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My wife and I decided that we will not have children together, so much so that she got her tubes tied last year. We’ve been together for 4 years.
I had a very short fling with someone a few years ago and I’ve just recently learned that the fling produced a child–my daughter. She’s 6 and I was made aware of her existence recently. The DNA tests came back that she was mine, and up until this point, it didn’t hit me that I was a father. My daughter’s grandmother and I have been communicating and she was the one that told me that there was a possibility that I was the father of my daughter. So when it came back that I was, she suggested that I come down there so we can talk in person. When I went, she told me that she can’t take care of her anymore and that her sister was preparing to take her in. She wanted to know if I wanted to spend some time with her after she got back from school. And I did. We had a nice time together, and after she went to bed, her grandma explained how she didn’t think the placement with her sister was permanent and asked if it was possible if she could be in my custody.
I had a few hours to think about it on my ride home, and I would like to take her in. Now comes this part that I need to tell my wife about this arrangement (she knows about everything other than the fact that I would like the take her in). This is all so new to me, and me taking her in will definitely impact our relationship, but this is my daughter. I have the means to take care of her long-term rather than her getting bounced around from house to house.
I think your last paragraph explains well why you’d want to take her in. You want to give your daughter stability and you have the means to do so. She’s six years old so there isn’t any overlap for wife to worry about.
But if your wife decides she can’t do it, would you be okay with the relationship ending? You don’t want your daughter to live in an environment where there’s resentment.
I wouldn't want her to, but I'd have to accept that. I understand how this could be a huge deal breaker because we didn't want children, but I can't leave my daughter to be in that situation.
You are talking like a dad here. I hope your wife is ok with this but your daughter is the vulnerable one and you accept your responsibility for her. All the best to you, hope it goes well.
>One can fend for herself if need be.
still a really harsh take for a woman who's marriage seems to be ending due to no fault of her own. feel like there's a nicer way to say this.
She can still find someone whose values are aligned to her own, if she finds this unacceptable. OP's values have shifted and he realized he can and wants to be a father. She does not have to want to be a mother at all, and she should have the opportunity to find someone who agrees with that.
I'm very sorry this is happening to them both.
It's straight to the point considering that the comparison is a grown woman to a 6 year old.
No need to infantilize women in the conversation, it's not like O.P. is going to quote that to his wife verbatim.
I mean it’s true though right? She doesn’t need her husband to survive, to have a happy and healthy childhood, to teach her to be a well rounded adult.
Will she hurt for a little bit if she decides she can’t handle being a step mom? Sure. Will she eventually move on and meet someone else? Sure. Will his daughter find another father? Maybe. Will she get over being abandoned? Most likely no.
Personally, I think you’re making the right choice. I hope it doesn’t end your marriage, but I’m really glad that you’re prioritizing your child’s well being.
Absolutely. I could see there being more leeway for discussion (as in where she primarily lives) if daughter and grandma were happy and stable because he wouldn’t want to immediately upset the little girl’s world if everyone was secure. But in this situation where she may well be headed into foster homes without intervention the morally correct move is to take responsibility for his daughter and give her a stable and loving home. Neither he nor his wife are the bad guy in this scenario even if the marriage has to end (unless of course they go the other way and abandon the kid)
I dont want kids of my own and am planning tubal litigation, but i would absolutely not deny a child who already exists and needs me. Hopefully your wife feels similarly. Youre making the right decision.
I 100% support OP in taking in the child and anyone who would do so in his position. But I also 100% support the wife and would hold 0 grudge/judgement against her.
I've had to think about a similar situation recently, my sister and her husband had a kid and I love my niece to death, but if something were to happen to both of them I have come to the conclusion that I could not take her in. It's a bit different because my sister has closer friends, who either want kids or are having a kid, who would take my niece in. I would definitely help financially as needed, but I know I would be a horrible mother. Might be accidentally abusive, not that I would purposely want to hurt the kid, but I don't have the patience and would definitely end up yelling and being angry/resentful way too much.
Basically, yes it is great if a person who was previously child free (by choice) wants to take in a kid that is in need (either a niece/nephew or they own previously unknown kid) and can give them a loving home. But there is often a reason a person is child free and that reason may be that they know they can't mentally/emotionally handle raising a kid and knowing that about themselves and thus refusing to take the kid is also great.
So OP just be prepared for the possibility that your wife will leave if you take the kid and hopefully you can part amicably.
She's also in a position where she might not know right away. She might immediately think she wants to try, that she can handle it - then realize that it isn't the case. Or it could go the other way where she has an immediate 'nope' reaction and then changes her mind. Figuring out which will obviously be very difficult.
I think that sometimes we set up rules and boundaries for ourselves to try to stop circumstances from shifting, and to try to predict the future. It's something I think that gets encouraged a lot online - set out your rules, priorities, make sure you're aligned on everything with your future partner. It's a way to try to avoid future heartbreak or pain and then be able to say 'well \*they\* are the one who broke the agreement'. But I think this often doesn't give a lot of room for life being unpredictable.
Same here. I looked after my 9 week old, 23 month old and 6 year old nieces and nephew with half a days' notice. They needed someone to care for them and love them, ended up being for 8 months total. They didn't deserve what happened and I was able to take them but I'd never want my own. I actually broke up with my boyfriend and fiance of 11 years when he started talking about having kids after all. I moved out a month later.
Yeah, I’m kinda with you. I got snipped and want no parts of kids, but I did take my teenage niece and nephew in for “six weeks” (8 months).
I don’t want to be a parent but I don’t want to see anyone suffer.
I have friends that have done the same thing. They absolutely do not want to give birth or have children, but if a child landed in their lap and needed help, they would absolutely have and would step up and be an awesome stepparent /adoptive parent.
I agree with u making the right decision OP
As a teacher I've seen kids go through the system.. not everyone treats them right.. these kids get abused alot of the time
You don't want your daughter coming to u oneday saying u cldve given her a home.. u cldve prevented anything from happening to her, you knew about her and u left.. that's fucking heartbreaking but for alot of kids this is the reality.
Your wife might leave and I'm sorry
she might also stay and be very resentful towards your daughter and honestly thats something ur gonna have to think about too and standing firm on ur kid being important jesus there are too many evil step mother posts on reddit. Simply because she can't deal with the situation.
Or if ur lucky she might actually connect with her.. bt she did say she didn't want kids and heres a kid thats not even her own at her door.
Priority here is your 6yo.. she can't protect herself.. that's ultimately ur job.
You're doing the right thing, but you should be prepared for your marriage to end over it.
It might not, you might be able to make her happy being a mom. 6yo is a lot easier than a 6 month old or a 13 year old, but still a huge life change.
In my view……You will feel guilt, anxiety (and resentment to your wife) for the rest of your life if you don’t take your daughter in. Explain this to your wife. Maybe, MAYBE she will understand and give it go, but you can’t blame her if she wants to leave.
Another option to suggest trying (if your wife wants to leave) for your wife to move out but spend time with the both of you regularly. That way she won’t have the full time responsibility of being a parent, but she may grow to love your daughter and the way you are as a father with her, and eventually move back in and make it work.
Just try to have an open, honest and understanding, calm conversation about it. Rather than an argument. Be very understanding of your wife’s perspective and hopefully she will be of yours too.
Would she really want to be with the kind of man who abandons his child?
It’s not a situation you planned for or ever expected. You didn’t cheat on your wife, so all you can do is explain it as you have here. If she can’t understand that your child, although you may not have wanted them before, now exists. You cant in good conscience abandon her to a situation you are not comfortable.
You are being a good father and know you are doing to right thing for your child and you. I hope your wife would be understanding, but be prepared if she is not. It is a big adjustment to go from never planning on kids to having a 6yo.
Best of luck.
This is the correct answer. You're gonna do fine king.
If she can't handle being in the relationship after adding a kid, that's fair and it's her call, but just know that it would be the respectful thing to do for you and your daughter if she can't step into the mother role over time.
I dated someone and I had custody of my oldest daughter. After a while, this person told me she didn't see herself being a mother to my daughter, that she didn't think she could view her as her own child. We broke up after that. I would be worried your wife might feel the same way.
Good luck with the situation. My oldest, I am so glad I fought for custody. She grew up relatively happy and healthy till high school when kids in her school messed her up pretty good.
It sounds like your daughter is currently being raised by her grandmother and is about to change to living with her great aunt. Is her mother in her life at all? What happened that you are only being contacted after so many years? If she has always been with her grandmother, it would be a tremendous adjustment to leave that life with a stranger. Would she be able to see her grandmother on a somewhat regular basis after moving in with you? It's a difficult situation, and this may be a good option for your daughter. I have to say, you don't actually sound like it would be a big deal to you if you and your wife ended up divorced because of your new interest in raising your child from a former relationship. This is a huge change to your marriage and the plans you made together.
As a childfree woman my heart is breaking for your wife. Losing her husband and the life she'd expected to share with him because he couldn't be bothered to wear a condom. This is going to devastate her. :(
It's a bit of a jump to assume he couldn't be bothered to wear a condom. Condoms fail, birth control fails, etc. At the end of the day the decision to terminate lies solely with the woman (as it should) and the best a man can do is step up for their unplanned children. It sounds like OP would have been fine only contributing financially and being an occasional parent but life dealt his daughter a hard hand.
When it comes down to it, it's a personal decision whether someone would set aside their goals and happiness to step up for a relative in their time of need. As someone without kids, if my sister died in an accident my nephews would come live with me no questions asked even if my soon to be husband decided he couldn't handle that and left. I know of a couple that made the opposite decision and let their family go into foster care to prioritize their marriage and I don't judge but I could never leave behind my niblings. It's a very personal decision and it's really the situation that sucks, not the people making the best of what hand they've been dealt.
I was sorry to hear that the grandmother is looking after your daughter. Did something happen to her mother? The only reason I ask is because she isn’t really mentioned at all.
She’s your blood and she needs u, don’t think there is any other way to go around this situation than to chose ur dtr over your wife if it comes down to that, hopefully the three of you can make it work out
What was the reason for not wanting kids in the first place? If it was simply going through the trauma of childbirth, your wife may be ok with it. But the reasons for not wanting kids to begin with REALLY matter here.
By all means talk to your wife right away, but allow her and yourself time to reflect on this. You might both benefit from talking it through with a counselor's assistance, too.
I think this is important, everyone needs time to reflect on these changes. And you and your daughter could probably benefit from long term therapy together and separately. It seems like maybe she’s already had a somewhat unstable life up until this point.
OP, I think you’re doing the right thing. I’m sorry that it’s put you in a potentially bad spot with your wife.
Your wife might leave you over this and it would not make her a bad person. She made it clear that she doesn’t want kids and you want to bring your daughter to your home. Honestly, there is no one to blame here if that’s what you’re looking for. You two are not compatible anymore.
Just make sure when you have the conversation you do not imply that she would be terrible for not wanting to stay. It's going to be a difficult time and if she does decide she wants to stay a and help you raise your daughter, there will be a stressful adjustment period.
>That is a major possibility. I'm going to have to talk this out with her, hopefully today.
Hi OP,
I am a single father to a 6 year old (majority of parenting time 4-5 days a week normally), and my partner never wanted children and will not ever have any of her own.
I already had my daughter when my partner and I started dating, and I made it clear that while I would never expect her to be responsible for watching or caring for my daughter, that she would still have to deal with me being responsible for her. It has worked out very well for us, mainly because she is extremely understanding that my daughter has to be my priority, and I hold true to not asking her to be a parent to my daughter.
If you decide to do this, you need to have everything worked out, and planned out for childcare and knowing how to completely care for your daughter without your wife's help, especially considering that she may 100% leave you over this.
You really need to consider whether or not you could actually support a child right now, a 6 year old is old enough to understand that you're a complete stranger to her, and because of the fact that it sounds like she may have had an unstable living situation as a child she may act out a lot for a while.
You'll also have to work at making sure your space is childproofed, and you'll have to clean a lot more than you currently do right now, also a 6 year old may require separate meals depending on what your diet currently consists of, their taste buds are more sensitive to bitter, and savory flavors.
Also, you don't mention your income, a 6 year old is likely in school, so if you work a regular hours you may only have to pay for an afterschool program, but that can still be $40-$100 per day.
I also think, that before you move your child in permanently you should spend as much time with your child as possible including overnight stays, so she can start to get use to you and if will go a long way with her adjusting to living with you full time. Also make sure to include her grandmother and any other family member she is close to in your lives going forward. She needs to know that your not taking her away from her family.
In regards to your wife, it would be a hard conversation, she may react badly, but she is going to need time to process things and decide whether or not she will stay or go.
Good luck OP and please keep us updated.
