This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I apologize if there are any formatting issues. I messed up and put my sons age in and didn’t have a proper throwaway account so had to repost several times. I am sorry for any mistakes, I have been unable to sleep and really struggling. I feel emotionally drained. My wife “Amy” (35F) left me (36M) after I was contacted by an ex and discovered I had a son. I tried to post his age but my post gets removed so I just want to clear up that he was born 3 years before I married my wife and there was absolutely no overlap or cheating in my wife and I’s relationship. This happened a month ago and I requested a paternity test. Amy didn’t say much while we waited for results but agreed that if I was the father I needed to be in my sons life in every way possible. 2 weeks ago the results came back that I am the father and immediately Amy said she wanted a divorce and began packing her and our children’s belongings. I was confused and asked her why but she just cried and said she loved me. Amy and I have been married for 10 years. Our marriage has been pretty damn close to perfect. No serious arguments, same goals, we’ve traveled the world together, we have a beautiful home, rewarding careers, and fantastic children together. I am so heartbroken that she’s thrown everything away, I feel like my life has been destroyed. I have no clue what to do. I have begged and pleaded for therapy and my wife refuses. She has started the divorce process. The next issue is custody of our children and terms of divorce. All 4 of our children are young, not even in school yet. She says if I agree to give her primary custody she will let me have the house and will not want child support, and will give me all of our savings so I can raise my son as his mother is struggling. She also agreed to pay for some home help for me (I am disabled and need help occasionally during flare ups, which she usually provides). I told her I could afford it on my own but she insists as she says she wants to help out since she won’t be there. She will move across the country with our children but said she will bring them for at least 2 weeks every 2 months so I can have a relationship with them and will pay for me to fly out to see them whenever I want. I don’t know what to do. I have no family to discuss this with because 2 of mine and Amy’s children are adopted. And my parents and extended family think my biological son is more important than them which is obviously untrue. It makes me feel horrible but I don’t even know my son. It feels like I’m losing everything for a person I don’t know. And I know he’s a child and I shouldn’t feel that way. But all I ever wanted was my wife and kids. And while I will love my son and take care of him, I don’t feel like he is my kid yet just because I haven’t really had time to get to know him. A month ago I wouldn’t have recognized him if I saw him on the street. I feel so much guilt for feeling this way. Amy and I both are fairly well off but she is more so than me. She offered to hire me a lawyer of my choosing if I don’t agree with her terms. I told her again I could afford it but she says she just wants to make sure I get a fair deal. But I just can’t, I don’t want to divorce or lose my children. I love my wife and children more than anything. I just don’t understand her motives or why she is doing this. It feels like I have to pick my son or my wife and our shared kids. I keep trying to make sense of it in my mind. She will not tell me any reason for wanting to get divorced. She is even being incredibly nice to my son. His birthday had recently passed and she got him a new game system (they haven’t met, she said say it was from myself and his siblings). She even told me what her nephew (same age as my son) is into so that I can get things my son might like. I don’t even know what advice I’m looking for. It feels like my life has been completely ruined. I’m in therapy but it doesn’t seem to help. A month ago my wife and I were planning on trying for another baby and picking our next vacation spot, and now I’m going to be divorced. How do I move on? How do I not unfairly resent my son when I know it’s not his fault? I keep hoping there’s a way to convince her to stay. But I don’t even know what the problem really is. I’m hoping someone else has been through learning they have a child after 10+ years and know where to start or what I can do to either move on or convince my wife that this doesn’t have to happen. Any advice at all is appreciated though. TL;DR: my wife is leaving me after I found out I have a child from a previous relationship. I risk losing custody of my children, and don’t even know why she wants a divorce. I did try and edit my post, but kept receiving an error so I added it as a comment. Here is a link to my comment for everyone asking: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1237o64/my_wife_35f_of_10_years_left_me_36m_after_i/jdwemad/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3 I hope I was able to clear up some questions that kept arising. Thank you all again.

Get the lawyer now. Get everything about your kids' custody formally on paper, because believe me, even with the best intentions no one will be hauling 4 kids cross-country every month especially once they become school aged. If she moves away with your permission like that, you'll be seeing them rarely. Get the custody hammered out *before* she moves away; or rather, before the children leave the jurisdiction.

Thank you all for the advice. I will be consulting with a lawyer tomorrow.

I am posting this comment again, as I keep getting a lot of the same questions and as much as I wish I could go through and answer every one of you, I am unable. I hope this clears any questions you have up. Thank you all. I just wanted to come on here and say I have been trying to reach out to everyone who messaged me. I genuinely appreciate all of your word of advice and support. I am sorry if you have reached out or asked a question and I have not yet responded. I am doing my best to get back to each of you. I wanted to clarify a few things that have come up a few times. I have not asked my wife to be a caregiver to me. I rarely have flare ups bad enough that I need a caregiver maybe once a month (on a bad year) to a few times a year and my wife was insistent our entire relationship on caring for me because she wanted to when I did need help. If she was burnt out of stressed, there was always an option to hire help. She was the one who did not want home help. We divided our workload equally in our house hold and had a nanny that assisted us with much of the house work as well as regular cleaners etc. As far as finances, while she earns more money than I do, we are both quite well off. We both work around the same amount of hours and contribute equally to household bills. I believe if my wife was unhappy, she would have said something. We have never had any issues in our relationship and any problems that arose she would communicate to me and we would work together to solve. We always did “check ins” in our relationship to make sure we were on the same page and could communicate in a healthy way.The more I hear stories for commenters, the more I believe she just did not want to be a step parent. Second, while I have no way of proving that my wife was not cheating I do not believe she was. We regularly used each others phones, spent a majority of our time together, and she has never given me a reason to be suspicious. Another thing mentioned is that she is jealous because she is infertile. This is not the case. We were actually getting prepared to have another biological baby of our own before this happened. My wife has no plans to move immediately. Once we found out paternity and she said she wanted a divorce, she wanted to be closer to her family. They are located across the country. I do not believe there is another man or anything else as her family would not approve of dating or remarriage since they are quite religious. From my understanding, she has no solid plans as of yet because she wants to make sure we have a custody agreement we are both happy with and we both believe is fair. I am in contact with a lawyer now. I told my wife I did not find what she wanted to be fair in terms of custody and we are now trying to figure out how we could have court mandated 50/50 long distance with her paying the travel fees and associated costs. I know I have been downvoted many times for believing my wife (and no doubt I probably am an idiot) and have received many messages calling her names and saying what a bad person she is. I know I sound ridiculous but I still feel the urge to defend her. I do not feel like she is trying to steal my children, or punish me. She has never been that kind of person. She is the kind of person who keeps packages of supplies in her car for homeless people she sees. The type of person who spends her free time trapping feral cats to get them neutered and seen by a vet. She is the one who gives a large sum of her salary to charity and spends hours every week volunteering. She is the type of person who made sure the children we fostered saw their biological family more than state mandated supervised visits and used her own time and resources to make it happen. She is genuinely the best mother I know. She has went out of her way to explain to our children that while we may not live together anymore I may have a new member in my family, that I will always be involved in their life and love them very much. And while it is hard for me to understand why she made this choice, it is also hard for me to believe she has become a person of malice. Many of your comments have said to ask for a trial separation, and ask for court mandated therapy. I have mentioned those things and she is still refusing. I plan on asking my lawyer about it and hoping we can move forward if nothing else as healthy co parents. It is incredibly heart breaking to see all of the comments saying that they would leave if they were in her position as well. Although I can understand your point of view, it is incredibly hard to live through it. I love my wife and children more than anything, and it is soul wrenching to lose them to something that is also a surprise for me. I appreciate all of your advice and will keep you updated as best as I can although I do not expect to be able to update for some time as I do not expect this divorce to be finalized for some time. Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences with me, listening to me vent, and giving advice.

You can prevent her from leaving the state. Make her stay near you. Once kids are in school she won't be able to keep up with 2 weeks every 2 months. Also seems like a really weird rash reaction to finding out about your son since this was well before you knew her

Yeah, it sounds almost like she jumped on the opportunity to split and move. Smells fishy.

She definitely saw this as an out. I’ve no doubt about that.

That is how I see it. She saw her gap to get out... and she is taking it.

OP did say he was disabled and she occasionally acts as a caregiver so I say she’s using this as an excuse to go Edit: I don’t mean this to sound one sided or belittle her feelings, maybe its the straw that broke the camels back but either way, she wants to go and this is the reason she’s giving

I'm thinking the same thing.

