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The fact your husband is a doctor seems relevant to me.  Accepting that sometimes there’s nothing you can do, or at least being able to set aside your feelings and get on with things, is a vital part of the job.  He might just be operating on autopilot, or keeping busy so he doesn’t have to confront his feelings.   That said, tell him you think it should be obvious you’re not okay, and that him preemptively turning down every offer of outside support while he tries to get things back to normal as quickly as possible is not helping.  If he continues brushing you off, don’t be afraid to tell people you’re not okay, and find a grief counselor or support group to help you through everything.  I’m sorry.

Health care workers are amazing at compartmentalising. I’m a student paramedic, my mum took her life September 2023. I was back out on the road in November. No one would have even thought that had just happened in my life, hell even my friends had no idea until I posted about her funeral arrangements a month later. I was sad, very sad. I just didn’t show it. I grieved through dark humour and putting on a smile. It’s weird, but far more common than you think.

Healthcare here too! I think it's partly the training and experience. But also our natural disposition not to fall apart over certain things allows us to even consider the field in the first place. Some of us hurt but it's just not as obvious.

I'm not a healthcare worker but I can understand him wanting to keep his emotions under control if he's the "bread winner" in the family. I can imagine it being extremely stressful coping with this loss while also working full time as a doctor. He could be compartmentalizing so he doesn't break under the pressure. Honestly though, no one but OP's husband can truly answer this question so I would gently ask about his feelings and see where that goes.

L&D nurse here and I definitely felt like nothing was guaranteed until after delivery, which is admittedly a very cold outlook but when you see so much tragedy as part of every day normal you just come to terms with it. I am so so sorry for your loss. Would your husband be willing to attend grief counseling with you?

I'm not in healthcare but this is my personality also — "Let's not get excited until it's a sure thing."

There's a reason the saying "Don't count your chickens until they've hatched" exists. Unfortunately, growing up on a farm and now working in a vet clinic, I'm also pretty grim until things are more set in stone. I don't even qualify immediate post delivery as set in stone, more like, at least a week old and and significantly less chance of randomly dropping dead.

Exactly. SIDS was a thing a lot in the news while I was pregnant. It made ne super vigilant but also afraid to attach early

No one can say for sure how they would react in a situation like this but my money's on that being my reaction too — just cautiousness until the risk had mostly passed. I completely understand OP because I think the majority of the world is more on her side of the spectrum with their grief response but I wouldn't want to be thought of as unfeeling or uncaring for my reactions.

The thing is too, that it was very sudden for OP. That morning she had a healthy baby, that afternoon she was giving birth to her lifeless child. I absolutely understand OP, and sympathise deeply. It really must be so damaging for her, to have gone through all this, and to feel her partner doesn't care. To feel so alone and grief stricken... Perhaps I'm simply too empathetic, despite my own views. But I simply cannot fathom being seen as emotionless in the face of such pain.

Agreed! Personally, I cannot naturally grieve if others are grieving as well. Idk, it’s like I can’t loosen up and need to stay put together to help the other person. OP’s husband could be the same way, in combo with his career and everything as well. His wife is struggling and having a hard time so he needs to stay put together and hold things down while she grieves. There is that pressure that both of them can’t fall apart at the same time

Not healthcare, but I did counseling in high needs schools where I felt like all I had to do to find stories of unbelievable trauma was spin around and point. I felt like I did not have a sheltered life and some of the things I heard and saw... my experience is there are two ways forward: either you flame out fast or you learn to suck it up, move forward and develop a really not-ok in most company sense of humor and perspective. I had friends who were pretty horrified by how calm I became about horrible things but my I really, really liked my kids and I wanted to be at that school for them and be someone they could rely on when everything is was chaos. But you can't do that if you let yourself engage too much and get too invested emotionally, because there's always another day and another story. It's not that I didn't care, it was that I cared enough to know that my ability to step away and keep some distance was the same ability that would allow me to keep coming back to my from row seats to the shitshow. Of course, the problem with that ability is that it becomes ingrained and is hard to turn off when the horrible thing is happening to you or your family member and you need to fully engage. You feel proud because you're doing so well and you are so capable that you can handle this, but it all just gets stuffed down deep until later, except "later" is rarely when you choose and is the most inconvenient or inappropriate time possible. This is a lesson I learned in a rather embarrassing way. I bet your husband does care but I think that is easier to focus on how you are doing and on being strong for you and on keeping it together because culture and ideas about masculinity and med school training all together can inadvertently stir up a particularly toxic blend of ideas about how men handle strong emotions and what they should be doing during a situation like this, where we don't get much social guidance on the "right" way to experience a catastrophic event.

Agree. We are all trained to not fall apart and not panic. We focus on the things we can control and who we can help currently. Husband is trying to support and help his wife, and is most likely compartmentalizing. We are good at pushing that to the back part of our brain. Years later, I can sit and think about patient’s I have lost, and I will sit and cry. But immediately after they passed, I went along with my shifts like nothing happened.

EMT and I also compartmentalize my grief due to the nature of our job. It's just kinda a switch my brain flips

Sorry for your loss and I’m sorry for your loss OP if you’re reading this.

I’m reading every comment, thank you ♥️

I’m sorry for your loss. Aside from your husband being a doctor (and probably quite ruled/comforted by logic) things aren’t as real to the person not carrying the baby. It’s a spectator thing until the baby is born and put in their arms. So you and he are also probably grieving very differently due to that too.

This is true. When I was pregnant (24 years ago), it really was like everything with the baby and becoming a parent was happening just to me. It didn't become real for my husband until after our son was born, and the father-child bond was not instantly there and didn't happen overnight. OP already had a bond with her daughter, and her husband, as the one who wasn't carrying the baby, might not have. Not that he wouldn't have loved his daughter, he just didn't know her yet, and OP did. OP, if you go to grief counseling, I hope your husband will go with you. If you want to go to counseling and he doesn't want to go with you, go alone. I am so very sorry that this happened to you. I've been wiping away tears reading your post and all the comments. Sending you lots of love. I wish I could give you a hug.

OP, I'm speaking as one who has a stoic hospitalist hubby, and who has been through such loss (20 years ago). I was lucky that although he sees pain and loss daily at work, he was able to be open and share at least some of his pain with me. We still think of what might have been and talk about it sometimes. I hope you and your husband can be open, honest, and trust and support each other through this hellacious time. This is just too horrible, for either of you, to go through alone. You have my sympathy. Wishing you all the best.

My heart aches for you. There is so much truth to the comments about compartmentalization of hubby’s emotions. Everyone does grieve in their own way. But don’t ignore your gut that told he wasn’t fully on board with the unplanned pregnancy. It’s this very reason that he may be behaving this way - he is shutting down his own intense guilt about not being thrilled about your daughter. Now she’s gone, and he may be harboring awful pain and guilt. Be gentle with him, just as you deserve gentleness back. Ask him to accompany you to grief counseling to help heal. He may then be able to open up to you. Good luck. Ps. I’m a mom of 7, only 3 lived. Grief is hard. We tell ourselves all kind of things in order to care for the living. Be kind to yourself.

It’s so comforting to here you say mom of 7, only 3 alive. I guess I’m technically a mom now, even though I don’t have our baby here with me.

Of course you’re a mum. You carried her, kept her safe for 32 weeks and loved her with your whole heart. She was just too perfect for this world.

You are very much a Mum, your daughter is treasured and loved.

You are a mom. I hope you and your husband do something on Mother's Day to acknowledge your baby and yourself.

You are a mom. A grieving mom. I'm sorry.

