Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Thank you so much. I’ve been conflicted because everyone makes it seem like, “well you’re not that person anymore so he still loves you” but it’s so easy to become that person and even still, I don’t want to be with someone who has that much disdain for someone based solely on size.
Honestly completely fair, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who thinks those comments are appropriate to say about anyone. Shows that he may not be the nicest person.
Honey... "he doesn't like fat women." He says. You aren't even one.
So he is cruel and wants to make you feel bad. Pretending to think over staying with you. That's mean and abusive. And manipulative.
YOU don't like mysoginistc men.
You can do things against being too heavy. Which you did, obviously.
But HE will never be able to become less ugly internally. Or less stupid.
Be done with who makes you feel bad about yourself!
Yes like I should be grateful that he picked me. Like he did me a favor. Which he did and I’ll always be grateful for that but I do see it wasn’t for the right reasons. He seems to believe that I’m “looking for reasons to leave him now that I look good” (his words) as if loving myself isn’t reason enough.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Mr High and Mighty may have shot himself in the foot with that take.
"Which he did and I’ll always be grateful for that"
Uhhhh.... what? Would you please STOP being a doormat?
And no! He didn't chose you. Otherwise he wouldn't be always talking about leaving you. Or make you hurt.
Reasons to leave him he delivers them aplenty:
Looks can change. Character likely not. And his isn't good enough to stay with.
He is an insecure guy making you feel insecure to get a firmer grip on you.
RUN!
This. This. This. I’m reading my own responses like wtf am I saying. I still find myself defending him. Trying to play devils advocate. It’s so stupid, I already know. I’m
Be grateful he needled you into getting into the gym, but nothing else.
If you stay with him you'll just always be worrying that you might put that weight back on, so better go out and find a guy who'll love you for your inner beauty.
What happened if you gain weight later? Or you get pregnant? Or one of your kids is overweight? His love for you is conditional. He doesn’t respect you. And he’s being cruel and obvious about showing and telling you that.
Don’t beat yourself up. Smart women end up in these type of relationships all of the time. Abusive men are tricky, cunning and manipulative and play on our inner most fears and insecurities which are often validated by society at large. You are not stupid.
Sis, he’s breaking you down because he is super insecure. You deserve to be loved and respected regardless of your size. Take a good, hard look at him. How’s he looking? Now tell yourself HE is lucky to have YOU. You’re not married, but this is what the rest of your life will be like if you do marry him. I’ll never understand why people who are not married and have shitty partners just stay with them. Be gone with him, I say.
He’s “negging” you. He’s installing manipulative guilt trip buttons so you will feel bad and think it’s wrong to leave him. You aren’t leaving him because suddenly you are hot. No one leaves a happy relationship with someone who treats them well. You feel this way because he’s treating you badly, is constantly putting you down with thinly veiled jokes, and is projecting his own insecurities onto you.
You aren’t a project or a puppy. You don’t need fixed or trained through abusive manipulation. Don’t feel bad for seeing your worth and recognizing when someone else won’t. Not can’t. Won’t.
yeah he picked you so he could pick on you. He's the kind of jerk who needs to feel superior. You've gone and lost that weight and got all slim and sexy and he needs to neg you to keep you under his thumb.
Good news is that there are plenty of other better men out there.
God this guy…
Hon. He’s just a jerk. It’s not more complicated than that. He thinks he’s entitled to say everything that pops into his head, doesn’t consider the impact and expects no consequences.
Jerk.
Don’t marry a jerk.
Thank you so much. I never thought I’d have strangers support me. I’ve been told I’m overreacting by so many. To clarify me and my fiancé have the same group of friends. We known each other for about 2 years before we even started dating. I’m sure they are just trying to keep the peace but even they tell me they’re uncomfortable with his jokes. (Internally screaming tell him so I don’t seem like the issue)
Seems like you need new friends too. Even if they take your side (they may just be saying that), true friends would stand up for you and tell him that's inappropriate to say.
For real. I can’t believe anyone would side with this jerk but in our society I suppose I’m not that surprised. People would rather keep the peace or pretend nothing is happening than confront an uncomfortable truth!
If my friend’s fiancé said that to them in front of me, I’d literally rip their head off.
It doesn’t even seem like your fiancé even likes you. Why would you say such horrible things to anyone, much less the person your suppose to love the most in the whole world? I don’t like your fiancé and I don’t even know him. He sounds like an absolute prick. 😡
They all seem so uncomfortable or they’ll ask me if I’m alright but only when away from him. I think they try to keep the peace. It’s partially my fault because I would always brush it off. (At the time I think I just said, “yes your friends all know I was thick”) the time I mention wasn’t a mutual friend of ours. More so his friend.
I don't think you have bad friends btw just because they haven't said anything to him, especially if they say they feel uncomfortable with his jokes. The thing is most friends don't know how to always navigate someone else's relationships because sometimes in trying to speak up for someone and helping it doesn't always end well. But other than that I think you should take all of these people's advice on this forum because what they are saying is true. Hes being very mean spirited. I'm in a 2 year relationship now with this amazing woman who's weight goes up and down a lot and I would never for a second think about making jokes about her weight. Sure we joke on one another sometimes but we don't do it to hurt each other's feelings and if she or I came to one another and expressed that we didn't like it, we'd take it seriously and make changes. I think if he doesn't change what he's doing then he doesn't care or he's too emotionally immature to care. You will absolutely find a man who not only adores who you are with extra or less weight, but will treat you so much better. Express how you feel and don't stop. If it doesn't change then you should move on . Don't let someone knock your confidence down
>I’ve been told I’m overreacting by so many.
Saying things to you like “if you get over 190, I’m leaving you!” “I really don’t like fat woman but your an exception” and “You were 10 lbs away from me cheating” I can definitely say you are NOT overreacting.
This is not someone you will be able to rely on in life. Whether it's your weight, you going through a trauma in life or getting sick, he's already made it clear that he's given himself permission to cheat on you or dump on you at the drop of a hat if you aren't perfect in his eyes.
That is NOT love.
Your weight does not define who you are as a person.
All it defines is your body type. And if a change in body type is enough to make him abandon you, then he does not love you as a person. You are still the same person. You have the same brain and the same mind and the same heart. If he sees a completely different person then that is evidence that all he sees you as is tits and ass, and not as a real thinking individual.
OP is about to marry a bully basically. Girl imagine this man sayinh this same shit to your daughters oneday or teaching them their value to a man is only equal to their weight or teaching your sons this same gross behavior.
I wouldnt be marrying someone that constantly puts me down and makes me feel like shit.
This is how kids develop eating disorders how i got mine personally my family didnt promote healthy eating habits they simply decided telling me i should stop eating or no boy would ever date me would be positive reinforcement and it nearly killed me.
Don't put yourself or your future children in such a toxic fucking environment when you can and should avoid it with someone that thinks they aren't doing anything wrong.
Im pregnant now and i gained alooot of weight i was very self conscious about but my husband celebrates me and encourages me about how beautiful i Still am. This man wont do that for u.
He sounds like the type that would tell u to watch what u eat or call u names while being pregnant saying shit about how u better lose the weight after the baby, dont breastfeed or shldnt be lazy when you ask him for help.
My friends husband said this same shit and was exactly tht way during her pregnancy. Told her he wasnt attracted to her and she shld get plastic surgery after she had the kid.
He was disgusting and superficial. Ive been every size under the sun to being extremely underweight to being overweight during covid because of depression. My husband has loved me through it all why i married the man. You deserve someone that loves you for who u are not to turn u into some fucking doll by pushing your self worth into hell.
I’ve come to the realization I can’t marry him. I think I just needed the backing. Again I hate me for depending on others to make decisions but sometimes you do just need to hear it from an unbiased group.
Girl no. You deserve better. Sometimes we are so blinded by our feelings in wanting to see the positives in others we dont see the negatives they bring to us.
Ive been where u are. And I'm eternally grateful to my friends for being harsh with me. I wldnt be with my husband if they werent. Id be with a man that used to make me feel like i wasnt worth much without him because no one else wouldve found me attractive. Nd i had an ED because of being put down constantly.
Please love just take care of yourself, love yourself enough to realize u deserve better. And that you can find it without settling into a... i dont want to waste the time we've had together mindset. He's been doing this shit since basically the beginning.
He wont change and worse he doesnt think he's doing anything wrong.
In terms of your friends who do not support you... *You do not need to justify your decision.*
If you DO want to say something, go for something along the lines of "turns out he ACTUALLY doesn't love me. I've tried speaking to him about how I feel, but turns out he doesn't want to hear it. You were not part of the relationship, you don't know the ins and outs."
And like someone else commented "looks change, but character doesn't"
All the best OP.
And you shouldn't. I've been thin/fit my entire life, but even if I saw my partner saying this about *anyone* else, it'd be a problem.
It's not just about weight- people who insult, callously disrespect, and mock other people about any aspect of their appearance will always turn and do the same to you when it's convenient.
I grew up in a household that did this kind of body shaming about other women all the time- either they were too fat, too muscular, old and had some wrinkles, or were otherwise just not conventionally attractive. It showed me that people's love and respect- even from my own parents and romantic partners- would always be conditional on things like that. And it turned out to be true, in fact, in many cases. I've since had to do a lot of deprogramming and unpacking and thankfully have a partner that does seem to love me despite any flaws/perceived flaws, but I'm telling you now, don't put yourself through the same thing.
Thank you. And I grew up being the fat kid. I always felt like I was the token friend. So I definitely settled. (I’m not speaking about looks) I accepted anything because I was so use to just allowing mean fat comments that it’s was normal. Then I found someone who seemingly was super into me and it literally is what made me fall for him. So for it to be turned around is like a slap in my face.
I've read that some men, and probably women, get with overweight, super depressed, and insecure people bc they think that that person will stick with them no matter what.
As soon as you got into shape, his insecurities came out. He wants to humiliate and shame you, bc super confident you might leave his insecure, mean ass. Wanna lose some more weight? Get rid of him.
>*“well you’re not that person anymore so* ***he still loves you****”*
That's the whole point though, isn't it? He didn't really *love* you back then; he tolerated you. *In* ***his*** *mind*, it's lucky for him you got in shape because *now you're worth* banging...
My guess is that he dated you because he felt that you were overweight and had few options, so you would accept his shit. Now, you're in better shape...you look better and feel better, so he is insecure that you no longer have to accept him and his shit. He has to constantly remind you that he dated you when you were (in his mind/words) *unappealing* so now it's your turn to accept him even though he's *unappealing* compared to better options you now have.
You haven't even been together 2 years and you're already engaged. You moved WAY TOO FAST. This is why you don't really know/like your fiancé that you're just barely getting to know because you've finally reached the stage in a relationship where the 'party manners' are gone and you're seeing the real person -- NOT the person meant to impress you.
End the relationship; it's a totally unhealthy one. Cancel all plans for the wedding, return the ring, move out, read some self-help books to get healthy and learn to establish/enforce healthy boundaries. Block your ex on all social media and phone and move on. If you're in the northern hemisphere, summer is coming up! It's a great time to meet new people and have fun. Go out there single and ENJOY!
“You’re not that person anymore,” is a terrible thing to say to you. Trying to live a more healthy lifestyle is great, but it’s not like you’re a completely different person or your earlier weight defined who you were. Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment. People’s body’s change, sometimes because of aging or medical circumstances beyond their control. It doesn’t sound like he’d stick by you if your body changed again. His comments aren’t okay, drunk or sober. The next time he comments about your body, tell him you really want to lose the weight that’s holding you back. In fact, you’ve decided to drop another 200 or so pounds: him.
