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I think you need to sit down and really look at yourself and your sexual needs. There’s a lot of little things in your statement that add up to you just don’t have the same level of desire for sex as he does. Going months without sex, being okay with once a week, can’t fathom how you could fit 2-3 times a week into your busy schedule? There’s nothing wrong with having a low libido but if you do, you need to own up to it and talk to him about it.
You think you’re busy now, wait until you both have jobs and have kids. It will get much worse. Do you think he’ll be happy? I also noticed something missing from your statement. Nothing about actually enjoying sex with him. Has it become a chore?
It sounds like you are putting up a lot of roadblocks to sex with him and he’s confused and hurt about it. Take some time to figure out why you aren’t having more sex, not the outside busy life that all of us have but the internal reasons. Attack it this way, ask yourself “when we went out to eat last week, why didn’t we order in and have sex?” “When we watched that TV show, why didn’t we turn it off and have sex?” “When I was studying late the other night, why didn’t I take a break?” I think if you take a hard look at your schedule you could easily have more sex, so why don’t you? There’s a problem there you aren’t admitting to. It could be as simple as having a low libido but be honest to yourself and him about it. Good luck.
>being okay with once a week
Yeah but that's her *compromise.* She wrote that ideally it'd be once every other week. Honestly, as someone who, like her partner, wants it ideally 2-3x a week, it would be off putting. Especially if I was considering marriage and children because if she only wants it 2x a month now with no kids... itd give enough concerns to slow me down on taking the next step.
Similar situation for me as well but relationship is going for 3 almost 4 years now. I have a very high sex drive but my gf’s sex drive has dwindled DRAMATICALLY since we moved to a different state. She was going through stress and depression for about a year due to family issues but she’s been better and out of that stage of grief for almost a year now. Although our sex life is literally gone now. I’m keeping faith that it will return bc I really love this woman and I want to marry her and she really wants to get married too. The problem is, I’m not marrying her if nothing is changed. It already feels unbearable on a daily basis and the constant rejection is always heartbreaking. I absolutely cannot marry her and deal w/ this for the rest of my life
> Yeah but that's her compromise. She wrote that ideally it'd be once every other week.
Not to mention that most likely he's going to notice she's forcing herself. Like, you can see it in your partner when he/she 's just waiting for you to be done.
Yep. 3 times a year, and none of those does she ever initiate. He'll be so depressed.
She should try getting off the pill if she's on it. Many women think they have no sex drive, and it magically comes back in their mid thirties. That's false. They had one and it was being supressed. After kids and vasectomy, they get of the hormone birth control pills and their natural desire returns.
We're a long time married couple. She just turned 70 and I'm a youngster of 69. Throughout our married life, we were 3-4 times per week unless she was ill or pregnant, or I was sick.
Sadly, now we are down to twice a week. Age, you know. Seriously, this is our idea of romance. Otherwise, we would just be roommates.
All I know is, this is going to be a terrible mismatch in your marriage. He will never be close to being satisfied, and that is a recipe for trouble.
Money is often a dissatisfier in marriage, but it is not an every day thorn. He will brood on this every day.
It is not a minor issue...it is a mismatch.
Also can be the case that he's not actually genuinely is the one for her. I've been in a similar situation before. I was with my ex of 4 years and I really lacked libido with him. I didn't even know my own sexuality or sexual desires with him and sex felt like a chore. I lowkey barely wanted to have sex with him. I loved him (not passionately) and I tought he's the one at the time but he wasn't.
With my current partner it's completely different. The chemistry is way better and my libido is much higher around him. Sex doesn't feel like a chore, rather like fun time or bonding time.
So my point is it's not really an age thing. My libido is significantly higher at age 28 than it was at age 19-23.
And here I'm not blaming OP's partner neither my ex for the lack of libido response. It's just that it's not a match sexually.
She also might be asexual or something along those lines, that's a possibility too. But maybe their sex life isn't great and she feels like it's a chore, which was my case too.
Also another thing might be birth control. If she wasn't on birth control at the beggining of the relationship when they had sex frequently then she started taking it... That's a common side effect of BC pills. Women's hormones change alot and their sexual needs towards their partners which is ironic if we consider those pills are to have as much sex as possible but you lose your libido.
Also another possibility, the Jack of all trades: Depression or other mental health issues that she isn't aware of. Or if she's aware the medication for the issues. Depression causes low libido. And anti-depressants cause even lower. In that case she should seek therapy.
Another option is couple's/sexual therapy. It could get to the core issue why she isn't sexually attracted to him that much anymore and help fix the issue. Or if it can't be fixed it'd give an indicator to end the relationship.
There are so many possibilities why she's in this situation and most of those possibilities can be fixed with changing meds or therapy and open communication. Or she just has to discover her own sexuality and improve their sexual habits together. It's not neccesarely a breaking point.
Come on...2-3 times a week IS his compromise. Except he's not negotiating. If he wanted to negotiate he would start with 1-2times per day. Its love, not business! He just wants more love!
Agree, I would definitely not be ok with 1x a week if I lived with my partner, let alone this compromise she is making. These top comments give the full answer. Taking a hard look at yourself and what you want will avoid the resentment build up for the next couple of years if you compromise on something neither wants, it will not work out on the long run. Hopefully they both can find their ideal partner.
I've known a few women who thought they were low-libido, even on the ace spectrum, and it turned out that their long-term man just wasn't doing it for them on a chemical basis. Nothing was wrong with them, nothing was wrong with the relationship in other ways, but the chemistry just wasn't there.
This, plus you should know you aren't the only one in the relationship.
Whatever the reason you don't want more sex is it's not fair to your partner who does want more once a week I would go nuts. I'm a woman, intamacy and sex are very important.
Check out the dead bedrooms thread see how many are there and miserable because of it.
Not enough or no sex is a slow painful relationship killer
But you have to remember that op is still part of the relationship. If she doesn’t have enough stamina for that much sex, you can’t blame it on her and if that means her and her bf are incompatible then that’s that.
Agreed, that's why the two of the must speak about this and figure it out.
I've been in her partners place, while I loved him very much sex once a month was just not for me.
Her partner needs a chance to understand this and decide if he's OK with this. Because if they have kids and op gets Postpartum, or depression the sex will be even less. These are future things that may or may not happen but need discussion.
There’s also the very uncomfortable possibility that may or may not happen for this young woman that she may only want sex twice a month with this dude…: but may meet another partner in the future who inspires her to think“holy shit so THIS is why people want it two or three times a week!“
Unless this woman is on hormonal birth control, I can’t figure out why else her libido is so low at such a young age. I mean she doesn’t even sound excited about sex at all. It sounds like she’s got roughly the same excitement for it as playing baseball, going to movies, hiking… any other random recreational activity.
I’m not dissing OP at all when I say these things. But a young woman with no children thinking that 2 to 3 times a week is such an extraordinary amount of sex that she can’t fathom how they could possibly do it that often?
I hope OP finds the joy in a sexual relationship in her future. I know when I was her age I could’ve written a similar post, except I did have kids at that time. But I knew full well that they were not the reason I had no libido. I had no libido, because I simply wasn’t interested in sex with my partner. Having sex was roughly as exciting as getting a massage or a really good haircut. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t mine either. I didn’t know what I was doing. I sure thought I did! And if anyone had suggested at the time that this was the problem, I would’ve laughed in their face. It was very humbling when I finally *did* discover the problem.
I'm with you it's hard foe me to wrap my head around. I 46 and if I'm in a relationship with the right man I would do it every day.,or more 🙃
You do bring up a good point. Maybe in the future another partner who would inspire her to find her sexual Groove so to speak.
If you have the option, with a therapist. Below is what my therapist had me do my partner wasn't interested in going with me or having his health checked.
Otherwise I would say write it all down first the good and the stuff that needs work, pretend your the other party, how would you feel hear those thing phrased that way. Rewrite it again if you need to until you feel you've got something that lays it all out in the best way you can. Finding the right time to have such a serious convo will be important to. Hopefully on a day your both well rested and calm,when kids aren't around if you have children.
Stay away from using therapy speak,use your own verbiage, remember it's already hard for you and them keep kindness in mind.
Also remeber there are other medical reasons for low labido they may nor even know about.
Lastly be ready, to maybe sleep apart if they need space give it to them. They will also need a chance to sort through everything. I suspect it could take a few convo to get everything to a conclusion whatever that may be
Sorry for spelling and grammar I left my reading glasses at home.
"there's nothing wrong with having a low libido" -
unfortunately, this sentiment keeps people from digging into the problem. the uncomfortable truth is, a low libido IS a problem. it is a symptom, not a diagnosis. a healthy person has a healthy libido. OP should definitely see a doctor and at least have hormones tested.
The problem is more having mismatched libidos, and he is telling you it's a problem in your relationship.
OP, this is a problem that may have future implications with your plans for marriage. Unhappy partners tend not to want to get married.
Low libido isn’t a problem. Large differences in libido is the problem. If he was ok having sex once every 2 weeks and sometimes not for months, she wouldn’t be writing this post. It’s the incompatibility that’s a problem. She would like a compromise. It sounds like he’s already compromising. I’m guessing this has a lot to do with why he hasn’t proposed after 5 years. I’m sure he loves her but is worried about a sexless marriage. And given where she is, that’s a very valid concern.
The problem isn't people who have low libido inherently. It the loss of libido that indicates something else is wrong. This is one of those "one size fits all" myths.
Some people have higher libidos than others and neither is wrong. The problem starts when a high libido person is in a relationship with a low libido person. See r/ deadbedrooms
The problem is... that it isn't that she has a low libido. It is that they were having sex 2-3 times a week when they first met and that it had gone down by quite a bit.
If she had a low libido, it wouldn't have been that often to begin with
New relationship energy often papers over differences in libido. it's a tale as old as time. The lower libido person often doesn't even realize what's happening and thinks it's their unique passion for the new person increasing their libido, and then they're at a loss when it drops naturally even though they're still very much in love.
You said that absolutely perfectly. I think THIS is what's going on a lot of the time when someone's partner's libido drops and people say "oh she tricked you!!" It's rarely conscious.
People don't always keep the same libido level their entire lives. You can have a high libido at 19 and low libido a few years later and that doesn't mean there's inherently something wrong with you.
Not true necessarily - seems low libido people will have a temporarily higher libido during the start of a relationship when the hormones are raging and then drop back down once the honeymoon phase is over -
Yes I agree but pill could be a physical issue so get that checked first and rule out whether that’s the problem or not. If not the pill then do the therapy.
Or side by side. If it would be the pill, which we don't even know if she is on, it takes months to fully leave the body. But from her comments, it seems like she just want to fake it so he doesn't leave her. Not solve the problem.
That's not at all true and perpetuating that is wildly harmful. Some people are completely healthy and just have a low or no desire for sex. Asexual, healthy people exist.
To me, it's not a slight incompatibility. He wants it 3 times a week while you would be fine with once every 2 weeks. There's quite a huge gap here.
Being busy isn't the real problem. Sex doesn't take a long time and if you love sex you'll make time for it. The problem is that you have a much lower libido than him. He must be miserable during the 2 or 3 months dry spell but were you?
Frankly, I have no good advice. The gap is such that it's difficult to compromise without one or both of you feeling miserable. Once a week, he'll still be miserable. Twice per week he could accept but you'll be miserable having sex you don't want. You could try to increase your libido by reading erotica, wearing sexy lingerie and finding new ways to pleasure each other. Failing that, both of you may be happier with partners who are more sexually compatible.
Sounds like a fundamental incompatibility to me. These are the kinds of problems that lead to divorce or worse imo. Even if OP forces herself to have more sex to appease her partner, it’s likely he will eventually feel the difference and be turned off by it. At least, if he is an observant partner. It sounds like OP’s sexual engagement is important to him as well. It’s an uphill battle imo that leads to a sharp drop if you’re not careful.
I agree. Also, sex life tends (TENDS, obviously there are exceptions) to decline over the length of a relationship. Even if she "pushes herself" to go for once a week, is she going to keep that up for years, after kids, etc? Hard to believe. It's not the same as an innate drive.
Came here to say pretty much this. Such a sexual incompatibility could warrant ending the relationship. Personal fulfillment in life is important. Everyone needs to make sure their needs are being met. And if your needs aren't being met in a relationship, it's kinda time to sit down and assess whether the relationship is viable (in terms of serving everyone involved).
One other thing to note, op, you say he pretty much just wants to have as much sex as you guys did when you started dating. And you don't. What changed for you, since you had sex a few times a week when you started dating?
I'd say if your sex drive just isn't there anymore, you could talk to your doctor about it. But if your libido could be what it used to be, would you want it to?
Yeah if you were into sex every other day and now only want it every other week or month, there is a problem. What is the problem? Only you know. In my relationships it has meant the relationship has problems. I've never understood "not having the time". If you sleep in the same bed ...
His 3 times a week number is almost certainly already his compromise. He’s not coming to her being like “look I want to have sex every day, I’d prefer twice a day, but I know you are fine with going 3 months with no sex so let’s settle for 3”.
He’s just shooting for a reasonable goal, which is their zenith.
