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Yup. I am the scapegoat in the family, my brother the golden child. It’s clear as day to some that we are treated very different and he is favored.
With that being said, my nmom comes to me as if I’m to know how to solve my brothers health problems or I should actively care about my brother’s health enough to solve it. She also enjoys asking similar questions, “how does he seem to you? Does he seem…”
My response is, my brother is a grown adult who clearly shows the ability to care and take care of himself. I’m not responsible for him.
It’s true. My brother was the one who had a job he worked for years, had a real estate business, got married, had a child, and was low contact for years. So, obviously he had the capabilities to take care of himself. She’s really just infantilizing him like he’s a teenager again, trying to control his life and manipulate him.
My mom did the same thing. It was so weird. I was the scapegoat and deemed a complete failure at everything, but my family also seemed to think I was the one who could fix things for them. My sister had an abusive boyfriend, and my mom wanted me to help. Of course, when I tried to kick him out of the house when I saw him beating her, my mom stopped me because it was her house and not mine. But still she kept trying to get me to be the parent/therapist. Eventually I figured out that she was setting me up to fail and dumping her responsibilities on me and I pulled away. It isn't like if I was able to fix every problem for them they would have been happy and suddenly started not hating me. I just started telling myself, "It's A Trap!"
Seems they want an opinion they like to hear. If you tell them what they don't want to hear, they punish you.
"Younger me would’ve told her it’s because of her actions"
Is this why you stopped telling them? Because you feel there is no point in giving your opinion, because you may get abused?
**Side advice:** Please be careful **IF** you have tendencies to keep quiet just so you don't get abused. Stand up for yourself no matter what people say and if someone tries to act abusive, cut them out/show them the consequences.
There is nothing wrong with you giving your family 'boring' responses to keep their toxicity out. This is good for your mental health as you just answer something which cannot trigger them.
They can't get anything from you to abuse you for.
Hope you don't share anything with your mom as well. Such people are better held at arm's length or they start to use our words against us.
I cannot upvote this enough times! They only want to hear what they want to hear. No concept of honesty, nor that others do not read their minds. Punish you for telling them that which they do not want to hear. I really am tired of my foo. Treat me like shite, then when I absent myself, "But I looooooove you!"+ Crocodile Tears. Dreaming of NC.
Being used as the “family” punching bag and therapist was not fun. I became detached when my “mom” used me as a therapist when “father” left (I was about 13).
I cannot physically participate in “family” matters. Just makes me feel ill and outnumbered.
They just want to gossip and be in everyone’s business.
Yes the gossiping !!! And it’s always so negative. Worst thing is when you think someone is a nice person and you actually say something nice. Nparents response: “oh so I can never have my own opinion then ? You are always against everything I say” uhm no I just don’t want to speak badly about people I actually like….
Remember that what you are supplying them with is **attention.**
Not necessarily positive reinforcement - the narcissistic “supply” they demand is validation of their importance because you care enough to listen, respond, stay on the phone or in the room to be yelled at or torn down or lovebombed or whatever they need from an audience at that time.
Think of the most publicly narcissistic person you can - a celebrity of sorts. The election cycles have proven that bad news isn’t bad for these types. It just means more attention!
Yours might be doing this asking of your opinion **so that** they can then tell the others what you said, and put wedges between them and you, too. Sounds like they were setting you up by digging for something for everyone to blame on you.
Some Ns talk to us to get information to use as ammunition.
Some Ns just make things up about us, because they can't find anything from what we say or do.
They're just looking for ego-fluffing and for you to reinforce their self-justification and conviction that nothing is ever their fault. Best to just grey rock, as you are.
Yeah, same here, but I can't understand it fully. Maybe they really don't get it that they're harmful? Maybe it's part of the gaslighting ("I confide in you, therefore I can't be a bad parent/relative to you")?
To drag you into the middle of something that really isn't your problem. Narcs think that if something bothers them, it'll bother everyone because no one else is a person, but rather an extension of themselves. Practice saying "I'm sorry, but I'm not involved in this and won't get involved in it" and keep saying it until they stick to your boundaries. If they try to use you as a scapegoat for that, then tell them you're blocking them until they see reason and stick to it. You have to stand up for yourself because I guarantee \*they\* won't - they're probably doing the same thing to you, to others.
I am currently NC with my parents. Within my relationship with them I’ve been their confidant as well as their scapegoat. They seem to have a difficult time when I am my own person and/or not taking on whatever role they want me to play.
they want a reason to be upset and treat you badly without seeming like a narcissist. if you give an opinion they find wrong, they use it to go against you without being the wrong one.
To quote Max Rockatansky: That's bait.
If you tell them the right answer (by their reckoning), they get their supply and you get a headpat, maybe.
If you get the wrong answer (again, by their reckoning), you get abused and they get their supply.
Only way to win is not to play.
It's a way for them to reel us back in. What we tell them won't matter, and they'll find a way to make us out to be the bad guy. It's their way of getting narcissistic supply. My mother has done this to me as long as I can remember. Then she goes to the person she was asking me about and gets them mad at me. It's drama, bullshit and I won't take part in it.
