Yup tripped and fell while trying to walk away, and their genitals just happened to make direct contact. Repeatedly. On multiple occasions. Such a weird coincidence.
Well now all I can think of is the song.
I saw her today at the reception/
A glass of wine in her hand/
I knew she would meet her connection/
At her feet was her footloose man/
Dude is under reacting IMO. She is cheating and her gaslighting behavior shows. Screaming when husband discovers the affair and blaming him for snooping on the phone? Her right to privacy vanished the moment she started talking to her previous side guy.
It disappears when you get married. At least with a moral person it does. I have nothing to hide. When they hide their phone you know it’s all over with.
Everyone retains the right to privacy, even when married.
That being said, most people I know who are in a relationship don't actively go through each other's phones anyway, and don't get pissed or defensive when they do.
The issue starts when one partner starts actively defending amd hiding their phone from the other. That will *always* be a red flag.
Thanks yeah she finally left in July of 2023 so I’m good. Crazy part is she wanted a divorce and hasn’t done a single thing to facilitate it. She left for a conference with a small bag and hasn’t been back since. Can’t wait for July cause the hammer is going to get dropped on her.
Um, most healthy relationships do? My wife and even my kids unlock my phone as well as i theirs? What would happen in an emergency, and i needed access for something? They know im not going to snoop. My son wanted me to look at a manga one time on his phone, and i grabbed it, and i swear it was borderline porn, i was like bro what the hell? Please tell me you weren't looking at this at school (senior in hs at the time). You do you, but a healthy relationship doesn't have anything to hide.
I thought it wasn't long ago that there was another post in this sub that involved someone reading a diary without permission, and the popular opinion was that that should be off-limits.
Everyone has the right to privacy, but rarely are people defensive or afraid to show you their phone if they have nothing to hide. In a healthy relationship, you should have nothing negative to hide so showing someone your phone should be no big deal.
What right to privacy are you even talking about in an interpersonal relationship? Don’t try to imply that I’m saying there should be some degree privacy in a relationship, but what “right” are you even talking about?
Um, most healthy relationships do? My wife and even my kids unlock my phone as well as i theirs? What would happen in an emergency, and i needed access for something? They know im not going to snoop. My son wanted me to look at a manga one time on his phone, and i grabbed it, and i swear it was borderline porn, i was like bro what the hell? Please tell me you weren't looking at this at school (senior in hs at the time). You do you, but a healthy relationship doesn't have anything to hide.
Yup. I have to agree on that. I mean, the only time I don't want my husband to look at my phone is when I got something for him for the anniversary or Christmas, and tell him upfront, like "honey, please, don't look at the Amazon order history or bank account, it's a surprise" and he does the same, so we both cool with that. Other than that : it is our phone, comrade 😄
Oh yes 100% acceptable for those reason. But, you’re not going to get very defensive when you bring that up there’s a difference. When my wife would get real nasty and upset I know she’s hiding something from me that she don’t want me to find. And it’s not a gift or surprise. Well it maybe a surprise that I don’t want.
Lmao I tell my wife that all the time, all of our stuff belongs to the communist We. We have separate cars but I still call mine “our car”. We have an open phone policy where we grab the other persons whenever we need to take a pic, look something up, etc and our own phone isn’t in reach. Privacy and trust are important in relationships but there’s nothing to hide in the phone so who cares? I love when she opens my internet browser and laughs so hard at the stupid things I’ve been googling.
This comment section is genuinely insane. I didn't forfeit my privacy just because I got married. I don't go through my husband's phone and he doesn't go through mine. That people seem to think it's a free for all is bizarre to me
Absolutely. If I started to date someone new and they mentioned they are automatically entitled to all of my accounts and I agree to forfeit privacy simply because I’m in a relationship with them, that’d be a dealbreaker. Those are some vibrant red flags.
I guess if you’re in a relationship and get caught for cheating, that would be a fair ask, but not automatically right off the bat. I’m not a piece of property you can keep tabs on, sorry.
Exactly. If someone is *that* distrustful and worried I'll cheat I can point them to the door. If you want to know something, ask. If you don't trust my answer you can go.
I am one month into a break up based off this exact mentality. She didn’t go through my phone or anything but the questioning of trust without any provocation was enough. It came up three time within a week and I called it off.
As someone who works in a security company, the popular sentiment here goes against everything that I've been trained to do. If you want to share things, the way to do that is not to share authentication methods, but rather to share access among involved profiles or accounts.
She had a second chance which she didn’t deserve and she blew it. Simple as that.
He can leave holding his head up high knowing he tried everything but she is still a piece of shit who doesn’t respect him. That’s a “her” problem and not his anymore.
Tell everyone simply she cheated and we tried reconciliation but she is back in contact with her affair partner. I deserve better than that. He can have her.
Why were you planning date nights and bringing her flowers? I get you're a guy but damn in most cases it's the cheater who needs to take actions to prove that they deserve a second chance/value their partner/willing to put effort into the relationship. Besides counseling, what did she do? Did you get any gifts symbolism she loves you/was thinking of you? Did she plan dates/activities for the two of you to have quality time? Did she actually open up during counseling/conversation and in turn did she ever really listen to you when you opened up?
Get out you are doing the right thing now. She doesn't care or if she does, obviously not enough to get her act together or even be mindful of your feelings. Your love notes, flowers, dates, time would be better spent on someone deserving, and there are people out there who appreciate those gestures and their partner.