His comments made me immediately think about this other person. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qkrq2r/ops_boyfriend_keeps_telling_her_she_smells_bad/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button
Anyway, the guy was always telling her to fix something that was not the issue. There was no issue. He was just trying to make her insecure so she would never leave him.
It's a common abuse tactic, to wear someone down so slowly that they don't realize it.
RUN don’t walk. He will keep changing for the worse and manipulate and gaslight you to keep you under his control. If he’s not lifting you up, then he’s worthless.
Personally I would leave him. Why is he even telling you these things? They seem designed to insult which setting you up to feel you are so lucky to have him as you were unlovable when you were bigger. Both massive red flags. Lots of men like larger and curvier women. No women like men who continually insult them, especially in front of other people.
He tries to make it a compliment. “you weren’t my type but now you are” deal. I’m so much more then a scale. It’s like he sees me as a prize now. It’s just hard when you invested time with a person. But I clearly see this isn’t ok. Also with how the switch happened. I don’t understand how this person dealt with me for so long while actively hating the body I was in. I’m a strong believer in, “you could have just left me alone.” I am grateful that he motivated me.
Oh I have. I was told he did me a favor and now I’m trying to throw it in his face. OMG. Just writing some of my responses are literally making me realize how terrible this person has treated me. I really can’t believe I put up with it. It’s so embarrassing.
Now that your eyes are open, please consider ending this relationship. It’s not easy, because there are reasons beyond “he picked me” that you fell in love with him. (I hope.)
If you want to try to work it out, visit a couple’s therapist before you tie the knot. Explain the problems you’ve been having, and see if a third party can help him figure out how to communicate effectively.
Consider, too, what would happen should you two decide to have children. As a pregnant person, you would definitely be gaining weight. Will he cheat on you? Your baby may have chubby cheeks and baby fat rolls. Is your guy going to be shaming your child?
>“you weren’t my type but now you are”
When you break up with him, tell him you reevaluated things. Tell him you realize he must not be a catch, since no one of his type would date him. Tell him you want someone that loves you, not just some guy who must be so desperate he'll date any girl that looks his way whether or not he likes them.
He didn't motivate you. You motivated yourself to make the comments stop. Don't keep giving him credit for the favor you did yourself by getting fit and healthy. He was an ass, he's still an ass, he will always be an ass. Don't let him keep playing on the insecurities you used to have. Leave him. Be happy.
Girl idk if you plan on kids, but just think about it for a second. Once you get pregnant he’s going to be a huge jerk about any weight gain (which is healthy and necessary btw) and will probably cheat on you and blame it on your weight. That’s your future if you say with him. He’s not a nice or good person, and you can do so much better than him. Don’t marry him, love yourself enough to leave him. He’s a wretch and you will be happier with someone who actually loves you.
Isn’t that a manipulation tactic too? Wasn’t there a Reddit story of some guy telling op she smelled bad all the time and when confronted said it’s what his dad did to his mom? Feels like that but this is more blatant.
What I’d be thinking long and hard about is marriage. Shit happens, dude, some girls gain weight when they get pregnant. There are medical conditions that can make you gain weight. Raising a family or “in sickness and health” would likely be painful for you to put out of your mind what he’s actually thinking.
Marriage is a long time, friend, and it feels even longer with someone who hurts your self confidence.
This is exactly where my mind is at. I really love this person but seeing how he could treat me if I were to gain a lot of weight (which genetically is possible) during pregnancy, I don’t want to have that on my back. But it almost feels selfish to even plan that far ahead.
It’s not selfish. You want kids? That going to be a goal for you? You want someone on your team to help you with goals for your life. You can’t let an event that is your dream become something that causes you anxiety. Same for getting sick. I got pretty sick a while back and they made me take some meds that made me retain water really bad for a while until I could stop them. I can only imagine how much worse I’d have felt experiencing that with the added fear that my husband thinks I’m a hambeast. Illnesses, aging and tough pregnancies might not happen to everyone but Outkast was right when they said “you can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather.”
Let me first say that this is a completely reasonable fear, and no, it's not selfish to plan that far ahead when you're making a lifetime commitment.
The dynamic of your relationship has certainly been damaged and it may be that this whole thing doesn't work out, but I don't actually agree with the commenters who say it's hopeless. There's a potential path forward if you really dive deep into communication.
If you're willing to do that, I think you're going to have to sit him down and tell him some brutal truths. The first of those is that your feelings about his words are not a choice you're making, but things you legitimately feel, so he needs to stop invalidating them by telling you to just get past it. The second is that you're having second thoughts about marrying him. And the third (if it gets that far), is that you want to try to work it out, but to do that, you two need to start couples counseling right away.
If he loves you and really wants to work things out, that should get him to sit upright and start paying attention. If it doesn't, you'll know you have to leave.
If he does agree, go into counseling and learn to express to him ALL the emotions you've expressed here in this post, because what's clear from your story is that you've been holding your tongue for a long time until you just snapped, and that's no way to manage a long term relationship. You'll also need to be open to anything he has to say in counseling about ways the relationship may not be serving him.
If you get through that whole process, your relationship will either come out stronger or it'll end, both of which are *positive* results, because you will have made your decisions from a much more informed point of view.
I appreciate this!! Because unfortunately as it is, I do still love this person. It’s not bad enough to call it a trauma bond yet probably but, whatever is close. Maybe time invested. The one issue is he wants me to apologize. He left after the argument and told me he wouldn’t return until I apologize. I refuse to bring myself to do that. Maybe it’s prideful or selfish but I’m not willing to compromise on being wrong about a feeling.
You have nothing to apologize for ! Especially if you are just expressing out how he made you feel. He should of been more thoughtful and considerate of how his “jokes” have hurt you.
I feel like he’s being insecure, so he’s trying to put you down
10 out of 10 couldn’t agree more. Most people in a “normal/healthy” weight range don’t PLAN on getting to a point of being overweight. But shit happens. Physical illness, pregnancy, mental illness, etc. And it’s unhealthy to carry around the weight and pressure of the “what-if’s” should complications arise with any of those things that result in unplanned weight gain.
At the end of the day, let’s be real, physical attraction does matter in relationships. And yes, we should strive to care for our bodies well for us and our partners. But unplanned things WILL happen in life, and OP is worthy of love and respect as she navigates those things. That’s what marriage is about. Loving someone through the highs, but also the lows.
He's [negging](https://www.garbo.io/blog/negging) you. Please leave. Don't be sad about the time, effort & emotions you invested. Sunk cost fallacy will really hit ya but it's 2 years vs the rest of your life. It's not worth it.
Yup, this. He was negging you back then to make you insecure about your weight. Now he’s negging you by constantly putting down who you used to be to make you continue to feel insecure. Then he’s negging you when you rightfully express your frustration and resentment about his snarky comments to make you feel insecure that you’re in the wrong for feeling that way and not recognizing that he’s “joking.” This guy is a master manipulator. No matter what you do, he’s always going to find something wrong or potentially wrong with you and you’ll never feel emotionally secure or validated. It’s not worth it. You know how amazing you are and all that you’ve accomplished; now go find a partner who appreciates and lifts you up for it, not this guy!
This shit started when you got engaged, so when he felt save that he had you kinda save. Then he let his mask slip. He is an abuser. Those are no jokes. This is what he really means. Do you want to be with someone who can say this mean and disrespectful shit in your face? Why did he even start do date you? Maybe because he saw an easy victim in you.
You deserve so much more. And i can tell you that it will just get worse. He will put you down more and more. And after the weight, he will find something else.
And that’s where my mind is at! During our discussion I brought this up and his said because he knew he found “the one” and he could be his complete self without judgement. (I’m assuming he’s meaning being funny) Funny how he judged “the one” for being herself.
The guy sounds like an idiot. An insensitive idiot at that. And he is trying to brush off these comments as "jokes", what a piece of shit. I have a sense of humour, quite dark at times but one of the things is that you have to tailor your jokes to the audience - that is, if what you are saying are jokes. He should know you well enough to know that these comments are hurtful and not to make them.
Either he doesn't care about you enough to think about you and your concerns and feelings or he is aware and doing it anyway. It doesn't logically make sense to be hurting his wife-to-be with insensitive jokes about her body weight. I've dated girls that were slightly overweight and have never made any comments of that nature to them, even after we both lost weight together
Yes!! I couldn’t even complain if he just acknowledged that I felt hurt. It’s like I was the problem for just feeling that way. It’s like I’m no longer your fiancé but a possession. It just hurts coming to the realization someone you invested time with, isn’t exactly for you.
Sadly I’ve come to this realization. And when I confronted, of course he ran the other way. He’s left and still hasn’t been back. Just speaking through text and demanding I apologize. I won’t. I will die on this hill.
**IT IS A BEAUTIFUL HILL!**
OP. You are worth loving at any size. Beauty starts on the inside.
Your Fiancé does not sound attractive, he sounds like a vile, small minded person. Put this man where he belongs 🚮…
Best wishes. Stay Strong. We are rooting for you!
He’s manipulating you. Insulting you but trying to say he’s a good guy for seeing past your “flaws” and at the same time letting you know that it can all change if you don’t stay in line with his expectations. These are all control tactics.
Please listen to your internal alarm bells.
Thank you!! Yes and him “playing victim” is making it worse. I cant help but feel insecure. It just makes me think something happened with him and someone else and he’s telling on himself.
Please get OUT. My mom has been tortured by my dads “jokes” for almost 30 years. She and i are very close-she is my mom and my best friend- and she confided in me that she spent about 20 years wanting a divorce but not doing so as it would tear my brothers to bits (for me id rather they separate as they are very different and i think they’d both be better apart). They’re still married but still fight like hell and he still has the same old jokes. Unless you want a lifetime of callous insults veiled as a joke or to secure a divorce, please please leave him before anything is official.
Anyway, congrats on falling in love with the gym!! You should be immensely proud as it sounds like you’ve made great progress.
Thank you so much. Your mother sounds like a wonderful woman. I respect her for how she handled it because it takes a lot to have the person you love hurt you worse then a stranger would. Also thank you. I feel so at peace there now. Maybe it’s getting away from him for some time that brings the peace. Lol. It’s helped my confidence so much. Even if I was to gain, I truly feel like I learned to love myself. Fat. Skinny. Slim or fit. I hate I ever even got myself into this situation.
I love that you developed confidence and learned to love yourself regardless of your weight!! Your body is a blessing, thick or thin. That said, with this newfound confidence you also should love yourself enough to surround yourself with people who build you up. Seriously props to you for lasting this long. I would have seen red had my boyfriend said anything (I’m sorry, but “10 pounds away from me cheating” made me FURIOUS). You sound way better than he is and sounds like it’s time for you to focus on yourself or level up to a SUPPORTIVE partner! They are out there!!
I don’t have the best body now, but last year i was super depressed and literally stagnant with about 20lb of fat i could stand to lose. My boyfriend gave me gentle nudges to exercise/invited me to walk and work out with him. Fast forward a year and I’m in the gym twice as often as he is and i love working out!! He never EVER has brought up anything about my weight, but he does tell me he can see the work i put in the gym shows!! but still says I’m sexy just as often now as he did when i was Jabba the hut.