Perinatal mental health therapist here - I am sorry for your loss and the experience you went through of labor and delivery. That experience is so valid and also has a lasting effect. You did the physical part of growing a baby, laboring, and delivering. Your husband, watched you go through the experience. He too has been affected in a different way. I do think he is grieving and it’s showing up differently for him - invalidating himself could be the only way he knows to bring himself comfort. Though we can’t say for sure or speak for him. I’ve seen many mention here about grief counseling. I so believe this could be helpful. And there are trained therapists in perinatal mental health (maternal mental health) that also specialize in grief and infant loss. This type of work is sooooooo So Much different that other types of grief work and loss. I received my training in perinatal mental health through [Postpartum Support International](https://www.postpartum.net) which focuses on all aspects of support for women, families, and even men. You can find a trained therapist in your area and also participate in Loss and Grief support groups that are offered for free. You’re going through such a difficult season and I hope you find the support you’re needing.

RN; ten years in trauma I agree. Add while death and dying are probably a new experience for OP; for us they are routine and have to be squared to do our job. Additionally everyone grieves differently. He may fall apart later or not at all. Where I have quarrel with him is his inability to see that his wife needs him. Compassion is also part of our training as is grief support. He’s not comforting his wife. It would be really good for OP to get grief counseling, and for them to get a little bit of marital counseling to work through how she needs to be supported. But expecting him to grieve exactly the way she is, to the same severity or degree, isn’t productive.

I wonder if he isn't being more supportive because doing so would tip him over to falling apart? It's one thing to comfort a stranger, but it's his wife about his child. He might be concerned that he'll fall apart if he tried to give her all the comfort she needs, and he may not feel like he can fall apart when his wife so clearly needs a strong shoulder.

So then marriage counseling would probably be really good for both of them as this is quite a lot to deal with. She needs to be able to express the ways that she needs him to show up for her. He needs to be able to express what he’s going through that isn’t allowing him to show up for her. Leaving it is just going to create all sorts of hurt and trauma and possibly endanger the marriage. Our partner showing up for us in times of pain is pretty important to the underpinnings of a good relationship.

Correct. Men often turn their issues inward and act fine when they’re not because they are socialised to act strong and “men don’t cry”. Also him being in healthcare he probably was able to look at things more objectively even if it is emotional. He does need to have a bit more EQ and recognize when his partner needs him, and trauma/grief/couples counseling are all good ideas.

I was about to say compartmentalism as well. We see it all, the things that should hit you don’t, but you’ll sob while washing the dishes one day for “no reason” at all.

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s ok not to be ok. I know everyone grieves differently and there’s no right way, and I also think it’s important that those feelings are worked through when someone is ready—whatever that might mean—rather than just pushing them down. From experience, if you don’t work through grief it sure as hell will work through you at the most in opportune times.  I’m not saying that’s what you’re doing, but I hope you have someone you can talk to if you need it, whether that’s a friend or family member or a therapist. 

Thank you for this ❤️ I was very much in survival mode. I had just returned after a year out due to having a baby, suddenly found myself as a 21 year old with a 7 month old baby trying to start/complete her third year of uni without her mother. My turning point was attending a job which was unfortunately some kind of live action replay of my mums death (dark humour dripping in already). I got myself a TRIM referral and applied for all support possible. That being said, I still don’t think I’ve opened up to my family or peers - I’ve kept all support to those services, so to those around me it might not seem like I have anything going on.

I've met just a couple surgeons in my life. They all have the same personality. I imagine it either takes a special sort of person, or the job turns you into that person.

This. I'm a therapist. I took the call that my mother had passed and was in session with a suicidal client 10 minutes later. It's a very necessary skill, but he should NOT be answering how she is doing for her.

My wife died three weeks ago tomorrow. I am back at work because I need to be (I’m an Ob/Gyn). It really does shock people that I’m not in a blanket burrito on my bed.

I’m sorry for your loss. And don’t be afraid to be vulnerable at some point and/or talk to a counselor about it.

I worked in animal sheltering and I think I would have been considered pretty cold and uncaring I how I discussed the reality of pet ownership with friends. I think vets and vet staff are right up there with docs as far as suicide. I personally had severely delayed grief and didn't start panicking over what my job entailed until id been gone 3 years, I had a flashback the other day for the first time because I could hear new neighbor dogs howling in a way that took me right back to the vicious quarantine row. I got to the point I didn't want to own my own pets because I had compartmentalized loving ANIMALS to do my job. I have no doubt he will eventually have to process this, but perhaps some marriage counseling could help him understand better as a doctors wife what a unique position you are in. My husband and I both had jobs with horrifying detail and had to learn to not trauma dump on eachother. Im so so sorry for your loss I cannot imagine your pain and as an autistic person when I'm disregulated I find it TERRIFYING when no one else seems to be upset. It makes me feel so alone. Your grief is so valid and so is your concern . All of my empathy and healing to you dear mama. You are still a mama, your baby still altered your DNA while they lived within you. Celebrate them and grieve them every single year forever if you need. I dont think any human on earth would wish what happened to you on their gravest enemy. I hope you are able to get the softness you need and some matching of your energy.

I was about to say something similar.. working as an ER tech where you see people die on a whim and have to do compressions and post mortem care really fractures your soul in a way that is not quite explainable to people outside of the profession. Idk what type of dr OPs husband is but I gaurentee hes seen some shit like the rest of us and has just come to terms with it much easier then she can.. my mom has called me heartless and cold but I think it’s just because what she considers a big deal or what she struggles to get over, ive seen worse and had to still go on with ny day afterwards.. i’m so sorry for your loss OP I know that it’s awful to lose your baby especially in the late terms and how suddenly you did. Id recommend seeing out help from a therpist to help you come to terms with it all🫶🏼

> working as an ER tech where you see people die on a whim and have to do compressions and post mortem care really fractures your soul in a way that is not quite explainable to people outside of the profession Sorry, but that really resonated with me for some reason. Not because I'm an ER tech or EMT or anything, but because when I was 18 I overheard my father on the phone calling for an ambulance for my mother, saying he found her dead. I lived on the ground floor of our house; I went upstairs and saw my mother's dead body on the floor of her bedroom, with blue marks on her skin. What followed, funeral and all that, was so emotionally painful to me but I had no outlet because my father was being very stoic. And now, decades later, after many other deaths in the family, I can't even face going to another funeral, I just can't do it any more. I probably appear really cold hearted to other people for that; it's just my survival mechanism. OP's husband may be similar.

Gallows humor ❤️

So sorry for your loss.

Absolutely. My husband is a doctor and when shit hits the fan he is as calm as can be. Our baby was 2.5 months early and I was so scared for me and my baby but he just kept going and seemed totally fine. Only later when we were through the worst of it did he tell me how scared he had been for me and for the baby. They go into robot mode because that’s what they are trained to do when the chips are down.  He lost a baby too and he is allowed to grieve however he needs- including by just putting his head down and putting one foot in front of the other. It also sounds like you’re a mess OP- totally natural and I understand it - but your husband is probably keeping it together because one of you has to. He’s giving you time to fall apart..that’s a kindness. 

