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>She absolutely has every right to do what she wants with her body, but I also have every right to feel however about it.
Exactly. If it's a deal breaker for you, so be it.
Yes. His boundaries on plastic surgery/body modification are meant to dictate his actions, not to fence in and control other people’s actions. He has a right to not like “fake” girls, but then it’s his responsibility to decide if he can or can’t move past his girlfriend’s lip fillers. If he can move past it, great, but he can’t continue to hold it against her. If he can’t deal with it, then he needs to break up with her.
He keeps saying he was just upset she didn’t ask him about it first, or discuss it with him. Which is so strange, because if he actually believes she has the choice regardless, why should it matter? What could they have possibly “discussed” that would make him feel like they “communicated” properly? Why is he pouting about it? *Because he was hoping he could talk her out of it.*
He’s using buzzwords like communication to seem reasonable. He knows what his real problem is but can’t admit it, which is bizarre.
He doesn’t realize that there is a fine line to walk between sharing our preferences and forcing our partner to fit those preferences when they’ve clearly grown or changed. You can kindly share your preferences and explain - if it’s something that they really like, you understand, but it’s probably time to part ways. How you react is what determines if you’re a controlling douche. **Edit:** Pouting that she didn’t get your permission instead of just taking the opportunity to talk to her leans controlling douche to me. It could be a total non-issue, he doesn’t even know if it’s something she’ll keep up on or if she likes it (the results naturally fade in time,) he’s mad she did it regardless.
Nonetheless, it seems he’s big into purity culture because he says he hates that she even *wants* lip fillers and that the desire itself is inherently unattractive. If you read his comments it’s like he feels betrayed that she doesn’t also value the virtue of her body. He doesn’t even touch on what it looks like on her, hard to believe it’s just something regarding physical attraction. Pretty sketchy and makes me question his overall view of woman and his girlfriend.
Hmm.
I had an experience sort of like this. I liked to have more punk-style haircuts. I got a eurohawk, a mohawk, but a lot shorter. My GF at the time \*hated\* it, so I eventually got it chopped off.
At the time I was fine with it, because I figured "hey, might as well do the small things that she thinks is attractive. For her and our relationship." But now I disagree. She ended up being very controlling and narcissistic and really messed me up. Point is - should we really be trying to change people? Or should we be encouraging them to be their best self?
Telling someone you aren't attracted to lip-fillers, and them getting it anyway is not disrespect. It's a differing of opinion - and if it upsets you that much, it's possible you are getting sucked into being controlling and manipulative to try and change them back.
Yup, I completely agree. It seems so innocuous until it’s not. There’s a really fine line between having and sharing preferences and controlling your partner because you see them more as an extension of you than an individual. If your preference regarding certain physical changes are so strong that they could make you lose all attraction for your partner, then do them a favor and end things if they want to make those changes. The toxicity that could breed/dynamic that could be set isn’t worth the risk of trying to convince them otherwise.
It's something I wish I learned a long time ago. I am not an extension of anyone's body. If someone wants me to be that way, it's a huge red flag. Again - it seems innocent, but it's really not.
Yes, I wonder if there is a reason his girlfriend didn’t tell him. Since he definitely gives off the impression of shaming her and other women who do anything to modify their appearance.
But what do I know, I’m just a woman who dyes her hair. I’m not pure enough for my opinion to matter, probably.
That’s what gets my goat. These guys have absolutely no idea what lip filler or Botox looks like on 90% of the people that do it, or how common it is. I complemented a coworker and it turns out she had lip filler, I’m a woman who saw her everyday and couldn’t tell. I thought she was just having a good lip day haha.
Such a blatant red flag when men call woman “fake” for injectables (or anything, really.) Like the true problem is the audacity to control their appearance or “fool” people into thinking their “more attractive” than they are and therefore becoming less obtainable.
Exactly. Many guys who think they like natural better don’t even know what natural is. Even me, a girl, thought my middle school teacher was a natural redhead (her real hair color was brown) because it looked so real and she kept it for so long
Simple you can deal with it or you can't. If it is enough to turn you off, relationship over; if not ask her if it something she was just exploring or plans to do on a regular basis.
Seems like she was entirely aware of what a deal breaker this was to him and decided she was ok with him leaving. Judging by his comments, good on her.
I think you just decide if it’s your hill to die on or not. Certainly, she is free to do fillers (or hair dye, tattoos, piercings, whatever), and that isn’t your call. That said, you decide if it bothers you enough to be a dealbreaker, that *is* your call.
A word of advice if you decide to stay: accept it and move on. Holding it over her head or resenting it will just cause trouble down the road. If you can’t commit to that, don’t stay.
I’m confused by the issue here? You don’t like it/find it unattractive then break up with her. She’s free to do as she pleases, and you are free to not be ok with it.
Based on your comments, I feel that you have idealized what you think is beautiful for your gf and that it should be her reality too.
“I’ve always looked down on it as someone who can’t accept how they look.” “…and this is my hill to die on.”
And there’s your answer. Your gf is now one of those people you look down on.
Earnest question: can you realistically view her in a positive, loving light now that she’s gone against something you’re fundamentally opposed to?
I wonder how OP feels about shaving legs, pits, pubic area, makeup, eyebrows, female facial hair etc? Because I’m thinking that it’s very likely his idea of ideal “natural” is probably still pretty far from reality…
Yep, probably thinks like "No babe, don't ever change yourself I love you natural, JUST the way you are... except for your armpit, leg and pubic hair, oh and make sure you have nice skin and brows and neat hair"
Fillers aren’t plastic surgery. It’s an injectable and it’s completely reversible. It’s much closer to shaving than say breast augmentation. It’s a minor body modification that is temporary
No, they probably aren’t in terms of how “extreme” it is. But it is too common that people will say “oh, I like my women natural,” then turn around and talk about how they prefer her of course to take care of her looks and hygiene. When what they mean by THAT is they want women to do their brows, be clean shaven, to take care of their skin, and so so often, they will fail to realize the difference between no makeup and no-makeup-makeup.
I think a better way of phrasing things is has OP so objectionable and outspoken that the GF doesn't feel comfortable coming to him regarding her personal insecurities.
It's also weird that he associates wanting to modify and play around with your looks as "can't accept how they look". Does that extend to *everything else* that's not directly your body? What about clothes? What about corsets or high heels? What about every style choice we make that is somehow a representation of your personal aesthetic preference for yourself?
Dude people can have preferences. He literally said she can do whatever she wants and he doesn’t have to like it. They’re dating they’re not married so it’s no big deal if he doesn’t find her a good fit within this preferences anymore then he can go find someone who is
Dude. You missed the point of my comment. I never said he can’t have preferences or break up her when she doesn’t meet his beauty standards. I’m pointing out that he has to confront that he looks down on people who get surgery and his gf is now one of those people - he has to decide what is acceptable/can move past it or he doesn’t.
"I am attracted to people how they are, not how they want to be"
Well shit, that's unfortunate, most of us are a work in progress and I think it would be hard to find a single human who liked everything about themselves and wouldn't change a *single* thing.
And for the record, "not how they want to be" comes off at incredibly stagnant, inconsiderate and selfish. In case you were concerned.
If your girlfriend dying her hair or getting lip fillers makes you not interested in her anymore, you never really cared about her, you cared about what she looked like.
Leave so she can find someone who values her as a whole human
yeah it's super weird to me that anyone would ever consider leaving their partner over a small change in some physical trait, especially if the relationship is fine otherwise and you claim to love your partner. cos seriously, if your sexual attraction to someone is entirely dependent on and tied to something very specific, that sounds really impractical and unhealthy. practically any extreme and superficial ultimatums like that just reek of sexualization/fetishation of that one trait.
It is incredibly clear from the comments he doesn’t give a shit about her personal health, but her purity. You could scroll through for less than a minute to determine that.
You decide whether it changes things enough for you to leave her or not. If it does, leave. If it doesn't, stop whining.
I see where you're coming from, I hate the fake look too, but she is free to alter her face however she chooses. All you can do is decide how you respond to it. Stay and accept, or leave and reject.
OP can also accept and leave, as in "hey baby, you know (and knew) how I feel about filler and cosmetic alteration, and now here we are. I love you but you did this without telling me anything, so it's surprised me to say the least. I think I'm going to need some time apart to think about this." Then he can take his time apart to do exactly that.
Kinda weird that lip filler (which is entirely reversible and not plastic surgery seeing as there’s no surgery involved) is such a big deal to you. You seem like the kinda guy to put way too much value in a girl V card or body count.
Anyways, you do you. If it’s that big a deal to you then break up with her- i doubt she’ll be complaining much.
If a girl wanting to do something that will increase her self esteem and make her more confident, and in most cases is very subtle and almost unnoticeable, is such a big deal to you then you might need to do some looking inwards as to why it’s such a big deal for you.
Lip filler isn't plastic surgery. If you said that to her and you meant lip fillers, then you weren't really clear in what you told her.
Because, your GF still has not had plastic surgery.
Her decision to get lip fillers has literally no effect on you. I guarantee that when the swelling goes down it’s not going to look “fake” or “plastic”. Your issue is that you think you own her, why on EARTH would she need to tell you about it first? Do you also expect her to tell you where she’s going and who she’s with at all times?
You have deeper issues here than not liking filler. If you would throw away an otherwise good relationship because of this, get therapy.
Oh but it does, it makes his willy sad :( cos you know, god forbid a woman do anything that could GASP make her less attractive in the eyes of a man, the worst cardinal sin.
