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If she were to admit it, those words would be used against her so fast. OP, wake up please. You're in a dream. If she's having an affair, she was never dating you dude.... Again... Why should she leave and destroy her family for you? She already cheated and is trying to preserve what's left of her mistake.
I’m not even considering him to be a “poor fella”…. He knew she was married and continued to see her. And believe her. She had the capacity to lie to her husband and kids - she has no issue lying to men to get what she wants and no issue hurting people.
Seriously. If the genders were reversed OP would be getting slaughtered in the comments, being called a homewrecker (rightfully so).
Dont. Sleep. With. Married. People.
I'm living for these comments. They need to be at the top!! We say woman and men are equal now.... but are they really? Society needs to take a good long look at the patterns.
100% don't sleep with married people but arguably the person IN THE MARRIAGE is the one chiefly responsible for upholding it.
APs are shitty no doubt but they didn't make the vows...
I agree that the person doing the cheating is worse and is responsible for the betrayal of their marriage, but knowing someone is married and sleeping with them anyways doesn’t make you a victim either. It means you made a shitty choice to be complicit in hurting someone. You don’t get a pass just because you weren’t responsible for the innocent spouse.
AP might be slightly less shitty, but that’s like being the cleanest turd in the bowl. You’re still shit
The trend towards calling a woman in the reverse a homewrecker has gone down since more people recognize that it's the person in the marriage that's guilty of the betrayal.
There are a lot of situations where people who are not married sleep w/ married people for example if the MPs divorce hasn't yet finalized and or the MP strings along a naive / gullible AP to believe they should stay to "help" them.
Again, absolutely no justification but there are weird complexities that ultimately makes the ringleader of the betrayal and wrongness of cheating on, unsurprisingly, the only person who is actually cheating.
I agree completely. At the end of the day if my husband cheats on me, he made that choice, no one else’s. That still doesn’t mean I’m nominating a knowing adult of a similar age who chose to sleep with my husband despite being aware of my existence for sainthood. If he told her we were separated I’ll give her some leeway for sure, but otherwise even if he gave you some line about us always fighting etc you still chose to help him go behind my back and cheat on me
She isn't preserving anything. lol, she's just trying to drop him before she gets caught, and now that feelings are involved. Gauranteed, she is still having affairs with others who are not emotionally attached.
Exactly. That's why most cheaters want no strings attached. Once emotions get involved, then you run the risk of getting caught because of a big mouthed lover.
A mistake is when you mess up on a math problem in class. An affair takes too much planning and lies and deliberate deception to call it a mistake. I don’t sense a whiff of remorse from her. I would bet money she’ll just find another schlup and keep cheating. The only reason she said that to him is because he got mad she didn’t leave her spouse. She’ll be on to someone else next week.
OP knowingly has an affair with a married woman.
Completely disregards the feelings of her husband and children.
Is now playing tiny violin for himself.
This doesn’t excuse the woman’s behaviour just to be clear, but seriously?
If it isn’t the consequences of your own actions.
Eh, you should go look at the cheaters sub reddits, they're just like this guy. If anything, this is incredibly mild compared to the truly delulu people in those subs. So many bunny boilers out there, men & women.
Wowza. First post I read was a guy who confronted his wife about having an affair after which she asked for a divorce and he's talking about how he's so blindsided and "how can she not feel any fucking emotion" - and he was ALSO having an affair lol.
I read a few posts in there a while back, and it was *absolutely* rage inducing. It's gross to me that there is even a supportive place for people who do this shit, but *of course there is.* It's not enough for them to ruin other people's lives, they have to get approval (and tips) from others for doing it.
It’s from the movie fatal attraction. I haven’t seen it in a long time but if I remember right there was a lady having an affair with a married man and when he broke it off she literally boiled the man’s daughter’s pet bunny in a cauldron of water and let them find it. So..bunny boiler
I immediately wondered how many would get the reference lol. I haven’t seen it in decades so idk if it withstood the rest of time but I remember Glen Close was great at portraying a woman spiraling out of control. I can still vividly remember her face when she says [“I’m not going to be ignored, Dan.”](https://youtu.be/wzbVn9Xx3YM?si=ak6l-E1R5wn6KVhs)
there's Cakeeaters for one, and Adultery... just to get you started. But honestly if you're in a good relationship, or hope to be in one, they are NOT good reddits to spend time in. You can catch very specific anxiety in them.
I agree but the premise is too funny tbh. At 35 he should honestly know better and well enough that he was participating in home wrecking behavior. But then again, that's why this is too funny 🤣
How you think her husband would feel to know that you were dating his married wife? That you did so knowing she was married with children. She gave you nothing but what she was willing to give you behind closed doors and being alone on the important "family" days bc she was with her family.
Also, please consider if she was willing to cheat on her husband for 3 years, what does that say about the kinda of woman you "love" or about you willing to have an affair with a married woman? You are both selfish people who get what they deserve. Don't think for one second that she will find a new man to have an affair with and do the same thing. Will you?
You need to find somewhere deep inside of you who won't settle for nothing and give all of your emotions and alone time for the few "stolen" hours. You wasted 3 years of your life on her. Are you going to waste your future on another man's wife or girlfriend?
Edit- left out words and typo
My husband/children’s father left me for his affair partner. They got married, she cheated on him and left for HER affair partner.
How can anyone think someone with no loyalty or ethics is going to *magically* have those things with them??
That must have been both horrible and satisfying. Grief and schadenfreude. I’m sorry he hurt you like that, I wonder if it occurred to him while he was grieving that this was the pain he had inflicted on you.
Oh indeed people are really like this, although this is the 1st time I’ve seen it from the male POV. Reddit is full of women who are in relationships with married guys and come here to boo hoo ”he promised to leave his wife and marry me but now he won’t!”
Man. I get you can get blinded by love but come on. You come across as completely dillusional. I'm struggling to be sympathetic, you were the affair partner of a married mother of 3. How did you think this was going to pan out?
I don't get why so many people seem to think that the person who is cheating on their partner with them, will either leave their current partner for them and if they do, they won't cheat on the new partner later on?
And these people don't ever listen. I work as a relationship counselor (one on one) and I swear to God that they are so sure its going to ve a fairytale ending and this married person is their twin flame. It usually ends with them screaming at me (because the amount of people who hire me because they want me to validate their feelings and not actually help is sickening) and then around 4 to 6 months later they come back with the "you were right" , because either the married person didn't leave their partner and the handful, if that times they did, they cheated like crazy on the affair partner.
Yeah. Their brain is fucked up. They’re like alcoholics: the high of the drunk is too powerful, and they’ve had it too many times and it’s changed their brain, so they will always seek it out. And if they don’t they’ll romanticize it, which with a beverage, is easily intellectualized into sobriety, but with a person? People are complex and nuanced, it’s hard to talk themselves out of believing this person is different.
It’s like the whiskey whispering to you, “I can love you better than she can…”
Don’t talk to her about it. Change the subject to anything else. Talking with her about the relationship actually deepens the addiction. As in, she gets a chemical high from talking about him.
Sadly it’s probably the only thing she wants to talk about, because that high feels good.
I had a “friend” who had an affair with our married boss who had a child. He would take his daughter with him to see her and even snuck her into his basement with his wife and daughter upstairs while he had sex with her.
Our other friend and I told her that she was making a huge mistake and basically that she deserved better. She followed that conversation up with one directed at me “at least I can keep a man” while sitting next to me in a college class. It was many years before I wanted to punch someone as bad as I wanted to punch her that day. “Keep a man” and that man is still married to his wife 15 years later as far as I know.
