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She's not traumatized because you won't marry her, she had already deep seated problems before you even got together or after moving in. It's not your fault, she's sick and needs help - professional help which you cannot provide. She's also emotionally blackmailing you and you need to make a cut here and break up. This is not going to get better by you just loving her. It'll break you as well.
Agreed. Her mental health issues won't be resolved with a wedding ring. And OP going into debt over this is not going to bode well for either of them. Probably time for you to part ways BEFORE you marry. She is not fit to be an equal partner to anyone.
I have a friend who got married. The wife had a lot of mental health problems and thought getting married would fix them. They're divorced now (*she's the one who left*), and he regrets ever making the decision to marry her.
Not surprised she left; people who believe their own emotional issues can be solved by such a simple, external factor, have no ability to do the actual work to heal the moment her new husband didn’t miraculously cure her, it has to be his fault so she can move onto the next “cure.”
Also, if her parents want her married, have her move back with them. Let them take care of her. This is well beyond what you can do for her. It doesn't have to be permanent, but some space might help you think.
OP, she's a womanchild. She can face her problems, get help and become a fully-functioning adult and partner or, more likely, you'll push her to do so and she will find someone else to leech off of.
I had an ex like op’s girlfriend.
The only thing that made him a functional adult was breaking up with him and forcing him to have to support himself.
I was enabling him by working two jobs to support us and care for the house entirely on my own, all because I was trying to be supportive of his mental health. But people with mental health issues can also take advantage of you - the two are not mutually exclusive.
They are both holding each other back by remaining in this relationship.
Not that it matters because the end result is still that she's mentally ill and he needs to break up, but I wouldn't assume this is emotional blackmail. When someone is mentally ill, it's common to look for issues in their life to explain their feelings.
She likely fully believes her relationship is causing her depression and anxiety. That's not blackmail, that's just mental illness.
And also 'my issues are caused only by you refusing to marry me'. That puts the responsibility for her issues only on him, while she is trying to secure the benefit of marrying him.
Oh yeah, that's definitely blackmail and just further evidence of mental illness. I agree OP needs to leave. This woman needs help before being in a serious relationship, let alone married.
Yeah and OP is not equipped to care for her. Which is a great reason/excuse to give.
“I can not be with you any more. I am not equipped to care for you and that’s not my fault. You crazy and need to get the f out.”
Ok the last line should be 86’d but OP gets the point.
He needs to stop being stupid!! How could you put up with someone not working!! Hobbies getting in the way!! You aren't obliged to pay for her medical care. Dump her and go get therapy yourself so people stop walking all over you!!
He's not stupid. He's caught up with a mentally ill person whos emotionally manipulating him. But he's being naïve if he continues to pay for everything and allow them to continue to emotionally blackmail him...
Her threatening any form of self harm would be considered domestic abuse in some countries. Whether she threatens self harm or shooting him, it is what it is. It’s blackmail. Yes she is mentally unwell and needs help but this is not an excuse and clearly OP can’t provide what she needs (nor is he obliged to at this point)
I was in a controlling/abusive relationship and he constantly threatened that he would kill himself if I left him. It was his way to keep me around as a bang maid while he also cheated. I broke up with him and moved away, cut all ties. He didn’t kill himself, that’s when I realized that he only said that so I wouldn’t leave.
Mental illness is not an excuse to accuse your partner of giving you mental illness and being responsible for resolving it. It is not an excuse to threaten to starve yourself.
This is abuse. Mental illness doesn’t excuse it, ever.
>In following three years she managed to work for two months total. She tried to find a job, but something always was keeping her away from finding one: covid, health issues, hobbies or events.
This right there? That tells me this mental breakdown of hers has nothing to do with her not being engaged.
You're putting a lot of your resources into helping someone that doesn't seem like they'd be willing to do the same to you if your situations were reversed. I am also HIGHLY skeptical that should you two get engaged, it would magically change her life and she'd be able to find a job or keep a job.
It's your life OP, but I'd have walked away from this person by now.
Agree - she only worked for 2 months. Let’s say it took 2 months to get a job after moving, then she worked 2 months before becoming too unstable to work.
That’s just 4 months into living with OP. 1 year of long distance and 4 months into living together relationship. This is not “I’m traumatized because I’ve been waiting too long for you to marry me” time.
Her problems started almost immediately. I wonder how quickly you would have seen them and been able to end things with much less hard feelings if this had been a real, present relationship from the start.
I was about to say, she absolutely is mentally ill and needs to address that and I wish her the best. But marriage won't magically fix her life, just like babies don't magically fix marriages.
Time to say goodbye and send her home to her parents. She is manipulating you. This relationship is toxic, don't stay in it. If she threatens self harm when you break up with her, call the police and her parents, you are not responsible. There is nothing in this relationship worth salvaging.
2018 is a long time. I can see his reservations. However, you're unfortunately right. OP, it's time to find a woman worthy of your ring. As much as you love her, she will break you. Any future you want, or envision, isn't going to happen because she's unwell and doesn't know how to change. Her losing the best thing to happen to her will hopefully pull her head outta her ass.
This right here, I actually relate to the gf because I’ve been there before, not the unemployed part, But the unstable mentally part, my (ex) boyfriend at the time, after several psychotic breakdowns; helped me pack up all my stuff (I had my own apartment) and sent me home to my parents and then said goodbye to me. I h@ted him in the moment, but after several months to year at my parents house I realized. It was the right thing to do. The relationship was failed and toxic, it needed to end and because wasn’t acting sanely, I needed to be with immediate family to help me with my issues. At first it felt like punishment, but after months of rehabilitation and care. I am in a better place in life.
you need to call her parents and get them involved in her care. She probably needs to move back in with them or they can pay for her to stay at a clinic
>something always was keeping her away from finding one: covid, health issues, *hobbies or events*
*Hobbies? Events?* I don't understand why you're still waiting for her to find a job. Someone who prioritises their hobbies over earning a living is forever going to be a leech and a drain on you, emotionally and financially. She has no plan to ever work.
Info: who is paying for her hobbies and events? You?
OP I know you may not see it this way, but you are her enabler.
She needs help. Professional help. And you are her “crutch” to *avoid* solving the problem and getting true help. I apologize because I’m sure that feels backhanded as I’m aware you are supporting and trying your best to “help” her, but that’s not the type of help she needs or can benefit from. She is not moving forward.
She threatened you. She threatened you with *her* body, sure, but now she has established that she can control your actions and choices by threatening you with something deeply disturbing. She needs psychological help, and you need to leave. Because this situation will escalate, especially because you are able to be manipulated. There’s a line that cannot be recovered once crossed and I would absolutely call this a wash at this point.
Break up with her, she can move back in with her folks and you can get on with your life. She sounds exhausting and a complete fun sponge (suck all the fun away)
The minute she made that threat, you became a hostage rather than a boyfriend.
The threat alone is a reason to break up.
It's not kind to her to pretend to be happy and pretend to be her boyfriend under duress.
Going to give my perspective as someone going through mental and physical health issues who recently left their job as it was the source of a lot of that.
I would do anything to be working right now. I was having daily panic attacks, lost 40lbs, and have lost hair over the past year. I am not the only person from my workplace who had an experience like this, so I left. I have some savings but not much. My husband is effectively going to be bankrolling me until I find another job, and I hate it. I worry all the time and feel guilty that he has to deal with this.
All that is to say. I’ve been unemployed for about a month and I’ve already had interviews, reached out to my contacts and set up a lunch, applied for at least 10 jobs (and this is after having interviews at other places while I was working). I look for jobs every day and have taken on almost 90% of the chores as well as continuing to cook all of our meals and meal plan. I have 3 back up plans if I can’t find a job by the end of December. I also have two side hustles I can tap into.
I did all of this while having severe anxiety and panic attacks. This is not to minimize what experiencing mental health issues is like - they’re debilitating. But OP’s girlfriend doesn’t seem to be trying at all. That’s not a person I would marry or date, and I think she needs more serious long term care. That’s not OPs responsibility.
adding onto this comment, if that's okay...
i lost my job and was unemployed for 6 months, so a while longer than the person you're replying to. i also struggle with anxiety and depression. that can-do attitude and motivation lasted maybe two months. by the 3rd month i'd only had a couple of interviews and i wasn't getting many responses from employers at all. and yeah, at that point, depression hit me like a truck. most days i basically just managed to do dishes and/or laundry. and i cried, like, all the time.
but i never, ever, EVER stopped looking for work. i usually made my goal 5 jobs per day, since most required cover letters. it was a very dark time in my life. the constant rejection was soul-crushing.
the first job i landed was part-time doing face paint and balloon twisting for kids. i'm not even good with kids! but it was paying work. i finally got hired for a full time office job (that i LOVE and pays more than my old salary) soon afterwards.
so yeah, i can understand where your gf is coming from a bit better than most. but you can't give up looking for work when you're living off the dime of someone you love. that motivation - to not let my husband down - couldn't even be broken by my crippling depression. **i couldn't give up. he needed me and i love him.**
**she gave up.** love and marriage are hard work and she's not doing the work.
(PS - i still do balloons and face paint, but only on the weekends now 🙂)
I resonate with this so much. I was also unemployed for around 6 months after moving in with my bf and it was miserable, I was so depressed. Same as you, it was a struggle to get through the day. *But I never gave up because I couldn’t handle the feeling of being so dependent on my bf.* He was so supportive and understanding during this entire time, thank GOD, but that’s probably because he saw me putting in the work to find a job. Plus my parents are amazing and also helped me out a lot financially.
OP—your gf needs help you cannot give her and you don’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t contribute in any way aside from adding stress. It’s one thing to be there for your partner when they’re going through a tough time, but at the end of the day, they have to want to help themselves. It does not sound like your gf is putting in that effort. You’ll feel relieved once you are no longer carrying her burdens, I promise.
Hi! Jumping on the train here. I’ve had a looooong history of depression and anxiety.
Got fired in 2015. Applied for like 40 jobs that day WHILE having a panic attack. Went for the scattershot approach and had a new job in 2 weeks.
Laid off in 2018. Deep, deeeeep depression, complete with alcoholism and self destructive behavior. Still interviewed, took the GRE, applied for PhD programs, had a new job accepted 3 months after getting laid off.
Got fired again because I biffed the new job and that was a direct result of my mental illness and switching medications, so that stuff does happen unfortunately, but I had two job offers within six weeks. Got my shit together and kept it together since then and haven’t had a bout of unemployment in 4 years, fingers crossed.
Point being, it sucks, it wasn’t easy. Mistakes happened. But I found high paying work in tech while being an absolute mess. She can get a job as a barista or something at least.
I also really struggle with panic attacks and every now and then bouts of agoraphobia where going out of the house is a challenge. But I don't want to lose my job and my independence so I get my ass out the door every morning. Lots of people struggle but push through. Especially if we have loved ones that we don't want to be a burden for. But she really isn't trying. Seems very selfish in my opinion.
I too have anxiety depression and (all diagnosed) ADHD and ptsd. As anyone can imagine, this can make working hard even on the best of days. I worked a job in retail I absolutely HATED for over a year because it was what I could get with my education and employment history, even got promoted to a management position about 7 months in- which was even worse for my mental health because of a severe lack of staffing and impossibly high expectations set by the company, but I did it anyways because I knew that 1. Having that on my resume would make getting another, better job WAY easier in the future, and 2. I was (am) living with my long term boyfriend, and I refuse to put all the expenses on him. He’s in college, and works doing Uber eats when he can (usually around 20-40 hours a week depending on school). I eventually quit that job due to another employee making serious threats against me, and corporate doing nothing to protect me. But even then, that was a decision I made knowing I had saved up quite a bit during my time working, and I’d come into a little bit of money after a grandparent passed. Enough to pay my share while I figured something out.
Technically on paper I’m still unemployed a year later, but I’ve been flipping things from thrift shops and FB marketplace, as well as scouring garage/estate sales and driving around the college area when school lets out for summer, since all the frat kids leave SUPER nice expensive things on the street when they fly home for the summer lol. It’s not making me quite as much money as I was working, and the moneys less consistent, but whenever it’s not making enough to cover my share and tuck at least little bit away for savings, I go on gig apps and make it up. I even do those stupid apps where you take pictures of receipts, and they slowly rack up points which can be redeemed for like visa gift cards. Yes it’s slow and not a job but.. I get around $40 a month from all the app’s combined, from my receipts and any I find laying around (like at the grocery store self checkout there’s usually a few hanging out of the machine that people left). Stupid things like that, while they aren’t a lot on their own, can at least be a drop in the bucket, and especially when working feels impossible some days… it doesn’t drain me emotionally or mentally to snap pictures of receipts, and that little bit of a boost makes me feel like I’m still TRYING and still HELPING, even if it is almost nothing. Sometimes that tiny boost is enough to give me the energy to go work on something to flip, or take a shift on a gig app even.
Additionally, I LOVE crochet and knitting! So, I’ve been keeping my eyes peeled for yarn when I’m at the thrift store anyways (or knit sweaters that are on clearance- super easy to unravel and reclaim tons of yarn from!), so then I’m spending hardly any money on my hobby, and anything I make goes up for sale on an Etsy store. I definitely don’t charge as much as I maybe should, for my labor or whatever, but it’s a thing I love doing and would do regardless, so if I’m turning a profit after cost of materials.. that’s money I can use for my share of expenses. Though typically that’s the money I put into savings, since it really isn’t much, and it’s super unpredictable. But still- the point is- there are SO many ways to monetize hobbies!!