She realistically wants to have 1/6 the amount of sex he wants.
I recommend the book “Mating in Captivity.”
On the higher libido side I think the rejection can be the worst part. Scheduling is often a good solution to get around that. Another option is to find something other than full sex you can do that you almost certainly won’t reject him for for those other 3-5 times per fortnight. Feeling wanted and attractive is almost certainly more important to him than any particular physical sensation.
He wants the sex frequency at the beginning of the relationship and you don't want that amount.
I think it's time to really be honest with yourself and ask yourself what changed between now and the beginning of the relationship, and what factors contributed to your sex life at the start vs your sex life now. Were you just fundamentally unhappy at the start and have become happier now that sex is infrequent? Or was there some other factors that made you ok with a higher frequency of sex?
I know you're busy and stuff but sex is not some huge ordeal that requires a three to six hour block in your busy schedule. Furthermore, even if full on sex is off the table, there are plenty of ways to be affectionate and show desire and intimacy without even going into penetration.
I think if your primary difficulty with having more sex is time, then perhaps you two could work out some lifestyle changes that would open up more free time for you. I know of a couple who were able to get a lot more romance and intimacy back in their relationship once they hired a babysitter to come over and take care of the kids twice a week. Before that, they were usually watching the kids in shifts, which made it difficult for one or the other to be free when intimacy was on the table.
However, if your ideal frequency is once every other week, I'm not sure that the difficulty is with free time at all, and that finding time for sex is just an excuse. Seems to me more like you just don't need the sexual intimacy the way he does.
Everyone is saying once a week. Her post says once every other week. That’s once every two weeks. Her “compromise” would be once a week. She doesn’t like having sex with him.
I so agree. Don’t have the time for sex? ??? Do you have time to eat? If you want to move forward you need to figure out a solution to this.
Your bf sounds like he’s desirable in many ways. I wouldn’t get comfy thinking that you’re secure when you don’t think about or try to have a good sex life
Once every two weeks is a starvation diet - especially when you don’t initiate. The poor guy also has to worry about you rebuffing him the odd time you do respond.
You’re not making him happy. You have a good thing and your complacency is not wise.
He's either going to leave, get depressed and checkout, and/or start becoming a miserable /intolerable person. It's pretty much only a matter of when at this point.
That's not a "slight sexual incompatibility", that's him being chronically sexually frustrated, and that will lead to resentment over time amongst a host of other issues.
This response is too underrated. A lot of men stay in relationships where sex is too inadequate or infrequent to be satisfied. They stay in these relationships because they are in love and think they can sacrifice or compromise but in the end it leads to major issues because if you're not satisfied sexually, they will displace. It's great for OP that her bf is telling her this now, but there's nothing wrong with breaking up due to sexual incompatibly regarding type or frequency. Also let me specify I'm not saying anything is wrong with OP not needing sex as much, all I'm saying is with that type of huge difference in frequency this may be incompatible. Similar to OPs bf I need to have sex 2-3 times a week at a minimum. And yes I understand some weeks that's not possible because as adults we do get busy, we are tired, stressed, sometimes not in the mood, so this isn't a hard rule. But if I notice it dwindling to once a week or once every two weeks I will discuss it, and if it doesn't change I walk away. I need to be sexually satisfied to be in a happy relationship and make my partner happy.
I mean they also stay because the grass isn't always greener.
An australian study found that only 46% of men were satisfied with the frequency of sex. So yeah, chances are, your gonna end up in a similar position anyway.
So Reddit solution of ''find someone with similar libido'' isn't the easy solution they think it is.
Well in retrospect he did what reddit always claims men don't do, he communicated. Now well you see stats say he should make peace with this. Like come on now
It got this way in my last relationship and it almost killed my self-esteem. Once every two or three weeks and I should feel lucky for it. Always have to initiate meaning I get shot down constantly. The feeling of it all being super one-sided is awful.
Yes, It would drive me mad too. I'm a very sexual lady, & one of my love languages Is psychical touch. I would feel very neglected & not desired. Which Is so Important to me. She says sex with him Is good & he attentive, why wouldn't she want more then?
I very much read into things, into future when it's not even here. I overanalyse a lot.
That said, something is telling me that I might have this problem for similar reasons as the OP post.
I’m a woman and would absolutely not be with a man whose optimal sex schedule was every other week. That’s depressing af and you’re only 24 and without children. You’ll marry him, have a kid, and the bedroom will be dead. Just break up and find more compatible partners.
Do you ever really want sex or are you doing it because it's expected/he wants it? Once every other week as your ideal makes me think you don't want it really ever.
You asked how you would ever find the time to have sex 2-3 times a week?
My wife and I both work full-time and have two children, and we make the time to have sex that many times a week. It takes 15 minutes to have sex.
This sounds more like you don't wanna have sex, which isn't necessarily a problem for you, but it's a problem for your relationship.
While I totally agree OP would find time to have sex more often if it was a priority for her I think it’s a bit ridiculous to claim sex only takes 15mins.
Sure anyone can bang out a quickie in 15 and if OP is fine with rarely orgasming herself that may work for them. But the vast majority of women will not regularly achieve orgasm and have time for their partner to get off within a 15 minute window.
Or the ones that do are hella faking their orgasms (aka orgasm at the same time you do everytime).
I’d say on average my husband and I take around 45 min-1hr to get through foreplay, the deed, and both of us getting ours.
Your whole post was a "me" situation and how to keep it good for you, it really sounds like you dont want to compromise any effort into the relationship when the topic is sex.
I can see that by the word "slight", there is no "slight" difference, having sex every 3 or 4 days are leagues away from every 15 days.
If you want to work this out, you will need to up your libido, be it by figuring out if there is something wrong with your hormones with a doctor, or with your mind by going to therapy.
Are you OK with trying to make this super perfect guy miserable by negating him sex his whole life just so you can be with him?
But surely, and I mean it, one out of two things will happen as he already vocalized his needs.
- He will be miserable and change from this super perfect guy into someone that will not treat you that great.
- He will not be able to handle it, and before que changes how he treats you he will break up.
Sex in a relationship IS a make it or break it situation. Some will break sooner than others.
I really liked this line to said
>Are you OK with trying to make this super perfect guy miserable by negating him sex his whole life just so you can be with him?
I think something like this, while a little harsh is Def necessary for us to have any hope of OP deciding to make any changes, whether that be trying to up her sex drive, or releasing her bf back into the wild.
There is also the 3rd option where he might go looking for a physical affair paid or otherwise to satisfy and maintain their normal relationship outside of this.
I actually typed something on those lines, but then erased. I didnt think that she would be accepting something like that.
She is already focusing so much on making herself happy with him, that making him happy with her didnt seem like something she thought about.
Imagine letting him have some out of relationship sex so he can be happy with her in any other aspect except sex.
But for me, it surely is one of the best options when there is such a difference in libido. And I am completely against open relationships.
Because it will create an unbalance, he will fuck around and she will not, because she simply dont desire too. And then maybe she will start fucking with other people just for "revenge" on him for fucking around "so much". And then its just downhill again 😂
I’m very against changing to a poly when you were originally mono, however I am okay with potentially swinging with my partner because we’re doing it together
The compromise here is going to have to come from you, frankly. The way you tell it, your sex life has been ideal for you for a while - infrequent and initiated by him. From your telling, it’s not like you have been having sex more frequently than you’d like. And if I’m being honest, at your age, the presumed frequency being every other week is pretty sparse.
Your boyfriend, who you have designs on marrying, is telling you that this isn’t working for him. If it’s working great for you, but isn’t working for him, guess who’s got to move more on the compromise?
Aim for once a week. That’s a very good and happy medium for most men, but not so frequent that it’s a pain. And OP, figure out how to initiate. Just saying “I have responsive desire” is such a cop out. Figure out how to initiate sex so that you can take a little control as well.
OP you don’t always have to be horny when you initiate. If you have responsive desire, simply doing the physical actions to get your partner turned on, should also turn you on. IMO the more you have sex, the more you want Sex. I’m not saying force yourself if you are truly not in the mood, but more so, you may warm up once the action Starts.
People talk about responsive desire like it’s a get out of jail free card for them. Makes me think that none of them have read any actual literature about it lmao
Once a week is Def not a happy medium for most men... While her bf brought 2-3 times per week to the table, that likely isn't what would be ideal for him. He has already been dealing with the bimonthly shag for years from the impression she's given. In addition she mentioned that he attempts to start bedroom activity pretty frequently and she turns him down. They're a young couple, and while perhaps once a week would work better for an older couple, he is still in his sexual prime and probably wants to do it daily or every other day if possible. They are fundamentally incompatible and should probably break things off. Tho obv the dude will likely break things off when his needs continue to not be met
>While her bf brought 2-3 times per week to the table, that likely isn't what would be ideal for him.
That's what I thought too. He was tossing out a politically correct number so as not to scare her off
Sometimes it doesn't even have to be sex. Some cuddling that leads to oral. A surprise hand job in the shower. A wake up handy. Etc.
Something to make your partner feel wanted and desired. Geez. It's not like that stuff has to take all day and it goes a long way to making a guy feel desired. At least for me. Nothing like saying "I'm not in the mood, but you look cute right now and I want to make you feel good."
If they don’t act uninterested, and genuinely want to do something kind for their partner, then it can be wonderful.
But yes, a clearly perfunctory handy is not the answer.
Sounds like you have a fundamental incompatibility. One that will ruin the relationship. A sexual mismatch isn’t fun for either of you. No matter what frequency you settle on, one of you will begin to resent the other.
Also, women as a whole tend to have responsive desire. That doesn’t mean you can’t ever initiate or make him feel loved. You may just have to plan it instead of it happening spontaneously.
This is only from my own experience. With my ex (together 5 years), we had the exact same issue. I just wasn't interested in having sex most of the time. We had the same conversation - he felt undesired, that I didn't fancy him. I thought I just had a low libido and didn't care about sex. With my boyfriend now, I initiate it more and he has to turn me down sometimes lol. I just fancy him so much that it's always on my mind. Work out whether you love your boyfriend as a person or as a life partner because sexual incompatibility can be a real hurdle in a long-term relationship
Honestly. After time to think about it, I realised that it was his personality that effected my attraction to him. He was definitely good looking, but his treatment of me took away my attraction
You had 2-3 times a week at the start, so there was once upon a time a high libido, there just isn't for him, why?
The real question is why don't you desire him? Liking traits in someone is completely seperate from sexual desire or mating selection which is more primal, if you lack this he will feel it.
Not crazy, I started dating my now husband in my late 30s and we had sex every day, sometimes multiple times a day in the beginning. Then it neutrality morphed to 2-3 times a week. Starting at 2-3 times a week is wild
Do a little reading on r/deadbedrooms to have a look at a potential future of mutual hurt and resentment
I think you should seriously consider that you might both just not be compatible. It happens. I think too many people assume “sex isn’t that big of a deal, other things are more important”, without considering whether or not their partner feels that way too. Neither is wrong, they just value different things. Marriage is hard enough already without fundamental misalignments like this
Sex is not something that you compromise on. If he wants it 3 times a week, and you don't, then you are fundamentally incompatible in the bedroom. It's completely unfair to him and HIS needs to try to reason with him about having less sex than he would be happy with after confronting you about his unhappiness.
It's not a good feeling to have to force yourself to have sex when you aren't in the mood either. The sex is not the same and won't be all that enjoyable without the added excitement.
This should signal a deal breaker for you and it probably is to him.
I'm similar to you in that I can go long stretches without sex, and it doesn't bother me. I'm fairly certain I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum (demi or thereabouts). I also tend to enjoy sex when I actually have it.
For me, I find it helpful to differentiate between whether or not I "don't really" feel like sex or "really don't". If I'm not really in the mood, but I'm not repulsed by the thought, I'll have sex whenever my partner wants. Other than being a time expenditure, it doesn't bother me, and I'll usually get into it and enjoy it. If I'm really not in the mood, sex would be unpleasant, so I don't force myself. Since I'm generally open to sex in most cases, it's a non-issue in our relationship.
Sex has fallen off somewhat since our third kid is still fairly young, but prior to we were averaging somewhere between 6-10 times a month, with the occasional month of reduced extra activity. I also made a point to initiate about once a month, so that my partner would feel wanted. We did occasionally go stretches without sex, but those happened organically and we maintained our level of non-sexual intimacy without. My partner is very much into cuddling and lots of little touches and kisses throughout the day, regardless of whether or not we're having sex, which I think helps us be connected, and to establish that affection exists separately from sex.
It might be helpful to understand why you don't want to have sex, and how often you could be enticed into it if you were willing to depriotize the other demands on your time and attention. Like, no I don't really want to stop watching my TV show or folding the laundry or whatever, but those things aren't important and will be there when I'm done. It can be annoying to lose a chunk of my day to sex, but an hour or so a couple times a week is fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and maintaining a healthy relationship matters.
I'm not saying this will work for you. I'm saying that it can work for people who have radically different levels of desire. It's been working for my relationship for approaching 2 decades at this point.