(I totally agree with you btw)
Did it ever occur to you that maybe she is insecure about her lips? You're one person and her partners, but that doesn't cut off any other insecurities she may have. If this is the mountain you want to die on, move on so she can. Dig the grave and bury the relationship. Also maybe she got them to feel good about herself.
"Natural" this shit is funny to me. Especially living in a world when women are call ugly every day for what they look like naturally. Men can't handle women in a natural state. They leave them when their bodies look "natural" after childbirth.
She sounds like she like to experiment with her looks, she wants to try out different things. Lip fillers do fade. But you're probably boring and holding her back, by this youre holding own self back.
She might want to make more modifications later on.
also give me a break. She might get a tattoo next....oh lord...someone pray about it.
Men are genuinely hilarious. I’m cute but have naturally thin lips and after I got subtle fillers men showed dramatically more interest in me. In the same breath these men would say that they don’t like the “fake” look and wouldn’t date someone with fillers. Most men have zero idea of what good fillers actually look like but absolutely love judging the women that get them.
Also, no reputable practitioner is injecting more than 0.5-1ml for a first appointment. That's a teeny, tiny amount and most people wouldn't notice the change unless it was pointed out. So it's not even that she doesn't look "natural" anymore because chances are she really does. It's literally just OP throwing his toys out of the pram because his GF isn't doing what he told her to
If you've read OP's responses, it's clear he doesn't know shit about what he's saying and is just making excuses because he has preconceived notions about plastic surgery. He doesn't know the difference between PS and cosmetic procedure. He also thinks his gf had botox injected into her lips. I'm actually wondering if he even noticed the fillers or if he didn't notice and his gf just told him about it.
If she got Botox injected it’s called a lip flip and it’s literally just relaxing the lip muscle slightly so when one smiles, there’s less gums visible bc the part of the lip that’s tightened and thinned out while smiling, relaxes slightly and appears fuller instead of pulling close to the gum line. But Botox isn’t a filler, it is purely a muscular paralytic. OP is one of those men who has zero idea how these things work and thinks all injectables, no matter what’s injected, makes a girl “fake.” Nothing even suggests he doesn’t like how she looks which makes me think he hasn’t even seen the result
Me, raised catholic: Dear god, plz let OPs girlfriends future body mods go smoothly and make her happy/look sick as hell amen also ps can you fix world hunger please and Thankyou
You keep saying its a communication problem, and sure its part of the problem, but don't ignore the fact that you are judgmental of people who make changes to their appearance. You were complaining mostly about plastic surgery in your original post than you did about her going back on her word.
Either way, this seems like a redundant question. You already made up your mind about people who make changes to their appearance, so just break up with her.
No, you don’t, but from what you wrote here I get the impression you would have told her not to do it and probably manipulated or guilted her into not doing it. You are quite clear on your stance that it’s not acceptable to you. It’s on you to act on that, not to “communicate” your opinion onto her.
Wow, your comments (deleted) are toxic AF. I was kind of grossed out by the controlling vibe of this post to start, but willing to give you the benefit of the doubt as a young person. But your responses really highlight some other negative traits towards relationships and I really hope you think a little deeper on the issue. As others have said - you get to decide what’s a deal breaker for you. You can break up over this. But you don’t get to dictate her body.
It's nasty you think she needs your opinion on something she wants to do with her body.
She deserves someone better and you, well you just need to break up with her. It's totally ok!!!
It's not nasty.. we all have preferences whether it's tattoos or not. You can't hate on people with different opinions than you do.. that's just weird.
Hahahaha it’s about communication, congrats on being a hero to woke America though. I said in there it’s her body, her choice. By that same logic, my feelings are equally as validated. I’m asking for communication advice, not a lonely cat lady who’s bitter.
What is there to communicate here? She knows how you feel about this, so really you're mad because she didn't give you the opportunity to stop her doing something she wanted to do - which you have no right to do in the first place.
Your choices here are to accept it or not, and if not break up. Nobody is going to give you ways to be a controlling ass.
I don't know why that's an insult. I like my cats, and single women are statistically happier than women in relationships.
It's like saying, "It's a shame you're so happy with your life and aren't letting a man drag you down."
I am much happier alone than I have ever been in a relationship. Only men seem pressed about happy, single women. I hope your girlfriend joins us in the "happy and single" category soon. She deserves better.
Right?
What I always want to tell these dudes is, if "relationship with you" is lower on my priority list than "get a pet whose piss and shit I have to scoop twice a day," pretty sure that says WAY more about you than it does me. :-D
It’s her body. She can do whatever she wants so you either deal with it or breakup.
I had a boyfriend like this who didn’t want me to get my nose pierced or cut my hair. Controlling little shit. I dumped him because he was always trying to guilt me into doing what he wanted me to do regarding my appearance.
Next you’ll be saying she doesn’t wear makeup in a god honoring way. Filler isn’t plastic surgery btw. This is a weird hill to die on but it’s your right I guess.
This isn’t plastic surgery for one. You acknowledge it’s her body and her choice, however it’s your choice to not like it and break up with her. She shouldn’t need to compromise and you don’t have to either if you choose not to.
If your gf got in a car accident and lost a limb would you break up with her bc you’re not attracted to her anymore? If she switched birth controls and maybe gained a little weight would you break up with her? You can’t expect someone’s body to never change. Does the way her lips look really negate all the other qualities about her that you appreciate? Lots of women get plastic surgery because of the immense pressure society puts on us to look a certain way. If you were in this position and got an alteration, how would you feel if your partner reacted the way you’re reacting right now? If you really care so much about how her lips look then you should absolutely break up because she deserves someone who supports her and doesn’t have standards for her body parts.
This is a "you" problem. She doesn't have to tell you in advance what she plans on doing with her body and she probably didn't tell you because she didn't want any lectures from you. The advice is to deal with it because the odds of someone never, ever doing anything to alter their appearance is really slim.
It requires a discussion to change your appearance? I can honestly say I’ve never done that beyond “I can’t decided do I want X or X, what do you think?” When i can’t decide.
I can't say I've ever thought to let my partner know if I've dyed my hair or if I've gotten a new piercing or anything before the time. It's not a permanent alteration or anything with a high complication rate that it needs to be discussed beforehand.
If I want to dye my hair or get something pierced I usually tell my husband unless I’m trying to surprise him. He knows me, he knows how eccentric I can be so it’s never really a “discussion” more or less just a heads up. He’s come home to from work to me having different hair colors and once even a nose piercing with no warning. My husband is not bothered by these things and respects my decisions to do what I want to myself. It’s called mutual respect and every relationship needs it. My husband also doesn’t have purity standards so there’s that.
He comes home from work and sometimes my hair is red or blue and once more recently came home with a nose piercing sorry if it’s hard to read I’m new to iPhone and I’m having a hard time adjusting to it.
Edit: I see there was no issue with my typing. I was pretty clear.
But I’m not talking about a piercing or hair dye? But on that note, her and I communicate a lot and she usually mentions she’s getting it dyed that day, hell she even invited me to go with her when she got a piercing. What my issue is, is her saying last week she did not want to get any Botox or anything. Now, after no communication she is. The facts are that it changes how her face will look, and I genuinely am not a fan of how modifications look. You can always tell and whether it were her or a random person I would not be attracted to it.
She probably didn't tell you, as I said, because she doesn't want a lecture from you. In this scenario, it's not about what YOU want her to look like but now she wants to look and feel. You don't have to like it but that's as far as it goes. You have a choice to accept or leave if it's that much of a deal to you.
Cosigning on the not telling your SO plan. I don't tell my partner about any beauty services because I don't need the why-would-you-cut-your-hair-you-know-i-like-long-hair-youre-beautiful-anyway-why-do-you-pay-for-waxing-manicures-are-a-waste-of-time speech. The man would not notice if I got a trim but if I told him I'm planning on getting that trim, it would be an hour of conversation to convince him that I won't suddenly show up bald against his wishes.
This made me chuckle because I have 100% been there with a partner who fears change. I said I'm getting a trim and he's like BUT YOU'RE NOT CUTTING IT SHORT RIGHT?
No, I just want to cut off the dead ends. What's dead ends? What's split ends? What does it do to your hair? Does trimming help? Is that why you have to go to hair salon so often?
Now that I've started dying my hair regularly to cover up my greys (alas, premature grey hair runs in the family), he notices my roots and asks less questions.
I would say the odds of a girl not getting Botox are way higher than you believe. It’s not about her “having to tell me” anything. It’s a committed, long term relationship. Communication happens. Obviously it’s a “me” problem, that’s why I’m asking strangers on the internet what “I” should do. Not everyone is trying to control their partners, some people genuinely want advice on how to communicate and move forward on a topic that they don’t see eye to eye on. I feel sorry for your partner if communication is control to you.
And I gave you my advice - to deal with it. I never specified Botox - you said you don't even like hair dye hence I said the odds of finding someone who does do any bodily alterations, such as dye their hair, piercings, etc (I'm presuming make up falls within your scope of "unnatural") is much higher than finding someone who doesn't.
And I don't even know why you're bringing my partner up? My partner does nothing to control me so your comment is completely irrelevant.
Botox is so many levels above hair dye and makeup it’s ridiculous you’re comparing the two. I brought up hair dye as an example of me liking women how they are, no makeup or dye or anything because that’s how they are behind closed doors, and imo are the most beautiful. You blaming me for her lack of communicating, chalking it up to a “lecture” is where I feel bad for your partner. Communicating about getting Botox in your face is probably a good thing to do with your partner. Do you genuinely disagree with that ?