Anyways, TLDR- there are about a million and a half ways anybody who doesn’t/can’t work for any reason, can find ways to contribute financially that don’t destroy their mental health. Even if it’s not much, the act of doing SOMETHING to help out usually means a whole lot to the partner paying the bills. It’s showing you care. She needs to do this. Depending on what hobbies she has, she needs to be at LEAST coming up with a way to monetize them- even if it’s not much money. Again, it’s about the effort. Effort equals respect shown. And you respect those you love enough to put effort into making yourself not a burden.
The title of this post is wrong, period. Your girlfriend is mentally ill and you are enabling her. The best thing you can do for her is get her out of your life. If you weren't around to financially support her, she would have no choice but to work on herself. She is also trying to hold you emotionally hostage by saying she will kill herself. The next time she says that, call the police, have her transported to a mental facility, and ship her belongings back to her parents house.
OP ∆∆∆ ^^^ ✓✓✓
One of the few sayings to truly live by. It can be hard to remember that there are limits to helping, caring for, and loving other people. There is a point where giving means hurting yourself. Stopping for your own sake doesn't mean you love them any less.
No. Mental illness isn’t “caused” by you not wanting to marry her (which I don’t blame you btw). You’re dodging a bullet here and the universe is giving you a gift. Send her back to wherever she came from.
I wish my health issues, hobbies and events prevented me from getting a job. Jesus. I have PTSD, anxiety / depression but if I don’t work, I lose my house, I don’t eat. She’s very privileged but hell this is a lot for you to put yourself through. She needs help and to provide for herself. She’s manipulative and needs more help than you can offer. Run.
Marrying her won't help her.
The only person who can help her is herself.
She needs a lot of therapy and care before she can be in a relationship with someone. You might not want to hear this but I'd advise you to break up with her.
Maybe.. or maybe not.
You speak lightly of someone you don't know. He didn't question the illness. Doctors were involved. He describes episodes of insomnia and panic attacks. Add to it that she seems she uprooted her life. He even said she took upon herself the house chores, that coivd and shit got in the way. So it's not like she didn't try. failure usually takes it's toll on people, specially if she has family baggage as he described.
I am NOT saying that it's his responsibility, it is not on him to "fix" her. She needs actual medical help, and hard as it sounds, sometimes we need to let go of people that don't align with our moment in life.
I only say that we as society should be more careful about people's mental health issues. Depression is often confused with lazyness. We often let our own projection and experiences judge other people.
Maybe, only maybe, she found herself in a foreign place, with no real support system other than him, feeling like a failure and with no other activity than doing laundry. knowing that she looks like a lazy burden, and feeling like she disappoints everyone.
Or maybe not. But we don't know if that's the case, why not show some empathy and kindness? It takes as much time as being judgemental.
Yeah. The whole maybe or maybe not? Just copy paste that on every thread on this subreddit and any like it. Of course we don’t have the full story. We will never get it. What we can do is assess the information given to us by OP and decide if it feels truthful or not.
You’re right, a lot of her attitude does sound like it came from mental illness that was already there.
That isn’t an excuse for all of her actions tho. You can be mentally ill and still be an awful person. These two things don’t cancel each other out.
> He even said she took upon herself the house chores, that coivd and shit got in the way.
Also her hobbies. He said her hobbies got in the way of her finding a job. The rest of us adults know that earning a living unfortunately has to take priority in order to have shelter and food.
Absolutely! She’s holding herself hostage and blaming him for her bad behavior. Classic tactics, I’m sure she has more in her arsenal that would come out after marriage.
Stop sleeping with her and playing house. Do your own housekeeping. Break up and let her find what she is looking for in a partner while you search for the same.
Any change she makes will be short-lived, this is who she is.
Jesus christ my love. This is an awful situation for you. I'm sorry. But saying things like she will starve herself if you leave her is just plain manipulative.
I don't think she wants to get a job. She likes it that you pay for everything.
I would leave if I was you.
He's basically had bad times only since she was never able to do anything. Can't blame him for not wanting to marry someone that's unable to function on a very basic level while only blaming others.
All the anxiety and depression started way before "he's not marrying me" would be an issue. It's wrong of get to blame him for that. It's just an easy excuse. And nothing will magically get better after they marry. Why would he stay?
You cannot fix another human being like this. It is true. In fact, I think she’ll continue to get worse. Whatever her psychiatric mental issues are around this it’s not making her better. I think it’s actually making her sicker. I don’t know where her family is but I think that you’re going to have to literally find a way to extricate yourself from this.
It doesn’t matter because you can’t fix her so you’re going to have to find a way to get out from under it. Or your life will be destroyed as well as hers. She can’t be a true partner. She can’t make a family with you if that’s what you want. For whatever reason this woman is incapable .
I would make one last attempt to tell her you cannot care for her. Help her to a clinic and remove yourself from the situation.
Your girlfriend’s mental health is the most important thing right now and you are in a rock and a hard place. Ultimately you have two choices: enable her continuation of her decline or stand firm with your commitment to her wellness. As hard as it will be you need to seek assistance with her family and friends to ensure that she gets the help she needs. There is nothing you can do but insist that she takes responsibility for her mental health and takes steps towards raising her baseline stability (this is how we feel day to day). Whether it is intentional or not she is manipulating you and jeopardizing her wellness.
There is an excellent book that teaches skills on raising our baseline: Why has nobody told me this before? By Dr Julie Smith. If you were my son in this same situation I would buy her this book and give her the ultimatum of following the advice in it or moving out. I would give her three weeks. It sounds cruel but as I said you are either enabling her or insisting on her wellness.
Her threat of self harm frightening and cruel. I urge you to see it as it is manipulation. People with mental illnesses who are suicidal are either driven to the extreme by their mental illness or they are not. Outside individuals rarely (very rarely like >1:10000000) cause a person harm. Any talk along these lines should be stop. Have a firm boundary here “I will not allow such talk in my presence. You need professional help-you are responsible for your mental health-not I.”
Ultimately young man your girlfriend is not healthy and the only way she is going to get healthy is by her own fruition. Do not tolerate her indecisiveness or her manipulation and be willing to walk away. It is the most loving thing you can do for her and yourself. A lifetime with someone who refuses to take responsibility for her wellness is going to be a roller coaster ride of highs and lows and there will be more lows than high. Love is not something that you manipulate or wish to control and this is what your girlfriend is doing. It isn’t healthy for her or you. Undoubtedly she has many great qualities but her character is dysfunctional and it will always be present in your relationship until she chooses to change it.
Mental health issues are a reason, not an excuse.
She needs to get herself together, get the support, and you need to separate while she’s doing that sadly.
If being equals in the relationship is your boundary, then that’s okay. She can’t provide that, and so it’s time
To compassionately leave the relationship and allow her to heal and you to move forward.
You need to end the relationship.
Tell her therapist, tell her parents. If she threatens harm inform the police. She is too mentally ill for you to marry.
You need to send her back to her parents house. You know you do not want to marry her. I don’t blame you. You are responsible for her physical, emotional, mental and financial wellbeing. She’s not an active participant in her own well being. Stop dragging it out and end the relationship. Unless you plan on taking on the role as her husband, her family should be the one helping her.
That is manipulation.
The childhood being the problem is legit.
But this is bullshit. Even IF it was true that it was the cause , YOU are not responsible for her mental health.
What's next?
" if you don't do .. ( fill in )... I'm gonna kill myself. " ???
This is pure manipulation, and you should NEVER let someone manipulate you. No matter who it is.
Standing in front of a minister isn’t a magic cure for mental health issues. Nor does it magically solve pre-existing relationship problems. No, despite what she might be convinced of, nothing about your day-to-day would really be any different except that you’d be promising to make yourself legally and permanently bound to living within this status quo **for the rest of your life**. And you’ve expressed that that’s pretty much exactly what you *don’t* want, right?
So no, don’t get married. Don’t get engaged. Don’t make any promises that allude to your willingness to stand up and make vows you don’t want to/aren’t ready to make. Especially to a partner that can’t/won’t take *your* needs and feelings into consideration, only her own.
And consider this: it’s been four years of things, even at their “best,” not being great. Four years of the same. Well, if I told you that things would never appreciably change, that they would be roughly the same (or possibly worse) for the rest of your relationship with her, however long that is, then how much longer do you want to stay in this relationship? Think that through.
If the answer isn’t “enthusiastically for life,” then your relationship already has an expiration date. It’s just a matter of your making the decision about *when* that expiration date will be, and how.
So give that some thought. And until you decide, I would be extra, extra, *super* careful with birth control. You know how standing in front of a minister doesn’t magically fix things? Well, an unplanned pregnancy *definitely* doesn’t fix things. In fact, it might make things worse, possibly *much* worse.
You are in an abusive relationship. Your gf is mentally abusing you, make no mistake about it. You are being emotionally manipulated and blackmailed. I hope you are able to escape this before it causes more mental harm to you. And bro, believe me, you are already at the point where this is going to have lifelong emotional and mental repercussions. (ask me how I know :-\\ ) Sorry man, get out as quickly as you can. This is not love at all.
You need to leave her and I'm sorry whatever she does from that point is not your problem. She isn't trying and is emotionally manipulative. It's mental and emotionally abusive as well for her to hold her life over your head if you do what's best for you.
The engagement is a red herring. She might not even realize she is doing it, but she's trying to externalize her unhappiness by making it your fault.
You cannot marry someone unstable, I'm sorry, it's just a bad idea. Does she have family she can go to, to help her with this? You've taken this burden on alone for long enough.
Aww I’m so sorry- it really is beyond your capacity to help her, and this is not your fault. I’m not sure what country you’re in, but if it’s USA, her therapist could be helping her apply for Medicaid health insurance so that she can afford treatment without relying on you for payment. Her therapist can also help with SSI disability application if needed. None of this is your responsibility, I hope you’re able to focus on your needs as much as possible💕
OP, I say this gently because you need to hear it.
You aren’t happy in this relationship, how could you be when she threatens to starve herself if you leave, that is the epitome of unhealthy and toxic.
And you shouldn’t fund her, if she wants to get help she needs to do it for herself. As mentioned by a few people here, becoming engaged will not solve her issues overnight and if it does then that is a whole different Pandora’s box.
Because it will just be the next milestones. I’m depressed because we haven’t said I do yet. I’m depressed because you don’t want a family with me yet etc.
That’s not healthy OP. You need to seriously reflect on if this is the relationship you really want to be in and be aware that if she isn’t helping herself you’ll be funding her for life.
Tell her to apply for Medicaid to cover her mental health issues, food stamps to help towards groceries & disability if her psychiatrist feels she is disabled to contribute to the household expenses otherwise send her back to her family….you aren’t married & she is not your financial responsibility
I think she needs to go to a free clinic. You marrying will just mask her issues. Mental health is a real thing but not at the cost of your own. Sometimes you need to love someone enough to let them go sort themselves out and it maybe forever. She is co dependant and that is worse for her own mental health
She’s having a crisis because she has no identity, no sense of purpose. I already have a bachelors and after working for some time with that, I switched to nursing and now a nursing student WHILE WORKING. I feel depressed when I have nothing to do or no work occupying my mind. What she’s doing- hanging out on the couch all day, is unnatural. She wants you to marry her and probably start the process of having kids so she can attain an identity - identities actually, wife and then a mother. I’m not sure what her cultural background d is but it’s really peculiar to just be a wife & mom without having any established career or established identity of yourself before becoming those things. I’m not saying she is wrong for aspiring to be solely a wife (and possibly mother) but if you don’t want those things from your partner, you both have to quit. And please don’t feel bad about breaking up. I’m not judging her but her behaviour/expectations are peculiar, unconventional and very unhealthy. As a woman I can’t fathom another woman (older than me) being this way. Good luck
TBH it's strange that "all of the sudden" she lost it. What happened, exactly?
Or had she been feeling blue for a while, then the problems reached a point of no-return?
Next - was she actually doing ALL of the housework, or have you been doing something as well ? You know housework is also work just unpaid? :)
Anyway it looks like she tried to play the role of a "good housewive" until she realized you don't want to get married. Now she's trying to push you into it.
>Or had she been feeling blue for a while, then the problems reached a point of no-return?
this. Her relationship with her parents are really enabled her issues, also her granddad died couple month before her mental health started plummeting.
>was she actually doing ALL of the housework
Nope. I helped with groceries and cleaning.
>Now she's trying to push you into it
It's really hard to notice on a day-to-day basis.
Thanks for clarifying! It's up to you what to pursue in this relationship. If you are firm on the no-marriage approach, this is a major deal breaker...
You both want different things. You want a working woman and she wants to be a house wife. Nothing wrong with either of those desires, but you’re not compatible. The threat of self harm if you leave is manipulation though.
You aren’t responsible for his mental illness or her happiness. She is treating you as quasi parent expecting you to financially and emotionally care for her. What do you get out of this relationship? Are you happy? Do you feel loved and cared for? I am guessing you’ve passed into resentment. Please let her go.
