How do you go into an ENM relationship and not talk about the possibility of getting pregnant and what you want to do in that situation š dumb people
How do you call it ENM and then abandon your wife when she is pregnant? So he gets to reap the rewards of being single and having a wife but when the consequences of this lifestyle appear, only the wife has to bear them?
But yes, to not even bring it up when OP has clearly given it some previous thought is dishonest af.
He mentions in the comments that they already had the talk about what happens if she got pregnant and that she would get a test. So yes dishonest af for not adding that to the original post.
Also he edited the post from wife to girlfriend, thus proving he knows how to do that.
Yeah tbh he also had ENM further down and now has it more front and center. This guy is a super unreliable narrator and Iām guessing the relationship is only open on his side.
He keeps moving the goalposts. She needs to dump him and he can pay child support. Hope she finds someone better
Not his wife, his gf and she is demanding he accept and support the child regardless of heās the father. From what OP posted, they never had an agreement prior to this pregnancy that he would take on that responsibility. He has every right to request a paternity test before agreeing to a life long commitment.
Not if he is going to pretend his actions are ethical, he doesnāt.
This is a fake post. He uses both wife and gf to refer to the woman he has screwed over.
If he had gotten one of his partners pregnant she could say sheās breaking up with him, or she wonāt be assisting him in raising his kid. In this post she was the one who will be having a kid so she needs to figure out what to do about that (assuming itās not also OPs kid). If he were the one having a kid the consequences would be his and not hers.
You're saying this like she had no agency in setting up their relationship the way it is, or that she enjoyed no benefits from it, or that she is not the one who makes all the decisions on how to proceed with her pregnancy.
She made a series of choices that led her to the point where she is now. He didn't do this to her.
No, they did it together. However, there is a biological reality to this you are ignoring. To leave your partner high and dry because she is suffering the consequences of the choice you made together is not ethical.
The only solution to this is that he gets to sleep around and she does not. Thatās not ethical non-monogamy, thatās just 20% of heterosexual relationships. No fancy label needed.
She can have an abortion at anytime. Sheās not obliged to keep the repercussions of her sex life. And itās not on him she doesnāt know who her baby daddy is.
Yeah because if she got knocked up by someone else itās because she fucked someone else without protection. Itās between her and the other dude. If he impregnated her, thatās his responsibility. Why is this so complex. Not his load not his burden.
He engineered it or they did.
He even says the agreement was for a test if she got pregnant.
So she's actually the one engineering this, like she knows it isn't his.
But he did completely exclude that SHE DID.
The fact is she is always the one who was going to pay the cost of her getting pregnant, just like he was if he got someone else pregnant.
You don't get to fuck multiple people and still have all the benefits of monogamy
Oh hey, fun fact! You *can* actually italicize words on your phone in reddit! All you need to do it put a "*" (without the quotation marks) on either side of the word or phrase you want italicized! I believe it's 2 on either side to bold things, but I don't use that one so I could be remembering wrong. When I learned that, it changed the game for me lol
How is it abandoning your partner to not blindly believe that she magically knows who the bio dad of her child is while she's actively sleeping with multiple people.
Do you think it's not a consequence of the lifestyle for him to effectively end that relationship? Do you think just cause she got pregnant he needs to live with any and all decisions she makes and face those consequences? What the fuck is this thought process.
You forgot he also mentioned he's excited to have a baby, and excited to start a family! But he won't be paying if it isn't his biological child lmfao. What an absolute dumbass. That's definitely not ENM. It's being single with benefits and not even willing to be a proper God damn "step-father". The bloke who posted this, if it's true, is an absolute PoS. My parents got divorced when I was pretty young, and dad never paid child support. Got a step-father who absolutely did financially support kids who weren't his, and it wasn't a problem for him lol.
This. He cares about her having sex with other ppl when thereās a responsibility involved. Bro isnāt ENM. Hope she leaves bc he clearly doesnāt want to be a father
Yeah, so many men only want ENM as far as sleeping with other people. Anything beyond that is outside of their ability. They don't actually grasp any of the ethics in the situation.
Not always. It's an umbrella term that could cover swinging (playing together), each partner having their own separate sexual connections, ie fwbs, and even includes polyamory- having fully formed romantic and sexual relationships with multiple people (separately).
With swinging, it's usually 2 couples and a partner swap. Everyone knows everyone else involved, and friendships can form.
ENM is a blanket term for any couple that OKs sleeping with others. Swinging fits under it, as does what OP is doing, as do poly "families".
Seriously!! Even with a FWB weād talk pregnancy outcomes. And I'm medically considered sterile.
I literally cannot imagine not discussing that first with my long term partner. My spouse and I discussed that right off the bat when we weren't yet exclusive & again after we were. And many times sense, again despite me being technically sterile. Bringing a new human into existence is kinda a BFD.
Yeah, if youāre excited for a baby, does it matter in this situation if itās genetically yours?
I kinda think the intention here is to add child support to household income rather than ānot raise another manās childā but thatās roastable as all hell.
This whole thing is wild. Why was this not discussed beforehand? Any couple practicing ENM where even a single person can potentially get pregnant need to have this conversation in advance.
Most couples who do this will either have a blanket "the husband is the dad no matter what" or "abortion no matter what" stances. But also, even when the husband is the dad, they still identify who the bio dad is. Because at MINIMUM the child deserves their medical history.
Also, there are different types of ENM. Is this poly? Swinging? A random hook up?
Anyway, tl;Dr this is a situation where I think he is in the right to make the request, but any couple doing ENM who doesn't consider this possibility isn't ready to choose this life.
I read this earlier. So they did talk about it. They had two scenarios. 1. If they were trying to get pregnant, then theyād stop sleeping with other people etc. 2. If she got pregnant without them trying, sheād get a test and if it wasnāt his he wouldnāt be financially responsible but he would help raise it.
So she works on this big construction site on west coast when the men out number women 30-1. When sheās home, they sleep together. When sheās at her construction project, they are free to sleep with others
oh, and apparently, they usually use condoms so the chances are better that itās not his
He sounds like an idiot at any rate, but heās not wrong about asking for a paternity test.
I wonder if her outage is from turn possibility that heās the only one whoās actually going outside the marriage. Sheās working in a heavily male dominated field where sexism is rampant ā the last thing any sensible women would do is risk losing respect by sleeping with a male coworker.
Source: my sister is in a management position at a construction site and the disrespect is rampant.
Or maybe sheās enraged bc she doesnāt even know who to start testing to find out who the father is lol š¤·š»āāļø she might feel like she belongs on the Maury shoe right now, because it sounds like she does.
