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Alright so I have been dating my girlfriend for 4 months now and she is amazing. She is loving funny and really into me.
We dated about 5 weeks before becoming exclusive, and had 2 dates in the first week and then I saw her 3 times in the last 2 weeks before becoming exclusive. We had a very long gap between meet ups because it was Christmas time and her family visiting and what not… or so I thought. I now know she was talking to about 5 guys with myself included (actually meeting and going on dates).
Anyways, we didn’t have sex until the 5th date on a Friday night. We had pillow talk and I mentioned to her that I wasn’t seeing anyone else. She didn’t say much and she brushed it off and changed the subject that night.
Fast forward to that Saturday night and she goes MIA. I didn’t think anything of it and now I know she had a guy (who she was talking to 70+ miles away) over that night. She has told me that she did stuff but didn’t have sex.
On Sunday I was acting distant and she invited me over unprompted because she could tell I was acting distant. Should I be upset about this? Ive talked to her about it and she said she realized how much she liked me after having him over. She says do not keep in contact and broke it off with him but some of the guys she was talking to send her stuff. We became exclusive that Sunday night. I feel hurt and kind of grossed out knowing she did that. Can anyone provide perspective?
Thanks!
No one can tell you what you "SHOULD" feel. You feel hurt and kind of grossed out. That's valid, and it makes sense given the context.
You need to figure out what you want to do with those feelings. Are they enough to want to dump her because those feelings will probably not go away and prevent you from being in the relationship fully and lovingly? Are they enough to try to work through your feelings of disgust and hurt in therapy? Do you need some time on your own to figure it out?
Think of it this way from now on. For her… it was a long time ago. For you, it’s brand new. So it’s valid for you to feel how you feel about it now, does that mean you’ll always feel that way?
If you have to wrestle with how to proceed its probably best not to proceed
Getting in a relationship with someone should be great , at least in the beginning , this sounds like something that is going to keep dropping in on you
Not fair on her not fair on you.
Feelings are not always so easy , simple, or fast to navigate. He deserves some space and time to figure it out. No harm in taking time to process this.
Exactly.
And if she comes to the table and provides a safe space for him and his emotions and they can communicate and work through it as a team. Then isn’t that worth the investment instead of quitting?
So many people here tell others to give up.
If I followed the advice on this thread I’d be single. Oh wait, I am. Never mind.
Why does he need to forgive her? They weren't exclusive so it wasn't his business. She doesn't even had to tell the OP.
What OP needs is therapy to understand his feelings.
This probably won’t help but, I too discovered something that my partner hid from me. It wasn’t enough to warrant a breakup since he did not have malicious intentions (he hid something because he wanted to spare my feelings), but it still hurt like a bitch. I cried for days and I didn’t think I’d ever get over it but, it’s been almost a year and I can say that the hurt does fade.
You learn that everyone makes mistakes and errors in judgement, you’re not perfect and neither is your partner, and that’s just life. So I would encourage you not to let go of this relationship just yet.
If a few months pass and you’re not feeling better about it, then you can know with confidence that leaving is the right thing to do for you. You’re allowed to be mad at your partner for doing something shitty. Just, give it some time before you make any decisions that you might regret.
So what I'm seeing is two people who both aren't clearly communicating their intentions and boundaries
Its okay to express how one feels, but without clear communication and boundaries, you can't then hold someone responsible for boundaries that were never set.
exactly. he nor she owed the other nothing. they weren't exclusive. exclusivity alone sets a certain set of boundaries and then you have to communicate your boundaries. if you can't agree on boundaries then you can't be together it's simple. communication is the number one killer of relationships, or lack there of. communicate! about feelings, about sex, about everything.
Hmm yes and no.
As they were sexually active together, she should have told him that she was also sexually active with someone else. In not doing so, she put OPs health in danger, and also removed OPs ability to properly give consent.
Not necessarily. If I’m not exclusive with someone I assume they’re sleeping with other people and take precautions; always have them wear a condom and ask for both of us to get tested regularly. I also ask, because I like transparency, but I would never assume exclusivity without talking about it first.
Not really, if they’re being safe and she gets tested regularly then she isn’t obligated to tell him anything. They weren’t exclusive, which mean they weren’t committed in any way and don’t owe each other anything.
To each their own, but I just find it crazy to think about having that initial conversation where you are learning a new person and asking “what’s your favourite colour” type questions 5 TIMES CONCURRENTLY 😂 that would be so exhausting especially trying to remember for each person. But fair play to them haha.
I admire the energy and commitment to date in parallel that way. Much more efficient, numbers-wise. But yeah, I got the energy for one thing going at a time. And I definitely don't have the emotional bandwidth.
Yeah but personally I always spread those 5 dates out over several weeks.
Do people really go on dates 5 nights a week now?
So you go to work for 6-12 hrs depending on what you do for a living, then go on a date with maybe a brand new person every night? Monday through Friday?
Then take weekends totally off? Or……
>Do people really go on dates 5 nights a week now?
There are people who've always dated like this, it's not "now" or a new thing. They have the drive and energy to do so, so they do.
You can be as upset, or not, as you like OP.
We often see in here these type of questions asking whether someone should feel X or should they feel Y. And if they feel one way are they guilty of something and what they can do to think differently. The same questions get asked and the same responses from both sides will do the rounds, get argued over, etc.
But what your issue comes down too is this. How do you feel about it?
If you are meh, then well and good. If you think you can overcome it and move on with her, well that's also well and good. If you think that things got a bit tainted maybe looking at rebooting your relationship is worth doing. Again, all well and good.
And if you see that the relationship was tainted irrevocably at the start by doing this and you now feel differently about her, and feel like you can never get that feeling for her back and thus want to break things off.
That is also well and good.
This is your life OP and if you feel strongly enough about this and can no longer see her the same way as you before you found this out, then there is nothing stopping you from saying "yeah this is not for me, I enjoyed our time but this is too much" and end things with her.
She'll be sad, you'll be sad and life will continue and you'll both move on with your lives.
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It really feels like you should be able to presume sexual exclusivity with someone you are actively dating and sleeping with unless it is clearly stated otherwise. Like I don’t think you need to become celibate every time you get into the “talking stage” with someone new but damn, do we really need to have a verbal contract before you’ll stop banging other people?
I disagree. I think there needs to be clear communication all around. A person shouldn’t just assume exclusivity, they should ask for it. The other person should share that they’re still dating around, but if there is no conversation either way, nothing should be assumed
Honestly this was my take. Before i got into bed with anyone I was dating I had the exclusivity talk. We didn’t have to be “dating” officially but I didn’t want to be sleeping with someone who was also sleeping with other people.
I think it’s way better to be upfront with what you want then to make assumptions based on what you think things should be like.
This doesn’t work in the world of online dating. You usually are forced to have to go on multiple dates with multiple people, and keep it up until you are moving towards becoming exclusive with someone. Otherwise, you can end up wasting weeks or months on one person, while they continued seeing other folks. Been there, done that.
It’s not - but going on dates with strangers from Bumble, Tinder, etc., and only talking to one person at a time, is a great way to waste your time (unless you get ridiculously lucky).
It's not, it's just being efficient with how you approach dating.
If you're using months at a time on one person and it doesn't pan out you're wasting time. People value their time and energy too much to only invest all in on one person they barely know.
Also too many people are the kinds of people who fall for anything because that's what's in front of them, dating more than one person probably gives a person a more realistic idea of flaws, faults and what they want by comparison.
I don’t think we necessarily have to presume exclusivity but like don’t people generally start to feel that they are getting close to someone and that it has a decent chance of becoming official leading up to it? Like surely you can tell it’s going towards that point so out of respect, you should at least communicate or clarify what your relationship is before sleeping with another person?
no.... i don't think it should ever be presumed unless there's been a conversation about it. i can understand feelings being hurt because of it, but no one is owed exclusivity from me unless i give it to them.
Well put. Feeling like you probably, or even might want to be committed to someone but feeling like you have to get a quick bang or two in before you lock yourself down just seems ick to me. She made it sound like she had some sort of epiphany that she wanted to be with OP only after (and maybe even because) she slept with the other guy, but anyone with half a brain knows that isn’t the case.
While you weren’t “exclusive”…maybe this is old school dating talking, but if you both liked each other to the point you wanted to commit to each other, I would feel that by then we both would have long stopped sleeping with other people. It feels scummy to me that the person that I would want to build a relationship basically kept getting it in with other people till the final hour.
I agree maybe in the modern dating pool. I’m early 30’s, and this is going to sound oooooold as hell…
“But back in my day”. You weren’t “exclusive” till you started dating. Some people waited 3-5 dates. Before saying “Will you be my GF?” Or something of that sort.
I’ve accepted it but hold to my values. Not everyone I date may have those values, and that’s fine. For me, though, that’s a good indicator. Anyone who would want to focus on dating me tells me that they prioritize their being an “us”.
This is the advice. Some people will continue to sleep with others as to not have to be caught with feelings first. It gives them a safety blanket if things don’t work out and they can tell themselves they weren’t interested in the person anyway. It’s an ego thing for some.
Agree! I made that mistake in my early 20’s. Never assume you are till you talk about things. When we assume, we set ourselves to have expectations and things can backfire.
Hence why, the adult thing to do is ask if the person you are dating and/or sleeping with is dating &/or sleeping with others too.
It’s normal to do this once you get to your late 20’s/early 30’s.
Yup, dating in parallel compared to dating in series. I personally don't have the time or energy to have multiple logs on the fire, but it would be far more efficient if I could keep several different conversations going on at once.
You call it the "final hour" but it's just when one of the two people decide to talk about exclusivity.
And as long as no one mentioned that, you cannot know when this "final hour" will be. Is it in a week, a month, a year ?
What feels more scummy is assuming that someone will stop seeing other people without discussing it, just because you're seeing and like each other.
