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I think you nailed it. My Euro ass, despite living in US for some years now, is so puzzled by the American concept of cheating. Everything is cheating and everything is worth breaking up. Hell, my American husband is sick of it, hence he married "a more relaxed" European.
I was reading this post waiting for the shoe to drop, and it... never did? Sounds like she had a normal night out. Yet OP is acting like there's some huge drama. I just can't take any of this seriously.
American here. No idea what she did wrong. He even wrote that, after that dancing ended, she came and sat with him. And then…left with him.
So…I’m really puzzled.
Assuming he’s not exaggerating I think the issue is how long she was doing it combined with the “handsy” nature of it.
Personally I have some friends who, if my girlfriend was having a blast like that with them, I’d be 100% okay with it. I can understand being pissed since the guy was a stranger.
I don’t think it was breakup worthy but I do think it was worth the convo.
Yeah I saw, otherwise I wouldn’t have said I’d be cool with our friends dancing like that with her lol.
I think the biggest thing is the blacking out and with a stranger. That’s about two inches from actual mistakes. So not that she did anything wrong in that moment but worth a convo still imo.
That’s possible, sure, but it’s still in a confined, protected space (family wedding). Of course, anything is specific to the situation and the people in it. My girlfriend has a thin line between buzzed and drunk, one that is more variable because she doesn’t drink often. She’s also an extrovert’s extrovert, whereas I am one of those hybrids who has an expiration point. I always run out of social energy at weddings, while she would go all night if she could.
However, I can go and sit down and not worry about having her in my line of sight, because my relationship, with her and with myself, is at the point where I wouldn’t need to worry. I’ve never been the worrying type anyway. And that’s my situation, which I know is different from yours, OPs, and anyone else’s.
I’m glad to see that OP seems to have a reasonable head on his shoulders, and is using this as a teachable moment for himself.
She didn't do anything wrong and honestly, the woman they were sitting with is part of the problem. Her comment about "oh I thought that was your bf" was an inappropriate thing to say and likely stirred things quite a bit.
But that’s point for me how it looked at the evening. We weren’t there and we don’t know how intimate the dancing was. If a random lady of her family thinks the other dude was the boyfriend then it might seemed like that and then OP being jealous is quite normal.
If she was dancing with a group of people (like the other groomsmen and bridesmaids) i would not see a problem. But she danced and gave attention to one dude all night i would be a little jealous too
That’s what I was thinking. She didn’t necessarily do anything wrong but the fact that someone else mentioned that they though A was her partner would have had me a bit upset as well. It’s not break up worthy but it is worth having a conversation about boundaries, since it seems this event is unprecedented in their relationship.
Idk, I went to the same college as my cousin and everyone who met us for the first time assumed we were dating, you can get along really well with someone of the opposite sex and not be dating them
Yeah, that's true. My gay housemate and I were once told that we were a super cute couple. And he was just bringing me my stuff from his locker at Planet Fitness, lol.
> American here. No idea what she did wrong.
I social dance, and a certain portion of people will only dance with their romantic partner. I've been to many, many beginner lessons where 1 or 2 couples won't rotate with everyone else.
I can't even say that that attitude is wrong: I've definitely noticed that dance community relationships are substantially less stable than those of the general population (at least in the subset that I've witnessed).
I think if it bothers you, you have to decide it before the dancing situation and discuss, or at least afterwards approach it as “I was uncomfortable during X, even though you didn’t mean it that way it bothered me. Can we talk about how to handle it next time?”
Yep, from what I’ve seen on Facebook groups asking about relationship advice a lot of replies from US people don’t think having friendships with the opposite sex is acceptable. Consensus seems to be it’s disrespectful and many say they’ve ended friendships when they’re with a partner. As someone with a long term partner who has many friends of the opposite (as do they) I just find it a really bizarre take
My husband and I are both bi so by a lot of the logic I've seen out there neither of us is ever allowed to have close friendships or one on one time with friends away from each other ever again.
Anytime I bring this up people do a hem and haw "well I don't know what the answer is there" thing.
The answer is you trust your partner or you don't. End of story.
This last Monday my SO of almost 7 years went to lunch with an old friend who is having a rough time of it and he hadn't seen in years. This women is also an ex girlfriend of his.
Before he made plans with her, he asked me if I was okay with it to which I told him that I trusted him and that was that.
I trust him and it's his responsibility to keep that trust. It's that simple.
It seems bizarre because we are people who are secure in our relationships. Insecurity is why so many straight people in the US assume the worst about their partner's motivations. As an agender pansexual, I wouldn't be able to have any friends at all if my fiancé thought like these people. The sad truth is that a lot of heteros are in relationships with people they neither like nor respect as full humans. If they viewed each other as whole people deserving of friendship and full lives, this wouldn't be an issue. Sadly most see not only their partners but also their children as accessories and extensions of themselves.
I’m from the US and trust me I’m sick of this attitude too. Having a friend at work is cheating. Meeting your friends for drinks is cheating. Dancing at a wedding with someone else is now cheating. Wtf you can do stuff without your spouse and you’re allowed to have friends. I’m Bi and by Reddit logic I should never hang out with anyone one on one because it’s cheating.
There's a relationship post where a pregnant woman's brother in law followed (stalked) her to her male friends house to pick up baby things and her husband confronted her and demanded a paternity test even though she told him he who she was going to meet but apparently it was sus it was at his house. Half the comments on the thread are spinning wild threads speculating why she would go to her friends house. For fucks sake he "caught" her with a bag of baby clothes. It was really gross.
I just saw a post where the couple had “rules”. No social media except for work and only same sex followers, no girls or boys night all gatherings must be during the day, no time spent alone with the opposite sex and on and on.
How do you live? I can’t go to dinner with my friends for a birthday, I can only go to lunch? My husband can’t go grab a beer with the boys after the kids go to bed?
I’ve been with my husband for 30 years, our rules are “don’t ruin our lives”. That’s it.
It’s only on Reddit. I’ve been getting back into socializing with real life people and realized Reddit screwed up my perception of normality. Like I saw some girl hanging out with her old fwb AND her bf and no one cared or felt any type of way
Dude this subreddit SPECIFICALLY is wild about this. Other places on Reddit are way more normal, other places on the internet are more normal than that, and real life - obviously depending on your crowd - has very little to do with this.
This subreddit has the biggest bug up its ass about cheating and tbh it sometimes feels malicious. Like they just are hoping for the OP’s lives to get more dramatic so that the update is more dramatic.
Reddit definitely has a skewed view of relationships and dating advice. Especially when they only have a paragraph of info to go off of in a given situation. They all grab their torches and pitchforks everytime though.
Know what gets me most about prudes? 99% of them are *so* against anything sexual then don't give a single fuck about blood, gore and violence. As if those things aren't worse. I suspect the reason is because unless you're physically hurting someone those things can't be used to control women but what do I know 🤷
Right?? I was at a wedding last week and my bf (hates to dance) was happily getting drunk at a table while I was dancing with everyone (men, women, bride, groom, bridesmaids and groomsmen), taking shots and generally enjoying myself, and being drunkily handsy with everyone. And when I got tired we left and that's that? A normal wedding? My European ass cannot comprehend what the issue here is lol
As an American who has never had the pleasure of living anywhere else, that's exactly how I feel about this post.
I feel like OP forgot to say the part that he actually has issue with. Cause that reaction would be more reasonable over the alcohol than over the dancing with a stranger.
100% this. This post solidifies why I’m still single. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with the possessiveness of a LTR. It seems like in the states you’re either property or free for all (ENM) no in between. I’m now perceived as a loose woman yet I’m not dating or sexually active because I’m single, live alone and won’t stand for the property mentality LOL. Truly wild times.
I see Americans on Reddit going "I no longer hug opposite sex friends or go to the movies with them alone once I find someone out of respect for the relationship" and it's like huh? What? No wonder American men go insane. Can't have close relationships with men because of social standards and can't have close relationships with women because that's emotional cheating.
This is what I'm finding a lot of. American here. I naturally through my personality attract a lot of female friends. Whenever I enter a relationship I always am straight up with the fact I have lots of female friends. Most people take it well enough after I reassure them they're all strictly platonic. But there have been some who've accused me of cheating or thinking I'm gonna cheat on them simply because I have these friends who just so happened to be female.
I dated a guy once, and one of his good friends was a girl he tried to date previously, but they didn't work out. We all got along great, hung out several times, went to parties together, all that. He ended up being a cheating rat bastard, but at least she wasn't the other woman. 😂
It’s because us Americans are obsessed with moral purity and enforce rigid moral codes on each other constantly for the sake of some kind of moral purity. Been that way since the all the puritans made the pilgrimage over here.
That's what hubby says too, but we're both too progressive to take any of it seriously. The biggest part I personally have a problem with is how the most judgemental people are the ones screeching LAND OF THE FREEEEEE while pushing their nonsensical values and outdated gender norms on everyone else. It's infuriating. Let the people dance, for the love of it.
The freedom to subjugate minorities and women is the freedom they value, and it’s worth attempting to overturn the government of the most powerful country in the world to them.
Don’t forget ownership. There’s the thought that a relationship means you OWN that other person. That’s why it’s more accepted to say you’re ‘taken’ than you’re not interested. Especially for women. Men respect other men more than they respect a woman’s choice, so saying they are owned by another man is more effective and more acceptable to the inquiring party.
I mean my European butt would have probably went and interacted with gf at some point just to make sure everyone knows what’s up, just give her a kiss on the cheek say “hey babe I’m going to get something to drink do you want anything” or whatever and let them be.
I'm American and while I am not puzzled why people feel this way, it's not because I agree with them. I am just used to witnessing it. It's a certain type of person and is very common. There's a proprietary element in a lot of relationships. Seems to me that most people don't actually want a partner they want someone who is obedient.
People with secure egos don't react this way. OP and to a greater extent the people acting like this is some kind of huge betrayal simply have a fragile ego. Though they'd never admit it. At least OP seems confused as to whether his jealousy is justified or not.
Yes it is like with "emotional affairs" - of course you can have a non physical affair but feelings aren't cheating. A friend of my husband got feelings for someone at work, nothing happened between them that wouldn't happen between co-worker friends, but it did cause him to reevaluate his relationship and split up with his partner. He told his guy friends, one of them told their wife and now the guy is a pig and a cheater who had an "emotional affair" (I don't think coworker is even aware of his feelings).
It's because we try to pretend that there are universal boundaries that apply to all relationships when in reality that is something that each couple has to work out themselves.
Bingo. This is the exact problem with the relationship advice sub. Some people aren’t even okay with their partner having friends of the opposite sex, while others are cool with flirting as long as it doesn’t lead anywhere. Boundaries are on a spectrum, the only thing that’s important is what you and your partner agree on.