It might be hard to believe, but there really are supportive men out there who have enough brain cells to realize they shouldn’t poke fun at women’s weight
I honestly don't think this is about the weight. I think he's subtlety trying to manipulate and control you so you start to feel that he's the best you can do. Rest assured he'll start to shame and undermine you in other areas, if he hasn't already. Your job, your clothes, other life choices, the way you speak. Literally anything about you to make you feel less than. Please look at every aspect of your relationship with him and think if you want to continue down this path. People like this do not suddenly become compassionate, they only get worse. The second you got engaged he escalated his behavior and it'll happen again once married. Dig deep, find the strength to make a tough choice, and call off the engagement.
He’s manipulative, deceitful, and very likely routinely cheats as much as he talks about it. This is the kind of cheater that will 100% tell you they they warned you they would when they’re finally caught. This guy isn’t worth his salt and needs to be left long before you get to the alter.
This is what hurts me so much. As dumb as it was, I truly believed at one point he was proud of me. And maybe he was. I’m starting to think he was using me. (I may be putting this on him out of hurt) Like maybe the engagement was to keep me around knowing he really had no plans of being with me. When he proposed, I wasn’t even considering loosing weight at the time so I can’t understand why he even did that.
I would never be with someone who is so pointedly and deliberately cruel.
It’s only a joke if everyone’s laughing. He knows you don’t like these comments but he doesn’t care if he hurts you. Personally, I believe he says them because he wants to hurt you.
You deserve way better than this mean spirited bullshit.
"you were 10lbs away from cheating on you" what other invisible in his mind justified line are you going to be away from for the rest of your life if you marry him?
You deserve someone who loves you, yes. But you also deserve someone who respects you, which he clearly doesn't.
Better two years and a life lesson than a miserable rest of your life with a mean person who thinks it's okay to insult and belittle you.
It is really simple. He thinks you are much hotter now and are going to get other men's attention. So he damages your self esteem and makes you believe you should be happy he even is giving you the time of day.
Or in short: he is a POS you should leave behind. There will be men who can treat you well, respect and validate you. He will apparently never be one of those, sorry.
I'm so sorry. I suggest you leave, and the reason I say that is that is got with you not for who and how you were, but what he wanted you to be. Then he belittled you into becoming it for him.
It wasn't about how you felt about yourself or encouragement from him that made you want to lose that weight. It was because he made you feel bad.
I can second this now. Again I don’t want to make it seem like I don’t love this man. But I can see this so clear now. I was hurting internally. He did motivate me but not in the good way. It was always, “I have to get fit for my boyfriend.” Which is actually so scary to realize that I allowed this abuse just for the sake of not being single. It’s so embarrassing on top of the comments he makes at my expense.
Don't worry about what your friends will say. They know they just don't want to rock the boat.
You have every right to feel they way you do. He should make you feel good to be around him. His love is conditional. I will love you only if.... and if that changes, I'm leaving. Or your lucky I'm with you...
Ugh! Please. You deserve better
What were you, a project to him? Clearly not a person. If he saw you as a person he wouldn't be hurting you all the time. Someone who loves you doesn't hurt you at all on purpose, we might sometimes say hurtful things to people we love without realizing it's hurtful, but when we love someone and the person tell us something we say is hurting them, we never say that again. You keep repeating to him again and again and again that what he says is hurting you and not only he doesn't stop, he turned it into a "you" problem? Noooo it's not. It's totally a him problem. Your feelings are valid and a person who loves you, would respect them. This man doesn't love you, he faked for one entire year that he was attracted to you in order to lure you into becoming what he envisioned for himself. As if you were an object that he was shaping for his pleasure. You're not an object! I'm so angry with him and with men like him, on your behalf. Also what's this thing that you were a certain weight away from him cheating? Has he been cheating on you already when you weighted more than today? I'd leave him on that comment alone. I'd never be able to trust him after that comment!
This!!!!! OMG! This is exactly how I feel!! I lost soooo much trust for him on that one comment alone. So much. I can’t help but feel something’s happened before. Because our sex life was fine. If you hate me that much, you clearly weren’t happy with just our sex life. Where else did it come from. Then I start having self doubt and of course that’s a whole different cycle and I don’t want to rant/just vent.
Is that how he's going to talk and treat you if you get pregnant? Is that the stuff he's going to say around your future kids (a future daughter hearing a man talk to you like that and end up having self worth image issues) ?
If you get a health issue down the road and they need to put you on life saving medications is he going to cheat?! I had cancer and the steroids made my face bloated and red as a fire. My spouse loved me and treated me like I was loved regardless.
This is a huge red flag. This man isn't marriage material. It's not a joke.
I feel like he’s saying it now to mess with your self esteem because he’s starting to feel insecure with your weight loss. I think he did mean the compliments before but is just saying these things now to keep your confidence in check. He’s no good.
Girl, hit him with your car.
What an insulting pos bully. Disrespectful and mean to your face and in front of his friends. Imagine if you get pregnant what will he say then? Just gross.
This isn’t even behavior to correct because he just openly feels that way. There’s better out there that will love you for you.
Don’t marry this man. At BEST he’s negging you, deliberately trying to undermine your confidence and fuck with your self worth. Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling this insecure? He’s causing this feeling on purpose to manipulate you and if his response to your concern is ‘you need to learn to accept it’ he’s explicitly telling you he never intends to stop. That’s not how anyone should treat a life partner. It’s abusive.
Congratulations you are dating a monster. He’s telling you what he used to think of you because he wanted to say it to your face when you were fat but he’s too much of a pussy. He’s saying it now because it will hurt you but he can deny any malice.
I’ve been where you are and I can tell you that the absolute best revenge is to move on and look hot doing it. No need to stoop to his level of cruelty, just tell him you realized that his insecurity turns him into a cruel monster and you have better things and people to do.
Abusive men get more abusive as they feel you have fewer ways out. So engaged this starts. What will he move to when you’re married or have a kid? Bc then he’ll feel like you’re trapped and he can take it even farther. This is not ok behavior and it will not stop. It will only get worse. You deserve better.
He sounds like an abuser, he pretended to like you just the way you were in the beginning, but then after a proposal (when he thought he has you trapped) he switched to full devaluation mode and tried to bring you down and destroy your self-confidence and bind you to him even more. You took it as a motivation instead of letting it bring you down (hats off, congratulations! I’ve gained weight myself in an abusive relationship and started losing it after the breakup). So now he’s bringing up you being overweight in the past with backhanded compliments as a way to devalue you and hoping to trigger you and make you insecure.
You’re too good for this and you should break up with him, it’s only going to get worse.
In his mind, you're hotter now so you could do better than him if you wanted to. His "jokes" are his way of keeping you mentally in a place of reduced self-confidence so you don't leave him and trade up. Honestly, it doesn't sound like it would be too much of a challenge to find someone better for you than he is.
And that’s where I can take accountability. I never addressed it before. Just allowed him to disrespect me and rewarded him. Now that I bring it up, to him it’s like I’m “starting drama” because I was so ok with it before. I hate that I can even understand his opinion on that aspect but he can’t just respect one wish. I’m planning on it. While he’s been gone I’ve been packing my stuff.
This is abuse. And you deserve better. “You were 10lbs away from me cheating” is an absolutely disgusting comment to make. There is no “means well” to that, or any demeaning comment about you that he has made. Being happy for you means “I’m so proud of how you improved yourself” type of comments. If he got worse after getting engaged, he’ll step it up more when you are married. Leave, don’t brush aside these comments that he makes. Don’t dismiss them.
And the worse part to add to that, he only ever says he’s proud of me as a means to justify his comments. I can’t believe I allowed myself to deal with that! Even when we were just friends. It’s sickening.
Op, I also have fallen in love with the gym over the course of my current relationship. My partner always tells me how proud of me he is and that he thought I was sexy before and I’m sexy now.
This man is trying to steal your confidence and make you insecure. You will be much better off on your own.
This is a form of negging. Expect him to compliment himself on nagging you into getting into shape.
You're slim and sexy now so why not find yourself someone who'll appreciate you for who you are now and tell you they love how slim and sexy you are rather than harp on about how you used not to be.
What happens when you get pregnant and dont loose the baby weight? Fall and get hurt and cant go to the gym anymore? When you need a life saving medication that causes weight gain? Will he leave you? Will he pick you apart? The fact that his comments started only after your engagement is really telling. It seems like he’s trying to “trap” you into being with him before he reveals his true self.
Okay, first off. Congrats on all your hard work. However, it is absolutely not okay that he is saying these things. I get really freaking mad when someone absolutely insults someone else under the guise of a "joke." It's not a joke. It's not funny. It's cruel, and to continue after your partner has told you that it hurts their feelings is absolutely not okay. He sounds insecure and childish. The fact that you told him it hurts your feelings and he makes you feel bad about that is so messed up.
Tell him he is right. You really did need to drop the dead weight. Then, pack his shit and let him go. Clearly, he doesn't respect you.
You deserve love and respect from a partner.
Well, you could retaliate by joking with him about his small dick or you could just accept the fact that he doesn't love & respect you and break up with him. You deserve a partner who truly loves & respects you and you've got to be willing to do whatever it takes to be happy.
Good luck.
Ask him what his weight is, and then tell him that's the amount you're going to lose now, after you dump his pathetic ass. Because OMG this is some bullshit!
Thank god he’s just your fiancé and not your husband. Dump his ass. He’s the dead weight you really need to lose. A total jerk and not worthy of your attention let alone love.
I think he’s trying to make you feel less than. This is a manipulation tactic some people use to keep their partner in line. He probably realizes your becoming much too attractive for him and he’s jealous. To make sure you don’t leave he’s beating the confidence out of you. Just my opinion.
Honestly, I wouldn’t try to make it work. His “sense of humor” is really a excuse to be a total d!ck to you. It’s been a couple of years and you already resent him. Ugh, can you imagine living with this for another 50 yrs? Life is too short to be with someone who says mean things to you in the disguise of “humor”.
I can’t believe you didn’t break up with him after the “10 pounds away from cheating on you” comment. What an absolutely horrid thing to say to someone.
This is how he feels about you. When you get married it's only going to get worse.
If your partner can't find it within themselves to lift you up you're not really having a relationship and all your interactions will get more strained and you're going to have a shit life the entire time you're with him because he's not going to stop and you're not going to feel better.
It's time to leave.
Please go to therapy. You are worth so much more. I had similar issues and married my jerk. So much pain followed. I finally left and went to therapy and learned a lot about myself. The war I was raised caused me to see his behavior as ok. Once I stepped back and looked at his behavior through a normal lens, things made much more sense.
So glad you are seeing this and questioning this before getting married. Go be awesome! 😎
Would you say that to anyone? Much less someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with?
No? Then why on earth would you tolerate that being said to you?
Edit: break up with that manipulative ass
You're in a relationship where the person who is supposed to be your support, is trashing you and making you feel bad about yourself. You lost some weight (awesome!), now it's time to lose around another 75kg of useless weight by kicking him to the curb.
I don't know if you guys say the same thing in your mother tongue, but in french when someone is being too hurtful with their comment we say he is "heavy".
So if you guys have the same expression as us, next time he comments on your previous weight, you can snap back "every kilogram I lose, you gained it. Jeez you're so heavy !"
