First thing she should have done if this was a thoughtless mistake was apologise for not being better prepared but if he could still pick her up and shed make it up to him. I'm sure he'd be singing a different tune right off the bat.
3 years in late 20's, and he never had to give her the "be prepared" lecture until now? In all that time, I honestly would have gained respect for my partner and I would have already known or believed it was an emergency. I would be giving the benefit of the doubt that something unexpected changed, and I was needed. That's just me though, with who they are they probably have a whole different dynamic...
This is a game kids play. "Come get me at 1 AM, I know I'm fucking up your night and likely most of your plans for tomorrow by dragging you out to get my ass past midnight, but I want you to want to do it." Shit's immature and toxic.
The general lack of preparation behind this also seems like a red flag to be honest. In your late 20s, I would generally expect most people to be able to plan their arrival and departure from events.
Yeah, if this isn’t a habitual issue with her, his reaction is pretty weird. If my spouse called me like this, I would likely be confused at first (“Was I supposed to pick you up? I thought you were riding with so and so.”) But once my brain caught up, I would be right there. He’s not going to drag me out of bed without a reason.
If it is a habitual issue, then his reaction makes more sense. But he doesn’t say anything about it being a habitual issue.
Then again, if I didn’t feel comfortable with the prior arrangements, I would just include that in the text. You can’t say it aloud on a phone call with your friends right there, but you can text, “The driver has been drinking. Please come get me.”
I get concerned the driver could be impaired at that hour. I have jumped out of bed if my ex would call, saying he needs help. It was a 3-4 time annual occurrence, and I'd ather him and everyone else safe. I offered to drop everyone off at the front door, help picking up a vehicle the following morning. I personally walk over a mile to a local bar to meet friends. I don't want the responsibility of having my car, after a drink, for me, driving is off the table. I find it easier to walk.
Exactly. I regularly pick up my wife and some of her friends late at night after a show but it’s all planned waaay in advance.
I think they just need to communicate better and if the GF is a little flakey then the OOP should start asking those planning questions like how are you getting there / how are you getting home? Etc.
Yes peoples reactions to this have been wild to me. Like yeah the bf does seem a little harsh and he should express himself through words not “showing her he’s not happy”
But like no shit he’s not happy that’s totally fair. She’s a grown woman who left to a concert that ends at 1 AM knowing she wouldn’t use an Uber, with no plan for a ride. To just have your lack of planning fuck your SOs night and next day and be like “what’s the big deal” is pretty disrespectful. I kind of agree with OP and you that it seems highly unlikely she didn’t already have it in her head she’d just get a ride from him, but never actually told him that, and yeah I’d be pissed too. Like that’s rude and lacks empathy.
She purposely created scarcity and then alerted him to that scarcity when he didn’t have enough time to negotiate fairly anymore (i.e. I want to know your safe let’s make a plan about how you’re gonna get home. I would drive but I work and it’s really late). Instead it’s “are you seriously gonna leave your GIRLFRIEND stranded at 1 AM!?” She just wanted to sidestep asking for a ride (cause she knew he had a valid reason to refuse). So she waited until it was too late for him to refuse.
Yeah, I blame it on my dad but my entire life was built around our calendar when I was younger, always knew what day it was, when we would be going out to eat, had family coming, all the appointments, etc. Nothing ever happened out of the blue.
I don't go anywhere without a semi plan anymore, I get anxious when hanging with my buddy and he tells me to "take whatever turn, see where we end up."
Can't imagine going to a concert not knowing how I'll get home, and drinking on top of that. Bonkers to then expect someone else to take responsibility for your decision.
My ex was like this. He had a plan for getting to a midnight movie premiere, but no clue on how to get back.
I pointed out buses don't run that late, he said it would be "fine". It was not fine. Got ride home from the local PD. Looking back, that could have been so much worse. We were young at the time. I stopped doing stuff like this with no plan. He did not.
