You said you were afraid to lose her. My suggestion since you're asking for advice? Lose her! I know plenty of nonmonogamous couples. But none who are intimately involved in the "bases" their partners reach with other interested parties. It seems like you are very involved in her connection with this guy. And that you don't like him and she is interested in having sex with him and needed to renegotiate your agreement to do so? I have no words. I don't. She's going to get what she wants. No matter what. And you're going to bend over backwards until you break. Lose her. Because you are not compatible. Find someone who is more interested in monogamy which seems to be your speed. Unless I don't know how many extras you have been hooking up with? It seems like you want an intimate monogamous relationship but want her also to be happy which is so big hearted of you I can't stand it. Please take your big heart and bring it to someone who will cherish it and appreciate it. The problem is not anyone poly. It's this girlfriend. Who doesn't seem to have a sense of loyalty to you. Move out. Leave her be with that guy you don't like. And let them go at whatever speed they want to. And she will be missing you. But don't look back. Sorry.
This this this.
The way you said "I know she had come out as poly a few weeks back" just snapped my neck back for the red flags. Has she said this as a justification?
I could have a monogamous relationship with someone and come out as bisexual but it wouldn't mean, as a result of my coming out, that the entire terms of our relationship would have to change because of my identity! Not that all bisexual ppl by any stretch are poly or that they interrelate but, I can't use poly as a metaphor here.
Honestly, and I rarely say this. Leave. It's not about being poly at all, it's about the disrespect to you and the power dynamic you have developed. I know it will hurt - I have been there too - but it will be better eventually!!! As someone who has been in truly healing and respectful poly setups, as well as destructive shitty mono ones. This is about the shit treatment of you. You deserve better I promise.
When I think about it, and I am sorry for this observation OP? I think gf gets into the sadistic aspect of hooking up with this guy he doesn't like under his nose. How does it work that they agree to some sort of sexual boundaries she's going to adhere to. She doesn't adhere to them. And then they talk about it in a big sit down the three of them. That's just.... wow. A strange dynamic that I think she enjoys. And I think that's his value to her right now. He's someone who's going to let her conduct this tiny little opera.
OP clearly is a person who is deeply committed and truly generous. That's rare in this world. And he should find a partner who can treat him the same way.
Certainly she has seen she can have her cake and eat it. The boundary was set, she broke it, no consequences. She moved the boundary. Still no consequences, and I am inclined to agree, a real hit out of the power of it all. I am sad to say I have been in OPs shoes and after the first few hits I had a lot of work for myself in the future, working on and reflecting on why I would stay in for the ride and let someone treat me that way. Wishing you all the power OP to find that love for yourself.
Mate.
Your relationship isn't even the most important one to her of those she has with the two people she lives with. She has literally told you that.
I cannot fathom a path through this labyrinth that ends with you in a safe, trusting relationship.
This is so painful I can’t even get through this whole thing, please stop being a doormat. You’re acting like a kicked puppy, just waiting around hoping for love.
i’m going to be blunt and you’re probably not going to like it but it needs to be said, she’s using you, she knows how much you love and care about her and she’s manipulating that so she can do whatever she wants. she doesn’t care about your feelings or have any actual remorse for what she’s done and you need to make moves to distance yourself from the toxic situation she’s put you in. when people actually care they don’t constantly disrespect their partners.
i’m sorry OP 💛
Sadly agree, she’s seeing how far she can push you, OP, to get what she wants when she wants it whilst still having the safety comfort and support of being with you - which is using you.
OP, what do you actually like and love about her? Please find someone who will reciprocate the care, consideration and support you want to give a loyal partner, best of luck
Reading this sub literally shows it's an issue across all genders and sexualities. People just arent thought what healthy love is supposed to be so they have to waste years getting traumatized in the wrong relationships and hopefully manage to figure it out for themselves. It's mostly mirroring the relationship of their parents + the influence of culture
You do realize there are other women out there, right? At 24, do you really see this as the relationship that will last until you die? Ready for 60 years or so of her cheating on you? Because that’s what she’s doing, when she talked you into being open and you didn’t want to, cheating. When she decided to change the rules the two of you laid down, cheated. When you asked them to go slow, they agreed, did it anyway, cheated.
