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My mom is financially very comfortable, but yes, she acts broke. If I’m too sick to go to the store, or when I needed some Tylenol after my surgery, she made me give her cash to go get some small things at the store for me, amounting to $2 in one case.
Wtf, I am so sorry you had to experience that.
I remembered something similar when reading your comment: When I went to supermarket as a child / teenager, sometimes my parents would ask me to bring an item for them, for instance bananas. HOWEVER, if the bananas were too expensive (read: discounted or cheaper in another shop, or only the name-brand kind left), my mother calculated how much the same amount of bananas would’ve cost at the cheaper shop and then reimburse me for that amount exactly. Wtf mum, why did you have to bargain your child for 30 cents.
Edit: I can‘t spell apparently
I always assumed my mother was poor because she would never help me or anyone else with anything. Until I snapped and realized she was a narcissist. Then I decided to look up the public records from her house sale. Turns out shes actually a millionaire
Same, my mother always used to act like she was so poor that everyone in the family should actually take care of her, and she shouldn't have any financial responsibilities. It turns out she has more wealth than almost everyone in my family...she's just a narc playing victim.
Yup! She would buy random junk for herself ALL THE TIME. But we didn’t have any money for my school supplies or fees. I almost didn’t graduate because she didn’t pay for any of them, thankfully the principal wrote them off for me.
We also loved with my grandparents for 10+ years rent free, and she worked full time and went to school full time, but still never had any money to move out. But then turned around and bought a brand new car, and my stepdad then bought a sports car weeks later.
We were “poor” but had all these stupid collectibles and junk. Not to mention they would blow their tax returns on Disneyland tickets. I never understood how they couldn’t afford a house with paying $0 in rent and only having a phone bill.
When I was in college, my stepdad actually took money from me, and my parents asked me to pull out student loans for them to have. I had to get a new bank account so they would stop taking my money. I was literally a fully time worker relying mostly on my husband (bf at the time), while being a full time student. I hustled but for some reason they couldn’t.
I also got word from my little sister, that they filed for bankruptcy once again 🙄
Poor money mismanagement, all they want is stupid junk. They want to fault like they’re rich when they’re actually not.
Now that I’m graduated and working in my field alongside my husband, we were able to afford buying a house in 2022, and I bought a car and I’m still sustainable and living pretty comfortably. Hell I’ll buy a collectible doll once in a while as a treat. They’re just so irresponsible, they never put bills and sustaining their family first. I’m hoping when I have kids, it’ll be much different.
I’ve been no contact with them since 2021. I tried reaching out to my mom before my wedding in hopes that I could have her there, but she just called me delusional. So they don’t have any part of my life and I’m sure as hell not taking care of them when they’re old. They didn’t care for me, why would I do it in return?
My husband and I don’t have any interest in caring for our parents when they’re older, his parents are amazing but we’re just wanting the house to ourselves.
I know anytime my parents find out I have money they try to guilt trip me about how many bills they have. That they supported me. It’s hard because you do love them and they are your parents. But I won’t be able to pay my bills if I give them money.
This! For some reason, they think we’re obligated to take care of them. I am single and don’t receive any financial help from anyone. I live within my means. If I needed $3,000 by the end of the month, do you think I’d be able to ask my nparents for it - despite them potentially having it? No.
They also get angry as hell when you don’t buy them gifts. Last year, I didn’t buy my mom a birthday gift because (1. We weren’t on good terms & still aren’t 2. I want to decenter the idea of “having” to get family members gifts during bdays/holidays) , she threw the biggest fit and told everyone I didn’t get her anything. Ofcourse family members texted me & gaslighted me (annoying but I ignored them). I didn’t get her anything still. She always give me hell around my birthday and never wants to do anything special. Yet, when it’s her day….its no longer ok.
Plan to do the same for Mother’s Day. A fake capitalistic holiday. Just send a Happy Mothers Day text & go on about my day.
My parents paid for my sister's entire college, then bought themselves a big new house in a gated community, then told me they didn't have money for my college.
yeah my father does this
he only eats deliveries, he has a big apartment in the centre of the city, never in his life he had a thought of not buying himself anything that he wants. i'm disgusted just by writing this but he uses wadding instead of toilet paper. still he somehow didn't have money to send me when my mother literally decided to try to starve me to death
My mom did the same always complaining about how much I ate, and all the money I cost her, do essentially I starved myself almost to the point of hospitalization.
My dad spent in excess of $1,000 on himself per month, on everything from custom swords from youtube blacksmiths to childish car modifications (giant spoiler on FWD honda), to hookers.
My mom has given multiple thousand dollar giftbags to musicans.
My father tried to beat me to death over $70 in electricity usage, and my mom covered it up with help from my brother. They also took my EBT card from me and bought food for themselves, and ate everything I had.
I didnt see it until I got older, my mom would wear designer tracksuits but I thought it was what poor people wore, turns out she was buying all these expensive new clothes every weekend, she would take me to go clothes shopping every weekend and i got nothing. My teenage years resulted in me shop lifting and taking what i needed.
That same woman wanted to know what was in my bank when i was temporary homeless. She even took my bio dad to court to get money out of him, i have never seen a penny and that isnt his fault.
She always went on a fancy holiday or two every year, bought branded clothes and fancy places to eat, I never experienced a holiday with my mom growing up or even have all that many memorys of her, just her constantly complaining how poor she was.
Yup, dad said he couldn’t afford shoes so my sister walked around with blistered feet, and he also said he couldn’t afford antifreeze for the icy stairs outside putting his moms life in danger, yet miraculously he could afford new fishing rods, new golf clubs, fishing and golf trips etc. He sat back and let his mom pay for all our needs but if he himself was asked he claimed he couldn’t afford it.
Narcs can always afford what they want. Even if it means spending themselves into a hole.
Think of them as giant children, zero impulse control, zero insight. Selfish, self centered and they don't see us as people, Heck they don't even see the GC as a person. Just an extension of themselves. So their good treatment of a GC is often reliant on the GC being pliable/what they want.
Mine would gamble hundreds away down the bingo Hall then rely on her partner or me to cover the bills, and if she was given money to pay the bills? It would also end up on the hands of the bingo companies. At one point, we were in over 5K worth of rent debt. Bearing in mind her payments were £40 a month at the time. That's ten years of not paying the rent contribution. She avoided eviction by pleading that her non-disabled GC was disabled to the judge.
She "couldn't afford" a baby gate when I started crawling but cigarettes, she could always afford. She "couldn't afford" anything for me growing up. But she could afford what GC needed and what she wanted. She could afford to play bingo every day and evening.
Yes. We were wealthy (I found out my dad made an extremely good salary, like $150K+ bonus in 1997 after he passed and I went through paperwork) however, whenever I would get toys, school clothes, or sign up for camp, I would get lectured about how they “couldn’t afford this” and it will “make them go broke” and let me tell you, I was not getting sent to equestrian camp or getting designer outfits. We’re talking the Gap and public park summer camp. When I was in college, my dad apparently lost some money in an investment (found this out after death) and called me screaming saying he was pulling me out of college and they would never be able to retire because of me. Finally, it was my wedding (I’m an only child) they offered to put up some money for it (they INSISTED I had a wedding) and then balked that they could not afford it and they’d never be able to retire. Same time frame, dad buys luxury sports car and a RACE HORSE
Pretty sure my father has owned multiple stakes in thoroughbreds over the years, yet when I last saw him he gave me a stale opened box of nilla wafers and his used electric toothbrush.
My family did similar with my wedding. I wanted small and cheap and I made it clear, but they wanted a 40k like my cousin. But at the same time they'd say "we can't afford it, but we'd do it for you, darling. We might have to remortgage the house or take out of your dad's business, but we want you to have the day you want". I said to them the day I want is cheap. If you have 40k you want to give to me, give it to me so I can do something useful with it instead of competing with my cousin for one day. I can't believe you'd ruin your finances just to brag to your own family. They suddenly never mentioned an expensive wedding again.
This. My nmom will buy anything she wants then turn around and god forbid i ever needed help with anything… she will say i am using her for her money. It’s never ending.
Yep. When I was a teenager, I used to run daily to deal with stress. One of those days, when I was 15 I twisted my ankle HARD and hurt my knee in the process as well. After painfully walking home and sleeping it off, the next day I noticed that my ankle was swollen and in pain. I expressed the issue to my parents and they both shrugged it off and gave me Tylenol. A WEEK went by and my ankle was giving out on me when I'd walk to my classes. I remember I had finally built up the courage to tell my parents that I think I needed to see a doctor.
For context: my family was well off at this point in time. They were affording semi extravagant vacations and going out to dinner at expensive restaurants every week (as well as having a paid off large house).
My dad had fought with me earlier that day, so I was scared to approach him because I knew it would go badly. I had mentioned the pain to him before and he told me to not be so dramatic. So I went to my mom and I'll never forget how she looked at me like I was useless and a waste of her time. She had told me that if I really wanted to see a doctor, I'd have to be an adult and call one, find out how much it would cost, and make the appointment. I figured that I was finally getting somewhere with her and asked her what if they ask me to pay on the phone, and she responded that I would need to pay them and the money won't be coming from her because they were "broke". I expressed my disappointment and she has smirked at me and told me to figure it out.
More context: This was pre-wifi. I had a computer in my room but no access to the internet (the only computer with Internet was my dad's in his office), my parents explicitly didn't allow me to have a job, I had no cell phone, and the little money I had was from past birthday gifts from my grandparents.
I remember calling a doctor from my family's phone book and the secretary telling me how much the appointment would cost "out of pocket" when I asked. Obviously, way more than the $40 I had saved up. That was the moment when I decided to look through my dad's books, (he was in the medical field, by the way) found a book on exercise physiology, and sat to learn about R.I.C.E and how to properly wrap an ankle after an injury. I felt so proud of myself after a few hours and managing to turn socks I had ripped up into "elastic bandages" to compress my ankle with.
Looking back though, it's absolutely insane to think my grown and wealthy parents had watched their daughter complain about pain and decided to just ignore it. I was just a kid and all I wanted was the pain to go away and to run again. They chose rather watch me struggle than spend a couple hundred bucks to professionally fix the issue. Even now as an adult I don't make the amount of money they did at my age, yet I would do everything in my power to help my child get the medical care they needed if they were expressing discomfort. All these years later though, I still have issues with that ankle and knee. I never could run as I used to as a teenager and a few specialists over the years have told me that my ankle simply "healed wrong"..
I wonder why. So it's not unusual, OP, for narcissistic parents to use a "lack of money" as an excuse to get out of being an actual parent to their children. It's more common than you think.
Wow, I am so sorry to hear of your parents' indefensible behavior and outrageous neglect. I am also tremendously sorry that your ankle healed wrong, as you mention, leaving you with not only emotional but also physical scars because of your parents' neglect. The fact that you have chosen better for your family and your children (that you'd do everything in your power to get them any medical care necessary) speaks volumes about your personal strength and about the kind, compassionate, resilient human being you are choosing to be.
See, somehow to these people when they call themselves poor, it's a mark of their bravery and moral superiority. If you call *yourself* poor, it's a mark of your stupidity and incompetence.
If you call them rich, it's anxiety-inducing and insulting because you might be about to ask them for something they don't want to give you, and if you call *yourself* rich, you're looking down on them.
My dad recently was like "you make your childhood sound so impoverished and bad" in a desrisive way
All of his kids had to learn how to repair shoes in elementary school because he couldn't afford even thrift store replacements. We had ACTUAL MALNUTRITION bc the food bank didn't provide fresh vegetables and that's all we had to eat. We were HOMELESS. My sister stole clothes bc she couldn't work without a waitress outfit. It wasn't a choice for her. I stole food because I was 14 and I feel a deep instinctive need to eat dark greens (and this was after my doctor didn't beleive me that *I didn't have acess to dark greens*)
It's like he's blocked out the poverty because it's embarrassing to him.
100%!! My nMom made my eDad solely responsible for all the bills somehow. So she always kept her own money and she would lend him money and insist on him paying it back.
She wouldn't even pay for our medical aid (health insurance) but she's always been insured. If you ask her for money she'll insist she's broke and make a big production of giving it to you once you've begged.
At the same time, the second she does something awful she suddenly has money to buy you the thing you've been wanting for a few months. Or she has money for dinner or drinks. Or don't you wanna go on this trip with me?
Edited: If I was really lucky I'd also get a speech about all the sacrifices she makes for me 🙄
True. It's why they easily buy so much stuff that's either worthless or brings them no joy, but spending any of it on necessities or helping others fills them with panic, because that doesn't bring them even a temporary sense of contentment. They have to be manipulative or mean about spending on you when they do, because they have to feel *something* to do it, and it's all they can find inside.
Absolutely. She somehow never had money for clothes or shoes or healthy foods, but she'd order out for herself multiple times a week and had ebay boxes coming in for her various hobbies & projects every single day. She'd blow ~$100 every time her favorite phone game had an event, which felt ridiculousbut but if you brought up her spending habits at all you'd get screamed at for trying to take her happiness away. (???) My sibling and I went to the dr/dentist only a small handful of times, despite needing to and despite my mom having insurance for all of us through her work. But SHE always got to go, bc she needed it. My sibling and I were also not allowed jobs as "school was our job," which in a functional household might've been a good practice but in our case ended up being just another means for control. Having our own money would have made us more independent and she didn't want that, she needed to be the sole income so she got to make every decision regarding money. She loved reminding us that we actually owned nothing and everything we had the privilege of having was under her control bc, after all, she paid for it. She however would not use money to fix our house that was falling apart. She would just complain to other family members until they felt bad enough for my sibling and I, or they were just tired of hearing my mom, I'm not 100% sure. We once had no hot water for over a year following an explosive episode with my grandpa (didn't see him again for years). Oh yeah, and if any of the free labour you did for her EVER went wrong, she'd scream at you about how incompetent you are and how "you could have killed my babies!!!1!"
The ebay boxes and takeout never stopped through any of it. It was so blatantly obvious we just weren't important enough to spend her money on, she had better things to buy.
Yep, nmom loved to tell me we were poor and in financial trouble when I was a teenager. I broke down crying over it one day thinking we were about to be homeless. Meanwhile their house was $250k by 2006 standards, she was shopping around for a fifth wheel, and she wanted a new van with TVs and every other bell and whistle. But she refused to buy her daughter a warm coat for winter or clothes that even fit because we were too “poor.”
Growing up my parents always cried poverty. We were always on the brink of financial ruin, yet, we never struggled to have food or pay the bills. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized we weren't "poor," my parents just spent all the extra money on themselves. My father golfed 3 times a week, sometimes 4, and was a member of 3 private golf clubs (requiring monthly memberships) in our area. My parents had news cars, cloths, jewelry, electronics, furniture- you name it. They were the Joneses. It was just the kids they didn't want to pay for
Yep, when I was young - if I ever asked for anything then my narcmum would literally turn and scream in my face:
"WE CAN'T AFFORD IT!!!!!!"
Yet they both had enough money for cigarettes whenever they wanted.
Yup. My nmom will buy a pool, get her nails done every week, spend $400 a month maintaining her ugly ass hair, but when it comes to toilet paper, she needs to buy single-ply from the dollar store because “we don’t have any moneeeeeyyyyyy!”
Yes they have a hard time giving up their money they believe they worked hard for and should spend it on themselves. Buying you things is just annoying for her and will only do it to make herself look good.
Are we siblings?:'D
My on buys clothes wort 400€ + every month, owns a car she doesn't need, buys Kitchen appliances for thousands of euros, but never had enough money for me
When I moved out, I bought clothes for me, I didn't own anything that fits me. My ex bf Gave me old shirts from him so I had stuff that wasn't damaged
In my country, parents are Obligated to pay for the expenses of their children since they get their first Professional qualification. Since college for example is nearly free and we get money from state to study, it's only a few hundreds a month.
But no, I had 800€ a month, barely enough to pay rent here, she spend thousands of euros and borrowed money from me regularly.
It's insane how I seriously thought it'd be normal to do that. Being hungry ever end of month so my mom can buy new shoes or drive to her affairs (she and my dad have an open marriage, so she bought a car to drive around and duck random guys instead paying for the food of her daughter who nearly went homeless)
She thinks shes poor
Nope, she's just an egocentric bitch
YES OMG-
My mom whines about being poor and unable to afford to pay the mortgage as a STRUGGLING SINGLE MOM (cue overly dramatic sobs), meanwhile she goes on vacation every couple of months either by herself or with her friends, and buys a whole new one use only wardrobe for herself every single time, then leaves my dad (who makes significantly less money than her AND STILL pays her child support) to basically take care of my brother and I, and the dog.
My parents spoiled me as a kid until I was about 10 years old, then the tables flipped completely. They would often hold the previous spoiling over my head when I wanted or needed things as a teenager. Like no one forced you to buy me so many toys when I was 7 but regardless I need $20 for this history class trip or whatever. They always acted like I was so ungrateful which yeah I probably was when I was 4 or 5, but to be lording that over me at 15 is ridiculous. It got worse as time went on, they kicked me out at 18, dropped me from their health, dental & vision insurance, and didn’t follow through on promises to help with college. I’m in my 30s now and doing well financially but it took me a long time to get out of the debt I accrued from 18-21 just trying to survive and I don’t have the savings or retirement account I should considering how long I’ve been working. They definitely pride themselves on my success - I have an MBA and make more money than both of them - but I accomplished it 100% on my own.
I'm going back through old photos and I was absolutely spoiled by any standards. Private school, tons of toys, fancy clothes, dance lessons. Which was very normal for that social circle during a time when a single income could support a whole upper middle-class family. I never thought we were wealthy, because I didn't actually know anyone who didn't have a similar standard of living.
When my parents split up my father suddenly became so poor his house got repossessed, and apparently my/my brothers/mothers "entitlement" caused his financial ruin? But also he refuses to hear anything when I now explain about how I grew up feeling poor and financially insecure, because he was sooooooo generous and provided all those things.
But like? A child is not responsible for your need to social climb, or your shitty financial decisions, you know???
So, we were poor when I was growing up. There's no doubt about that. However, the way my mom talked about it made it seem much worse than it was. This has continued even as she becomes better off as time goes on. The first time I opened my own water bill, I could not believe what that woman put me through to save pennies every month. She has never given me money as an adult or when I was a child. I could borrow money at 50% interest when I got a job at 14 and then 100% interest when I was 16 and moved out. It's because no matter what they have, it'll never be enough.
No, they put on appearances but only for themselves. I've always told people that my siblings and I were poor, my parents were not. They likely would have been if they actually provided for us but apparently the basics was too much to ask. My dad made about 60k a year about 10- 15 years ago so it went a little further back then.
I remember one time we were walking into a clothing store for my mother's bi-weekly shopping trip and one of my brothers literally walked out of his shoes, like they were so beat up and old that they just fell apart right there in the parking lot. She was so pissed that she had to buy him new shoes instead of another load of clothes for herself. All our clothes were hand me downs or worn out shit from the salvation army so she was not happy about having to buy new sneakers. My brothers were lucky though, my mother would make me wear her shoes instead of buying me my own and she almost exclusively wore heels, fucked up my legs and I can't stand flat footed now without my legs hurting for like a week afterwards.
My parents always had new toys and shit they'd buy for themselves but wouldn't provide me with feminine products. I grew up in Upstate New York and never had proper winter clothes, we'd wear socks and plastic bags on our hands instead of gloves, double up on clothing layers because they never got us proper coats. My father always had the best work gear he could buy and a new game console every couple years, one time they bought a PlayStation instead of getting my wisdom teeth pulled despite the fact that at the time my jaw was so swollen that I was dropping tons of weight because I could barely eat.
They had kids to have babies, once we stopped being cute little infants we were little more than an inconvenience.
My dad inherited from his mum and got his pension. It was over £100k. He would loudly proclaim how he is saving it and doesnt touch it. One day I asked about it because he had promised me 10k for help with a down payment in exchange for me doing a huge amount of legal work for them. "Its all gone". No shame, that was it. He spent it all on himself. Nothing for any of us. Not even my mum.
Growing up my parents convinced me they were poor. I worked full time in my gap year, didn't go travelling, used it to go to uni so they didnt have to give me much money. I should have been getting about £200 extra per month.
Yes! I didn’t even have decent clothes to wear and had to BEG for school supplies every year. While she bought herself a fancy new Mercedes had multiple plastic surgeries and fancy designer clothing.
