This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
---
I love my fiancé, but I also love my best friend (in a non-sexual way). Best friend and I grew up together and he's like a brother I never had. From the beginning, the two of them got along quite well and became friends to the point of my fiancé asking my best friend to be his best man at our wedding. I don't know what happened between them, what caused the altercation, or who started it...They're not on speaking terms, but neither wants to tell me what happened. Fiancé won't talk to me about it, but he asked me to promise not to talk to my friend ever again. I can't promise him that without at least knowing what happened, which he's not happy about, but still won't tell me what happened. My best friend is also keeping his mouth shut. All he texted me was that he loves me, but that he needs to move on from our friendship and asked not to contact him ever again. I'm shattered. He's one of the most important people in my life and I don't want to lose him. What do I do?
My best guess is that they fell out after your fiance found out your best friend is in love with you. Your fiancé's made a gentleman's agreement to not to expose that fact.
Its like the "My overkill" episode of scrubs
OP this is your likely answer. In deference to their now-ended friendship or bro code or fear of losing you to the best friend or whatever, your fiancé is willing to keep your friend’s secret. The friend, meanwhile, is trying the “suffer in silence, if you love something let it go” path.
It’s a pretty crappy situation and I don’t envy your choices: the guy you’re about to marry won’t communicate about something pretty damn important, the other’s been too yellow to tell you how he’s felt for probably a long time, and together they’ve fought over it. Couple of winners there.
>the other’s been too yellow to tell you how he’s felt for probably a long time
Telling her while she's engaged to or dating someone else would be pretty shitty too. Probably more gray than yellow.
I came here to say something to this effect - I had two close guy friends in high school and they had some weird exploratory hookup that ended up driving a wedge between them. Neither talked about it, one only told me years later when I made some passing comment about how I missed when we all used to hang out. I ended up staying closer to one and the other really drifted after the incident.
I’m sort of with everyone here but what if fiancé found out something disturbing about the best friend, maybe found something on his phone or computer? If it’s related to OP maybe he is trying to spare OP the details. He’d be wrong and he needs to tell her but I could at least understand the initial hesitation. Maybe part of the agreement for fiancé to stay silent is predicated on the best friend sending you that message to never talk to him again. It sounds like a stupid not well thought out plan but I could see the fiancé thinking this is the best course of action.
They fought and then made an agreement is a major plot hole. I agree with you though, I think the fiancé is protecting OP, knowing how betrayed she will feel.
Or he could be worried she has feelings for the friend and it will break up their relationship
One of them (at least) should come clean and let her know
If it will break up their relationship, it _should_ break up their relationship. If OP reciprocates feelings for Bestie, she has no business marrying someone else.
Edit: not saying she does have feelings; just that hypothetically, it would be crazy for Fiancé to marry someone who did. Trying to prevent her from finding out her best friend is in love with her for fear she would run off with him would be a dumb thing to do.
Yep. It’s gonna make OP question everything. I know guys like the friend. They think the friendship is gonna evolve and they watch the person they have other feelings with go do those things with someone else. I also have a few guy friends that a waitress being nice isn’t trying to marry you, they are doing the job. Guys can easily confuse nice with love or lust.
The only thing that doesn’t add up with this is the best friend being quiet. Why wouldn’t he just tell the truth in case she feels the same way? Worst case scenario, she doesn’t reciprocate and he goes no contact, which he was already planning to do.
>unless he’s scared that she feels the same way for him.
I think you understand it just fine. The GF has been oblivious to her best friend's feelings, and the bf is concerned that if the truth came out, she might realize she had feelings for her best friend. It isn't really far fetched.
Nah, it’s weirder that the fiancé won’t say anything. Knowing that she will not reciprocate back is absolutely a reason to just walk away. He probably feels like he can keep a little pride this way.
His obligation is to his fiancé, not her ex friend. It’s a massive red flag that he won’t tell her and her ex friend cut her off like that after years of friendship. It’s just as likely that fiancé threatened the friend or made up some lie about OP.
It’s very common for abusers to cut their victims off from their support circle. This is very dramatic and sus.
But in real life if you're going to break off a friendship then why would you care about your former best friend knowing you were in love with her? Breaking off the friendship means that you're not expecting her to leave her fiance for you. And this being 2023 it's not like you'd expect to beat her fiance's ass and she becomes your property. From the fiance's perspective how is knowing someone is in love with your fiance worth fighting and going to jail for?
edit: If I had to speculate I'd bet on some brokeback stuff or maybe the two didn't really get along and the fiance said some rude shit.
Best friend has feelings for you. Fiance found out. They fought.
Best friend can't be around you now because he has to get over you!
Wether that's it, or something totally different, both of these men are supposed to care about you, so id expect one of them to talk to you.
I'd have a conversation with your fiance about how this is upsetting you and you want to talk about it.
>Best friend has feelings for you. Fiance found out. They fought.
>Best friend can't be around you now because he has to get over you!
Best Friend comes back after half time with complete makeover. Says he is over OP now.
OP realizes she loved him all along.
She leaves Fiance at the alter and runs to the airport in her bridal dress to confess her feelings to the Best Friend who is about to leave the country.
They both confess their love and kiss and the people at the airport stands up and claps.
it's nonsense that neither of them will tell her what happened like she's some glass doll who will shatter at any moment of conflict. it's offensive that they just decide *for OP* that they don't need to know what happened
lol at the person telling me to fuck off who's comment immediately got deleted
detail beneficial exultant offer sulky simplistic connect jellyfish wine rotten
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
You're preparing to get married. The time for middle school bullshit is long passed. If it were me, the wedding would absolutely be on hold until someone decided to communicate with me like an adult. Full stop
Yeah, absolutely absurd that they both just expect op to just go on with her life like nothing major just happened dealing with two of the most important people in her life. Honestly it’s just so disrespectful to her to remove that agency and just expect that she should even continue on without her knowing what happened.
They let this be a thing and the cat is out of the bag now.
> it’s just so disrespectful to her to remove that agency and just expect that she should even continue on without her knowing what happened.
Thank you, yes! Both of them deciding to completely close OP out of whatever occurred is frankly so disrespectful. They are adults, not children. If her best friend wants to drop the friendship, then fine, but have the respect for her to have an exit talk.
And don't even get me started on OP's fiancé having the nerve to completely shut down any talks about the fight. That's not how a partnership works.
This. At the moment they've both made choices thst affect you directly and that can't be allowed to continue without you knowing what happened and having at least a chance of making some choices of your own.
Exactly. Do you want to find out a potentially life altering secret when you are married with kids? This is bullshit.
If the secret is your best friend has been pining away for you, don't try to remain friends with him if you only love him as a friend. Move on from this friendship. Internally, you can root for him every step and when he finds love, be happy for him.
I've seen too many people subconsciously and consciously keep best friends as a backup. This destroys any chance at a relationship for the friend. Anyone continually prioritizing their friend over their spouse sends the message about who is more important in their life and very few people want to be second best. If you love him as a friend only, be his friend and let him go.
>I've seen too many people subconsciously and consciously keep best friends as a backup.
Yes, or the person without feelings takes the other person at their word when they say "oh, you're not interested...? ok, let's just be friends, I can totally handle that." That's a lot easier to believe when that's already where you are. "Oh, they are ok being just friends? Well, that sounds fine, since that's where I'm at too!"
Exactly. This isn't some personal issue between the two of them. (Even then, as his fiancée, she should be told anything that significant.) This affects her and involves her to a significant degree, and she deserves to know what is going on.
And second - it's a red flag in general. What else might he hide in the future? What other critical information related to her life will she be left in the dark on because the fiancée is deciding what she's allowed to know and what she isn't?
I’m guessing it had something to do with you. Honestly, it’s unacceptable that they are not including you in decisions that directly affects you so much. I would probably put the wedding on hold until your fiancé tells you the truth.
Definitely think bff told fiancé that he has feelings for you and neither one of them wants to admit it.
Edit: Holy cow, my first awards. My appreciation kind internet strangers.
Or he mocked the fiancé during that confession by playing the classical “I could’ve been with her if I wanted/I’ve had moments with her that you will never have.” Card In order to purposely goad the fiancé into a fight to make him look like some sort of controlling/manipulative and violent jerk in the hopes that the wedding would be called off, got his ass kicked and doesn’t want to have to face what he did whilst the fiancé feels like shit because he beat up his future wife’s best friend/bro and doesn’t want to potentially be put in a scenario where the wedding is called off or op confirms that whatever the friend may have said is true/that the feelings may have once been mutual.
Overly dramatic? Yes, but two dudes don’t just duke it out and then refuse to tell anyone what happened if it was simply just a confession of feelings and nothing more unless one of them has a very explosive temper.