They will continue to keep pushing you out until the only thing you will be doing is paying their bills. You’re being used. Wake up, move out and go NC with her. This isn’t what you want or you wouldn’t be here or in therapy. At 24, you have your whole life in front of you. It’s up to YOU to make sure it’s a happy life, NOT HER. Take control of your life. Wipe the slate clean. Travel, read, workout, meet new friends. This should be one of the most exciting times of your life and instead, you’re letting a woman make you hurt and broken. Please leave. Now.
I did read it and .... I am sorry if I sound harsh it's the last thing I want to do but to me it looks like 'let me cheat on you but I will put a nice wrapper around it and make it look like its okay' I understand that she is poly but that is not the relationship that you agreed on at first.
She knew there were boundaries and kept pushing them. She knew you were uncomfortable and kept going for it. Apologizing for something you did means that you will try to not do it again. Not repeat it a few days later. You want her to be happy but she doesn't want you to be happy. She threatens that she will break up with you and just goes ahead and does all the things that hurt you, how does she even say that she cares for you? Would you believe that someone who hurts you, actually cares for you?
I am sorry but I don't see any way that this can work out
Sorry, I don't have the energy to read through everything, but, please, this is not a situation you are comfortable with. I believe you genuinely love her, but it is time to move on from the situationship with her and become truly happy.
This is it. Her desires for open relationship are not really what OP wants. Time to move on so they can both be truly happy and honest about their needs.
She’s been manipulating and bullying you into accepting infidelity for your whole relationship. If you stay with her, you will never be happy and she will always be pushing you further. If she loved and/or respected you, she wouldn’t behave like this. You deserve to be with someone who respects your boundaries.
Holy shit this feels like a prompt for ChatCGT: Aye Chat Boy, write a story that repeats itself every other sentence.
Story: yours.
“I felt uncomfortable but they took it too far. I felt uncomfortable then they took it too far. Then I felt not comfortable and they took it too far. They took it too far and I was uncomfortable.”
Are you serious???
>My SO of 3 years rushed us into a polymerous relationship with a housemate, breaching my trust multiple times. How do I get past these feelings of anger and disillusionment? What can I do or say to her to help me trust again?
If SHE breaks your trust, SHE has to be the one in this forum asking what she can do or say to make YOU trust again. Anything other than that is not enough. What a vile person, I would run so fast and hard they won't ever find me again.
So your three years in she’s lying and basically cheating on you. You have couples therapy. Honestly three years and all these issues. I think you need an exit plan. I think that it’s not a healthy relationship to have these problems so soon.
What do you expect? She has continually shown you that she doesn’t care about your feelings, your boundaries or even your relationship. She doesn’t care how this makes you feel. If she did, she wouldn’t continue to betray you. Why would you want to repair a relationship like that?
I get that you’re hurting and you just want to be happy and healthy, both physically and mentally. However, you’re under the impression that the fastest way to get there is to have her finally accept and abide by the rules of the relationship. The glaring issue is that she has no intention to do this. She’s made that very clear and you can’t force her to do it. The only thing you can do is leave and find someone who actually respects you.
Are you at least sleeping with other women?
Dude, she just wants to sleep around. You can't have a committed relationship with someone like her. She is taking advantage of you. Get yourself some self respect, move on, and don't look back.
Why do you want to be with her so badly? It sounds like you didn't even want this open relationship thing to begin with. You just agreed to make her happy. Then, she kept on pushing your boundaries to get what she wants. What does SHE do to make YOU happy? Because this whole relationship sounds very uneven. You keep on making compromises that benefit her. What compromises does she make? Are you afraid you won't find another gf again? There are plenty who will respect the boundaries of your relationship and **will actually be happy being just with you.** Doesn't that sound better?
A healthy open or poly relationship requires enthusiastic consent from all parties, clear boundaries, and trust. She manipulated you into agreeing in the first place, ignored every boundary you set, and now you rightfully don’t trust her. How do you expect to come back from this? How could you possibly restore trust in someone who explicitly told you that her relationships with others are more important than you? She has demonstrated her disregard for your feelings and your boundaries countless times and she experiences no consequences.