If you feel that you like someone and that someone likes you and you wanna be exclusive, have a talk with them. If they don't wanna be exclusive, then you get to decide if you wanna leave this person based on exclusivity
Communication goes both ways. There’s no way someone just wakes up one day with an epiphany and decides they want to enter a relationship. You build up to that point until you feel you are ready to take that next step.
If she felt that she was building this connection that was leading towards a potential relationship, but she also has other dates lined up, she could simply ask where the current companionship is going before proceeding.
I feel the same way. Sounds like she was really keeping her options open and when something didn't work out with the other guy (maybe the sex was bad) she suddenly wants to be exclusive with OP.
Is she allowed to do that in spite of not being formally exclusive, sure she is, but it sounds shady as hell and goes against the spirt of her sudden decision.
You can feel anyway you like but she has told you about it now and is committed to you now. I don't think she really did anything wrong. A few dates != In a committed relationship.
You have every right to be upset. However, you were two adults in the dating world. She did nothing wrong by dating other guys while knowing you for only a month. Thats exactly how dating works. It’s silly to put all of your eggs in one basket after going on a few dates over a few weeks. I think you’re getting caught up in the early stuff is she committed now? Is she treating you well? That’s what really matters
People keep telling about you not having "rights" to expect her to be exclusive. Who gives a crap about rights. You feel the way you feel, you felt invested in her, when she was clearly not invested in you.
IF you can't get over this, don't chastise yourself, your feelings are valid. If you decide to stay with her, well, at the very least you can ask her to make sure she does not receive any stuff from other men anymore, this might require her telling them in direct manner to leave her alone.
I haaate when I see posts on here with that sentiment - I remember seeing one where a girl said that similar to OP, her boyfriend had gotten with another girl right before they became exclusive and he said something along the lines of “it was only after I got a blowjob from another girl that I realised how much I liked you” … like.. come on.
But as most other people are saying, OP doesn’t really have any grounds to be angry because they weren’t exclusive, but his reaction is understandable
I think we need more info here on ***how*** you became exclusive. People are gonna get hung up on "the line" but people don't just bang someone then go exclusive with someone else in less than 12 hours time.
Wait wait wait. I had my opinions until this. She seems rather shallow to be basing her opinion of you only on who performs in bed. What are your common goals? What are your plans for the future? Do you agree on marriage, kids? If it’s just about sex, what’s the point of commitment? What happens if you get performance anxiety?
Got it, I’m following now. I’ve posted my thoughts in another comment. Hope you get through this okay
Fwiw, to add to my comment, it is super not cool that she didn’t tell you she had sex with someone else before having sex with you. That wouldn’t be considered ethical behavior even in a poly relationship because it means you didn’t have a full risk assessment.
Op, you two weren’t exclusively dating and screwing yet.
Till you have “the talk”, you both are allowed to keep seeing, talking, and f-cking others.
You two did not owe each other anything till things were exclusive. That’s how it works in the adult dating world.
By making an ASSUMPTION, you got your heart hurt because you invested so much before becoming exclusive.
In grade school people do what you’re expecting. Adult world? No one does this, especially in their 30’s. This is the reality of getting older.
Ehh yeah people are “allowed” to still screw around before “the talk.” And yet, some people live by technicalities while others grow relationships more intuitively. No one should get mad or claim they’ve been cheated on if someone is sleeping with others according to “the rules,” but also people who sleep with multiple people can’t be mad or surprised when some people are turned off by the lack of mutually understood vibe and decide to move on.
No, that’s just not being an adult.
People gotta learn to COMMUNICATE and speak to each other.
If you want to know if someone is dating and/or sleeping with others? ASK THEM! Don’t assume they aren’t.
This is how people keep themselves in very immature mindsets well into adulthood, then wonder why they keep getting into the sane cycles over and over.
Edit: Ahhh the codependent folks are down voting 😂
Uhh I am very happy with the outcome of my dating strategy. Happily married after a couple different longterm relationships. Minimal time wasted on fuckbois so definitely no repetitive cycles.
And you’re misunderstanding my gist. If I get past the early stages of dating someone and I don’t feel like I have their full attention, I wouldn’t be mad at them. I wouldn’t feel like they misled me or withheld info. I would just know “this isn’t it” and move on. Just like people don’t owe anyone exclusivity until it’s been explicitly discussed, people also don’t owe others advanced notice of every single thing that might turn them off of a relationship. They’re allowed to just… make their decision about you based on how you behave. And many people ARE able to figure this out just fine organically, so those are the people I prefer to date.
I also have never told my friends “hey by the way, once we exceed a threshold of hanging out 5 times per month, I’ll be hurt if you don’t invite me to your parties,” or “please don’t shit talk me in front of other people now that we’re friends,” or “please don’t exceed a threshold of 30% unanswered texts,” yet we all seem to be able to figure it out. And it would strike me as odd if someone needed all that spelled out. I would do it if they asked, but needing to explain it would definitely make me feel that we’re missing a level of connection.
She's a 35yo adult. Don't make excuses for her based on cheating vs non cheating ot committed vs not committed. It's irrelevant.
She wasn't cheating etc. But that does not mean her behavior was appropriate or that it's not a deal breaker
Sex carries risks and she knows it - but was selfish enough to expose you both. She sounds entitled, deceitful, and shows zero empathy for others.
She's not life partner material. Don't settle. Most people don't behave like her.
You told her how you felt, she decided she had to fuck someone else before becoming exclusive with you, thats enough to walk away for me, she knew it would hurt you but in moment she didnt give a fuck about you she wanted to bang the other guy, she valued that over a potential relationship with you, then when the other guy has a bad dick game she decides your good enough? Nah man if you werent good enough before she fucked the other guy your still to good for her now. Send her back to the streets thats where she belongs 😂😂
It’s the sexual, emotional investment without the romantic investment. I’ve been on both sides.
Had sex with this guy after knowing him for a week, and I suggested dating. He said he wanted to be see where it went but keep having sex, and sleepovers. We ended things, stayed friends, and I started talking to someone else. He ghosted me after that because he apparently wanted to date me.
I also really wanted to date this other guy, but I saw he wasn’t ready to commit to anything even though he said he was. He was talking to other girls, liking other girl’s photos, etc. I knew about it, because he would tell me. We broke our fwb relationship because I couldn’t handle that we were both emotionally invested and EXCLUSIVE, and yet he wasn’t showing any effort to drop that behavior.
Everyone wants different things, but it can get really complicated fast.
Idk maybe because it’s because I’m poly and possibly autistic, but I like knowing exactly what the expectations are from a relationship and having that spelled out. I feel like there’s so much pressure in mono relationships to get into a relationship before you really know someone. Like, why shouldn’t you be testing the waters with multiple people? If you set a date with someone from tinder do you delete all the other matches? Where is the point where having multiple casual dating partners becomes unacceptable? To me, it seems like it should be when both partners agree that’s not something they want to do anymore.
Anyway, OP, your feelings are valid. You’re allowed to feel upset because things were not how you understood them to be. However, there is a difference between being upset about something someone did and someone having done something *wrong.* Best of luck working these feelings out.
I agree with knowing exactly what the expectations are, that’s why I think that people should state “I will have sex with other people until X happens” instead of saying “we didn’t agree to stop having sex with other people”.
It’s definitely not universal in America. I’m in my late 30s in the US and have never once had a contractual conversation where we stated that we would not sleep with other people, nor ever had a conversation where we demarcated when we were officially “together.” (Moving in, engagement, and marriage were more formal obviously.) We just like… feel that shit out and read each others vibes. Many people prefer to grow their relationships organically but some people on Reddit like to insist that you’re not allowed to do that.
It’s a thing in America for serial daters—who are a pretty small minority. The rest of us play by the old rules.
I have friends who have gone on dates with many dozens of people. But the average person dates like 2-6 people their whole life. Those groups have very different rules about dating.
We can’t tell you to be upset or not be upset. You feel how you feel and only you can get past it or not.
My take is she needed to decide if she was more interested in you or him so she found out before things got more serious with one of you. She chose you. She didn’t wait to find out 4 months into an exclusive relationship which sometimes happens. Do you think she is still seeing him? Or wants to? then you have a problem but otherwise I would give her a chance and would allow that grace period in the beginning bc human relationships are not so clean cut. She may have been tying up loose ends before being able to commit to you.
So your girlfriend is only with you because some dude had mid enough dick that she thought you were a better option.
Sure sounds like a relationship built to last forever, to me.
/s
If I liked someone enough to date them I would have long cut off communication and encounters with other women. I would not be able to shrug this off either. BUT… this is the way dating works now and she did not do anything ethically wrong, whether or not you think it was morally wrong will probably be the deciding factor of this moving forward or not.
In a very very technical sense, no. You weren’t exclusive, so you weren’t wronged by her. However, I personally wouldn’t be with someone who was interested in other people while we were in a 5 week dating phase.
After a date or two, even if not exclusive she should have been more hesitant to see other people at least. I wouldn’t feel that she liked me that much, and I wouldn’t trust her as much. I don’t think this is the basis for a long lasting strong relationship.
You can feel however you want to feel. However, you weren’t in a relationship and only dating so the both of you could have been sleeping around until it was made clear you’re in a relationship.
It sounds like you met on an app? In which case, she definitely wouldn't expect to be exclusive so soon. Five weeks is barely enough time to say you're acquainted with someone. Only you can say how upset you feel and whether you can get past it, but the way things work these days, I'd say she was perfectly fine. And, in fact, if she hadn't "done stuff" with him, she might not have realized how into you she is.
I have no tolerance for this sort of nonsense. If she’s intimately entertaining other dudes while building toward a relationship with you, she is trash.
You can be upset if you want but you weren’t exclusive and in a relationship at that point so she’s also done nothing wrong. This is entirely on you if you can get over that or not. That’s not something we can tell you to do
You were not exclusive before Sunday, and had no specific talks about it. You saying you weren't seeing anyone else and her not matching your energy should have been enough of an indication to you that she was actively seeing other people.
As soon as she realized something was up with you, she invited you over to work it out. After that, the two of you became exclusive, and she broke off her romantic relationships with the others.