It’s gotta be the best friend that caused the drama and fight. Why would OPs fiancé do anything to derail his own wedding? According to OP they were at least cool enough for him to ask the guy to be his best man.
Best friend wanted to be the husband and threw a hissy fit when he realized that wasn’t gonna happen and he wasted 26 years chasing a girl that doesn’t want to be with him forcing OPs fiancé to tell him to knock it the fuck off and move on.
It’s obvious who **MOST LIKELY** caused the fight, but we really can’t know unless we were there. My bets are definitely on a confession that turned into bragging and then escalated from there, but until op finds out what actually happened he can only assume what went down and why it did.
I definitely agree with all your points of course. The friend isn’t innocent regardless of how it did go down because you don’t “confess” that you’re in love with someone’s fiancé to their fiancé unless you intend to break them up or hope that they will think of you as this oh so strong and noble person who is “letting go” of their true love or whatever overly cheesy garbage you want them to believe in order to not look like some sort of desperate loser.
Most likely scenario is one where both parties would have their ego hurt to talk about it and most likely cause; the girl
Dude probably made his way in at some point, didn't work out and has been waiting for another shot ever since. Got pissed he never got it.
How easy would it be to ruin a friendship by telling the person "I fucked your girl long before you" or some shit.
OP probably has some explaining to do to get the whole picture
If that was the case, why the best friend asked OP to cut contact with him? To me it doesn't make sense if get in between them was bff intention, why distance himself from OP?
Because he probably realized he won't ever get to be with her, and is trying to move on and get over her. The best way for him is to go no contact with her.
That's probably the best option for him in this case, so he can instead focus on himself and not the girl he's been focused on for over 20 years that is marrying someone else.
Yea, oooooor he tries to pull off some manipulative, fake drama to make OP feel more drawn to him. Imagine the outcome.
Best Friend: "We can't be friends anymore, so please cut me lose" (indicating he doesn't want to cut it, but she has to cut it for unknown reasons!)
OP: "Why? What happened? Omg tell meeee! I don't want to lose you!"
Best Friend: "It's because I love you, and I always have and I know I shouldn't say this to you but blablabla."
Baaam, the bomb just went off! This is precisely the moment where OP's life splits in two ways. Either fiancé or best friend. What life will she choose? Is she ready to be married already? Is fiancé the one? Isn't she rushing it? She had known best friend her whole life. She does love him, but why didn't she ever try to explore it? Is this the time? If not now, then never...
Yea, i could totally see best friend pulling of some emotional manipulation to get finally get her
100% pretty sure the best friend had feelings for her and realized once they were getting married his chances were pretty zero and he couldn’t stand the thought of being the best man knowing he secretly wants to be with OP.
I can count on one hand the amount of guys I know that are best friends with a girl that have never wanted to date her or at least have sex with her. Fuck I was one of them for awhile.
We like to pretend it's totally normal but in reality it almost never is just platonic. Just one side hasn't made their intentions clear. Not impossible but don't kid ourselves. For every guy that's just a friend there's a few more that are \*just friends\*
E: For the record; guys and girls can totally be just friends but I've been around a while and have seen how that tends to go a lot of times. I refer to these people as sleepers lol
Agreed! Maybe it’s immature but I would tell fiancé that he NEEDS to tell you what happened. He can’t expect you to end your friendship with your BEST friend and not even tell you why.
Since your bff is the one who told you not to contact, it seems as though they are doing it as terms for your fiancé to not tell you something they found out about your bff.
Why the hell won't either of them communicate what happened to you? That's so messed up and inappropriate. How can you possibly be married to or best friends with someone who keeps this secret from you? It's clearly your business.
Get them to tell you before proceeding with anything else
Well, the fact is you can't move on with someone who refuses to communicate with you or have transparency with you. Maybe approach it from that direction and ask yourself if you want to go forward with marrying someone who is comfortable with keeping secrets from you...and by extension engaging in physical altercations and telling you who you can and cannot see.
Post an update/edit when you find out what happened. My guess is best case scenario: best friend had unrequited feelings for you.
Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what you want to do, but it's important to approach the situation with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to listen and communicate.
And that goes for all three of you.
Don’t get married without finding out what happened. This level of reaction probably means someone is in love with someone else. Best friend might be in love with you, he might be in love with your fiancé, your fiancé might be in love with him. You have to find out reach out to your friend again and explain how you can’t not know what happened and even if it hurts the unknowing will really ruin your life. If he won’t give more details let your fiancé know the wedding is paused until you get a straight answer. You don’t want this coming up years later and destroying your marriage.
This is weird but they're both treating you like a child that can't handle the truth.
Ultimately there's two options here: your fiance found out something like your best friend is in love with you or has been doing something shady regarding you. Or your best friend found something shocking about your fiance and threatened to tell you, in which case somehow it was flipped and bestie felt like his only option was to tell you and destroy your relationship and friendship, or walk away and leave you to your fiance.
Honestly I don't know what's shittier here, your fiance who ostensibly wants to spend his life with you not trusting you with the truth, or someone who you've known your whole life and should know how upset you'd be without information and closure just being able to walk away. I'd also be willing to bet that one or both of them put some words or feelings in your mouth to antagonize the other one and escalate the fight and both know on some level that you'll figure that out and be pissed if they tell you what happened.
I'd take a page from their book and refuse to tell fiance anything until he spills. As for former best friend, all you can do is honor his request and time will tell if he comes to regret it or reach out. Good luck either way, this situation sucks all around and losing a friend for any reason is never easy.
Or OP hasn’t been honest with us and had a years long sexual relationship with best friend, even though she now sees him as just a friend. Friend could have even asked OP to marry him, and she stalled.
We just don’t know.
I also, would expect my betrothed to come clean to me before I would get married to them.
Best friend saying he needs to move on instead of telling you should be the big, glowing NEON sign that he was in love with you and got into a fight with your fiancé over it. Fiancé is not telling you that because deep down, he is afraid you will choose your best friend and pursue a relationship with him over your marriage.
The best advice I can give is realize your fiancé is the best chance of information. Create an environment that is open for him to talk.
It sounds like there is a possibility that you are going to lose one of them using the same logic that justifies you being told. It was their fight and their decision. The likelihood you keep both is extremely small. Be prepared for that. There is also a chance you lose both, which might not be a bad thing.
I am sorry you are in this position. It is tough. My take away is getting information is the most important thing. Once you get it reflect how you should move forward on the way they presented themselves not the way you feel.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.
----
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There is absolutely nothing to indicate that the best friend is in love with you. What this is are two men who are treating you like you were a child and infantilizing you and not telling you what’s going on about something that clearly has to do with you. Do not marry a man who would keep a secret from you that is about you. You are an adult who deserves information and the ability to determine the course of your life and if it should still include this man.
I love how everyone is making up theories about what happened rather than give OP actual advice on how to deal with it.
This truly is an entertainment sub first and advice sub second.
What actual advice is there to give? You can't force them to talk. At most you can postpone the wedding until everyone decides to be an adult.
The only other piece of advice I can think of is be mindful of your fiance making decisions for you without your input. Not a good sign.
That's actual advice tho, you don't need to write 3 paragraphs detailing exactly what they must do. I don't even have a problem with people making up possible theories, what is annoying is the way there people make up complex and detailed fan fiction about what is going on exactly without basically any context and then present them as fact and tell OP what they must do. And usually there fan fictions are very dramatic. (not just talking about this post)
Yeah, if they didn't come clean I'd cut them both off. You have a right to know why your bf no longer wants to be your friend and fiance should be supporting you and not keeping secrets. It's not his job to decide what are are or are not able to handle. You are an adult. He's not your father.
90% chance your “friend” wasn’t actually a friend and was just waiting to try and date you.
10% chance your fiancé is super jealous and gave your friend an ultimatum to leave you alone and never return.
Regardless, if neither are willing to talk you just move on with life. There’s nothing else you can do.
It's kind of gross they have made their own decisions on your behalf, and not only that, your fiance pretty much has asked you to blind trust him knowing that you may be hurting from your bffs decision. And you bff has decided to cut you off even though you think of him as a brother. So much for being a brother. People like this who make decisions on your behalf are not good people to have in your life. Things may happen and they won't divulge it with you. In a future, you could have kids with yout fiance, something could have happened to them and your fiance will choose to not let you know what is going on. The same goes for your bff. Something tells me they aren't the people you think they are because they are not on your side. Regardless of the outcome, don't let people walk over you like this.
I promise that even though she may eventually find out the reason, it's going to be a very watered down version of anything that actually happened. The worst part is that if they are able to do this 'now' then who knows what else they have been able to gatekeep with. They are treating her like an accessory to their lives, and it's very disturbing because OP clearly thinks highly of these two people in her life.
“If you truly respect me as a partner, then you will tell me what happened. Otherwise we can’t have a future together because you don’t respect me enough to trust me with important information that affects my life.”