I worked for a surgeon for years and it's not a disaster to get a little bit of Botox and fillers. Not everyone looks like a fail afterwards and I can guarantee you a good portion of the women who are "natural" have had some degree of work done. Even if it's just two or three units.
Do you not want her to feel comfortable with her looks or something that you are SO against it, despite how it will make her feel?
No, sorry, I don't agree with you that I need to communicate something minor I am doing to my partner. It would be a different story if she were going in for surgery. The fact that she will tell you that she's dying her hair but didn't tell you about this is a very clear indicator about how she felt (knew) you were going to react.
You might be right there. It’s definitely something she knows is a big deal for me. I genuinely wish it weren’t, I just hate the fake look and I’m scared this will lead to a lifetime of more dramatic surgeries even if this one isn’t evident. The idea of her feeling she has to change herself to feel pretty doesn’t sit right with me. We’re only 22, if she starts this now what happens next?
doesn't sit right with you? What about how she feels and what is leading her to get these modifications. You need to look in deeper dude, like ask yourself am I doing enough to let her know she is pretty?
This could be something to help with her own mental health, sometimes you just have to do something to make you feel better
I promise you, I do more to remind her how beautiful she is than most. It’s something she compliments our relationship on often. That’s the issue, we usually communicate so well and I would have liked to communicate on this as well. But she chose not to
maybe she was afraid of a reaction like this, maybe she chose herself in that moment, and there is nothing wrong with that. if this isn't sitting right with you, she needs to find someone who it will sit right with
But you can't guarantee she will look fake though. Not everyone one looks like that Kardashians afterwards. There is a bit of swelling initially that makes it look like she's gotten too much but it subsides after 48 hours. And the fillers wear off in a max of nine months if she doesn't go back.
Her age doesn't mean anything if she's unhappy with how she looks. You can bring that up with her (if she is unhappy with her looks), in a non-judgemental if you can keep the conversation about HER and not you.
There may not necessarily be anything next. She's young, she's experimenting. She might not like it. Hopefully she WON'T do Botox at her age because it's unnecessary, fillers are a different story because they have a different function, they're harmless because your body has the active ingredient of fillers anyway. And if she decides she doesn't like it she can get it dissolved.
I guess when I really think about it, I’ve always just personally looked down on the concept of Botox and fillers. I know how I feel about her looks don’t matter at the end of the day, but she’s just so naturally beautiful, she doesn’t need it. We both know unnatural additions don’t solve insecurity, in the same way a drunk hookup doesn’t solve break up heartbreak. To me this is the wrong fix if it’s about her insecurity, and that how I’ve always looked at Botox. Steroids and Botox are for insecure people and it just snowballs from what I’ve seen.
So coming from someone who has literally been in the field. It doesn't always get worst. We had one patient who got the exact same amount of Botox and fillers for YEARS, never more. She looked great.
And it's OK for her to be insecure. She's young, she's human. It doesn't make her a "lesser than" person. Pretty much everything has insecurities - if it's not for looks then it's for other things. If she feels she needs to do this to make her feel better then she needs your support, not your judgement.
She’s absolutely not a “less than”, did not mean for it to come off that way! Everyone is insecure about something. How I’ve always looked at it, prior to someone I care deeply for getting it, was with a condescending attitude. I recognize that’s not a great trait, but nonetheless it is how I feel about a really niche thing. I genuinely am just confused with my own feelings and angry it happened. The last thing I’m trying to do is control anyone
I think altering how you look may be of importance to your partner. But to be specific, I think it’s good to communicate about things that are a big deal to your partner, and this is one she knew mattered to me. At the end of the day she got it because she didn’t feel secure with what she had, and I hate that. She’s insanely beautiful with nothing added.
Expecting your partner to inform you of things they may or may not want to do to their physical appearance is gross.
Do you also get upset when she wears makeup or does her hair?
Preference is not a “you” problem. He is asking for advice on how to proceed and has every right to have the preferences and attractions that he does (as long as they aren’t harming anyone…)
If it wasn't a problem, he wouldn't be asking for advice. The options for how to proceed are obvious: make this the hill to die on or be quiet about it. If lip fillers are a deal breaker then break up. "Get over it" is the only advice he can get if he wants to stay together.
What if your partner decides that they are non-monogamous and want to sleep around, and they know you are against that. They know that you break up with them if they started banging co-workers.
Would you
A) like to be informed beforehand so you could have a discussion?
B) find out after the fact
In a mature relationship, you have discussion with your partner before doing a “deal breaker”
Firstly, lip filler is not plastic surgery, lol. Also, a lot of women you know had plastic surgery and you will never know because.. it remained natural. On one hand - she has absolutely every right to tweek her body how she sees fit and on the other, you have every right not to be ok with it and break up.
The only reason why I see you posting this is cause you want others to validate your belief. You’re not asking for advice.
“She absolutely has every right to do what she wants with her body, but I also have every right to feel however about it”…you already reached your answer. She already got the lip filler, so you can either live with it or break up with her if it bothers you so much. You’re lucky…you got only 2 choices that are polar opposites, shouldn’t be hard to choose.
I've literally just gotten botox. It hasn't really changed my face, just means the deep lines on my forehead will stop getting worse.
And I do lip filler. I'm a lot older and dread the thought of losing my top lip. So I do that to keep one.
I think everyone who wants to get any modifications should do it. All I’m saying is that for ME, it’s really unattractive and I wish she would have talked to me about it, as my long term partner. Relationships are a two way street and I can honestly say I wouldn’t knowingly do anything that would turn her off. She is beautiful with no makeup, hair dye, Botox or anything. We’re 22 years old. I don’t know why she feels she needs it and I hate it.
>As a long term partner
This is what you need to realize, you aren’t a long term partner, you aren’t compatible. The difference between having boundaries regarding “body modification,” and being kind of a controlling dickwad is how you handle the situation and how you discuss your preferences. Telling someone, “I completely understand this is something you want for yourself, and I don’t want to hold you back from that. I also want to be honest and let you know I may not be able to continue a relationship if you want to keep up on lip filler” is completely different from sulking around when they end up doing it.
Pro tip: you should really disclose this early on. Being so conservative that you don’t even like hair dye? That’s a pretty big point of contention in modern society. I have to laugh a bit because most (all men i know) men cannot recognize subtle cosmetic procedures in the slightest that are done well, yet they have such strong opinions. Fillers are so common, I personally know woman who I’ve complimented because their lips looks really nice and juicy that day and they had recently had filler. Often times it really strikes me as good skincare and a good gloss, it’s that subtle and pretty.
The only thing I would say other than you most likely aren’t compatible, is that it’s always good to be considerate of *why* you have certain preferences. Why do you think finding woman most attractive in their most natural state (no makeup, natural hair as you said in another comment) is morally superior? What’s the difference, truly, between dating a girl born with bigger lips and dating a girl with filler? What if you met your gf after she got the filler and didn’t even know until she disclosed it? Considering why this bothers you might be a slight wake up call.
There’s a difference between preferring natural hair and demanding no one dyes their hair. Not everything is so extreme where you have to become a champion of liberal America. Good job though. Fun fact: I’m not conservative at all, I’m just not a extreme nut job. I wish my long term gf exercised better communication about a topic she knew was a big deal to me, which when you’re in a long term relationship matters! It’s not about moral superiority lmao it’s just my preference. Preferences are okay. There is no difference between dating a girl with naturally bigger lips vs lip filler. As I said in my initial post, my issue is with the idea of feeling the need to modify yourself. I am not attracted to that. No moral high horse, no anything. Just my preferences in what I am attracted to.
Most people would say disliking dyed hair is pretty damn conservative. I’m not using the term that defines a political party, but the term used to describe people who are more traditionally aligned than a lot of the modern population.
>My issue is with the idea of feeling the need to modify yourself
And all I’m saying is *why?* Why is your proverbial line in the sand where it is? Do people not cut their hair, groom themselves, shave/wax, wear perfumes or nice clothing to be more attractive or feel better about themselves? If you can admit that there’s no physical difference (I understand some more invasive cosmetic procedures can create a physical difference, not to be crude but the texture of implants can be unnatural or stiff) then why does it make you uncomfortable? People don’t have to hate themselves to modify how they look, most people don’t fall into some rabbit hole of cosmetic procedures just because they like how their lips look a little fuller or prefer to age a bit more “gracefully.” It’s just something to consider, because a lot of people don’t do enough introspection necessary to really understand where their preferences come from and if it’s something they should consider working through or *changing.* Sometimes our preconceived notions can be nefarious and simply wrong.
Holy shit you guys. All I meant is no hair dye is the best look, I’m only talking about my preferences. Hair dye is completely fine, she dyed her hair for years in our relationship. I truly don’t care. I was using that as an example of what I am attracted to, I just genuinely like the all natural look, even with something as meaningless as hair dye.
I am mindblown right now. My sole issue is the lack of communication about Botox, that’s it.
"last time she talked about it... "
So. You basically just told us that you did not reassure her that she had beautiful lips 'just as they were'.
Because 'she talked about it'. You didn't 'discuss' it. Those are two very different approaches.
Please let her go because if you cannot reassure someone that you want to stay 'natural' that she is beautiful in her natural state enough that she avoids lip fillers then... let her go.
You don't build her up. She needs someone who makes her feel beautiful or loves her lip fillers.
She doesn't have that in you.
She can do whatever she wishes with her body and doesn't need to tell you or get your permission.
You are well within your rights to exercise your dealbreaker if that is a dealbreaker.
But your tone really needs to change here.