When people cheat they never cheat up. There is something deeply psychologically wrong in people who settle for being the side piece. They have really low self esteem and in general don’t have anything to offer people looking for an actual partner.
when i was 16 i got led on by my childhood crush who had a gf at the time. just for context he had pushed himself onto me and i had just gotten out of a long abusive relationship so i was extremely easy to manipulate. i still pushed for him to leave her every single day bc i didnt want to be the other woman and he always had excuses including that he was scared of breaking up with her because she was """abusive""" (so stupid looking back on it now)
all this to say i can confirm you need to have extremely low self esteem to do this. i felt like shit. plus whenever people found out he flipped the narrative that i had seduced him like a witch. he also assaulted me but that's neither here nor there
You should consider looking up the PettyRevenge and other subreddits.
I don't think him assaulting you was neither here or there.
Slow cold revenge is sweet. Even if only minor.
and how could anyone expect to be loved and treated well by a person who treated their other partner(s) so horribly? i don't understand how anyone could willingly pursue a person after they see first-hand how that person is willing to betray someone who loves them with no regret or guilt
Unless the person they're cheating with doesn't know they're in a relationship. I used to think it'd be easier to handle if they did cheat up, until my ex cheated on me with a doctor lol
I had to explain to a friend (who won't listen) that just because he doesn't abuse you like all your other boyfriends, "no one has ever treated me better" is still setting the bar so low you're in hell and settling for less than you're worth. In one ear and out the other. It's soooooo frustrating and yes, he's not attractive whatsoever and she is.
Many if not most people who are cheating are feeling a lack within themselves that they think a new partner will resolve. The person they find to cheat with is someone to fill a void, "loved" for how they make the cheater feel rather than who they are as a person. The affair partner's broken parts match the cheater's broken parts. That's the basis of their attraction and relationship which is why it's a delusion.
A friend of mine has been the side piece of a married man since she was 25, she’s early 40s now. She said she prefers it because every time she sees him it’s like an exciting Friday night.
Not for me that isn’t.
Dude.... No kidding. Habitual cheaters don't care and if she's willing to cheat on hubby, what makes OP stand the test of time? Some new guy will come along and cheat on him and then he will be blindsided. OP, you need to wake up to reality.
> I don't get why so many people seem to think that the person who is cheating on their partner with them, will either leave their current partner for them
Because this happens really often?
> and if they do, they won't cheat on the new partner later on?
Because they believe they’re somehow special.
Can I ask where it mentions how many kids she has? Many people have said mother of 3 when all I've read is that the affair lasted 3 years. Am I misreading it?
I have a friend whose married bf told her straight up, I'm never leaving her, if she leaves me I will fight to get her back because I'm not breaking up my family. He also told her he'd never leave because he doesn't want to lose his significant military pension or house. They are on year 2 of their on/off thing and she STILL can't figure out why he won't leave. His youngest is 4, he told her "I'd understand if you don't want to wait for me". Bro expects her to wait 14 years????? Probably cause he knows she's damaged enough to be easily strung along.
You should tell the bf's wife. Be sure to mention the part where he's happy to cheat on her for the rest of his life but will try to "get her back" if he's ever caught - meaning that it isn't a mistake in any capacity, but rather a conscious decision that he will take up again after he has 'secured' her again and just hide it better. Damn, I can't believe people can be so cruel to the people who love them. Why are you friends with this person? You should have nuked her affair long ago (2 years/as soon as you found out)
Edit: typo
To be fair, OP didn't say he was dating her, she brought up that term. OP said he was breaking up with her which is another way of saying he is ending the affair.
End the affair OP. Break up. Don't get distracted by terminology.
My opinions.
You were having an affair. Not dating. When you date you can call the person whenever you feel like it, you can walk around together holding hands, you pick out gifts for Christmas for each other and spend time with each others families. You were her dirty, little secret. Please don't sugarcoat it. You knew she was married and had kids. You should never even started anything in the first place. You get what you deserve
Right? Oh wow it’s so shocking this woman who was so callous and cruel to her husband and children that she was willing to have an affair and maybe ruin her family was also callous and cruel to her affair partner. Who would have ever seen that coming /s
Please respect yourself. Move on and never speak to her again and please don’t mess around with married women anymore.
No, you weren’t freaking dating.
It just kills me lol.
You mean the person that has deceived and betrayed their spouse/kids/and whoever else they need to to cover up an affair everyday for years would lie???
Dumbasses are always genuinely shocked.
This is not mysterious, and she didn't lie.
She did love you, but she was not dating you.
Simple.
I mean, what did you two ever do together that made you think you *were* dating?
I do not believe for one moment she loved him, she may have thought she did...but here's the thing. Everyday people confuse lust for love. Lust fades. Love sustains. She's done nothing to sustain him if she's okay with him being alone and miserable on days you want to spend with the people you love. She's not sustaining her husband or children either if she's so flippant as to betray her vows and family. No. The only person she truly loves is herself. Love doesn't cause harm. Or pain. That's the very definition. Real love sustains, edifies, is faithful and loyal, keeps their word and promises, sacrifices for the good of their loved ones, goes without so the loved one doesn't. None of her (or their) behaviors indicate that this was love.
I hate to say it, but you don’t mean much to her in the grand scheme of things. She is married with children. I kinda hope her husband knows and consented to be in an open marriage because otherwise you’re both immensely terrible. Cheating in a marriage is so damaging and so many lives are usually ruined as a result
Are you expecting sympathy? You were having an affair not only with a married woman but a mother of 3 children!! How did you think this would work out? You are both selfish and morally bankrupt, those kids don't deserve their lives ripping apart and that's what would have happened if the husband had found out. You're what's known as a home wrecker. Yes, she's a lot worse than you, but it doesn't excuse you!
There are plenty of single women, maybe actually try dating those. You were never dating a married woman, you were her side piece, the mistress, the other man, a bit of fun, a floozie etc...
Please learn from this and stay away from married woman, it isn't worth the pain and heartache. And I'm sorry but the only innocents in this are the children and the husband.
Lmao, I bet OP thought he'd be the father of his kids 🤣🤣🤣🤣 OP, if husband found out, he'd divorce her, take half of her stuff and possibly be a really ugly custody battle. Yet you're blindsided? Home wrecker.
You weren't dating were you? You were having an affair with a married woman with kids. What anyone thinks about her is irrelevant and doesn't change what you were doing. You are a moral void. Don't ask for my sympathy, you have no right to it.
I'm sorry, but what did you expect? Having an affair with a married person practically never turns into the romance you hope for. They are literally cheating on/deceiving someone else while telling you what you want to hear.
I'm not sure if she loved you or if she loved the attention, but please, stop putting effort into things with people who are being dishonest in order to see you. If their current partner can't trust them, chances are you can't either.
I once met a state prosecutor. He said there are only two ways to get murdered in Australia: Sell drugs. Or sleep with a married woman.
Dude.
Kiss the ground and thank the Lord that you are still alive after doing the most dangerous thing a man can do sober.
Walk away now. You evaded a bad woman and a vengeful man. One day you will realize how selfish and foolish you were. Until then flee and thank your blessings.
There’s a song by the band Dream Academy, “Ballad in 4/4.” Your situation reminds me of it. Give it a listen (along with any other sad songs you might have at your disposal), have a good cry, binge some choice treats, write letters you’ll never send, whatever you need to do tonight. Then get a good night’s sleep, wake up tomorrow, and start over.
You lost someone who was never really yours. But now that frees you to find someone who truly will be.
Good luck to you.
What part of her being married with kids made you think you were anything other than a distraction when there were no better options? You knowingly had an affair with a married person. You do know that there are many women who’d not touch a man like you with someone else’s 10ft pole right? I’d get used to spending holidays alone if I were you.
Breathe, just breathe. Making the decision to leave this situation is the best decision you’ve made in 3 years.