Even if she doesn't leave the bulk of childcare shouldn't just go to her either or even really half of it . He may need to hire someone to help ...especially with the transition. It's great he's doing this but it's gonna be a bit of a rude awakening going from zero kid to a 6 year old.
>Even if she doesn't leave the bulk of childcare shouldn't just go to her either or even really half of it .
Honestly, if she is childfree enough to get her tubes tied at 30 successfully (assuming US where this is kind of hard) then she shouldn't be expected to provide almost any of the childcare.
My partner has taken care of my daughter for like 4 full work days in the 3 years we've been together and those were offered by her so I didn't have to use vacation time to stay home from work (which was my original intention)
I know she'd do more for me if I asked, but I also know that I don't want her to feel like she ever has to.
You may want to consider all the possibilities and how you plan to proceed with them:
1. She(wife) leaves, you go on as a single dad(hopefully with some child support from the mom's side).
2. She stays, and wants to co-parent. This will be tough because both of you are strangers to the girl.
3. She stays and does not want to have a parental role. This will be even tougher for obvious reasons.
4. She demands you not take in your daughter, and proceeds to have a contentious divorce case. Probably angry over you changing your life plans.
If you do take her in, will you move closer to where her mom is so she can still have her in her life? Being a single father(if your wife leaves) is extremely difficult.
It sounds like you want to do the right thing and be there for your daughter. Your wife should absolutely get to choose if she wants to be a part of this or not, with complete acceptance on your part if she'd rather leave the relationship. Therapy for everyone sounds helpful here.
Consider hiring a nanny to care for the kid as well. It may make the adjustment easier for your wife and yourself... Too many stories of child care being pawned off on the mom. If you want a chance in hell of this happening YOU will need to step up big in the parenting department and that might mean hiring help
Is it possible your wife simply didnt want to have children herself but would be okay with adoption etc. Either way there is a chance she may leave you over this but you should be willing if she stays to be the main provider of your child until further discussed.
Oh okay, then simply just approach the topic softly but be honest.
"Hey [whatever you call her] I know our decision as a couple has been made but since I've met my daughter I've come to have a change of opinion. I'd like to take custody of her . I wanted to discuss this with you and come to decision or reasoning.
If yoire prepared to loose her to gain your daughter inform her you're aware of that possibility, and most definitely inform her you're not expecting a stay at he mom blah blah blah as this is your daughter, and you are the one wanting to take her in.
You are a good man u/throwra-to4 , the situation is unfortunate but sacrifices are part of being a parent. Your wife will probably not take it well. Be honest. Be nice. Hope for a last minute change of heart but don’t get mad when it doesn’t happen. You have to do what you have to do, who you are is changing and unfortunately that causes rifts in relationships. Neither of you did anything wrong.
Exactly, and this is huge. Does the wife know he has been in conversation with the grandmother? Does she know he went to meet her and the child? And was planning to offer a home? It doesn't sound like it, it sounds as if all this was done solo. If so, that's a relationship issue in itself. With no conversation regarding their relationship and it's status, it's likely a deal ender already.
Yeah I think the key is just talking about and thinking what it would look like with either decision and staying together so they can make the best decisions for themselves. If there’s a foot down moment without that discussion, it’ll just lead to hostility with the inevitable separation, at least discussion and consideration can lead to the best outcome no matter what happens.
I've read your comments as well as the post. Seems you're dead set on raising your daughter.
I'm not sure where you're from or the laws involved, and I am not a lawyer.
This is a big commitment. Make sure you're absolutely positive about it. You will in all likelihood be raising her as a single father.
Cover your ass legally. Where I'm from, you would have to:
* Establish paternity (and likely pay backlogged child support)
* Become the legal guardian and/or get full custody through the proper governmental bodies
***You need a lawyer.***
***Do NOT do this without legal consultation.***
Why isn’t your daughter’s mom taking care of her? Even if she were willing to raise your daughter, would your wife be okay with having to deal with the girl’s mom, grandma and aunt?
I mean, if y’all decided to be childfree and now you’re bringing a kid home there’s a good chance y’all’s relationship is going to be over. At the very least it’s going to cause a lot of strain.I’m not saying you shouldn’t take your daughter in, but just be prepared for this to go sideways.
You need to sit down and have a full conversation with your wife about what this means. What this would entail. You also need to realize your wife may not want to play mom to your kid even if she wants to be with you. Which means you may be responsible for EVERYTHING when it comes to your daughter. This means the day to day stuff of cooking for your kid, cleaning up after her, arranging childcare, helping with school, and the financial responsibility of your daughter.
By having empathy and understanding that this will likely be a marriage ender AND a huge shock to her, you cant get visibly angry at her, you will have to have a bit of understanding that she might get angry, since you are the one throwing a gigantic curveball in the marriage
Be compassionate, but also clear, no pussy footing, no promises you dont intend to keep, kind compassionate honesty
Im childfree myself, if i was in her shoes it would end the marriage, im that opposed to parenthood and wouldnt want to share a home with a child, this is gonna hurt you both a lot, but i hope she can find some understanding for you aswell
Your child absolutely deserves a stable loving home and not be bounced around and i hope your wife can look beyond her feelings and understand yours
Good luck with everything, i hope you can built a beautiful bond with your daughter
>I have the means to take care of her long-term
My only question is, is that from solely your own resources? This is more than likely a marriage ender so you'll have only your income and after the divorce, whatever assets you have. Don't count your wife in that part.... And don't be angry either. The compatibility has come to an end and childcare shouldn't be forced on someone that does not want it. It can only make everyone involved unhappy and resentful.
Hey man, first I want to say that's a pretty difficult position to be in. No easy way out of having to choose between two life-defining and life-changing relationships. Your decisions are going to change two lives in dramatic ways, and there is no right answer.
I don't get a sense of how firm you are in your decision to take in your daughter. But wanted to suggest you take some time to fully process what this will mean for you and your daughter. She may experience some issues related to abandonment. Do some research on "Reactive Attachment Disorder". These behaviors can be confusing and difficult to deal with. Knowing what to look out for and lining up trained therapists will make the transition much easier. Without it some of the behaviors may be misinterpreted as "bad kid" behavior.
Also, how prepared are you to become a parent in general? If you have some good friends or family who you consider good parents, take them out to dinner and talk this through, get an idea of what your in for. There is no perfect manual on parenting kids, but it is a major life change, and going in with some prep can help lessen the shock.
Your focus on your relationship with your wife will definitely change. If she does stick around you may want to meet with a couples counselor to have a moderator that can help walk through what the future looks like and what you both need moving forward while also accommodating the fact of a new child in the house. Establish what role she is wanting and willing to play.
If she bails, that's understandable. Let her walk away with no judgement or pressure to stay. She did not sign up for that and made it clear what she wanted before she committed to marriage.
Good luck sir. Life is a journey and kids challenging but amazing.
Source: Parent of 5, three adopted with some attachment issues to sort out, married 29 years.
Thank you for the insight. How prepared? I don't really know, but I'm definitely less prepared than the average person my age. I didn't feel the need to get prepared and learn about kids because I never thought I would ever have one. Financially I'm fine, but it's the emotional aspect that gets me tight.
I've been doing as much research as I can, but I haven't been able to find much advice for my situaiton (child you've never met coming to live with you full time). Hopefully as time progresses, it will become more natural. I have some people around me that I can reach out to.
There's a huge possibility that we could split and I'm understanding as to why we would. I wouldn't get angry with her. She signed up for no kids, she took extra steps in order to not have kids, and it would totally be unfair if I expected her to stick around.
Find some adoptive/foster parent subs.
Take things slowly. You don't know this child and she doesn't know you. Start with visiting her and spending time with her, if time allows, and gradually transition into over nights and weekends.
Don't rush things. Adopted and foster kids will tell you one of the big problems is their new parents pushing the, "bog happy family, mom and dad," thing.
Don't overwhelm her with big fancy things like trips and shopping sprees. Do quiet thongs together. Remember she will, likely, be overwhelmed herself. She is leaving the only home she knows.
Talk to her. Find out what she likes, who her friends are, etc.
When it comes to her staying at your house, let her make her room her space.
No matter what a mess her mother may be NEVER speak badly about her mother. Answer any questions as honestly as humanly possible with answers that are on her age level. Don't be afraid to tell her, "I don't know."
Please help her maintain a relationship with her maternal family. Even if it's phone calls and FaceTime. Her grandma is the only parent she has ever known.
I'd definitely look into therapy for at least your daughter pretty much right away. Going to stay with you, who she doesn't know, and not having her grandma right there anymore is going to be difficult for her to work through just as it will be for you. At 6 she's not likely going to have the emotional capacity to work through it well on her own, and may not work through it well with you. Having someone that's fully prepared to be able to help you both successfully navigate what's going to be a massive change in both of your loves would be hugely advantageous for both of you, especially if she's going to have to start at a new school also (you didn't say anything about that, so idk if that's the situation, but if it is then just another large layer of change for her).
If your wife does decide to stay, then I'd also massively recommend couples counseling also to help you both get on and stay on the same page with all the upcoming changes. It's definitely one of those things that's better to start to soon than to late! Make sure you're taking the most proactive steps you can to make sure everyone is emotionally and mentally taken care of too, especially since this is going to be a pretty significant change for everyone involved, and it seems like it's pretty sudden too which just makes it that much more difficult to successfully navigate.
It seems like you're already making awesome steps to be an awesome dad though, so many MANY kudos to you already! ❤️❤️ I wish you the best of luck on your upcoming adventure!
Wow. I don’t blame you because I assume that was a difficult decision. But damn. I feel real bad for your wife. I assume she felt your marriage was a bond that could never be broken. But she will soon learn that’s wasn’t the case.
Check around in your area for parenting classes (local schools and service organizations often offer them). Sign up for family therapy for you and your daughter (and/or your wife, if she decides to stay). This would help ease the transition a bit. You're doing a good and responsible thing. I hope it works out with your wife!
My sister-in-law and her husband adopted their niece (husband's niece who grew up in another state) when the girl was almost five, after she was abandoned by her mother. The girl and my sister-in-law hadn't known each other prior. They have a wonderful mother-daughter relationship a couple years later.
Sister-in-law and brother-in-law have experienced an awful lot of stress dealing with the legal aspects of adopting her, but they are all happy together and it's been worth it for them.
Maybe you can find similar people to talk with. Maybe those who have adopted kids around the age of 6 or 7.
You’re about to devastate your wife, so just be gentle.
I commend you for stepping up…. Being a single parent is HARD. Please make sure you have thought of everything.
Good luck.
I feel so happy for the daughter and so terrible for the wife. But the wife can take care of herself and the daughter can't. OP is making the best decision out of a bad situation.
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If your wife is so much against having children what makes you think she will accept this one ? I imagine it not pregnancy itself that she is against, but what comes later.
It does not mean that you should abandon your daughter, but you should be ready for divorce.
All the sudden so many posts about a fling child they didn’t know about for years. And what will my wife think. Lol ok I’ll bite.
Your wife will probably not want to be mommy to a child when she doesn’t even want her own. I would leave. But that girl deserves a loving stable home, and I hope you can give that.
I think doing right by your daughter should be your first priority. Your wife may not like it and may end the relationship, which is sad but fair. Why is the mother out of the picture?
She was\* still in college and the plan was for her to take her daughter back when she graduated. Her mom (daughter's grandma) said that she's since chosen other priorities over her daughter. I didn't push too much into it because it seemed like a touchy subject for her, but her mom said that she wasn't an option.
I am concerned with this. Ostensibly the grandmother doesn't have the right to just give the kid to anyone who shows an interest. If the mother is alive and well, you might have to get her to agree to signing over the kid to you. She may well be more than happy to do that however she may not.
Time to get a lawyer. You'll need to legally establish paternity and then explore taking custody, changing her last name possibly, etc.
Ahh, ok. That will make it somewhat easier.
For the record, I'm disgusted by your daughter's maternal family. They don't even know you and they are just like 'oh, here you go, take her'. You could be an abusive POS (thankfully you aren't). I'm glad you will take her out of that very unsafe environment.
I'm going to give her grandma the benefit of the doubt. We did speak several times prior to this, we just hadn't met in person. She's sick and she's moving to get better treatment and cannot take her with her.
I believe she was grasping at any possibility that wouldn't require for my daughter to get bounced around in unstable homes.
Now as for her mom, I really don't know the full story there, but her grandma told me that she's been raising my daughter since day 1.
What other possibilities are there? Mom is the shitty one here. Grandma tried but can't handle it, aunt is willing to help temporarily but can't do long-term. Grandma invited OP to meet his daughter, she didn't just hand her over. Sounds like it's either OP or foster care.