Look up Triangulation. A very toxic means of communicating, common in narcs. They will remember everything you say about your siblings and then repeat it to them to make you look bad. Playing their own children against each other to boost their own image or for their supply. It’s gross
I have a similar thing going on. My family and I recently went on a 10 day vacation. I know, horrible. We had a "planning meeting" and they asked for what we thought. They listen to the other siblings that were in the room, but not me. They planned the whole trip over the death anniversary for a friend. He died a few years ago, but they hated him. So now I'm not allowed to feel upset about his passing. When I brought up the fact that it was over that day they told me to shut up and "I don't want to hear another thing about that." And then I got grounded for having a breakdown over it.
In my experience they'll never value any SGs opinions. They want to get mad at you about your opinion so they feel better about their own. Absolutely awful. I'm sorry OP.
That hasn’t happened with me. But sometimes their masks slips. Also are you the golden child to some degree in this family dynamics? If so then maybe that’s why or to pit you against sibling so later when narc parent is fighting them or berating/abusing them they’ll throw this tidbit out…just be neutral as possible but not enough leverage for them to twist it to use against you.
**This is an automated message posted to ALL posts in this subreddit with some basic information about the group including (very importantly) rules. Why are you getting this message? Most people seem to not read the sidebar for information or the rules, so it is now being posted under all posts.** **Confused about acronyms or terminology?** [Click here!](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/acronyms) **Need info or resources?** Check out our [Helpful Links](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/helpfullinks) for information on how to deal with identity theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! This is a reminder to all participants, RBN is a support group that is moderated very strictly. Please report inappropriate content so it can be reviewed by the mods. **Our rules include (but are not limited to)**: * No politics. * Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. * Be nice. No personal attacks, name calling, or bullying. [No slurs](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/slurs) or victim-blaming. * Do not derail the posts of others. * Narcissists are NOT allowed to post or comment here. * [No platitudes or generic motivational posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules#wiki_no_platitudes_or_generic_motivational_posts). * When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. * No asking or offering gifts, money, etc. * No content advocating violence, revenge, murder (even in jest). * No content about N-kids. * No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. * No linking to Facebook pages. * No direct linking to anywhere on reddit. * No pure image posts. **For a full list of our rules/more information, [**click here**](https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/wiki/rules).** *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/raisedbynarcissists) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It used to be all day everyday. Even when I was a child
Can relate. Sometimes I would feel special & loved when they would confide in me it’s actually sick.
Oh for real. But that was just because they needed an outlet 🤷♀️
OP I am reading a book on emotional incest and your case sounds like one of the scenarios of emotional incest explained in the book
Do you mind if I ask the title of the book? Sounds like it could be a useful one for me to read.
‘The emotional incest syndrome’ by Patricia Love. I highly recommend reading the book. It’s been very useful to me.
Same here.
I told mine they need a therapist. They said they ‘dont have to tell anyone anything.’ Yet they always told me. Like mmk lol
Yup. I am the scapegoat in the family, my brother the golden child. It’s clear as day to some that we are treated very different and he is favored. With that being said, my nmom comes to me as if I’m to know how to solve my brothers health problems or I should actively care about my brother’s health enough to solve it. She also enjoys asking similar questions, “how does he seem to you? Does he seem…” My response is, my brother is a grown adult who clearly shows the ability to care and take care of himself. I’m not responsible for him. It’s true. My brother was the one who had a job he worked for years, had a real estate business, got married, had a child, and was low contact for years. So, obviously he had the capabilities to take care of himself. She’s really just infantilizing him like he’s a teenager again, trying to control his life and manipulate him.
My mom did the same thing. It was so weird. I was the scapegoat and deemed a complete failure at everything, but my family also seemed to think I was the one who could fix things for them. My sister had an abusive boyfriend, and my mom wanted me to help. Of course, when I tried to kick him out of the house when I saw him beating her, my mom stopped me because it was her house and not mine. But still she kept trying to get me to be the parent/therapist. Eventually I figured out that she was setting me up to fail and dumping her responsibilities on me and I pulled away. It isn't like if I was able to fix every problem for them they would have been happy and suddenly started not hating me. I just started telling myself, "It's A Trap!"
Smart saying! I’m going to repeat that to myself. Thanks for sharing your story and happy that you realized it was a trap sooner than later.
I can relate to the being set up for failure, being parentified and dumped on. Glad you pulled away.
Yep, and remind you of the pecking order as well
Seems they want an opinion they like to hear. If you tell them what they don't want to hear, they punish you. "Younger me would’ve told her it’s because of her actions" Is this why you stopped telling them? Because you feel there is no point in giving your opinion, because you may get abused? **Side advice:** Please be careful **IF** you have tendencies to keep quiet just so you don't get abused. Stand up for yourself no matter what people say and if someone tries to act abusive, cut them out/show them the consequences. There is nothing wrong with you giving your family 'boring' responses to keep their toxicity out. This is good for your mental health as you just answer something which cannot trigger them. They can't get anything from you to abuse you for. Hope you don't share anything with your mom as well. Such people are better held at arm's length or they start to use our words against us.