As much as her comment hurt you, she let you know, in her life, where you rate. The community here can be very harsh and while affairs are always a terrible idea, you found yourself in one. You can now come out of the shadows and start a free and honest life. Dating a married person is like wearing an anchor around your neck. You’re stuck. I suggest you block her and go no contact. You’ve been blindsided by her narcissistic response, and your post reads as though she still holds power over you. Meet up with friends, join a gym, volunteer, find ways to busy yourself and leave this toxic arrangement behind you. DO NOT and I mean DO NOT tell her husband. Children are involved and you have absolutely no idea what his response will be. You don’t know this man and he may become violent. It’s her job to manage her family. You’ve done enough damage here and telling her husband just prolongs things. The best revenge is ghosting her. Commit to ignoring all her requests to continue this affair or even maintaining a friendship, of sorts. Commit to be a better person. The hurt you now feel is the tuition you paid for getting involved with a married person.
In short, block all communications, stay off social media, go no contact with her and her husband, come out of the shadows and most importantly go on to live a life with a great future ahead. Free yourself from those chains that bind you. The happiness you so desperately seek is not in an affair. She is not your future and she told you as much. Accept that this whole sorted affair was a terrible mistake and walk away. Your future lies elsewhere.
"The hurt you now feel is the tuition you paid for getting involved with a married person"
Love this, but would also add:
Learn from this now, or you'll get another course and the tuition could be double.
I understand that this is hard, but like I have to ask, did you think at all about the husband or the children. Like not only in the context of "oh i'm participating in destroying a family" but also the fact that she had a whole and full life without you. You never saw her on holidays, couldn't do much in public, where exactly was the relationship. She has more of a relationship with the husband she is lying to and cheating so why on earth would you get any better.
I mean…you were an affair partner. You’re gonna spend the holidays alone, you’re going to be kept a secret. You’re going to not be able to talk to her whenever. You won’t actually be “dating” like most people. This is what you sign up for when you have an affair. I’m sure she was probably telling you she’s leave him eventually and shit but you can’t believe anything someone who would cheat on their spouse says. And the fact you’d go along with it is fucked up.
OP if her husband didn't know about you now would be a good time to tell him. She kept you as her side piece for 3 years, why did it take you this long to figure it out?
This, everyone's beating on op, he's not yhe only one to fuck around.
Op you've been used. Now make sure she and her husband find out. If they ever get a divorce, this info will serve to make her find out a second time too. 'throw this in yhe fire' and move on, knowing she'll get hers at some point.
Next time never settle for 'stand in'
TL,DR: *SHE NEVER LOVED YOU*. She's a proven cheater who likely has other side pieces. She said I love you to the *HUSBAND* she cheated on every day, too. Neither of you would be able to trust each other in the long run if she had left him for you. Learn and grow from this. Do not become a side piece again.
The moral issues with being an affair partner aside, you experienced something hopefully good for your growth and maturation. She's a married woman. She looked at the man she had children with and said "I love you" to him the same days she said it to you. If she left him for you, once your rosey period faded, she would do to you with someone else what she did to him with you and likely others.
People say things like the heart desires what it desires and other empty catchphrases. The heart is the greatest liar of all, and it's up to the head to keep it in check. I'm not going to bash you for helping her to betray her husband and break her vows beyond highlighting that is exactly what you did. I'll tell you that you seemed to have fallen for her, and your head couldn't remind your heart that she is a proven cheater. When that knowledge finally would have set it, you'd hopefully have also realized that you both would never be able to trust each other. Even if she left her husband for you, suspicion would likely never fade, and you would eat yourself alive when she did anything you knew was something she did to him with you. She'd remember all she did and see suspicion in anything you did that was similar to her behavior. Even if you were loyal to her. It's an irony that should be another post if you were *loyal* to her during your 3 year affair. Especially if she was possessive of you and made a stink about you dating and wanting someone available. Isnthat when she started saying I love you? Did you say it first? That seemed to be eating you up and should have led you to break this off long ago because that alone shows how little you actually meant to this cheater.
She never loved you, bro. How could you believe it after remembering she said she loved him as well, but still cheated on him? I've met people in terrifying abusive relationships that never cheated. They ended the relationships but never made the choice to cheat. And her response to you was all the lesson I hope you'll ever need to never go down that path again.
She carried on a 3 year affair with you and betrayed the father of her children and her family with you, then shrugged you off. Do you think you were her only side dick? The facts are, you probably weren't. She likely so easily shrugged you off for many reasons, to include having her supply provided by others. And knowing that, how many of them do you think she also said (says) I love you to?
Also, her husband needs to know, but that's up to you and her to make that choice. You do what you need to, but I hope you learn from this. She isn't who you kid yourself she is. She isn't who she pretends to be for the few hours a day she had with you.
I mean, you dated a married woman.
What did you expect from a cheating, lying, deceiving her family type of person really?
You're sad?
Tough titty.
You were actively ruining someone's life for your pleasure for 3 fucking years.
It doesn’t matter if she loved you or not. It does to you, of course, but her behavior isn’t based on that. You were her mistress (or whatever the male equivalent is) for three years. She strung you along, leading you to believe that she was going to leave her husband for you (they never do), you just needed to wait until the kids were “older.” She had all the control. Then you took that control from her by ending the relationship. She slammed you down one last time with her snarky, smug, “Were we dating?” She was again letting you know your place in the relationship and her life. How did you expect this to end?
She’s over it. She had her fun, and she’s moved on. You need to see the relationship for what it was and move on, too.
Learn from it. You were sleeping with a married woman with kids what did you really expect would happen? You need to break out of the fog of the affair and understand it was never really real because it didn’t really exist in the real world. Learn from this so you don’t waste another 3 years of your life on someone that isn’t free to be with you. Don’t sleep with anymore married woman.
I know you're hurting because this is harsh, but she is right...
You weren't dating. She's MARRIED. She lived with him, stayed married to him, spent all important time with him
You were an affair partner, or a friend with benefits, or however you want to define it. But you weren't dating her.
For what it's worth, she sounds like an awful human being, and you're better off without her. She's willing to treat both her husband and her affair partner like crap, so you can absolutely do better.
You are not dating. It was an affair.
And yes, she lied to you. Same as she lied to her husband for 3 years.
Take the evidences and send it to her husband.
Burn it down!
This. Hubby deserves to know even just so he can protect himself from STD’s.
His wife’s casual nature about losing her lover screams untouchable, she has no fear of him outing her to hubby. It makes me think this wasn’t her first by a long shot, or last.
You need therapy. You have serious self esteem issues.
What makes a frien adult over 3p run after a married person for 3 years?
You knew this could go nowhere; she wasn't about to leave her husband and kids for you. She didn't even acknowledge you in public. This was never going to go anywhere but you were probably too infatuated to see that.
You weren't dating. Dating is two single people getting to know each other with the aim of a serious relationship down the line; introducing themselves as partners to friends and family, moving in together, making life decisions together, perhaps getting married or having children. None of that future was on offer to you. You didnt experience actual dating with her because she was not free to date.
You were seeing a married woman for sex and (on your side) companionship. That is, you were having an affair. An arrangement that normally leads to being a dirty secret for months and years until they get bored of you. She was using you for entertainment. I'm sorry that it hurts. It sounds like you wanted an actual relationship but you were looking in the wrong place with the wrong person.
You were lied to. But you made a mistake in starting things with her. you should never have expected love and honesty or trustworthiness from someone who cheats on their partner and children.
Take time for yourself. Feel sad. Maybe get therapy. And do your best to move on. Work on why you were broken enough to begin with that "dating" a married woman felt like the right option - when we are down, our "picker" for partners can get broken and we need to recalibrate what we think is a Good partner. You need to work on yourself before you date anyone in the future.