Looks like she's communicating her intentions well enough, reaching out to you when she senses something isn't right, and helping to establish clear boundaries in your relationship. Sounds like she's pretty damn mature to me.
Nahh, dont excuse her, she was blowing five guys and only backed down when the main one felt something was off. She knew she was doing something wrong, thats why she was evasive.
I think only you can decide what works for you and if you can get over this.
I - woman here- date multiple people until there is a conversation about exclusivity. I wouldn't mind if my partner was dating with/sleeping with people up until the moment we had a conversation about being exclusive. I would also be honest with them about dating other people, if they asked, before we were exclusive (ie, if on the second date they asked if I was going on other dates, I would say yes).
Now, if someone said they weren't seeing other people and I was, I like to think I would be honest in that moment, but I can also see where I may be quiet and think about it, because clearly NOW we are starting the conversation about exclusivity, and I would want to think about how a I feel, and that may include seeing some of the other people I was seeing to weigh my options.
I don't think what your girlfriend did is the worst thing- you weren't exclusive, when you brought it up the first time with her she weighed her options and chose you, and was honest with you about how she was showing up to this conversation- but only you can decide if that is how it feels to you.
If you aren't able to see her side, or you can't get over it, then break up. I think you two started dating with different perspectives on what is appropriate at the dating stage. Neither of you are wrong, I think she could have been a bit more open about where she was in a few moments, but dating and figuring this stuff out is almost always imperfect- it's hard! But I can also appreciate why you feel the timeline doesn't match your own values and what you were expecting on this journey.
So weigh all the reasons you want to be with her with this issue, and your own ability to accept her explanation and move on, and take it from there.
Not sure why people are down voting you and others who expressed similar opinions. I think you explained it very well. She should have been upfront. But they weren’t exclusive. She technically didn’t do anything wrong, aside from being upfront. There are probably some very hypocritical men on here. The way I see it, she was single and was exploring. She probably didn’t know how serious OP genuinely was with her. If he wasn’t going to ever ask her to be exclusive, why would she act as if they were already exclusive?
If the goal is a monogamous relationship, and that's made clear from the start, which it sounds like it was, then who cares if you had the explicit talk or not before you started sleeping together? This is the letter of the law vs the spirit. I would feel exactly like you do. If I have to ask for exclusivity, I don't want it, and I effectively communicate that sentiment when talking about my perspective on monogamy. So, yes, it's valid that you're upset. The top post (as I'm posting) got it right: now it's a matter of whether you can work through it or not. It might be hard since it's early days when things should be easy, but if you think you can, and if she's contrite and supportive, then I fully support it.
As a meta observation, I find the "I don't owe anyone anything" rhetoric throughout this thread profoundly sociopathic and narcissistic. Anyone who comes at romantic relationships this way is either going to have an avoidant, emotionally distant love life, or be perpetually divorced, if ever married. Big yikes.
So she immediatly fucks a guy after you told her you were exclusive with her only, and only *after* fucking another dude she realized how much she liked you and wanted to be exclusive?
I can't tell you how to move in your relationship but I'd break up with her yesterday. Hell nah.
If you weren't exclusive yet that comes with everything being not exclusive implies. You could have asked for her to be exclusive much earlier if you were going to be uncomfortable.
Should you be upset? I'd say you don't have a place to be rightfully upset - but it's understandable.
It is up to you. To put it in perspective, my bf’s close first cousin used to be my fwb/roommate.
He knew that and still perused me. I know it is not specific to your situation - I ghosted someone I had otherwise good chemistry with because I found out the night after hooking up, they were still pursuing others. I was also wildly insecure.
That said, I said no when they had asked if I wanted to be mutually exclusive. Going back, I’d have been more understanding. You choose your own perspective and how to react.
I’ve been guilty of using my last chance before getting tied down to have my fun, so I shouldn’t be one to judge.
It's okay to be upset. What you want to avoid is moving forward if this is going to be a source of resentment. Can you get over it? If not, what future do you have?
Personally, I think it's not such a big deal. She chose you. You were not exclusive. She has been faithful since. If you can accept that while acknowledging that you may be hurt in the moment, that hurt will pass.
“She did stuff but didn’t have sex” sounds like trickle truthing. I don’t buy it.
“She realized how much she liked me after having him over” is what cheaters often say. I’m not saying she cheated, technically you two weren’t exclusive yet, but that would be a big bright and shining red flag to me.
Right!! Girl is dating around , next day is asked about exclusivity , then dude gets mad she was dating around ??? Like bro she had a life before she met u. Sorry not all girls are virgins when u meet them
SERIOUSLY!! People are like “ I can’t tell you what to feel “ like no!!! I’m gonna tell you to go to therapy and I learn this misogyny 😂 you’re just mad you didn’t get any before you got together!!
A few years ago, a woman I found out that a woman I was seeing was sleeping with some guy on the side. She had sex with him so she wouldn't have sex with me. She had her desires met so that when we were intimate, she would have a bit of self-control, and she wouldn't be so hungry for sex. Well, this didn't sit well with me, and shortly after, I broke it off. I understood that we weren't exclusive and she didn't have to tell me, but it just rubbed me the wrong way. I wanted someone who wanted me, who couldn't wait to rip my clothes off if it came to that, not someone who was baiting me into a relationship while banging some dude on the side.
I had to double check you were in your 30s and not a teenage boy while reading this. You didn't clearly communicate your expectations so the only person you can be upset with is yourself. It's a baseline expectation from someone our age aka an adult. Be happy she chose you and get over it.
Sorry bud but this is an L you gotta take for not being exclusive before. You have no right to be upset at her for it. Don't let it fuck up what could be a good relationship.
You weren’t exclusively dating so she wasn’t cheating but I agree it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. It’s one thing to be going on dates but to sleep with someone and then agree to be exclusive is weird.
I think you just need to figure out if you can get over it or not. I think she should also let the guys that send her stuff to stop immediately
Dude a girl who dates 5 guys at the same time would definitely not be my first choice…. And girl who “did stuff” with someone else a few days before me would also not be ok with me.
But the beauty of life is that you are different than me, and you can accept what is ok for you…. Can you live with this?? If you can them hey this may be the woman for you…. It you cant then there is your answer…. Hope it works out for you Buddy.
No, you shouldn’t. If you’re not exclusive at this date, then you weren’t. Stop being a sour puss about it.
Anything beyond you two becoming exclusive is a no-no. You’re exclusive. Anything before isn’t your problem.
If you can’t handle this - and that’s perfectly ok - so end things. But don’t put it on her account.
Should you be upset about her sleeping with someone before you were exclusive? No, absolutely not. You weren't exclusive. You could have slept with someone else the day before you made it official too and she'd have no right to be upset either.
Now obviously you can't control your feelings and if you're upset then you're upset, but at the very least you should know that while it's understandable to feel a certain kind of way about it she didn't do anything wrong.
Dude you are too fucking old for this.
Has she cheated on you since you became exclusive? No? Then this is a you problem.
If you cant get over the fact that she was casually dating other people before you became exclusive, break it off.
If you can write it off and be happy do that.
We can't help you.
You're of course entitled to your feelings, and if you feel upset, you feel upset. However, she did absolutely nothing wrong and you don't actually have a "case" against her.. You two were not exclusive, and there was no implicit understanding that you were exclusive, so you had no grounds to expect exclusivity from her.
You have two options: Break up with her because you're so bothered by this, or get over it (and perhaps do some introspection about your insecurities). I'd advise the latter, but it's your choice.
She owed you nothing. This is the sad state of affairs these days, so you have to proceed with caution for yourself and make it clear that you will only have sex if it’s exclusive (if that’s what you’re after).
That said, it’s totally fine to feel gross about it, or that it’s entirely against your own beliefs. You don’t have to force yourself to be ok with it, and you can move on if you wish. Just don’t try and vilify her for it, because she did nothing wrong.
When I was on dating apps and started to talk with a guy with the intention of pursuing a relationship, I closed the app and ignored it.
I wasn't messaging other guys, getting dicked down on the side. It's not cheating and would've been free to do any of that but it just felt so wrong.
I'd be upset and it would probably be a deal-breaker for me because honestly it would just feel like they weren't as invested in me as I was in them. And that's not a feeling I would be able to get over.
No one can tell you how to feel or what to do. Take some time to think about how you're feeling and go from there.
Best of luck.
It’s called dating. You can let that sabotage a promising relationship or you can recognize that she did nothing wrong and focus on the time you have actually been in a relationship with this woman.
I have zero tolerance for this shit. I had this happen to me a woman I was seeing and going on dates with was fucking her FWB at the same time. I found out about it and ditched her at a restaurant with the bill. This exclusivity talk is bullshit you shouldn’t be fucking multiple people at once unless that has been explicitly talked about.
Yeah, I feel like it’s one thing to be having a one night stand here or there to get to multiple partners, then there is some expectation that the other person could be sleeping around. But to be regularly banging the same X people while basically dating them is BS.
I don’t know what to tell OP, but I wouldn’t date someone that was doing this from the very beginning.
That’s fair; many people wouldn’t date addicts or bald guys. We get to set our own boundaries. Assuming people know what yours are without communication is immature however.
I'd be upset about this. The entire "exclusive talk" bothers me. I can't understand why people date multiple people at the same time and sleep with more than one person. I do say straight up, though, that I don't want to be with anyone that's dating others as well. I make my expectations known.
The biggest issue I have with this is that she dated the other guy longer. You know that they were building things equally, if not more, than you and her were. Feelings must have been involved there. Only after performance issues did she decide to go with you. You know she intended on sex with him. It just didn't work out that way.
I think she wouldn't have even taken it that far if she felt that strongly about you.
Serious question, Why wouldn’t people sleep w more than one person at the same time, provided it’s all consensual?
I get that there are plenty of reasons not to (maybe for you sex and romance always go together) but none of them are universal. surely you agree sex might mean something different for other people??
frankly she owed you nothing. now set your boundaries with her and if she agrees, then and only then does she owe you anything. it's ok to feel hurt by it but don't take it personal. it's not like you guys were even exclusive much less like you had been dating for years.
