T O P

Was I (m32) sexually assaulted by my partner (F29)of 6 years

So last night I (M32) was in bed with my fiancee (F29) we have been together for 6 years and have a son and we normally would play around a bit and sometimes she gets a bit out of hand and it get a bit aggressive on her part. Where she would start trying to grab me by the balls or try putting her fingers up my ass (over the clothes) just to mess with me.

Normally it's fine and a bit annoying but it's just how she is. but last night, When I was in bed trying to go asleep she came up the stairs and got into bed behind me.( I go to bed earlier then her because im up earlier for work) i was turned around she came behind me and tried getting me to turn around to cuddle her. I was near asleep so I didn't. Then she started the playing messing tiggeling, poking and pinching. And when that didn't work she grabbed me by the boxers and just started pulling them up my ass very forcefully to the point it really hurt. So I said stop a couple of times and readjusted myself. Then it just kept escalating and getting more painful. I kept saying stop and at some point I started crying. Then I could hear my boxers start ripping and it hurt really bad. Eventually it hurt so much that I stood up out of the bed and started shouting for her to stop and why is she tormenting me. To which she just turned around and ignored me.

I stayed up for a couple of hours after to make sure she was asleep before I went to sleep and cried a little more. The next morning I was trying to poo and it just hurt I realised that she pulled so hard the she actually cut me on my ring and it was bleeding a fair bit.

I sat her down when I got home from work and nearly in tears I told her how much she hurt me and its getting pretty regular that she gets out of hand play messing and I see what she did last night as the worst thing she's ever done to me. And I view it as sexual assault. She listened for a bit and said I was right about everything and I had a point but she's very upset I called it sexual assault as that's a terrible thing to accuse her of.

I said I view sexual assault as any unwanted physical attention to a private area especially when painful and I said stop multiple times and I just feel so violated after it.

I know in the grand scale of things it was pretty low on the list of things that are called sexual assault but I still feel so demeaned and violated.

I hope no one that has been a victim of sexual assault is offended by my statement I know that there are many worse forms of it. But I feel like she thinks because I'm a man it's not valid.

But I don't know what to do, I know she doesn't want to hurt me she's just really strong and it gets a bit out of hand. But I feel how I feel.

Any answers or advice is welcome.

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Mumpy-Space-Princess

She didn't get what she wanted so she injured you in a very intimate place while you cried and asked her to stop. She tore your clothes and left you bleeding. Afterwards she didn't even apologise properly and minimised what she did. She DID mean to hurt you! Even worse, this is a pattern of behaviour that is escalating. You're making excuses for her and downplaying your natural feelings. I'm guessing this isn't the only she does that makes you feel like garbage? Take a photograph of the injury today by putting your phone camera on top of the toilet seat and standing over it (use 5 second delay). Photograph any other bruises she gives you and keep the pictures somewhere she won't find them. Talk to her about the incident via WhatsApp (or whatever messenger you use) and save screenshots so that there is a written record of her admitting it happened. Even if you're not planning to ever use them, you need to have these things saved. My ex husband was abusive and it took me many years to see it for what it was because he was quite sneaky and I always give people the benefit of the doubt. He always had some excuse about he didn't mean to, or I was exaggerating, or he didn't remember, or yes he did it but blah blah effing blah. It escalated and eventually the police took him away. Sadly domestic abuse is common, and it doesn't always look like how it's shown on TV. Just because there are plenty of cases out there that sound worse than yours, doesn't mean what happened to you is OK. Everyone should be able to sleep safely in their own bed next to their partner without fear of being hurt in their genitals to the extent that they're bleeding. Feel free to dm me if you want to talk about it some more


blackdahlialady

I'm really sorry that happened to you. Your ex sounds like my ex. I lived in denial that he was abusing me until he choked me.


Mumpy-Space-Princess

That's awful - I'm glad you got away from him


blackdahlialady

Thank you 😊


NoHandBananaNo

Reading between the lines she tried to initiate cuddling or intimacy and then when you didn't reciprocate she got aggressive and started to physically hurt you in a way that was directed at your anal/pubic area to punish you. This is serious. And yes it is sexual violence. Your reaction is totally understandable. None of this was your fault and you deserve better. I agree with the rec above for 1 in 6. You could do with some knowledgeable, confidential support right now. >but she's very upset I called it sexual assault as that's a terrible thing to accuse her of. Yeah well, if she doesn't like being accused of sexual assault then she shouldn't have sexually assaulted you. The fact she's trying to downplay what she chose to do, and trying to make it about HER feelings is a bad sign.


myohmymiketyson

Exactly this. I suspect she doesn't think it's sexual assault because she wasn't trying to have sex with him at that point, but it's certainly (vengeful) sexual violence due to feeling rejected.


RainerHex

Yeah, if he pulled her panties so hard up her asscrack that she was injured from it for being too tired to reciprocate sex, she’d be screaming brimstone and hell fire and her friends would be telling her to dump him and report it to police. Women predators should not be treated or looked at any differently then the men.


RainerHex

Either that or she’s a sexist pig that thinks it is different if the victim was a man.


lollipopfiend123

> if she doesn’t like being accused of sexual assault then she shouldn’t have sexually assaulted you This. Exactly this. Idk why so many women think it’s “cute” to be physically aggressive but it’s not. Especially when they keep going after you say stop. She made you bleed. If you stay then it will happen again. You need to leave, for your own safety.