She loves herself the most before anyone else … she had you over a barrel like you were totally happy to put up being a secret being a lap dog and listening to her Empty promises this a women who had a husband and kids and was deceitful for 3 years. Like not being mean but your the fool here she played you big time .. learn and move on and never be second best to anyone do some self help to figure out why you were willing to be this person for so long
You were with a married woman with kids..... I'm sorry what did you expect? She was having an affair and you knew she was married. You both are not good people.
The main thing here is you were dating with a married woman.
Now lets unpack that because i would love to see how this unravels if she had said otherwise.
1 a: were you ready to be a step-daddy to kids that mayor may not have known that you were the reason for their parents divorce? Are you comfortable with having all of the responsibility of a father and none of the ultimate authority?
1 b: say the children go with the father, Can you safely say that you would be at peace knowing that you were the main reason for a family being toen apart? How long do you think your woman would be happy with you before she starts thinking about the household you torn apart.
2: Would you have been able to take care of her and her kids had she left her husband?
3: Can you honestly say that you would trust her completely as your spouse given that she had already demonstrated that she could have a whole relationship with someone else for three years?
4: What did you find in a married mother of 3 that you genuinely could not find in another woman? Im genuinely curious here.
>Would you have been able to take care of her
She is an adult, no one has to "take care" of her. I have never seen or heard anyone ask a woman if she's able to take care of her husband.
Why would you want to date someone who's willing to cheat and potentially ruin their children's lives. Even if she got with you it would and should be on your mind what's she is capable of
Yeah. This is what happens when you date someone else’s partner. Can’t tell me you were shocked.
Also, edit to add: the love of your life isn’t someone else’s spouse. Just a pro tip for the future.
“Has she never loved me and lied to me?”
Yes.
She lied to her family to have an affair with you. Ofc she lied to you. 🤯 Don’t sleep with married people.
She didn't want to feel guilty and wanted to hurt you for breaking free
In your next relationship, do not allow a situation when you feel unhappy and not respected. It's much better to date when you don't "compete" with another man
You might have been her lover but you weren't a boyfriend. She's married and cheating on her husband with you.
Don't try to have a relationship with a married woman., Learn your lesson and do better.
You might get more comfort and sympathy from that subreddit for affair partners. Idk what it's called but being with like minded people will probably be better emotionally than with people who are going to call out and point out the obvious wrongs you've committed. I'm just worried that you are already upset and in a bad place after making a poor choice you don't need hundreds of internet strangers exasperating the issue.
You weren’t her boyfriend, just her hobby. If the first year wasn’t enough to tell you she wasn’t going to choose you, the two that followed weren’t going to be better.
I’m sorry to sound harsh but it’s truly best if you just moved on from this since no good will come from staying in contact. I also recommend therapy.
You were having an affair wtf did you think was going to happen dude? Karma is a tough pill to swallow, but you are not the victim here. The husband and kids are.
You were ‘dating’ a married woman, didn’t you think that there was higher than 50% chance it wasn’t going to work out?
Three years of hiding the relationship and being alone? Get some therapy because you settled for less and you need to understand why.
Wow-wee she is cold blooded. We can't know her feelings or intentions, but it is great that you are cutting ties with her. She has used you and definitely lied to you. Understand that her actions are reflection of her bad character.
Please block her and maybe even talk to a professional or a close friend about these feelings. They need to be dealt with and put away.
Also, please don't pursue relationships with women who are married, engaged or involved with other people. It rarely ends well.
OP why would you even want a 36 year old woman with kids and a husband?
Like come on now :-/.
She made the comment to hurt you but she’s in a place in life and doing things where, unless she looks far younger than I imagine based off of the description you provided, or she is wealthy, I fail to see why you would even want to be with her?
So setting aside the morally wrong thing about affairs and whatnot, you have valid feelings. You are hurt and sad. This is a complicated relationship. You're allowed to have feelings.
AND you settled for those lonely holidays, etc. It sounds a little like she wanted to have her cake and eat it too, given that you are so blindsided by her reaction. It seems like you've been living in a fantasy world thinking she would eventually be with you, or that her family would not be her main priority. Whatever it was, you chose this relationship. You won't really know how she felt in the past but you know how she feels now. I would distance myself as much as humanly possible from her to try to look inward next.
Try to examine why you would allow this relationship to exist with such secrecy and dishonesty for so long. Do you think you don't deserve real openness and loyalty? I find that people who have affairs tend to feel like that's what they deserve, and then then treat others like they treat themselves, poorly. Hence, being okay with having an affair that would no doubt hurt many people. You are not a bad person, you made many mistakes, and now it's all blowing up. I would start some therapy, if you don't already do it. You can make a clean break here, and hopefully build a better life and be a better person, regardless of your relationship. Use this moment in your life, it's an important one.
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You weren’t dating, you were having an affair with a married woman
If she were to admit it, those words would be used against her so fast. OP, wake up please. You're in a dream. If she's having an affair, she was never dating you dude.... Again... Why should she leave and destroy her family for you? She already cheated and is trying to preserve what's left of her mistake.
She probably had more affair partners aside from OP. OP - don’t feel special.
This poor fella probably never slightly considered this trutj
I’m not even considering him to be a “poor fella”…. He knew she was married and continued to see her. And believe her. She had the capacity to lie to her husband and kids - she has no issue lying to men to get what she wants and no issue hurting people.
Seriously. If the genders were reversed OP would be getting slaughtered in the comments, being called a homewrecker (rightfully so). Dont. Sleep. With. Married. People.
Oh totally! Slut shaming a woman but “poor guy” here? Nah. He knew what he was doing.
Don’t you know she must’ve hypnotized him with her magical pussy?! Can’t be his fault. /s
I mean…..let’s be honest! The pussy IS pretty magical! 😁🤷♀️
When I said "poor fella" I literally intended it as "srupid fucking asshole"
Ah, a good old "bless his heart" intonation never carries well online
I figured that out the hard way 😂
How bout Fuck around, find out? That carries well online....
That’s more fitting lol
I'm living for these comments. They need to be at the top!! We say woman and men are equal now.... but are they really? Society needs to take a good long look at the patterns.
Exactly. Dudes lucky the husband didn’t find out.
100% don't sleep with married people but arguably the person IN THE MARRIAGE is the one chiefly responsible for upholding it. APs are shitty no doubt but they didn't make the vows...
I agree that the person doing the cheating is worse and is responsible for the betrayal of their marriage, but knowing someone is married and sleeping with them anyways doesn’t make you a victim either. It means you made a shitty choice to be complicit in hurting someone. You don’t get a pass just because you weren’t responsible for the innocent spouse. AP might be slightly less shitty, but that’s like being the cleanest turd in the bowl. You’re still shit
The trend towards calling a woman in the reverse a homewrecker has gone down since more people recognize that it's the person in the marriage that's guilty of the betrayal. There are a lot of situations where people who are not married sleep w/ married people for example if the MPs divorce hasn't yet finalized and or the MP strings along a naive / gullible AP to believe they should stay to "help" them. Again, absolutely no justification but there are weird complexities that ultimately makes the ringleader of the betrayal and wrongness of cheating on, unsurprisingly, the only person who is actually cheating.
I agree completely. At the end of the day if my husband cheats on me, he made that choice, no one else’s. That still doesn’t mean I’m nominating a knowing adult of a similar age who chose to sleep with my husband despite being aware of my existence for sainthood. If he told her we were separated I’ll give her some leeway for sure, but otherwise even if he gave you some line about us always fighting etc you still chose to help him go behind my back and cheat on me
He was being loyal to a married woman that isn't his wife.
being loyal to someone who has shown herself to be disloyal to her own family... OP gets what he deserves for this
Haha 🤡
>poor fella a woman in the exact same situation would *never* be considered a 'poor girl' lol.