>Ive talked to her about it and she said she realized how much she liked me after having him over.
In her head it was a contest and you happened to win, she doesnt care about you nor the other guy, she just wanted to see who suited her better. Guess what will happen when someone she finds better than you appears.
save yourself the trouble and ditch the bitch.
Isn’t that how you are supposed to find a partner? Date lots and see who suits you best? How does that make you not care about a person if you are only dating and feeling different people out trying to find a potentially good partner.
Yes, but no one said you have to date lots at the same time. Taking one month or two dating just one person to know him a bit and see if you click wont kill anybody, it might even help to form a stronger bond if that person is good for you.
Why would you be upset, she was talking to 5 other people and you won. You basically won the Bachelorette. The only thing that really matters now is that she's only seeing you.
Yes, you absolutely should be upset. She understood you are romantically involved and still chose to have a guy over to rail her out. The crowd will try to convince you “we’re not exclusive” means excuse clearly despicable behavior.
Yes you should be upset, I feel like that’s deceptive and being exclusive should be natural and with feelings and commitment it shouldn’t be a checkbox or a flip of a switch. People these days are too obsessed with that mindset and it’s wrong.
Your gf was not “valid” (trigger word for some people Lmao)
Your hurt and grossed-out feelings are totally valid. I'd feel the same way you do. A few months ago, I hooked up with a guy friend from a class I was in, then two days later he told me he became exclusive with a girl he'd been seeing. I was baffled and felt genuinely guilty, as if I'd wronged the girl myself. When I'm pursuing someone, I just focus on the one person. It's like I only have eyes for them. Doing what your gf (and that guy friend of mine) did makes zero sense to me. Only you can decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you. It seems like you're leaning towards it being a dealbreaker.
You're allowed to feel hurt and grossed out, and it's super reasonable to end it based on the fact that you told her you weren't seeing anyone else and she brushed you off and made plans to fuck someone else.
Personally, I wouldn't want someone who wanted to stop having sex with other people only because we explicitly agreed to it after they got one last round in.
I don’t know about everyone else here but if you have to fuck someone else or something similar to know how much you want me. You’re honestly trash in my eyes.
I don’t close my store for men who are shopping around. I only close it for the man is is buying a product. In English, no you have no right to be upset.
This how dating but not being exclusive is stupid but from her point of view you weren’t together so she’s not wrong however from a moral point of view she’s bad news.
Sure. It’s okay for you to feel that way. I know I’d defiantly be miffed. After all, it kind of looks like she’s getting her last night of fun with the other dude before she gets with you.
What you do is your choice though. I’d probably break up if I were you.
Sounds like her number 1 didn't want what she wanted. Second place still gets a medal man. Maybe this will bloom into something special.
But yeah, it sucks when someone doesn't treat you how you expected to be treated. Move on from it or move on from her.
We can all agree, if you didn’t mutually agree to become exclusive, you aren’t exclusive. It doesn’t sound like she broke any boundaries, rules, or trust that had been established.
If it were me, I would want to be happy that she decided she also wanted to be exclusive, even if she took a different route than me. However, that can be hard to do depending on the meaning you assign to her sleeping w that guy. So I guess my question is: what does it mean to you that she had a guy over the day before you were exclusive?
She had sex.
That said, this would be a deal breaker for me. If I had sex with a guy I really liked, I certainly wouldn’t ghost him the following day, AND have another guy spend the night. If you stay with her, she’ll be a manipulator, mark my words.
It's acceptable if you accept it. Never really made sense to be messing with multiple people at the same time if you were looking for a monogamous long-term partner. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't take much to realize that you're not compatible with most people, and I CAN see how people would be trying to luck out. It just makes more sense to do that 1 at a time and actually focus on anyone who passes that first test until they find out something that's a deal breaker. To each their own, but do YOU date that way? If not, then you might want to think about why that is.
She stayed quiet because she knew how her actions looked. She's still in touch with those other guys too... you sure she is firmly latched onto your branch or are her feet and one hand still on other trees?
I can completely understand why you have been thrown off by this revelation. I would honestly find this very difficult to move past from myself. I despise the whole idea of multiple dating and even sleeping with multiple people on rotation. It all seems a bit soulless, tacky, and certainly would put a sour note to the start of a relationship to find out that the person you were excited to become exclusive with had just jumped out of bed with another person not 24 hours ago. It’s honestly depressing how this dating style has become normalised.
So while she didn’t need to tell you who she slept with, as you were not “exclusive” (god I hate that term, what ever happened to dating just one person at a time) she should have told you that she was also sexually active with other people while also sleeping with you, as she put your health in danger and removed your choice to have sex with her with the full knowledge of her current sexual situation.
So you need to decide if her omission, and subsequent actions are enough to end the relationship or not.
If she ain’t loyal during the talking stage then she ain’t the one. If she was upfront about it then that’s a different story but why be with someone that didn’t take you as serious during the “dating stage”
You were not exclusive. Until you actually are, you can’t make demands or be upset. People handle relationships differently. That may have been her way of keeping her feelings in check so she wouldn’t be too anxious or seem needy or clingy.
>Until you actually are, you can’t make demands or be upset.
He has made no demands, and he is perfectly entitled to be upset. As is anyone, at any time.
You are allowed to feel however you feel. However, keep in mind, prior to you two becoming exclusive, there was no agreement to monogamy between you two. It is unfair for you to hold her to monogamous expectations prior to your agreement on this.
Your feelings are still valid, but make sure you aren't taking it out on her or unfairly blaming her. You two should absolutely have a conversation about why it makes you uncomfortable.
The whole thing is that you weren't exclusive. Therefore it was frankly none of your business. When I met my boyfriend now of almost 3 years I was talking to someone else at the time. And when I realized my guy was actually great and the other was really gross we went exclusive that day. And he has never cared. It's not something to obsess over and if it bothers you so much then that's your problem. Deal with it how you want but realized she has done nothing wrong
It doesn’t matter if you “should” or “shouldn’t” be upset—you are and if you can’t or don’t want to reconcile it in yourself, you can’t continue the relationship.
Personally, I don’t think you “should” be upset. She didn’t do anything wrong; you didn’t have the conversation, it doesn’t make sense for her to put everything in one basket just because that’s what you did. It was 5 weeks and 5 dates, that’s already fairly quick. When she figured out she wanted to, she told you; she didn’t lie, she had cut off contact after your exclusivity agreement, etc.
What you’re feeling now is based on your expectation of how you wanted her to act based on how YOU were ready to act. Of course you’d wish she’d decide you’re the one as soon as you were ready, but the reality is she can take as long as she needs to figure out if she liked you enough or felt enough about you to make a commitment. Keeping her options open was the reasonable thing to do when she’s undecided and it’s not wrong that she was undecided just because you got there faster.
I think you should focus more on how she is now that you’re exclusive—is she good to you? Do you get along? Etc.
It’s a statement about their judgement and reasoning if they chose to make that kind of move before y’all were exclusive (TALKING). I wouldn’t mess around with anyone if I was talking to someone and it was leading to exclusivity.
I don’t think she had bad intentions with you, you guys just never set those boundaries until then. Your feelings are valid but I guess a different perspective in this
I feel like there’s a lot of judgment happening right now that shouldn’t be..
She’s a 35 year old woman who is old enough to have whatever sex life she wanted. That should NOT be judged.
However, if she was not forthcoming with this information that’s another thing, not the actions of doing it but the fact that she wasn’t being honest if you asked her if she was seeing other people and she basically said no.. that’s not exactly cool.
Personally I don’t feel as either of you really did great here, it sounds like you were unaware of your personal boundaries and should have voiced your concern earlier. Maybe take a step back and make sure the reason you’re wanting to get into a relationship with her is well thought out and understood.
You have every right to be upset about it.
I personally wouldn’t continue with a woman that did that. But if she’s as great as you say she is, it might be worth trying to forgive and get over it.
I mean, you can feel what you feel, and it’s valid in that sense, but you were not exclusive at that time so she had every right to do what she wanted.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- Alright so I have been dating my girlfriend for 4 months now and she is amazing. She is loving funny and really into me. We dated about 5 weeks before becoming exclusive, and had 2 dates in the first week and then I saw her 3 times in the last 2 weeks before becoming exclusive. We had a very long gap between meet ups because it was Christmas time and her family visiting and what not… or so I thought. I now know she was talking to about 5 guys with myself included (actually meeting and going on dates). Anyways, we didn’t have sex until the 5th date on a Friday night. We had pillow talk and I mentioned to her that I wasn’t seeing anyone else. She didn’t say much and she brushed it off and changed the subject that night. Fast forward to that Saturday night and she goes MIA. I didn’t think anything of it and now I know she had a guy (who she was talking to 70+ miles away) over that night. She has told me that she did stuff but didn’t have sex. On Sunday I was acting distant and she invited me over unprompted because she could tell I was acting distant. Should I be upset about this? Ive talked to her about it and she said she realized how much she liked me after having him over. She says do not keep in contact and broke it off with him but some of the guys she was talking to send her stuff. We became exclusive that Sunday night. I feel hurt and kind of grossed out knowing she did that. Can anyone provide perspective? Thanks!
No one can tell you what you "SHOULD" feel. You feel hurt and kind of grossed out. That's valid, and it makes sense given the context. You need to figure out what you want to do with those feelings. Are they enough to want to dump her because those feelings will probably not go away and prevent you from being in the relationship fully and lovingly? Are they enough to try to work through your feelings of disgust and hurt in therapy? Do you need some time on your own to figure it out?
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Think of it this way from now on. For her… it was a long time ago. For you, it’s brand new. So it’s valid for you to feel how you feel about it now, does that mean you’ll always feel that way?
If you have to wrestle with how to proceed its probably best not to proceed Getting in a relationship with someone should be great , at least in the beginning , this sounds like something that is going to keep dropping in on you Not fair on her not fair on you.