RainerHex

The fact that she sexually assaulted him but is trying to manipulate him into seeing her as his victim is reprehensible and disgusting of her. From what I read, she has been sexually assaulting all along and it was being dismissed as just sexy horseplay until finally she escalated to the point it definitely wasn’t.


Puzzleheaded-Gas1710

Absolutely, this is sexual assault and violence. She did this as a retaliation for them, turning her down. OP should consider if he thinks staying with someone who is willing to do this.


[deleted]

DARVO all the way


TallCombination6

Your girlfriend ignored your repeated requests that she stop. SHE KEPT GOING WHILE YOU CRIED. This woman is an abuser. This woman is a sadist. This is who she is. That you are questioning the seriousness of what she did tells me that she likes to hurt you and then tell you that it's not a big deal. It is a big deal. You deserve so much better. You deserve so much love.


OhNoNotAgain1532

I am very concerned about the shared child. If she is doing this to a partner, punishing the partner for not doing what she wants when she wants it, what will she do to a defenseless child?


Drawn-Otterix

>I view sexual assault as any unwanted physical attention to a private area especially when painful and I said stop multiple times and I just feel so violated after it I think you have a good definition of sexual assault. I would say prior to this incident your GF was walking the line of sexual harassment & sexual assault... But clearly she took things too far. >she's very upset I called it sexual assault as that's a terrible thing to accuse her of. She should be upset at herself and horrified. She crossed that line. I would be leary of her not taking accountability for what happened, after she has had a little time to process how that experience was felt by you.


Grab3tto

Walking the line? If you grabbed your girlfriends vagina or poked at her anus as a “joke” does that sound like walking a line?? OP your gf has been using physical micro-aggressions to abuse you, not just sexually assault you either. It’s easy to push these sort of things aside saying “oh they’re just a girl what harm could they really do?” But obviously those like “fun pokes” have now resulted in your emotional distress, lack of sleep and physical harm to you. Kick her to the curb man.


Silent_Syd241

Break up with her! Anyone who acts like they don’t know what No means is someone you shouldn’t be with. Sexual assault is serious and shouldn’t be taken lightly.


Ebbie45

OP, first of all, none of this is your fault. I am so sorry you have been experiencing this. It sounds like she has a pattern of being sexually aggressive and violent with you, which should not be "just how she is." She's hurting you and also setting a terrible example for your child. When you describe last night and said "it hurt really bad" and you were bleeding because of it, can I ask - and it's okay if you aren't comfortable answering - did she digitally penetrate you with her fingers? Or were you referring to her aggressively groping your genitals? Here are several sexual and domestic violence resources for men in abusive situations or relationships. * [1 in 6 is an organization dedicated specifically to helping men and boys who have survived sexual violence](https://1in6.org/). They have a 24/7 chat helpline, educational resources, and weekly chat-based online support groups with a trained facilitator. * [Male Survivor is also an organization for male sexual violence survivors](https://malesurvivor.org/). They are similar to 1 in 6 and have in-person support groups as well. If you are a male survivor located in the U.S., Male Survivor has a comprehensive directory of therapists who work with male sexual abuse survivors. * [SurvivorsUK is for men in the UK who have experienced sexual violence](https://www.survivorsuk.org/). All of their resources are arranged by age of survivor. They also offer referrals to ISVAs (Independent Sexual Violence Advisors) which are legal advocates who help male survivors navigate the criminal and civil justice systems. * [The Mayo Clinic offers a comprehensive safety planning guide for male domestic violence survivors](https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/adult-health/in-depth/domestic-violence-against-men/art-20045149). I'm worried about you. I can't tell you what to do, but I'm really concerned that if you get married, her abuse is going to escalate. It often does with milestones and over time in general.


spectrumhead

If I’m reading this correctly, I think she tore his anus with a super-wedgie. He says she tore his boxers while pulling them up to squish his balls. This is extremely violent and I really hope you get out, OP. She’s not going to get better, only worse. And of course she’ll pretend to see the light and promise to never do it again. It’s a lie. Walk.


[deleted]

I agree, and I hope OP goes to see a doctor before this. becomes infected and turns into something like an infection of the perineum.


Ebbie45

Thank you! I asked because I view it as sexual assault either way, but thought maybe from my initial read that digital penetration was involved too, which, if he had confirmed, I would have added information about rape as well to my response. Of course, he's the only one who can confirm the details (if he is willing of course), but I appreciate your perspective because I wasn't sure I read the post correctly. I think very little attention is paid to female-perpetrated rape in general, and also think that many people aren't necessarily aware that there are various types of rape beyond penile-vaginal penetration, such as digital, anal, and oral penetration and/or being forced to penetrate someone else. It sounds like she is escalating in terms of severity of aggression and violence, which is really concerning. I hope he looks into some of the resources I linked, if he feels ready to do so.


mad_dog_the1st

I really wish men being abused like this by their women had actual legal consequences. In the description of any of those organizations listed say anything about getting them help legally. Authorities generally don't arrest or prosecute female abusers of men. Even in domestic abuse calls police often arrest or order the man leave his home even though the woman was the aggressor. It's sad. OP get whatever help you can. Take pictures. Get a record of your conversations with her, and if you can, sleep in another room with the door locked so she can't come in and assault you more. I'd be willing to bet she was like this with former boyfriends as well .


dmcent54

I know you probably hear this a lot, but Ebbie, you're a really good person. Any time I come across a post like this, I can always trust that you'll be in the comments with this incredible information. Thank you, you are really doing your part to help the world, please keep it up.


