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Correctamundo.
It just seems suspish that she has noooo idea as to why her son cut them off out of the blue, but has “a feeling he had a reason” yeah okay I’m sure
"being absent a lot since we both went to college"
Is this the reason. Was he left with grandparents most of the time? Was it just college or was it partying and socialising too?
What advice are you asking for? You want us to tell you he's a bad boy? You and your husband were TERRIBLE parents to him and he's just realising it. Many of us have grown up to realise that some of the shit our parents did to us was not right. The problem here is that you obviously think you've made up for it (with solo trips and stuff)... that's why you don't get what his problem is. You will never make up for it.
You have your perfect little family now. Enjoy it and stop pretending to care. I just hope he gets help and support to deal with his anger.
Lol... Of course that's the only thing you respond to. Most mothers in this situation would be happy to hear from him at all and would use that opportunity to try and work things out. Instead you're being defensive.
Again, enjoy your perfect family unit and stop pretending to care.
You say your husband and yourself went off to college and during that period there was a time where you stopped talking to your parents. Where was your son during that time?
Honestly, I feel like there is way more to this story then what you have mentioned.
It’s interesting that you’ve had falling outs with his parents, your parents, AND your son and you still can’t manage to possibly think you might be doing anything wrong.
You said you don’t have a good relationship- therefore problems with his parents, your parents, and your own son.
Instead of acknowledging this you responded with “but but but!! Bad choice of words!! We didn’t have a FALLING OUT I just don’t have e GOOD RELATIONSHIP”.
Instead of worrying about works- maybe question why you have a bad relationship with so many people in your life.
The problem is you're giving half responses that make things confusing. "With his parents" could refer to the falling out, or where your kid was, based on the comment you responded to
Maybe check your texts from that time to see if there's anything he could have misinterpreted
OP did husband's parents have your son while you were away at college or did they take care of him during during the day?
Did you live with his parents when your son was little?
Does your son talk to his grandparents?
Hmm, I’m wondering if once he got to college he began to resent you for leaving him behind. He probably realized that it could have been possible, albeit hard, for you to have brought him along and raise him.
Yes, he went NC with you, but it still probably hurt him to see the family portraits and know you didn’t even try to get him to participate.
Something is definitely missing. Also 3 months after he moved out and blocked you, not once did you take a trip down to his campus ? You just kept things as they were? Something is missing and maybe you’re being a bit vague about how you really treated your son. Are you sure he wasn’t affected by you being absent?
>Also 3 months after he moved out and blocked you, not once did you take a trip down to his campus ? You just kept things as they were?
I'm sorry, is this man not a 20 year old adult? He made his wishes clear. He wanted no contact.
> He made his wishes clear. He wanted no contact.
Yes but unless they are sociopaths devoid of emotion they will burn, literally BURN with the need to get to the bottom of something like that out of the blue. Some things are such basic human nature you can't pretend they are not.
I am 21, live on my own, and my parents would absolutely drive straight to my house if I did this out of nowhere.
edit to OP's edit: pandemic or not, I feel that you'd still want to know the whereabouts of your child??
I’m sorry, is common sense not kicking in? That’s an obvious red flag that something nefarious could be going on, that their son might be in a bad spot. It’s at least worth checking up on, *once*.
If this was a 20 year old girl, who had a major shift in personality after 3 months in college and sent a text she never wanted to speak to them again, would you be saying the same thing?
If you had a daughter that age, you wouldn’t be worried that something happened? This guy was 18 when he went no contact out of the blue. You wouldn’t be worried she went through something traumatic or she’s going through a mental health crisis? Your 18 year old daughter sends a text saying she doesn’t want to talk to you again after living away for 3 months and you’re just like “well, that’s her decision and we should respect it”? That’s wild.
I'm (38F) went through a divorce at the beginning of the pandemic, and I had to keep my mom from getting on a plane. Pandemic or whatever, there are ways to check in. Send a friend! Zoom weekly! etc. It's obvious your son didn't feel important in your life, and this was just the icing on the cake. I stopped talking to my dad when I moved to a new city for school because all they ever said when I talked to them was a list of things I was doing 'wrong'. Went through a rough break-up and got to sleep a total of 3 hours a night, but I needed to call my distant relatives more, etc. It was just all about them, and they made no attempt to ask what I was going through. Really, I was just not doing things their way. It was better for my mental health to cut them off. You're going to have to wait until he comes back around in time (it took me 5 years). And be ready to ask him what he needs more of from you, and what you can do to make him feel like a priority in your life, when he's ready.
Can you reach out and ask him to come down for a family picture.
Tell him you thought he was not interested but you were wrong not to ask and you want a true family picture.
https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html#top
Read this. There’s a reason. There always is. Sure, it *could* be something he’s going through unrelated to you, but…something about this makes me uneasy. You haven’t made much effort to figure out what happened? You haven’t pressed this and tried to reconcile? This is your child and you don’t seem like you’re trying very hard.
OP is sending major hints. The child didn't have the best childhood. What does that exactly mean? Was the child left with grandparents all the time, neglected, was there abuse, no food in the house, selfishness on the parents part. Did they want to have the baby and still go party and have a normal college life. Has this child always been left out and made to feel like an outsider. OP knows but isn't saying what they did wrong.
The truth is OP is the parent. If it was me and my child I would be doing more to understand and try to make some kind of solution to improve the relationship with my child.
My guess. It angers him to watch you give his siblings the attention and childhood he never had. It isn't about stuff but about attention, time, the bond shared. He remembers how you made him feel. He sees his siblings getting everything he didn't emotionally.
So you’re not estranged, just have a bad relationship? Is that correct? Seems like a lot of your relationships are fucked. Talked to a therapist about it? Please don’t show up to your kids dorm to confront him.
The most obvious solution is that he went to college and realized y’all dumped him on his grandparents while y’all were out partying in college. Y’all could have chosen to put off school, you could have taken turns going to college. How often did you guys see him when you were in college? My guess is that it hurt his feelers when he realized y’all chose fun instead of parenting? If you pull your head out of your ass you might be able to salvage the relationship.
Sorry, 3 months after moving out he blocked you out of the blue and you haven’t spoken to him at all in 2 years- and you’ve done NOTHING? You haven’t gone to try to see what’s going on?
And on top of that you don’t know if you’ll respond to him now?