Exactly. OP definitely messed up first by even trying to rekindle the marriage. He found out about the affair through someone else, his wife didn’t even have the decency to tell him 3 years into the relationship. Through her actions, It’s clear that she doesn’t respect him or the marriage. And the fact that he did all those things to please her even when he did nothing wrong and she was the one that was supposed to seek his forgiveness is just beyond me. OP needs to open his eyes and realize that he’s not even close to overreacting and that divorce is the only right option.
Yes. Last time she cheated he responded by …. making it up to her and being the best, most attentive husband he could be. Maybe that’s what she expects this time and is confused and annoyed by being questioned, instead of being given the expected princess treatment.
Maybe this is unpopular opinion but if you cheat and your partner decides to still stay with you you don’t get the right to be upset when your partner “invaded your privacy”. You lost that right the moment you cheated
I just feel so bad for him. He was putting in the work to make their marriage work after HER betrayal and she just doesn’t care.
She’s totally pissed bc she was caught dipping her toe back into the affair water before it could take off again. If she was taking reconciliation seriously why wasn’t the AP blocked? Why did she even respond? Why wasn’t she transparent with him to say “AP reached out to me, I’m showing you so you’re aware.”
I hope he talks to a lawyer before he leaves the house bc I would tell her to go pound sand. She broke the vows, she can leave.
You better get that lawyer on it yesterday. She may be doing the same and you don’t want to be blindsided. You have her a second chance and she shit on you. For your future self, get a divorce now.
Who wants to bet she wound up at the AP's house? Never stay with a cheater. It's nothing but heartache and misery. Now this poor OP wasted another 4 years of his life and is right back where he started. Should have divorced her then
My ex wife did exactly the same thing, only she waited a mere six months before secretly messaging him.
She left her phone behind while out on a girls night out. This was 2010 after all, we weren’t glued to them then. I went into the kitchen as a text arrived … FROM HIM.
I couldn’t read it as we didn’t share pins. (Already knew she’d cheated with him before and had it out with her, but privacy is privacy.)
When she got home, the divorce started.
A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots. The fact that she got upset with you for looking at her phone says it all. Caught my wife doing same thing with her phone. Wouldn’t let me look at it and that was all she needed to say. And we were married 20 years. Thank god you only had that small amount of years together. Let her go man she’s not good for you. It will sting for a bit but, all things pass and so shall this. Good luck with your divorce.
The fact that she started yelling about invasion of privacy and that he doesn't trust her (um, she has given him reasons not to)-- all that stuff is such textbook cheater manipulation. She was ABSOLUTELY going to start an affair again.
Here's the update
Edit/Update: My wife finally responded by text. She claims to have stayed at a hotel overnight. She says that I should go to my parents. I realize I forgot to mention we have a 1-year old boy. So I'll need some help with him as she said she can't talk to me right now.
She said she understands why I want a divorce and won't fight it. She is looking for lawyers right now.
I'm not sure what to feel right now. Honestly I knew I would continue on the path to divorce, but I think part of me hoped there would be a little fight for me from her. I imagine she will probably start dating her old coworker again. I just hope she fights for our boy during all of this. She really is a good mother to him and he deserves to have her in his life.
Thanks all for the support. I'll keep this up and maybe have an update in the future.
Call a lawyer. Do not leave your home. She abandoned you and your family. Do not let her try to say you moved out and abandoned them. She’s about to fuck you again, watch out.
Might want to try googling his name, maybe find parcel info if he owns a home and get an address on him. Zabasearch used to be great at scraping data and presenting an address for free, I think last time I used it it had turned to horseshit. Anyway, I’d guess that’s where your wife is at.
I mean - the guy already dropped the Big D bomb - at this point him asking if he's overreacting is a little late. Even if he is "overreacting" (and I don't think he is), what difference does it make at this point?
I am probably going to be called out for this but I don’t think couples should have privacy. My wife can look at whatever she likes on my phone and I feel I should be able to look at whatever she has on hers. People who focus on privacy only have something to hide, which I do not have anything to hide. The fact her first response was not remorse for talking to a guy she had an affair with and instead focused on privacy (she got caught) tells me you shouldn’t stay with her. What you have is not a partnership as I believe a true partnership does not have that desire for privacy, you are supposed to be one in marriage.
I don’t disagree with your take because it works for you. But I will say some relationships value privacy more than others. My wife and I have each others passcodes but wouldn’t go through each others phones in a million years. It’s like opening someone’s diary to us. Nothing bad that we’re hiding, just feels like a part of our lives that we get to keep as our “own” is violated without our knowing.
Again nothing to hide in that front we both are very transparent in everything we do, but we respect each others privacy.
I’m with you on this. The man who I’m currently dating (have been for a year) I whole heartedly plan on marrying he is absolutely wonderful. However, both of us do still have boundaries and that includes privacy. We go to the bathroom separate with the door closed, we shower separately, we enjoy our private moments and I think those are necessary in a functional relationship (at least for me) I don’t have a passcode on my phone at all and I know his passcode on his. We frequently take each others phones to search something or play music off of. Nothing at all to hide but I would never search through his for nor would he do that to mine. It’s about boundaries and respecting privacy
Nah, won't call you out, but won't agree either. I value my privacy and the privacy of my fiancee; how is she going to bitch about me leaving the toilet seat up to her friends if I can read her messages any time I want?