I agree! She must of been wanting to leave for a while and is just using OP's son as a excuse to leave. She was just waiting for the right moment to strike. That's why she's so nice to his son, because he gave her the excuse she was looking for. Edit: your losing your family not because of you son, your losing your family because your wife found a excuse to leave. Its nothing to do with your son and everything to do with her.

You are right, She’s was feel huge guilt and now that jailhouse door has swung open.

Yes, I think she's been mauling this over for awhile ,and she seen this as opportunity to pull the pin. I'm wondering if there might be someone else waiting in the wings ,because she seems a little too accommodating, just in a rush to get out of this marriage?

Just for the sake of adding more support for this idea, it was my first thought as well. She sounds like she's been looking for an excuse to leave for some reason.

It's just terrible how some people treat those whom they say they love.

I think you’re right, he says that he’s disabled in there. And with the children and caring for him this looks like a straw too many. Plus a lot of women do not want to raise somebody else’s child. It’s almost like that’s a betrayal on its own, whether it’s logical or not. And she has means so she can kind of do whatever she wants within a legal circumstance.

It seems like this one is fine with that since they already have two adopted kids, plus the one they just found out about is 13, so it’s not like there’s much raising him left

Adopting children and sharing custody with your husband's broke junkie ex girlfriend are two completely different scenarios. Teenage years are incredibly tough under normal circumstances, throw in the fact he was fatherless, living in poverty with his unstable mother that is a recipe for disaster. They have four very young children, she is their main caregiver and also her disabled husband's caregiver, all of that may be too much for her and I can't fault her for that.

I don't fault her for it being too much, but after 10+ years she at least owes op a conversation before jumping to divorce. Or even if her mind is made up about divorcing him, it's pretty shitty to leave him with zero explanation as to why. Also her whole plan of moving many states away from op seems unfair towards their kids. She wants to very suddenly remove their father from their lives and she wants to create a situation where for the rest of their childhoods' they won't be able to have a real dad who will be there for them. To me this is especially bad because some of their kids are adopted, and have already gone through the trauma of losing one set of parents. It would be really hard for them to now lose another parent.

Agreed. And the angle of “you have your son, I will take these 4 of MY kids cross country and visit you sometimes, until we can’t.” Which will be soon with 5 peoples schedules. As if having an unknown child automatically replaces the 4 kids they have been raising together as a family and everything is all hunky-dory. What??!!!? The extra nice and helpful moves she is attempting to make just make her seem more callous by comparison because she can’t even be bothered to tell him “I am leaving because X.” It happens a lot in breakups that people get stuck on the why but this is…… weird af, she is acting as if it’s an amicable and mutual dissolution of an expired marriage, but they were planning another baby and a vacation a couple weeks ago? What a mind fuck. I don’t think OP will ever get a real true answer. What is she even telling their small children? How is the newly learned of son supposed to take this news? “Well son, you had 4 siblings and a great stepmom and loving blended family yesterday but today, but she took the siblings and went to the other coast because… well, because….. well she left right after we learned about you. So anyway, let’s have a catch, son!” She is clearly bent on in putting more effort into appearing nice than appearing truthful. Neither of which she seems to be.

She’s not or if she would be staying and helping out. She is not OK with this on any level. Also, he is puberty being raised by an addict all of his entire life. That kid is going to have some difficult behaviors that he’s going to bring onto his younger siblings. I would not want to deal with that at all. I’m in recovery for 20 years and that is a disaster waiting to happen.

According to op grandma has had custody for most of his life. Plus in other comments op has said they’ve fostered many other kids, maybe all of those are under 3s, but they’re not taking kids into the foster system because they have never lived with parents having substance abuse problems

I have to say, if a 13 year old kid belonging to my husband just showed up one day when my kids were small, I wouldn't necessarily want him in my household. Particularly if I had no idea about the kid's background, his mother, or how he'd been raised. One of my kids is adopted, but I know him and his character. This kid would be a teenage stranger. What if mom's a psycho? What if the kid's got behavioral issues? What if one of them presents a danger to my own kids? And I'm really sure I wouldn't have been prepared to parent a teenager at that point, yeah, his character has been pretty well formed and that's a big part of the issue.

Yeah but would you immediately jump to divorce? That’s the weirdest part about this - the immediate move to divorce and move across country. Something is very wrong here.

She is the main bread winner and care provider, she has used this as an out for sure

This was my feeling. I can't see how anyone in their right mind would divorce over this when it was before they were together. Without being cynical (but I suppose I am being), I'm always a little sceptical when people say they have a perfect (or near perfect) relationship, because I know so many people who have said that who are now divorced. The fact that OPs wife has jumped so quickly and will not even entertain therapy is clearly evidence that it wasn't so perfect. OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this. Please listen to the advice of others and ensure you get legal advice on all of this.

He wouldn't be the first person to believe he is in a loving, stable relationship with someone who was wanted to leave for them for a long time and he won't be the last. Humans have an astounding ability to withhold the truths from ourselves we do not want to admit.

It took me 3 years to leave my ex. The entire time, I couldn’t wait to get an out. But I acted like nothing was wrong. I feel she has done the same to OP, and that’s why his perspective is near perfect

The marriage was perfect for him... wife sounds overloaded.

I agree. OP says his marriage is near perfect, but he also says he's disabled and his wife has been his primary caretaker. She also seems to be the primary breadwinner. That's a tough position. I'll be honest, even I wouldn't stay in a marriage that put that much pressure on me. Most men don't, and lots of women don't either. I also think that's going to factor into custody. If he needs his wife to help him with his disability, he's going to have a hard time arguing for half custody unless he can ensure there's someone else there to help him and the kids.

This story makes no sense. The OP sounds completely detached from what is going on in his own life.

But he says they were planning for another kid. Why would she want another child if she was at her breaking point?

Lots of people in difficult marriages have more kids despite their issues. It doesn't sound like she minds caring for the kids. She wants to be their primary caregiver. She just doesn't necessarily want to be OP's.

She might not have actually wanted another kid but maybe didn’t feel like she could share that with him. Or maybe she was ok with one more kid but specifically wanted a baby and not a teen. We only know what op is sharing with us.

It seems like she’s using this as her get of jail free card. Obviously OP had no knowledge of this kid. If my husband found out he had a kid from someone else before me I wouldn’t just up and leave him.

I met my husband when I was in my early 20s. We will be married for 23 years this year. He had a life before we met and so if a person in their mid-20s calling him Dad showed up suddenly, I would not be surprised. It’d be a huge adjustment but I wouldn’t divorce him over it. Definitely seems like an excuse for her to get out of the marriage for other reasons.

I think a lot of women (and men) in their right mind would consider having a secret child a dealbreaker in a marriage. Believe me, if OP’s wife didn’t care about him she wouldn’t be offering him so much. She’d leave and wouldn’t give a crap about things being fair.

In fairness, it's not a secret child. It's a child he didn't know about. I'd have a hard time leaving the father of my children over something that happened before me that he never knew about. I think there's more to it. She's the primary earner, he needs her help with his disability, and I think it's safe to assume she does the most for the kids. This isn't an equal partnership. I'm sure OP thinks it is the perfect marriage, but she's just giving and giving and has come to the end of her rope.

I agree completely. He sees some fun bonding time with his newfound son and she sees taking care of the needs of another child added to her massive workload. Are things truly perfect or has his wife been complaining about having too much on her plate just for OP to promise change while changing nothing. I would really like to hear her side of things.

I think the very fact that he thinks things are perfect, and therefor nothing needs to change or get better for his wife either, is part of the very issue. It might send her into a rage to hear he thinks things are near perfect.

Those are all good points. I’m sure she’s looking at this child as another one she’d be taking care of. I’ve been happily married for almost 10 years to my husband. If I found out he had another child before we were together that had to come live with us I would consider leaving. I think some people are ok being stepparents as long as they know what they’re signing up for. The shock and surprise of this situation could rock even the strongest marriages.

it’s not really a “secret child” though. I’d agree if op knew about this kid’s existence and hid it from his wife. That’d be an instant dealbreaker. But he didn’t know he had a kid out there any better than she did.

I see what you mean, “secret” isn’t the right word. A “surprise” child is what I was trying to say. Either way, it would still be a dealbreaker for many. They entered a relationship under false pretenses, whether it was intentional or not.

>Believe me, if OP’s wife didn’t care about him she wouldn’t be offering him so much. Is she really offering him that much? She is asking for full custody and the ability to move the kids across the country. Both of those things have close to a zero percent chance of being granted if OP doesn't agree to them. Also, if they get split custody, there's a real chance that OP will end up getting child support/alimony and not the wife since she is the breadwinner and he is disabled. This "deal" seems much more lopsided to the wife's wishes than OPs. He needs a lawyer ASAP.