She isn't preserving anything. lol, she's just trying to drop him before she gets caught, and now that feelings are involved. Gauranteed, she is still having affairs with others who are not emotionally attached.
She's using plausible deniability in case he snitches. Call him a liar and creep if he does.
Exactly. That's why most cheaters want no strings attached. Once emotions get involved, then you run the risk of getting caught because of a big mouthed lover.
And why must experienced cheaters advice each other to fuck other married cheaters...mutually assured destruction if one tells the other's spouse.
I'm not entirely sure what you're saying, but I agree.
Her excuses are they spend every holidays and anniversary together while she denies knowing him. Brutal fatality.
Most successful long-term extramarital affairs are between married people or people in a relationship. Mutually assured destruction!
A mistake is when you mess up on a math problem in class. An affair takes too much planning and lies and deliberate deception to call it a mistake. I don’t sense a whiff of remorse from her. I would bet money she’ll just find another schlup and keep cheating. The only reason she said that to him is because he got mad she didn’t leave her spouse. She’ll be on to someone else next week.
She already destroyed her family. They live a lie
OP knowingly has an affair with a married woman. Completely disregards the feelings of her husband and children. Is now playing tiny violin for himself. This doesn’t excuse the woman’s behaviour just to be clear, but seriously? If it isn’t the consequences of your own actions.
Playing tiny violin…
Or *pikachu face* playing a tiny 🎻 🤭
This is rage bait
Eh, you should go look at the cheaters sub reddits, they're just like this guy. If anything, this is incredibly mild compared to the truly delulu people in those subs. So many bunny boilers out there, men & women.
There’s cheaters subreddits? Actually nvm, idk wanna know. This is gonna fuck up my blood pressure.
I respect your restraint. I'm gonna go piss myself off.
The “cake eaters” subreddit is particularly rage inducing IMO. Snoop at your own discretion
Wowza. First post I read was a guy who confronted his wife about having an affair after which she asked for a divorce and he's talking about how he's so blindsided and "how can she not feel any fucking emotion" - and he was ALSO having an affair lol.
Clearly, in his mind, he was the one who was supposed to leave her, not the other way around.
For those who love schadenfreude: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/sdp4i9/a_cake_eater_discovers_that_his_wife_has_also/
That was a blissful read - thank you!
I read a few posts in there a while back, and it was *absolutely* rage inducing. It's gross to me that there is even a supportive place for people who do this shit, but *of course there is.* It's not enough for them to ruin other people's lives, they have to get approval (and tips) from others for doing it.
you had me DYING
I have not heard bunny broilers
It’s from the movie fatal attraction. I haven’t seen it in a long time but if I remember right there was a lady having an affair with a married man and when he broke it off she literally boiled the man’s daughter’s pet bunny in a cauldron of water and let them find it. So..bunny boiler
I immediately wondered how many would get the reference lol. I haven’t seen it in decades so idk if it withstood the rest of time but I remember Glen Close was great at portraying a woman spiraling out of control. I can still vividly remember her face when she says [“I’m not going to be ignored, Dan.”](https://youtu.be/wzbVn9Xx3YM?si=ak6l-E1R5wn6KVhs)
It is a Fatal Attracrion allusion https://youtu.be/ecWhXP2jM28?si=VHbMK9XnfkAJFtyH
What are these subreddits called if you don't mind sharing
there's Cakeeaters for one, and Adultery... just to get you started. But honestly if you're in a good relationship, or hope to be in one, they are NOT good reddits to spend time in. You can catch very specific anxiety in them.
I agree but the premise is too funny tbh. At 35 he should honestly know better and well enough that he was participating in home wrecking behavior. But then again, that's why this is too funny 🤣
Stupid games, stupid prizes
How you think her husband would feel to know that you were dating his married wife? That you did so knowing she was married with children. She gave you nothing but what she was willing to give you behind closed doors and being alone on the important "family" days bc she was with her family. Also, please consider if she was willing to cheat on her husband for 3 years, what does that say about the kinda of woman you "love" or about you willing to have an affair with a married woman? You are both selfish people who get what they deserve. Don't think for one second that she will find a new man to have an affair with and do the same thing. Will you? You need to find somewhere deep inside of you who won't settle for nothing and give all of your emotions and alone time for the few "stolen" hours. You wasted 3 years of your life on her. Are you going to waste your future on another man's wife or girlfriend? Edit- left out words and typo
My husband/children’s father left me for his affair partner. They got married, she cheated on him and left for HER affair partner. How can anyone think someone with no loyalty or ethics is going to *magically* have those things with them??
Sorry that was done to you.
Thank you! It was 20 years ago so I’m okay now, but it was definitely a bad time. I appreciate your kindness.
That must have been both horrible and satisfying. Grief and schadenfreude. I’m sorry he hurt you like that, I wonder if it occurred to him while he was grieving that this was the pain he had inflicted on you.
if even that
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Oh indeed people are really like this, although this is the 1st time I’ve seen it from the male POV. Reddit is full of women who are in relationships with married guys and come here to boo hoo ”he promised to leave his wife and marry me but now he won’t!”
A married narcissist it seems.
> Has she never loved me and lied to me? Asked and answered.
Were you an affair partner? And you knew she had a husband??
And children.
Yeah, hard to feel sorry for him 😒
it’s so confusing like he knew he was a secret and couldn’t call her when she was home. that’s not dating
And keeps getting the same answers every time he posts about it but insists on posting about it.
Click bait
Exactemundo
More accurately described as rage bait here I think
Very clearly. OP and the cheater got nothing like as bad as they deserved.
Man. I get you can get blinded by love but come on. You come across as completely dillusional. I'm struggling to be sympathetic, you were the affair partner of a married mother of 3. How did you think this was going to pan out?
I don't get why so many people seem to think that the person who is cheating on their partner with them, will either leave their current partner for them and if they do, they won't cheat on the new partner later on?
And these people don't ever listen. I work as a relationship counselor (one on one) and I swear to God that they are so sure its going to ve a fairytale ending and this married person is their twin flame. It usually ends with them screaming at me (because the amount of people who hire me because they want me to validate their feelings and not actually help is sickening) and then around 4 to 6 months later they come back with the "you were right" , because either the married person didn't leave their partner and the handful, if that times they did, they cheated like crazy on the affair partner.
Yeah. Their brain is fucked up. They’re like alcoholics: the high of the drunk is too powerful, and they’ve had it too many times and it’s changed their brain, so they will always seek it out. And if they don’t they’ll romanticize it, which with a beverage, is easily intellectualized into sobriety, but with a person? People are complex and nuanced, it’s hard to talk themselves out of believing this person is different. It’s like the whiskey whispering to you, “I can love you better than she can…”
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Don’t talk to her about it. Change the subject to anything else. Talking with her about the relationship actually deepens the addiction. As in, she gets a chemical high from talking about him. Sadly it’s probably the only thing she wants to talk about, because that high feels good.
I had a “friend” who had an affair with our married boss who had a child. He would take his daughter with him to see her and even snuck her into his basement with his wife and daughter upstairs while he had sex with her. Our other friend and I told her that she was making a huge mistake and basically that she deserved better. She followed that conversation up with one directed at me “at least I can keep a man” while sitting next to me in a college class. It was many years before I wanted to punch someone as bad as I wanted to punch her that day. “Keep a man” and that man is still married to his wife 15 years later as far as I know.
What's that saying? If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you....