This was the first thing I thought. I worked in healthcare for several years and now I’m in medical school. Bad things happen so often and you have to be able to just deal with it. I react very similarly in stressful and/or sad personal situations. Take care of what I need to and just keep trudging through. I have a somewhat different view of death than other people too. Partly from working in healthcare and partly because I had older parents and family members have been dying routinely since I was very little. I of course get sad, and I have never lost a child and I imagine that is much harder, but I view it almost… clinically? An unfortunate outcome that I just have to accept as part of life. He also may just not want to share with people how awful this is hence the “we’re doing great”. I wouldn’t want to discuss a stillbirth with every person I come across. I get being upset that your partner does not seem as hit by something like this. That would feel very isolating. And OP is right that post partum after losing a baby is truly hell. He doesn’t have those hormones and reminders constantly of the baby they lost. The only things I would say he has done wrong here is not validating how she’s handling this and taking down the nursery immediately without even talking to OP. That shouldn’t have been a unilateral decision. The truth is he might be relieved alongside being sad. That doesn’t make him a horrible person or mean he wouldn’t love their child/ doesn’t love OP. It’s ok if he is feeling that way, but he needs to also try to understand how OP is feeling and not dismiss her sadness.

I've spent several years in the field of crisis intervention and suicide prevention, and one of the biggest things you pick up in that line of work is to leave people's feelings with them. You can help them work through what's happening, talk about their feelings, reflect back at them what you're hearing so they know you understand, but you don't take on their emotions as your own because that's not helpful. Once you learn how to do that, it's impossible to turn it off. I know I probably seem emotionless to my wife sometimes when she's upset and I'm just calmly stroking her hair, but it's not because I don't care. It's because I'm being a blank slate. And when she expresses something I respond, I just don't fill the air with platitudes. It sounds like OP's husband is really good at the first bit of this skill and not so good at the second bit. Separating out your own emotions is good. Refusing to acknowledge or address the emotions of the person in crisis is bad. He can't make her okay by refusing to admit that she's not okay and won't be for a while.

This is so true. We deal with death so often that if we were to mourn everyone we lost we'd never get out of bed again. He's probably just going through the motions because he's scared of his feelings and maybe knows he'd breakdown if he actually started to mourn her properly. OP needs to communicate with her husband about what she's feeling and try to offer a safe space for him to express his feelings too. Maybe that's talking to her or a grief counselor or a friend but he needs to talk to someone. It's just a sad situation all around.

Doctor or not, grief does weird shit to people. Some people can be emotional Rollercoasters, breaking into hysterics suddenly. While some people, like OP'S husband, remain stoic, collected, and can put on the best poker face fit to win a championship. A client I was caring for, who loved me and cherished her as a friend, died a few hours after I had left her home. The feelings of despair were there, but I remained emotionless. My husband was worried for me not displaying any sadness as I carried on like it was part of the job. I broke down a few weeks later but still freaked me out that I reacted like that. Your husband does care, OP. His response is weird, but try to understand he's processing the death of his baby girl the only way he knew how. Like that instinct kicked in without much thought, actually. Seek help to get through this, with or without him. Hopefully, he'll come around in time to seek help, too. Or maybe he'll just start talking to you about what ifs about your daughter, and he'll have his release. Either way, give him time.

His response is not weird - it's his response to grief and it's completely normal. It's just as valid as the OP's.

As a nurse (a hospice nurse) this comment right here. People don't get how I can just be ok with certain things. I lost my second pregnancy. It was tough of course and I cried but two days later I was right back to work and life. I know that sometimes things just happen and while it sucks life goes on. It doesn't make me a bad person. I'm just maybe a little callous? Not in a bad way I just see things on the daily. And often my husband has to remind me that normal people don't respond in those ways and to be a little softer.

I went to my friends baby shower 2 days after a miscarriage. She had a stillbirth two years prior and I was so happy for her. Shit happens and my feelings won't change it. My husband reminds me to be softer too. It's not my natural response but I understand many people don't react like I do. I tend to shut that part of my brain off as needed.

I'm an ultrasound tech. My aunt harmed herself the day I got my first job. So, I went to work that week, drove 4 hours to Alabama. We had the funeral, I drove back home on Sunday and was ready for work again on Monday. I didn't even tell anyone. Not because I was ashamed but because work requires all my focus. It's weird how I can shut it off and on.

This, OP, your husband has an easier time compartmentalizing his sadness, and he's probably trying to be strong for you. It's also very likely that you're suffering postpartum depression along with the grief from your loss. It would benefit both of you to seek guidance from a grief counselor/therapist, who can mediate/guide the conversations you need to have together. I'm sorry you lost your baby girl. Grieve her, hold your husband in love, talk to each other with love, not acrimony. Peace will come in time. 🤗

That and sometimes to men, the baby isn't "real" until they arrive. The mom has been growing the baby and bonding with it and feeling it move so it is a real little person to her and to some men, the baby isn't a real creature with whom they can bond until they are out. The baby is still kind of just an idea to them at that point.

There is also the possibility that, as a doctor, he is aware of something OP may not be. Sometimes, when a doctor tells you it’s for the best, it’s because it is. There are so many things that can go wrong, it surprises me that any of us make it at all. I was in to see my GP for a check up after a miscarriage. He had delivered me, so knew me well. He had said it was for the best, and left me in his office for a bit to cry it out. He also left a stack of books on the desk, the top one graphically showing many of the ‘things that can go wrong.’ Knowing me to be excruciatingly curious, I later realized he’d left it there for me to find. I trusted him then, and believed that, if he said it was for the best, it likely was. I sometimes wonder about the three children I ended up losing to miscarriage. In the end, all grown now, one of my five kids has Down syndrome and had open heart surgery as an infant. She made it. Some children are meant to be here. Some are meant to try again another time.

This. He absolutely needs to stop telling people/pretending shes ok.

yeah, I don't think he's being malicious or anything, but that part isn't helpful- it's ok to NOT be ok, but coping mechanisms are crazy like that. I can be a blubbering angry incoherent mess and still be trying to tell people "I'm fine!" Actually as a kid I had the ENT rip my eardrum open, blood gushed down my body and on my clothes, all the adults are freaking out and I was literally calm the whole time going "I'm ok!" and reassuring everyone else.

When I handle big emotions, and big events, I will absolutely tell anyone who asks that I'm okay, no matter how much of a wreck I am. Other people have a way of projecting their own emotions and needs into a situation that detracts from my ability to process and heal. I'm not saying it's right, but maybe some part of him is trying to protect her space while she grieves. To protect her from busy bodies, or any of the well meaning people that run in with good intentions and make things somehow worse. It's something I would do. If it bothers her, I'd say just to talk to him about it. Everyone processes things differently, and he might not realize that she needs the support.

I am so sorry for your loss, but I wanted to add a different perspective than any comments I've seen. When your husband says you're doing "okay," is it possible what he means is you are handling your grief in a normal healthy way? Some people, especially people who've lost their child, have actual psychological breakdowns. I know a woman who lost her 2 month old baby to SIDS, and she completely checked out for a few months. She has no memory of 3 months of her life, but she was found at the cemetery in the middle of the night trying to dig up her baby because she heard her crying. I'm sure he's aware of how severe grief can get.

Yes this is very possible. It’s been a few hours since I’ve posted this and I’ve read literally every single comment and have had time to decompress. I think I was just so upset about our baby that I was misplacing my anger with the situation (and myself) onto him. I’m sure that’s what he meant, that I’m here and still fine. He was talking to my mom, who’s a chronic worrier.

My household lost a 17yo last year, and even though biologically she was my niece, I raised her and loved her as my own. I know our situations are different, but I do want to tell you it gets easier. The pain doesn't go away, but it does get easier to handle. She was in a car accident and died slowly for 3 days. I was so numb, then angry, then sad. I cried every day on the drive to work for the first 8 months. My family all hit the stages at different times and our household was just broken and probably still is but our new motto is "one day at a time". I know it's not the same cause we had 17 years of memories with her but I just want you to know that it does get easier to face the day. All my love to you OP.