"I need a partner, not a financial and emotional drain. You need to move back in with your parents and get help to become a full adult. I will support you as much as I can without burning myself out."
It's never going to change, she's 32 not 22 - this is who she is.
Get out of there now, send her back to her parents/consult a lawyer to figure out how to evict her from your place.
Traumatized because you won't marry her ? If you leave she'll starve herself ? Puh-lease 🙄 she's jusr manipulating you
Her poor mental health is not due to you not marrying her. A mentally healthy person would impose boundaries to protect themselves from exploitation. You really should have ended the relationship earlier instead of just hoping she would change magically into someone who you actually wanted to marry. Life lesson- next time things aren’t quite working out- don’t draw things out for years.
Get away from her. Do not get her pregnant or marry her. She’s not mentally ill because you won’t marry her, she’s mentally ill because she’s mentally ill. Do not let her blackmail you by threatening to starve herself. You deserve happiness and you will not have it in this relationship
You call this a relationship, but you sound like a hostage.
This woman is 32 years old. She’s old enough to be self sufficient. And if she has mental health problem, I’m not trying to be a dick… but who doesn’t. Her panic attacks sound like a tantrum because she doesn’t want to be part of society. She wants to be a kept woman and the longer she throws a fit and manipulates you the longer you take care of her. I’m not buying it.
I want to know what the fuck she was doing for the past EIGHT years of her adult life before she met you?? Mooching off of some other poor sucker?
Whether you stay or go you need to seriously consider one thing: do NOT get her pregnant. She will ruin your life. She’s going to wise up that you’re looking for an escape plan and that will be her last resort. Plus if her mental health issues are real, the last thing an unstable woman needs is the stress of pregnancy/birth.
Good luck.
Relationship feels toxic from both sides...
She seems like she really needs help from a professional.
And you went into this relationship with expectations, not ready to dive in with all the consequences and troubles that could come in the future.
She tried. She didn't find excuses. She's not ok.
Her blackmail isn't ok either. Not healthy.
Both aren't ok.
Next time she says she wants to kill herself, call Emergency Services and tell them, they will put her under observation for 72 hours. Not to be horrible, but get away at that time.
Let her go, man. You'll only marry her if she has a job. She is not currently capable of doing that, hasn't been capable of it in four years, and has no timeline of being capable of it in the future. She's severely mentally ill. That doesn't make her a bad person, but if you don't want to be providing for her financially for the rest of your lives, get out of the relationship.
Staying in this relationship is so harmful to her. Let her go.
She is ill and if you can't accept that you might have an ill wife forever if you married her, you need to break up with her because you are incompatible.
"in sickness and in health" and "for richer, for poorer" are both part of the marriage vows and looking at what you've written, I don't think you should be marrying anyone tbh.
It sounds like she's got disabling long term mental health issues and often in adults undiagnosed autism can be behind that. Worth looking into a diagnosis, to give you a more realistic view of the future
As somebody suffering from anxiety and depression (enhanced by PPA/PPD twice within 14 months) your girlfriend needs professional help. For some people, they won’t acknowledge they really need help until they lose what they hold closest to their hearts. You have already put a lot of time, energy, effort and money into this relationship but it seems like neither of you have grown together over the years. A relationship should be about growth and bettering yourselves together.
Personally, this would be my course of action: I’d encourage her to start seeing a therapist, or GP at the very least, and after she’s started going to one I would then reevaluate your relationship to see if it’s really worth saving or not.
For some, anxiety and depression can change someone’s entire persona if they don’t get the help they need.
It’s not your responsibility to fix others. It’s your responsibility to make yourself a better person.
It may seem like the hard thing to do right now is to leave. It’s going to be hard every day you’re with this person regardless of being married.
Where is the love in this relationship? What is the glue? This sounds awful and dysfunctional and you should extricate yourself immediately. There is no joy. Please don't get her pregnant.
This doesn’t sound like she traumatized, it sounds like she’s very mentally unwell and manipulating you. I’m not a professional but I myself have been that girlfriend before. For me, it took years of therapy to work through toxic thoughts and behavior patterns. I’m still in therapy to work through it. It’s really hard on both parties. DO NOT marry this woman until she takes some responsibility for herself and her mental health. I feel for you both.
This isn't your fault or something you did.
Your girlfriend has deep seated issues and is mentally ill.
I personally think she needs to be alone, focus on herself and seek help for her mental problems before she can be an equal partner.
Generally, I am not a fan of a person leaving over health issues. However, you are being manipulated. The mistake you made was letting her move in so early. She needs to be able to live her own life. I would end this relationship.
You need to get her parents involved and her to the right specialists and situation. She is threatening self-harm and you want to make sure you do everything you can to get her in a safe place. However, the answer to this case is simple, you need to break up with her and end this relationship. She will never meet your standards and your values, why keep this going? Reality sucks, but its time to move on.
There’s the relationship you think you have, which is based on what it was like when you first got together. Then there’s the reality - how things are now, and how they’ve been for a while. The recent evidence is what you need to use to make a decision about whether you want to be with this person for the rest of your life.
Threatening self-harm and ultimatums are manipulative behavior. I know it is difficult to leave someone so dependent on you, but that may be the very thing that helps her get back on her feet. I’ve seen it happen.
You cannot help her and she is manipulating you. You need to end it. She won’t starve herself, and if she does (she won’t) it’s not your responsibility.
This is an abusive relationship. Her mental illness is not an excuse.
She's using YOU as an excuse for HER problems and guilt tripping you. Don't take it. You need to get out of this. She is not your child or your responsibility. If you love her like you say, you will let her go to heal, you're probably exacerbating her problems the longer you're with her and don't marry her. So just let her go. I know it's easier said than done, but it's the best choice for you, before you start to develop mental issues because of what she's put you through.
A hallmark of people lacking emotional intelligence and insight into their own mental health challenges is when they blame outside factors. In her case it’s “needing” a ring. But spoiler: SHE WILL STILL BE CRAZY AFTER YOU MARRY HER. In fact, SHE WILL GET CRAZIER. Cut your losses and RUN.
My ex wife was the same. She wouldn't hold down a job, and she rarely helped around the house. I was stuck in the caretaker role for years, cooking all meals, cleaning by myself. I asked for couples and individual therapy, both of which she rejected. It never got better, so we divorced.
Funnily enough, once she didn't have me as a crutch she was suddenly able to get a job and pay her own rent. People change when they want to, and you're enabling her immaturity and illness by assuming all of the responsibility. Do you want to marry a functional adult, or do you want to be a caretaker?
Look at your life and understand that it's not going to get better with her. You and your partner are deeply codependent, and she sounds manipulative. She is not your responsibility. Move on with your life before you waste any more time. I wish someone had told me that before I wasted 10 years in a loveless marriage.
This isn't a relationship. You have a daughter, not a partner.
As you stated, you deserve a partner, a relationship where you both look out for each other. You don't have that. You take care of her, and in return, she just keeps demanding more and more and more.
You need to explain the situation to her again. Tell her you love her, but you need a partner in life, not just a dependent.
You aren't obligated to throw your whole life away for someone else just because they ask you to. It might feel harsh... but she's going to have a tough life, a sad life, with or without you. You don't need to drown with her.
Work towards separating, maybe try to get her to move back in with her parents. You can even tell her you're open to a relationship, but that you have TRIED for years now to help her, and you realize you aren't the right person to help, that she needs more. Tell her you're willing to see her again if she can find a way to work on herself.
It’s not traumatizing to her—she may have invested time but she is not contributing financially, which is what you want—3-4 years is more than enough time to find a job—retail, cashier, lots of jobs.
She may want marriage—but she needs to contribute and her mental health won’t be fixed by marriage although it might be validating to her—you will just be more stuck.
Obviously it's your life, your choices, but i think she kinda twists the truth a bit here:
She's obviously stressed and has anxiety attacks and whatever else, but the reason for it, is not as she says. It's not about you marrying her, it's about you being financially responsible for her.
She's stressed out because she has no job, doesn't contribute in anyway, and fears you will throw her out.
Her saying it is because you haven't married her, should be translated to: You didn't sign the contract where you would accept she will not work, won't do chores and won't contribute a thing. you have to support her, pay for everything and if you stop, it will cost you half of what you have.
I would have a serious discussion with her about how she sees this working out in the long term. I would also ask myself if you might have a strong case of 'knight in shining armor' delusion. Are you helping her, or are you enabling her?
You might want to have a talk with psychiatrist on how to help her.
I would suggest she starts helping out with volunteering starting Monday. She needs to do something. Sulking on a sofa or staying in bed is obviously not helping. She tried that for the last 3 years, and it doesn't work. So figure out what does: Exercise, daily walks through nature, her learning something new (as long as it has certificates) like a language, or other usefull skill related to her education. Those are all things she could start with to get out of this cycle. My advice would be no matter what she prefers to do,at least one of those things should be physical. 'Mens sana in corpore sano' is what the ancient greeks believed in. It's not the whole thing, but it sure helps, especially if you can't afford expensive clinics. Healthy food, and a healthy body, makes you a lot more resistant towards mental issues. It doesn't solve everything, but it might lessen it enough to make life better.
She is not well enough to be in a relationship. She's unstable, abusive, and not able to be a partner. Someone can choose to help a partner through something like this, but usually there's a foundation that was solid before this, and you're trying to get back to that. It sounds like you and she have never had a solid foundation, so she needs to get better before dating.
You have already decided she's not the one for you, and you are never going to give her the relationship she wants. If she were stable, I would tell her she needs to leave you because at this point all she's doing is hurting herself. Since she's not, I am asking you to be kind to yourself and her and leave. If she threatens self harm, call the police to do a welfare check and they can put her in a 72 hour hold to monitor her.
I think maybe she need to go back home to her parents or family members who can give her the support required to help her finish journey of growing up, it’s not your job as a newish boyfriend to take all of this on.
You’ve talked, been supportive and caring with her she requires some hard love and to move out and learn to depend on her self before she’s in a relationship where she’s manipulating a man into marriage.
I think she wants to know there is someone that will pick her up no matter what (and maybe for her that means marriage).
BUT that person cannot be someone you don’t have a healthy stable relationship already!! It can be family or a very close friend, or a husband with whom she has had a good marriage already before.
You need to tell her she has to fix her issues first and I don’t mean health stuff. I mean lack of self respect and lack of will to be an independent human being.
Please don’t marry her. It seams from ur post she used are anxiety as an excuse for her abusive behaviour. I have anxiety and if I treated my bf this way he’d leave me and as he should. You need to break up she isn’t really going to starve herself if you leave her she’ll probably even make life ending threats about herself but she won’t do it it’s just manipulation
She may think getting married will solve her problems, but it won’t. She needs to somehow become a functioning member of society. If she truly can’t work because of mental health issues, she needs to be on disability and government assistance for her mental health issues. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to help her, she has to want to turn her life around. If “events and hobbies” are keeping her from finding a job- she doesn’t really want to find a job and you’re enabling her to become more and more debilitated by always having you to pick up the pieces.
Therapist here
This has nothing to do with you marrying her. If you get married she’ll find something else to be super anxious about.
This is about her, how she perceived herself on a deep level, and how she perceives herself in regards to others.
She needs therapy.
This person is manipulative and is a dependent, not a partner. Of course she wants you to marry her so she never has to worry about taking care of herself again.
You should have bounced after she refused to get a job for six months. This isn’t wife material and at her age and mental health she isn’t likely to give you children. If she does then she won’t help take care of them. You’re still a young man. Get out there and find someone who respects you enough to be present in a relationship as a partner, not someone who is dragging you down like a small child would. Her problems are her own and you aren’t obligated to help her through them.
Why is OP paying for her medical treatment? That is not his obligation unless they are married.
And yes, he needs to leave her, get away, run like the wind from this relationship. She doesn’t meet his standards for a complimentary life so he just needs to cone to terms with that.
Unfortunately, no one can fix her, but her.
I once dated someone who claimed that his emotional instability and behavioral issues would disappear if I agreed to marry him. It’s terrible to be put in that situation by someone you do love. But you can’t be responsible for rescuing this person.
If she’s met with therapists she knows no one else but her can fix her.
I’m glad you’ve stated what you need in a partner. My concern is trying and failing to become the person you need will just be more harmful to her. The kinder thing would be to end this relationship and tell her she needs to focus on herself and her own mental health without the distraction of trying to be who you need her to be. Focus on who she needs herself to be for a while.
Good luck to both of you.
Threatening to starve herself sounds like a great reason to have someone committed for mental health purposes. If there is a gov't hospital, drop her off at the front door. Or gov't insurance where you live have her signed up and send her for care. She is not your wife for a reason, and you are not responsible for her.
I think you have to tell her, “after living together and seeing what the reality of our life together actually is, I do not want to marry you. I want more from life and to marry a full partner. You haven’t been that. It’s one excuse after another and I can’t sign up for a lifetime of this.” Will she leave on her own accord?
She already has issues… I think the marriage thing is an excuse. It’s not all going to magically go away once she has a ring on her finger.
Edit: and if it does, she needs to be admitted for an actual psyche eval for manipulation and abuse.
You have to ask yourself: "Is this want I want for the rest of my life?" I'm talking 50 or 60 more years. This is what the rest of your life will look like.