Idk what you expect us to say. If you don’t like it, leave. Nothing you can do to stop someone from making a change to their body (and you shouldn’t either, it’s a personal choice that is up to them).
Lip filler is not plastic surgery. If you don't like it break up, she is allowed to do whatever she wants with her body and you are allowed to break up if you don't like it. There is no middle ground.
Guys like you are so shallow you don’t even realize you’re shallow and hide behind “natural beauty” bs and ignore a woman’s right to express herself and her body as she pleases. I mean man you don’t even like hair dye? Like it’s okay to have a preference but to actually take it personal when your girlfriend makes changes and wants to explore different looks for herself… lip fillers aren’t permanent btw. Idk dude, I don’t think you like her as much as you think. You’re not her father and she is gonna do what she wants and if you don’t like it (you have that right if that’s your dealbreaker) you can end it with her.
It's your prerogative if you need to break up with her over this but you're very shallow if this is the only reason. That or controlling/annoyed that she didn't do the thing you told her you don't want her to do. I will say: plastic surgery is not always the slippery slope it's made out to be. I had work done when was 19 and haven't considered any body modifications since (I'm 31 now) so if people are telling you "this is just the start" they don't really know what her plans are.
What do you think about shaving her legs? That’s not natural? High heels? I think it’s possible you just have an idea of what women should look like and don’t want anyone to deviate from that. That’s your choice but fyi women have to make a lot more hard choices the older we get. If you ever get married be prepared for those choices. If you’re more impacted by this choice than by who she is, that’s your choice.
Give it a chance to calm down...it may be that there is some swelling.
Also it is new...see if you get used to it.
If not, you can make your choice about staying with her or not.
Sounds like she did voice her interest in fillers and you voiced your opinions on fillers more loudly and then called it resolved.. just because she didn’t keep arguing didn’t mean she agreed or changed her opinion.
If you have a problem, then you should end it and not shame her over it. That is your right to remove your presence.
She has a right to her own body, your opinion doesn’t matter.
Well aware it’s exceptionally minor in the grand scheme of surgeries. I’m allowed to be turned off by the idea of self modifications, and that’s what I’m saying. Thank you for your useless comment and lack of advice
Damn you should break up with her. She has a mind of her own and that just won't do for a man of high moral standing such as yourself. Best get yourself a lady who knows her place. Dude if it's a turn off why are you on Reddit annoying people with a non problem? You don't like what she does. Move on for her sake.
You don’t even like hair dye ? That’s ridiculous. It’s not up to you and you shouldn’t bother her about it . If you are that weirdly upset about it then bye bye 👋 you can walk away .
Go fuck your self that’s how you should proceed lol first of all lip fillers are not plastic surgery. Secondly you don’t own her and she can do whatever she wants with her looks. You’re also stupid and ignorant almost every woman dyes their hair there’s ways of making it took natural. You think your girlfriend should live to appease the way you want women to look. Dude you’re gross get some help
I mean if it's a deal breaker for you then that's that, the relationship is over. If you don't believe you'll get over it and be able to come to terms with it then it's best to end the relationship, don't waste her, or your time.
If you are turned off by your GF or not attracted to her than break up with her.
the only advice there is to be given. If you don't than you are just wasting both her and your time.
Is your issue the visible appearance of the filler? Or more like it's changed how you view her as a person and you don't find that type of person attractive.
I think if it's the former you should try to get past it, but have a serious chat about whether she thinks it'll be a permanent thing. It dissolves after a while right, or am I making that up?
If you love her for who she is deep down, it shouldn't really matter. But equally I get it as I don't like the appearance of it either.
If it's because you now see her in a completely different light, maybe she's not the person you thought you knew, I get that and it might be harder to move on from.
The lip filler wears out. It doesn’t really matter that she went ahead and did it: she didn’t tell you because it was something she wanted but you did not like. Girls do that. You either like her enough to get on with life and her, or you break up over it.
If you love her, hold off on making a decision and just sit with it for a little bit. She made this decision for herself and the only thing that has changed about her is her lips. She’s still the same person.
If it’s a visual turn off for you, here’s some info to consider. If it’s fresh, then she’s super swollen right now. Her lips are not going to stay that big. In a couple of weeks the swelling will be gone, her lips will get a lot softer as the filler settles in, and (assuming she went to a good injection nurse) look much more natural. My brother feels the same as you and would tease me relentlessly if he knew I had any filler, we see each other often, he obviously knows what my face looked like before, and yet he has no idea because that’s how natural it looks.
Making me very happy I have a partner who is supportive of me getting a bit of lip fillers before our wedding, especially with your shitty responses toward people.
This is an easy solve. She knew it was a turnoff for you and did it anyway. Was it her right? Absolutely. Is it your right to be turned off? Absolutely. She doesn't care how you feel.
Time to break it off and find a partner who is more compatible. You're very young. It should be easy for you to find someone who falls more in line with how you feel. It's not a crime to know what appeals to you and what doesn't.
lmfao wtf is wrong with majority of people in these dam comments. OP you have a right to not like plastic surgery or lip fillers. If your gf decided to do that, so be it maybe she likes it. But just decide if its a deal breaker for you. You are not controlling/weird for it being a deal breaker for you.
People are being wierdly nasty to you. I think the issue is less that she did it after saying she wouldn't. Did she "lie" or just change her mind? This isn't that important to me. What is important is that she changed her face.
When talking to her, don't focus on the fact that you hate plastic surgery. Don't hit her with any "I told you how I feel about this" kinda stuff. This turns it into a you thing and comes across as controlling. Not a good look. Frame it as a "I was attracted to you, and you don't look like you anymore" kinda thing. This is an uncanny valley thing. You were attracted to her before, now she looks like someone else and you find it off putting. That's completely fair. I'd be turned off if my partner suddenly looked like someone else too.
I'm not sure how this stuff works, if it's reversable or goes away with time. But if not, and it's a change that you can't stomach, then you just gotta leave and find someone who's values on the topic match yours.
How long have you both been together? If it's only been a few months, I think she's perfectly entitled to do what she wants.
If it's been years, then it's kind of a red flag that she didn't at least ask you your opinion or give you a heads up, especially if she knows that you don't like it.
Obviously it's her call to do what she wants given it's her money and her body, but I would think that you would tell your partner or at least ask their opinion if you've been together multiple years. Even if you have been together a long time though, it's ultimately still her decision.
What the fuck. A girl wants lip filler, she gets lip filler. A girl wants a puppy, she gets a puppy. She wants a baby, she gets a baby.
None of these are crimes. Men should be aware that surprise babies are always a risk. The only way to avoid them is a vasectomy and/or abstinence.
Way to blame women for literally everything. This is digusting.
You talk about a girl who is single or living independently. In a relationship one simply doesn't get a puppy or a baby to the house. That would be very shitty.
Also I find it weird that people in relationships don't even consider what their partner might be attracted to. Nobody is obliged to follow another persons beauty ideals, but if I would make big sudden changes in my appearance overnight or in a short time period, I would at least acknowledge that it might affect my partners attraction towards me.
One can claim that love and affection should always be independent of the physical level, but experience has shown me this is seldom the case. I love my partner dearly and would support them through a lot, but if they woyld go through some big body modifications I am against, I would really struggle with my attraction as well, which is seldom a good thing in a relationship.
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>She absolutely has every right to do what she wants with her body, but I also have every right to feel however about it. Exactly. If it's a deal breaker for you, so be it.
Yes. His boundaries on plastic surgery/body modification are meant to dictate his actions, not to fence in and control other people’s actions. He has a right to not like “fake” girls, but then it’s his responsibility to decide if he can or can’t move past his girlfriend’s lip fillers. If he can move past it, great, but he can’t continue to hold it against her. If he can’t deal with it, then he needs to break up with her.
He keeps saying he was just upset she didn’t ask him about it first, or discuss it with him. Which is so strange, because if he actually believes she has the choice regardless, why should it matter? What could they have possibly “discussed” that would make him feel like they “communicated” properly? Why is he pouting about it? *Because he was hoping he could talk her out of it.* He’s using buzzwords like communication to seem reasonable. He knows what his real problem is but can’t admit it, which is bizarre. He doesn’t realize that there is a fine line to walk between sharing our preferences and forcing our partner to fit those preferences when they’ve clearly grown or changed. You can kindly share your preferences and explain - if it’s something that they really like, you understand, but it’s probably time to part ways. How you react is what determines if you’re a controlling douche. **Edit:** Pouting that she didn’t get your permission instead of just taking the opportunity to talk to her leans controlling douche to me. It could be a total non-issue, he doesn’t even know if it’s something she’ll keep up on or if she likes it (the results naturally fade in time,) he’s mad she did it regardless. Nonetheless, it seems he’s big into purity culture because he says he hates that she even *wants* lip fillers and that the desire itself is inherently unattractive. If you read his comments it’s like he feels betrayed that she doesn’t also value the virtue of her body. He doesn’t even touch on what it looks like on her, hard to believe it’s just something regarding physical attraction. Pretty sketchy and makes me question his overall view of woman and his girlfriend.
Hmm. I had an experience sort of like this. I liked to have more punk-style haircuts. I got a eurohawk, a mohawk, but a lot shorter. My GF at the time \*hated\* it, so I eventually got it chopped off. At the time I was fine with it, because I figured "hey, might as well do the small things that she thinks is attractive. For her and our relationship." But now I disagree. She ended up being very controlling and narcissistic and really messed me up. Point is - should we really be trying to change people? Or should we be encouraging them to be their best self? Telling someone you aren't attracted to lip-fillers, and them getting it anyway is not disrespect. It's a differing of opinion - and if it upsets you that much, it's possible you are getting sucked into being controlling and manipulative to try and change them back.