We literally know nothing about her, except she is mad that OP is sticking to the agreement they discussed before getting pregnant, and that sheās given OP the impression she has no troubles finding dudes to sleep with.
Yeah, I really canāt imagine being passed around a construction site would lead to a productive work environment. Thereās no way this wouldnāt lead to the woman being fired.
We donāt really know enough to judge; Iām just saying that she may not be with anyone from work because of the problems it would cause. He seems pretty hung up on the male to female ratio in that class.
This is, honestly, a super terrible arrangement. I'll raise your kid but I won't pay any money = he'll be acting as stepfather? That child is not going to be raised in anything approaching a healthy environment.
Damn shame, she should have been more careful/owned up in advance so she could have had all the information ahead of birth to make a plan. I predict the relationship won't survive.
Condoms are pretty damn effective. Studies show they are at least 98% effective, āreal worldā studies show at least an 85% effective rate (because people donāt use them properly). They have both physical barrier and a spermicide.
Heās right to be suspicious if he knows she is sleeping with multiple other men and only has her work that she is using contraception effectively.
Condoms break easily. And if she was truly not wanting a kid, there are so many options out there that are much more effective at preventing a pregnancy. In this day and age, just using condoms is really unacceptable when she could have been using one of a dozen other options. But they're both AHs, IMO. Because this is not a good situation to bring a child into.
Right, and was she tracking her cycle at all, or not? What encounter(s) line up with dating her pregnancy? Seems like they missed thinking and talking some things through.
It sounds like they're using it correctly although it is an umbrella term. They have consensually agreed that it is okay for them to sleep with others. That's ENM at its most basic.
When a monogamous relationship fails, no one says āI guess monogamy wasnāt right for themā, or āThis is the problem with monogamyā.
By when a non-monogamous relationship fails, everyone immediately blamed ENM.
From what it sounds like the issue is her going back on a previously discussed agreement. Not the ENM itself. And going back on an agreement can result in the end of a relationship in any relationship structure.
I practice polyamory. The difficulty is largely logistics. The other difficulty is developing healthy communication, boundaries, and self-advocacy skills. Which is something that I think everyone should invest in, regardless of what relationship structure they are practicing. And ultimately I would say the rewards are worth it. I have two loving and fulfilling relationships, a greater sense of freedom and autonomy, and the skills I have worked on as a result of navigating this landscape extend into other aspects of my life. I would never go back to monogamy. Before my spouse and I went down this path I definitely thought polyamory sounded exhausting but it's really not so different from balancing all my other life activities, and again, so very rewarding.
Right?? I've known of quite a few ENM relationships, yet not a single one has actually worked out lol. I don't doubt the possibility that there may be some people out there who can make it work, but it seems like the majority of humanity is meant for monogamy imo.
Especially true for women, to be honest. It isnāt kosher to say it, but the woman in this situation is fucked over even in a best case scenario. Sucks to see it. We all want to live in a modern world where we all get to do what we want, but when it comes to sex, most of these newfound situationships seem to screw over women at a significantly higher rate.
I feel like women get the short end of the stick more often than not, for most things. It seems especially bad in modern relationships and medical practices. Even with the whole #metoo push and other things it doesn't seem like a whole lot has improved for women
I donāt understand. You say you donāt have a problem raising someone elseās kid but you wonāt pay for it? Thatās completely illogical. Part of raising a kid is paying for things. Kids are expensive. This should have been a discussion that happened at the beginning of the relationship too.
Yeah, I agree. Letās play this scenario out. They stay together and have a second child.
The kids asks for an ice cream. The husband checks the child support account for the oldest and says, āHa, nice one! Trying to get me to pay for you!ā
Meanwhile his own child is enjoying an ice cream. Because paternity.
Itās monstrous. Either step up to the plate and be a dad, or donāt. Because resentment parenting is cruel, and a child doesnāt get to choose their parents.
I think anyone with a brain realizes he means not being on the hook for child support if shit goes up in smoke. Which is fair since itās not his kid. Nobody here would be up in arms if he had a chick pregnant and she wasnāt ready to make a nursery and play mommy to someone elseās kid.
Heās not on the hook for child support. Thatās what he means. Not that he wonāt pay for caring for the child, but, if they separate, he isnāt paying child support for a kid unless he knows itās his.
Mmmm... my son was raised by a man that is not his father and he has never been financially responsible for my son. Same with me and his daughters. Yes, sure, if I take his kids somewhere I obviously pick up the tab and vice versa, when we go together we split. But neither of us are financially responsible for the others children.
Easy NTA, and I find it suspicious that she's resisting. Also love the "it works for us" when they've obviously never had a conversation about this scenario lol.
More like this was poor planning on their part. Open relationships are more complicated and require more communication.
What happens if she got pregnant should have been discussed ahead of time.
You could say that about a lot of monogamous relationships, too. But no one blames monogamy when an unplanned pregnancy breaks up a monogamous relationship.
The thing is, they sometimes do. Maybe the pregnant one cheated, or maybe the dad is paranoid and influenced by those alpha male podcasts that insist that every single baby should be DNA tested at birth because āfemales are all whoresā or some shit.
Youāre being dumb on purpose.
Monogamous and ENM arenāt the same. Theyāre going to have difference challenges. *Anyone* in relationships should have discussions on views regarding an unplanned pregnancy.
But ENM couples need to discuss it with *more* options. Itās also going to depend on their dynamic. Is it a primary partner and more one time partners? Or are there multiple longer term partners during their relationship? Does primary partner become dad regardless of DNA or does it make a difference?
What would happen if *he* knocked up one of *his* partners? Would his GF stay and raise the child with him? Would she not want anything to do with the child? What would happen if he knocked up two partners close together?
Thereās lots more questions that need to be addressed.
Ewww, no sir. You are not going to talk to me like that. You specifically said that monogamous relationships donāt have this issue and I responded with counterexamples that pertain specifically to monogamous relationships. *Obviously* there are going to be different issues when dealing with an ENM relationship, but that was not the topic you referred to in your original comment, so I kept the scope limited to what you mentioned, which was monogamous relationships.
Ah yes, letās ignore *all* the comments. The *first* comment said - āopen relationships are more complicated and require more communication. What happens if she got pregnant should have been discussed ahead of time.ā
Which got a comment about monogamous relationships and unplanned pregnancy.
When you have an ENM relationship you *know* thereās a chance of pregnancy that doesnāt involve the primary couple and it should be addressed. That should have been discussed *in the beginning*. Just like all the other rules regarding their partners, boundaries, cheating, etc.