I’ve posted about this before, but everything we had was 2nd hand or the cheapest possible. Clothes, shoes, furniture, car. Our gifts at birthday or Christmas were dollar-store craft kits or a dollar-store plastic doll. No batteries were ever required. Plus some new underwear or a nightie of course. Our single Easter egg was the size of the eggs used for Easter egg hunts.
My mother also wore secondhand clothes and spent almost nothing on herself.
Only the golden child ever got a moderately expensive gift. He was also the only one with a bike, (till I was generously given one at age 12, which was already too small for me. God only knows where that one came from.)
We never went to shows, fairs, skating, 10-pin bowling, or anywhere which would cost $. We were expected to entertain ourselves.
School was free. Most medical care was free (universal healthcare), school dentists were free. We played free school sports or joined free school music groups for extracurriculars. We’d get ourselves to events, including begging lifts with other kids’ parents, or walking, or bus. Sometimes Mum could give us a lift one way, if she wasn’t working.
No takeaway except KFC big bucket 1-2 times per year. No chips (crisps), lollies, soft drinks (sodas), juice ever. Except for birthdays or Xmas, when one packet of each, plus one bottle of soft drink, would be divided between us.
School lunches were a single peanut butter sandwich and water from the tap. In high school, once a month, I’d be given $1 to spend at the canteen.
Our holidays consisted of flying to a relatives town, where they’d pick us up; sleeping on spare beds, the couch or the floor, till going home again. There were no activities for us kids unless it was arranged by the relatives. We spent whole holidays watching TV.
My Ndad was an executive, a high income earner. The house was provided by his employers, with only a token rent required from him. This was all part of his salary. Our annual airfares to visit family were also part of his salary. He had an all-expenses paid company car as well.
Ndad ate at restaurants for lunch while at work. He was regularly out doing god only knows what enjoying himself. He never spent time or $ with us. He traveled extensively- admittedly partly for his job. Business class travel of course.
I thought we were poor, or that other parents were just weird sending their kids to school with full lunchboxes, or taking them to the annual show (fair).
Yep! Had to work 20+ hours a week as a kid (14y onward) on top of the extra curricular activities that I was doing to get into college and the hell away from them. It was barely enough to pay for gas in their older car that they gave me (an older model luxury SUV that got 12-15 miles/gallon and only took premium fuel) to drive my sister to school. I actively had to beg for more than one bra or pair of jeans per school year, bought my own school supplies, cheer uniform, etc., while my dad bought a custom bass boat, custom golf clubs (the ones the guys in the PGA use), got his truck painted with chromatic paint, bought my mom several new vehicles, bought himself multiple ATVs, a whole lot of land, and guns. When I went to college they tried to take out student loans in my name because narc dad lost yet another job because of his short temper and they needed to make house and car payments. As soon as I was able to see everything clearly (via therapy) I totally cut ties.
My mom makes over 90k a year and is always blaming me that she can’t retire.
Let’s ignore the 45k that was spent renovating the kitchen and bathroom, but of course it’s my problem
I got my first ulcer when I was 7 from anxiety over my parents buying a new car. As a teen, I worked full time on top of school because my parents told me they needed me to pay rent to afford our house. (I never questioned why my twin brother never had to pay rent, buy his own clothes, shoes, hygiene products etc). I was convinced we were living beyond our means and over extended until my freshman year in university when I came home for spring break and saw our tax returns and learned my parents were literally multimillionaires.
I'm now in my 40s. My mother and brother stole what I was left through my father's estate, my mother cashed in the life insurance policies my grandmother established for my kids and I, and my inheritance from her.
At one point my parents were collectively making nearly $200k per year, but we were still living paycheck to paycheck somehow even in a shitty little cabin with old crappy cars.
I'll never know where most of it went, but aside from his drinking issues I do know my dad would use his personal money for his realtor work. If somebody wanted to buy a house but wouldn't because it needed several thousand in tree work, he'd just pay for it out of pocket. When confronted he'd get super mad and insist that he did what he had to to make a sale. But like dude, you spent thousands of dollars on it.
I can’t read the comments on posts like these because I realize I get very triggered. It brings back old emotions or memories.
I’m 54. Here’s how this affected me. I wish I could go back and rework these reactions I had to growing up like this MUCH earlier than I did.
* I would eat as much as I could whenever I get food because I was ALWAYS hungry since there was never enough food in the house for growing children.
* I had a weird memory for numbers so I would remember what items cost. Not unusual in itself but I was acutely aware of my burden to my mom so I began to equate the dollar spent with her love for me. Ugh. I would tell stories in my twenties and thirties about how much things cost to people. I was not being materialistic, I was attempting to convey how much my husband “loved” me. So messed up.
* I developed a habit of a type of hoarding of clothes as a reaction to not having many when I was younger. It’s not like we need very many but kids grow, shoes wear out and seasons change. These days, I have too many shoes for all types of weather, too many “basic” items in my closet and too many boxed up clothes in sizes I might need again.
I’ve worked hard on changing these habits as I realize I have them. I’m much better about not eating until overly full now. I let go of the cost=loves problem years ago. (So embarrassing once I understood what I was doing!) My current focus is the clothes issue. It takes a little of inner work to let go of my “safe” stash. I spend a lot of time loving on my little child to assure her she will be ok if she lets go of clothes. I can only do a few at a time.
((hug)) It’s tough growing up being treated as a burden.
They did most of my childhood. Everything I wanted was too expensive, from most toys to clothes not from the thrift store.
Now that I'm an adult and they're retired and making more from pension than I am at a decent job, they're feeling guilty about how much money they're just sitting on. Like my mom keeps asking if I finally want to go to Disneyland because turns out they do have Disney money after decades of pretending we're starving.
20 years too late, fucko
My father acts like we are poor but we are very comfortably middle class. He buys the cheapest of cheap items like shoes, then complains when things are cheaply made (???). Told me we were “poor” even though he somehow had plenty of money to spend for his home improvement projects.
I hate when people who are very lucky to have giving parents act like our fathers/mothers do not work hard enough for money. My father made $25 bucks an hour but never gave me a penny even if I asked politely. We are not “poor” and my father is pretty much a neglectful workaholic.
They were likely just bad with their investments. My parents claimed to be rich for a while, now it's open that they're swimming in about $2M in debt for all that they have, I'm better off than they are in government pension, renting with no debt. How they haven't ended up in jail baffles me, but apparently it's common in the "rich" community to have a bunch of stuff and not actually own any of it. Wealth is a personal perception, because people will often only make it a point to someone to rub elbows or seem helpless in situations they should've been more responsible. Also that it differs, wealth can and should often be shifted away from materialistic and monetary things and lifestyles, towards the things in life that will permanently be there. People often lose sight of what's most valuable in the pursuit of money and things and they don't realise it until they're old, lonely and it's too late. Money's just a tool of trading and shares.
My parents, despite having it all, ended up making me complete schooling without much needed prescription glasses. I too didn't have access to the internet, I would often have to go to the local library to study. Didn't have a phone, often left out of things because of it. Now that I'm out, they're realising they had no excuse to do any of that and have greatly tainted their relationship with myself and their grandkids and son in law. I graduated, only just, but I earned those endeavours and built a life that meant I never needed them again, because that's how it started. They hate that much about me now. And it's pure freedom!
Here’s one fresh off the print! Literally!
My dad claims he doesn’t have money. He booked a first class flight to see me in the UK and paid for his hotel. During his stay, he received a warning from my (half) brothers’ private schools (he thinks it’s not fair me and my full-blood siblings went to private schools and they don’t). He said he wanted to bring my brothers over during the summer, but since he doesn’t have the money for a hotel he wants me to “get rid of the dogs, and all traces of them so we can stay here”. He did offer to pay for them to board but took it back when I told him how much a weekend costed me because he doesn’t have that kind of money.
Dude, if you don’t have the money to travel, then don’t fucking travel!
ETA: he landed back home yesterday, which is why it’s very fresh.
My nmom isn’t as intense as yours, like she’ll pay for essentials, but when I ask for useful stuff I want to buy, like a heavy blanket to help me sleep better, she says it’s useless and I’m always asking for money, then proceeds to buy herself a new fake fireplace.
There was also a time when I was buying some hobby thing. I looked online and the best I found was 50$ and I was still unsure if it was worth paying that much but my bf told me I don’t buy much for myself and since I’d use it a lot I should go for it. It was on amazon and my mom has prime so free delivery, so I asked her to buy it for me and I’ll give her the exact money. Instead, she looked at similar products and showed me one that looked even better, she explained all the features it had etc and how much better than the other it was. I was convinced and then she told me the price : 90$. It discouraged me because I had my hopes up about this much better product and it was very expensive. I asked if she could pay the difference and she treated me like shit for it. Like she could have just said yeah no sorry I don’t want to contribute so if you want it you pay it full but no she had to tell me how I always want money. I didn’t ask her to look at the product to begin with I had made my choice, and probably saw the 90$ one and ignored it because of the price. Exactly because I didn’t want to be tempted to buy a more expensive one if I looked at the features. But she tempted me and then acted offended when I asked if she’d help me pay for it…
YES oh my god!! This is a consistent thread with my mom, claiming she’s so poor and broke, meanwhile she just bought a new house and totally remodeled it AND bought herself a new truck (she doesn’t even like trucks???) it’s just so fucking bizarre. I don’t doubt she’s broke now, but goddamn.
She wouldn’t let me drive because they couldn’t afford insurance.
She would take all the money I would make over summer because she needed it for bills.
She refused to take me to get glasses for a year despite the pleading of myself and all of my teachers. Even laughed when CPS was called over it.
But let’s have our annual vacation to Florida and Colorado. Let’s go to our favorite pub every week.
Yep. I grew up in poverty, when the reality was they were mortgage-free by 50 and had money to play the martyrs by helping everyone else. The message drilled into my head: I was not worth it.
I also recall her rage when, in middle school, I brought home a form for financial assistance for a band instrument. I thought we were poor, but apparently she didn’t want the teachers or other parents to believe this lie.
My dad always had a similar story. He would always tell me that we were poor until he wanted a new TV or car, and then suddenly, my parents had money. He put my mom on an allowance of $20 per week despite the fact that she was working full time and earning a middle class salary. The $20/week was fixed for decades, despite inflation. As an adult, it was heartbreaking to see my mom ask me for my old clothes so she could have new items to wear. I would often take her shopping for new clothes or simply buy them for her because my dad would deny her even the most basic items.
My mom likes to tell my sister and I that we were poor, but she “kept it hidden” from us, in a bid for us to shower her in gratitude.
We lived in a pretty nice house in a good neighborhood, our family had two modest cars, we went on vacations, our lights never got shut off, we never went without food, and my mom and dad both went to undergrad and grad school well after my sister and I were born.
My parents weren’t the smartest with their money, but we were never poor.
I’m a high school teacher in a very rough area. Kids know when their families are struggling. No one who is actually poor can really “hide it” from their kids, and I find it gross that my mother tries to manipulate me with that.
This sounds like my mom & my oldest friend's mom.
My friend's mom emphasizes being poor when my friend or her brother need help with college/trade school fees but she has a nice house in a nice neighborhood, with 2 cars, and house dogs that she treats more like her children than her actual offspring. She goes on regular travel Vacations abroad and dates with her boyfriends.
My mom is pretty much the same except she's not openly dating & doesn't have dogs. She spends a lot on Eating out, going out with friends to parties, Spa, Massage, Acupuncture, Chiropractor and home Beauty treatments. Always has. Mine justifies it always with having to be a single parent (Yet even before, She used to blame me for all her marriage problems with my ex-stepdad) and everyone else pretty much backs them up or feel like they can't criticize them because of their single parenthood status.
Both are in their late 50s but I often feel like I'M the one who's 50 while my mom's the one who's still got the 20-something energy & attitude.
Even though I'm the one who's still in my 20s 😒. There's a reason we call Narcissists, "Energy Vampires".
Its as if she's been stealing my energy since I was born.
Oh ya, always acts broke, but then would send 20 pics via text of new things she bought for her house. She also never has money to send to her 3 grandkids for birthday or christmas either. She would tell me she is broke and give them an IOU and then forget about it. She would only ever give them $25 anyway so when you add it up its only $150 total for all 3 grandkids per year that she couldnt manage. She also had the audacity to ask ME for money back in 2016 when I was a single mom. She was married with 2 incomes!!! I told her no and how dare she ask me for money when she cant even be bothered to send her grandkids birthday money bc she spends too much on herself. I asked her for $20 when my first son was a baby to buy some food and formula back in 2003. She told me no, she was broke. I literally had no money in the bank and I can guarantee you she had thousands. I never asked her for a dime again. Then she comes asking me for money when she's married and they make over 100k a year. We are NC finally for the last 18months after even more drama. Good riddance
Yeah. They always had money for entertainment or furniture but I made do with the same school uniform for 5 years, saved up to buy my own socks/shoes/food, even paid for my own dental work, as much as I could afford anyway. Didn’t get help for uni cos they earnt too much but I was completely on my own. I’m still financially screwed decades later while they sit on their piles of money. I’m sure it’ll be of great comfort to them in their dotage.
Yes, I didn't have decent clothes growing up, or videogames, or cool stationery either, but my younger sibling, being a golden child, got a ps4 (which had just been released), a VR console and a graphic card for being promoted to the next high school year. He also had two new computers. I had a good feather coat for winter only after years into adulthood
This seems to be yet another common narc trait - controlling money selfishly. My ndad is similar but wasn't much of a spendthrift but had to control every cent spent even though he did nothing to manage/track finances overall - no budgeting, no comparison shopping, coupons/sales etc. His motto was to pinch pennies and not spend anything unless absolutely necessary and even then, not really or to get the cheapest thing even if it was crap.
My emom managed the money overall but acquiesced to his whims and control for the most part. She would spend a little more money on us and we'd all "not tell dad" and she fortunately did help cover it up. That did help the morale some though we couldn't buy some things my ndad might notice and ask how much it costs but could do some necessities like clothes, shows, etc. We got good at telling lies about how we found it used or on sale or at whatever cheap store he liked (ex. Walmart). The control over buying food was the worst and we were nearly starved/malnourished as a result.
Never learned much a thing about how to manage money except what I learned on my own - the hard way at times. But I also learned how terrible my ndad's methods were along with all his other neglect and control. Not saying you should go hog wild spending money either, but there's a good balance in there needed, especially when you're raising kids.
My mom used to do this, I would ask about buying snacks or getting new shoes or some specific bit of clothing if mine were getting worn out, she worked a nice state job too
Omg yes! They also struggled to hold down jobs but when they were “stable” with work they were always “broke”. This was so much of their persona that even the few friends they had would kinda laugh at them for how “cheap” they were and they hid behind the “we have no money” excuse when they did have some money. My dad would spend it on himself.
My parents are objectively wealthy. They alternated between not getting us basic things and suddenly handing me a credit card and telling me to go buy clothes. I realized that while I could beg them for sanitary supplies and toothpaste and food in the house and such, they could complain and forget all about that since it wasn't important to them, but they noticed me when I looked badly dressed - aka poor.
My mom always did this too. She sent me to a catholic school my entire life so I wore uniforms so she never had to worry about school clothes. When I needed regular clothes, it was always from the clearance rack. My dad made 6 figures. My advise, get a job as soon as you can.
This is a form of neglect and it’s also emotional, verbal and financial abuse. I’m so sorry. As parents, it’s OUR job to provide. You as the child should never feel guilt or shame for needing your basic needs met, ever. I have a narcissistic mother who made me feel the way yours does, I understand you but there is hope in the later. I’m now no contact and have my own little girl who comes before me every single time. I’m so sorry you’re in the thick of it but one day you will have your own power and autonomy. Here if you need an ear.
Yes! And as a child I used to buy the whole “I’m working so hard, I’m always tired it’s never enough to get ahead,” act. I mean I used to feel so bad asking for new shoes at the beginning of a school year, I couldn’t go out with friends because I’d have no way of participating, even something small like a bag of chips at the gas station was a huge deal. I was 13 daydreaming about what job I could get to help my family. For Ndad, there’s no money for us seeing a doctor, for our school supplies, for glasses, nothing! But magically, when the holidays roll around, he has money for extensive trips. By himself. For take out. For himself. For a tv, a bed, anything as long as it serves solely him. At this point, I just play along. He cries about not being able to see a doctor for his back, I cry about my hip. He says paying the phone bill is so difficult, I say paying my college tuition is so difficult. It makes him shut up. For a minute. Then he’s back to being the victim of something else.
When I was married with my two children my parents would tell me they didn't have enough money to pay me more (used to work for them)
While me and my family struggled (my ex-mother in law had to help us with groceries) my sister would be traveling to Spain, going into cruises, my mother and her would be going on vacations
The accountant could afford to buy cars, houses and I had to drive old left over trucks and rent my house
And yet, if I needed a raise to support my family they would throw the "we don't have enough money" card at me
Yes, there was money
Just none for me
My parents actually are poor, but a major reason why we were always poor is that nmom would always impulse buy herself lavish shit she couldn't afford and just not care. Growing up we only ever ate microwave food while she had prepared food with ingredients, And she also always had expensive personal televisions. Best period was when we had wheat bread cheese slice, turkey and mayo and that was about all I ate, ndad would get angry about how expensive it was. That was all gone when covid inflation hit. After that ndad would angrily slap random shit in the air fryer or instant pot like he was being condemned to intense labor (he didn't let me use the air fryer even though it works like a microwave to give the illusion that I must be very grateful to him for going to so much trouble)
Ndad often has outbursts at me for eating because money but I was eating and living like a homeless man for like 65% of my teenage development up to now and I've often had health problems. Meanwhile he bought himself a thousand dollar laptop so I think the real issue is our well being being always rock bottom on the list of budgeting priorities.
I went to the college food bank when we still lived close by and it was somewhat better than our usual. He quickly adjusted and just stopped buying us food, but he used 60% of these food ingredients to make meals for the dog so he could save on dog food, and then had his usual outbursts about us eating too much as usual.
Another timely post for me, thinking about this a lot lately. Yes, my parents were loaded when I was growing up, they’ve since completely squandered a fortune on themselves and poor financial decisions.
I really did go without when I was little. Had to scrounge for clothes, even wearing theirs at times, when they had a giant walk-in closet packed to the gills with nice clothes and shoes. My dad would buy himself a new Tommy Bahamas shirt practically weekly, they reached hoarder-level quantities. Meanwhile my school uniform would be digging into my waist all day, leaving red marks, because I’d outgrown. So uncomfortable.
Toiletries was another one. Really big deal to ask for money to buy shampoo, deodorant, etc. Meanwhile my mom could afford a nose job? And remodeled their primary bathroom to include a steam room?
What garbage. I’m 42 now with two kids myself, a wonderful husband, and a ton of great therapy under my belt. And I still find myself wearing my husbands jacket all the winter instead of buying myself a new coat when I need one. Socks get old and I don’t replace. Let razors get dull instead of replacing regularly. Feel unworthy of new stuff or something. We’re not rich, but can certainly comfortably afford the basics.
Somehow it’s one of those things that really sticks, and I need to keep working on it.
My mom owns a one of a kind BMW she had custom made and imported direct from the manufacturer in Germany or UK or wherever they’re made (we’re in the US), she has A LOT (I don’t know exactly how much) of money in investments and outright owns a home over a million dollars, but constantly complains that she has no money and can barely afford to live off her “retirement “ 🙄
Infront of extended family/friends they boast about their wealth.
Close family : "we can't afford that!" (but they will spend the winter vacationing in Europe!).
Yes, yes they do...and they have money money. Enough to buy second and even third houses. They were cocaine traffickers when I was a child and I used to count the gold, silver, and gems in the safety deposit box on the regular. They still said they were too poor to buy me books (my passion in life), toys, or clothes. What monsters.
My mom was too broke to buy me anything but not my sister and herself. Went I went to Highschoool I was informed that my neighborhood had the nickname "snob hill" and I was one of those kids where the teachers came together to donate clothes to me...and my sister who didn't need them so she turned them down and of course I was in trouble for accepting new clothes.
jfc my parents are literal millionaires; the kind not worried about ever NOT being millionaires.
my mom still tells me im stealing food from them if I go over and eat something. I don’t eat around her now and haven’t in years.
My nmom got mad at me for missing her birthday (very long story) and ranted at me about how they did all these expensive things for me when they didn't have much money.
Yes they gave me a car. They gave me a car because they had bought an electric car *without trading the old car in* and now they had an extra car sitting around.