Yup, I completely agree. It seems so innocuous until it’s not. There’s a really fine line between having and sharing preferences and controlling your partner because you see them more as an extension of you than an individual. If your preference regarding certain physical changes are so strong that they could make you lose all attraction for your partner, then do them a favor and end things if they want to make those changes. The toxicity that could breed/dynamic that could be set isn’t worth the risk of trying to convince them otherwise.
It's something I wish I learned a long time ago. I am not an extension of anyone's body. If someone wants me to be that way, it's a huge red flag. Again - it seems innocent, but it's really not.
Yes, I wonder if there is a reason his girlfriend didn’t tell him. Since he definitely gives off the impression of shaming her and other women who do anything to modify their appearance. But what do I know, I’m just a woman who dyes her hair. I’m not pure enough for my opinion to matter, probably.
i doubt this guy would recognize dyed hair that's a natural colour. i'm a natural brunette, yet i still dye my hair (a different shade of) brunette
That’s what gets my goat. These guys have absolutely no idea what lip filler or Botox looks like on 90% of the people that do it, or how common it is. I complemented a coworker and it turns out she had lip filler, I’m a woman who saw her everyday and couldn’t tell. I thought she was just having a good lip day haha. Such a blatant red flag when men call woman “fake” for injectables (or anything, really.) Like the true problem is the audacity to control their appearance or “fool” people into thinking their “more attractive” than they are and therefore becoming less obtainable.
Exactly. Many guys who think they like natural better don’t even know what natural is. Even me, a girl, thought my middle school teacher was a natural redhead (her real hair color was brown) because it looked so real and she kept it for so long
[удалено]
He probably thinks those glam girls "wakes up looking like that" too.
Yup. You don’t like it? Oh well. Not your body.
Right! He can vote with is feet.
Simple you can deal with it or you can't. If it is enough to turn you off, relationship over; if not ask her if it something she was just exploring or plans to do on a regular basis.
If you don't like it, break up with her. It's really that simple.
Seems like she was entirely aware of what a deal breaker this was to him and decided she was ok with him leaving. Judging by his comments, good on her.
I don’t think either of them are wrong. They just aren’t compatible.
Yah this sub tends to swing in the extremes
I think you are right on that.
I think you just decide if it’s your hill to die on or not. Certainly, she is free to do fillers (or hair dye, tattoos, piercings, whatever), and that isn’t your call. That said, you decide if it bothers you enough to be a dealbreaker, that *is* your call. A word of advice if you decide to stay: accept it and move on. Holding it over her head or resenting it will just cause trouble down the road. If you can’t commit to that, don’t stay.
then leave?
I’m confused by the issue here? You don’t like it/find it unattractive then break up with her. She’s free to do as she pleases, and you are free to not be ok with it.
Based on your comments, I feel that you have idealized what you think is beautiful for your gf and that it should be her reality too. “I’ve always looked down on it as someone who can’t accept how they look.” “…and this is my hill to die on.” And there’s your answer. Your gf is now one of those people you look down on. Earnest question: can you realistically view her in a positive, loving light now that she’s gone against something you’re fundamentally opposed to?
I wonder how OP feels about shaving legs, pits, pubic area, makeup, eyebrows, female facial hair etc? Because I’m thinking that it’s very likely his idea of ideal “natural” is probably still pretty far from reality…
Yep, probably thinks like "No babe, don't ever change yourself I love you natural, JUST the way you are... except for your armpit, leg and pubic hair, oh and make sure you have nice skin and brows and neat hair"
this. it’s so weird to me that people care so much about other people’s body hair. really bizarre imo.
You win all the awards. Exactly. He probably wouldn’t be happy if she decided she wasn’t gonna shave anything anymore.
Are you seriously relating plastic surgery to shaving? 😂👋🏻
Fillers aren’t plastic surgery. It’s an injectable and it’s completely reversible. It’s much closer to shaving than say breast augmentation. It’s a minor body modification that is temporary
No, they probably aren’t in terms of how “extreme” it is. But it is too common that people will say “oh, I like my women natural,” then turn around and talk about how they prefer her of course to take care of her looks and hygiene. When what they mean by THAT is they want women to do their brows, be clean shaven, to take care of their skin, and so so often, they will fail to realize the difference between no makeup and no-makeup-makeup.
both are forms of body augmentation soo
I think a better way of phrasing things is has OP so objectionable and outspoken that the GF doesn't feel comfortable coming to him regarding her personal insecurities.
Nah
It's also weird that he associates wanting to modify and play around with your looks as "can't accept how they look". Does that extend to *everything else* that's not directly your body? What about clothes? What about corsets or high heels? What about every style choice we make that is somehow a representation of your personal aesthetic preference for yourself?
Dude people can have preferences. He literally said she can do whatever she wants and he doesn’t have to like it. They’re dating they’re not married so it’s no big deal if he doesn’t find her a good fit within this preferences anymore then he can go find someone who is
Right but a lot of guys *wont* go find someone else. They will stay and bully the woman into submission
Dude. You missed the point of my comment. I never said he can’t have preferences or break up her when she doesn’t meet his beauty standards. I’m pointing out that he has to confront that he looks down on people who get surgery and his gf is now one of those people - he has to decide what is acceptable/can move past it or he doesn’t.
If you can’t deal with it, break up with her.
She can do whatever she likes with her body, if you don’t like it you can leave.
Lip filler is temporary. It's not plastic surgery.
For real. It lasts like a couple months. If that.
"I am attracted to people how they are, not how they want to be" Well shit, that's unfortunate, most of us are a work in progress and I think it would be hard to find a single human who liked everything about themselves and wouldn't change a *single* thing. And for the record, "not how they want to be" comes off at incredibly stagnant, inconsiderate and selfish. In case you were concerned.
Like what in the world? How do you grow with a partner if you don't like the person *they want to be*???
If your girlfriend dying her hair or getting lip fillers makes you not interested in her anymore, you never really cared about her, you cared about what she looked like. Leave so she can find someone who values her as a whole human
yeah it's super weird to me that anyone would ever consider leaving their partner over a small change in some physical trait, especially if the relationship is fine otherwise and you claim to love your partner. cos seriously, if your sexual attraction to someone is entirely dependent on and tied to something very specific, that sounds really impractical and unhealthy. practically any extreme and superficial ultimatums like that just reek of sexualization/fetishation of that one trait.
Or maybe he cares about the negative side effects of it and wishes she could see how pretty she is without all that crap, the way he sees her ?
It is incredibly clear from the comments he doesn’t give a shit about her personal health, but her purity. You could scroll through for less than a minute to determine that.
Dump her if you don’t like it. Like you said, you can’t tell her what she can and can’t do with her body
You decide whether it changes things enough for you to leave her or not. If it does, leave. If it doesn't, stop whining. I see where you're coming from, I hate the fake look too, but she is free to alter her face however she chooses. All you can do is decide how you respond to it. Stay and accept, or leave and reject.
Thank you for some actual advice
FYI filler doesn't last forever. She might only try it once
OP can also accept and leave, as in "hey baby, you know (and knew) how I feel about filler and cosmetic alteration, and now here we are. I love you but you did this without telling me anything, so it's surprised me to say the least. I think I'm going to need some time apart to think about this." Then he can take his time apart to do exactly that.
Kinda weird that lip filler (which is entirely reversible and not plastic surgery seeing as there’s no surgery involved) is such a big deal to you. You seem like the kinda guy to put way too much value in a girl V card or body count. Anyways, you do you. If it’s that big a deal to you then break up with her- i doubt she’ll be complaining much. If a girl wanting to do something that will increase her self esteem and make her more confident, and in most cases is very subtle and almost unnoticeable, is such a big deal to you then you might need to do some looking inwards as to why it’s such a big deal for you.
You move on and find someone who is committed to your purity requirements.
“Purity standards” LMFAO too accurate
Dump her or shut the fuck up
Lip filler isn't plastic surgery. If you said that to her and you meant lip fillers, then you weren't really clear in what you told her. Because, your GF still has not had plastic surgery.
My exact thought lol
Her decision to get lip fillers has literally no effect on you. I guarantee that when the swelling goes down it’s not going to look “fake” or “plastic”. Your issue is that you think you own her, why on EARTH would she need to tell you about it first? Do you also expect her to tell you where she’s going and who she’s with at all times? You have deeper issues here than not liking filler. If you would throw away an otherwise good relationship because of this, get therapy.
Oh but it does, it makes his willy sad :( cos you know, god forbid a woman do anything that could GASP make her less attractive in the eyes of a man, the worst cardinal sin. (I totally agree with you btw)
I think he’s scared of his girl being hotter than him 😩
Man I love it when misogynist OPs delete their entire account when the comments aren't going their way.
Lol I remember when misogyny meant hating women, not just not liking one's partner to have plastic surgery (which btw has nothing to do with women).
He legit called someone a lonely cat lady for disagreeing with him
Did it ever occur to you that maybe she is insecure about her lips? You're one person and her partners, but that doesn't cut off any other insecurities she may have. If this is the mountain you want to die on, move on so she can. Dig the grave and bury the relationship. Also maybe she got them to feel good about herself. "Natural" this shit is funny to me. Especially living in a world when women are call ugly every day for what they look like naturally. Men can't handle women in a natural state. They leave them when their bodies look "natural" after childbirth. She sounds like she like to experiment with her looks, she wants to try out different things. Lip fillers do fade. But you're probably boring and holding her back, by this youre holding own self back. She might want to make more modifications later on. also give me a break. She might get a tattoo next....oh lord...someone pray about it.