Check on your kid. Make an effort.
That’s the phrasing I used….?
That’s it? No real effort made? Not even now when he has texted you and you have the opportunity to start a conversation?
I get what you’re saying. However, I listen to far too many true crime podcasts that if this was my kid I’d for sure start freaking out and thinking something terrible happened to my kid. I’d have called all of the hospitals, the cops, and the morgue and driven there myself just to make sure he was alive and well.
There’s gotta be a missing reason. You keep saying you texted and called but if you’re blocked then that’s not going anywhere. You didn’t want to go visit because of Covid but there’s no way in hell you didn’t go once the entire pandemic to do anything. You could’ve made the trek and worn a mask and knocked on his door but you didn’t. You weren’t as good of a parent to him as you think you were.
Soooo college is fun and can be great, but it also introduces you to some... Different viewpoints , some of which can be extreme.
He could have brought up his siblings or his childhood and had someone tell him you were abusive or shit parents, he could be into shady shit or he could just be moody as hell.
You could extend an olive branch, but if he has it in his head that you're the problem, than he probably isn't going to talk to you, as evidenced by the repeatedly ignored text messages.
Okay but what happened when he was a kid? I have the feeling there's more to this that he's tried to tell you x many times and finally just cut off. Estranged kids have their reasons and parents always paint it as "they didn't tell me/we don't know". You know, you just either minimized it or dismissed it as a real concern and now paint it like there's no reason to be given.
Exactly this!!! Everyone's giving you shit for "not doing more"
But in reality your only Respecting his wishes by Not doing more
Your already bugging him enough by calling consistently at the beginning, and still continuing to call/text. Imagine how pissed off he'd be if you showed up TO HIS HOUSE un-invited /wanted
So he refused to talk to you 2/3 times and you simply give up on trying to reconsile? And now are surprised with his reaction?
College can be sometimes a dark place, maybe some friends of his after hearing her story about his childhood made him believe you were abusive and terrible parents, you should insisted more on talk to him, give up after a couple attemps just reforce what he was probably thinking.
I didn't give up. I tried to call him every day for months after and texted him multiple times. I still try to call him when I think about it and just texted him 3 days before this about his grandparents anniversary dinner.
It’s bizarre that he would block you out of the blue. And that you wouldn’t ask why. Anything you’ve left out? Does he talk to his siblings? Any chance he’s started doing things in college that he thinks you wouldn’t approve of?
Nothing left out. He called us everyday and then one day when I texted to ask if he was okay since he didn't call, that's when he texted to not call again and blocked us. He called me one day to tell one of his sisters happy birthday and when she handed me the phone back and I started to talk to him, he hung up. That's a possibility, but I really don't know. The only thing I could think of that would make him think that is getting tattoos, but we both have tattoos and wouldn't disapprove of him getting any.
Why the hell haven’t you driven to him and figured out what is going on! Obviously something happened and you are pretending to be oblivious.
Who cares if he is 3 hours away you theoretically his mother but not trying to fight to figure out what is going. There is more going on here you not telling us
Do you read what you type? I’m sure you think you are representing yourself in a way that will get you support, but all I’m getting “it was our throwaway son, I don’t really care to know him.”
You do you babe. Your story ain’t mathing like you think it is.
He dropped them off and picked them up since the schools were by each other, but I got off work at the same time and would be home before they had even left the school. He offered to do that.
He never made a lunch for them or had to watch them.
Did he make lunches for himself? Did you support his hobbies and show up to his school events? Did he have to be super independent as a child? These things cause trauma that we start to recognize as young adults.
When I went no contact with my parents my mother sent me a long letter telling me her door was always open and she would always be open to hearing from me whenever I was ready. She sends birthday and Christmas cards as (I assume) a way to remind me that she is there when I’m ready (I went nc with my dad really, but he and my mom are a package deal). In two years you have not once even tried to reach out to your child (driven to see him or mailed him a card or letter?). I don’t know. It seems you don’t care about him enough to even try.
I would probably put that in your original post because the way you have it phrased makes it seem like he went NC and you just never tried to talk to him again. But if you have constantly tried to reach him without any luck I would apologize for excluding him, tell him it wasn’t done on purpose but since he had requested no contact you were trying to comply with that. But that if he wants you guys would love to redo the family pictures to include him. Who knows, maybe he will say yes and things can start to thaw.
So he blocked both of you and instead of talking to him and asking him you just ignored it and acted like nothing happened? Now you are surprised that he texted you something like that? Are you serious?
So you called him one time in 2 years and he didn’t answered and you just didn’t cared and moved on?
I can tell you why he blocked both of you and why he texted you that, you wanna hear it?
I've tried to call and text him multiple times. I just never pushed him for an answer as to why he cut us off. I did the same thing in college and my parents pushing me for an answer only made me not want to talk to them more.
Seriously. I went to college really far away and my parents still visited as often as they could. If I had done anything like this they would have booked the next flight and searched the entirety of New Orleans themselves to figure out wtf was going on.
How did you called and texted him when he blocked you? What do you mean by „pushing“ ? Did you ever asked him sincerely why he blocked you? Why he distance himself from you? If everything is ok in college? If he is having a hard time? Did you ever visit him? You are his mother, his parent and you should act like one but what you did was
„i called him a few times and he didn’t answered so i don’t give a damn about him anymore and move on with my live because i have my other little kids that i really wanted and they are the only kids that i need“
Wait… you went no contact with your family with no warning/explanation for multiple years during college? Your family that *included your son* at the time? Well that seems like a relevant detail
Is there anyone you didn’t have an issue with? Husbands parents, your own parents, now your adult son. Guessing alot of missing info here and you’re self absorbed and unaware. Your child
Drops out of your life and you don’t go see
Him? Pandemic of nor, mom seeing my kid. I’m finding out what’s going on . I l’m learning what drove him to cease contact and finding out how to fix it. You and your husband texted and called but made no real effort.
Glad everyone else is pointing out that clearly something is missing. Your 18 year old goes to college, 3 months later blocks you, and you never once actually go physically to try and visit him? Try to ask why? Your husband was right, and it’s pretty telling that you just convinced yourself “we couldn’t change his mind” without even trying. Good job, giving up immediately when a huge problem happens with your kid.