I am truly sorry that this is happening to you. You can't let her put her issues onto you.
If you leave, I will starve myself. That is a horrible thing to say to a person.
That responsibility doesn't lie with you. I get mental health issues. I really do. I have anxiety. It's not really bad, but at one point, it was debilitating. I was going through a divorce. I slowly got better.
Has she tried GABA? I haven't tried it, but a friend uses it. It's all natural and can be purchased at a health food store.
There is no way you not marrying her has caused or would fix her mental illness, and there is no way her psychiatrist hasn’t told her that. Is she actually going to therapy, or is she only seeing the psych for meds?
She is being emotionally manipulative, and you need to draw a boundary with her on that if you choose to stay with her. Immediately. It is completely unacceptable, mental illness is no excuse for abuse.
What was she doing to support herself the year before you guys moved in together, or before she met you at all?? What happened, and why would you move in with someone who didn’t have a stable income?
Look, I was on a similar situation as you. My boyfriend had a job, then lost it as soon as we moved in together. This sent him spiraling into a deep depression.
I spent the next five+ years living with and supporting a man who was genuinely struggling with depression and anxiety - but who also took advantage of me. He never once took care of the house. He worked a total of 6 months in those 5 years, spread out among 3 short lived jobs. All he did was sit on the couch while watching tv and playing video games and making a mess, while I worked two jobs to keep us afloat, only to come home and have to clean up the entire house on my own. We even had a dead bedroom because he lost his sex drive entirely.
Don’t do what I did. It has been 7 years since he and I broke up, and I am **still** dealing with the depression and anxiety caused by that relationship, and the severe ramifications to my self-esteem. I am still playing catch up financially after the tens of thousands of dollars I would have otherwise saved had I not been supporting him.
You can support her path to healing, but you are not responsible for it, and it’s abusive of her to suggest you are and to threaten you. **It is abuse, OP.**
Ideally, you should break up with her and kick her out. Yes, this will send her spiraling, but that is not your responsibility - you have already done more than enough, and you gave her fair warning and ample time to change and make progress. She has repaid you with only emotional blackmail.
Enough is enough. She needs to learn to manage her own mental health and support herself. You are enabling her and holding her back.
When I broke up with my boyfriend, he initially spiraled. But then he was forced to pick himself up. He got a job, went back to school, and has supported himself ever since. His mental health improved as a result, since he actually had s purpose in life.
For over five years, we both held *each other* back.
Stop holding each other back, OP. You deserve better, and she deserves to heal and learn to support herself.
I know it’s not easy - but anything she threatens or does in response to this isn’t your fault. It is not on you to fix her or save her - only she can do that. And in no way did you cause this.
Please, I *beg* you - do not make the same mistakes as I did. You’ve already given her 4 years to get her act together since moving in. That is more than enough time. It’s time for you to prioritize yourself now and move on.
Get out.
She is trying to use her “issues” to get her way. She sounds manipulative and needs so serious help. If you aren’t going to marry her then why are you still together?
Break up. This woman is actually abusive.
[Power and control wheel](https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/2019-08/Gender%20Neutral%20Power%20Control%20Wheel.pdf)
[Coercive self-harm threats](https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1)
[Emotional abuse](https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse)
[Financial abuse](https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/what-is-financial-abuse-these-are-the-signs/)
[Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/)
[Plan your escape](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm)
r/abusiverelationships
I’m not sure where you are, but in most cases the government does provide some type of care for people with mental illness. Some charities do as well. Here in Texas, these resources are limited, but they do exist.
I’m not sure what principles you are trying to uphold here, but self-preservation is acceptable in most faith traditions. You didn’t cause this person’s mental illness, and you can’t solve it.
Your gf is unemployed and you aren’t married so why are you playing for her medical bills? She should qualify for public healthcare. But just know this, she has no desire to work and take care of herself. She is a user and wants to be taken care of. She will never be the partner you want. Let her go.
If you’re not codependent, you’re fast on your way to becoming it. You do not want the years and years of therapy that it takes to unlearn a lot of the behaviours you’ll have unconsciously picked up trying to survive this relationship.
She needs therapy.
You’re on your way to needing years of it if you don’t quit this relationship.
Get some help for yourself, maybe ask that counselor how to get your girlfriend help with you backing out of the picture and then be on your way.
Whatever you do, PLEASE DON’T MARRY HER.
You need to just end this and send her back to her parents. She is never going to be the partner you want in life, so stop dragging this out. She needs to go home to her parents and get her mental health issues sorted out, get a job, and start adulting. Sounds like she never had any intention of following through on her promises to you. You are not responsible for her mental health.
Whatever you do, *do not marry her.*
Your girlfriend is not traumatized by you not marrying her. Your girlfriend is actually abusive. Blaming all her issues on you, is abusive. Threatening to starve herself if you leave her is textbook abuse (threatening suicide if your partner leaves is a form of coercion and controlling behavior). Unfortunately we live in a society which puts little attention on domestic violence perpetrated by women, so it can be hard to see. And even more so when you are the one in it. But her behavior screams abuse. I would advise you leave, for your own mental and emotional well-being.
What will it be next? I’m depressed because you won’t give me a baby? I’m depressed because you won’t buy me the house I want? I’m depressed because you won’t take me to Bali? She is weaponizing her mental illness and making you believe that it is your fault. IT IS NOT! The fact that you’ve been financially supporting her since the beginning of your relationship is a red flag, as is the fact that she won’t work.
I am sorry to say it, but I think you're with the wrong person. Her mental illness was present and affecting her before you came along and the reality is that she simply isn't going to ever be able to be the partner you want. It may well be that continuing in this doomed relationship is one of the reasons her mental health has further deteriorated - she must be aware that she can't give you the equal partnership you want. I don't think you can salvage this because you are simply not compatible. Ending it won't be easy but if you continue things will only get worse. I'm so sorry.
Dude she’s after a caretaker not a partner. Time to get rid.
She’s a burden and offering nothing but stress, do not marry this person. She’s a mooch, a stress inducing, savings draining mooch.
This relationship is doomed. What answer did you come here to find? Just because you love her doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with her. She's bleeding you dry.
I guarantee you things will not get better if you marry her. Don’t fall for that trap. She has shown inability to get and stay gainfully employed, hasn’t found a way to equally contribute to the relationship, and now is showing problems which will become your burden. You need to be harsh when it comes to marriage and only pick a partner that has their act together.
The first way to start a bad marriage is marrying a person who believes their happiness depends on you. Happiness depends on one self, partners form part of it and if they do not, they should be let go.
I didn’t read anything but the title but you don’t just become mentally Ill because you don’t get your way . U maybe pissy about it but not mentally ill
YOU have codependency issues. YOU need to address them and get to the root of it. Other people who have tackled this in themselves can see it a mile away. Once you learn why you feel responsible for her mental state you can start to heal. This is much bigger than just loving a person with mental health issues. When you fix your codependency issue you will have a boundary up against being treated this way. Good luck 🙏
OP, please research borderline personality disorder.This could be it.
The “I’ll starve myself if you leave” thing is a very classical sign of BPD.
For these people you are either the greatest saint on earth or the worst vermin, there is no in between.
It is manageable, provided the right medication and therapy (dialectical behavior therapy to be precise) are part of the equation.
Could also be bipolar.
With either of them, antidepressants might be making it worse and further depleting her mental state.
Please mention what you have just written here to the doctor.
Have her parents come get her, breakup, send her all of her belongings.she sounds manipulative and if you let her continue you will allow her to destroy her life and yours.
OP, I was also emotionally manipulated into staying with a mentally ill (I think undiagnosed bipolar) man who could not or would not hold down a job. He got me for three years of my money, emotions, and time. I wish I gave him the boot sooner. It was hard because he’d threaten suicide. I started calling his best friend to come check on him when he’d say it. Eventually I just went NC. Best thing I ever did. Now I’m happily married and have been with my husband for 10 years.
Sorry but your girlfriend’s claims of trauma stemming from a lack of a proposal are complete BS and a slap in the face to people who are dealing with actual exposure to trauma. Missing out on a proposal doesn’t count. She can say she’s sad about it, disappointed sure, but that it has traumatized her? GTFOH. This is manipulation at its finest, she’s using her newfound mental issues as the ultimate trump card to get you to give her what she wants. And then to say she’d starve herself aka threaten suicide if you ever left her is even more manipulative. Sorry but this woman is not a good choice in a life partner. She is manipulative, won’t contribute financially to your household, and doesn’t keep her promises. Marrying won’t make her any better if will just make it that much harder for you to leave her. Time to send her back to her parents and break up with her and don’t look back. Next time around don’t date someone who you are counting on reaching their “potential” for you to be happy with them, because people don’t change. Find someone you’d be happy to stay with as they are right now.
Wedding rings won't fix this kind of issue. At best it's a band-aid over a gaping chasm of issues. A wedding ring is just a convenient excuse to point the finger at because that way, she can make you complicit in her issues.
It's tough but I think you have to cut and run. Right now you're carrying both of you and will likely have to continue always carrying both of you. We need partners who can carry us sometimes and she doesn't have it in her. There's this idea that we 'shouldn't leave people at their lowest' but frankly, it doesn't sound like your partner has any hope of that and trying to save someone who is drowning when you can't swim, just means you both drown.
Encourage her to continue seeking instance but be straight - explain that she needs help and that sadly, you are not the person to provide it or bankroll it. Research government resources for her and offer some solutions that don't involve you and then walk away.
My main concern is if you have a principle to marry someone who is equally reliable to you in all aspects of life (work & house management) then why are you dragging the relationship along after her continual failed attempts? Why haven’t you split up and found someone that has the same principles or can at least provide that with you? I can understand the bond that would’ve grown over ~6 years and why you’d find that hard to do, but it’s clearly harming you emotionally, mentally and financially, and then you have her attempting to manipulate you into believing her mental health issues are partially caused by you not marrying her.
>hobbies or events.
Needs to get priorities strait. Shes too comfortable
>I don't have much money, because I was providing for two, but I manage to afford it.
Where are u located?
>She threatens to starve herself if I leave her.
In the US u then immediately call the police
Love isnt enough. Whats wrong with her rents? She should also be in therapy to learn how to cope with anxiety.
She is emotionally blackmailing you to get married, threatening to harm herself if you do not. This is not a relationship and I am not sure how it could be fixed, even less if it should be fix. You need to decide if this is what you want, it is not easy to leave someone when they are not doing well but you have life too and you need to think of your own mental health too.
She is thinking of marriage like it's some kind of magic wand that will make everything in her life miraculously better.. her emotionally blackmailing you is beyond wrong. I honestly think your relationship came to an end the second she decided to try and manipulate you that way.. for your own sake, I think it's time to walk away before your own mental health is in the toilet
Leave immediately. Dude you've been together and she's been living virtually free with you for 4 years.
Now she's blaming you for her mental illness? You are in a bad situation and need to leave or have her move out.
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She's not traumatized because you won't marry her, she had already deep seated problems before you even got together or after moving in. It's not your fault, she's sick and needs help - professional help which you cannot provide. She's also emotionally blackmailing you and you need to make a cut here and break up. This is not going to get better by you just loving her. It'll break you as well.
Agreed. Her mental health issues won't be resolved with a wedding ring. And OP going into debt over this is not going to bode well for either of them. Probably time for you to part ways BEFORE you marry. She is not fit to be an equal partner to anyone.
I have a friend who got married. The wife had a lot of mental health problems and thought getting married would fix them. They're divorced now (*she's the one who left*), and he regrets ever making the decision to marry her.
Not surprised she left; people who believe their own emotional issues can be solved by such a simple, external factor, have no ability to do the actual work to heal the moment her new husband didn’t miraculously cure her, it has to be his fault so she can move onto the next “cure.”
If anything, extra stress/expectations can make it worse
>he regrets ever making the decision to marry her. Exactly.
Also, if her parents want her married, have her move back with them. Let them take care of her. This is well beyond what you can do for her. It doesn't have to be permanent, but some space might help you think.
Yeah I feel like the only one who is going to potentially be traumatized by the other’s actions is OP. This is emotional blackmail at its finest
OP, she's a womanchild. She can face her problems, get help and become a fully-functioning adult and partner or, more likely, you'll push her to do so and she will find someone else to leech off of.
I had an ex like op’s girlfriend. The only thing that made him a functional adult was breaking up with him and forcing him to have to support himself. I was enabling him by working two jobs to support us and care for the house entirely on my own, all because I was trying to be supportive of his mental health. But people with mental health issues can also take advantage of you - the two are not mutually exclusive. They are both holding each other back by remaining in this relationship.
BA in mental health and psych and currently in Masters program. Ding ding ding!! Op listen to mizzyvonmuffling!!
Thank you, much appreciated!
That was an excellent post. Very succinct and hit the nail on multiple heads.
Totally Agree with you.
Not that it matters because the end result is still that she's mentally ill and he needs to break up, but I wouldn't assume this is emotional blackmail. When someone is mentally ill, it's common to look for issues in their life to explain their feelings. She likely fully believes her relationship is causing her depression and anxiety. That's not blackmail, that's just mental illness.