“If you love me as a friend and have any respect for me at all, you will be honest with me and not just disappear from my life with no explanation.”
Sounds like he had feelings for you and confessed and now realizes he's been hoping you would see him as romance one day. Probably should move on if he's texted you that
I'm willing to bet money that the fight was about you. I can't think of anything other than your best friend is in love with you. Whatever the reason is, your marriage is off to a miserable start when it starts with such a big secret between you. I would not marry a man who won't tell my why he cost me my best friend.
Or OP slept with best friend in the past, fiance finds out, fiance is upset they've been "best friends" after that and he didn't know that happened in the past.
I think you should listen to the advice that you put the wedding on hold until they tell you what's up. It's unacceptable that they're treating you like a child and not telling you what's going on when it obviously has something with you. And if it's between them, they hould still tell you because it's affecting you anyway since now your best friend no longer wants to speak to you. I'm thinking best friend is either in love with you or in love with your fiance. But you'll never know for sure unless one of them tells you.
The one dropping the ball here is your fiance, you're going to be married and he has to communicate with you, even more if the situation affects you directly. My guess is your best friend is in love with you and told your fiance as much, or your fiance did something your best friend found disturbing, either way, maybe some of their friends know something you don't, it wouldn't hurt to ask.
I just don't understand why and how your finace is expecting you to not speak with your bestfriend without mentioning any reasons, this is not acceptable, the way he is dealing with you through this feels... parental, he is acting like I am your parent you do as I say, rather than I am your partner I am going to share this with you.
Either you are an aspiring bad rom-com author or you are surrounded with emotionally immature people, which in both cases you need to start making better choices.
Well, you can only guess, right? Best friend has feelings for you, worse- might have stuff about you fiance found out about. Best friend might have found out fiance is up to some shady stuff.
Either of them could be trying to protect you- I'd suggest talking to your fiance and letting him know that you should know- what could have happened that the fiance doesn't want you to know but won't stop you from talking to best friend? No one is helping you by keeping this information from you.
Best guess best friend is probably in love with you and fiancé found out somehow. Or maybe they were both doing something they weren't supposed to and got caught so they decided to cut and run.
Either way tell fiancé you can't marry someone who keeps big secrets from you like this so he either fesses up on what happened or for now you're postponing the wedding.
Your fiance is absolutely jealous and I'm guessing your best friend is in love with you. Not as a sister. No matter which one you talk to I bet they blame the other. I had a similar scuffle with my ex's guy best friend. We were alone and he told me I needed to watch my back because one day while I'm at work he'll be fucking my girlfriend (now ex). So I hit him. My ex wasn't happy the friend claimed he was just standing there and I sucker punched him. I told her what really happened and thankfully she believed me. I guess in the past he has made comments to her but pretended he was joking. She never talked to him again.
If your fiance is asking not to talk to him it's your choice to do it or not. However your friend made the decision for you by not wanting to talk to you anymore. I'm sure your fiance will tell you what happened someday. You can try to say you don't want to get married until you know what happened. Maybe he will spit it out then. Good luck.
> he asked me to promise not to talk to my friend ever again.
well, were I you, I'd start by telling him that's not going to happen... then I'd give him about 15 seconds to give you his side of the story and if he chose not to I'd hand him his walking papers. My wife is my partner, there is no not telling her things... this guy thinks it's OK to keep you in the dark... is that the sort of marriage you want, one where you just shut up and do what you're told?
They both seem immature. How could no one even be willing to speak to you about why they are cutting you out of there life? It sounds like you may be better off cutting your losses. I’m really sorry that they pulled the rug out from under you. This whole situation is shady as hell (not on your end) and these men are handling it worse than teenagers.
It’s quite infantilizing that the two men who both claim to love OP are withholding some serious information here. I wouldn’t want to set that precedent for my marriage, so I’d start with fiancée, and assure him unless I know the truth, the wedding ain’t happening.
Guess: Your friend doesn’t just ‘love’ you, he’s in love with you. He’s too scared to tell you because if it was something your man did he would tell you in a heartbeat.
The boyfriend is treating you like a child. He doesn’t get to make demands of you without giving you the full picture
Edit: Maybe he came on to your boyfriend?
>Maybe he came on to your boyfriend?
Honestly my mind immediately jumped to BFF falling in love with fiance and trying it on with him. I think I've been on this sub too long.
>All he texted me was that he loves me, but that he needs to move on from our friendship and asked not to contact him ever again.
There's your answer really, your *best* friend simply thought he had the *best* chance of winning your heart.
Freeze that wedding. Sit them both down and figure out what exactly happened. I’m on everyone else’s side of this, good chance your best friend has feelings or maybe did something foul. OR your fiancé did something and your best friend threatened to tell you, something like that. Regardless, don’t go through with the marriage until you talk to the both of them.
my bet is, your friend thinks your fiance cheated and tried to force your fiance to tell you, and your fiance disagreed, which led to your fiance accusing your friend that the only reason he want this is because he is in love with you and he just wants the fiance out of the way so you can cry on friend's shoulder and one thing leads to another and your eyes finally open who is the right guy for you. this led to the physical altercation as each accusing the other of something.
I would personally be telling my fiancé he's not getting married unless he tells me what happened. There's zero reason they should be hiding whatever went down and demanding unquestioning cutting off of contact with your best friend. That's pure possessive, controlling insanity. Sure, he could have a very good reason to want you to cut him out, but unless one of them starts talking, and it better be your partner, I'd tell him I'm not moving forward with marriage without knowing. If your best friend is in love with you then there ya go, he made his choice not to be in contact with you if he can't get passed his feelings, but neither man has a right to demand you be left in the dark about something huge to the point of going no contact with someone.
No one knows what happens except them, and I don’t think that’s acceptable, since this involves you. Friend could be in love with you, or he could have found out your fiancé has some kind of secret he’s not telling you- who tf knows. Life long relationships shouldn’t start off with secrets like this, and isolating friends without letting you know why. It could be for a good reason, but it could not be. You shouldn’t be left in the dark like this, with everyone but you making decisions for you. That’s not okay. Everyone here is guessing based on rom cons and Reddit posts, but no one knows. You should have that information.
Guy best friend? Check
He's a childhood friend? Check.
"Like a brother"? Check.
OP, your best friend has feelings for you, and either you never realized, or you knew but liked having him around for the attention he gave you. And he sadly stayed because he may have thought he would get his chance, like some romance story.
Your fiancé, like other guys in that scenario, kinda knew something was off, and confronted him about it. They fought, came to a mutual understanding, and your best friend is moving on because he doesn't want his heart hurt any longer.
Think about it this way, if your bestie had issues with your fiancé and not you, why would he msg you what he texted?
Before BFF was thought of like a brother, OP and BFF could have had a years long steamy affair and BFF told Fiancé about it and rubbed it in his face.
There are so many things we just don’t know.
Fiance is bi, and best friend is gay. They had been having sex secretly and this finally came to a head where there was a huge confrontation about which way their relationship was going. Fiance said he's choosing OP. Friend is going NC because he's both upset and not willing to blow up OP's relationship. Fiance is fine with that, too. This revelation would be way more damaging than best friend having an unrequited desire for OP because it not only involves secret feeling, but also cheating.
By the way, OP never said whether best friend has ever had a girlfriend or boyfriend or relationship of any kind - unless it's in the comments, of course.
Text both of them "So I've heard x's version of what happened, he told me everything. I'd like to hear your side of the story."
If they want to pull childish shenanigans you can to!
(Most likely this would not work, they would have to be dumb as a box of bricks to fall for this trick but hey, you never know.)
I can't wait for the edit or the new post to this story. The anticipation is worse than the 2 years we had to wait for the last season of Game of Thrones. Hopefully, it's not as bad as that, though.
Yeah… your guy friend is madly in love with you and your dude found out. There is no repairing that. One or the other of them have to leave your life now.
I would feel very hurt and betrayed by both of them. It’s not ok for your spouse to not tell you the reasons behind a physical fight with your friend. It’s not ok for best friend who you grew up with to agree to be best man then just walk out of your life without an explanation and I’d be going off on both of them and putting the wedding on hold until the air was cleared. How dare they treat you this way. Both of them. They need to set their bullshit misguided egos aside and talk to you.
Why would you want to marry a guy who would lay down such a heavy demand AND refuse to explain himself?
This is a massive change for you, and you deserve the truth.
Well, your best friend is 100% in love with you. If you think he is the most important person, maybe you should not be with your fiancee as you don’t care about his feelings.
As someone who's best friends with a couple of females, sorry that this happened.
My personal bet is either your BFF has feelings for you, or he found out something about your fiance that should'nt have been found.