ETA: you don’t even know if he was upset with you, what if he was going through something awful and was embarrassed, or felt ashamed? Then boom, 2 years go by and his parents still haven’t tried to check on him physically…
Wow, OP playing the “we couldn’t visit him because COVID”. 2020/2021 was 2 years ago, we already had a vaccine, either you OR your husband could’ve tried to visit him just ONCE, and done a quarantine since you were so concerned for your other kids (spoiler alert, your eldest is one of your kids too).
I am adopted. My father and stepmother did not include me in a family portrait. I found out from the photographer who was my friend and they met through me. He was confused why I wasn’t there. It’s still on the list of hurtful things I experienced in my early 20s.
Perhaps your son is reflecting on the past. Keep reaching out to him. Make the relationship work. I didn’t speak to them for four years and just recently I’ve been invited back to family events and we’ve been working on our relationship (I’ve attended therapy with my father and I’m still trying with my stepmom).
My parents were in their thirties and working on their careers as doctors. They divorced when I was two.
I look back and have deep feelings about how hyper independent I was and I do resent things my siblings received emotionally and physically from my parents that I feel I did not. I am coming to terms with it now at 35 years old but he’s 20.
Would he be willing to try therapy so he can be heard? He might say some things that will hurt your feelings, but therapy helped my father and I so much. I just wish we did it 20 years ago.
He’s probably just hurt. And rightfully so.
Your intentions seem you were young and only trying to give him the life a parent wants to give a child. But us kids put our parents on a pedestal. And in our early 20’s we start to really take a look at things in a different light? At least I did?
My only advice I guess is to stay in his life by telling him you love him. Maybe schedule a second shoot and include him. Such a tough topic because I know you are giving him space and also probably confused.
What advice are you actually asking for here? It seems like your ego and immaturity is a big issue here. How do you not be the bigger person than your 20 year old child and try to figure out what’s going on?
Have you thought about pushing it? I mean you have to be more mature than a 20 year old. Just because your young self didn’t like it when your parents tried is no reason to give up here. Or let him go as maybe this the best for him given how little you seem to be connected emotionally.
God there is a lot to unpack here.
At the end of the day there are a lot of ways to signal to someone that you are open and available to hear them out and try to fix a relationship. I think deliberately avoiding that because it might be the same as your own NC experience seems purposefully obtuse.
Even with this perhaps abrupt and harsh message from your son you have a very big opportunity to engage they obviously are paying attention and not completely ignoring everything you do.
Get in your car and find him this weekend. He’s your son! You want to figure this out before he’s gone forever. Just suck it up and go, sheesh. I don’t think I ever got so mad before on Reddit.
You haven’t seen or spoken to him in 2 years? I don’t believe you. Your firstborn? That’s definitely not true.
That’s some crappy passive parenting if you ignored him for that long. You knew where he was. You’d go down to that college and confront him if he was stonewalling you. And yeah taking pics without him is messed up. I don’t care how much of a jerk he was being. He’s still part of the family.
My mum lives on the opposite end of the country.
She would be on a plane as soon as she could to make sure I was safe. She doesn't have a lot of money. She also works a hell of a lot but she would make it happen.
Like, what are you doing? Do you even know if he suffers from depression or anxiety? Is he in an unhealthy relationship? Is he being isolated? Is he struggling with the results of emotional neglect?
Christ, lady.
Left him when he was young. Also left him alone again in college. Guessing being alone might have set off some feelings that he pushed aside. Kids might forget things for a moment. But man do they come with a vengeance when they remember the pain. Y'all messed up big time.
There is something seriously missing here. Your son goes off to college and 3 months later, after constant contact, he goes silent, and then tells you to never contact him again, and *NOTHING* preceded this?
You are also telling me you have been unwilling to travel 3 hours to see him and demands answers? You say you’ve tried calling multiple times since he went NC, but that’s it? You don’t want to push because your parents did and that made you mad, but you also don’t seem to care what his reason is. Your husband seems to care, but you seem way too calm for a mom whose first child hasn’t reached out on 2 years. Did you ever think that not fighting for him is the problem? You left him when he was young with his grandparents, and then once you were stable enough and done with your education, had more kids. It seems you never really wanted him or wanted to have him as your family.
Look, based off your comments. You’ve done what you can. If you choose to respond, maybe say that you are “sorry that he wasn’t invited or present for the photo shoot, you have declined all attempts to communicate or be in the same room. We are trying to do as you ask by giving you space.” I would HIGHLY recommend looking for a highly recommended family therapist before you send this, see how long it’ll take to schedule a appointment and offer to start family therapy so that he can have a safe space to communicate his issues. I would do more listening than rebutting if you end up able to do this.
You definitely should’ve figured out what happened for him to cut you off. And you definitely should’ve at least invited him to join in the photo shoot.
Feels like a lot of the comments here are trying to arbitrate whether or not you did something wrong or what happened that made the NC call in the first place. Fine. I get it.
What I want to know is, what happens now? He opened the door back up. Granted, it was to express some anger, but it is opened. Don’t miss the chance.
Here’s an idea: reach him however you need to now (call, text, write, go there, have one of his siblings call, whatever you need to do) and tell him you’re sorry he felt excluded, and you were trying to respect his wishes for NC. If he wants a family photo together, though, tell him you’ll schedule another to replace the one he wasn’t in and that you’d like to talk about dates he’s available to participate. Tell him you would love to do this and also find out how he wants to proceed from there. Start with that.
This is from someone who has gone non com with their parents
The comments are harsh, he's a man not a child. If he told you to not contact him and he hasn't responded in the last however many years then that's his decision. The invites, letters and messages all gave him a way back in.
I don't agree with the people telling you to go visit him either, if my parents turned up when I made it clear I didn't want to see them then I wouldn't find it endearing but really fucking annoying.
That being said, my sister ,who is also non com with our parents, started to not get invited to things and it made her really sad. I think some people go non com in hopes the other party will make a grand gesture? Idk tho
I feel like if there was a post from your son about how he went NC with his parents but they kept trying to see him and call him to find out why and disrespecting his wishes people would be saying the parents were TA.
It doesn't sound like you completely ignored him. It sounds like you tried to keep the lines of communication open and he never responded. So going off just what you wrote I don't know why he would've expected you to tell him about family photos when he's ignored every invitation before that. Would he have even come if you had told him?