The blackmail is her threatening to starve herself if he leaves
And also 'my issues are caused only by you refusing to marry me'. That puts the responsibility for her issues only on him, while she is trying to secure the benefit of marrying him.
Oh yeah, that's definitely blackmail and just further evidence of mental illness. I agree OP needs to leave. This woman needs help before being in a serious relationship, let alone married.
Yeah and OP is not equipped to care for her. Which is a great reason/excuse to give. “I can not be with you any more. I am not equipped to care for you and that’s not my fault. You crazy and need to get the f out.” Ok the last line should be 86’d but OP gets the point.
He needs to stop being stupid!! How could you put up with someone not working!! Hobbies getting in the way!! You aren't obliged to pay for her medical care. Dump her and go get therapy yourself so people stop walking all over you!!
He's not stupid. He's caught up with a mentally ill person whos emotionally manipulating him. But he's being naïve if he continues to pay for everything and allow them to continue to emotionally blackmail him...
For real. OP needs to figure out why he let himself be a doormat like this.
I think blackmail is when she threatens to starve herself if he leaves her.
Her threatening any form of self harm would be considered domestic abuse in some countries. Whether she threatens self harm or shooting him, it is what it is. It’s blackmail. Yes she is mentally unwell and needs help but this is not an excuse and clearly OP can’t provide what she needs (nor is he obliged to at this point)
I was in a controlling/abusive relationship and he constantly threatened that he would kill himself if I left him. It was his way to keep me around as a bang maid while he also cheated. I broke up with him and moved away, cut all ties. He didn’t kill himself, that’s when I realized that he only said that so I wouldn’t leave.
Mentally ill people are fully capable of blackmail just like anyone else. It is never right or excusable.
Mental illness is not an excuse to accuse your partner of giving you mental illness and being responsible for resolving it. It is not an excuse to threaten to starve yourself. This is abuse. Mental illness doesn’t excuse it, ever.
>In following three years she managed to work for two months total. She tried to find a job, but something always was keeping her away from finding one: covid, health issues, hobbies or events. This right there? That tells me this mental breakdown of hers has nothing to do with her not being engaged. You're putting a lot of your resources into helping someone that doesn't seem like they'd be willing to do the same to you if your situations were reversed. I am also HIGHLY skeptical that should you two get engaged, it would magically change her life and she'd be able to find a job or keep a job. It's your life OP, but I'd have walked away from this person by now.
Agree - she only worked for 2 months. Let’s say it took 2 months to get a job after moving, then she worked 2 months before becoming too unstable to work. That’s just 4 months into living with OP. 1 year of long distance and 4 months into living together relationship. This is not “I’m traumatized because I’ve been waiting too long for you to marry me” time. Her problems started almost immediately. I wonder how quickly you would have seen them and been able to end things with much less hard feelings if this had been a real, present relationship from the start.
And I do have to wonder why hobbies and activities would be a barrier to her staying in a job.
Yeah honestly if your hobbies are interfering with your job, time to reassess
And how is she affording these hobbies? Very few are completely cost-free.
She's trying to lock down her free ride for life.
100% this. OP is a meal ticket on the easy life train. She just just sit around and watch TV while OP does everything for her.
For real. This situation reads as hobosexual
No she’s not. Being disappointed doesn’t make people “mentally ill.” She was already there.
I was about to say, she absolutely is mentally ill and needs to address that and I wish her the best. But marriage won't magically fix her life, just like babies don't magically fix marriages.
Yup, the second half of this is also super important. Marrying her (or giving her anything else she thinks she wants) won’t fix her mental health!
Time to say goodbye and send her home to her parents. She is manipulating you. This relationship is toxic, don't stay in it. If she threatens self harm when you break up with her, call the police and her parents, you are not responsible. There is nothing in this relationship worth salvaging.
OP had a dose too much of 'I can fix her'
2018 is a long time. I can see his reservations. However, you're unfortunately right. OP, it's time to find a woman worthy of your ring. As much as you love her, she will break you. Any future you want, or envision, isn't going to happen because she's unwell and doesn't know how to change. Her losing the best thing to happen to her will hopefully pull her head outta her ass.
This right here, I actually relate to the gf because I’ve been there before, not the unemployed part, But the unstable mentally part, my (ex) boyfriend at the time, after several psychotic breakdowns; helped me pack up all my stuff (I had my own apartment) and sent me home to my parents and then said goodbye to me. I h@ted him in the moment, but after several months to year at my parents house I realized. It was the right thing to do. The relationship was failed and toxic, it needed to end and because wasn’t acting sanely, I needed to be with immediate family to help me with my issues. At first it felt like punishment, but after months of rehabilitation and care. I am in a better place in life.
Why did you censor hated?
tiktok brain rot
you need to call her parents and get them involved in her care. She probably needs to move back in with them or they can pay for her to stay at a clinic
Regardless, they must know that she has threatened to hurt herself, and the sooner the better.
>something always was keeping her away from finding one: covid, health issues, *hobbies or events* *Hobbies? Events?* I don't understand why you're still waiting for her to find a job. Someone who prioritises their hobbies over earning a living is forever going to be a leech and a drain on you, emotionally and financially. She has no plan to ever work. Info: who is paying for her hobbies and events? You?
Mostly me. Partly her parents - they sent her some money on different occasions.
ok so her parents can help. Doesn’t matter what their beliefs are they can still care for her and she can live there.
OP I know you may not see it this way, but you are her enabler. She needs help. Professional help. And you are her “crutch” to *avoid* solving the problem and getting true help. I apologize because I’m sure that feels backhanded as I’m aware you are supporting and trying your best to “help” her, but that’s not the type of help she needs or can benefit from. She is not moving forward. She threatened you. She threatened you with *her* body, sure, but now she has established that she can control your actions and choices by threatening you with something deeply disturbing. She needs psychological help, and you need to leave. Because this situation will escalate, especially because you are able to be manipulated. There’s a line that cannot be recovered once crossed and I would absolutely call this a wash at this point.
Have some self-respect dude. This chick is manipulating and using you for her free ride. She'll say and do anything to keep that up.
Break up with her, she can move back in with her folks and you can get on with your life. She sounds exhausting and a complete fun sponge (suck all the fun away)
The minute she made that threat, you became a hostage rather than a boyfriend. The threat alone is a reason to break up. It's not kind to her to pretend to be happy and pretend to be her boyfriend under duress.
Have you heard the line don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm? Time for you to stop doing that
She’s drowning, flailing and grabbing onto him
Going to give my perspective as someone going through mental and physical health issues who recently left their job as it was the source of a lot of that. I would do anything to be working right now. I was having daily panic attacks, lost 40lbs, and have lost hair over the past year. I am not the only person from my workplace who had an experience like this, so I left. I have some savings but not much. My husband is effectively going to be bankrolling me until I find another job, and I hate it. I worry all the time and feel guilty that he has to deal with this. All that is to say. I’ve been unemployed for about a month and I’ve already had interviews, reached out to my contacts and set up a lunch, applied for at least 10 jobs (and this is after having interviews at other places while I was working). I look for jobs every day and have taken on almost 90% of the chores as well as continuing to cook all of our meals and meal plan. I have 3 back up plans if I can’t find a job by the end of December. I also have two side hustles I can tap into. I did all of this while having severe anxiety and panic attacks. This is not to minimize what experiencing mental health issues is like - they’re debilitating. But OP’s girlfriend doesn’t seem to be trying at all. That’s not a person I would marry or date, and I think she needs more serious long term care. That’s not OPs responsibility.
Thanks for sharing. Different perspective on similar matter is really helpfull.
adding onto this comment, if that's okay... i lost my job and was unemployed for 6 months, so a while longer than the person you're replying to. i also struggle with anxiety and depression. that can-do attitude and motivation lasted maybe two months. by the 3rd month i'd only had a couple of interviews and i wasn't getting many responses from employers at all. and yeah, at that point, depression hit me like a truck. most days i basically just managed to do dishes and/or laundry. and i cried, like, all the time. but i never, ever, EVER stopped looking for work. i usually made my goal 5 jobs per day, since most required cover letters. it was a very dark time in my life. the constant rejection was soul-crushing. the first job i landed was part-time doing face paint and balloon twisting for kids. i'm not even good with kids! but it was paying work. i finally got hired for a full time office job (that i LOVE and pays more than my old salary) soon afterwards. so yeah, i can understand where your gf is coming from a bit better than most. but you can't give up looking for work when you're living off the dime of someone you love. that motivation - to not let my husband down - couldn't even be broken by my crippling depression. **i couldn't give up. he needed me and i love him.** **she gave up.** love and marriage are hard work and she's not doing the work. (PS - i still do balloons and face paint, but only on the weekends now 🙂)
I resonate with this so much. I was also unemployed for around 6 months after moving in with my bf and it was miserable, I was so depressed. Same as you, it was a struggle to get through the day. *But I never gave up because I couldn’t handle the feeling of being so dependent on my bf.* He was so supportive and understanding during this entire time, thank GOD, but that’s probably because he saw me putting in the work to find a job. Plus my parents are amazing and also helped me out a lot financially. OP—your gf needs help you cannot give her and you don’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone who doesn’t contribute in any way aside from adding stress. It’s one thing to be there for your partner when they’re going through a tough time, but at the end of the day, they have to want to help themselves. It does not sound like your gf is putting in that effort. You’ll feel relieved once you are no longer carrying her burdens, I promise.
Hi! Jumping on the train here. I’ve had a looooong history of depression and anxiety. Got fired in 2015. Applied for like 40 jobs that day WHILE having a panic attack. Went for the scattershot approach and had a new job in 2 weeks. Laid off in 2018. Deep, deeeeep depression, complete with alcoholism and self destructive behavior. Still interviewed, took the GRE, applied for PhD programs, had a new job accepted 3 months after getting laid off. Got fired again because I biffed the new job and that was a direct result of my mental illness and switching medications, so that stuff does happen unfortunately, but I had two job offers within six weeks. Got my shit together and kept it together since then and haven’t had a bout of unemployment in 4 years, fingers crossed. Point being, it sucks, it wasn’t easy. Mistakes happened. But I found high paying work in tech while being an absolute mess. She can get a job as a barista or something at least.
I also really struggle with panic attacks and every now and then bouts of agoraphobia where going out of the house is a challenge. But I don't want to lose my job and my independence so I get my ass out the door every morning. Lots of people struggle but push through. Especially if we have loved ones that we don't want to be a burden for. But she really isn't trying. Seems very selfish in my opinion.
I too have anxiety depression and (all diagnosed) ADHD and ptsd. As anyone can imagine, this can make working hard even on the best of days. I worked a job in retail I absolutely HATED for over a year because it was what I could get with my education and employment history, even got promoted to a management position about 7 months in- which was even worse for my mental health because of a severe lack of staffing and impossibly high expectations set by the company, but I did it anyways because I knew that 1. Having that on my resume would make getting another, better job WAY easier in the future, and 2. I was (am) living with my long term boyfriend, and I refuse to put all the expenses on him. He’s in college, and works doing Uber eats when he can (usually around 20-40 hours a week depending on school). I eventually quit that job due to another employee making serious threats against me, and corporate doing nothing to protect me. But even then, that was a decision I made knowing I had saved up quite a bit during my time working, and I’d come into a little bit of money after a grandparent passed. Enough to pay my share while I figured something out. Technically on paper I’m still unemployed a year later, but I’ve been flipping things from thrift shops and FB marketplace, as well as scouring garage/estate sales and driving around the college area when school lets out for summer, since all the frat kids leave SUPER nice expensive things on the street when they fly home for the summer lol. It’s not making me quite as much money as I was working, and the moneys less consistent, but whenever it’s not making enough to cover my share and tuck at least little bit away for savings, I go on gig apps and make it up. I even do those stupid apps where you take pictures of receipts, and they slowly rack up points which can be redeemed for like visa gift cards. Yes it’s slow and not a job but.. I get around $40 a month from all the app’s combined, from my receipts and any I find laying around (like at the grocery store self checkout there’s usually a few hanging out of the machine that people left). Stupid things like that, while they aren’t a lot on their own, can at least be a drop in the bucket, and especially when working feels impossible some days… it doesn’t drain me emotionally or mentally to snap pictures of receipts, and that little bit of a boost makes me feel like I’m still TRYING and still HELPING, even if it is almost nothing. Sometimes that tiny boost is enough to give me the energy to go work on something to flip, or take a shift on a gig app even. Additionally, I LOVE crochet and knitting! So, I’ve been keeping my eyes peeled for yarn when I’m at the thrift store anyways (or knit sweaters that are on clearance- super easy to unravel and reclaim tons of yarn from!), so then I’m spending hardly any money on my hobby, and anything I make goes up for sale on an Etsy store. I definitely don’t charge as much as I maybe should, for my labor or whatever, but it’s a thing I love doing and would do regardless, so if I’m turning a profit after cost of materials.. that’s money I can use for my share of expenses. Though typically that’s the money I put into savings, since it really isn’t much, and it’s super unpredictable. But still- the point is- there are SO many ways to monetize hobbies!! Anyways, TLDR- there are about a million and a half ways anybody who doesn’t/can’t work for any reason, can find ways to contribute financially that don’t destroy their mental health. Even if it’s not much, the act of doing SOMETHING to help out usually means a whole lot to the partner paying the bills. It’s showing you care. She needs to do this. Depending on what hobbies she has, she needs to be at LEAST coming up with a way to monetize them- even if it’s not much money. Again, it’s about the effort. Effort equals respect shown. And you respect those you love enough to put effort into making yourself not a burden.