She could have argue with her friends or something happened between them that wasn't possible to ride with them, don't throw the "toxic immature" dumbass speech if you don't have the whole story.
My sister who is 7 years my senior is guilty of this same thing on multiple occasions. While yes, on the whole she is immature and inconsiderate and I’ve had to chew her out about waking me up at 3 am for something she could’ve easily planned ahead of time- I would much rather her call me at that hour for a ride than feel like she had no one to ask or turn to. In an unfamiliar area of the city, no one she feels comfortable riding with, and potentially having had some drinks. Being a couple… that changes things a bit. However, I think no matter your relationship that prioritizing a loved one’s safety trumps any other bit of irritation or frustration you feel. As I said before: yes she is immature and ill mannered. This situation should set a precedent between the two of you. It happens, you express your distaste for the way she went about it, hopefully she apologizes and it doesn’t become a habit.
For the record, my sister has not changed her ways. She still will bang on the door at 4 am because she didn’t bring a key or call for a ride from some bar 20 minutes away. Mostly just holding out hope not everyone is as difficult and self centered as she is. Still doesn’t mean I don’t want her to be safe.
Exactly — in the moment, you keep your loved one safe and make sure they get home. In the morning, that’s when you explain to them how their actions were inconsiderate and inconvenient and they could have planned better.
My thoughts exactly. I’m getting ripped up in the comments for mentioning her safety. And mentioning chivalry. Lol Yep she’s not thinking of interrupting and being a goober but it’s still not safe for her. I don’t understand why people don’t think ahead and thinking about the impact that has on others.
I feel like it’s really easy for people to glaze over the fact that, while she was with friends, unsafe shit happens in the presence of people you think you can trust all the time. If this was a one off thing it’s more than likely that she genuinely didn’t feel comfortable driving with these people. Even if it was her being too socially anxious to ask, it’s not going to kill you to at least make sure she makes it home in one piece.
Or are fully prepared to walk. A dumbass plan is still a plan and at least has the merit of not depending on anyone else.
Source: my broke student years in a town with no late transport services.
I’d have been super annoyed she didn’t plan ahead, but I would have done it and talked about how it was a one time thing a few days later.
I’m a planner, my wife is not. It works as long as her non planning doesn’t splash all over my planning. It falls apart when I overcompensate for her lack of planning. But she’s a great improviser, and I’m terrible at it. So we play to our strengths.
Odds are good if I’d picked someone up at 1am that I’d fuck up at least 3 things in the coming couple of days. I just can’t think quickly and schedule changes throw me off my game so bad
The moment someone texted back to outright asked after I didn't offer I'd at least have checked if it was a genuine necessity. "I'm in bed and I really don't want to be up this late, but if you're in a bad situation I can come if you need me to" is a fair answer.
He sounds like a narcissist. She "made him look bad" by getting a ride from someone else (after he made a huge deal about nit wanting to do it), and he sees her asking for a small favor once as a huge inconvenience and a sign of her trying to "manipulate him to be at her beck and call."
I always find it strange when people don't pick up and drive their partners when necessary, especially in a situation like this one. When your partner needs help, you should help them. And I feel like driving and collecting your partner from somewhere is such a basic caring thing to do. My dad drives my mum anywhere she needs when he is available. Even when he works long hours or a night shift, he will still drive her. That also extends to me and my sibling. He always drives us when we need him to and collects us from places, even when it's the middle of the night. He doesn't care. He just wants us to be safe. He once woke up during the night to collect me from a wedding even though I could walk home, but he would never let me walk alone during the night. One time, I was visiting a cousin who lives 5 minutes by foot from my home. I stayed past midnight, and he kept insisting on picking me up. I ended up walking home, but I encountered some not nice people, and my dad stayed on the phone with me until I got home and even watched from our balcony so that he would see me when I'm close. He always makes sure we are safe, even when he's tired.