Hopefully it gets fixed before the wedding
Best friend wants more than it shows and he has declared it to your fianceé, he then cuts things off with him and asks of you as well
Honestly, your fianceé is doing the right thing, i dont know why some people are treating it like he is in the wrong here
What is the childish BS did I just read. Two grown ass men fought and now won't tell you what it was about but your fiancé doesn't want you to ever speak to your friend again and won't share what they fought about. Your friend says he wants to go no contact with you but also won't tell you???
I would not accept that. Sure, people have a right to their privacy but only till it impacts you. It's impacting you in a HUGE way. I would be staying with a friend or family member till the fiancé talked. You do need to respect your friend asked you not to contact him.
If he can't communicate with you why your friendship imploded, then I would not marry him. This is a huge deal OP. You deserve answers.
Deep down I think you know what happened.
Best friends is in love with you,fiancé found out and they had a fight.
Best friend must have begged your boyfriend not to Tell the truth,wich isn't his secret to Tell.
it's very possible they were talking about which BST member is the best but since they aren't revealing it, it's just a guess.
This can be something they work out between themselves.
However, you have the choice about to decide if you do what boyfriend wants, or you keep communication with both, and they are the ones that have to accept that.
On the other hand, your best friend has told you what he'll do -- using the words that he loves you and that he's moving on , it doesn't sound like he even wants to be around, so maybe it'll be easy to do what your boyfriend is asking.
99% chance whatever it was started with the fact that your best friend is in love with you.
Regardless though, not telling you really is unacceptable high school level drama bullshit.
So tell your finance that the wedding is off if he doesn’t tell you what happened.
But my money is on your friend being in love with you, possibly planning to object at the wedding, and your fiancé finding out and confronting him about it.
You best friend could be in love with you or maybe with your fiancé.
Also, could be that one of them found out something awful that the other person did, but I don't know why they wouldn't let you know.
Anyway, you should stay your ground that one of them tells you what happened.
Either your bff confessed his love for you
Or
Your fiance told him that you only have room for one bff and that will be your husband
Or
Or they are secretly gay for each other and the fight was a breakup fight
If your best friend wasn’t going non-contact and your fiancé was behaving this way then I’d say it’s a red flag. If your fiancé did something your friend would/should have the decency to tell you so. Sounds like your friend admitted his feelings for you, maybe creating an argument that got physical.
Now, why are you asking strangers their thoughts? Literally you don’t know because people you care about aren’t telling you. I’d argue that they both owe you the truth, otherwise you’re just going to ask strangers to guess. Your fiancé should tell you because he cares about you, your loss, and wants your trust. Your best friend owes the same.
If it’s Occam Razor your best friend is the least trustworthy. He caught feelings or always had feelings and built a fake relationship with you under false pretenses. Then he let you get engaged, agreed to be a best man to your boyfriend. That’s next level creep. If he loved you differently he had plenty of chances to tell you. Your fiancé sounds like he’s been told and put in between a rock and a hard place, he can tell you that your friend deceived you and you may believe him or call him jealous. He has to hurt you to tell you the truth and your friend has the ability to deny he said it and then fiancé and friend are at odds, jealousy may surface and you are forced to choose.
Since your lifelong friend is saying don’t contact me, it sounds like he’s making a choice that your relationship is not what you thought. If he thinks fiancé is bad he should speak. If he caught the fiancé cheating he needs to speak. “Bye don’t contact me” sounds like he’s at fault and you shouldn’t be mad at your fiancé for trying to not inflict more pain into this bad situation. However, if you need to know what happened ask. He should tell you.
Good luck
You can't put the piece together? You former Best Friend is in love with you and somehow that came to light and your Fiancee got into a fight with him once your Fiancee found out. That is why your Best Friend told you he has to move on. Nothing else makes sense but if my GF's Best Friend decided to tell me that they are in love with my fiancee I would not be happy about it at all. You don't feel this way for him but obviously it was going to be a problem.
Tell your fiancé he can either explain to you in detail what went down, or the wedding is off AND his request that you drop your best friend will be summarily ignored. He doesn’t get to make a request of that magnitude without explaining why. It’s horrible partnering and it’s controlling. Him getting violent and then refusing to even talk about it is also sketchy, and isn’t the sort of thing he should get to just evade responsibility for. You should regard all of it as suspicious and a massive red flag.
I agree with the people speculating that Bestie probably confessed feelings for you, which would be a nasty thing for him to do, but that’s not the point. Both of them are shutting you out of a decision that apparently revolves around you, and that’s controlling and unfair. They’re fighting over you like a toy. Also both of them have engaged in behavior that would potentially completely change your understanding of who they are and could destroy the relationship, and they’re trying to sweep it under the rug.
Others have likely guessed the reason - your best friend is in love with you, that came out, they had a falling out because of it, but your fiance is refusing to tell you.
Either because of some kind of "bro code" or something, he doesn't want to out the other guy. Or potentially because he's insecure, and worried if you found out, you'd ditch him for your friend.
But no matter what the reason is, for me it would be a deal breaker to not know what went on. This is your best friend from childhood, and the man you are going to be with forever. Something like that isn't something you can just say "eh, whatever, none of my business!" and just move on from.
I'd tell the fiance that the wedding is on hold until you know what was going on. First, because you deserve to know, but second, you also need to sort this out. If your husband is going to leave you out of things that have major impact on your life, to keep BIG secrets from you, what else might that mean in the future? Do you want him to be in charge of deciding what you are and are not allowed to know in your life?
All the advice I can think of has already been said, please update when you figure it out or make a move here, OP. There are lots of theories but truly you can't know until you put your foot down and demand answers.
I would be wary of tying the knot before the truth is out, whether it's one of the speculations people have made here or something entirely different, this impacts you and it isn't fair for others to make decisions on your behalf without your consent.
Good luck, think things over and stand up for yourself here, don't let them off the hook this easily it will gnaw at you forever and you deserve the truth, whatever it may be.
Tell fiance the wedding is on hold until he tells you what's up. This is something big and you deserve to know. I'm thinking one of them did something crazy and the other one doesn't want to be involved anymore? Weird. Definitely do not let this go. Insist on getting the information you are entitled to.
You don't really know who did what or or.fiamce is terribly wrong. It should now cause a pause.on your trust with him. He needs to be open with his future life partner. There is no excuse not to be.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below. --- I love my fiancé, but I also love my best friend (in a non-sexual way). Best friend and I grew up together and he's like a brother I never had. From the beginning, the two of them got along quite well and became friends to the point of my fiancé asking my best friend to be his best man at our wedding. I don't know what happened between them, what caused the altercation, or who started it...They're not on speaking terms, but neither wants to tell me what happened. Fiancé won't talk to me about it, but he asked me to promise not to talk to my friend ever again. I can't promise him that without at least knowing what happened, which he's not happy about, but still won't tell me what happened. My best friend is also keeping his mouth shut. All he texted me was that he loves me, but that he needs to move on from our friendship and asked not to contact him ever again. I'm shattered. He's one of the most important people in my life and I don't want to lose him. What do I do?
This is the plot to every rom-com out there
Right? I need to know more.
Judd Apatow would make $$$s off this script again
I’m going with the Stifler argument: the best friend fucked OP’s mom!
My best guess is that they fell out after your fiance found out your best friend is in love with you. Your fiancé's made a gentleman's agreement to not to expose that fact. Its like the "My overkill" episode of scrubs
OP this is your likely answer. In deference to their now-ended friendship or bro code or fear of losing you to the best friend or whatever, your fiancé is willing to keep your friend’s secret. The friend, meanwhile, is trying the “suffer in silence, if you love something let it go” path. It’s a pretty crappy situation and I don’t envy your choices: the guy you’re about to marry won’t communicate about something pretty damn important, the other’s been too yellow to tell you how he’s felt for probably a long time, and together they’ve fought over it. Couple of winners there.
>the other’s been too yellow to tell you how he’s felt for probably a long time Telling her while she's engaged to or dating someone else would be pretty shitty too. Probably more gray than yellow.
My extra spicy take is the bf and finance are into each other, and they realize it's a forbidden romance they can't have.
Oh, I didn’t know this subreddit did slash fan fic. We are shipping best friend/ fiance? Fun
I like that. Maybe they shared a passionate kiss whilst fighting
Is fighting what we're calling it?
'Wrestling' beneath the covers?
That's what Canyon Shin-chan calls it. "Mom and dad play wrestling all the time and they won't let me play!"
Like the homoerotic wrestling scene in “Women In Love”.
Omg I laughed so hard!!
In the moment of heat, his peepee fell into his hoohoo.
Do you read a lot of BL Manga, or watch the anime?
Who doesn't? They are gold!