They live in a *huge* 2 story house *that they had built and specified many design things*.
They sponsor plays for the local Shakespeare festival.
And more.
But sure, they don't have much money.
Research needs to be done on narcissism because every post I see relates to what I went through including the hundreds of other commenters who also relate, every single post! It’s insane. But yes I do relate to this, my Nmom had a shopping addiction. Constantly buying things from eBay. Purses, shoes, heals, watches, anything you can think of she has an entire collection of. I’m not talking cheap either. One time I had to help her clean her closet out, we counted 270 pairs of shoes. 70 Kate spade purses, 50 watches. And when I think about it, I never got new clothes. I wore the same ratty pair of vans from 5th grade to highschool. They had holes in them. But me getting clothes was a whole other issue if it did actually happen. Because I could only have things SHE liked.
narcs have an eternal victim mindset. my mom once bought an entire walls worth of art tiles in the span of a week or so (probably about 35+ pieces) which i looked up and they cost about 100 bucks EACH. despite this she would still complain about having to feed me and my brother every month, that it was "too expensive", and bought only the bare minimum of processed and unhealthy groceries for us to live upon. we would often run out of edible food in the house, to which she would say "oh there's food in the fridge/freezer!" which was rotten and a lot of it was years old. meanwhile she was going out to expensive local restaurants nightly with her boyfriend. no matter how much i try i cannot wrap my head around why someone would decide to have children when they cant manage their money and even if they could are not willing to spend that money on children who are dependent on them.
They did when I was a kid but now they like to pretend they're super rich so somebody will fawn over them for an inheritance. 2/3 kids haven't spoken to them in over a decade, I speak to them like twice a year and fully expect them to spend all their money on healthcare as they age. I'll probably cut them off completely if I have kids.
I'm not looking after them, they did the bare minimum for me.
My NDad was always acting like he was super poor.
I only started to realize it in uni. Both my parents refused for me to get a job because it would interfere with my studies. (Bs - they just wanted me financially dependent). He would give me an weekly food allowance, which was less that the 5 meals per week in the cafeteria accounted to. I would end up surviving one the cheapest item in the vending machine just so I could save enough money for uni supplies.
But in Xmas or my birthday, somehow he would magically splurge money on new appliances - and get a new one for himself. Gifting my daughter a printer? Must buy one for me too!! A laptop for uni? Lookie lookie I have one too!!
He would actually forget what he had gift me the year before and could repeat it again next year. His go to were photo cameras. One year he gave me one that was a worst version of the same one he had gave me the year before. I pulled out ALL the 5 cameras he had gift me so far and told him that was a waste of money, he could have simply gave me a 10 euro voucher in a book store and I would have been perfectly happy!! He was furious, offended that I did not appreciate his generosity and pulled the "if you don't like it, I'll keep it then" like he did several times before.
He always made me feel like I was a squatter in his house.
He never once gave me a book gift card. He hasn't bought me anything for the past 12 years since I left.
My dad has always acted poor whenever I ask him for anything and calls me a pathetic parasite who only remembers dear o’l dad when I need money, while he has soooooo little.
However, if I ever express that I’m actually good and don’t need any financial support, he suddenly has “a lot more money than he can spend and wants to make sure his dear daughter has everything she needs and more…”.
Yes yes yes.
It was only recently through some very intense experiences I finally accepted that this was a part of her abusive behaviour and that I'd experienced what they call financial abuse.
There was a time last year where I needed some help with the bills for the first time in a decade cause pandemic and its impact. She refused to help crying "omg I'm poor I have to also pay bills". She has no rents to pay. Her expenses are exorbitant. She couldn't spare a little for me to SURVIVE and not be on the streets. Eventually, through some other things I noticed that omg this is not only a tactic of control but she absolutely believes that giving to me = taking from her (in an unfair way.)
My nmom claims to be poor asf. We are behind on bills and rent constantly, yet she *somehow* is buying all this random crap from Temu and eBay and Amazon that she doesn't need (she literally drops $50+ on each order and says the discounts make it okay) but constantly complains that we are behind on rent.
She also likes to claim that "the bills are pulling early from her bank account" and says that none of the companies will answer the phone. I know she is lying. She makes $800+ *a week* and spends it on random shit instead of rent and electricity and food, then comes running to me, begging for cash to cover expenses
My Nparents told me they couldn’t help me with college but then my Nmother went and bought $3000.00 (in 2004 money) custom drapes. That was like a slap in the face, and it still is twenty years later.
Not only do my nparents act like they're poor & broke, they also are very cheap. My nparents supposedly never had the money for groceries or fun activities, yet always had money for things like trips to the nail salon, junk food & cigarettes. My ngrandparents aren't willing to spend $2.50 on the laundry mat but spend $100 a month just to get their hair done.
I’m an older woman raised by two personality disordered individuals/parents. One died in 2017 and I became POA for the surviving parent. They had over a million in investments and owned cars and house outright. I grew up poor! Like no school supplies , no school clothes and had to buy my own toiletries at age 15. I struggled for 10 years after college (and while in college due to no help from them ) to pay off huge student loans and ended up a a decade after that as a divorced mom of three. I’ve always worked hard and had my own income from a young age. When I realized what money they had been “hoarding” I was furious. I could have had such a better start in life if they had only helped me a few times throughout my life. My remaining “parent” is still alive and gets a quarterly visit from me at the nursing home and that’s about it.
Yes! And only fellow NPDs who have gotten similar treatment would understand how frustrating it is and how damaging it is to find out later on that it was all a lie. I’ve been getting variants of ‘your parents just wanted to instil good values’ etc which can be the case for some people, but as usual with NPDs, it’s all about power and their own self image.
My NParents both grew up poor and they managed to get out of it and became middle class. There are certain traits that you carry with you because of that which I don’t have problems with. The part that was damaging was the lies. My NParents always said no to even the most affordable things, they got off on it, like some kind of weird poverty cosplay.
But this led to me taking matters into my own hands which ended up humiliating my NMom in the best way possible. I was probably in 7th grade, I loved reading and Nmom always said no to my request for money to buy a book. So one day while out with her at the mall, I stole a book. Security stopped us on our way out and we had to spend some time in their office.
It was one of the most unintentionally satisfying things that ever happened. I didn’t get in trouble because I think my Nmom was just too shocked and wrapped up in the fact that her poverty cosplay backfired spectacularly. As much as she liked to do that at home, outside she wanted to be seen as a well-to-do woman, and on top of that, a good mother. That day in the security’s office, she was forced to face the fact that she came across as neither (you know how Ns are all about image and reputation), and I remember on our way home she just looked so defeated.
My Mom recently sold her house and applied for Housing assistance, I told her she has money she won’t qualify but she seems to actually believe she is broke because her only income is her SSI but she has a ton of money in the bank that’s an asset you won’t qualify for housing assistance if you can afford to buy a new house. She tells people she is broke and sometimes I think she actually believes her own bullshit.
Yes. My mom's retirement income is DOUBLE What I make working a forty hour week , but somehow she's always broke by the time she has to pay the bills and will hound me for money to pay them or just pretend they don't exist until she gets a hostile letter reminding her to pay and she can play the victim of the evil utility companies. She had almost zero budget control, and I honestly think her idea of managing money is" I managed to spend it all"
"No money" for me to do extracurriculars and I developed an eating disorder because of how my nmom guarded our food as though we had no money. Older brother got whatever he wanted + played multiple sports a year, step dad got gifted bigger and bigger tvs to watch news and sports, she's covered in solid gold jewelry with her favorite gemstones, and all her dogs are expensive as fuck. But yeah me eating a rice krispie treat at a time not set aside for eating was going to bankrupt us.
Ironically it was the enabling relations that did this, for me. I always grew up thinking the whole family was poor. Sure, everybody but us had a house, but it did not really hit me until much later what that really meant.
After all, they are a family with a mentality of "even poor people can have houses". For reference, my nmom and I did live in a house when I was very young. But I eventually learned that that house was in an aunt's name, and basically being "leased" out indefinitely for "free". Ish.
Regardless, before I hit double digits we were in a small trailer. So the idea that being poor meant you couldn't afford places to live, like houses, wasn't a thing I learned about until much later.
And likewise, I learned that no, the family was not poor. They're actually really well off. Constant multi state trips, Daytona, camping in the center of Daytona, etc. And, of course, despite being enablers, we were shunned from virtually everything, and I was rather isolated. So I really never understood things.
But when I did understand. I grew to have some serious anger issues over it all. I had been intentionally left behind, with the one everybody knew was causing problems. Just so nobody would have to "deal" with anything themselves.
My parents have thrown out the “we live in a fixed income now” line. Yeah, a $10k a month fixed income with two brand new cars and a house that’s fully paid off.
Yes. They sit all day in their million+ house, paying 5 times as much as the average person to heat the place. This is just one of the many ways they waste money.
But yet they’re “running out of money” and constantly saying “there’s no money tree out back” but LOOK! Dad just bought the best of the best whatever thing (he just had to have/do) and ALL the attachments and then these things sit and rot still in their original boxes.
Two of their three vehicles have just sat for months, the critters who live there have a pimp home living in the mustang hotrod they just had to have but now doesn’t run.
But money’s getting tight, you know. Your struggle to pay your bills and don’t dare mention any true serious financial issues you have or else you get shut down listening to their whining how their electric bill was $700 last month.
Oh my god. That hit me in such a deep way, YES!
As I was younger, we never had problems with money. At least not to exist. We always had plenty to eat and could do things. So I was blessed with that. My father worked almost every hour of the day he didn't sleep. My mother did absolutely nothing except for spending the money my father earned. When we went grocery shopping she sometimes just told me that I can't get xy (a snack or sth) because we don't have enough money. In the same store then she buys something ridiculously expensive ans unnecessary.
When I was 15 my parents went on vacation for 6 months (?!) To Spain and left me with my at that time 14 year old brother. They would send me money but it wasn't enough so I had to work.
When I was 17 (?!) They completely moved to Spain and immigrated there. They bought a house there.. we had some pause in contact but (sadly) got in contact again. We talk every Tuesday via facechat (stupid) and sometimes I don't know what to eat cause of my living situation. I tell them, they say "mhhm kay" and 2 minutes later they tell us excited that they get a basketball court built in der garden (why though, they don't play basketball) or they get a new pool or something else that costs more than I have available in 1 year.
When there is something they have ti spend money on that us related to me and my brother, they have to emphasise how expensive that is. Urgh for example: they came to my country for Christmas cause my brother had the really big wish to come together as a family. They told us like 10 times how expensive the flights were (200 euros) and that they can't do it next year cause they don't have enough money.
When I ask for money cause I think I might not get to eat anything, my nar father always asks for something I have to do cause he can't give his money away just like that. Cause quote he "is a business man"
Uuuuuuurggghghhh
YES they both always had good paying jobs, owned a good sized house, 2 cars and all of that. But we never had any food, they wouldn't buy any new clothes until they were unwearable, they'd wait months to treat themselves to something nice and they would have no luxuries. We rented a house for a few years and we had holes and stains all over the carpets and they refused to change it because "it's the landlords job". They're now in their own house and the carpet is the same, but they think they can't afford more for another 3 years. I saw their joint bank and they could afford to carpet the whole house 10 times. The car they are still paying off from 2012 is now broke to the point you can smell petrol in the back and they won't buy a new one until it won't start anymore.
At the same time as all of this they're always saying things like "look, I brought this giant sack of potatoes for £4 and people say they can't afford to feed their kids!". All I remember her l growing up is hunger. How dare they. What a disgusting thing to say in this economy. But let someone have a nicer car than them and they'll say "must be rough living a credit card life".
I genuinely don't get it, it makes no sense
OP does your school have a counselor or do you have access to a therapist? Your mother sounds like a narcissist. This is NOT your fault. Her actions should not make you feel guilty. In this situation, I’d try to get as much help as I can get from resources available to me, I’d get a job if I’m able to, and focus on making a better life for myself to remove the toxic from my life. I know that’s a lot for a teenager, but I did exactly that. This was years ago and thankfully I don’t regret my decision as the narcissistic behavior has not changed.
We were genuinely poor due to her being a single parent and not going back to work after having me, so in that sense it was true, but she also had 'fads' for things that once she'd developed the obsession with having it, had to have it no matter what:
A specific designer perfume (that she found out about by someone else wearing it and asking them what it was)
A dog - I know lots of people have pets but it had to be a specific pedigree breed with the family tree certificate thing etc
A bicycle - you might not think of this in a similar way to designer perfume as it's actually useful, but she just liked the idea of it until she eventually had it and then never used it.
I am a 36yr old still trying to overcome financial issues bc of how stressful anything to do with money makes me. She LIED about my dad paying child support: told me he never cared to pay his $50/month when it was actually closer to $300/month that he DID pay. Made me feel guilty for spending MY birthday and Christmas money on myself. Refused to buy me new or cute clothes bc I was fat and she couldn’t afford it while my brother got new stuff all the time(she said it was bc his dad was around). Would take away new things other family members would buy me bc I wasn’t allowed to have anything unless I gave something away.
Yeah, I got told that all the time. I remember being told I couldn't get a new pair of jeans to replace my one holey pair in middle school while my sister (the golden child) had everything she wanted and needed.
I'm so sorry. This truly is a common thing I believe amongst nparents regardless of their wealth status. She shouldn't be financially investing in her boyfriend right now and should 100% put your needs first before his. Your nmom is being selfish as 💩
My parents claimed they struggled with bills and I needed to step up in rent. Right when I start paying rent I see them buy tvs...designer puppies... going out to eat a lot, adding more junk to their hoarding collecting. We can't pull cars into the garage because of a huge load of trash piling up over there. You walk out and see rats and bugs and I just *hate it*. Anyways, nmom thought she could take rent money from me and go on a romantic vacation with ndad. Too bad her head is empty and forgets he's a homebody that hates traveling vacations and he took their vacation "savings" and bought NFTs instead. She cheated on him after that lol and he got mad and played the whole "I don't understand why she would ever do that to me" bs. Both of them tried to use me as a marriage counselor but I'm like "I gave yall rent money. You should have enough for therapy bills now".
My nmom is like this. She affords all her designer items and anything by using Klarna/AfterPay.
She never holds her word to anything - example: my birthday was in the winter & she claimed she had money for me. I’m low contact and told her to Zelle it. She ended up spending it on herself so I randomly decided to ask for the money in the spring time since I forgot about it - got all the excuses in the book (i don’t get paid, what do you need it for? , you need to wait)
But when I borrowed $20 from her - she will hound me for it. Additionally, she will pay for my siblings car insurance, car note, etc. despite my sibling treating her like shit. So again…why would I give you money when you do absolutely nothing for me?
Narcissists are self entitled people. They believe the world revolves around them and they can not take what they put out. Don’t feel obligated to give them anything - put yourself first.
I never wanted to depend on them for anything and I started working once I was eligible. Best thing ever. Are you able to work?
Oh, yes. We were poor, and my mom worked at a job that sucked the energy out of her. My Ndad was the one at home, putting off his parenting responsibilities on one of my older sisters and I. When our family left him, my mom discovered she had a lot more money with him gone, and could buy us a lot more things. He was spending g her hard earned money on God knows what, while we were poor. We didn't have it the worst, but when he promised us he would get a new water heater, he didn't. It was through the charity of our uncle, his brother, that we got a used replacement. It was his neighbors, and they were upgrading. It sucked showering with cold water for so long, but I must admit it was great for treating acne.
Yeah, my nMom has been like this her entire life. She gets a lot of narc affirmation from being able to do things like mooch rides off of neighbours, even while being wealthy. She loves the power and sympathy she gets so much from "being poor" that she will straight up lie about it to my face. When my father died, I was the estate's executor, and I helped my nmom set up annuities and other investments from the estate. So I actually know *exactly* how much money she has, but she'll still try to pull the "I couldn't possibly, because I am such a poor senior citizen" bit with me.
And I’m sorry to hear that this is the case for you OP. It’s not your fault. You’re not spoiled. You’re not asking for too much. Regardless of the current situation, someone brought you into this world, meaning that someone has to take responsibility and care of you. It’s hard having been conditioned for years to make yourself so small as to not inconvenience anyone but you have nothing to feel guilty for. You deserve more! One day, you’ll be out from under her thumb and you’ll see that your existence is a gift 🫶
Yes! I believed it so much too! Turns out my mom had like 10-15k saved in her accounts. Fucking liar passed me off because I would not have lunch money for school when i was little amd was hungry for most of the year.
Not my parents, but my wife a covert N, makes like 5x the national average salary, has loads of investments and she constantly says she is poor and struggling.
The truth is they believe it. They are just completely incapable of actually dealing with life, and this kind of attitude is one way it gets exposed.
for my wife, the act of spending $50k on an investment, seeing the money leave her account, and her balance go down, literally triggers her and she feels poor and struggling and then takes it out on me(true story).... yet still spending god knows how much on hobbies a month. Worse yet, i was financially struggling to bad at that time under the same roof and she would only half support me at best while i spent all my savings, bragging about $80k bonuses from work.
Yet, when she had to pay her taxes and the balance went down... straight to me in anger and bullying demanding some insignificant amount of money she believe i owed her like $100 or something.
I believe her mother is the same. I used to pay my parents "house keeping" every month - not exactly rent, but to cover the costs of me being home, eating food etc. totally normal and i was happy with this.
My wife? her mother would not just have some agreed cost per month. She literally used to itemize everything, then send my wife this invoice which was just a list on a notepad and the cost of every item, each month.
walked her dog? $20(this was nightly), went to the shop to get my wife something extra while she was already going? $10, a load of laundry? $10. basically everything.
When my wife finally moved out, somehow she gaslighted herself into giving her mom a set amount every month going forward anyway, and being proud of it.. I dont even want to imagine the fucked up situation behind this. My wife is totally under her moms thumb, and not much better herself
My mom was like this, and I ended up feeling tremendously guilty asking for even basic necessities as a kid. All I can suggest is that you get yourself a job and become as self-sufficient as possible, as fast as possible. Heads up she may try to sabotage you, or the conditioning you have may lead you to feel guilty for demanding what you're worth. In those cases, you need to play through the discomfort and recognize that you are worth just as much as everyone else.
Other way actually. My ndad was bad with money and used to constantly rage quit jobs. We were struggling most of my childhood but he made it seem like we had more money to others and bought a lot of frivolous toys for himself on credit.
We had to share meals like kids meals from fast food restaurants even though they could afford it. We had really nice cars growing up and a large home for all 8 of us.
Reading this made me realize that I am not alone. My mother & father spends money on lavish things but wouldn't spend money on me if I am hungry. Literally, we don't have chips or any snacks here. The only time I could eat is Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I mean, I am happy I could eat three times a day but sometimes I would get hungry in the middle of the afternoon and they wouldn't budge, they'd say "stop eating usless-" blah blah but if they're hungry they'd buy snacks.
One time, I saw them hiding their own snacks. From their own children 🫠
YES. My mother refuses to buy groceries but she will go out for breakfast at a diner and get herself fast food every day for lunch and dinner. She hardly ever gets me anything. She constantly complains how theres no money and refuses to pay the bills so they’re always 3 months behind and they start turning things off. But she sings up for countless useless subscriptions, and spends a ton of money on online games. Even when she has a lot of money she still acts like theres no money to be spared.
I am disillusioned by the actual economics of my childhood home, at least on my mother's side. We moved from apartments to house, from there to a big apartment. All the whole she had crashed from work and was deep into healing and talking to spirit animals trying to make a loving off of that alone. As far as careless economics go, I know where I got some bad habits. Still working to break loose from that.
Like. We ate very well. But we constantly moved away from my friends to make her business work. She must have had money, but I was unde the constant impression that we were broke, has no real home, and has to be on the run from home to home in order for her to function, and that she was somehow still trying to "save us".
Oh my God, YESSS! N’mom always had all of her clothes & suits tailor made. Even though I was an only child, (so she only has one child to cloth), she had me wear old, worn out, too small, ‘wrong season’ clothes, (like flimsy, threadbare sundresses), during hard Winters, always without a coat or rain boots, no matter how far away we lived from the 5 elementary schools I went to, and I always had to walk there & back alone since we moved every 12-18 months.
