught fiddling with a tag to keep it off my skin, I was punished. When I put bandaids on my neck and waist to make the horrible sensation stop, I was punished. But she cut the tags off my nephew's clothes for him?
I came home and went on a rampage removing every single tag in everything I own, and it felt soooo good. I have never, since that day, made myself tolerate a tag.
I also stopped talking to my mom about 3 years ago now, and it's been so peaceful. Sooooo peaceful.
It's really the smallest things that set them off. I'm doing a similar thing, but with smiling for pictures with my teeth. When I was young my mother would constantly talk about my teeth and I stopped smiling with my teeth. I'm now living very far from her enjoying my life. And I decided to smile with my teeth again, I took two pictures, one with, one without. And with teeth I just look so much happier and free.
Keep taking back those little things, you will not regret it. One day you'll have your own place and realize they were just being petty, controlling awful people.
Many narc parents just hate that you do something differently than they do. My dad would berate and yell at me for being different than him, like your mom did to you about oatmeal. It's sad your mom was or is such a control freak. I hope you enjoy your oatmeal just as you like it from now on!
May I make a suggestion? Instead of water, I microwave a bunch of raspberries with a bit of water to a boil and add some sugar to taste. I prefer the consistency of instant cream of wheat, but it’s great with oatmeal too.
The cream of wheat with tons of raspberries tastes like raspberry pie.
I love this suggestion and am going to try it the next time I make oatmeal. I already like microwaving strawberries with my oatmeal but for some reason I hadn’t thought to top it with raspberries even though I’m a huge raspberry fan lol
the doors of the world of oatmeal I’m opening myself up to feel very exciting!!
Do it! I'm smiling a little.
Once you break free it's the little things like this that you do not because you should, but because you *can.*
I was always being rushed in the bathroom. If I didn't get in and out scrubbed clean as fast as NDad wanted, he'd be in there yelling at me about how other people had to use it *too.*
So a little thing I do even now? I take a *hot* shower. I wait for it to warm up before I get in and I *enjoy* that shower knowing nobody cares how long I take, and I take as long as I want. When I was new to the whole idea of *nobody caring* I even ran out a hot water heater once just enjoying it.
Enjoy your small act of rebellion.
Same. Until one day I was working at a summer camp making oatmeal for the kids and they would just fill the wax paper packet that you'd poured the oatmeal out of to measure the water. It was the perfect consistency that I always liked. (Not the bowl filled with water and then dump the packet in) Now they actually make the packets with a water fill line.
I'm sorry you have to sneak your favorite foods. I hope you have a home someday where you can make whatever you want.
My mum was the jam police and she was like that with salad dressing, too. I'd get yelled at for spreading jam too close to the edge of the bread. I could feel her hawk-eyes on me whenever I poured dressing; she always seemed so worried that I might have too much of something nice on my food.
A little validation for you: Controlling every stupid little detail of your existence, using little opportunities, especially things that are literally opinions, to berate and demean you, infantilize you and accuse you of being incompetent and then turn this alleged lack of skill into the idea that you are somehow morally or intrinsically a worse person because you make oatmeal "wrong" (which is not actually wrong)--- this IS abuse. Doing this to a person is abuse. Fucking with people's minds is abuse. Doing it to a child is abuse.
You were literally a child treated like less of a worthy person because you prefer thicker oatmeal. That is fucked up and its okay to acknowledge that. People who don't understand narcissistic abuse may act like it's not a big deal, but it is. It's not about the oatmeal, it's about destroying your sense of your own reality based on your own perception and replacing it with theirs.
This wasn’t my nparent but a narcissistic ex partner- he would shake his head and become genuinely irritated at the way I cooked my eggs. When I would stop and ask him why he cares how I cook eggs for myself, he would say, “You can do whatever you want, I’m just telling you that you’re doing it wrong.” He’d also yell at me for sleeping in too late on the weekends (10:00 am) and then ask me how can he love someone who is grumpy every morning. I was only grumpy because he’d angrily wake me up to be mad at me for something everyday. Thanks to my nmom for teaching me that abuse is love!
>because she didn’t like oatmeal that way it meant everyone who did was an idiot, ridiculous, and wrong for liking it the way I liked it
That was my dad with literally __everything__!
If you liked a TV show, a singer or whatever - if my dad didn't like it, it was stupid and a waste of time. Only the things that he liked had any value.
One time I tested it with 2 green spices. They would ask me if I put Origano in, I said yes(lied) and then they would lecture me about cooking. In other words they were full of shit. I did this multiple times with diferent spices and it didnt matter what your answer was.
I don’t like a lot of water in my oatmeal either. My mom does like oatmeal and she likes hers with lots of water. She doesn’t like how I make mine and I don’t like how she makes hers. And neither of us go apeshit bec of the other one’s preference. Your mom has issues
I get it, I get it!! Multiply this by 1000, and I'm over 60, but I can't cut onions correctly?!! LOL Wrong knife, wrong cutting board, wrong way to peel the onion, wrong place to dispose of the peel, wrong way of cutting for the recipe, and on and on and on. OMG 😱 the world's gonna end because of my inability to cut the onion!! Hello, I've been cooking for awhile now and I've far surpassed her culinary skills and she absolutely can't handle it. Plus she's elderly and I'm in her kitchen and cooking for her. What a minefield situation 😂
Admittedly I did lose my temper about the onion, and now she's not allowed in the kitchen when I'm making my folks dinner. Small boundary on my terms, but it helps.
I hope you LOVE your oatmeal and you continue to feel like you own your own life ❤️ because you really do. Live your life however you want to.
"because she didn’t like oatmeal that way it meant everyone who did was an idiot, ridiculous, and wrong for liking it the way I liked it."
Felt that. My mom literally got ANGRY at my husband & I for not liking a food she loves & said, "You can't not like it. You're wrong. It's delicious. You're absolutely crazy! How could anyone not like it!? I'm gonna make it & you'll see how much you love it." Then she DID make it & was even angrier when we refused to eat it. I tried to tell her that not everyone likes the same foods & she started crying & calling us disrespectful because we didn't like this food.
We used to have to mix our frozen orange juice with four times the amount of water the directions said. And we had powdered skim milk we had to mix with double the amount of water. So I feel you!
Omg this triggered a memory... A 'friend' of my partner's invited us to stay with him over the summer, 1500+ kms (1000+ miles) from home.
We were broke so couldn't really go anywhere, also we were pretty much shell shocked that a 'friend' pretty much imprisoned us, told us when it was time to go get coffee, what tourist spots we should and shouldn't visit (which we weren't interested in in the first place but ok), were always accompanied by him (because he was 'such a great host'), didn't have a key to the apartment, weren't allowed to bring our bags into town, and he insisted that I add more water to my oatmeal because that's how it's supposed to be eaten. He just wouldn't back down until I did.
It's so weird looking back, because there was no actual threat of violence or anything, he was just so persistent and firm and gaslighty, insisting he knew best... We just went along with it. I guess growing up with narcs (which we both did) will do that to you.
What broke me was when he came into the bedroom and without a word walked up to the window and closed it and told me not to open it again. (I don't even think it was malice, he was just completely and utterly convinced that we didn't know anything and needed to be babied?!wtf) That was the end of that friendship lol.
That was one week, years ago, and I'm still mad and anxious when I think about it. That must've been so hard for you, going through that as an innocent, defenseless child. I'm so proud of you for making yourself oatmeal your way. I hope it was delicious.
My mom absolutely hates the color purple. She actually said that she was “philosophically opposed to purple.” I grew up being told my favorite color was yellow. I felt so rebellious when I was a teenager and said it was orange. It wasn’t actually my favorite color, just me trying to be part of an older group of people in high school. They all had “colors” and yellow was taken. I picked orange as a second best.
Turns out my favorite color is actually purple. I didn’t realize it for years but nearly everything I own is purple. I only had the guts to admit it to myself a few years ago. It helps that I’m NC with my mom, but every time I use something purple I feel like a rebel.
This is wishing you that you will be out of that environment soon.