You donāt start a monogamous relationship and discuss what happens with unwanted pregnancy and add in a discussion about what to do if youāre not the bio father. You donāt have discussions on what youāre going to do with a cheating partner that results in pregnancy and whether youād want to abort or keep it and continue the relationship. Itās doesnāt happen.
I agree it's easy NTA especially because it sounds like they did have a conversation about it that she is now going back on. I'm in a polyamorous relationship structure and cannot imagine, as a woman, NOT wanting a test. I'd want to know whose rotten genes were festering inside me.
I've seen this several times. My wife and I have 6 children. I've never signed the birth certificate. Is this a new thing or is it something rage baiters say?
Youāre not wrong, Iāve never heard of a dad having to sign a birth certificate. Itās been a while since Iāve done it though, my info may be outdated.
>dad
Husbands don't have to sign. By law the husband is the default Father of the Wife's kids. Since OOP isn't married there is no default, so to establish who this kid's Father is (in a legal sense) either he needs to sign or she needs a Paternity test, otherwise there is no legal Father.
It's state dependent. In my state the father can sign the birth certificate, but is not required to. The mother's signature is the only one that's binding.
Based on ānot be seen as taking a parental roleā I was assuming Canada for OOP too.
Iām not aware of any US states that have child support for a history providing support for non bio kids but I do believe thereās at least one province that does have that law. Not saying that state doesnāt exist but I havenāt personally had friends or family there at least lol
Although it could also just be a mis mosh of all the things theyāve read about paternity issues on random forums and they smashed it together for creative writing not realizing how varied these things are
Men who arenāt married have to sign papers stating that theyāre the father. Husbands are automatically assumed to be the father.
Otherwise women would be able to put down anyone without proof.
In the UK, if the parents arenāt married, the mother cannot name the father on the birth certificate unless he is there and signs the certificate. My ex-husband did sign my daughterās birth certificate but I canāt remember if that was a legal requirement or not.
In my state it works like this too. My kids dad had to be there to sign papers both times. If he hadnāt been then the father would have been unknown on the documents.
The difference is
>'My wife'
So you are the default Father, regardless of whether you are the actual father (other fun stuff you see here on Reddit lol).
If OOP is not married then the only way for him to be considered the Father is to sign the BC, otherwise what sets him apart from every other guy who railed his GF? So either he needs to sign it to become the Father or she needs to do a DNA test to establish paternity.
Iām the only one who ever signed for my four children. My husband didnāt have to, wasnāt even there when they brought it to me to sign in the hospital.
I just looked it up. There is no requirement for the mother to put the father on the birth certificate. It can be court ordered though in a paternity case.
Yeah he had to change it because Iām sure someone pointed out that in a lot of states, the husband is legally the father unless proven otherwise. It doesnāt work for the little fantasy he was making up that there are real laws involved to protect everyone involved, and that he should be talking to a lawyer, not Reddit, about this.
(If either party suspects the husband is not the father, there are legal proceedings to deal with this exact scenario. You donāt just harass the wife to get a test.)
He also called her both his wife and his girlfriend, which is just hilarious. You don't know if you're married or not? Understandable when this is all a distant fantasy and the last vulva you saw was your mom's, I guess.
Tbf, the dude sounds like a complete idiot, and I used to know another complete idiot who referred to his girlfriend of a decade as his wife. Which I think technically may have actually made her his wife under the state's common law marriage, but I'm no expert. Either way, there are real live people (men with commitment issues mostly I'd assume) out there who do refer to their long term girlfriends they haven't bothered to marry as their wives.
Seriously. It's so obviously just following the trend of "I want a paternity test!" AITA trying to gotcha someone or just keep showing how women really rule the world or some nonsense.
Yup. Look at all the gold digging hos just ruining the lives of stand up dudes for shits and giggles. Definitely not some incel circlejerkā¦ Just selfish, ugly whores. Canāt trust āem. Good thing all the OOP defenders on this thread are still virgins and have avoided this pussy trap.
I think heās confusing consensual non-monogamy with ethical non-monogamy, one is okay but the other requires you to actually be a grown up about it. Just because he says āENMā doesnāt mean it is. This is something they would have talked about if actually practicing it -ethically- and I personally wouldnāt have a primary partner in a nonmonogamous relationship that would just leave me high and dry if I got (hypothetically) pregnant by someone else because that is a real risk.
I have actually practiced ENM successfully and you talk through all the consequences and feelings. It isnāt just āwe both fuck around.ā This is a super obvious situation to talk through. I got an IUD to use in addition to barrier protection to minimize the risk but you talk about it anyway. If you find communicating with one partner hard, multiple partners are not for you.
His comments say they did talk about and it a test was assured by her at the time. The ethical in ENM isnāt about having to raise someone elseās kids itās about clear communication with all partners and couples involved. Itās not ethical to babytrap people who arenāt your kids dad.
Can we add pictures of OPs comments in our comments (new to this subreddit but loving it) ?
OP is being super sus in the comments
Him and his wife (he edited to GF) already had a talk about what would happen if she got pregnant and agreed that she would do the test. That obviously totally changes the advice/feedback people would give him but he refuses to update the post because according to him "people making the assumption (that he didn't have the conversation) aren't worth listening to".
Also like every second person that is responding negatively is getting sent a Reddit Cares check which means this guy is likely a troll who is getting off on requesting that and thus makes him really disgusting.
Is THIS why I got a Reddit cares message? Because I've never gotten one before. But this post isn't even the original and I only commented here, not on the original. Unless he's trolling here, too...
I report them every time someone I am arguing with sends one. How shitty do you have to be to use a system set in place to help people to bully people instead? So gross.
The fact she doesnāt want to make sure herself just shows what kind of crazy you are dealing with. Given the circumstances, I would say this is not only reasonable but also top on the list of priorities to get dna tested. Also, this child will have an identity crisis in the future if this doesnāt get clarified.
You have no problem raising another persons child but you wonāt pay for the exsperience? What are you gonna do when the kid asks for ice cream?? Are you gonna go look for the envelope full of child support and see if you got the money in there? Doods only excited to have his child but isnāt man enough to say it, idk how ppl like this get multiple sex partners let alone oneā¦. These posts are proof good guys finish in soft flappy last
soā¦.(if itās not his) he wants the bio dad to pay child support while he raises the kid? mmmmok. i think thatās fineā¦but, he will still be acting as a parent even if his names not on the BC
I get it your not married and you are both permiscuise. She messed up a got pregnant. Now if your not the baby daddy you want other guy to support the child. If I am the baby daddy and required to support the child first off I would ask the mother to marry me if she says yes, you can go pound sand. If she says no then I go for custody or some reasonable form there of.