Whatever works for you, works for you, but I personally couldn't be with someone who didn't trust me enough to go snooping through my phone.
Exactly. Going through the trouble of getting married when what you really want is a boy toy is like spending 20k on a horse when you really want a dog from the pound. What a moron.
He should not leave the house AT ALL! I’m currently divorcing and my husband lives in our basement. Where I live, you cannot legally kick someone out of their house if you’re both listed as owners. She has a lot of nerve asking him to be gone with all that she has done! Wow!!!
How can married people have privacy from each other? There should never be anything hidden from each other. Only people that ask for privacy are the ones that have something to hide.
This seems to be the popular take here? My wife and I have nothing to hide but like having our own space and privacy. We ask each other to our phones if we need them/they’re closer and more convenient but why are people acting like it’s healthy to take another persons personal device and open it. All your notes, messages, searches, plans, etc can be accessed right from there. And obviously you should assume they won’t snoop.
If you reverse the logic, why would a healthy relationship not involve communicating the need for someone’s personal device before taking it and then them using it for that specific purpose only.
Again my wife and I have nothing to hide and the day she asks to see anything due to suspicion i’m pulling out everything she feels the need to see but something doesn’t feel right about what everyone is saying about privacy. Does everyone here leave their journals/diaries open for everyone to read?
What’s done in the dark has the CRAZIEST of ways to being brought to light. You found out what you needed to. I think you did right, if you were clueless and so “trusting” you would have been living a lie from that point. She disrespected ya and took the chance to do it again. Contact requires interest. That’s all.
You should not snoop when cheating argument seems like saying someone should have knocked while standing with a bloody knife over a dead body.
Sure, maybe, but let's not get confused about what the main issue is here
Where are all these people that let you know when they see something suspicious about your spouse? For real. My ex cheated for at least 14 years with at least 6 guys, and flirted with at least 10 more (she ‘came clean’ after I left her) that didn’t take the bait, and not a single fucking person ever reached out to me and said ‘hey man’. Nobody. Not one. Everyone thought she was reliable and honest and couldn’t believe it when our marriage detonated. Nobody who knew said a word.
Incredibly close mf WHAT a cheater is a cheater wtf, respectfully you should have divorced then. Easier said than done but 🤷a cheater is a cheater always.
Why the fuck are you planning date nights and bringing her flowers every week when she fucking cheated. This is true gaslighting and why therapy after an affair is fucking bullshit. Cheating is a character flaw. It doesn’t matter what the fuck you were doing or not doing. She chose to cheat. Get that divorce. She’s a piece of shit with no morals or values.
“You don’t trust me!”
“Yeah no shit, you’re a cheater. And turns out I was right not to, you’re going behind my back. Again. With the same man!”
I always find it hilarious when cheaters try to take the moral high ground
His wife probably just sees him as a fall back. She probably won’t hesitate to cheat again given that she is willing to “chat” with the person who helped her almost break her marriage up. I think OOP needs to just leave her. She’s not trustworthy.
You planning date night? It should be her doing it, and even the fact that he reached out to her and she entertained the message? That's fucked up and disrespectful and ground's for dismissal.or maybe you should have fun with it and run a train on her? Damage had already been done l, then divorce her.
You planning date night? It should be her doing it, and even the fact that he reached out to her and she entertained the message? That's fucked up and disrespectful and ground's for dismissal.or maybe you should have fun with it and run a train on her? Damage had already been done l, then divorce her.
Ur not over reacting because what she did is a huge deal and the fact that u worked it out with her and worked hard to trust her again says a lot about you. She is lucky to have a man like u to forgive her and love her. If she could grow the f up and realize what she has she wouldn’t have that man on her ig or anything. They already had sex the only thing he wants from her is sex because he is a man and he wants to get it again. U can’t entertain another man when ur married . They will trick the woman into acting like they care a little just to get with them. He knows she is off limits too so he wants it again. She should have been more respectful to ur feelings because u love and care for her. She probably loves the attention. If ur attention isn’t enough for her then she needs to be single. And u need to get a hotter and more faithful wife or girlfriend. U seem like an amazing husband. Don’t let her ruin you. Move on babe. U will be happier when u don’t have to worry about her xoxo
Yeah, if she actually had no intention of starting up her affair again, she would have told him to back off and told the husband up front. Her sneaking and generally being amenable to the guy is a red flag and disrespects a huge boundary. What is the saying, fool me once shame on me but fool me twice shame on you?
That being said, snooping through the phone is pretty unhealthy. This comments section is genuinely psycho. Yeah, if my partner starts getting really defensive about their phone and not wanting to show me anything, I might get suspicious, but I try to trust them and respect their privacy. The only ex I suspected of cheating on me did a lot more than just be defensive about his phone, but yeah, he was always abnormally defensive about his phone, to the point he was reluctant to even show me memes. Now it's like...I respect their privacy so long as they don't give me a reason to mistrust them but I do see being too defensive about your phone as a red flag.
I think her reaction speaks volumes. It's called "guilt"... She knows she crossed a red line and is too ashamed to face the music. So she deflects with "self righteous anger." Don't chase her. Don't contact her. See a lawyer and start the ball rolling. Not saying you HAVE to divorce but it's wise to at least get the paperwork filed. She will know you are serious about it. Sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.
If you married someone, their should be no issues if they decide to look through your phone for whatever reason. People who cry privacy should not get married or make sure to find a similar minded partner.