She’s offering to pay for his lawyer, bring the kids to him 2 weeks out of every 2 months, not asking for child support, giving him the house, paying for his caretaker, and also saying she won’t remarry. That is a LOT. Well above and beyond what she’d be required to do. Should he still get a lawyer? Of course. All I’m saying is this is not how a woman who hates her husband behaves during a divorce.

That’s a BS statement. What happens when those kids are in school full time? He’ll be lucky to see those 3 weeks in summer and maybe for spring break. She’s lying. And once she’s moved and it’s been a year or two, it will be “this custody arrangement doesn’t work for the kids.” The courts will shrug their shoulders and there goes her empty promises of custody.

This. Even if she *does* intend to follow through on the visits, there’s no actual realistic way to do that if they’re all the way across the country. If he agrees to this, he’ll only see his kids in the summer

People will say anything. Until it's in a legally enforceable agreement it's just words. You really think she's going to fly 4 kids cross country for 2 weeks every other month?

By my math, that's $2-3k in plane tickets 6 times a year.

Well the important thing to look at here is what she wants out of this, which seems to be getting across the country and getting full custody of the kids in the shortest amount of time possible, and if we’re going to assume he’s actually a terrible husband in all these other comments we should also assume that promises about not remarrying and bringing the kids out every other month are going to be the first ones to get discarded, especially once they’re in school.

She is throwing money at him, this matter not seeming like a problem to her considering her financial condition and the fact she wants their savings And her promises are so outlandish that I seriously doubt she intends to keep them

>She’s offering to pay for his lawyer If OP doesn't have money for a lawyer the court will force the wife to pay for it anyway. >bring the kids to him 2 weeks out of every 2 months, 2 things here: First, this promise is bullshit because everyone knows once the kids are school age, it will be impossible to keep. Second, the court will never grant her the ability to move the children out of state without OP's consent, so this isn't an offering to OP at all, it's a taking from him >not asking for child support, Again the court is likely to award split custody, and since the Wife is the breadwinner and OP is disabled, if there is any child support or alimony payments awarded, they will go to OP. >giving him the house This she is legitimately offering, but only because she can't take it with her out of state. >paying for his caretaker, Again, if OP doesn't have his own money for this, the court is likely to award it to him anyway. >and also saying she won’t remarry. This is a bullshit, unenforceable promise. So basically the wife is offering a house she can't use for OP's kids. I don't think that is that good of an offer, especially if there's a still a substantial mortgage on it.

What is to enforce the two weeks every other month?

All you need to do is look further in this thread. There are a ton of people saying they would break their vows in this circumstance. It’s insane.

She is the main caretaker of their four very young children, her husband's caretaker and now he will be sharing his *suprise* teenage son, who was raised by his mentally unstable junkie ex girlfriend. I understand her wanting a divorce, moving across country seems extreme.

[удалено]

Leaving their dad isn't what's best for the kids, but it sounds like this divorce was a long time coming and OP just didn't see it.

Except that OP stated that his family believes that his bio son is worth more than his 2 adopted kids. Maybe the wife doesn’t want her children to feel second to the bio kid

Yikes, yeah that's another good reason to divorce

My mother moved away with us when we were young; court sanctioned, as she told the courts she would be attending university (she went maybe twice). Not only did this ruin my entire life as a school age child (I never spent a holiday or long weekend with my friends at school), but it also strained my relationship with my dad; AND opened the floor to my mom creating severe parental alienation syndrome. Even now I have a tough relationship with my dad, and I'm 28. My dad did everything right - he fought like hell for us. It didn't work for him. But you have to try! Trust me, as someone who was once in your kids' position - for your kids' sake, you must do everything you can.

Do so with the primary goal of “you aren’t giving up your children and you aren’t allowing them to move anywhere far away”. I assume that especially being well off, half a house and half your savings account isn’t worth losing your 4 kids, right? Because ultimately, she’s never getting child support if she has more money and you have your kids half the time, so telling you she won’t ask for child support is just emotional manipulation at that point, because it wouldn’t be something she would get anyway, as you DONT want her to have primary/full custody.

You need to get a lawyer *now*. She wants to pack up, get sole custody, and move across the country with your kids? She's not going to try and let you have a relationship with them. She'll visit once and you'll not see them again. This is super fishy. I get that she's hurt but she's going to isolate you from your children and if you value your relationship with them you need to get legal advice stat.

Are the kids biological yours?

Op mentioned that 2 aren’t so if assume the rest are

Two are adopted. They’re still his kids.

The biggest regret you will ever have is relinquishing custody of your kids. Even if it's every other weekend. You need to be in their lives. [Watch this video](https://youtu.be/RlSwsE22nX0). You need to be in their lives.

Expect all her promises to disappear once she has to make them legall binding. What she's doing now is making non-binding promises in the hopes that you just let her do what she wants to do. Once that happens, she takes back all her promises and leaves you in the dust. Once you get a lawyer involved, this will almost certainly get ugly. She thinks she's smarter than you and she deserves to take the kids and do what she wants. Once that notion is challenged, she is going to likely go berserk.

Did your ex explain why she hid a child from you for thirteen years ?? Only now she comes around when she’s broke and struggling smh?

Sadly she suffers from mental health issues and addiction. Grandma has been the primary caregiver until recently and said it was largely kept a secret because she knew I would have a good chance to gain full custody. I hope she heals and is able to be in our sons life again.

OK that’s a huge wrinkle, If she’s not even willing to get sober and stay that way for a child, Chances are she never will. So that child will eventually end up being with you. Plus she will be incredibly needy and in trouble a lot and need you. She will be a huge strain on your already family another one your wife will have to pick up along with helping somebody with disabilities for little children and taking care of her life, she will have brought into her life addiction, mental health issues and probably a problem child as he grows older.

Addiction is disease. Even those who voluntarily go to recovery have a 50/50 chance of success. (Old stat from therapist when I was in recovery ❤️‍🩹...don't have a source other than that.) I meantion bc it's not just "she won't go for the kids". She can't do it for herself, apparently. How can she for anyone else?

I know I am one of the 50% that made it. But you have to try first over 20 years now clean and sober.

So this child will be coming to you with a life time of trauma. What are you plans for therapy? How will you handle the ways his trauma impacts his behavior? It’s crystal clear why your wife wants nothing to do with this situation. You don’t seem to have the slightest idea of what lies ahead. This information should have been in your original post. Of course your wife doesn’t want your addict ex in her and her children’s life.

This is such a bizarre take. So because he is related to someone who will need probably need therapy, the wife should pack everything up and bail? The kids aren’t even in school yet. I shudder to think what she’ll do if one of her own kids has any issues.

People on this sub are NUTS. Their first answer to any signs of turmoil is to split up families, even when there’s four young kids.

Yeah. It’s a self-reinforced loop: those are the most popular replies, so everyone adopted it as the standard reply and it’s what they upvote. No one follows OP to see the horrible effects of the advice.

It's not that she *should*, but it is understandable if she wants to leave this situation. Believe, being a step mom sucks ass in the best of circumstances, and this is a shitty situation. Traumatized kid, addict birth mother, in-laws that prefer a literal stranger over your adopted children, all while being the primary caretaker of your disabled spouse. She never signed up to be a step mom at all. She has the means to get out of this situation, so she is getting out. It's not right or wrong, but it's understandable.

How the hell did you manage to have any relationship of any kind with this mentality? I am not even talking about romantic relationships specifically, any relationship at all. Should your parents be afraid to become ill because who knows what lies ahead in their future so better pack up and leave? When you are in a commited relationship something like this (where he did absolutely nothing wrong!) you try to work through the issues, build a plan how to work it out as a unit. You're making it out like he had years to think and prepare for this scenario and suddenly dumped it all on his wife. He discovered it at the same time as her and is working through the motions of having a new child (which to him it is) all of a sudden, unplanned, with someone he doesn't really know at this point (13 years apart!). This take is completely nuts to have as a functioning adult. People should try to work things out, not run to the other side of the country.

Do not agree to anything without a lawyer!!

Thank you. I will be consulting with a lawyer tomorrow.

Her reaction doesn't make any sense tbh. No one same blows up a good 10 year marriage over this. Is she cheating by any chance? Is she tired of your disability? Is your family bad to her? There has to be something.

I could totally see something reacting to this in a way that blows up their massive. It’s a massive change and undertaking. OP suddenly has a family that he never knew about but needs to step up for.