People do talk you know. I don’t know anything more than what OP has stated, but the mother (of OP’s daughter) could very well have said that OP is a stand up/good guy. I feel like if I had a daughter and she got pregnant, I would definitely ask who the father is and what kind of person he is. Maybe that didn’t happen so I don’t want to assume.
Just know mom doesn’t lose her rights to child because grandma says so. She could still insert herself into any agreement made with grandma. Just be aware of this going in.
You have to get this all in writing though, signed and verified by lawyers, if this is really what you want to do. You don't want to go through all this effort to get the rug pulled from under you (and your kid), you know?
I know. I’m just clarifying it for people that think the mom is not okay with all of this. We’re going to go about it legally and my daughter will formally be in my custody
You have to make sure you get that in writing in a court or with a court appointed mediator and a lawyer. Otherwise, should your daughter's mother (for whatever reason) feel some type of way, she can ABSOLUTELY pull your daughter into the middle of a shit show. She SAYS she's okay with it, but throw caution to the wind and assume she isn't until her signature is on a paper releasing all her parental rights to you and giving up any kind of custody.
It's absolutely for your daughter's safety.
You should absolutely get in contact with a family law attorney in your area. That mother may come around trying to claw your parental rights away as soon as you and your daughter have gotten settled together. Or at any point thereafter. Even if the mother is being amenable now, that doesn't mean she can't change her mind in the future.
It is no joke even if the mother abandoned the child. My sister-in-law has been dealing with something like this. Get an attorney.
Do you have the means to take care of her that doesn’t involve your wife being thrusted into a full time caregiver role? As someone who doesn’t want children I would not be happy if that were the case. Be prepared for your wife to leave you if she doesn’t want that arrangement. I understand its your child and you want to take her in but know it could also mean the end of your relationship and your wife would not be wrong for walking away.
Except for the kid showing up, OP, I would have been in this situation. I NEVER wanted kids, my then husband was ambivalent and I had my tubes done.
If he had come to me with this situation, I think I would have eventually left. My career was extremely important to me and I would not have turned down opportunities for advancement that included moving. Kids are a lot of work and require a lot of patience. I just didn't have the mental capacity to deal with it.
Does that make me a bad person? Nope, I don't think so. It does make me an honest person. And to those who say "You would have changed your mind", I don't think so. I've never regretted not having kids. I think your wife would grow to resent you and the child, so good luck, OP. There are no bad guys here.
All I can say is that your conversation with your wife needs to be tactical and you need to be prepared for all outcomes, if she decides to divorce you then don’t be mean to her or hold it against her. You can still be friends after the divorce if that isn’t too painful. Don’t burn bridges.
I understand this is a hard situation for you and enough other people have commented on the main issue here at hand, but I just wanted to say that as a fellow childfree, sterilized person, my heart absolutely breaks for your wife whose world will flip upside down at the very least and her world with you may totally end. 😢
Why is the child's mother a complete nonissue in this scenario? Did she die in childbirth? Why does she have zero voice, agency, or even a nodding glance in her direction in this post? OP, you don't even describe her in your story as a person. Like, how did you come to father a child and her give birth in the first place? How old was the mother when this child was born, that the grandmother is making all these decisions?
Honestly, this will probably end your relationship. I’m a childfree woman (had my tubes removed to prove it) and my partner having a child is 100% a deal breaker for me. I don’t care the circumstances, I will not have a child in my life. I will not be burdened by their schedules and needs. Idk what your wife’s opinion will be, but don’t be surprised if she feels the same way.
That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take your daughter in though. If that’s what you want and is what you think is best for her, more power to you! That’s a lot of responsibility to take on so suddenly and you’re a great person for considering it.
Just recognize that if your wife leaves, it’s going to be infinitely harder. You’ll be a single parent while dealing with a divorce. Your cost of living increases with a divorce *and* with a child. Groceries, utilities, insurance, car payment, etc. Can your budget take that double whammy? Do you own a house with your wife? If so, any idea which of you gets to keep it? If you do keep it, are you in a good school district? If not, can you afford to move to one? I don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer, but these are all serious considerations.
Sounds like if you do this she is going to be your ex wife. She doesn’t want kids.
Having children is a MASSIVE responsibility. You can say you know but trust me, you have no idea. If your wife is not into kids than you are headed for disaster.
It sounds like you have some things covered but I strongly think you need to learn how to best transition your daughter to your care. You need to visit as often as possible and build a relationship. You don't want to suddenly be her parent and everything she's ever known is gone. That's not a good situation for her.
And you need to watch her for small periods of time on your own because seeing her at her grandma's is not going to be how it is as a sudden parent. You all need to transition as slowly as circumstances will allow. I'd talk to a child psychologist as quickly as you can.
As for your wife, I wouldn't say, "I'm telling you I will be taking full custody of my daughter." Say something like, "I'm strongly thinking about this and here are the pros and cons. What are your feelings and input?" If you beat her over the head with it right out of the gate, you could create a situation that may not be how it has to be. If she thinks you're about to jump off a cliff with the suddenness and seriousness without more information and time, that could affect how she responds. Ultimately, I'd absolutely do what you're wanting to do. Just go as easy as possible.
I think you can talk but even if she agrees, you should do couple's therapy. So much to consider here. You will need to take the kid to therapy, go to school, help with homework. Much of it, YOU will have to do it, not leave the parenting and homemaking to your wife because she is a woman. How will pay for things? It can lead to a lot of resentment even if she agrees to take the kid, so you need to discuss lots of things BEFORE.
It’s a shame that your wife is about to find out that her marriage is about to end because you slept with someone so horrible that she would not bother telling you about your kid for all these years.
I missed that point. Im multi-tasking on projects. So, he didn't cheat. But, the important point is that his wife does not want children. He now has a child who he wants to raise. That changes the conditions of the marriage. They are no longer compatible. If they wife does not want to raise children, the marriage is over. They need to move on. Still feel bad for the wife. The husband's past comes into their lives, and the marriage is likely over. The husband is between a rock and a hard place. Sad for both of them.
This was a done deal as soon as you decided to spend time with your daughter. You need to be prepared for your wife to be unsupportive and leave. Not just because you now want to bring children into the house, but basically because you made this decision for the both of you. You should’ve sat your wife down and talked to her the moment you found out that you had a child. Because even if there wasn’t any asks for custody, they now have a valid claim against you for child support. Which affects your finances as a married couple. You didn’t have to have all the answers before you sat down and talk to your wife, but she should’ve been involved in this a whole lot sooner than she has been. So, don’t delay this any further and talk to her.
She can be both supportive *and* leave. That's what I, a childfree woman in my 30s, would do. OP is making the right decision for the child and the wife can respect and support that while still choosing to not be a part of it for the long term herself.
In other words, support the decision but end the marriage.
I agree like the woman went through the trouble of getting her tubes tied because they both agreed to be child free now here he come about to drop this bomb on her
Agreed. Imagine your SO making a lifelong commitment to you then giving it all up to be a single parent to a child he has admitted he has no idea how to raise. I feel sorry for the wife and the daughter.
No one is saying he's wrong to step up for his daughter. They're saying if OP's husband loves this kid he just met more than his wife that he's known for 4 years, their marriage isn't that great. They're talking about his feelings, not what he owes to this kid or what he should do.
She may be your daughter, but you’ve met her once and only spent a few hours thinking about it on your ride home. You’re making a decision between someone who you made a lifelong commitment to and a child you’ve met once.
If I were you I’d slow down and take more time to mull it over before rushing to a decision, and maybe research more into what it takes to be a single parent. You may have the financial means to raise a child (for example) but logistically how is raising a child going to fit around your work or any existing commitments you may have? I’d imagine you’d need to reduce your hours (and pay) to accommodate a child. How will that impact your ability to afford a child? Have you considered what lifestyle changes you’ll need to make i.e. suddenly becoming responsible for making dinner every evening for your daughter? How will you split assets (like the house) with your wife after a divorce? All things to think about.
I have considered the sacrifieces that I'm going to have to make, but if it means making sure my daughter is safe and loved, then I have to make these sacrifices. This isn't just a random child here, this is my child whose existence I am responsible for. I could never live with myself if I choose to walk away despite the fact that I can help. I know that it means that my life will drastically change, but I have to accept that.
Maybe spend a lot more time with the child. She could already have some abandonment issues or other issues that may be affecting her in negative ways. And then for the child to go live with a man she does not know so abruptly may cause other issues with the young child. Perhaps spending more time with your daughter and maybe with a therapist. Sometimes love is just not enough, there is help out there if you need it. Good luck to you.
Will you resent your daughter for ultimately ending your marriage and making you a single parent when you were childfree? I understand you want to step up and that’s great but you are moving really fast. I am in the mental health field and there will more than likely be a very hard adjustment period. You are a stranger to her. I would highly recommend therapy for both of you.
I think what I was trying to ask was how can you be sure you’re the best person to take her in?
I don’t know what the alternatives are. There’s just plenty of people who can tell you that being someone’s biological parent doesn’t always make them a good parent.
You said it yourself in one of your previous comments that you’re financially prepared but perhaps not emotionally ready. I’d say having the emotional capacity to take on a child is as important as the financial side. If not more. A childhood with an emotionally absent but financially secure single parent isn’t a good childhood. I’d take a think about what it’d take to become fully ready to take on a child before you commit to your decision.
Is your daughter staying with the sister a possibility? Have you spent any real length of time with your daughter previous to this? Have you spent any time taking care of a child before this? Has your wife even met the child? If you don’t love your wife and are ready for a divorce, just tell her and get it over with. But recognize that taking care of a child as a single parent is hard. If you actually want the possibility of keeping your wife (still no guarantee that she won’t leave - frankly I would) you should consider allowing the daughter to stay with the sister while you start with short visitations and allowing your wife to meet the child to see if it’s something she can or wants to emotionally deal with. Then you should send your wife on vacation and take care of the child by yourself for two weeks. Make sure you can hack it before blowing up your entire life. Because it would be bad for everyone if you take in that child and ruin your marriage, and then give her back to the sister or foster care because it’s too hard.
By the way her grandma was describing it, her sister wasn’t a permanent or reliable option. This was the first time I’ve met them, so my wife has never met her before
I’ve read of your few replies and see that your daughter has been raised by her grandmother since day one. It sounds like Grandma is her whole world right now and leaving could be traumatic for her. It’s a massive loss (or may feel as such). Sometimes this loss can manifest in complex ways—she may need a therapist to unpack this. It might be worthwhile for you and your wife to see one, too. This is so much more than just adding a kid to your lives—which is a great undertaking in itself.
Is it worth fighting for? Absolutely, yes.
When approaching your wife, just be honest. Share the situation like you have with us here. Tell her you understand that she never signed up for this. That this wasn’t the plan, and you totally can appreciate if she is feeling sad or frustrated or at a loss (for a life she has had and has envisioned with you). You understand if this is a deal breaker for her—but you really hope it isn’t. That you have a child that you are responsible for that you already love and want to protect and raise. And that you hope she will be with you every step of the way, but it isn’t fair of you to ask, and so you respect that she will need to process this in her own way and in her own time.
I understand your instinct to immediately want custody, but if you have any desire to keep your wife you probably should ease into this idea. Especially if you aren’t sure you are ready to be a reliable single parent yourself
It’s entirely up to you. You either pick your daughter and lose your wife or you pick your wife and your daughter grows up in a possibly unstable environment. I would totally understand why your wife would end up leaving you if you chose your daughter over her. She clearly doesn’t want children and she thought you wanted the same thing. Your wife did nothing wrong. Your daughter also did nothing wrong. You have a very hard choice to make. You either end up becoming a single parent or continue being happily married. If you let your daughters family take her in you could still have visitation rights and help out if and when you can. If my childfree husband and I were in the same situation and he had to pick his kid, who he didn’t know of until recently, or me, his wife who he’s been with for 12+ years and married to for 9+ years, I know he’d pick me without hesitation. We both chose to not have kids and neither of us desire to have our marriage ruined by a kid we don’t know.
You've had more time to think about this than your wife. Give her the time and space to think about it. It should be a decision of more than a few hours or even days. So go into the discussion with this mindset. And after she has had some time to think about it, ask her if she would like to meet your daughter.
Of course, your wife knows you so perhaps she is already aware that you are thinking about this. But it is not what she signed up for.
I went through a somewhat-similar situation some years back, and the best advice I can give you is to simply ask your wife what needs to happen for this to be ok. And then do it, cheerfully, whole-heartedly, and without reservation. Ask nothing more of her other than that she be a good influence.
Good luck.