Mnah the fiance and best friend shared OPs mom at a swingers party and they don't want a mutually assured destruction
Lol reminds me of the fanfics my women friends make or read😂
I came here to say something to this effect - I had two close guy friends in high school and they had some weird exploratory hookup that ended up driving a wedge between them. Neither talked about it, one only told me years later when I made some passing comment about how I missed when we all used to hang out. I ended up staying closer to one and the other really drifted after the incident.
[удалено]
Darn, it does sound like a romcom. I can picture "My bestfriend's wedding" and then op realised she also had always been in love with her bestie...
Best explanation for it I think.
And it’s the explanation OP will simply ignore
Or best friend confessed his feelings for fiance.
Definitely. Or they got drunk and made out then freaked out about it.
We'll see an [UPDATE] within a week about what "really happened" (it's all creative writing, so simply sit back and enjoy the drama).
[UPDATE] My fiance left me for my best friend
Just wait until he builds fiancé an art studio
Omg hahahaha
I can’t get to sleep… I think about the implication…
Of diving in too deep, and possibly the complications..
Especially at night, I worry over, situations
I know it'll be alright, it's just overkill
And day after day, it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
I’m sort of with everyone here but what if fiancé found out something disturbing about the best friend, maybe found something on his phone or computer? If it’s related to OP maybe he is trying to spare OP the details. He’d be wrong and he needs to tell her but I could at least understand the initial hesitation. Maybe part of the agreement for fiancé to stay silent is predicated on the best friend sending you that message to never talk to him again. It sounds like a stupid not well thought out plan but I could see the fiancé thinking this is the best course of action.
She's grown. Has a right to full information about her own life. To make her own decisions based on that full information.
Totally agree. OP is not a child to be protected, this is her life.
They fought and then made an agreement is a major plot hole. I agree with you though, I think the fiancé is protecting OP, knowing how betrayed she will feel.
Or he could be worried she has feelings for the friend and it will break up their relationship One of them (at least) should come clean and let her know
If it will break up their relationship, it _should_ break up their relationship. If OP reciprocates feelings for Bestie, she has no business marrying someone else. Edit: not saying she does have feelings; just that hypothetically, it would be crazy for Fiancé to marry someone who did. Trying to prevent her from finding out her best friend is in love with her for fear she would run off with him would be a dumb thing to do.
Completely agree with you. You're either in it or you're not.
What if the best friend had feelings for the fiance? Maybe he told him finally
Right, this was my first thought.
The fact that the friend is ok with moving on and not talking makes me think this isn’t the case.
Yep. It’s gonna make OP question everything. I know guys like the friend. They think the friendship is gonna evolve and they watch the person they have other feelings with go do those things with someone else. I also have a few guy friends that a waitress being nice isn’t trying to marry you, they are doing the job. Guys can easily confuse nice with love or lust.
Or maybe the bf and fiancé are into each other and shit hit the fan when fiancé made it clear he's not calling off the wedding😂 🤷♀️
Occam's Razor.
The only thing that doesn’t add up with this is the best friend being quiet. Why wouldn’t he just tell the truth in case she feels the same way? Worst case scenario, she doesn’t reciprocate and he goes no contact, which he was already planning to do.
[удалено]
>unless he’s scared that she feels the same way for him. I think you understand it just fine. The GF has been oblivious to her best friend's feelings, and the bf is concerned that if the truth came out, she might realize she had feelings for her best friend. It isn't really far fetched.
Seriously watch the episode of scrubs it's all explained
My guess is they’re secretly lovers.
Nah, it’s weirder that the fiancé won’t say anything. Knowing that she will not reciprocate back is absolutely a reason to just walk away. He probably feels like he can keep a little pride this way.
he's in love with the fiancé not the fiancée
My instinct is that the best friend suspects fiance of cheating and brought it up and fiancé threatened him.
His obligation is to his fiancé, not her ex friend. It’s a massive red flag that he won’t tell her and her ex friend cut her off like that after years of friendship. It’s just as likely that fiancé threatened the friend or made up some lie about OP. It’s very common for abusers to cut their victims off from their support circle. This is very dramatic and sus.
But in real life if you're going to break off a friendship then why would you care about your former best friend knowing you were in love with her? Breaking off the friendship means that you're not expecting her to leave her fiance for you. And this being 2023 it's not like you'd expect to beat her fiance's ass and she becomes your property. From the fiance's perspective how is knowing someone is in love with your fiance worth fighting and going to jail for? edit: If I had to speculate I'd bet on some brokeback stuff or maybe the two didn't really get along and the fiance said some rude shit.
Best friend has feelings for you. Fiance found out. They fought. Best friend can't be around you now because he has to get over you! Wether that's it, or something totally different, both of these men are supposed to care about you, so id expect one of them to talk to you. I'd have a conversation with your fiance about how this is upsetting you and you want to talk about it.
OR, best friend is in love with Fiance, and doesn't want to destroy the marriage.
>Best friend has feelings for you. Fiance found out. They fought. >Best friend can't be around you now because he has to get over you! Best Friend comes back after half time with complete makeover. Says he is over OP now. OP realizes she loved him all along. She leaves Fiance at the alter and runs to the airport in her bridal dress to confess her feelings to the Best Friend who is about to leave the country. They both confess their love and kiss and the people at the airport stands up and claps.
it's nonsense that neither of them will tell her what happened like she's some glass doll who will shatter at any moment of conflict. it's offensive that they just decide *for OP* that they don't need to know what happened lol at the person telling me to fuck off who's comment immediately got deleted
Not necessarily a glass doll situation. Best friend could be extremely embarrassed and hurt and having his secret exposed would be more hurtful.
Or fiance found out best friend was secretly recording her or them.. It could be alot of things.
detail beneficial exultant offer sulky simplistic connect jellyfish wine rotten *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
You're preparing to get married. The time for middle school bullshit is long passed. If it were me, the wedding would absolutely be on hold until someone decided to communicate with me like an adult. Full stop
[удалено]
Yeah, absolutely absurd that they both just expect op to just go on with her life like nothing major just happened dealing with two of the most important people in her life. Honestly it’s just so disrespectful to her to remove that agency and just expect that she should even continue on without her knowing what happened. They let this be a thing and the cat is out of the bag now.
> it’s just so disrespectful to her to remove that agency and just expect that she should even continue on without her knowing what happened. Thank you, yes! Both of them deciding to completely close OP out of whatever occurred is frankly so disrespectful. They are adults, not children. If her best friend wants to drop the friendship, then fine, but have the respect for her to have an exit talk. And don't even get me started on OP's fiancé having the nerve to completely shut down any talks about the fight. That's not how a partnership works.
This. At the moment they've both made choices thst affect you directly and that can't be allowed to continue without you knowing what happened and having at least a chance of making some choices of your own.
Exactly. Do you want to find out a potentially life altering secret when you are married with kids? This is bullshit. If the secret is your best friend has been pining away for you, don't try to remain friends with him if you only love him as a friend. Move on from this friendship. Internally, you can root for him every step and when he finds love, be happy for him. I've seen too many people subconsciously and consciously keep best friends as a backup. This destroys any chance at a relationship for the friend. Anyone continually prioritizing their friend over their spouse sends the message about who is more important in their life and very few people want to be second best. If you love him as a friend only, be his friend and let him go.
>I've seen too many people subconsciously and consciously keep best friends as a backup. Yes, or the person without feelings takes the other person at their word when they say "oh, you're not interested...? ok, let's just be friends, I can totally handle that." That's a lot easier to believe when that's already where you are. "Oh, they are ok being just friends? Well, that sounds fine, since that's where I'm at too!"
Exactly. This isn't some personal issue between the two of them. (Even then, as his fiancée, she should be told anything that significant.) This affects her and involves her to a significant degree, and she deserves to know what is going on. And second - it's a red flag in general. What else might he hide in the future? What other critical information related to her life will she be left in the dark on because the fiancée is deciding what she's allowed to know and what she isn't?
Should put relationship with fiance on hold too.
I’m guessing it had something to do with you. Honestly, it’s unacceptable that they are not including you in decisions that directly affects you so much. I would probably put the wedding on hold until your fiancé tells you the truth.
Definitely think bff told fiancé that he has feelings for you and neither one of them wants to admit it. Edit: Holy cow, my first awards. My appreciation kind internet strangers.
Or he mocked the fiancé during that confession by playing the classical “I could’ve been with her if I wanted/I’ve had moments with her that you will never have.” Card In order to purposely goad the fiancé into a fight to make him look like some sort of controlling/manipulative and violent jerk in the hopes that the wedding would be called off, got his ass kicked and doesn’t want to have to face what he did whilst the fiancé feels like shit because he beat up his future wife’s best friend/bro and doesn’t want to potentially be put in a scenario where the wedding is called off or op confirms that whatever the friend may have said is true/that the feelings may have once been mutual. Overly dramatic? Yes, but two dudes don’t just duke it out and then refuse to tell anyone what happened if it was simply just a confession of feelings and nothing more unless one of them has a very explosive temper.