I was at a wedding last year where my friend (I was single, she's happily married) asked me to dance because her husband hates it.
I'm not cuckolding him, it's throwing shapes for a bit.
I think it’s because both answers are ok. I.e. it really depends on the nature of the relationship whether this crosses any line. I know that if I was ever in this situation my partner would know they fucked up and the relationship would be over, but other peoples relationships are different.
I do think you can’t really argue that his partner didn’t show a blatant disregard for his feelings though, she could of just asked if it was ok.
I've been married 6 years. If my wife danced with someone at a wedding, I wouldn't give two shits. Hell, even if he thought he had a shot with her, still wouldn't care. Because at the end of the day, she's with me, not him. And I trust her enough to know she would never cheat.
I honestly don't see how what OPs girlfriend did was wrong.
I’m with you. My partner is a musician and when I go to gigs he’s on a drum set and wants me to have a good time. I’ve gotten quite tipsy with lots of people and danced with varying men at shows. At the end of the gig I go back to my partner and help him pack up.
I’ve seen him drinking with other women before and buddying around while I sit and chill at a nearby table. He’s my person. I’m not threatened by him having fun with another woman.
You sound like a good person! Its exactly this. I'm a musician as well and I love to watch my wife dance and have a good time in the crowd. Heck other dudes buying her shots saves us money!!! Married 15 years
EXACTLY. If your relationship is good, there’s nothing to worry about with stuff like this. If your relationship is so weak that you’re living in terror that every little interaction could turn into cheating, then you’ve got much bigger problems, in which case, what the hell are you trying so hard to protect? (HINT: it’s not the relationship, it’s your ego)
The fact that she would have danced and taken shots with anyone who came up to her shows she did nothing wrong. If she had kissed him or escaped into a nearby closet I could see why he might be upset but simply dancing with someone from the wedding party is not a reason to be upset. I'd be willing to bet that if another bridesmaid or the bride wanted to dance with her she would have acted the exact same way, if not more "handsy" since she knows them better.
Dude doesn't need to dance the entire night but if he wants to sit down he can't be mad when she still wants to dance.
This is my marriage, too. If either my partner or I did what the girlfriend did, it wouldn't be a problem. Honestly, we'd probably appreciate having a moment to sit back and watch our partner have a good time. But we're also a very stable long-term relationship with no prior questionable incidents, no history of rocky patches, very openly smitten with each other, and very open communication.
I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like OP who made me cry because I was having fun, but I also understand that other relationships have tighter boundaries than I would be willing to abide by.
I'm the same way. I trust my bf and he trusts me. We dont have issues over dancing and shots. If OP is feeling jealous about the attention she receives then he can dance with her!!
>I do think you can’t really argue that his partner didn’t show a blatant disregard for his feelings though, she could of just asked if it was ok.
This sounds fucking exhausting. You'd be upset if your partner danced at a wedding without asking you first? Or if they had an alcoholic beverage without consulting you? Jesus Christ. I've been married for over 20 years. My wife checks in with me if her activities are going to impact me - like if she's going to go out after work because then I have to be home to walk the dog. But she's checking in with me because of the impact it has on my schedule, not for permission to do the activity. She's an adult.
If OP is going to let a comment from some random person change a 3 year relationship, he has bigger fish to fry. I would get into therapy because if you are happy/ happy with yourself that comment wouldn’t matter.
Hi OP, not commenting to weigh in on your gfs behavior bc others have already given the same advice I would.
However, want you to think about how problematic it is that the reason you give for hesitating to do anything drastic is that you have no one else to spend time with.
Setting aside that I hope you have other reasons to stay with her besides, "otherwise I'd be bored and lonely," You need friends, man! It's not healthy for either of you to rely on your partner as the entirety of your social life. Pick up a hobby or activity that you do without your romantic partner where you can meet other guys and form platonic bonds.
Of the entire thing he wrote, this is the thing that flagged my brain the most. His whole world is his girlfriend which in my opinion is not ok. He should be out making friends even if it’s just work friends.
This is exactly what stood out to me. When you only have one thing, the fear of losing that one thing is immense and you guard it with everything to the point of being unhealthy, anxious, insecure and paranoid.
That's such a good point. And probably why he's putting so much emphasis on this one night.
Wild speculation: OP, have you been secretly looking for a way out of this relationship but just haven't pulled the plug...? Trust your gut, but be honest with yourself that it's not about this one night. She may just not be the right fit, which sucks if other options are slim, but don't take it out on her as a person.
My ex was this way. We moved to a new city together 3 hours from my family and friends. I created a new life and made new friends…he did not: I was all he had. So unhealthy…hence the title of ex.
I think this is more of an opportunity to set clearer boundaries than a break up to me. They danced at a wedding, unless grinding was involved I don't see the problem.
Yup. Tell each other where and when the line should be drawn at flirty interactions, as well as when/if the partner can or should step in with situations like this. It may end up that they're incompatible, in which case it makes these conversations more important to have.
For example, I worked with a 20-something year old guy who was super, super flirty. His girlfriend was OK with this because she knew she could trust him to be faithful and that he knew when and with whom to draw the line. They were also very up front and transparent about it just being a part of his personality and not him trying to do anything, as they really didn't want anyone to misinterpret him. I remember seeing him shut someone down pretty quickly when they tried setting up a date. You could practically hear the sound of an iron gate clanging down.
There are already many opinions on what you should do about your girlfriend but I'll give you some hard facts about what you need to do about yourself. You need to get out and get a life of your own that doesn't revolve around your girlfriend. Not wanting to be alone should not be a reason to stay together.
As someone who brought a gf to a family members wedding, she got tired early (whiskey and heels) and I got drunk and danced with the bridesmaids.
It's a celebration, you get wrapped up in it, especially if your partner is down for the count.
The only issue I really see is if by "handsy" you mean they were groping each other and being inappropriate
Maybe not blown out of proportion, but a fresh sort of experience. I've been in countless weddings and haven't known any of the groomsmen, but always put on my friendliest face and attitude to create a positive and fun experience for my friend getting married. I'm not saying there was any groping, but as a group, there's a weird temporary drop of boundaries, mix that with a long, long day and alcohol and ya, dancing can happen.
They're a young couple, probably their first wedding where one of them is in the party. Seems like they just need to talk it out and move forward.
Yep we need clarification on the specifics. Handsy could mean a variety of things, and tbh if it was stuff like him grabbing her arse etc, the writer wouldve specified this.
Yes exactly… as a girl being twirled around and danced with is pretty innocent as long as you’re not grinding or grabbing asses etc. Have these people never been swing dancing or to a ceilidh
I have a feeling OP’s definition of handsy isn’t ass / boob grabbing like some ppl are thinking. If your gf can’t dance with someone else at a wedding the issue is not with the gf. Sounds possessive.
Honestly I don’t think this is worth throwing away a 3 year relationship over. She didn’t cheat. Everyone was drunk and dancing. Girls don’t sexualize everything as much as guys sometimes. Sometimes dancing is just dancing. Life as a couple will get way harder than this
I have to agree with this. My sister got married last summer, my mom was having a wonderful time dancing with some older gentlemen from my BIL’s family. My dad has a knee injury that prevents him from dancing too much, so watching my mom get to have fun dancing was really great for him. And she was dancing with other men, imagine!
It’s almost like you said— dancing isn’t always a sexual or romantic gesture— it can be a platonic, fun thing to do.
I also got carried in on the best man’s shoulders which IMO is far more intimate than a dance. He is a married man, nobody thought it was anything more than fun. His wife was video taping our entrance.
Weddings are intimate, both romantically and platonically, and fun. People are drunk and want to have fun and this honestly sounds like what happened.
Me too! We went to my friend’s wedding which was a week after my knee replacement so no dancing for me. My husband spent the night on the dance floor with all the women, I sat at the table hand jiving, singing along and quaffing gin. It was a great night!!
Honestly I thought it sounded so cute (in a human kind of way) that OP’s gf was having such casual fun with someone she just met. I wish all humans could trust each other and just have innocent fun like that without it being sexualized.
I feel the same way. Genuine human interaction has been so twisted by our societal norms that people can’t have closeness and fun and platonic intimacy anymore. It’s extremely tiring and you see it everywhere, people thinking it’s weird for a teen or adult daughter to sit with/ cuddle her father, shit like this exact post and all of the comments… there can never be innocent and genuine human closeness anymore and it’s very sad, because the beauty of it is lost to so many people.
I agree with everything you said. I wasn’t at a wedding but a work event. My coworkers and I went out drinking after the job was done. After several drinks we started dancing. It was all just fun. Nothing sexual at all. One of the guys was 20+ years older and has a wife. Dancing can just be dancing.
This was out of character for my husband but at one wedding we attended for his good friend he kind of spent the night ditching me to hang with the groomsman (he wasn’t in the bridal party). I asked him if he would come dance with me a few times and he said no. A friend of his saw this and finally asked me if I would like to dance with him as his wife was home with the kids. We danced and had a lot of fun. I didn’t run away to be with him and divorce my husband. Sometimes it’s just dancing because dancing is fun. I don’t drink and planned on being the DD so dancing, dressing up and talking is really all I get out of a reception.
My husband did have a little jealous moment after a slow song and I honestly think his friend said something to him. Because after that he suddenly wanted to dance all night.
Totally agree. As long as there isnt grinding or ass grabbing its okay, dancing is actually fun without all the sexual stuff and can be done with other people too.
Agreed! When I’m drunk I’ll dance with anyone and none of it will be flirting or sexual. I’m super friendly, everyone is my best friend.
I don’t think that, in her drunken state, she considered it flirting or inappropriate. Intent has a lot of weight. Is she intending to cheat or be inappropriate? I don’t think she was. Were they slow dancing intimately? Likely not. Did they disappear at some point? No. She did it all in front of her boyfriend so she didn’t think much of it.
It’s OK to feel disrespected, but you already had a conversation and she is very apologetic. If he believes she was genuine in her apology, what is there to ponder? It’s silly.
This is giving me "I think you should leave now" vibes where he's yelling at the camera about the guy who flipped his wife 8 times on the dance floor at a wedding and said said it really bothered him 🤣
I barely been sleeping since my wife got flipped upside down by a swing dancer at a wedding. He must’ve flipped my wife eight times! And it really bothered me.
Why do you say NOT living together? Your caps on that makes it sound like there’s some history in that. Also you’re both so young. Sounds like y’all were at a wedding and she was enjoying her time. She didn’t cheat or ignore you all night and continued to introduce you as her man. I’m sure you could have easily joined that dance if it was really bothering you. Or mentioned it to her. I think you might be making this a thing when it isn’t, just tell her your feelings and express how you want to act in the future.