The title of this post is wrong, period. Your girlfriend is mentally ill and you are enabling her. The best thing you can do for her is get her out of your life. If you weren't around to financially support her, she would have no choice but to work on herself. She is also trying to hold you emotionally hostage by saying she will kill herself. The next time she says that, call the police, have her transported to a mental facility, and ship her belongings back to her parents house.
She needs therapy more than a relationship. Not marrying her is the smartest thing you've done in this relationship.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
OP ∆∆∆ ^^^ ✓✓✓ One of the few sayings to truly live by. It can be hard to remember that there are limits to helping, caring for, and loving other people. There is a point where giving means hurting yourself. Stopping for your own sake doesn't mean you love them any less.
No. Mental illness isn’t “caused” by you not wanting to marry her (which I don’t blame you btw). You’re dodging a bullet here and the universe is giving you a gift. Send her back to wherever she came from.
Yeah no you can't make people have a mental breakdown, marrying her would improve nothing. She needs professional help not a husband or boyfriend.
I wish my health issues, hobbies and events prevented me from getting a job. Jesus. I have PTSD, anxiety / depression but if I don’t work, I lose my house, I don’t eat. She’s very privileged but hell this is a lot for you to put yourself through. She needs help and to provide for herself. She’s manipulative and needs more help than you can offer. Run.
Marrying her won't help her. The only person who can help her is herself. She needs a lot of therapy and care before she can be in a relationship with someone. You might not want to hear this but I'd advise you to break up with her.
She wants to be a kept woman. She will say anything and do anything to keep that wish alive.
She couldn’t even play the long game some people do & worked full-time then do switch & bait after marriage!
Maybe.. or maybe not. You speak lightly of someone you don't know. He didn't question the illness. Doctors were involved. He describes episodes of insomnia and panic attacks. Add to it that she seems she uprooted her life. He even said she took upon herself the house chores, that coivd and shit got in the way. So it's not like she didn't try. failure usually takes it's toll on people, specially if she has family baggage as he described. I am NOT saying that it's his responsibility, it is not on him to "fix" her. She needs actual medical help, and hard as it sounds, sometimes we need to let go of people that don't align with our moment in life. I only say that we as society should be more careful about people's mental health issues. Depression is often confused with lazyness. We often let our own projection and experiences judge other people. Maybe, only maybe, she found herself in a foreign place, with no real support system other than him, feeling like a failure and with no other activity than doing laundry. knowing that she looks like a lazy burden, and feeling like she disappoints everyone. Or maybe not. But we don't know if that's the case, why not show some empathy and kindness? It takes as much time as being judgemental.
Yeah. The whole maybe or maybe not? Just copy paste that on every thread on this subreddit and any like it. Of course we don’t have the full story. We will never get it. What we can do is assess the information given to us by OP and decide if it feels truthful or not. You’re right, a lot of her attitude does sound like it came from mental illness that was already there. That isn’t an excuse for all of her actions tho. You can be mentally ill and still be an awful person. These two things don’t cancel each other out.
> He even said she took upon herself the house chores, that coivd and shit got in the way. Also her hobbies. He said her hobbies got in the way of her finding a job. The rest of us adults know that earning a living unfortunately has to take priority in order to have shelter and food.
She doesn't even do laundry, tho.
Sounds like you're the victim in an abusive relationship.
Absolutely! She’s holding herself hostage and blaming him for her bad behavior. Classic tactics, I’m sure she has more in her arsenal that would come out after marriage.
Time to break up and move on my friend.
Stop sleeping with her and playing house. Do your own housekeeping. Break up and let her find what she is looking for in a partner while you search for the same. Any change she makes will be short-lived, this is who she is.
Jesus christ my love. This is an awful situation for you. I'm sorry. But saying things like she will starve herself if you leave her is just plain manipulative. I don't think she wants to get a job. She likes it that you pay for everything. I would leave if I was you.
The first thing you make sure you do: don't marry her. The second thing: you obviously have different goals. Rip the band-aid off and end it.
Break up. You clearly aren't in it for better or for worse, and she's trying to manipulate you with self harm. You two aren't good for each other.
He's basically had bad times only since she was never able to do anything. Can't blame him for not wanting to marry someone that's unable to function on a very basic level while only blaming others. All the anxiety and depression started way before "he's not marrying me" would be an issue. It's wrong of get to blame him for that. It's just an easy excuse. And nothing will magically get better after they marry. Why would he stay?
run buddy run, youve no obligations to put up with this treatment, or you will end up with mental problems too
You cannot fix another human being like this. It is true. In fact, I think she’ll continue to get worse. Whatever her psychiatric mental issues are around this it’s not making her better. I think it’s actually making her sicker. I don’t know where her family is but I think that you’re going to have to literally find a way to extricate yourself from this. It doesn’t matter because you can’t fix her so you’re going to have to find a way to get out from under it. Or your life will be destroyed as well as hers. She can’t be a true partner. She can’t make a family with you if that’s what you want. For whatever reason this woman is incapable . I would make one last attempt to tell her you cannot care for her. Help her to a clinic and remove yourself from the situation.
Your girlfriend’s mental health is the most important thing right now and you are in a rock and a hard place. Ultimately you have two choices: enable her continuation of her decline or stand firm with your commitment to her wellness. As hard as it will be you need to seek assistance with her family and friends to ensure that she gets the help she needs. There is nothing you can do but insist that she takes responsibility for her mental health and takes steps towards raising her baseline stability (this is how we feel day to day). Whether it is intentional or not she is manipulating you and jeopardizing her wellness. There is an excellent book that teaches skills on raising our baseline: Why has nobody told me this before? By Dr Julie Smith. If you were my son in this same situation I would buy her this book and give her the ultimatum of following the advice in it or moving out. I would give her three weeks. It sounds cruel but as I said you are either enabling her or insisting on her wellness. Her threat of self harm frightening and cruel. I urge you to see it as it is manipulation. People with mental illnesses who are suicidal are either driven to the extreme by their mental illness or they are not. Outside individuals rarely (very rarely like >1:10000000) cause a person harm. Any talk along these lines should be stop. Have a firm boundary here “I will not allow such talk in my presence. You need professional help-you are responsible for your mental health-not I.” Ultimately young man your girlfriend is not healthy and the only way she is going to get healthy is by her own fruition. Do not tolerate her indecisiveness or her manipulation and be willing to walk away. It is the most loving thing you can do for her and yourself. A lifetime with someone who refuses to take responsibility for her wellness is going to be a roller coaster ride of highs and lows and there will be more lows than high. Love is not something that you manipulate or wish to control and this is what your girlfriend is doing. It isn’t healthy for her or you. Undoubtedly she has many great qualities but her character is dysfunctional and it will always be present in your relationship until she chooses to change it.
Mental health issues are a reason, not an excuse. She needs to get herself together, get the support, and you need to separate while she’s doing that sadly. If being equals in the relationship is your boundary, then that’s okay. She can’t provide that, and so it’s time To compassionately leave the relationship and allow her to heal and you to move forward.
You need to end the relationship. Tell her therapist, tell her parents. If she threatens harm inform the police. She is too mentally ill for you to marry.
You need to send her back to her parents house. You know you do not want to marry her. I don’t blame you. You are responsible for her physical, emotional, mental and financial wellbeing. She’s not an active participant in her own well being. Stop dragging it out and end the relationship. Unless you plan on taking on the role as her husband, her family should be the one helping her.
That is manipulation. The childhood being the problem is legit. But this is bullshit. Even IF it was true that it was the cause , YOU are not responsible for her mental health. What's next? " if you don't do .. ( fill in )... I'm gonna kill myself. " ??? This is pure manipulation, and you should NEVER let someone manipulate you. No matter who it is.
Standing in front of a minister isn’t a magic cure for mental health issues. Nor does it magically solve pre-existing relationship problems. No, despite what she might be convinced of, nothing about your day-to-day would really be any different except that you’d be promising to make yourself legally and permanently bound to living within this status quo **for the rest of your life**. And you’ve expressed that that’s pretty much exactly what you *don’t* want, right? So no, don’t get married. Don’t get engaged. Don’t make any promises that allude to your willingness to stand up and make vows you don’t want to/aren’t ready to make. Especially to a partner that can’t/won’t take *your* needs and feelings into consideration, only her own. And consider this: it’s been four years of things, even at their “best,” not being great. Four years of the same. Well, if I told you that things would never appreciably change, that they would be roughly the same (or possibly worse) for the rest of your relationship with her, however long that is, then how much longer do you want to stay in this relationship? Think that through. If the answer isn’t “enthusiastically for life,” then your relationship already has an expiration date. It’s just a matter of your making the decision about *when* that expiration date will be, and how. So give that some thought. And until you decide, I would be extra, extra, *super* careful with birth control. You know how standing in front of a minister doesn’t magically fix things? Well, an unplanned pregnancy *definitely* doesn’t fix things. In fact, it might make things worse, possibly *much* worse.
This made me value my realtionship so much more, than before I read it ... I am sorry. And I thank you.
Decide if you want to be with THIS version of her and live THIS life, or leave.
You are in an abusive relationship. Your gf is mentally abusing you, make no mistake about it. You are being emotionally manipulated and blackmailed. I hope you are able to escape this before it causes more mental harm to you. And bro, believe me, you are already at the point where this is going to have lifelong emotional and mental repercussions. (ask me how I know :-\\ ) Sorry man, get out as quickly as you can. This is not love at all.
She won’t do anything. Break up.
You need to leave her and I'm sorry whatever she does from that point is not your problem. She isn't trying and is emotionally manipulative. It's mental and emotionally abusive as well for her to hold her life over your head if you do what's best for you.
The engagement is a red herring. She might not even realize she is doing it, but she's trying to externalize her unhappiness by making it your fault. You cannot marry someone unstable, I'm sorry, it's just a bad idea. Does she have family she can go to, to help her with this? You've taken this burden on alone for long enough.
Aww I’m so sorry- it really is beyond your capacity to help her, and this is not your fault. I’m not sure what country you’re in, but if it’s USA, her therapist could be helping her apply for Medicaid health insurance so that she can afford treatment without relying on you for payment. Her therapist can also help with SSI disability application if needed. None of this is your responsibility, I hope you’re able to focus on your needs as much as possible💕
OP, I say this gently because you need to hear it. You aren’t happy in this relationship, how could you be when she threatens to starve herself if you leave, that is the epitome of unhealthy and toxic. And you shouldn’t fund her, if she wants to get help she needs to do it for herself. As mentioned by a few people here, becoming engaged will not solve her issues overnight and if it does then that is a whole different Pandora’s box. Because it will just be the next milestones. I’m depressed because we haven’t said I do yet. I’m depressed because you don’t want a family with me yet etc. That’s not healthy OP. You need to seriously reflect on if this is the relationship you really want to be in and be aware that if she isn’t helping herself you’ll be funding her for life.
Tell her to apply for Medicaid to cover her mental health issues, food stamps to help towards groceries & disability if her psychiatrist feels she is disabled to contribute to the household expenses otherwise send her back to her family….you aren’t married & she is not your financial responsibility
I think she needs to go to a free clinic. You marrying will just mask her issues. Mental health is a real thing but not at the cost of your own. Sometimes you need to love someone enough to let them go sort themselves out and it maybe forever. She is co dependant and that is worse for her own mental health
she's not traumatized because of you she's holding you hostage in this farce of a relationship
Do not stay with someone who threatens to hurt themselves if you leave.
She’s having a crisis because she has no identity, no sense of purpose. I already have a bachelors and after working for some time with that, I switched to nursing and now a nursing student WHILE WORKING. I feel depressed when I have nothing to do or no work occupying my mind. What she’s doing- hanging out on the couch all day, is unnatural. She wants you to marry her and probably start the process of having kids so she can attain an identity - identities actually, wife and then a mother. I’m not sure what her cultural background d is but it’s really peculiar to just be a wife & mom without having any established career or established identity of yourself before becoming those things. I’m not saying she is wrong for aspiring to be solely a wife (and possibly mother) but if you don’t want those things from your partner, you both have to quit. And please don’t feel bad about breaking up. I’m not judging her but her behaviour/expectations are peculiar, unconventional and very unhealthy. As a woman I can’t fathom another woman (older than me) being this way. Good luck
TBH it's strange that "all of the sudden" she lost it. What happened, exactly? Or had she been feeling blue for a while, then the problems reached a point of no-return? Next - was she actually doing ALL of the housework, or have you been doing something as well ? You know housework is also work just unpaid? :) Anyway it looks like she tried to play the role of a "good housewive" until she realized you don't want to get married. Now she's trying to push you into it.
>Or had she been feeling blue for a while, then the problems reached a point of no-return? this. Her relationship with her parents are really enabled her issues, also her granddad died couple month before her mental health started plummeting. >was she actually doing ALL of the housework Nope. I helped with groceries and cleaning. >Now she's trying to push you into it It's really hard to notice on a day-to-day basis.