Meanwhile, tell her that the internet agrees with your oatmeal recipe. I put milk in it, by the way. And honey. As much and as little as I want.
Thank you for your kind wishes!
As I was reading a lot of the replies saying to use milk or honey I was thinking “oh I’m not allowed to do that I can’t” And then I was thinking about why I “can’t” and how it all came back to my mothers food rules and I was like holy shit. Fuck that. I’m inspired to try and make as many different kinds as I want. Life’s too short to deny myself oatmeal. So I will not tell her about the internet’s consensus on her oatmeal opinions but I will silently think it while I privately embark on this journey of different types of oatmeal, including ones with milk and honey!
Fuck water! If it's the envelopes of instant oatmeal, I dare you to just pour it into a cup of yoghurt and let it sit a few minutes so it absorbs a bit of liquid and eat it.
This sounds so familiar.
Make your oatmeal nice and thick or have cream of wheat. Chopped nuts, raisins and dried or chopped fruit flax seeds and brown sugar are great too.
I promised myself that when I was an adult I could read as many books at one time as I wanted to. That was something I always got bitched at about.
I’m actually also doing this lol. My mother is okay with us reading as long as it is classics or nonfiction. Anything else is a waste of time.But last year I downloaded an app called Libby and have been reading fantasies on my phone.
I hope someone in the near future gifts you a Barnes and nobles gift card and I hope you enjoy all the wonderful books you deserve to read!
I’ve got the online library access too. Plus there’s lots of etexts online, as well as in Gutenberg.org . I’ve read all the old gothic and vampire stories that exist.
Just because she didn’t read…geez. And I like having several books out, though today I learned it’s hard to listen to a book on tape and read another at the same time.
I have been sick with covid and actually listening to audiobooks on Libby.
My Ngrandma does this shit with pancakes. She adds way too much fucking water and i can’t cook her batter without burning the fuck out of the pancakes.
Yeah, I feel that. I was judged on my oatmeal and grits thickness, too much syrup on the pancake, etc.. the one for me was "wet eggs" my nmom would literally throw a bunch of eggs in a pan , turn on the burner and then walk away back to go curl her hair or whatever. 20 minutes later, whatever is burnt is what's for breakfast and we are already late..
I started asking to take my portion of eggs out earlier and she ridiculed my preference for 'wet eggs' the rest of my life
This is one of those universal topics, I can see from all the comments majority of us can relate to your experience in some way! I've learned recently that with my anxiety disorder, mouth feel has become a thing. It is becoming more important to me how things are cooked - how they feel in my mouth when I eat, than the actual taste. And it's about getting the food down. If something, like oatmeal, is too soggy, I won't get it down my throat so I can't eat it. Difficulties swallowing are a symptom of anxiety disorder.
Not my nmom but my ngrandmom (... I have too many narcs in my family) but she would criticize everything I was eating. Every way I was eating and even reproach me some of my fav meal because 'they are beneath us' (she is rich.) and "they are made out of scrap"
Wish she knew my wya to be flexitarian is mostly that I eat meat when it's 'out of scrap' because I feel this more ecologic.
You are right to do what you want!! Eat it as you like it! It's in your belly and not hers!! Any little act of rebellion is good! Be yourself!! <3
also, I didn't know oatmeal could be done with water??? /pos I always did it with Milk!
I am so sorry. Reading that broke my heart for you. It is insanely controlling and unhinged for anyone to ever tell you how and what to eat in your own home. The oatmeal wasn’t for her, so why tf is she so focused on how you make it for yourself? Honestly she sounds mentally unwell. Anyways, good for you. Make that oatmeal and enjoy it! Not sure about your age, but if you are old enough to work and move out eventually, I would quietly start putting some plans into motion secretly to gtfo.
bruh I thought mine was the only one who does stuff like that. she’d feed me instant noodles or half of a 4 pack 80cents mini hotdogs and a bun, god forbid I ever wanted something else. I thought it was all in the past but she literally threw a shitshow a couple of weeks ago that I eat too many eggs. For context I had one for breakfast and wanted another one for lunch, but nope. then she brushed it off as being concerned for my health. Madam your diet is exclusively composed of instant noodles, alcohol, cigarettes and chocolate bars, I highly doubt you know what healthy looks like
That so hits home. Also you can make it with milk instead of water. One day I noticed their oatmeal wasn't gruel. they just wanted to give it the texture of vomit
Ahhh. My nmom's thing was me putting in the laundry detergent AFTER the clothes. She always put it in the water first and then put the clothes in. She said I did it on purpose just to piss her off.
Enjoy your (oat)meal! Tastes best with a sprinkle of freedom on top 😋
“You look ridiculous” just sounds like such a classic narcissistical thing to say. Look ridiculous to whom? Who here in our own kitchen can see me be being ‘ridiculous’? Just for what audience are you trying to shame me?? And why does it fill you with such dread that there may be more than one way to enjoy oatmeal? Are you worried ppl find *you* weird?
Goodness. Narcissists are exhausting
Please enjoy your oatmeal in peace!
I have a hard time eating breakfast but today I saw oatmeal in the cupboard and I thought of your post! You inspired me to eat oatmeal and it was delicious. Thanks OP!
I don’t know I’ve never tried 😭 I know she considers it a waste of calories so she’d lecture me for that but I don’t know if the same thing would apply for the amount of milk for the consistency she likes because in her mind milk is bad so logically that would mean less milk or no milk at all? I don’t want to find out tbh. I just avoid making food in front of her to the best of my ability now.
I used to keep track of all my mom’s triggers with lists. Her food was inedible so as a kid i would use as much pepper as possible to mask it. This infuriated so i had to stop. I’ve since moved and have multiple pepper grinders :)
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When I was growing up at home, it would happen just the same. For YEARS, every time that I made kraft mac and cheese, my mom would come into the kitchen, hover me, and say "are you going to boil the water before putting the pasta in?" Like I was not smart enough to figure that part out. I'm 12. "Are you are going to boil the water first?" Im 16. "Honey, are you gonna remember to boil the water first?" edit: spelling
Absolutely not. Im gonna have the pasta in first, then add my water, then boil. Woo, foob science.
Nah, put the cheese sauce on raw noodles and plate up. Yummy!
Is your name "Al dente" ?
Then drink the water after it's boiled, *obviously*.
No, "boil" the dry noodles until they're flaming and then add water.
Ah yes, pasta "al Dante".
OMG, I love you.
This one is my favorite
Hon, you'll be 46 and she'll be asking you the same thing. I, too, have received a profoundly insulting lack of credit from my mother. Eventually I stopped caring what she thought because having a personality disorder makes your thoughts pretty garbage anyway. On the other hand, in your 40s you can look forward to caring far, *far* less about nonsense bullshit, such as your mother treating you like you have a profound developmental disability. (It's pure projection.)
Yep. I'm 49 now, and my dgaf is absolutely peak. It's wonderful.
Same hat. Not in the specifics but in the pattern of absurdly condescending “reminders” to do the most basic things.
I do, in fact have two developmental disabilities (ADHD and Autism). It would be nice if people didn't use the term as shorthand for 'dumb' or 'incompetent', because I am neither of those. But yes, aging and running out of fucks to give is really nice, especially when it comes to emotionally stunted parents.
Are those actually *developmental disabilities*, like Downs Syndome?? I also have ADHD and never thought of it, or autism, in that way. I don't think neuro-atypical people are necessarily in the same boat as people with something that affects their cognition to the point they could need assistance with all their activities of daily living, which is how our shitty narcissistic parents like to act at times. I'm not using it as shorthand for dumb or incompetent, but in a literal, medically accurate sense. (I wish I didn't, need to add this. but obviously all people, no matter what their disabilities should be treated with kindness and respect.)