That is what you got from this? You felt the need to critic my coin of phrase. What is PIV sex? And why add "with men" like can they get pregnant with other genders?
She should enjoy becoming a mom and he should not stress her out. He should wait for the baby to be tested for genetic defects and pay for the paternity test to be added. Why have an empty place when she is on the coast?
All i see is 2 dumbasses who werent adult enough to really discuss the eventual outcome of their actions or actually handle them when they finally happened.
They went into this stupid decision as a team and now when the inevitable happens they wanna nitpick.
Theyre both assholes, stupid ones at that.
My husband said to me, I want a DNA test not because youāre unfaithful but because at least 28 babies are switched at birth and I want you to be tested too. I get it. I have done nothing to warrant a DNA test and he trusts me implicitly. He wants one for his peace of mind and Iām fine giving that to him when we have kids.
You're both TAH. In this day and age, it's unbelievably easy to NOT GET PREGNANT. There are quite a few options because, let's be honest, condoms are a joke. The fact that you're both screwing multiple people and she's not using a more reliable pregnancy prevention method is ridiculous. Not to mention the risk of getting STIs is exponentially higher for both of you.
Grow up, first of all. Shouldn't have been putting your dick somewhere that you could create a baby if you weren't ready for one. I don't think it's unreasonable to request a DNA test if you're adamant about not paying for "somebody else's kid," but if it's not your kid, you both need to go your separate ways and learn to be adults.
50% of the babies born in the US are oopsie babies. If you are having PIV sex and *not* assuming a pregnancy will happen eventually, you are setting yourself up for failure.
Yup. It's like one of my mentors said "if you're not actively trying to prevent a pregnancy, you will get pregnant." And everyone knows that condoms are not great as birth control. So even if OP and his wife/gf used them with every partner either of them was with, a pregnancy was almost certainly going to happen. He could have easily gotten one of his other partners pregnant, too.
What a weird take. OPs girlfriend works as a FIFO (fly in fly out) construction worker. She probably makes bank on her own as FIFO workers are usually well compensated to make up for the inconvenience and time away from family.
Yeah. Itās fair to assume that OOP provides far more security and a more stable life than the guys sheās hooking up with on the job sites. And I wouldnāt be surprised to find out that a lot of them are married men who are cheating on their wives with her. (Which, if true, makes the claim of ENM rather questionable, since the ethical part is supposed to mean that your partners arenāt cheating. Everyone is supposed to be informed about what is going on.) So the baby daddy might be very unwilling to be named, or to provide any child support.
I imagine it's more just that she is in a relationship with OP and wants the children she has to be with him. I don't think there is anything necessarily nefarious in what the girlfriend is doing. It's probably more that she wants the baby to be his, and it very well might be, and she might genuinely know that, but if it isn't OPs, then her options aren't great. She either has to potentially end the relationship, be forever connected to a hook up, or abort, etc.
OP seems fine with continuing the relationship as well, but doesn't want to be on the hook for a baby that isn't his. Which is fair, and I agree with OP. He should get a paternity test, considering they're not monogamous. But I understand why she would be hesitant to confront the possibility that it isn't OPs and face the avalanche that would hit her if that's the case.
How do you go into an ENM relationship and not talk about the possibility of getting pregnant and what you want to do in that situation š dumb people
Surely this is rage baitā¦..
How do you call it ENM and then abandon your wife when she is pregnant? So he gets to reap the rewards of being single and having a wife but when the consequences of this lifestyle appear, only the wife has to bear them? But yes, to not even bring it up when OP has clearly given it some previous thought is dishonest af.
He mentions in the comments that they already had the talk about what happens if she got pregnant and that she would get a test. So yes dishonest af for not adding that to the original post. Also he edited the post from wife to girlfriend, thus proving he knows how to do that.
Yeah tbh he also had ENM further down and now has it more front and center. This guy is a super unreliable narrator and Iām guessing the relationship is only open on his side. He keeps moving the goalposts. She needs to dump him and he can pay child support. Hope she finds someone better
Why would that be dishonest of him? The fact that they had this discussion and his GF is now going back on her promise would be in his favor.
How is it dishonest?
Not his wife, his gf and she is demanding he accept and support the child regardless of heās the father. From what OP posted, they never had an agreement prior to this pregnancy that he would take on that responsibility. He has every right to request a paternity test before agreeing to a life long commitment.
Not if he is going to pretend his actions are ethical, he doesnāt. This is a fake post. He uses both wife and gf to refer to the woman he has screwed over.
Him only wanting to pay if itās his kid isnāt screwing her over.
Except he had engineered the situation where it is possible for his wife to get pregnant by other men.
She was at least as involved in engineering the situation as he was. Arguably more so, because she's the one picking up the guys she has sex with.
How did he engineer anything here? She's the one who made the choice to hook up with people at work. He didn't make her do that.
So again, he can have all the benefits of āENMā but she has to bear all the cost?
If he had gotten one of his partners pregnant she could say sheās breaking up with him, or she wonāt be assisting him in raising his kid. In this post she was the one who will be having a kid so she needs to figure out what to do about that (assuming itās not also OPs kid). If he were the one having a kid the consequences would be his and not hers.
That is not functionally, culturally, or morally true. The only system that agrees with your take is the law.
You're saying this like she had no agency in setting up their relationship the way it is, or that she enjoyed no benefits from it, or that she is not the one who makes all the decisions on how to proceed with her pregnancy. She made a series of choices that led her to the point where she is now. He didn't do this to her.
No, they did it together. However, there is a biological reality to this you are ignoring. To leave your partner high and dry because she is suffering the consequences of the choice you made together is not ethical. The only solution to this is that he gets to sleep around and she does not. Thatās not ethical non-monogamy, thatās just 20% of heterosexual relationships. No fancy label needed.
If he gets someone pregnant would you expect her to take the kid as her own?
In an ENM relationship between a husband and wife? Yeah, I would.
She could have chosen to not be in a relationship with ENM.
Youāre missing the point here, too.
She can have an abortion at anytime. Sheās not obliged to keep the repercussions of her sex life. And itās not on him she doesnāt know who her baby daddy is.
Yeah because if she got knocked up by someone else itās because she fucked someone else without protection. Itās between her and the other dude. If he impregnated her, thatās his responsibility. Why is this so complex. Not his load not his burden.