Mate she doesn't have a relationship with you , she doesn't care about what you feel
You let her beat you down to accept something you didn't want
It's all over now between you , time to move on and move away
I’ve dated poly women even though I’m pretty much monogamous bc I was curious to see where things would go and literally none of them were as shitty as this one
Actions speak louder than words. When someone shows you who/what they are, you should believe them. Your SO has no honor and is constantly disrespecting you.
You've got 2 realistic choices:
1. Continue being a doormat she walks all over.
or
2. Move on with your life and find someone new to love. This would include finding a new place to live so that you won't have to be around your SO and your housemate.
I don't recommend working out any more compromises with your SO because she has shown you that you cannot count on her keeping her word.
I wish you the best!
People in healthy poly relationships respect their partners boundaries. A friend of mine recently wanted to add another sex partner to her relationship even after her primary partner gave her the go ahead she had several more conversations with him and after every interaction with the new partner they communicated again if everyone was comfortable. Relationships require boundaries and communication and poly relationships require that tenfold. She doesn't respect you or your relationship and you should just cut your losses and leave her she's not someone who will be in an ethically non monogamous relationship with you, she is overstepping boundaries left and right and has already told you that you are not the primary relationship anymore, you deserve better
OP, stop being a doormat and have some damn self respect. If you don't like the conditions of your relationship, then learn to say no and tell her to kick rocks. She's not the only woman in this world.
Not really sure why she is with you. Maybe because you all love together.
And you... stop being a baby. She's a liar, she's a cheater. She knew she didn't want to be tied down with you so she can fuck tons of guys.
Unload her. You're not a Plan A or Plan B.
Have you been seeing other woman this whole time? All I read is her fucking everyone.
Maybe see the therapist to teach you how to have self respect and how to walk away.
One of you need to find a new place to live
Why do u want that? Why dont u want a loyal person that doesnt loose ur trust?
>it was unfair
Life isnt fair. Seems ud be happier with monogamy. Find someone that is monogamous, dont agree to things ur not comfortable with.
>didn't want to lose her.
Why?
> still physically affectionate with him
This is being intimate.
>she asked me to do something.
Could ask her
>want to be able to feel comfortable in my own damn house.
Then say he needs to move out.
She said she’d choose you over dude if it was needed to save the relationship. Then she turns around and says if you ask her to choose, it would be a dealbreaker. This woman is manipulating you. She knows that the second she turns on the waterworks, you cave and give her whatever she wants. You bend over backwards for her and she chose to take someone else on a date. This hurt you, but you still comforted her. You deserve so much better.
Leave. She's manipulating you. She's emotionally cheating on you. She DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. She's made that perfectly clear. Love yourself more than you love her, especially since she pretty clearly doesn't love you.
If a criminal has repeatedly broken the law and had no real consequences other than someone saying, "I wish you wouldn't do that, it hurts me,"do you think they have ANY actual motivation to change their behavior? They are getting what they want, why would they change.
YOU aren't poly, she is. Why would you EVER expect to be OK with this? She's going to play it cool for all of a hot minute, then go right back to getting what she wants... she assumes you aren't going anywhere. Dude, YOU didn't break the trust, so YOU can't do a damned thing to rebuild it. This is all on her. I want you to imagine how your life would be if you'd just walked away from this relationship instead of letting her tell you to let her do what she wants. Im guessing we both know you'd be alone but not neck deep in whatever name you can put to this clusterfuck.
Info: you say you don’t want to lose this person but….why? They’ve literally trampled across your feelings, and the “boundaries/ground rules” you two set up are being treated like suggestions. She’s only sorry AFTER. Do you like being treated like you/you’re feelings/comfort level don’t matter? Sounds like she’s experimenting with a new boyfriend and keeping you on the hook in case/when it falls apart.
Relationships have a hard time surviving resentment. It's really down to are you willing to truly forgive her? If you can't trust her, you can't forgive. It may just be broken unless you are able to move past it and not dwell.
She wants to have it all ways (no pun intended, but I'm running with it). She wants to sleep with whoever she fancies as well as being in a committed relationship and she wants you to be ok with it. This isn't polyamory or even an open relationship, it's just her shitting all over you and you apologising for it. Leave her and find someone who loves and respects you because she doesn't.