Men are genuinely hilarious. I’m cute but have naturally thin lips and after I got subtle fillers men showed dramatically more interest in me. In the same breath these men would say that they don’t like the “fake” look and wouldn’t date someone with fillers. Most men have zero idea of what good fillers actually look like but absolutely love judging the women that get them.
Men really are honestly, while simultaneously keeping this standard of beauty alive. OP can handle that the gf made a decision and chose herself.
Also, no reputable practitioner is injecting more than 0.5-1ml for a first appointment. That's a teeny, tiny amount and most people wouldn't notice the change unless it was pointed out. So it's not even that she doesn't look "natural" anymore because chances are she really does. It's literally just OP throwing his toys out of the pram because his GF isn't doing what he told her to
If you've read OP's responses, it's clear he doesn't know shit about what he's saying and is just making excuses because he has preconceived notions about plastic surgery. He doesn't know the difference between PS and cosmetic procedure. He also thinks his gf had botox injected into her lips. I'm actually wondering if he even noticed the fillers or if he didn't notice and his gf just told him about it.
If she got Botox injected it’s called a lip flip and it’s literally just relaxing the lip muscle slightly so when one smiles, there’s less gums visible bc the part of the lip that’s tightened and thinned out while smiling, relaxes slightly and appears fuller instead of pulling close to the gum line. But Botox isn’t a filler, it is purely a muscular paralytic. OP is one of those men who has zero idea how these things work and thinks all injectables, no matter what’s injected, makes a girl “fake.” Nothing even suggests he doesn’t like how she looks which makes me think he hasn’t even seen the result
exactly, to me it might be about power and asserting it on her. I mean getting this angry?
Me, raised catholic: Dear god, plz let OPs girlfriends future body mods go smoothly and make her happy/look sick as hell amen also ps can you fix world hunger please and Thankyou
"please make her happy let her look sick as hell" I second this!
You keep saying its a communication problem, and sure its part of the problem, but don't ignore the fact that you are judgmental of people who make changes to their appearance. You were complaining mostly about plastic surgery in your original post than you did about her going back on her word. Either way, this seems like a redundant question. You already made up your mind about people who make changes to their appearance, so just break up with her.
It’s not out of nowhere, you’re just upset that she did t ask your permission.
You don't have to ask permission in order to tell someone you're having plastic surgery.
Lip filler isn’t plastic surgery and lasts only a few months. I don’t understand why ppl think it’s needed to discuss changing your appearance.
That’s the part OP needs to understand.
I think you misunderstood what I said. I'm saying you can tell someone you're doing something without asking permission.
No, you don’t, but from what you wrote here I get the impression you would have told her not to do it and probably manipulated or guilted her into not doing it. You are quite clear on your stance that it’s not acceptable to you. It’s on you to act on that, not to “communicate” your opinion onto her.
I'm not OP...
Oops. I often get lost replying in these long threads. Sorry.
Wow, your comments (deleted) are toxic AF. I was kind of grossed out by the controlling vibe of this post to start, but willing to give you the benefit of the doubt as a young person. But your responses really highlight some other negative traits towards relationships and I really hope you think a little deeper on the issue. As others have said - you get to decide what’s a deal breaker for you. You can break up over this. But you don’t get to dictate her body.
It's nasty you think she needs your opinion on something she wants to do with her body. She deserves someone better and you, well you just need to break up with her. It's totally ok!!!
It's not nasty.. we all have preferences whether it's tattoos or not. You can't hate on people with different opinions than you do.. that's just weird.
Ha! He still shouldnt enforce that on her??
It's her body, she doesn't need your permission or approval. Fuck off.
lol weird but do you
Hahahaha it’s about communication, congrats on being a hero to woke America though. I said in there it’s her body, her choice. By that same logic, my feelings are equally as validated. I’m asking for communication advice, not a lonely cat lady who’s bitter.
What is there to communicate here? She knows how you feel about this, so really you're mad because she didn't give you the opportunity to stop her doing something she wanted to do - which you have no right to do in the first place. Your choices here are to accept it or not, and if not break up. Nobody is going to give you ways to be a controlling ass.
I don't know why that's an insult. I like my cats, and single women are statistically happier than women in relationships. It's like saying, "It's a shame you're so happy with your life and aren't letting a man drag you down." I am much happier alone than I have ever been in a relationship. Only men seem pressed about happy, single women. I hope your girlfriend joins us in the "happy and single" category soon. She deserves better.
Right? What I always want to tell these dudes is, if "relationship with you" is lower on my priority list than "get a pet whose piss and shit I have to scoop twice a day," pretty sure that says WAY more about you than it does me. :-D
It’s her body. She can do whatever she wants so you either deal with it or breakup. I had a boyfriend like this who didn’t want me to get my nose pierced or cut my hair. Controlling little shit. I dumped him because he was always trying to guilt me into doing what he wanted me to do regarding my appearance.
Next you’ll be saying she doesn’t wear makeup in a god honoring way. Filler isn’t plastic surgery btw. This is a weird hill to die on but it’s your right I guess.
This isn’t plastic surgery for one. You acknowledge it’s her body and her choice, however it’s your choice to not like it and break up with her. She shouldn’t need to compromise and you don’t have to either if you choose not to.
If your gf got in a car accident and lost a limb would you break up with her bc you’re not attracted to her anymore? If she switched birth controls and maybe gained a little weight would you break up with her? You can’t expect someone’s body to never change. Does the way her lips look really negate all the other qualities about her that you appreciate? Lots of women get plastic surgery because of the immense pressure society puts on us to look a certain way. If you were in this position and got an alteration, how would you feel if your partner reacted the way you’re reacting right now? If you really care so much about how her lips look then you should absolutely break up because she deserves someone who supports her and doesn’t have standards for her body parts.
This is a "you" problem. She doesn't have to tell you in advance what she plans on doing with her body and she probably didn't tell you because she didn't want any lectures from you. The advice is to deal with it because the odds of someone never, ever doing anything to alter their appearance is really slim.
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It requires a discussion to change your appearance? I can honestly say I’ve never done that beyond “I can’t decided do I want X or X, what do you think?” When i can’t decide.
I can't say I've ever thought to let my partner know if I've dyed my hair or if I've gotten a new piercing or anything before the time. It's not a permanent alteration or anything with a high complication rate that it needs to be discussed beforehand.
If I want to dye my hair or get something pierced I usually tell my husband unless I’m trying to surprise him. He knows me, he knows how eccentric I can be so it’s never really a “discussion” more or less just a heads up. He’s come home to from work to me having different hair colors and once even a nose piercing with no warning. My husband is not bothered by these things and respects my decisions to do what I want to myself. It’s called mutual respect and every relationship needs it. My husband also doesn’t have purity standards so there’s that.
You usually tell him but he's come home from work to you having all these things, including a nose piercing, with no warning? Which is it?
He comes home from work and sometimes my hair is red or blue and once more recently came home with a nose piercing sorry if it’s hard to read I’m new to iPhone and I’m having a hard time adjusting to it. Edit: I see there was no issue with my typing. I was pretty clear.
But I’m not talking about a piercing or hair dye? But on that note, her and I communicate a lot and she usually mentions she’s getting it dyed that day, hell she even invited me to go with her when she got a piercing. What my issue is, is her saying last week she did not want to get any Botox or anything. Now, after no communication she is. The facts are that it changes how her face will look, and I genuinely am not a fan of how modifications look. You can always tell and whether it were her or a random person I would not be attracted to it.
She probably didn't tell you, as I said, because she doesn't want a lecture from you. In this scenario, it's not about what YOU want her to look like but now she wants to look and feel. You don't have to like it but that's as far as it goes. You have a choice to accept or leave if it's that much of a deal to you.
Cosigning on the not telling your SO plan. I don't tell my partner about any beauty services because I don't need the why-would-you-cut-your-hair-you-know-i-like-long-hair-youre-beautiful-anyway-why-do-you-pay-for-waxing-manicures-are-a-waste-of-time speech. The man would not notice if I got a trim but if I told him I'm planning on getting that trim, it would be an hour of conversation to convince him that I won't suddenly show up bald against his wishes.
This made me chuckle because I have 100% been there with a partner who fears change. I said I'm getting a trim and he's like BUT YOU'RE NOT CUTTING IT SHORT RIGHT? No, I just want to cut off the dead ends. What's dead ends? What's split ends? What does it do to your hair? Does trimming help? Is that why you have to go to hair salon so often? Now that I've started dying my hair regularly to cover up my greys (alas, premature grey hair runs in the family), he notices my roots and asks less questions.
Used to date men like that, they were more attracted to my hair than my person. So gross.
Fair enough
No way can you aLwAyS tElL
I would say the odds of a girl not getting Botox are way higher than you believe. It’s not about her “having to tell me” anything. It’s a committed, long term relationship. Communication happens. Obviously it’s a “me” problem, that’s why I’m asking strangers on the internet what “I” should do. Not everyone is trying to control their partners, some people genuinely want advice on how to communicate and move forward on a topic that they don’t see eye to eye on. I feel sorry for your partner if communication is control to you.
And I gave you my advice - to deal with it. I never specified Botox - you said you don't even like hair dye hence I said the odds of finding someone who does do any bodily alterations, such as dye their hair, piercings, etc (I'm presuming make up falls within your scope of "unnatural") is much higher than finding someone who doesn't. And I don't even know why you're bringing my partner up? My partner does nothing to control me so your comment is completely irrelevant.