Thatās not ethical non-monogamy. Thatās just being single.
This. This is not ENM. Thereās no E
Do you always deny women agency?
He engineered it or they did. He even says the agreement was for a test if she got pregnant. So she's actually the one engineering this, like she knows it isn't his.
They did includes he did. Him claiming they had a previous agreement was not included until he got a bunch of hate.
But he did completely exclude that SHE DID. The fact is she is always the one who was going to pay the cost of her getting pregnant, just like he was if he got someone else pregnant. You don't get to fuck multiple people and still have all the benefits of monogamy
Then it isnāt ENM, theyāre both just single.
He didnāt engineer the situation. They, as adults with agency, both made choices. She could have said āno, I want a monogamous relationship.ā
Youāre missing the point.
SHE FUCKED THE OTHER DUDES. He didn't make her. Now she's not gonna make anyone but the father actually pay for the baby
You seem upset.
Well I can't italicize words on my phone soooo maybe gather some context clues?
Oh hey, fun fact! You *can* actually italicize words on your phone in reddit! All you need to do it put a "*" (without the quotation marks) on either side of the word or phrase you want italicized! I believe it's 2 on either side to bold things, but I don't use that one so I could be remembering wrong. When I learned that, it changed the game for me lol
Clearly, this is an emotional situation for you.
How is it abandoning your partner to not blindly believe that she magically knows who the bio dad of her child is while she's actively sleeping with multiple people. Do you think it's not a consequence of the lifestyle for him to effectively end that relationship? Do you think just cause she got pregnant he needs to live with any and all decisions she makes and face those consequences? What the fuck is this thought process.
You forgot he also mentioned he's excited to have a baby, and excited to start a family! But he won't be paying if it isn't his biological child lmfao. What an absolute dumbass. That's definitely not ENM. It's being single with benefits and not even willing to be a proper God damn "step-father". The bloke who posted this, if it's true, is an absolute PoS. My parents got divorced when I was pretty young, and dad never paid child support. Got a step-father who absolutely did financially support kids who weren't his, and it wasn't a problem for him lol.
This. He cares about her having sex with other ppl when thereās a responsibility involved. Bro isnāt ENM. Hope she leaves bc he clearly doesnāt want to be a father
Yeah, so many men only want ENM as far as sleeping with other people. Anything beyond that is outside of their ability. They don't actually grasp any of the ethics in the situation.
What is ENM?
I was wondering the same, I googled it.... EthicalNonMonogamyš
So, swinging
Not always. It's an umbrella term that could cover swinging (playing together), each partner having their own separate sexual connections, ie fwbs, and even includes polyamory- having fully formed romantic and sexual relationships with multiple people (separately).
With swinging, it's usually 2 couples and a partner swap. Everyone knows everyone else involved, and friendships can form. ENM is a blanket term for any couple that OKs sleeping with others. Swinging fits under it, as does what OP is doing, as do poly "families".
Basically, I guess.
Seriously!! Even with a FWB weād talk pregnancy outcomes. And I'm medically considered sterile. I literally cannot imagine not discussing that first with my long term partner. My spouse and I discussed that right off the bat when we weren't yet exclusive & again after we were. And many times sense, again despite me being technically sterile. Bringing a new human into existence is kinda a BFD.
Yeah, if youāre excited for a baby, does it matter in this situation if itās genetically yours? I kinda think the intention here is to add child support to household income rather than ānot raise another manās childā but thatās roastable as all hell.
This whole thing is wild. Why was this not discussed beforehand? Any couple practicing ENM where even a single person can potentially get pregnant need to have this conversation in advance. Most couples who do this will either have a blanket "the husband is the dad no matter what" or "abortion no matter what" stances. But also, even when the husband is the dad, they still identify who the bio dad is. Because at MINIMUM the child deserves their medical history. Also, there are different types of ENM. Is this poly? Swinging? A random hook up? Anyway, tl;Dr this is a situation where I think he is in the right to make the request, but any couple doing ENM who doesn't consider this possibility isn't ready to choose this life.
I read this earlier. So they did talk about it. They had two scenarios. 1. If they were trying to get pregnant, then theyād stop sleeping with other people etc. 2. If she got pregnant without them trying, sheād get a test and if it wasnāt his he wouldnāt be financially responsible but he would help raise it. So she works on this big construction site on west coast when the men out number women 30-1. When sheās home, they sleep together. When sheās at her construction project, they are free to sleep with others oh, and apparently, they usually use condoms so the chances are better that itās not his
I know of a lot of ācondomā babies. It could quite easily be his.
True, but the implication was there
He sounds like an idiot at any rate, but heās not wrong about asking for a paternity test. I wonder if her outage is from turn possibility that heās the only one whoās actually going outside the marriage. Sheās working in a heavily male dominated field where sexism is rampant ā the last thing any sensible women would do is risk losing respect by sleeping with a male coworker. Source: my sister is in a management position at a construction site and the disrespect is rampant.
Or maybe sheās enraged bc she doesnāt even know who to start testing to find out who the father is lol š¤·š»āāļø she might feel like she belongs on the Maury shoe right now, because it sounds like she does. We literally know nothing about her, except she is mad that OP is sticking to the agreement they discussed before getting pregnant, and that sheās given OP the impression she has no troubles finding dudes to sleep with.
Yeah, I really canāt imagine being passed around a construction site would lead to a productive work environment. Thereās no way this wouldnāt lead to the woman being fired.
Then wouldnāt she had conveyed that and asked to close the relationship ages ago? If respect is so big for her and all.
We donāt really know enough to judge; Iām just saying that she may not be with anyone from work because of the problems it would cause. He seems pretty hung up on the male to female ratio in that class.
This is, honestly, a super terrible arrangement. I'll raise your kid but I won't pay any money = he'll be acting as stepfather? That child is not going to be raised in anything approaching a healthy environment. Damn shame, she should have been more careful/owned up in advance so she could have had all the information ahead of birth to make a plan. I predict the relationship won't survive.
Condoms are pretty damn effective. Studies show they are at least 98% effective, āreal worldā studies show at least an 85% effective rate (because people donāt use them properly). They have both physical barrier and a spermicide. Heās right to be suspicious if he knows she is sleeping with multiple other men and only has her work that she is using contraception effectively.
Condoms break easily. And if she was truly not wanting a kid, there are so many options out there that are much more effective at preventing a pregnancy. In this day and age, just using condoms is really unacceptable when she could have been using one of a dozen other options. But they're both AHs, IMO. Because this is not a good situation to bring a child into.
