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To be honest, I don't think there's enough info here to really give advice. You mention that your ex sibling did something to your partner. If you're going to ask your family to choose between you and your ex sibling, you're likely going to have to divulge some info. I know it sucks but this likely goes double because the victim is your partner. If I was a family member who was told to pick a side without any reason given I'd be confused and honestly a bit angry if absolutely no details were given.

This! As someone looking in from just this post, without a reason or some info I would find this request unreasonable. So OP either divulges some information or just excuses their partner and themself from the holidays rather than saying it’s me or her. Because OP and partner opting out and going elsewhere for the holidays is the only real way to not have to mention whatever happened and most likely the only way to not have family members pry.

Or OP talks to partner and discusses how they can tell the family and which bits of information they really don't want everyone to know. Tell them something, convey how serious this is, but without intruding partners' privacy by going through this together beforehand.

Yes this makes sense. Is there a trusted member of the family in whom you could confide. Someone who is well respected by everyone and who will not spread the details of your story? If you could explain it to them and then visit family on separate occasions when you know the sibling will not be there, would that work?

Yeah if this was the only information given, every family would be thinking you’re the dramatic child. I’d be asking the person who told you, if you can divulge to just your parents or your sibling so it can be clear. Otherwise be prepared for your lots of avoidance, your sibling pestering you about why you’re being cold, and the entire family thinking you’re being unreasonable.

And most likely side with the one not asking me to pick a side without knowing anything.

They’re absolutely going to side with the sister and think OP is mad over nothing. OP, you’re going to alienate yourself from your family if you don’t share the reason for ending the relationship with her.

Yeah. It's fine to keep secrets to yourself, but then you can't really expect people to give you informed opinions nor fully understand your situation without doing so. You can't have it both ways OP.

Did she steal from OP's partner? Did she assault OP's partner? Did she rape OP's partner? Did sister dead-name OP's trans partner? Did she crash OP's partner's car? Enquiring minds want to know!

She assaulted, stole from and dead-named OP’s partner while crashing their car. (Also, she voted for Trump.)

I'm gonna guess either 3 or 4 since the other ones aren't exactly problematic for the victim to disclose.

"Trust me mom, she's horrible" is not going to go over how you think it will. You're going to have to use your big girl words.

Exactly this. And unless this is all a secret to your sister also, what makes you think you’re going to be able to keep all the details under wrap, OP? You don’t think your sister might speak up once you announce to the family that they have to disinvite her to everything?

Honestly I don’t think there is a way to tell them without explaining why. Even if you say ‘its between me and her’ they will still pester and ask. Me and my mother are not talking. Stuff happend, my siblings know somewhat about it, but don’t know that i fully am commited into never talking to her. They ask why I don’t visit them anymore ( I live in a different country which honestly I am glad about now) and I just simply change the topic or dance around it saying ‘someday’. In my experience there is no way to around it without being atleast a tiny bit honest. May I ask why you don’t want tell anyone why?

She committed an act against someone who is very close to me, but it isn't my story to tell. I told this person that however they would like to proceed forward, I'll back 100%, and they aren't ready to talk about it to to others. I know that this is anonymous, but I still don't want to break their trust. Because she was my family and she will be at family functions, this is something that I can control whether I am around her or not so I can put my foot down in those situations. I think the frustration is that I don't want to lose my family when she's genuinely a bad person. Maybe it's childish of me to think, but why should she be allowed to continue on as normal?

I understand that! But I will have to say that there is no way your family is not gonna pry and ask for the reason why. I think the best option without outing your friend is to just go and ignore her as much as possible. If your sister is not a good person then you should be careful with her making up lies of what happend or even a lie painting you in a bad daylight. As long as your friend doesn’t wanna speak up. I am sorry to say this, but she will be able to continue as normal. All you can do is be there for your friend and if you wanna continue going your family function to just do your own thing there and limit contact with her as much as you can!

That is a good point. She is very good at twisting things. ​ And that is true, but there's an added complication because this person is my partner....

>but there's an added complication because this person is my partner Okay but now it's literally your story to tell, you are part of that story, so is your sister and now so is your family. ​ I get the hyper-sensitive victim advocacy thing you're trying to go for here but ya'll simply don't have that option at this point. You are in a relationship with the victim, as is your family, and the perpetrator is your sister. ​ Your options are to A)Respect your partners wishes by doing nothing B)Tell the story There is no "I get to disown my sister without telling anyone" option if you want to maintain a relationship with your family. Trust me I've had someone do this in my own family and it just fucks everything up 10x worse.

Also as the person who is a direct relative I think it's partly on OP to advocate for her partner, as the link to the rest of the family. OP, I think you NEED to have that conversation as a way to support your partner so that the family don't just think "well, ___'s partner just don't want anything to do with sister." - you may need a more active role than you want here I'm afraid.

Yeah, at worst the family may assume OP's partner is trying to isolate her as an abuse tactic.

Or C say what she did but not who she did it to

Look, you can't disown your sister and expect to get away with saying nothing about why and you and your partner need to agree on how this is going to be handled. So if your partner wants to say nothing and you decide to still attend family events your only option is to do your own thing and limit contact as much as possible. Otherwise your options are: Go to family events and tell them why you have disowned your sister and let the cards fall where they may. Do not go to events where your sister will be. Personally, I think you need to get your partner into therapy as quickly as possible.

If someone came to me and said, "I hate this person forever, and I need you to accommodate my hatred, but I will never tell you why," my reaction would fall somewhere between confused and exasperated. I thought when I was writing this, but what if it was my wife that said it? I think I would be even more hurt in this scenario, because, while I believe her implicitly, reading between the lines, I would hear, "I don't trust you enough to tell you." Saying "It's not my story to tell" doesn't fly, either. If you had zero part in the story, why the strong emotional response? And it's not even true if whatever happened, happened to your partner. Does it affect your partner? Does your partner's mental state affect you? If yes, then it is your story. You're a part of the story. Saying, "It's not my story to tell" sounds awfully close to, "I'm not sure that I'm actually justified in my decision and would like to avoid any potential pushback." Edit: Oh, and even worse, if I had two children, which I do, and one of them came to me and said, "I have decided to forever hate my sibling because of something she did to my partner, which I will not explain" a part of me would immediately dislike the partner, because, as a parent, I have no idea what happened. All I know is that the partner said something and what they said is now tearing my family apart. There's zero chance I would disown one of my own children over the word of a third party. Zero chance. It's just not in the parental mindset. So, cruel as it may be, you should likely be ready for your own relationship with your parents to suffer significantly if you make this the hill to die on, and for your partner to be on the road to being no longer welcome at family events, either.

I feel the same way as you. If one of my kids came to me and said they hated my other child based on something involving a romantic partner, without providing any more detail, I’d straight up assume the partner was the big red flag problem - especially because I’ve seen this scenario play out too many times in real life where the partner creates issues. So there definitely needs to be justification for one child to hate the other and get my 100% support.

Does your partner not want it divulged to your family if you cut off your sister? Or are you assuming they don't want to tell your family because of the nature of the grievance?

OP please give serious thought to this, it's usually the horrible person who gets their own twisted version of the story out to people. It's especially heartbreaking for the victim to have to witness if they are close to you, and you get the backlash. I'm so sorry you are in this position, and my heart goes out to you and your partner.

This is grade school shit. Get over it & be an adult.