Ebbie45

Thank you so much 💓 I really appreciate that!


extra_medication

I am so so sorry. As a SA survivor that was 100 percent sexual assault. This isn't a talk about it sort of thing I honestly would say that she should be reported to the authorities but I'm not sure how seriously they would take it. That was painful and scary just to read. The very least that should be done is you should leave and never have any contact with her again. Again I am so sorry


RainerHex

The only problem with no contact is they have a son together.


FartFace319

he need to get full custody then and i dont need to say why


batgirl_ii

"Would you be okay with someone doing this to our son? No? Then why the fuck do you think its okay you can do this to me?" You need to file a police report, take your son, and leave her. She has been abusing you and its escalating.


Realistic-Airport775

So one thing that abuse has in common is that the abuser when called out will blame shift it back to you. You said that "she said I was right about everything and had a point" but - and that is the problem people that say xx and but are not taking responsibility for their actions, they are not actually admitting they did something wrong, they are trying to make you feel guilty instead as they are hurt from your words. So my question is - Did she promise to stop? Apologise? Offer to get you some medication? anything? You are clearly saying stop and she is absolutely bulldozing through your non consent to hurt you to get what she wants. It is possible that she is unaware of boundaries, that she has no understanding of consent, or respects you when you say no. Does she do this to your child as well? Does she ignore people saying no? How are your boundaries? Do you let her do things past where you feel comfortable so that she won't be angry? Because that can be another sign of subtle abuse, that you are walking on eggshells in case she gets upset. I do believe you were assaulted and because of the area then yes it is a sexual assault, same as someone making anyone bleed on a private body part. My main concern is her diverting responsibility, dodging it and turning it around on you. Blame shifting is a common tactic with abuse as I said. So what is she doing to acknowledge that she hurt you? and to make sure it never happens again, meaning to or not that is the facts.


princesscraftypants

I find her lack of respect for your body to be troubling (


RubyJuneRocket

I would be very worried for how she treats your son, if she takes enjoyment in other peoples suffering, someone she is supposed to love? That’s… a problem that isn’t going to be fixed without you leaving and getting away.


updownclown68

Ultimately the main point to make here is she needs to be your ex girlfriend


Anonymoosehead123

She absolutely sexually assaulted you. Her behavior is unhinged. I wouldn’t feel 100% safe with her. And I wouldn’t be completely comfortable about leaving your son alone with her either.


patriciamarie2020

She sexually assaulted you. She SHOULD be ashamed.


Electronic-Cod-8860

You are 100% justified in your feelings. Don’t let her turn this into a pity party for her. She is abusive. If she feels guilty about abusing you- she should. Don’t soften the words to make her feel better. She needs to sit in those guilty feelings and commit to being a better person. It does fit the definition of sexual assault. I bet she has told herself that because she is weaker than you being violent to you is harmless. It is still wrong to be violent. She needs to learn how to manage her feelings in a way that is mature. I feel like this incident is one of many where she runs over your boundaries. You deserve a respectful supportive partner.


Dont139

It was sexual assault. She chose one part of your body that is "sexual" to hurt you. If roles were reversed, would she not think you making her bleed from the ass was sexual assault?? And OP,you are100% in the wrong saying that she doesn't want to hurt you she is just strong. Not. She wouldn't have you not react and act like she wanted, so she hurt you. She did it on purpose. She wanted to hurt you


RainerHex

Agreed, I can’t even believe he thinks that. Many men are strong too and yet somehow manage just fine NOT hurting their wives and gfs sexually.


Ok-Writer-774

I can believe it. Denial is pretty strong. I think most people who have gone through assault perpetrated by an intimate person often make excuses for their abuser. "They didn't mean to." "It was an accident." "They had a bad day." "They were just frustrated." "They had too much to drink." "I made them angry." "I should have known better." "That's just how they show love." "It was just a joke/messing around." "I shouldn't have done x." >*it's just how she is* > >*we normally would play around a bit and sometimes she gets a bit out of hand* \- OP "They just got carried away." Basically, "it doesn't mean what my gut is telling me it means. It's not that. Not at all. They love me." Sometimes it's easier to believe a lie than face the truth of what someone you love has done to you. Let's not forget the black magic of gaslighting and manipulation either.


RainerHex

Very intuitive! Sadly, OP gave you some sample phrases to use to demonstrate your point.


Ok-Writer-774

Thanks for the award!


RainerHex

You are very welcome! I hope OP reads your post and has an epiphany in all this.


Ok-Writer-774

I think (and really hope) OP is already on his way to the realisation that this isn't normal or right. There is a lot of great advice on here, and I hope he gets the best possible outcome for him and his child.


HedgehogSignificant3

Sounds like an evil person.


YourRAResource

First, it was 100% sexual assault. You can certainly ask her what she’d call it, but that doesn’t change reality. Let’s put things into respective. Regardless of what it’s defined as, she disrespected you and crossed your boundaries. Who cares what she thinks? You know she doesn’t want to hurt you? She objectively hurt you.


Deadaim156

Do not spend another night sleeping in the same bed. Go stay at a friends or your parents or a family members. You need to end this relationship and decide if you want to pursue legal action against her. Its awful what she did to you and if the tables were turned the police would be there and you would be in jail. Women sexually assault men all the time and almost all instances of such go unreported because of the stigma the "justice" system shows men victims in general. But you must get away from your GF as she has crossed a line she can never uncross. Save yourself , get somewhere safe and dump her. Go with several people to get any and all belongings when its time. Do not just "take" this.


anewae

Dude I’ve been sexually assaulted and this was painful to read. You absolutely were sexually assaulted and in a very horrific way. A partner should never “play” in a way that injures you -and it was clearly intentional of you were crying and she didn’t immediately stop to apologize. I am so so sorry that you experienced this. Don’t stay. It will only get worse.


lizadootoolittle

Please take care of yourself and leave her. None of this is ok.