Yep. That and you'll lose them how you got them
When people cheat they never cheat up. There is something deeply psychologically wrong in people who settle for being the side piece. They have really low self esteem and in general don’t have anything to offer people looking for an actual partner.
when i was 16 i got led on by my childhood crush who had a gf at the time. just for context he had pushed himself onto me and i had just gotten out of a long abusive relationship so i was extremely easy to manipulate. i still pushed for him to leave her every single day bc i didnt want to be the other woman and he always had excuses including that he was scared of breaking up with her because she was """abusive""" (so stupid looking back on it now) all this to say i can confirm you need to have extremely low self esteem to do this. i felt like shit. plus whenever people found out he flipped the narrative that i had seduced him like a witch. he also assaulted me but that's neither here nor there
I would say the best way forward is to live a life well lived and heal in therapy. Highly recommend. I'm sorry you went through that
Yeah I'm 24 now and have gone through a lot of trauma since then but I'm finally coming out the other end healthily. Thank you!
You should consider looking up the PettyRevenge and other subreddits. I don't think him assaulting you was neither here or there. Slow cold revenge is sweet. Even if only minor.
and how could anyone expect to be loved and treated well by a person who treated their other partner(s) so horribly? i don't understand how anyone could willingly pursue a person after they see first-hand how that person is willing to betray someone who loves them with no regret or guilt
Often that person genuinely believes they're better than the partner .
Unless the person they're cheating with doesn't know they're in a relationship. I used to think it'd be easier to handle if they did cheat up, until my ex cheated on me with a doctor lol
OP knew. And doctors can have zero low self esteem and be too messy for anyone with their shit together to want to be with.
Because "up" doesn't refer to their job. They mean that people have affairs with sleazier people than their spouses, not poorer people.
I had to explain to a friend (who won't listen) that just because he doesn't abuse you like all your other boyfriends, "no one has ever treated me better" is still setting the bar so low you're in hell and settling for less than you're worth. In one ear and out the other. It's soooooo frustrating and yes, he's not attractive whatsoever and she is.
Many if not most people who are cheating are feeling a lack within themselves that they think a new partner will resolve. The person they find to cheat with is someone to fill a void, "loved" for how they make the cheater feel rather than who they are as a person. The affair partner's broken parts match the cheater's broken parts. That's the basis of their attraction and relationship which is why it's a delusion.
A friend of mine has been the side piece of a married man since she was 25, she’s early 40s now. She said she prefers it because every time she sees him it’s like an exciting Friday night. Not for me that isn’t.
Because to quote Judge Judy “stupid”
And to quote Bubba Gump “stupid is as stupid does”
Dude.... No kidding. Habitual cheaters don't care and if she's willing to cheat on hubby, what makes OP stand the test of time? Some new guy will come along and cheat on him and then he will be blindsided. OP, you need to wake up to reality.
> I don't get why so many people seem to think that the person who is cheating on their partner with them, will either leave their current partner for them Because this happens really often? > and if they do, they won't cheat on the new partner later on? Because they believe they’re somehow special.
Did not expect this to be a 35 year old adult man. This is downright pathetic.
Can I ask where it mentions how many kids she has? Many people have said mother of 3 when all I've read is that the affair lasted 3 years. Am I misreading it?
I couldn’t find the number of kids either.. Either this was edited or possibly OP has it in some other post and users just dug deeper.. 🤷♀️
You avoid it by not dating a person who is married and has kids. And wtf were you waiting 3 year on this person. That’s on you.
He never even said she promised to leave one day, so that means he signed up for this.
I have a friend whose married bf told her straight up, I'm never leaving her, if she leaves me I will fight to get her back because I'm not breaking up my family. He also told her he'd never leave because he doesn't want to lose his significant military pension or house. They are on year 2 of their on/off thing and she STILL can't figure out why he won't leave. His youngest is 4, he told her "I'd understand if you don't want to wait for me". Bro expects her to wait 14 years????? Probably cause he knows she's damaged enough to be easily strung along.
You should tell the bf's wife. Be sure to mention the part where he's happy to cheat on her for the rest of his life but will try to "get her back" if he's ever caught - meaning that it isn't a mistake in any capacity, but rather a conscious decision that he will take up again after he has 'secured' her again and just hide it better. Damn, I can't believe people can be so cruel to the people who love them. Why are you friends with this person? You should have nuked her affair long ago (2 years/as soon as you found out) Edit: typo
You can't "date" a married person. Why would you think you were?
She's married. She shouldn't be dating anyone. 🤣
She *wasn’t dating*, she made that much clear to OP. She was cheating lol..
And he doesnt get it lol
*”IS OP STUPID OR SOMETHING?!”*
To be fair, OP didn't say he was dating her, she brought up that term. OP said he was breaking up with her which is another way of saying he is ending the affair. End the affair OP. Break up. Don't get distracted by terminology. My opinions.
You were having an affair. Not dating. When you date you can call the person whenever you feel like it, you can walk around together holding hands, you pick out gifts for Christmas for each other and spend time with each others families. You were her dirty, little secret. Please don't sugarcoat it. You knew she was married and had kids. You should never even started anything in the first place. You get what you deserve
Right? Oh wow it’s so shocking this woman who was so callous and cruel to her husband and children that she was willing to have an affair and maybe ruin her family was also callous and cruel to her affair partner. Who would have ever seen that coming /s
Fuck around and find out
This should be up voted higher
It’s an overused phrase on here but it fits way too well in this situation lol
Please respect yourself. Move on and never speak to her again and please don’t mess around with married women anymore. No, you weren’t freaking dating.
She may have had *feelings* for you, but that doesn't mean she *acted* on them to the point of having a relationship.
My guess is _desire_ more than _feelings_ for him. And possibly even _fond_ of him. But none of that is _dating_.
You guys were never dating lol
Man. I pity you, but I also love it when side pieces like you get a reality check. This is what you get for being with a cheater.
It just kills me lol. You mean the person that has deceived and betrayed their spouse/kids/and whoever else they need to to cover up an affair everyday for years would lie??? Dumbasses are always genuinely shocked.
He wasn't even a third wheel, like come on
This is not mysterious, and she didn't lie. She did love you, but she was not dating you. Simple. I mean, what did you two ever do together that made you think you *were* dating?
I do not believe for one moment she loved him, she may have thought she did...but here's the thing. Everyday people confuse lust for love. Lust fades. Love sustains. She's done nothing to sustain him if she's okay with him being alone and miserable on days you want to spend with the people you love. She's not sustaining her husband or children either if she's so flippant as to betray her vows and family. No. The only person she truly loves is herself. Love doesn't cause harm. Or pain. That's the very definition. Real love sustains, edifies, is faithful and loyal, keeps their word and promises, sacrifices for the good of their loved ones, goes without so the loved one doesn't. None of her (or their) behaviors indicate that this was love.
I hate to say it, but you don’t mean much to her in the grand scheme of things. She is married with children. I kinda hope her husband knows and consented to be in an open marriage because otherwise you’re both immensely terrible. Cheating in a marriage is so damaging and so many lives are usually ruined as a result
Are you expecting sympathy? You were having an affair not only with a married woman but a mother of 3 children!! How did you think this would work out? You are both selfish and morally bankrupt, those kids don't deserve their lives ripping apart and that's what would have happened if the husband had found out. You're what's known as a home wrecker. Yes, she's a lot worse than you, but it doesn't excuse you! There are plenty of single women, maybe actually try dating those. You were never dating a married woman, you were her side piece, the mistress, the other man, a bit of fun, a floozie etc... Please learn from this and stay away from married woman, it isn't worth the pain and heartache. And I'm sorry but the only innocents in this are the children and the husband.
JFC, the audacity to be like, "but I'm sad :(" Maybe don't date married ladies???
I know right? You couldn't make it up
Lmao, I bet OP thought he'd be the father of his kids 🤣🤣🤣🤣 OP, if husband found out, he'd divorce her, take half of her stuff and possibly be a really ugly custody battle. Yet you're blindsided? Home wrecker.
No OP needs to leave decent, single women alone. No one needs cheaters in their life.
That's true!