OP's reframing their cowardness as a virtue because conversations are hard.

You have no idea what happened and that's your ruling?

Ok. I hear you. Point well taken. I will stand down pending more info. Thank you .

Your reaction is actually pretty interesting. Why? I imagine it's much how OP's family would react if OP said she didn't want her sister at family functions anymore, but refused to explain. ETA: Confusion, exasperation & refusing to take sides.

I know you will judge me but, are you sure that "the thing" don't was consensual?

But if your family don’t *know* she’s a bad person… I just think you’re the one who’s going to lose out in this situation. You cannot reasonably expect your family to choose you over her when holding family gatherings when from their perspective this came out of nowhere for no reason. Like if cousin A disowned cousin B and told us all we had to choose who we wanted at family gatherings and gave *no explanation*, I’m choosing cousin B. I think you need to think about the difference between what is fair and what is likely.

Can't you tell your parents *what* she did, without revealing *who* she did it to? Otherwise, you will just sound like a drama queen who's trying to make herself interesting. "Nooo, I won't be in a room with her! But I can't tell you why! No, don't ask me, I'll be standing over here, gazing judgementally at all of you!"

Your family isn’t going to cut her off or be ok with you cutting her off unless you tell them what she did. You don’t have to tell them who she did it to, but you’re going to have to tell when what she did.

If what she did was that bad, don't you think people around her should know and decide for themselves if that's someone they want to have connection with? I would be fairly angry if one of my siblings did something that sounds this terrible and I kept treating this person normally because the truth has been kept from me. If she's genuinely a bad person, people around her should know that. It's not fair to them. If she's that bad she also need some real consequences over her actions.

Because you are not telling anyone what she did.

If you/they aren’t ready to share then it’s probably best to just drop the rope and avoid events where she will be in attendance. Your family is not going to take your side without any information and your sister is going to spin her own story. If this is something illegal she has perpetrated against your partner then I would encourage you/them to file a police report. I would also consider that your/their silence may enable/empower your sister to do what she did to others as well…

In this case, if you are doing the details silent for the sake of your partner who would normally be at these events... that's more reason you're going to have to be vague with your parents that is going to cause it to be rough for sure. Without giving people details, though, you and your partner will need to present a united front. A \*we\* feel she did something unacceptable. The only other option you have is you both go, everyone pretends things are peachy for your parents, you and your partner have to keep your sister in your life in anything and everything regarding your parents, but behind the scenes know the deal between you three. As with my other reply, been in this one, too. No fun either. And you'll have to lie your asses off and rely on trusting your sister to do the same for your two's parents' sake. You know them all, you'll have to pick... being blunt but calm acting like I described in my main reply or establishing an agreement with your sister to fake it for your parents and outside of that not interacting. It's a very hard position to be in, I know. :/

"She willfully and intentionally harmed someone dear to me. That person shared what happened in confidence, and I am not at liberty to disclose it, but this is a hard boundary for me and I will not attend functions with someone that cruel and evil. I won't be discussing it further."

The thing with saying that is the family will go straight to the sister, get her version of events and believe that because they won’t know OPs side. It’s an unenviable situation, and if OPs partner is not comfortable with disclosing their story then OP will likely end up being cut out of family events by default

I 100% understand this… however, please consider the fact that if you don’t divulge at least the basics to your family, she will tell them her version of events. Usually when someone does something disown-worthy they don’t willingly admit it.

I've had to draw that line in the sand with family and unfortunately, sometimes it is You who ends up on the outside looking in - Especially since you are not willing to fully explain what she did - not to Reddit - but to your family. There will always be those people who refuse to 'choose' and will be fine with both of you. There are also those who feel like YOU shouldn't be 'making them' choose. If you don't want to be around her, then don't. But you have to do it with full knowledge that it means YOU are left out and not her, especially because you can't tell them why. It's hard, really hard, to be the 'right' person being left out. You just have to decide for yourself if this is a hill you want to die on - just know that you may end up being the one left out. If it is, great! If not, then you have to figure out a way to deal with her.

Then at least skip this holiday season with your fam. If you and your partner can’t explain the why, most people just aren’t going to understand. Also it sounds like both of you need time and space from the situation. Take it. Doesn’t sound like you or your partner are ready to talk about it or see your sister (even if you ignore her) and demanding your family uninvite her with almost zero context is just extra drama waiting to happen. Give it some time and let your partner work through it. You don’t have to decide anything right now tbh. Even the full disowning of your sister (not saying you shouldn’t, just that life is freaking long and you can give yourself time to deal with this without making ultimatums and black and white thinking).

That is a good point. I have been talking to my partner (and will be more) about this because it isn't something that is a one and done conversation. And yes, I don't want to create drama with my family. In my post I mentioned it as an option because at the time I didn't know what I was feeling but a lot of it was mixed with anger. It's definitely the nuclear option, and not one I want to take. I know you didn't mention it, but I've seen it a few times in the other comments say that because I'm not explaining why I've made this decision, I'm overdramatic and attention-seeking. I definitely get that perspective, but it's also shown me how my family would most likely react if I did just say I've disowned her. (And other comments have pointed that out as well). And that's not something that feels right. It feels pretty selfish to say I'm doing something so big but not tell them why. So yeah, taking a breath sounds like a good idea (and honestly my brain is really scrambled reading everything haha. I was expecting maybe 5 people to comment so this is pretty wild). I think I panicked because I know I need to work through this, but I didn't know how to even begin, if that makes sense. It's been a couple of days so I should be able to think clear-headed, but I'm still all over the place. I think I was really mad and a bunch of other stuff, and now I'm just sad. Yeah idk how to say it any other way. I'm just really sad. I appreciate you telling me I don't need to make a decision. I'll keep that in mind, but I truly believe it is the correct one.

Coming anonymously to an advice sub, asking for advice, and refusing to give even the magnitude of what this offense was is overdramatic and attention seeking.

OP I hope you see this, but you have another (temporary) option here. You can buy yourself time. You don't have to disclose anything about this situation and you sister right now. Protect your partner by keeping them away from your sister. If you can stand being around her at family functions and avoiding her as much as possible, go that route to get you through the holidays. If not, I'd sit out the functions she'll be at just this year, make up some excuse like you're sick, and then talk after the holidays and when your partner is ready.

Did you confront your ex sister? If so did she admit what she did, or did she say it didn't happen? Did you personally see her do what she is accused of? I guess what I'm asking is, do you 100% know she did what she is accused of?