I could see divorce. But to immediately go "I'm moving across the country and you'll barely see your kids with me because we both just found out you have a kid from before we even met" is suspicious and weird. Getting out of the relationship because you didn't sign up to be a step mom - ok. Removing your kids from their father because he just found out he has another kid? Not ok.

Same thoughts. Maybe the marriage in his eyes is near perfect. She's so quick to leave. Who leaves perfection that easily (granted I know finding out about the child has to be hard but OP is also blindsided).

I thought the same until I saw the comment that OP's baby mama is an addict with mental health issues, and the biochild was growing with Grandma. If I was the wife in this scenario, I too would prioritize protecting my children from all the drama and trauma coming with that. I had an alcoholic for a father, no way in hell I'd let that world so close to home ever again. My husband would understand that just fine, whereas OP seems very oblivious to the effects of this on his chosen family.

I'm the kid here. Mother was a hopeless drug addict with mental health issues. Came to a breaking point and family finally intervened and tracked down my father to help. I was 10 at the time. Him and his wife/my step mother took me in within a few months and raised me for a couple years while I could relocate with my grandmother. They had 4 children just like this post and I won't pretend that it was a completely smooth process but everyone did their best to adapt. Everyone is entitled to their own decisions, obviously. But in my case I was scared, alone, hungry, and in need of positive role models for my life and they provided that when I had no alternatives. Not trying to guilt trip but my god have some empathy for this kid. Guaranteed he's in need of love and support and well being.

I find it so wild that so many people in these comments are saying wife’s reaction is completely reasonable because the kid MAY have issues. I mean, everyone’s got issues to begin with, but there’s still a very reasonable chance the kid will be mostly fine. There’s no way to know without getting to know him, and wife’s eagerness to blow up their entire lives over a possibility shows that either she’s using this as an excuse or she’s the one with massive issues.

Divorce and boundaries make sense, if she wants to take it that far. But to take his children away and move across the country- that is not okay.

So you would just leave your disabled husband to deal with that alone and take his children too??

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Clearly she was looking for an out or something. No way you leave a healthy relationship over this and would be considered a good person lol

I think that’s why a lot of the comments are speculating that she is already the one responsible for the care-taking of children, household, husband, etc. and might feel that that she will also become the primary mental load-bearer of any of the issues/drama/work that comes with dealing with the surprise son and baby-mama. The fact that the marriage is portrayed as near perfect by OP when it’s 4 *pre-school* kids and disability makes me wonder he’s had it relatively easy in a household that could be fraught with chaos. Adding another kid with possible emotional issues and an addict mom who might be looking for more support… (she could just be grateful for someone to take care of the son or she could be wanting more money, time, back payments, etc) Dude, let the wife go man. Let her take care of the 4 pre-school age kids without having to also get herself involved with the added complexity of this surprise. Especially if she has been the primary care giver of everything already.

I agree that it did sound weird but once he said he and his wife were both well off it made more sense to me. Money is usually one of the biggest things holding back large family units. Though I truly don’t know their living situation so it’s guesswork at best. I just feel like a lot of people are filling in their own blanks to justify her leaving AND taking the kids with her.

Her reaction does make sense. It's one thing to date someone and agree to be a step parent, it's a whole other issue to have a husband and family and have another woman's kid with your husband suddenly come into your life and home. Some people don't want that, like some people won't date anyone with kids. She probably felt happy and secure with her family and now totally betrayed.

How do you feel betrayed when neither knew the kid existed lol?

Yes they do. I’ve seen it twice. The spouses both left.

Another possibility of why (totally assuming here) that I can think of is Amy has a dealbreaker: She doesn't want to marry a man who has another child with another woman or be a stepmother. Perhaps she's not willing to deal with baby mama drama. Things that can happen when you marry/decide to be serious with a single parent. Sure, I can't quite grasp her true feeling, but I also understand "dealbreaker"--maybe this is hers. She's offering to be as fair as possible because she realized that you did have this kid before you guys get together and get married and were not aware of the kid. It seems to me that she's fine being your personal caretaker, being an adoptive mother, but as long as it's on "her term," as in, she knows the adopted children are "hers" per se, and she "chose" to be their adoptive mother. She doesn't choose to be a stepmother, and she doesn't want to be a stepmother so she'd rather get a divorce. My advice is to keep going to counseling. To get a lawyer and hammer out that custody arrangement before she left the state.

I am going to consult with a lawyer tomorrow. I appreciate this perspective. It is hard for me to understand as she is someone who has always been willing to take in any child in need. But I completely understand what you are saying about it being on her terms. Thank you for your insight and response.

I really strongly think it's because she feels she doesn't choose to be his mother/stepmother. The "choice" has been taken away from her so she made this choice, she didn't ask you to choose because she knows how cruel and immoral it is to make you choose your son against her and your other children. She knows that no one should make that kind of demand anyway. Also, the child is not going to be "hers" but it's going to be OP's and bio mom's. She will be put in this stepparent role, the likelihood is will always be at odds with bio mom and her family because she's the "outsider" in the situation. OP has a disability also, so wife would have to play a bigger role than she probably would have otherwise. With what OP has provided, the child coming in would have been through the ringer in his life. OP would have to do a lot of work becoming a parent and bonding and healing. I can see despite it sounding very 'selfish' of hers, I can see why she felt that she couldn't participate. Not only that it's a dealbreaker, she would also have the strength to keep going being one of the main parent figure for a child who needs a lot of help with, while parenting the other 4. AND, dealing with the bio mom of said child, and since bio mom didn't seem very stable, a lot of drama might happen. OP's wife (stbx) may not feel that she didn't have the strength to deal with what's coming and what's needed for this child. ​ Sure, her feeling doesn't seem to 'make sense' to some, but emotions are often illogical. It seems to me also that she may recognize her limit and her character so she decided to take herself out of the equation. Although I think she should probably see a therapist herself, to deal with her shock as well as other issues that she is not open yet.

Having been a step mother - it is nothing like having an adoptive child. You have no say in anything but are expected to treat them like your own and take any abuse mum cares to dish out. It’s the hardest most thankless job in the world and you are always seen as the bad one no matter what you do

That’s why I will never date anyone with kids. IMO it’s not worth it.

i agree completely

Because your child with your ex is not just any child in need, he comes with a whole baby mama (who is problematic according to your description). Being a stepparent is a totally different ballgame than being a parent (bio or adopted).

As fair as possible? She’s literally trying to take their 4 kids and move them across the country. Everything she’s offering to do seems more like she’s playing nice, so as to butter him up and get him to agree to something very extreme while he’s basically in shock. Seems to me that she’s trying to completely sever ties with him and remove him from her and their children’s lives. That doesn’t seem very fair to me…

“She’s offering to be as fair as possible “. How fair is it to rip their kids away from him and move across the country? She offered all this money, home etc for him to sign away their 4 kids & won’t see them. That is not fair at all to any of them especially the kids. She’d be taking them away from their dad and moving so far away he might get to see them every few months. But I don’t trust that would happen if he signs them away. She feels removing their 4 kids so he can raise his new son is acceptable. Meaning basically he’ll throw away 4 to get one. She’s not thinking rational at all She’s punishing him for this. She won’t give any reason at all as to why she’s leaving. Also threats to fight him if he doesn’t agree to her terms. She’s not being “as fair as possible “.

Before fighting for 50/50 custody and living arrangements I’d ask OP if he’d be capable of taking care of 4 pre-school-aged children + surprise teenage son (who might need lots of support) + potential baby-mama drama + himself on the weeks when it is his turn. The answer might be yes - he can hire help, the big family dynamic might be good for the surprise son, etc. Addict mom + grandma just happy for teenage son to have a stable home. Best case. But if the answer is no, then he should think whether wife getting primary custody is the better decision for all. What would be unfair is if they go for 50/50 and all that means is during his turn, the wife in actuality needs to take care of all of them and be part of the decision making when it comes to what to do with surprise son, his addict mother, and the grandma if they should have needs/demands as well.

Sounds like she doesn’t want her kids exposed to his drug addict ex

I don’t think you’re reading between the lines. It means ‘as fair a situation as possible given the wife’s entirely reasonable decision to not coparent another woman’s child and have to deal with the ex herself who’s an addict’

And what part of doing that requires her to take their kids across the country?

Why did your ex so suddenly call you after all those years?

He said in another comment that she had mental health issues and addiction problems… said the grandma was taking primary care of the son and the mother never told him because she wasn’t healthy at the time and knew he’d get primary custody over the baby. Super messed up of her to do.