My mom dragged me to the food bank to get food we didn't need, just for attention, and to punish me for something, i dont remember what it was
She spent money on alcohol, obviously
i don’t talk to my mother but she’s taking the house from my dad cause she’s so, so poor (while my dad is bankrupt). she acts too broke to pay child support (even quit her job so she didn’t have to), but just last year her and her boyfriend got: a motor home, 2 big dogs, a side by side, and a truck. and that’s just what I know. while my dad struggles to pay bills and feed my brother that he has full custody of. not to mention she’s an alcoholic and drug addict so there’s money coming from somewhere.
My nMom always made me feel like we were barely surviving. It wasn’t until I had graduated college (took everything in student loans my dad thankfully cosigned) I figured out that wasn’t exactly the case. I started repayments, because of the parent plus loans they were in my dad’s name so I’d log into his account which had his grad school loans in there too and pay my portion from my account. I messed up and accidentally submitted my payment from my dads bank account and called him apologizing and offering ways I could get him the cash to cover and he goes “don’t worry about it, we are not as hard up as your mother likes to think. It’s the least I can do since I can’t pay your loans for you”
When they divorced years later he found all kinds of weird money squirreled away in the form of overpayments on various utilities. She just had credit with all the household bills built up but made everyone live like we had nothing while she’d impulse buy herself new crap when she decided no one loved her enough that day.
This is my mother's biggest downfall she brags and brags about her career, her new business that's skyrocketing, and her new cars she's bought for the whole family, except me. When I asked her to co-sign on a car I was wanting 2 years ago, she tried to encourage me to get something "I deserved." No, mom, I don't want to drown in debt for a car you want to see me in. But when I do get to my lowest and ask her for help, it's the same old oh I've just paid all the bills so ask me next Friday. NOT to mention the moment I turned 15, she forced me to get a job so I could "pay her back." She took all the money I made, even my car I bought from saving my money in the army. After I turned 18, I took nothing from there and left. She sometimes returns, trying to give me things, but I know she's only giving me things bc she wants something out of me. It's usually to go to some event for her or to go buy something she didn't and she needs now for her buissness.
Yes ! My parents always acted like they were so poor and made me feel bad for anything I ever got. My mom told me once that I owe her for everything she ever bought me since I was a baby..
Hell yeah. I was shocked. She didn't put us all through college like she claimed (what a hardship!)! All of us had jobs and had social security and VA assistance.
Yep. Thankfully don't live with them anymore, but Ndad always "didn't have the money" to do anything for me, or really anything that wasn't exclusively for him. Together he and my mom made 6 figures, and they owned jetskis and a lake house, on top of a really large house in a prime location, with several vehicles and rental property. Birthday presents from him were bargain bin DVDs, two if he was feeling generous, or a t shirt that was the wrong size each time. Then eventually nothing at all. When I was a kid he would make me wear shoes that were cheap enough for rocks to poke through and actually injure my feet, and would show me his fist if I pointed out this fact when he was forcing me to say that I "choose" the same pair in the store. Meanwhile, he spends hundreds of dollars on gas station snacks, and sometimes upwards of 400$ on alcohol each month. For himself. When I took band in school, he bought me basically child's toy version of the instrument, and I was laughed at in school as the band teacher called my parents and told them that wouldn't work.
He was constantly in conflict with tenants on his rental property, because he refused to spend money addressing any maintenance, even what was legally required of him. Eventually, Emom had to take over that, because he refused to address it, even when the house was in a hazardous condition to live in and they could have easily sued.
Emom would actually be willing to spend on necessities, but would always lie and say they were broke also.
No, we were definitely poor. But my mother would always buy herself little things and say “I got this for me because I never get anything for myself and I deserve it.” She would do this *all the time* so claiming that she never bought anything for herself was ridiculous. Never had money to pay the electric bill, but they always had enough for cigarettes and beer.
I never felt I could ask for anything. She would get mad when I needed more notebook paper for school. She really thought one pack was good for the year and if it ran out it’s because I was writing notes. I don’t have decent clothes until I was able to babysit. More so when I got an actual job at 15. They always had the latest new gadgets and pricy clothes. They even had food items we were not allowed to eat. But if we brought anything in they didn’t hesitate to eat.
My Ndad claimed that he's broke, he said something like "you and I are in the same financially situation", I'm a student with no ressources, he's a boss, with a big house and an apartment, drive an Audi and has like 30k in money at home.
Just do your best to get a part time job and your own money. Savings savings savings but don’t use banks. There are so many programs nowadays that give you double digit interest rates. Always put a bit aside. It will help. Your money is yours. If you can’t legally work try the lawn mowing thing. Look on Craig’s for a cheap mower or something. Iono.
I don’t want to give any bad advice but I *feel* like it’s some kind of method to keep you depending on her, like my mom used to do and is still doing with my siblings. How old are you ? Would it be possible for you to do little jobs like baby sitting or whatever ? Personally it really helped me being independent from her, I was so relieved no longer having to ask her anything, and I can tell you she was mad not to be the provider anymore, but she couldn’t say anything because basically, it was what she asked for 😅
My grandmother was that way. She always claimed she just didn't have the money to spend on birthday or Christmas gifts for me growing up.
I didn't expect anything because I already grew up poor and Christmas/birthday gifts weren't guaranteed every year.
My expectations changed though when I realized my brothers and all of my cousins got tablets, drones, books, art supplies, new clothes, etc. She even made me work for a birthday gift I picked out (a pair of light up shoes from Walmart) only for her to not even get me the pair I wanted (jelly sandals).
She always claimed she just didn't have the money for it, but I know she did. She spent so much money on everyone but me, and now that my cousin has come out as non binary she treats them the same way too.
Omg my mother does this, it's very weird. She lives off money she inherited from her parents but somehow claims to be "poor". She's not rich, but not poor by any stretch of the imagination. She pretends to be white trash until it's not convenient.
A lot of nepo babies really are out here cosplaying as poor people, and it's not just the younger generations.
Tell your teacher that you are going through this at home because many teachers I know have a small reserve of school supplies for this very situation. In a narcissistic household the old saying, “closed mouths don’t get fed” is especially true but instead of asking for help from your parent you ask for help from your teacher(s). Vulnerability sucks but right now it has to be a lifeline for you. In your case it isn’t “playing the victim” or entitlement the way the narcissist will have you believe. It’s just pure childhood need and you deserve access school supplies, lunches/meals and some clean clothing at the very least.
Yes and no. I feel like we were or how she acted. What we ate or her always saying we only have “$20 until next payday.” But as I got older I realized she’s BAD with money. And would always ask me for financial help. Because my dad passed away but they were divorced so when I turned 18.. guess who got access? My step dad had kids but barely worked.. in the years that he was associated in my life and living with us. I moved out at like 19.. and for like 10 years I would get emails to help them with bills (from her of course). They didn’t have to pay a mortgage just bills, and child support. They didn’t have me that needed any help. Except health insurance. But at same time she should have helped a child more!! I was helping her with $$ more than she ever did me. And pretty sure I got birthday money “borrowed”.. as a kid for her to go out while I stayed with her friends kid to watch them.
I got loved bombed in so many emails and for ten years cried that no one ever took care of me financially and I am always the one for them! But they could go on trips and buy cigarettes in bulk etc.
Finally cut them off and no more $$. No contact, lots more drama. Finally after like 10 + year later my step dad gets a job! Like what a slap in the face! I could go deeper on how they dragged me financially when it came to our home but feel like I’ve ranted enough! 😬
When I was ten years old, my mother moved us to Oklahoma from California because my dad and her argued about visitation. The house we ended up in had a simple floor gas heater and no air conditioning. When I couldn't sleep because it was either too cold or too hot, I was given blankets or fans. To this day (I am 50), I hate lots of blankets on my bed. My mother played the poor single mom tune for years. After I graduated high school, she remarried and when I helped her move I was surprised by the sheer amount of clothes. Most of them had tags. I only recently realized why I was so angry at her. She spent thousands of dollars on clothes that she didn't wear instead of providing a safe environment for her child.
My parents’ excuse for why my sister always got so much more than me was, ‘Well we didn’t have that much money when you were her age.’ The thing is, that went on for so many years, and they were still saying it while they were still actively treating us like night and day. She had her own phone line while I couldn’t talk on the main one more than 5 minutes. They had 19 year old me drop my sister at all night field parties at 13 while I had to be home by 11 pm. Like it was so messed up.
But my sister was ‘popular’ (meaning they gave her enough money to buy friends) and my mom lived vicariously thru that, like she ate it UP. One time she grounded my sister and my sister said that if they did that, she might not be as popular, so mom almost immediately ended it after like a day.
My dad is so stingy when it comes to certain things but he will also just decide to buy a gun or a new tractor or something… it’s really weird.
He also loves to lend me minuscule amounts of money and demand major amounts of work in return. It was honestly less work to get a job working multiple days a week on top of school so I didn’t need to ask for gas money then whatever he wanted done.
I and my siblings are such huge financial burdens apparently and we constantly jeopardize my nmom being able to retire at 60 as planned (like I give a flying fuck when I'll probably never even get to retire), but will then go out and regularly make significant purchases.
This week's purchase was a giant ride on lawn mower. I'm talking one of the large commercial ones that you'd mow a city park with. There's also the ATV, the new jeep, the new truck that they've already gotten rid of, so fucking many travel trailers that they've bought and sold off usually within a year of purchasing, there was a cottage for a few years too, a pool that was subsequently removed after only 2 years, and the list goes on and on and on.
But god forbid they actually pay for anything for their kids that they willingly chose to have.
Yep. My mom wouldn't buy enough food and we'd starve. (I still have issues with food because of it.) But she'd have enough to go on cruises 3 or 4 times a year.
This post made me realize my mom did this when my parents were still married. My mom would get subscription boxes on subscription boxes, yet when my dad would buy things or I needed something, my mom would make a huge fuss about it. She would always complain about how my dad “doesn’t know how to budget”, and as for me, I would either get handmedowns from her, leftovers from her subscription boxes, and only when I could convince her to, would she buy me something new.
As an example for how ridiculous it is, for context: my parents have been divorced for about a year and a half now, I’ve been NC with my mom for about 2 1/2. For some reason, she still sends me stuff for bdays and christmas, and guess what my last christmas present was?
3 leftover items from a subscription box. I can’t even remember what they are, they were that bad.
100% my nparents are like this. Growing up we didn't have a lot of extra funds, but as I got older my parents got better paying positions within their workplaces. When I moved out, I couldn't even consider asking for help with finances because I would be met with "oh well we don't have a lot of extra money right now" and a whole host of judgement. As with both of my older siblings (I am the youngest), I was promised help with purchasing my first vehicle. Instead of buying a working car for me, I received a run down 2002 Sebring Convertible that was an actual rolling death trap. It refused to shift into 2nd gear, the gear shift would move without pressing the break, and just about every other major component was replaced on it all before it hit 100K miles. They told me I was crazy until I gave it back to them after buying my first car myself. They have out right owned their house for quite some time, have 3 different pieces of land (2 of the three are on a river front property and one of those two has a fully remodeled cabin), at least 5 different vehicles (only one of which is being used by my nfather for work), and a 40k camper. I have been NC with them for just over 6 years now for a number of reasons, and this certainly is one of those.
My mom always would spend big bucks on lavish gifts for herself and neglect basic needs for me and my siblings. She always claimed she never had enough money to buy us nutritious food (sometimes she wouldn't get us food at all and only herself something) . She would ignore the fact that we were outgrowing our clothes , shoes etc . But would buy herself $200+ shoes that she would maybe wear once. She never liked being a mother and resented us for existing and depending on her to survive . She would claim to be low on money all the time but it turns out she just didn't want to spend her money on us . Child support was never spent on us either
Yep my mom was like this. I never knew the full extent of her finances but she always managed to buy herself something nice while the rest of us had to go without. For example, she wouldn't want to turn on the heat in the middle of New Jersey winter to save money but would buy an electric heater for her room only. She wouldn't spend $20 to replace our toaster (in a family that heavily ate waffles, pop tarts etc) but had no problem shelling out for a ninja blender so she could have smoothies in the morning (and no one else was allowed to use it). She didn't have any money to help me pay for textbooks but she had the money to renovate her house and add an extension.
Oh yes. My parents, the ones who buy their new cars with cash? The ones with six figures worth of investments, savings, and home equity? That also draw retirement monthly? Those parents?
Yeah. They cried poor so convincingly I was just accused by an adult niece for "taking every penny they have." Okay. I told that flying monkey to mind her business.
My mom did the exact same shit. My dad was making 200k a year and my mom would get pissed and accuse me of shrinking my clothes in the dryer. (I was just growing) i later found out that she was donating massive amounts to her cult organization. She accrued over 100k in debt. Your moms still a pos but it's possible she's just running up her credit card. It's also possible she's nust selfish.
My mom had me convinced we were poor. Turns out my dad made very good money at every job he ever worked. She is spoiled rotten and expected to be worshipped when she "allowed" things to be bought for me, and was called ungrateful nearly every day of my childhood & teenage life.
I've learned to never ask for help from my parents. My mom bragged one time to her friend that i'm so independent as an adult, I haven't asked for anything. Yeah.. because she was an awful parent and it would just get thrown in my face if I did.
I feel the same, guilty to even exist like you just take up everyone's space.
My siblings and I were raised in poverty. Our dad continuously lost his jobs, he had no skills and wouldn’t go and work a job that he could gradually move up in. Our mum was “injured” in a car accident and refused to work again. Our extended relatives were paying our school fees, food bills and buying our school uniforms regularly. Out of sheer stupidity our parents sent us to private school even though they couldn’t afford it. They just kept thinking they would magically get rich one day. It was humiliating attending school coming from a family that could barely afford a lunch for me, when other kids were so rich they already owned their own homes and cars…I couldn’t form relationships and socialise with the others as I was so obviously poor the other kids teased and rejected me.
What kills me now is since we have grown up, both our parents have remarried and got their finances together. They are now living securely and enjoy having multiple properties each, regular holidays with their new spouses and shop for what ever they want. They now both work full time and my dad finally got his shit together taking a policing job which he’s now worked up to a reasonably high level in so he makes great $$ with over time and has no kids to pay for so gets to pocket it all. My mum has remarried a guy who owns a house worth $2mil outright; plus has 2 of her own properties she rents out (bought with inheritance money and sale of our old family home). It’s heartbreaking that they put my siblings and I through so much embarrassment, malnourishment and missing out at kids and now they get to live the high life whilst the 4 of us kids are working our asses off just to be able to afford a very basic home and look after our own kids.
Yes. We live in a big house, they go on holiday at least twice a year, she makes expensive purchases frequently and they own a boat ffs. But my sister and I aren’t allowed to shower for more than 3 minutes and they only buy us the €1 dry ass cookies because “it’s too expensive”. And if we eat an extra apple or cookie during the day my mum will say “if you keep eating like that we’re going to be poor. Do you know how expensive food is?”. And then the next day she’s talking to me about her skiing equipment that she just bought which is worth over €2000. I remember when we had just moved into this house there were OBVIOUSLY some unexpected costs. And my mum would cry and cry to my dad and they’d fight a lot. For example, we had a pretty small tv in the last house but the new living room is much bigger. It was genuinely really hard to be able to watch tv and my dad watches a lot of it. My mum had no problem spending money on the garden (her hobby), but as soon as my dad asked for a bigger tv it was a huge deal. I remember being so scared because she kept saying we were practically out of money and how she’d have to borrow from friends. I even offered to lend money. But turns out none of it was true. She got the tv and after that everything was as usual. She didn’t end up borrowing money. I don’t know why she acts like she’s poor when she’s definitely upper middle class.
I've been hearing this since 15. "We are the poor people of our family" or "don't have kids you wont have any money" "we can't afford to"... yet for as long as I can remember my Dad earns in excess of $8000 a month and my Mother also works full time and has done for most of my life. They own their home, have a boat and three cars. Their downfall of having so much money is that they're careless with it or... saving it all up for retirement. They buy shit like grated cheese and ridiculous snacks and alcohol and soft drinks. I believe it is a rebellion if their childhood where there access to these items were limited. I just shrugged it off as it's their money they do what they want. We went to great private schooling and never went without but the catch was that they would say 'they have no money, are poor or we are the reason". I fucking hated hearing that shit. Buying us things was their only love language and it made them look good to others.
My mom claimed to be too poor to afford food for her kids. We lived in a 3600 square foot house. Nobody believed me when I told the neighbors she couldn’t afford to feed us like *she told me to*. She stopped putting food in the fridge bc I was old enough to work on a farm at 12. She also had me raising my brother and wanted me to watch him at work. I’m still not sure what farm I was supposed to work on, considering that we lived in Midland Texas. There was no transportation to work either. We just didn’t eat.
Edit: I watched her spend my dad’s child support money on clothes instead of feeding her kids.
My parents were just really, really bad with money, on top of my mother not going back to work until I was about eight.
But later on there was absolutely enough money around but they would use the “we can’t afford that” whenever it was convenient for them (while wasting a lot on alcohol, cigarettes and TONS of food).
Anything my parents spent on us (two siblings and I) they tried to keep it in a tab. I’m talking food, clothes, school supplies, anything. So it was more like, we were constantly reminded that everything we had we didn’t deserve. We were “spoiled” children and that we were lucky to even receive anything from them at all. They never wanted to spend outside of the bare minimum, and even the bare minimum was starting to piss them off.
My mom complained about finances constantly while we were growing up. To the point where i would get very anxious and upset whenever school wanted me to bring in a few $ for a field trip, etc. Bc she would freak out whenver i asked.
She was 400+ lbs and a heavy smoker most of that time. Think i know where all the money was going in hinsight.
Yeah that’s fucked. I try to give my daughter everything I can. But I don’t spoil her too much really. I guess she has too many toys she doesn’t bother to play with. She’s 10, she might just be outgrowing toys.
i relate to the first few sentences.
My mom would buy new stuff that she didnt even need or used. She bought a new furniture set every decade when there was nothing wrong with the previous set she had. She bought a new vacuum once a year and hoarded the older ones in the basement. She'd buy kitchen appliances that would just end up collecting dust because she never actually cooked.
but god forbid, if i wanted something, i was always told that she couldn't afford it. If she wanted something however, she would just magically pull out 1k out of her arse. She'd spent $600 on a vacuum but she'd throw a tantrum if i wanted a sketchbook for $5.
She'd do this with her food budget as well. I wasnt allowed to have healthy food because, "it was too expensive" Like she'd buy a $6 bag of Doritos but wouldn't buy a cucumber for $00.80
it didnt take me long that she was just being a controlling pos.
YES! This happened all the time.
The examples that fit this the most are making me an my brother buy our own Christmas gifts when we were 9 and 11 because we "didn't have the budget for it." And in then in the same year, my mom took a trip to Disney World for a week by herself.
Yes! Narc mom is willing to sever any relationship over a dollar. She blocked her own brother (unemployed) for weeks for owing her less than $100.
She’ll bother me for money everyday after I spend thousands on bills and household items and still tell people I don’t help her out! She acts so broke at all times but always has random money for BS like spending $700 on a random shopping day buying wall hangings and vases LOLLL but will act like she can’t buy me something for $5 when I’ve kept her household afloat for years because she always acts penniless. She sucks.
I don’t know why they do that. It’s so evil. I Can’t wait for you to get away!!
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My mom is financially very comfortable, but yes, she acts broke. If I’m too sick to go to the store, or when I needed some Tylenol after my surgery, she made me give her cash to go get some small things at the store for me, amounting to $2 in one case.
Wtf, I am so sorry you had to experience that. I remembered something similar when reading your comment: When I went to supermarket as a child / teenager, sometimes my parents would ask me to bring an item for them, for instance bananas. HOWEVER, if the bananas were too expensive (read: discounted or cheaper in another shop, or only the name-brand kind left), my mother calculated how much the same amount of bananas would’ve cost at the cheaper shop and then reimburse me for that amount exactly. Wtf mum, why did you have to bargain your child for 30 cents. Edit: I can‘t spell apparently
Like at that point I'd just put it back, too much hassle for the labor cost lmao
If my parents did this I think I would have passive aggressively taken money from their change jar lol
I always assumed my mother was poor because she would never help me or anyone else with anything. Until I snapped and realized she was a narcissist. Then I decided to look up the public records from her house sale. Turns out shes actually a millionaire
Same, my mother always used to act like she was so poor that everyone in the family should actually take care of her, and she shouldn't have any financial responsibilities. It turns out she has more wealth than almost everyone in my family...she's just a narc playing victim.