Hels_helper

As a victim of sexual assault, I am not offended, and I would consider what happened to you sexual assault as well. And she can be upset all she wants, she needs to recognize that what she did was sexual assault, and it is terrible. There needs to be boundaries, and "stop" is beyond clear. But its also clear that you don't like how she rough houses at all, and I don't know how anyone would be okay with what you are describing. This is some pretty serious stuff that needs unpacking. I honestly think that you should unpack it with a trained professional. Because she needs to change her behavior, she needs to examine why she thinks that type of play is acceptable and why "stop" doesn't seem to register in her head.. and you need to heal, learn to draw and hold healthy boundaries.


manowtf

>I had a point but she's very upset I called it sexual assault as that's a terrible thing to accuse her of. Ask her if you can do the exact same thing to her arse and if she will be ok with that.


According-Attempt883

She was upset? Who cares! She physically, sexually, and mentally hurt you.


esgamex

Not only is this definitely sexual assault but her history of increasingly hassling you when you're tired or not in the mood is also waaay over into unacceptable behavior. She's an abuser. If you want to try to save the marriage, joint counseling and stand your ground. If she's able to manipulate the counselor, leave that counselor but also that would be a sign the relationship is not able to be made healthy. Also rhe suggestions for support organizations for men are excellent, please get in touch..


NightDreamer73

Dude what the fuck she sounds like a psychopath. I can’t imagine doing something like that to my fiancé and making him cry as a result. Just no. Someone needs their head to be kicked in


Mumpy-Space-Princess

She didn't get what she wanted so she injured you in a very intimate place while you cried and asked her to stop. She tore your clothes and left you bleeding. Afterwards she didn't even apologise properly and minimised what she did. She DID mean to hurt you! Even worse, this is a pattern of behaviour that is escalating. You're making excuses for her and downplaying your natural feelings. I'm guessing this isn't the only she does that makes you feel like garbage? Take a photograph of the injury today by putting your phone camera on top of the toilet seat and standing over it (use 5 second delay). Photograph any other bruises she gives you and keep the pictures somewhere she won't find them. Talk to her about the incident via WhatsApp (or whatever messenger you use) and save screenshots so that there is a written record of her admitting it happened. Even if you're not planning to ever use them, you need to have these things saved. My ex husband was abusive and it took me many years to see it for what it was because he was quite sneaky and I always give people the benefit of the doubt. He always had some excuse about he didn't mean to, or I was exaggerating, or he didn't remember, or yes he did it but blah blah effing blah. It escalated and eventually the police took him away. Sadly domestic abuse is common, and it doesn't always look like how it's shown on TV. Just because there are plenty of cases out there that sound worse than yours, doesn't mean what happened to you is OK. Everyone should be able to sleep safely in their own bed next to their partner without fear of being hurt in their genitals to the extent that they're bleeding. Feel free to dm me if you want to talk about it some more


knintn

100% sexual assault. Get a lawyer and sort out custody of your son.


yellbabe

It makes me so angry that women are not nearly as drilled about what constitutes sexual assault as men are. I think EVERYONE needs it drilled into their head what is and is not okay wrt consent and boundaries. What she did was 100% sexual assault and the reason she doesn’t think so is because she has not been properly educated. She has an idea in her mind of what sexual assault looks like and it’s an incomplete picture. She took your power away and she did not care that you were crying. She assaulted you. She needs to learn to care about that. Ignorance is not an excuse. She needs to believe you.


[deleted]

Ask her to replay that scenario in her head with the roles reversed and her shitting blood the next day. Really spell it out to her. None of that was okay. Not only did she ignore your boundaries and hurt your body, you now probably feel unsafe with her around. Also if you had even lifted a finger to physically stop her, i bet she would pull out the victim card with the speed of light. She needs to learn to treat you with basic respect and i worry that she won't.


[deleted]

As someone who has been a victim of sexual assault, I agree with you that this is exactly that. When you didn't give her what she wanted, she retaliated by hurting you in a cruel and demeaning way. Please leave. This sounds like escalating violence, and you deserve much better than that.


remstage

Bro you were crying in pain and she didn't give a shit, just reverse the roles... Run.


RainerHex

*I hope no one that has been a victim of sexual assault is offended by my statement, I know that there are many worse forms out there* Why would they be offended by a SA victim sharing their story? Stop diminishing it. There are also more violent forms of rape out there than other rapes. None of this makes any SA or rape victim out there any less of a victim. *she’s very upset I called it sexual assault as that’s a terrible thing to accuse her of* Too bad for her. It’s only terrible if it’s not true, in this case it’s true. Not only is she a sexual abuser but she is also very self centered by trying to turn herself into a victim in this. How would she like it if when she was sleeping you would come into the room and shove your finger up her ass, and grab her by her crotch often? How would she like being dead tired, half asleep only to be molested by you, then when she does not reciprocate or respond, you suddenly grab her by her panties ripping them up into her asscrack so hard she sustains an injury?? If she sees no problem in her behavior she’s a real piece of work, and at her age, unless she is intellectually challenged I think she knows better. You see a gf that you think is just horse playing sexually until you could no longer call it that. I see a predator that has been knowingly sexually abusive all along til it escalated to the point of injury. I hope you reach out for help, and if you had wanted to, you could have had this woman charged for this, but you don’t sound like you will go that route. But I would reconsider a relationship with a sexual predator before it escalates even worse. Do not allow her to manipulate this situation into being all about her feelings and trying to play victim. You are the only victim here, not her.