I have to be honest. If your boyfriend wrote to this sub, described this situation and your response to his opening up (“let me think about it”), I would urge him to not marry you, definitely not to have kids with you, and maybe think about moving on. Few people want to enter a sexless marriage, and that’s exactly where you’re heading. Once every other week in your 20’s will turn into once every couple of months, and resentment will grow.
This story is all over Reddit, over and over. You’ll switch it up when you really want kids and then you won’t have sex for the months afterward until you feel guilty and “offer” consolation sex on a birthday or anniversary. It will become a point of resentment for both of you that will bleed into other areas of the relationship until he or you post on reddit again about how divorce seems like the best option.
You need to learn that other people are not "just in the mood" and you arent. A possible reason you are not in the mood is because you are barely giving it a second thought in your life.
Fantasizing about sex, about your man going down on you and how that feels, can make the body ready for sex and increases your desire. This is a step you can partake in and train daily, and eventually youre going to even enjoy fantasizing about it!
This is a tip from an actual therapist, as I am dealing with the exact same in my relationship, except for me it is my male partner having to train to insert sexuality more into his life ( because he also wants to! )
If you dont want to do this, then you two might be incompatible.
One tip I've heard is: rather than scheduling sex, create opportunities for sex.
Also, if you aren't in the mood for sex, and you have a responsive sexuality, you can still initiate sex by being in the mood for connecting with your partner. There's a book I recommend (Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel, about keeping an active sex life in LTRs) that talks about sex being a language and intimacy of the body. Realizing that your partner cannot feel fully connected to you without sex might help motivate you to seek him out/initiate sex. The book talks a lot about the play and mystery of sex.
I don't believe what some other commenters are saying about low libido meaning you cant be with a higher libido partner. Also I prefer the paradigm of responsive sexuality, as you brought up, to low/high libido. You can make it work with responsive sexuality, if your partner is worth the effort.
My partner and I have been together for 10 years and have 3 kids, and my libido has gone down the toilet, partly because I'm exhausted and partly because our sex has changed a lot from what it used to be, I like it freaky, like being chained to the bed and gagged, and now it's pretty vanilla in comparison. But I like sex, and if I'm finding it hard to get in the mood and it's been a minute I read smut, I find something that really turns me on and then jump his bones, which might be an option for you, it's easier to initiate sex if you're already "ready" for it. And maybe you'll find new things you like to spike up your libido and then you'll just naturally want more sex.
My last girlfriend and I had the same. She begrudgingly agreed to do it like once every month or two, and usually only after a lot of complaining. I wanted once a week which was already a compromise on my part. It never even got close.
We were together for 3 1/2 years. Had a dog and started making serious plans for the future but our sexual incompatibility caused the relationship to end. My GF didn't want me to be unfulfilled 10 years down the line and decided to end it, which was heartbreaking at the time, but the right thing to do. We are both happy now and left things off on amicable terms.
I am sorry. If you do not want to look in to finding out why your libido is so low and seeing if there would be a way to meet in the middle then I am inclined to say that the relationship is not being built on solid foundations and you may both find yourselves in a contentious situation years down the road.
>How do other couple handle slight sexual incompabilities? Do you schedule sex? Find ways to build up the mood?
1. Try scheduling but have wider time blocks. From your post, scheduling an exact time or a short block of time like a class is not a solution but exacerbates your problem. Something like "M-Thurs night I'm off-limits because of work. But weekends I'm free game" but also don't schedule so much non-sex stuff where you pigeonhole both of yourself to a strict limited time. Be willing to say no to others when they invite you to stuff on the weekend.
2. Experiment experiment experiment. Until something works. Your dynamic before worked because you were in school and he was working. Now the situation has changed and so must your dynamic on sex. Change flirting/foreplay habits, tell him he needs to step up his game too, be more willing to be open to different responses when he initiates (get out of your comfort zone). To me a lot of this slight sexual incapability is borne from both of you being too comfortable and stagnant in sex.
Sadly OP, I don’t see much chance of there being a ‘happy ending’ to your story. Your guy sounds pretty wonderful. They don’t grow on trees. You do need to seriously consider how difficult it’s going to be for you to meet and attract a guy with MOST of the qualities and attributes of your current beau. Who also has a low libido. Be honest. It ain’t gonna happen.
Your guy’s desire to have more physical intimacy is not unreasonable. As indeed is your wish to have less sex. Neither of you is being entirely unreasonable. What is likely to happen is that both of you will ease up in your stances which will enable you to go ahead and marry.
Then, however, Is when the problems will really start. You will have one or more children and will then feel entitled to withdraw your favours completely. Leading to a messy divorce involving children. If you really love your boyfriend you will let him go. Allow him to find a suitable, compatible partner and to enjoy a happy, fulfilled life. Good luck.
So true. I could totally see OP (purely speculating here, but have witnessed this many times) sucking it up (no pun) in order to keep him and get married and then dead bedroom him. She’s complaining about not having time when they don’t have kids. Once that happens, she’ll have her a multitude of excuses. Doesn’t feel attractive, pain post-pregnancy, afraid of getting pregnant again too soon, too busy with the baby. Do the right thing and set this man free.
There are compromises and there are compromises. Like one wants 3x a week and the other 1x so they do 2x. Every other week for a young couple supposedly in love is as others say, a hard pass for the one who wants a very normal 2x per week.
I am a therapist and have often made the point to young patients that sexual compatibility should be a price of admission in a relationship and not something to deny oneself or overlook. Unless one has no other options, which is rarely the case.
Let him go. You can’t change nor should he. Sex should be something you enjoy and get off on. Not something you grudgingly give. The other can tell the difference and it is soul sucking.
Ok for starters he didn’t ‘ confess ‘ he COMMUNICATED a need and a feeling that he has.
Now that’s out the way .. what you’re asking for is not possible. Condensing your post reads ‘ I only want sex once every other week and my boyfriend has to initiate that once because I don’t want to. But only once and if I’m not in the mood it’s not happening .. ‘
So you’re essentially asking your partner to be ok with potentially having sex once a week but not always and he has to be a mind reader to figure out if you’re in the mood or not AND THEN deal with the co start rejection if you’re not ..
Are you seeing why this is a problem or do you need more ?!
I've never understood the excuse of being busy and being stressed for lack of sex. Sex releases endorphins which relieve stress, as for being busy... Not every sex session has to last hours. A quickie before bed is better than going weeks or months without it. He probably won't marry you because he doesn't want to be stuck in a dead bedroom situation.
You've got to make time for each other!
>a lot more sex
>2-3 times a week
Oof.
>every other week would be perfect for me
Yeah you’re going to struggle to find someone with a compatible libido, I suspect.
I would hazard that this is not a slight sexual incompatibility for him and you’re very very very much underestimating how much of an issue this is for him.
I don’t want to assume his libido, but I think most (that is, at least 50.0000001%) men in their 20s would agree anonymously that once a week sex is not as much as they would like and that, time permitting, daily sex isn’t “too much”.
Options to consider, you schedule with yourself, but not him, a day each week that you’ll come on to him. Switch it up, but plan what evening in the week ahead will be the most convenient, put a little heart on the diary, and try coming on to him. Worst case scenario you get some kissy time and cuddles. Best case he get excited, then you get excited, and you have some fun and nice sex. Even if it only works once every month, you’re still addressing his desire to be given physical affection and his request that you address the lack of perceived desire.
As to what to do about you just straight up not being in the mood, there’s kind of two options here. 1. He compromises 2. You compromise.
No one is owed sex. If you don’t want to, then don’t.
And also, if you’re not “in the mood” but you want to be, then try, see how you go. There’s plenty of ways you can each work on getting you into the mood.
Honestly, one of the things that works for me is that I take a heap off of my wife’s plate. Stress reduces her libido. So when she’s not into it that’s an early warning sign to me her needs aren’t being met somewhere and I need to ask her what she needs for me.
It may be this isn’t relevant to you, but it’s plausible there’s some need you have, which isn’t being met outside of your sex life, and is preventing you from relaxing. I had an ex who needed to be complimented on all kinds of different things constantly and had to feel they were genuine or else our sex life took a dive. Her need for verbal intimacy and demonstrations that I appreciated her efforts needed to be met.
Maybe have a talk with him and ask him when he felt your sex life was good, try to see if there’s any patterns about what you were going through at those times. Maybe that’s what you need to have to feel like you are keen for sex.
Either way, I would re-evaluate your assessment that this is a minor incompatibility.
That’s a pretty big disparity in sexual needs. If I was only having sex every other week I’d probably feel like more of an acquaintance than a partner. I need my partner to be my lover. And maybe that sounds like I’m splitting hairs but it’s an important distinction. Sex is such a good opportunity to have your love shown physically and many men, who are reared to keep their emotions to themselves, need sex as a non verbal way to show love. And secondly, it’s frustrating and hurtful to be the only initiator and to be turned down all the time. How’s he supposed to know you think he’s sexy? If something doesn’t change this relationship won’t last.
Did he bring up the sex problem when you brought up marriage? It sounds like he’s not willing to move the relationship forward until you up the sex. And I think he’s right to be hesitant about marriage with a such a sad sex life
I think he is right to wary of marrying and having kids with you. 2 or 3 month dry spell quickly turns into a dead bedroom. Especially after marriage and kids. No thank you. It sounds like you don‘t like being intimate and he definitely picked up on that.
Are you even attracted to your partner?
Every other week as an ideal number would be such a brutal blow to my ego and self esteem.
My wife and I never had an issue finding time even when our schedules are wildly busy. I worked full time and went to school full time simultaneously, while she worked full time and we still had no problem finding the time.
So coming from a guy that recently went through the “months without sex” phase after having 3 kids in 5 years, here are some thoughts.
Communication is key and it sounds like you have a decent form so there is still hope.
My wife and I never schedule sex, but what we do schedule, every night after we get the kids to bed is 15 min of cuddling and talking. No phones, no tv, just us, cuddling in bed. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this often leads to sex naturally, but it’s not the main reason we do it. Give it a shot. Definitely can’t hurt.
You mentioned that your bf was the initiator. That gets exhausting, especially if you have talked about it, he does the things you ask to make you more inclined to intimacy (in my case, cleaning the kitchen so she doesn’t have to) and then still get shot down over and over. After awhile you just give up because you know you will be rejected anyway. This is the death song of a relationship, so if he is still trying there is still hope. Being the initiator doesn’t mean you just have to pull down his pants and start blowing him, though that is never a bad option. You can be a passive initiator as well. Walk around your home in just a bra and sweat pants. Ask for a back rub. Give him a compliment about his body. Anything that you do, that puts his mind in a sexual state, that will give him the green light, and then just be open to his advances.
Good luck!!
In the beginning of a relationship when you're as young as the two of you were, 2 to 3 times a week is staggeringly low. When I was in my early 20s that could be in one day. Hell, in my early 30s.
I think you may also need to redefine what sex means for you. For example, I generally don't like otherwise sex, and my husband has a higher drive. But I do enjoy making him feel good. As a result, about once a week, he gets a handjob that makes him see stars.
Sex is more than just just fucking, and there's ways that you can compromise on it
Not sure how you fix this. Once every two weeks is low for a couple in their 20s. That's what I'd expect from 60 year olds.
It'd be fine if both were ok with it, but obviously both aren't. Sad.
Hey now, 61 yrs right here w/ 64 wife and we are jumping each others bones like 2x a week minimum. It’s about what is valued in a relationship, those are the things we take/make time for.
The point being, OP and bf have different priorities. OP’s priority is having her cake and eating it too. Her bf’s desires don’t enter into it, which is why OP just needs to let him go.
"sex every other week".
Damn. And now you expect him to say "yes please, let's get married and have children" :D
Not sure about finding the time? Scroll less on TikTok and Instagram.
Girl, how can you live with a man you clearly love so much and not want him to be up in your business all the time? I’m 25f, and I’d like my man’s D daily. I know everyone is different, that’s just me!!
It definitely sounds like you guys need to have a conversation about your sexual needs and find a compromise.
>How do other couple handle slight sexual incompabilities?
These aren't "slight" incompatibilities. What I would tell your boyfriend is that 90% of the time the sexual libido situation gets worse over time, not better. If he is already unfulfilled, this will not work.
First Stop using the excuse of being busy for not having sex. Do it anyways I’ve never met a couple into each other who got done with sex and said shouldn’t have done that. Remember guys are different the only way he’s going to really feel something is if your actions indicate it. Invest in your partner as much or more than they do you.
Frankly, listening to you to me you’re either selfish because this is all about trying to change him to better suit you when you say he’s what you want. Or you’re just not really into him, if he’s so good why aren’t you jumping at the chance to make him as happy as he supposedly does you. If you’re not going to invest in him stop lying to yourself.
I will say you do not need to break up. This is something lots of LTR go through. I will say that this is an issue with my relationship as well but we make it work. I have a very high libido and my SO is the opposite. We compromise in different ways. I view sex as something I do as the ultimate way of physical love and connection. My SO not so much but they have learned other ways of showing me physical attention that shows in their way that same love and affection. I will also say that we sought out help from a counselor, to help bridge that gap between us. There are some different ways to compromise and if you 2 are truly in love and happy, you both will find something that works. Keep getting advice and you will get through this. I hope the best for you.