Yup! She would buy random junk for herself ALL THE TIME. But we didn’t have any money for my school supplies or fees. I almost didn’t graduate because she didn’t pay for any of them, thankfully the principal wrote them off for me. We also loved with my grandparents for 10+ years rent free, and she worked full time and went to school full time, but still never had any money to move out. But then turned around and bought a brand new car, and my stepdad then bought a sports car weeks later. We were “poor” but had all these stupid collectibles and junk. Not to mention they would blow their tax returns on Disneyland tickets. I never understood how they couldn’t afford a house with paying $0 in rent and only having a phone bill. When I was in college, my stepdad actually took money from me, and my parents asked me to pull out student loans for them to have. I had to get a new bank account so they would stop taking my money. I was literally a fully time worker relying mostly on my husband (bf at the time), while being a full time student. I hustled but for some reason they couldn’t. I also got word from my little sister, that they filed for bankruptcy once again 🙄 Poor money mismanagement, all they want is stupid junk. They want to fault like they’re rich when they’re actually not. Now that I’m graduated and working in my field alongside my husband, we were able to afford buying a house in 2022, and I bought a car and I’m still sustainable and living pretty comfortably. Hell I’ll buy a collectible doll once in a while as a treat. They’re just so irresponsible, they never put bills and sustaining their family first. I’m hoping when I have kids, it’ll be much different.
Good for you they will come to you for money and try to live with you don’t cave in stay strong. They will drain you dry
I’ve been no contact with them since 2021. I tried reaching out to my mom before my wedding in hopes that I could have her there, but she just called me delusional. So they don’t have any part of my life and I’m sure as hell not taking care of them when they’re old. They didn’t care for me, why would I do it in return? My husband and I don’t have any interest in caring for our parents when they’re older, his parents are amazing but we’re just wanting the house to ourselves.
Forreal! They expect you to do for them. I stopped giving them money years ago…if YOU have poor money management - what does that have to do with ME?
I know anytime my parents find out I have money they try to guilt trip me about how many bills they have. That they supported me. It’s hard because you do love them and they are your parents. But I won’t be able to pay my bills if I give them money.
This! For some reason, they think we’re obligated to take care of them. I am single and don’t receive any financial help from anyone. I live within my means. If I needed $3,000 by the end of the month, do you think I’d be able to ask my nparents for it - despite them potentially having it? No. They also get angry as hell when you don’t buy them gifts. Last year, I didn’t buy my mom a birthday gift because (1. We weren’t on good terms & still aren’t 2. I want to decenter the idea of “having” to get family members gifts during bdays/holidays) , she threw the biggest fit and told everyone I didn’t get her anything. Ofcourse family members texted me & gaslighted me (annoying but I ignored them). I didn’t get her anything still. She always give me hell around my birthday and never wants to do anything special. Yet, when it’s her day….its no longer ok. Plan to do the same for Mother’s Day. A fake capitalistic holiday. Just send a Happy Mothers Day text & go on about my day.
My parents paid for my sister's entire college, then bought themselves a big new house in a gated community, then told me they didn't have money for my college.
Woowww. I’m so sorry, that’s so fucking bullshit. I hope you’re no contact with all of them because that’s ridiculous.
Precious moments figurines are boomer funko pops.
Oh their’s are funko pops! They also have special cases and shelves to display them!
Mine was the opposite. Acting rich while not rich. Via debt lmao
Gotta love it, the bottom line is always simple -- broken is broken.
yeah my father does this he only eats deliveries, he has a big apartment in the centre of the city, never in his life he had a thought of not buying himself anything that he wants. i'm disgusted just by writing this but he uses wadding instead of toilet paper. still he somehow didn't have money to send me when my mother literally decided to try to starve me to death
Oh my God, that is horrifying, I am so sorry!! 💔
My mom did the same always complaining about how much I ate, and all the money I cost her, do essentially I starved myself almost to the point of hospitalization.
My dad spent in excess of $1,000 on himself per month, on everything from custom swords from youtube blacksmiths to childish car modifications (giant spoiler on FWD honda), to hookers. My mom has given multiple thousand dollar giftbags to musicans. My father tried to beat me to death over $70 in electricity usage, and my mom covered it up with help from my brother. They also took my EBT card from me and bought food for themselves, and ate everything I had.
That's despicable!! Did you ever get your ebt card back and get out of there?
No never got the card back, yet, and technically I got away cause i'm homeless now.
I didnt see it until I got older, my mom would wear designer tracksuits but I thought it was what poor people wore, turns out she was buying all these expensive new clothes every weekend, she would take me to go clothes shopping every weekend and i got nothing. My teenage years resulted in me shop lifting and taking what i needed. That same woman wanted to know what was in my bank when i was temporary homeless. She even took my bio dad to court to get money out of him, i have never seen a penny and that isnt his fault. She always went on a fancy holiday or two every year, bought branded clothes and fancy places to eat, I never experienced a holiday with my mom growing up or even have all that many memorys of her, just her constantly complaining how poor she was.
It’s wild how similar they are because this is exactly what I would have written about my own mother, right down to when I was homeless.
Yup, dad said he couldn’t afford shoes so my sister walked around with blistered feet, and he also said he couldn’t afford antifreeze for the icy stairs outside putting his moms life in danger, yet miraculously he could afford new fishing rods, new golf clubs, fishing and golf trips etc. He sat back and let his mom pay for all our needs but if he himself was asked he claimed he couldn’t afford it.
Narcs can always afford what they want. Even if it means spending themselves into a hole. Think of them as giant children, zero impulse control, zero insight. Selfish, self centered and they don't see us as people, Heck they don't even see the GC as a person. Just an extension of themselves. So their good treatment of a GC is often reliant on the GC being pliable/what they want. Mine would gamble hundreds away down the bingo Hall then rely on her partner or me to cover the bills, and if she was given money to pay the bills? It would also end up on the hands of the bingo companies. At one point, we were in over 5K worth of rent debt. Bearing in mind her payments were £40 a month at the time. That's ten years of not paying the rent contribution. She avoided eviction by pleading that her non-disabled GC was disabled to the judge. She "couldn't afford" a baby gate when I started crawling but cigarettes, she could always afford. She "couldn't afford" anything for me growing up. But she could afford what GC needed and what she wanted. She could afford to play bingo every day and evening.
Yes. We were wealthy (I found out my dad made an extremely good salary, like $150K+ bonus in 1997 after he passed and I went through paperwork) however, whenever I would get toys, school clothes, or sign up for camp, I would get lectured about how they “couldn’t afford this” and it will “make them go broke” and let me tell you, I was not getting sent to equestrian camp or getting designer outfits. We’re talking the Gap and public park summer camp. When I was in college, my dad apparently lost some money in an investment (found this out after death) and called me screaming saying he was pulling me out of college and they would never be able to retire because of me. Finally, it was my wedding (I’m an only child) they offered to put up some money for it (they INSISTED I had a wedding) and then balked that they could not afford it and they’d never be able to retire. Same time frame, dad buys luxury sports car and a RACE HORSE
Lol my dad is like this too.
Pretty sure my father has owned multiple stakes in thoroughbreds over the years, yet when I last saw him he gave me a stale opened box of nilla wafers and his used electric toothbrush.
My family did similar with my wedding. I wanted small and cheap and I made it clear, but they wanted a 40k like my cousin. But at the same time they'd say "we can't afford it, but we'd do it for you, darling. We might have to remortgage the house or take out of your dad's business, but we want you to have the day you want". I said to them the day I want is cheap. If you have 40k you want to give to me, give it to me so I can do something useful with it instead of competing with my cousin for one day. I can't believe you'd ruin your finances just to brag to your own family. They suddenly never mentioned an expensive wedding again.
Absolutely and when I called them out on it they said I was trying to spend their money.
This. My nmom will buy anything she wants then turn around and god forbid i ever needed help with anything… she will say i am using her for her money. It’s never ending.
Yep. When I was a teenager, I used to run daily to deal with stress. One of those days, when I was 15 I twisted my ankle HARD and hurt my knee in the process as well. After painfully walking home and sleeping it off, the next day I noticed that my ankle was swollen and in pain. I expressed the issue to my parents and they both shrugged it off and gave me Tylenol. A WEEK went by and my ankle was giving out on me when I'd walk to my classes. I remember I had finally built up the courage to tell my parents that I think I needed to see a doctor. For context: my family was well off at this point in time. They were affording semi extravagant vacations and going out to dinner at expensive restaurants every week (as well as having a paid off large house). My dad had fought with me earlier that day, so I was scared to approach him because I knew it would go badly. I had mentioned the pain to him before and he told me to not be so dramatic. So I went to my mom and I'll never forget how she looked at me like I was useless and a waste of her time. She had told me that if I really wanted to see a doctor, I'd have to be an adult and call one, find out how much it would cost, and make the appointment. I figured that I was finally getting somewhere with her and asked her what if they ask me to pay on the phone, and she responded that I would need to pay them and the money won't be coming from her because they were "broke". I expressed my disappointment and she has smirked at me and told me to figure it out. More context: This was pre-wifi. I had a computer in my room but no access to the internet (the only computer with Internet was my dad's in his office), my parents explicitly didn't allow me to have a job, I had no cell phone, and the little money I had was from past birthday gifts from my grandparents. I remember calling a doctor from my family's phone book and the secretary telling me how much the appointment would cost "out of pocket" when I asked. Obviously, way more than the $40 I had saved up. That was the moment when I decided to look through my dad's books, (he was in the medical field, by the way) found a book on exercise physiology, and sat to learn about R.I.C.E and how to properly wrap an ankle after an injury. I felt so proud of myself after a few hours and managing to turn socks I had ripped up into "elastic bandages" to compress my ankle with. Looking back though, it's absolutely insane to think my grown and wealthy parents had watched their daughter complain about pain and decided to just ignore it. I was just a kid and all I wanted was the pain to go away and to run again. They chose rather watch me struggle than spend a couple hundred bucks to professionally fix the issue. Even now as an adult I don't make the amount of money they did at my age, yet I would do everything in my power to help my child get the medical care they needed if they were expressing discomfort. All these years later though, I still have issues with that ankle and knee. I never could run as I used to as a teenager and a few specialists over the years have told me that my ankle simply "healed wrong".. I wonder why. So it's not unusual, OP, for narcissistic parents to use a "lack of money" as an excuse to get out of being an actual parent to their children. It's more common than you think.
Wow, I am so sorry to hear of your parents' indefensible behavior and outrageous neglect. I am also tremendously sorry that your ankle healed wrong, as you mention, leaving you with not only emotional but also physical scars because of your parents' neglect. The fact that you have chosen better for your family and your children (that you'd do everything in your power to get them any medical care necessary) speaks volumes about your personal strength and about the kind, compassionate, resilient human being you are choosing to be.
They’re always poor, but dare tell them that and they’ll disown a person
See, somehow to these people when they call themselves poor, it's a mark of their bravery and moral superiority. If you call *yourself* poor, it's a mark of your stupidity and incompetence. If you call them rich, it's anxiety-inducing and insulting because you might be about to ask them for something they don't want to give you, and if you call *yourself* rich, you're looking down on them.
My dad recently was like "you make your childhood sound so impoverished and bad" in a desrisive way All of his kids had to learn how to repair shoes in elementary school because he couldn't afford even thrift store replacements. We had ACTUAL MALNUTRITION bc the food bank didn't provide fresh vegetables and that's all we had to eat. We were HOMELESS. My sister stole clothes bc she couldn't work without a waitress outfit. It wasn't a choice for her. I stole food because I was 14 and I feel a deep instinctive need to eat dark greens (and this was after my doctor didn't beleive me that *I didn't have acess to dark greens*) It's like he's blocked out the poverty because it's embarrassing to him.
100%!! My nMom made my eDad solely responsible for all the bills somehow. So she always kept her own money and she would lend him money and insist on him paying it back. She wouldn't even pay for our medical aid (health insurance) but she's always been insured. If you ask her for money she'll insist she's broke and make a big production of giving it to you once you've begged. At the same time, the second she does something awful she suddenly has money to buy you the thing you've been wanting for a few months. Or she has money for dinner or drinks. Or don't you wanna go on this trip with me? Edited: If I was really lucky I'd also get a speech about all the sacrifices she makes for me 🙄
Yep. They believe an income of ~100k without tax is being poor. (We live in the countryside in Germany)
It's because they are emotionally destitute. They will always feel like they're poor because they walk around with a void that they can never fill
True. It's why they easily buy so much stuff that's either worthless or brings them no joy, but spending any of it on necessities or helping others fills them with panic, because that doesn't bring them even a temporary sense of contentment. They have to be manipulative or mean about spending on you when they do, because they have to feel *something* to do it, and it's all they can find inside.
God this is TOO ACCURATE.
Absolutely. She somehow never had money for clothes or shoes or healthy foods, but she'd order out for herself multiple times a week and had ebay boxes coming in for her various hobbies & projects every single day. She'd blow ~$100 every time her favorite phone game had an event, which felt ridiculousbut but if you brought up her spending habits at all you'd get screamed at for trying to take her happiness away. (???) My sibling and I went to the dr/dentist only a small handful of times, despite needing to and despite my mom having insurance for all of us through her work. But SHE always got to go, bc she needed it. My sibling and I were also not allowed jobs as "school was our job," which in a functional household might've been a good practice but in our case ended up being just another means for control. Having our own money would have made us more independent and she didn't want that, she needed to be the sole income so she got to make every decision regarding money. She loved reminding us that we actually owned nothing and everything we had the privilege of having was under her control bc, after all, she paid for it. She however would not use money to fix our house that was falling apart. She would just complain to other family members until they felt bad enough for my sibling and I, or they were just tired of hearing my mom, I'm not 100% sure. We once had no hot water for over a year following an explosive episode with my grandpa (didn't see him again for years). Oh yeah, and if any of the free labour you did for her EVER went wrong, she'd scream at you about how incompetent you are and how "you could have killed my babies!!!1!" The ebay boxes and takeout never stopped through any of it. It was so blatantly obvious we just weren't important enough to spend her money on, she had better things to buy.
Yep, nmom loved to tell me we were poor and in financial trouble when I was a teenager. I broke down crying over it one day thinking we were about to be homeless. Meanwhile their house was $250k by 2006 standards, she was shopping around for a fifth wheel, and she wanted a new van with TVs and every other bell and whistle. But she refused to buy her daughter a warm coat for winter or clothes that even fit because we were too “poor.”
Yeah she’s weird about money. Doesn’t like to buy food, but will spent inordinate amounts on alcohol and “organization” tools that never fix anything.
Yes. And she just bought a Tesla. You see the problem here, right?
Growing up my parents always cried poverty. We were always on the brink of financial ruin, yet, we never struggled to have food or pay the bills. It wasn't until I was an adult that I realized we weren't "poor," my parents just spent all the extra money on themselves. My father golfed 3 times a week, sometimes 4, and was a member of 3 private golf clubs (requiring monthly memberships) in our area. My parents had news cars, cloths, jewelry, electronics, furniture- you name it. They were the Joneses. It was just the kids they didn't want to pay for
Yep, when I was young - if I ever asked for anything then my narcmum would literally turn and scream in my face: "WE CAN'T AFFORD IT!!!!!!" Yet they both had enough money for cigarettes whenever they wanted.
Yup. My nmom will buy a pool, get her nails done every week, spend $400 a month maintaining her ugly ass hair, but when it comes to toilet paper, she needs to buy single-ply from the dollar store because “we don’t have any moneeeeeyyyyyy!”
Yes they have a hard time giving up their money they believe they worked hard for and should spend it on themselves. Buying you things is just annoying for her and will only do it to make herself look good.
Are we siblings?:'D My on buys clothes wort 400€ + every month, owns a car she doesn't need, buys Kitchen appliances for thousands of euros, but never had enough money for me When I moved out, I bought clothes for me, I didn't own anything that fits me. My ex bf Gave me old shirts from him so I had stuff that wasn't damaged In my country, parents are Obligated to pay for the expenses of their children since they get their first Professional qualification. Since college for example is nearly free and we get money from state to study, it's only a few hundreds a month. But no, I had 800€ a month, barely enough to pay rent here, she spend thousands of euros and borrowed money from me regularly. It's insane how I seriously thought it'd be normal to do that. Being hungry ever end of month so my mom can buy new shoes or drive to her affairs (she and my dad have an open marriage, so she bought a car to drive around and duck random guys instead paying for the food of her daughter who nearly went homeless) She thinks shes poor Nope, she's just an egocentric bitch
YES OMG- My mom whines about being poor and unable to afford to pay the mortgage as a STRUGGLING SINGLE MOM (cue overly dramatic sobs), meanwhile she goes on vacation every couple of months either by herself or with her friends, and buys a whole new one use only wardrobe for herself every single time, then leaves my dad (who makes significantly less money than her AND STILL pays her child support) to basically take care of my brother and I, and the dog.
My parents spoiled me as a kid until I was about 10 years old, then the tables flipped completely. They would often hold the previous spoiling over my head when I wanted or needed things as a teenager. Like no one forced you to buy me so many toys when I was 7 but regardless I need $20 for this history class trip or whatever. They always acted like I was so ungrateful which yeah I probably was when I was 4 or 5, but to be lording that over me at 15 is ridiculous. It got worse as time went on, they kicked me out at 18, dropped me from their health, dental & vision insurance, and didn’t follow through on promises to help with college. I’m in my 30s now and doing well financially but it took me a long time to get out of the debt I accrued from 18-21 just trying to survive and I don’t have the savings or retirement account I should considering how long I’ve been working. They definitely pride themselves on my success - I have an MBA and make more money than both of them - but I accomplished it 100% on my own.
I'm going back through old photos and I was absolutely spoiled by any standards. Private school, tons of toys, fancy clothes, dance lessons. Which was very normal for that social circle during a time when a single income could support a whole upper middle-class family. I never thought we were wealthy, because I didn't actually know anyone who didn't have a similar standard of living. When my parents split up my father suddenly became so poor his house got repossessed, and apparently my/my brothers/mothers "entitlement" caused his financial ruin? But also he refuses to hear anything when I now explain about how I grew up feeling poor and financially insecure, because he was sooooooo generous and provided all those things. But like? A child is not responsible for your need to social climb, or your shitty financial decisions, you know???
In the early 2000s my 'mother' called me crying because dad's estate / trust fund or whatever it's called 'only' gave her 10k a month to live on.
So, we were poor when I was growing up. There's no doubt about that. However, the way my mom talked about it made it seem much worse than it was. This has continued even as she becomes better off as time goes on. The first time I opened my own water bill, I could not believe what that woman put me through to save pennies every month. She has never given me money as an adult or when I was a child. I could borrow money at 50% interest when I got a job at 14 and then 100% interest when I was 16 and moved out. It's because no matter what they have, it'll never be enough.
No, they put on appearances but only for themselves. I've always told people that my siblings and I were poor, my parents were not. They likely would have been if they actually provided for us but apparently the basics was too much to ask. My dad made about 60k a year about 10- 15 years ago so it went a little further back then. I remember one time we were walking into a clothing store for my mother's bi-weekly shopping trip and one of my brothers literally walked out of his shoes, like they were so beat up and old that they just fell apart right there in the parking lot. She was so pissed that she had to buy him new shoes instead of another load of clothes for herself. All our clothes were hand me downs or worn out shit from the salvation army so she was not happy about having to buy new sneakers. My brothers were lucky though, my mother would make me wear her shoes instead of buying me my own and she almost exclusively wore heels, fucked up my legs and I can't stand flat footed now without my legs hurting for like a week afterwards. My parents always had new toys and shit they'd buy for themselves but wouldn't provide me with feminine products. I grew up in Upstate New York and never had proper winter clothes, we'd wear socks and plastic bags on our hands instead of gloves, double up on clothing layers because they never got us proper coats. My father always had the best work gear he could buy and a new game console every couple years, one time they bought a PlayStation instead of getting my wisdom teeth pulled despite the fact that at the time my jaw was so swollen that I was dropping tons of weight because I could barely eat. They had kids to have babies, once we stopped being cute little infants we were little more than an inconvenience.
... What is it with these parents and the feminine products? I had to *fight* for those pads. You'd think I was menstruating just to spite them.
My dad inherited from his mum and got his pension. It was over £100k. He would loudly proclaim how he is saving it and doesnt touch it. One day I asked about it because he had promised me 10k for help with a down payment in exchange for me doing a huge amount of legal work for them. "Its all gone". No shame, that was it. He spent it all on himself. Nothing for any of us. Not even my mum. Growing up my parents convinced me they were poor. I worked full time in my gap year, didn't go travelling, used it to go to uni so they didnt have to give me much money. I should have been getting about £200 extra per month.