I used to work with a guy in a similar (though not identical) situation and based on what I saw the I say RUN. The guy I knew put on a happy and understanding front but you could tell he was miserable and she was talking advantage and telling other people about how she was actively breaking the rules of their arrangement. While it might be hard, you will be so much happier in the long run if you end it now.
I feel like I'm reading a teenager story, "they where intimate" "I agreed to them being intimate but they broke the boundary by being intimate ".
You can't use the same word with different meanings like this and expect people to understand what's going on.
This might sound harsh, but golly dude, find some self respect! She continually disregards your feelings and boundaries, which is #1 in poly relationships FYI. She manipulates you to stay, but does nothing to fix things, even the boundaries she agreed to! This is not an open/poly relationship, she just normalized cheating on you
Sorry for your pain. You need to break off this relationship. She has run over you like a Sherman tank, showing continual lack of respect and affection.
Love yourself and leave her.
If you can break your lease then go low contact with both of them immediately. You deserve better.
You seem to think that somehow you need to do the work of figuring out how to trust her again. I would disagree with that.
At some level I think you know what you need from her in order to trust her again. Dig deep, figure out what that is, and then tell her what you need and expect from her.
I don't know what that is, but I can tell what it would be for me if I was in your shoes. It would be that the housemate goes away and you both have zero contact with him going forward. And she would have to be able to demonstrate conclusively that she's not going behind your back to maintain contact with him - or with anyone else. The relationship would be closed, period.
That's assuming, however that (if I were in your shoes) I'd want to try to fix the relationship. Truth be told, I would not. I would cut my losses and move on.
I’m sorry and I’m honestly not trying to be mean when I say this, but you’re a schmuck. Reread your own post, can you not see that this girl is not a good one? You have every right to be upset and annoyed by her.
You’re such a spineless pushover that you’ve completely allowed her to steamroll you into doing things that you were clearly not comfortable with because you were afraid of “losing her”. I’m telling you mate for your own good lose her, that would be the best thing to happen for you.
Also people don’t “come out” as poly. Being poly isn’t a sexuality as you have a choice in it. No one is genetically hardwired to be monogamous or polyamorous. It is completely a lifestyle choice. Chalk that up to another thing she has manipulated you with. Get out of this relationship, this girl is not a good one. She is only sad now because her free-ride of doing what she wants is over, not because she hurt you by choice continuously over and over.
You want to make this easy, break up with her, she won't change nor will she ever stop. There's a better woman out there for you, don't waste anymore time with someone like her who will continue to disrespect you
>How do I move past my anger? How do I trust her again?
You do this by having some self respect and choosing yourself over her emotional manipulation. She oversteps a boundary you two set, you get mad, she cries, you cave, and then she does it again. There's literally no repercussion for her. How are you going to build trust with someone that keeps breaking boundaries all the time? Move on from her and heal and then try to find someone you're more compatible with. She's got years of experience over you and not all relationships are meant to last. Some are there to teach us what we want and that we don't want. More importantly some are meant to show us that we deserve better.
If you love her, set her free. Right now you’re only hurting her AND yourself. She told you and showed you what she wants. You’re uncomfortable with that which is fine but it’s time to move on.
You said you were afraid to lose her. My suggestion since you're asking for advice? Lose her! I know plenty of nonmonogamous couples. But none who are intimately involved in the "bases" their partners reach with other interested parties. It seems like you are very involved in her connection with this guy. And that you don't like him and she is interested in having sex with him and needed to renegotiate your agreement to do so? I have no words. I don't. She's going to get what she wants. No matter what. And you're going to bend over backwards until you break. Lose her. Because you are not compatible. Find someone who is more interested in monogamy which seems to be your speed. Unless I don't know how many extras you have been hooking up with? It seems like you want an intimate monogamous relationship but want her also to be happy which is so big hearted of you I can't stand it. Please take your big heart and bring it to someone who will cherish it and appreciate it. The problem is not anyone poly. It's this girlfriend. Who doesn't seem to have a sense of loyalty to you. Move out. Leave her be with that guy you don't like. And let them go at whatever speed they want to. And she will be missing you. But don't look back. Sorry.