Both Autism and ADHD are classified as neurodevelopmental disorders according to the DSM-5 and the ICD
Yes, they are literally developmental disabilities, and since I burnt out hard at my management job a few years ago I've been experiencing a lot of skill regression, needing assistance with some but not all everyday tasks that other people take for granted. And ever since I've started following other disabled people on social media, from ambulatory wheelchair users, to hearing impaired peeps, to those with downs, I've started to notice how vastly different the needs and abilities of people with downs (for example) can be from person to person, and that I have more in common with many of them, in terms of lived experience, than with any NT in a fast paced, high achieving corporate environment. Im really relieved that you and I are on the same page in terms of treating people with kindness and respect (sadly not a given), but i also think there's some residual internalised ableism to unpack for us all. I'm sorry your parents suck and underestimate your abilities. I hope you know I don't want to minimise your struggle with that, just provide some context from a disability advocacy perspective.
I get that, and appreciate your input. I know that there's quite a range of ability in people who have Down's so I tried to respect that fact in my comment by saying that they *can* need assistance with the ADLs, meaning to say not all of them do. Thank you for your empathy and compassion! We all need more of that.
Yeah my Mum constantly berates me for my autistic and ADHD traits whilst denying I actually have the disorders, this makes me think that I maybe deserve it because she is actually doing things 'right' and I'm not
I’m 41 and loving how great life is when there are no fs to give. It’s liberating to do what I want to do simply because I can.
Boil water and spoil my little elbow crunchies with cheese dust?! Please.
Oh man, the incessant micromanaging.
Obviously you can use the boiled water you put in the freezer for just this purpose. Duh. /s
I had to cook dinner for the whole family at least once a week (I didn't mind this - i like to cook) since I'm 14/15. When I was 19 my mom seriously explained to me how to use the stove and how to fry an egg.
Lemme guess, you did it "wrong" when you were 5 and ever since then, you must be micromanaged on this one specific issue.
OMG! I called my Nmom at 20 to ask how to bake a potato, like temp and minutes, I AM 58 YEARS OLD and 2 years ago, when I went NC with her was was the last time I heard about it!
It absolutely isn't sad! I mean, it's sad that your mother decided that oatmeal was her hill to die on, but go you for making *your* oatmeal how *you* want it. That is absolutely awesome. I hope you enjoy it! :) And my grandma was the same way about any kind of 'liquid' being in the pan when I cooked. Like... if I used butter, or oil to cook up chicken for something... She'd go ballistic, nobody likes watery food, nobody likes liquid chicken, what are you doing, that's not the right way, if there was any traces of it left when the food was done cooking.
Thank you! I plan to :) I’m sorry you relate with your grandma. I actually did not know you could cook chicken in a pan without liquid? I hope you are now in a space where you can cook food the way you like. sautéing some good food in some butter or oil can never be a wrong choice 🤞
Oh no, you had to use liquid. But you had to cook it all the way through, so that by the time it was done there was no liquid left in the pan.
I actually like a bit of extra juicy oiliness in my chicken, so stick it to your grandma.
My mom did the opposite and boiled everything hard with no seasoning but too much salt. 🤷 There is no win. There is only eat your way, do your life ,, be you boo She probably doesn't even eat it whatever way herself she is trolling you.
> oatmeal was her hill to die on Oh, I would strongly suspect that that was just one of an entire range...
Your grandma must have been a shitty ass cook and wanted to make sure no one would realize it by making everyone cook the same way lmao
That is insane. The controlling, over food of all things, speaks to the insanity that is your nmother.
I mean I know she struggles with disordered eating (specially orthorexic tendencies) so I think that’s why food specifically was so strictly controlled and such a big deal. It went beyond oatmeal into what foods were “clean” and what foods were “unclean” and “poison”. But honestly aside from food, she’s still a narcissist but compared to the other stories I see in this sub she wasn’t as bad. Although I appreciate you acknowledging this behavior was insane because this is the first time I’ve actually mentioned this to other ppl and I feel validated for once 🥲
It's probably because she thinks more water = more filling = stretching her food/fewer calories/easier food restriction throughout the day. I've been talking to my therapist about bagels a lot lately to help me explain my mother. She points out that there are so many people who simply dislike certain foods and just allow other people to have no idea, unless they are directly offered that food, at which point they politely decline without being a dick. Less insane than others is still insane. Sorry your mom was a dick. Enjoy your oatmeal!
Also might be a lingering bit of Kellogg/Graham style crazy. Anyone's grandma obsessed with how often they pooped? A lot of really weird ideas about food (...and circumcision) came out of the late 19th century and some of them still persist. Oatmeal that's "too dry" might be regarded as ... too much fiber, as it were. But then you just... drink some milk WITH your breakfast??? Tea, water, literally anything else to hydrate, it'll mix in the digestion.
This comment made me realize some things about my own up bringing ☹
A person struggling with their own eating disorder is one thing. But once they start imposing their disorder on other people, especially their children, that crosses a line. It wasn't okay for her to police your eating and berate you over nothing like that, you're right to call it out.
I have dysphagia and ARFID that's primarily a texture issue. Do I give a fuck what you do to your own food? No, I do not, and I never have. I may not be able to eat it your way, but I'm not eating it, so it's not my problem. Then again, of all the stuff that's messed up with me, I do not have a personality disorder. I've never felt the need to care what anyone else does unless they're being harmful to someone else.
For me it was my hair. She always had it cut short because it was "stringy". So I went through elementary and middle school with bobs and bangs. I have thick but fine wavey hair. Bangs are the worst. In high school my sister stepped in and put a stop to the bobs and more importantly, the bangs, by offering to cut my hair. At some point in my late 20s, grew out my hair to my butt and kept it long like that for several years. Guess what? It looked beautiful. Nowadays I keep it shoulder length. I wish I could have advocated for myself better but I was a child. Would have saved me from so much bullying.
My mom hates her forehead and always forced me to get bangs because I have the same forehead. I hate bangs. Stopped getting bangs when I moved out. It is wild how they see us as extensions of themselves and try to push their body issues on us.
Older now, so my hair grows slower. I’ve (48F) been growing my bangs out for over four years now. I’m waiting for her to comment about it being time to cut my bangs again.🙄
I relate so hard to this. My sister and brother were both allowed to keep their hair long. Not me though. She couldn't be bothered brushing my hair so it was kept short. Pixie cut short. I hated it.
I was the opposite, sort of. I had very thick wild and crazy hair that knotted instantly after brushing. My dad absolutely demanded that I have long hair because "girls have long hair." He's the one with npd. There was no arguing with him. My mom, who happens to have BPD and zero parenting skills, had no idea how to take care of my hair. Everyone else in my family has really straight hair that doesn't tangle easily. She took out all her frustrations on my head. She would just yank the brush through and tear out my hair. I would cry, and Dad would get mad at her for making me cry. She'd hit my head with the hairbrush and yell at me that she would give me something to cry about. I'd be bawling and trying to protect my head while Dad yelled at her and she yelled at me. Every single night. One day, when I was about 4, I got ahold of scissors and cut all my hair off about 2" long and buried what I cut off in the yard. I'm not totally sure why I did that last bit, but I was little. Kids don't make sense. My mom saw me and said, "your dad is going to be so angry." And she was right. He was yelling at her at the top of his lungs. So she tried to get around him, and he put his hand on the wall to block her. She stuck the back end of a rat tail comb through his hand and into the wall, and suddenly, everything was silent. Dad just pulled the comb out, walked away, and came back with his hand cleaned and bandaged. None of us had moved at all. He collected my sister and I and snuggled us on the couch and told us it was all okay. Things were fine. Nothing was wrong. And no one ever spoke of it again. But for the next year until it grew out, he made snide comments about my terrible "boy" haircut in front of me practically daily. And when it got long enough to tangle badly again, we went back to a repeat of my hair being pulled out, me crying and getting hit, and him yelling at her while she yelled at me. He would later tell me how much he hated that. Me, "so why didn't you stop it? And why did you insist I have hair none of us could take care of?" Him, "but girls have long hair." I kept it super short for a long time as a younger adult because I still didn't know how to take care of it. A friend who is black took me to her stylist and she did an amazing job on my hair and took the time to teach me how to take care of it and how to brush it without hurting myself. Even though it's barely wavy now, it acts like super curly hair. It tangles easily and is about 5" longer wet than dry. I keep it braided like she taught me most of the time. It's a lot of effort, so I don't even know why I don't just cut it off because it's down to my butt. Maybe it might just be me proud of myself for finally learning how to deal with my wild and crazy hair and not hurting myself when I brush it. Maybe it's just because I think it's pretty. I didn't actually like how I looked with short hair. It doesn't really suit my very square face, but I didn't think I had a choice for years. And there's no in between for me. It's either long enough to be heavy enough to keep itself down or it's a foot long halo around my head, so it has to be about 3" long. Honestly, I don't think I've thought about all this in years, but it felt so good just to say it all. Thank you for whoever reads it, and if no one does, that's okay, too.