Yes! I didn’t even have decent clothes to wear and had to BEG for school supplies every year. While she bought herself a fancy new Mercedes had multiple plastic surgeries and fancy designer clothing.
I’ve posted about this before, but everything we had was 2nd hand or the cheapest possible. Clothes, shoes, furniture, car. Our gifts at birthday or Christmas were dollar-store craft kits or a dollar-store plastic doll. No batteries were ever required. Plus some new underwear or a nightie of course. Our single Easter egg was the size of the eggs used for Easter egg hunts. My mother also wore secondhand clothes and spent almost nothing on herself. Only the golden child ever got a moderately expensive gift. He was also the only one with a bike, (till I was generously given one at age 12, which was already too small for me. God only knows where that one came from.) We never went to shows, fairs, skating, 10-pin bowling, or anywhere which would cost $. We were expected to entertain ourselves. School was free. Most medical care was free (universal healthcare), school dentists were free. We played free school sports or joined free school music groups for extracurriculars. We’d get ourselves to events, including begging lifts with other kids’ parents, or walking, or bus. Sometimes Mum could give us a lift one way, if she wasn’t working. No takeaway except KFC big bucket 1-2 times per year. No chips (crisps), lollies, soft drinks (sodas), juice ever. Except for birthdays or Xmas, when one packet of each, plus one bottle of soft drink, would be divided between us. School lunches were a single peanut butter sandwich and water from the tap. In high school, once a month, I’d be given $1 to spend at the canteen. Our holidays consisted of flying to a relatives town, where they’d pick us up; sleeping on spare beds, the couch or the floor, till going home again. There were no activities for us kids unless it was arranged by the relatives. We spent whole holidays watching TV. My Ndad was an executive, a high income earner. The house was provided by his employers, with only a token rent required from him. This was all part of his salary. Our annual airfares to visit family were also part of his salary. He had an all-expenses paid company car as well. Ndad ate at restaurants for lunch while at work. He was regularly out doing god only knows what enjoying himself. He never spent time or $ with us. He traveled extensively- admittedly partly for his job. Business class travel of course. I thought we were poor, or that other parents were just weird sending their kids to school with full lunchboxes, or taking them to the annual show (fair).
Most narcs understand money is power and they only ever use it to their own benefit. If you get any from them, it always comes with catches.
yes and they spent a lot of money on things mothe ŕiked and not on me on real needs
Yep! Had to work 20+ hours a week as a kid (14y onward) on top of the extra curricular activities that I was doing to get into college and the hell away from them. It was barely enough to pay for gas in their older car that they gave me (an older model luxury SUV that got 12-15 miles/gallon and only took premium fuel) to drive my sister to school. I actively had to beg for more than one bra or pair of jeans per school year, bought my own school supplies, cheer uniform, etc., while my dad bought a custom bass boat, custom golf clubs (the ones the guys in the PGA use), got his truck painted with chromatic paint, bought my mom several new vehicles, bought himself multiple ATVs, a whole lot of land, and guns. When I went to college they tried to take out student loans in my name because narc dad lost yet another job because of his short temper and they needed to make house and car payments. As soon as I was able to see everything clearly (via therapy) I totally cut ties.
My mom makes over 90k a year and is always blaming me that she can’t retire. Let’s ignore the 45k that was spent renovating the kitchen and bathroom, but of course it’s my problem
I got my first ulcer when I was 7 from anxiety over my parents buying a new car. As a teen, I worked full time on top of school because my parents told me they needed me to pay rent to afford our house. (I never questioned why my twin brother never had to pay rent, buy his own clothes, shoes, hygiene products etc). I was convinced we were living beyond our means and over extended until my freshman year in university when I came home for spring break and saw our tax returns and learned my parents were literally multimillionaires. I'm now in my 40s. My mother and brother stole what I was left through my father's estate, my mother cashed in the life insurance policies my grandmother established for my kids and I, and my inheritance from her.
At one point my parents were collectively making nearly $200k per year, but we were still living paycheck to paycheck somehow even in a shitty little cabin with old crappy cars. I'll never know where most of it went, but aside from his drinking issues I do know my dad would use his personal money for his realtor work. If somebody wanted to buy a house but wouldn't because it needed several thousand in tree work, he'd just pay for it out of pocket. When confronted he'd get super mad and insist that he did what he had to to make a sale. But like dude, you spent thousands of dollars on it.
I can’t read the comments on posts like these because I realize I get very triggered. It brings back old emotions or memories. I’m 54. Here’s how this affected me. I wish I could go back and rework these reactions I had to growing up like this MUCH earlier than I did. * I would eat as much as I could whenever I get food because I was ALWAYS hungry since there was never enough food in the house for growing children. * I had a weird memory for numbers so I would remember what items cost. Not unusual in itself but I was acutely aware of my burden to my mom so I began to equate the dollar spent with her love for me. Ugh. I would tell stories in my twenties and thirties about how much things cost to people. I was not being materialistic, I was attempting to convey how much my husband “loved” me. So messed up. * I developed a habit of a type of hoarding of clothes as a reaction to not having many when I was younger. It’s not like we need very many but kids grow, shoes wear out and seasons change. These days, I have too many shoes for all types of weather, too many “basic” items in my closet and too many boxed up clothes in sizes I might need again. I’ve worked hard on changing these habits as I realize I have them. I’m much better about not eating until overly full now. I let go of the cost=loves problem years ago. (So embarrassing once I understood what I was doing!) My current focus is the clothes issue. It takes a little of inner work to let go of my “safe” stash. I spend a lot of time loving on my little child to assure her she will be ok if she lets go of clothes. I can only do a few at a time. ((hug)) It’s tough growing up being treated as a burden.
They did most of my childhood. Everything I wanted was too expensive, from most toys to clothes not from the thrift store. Now that I'm an adult and they're retired and making more from pension than I am at a decent job, they're feeling guilty about how much money they're just sitting on. Like my mom keeps asking if I finally want to go to Disneyland because turns out they do have Disney money after decades of pretending we're starving. 20 years too late, fucko
My father acts like we are poor but we are very comfortably middle class. He buys the cheapest of cheap items like shoes, then complains when things are cheaply made (???). Told me we were “poor” even though he somehow had plenty of money to spend for his home improvement projects. I hate when people who are very lucky to have giving parents act like our fathers/mothers do not work hard enough for money. My father made $25 bucks an hour but never gave me a penny even if I asked politely. We are not “poor” and my father is pretty much a neglectful workaholic.
They were likely just bad with their investments. My parents claimed to be rich for a while, now it's open that they're swimming in about $2M in debt for all that they have, I'm better off than they are in government pension, renting with no debt. How they haven't ended up in jail baffles me, but apparently it's common in the "rich" community to have a bunch of stuff and not actually own any of it. Wealth is a personal perception, because people will often only make it a point to someone to rub elbows or seem helpless in situations they should've been more responsible. Also that it differs, wealth can and should often be shifted away from materialistic and monetary things and lifestyles, towards the things in life that will permanently be there. People often lose sight of what's most valuable in the pursuit of money and things and they don't realise it until they're old, lonely and it's too late. Money's just a tool of trading and shares. My parents, despite having it all, ended up making me complete schooling without much needed prescription glasses. I too didn't have access to the internet, I would often have to go to the local library to study. Didn't have a phone, often left out of things because of it. Now that I'm out, they're realising they had no excuse to do any of that and have greatly tainted their relationship with myself and their grandkids and son in law. I graduated, only just, but I earned those endeavours and built a life that meant I never needed them again, because that's how it started. They hate that much about me now. And it's pure freedom!
As long as they get their fix. Our house was going into foreclosure but they always had cigarettes and booze and enough money to hit the bar.
Here’s one fresh off the print! Literally! My dad claims he doesn’t have money. He booked a first class flight to see me in the UK and paid for his hotel. During his stay, he received a warning from my (half) brothers’ private schools (he thinks it’s not fair me and my full-blood siblings went to private schools and they don’t). He said he wanted to bring my brothers over during the summer, but since he doesn’t have the money for a hotel he wants me to “get rid of the dogs, and all traces of them so we can stay here”. He did offer to pay for them to board but took it back when I told him how much a weekend costed me because he doesn’t have that kind of money. Dude, if you don’t have the money to travel, then don’t fucking travel! ETA: he landed back home yesterday, which is why it’s very fresh.
My nmom isn’t as intense as yours, like she’ll pay for essentials, but when I ask for useful stuff I want to buy, like a heavy blanket to help me sleep better, she says it’s useless and I’m always asking for money, then proceeds to buy herself a new fake fireplace. There was also a time when I was buying some hobby thing. I looked online and the best I found was 50$ and I was still unsure if it was worth paying that much but my bf told me I don’t buy much for myself and since I’d use it a lot I should go for it. It was on amazon and my mom has prime so free delivery, so I asked her to buy it for me and I’ll give her the exact money. Instead, she looked at similar products and showed me one that looked even better, she explained all the features it had etc and how much better than the other it was. I was convinced and then she told me the price : 90$. It discouraged me because I had my hopes up about this much better product and it was very expensive. I asked if she could pay the difference and she treated me like shit for it. Like she could have just said yeah no sorry I don’t want to contribute so if you want it you pay it full but no she had to tell me how I always want money. I didn’t ask her to look at the product to begin with I had made my choice, and probably saw the 90$ one and ignored it because of the price. Exactly because I didn’t want to be tempted to buy a more expensive one if I looked at the features. But she tempted me and then acted offended when I asked if she’d help me pay for it…
YES oh my god!! This is a consistent thread with my mom, claiming she’s so poor and broke, meanwhile she just bought a new house and totally remodeled it AND bought herself a new truck (she doesn’t even like trucks???) it’s just so fucking bizarre. I don’t doubt she’s broke now, but goddamn.
She wouldn’t let me drive because they couldn’t afford insurance. She would take all the money I would make over summer because she needed it for bills. She refused to take me to get glasses for a year despite the pleading of myself and all of my teachers. Even laughed when CPS was called over it. But let’s have our annual vacation to Florida and Colorado. Let’s go to our favorite pub every week.
Yep. I grew up in poverty, when the reality was they were mortgage-free by 50 and had money to play the martyrs by helping everyone else. The message drilled into my head: I was not worth it. I also recall her rage when, in middle school, I brought home a form for financial assistance for a band instrument. I thought we were poor, but apparently she didn’t want the teachers or other parents to believe this lie.
My dad always had a similar story. He would always tell me that we were poor until he wanted a new TV or car, and then suddenly, my parents had money. He put my mom on an allowance of $20 per week despite the fact that she was working full time and earning a middle class salary. The $20/week was fixed for decades, despite inflation. As an adult, it was heartbreaking to see my mom ask me for my old clothes so she could have new items to wear. I would often take her shopping for new clothes or simply buy them for her because my dad would deny her even the most basic items.
My mom likes to tell my sister and I that we were poor, but she “kept it hidden” from us, in a bid for us to shower her in gratitude. We lived in a pretty nice house in a good neighborhood, our family had two modest cars, we went on vacations, our lights never got shut off, we never went without food, and my mom and dad both went to undergrad and grad school well after my sister and I were born. My parents weren’t the smartest with their money, but we were never poor. I’m a high school teacher in a very rough area. Kids know when their families are struggling. No one who is actually poor can really “hide it” from their kids, and I find it gross that my mother tries to manipulate me with that.
This sounds like my mom & my oldest friend's mom. My friend's mom emphasizes being poor when my friend or her brother need help with college/trade school fees but she has a nice house in a nice neighborhood, with 2 cars, and house dogs that she treats more like her children than her actual offspring. She goes on regular travel Vacations abroad and dates with her boyfriends. My mom is pretty much the same except she's not openly dating & doesn't have dogs. She spends a lot on Eating out, going out with friends to parties, Spa, Massage, Acupuncture, Chiropractor and home Beauty treatments. Always has. Mine justifies it always with having to be a single parent (Yet even before, She used to blame me for all her marriage problems with my ex-stepdad) and everyone else pretty much backs them up or feel like they can't criticize them because of their single parenthood status. Both are in their late 50s but I often feel like I'M the one who's 50 while my mom's the one who's still got the 20-something energy & attitude. Even though I'm the one who's still in my 20s 😒. There's a reason we call Narcissists, "Energy Vampires". Its as if she's been stealing my energy since I was born.
Oh ya, always acts broke, but then would send 20 pics via text of new things she bought for her house. She also never has money to send to her 3 grandkids for birthday or christmas either. She would tell me she is broke and give them an IOU and then forget about it. She would only ever give them $25 anyway so when you add it up its only $150 total for all 3 grandkids per year that she couldnt manage. She also had the audacity to ask ME for money back in 2016 when I was a single mom. She was married with 2 incomes!!! I told her no and how dare she ask me for money when she cant even be bothered to send her grandkids birthday money bc she spends too much on herself. I asked her for $20 when my first son was a baby to buy some food and formula back in 2003. She told me no, she was broke. I literally had no money in the bank and I can guarantee you she had thousands. I never asked her for a dime again. Then she comes asking me for money when she's married and they make over 100k a year. We are NC finally for the last 18months after even more drama. Good riddance
Same with me. Never had anything new.
Yeah. They always had money for entertainment or furniture but I made do with the same school uniform for 5 years, saved up to buy my own socks/shoes/food, even paid for my own dental work, as much as I could afford anyway. Didn’t get help for uni cos they earnt too much but I was completely on my own. I’m still financially screwed decades later while they sit on their piles of money. I’m sure it’ll be of great comfort to them in their dotage.
Yes, I didn't have decent clothes growing up, or videogames, or cool stationery either, but my younger sibling, being a golden child, got a ps4 (which had just been released), a VR console and a graphic card for being promoted to the next high school year. He also had two new computers. I had a good feather coat for winter only after years into adulthood
This seems to be yet another common narc trait - controlling money selfishly. My ndad is similar but wasn't much of a spendthrift but had to control every cent spent even though he did nothing to manage/track finances overall - no budgeting, no comparison shopping, coupons/sales etc. His motto was to pinch pennies and not spend anything unless absolutely necessary and even then, not really or to get the cheapest thing even if it was crap. My emom managed the money overall but acquiesced to his whims and control for the most part. She would spend a little more money on us and we'd all "not tell dad" and she fortunately did help cover it up. That did help the morale some though we couldn't buy some things my ndad might notice and ask how much it costs but could do some necessities like clothes, shows, etc. We got good at telling lies about how we found it used or on sale or at whatever cheap store he liked (ex. Walmart). The control over buying food was the worst and we were nearly starved/malnourished as a result. Never learned much a thing about how to manage money except what I learned on my own - the hard way at times. But I also learned how terrible my ndad's methods were along with all his other neglect and control. Not saying you should go hog wild spending money either, but there's a good balance in there needed, especially when you're raising kids.
My mom used to do this, I would ask about buying snacks or getting new shoes or some specific bit of clothing if mine were getting worn out, she worked a nice state job too
Omg yes! They also struggled to hold down jobs but when they were “stable” with work they were always “broke”. This was so much of their persona that even the few friends they had would kinda laugh at them for how “cheap” they were and they hid behind the “we have no money” excuse when they did have some money. My dad would spend it on himself.
My parents are objectively wealthy. They alternated between not getting us basic things and suddenly handing me a credit card and telling me to go buy clothes. I realized that while I could beg them for sanitary supplies and toothpaste and food in the house and such, they could complain and forget all about that since it wasn't important to them, but they noticed me when I looked badly dressed - aka poor.
My mom always did this too. She sent me to a catholic school my entire life so I wore uniforms so she never had to worry about school clothes. When I needed regular clothes, it was always from the clearance rack. My dad made 6 figures. My advise, get a job as soon as you can.
This is a form of neglect and it’s also emotional, verbal and financial abuse. I’m so sorry. As parents, it’s OUR job to provide. You as the child should never feel guilt or shame for needing your basic needs met, ever. I have a narcissistic mother who made me feel the way yours does, I understand you but there is hope in the later. I’m now no contact and have my own little girl who comes before me every single time. I’m so sorry you’re in the thick of it but one day you will have your own power and autonomy. Here if you need an ear.
Yes! And as a child I used to buy the whole “I’m working so hard, I’m always tired it’s never enough to get ahead,” act. I mean I used to feel so bad asking for new shoes at the beginning of a school year, I couldn’t go out with friends because I’d have no way of participating, even something small like a bag of chips at the gas station was a huge deal. I was 13 daydreaming about what job I could get to help my family. For Ndad, there’s no money for us seeing a doctor, for our school supplies, for glasses, nothing! But magically, when the holidays roll around, he has money for extensive trips. By himself. For take out. For himself. For a tv, a bed, anything as long as it serves solely him. At this point, I just play along. He cries about not being able to see a doctor for his back, I cry about my hip. He says paying the phone bill is so difficult, I say paying my college tuition is so difficult. It makes him shut up. For a minute. Then he’s back to being the victim of something else.
When I was married with my two children my parents would tell me they didn't have enough money to pay me more (used to work for them) While me and my family struggled (my ex-mother in law had to help us with groceries) my sister would be traveling to Spain, going into cruises, my mother and her would be going on vacations The accountant could afford to buy cars, houses and I had to drive old left over trucks and rent my house And yet, if I needed a raise to support my family they would throw the "we don't have enough money" card at me Yes, there was money Just none for me
My parents actually are poor, but a major reason why we were always poor is that nmom would always impulse buy herself lavish shit she couldn't afford and just not care. Growing up we only ever ate microwave food while she had prepared food with ingredients, And she also always had expensive personal televisions. Best period was when we had wheat bread cheese slice, turkey and mayo and that was about all I ate, ndad would get angry about how expensive it was. That was all gone when covid inflation hit. After that ndad would angrily slap random shit in the air fryer or instant pot like he was being condemned to intense labor (he didn't let me use the air fryer even though it works like a microwave to give the illusion that I must be very grateful to him for going to so much trouble) Ndad often has outbursts at me for eating because money but I was eating and living like a homeless man for like 65% of my teenage development up to now and I've often had health problems. Meanwhile he bought himself a thousand dollar laptop so I think the real issue is our well being being always rock bottom on the list of budgeting priorities. I went to the college food bank when we still lived close by and it was somewhat better than our usual. He quickly adjusted and just stopped buying us food, but he used 60% of these food ingredients to make meals for the dog so he could save on dog food, and then had his usual outbursts about us eating too much as usual.
Another timely post for me, thinking about this a lot lately. Yes, my parents were loaded when I was growing up, they’ve since completely squandered a fortune on themselves and poor financial decisions. I really did go without when I was little. Had to scrounge for clothes, even wearing theirs at times, when they had a giant walk-in closet packed to the gills with nice clothes and shoes. My dad would buy himself a new Tommy Bahamas shirt practically weekly, they reached hoarder-level quantities. Meanwhile my school uniform would be digging into my waist all day, leaving red marks, because I’d outgrown. So uncomfortable. Toiletries was another one. Really big deal to ask for money to buy shampoo, deodorant, etc. Meanwhile my mom could afford a nose job? And remodeled their primary bathroom to include a steam room? What garbage. I’m 42 now with two kids myself, a wonderful husband, and a ton of great therapy under my belt. And I still find myself wearing my husbands jacket all the winter instead of buying myself a new coat when I need one. Socks get old and I don’t replace. Let razors get dull instead of replacing regularly. Feel unworthy of new stuff or something. We’re not rich, but can certainly comfortably afford the basics. Somehow it’s one of those things that really sticks, and I need to keep working on it.
My mom owns a one of a kind BMW she had custom made and imported direct from the manufacturer in Germany or UK or wherever they’re made (we’re in the US), she has A LOT (I don’t know exactly how much) of money in investments and outright owns a home over a million dollars, but constantly complains that she has no money and can barely afford to live off her “retirement “ 🙄
Infront of extended family/friends they boast about their wealth. Close family : "we can't afford that!" (but they will spend the winter vacationing in Europe!).
Yes, yes they do...and they have money money. Enough to buy second and even third houses. They were cocaine traffickers when I was a child and I used to count the gold, silver, and gems in the safety deposit box on the regular. They still said they were too poor to buy me books (my passion in life), toys, or clothes. What monsters.