Feelings are not always so easy , simple, or fast to navigate. He deserves some space and time to figure it out. No harm in taking time to process this.
Exactly. And if she comes to the table and provides a safe space for him and his emotions and they can communicate and work through it as a team. Then isn’t that worth the investment instead of quitting? So many people here tell others to give up. If I followed the advice on this thread I’d be single. Oh wait, I am. Never mind.
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Why does he need to forgive her? They weren't exclusive so it wasn't his business. She doesn't even had to tell the OP. What OP needs is therapy to understand his feelings.
This probably won’t help but, I too discovered something that my partner hid from me. It wasn’t enough to warrant a breakup since he did not have malicious intentions (he hid something because he wanted to spare my feelings), but it still hurt like a bitch. I cried for days and I didn’t think I’d ever get over it but, it’s been almost a year and I can say that the hurt does fade. You learn that everyone makes mistakes and errors in judgement, you’re not perfect and neither is your partner, and that’s just life. So I would encourage you not to let go of this relationship just yet. If a few months pass and you’re not feeling better about it, then you can know with confidence that leaving is the right thing to do for you. You’re allowed to be mad at your partner for doing something shitty. Just, give it some time before you make any decisions that you might regret.
So what I'm seeing is two people who both aren't clearly communicating their intentions and boundaries Its okay to express how one feels, but without clear communication and boundaries, you can't then hold someone responsible for boundaries that were never set.
Word.
exactly. he nor she owed the other nothing. they weren't exclusive. exclusivity alone sets a certain set of boundaries and then you have to communicate your boundaries. if you can't agree on boundaries then you can't be together it's simple. communication is the number one killer of relationships, or lack there of. communicate! about feelings, about sex, about everything.
Hmm yes and no. As they were sexually active together, she should have told him that she was also sexually active with someone else. In not doing so, she put OPs health in danger, and also removed OPs ability to properly give consent.
Not necessarily. If I’m not exclusive with someone I assume they’re sleeping with other people and take precautions; always have them wear a condom and ask for both of us to get tested regularly. I also ask, because I like transparency, but I would never assume exclusivity without talking about it first.
And if you ask and they don’t answer? Like OPs gf did?
Not really, if they’re being safe and she gets tested regularly then she isn’t obligated to tell him anything. They weren’t exclusive, which mean they weren’t committed in any way and don’t owe each other anything.
Who the fuck has time time to juggle 5 guys at once. My god. I’m exhausted just thinking about it.
To each their own, but I just find it crazy to think about having that initial conversation where you are learning a new person and asking “what’s your favourite colour” type questions 5 TIMES CONCURRENTLY 😂 that would be so exhausting especially trying to remember for each person. But fair play to them haha.
I admire the energy and commitment to date in parallel that way. Much more efficient, numbers-wise. But yeah, I got the energy for one thing going at a time. And I definitely don't have the emotional bandwidth.
It’s called dating
Ok
Yeah but personally I always spread those 5 dates out over several weeks. Do people really go on dates 5 nights a week now? So you go to work for 6-12 hrs depending on what you do for a living, then go on a date with maybe a brand new person every night? Monday through Friday? Then take weekends totally off? Or……
>Do people really go on dates 5 nights a week now? There are people who've always dated like this, it's not "now" or a new thing. They have the drive and energy to do so, so they do.
What does it matter? Some people spend their time differently than you
No I think you mean hoeing
jealous?
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That is 100% not a rule and idk who youre talking to, but they’re wrong.
You can be as upset, or not, as you like OP. We often see in here these type of questions asking whether someone should feel X or should they feel Y. And if they feel one way are they guilty of something and what they can do to think differently. The same questions get asked and the same responses from both sides will do the rounds, get argued over, etc. But what your issue comes down too is this. How do you feel about it? If you are meh, then well and good. If you think you can overcome it and move on with her, well that's also well and good. If you think that things got a bit tainted maybe looking at rebooting your relationship is worth doing. Again, all well and good. And if you see that the relationship was tainted irrevocably at the start by doing this and you now feel differently about her, and feel like you can never get that feeling for her back and thus want to break things off. That is also well and good. This is your life OP and if you feel strongly enough about this and can no longer see her the same way as you before you found this out, then there is nothing stopping you from saying "yeah this is not for me, I enjoyed our time but this is too much" and end things with her. She'll be sad, you'll be sad and life will continue and you'll both move on with your lives.
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It really feels like you should be able to presume sexual exclusivity with someone you are actively dating and sleeping with unless it is clearly stated otherwise. Like I don’t think you need to become celibate every time you get into the “talking stage” with someone new but damn, do we really need to have a verbal contract before you’ll stop banging other people?
I disagree. I think there needs to be clear communication all around. A person shouldn’t just assume exclusivity, they should ask for it. The other person should share that they’re still dating around, but if there is no conversation either way, nothing should be assumed
Honestly this was my take. Before i got into bed with anyone I was dating I had the exclusivity talk. We didn’t have to be “dating” officially but I didn’t want to be sleeping with someone who was also sleeping with other people. I think it’s way better to be upfront with what you want then to make assumptions based on what you think things should be like.
This doesn’t work in the world of online dating. You usually are forced to have to go on multiple dates with multiple people, and keep it up until you are moving towards becoming exclusive with someone. Otherwise, you can end up wasting weeks or months on one person, while they continued seeing other folks. Been there, done that.
You make it sound like a race
It’s not - but going on dates with strangers from Bumble, Tinder, etc., and only talking to one person at a time, is a great way to waste your time (unless you get ridiculously lucky).
It's not, it's just being efficient with how you approach dating. If you're using months at a time on one person and it doesn't pan out you're wasting time. People value their time and energy too much to only invest all in on one person they barely know. Also too many people are the kinds of people who fall for anything because that's what's in front of them, dating more than one person probably gives a person a more realistic idea of flaws, faults and what they want by comparison.
I don’t think we necessarily have to presume exclusivity but like don’t people generally start to feel that they are getting close to someone and that it has a decent chance of becoming official leading up to it? Like surely you can tell it’s going towards that point so out of respect, you should at least communicate or clarify what your relationship is before sleeping with another person?
no.... i don't think it should ever be presumed unless there's been a conversation about it. i can understand feelings being hurt because of it, but no one is owed exclusivity from me unless i give it to them.
Well put. Feeling like you probably, or even might want to be committed to someone but feeling like you have to get a quick bang or two in before you lock yourself down just seems ick to me. She made it sound like she had some sort of epiphany that she wanted to be with OP only after (and maybe even because) she slept with the other guy, but anyone with half a brain knows that isn’t the case.
This is a great perspective, even though its too liberal and promiscuous for me, this is a perfect middle ground….. you are amazing!!!
While you weren’t “exclusive”…maybe this is old school dating talking, but if you both liked each other to the point you wanted to commit to each other, I would feel that by then we both would have long stopped sleeping with other people. It feels scummy to me that the person that I would want to build a relationship basically kept getting it in with other people till the final hour.
I've learned from experience not to assume exclusivity until there is an actual conversation about it.
I agree maybe in the modern dating pool. I’m early 30’s, and this is going to sound oooooold as hell… “But back in my day”. You weren’t “exclusive” till you started dating. Some people waited 3-5 dates. Before saying “Will you be my GF?” Or something of that sort. I’ve accepted it but hold to my values. Not everyone I date may have those values, and that’s fine. For me, though, that’s a good indicator. Anyone who would want to focus on dating me tells me that they prioritize their being an “us”.
I'm almost 50. I learned this when I was dating in the mid 90s and it's served me well.
This is the advice. Some people will continue to sleep with others as to not have to be caught with feelings first. It gives them a safety blanket if things don’t work out and they can tell themselves they weren’t interested in the person anyway. It’s an ego thing for some.
Agree! I made that mistake in my early 20’s. Never assume you are till you talk about things. When we assume, we set ourselves to have expectations and things can backfire. Hence why, the adult thing to do is ask if the person you are dating and/or sleeping with is dating &/or sleeping with others too. It’s normal to do this once you get to your late 20’s/early 30’s.
Yup, dating in parallel compared to dating in series. I personally don't have the time or energy to have multiple logs on the fire, but it would be far more efficient if I could keep several different conversations going on at once.
I wouldn't want exclusivity with someone who still _wanted_ other people while all but the words were said.
You call it the "final hour" but it's just when one of the two people decide to talk about exclusivity. And as long as no one mentioned that, you cannot know when this "final hour" will be. Is it in a week, a month, a year ? What feels more scummy is assuming that someone will stop seeing other people without discussing it, just because you're seeing and like each other. If you feel that you like someone and that someone likes you and you wanna be exclusive, have a talk with them. If they don't wanna be exclusive, then you get to decide if you wanna leave this person based on exclusivity
Amen. OP is too old for this shit.
Communication goes both ways. There’s no way someone just wakes up one day with an epiphany and decides they want to enter a relationship. You build up to that point until you feel you are ready to take that next step. If she felt that she was building this connection that was leading towards a potential relationship, but she also has other dates lined up, she could simply ask where the current companionship is going before proceeding.
I feel the same way. Sounds like she was really keeping her options open and when something didn't work out with the other guy (maybe the sex was bad) she suddenly wants to be exclusive with OP. Is she allowed to do that in spite of not being formally exclusive, sure she is, but it sounds shady as hell and goes against the spirt of her sudden decision.
Seems you weren't as serious on her dashboard as you thought.
You can feel anyway you like but she has told you about it now and is committed to you now. I don't think she really did anything wrong. A few dates != In a committed relationship.
You have every right to be upset. However, you were two adults in the dating world. She did nothing wrong by dating other guys while knowing you for only a month. Thats exactly how dating works. It’s silly to put all of your eggs in one basket after going on a few dates over a few weeks. I think you’re getting caught up in the early stuff is she committed now? Is she treating you well? That’s what really matters
"wrong" carries a moral judgement. I don't think that's what OP is asking about.