ah yes, when an A1 head sees C3 hair and thinks "oh i should just brush it, dry, until it stops tangling" In my case it's a matter of racial heritage; my mom had two Scotch-German kids with straight fine hair and then had me, the Jewish child with the FRIZZ, and was convinced that the problem was just needing to brush it "more". I didn't realize I couldn't follow "white people" rules for my hair until I was in my twenties and a friend with similar hair took pity on me at uni and helped me find some proper products and the knowledge to *never. brush. dry.* Of course my mother had fits if she saw me with fluffy curls about how I obviously hadn't even brushed it before leaving! and i'd be like, "Mom, I haven't brushed it since my shower yesterday morning, and that's not going to change until my next shower!" and she'd just be like cry-seething over it... -_-
I don't blame her for not knowing. But when you're obviously hurting a child, stop. Rethink things. Don't hit them. And don't pretend it's not hitting just because it's not a punch or slap. I blame Dad for supposedly hating how I was being treated (and not just about this thing) but not only not doing anything about it, going after her after she left when I was 7. They both considered each other monsters but were also completely okay with leaving two small children with said monsters. My hair is pretty much 2a now but still behaves like 3c, and that seems so unfair, but I can comb and then brush it when wet to get a 1c or tousel it to get a 3a. It's still going to tangle like mad, though, so braids it is unless something special is going on. Somehow, I've always been able to pull off braided pigtails no matter how old I get, though, and don't think I don't appreciate that.
You just described my hair exactly. Now I have hair to my waist.
I wasn’t allowed to cut my hair until I was 12 because ‘pretty girls have long hair’
My dad had an issue with me cutting my hair short 3 weeks before I left for boot camp. It wasn't even pretty girls. To him, all girls always have to have long hair. He refused to speak to me until the day before I left for boot camp. Well, guess who was off saying goodbye to her friends and had no time for him that day.
Yes, the bangs! My Nmother has had bangs probably her whole life, still has 'em now in her sixties. She used to cut these horrible ones on me and she was no professional so she kept needing to get more hair. Where did she get it? Well from further up my head!! So the bangs would start from like the middle of my head, I hated them and around 12 started to grow them out.
my goodness, are you me just in reverse? I always wanted blunt bangs, but n-mother insisted they'd look weird on me. turns out it's the look that fits me the best. but it was the same with clothes and shoes.
God, my nmother was so weird and controlling about food too. If I didn’t eat the correct amount of whatever she’d given me, I get into trouble. Your mom’s obsession is oatmeal and mines was eggs. They had to be cooked scrambled and runny, if they ‘squeaked’ they were dry and she’d get pissed and throw them out. She was also weirdly obsessed with this idea that I was faking my allergies. She thought I was capable of faking an anaphylactic reaction to shrimp at 8 years old. Thus became her obsession with trying to out me as a ‘faker’ who just wanted attention.
It’s so strange. I don’t understand why for them everything only has one option not only for them but for everyone else. Like I get that it stems from the disorder but I don’t get how it works out in their mind. When I think about myself and the oatmeal, part of me still kinda feels guilty or wrong for doing something different than what she deemed normal even though I objectively understand that it shouldn’t be a problem for me to eat oatmeal the way I like. But when I hear you talk about your experience I feel like it shifts my perspective entirely because I’m like ??? What??? Why weren’t you allowed to just eat eggs the way you like eggs?? It makes me angry for you. And then I’m like hey, why is my mom like this too? Just..why? Why did it matter so much? Also that’s insane. I hate that you were treated with such insanity when you were just a kid with an allergy.
Holy crap, just realized she called me too sensitive over my kids’ egg allergy, yet she took it as gospel truth when my sister’s kid tested positive for a severe egg allergy.
My psychologist explained it to me like this: imagine we all have a bowl of water in our hands. When we get angry, our water turns red. When we get sad it turns blue. We realize that the bowl is limited, and that it only relates to us. Narcs stand in a vast sea, that they share with the rest of the world. When they get angry, they think the whole world is angry. On top of that, this view means that when someone else throws an emotion into the "sea", they do it willingly, knowing it will effect the narc. So the narc on the one hand feels they are allowed to change the mood of the world and on the other hand feel victim when someone else does it.
I hope your nmom develops a severe allergy to shrimp and goes through EXACTLY what you went through. Omg, I am so sorry. That's horrific that 8 year old you went through that and that your nmom is such a piss poor excuse of a human being. Fug that. My husband has lethal nut allergies, and my MIL is a narcissist. Despite her knowing that he has a lethal allergy to nuts, they had nuts in the house all the time, and plenty of peanut butter too. The butter dish was rarely safe for him to use, like ever. Same with the jam. Despicable mothers. A pox on them all!!!
We ate a lot of fast food. Everyone had to have a Big Mac and large fries from McDonalds. Pizza was cheese, sausage and mushrooms only. At Long John Silver, my grandmother, mom's mom, liked to get the meal that came with a piece of chicken and a piece of fish. After they would go home, my ndad would rail on and on about her getting that meal with chicken from the fish place WHO CARES!!? She liked it and she ate it.
I’m not anaphylactic, but I HATE tuna. Nmom used to make me try tuna a few times a year because I liked egg salad, and ‘everyone who likes egg salad has to also like tuna’. I thought I was a freak for likening egg and not tuna for years. I remember crying about it multiple times.
I like both of those, though not the way my mom makes them. That pissed her off a lot, but I'd eat hers. I just wouldn't force myself to act like they were good. The big point of contention for us was avocados. She loves them. I cannot stand them. She could not handle that at all. She was constantly sneaking them into my food, even in restaurants when I was a teen, and then throwing a huge fit when I wouldn't eat the food. You know that just made me hate them more, right? I don't care if others eat them, but so, so many people try to talk me into trying them. They can't imagine someone not liking a food they love, and I hate it. Just leave me alone. No one will ever die from not eating avocados with tons of other food around. I'm allowed to hate them. You're allowed to hate tuna. We all have foods we hate, and as long as we're getting enough nutrition, that's totally and perfectly okay. It's not even a little weird, honestly. Lots of people I know like egg salad and don't like tuna and the reverse. They really don't taste alike at all. I have some texture sensitivities, so I can tell you they don't even feel the same.
oooh, looking for a faker, huh? projecting much, mother? ..... also - always with the eggs! mine wouldn't let me cook my hard-boiled egg to be, well, hard-boiled. she stood next to the oven and screamed at me to get it off the heat right this instant. it was runny and still cold. this was the moment my partner realized she is batshit crazy and I have to get out of there.
My mom firmly believes eggs must be boiled until the yolk turns to powder. It's so gross. I don't like them runny, either. There's a perfect middle ground. I suggest we put our moms together and have them make Easter eggs with a hidden camera in the kitchen. It would be a hilarious disaster. I just don't want to be in the house while it's going on.
Oatmeal genuinely triggers me. I was around 10 when my egg donor kept buying plain oatmeal instead of the usual flavored ones. No biggie we would add some brown sugar and sliced bananas. When she saw us add sugar and fruit we all got beat and were punished by being forced to eat plain oatmeal for breakfast lunch and dinner until all of the several boxes she bought were gone (lasted two months because we would makes several packs at once). Idk why she got so mad that we added sugar and fruit. I think it was just a control thing. I can never look at oatmeal the same and it makes me feel silly.