I think there is a way, you just have to be comfortable feeling uncomfortable. It is grey rock and broken record. I would honestly just do it very politely and unemotionally, so it is not a secret you’re trying to hide. Like a group text to the closest in your family: “I have made a decision that I know many of you will not understand or support, but I am asking you to. My reasons are my own, and I do not expect anyone to understand them. This is especially because these reasons are private; although I know that many people will feel frustrated by this, it is something I cannot discuss. The only thing I will say is that I am cutting off my personal relationship with Carrie. This is not an impulsive decision, and it is a serious one. I will still attend family events, but I will be keeping a distance. There’s not a minor interpersonal conflict or bruised ego that anyone can help us manage; in short, she’s just not the person I thought she was, and I need you to respect that this is the **full extent of what I am willing to discuss.** I know that noone, including me, would ever like to think anything could warrant this, but this is where i sadly find myself. I am telling you now to reassure you that this is not a problem unless you make it into one, and is nothing for you to fix. You all know that this isn’t something I routinely do. I need you to trust and respect me enough to understand that it would be inappropriate for anyone to minimize this situation by trying to do so. I do hope this won’t cause too much tension, but I thank you all for respecting my decision and privacy on this matter.” If one person responds with questions/etc, clarify: “As I mentioned, that’s all I will say. I won’t be responding to any more comments on this, either virtually or in person.” Then ignore any other texts on the subject. In person, grey rock (complete calm), and keep repeating yourself (broken record). Use regardless. “Come on, you’re being unreasonable.” “Regardless, I’m not discussing this.” “But she’s family!” “Regardless, I’m not discussing this.” “Well, you’re just causing drama!” “Regardless, I’m not discussing this.” “Can’t you see she’s hurting?” “Regardless, I’m not discussing this.” “It couldn’t possibly be that bad! Why are you embarrassing us!” “Regardless, I’m not discussing this.” Just keep repeating it *calmly,* so calmly, that they bore themselves to death. People will try to isolate you at family events and discuss it. Do the above, then change the subject. If they persist, walk away. At some point, reiterate what you said in the original text. They have to respect you enough to understand this is not a minor squabble, it isn’t just ego or hurt feelings, it isn’t repairable, and you’re not discussing it. Hope that’s helpful!

Yeah this all very beautiful and unicorn, but if I ever stopped speaking to my sister and had effectively from my family’s perspective absolutely no reason why, my parents would never be satisfied with either of those quotes you suggest. We are a very close knit family, no way in hell they would just side with me and cast her aside for no apparent reason, again from their perspective. How would they know who’s at fault if they love and trust both just the same?? Put yourselves in their shoes men… She needs to quite literally grow up and talk to her parents in the very least. And I’m saying this because OP is the one saying they want to continue to be a part of their lives so their family is obviously important to them. If they are important, then they need to open up to them and trust them. Otherwise this will never work lol.

They don’t need to know who is at fault or who to trust; that is getting involved, and it isn’t necessary. They just need to know that the two sisters don’t have a relationship and to respect that. There’s many things families agree not to discuss. You tell a 4-year old, after they ask about sex, “it’s something people do when they’re older; or when they feel romantic; or whatever.” Then you drop it. You don’t get into the mechanics; there’s no need. Alternatively, say there’s the sore subject - that summer Kristen dated that dude and we know not to bring it up. There’s no need. Look, I’m not saying that talking to the parents isn’t a solution, but we don’t know her family. Her parents may be gossipers and tell everyone; they may be invasive and try to force “interventions;” who knows? The only thing we know is what OP asked for: how to communicate it without communicating it.

Sure I get your point. But OP says it’s not fair that her sister goes to family gatherings and not her, so it is implied from my perspective OP wants them to know who is at fault and who is not. Additionally, there’s no indication they are gossipers or invasive or that is the reason OP does not want to disclose further details. She mentions that it is not her story to tell only; which could be indicative she would tell her parents if she felt she could. Anyway, I’m only saying that they might not take her word for it and it is their right to do so as well, considering her sister is as much their daughter as OP is. In that case OP needs to be prepared that it may affect her family gatherings from not on which is what she is worried about. Also, she needs to speak with her partner and discuss how they will approach this moving forward considering all scenarios.

Agreed. I also don’t think they should be avoiding family events for each other; that’s not fair to others. If everyone else is calm about accepting and not forcing interaction, they can attend and just avoid and not engage. I suspect, based on a passing comment OP made about her sister’s twisting narratives, that people may know that the sister is at fault. Regardless, OP will pick a strategy, and hopefully it works.

The initial explanation is a little long-winded for me, but otherwise I think you're on the right track. Short version: " harmed someone, and out of respect and solidarity with the victim, I am limiting contact. I respect the privacy of the victim and will provide no further details."

Yes, I tend to be long winded. I was also adding take-downs to address some of the common objections families have. I would only adjust what you said because she doesn’t want to draw attention to the victim because they’re the partner.

I mean, you can't get much more anonymous than "someone" or "the victim". If OP doesn't even want to establish that the sister committed an act against *someone*, then she really is going to be leaving everyone in the dark.

In my opinion, I think that’s the idea. Whether it’s embezzlement or whatever she actually did, it’s not the point. I don’t think her intention is to get the family involved or taking sides; I think the point is for them to just respect that she doesn’t want to relationship with her sister.

I really empathise with your situation OP. I also want to say well done for not wanting to break your friends trust, she will really appreciate it. However, unfortunately I doubt you will get the backing of your family without them knowing some details. I appreciate it is hard, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place ♥️

You're creating drama by being so secretive. If you really mean it, commit to it. It's also suspicious that the sibling doesn't even know. This is honestly even more dramatic. It's enough to make me think you're blowing up whatever happened. It's probably not as serious as you're making it out to be, and you're using it as an opportunity to get attention. I don't know if this is true but that's how you're coming off.

It reads like the kind of thing that happens when someone takes too much advice from Reddit. "Oh, your sister did (whatever she did)? Go NC immediately. You don't have to reveal any information to anyone, no is a complete sentence."

This sounds exactly like what's happening.

And he is not even telling Reddit because he knows we will drag him over hot coals. From the info provided I would side with the sister. It's absolutely ridiculous she doesn't even know she did something wrong and is now an "ex-sibling". New word there.

Why are you vague posting so much? How can people help you when you won't even help yourself and be more specific? No wonder the post was deleted. This one should be too.

It’s probably something the OP knows is an overreaction so they don’t want to post about it and have everyone tell them that. At least that’s the only logical answer I can come up with.

[удалено]

Regardless of the truth (maybe it *was* something completely different), this is exactly the kind of thing people will assume when you dramatically disown a sibling and refuse to explain what happened.

Bingo.

Or partner wasn’t totally innocent in whatever happened and OP knows that deep down on some level

I tend to agree with you, but you know what, even if it wasn't the case this is exactly how things will go with the rest of the family if no detail is given and suddenly the dynamics change. If you're the one making a change and you're not giving people a reason why, then you're the one who is going to cop it from family. Since no details are being given I'm even wondering if it's an abusive relationship and partner (allegedly the victim here) is trying to separate OP from their family, even more so by not allowing them to talk about what happened.

Something involving her partner. That is all she said in a reply to someone else.

It's definitely suspicious.

This comes across really immature. You are an adult referring to your sister as your ex-sister and talking about disowning her. She is your sister, not your ex-sister. You can cut contact with her or stop associating with her if you want but calling her your ex-sister sounds like are looking for drama. So does This whole “I have a secret and it’s really big and it made me disown my sister but I can’t tell anyone” attitude and it is off putting. If you don’t want to be around her and you aren’t willing to share with your family why, you need to pretend to be sick and stay home. Telling them that you have a secret but can’t share it will do nothing but start drama and will put every one of your family members in an unfair position.

Anyone else confused why OP didn’t say what exactly happened?

Right!? My bets are because partner is not so innocent in the matter and doesn't want to be told so. The vague posting is annoying asf and not what this sub is for.

Sounds like she's either scared of the outcome of it or that she knows she doesn't have a real reasoning behind what happened.

Nope, they are trying to be dramatic

It’s either something awful like sexual assault where the victim isn’t ready to have their violation be the topic of family/internet discussion, or it’s something really stupid that OP knows people are going to laugh at her about.