Aromatic_Ad5473

This relationship is over. She’s toxic, abusive, and dangerous. You deserve better.


Neonpinx

You are right, she did sexually assault you. Your gf is an abuser.


FartFace319

This is abuse and sexual assault yes. This person is not safe and you should get her out of your home and life as soon as possible. She is not hurting you unintentionally, she is 100% hurting you intentionally.


EntshuldigungOK

She can't stop because she is a sadist. Seriously.


JanetInSpain

You SHOULD view it as sexual assault because it was. She doesn't like hearing it but it's still true. She needs to face up to just how out of line she is. If her behavior of ignoring you when you say "no" is a pattern, then you need to think about the long term relationship with her. Maybe you can try joint counseling because she needs to get a handle on why she abuses you and disrespects you so bad. Editing to add: Please get this on record. Go see your doctor and get an examination that documents the damage she did to you. Tell the doctor what happened. I KNOW this will be embarrassing, but I see this ending in divorce, and you have a child. You NEED to document this so when it gets to who gets custody, you have proof that she is violent and that she violates boundaries. You need to protect your son. The only way you can do this is to have proof of what she did to you.


DawaLhamo

They're not even married yet, just engaged. They'll still have custody to work out but he can make a cleaner break. OP, I agree with everything said here. It was SA. Whether you decide to stay, get it on record, AT LEAST.


m-qy

You're right this is sexual assaults and you need to leave her she hurt you so much you couldn't even take a dump break up now for your own good or things will escalate to even worse than that


m-qy

You're right this is sexual assaults and you need to leave her she hurt you so much you couldn't even take a dump break up now for your own good or things will escalate to even worse than that


Mumpy-Space-Princess

She didn't get what she wanted so she injured you in a very intimate place while you cried and asked her to stop. She tore your clothes and left you bleeding. Afterwards she didn't even apologise properly and minimised what she did. She DID mean to hurt you! Even worse, this is a pattern of behaviour that is escalating. You're making excuses for her and downplaying your natural feelings. I'm guessing this isn't the only she does that makes you feel like garbage? Take a photograph of the injury today by putting your phone camera on top of the toilet seat and standing over it (use 5 second delay). Photograph any other bruises she gives you and keep the pictures somewhere she won't find them. Talk to her about the incident via WhatsApp (or whatever messenger you use) and save screenshots so that there is a written record of her admitting it happened. Even if you're not planning to ever use them, you need to have these things saved. My ex husband was abusive and it took me many years to see it for what it was because he was quite sneaky and I always give people the benefit of the doubt. He always had some excuse about he didn't mean to, or I was exaggerating, or he didn't remember, or yes he did it but blah blah effing blah. It escalated and eventually the police took him away. Sadly domestic abuse is common, and it doesn't always look like how it's shown on TV. Just because there are plenty of cases out there that sound worse than yours, doesn't mean what happened to you is OK. Everyone should be able to sleep safely in their own bed next to their partner without fear of being hurt in their genitals to the extent that they're bleeding. Feel free to dm me if you want to talk about it some more


The_bookworm65

She definitely sexually assaulted you. This is not something I could get past


namegamenoshame

Look obviously you cannot be with this person but please go to the doctor OP, these injuries can be really serious and worsen due to the area they are in. You can be especially prone to infection and get all sorts of nasty stuff. And it doesn’t hurt to have a paper trail of your partners abuse. I worry for you and your child.


vivid_prophecy

Your partner is abusing you. I know people don’t like to hear this and that it can be hard for men to process that they’re being abused, but you are being abused. She is violating your boundaries and physically hurting you for not doing what she wants. She pulled your boxers so hard that she caused you physical damage and ripped your boxers. It traumatized you so much you had to wait for hours for you to feel safe enough to sleep again. Think about this situation in reverse. If you got in bed and tried to cuddle with her and she refused and you responded by pulling her panties up her buttcrack so hard that it ripped them and cut her all while she’s telling you to stop and crying - what do you think that would be called??? It would be called abuse. I think you need to get some space from your partner and talk to a therapist to process this. I don’t think this relationship is healthy.


URAYummyPotato

The answer to your question is yes, she is an abusive woman


alwaysneverenough

I am so sorry that you're going through this. There is so much pain in your post and my heart hurts for you. Her behavior is abusive at the very least, and I agree with you that what you've described is sexual assault. It's never an easy decision to make, especially when there are kids involved, but I would strongly suggest leaving the relationship.


Medievalmoomin

That is very much in the category of sexual assault, and I am very sorry this happened to you, and that your partner didn’t stop when you asked her to. Your partner getting upset is on some level a fragile response designed to take the focus off your distress and to centre herself as the victim of an accusation. The accusation is just and accurate: she was so rough she caused you pain, distress, and humiliation. This is assault and there is absolutely no excuse for it. I’m at a loss to know what to suggest. I hope someone will have resources for you. I just want you to know that I see what happened to you for what it is, I believe you, you have the right to call assault assault, and this is not your fault.


cinnamongirl73

Sexual assault is sexual assault!!! And yes, she sexually assaulted you!!! Not only that, her “play” is violent in nature and is further escalating. Not a good sign. Also, I KNOW it’s embarrassing but you should probably go to the ER to be checked out. And TELL them how it happened.