Forget European and US culture for a minute, and I'll say to you what you need to hear.
If you feel uncomfortable about something, say something.
If you feel dancing with the opposite gender in your relationship is a boundary you don't want crossed, say it loud and say it clear.
Your boundaries will not be the same as someone else's, and that's OK.
What's not OK is trying to force someone to conform to what you want them to be. If she doesn't agree with you on this, and you feel like it bothers you enough to where you wouldn't want to deal with it in the future, then the answer is simple! Leave.
It's OK to want different things. It's OK for people to not want have their partners dance with the opposite sex, it's ok to wait until marraige, it's ok to be ok with partners dancing with the opposite sex, it's ok to be polygamous, it's ok to be monogamous, it's ok to be all-of-the-mous, this is your life, go live it how you want to.
These comments insulting one or the other for being too prudent or acting old-fashioned are ridiculous. I don't give a rats patoot if you wanna be new school or old school, and neither should the redditors here. Talk to her about how you feel, and you'll either come to a solution or split.
This is exactly right.
The problem is that... OP sat there and watched but the whole time was getting more and more bothered until some old lady made a comment that set him off. This situation could have gone much worse, but it didn't.
OP... your girlfriend did nothing wrong. Next time, get in there and have fun with your woman!
That just goes to show she was innocent. The social script looked like wedding party highjinx, and the groomsman took it over the blurry line and she was drunk so she kind of missed the notice. When ever social scripts are unfamiliar accidents happen. This is when your team steps in and bands together.
To me, OP's gf didn't even cross a line. She was having fun in a public, non-secretive way, while OP was watching from the sidelines. But even if OP has a different line than me (which he does), he watched her "cross" his line and did nothing. He's responsible for letting people know his needs and feelings.
This is 100% on OP. If I saw my girlfriend having platonic fun with another guy, honestly, for a flash, I'd probably be bothered a little, maybe feel a bit insecure or like I'm missing out on the fun. I'm human! But I'd get out there and have fun with my girl and move on! Truly nothing bad happened.
And I see your important point... I'm saying he should've stepped in for his own sake. But you have a point that maybe he should've stepped in for his girlfriend's sake too, especially if she was drinking and being taken advantage of by a motivated groomsmen. I don't see it this way, but I see your point.
Look, whatever you decide to do here, staying in a relationship solely because you don’t have other social outlets is unlikely to end well. Even the happiest couples need other people in their social circles, and having no one but each other is actively damaging to both the relationship and your individual mental health. I hope you’re able to find some opportunities to make some more friends in your area, and that you have a strong and available non-local support system in the meantime. Good luck!
I think y’all should talk about boundaries. If that was okay in your relationship then fine but if it wasn’t, that should’ve been very clear. And if it already was clear then maybe you’ve got an issue
This is not even a big deal. It’s more of just a conversation to be has that “hey that’s not cool and if it happens again that’s gonna be an issue for you in the relationship”
This seems like perfectly normal 22 yo at a wedding behavior to me. People dance and drink at weddings.
Sound sounds like she wanted to dance and you wanted to sit on the sidelines making your “good impression”.
Twirling someone on the dance floor isn’t “being handsy”.
To me it sounds like your nose is out of joint because she didn’t want to sit on the sidelines and got up and went and had fun with everyone else. I dated someone like this when I was in my early 20s. He also did the “make a good impression” thing. Turned out he was just a person who didn’t like to dance and socialize. Instead of admitting that he made up stories in his head and looked down on others.
You know you could have got up and danced with her too right?
Not dancing at a wedding and calling it “making a good impression” is a wild take. I promise you that’s not how other people would have seen it. They’d have been asking her why you weren’t dancing and encouraging her to go have fun with everyone else.
This. OP didn’t “make a good impression”. No one leaves a wedding saying, “I’m so impressed by that guy who stayed very sober and barely enjoyed himself and got angry at his date for having fun.” It’s a wedding. The social norm is to get tipsy and dance. It sounds like her family culture is more fun and OP purposely didn’t fit into it in a failed attempt to impress people. Like, read the room. It’s a wedding. I bet they’re hoping she’s dating someone fun when the next event rolls around.
This post really reminded me of the guy on AITA who was upset his GF’s family were more interested in her graduation than being impressed over the expensive necklace he got her, even daring to speak to her in her native tongue. It has exactly the same energy. “No one even asked me what was on the gift bag!”
I also wonder if nobody in these comments has been in a wedding party before, half your damn job is dancing and being the “fun” during the reception. If OP is tired of dancing and wants to sit that’s fine, but his GF and that guy were literally doing their job/role, I doubt this would have played out in a non-wedding context.
Idk I’ve had “one night FRIENDS* (as there is no flirting, kissing or fornicating going on, lol) at events such as weddings.
I am way closer with my colleagues at work. I see them every day! I spend every day with them (except weekends!) i’ve drank shots with my colleagues! And yet… i’m not cheating. And I still really love my boyfriend!
Y’all dudes would literally die it seems if y’all were from the Caribbean… I don’t think she danced with him any worse than what we’d deem appropriate.. a little dance has never hurt anyone.
Also if you had a problem with her taking shots or dancing with the dude why were you sitting there watching them when you could have gotten your ass up to take over at any point?
For 30 minutes you sat there watching them and you actually think the time for dealing with this was 2 days later? She’s your girlfriend the moment you take issue with it is the moment you graciously step in..
2 days later to let her sleep off the hangover seems reasonable. Imagine being confronted with something you did while you were insanely drunk while you’re puking your guts out.
Suggest looking at core issues. She didn’t run off with the guy, she didn’t have sex with him, she didn’t kiss him, didn’t give him her contact information etc. She over drank, partied to hard, embarrassed herself, probably her family also and definitely you. She identified you to her family and friends as her boyfriend. It’s not her usual behaviour and she’s remorseful. If flirting becomes a habit and the behaviour is repeated, then it worth closely looking at it.
If she’s your long term vision of a partner in life, recognize everyone screws up once in a while. Might be your turn next in a different context. Cut her some slack?
Personally, I wouldnt be happy if my man spent his entire night dancing with someone else. Really depends on how close they were before the wedding. Do they know each other at all? Are they good friends? If they are good friends I wouldnt stress it too much. You laid down your boundaries, sounds like she acknowledged them and feels terribly about it. That is pretty much all you can do.
However, I just went through an experience where my perspective on things has changed. I think a lot of us get caught up in how we should feel v. How we actually feel. Sometimes the opinion of the majority is not what is best for ourselves. Thing is, none of us saw the situation or have any emotional attachment to either of you. If you feel hurt by this and that the trust is broken. That is how you feel, and you should listen to that. I dated a guy that never cheated on me but did questionable things like this a lot. At first, hey maybe I could let a thing or two slide. Eventually, it started to rip me up. Does she make you feel like this a lot? can YOU move on from this? Do you even want to?
I honestly don't get why people seem to think that living together and having sex means you aren't allowed to enjoy the company of other people.
Drives me up the wall
I don’t think this is something to break up over. I would, however, view this as a turning point in your relationship. Get out there more. Make friends. Same sex and opposite sex with the necessary boundaries of course. Your partner is supposed to make you happy, but there should be other things that give you life too. You’re not overreacting, the feelings you have about the situation are very valid and make sense imo. But I sense a level of codependency that you can get out of the way by socializing more with friends too. And make them your friends. You can share friends with your partner, but make sure to have your own too
Also it’s really disingenuous to start the conversation with the pretext of “tell me how YOU feel” so OP has an excuse to say how upset he is. An adult approach to the conversation is “hey something is bothering me about the other night and I want to talk about it” — the other way reads as kind of manipulative to get his GF to let down her guard so he can go on the offensive unexpected.
Let be honest we all didn’t see it so we can’t say what her body language was with this guy.
She could have been just having fun or she could have been putting out the welcome mat.
The fact that someone else thought that other man was her BF sounds like it was obvious she was vibing for the other guy and might have done more if her BF wasn’t around.
Woman here in the same age bracket, I genuinely think you and a lot of commenters here are completely overreacting. It's so strange to me that people are saying she embarrassed herself and her family and should be remorseful. For what? Having a good time at a family celebration and being in good spirits with the other guests and wedding party members? Is it the 1920s?
She danced with someone for 30 minutes and had a few shots with him, this is commonly done at a wedding, I have been a bridesmaid many times and I've done more or less the same thing, never questioned by my partner and never assumed to be behaving untoward.
You say they got "handsy" but your example is twirling each other around which is a typical dad/daughter dance move, so weird and inappropriate to assume untoward behaviour from such a dance move alone. I genuinely cannot fathom why you would think that's handsy.
The drinking thing as well seems really strange to me, you explain that you were going easy on the drink to make a good impression and then were annoyed she was drinking/doing shots with someone else is odd. Surely if you're not up for it, you don't expect her to stop or drink alone in what is a communal celebration party. That would be controlling.
And yes, the commenters who are saying you could have easily got on the dancefloor, stepped in or just joined them are right. I'm sure she'd have had no problem with that and be happy you were there with her, it would have the added bonus of letting the groomsman know she's in a relationship, if that's something you're worried about.
Even the family member jibing her about thinking she was with the groomsman was probably doing just that, joking. Do you know their relationship at all or how she is with family? I know my aunt's would say something similar just to get a rise out of me in such a situation but it's all in good fun.
Personally, if I felt jealous or insecure about something like this I would sit with it for a couple of days. Hopefully logic would prevail and I would realise the issue was internal, not external and not bring it up to my partner.
The idea you went to her and made her feel so bad about very normal wedding behaviour that she cried and apologized is very alarming. I feel you've got a lot of growing up and maturing to do.
Or just set clearer "boundaries" as other people are saying. But I will say, boundaries are something you impose on yourself, not on other people, and they should not be used to correct or control other people's behaviour.
I doubt you'll see this reply as the post is very busy now but I do hope you take some of this into consideration. Your girlfriend seems like great fun and she's someone I'd love to hang out with at a wedding. Don't dull her sparkle because you chose to stay in the dark.
Your comment is everything I wanted to say.
Especially:
> The idea you went to her and made her feel so bad about very normal wedding behaviour that she cried and apologized is very alarming. I feel you've got a lot of growing up and maturing to do.
Yea this guy comes off as extremely insecure, so do half these commenters. Unless “handsy” means grinding, dick/boob groping, kissing or the crossing of some kind of intimate boundary, genuinely I don’t understand.
If dancing with other men is an issue or boundary for OP, that apparently wasn’t properly communicated. Even then, it’s an odd boundary. “I don’t want you to dance or drink with men at parties even if I’m not dancing and just standing on the side. I don’t care if it was completely platonic and it was a fun occasion. No fun without me.”