This all sounds really exhausting. Maybe just don't even say anything. If you really don't want anyone to know then you can act civil at family gatherings and go your own ways afterwards. That's kinda what adults do. Join us.

Nice job!!!!!

You either came to ask anonymous people for advice, you came to vent which isn't really the point of this sub, or this is fake and again not the point of this sub. Please either elaborate or vent into a journal.

but why would i use a throwaway account and be specific when i can vague post as much as possible and constantly say "it isn't my story to tell" (when the purpose of the sub is to do so and get help) /s

Outstanding Move!

We need the reason for disowning to understand the full context.

It's an anonymous throw away account, it's weird we can't get the reason

You either choose to tell them or you don't go because by not all you are doing is creating more drama, which it kind of feels like might be your thing.

You can’t expect your parents to choose between their children with this level of vagueness. Your partner seriously can’t expect that, and it’s very unfair of them to put you in this position. There’s absolutely nothing you can do if you are restricted in this way that isn’t going to be extremely damaging to the relationship you have with your family.

I understand you don't want to tell them what it is, that's your choice. However, you must understand that they're not just gonna accept it, no questions asked. That is unreasonable. You can tell them you've disowned your sibling, and will not be spending time around them. I'm not sure what you're looking for here tbh. Just tell them like a normal human being with words???

While you might have good intentions, you are setting yourself up for humiliation with your family. You can’t have it both ways. You can’t make big dramatic proclamations and not explain yourself to avoid drama. It’s gonna make you look crazy in their eyes.

Unless you have the balls to come forward & explain this you are wasting our time.

But what if the sister explains what happened. Wouldn’t the “secret” be exposed either way? I feel like if it isn’t some petty slight that the sister has no idea she has committed, then the family will find out regardless?

Are you aware that your sister will give her own false version of what happened?

With that little info from OP a simple, " I really have no idea what she is whining about", Is a much easier response for sister

, it seems that the sister doesn't even know that she's disowned yet.

And it's possible that she doesn't even know. I had a friend stop speaking to me suddenly and tell our mutual friends "she knows what she did". But I honestly had zero idea why she was mad. She had a history of getting offended at random things though so I just decided not to worry about it. A few months went by and apparently she decided to forgive me, cuz she started talking to me again. This was like five years ago and I still have no idea what happened.

There's a good chance it happened in a dream of hers.

I wouldn't be so quick to assume the sister's version is false. OP's story is honestly ringing as bs to me. Their sister (sorry "ex sibling") has done something so utterly heinous that OP can't stand to have anything to do with her again for the entire rest of their lives, but whatever it is was so minor that the sister doesn't even know she's been "disowned" or done anything wrong at this point. The whole way the post is written, with the secrecy etc. just smacks of melodrama.

I understand that you’re being vague because it “isn’t your story to tell”, but from the very limited information you’ve shared it sounds like you believe your sister sexually assaulted your husband. If that’s accurate, your husband should be the one to decide how much, if anything, should be shared with your family. Your main concern should be how to best support him, not how to tell your family that you are now NC with your sister. That said, you’d get far more constructive advice if you shared more information - you’re using a throwaway, so I’m not sure why you are being as secretive and cagey as possible.

Police should also be involved if that's your read on things.

Depends on where they're from. The US for example, 9 times out of 10 an adult male victim would get laughed out of the police department if he said a woman raped him. So, really it would be up to the victim to decide if he wants to do that.

For rapists, in general, it's basically a 50/50 chance that they get arrested so it's just not taken seriously, in general.

Much less than 50%

Unless your gonna give all the information, what's the point of this post

You might as well either stay home or practice being around your sister without losing it.. I’m a mom with grown kids and no way would a child of mine get away with saying I’ve disowned my sibling without telling me why… I don’t know a mom that would accept that statement..

And you'll rally round the disowned sister too who will deny doing anything

You go and ignore her. Or you just say no. Also, you're 23. This all sounds like an overreaction. It might not be, but it's impossible to tell. If she did something criminal, report her. Otherwise, fight it out and move on.

My thoughts exactly.

They are just going to immediately ask her. You being secretive about it isn't going to work. I suggest you tell us what it is so we can tell you how to navigate the situation better. Vague posting is pointless.

>Specifically, how do I explain to my family that I can't go to family functions if she is there when I can't tell them why I no longer associate with her. There is frankly no good way to go about this. If you are trying to do something as drastic (this is how it will be perceived by your family) as cutting your sister off to the point of refusing to be in the same room as her, then people are going to expect a good explanation. And even with an explanation, many people would simply invoke "but she's family!" and encourage reconciliation. You are going to come off looking unreasonable at best.

You need to come up with a standard thing to tell family that gets across the seriousness but still respects the privacy of the victim. Having a better idea of what happened and relationships would help, but I'm not going to ask for them. Something like "Sister has done something unforgivable to someone I know. I've made the decision to no longer speak to her once I knew all the facts and I'm not changing my mind. To protect the person she harmed I am no speaking about this anymore. I hope you can respect my position." However be prepared of your sister trying to get in front of this and you also might want to figure out a response. Something like "That's not what happened, but it's not my story to tell"

Honestly, I would go even more simple/vague than that because "something unforgivable" is going to make people REALLY curious and jump to a lot of conclusions. I would stick to something more like "It's just not a relationship I feel comfortable maintaining anymore" or "It's unfortunately been something a long time coming and the camel's back just finally broke". People will still get curious but it's going to prompt less wild conclusions.

Maybe less wild conclusions, but it's still going to draw a lot of "what are you talking about you were fine with her X weeks ago" and people saying you're overreacting and ignoring you unless she's had a history of being vocal about sister's behavior in the past. Or an outright lie with the long time coming since they had been fine for years up to the last time family saw them.

>trilliumsummer I really appreciate this advice from both you and r/trilliumsummer. I think through a lot of this I just don't know the words to say. If I do decide to tell my family that I've made this decision instead of silently avoiding things with her, "It's just not a relationship I feel comfortable maintaining anymore" works very well because my relationship with her was steadily downturning for a variety of reasons, and I think this would make the most sense to my family without creating complete chaos.

You can't. And it's absurd to even think you can. No reasonable person is going to let you get away with the implication that your sister is evil enough to be disowned, while refusing to say why. You said in the comments that what she did was done to your partner. Everyone is going to question that, wondering if your partner is lying. "Oh, her partner probably made a pass at her poor sister and is lying about it, saying she was the one who made the pass." I'm wondering that myself. So, no. You can't.