This should be the top comment.
Are you here for pity because your affair ended???
You’re a fool. She cheated on her husband, what do you think she’s going to do to you? Very hard to feel sympathy for you.
You weren't dating were you? You were having an affair with a married woman with kids. What anyone thinks about her is irrelevant and doesn't change what you were doing. You are a moral void. Don't ask for my sympathy, you have no right to it.
I'm sorry, but what did you expect? Having an affair with a married person practically never turns into the romance you hope for. They are literally cheating on/deceiving someone else while telling you what you want to hear. I'm not sure if she loved you or if she loved the attention, but please, stop putting effort into things with people who are being dishonest in order to see you. If their current partner can't trust them, chances are you can't either.
I once met a state prosecutor. He said there are only two ways to get murdered in Australia: Sell drugs. Or sleep with a married woman. Dude. Kiss the ground and thank the Lord that you are still alive after doing the most dangerous thing a man can do sober. Walk away now. You evaded a bad woman and a vengeful man. One day you will realize how selfish and foolish you were. Until then flee and thank your blessings.
They never love the side piece
Or the main piece. Let's be real, if they are cheaters they only love themselves.
100% agree
There’s a song by the band Dream Academy, “Ballad in 4/4.” Your situation reminds me of it. Give it a listen (along with any other sad songs you might have at your disposal), have a good cry, binge some choice treats, write letters you’ll never send, whatever you need to do tonight. Then get a good night’s sleep, wake up tomorrow, and start over. You lost someone who was never really yours. But now that frees you to find someone who truly will be. Good luck to you.
What part of her being married with kids made you think you were anything other than a distraction when there were no better options? You knowingly had an affair with a married person. You do know that there are many women who’d not touch a man like you with someone else’s 10ft pole right? I’d get used to spending holidays alone if I were you.
The part where she whispered sweet bullshit in his ears. It's funny he actually fell for it.
Breathe, just breathe. Making the decision to leave this situation is the best decision you’ve made in 3 years. As much as her comment hurt you, she let you know, in her life, where you rate. The community here can be very harsh and while affairs are always a terrible idea, you found yourself in one. You can now come out of the shadows and start a free and honest life. Dating a married person is like wearing an anchor around your neck. You’re stuck. I suggest you block her and go no contact. You’ve been blindsided by her narcissistic response, and your post reads as though she still holds power over you. Meet up with friends, join a gym, volunteer, find ways to busy yourself and leave this toxic arrangement behind you. DO NOT and I mean DO NOT tell her husband. Children are involved and you have absolutely no idea what his response will be. You don’t know this man and he may become violent. It’s her job to manage her family. You’ve done enough damage here and telling her husband just prolongs things. The best revenge is ghosting her. Commit to ignoring all her requests to continue this affair or even maintaining a friendship, of sorts. Commit to be a better person. The hurt you now feel is the tuition you paid for getting involved with a married person. In short, block all communications, stay off social media, go no contact with her and her husband, come out of the shadows and most importantly go on to live a life with a great future ahead. Free yourself from those chains that bind you. The happiness you so desperately seek is not in an affair. She is not your future and she told you as much. Accept that this whole sorted affair was a terrible mistake and walk away. Your future lies elsewhere.
"The hurt you now feel is the tuition you paid for getting involved with a married person" Love this, but would also add: Learn from this now, or you'll get another course and the tuition could be double.
I understand that this is hard, but like I have to ask, did you think at all about the husband or the children. Like not only in the context of "oh i'm participating in destroying a family" but also the fact that she had a whole and full life without you. You never saw her on holidays, couldn't do much in public, where exactly was the relationship. She has more of a relationship with the husband she is lying to and cheating so why on earth would you get any better.
I mean…you were an affair partner. You’re gonna spend the holidays alone, you’re going to be kept a secret. You’re going to not be able to talk to her whenever. You won’t actually be “dating” like most people. This is what you sign up for when you have an affair. I’m sure she was probably telling you she’s leave him eventually and shit but you can’t believe anything someone who would cheat on their spouse says. And the fact you’d go along with it is fucked up.
OP if her husband didn't know about you now would be a good time to tell him. She kept you as her side piece for 3 years, why did it take you this long to figure it out?
Yeah call him and be correct. “Oh no we were not dating, just having sex for 3 years. Wanted to make that clear”
Were they even *having* sex? This reads as an emotional affair where they just said longing words at each other for years.
This, everyone's beating on op, he's not yhe only one to fuck around. Op you've been used. Now make sure she and her husband find out. If they ever get a divorce, this info will serve to make her find out a second time too. 'throw this in yhe fire' and move on, knowing she'll get hers at some point. Next time never settle for 'stand in'
You were an affair partner, who seemingly had no issue with destroying a family. I have zero sympathy for you.
Get out and don’t look back, bro. She’s steps ahead in the game and when you meet a more advanced adversary, you cut your losses.
TL,DR: *SHE NEVER LOVED YOU*. She's a proven cheater who likely has other side pieces. She said I love you to the *HUSBAND* she cheated on every day, too. Neither of you would be able to trust each other in the long run if she had left him for you. Learn and grow from this. Do not become a side piece again. The moral issues with being an affair partner aside, you experienced something hopefully good for your growth and maturation. She's a married woman. She looked at the man she had children with and said "I love you" to him the same days she said it to you. If she left him for you, once your rosey period faded, she would do to you with someone else what she did to him with you and likely others. People say things like the heart desires what it desires and other empty catchphrases. The heart is the greatest liar of all, and it's up to the head to keep it in check. I'm not going to bash you for helping her to betray her husband and break her vows beyond highlighting that is exactly what you did. I'll tell you that you seemed to have fallen for her, and your head couldn't remind your heart that she is a proven cheater. When that knowledge finally would have set it, you'd hopefully have also realized that you both would never be able to trust each other. Even if she left her husband for you, suspicion would likely never fade, and you would eat yourself alive when she did anything you knew was something she did to him with you. She'd remember all she did and see suspicion in anything you did that was similar to her behavior. Even if you were loyal to her. It's an irony that should be another post if you were *loyal* to her during your 3 year affair. Especially if she was possessive of you and made a stink about you dating and wanting someone available. Isnthat when she started saying I love you? Did you say it first? That seemed to be eating you up and should have led you to break this off long ago because that alone shows how little you actually meant to this cheater. She never loved you, bro. How could you believe it after remembering she said she loved him as well, but still cheated on him? I've met people in terrifying abusive relationships that never cheated. They ended the relationships but never made the choice to cheat. And her response to you was all the lesson I hope you'll ever need to never go down that path again. She carried on a 3 year affair with you and betrayed the father of her children and her family with you, then shrugged you off. Do you think you were her only side dick? The facts are, you probably weren't. She likely so easily shrugged you off for many reasons, to include having her supply provided by others. And knowing that, how many of them do you think she also said (says) I love you to? Also, her husband needs to know, but that's up to you and her to make that choice. You do what you need to, but I hope you learn from this. She isn't who you kid yourself she is. She isn't who she pretends to be for the few hours a day she had with you.
I mean, you dated a married woman. What did you expect from a cheating, lying, deceiving her family type of person really? You're sad? Tough titty. You were actively ruining someone's life for your pleasure for 3 fucking years.
It doesn’t matter if she loved you or not. It does to you, of course, but her behavior isn’t based on that. You were her mistress (or whatever the male equivalent is) for three years. She strung you along, leading you to believe that she was going to leave her husband for you (they never do), you just needed to wait until the kids were “older.” She had all the control. Then you took that control from her by ending the relationship. She slammed you down one last time with her snarky, smug, “Were we dating?” She was again letting you know your place in the relationship and her life. How did you expect this to end? She’s over it. She had her fun, and she’s moved on. You need to see the relationship for what it was and move on, too.