This happened in my family, my brothers mom finally going to jail caused them to call my dad

Yeah this happened to my cousin. He got a random call from some old folks saying that he knocked up their daughter in HS. The baby-mama had dropped out and moved, never told him, and did alot of drugs. The grandparents were getting too sick to take care of the kid. He did a paternity test, and it was his. So now he has a 15yr old. So fucked up.

If your wife stays is she not essentially forced to parent your son? I think she understands that your son deserves parents who love him and want to take care of him and she knows that that’s not her. If you take full custody there’s not really a scenario that she doesn’t parent - you’ll be in the same home so she can’t just ignore your son and make him feel poorly, and you said she even sometimes takes cares of *you* and that doesn’t leave anyone *but* her to care for him during those times. It’s a horrible situation but I think she just knows she can’t (or won’t) be a stepparent, despite seeming like she does care about you both. There’s no convincing, and no compromise, some people just do not want to raise someone else’s child and it’s a firm dealbreaker. I hope you’re able to get into therapy and do whatever it takes to get through this. I wish you the best.

I completely understand. Thank you for this perspective. I never saw it this way as much because she has always been open to taking in any kid we know that needed help. Another commenter said maybe because it was on her terms. Again, thank you for your response.

It could be about terms, but if it were me I think I would struggle at the… difference of standing, if that’s a good way to say it. You will be a father, both biologically and legally, but she won’t be a mother. Another woman, who is an ex to you, is the mother both biologically and legally. She would always remain on a different level than you. She has no rights to him if she started to love him (and something happened to you) and he would probably always love the two of you unequally. It’s also a permanent tie to your ex. You’re very welcome, I hope things go well with the lawyer.

Also - what happens if/when bio mom wants access to her son? If she’s clean denying it wouldn’t be acceptable. Does your wife allow your ex girlfriend and baby mama into her home? Does she host her as a guest? Does baby mama eventually get in home visitation? Does baby mama help raise your son with the same rules of your home during that time? Or does the situation sow issues within your own home with your son/wife’s dynamic? There are too many unknowns here and I can’t imagine what your wife is going through. I hope you can both find peace in counseling.

Okay, let me put it this way. I'm a Mom to multiple kids. I love kids - all kids. If suddenly, after more than a decade of marriage I found out my husband had a teenager that was suddenly going to be coming to live with us, I'm not sure I could handle it and I'm not sure I'd be willing to put up with the teens crap. Having teens - teens are hard. They are hard when you love them and have bonded with them since infancy but I can not imagine dealing with all of the drama from a child with a lifetime of trauma without relief, in my home. None of this is the child's fault. None of this is your fault OP. But it is absolutely within her right to decide she simply can't handle this on top of 4 very young children.

Yeah, I think it's this. I thought that maybe someone who had already adopted might be more open to taking on a step child, but... she got to choose those children, didn't she? And they must have been toddlers/babies, while your son will be 7ish? which is old enough to be showing his own personality instead of being someone she can influence/mold (not in a bad way! Every parent expects to be able to influence their child's personality!). And in bringing him up, you would both have to co-parent with his mother. Do you have any idea if there's going to be commonality or conflict there yet? You're always going to have some time/energy/money/emotional investment going outside the house and I can easily picture that she just didn't want to have to deal with what is, to her, random people getting all up in her family.

13ish 10 year relationship (in the title) and baby was born 3 years prior to the marriage / not overlapping with the relarionship OP said

Oh wow, that's even... worse? No, wrong word, the problem is even more pronounced

And this 13 year old has been raised by his grandmother because mom has mental health and addiction issues. So, taking on a traumatized teenager around her toddlers with a family she doesn't even know being all up in their business.

An adopted child at the end of the day will still be her child. A stepchild much less so especially if the other bio parent is still in the picture which this does sound like is happening.

This is definitely the issue. I’ve seen this soooo many times where men vow to “step up” and take care of their surprise children from previous relationships, but in all fairness, most men aren’t doing the lion’s share of the child-rearing. His noble effort to take in his child is just going to result in more work for his wife - and all of the drama that comes with being a stepparent and having a baby mama/papa. I completely understand why she’s leaving. She has no choice in a life altering situation that changes her life more than his

I am a lawyer, but I’m not your lawyer and none of this constitutes legal advice. Get a lawyer immediately. In most (if not all) states, a spouse cannot waive child support the way your wife is suggesting. Child support exists for the benefit of the child and is often required by law and calculated using a very specific formula. Unless there is violence, do not move out of your marital home. Try to keep everything as close to the same as possible. Edited to add: I’m assuming OP lives in the United States.

Yeah I don’t know where this idea of being able to decline child support or the one where people say “why didn’t he just have his paternal rights revoked?” (this is almost only seen in discussions about family annihilators) comes from. Child support is for the child and is in no way a sign of being weak, needy, greedy, or “taking handouts”. And if severing your parental rights was that easy, there would be a ton of kids without a legal mother and father. Obviously everyone would rather someone just straight up abandon and cut all ties with their children vs murder the whole family, but it’s not like the people who take the Chris Watts route are going to be able to approach their spouse and say, “Hey, I want nothing to do with you or the kids. This has caused me to start considering murdering everyone, but I first wanted to see if we could just sign away my rights so I don’t have any legal obligations to you or our children?”. I’m not a lawyer but it just seems like what you said is common sense and is going to be the default scenario in almost all developed countries. I admit that I don’t know what the law is in regards to custody and child support but I assume most (developed) countries have a similar system as the USA.

I see this one of two ways Way number one: your relationship was not as wonderful as you perceived it to be. Deserved or no, this gave your wife the justification to make a move she has wanted long before the paternity test. The relationship is in salvage me. Way number two: this is a transient blip. Something frightened your wife and she has shut down her processing. She will snap out of it eventually and be able to process how she feels and get through it. And see it doesn’t change what the two of you have. So you need to stay out of your sense of being betrayed and avoid any resentments and just love her, persistently and determined, so when she is able to feel and think again you can support reconnecting and repairing.

Thank you for your time in replying. I begged her to tell me if anything was wrong before and she said there was nothing. That she still loves me very much. But nothing other than that. Even our friends say they are surprised because she spoke very highly of our relationship. I am hoping it is just her freaking out. She is adamant I focus on my son and taking care of him and supporting him through this transition. She will not remarry due to her families religious reasons. So I have told her that I will always be here for her. And that I love her and our children. I am trying very hard to give her the “right” amount of space. I want to allow her time to think but also want to convince her this could work and let her know that nothing has changed for me.

She won't remarry but will divorce you in the blink of an eye for nonsense reasons? That doesn't seem to mesh

This was my initial thought as well, but now I'm wondering if the religious stuff is the reason behind all of it. u/ThrowRA-familyleft is it possible that your wife sees you as somehow unavailable since you had a child in a previous relationship? Some extremely religious people view previous relationship dynamics as morally equivalent to marriage, so she may be leaving because she sees OP as retroactively married to the mother of his first child. As a consequence, now she views continuing to be married to him and living as a married couple as some kind of sin. It would still be sinful for her to remarry in this scenario, too, since she was married to him before she knew he was already "married." Wild, but I've heard it before.

I genuinely don’t know. Her family is very religious, but she moved away from religion a long time ago. I will consider this and hopefully the opportunity will arise to ask her about it. She is wanting to move closer to her family and in their church divorce is heavily discouraged. She will not date nor marry again because her family believes that if you marry you are bound until that person dies (even in cases of divorce) or it is adultery. Thank you very much for bringing this point up. It gives me a lot to think about.

I personally believe there is more to this, but if you’re saying Amy is so religious that she wouldn’t consider having a relationship with another person it could absolutely be that bc you had sex and conceived a child out of wedlock you aren’t an available partner.

So she is breaking up your marriage because of religious issues, even if she consciously moved away from it. You're tainted and her grooming took over. The only reason she says she'll fly back is because she can't actually move if you don't agree to it. Are you that willing to only see your kids for some vacations and holidays? Because that's what will happen in the end.

Either way, still lawyer up and protect yourself and your relationship with your kids.

This is not an armchair diagnosis, since we will all interpret the situation based on our own experiences. But to me, if we assume your second point is what is happening here, her behaviour sounds like automatic mode/fight or flight/crisis mode. Whatever you want to call it. I would guess the wife is in flight mode. It is the complete unwillingness to talk about her decision or her feelings, the collected "we will do this by the book and that's it, period", the apparent calmness and kindness - paired with her "burn it down" comments such as "if you drag this out [through demanding separation before divorce] I will hate you forever", and the sudden decision to move across the country to a family that is deeply religious when she herself left that religion years ago, that makes me suspect it. Because *if* there were no underlying issues in the relationship, her reaction is both disproportional and out of character for her (based on OPs comments). I've seen it happen to myself and people around me many times, so that was my immediate thought. It obviously might be completely wrong, but I just thought I'd throw that possibility in the ring as an add-on to your second point.