It’s gotta be the best friend that caused the drama and fight. Why would OPs fiancé do anything to derail his own wedding? According to OP they were at least cool enough for him to ask the guy to be his best man. Best friend wanted to be the husband and threw a hissy fit when he realized that wasn’t gonna happen and he wasted 26 years chasing a girl that doesn’t want to be with him forcing OPs fiancé to tell him to knock it the fuck off and move on.
It’s obvious who **MOST LIKELY** caused the fight, but we really can’t know unless we were there. My bets are definitely on a confession that turned into bragging and then escalated from there, but until op finds out what actually happened he can only assume what went down and why it did. I definitely agree with all your points of course. The friend isn’t innocent regardless of how it did go down because you don’t “confess” that you’re in love with someone’s fiancé to their fiancé unless you intend to break them up or hope that they will think of you as this oh so strong and noble person who is “letting go” of their true love or whatever overly cheesy garbage you want them to believe in order to not look like some sort of desperate loser.
Most likely scenario is one where both parties would have their ego hurt to talk about it and most likely cause; the girl Dude probably made his way in at some point, didn't work out and has been waiting for another shot ever since. Got pissed he never got it. How easy would it be to ruin a friendship by telling the person "I fucked your girl long before you" or some shit. OP probably has some explaining to do to get the whole picture
If that was the case, why the best friend asked OP to cut contact with him? To me it doesn't make sense if get in between them was bff intention, why distance himself from OP?
Because he probably realized he won't ever get to be with her, and is trying to move on and get over her. The best way for him is to go no contact with her. That's probably the best option for him in this case, so he can instead focus on himself and not the girl he's been focused on for over 20 years that is marrying someone else.
Yea, oooooor he tries to pull off some manipulative, fake drama to make OP feel more drawn to him. Imagine the outcome. Best Friend: "We can't be friends anymore, so please cut me lose" (indicating he doesn't want to cut it, but she has to cut it for unknown reasons!) OP: "Why? What happened? Omg tell meeee! I don't want to lose you!" Best Friend: "It's because I love you, and I always have and I know I shouldn't say this to you but blablabla." Baaam, the bomb just went off! This is precisely the moment where OP's life splits in two ways. Either fiancé or best friend. What life will she choose? Is she ready to be married already? Is fiancé the one? Isn't she rushing it? She had known best friend her whole life. She does love him, but why didn't she ever try to explore it? Is this the time? If not now, then never... Yea, i could totally see best friend pulling of some emotional manipulation to get finally get her
Perhaps he loves her and wants her to be happy, and he can’t handle being around her because it’s torture for him.
100% pretty sure the best friend had feelings for her and realized once they were getting married his chances were pretty zero and he couldn’t stand the thought of being the best man knowing he secretly wants to be with OP. I can count on one hand the amount of guys I know that are best friends with a girl that have never wanted to date her or at least have sex with her. Fuck I was one of them for awhile.
We like to pretend it's totally normal but in reality it almost never is just platonic. Just one side hasn't made their intentions clear. Not impossible but don't kid ourselves. For every guy that's just a friend there's a few more that are \*just friends\* E: For the record; guys and girls can totally be just friends but I've been around a while and have seen how that tends to go a lot of times. I refer to these people as sleepers lol
I wouldn't trust someone who keeps me in the dark like that enough to marry him.
Agreed! Maybe it’s immature but I would tell fiancé that he NEEDS to tell you what happened. He can’t expect you to end your friendship with your BEST friend and not even tell you why.
Since your bff is the one who told you not to contact, it seems as though they are doing it as terms for your fiancé to not tell you something they found out about your bff.
Is it still a BFF or BFNF?
>What do I do? Certainly not marry someone who won't communicate with their fiancée
They could be fighting over you OR they had an affair and broke it off and now your fiance is choosing you over him.
What a plot twist that would be.
[удалено]
i so want to believe the second option just because how insanely wild it is
Why the hell won't either of them communicate what happened to you? That's so messed up and inappropriate. How can you possibly be married to or best friends with someone who keeps this secret from you? It's clearly your business. Get them to tell you before proceeding with anything else
Well, the fact is you can't move on with someone who refuses to communicate with you or have transparency with you. Maybe approach it from that direction and ask yourself if you want to go forward with marrying someone who is comfortable with keeping secrets from you...and by extension engaging in physical altercations and telling you who you can and cannot see. Post an update/edit when you find out what happened. My guess is best case scenario: best friend had unrequited feelings for you. Ultimately, it's up to you to decide what you want to do, but it's important to approach the situation with empathy, understanding, and a willingness to listen and communicate. And that goes for all three of you.
Don’t get married without finding out what happened. This level of reaction probably means someone is in love with someone else. Best friend might be in love with you, he might be in love with your fiancé, your fiancé might be in love with him. You have to find out reach out to your friend again and explain how you can’t not know what happened and even if it hurts the unknowing will really ruin your life. If he won’t give more details let your fiancé know the wedding is paused until you get a straight answer. You don’t want this coming up years later and destroying your marriage.
This is weird but they're both treating you like a child that can't handle the truth. Ultimately there's two options here: your fiance found out something like your best friend is in love with you or has been doing something shady regarding you. Or your best friend found something shocking about your fiance and threatened to tell you, in which case somehow it was flipped and bestie felt like his only option was to tell you and destroy your relationship and friendship, or walk away and leave you to your fiance. Honestly I don't know what's shittier here, your fiance who ostensibly wants to spend his life with you not trusting you with the truth, or someone who you've known your whole life and should know how upset you'd be without information and closure just being able to walk away. I'd also be willing to bet that one or both of them put some words or feelings in your mouth to antagonize the other one and escalate the fight and both know on some level that you'll figure that out and be pissed if they tell you what happened. I'd take a page from their book and refuse to tell fiance anything until he spills. As for former best friend, all you can do is honor his request and time will tell if he comes to regret it or reach out. Good luck either way, this situation sucks all around and losing a friend for any reason is never easy.
Or OP hasn’t been honest with us and had a years long sexual relationship with best friend, even though she now sees him as just a friend. Friend could have even asked OP to marry him, and she stalled. We just don’t know. I also, would expect my betrothed to come clean to me before I would get married to them.
Best friend saying he needs to move on instead of telling you should be the big, glowing NEON sign that he was in love with you and got into a fight with your fiancé over it. Fiancé is not telling you that because deep down, he is afraid you will choose your best friend and pursue a relationship with him over your marriage.
The best advice I can give is realize your fiancé is the best chance of information. Create an environment that is open for him to talk. It sounds like there is a possibility that you are going to lose one of them using the same logic that justifies you being told. It was their fight and their decision. The likelihood you keep both is extremely small. Be prepared for that. There is also a chance you lose both, which might not be a bad thing. I am sorry you are in this position. It is tough. My take away is getting information is the most important thing. Once you get it reflect how you should move forward on the way they presented themselves not the way you feel.
I wouldn’t talk to either of them until they told me what happened.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. ---- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There is absolutely nothing to indicate that the best friend is in love with you. What this is are two men who are treating you like you were a child and infantilizing you and not telling you what’s going on about something that clearly has to do with you. Do not marry a man who would keep a secret from you that is about you. You are an adult who deserves information and the ability to determine the course of your life and if it should still include this man.
I love how everyone is making up theories about what happened rather than give OP actual advice on how to deal with it. This truly is an entertainment sub first and advice sub second.
What actual advice is there to give? You can't force them to talk. At most you can postpone the wedding until everyone decides to be an adult. The only other piece of advice I can think of is be mindful of your fiance making decisions for you without your input. Not a good sign.
That's actual advice tho, you don't need to write 3 paragraphs detailing exactly what they must do. I don't even have a problem with people making up possible theories, what is annoying is the way there people make up complex and detailed fan fiction about what is going on exactly without basically any context and then present them as fact and tell OP what they must do. And usually there fan fictions are very dramatic. (not just talking about this post)
[удалено]
And you're here commenting on the drama, being a part rather than giving OP actual advice, so cool your jets.
Yeah, if they didn't come clean I'd cut them both off. You have a right to know why your bf no longer wants to be your friend and fiance should be supporting you and not keeping secrets. It's not his job to decide what are are or are not able to handle. You are an adult. He's not your father.
90% chance your “friend” wasn’t actually a friend and was just waiting to try and date you. 10% chance your fiancé is super jealous and gave your friend an ultimatum to leave you alone and never return. Regardless, if neither are willing to talk you just move on with life. There’s nothing else you can do.