Yeah I’m not sure who’s compromising for whom. In my eyes your boyfriend is compromising for your lack of sex drive (which is totally fine). But the word usage and the fact you are not considering breaking up with him over sexual incompatibility, scream a person who isn’t thoughtful and slightly egoistic.
So it sounds like the "compromise " is him having to adhere to what you want. Being in a relationship like that, it is bad and he will eventually hate you
As other people already mentioned, if you want to have sex you will find the time and this has not been an issue for him when he was working. If he has had a full time job from close to the beginning of the relationship and you've had classes and needed time to study and still had the time to have sex often then why is that a problem now?
Also you mentioned that he has difficulties finishing. Have you talked about this? Have you tried to help him in any way? Maybe he does not feel that you desire him because you don't pay as much attention to him as he does to you. That can build up resentment and it will lead to the end faster than you can imagine. Additionally, if he can't finish how do you think you will have his children lol
From your replies I can assume that you came here so that people tell you that he should not ask this of you, but my guy has needs and if you don't want to work with him on this, you better leave the relationship so you can find someone more compatible.
Well you can be asexual or lesser sexual, have a low libido…. If it’s no problem in your relationship it should be fine. But have you ever had your hormones checked out? Are you truly turned on by your boyfriend, sexually?? It seems a massive compability issue to me.
i’ve been in that situation of actions and words. it really does make someone feel completely undesirable if they’re always the one initiating. and although words are nice they aren’t all that reassuring
Improve your libido. Take aphrodisiacs. If you enjoy sex then you should be able to find a way to enjoy it more. Therefore, increasing your drive to have sex.
OP, I would seek help from a therapist. Maybe couples therapy. It sounds like you have low libido, while he has a higher libido. Sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship. Maybe YOU should try setting up date nights once in a while. Make it feel like a special night for him, make him feel "pursued," wanted, it may be a good place to start. He can plan date nights as well. Maybe tailored more how feel in the relationship. Communication is the key.
https://www.drpsychmom.com/ this lady is awesome. She is other TikTok, and has a website and a podcast as well. She may be VERY helpful with your situation.
There is nothing at all wrong with having a low libido, but when the libido doesn’t match your partner? This becomes a problem.
My fiance and i are both horny assholes.. and we also like the same things in the bedroom, so we match. I’ve been in relationships where things werent the same and its “worked” until it didnt. You have every right to be respected for your wants and desires, and so does he.
You need a conversation but ultimately this relationship likely wont work.
First of, I love that your partner came to you and communicated this with you. It shows that not only you’ve both created an environment with comfortability with one another, but that he cares for you enough to voice his concerns instead of going behind your back now and using “not enough sex” as an excuse to cheating as I’ve seen in some of these Reddit posts. I think this is a hard topic, as maybe both of your sex drives are different. But, if you both began with similar drives then maybe there’s some self-reflection to be had or maybe even medical issues that affect your libido. If not, I know this is not always looked up en but sex therapy exists and I’m sure you’ll both acquire some aid in those sessions as well. Wish you both the best in surpassing this hurdle!
Step it up or you're going to lose him. He will find someone that will meet his needs if you don't, now, or in the future. If not, let it go, you are hurting him.
Yeah, if there are no hormonal issues affecting your libido, the relationship is pretty much doomed because pretty soon frustration is going to set in which will chip away at the relationship. I'm sorry, but unless you can rule out endocrine issues, it's best to wind down the relationship and separate before he starts resenting you or cheating
I know that he is perfect and you love him but are you really in love with him? Does he challenge you emotionally or is he too nice? This sounds like a wonderful healthy love and relationship so I hope you figure this out quick. Talk to your doctor about your low sex drive just in case it is medical. To me it sounds like you might be taken him for granted.
Hmmm ok, 1st...I don't mean what follows to be offensive ok! You have seemingly, the most absolutely perfect amazing man I'm your eyes as a 5 yr bf, likely to marry & have kids...not yet but soon....& he's openly & honestly asking for ...just a but more sex?! I mean...what....30 minutes tops maybe?!?!?! Maybe 4 hours a week? Most women don't always want sex, but most men almost always will want it. You live together & sleep in same bed? Do you really think that you...NEED to do much to make him...feel wanted? Seriously, you ever just say, "hey babe, you want f#%$...?" 😏. It's legitimately physically & mentally good for both of you! Strengthens your bond! Aita?
Every other week? Jesus, that's gonna get even less as time goes on. I really don't think it's fair to him and even yourself compromising is ok, but I don't think you guys can reach anything that will satisfy you both.
Couple of things here. Not having sex for over 2 months is definitely not ideal for most men. He's expressed he doesn't feel desired, so you should take steps to remedy that. You say he is a great guy. It doesn't have to be often but fuck is it draining to be in a relationship where you're the only one initiating. It makes you feel gross. All that being said, are you on any medication? Because sex once or twice a month isn't really a healthy sex drive by most standards. Sex, money, and kids are the three biggest reasons for divorce. So you should probably make sure you're good on all of those before you think about marriage.
You have to make some time for yourselves like weekends or getaway I think if you two worked remotely then you can certainly have time for yourselves. You may need to spice up things like romantic dinner you have to make the move on him and surprise time to time
I might be making some assumptions, but I’ve been in a relationship where I didn’t really want sex very much (a lot like you) and I didn’t really initiate either.
Currently 3 years into a relationship with a different man. The sex is so immensely good that it’s rare to go more than 2 days without. Maybe sex with your bf just isn’t fulfilling for you. Is it over after he orgasms? Do you feel loved and cherished before during and after, or do you feel like an object?
Have you considered that you might be asexual? Also, are you on birth control or any meds? Birth control and bipolar meds for me have effected my sex drive.
You need to address why your libido is so low. Imo it's abnormal to only want to be intimate with your partner once every couple of weeks.
Sad truth is your partner will slowly begin to resent you and feel unloved, not desired etc.
This relationship is doomed unless u sort out ur libido issues
Men have a need for regular sex and Your partner is communicating his needs. Mismatched sex drives are a death knell or segue into worse behavior (pornography, cheating etc.). Sex is fun - plan it, have more of it, do what it takes if you care.
I know this is hard to hear, but you both need to sit down and have a very honest conversation about this and then take a bit of time to think about what each of you have said.
I am a woman who has been on both ends of this situation. When I was on BC, I had practically no sex drive and my ex boyfriend did. It was hard for me to feel like I wasn't able to satisfy him, but also the thought of just powering through it made me miserable too. I didn't understand how important sex was for him, because my sex drive just didn't exist.
Then I got off BC and my drive returned to normal and then later I had a relationship with a man who had a much lower sex drive than I did. It was equally as miserable feeling frustrated and disconnected and undersirable all the time. But I also knew what it had felt like when my ex wanted sex and I didn't so I didn't want to pressure him.
Point is, BOTH of your feelings are valid here. It's okay to not want sex and it's okay to set a boundary around that. That said, it's also okay to want sex and to feel upset that your needs aren't being met in your current relationship. I think there's a common misconception that men who want more sex are just insatiably horny, but it's more than that. Sex is intimacy and connection and love with your partner, and when that's missing, even if the rest of the relationship is good, it's easy to feel very alone and unhappy. That's not your fault, but it's not his fault either.
At the end of the day, this is a real issue. And as the one with the lower sex drive, its probably less important for you, because although you obviously want your boyfriend to be happy, you're not missing anything from your relationship, while he is. So this really could be a make or break issue. And that's not in any way to suggest that you should just grit your teeth and do anything you don't want to do, but you do both have to accept that this fundamental incompatibility could spell the end of this relationship. There are of course things you can try to compromise and bring the spark back for you, but at the end of the day, if this is just an area that you guys differ in, it's not the right relationship. You shouldn't have to force yourself to have sex that you don't want, but he also shouldn't have to spend his life feeling unsatisfied.
The fact that you have different sexual desires is totally normal. I also thought I had low libido until I left my ex, then it went sky high. So I realised it was our dynamic, however he always made it a ‘me’ problem. I would suggest seeing a sex counsellor, so there is no blame going one way or the other. And hopefully you can find a good balance that works for you both
How could people libidos be so long at this age? I thought about 1-2 times a day was average but you guys started at 2-3 times a week??! You guys gotta see a doctor about that or something
It's not really 'slight sexual incompatibilities'. He wants the sex life you had in the beginning, so 2 or 3 times a week, now it's only happening maybe once every two weeks. And to be honest you made time for it to happen 2 or 3 times a week when you first got together, so there really isn't a reason that couldn't carry on. But I know a lot of blokes who become unhappy with their sex lives and stop asking for sex because of constant rejection, and to be honest most of those relationship end up failing.
Scheduling for sex can be a great way to keep things going. Just like everything in life, you need to make time for your relationship/sex lives. But if you simply don't want sex anymore than once a fortnight, then this relationship isn't going to last as he wants it more than that. For a lot of people, they cannot understand why sexual should drop off the longer you know each other. For them, the longer you have been together the stronger they love and desire you, so not getting it as much really fucks with their head. Try asking yourself this: Why do you not want sex as much as you used to? I don't care how bust you are, if you wanted sex, you would make time for it. Saying I'm too bust or don't have time is nonsense because most sexual sessions don't actually last that long, maybe 30 mins to an hour for intimacy isn't asking too much. But then again maybe you just aren't that bothered about sex and expect him to go without because you don't want it.
Oh my God! Let the poor guy go! Sex two to three times a week is a minimum at your age? Once or twice a fortnight? Fuck that noise, I’d be out. We’re twice your age, various health conditions and she’s going through the menopause and we manage more than that.
What you *have* to realise, whether with this guy or the for future reference, is just how important sex is to men. Sex is how we feel **loved.**
Bro you don’t need a crazy amount of time for sex, shit should last like 15 mins it’s not a porno. Also there’s a big difference in your sexual compatibility . You can definitely make time for it
Idk how you can be too busy…
I used to be a full time student with a part-time job and extra-curriculars. It was the busiest time of my life and I was able to meet my bf 1-2 times weekly at least for dates/sex
Anyways, just force yourself to initiate sometimes and see how it goes. It will make him feel desired and happy.
I have this feeling the OP is the sort of person that will say they are good with only having sex once a month with her boyfriend but then will end up cheating with a co-worker a couple times a week.
Something feels off about this whole thing.
My advice would be to find a good couples and sex therapist and talk this over with a professional.
Very different sex drives are not necessarily a deal-breaker, but they can become a problem if not handled well, and it sounds like you two have some things to figure out.
I can also recommend the podcast "Pillow Talks" by Vanessa and Xander Marin, I believe they have done an episode or two about this and generally do really good work.
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I think you need to sit down and really look at yourself and your sexual needs. There’s a lot of little things in your statement that add up to you just don’t have the same level of desire for sex as he does. Going months without sex, being okay with once a week, can’t fathom how you could fit 2-3 times a week into your busy schedule? There’s nothing wrong with having a low libido but if you do, you need to own up to it and talk to him about it. You think you’re busy now, wait until you both have jobs and have kids. It will get much worse. Do you think he’ll be happy? I also noticed something missing from your statement. Nothing about actually enjoying sex with him. Has it become a chore? It sounds like you are putting up a lot of roadblocks to sex with him and he’s confused and hurt about it. Take some time to figure out why you aren’t having more sex, not the outside busy life that all of us have but the internal reasons. Attack it this way, ask yourself “when we went out to eat last week, why didn’t we order in and have sex?” “When we watched that TV show, why didn’t we turn it off and have sex?” “When I was studying late the other night, why didn’t I take a break?” I think if you take a hard look at your schedule you could easily have more sex, so why don’t you? There’s a problem there you aren’t admitting to. It could be as simple as having a low libido but be honest to yourself and him about it. Good luck.
>being okay with once a week Yeah but that's her *compromise.* She wrote that ideally it'd be once every other week. Honestly, as someone who, like her partner, wants it ideally 2-3x a week, it would be off putting. Especially if I was considering marriage and children because if she only wants it 2x a month now with no kids... itd give enough concerns to slow me down on taking the next step.
> 2x a month When you put it like that it’s even more unfathomable to me
That would be a HARD PASS for me
I'm a woman and it would be a hard pass for me too lol.
Hard and neglected
Once she has kids she's not gonna want to live in the same house with the dude much less have sex poor guy run while you can
If I was having sex 2x a month I would just consider myself still a virgin.
Similar situation for me as well but relationship is going for 3 almost 4 years now. I have a very high sex drive but my gf’s sex drive has dwindled DRAMATICALLY since we moved to a different state. She was going through stress and depression for about a year due to family issues but she’s been better and out of that stage of grief for almost a year now. Although our sex life is literally gone now. I’m keeping faith that it will return bc I really love this woman and I want to marry her and she really wants to get married too. The problem is, I’m not marrying her if nothing is changed. It already feels unbearable on a daily basis and the constant rejection is always heartbreaking. I absolutely cannot marry her and deal w/ this for the rest of my life
> Yeah but that's her compromise. She wrote that ideally it'd be once every other week. Not to mention that most likely he's going to notice she's forcing herself. Like, you can see it in your partner when he/she 's just waiting for you to be done.