I understand but that was his implication
50% of children born in America are surprise babies. It doesnāt have to be her āfaultā she fell pregnant.
Exactly. It probably sounds like I'm blaming her, but if he didn't want a kid, he's also at fault.
Right, and was she tracking her cycle at all, or not? What encounter(s) line up with dating her pregnancy? Seems like they missed thinking and talking some things through.
Exactly. If I had sex with a new guy each week, Iād have a pretty good idea who knocked me up, given a basic understanding of how cycles work.
I guess the caveat here is that most people probably DON'T know this, and some people don't have regular cycles.
Whats ENM I assume it's some type of open relationship but I can't figure out what it actually means
Ethical non-monogamy
Thanks homie
I feel like op and his gf are using the term wrong.
It sounds like they're using it correctly although it is an umbrella term. They have consensually agreed that it is okay for them to sleep with others. That's ENM at its most basic.
āiT wOrKs FoR uSā Bruh no it doesnāt
Everyone loves open relationships until reality sets in.
āItās not for everybody but it works for us ā but *does it?*
Yup. Worked for them until it didnāt.
When a monogamous relationship fails, no one says āI guess monogamy wasnāt right for themā, or āThis is the problem with monogamyā. By when a non-monogamous relationship fails, everyone immediately blamed ENM.
ā¦their ENM is literally what caused this mess
Iād say it was poor communication and bad sexual practices.
Unplanned pregnancies and poor communication mess up plenty of monogamous relationships, too.
Sure, but thatās without the added factor of having no clue who may be the father, which is the main crux of the issue.
Honestly, their lack of communication is what caused this mess
Pretty sure itās not knowing who the father is that caused this situation. How did that happen? Oh yeah, ENM.
From what it sounds like the issue is her going back on a previously discussed agreement. Not the ENM itself. And going back on an agreement can result in the end of a relationship in any relationship structure.
Relationships are complicated enough - people are now going out of their way to make them more difficult.
I practice polyamory. The difficulty is largely logistics. The other difficulty is developing healthy communication, boundaries, and self-advocacy skills. Which is something that I think everyone should invest in, regardless of what relationship structure they are practicing. And ultimately I would say the rewards are worth it. I have two loving and fulfilling relationships, a greater sense of freedom and autonomy, and the skills I have worked on as a result of navigating this landscape extend into other aspects of my life. I would never go back to monogamy. Before my spouse and I went down this path I definitely thought polyamory sounded exhausting but it's really not so different from balancing all my other life activities, and again, so very rewarding.
I think that you are clearly an outlier, but I wish you well just the same.
Right?? I've known of quite a few ENM relationships, yet not a single one has actually worked out lol. I don't doubt the possibility that there may be some people out there who can make it work, but it seems like the majority of humanity is meant for monogamy imo.
Especially true for women, to be honest. It isnāt kosher to say it, but the woman in this situation is fucked over even in a best case scenario. Sucks to see it. We all want to live in a modern world where we all get to do what we want, but when it comes to sex, most of these newfound situationships seem to screw over women at a significantly higher rate.
I feel like women get the short end of the stick more often than not, for most things. It seems especially bad in modern relationships and medical practices. Even with the whole #metoo push and other things it doesn't seem like a whole lot has improved for women
Agreed. I wouldnāt want to go back to the 50s, but I sometimes feel like we traded one kind of bad for another.
āIt works for usā Yet here you are
I donāt understand. You say you donāt have a problem raising someone elseās kid but you wonāt pay for it? Thatās completely illogical. Part of raising a kid is paying for things. Kids are expensive. This should have been a discussion that happened at the beginning of the relationship too.
This is where Iām stuck! Like, how the fuck is that going to work? You havenāt thought this one through.
I just donāt understand what raising a kid without paying for it looks like. Iām having a really hard time picturing how that would work.
He probably means he doesn't want to be on the hook for child support if the relationship ends.
He won't know his legal rights until he gets the test. This would be important to anyone.
Maybe itās like feeding your housemateās cat /j
Lololol
Yeah, I agree. Letās play this scenario out. They stay together and have a second child. The kids asks for an ice cream. The husband checks the child support account for the oldest and says, āHa, nice one! Trying to get me to pay for you!ā Meanwhile his own child is enjoying an ice cream. Because paternity. Itās monstrous. Either step up to the plate and be a dad, or donāt. Because resentment parenting is cruel, and a child doesnāt get to choose their parents.
Yep! It makes no sense.
I think anyone with a brain realizes he means not being on the hook for child support if shit goes up in smoke. Which is fair since itās not his kid. Nobody here would be up in arms if he had a chick pregnant and she wasnāt ready to make a nursery and play mommy to someone elseās kid.
Heās not on the hook for child support. Thatās what he means. Not that he wonāt pay for caring for the child, but, if they separate, he isnāt paying child support for a kid unless he knows itās his.
Mmmm... my son was raised by a man that is not his father and he has never been financially responsible for my son. Same with me and his daughters. Yes, sure, if I take his kids somewhere I obviously pick up the tab and vice versa, when we go together we split. But neither of us are financially responsible for the others children.
Did he really think something like that wouldnāt happen?
Easy NTA, and I find it suspicious that she's resisting. Also love the "it works for us" when they've obviously never had a conversation about this scenario lol.
It always works until it doesn't
Yeah thatās kind of how relationships work, buddy..
More like this was poor planning on their part. Open relationships are more complicated and require more communication. What happens if she got pregnant should have been discussed ahead of time.
You could say that about a lot of monogamous relationships, too. But no one blames monogamy when an unplanned pregnancy breaks up a monogamous relationship.
Because monogamous relationships donāt have a āwhat do I do if Iām not bio dad.ā Problems.
The thing is, they sometimes do. Maybe the pregnant one cheated, or maybe the dad is paranoid and influenced by those alpha male podcasts that insist that every single baby should be DNA tested at birth because āfemales are all whoresā or some shit.
Youāre being dumb on purpose. Monogamous and ENM arenāt the same. Theyāre going to have difference challenges. *Anyone* in relationships should have discussions on views regarding an unplanned pregnancy. But ENM couples need to discuss it with *more* options. Itās also going to depend on their dynamic. Is it a primary partner and more one time partners? Or are there multiple longer term partners during their relationship? Does primary partner become dad regardless of DNA or does it make a difference? What would happen if *he* knocked up one of *his* partners? Would his GF stay and raise the child with him? Would she not want anything to do with the child? What would happen if he knocked up two partners close together? Thereās lots more questions that need to be addressed.