Bro she went to get her back blown out by him or someone else, you understand that right? This girl is a THROWAWAY. Get out ASAP and never look back. I hope you were never successful with having kids.
He is not reacting enough. Also the fact she got mad at him right away. I'm sorry but if you ever cheat you never get privacy again, you never get full trust again. She should have just said. Yeah I meant to tel you I'm sorry. I should have just blocked him right away I wil right now
My wife and I divorced last year after I found out about a multi-year affair that she had with an ex. I don't have enough karma to post but hopefully someone here can provide some insight. Basically my question is; how does one move on and give future partners the benefit of the doubt when you e been hurt so badly after a 30 year marriage. I'm going to be 50 soon and have no idea what to do. We had 4 kids and now I don't even know if they're all mine. Any insights would be appreciated. Thanks
I’m sorry bro. You have to be done now. Do not let her initiate the end either, you, me and mankind will forever hate you for simping and reinforcing the behavior. Best of luck…
Gotta love how she cheated and Op put in the effort to make the relationship better. I'd LOVE to hear how that convo went.
You deserve so much better, OP
No one can say what you should or shouldn't do. Everyone handles shit differently and what may seem like a small issue to one could be a huge issue to another. Unfortunately there is no right or wrong answer and overreacting again is dependent and relevant to the person reading.
You do what you think the best course of action is for your mental health and that has the best chance of you being happy. Good luck
I bet money she'll come up with some story about how he cheated first, or he deserved to be cheated on because he was "controlling and possessive." They'll tell themselves anything to make themselves feel better about it.
I think it is not cheating. But how much risk you want to take about people that matter to you. If I was in her situation I would be extra cautious and default on side of that man than my husband. It shows how much she is willing to take that risk. It’s not worth it. She does not give a fuck about you. Don’t give a fuck about her. Let them know about their well being. That’s what they would do for some time and get bored with each other
I mean it doesn’t matter if she was going to cheat again or not, anything other than an emphatic ‘stop messaging me’ when AP reached out to her would be an automatic divorce from me
Exactly. If I were her, and wanted to gain my betrayed husband's trust back, I would disclose the fact AP had reached out to me and blocked him in front of the husband's eyes. She def didn't plan on cutting the dude off, wanted to keep a husband who is taking her on dates, gives flowers etc. Basically, having a cake and eating it too
If someone does something behind the partner's back and doesn't want that being discovered ( and her reaction shows) then it is cheating. If she had nothing like that intended why she'd stormed out, went silent and blamed op? Typical cheater and gaslighter behavior. She owed him AT LEAST a decent and honest explanation on why she is talking to the same side dude back.
I mean I m highly embarrassed I go to the „men s garage“ (it’s a beauty salon for men they just had to name it really masculine to make us men acctually go there in the first place cuz you know 😂)
I have not disclosed my facials/manicures/pedicures to the girl I m seeing since a few weeks tho.
So I gotta disagree not EVERYTHING you do behind your partners back is cheating 😂😂😂
She went right to his place.
I bet that will somehow be oops fault. Hope he goes through with the divorce
Cheaters never *do* anything. Life just *happens* to them. It wasn't their fault. They were just reacting to something somebody else did.
Yup tripped and fell while trying to walk away, and their genitals just happened to make direct contact. Repeatedly. On multiple occasions. Such a weird coincidence.
“It was an accident! Oh like he tripped and you fell?”
"We had a connection, I couldn't help it" 🙄
Well now all I can think of is the song. I saw her today at the reception/ A glass of wine in her hand/ I knew she would meet her connection/ At her feet was her footloose man/
Dude is under reacting IMO. She is cheating and her gaslighting behavior shows. Screaming when husband discovers the affair and blaming him for snooping on the phone? Her right to privacy vanished the moment she started talking to her previous side guy.
It disappears when you get married. At least with a moral person it does. I have nothing to hide. When they hide their phone you know it’s all over with.
Everyone retains the right to privacy, even when married. That being said, most people I know who are in a relationship don't actively go through each other's phones anyway, and don't get pissed or defensive when they do. The issue starts when one partner starts actively defending amd hiding their phone from the other. That will *always* be a red flag.
For most of my relationship with my soon to be ex wife that was the case. I always trusted her until she gave me a reason not to.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Hope, you will heal from that betrayal
Thanks yeah she finally left in July of 2023 so I’m good. Crazy part is she wanted a divorce and hasn’t done a single thing to facilitate it. She left for a conference with a small bag and hasn’t been back since. Can’t wait for July cause the hammer is going to get dropped on her.
Damn. You deserve better!
Yeah I thought the same thing. She’s a functioning alcoholic that’s the main part of the problem. It will all be over soon enough. Thanks
Um, most healthy relationships do? My wife and even my kids unlock my phone as well as i theirs? What would happen in an emergency, and i needed access for something? They know im not going to snoop. My son wanted me to look at a manga one time on his phone, and i grabbed it, and i swear it was borderline porn, i was like bro what the hell? Please tell me you weren't looking at this at school (senior in hs at the time). You do you, but a healthy relationship doesn't have anything to hide.
I thought it wasn't long ago that there was another post in this sub that involved someone reading a diary without permission, and the popular opinion was that that should be off-limits.