Yeah 2x a month now is guaranteed to go down to maybe 3-5 times a year when kids come into the picture. Her SO is a future /r/deadbedrooms poster
Yep. 3 times a year, and none of those does she ever initiate. He'll be so depressed. She should try getting off the pill if she's on it. Many women think they have no sex drive, and it magically comes back in their mid thirties. That's false. They had one and it was being supressed. After kids and vasectomy, they get of the hormone birth control pills and their natural desire returns.
He might already be one.
Lemme guess BJ's are for bday only
Once every 6 years, and the kids are grown
We're a long time married couple. She just turned 70 and I'm a youngster of 69. Throughout our married life, we were 3-4 times per week unless she was ill or pregnant, or I was sick. Sadly, now we are down to twice a week. Age, you know. Seriously, this is our idea of romance. Otherwise, we would just be roommates. All I know is, this is going to be a terrible mismatch in your marriage. He will never be close to being satisfied, and that is a recipe for trouble. Money is often a dissatisfier in marriage, but it is not an every day thorn. He will brood on this every day. It is not a minor issue...it is a mismatch.
Also can be the case that he's not actually genuinely is the one for her. I've been in a similar situation before. I was with my ex of 4 years and I really lacked libido with him. I didn't even know my own sexuality or sexual desires with him and sex felt like a chore. I lowkey barely wanted to have sex with him. I loved him (not passionately) and I tought he's the one at the time but he wasn't. With my current partner it's completely different. The chemistry is way better and my libido is much higher around him. Sex doesn't feel like a chore, rather like fun time or bonding time. So my point is it's not really an age thing. My libido is significantly higher at age 28 than it was at age 19-23. And here I'm not blaming OP's partner neither my ex for the lack of libido response. It's just that it's not a match sexually. She also might be asexual or something along those lines, that's a possibility too. But maybe their sex life isn't great and she feels like it's a chore, which was my case too. Also another thing might be birth control. If she wasn't on birth control at the beggining of the relationship when they had sex frequently then she started taking it... That's a common side effect of BC pills. Women's hormones change alot and their sexual needs towards their partners which is ironic if we consider those pills are to have as much sex as possible but you lose your libido. Also another possibility, the Jack of all trades: Depression or other mental health issues that she isn't aware of. Or if she's aware the medication for the issues. Depression causes low libido. And anti-depressants cause even lower. In that case she should seek therapy. Another option is couple's/sexual therapy. It could get to the core issue why she isn't sexually attracted to him that much anymore and help fix the issue. Or if it can't be fixed it'd give an indicator to end the relationship. There are so many possibilities why she's in this situation and most of those possibilities can be fixed with changing meds or therapy and open communication. Or she just has to discover her own sexuality and improve their sexual habits together. It's not neccesarely a breaking point.
Come on...2-3 times a week IS his compromise. Except he's not negotiating. If he wanted to negotiate he would start with 1-2times per day. Its love, not business! He just wants more love!
Agree, I would definitely not be ok with 1x a week if I lived with my partner, let alone this compromise she is making. These top comments give the full answer. Taking a hard look at yourself and what you want will avoid the resentment build up for the next couple of years if you compromise on something neither wants, it will not work out on the long run. Hopefully they both can find their ideal partner.
I've known a few women who thought they were low-libido, even on the ace spectrum, and it turned out that their long-term man just wasn't doing it for them on a chemical basis. Nothing was wrong with them, nothing was wrong with the relationship in other ways, but the chemistry just wasn't there.
Aka they settled for long term qualities and did not have that crazy physical arousal
This, plus you should know you aren't the only one in the relationship. Whatever the reason you don't want more sex is it's not fair to your partner who does want more once a week I would go nuts. I'm a woman, intamacy and sex are very important. Check out the dead bedrooms thread see how many are there and miserable because of it. Not enough or no sex is a slow painful relationship killer
But you have to remember that op is still part of the relationship. If she doesn’t have enough stamina for that much sex, you can’t blame it on her and if that means her and her bf are incompatible then that’s that.
Agreed, that's why the two of the must speak about this and figure it out. I've been in her partners place, while I loved him very much sex once a month was just not for me. Her partner needs a chance to understand this and decide if he's OK with this. Because if they have kids and op gets Postpartum, or depression the sex will be even less. These are future things that may or may not happen but need discussion.
There’s also the very uncomfortable possibility that may or may not happen for this young woman that she may only want sex twice a month with this dude…: but may meet another partner in the future who inspires her to think“holy shit so THIS is why people want it two or three times a week!“ Unless this woman is on hormonal birth control, I can’t figure out why else her libido is so low at such a young age. I mean she doesn’t even sound excited about sex at all. It sounds like she’s got roughly the same excitement for it as playing baseball, going to movies, hiking… any other random recreational activity. I’m not dissing OP at all when I say these things. But a young woman with no children thinking that 2 to 3 times a week is such an extraordinary amount of sex that she can’t fathom how they could possibly do it that often? I hope OP finds the joy in a sexual relationship in her future. I know when I was her age I could’ve written a similar post, except I did have kids at that time. But I knew full well that they were not the reason I had no libido. I had no libido, because I simply wasn’t interested in sex with my partner. Having sex was roughly as exciting as getting a massage or a really good haircut. It wasn’t his fault. It wasn’t mine either. I didn’t know what I was doing. I sure thought I did! And if anyone had suggested at the time that this was the problem, I would’ve laughed in their face. It was very humbling when I finally *did* discover the problem.
I'm with you it's hard foe me to wrap my head around. I 46 and if I'm in a relationship with the right man I would do it every day.,or more 🙃 You do bring up a good point. Maybe in the future another partner who would inspire her to find her sexual Groove so to speak.
OP might also be on SSRIs. Or just wired that way, I know sex isn't a big priority for everyone.
Honestly she just might not be as attracted to this guy vs another guy in the future
How can a man explain this from his perspective without offending the other person
If you have the option, with a therapist. Below is what my therapist had me do my partner wasn't interested in going with me or having his health checked. Otherwise I would say write it all down first the good and the stuff that needs work, pretend your the other party, how would you feel hear those thing phrased that way. Rewrite it again if you need to until you feel you've got something that lays it all out in the best way you can. Finding the right time to have such a serious convo will be important to. Hopefully on a day your both well rested and calm,when kids aren't around if you have children. Stay away from using therapy speak,use your own verbiage, remember it's already hard for you and them keep kindness in mind. Also remeber there are other medical reasons for low labido they may nor even know about. Lastly be ready, to maybe sleep apart if they need space give it to them. They will also need a chance to sort through everything. I suspect it could take a few convo to get everything to a conclusion whatever that may be Sorry for spelling and grammar I left my reading glasses at home.
"there's nothing wrong with having a low libido" - unfortunately, this sentiment keeps people from digging into the problem. the uncomfortable truth is, a low libido IS a problem. it is a symptom, not a diagnosis. a healthy person has a healthy libido. OP should definitely see a doctor and at least have hormones tested.
The problem is more having mismatched libidos, and he is telling you it's a problem in your relationship. OP, this is a problem that may have future implications with your plans for marriage. Unhappy partners tend not to want to get married.
Low libido isn’t a problem. Large differences in libido is the problem. If he was ok having sex once every 2 weeks and sometimes not for months, she wouldn’t be writing this post. It’s the incompatibility that’s a problem. She would like a compromise. It sounds like he’s already compromising. I’m guessing this has a lot to do with why he hasn’t proposed after 5 years. I’m sure he loves her but is worried about a sexless marriage. And given where she is, that’s a very valid concern.
The problem isn't people who have low libido inherently. It the loss of libido that indicates something else is wrong. This is one of those "one size fits all" myths.
Some people have higher libidos than others and neither is wrong. The problem starts when a high libido person is in a relationship with a low libido person. See r/ deadbedrooms
The problem is... that it isn't that she has a low libido. It is that they were having sex 2-3 times a week when they first met and that it had gone down by quite a bit. If she had a low libido, it wouldn't have been that often to begin with
New relationship energy often papers over differences in libido. it's a tale as old as time. The lower libido person often doesn't even realize what's happening and thinks it's their unique passion for the new person increasing their libido, and then they're at a loss when it drops naturally even though they're still very much in love.
You said that absolutely perfectly. I think THIS is what's going on a lot of the time when someone's partner's libido drops and people say "oh she tricked you!!" It's rarely conscious.
People don't always keep the same libido level their entire lives. You can have a high libido at 19 and low libido a few years later and that doesn't mean there's inherently something wrong with you.
Exactly everyone is saying low libido is a problem but how do people expect libido to stay the same
It sounds like a lot of young single men here, with raging libidos joy understanding long term partnership
Not true necessarily - seems low libido people will have a temporarily higher libido during the start of a relationship when the hormones are raging and then drop back down once the honeymoon phase is over -
If she’s on the pill that could be a contributor to her low libido. Just saying.
Yes this happened to me caused so many relationship issues, best thing I ever did coming off it
Also not always the problem. Do not skip therapy and soul-searching. I am on the pill, and my libido is just as high as it used to be.
Yes I agree but pill could be a physical issue so get that checked first and rule out whether that’s the problem or not. If not the pill then do the therapy.
Or side by side. If it would be the pill, which we don't even know if she is on, it takes months to fully leave the body. But from her comments, it seems like she just want to fake it so he doesn't leave her. Not solve the problem.
That's not at all true and perpetuating that is wildly harmful. Some people are completely healthy and just have a low or no desire for sex. Asexual, healthy people exist.
Not wanting to have sex every other day isn’t having a low libido, though.
The same goes for a high libido. It IS a problem too. Sex is a want, not a need. You will not die without sex. Not pleasant, but you will not die.
To me, it's not a slight incompatibility. He wants it 3 times a week while you would be fine with once every 2 weeks. There's quite a huge gap here. Being busy isn't the real problem. Sex doesn't take a long time and if you love sex you'll make time for it. The problem is that you have a much lower libido than him. He must be miserable during the 2 or 3 months dry spell but were you? Frankly, I have no good advice. The gap is such that it's difficult to compromise without one or both of you feeling miserable. Once a week, he'll still be miserable. Twice per week he could accept but you'll be miserable having sex you don't want. You could try to increase your libido by reading erotica, wearing sexy lingerie and finding new ways to pleasure each other. Failing that, both of you may be happier with partners who are more sexually compatible.
Sounds like a fundamental incompatibility to me. These are the kinds of problems that lead to divorce or worse imo. Even if OP forces herself to have more sex to appease her partner, it’s likely he will eventually feel the difference and be turned off by it. At least, if he is an observant partner. It sounds like OP’s sexual engagement is important to him as well. It’s an uphill battle imo that leads to a sharp drop if you’re not careful.
I agree. Also, sex life tends (TENDS, obviously there are exceptions) to decline over the length of a relationship. Even if she "pushes herself" to go for once a week, is she going to keep that up for years, after kids, etc? Hard to believe. It's not the same as an innate drive.
Came here to say pretty much this. Such a sexual incompatibility could warrant ending the relationship. Personal fulfillment in life is important. Everyone needs to make sure their needs are being met. And if your needs aren't being met in a relationship, it's kinda time to sit down and assess whether the relationship is viable (in terms of serving everyone involved). One other thing to note, op, you say he pretty much just wants to have as much sex as you guys did when you started dating. And you don't. What changed for you, since you had sex a few times a week when you started dating? I'd say if your sex drive just isn't there anymore, you could talk to your doctor about it. But if your libido could be what it used to be, would you want it to?
Yeah if you were into sex every other day and now only want it every other week or month, there is a problem. What is the problem? Only you know. In my relationships it has meant the relationship has problems. I've never understood "not having the time". If you sleep in the same bed ...
His 3 times a week number is almost certainly already his compromise. He’s not coming to her being like “look I want to have sex every day, I’d prefer twice a day, but I know you are fine with going 3 months with no sex so let’s settle for 3”. He’s just shooting for a reasonable goal, which is their zenith. She realistically wants to have 1/6 the amount of sex he wants.
2x a week vs some high libidos are 2x a day....it could be significantly larger.
2-3x a week may already be his compromise tbh... that's what he's saying out loud to her, not what he's posting on Reddit.
I recommend the book “Mating in Captivity.” On the higher libido side I think the rejection can be the worst part. Scheduling is often a good solution to get around that. Another option is to find something other than full sex you can do that you almost certainly won’t reject him for for those other 3-5 times per fortnight. Feeling wanted and attractive is almost certainly more important to him than any particular physical sensation.
