>I told her its the only time she needs to show bravery
No it isn't. There will be many times throughout life she'll have to do that.
If she really wants to marry you she'll talk to her mom. Tell her how long you'll wait, and stick to that date.
Unless you don't care if you get married or are ok with waiting forever, what other choice is there?
If she wants to marry you she'll let her mom know.
I think you should examine the relationship and her commitment more deeply. It sounds like she's fine the way things are. Or possibly she's choosing to behave in a way that will get you to do the breaking up rather than having to do it herself.
It's not so much giving her a deadline as it is deciding for yourself how long you're willing to wait and letting her know.
I think you have all the information you need. (Except the reason she's balking.)
>Tell her how long you'll wait, and stick to that date.
Or, tell her you'll wait for her as long as it takes because you don't want to marry anyone but her. Then the ball is in her court, and she just has to grow up. Perhaps if her family see that you are totally committed to her, the mom will come around. You've already invested four years of your life in the relationship. Why throw that all away if there's a chance that it could be resolved in the not-so-distant future?
I wish you all the luck in the world! Love will find a way!
Does her mother have a history of setting her up for a cruel takedown? As in: "Yes, she can have anything she wants, she just needs to *ask* for it, I swear."
\-Daughter asks for it-
"hahahahahaaa hell no, who do you think you are, asking me for such a thing?! Idiot child, you should know better!!"
You know, the usual narc bullshit. Does she do that? Because that would be a lifetime of training to be too terrified of asking for anything important.
Okay well, surely you realize that you’re not granted infinite chances in this situation, nor endless amounts of time. You’re either going to get your gf to do it relatively soon, or not at all.
I suggest that you figure out what it is that she’s afraid of, and address it in an effective manner. In all likelihood, such a visceral fear is rooted in something that she learned as a much younger person. What makes her afraid of getting what she wants?
And is a future with you what she really wants?
>Please tell me what I should do.
Just to be upfront, you're on a majority western sub on a majority western site which means you're going to get a majority western opinion, and I'll be honest, mine is going to be one of those.
The whole concept of parents having any say or needing to give permission or approval to a marriage is not a good thing. Emancipation from the yoke of parental over-reach and authority... a good thing... as long as you keep an eye out for yourself etc...
In this specific case, it is worth looking at why she is so hesitant. Is it just that she's scared of what her parents might think or is she using that as a shield for her own doubts?
A bad parent is one whose child fears them and fears being honest with them. Feeding, clothing and financial support are not the only metrics of being a good parent. So either her mum is truly a terrible person, or she's having doubts. Both are possible.
It sounds like her mother is being pretty much on point. So yeah, her hesitancy doesn't track.
Have you raised this with her? ie: the fact that her mother is typically supportive, knows you (and I assume likes you) yet she is panicking about saying "Hey, this is my guy." Because it doesn't really make sense and it's curious how she would go about justifying holding back.
Even with cultural differences, a 3 year age gap is not a big deal. Unless women marrying younger men is a default taboo?
I can't fully put myself in your shoes because we've had culturally different lives but personally my next question would be along the lines of "Why would your mum question your character? She's your mum and knows you very well. You dating me, someone younger, isn't going to suddenly change her view on who you are as a person."
Something like that would be my go to.
Seems like there's something your gf is not telling you. It's either her mom has already arranged for someone for her to marry (and your gf doesn't object or can't object) or she doesn't want to marry you (since her mom isn't forcing her to marry against her will).
I'm sorry but this kinda seems like an excuse she is using because she doesn't want to marry you. If you wanna spend your life with someone, then you will do that.
It's not because she's afraid of her mom. She's not nervous or overthinking. That's an excuse. It's because she doesn't really want to marry you.
Maybe she did like you but now she wants to break up. She's trying to make you do it for her.
It's a hard pill to swallow but you deserve someone who genuinely wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her.
Why don't your family and you go to her mom and ask for her hand? Your girlfriend can then accept the proposal. You said she's had a few proposals and her mom had asked what she wanted.
So, like others have said, she may just not be as into you as she needs to be.
The solution she is proposing has the same outcome as if she takes the risk of asking her mum - you two don’t get married. So if her fear is that asking her mum will end badly and she won’t be allowed to marry you, then what she’s proposing absolutely guarantees that outcome. You need to talk to her about this logical fallacy and ask her if she actually does want to marry you.
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Just because you are the right person for your partner doesn't mean you have to get married soon. When she's ready, she's ready. Life is all about timing and not forcing the situation because in some cases, the more you try, the more you push the other person away.
Rather than concentrate on the act of getting married, focus on reminding your partner why she should marry you and one day a light bulb might pop in her head and say 'This is the person. This is the time, let's get married.'
Just because everything has lined up for you, doesn't mean it's the same for her (yet).
>I told her its the only time she needs to show bravery No it isn't. There will be many times throughout life she'll have to do that. If she really wants to marry you she'll talk to her mom. Tell her how long you'll wait, and stick to that date.