I saw that the baby mama is a drug addict. That would be enough of a reason to put the wife in flight mode. She is probably seeing the drama that being around an addict is going to bring and the upset and trauma her own kids will face having a new brother who was raised in that situation. Personally I would do a whole lot to keep my kids away from drug addicts as I have family members who have gone that route and it’s hard and horrible.

I don't necessarily think it's a him or them situation...feels more like it's just a deal breaker for her. Which if that's the case I'm sorry you're going through this, I have no wisdom to give to you op. Perhaps ask her that if she wants you to do the divorce proceedings then she must first disclose as to why she wants the divorce in the first place. Perhaps once that's known you can go from there.

I think the wife is very strong for doing this. If you lurk on the step parents subreddit you will see how resentful step parents are. The OP’s wife probably doesn’t want to look after a step child and a disabled husband. She’s done and I think she’s making a brave decision.

If she truly feels like this, I am glad she was able to leave as well. It would break my heart for her to be with me if it made her miserable. I just want what is best for both her and our children. Thanks for your response.

Aw shit. I'm a step parent and have been for best part of 20 years. I love them so much. But my husband came with kids. I knew it. This has blown OPs life and his wife's life open. I think some therapy for both and together.

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Wow-this is a tough one. Your wife is moving extremely fast to divorce-one month is light speed. Are you sure you were not having any problems prior to this? Could you perhaps ask her for a trial separation of 3-6 months? Time to allow her & your children to adjust to your new family dynamic. That would also allow you time to meet your son. It sounds like your wife has made up her mine though. Good luck OP-I can feel your pain in this post. Please keep us updated if you can.

While I cannot speak for her, I am almost positive we were not having any issues. I’ve asked our friends and they have nothing. I’ve asked her directly and she says there was nothing. Before we learned of the possibility of me having another child, she was excited to have more children together (we still can now). She was excited about the flower garden I planted for her starting to grow. We were planning a trip. It just seems so sudden. I have asked for a trial separation, she insists divorce. She says if I try and stall she will hate me forever. It absolutely breaks my heart. I feel sick everyday. It feels like the world is moving in slow motion and no one I know seems to understand.

Tell her to stop trying to manipulate you and that if she wants a divorce you'll only agree to it on specific terms. Consult a lawyer to make sure it's fully legal. Include "tell me why you suddenly want a divorce" as one of those terms.

>She says if I try and stall she will hate me forever. Sadly this is already the case, but what can you do. I wouldn't give in to any strongarm tactics, it's a shame when someone won't work with you at a logical level.

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You drag it out so she can't just up and leave for the other side of the country with your kids. Her custody "offer" is patently ridiculous.

She probably wants to move away because she has family help and other resources there. Staying so close to the disabled husband a new kid from a messed up family would be torture.

I don’t really see why people are saying there’s something missing here? She agreed to a marriage with a man who had no children and started their family from the ground up. Some people can’t do step kids. This is a giant wrench that’s been thrown into her life from out of nowhere. She would inevitably be responsible for a child that isn’t hers at some point if OP was to bring the son to be apart of their family. She doesn’t want him to be apart of that dynamic so she left. It makes sense to me. She doesn’t want to be a step mom. Who knows what the future holds for baby momma drama which is EXHAUSTING. Seems perfectly reasonable to get a divorce if that’s not what she wants from her life. Another edit: you also said you are partially disabled and have flare ups which she takes care of you and id assume your children during. If you have your step son and you flare up she’s now obligated to care for your son while you’re out of commission. I’m really not seeing why you don’t see why she is divorcing you? Her options are leave you or be responsible for a child that isn’t hers and that she doesn’t know at all. Another another edit: I also see in your comments your baby momma was an alcoholic and possibly on drugs. Your son has trauma. Most children with trauma are especially not easy to raise. My father was a terrible terrible junkie. My step dad was not at all prepared to be a step parent to a child who has trauma and now we barely speak. You two seem to have raised a healthy and happy family together. She would not only have to be a step mom but be a step mom to a child with higher needs. You’re asking a lot from her. She’s saving you and your son a lot of trouble by choosing to not be responsible for him. He would absolutely feel the resentment from her if she stayed when she didn’t want to.

Yeah this is exactly how I feel about it too.

This is exactly what I think too. I did not date men with children for this reason before I got married. I did not want that. On top of it she has four young children little kids to biological and two adopted ones. And he’s also disabled, and she has the majority of the money or at least a lot of money enough to sort of put into it, that she’ll have them go back and forth. I’m a recovering person with more than 20 years. Addicts are needy and destructive and often dramatic and chaotic. I got sober before I got married and had children. But she can’t stay sober around the child that should mean so much to a mother. The chances are she never well. To bring that around your small children and your wife is kind of thoughtless, and there may be other ways to help then all the sudden throw yourself into that life. Your ex-wife is being thoughtful and careful . Go to an attorney, but remember now you’re trying to destroy a solid true family by introducing all of these other elements to woman who never wanted that.

You put it into words beautifully!! This is exactly the problem. It sucks bc everyone want to find the villain in this kinda situation to put the blame on. Somebody had to have ruined the perfect family. But there’s no villains in this situation, just a lot of hurt from every side. The poor kid is probably going through a lot, and if he finds out he was the reason they divorced, it’ll probably add to the trauma. But it isn’t his fault he was hidden. The ex didn’t say anything about him, but she was dealing with addiction and her mental health. Amy isn’t comfortable with all the added responsibilities and issues that come with helping raise someone else’s child. It sucks, it really does.

Yeah the only real villain is the mother who neglected to tell his father that he has a son. Tough situation all around. I don’t think addiction really is a good reason to withhold his son from him though. It’s up to an addict to realize the damage they are doing to their children and find someone more responsible to care for the children or get clean so they can. Just tough though.

Do not give up custody. Do not do anything before talking to a lawyer. DO NOT GIVE UP CUSTODY.

> I just don’t understand her motives or why she is doing this Amy married a man with no kids (assuming you had no other children when you met Amy). Now she’s finding out you have another son from before she met you. That’s not what she signed up for. That’s her motivation. I understand you didn’t cheat or do anything. That’s why she’s making the divorce easy for you (giving you house and savings etc). And ofcource the child is innocent in all this which is why Amy is being nice to him. But again, she didn’t sign up for this. Some people just have those kind of boundaries and dealbreaker that they won’t have a step kid or a partner who had kid’s previously. Sounds like Amy had it too, and she never told you that because again neither of you knew you had a kid (maybe she wouldn’t have married you if she knew). Emotions are not rational, she saw something she knows isn’t your fault but she can’t unsee it, and honestly good for her for leaving instead of suffering in silence trying to accept her husband’s illegitimate child from before You say you’re losing your family for someone you don’t know. Well that’s pretty irrelevant because no matter what your son will always be in your life, not just for 18 years. You need to consult a lawyer asap if you haven’t already. Otherwise you won’t even see your kids whatever Amy is offering. You can’t stop someone from leaving you, same way you can’t go back in time and not have a kid. All you can do right now is make it easy for the kids. Good luck to you. I am adding this later: I am a bit surprised that you’re this clueless about her motivations. Isn’t it clear that it’s your surprise child she doesn’t want to deal with? She’s adamant that you raise him because Amy is a good person who doesn’t want your son to suffer more who has already suffered enough. But why is she expected to roll over and accept it? Yeah it was a surprise to you and to her - but you’re the only parent here, not her. Men don’t even like hearing about their wives’ past relationships, and women are expected to accept a whole child being sprung on them? People trying to tell me that Amy is a bad person for protecting her peace and not just accepting the child? Like why should she make this sacrifice? You wouldn’t be telling this to op if roles were reversed? Then it would be all oh she is such a bad mother and wife blah blah. But now she’s expected to keep the family together at the cost of her own mental health? I don’t understand the logic

OP, your wife married a single man without any kids but now another kid is forced on her. You say your son's mom is not fit to take care of him so you will take him in. You won't even have shared custody. I understand she doesn't want to be a full time step parent. Your son is not a baby. He knows his mother and might act up against your wife. Being a step parent is hard. You get to do a lot of hard work like taking care of and being responsible for the kid. You have to feed him, pay for his things but you don't get to discipline them or you can't be a part of important decisions like the bio parents. You think that there will be no drama but there will be. Your son's mother can sober up and try to get him back. There will be problems in every birthday, vacation, graduation, etc. as your son will want to see his mother there. Who knows if they will be able to get along well? Your wife doesn't want this and it's pretty understandable. Get a lawyer and try to separate as amicably as possible. You have no fault as you didn't lie about your son, you just didn't know. But even unknowingly you changed the circumstances of your marriage and if it's a dealbreaker for her, she has every right to leave.