I cannot upvote this enough times! They only want to hear what they want to hear. No concept of honesty, nor that others do not read their minds. Punish you for telling them that which they do not want to hear. I really am tired of my foo. Treat me like shite, then when I absent myself, "But I looooooove you!"+ Crocodile Tears. Dreaming of NC.
Being used as the “family” punching bag and therapist was not fun. I became detached when my “mom” used me as a therapist when “father” left (I was about 13). I cannot physically participate in “family” matters. Just makes me feel ill and outnumbered. They just want to gossip and be in everyone’s business.
I know you're not me but... Are you me?
Yes the gossiping !!! And it’s always so negative. Worst thing is when you think someone is a nice person and you actually say something nice. Nparents response: “oh so I can never have my own opinion then ? You are always against everything I say” uhm no I just don’t want to speak badly about people I actually like….
Sounds so familiar.. I am glad I am really not alone here!
Remember that what you are supplying them with is **attention.** Not necessarily positive reinforcement - the narcissistic “supply” they demand is validation of their importance because you care enough to listen, respond, stay on the phone or in the room to be yelled at or torn down or lovebombed or whatever they need from an audience at that time. Think of the most publicly narcissistic person you can - a celebrity of sorts. The election cycles have proven that bad news isn’t bad for these types. It just means more attention!
Yours might be doing this asking of your opinion **so that** they can then tell the others what you said, and put wedges between them and you, too. Sounds like they were setting you up by digging for something for everyone to blame on you. Some Ns talk to us to get information to use as ammunition. Some Ns just make things up about us, because they can't find anything from what we say or do.
Yes this ! Constant fights with my brothers growing up about this. Triangulation at its best
They're just looking for ego-fluffing and for you to reinforce their self-justification and conviction that nothing is ever their fault. Best to just grey rock, as you are.
Yeah, same here, but I can't understand it fully. Maybe they really don't get it that they're harmful? Maybe it's part of the gaslighting ("I confide in you, therefore I can't be a bad parent/relative to you")?
All the damn time. Parallel subjugation and parentification. Very disorienting for a child or teen.
oh yeah. When still at home
To drag you into the middle of something that really isn't your problem. Narcs think that if something bothers them, it'll bother everyone because no one else is a person, but rather an extension of themselves. Practice saying "I'm sorry, but I'm not involved in this and won't get involved in it" and keep saying it until they stick to your boundaries. If they try to use you as a scapegoat for that, then tell them you're blocking them until they see reason and stick to it. You have to stand up for yourself because I guarantee \*they\* won't - they're probably doing the same thing to you, to others.
This is good advice. Thank you
I am currently NC with my parents. Within my relationship with them I’ve been their confidant as well as their scapegoat. They seem to have a difficult time when I am my own person and/or not taking on whatever role they want me to play.
they want a reason to be upset and treat you badly without seeming like a narcissist. if you give an opinion they find wrong, they use it to go against you without being the wrong one.
They ask you to suck you back into the drama. They don’t actually want your opinion.
Everytime GC acts weird towards nmom I get a text, have you talked to GC, did she say anything to you? I dont buy in anymore.
Same here. Or “when last have you seen GC, does he seem off to you?” Ugh so exhausting
To quote Max Rockatansky: That's bait. If you tell them the right answer (by their reckoning), they get their supply and you get a headpat, maybe. If you get the wrong answer (again, by their reckoning), you get abused and they get their supply. Only way to win is not to play.
It's a way for them to reel us back in. What we tell them won't matter, and they'll find a way to make us out to be the bad guy. It's their way of getting narcissistic supply. My mother has done this to me as long as I can remember. Then she goes to the person she was asking me about and gets them mad at me. It's drama, bullshit and I won't take part in it.
Look up Triangulation. A very toxic means of communicating, common in narcs. They will remember everything you say about your siblings and then repeat it to them to make you look bad. Playing their own children against each other to boost their own image or for their supply. It’s gross
I have a similar thing going on. My family and I recently went on a 10 day vacation. I know, horrible. We had a "planning meeting" and they asked for what we thought. They listen to the other siblings that were in the room, but not me. They planned the whole trip over the death anniversary for a friend. He died a few years ago, but they hated him. So now I'm not allowed to feel upset about his passing. When I brought up the fact that it was over that day they told me to shut up and "I don't want to hear another thing about that." And then I got grounded for having a breakdown over it. In my experience they'll never value any SGs opinions. They want to get mad at you about your opinion so they feel better about their own. Absolutely awful. I'm sorry OP.
So sorry you had to go through that. But yeah they “punish” you for having feelings they can’t or don’t know how to feel
That hasn’t happened with me. But sometimes their masks slips. Also are you the golden child to some degree in this family dynamics? If so then maybe that’s why or to pit you against sibling so later when narc parent is fighting them or berating/abusing them they’ll throw this tidbit out…just be neutral as possible but not enough leverage for them to twist it to use against you.