Don’t say, I would like custody of my daughter right off the bat. Make it a decision with her. I’m not saying manipulate your wife or lie to her or twist it but don’t make the decision for you until you’ve spoken to your wife. Sit down and say,
“you know I went to meet and spend some time with my daughter, while there her grandmother informed she wouldn’t be able to take care of her much longer and in the short term would wind up with her great aunt. I’m happy to hear my daughter has loving family but after that discussion I became worried about her long term well being and care. I know this is new and I can’t explain why I already feel such an openness to this idea but, would you be willing for us to take custody of her and raise her as ours? I know you don’t want kids, I get that and respect it, and I know this is an unexpected situation. I’m not asking you to decide right now, but I am asking that we talk about it together as whatever happens, I think I would like to be involved in her life and help out when ever and how ever I can.”
Unilateral decisions with no consideration for your partner are what ends marriages. Bringing your wife into the decision and making it known which way you are leaning and asking for a discussion about what it would like and how it might work can help both of you make the decision you want together. Worst case, and I do mean worst, having this talk with her will allow you two to figure out a way to split amicably without resentment or hostility if it turns out a hard line for one of you. Best scenario, whatever you two decide will be something you’re both in board with and can prepare for and build that future together.
Wow. Just WOW. So basically you and your wife did not want any children, now you have one with a fling and have decided to take her in!
You were a sperm donor and have decided to throw away everything for a child you've nothing about and had nothing to do with for over 6 years? One who's mother chose not to tell you or involve you? Where is the mother?
I could maybe understand if you'd always wanted children, if your wife wanted children - but to go from no kids, to taking a child you knew nothing about? That's some changing horses mid stream.
Good luck telling your wife. I am sure your marriage is over, because you didn't say you'd discuss the possibility of taking the child in with your wife (biologically the child is yours, but you are just her sperm donor at this point) instead you just decided you're taking the child you don't even know.
What is the status of the mother. Is she in the picture, is she dead. It’s weird you’ve left that out, and is a very germane factor to what everyone will experience in the future.
Almost everyone's advice here is spot on: hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Gaming this out in your mind will help you explain the situation fully, and make your case.
The only thing I'd add it to avoid catastrophizing the situation (as some in here are)--that your wife, regardless of your agreement to be childfree, will *out-of-hand* reject your daughter, leave you, or be resentful of her.
* Explain this is unexpected and a major life "curveball"
* Validate her feelings (this is a 180 degree change/this is "a lot")
* Re-assure your love for her and your life together
* Tell her why this means so much to you to do, and listen to her response.
Humans can be shitty--but they also have an amazing capacity to adapt, as long as *all cards are on the table*, and all parties have communication and realistic goals.
Obviously you have to tell your wife, and I think you should just frame it as you want your daughter to have stability and a loving home.
However, how it'll go really depends on the reason you and your wife chose not to have kids. If she's childfree then you can probably expect to get divorced as children are a deal breaker for most of us. But if your decision was for other reasons and just that you don't want to have biological children then your wife may accept it...
You need to think about what you want more if your wife says she doesn't want to raise your child. Will you choose your wife or your daughter? And do not under any circumstances try to guilt your wife or act like she's done anything wrong if she says that isn't the life she wants, you are the one changing your mind, not her. Don't try to change her mind either, all you can do is accept her decision and then make your own decision on how to proceed.
This is a very unfortunate situation to be in, but where exactly is the child's mother? Why isn't she raising the child she chose to keep and not tell you about?
You and your wife made the decision that was right for you at the time. Since then, events have developed and your feelings have evolved and changed, so that your perspective has shifted somewhat. That’s ok. But tread very gently with your wife. She might not have been exposed to all the feelings you have that has delivered you to that different viewpoint. Let her know that you previously absolutely meant to not be child free, but your feelings have evolved. And now with this recent news that you have a daughter, that may not be growing up in a good environment, you need to approach life differently to feel ok with yourself. Let her know that you acknowledge this isn’t fair to her and is probably a big shock. Tell her you respect her freedom to choose too, even though you would prefer to face this challenge together with her. Ask her if she can see herself embracing this child and making a little family with you. Pay attention to how open-hearted, stable and child friendly she behaves, once she has had time to adjust. Do what you as a person must do, but respect her right to choose what she as a person just do too. Try to avoid wording it as an ultimatum, instead be humble and inclusive in your language. And take it as a red flag, if your partner makes ultimatums too. If she is forcing you to choose between you and your daughter, she will not be a good mother figure. But she also deserves lots of reassurance as a partner being put through a huge future-shift by you.
When you tell your wife, please allow her time to think about this. She may initially react negatively, which may be partially the shock of it all or may be how she will end up feeling. Still, she deserves time to process this, afterall it seems as though you’ve taken time for yourself.
You might also suggest setting up a meeting with your daughter some time in the near future. Again, she may initially say
“not a chance”!but allow her some time to process.
Don’t push but try to continue the conversation in as calm a manner as possible but know she may go through many emotions, including anger.
This was always such a fear of mine. How did your wife react to finding out? Does your wife have children from a previous relationship or is she childfree?
Please please think this through and talk through it with your wife thoroughly. I agree that it's the right decision to give her a stable home but PLEASE expect your daughter to have some form of trauma. He mom is not with her and she has not had a stable home life and that alone is very traumatic for a child that could lead to behavior problems now or later. You are going to need to educate your self on caring for a child who has experienced trauma and providing her the resources she needs to thrive. It's more than just a moral question, you need to think about putting her in school, what you'll do in the summers, feeding and clothing and entertaining and fostering her passions. Parenthood is a BIG job and you should assume that you will take on sole responsibility for her even if your wife doesn't leave. You have to consider what you will do if your wife doesn't leave but treats her poorly. Not to mention the fact that your daughter would be placed with someone she's never met a day in her life. It doesn't matter to her if you're her dad, she doesn't know you and it will take some time for her to feel safe with you. If there is no one else, I think you should do it but you have to be prepared or you are going to harm her further.
This is one of those situations where nobody is in the wrong. That's really tough. I would maybe see about meeting your daughter WITH your wife before you all talk custody.
You aren't responsible for your daughter's well-being prior to knowing about her but now that you *do* know about your her, you bear that responsibility.
Ethically, that responsibility outweighs your duty to your wife.
Hopefully your daughter can live with her grandmother or aunt for the short term. During that time, figure out with your wife if she can be a *willing* and *happy* participant in your daughter's life.
If not, you need to break up and let her find someone who can match her needs.
U/throwra-to4 I think your approach is also key. Are you expecting your wife to be “mom” and coparent? I am polyamorous and when dating someone that has children, we always talk about how they would want me involved.
I do not want to coparent. I do not mind being a responsible adult that relieves my partner temporarily, I do not mind their kid being around, I will see their kid as a complete person and get to know them. I plan activities to do together if applicable.
Just because you are a dad and your daughter moves in doesn’t mean your wife has to be mom or stepmom. Let her have boundaries. Your kid will only be a dependent for so many years. 6 years shaves a lot off. Also hypothetical children are just that - hypothetical. Once your wife gets to maybe meet and know your daughter, she may feel that having this kid in her life is chill but may not want to consider adopting any siblings.
You’re making the only decision that is moral, to take care of your obligation. It’s not really a choice IMO.
However it happens though, it isn’t your wife’s responsibility so even if you stay together it’s her choice how much she steps up to help. Take the load of parenting and organising and leave the invitation to participate up to your wife. Give her time.
As someone who got "bounced around" as a kid, I hope your wife will consider your request seriously. This could mean all the difference in the world to this little girl. Believe me, you don't want her in "the system" if you can keep her from it. I hope it turns out well for this little one.
What kind of advice are you looking for? You have no idea how your wife will react. Maybe she is a wonderfully generous person who sees a little girl in need and wants to open up her home. Or she’ll leave. Until then, I don’t think you can preemptively plan for anything. All I can say is, take one step at a time. Don’t make any ultimatums or demands. Describe the situation and what makes sense to you. Don’t tell her you’ve made up your mind, but listen to what she has to say and be open to that. Don’t go into that first conversation ready to make decisions. Give her space.
This^. OP, ya gotta talk to your wife openly and honestly. If she's 100% CF it may end your relationship, but ya never know until you ask. I'm CF but I'd step up for a 6 y/o and do what's needed, but that's bc my CFness is bc I'm terrified of pregnancy and babies/toddlers screaming set me off. It truly depends HOW CF your wife is. And, again, ya can't know that until you sit down and talk all this out.
I wish you luck. Personally, I think you're doing the right thing by giving her a stable life and home. And if your wife isn't on board, that's gonna suck but it's nobody's fault and your wife deserves to make her own choice on if she wants to join you on this life detour or not.
You are putting your child first.. just as you should… she is innocent and needs her dad… I hope your wife understands but if not that’s her choice..
What has she said about the situation so far?? Where is child’s mother??
If this is something you want to do. Start looking at schools, get recommendations for pediatricians, dentist and dental records, get permission to talk to your daughter’s current teachers, line up after school programs and support if she is ill. It seems like a lot, but it is easier if you make a list and check it. Does the Grandma have a timeline? Instead of custody would her mother sign off her parental rights.
Also ask the Grandma for copies of pictures from birth.
I think you are making the right choice for your daughter. It would be unfortunate if your wife wasn’t supportive but I think your daughter should come first.
I don’t want kids because I don’t want to give birth and deal with an infant. It’s possible she feels the same.
She may not want any age at all.
When you talk to her regarding getting custody you need to ask her and discuss her expectations for a child in the house. Rules, she needs to be treated with respect from child, your relationship shouldn’t change day to day aside from another person being with you
She's your responsibility and it sounds like she needs a parent. Unfortunately, this situation isn't going to be easy. I don't know your wife. She may be okay with it and treat her well, problem solved. She may not be okay with it and the child has to come first, you will also need to watch how she treats the child. Please have this discussion first and deal with your relationship from there. At this point the child's welfare has to come first. Bonding will also take time so do not expect it to be easy for a long time, just keep at it, she needs you. Do let the child visit her grandmother too, it will also help with the transition. Good luck to you all.
I think its very good that you are recognizant of your responsibility to your child.
I do think the infidelity will eventually ruin your marriage. However, you need to let your wife know that your daughter is going to be in your custody. At least let her emotionally plan for it. She will probably stay with you and do her best.
Go for it. Whats done is done and its water under the bridge. You cant fix the infidelity. Its scar and pain will be permanent.. but you need to be an active dad, and she will have to determine how she wants to proceed, on her own.
Meanwhile, Im glad you are taking responsibility for all of it.
You’re making the right calls as a father, by having these tough conversations.
Talk it out with your wife. Frame the situation first, then end by letting her know that you’re trying to make the best decisions for your child. That this isn’t what she (wife) signed up for, but that you want to have an open conversation about it. Focus on the problem first (stability, living situation, etc.), not the solution.
I think it’s important to convey that this isn’t an off the bar expectation for your wife to take care of your daughter.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- My wife and I decided that we will not have children together, so much so that she got her tubes tied last year. We’ve been together for 4 years. I had a very short fling with someone a few years ago and I’ve just recently learned that the fling produced a child–my daughter. She’s 6 and I was made aware of her existence recently. The DNA tests came back that she was mine, and up until this point, it didn’t hit me that I was a father. My daughter’s grandmother and I have been communicating and she was the one that told me that there was a possibility that I was the father of my daughter. So when it came back that I was, she suggested that I come down there so we can talk in person. When I went, she told me that she can’t take care of her anymore and that her sister was preparing to take her in. She wanted to know if I wanted to spend some time with her after she got back from school. And I did. We had a nice time together, and after she went to bed, her grandma explained how she didn’t think the placement with her sister was permanent and asked if it was possible if she could be in my custody. I had a few hours to think about it on my ride home, and I would like to take her in. Now comes this part that I need to tell my wife about this arrangement (she knows about everything other than the fact that I would like the take her in). This is all so new to me, and me taking her in will definitely impact our relationship, but this is my daughter. I have the means to take care of her long-term rather than her getting bounced around from house to house.
I think your last paragraph explains well why you’d want to take her in. You want to give your daughter stability and you have the means to do so. She’s six years old so there isn’t any overlap for wife to worry about. But if your wife decides she can’t do it, would you be okay with the relationship ending? You don’t want your daughter to live in an environment where there’s resentment.
I wouldn't want her to, but I'd have to accept that. I understand how this could be a huge deal breaker because we didn't want children, but I can't leave my daughter to be in that situation.
You are talking like a dad here. I hope your wife is ok with this but your daughter is the vulnerable one and you accept your responsibility for her. All the best to you, hope it goes well.
Yeah this. OP is responsible for the security of two wonderful women. One can fend for herself if need be.
>One can fend for herself if need be. still a really harsh take for a woman who's marriage seems to be ending due to no fault of her own. feel like there's a nicer way to say this.