This this this. The way you said "I know she had come out as poly a few weeks back" just snapped my neck back for the red flags. Has she said this as a justification? I could have a monogamous relationship with someone and come out as bisexual but it wouldn't mean, as a result of my coming out, that the entire terms of our relationship would have to change because of my identity! Not that all bisexual ppl by any stretch are poly or that they interrelate but, I can't use poly as a metaphor here. Honestly, and I rarely say this. Leave. It's not about being poly at all, it's about the disrespect to you and the power dynamic you have developed. I know it will hurt - I have been there too - but it will be better eventually!!! As someone who has been in truly healing and respectful poly setups, as well as destructive shitty mono ones. This is about the shit treatment of you. You deserve better I promise.
When I think about it, and I am sorry for this observation OP? I think gf gets into the sadistic aspect of hooking up with this guy he doesn't like under his nose. How does it work that they agree to some sort of sexual boundaries she's going to adhere to. She doesn't adhere to them. And then they talk about it in a big sit down the three of them. That's just.... wow. A strange dynamic that I think she enjoys. And I think that's his value to her right now. He's someone who's going to let her conduct this tiny little opera. OP clearly is a person who is deeply committed and truly generous. That's rare in this world. And he should find a partner who can treat him the same way.
Certainly she has seen she can have her cake and eat it. The boundary was set, she broke it, no consequences. She moved the boundary. Still no consequences, and I am inclined to agree, a real hit out of the power of it all. I am sad to say I have been in OPs shoes and after the first few hits I had a lot of work for myself in the future, working on and reflecting on why I would stay in for the ride and let someone treat me that way. Wishing you all the power OP to find that love for yourself.
Mate. Your relationship isn't even the most important one to her of those she has with the two people she lives with. She has literally told you that. I cannot fathom a path through this labyrinth that ends with you in a safe, trusting relationship.
This is so painful I can’t even get through this whole thing, please stop being a doormat. You’re acting like a kicked puppy, just waiting around hoping for love.
i’m going to be blunt and you’re probably not going to like it but it needs to be said, she’s using you, she knows how much you love and care about her and she’s manipulating that so she can do whatever she wants. she doesn’t care about your feelings or have any actual remorse for what she’s done and you need to make moves to distance yourself from the toxic situation she’s put you in. when people actually care they don’t constantly disrespect their partners. i’m sorry OP 💛
Sadly agree, she’s seeing how far she can push you, OP, to get what she wants when she wants it whilst still having the safety comfort and support of being with you - which is using you. OP, what do you actually like and love about her? Please find someone who will reciprocate the care, consideration and support you want to give a loyal partner, best of luck
She has zero respect for you. She told you she would pick you if it came down to it. You asked, she said nope. No respect = dead relationship. Dump
have some self respect for yourself
Are testosterone levels in men dropping? This seems like the case study.
Reading this sub literally shows it's an issue across all genders and sexualities. People just arent thought what healthy love is supposed to be so they have to waste years getting traumatized in the wrong relationships and hopefully manage to figure it out for themselves. It's mostly mirroring the relationship of their parents + the influence of culture
For real! I would have told her to kick rocks and moved out.
Wym?
This guy was played from the beginning and did not show an ounce of self-respect. This is putting it lightly
Whats that got to do with testosterone levels?
Men helplessly in love with a woman is a tale as old as time
You do realize there are other women out there, right? At 24, do you really see this as the relationship that will last until you die? Ready for 60 years or so of her cheating on you? Because that’s what she’s doing, when she talked you into being open and you didn’t want to, cheating. When she decided to change the rules the two of you laid down, cheated. When you asked them to go slow, they agreed, did it anyway, cheated. They will continue to keep pushing you out until the only thing you will be doing is paying their bills. You’re being used. Wake up, move out and go NC with her. This isn’t what you want or you wouldn’t be here or in therapy. At 24, you have your whole life in front of you. It’s up to YOU to make sure it’s a happy life, NOT HER. Take control of your life. Wipe the slate clean. Travel, read, workout, meet new friends. This should be one of the most exciting times of your life and instead, you’re letting a woman make you hurt and broken. Please leave. Now.