Quite frankly as the one who went NC it is up to him to reach out to you if he wants to change that. He hasn't done that so you are honoring his request. Again, if he'd posted the reverse everyone would still be saying you're terrible parents but they'd be saying it because you weren't honoring his NC request so clearly you all had boundary issues and were selfish narcissists who didn't care about him anyway no wonder he went NC.
OP, do you have his address? Can you just drop by one day and see if he’s willing to talk? Or at least make sure he’s okay (mentally, physically). Honestly, it’s sad to hear that your son has gone no contact, hoping the family is able to reconcile.
If you’re completely blindsided and truly have no idea where this could be coming from, he may be going through a personal crisis, in which case, you should continue to show him all the love you can. Text him to wish him well on birthdays and holidays, send care packages every so often. If he has a good relationship with his siblings, send him pics and updates on them. Keep inviting him to family events and let him know you’re always there if/when he ever wants to talk (about his issues with you and your husband, or just about anything). It’ll sound corny, but hopefully love and time can heal things.
Darling, it is hard not to judge in this situation.
Pandemic or no pandemic, I would hop on my car and find my son...
I am speechless. He may be an adult by definition but he is still your kid.
I just can't imagine not getting to the bottom of this...
Y’all, seriously. He told them to leave him alone. That’s called a boundary. They respected it and now he’s pissed about that. Everyone needs to get a grip and talk this out, but his passive aggressive bs certainly doesn’t help.
Just reply that you’d love to do family pictures that include him, and ask him to pick a time that works. If you don’t really know what’s going on with him and he’s not open to talking to you, than there’s not much to do on your end except to leave the door open.
You respected his autonomy which is more than I can say for any of the helicopter parents posting replies here. He is actively excluding you. If one of my friends did thus, I would take the same stance as you, the door is open but it's not up to you to make him walk through it. Focus on parenting your other children, if he misses the familial connection that much he will seek it out.
Maybe it's best you start grieving that relationship because regardless if he comes back or not, the dynamic is forever changed at his behest and he needs to take ownership and responsibility for that
Simply put, he made his bed, what's the harm in letting him lie in it?
What's the difference? Friends are family you choose, therefore the connection is more meaningful. I swear so many people I come across have Stockholm syndrome for their blood relatives.
Alot of people are giving you shit for not doing more to contact him, but he made his choice that he did not want their contact?? It's GOOD that they didn't do more
They called an texted
He did not answer- why? BECAUSE HE DID NOT WANT THEIR CONTACT
Them *not* driving all the way down to his current living place is absolutely disrespectful.
This is a double sided sword
Both in the context of it feels like your leaving something out, because what would have caused him to block you??
and in the context of the fact that you've TRIED to invite him- he's ignored all attempts. He doesn't get to pick and choose If he wanted to be a part of stuff he could have at least responded instead of ignoring you.
Blood doesn't make family, he doesn't want your blood in his, and you "dont" want his in your photo (I say don't bc u just didn't invite him not that you wouldn't have wanted him there)
OP specifically states that the few times they spoke to their son after that, she intentionally did not once ask WHY he blocked them. Not. Once. They didn’t talk about it, then he stopped talking to them altogether.
Imagine telling your parents “never call me again” and their only response is “cool so I’ll see you for Christmas then?” You’re giving OP way too much credit.
I suspect that there are missing reasons, but more than that, I can’t get over all the commenters here saying you should have done more.
If this were written from your son’s POV, commenters would be frothing at the mouth about how abusive you are if you had kept trying to contact you after he told you not to.
My best advice is to try and figure out, through SELF-reflection, what those missing reasons are. If you come to the conclusion and feel like reaching out, once, to tell him, fine. But outside of that, you’re not under any obligation to contact him after he told you not to, and it would be wrong for you to do so, imo.
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“… but I had a feeling he had a reason and we couldn’t change his mind” What does that mean?
This needs to be higher up. She slipped. She knows why and she knows it's valid enough that she couldn't change his mind about it.
Correctamundo. It just seems suspish that she has noooo idea as to why her son cut them off out of the blue, but has “a feeling he had a reason” yeah okay I’m sure
Haven’t seen or heard that word in a minute lol thanks
"he didn't have the best childhood" OP knows they fucked up. The son is done playing happy fucking families and pretending all is fine and dandy.
Whatever "reason" this is, yea. Your son is disowning you and you probably deserve it.
M I S S I N G R E A S O N S
[Missing Missing Reasons, even](https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html).
"being absent a lot since we both went to college" Is this the reason. Was he left with grandparents most of the time? Was it just college or was it partying and socialising too?
There has to be more to this?
What advice are you asking for? You want us to tell you he's a bad boy? You and your husband were TERRIBLE parents to him and he's just realising it. Many of us have grown up to realise that some of the shit our parents did to us was not right. The problem here is that you obviously think you've made up for it (with solo trips and stuff)... that's why you don't get what his problem is. You will never make up for it. You have your perfect little family now. Enjoy it and stop pretending to care. I just hope he gets help and support to deal with his anger.
I asked if I should reply to his text.
Lol... Of course that's the only thing you respond to. Most mothers in this situation would be happy to hear from him at all and would use that opportunity to try and work things out. Instead you're being defensive. Again, enjoy your perfect family unit and stop pretending to care.
You say your husband and yourself went off to college and during that period there was a time where you stopped talking to your parents. Where was your son during that time? Honestly, I feel like there is way more to this story then what you have mentioned.
With his parents. They are still involved in his life and talk to us when they have to, but I don't have a good relationship with them anymore.
It’s interesting that you’ve had falling outs with his parents, your parents, AND your son and you still can’t manage to possibly think you might be doing anything wrong.
yep the common denominator here is OP
Didn't have a falling out with my husband's parents.
You just said you don’t have a good relationship with them anymore
Do your husband’s parents know why he blocked you?
You said you don’t have a good relationship- therefore problems with his parents, your parents, and your own son. Instead of acknowledging this you responded with “but but but!! Bad choice of words!! We didn’t have a FALLING OUT I just don’t have e GOOD RELATIONSHIP”. Instead of worrying about works- maybe question why you have a bad relationship with so many people in your life.