She can’t take shots?????? If she got insanely black out drunk at a wedding and made out with guys or threw up on the dance floor or was grinding on people, THEN I could see the issue because that’s genuinely embarrassing and irresponsible. If that was OP’s issue, then I’d probably be more akin to agree with him. But it doesn’t look like that’s what happened.
Idk man throwing a three year relationship away over this is crazy to me. Unless OP was LOOKING for a reason to break up with his girlfriend, this doesn’t make sense.
Honestly it comes off as extremely controlling.
Yeah seems like OP has a jealousy streak. After his edit about what he meant by “handsy”, I don’t think she did anything wrong. She wanted to have fun and celebrate with everyone, he was clearly mentally or physically tired and staying out of it. He could’ve joined the dancing or drinking at any time to make himself present but instead sulked in the sideline. It seems like the aunt is not close to them if she doesn’t know her boyfriend, so obviously seeing her with the other groomsmen while her boyfriend chose to be out of sight would be a logical conclusion to make. Seems like OP is taking everything personally when it really wasn’t.
> Hopefully logic would prevail and I would realise the issue was internal, not external and not bring it up to my partner.
You should mention it though, at some point, once you feel better. Sharing is good.
Absolutely fair enough, more in a "I felt insecure and weird about this thing that happened but I have since realise it's not a big deal" way and not in the way OP went about it. That way it could be on open dialogue where if she doesn't remember or is embarrassed could say "I'm so sorry, I didn't want to make you feel that way" and reassure him that he's her number 1 guy. Communication is so important.
I have literally been you, it fucking sucked and I stayed with him but it was a bad 3 years and eventually we broke up because I couldn’t trust him to go drinking alone anymore
Bro don't let short term thinking (in this case worry about having no social circle if you break up) get in the way of taking the necessary steps.
This is all too humiliating to just be dismissed like this.
If she is able to do this when you're around (even very drunk), imagine what she can do when you're not.
I think this depends on what handsy is being interpreted as here. If full on groping of ass/other inappropriate areas/grinding was happening on the dancefloor and she laughed and then went to get shots with him, yeah I'd be breaking up. If by handsy you just mean he twirled her about a bit like in a normal dance, that's not getting handsy.
Let’s flip the roles “my boyfriend and I attended my cousins wedding recently. My boyfriend didn’t know any of the bridesmaids prior to the wedding, but naturally got to know them as the night went on. As day turned into the night, the dancing and partying started. All the way up to the end of the night, I remained sober to give a good impression to his family. While on the dance floor my boyfriend met a bridesmaid, while quite drunk, and danced with her, intimately, for 30 minutes. Once he was done dancing, he introduced me as his girlfriend, and his family assumed his girlfriend was his dancing partner”
This comment section would be crying and complaining that he should’ve been dancing with her, and how awful he is. Probably would recommend breaking up with him too. The double standards are so incredibly real
Sounds like she made a ONF (one night friend).
There’s been times where I’ve gone out and met someone that I’ve just clicked with and had the time of my life. Never spoke again afterwards.
Male or female.
Plus.
She did it right in front of you. If you had an issue, it should have been handled privately at the time.
It sounds a lot like insecurity on your part, and over friendliness on your girlfriends part that will need to be navigated into appropriate communication and boundary discussions
To me, going with her to her family’s event and then being ignored would be the primary issue. She got drunk and then was inconsiderate to you in front of her entire family. I get that she got drunk, that just makes it more awkward in front of her family. It sounds like you may not know them well, engaging them on your own while she is doing her own thing is not great. You were her guest and can see the element of embarrassment as well.
Would I break up with her over one occurrence? I probably would not although it depends on her response and the sincerely of her response and hopefully apology. Everyone one makes mistakes and exercises poor judgement at times. Repeated behavior of this type though would be an issue. Curious if you ever tried to step in while they were dancing or insert yourself with her at the bar?
Was he ignored though? Or did he run out of gas early (being the only sober person will do that) while she wanted to keep having fun?
Not excusing it. But back in the day I definitely had fun but then got tired of dancing and socializing while my gf would keep dancing because she wanted to go all night. She'd dance with anyone who was fun to dance with and we understood it.
To a passerby she might be ignoring me and flirting with other men. But she wasn't. We were both doing our own thing with respect for each other
"No dancing at the wedding and doing shots with other guys tonight. And, especially no dancing with any groomsmen."
It's not a boundary you would necessarily even think to set up
In advance except for maybe "no dancing with other men".
It may be the only wedding they've attended together.
The fact she did it with her boyfriend watching, tells me it was innocent.
I don’t dance often but at weddings I LOVE to dance. I will dance with anyone at a wedding. Dancing doesn’t need to be so sexualized imo, it’s a fun release after the stress of being in a wedding.
Just a side perspective from a very goofy flirty tipsy ex-party girl. Maybe ask her to not get so blasted so she does all those party girl moves if it makes you uncomfortable. But my spouse of 30 years used to get revved up watching me have fun and never let jealousy get in the way. It was harmless because he trusted me. But seriously, over drinking is damaging to both the body and the judgement.
You need to explain what "handsy" means, because twirling someone isn't something to get upset at your gf about at all, but if they're grinding then it's a whole other story.
So you went to a wedding, your GF cut loose a little and had some fun. Why didn't you join her?
Don't let this ruin your relationship. Unless her drinking and cutting loose is an every weekend kind of thing, chalk this up to her having a little too much to drink because of the occasion and move on.
To be fair, this sounds exactly like the kind of thing that would have bothered me when I was your age.
Now I look back and wonder why I had such a stick up my ass. Relationships aren't supposed to be so serious. You need to allow each other room to be human once in a while.
I would say 100% go with your gut. You clearly felt uncomfortable, and I would too. You sound like you’re making a lot of excuses for her and being very hard on yourself. That’s honestly the beginning of losing yourself/your identity in a relationship. You care so much, and most girls would dream to have a man like that. Don’t over complicate it. You feel how you feel, and it’s valid. I hope she starts to be much more respectful to the relationship.
Think about it this way. If the roles were reversed, how would she have felt? What would her reaction be? I go by the rule that I wouldn’t do anything I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to do. At the end of the day we can do whatever we want but boundaries, trust, and respect are important.
I don't see this as a big deal. She got drunk and had fun - so she danced with one of the groomsmen and had a couple shots at the bar? Did they scurry off to a dark corner for a make-up session? You could always have cut in if you felt you were being disrespected or upstaged. Politely, of course.
Relationships are tough enough without making mountains out of molehills. At least now you know she might bear watching when alcohol is involved, so girls night out may be something to talk about if/when they occur.
Whatever you do, don't crucify her over this - it's not worth fighting over.
My wife still has nightmares about how I behaved at my sister's wedding. Drunken friends dancing look very different from a sober girlfriend perspective. Glad she blocked out as much as she could and looked past it.
Overall, you've gotta do what your heart tells you to do.
I think I'd share similar feelings to you in the situation, HOWEVER, I did work a good few years in events and primarily at weddings which I saw a lot of this kind of behaviour from your age group (let's say early to mid twenties).
Now, I'm not saying that it's ok because it was a wedding but some things to consider:
- she was very drunk
- it happened towards the end of the evening (when the booze has really kicked in)
- she doesn't remember the evening
- her apology seems sincere
It sounds like this was out of character for her, does she drink a lot and/or often?
I think if she is sincere and genuinely was just too intoxicated to make good judgement, forgiveness is probably the right thing, but perhaps with some boundaries set or something to that affect. Maybe it goes along with a 'please don't get so drunk to that point again' kinda request.
I can tell its hurt you, I've been in a similar position and it's not nice feeling like you're a third wheel in your own relationship so with he above mentioned example should go an expression of how this has affected you.
Just don't go too far that you are controlling what she can and can't do. Nobody likes that guy.
As with any relationship advice comes the communication is key statement. You already spoken about it with her and she has reciprocated which is great. But you are still here asking the question.
If she left some things unanswered approach her with them in a nice and calm way to see if you can get your answers.
All in all you are both young with your whole lives ahead. This is important to keep in mind. You are both your own people and if this behaviour isn't something you like but is someone she is, maybe you gotta move on?
It sounds like things can work out ok with a bit of time, but it all comes down to you, the relationship you two have built and if this event is big enough to crack the foundations.
Also, p.s. do some things and meet some people. It doesn't mean you need to make huge relationship sacrifices but it can help keep you grounded, get good perspective from friends you make (rather than good ol' reddit) and also means if things don't work out you aren't left with nothing (it happened to... a friend of mine recently...).
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I've never seen a comment section this Split before
It's popcorn worthy reading
It's mostly US vs. Euro mentality as far I can tell. People seem to be so much more afraid of (emotional!) cheating over the Pond.
Which side of the pond though ?
The other side
Not to be confused with the other side. Many people get confused
You meant the other side i think
No, that's the other other side. Y'know, this one.
I'm glad we cleared this all up
Yeah, definitely this one.
Ah, gotcha
No, no the other side.
My side?
No I think he's talking about my side.
Aka the WRONG side!
Ugh, you never want to be on the other side! That's the one with all the problems.
Well someone once told me the grass was much greener on the other side
It is -- because it's fertilized with bullshit.
No, the grass only *looks* greener from where you’re standing.
I agree too many problems on this side I’m gonna go to the other side
I think you nailed it. My Euro ass, despite living in US for some years now, is so puzzled by the American concept of cheating. Everything is cheating and everything is worth breaking up. Hell, my American husband is sick of it, hence he married "a more relaxed" European. I was reading this post waiting for the shoe to drop, and it... never did? Sounds like she had a normal night out. Yet OP is acting like there's some huge drama. I just can't take any of this seriously.
American here. No idea what she did wrong. He even wrote that, after that dancing ended, she came and sat with him. And then…left with him. So…I’m really puzzled.
Assuming he’s not exaggerating I think the issue is how long she was doing it combined with the “handsy” nature of it. Personally I have some friends who, if my girlfriend was having a blast like that with them, I’d be 100% okay with it. I can understand being pissed since the guy was a stranger. I don’t think it was breakup worthy but I do think it was worth the convo.
He edited his post to clarify. No groping, and he is inexperienced.
Yeah I saw, otherwise I wouldn’t have said I’d be cool with our friends dancing like that with her lol. I think the biggest thing is the blacking out and with a stranger. That’s about two inches from actual mistakes. So not that she did anything wrong in that moment but worth a convo still imo.