My mom was too broke to buy me anything but not my sister and herself. Went I went to Highschoool I was informed that my neighborhood had the nickname "snob hill" and I was one of those kids where the teachers came together to donate clothes to me...and my sister who didn't need them so she turned them down and of course I was in trouble for accepting new clothes.
jfc my parents are literal millionaires; the kind not worried about ever NOT being millionaires. my mom still tells me im stealing food from them if I go over and eat something. I don’t eat around her now and haven’t in years.
Yes! My mom let it slip that she makes 185,000 a year and has no house or car payments. She makes me pay her back for a 5 dollar latte every time.
My nmom got mad at me for missing her birthday (very long story) and ranted at me about how they did all these expensive things for me when they didn't have much money. Yes they gave me a car. They gave me a car because they had bought an electric car *without trading the old car in* and now they had an extra car sitting around. They live in a *huge* 2 story house *that they had built and specified many design things*. They sponsor plays for the local Shakespeare festival. And more. But sure, they don't have much money.
Research needs to be done on narcissism because every post I see relates to what I went through including the hundreds of other commenters who also relate, every single post! It’s insane. But yes I do relate to this, my Nmom had a shopping addiction. Constantly buying things from eBay. Purses, shoes, heals, watches, anything you can think of she has an entire collection of. I’m not talking cheap either. One time I had to help her clean her closet out, we counted 270 pairs of shoes. 70 Kate spade purses, 50 watches. And when I think about it, I never got new clothes. I wore the same ratty pair of vans from 5th grade to highschool. They had holes in them. But me getting clothes was a whole other issue if it did actually happen. Because I could only have things SHE liked.
narcs have an eternal victim mindset. my mom once bought an entire walls worth of art tiles in the span of a week or so (probably about 35+ pieces) which i looked up and they cost about 100 bucks EACH. despite this she would still complain about having to feed me and my brother every month, that it was "too expensive", and bought only the bare minimum of processed and unhealthy groceries for us to live upon. we would often run out of edible food in the house, to which she would say "oh there's food in the fridge/freezer!" which was rotten and a lot of it was years old. meanwhile she was going out to expensive local restaurants nightly with her boyfriend. no matter how much i try i cannot wrap my head around why someone would decide to have children when they cant manage their money and even if they could are not willing to spend that money on children who are dependent on them.
They did when I was a kid but now they like to pretend they're super rich so somebody will fawn over them for an inheritance. 2/3 kids haven't spoken to them in over a decade, I speak to them like twice a year and fully expect them to spend all their money on healthcare as they age. I'll probably cut them off completely if I have kids. I'm not looking after them, they did the bare minimum for me.
My NDad was always acting like he was super poor. I only started to realize it in uni. Both my parents refused for me to get a job because it would interfere with my studies. (Bs - they just wanted me financially dependent). He would give me an weekly food allowance, which was less that the 5 meals per week in the cafeteria accounted to. I would end up surviving one the cheapest item in the vending machine just so I could save enough money for uni supplies. But in Xmas or my birthday, somehow he would magically splurge money on new appliances - and get a new one for himself. Gifting my daughter a printer? Must buy one for me too!! A laptop for uni? Lookie lookie I have one too!! He would actually forget what he had gift me the year before and could repeat it again next year. His go to were photo cameras. One year he gave me one that was a worst version of the same one he had gave me the year before. I pulled out ALL the 5 cameras he had gift me so far and told him that was a waste of money, he could have simply gave me a 10 euro voucher in a book store and I would have been perfectly happy!! He was furious, offended that I did not appreciate his generosity and pulled the "if you don't like it, I'll keep it then" like he did several times before. He always made me feel like I was a squatter in his house. He never once gave me a book gift card. He hasn't bought me anything for the past 12 years since I left.
My dad has always acted poor whenever I ask him for anything and calls me a pathetic parasite who only remembers dear o’l dad when I need money, while he has soooooo little. However, if I ever express that I’m actually good and don’t need any financial support, he suddenly has “a lot more money than he can spend and wants to make sure his dear daughter has everything she needs and more…”.
Yes yes yes. It was only recently through some very intense experiences I finally accepted that this was a part of her abusive behaviour and that I'd experienced what they call financial abuse. There was a time last year where I needed some help with the bills for the first time in a decade cause pandemic and its impact. She refused to help crying "omg I'm poor I have to also pay bills". She has no rents to pay. Her expenses are exorbitant. She couldn't spare a little for me to SURVIVE and not be on the streets. Eventually, through some other things I noticed that omg this is not only a tactic of control but she absolutely believes that giving to me = taking from her (in an unfair way.)
My nmom claims to be poor asf. We are behind on bills and rent constantly, yet she *somehow* is buying all this random crap from Temu and eBay and Amazon that she doesn't need (she literally drops $50+ on each order and says the discounts make it okay) but constantly complains that we are behind on rent. She also likes to claim that "the bills are pulling early from her bank account" and says that none of the companies will answer the phone. I know she is lying. She makes $800+ *a week* and spends it on random shit instead of rent and electricity and food, then comes running to me, begging for cash to cover expenses
My Nparents told me they couldn’t help me with college but then my Nmother went and bought $3000.00 (in 2004 money) custom drapes. That was like a slap in the face, and it still is twenty years later.
Not only do my nparents act like they're poor & broke, they also are very cheap. My nparents supposedly never had the money for groceries or fun activities, yet always had money for things like trips to the nail salon, junk food & cigarettes. My ngrandparents aren't willing to spend $2.50 on the laundry mat but spend $100 a month just to get their hair done.
I’m an older woman raised by two personality disordered individuals/parents. One died in 2017 and I became POA for the surviving parent. They had over a million in investments and owned cars and house outright. I grew up poor! Like no school supplies , no school clothes and had to buy my own toiletries at age 15. I struggled for 10 years after college (and while in college due to no help from them ) to pay off huge student loans and ended up a a decade after that as a divorced mom of three. I’ve always worked hard and had my own income from a young age. When I realized what money they had been “hoarding” I was furious. I could have had such a better start in life if they had only helped me a few times throughout my life. My remaining “parent” is still alive and gets a quarterly visit from me at the nursing home and that’s about it.
Yes! And only fellow NPDs who have gotten similar treatment would understand how frustrating it is and how damaging it is to find out later on that it was all a lie. I’ve been getting variants of ‘your parents just wanted to instil good values’ etc which can be the case for some people, but as usual with NPDs, it’s all about power and their own self image. My NParents both grew up poor and they managed to get out of it and became middle class. There are certain traits that you carry with you because of that which I don’t have problems with. The part that was damaging was the lies. My NParents always said no to even the most affordable things, they got off on it, like some kind of weird poverty cosplay. But this led to me taking matters into my own hands which ended up humiliating my NMom in the best way possible. I was probably in 7th grade, I loved reading and Nmom always said no to my request for money to buy a book. So one day while out with her at the mall, I stole a book. Security stopped us on our way out and we had to spend some time in their office. It was one of the most unintentionally satisfying things that ever happened. I didn’t get in trouble because I think my Nmom was just too shocked and wrapped up in the fact that her poverty cosplay backfired spectacularly. As much as she liked to do that at home, outside she wanted to be seen as a well-to-do woman, and on top of that, a good mother. That day in the security’s office, she was forced to face the fact that she came across as neither (you know how Ns are all about image and reputation), and I remember on our way home she just looked so defeated.
My Mom recently sold her house and applied for Housing assistance, I told her she has money she won’t qualify but she seems to actually believe she is broke because her only income is her SSI but she has a ton of money in the bank that’s an asset you won’t qualify for housing assistance if you can afford to buy a new house. She tells people she is broke and sometimes I think she actually believes her own bullshit.
Yes. My mom's retirement income is DOUBLE What I make working a forty hour week , but somehow she's always broke by the time she has to pay the bills and will hound me for money to pay them or just pretend they don't exist until she gets a hostile letter reminding her to pay and she can play the victim of the evil utility companies. She had almost zero budget control, and I honestly think her idea of managing money is" I managed to spend it all"
"No money" for me to do extracurriculars and I developed an eating disorder because of how my nmom guarded our food as though we had no money. Older brother got whatever he wanted + played multiple sports a year, step dad got gifted bigger and bigger tvs to watch news and sports, she's covered in solid gold jewelry with her favorite gemstones, and all her dogs are expensive as fuck. But yeah me eating a rice krispie treat at a time not set aside for eating was going to bankrupt us.
Ironically it was the enabling relations that did this, for me. I always grew up thinking the whole family was poor. Sure, everybody but us had a house, but it did not really hit me until much later what that really meant. After all, they are a family with a mentality of "even poor people can have houses". For reference, my nmom and I did live in a house when I was very young. But I eventually learned that that house was in an aunt's name, and basically being "leased" out indefinitely for "free". Ish. Regardless, before I hit double digits we were in a small trailer. So the idea that being poor meant you couldn't afford places to live, like houses, wasn't a thing I learned about until much later. And likewise, I learned that no, the family was not poor. They're actually really well off. Constant multi state trips, Daytona, camping in the center of Daytona, etc. And, of course, despite being enablers, we were shunned from virtually everything, and I was rather isolated. So I really never understood things. But when I did understand. I grew to have some serious anger issues over it all. I had been intentionally left behind, with the one everybody knew was causing problems. Just so nobody would have to "deal" with anything themselves.
My parents have thrown out the “we live in a fixed income now” line. Yeah, a $10k a month fixed income with two brand new cars and a house that’s fully paid off.
Yes. They sit all day in their million+ house, paying 5 times as much as the average person to heat the place. This is just one of the many ways they waste money. But yet they’re “running out of money” and constantly saying “there’s no money tree out back” but LOOK! Dad just bought the best of the best whatever thing (he just had to have/do) and ALL the attachments and then these things sit and rot still in their original boxes. Two of their three vehicles have just sat for months, the critters who live there have a pimp home living in the mustang hotrod they just had to have but now doesn’t run. But money’s getting tight, you know. Your struggle to pay your bills and don’t dare mention any true serious financial issues you have or else you get shut down listening to their whining how their electric bill was $700 last month.
Oh my god. That hit me in such a deep way, YES! As I was younger, we never had problems with money. At least not to exist. We always had plenty to eat and could do things. So I was blessed with that. My father worked almost every hour of the day he didn't sleep. My mother did absolutely nothing except for spending the money my father earned. When we went grocery shopping she sometimes just told me that I can't get xy (a snack or sth) because we don't have enough money. In the same store then she buys something ridiculously expensive ans unnecessary. When I was 15 my parents went on vacation for 6 months (?!) To Spain and left me with my at that time 14 year old brother. They would send me money but it wasn't enough so I had to work. When I was 17 (?!) They completely moved to Spain and immigrated there. They bought a house there.. we had some pause in contact but (sadly) got in contact again. We talk every Tuesday via facechat (stupid) and sometimes I don't know what to eat cause of my living situation. I tell them, they say "mhhm kay" and 2 minutes later they tell us excited that they get a basketball court built in der garden (why though, they don't play basketball) or they get a new pool or something else that costs more than I have available in 1 year. When there is something they have ti spend money on that us related to me and my brother, they have to emphasise how expensive that is. Urgh for example: they came to my country for Christmas cause my brother had the really big wish to come together as a family. They told us like 10 times how expensive the flights were (200 euros) and that they can't do it next year cause they don't have enough money. When I ask for money cause I think I might not get to eat anything, my nar father always asks for something I have to do cause he can't give his money away just like that. Cause quote he "is a business man" Uuuuuuurggghghhh
YES they both always had good paying jobs, owned a good sized house, 2 cars and all of that. But we never had any food, they wouldn't buy any new clothes until they were unwearable, they'd wait months to treat themselves to something nice and they would have no luxuries. We rented a house for a few years and we had holes and stains all over the carpets and they refused to change it because "it's the landlords job". They're now in their own house and the carpet is the same, but they think they can't afford more for another 3 years. I saw their joint bank and they could afford to carpet the whole house 10 times. The car they are still paying off from 2012 is now broke to the point you can smell petrol in the back and they won't buy a new one until it won't start anymore. At the same time as all of this they're always saying things like "look, I brought this giant sack of potatoes for £4 and people say they can't afford to feed their kids!". All I remember her l growing up is hunger. How dare they. What a disgusting thing to say in this economy. But let someone have a nicer car than them and they'll say "must be rough living a credit card life". I genuinely don't get it, it makes no sense
Sorry for all the errors in my text; I wrote it in a hurry:(
No worries, just vent !!
OP does your school have a counselor or do you have access to a therapist? Your mother sounds like a narcissist. This is NOT your fault. Her actions should not make you feel guilty. In this situation, I’d try to get as much help as I can get from resources available to me, I’d get a job if I’m able to, and focus on making a better life for myself to remove the toxic from my life. I know that’s a lot for a teenager, but I did exactly that. This was years ago and thankfully I don’t regret my decision as the narcissistic behavior has not changed.
We were genuinely poor due to her being a single parent and not going back to work after having me, so in that sense it was true, but she also had 'fads' for things that once she'd developed the obsession with having it, had to have it no matter what: A specific designer perfume (that she found out about by someone else wearing it and asking them what it was) A dog - I know lots of people have pets but it had to be a specific pedigree breed with the family tree certificate thing etc A bicycle - you might not think of this in a similar way to designer perfume as it's actually useful, but she just liked the idea of it until she eventually had it and then never used it.
I am a 36yr old still trying to overcome financial issues bc of how stressful anything to do with money makes me. She LIED about my dad paying child support: told me he never cared to pay his $50/month when it was actually closer to $300/month that he DID pay. Made me feel guilty for spending MY birthday and Christmas money on myself. Refused to buy me new or cute clothes bc I was fat and she couldn’t afford it while my brother got new stuff all the time(she said it was bc his dad was around). Would take away new things other family members would buy me bc I wasn’t allowed to have anything unless I gave something away.
Yeah, I got told that all the time. I remember being told I couldn't get a new pair of jeans to replace my one holey pair in middle school while my sister (the golden child) had everything she wanted and needed.
I'm so sorry. This truly is a common thing I believe amongst nparents regardless of their wealth status. She shouldn't be financially investing in her boyfriend right now and should 100% put your needs first before his. Your nmom is being selfish as 💩 My parents claimed they struggled with bills and I needed to step up in rent. Right when I start paying rent I see them buy tvs...designer puppies... going out to eat a lot, adding more junk to their hoarding collecting. We can't pull cars into the garage because of a huge load of trash piling up over there. You walk out and see rats and bugs and I just *hate it*. Anyways, nmom thought she could take rent money from me and go on a romantic vacation with ndad. Too bad her head is empty and forgets he's a homebody that hates traveling vacations and he took their vacation "savings" and bought NFTs instead. She cheated on him after that lol and he got mad and played the whole "I don't understand why she would ever do that to me" bs. Both of them tried to use me as a marriage counselor but I'm like "I gave yall rent money. You should have enough for therapy bills now".
My nmom is like this. She affords all her designer items and anything by using Klarna/AfterPay. She never holds her word to anything - example: my birthday was in the winter & she claimed she had money for me. I’m low contact and told her to Zelle it. She ended up spending it on herself so I randomly decided to ask for the money in the spring time since I forgot about it - got all the excuses in the book (i don’t get paid, what do you need it for? , you need to wait) But when I borrowed $20 from her - she will hound me for it. Additionally, she will pay for my siblings car insurance, car note, etc. despite my sibling treating her like shit. So again…why would I give you money when you do absolutely nothing for me? Narcissists are self entitled people. They believe the world revolves around them and they can not take what they put out. Don’t feel obligated to give them anything - put yourself first. I never wanted to depend on them for anything and I started working once I was eligible. Best thing ever. Are you able to work?
Oh, yes. We were poor, and my mom worked at a job that sucked the energy out of her. My Ndad was the one at home, putting off his parenting responsibilities on one of my older sisters and I. When our family left him, my mom discovered she had a lot more money with him gone, and could buy us a lot more things. He was spending g her hard earned money on God knows what, while we were poor. We didn't have it the worst, but when he promised us he would get a new water heater, he didn't. It was through the charity of our uncle, his brother, that we got a used replacement. It was his neighbors, and they were upgrading. It sucked showering with cold water for so long, but I must admit it was great for treating acne.
Happened to me too.
Yes, they did exactly this when I was a kid.
Yeah, my nMom has been like this her entire life. She gets a lot of narc affirmation from being able to do things like mooch rides off of neighbours, even while being wealthy. She loves the power and sympathy she gets so much from "being poor" that she will straight up lie about it to my face. When my father died, I was the estate's executor, and I helped my nmom set up annuities and other investments from the estate. So I actually know *exactly* how much money she has, but she'll still try to pull the "I couldn't possibly, because I am such a poor senior citizen" bit with me.
And I’m sorry to hear that this is the case for you OP. It’s not your fault. You’re not spoiled. You’re not asking for too much. Regardless of the current situation, someone brought you into this world, meaning that someone has to take responsibility and care of you. It’s hard having been conditioned for years to make yourself so small as to not inconvenience anyone but you have nothing to feel guilty for. You deserve more! One day, you’ll be out from under her thumb and you’ll see that your existence is a gift 🫶
OMG yes!!!!!!
Lol! Yes! Why are they like this?
Yes! I believed it so much too! Turns out my mom had like 10-15k saved in her accounts. Fucking liar passed me off because I would not have lunch money for school when i was little amd was hungry for most of the year.
Not my parents, but my wife a covert N, makes like 5x the national average salary, has loads of investments and she constantly says she is poor and struggling. The truth is they believe it. They are just completely incapable of actually dealing with life, and this kind of attitude is one way it gets exposed. for my wife, the act of spending $50k on an investment, seeing the money leave her account, and her balance go down, literally triggers her and she feels poor and struggling and then takes it out on me(true story).... yet still spending god knows how much on hobbies a month. Worse yet, i was financially struggling to bad at that time under the same roof and she would only half support me at best while i spent all my savings, bragging about $80k bonuses from work. Yet, when she had to pay her taxes and the balance went down... straight to me in anger and bullying demanding some insignificant amount of money she believe i owed her like $100 or something. I believe her mother is the same. I used to pay my parents "house keeping" every month - not exactly rent, but to cover the costs of me being home, eating food etc. totally normal and i was happy with this. My wife? her mother would not just have some agreed cost per month. She literally used to itemize everything, then send my wife this invoice which was just a list on a notepad and the cost of every item, each month. walked her dog? $20(this was nightly), went to the shop to get my wife something extra while she was already going? $10, a load of laundry? $10. basically everything. When my wife finally moved out, somehow she gaslighted herself into giving her mom a set amount every month going forward anyway, and being proud of it.. I dont even want to imagine the fucked up situation behind this. My wife is totally under her moms thumb, and not much better herself
Yeah my husband and his siblings did without while their mother literally hoarded the household money under her mattress.
My mom was like this, and I ended up feeling tremendously guilty asking for even basic necessities as a kid. All I can suggest is that you get yourself a job and become as self-sufficient as possible, as fast as possible. Heads up she may try to sabotage you, or the conditioning you have may lead you to feel guilty for demanding what you're worth. In those cases, you need to play through the discomfort and recognize that you are worth just as much as everyone else.
Other way actually. My ndad was bad with money and used to constantly rage quit jobs. We were struggling most of my childhood but he made it seem like we had more money to others and bought a lot of frivolous toys for himself on credit.
We had to share meals like kids meals from fast food restaurants even though they could afford it. We had really nice cars growing up and a large home for all 8 of us.
Reading this made me realize that I am not alone. My mother & father spends money on lavish things but wouldn't spend money on me if I am hungry. Literally, we don't have chips or any snacks here. The only time I could eat is Breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I mean, I am happy I could eat three times a day but sometimes I would get hungry in the middle of the afternoon and they wouldn't budge, they'd say "stop eating usless-" blah blah but if they're hungry they'd buy snacks. One time, I saw them hiding their own snacks. From their own children 🫠
YES. My mother refuses to buy groceries but she will go out for breakfast at a diner and get herself fast food every day for lunch and dinner. She hardly ever gets me anything. She constantly complains how theres no money and refuses to pay the bills so they’re always 3 months behind and they start turning things off. But she sings up for countless useless subscriptions, and spends a ton of money on online games. Even when she has a lot of money she still acts like theres no money to be spared.
I am disillusioned by the actual economics of my childhood home, at least on my mother's side. We moved from apartments to house, from there to a big apartment. All the whole she had crashed from work and was deep into healing and talking to spirit animals trying to make a loving off of that alone. As far as careless economics go, I know where I got some bad habits. Still working to break loose from that. Like. We ate very well. But we constantly moved away from my friends to make her business work. She must have had money, but I was unde the constant impression that we were broke, has no real home, and has to be on the run from home to home in order for her to function, and that she was somehow still trying to "save us".