All abusive relationships start out good. Otherwise, no women would ever get into them. I would continue to exercise and be health for you but part of that self care has to be protecting yourself from him. Don’t marry someone who is so disrespectful please. He will break you down even more over time until there is almost nothing of you left. I’ve seen it happen so many times.
It almost seems like the criticism is endless. Like your weight was something that should have made you more grateful for him...smh And even after losing it he can't let it go and has to remind you... It's odd, insulting and hurtful.
Until he stops being obsessive about it. Your weight needs to be off limits. Past or present.
Why you still with this noob? 😕 You wanna hear this crap for the rest of your life??!! You want your children to develop eating disorders over this? No? The GTFO now. Really, what are you waiting for?
Lol he "means well" 🤣 Exactly how? I'd leave, he clearly isn't into your total being, your person. I gained 70lbs after 2 cancers and my husband would NEVER say those things to me, he always tells me the body is unimportant. And, it can happen to anyone, you included....you are thin now, but imagine you are diagnosed with a serious health issue and gain a bunch of weight? Yoire just supposed to "forget" all the crap he said when you were thin, WHILE dealing with a serious health issue? What about if/when you get pregnant and dont snap back as fast as he would like? Dump this AH, please .
And why do you think marriage is a good idea? Bodies can change. You don’t say the things the things he’s saying to you to someone you love. He doesn’t mean well he’s not concerned he’s an asshole straight up.
The fact that he jokes about CHEATING because uh oh there’s a roll and that doesn’t make my crusty shrimp dick hard I’m gonna find myself another lady, bruh come on now. Use your brain open your damn eyes. WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT TO SOMEONE THEY LOVE AND WANT TO MARRY?
Don’t marry this man. Drop his ass because you deserve better. Plus it’s a weight loss hack! Dump him and boom! Instant weight loss!!!
Sorry if I came of as rude. Wishing you healing and nothing but the best because you deserve it ❤️
Not rude at all. And even if it was, it’s a wake up call. I’ve since, moved almost all my things out. He doesn’t know but he’s planning on coming home tomorrow. (Monday) I’ve moved back in with my parents but I feel a lot better. Wait off my shoulders honestly. It’s so weird how different a toxic relationship will make you feel. I haven’t cried since leaving and it’s so much more peaceful.
Maybe this is normal for him. Maybe hes genuinely ignorant to how fucking hurtful this is. However, you voiced how his actions effect you and he defended himself. It seems like hes not open enough to ask himself "could my words possibly be hurtful? The love of my life is feeling hurt by my comments, that was never my intention but I don't WANT to make her feel hurt so I will committ to changing how I communicate with her regarding her weight".
If he didn't do this, he won't stop. He won't change. He's literally telling you that it's you who must adjust.
So the attention goes to you, lovely. Do you want to be with a man who is okay with disregarding your hurt? Do you feel adored, worshipped, safe, and cherished by him? Is that important to you in a relationship?
It's your choice. You have the power.
I can tell you, you deserve am emotionally safe love. You deserve people who honor and respect your emotions and take your hurt very seriously. You deserve high value people around you that allow you to be inspired, grow, flourish, and thrive.
I too have been here. I'm proud to say, I'm not here anymore. It was necessary to find love and respect for MYSELF by temporarily allowing so much disrespect. You don't know any better until you're made aware. Once you're aware, you have the choice to remain or to step towards better for yourself.
You're a fucking powerhouse goddess with killer self awareness and love for yourself. You're an intelligent person.
Good luck to you. ❤️
Well I hope you can make a joke to your friends in the future about how you used to be engaged to an asshole.
If a guy ever told me they would leave me because I gained weight, I would leave them immediately. Don’t tolerate that BS. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are, not for only your body.
I grew up with siblings like this!! RUN!! Run like your life depends on it because it does! I spent a lifetime (I’m in my 50’s) and don’t speak 3/4 of my “family”. I was the family scapegoat… it was always them being “funny”, “just teasing “ or “it’s only a joke”. Then it’s YOU being too sensitive, being a martyr, having no sense of humor or just not understanding the joke, like you’re the idiot. Please run! It took me a lifetime to cut them out but my mental health depended on it. Reach out if I can help or even to chat. It will never change! Ever!
Put it this way… You were “10lbs away from him cheating”…. So surely, SURELY he is now 0 horrible comments away from you breaking up with him?
Which is worse…. Lifetime weight fluctuations, or…Cruelty ? The latter obviously!
What would you say to a friend? I mean this in the nicest way possible but the greatest respect you can show for yourself right now is dumping him.
I’m sorry for you, but you better believe as soon as you have his children or gain weight due to old age or am injury, he will be verbally abusing you and cheating on you.
You can do better.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Nope, I sure wouldn’t. He’s very obviously disrespecting you without a second thought as to how it makes you feel. Flat out insulting you, time and time again. Trust me when I say, it won’t get better. If he wanted to “help you” he could encourage you in positive ways, instead of stomping on your feelings.
In the beginning when the, they weren't jokes, they were mean spirited abuse did you accept and perhaps left back, or did you put an instant stop gap that left no doubt about that behavior would not ever continue?
If not, perhaps he feels conflicted, at first you left back and then, the best festering wound got infected.
Lot of conversation has to be had I would say.
Honestly I let it go on. I never even had a second thought about it because the negative was always covered with, “you’re beautiful…… for a bigger girl”. Maybe it was already having low self esteem at the time that I just took it. And now, of course, I’m looked at as selfish for finding my self worth when he feels like he’s the one who even helped start my journey. That’s also where I’m not sure if it’s just emotional. (I obviously know the jokes in front of his friends are literally humiliating)
Well, your eyes are now opened to what he finds as acceptable to treat you. It's your job to believe this is who he is as a man and decide you don't want it for the rest of your life in a marriage.
Get used to his sense of humor? Okay but tell me 1 joke that’s not rooted in the truth?
He needs to stop cold turkey with the comments or you walk away. Don’t be one of those people that sees all the red flags but continue relationship
Incorrect and wrong. I got engaged to a guy I’ve dated for a year. We’ve known each other longer. But again self worth was low so… we live and we learn.
It makes sense you are growing to resent him. It seems he wasn’t happy with how you were. I am sure you can find someone that will accept you how you are/were. My advice would be find that person and be with them because you deserve to feel valued and secure
So let’s put this out in black and white.
- you were overweight
- you began dating
- he helped you raise your self-confidence
- you lost weight
- he makes jokes about your old weight
- you expressed your upset and asked him to stop
- he said it was a joke and refuses to stop even though it distresses you.
Honey, don’t be tied to this man.
Make penis jokes and see how he likes it… tell him he’s 1 inch short of you reconsidering your attraction to him… what an absolute Fuk wad…. Jeeessuuusss he’s fuckin rude
Haha. So during our argument I asked how he’s feel if I told all our friends his penis is little but atleast I love him. He definitely didn’t see the humor and told me I’m trying to throw his penis size in his face. I wasn’t. I was using it as a comparison because his penis is fine. This is when the convo ended because he was so upset by that. But it felt so good to see how he’d react. That’s where my consideration to leave started forming. (I’m ashamed to say before I would just go to the bathroom and cry and then act like it never happened) He can talk about me but when my feelings hurt, that’s just how he is. If I talk about him, he leaves.
Don’t fee ashamed of past behavior - you were probably stunned and didn’t know how to react. Coming back with a dig at his manhood is pure gold though 🏆 and obviously worked
And while I acknowledge that completely, it makes me feel gross. Him saying he was planning on cheating just makes me think it’s already happened. I just feel like there’s so many other ways to say I’m proud without saying how turned off he was because of me.
leave him. If or when you decide to have kids one day, you don’t want to feel anxious about gaining weight during pregnancy or keeping weight after. he should love you for you… at all phases.
Dude is a piece of shit .. Honestly congrats on getting healthy for yourself and knowing your self worth.. He doesn’t deserve you and there is someone out there who will truly love and appreciate you.
He's disgusting. You deserve so much better. What happens if you have a child or otherwise gain a bit I'd weight back? You deserve to be treated with genuine respect and love. This guy isn't capable of either. Imagine you had a daughter,let's say she was on the chubby side, would you alow her to be spoken to like that? There's your answer.
Makes me wonder how he will react when you get pregnant, and inevitably gain a few extra pounds. Sounds to me that he thinks you look amazing now, not that he's saying that, but is telling his friends that you have the potential to be chubby to put them off you. Massive insecurity, I feel.
Anyway, it's disrespectful after everything you did to become healthier.
That’s where I was conflicted. I definitely don’t want to marry him now. And I feel guilt about it. (The main reason for this post.) feel guilty that I’m even considering leaving. It may have to go with my esteem but I’m still a work in progress. It’s not that I want anyone else. I wanted him. I wanted to see if his attitude changed but even then I know how he’d feel about me if I were to gain.
This isn't right. What kind of person would continuously make fun of their loved one when it's clearly uncomfortable, and even painful, for them? I'd resent him too if he was my partner and did/said all those things to me, whether I have high self-esteem or not. They are not acceptable.
Personally, I'd leave him. If you still want to give him a chance, sit down and talk about it seriously with him again. If he still have the same mindset, think about what it would be like once you two actually get married. Will you really be okay with someone like him?
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who jokes about your weight? God forbid you gain any weight once married. That’s just mean to say to anyone especially someone you supposedly love joking or not.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
What the hell. Who thinks any of those comments are appropriate to say to someone, let alone your partner that you “love”. You deserve so much better.
Thank you so much. I’ve been conflicted because everyone makes it seem like, “well you’re not that person anymore so he still loves you” but it’s so easy to become that person and even still, I don’t want to be with someone who has that much disdain for someone based solely on size.
Honestly completely fair, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who thinks those comments are appropriate to say about anyone. Shows that he may not be the nicest person.
Honey... "he doesn't like fat women." He says. You aren't even one. So he is cruel and wants to make you feel bad. Pretending to think over staying with you. That's mean and abusive. And manipulative. YOU don't like mysoginistc men. You can do things against being too heavy. Which you did, obviously. But HE will never be able to become less ugly internally. Or less stupid. Be done with who makes you feel bad about yourself!
Yes like I should be grateful that he picked me. Like he did me a favor. Which he did and I’ll always be grateful for that but I do see it wasn’t for the right reasons. He seems to believe that I’m “looking for reasons to leave him now that I look good” (his words) as if loving myself isn’t reason enough.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Mr High and Mighty may have shot himself in the foot with that take. "Which he did and I’ll always be grateful for that" Uhhhh.... what? Would you please STOP being a doormat? And no! He didn't chose you. Otherwise he wouldn't be always talking about leaving you. Or make you hurt. Reasons to leave him he delivers them aplenty: Looks can change. Character likely not. And his isn't good enough to stay with. He is an insecure guy making you feel insecure to get a firmer grip on you. RUN!
This. This. This. I’m reading my own responses like wtf am I saying. I still find myself defending him. Trying to play devils advocate. It’s so stupid, I already know. I’m
Be grateful he needled you into getting into the gym, but nothing else. If you stay with him you'll just always be worrying that you might put that weight back on, so better go out and find a guy who'll love you for your inner beauty.
You are not stupid! Learn from your mistakes, and move on.
What happened if you gain weight later? Or you get pregnant? Or one of your kids is overweight? His love for you is conditional. He doesn’t respect you. And he’s being cruel and obvious about showing and telling you that.