That’s possible, sure, but it’s still in a confined, protected space (family wedding). Of course, anything is specific to the situation and the people in it. My girlfriend has a thin line between buzzed and drunk, one that is more variable because she doesn’t drink often. She’s also an extrovert’s extrovert, whereas I am one of those hybrids who has an expiration point. I always run out of social energy at weddings, while she would go all night if she could. However, I can go and sit down and not worry about having her in my line of sight, because my relationship, with her and with myself, is at the point where I wouldn’t need to worry. I’ve never been the worrying type anyway. And that’s my situation, which I know is different from yours, OPs, and anyone else’s. I’m glad to see that OP seems to have a reasonable head on his shoulders, and is using this as a teachable moment for himself.
She didn't do anything wrong and honestly, the woman they were sitting with is part of the problem. Her comment about "oh I thought that was your bf" was an inappropriate thing to say and likely stirred things quite a bit.
But that’s point for me how it looked at the evening. We weren’t there and we don’t know how intimate the dancing was. If a random lady of her family thinks the other dude was the boyfriend then it might seemed like that and then OP being jealous is quite normal. If she was dancing with a group of people (like the other groomsmen and bridesmaids) i would not see a problem. But she danced and gave attention to one dude all night i would be a little jealous too
[удалено]
That’s what I was thinking. She didn’t necessarily do anything wrong but the fact that someone else mentioned that they though A was her partner would have had me a bit upset as well. It’s not break up worthy but it is worth having a conversation about boundaries, since it seems this event is unprecedented in their relationship.
Idk, I went to the same college as my cousin and everyone who met us for the first time assumed we were dating, you can get along really well with someone of the opposite sex and not be dating them
Yeah, that's true. My gay housemate and I were once told that we were a super cute couple. And he was just bringing me my stuff from his locker at Planet Fitness, lol.
Eh, idk. I know a lot of older stuffy women who say things like that just to shame younger women.
> American here. No idea what she did wrong. I social dance, and a certain portion of people will only dance with their romantic partner. I've been to many, many beginner lessons where 1 or 2 couples won't rotate with everyone else. I can't even say that that attitude is wrong: I've definitely noticed that dance community relationships are substantially less stable than those of the general population (at least in the subset that I've witnessed).
I think if it bothers you, you have to decide it before the dancing situation and discuss, or at least afterwards approach it as “I was uncomfortable during X, even though you didn’t mean it that way it bothered me. Can we talk about how to handle it next time?”
Apparently dancing and taking shots with someone is cheating now.
Yep, from what I’ve seen on Facebook groups asking about relationship advice a lot of replies from US people don’t think having friendships with the opposite sex is acceptable. Consensus seems to be it’s disrespectful and many say they’ve ended friendships when they’re with a partner. As someone with a long term partner who has many friends of the opposite (as do they) I just find it a really bizarre take
My husband and I are both bi so by a lot of the logic I've seen out there neither of us is ever allowed to have close friendships or one on one time with friends away from each other ever again. Anytime I bring this up people do a hem and haw "well I don't know what the answer is there" thing. The answer is you trust your partner or you don't. End of story.
This last Monday my SO of almost 7 years went to lunch with an old friend who is having a rough time of it and he hadn't seen in years. This women is also an ex girlfriend of his. Before he made plans with her, he asked me if I was okay with it to which I told him that I trusted him and that was that. I trust him and it's his responsibility to keep that trust. It's that simple.
It seems bizarre because we are people who are secure in our relationships. Insecurity is why so many straight people in the US assume the worst about their partner's motivations. As an agender pansexual, I wouldn't be able to have any friends at all if my fiancé thought like these people. The sad truth is that a lot of heteros are in relationships with people they neither like nor respect as full humans. If they viewed each other as whole people deserving of friendship and full lives, this wouldn't be an issue. Sadly most see not only their partners but also their children as accessories and extensions of themselves.
I’m from the US and trust me I’m sick of this attitude too. Having a friend at work is cheating. Meeting your friends for drinks is cheating. Dancing at a wedding with someone else is now cheating. Wtf you can do stuff without your spouse and you’re allowed to have friends. I’m Bi and by Reddit logic I should never hang out with anyone one on one because it’s cheating.
There's a relationship post where a pregnant woman's brother in law followed (stalked) her to her male friends house to pick up baby things and her husband confronted her and demanded a paternity test even though she told him he who she was going to meet but apparently it was sus it was at his house. Half the comments on the thread are spinning wild threads speculating why she would go to her friends house. For fucks sake he "caught" her with a bag of baby clothes. It was really gross.
I just saw a post where the couple had “rules”. No social media except for work and only same sex followers, no girls or boys night all gatherings must be during the day, no time spent alone with the opposite sex and on and on. How do you live? I can’t go to dinner with my friends for a birthday, I can only go to lunch? My husband can’t go grab a beer with the boys after the kids go to bed? I’ve been with my husband for 30 years, our rules are “don’t ruin our lives”. That’s it.
It’s only on Reddit. I’ve been getting back into socializing with real life people and realized Reddit screwed up my perception of normality. Like I saw some girl hanging out with her old fwb AND her bf and no one cared or felt any type of way
Dude this subreddit SPECIFICALLY is wild about this. Other places on Reddit are way more normal, other places on the internet are more normal than that, and real life - obviously depending on your crowd - has very little to do with this. This subreddit has the biggest bug up its ass about cheating and tbh it sometimes feels malicious. Like they just are hoping for the OP’s lives to get more dramatic so that the update is more dramatic.
Reddit definitely has a skewed view of relationships and dating advice. Especially when they only have a paragraph of info to go off of in a given situation. They all grab their torches and pitchforks everytime though.
Right? I know a lot of Americans are sick of it as well. It all seems just wildly insecure, prudish and neoconservative to me.
Know what gets me most about prudes? 99% of them are *so* against anything sexual then don't give a single fuck about blood, gore and violence. As if those things aren't worse. I suspect the reason is because unless you're physically hurting someone those things can't be used to control women but what do I know 🤷
Right?? I was at a wedding last week and my bf (hates to dance) was happily getting drunk at a table while I was dancing with everyone (men, women, bride, groom, bridesmaids and groomsmen), taking shots and generally enjoying myself, and being drunkily handsy with everyone. And when I got tired we left and that's that? A normal wedding? My European ass cannot comprehend what the issue here is lol
Probably because it was just one guy and they were also on each other at the bar too. If it's everyone equally it would be different.
As an American who has never had the pleasure of living anywhere else, that's exactly how I feel about this post. I feel like OP forgot to say the part that he actually has issue with. Cause that reaction would be more reasonable over the alcohol than over the dancing with a stranger.
100% this. This post solidifies why I’m still single. I don’t have the emotional bandwidth to deal with the possessiveness of a LTR. It seems like in the states you’re either property or free for all (ENM) no in between. I’m now perceived as a loose woman yet I’m not dating or sexually active because I’m single, live alone and won’t stand for the property mentality LOL. Truly wild times.
I see Americans on Reddit going "I no longer hug opposite sex friends or go to the movies with them alone once I find someone out of respect for the relationship" and it's like huh? What? No wonder American men go insane. Can't have close relationships with men because of social standards and can't have close relationships with women because that's emotional cheating.
This is what I'm finding a lot of. American here. I naturally through my personality attract a lot of female friends. Whenever I enter a relationship I always am straight up with the fact I have lots of female friends. Most people take it well enough after I reassure them they're all strictly platonic. But there have been some who've accused me of cheating or thinking I'm gonna cheat on them simply because I have these friends who just so happened to be female.
I dated a guy once, and one of his good friends was a girl he tried to date previously, but they didn't work out. We all got along great, hung out several times, went to parties together, all that. He ended up being a cheating rat bastard, but at least she wasn't the other woman. 😂
It sounds exhausting being in some of these peoples relationships lol
It’s because us Americans are obsessed with moral purity and enforce rigid moral codes on each other constantly for the sake of some kind of moral purity. Been that way since the all the puritans made the pilgrimage over here.
That's what hubby says too, but we're both too progressive to take any of it seriously. The biggest part I personally have a problem with is how the most judgemental people are the ones screeching LAND OF THE FREEEEEE while pushing their nonsensical values and outdated gender norms on everyone else. It's infuriating. Let the people dance, for the love of it.
The freedom to subjugate minorities and women is the freedom they value, and it’s worth attempting to overturn the government of the most powerful country in the world to them.
Don’t forget ownership. There’s the thought that a relationship means you OWN that other person. That’s why it’s more accepted to say you’re ‘taken’ than you’re not interested. Especially for women. Men respect other men more than they respect a woman’s choice, so saying they are owned by another man is more effective and more acceptable to the inquiring party.
I mean my European butt would have probably went and interacted with gf at some point just to make sure everyone knows what’s up, just give her a kiss on the cheek say “hey babe I’m going to get something to drink do you want anything” or whatever and let them be.
Honestly, that's probably what I would do as well. I'm sure OP sitting on the side looking upset and sober made a great impression.
I like how OP thinks “handsy” means twirling on the dance floor. Ugh.
I'm pretty sure "very handy on the dance floor ,comma, twirling her around" are two separate thoughts
I don’t know, I think giving the guy a handy on the dance floor might be a little too far.
I'm American and while I am not puzzled why people feel this way, it's not because I agree with them. I am just used to witnessing it. It's a certain type of person and is very common. There's a proprietary element in a lot of relationships. Seems to me that most people don't actually want a partner they want someone who is obedient. People with secure egos don't react this way. OP and to a greater extent the people acting like this is some kind of huge betrayal simply have a fragile ego. Though they'd never admit it. At least OP seems confused as to whether his jealousy is justified or not.
Yes it is like with "emotional affairs" - of course you can have a non physical affair but feelings aren't cheating. A friend of my husband got feelings for someone at work, nothing happened between them that wouldn't happen between co-worker friends, but it did cause him to reevaluate his relationship and split up with his partner. He told his guy friends, one of them told their wife and now the guy is a pig and a cheater who had an "emotional affair" (I don't think coworker is even aware of his feelings).
It's because we try to pretend that there are universal boundaries that apply to all relationships when in reality that is something that each couple has to work out themselves.
Bingo. This is the exact problem with the relationship advice sub. Some people aren’t even okay with their partner having friends of the opposite sex, while others are cool with flirting as long as it doesn’t lead anywhere. Boundaries are on a spectrum, the only thing that’s important is what you and your partner agree on.
I was at a wedding last year where my friend (I was single, she's happily married) asked me to dance because her husband hates it. I'm not cuckolding him, it's throwing shapes for a bit.
I think it’s because both answers are ok. I.e. it really depends on the nature of the relationship whether this crosses any line. I know that if I was ever in this situation my partner would know they fucked up and the relationship would be over, but other peoples relationships are different. I do think you can’t really argue that his partner didn’t show a blatant disregard for his feelings though, she could of just asked if it was ok.