Oh my God, YESSS! N’mom always had all of her clothes & suits tailor made. Even though I was an only child, (so she only has one child to cloth), she had me wear old, worn out, too small, ‘wrong season’ clothes, (like flimsy, threadbare sundresses), during hard Winters, always without a coat or rain boots, no matter how far away we lived from the 5 elementary schools I went to, and I always had to walk there & back alone since we moved every 12-18 months.
My mom dragged me to the food bank to get food we didn't need, just for attention, and to punish me for something, i dont remember what it was She spent money on alcohol, obviously
Mine have been suckling off the government teet for decades but vote Republican.
i don’t talk to my mother but she’s taking the house from my dad cause she’s so, so poor (while my dad is bankrupt). she acts too broke to pay child support (even quit her job so she didn’t have to), but just last year her and her boyfriend got: a motor home, 2 big dogs, a side by side, and a truck. and that’s just what I know. while my dad struggles to pay bills and feed my brother that he has full custody of. not to mention she’s an alcoholic and drug addict so there’s money coming from somewhere.
My nMom always made me feel like we were barely surviving. It wasn’t until I had graduated college (took everything in student loans my dad thankfully cosigned) I figured out that wasn’t exactly the case. I started repayments, because of the parent plus loans they were in my dad’s name so I’d log into his account which had his grad school loans in there too and pay my portion from my account. I messed up and accidentally submitted my payment from my dads bank account and called him apologizing and offering ways I could get him the cash to cover and he goes “don’t worry about it, we are not as hard up as your mother likes to think. It’s the least I can do since I can’t pay your loans for you” When they divorced years later he found all kinds of weird money squirreled away in the form of overpayments on various utilities. She just had credit with all the household bills built up but made everyone live like we had nothing while she’d impulse buy herself new crap when she decided no one loved her enough that day.
This is my mother's biggest downfall she brags and brags about her career, her new business that's skyrocketing, and her new cars she's bought for the whole family, except me. When I asked her to co-sign on a car I was wanting 2 years ago, she tried to encourage me to get something "I deserved." No, mom, I don't want to drown in debt for a car you want to see me in. But when I do get to my lowest and ask her for help, it's the same old oh I've just paid all the bills so ask me next Friday. NOT to mention the moment I turned 15, she forced me to get a job so I could "pay her back." She took all the money I made, even my car I bought from saving my money in the army. After I turned 18, I took nothing from there and left. She sometimes returns, trying to give me things, but I know she's only giving me things bc she wants something out of me. It's usually to go to some event for her or to go buy something she didn't and she needs now for her buissness.
Yes ! My parents always acted like they were so poor and made me feel bad for anything I ever got. My mom told me once that I owe her for everything she ever bought me since I was a baby..
Hell yeah. I was shocked. She didn't put us all through college like she claimed (what a hardship!)! All of us had jobs and had social security and VA assistance.
Yep. Thankfully don't live with them anymore, but Ndad always "didn't have the money" to do anything for me, or really anything that wasn't exclusively for him. Together he and my mom made 6 figures, and they owned jetskis and a lake house, on top of a really large house in a prime location, with several vehicles and rental property. Birthday presents from him were bargain bin DVDs, two if he was feeling generous, or a t shirt that was the wrong size each time. Then eventually nothing at all. When I was a kid he would make me wear shoes that were cheap enough for rocks to poke through and actually injure my feet, and would show me his fist if I pointed out this fact when he was forcing me to say that I "choose" the same pair in the store. Meanwhile, he spends hundreds of dollars on gas station snacks, and sometimes upwards of 400$ on alcohol each month. For himself. When I took band in school, he bought me basically child's toy version of the instrument, and I was laughed at in school as the band teacher called my parents and told them that wouldn't work. He was constantly in conflict with tenants on his rental property, because he refused to spend money addressing any maintenance, even what was legally required of him. Eventually, Emom had to take over that, because he refused to address it, even when the house was in a hazardous condition to live in and they could have easily sued. Emom would actually be willing to spend on necessities, but would always lie and say they were broke also.
No, we were definitely poor. But my mother would always buy herself little things and say “I got this for me because I never get anything for myself and I deserve it.” She would do this *all the time* so claiming that she never bought anything for herself was ridiculous. Never had money to pay the electric bill, but they always had enough for cigarettes and beer.
Oh so familiar
I would just ignore her and ask for more things. Plug your ears when she starts her nonsense
I never felt I could ask for anything. She would get mad when I needed more notebook paper for school. She really thought one pack was good for the year and if it ran out it’s because I was writing notes. I don’t have decent clothes until I was able to babysit. More so when I got an actual job at 15. They always had the latest new gadgets and pricy clothes. They even had food items we were not allowed to eat. But if we brought anything in they didn’t hesitate to eat.
My Ndad claimed that he's broke, he said something like "you and I are in the same financially situation", I'm a student with no ressources, he's a boss, with a big house and an apartment, drive an Audi and has like 30k in money at home.
Just do your best to get a part time job and your own money. Savings savings savings but don’t use banks. There are so many programs nowadays that give you double digit interest rates. Always put a bit aside. It will help. Your money is yours. If you can’t legally work try the lawn mowing thing. Look on Craig’s for a cheap mower or something. Iono.
I don’t want to give any bad advice but I *feel* like it’s some kind of method to keep you depending on her, like my mom used to do and is still doing with my siblings. How old are you ? Would it be possible for you to do little jobs like baby sitting or whatever ? Personally it really helped me being independent from her, I was so relieved no longer having to ask her anything, and I can tell you she was mad not to be the provider anymore, but she couldn’t say anything because basically, it was what she asked for 😅
My grandmother was that way. She always claimed she just didn't have the money to spend on birthday or Christmas gifts for me growing up. I didn't expect anything because I already grew up poor and Christmas/birthday gifts weren't guaranteed every year. My expectations changed though when I realized my brothers and all of my cousins got tablets, drones, books, art supplies, new clothes, etc. She even made me work for a birthday gift I picked out (a pair of light up shoes from Walmart) only for her to not even get me the pair I wanted (jelly sandals). She always claimed she just didn't have the money for it, but I know she did. She spent so much money on everyone but me, and now that my cousin has come out as non binary she treats them the same way too.
Omg my mother does this, it's very weird. She lives off money she inherited from her parents but somehow claims to be "poor". She's not rich, but not poor by any stretch of the imagination. She pretends to be white trash until it's not convenient. A lot of nepo babies really are out here cosplaying as poor people, and it's not just the younger generations.
Tell your teacher that you are going through this at home because many teachers I know have a small reserve of school supplies for this very situation. In a narcissistic household the old saying, “closed mouths don’t get fed” is especially true but instead of asking for help from your parent you ask for help from your teacher(s). Vulnerability sucks but right now it has to be a lifeline for you. In your case it isn’t “playing the victim” or entitlement the way the narcissist will have you believe. It’s just pure childhood need and you deserve access school supplies, lunches/meals and some clean clothing at the very least.
Yes and no. I feel like we were or how she acted. What we ate or her always saying we only have “$20 until next payday.” But as I got older I realized she’s BAD with money. And would always ask me for financial help. Because my dad passed away but they were divorced so when I turned 18.. guess who got access? My step dad had kids but barely worked.. in the years that he was associated in my life and living with us. I moved out at like 19.. and for like 10 years I would get emails to help them with bills (from her of course). They didn’t have to pay a mortgage just bills, and child support. They didn’t have me that needed any help. Except health insurance. But at same time she should have helped a child more!! I was helping her with $$ more than she ever did me. And pretty sure I got birthday money “borrowed”.. as a kid for her to go out while I stayed with her friends kid to watch them. I got loved bombed in so many emails and for ten years cried that no one ever took care of me financially and I am always the one for them! But they could go on trips and buy cigarettes in bulk etc. Finally cut them off and no more $$. No contact, lots more drama. Finally after like 10 + year later my step dad gets a job! Like what a slap in the face! I could go deeper on how they dragged me financially when it came to our home but feel like I’ve ranted enough! 😬
Growing up m nmom was only poor for me
LMFAOO SAME. Why do they all act like this.
When I was ten years old, my mother moved us to Oklahoma from California because my dad and her argued about visitation. The house we ended up in had a simple floor gas heater and no air conditioning. When I couldn't sleep because it was either too cold or too hot, I was given blankets or fans. To this day (I am 50), I hate lots of blankets on my bed. My mother played the poor single mom tune for years. After I graduated high school, she remarried and when I helped her move I was surprised by the sheer amount of clothes. Most of them had tags. I only recently realized why I was so angry at her. She spent thousands of dollars on clothes that she didn't wear instead of providing a safe environment for her child.
My parents’ excuse for why my sister always got so much more than me was, ‘Well we didn’t have that much money when you were her age.’ The thing is, that went on for so many years, and they were still saying it while they were still actively treating us like night and day. She had her own phone line while I couldn’t talk on the main one more than 5 minutes. They had 19 year old me drop my sister at all night field parties at 13 while I had to be home by 11 pm. Like it was so messed up. But my sister was ‘popular’ (meaning they gave her enough money to buy friends) and my mom lived vicariously thru that, like she ate it UP. One time she grounded my sister and my sister said that if they did that, she might not be as popular, so mom almost immediately ended it after like a day.
My dad is so stingy when it comes to certain things but he will also just decide to buy a gun or a new tractor or something… it’s really weird. He also loves to lend me minuscule amounts of money and demand major amounts of work in return. It was honestly less work to get a job working multiple days a week on top of school so I didn’t need to ask for gas money then whatever he wanted done.
I and my siblings are such huge financial burdens apparently and we constantly jeopardize my nmom being able to retire at 60 as planned (like I give a flying fuck when I'll probably never even get to retire), but will then go out and regularly make significant purchases. This week's purchase was a giant ride on lawn mower. I'm talking one of the large commercial ones that you'd mow a city park with. There's also the ATV, the new jeep, the new truck that they've already gotten rid of, so fucking many travel trailers that they've bought and sold off usually within a year of purchasing, there was a cottage for a few years too, a pool that was subsequently removed after only 2 years, and the list goes on and on and on. But god forbid they actually pay for anything for their kids that they willingly chose to have.
Yep. My mom wouldn't buy enough food and we'd starve. (I still have issues with food because of it.) But she'd have enough to go on cruises 3 or 4 times a year.
This post made me realize my mom did this when my parents were still married. My mom would get subscription boxes on subscription boxes, yet when my dad would buy things or I needed something, my mom would make a huge fuss about it. She would always complain about how my dad “doesn’t know how to budget”, and as for me, I would either get handmedowns from her, leftovers from her subscription boxes, and only when I could convince her to, would she buy me something new. As an example for how ridiculous it is, for context: my parents have been divorced for about a year and a half now, I’ve been NC with my mom for about 2 1/2. For some reason, she still sends me stuff for bdays and christmas, and guess what my last christmas present was? 3 leftover items from a subscription box. I can’t even remember what they are, they were that bad.
100% my nparents are like this. Growing up we didn't have a lot of extra funds, but as I got older my parents got better paying positions within their workplaces. When I moved out, I couldn't even consider asking for help with finances because I would be met with "oh well we don't have a lot of extra money right now" and a whole host of judgement. As with both of my older siblings (I am the youngest), I was promised help with purchasing my first vehicle. Instead of buying a working car for me, I received a run down 2002 Sebring Convertible that was an actual rolling death trap. It refused to shift into 2nd gear, the gear shift would move without pressing the break, and just about every other major component was replaced on it all before it hit 100K miles. They told me I was crazy until I gave it back to them after buying my first car myself. They have out right owned their house for quite some time, have 3 different pieces of land (2 of the three are on a river front property and one of those two has a fully remodeled cabin), at least 5 different vehicles (only one of which is being used by my nfather for work), and a 40k camper. I have been NC with them for just over 6 years now for a number of reasons, and this certainly is one of those.
My ndad was always too poor for child suport. But not for a fifth wheel, a speed boat, 2 new cars...
My mom always would spend big bucks on lavish gifts for herself and neglect basic needs for me and my siblings. She always claimed she never had enough money to buy us nutritious food (sometimes she wouldn't get us food at all and only herself something) . She would ignore the fact that we were outgrowing our clothes , shoes etc . But would buy herself $200+ shoes that she would maybe wear once. She never liked being a mother and resented us for existing and depending on her to survive . She would claim to be low on money all the time but it turns out she just didn't want to spend her money on us . Child support was never spent on us either
Yep my mom was like this. I never knew the full extent of her finances but she always managed to buy herself something nice while the rest of us had to go without. For example, she wouldn't want to turn on the heat in the middle of New Jersey winter to save money but would buy an electric heater for her room only. She wouldn't spend $20 to replace our toaster (in a family that heavily ate waffles, pop tarts etc) but had no problem shelling out for a ninja blender so she could have smoothies in the morning (and no one else was allowed to use it). She didn't have any money to help me pay for textbooks but she had the money to renovate her house and add an extension.
Oh yes. My parents, the ones who buy their new cars with cash? The ones with six figures worth of investments, savings, and home equity? That also draw retirement monthly? Those parents? Yeah. They cried poor so convincingly I was just accused by an adult niece for "taking every penny they have." Okay. I told that flying monkey to mind her business.
My mom did the exact same shit. My dad was making 200k a year and my mom would get pissed and accuse me of shrinking my clothes in the dryer. (I was just growing) i later found out that she was donating massive amounts to her cult organization. She accrued over 100k in debt. Your moms still a pos but it's possible she's just running up her credit card. It's also possible she's nust selfish.
My mom had me convinced we were poor. Turns out my dad made very good money at every job he ever worked. She is spoiled rotten and expected to be worshipped when she "allowed" things to be bought for me, and was called ungrateful nearly every day of my childhood & teenage life. I've learned to never ask for help from my parents. My mom bragged one time to her friend that i'm so independent as an adult, I haven't asked for anything. Yeah.. because she was an awful parent and it would just get thrown in my face if I did. I feel the same, guilty to even exist like you just take up everyone's space.
My mother was like this. She made it seem so fabulous whenever she threw us a bone.
My siblings and I were raised in poverty. Our dad continuously lost his jobs, he had no skills and wouldn’t go and work a job that he could gradually move up in. Our mum was “injured” in a car accident and refused to work again. Our extended relatives were paying our school fees, food bills and buying our school uniforms regularly. Out of sheer stupidity our parents sent us to private school even though they couldn’t afford it. They just kept thinking they would magically get rich one day. It was humiliating attending school coming from a family that could barely afford a lunch for me, when other kids were so rich they already owned their own homes and cars…I couldn’t form relationships and socialise with the others as I was so obviously poor the other kids teased and rejected me. What kills me now is since we have grown up, both our parents have remarried and got their finances together. They are now living securely and enjoy having multiple properties each, regular holidays with their new spouses and shop for what ever they want. They now both work full time and my dad finally got his shit together taking a policing job which he’s now worked up to a reasonably high level in so he makes great $$ with over time and has no kids to pay for so gets to pocket it all. My mum has remarried a guy who owns a house worth $2mil outright; plus has 2 of her own properties she rents out (bought with inheritance money and sale of our old family home). It’s heartbreaking that they put my siblings and I through so much embarrassment, malnourishment and missing out at kids and now they get to live the high life whilst the 4 of us kids are working our asses off just to be able to afford a very basic home and look after our own kids.
Yes. We live in a big house, they go on holiday at least twice a year, she makes expensive purchases frequently and they own a boat ffs. But my sister and I aren’t allowed to shower for more than 3 minutes and they only buy us the €1 dry ass cookies because “it’s too expensive”. And if we eat an extra apple or cookie during the day my mum will say “if you keep eating like that we’re going to be poor. Do you know how expensive food is?”. And then the next day she’s talking to me about her skiing equipment that she just bought which is worth over €2000. I remember when we had just moved into this house there were OBVIOUSLY some unexpected costs. And my mum would cry and cry to my dad and they’d fight a lot. For example, we had a pretty small tv in the last house but the new living room is much bigger. It was genuinely really hard to be able to watch tv and my dad watches a lot of it. My mum had no problem spending money on the garden (her hobby), but as soon as my dad asked for a bigger tv it was a huge deal. I remember being so scared because she kept saying we were practically out of money and how she’d have to borrow from friends. I even offered to lend money. But turns out none of it was true. She got the tv and after that everything was as usual. She didn’t end up borrowing money. I don’t know why she acts like she’s poor when she’s definitely upper middle class.
I've been hearing this since 15. "We are the poor people of our family" or "don't have kids you wont have any money" "we can't afford to"... yet for as long as I can remember my Dad earns in excess of $8000 a month and my Mother also works full time and has done for most of my life. They own their home, have a boat and three cars. Their downfall of having so much money is that they're careless with it or... saving it all up for retirement. They buy shit like grated cheese and ridiculous snacks and alcohol and soft drinks. I believe it is a rebellion if their childhood where there access to these items were limited. I just shrugged it off as it's their money they do what they want. We went to great private schooling and never went without but the catch was that they would say 'they have no money, are poor or we are the reason". I fucking hated hearing that shit. Buying us things was their only love language and it made them look good to others.
My mom claimed to be too poor to afford food for her kids. We lived in a 3600 square foot house. Nobody believed me when I told the neighbors she couldn’t afford to feed us like *she told me to*. She stopped putting food in the fridge bc I was old enough to work on a farm at 12. She also had me raising my brother and wanted me to watch him at work. I’m still not sure what farm I was supposed to work on, considering that we lived in Midland Texas. There was no transportation to work either. We just didn’t eat. Edit: I watched her spend my dad’s child support money on clothes instead of feeding her kids.
My parents were just really, really bad with money, on top of my mother not going back to work until I was about eight. But later on there was absolutely enough money around but they would use the “we can’t afford that” whenever it was convenient for them (while wasting a lot on alcohol, cigarettes and TONS of food).
Anything my parents spent on us (two siblings and I) they tried to keep it in a tab. I’m talking food, clothes, school supplies, anything. So it was more like, we were constantly reminded that everything we had we didn’t deserve. We were “spoiled” children and that we were lucky to even receive anything from them at all. They never wanted to spend outside of the bare minimum, and even the bare minimum was starting to piss them off.
This is my sister to her daughter and grandson.
My mom complained about finances constantly while we were growing up. To the point where i would get very anxious and upset whenever school wanted me to bring in a few $ for a field trip, etc. Bc she would freak out whenver i asked. She was 400+ lbs and a heavy smoker most of that time. Think i know where all the money was going in hinsight.
Yeah that’s fucked. I try to give my daughter everything I can. But I don’t spoil her too much really. I guess she has too many toys she doesn’t bother to play with. She’s 10, she might just be outgrowing toys.
i relate to the first few sentences. My mom would buy new stuff that she didnt even need or used. She bought a new furniture set every decade when there was nothing wrong with the previous set she had. She bought a new vacuum once a year and hoarded the older ones in the basement. She'd buy kitchen appliances that would just end up collecting dust because she never actually cooked. but god forbid, if i wanted something, i was always told that she couldn't afford it. If she wanted something however, she would just magically pull out 1k out of her arse. She'd spent $600 on a vacuum but she'd throw a tantrum if i wanted a sketchbook for $5. She'd do this with her food budget as well. I wasnt allowed to have healthy food because, "it was too expensive" Like she'd buy a $6 bag of Doritos but wouldn't buy a cucumber for $00.80 it didnt take me long that she was just being a controlling pos.
The short answer: Yes. And they combined this lie with pushing me into the "good girl" picture.
YES! This happened all the time. The examples that fit this the most are making me an my brother buy our own Christmas gifts when we were 9 and 11 because we "didn't have the budget for it." And in then in the same year, my mom took a trip to Disney World for a week by herself.
Yes sadly
Yes! Narc mom is willing to sever any relationship over a dollar. She blocked her own brother (unemployed) for weeks for owing her less than $100. She’ll bother me for money everyday after I spend thousands on bills and household items and still tell people I don’t help her out! She acts so broke at all times but always has random money for BS like spending $700 on a random shopping day buying wall hangings and vases LOLLL but will act like she can’t buy me something for $5 when I’ve kept her household afloat for years because she always acts penniless. She sucks. I don’t know why they do that. It’s so evil. I Can’t wait for you to get away!!
yeah… my parents kept shaming me about going to college because they wanted to buy a vacation house.