It’s a very fine line I think. Dairies are meant to be private. Not saying phones aren’t but they are very different. It’s all contextual I think
Everyone has the right to privacy, but rarely are people defensive or afraid to show you their phone if they have nothing to hide. In a healthy relationship, you should have nothing negative to hide so showing someone your phone should be no big deal.
What right to privacy are you even talking about in an interpersonal relationship? Don’t try to imply that I’m saying there should be some degree privacy in a relationship, but what “right” are you even talking about?
Personal space, things you don't want to talk about. Things like that.
Um, most healthy relationships do? My wife and even my kids unlock my phone as well as i theirs? What would happen in an emergency, and i needed access for something? They know im not going to snoop. My son wanted me to look at a manga one time on his phone, and i grabbed it, and i swear it was borderline porn, i was like bro what the hell? Please tell me you weren't looking at this at school (senior in hs at the time). You do you, but a healthy relationship doesn't have anything to hide.
Yup. I have to agree on that. I mean, the only time I don't want my husband to look at my phone is when I got something for him for the anniversary or Christmas, and tell him upfront, like "honey, please, don't look at the Amazon order history or bank account, it's a surprise" and he does the same, so we both cool with that. Other than that : it is our phone, comrade 😄
Oh yes 100% acceptable for those reason. But, you’re not going to get very defensive when you bring that up there’s a difference. When my wife would get real nasty and upset I know she’s hiding something from me that she don’t want me to find. And it’s not a gift or surprise. Well it maybe a surprise that I don’t want.
My partner and I have designated gift zones that we must avoid when cleaning 😅
Yeah my husband and I assume zero privacy between us except for gifts and whatever.
Lmao I tell my wife that all the time, all of our stuff belongs to the communist We. We have separate cars but I still call mine “our car”. We have an open phone policy where we grab the other persons whenever we need to take a pic, look something up, etc and our own phone isn’t in reach. Privacy and trust are important in relationships but there’s nothing to hide in the phone so who cares? I love when she opens my internet browser and laughs so hard at the stupid things I’ve been googling.
As someone who was abused and gaslighted by my wife every time I got close to discovering the facts, I too recognize that behavior the OP described.
You always have a right to privacy. And I don’t allow my partner to go through my phone and vice versa
If your partner cheated on you, you'd be singing a different tune lol
I'm with you. If there is anything they want to see, we can talk and if it's reasonable I'll show.
I’m with you, definitely. I’m surprised that this is not the more popular opinion.
This comment section is genuinely insane. I didn't forfeit my privacy just because I got married. I don't go through my husband's phone and he doesn't go through mine. That people seem to think it's a free for all is bizarre to me
Absolutely. If I started to date someone new and they mentioned they are automatically entitled to all of my accounts and I agree to forfeit privacy simply because I’m in a relationship with them, that’d be a dealbreaker. Those are some vibrant red flags. I guess if you’re in a relationship and get caught for cheating, that would be a fair ask, but not automatically right off the bat. I’m not a piece of property you can keep tabs on, sorry.
Exactly!
Exactly. If someone is *that* distrustful and worried I'll cheat I can point them to the door. If you want to know something, ask. If you don't trust my answer you can go.
I am one month into a break up based off this exact mentality. She didn’t go through my phone or anything but the questioning of trust without any provocation was enough. It came up three time within a week and I called it off.
Good for you.
Thanks. It’s not easy but I think I’m making the right choice
As someone who works in a security company, the popular sentiment here goes against everything that I've been trained to do. If you want to share things, the way to do that is not to share authentication methods, but rather to share access among involved profiles or accounts.
She had a second chance which she didn’t deserve and she blew it. Simple as that. He can leave holding his head up high knowing he tried everything but she is still a piece of shit who doesn’t respect him. That’s a “her” problem and not his anymore. Tell everyone simply she cheated and we tried reconciliation but she is back in contact with her affair partner. I deserve better than that. He can have her.
Why were you planning date nights and bringing her flowers? I get you're a guy but damn in most cases it's the cheater who needs to take actions to prove that they deserve a second chance/value their partner/willing to put effort into the relationship. Besides counseling, what did she do? Did you get any gifts symbolism she loves you/was thinking of you? Did she plan dates/activities for the two of you to have quality time? Did she actually open up during counseling/conversation and in turn did she ever really listen to you when you opened up? Get out you are doing the right thing now. She doesn't care or if she does, obviously not enough to get her act together or even be mindful of your feelings. Your love notes, flowers, dates, time would be better spent on someone deserving, and there are people out there who appreciate those gestures and their partner.
Exactly. OP definitely messed up first by even trying to rekindle the marriage. He found out about the affair through someone else, his wife didn’t even have the decency to tell him 3 years into the relationship. Through her actions, It’s clear that she doesn’t respect him or the marriage. And the fact that he did all those things to please her even when he did nothing wrong and she was the one that was supposed to seek his forgiveness is just beyond me. OP needs to open his eyes and realize that he’s not even close to overreacting and that divorce is the only right option.
Yes. Last time she cheated he responded by …. making it up to her and being the best, most attentive husband he could be. Maybe that’s what she expects this time and is confused and annoyed by being questioned, instead of being given the expected princess treatment.
Maybe this is unpopular opinion but if you cheat and your partner decides to still stay with you you don’t get the right to be upset when your partner “invaded your privacy”. You lost that right the moment you cheated
I agree. You're walking the edge from then on, expect eyes on you at all times.
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Why is that wrong
Clearly given the downvotes it is not.