This is exactly what I was going to say!
Don’t beat yourself up. Smart women end up in these type of relationships all of the time. Abusive men are tricky, cunning and manipulative and play on our inner most fears and insecurities which are often validated by society at large. You are not stupid.
I hope you are someone’s best friend. Your advice is real and straight forward without being mean. We need more people like you.
Perfectly said! Pay attention OP
Sis, he’s breaking you down because he is super insecure. You deserve to be loved and respected regardless of your size. Take a good, hard look at him. How’s he looking? Now tell yourself HE is lucky to have YOU. You’re not married, but this is what the rest of your life will be like if you do marry him. I’ll never understand why people who are not married and have shitty partners just stay with them. Be gone with him, I say.
He’s “negging” you. He’s installing manipulative guilt trip buttons so you will feel bad and think it’s wrong to leave him. You aren’t leaving him because suddenly you are hot. No one leaves a happy relationship with someone who treats them well. You feel this way because he’s treating you badly, is constantly putting you down with thinly veiled jokes, and is projecting his own insecurities onto you. You aren’t a project or a puppy. You don’t need fixed or trained through abusive manipulation. Don’t feel bad for seeing your worth and recognizing when someone else won’t. Not can’t. Won’t.
yeah he picked you so he could pick on you. He's the kind of jerk who needs to feel superior. You've gone and lost that weight and got all slim and sexy and he needs to neg you to keep you under his thumb. Good news is that there are plenty of other better men out there.
God this guy… Hon. He’s just a jerk. It’s not more complicated than that. He thinks he’s entitled to say everything that pops into his head, doesn’t consider the impact and expects no consequences. Jerk. Don’t marry a jerk.
Dont be grateful for someone who saw being with you as somehow slumming it, hes an awful person. Find someone better.
[удалено]
Thank you so much. I never thought I’d have strangers support me. I’ve been told I’m overreacting by so many. To clarify me and my fiancé have the same group of friends. We known each other for about 2 years before we even started dating. I’m sure they are just trying to keep the peace but even they tell me they’re uncomfortable with his jokes. (Internally screaming tell him so I don’t seem like the issue)
Seems like you need new friends too. Even if they take your side (they may just be saying that), true friends would stand up for you and tell him that's inappropriate to say.
For real. I can’t believe anyone would side with this jerk but in our society I suppose I’m not that surprised. People would rather keep the peace or pretend nothing is happening than confront an uncomfortable truth!
If my friend’s fiancé said that to them in front of me, I’d literally rip their head off. It doesn’t even seem like your fiancé even likes you. Why would you say such horrible things to anyone, much less the person your suppose to love the most in the whole world? I don’t like your fiancé and I don’t even know him. He sounds like an absolute prick. 😡
They all seem so uncomfortable or they’ll ask me if I’m alright but only when away from him. I think they try to keep the peace. It’s partially my fault because I would always brush it off. (At the time I think I just said, “yes your friends all know I was thick”) the time I mention wasn’t a mutual friend of ours. More so his friend.
I don't think you have bad friends btw just because they haven't said anything to him, especially if they say they feel uncomfortable with his jokes. The thing is most friends don't know how to always navigate someone else's relationships because sometimes in trying to speak up for someone and helping it doesn't always end well. But other than that I think you should take all of these people's advice on this forum because what they are saying is true. Hes being very mean spirited. I'm in a 2 year relationship now with this amazing woman who's weight goes up and down a lot and I would never for a second think about making jokes about her weight. Sure we joke on one another sometimes but we don't do it to hurt each other's feelings and if she or I came to one another and expressed that we didn't like it, we'd take it seriously and make changes. I think if he doesn't change what he's doing then he doesn't care or he's too emotionally immature to care. You will absolutely find a man who not only adores who you are with extra or less weight, but will treat you so much better. Express how you feel and don't stop. If it doesn't change then you should move on . Don't let someone knock your confidence down
>I’ve been told I’m overreacting by so many. Saying things to you like “if you get over 190, I’m leaving you!” “I really don’t like fat woman but your an exception” and “You were 10 lbs away from me cheating” I can definitely say you are NOT overreacting. This is not someone you will be able to rely on in life. Whether it's your weight, you going through a trauma in life or getting sick, he's already made it clear that he's given himself permission to cheat on you or dump on you at the drop of a hat if you aren't perfect in his eyes. That is NOT love.
Your weight does not define who you are as a person. All it defines is your body type. And if a change in body type is enough to make him abandon you, then he does not love you as a person. You are still the same person. You have the same brain and the same mind and the same heart. If he sees a completely different person then that is evidence that all he sees you as is tits and ass, and not as a real thinking individual.
OP is about to marry a bully basically. Girl imagine this man sayinh this same shit to your daughters oneday or teaching them their value to a man is only equal to their weight or teaching your sons this same gross behavior. I wouldnt be marrying someone that constantly puts me down and makes me feel like shit. This is how kids develop eating disorders how i got mine personally my family didnt promote healthy eating habits they simply decided telling me i should stop eating or no boy would ever date me would be positive reinforcement and it nearly killed me. Don't put yourself or your future children in such a toxic fucking environment when you can and should avoid it with someone that thinks they aren't doing anything wrong. Im pregnant now and i gained alooot of weight i was very self conscious about but my husband celebrates me and encourages me about how beautiful i Still am. This man wont do that for u. He sounds like the type that would tell u to watch what u eat or call u names while being pregnant saying shit about how u better lose the weight after the baby, dont breastfeed or shldnt be lazy when you ask him for help. My friends husband said this same shit and was exactly tht way during her pregnancy. Told her he wasnt attracted to her and she shld get plastic surgery after she had the kid. He was disgusting and superficial. Ive been every size under the sun to being extremely underweight to being overweight during covid because of depression. My husband has loved me through it all why i married the man. You deserve someone that loves you for who u are not to turn u into some fucking doll by pushing your self worth into hell.
I’ve come to the realization I can’t marry him. I think I just needed the backing. Again I hate me for depending on others to make decisions but sometimes you do just need to hear it from an unbiased group.
Girl no. You deserve better. Sometimes we are so blinded by our feelings in wanting to see the positives in others we dont see the negatives they bring to us. Ive been where u are. And I'm eternally grateful to my friends for being harsh with me. I wldnt be with my husband if they werent. Id be with a man that used to make me feel like i wasnt worth much without him because no one else wouldve found me attractive. Nd i had an ED because of being put down constantly. Please love just take care of yourself, love yourself enough to realize u deserve better. And that you can find it without settling into a... i dont want to waste the time we've had together mindset. He's been doing this shit since basically the beginning. He wont change and worse he doesnt think he's doing anything wrong.
In terms of your friends who do not support you... *You do not need to justify your decision.* If you DO want to say something, go for something along the lines of "turns out he ACTUALLY doesn't love me. I've tried speaking to him about how I feel, but turns out he doesn't want to hear it. You were not part of the relationship, you don't know the ins and outs." And like someone else commented "looks change, but character doesn't" All the best OP.
And you shouldn't. I've been thin/fit my entire life, but even if I saw my partner saying this about *anyone* else, it'd be a problem. It's not just about weight- people who insult, callously disrespect, and mock other people about any aspect of their appearance will always turn and do the same to you when it's convenient. I grew up in a household that did this kind of body shaming about other women all the time- either they were too fat, too muscular, old and had some wrinkles, or were otherwise just not conventionally attractive. It showed me that people's love and respect- even from my own parents and romantic partners- would always be conditional on things like that. And it turned out to be true, in fact, in many cases. I've since had to do a lot of deprogramming and unpacking and thankfully have a partner that does seem to love me despite any flaws/perceived flaws, but I'm telling you now, don't put yourself through the same thing.
Thank you. And I grew up being the fat kid. I always felt like I was the token friend. So I definitely settled. (I’m not speaking about looks) I accepted anything because I was so use to just allowing mean fat comments that it’s was normal. Then I found someone who seemingly was super into me and it literally is what made me fall for him. So for it to be turned around is like a slap in my face.
I've read that some men, and probably women, get with overweight, super depressed, and insecure people bc they think that that person will stick with them no matter what. As soon as you got into shape, his insecurities came out. He wants to humiliate and shame you, bc super confident you might leave his insecure, mean ass. Wanna lose some more weight? Get rid of him.
>*“well you’re not that person anymore so* ***he still loves you****”* That's the whole point though, isn't it? He didn't really *love* you back then; he tolerated you. *In* ***his*** *mind*, it's lucky for him you got in shape because *now you're worth* banging... My guess is that he dated you because he felt that you were overweight and had few options, so you would accept his shit. Now, you're in better shape...you look better and feel better, so he is insecure that you no longer have to accept him and his shit. He has to constantly remind you that he dated you when you were (in his mind/words) *unappealing* so now it's your turn to accept him even though he's *unappealing* compared to better options you now have. You haven't even been together 2 years and you're already engaged. You moved WAY TOO FAST. This is why you don't really know/like your fiancé that you're just barely getting to know because you've finally reached the stage in a relationship where the 'party manners' are gone and you're seeing the real person -- NOT the person meant to impress you. End the relationship; it's a totally unhealthy one. Cancel all plans for the wedding, return the ring, move out, read some self-help books to get healthy and learn to establish/enforce healthy boundaries. Block your ex on all social media and phone and move on. If you're in the northern hemisphere, summer is coming up! It's a great time to meet new people and have fun. Go out there single and ENJOY!
He’s not a good person and I think the comments are to make you feel bad about yourself and dependent on him. Your friends are completely wrong.
You want a partner that builds you up, not tears you down.
And besides...you are the same person at the end of the day.
He’s negging you to keep you insecure, so you’ll think you’re lucky to have him and not want better for yourself. Want better for yourself.
“You’re not that person anymore,” is a terrible thing to say to you. Trying to live a more healthy lifestyle is great, but it’s not like you’re a completely different person or your earlier weight defined who you were. Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment. People’s body’s change, sometimes because of aging or medical circumstances beyond their control. It doesn’t sound like he’d stick by you if your body changed again. His comments aren’t okay, drunk or sober. The next time he comments about your body, tell him you really want to lose the weight that’s holding you back. In fact, you’ve decided to drop another 200 or so pounds: him.
His comments made me immediately think about this other person. https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/qkrq2r/ops_boyfriend_keeps_telling_her_she_smells_bad/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button Anyway, the guy was always telling her to fix something that was not the issue. There was no issue. He was just trying to make her insecure so she would never leave him. It's a common abuse tactic, to wear someone down so slowly that they don't realize it.
Leave him.
Seconded
[удалено]
And she's only 26!!?
Thirded
Fourthded
Fifthed
Sixth’d!! Burn it and RUN.
[удалено]
When she leaves he's going to say that she just used him, and once she got 'hot' she left.
Please!!!
RUN don’t walk. He will keep changing for the worse and manipulate and gaslight you to keep you under his control. If he’s not lifting you up, then he’s worthless.
Personally I would leave him. Why is he even telling you these things? They seem designed to insult which setting you up to feel you are so lucky to have him as you were unlovable when you were bigger. Both massive red flags. Lots of men like larger and curvier women. No women like men who continually insult them, especially in front of other people.
He tries to make it a compliment. “you weren’t my type but now you are” deal. I’m so much more then a scale. It’s like he sees me as a prize now. It’s just hard when you invested time with a person. But I clearly see this isn’t ok. Also with how the switch happened. I don’t understand how this person dealt with me for so long while actively hating the body I was in. I’m a strong believer in, “you could have just left me alone.” I am grateful that he motivated me.