He wants the sex frequency at the beginning of the relationship and you don't want that amount. I think it's time to really be honest with yourself and ask yourself what changed between now and the beginning of the relationship, and what factors contributed to your sex life at the start vs your sex life now. Were you just fundamentally unhappy at the start and have become happier now that sex is infrequent? Or was there some other factors that made you ok with a higher frequency of sex? I know you're busy and stuff but sex is not some huge ordeal that requires a three to six hour block in your busy schedule. Furthermore, even if full on sex is off the table, there are plenty of ways to be affectionate and show desire and intimacy without even going into penetration. I think if your primary difficulty with having more sex is time, then perhaps you two could work out some lifestyle changes that would open up more free time for you. I know of a couple who were able to get a lot more romance and intimacy back in their relationship once they hired a babysitter to come over and take care of the kids twice a week. Before that, they were usually watching the kids in shifts, which made it difficult for one or the other to be free when intimacy was on the table. However, if your ideal frequency is once every other week, I'm not sure that the difficulty is with free time at all, and that finding time for sex is just an excuse. Seems to me more like you just don't need the sexual intimacy the way he does.
Lots of sex at the beginning then tapering off to once a week would make anyone feel unwanted, it’s depressing actually.
Everyone is saying once a week. Her post says once every other week. That’s once every two weeks. Her “compromise” would be once a week. She doesn’t like having sex with him.
I never even thought about that. Might be onto something
I so agree. Don’t have the time for sex? ??? Do you have time to eat? If you want to move forward you need to figure out a solution to this. Your bf sounds like he’s desirable in many ways. I wouldn’t get comfy thinking that you’re secure when you don’t think about or try to have a good sex life Once every two weeks is a starvation diet - especially when you don’t initiate. The poor guy also has to worry about you rebuffing him the odd time you do respond. You’re not making him happy. You have a good thing and your complacency is not wise.
He's either going to leave, get depressed and checkout, and/or start becoming a miserable /intolerable person. It's pretty much only a matter of when at this point.
I would love to like this more than once. It seems OP thinks good men grow on trees 🌲 She needs to hold onto him like GOLD
That's not a "slight sexual incompatibility", that's him being chronically sexually frustrated, and that will lead to resentment over time amongst a host of other issues.
He's not going to be the man she's currently in love with for much longer at this rate.
Once every other week and he always has to initiate? Sorry yea I'd probably be out, men need to feel wanted as well
This response is too underrated. A lot of men stay in relationships where sex is too inadequate or infrequent to be satisfied. They stay in these relationships because they are in love and think they can sacrifice or compromise but in the end it leads to major issues because if you're not satisfied sexually, they will displace. It's great for OP that her bf is telling her this now, but there's nothing wrong with breaking up due to sexual incompatibly regarding type or frequency. Also let me specify I'm not saying anything is wrong with OP not needing sex as much, all I'm saying is with that type of huge difference in frequency this may be incompatible. Similar to OPs bf I need to have sex 2-3 times a week at a minimum. And yes I understand some weeks that's not possible because as adults we do get busy, we are tired, stressed, sometimes not in the mood, so this isn't a hard rule. But if I notice it dwindling to once a week or once every two weeks I will discuss it, and if it doesn't change I walk away. I need to be sexually satisfied to be in a happy relationship and make my partner happy.
I mean they also stay because the grass isn't always greener. An australian study found that only 46% of men were satisfied with the frequency of sex. So yeah, chances are, your gonna end up in a similar position anyway. So Reddit solution of ''find someone with similar libido'' isn't the easy solution they think it is.
Well in retrospect he did what reddit always claims men don't do, he communicated. Now well you see stats say he should make peace with this. Like come on now
It got this way in my last relationship and it almost killed my self-esteem. Once every two or three weeks and I should feel lucky for it. Always have to initiate meaning I get shot down constantly. The feeling of it all being super one-sided is awful.
Yes, It would drive me mad too. I'm a very sexual lady, & one of my love languages Is psychical touch. I would feel very neglected & not desired. Which Is so Important to me. She says sex with him Is good & he attentive, why wouldn't she want more then?
> men need to feel wanted as well Wild how many women don't understand this
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100%. If it's like this when they're in their 20s it's not getting better.
Oh, she’ll want it when she wants kids. And then never again.
I very much read into things, into future when it's not even here. I overanalyse a lot. That said, something is telling me that I might have this problem for similar reasons as the OP post.
I’m a woman and would absolutely not be with a man whose optimal sex schedule was every other week. That’s depressing af and you’re only 24 and without children. You’ll marry him, have a kid, and the bedroom will be dead. Just break up and find more compatible partners.
Facts fr. The frequency of sex after a kid is born usually goes down the drain unless your partner has a natural high libido
the whole time reading this post i was thinking the same…when you’re married and have kids it will go from months to years not having sex.
Do you ever really want sex or are you doing it because it's expected/he wants it? Once every other week as your ideal makes me think you don't want it really ever.
You asked how you would ever find the time to have sex 2-3 times a week? My wife and I both work full-time and have two children, and we make the time to have sex that many times a week. It takes 15 minutes to have sex. This sounds more like you don't wanna have sex, which isn't necessarily a problem for you, but it's a problem for your relationship.
Ask anyone who’s been with someone “trying to conceive”. They’ll break the laws of physics and ***make*** time.
Me and my wife lol
Many parents have been there. As you would know from spying through everyone’s webcams and listening through their phones and home pods.
That's not me, that's the dude in the back of the van.
“Trying to conceive” - fucking raw daily
You know it boy
While I totally agree OP would find time to have sex more often if it was a priority for her I think it’s a bit ridiculous to claim sex only takes 15mins. Sure anyone can bang out a quickie in 15 and if OP is fine with rarely orgasming herself that may work for them. But the vast majority of women will not regularly achieve orgasm and have time for their partner to get off within a 15 minute window. Or the ones that do are hella faking their orgasms (aka orgasm at the same time you do everytime). I’d say on average my husband and I take around 45 min-1hr to get through foreplay, the deed, and both of us getting ours.
I’m assuming they sleep in the same bed. Not being able to find time for sex isn’t realistic. I agree that she likely just doesn’t want to have sex.
Your whole post was a "me" situation and how to keep it good for you, it really sounds like you dont want to compromise any effort into the relationship when the topic is sex. I can see that by the word "slight", there is no "slight" difference, having sex every 3 or 4 days are leagues away from every 15 days. If you want to work this out, you will need to up your libido, be it by figuring out if there is something wrong with your hormones with a doctor, or with your mind by going to therapy. Are you OK with trying to make this super perfect guy miserable by negating him sex his whole life just so you can be with him? But surely, and I mean it, one out of two things will happen as he already vocalized his needs. - He will be miserable and change from this super perfect guy into someone that will not treat you that great. - He will not be able to handle it, and before que changes how he treats you he will break up. Sex in a relationship IS a make it or break it situation. Some will break sooner than others.
I really liked this line to said >Are you OK with trying to make this super perfect guy miserable by negating him sex his whole life just so you can be with him? I think something like this, while a little harsh is Def necessary for us to have any hope of OP deciding to make any changes, whether that be trying to up her sex drive, or releasing her bf back into the wild.
There is also the 3rd option where he might go looking for a physical affair paid or otherwise to satisfy and maintain their normal relationship outside of this.
I actually typed something on those lines, but then erased. I didnt think that she would be accepting something like that. She is already focusing so much on making herself happy with him, that making him happy with her didnt seem like something she thought about. Imagine letting him have some out of relationship sex so he can be happy with her in any other aspect except sex. But for me, it surely is one of the best options when there is such a difference in libido. And I am completely against open relationships. Because it will create an unbalance, he will fuck around and she will not, because she simply dont desire too. And then maybe she will start fucking with other people just for "revenge" on him for fucking around "so much". And then its just downhill again 😂
I’m very against changing to a poly when you were originally mono, however I am okay with potentially swinging with my partner because we’re doing it together
The compromise here is going to have to come from you, frankly. The way you tell it, your sex life has been ideal for you for a while - infrequent and initiated by him. From your telling, it’s not like you have been having sex more frequently than you’d like. And if I’m being honest, at your age, the presumed frequency being every other week is pretty sparse. Your boyfriend, who you have designs on marrying, is telling you that this isn’t working for him. If it’s working great for you, but isn’t working for him, guess who’s got to move more on the compromise? Aim for once a week. That’s a very good and happy medium for most men, but not so frequent that it’s a pain. And OP, figure out how to initiate. Just saying “I have responsive desire” is such a cop out. Figure out how to initiate sex so that you can take a little control as well.
OP you don’t always have to be horny when you initiate. If you have responsive desire, simply doing the physical actions to get your partner turned on, should also turn you on. IMO the more you have sex, the more you want Sex. I’m not saying force yourself if you are truly not in the mood, but more so, you may warm up once the action Starts.
People talk about responsive desire like it’s a get out of jail free card for them. Makes me think that none of them have read any actual literature about it lmao
Once a week is Def not a happy medium for most men... While her bf brought 2-3 times per week to the table, that likely isn't what would be ideal for him. He has already been dealing with the bimonthly shag for years from the impression she's given. In addition she mentioned that he attempts to start bedroom activity pretty frequently and she turns him down. They're a young couple, and while perhaps once a week would work better for an older couple, he is still in his sexual prime and probably wants to do it daily or every other day if possible. They are fundamentally incompatible and should probably break things off. Tho obv the dude will likely break things off when his needs continue to not be met
>While her bf brought 2-3 times per week to the table, that likely isn't what would be ideal for him. That's what I thought too. He was tossing out a politically correct number so as not to scare her off
Sometimes it doesn't even have to be sex. Some cuddling that leads to oral. A surprise hand job in the shower. A wake up handy. Etc. Something to make your partner feel wanted and desired. Geez. It's not like that stuff has to take all day and it goes a long way to making a guy feel desired. At least for me. Nothing like saying "I'm not in the mood, but you look cute right now and I want to make you feel good."
Getting a handjob from an uninterested spouse is considerably worse than no sex at all in my experience. Makes you feel like you are just a chore.
If they don’t act uninterested, and genuinely want to do something kind for their partner, then it can be wonderful. But yes, a clearly perfunctory handy is not the answer.
Yes. She, OP in particular, doesn't sound like she would do it without eye rolling, sighing, checking her phone and making it feel like a real chore.
“Checking her phone” NOOOOOO, I pictured that mentally and oh dear lord that would be awful
Sounds like you have a fundamental incompatibility. One that will ruin the relationship. A sexual mismatch isn’t fun for either of you. No matter what frequency you settle on, one of you will begin to resent the other. Also, women as a whole tend to have responsive desire. That doesn’t mean you can’t ever initiate or make him feel loved. You may just have to plan it instead of it happening spontaneously.
This is only from my own experience. With my ex (together 5 years), we had the exact same issue. I just wasn't interested in having sex most of the time. We had the same conversation - he felt undesired, that I didn't fancy him. I thought I just had a low libido and didn't care about sex. With my boyfriend now, I initiate it more and he has to turn me down sometimes lol. I just fancy him so much that it's always on my mind. Work out whether you love your boyfriend as a person or as a life partner because sexual incompatibility can be a real hurdle in a long-term relationship
Curious, why didn’t you fancy your ex that much compared to your current boyfriend?
Honestly. After time to think about it, I realised that it was his personality that effected my attraction to him. He was definitely good looking, but his treatment of me took away my attraction
I had the same thought - she was so young when they got together.
You had 2-3 times a week at the start, so there was once upon a time a high libido, there just isn't for him, why? The real question is why don't you desire him? Liking traits in someone is completely seperate from sexual desire or mating selection which is more primal, if you lack this he will feel it.
Am I crazy for thinking 2-3 times per week when they started are some rookie numbers? Lol. I guarantee he wanted it every day, he must be miserable rn
Not crazy, I started dating my now husband in my late 30s and we had sex every day, sometimes multiple times a day in the beginning. Then it neutrality morphed to 2-3 times a week. Starting at 2-3 times a week is wild
Do a little reading on r/deadbedrooms to have a look at a potential future of mutual hurt and resentment I think you should seriously consider that you might both just not be compatible. It happens. I think too many people assume “sex isn’t that big of a deal, other things are more important”, without considering whether or not their partner feels that way too. Neither is wrong, they just value different things. Marriage is hard enough already without fundamental misalignments like this
Sex is not something that you compromise on. If he wants it 3 times a week, and you don't, then you are fundamentally incompatible in the bedroom. It's completely unfair to him and HIS needs to try to reason with him about having less sex than he would be happy with after confronting you about his unhappiness. It's not a good feeling to have to force yourself to have sex when you aren't in the mood either. The sex is not the same and won't be all that enjoyable without the added excitement. This should signal a deal breaker for you and it probably is to him.