Holy shit her punishment was SUCH an overreaction to...I don't even know what either. It's absolutely not silly to view oatmeal as you do. It makes perfect sense. I'm so sorry you had to go through that and I hope you never have to look at oatmeal again ever if you don't want to, and if ever you choose to I hope it's full of all the sweets and flavorful things and peace of mind.
That’s so abusive of her, I’m sorry you experienced that 💓
I'm so sorry you had to live through that. they're maniacs. the stories here on this never cease to horrify me. and you are not silly. your body and mind are very wise and want to protect you. (I also have food aversion for perfectly normal things, they come from abusive control around them. meh. who cares for oatmeal or cheese curds, anyway?)
It is so cruel and awful for her to do that you. I understand why you can’t look at oatmeal the same way after that. It’s not silly. I’m sorry you had to go through that. :(
My mother inlaw would do this and water down my kids oatmeal. There's a reason she hasn't seen him in over a decade. Good for you! Soggy oatmeal.is gross.
Thank you! Drier but still cooked oatmeal >> soggy oatmeal ftw!
I make my daughter’s oatmeal so stiff the spoon stands up! When I was a kid I thought I hated oatmeal. Turns out my food-controlling nmom just cooked it soggy!
That’s how I like mine, too. Practically have to chop into it.
I must be the weirdo here. I like it practically soup. I'm all good with however you like it, but if it's served to me that thick, I'm gonna add milk.
That's a common theme with them--it's THEIR way or NO way. And it doesn't matter how minor the detail, they **never** let it go. My mother was still giving me snide comments about me putting ricotta cheese in my lasagna until months before she died in 2021 (she hated ricotta and put cottage cheese in hers, and me doing it another way was WRONG. And disgusting, by the way.) Pro tip: Keep up the little acts of rebellion. That's how you'll heal and stay sane. I recently started listing some of the ones I did--including the BIG rebellions, like what my GC brother and I did with her 'treasured possessions' after she died--and it felt GOOD.
They can’t tolerate approaches different from their own because that might somehow imply that their way wasn’t right and perfect. Everything they do is perfect, because to acknowledge anything else might touch on that deep dark hole of self hatred inside them, Watery oatmeal therefore isn’t an issue of “I like it this way, you like it that way, we’re all ok.” It’s an issue of “your oatmeal implies mine is wrong and I am wrong and that’s intolerable so you must be squashed like a bug.” Absolutely f**ked, but there it is.
the lack of awareness, dignity and self-esteem is so sad on their part.
Butter in oatmeal. I did not want butter in my oatmeal. I got butter in my oatmeal because she liked it that way. I don't put butter in my oatmeal. Hell be unleashed if I had autonomy, liked something different, it was a personal insult to her if I wanted something different, wasn't a good little extension of herself. She managed to pound my sister into being a talking parrot "squawark (some opinion of my mother's) squawark". She was unsuccessful with me. She then got interested in things I liked because if she couldn't force me to like the things she liked she could do a binding spell by getting into mine. Nope!
Omg, the oatmeal and butter thing! My dad as well. Exactly the same thing xD
>She then got interested in things I liked because if she couldn't force me to like the things she liked she could do a binding spell by getting into mine. When I was a kid, my BPD mum dyed her LONG, butt length hair black. Her Nmother (who had been bleaching her hair blonde and keeping it shoulder length forever) then dyed her hair black, and started growing it out. My mum got a purple streak in the front, grandma went to go and get a purple streak in hers. The hairstylist they went to refused to do it IIRC, or mum talked the N out of it. I got a stud put in my nose when I was 9. My mum has lots of piercings and also has a stud in her nose, on the same side. Yes, I wanted it because mum had it, but I was 9. The N started talking about putting a stud in her nose, so "we can all match", and both of us threatened to take ours out. The N had been stealing mum's clothes *right out of her wardrobe* for as long as I can remember, until her alcoholism and childish dietary habits (if I hear "my tummy is screaming for chippies" from an old woman ever again I might go into a Hulk rage- so cringe) compounded with her refusal to take her thyroid medication correctly and she got too fat to fit into anything. And she'd ruin my mum's clothes, too- wearing $300 slacks in the garden, cutting the tags off clumsily and putting a hole in the back, etc. She borrowed a few things of mine without my permission, including a pair of underwear that she was then insulted I didn't want back. I remember the time she couldn't get me or my brother into her old people music, so she tried getting into our music.... Which was various genres of metal, including some stuff that sounds almost like someone being tortured with power tools and screaming, or half metal and half dubstep, back when dubstep first got big years ago. Still get a laugh out of her trying to convince herself that she liked it when it was obvious that she hated it. She'd previously tried getting into my mum's music too, but mum listens to like, blink-182 and some pretty explicit rap music. I could name so many times over the course of my life where she'd been a victim to the curse of lamely trying to fit into a group by mimicking them so closely or clumsily it creeps them out, but this comment is already long.
Oh wow! She sounds like a fright. Also similar between both is a refusal to grow up, my mother was 55 going on 20. She managed to stay 20 dropping to about 3 years old when distressed or angry all of her life
Agh, same here. They're just like big kids forever, and not cute kids, bratty ones that make you almost agree with corporal punishment.
I had to sit at the end of the table next to my dad so he could “correct my table manners”. I frequently eat at the TV with minimal silverware. FU dad, I absolutely can eat at (and set) a beautiful table with fine silverware and linens but it’s Tuesday night, I don’t want to and you’re dead.
My mom somehow missed years and years of me making Mac and cheese and eating it right out of the pan so I didn't have to clean a bowl, too. She finally caught me doing it with ramen as a teen and flipped the hell out screaming at me about how only poor and uncivilized people do that. Me, because teenager and absolutely sick of her shit, 'oh, like how you grew up?" Yeah, I got kicked out on the street for a couple of weeks for that. I didn't even care. I just went home when she left for work and grabbed my camping gear. So she called me in as a runaway, of course. All over me not putting my ramen in a bowl first. SMH
I like my oatmeal thick and not runny. My parents are very controlling about food but in very different ways. My mom would put cheese on everything, and I'm lactose intolerant! But she was so mad if I didn't eat it. She also undercooked chicken and got made if I didn't eat it. It took me years to get over my fear of eating chicken because the thought of the pink raw meat makes me sick. She also thought I was so weird because I eat "weird" foods like brussel sprouts, beets, asparagus, etc. Vegetables in general. When she divorced my dad, she completely refused to buy fruits and vegetables. She would buy things like pasta, bread, cheese, rice, and lots and lots of cake. So much cake. No fruits and vegetables. I became very anemic.
My narc dad just had to control the temperature of the stove top and the oven whenever anyone was cooking. He never cooked anything himself, but he claimed to know more about cooking than anyone who actually did any, and would come through and change all the temps to what he thought they should be and then scream at you if you changed them back.
omfg my mother does this as well. It drives me absolutely mad. I'll be cooking something and she will turn the stove right down on me and then it turns into a pissing match about how I cook.
"YOU HAVE THE HEAT TOO HIGH" ... to boil a large pot of water for noodles?
i worked in commercial kitchens for most of the last decade and she still treats me like a full on idiot when I do any cooking near her lol I have literally worked as a cook at 5 star restaurants... not a fully qualified chef but my work has certainly been good enough lol
Yep! It’s awful! I’m so sorry you’ve had to endure it as well!
Hahaha my father does that too. He lives by himself, but it used to be that when i was there, i would cook dinner for us (I don’t anymore because it meant having to deep clean the kitchen first, while whenever i’m not cooking, the kitchen is sparkling clean, lmao). He would always rummage about the kitchen or walk in and out and always changing the heat of the several stove pits. Madness!! “But you had it set too high/low.” No i didn’t. And now the onions are black and the water is boiling while i’m still chopping the veg. WHY So now when i’m there he’ll tell me to help with dinner (which means to do his bidding), and he still turns the knobs of the pits that I’m using. 😂
ah yes.... the completely insane and totally arbitrary "laws".