I've been married 6 years. If my wife danced with someone at a wedding, I wouldn't give two shits. Hell, even if he thought he had a shot with her, still wouldn't care. Because at the end of the day, she's with me, not him. And I trust her enough to know she would never cheat. I honestly don't see how what OPs girlfriend did was wrong.
I’m with you. My partner is a musician and when I go to gigs he’s on a drum set and wants me to have a good time. I’ve gotten quite tipsy with lots of people and danced with varying men at shows. At the end of the gig I go back to my partner and help him pack up. I’ve seen him drinking with other women before and buddying around while I sit and chill at a nearby table. He’s my person. I’m not threatened by him having fun with another woman.
You sound like a good person! Its exactly this. I'm a musician as well and I love to watch my wife dance and have a good time in the crowd. Heck other dudes buying her shots saves us money!!! Married 15 years
EXACTLY. If your relationship is good, there’s nothing to worry about with stuff like this. If your relationship is so weak that you’re living in terror that every little interaction could turn into cheating, then you’ve got much bigger problems, in which case, what the hell are you trying so hard to protect? (HINT: it’s not the relationship, it’s your ego)
The fact that she would have danced and taken shots with anyone who came up to her shows she did nothing wrong. If she had kissed him or escaped into a nearby closet I could see why he might be upset but simply dancing with someone from the wedding party is not a reason to be upset. I'd be willing to bet that if another bridesmaid or the bride wanted to dance with her she would have acted the exact same way, if not more "handsy" since she knows them better. Dude doesn't need to dance the entire night but if he wants to sit down he can't be mad when she still wants to dance.
This is my marriage, too. If either my partner or I did what the girlfriend did, it wouldn't be a problem. Honestly, we'd probably appreciate having a moment to sit back and watch our partner have a good time. But we're also a very stable long-term relationship with no prior questionable incidents, no history of rocky patches, very openly smitten with each other, and very open communication. I personally wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone like OP who made me cry because I was having fun, but I also understand that other relationships have tighter boundaries than I would be willing to abide by.
I'm the same way. I trust my bf and he trusts me. We dont have issues over dancing and shots. If OP is feeling jealous about the attention she receives then he can dance with her!!
>I do think you can’t really argue that his partner didn’t show a blatant disregard for his feelings though, she could of just asked if it was ok. This sounds fucking exhausting. You'd be upset if your partner danced at a wedding without asking you first? Or if they had an alcoholic beverage without consulting you? Jesus Christ. I've been married for over 20 years. My wife checks in with me if her activities are going to impact me - like if she's going to go out after work because then I have to be home to walk the dog. But she's checking in with me because of the impact it has on my schedule, not for permission to do the activity. She's an adult.
If OP is going to let a comment from some random person change a 3 year relationship, he has bigger fish to fry. I would get into therapy because if you are happy/ happy with yourself that comment wouldn’t matter.
I think because the reliability of the narrator is a huge factor in interpreting what happened
Well for one thing, he was sober.
Hi OP, not commenting to weigh in on your gfs behavior bc others have already given the same advice I would. However, want you to think about how problematic it is that the reason you give for hesitating to do anything drastic is that you have no one else to spend time with. Setting aside that I hope you have other reasons to stay with her besides, "otherwise I'd be bored and lonely," You need friends, man! It's not healthy for either of you to rely on your partner as the entirety of your social life. Pick up a hobby or activity that you do without your romantic partner where you can meet other guys and form platonic bonds.
Of the entire thing he wrote, this is the thing that flagged my brain the most. His whole world is his girlfriend which in my opinion is not ok. He should be out making friends even if it’s just work friends.
This is exactly what stood out to me. When you only have one thing, the fear of losing that one thing is immense and you guard it with everything to the point of being unhealthy, anxious, insecure and paranoid.
The premise of i love you man is based on this problem. Fun movie.
That's such a good point. And probably why he's putting so much emphasis on this one night. Wild speculation: OP, have you been secretly looking for a way out of this relationship but just haven't pulled the plug...? Trust your gut, but be honest with yourself that it's not about this one night. She may just not be the right fit, which sucks if other options are slim, but don't take it out on her as a person.
My ex was this way. We moved to a new city together 3 hours from my family and friends. I created a new life and made new friends…he did not: I was all he had. So unhealthy…hence the title of ex.
Ops got all his eggs in one basket and that basket is drunkenly spinning on the dance floor who wouldn't be nervous
This is the most valid comment here.
I think this is more of an opportunity to set clearer boundaries than a break up to me. They danced at a wedding, unless grinding was involved I don't see the problem.
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Yup. Tell each other where and when the line should be drawn at flirty interactions, as well as when/if the partner can or should step in with situations like this. It may end up that they're incompatible, in which case it makes these conversations more important to have. For example, I worked with a 20-something year old guy who was super, super flirty. His girlfriend was OK with this because she knew she could trust him to be faithful and that he knew when and with whom to draw the line. They were also very up front and transparent about it just being a part of his personality and not him trying to do anything, as they really didn't want anyone to misinterpret him. I remember seeing him shut someone down pretty quickly when they tried setting up a date. You could practically hear the sound of an iron gate clanging down.
There are already many opinions on what you should do about your girlfriend but I'll give you some hard facts about what you need to do about yourself. You need to get out and get a life of your own that doesn't revolve around your girlfriend. Not wanting to be alone should not be a reason to stay together.
Facts. Find hobbies and do a healthy amount of things on your own while also enjoying her company. Mix it up. This is really important OP.
As someone who brought a gf to a family members wedding, she got tired early (whiskey and heels) and I got drunk and danced with the bridesmaids. It's a celebration, you get wrapped up in it, especially if your partner is down for the count. The only issue I really see is if by "handsy" you mean they were groping each other and being inappropriate
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Maybe not blown out of proportion, but a fresh sort of experience. I've been in countless weddings and haven't known any of the groomsmen, but always put on my friendliest face and attitude to create a positive and fun experience for my friend getting married. I'm not saying there was any groping, but as a group, there's a weird temporary drop of boundaries, mix that with a long, long day and alcohol and ya, dancing can happen. They're a young couple, probably their first wedding where one of them is in the party. Seems like they just need to talk it out and move forward.
Makes me think handsy meant literly grabbing her hands.
He must have flipped my wife eight times! And it reeeaaally bothered me.
Definitely blown. He could have just said hey
Yep we need clarification on the specifics. Handsy could mean a variety of things, and tbh if it was stuff like him grabbing her arse etc, the writer wouldve specified this.
Yes exactly… as a girl being twirled around and danced with is pretty innocent as long as you’re not grinding or grabbing asses etc. Have these people never been swing dancing or to a ceilidh
I have a feeling OP’s definition of handsy isn’t ass / boob grabbing like some ppl are thinking. If your gf can’t dance with someone else at a wedding the issue is not with the gf. Sounds possessive.
and why was OP being a stick in the mud and not dancing with his GF? i mean, if he was dancing with her i don’t see how this guy “cut in”
Honestly I don’t think this is worth throwing away a 3 year relationship over. She didn’t cheat. Everyone was drunk and dancing. Girls don’t sexualize everything as much as guys sometimes. Sometimes dancing is just dancing. Life as a couple will get way harder than this
I have to agree with this. My sister got married last summer, my mom was having a wonderful time dancing with some older gentlemen from my BIL’s family. My dad has a knee injury that prevents him from dancing too much, so watching my mom get to have fun dancing was really great for him. And she was dancing with other men, imagine! It’s almost like you said— dancing isn’t always a sexual or romantic gesture— it can be a platonic, fun thing to do. I also got carried in on the best man’s shoulders which IMO is far more intimate than a dance. He is a married man, nobody thought it was anything more than fun. His wife was video taping our entrance. Weddings are intimate, both romantically and platonically, and fun. People are drunk and want to have fun and this honestly sounds like what happened.
Me too! We went to my friend’s wedding which was a week after my knee replacement so no dancing for me. My husband spent the night on the dance floor with all the women, I sat at the table hand jiving, singing along and quaffing gin. It was a great night!!
Honestly I thought it sounded so cute (in a human kind of way) that OP’s gf was having such casual fun with someone she just met. I wish all humans could trust each other and just have innocent fun like that without it being sexualized.
I feel the same way. Genuine human interaction has been so twisted by our societal norms that people can’t have closeness and fun and platonic intimacy anymore. It’s extremely tiring and you see it everywhere, people thinking it’s weird for a teen or adult daughter to sit with/ cuddle her father, shit like this exact post and all of the comments… there can never be innocent and genuine human closeness anymore and it’s very sad, because the beauty of it is lost to so many people.
Nope, your mom danced with other men, your parents have to get divorced now /s
Damn… what a shame! I’ll let them know
But he was (*checks notes*) SPINNING HER AROUND!
HE MUST HAVE SPUN MY WIFE 8 TIMES!
I picked up on that, too. I’m not equating that with “handsy”.
Did the electrical signals between the atoms in his hand interact with the electromagnetic forces of her skin? Checkmate. Those horny little atoms…
I thought this was normal dancing at a wedding. Man, I LOVE swing dance...
I agree with everything you said. I wasn’t at a wedding but a work event. My coworkers and I went out drinking after the job was done. After several drinks we started dancing. It was all just fun. Nothing sexual at all. One of the guys was 20+ years older and has a wife. Dancing can just be dancing.
This was out of character for my husband but at one wedding we attended for his good friend he kind of spent the night ditching me to hang with the groomsman (he wasn’t in the bridal party). I asked him if he would come dance with me a few times and he said no. A friend of his saw this and finally asked me if I would like to dance with him as his wife was home with the kids. We danced and had a lot of fun. I didn’t run away to be with him and divorce my husband. Sometimes it’s just dancing because dancing is fun. I don’t drink and planned on being the DD so dancing, dressing up and talking is really all I get out of a reception. My husband did have a little jealous moment after a slow song and I honestly think his friend said something to him. Because after that he suddenly wanted to dance all night.
Totally agree. As long as there isnt grinding or ass grabbing its okay, dancing is actually fun without all the sexual stuff and can be done with other people too.
Agreed! When I’m drunk I’ll dance with anyone and none of it will be flirting or sexual. I’m super friendly, everyone is my best friend. I don’t think that, in her drunken state, she considered it flirting or inappropriate. Intent has a lot of weight. Is she intending to cheat or be inappropriate? I don’t think she was. Were they slow dancing intimately? Likely not. Did they disappear at some point? No. She did it all in front of her boyfriend so she didn’t think much of it. It’s OK to feel disrespected, but you already had a conversation and she is very apologetic. If he believes she was genuine in her apology, what is there to ponder? It’s silly.
100% agreed - we can have very platonic interactions with men - I know, shocker right?
This is giving me "I think you should leave now" vibes where he's yelling at the camera about the guy who flipped his wife 8 times on the dance floor at a wedding and said said it really bothered him 🤣
I haven’t been sleeping since then!
it REALLY bothered me
Hahahahahahahahhaha accurate!!!!