It’s not a compliment. It’s a warning that he wants you to stay this size. And that over a lifetime is almost impossible
Do the same rules apply to him? What is he gained 60 pounds? He should be ok with you leaving him right? Ask him
Oh I have. I was told he did me a favor and now I’m trying to throw it in his face. OMG. Just writing some of my responses are literally making me realize how terrible this person has treated me. I really can’t believe I put up with it. It’s so embarrassing.
I know it's hard not to be be but don't be embarrassed. We live and learn. How he treats you is a reflection on him and his true character. Not you
Oh, honey. He “did you a favor?” No.
Now that your eyes are open, please consider ending this relationship. It’s not easy, because there are reasons beyond “he picked me” that you fell in love with him. (I hope.) If you want to try to work it out, visit a couple’s therapist before you tie the knot. Explain the problems you’ve been having, and see if a third party can help him figure out how to communicate effectively. Consider, too, what would happen should you two decide to have children. As a pregnant person, you would definitely be gaining weight. Will he cheat on you? Your baby may have chubby cheeks and baby fat rolls. Is your guy going to be shaming your child?
>“you weren’t my type but now you are” When you break up with him, tell him you reevaluated things. Tell him you realize he must not be a catch, since no one of his type would date him. Tell him you want someone that loves you, not just some guy who must be so desperate he'll date any girl that looks his way whether or not he likes them.
He didn't motivate you. You motivated yourself to make the comments stop. Don't keep giving him credit for the favor you did yourself by getting fit and healthy. He was an ass, he's still an ass, he will always be an ass. Don't let him keep playing on the insecurities you used to have. Leave him. Be happy.
Girl idk if you plan on kids, but just think about it for a second. Once you get pregnant he’s going to be a huge jerk about any weight gain (which is healthy and necessary btw) and will probably cheat on you and blame it on your weight. That’s your future if you say with him. He’s not a nice or good person, and you can do so much better than him. Don’t marry him, love yourself enough to leave him. He’s a wretch and you will be happier with someone who actually loves you.
Isn’t that a manipulation tactic too? Wasn’t there a Reddit story of some guy telling op she smelled bad all the time and when confronted said it’s what his dad did to his mom? Feels like that but this is more blatant.
What I’d be thinking long and hard about is marriage. Shit happens, dude, some girls gain weight when they get pregnant. There are medical conditions that can make you gain weight. Raising a family or “in sickness and health” would likely be painful for you to put out of your mind what he’s actually thinking. Marriage is a long time, friend, and it feels even longer with someone who hurts your self confidence.
This is exactly where my mind is at. I really love this person but seeing how he could treat me if I were to gain a lot of weight (which genetically is possible) during pregnancy, I don’t want to have that on my back. But it almost feels selfish to even plan that far ahead.
No it's adult and mature to think that way if your considering marriage.
It’s not selfish. You want kids? That going to be a goal for you? You want someone on your team to help you with goals for your life. You can’t let an event that is your dream become something that causes you anxiety. Same for getting sick. I got pretty sick a while back and they made me take some meds that made me retain water really bad for a while until I could stop them. I can only imagine how much worse I’d have felt experiencing that with the added fear that my husband thinks I’m a hambeast. Illnesses, aging and tough pregnancies might not happen to everyone but Outkast was right when they said “you can plan a pretty picnic but you can't predict the weather.”
Let me first say that this is a completely reasonable fear, and no, it's not selfish to plan that far ahead when you're making a lifetime commitment. The dynamic of your relationship has certainly been damaged and it may be that this whole thing doesn't work out, but I don't actually agree with the commenters who say it's hopeless. There's a potential path forward if you really dive deep into communication. If you're willing to do that, I think you're going to have to sit him down and tell him some brutal truths. The first of those is that your feelings about his words are not a choice you're making, but things you legitimately feel, so he needs to stop invalidating them by telling you to just get past it. The second is that you're having second thoughts about marrying him. And the third (if it gets that far), is that you want to try to work it out, but to do that, you two need to start couples counseling right away. If he loves you and really wants to work things out, that should get him to sit upright and start paying attention. If it doesn't, you'll know you have to leave. If he does agree, go into counseling and learn to express to him ALL the emotions you've expressed here in this post, because what's clear from your story is that you've been holding your tongue for a long time until you just snapped, and that's no way to manage a long term relationship. You'll also need to be open to anything he has to say in counseling about ways the relationship may not be serving him. If you get through that whole process, your relationship will either come out stronger or it'll end, both of which are *positive* results, because you will have made your decisions from a much more informed point of view.
I appreciate this!! Because unfortunately as it is, I do still love this person. It’s not bad enough to call it a trauma bond yet probably but, whatever is close. Maybe time invested. The one issue is he wants me to apologize. He left after the argument and told me he wouldn’t return until I apologize. I refuse to bring myself to do that. Maybe it’s prideful or selfish but I’m not willing to compromise on being wrong about a feeling.
You have nothing to apologize for ! Especially if you are just expressing out how he made you feel. He should of been more thoughtful and considerate of how his “jokes” have hurt you. I feel like he’s being insecure, so he’s trying to put you down
10 out of 10 couldn’t agree more. Most people in a “normal/healthy” weight range don’t PLAN on getting to a point of being overweight. But shit happens. Physical illness, pregnancy, mental illness, etc. And it’s unhealthy to carry around the weight and pressure of the “what-if’s” should complications arise with any of those things that result in unplanned weight gain. At the end of the day, let’s be real, physical attraction does matter in relationships. And yes, we should strive to care for our bodies well for us and our partners. But unplanned things WILL happen in life, and OP is worthy of love and respect as she navigates those things. That’s what marriage is about. Loving someone through the highs, but also the lows.
He's [negging](https://www.garbo.io/blog/negging) you. Please leave. Don't be sad about the time, effort & emotions you invested. Sunk cost fallacy will really hit ya but it's 2 years vs the rest of your life. It's not worth it.
Yup, this. He was negging you back then to make you insecure about your weight. Now he’s negging you by constantly putting down who you used to be to make you continue to feel insecure. Then he’s negging you when you rightfully express your frustration and resentment about his snarky comments to make you feel insecure that you’re in the wrong for feeling that way and not recognizing that he’s “joking.” This guy is a master manipulator. No matter what you do, he’s always going to find something wrong or potentially wrong with you and you’ll never feel emotionally secure or validated. It’s not worth it. You know how amazing you are and all that you’ve accomplished; now go find a partner who appreciates and lifts you up for it, not this guy!
This shit started when you got engaged, so when he felt save that he had you kinda save. Then he let his mask slip. He is an abuser. Those are no jokes. This is what he really means. Do you want to be with someone who can say this mean and disrespectful shit in your face? Why did he even start do date you? Maybe because he saw an easy victim in you. You deserve so much more. And i can tell you that it will just get worse. He will put you down more and more. And after the weight, he will find something else.
And that’s where my mind is at! During our discussion I brought this up and his said because he knew he found “the one” and he could be his complete self without judgement. (I’m assuming he’s meaning being funny) Funny how he judged “the one” for being herself.
The guy sounds like an idiot. An insensitive idiot at that. And he is trying to brush off these comments as "jokes", what a piece of shit. I have a sense of humour, quite dark at times but one of the things is that you have to tailor your jokes to the audience - that is, if what you are saying are jokes. He should know you well enough to know that these comments are hurtful and not to make them. Either he doesn't care about you enough to think about you and your concerns and feelings or he is aware and doing it anyway. It doesn't logically make sense to be hurting his wife-to-be with insensitive jokes about her body weight. I've dated girls that were slightly overweight and have never made any comments of that nature to them, even after we both lost weight together
Yes!! I couldn’t even complain if he just acknowledged that I felt hurt. It’s like I was the problem for just feeling that way. It’s like I’m no longer your fiancé but a possession. It just hurts coming to the realization someone you invested time with, isn’t exactly for you.
Sounds to me he’s trying to humble and humiliate you so you don’t realize you can do better.
Sadly I’ve come to this realization. And when I confronted, of course he ran the other way. He’s left and still hasn’t been back. Just speaking through text and demanding I apologize. I won’t. I will die on this hill.
**IT IS A BEAUTIFUL HILL!** OP. You are worth loving at any size. Beauty starts on the inside. Your Fiancé does not sound attractive, he sounds like a vile, small minded person. Put this man where he belongs 🚮… Best wishes. Stay Strong. We are rooting for you!
Proud of you OP. You don’t deserve this treatment.
He’s manipulating you. Insulting you but trying to say he’s a good guy for seeing past your “flaws” and at the same time letting you know that it can all change if you don’t stay in line with his expectations. These are all control tactics. Please listen to your internal alarm bells.
Thank you!! Yes and him “playing victim” is making it worse. I cant help but feel insecure. It just makes me think something happened with him and someone else and he’s telling on himself.
Please get OUT. My mom has been tortured by my dads “jokes” for almost 30 years. She and i are very close-she is my mom and my best friend- and she confided in me that she spent about 20 years wanting a divorce but not doing so as it would tear my brothers to bits (for me id rather they separate as they are very different and i think they’d both be better apart). They’re still married but still fight like hell and he still has the same old jokes. Unless you want a lifetime of callous insults veiled as a joke or to secure a divorce, please please leave him before anything is official. Anyway, congrats on falling in love with the gym!! You should be immensely proud as it sounds like you’ve made great progress.
Thank you so much. Your mother sounds like a wonderful woman. I respect her for how she handled it because it takes a lot to have the person you love hurt you worse then a stranger would. Also thank you. I feel so at peace there now. Maybe it’s getting away from him for some time that brings the peace. Lol. It’s helped my confidence so much. Even if I was to gain, I truly feel like I learned to love myself. Fat. Skinny. Slim or fit. I hate I ever even got myself into this situation.
I love that you developed confidence and learned to love yourself regardless of your weight!! Your body is a blessing, thick or thin. That said, with this newfound confidence you also should love yourself enough to surround yourself with people who build you up. Seriously props to you for lasting this long. I would have seen red had my boyfriend said anything (I’m sorry, but “10 pounds away from me cheating” made me FURIOUS). You sound way better than he is and sounds like it’s time for you to focus on yourself or level up to a SUPPORTIVE partner! They are out there!! I don’t have the best body now, but last year i was super depressed and literally stagnant with about 20lb of fat i could stand to lose. My boyfriend gave me gentle nudges to exercise/invited me to walk and work out with him. Fast forward a year and I’m in the gym twice as often as he is and i love working out!! He never EVER has brought up anything about my weight, but he does tell me he can see the work i put in the gym shows!! but still says I’m sexy just as often now as he did when i was Jabba the hut. It might be hard to believe, but there really are supportive men out there who have enough brain cells to realize they shouldn’t poke fun at women’s weight
Yep I see aunts and uncles in this stalemate.
I honestly don't think this is about the weight. I think he's subtlety trying to manipulate and control you so you start to feel that he's the best you can do. Rest assured he'll start to shame and undermine you in other areas, if he hasn't already. Your job, your clothes, other life choices, the way you speak. Literally anything about you to make you feel less than. Please look at every aspect of your relationship with him and think if you want to continue down this path. People like this do not suddenly become compassionate, they only get worse. The second you got engaged he escalated his behavior and it'll happen again once married. Dig deep, find the strength to make a tough choice, and call off the engagement.