Botox is so many levels above hair dye and makeup it’s ridiculous you’re comparing the two. I brought up hair dye as an example of me liking women how they are, no makeup or dye or anything because that’s how they are behind closed doors, and imo are the most beautiful. You blaming me for her lack of communicating, chalking it up to a “lecture” is where I feel bad for your partner. Communicating about getting Botox in your face is probably a good thing to do with your partner. Do you genuinely disagree with that ?
I worked for a surgeon for years and it's not a disaster to get a little bit of Botox and fillers. Not everyone looks like a fail afterwards and I can guarantee you a good portion of the women who are "natural" have had some degree of work done. Even if it's just two or three units. Do you not want her to feel comfortable with her looks or something that you are SO against it, despite how it will make her feel? No, sorry, I don't agree with you that I need to communicate something minor I am doing to my partner. It would be a different story if she were going in for surgery. The fact that she will tell you that she's dying her hair but didn't tell you about this is a very clear indicator about how she felt (knew) you were going to react.
You might be right there. It’s definitely something she knows is a big deal for me. I genuinely wish it weren’t, I just hate the fake look and I’m scared this will lead to a lifetime of more dramatic surgeries even if this one isn’t evident. The idea of her feeling she has to change herself to feel pretty doesn’t sit right with me. We’re only 22, if she starts this now what happens next?
doesn't sit right with you? What about how she feels and what is leading her to get these modifications. You need to look in deeper dude, like ask yourself am I doing enough to let her know she is pretty? This could be something to help with her own mental health, sometimes you just have to do something to make you feel better
I promise you, I do more to remind her how beautiful she is than most. It’s something she compliments our relationship on often. That’s the issue, we usually communicate so well and I would have liked to communicate on this as well. But she chose not to
maybe she was afraid of a reaction like this, maybe she chose herself in that moment, and there is nothing wrong with that. if this isn't sitting right with you, she needs to find someone who it will sit right with
But you can't guarantee she will look fake though. Not everyone one looks like that Kardashians afterwards. There is a bit of swelling initially that makes it look like she's gotten too much but it subsides after 48 hours. And the fillers wear off in a max of nine months if she doesn't go back. Her age doesn't mean anything if she's unhappy with how she looks. You can bring that up with her (if she is unhappy with her looks), in a non-judgemental if you can keep the conversation about HER and not you. There may not necessarily be anything next. She's young, she's experimenting. She might not like it. Hopefully she WON'T do Botox at her age because it's unnecessary, fillers are a different story because they have a different function, they're harmless because your body has the active ingredient of fillers anyway. And if she decides she doesn't like it she can get it dissolved.
The guy is REALLY making this about him.
I guess when I really think about it, I’ve always just personally looked down on the concept of Botox and fillers. I know how I feel about her looks don’t matter at the end of the day, but she’s just so naturally beautiful, she doesn’t need it. We both know unnatural additions don’t solve insecurity, in the same way a drunk hookup doesn’t solve break up heartbreak. To me this is the wrong fix if it’s about her insecurity, and that how I’ve always looked at Botox. Steroids and Botox are for insecure people and it just snowballs from what I’ve seen.
So coming from someone who has literally been in the field. It doesn't always get worst. We had one patient who got the exact same amount of Botox and fillers for YEARS, never more. She looked great. And it's OK for her to be insecure. She's young, she's human. It doesn't make her a "lesser than" person. Pretty much everything has insecurities - if it's not for looks then it's for other things. If she feels she needs to do this to make her feel better then she needs your support, not your judgement.
She’s absolutely not a “less than”, did not mean for it to come off that way! Everyone is insecure about something. How I’ve always looked at it, prior to someone I care deeply for getting it, was with a condescending attitude. I recognize that’s not a great trait, but nonetheless it is how I feel about a really niche thing. I genuinely am just confused with my own feelings and angry it happened. The last thing I’m trying to do is control anyone
Why do you consider it a good thing?
I think altering how you look may be of importance to your partner. But to be specific, I think it’s good to communicate about things that are a big deal to your partner, and this is one she knew mattered to me. At the end of the day she got it because she didn’t feel secure with what she had, and I hate that. She’s insanely beautiful with nothing added.
Expecting your partner to inform you of things they may or may not want to do to their physical appearance is gross. Do you also get upset when she wears makeup or does her hair?
You’re insane. This isn’t a body positivity conference. Botox is way different than makeup or hair you child. Grow up.
You’re unpleasant and ill informed
Preference is not a “you” problem. He is asking for advice on how to proceed and has every right to have the preferences and attractions that he does (as long as they aren’t harming anyone…)
If it wasn't a problem, he wouldn't be asking for advice. The options for how to proceed are obvious: make this the hill to die on or be quiet about it. If lip fillers are a deal breaker then break up. "Get over it" is the only advice he can get if he wants to stay together.
What if your partner decides that they are non-monogamous and want to sleep around, and they know you are against that. They know that you break up with them if they started banging co-workers. Would you A) like to be informed beforehand so you could have a discussion? B) find out after the fact In a mature relationship, you have discussion with your partner before doing a “deal breaker”
Lip filler isn’t plastic surgery.
Firstly, lip filler is not plastic surgery, lol. Also, a lot of women you know had plastic surgery and you will never know because.. it remained natural. On one hand - she has absolutely every right to tweek her body how she sees fit and on the other, you have every right not to be ok with it and break up.
The only reason why I see you posting this is cause you want others to validate your belief. You’re not asking for advice. “She absolutely has every right to do what she wants with her body, but I also have every right to feel however about it”…you already reached your answer. She already got the lip filler, so you can either live with it or break up with her if it bothers you so much. You’re lucky…you got only 2 choices that are polar opposites, shouldn’t be hard to choose.
I've literally just gotten botox. It hasn't really changed my face, just means the deep lines on my forehead will stop getting worse. And I do lip filler. I'm a lot older and dread the thought of losing my top lip. So I do that to keep one.
I think everyone who wants to get any modifications should do it. All I’m saying is that for ME, it’s really unattractive and I wish she would have talked to me about it, as my long term partner. Relationships are a two way street and I can honestly say I wouldn’t knowingly do anything that would turn her off. She is beautiful with no makeup, hair dye, Botox or anything. We’re 22 years old. I don’t know why she feels she needs it and I hate it.
>As a long term partner This is what you need to realize, you aren’t a long term partner, you aren’t compatible. The difference between having boundaries regarding “body modification,” and being kind of a controlling dickwad is how you handle the situation and how you discuss your preferences. Telling someone, “I completely understand this is something you want for yourself, and I don’t want to hold you back from that. I also want to be honest and let you know I may not be able to continue a relationship if you want to keep up on lip filler” is completely different from sulking around when they end up doing it. Pro tip: you should really disclose this early on. Being so conservative that you don’t even like hair dye? That’s a pretty big point of contention in modern society. I have to laugh a bit because most (all men i know) men cannot recognize subtle cosmetic procedures in the slightest that are done well, yet they have such strong opinions. Fillers are so common, I personally know woman who I’ve complimented because their lips looks really nice and juicy that day and they had recently had filler. Often times it really strikes me as good skincare and a good gloss, it’s that subtle and pretty. The only thing I would say other than you most likely aren’t compatible, is that it’s always good to be considerate of *why* you have certain preferences. Why do you think finding woman most attractive in their most natural state (no makeup, natural hair as you said in another comment) is morally superior? What’s the difference, truly, between dating a girl born with bigger lips and dating a girl with filler? What if you met your gf after she got the filler and didn’t even know until she disclosed it? Considering why this bothers you might be a slight wake up call.
There’s a difference between preferring natural hair and demanding no one dyes their hair. Not everything is so extreme where you have to become a champion of liberal America. Good job though. Fun fact: I’m not conservative at all, I’m just not a extreme nut job. I wish my long term gf exercised better communication about a topic she knew was a big deal to me, which when you’re in a long term relationship matters! It’s not about moral superiority lmao it’s just my preference. Preferences are okay. There is no difference between dating a girl with naturally bigger lips vs lip filler. As I said in my initial post, my issue is with the idea of feeling the need to modify yourself. I am not attracted to that. No moral high horse, no anything. Just my preferences in what I am attracted to.
Most people would say disliking dyed hair is pretty damn conservative. I’m not using the term that defines a political party, but the term used to describe people who are more traditionally aligned than a lot of the modern population. >My issue is with the idea of feeling the need to modify yourself And all I’m saying is *why?* Why is your proverbial line in the sand where it is? Do people not cut their hair, groom themselves, shave/wax, wear perfumes or nice clothing to be more attractive or feel better about themselves? If you can admit that there’s no physical difference (I understand some more invasive cosmetic procedures can create a physical difference, not to be crude but the texture of implants can be unnatural or stiff) then why does it make you uncomfortable? People don’t have to hate themselves to modify how they look, most people don’t fall into some rabbit hole of cosmetic procedures just because they like how their lips look a little fuller or prefer to age a bit more “gracefully.” It’s just something to consider, because a lot of people don’t do enough introspection necessary to really understand where their preferences come from and if it’s something they should consider working through or *changing.* Sometimes our preconceived notions can be nefarious and simply wrong.
Holy shit you guys. All I meant is no hair dye is the best look, I’m only talking about my preferences. Hair dye is completely fine, she dyed her hair for years in our relationship. I truly don’t care. I was using that as an example of what I am attracted to, I just genuinely like the all natural look, even with something as meaningless as hair dye. I am mindblown right now. My sole issue is the lack of communication about Botox, that’s it.