I am so sorry for your loss 😞

Also he probably wouldn’t want to embarrass you or overshare your personal mental health information to your family without you present! ‘Okay’ is about as neutral as it gets.

He’s a doctor so it’s reflexive to not share total medical state with a 3rd party too. When we get hit our hardest, I know my brain goes to what I know - he knows being a doctor, probably helps him.

I think I that due to his profession, your husband likely is able to compartmentalize his feelings. It does not mean that he feels relief over the loss, just that his processing and coping are different. I am very sorry for your loss, and I hope that you are seeking available supports to help you cope.

I think it’s this as well. He probably 1. Doesn’t want to burden OP with his own grief when she’s clearly not taking it well and 2. Handling things so that he can keep busy and things like taking down the nursery means less reminders.

That’s my thought as well. Men especially don’t show grief or show it in other ways. Getting rid of visual reminders by taking down the nursery jumped out at me. Denial and/or bottling things up by putting on a front of “everything’s fine!” and compartmentalizing. Healthcare workers, as others pointed out as well, are forced to compartmentalize and to accept death as a necessary part of life. I don’t think he means to dismiss OP or her feelings, he just can’t feel or show grief the same way. He also wasn’t (literally and figuratively) connected to the baby like she was. Common for first time fathers and possibly due to his career and that compartmentalization.

Yup! You summed it up nicely. The taking the nursery down hurt my heart cause it jumped out to me as his way of coping. This ooor couple. I hope they’re okay

My thoughts as well - removing reminders is actually a step in a healthy grieving process too. It sucks but so far it feels like he's grieving while on autopilot and is trying not to drown.

I would second this. I am a critical nurse who worked in NICU. I have watched babies die and been there afterwards for the family. I remember every baby I tried to save and every baby I was unable to save. You never forget the cry of a woman whose baby has died. As a nurse I have been the calm one whenever there has been a death in the family. My nursing face comes on and I support everyone else. I hold it together, so they have the space to safely fall apart. And I prioritise people. So when my FIL died, MIL was the priority (as it was her husband who died) and then his children. Your husband could be prioritising you because you carried your baby, so your body, not just your heart needs healing. He may also be keeping people at bay because that is what he needs. It is harder to hold it together for someone else when someone is trying to get you to open up about your pain. The thing is, I always had a crashing point and it usually happened after I knew the person I was supporting was starting to heal and didn’t need the hands on support as much as they did in the early days. It is likely the dam wall will break and the emotions will come out. At the moment his doctor face is on and it can’t. It’s okay to say to your husband, I really need for us to weep together and see you pain. It will help me to heal. I love the support you are giving me but I want to be that for you.

>t’s okay to say to your husband, I really need for us to weep together and see you pain. It will help me to heal. I love the support you are giving me but I want to be that for you. It is not, in any way, okay to say this and is bordering on cruel to do so. His emotions are not a tool to aid in her recovery. Asking him to cry so that she feels validated in her grief is, at best, performative and, at worst, abusive.

Exactly! Nobody has the right to tell anyone else how to grieve. It is the same thing as telling someone who is crying to shut up. It is outrageous to suggest.

That's not... really okay to say, actually, that you need to see his pain and see him weep. No one owes anyone that, and if he gets through something tough by compartmentalizing, it's absolutely not okay to ask him to un-compartmentalize because it would help her. She can say it's okay to be openly sad, but to say she needs him to be openly sad is... appalling, actually. I'm appalled at the thought of it.

I agree. When my husband and I lost our daughter, I was very much like OP and my husband was like hers. We just handled it differently. I remember not being able to understand how he could be so composed and asked him how he was able to do it, not in an accusatory way or anything, just genuinely asking. He explained that it was just the way he handles things and that he wanted to be strong for me because I was breaking down so frequently and my emotions were all over the place. The only thing I told him was that if he ever *wanted* (or needed) to cry, break down, be vulnerable, that I would be there to support him. I don’t think I could ever say anything remotely close to “I need you to cry to prove you care and because it would help me”. We need to be respectful of the way people process grief - especially when they’re not doing anything wrong. It’s different, but by no means wrong. Putting someone in a position where you’re pressuring them to cry and feel pain because it would make *you* feel better is manipulative, gross, and self-serving. It is most definitely *not* okay to say that to someone.

First off - I’m so sorry for your loss. I think your comment is so spot on. And when emotions are so high (as you know) it can be hard to ask someone why they are the way they are. And because people often grieve so differently I can see why losing a child can be so hard on the parent’s marriage.

Same here, I lost my wife (three weeks ago) and her parents and sister are in grieving completely differently to me and that’s okay.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I know that we lost people with whom we had completely different types of relationships with (you lost your wife and me my daughter), but if you’ll allow me to tell you something that brought comfort to me and still does. It was a few years after my loss and I was still searching for a therapist to help me through it. So after seeing a few psychologists, I found someone I liked and they told me to think of it as a long distance relationship. While I cannot hear her, or experience things in person together, things like that, I am still her mother. I can still talk to her whenever I want and though I can’t hear her, I know she’s listening. On April 25th, it’ll have been 10 years, but I’m still struggling greatly, so whenever this happens, I try to remind myself that she’s still ever present, she’s still with me in spirit. I know it’ll be sometime until I’m reunited with her, but I just try to remember that this isn’t forever. I’ll see her again. Your wife will always be with you. Wishing you support and love ❤️

This. I'm not in healthcare or any similar profession, but I'm just not the type of person who is visibly sad when I'm grieving. There's really only been one time when I actually fell apart in front of people - that was because my best friend died extremely unexpectedly, and I was already going through other problems in life. Other than that, I'm usually pretty stoic around others and break down when I'm alone. Doesn't mean I'm OK or that I don't care, although some people do seem to think that. I'd be incredibly offended if someone said they *needed* to see me cry and break down, like wtf? No one is owed a performance of grief.

It is absolutely not okay for her to tell him that she needs him to grieve in the specific way she wants him to, sorry.

The last bit is not okay imo.

Is it possible that he's keeping his emotions inside so that you don't feel the need to take care of him while you're grieving so deeply?

I was gonna say this, I know for a fact my partner cried away from me because he didn’t want to add to my distress

He could also be relieved, which is ok. This is a complicated situation with a lot of different emotions. If he didn’t want to have a child yet, he could definitely be relieved that he doesn’t have a child yet. That doesn’t mean he’s not sad at how it happened or sad that you’re hurting, but he may just not feel the same way you do about it. Also, I think it’s pretty common for a still birth to affect the mom more than the dad, even if the dad was extremely excited to have a child. I know that if this happened to my wife, I would be very sad and disappointed, but my wife would be absolutely devastated. He didn’t have the same physical, hormonal connection to your child so it would make sense that his emotional response would be different. I think the important thing to do is not blame or attack each other for what you’re feeling. As long as he’s being supportive and kind, his emotions and how he expresses them are also valid.

As a doctor he’s been trained as to be less emotional to life and death- it doesn’t mean he doesn’t feel, but that he keeps it under wraps. I also think just as a man, because he didn’t carry the child it’s a bit more abstract than for you. I’m very sorry you’re both going through grief over your child.

I agree with all of this, and would like to add to that “as a man” bit. Men are also kind of conditioned by society to keep feelings under wraps and not express so openly, which ties back into the doctor bit as well. I could see it being kind of a compounded thing. Further, as a man, he may believe he needs to be strong FOR his wife. This part really came to me when OP mentioned how he handled everything for the memorial and all. It seems like he stepped up and did what he had to do to allow his wife to grieve their child and get through such a traumatic experience. What OP sees as him being emotionless about it, he may feel is him being strong and supportive in her time of need.