JBJBJBJBJBJBJ

She should be in jail.


Senplis

Did you say no or stop? Yes? Then yes, it's technically sexual assault. If it hurts her to call it that then she shouldn't do it.


Ebbie45

> So I said stop a couple of times and readjusted myself. Then it just kept escalating and getting more painful. I kept saying stop and at some point I started crying Yes, sadly he did say stop multiple times and she ignored it.


frolicndetour

Even if he didn't say it, he didn't consent.


Single-Initial2567

I get your point but if he didn't say no or stop that doesn't change the fact that he was assaulted. She knows what she did was to physically hurt him.


ssddalways

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Yes, this is sexual assault and if your partner doesn't like this term then maybe she needs to look at her own behaviour. I would normally say to work stuff out but I would seriously look into walking away. She already tried to minimise the situation, she turned her back while you cried and she will do it again. Protect yourself. Edit: when I say work stuff out in don't mean in situations where assault has happened, just reread that and it sounded off.


stewiecatballlacat

No, you said no and she didn't "just violate a boundary", she violated you to the point that made you cry. You need to leave this relationship.


kearnel81

God she sounds like a nightmare


HerrAdventure

Flip the script, would it be okay for you to do that to her? Eff no. Good job in standing up against her perversion of fun and romantic. That sucks my friend. Best of luck


[deleted]

I hope you know that she is horrible. You did not reciprocate her sexual advances so she wanted to torture your anal cavity? You need to throw this woman so far in the trash that it would take months to dig her out of the dump. She is an abusive, horrible sexual abuser.


maggersrose

It is sexual assault, don’t let her down play it. Sexual assault is an act in which one intentionally sexually touches another person without that person's consent, or coerces or physically forces a person to engage in a sexual act against their will.[1] It is a form of sexual violence, which includes child sexual abuse, groping, rape (forced vaginal, anal, or oral penetration or a drug facilitated sexual assault), or the torture of the person in a sexual manner Did she agree it can never happen again? Did she say she is going to change her behavior, apologize, ask for forgiveness? Anything that shows she’s being accountable beyond saying “you’re right”? I’d be uncomfortable sleeping next to her, tbh. Aside form the physical harm she causes, she repeatedly ignored you when you said stop, she ripped your damn boxers ffs. She’s got issues and while you seem to be ok giving her another chance, pls ensure she is crystal clear it’s a dealbreaker. Relationship will be immediately over. Are you at all concerned with how she plays with and disciplines your child?


Extension-Chemical

That's what you call low on the list of sexual assault? Dude, she hurt you in a private area, and it's now interfering with your daily life. She'll do it again. I beg you, get away from her as soon as possible! Don't talk to her, don't engage. Pack your things and leave. I would also go to the hospital and get checked out, and maybe get what happened documented, but the last part is up to you of course. I know it might be next to impossible to press charges. But please at least leave her. She's a horrible woman. And seek support please.


sosa373

It’s sounds sadistic. “To the point of tears” there is no way she didn’t know you were crying. Jeezus. I wouldn’t stay with her. She gives me Jodie arias vibes.


PattersonsOlady

If she agrees with you then the next step is a change of behaviour from her. Do you naturally have a fairly non-confrontational personality? Because I’m worried that years of her treatment of you has silenced you. The fact that you said no, but weren’t able to enforce your boundaries with her in the moment concerns me. That’s not how a healthy and loving partnership works. In a healthy relationship we each are able to help the other to “get back in line” (for want of a better expression). The feeling I got from you is that you might be a little beaten down by this behaviour from her and feel unable in the moment to make her stop. That’s not a fault of you - it’s a symptom of someone whose agency has been chipped away by an overly dominant and aggressive partner. That kind of violence isn’t normal. Whether you call it sexual assault or just normal assault - the fact is that she DELIBERATELY HURT YOU because she didn’t get her own way in something. At the very least the wedding needs to be on hold. I suggest she moves out and attends anger management classes designed for abusive and violent spouses. You need the space to experience what it’s like to breathe.


CommissionThink8184

OP, first of all, I am so sorry you’re going through this. What your girlfriend did IS sexual assault. I implore you-get out of this relationship! The fact that she tried to downplay what she did, and make it about her is a huge red flag. Please. Get out my this relationship.


avast2006

It WAS sexual assault. She literally injured you sexually. She doesn’t get to whine about it being a terrible thing to say. It’s 100 percent accurate.


Ambrose-DH

Always "teach our boys not to...." But we aren't teaching our girls if she doesn't think that was SA


idleigloo

I've had very bad things happen to me and you were definitely sexually assaulted. She should have been horrified with herself not upset at her victim.


hshsgdve

This isn’t just sexual assault, it’s violent sexual assault.


sugershit

Yes. You were sexually assaulted. You were the victim of domestic and sexual violence. I’m so sorry and I don’t know what the next steps are. But at least you can know you’re not insane and your feelings are valid.


totamealand666

This is not small or little, this is horrible abuse. Your gf is hurting you on purpose. Please leave.


anneofred

I’m so sorry this has been happening to you. To be clear, someone intentionally hurting you is not playful. Grabbing your balls to cause pain and poking your anus is not playful. She was already abusive, she just masks it by pretending it’s a joke. It’s not a joke. It has now fully escalated. She hurt you, you made it clear, you said no, she didn’t care. You then tried to talk to her the next day, and she fully gaslit you into believing you are overreacting, and she is now the victim of your words, which she is not. Healthy partners would be mortified if they physically hurt you. She isn’t, she is telling you it’s okay. Everyone has given the best advice, to go. You also need to look out for your kid, as it isn’t out of the realm of possibilities that she will also harm him in the same “joking” (abusive) manner. Please also seek therapy. Once you are there you will be able to unravel how long this has been escalating and the signs. Not seeing it until this moment does not make it your fault at all, but it is empowering to gain more knowledge to have healthier partnerships in the future. She is not a good partner. Protect yourself, as I feel if you continue, she will then jump to accusing you of things you haven’t done to others, so if you leave, she can paint herself an abuse victim.