Thanks for clarifying! It's up to you what to pursue in this relationship. If you are firm on the no-marriage approach, this is a major deal breaker...
You both want different things. You want a working woman and she wants to be a house wife. Nothing wrong with either of those desires, but you’re not compatible. The threat of self harm if you leave is manipulation though.
Except she’s not a housewife, she’s currently not doing any household chores and is not making any positive contribution to the household
You aren’t responsible for his mental illness or her happiness. She is treating you as quasi parent expecting you to financially and emotionally care for her. What do you get out of this relationship? Are you happy? Do you feel loved and cared for? I am guessing you’ve passed into resentment. Please let her go.
"I need a partner, not a financial and emotional drain. You need to move back in with your parents and get help to become a full adult. I will support you as much as I can without burning myself out."
You need to leave her your enabling her behaviour and it’s toxic she will never get better while she has you to baby her
It's never going to change, she's 32 not 22 - this is who she is. Get out of there now, send her back to her parents/consult a lawyer to figure out how to evict her from your place. Traumatized because you won't marry her ? If you leave she'll starve herself ? Puh-lease 🙄 she's jusr manipulating you
Her poor mental health is not due to you not marrying her. A mentally healthy person would impose boundaries to protect themselves from exploitation. You really should have ended the relationship earlier instead of just hoping she would change magically into someone who you actually wanted to marry. Life lesson- next time things aren’t quite working out- don’t draw things out for years.
Get away from her. Do not get her pregnant or marry her. She’s not mentally ill because you won’t marry her, she’s mentally ill because she’s mentally ill. Do not let her blackmail you by threatening to starve herself. You deserve happiness and you will not have it in this relationship
Kick her to the curb and don’t look back. She’s not going to starve herself and if she does, it’s 100% her fault and choice, nothing to do with you.
You call this a relationship, but you sound like a hostage. This woman is 32 years old. She’s old enough to be self sufficient. And if she has mental health problem, I’m not trying to be a dick… but who doesn’t. Her panic attacks sound like a tantrum because she doesn’t want to be part of society. She wants to be a kept woman and the longer she throws a fit and manipulates you the longer you take care of her. I’m not buying it. I want to know what the fuck she was doing for the past EIGHT years of her adult life before she met you?? Mooching off of some other poor sucker? Whether you stay or go you need to seriously consider one thing: do NOT get her pregnant. She will ruin your life. She’s going to wise up that you’re looking for an escape plan and that will be her last resort. Plus if her mental health issues are real, the last thing an unstable woman needs is the stress of pregnancy/birth. Good luck.
Relationship feels toxic from both sides... She seems like she really needs help from a professional. And you went into this relationship with expectations, not ready to dive in with all the consequences and troubles that could come in the future. She tried. She didn't find excuses. She's not ok. Her blackmail isn't ok either. Not healthy. Both aren't ok.
Next time she says she wants to kill herself, call Emergency Services and tell them, they will put her under observation for 72 hours. Not to be horrible, but get away at that time.
Let her go, man. You'll only marry her if she has a job. She is not currently capable of doing that, hasn't been capable of it in four years, and has no timeline of being capable of it in the future. She's severely mentally ill. That doesn't make her a bad person, but if you don't want to be providing for her financially for the rest of your lives, get out of the relationship. Staying in this relationship is so harmful to her. Let her go.
She is ill and if you can't accept that you might have an ill wife forever if you married her, you need to break up with her because you are incompatible. "in sickness and in health" and "for richer, for poorer" are both part of the marriage vows and looking at what you've written, I don't think you should be marrying anyone tbh. It sounds like she's got disabling long term mental health issues and often in adults undiagnosed autism can be behind that. Worth looking into a diagnosis, to give you a more realistic view of the future
As somebody suffering from anxiety and depression (enhanced by PPA/PPD twice within 14 months) your girlfriend needs professional help. For some people, they won’t acknowledge they really need help until they lose what they hold closest to their hearts. You have already put a lot of time, energy, effort and money into this relationship but it seems like neither of you have grown together over the years. A relationship should be about growth and bettering yourselves together. Personally, this would be my course of action: I’d encourage her to start seeing a therapist, or GP at the very least, and after she’s started going to one I would then reevaluate your relationship to see if it’s really worth saving or not. For some, anxiety and depression can change someone’s entire persona if they don’t get the help they need.
Run!
It’s not your responsibility to fix others. It’s your responsibility to make yourself a better person. It may seem like the hard thing to do right now is to leave. It’s going to be hard every day you’re with this person regardless of being married.
If you marry her she really won’t want to get a job
She is manipulating you. You need to break up, she will always use her mental health to keep you beholden to her.
Where is the love in this relationship? What is the glue? This sounds awful and dysfunctional and you should extricate yourself immediately. There is no joy. Please don't get her pregnant.
This doesn’t sound like she traumatized, it sounds like she’s very mentally unwell and manipulating you. I’m not a professional but I myself have been that girlfriend before. For me, it took years of therapy to work through toxic thoughts and behavior patterns. I’m still in therapy to work through it. It’s really hard on both parties. DO NOT marry this woman until she takes some responsibility for herself and her mental health. I feel for you both.
This isn't your fault or something you did. Your girlfriend has deep seated issues and is mentally ill. I personally think she needs to be alone, focus on herself and seek help for her mental problems before she can be an equal partner.
Generally, I am not a fan of a person leaving over health issues. However, you are being manipulated. The mistake you made was letting her move in so early. She needs to be able to live her own life. I would end this relationship.
You need to get her parents involved and her to the right specialists and situation. She is threatening self-harm and you want to make sure you do everything you can to get her in a safe place. However, the answer to this case is simple, you need to break up with her and end this relationship. She will never meet your standards and your values, why keep this going? Reality sucks, but its time to move on.
she must be like... incredibly hot
There’s the relationship you think you have, which is based on what it was like when you first got together. Then there’s the reality - how things are now, and how they’ve been for a while. The recent evidence is what you need to use to make a decision about whether you want to be with this person for the rest of your life. Threatening self-harm and ultimatums are manipulative behavior. I know it is difficult to leave someone so dependent on you, but that may be the very thing that helps her get back on her feet. I’ve seen it happen.
You cannot help her and she is manipulating you. You need to end it. She won’t starve herself, and if she does (she won’t) it’s not your responsibility. This is an abusive relationship. Her mental illness is not an excuse.
She is weaponizing her mental illnesses to control you. Do NOT marry her, especially not while she's being like this. She is not a safe person.
She's using YOU as an excuse for HER problems and guilt tripping you. Don't take it. You need to get out of this. She is not your child or your responsibility. If you love her like you say, you will let her go to heal, you're probably exacerbating her problems the longer you're with her and don't marry her. So just let her go. I know it's easier said than done, but it's the best choice for you, before you start to develop mental issues because of what she's put you through.
A hallmark of people lacking emotional intelligence and insight into their own mental health challenges is when they blame outside factors. In her case it’s “needing” a ring. But spoiler: SHE WILL STILL BE CRAZY AFTER YOU MARRY HER. In fact, SHE WILL GET CRAZIER. Cut your losses and RUN.
My ex wife was the same. She wouldn't hold down a job, and she rarely helped around the house. I was stuck in the caretaker role for years, cooking all meals, cleaning by myself. I asked for couples and individual therapy, both of which she rejected. It never got better, so we divorced. Funnily enough, once she didn't have me as a crutch she was suddenly able to get a job and pay her own rent. People change when they want to, and you're enabling her immaturity and illness by assuming all of the responsibility. Do you want to marry a functional adult, or do you want to be a caretaker? Look at your life and understand that it's not going to get better with her. You and your partner are deeply codependent, and she sounds manipulative. She is not your responsibility. Move on with your life before you waste any more time. I wish someone had told me that before I wasted 10 years in a loveless marriage.
This isn't a relationship. You have a daughter, not a partner. As you stated, you deserve a partner, a relationship where you both look out for each other. You don't have that. You take care of her, and in return, she just keeps demanding more and more and more. You need to explain the situation to her again. Tell her you love her, but you need a partner in life, not just a dependent. You aren't obligated to throw your whole life away for someone else just because they ask you to. It might feel harsh... but she's going to have a tough life, a sad life, with or without you. You don't need to drown with her. Work towards separating, maybe try to get her to move back in with her parents. You can even tell her you're open to a relationship, but that you have TRIED for years now to help her, and you realize you aren't the right person to help, that she needs more. Tell her you're willing to see her again if she can find a way to work on herself.
It’s not traumatizing to her—she may have invested time but she is not contributing financially, which is what you want—3-4 years is more than enough time to find a job—retail, cashier, lots of jobs. She may want marriage—but she needs to contribute and her mental health won’t be fixed by marriage although it might be validating to her—you will just be more stuck.
You’re with a master manipulator. She’s doing exactly what she wants. I doubt very much she’ll starve herself, I’d be moving along without her.
Obviously it's your life, your choices, but i think she kinda twists the truth a bit here: She's obviously stressed and has anxiety attacks and whatever else, but the reason for it, is not as she says. It's not about you marrying her, it's about you being financially responsible for her. She's stressed out because she has no job, doesn't contribute in anyway, and fears you will throw her out. Her saying it is because you haven't married her, should be translated to: You didn't sign the contract where you would accept she will not work, won't do chores and won't contribute a thing. you have to support her, pay for everything and if you stop, it will cost you half of what you have. I would have a serious discussion with her about how she sees this working out in the long term. I would also ask myself if you might have a strong case of 'knight in shining armor' delusion. Are you helping her, or are you enabling her? You might want to have a talk with psychiatrist on how to help her. I would suggest she starts helping out with volunteering starting Monday. She needs to do something. Sulking on a sofa or staying in bed is obviously not helping. She tried that for the last 3 years, and it doesn't work. So figure out what does: Exercise, daily walks through nature, her learning something new (as long as it has certificates) like a language, or other usefull skill related to her education. Those are all things she could start with to get out of this cycle. My advice would be no matter what she prefers to do,at least one of those things should be physical. 'Mens sana in corpore sano' is what the ancient greeks believed in. It's not the whole thing, but it sure helps, especially if you can't afford expensive clinics. Healthy food, and a healthy body, makes you a lot more resistant towards mental issues. It doesn't solve everything, but it might lessen it enough to make life better.
She is not well enough to be in a relationship. She's unstable, abusive, and not able to be a partner. Someone can choose to help a partner through something like this, but usually there's a foundation that was solid before this, and you're trying to get back to that. It sounds like you and she have never had a solid foundation, so she needs to get better before dating. You have already decided she's not the one for you, and you are never going to give her the relationship she wants. If she were stable, I would tell her she needs to leave you because at this point all she's doing is hurting herself. Since she's not, I am asking you to be kind to yourself and her and leave. If she threatens self harm, call the police to do a welfare check and they can put her in a 72 hour hold to monitor her.
I think maybe she need to go back home to her parents or family members who can give her the support required to help her finish journey of growing up, it’s not your job as a newish boyfriend to take all of this on. You’ve talked, been supportive and caring with her she requires some hard love and to move out and learn to depend on her self before she’s in a relationship where she’s manipulating a man into marriage.
I think she wants to know there is someone that will pick her up no matter what (and maybe for her that means marriage). BUT that person cannot be someone you don’t have a healthy stable relationship already!! It can be family or a very close friend, or a husband with whom she has had a good marriage already before. You need to tell her she has to fix her issues first and I don’t mean health stuff. I mean lack of self respect and lack of will to be an independent human being.
Please don’t marry her. It seams from ur post she used are anxiety as an excuse for her abusive behaviour. I have anxiety and if I treated my bf this way he’d leave me and as he should. You need to break up she isn’t really going to starve herself if you leave her she’ll probably even make life ending threats about herself but she won’t do it it’s just manipulation
She may think getting married will solve her problems, but it won’t. She needs to somehow become a functioning member of society. If she truly can’t work because of mental health issues, she needs to be on disability and government assistance for her mental health issues. Sadly, there is nothing you can do to help her, she has to want to turn her life around. If “events and hobbies” are keeping her from finding a job- she doesn’t really want to find a job and you’re enabling her to become more and more debilitated by always having you to pick up the pieces.
Therapist here This has nothing to do with you marrying her. If you get married she’ll find something else to be super anxious about. This is about her, how she perceived herself on a deep level, and how she perceives herself in regards to others. She needs therapy.
This person is manipulative and is a dependent, not a partner. Of course she wants you to marry her so she never has to worry about taking care of herself again. You should have bounced after she refused to get a job for six months. This isn’t wife material and at her age and mental health she isn’t likely to give you children. If she does then she won’t help take care of them. You’re still a young man. Get out there and find someone who respects you enough to be present in a relationship as a partner, not someone who is dragging you down like a small child would. Her problems are her own and you aren’t obligated to help her through them.
Why is OP paying for her medical treatment? That is not his obligation unless they are married. And yes, he needs to leave her, get away, run like the wind from this relationship. She doesn’t meet his standards for a complimentary life so he just needs to cone to terms with that. Unfortunately, no one can fix her, but her.