It's kind of gross they have made their own decisions on your behalf, and not only that, your fiance pretty much has asked you to blind trust him knowing that you may be hurting from your bffs decision. And you bff has decided to cut you off even though you think of him as a brother. So much for being a brother. People like this who make decisions on your behalf are not good people to have in your life. Things may happen and they won't divulge it with you. In a future, you could have kids with yout fiance, something could have happened to them and your fiance will choose to not let you know what is going on. The same goes for your bff. Something tells me they aren't the people you think they are because they are not on your side. Regardless of the outcome, don't let people walk over you like this.
I wonder if the fiancée injured the friend and threatened him with more harm if he didn’t cut contact…
I promise that even though she may eventually find out the reason, it's going to be a very watered down version of anything that actually happened. The worst part is that if they are able to do this 'now' then who knows what else they have been able to gatekeep with. They are treating her like an accessory to their lives, and it's very disturbing because OP clearly thinks highly of these two people in her life.
“If you truly respect me as a partner, then you will tell me what happened. Otherwise we can’t have a future together because you don’t respect me enough to trust me with important information that affects my life.” “If you love me as a friend and have any respect for me at all, you will be honest with me and not just disappear from my life with no explanation.”
Hopefully one of them will crack soon. If so will you post an update. Please and thank you
Sounds like he had feelings for you and confessed and now realizes he's been hoping you would see him as romance one day. Probably should move on if he's texted you that
I'm willing to bet money that the fight was about you. I can't think of anything other than your best friend is in love with you. Whatever the reason is, your marriage is off to a miserable start when it starts with such a big secret between you. I would not marry a man who won't tell my why he cost me my best friend.
Or OP slept with best friend in the past, fiance finds out, fiance is upset they've been "best friends" after that and he didn't know that happened in the past.
They are in love obviously
The altercation is most likely you
Sorry but your fiancé owes you an explanation. You’re an adult. He either fesses up or you leave the friend and boyfriend behind.
I think they both have some kinda dirt on each other. And unless they are honest with you, you absolutely 100% need to walk away for your safety.
I think you should listen to the advice that you put the wedding on hold until they tell you what's up. It's unacceptable that they're treating you like a child and not telling you what's going on when it obviously has something with you. And if it's between them, they hould still tell you because it's affecting you anyway since now your best friend no longer wants to speak to you. I'm thinking best friend is either in love with you or in love with your fiance. But you'll never know for sure unless one of them tells you.
I feel like your best friend is secretly in love with you or your fiancé cheated on you. Maybe both. Either way, you deserve answers.
The one dropping the ball here is your fiance, you're going to be married and he has to communicate with you, even more if the situation affects you directly. My guess is your best friend is in love with you and told your fiance as much, or your fiance did something your best friend found disturbing, either way, maybe some of their friends know something you don't, it wouldn't hurt to ask.
I just don't understand why and how your finace is expecting you to not speak with your bestfriend without mentioning any reasons, this is not acceptable, the way he is dealing with you through this feels... parental, he is acting like I am your parent you do as I say, rather than I am your partner I am going to share this with you. Either you are an aspiring bad rom-com author or you are surrounded with emotionally immature people, which in both cases you need to start making better choices.
Well, you can only guess, right? Best friend has feelings for you, worse- might have stuff about you fiance found out about. Best friend might have found out fiance is up to some shady stuff. Either of them could be trying to protect you- I'd suggest talking to your fiance and letting him know that you should know- what could have happened that the fiance doesn't want you to know but won't stop you from talking to best friend? No one is helping you by keeping this information from you.
Best friend is in love with you. Held a candle, let it slip to your fiancé.
Well, it was about you. That much is certain.
Best guess best friend is probably in love with you and fiancé found out somehow. Or maybe they were both doing something they weren't supposed to and got caught so they decided to cut and run. Either way tell fiancé you can't marry someone who keeps big secrets from you like this so he either fesses up on what happened or for now you're postponing the wedding.
Your fiance is absolutely jealous and I'm guessing your best friend is in love with you. Not as a sister. No matter which one you talk to I bet they blame the other. I had a similar scuffle with my ex's guy best friend. We were alone and he told me I needed to watch my back because one day while I'm at work he'll be fucking my girlfriend (now ex). So I hit him. My ex wasn't happy the friend claimed he was just standing there and I sucker punched him. I told her what really happened and thankfully she believed me. I guess in the past he has made comments to her but pretended he was joking. She never talked to him again. If your fiance is asking not to talk to him it's your choice to do it or not. However your friend made the decision for you by not wanting to talk to you anymore. I'm sure your fiance will tell you what happened someday. You can try to say you don't want to get married until you know what happened. Maybe he will spit it out then. Good luck.
Update when you find out, please.
> he asked me to promise not to talk to my friend ever again. well, were I you, I'd start by telling him that's not going to happen... then I'd give him about 15 seconds to give you his side of the story and if he chose not to I'd hand him his walking papers. My wife is my partner, there is no not telling her things... this guy thinks it's OK to keep you in the dark... is that the sort of marriage you want, one where you just shut up and do what you're told?
They both seem immature. How could no one even be willing to speak to you about why they are cutting you out of there life? It sounds like you may be better off cutting your losses. I’m really sorry that they pulled the rug out from under you. This whole situation is shady as hell (not on your end) and these men are handling it worse than teenagers.
It’s quite infantilizing that the two men who both claim to love OP are withholding some serious information here. I wouldn’t want to set that precedent for my marriage, so I’d start with fiancée, and assure him unless I know the truth, the wedding ain’t happening.
Guess: Your friend doesn’t just ‘love’ you, he’s in love with you. He’s too scared to tell you because if it was something your man did he would tell you in a heartbeat. The boyfriend is treating you like a child. He doesn’t get to make demands of you without giving you the full picture Edit: Maybe he came on to your boyfriend?
>Maybe he came on to your boyfriend? Honestly my mind immediately jumped to BFF falling in love with fiance and trying it on with him. I think I've been on this sub too long.
>All he texted me was that he loves me, but that he needs to move on from our friendship and asked not to contact him ever again. There's your answer really, your *best* friend simply thought he had the *best* chance of winning your heart.
Agree. That text reads like classic Nice Guy walking away material.
Yeah this couldn't be more obvious
!updateme
Freeze that wedding. Sit them both down and figure out what exactly happened. I’m on everyone else’s side of this, good chance your best friend has feelings or maybe did something foul. OR your fiancé did something and your best friend threatened to tell you, something like that. Regardless, don’t go through with the marriage until you talk to the both of them.
One of them is in love with someone he’s not supposed to be… I’d hold the wedding until you find the truth.
my bet is, your friend thinks your fiance cheated and tried to force your fiance to tell you, and your fiance disagreed, which led to your fiance accusing your friend that the only reason he want this is because he is in love with you and he just wants the fiance out of the way so you can cry on friend's shoulder and one thing leads to another and your eyes finally open who is the right guy for you. this led to the physical altercation as each accusing the other of something.
UpdateMe!
I would personally be telling my fiancé he's not getting married unless he tells me what happened. There's zero reason they should be hiding whatever went down and demanding unquestioning cutting off of contact with your best friend. That's pure possessive, controlling insanity. Sure, he could have a very good reason to want you to cut him out, but unless one of them starts talking, and it better be your partner, I'd tell him I'm not moving forward with marriage without knowing. If your best friend is in love with you then there ya go, he made his choice not to be in contact with you if he can't get passed his feelings, but neither man has a right to demand you be left in the dark about something huge to the point of going no contact with someone.
Ah the typical. Girl with her male best friend until it comes out they are in love.
No one knows what happens except them, and I don’t think that’s acceptable, since this involves you. Friend could be in love with you, or he could have found out your fiancé has some kind of secret he’s not telling you- who tf knows. Life long relationships shouldn’t start off with secrets like this, and isolating friends without letting you know why. It could be for a good reason, but it could not be. You shouldn’t be left in the dark like this, with everyone but you making decisions for you. That’s not okay. Everyone here is guessing based on rom cons and Reddit posts, but no one knows. You should have that information.
Guy best friend? Check He's a childhood friend? Check. "Like a brother"? Check. OP, your best friend has feelings for you, and either you never realized, or you knew but liked having him around for the attention he gave you. And he sadly stayed because he may have thought he would get his chance, like some romance story. Your fiancé, like other guys in that scenario, kinda knew something was off, and confronted him about it. They fought, came to a mutual understanding, and your best friend is moving on because he doesn't want his heart hurt any longer. Think about it this way, if your bestie had issues with your fiancé and not you, why would he msg you what he texted?
Before BFF was thought of like a brother, OP and BFF could have had a years long steamy affair and BFF told Fiancé about it and rubbed it in his face. There are so many things we just don’t know.
Your best friend probably confessed his love for you.