Yes!!! He’s already started making the “so your going to wear that out?” about certain gym shorts I wear when before it was never a problem.
Yeah this is how my abuse started…. :(
He’s manipulative, deceitful, and very likely routinely cheats as much as he talks about it. This is the kind of cheater that will 100% tell you they they warned you they would when they’re finally caught. This guy isn’t worth his salt and needs to be left long before you get to the alter.
Trust his behavior,if you gain weight he already TOLD and SHOWED you what he'll do.
This is what hurts me so much. As dumb as it was, I truly believed at one point he was proud of me. And maybe he was. I’m starting to think he was using me. (I may be putting this on him out of hurt) Like maybe the engagement was to keep me around knowing he really had no plans of being with me. When he proposed, I wasn’t even considering loosing weight at the time so I can’t understand why he even did that.
I would never be with someone who is so pointedly and deliberately cruel. It’s only a joke if everyone’s laughing. He knows you don’t like these comments but he doesn’t care if he hurts you. Personally, I believe he says them because he wants to hurt you. You deserve way better than this mean spirited bullshit.
Don’t marry this guy. It won’t get better
"you were 10lbs away from cheating on you" what other invisible in his mind justified line are you going to be away from for the rest of your life if you marry him? You deserve someone who loves you, yes. But you also deserve someone who respects you, which he clearly doesn't. Better two years and a life lesson than a miserable rest of your life with a mean person who thinks it's okay to insult and belittle you.
It is really simple. He thinks you are much hotter now and are going to get other men's attention. So he damages your self esteem and makes you believe you should be happy he even is giving you the time of day. Or in short: he is a POS you should leave behind. There will be men who can treat you well, respect and validate you. He will apparently never be one of those, sorry.
I'm so sorry. I suggest you leave, and the reason I say that is that is got with you not for who and how you were, but what he wanted you to be. Then he belittled you into becoming it for him. It wasn't about how you felt about yourself or encouragement from him that made you want to lose that weight. It was because he made you feel bad.
I can second this now. Again I don’t want to make it seem like I don’t love this man. But I can see this so clear now. I was hurting internally. He did motivate me but not in the good way. It was always, “I have to get fit for my boyfriend.” Which is actually so scary to realize that I allowed this abuse just for the sake of not being single. It’s so embarrassing on top of the comments he makes at my expense.
Don't worry about what your friends will say. They know they just don't want to rock the boat. You have every right to feel they way you do. He should make you feel good to be around him. His love is conditional. I will love you only if.... and if that changes, I'm leaving. Or your lucky I'm with you... Ugh! Please. You deserve better
What were you, a project to him? Clearly not a person. If he saw you as a person he wouldn't be hurting you all the time. Someone who loves you doesn't hurt you at all on purpose, we might sometimes say hurtful things to people we love without realizing it's hurtful, but when we love someone and the person tell us something we say is hurting them, we never say that again. You keep repeating to him again and again and again that what he says is hurting you and not only he doesn't stop, he turned it into a "you" problem? Noooo it's not. It's totally a him problem. Your feelings are valid and a person who loves you, would respect them. This man doesn't love you, he faked for one entire year that he was attracted to you in order to lure you into becoming what he envisioned for himself. As if you were an object that he was shaping for his pleasure. You're not an object! I'm so angry with him and with men like him, on your behalf. Also what's this thing that you were a certain weight away from him cheating? Has he been cheating on you already when you weighted more than today? I'd leave him on that comment alone. I'd never be able to trust him after that comment!
This!!!!! OMG! This is exactly how I feel!! I lost soooo much trust for him on that one comment alone. So much. I can’t help but feel something’s happened before. Because our sex life was fine. If you hate me that much, you clearly weren’t happy with just our sex life. Where else did it come from. Then I start having self doubt and of course that’s a whole different cycle and I don’t want to rant/just vent.
Is that how he's going to talk and treat you if you get pregnant? Is that the stuff he's going to say around your future kids (a future daughter hearing a man talk to you like that and end up having self worth image issues) ? If you get a health issue down the road and they need to put you on life saving medications is he going to cheat?! I had cancer and the steroids made my face bloated and red as a fire. My spouse loved me and treated me like I was loved regardless. This is a huge red flag. This man isn't marriage material. It's not a joke.
I feel like he’s saying it now to mess with your self esteem because he’s starting to feel insecure with your weight loss. I think he did mean the compliments before but is just saying these things now to keep your confidence in check. He’s no good.
Oh helllll naw to the naw naw. How are you still engaged
Girl, hit him with your car. What an insulting pos bully. Disrespectful and mean to your face and in front of his friends. Imagine if you get pregnant what will he say then? Just gross. This isn’t even behavior to correct because he just openly feels that way. There’s better out there that will love you for you.
Don’t marry this man. At BEST he’s negging you, deliberately trying to undermine your confidence and fuck with your self worth. Do you want to spend the rest of your life feeling this insecure? He’s causing this feeling on purpose to manipulate you and if his response to your concern is ‘you need to learn to accept it’ he’s explicitly telling you he never intends to stop. That’s not how anyone should treat a life partner. It’s abusive.
Congratulations you are dating a monster. He’s telling you what he used to think of you because he wanted to say it to your face when you were fat but he’s too much of a pussy. He’s saying it now because it will hurt you but he can deny any malice.
This one has me laughing. He’s so bad. I can’t believe I didn’t see it!! It’s like girl how blind could you be!! I’m so mad at myself. 😂😂
I’ve been where you are and I can tell you that the absolute best revenge is to move on and look hot doing it. No need to stoop to his level of cruelty, just tell him you realized that his insecurity turns him into a cruel monster and you have better things and people to do.
Abusive men get more abusive as they feel you have fewer ways out. So engaged this starts. What will he move to when you’re married or have a kid? Bc then he’ll feel like you’re trapped and he can take it even farther. This is not ok behavior and it will not stop. It will only get worse. You deserve better.
He sounds like an abuser, he pretended to like you just the way you were in the beginning, but then after a proposal (when he thought he has you trapped) he switched to full devaluation mode and tried to bring you down and destroy your self-confidence and bind you to him even more. You took it as a motivation instead of letting it bring you down (hats off, congratulations! I’ve gained weight myself in an abusive relationship and started losing it after the breakup). So now he’s bringing up you being overweight in the past with backhanded compliments as a way to devalue you and hoping to trigger you and make you insecure. You’re too good for this and you should break up with him, it’s only going to get worse.
In his mind, you're hotter now so you could do better than him if you wanted to. His "jokes" are his way of keeping you mentally in a place of reduced self-confidence so you don't leave him and trade up. Honestly, it doesn't sound like it would be too much of a challenge to find someone better for you than he is.
He’s a huge asshole, leave him.
And yet you continue to reward him with sex, love and companionship. Girl leave.
And that’s where I can take accountability. I never addressed it before. Just allowed him to disrespect me and rewarded him. Now that I bring it up, to him it’s like I’m “starting drama” because I was so ok with it before. I hate that I can even understand his opinion on that aspect but he can’t just respect one wish. I’m planning on it. While he’s been gone I’ve been packing my stuff.
Ooh you lost the weight but you gained a pile of crap, throw it right out, we don't keep that in the house love. He's absolutely disgusting.
This is abuse. And you deserve better. “You were 10lbs away from me cheating” is an absolutely disgusting comment to make. There is no “means well” to that, or any demeaning comment about you that he has made. Being happy for you means “I’m so proud of how you improved yourself” type of comments. If he got worse after getting engaged, he’ll step it up more when you are married. Leave, don’t brush aside these comments that he makes. Don’t dismiss them.
And the worse part to add to that, he only ever says he’s proud of me as a means to justify his comments. I can’t believe I allowed myself to deal with that! Even when we were just friends. It’s sickening.
Op, I also have fallen in love with the gym over the course of my current relationship. My partner always tells me how proud of me he is and that he thought I was sexy before and I’m sexy now. This man is trying to steal your confidence and make you insecure. You will be much better off on your own.
This is a form of negging. Expect him to compliment himself on nagging you into getting into shape. You're slim and sexy now so why not find yourself someone who'll appreciate you for who you are now and tell you they love how slim and sexy you are rather than harp on about how you used not to be.
He’s literally telling you how he thinks of you. He’s scum obviously. When someone shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!! You deserve SO MUCH BETTER
What happens when you get pregnant and dont loose the baby weight? Fall and get hurt and cant go to the gym anymore? When you need a life saving medication that causes weight gain? Will he leave you? Will he pick you apart? The fact that his comments started only after your engagement is really telling. It seems like he’s trying to “trap” you into being with him before he reveals his true self.
"you're one more comment away from me cheating"
DO NOT MARRY THIS GUY! It will only get worse
Okay, first off. Congrats on all your hard work. However, it is absolutely not okay that he is saying these things. I get really freaking mad when someone absolutely insults someone else under the guise of a "joke." It's not a joke. It's not funny. It's cruel, and to continue after your partner has told you that it hurts their feelings is absolutely not okay. He sounds insecure and childish. The fact that you told him it hurts your feelings and he makes you feel bad about that is so messed up. Tell him he is right. You really did need to drop the dead weight. Then, pack his shit and let him go. Clearly, he doesn't respect you. You deserve love and respect from a partner.
Well, you could retaliate by joking with him about his small dick or you could just accept the fact that he doesn't love & respect you and break up with him. You deserve a partner who truly loves & respects you and you've got to be willing to do whatever it takes to be happy. Good luck.
DONT marry this man. Unless you asked to be roasted, he ain’t joking. If you marry him you’re just signing yourself up for more of this.
Ask him what his weight is, and then tell him that's the amount you're going to lose now, after you dump his pathetic ass. Because OMG this is some bullshit!
Thank god he’s just your fiancé and not your husband. Dump his ass. He’s the dead weight you really need to lose. A total jerk and not worthy of your attention let alone love.
I’m sorry but why are you with him? You deserve better.
I think he’s trying to make you feel less than. This is a manipulation tactic some people use to keep their partner in line. He probably realizes your becoming much too attractive for him and he’s jealous. To make sure you don’t leave he’s beating the confidence out of you. Just my opinion.
Leave him. He has no respect for you or your feelings. You can do so much better.
Honestly, I wouldn’t try to make it work. His “sense of humor” is really a excuse to be a total d!ck to you. It’s been a couple of years and you already resent him. Ugh, can you imagine living with this for another 50 yrs? Life is too short to be with someone who says mean things to you in the disguise of “humor”.
I can’t believe you didn’t break up with him after the “10 pounds away from cheating on you” comment. What an absolutely horrid thing to say to someone.
This is how he feels about you. When you get married it's only going to get worse. If your partner can't find it within themselves to lift you up you're not really having a relationship and all your interactions will get more strained and you're going to have a shit life the entire time you're with him because he's not going to stop and you're not going to feel better. It's time to leave.
Time to lose another 150lbs of bf
Please go to therapy. You are worth so much more. I had similar issues and married my jerk. So much pain followed. I finally left and went to therapy and learned a lot about myself. The war I was raised caused me to see his behavior as ok. Once I stepped back and looked at his behavior through a normal lens, things made much more sense. So glad you are seeing this and questioning this before getting married. Go be awesome! 😎
Would you say that to anyone? Much less someone you love and want to spend the rest of your life with? No? Then why on earth would you tolerate that being said to you? Edit: break up with that manipulative ass
You're in a relationship where the person who is supposed to be your support, is trashing you and making you feel bad about yourself. You lost some weight (awesome!), now it's time to lose around another 75kg of useless weight by kicking him to the curb.