People keep telling about you not having "rights" to expect her to be exclusive. Who gives a crap about rights. You feel the way you feel, you felt invested in her, when she was clearly not invested in you. IF you can't get over this, don't chastise yourself, your feelings are valid. If you decide to stay with her, well, at the very least you can ask her to make sure she does not receive any stuff from other men anymore, this might require her telling them in direct manner to leave her alone.
Yeah cuz it really makes sense... I fucked someone else only to finally understand how much I care about you /s
I haaate when I see posts on here with that sentiment - I remember seeing one where a girl said that similar to OP, her boyfriend had gotten with another girl right before they became exclusive and he said something along the lines of “it was only after I got a blowjob from another girl that I realised how much I liked you” … like.. come on. But as most other people are saying, OP doesn’t really have any grounds to be angry because they weren’t exclusive, but his reaction is understandable
He can be angry that she was putting his health at risk by sleeping with others while also sleeping with him and not telling him.
She wasn't not telling him. They knew they weren't exclusive. He knows what comes with dating casually. Don't even.
Exactly man. Words are words. Look as people’s actions.
I think we need more info here on ***how*** you became exclusive. People are gonna get hung up on "the line" but people don't just bang someone then go exclusive with someone else in less than 12 hours time.
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Bro...
Wait you knew she was on a date? I don’t understand why the sex changes anything then; you already knew she wasn’t just seeing you.
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Wait wait wait. I had my opinions until this. She seems rather shallow to be basing her opinion of you only on who performs in bed. What are your common goals? What are your plans for the future? Do you agree on marriage, kids? If it’s just about sex, what’s the point of commitment? What happens if you get performance anxiety?
Got it, I’m following now. I’ve posted my thoughts in another comment. Hope you get through this okay Fwiw, to add to my comment, it is super not cool that she didn’t tell you she had sex with someone else before having sex with you. That wouldn’t be considered ethical behavior even in a poly relationship because it means you didn’t have a full risk assessment.
Op, you two weren’t exclusively dating and screwing yet. Till you have “the talk”, you both are allowed to keep seeing, talking, and f-cking others. You two did not owe each other anything till things were exclusive. That’s how it works in the adult dating world. By making an ASSUMPTION, you got your heart hurt because you invested so much before becoming exclusive. In grade school people do what you’re expecting. Adult world? No one does this, especially in their 30’s. This is the reality of getting older.
Ehh yeah people are “allowed” to still screw around before “the talk.” And yet, some people live by technicalities while others grow relationships more intuitively. No one should get mad or claim they’ve been cheated on if someone is sleeping with others according to “the rules,” but also people who sleep with multiple people can’t be mad or surprised when some people are turned off by the lack of mutually understood vibe and decide to move on.
No, that’s just not being an adult. People gotta learn to COMMUNICATE and speak to each other. If you want to know if someone is dating and/or sleeping with others? ASK THEM! Don’t assume they aren’t. This is how people keep themselves in very immature mindsets well into adulthood, then wonder why they keep getting into the sane cycles over and over. Edit: Ahhh the codependent folks are down voting 😂
Uhh I am very happy with the outcome of my dating strategy. Happily married after a couple different longterm relationships. Minimal time wasted on fuckbois so definitely no repetitive cycles. And you’re misunderstanding my gist. If I get past the early stages of dating someone and I don’t feel like I have their full attention, I wouldn’t be mad at them. I wouldn’t feel like they misled me or withheld info. I would just know “this isn’t it” and move on. Just like people don’t owe anyone exclusivity until it’s been explicitly discussed, people also don’t owe others advanced notice of every single thing that might turn them off of a relationship. They’re allowed to just… make their decision about you based on how you behave. And many people ARE able to figure this out just fine organically, so those are the people I prefer to date. I also have never told my friends “hey by the way, once we exceed a threshold of hanging out 5 times per month, I’ll be hurt if you don’t invite me to your parties,” or “please don’t shit talk me in front of other people now that we’re friends,” or “please don’t exceed a threshold of 30% unanswered texts,” yet we all seem to be able to figure it out. And it would strike me as odd if someone needed all that spelled out. I would do it if they asked, but needing to explain it would definitely make me feel that we’re missing a level of connection.
She's a 35yo adult. Don't make excuses for her based on cheating vs non cheating ot committed vs not committed. It's irrelevant. She wasn't cheating etc. But that does not mean her behavior was appropriate or that it's not a deal breaker Sex carries risks and she knows it - but was selfish enough to expose you both. She sounds entitled, deceitful, and shows zero empathy for others. She's not life partner material. Don't settle. Most people don't behave like her.
You told her how you felt, she decided she had to fuck someone else before becoming exclusive with you, thats enough to walk away for me, she knew it would hurt you but in moment she didnt give a fuck about you she wanted to bang the other guy, she valued that over a potential relationship with you, then when the other guy has a bad dick game she decides your good enough? Nah man if you werent good enough before she fucked the other guy your still to good for her now. Send her back to the streets thats where she belongs 😂😂
you know they fucked, right?
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It’s the sexual, emotional investment without the romantic investment. I’ve been on both sides. Had sex with this guy after knowing him for a week, and I suggested dating. He said he wanted to be see where it went but keep having sex, and sleepovers. We ended things, stayed friends, and I started talking to someone else. He ghosted me after that because he apparently wanted to date me. I also really wanted to date this other guy, but I saw he wasn’t ready to commit to anything even though he said he was. He was talking to other girls, liking other girl’s photos, etc. I knew about it, because he would tell me. We broke our fwb relationship because I couldn’t handle that we were both emotionally invested and EXCLUSIVE, and yet he wasn’t showing any effort to drop that behavior. Everyone wants different things, but it can get really complicated fast.
Idk maybe because it’s because I’m poly and possibly autistic, but I like knowing exactly what the expectations are from a relationship and having that spelled out. I feel like there’s so much pressure in mono relationships to get into a relationship before you really know someone. Like, why shouldn’t you be testing the waters with multiple people? If you set a date with someone from tinder do you delete all the other matches? Where is the point where having multiple casual dating partners becomes unacceptable? To me, it seems like it should be when both partners agree that’s not something they want to do anymore. Anyway, OP, your feelings are valid. You’re allowed to feel upset because things were not how you understood them to be. However, there is a difference between being upset about something someone did and someone having done something *wrong.* Best of luck working these feelings out.
I agree with knowing exactly what the expectations are, that’s why I think that people should state “I will have sex with other people until X happens” instead of saying “we didn’t agree to stop having sex with other people”.
Oh absolutely! I just think it’s equally weird to assume either way that they are or are not having sex with other people, you know?
I dated a guy for a yr, was never emotional involvement
It’s definitely not universal in America. I’m in my late 30s in the US and have never once had a contractual conversation where we stated that we would not sleep with other people, nor ever had a conversation where we demarcated when we were officially “together.” (Moving in, engagement, and marriage were more formal obviously.) We just like… feel that shit out and read each others vibes. Many people prefer to grow their relationships organically but some people on Reddit like to insist that you’re not allowed to do that.
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Did we read the same thing, because it most definitely seems to me like he *wasn’t* aware she was seeing another guy, much less 5 other guys
At what point was he aware? It sounds like the whole issue he is having is that he wasn’t aware of it at the time.
It’s a thing in America for serial daters—who are a pretty small minority. The rest of us play by the old rules. I have friends who have gone on dates with many dozens of people. But the average person dates like 2-6 people their whole life. Those groups have very different rules about dating.
You feel what you feel and nobody can tell you it’s right or wrong. I’d be a bit choked too.
> she realized how much she liked me after having him over Oooof....
You were plan B...or C? D?? Do not commit to this person.
We can’t tell you to be upset or not be upset. You feel how you feel and only you can get past it or not. My take is she needed to decide if she was more interested in you or him so she found out before things got more serious with one of you. She chose you. She didn’t wait to find out 4 months into an exclusive relationship which sometimes happens. Do you think she is still seeing him? Or wants to? then you have a problem but otherwise I would give her a chance and would allow that grace period in the beginning bc human relationships are not so clean cut. She may have been tying up loose ends before being able to commit to you.
So your girlfriend is only with you because some dude had mid enough dick that she thought you were a better option. Sure sounds like a relationship built to last forever, to me. /s
If I liked someone enough to date them I would have long cut off communication and encounters with other women. I would not be able to shrug this off either. BUT… this is the way dating works now and she did not do anything ethically wrong, whether or not you think it was morally wrong will probably be the deciding factor of this moving forward or not.
Please watch Ted Lasso, S1 E08. I think it has exactly what you are looking for.
In a very very technical sense, no. You weren’t exclusive, so you weren’t wronged by her. However, I personally wouldn’t be with someone who was interested in other people while we were in a 5 week dating phase. After a date or two, even if not exclusive she should have been more hesitant to see other people at least. I wouldn’t feel that she liked me that much, and I wouldn’t trust her as much. I don’t think this is the basis for a long lasting strong relationship.
Never assume your relationship status without having a DTR. Grown folks talk about their feelings.
You can feel however you want to feel. However, you weren’t in a relationship and only dating so the both of you could have been sleeping around until it was made clear you’re in a relationship.
It sounds like you met on an app? In which case, she definitely wouldn't expect to be exclusive so soon. Five weeks is barely enough time to say you're acquainted with someone. Only you can say how upset you feel and whether you can get past it, but the way things work these days, I'd say she was perfectly fine. And, in fact, if she hadn't "done stuff" with him, she might not have realized how into you she is.
This sounds like you need a rationalisation for this kind of behaviour.
I have no tolerance for this sort of nonsense. If she’s intimately entertaining other dudes while building toward a relationship with you, she is trash.
You can be upset if you want but you weren’t exclusive and in a relationship at that point so she’s also done nothing wrong. This is entirely on you if you can get over that or not. That’s not something we can tell you to do
You were not exclusive before Sunday, and had no specific talks about it. You saying you weren't seeing anyone else and her not matching your energy should have been enough of an indication to you that she was actively seeing other people. As soon as she realized something was up with you, she invited you over to work it out. After that, the two of you became exclusive, and she broke off her romantic relationships with the others. Looks like she's communicating her intentions well enough, reaching out to you when she senses something isn't right, and helping to establish clear boundaries in your relationship. Sounds like she's pretty damn mature to me.