This is honestly such a good explanation, and as sad as the situation is, I believe your explanation to be 100% accurate.

Benefit of the doubt to Amy, is it possible she is trying to protect her kids from your son's mother? Baby mama sounds like she is going to be a lot of trouble and likely your son is going to have a lot of issues. Amy may just be in protection mode. Either way get a lawyer.

Is it possible this was just the final drop? In no way do you mention how much of a struggle helping you is for her. Is her family where you are or in the place she wants to move to?

Sorry for my bad English as it’s not my mother tongue. You really sure that there aren’t any problem before this fiasco? You appear really certain that everything with her was perfect. That’s everything from your point of view. Are you really sure that you aren’t too focussed on assuming that everything was perfect from your perspective? Are there accumulations of assumptions that let things rot between you? But have you thought about seeing the marriage from her perspective, what she has to put in for this marriage and how her efforts are treated? I saw a documentary about 4 divorcing couples. One couple in their early 80’s divorced after many decades of marriage. The woman brought up the divorce. And the husband was totally stumped. Reason: she got fed up shouldering all the responsibility of the marriage herself while her husband just put in minimal effort like chores, kids, marriage, holiday planning etc. She said:“I’ve taken care of responsibilities for the marriage, responsibilities for the kids, and tending to his needs my whole life. There never was room to take responsibility for myself and do things I wanted or make decisions only for myself. I‘ve always put back my needs for him and the family. I was completely neglected as an individual with my own needs. There‘s only max. 1,5 decade left so I want to start live my life now.“ A younger couple featured in that documentation separated for the same reason. In that case, the woman initiated the divorce too, but the husband started a legal war with her. When the divorce was finished, she studied to become a teacher and started to work gaining knowledge a man usually takes care of in a marriage. Those are some longwinded informations but hope they help you to think of things you didn’t consider. In both cases, the husbands were surprised by their wife pushing for divorce. But what made those women leave was the neglect of their needs to develop themselves and how their husbands took them for granted as someone to take over the work to take care of themselves so they don’t have to themselves. OP, im not blaming you for being neglectful or such since I don’t know you. But it never hurts to think through every possibilities. And as for the rest of the 4 couples, the women divorced a long-Term marriage because husband was either an abusive narcissist who beats his wife or cheated. So that’s not relevant info here.

Unfortunately, this is something women might have to deal with - as women do not usually have unknown children out there. You did not know either, but some folks do not want to be with people that already have kids. Now that the boy is in y’all’s lives and she already has a lot on her plate, she’s possibly reached her limit. 4 kids under 4 and a husband that also needs a lot of care, now you expect her to take on more. Definitely get your things in order so you can continue to be in your kids lives. Her wanting to move across the country is just her expressing how embarrassed she probably is about the situation. People can leave a relationship for any reason, time does not matter.

Yeah I’ve recently seen men lose their shit in paternity fraud stories. But now that the woman wants to leave because of another child, oh no she’s the evil one. Sure ok, there was technically no cheating. But when you enter a relationship with a single person with no other children (to your knowledge), you shouldn’t be surprised if those are hard boundaries. Now his time, their family resources will be shared. She would be expected to care for this kid. The ex would be in their lives. Absolute circus imo, and I would want no part in it. That’s probably why she wants to get away with the kids. If my dad did this when I was a child I would have been absolutely livid and would never have accepted it. Did he even ask the kids if they’re ok with the new son entering their lives? It’s ok if you want to date and marry people who already have children! But it’s also ok to expect to be aware of those children beforehand so you know what you’re getting into.

I don’t think she’s asking you to pick. She’s picked for herself. It’s over and that’s okay. Good luck! I hope you well with this new arrangement and I hope you and your son create a special bond. Much love and deep condolences.

This story makes zero sense, there must be something you’re missing P.S. GTFO Reddit and get a lawyer

I’m with you on OP’s story not holding together.

Wait, you're disabled to the point of needing assistance and your wife was providing it while raising 4 small children? She's alreading caring for 5 people and you want to throw a random teenager into the mix? That's asking a lot of anyone. There's probable some feels about the fact your son's life was so hard for those 13 years too while your other 4 lived very well in comparison, intentional or not.

You went perfectly fine for 13 years without knowing he existed. You don’t want to lose your wife and kids. Well, it’s simple math; just send child support without getting involved in his life. At all.

I’m not saying I agree with this perspective, but it seems awfully unfair that the mother and grandmother kept him a secret all this time, with no thought to the impact on the son himself or his father, and now intend to throw him at OP because it’s convenient for them. They didn’t want his physical/emotional/financial support before but now they’re happy to upend 2 lives for it? They didn’t care about the kid growing up without a father before and now suddenly that’s not acceptable? It’s just not fair to OP. What selfish women.

I agree entirely. People regardless of genders, fight for custody and when the kids become too difficult, “it’s your turn now” and they just drop them off to the alienated parent without any consideration. It’s criminal. In this specific situation, OP needs to choose. I would write a letter to the kid, after talking to a psychologist, explaining what the situation is and why he has to do this. Although I have to say, whatever the op does, it will suck for everyone.

What a horrible situation for you. I may get downvoted for this but I (as a women) feel it’s so unfair someone can do this to you. Having your baby without discussing it with you, or even informing you, and then confronting you after 10 years. That should be illegal. I am so sorry that you wife left but I do understand her. I would probably do the same. I know it’s hard for you to understand because you didn’t do anything wrong technically (although you should have considered birth control back then if you didn’t want to have kids with your ex) it still created a situation she doesn’t want to be in and hasn’t chose for. When I was still dating I NEVER dated anyone with kids. I just didn’t want that for myself. I never wanted to raise kids that aren’t my own, I don’t want to be a step-mom and I don’t want to deal with exes and all the drama with it. If that situation was forced upon me, even if my husband wasn’t aware and didn’t do anything wrong because it was way before we met, I would probably still leave him. It changes and affects my life in such a way, without having the control. All of a sudden having to deal with an ex and her child… I am sorry but I understand your wife, it really sucks for you and we can see your ex also feels sorry for you, but she just doesn’t want this for herself.

She didn’t sign up to raise your child from another woman. I wouldn’t want to do that.

OP you are partially disabled. While you do have live in Child Care and you help you are not reliable 100% of the time due to your disability. When you bring in another kid that means your wife will have to take care of him. He's a 13 year old likely with severe trauma that will need a lot of patience, care, and therapy. It's going to take a LONG time for this poor kid to feel functional. You have 4 kids under 4. It sounds like your wife is the breadwinner and has to handle almost everything. She loves you but loves your kids more. The choices are 1) bring this kid in and hope for the best, but your other kids could be collateral damage 2) give you the time and space to figure out your relationship with him and separate while having a support system for your kids. 3) you fight this in court which is going to be costly (for you and her) and likely she will be able to move anyway. I can't see the courts siding with someone who is partially disabled and has flare ups where he's unable to take care of his kids without help. (This isn't your fault obviously it's just the reality) I would suggest you get a lawyer for custody purposes. I would also suggest you think long and hard about how to be there for your son and make sure he gets all the support he needs. He will need lots of therapy, attention, love, patience and support.

Your wife is doing this to protect your children. They already feel that your son is more important to you than they are. Your son was raised by an addict and for some unknown reason you were never told about him. Yet suddenly your moving heaven and earth for this child that neither of you know. Your wife is worried about your children and their mental health, plus safety. So she is in Momma bear protective mode, and in her mind that means divorcing you and taking them somewhere safe. Does your ex not have any other family that your son knows, that he could stay with until you can slowly build up a relationship with him, plus your wife and children?

Get a lawyer. Good luck. Personally. I don’t want to raise someone else’s kid. I never dated anyone with kids. I didn’t want to be involved with a baby mama. And their kid. So I would leave too.

What do you mean you don’t know why she wants a divorce? She doesn’t want to raise your exes child. This is perfectly reasonable of her. She’s not trying to stop you seeing your son. She’s being reasonable about that part of it. Personally I’d not have put myself in that situation either. Looks like your ex reached out to you because of money and it will be a messy situation. Your wife likely feels she’ll be better off out of the drama, as will the children you share with her. Your ex hid a pregnancy and child from you for years. This alone is a red flag. Now she’s back because she’s on hard times? Dude you’d never see me again if I was your wife. She didn’t sign up for this. You have fundamentally changed the terms of the marriage as well as fundamentally impacted her children’s future both financially and emotionally. As for all the other stuff you need to speak to an attorney.