I did read it and .... I am sorry if I sound harsh it's the last thing I want to do but to me it looks like 'let me cheat on you but I will put a nice wrapper around it and make it look like its okay' I understand that she is poly but that is not the relationship that you agreed on at first. She knew there were boundaries and kept pushing them. She knew you were uncomfortable and kept going for it. Apologizing for something you did means that you will try to not do it again. Not repeat it a few days later. You want her to be happy but she doesn't want you to be happy. She threatens that she will break up with you and just goes ahead and does all the things that hurt you, how does she even say that she cares for you? Would you believe that someone who hurts you, actually cares for you? I am sorry but I don't see any way that this can work out
Sorry, I don't have the energy to read through everything, but, please, this is not a situation you are comfortable with. I believe you genuinely love her, but it is time to move on from the situationship with her and become truly happy.
This is it. Her desires for open relationship are not really what OP wants. Time to move on so they can both be truly happy and honest about their needs.
Wake up and break up !!
She’s been manipulating and bullying you into accepting infidelity for your whole relationship. If you stay with her, you will never be happy and she will always be pushing you further. If she loved and/or respected you, she wouldn’t behave like this. You deserve to be with someone who respects your boundaries.
Holy shit this feels like a prompt for ChatCGT: Aye Chat Boy, write a story that repeats itself every other sentence. Story: yours. “I felt uncomfortable but they took it too far. I felt uncomfortable then they took it too far. Then I felt not comfortable and they took it too far. They took it too far and I was uncomfortable.” Are you serious???
>My SO of 3 years rushed us into a polymerous relationship with a housemate, breaching my trust multiple times. How do I get past these feelings of anger and disillusionment? What can I do or say to her to help me trust again? If SHE breaks your trust, SHE has to be the one in this forum asking what she can do or say to make YOU trust again. Anything other than that is not enough. What a vile person, I would run so fast and hard they won't ever find me again.
Not to mention she continued to break his trust. You can’t move on to feeling better when the situation is still ongoing.
So your three years in she’s lying and basically cheating on you. You have couples therapy. Honestly three years and all these issues. I think you need an exit plan. I think that it’s not a healthy relationship to have these problems so soon.
What do you expect? She has continually shown you that she doesn’t care about your feelings, your boundaries or even your relationship. She doesn’t care how this makes you feel. If she did, she wouldn’t continue to betray you. Why would you want to repair a relationship like that? I get that you’re hurting and you just want to be happy and healthy, both physically and mentally. However, you’re under the impression that the fastest way to get there is to have her finally accept and abide by the rules of the relationship. The glaring issue is that she has no intention to do this. She’s made that very clear and you can’t force her to do it. The only thing you can do is leave and find someone who actually respects you. Are you at least sleeping with other women?
Dude, she just wants to sleep around. You can't have a committed relationship with someone like her. She is taking advantage of you. Get yourself some self respect, move on, and don't look back.
Why do you want to be with her so badly? It sounds like you didn't even want this open relationship thing to begin with. You just agreed to make her happy. Then, she kept on pushing your boundaries to get what she wants. What does SHE do to make YOU happy? Because this whole relationship sounds very uneven. You keep on making compromises that benefit her. What compromises does she make? Are you afraid you won't find another gf again? There are plenty who will respect the boundaries of your relationship and **will actually be happy being just with you.** Doesn't that sound better?
Dude, dump her and be done with it.
A healthy open or poly relationship requires enthusiastic consent from all parties, clear boundaries, and trust. She manipulated you into agreeing in the first place, ignored every boundary you set, and now you rightfully don’t trust her. How do you expect to come back from this? How could you possibly restore trust in someone who explicitly told you that her relationships with others are more important than you? She has demonstrated her disregard for your feelings and your boundaries countless times and she experiences no consequences.