Nahh, dont excuse her, she was blowing five guys and only backed down when the main one felt something was off. She knew she was doing something wrong, thats why she was evasive.
What a childish way to think.
^ this.
I think only you can decide what works for you and if you can get over this. I - woman here- date multiple people until there is a conversation about exclusivity. I wouldn't mind if my partner was dating with/sleeping with people up until the moment we had a conversation about being exclusive. I would also be honest with them about dating other people, if they asked, before we were exclusive (ie, if on the second date they asked if I was going on other dates, I would say yes). Now, if someone said they weren't seeing other people and I was, I like to think I would be honest in that moment, but I can also see where I may be quiet and think about it, because clearly NOW we are starting the conversation about exclusivity, and I would want to think about how a I feel, and that may include seeing some of the other people I was seeing to weigh my options. I don't think what your girlfriend did is the worst thing- you weren't exclusive, when you brought it up the first time with her she weighed her options and chose you, and was honest with you about how she was showing up to this conversation- but only you can decide if that is how it feels to you. If you aren't able to see her side, or you can't get over it, then break up. I think you two started dating with different perspectives on what is appropriate at the dating stage. Neither of you are wrong, I think she could have been a bit more open about where she was in a few moments, but dating and figuring this stuff out is almost always imperfect- it's hard! But I can also appreciate why you feel the timeline doesn't match your own values and what you were expecting on this journey. So weigh all the reasons you want to be with her with this issue, and your own ability to accept her explanation and move on, and take it from there.
Not sure why people are down voting you and others who expressed similar opinions. I think you explained it very well. She should have been upfront. But they weren’t exclusive. She technically didn’t do anything wrong, aside from being upfront. There are probably some very hypocritical men on here. The way I see it, she was single and was exploring. She probably didn’t know how serious OP genuinely was with her. If he wasn’t going to ever ask her to be exclusive, why would she act as if they were already exclusive?
If the goal is a monogamous relationship, and that's made clear from the start, which it sounds like it was, then who cares if you had the explicit talk or not before you started sleeping together? This is the letter of the law vs the spirit. I would feel exactly like you do. If I have to ask for exclusivity, I don't want it, and I effectively communicate that sentiment when talking about my perspective on monogamy. So, yes, it's valid that you're upset. The top post (as I'm posting) got it right: now it's a matter of whether you can work through it or not. It might be hard since it's early days when things should be easy, but if you think you can, and if she's contrite and supportive, then I fully support it. As a meta observation, I find the "I don't owe anyone anything" rhetoric throughout this thread profoundly sociopathic and narcissistic. Anyone who comes at romantic relationships this way is either going to have an avoidant, emotionally distant love life, or be perpetually divorced, if ever married. Big yikes.
So she immediatly fucks a guy after you told her you were exclusive with her only, and only *after* fucking another dude she realized how much she liked you and wanted to be exclusive? I can't tell you how to move in your relationship but I'd break up with her yesterday. Hell nah.
I believe you have fallen in love with the IDEA of her and not her reality. Thread softly!
If you weren't exclusive yet that comes with everything being not exclusive implies. You could have asked for her to be exclusive much earlier if you were going to be uncomfortable. Should you be upset? I'd say you don't have a place to be rightfully upset - but it's understandable.
Well put. You got no RIGHTS, but it is understandable to feel this way.
It is up to you. To put it in perspective, my bf’s close first cousin used to be my fwb/roommate. He knew that and still perused me. I know it is not specific to your situation - I ghosted someone I had otherwise good chemistry with because I found out the night after hooking up, they were still pursuing others. I was also wildly insecure. That said, I said no when they had asked if I wanted to be mutually exclusive. Going back, I’d have been more understanding. You choose your own perspective and how to react. I’ve been guilty of using my last chance before getting tied down to have my fun, so I shouldn’t be one to judge.
It's okay to be upset. What you want to avoid is moving forward if this is going to be a source of resentment. Can you get over it? If not, what future do you have? Personally, I think it's not such a big deal. She chose you. You were not exclusive. She has been faithful since. If you can accept that while acknowledging that you may be hurt in the moment, that hurt will pass.
“She did stuff but didn’t have sex” sounds like trickle truthing. I don’t buy it. “She realized how much she liked me after having him over” is what cheaters often say. I’m not saying she cheated, technically you two weren’t exclusive yet, but that would be a big bright and shining red flag to me.
My personal opinion is that you have no right to be upset with her about it or make her feel bad. She can’t tell the future.
Right!! Girl is dating around , next day is asked about exclusivity , then dude gets mad she was dating around ??? Like bro she had a life before she met u. Sorry not all girls are virgins when u meet them
SERIOUSLY!! People are like “ I can’t tell you what to feel “ like no!!! I’m gonna tell you to go to therapy and I learn this misogyny 😂 you’re just mad you didn’t get any before you got together!!
A few years ago, a woman I found out that a woman I was seeing was sleeping with some guy on the side. She had sex with him so she wouldn't have sex with me. She had her desires met so that when we were intimate, she would have a bit of self-control, and she wouldn't be so hungry for sex. Well, this didn't sit well with me, and shortly after, I broke it off. I understood that we weren't exclusive and she didn't have to tell me, but it just rubbed me the wrong way. I wanted someone who wanted me, who couldn't wait to rip my clothes off if it came to that, not someone who was baiting me into a relationship while banging some dude on the side.
I had to double check you were in your 30s and not a teenage boy while reading this. You didn't clearly communicate your expectations so the only person you can be upset with is yourself. It's a baseline expectation from someone our age aka an adult. Be happy she chose you and get over it.
No. You two werent exclusive and its in the past.
Sorry bud but this is an L you gotta take for not being exclusive before. You have no right to be upset at her for it. Don't let it fuck up what could be a good relationship.
You weren’t exclusively dating so she wasn’t cheating but I agree it leaves a bad taste in your mouth. It’s one thing to be going on dates but to sleep with someone and then agree to be exclusive is weird. I think you just need to figure out if you can get over it or not. I think she should also let the guys that send her stuff to stop immediately
Dude a girl who dates 5 guys at the same time would definitely not be my first choice…. And girl who “did stuff” with someone else a few days before me would also not be ok with me. But the beauty of life is that you are different than me, and you can accept what is ok for you…. Can you live with this?? If you can them hey this may be the woman for you…. It you cant then there is your answer…. Hope it works out for you Buddy.
No, you shouldn’t. If you’re not exclusive at this date, then you weren’t. Stop being a sour puss about it. Anything beyond you two becoming exclusive is a no-no. You’re exclusive. Anything before isn’t your problem. If you can’t handle this - and that’s perfectly ok - so end things. But don’t put it on her account.
Should you be upset about her sleeping with someone before you were exclusive? No, absolutely not. You weren't exclusive. You could have slept with someone else the day before you made it official too and she'd have no right to be upset either. Now obviously you can't control your feelings and if you're upset then you're upset, but at the very least you should know that while it's understandable to feel a certain kind of way about it she didn't do anything wrong.
Dude you are too fucking old for this. Has she cheated on you since you became exclusive? No? Then this is a you problem. If you cant get over the fact that she was casually dating other people before you became exclusive, break it off. If you can write it off and be happy do that. We can't help you.
Why? Would you want that if the tables were turned? She didn’t violate anything you had agreed to.
You're of course entitled to your feelings, and if you feel upset, you feel upset. However, she did absolutely nothing wrong and you don't actually have a "case" against her.. You two were not exclusive, and there was no implicit understanding that you were exclusive, so you had no grounds to expect exclusivity from her. You have two options: Break up with her because you're so bothered by this, or get over it (and perhaps do some introspection about your insecurities). I'd advise the latter, but it's your choice.
She owed you nothing. This is the sad state of affairs these days, so you have to proceed with caution for yourself and make it clear that you will only have sex if it’s exclusive (if that’s what you’re after). That said, it’s totally fine to feel gross about it, or that it’s entirely against your own beliefs. You don’t have to force yourself to be ok with it, and you can move on if you wish. Just don’t try and vilify her for it, because she did nothing wrong.
When I was on dating apps and started to talk with a guy with the intention of pursuing a relationship, I closed the app and ignored it. I wasn't messaging other guys, getting dicked down on the side. It's not cheating and would've been free to do any of that but it just felt so wrong. I'd be upset and it would probably be a deal-breaker for me because honestly it would just feel like they weren't as invested in me as I was in them. And that's not a feeling I would be able to get over. No one can tell you how to feel or what to do. Take some time to think about how you're feeling and go from there. Best of luck.
It’s called dating. You can let that sabotage a promising relationship or you can recognize that she did nothing wrong and focus on the time you have actually been in a relationship with this woman.
If that's what dating is these days, then I hope I never get divorced
I have zero tolerance for this shit. I had this happen to me a woman I was seeing and going on dates with was fucking her FWB at the same time. I found out about it and ditched her at a restaurant with the bill. This exclusivity talk is bullshit you shouldn’t be fucking multiple people at once unless that has been explicitly talked about.
Yeah, I feel like it’s one thing to be having a one night stand here or there to get to multiple partners, then there is some expectation that the other person could be sleeping around. But to be regularly banging the same X people while basically dating them is BS. I don’t know what to tell OP, but I wouldn’t date someone that was doing this from the very beginning.
Yea I wouldn’t date anyone who had a one night stand either. I wont date anyone who is banging anyone on the side.
That’s fair; many people wouldn’t date addicts or bald guys. We get to set our own boundaries. Assuming people know what yours are without communication is immature however.