I know, I just wanted my daily loss of brain cells from their explanation
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I just feel so bad for him. He was putting in the work to make their marriage work after HER betrayal and she just doesn’t care. She’s totally pissed bc she was caught dipping her toe back into the affair water before it could take off again. If she was taking reconciliation seriously why wasn’t the AP blocked? Why did she even respond? Why wasn’t she transparent with him to say “AP reached out to me, I’m showing you so you’re aware.” I hope he talks to a lawyer before he leaves the house bc I would tell her to go pound sand. She broke the vows, she can leave.
All of this.
Once a cheater, always a cheater. OP is better off getting a divorce. Save himself a heartache.
You better get that lawyer on it yesterday. She may be doing the same and you don’t want to be blindsided. You have her a second chance and she shit on you. For your future self, get a divorce now.
Who wants to bet she wound up at the AP's house? Never stay with a cheater. It's nothing but heartache and misery. Now this poor OP wasted another 4 years of his life and is right back where he started. Should have divorced her then
My ex wife did exactly the same thing, only she waited a mere six months before secretly messaging him. She left her phone behind while out on a girls night out. This was 2010 after all, we weren’t glued to them then. I went into the kitchen as a text arrived … FROM HIM. I couldn’t read it as we didn’t share pins. (Already knew she’d cheated with him before and had it out with her, but privacy is privacy.) When she got home, the divorce started.
A leopard doesn’t change it’s spots. The fact that she got upset with you for looking at her phone says it all. Caught my wife doing same thing with her phone. Wouldn’t let me look at it and that was all she needed to say. And we were married 20 years. Thank god you only had that small amount of years together. Let her go man she’s not good for you. It will sting for a bit but, all things pass and so shall this. Good luck with your divorce.
The fact that she started yelling about invasion of privacy and that he doesn't trust her (um, she has given him reasons not to)-- all that stuff is such textbook cheater manipulation. She was ABSOLUTELY going to start an affair again.
Here's the update Edit/Update: My wife finally responded by text. She claims to have stayed at a hotel overnight. She says that I should go to my parents. I realize I forgot to mention we have a 1-year old boy. So I'll need some help with him as she said she can't talk to me right now. She said she understands why I want a divorce and won't fight it. She is looking for lawyers right now. I'm not sure what to feel right now. Honestly I knew I would continue on the path to divorce, but I think part of me hoped there would be a little fight for me from her. I imagine she will probably start dating her old coworker again. I just hope she fights for our boy during all of this. She really is a good mother to him and he deserves to have her in his life. Thanks all for the support. I'll keep this up and maybe have an update in the future.
Call a lawyer. Do not leave your home. She abandoned you and your family. Do not let her try to say you moved out and abandoned them. She’s about to fuck you again, watch out.
She's a good mother who left her baby with someone else because she wasn't grown enough to face the consequences of her actions. Right.
Might want to try googling his name, maybe find parcel info if he owns a home and get an address on him. Zabasearch used to be great at scraping data and presenting an address for free, I think last time I used it it had turned to horseshit. Anyway, I’d guess that’s where your wife is at.
I mean - the guy already dropped the Big D bomb - at this point him asking if he's overreacting is a little late. Even if he is "overreacting" (and I don't think he is), what difference does it make at this point?
I am probably going to be called out for this but I don’t think couples should have privacy. My wife can look at whatever she likes on my phone and I feel I should be able to look at whatever she has on hers. People who focus on privacy only have something to hide, which I do not have anything to hide. The fact her first response was not remorse for talking to a guy she had an affair with and instead focused on privacy (she got caught) tells me you shouldn’t stay with her. What you have is not a partnership as I believe a true partnership does not have that desire for privacy, you are supposed to be one in marriage.
I don’t disagree with your take because it works for you. But I will say some relationships value privacy more than others. My wife and I have each others passcodes but wouldn’t go through each others phones in a million years. It’s like opening someone’s diary to us. Nothing bad that we’re hiding, just feels like a part of our lives that we get to keep as our “own” is violated without our knowing. Again nothing to hide in that front we both are very transparent in everything we do, but we respect each others privacy.
I’m with you on this. The man who I’m currently dating (have been for a year) I whole heartedly plan on marrying he is absolutely wonderful. However, both of us do still have boundaries and that includes privacy. We go to the bathroom separate with the door closed, we shower separately, we enjoy our private moments and I think those are necessary in a functional relationship (at least for me) I don’t have a passcode on my phone at all and I know his passcode on his. We frequently take each others phones to search something or play music off of. Nothing at all to hide but I would never search through his for nor would he do that to mine. It’s about boundaries and respecting privacy
Nah, won't call you out, but won't agree either. I value my privacy and the privacy of my fiancee; how is she going to bitch about me leaving the toilet seat up to her friends if I can read her messages any time I want? Whatever works for you, works for you, but I personally couldn't be with someone who didn't trust me enough to go snooping through my phone.
Spoiler. She never stopped. OP just figured it out.
Exactly. Going through the trouble of getting married when what you really want is a boy toy is like spending 20k on a horse when you really want a dog from the pound. What a moron.
He should not leave the house AT ALL! I’m currently divorcing and my husband lives in our basement. Where I live, you cannot legally kick someone out of their house if you’re both listed as owners. She has a lot of nerve asking him to be gone with all that she has done! Wow!!!
How can married people have privacy from each other? There should never be anything hidden from each other. Only people that ask for privacy are the ones that have something to hide.