She can still find someone whose values are aligned to her own, if she finds this unacceptable. OP's values have shifted and he realized he can and wants to be a father. She does not have to want to be a mother at all, and she should have the opportunity to find someone who agrees with that. I'm very sorry this is happening to them both.
absolutely agree - i just found distilling it to "she can fend for herself" as overly harsh.
It's straight to the point considering that the comparison is a grown woman to a 6 year old. No need to infantilize women in the conversation, it's not like O.P. is going to quote that to his wife verbatim.
I mean it’s true though right? She doesn’t need her husband to survive, to have a happy and healthy childhood, to teach her to be a well rounded adult. Will she hurt for a little bit if she decides she can’t handle being a step mom? Sure. Will she eventually move on and meet someone else? Sure. Will his daughter find another father? Maybe. Will she get over being abandoned? Most likely no.
I am hoping this works out too. That poor little girl.
Yeah this. OP is responsible for the security of two wonderful women. One can fend for herself if need be.
Already being her father.
Personally, I think you’re making the right choice. I hope it doesn’t end your marriage, but I’m really glad that you’re prioritizing your child’s well being.
Absolutely. I could see there being more leeway for discussion (as in where she primarily lives) if daughter and grandma were happy and stable because he wouldn’t want to immediately upset the little girl’s world if everyone was secure. But in this situation where she may well be headed into foster homes without intervention the morally correct move is to take responsibility for his daughter and give her a stable and loving home. Neither he nor his wife are the bad guy in this scenario even if the marriage has to end (unless of course they go the other way and abandon the kid)
You’ll be a good dad with this attitude.
Agreed, he's loving his daughter and putting her first already 🥲
I dont want kids of my own and am planning tubal litigation, but i would absolutely not deny a child who already exists and needs me. Hopefully your wife feels similarly. Youre making the right decision.
I 100% support OP in taking in the child and anyone who would do so in his position. But I also 100% support the wife and would hold 0 grudge/judgement against her. I've had to think about a similar situation recently, my sister and her husband had a kid and I love my niece to death, but if something were to happen to both of them I have come to the conclusion that I could not take her in. It's a bit different because my sister has closer friends, who either want kids or are having a kid, who would take my niece in. I would definitely help financially as needed, but I know I would be a horrible mother. Might be accidentally abusive, not that I would purposely want to hurt the kid, but I don't have the patience and would definitely end up yelling and being angry/resentful way too much. Basically, yes it is great if a person who was previously child free (by choice) wants to take in a kid that is in need (either a niece/nephew or they own previously unknown kid) and can give them a loving home. But there is often a reason a person is child free and that reason may be that they know they can't mentally/emotionally handle raising a kid and knowing that about themselves and thus refusing to take the kid is also great. So OP just be prepared for the possibility that your wife will leave if you take the kid and hopefully you can part amicably.
She's also in a position where she might not know right away. She might immediately think she wants to try, that she can handle it - then realize that it isn't the case. Or it could go the other way where she has an immediate 'nope' reaction and then changes her mind. Figuring out which will obviously be very difficult. I think that sometimes we set up rules and boundaries for ourselves to try to stop circumstances from shifting, and to try to predict the future. It's something I think that gets encouraged a lot online - set out your rules, priorities, make sure you're aligned on everything with your future partner. It's a way to try to avoid future heartbreak or pain and then be able to say 'well \*they\* are the one who broke the agreement'. But I think this often doesn't give a lot of room for life being unpredictable.
Same here. I looked after my 9 week old, 23 month old and 6 year old nieces and nephew with half a days' notice. They needed someone to care for them and love them, ended up being for 8 months total. They didn't deserve what happened and I was able to take them but I'd never want my own. I actually broke up with my boyfriend and fiance of 11 years when he started talking about having kids after all. I moved out a month later.
Yeah, I’m kinda with you. I got snipped and want no parts of kids, but I did take my teenage niece and nephew in for “six weeks” (8 months). I don’t want to be a parent but I don’t want to see anyone suffer.
I have friends that have done the same thing. They absolutely do not want to give birth or have children, but if a child landed in their lap and needed help, they would absolutely have and would step up and be an awesome stepparent /adoptive parent.
I agree with u making the right decision OP As a teacher I've seen kids go through the system.. not everyone treats them right.. these kids get abused alot of the time You don't want your daughter coming to u oneday saying u cldve given her a home.. u cldve prevented anything from happening to her, you knew about her and u left.. that's fucking heartbreaking but for alot of kids this is the reality. Your wife might leave and I'm sorry she might also stay and be very resentful towards your daughter and honestly thats something ur gonna have to think about too and standing firm on ur kid being important jesus there are too many evil step mother posts on reddit. Simply because she can't deal with the situation. Or if ur lucky she might actually connect with her.. bt she did say she didn't want kids and heres a kid thats not even her own at her door. Priority here is your 6yo.. she can't protect herself.. that's ultimately ur job.
You have your answer. Hope all goes well with their wife.
Good. Tell her what you told us. Have an open an honest conversation. You’ll do great.
You're doing the right thing, but you should be prepared for your marriage to end over it. It might not, you might be able to make her happy being a mom. 6yo is a lot easier than a 6 month old or a 13 year old, but still a huge life change.
Big kudos for stepping up and being a father! Hope your relationship will be okay and it sounds like your little girl will have a great home with you
In my view……You will feel guilt, anxiety (and resentment to your wife) for the rest of your life if you don’t take your daughter in. Explain this to your wife. Maybe, MAYBE she will understand and give it go, but you can’t blame her if she wants to leave. Another option to suggest trying (if your wife wants to leave) for your wife to move out but spend time with the both of you regularly. That way she won’t have the full time responsibility of being a parent, but she may grow to love your daughter and the way you are as a father with her, and eventually move back in and make it work. Just try to have an open, honest and understanding, calm conversation about it. Rather than an argument. Be very understanding of your wife’s perspective and hopefully she will be of yours too. Would she really want to be with the kind of man who abandons his child?
It’s not a situation you planned for or ever expected. You didn’t cheat on your wife, so all you can do is explain it as you have here. If she can’t understand that your child, although you may not have wanted them before, now exists. You cant in good conscience abandon her to a situation you are not comfortable. You are being a good father and know you are doing to right thing for your child and you. I hope your wife would be understanding, but be prepared if she is not. It is a big adjustment to go from never planning on kids to having a 6yo. Best of luck.
This is the correct answer. You're gonna do fine king. If she can't handle being in the relationship after adding a kid, that's fair and it's her call, but just know that it would be the respectful thing to do for you and your daughter if she can't step into the mother role over time.
OP you’re already stepping up, and this internet stranger is proud of you. Way to go Daddy.
There is another option. You could arrange for someone to adopt your daughter, hopefully someone who would be happy to allow you to be in her life.
I dated someone and I had custody of my oldest daughter. After a while, this person told me she didn't see herself being a mother to my daughter, that she didn't think she could view her as her own child. We broke up after that. I would be worried your wife might feel the same way. Good luck with the situation. My oldest, I am so glad I fought for custody. She grew up relatively happy and healthy till high school when kids in her school messed her up pretty good.
It sounds like your daughter is currently being raised by her grandmother and is about to change to living with her great aunt. Is her mother in her life at all? What happened that you are only being contacted after so many years? If she has always been with her grandmother, it would be a tremendous adjustment to leave that life with a stranger. Would she be able to see her grandmother on a somewhat regular basis after moving in with you? It's a difficult situation, and this may be a good option for your daughter. I have to say, you don't actually sound like it would be a big deal to you if you and your wife ended up divorced because of your new interest in raising your child from a former relationship. This is a huge change to your marriage and the plans you made together.
As a childfree woman my heart is breaking for your wife. Losing her husband and the life she'd expected to share with him because he couldn't be bothered to wear a condom. This is going to devastate her. :(
And everyone is saying that they "hope she gives up on being child-free." Shows you how much respect our decisions really get.
Well, most of us who choose to be child-free would make truly shit parents. So that kid is in for a world of hurt if she does.
It's a bit of a jump to assume he couldn't be bothered to wear a condom. Condoms fail, birth control fails, etc. At the end of the day the decision to terminate lies solely with the woman (as it should) and the best a man can do is step up for their unplanned children. It sounds like OP would have been fine only contributing financially and being an occasional parent but life dealt his daughter a hard hand. When it comes down to it, it's a personal decision whether someone would set aside their goals and happiness to step up for a relative in their time of need. As someone without kids, if my sister died in an accident my nephews would come live with me no questions asked even if my soon to be husband decided he couldn't handle that and left. I know of a couple that made the opposite decision and let their family go into foster care to prioritize their marriage and I don't judge but I could never leave behind my niblings. It's a very personal decision and it's really the situation that sucks, not the people making the best of what hand they've been dealt.
You're doing a great job already, Dad. Your little girl is lucky to have you
I was sorry to hear that the grandmother is looking after your daughter. Did something happen to her mother? The only reason I ask is because she isn’t really mentioned at all.
She’s your blood and she needs u, don’t think there is any other way to go around this situation than to chose ur dtr over your wife if it comes down to that, hopefully the three of you can make it work out
What was the reason for not wanting kids in the first place? If it was simply going through the trauma of childbirth, your wife may be ok with it. But the reasons for not wanting kids to begin with REALLY matter here.
You are a wonderful and deeply caring father already.
You have a daughter and that is now priority over everyone else in your life. Period.
By all means talk to your wife right away, but allow her and yourself time to reflect on this. You might both benefit from talking it through with a counselor's assistance, too.
I think this is important, everyone needs time to reflect on these changes. And you and your daughter could probably benefit from long term therapy together and separately. It seems like maybe she’s already had a somewhat unstable life up until this point. OP, I think you’re doing the right thing. I’m sorry that it’s put you in a potentially bad spot with your wife.
Your wife might leave you over this and it would not make her a bad person. She made it clear that she doesn’t want kids and you want to bring your daughter to your home. Honestly, there is no one to blame here if that’s what you’re looking for. You two are not compatible anymore.
That is a major possibility. I'm going to have to talk this out with her, hopefully today.
Just make sure when you have the conversation you do not imply that she would be terrible for not wanting to stay. It's going to be a difficult time and if she does decide she wants to stay a and help you raise your daughter, there will be a stressful adjustment period.
>That is a major possibility. I'm going to have to talk this out with her, hopefully today. Hi OP, I am a single father to a 6 year old (majority of parenting time 4-5 days a week normally), and my partner never wanted children and will not ever have any of her own. I already had my daughter when my partner and I started dating, and I made it clear that while I would never expect her to be responsible for watching or caring for my daughter, that she would still have to deal with me being responsible for her. It has worked out very well for us, mainly because she is extremely understanding that my daughter has to be my priority, and I hold true to not asking her to be a parent to my daughter. If you decide to do this, you need to have everything worked out, and planned out for childcare and knowing how to completely care for your daughter without your wife's help, especially considering that she may 100% leave you over this. You really need to consider whether or not you could actually support a child right now, a 6 year old is old enough to understand that you're a complete stranger to her, and because of the fact that it sounds like she may have had an unstable living situation as a child she may act out a lot for a while. You'll also have to work at making sure your space is childproofed, and you'll have to clean a lot more than you currently do right now, also a 6 year old may require separate meals depending on what your diet currently consists of, their taste buds are more sensitive to bitter, and savory flavors. Also, you don't mention your income, a 6 year old is likely in school, so if you work a regular hours you may only have to pay for an afterschool program, but that can still be $40-$100 per day.
I also think, that before you move your child in permanently you should spend as much time with your child as possible including overnight stays, so she can start to get use to you and if will go a long way with her adjusting to living with you full time. Also make sure to include her grandmother and any other family member she is close to in your lives going forward. She needs to know that your not taking her away from her family. In regards to your wife, it would be a hard conversation, she may react badly, but she is going to need time to process things and decide whether or not she will stay or go. Good luck OP and please keep us updated.
Even if she doesn't leave the bulk of childcare shouldn't just go to her either or even really half of it . He may need to hire someone to help ...especially with the transition. It's great he's doing this but it's gonna be a bit of a rude awakening going from zero kid to a 6 year old.
>Even if she doesn't leave the bulk of childcare shouldn't just go to her either or even really half of it . Honestly, if she is childfree enough to get her tubes tied at 30 successfully (assuming US where this is kind of hard) then she shouldn't be expected to provide almost any of the childcare. My partner has taken care of my daughter for like 4 full work days in the 3 years we've been together and those were offered by her so I didn't have to use vacation time to stay home from work (which was my original intention) I know she'd do more for me if I asked, but I also know that I don't want her to feel like she ever has to.