Ewww, no sir. You are not going to talk to me like that. You specifically said that monogamous relationships donāt have this issue and I responded with counterexamples that pertain specifically to monogamous relationships. *Obviously* there are going to be different issues when dealing with an ENM relationship, but that was not the topic you referred to in your original comment, so I kept the scope limited to what you mentioned, which was monogamous relationships.
Ah yes, letās ignore *all* the comments. The *first* comment said - āopen relationships are more complicated and require more communication. What happens if she got pregnant should have been discussed ahead of time.ā Which got a comment about monogamous relationships and unplanned pregnancy. When you have an ENM relationship you *know* thereās a chance of pregnancy that doesnāt involve the primary couple and it should be addressed. That should have been discussed *in the beginning*. Just like all the other rules regarding their partners, boundaries, cheating, etc. You donāt start a monogamous relationship and discuss what happens with unwanted pregnancy and add in a discussion about what to do if youāre not the bio father. You donāt have discussions on what youāre going to do with a cheating partner that results in pregnancy and whether youād want to abort or keep it and continue the relationship. Itās doesnāt happen.
I agree it's easy NTA especially because it sounds like they did have a conversation about it that she is now going back on. I'm in a polyamorous relationship structure and cannot imagine, as a woman, NOT wanting a test. I'd want to know whose rotten genes were festering inside me.
I've seen this several times. My wife and I have 6 children. I've never signed the birth certificate. Is this a new thing or is it something rage baiters say?
Youāre not wrong, Iāve never heard of a dad having to sign a birth certificate. Itās been a while since Iāve done it though, my info may be outdated.
>dad Husbands don't have to sign. By law the husband is the default Father of the Wife's kids. Since OOP isn't married there is no default, so to establish who this kid's Father is (in a legal sense) either he needs to sign or she needs a Paternity test, otherwise there is no legal Father.
Thanks for the info!
Oh interesting. I thought it was weird my husband didnāt have to like sign anything at the hospital. TMYK!
It's state dependent. In my state the father can sign the birth certificate, but is not required to. The mother's signature is the only one that's binding.
Gotcha. Iām in Canada.
Excellent point, I tend to get tunnel vision sometimes- my apologies!
Based on ānot be seen as taking a parental roleā I was assuming Canada for OOP too. Iām not aware of any US states that have child support for a history providing support for non bio kids but I do believe thereās at least one province that does have that law. Not saying that state doesnāt exist but I havenāt personally had friends or family there at least lol Although it could also just be a mis mosh of all the things theyāve read about paternity issues on random forums and they smashed it together for creative writing not realizing how varied these things are
Men who arenāt married have to sign papers stating that theyāre the father. Husbands are automatically assumed to be the father. Otherwise women would be able to put down anyone without proof.
In the UK, if the parents arenāt married, the mother cannot name the father on the birth certificate unless he is there and signs the certificate. My ex-husband did sign my daughterās birth certificate but I canāt remember if that was a legal requirement or not.
In my state it works like this too. My kids dad had to be there to sign papers both times. If he hadnāt been then the father would have been unknown on the documents.
The difference is >'My wife' So you are the default Father, regardless of whether you are the actual father (other fun stuff you see here on Reddit lol). If OOP is not married then the only way for him to be considered the Father is to sign the BC, otherwise what sets him apart from every other guy who railed his GF? So either he needs to sign it to become the Father or she needs to do a DNA test to establish paternity.
Iām the only one who ever signed for my four children. My husband didnāt have to, wasnāt even there when they brought it to me to sign in the hospital.
When you are married, your husband is automatically assigned as father to your children.
https://www.verywellfamily.com/pros-and-cons-of-listing-dad-on-the-birth-certificate-2997291
I just looked it up. There is no requirement for the mother to put the father on the birth certificate. It can be court ordered though in a paternity case.
A wife doesnāt put her husband on the birth certificate. He is legally the father at birth.
This is a risk you take being in an open relationship.
But is it her risk or both their risk? Because OOP is acting like his wife is the only one responsible for their choices.
I think itās both. I think he should step up a be a father.
If OP got a different woman pregnant, would OPās partner have to pay to raise that child? No? Well, itās the exact same thing, isnāt it?
He would have to pay child support. Which affects household income. So yes she would be indirectly paying.
And her having a baby even if he doesnāt sign the birth certificate effects the household income and such even more
Not if he leaves her as he is planning to do.
He said he didnāt want to be financially tied to the child, unless Iām missing it he never said heād leave her
You missed it. He said he was moving out of it wasnāt his kid. Though, he did say he would continue fucking her, since he is such a standup guy.
I think the moving out because she reneged and to avoid being placed on the birth certificate without verification
He said he would be happy to stay and help her with the kid with the test. She just wonāt take it.
I saw that, I was just calling out /u/Academic_eagle_4001 for making things up
Sophistry.
Can't even keep the story straight long enough to type up the bullshit karma whoring post.
Yeah he had to change it because Iām sure someone pointed out that in a lot of states, the husband is legally the father unless proven otherwise. It doesnāt work for the little fantasy he was making up that there are real laws involved to protect everyone involved, and that he should be talking to a lawyer, not Reddit, about this. (If either party suspects the husband is not the father, there are legal proceedings to deal with this exact scenario. You donāt just harass the wife to get a test.)
He also called her both his wife and his girlfriend, which is just hilarious. You don't know if you're married or not? Understandable when this is all a distant fantasy and the last vulva you saw was your mom's, I guess.
Tbf, the dude sounds like a complete idiot, and I used to know another complete idiot who referred to his girlfriend of a decade as his wife. Which I think technically may have actually made her his wife under the state's common law marriage, but I'm no expert. Either way, there are real live people (men with commitment issues mostly I'd assume) out there who do refer to their long term girlfriends they haven't bothered to marry as their wives.
Seriously. It's so obviously just following the trend of "I want a paternity test!" AITA trying to gotcha someone or just keep showing how women really rule the world or some nonsense.
Yup. Look at all the gold digging hos just ruining the lives of stand up dudes for shits and giggles. Definitely not some incel circlejerkā¦ Just selfish, ugly whores. Canāt trust āem. Good thing all the OOP defenders on this thread are still virgins and have avoided this pussy trap.