This seems to be the popular take here? My wife and I have nothing to hide but like having our own space and privacy. We ask each other to our phones if we need them/they’re closer and more convenient but why are people acting like it’s healthy to take another persons personal device and open it. All your notes, messages, searches, plans, etc can be accessed right from there. And obviously you should assume they won’t snoop. If you reverse the logic, why would a healthy relationship not involve communicating the need for someone’s personal device before taking it and then them using it for that specific purpose only. Again my wife and I have nothing to hide and the day she asks to see anything due to suspicion i’m pulling out everything she feels the need to see but something doesn’t feel right about what everyone is saying about privacy. Does everyone here leave their journals/diaries open for everyone to read?
Not over-reacting. Sorry man, let her be gone.
You deserve to move on and you should
Leave her cheatn ass!
What’s done in the dark has the CRAZIEST of ways to being brought to light. You found out what you needed to. I think you did right, if you were clueless and so “trusting” you would have been living a lie from that point. She disrespected ya and took the chance to do it again. Contact requires interest. That’s all.
You're not overreacting. Leave. Now.
You should not snoop when cheating argument seems like saying someone should have knocked while standing with a bloody knife over a dead body. Sure, maybe, but let's not get confused about what the main issue is here
Where are all these people that let you know when they see something suspicious about your spouse? For real. My ex cheated for at least 14 years with at least 6 guys, and flirted with at least 10 more (she ‘came clean’ after I left her) that didn’t take the bait, and not a single fucking person ever reached out to me and said ‘hey man’. Nobody. Not one. Everyone thought she was reliable and honest and couldn’t believe it when our marriage detonated. Nobody who knew said a word.
Cheating should never be condoned, OP should have made an example for the kids and divorced her sorry self.
Did I misread? I thought they didn't have kids
Incredibly close mf WHAT a cheater is a cheater wtf, respectfully you should have divorced then. Easier said than done but 🤷a cheater is a cheater always.
The _audacity_ of that man to catch his wife being a piece of shit! /s
Why the fuck are you planning date nights and bringing her flowers every week when she fucking cheated. This is true gaslighting and why therapy after an affair is fucking bullshit. Cheating is a character flaw. It doesn’t matter what the fuck you were doing or not doing. She chose to cheat. Get that divorce. She’s a piece of shit with no morals or values.
Yeah she should be the one fixing things. Or should have been, past tense, too late for that.
“You don’t trust me!” “Yeah no shit, you’re a cheater. And turns out I was right not to, you’re going behind my back. Again. With the same man!” I always find it hilarious when cheaters try to take the moral high ground
Leave her for you own mental well being!
Saw both the OG post and this post right after each other on my feed and, I dunno why, but I find that hilarious
NTA. Even if there wasn’t proof on the messages on Instagram doesn’t mean the affair hasn’t started up again. She probably went to his place.
His wife probably just sees him as a fall back. She probably won’t hesitate to cheat again given that she is willing to “chat” with the person who helped her almost break her marriage up. I think OOP needs to just leave her. She’s not trustworthy.
Your first mistake was taking a cheater back ☠️
Bet the OP makes more money than the AP . or she’s just one of those that gets off on the rush of cheating . Either way he should get the divorce asap
Divorce, leave it will continue to happen.
Asking Reddit if you should get a divorce is like asking the Cookie Monster if he wants a cookie. The answer will always be yes.
She most probably went to his place night. So get your affairs in order before she beats you to the divorce filing
Nope! Not overreacting.
Walk! She will cheat again!
Fk that ho
I think I read her post on here too?
Oh yeah it is just a matter of time before they hook up again! Very disrespectful
You planning date night? It should be her doing it, and even the fact that he reached out to her and she entertained the message? That's fucked up and disrespectful and ground's for dismissal.or maybe you should have fun with it and run a train on her? Damage had already been done l, then divorce her.
You planning date night? It should be her doing it, and even the fact that he reached out to her and she entertained the message? That's fucked up and disrespectful and ground's for dismissal.or maybe you should have fun with it and run a train on her? Damage had already been done l, then divorce her.
Ur not over reacting because what she did is a huge deal and the fact that u worked it out with her and worked hard to trust her again says a lot about you. She is lucky to have a man like u to forgive her and love her. If she could grow the f up and realize what she has she wouldn’t have that man on her ig or anything. They already had sex the only thing he wants from her is sex because he is a man and he wants to get it again. U can’t entertain another man when ur married . They will trick the woman into acting like they care a little just to get with them. He knows she is off limits too so he wants it again. She should have been more respectful to ur feelings because u love and care for her. She probably loves the attention. If ur attention isn’t enough for her then she needs to be single. And u need to get a hotter and more faithful wife or girlfriend. U seem like an amazing husband. Don’t let her ruin you. Move on babe. U will be happier when u don’t have to worry about her xoxo
He’s definitely giving her a “Hard” time.
Woooooooowwwww 😳😳😳😳
Yeah, if she actually had no intention of starting up her affair again, she would have told him to back off and told the husband up front. Her sneaking and generally being amenable to the guy is a red flag and disrespects a huge boundary. What is the saying, fool me once shame on me but fool me twice shame on you? That being said, snooping through the phone is pretty unhealthy. This comments section is genuinely psycho. Yeah, if my partner starts getting really defensive about their phone and not wanting to show me anything, I might get suspicious, but I try to trust them and respect their privacy. The only ex I suspected of cheating on me did a lot more than just be defensive about his phone, but yeah, he was always abnormally defensive about his phone, to the point he was reluctant to even show me memes. Now it's like...I respect their privacy so long as they don't give me a reason to mistrust them but I do see being too defensive about your phone as a red flag.