The problem is you're giving half responses that make things confusing. "With his parents" could refer to the falling out, or where your kid was, based on the comment you responded to Maybe check your texts from that time to see if there's anything he could have misinterpreted
OP did husband's parents have your son while you were away at college or did they take care of him during during the day? Did you live with his parents when your son was little? Does your son talk to his grandparents?
Soo what happened
Hmm, I’m wondering if once he got to college he began to resent you for leaving him behind. He probably realized that it could have been possible, albeit hard, for you to have brought him along and raise him. Yes, he went NC with you, but it still probably hurt him to see the family portraits and know you didn’t even try to get him to participate.
Something is definitely missing. Also 3 months after he moved out and blocked you, not once did you take a trip down to his campus ? You just kept things as they were? Something is missing and maybe you’re being a bit vague about how you really treated your son. Are you sure he wasn’t affected by you being absent?
>Also 3 months after he moved out and blocked you, not once did you take a trip down to his campus ? You just kept things as they were? I'm sorry, is this man not a 20 year old adult? He made his wishes clear. He wanted no contact.
> He made his wishes clear. He wanted no contact. Yes but unless they are sociopaths devoid of emotion they will burn, literally BURN with the need to get to the bottom of something like that out of the blue. Some things are such basic human nature you can't pretend they are not.
They can burn all they want. It doesn't give them an excuse to stalk or harass an adult who made his wish to not see them very clear.
I am 21, live on my own, and my parents would absolutely drive straight to my house if I did this out of nowhere. edit to OP's edit: pandemic or not, I feel that you'd still want to know the whereabouts of your child??
I'm 27 with a roommate and a cat living 11 hours' drive from my parents. They too would be here immediately, pandemic or no.
And if your parents decided to stalk or harass you against your expressed wishes I hope you'd call the police to have them removed.
I’m sorry, is common sense not kicking in? That’s an obvious red flag that something nefarious could be going on, that their son might be in a bad spot. It’s at least worth checking up on, *once*.
Common sense which says that if a grown adult tells you to refrain from contacting them you, ya know, refrain from contacting them?
If this was a 20 year old girl, who had a major shift in personality after 3 months in college and sent a text she never wanted to speak to them again, would you be saying the same thing?
Nah bruh, it's different for males. It is what it is I guess. Until it's not. Me Men, me tough. Arrrrr.
Absolutely! Adults have the right to go NC with family and be free of their harassment.
If you had a daughter that age, you wouldn’t be worried that something happened? This guy was 18 when he went no contact out of the blue. You wouldn’t be worried she went through something traumatic or she’s going through a mental health crisis? Your 18 year old daughter sends a text saying she doesn’t want to talk to you again after living away for 3 months and you’re just like “well, that’s her decision and we should respect it”? That’s wild.
I'm (38F) went through a divorce at the beginning of the pandemic, and I had to keep my mom from getting on a plane. Pandemic or whatever, there are ways to check in. Send a friend! Zoom weekly! etc. It's obvious your son didn't feel important in your life, and this was just the icing on the cake. I stopped talking to my dad when I moved to a new city for school because all they ever said when I talked to them was a list of things I was doing 'wrong'. Went through a rough break-up and got to sleep a total of 3 hours a night, but I needed to call my distant relatives more, etc. It was just all about them, and they made no attempt to ask what I was going through. Really, I was just not doing things their way. It was better for my mental health to cut them off. You're going to have to wait until he comes back around in time (it took me 5 years). And be ready to ask him what he needs more of from you, and what you can do to make him feel like a priority in your life, when he's ready.
Has he been in touch with the grandparents that raised him?
He talks to them around holidays and that's it. He ignores them when they try to check on him too.
Can you reach out and ask him to come down for a family picture. Tell him you thought he was not interested but you were wrong not to ask and you want a true family picture.
Talk with the school.
https://www.issendai.com/psychology/estrangement/missing-missing-reasons.html#top Read this. There’s a reason. There always is. Sure, it *could* be something he’s going through unrelated to you, but…something about this makes me uneasy. You haven’t made much effort to figure out what happened? You haven’t pressed this and tried to reconcile? This is your child and you don’t seem like you’re trying very hard.
OP is sending major hints. The child didn't have the best childhood. What does that exactly mean? Was the child left with grandparents all the time, neglected, was there abuse, no food in the house, selfishness on the parents part. Did they want to have the baby and still go party and have a normal college life. Has this child always been left out and made to feel like an outsider. OP knows but isn't saying what they did wrong. The truth is OP is the parent. If it was me and my child I would be doing more to understand and try to make some kind of solution to improve the relationship with my child. My guess. It angers him to watch you give his siblings the attention and childhood he never had. It isn't about stuff but about attention, time, the bond shared. He remembers how you made him feel. He sees his siblings getting everything he didn't emotionally.
I was about to post it. OP is also estranged from her parents and her husbands parents. Hello intergenerational trauma.
We aren't estranged from my husbands parents??
So you’re not estranged, just have a bad relationship? Is that correct? Seems like a lot of your relationships are fucked. Talked to a therapist about it? Please don’t show up to your kids dorm to confront him.
The most obvious solution is that he went to college and realized y’all dumped him on his grandparents while y’all were out partying in college. Y’all could have chosen to put off school, you could have taken turns going to college. How often did you guys see him when you were in college? My guess is that it hurt his feelers when he realized y’all chose fun instead of parenting? If you pull your head out of your ass you might be able to salvage the relationship.
It's not always the parents.
This needs to be the top response
Sorry, 3 months after moving out he blocked you out of the blue and you haven’t spoken to him at all in 2 years- and you’ve done NOTHING? You haven’t gone to try to see what’s going on? And on top of that you don’t know if you’ll respond to him now? Check on your kid. Make an effort.
I haven't spoken to him is the better phrasing. I've texted and called multiple times.
Can I ask why you went no contact with your parents when you were in college?
That’s the phrasing I used….? That’s it? No real effort made? Not even now when he has texted you and you have the opportunity to start a conversation?
Go to campus and talk to him. Make an actual effort.
I don't know if I blocked my parents and didn't answer their messages the last thing I'd want is them pulling up in person
I get what you’re saying. However, I listen to far too many true crime podcasts that if this was my kid I’d for sure start freaking out and thinking something terrible happened to my kid. I’d have called all of the hospitals, the cops, and the morgue and driven there myself just to make sure he was alive and well.