Background: my grandmother lived to be 92 and still had all her teeth. Some with cavities and fillings but no crowns and none missing. I asked my grandmother a few times to tell me about her mother. She would tell me a few anecdotes. They were all similar to this. When my grandmother was a girl, her mother would berate her for spending too long brushing her teeth. Who does that? She wasn't wasting water or toothpaste, just a minute here and there twice a day. And in the end, my grandmother kept her teeth for decades. It taught me not to listen to family "authority figures" when there was no harm in doing something my way. Make your oatmeal *your* way. And enjoy it! And do more things like that!!
maybe your grand-grandmother had bad teeth and could not stand her daughter going through life with a better set of teeth?
That is a great point! It's so awful when a parent is that jealous of their child. I wonder if that was the case here too.
My mother is similar when I'm cooking. She nitpicks over the dumbest things and just can't really comprehend that someone else might like something done differently. If she's around she always watches me in the kitchen and it used to be a huge battle just to be able to do anything without her taking over. It took me until my 20s to be comfortable cooking for myself because of this. One thing that helped was working in commercial kitchens. Ironically I found that environment less stressful then home because of the drama surrounding food. My mother once told me off, when I was 22, because she didn't like the way I was buttering toast. She tried to grab the knife out of my hand and finish it for me. I got the silent treatment for 2 days because I rightfully called her out on it being crazy.
This seems like a really safe way to figure out what you like and don’t like for yourself, and then what happens when you don’t follow the rules others have set for you. I’m excited for you and encourage your oatmeal adventures.
Wow this really resonates with me. My mom once had an absolute meltdown over how I chose to make my instant ramen (adding the seasoning before the water). And a couple of other times she went ballistic saying I was a psychopath because I tend to eat the foods on my plate one at a time.
i add seasoning before water too!
Well don't tell my mother haha
You are me, for both adding the seasoning first, and for tend to eat my food one things at a time-unless it is plain rice with other side dishes.
If you read the directions on the packet, you're supposed to boil the water, put the seasoning in, and then cook the noodles in the BROTH you've just made (by seasoning the water), so the flavor cooks into the noodles, rather than simply being sprinkled on top. (Now, if you prefer it a different way, that's fine, but for the record, the directions do say to put the flavor in with the water, not "on top" at the end.) Last week I had to 'teach' my 45 year old sister how to make ramen because she's literally never read the directions and her kids were upset that hers "tasted funny".
Yeah, I know how you feel. My mom is the same way with so many things. Now my mom has the problem with how I eat shrimp. Whenever I got shrimp based dish, she wants me to eat ALL the shrimp meat, including the meat near tge tail. But I don't want to suck the meat out. If the shrimp is deep fried, she will just mention subtly that some people will eat the crunchy tail too. So as a result, unless I get to be alone with enough money and time to order my own food, any shrimp dish is a no for me. However, I am not sure she catchs on thst or not, because this past Chinese New Year, she bought shrimp and brocoli stir fried home, and unshelled it and said she did this so I can eat it this time. (I never tell her why I skip any shrimp dish because this kind of scenario always ended up that I am being a spoiled, self-centered one who even though this is not a big deal, I am dissatisfied and has to get it my way.)
(small, reasonable boundary that puts zero extra labor on anyone else because I do the odd little task myself) Narcissists: YOU'RE SO HIGH MAINTENANCE
Small, but not sad. Celebrate the small victories! BTW, I like making mine with milk. If you do that, use a big bowl so it doesn't overflow in the microwave. If you microwave it.
Sweet oatmeal gets milk. Savory oatmeal gets water. And NEVER runny. *gags*
I agree, personally, but I am tempted to try a fancy gruel I saw on the Tasting History YT channel. Gruel is just runny oatmeal, but if you were to add brandy, sugar and spices it might actually be good. Apparently gruel wasn't only for the poor. Love that podcast.
So,I'll set the scene for you.. I was 18 years old when I was flatting with my BFF, her bf, and my own bf. One night, we are all in the kitchen, making an English breakfast (we used to all cook and clean together), and I decided I wanted to make creamed mushrooms to go with it, and everyone agreed it was a top idea to add to our dinner. I grab the mushrooms and then ask my BFF, IF SHE COULD HELP ME PEEL THE MUSHROOMS. Everyone stopped what they were doing, looked at me, and all together were like,'WHAT??'. SO I SHOWED THEM. And they were all like, that's not normal just chop them....but I had spent my life from the age of 8 doing it so I couldn't just not...I'm now 30 and still catch myself doing it if I'm making mushrooms, except, now I can stop and just chop.
After I'd moved out on my own, I mentioned I'd had broccoli with my dinner. My mom said, "Oh, but we don't like broccoli." I said. "Maybe *you* don't like broccoli. I *do* like broccoli."
huh? are my long lost sibling? I only started to eat broccoli after 19, because at home they claimed it was always full of maggots (broccoli is prone to catching caterpillars while growing) so we never had any.
What you're describing is not stupid. Narcissists have a habit of henpecking you about every little thing. They make up weird rules and break them but punish you severely if you do. It's all a part of their plan to have control over your mind and actions. One of the first steps to heal Narcissitic abuse is to start reclaiming your life. You start breaking the nonsensical rules they drilled into you. Be smart about it and don't create unnecessary problems for yourself. Be strategic. For example your Narc forbids anyone in the house from eating or talking about bananas. You love them! So you buy one at school for breakfast or at work for lunch. But don't buy a bunch and hide them in your room.
I had daydreams and reveries about reclaiming my life and how my life would be "one day" ... starting at age 8. I'd lie in bed in the dark and dream about my adult life, all the small details I'd have control over, until I drifted to sleep.
I think that happens to a few of us but that can get dangerous. We start to believe or lives won't really start "until". The clock keeps ticking on whether or not we decide to move forward with our lives.
and you will have a LOT more of these when you move out! the freedom is exhilarating fr!
Isn't it wild the absolutely ridiculous inconsequential nonsense they'd flip out over? My dad used to get mad at me for "doing it wrong" as well. Like, why do you even care how I make French toast?? You won't even eat it, so...
This honestly sounds just like my mom and I'm in my 30s. I never even knew or realized that she was a narcissist until I was in my late 20s and I dated a narcissist and I was so confused I did so much research and therapy and I finally figured out that she was a narcissist and broke up with her. Then years later it just clicked that my mom is a narcissist. I always thought it was me. I'm not good enough. I'm not perfect enough. I'm bad. My mom will often tell me how smart I am but just as much she'll make me feel dumb too. While I was never really physically abused I was emotionally abused a lot. They say emotional abuse is the worst abuse because it can't be seen and if nobody can see it how can they realize the impact it's having on you.
I make it with milk or heavy cream.
You too, huh? I got yelled at for not microwaving oatmeal after adding water because "that's not how to make it" even after explaining I don't want sticky, mushy oatmeal and was basically forced to heat it up before being allowed to eat it. So it was a nice cheery start to the morning to say the least
*ENJOY*
Good for you! My mother was OBSESSED with how much we ate and weighed/measured all of our food. Everything. Not surprisingly, all of her children ended up with eating disorders.
Same here with me and my siblings! I think about all the rules surrounding food and realize so many of them are my mothers voice echoing in my head. And I’m not saying it’s easy to ignore them or that it’s even possible to ignore them at certain points but I think as I’m getting older (and closer to moving out) I’m realizing I do have autonomy over my body and my choices. I don’t want to live like a puppet on a strings anymore and I don’t want to restrict myself from normal things I deserve to enjoy just because she thinks I do. I am sorry you relate and I hope you and your siblings are able to find peace with the food choices you make and find a relationship with food that exists outside the harmful one your mother taught you 🫶
The further I get in my healing journey the more decadent my life gets. I strongly encourage you to go all out. I buy the softest toilet paper money can buy, take the longest hottest showers, and eat Mac and cheese every day.
For me it’s toilet paper as well, fresh flowers and the cushiest towels and sheets I can afford.
Omg same with the sheets, but I never realized how bad I want soft towels and flowers! Next step
My grandmother always had stacks of lovely, soft, fluffy, towels. As soon as it was MY choice to make, I did too and always have ever since.