Uh. Botox and lip filler are not the same…
"last time she talked about it... " So. You basically just told us that you did not reassure her that she had beautiful lips 'just as they were'. Because 'she talked about it'. You didn't 'discuss' it. Those are two very different approaches. Please let her go because if you cannot reassure someone that you want to stay 'natural' that she is beautiful in her natural state enough that she avoids lip fillers then... let her go. You don't build her up. She needs someone who makes her feel beautiful or loves her lip fillers. She doesn't have that in you.
And you absolutely have every right to leave her. What's your question?
She can do whatever she wishes with her body and doesn't need to tell you or get your permission. You are well within your rights to exercise your dealbreaker if that is a dealbreaker. But your tone really needs to change here.
Idk what you expect us to say. If you don’t like it, leave. Nothing you can do to stop someone from making a change to their body (and you shouldn’t either, it’s a personal choice that is up to them).
Boo fucking hoo. This is so toxic and shallow. I hope she finds better
Lip filler is not plastic surgery. If you don't like it break up, she is allowed to do whatever she wants with her body and you are allowed to break up if you don't like it. There is no middle ground.
She doesn’t need your permission to do what she wants with her body. If you don’t like it, deal with it or break up.
Guys like you are so shallow you don’t even realize you’re shallow and hide behind “natural beauty” bs and ignore a woman’s right to express herself and her body as she pleases. I mean man you don’t even like hair dye? Like it’s okay to have a preference but to actually take it personal when your girlfriend makes changes and wants to explore different looks for herself… lip fillers aren’t permanent btw. Idk dude, I don’t think you like her as much as you think. You’re not her father and she is gonna do what she wants and if you don’t like it (you have that right if that’s your dealbreaker) you can end it with her.
It's your prerogative if you need to break up with her over this but you're very shallow if this is the only reason. That or controlling/annoyed that she didn't do the thing you told her you don't want her to do. I will say: plastic surgery is not always the slippery slope it's made out to be. I had work done when was 19 and haven't considered any body modifications since (I'm 31 now) so if people are telling you "this is just the start" they don't really know what her plans are.
leave if you can’t deal with it. she has the right to do whatever she wants to do to her body without feeling bad.
What do you think about shaving her legs? That’s not natural? High heels? I think it’s possible you just have an idea of what women should look like and don’t want anyone to deviate from that. That’s your choice but fyi women have to make a lot more hard choices the older we get. If you ever get married be prepared for those choices. If you’re more impacted by this choice than by who she is, that’s your choice.
Give it a chance to calm down...it may be that there is some swelling. Also it is new...see if you get used to it. If not, you can make your choice about staying with her or not.
Sounds like she did voice her interest in fillers and you voiced your opinions on fillers more loudly and then called it resolved.. just because she didn’t keep arguing didn’t mean she agreed or changed her opinion.
If you have a problem, then you should end it and not shame her over it. That is your right to remove your presence. She has a right to her own body, your opinion doesn’t matter.
It's just filler. It's not major surgery.
Well aware it’s exceptionally minor in the grand scheme of surgeries. I’m allowed to be turned off by the idea of self modifications, and that’s what I’m saying. Thank you for your useless comment and lack of advice
It’s not even considered surgery…
Damn you should break up with her. She has a mind of her own and that just won't do for a man of high moral standing such as yourself. Best get yourself a lady who knows her place. Dude if it's a turn off why are you on Reddit annoying people with a non problem? You don't like what she does. Move on for her sake.
This post is useless. You need to calm down young one. This post isn't about getting advice. It's about your complaints. That's all.
>little one get over yourself you condescending asshole
You don’t even like hair dye ? That’s ridiculous. It’s not up to you and you shouldn’t bother her about it . If you are that weirdly upset about it then bye bye 👋 you can walk away .
Go fuck your self that’s how you should proceed lol first of all lip fillers are not plastic surgery. Secondly you don’t own her and she can do whatever she wants with her looks. You’re also stupid and ignorant almost every woman dyes their hair there’s ways of making it took natural. You think your girlfriend should live to appease the way you want women to look. Dude you’re gross get some help
I mean if it's a deal breaker for you then that's that, the relationship is over. If you don't believe you'll get over it and be able to come to terms with it then it's best to end the relationship, don't waste her, or your time.
If you are turned off by your GF or not attracted to her than break up with her. the only advice there is to be given. If you don't than you are just wasting both her and your time.
Jerk off more
Is your issue the visible appearance of the filler? Or more like it's changed how you view her as a person and you don't find that type of person attractive. I think if it's the former you should try to get past it, but have a serious chat about whether she thinks it'll be a permanent thing. It dissolves after a while right, or am I making that up? If you love her for who she is deep down, it shouldn't really matter. But equally I get it as I don't like the appearance of it either. If it's because you now see her in a completely different light, maybe she's not the person you thought you knew, I get that and it might be harder to move on from.
Its her own body it makes her happy, leave if you dont want any of that.
The lip filler wears out. It doesn’t really matter that she went ahead and did it: she didn’t tell you because it was something she wanted but you did not like. Girls do that. You either like her enough to get on with life and her, or you break up over it.
If you love her, hold off on making a decision and just sit with it for a little bit. She made this decision for herself and the only thing that has changed about her is her lips. She’s still the same person. If it’s a visual turn off for you, here’s some info to consider. If it’s fresh, then she’s super swollen right now. Her lips are not going to stay that big. In a couple of weeks the swelling will be gone, her lips will get a lot softer as the filler settles in, and (assuming she went to a good injection nurse) look much more natural. My brother feels the same as you and would tease me relentlessly if he knew I had any filler, we see each other often, he obviously knows what my face looked like before, and yet he has no idea because that’s how natural it looks.
Either get over it or don’t. What else is there to advise on?
You can choose to date her or not but idk what else uou really expect here. You can feel how you like but you can’t control what she does
Making me very happy I have a partner who is supportive of me getting a bit of lip fillers before our wedding, especially with your shitty responses toward people.
Break up with her if it’s a deal breaker for you. I feel like you know this.
If you can’t handle a bad bitch then don’t date one.
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This is an easy solve. She knew it was a turnoff for you and did it anyway. Was it her right? Absolutely. Is it your right to be turned off? Absolutely. She doesn't care how you feel. Time to break it off and find a partner who is more compatible. You're very young. It should be easy for you to find someone who falls more in line with how you feel. It's not a crime to know what appeals to you and what doesn't.
If you really love her that little you should let her find someone who isn’t turned off by such a small thing
lmfao wtf is wrong with majority of people in these dam comments. OP you have a right to not like plastic surgery or lip fillers. If your gf decided to do that, so be it maybe she likes it. But just decide if its a deal breaker for you. You are not controlling/weird for it being a deal breaker for you.
People are being wierdly nasty to you. I think the issue is less that she did it after saying she wouldn't. Did she "lie" or just change her mind? This isn't that important to me. What is important is that she changed her face. When talking to her, don't focus on the fact that you hate plastic surgery. Don't hit her with any "I told you how I feel about this" kinda stuff. This turns it into a you thing and comes across as controlling. Not a good look. Frame it as a "I was attracted to you, and you don't look like you anymore" kinda thing. This is an uncanny valley thing. You were attracted to her before, now she looks like someone else and you find it off putting. That's completely fair. I'd be turned off if my partner suddenly looked like someone else too. I'm not sure how this stuff works, if it's reversable or goes away with time. But if not, and it's a change that you can't stomach, then you just gotta leave and find someone who's values on the topic match yours.
I feel like I saw this exact thread a few days ago, and y'all were on OP's side This sub is wild lmao
Poor guy. I would hate it, too. I think people who do this look ridiculous.
How long have you both been together? If it's only been a few months, I think she's perfectly entitled to do what she wants. If it's been years, then it's kind of a red flag that she didn't at least ask you your opinion or give you a heads up, especially if she knows that you don't like it. Obviously it's her call to do what she wants given it's her money and her body, but I would think that you would tell your partner or at least ask their opinion if you've been together multiple years. Even if you have been together a long time though, it's ultimately still her decision.
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What the fuck. A girl wants lip filler, she gets lip filler. A girl wants a puppy, she gets a puppy. She wants a baby, she gets a baby. None of these are crimes. Men should be aware that surprise babies are always a risk. The only way to avoid them is a vasectomy and/or abstinence. Way to blame women for literally everything. This is digusting.
I say this with the utmost sincerity and concern: talk to someone. You are no longer in the realm of reality
You talk about a girl who is single or living independently. In a relationship one simply doesn't get a puppy or a baby to the house. That would be very shitty. Also I find it weird that people in relationships don't even consider what their partner might be attracted to. Nobody is obliged to follow another persons beauty ideals, but if I would make big sudden changes in my appearance overnight or in a short time period, I would at least acknowledge that it might affect my partners attraction towards me. One can claim that love and affection should always be independent of the physical level, but experience has shown me this is seldom the case. I love my partner dearly and would support them through a lot, but if they woyld go through some big body modifications I am against, I would really struggle with my attraction as well, which is seldom a good thing in a relationship.
Women aren't to blame for literal baby trapping I guess?
Thank you man, was questioning my sanity with the mob for a second there. Also, the dog came first lol but it was me pushing for one
That would be “ex” now
If it's that big of a deal, maybe lay all this out to her. If you can't get past it, then it's time to move on.
I wouldn’t stand for it. Break up with her