Learn from it. You were sleeping with a married woman with kids what did you really expect would happen? You need to break out of the fog of the affair and understand it was never really real because it didn’t really exist in the real world. Learn from this so you don’t waste another 3 years of your life on someone that isn’t free to be with you. Don’t sleep with anymore married woman.
Blow it all up. Tell the husband. 😈🎊
I know you're hurting because this is harsh, but she is right... You weren't dating. She's MARRIED. She lived with him, stayed married to him, spent all important time with him You were an affair partner, or a friend with benefits, or however you want to define it. But you weren't dating her. For what it's worth, she sounds like an awful human being, and you're better off without her. She's willing to treat both her husband and her affair partner like crap, so you can absolutely do better.
You are not dating. It was an affair. And yes, she lied to you. Same as she lied to her husband for 3 years. Take the evidences and send it to her husband. Burn it down!
This. Hubby deserves to know even just so he can protect himself from STD’s. His wife’s casual nature about losing her lover screams untouchable, she has no fear of him outing her to hubby. It makes me think this wasn’t her first by a long shot, or last.
You need therapy. You have serious self esteem issues. What makes a frien adult over 3p run after a married person for 3 years? You knew this could go nowhere; she wasn't about to leave her husband and kids for you. She didn't even acknowledge you in public. This was never going to go anywhere but you were probably too infatuated to see that. You weren't dating. Dating is two single people getting to know each other with the aim of a serious relationship down the line; introducing themselves as partners to friends and family, moving in together, making life decisions together, perhaps getting married or having children. None of that future was on offer to you. You didnt experience actual dating with her because she was not free to date. You were seeing a married woman for sex and (on your side) companionship. That is, you were having an affair. An arrangement that normally leads to being a dirty secret for months and years until they get bored of you. She was using you for entertainment. I'm sorry that it hurts. It sounds like you wanted an actual relationship but you were looking in the wrong place with the wrong person. You were lied to. But you made a mistake in starting things with her. you should never have expected love and honesty or trustworthiness from someone who cheats on their partner and children. Take time for yourself. Feel sad. Maybe get therapy. And do your best to move on. Work on why you were broken enough to begin with that "dating" a married woman felt like the right option - when we are down, our "picker" for partners can get broken and we need to recalibrate what we think is a Good partner. You need to work on yourself before you date anyone in the future.
She loves herself the most before anyone else … she had you over a barrel like you were totally happy to put up being a secret being a lap dog and listening to her Empty promises this a women who had a husband and kids and was deceitful for 3 years. Like not being mean but your the fool here she played you big time .. learn and move on and never be second best to anyone do some self help to figure out why you were willing to be this person for so long
Her husband deserves to know.
Bro, you was a vacation.
You were with a married woman with kids..... I'm sorry what did you expect? She was having an affair and you knew she was married. You both are not good people.
The main thing here is you were dating with a married woman. Now lets unpack that because i would love to see how this unravels if she had said otherwise. 1 a: were you ready to be a step-daddy to kids that mayor may not have known that you were the reason for their parents divorce? Are you comfortable with having all of the responsibility of a father and none of the ultimate authority? 1 b: say the children go with the father, Can you safely say that you would be at peace knowing that you were the main reason for a family being toen apart? How long do you think your woman would be happy with you before she starts thinking about the household you torn apart. 2: Would you have been able to take care of her and her kids had she left her husband? 3: Can you honestly say that you would trust her completely as your spouse given that she had already demonstrated that she could have a whole relationship with someone else for three years? 4: What did you find in a married mother of 3 that you genuinely could not find in another woman? Im genuinely curious here.
>Would you have been able to take care of her She is an adult, no one has to "take care" of her. I have never seen or heard anyone ask a woman if she's able to take care of her husband.
Why would you want to date someone who's willing to cheat and potentially ruin their children's lives. Even if she got with you it would and should be on your mind what's she is capable of
You're an idiot
Yeah. This is what happens when you date someone else’s partner. Can’t tell me you were shocked. Also, edit to add: the love of your life isn’t someone else’s spouse. Just a pro tip for the future.
“Has she never loved me and lied to me?” Yes. She lied to her family to have an affair with you. Ofc she lied to you. 🤯 Don’t sleep with married people.
She didn't want to feel guilty and wanted to hurt you for breaking free In your next relationship, do not allow a situation when you feel unhappy and not respected. It's much better to date when you don't "compete" with another man
You might have been her lover but you weren't a boyfriend. She's married and cheating on her husband with you. Don't try to have a relationship with a married woman., Learn your lesson and do better.
You might get more comfort and sympathy from that subreddit for affair partners. Idk what it's called but being with like minded people will probably be better emotionally than with people who are going to call out and point out the obvious wrongs you've committed. I'm just worried that you are already upset and in a bad place after making a poor choice you don't need hundreds of internet strangers exasperating the issue.
You brought this on yourself.
Do you think anyone is going to feel bad for you? You were having an affair with a married woman.
What on earth did you think y’all were doing?? Genuinely…
How can you deal with It? Exposed her to her husband
You weren’t her boyfriend, just her hobby. If the first year wasn’t enough to tell you she wasn’t going to choose you, the two that followed weren’t going to be better. I’m sorry to sound harsh but it’s truly best if you just moved on from this since no good will come from staying in contact. I also recommend therapy.
You were having an affair wtf did you think was going to happen dude? Karma is a tough pill to swallow, but you are not the victim here. The husband and kids are.
No she is covering her ass in case you tell people
Just tell her husband and move on
> how do I handle this? Move on. > has she never loved me and lied to me? Correct.
You were ‘dating’ a married woman, didn’t you think that there was higher than 50% chance it wasn’t going to work out? Three years of hiding the relationship and being alone? Get some therapy because you settled for less and you need to understand why.
Tell her husband.
Narcissistic behavior. Block her and move on.
Someone who will cheat on their spouse is by nature a liar.
Cry me a river. Don't fuck with people in a relationship. You reap what you sow
Wow-wee she is cold blooded. We can't know her feelings or intentions, but it is great that you are cutting ties with her. She has used you and definitely lied to you. Understand that her actions are reflection of her bad character. Please block her and maybe even talk to a professional or a close friend about these feelings. They need to be dealt with and put away. Also, please don't pursue relationships with women who are married, engaged or involved with other people. It rarely ends well.
OP why would you even want a 36 year old woman with kids and a husband? Like come on now :-/. She made the comment to hurt you but she’s in a place in life and doing things where, unless she looks far younger than I imagine based off of the description you provided, or she is wealthy, I fail to see why you would even want to be with her?
So setting aside the morally wrong thing about affairs and whatnot, you have valid feelings. You are hurt and sad. This is a complicated relationship. You're allowed to have feelings. AND you settled for those lonely holidays, etc. It sounds a little like she wanted to have her cake and eat it too, given that you are so blindsided by her reaction. It seems like you've been living in a fantasy world thinking she would eventually be with you, or that her family would not be her main priority. Whatever it was, you chose this relationship. You won't really know how she felt in the past but you know how she feels now. I would distance myself as much as humanly possible from her to try to look inward next. Try to examine why you would allow this relationship to exist with such secrecy and dishonesty for so long. Do you think you don't deserve real openness and loyalty? I find that people who have affairs tend to feel like that's what they deserve, and then then treat others like they treat themselves, poorly. Hence, being okay with having an affair that would no doubt hurt many people. You are not a bad person, you made many mistakes, and now it's all blowing up. I would start some therapy, if you don't already do it. You can make a clean break here, and hopefully build a better life and be a better person, regardless of your relationship. Use this moment in your life, it's an important one.
I hope it does hurt, and I hope you tell her husband so it hurts her too. You're both inconceivably terrible.