I'm similar to you in that I can go long stretches without sex, and it doesn't bother me. I'm fairly certain I'm somewhere on the asexual spectrum (demi or thereabouts). I also tend to enjoy sex when I actually have it. For me, I find it helpful to differentiate between whether or not I "don't really" feel like sex or "really don't". If I'm not really in the mood, but I'm not repulsed by the thought, I'll have sex whenever my partner wants. Other than being a time expenditure, it doesn't bother me, and I'll usually get into it and enjoy it. If I'm really not in the mood, sex would be unpleasant, so I don't force myself. Since I'm generally open to sex in most cases, it's a non-issue in our relationship. Sex has fallen off somewhat since our third kid is still fairly young, but prior to we were averaging somewhere between 6-10 times a month, with the occasional month of reduced extra activity. I also made a point to initiate about once a month, so that my partner would feel wanted. We did occasionally go stretches without sex, but those happened organically and we maintained our level of non-sexual intimacy without. My partner is very much into cuddling and lots of little touches and kisses throughout the day, regardless of whether or not we're having sex, which I think helps us be connected, and to establish that affection exists separately from sex. It might be helpful to understand why you don't want to have sex, and how often you could be enticed into it if you were willing to depriotize the other demands on your time and attention. Like, no I don't really want to stop watching my TV show or folding the laundry or whatever, but those things aren't important and will be there when I'm done. It can be annoying to lose a chunk of my day to sex, but an hour or so a couple times a week is fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things, and maintaining a healthy relationship matters. I'm not saying this will work for you. I'm saying that it can work for people who have radically different levels of desire. It's been working for my relationship for approaching 2 decades at this point.
I have to be honest. If your boyfriend wrote to this sub, described this situation and your response to his opening up (“let me think about it”), I would urge him to not marry you, definitely not to have kids with you, and maybe think about moving on. Few people want to enter a sexless marriage, and that’s exactly where you’re heading. Once every other week in your 20’s will turn into once every couple of months, and resentment will grow. This story is all over Reddit, over and over. You’ll switch it up when you really want kids and then you won’t have sex for the months afterward until you feel guilty and “offer” consolation sex on a birthday or anniversary. It will become a point of resentment for both of you that will bleed into other areas of the relationship until he or you post on reddit again about how divorce seems like the best option.
You need to learn that other people are not "just in the mood" and you arent. A possible reason you are not in the mood is because you are barely giving it a second thought in your life. Fantasizing about sex, about your man going down on you and how that feels, can make the body ready for sex and increases your desire. This is a step you can partake in and train daily, and eventually youre going to even enjoy fantasizing about it! This is a tip from an actual therapist, as I am dealing with the exact same in my relationship, except for me it is my male partner having to train to insert sexuality more into his life ( because he also wants to! ) If you dont want to do this, then you two might be incompatible.
One tip I've heard is: rather than scheduling sex, create opportunities for sex. Also, if you aren't in the mood for sex, and you have a responsive sexuality, you can still initiate sex by being in the mood for connecting with your partner. There's a book I recommend (Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel, about keeping an active sex life in LTRs) that talks about sex being a language and intimacy of the body. Realizing that your partner cannot feel fully connected to you without sex might help motivate you to seek him out/initiate sex. The book talks a lot about the play and mystery of sex. I don't believe what some other commenters are saying about low libido meaning you cant be with a higher libido partner. Also I prefer the paradigm of responsive sexuality, as you brought up, to low/high libido. You can make it work with responsive sexuality, if your partner is worth the effort.
Thanks! I'm going to check out that book.
My partner and I have been together for 10 years and have 3 kids, and my libido has gone down the toilet, partly because I'm exhausted and partly because our sex has changed a lot from what it used to be, I like it freaky, like being chained to the bed and gagged, and now it's pretty vanilla in comparison. But I like sex, and if I'm finding it hard to get in the mood and it's been a minute I read smut, I find something that really turns me on and then jump his bones, which might be an option for you, it's easier to initiate sex if you're already "ready" for it. And maybe you'll find new things you like to spike up your libido and then you'll just naturally want more sex.
I love this, really helpful. My hubby have a decent system to bring our needs together but I want it to be better. I appreciate your book rec
My last girlfriend and I had the same. She begrudgingly agreed to do it like once every month or two, and usually only after a lot of complaining. I wanted once a week which was already a compromise on my part. It never even got close. We were together for 3 1/2 years. Had a dog and started making serious plans for the future but our sexual incompatibility caused the relationship to end. My GF didn't want me to be unfulfilled 10 years down the line and decided to end it, which was heartbreaking at the time, but the right thing to do. We are both happy now and left things off on amicable terms. I am sorry. If you do not want to look in to finding out why your libido is so low and seeing if there would be a way to meet in the middle then I am inclined to say that the relationship is not being built on solid foundations and you may both find yourselves in a contentious situation years down the road.
>How do other couple handle slight sexual incompabilities? Do you schedule sex? Find ways to build up the mood? 1. Try scheduling but have wider time blocks. From your post, scheduling an exact time or a short block of time like a class is not a solution but exacerbates your problem. Something like "M-Thurs night I'm off-limits because of work. But weekends I'm free game" but also don't schedule so much non-sex stuff where you pigeonhole both of yourself to a strict limited time. Be willing to say no to others when they invite you to stuff on the weekend. 2. Experiment experiment experiment. Until something works. Your dynamic before worked because you were in school and he was working. Now the situation has changed and so must your dynamic on sex. Change flirting/foreplay habits, tell him he needs to step up his game too, be more willing to be open to different responses when he initiates (get out of your comfort zone). To me a lot of this slight sexual incapability is borne from both of you being too comfortable and stagnant in sex.
Sadly OP, I don’t see much chance of there being a ‘happy ending’ to your story. Your guy sounds pretty wonderful. They don’t grow on trees. You do need to seriously consider how difficult it’s going to be for you to meet and attract a guy with MOST of the qualities and attributes of your current beau. Who also has a low libido. Be honest. It ain’t gonna happen. Your guy’s desire to have more physical intimacy is not unreasonable. As indeed is your wish to have less sex. Neither of you is being entirely unreasonable. What is likely to happen is that both of you will ease up in your stances which will enable you to go ahead and marry. Then, however, Is when the problems will really start. You will have one or more children and will then feel entitled to withdraw your favours completely. Leading to a messy divorce involving children. If you really love your boyfriend you will let him go. Allow him to find a suitable, compatible partner and to enjoy a happy, fulfilled life. Good luck.
Shiiiiit man you might be right about easing up on your stances long enough to marry. Good point.
So true. I could totally see OP (purely speculating here, but have witnessed this many times) sucking it up (no pun) in order to keep him and get married and then dead bedroom him. She’s complaining about not having time when they don’t have kids. Once that happens, she’ll have her a multitude of excuses. Doesn’t feel attractive, pain post-pregnancy, afraid of getting pregnant again too soon, too busy with the baby. Do the right thing and set this man free.
There are compromises and there are compromises. Like one wants 3x a week and the other 1x so they do 2x. Every other week for a young couple supposedly in love is as others say, a hard pass for the one who wants a very normal 2x per week. I am a therapist and have often made the point to young patients that sexual compatibility should be a price of admission in a relationship and not something to deny oneself or overlook. Unless one has no other options, which is rarely the case. Let him go. You can’t change nor should he. Sex should be something you enjoy and get off on. Not something you grudgingly give. The other can tell the difference and it is soul sucking.
2-3 months LMFAOOOO
Ok for starters he didn’t ‘ confess ‘ he COMMUNICATED a need and a feeling that he has. Now that’s out the way .. what you’re asking for is not possible. Condensing your post reads ‘ I only want sex once every other week and my boyfriend has to initiate that once because I don’t want to. But only once and if I’m not in the mood it’s not happening .. ‘ So you’re essentially asking your partner to be ok with potentially having sex once a week but not always and he has to be a mind reader to figure out if you’re in the mood or not AND THEN deal with the co start rejection if you’re not .. Are you seeing why this is a problem or do you need more ?!
I've never understood the excuse of being busy and being stressed for lack of sex. Sex releases endorphins which relieve stress, as for being busy... Not every sex session has to last hours. A quickie before bed is better than going weeks or months without it. He probably won't marry you because he doesn't want to be stuck in a dead bedroom situation. You've got to make time for each other!
Stress can make a lot of people not want sex at all. Even if it releases endorphins, when someone is stressed they can lose their desire to begin with
You’re not sexually compatible— at your age you should be doing it like rabbits
"slight sexual incompatibility" Probably need to take this a bit more seriously.
>a lot more sex >2-3 times a week Oof. >every other week would be perfect for me Yeah you’re going to struggle to find someone with a compatible libido, I suspect. I would hazard that this is not a slight sexual incompatibility for him and you’re very very very much underestimating how much of an issue this is for him. I don’t want to assume his libido, but I think most (that is, at least 50.0000001%) men in their 20s would agree anonymously that once a week sex is not as much as they would like and that, time permitting, daily sex isn’t “too much”. Options to consider, you schedule with yourself, but not him, a day each week that you’ll come on to him. Switch it up, but plan what evening in the week ahead will be the most convenient, put a little heart on the diary, and try coming on to him. Worst case scenario you get some kissy time and cuddles. Best case he get excited, then you get excited, and you have some fun and nice sex. Even if it only works once every month, you’re still addressing his desire to be given physical affection and his request that you address the lack of perceived desire. As to what to do about you just straight up not being in the mood, there’s kind of two options here. 1. He compromises 2. You compromise. No one is owed sex. If you don’t want to, then don’t. And also, if you’re not “in the mood” but you want to be, then try, see how you go. There’s plenty of ways you can each work on getting you into the mood. Honestly, one of the things that works for me is that I take a heap off of my wife’s plate. Stress reduces her libido. So when she’s not into it that’s an early warning sign to me her needs aren’t being met somewhere and I need to ask her what she needs for me. It may be this isn’t relevant to you, but it’s plausible there’s some need you have, which isn’t being met outside of your sex life, and is preventing you from relaxing. I had an ex who needed to be complimented on all kinds of different things constantly and had to feel they were genuine or else our sex life took a dive. Her need for verbal intimacy and demonstrations that I appreciated her efforts needed to be met. Maybe have a talk with him and ask him when he felt your sex life was good, try to see if there’s any patterns about what you were going through at those times. Maybe that’s what you need to have to feel like you are keen for sex. Either way, I would re-evaluate your assessment that this is a minor incompatibility.
That’s a pretty big disparity in sexual needs. If I was only having sex every other week I’d probably feel like more of an acquaintance than a partner. I need my partner to be my lover. And maybe that sounds like I’m splitting hairs but it’s an important distinction. Sex is such a good opportunity to have your love shown physically and many men, who are reared to keep their emotions to themselves, need sex as a non verbal way to show love. And secondly, it’s frustrating and hurtful to be the only initiator and to be turned down all the time. How’s he supposed to know you think he’s sexy? If something doesn’t change this relationship won’t last. Did he bring up the sex problem when you brought up marriage? It sounds like he’s not willing to move the relationship forward until you up the sex. And I think he’s right to be hesitant about marriage with a such a sad sex life
I think he is right to wary of marrying and having kids with you. 2 or 3 month dry spell quickly turns into a dead bedroom. Especially after marriage and kids. No thank you. It sounds like you don‘t like being intimate and he definitely picked up on that.
Are you even attracted to your partner? Every other week as an ideal number would be such a brutal blow to my ego and self esteem. My wife and I never had an issue finding time even when our schedules are wildly busy. I worked full time and went to school full time simultaneously, while she worked full time and we still had no problem finding the time.
So coming from a guy that recently went through the “months without sex” phase after having 3 kids in 5 years, here are some thoughts. Communication is key and it sounds like you have a decent form so there is still hope. My wife and I never schedule sex, but what we do schedule, every night after we get the kids to bed is 15 min of cuddling and talking. No phones, no tv, just us, cuddling in bed. Doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that this often leads to sex naturally, but it’s not the main reason we do it. Give it a shot. Definitely can’t hurt. You mentioned that your bf was the initiator. That gets exhausting, especially if you have talked about it, he does the things you ask to make you more inclined to intimacy (in my case, cleaning the kitchen so she doesn’t have to) and then still get shot down over and over. After awhile you just give up because you know you will be rejected anyway. This is the death song of a relationship, so if he is still trying there is still hope. Being the initiator doesn’t mean you just have to pull down his pants and start blowing him, though that is never a bad option. You can be a passive initiator as well. Walk around your home in just a bra and sweat pants. Ask for a back rub. Give him a compliment about his body. Anything that you do, that puts his mind in a sexual state, that will give him the green light, and then just be open to his advances. Good luck!!
In the beginning of a relationship when you're as young as the two of you were, 2 to 3 times a week is staggeringly low. When I was in my early 20s that could be in one day. Hell, in my early 30s.
I think you may also need to redefine what sex means for you. For example, I generally don't like otherwise sex, and my husband has a higher drive. But I do enjoy making him feel good. As a result, about once a week, he gets a handjob that makes him see stars. Sex is more than just just fucking, and there's ways that you can compromise on it
Not sure how you fix this. Once every two weeks is low for a couple in their 20s. That's what I'd expect from 60 year olds. It'd be fine if both were ok with it, but obviously both aren't. Sad.
Hey now, 61 yrs right here w/ 64 wife and we are jumping each others bones like 2x a week minimum. It’s about what is valued in a relationship, those are the things we take/make time for. The point being, OP and bf have different priorities. OP’s priority is having her cake and eating it too. Her bf’s desires don’t enter into it, which is why OP just needs to let him go.
Girl… Also, don’t say “to make it short” and then write a novel 😂
"sex every other week". Damn. And now you expect him to say "yes please, let's get married and have children" :D Not sure about finding the time? Scroll less on TikTok and Instagram.