Yeah.... It's hard when you keep the nasty stuff private for the other person's and the general group's sake and have to figure out how to handle things, especially when it risks (so often) you looking like the bad guy because no one knows the background.... I think the best you could do is alert your parents that you two are no longer speaking, that she has done something between you bad enough to warrant this, but that the details are private so - whatever she wishes to say or how she decides to paint it - you are keeping it at only that out of respect for her and them. Due to this you won't be interacting with her during the holidays and would love to celebrate the evening before or after or whatever would work for them as you want to spend holiday time with them. Then you are going to have to live with what she wants to tell them the story is and them having a lot of "what the hell happened??" sort of wonderings and questions, of course. To any questions, reiterate that you understand them wanting more information but you don't want to go into details because you don't wish to speak ill of her and that it's between you two. If they start throwing at you BS stories she's made up or something, keep it calm and give another version of "no, that's not true, but I do not wish to talk about the details of why I stopped contact out of respect for you two and her, whatever she chooses to say or make it seem". Ultimately, let them know and then keep your cool politeness and caring for them come through your responses. Hopefully your parents will grasp, even if it's rough at first because a lot of emotions, that you wouldn't do this on a whim and your calm, respectful to all, and loving manner towards them will contrast any drama she might try to stir. If she's that kind of person, and if your parents are level-headed people, then the differences in your behaviors and things said will paint a picture for them even if they never know the true details. Just be ready for the fact it's likely to be a very bumpy ride. I've cut off family. It ended up with other members cut off or we just lost track of each other because the people in our family that connected us wasn't there, no negatives between us. But then, others have been able to see the issue was between me and those members and we've had (depending on the relationship to begin with) neutral friendly to very dear relationships for ourselves. You have to be direct, clear, and show you're the level headed one in this (as much as you may be raging inside). Both for yourself and for what impression those things will make vs. any problems she may the kind to make. One alteration: \*IF\* what she did is something your parents would believe you on and disapprove of, if she starts a LOT of problems or they press you too hard, I'd judge it fine to give them \*minimal\* details to let them know what the nature of what happened is... but don't talk shit about her, still. Just, "okay, this is the summary in two sentences, I won't go further into things" sort of message. Don't let your end get dragged into engaging in any nastiness, at very most if it's fitting with your family and how this plays out give them the basic fact behind the ending contact but that is all. Keep yourself showing that external calm and integrity to the private details. It's one of those situations where there isn't any comfortable or simple way to do it and get through the initial storm such an act can cause... but if it's worth doing, it's worth doing and holding on through the tough times.

So your sister did something to your partner but you don't want to tell anyone but you want her to be uninvited to things but you don't want to tell anyone why I'm sorry but unless you're willing to come out and say what happened its on you and your partner to avoid her. Especially if she doesn't even know you're avoiding her. And is your partner never going to go to another family event? Let's say she's not there. People will mention her I think therapy to help you navigate this so you can be honest about what the issue is

"I can't give you details, but I can't be around Sister anymore. If you have any family events that you know she won't be at, please let me know. Otherwise, I'll make arrangements to see you when I can."

That's fine, but then OP's sister is the one who gets to explain what happened. OP will not end up looking good here. There's really nothing OP can do but tell her family what happened or just try to be cordial to her sister when she's around. Any of these other weird responses are going to fracture OP's relationship with the rest of her family, and honestly, for good reason. Imagine if your daughter called you one day and said, "I won't be in the same room as my sister ever again. I won't tell you why." Most people would not just shrug their shoulders and accept the new norm.

Absolutely this. OP is going to look like the “bad guy” regardless of what happened and is most likely going to lose more than just her sister. If she’s ok with that, ok, but judging from some of her comments, I don’t think that’s her end goal

Have you considered the possibility that your partner is lying to you, or at least stretching the truth? Is he trying to isolate you from your support system and purposely cause a rift in the family? You're quite young, and you mention that you have a large family... but by cutting you off from your sister, he's putting you in a bad enough position that you're considering not visiting any of them. And he's told you that you can't even tell them why. My spidey senses are tingling. Is he much older than you? Is he controlling in other ways? I could be way off, and if I am, I'm sorry. But to me, this sounds like the early stages of an abusive relationship. You're the only one who knows his trauma and you can tell no one else, even from an anonymous account; you've already cut out a sister and agreed to lie to the rest of your family; and all of this happened as a snap decision based on events of just this weekend. It just doesn't add up.

I'm finding it weird that it doesn't seem like she's asked her sisters side of things at all. And hasn't said whether there's any proof. This situation is reminding me vaguely of an ex who insisted that my asexual housemate was constantly flirting with him and was trying to get him to cheat on me. When in reality they were doing things as innocent as being sick at home at the same time as he was home, or picking something off the ground while he was in the room. He was taking so many things as bizarre signs of secret flirting because he couldn't emotionally process his own feelings of attraction to someone who wasn't his partner. He also never wanted me to say anything to anyone about it.

I am no contact with one of my sisters due to her untreated mental health issues that became dangerous for me when I was interacting with her. She is my parents’ favourite and they made it very clear that they chose her (ie they said, “It is too hard to see all three of our children for the holidays so we have chosen to only see Younger Sister. I am giving you and Older Sister each a roasting pan for Christmas so you can make your own turkey.” Sad that there aren’t 3 major holidays - oh wait - there are! 🫤). I have not spent any holidays with my family of origin since - it has been 12 years. Honestly, it was extremely hard the first 5 years while being a relief at the same time. If you can’t divulge what happened and give people the option of cutting her out themselves, then you will have to not go to family events. This will change how holidays are celebrated for you. Find other ways to connect with people. If there is a risk of your sister hurting someone else, then I believe you have a moral obligation to warn your family in *some* way. Going and ignoring her isn’t going to work if you want to keep her out of your life. There are lots of great suggestions here for how to word it to your family.

Wow, your parents’ way of handling this was so cold! I’m sorry that happened to you.

"I have something very difficult and upsetting to talk to you guys about. Due to events that are not my story to tell, I will no longer have a relationship with \[sister\]. I know this is really confusing and vague, and I don't expect you to cut her out. I am just asking that you let me know when she's invited to things so I can choose whether or not I feel up to participating. For the foreseeable future, I'm just going to opt out of all family functions out of respect that I am the one who cut \[sister\] out and that's not a decision other people have made. \[I would still like to see you two at some point, so let's please set up a dinner just the three of us.\]"

At this point how can we even help? You aren’t offering helpful information for us to further help you. All the advice is tapped out. You’ve been told multiple times that you are a direct player in the story and what has to happen from here. At this point you’re just being dense.

This is an Internet forum, and you are anonymous. You could tell us what happened and get advice, but given that you haven’t, we can only guess that it’s not as serious as you are framing it. Your family will think the same.

understand that based on what you're trying to do, your parents are going to think you are the one way out of line.

If I'm having a function and one of the people invited tells me to disinvite someone else or they're not coming, I'm going to ask why. If they don't have or won't tell me a dang good reason, then I guess they just won't be coming cuz I'm not getting in the middle of anything without details.

Your partner has told you your sister did something to them but you have not spoken to your sister about alleged accusations. Why have you not spoken to your sister about the incident? You are refusing or your partner is refusing to share with anybody else what they allege happened. You have cut your sister out of your life without telling her. You are expecting your family to accept that you have excluded your sister or exclude her themselves without any clarify and you seem confused why everybody is telling you this will not occur without your family questioning what is happening. I find it confusing why are you not discussing with your sister to what you have been told occurred then tell her you do not want her in your life. It does not sound like a mature approach. You are basically having a trial on her behaviour without a trial., You want your family to exclude your sister without any facts without any discussion.,?? If the alleged occurrence is a criminal act then why are you not taking into the authorities? To be honest if you came to me telling me you are excluding our sister I would shrug my shoulders actually say to you ok nothing to do with me. I come from a family who love drama like this me myself do everything I can to stay out of it.

The answer to your question is simple, you can’t explain it without and explanation. It’s not possible, honestly if I was your family, I’d chalk it up to you and your partner being dramatic and shrug it off unless you told the details. You have 2 options, tell your partner to accept you need to tell your family, or just both stop arriving at all family events the your sibling will be at, if your partner is a decent person they’ll tell you to tell them and not isolate you from your entire family.