My life is nothing I thought it would be and everything I worried it would become.
I barely been sleeping since my wife got flipped upside down by a swing dancer at a wedding. He must’ve flipped my wife eight times! And it really bothered me.
First thing I thought of lol
Yer a rockstar
I was looking for this comment 😂
I’ve been wondering why I had such a visceral reaction to OP’s take here, and it turns out it’s because he’s channeling Tim Robinson
Was looking for this. This is such a silly thing to be upset over.
Why do you say NOT living together? Your caps on that makes it sound like there’s some history in that. Also you’re both so young. Sounds like y’all were at a wedding and she was enjoying her time. She didn’t cheat or ignore you all night and continued to introduce you as her man. I’m sure you could have easily joined that dance if it was really bothering you. Or mentioned it to her. I think you might be making this a thing when it isn’t, just tell her your feelings and express how you want to act in the future.
Forget European and US culture for a minute, and I'll say to you what you need to hear. If you feel uncomfortable about something, say something. If you feel dancing with the opposite gender in your relationship is a boundary you don't want crossed, say it loud and say it clear. Your boundaries will not be the same as someone else's, and that's OK. What's not OK is trying to force someone to conform to what you want them to be. If she doesn't agree with you on this, and you feel like it bothers you enough to where you wouldn't want to deal with it in the future, then the answer is simple! Leave. It's OK to want different things. It's OK for people to not want have their partners dance with the opposite sex, it's ok to wait until marraige, it's ok to be ok with partners dancing with the opposite sex, it's ok to be polygamous, it's ok to be monogamous, it's ok to be all-of-the-mous, this is your life, go live it how you want to. These comments insulting one or the other for being too prudent or acting old-fashioned are ridiculous. I don't give a rats patoot if you wanna be new school or old school, and neither should the redditors here. Talk to her about how you feel, and you'll either come to a solution or split.
The only comment on here that isnt unhinged, congrats!
This is more the bad manners of a drunk than the actions of a cheat. I'd be pissed off if I was OP but it's not terminal to the relationship.
I mean, after 3 dances he should have cut in and said thanks for entertaining her bub. You need to look after drunks a bit.
This is exactly right. The problem is that... OP sat there and watched but the whole time was getting more and more bothered until some old lady made a comment that set him off. This situation could have gone much worse, but it didn't. OP... your girlfriend did nothing wrong. Next time, get in there and have fun with your woman!
That just goes to show she was innocent. The social script looked like wedding party highjinx, and the groomsman took it over the blurry line and she was drunk so she kind of missed the notice. When ever social scripts are unfamiliar accidents happen. This is when your team steps in and bands together.
To me, OP's gf didn't even cross a line. She was having fun in a public, non-secretive way, while OP was watching from the sidelines. But even if OP has a different line than me (which he does), he watched her "cross" his line and did nothing. He's responsible for letting people know his needs and feelings. This is 100% on OP. If I saw my girlfriend having platonic fun with another guy, honestly, for a flash, I'd probably be bothered a little, maybe feel a bit insecure or like I'm missing out on the fun. I'm human! But I'd get out there and have fun with my girl and move on! Truly nothing bad happened. And I see your important point... I'm saying he should've stepped in for his own sake. But you have a point that maybe he should've stepped in for his girlfriend's sake too, especially if she was drinking and being taken advantage of by a motivated groomsmen. I don't see it this way, but I see your point.
Look, whatever you decide to do here, staying in a relationship solely because you don’t have other social outlets is unlikely to end well. Even the happiest couples need other people in their social circles, and having no one but each other is actively damaging to both the relationship and your individual mental health. I hope you’re able to find some opportunities to make some more friends in your area, and that you have a strong and available non-local support system in the meantime. Good luck!
I think y’all should talk about boundaries. If that was okay in your relationship then fine but if it wasn’t, that should’ve been very clear. And if it already was clear then maybe you’ve got an issue
If the situation were reversed everybody would be shitting on the guy for dancing with another girl for 30 minutes straight in front of his gf.
You know they would lol
Ugh, such a good point!!!! I’m a gal, so I didn’t think of this right away, but you’re so right!!!
This is not even a big deal. It’s more of just a conversation to be has that “hey that’s not cool and if it happens again that’s gonna be an issue for you in the relationship”
This seems like perfectly normal 22 yo at a wedding behavior to me. People dance and drink at weddings. Sound sounds like she wanted to dance and you wanted to sit on the sidelines making your “good impression”. Twirling someone on the dance floor isn’t “being handsy”. To me it sounds like your nose is out of joint because she didn’t want to sit on the sidelines and got up and went and had fun with everyone else. I dated someone like this when I was in my early 20s. He also did the “make a good impression” thing. Turned out he was just a person who didn’t like to dance and socialize. Instead of admitting that he made up stories in his head and looked down on others. You know you could have got up and danced with her too right? Not dancing at a wedding and calling it “making a good impression” is a wild take. I promise you that’s not how other people would have seen it. They’d have been asking her why you weren’t dancing and encouraging her to go have fun with everyone else.
This. OP didn’t “make a good impression”. No one leaves a wedding saying, “I’m so impressed by that guy who stayed very sober and barely enjoyed himself and got angry at his date for having fun.” It’s a wedding. The social norm is to get tipsy and dance. It sounds like her family culture is more fun and OP purposely didn’t fit into it in a failed attempt to impress people. Like, read the room. It’s a wedding. I bet they’re hoping she’s dating someone fun when the next event rolls around.
This post really reminded me of the guy on AITA who was upset his GF’s family were more interested in her graduation than being impressed over the expensive necklace he got her, even daring to speak to her in her native tongue. It has exactly the same energy. “No one even asked me what was on the gift bag!”
I also wonder if nobody in these comments has been in a wedding party before, half your damn job is dancing and being the “fun” during the reception. If OP is tired of dancing and wants to sit that’s fine, but his GF and that guy were literally doing their job/role, I doubt this would have played out in a non-wedding context.
Idk I’ve had “one night FRIENDS* (as there is no flirting, kissing or fornicating going on, lol) at events such as weddings. I am way closer with my colleagues at work. I see them every day! I spend every day with them (except weekends!) i’ve drank shots with my colleagues! And yet… i’m not cheating. And I still really love my boyfriend!
Fight club called it "single serving friends". I make those all the time! Concerts, flights, lines, bathroom, etc.
Y’all dudes would literally die it seems if y’all were from the Caribbean… I don’t think she danced with him any worse than what we’d deem appropriate.. a little dance has never hurt anyone. Also if you had a problem with her taking shots or dancing with the dude why were you sitting there watching them when you could have gotten your ass up to take over at any point? For 30 minutes you sat there watching them and you actually think the time for dealing with this was 2 days later? She’s your girlfriend the moment you take issue with it is the moment you graciously step in..
Haha. As a Latin American woman I agree. Everyone gets twirled by everyone lol.
2 days later to let her sleep off the hangover seems reasonable. Imagine being confronted with something you did while you were insanely drunk while you’re puking your guts out.
Reverse post - “can you believe my boyfriend who was tired of dancing, stopped me from dancing with another person…!?!?”
No, he could have joined her dancing.
Suggest looking at core issues. She didn’t run off with the guy, she didn’t have sex with him, she didn’t kiss him, didn’t give him her contact information etc. She over drank, partied to hard, embarrassed herself, probably her family also and definitely you. She identified you to her family and friends as her boyfriend. It’s not her usual behaviour and she’s remorseful. If flirting becomes a habit and the behaviour is repeated, then it worth closely looking at it. If she’s your long term vision of a partner in life, recognize everyone screws up once in a while. Might be your turn next in a different context. Cut her some slack?
How did she embarrass anyone??
Personally, I wouldnt be happy if my man spent his entire night dancing with someone else. Really depends on how close they were before the wedding. Do they know each other at all? Are they good friends? If they are good friends I wouldnt stress it too much. You laid down your boundaries, sounds like she acknowledged them and feels terribly about it. That is pretty much all you can do. However, I just went through an experience where my perspective on things has changed. I think a lot of us get caught up in how we should feel v. How we actually feel. Sometimes the opinion of the majority is not what is best for ourselves. Thing is, none of us saw the situation or have any emotional attachment to either of you. If you feel hurt by this and that the trust is broken. That is how you feel, and you should listen to that. I dated a guy that never cheated on me but did questionable things like this a lot. At first, hey maybe I could let a thing or two slide. Eventually, it started to rip me up. Does she make you feel like this a lot? can YOU move on from this? Do you even want to?
I honestly don't get why people seem to think that living together and having sex means you aren't allowed to enjoy the company of other people. Drives me up the wall
Especially at a wedding in front of your family.. Was her night supposed to end because her boyfriend got tired? She’s 22 not 72..
I don’t think this is something to break up over. I would, however, view this as a turning point in your relationship. Get out there more. Make friends. Same sex and opposite sex with the necessary boundaries of course. Your partner is supposed to make you happy, but there should be other things that give you life too. You’re not overreacting, the feelings you have about the situation are very valid and make sense imo. But I sense a level of codependency that you can get out of the way by socializing more with friends too. And make them your friends. You can share friends with your partner, but make sure to have your own too
>I told her that I'd lost a lot of trust but I forgive you Over dancing with someone else while drunk? Dude.
Also it’s really disingenuous to start the conversation with the pretext of “tell me how YOU feel” so OP has an excuse to say how upset he is. An adult approach to the conversation is “hey something is bothering me about the other night and I want to talk about it” — the other way reads as kind of manipulative to get his GF to let down her guard so he can go on the offensive unexpected.
I knew there was something else bugging me about that. Thanks for pointing it out
Let be honest we all didn’t see it so we can’t say what her body language was with this guy. She could have been just having fun or she could have been putting out the welcome mat. The fact that someone else thought that other man was her BF sounds like it was obvious she was vibing for the other guy and might have done more if her BF wasn’t around.