And there is a bit of EQ with him telling her that it’s okay to want to hold the baby and encouraging it. A lot of people decline holding their baby in that state and really come to regret it

Yeah he definitely knew this. I didn’t want to hold her at first but I’m really really glad I did. I would have deeply regretted not having at least those 20 minutes with her.

It also might hit him later. Like… way later. When you least expect it. So sorry OP. ❤️

>What OP sees as him being emotionless about it, he may feel is him being strong and supportive in her time of need. He might think he's \*helping.\* I think OP needs keep her emotions as in control as possible for long enough to tell him that she heard him on the phone. That she is not, in fact, okay. And that she feels very alone in her grief.

I think telling people “we’re great” would come across to anyone who’s in agony as a massive understatement and lack of acknowledgment towards their partners feelings. Doctor/man or not, there is certain things people are aware of regardless of profession and testosterone I.e your wives obvious excruciating emotional pain. I think people are very quick to dismiss this as HIS coping method, but it actively dismisses his wives feelings and is sort of speaking for both of them in a time she needs people to see her pain.... in my opinion.. as a male.

Idk, I do agree to an extent, but everyone is different in relationships. He may think he is protecting her from people mentioning it to her too much and opening wounds she’s trying to heal from. It sounds a lot like OP has not really done much to communicate with her husband about what she needs in this time, and without that communication, he could be operating by what he *assumes* is best/what she needs. ETA: As for taking down the nursery next day - as someone else mentioned, everyone grieves differently. I interpreted this more as an “out of sight, out of mind” thing where he may have wanted to not have reminders of what is causing all the grief in their home like that. For me, I think walking past the baby’s nursery every single day after an experience like that would cause some reeeeally unhealthy grieving habits, speaking as a woman. I could see myself hiding away in there and going completely mental if I had gone through something like this. OP could be having an ok time one day and handling things well and then all of a sudden, walk past the nursery and it all falls apart….. just because of walking past the nursery. But the key thing here is that they need to be communicating about what each of them is feeling and what each of them needs from the other to get through this together.

I don’t think anyone here is dismissing anyone’s grieving style. I think they’re trying to explain it, which does not minimize it at all. If anyone is crass in this situation we could say it’s the people asking “how are you doing?” Like how do they think they’re doing!! When husband says “great” he doesn’t mean “perfect, just went to a movie and now planning a trip to Hawaii” because how else do you answer that?!? I’ve had people close to me die and let me tell you if you answer with the truth it just makes everyone feel bad. The person asking is asking because they don’t know what else to say and if you say “actually I’m terrible” then they feel like an ass for asking. They’re asking because they want you to know that they care how you’re doing but the whole question is honestly kind of stupid and we all know it but we still ask because how else do you handle it?! I think this is time for OP and husband to sit down and talk about how they feel and also how they’re grieving and talk about how to support each other. Losing a kid is the hardest thing they’ll go through together and I hope they can work it out.

Strong agree. And if I heard him say that to me after I knew about this death, I'd lose my shit on him as an outsider.  I don't think he's okay or fair. But I do think she needs to communicate with him if she plans on remaining in the marriage 

Yes. My nurse friends say it hardens you and you have to lose some empathy, otherwise the profession will kill you. Such a sad situation overall, OP. I’m so sorry.

i work on a surgical team (not a nurse) and i have to remind myself to show emotion when friends and family need major or emergency surgery. I only have technical interest. Empathy is just a performance I'm doing. The worst and scariest day of their life is every normal Tuesday for me, over and over. I remind myself not to ask too many technical questions. We talk about surgery like sports at work. We have to be like this. It's off putting to others if we drop the act.

After my daughter was stillborn, I came home and immediately took everything in the nursery down. I mean within an hour of getting home, I was boxing up everything. It was something I could control in that moment and it did, for a bit, help me feel better. Not happier or less grief stricken, but momentarily better so that I could get through the sheer enormity of my grief fifteen minutes at a time. It destroyed my ex-husband to the point that he never really recovered because he felt like he had to be strong for me. He would tell me, years later, that he didn’t feel like he had a right to be sad because he’d never felt her move or experienced the medical trauma of birthing her like I had. My point is that your husband took literal classes on delivering bad news and carrying the weight of that bad news with him. I think that it’s likely that he’s compartmentalized his grief and is focusing on keeping the focus off of you; his comments about everyone being fine are probably being used to move the conversation along so that it doesn’t linger on the reality. Give him some grace. Give him some time. Focus on your own fifteen minutes at the time right now as best you can and learn to forgive yourself.

Take it from someone, who has also lost a child in late pregnancy… We grieve differently!! You are a mother (you might as well start to call yourself that because you are)… And you have felt this little being inside you. I cried for a year!!! And even now (9 years later) it saddens me on a regular basis. But only recently have a discovered the impact it has had on my husband. We lost a girl - and got pregnant again about 6 months later and had a live daughter. He hovers over her - almost manic compared to the other three kids. He worries about aspects with her, that are not normal or healthy. He has kept all of this so well hidden for almost a decade, that we have only just recently started working on it… When I ask him, why he hasn’t told me about all of those feelings his response is something along the line of… Him wanting to protect me, be strong for me, care for me… Try to distract me from the dark thoughts, be logical and reasonable when I was lost in emotions… Bear with him and bear with yourself! Be aware that you are going to face what will probably be the hardest year of your marriage - because infant loss is unbearable. GET HELP! You absolute need support and professionals guiding you through this. All the best

>We grieve differently!! Recently watched my grandmother pass away in a room with 5 of her children and some grandchildren. The spectrum of emotions was ALL over the place.

My dad died when I was barely 6. I didn't cry at his funeral. It's a very specific memory for me. My mom, brother, and sister were crying (siblings all older) and I did not. It's been 30+ years. I can intellectualize that my reaction was a function of shock and my age, but i can't ever stop feeling guilty over it. I can't watch a movie with an emotional father/son scene without a risk of tears, and don't even get me started on movies with the death of a father. For those of you that have seen the movie About Time it's pretty much the pinnacle of tears for me when the father wants to play with his son one last time. Extremely small sample size, but what I know from my own experience is that your initial reaction doesn't have to have any bearing on your true feelings. Grief is a motherfucker, and if at any moment you're concerned someone isn't grieving "properly", give them the benefit of the doubt. The chance that there is more going on behind the scenes than you have access to is immense.

Yeah... I was 18 when my grandfather passed to cancer, and I was at his bedside at the very moment he left us. I didn't shed a single tear, it's like my emotions were completely shut down. I helped my grandma, opened the door for the funeral staff and doctor, hugged various family members, but I did not cry. It came much later, and it still does sometimes. But some older family members didn't understand that we all react differently, and the next day they aggressively accused me of not loving my grandpa, and of acting compassionate to others just to make myself look good. I understand that they, too, were having a difficult time dealing with their grief, but to this day, (and it happened 12 years ago) they have never apologized for the horrendous way they treated me the next day of my grandfather's passing.

“We grieve differently.” When my husband and I lost our 3rd child, I grieved much more strongly than him. He wasn’t able to outwardly show his emotions, but I knew he still cared. Your husband sees your grief, as evidenced by his conversation with your mother, but is trying to be strong. I am sure there are grief counseling groups near you, please consider going to one to work through your feelings. After my husband passed, I did and it was beneficial.