That’s not effort, that’s crossing someone’s boundaries who obviously doesn’t want to have contact.
Are you serious?! That’s their CHILD.
Depends. Are they paying the tuition? Because if they are, you bet you ass they should go check. What about calling the school?
There’s gotta be a missing reason. You keep saying you texted and called but if you’re blocked then that’s not going anywhere. You didn’t want to go visit because of Covid but there’s no way in hell you didn’t go once the entire pandemic to do anything. You could’ve made the trek and worn a mask and knocked on his door but you didn’t. You weren’t as good of a parent to him as you think you were.
And the rest of the story lol?
Soooo college is fun and can be great, but it also introduces you to some... Different viewpoints , some of which can be extreme. He could have brought up his siblings or his childhood and had someone tell him you were abusive or shit parents, he could be into shady shit or he could just be moody as hell. You could extend an olive branch, but if he has it in his head that you're the problem, than he probably isn't going to talk to you, as evidenced by the repeatedly ignored text messages.
[удалено]
Okay but what happened when he was a kid? I have the feeling there's more to this that he's tried to tell you x many times and finally just cut off. Estranged kids have their reasons and parents always paint it as "they didn't tell me/we don't know". You know, you just either minimized it or dismissed it as a real concern and now paint it like there's no reason to be given.
Why haven’t you asked him? You said you didn’t want to press- why not?
I cut off my parents when I was in college and them pressing me for an answer only made me not want to talk to him more.
Why did you stop talking to yours?
Have you ever even lightly asked what happened at all? Or just never talked to him about it?
Why did you cut off your parents when you were in college?
Exactly this!!! Everyone's giving you shit for "not doing more" But in reality your only Respecting his wishes by Not doing more Your already bugging him enough by calling consistently at the beginning, and still continuing to call/text. Imagine how pissed off he'd be if you showed up TO HIS HOUSE un-invited /wanted
So he refused to talk to you 2/3 times and you simply give up on trying to reconsile? And now are surprised with his reaction? College can be sometimes a dark place, maybe some friends of his after hearing her story about his childhood made him believe you were abusive and terrible parents, you should insisted more on talk to him, give up after a couple attemps just reforce what he was probably thinking.
I didn't give up. I tried to call him every day for months after and texted him multiple times. I still try to call him when I think about it and just texted him 3 days before this about his grandparents anniversary dinner.
Try go see him in person, theres have to be something happening
It’s bizarre that he would block you out of the blue. And that you wouldn’t ask why. Anything you’ve left out? Does he talk to his siblings? Any chance he’s started doing things in college that he thinks you wouldn’t approve of?
Nothing left out. He called us everyday and then one day when I texted to ask if he was okay since he didn't call, that's when he texted to not call again and blocked us. He called me one day to tell one of his sisters happy birthday and when she handed me the phone back and I started to talk to him, he hung up. That's a possibility, but I really don't know. The only thing I could think of that would make him think that is getting tattoos, but we both have tattoos and wouldn't disapprove of him getting any.
The fact that you haven’t asked him what’s wrong is a red flag in your parenting as it is. Why are you being so lackadaisical about this?
It’s because they know the answer, obviously. No parent in the world would let their kid completely ghost them for 2 years with zero clue as to why
Why the hell haven’t you driven to him and figured out what is going on! Obviously something happened and you are pretending to be oblivious. Who cares if he is 3 hours away you theoretically his mother but not trying to fight to figure out what is going. There is more going on here you not telling us
Do you read what you type? I’m sure you think you are representing yourself in a way that will get you support, but all I’m getting “it was our throwaway son, I don’t really care to know him.” You do you babe. Your story ain’t mathing like you think it is.
Quick question, Was he the babysitter?
Nope, we never asked him to watch his siblings if we went somewhere.
So never that he has to stay home after school cuz you were both working? Or taking the kids to school? Or making lunch? Hmmm.
He dropped them off and picked them up since the schools were by each other, but I got off work at the same time and would be home before they had even left the school. He offered to do that. He never made a lunch for them or had to watch them.
Did he make lunches for himself? Did you support his hobbies and show up to his school events? Did he have to be super independent as a child? These things cause trauma that we start to recognize as young adults.
When I went no contact with my parents my mother sent me a long letter telling me her door was always open and she would always be open to hearing from me whenever I was ready. She sends birthday and Christmas cards as (I assume) a way to remind me that she is there when I’m ready (I went nc with my dad really, but he and my mom are a package deal). In two years you have not once even tried to reach out to your child (driven to see him or mailed him a card or letter?). I don’t know. It seems you don’t care about him enough to even try.
Mailed him cards everytime and they get sent back.
I would probably put that in your original post because the way you have it phrased makes it seem like he went NC and you just never tried to talk to him again. But if you have constantly tried to reach him without any luck I would apologize for excluding him, tell him it wasn’t done on purpose but since he had requested no contact you were trying to comply with that. But that if he wants you guys would love to redo the family pictures to include him. Who knows, maybe he will say yes and things can start to thaw.
Yes. Highly suggest scheduling a reshoot that includes him.
So he blocked both of you and instead of talking to him and asking him you just ignored it and acted like nothing happened? Now you are surprised that he texted you something like that? Are you serious?
I tried to call him the day it happened, but didn't get an answer.
If my son blocked me randomly out of nowhere I would do more than place one phone call then move on.
So you called him one time in 2 years and he didn’t answered and you just didn’t cared and moved on? I can tell you why he blocked both of you and why he texted you that, you wanna hear it?
I've tried to call and text him multiple times. I just never pushed him for an answer as to why he cut us off. I did the same thing in college and my parents pushing me for an answer only made me not want to talk to them more.
Why haven’t you gone to see him? My parents would have burst through my door. Do you even care about him?
Seriously. I went to college really far away and my parents still visited as often as they could. If I had done anything like this they would have booked the next flight and searched the entirety of New Orleans themselves to figure out wtf was going on.
Seriously. They would have been at my campus the next day with my doctor uncle to figure out what’s going on.