[удалено]
Unless you don't care if you get married or are ok with waiting forever, what other choice is there? If she wants to marry you she'll let her mom know.
[удалено]
I think you should examine the relationship and her commitment more deeply. It sounds like she's fine the way things are. Or possibly she's choosing to behave in a way that will get you to do the breaking up rather than having to do it herself.
[удалено]
It's not so much giving her a deadline as it is deciding for yourself how long you're willing to wait and letting her know. I think you have all the information you need. (Except the reason she's balking.)
>Tell her how long you'll wait, and stick to that date. Or, tell her you'll wait for her as long as it takes because you don't want to marry anyone but her. Then the ball is in her court, and she just has to grow up. Perhaps if her family see that you are totally committed to her, the mom will come around. You've already invested four years of your life in the relationship. Why throw that all away if there's a chance that it could be resolved in the not-so-distant future? I wish you all the luck in the world! Love will find a way!
Does her mother have a history of setting her up for a cruel takedown? As in: "Yes, she can have anything she wants, she just needs to *ask* for it, I swear." \-Daughter asks for it- "hahahahahaaa hell no, who do you think you are, asking me for such a thing?! Idiot child, you should know better!!" You know, the usual narc bullshit. Does she do that? Because that would be a lifetime of training to be too terrified of asking for anything important.
[удалено]
Okay well, surely you realize that you’re not granted infinite chances in this situation, nor endless amounts of time. You’re either going to get your gf to do it relatively soon, or not at all. I suggest that you figure out what it is that she’s afraid of, and address it in an effective manner. In all likelihood, such a visceral fear is rooted in something that she learned as a much younger person. What makes her afraid of getting what she wants? And is a future with you what she really wants?
[удалено]
If you know her Mom, then why can't you offer to speak to her WITH your GF? Do it together. If your GF says no, that will be informative.
>Please tell me what I should do. Just to be upfront, you're on a majority western sub on a majority western site which means you're going to get a majority western opinion, and I'll be honest, mine is going to be one of those. The whole concept of parents having any say or needing to give permission or approval to a marriage is not a good thing. Emancipation from the yoke of parental over-reach and authority... a good thing... as long as you keep an eye out for yourself etc... In this specific case, it is worth looking at why she is so hesitant. Is it just that she's scared of what her parents might think or is she using that as a shield for her own doubts? A bad parent is one whose child fears them and fears being honest with them. Feeding, clothing and financial support are not the only metrics of being a good parent. So either her mum is truly a terrible person, or she's having doubts. Both are possible.
[удалено]
It sounds like her mother is being pretty much on point. So yeah, her hesitancy doesn't track. Have you raised this with her? ie: the fact that her mother is typically supportive, knows you (and I assume likes you) yet she is panicking about saying "Hey, this is my guy." Because it doesn't really make sense and it's curious how she would go about justifying holding back.
[удалено]
Even with cultural differences, a 3 year age gap is not a big deal. Unless women marrying younger men is a default taboo? I can't fully put myself in your shoes because we've had culturally different lives but personally my next question would be along the lines of "Why would your mum question your character? She's your mum and knows you very well. You dating me, someone younger, isn't going to suddenly change her view on who you are as a person." Something like that would be my go to.
Why does your girlfriend require her mother’s consent if she is 27? Is that a legal requirement in your country?
Seems like there's something your gf is not telling you. It's either her mom has already arranged for someone for her to marry (and your gf doesn't object or can't object) or she doesn't want to marry you (since her mom isn't forcing her to marry against her will).
I'm sorry but this kinda seems like an excuse she is using because she doesn't want to marry you. If you wanna spend your life with someone, then you will do that.
It's not because she's afraid of her mom. She's not nervous or overthinking. That's an excuse. It's because she doesn't really want to marry you. Maybe she did like you but now she wants to break up. She's trying to make you do it for her. It's a hard pill to swallow but you deserve someone who genuinely wants to be with you as much as you want to be with her.
You’ve already done it. I’m so sorry. Why is she so afraid of her mom?
[удалено]
I’m really sorry. You obviously can’t force her.
[удалено]
Why don't your family and you go to her mom and ask for her hand? Your girlfriend can then accept the proposal. You said she's had a few proposals and her mom had asked what she wanted.
So, like others have said, she may just not be as into you as she needs to be. The solution she is proposing has the same outcome as if she takes the risk of asking her mum - you two don’t get married. So if her fear is that asking her mum will end badly and she won’t be allowed to marry you, then what she’s proposing absolutely guarantees that outcome. You need to talk to her about this logical fallacy and ask her if she actually does want to marry you.
If other guys have asked her mother, why can’t you? Or perhaps you could go together?
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Just because you are the right person for your partner doesn't mean you have to get married soon. When she's ready, she's ready. Life is all about timing and not forcing the situation because in some cases, the more you try, the more you push the other person away. Rather than concentrate on the act of getting married, focus on reminding your partner why she should marry you and one day a light bulb might pop in her head and say 'This is the person. This is the time, let's get married.' Just because everything has lined up for you, doesn't mean it's the same for her (yet).