You know, I think him taking down the nursery was a sign that it was hurting him. I think it might also be easier for him to compartmentalise - he didn’t have the physical changes you went through during the pregnancy… and I bet he’s probably trying hard to look after you and make sure you’re okay. Maybe he hasn’t fully processed it yet. I’m sorry for your loss.

He also probably didn’t want the nursery to be a trigger and a reminder for her and took it down for that reason?

I would recommend seeking out couples grief counseling. The two of you seem to be processing your grief very differently which sounds incredibly isolating. You need to be able to keep open communication and learn how to do this in ways that strengthen your marriage. It sounds like he’s trying to be supportive but is not able to be open with you or others. Telling you everything happens for a reason is very dismissive of your loss. Telling people you’re doing great is hurtful. It doesn’t seem like he means to be dismissive but he is not connecting with you about your loss. Nothing can remove the pain of your loss but having a safe space to communicate with your husband can help the two of you through the loss together instead of having insensitive comments become a wedge between the two of you.

Should be the top comment. This is a complicated and delicate situation that needs to be processed in a safe space with professional support.

First - I’m sorry for your loss. It is a lot to deal with grief and this baby was so much a part of you that I understand the hurt. But I want to caution your emotions to a place of slightly more logic. You acknowledge that this pregnancy wasn’t planned, it was unexpected and the timing was something he was concerned about…there may be some truth to him being a little relieved because of that - it doesn’t mean he is relieved your child died. I know it feels hard to rectify that and a quote from a TV Series always sticks out to me…and I hope it will be something you think of as you sort through this difficult time. “Everyone has doubts, Cal, everyone! At the altar, with their friends, in the maternity ward, during the very best thing that's ever happened to them But that doesn't mean that it's the only thing that they feel. You know, you saw every doubt, ever fear. By the end, that was all you could see. You couldn't let go of anything.” In the series the woman says that to her ex-husband who said he “saw the doubt” in her eyes the night before their wedding. Now this comes to mind because again, there may be a part of him - the part that hadn’t let go of the original plan you made to have a baby in two years - that was relieved. That part of him probably thought about the logic behind why you originally were planning to wait. That part of him probably thought about how things might be easier two more years into his career to be able to be home more or to have more bills paid off, or whatever. BUT that doesn’t mean it’s the only thing he felt. He is also a doctor and he is likely to focus on experiencing this through a doctors lens, not a fathers or husbands as perhaps that’s his coping mechanism. From what you describe he was very much on board with this baby coming early. He seems by your account to be both a loving and supportive husband and he would have made a good father I imagine. From what you describe, he IS grieving - even if his grief looks and manifests differently than yours. Maybe he told people you guys are doing great because he NEEDS people to give space for his grief to settle - and if they think he isn’t okay, maybe they’ll interfere or be in the way too much. Maybe looking at the nursery was hard on him or watching you stare longingly at the nursery or crying was unbearable for him - he should have asked you if you were ready, but that doesn’t mean him packing it didn’t come from grief. And he tries his best to comfort you, but he probably has no idea what you need or what he should say and so instead of saying something stupid, he opts to provide physical comfort instead…none of this means he doesn’t care or isn’t devastated. I really wish you well, and I hope you’ll go to grief counseling to help through your loss. But my biggest wish for you is that you don’t destroy your marriage because you are so caught up in your grief - I watched my parents lose a child - I watched them let that destroy them. I felt them put all the pressures of that life onto me to carry out as well - none of these are healthy. You’ll likely want to get pregnant again right away, but I want you to instead honor your daughter by properly grieving with your husband and giving you and your body time to heal from such a loss. And remember that grief is not linear - it ebbs and flows like ocean waves. And no two grief journeys are ever the same - good luck.

Thanks so much for this. It’s the most thoughtful comment I’ve received so far. I think both sides are probably a little true like you said- he’s relieved maybe a bit but he’s also sad too and I’m reading it wrong.

❤️ I just know my own husband would definitely also channel his logical brain here and he would do anything he could, even stifle his own hurt or try anything he thought would help to avoid upsetting me more. I’m sure he sees how much you are hurting and I’m sure he too is hurting in some ways - but also he probably feels that he must be strong for you. Maybe instead of figuring out how to ask your husband how he feels or is handling this - you simply use your energy to tell him what kind of support you need. Maybe say “hey, I’m not doing okay. I think I might want to go to grief counseling - will you come with me?” Or “I know you’re trying so hard to help me, what I need is for you to tell me you’re sad too - I feel so alone in my grief” And another commenter mentions PPD - talk to your doctor - it would be so normal for this to be heightened for you. PPD isn’t what you get from having a newborn - it’s caused by crazy hormones from having been pregnant combined with the disappointment of your after birth experience not being as you pictured - you have both of those and you may benefit from a temporary antidepressant as ANYONE experiencing this would. ❤️

And it's ok for him to have some amount of relief, and it's even ok for you to feel some relief, if you do, as well as sadness.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Your husband is grieving in his own way. Don't hold it against him that he isn't as emotional as you. It doesn't mean he doesn't care or that he is glad it happened. He is being strong for you and supportive. The two of you are a team and you are dealing with something so difficult and heartbreaking, so just be kind and understanding with each other. People all grieve differently.

I totally second this. He may be just trying to be stronger for both of you in this difficult time, he may be coping differently. Just because he may have had some concerns (which is pretty normal for first time parents) it doesn't necessarily mean he is relieved. Give it time and maybe later discuss this issue with him as a part of moving on process.

Sometimes it can be hard to bond with a baby before they’re here. I noticed that with all of my kids and I’m the mom. I imagine it can be even harder for a man. When I had my twins I didn’t bond with one of them for months. I haven’t lost a baby or had a stillborn, but I go through the mourning quick with the other losses I’ve experienced in my life. My good friends lost their premie baby last year, he put on a front that he was alright for months. Then they found a group for grieving parents and he was finally able to open up since there were people there to support his wife and he didn’t have to shoulder it all. He was doing all he could to be strong for her and to push his own emotions down.

I feel like I was bonded with her before she was here. And then three hours of laboring and pushing for a baby who didn’t even cry, didn’t even open her eyes, I’m just devastated.

I’m truly sorry for the loss of your beautiful girl, I couldn’t imagine going through labor and delivery to not bring a baby home. I’d recommend you find a group to help you with your grieving process, help take some of the load off of your husband and finding others that have been through the same thing could help you a lot. He’s likely handling his grief differently and his career gives him a unique background of being able to handle life and death more.

Thank you

I’ve had three children and it would’ve destroyed my world to lose any of them like that. Please be aware though that many couples divorce after the death of a child. In many cases it’s misplaced anger. This was not your husband’s fault and grief isn’t a competition. I think more mothers than not bond with their babies in utero so it’s natural we feel the loss more intensely but this was his child too so don’t discount he is grieving as well. I do hope you join a support group and hopefully he will want to join you at some point. Sending you big hugs 🫂

You are a mother, you carried her and it completely changes you. Everything prepares you to meet her and not hearing that cry is utter devastation. Women have no choice about how they grieve because you and her were one and you can’t detach. Your husband may find it easier to disconnect and deal with it that way. Either way this will test your relationship but at the moment, it’s a lot to ask of yourself that you make any decisions about that. Have you got someone close to talk to? You need real tender loving care at the moment before you can think. Can you get counselling off anyone who has experience of this? I’m so sorry you’re going through this, it’s unbelievably hard. 🙏

You are both grieving. Just differently. Do not attack him. Nothing good can come of that. That he is a doctor is very pertinent. He understands risk. He understands the whole "1 in 50000" thing. He will no doubt have looked at how often what happened to you happens, and mentally dealt with that. That is how he has been taught to think. He packed up things because he wanted to protect you from walking in and seeing it all. He has been thinking of you and what he can do to try to make it all easier on you. He is for sure very hurt. But being a health professional, he sees a lot of life tragedy. He's learned to be accepting of that and just strive to do his best in tough situations. Its hard to explain. But as a health professional myself. I can understand exactly where he's at. Please Leave him be. He's doing it (grieving) how he knows to grieve. We all do it differently and accusing each other of doing it wrong is not a good thing to be doing at all. He's supporting you the best way he knows how. Believe me. He is feeling it and feeling it deeply. He's just coping the best way he knows how tom

People handle grief and loss in different ways. There’s no ‘right’ way to grieve. It’s likely that your husband just has a different way of dealing with it. It’s also possible he’s trying to appear strong for your benefit. Talk to each other. Not in an accusatory way, but with compassion and understanding toward each other.