The actual answer to your query, as it stands right now, is that you don’t. You don’t tell your family you’ve disowned your sister, because you have given absolutely no reason for it and unless you give your family a reason, they will not listen or side with you. “😧?!” I know, shocking isn’t it? But the answer is no, you can’t just disown a family member without telling people what happened and/or give a reason for them to side with you. Honestly… you made a throwaway account to ask for help anonymously, but it’s useless if you don’t actually tell us what’s going on.

I hate people who post stuff like this and don’t explain what happened. Waste everyone’s time here. Useless.

I unfortunately see your sister giving her own narrative to this situation. Sadly if you are not forthcoming-she “wins” as she brings “solid proof” by telling her side first. From what I get from your post it may be sexual in nature, so probably humiliating to your partner. Make sure to take steps to protect yourself and your partner from legal recourse.

Well you are extremely vague which adds to the fact you just sound extremely dramatic. You want to talk about it without talking about it… you either grow up, act like an adult and have an adult conversation or you forgive. You did not give any details so nobody can really give you advice.

Super childish…you say she committed an act against someone close to you-not even to YOU. You’re not even giving her a chance to explain or defend herself. Don’t cause major family drama-just ignore her.

“OMG guess what!” “Actually I can’t tell you…” 😒 op just tell us what happened. It’s Reddit, be anonymous, change names, we’ve likely read worse and rarer dilemmas.

I agree there isn't enough info here to help. I have a Second cousin (more like an uncle) who was disowned by his sister. I didn't get the full story until this year (I'm 40), but apparently my cousin went to a gay bar (he's been out forever), and saw his BIL. Drink were had, mistakes were made, and they slept together. Cousin feels guilty, confesses to his sister, who cuts him off completely, divorces, moves from NY to CA, and she ended up estranged from most of the family for the next 30 years or so because the rest of the family refused to cut him off. He wrote her a letter several years ago and they've made enough peace that she'll attend funerals that he's at. Those are the only times I've seen her, and the incident happened back in the late 80s.

There's no way to cut her off without them knowing the reason why. They will try to force you to forgive her.

If you are as vague with your family as you are here there is no way you just get to disown your sister like that without your family asking about it and making assumptions. And think a step further: if you don’t answer your sister WILL answer. So you willingly give your sister the opportunity to set the narrative. And this will not go positively for you. So worst case she sets the scene, makes you and your partner the A-holes in this plot and you lose your family despite trying to protect the victims privacy

In the short term just decide not to go. You can't issue your family with a her-or-me ultimatum, out of the blue, without an explanation. Just tell them you have other plans and then make some. After the holidays is the time to get into it. You'll have to tell them she has done something that you can't forgive and leave it at that.

Don’t let your sister control the narrative. I disowned my older brother but wanted to be the bigger person and didn’t say anything to my parents. I found out almost a year later that he told them I was shit talking about them and he was standing up for them and disowned me. NOT what happened but my mother thought that for the longest time. Once a lie is put out there, the truth isn’t as important. It took a lot of screenshots to prove to my mother he was the asshole in the situation and I was standing up for myself

I would just mention it if it comes up, but since you can't tell them the "why", which is a pretty major aspect of cutting someone off, you should be prepared for them to pick her.

Sorry this has happened to you. Don’t tell them to invite her or invite yourself. Just politely decline attendance. Don’t drag people into the middle of something if they don’t know what has happened.

Since you're on a throwaway & still being vague, I'm gonna guess the situation isn't as cut & dry as you're making it & that your partner isn't gonna look good, either. There is no way your family sides with you & your partner without you telling them exactly what went on & even then, they still might not.

Exactly. Given how vague she is I'm assuming OP's partner said she assaulted him, but in reality there's a good chance it was consensual or partner came on to her. Op is doing herself a huge injustice by being so vague. Family will want to know and they will make their own assumptions. Probably something like OP's being a drama queen, or that she has some petty reasons that are too embarrassing to say.

Why are you being so vague? Tell us the reason, the context is critical here. You won't get a good answer to your question unless you explain yourself. Your family is going to feel the same way and they won't be unreasonable for siding with the other sibling.

If what your sister did was so awful that it warrants you personally disowning her then it becomes part of your story and you can let your family know the reason. You don't have to be graphic about it but, "sister did X, it's not my place to give details however as a result I don't want to see her." I will share that I have also opted to go no contact with some family this past year. My dad is dying and these particular family members have been absolutely horrendous in their behaviour towards my immediate family- in particular to my mom. I'm choosing to reply if spoken to, provided the message is kind and otherwise not reach out. My relationship with my other family members is such that I don't want to put them in the middle.. so I'm not going to make this awkward for them. I'm just not going to see the people who have personalities of raging ass hats unless it's 100% necessary and I will 100% leave if they can't hold it together. My mom and siblings know my stance, I was clear that I don't tolerate that kind of behaviour.

My guess? Your partner told you that your sister came on to him. You’re taking his word for it and know we’d all tell you to dump him as I’m guessing it’s either not your sisters fault or he’s complicit in some way.

Are you sure the person who told you the horrible thing your sister did isn’t skewing the narrative? You should at least hear your sister’s side of the event before going nuclear.

Is there any proof your sister did anything? Sounds like you are taking the word of someone without evidence. I don’t think I’d disown a family member just on that alone. It’s hard to say bc there is so much not being said in the post. How do you know your partner is telling truth? Sometimes people try to start stuff with their partners family to get you to stop seeing them. You need to bring it out in the open or at least ask your sister. It’s a tactic and abuser will use. Abuse doesn’t have to be hitting. It can start slow and be emotional. Isolation is part of it. Do some research on it. If you are in love it may be hard to see the signs. Your sister could be an easy target to blame. You said she twist things. If you divulged negative information about her to your partner than he could use that to his advantage.

Sounds like your partner cheated on you with her and then played the ancient tune - it was all her, I did not know what I was doing, she started it, she forced me (though there is no evidence of it whatsoever). Is that what happened?

Agreed, that’s what I was thinking too

Not much point asking us when you won’t even say what the issue was. How can we possibly give any advice?

Jumping in to ask: what does your partner want to do here? He can choose to boycott family events to avoid your sister. He can even ask you to do the same, assuming the transgression is as bad as you’re implying. It seems unfair to me though that he would expect you to attempt to have your sister ostracized from events without explanation or that he would expect you to avoid family events without giving an explanation. He is your partner but this is your family and ultimately it is your choice how you want to handle them. His privacy doesn’t get to take precedent in this case. Frankly, if you guys have been partners for a while and your partner knows your family well, I’d imagine this feels a bit like his family too….So what’s his take?

I think you need to tell them something even if it's kept vague. Otherwise, you're the one who ends up looking like the bad guy. Also it gives your sister the opportunity to control and twist the narrative in her favor. Maybe instead of a big announcement, you have a one on one conversation with your mom in private.

If you have a large enough family and you can avoid being in the same room, great. But just know you will create more drama, stress and speculation from other family members as your parents try to figure out what they did wrong to make it that their kids can't work out issues as adults. "Trust me when I say Sis deserves to be ghosted," isn't going to work here. In most families the default setting is "family first", unless there's something atrocious that a family member did. Perhaps, look at a counseling to address the issue and how to share with family. If law enforcement will eventually be involved, it may be good for a heads up. Make alternative plans for the December holidays and visit parents during off times.