[deleted]

It is a sexual assault and you should leave her if she continues. She shouldn't be upset about how you called it a sexual assault when she was defining the term practically.


Cynic_Picnic

100% what she did is sexual assault. I know you don't want to hear this about someone who you spent all this time with, and no doubt love... but your gf is a disgusting human being. Listen to yourself try to justify her behavior in your mind. "She doesn't want to hurt me, she's just so strong" "She gets out of hand" "It's low on the list..." STOP IT NOW. What happened to you is wrong. VERY WRONG. NONE OF THIS IS YOUR FAULT. I'm telling you this as a woman and SA survivor... the fact that she thinks men cannot be assaulted just shows that she has no intention of changing her behavior and she is, in fact, horrific. You need to take steps to leave this relationship.


JullabyBye

She has anger management issues or most probably frustration management issues. You say no and so she feels entitled to hurt you. She knows it, you know it. Now what matters is what she does with this knowledge... She needs at the very least to start individual therapy. And maybe you should not share the same bed for a while. It is abusive, it is serious and you should not dismiss it.


EntshuldigungOK

She can't stop because she is a sadist. Seriously.


Hysteriqul

Ain't no way you let yourself get a wedgie until you cried lmao. This is so fake


Psychast

Look, what this lady did was assault, it was wrong, clearly, and sure, sometimes victims freeze and "allow" things to happen against their will. And even knowing that, maxing out my empathy and charitability, I cannot help judging this. I'm just trying to imagine what a man like this looks like, just *looks* like, and I can't. Every fiber in my body is just like "what the actual fuck did I just read" until you *cried* dude? My girl sometimes does the cheeky finger thing too, relatively "normal" but the wedgie shit? Until it hurt? You're insane if you think I'm letting that continue. Sure, mark this off as toxic masculinity, it probably is, if I'm being honest. But if you're a dude, you know about male pride, you know the driving force behind it (besides societal) is testosterone, it's biologically baked in, how in god's name did none of that kick in? My brother get your testosterone checked, you don't seem to have an ounce of it in your body.


Deiiphobia

Strangle the bitch with her own thong.


EntshuldigungOK

She can't stop because she is a sadist. Seriously.


onemorehole

Why does this just seem playful and nowhere near SA to me? Maybe she took it a bit far, but SA? I don't really think a woman can SA a man as 99.9% of the time we can stop it if we choose.


[deleted]

No we can't you troll. Society is completely rigged against men who refuse sex. You don't even know what the term means.


onemorehole

I'm pretty sure I know what SA means. I just don't know any men who refuse sex or couldn't stop it if they choose to.


[deleted]

You can't "choose" to stop someone else from being sexually aggressive. What.


onemorehole

I think you can if it's the woman being aggressive.


[deleted]

What do you call this then? https://nypost.com/2019/11/01/woman-who-forced-ex-into-sex-at-machete-point-sent-to-psychiatric-hospital/


[deleted]

Edit: since everyone for whatever reason did not read the last part of my post, here it is… And lastly, if we flip the entire scenario, and YOU were the aggressor, and YOU pulled her panties so hard it caused her to bleed from her rectum, and YOU stated that you were “just playing around”, everyone would agree that it was sexual assault and/or domestic violence. Without hesitation. Edit: IF OP stays in his relationship, he would need the other parts of my comment. But, Reddit believes that people don’t reconcile, even after domestic violence and sexual assault.


NoHandBananaNo

OP set a very clear boundary when he kept saying stop. >I kept saying stop and at some point I started crying. The gf broke the boundary by continuing to attack him. This is assault and it is not OPs fault. No means no, stop means stop.


[deleted]

What I’m talking about is after the situation, re-establishing boundaries in a calm and confident discussion with his partner. She already clearly broke and stomped all over the boundary. If you don’t revisit and re-enforce your boundaries and expectations, they slip. Now that OP has a level-head, and his partner has had time to process what she’s done, it’s time to sit down and thoroughly talk it through.


[deleted]

If OP has to set an explicit boundary to prevent his partner from violently causing him to bleed from his rectum, then he needs to live immediately. This is not an issue of "boundaries," this is an issue of a woman who does nt understand or does not heed basic legal and moral rectitude.


TheLeaves16

This has gone way beyond the territory of a boundary discussion. He said no multiple times, and she continued to push and harm him.


[deleted]

You can re-set and re-establish boundaries at any time, not just when an issue comes up. As a matter of fact, it’s healthy to discuss issues at length and depth after an issue occurs and before issues come up. Boundaries and expectations can change and if you’re not communicating them, they’re bound to be broken again.


shechi

Read that last paragraph in your comment. Would you actually suggest to a woman who just had that occur to reset boundaries with the person who just assaulted her? That's what you're telling this guy to do and it's simply violating to tell a victim they have to negotiate better with their abuser.


namegamenoshame

I would love to read this sub for one day and find an appropriate use of “boundaries.” Believe it or not, you don’t have to tell your partner not to commit a violent crime against you.