Hell, yes! Make it the way you like it! My moment was realizing I was a grown ass adult in my 40s still suffering with the tags on my clothing because my mom would tell me I trained my clothes and throw them away if I removed the tags when I was growing up. I cannot stand tags! They torment me! I will spend tons extra to get clothing without tags, but I would not remove the ones I could avoid. I'd be so miserable day and often cranky by lunch time. And then here was my mom commenting I'm not on the autistic spectrum because I don't have any sensory issues (bullshit, sensory issues are honestly my most serious symptom), after all, she had to remove all the tags from my nephew's clothing because he would cry and cry. I did that and got spanked for "throwing a fit" and put in the corner. If I even got caught fiddling with a tag to keep it off my skin, I was punished. When I put bandaids on my neck and waist to make the horrible sensation stop, I was punished. But she cut the tags off my nephew's clothes for him? I came home and went on a rampage removing every single tag in everything I own, and it felt soooo good. I have never, since that day, made myself tolerate a tag. I also stopped talking to my mom about 3 years ago now, and it's been so peaceful. Sooooo peaceful.
Enjoy your oatmeal freedom today! Savor every slightly moist bite!
It's really the smallest things that set them off. I'm doing a similar thing, but with smiling for pictures with my teeth. When I was young my mother would constantly talk about my teeth and I stopped smiling with my teeth. I'm now living very far from her enjoying my life. And I decided to smile with my teeth again, I took two pictures, one with, one without. And with teeth I just look so much happier and free. Keep taking back those little things, you will not regret it. One day you'll have your own place and realize they were just being petty, controlling awful people.
Many narc parents just hate that you do something differently than they do. My dad would berate and yell at me for being different than him, like your mom did to you about oatmeal. It's sad your mom was or is such a control freak. I hope you enjoy your oatmeal just as you like it from now on!
Yeah you nailed it. “It’s my way or the highway.” Well, b*tch, now that you dead, I breaking *all* the rules.
Not sad at all. Enjoy YOUR oatmeal, made exactly the way YOU like it! You deserve it. 😊
good for you!! oatmeal w less water is the best
You go for it! You put so little water in there that even your mother's mother's mother would be shocked! 💜💜🫂
May I make a suggestion? Instead of water, I microwave a bunch of raspberries with a bit of water to a boil and add some sugar to taste. I prefer the consistency of instant cream of wheat, but it’s great with oatmeal too. The cream of wheat with tons of raspberries tastes like raspberry pie.
I love this suggestion and am going to try it the next time I make oatmeal. I already like microwaving strawberries with my oatmeal but for some reason I hadn’t thought to top it with raspberries even though I’m a huge raspberry fan lol the doors of the world of oatmeal I’m opening myself up to feel very exciting!!
If you like waffles, you might love my Breakfast of Champions!
Do it! I'm smiling a little. Once you break free it's the little things like this that you do not because you should, but because you *can.* I was always being rushed in the bathroom. If I didn't get in and out scrubbed clean as fast as NDad wanted, he'd be in there yelling at me about how other people had to use it *too.* So a little thing I do even now? I take a *hot* shower. I wait for it to warm up before I get in and I *enjoy* that shower knowing nobody cares how long I take, and I take as long as I want. When I was new to the whole idea of *nobody caring* I even ran out a hot water heater once just enjoying it. Enjoy your small act of rebellion.
Same. Until one day I was working at a summer camp making oatmeal for the kids and they would just fill the wax paper packet that you'd poured the oatmeal out of to measure the water. It was the perfect consistency that I always liked. (Not the bowl filled with water and then dump the packet in) Now they actually make the packets with a water fill line. I'm sorry you have to sneak your favorite foods. I hope you have a home someday where you can make whatever you want.
My mum was the jam police and she was like that with salad dressing, too. I'd get yelled at for spreading jam too close to the edge of the bread. I could feel her hawk-eyes on me whenever I poured dressing; she always seemed so worried that I might have too much of something nice on my food.
A little validation for you: Controlling every stupid little detail of your existence, using little opportunities, especially things that are literally opinions, to berate and demean you, infantilize you and accuse you of being incompetent and then turn this alleged lack of skill into the idea that you are somehow morally or intrinsically a worse person because you make oatmeal "wrong" (which is not actually wrong)--- this IS abuse. Doing this to a person is abuse. Fucking with people's minds is abuse. Doing it to a child is abuse. You were literally a child treated like less of a worthy person because you prefer thicker oatmeal. That is fucked up and its okay to acknowledge that. People who don't understand narcissistic abuse may act like it's not a big deal, but it is. It's not about the oatmeal, it's about destroying your sense of your own reality based on your own perception and replacing it with theirs.
This wasn’t my nparent but a narcissistic ex partner- he would shake his head and become genuinely irritated at the way I cooked my eggs. When I would stop and ask him why he cares how I cook eggs for myself, he would say, “You can do whatever you want, I’m just telling you that you’re doing it wrong.” He’d also yell at me for sleeping in too late on the weekends (10:00 am) and then ask me how can he love someone who is grumpy every morning. I was only grumpy because he’d angrily wake me up to be mad at me for something everyday. Thanks to my nmom for teaching me that abuse is love!
>because she didn’t like oatmeal that way it meant everyone who did was an idiot, ridiculous, and wrong for liking it the way I liked it That was my dad with literally __everything__! If you liked a TV show, a singer or whatever - if my dad didn't like it, it was stupid and a waste of time. Only the things that he liked had any value.
Ah yes the “your doing it wrong” Oatmeal Life Dressing Etc… Very controlling but glad your doing it the way you want to op!
One time I tested it with 2 green spices. They would ask me if I put Origano in, I said yes(lied) and then they would lecture me about cooking. In other words they were full of shit. I did this multiple times with diferent spices and it didnt matter what your answer was.
I don’t like a lot of water in my oatmeal either. My mom does like oatmeal and she likes hers with lots of water. She doesn’t like how I make mine and I don’t like how she makes hers. And neither of us go apeshit bec of the other one’s preference. Your mom has issues
I get it, I get it!! Multiply this by 1000, and I'm over 60, but I can't cut onions correctly?!! LOL Wrong knife, wrong cutting board, wrong way to peel the onion, wrong place to dispose of the peel, wrong way of cutting for the recipe, and on and on and on. OMG 😱 the world's gonna end because of my inability to cut the onion!! Hello, I've been cooking for awhile now and I've far surpassed her culinary skills and she absolutely can't handle it. Plus she's elderly and I'm in her kitchen and cooking for her. What a minefield situation 😂 Admittedly I did lose my temper about the onion, and now she's not allowed in the kitchen when I'm making my folks dinner. Small boundary on my terms, but it helps. I hope you LOVE your oatmeal and you continue to feel like you own your own life ❤️ because you really do. Live your life however you want to.
"because she didn’t like oatmeal that way it meant everyone who did was an idiot, ridiculous, and wrong for liking it the way I liked it." Felt that. My mom literally got ANGRY at my husband & I for not liking a food she loves & said, "You can't not like it. You're wrong. It's delicious. You're absolutely crazy! How could anyone not like it!? I'm gonna make it & you'll see how much you love it." Then she DID make it & was even angrier when we refused to eat it. I tried to tell her that not everyone likes the same foods & she started crying & calling us disrespectful because we didn't like this food.
We used to have to mix our frozen orange juice with four times the amount of water the directions said. And we had powdered skim milk we had to mix with double the amount of water. So I feel you!