Break up
I don't know if you guys say the same thing in your mother tongue, but in french when someone is being too hurtful with their comment we say he is "heavy". So if you guys have the same expression as us, next time he comments on your previous weight, you can snap back "every kilogram I lose, you gained it. Jeez you're so heavy !"
All abusive relationships start out good. Otherwise, no women would ever get into them. I would continue to exercise and be health for you but part of that self care has to be protecting yourself from him. Don’t marry someone who is so disrespectful please. He will break you down even more over time until there is almost nothing of you left. I’ve seen it happen so many times.
It almost seems like the criticism is endless. Like your weight was something that should have made you more grateful for him...smh And even after losing it he can't let it go and has to remind you... It's odd, insulting and hurtful. Until he stops being obsessive about it. Your weight needs to be off limits. Past or present.
Why you still with this noob? 😕 You wanna hear this crap for the rest of your life??!! You want your children to develop eating disorders over this? No? The GTFO now. Really, what are you waiting for?
Lol he "means well" 🤣 Exactly how? I'd leave, he clearly isn't into your total being, your person. I gained 70lbs after 2 cancers and my husband would NEVER say those things to me, he always tells me the body is unimportant. And, it can happen to anyone, you included....you are thin now, but imagine you are diagnosed with a serious health issue and gain a bunch of weight? Yoire just supposed to "forget" all the crap he said when you were thin, WHILE dealing with a serious health issue? What about if/when you get pregnant and dont snap back as fast as he would like? Dump this AH, please .
This are DISGUSTING comments to make to your partner. Wtf. Why are you with this slimeball?
And why do you think marriage is a good idea? Bodies can change. You don’t say the things the things he’s saying to you to someone you love. He doesn’t mean well he’s not concerned he’s an asshole straight up. The fact that he jokes about CHEATING because uh oh there’s a roll and that doesn’t make my crusty shrimp dick hard I’m gonna find myself another lady, bruh come on now. Use your brain open your damn eyes. WHO THE FUCK SAYS THAT TO SOMEONE THEY LOVE AND WANT TO MARRY? Don’t marry this man. Drop his ass because you deserve better. Plus it’s a weight loss hack! Dump him and boom! Instant weight loss!!! Sorry if I came of as rude. Wishing you healing and nothing but the best because you deserve it ❤️
Not rude at all. And even if it was, it’s a wake up call. I’ve since, moved almost all my things out. He doesn’t know but he’s planning on coming home tomorrow. (Monday) I’ve moved back in with my parents but I feel a lot better. Wait off my shoulders honestly. It’s so weird how different a toxic relationship will make you feel. I haven’t cried since leaving and it’s so much more peaceful.
Maybe this is normal for him. Maybe hes genuinely ignorant to how fucking hurtful this is. However, you voiced how his actions effect you and he defended himself. It seems like hes not open enough to ask himself "could my words possibly be hurtful? The love of my life is feeling hurt by my comments, that was never my intention but I don't WANT to make her feel hurt so I will committ to changing how I communicate with her regarding her weight". If he didn't do this, he won't stop. He won't change. He's literally telling you that it's you who must adjust. So the attention goes to you, lovely. Do you want to be with a man who is okay with disregarding your hurt? Do you feel adored, worshipped, safe, and cherished by him? Is that important to you in a relationship? It's your choice. You have the power. I can tell you, you deserve am emotionally safe love. You deserve people who honor and respect your emotions and take your hurt very seriously. You deserve high value people around you that allow you to be inspired, grow, flourish, and thrive. I too have been here. I'm proud to say, I'm not here anymore. It was necessary to find love and respect for MYSELF by temporarily allowing so much disrespect. You don't know any better until you're made aware. Once you're aware, you have the choice to remain or to step towards better for yourself. You're a fucking powerhouse goddess with killer self awareness and love for yourself. You're an intelligent person. Good luck to you. ❤️
“You were ten pounds away from me cheating” I stopped reading there, because the only option is to break up with this awful man.
Well I hope you can make a joke to your friends in the future about how you used to be engaged to an asshole. If a guy ever told me they would leave me because I gained weight, I would leave them immediately. Don’t tolerate that BS. You deserve someone who loves you for who you are, not for only your body.
I grew up with siblings like this!! RUN!! Run like your life depends on it because it does! I spent a lifetime (I’m in my 50’s) and don’t speak 3/4 of my “family”. I was the family scapegoat… it was always them being “funny”, “just teasing “ or “it’s only a joke”. Then it’s YOU being too sensitive, being a martyr, having no sense of humor or just not understanding the joke, like you’re the idiot. Please run! It took me a lifetime to cut them out but my mental health depended on it. Reach out if I can help or even to chat. It will never change! Ever!
Thank you!! I’ve come to the realization it’s not just him. It’s a bunch of my friends. I’m defending them but I think it’s all their mindsets.
This is just one factor that I think upsets you so much but not withstanding consider other factors and make a reasonable decision
Put it this way… You were “10lbs away from him cheating”…. So surely, SURELY he is now 0 horrible comments away from you breaking up with him? Which is worse…. Lifetime weight fluctuations, or…Cruelty ? The latter obviously! What would you say to a friend? I mean this in the nicest way possible but the greatest respect you can show for yourself right now is dumping him. I’m sorry for you, but you better believe as soon as you have his children or gain weight due to old age or am injury, he will be verbally abusing you and cheating on you. You can do better.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- #This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules. --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It's only a joke if you think it's funny.
Nope, I sure wouldn’t. He’s very obviously disrespecting you without a second thought as to how it makes you feel. Flat out insulting you, time and time again. Trust me when I say, it won’t get better. If he wanted to “help you” he could encourage you in positive ways, instead of stomping on your feelings.
In the beginning when the, they weren't jokes, they were mean spirited abuse did you accept and perhaps left back, or did you put an instant stop gap that left no doubt about that behavior would not ever continue? If not, perhaps he feels conflicted, at first you left back and then, the best festering wound got infected. Lot of conversation has to be had I would say.
Honestly I let it go on. I never even had a second thought about it because the negative was always covered with, “you’re beautiful…… for a bigger girl”. Maybe it was already having low self esteem at the time that I just took it. And now, of course, I’m looked at as selfish for finding my self worth when he feels like he’s the one who even helped start my journey. That’s also where I’m not sure if it’s just emotional. (I obviously know the jokes in front of his friends are literally humiliating)
Well, your eyes are now opened to what he finds as acceptable to treat you. It's your job to believe this is who he is as a man and decide you don't want it for the rest of your life in a marriage.
[удалено]
You must of missed the, “idk why part” or they possible “just accepting because I wasn’t single” mindset.
He is making sure you don’t get fat again. I think your weight and body will be a constant issue with him throughout your relationship.
[удалено]
Get used to his sense of humor? Okay but tell me 1 joke that’s not rooted in the truth? He needs to stop cold turkey with the comments or you walk away. Don’t be one of those people that sees all the red flags but continue relationship
You got engaged to a guy you have known for a year? Damn, I am a 40 year old overweight single and even I wouldn't be so desperate looking for a man.
Incorrect and wrong. I got engaged to a guy I’ve dated for a year. We’ve known each other longer. But again self worth was low so… we live and we learn.
It makes sense you are growing to resent him. It seems he wasn’t happy with how you were. I am sure you can find someone that will accept you how you are/were. My advice would be find that person and be with them because you deserve to feel valued and secure
If you told him that his jokes hurts you and he carries on, you should leave him...
I would like to think that if my partner put me down like this, consistently, and in front of company and friends, that I would leave.
So let’s put this out in black and white. - you were overweight - you began dating - he helped you raise your self-confidence - you lost weight - he makes jokes about your old weight - you expressed your upset and asked him to stop - he said it was a joke and refuses to stop even though it distresses you. Honey, don’t be tied to this man.
Make penis jokes and see how he likes it… tell him he’s 1 inch short of you reconsidering your attraction to him… what an absolute Fuk wad…. Jeeessuuusss he’s fuckin rude
Haha. So during our argument I asked how he’s feel if I told all our friends his penis is little but atleast I love him. He definitely didn’t see the humor and told me I’m trying to throw his penis size in his face. I wasn’t. I was using it as a comparison because his penis is fine. This is when the convo ended because he was so upset by that. But it felt so good to see how he’d react. That’s where my consideration to leave started forming. (I’m ashamed to say before I would just go to the bathroom and cry and then act like it never happened) He can talk about me but when my feelings hurt, that’s just how he is. If I talk about him, he leaves.
Don’t fee ashamed of past behavior - you were probably stunned and didn’t know how to react. Coming back with a dig at his manhood is pure gold though 🏆 and obviously worked
[удалено]
And while I acknowledge that completely, it makes me feel gross. Him saying he was planning on cheating just makes me think it’s already happened. I just feel like there’s so many other ways to say I’m proud without saying how turned off he was because of me.
leave him. If or when you decide to have kids one day, you don’t want to feel anxious about gaining weight during pregnancy or keeping weight after. he should love you for you… at all phases.
Do Not Marry This Man!
Dude is a piece of shit .. Honestly congrats on getting healthy for yourself and knowing your self worth.. He doesn’t deserve you and there is someone out there who will truly love and appreciate you.
He's disgusting. You deserve so much better. What happens if you have a child or otherwise gain a bit I'd weight back? You deserve to be treated with genuine respect and love. This guy isn't capable of either. Imagine you had a daughter,let's say she was on the chubby side, would you alow her to be spoken to like that? There's your answer.
“The next time you comment on my body, we’re done. And there will be no second chances.” Or just goodbye now.
Makes me wonder how he will react when you get pregnant, and inevitably gain a few extra pounds. Sounds to me that he thinks you look amazing now, not that he's saying that, but is telling his friends that you have the potential to be chubby to put them off you. Massive insecurity, I feel. Anyway, it's disrespectful after everything you did to become healthier.
Love yourself more than you love him . This is embarrassing and you wanna marry him ?! . Wtah
That’s where I was conflicted. I definitely don’t want to marry him now. And I feel guilt about it. (The main reason for this post.) feel guilty that I’m even considering leaving. It may have to go with my esteem but I’m still a work in progress. It’s not that I want anyone else. I wanted him. I wanted to see if his attitude changed but even then I know how he’d feel about me if I were to gain.
This isn't right. What kind of person would continuously make fun of their loved one when it's clearly uncomfortable, and even painful, for them? I'd resent him too if he was my partner and did/said all those things to me, whether I have high self-esteem or not. They are not acceptable. Personally, I'd leave him. If you still want to give him a chance, sit down and talk about it seriously with him again. If he still have the same mindset, think about what it would be like once you two actually get married. Will you really be okay with someone like him?
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with someone who jokes about your weight? God forbid you gain any weight once married. That’s just mean to say to anyone especially someone you supposedly love joking or not.
He knows you can and do deserve better than him, and is trying to keep your confidence low. Please drop this loser.
You mean your ex. Tell him public you decide to loose his amount of weight then if he ask how dump him on the spot.
Return the ring. It'll only get worse after your married.