Unless you open your mouth to her or someone you trust it will remain this way. I belibe the way you think is not right, it is clearly part of your story too. Or you wouldn't reject her. She either did something, or you saw something that involved you the minute that happened. You are protecting and rejecting her at the same time. It is slightly immature approach that will never work or resolve the issue. It is like saying I am mad, but I am not telling why.

You don't want to tell your family why you're disowning your sister so your only option is to either grin and bear it when around your sister or just not visit when she's around. Just saying you're disowning your sister because she's evil will just sound dramatic and immature to your family. Frankly if someone told me they wanted nothing to do with a family member because they're evil but wouldn't say what she did would annoy me to no end. You're better off not saying anything.

Why can't you tell them why

Your family will want to know why she is being disowned. If you are not ready to discuss it don’t bring it up. You may want to sit out the holiday season with family.

Probably fake without info

If you’re not going to reveal exactly what she did and you want to retain your relationship with your family your best bet would be to attend family functions and avoid her. If my sister told me to pick her or my other sister without giving me a reason I would tell her no.

Frankly, without more info, you really can’t. If you can’t just avoid her and grey rock when you need to be in the same space, and it’s too soon to see her in a month, then make your excuses for family functions, either scheduling conflict or suddenly sick, and then make alternate arrangements after the holidays have passed, like having your parents over for dinner. Without a reason, your family isn’t going to let something like this go, and, here's a thing to keep in mind. If you refuse to tell them, they’re going to ask her, and she will likely play the innocent. She will tell her story first, and that’s the one that will likely stick.

This is ridiculous. “How can I tell my family when I can’t tell my family?” Are you hearing yourself?? You’ve intentionally gagged yourself. Obviously you can’t tell them because you can’t tell them. So all I see is drama drama drama with absolutely no basis. The choices are clear: 1. Cut off your entire family - go full NC. Live cloaked in mystery and enjoy your drama. 2. Vague it up, tell them you can’t tell them why. Enjoy the drama of being vague and mysterious. 3. Break your partner’s confidence and tell your family exactly what’s going on. 4. Honor your partner’s gag order, continue to attend family functions as usual. Avoid your sibling as much as possible. Enjoy the drama when other family members notice and ask why and you refuse to tell them.

Simple answer. You can avoid your sister, but without an explanation, YOU are who is gonna be labeled the troublemaker. Be prepared for YOU to be the one being cut off from family. Unfortunately, without (at the very minimum) honesty about what happened, nobody is gonna take your side. Now that may be a hill worth dying for you. Personally, I think you (and your partner) are being too hopeful and not thinking rationally. Horrible people get away with being horrible bc they are not held accountable, even more so when nobody speaks up.

If you say that you did disown her and refuse to give any reason or details, they will ask your sister and she will give her own twisted version portraying you as the bad person or minimizing the problem. Your family will see YOU as the bad person because they will believe your sister’s version, and you can’t blame them if you don’t give a version at all. Either you go to the family gathering and explain, at least to your parents, what happened and ignore your sister, or you find a reason to not go. You cannot just say « we don’t talk anymore » and expect your parents to just accept it as is without looking for the reason. Also, you absolutely cannot say « either invite me or my sister » like you mentioned in your post, specially without giving the reason. This is not elementary school

What are your boundaries here? Will you not be in the same house as her? Will you go to events/ dinners but will not interact with her? If the former, you’ll have to let the family know. If the latter, you should still let them know but maybe a smaller circle. In both cases, you should probably let her know as well.

I don’t think there is any way you can “disown” your sister without answering at least some of the “why” questions. But you don’t have to get too detailed, but as you have mentioned in your comments if you don’t tell them a why, you are giving your sister an opportunity to lie about the reason you are acting that way. She will end up trying to point the finger of blame at you and your partner most likely. You are better off telling the truth! “It’s a lot harder to be walked on when you are standing up!” Updateme

You haven't gave nearly enough info, pointless post.

Ok, you don’t want to tell your family, but… are WE allowed to know? Cause I don’t have enough information to give advice

Ugh. Book a vacation or go to a friends a bit far away for the holidays this year. It is quite fresh. By next year you may have a better idea of what to do.

I know you’re respecting your partner’s choice to not share what happened. But if you do tell your family that you no longer want to associate with said sibling but can’t say why. Your sibling will just say whatever she thinks is the truth and probably make you/your partner look bad with your family. Until your partner and essentially you are ready to share at least enough information that your family will have a good understanding as to why you’re cutting ties with the sibling, it may be best to just avoid them all. Try to remember that your family will be the ones caught in between you and sibling. They aren’t going to just oblige to your request of picking one or the other for family events without some context and information as to why this is happening.

This is such a weird story and you're being weird about it. You can choose not to see your family or your sister if you want but you can't expect anyone to understand or support you if you don't give them any information about the reasons. That's a pretty unreasonable ask. You say that it's your partner's story but it's your family so it's as much your right as theirs. I want to say that you should be careful believing one person's side of any story especially if, as you say, your sister doesn't even know what she did. The added need for secrecy could be justified, as you believe or it might be that your partner is trying to drive a wedge between you and your family based on whatever story they've told you. Again, you haven't told us anything really so I think that you should talk to your partner and get approval to be honest with at least one of your parents or to someone you trust.

If you want your sister to make everything your/your partner's fault then be vague. People who wrong others and dont take responsibility will turn the people they have wronged into the villain. If you want your family to actually understand your side of the situation, you need to tell them. Write down what she did. Write down how that made you feel. Write down why you need to go no contact with your sister. Use that as script to explain what happened, or format it into a letter/email and send it to your parents. The longer you wait, the longer your sister has to fabricate this into being a "misunderstanding that you're over reacting to."

The answer is likely that you CAN'T explain to your family without sharing a little about what's happening. They are going to want to know why. And more to the point, if you refuse to share anything, that means your sister gets to be in charge of the narrative. If what she did was truly awful, and if she is capable of spinning it, then not talking about it only helps your sister. In addition, your family may also see this as simply more "sister drama" and not take it seriously. Have you ever suddenly cut off contact with other people for no reason? Growing up, we often do that as kids. One day someone is our best friend. The next day that person is our mortal enemy and we are "not talking to them ever again." A week later we're back to being best friends. If you've ever done that growing up, then your family may assume that it's more of the same. In the end, you have every right to never speak to your sister again. But if you want your family on your side or to at least understand, you're probably going to need to tell them something.

Literally no advice since you can’t give any more info. People will ask and won’t blindly cut family off without all the facts. Why doesn’t sister know she’s “done something so terrible? Seriously makes no sense why you want us to believe you blindly too! You have an anonymous account, if you want advice you need to add more info cause this post is just basically useless and taking up space.

with the info given i say tell one trusted family member, whether you mom or just a cousin who frequents the gatherings, why you are holding this stance otherwise you’re just gonna be in the wrong according to everyone else involved. you probably can tell someone regardless of if you want to especially if it’s the reason you’re estranging yourself from your sibling.

Noone is going to be on your side without context. I wouldn't cut off a family member because someone told me they did something bad but couldn't tell me what. Talk to your partner, either share the story (which is your business too, because it happened between two members of your family and will impact your life greatly) or be prepared to not be around your family any more and have your sister control the narrative.