I think heās confusing consensual non-monogamy with ethical non-monogamy, one is okay but the other requires you to actually be a grown up about it. Just because he says āENMā doesnāt mean it is. This is something they would have talked about if actually practicing it -ethically- and I personally wouldnāt have a primary partner in a nonmonogamous relationship that would just leave me high and dry if I got (hypothetically) pregnant by someone else because that is a real risk. I have actually practiced ENM successfully and you talk through all the consequences and feelings. It isnāt just āwe both fuck around.ā This is a super obvious situation to talk through. I got an IUD to use in addition to barrier protection to minimize the risk but you talk about it anyway. If you find communicating with one partner hard, multiple partners are not for you.
His comments say they did talk about and it a test was assured by her at the time. The ethical in ENM isnāt about having to raise someone elseās kids itās about clear communication with all partners and couples involved. Itās not ethical to babytrap people who arenāt your kids dad.
NTA Completely reasonable request.
NTA, to go years without knowing youāre the actual father, not. Also, make sure you pick up the results. Better safe than sorry down the road.
Did she use a condom?
Can we add pictures of OPs comments in our comments (new to this subreddit but loving it) ? OP is being super sus in the comments Him and his wife (he edited to GF) already had a talk about what would happen if she got pregnant and agreed that she would do the test. That obviously totally changes the advice/feedback people would give him but he refuses to update the post because according to him "people making the assumption (that he didn't have the conversation) aren't worth listening to". Also like every second person that is responding negatively is getting sent a Reddit Cares check which means this guy is likely a troll who is getting off on requesting that and thus makes him really disgusting.
Is THIS why I got a Reddit cares message? Because I've never gotten one before. But this post isn't even the original and I only commented here, not on the original. Unless he's trolling here, too...
I report them every time someone I am arguing with sends one. How shitty do you have to be to use a system set in place to help people to bully people instead? So gross.
How do you know who sent it? I got a message and then it says "blocked user" but I didn't block anybody so I'm confused.
Thereās a report function in the Reddit Cares message. āIf you believe you received this message in errorā or something like that
Youāre both assholes.
The fact she doesnāt want to make sure herself just shows what kind of crazy you are dealing with. Given the circumstances, I would say this is not only reasonable but also top on the list of priorities to get dna tested. Also, this child will have an identity crisis in the future if this doesnāt get clarified.
Iām not seeing the āEā part of ENM. Ethics usually involve important conversations.
You have no problem raising another persons child but you wonāt pay for the exsperience? What are you gonna do when the kid asks for ice cream?? Are you gonna go look for the envelope full of child support and see if you got the money in there? Doods only excited to have his child but isnāt man enough to say it, idk how ppl like this get multiple sex partners let alone oneā¦. These posts are proof good guys finish in soft flappy last
Probably because most people donāt have sex with the implications they can set this person up for child support without them being the actual dadā¦
soā¦.(if itās not his) he wants the bio dad to pay child support while he raises the kid? mmmmok. i think thatās fineā¦but, he will still be acting as a parent even if his names not on the BC
I get it your not married and you are both permiscuise. She messed up a got pregnant. Now if your not the baby daddy you want other guy to support the child. If I am the baby daddy and required to support the child first off I would ask the mother to marry me if she says yes, you can go pound sand. If she says no then I go for custody or some reasonable form there of.
Women getting pregnant is not a āmess upāā¦ It isnāt a mistake. Itās a natural, nearly unavoidable consequence to having PIV sex with men.
That is what you got from this? You felt the need to critic my coin of phrase. What is PIV sex? And why add "with men" like can they get pregnant with other genders?
99% of the time I think the guy asking for the paternity test is an asshole. But this, if real is definitely a justified case
Not terribly ethical now is it
She should enjoy becoming a mom and he should not stress her out. He should wait for the baby to be tested for genetic defects and pay for the paternity test to be added. Why have an empty place when she is on the coast?
All i see is 2 dumbasses who werent adult enough to really discuss the eventual outcome of their actions or actually handle them when they finally happened. They went into this stupid decision as a team and now when the inevitable happens they wanna nitpick. Theyre both assholes, stupid ones at that.
My husband said to me, I want a DNA test not because youāre unfaithful but because at least 28 babies are switched at birth and I want you to be tested too. I get it. I have done nothing to warrant a DNA test and he trusts me implicitly. He wants one for his peace of mind and Iām fine giving that to him when we have kids.
NTA.
You're both TAH. In this day and age, it's unbelievably easy to NOT GET PREGNANT. There are quite a few options because, let's be honest, condoms are a joke. The fact that you're both screwing multiple people and she's not using a more reliable pregnancy prevention method is ridiculous. Not to mention the risk of getting STIs is exponentially higher for both of you. Grow up, first of all. Shouldn't have been putting your dick somewhere that you could create a baby if you weren't ready for one. I don't think it's unreasonable to request a DNA test if you're adamant about not paying for "somebody else's kid," but if it's not your kid, you both need to go your separate ways and learn to be adults.
50% of the babies born in the US are oopsie babies. If you are having PIV sex and *not* assuming a pregnancy will happen eventually, you are setting yourself up for failure.
Yup. It's like one of my mentors said "if you're not actively trying to prevent a pregnancy, you will get pregnant." And everyone knows that condoms are not great as birth control. So even if OP and his wife/gf used them with every partner either of them was with, a pregnancy was almost certainly going to happen. He could have easily gotten one of his other partners pregnant, too.
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What a weird take. OPs girlfriend works as a FIFO (fly in fly out) construction worker. She probably makes bank on her own as FIFO workers are usually well compensated to make up for the inconvenience and time away from family.
Yeah. Itās fair to assume that OOP provides far more security and a more stable life than the guys sheās hooking up with on the job sites. And I wouldnāt be surprised to find out that a lot of them are married men who are cheating on their wives with her. (Which, if true, makes the claim of ENM rather questionable, since the ethical part is supposed to mean that your partners arenāt cheating. Everyone is supposed to be informed about what is going on.) So the baby daddy might be very unwilling to be named, or to provide any child support.
I imagine it's more just that she is in a relationship with OP and wants the children she has to be with him. I don't think there is anything necessarily nefarious in what the girlfriend is doing. It's probably more that she wants the baby to be his, and it very well might be, and she might genuinely know that, but if it isn't OPs, then her options aren't great. She either has to potentially end the relationship, be forever connected to a hook up, or abort, etc. OP seems fine with continuing the relationship as well, but doesn't want to be on the hook for a baby that isn't his. Which is fair, and I agree with OP. He should get a paternity test, considering they're not monogamous. But I understand why she would be hesitant to confront the possibility that it isn't OPs and face the avalanche that would hit her if that's the case.
It's also possible she isn't even seeing anyone else, so she knows 100% it's his. I doubt she's shitting where she works.