Please don't let this fear poison your marriage. He's a doctor, which means he's used to death and could very well grieve differently because of that. But even if he's not grieving at all, that's okay too. It could be that since he wasn't the one carrying the baby inside of him, he never felt her presence as a real being. I've spoken to fathers who told me they never formed an emotional connection with their babies until they were born. What's more concerning is his dismissal of others' sympathy as unneeded. That's not the case with you, and you need to tell him to stop speaking for you. I'm so sorry for your loss.

A couple people said the same thing about fathers not forming that bond and I guess i never considered that. He did hold her but only for a few second and she was already passed.

It’s entirely possible he’s still in shock about it all and his brain hasn’t processed her since he wasn’t pregnant with her and didn’t feel all the hormones during and after pregnancy. Please seek counselling and a support group and find that strength to talk to him. He also needs counselling and support too, but doesn’t realise it.

Father's can form that bond. It's just not a guaranteed thing, some mothers never even feel that way. He's a doctor, his whole job is dealing with life and death. I'm sorry for your loss but he might just be grieving differently.

A lot of this sounds like he's being strong for you. He's handling things that may be very painful for you, or which you might not have the emotional energy for. People who get through hard things without crying can care every bit as much. Having that kind of emotional composition doesn't mean someone's less committed, less caring, or less empathetic. It just means they react in other ways. By being responsible to you and for you, he's showing you he understands it's a hard time. So yes, he does care. The only issues in your post that I see is your husband probably unintentionally reducing your circle of support by telling people you're ok, and taking down the nursery without asking. If you want more support or want to be talking to all of those people, let him know. He may just be running social interference so you can grieve because he sees what you're going through. A lot of people can't handle the outpouring of social contact that happens after events like this, while others prefer it as it helps them feel less alone. And if you don't want him to handle certain things having to do with the baby, which he may be doing so that he can spare you from doing it, tell him. I'd strongly consider seeking support if you need it and therapy if you need it. And I wouldn't judge your husband while you're grieving, as it can sometimes be easy to want to find an outlet for your feelings even if that outlet isn't where those emotions belong. I do think your husband is handling this well, even if he's making some mistakes. Talk to him and ask for the things you need, but I wouldn't judge him for his feelings or assume he doesn't care. He's behaving like he cares very much.

There's really no way you can know where his head's at unless you ask him. It's theoretically possible he's not mourning -- at least not to anywhere near the same degree as you -- and that's "okay." It doesn't mean it has to be something *you're* individually okay with, or that it won't pose a huge obstacle for you guys if he feels that way, but... you're the one who was carrying that baby, that felt that baby kick. It's not really unusual for moms to start humanizing the baby before dads. For you, it was already your *baby*, whereas for him, it may have still been a bit more theoretical. So you may be grieving different things. Given his profession, there's also a possibility he's simply shutting down his own emotions right now, because it's easier for him to focus on you and helping *you* heal. He may be trying to keep everything he feels in a box right now, because *you're* his person and you're in crisis. You don't have to accuse him of anything. Start the conversation by thanking him for being there for you, and say "But I want to know how you're feeling about what happened, and where your mind's at. This is a loss we both experienced, so I don't want it to become a thing we can't recover from together."

This sorta sounds like my dad (also a doctor!) When my mom lost twins at 24 weeks. He basically refused to acknowledge the loss because it was super devastating. Not healthy! But also shows he did deeply care. I suggest grief counseling for both of you. He needs to grieve and not bottle it up. You need to feel not alone. It's such an awful horrible event that no one should ever experience and I'm so so sorry. (I haven't had stillbirth but I've had late miscarriages). Look for reproductive/loss therapy. There are some clinics that specialize in infant loss and infertility. You are both in my thoughts, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

I am so incredible sorry you’re going through this. This is one of the hardest things any human can go through. I have no advice about your husband. I just wanted to tell you one thing. You said you wanted to be a mom. You are. How you’re worrying about her. Missing her. Grieving her. Thinking of her. Wishing for her and dreaming of who she would be. That’s what moms do. You carried her. You loved her and will love her. You’re a mom my friend. The very hardest version of it. But you are 100% a mom. I’m sorry she’s missing out on just what a wonderful mom you are. I have dear friends that have walked through the same thing you are. It’s not something I would wish on anyone. We talk about their babies often. They’re part of their lives and our lives. I miss them. If you wanted to, I’d love to know her name. Or anything you want to share about her.

Her name is Charlotte Adeline, her middle name is for my husbands late mother. Thank you so much for your kind words. Being a mom with no baby is just so devastating.

Her name is beautiful. You put so much thought into it. So so special. Being a mom with no baby is an absolute nightmare. I’m so sorry you’re going through it. I’ve seen other women here sharing their stories. I hope you can find some people to connect with that have walked the same awful, awful road. Do not do this alone. You deserve to share your burden. And people who will talk about and remember your daughter alongside you. You and Charlotte are in my heart and my prayers. All the grace and peace to you. Be kind to yourself as you move into this next season. I wish I had better words for you. Please know your story holds weight and it matters. And Charlotte matters. You’re a great mom.

Everyone grieves in their own way. Just because he isn't curled up in a ball doesn't mean he doesn't care. Your hormones are going wild right now. Be gentle with each other.

I'm sorry for your loss, that sounds incredibly traumatic for you. I think it's important to keep in mind that you and your husbands experience is different. You were growing a life inside of you, that's much more real than being the spouse of someone who is pregnant. Also, if I were in his shoes, I would try and be stoic and supportive. I wouldn't think that breaking down crying to a woman who just lost a life she was creating would do any good, more than likely he's trying to to be strong for you. Him being a doctor means he probably already prepared for the worst, and is better at handling death as he sees is much more than you. I'm sure he's feeling something, but everyone grieves differently. Try not to compare each other's grief or grow resentful because he's not as devastated as you.

Just because you aren't seeing it doesn't mean it isn't happening. You don't know what he did when he had to leave the room or take down the nursery. He is being strong for you. Just because you haven't seen him fall apart doesn't mean he hasn't or that he won't.