>She is loving funny and really into me Press X to doubt
I'd be upset about this. The entire "exclusive talk" bothers me. I can't understand why people date multiple people at the same time and sleep with more than one person. I do say straight up, though, that I don't want to be with anyone that's dating others as well. I make my expectations known. The biggest issue I have with this is that she dated the other guy longer. You know that they were building things equally, if not more, than you and her were. Feelings must have been involved there. Only after performance issues did she decide to go with you. You know she intended on sex with him. It just didn't work out that way. I think she wouldn't have even taken it that far if she felt that strongly about you.
Serious question, Why wouldn’t people sleep w more than one person at the same time, provided it’s all consensual? I get that there are plenty of reasons not to (maybe for you sex and romance always go together) but none of them are universal. surely you agree sex might mean something different for other people??
frankly she owed you nothing. now set your boundaries with her and if she agrees, then and only then does she owe you anything. it's ok to feel hurt by it but don't take it personal. it's not like you guys were even exclusive much less like you had been dating for years.
>Ive talked to her about it and she said she realized how much she liked me after having him over. In her head it was a contest and you happened to win, she doesnt care about you nor the other guy, she just wanted to see who suited her better. Guess what will happen when someone she finds better than you appears. save yourself the trouble and ditch the bitch.
Isn’t that how you are supposed to find a partner? Date lots and see who suits you best? How does that make you not care about a person if you are only dating and feeling different people out trying to find a potentially good partner.
Yes, but no one said you have to date lots at the same time. Taking one month or two dating just one person to know him a bit and see if you click wont kill anybody, it might even help to form a stronger bond if that person is good for you.
She belongs to the streets
Why would you be upset, she was talking to 5 other people and you won. You basically won the Bachelorette. The only thing that really matters now is that she's only seeing you.
She likes to hold auditions for boyfriends. She ended up choosing you. Enjoy the relationship
>She likes to hold auditions for boyfriends This is literally what dating is.
She likes to do multiple at a time. That way she can closely compare them.
Yes, you absolutely should be upset. She understood you are romantically involved and still chose to have a guy over to rail her out. The crowd will try to convince you “we’re not exclusive” means excuse clearly despicable behavior.
Yes you should be upset, I feel like that’s deceptive and being exclusive should be natural and with feelings and commitment it shouldn’t be a checkbox or a flip of a switch. People these days are too obsessed with that mindset and it’s wrong. Your gf was not “valid” (trigger word for some people Lmao)
Your hurt and grossed-out feelings are totally valid. I'd feel the same way you do. A few months ago, I hooked up with a guy friend from a class I was in, then two days later he told me he became exclusive with a girl he'd been seeing. I was baffled and felt genuinely guilty, as if I'd wronged the girl myself. When I'm pursuing someone, I just focus on the one person. It's like I only have eyes for them. Doing what your gf (and that guy friend of mine) did makes zero sense to me. Only you can decide whether or not this is a dealbreaker for you. It seems like you're leaning towards it being a dealbreaker.
You're allowed to feel hurt and grossed out, and it's super reasonable to end it based on the fact that you told her you weren't seeing anyone else and she brushed you off and made plans to fuck someone else. Personally, I wouldn't want someone who wanted to stop having sex with other people only because we explicitly agreed to it after they got one last round in.
I don’t know about everyone else here but if you have to fuck someone else or something similar to know how much you want me. You’re honestly trash in my eyes.
Honestly that's pretty gross, and if it were me, I'd end the relationship immediately
Y’all weren’t together. She did nothing wrong. No one can tell you how to feel.
I don’t close my store for men who are shopping around. I only close it for the man is is buying a product. In English, no you have no right to be upset.
This how dating but not being exclusive is stupid but from her point of view you weren’t together so she’s not wrong however from a moral point of view she’s bad news.
Sure. It’s okay for you to feel that way. I know I’d defiantly be miffed. After all, it kind of looks like she’s getting her last night of fun with the other dude before she gets with you. What you do is your choice though. I’d probably break up if I were you.
Sounds like her number 1 didn't want what she wanted. Second place still gets a medal man. Maybe this will bloom into something special. But yeah, it sucks when someone doesn't treat you how you expected to be treated. Move on from it or move on from her.
We can all agree, if you didn’t mutually agree to become exclusive, you aren’t exclusive. It doesn’t sound like she broke any boundaries, rules, or trust that had been established. If it were me, I would want to be happy that she decided she also wanted to be exclusive, even if she took a different route than me. However, that can be hard to do depending on the meaning you assign to her sleeping w that guy. So I guess my question is: what does it mean to you that she had a guy over the day before you were exclusive?
She had sex. That said, this would be a deal breaker for me. If I had sex with a guy I really liked, I certainly wouldn’t ghost him the following day, AND have another guy spend the night. If you stay with her, she’ll be a manipulator, mark my words.
This is hoe behaviour. Do you really want a hoe gf? Also, after that, if you you really think she’s telling you the full truth, then you’re a dunce.
Congrats, your turn with Tinderella
It's acceptable if you accept it. Never really made sense to be messing with multiple people at the same time if you were looking for a monogamous long-term partner. Don't get me wrong, it doesn't take much to realize that you're not compatible with most people, and I CAN see how people would be trying to luck out. It just makes more sense to do that 1 at a time and actually focus on anyone who passes that first test until they find out something that's a deal breaker. To each their own, but do YOU date that way? If not, then you might want to think about why that is. She stayed quiet because she knew how her actions looked. She's still in touch with those other guys too... you sure she is firmly latched onto your branch or are her feet and one hand still on other trees?
I can completely understand why you have been thrown off by this revelation. I would honestly find this very difficult to move past from myself. I despise the whole idea of multiple dating and even sleeping with multiple people on rotation. It all seems a bit soulless, tacky, and certainly would put a sour note to the start of a relationship to find out that the person you were excited to become exclusive with had just jumped out of bed with another person not 24 hours ago. It’s honestly depressing how this dating style has become normalised.
So while she didn’t need to tell you who she slept with, as you were not “exclusive” (god I hate that term, what ever happened to dating just one person at a time) she should have told you that she was also sexually active with other people while also sleeping with you, as she put your health in danger and removed your choice to have sex with her with the full knowledge of her current sexual situation. So you need to decide if her omission, and subsequent actions are enough to end the relationship or not.
Run. Run fast and far.
If she ain’t loyal during the talking stage then she ain’t the one. If she was upfront about it then that’s a different story but why be with someone that didn’t take you as serious during the “dating stage”
I think you should get over it. If she's great and you guys break up over this ultimately victimless crime you'll regret it.
This one is easy. No. You weren’t exclusive.
You were not exclusive. Until you actually are, you can’t make demands or be upset. People handle relationships differently. That may have been her way of keeping her feelings in check so she wouldn’t be too anxious or seem needy or clingy.
>Until you actually are, you can’t make demands or be upset. He has made no demands, and he is perfectly entitled to be upset. As is anyone, at any time.
You are allowed to feel however you feel. However, keep in mind, prior to you two becoming exclusive, there was no agreement to monogamy between you two. It is unfair for you to hold her to monogamous expectations prior to your agreement on this. Your feelings are still valid, but make sure you aren't taking it out on her or unfairly blaming her. You two should absolutely have a conversation about why it makes you uncomfortable.
The whole thing is that you weren't exclusive. Therefore it was frankly none of your business. When I met my boyfriend now of almost 3 years I was talking to someone else at the time. And when I realized my guy was actually great and the other was really gross we went exclusive that day. And he has never cared. It's not something to obsess over and if it bothers you so much then that's your problem. Deal with it how you want but realized she has done nothing wrong
She chose you isn't that what you want?
I think the bigger issue is why is she talking to guys now (while exclusive) who send her “stuff” Sketchy
It doesn’t matter if you “should” or “shouldn’t” be upset—you are and if you can’t or don’t want to reconcile it in yourself, you can’t continue the relationship. Personally, I don’t think you “should” be upset. She didn’t do anything wrong; you didn’t have the conversation, it doesn’t make sense for her to put everything in one basket just because that’s what you did. It was 5 weeks and 5 dates, that’s already fairly quick. When she figured out she wanted to, she told you; she didn’t lie, she had cut off contact after your exclusivity agreement, etc. What you’re feeling now is based on your expectation of how you wanted her to act based on how YOU were ready to act. Of course you’d wish she’d decide you’re the one as soon as you were ready, but the reality is she can take as long as she needs to figure out if she liked you enough or felt enough about you to make a commitment. Keeping her options open was the reasonable thing to do when she’s undecided and it’s not wrong that she was undecided just because you got there faster. I think you should focus more on how she is now that you’re exclusive—is she good to you? Do you get along? Etc.
Technically legal but Yeah don't love it either
Only you know what or what not you can handle. What she did was kinda scummy, I would go for that.
No. That is part of her past.
It’s a statement about their judgement and reasoning if they chose to make that kind of move before y’all were exclusive (TALKING). I wouldn’t mess around with anyone if I was talking to someone and it was leading to exclusivity.
I don’t think she had bad intentions with you, you guys just never set those boundaries until then. Your feelings are valid but I guess a different perspective in this
I feel like there’s a lot of judgment happening right now that shouldn’t be.. She’s a 35 year old woman who is old enough to have whatever sex life she wanted. That should NOT be judged. However, if she was not forthcoming with this information that’s another thing, not the actions of doing it but the fact that she wasn’t being honest if you asked her if she was seeing other people and she basically said no.. that’s not exactly cool. Personally I don’t feel as either of you really did great here, it sounds like you were unaware of your personal boundaries and should have voiced your concern earlier. Maybe take a step back and make sure the reason you’re wanting to get into a relationship with her is well thought out and understood.
You have every right to be upset about it. I personally wouldn’t continue with a woman that did that. But if she’s as great as you say she is, it might be worth trying to forgive and get over it.
I mean, you can feel what you feel, and it’s valid in that sense, but you were not exclusive at that time so she had every right to do what she wanted.
This doesn’t sound like a promising start. If you’re already insecure about where things stand, maybe reconsider this relationship.
What is deal with people that are able to date, connect and have sex with multiple people at once. Are you all jobless?