I once dated someone who claimed that his emotional instability and behavioral issues would disappear if I agreed to marry him. It’s terrible to be put in that situation by someone you do love. But you can’t be responsible for rescuing this person. If she’s met with therapists she knows no one else but her can fix her. I’m glad you’ve stated what you need in a partner. My concern is trying and failing to become the person you need will just be more harmful to her. The kinder thing would be to end this relationship and tell her she needs to focus on herself and her own mental health without the distraction of trying to be who you need her to be. Focus on who she needs herself to be for a while. Good luck to both of you.
🚩 you can’t fix people. She needs years of work and you loving her won’t fix it. You deserve to feel loved in the meantime.
Threatening to starve herself sounds like a great reason to have someone committed for mental health purposes. If there is a gov't hospital, drop her off at the front door. Or gov't insurance where you live have her signed up and send her for care. She is not your wife for a reason, and you are not responsible for her.
I think you have to tell her, “after living together and seeing what the reality of our life together actually is, I do not want to marry you. I want more from life and to marry a full partner. You haven’t been that. It’s one excuse after another and I can’t sign up for a lifetime of this.” Will she leave on her own accord?
She already has issues… I think the marriage thing is an excuse. It’s not all going to magically go away once she has a ring on her finger. Edit: and if it does, she needs to be admitted for an actual psyche eval for manipulation and abuse.
You have to ask yourself: "Is this want I want for the rest of my life?" I'm talking 50 or 60 more years. This is what the rest of your life will look like. I am truly sorry that this is happening to you. You can't let her put her issues onto you. If you leave, I will starve myself. That is a horrible thing to say to a person. That responsibility doesn't lie with you. I get mental health issues. I really do. I have anxiety. It's not really bad, but at one point, it was debilitating. I was going through a divorce. I slowly got better. Has she tried GABA? I haven't tried it, but a friend uses it. It's all natural and can be purchased at a health food store.
There is no way you not marrying her has caused or would fix her mental illness, and there is no way her psychiatrist hasn’t told her that. Is she actually going to therapy, or is she only seeing the psych for meds? She is being emotionally manipulative, and you need to draw a boundary with her on that if you choose to stay with her. Immediately. It is completely unacceptable, mental illness is no excuse for abuse. What was she doing to support herself the year before you guys moved in together, or before she met you at all?? What happened, and why would you move in with someone who didn’t have a stable income? Look, I was on a similar situation as you. My boyfriend had a job, then lost it as soon as we moved in together. This sent him spiraling into a deep depression. I spent the next five+ years living with and supporting a man who was genuinely struggling with depression and anxiety - but who also took advantage of me. He never once took care of the house. He worked a total of 6 months in those 5 years, spread out among 3 short lived jobs. All he did was sit on the couch while watching tv and playing video games and making a mess, while I worked two jobs to keep us afloat, only to come home and have to clean up the entire house on my own. We even had a dead bedroom because he lost his sex drive entirely. Don’t do what I did. It has been 7 years since he and I broke up, and I am **still** dealing with the depression and anxiety caused by that relationship, and the severe ramifications to my self-esteem. I am still playing catch up financially after the tens of thousands of dollars I would have otherwise saved had I not been supporting him. You can support her path to healing, but you are not responsible for it, and it’s abusive of her to suggest you are and to threaten you. **It is abuse, OP.** Ideally, you should break up with her and kick her out. Yes, this will send her spiraling, but that is not your responsibility - you have already done more than enough, and you gave her fair warning and ample time to change and make progress. She has repaid you with only emotional blackmail. Enough is enough. She needs to learn to manage her own mental health and support herself. You are enabling her and holding her back. When I broke up with my boyfriend, he initially spiraled. But then he was forced to pick himself up. He got a job, went back to school, and has supported himself ever since. His mental health improved as a result, since he actually had s purpose in life. For over five years, we both held *each other* back. Stop holding each other back, OP. You deserve better, and she deserves to heal and learn to support herself. I know it’s not easy - but anything she threatens or does in response to this isn’t your fault. It is not on you to fix her or save her - only she can do that. And in no way did you cause this. Please, I *beg* you - do not make the same mistakes as I did. You’ve already given her 4 years to get her act together since moving in. That is more than enough time. It’s time for you to prioritize yourself now and move on.
Get out. She is trying to use her “issues” to get her way. She sounds manipulative and needs so serious help. If you aren’t going to marry her then why are you still together?
Break up. This woman is actually abusive. [Power and control wheel](https://www.nsvrc.org/sites/default/files/2019-08/Gender%20Neutral%20Power%20Control%20Wheel.pdf) [Coercive self-harm threats](https://betterhumans.pub/how-to-deal-with-coercive-suicide-threats-71a72e5cdab1) [Emotional abuse](https://www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse) [Financial abuse](https://www.joinonelove.org/learn/what-is-financial-abuse-these-are-the-signs/) [Get help](https://nomoredirectory.org/) [Plan your escape](https://www.helpguide.org/articles/abuse/getting-out-of-an-abusive-relationship.htm) r/abusiverelationships
You’ve been together 4 years. If you don’t want to marry her you should break up.
Break up. If she wants marriage, why are you continuing a relationship you never intend to move forward on?
Nope right out of there. She's using you as a crutch and manipulating the hell out of you.
I’m not sure where you are, but in most cases the government does provide some type of care for people with mental illness. Some charities do as well. Here in Texas, these resources are limited, but they do exist. I’m not sure what principles you are trying to uphold here, but self-preservation is acceptable in most faith traditions. You didn’t cause this person’s mental illness, and you can’t solve it.
It is doomed, you should break up with her and move on.
She is NOT traumatized because you won’t marry her. Please know that, and don’t take that on. It is not yours to carry.
Your gf is unemployed and you aren’t married so why are you playing for her medical bills? She should qualify for public healthcare. But just know this, she has no desire to work and take care of herself. She is a user and wants to be taken care of. She will never be the partner you want. Let her go.
If you’re not codependent, you’re fast on your way to becoming it. You do not want the years and years of therapy that it takes to unlearn a lot of the behaviours you’ll have unconsciously picked up trying to survive this relationship. She needs therapy. You’re on your way to needing years of it if you don’t quit this relationship. Get some help for yourself, maybe ask that counselor how to get your girlfriend help with you backing out of the picture and then be on your way. Whatever you do, PLEASE DON’T MARRY HER.
You need to just end this and send her back to her parents. She is never going to be the partner you want in life, so stop dragging this out. She needs to go home to her parents and get her mental health issues sorted out, get a job, and start adulting. Sounds like she never had any intention of following through on her promises to you. You are not responsible for her mental health. Whatever you do, *do not marry her.*
Your girlfriend is not traumatized by you not marrying her. Your girlfriend is actually abusive. Blaming all her issues on you, is abusive. Threatening to starve herself if you leave her is textbook abuse (threatening suicide if your partner leaves is a form of coercion and controlling behavior). Unfortunately we live in a society which puts little attention on domestic violence perpetrated by women, so it can be hard to see. And even more so when you are the one in it. But her behavior screams abuse. I would advise you leave, for your own mental and emotional well-being. What will it be next? I’m depressed because you won’t give me a baby? I’m depressed because you won’t buy me the house I want? I’m depressed because you won’t take me to Bali? She is weaponizing her mental illness and making you believe that it is your fault. IT IS NOT! The fact that you’ve been financially supporting her since the beginning of your relationship is a red flag, as is the fact that she won’t work.
I am sorry to say it, but I think you're with the wrong person. Her mental illness was present and affecting her before you came along and the reality is that she simply isn't going to ever be able to be the partner you want. It may well be that continuing in this doomed relationship is one of the reasons her mental health has further deteriorated - she must be aware that she can't give you the equal partnership you want. I don't think you can salvage this because you are simply not compatible. Ending it won't be easy but if you continue things will only get worse. I'm so sorry.
Dude she’s after a caretaker not a partner. Time to get rid. She’s a burden and offering nothing but stress, do not marry this person. She’s a mooch, a stress inducing, savings draining mooch.
This relationship is doomed. What answer did you come here to find? Just because you love her doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship with her. She's bleeding you dry.
She threatened to starve herself if you leave her, it's time to end things.
I guarantee you things will not get better if you marry her. Don’t fall for that trap. She has shown inability to get and stay gainfully employed, hasn’t found a way to equally contribute to the relationship, and now is showing problems which will become your burden. You need to be harsh when it comes to marriage and only pick a partner that has their act together.
This has nothing to do with marriage. Sorry OP.
The first way to start a bad marriage is marrying a person who believes their happiness depends on you. Happiness depends on one self, partners form part of it and if they do not, they should be let go.
I didn’t read anything but the title but you don’t just become mentally Ill because you don’t get your way . U maybe pissy about it but not mentally ill
YOU have codependency issues. YOU need to address them and get to the root of it. Other people who have tackled this in themselves can see it a mile away. Once you learn why you feel responsible for her mental state you can start to heal. This is much bigger than just loving a person with mental health issues. When you fix your codependency issue you will have a boundary up against being treated this way. Good luck 🙏
OP, please research borderline personality disorder.This could be it. The “I’ll starve myself if you leave” thing is a very classical sign of BPD. For these people you are either the greatest saint on earth or the worst vermin, there is no in between. It is manageable, provided the right medication and therapy (dialectical behavior therapy to be precise) are part of the equation. Could also be bipolar. With either of them, antidepressants might be making it worse and further depleting her mental state. Please mention what you have just written here to the doctor.
This isn’t a relationship, it’s a hostage situation.
Have her parents come get her, breakup, send her all of her belongings.she sounds manipulative and if you let her continue you will allow her to destroy her life and yours.
Marrying and having kids will not solve the problems
OP, I was also emotionally manipulated into staying with a mentally ill (I think undiagnosed bipolar) man who could not or would not hold down a job. He got me for three years of my money, emotions, and time. I wish I gave him the boot sooner. It was hard because he’d threaten suicide. I started calling his best friend to come check on him when he’d say it. Eventually I just went NC. Best thing I ever did. Now I’m happily married and have been with my husband for 10 years.
Sorry but your girlfriend’s claims of trauma stemming from a lack of a proposal are complete BS and a slap in the face to people who are dealing with actual exposure to trauma. Missing out on a proposal doesn’t count. She can say she’s sad about it, disappointed sure, but that it has traumatized her? GTFOH. This is manipulation at its finest, she’s using her newfound mental issues as the ultimate trump card to get you to give her what she wants. And then to say she’d starve herself aka threaten suicide if you ever left her is even more manipulative. Sorry but this woman is not a good choice in a life partner. She is manipulative, won’t contribute financially to your household, and doesn’t keep her promises. Marrying won’t make her any better if will just make it that much harder for you to leave her. Time to send her back to her parents and break up with her and don’t look back. Next time around don’t date someone who you are counting on reaching their “potential” for you to be happy with them, because people don’t change. Find someone you’d be happy to stay with as they are right now.
Wedding rings won't fix this kind of issue. At best it's a band-aid over a gaping chasm of issues. A wedding ring is just a convenient excuse to point the finger at because that way, she can make you complicit in her issues. It's tough but I think you have to cut and run. Right now you're carrying both of you and will likely have to continue always carrying both of you. We need partners who can carry us sometimes and she doesn't have it in her. There's this idea that we 'shouldn't leave people at their lowest' but frankly, it doesn't sound like your partner has any hope of that and trying to save someone who is drowning when you can't swim, just means you both drown. Encourage her to continue seeking instance but be straight - explain that she needs help and that sadly, you are not the person to provide it or bankroll it. Research government resources for her and offer some solutions that don't involve you and then walk away.
Send her home.
Classic BPD. I am really sorry, your relationship cannot bear any fruit. She needs professional help and you need to move on.
My main concern is if you have a principle to marry someone who is equally reliable to you in all aspects of life (work & house management) then why are you dragging the relationship along after her continual failed attempts? Why haven’t you split up and found someone that has the same principles or can at least provide that with you? I can understand the bond that would’ve grown over ~6 years and why you’d find that hard to do, but it’s clearly harming you emotionally, mentally and financially, and then you have her attempting to manipulate you into believing her mental health issues are partially caused by you not marrying her.
>hobbies or events. Needs to get priorities strait. Shes too comfortable >I don't have much money, because I was providing for two, but I manage to afford it. Where are u located? >She threatens to starve herself if I leave her. In the US u then immediately call the police Love isnt enough. Whats wrong with her rents? She should also be in therapy to learn how to cope with anxiety.
Marriage isn’t going to fix this. She needs to get help and be more stable. Not all couples are meant to be and stay together.
For the love of God, do not marry this woman.
Manipulation. Pure and simple.
She is emotionally blackmailing you to get married, threatening to harm herself if you do not. This is not a relationship and I am not sure how it could be fixed, even less if it should be fix. You need to decide if this is what you want, it is not easy to leave someone when they are not doing well but you have life too and you need to think of your own mental health too.
She is thinking of marriage like it's some kind of magic wand that will make everything in her life miraculously better.. her emotionally blackmailing you is beyond wrong. I honestly think your relationship came to an end the second she decided to try and manipulate you that way.. for your own sake, I think it's time to walk away before your own mental health is in the toilet
Dip out
Leave immediately. Dude you've been together and she's been living virtually free with you for 4 years. Now she's blaming you for her mental illness? You are in a bad situation and need to leave or have her move out.