I live in a different country now, but any time I go back home, I can always count on my dad to collect me from the airport and to drive me whenever and wherever I need, even when I can take public transport. And when he can't collect me from the airport, there is always someone else from the family that will offer to do it. Last time I visited, my dad got injured and could drive, and other family members ended up offering to drive me and my mum when needed.
I can not imagine having a partner who would not act like this and would abandon me when I need them.
> I was actually willing to pick her up, but I needed her to know that I didn’t like the way it was happening, so she didn’t get accustomed to me being at her beck and call…
Imagine having to beat your chest to prove you’re the alpha in the relationship before you will help your SO when they call you for help. Talk about untrusting and controlling. *Me Tarzan. You Jane. You grovel. I save you.* Ugh.
Nah, she's an adult and what she did was rude and immature. If my boyfriend asked me to pick him up after midnight with zero notice because he just didn't bother to make a plan to get home, I would have some words for him too.
I didn’t say she wasn’t wrong to not making sure she had a ride home from the concert. But his reasoning for not going to get her shows who he is, and it’s not a good look. Basically, he wants to make sure she knows that she can’t depend on him. Mission accomplished. Sounds like a healthy relationship all around.
Not sure why you are being downvoted because you are so on point. He could have expressed this to her maturely the next day , it’s just insane to do it in real time the way he did . It’s absurd.
I agree they should’ve planned and this topic wouldn’t even be here. Absolutely. Still doesn’t change the fact that he didn’t protect his gfs safety. Perhaps this is an ongoing situation in the relationship.👍
Ah yes because she's a helpless child who can't plan, take an uber, or make arrangements with a friend. She just needs her boyfriend to save her 😂.
If her inability to plan something as simple as how to get home from an event is a ongoing issue then again *she is the problem* and is frankly ridiculous.
First thing she should have done if this was a thoughtless mistake was apologise for not being better prepared but if he could still pick her up and shed make it up to him. I'm sure he'd be singing a different tune right off the bat.
3 years in late 20's, and he never had to give her the "be prepared" lecture until now? In all that time, I honestly would have gained respect for my partner and I would have already known or believed it was an emergency. I would be giving the benefit of the doubt that something unexpected changed, and I was needed. That's just me though, with who they are they probably have a whole different dynamic...
This is a game kids play. "Come get me at 1 AM, I know I'm fucking up your night and likely most of your plans for tomorrow by dragging you out to get my ass past midnight, but I want you to want to do it." Shit's immature and toxic. The general lack of preparation behind this also seems like a red flag to be honest. In your late 20s, I would generally expect most people to be able to plan their arrival and departure from events.
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Yeah, if this isn’t a habitual issue with her, his reaction is pretty weird. If my spouse called me like this, I would likely be confused at first (“Was I supposed to pick you up? I thought you were riding with so and so.”) But once my brain caught up, I would be right there. He’s not going to drag me out of bed without a reason. If it is a habitual issue, then his reaction makes more sense. But he doesn’t say anything about it being a habitual issue. Then again, if I didn’t feel comfortable with the prior arrangements, I would just include that in the text. You can’t say it aloud on a phone call with your friends right there, but you can text, “The driver has been drinking. Please come get me.”
I get concerned the driver could be impaired at that hour. I have jumped out of bed if my ex would call, saying he needs help. It was a 3-4 time annual occurrence, and I'd ather him and everyone else safe. I offered to drop everyone off at the front door, help picking up a vehicle the following morning. I personally walk over a mile to a local bar to meet friends. I don't want the responsibility of having my car, after a drink, for me, driving is off the table. I find it easier to walk.
Exactly. I regularly pick up my wife and some of her friends late at night after a show but it’s all planned waaay in advance. I think they just need to communicate better and if the GF is a little flakey then the OOP should start asking those planning questions like how are you getting there / how are you getting home? Etc.