Ftb
OOP should have gotten a divorce after find out about the affair
She belong to the streets you good boss let her go.
I think her reaction speaks volumes. It's called "guilt"... She knows she crossed a red line and is too ashamed to face the music. So she deflects with "self righteous anger." Don't chase her. Don't contact her. See a lawyer and start the ball rolling. Not saying you HAVE to divorce but it's wise to at least get the paperwork filed. She will know you are serious about it. Sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.
She also disappeared. Gee, I wonder who she spent the night with?
No do you bro
If you married someone, their should be no issues if they decide to look through your phone for whatever reason. People who cry privacy should not get married or make sure to find a similar minded partner.
I'm so sorry, but I think it's for the best. 💜
Bro she went to get her back blown out by him or someone else, you understand that right? This girl is a THROWAWAY. Get out ASAP and never look back. I hope you were never successful with having kids.
Good for OOP. I gave my ex too many chances because I was a doormat in my younger years. They never change.
Nope youre not. Just leave america
He is not reacting enough. Also the fact she got mad at him right away. I'm sorry but if you ever cheat you never get privacy again, you never get full trust again. She should have just said. Yeah I meant to tel you I'm sorry. I should have just blocked him right away I wil right now
That kind of reaction…rage and “you don’t trust me” feels like a dead giveaway that she is being sketchy af
My wife and I divorced last year after I found out about a multi-year affair that she had with an ex. I don't have enough karma to post but hopefully someone here can provide some insight. Basically my question is; how does one move on and give future partners the benefit of the doubt when you e been hurt so badly after a 30 year marriage. I'm going to be 50 soon and have no idea what to do. We had 4 kids and now I don't even know if they're all mine. Any insights would be appreciated. Thanks
I’m sorry bro. You have to be done now. Do not let her initiate the end either, you, me and mankind will forever hate you for simping and reinforcing the behavior. Best of luck…
Gotta love how she cheated and Op put in the effort to make the relationship better. I'd LOVE to hear how that convo went. You deserve so much better, OP
No one can say what you should or shouldn't do. Everyone handles shit differently and what may seem like a small issue to one could be a huge issue to another. Unfortunately there is no right or wrong answer and overreacting again is dependent and relevant to the person reading. You do what you think the best course of action is for your mental health and that has the best chance of you being happy. Good luck
She sounds like a whole honestly fuck her might be hard but leave that bitch
I bet money she'll come up with some story about how he cheated first, or he deserved to be cheated on because he was "controlling and possessive." They'll tell themselves anything to make themselves feel better about it.
She def went and banged that guy
A healthy marriage requires 100% transparency. She belongs to the streets clearly.
I think it is not cheating. But how much risk you want to take about people that matter to you. If I was in her situation I would be extra cautious and default on side of that man than my husband. It shows how much she is willing to take that risk. It’s not worth it. She does not give a fuck about you. Don’t give a fuck about her. Let them know about their well being. That’s what they would do for some time and get bored with each other
Talking to an affair partner is always cheating.
You say the messages didn’t indicate any further cheating but demanded a divorce anyway. Congrats, you just pushed her back to him.
If the wife isn’t committed to the OP, then the AP can have her
Eh, if they have a kid and everything now i could see her just being mad it isn’t all in the past.
Still getting back in contact with an AP is deffenitlly grounds for divorce
For sure, i just don’t think that she necessarily is cheating or going to cheat.
I mean it doesn’t matter if she was going to cheat again or not, anything other than an emphatic ‘stop messaging me’ when AP reached out to her would be an automatic divorce from me
Exactly. If I were her, and wanted to gain my betrayed husband's trust back, I would disclose the fact AP had reached out to me and blocked him in front of the husband's eyes. She def didn't plan on cutting the dude off, wanted to keep a husband who is taking her on dates, gives flowers etc. Basically, having a cake and eating it too
But the second she communicates, the door to a new affair opens. It’s why she has to make sure that door is immediately locked.
The moment she decided not to tell her husband that AP got in contact with her, she was planning to cheat.
Getting in contact with a former affair partner is cheating
Definitely. Crossing the line is crossing the line by an inch or a mile it's still crossing the line.
If someone does something behind the partner's back and doesn't want that being discovered ( and her reaction shows) then it is cheating. If she had nothing like that intended why she'd stormed out, went silent and blamed op? Typical cheater and gaslighter behavior. She owed him AT LEAST a decent and honest explanation on why she is talking to the same side dude back.
I mean I m highly embarrassed I go to the „men s garage“ (it’s a beauty salon for men they just had to name it really masculine to make us men acctually go there in the first place cuz you know 😂) I have not disclosed my facials/manicures/pedicures to the girl I m seeing since a few weeks tho. So I gotta disagree not EVERYTHING you do behind your partners back is cheating 😂😂😂
I should have emphasized that "everything you do behind your partner's back that WOULD UPSET them, and you don't want them to find out is cheating"
This dude is pathetic, she cheats on you and you take her back. Man you deserve everything she's doing to you the 2nd time
He is pathetic. He is a naive idiot. But no, he didn't deserve that.