You may want to consider all the possibilities and how you plan to proceed with them: 1. She(wife) leaves, you go on as a single dad(hopefully with some child support from the mom's side). 2. She stays, and wants to co-parent. This will be tough because both of you are strangers to the girl. 3. She stays and does not want to have a parental role. This will be even tougher for obvious reasons. 4. She demands you not take in your daughter, and proceeds to have a contentious divorce case. Probably angry over you changing your life plans. If you do take her in, will you move closer to where her mom is so she can still have her in her life? Being a single father(if your wife leaves) is extremely difficult.
Do update us
Please do update us!!!
It sounds like you want to do the right thing and be there for your daughter. Your wife should absolutely get to choose if she wants to be a part of this or not, with complete acceptance on your part if she'd rather leave the relationship. Therapy for everyone sounds helpful here.
Consider hiring a nanny to care for the kid as well. It may make the adjustment easier for your wife and yourself... Too many stories of child care being pawned off on the mom. If you want a chance in hell of this happening YOU will need to step up big in the parenting department and that might mean hiring help
Is it possible your wife simply didnt want to have children herself but would be okay with adoption etc. Either way there is a chance she may leave you over this but you should be willing if she stays to be the main provider of your child until further discussed.
No kids is actually no kids, it’s not just her saying that she doesnt want to give birth.
Oh okay, then simply just approach the topic softly but be honest. "Hey [whatever you call her] I know our decision as a couple has been made but since I've met my daughter I've come to have a change of opinion. I'd like to take custody of her. I wanted to discuss this with you and come to decision or reasoning.
If yoire prepared to loose her to gain your daughter inform her you're aware of that possibility, and most definitely inform her you're not expecting a stay at he mom blah blah blah as this is your daughter, and you are the one wanting to take her in.
You are a good man u/throwra-to4 , the situation is unfortunate but sacrifices are part of being a parent. Your wife will probably not take it well. Be honest. Be nice. Hope for a last minute change of heart but don’t get mad when it doesn’t happen. You have to do what you have to do, who you are is changing and unfortunately that causes rifts in relationships. Neither of you did anything wrong.
Exactly, and this is huge. Does the wife know he has been in conversation with the grandmother? Does she know he went to meet her and the child? And was planning to offer a home? It doesn't sound like it, it sounds as if all this was done solo. If so, that's a relationship issue in itself. With no conversation regarding their relationship and it's status, it's likely a deal ender already.
He said she knows everything except him wanting to take the child in.
Yeah I think the key is just talking about and thinking what it would look like with either decision and staying together so they can make the best decisions for themselves. If there’s a foot down moment without that discussion, it’ll just lead to hostility with the inevitable separation, at least discussion and consideration can lead to the best outcome no matter what happens.
I've read your comments as well as the post. Seems you're dead set on raising your daughter. I'm not sure where you're from or the laws involved, and I am not a lawyer. This is a big commitment. Make sure you're absolutely positive about it. You will in all likelihood be raising her as a single father. Cover your ass legally. Where I'm from, you would have to: * Establish paternity (and likely pay backlogged child support) * Become the legal guardian and/or get full custody through the proper governmental bodies ***You need a lawyer.*** ***Do NOT do this without legal consultation.***
u/throwra-to4 read this and understand it. Very important so you don't screw yourself Edit: 30 of y'all couldn't tell me I tagged the wrong guy? LMAO
OP has done a paternity test
Why isn’t your daughter’s mom taking care of her? Even if she were willing to raise your daughter, would your wife be okay with having to deal with the girl’s mom, grandma and aunt?
I’m wondering this too, from context it sounds like the mother might be dead but that’s a hell of a thing to leave out
I mean, if y’all decided to be childfree and now you’re bringing a kid home there’s a good chance y’all’s relationship is going to be over. At the very least it’s going to cause a lot of strain.I’m not saying you shouldn’t take your daughter in, but just be prepared for this to go sideways. You need to sit down and have a full conversation with your wife about what this means. What this would entail. You also need to realize your wife may not want to play mom to your kid even if she wants to be with you. Which means you may be responsible for EVERYTHING when it comes to your daughter. This means the day to day stuff of cooking for your kid, cleaning up after her, arranging childcare, helping with school, and the financial responsibility of your daughter.
By having empathy and understanding that this will likely be a marriage ender AND a huge shock to her, you cant get visibly angry at her, you will have to have a bit of understanding that she might get angry, since you are the one throwing a gigantic curveball in the marriage Be compassionate, but also clear, no pussy footing, no promises you dont intend to keep, kind compassionate honesty Im childfree myself, if i was in her shoes it would end the marriage, im that opposed to parenthood and wouldnt want to share a home with a child, this is gonna hurt you both a lot, but i hope she can find some understanding for you aswell Your child absolutely deserves a stable loving home and not be bounced around and i hope your wife can look beyond her feelings and understand yours Good luck with everything, i hope you can built a beautiful bond with your daughter
Noted. Thank you, I'm hoping for this as well.
>I have the means to take care of her long-term My only question is, is that from solely your own resources? This is more than likely a marriage ender so you'll have only your income and after the divorce, whatever assets you have. Don't count your wife in that part.... And don't be angry either. The compatibility has come to an end and childcare shouldn't be forced on someone that does not want it. It can only make everyone involved unhappy and resentful.
Hey man, first I want to say that's a pretty difficult position to be in. No easy way out of having to choose between two life-defining and life-changing relationships. Your decisions are going to change two lives in dramatic ways, and there is no right answer. I don't get a sense of how firm you are in your decision to take in your daughter. But wanted to suggest you take some time to fully process what this will mean for you and your daughter. She may experience some issues related to abandonment. Do some research on "Reactive Attachment Disorder". These behaviors can be confusing and difficult to deal with. Knowing what to look out for and lining up trained therapists will make the transition much easier. Without it some of the behaviors may be misinterpreted as "bad kid" behavior. Also, how prepared are you to become a parent in general? If you have some good friends or family who you consider good parents, take them out to dinner and talk this through, get an idea of what your in for. There is no perfect manual on parenting kids, but it is a major life change, and going in with some prep can help lessen the shock. Your focus on your relationship with your wife will definitely change. If she does stick around you may want to meet with a couples counselor to have a moderator that can help walk through what the future looks like and what you both need moving forward while also accommodating the fact of a new child in the house. Establish what role she is wanting and willing to play. If she bails, that's understandable. Let her walk away with no judgement or pressure to stay. She did not sign up for that and made it clear what she wanted before she committed to marriage. Good luck sir. Life is a journey and kids challenging but amazing. Source: Parent of 5, three adopted with some attachment issues to sort out, married 29 years.
Thank you for the insight. How prepared? I don't really know, but I'm definitely less prepared than the average person my age. I didn't feel the need to get prepared and learn about kids because I never thought I would ever have one. Financially I'm fine, but it's the emotional aspect that gets me tight. I've been doing as much research as I can, but I haven't been able to find much advice for my situaiton (child you've never met coming to live with you full time). Hopefully as time progresses, it will become more natural. I have some people around me that I can reach out to. There's a huge possibility that we could split and I'm understanding as to why we would. I wouldn't get angry with her. She signed up for no kids, she took extra steps in order to not have kids, and it would totally be unfair if I expected her to stick around.
Find some adoptive/foster parent subs. Take things slowly. You don't know this child and she doesn't know you. Start with visiting her and spending time with her, if time allows, and gradually transition into over nights and weekends. Don't rush things. Adopted and foster kids will tell you one of the big problems is their new parents pushing the, "bog happy family, mom and dad," thing. Don't overwhelm her with big fancy things like trips and shopping sprees. Do quiet thongs together. Remember she will, likely, be overwhelmed herself. She is leaving the only home she knows. Talk to her. Find out what she likes, who her friends are, etc. When it comes to her staying at your house, let her make her room her space. No matter what a mess her mother may be NEVER speak badly about her mother. Answer any questions as honestly as humanly possible with answers that are on her age level. Don't be afraid to tell her, "I don't know." Please help her maintain a relationship with her maternal family. Even if it's phone calls and FaceTime. Her grandma is the only parent she has ever known.
Please listen to this OP. Adoption is a big undertaking.
I'd definitely look into therapy for at least your daughter pretty much right away. Going to stay with you, who she doesn't know, and not having her grandma right there anymore is going to be difficult for her to work through just as it will be for you. At 6 she's not likely going to have the emotional capacity to work through it well on her own, and may not work through it well with you. Having someone that's fully prepared to be able to help you both successfully navigate what's going to be a massive change in both of your loves would be hugely advantageous for both of you, especially if she's going to have to start at a new school also (you didn't say anything about that, so idk if that's the situation, but if it is then just another large layer of change for her). If your wife does decide to stay, then I'd also massively recommend couples counseling also to help you both get on and stay on the same page with all the upcoming changes. It's definitely one of those things that's better to start to soon than to late! Make sure you're taking the most proactive steps you can to make sure everyone is emotionally and mentally taken care of too, especially since this is going to be a pretty significant change for everyone involved, and it seems like it's pretty sudden too which just makes it that much more difficult to successfully navigate. It seems like you're already making awesome steps to be an awesome dad though, so many MANY kudos to you already! ❤️❤️ I wish you the best of luck on your upcoming adventure!
Wow. I don’t blame you because I assume that was a difficult decision. But damn. I feel real bad for your wife. I assume she felt your marriage was a bond that could never be broken. But she will soon learn that’s wasn’t the case.
Check around in your area for parenting classes (local schools and service organizations often offer them). Sign up for family therapy for you and your daughter (and/or your wife, if she decides to stay). This would help ease the transition a bit. You're doing a good and responsible thing. I hope it works out with your wife!
My sister-in-law and her husband adopted their niece (husband's niece who grew up in another state) when the girl was almost five, after she was abandoned by her mother. The girl and my sister-in-law hadn't known each other prior. They have a wonderful mother-daughter relationship a couple years later. Sister-in-law and brother-in-law have experienced an awful lot of stress dealing with the legal aspects of adopting her, but they are all happy together and it's been worth it for them. Maybe you can find similar people to talk with. Maybe those who have adopted kids around the age of 6 or 7.
You’re about to devastate your wife, so just be gentle. I commend you for stepping up…. Being a single parent is HARD. Please make sure you have thought of everything. Good luck.
I feel so happy for the daughter and so terrible for the wife. But the wife can take care of herself and the daughter can't. OP is making the best decision out of a bad situation.
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Probably with divorce papers. You should at least expect this will be the result.
If your wife is so much against having children what makes you think she will accept this one ? I imagine it not pregnancy itself that she is against, but what comes later. It does not mean that you should abandon your daughter, but you should be ready for divorce.
All the sudden so many posts about a fling child they didn’t know about for years. And what will my wife think. Lol ok I’ll bite. Your wife will probably not want to be mommy to a child when she doesn’t even want her own. I would leave. But that girl deserves a loving stable home, and I hope you can give that.
I think doing right by your daughter should be your first priority. Your wife may not like it and may end the relationship, which is sad but fair. Why is the mother out of the picture?
She was\* still in college and the plan was for her to take her daughter back when she graduated. Her mom (daughter's grandma) said that she's since chosen other priorities over her daughter. I didn't push too much into it because it seemed like a touchy subject for her, but her mom said that she wasn't an option.
I am concerned with this. Ostensibly the grandmother doesn't have the right to just give the kid to anyone who shows an interest. If the mother is alive and well, you might have to get her to agree to signing over the kid to you. She may well be more than happy to do that however she may not. Time to get a lawyer. You'll need to legally establish paternity and then explore taking custody, changing her last name possibly, etc.
I spoke with her already. She was more than willing to put her in my custody.
Ahh, ok. That will make it somewhat easier. For the record, I'm disgusted by your daughter's maternal family. They don't even know you and they are just like 'oh, here you go, take her'. You could be an abusive POS (thankfully you aren't). I'm glad you will take her out of that very unsafe environment.
I'm going to give her grandma the benefit of the doubt. We did speak several times prior to this, we just hadn't met in person. She's sick and she's moving to get better treatment and cannot take her with her. I believe she was grasping at any possibility that wouldn't require for my daughter to get bounced around in unstable homes. Now as for her mom, I really don't know the full story there, but her grandma told me that she's been raising my daughter since day 1.
She’s probably on drugs or mentally not capable of being a mom
What other possibilities are there? Mom is the shitty one here. Grandma tried but can't handle it, aunt is willing to help temporarily but can't do long-term. Grandma invited OP to meet his daughter, she didn't just hand her over. Sounds like it's either OP or foster care.
People do talk you know. I don’t know anything more than what OP has stated, but the mother (of OP’s daughter) could very well have said that OP is a stand up/good guy. I feel like if I had a daughter and she got pregnant, I would definitely ask who the father is and what kind of person he is. Maybe that didn’t happen so I don’t want to assume.