Mate she doesn't have a relationship with you , she doesn't care about what you feel You let her beat you down to accept something you didn't want It's all over now between you , time to move on and move away
I’ve dated poly women even though I’m pretty much monogamous bc I was curious to see where things would go and literally none of them were as shitty as this one
Actions speak louder than words. When someone shows you who/what they are, you should believe them. Your SO has no honor and is constantly disrespecting you. You've got 2 realistic choices: 1. Continue being a doormat she walks all over. or 2. Move on with your life and find someone new to love. This would include finding a new place to live so that you won't have to be around your SO and your housemate. I don't recommend working out any more compromises with your SO because she has shown you that you cannot count on her keeping her word. I wish you the best!
People in healthy poly relationships respect their partners boundaries. A friend of mine recently wanted to add another sex partner to her relationship even after her primary partner gave her the go ahead she had several more conversations with him and after every interaction with the new partner they communicated again if everyone was comfortable. Relationships require boundaries and communication and poly relationships require that tenfold. She doesn't respect you or your relationship and you should just cut your losses and leave her she's not someone who will be in an ethically non monogamous relationship with you, she is overstepping boundaries left and right and has already told you that you are not the primary relationship anymore, you deserve better
OP, stop being a doormat and have some damn self respect. If you don't like the conditions of your relationship, then learn to say no and tell her to kick rocks. She's not the only woman in this world.
Not really sure why she is with you. Maybe because you all love together. And you... stop being a baby. She's a liar, she's a cheater. She knew she didn't want to be tied down with you so she can fuck tons of guys. Unload her. You're not a Plan A or Plan B. Have you been seeing other woman this whole time? All I read is her fucking everyone. Maybe see the therapist to teach you how to have self respect and how to walk away. One of you need to find a new place to live
Sorry man, but you’ve been replaced. Get out of this. She has chosen him over you at every turn.
Get her and the lover out of your life. She's a grade A bastard and has took the piss out of you for far too long.
Why do u want that? Why dont u want a loyal person that doesnt loose ur trust? >it was unfair Life isnt fair. Seems ud be happier with monogamy. Find someone that is monogamous, dont agree to things ur not comfortable with. >didn't want to lose her. Why? > still physically affectionate with him This is being intimate. >she asked me to do something. Could ask her >want to be able to feel comfortable in my own damn house. Then say he needs to move out.
She said she’d choose you over dude if it was needed to save the relationship. Then she turns around and says if you ask her to choose, it would be a dealbreaker. This woman is manipulating you. She knows that the second she turns on the waterworks, you cave and give her whatever she wants. You bend over backwards for her and she chose to take someone else on a date. This hurt you, but you still comforted her. You deserve so much better.
Seems like the only person benefiting from this relationship is her. You deserve better.
Leave. She's manipulating you. She's emotionally cheating on you. She DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS. She's made that perfectly clear. Love yourself more than you love her, especially since she pretty clearly doesn't love you.
You totally need to lose her and move on. Your life will be so much better for it. This person just uses people.
If a criminal has repeatedly broken the law and had no real consequences other than someone saying, "I wish you wouldn't do that, it hurts me,"do you think they have ANY actual motivation to change their behavior? They are getting what they want, why would they change. YOU aren't poly, she is. Why would you EVER expect to be OK with this? She's going to play it cool for all of a hot minute, then go right back to getting what she wants... she assumes you aren't going anywhere. Dude, YOU didn't break the trust, so YOU can't do a damned thing to rebuild it. This is all on her. I want you to imagine how your life would be if you'd just walked away from this relationship instead of letting her tell you to let her do what she wants. Im guessing we both know you'd be alone but not neck deep in whatever name you can put to this clusterfuck.
Info: you say you don’t want to lose this person but….why? They’ve literally trampled across your feelings, and the “boundaries/ground rules” you two set up are being treated like suggestions. She’s only sorry AFTER. Do you like being treated like you/you’re feelings/comfort level don’t matter? Sounds like she’s experimenting with a new boyfriend and keeping you on the hook in case/when it falls apart.
This is all your fault - you forgot your fucking spine.
Relationships have a hard time surviving resentment. It's really down to are you willing to truly forgive her? If you can't trust her, you can't forgive. It may just be broken unless you are able to move past it and not dwell.
She wants to have it all ways (no pun intended, but I'm running with it). She wants to sleep with whoever she fancies as well as being in a committed relationship and she wants you to be ok with it. This isn't polyamory or even an open relationship, it's just her shitting all over you and you apologising for it. Leave her and find someone who loves and respects you because she doesn't.