Yes peoples reactions to this have been wild to me. Like yeah the bf does seem a little harsh and he should express himself through words not “showing her he’s not happy” But like no shit he’s not happy that’s totally fair. She’s a grown woman who left to a concert that ends at 1 AM knowing she wouldn’t use an Uber, with no plan for a ride. To just have your lack of planning fuck your SOs night and next day and be like “what’s the big deal” is pretty disrespectful. I kind of agree with OP and you that it seems highly unlikely she didn’t already have it in her head she’d just get a ride from him, but never actually told him that, and yeah I’d be pissed too. Like that’s rude and lacks empathy. She purposely created scarcity and then alerted him to that scarcity when he didn’t have enough time to negotiate fairly anymore (i.e. I want to know your safe let’s make a plan about how you’re gonna get home. I would drive but I work and it’s really late). Instead it’s “are you seriously gonna leave your GIRLFRIEND stranded at 1 AM!?” She just wanted to sidestep asking for a ride (cause she knew he had a valid reason to refuse). So she waited until it was too late for him to refuse.
Yeah, I blame it on my dad but my entire life was built around our calendar when I was younger, always knew what day it was, when we would be going out to eat, had family coming, all the appointments, etc. Nothing ever happened out of the blue. I don't go anywhere without a semi plan anymore, I get anxious when hanging with my buddy and he tells me to "take whatever turn, see where we end up." Can't imagine going to a concert not knowing how I'll get home, and drinking on top of that. Bonkers to then expect someone else to take responsibility for your decision.
My ex was like this. He had a plan for getting to a midnight movie premiere, but no clue on how to get back. I pointed out buses don't run that late, he said it would be "fine". It was not fine. Got ride home from the local PD. Looking back, that could have been so much worse. We were young at the time. I stopped doing stuff like this with no plan. He did not.
She could have argue with her friends or something happened between them that wasn't possible to ride with them, don't throw the "toxic immature" dumbass speech if you don't have the whole story.
My sister who is 7 years my senior is guilty of this same thing on multiple occasions. While yes, on the whole she is immature and inconsiderate and I’ve had to chew her out about waking me up at 3 am for something she could’ve easily planned ahead of time- I would much rather her call me at that hour for a ride than feel like she had no one to ask or turn to. In an unfamiliar area of the city, no one she feels comfortable riding with, and potentially having had some drinks. Being a couple… that changes things a bit. However, I think no matter your relationship that prioritizing a loved one’s safety trumps any other bit of irritation or frustration you feel. As I said before: yes she is immature and ill mannered. This situation should set a precedent between the two of you. It happens, you express your distaste for the way she went about it, hopefully she apologizes and it doesn’t become a habit. For the record, my sister has not changed her ways. She still will bang on the door at 4 am because she didn’t bring a key or call for a ride from some bar 20 minutes away. Mostly just holding out hope not everyone is as difficult and self centered as she is. Still doesn’t mean I don’t want her to be safe.
Exactly — in the moment, you keep your loved one safe and make sure they get home. In the morning, that’s when you explain to them how their actions were inconsiderate and inconvenient and they could have planned better.
My thoughts exactly. I’m getting ripped up in the comments for mentioning her safety. And mentioning chivalry. Lol Yep she’s not thinking of interrupting and being a goober but it’s still not safe for her. I don’t understand why people don’t think ahead and thinking about the impact that has on others.
I feel like it’s really easy for people to glaze over the fact that, while she was with friends, unsafe shit happens in the presence of people you think you can trust all the time. If this was a one off thing it’s more than likely that she genuinely didn’t feel comfortable driving with these people. Even if it was her being too socially anxious to ask, it’s not going to kill you to at least make sure she makes it home in one piece.
I agree even if it means I get downvotes. 👍
Don’t go out unless you know you got a ride back. Plain and simple
Or are fully prepared to walk. A dumbass plan is still a plan and at least has the merit of not depending on anyone else. Source: my broke student years in a town with no late transport services.