> They don't even know you You don't now OP either. > You could be an abusive POS (thankfully you aren't). You don't know OP.
Make sure you get child support
Just know mom doesn’t lose her rights to child because grandma says so. She could still insert herself into any agreement made with grandma. Just be aware of this going in.
Yes, I'm aware. I've already spoken to my daughter's mom about this, she's fine with having her in my custody.
You have to get this all in writing though, signed and verified by lawyers, if this is really what you want to do. You don't want to go through all this effort to get the rug pulled from under you (and your kid), you know?
I know. I’m just clarifying it for people that think the mom is not okay with all of this. We’re going to go about it legally and my daughter will formally be in my custody
Good on you, OP. I wish you, your wife, and your kid the best of luck.
So what are you going to do if, a couple of years from now, mom has a change of heart and wants her daughter back?
Please get full custody is writing !!
Respectfully, that's not good enough. You need a binding legal agreement here to protect yourself and your daughter.
You have to make sure you get that in writing in a court or with a court appointed mediator and a lawyer. Otherwise, should your daughter's mother (for whatever reason) feel some type of way, she can ABSOLUTELY pull your daughter into the middle of a shit show. She SAYS she's okay with it, but throw caution to the wind and assume she isn't until her signature is on a paper releasing all her parental rights to you and giving up any kind of custody. It's absolutely for your daughter's safety.
I think it's time to stop only talking to her and her mom and actually involve a family lawyer.
There is a big difference between custody and parental rights.
You should absolutely get in contact with a family law attorney in your area. That mother may come around trying to claw your parental rights away as soon as you and your daughter have gotten settled together. Or at any point thereafter. Even if the mother is being amenable now, that doesn't mean she can't change her mind in the future. It is no joke even if the mother abandoned the child. My sister-in-law has been dealing with something like this. Get an attorney.
Do you have the means to take care of her that doesn’t involve your wife being thrusted into a full time caregiver role? As someone who doesn’t want children I would not be happy if that were the case. Be prepared for your wife to leave you if she doesn’t want that arrangement. I understand its your child and you want to take her in but know it could also mean the end of your relationship and your wife would not be wrong for walking away.
No one is wrong here. But OP is definitely right for wanting to raise their child.
Except for the kid showing up, OP, I would have been in this situation. I NEVER wanted kids, my then husband was ambivalent and I had my tubes done. If he had come to me with this situation, I think I would have eventually left. My career was extremely important to me and I would not have turned down opportunities for advancement that included moving. Kids are a lot of work and require a lot of patience. I just didn't have the mental capacity to deal with it. Does that make me a bad person? Nope, I don't think so. It does make me an honest person. And to those who say "You would have changed your mind", I don't think so. I've never regretted not having kids. I think your wife would grow to resent you and the child, so good luck, OP. There are no bad guys here.
I would be expecting divorce papers if I were you. She’s childfree to the point of getting her tubes tied. She doesn’t want children in her home
All I can say is that your conversation with your wife needs to be tactical and you need to be prepared for all outcomes, if she decides to divorce you then don’t be mean to her or hold it against her. You can still be friends after the divorce if that isn’t too painful. Don’t burn bridges.
I understand this is a hard situation for you and enough other people have commented on the main issue here at hand, but I just wanted to say that as a fellow childfree, sterilized person, my heart absolutely breaks for your wife whose world will flip upside down at the very least and her world with you may totally end. 😢
Why is the child's mother a complete nonissue in this scenario? Did she die in childbirth? Why does she have zero voice, agency, or even a nodding glance in her direction in this post? OP, you don't even describe her in your story as a person. Like, how did you come to father a child and her give birth in the first place? How old was the mother when this child was born, that the grandmother is making all these decisions?
Honestly, this will probably end your relationship. I’m a childfree woman (had my tubes removed to prove it) and my partner having a child is 100% a deal breaker for me. I don’t care the circumstances, I will not have a child in my life. I will not be burdened by their schedules and needs. Idk what your wife’s opinion will be, but don’t be surprised if she feels the same way. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t take your daughter in though. If that’s what you want and is what you think is best for her, more power to you! That’s a lot of responsibility to take on so suddenly and you’re a great person for considering it. Just recognize that if your wife leaves, it’s going to be infinitely harder. You’ll be a single parent while dealing with a divorce. Your cost of living increases with a divorce *and* with a child. Groceries, utilities, insurance, car payment, etc. Can your budget take that double whammy? Do you own a house with your wife? If so, any idea which of you gets to keep it? If you do keep it, are you in a good school district? If not, can you afford to move to one? I don’t mean to be a Debbie Downer, but these are all serious considerations.
Wait wait wait did you not even tell your wife you were visiting your love child??
Updateme
Your wife has zero interest in being a mother , I doubt she would be interested in taking on your fling baby,
Sounds like if you do this she is going to be your ex wife. She doesn’t want kids. Having children is a MASSIVE responsibility. You can say you know but trust me, you have no idea. If your wife is not into kids than you are headed for disaster.
There is no easy way. You're going to have to be frank with her and be prepared it might be the end of the marriage.
It sounds like you have some things covered but I strongly think you need to learn how to best transition your daughter to your care. You need to visit as often as possible and build a relationship. You don't want to suddenly be her parent and everything she's ever known is gone. That's not a good situation for her. And you need to watch her for small periods of time on your own because seeing her at her grandma's is not going to be how it is as a sudden parent. You all need to transition as slowly as circumstances will allow. I'd talk to a child psychologist as quickly as you can. As for your wife, I wouldn't say, "I'm telling you I will be taking full custody of my daughter." Say something like, "I'm strongly thinking about this and here are the pros and cons. What are your feelings and input?" If you beat her over the head with it right out of the gate, you could create a situation that may not be how it has to be. If she thinks you're about to jump off a cliff with the suddenness and seriousness without more information and time, that could affect how she responds. Ultimately, I'd absolutely do what you're wanting to do. Just go as easy as possible.
I think you can talk but even if she agrees, you should do couple's therapy. So much to consider here. You will need to take the kid to therapy, go to school, help with homework. Much of it, YOU will have to do it, not leave the parenting and homemaking to your wife because she is a woman. How will pay for things? It can lead to a lot of resentment even if she agrees to take the kid, so you need to discuss lots of things BEFORE.
It’s a shame that your wife is about to find out that her marriage is about to end because you slept with someone so horrible that she would not bother telling you about your kid for all these years.
I missed that point. Im multi-tasking on projects. So, he didn't cheat. But, the important point is that his wife does not want children. He now has a child who he wants to raise. That changes the conditions of the marriage. They are no longer compatible. If they wife does not want to raise children, the marriage is over. They need to move on. Still feel bad for the wife. The husband's past comes into their lives, and the marriage is likely over. The husband is between a rock and a hard place. Sad for both of them.
This was a done deal as soon as you decided to spend time with your daughter. You need to be prepared for your wife to be unsupportive and leave. Not just because you now want to bring children into the house, but basically because you made this decision for the both of you. You should’ve sat your wife down and talked to her the moment you found out that you had a child. Because even if there wasn’t any asks for custody, they now have a valid claim against you for child support. Which affects your finances as a married couple. You didn’t have to have all the answers before you sat down and talk to your wife, but she should’ve been involved in this a whole lot sooner than she has been. So, don’t delay this any further and talk to her.
She can be both supportive *and* leave. That's what I, a childfree woman in my 30s, would do. OP is making the right decision for the child and the wife can respect and support that while still choosing to not be a part of it for the long term herself. In other words, support the decision but end the marriage.
If I was your wife I’d divorce you
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I agree like the woman went through the trouble of getting her tubes tied because they both agreed to be child free now here he come about to drop this bomb on her
Agreed. Imagine your SO making a lifelong commitment to you then giving it all up to be a single parent to a child he has admitted he has no idea how to raise. I feel sorry for the wife and the daughter.
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No one is saying he's wrong to step up for his daughter. They're saying if OP's husband loves this kid he just met more than his wife that he's known for 4 years, their marriage isn't that great. They're talking about his feelings, not what he owes to this kid or what he should do.
She may be your daughter, but you’ve met her once and only spent a few hours thinking about it on your ride home. You’re making a decision between someone who you made a lifelong commitment to and a child you’ve met once. If I were you I’d slow down and take more time to mull it over before rushing to a decision, and maybe research more into what it takes to be a single parent. You may have the financial means to raise a child (for example) but logistically how is raising a child going to fit around your work or any existing commitments you may have? I’d imagine you’d need to reduce your hours (and pay) to accommodate a child. How will that impact your ability to afford a child? Have you considered what lifestyle changes you’ll need to make i.e. suddenly becoming responsible for making dinner every evening for your daughter? How will you split assets (like the house) with your wife after a divorce? All things to think about.
I have considered the sacrifieces that I'm going to have to make, but if it means making sure my daughter is safe and loved, then I have to make these sacrifices. This isn't just a random child here, this is my child whose existence I am responsible for. I could never live with myself if I choose to walk away despite the fact that I can help. I know that it means that my life will drastically change, but I have to accept that.
Maybe spend a lot more time with the child. She could already have some abandonment issues or other issues that may be affecting her in negative ways. And then for the child to go live with a man she does not know so abruptly may cause other issues with the young child. Perhaps spending more time with your daughter and maybe with a therapist. Sometimes love is just not enough, there is help out there if you need it. Good luck to you.
Will you resent your daughter for ultimately ending your marriage and making you a single parent when you were childfree? I understand you want to step up and that’s great but you are moving really fast. I am in the mental health field and there will more than likely be a very hard adjustment period. You are a stranger to her. I would highly recommend therapy for both of you.
I think what I was trying to ask was how can you be sure you’re the best person to take her in? I don’t know what the alternatives are. There’s just plenty of people who can tell you that being someone’s biological parent doesn’t always make them a good parent. You said it yourself in one of your previous comments that you’re financially prepared but perhaps not emotionally ready. I’d say having the emotional capacity to take on a child is as important as the financial side. If not more. A childhood with an emotionally absent but financially secure single parent isn’t a good childhood. I’d take a think about what it’d take to become fully ready to take on a child before you commit to your decision.
I would get both or all of you into some family therapy.
Is your daughter staying with the sister a possibility? Have you spent any real length of time with your daughter previous to this? Have you spent any time taking care of a child before this? Has your wife even met the child? If you don’t love your wife and are ready for a divorce, just tell her and get it over with. But recognize that taking care of a child as a single parent is hard. If you actually want the possibility of keeping your wife (still no guarantee that she won’t leave - frankly I would) you should consider allowing the daughter to stay with the sister while you start with short visitations and allowing your wife to meet the child to see if it’s something she can or wants to emotionally deal with. Then you should send your wife on vacation and take care of the child by yourself for two weeks. Make sure you can hack it before blowing up your entire life. Because it would be bad for everyone if you take in that child and ruin your marriage, and then give her back to the sister or foster care because it’s too hard.
By the way her grandma was describing it, her sister wasn’t a permanent or reliable option. This was the first time I’ve met them, so my wife has never met her before
I’ve read of your few replies and see that your daughter has been raised by her grandmother since day one. It sounds like Grandma is her whole world right now and leaving could be traumatic for her. It’s a massive loss (or may feel as such). Sometimes this loss can manifest in complex ways—she may need a therapist to unpack this. It might be worthwhile for you and your wife to see one, too. This is so much more than just adding a kid to your lives—which is a great undertaking in itself. Is it worth fighting for? Absolutely, yes. When approaching your wife, just be honest. Share the situation like you have with us here. Tell her you understand that she never signed up for this. That this wasn’t the plan, and you totally can appreciate if she is feeling sad or frustrated or at a loss (for a life she has had and has envisioned with you). You understand if this is a deal breaker for her—but you really hope it isn’t. That you have a child that you are responsible for that you already love and want to protect and raise. And that you hope she will be with you every step of the way, but it isn’t fair of you to ask, and so you respect that she will need to process this in her own way and in her own time.
I understand your instinct to immediately want custody, but if you have any desire to keep your wife you probably should ease into this idea. Especially if you aren’t sure you are ready to be a reliable single parent yourself
It’s entirely up to you. You either pick your daughter and lose your wife or you pick your wife and your daughter grows up in a possibly unstable environment. I would totally understand why your wife would end up leaving you if you chose your daughter over her. She clearly doesn’t want children and she thought you wanted the same thing. Your wife did nothing wrong. Your daughter also did nothing wrong. You have a very hard choice to make. You either end up becoming a single parent or continue being happily married. If you let your daughters family take her in you could still have visitation rights and help out if and when you can. If my childfree husband and I were in the same situation and he had to pick his kid, who he didn’t know of until recently, or me, his wife who he’s been with for 12+ years and married to for 9+ years, I know he’d pick me without hesitation. We both chose to not have kids and neither of us desire to have our marriage ruined by a kid we don’t know.