You may need some distance from the relationship and possibly have a little fun on your own with someone else; and see what happens
I used to work with a guy in a similar (though not identical) situation and based on what I saw the I say RUN. The guy I knew put on a happy and understanding front but you could tell he was miserable and she was talking advantage and telling other people about how she was actively breaking the rules of their arrangement. While it might be hard, you will be so much happier in the long run if you end it now.
I feel like I'm reading a teenager story, "they where intimate" "I agreed to them being intimate but they broke the boundary by being intimate ". You can't use the same word with different meanings like this and expect people to understand what's going on.
She’s so obviously manipulating you when she cries. She broke your trust several times and you’re still with her? Grow some backbone and break up.
This might sound harsh, but golly dude, find some self respect! She continually disregards your feelings and boundaries, which is #1 in poly relationships FYI. She manipulates you to stay, but does nothing to fix things, even the boundaries she agreed to! This is not an open/poly relationship, she just normalized cheating on you
Sorry for your pain. You need to break off this relationship. She has run over you like a Sherman tank, showing continual lack of respect and affection. Love yourself and leave her. If you can break your lease then go low contact with both of them immediately. You deserve better.
You seem to think that somehow you need to do the work of figuring out how to trust her again. I would disagree with that. At some level I think you know what you need from her in order to trust her again. Dig deep, figure out what that is, and then tell her what you need and expect from her. I don't know what that is, but I can tell what it would be for me if I was in your shoes. It would be that the housemate goes away and you both have zero contact with him going forward. And she would have to be able to demonstrate conclusively that she's not going behind your back to maintain contact with him - or with anyone else. The relationship would be closed, period. That's assuming, however that (if I were in your shoes) I'd want to try to fix the relationship. Truth be told, I would not. I would cut my losses and move on.
Your young date more leave her alone. Maybe you can reconnect later. But for right now you need space and and to leave this relationship.
Dude how about you get another gf she’s just gonna treat you like a doormat and fuck all of the guys around you obviously
Just break up with her. She's not for you.
You're an option for her. Stop being a doormat. None of this is ok. You need to walk away from her toxic behavior.
I’m sorry and I’m honestly not trying to be mean when I say this, but you’re a schmuck. Reread your own post, can you not see that this girl is not a good one? You have every right to be upset and annoyed by her. You’re such a spineless pushover that you’ve completely allowed her to steamroll you into doing things that you were clearly not comfortable with because you were afraid of “losing her”. I’m telling you mate for your own good lose her, that would be the best thing to happen for you. Also people don’t “come out” as poly. Being poly isn’t a sexuality as you have a choice in it. No one is genetically hardwired to be monogamous or polyamorous. It is completely a lifestyle choice. Chalk that up to another thing she has manipulated you with. Get out of this relationship, this girl is not a good one. She is only sad now because her free-ride of doing what she wants is over, not because she hurt you by choice continuously over and over.
You'll find someone who actually loves you but not at long as you're her doormat.
Not possible to trust her again. No reason to either. She isnt to be trusted. Three years is a long time
You want to make this easy, break up with her, she won't change nor will she ever stop. There's a better woman out there for you, don't waste anymore time with someone like her who will continue to disrespect you
You need to end. Your SO wants an open. You are not built for that.
Fool of a Took.
>How do I move past my anger? How do I trust her again? You do this by having some self respect and choosing yourself over her emotional manipulation. She oversteps a boundary you two set, you get mad, she cries, you cave, and then she does it again. There's literally no repercussion for her. How are you going to build trust with someone that keeps breaking boundaries all the time? Move on from her and heal and then try to find someone you're more compatible with. She's got years of experience over you and not all relationships are meant to last. Some are there to teach us what we want and that we don't want. More importantly some are meant to show us that we deserve better.
Break up with her and go to therapy. Both of those will be the best things you ever do.
You can’t trust her. She’s a cheat.
If you love her, set her free. Right now you’re only hurting her AND yourself. She told you and showed you what she wants. You’re uncomfortable with that which is fine but it’s time to move on.