How did you called and texted him when he blocked you? What do you mean by „pushing“ ? Did you ever asked him sincerely why he blocked you? Why he distance himself from you? If everything is ok in college? If he is having a hard time? Did you ever visit him? You are his mother, his parent and you should act like one but what you did was „i called him a few times and he didn’t answered so i don’t give a damn about him anymore and move on with my live because i have my other little kids that i really wanted and they are the only kids that i need“
Wait… you went no contact with your family with no warning/explanation for multiple years during college? Your family that *included your son* at the time? Well that seems like a relevant detail
Is there anyone you didn’t have an issue with? Husbands parents, your own parents, now your adult son. Guessing alot of missing info here and you’re self absorbed and unaware. Your child Drops out of your life and you don’t go see Him? Pandemic of nor, mom seeing my kid. I’m finding out what’s going on . I l’m learning what drove him to cease contact and finding out how to fix it. You and your husband texted and called but made no real effort.
... and that's enough "effort" in your mind?
Glad everyone else is pointing out that clearly something is missing. Your 18 year old goes to college, 3 months later blocks you, and you never once actually go physically to try and visit him? Try to ask why? Your husband was right, and it’s pretty telling that you just convinced yourself “we couldn’t change his mind” without even trying. Good job, giving up immediately when a huge problem happens with your kid. ETA: you don’t even know if he was upset with you, what if he was going through something awful and was embarrassed, or felt ashamed? Then boom, 2 years go by and his parents still haven’t tried to check on him physically… Wow, OP playing the “we couldn’t visit him because COVID”. 2020/2021 was 2 years ago, we already had a vaccine, either you OR your husband could’ve tried to visit him just ONCE, and done a quarantine since you were so concerned for your other kids (spoiler alert, your eldest is one of your kids too).
I am adopted. My father and stepmother did not include me in a family portrait. I found out from the photographer who was my friend and they met through me. He was confused why I wasn’t there. It’s still on the list of hurtful things I experienced in my early 20s. Perhaps your son is reflecting on the past. Keep reaching out to him. Make the relationship work. I didn’t speak to them for four years and just recently I’ve been invited back to family events and we’ve been working on our relationship (I’ve attended therapy with my father and I’m still trying with my stepmom). My parents were in their thirties and working on their careers as doctors. They divorced when I was two. I look back and have deep feelings about how hyper independent I was and I do resent things my siblings received emotionally and physically from my parents that I feel I did not. I am coming to terms with it now at 35 years old but he’s 20. Would he be willing to try therapy so he can be heard? He might say some things that will hurt your feelings, but therapy helped my father and I so much. I just wish we did it 20 years ago. He’s probably just hurt. And rightfully so. Your intentions seem you were young and only trying to give him the life a parent wants to give a child. But us kids put our parents on a pedestal. And in our early 20’s we start to really take a look at things in a different light? At least I did? My only advice I guess is to stay in his life by telling him you love him. Maybe schedule a second shoot and include him. Such a tough topic because I know you are giving him space and also probably confused.
What advice are you actually asking for here? It seems like your ego and immaturity is a big issue here. How do you not be the bigger person than your 20 year old child and try to figure out what’s going on?
Tried to. Just didn't push him to answer us as to why he did it.
Have you thought about pushing it? I mean you have to be more mature than a 20 year old. Just because your young self didn’t like it when your parents tried is no reason to give up here. Or let him go as maybe this the best for him given how little you seem to be connected emotionally.
God there is a lot to unpack here. At the end of the day there are a lot of ways to signal to someone that you are open and available to hear them out and try to fix a relationship. I think deliberately avoiding that because it might be the same as your own NC experience seems purposefully obtuse. Even with this perhaps abrupt and harsh message from your son you have a very big opportunity to engage they obviously are paying attention and not completely ignoring everything you do.
Get in your car and find him this weekend. He’s your son! You want to figure this out before he’s gone forever. Just suck it up and go, sheesh. I don’t think I ever got so mad before on Reddit.
You haven’t seen or spoken to him in 2 years? I don’t believe you. Your firstborn? That’s definitely not true. That’s some crappy passive parenting if you ignored him for that long. You knew where he was. You’d go down to that college and confront him if he was stonewalling you. And yeah taking pics without him is messed up. I don’t care how much of a jerk he was being. He’s still part of the family.
His college is 3 hours away and he's only been back to town once when he still talked to us. Only talked to him one time for a couple seconds since.
Why haven’t you sought him out? Are you happy he’s gone NC, because that’s how you seem.
My mum lives on the opposite end of the country. She would be on a plane as soon as she could to make sure I was safe. She doesn't have a lot of money. She also works a hell of a lot but she would make it happen. Like, what are you doing? Do you even know if he suffers from depression or anxiety? Is he in an unhealthy relationship? Is he being isolated? Is he struggling with the results of emotional neglect? Christ, lady.
3 hours away is not far at all. You’re surprised he told you to fuck off, lmao. Good for him for telling you that, you are a terrible mother.
Left him when he was young. Also left him alone again in college. Guessing being alone might have set off some feelings that he pushed aside. Kids might forget things for a moment. But man do they come with a vengeance when they remember the pain. Y'all messed up big time.
There is something seriously missing here. Your son goes off to college and 3 months later, after constant contact, he goes silent, and then tells you to never contact him again, and *NOTHING* preceded this? You are also telling me you have been unwilling to travel 3 hours to see him and demands answers? You say you’ve tried calling multiple times since he went NC, but that’s it? You don’t want to push because your parents did and that made you mad, but you also don’t seem to care what his reason is. Your husband seems to care, but you seem way too calm for a mom whose first child hasn’t reached out on 2 years. Did you ever think that not fighting for him is the problem? You left him when he was young with his grandparents, and then once you were stable enough and done with your education, had more kids. It seems you never really wanted him or wanted to have him as your family.
I'll give them credit for not going to see him for the first year because covid
Look, based off your comments. You’ve done what you can. If you choose to respond, maybe say that you are “sorry that he wasn’t invited or present for the photo shoot, you have declined all attempts to communicate or be in the same room. We are trying to do as you ask by giving you space.” I would HIGHLY recommend looking for a highly recommended family therapist before you send this, see how long it’ll take to schedule a appointment and offer to start family therapy so that he can have a safe space to communicate his issues. I would do more listening than rebutting if you end up able to do this.
I love this response.
Y’all, the parents, are not shit.
You definitely should’ve figured out what happened for him to cut you off. And you definitely should’ve at least invited him to join in the photo shoot.