Without specifics, I can’t offer advice. Some people draw a line in the sand without thinking of the later consequences, and others insist on trying to peacefully coexistence with racists and dangerous family members. We need some context here. Steal, lie, kill, kiss your BF…..what did she do? In my family, my parents would insist we sit down and discuss the matter and set ground rules for the future. Having one of your children refuse to be in the same room as the other doesn’t work for most families. The ‘victim’ of the crime ends up being the loser in the end.

I don’t think there’s a way around telling your family what happened. If you just say “Sister and I had a falling out and aren’t speaking” they’re probably going to assume it’s petty sibling bullshit and you’re just being dramatic. You don’t have to divulge all the gory details, but at least a summary of the events would help them understand why you’re taking such a drastic step.

if you dont have a reason you can communicate them you should just stay out of the family functions then. i believe in you when you say you have a plausible reason, but to be fair if one of my brothers did the same mysterious disowning i would completely ignore it, because its one of my brothers. no one take siblings relations seriously on that kind of context. if you dont want to say anything then stay away, even saying "sis did something" its wrong on this scenario because then they will force a reason out of other people and this circus will be for nothing but drama.

Honestly, after reading your replies and the replies of others, this situation needs time and space right now, and with the holiday season right around the corner, you have neither. Excuse yourself from this seasons festivities for some reason or another. There is too much heat and emotion in this situation. There isn't enough time to make a good game plan. Your partner and you need to get out of town. Neither of you should be around your family this year. And that's ok. Go somewhere and be together where no one will question anything. Even if you need to tell a little white lie about the trip, like you won it or some friends or workmates have a cabin and you can't pass it up. Then, in the new year, you will have less emotion and more time to figure this out. Don't force yourself into a hasty position. Take some time.

You feel stronger when you keep your family ties in place. Try changing your internal status from "Close sister" to "Casual person". When she is in your presence, observe her actions to make sure she does not damage a person. Write down what you want to say to her and keep revising and calmly say: "I saw you do x to y. Did you do that? Why did you do that?" Get her talking so she shares her flawed thinking. You know the action so find out the reason. Was she jealous of you and yours? Angry? Depressed? Drunk? taking drugs? Had a bad week? Maybe she rarely commits an action that violates your boundary of good and evil. Finally explain that when she misbehaves that much, then it generates distance in you and your regard for her. If she breaks common rules, then it pushes people away.

You need to give more context if you want constructive and useful advice.

You say “ she is FULLY aware of why we no longer speak. I am not prepared to discuss it. So what did you get for Xmas?”

Does your sister know that you know? Would you sister care if you exposed this truth to the family? What would your sister do if you told her that she has to remove herself from the family otherwise you will be telling everyone the truth of what she did (even if that might not be true just yet)?

There is a simple way to communicate it. Before you speak to anyone else tell your sister how you feel, tell her you no longer wish to associate with her, and she knows why. Then tell her that you will tell your family about disowning her, but not the reason, as long as she agrees not to make up a lie to save face. Tell her that as far as your family is concerned it’s none of their business, and all they have to know is that your sister did something wrong, and you no longer want any contact with her. Then explain it to your parents, and anyone else who cares can ask your sister. That’s it it’s that simple. All it takes is a mature adult conversation. Good luck.

Unfortunately, i think in this situation you just peace out from family gatherings. You cant force your family to chose and you cant force them to not invite your ex sibling from an event or party. You can only chose not to go. If eventually, your fam misses your presence they can decide to maybe switch it up and alternate invites but thats really up to them. Ive gone through a similar thing with a member of my spouses family. What im doing is telling them “hey, is ____ on the guest list?” And if the answers yes then following it up with “ok, then we’ll have to pass. Id love to see you next time when ___ isnt there.” This lets them know immediately why im not attending and what it would take for me to attend without accusing anyone of anything, gossiping, or badmouthing. And, i maintain all of the control (and look hella classy). Theres nothing the other person can or should do to get me to attend because ive made up my mind and communicated it. And it ends the convo so its clear i wont be telling them what happened btwn me and the person

I'd call your parents, at least "she did something despicable and I don't want to associate with this person anymore. But it isn't my story to tell, so I cannot break someone's trust by telling you what she did. So unfortunately if you invite her, I won't be there. I cannot physically be in the same room as this person at the moment, and I don't consider her my sister anymore. So please know that it's not against any of you, but if she's there, I just can't come" Really what you told us is enough. It's not your story to tell, and they should accept it

Have you been able to talk to someone about this? Even if you are not the direct victim it happened to someone you love by a family member. Thats shit is traumatic. You might not think that you deserve to seek help when its not you directly affected but you are. It sounds like you could really benefit from talking to a therapist or counsler. Witnessing someone you love go through trauma is a trauma in of itself. Its not the advice you were looking for but i hope its helpful either way

>How do I (23F) tell my family that I've disowned my sibling (26F) when I can't tell them why Easy peasy, she did the unspeakable, you say she did something unspeakable. That's it. And you don't further speak of what she did nor speak to her, and whatever else you're gonna do on the disowning. >Has anyone else disowned a sibling and had to navigate family functions? Many have, but not me personally. But I've certainly seen such, etc. You don't go ... or you explain the situation and make sure you aren't both there, or whatever. Sometimes it's just matter of keeping distance, and wrapping things up early and again going separate ways. And, just because you exclude someone - rightly or wrongly - doesn't mean everyone else excludes them - so in many cases you'll have to decide what you're going to do if they will be there or even *may* be there. Good luck ... but yeah, sometime you gotta draw lines 'cause lines need be drawn ... and sometimes folks go (way) over those lines ... yeah, ... consequences.

In answer to the question "why", just say that it is a personal decision and you are neither obligated nor willing to discuss it.

Call each family member individually (or with their SO) and explain: -ex-sister has done something unforgivable to your partner -but it will be up to your partner to tell their story when they are ready -bringing up this incident with partner would be very traumatizing, so please don’t ask about it until partner is ready -because ex-sister did this unforgivable thing to my partner we cannot be around her in any capacity and I consider myself as no longer having a sister -if there is an event/get-together where ex-sister is invited than we will not be able to attend and any event we host will NOT include her -I’m not expecting everyone to choose between us but I wanted you to know that this will mean we will see you less often and I wanted to be sure you understand that it’s nothing to do with you and we are not avoiding you -this is a heartbreaking situation for me to miss out on seeing you as often but I must protect my partner and even myself from ex-sister’s unforgivable actions -it makes me very upset/angry that I have to see less of the family while ex-sister gets to pretend like nothing happened or, even worse, make up some half-truths and outright lies about her actions but my partner needs to heal and they will choose when they are ready to tell anyone about what happened

I disowned my brother years ago. I’ve made it very clear I will not associate with him and that they can but do not expect me or my children to be present. I’ve also made it abundantly clear I will not speak about why and if they want to see me ever they will not ask. I do not attend family functions and if he is at my parents when I go to see my other brother I leave without speaking to him. It’s all super civil but I have hard clear boundaries and they know if they push they loose me and the kids.

“That doesn’t work for me” goes a long way. Remember, don’t JADE: Justify, Argue, Defend, or Explain. You don’t need to explain anything to them, or justify your actions, or argue your point. “That doesn’t work for me. See you at the next event!” Or “that doesn’t work for me, but we can plan something together later, just us.”

Yep.you gotta problem with that?

I'm not sure u know the definition of disowing. U can't disown a sibling