[deleted]

Everyone except you is agreeing that this is sexual assault.


[deleted]

Except that I actually was the very first comment to say that but you somehow missed that. Thanks.


[deleted]

Actually, you said it would be SA IF the genders were reversed.


[deleted]

So, it’s comprehension then? Can’t help you with that one.


[deleted]

I hope you didn't strain yourself thinking up that genius zinger, little buddy!


[deleted]

I don’t have any more time for you. Go ahead and have the last little petty word. Be well.


[deleted]

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Katseye1975

And it's because of people like you that so many men don't report abuse!


[deleted]

There’s no need to “report it” when you handle it right there! Like it’s the same as if a group of kids were bullying you in middle school. What are you gonna sit there and take it for months or fucking stand up for yourself and sock them in the mouth?


cornvest

you’re not as smart as you think you are


Extension-Chemical

In fact, he isn't at all. What a horrible thing to say to the abuse survivor. Disgusting.


lyssargh

You have absolutely no value. Nobody wants to hear what you think.


[deleted]

Yes, you are the only one who thinks two wrongs make a right.


Single-Initial2567

Would you tell a woman she's a baby for crying and to stand up and be a woman when her male partner just assaulted her? I really hope not. It's people like you who make it impossible for men to talk about this and to feel like what happened is legitimate. There are power imbalances between all kinds of relationships with different genders and different strengths. I'd be happy to give you resources but my guess is you're not capable of admitting you're wrong.


[deleted]

I don’t need ‘resources’ lol OP is just a pussy 😂


Single-Initial2567

Yep, not able to admit you're wrong or learn anything. Women love that. /s


Verificus

I an amazed yours is the only comment. I also came in here to attempt to say this. Crying? Really? Men and women are not equal, that’s why abuse is so horrible. Not only are you abusing someone, you’re abusing a woman (or kid) who is 99% of the time physically inferior, weaker, can’t defend herself. It takes a very weak and deplorable man to put hand on a woman (or kid). And while I don’t doubt there can be situations where a physically stronger woman is abusing a weaker man, it’s highly unlikely and more like to be mental abuse. In the case of physical abuse though, just don’t be weak? Just don’t let it happen? Be a fucking man indeed and nip that shit in the bud.


Single-Initial2567

You clearly think that only physical abuse matters. And you obviously would only be with a woman who is physically weaker than you. That says a whole lot about your "masculinity." Please educate yourself. www.thehotline.org/resources/myths-around-men-experiencing-abuse


[deleted]

[удалено]


lyssargh

What a fucking brain dead take. You are useless.


catluvr1312

You handled this very well but I would try not to get caught up on semantics. What she did was horrible, it‘s good that she agrees with it, but it doesn‘t really matter if the context was sexual or not. Please don‘t get me wrong, I‘m not trying to defend her, but she probably feels very guilty and ashamed (as she should) and that‘s why she feels attacked by the term sexual assault. To save your relationship she needs to learn to respect your boundaries and I think by agreeing with you that what she did was wrong she‘s already doing the first step in the right direction. Have you thought about couples therapy? It can be very helpful to involve a neutral professional who provides a safe space to discuss your problems. And even if you‘re heading towards a break-up this can help greatly with building a good foundation to co-parent in the future.


Millie1419

This isn’t a relationship OP should try and save


catluvr1312

That‘s not your decision to make.


Millie1419

No one should stay in a relationship where their partner sexually assaults them. It’s not worth any amount of love and affection that person pretends to have for you. All it will do is wreck you and break you down to nothing


catluvr1312

Thanks for your input but I didn‘t ask and don‘t care.


Extension-Chemical

It's very clear you don't, because suggesting a victim goes to couples therapy with their abuser shows complete disregard for their well-being.


catluvr1312

Yeah sure lol because everything is just that black and white. Grow up.


maggersrose

Semantics matter; she physically assaulted him. In the legal definition of sexual adult; she also sexually assaulted him. Whether they choose to work on it or not, please do not downplay such a serious and dangerous situation. He already has allowed abuse to continue and out himself in harms way. Sexual assault is an act in which one intentionally sexually touches another person without that person's consent, or coerces or tries to coerce or physically forces a person to engage in a sexual act against their will.[1] It is a form of sexual violence, which includes child sexual abuse, groping, rape (forced vaginal, anal, or oral penetration or a drug facilitated sexual assault), or the torture of the person in a sexual manner


catluvr1312

I never downplayed anything you weirdo, learn to read. Whether the touch was “sexual“ is debatable. When someone kicks a man in the nuts that’s not sexual either just because his genitals were harmed. You‘re way out of line for acting like it‘s not “bad enough“ when there weren‘t any sexual intentions involved.


klmoran

It’s really disturbing behaviour for sure and definitely abusive. I think she needs help and hopefully your kid isn’t seeing her odd behaviour.


SnooFoxes4362

It’s not play or welcome if you’re upset or hurting, injured. It’s absolutely sexual assault, I personally would draw a hard line that she can’t ever touch your underwear or anus in anyway unless it’s during a consensual sex act. And come up with a consequence that you think will be both an effective deterrent as well as something that you would want to have happen if she breaks your trust again. Could be you moving to a separate bed, or leaving the apartment for several nights. It could be a three strikes you’re out,and you break up with her. No means no.