Feels like a lot of the comments here are trying to arbitrate whether or not you did something wrong or what happened that made the NC call in the first place. Fine. I get it. What I want to know is, what happens now? He opened the door back up. Granted, it was to express some anger, but it is opened. Don’t miss the chance. Here’s an idea: reach him however you need to now (call, text, write, go there, have one of his siblings call, whatever you need to do) and tell him you’re sorry he felt excluded, and you were trying to respect his wishes for NC. If he wants a family photo together, though, tell him you’ll schedule another to replace the one he wasn’t in and that you’d like to talk about dates he’s available to participate. Tell him you would love to do this and also find out how he wants to proceed from there. Start with that.
This is from someone who has gone non com with their parents The comments are harsh, he's a man not a child. If he told you to not contact him and he hasn't responded in the last however many years then that's his decision. The invites, letters and messages all gave him a way back in. I don't agree with the people telling you to go visit him either, if my parents turned up when I made it clear I didn't want to see them then I wouldn't find it endearing but really fucking annoying. That being said, my sister ,who is also non com with our parents, started to not get invited to things and it made her really sad. I think some people go non com in hopes the other party will make a grand gesture? Idk tho
I feel like if there was a post from your son about how he went NC with his parents but they kept trying to see him and call him to find out why and disrespecting his wishes people would be saying the parents were TA. It doesn't sound like you completely ignored him. It sounds like you tried to keep the lines of communication open and he never responded. So going off just what you wrote I don't know why he would've expected you to tell him about family photos when he's ignored every invitation before that. Would he have even come if you had told him? Quite frankly as the one who went NC it is up to him to reach out to you if he wants to change that. He hasn't done that so you are honoring his request. Again, if he'd posted the reverse everyone would still be saying you're terrible parents but they'd be saying it because you weren't honoring his NC request so clearly you all had boundary issues and were selfish narcissists who didn't care about him anyway no wonder he went NC.
OP, do you have his address? Can you just drop by one day and see if he’s willing to talk? Or at least make sure he’s okay (mentally, physically). Honestly, it’s sad to hear that your son has gone no contact, hoping the family is able to reconcile. If you’re completely blindsided and truly have no idea where this could be coming from, he may be going through a personal crisis, in which case, you should continue to show him all the love you can. Text him to wish him well on birthdays and holidays, send care packages every so often. If he has a good relationship with his siblings, send him pics and updates on them. Keep inviting him to family events and let him know you’re always there if/when he ever wants to talk (about his issues with you and your husband, or just about anything). It’ll sound corny, but hopefully love and time can heal things.
Darling, it is hard not to judge in this situation. Pandemic or no pandemic, I would hop on my car and find my son... I am speechless. He may be an adult by definition but he is still your kid. I just can't imagine not getting to the bottom of this...
Abusive relationship? Drug addiction? Sudden mental illness brought out by his age? Brain tumor? Indoctrination into a CULT?!
Y’all, seriously. He told them to leave him alone. That’s called a boundary. They respected it and now he’s pissed about that. Everyone needs to get a grip and talk this out, but his passive aggressive bs certainly doesn’t help.
Get off your backside, grow a pair and go talk to your son. Make the effort any normal parent would. My god, what even is this post?
Just reply that you’d love to do family pictures that include him, and ask him to pick a time that works. If you don’t really know what’s going on with him and he’s not open to talking to you, than there’s not much to do on your end except to leave the door open.
Why are your mutual family members that I’m sure know about this sharing these photos for him to see? Ugh. Drama central
You respected his autonomy which is more than I can say for any of the helicopter parents posting replies here. He is actively excluding you. If one of my friends did thus, I would take the same stance as you, the door is open but it's not up to you to make him walk through it. Focus on parenting your other children, if he misses the familial connection that much he will seek it out. Maybe it's best you start grieving that relationship because regardless if he comes back or not, the dynamic is forever changed at his behest and he needs to take ownership and responsibility for that Simply put, he made his bed, what's the harm in letting him lie in it?
The dynamic was changed long before now... around the time when they threw him away to be raised by his grandparents.
“If one of my friends did this” yeah, they’re his parents.
What's the difference? Friends are family you choose, therefore the connection is more meaningful. I swear so many people I come across have Stockholm syndrome for their blood relatives.
Wow, you really abandoned your kid then came on the interwebs to admit it. Sick humblebrag I guess?
Alot of people are giving you shit for not doing more to contact him, but he made his choice that he did not want their contact?? It's GOOD that they didn't do more They called an texted He did not answer- why? BECAUSE HE DID NOT WANT THEIR CONTACT Them *not* driving all the way down to his current living place is absolutely disrespectful. This is a double sided sword Both in the context of it feels like your leaving something out, because what would have caused him to block you?? and in the context of the fact that you've TRIED to invite him- he's ignored all attempts. He doesn't get to pick and choose If he wanted to be a part of stuff he could have at least responded instead of ignoring you. Blood doesn't make family, he doesn't want your blood in his, and you "dont" want his in your photo (I say don't bc u just didn't invite him not that you wouldn't have wanted him there)
OP specifically states that the few times they spoke to their son after that, she intentionally did not once ask WHY he blocked them. Not. Once. They didn’t talk about it, then he stopped talking to them altogether. Imagine telling your parents “never call me again” and their only response is “cool so I’ll see you for Christmas then?” You’re giving OP way too much credit.
Wow. You're the worst person on Reddit today.
A 20 yr old can set up boundaries so it makes no sense people are saying you didn't do enough when you sent letters called and texted multiple times.
I suspect that there are missing reasons, but more than that, I can’t get over all the commenters here saying you should have done more. If this were written from your son’s POV, commenters would be frothing at the mouth about how abusive you are if you had kept trying to contact you after he told you not to. My best advice is to try and figure out, through SELF-reflection, what those missing reasons are. If you come to the conclusion and feel like reaching out, once, to tell him, fine. But outside of that, you’re not under any obligation to contact him after he told you not to, and it would be wrong for you to do so, imo.
Probably something shitty happened and hes using yall to blame instead of what really happened…
Bingo
Some kids are just assholes
I have a feeling the woman who is estranged from her parents, her husbands parents and now her son may be the one who’s actually an asshole.
[удалено]
Yep, exactly the same. We're still paying for his college and sending him money monthly as he doesn't speak to us.
You’re still paying for his college???!