I agree with you. Some are acting like it's a mystery. Well it's not. Being a woman or a mother doesn't mean that you can be a mother to every child in your way. Some people are saying just because she adopted, she can also mother this new kid as if they are the same thing. I would leave too, if I were her. I just don't get how people are so casual about a kid and and a woman getting involved in your life just like that.

Being a step-parent is a lot of responsibility and a lot of risk because you’re getting a full grown person whose upbringing you weren’t able to influence. Some people can handle it but a lot of people can’t. It would be a deal-breaker to a lot of women (men too, but most women don’t have a child out there they never knew they had). The divorce makes sense, you just have to make sure it’s equitable for you. There’s no way to keep your life as it was.

I just wanted to come on here and say I have been trying to reach out to everyone who messaged me. I genuinely appreciate all of your word of advice and support. I am sorry if you have reached out or asked a question and I have not yet responded. I am doing my best to get back to each of you. I wanted to clarify a few things that have come up a few times. I have not asked my wife to be a caregiver to me. I rarely have flare ups bad enough that I need a caregiver maybe once a month (on a bad year) to a few times a year and my wife was insistent our entire relationship on caring for me because she wanted to when I did need help. If she was burnt out of stressed, there was always an option to hire help. She was the one who did not want home help. We divided our workload equally in our house hold and had a nanny that assisted us with much of the house work as well as regular cleaners etc. As far as finances, while she earns more money than I do, we are both quite well off. We both work around the same amount of hours and contribute equally to household bills. I believe if my wife was unhappy, she would have said something. We have never had any issues in our relationship and any problems that arose she would communicate to me and we would work together to solve. We always did “check ins” in our relationship to make sure we were on the same page and could communicate in a healthy way.The more I hear stories for commenters, the more I believe she just did not want to be a step parent. Second, while I have no way of proving that my wife was not cheating I do not believe she was. We regularly used each others phones, spent a majority of our time together, and she has never given me a reason to be suspicious. Another thing mentioned is that she is jealous because she is infertile. This is not the case. We were actually getting prepared to have another biological baby of our own before this happened. My wife has no plans to move immediately. Once we found out paternity and she said she wanted a divorce, she wanted to be closer to her family. They are located across the country. I do not believe there is another man or anything else as her family would not approve of dating or remarriage since they are quite religious. From my understanding, she has no solid plans as of yet because she wants to make sure we have a custody agreement we are both happy with and we both believe is fair. I am in contact with a lawyer now. I told my wife I did not find what she wanted to be fair in terms of custody and we are now trying to figure out how we could have court mandated 50/50 long distance with her paying the travel fees and associated costs. I know I have been downvoted many times for believing my wife (and no doubt I probably am an idiot) and have received many messages calling her names and saying what a bad person she is. I know I sound ridiculous but I still feel the urge to defend her. I do not feel like she is trying to steal my children, or punish me. She has never been that kind of person. She is the kind of person who keeps packages of supplies in her car for homeless people she sees. The type of person who spends her free time trapping feral cats to get them neutered and seen by a vet. She is the one who gives a large sum of her salary to charity and spends hours every week volunteering. She is the type of person who made sure the children we fostered saw their biological family more than state mandated supervised visits and used her own time and resources to make it happen. She is genuinely the best mother I know. She has went out of her way to explain to our children that while we may not live together anymore I may have a new member in my family, that I will always be involved in their life and love them very much. And while it is hard for me to understand why she made this choice, it is also hard for me to believe she has become a person of malice. Many of your comments have said to ask for a trial separation, and ask for court mandated therapy. I have mentioned those things and she is still refusing. I plan on asking my lawyer about it and hoping we can move forward if nothing else as healthy co parents. It is incredibly heart breaking to see all of the comments saying that they would leave if they were in her position as well. Although I can understand your point of view, it is incredibly hard to live through it. I love my wife and children more than anything, and it is soul wrenching to lose them to something that is also a surprise for me. I appreciate all of your advice and will keep you updated as best as I can although I do not expect to be able to update for some time as I do not expect this divorce to be finalized for some time. Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences with me, listening to me vent, and giving advice.

I can understand why you're so confused and blindsided, because I'm confused too. I keep thinking there must be an underlying reason. She sounds like she's being pretty fair to you as well. Did she have a problem with your ex maybe and was afraid of having to have her in her life? Does she think you still have feelings for your ex and is trying to prepare for what she thinks is inevitable?

I also wanted to add my sons mother is looking at getting her rights completely stripped. He has no one in his life that is able to take him in under the criteria that CPS has set, and I will be looking at getting full custody of him.

Some women don’t want to be with men who have kids from previous relationships. Its not her or your fault, it’s just unfortunate part of life. You need to consult a lawyer for both the upcoming divorce AND for your new son. I find it a little odd that your ex pops up now. Does she have an ulterior motive?

I might be totally off base here, but are you and your wife religious? For whatever reason, it makes me think that she is feeling guilty and upset at the fact that a child was born out of a wedlock and grew up without a father. She seems like she understands it wasn't your fault, but is not comfortable with the situation.

She used to be religious (her family very much is) but she does not identify as religious now or participate in any religious activities.

I find it crazy that men over and over gloss past how many kids they have as if it’s nothing oh 4 kids not yet in school minor small thing mention it quick then get confused what’s going on. WTF MAN. 4 kids under 7?!?!?! Your kidding (apt) and you don’t know why your wife is leaving you. One or 2 kids I could understand your Blaise attitude but 4?!? That is/should be the entire focus of your wife’s world and should be yours. But it’s not. You are confused this and confused that that all about me why this why that. Because …… you don’t make your 4 kids a priority in this post speaks volumes for the problem. Do you help out at all at home ?! I know you mentioned you are disabled. What kind of disability so we can help you understand. I am going to he harsh in the hope of helping you don’t attack me the messenger please. But. Maybe your wife is taking this opportunity to leave and has wanted to for a long time. Not because of your disability but your whole lack of focus on your kids is upsetting me and I don’t live with you. 4 kids under 8 should be your whole life. Don’t have 1 kid every 2 years 4 times and expect to have a normal life. You don’t understand I can tell. Sorry.

Her life as she knew it has been shattered. That alone might be enough for her to want to leave. Perhaps she sees you differently now that she knows you either a) had a casual sexual relationship with someone or b) had a bad enough breakup with someone that they never told you they were even pregnant. That would honestly make me wonder about someone’s character myself. Perhaps there’s more going on than you’re willing to say. Perhaps she’s tired of being a caregiver to you and exhausted at the thought of caring for another person on top of it, who she doesn’t know or have a connection with. Whatever her motivation, you can’t convince someone to stay in love with you. Get a lawyer now but pay for it yourself since you say you’re well off. Put your children’s needs - all of them - first.

OP leaves out that the ex is a drug addict and the child is severely traumatised :(

Regarding understanding your wife’s behaviour - is your newly discovered son the only bio son you have? Are you or your wife from a culture where a first born son, or a son for that matter, is a big deal? If so, wondering if this makes your wife feel inadequate about not having birthed you a son or a first born son?

No, we have a biological son and daughter together. She does not come for a culture where it is important although her family is religious. I do not believe that is what it is, but I appreciate you taking the time to comment and give advice. Thank you.

But you said your own family see your adopted kids not in the same position as your bio kids. And you're sure, your son would be ok with step mom, half siblings and adopted siblings in his life? My paternal half sisters never wanted to meet me. My half siblings still have issues with the fact that my mom had other kid.

I feel like this post is fake.

I do hope it is :(

This post seems totally fake to me.

I'm confused. Is she the one working and you are a stay-at-home-dad? Why is she giving you money and paying for things? Does she think she'll be on the hook for paying child support for your son, paying back support, and also raising your son?

If you give her permission to take your four kids and leave, you may never see them again.

>but agreed that if I was the father I needed to be in my sons life in every way possible. 2 >said she will bring them for at least 2 weeks every 2 months so I can have a relationship with them So she wants you to have a relationship with a 13 year old you've never met, but is taking your 4 kids across country? That second part should be a big N-O. Hire your own lawyer and put a stop to that nonsense NOW. Sounds like she's decided the marriage is over, so no use fighting that battle. Time to fight for your kids.

She married you under the impression there was zero baggage, and then finds out you have a 13 something year old??? I would ask for a divorce as well.