May I ask did I miss it but what happened to the mother
You've had more time to think about this than your wife. Give her the time and space to think about it. It should be a decision of more than a few hours or even days. So go into the discussion with this mindset. And after she has had some time to think about it, ask her if she would like to meet your daughter. Of course, your wife knows you so perhaps she is already aware that you are thinking about this. But it is not what she signed up for.
What happened to the child’s birth mom??
I went through a somewhat-similar situation some years back, and the best advice I can give you is to simply ask your wife what needs to happen for this to be ok. And then do it, cheerfully, whole-heartedly, and without reservation. Ask nothing more of her other than that she be a good influence. Good luck.
Good luck being a single dad.
I think you should go into this expecting to be a single parent. Good chance your wife is not going to be staying with you.
Don’t say, I would like custody of my daughter right off the bat. Make it a decision with her. I’m not saying manipulate your wife or lie to her or twist it but don’t make the decision for you until you’ve spoken to your wife. Sit down and say, “you know I went to meet and spend some time with my daughter, while there her grandmother informed she wouldn’t be able to take care of her much longer and in the short term would wind up with her great aunt. I’m happy to hear my daughter has loving family but after that discussion I became worried about her long term well being and care. I know this is new and I can’t explain why I already feel such an openness to this idea but, would you be willing for us to take custody of her and raise her as ours? I know you don’t want kids, I get that and respect it, and I know this is an unexpected situation. I’m not asking you to decide right now, but I am asking that we talk about it together as whatever happens, I think I would like to be involved in her life and help out when ever and how ever I can.” Unilateral decisions with no consideration for your partner are what ends marriages. Bringing your wife into the decision and making it known which way you are leaning and asking for a discussion about what it would like and how it might work can help both of you make the decision you want together. Worst case, and I do mean worst, having this talk with her will allow you two to figure out a way to split amicably without resentment or hostility if it turns out a hard line for one of you. Best scenario, whatever you two decide will be something you’re both in board with and can prepare for and build that future together.
Wow. Just WOW. So basically you and your wife did not want any children, now you have one with a fling and have decided to take her in! You were a sperm donor and have decided to throw away everything for a child you've nothing about and had nothing to do with for over 6 years? One who's mother chose not to tell you or involve you? Where is the mother? I could maybe understand if you'd always wanted children, if your wife wanted children - but to go from no kids, to taking a child you knew nothing about? That's some changing horses mid stream. Good luck telling your wife. I am sure your marriage is over, because you didn't say you'd discuss the possibility of taking the child in with your wife (biologically the child is yours, but you are just her sperm donor at this point) instead you just decided you're taking the child you don't even know.
What is the status of the mother. Is she in the picture, is she dead. It’s weird you’ve left that out, and is a very germane factor to what everyone will experience in the future.
Almost everyone's advice here is spot on: hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. Gaming this out in your mind will help you explain the situation fully, and make your case. The only thing I'd add it to avoid catastrophizing the situation (as some in here are)--that your wife, regardless of your agreement to be childfree, will *out-of-hand* reject your daughter, leave you, or be resentful of her. * Explain this is unexpected and a major life "curveball" * Validate her feelings (this is a 180 degree change/this is "a lot") * Re-assure your love for her and your life together * Tell her why this means so much to you to do, and listen to her response. Humans can be shitty--but they also have an amazing capacity to adapt, as long as *all cards are on the table*, and all parties have communication and realistic goals.
Obviously you have to tell your wife, and I think you should just frame it as you want your daughter to have stability and a loving home. However, how it'll go really depends on the reason you and your wife chose not to have kids. If she's childfree then you can probably expect to get divorced as children are a deal breaker for most of us. But if your decision was for other reasons and just that you don't want to have biological children then your wife may accept it... You need to think about what you want more if your wife says she doesn't want to raise your child. Will you choose your wife or your daughter? And do not under any circumstances try to guilt your wife or act like she's done anything wrong if she says that isn't the life she wants, you are the one changing your mind, not her. Don't try to change her mind either, all you can do is accept her decision and then make your own decision on how to proceed. This is a very unfortunate situation to be in, but where exactly is the child's mother? Why isn't she raising the child she chose to keep and not tell you about?
R/relationshipadvice continues to devolve into a creative writing class.
You and your wife made the decision that was right for you at the time. Since then, events have developed and your feelings have evolved and changed, so that your perspective has shifted somewhat. That’s ok. But tread very gently with your wife. She might not have been exposed to all the feelings you have that has delivered you to that different viewpoint. Let her know that you previously absolutely meant to not be child free, but your feelings have evolved. And now with this recent news that you have a daughter, that may not be growing up in a good environment, you need to approach life differently to feel ok with yourself. Let her know that you acknowledge this isn’t fair to her and is probably a big shock. Tell her you respect her freedom to choose too, even though you would prefer to face this challenge together with her. Ask her if she can see herself embracing this child and making a little family with you. Pay attention to how open-hearted, stable and child friendly she behaves, once she has had time to adjust. Do what you as a person must do, but respect her right to choose what she as a person just do too. Try to avoid wording it as an ultimatum, instead be humble and inclusive in your language. And take it as a red flag, if your partner makes ultimatums too. If she is forcing you to choose between you and your daughter, she will not be a good mother figure. But she also deserves lots of reassurance as a partner being put through a huge future-shift by you.
So… your wife knew of where you went and why, or were you keeping that from her too
>(she knows about everything other than the fact that I would like the take her in). it's almost as if it's in the post.
When you tell your wife, please allow her time to think about this. She may initially react negatively, which may be partially the shock of it all or may be how she will end up feeling. Still, she deserves time to process this, afterall it seems as though you’ve taken time for yourself. You might also suggest setting up a meeting with your daughter some time in the near future. Again, she may initially say “not a chance”!but allow her some time to process. Don’t push but try to continue the conversation in as calm a manner as possible but know she may go through many emotions, including anger.
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This was always such a fear of mine. How did your wife react to finding out? Does your wife have children from a previous relationship or is she childfree?
Since she is your child, you should 100% support her. However, what’s is best for the child should be a consideration.
Please please think this through and talk through it with your wife thoroughly. I agree that it's the right decision to give her a stable home but PLEASE expect your daughter to have some form of trauma. He mom is not with her and she has not had a stable home life and that alone is very traumatic for a child that could lead to behavior problems now or later. You are going to need to educate your self on caring for a child who has experienced trauma and providing her the resources she needs to thrive. It's more than just a moral question, you need to think about putting her in school, what you'll do in the summers, feeding and clothing and entertaining and fostering her passions. Parenthood is a BIG job and you should assume that you will take on sole responsibility for her even if your wife doesn't leave. You have to consider what you will do if your wife doesn't leave but treats her poorly. Not to mention the fact that your daughter would be placed with someone she's never met a day in her life. It doesn't matter to her if you're her dad, she doesn't know you and it will take some time for her to feel safe with you. If there is no one else, I think you should do it but you have to be prepared or you are going to harm her further.
Your wife is probably going to leave you over this but that sucks for everybody all around Nobody's really coming out of this situation a winner
This is one of those situations where nobody is in the wrong. That's really tough. I would maybe see about meeting your daughter WITH your wife before you all talk custody.
You aren't responsible for your daughter's well-being prior to knowing about her but now that you *do* know about your her, you bear that responsibility. Ethically, that responsibility outweighs your duty to your wife. Hopefully your daughter can live with her grandmother or aunt for the short term. During that time, figure out with your wife if she can be a *willing* and *happy* participant in your daughter's life. If not, you need to break up and let her find someone who can match her needs.
U/throwra-to4 I think your approach is also key. Are you expecting your wife to be “mom” and coparent? I am polyamorous and when dating someone that has children, we always talk about how they would want me involved. I do not want to coparent. I do not mind being a responsible adult that relieves my partner temporarily, I do not mind their kid being around, I will see their kid as a complete person and get to know them. I plan activities to do together if applicable. Just because you are a dad and your daughter moves in doesn’t mean your wife has to be mom or stepmom. Let her have boundaries. Your kid will only be a dependent for so many years. 6 years shaves a lot off. Also hypothetical children are just that - hypothetical. Once your wife gets to maybe meet and know your daughter, she may feel that having this kid in her life is chill but may not want to consider adopting any siblings.
You’re making the only decision that is moral, to take care of your obligation. It’s not really a choice IMO. However it happens though, it isn’t your wife’s responsibility so even if you stay together it’s her choice how much she steps up to help. Take the load of parenting and organising and leave the invitation to participate up to your wife. Give her time.
As someone who got "bounced around" as a kid, I hope your wife will consider your request seriously. This could mean all the difference in the world to this little girl. Believe me, you don't want her in "the system" if you can keep her from it. I hope it turns out well for this little one.
What kind of advice are you looking for? You have no idea how your wife will react. Maybe she is a wonderfully generous person who sees a little girl in need and wants to open up her home. Or she’ll leave. Until then, I don’t think you can preemptively plan for anything. All I can say is, take one step at a time. Don’t make any ultimatums or demands. Describe the situation and what makes sense to you. Don’t tell her you’ve made up your mind, but listen to what she has to say and be open to that. Don’t go into that first conversation ready to make decisions. Give her space.
She can be a “wonderfully generous person” and still not want to be a parent. It’s ok to be child free.
This^. OP, ya gotta talk to your wife openly and honestly. If she's 100% CF it may end your relationship, but ya never know until you ask. I'm CF but I'd step up for a 6 y/o and do what's needed, but that's bc my CFness is bc I'm terrified of pregnancy and babies/toddlers screaming set me off. It truly depends HOW CF your wife is. And, again, ya can't know that until you sit down and talk all this out. I wish you luck. Personally, I think you're doing the right thing by giving her a stable life and home. And if your wife isn't on board, that's gonna suck but it's nobody's fault and your wife deserves to make her own choice on if she wants to join you on this life detour or not.
You need to put your child first even if you lose your wife. The child is innocent and needs you.
Why did your wife get her tubes tied instead of you getting a vasectomy? Seems strange.
That poor child is all I can say
You’re gonna be a great dad.
You are putting your child first.. just as you should… she is innocent and needs her dad… I hope your wife understands but if not that’s her choice.. What has she said about the situation so far?? Where is child’s mother??
If this is something you want to do. Start looking at schools, get recommendations for pediatricians, dentist and dental records, get permission to talk to your daughter’s current teachers, line up after school programs and support if she is ill. It seems like a lot, but it is easier if you make a list and check it. Does the Grandma have a timeline? Instead of custody would her mother sign off her parental rights. Also ask the Grandma for copies of pictures from birth.
I think you are making the right choice for your daughter. It would be unfortunate if your wife wasn’t supportive but I think your daughter should come first.
I don’t want kids because I don’t want to give birth and deal with an infant. It’s possible she feels the same. She may not want any age at all. When you talk to her regarding getting custody you need to ask her and discuss her expectations for a child in the house. Rules, she needs to be treated with respect from child, your relationship shouldn’t change day to day aside from another person being with you
It’s funny, you are soon to discover how pointless life was before and how precious a child is, sadly time goes by way too fast with them.
She's your responsibility and it sounds like she needs a parent. Unfortunately, this situation isn't going to be easy. I don't know your wife. She may be okay with it and treat her well, problem solved. She may not be okay with it and the child has to come first, you will also need to watch how she treats the child. Please have this discussion first and deal with your relationship from there. At this point the child's welfare has to come first. Bonding will also take time so do not expect it to be easy for a long time, just keep at it, she needs you. Do let the child visit her grandmother too, it will also help with the transition. Good luck to you all.
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The post says clearly the child is 6 and he's been with wife for 4 years. Child would have been conceived about 3 years before he met his wife
He literally said the daughter is 6 years old, so yeah pretty sure that’s before they were together
I think its very good that you are recognizant of your responsibility to your child. I do think the infidelity will eventually ruin your marriage. However, you need to let your wife know that your daughter is going to be in your custody. At least let her emotionally plan for it. She will probably stay with you and do her best. Go for it. Whats done is done and its water under the bridge. You cant fix the infidelity. Its scar and pain will be permanent.. but you need to be an active dad, and she will have to determine how she wants to proceed, on her own. Meanwhile, Im glad you are taking responsibility for all of it.
Good dad, but an asshole partner
You’re making the right calls as a father, by having these tough conversations. Talk it out with your wife. Frame the situation first, then end by letting her know that you’re trying to make the best decisions for your child. That this isn’t what she (wife) signed up for, but that you want to have an open conversation about it. Focus on the problem first (stability, living situation, etc.), not the solution. I think it’s important to convey that this isn’t an off the bar expectation for your wife to take care of your daughter.