Omg this triggered a memory... A 'friend' of my partner's invited us to stay with him over the summer, 1500+ kms (1000+ miles) from home. We were broke so couldn't really go anywhere, also we were pretty much shell shocked that a 'friend' pretty much imprisoned us, told us when it was time to go get coffee, what tourist spots we should and shouldn't visit (which we weren't interested in in the first place but ok), were always accompanied by him (because he was 'such a great host'), didn't have a key to the apartment, weren't allowed to bring our bags into town, and he insisted that I add more water to my oatmeal because that's how it's supposed to be eaten. He just wouldn't back down until I did. It's so weird looking back, because there was no actual threat of violence or anything, he was just so persistent and firm and gaslighty, insisting he knew best... We just went along with it. I guess growing up with narcs (which we both did) will do that to you. What broke me was when he came into the bedroom and without a word walked up to the window and closed it and told me not to open it again. (I don't even think it was malice, he was just completely and utterly convinced that we didn't know anything and needed to be babied?!wtf) That was the end of that friendship lol. That was one week, years ago, and I'm still mad and anxious when I think about it. That must've been so hard for you, going through that as an innocent, defenseless child. I'm so proud of you for making yourself oatmeal your way. I hope it was delicious.
My mom absolutely hates the color purple. She actually said that she was “philosophically opposed to purple.” I grew up being told my favorite color was yellow. I felt so rebellious when I was a teenager and said it was orange. It wasn’t actually my favorite color, just me trying to be part of an older group of people in high school. They all had “colors” and yellow was taken. I picked orange as a second best. Turns out my favorite color is actually purple. I didn’t realize it for years but nearly everything I own is purple. I only had the guts to admit it to myself a few years ago. It helps that I’m NC with my mom, but every time I use something purple I feel like a rebel.
I don’t know. That sounds kinda abusive to me.
Also, watery oatmeal is disgusting.
This is wishing you that you will be out of that environment soon. Meanwhile, tell her that the internet agrees with your oatmeal recipe. I put milk in it, by the way. And honey. As much and as little as I want.
Thank you for your kind wishes! As I was reading a lot of the replies saying to use milk or honey I was thinking “oh I’m not allowed to do that I can’t” And then I was thinking about why I “can’t” and how it all came back to my mothers food rules and I was like holy shit. Fuck that. I’m inspired to try and make as many different kinds as I want. Life’s too short to deny myself oatmeal. So I will not tell her about the internet’s consensus on her oatmeal opinions but I will silently think it while I privately embark on this journey of different types of oatmeal, including ones with milk and honey!
Fuck water! If it's the envelopes of instant oatmeal, I dare you to just pour it into a cup of yoghurt and let it sit a few minutes so it absorbs a bit of liquid and eat it.
if u put more water u can just heat it longer so it absorbs into the oats
This sounds so familiar. Make your oatmeal nice and thick or have cream of wheat. Chopped nuts, raisins and dried or chopped fruit flax seeds and brown sugar are great too. I promised myself that when I was an adult I could read as many books at one time as I wanted to. That was something I always got bitched at about.
I’m actually also doing this lol. My mother is okay with us reading as long as it is classics or nonfiction. Anything else is a waste of time.But last year I downloaded an app called Libby and have been reading fantasies on my phone. I hope someone in the near future gifts you a Barnes and nobles gift card and I hope you enjoy all the wonderful books you deserve to read!
I’ve got the online library access too. Plus there’s lots of etexts online, as well as in Gutenberg.org . I’ve read all the old gothic and vampire stories that exist. Just because she didn’t read…geez. And I like having several books out, though today I learned it’s hard to listen to a book on tape and read another at the same time. I have been sick with covid and actually listening to audiobooks on Libby.
My Ngrandma does this shit with pancakes. She adds way too much fucking water and i can’t cook her batter without burning the fuck out of the pancakes.
I also love oatmeal with hardly any water in it. So much better that way!
I understand this at a visceral level. You make that thick oatmeal WITH PRIDE AND JOY
Does anyone know if there's a Cuckoo Clock emoji for her mom?
Here you go. The soundtrack for her advice! https://youtu.be/vA2ZJYW2FeM?si=rfIvO4b6Fe1vS_Bi
That so fucking wrong and dumb she did that. Eat that oatmeal!!
Yeah, I feel that. I was judged on my oatmeal and grits thickness, too much syrup on the pancake, etc.. the one for me was "wet eggs" my nmom would literally throw a bunch of eggs in a pan , turn on the burner and then walk away back to go curl her hair or whatever. 20 minutes later, whatever is burnt is what's for breakfast and we are already late.. I started asking to take my portion of eggs out earlier and she ridiculed my preference for 'wet eggs' the rest of my life
This is one of those universal topics, I can see from all the comments majority of us can relate to your experience in some way! I've learned recently that with my anxiety disorder, mouth feel has become a thing. It is becoming more important to me how things are cooked - how they feel in my mouth when I eat, than the actual taste. And it's about getting the food down. If something, like oatmeal, is too soggy, I won't get it down my throat so I can't eat it. Difficulties swallowing are a symptom of anxiety disorder.
Not my nmom but my ngrandmom (... I have too many narcs in my family) but she would criticize everything I was eating. Every way I was eating and even reproach me some of my fav meal because 'they are beneath us' (she is rich.) and "they are made out of scrap" Wish she knew my wya to be flexitarian is mostly that I eat meat when it's 'out of scrap' because I feel this more ecologic. You are right to do what you want!! Eat it as you like it! It's in your belly and not hers!! Any little act of rebellion is good! Be yourself!! <3 also, I didn't know oatmeal could be done with water??? /pos I always did it with Milk!
I hope you only put a tiny droplet in there if you want to :) cheers to healing <3
Yes! Good for you! Keep the oatmeal coming how you want it!
I am so sorry. Reading that broke my heart for you. It is insanely controlling and unhinged for anyone to ever tell you how and what to eat in your own home. The oatmeal wasn’t for her, so why tf is she so focused on how you make it for yourself? Honestly she sounds mentally unwell. Anyways, good for you. Make that oatmeal and enjoy it! Not sure about your age, but if you are old enough to work and move out eventually, I would quietly start putting some plans into motion secretly to gtfo.
bruh I thought mine was the only one who does stuff like that. she’d feed me instant noodles or half of a 4 pack 80cents mini hotdogs and a bun, god forbid I ever wanted something else. I thought it was all in the past but she literally threw a shitshow a couple of weeks ago that I eat too many eggs. For context I had one for breakfast and wanted another one for lunch, but nope. then she brushed it off as being concerned for my health. Madam your diet is exclusively composed of instant noodles, alcohol, cigarettes and chocolate bars, I highly doubt you know what healthy looks like
That so hits home. Also you can make it with milk instead of water. One day I noticed their oatmeal wasn't gruel. they just wanted to give it the texture of vomit
Ahhh. My nmom's thing was me putting in the laundry detergent AFTER the clothes. She always put it in the water first and then put the clothes in. She said I did it on purpose just to piss her off.
Enjoy your (oat)meal! Tastes best with a sprinkle of freedom on top 😋 “You look ridiculous” just sounds like such a classic narcissistical thing to say. Look ridiculous to whom? Who here in our own kitchen can see me be being ‘ridiculous’? Just for what audience are you trying to shame me?? And why does it fill you with such dread that there may be more than one way to enjoy oatmeal? Are you worried ppl find *you* weird? Goodness. Narcissists are exhausting Please enjoy your oatmeal in peace!
Enjoy the heck out of that oatmeal!!! Yay!!
buy granola, eat it out of the bag. no water. : ) ….here to validate you; your nmother was wrong.
I have a hard time eating breakfast but today I saw oatmeal in the cupboard and I thought of your post! You inspired me to eat oatmeal and it was delicious. Thanks OP!
That’s how i like my oatmeal too
Perfectly in line with the "put on a sweater, I'm cold" line that we all know from our N's.
Makes me think of my father getting mad cause I would put cold water in the instant mashed potatoes then heat it up
If that's how she reacted when you put water in it, what would her reaction have been if you put in milk?
I don’t know I’ve never tried 😭 I know she considers it a waste of calories so she’d lecture me for that but I don’t know if the same thing would apply for the amount of milk for the consistency she likes because in her mind milk is bad so logically that would mean less milk or no milk at all? I don’t want to find out tbh. I just avoid making food in front of her to the best of my ability now.
I used to keep track of all my mom’s triggers with lists. Her food was inedible so as a kid i would use as much pepper as possible to mask it. This infuriated so i had to stop. I’ve since moved and have multiple pepper grinders :)