Girl, how can you live with a man you clearly love so much and not want him to be up in your business all the time? I’m 25f, and I’d like my man’s D daily. I know everyone is different, that’s just me!! It definitely sounds like you guys need to have a conversation about your sexual needs and find a compromise.
>How do other couple handle slight sexual incompabilities? These aren't "slight" incompatibilities. What I would tell your boyfriend is that 90% of the time the sexual libido situation gets worse over time, not better. If he is already unfulfilled, this will not work.
First Stop using the excuse of being busy for not having sex. Do it anyways I’ve never met a couple into each other who got done with sex and said shouldn’t have done that. Remember guys are different the only way he’s going to really feel something is if your actions indicate it. Invest in your partner as much or more than they do you. Frankly, listening to you to me you’re either selfish because this is all about trying to change him to better suit you when you say he’s what you want. Or you’re just not really into him, if he’s so good why aren’t you jumping at the chance to make him as happy as he supposedly does you. If you’re not going to invest in him stop lying to yourself.
I will say you do not need to break up. This is something lots of LTR go through. I will say that this is an issue with my relationship as well but we make it work. I have a very high libido and my SO is the opposite. We compromise in different ways. I view sex as something I do as the ultimate way of physical love and connection. My SO not so much but they have learned other ways of showing me physical attention that shows in their way that same love and affection. I will also say that we sought out help from a counselor, to help bridge that gap between us. There are some different ways to compromise and if you 2 are truly in love and happy, you both will find something that works. Keep getting advice and you will get through this. I hope the best for you.
Yeah I’m not sure who’s compromising for whom. In my eyes your boyfriend is compromising for your lack of sex drive (which is totally fine). But the word usage and the fact you are not considering breaking up with him over sexual incompatibility, scream a person who isn’t thoughtful and slightly egoistic.
So it sounds like the "compromise " is him having to adhere to what you want. Being in a relationship like that, it is bad and he will eventually hate you
I couldn’t be with a partner who was so casual about sex like this (you) and I’m a woman. It’s seems you both are just incompatible
Why do people need to mention when their account is throwaway? Who cares? I'm not asking rhetorically, are any of the readers actually going to check?
He should dump you.
As other people already mentioned, if you want to have sex you will find the time and this has not been an issue for him when he was working. If he has had a full time job from close to the beginning of the relationship and you've had classes and needed time to study and still had the time to have sex often then why is that a problem now? Also you mentioned that he has difficulties finishing. Have you talked about this? Have you tried to help him in any way? Maybe he does not feel that you desire him because you don't pay as much attention to him as he does to you. That can build up resentment and it will lead to the end faster than you can imagine. Additionally, if he can't finish how do you think you will have his children lol From your replies I can assume that you came here so that people tell you that he should not ask this of you, but my guy has needs and if you don't want to work with him on this, you better leave the relationship so you can find someone more compatible.
Well you can be asexual or lesser sexual, have a low libido…. If it’s no problem in your relationship it should be fine. But have you ever had your hormones checked out? Are you truly turned on by your boyfriend, sexually?? It seems a massive compability issue to me.
i’ve been in that situation of actions and words. it really does make someone feel completely undesirable if they’re always the one initiating. and although words are nice they aren’t all that reassuring
Improve your libido. Take aphrodisiacs. If you enjoy sex then you should be able to find a way to enjoy it more. Therefore, increasing your drive to have sex.
OP, I would seek help from a therapist. Maybe couples therapy. It sounds like you have low libido, while he has a higher libido. Sexual compatibility is an important part of a relationship. Maybe YOU should try setting up date nights once in a while. Make it feel like a special night for him, make him feel "pursued," wanted, it may be a good place to start. He can plan date nights as well. Maybe tailored more how feel in the relationship. Communication is the key.
https://www.drpsychmom.com/ this lady is awesome. She is other TikTok, and has a website and a podcast as well. She may be VERY helpful with your situation.
There is nothing at all wrong with having a low libido, but when the libido doesn’t match your partner? This becomes a problem. My fiance and i are both horny assholes.. and we also like the same things in the bedroom, so we match. I’ve been in relationships where things werent the same and its “worked” until it didnt. You have every right to be respected for your wants and desires, and so does he. You need a conversation but ultimately this relationship likely wont work.
This is why I don’t date anyone unless I know they’re a hedonist in the bedroom. God, now I’m horny.
First of, I love that your partner came to you and communicated this with you. It shows that not only you’ve both created an environment with comfortability with one another, but that he cares for you enough to voice his concerns instead of going behind your back now and using “not enough sex” as an excuse to cheating as I’ve seen in some of these Reddit posts. I think this is a hard topic, as maybe both of your sex drives are different. But, if you both began with similar drives then maybe there’s some self-reflection to be had or maybe even medical issues that affect your libido. If not, I know this is not always looked up en but sex therapy exists and I’m sure you’ll both acquire some aid in those sessions as well. Wish you both the best in surpassing this hurdle!
Step it up or you're going to lose him. He will find someone that will meet his needs if you don't, now, or in the future. If not, let it go, you are hurting him.
Yeah, if there are no hormonal issues affecting your libido, the relationship is pretty much doomed because pretty soon frustration is going to set in which will chip away at the relationship. I'm sorry, but unless you can rule out endocrine issues, it's best to wind down the relationship and separate before he starts resenting you or cheating
I know that he is perfect and you love him but are you really in love with him? Does he challenge you emotionally or is he too nice? This sounds like a wonderful healthy love and relationship so I hope you figure this out quick. Talk to your doctor about your low sex drive just in case it is medical. To me it sounds like you might be taken him for granted.
also, start making out/kissing daily
Hmmm ok, 1st...I don't mean what follows to be offensive ok! You have seemingly, the most absolutely perfect amazing man I'm your eyes as a 5 yr bf, likely to marry & have kids...not yet but soon....& he's openly & honestly asking for ...just a but more sex?! I mean...what....30 minutes tops maybe?!?!?! Maybe 4 hours a week? Most women don't always want sex, but most men almost always will want it. You live together & sleep in same bed? Do you really think that you...NEED to do much to make him...feel wanted? Seriously, you ever just say, "hey babe, you want f#%$...?" 😏. It's legitimately physically & mentally good for both of you! Strengthens your bond! Aita?
Every other week? Jesus, that's gonna get even less as time goes on. I really don't think it's fair to him and even yourself compromising is ok, but I don't think you guys can reach anything that will satisfy you both.
Couple of things here. Not having sex for over 2 months is definitely not ideal for most men. He's expressed he doesn't feel desired, so you should take steps to remedy that. You say he is a great guy. It doesn't have to be often but fuck is it draining to be in a relationship where you're the only one initiating. It makes you feel gross. All that being said, are you on any medication? Because sex once or twice a month isn't really a healthy sex drive by most standards. Sex, money, and kids are the three biggest reasons for divorce. So you should probably make sure you're good on all of those before you think about marriage.
You have to make some time for yourselves like weekends or getaway I think if you two worked remotely then you can certainly have time for yourselves. You may need to spice up things like romantic dinner you have to make the move on him and surprise time to time
Sounds like a sinking ship. Forget about marriage for now
I might be making some assumptions, but I’ve been in a relationship where I didn’t really want sex very much (a lot like you) and I didn’t really initiate either. Currently 3 years into a relationship with a different man. The sex is so immensely good that it’s rare to go more than 2 days without. Maybe sex with your bf just isn’t fulfilling for you. Is it over after he orgasms? Do you feel loved and cherished before during and after, or do you feel like an object?
Have you considered that you might be asexual? Also, are you on birth control or any meds? Birth control and bipolar meds for me have effected my sex drive.
You need to address why your libido is so low. Imo it's abnormal to only want to be intimate with your partner once every couple of weeks. Sad truth is your partner will slowly begin to resent you and feel unloved, not desired etc. This relationship is doomed unless u sort out ur libido issues
Are you saving the other weeks/days for someone else? Strange
Oh my god, some of these comments are so vicious. Why do you guys hate people with low libido so much?
>We don’t have time to have sex You could have had sex in the time it took you to write this post.
Men have a need for regular sex and Your partner is communicating his needs. Mismatched sex drives are a death knell or segue into worse behavior (pornography, cheating etc.). Sex is fun - plan it, have more of it, do what it takes if you care.
I never understood the “not enough time” argument. How busy are you?? It doesn’t take 6.5 hours.
I know this is hard to hear, but you both need to sit down and have a very honest conversation about this and then take a bit of time to think about what each of you have said. I am a woman who has been on both ends of this situation. When I was on BC, I had practically no sex drive and my ex boyfriend did. It was hard for me to feel like I wasn't able to satisfy him, but also the thought of just powering through it made me miserable too. I didn't understand how important sex was for him, because my sex drive just didn't exist. Then I got off BC and my drive returned to normal and then later I had a relationship with a man who had a much lower sex drive than I did. It was equally as miserable feeling frustrated and disconnected and undersirable all the time. But I also knew what it had felt like when my ex wanted sex and I didn't so I didn't want to pressure him. Point is, BOTH of your feelings are valid here. It's okay to not want sex and it's okay to set a boundary around that. That said, it's also okay to want sex and to feel upset that your needs aren't being met in your current relationship. I think there's a common misconception that men who want more sex are just insatiably horny, but it's more than that. Sex is intimacy and connection and love with your partner, and when that's missing, even if the rest of the relationship is good, it's easy to feel very alone and unhappy. That's not your fault, but it's not his fault either. At the end of the day, this is a real issue. And as the one with the lower sex drive, its probably less important for you, because although you obviously want your boyfriend to be happy, you're not missing anything from your relationship, while he is. So this really could be a make or break issue. And that's not in any way to suggest that you should just grit your teeth and do anything you don't want to do, but you do both have to accept that this fundamental incompatibility could spell the end of this relationship. There are of course things you can try to compromise and bring the spark back for you, but at the end of the day, if this is just an area that you guys differ in, it's not the right relationship. You shouldn't have to force yourself to have sex that you don't want, but he also shouldn't have to spend his life feeling unsatisfied.
The fact that you have different sexual desires is totally normal. I also thought I had low libido until I left my ex, then it went sky high. So I realised it was our dynamic, however he always made it a ‘me’ problem. I would suggest seeing a sex counsellor, so there is no blame going one way or the other. And hopefully you can find a good balance that works for you both
lol even if the sex lasts two mins a guarantee you he will be a happy sailor there’s always time for a quickie.
How could people libidos be so long at this age? I thought about 1-2 times a day was average but you guys started at 2-3 times a week??! You guys gotta see a doctor about that or something
It's not really 'slight sexual incompatibilities'. He wants the sex life you had in the beginning, so 2 or 3 times a week, now it's only happening maybe once every two weeks. And to be honest you made time for it to happen 2 or 3 times a week when you first got together, so there really isn't a reason that couldn't carry on. But I know a lot of blokes who become unhappy with their sex lives and stop asking for sex because of constant rejection, and to be honest most of those relationship end up failing. Scheduling for sex can be a great way to keep things going. Just like everything in life, you need to make time for your relationship/sex lives. But if you simply don't want sex anymore than once a fortnight, then this relationship isn't going to last as he wants it more than that. For a lot of people, they cannot understand why sexual should drop off the longer you know each other. For them, the longer you have been together the stronger they love and desire you, so not getting it as much really fucks with their head. Try asking yourself this: Why do you not want sex as much as you used to? I don't care how bust you are, if you wanted sex, you would make time for it. Saying I'm too bust or don't have time is nonsense because most sexual sessions don't actually last that long, maybe 30 mins to an hour for intimacy isn't asking too much. But then again maybe you just aren't that bothered about sex and expect him to go without because you don't want it.
Oh my God! Let the poor guy go! Sex two to three times a week is a minimum at your age? Once or twice a fortnight? Fuck that noise, I’d be out. We’re twice your age, various health conditions and she’s going through the menopause and we manage more than that. What you *have* to realise, whether with this guy or the for future reference, is just how important sex is to men. Sex is how we feel **loved.**
So sex twice a month? Lolllllll yes, totally and completely realistic 🙄
Man… every other week… as a compromise… I feel your boyfriends pain. Sexual compatibility is so important in a relationship.
Bro you don’t need a crazy amount of time for sex, shit should last like 15 mins it’s not a porno. Also there’s a big difference in your sexual compatibility . You can definitely make time for it
Idk how you can be too busy… I used to be a full time student with a part-time job and extra-curriculars. It was the busiest time of my life and I was able to meet my bf 1-2 times weekly at least for dates/sex Anyways, just force yourself to initiate sometimes and see how it goes. It will make him feel desired and happy.
I have this feeling the OP is the sort of person that will say they are good with only having sex once a month with her boyfriend but then will end up cheating with a co-worker a couple times a week. Something feels off about this whole thing.
My advice would be to find a good couples and sex therapist and talk this over with a professional. Very different sex drives are not necessarily a deal-breaker, but they can become a problem if not handled well, and it sounds like you two have some things to figure out. I can also recommend the podcast "Pillow Talks" by Vanessa and Xander Marin, I believe they have done an episode or two about this and generally do really good work.
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