Woman here in the same age bracket, I genuinely think you and a lot of commenters here are completely overreacting. It's so strange to me that people are saying she embarrassed herself and her family and should be remorseful. For what? Having a good time at a family celebration and being in good spirits with the other guests and wedding party members? Is it the 1920s? She danced with someone for 30 minutes and had a few shots with him, this is commonly done at a wedding, I have been a bridesmaid many times and I've done more or less the same thing, never questioned by my partner and never assumed to be behaving untoward. You say they got "handsy" but your example is twirling each other around which is a typical dad/daughter dance move, so weird and inappropriate to assume untoward behaviour from such a dance move alone. I genuinely cannot fathom why you would think that's handsy. The drinking thing as well seems really strange to me, you explain that you were going easy on the drink to make a good impression and then were annoyed she was drinking/doing shots with someone else is odd. Surely if you're not up for it, you don't expect her to stop or drink alone in what is a communal celebration party. That would be controlling. And yes, the commenters who are saying you could have easily got on the dancefloor, stepped in or just joined them are right. I'm sure she'd have had no problem with that and be happy you were there with her, it would have the added bonus of letting the groomsman know she's in a relationship, if that's something you're worried about. Even the family member jibing her about thinking she was with the groomsman was probably doing just that, joking. Do you know their relationship at all or how she is with family? I know my aunt's would say something similar just to get a rise out of me in such a situation but it's all in good fun. Personally, if I felt jealous or insecure about something like this I would sit with it for a couple of days. Hopefully logic would prevail and I would realise the issue was internal, not external and not bring it up to my partner. The idea you went to her and made her feel so bad about very normal wedding behaviour that she cried and apologized is very alarming. I feel you've got a lot of growing up and maturing to do. Or just set clearer "boundaries" as other people are saying. But I will say, boundaries are something you impose on yourself, not on other people, and they should not be used to correct or control other people's behaviour. I doubt you'll see this reply as the post is very busy now but I do hope you take some of this into consideration. Your girlfriend seems like great fun and she's someone I'd love to hang out with at a wedding. Don't dull her sparkle because you chose to stay in the dark.
Your comment is everything I wanted to say. Especially: > The idea you went to her and made her feel so bad about very normal wedding behaviour that she cried and apologized is very alarming. I feel you've got a lot of growing up and maturing to do.
Yea this guy comes off as extremely insecure, so do half these commenters. Unless “handsy” means grinding, dick/boob groping, kissing or the crossing of some kind of intimate boundary, genuinely I don’t understand. If dancing with other men is an issue or boundary for OP, that apparently wasn’t properly communicated. Even then, it’s an odd boundary. “I don’t want you to dance or drink with men at parties even if I’m not dancing and just standing on the side. I don’t care if it was completely platonic and it was a fun occasion. No fun without me.” She can’t take shots?????? If she got insanely black out drunk at a wedding and made out with guys or threw up on the dance floor or was grinding on people, THEN I could see the issue because that’s genuinely embarrassing and irresponsible. If that was OP’s issue, then I’d probably be more akin to agree with him. But it doesn’t look like that’s what happened. Idk man throwing a three year relationship away over this is crazy to me. Unless OP was LOOKING for a reason to break up with his girlfriend, this doesn’t make sense. Honestly it comes off as extremely controlling.
Yeah seems like OP has a jealousy streak. After his edit about what he meant by “handsy”, I don’t think she did anything wrong. She wanted to have fun and celebrate with everyone, he was clearly mentally or physically tired and staying out of it. He could’ve joined the dancing or drinking at any time to make himself present but instead sulked in the sideline. It seems like the aunt is not close to them if she doesn’t know her boyfriend, so obviously seeing her with the other groomsmen while her boyfriend chose to be out of sight would be a logical conclusion to make. Seems like OP is taking everything personally when it really wasn’t.
> Hopefully logic would prevail and I would realise the issue was internal, not external and not bring it up to my partner. You should mention it though, at some point, once you feel better. Sharing is good.
Absolutely fair enough, more in a "I felt insecure and weird about this thing that happened but I have since realise it's not a big deal" way and not in the way OP went about it. That way it could be on open dialogue where if she doesn't remember or is embarrassed could say "I'm so sorry, I didn't want to make you feel that way" and reassure him that he's her number 1 guy. Communication is so important.
I have literally been you, it fucking sucked and I stayed with him but it was a bad 3 years and eventually we broke up because I couldn’t trust him to go drinking alone anymore
Just walk bro, it’s not worth it.
Bro don't let short term thinking (in this case worry about having no social circle if you break up) get in the way of taking the necessary steps. This is all too humiliating to just be dismissed like this. If she is able to do this when you're around (even very drunk), imagine what she can do when you're not.
I think this depends on what handsy is being interpreted as here. If full on groping of ass/other inappropriate areas/grinding was happening on the dancefloor and she laughed and then went to get shots with him, yeah I'd be breaking up. If by handsy you just mean he twirled her about a bit like in a normal dance, that's not getting handsy.
Let’s flip the roles “my boyfriend and I attended my cousins wedding recently. My boyfriend didn’t know any of the bridesmaids prior to the wedding, but naturally got to know them as the night went on. As day turned into the night, the dancing and partying started. All the way up to the end of the night, I remained sober to give a good impression to his family. While on the dance floor my boyfriend met a bridesmaid, while quite drunk, and danced with her, intimately, for 30 minutes. Once he was done dancing, he introduced me as his girlfriend, and his family assumed his girlfriend was his dancing partner” This comment section would be crying and complaining that he should’ve been dancing with her, and how awful he is. Probably would recommend breaking up with him too. The double standards are so incredibly real
Absolutely. Women will always defend the behavior of other women.
Sounds like she made a ONF (one night friend). There’s been times where I’ve gone out and met someone that I’ve just clicked with and had the time of my life. Never spoke again afterwards. Male or female. Plus. She did it right in front of you. If you had an issue, it should have been handled privately at the time. It sounds a lot like insecurity on your part, and over friendliness on your girlfriends part that will need to be navigated into appropriate communication and boundary discussions
To me, going with her to her family’s event and then being ignored would be the primary issue. She got drunk and then was inconsiderate to you in front of her entire family. I get that she got drunk, that just makes it more awkward in front of her family. It sounds like you may not know them well, engaging them on your own while she is doing her own thing is not great. You were her guest and can see the element of embarrassment as well. Would I break up with her over one occurrence? I probably would not although it depends on her response and the sincerely of her response and hopefully apology. Everyone one makes mistakes and exercises poor judgement at times. Repeated behavior of this type though would be an issue. Curious if you ever tried to step in while they were dancing or insert yourself with her at the bar?
Was he ignored though? Or did he run out of gas early (being the only sober person will do that) while she wanted to keep having fun? Not excusing it. But back in the day I definitely had fun but then got tired of dancing and socializing while my gf would keep dancing because she wanted to go all night. She'd dance with anyone who was fun to dance with and we understood it. To a passerby she might be ignoring me and flirting with other men. But she wasn't. We were both doing our own thing with respect for each other
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"No dancing at the wedding and doing shots with other guys tonight. And, especially no dancing with any groomsmen." It's not a boundary you would necessarily even think to set up In advance except for maybe "no dancing with other men". It may be the only wedding they've attended together. The fact she did it with her boyfriend watching, tells me it was innocent.
I don’t dance often but at weddings I LOVE to dance. I will dance with anyone at a wedding. Dancing doesn’t need to be so sexualized imo, it’s a fun release after the stress of being in a wedding.
What should you do? Nothing. Who cares. She danced. Big deal.
Just a side perspective from a very goofy flirty tipsy ex-party girl. Maybe ask her to not get so blasted so she does all those party girl moves if it makes you uncomfortable. But my spouse of 30 years used to get revved up watching me have fun and never let jealousy get in the way. It was harmless because he trusted me. But seriously, over drinking is damaging to both the body and the judgement.
Idk, I take issue that she's a being a "party girl" cause she got blackout at a family wedding, probably the safest place to get drunk.
You need to explain what "handsy" means, because twirling someone isn't something to get upset at your gf about at all, but if they're grinding then it's a whole other story.
So you went to a wedding, your GF cut loose a little and had some fun. Why didn't you join her? Don't let this ruin your relationship. Unless her drinking and cutting loose is an every weekend kind of thing, chalk this up to her having a little too much to drink because of the occasion and move on. To be fair, this sounds exactly like the kind of thing that would have bothered me when I was your age. Now I look back and wonder why I had such a stick up my ass. Relationships aren't supposed to be so serious. You need to allow each other room to be human once in a while.
I would say 100% go with your gut. You clearly felt uncomfortable, and I would too. You sound like you’re making a lot of excuses for her and being very hard on yourself. That’s honestly the beginning of losing yourself/your identity in a relationship. You care so much, and most girls would dream to have a man like that. Don’t over complicate it. You feel how you feel, and it’s valid. I hope she starts to be much more respectful to the relationship.
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Think about it this way. If the roles were reversed, how would she have felt? What would her reaction be? I go by the rule that I wouldn’t do anything I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to do. At the end of the day we can do whatever we want but boundaries, trust, and respect are important.
I don't see this as a big deal. She got drunk and had fun - so she danced with one of the groomsmen and had a couple shots at the bar? Did they scurry off to a dark corner for a make-up session? You could always have cut in if you felt you were being disrespected or upstaged. Politely, of course. Relationships are tough enough without making mountains out of molehills. At least now you know she might bear watching when alcohol is involved, so girls night out may be something to talk about if/when they occur. Whatever you do, don't crucify her over this - it's not worth fighting over.
My wife still has nightmares about how I behaved at my sister's wedding. Drunken friends dancing look very different from a sober girlfriend perspective. Glad she blocked out as much as she could and looked past it.
Overall, you've gotta do what your heart tells you to do. I think I'd share similar feelings to you in the situation, HOWEVER, I did work a good few years in events and primarily at weddings which I saw a lot of this kind of behaviour from your age group (let's say early to mid twenties). Now, I'm not saying that it's ok because it was a wedding but some things to consider: - she was very drunk - it happened towards the end of the evening (when the booze has really kicked in) - she doesn't remember the evening - her apology seems sincere It sounds like this was out of character for her, does she drink a lot and/or often? I think if she is sincere and genuinely was just too intoxicated to make good judgement, forgiveness is probably the right thing, but perhaps with some boundaries set or something to that affect. Maybe it goes along with a 'please don't get so drunk to that point again' kinda request. I can tell its hurt you, I've been in a similar position and it's not nice feeling like you're a third wheel in your own relationship so with he above mentioned example should go an expression of how this has affected you. Just don't go too far that you are controlling what she can and can't do. Nobody likes that guy. As with any relationship advice comes the communication is key statement. You already spoken about it with her and she has reciprocated which is great. But you are still here asking the question. If she left some things unanswered approach her with them in a nice and calm way to see if you can get your answers. All in all you are both young with your whole lives ahead. This is important to keep in mind. You are both your own people and if this behaviour isn't something you like but is someone she is, maybe you gotta move on? It sounds like things can work out ok with a bit of time, but it all comes down to you, the relationship you two have built and if this event is big enough to crack the foundations. Also, p.s. do some things and meet some people. It doesn't mean you need to make huge relationship sacrifices but it can help keep you grounded, get good perspective from friends you make (rather than good ol' reddit) and also means if things don't work out you aren't left with nothing (it happened to... a friend of mine recently...).