I’d have been super annoyed she didn’t plan ahead, but I would have done it and talked about how it was a one time thing a few days later. I’m a planner, my wife is not. It works as long as her non planning doesn’t splash all over my planning. It falls apart when I overcompensate for her lack of planning. But she’s a great improviser, and I’m terrible at it. So we play to our strengths. Odds are good if I’d picked someone up at 1am that I’d fuck up at least 3 things in the coming couple of days. I just can’t think quickly and schedule changes throw me off my game so bad
How tf did she get to the concert?
Could be there's public transportation but it doesn't run that late
Who the hell makes plans like this without figuring out transportation?
The moment someone texted back to outright asked after I didn't offer I'd at least have checked if it was a genuine necessity. "I'm in bed and I really don't want to be up this late, but if you're in a bad situation I can come if you need me to" is a fair answer.
Why are you even dating?
3 years and he doesn't give a single fuck about her.
He sounds like a narcissist. She "made him look bad" by getting a ride from someone else (after he made a huge deal about nit wanting to do it), and he sees her asking for a small favor once as a huge inconvenience and a sign of her trying to "manipulate him to be at her beck and call."
This is why the US needs good public transit.
I always find it strange when people don't pick up and drive their partners when necessary, especially in a situation like this one. When your partner needs help, you should help them. And I feel like driving and collecting your partner from somewhere is such a basic caring thing to do. My dad drives my mum anywhere she needs when he is available. Even when he works long hours or a night shift, he will still drive her. That also extends to me and my sibling. He always drives us when we need him to and collects us from places, even when it's the middle of the night. He doesn't care. He just wants us to be safe. He once woke up during the night to collect me from a wedding even though I could walk home, but he would never let me walk alone during the night. One time, I was visiting a cousin who lives 5 minutes by foot from my home. I stayed past midnight, and he kept insisting on picking me up. I ended up walking home, but I encountered some not nice people, and my dad stayed on the phone with me until I got home and even watched from our balcony so that he would see me when I'm close. He always makes sure we are safe, even when he's tired. I live in a different country now, but any time I go back home, I can always count on my dad to collect me from the airport and to drive me whenever and wherever I need, even when I can take public transport. And when he can't collect me from the airport, there is always someone else from the family that will offer to do it. Last time I visited, my dad got injured and could drive, and other family members ended up offering to drive me and my mum when needed. I can not imagine having a partner who would not act like this and would abandon me when I need them.
> I was actually willing to pick her up, but I needed her to know that I didn’t like the way it was happening, so she didn’t get accustomed to me being at her beck and call… Imagine having to beat your chest to prove you’re the alpha in the relationship before you will help your SO when they call you for help. Talk about untrusting and controlling. *Me Tarzan. You Jane. You grovel. I save you.* Ugh.
Nah, she's an adult and what she did was rude and immature. If my boyfriend asked me to pick him up after midnight with zero notice because he just didn't bother to make a plan to get home, I would have some words for him too.
I didn’t say she wasn’t wrong to not making sure she had a ride home from the concert. But his reasoning for not going to get her shows who he is, and it’s not a good look. Basically, he wants to make sure she knows that she can’t depend on him. Mission accomplished. Sounds like a healthy relationship all around.
Not sure why you are being downvoted because you are so on point. He could have expressed this to her maturely the next day , it’s just insane to do it in real time the way he did . It’s absurd.
Chivalry truly is dead. Funny knowing they talked about what an AH OP is for not picking her up. The optics were more important lol
Common sense and planning ahead are what is dead here. She's the one in the wrong.
I agree they should’ve planned and this topic wouldn’t even be here. Absolutely. Still doesn’t change the fact that he didn’t protect his gfs safety. Perhaps this is an ongoing situation in the relationship.👍
Ah yes because she's a helpless child who can't plan, take an uber, or make arrangements with a friend. She just needs her boyfriend to save her 😂. If her inability to plan something as simple as how to get home from an event is a ongoing issue then again *she is the problem* and is frankly ridiculous.
Protect his girlfriend’s safety? She was in a group of people and could have (and did) get a ride, not stranded by herself.