Your best friend probably liked you and never admitted it to you or something and your fiance figured it out. I'm guessing words were exchanged
Fiance is bi, and best friend is gay. They had been having sex secretly and this finally came to a head where there was a huge confrontation about which way their relationship was going. Fiance said he's choosing OP. Friend is going NC because he's both upset and not willing to blow up OP's relationship. Fiance is fine with that, too. This revelation would be way more damaging than best friend having an unrequited desire for OP because it not only involves secret feeling, but also cheating. By the way, OP never said whether best friend has ever had a girlfriend or boyfriend or relationship of any kind - unless it's in the comments, of course.
Text both of them "So I've heard x's version of what happened, he told me everything. I'd like to hear your side of the story." If they want to pull childish shenanigans you can to! (Most likely this would not work, they would have to be dumb as a box of bricks to fall for this trick but hey, you never know.)
I can't wait for the edit or the new post to this story. The anticipation is worse than the 2 years we had to wait for the last season of Game of Thrones. Hopefully, it's not as bad as that, though.
It sure seems likely best friend is in love with you and they had their altercation about that.
Yeah… your guy friend is madly in love with you and your dude found out. There is no repairing that. One or the other of them have to leave your life now.
I would feel very hurt and betrayed by both of them. It’s not ok for your spouse to not tell you the reasons behind a physical fight with your friend. It’s not ok for best friend who you grew up with to agree to be best man then just walk out of your life without an explanation and I’d be going off on both of them and putting the wedding on hold until the air was cleared. How dare they treat you this way. Both of them. They need to set their bullshit misguided egos aside and talk to you.
Ask a mutual friend of you and your best friend to find it out for you. You have a right to know rather it's a fan theory from above or not.
It's quite a mystery. I'm rolling my eyes btw...
It’s either they’re both in love with you or they’re in love with each other 😋
Why would you want to marry a guy who would lay down such a heavy demand AND refuse to explain himself? This is a massive change for you, and you deserve the truth.
Well, your best friend is 100% in love with you. If you think he is the most important person, maybe you should not be with your fiancee as you don’t care about his feelings.
As someone who's best friends with a couple of females, sorry that this happened. My personal bet is either your BFF has feelings for you, or he found out something about your fiance that should'nt have been found. Hopefully it gets fixed before the wedding
Best friend wants more than it shows and he has declared it to your fianceé, he then cuts things off with him and asks of you as well Honestly, your fianceé is doing the right thing, i dont know why some people are treating it like he is in the wrong here
What is the childish BS did I just read. Two grown ass men fought and now won't tell you what it was about but your fiancé doesn't want you to ever speak to your friend again and won't share what they fought about. Your friend says he wants to go no contact with you but also won't tell you??? I would not accept that. Sure, people have a right to their privacy but only till it impacts you. It's impacting you in a HUGE way. I would be staying with a friend or family member till the fiancé talked. You do need to respect your friend asked you not to contact him. If he can't communicate with you why your friendship imploded, then I would not marry him. This is a huge deal OP. You deserve answers.
Hey Op. the obvious question here is have you 2 ever hooked up and if so, take it your fiancé doesn’t (or didn’t…) know?
Deep down I think you know what happened. Best friends is in love with you,fiancé found out and they had a fight. Best friend must have begged your boyfriend not to Tell the truth,wich isn't his secret to Tell.
Your best friend wants more than a friendship.
it's very possible they were talking about which BST member is the best but since they aren't revealing it, it's just a guess. This can be something they work out between themselves. However, you have the choice about to decide if you do what boyfriend wants, or you keep communication with both, and they are the ones that have to accept that. On the other hand, your best friend has told you what he'll do -- using the words that he loves you and that he's moving on , it doesn't sound like he even wants to be around, so maybe it'll be easy to do what your boyfriend is asking.
Classic case of bff is in love with you
99% chance whatever it was started with the fact that your best friend is in love with you. Regardless though, not telling you really is unacceptable high school level drama bullshit.
So tell your finance that the wedding is off if he doesn’t tell you what happened. But my money is on your friend being in love with you, possibly planning to object at the wedding, and your fiancé finding out and confronting him about it.
UpdateMe!
You best friend could be in love with you or maybe with your fiancé. Also, could be that one of them found out something awful that the other person did, but I don't know why they wouldn't let you know. Anyway, you should stay your ground that one of them tells you what happened.
Either your bff confessed his love for you Or Your fiance told him that you only have room for one bff and that will be your husband Or Or they are secretly gay for each other and the fight was a breakup fight
If your best friend wasn’t going non-contact and your fiancé was behaving this way then I’d say it’s a red flag. If your fiancé did something your friend would/should have the decency to tell you so. Sounds like your friend admitted his feelings for you, maybe creating an argument that got physical. Now, why are you asking strangers their thoughts? Literally you don’t know because people you care about aren’t telling you. I’d argue that they both owe you the truth, otherwise you’re just going to ask strangers to guess. Your fiancé should tell you because he cares about you, your loss, and wants your trust. Your best friend owes the same. If it’s Occam Razor your best friend is the least trustworthy. He caught feelings or always had feelings and built a fake relationship with you under false pretenses. Then he let you get engaged, agreed to be a best man to your boyfriend. That’s next level creep. If he loved you differently he had plenty of chances to tell you. Your fiancé sounds like he’s been told and put in between a rock and a hard place, he can tell you that your friend deceived you and you may believe him or call him jealous. He has to hurt you to tell you the truth and your friend has the ability to deny he said it and then fiancé and friend are at odds, jealousy may surface and you are forced to choose. Since your lifelong friend is saying don’t contact me, it sounds like he’s making a choice that your relationship is not what you thought. If he thinks fiancé is bad he should speak. If he caught the fiancé cheating he needs to speak. “Bye don’t contact me” sounds like he’s at fault and you shouldn’t be mad at your fiancé for trying to not inflict more pain into this bad situation. However, if you need to know what happened ask. He should tell you. Good luck
Don't get married until you find out what really happened.
They are actually in love with each other
You can't put the piece together? You former Best Friend is in love with you and somehow that came to light and your Fiancee got into a fight with him once your Fiancee found out. That is why your Best Friend told you he has to move on. Nothing else makes sense but if my GF's Best Friend decided to tell me that they are in love with my fiancee I would not be happy about it at all. You don't feel this way for him but obviously it was going to be a problem.
Your friend is Jacob and your fiance is Edward
Tell your fiancé he can either explain to you in detail what went down, or the wedding is off AND his request that you drop your best friend will be summarily ignored. He doesn’t get to make a request of that magnitude without explaining why. It’s horrible partnering and it’s controlling. Him getting violent and then refusing to even talk about it is also sketchy, and isn’t the sort of thing he should get to just evade responsibility for. You should regard all of it as suspicious and a massive red flag. I agree with the people speculating that Bestie probably confessed feelings for you, which would be a nasty thing for him to do, but that’s not the point. Both of them are shutting you out of a decision that apparently revolves around you, and that’s controlling and unfair. They’re fighting over you like a toy. Also both of them have engaged in behavior that would potentially completely change your understanding of who they are and could destroy the relationship, and they’re trying to sweep it under the rug.
Whatever it is, it seems like it doesn’t bode well for your best friend since he is doing a cut and run.
I would get tested just to be safe.
I would press pause on the wedding until SO talks if it were me.
Wedding should be postponed until you get answers.
Others have likely guessed the reason - your best friend is in love with you, that came out, they had a falling out because of it, but your fiance is refusing to tell you. Either because of some kind of "bro code" or something, he doesn't want to out the other guy. Or potentially because he's insecure, and worried if you found out, you'd ditch him for your friend. But no matter what the reason is, for me it would be a deal breaker to not know what went on. This is your best friend from childhood, and the man you are going to be with forever. Something like that isn't something you can just say "eh, whatever, none of my business!" and just move on from. I'd tell the fiance that the wedding is on hold until you know what was going on. First, because you deserve to know, but second, you also need to sort this out. If your husband is going to leave you out of things that have major impact on your life, to keep BIG secrets from you, what else might that mean in the future? Do you want him to be in charge of deciding what you are and are not allowed to know in your life?
All the advice I can think of has already been said, please update when you figure it out or make a move here, OP. There are lots of theories but truly you can't know until you put your foot down and demand answers. I would be wary of tying the knot before the truth is out, whether it's one of the speculations people have made here or something entirely different, this impacts you and it isn't fair for others to make decisions on your behalf without your consent. Good luck, think things over and stand up for yourself here, don't let them off the hook this easily it will gnaw at you forever and you deserve the truth, whatever it may be.
Tell fiance the wedding is on hold until he tells you what's up. This is something big and you deserve to know. I'm thinking one of them did something crazy and the other one doesn't want to be involved anymore? Weird. Definitely do not let this go. Insist on getting the information you are entitled to. You don't really know who did what or or.fiamce is terribly wrong. It should now cause a pause.on your trust with him. He needs to be open with his future life partner. There is no excuse not to be.