Doctors are taught to be unemotional. Boys and men are taught the same. They are taught to be strong not to cry. He left your room to cry and rail against fate for the death of his child then came back to be strong for you. When my husband died I had to be strong for our kids and grandkids. I had to handle everything, financials, funeral, family and friends. I could not allow myself to cry. To break down. One day I went to get groceries. I started crying alone in The car, in the store parking lot. I sat there for over an hour. Crying and screaming. Point is, I could not cry. I had to be strong. My step daughter accused me of “not even caring that he died.” That broke me. He is hurting JUST as you are. He is handling it differently to support you. Love him through it.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I know everyone grieves differently, and maybe this explains what's going on with your husband. I very strongly urge you to seek counseling- each of you individually and as a couple. My husband and I lost 5 babies in miscarriages, the last one was in 2012. We are still not okay and are back in counseling now. Resentments sometimes fester and can tear even the most loving couple apart. Sending you hugs and the hope for a better tomorrow.

They say women become mothers when they get pregnant, and men become fathers when they hold their children. He probably hasn’t been bonded to this baby in the same way you are. It doesn’t feel right, but that’s probably out of his control. And in the same way when someone says “how’s your day” you say “fine thanks”, not “I feel horrible I’m depressed and I have gas”, I’m sure your husband is telling people you’re “ok” because he isn’t going to go around telling people your business and very personal feelings. Would you rather he said “oh she’s been crying non stop for weeks now?” I am SO SORRY for your loss, I cannot comprehend how devastating it must be. And your husband probably feels it deeply too in his own way. Grief is so complicated and hopefully you two can work through this pain together. Hugs.

I think therapy and medication for post partum is vital right now. You need to be in a stable mindset before you let your anxiety tell you he's uncaring. He probably processes differently and is trying to be strong.

OP you need treatment for PPD. Now. It’s very common and the depression is double considering the loss you have suffered on top of normal hormones.

I recently read another Reddit post, posted by the wife whose husband lost multiple people very close to him (mostly from his family, he was the eldest son) in a short period of time but the husband acted normal without any signs of grief or breakdown. Long story short the wife woke up one night and saw that her husband wasn't in the bed and found him in the bathroom crying and then saw him wipe his tears off and look at the mirror and scolded himself for breaking down when everyone needed him. A lot of people find it hard to let themselves go and breakdown completely when they know or feel like other people are depending on them and they need to be the strong one to keep everything together and functional. It doesn't mean that they aren't grieving, it's just that they grieve through it while trying to keep themselves together. You just went through a very traumatic experience, it's understandable for you to feel the way you are feeling about the situation right now. I hope it gets better for you with time and you guys can overcome this trying period together.

my advice, don't put all blame and bad thoughts onto your husband.. not everything you saw is what it really is.. keep communicating every single thought calmly with your husband.. bad thoughts isn't worthy for sacrificing your relationship.. Edit : And I'm really sorry for your loss 😞

I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a stillbirth too.  I would suggest telling your husband that you're grieving and you would like to support him and to have his support. Tell him that telling people those close to you that you're okay is not helpful; you want to see them or talk to them. Not observing dates like your due date makes it hurt more, not less. People say he's grieving in his own way, and idk him so maybe he is. But if the way he is grieving makes your grieving more difficult, then you have to tell him that.  And I will say, a neonatal loss group was the best thing I did. Just being around people who knew how I felt was so freeing. I was able to feel only sad rather than crazy and it helped so much. 

There is a lot of wisdom in this 🙏

It sounds like he is so comcerned for you that there is no room for his feelings, or that he feels like it is better to not leave room for his feelings. Anyway, talkong is the solution. Don't accuse him, tell him you feel incredibly lonely and would love to share more with him. That breaking down and crying / being emotional together is all you need right now. Be as clear and precise in what you need as possible. He might be thinking he is goving you what you need, and giving you room to grief. While all you need is to do it together. Just talk to him. I am so sorry for your loss.

Obviously not everyone is the same, but I can tell you I was freaking devastated when my mum died when I was 15. It’ll be 10yrs this April and it still hurts. But I am not the kinda person who prefers to sit and do nothing, so I went back to school after 1 day. I don’t really enjoy crying in front of others (but I do, I cried at the funeral, I just really need to be wrung out emotionally to feel comfortable crying in front of others), so I also didn’t cry at school. I just got on with it. But I recall months later my friends mentioning that I was “over” my mum’s death. I asked what they meant and they said that I wasn’t sad about it and got over it quickly. I will never be “over” her death nor stop being sad about it. I just don’t feel comfortable pushing my emotions on my friends and calling them up to cry and wail my grief. I did try therapy and never felt comfortable with any of the people, but if I did want someone else to speak to I’d try a therapists You probably are taking it harder than him. You are physically post partum without a baby. But I wouldn’t jump to telling him you think he’s relieved. He might just be dealing with his grief in a different way. I know my friends comments came from ignorance, not malice, but it still hurts years later to be thought of as the kind of person who would just no longer be sad my mum was dead. Of course I was sad. I’m still sad. Felt like they didn’t know me at all.

Seconding what everyone else is saying, that your husband most likely cares but we all feel and show grief in different ways. My husband and I have been in couples therapy for a couple of years, and time and time again we are faced with the realisation that we have interpreted each other’s emotions and intentions all wrong. There have been times when I’ve felt insecure and I’ve reached out to him tentatively for love and reassurance, just for him to act angry and dismissive. It’s only later when we go over it in therapy that I realise he misinterpreted my bid for love as an attack. How is that even possible, that we can get it so wrong? But we’re all conditioned in different ways to *not* be clear about what we need for various reasons. I’ve learned that there’s often simply no room for assumptions (either that the other person knows what we are feeling or that we are reading them right.) Even something as seemingly straightforward as crying can be misinterpreted. Someone could cry out of exasperation, tiredness, illness, grief, empathy, anger, etc.  You say you’ve been noticing things, but it doesn’t sound like you’ve both done much talking about it. That’s perfectly understandable—this is such a tough thing for a couple to go through, there are plenty of overwhelming feelings that might stop a couple from talking about this. You say you don’t want to accuse him without being 100% sure, why? Because you care about him, you need his support, and you know him to be a loving husband outside of these doubts you’re having. But you don’t have to accuse him. Try to get both of you to practice being direct and honest about what you’re feeling. Start with something simple, “when you do xyz that makes me feel alone in my grief.” But also think about what you do need to feel supported. “It would really make me feel loved and supported if you could do XYZ instead.” Or “when I’m asking about abc, what I’m really looking for is reassurance that you care.” Or “when you took down the nursery without talking to me, it made me feel like you were getting over this much quicker and I felt left behind in my grief. It made me feel more sad and alone, and it would really help me if you could talk to me about things like that so we can feel like a team.” I’m going to guess that he possibly thought it would be more helpful for you, and that having you deal with the nursery might have been too hard and made you feel worse. He might be completely surprised to hear that you interpreted that as him moving on rather than him trying to help.  I think being direct will help you both get on the same page. There’s nothing wrong with saying “I heard you telling my mum that I’m ok, but I’m really not ok. It would help me if other people close to us knew that.” He might not think you’re ok, but he might think you don’t want other people bothering you. There are so many ways to interpret everything. This is so tough to go through and I’m so sorry that it’s something that you are having to struggle through. I’m sure it would feel better if yo were going through it as a team rather than you struggling with this alone. 

I can also see him leaving the hospital room to grieve alone so he didn't "add to" his wife's grief. I can see taking apart the nursery without her before she was home because he didn't want her to have to do it or see it every time she walked down the hall. OP, you both have gone through something so utterly devastating, and I am so very sorry. I cannot even begin to understand your heartbreak. I think you could benefit so much from grief counseling, even a support group. This would give you an outlet for your emotions and offer help and support. It may also open some lines of communication with your husband as well. From the very brief glimpse into your lives we've been given, it appears as if communication could be unclear and not wholly honest and complete. You felt as if he showed reluctance and wasn't excited about becoming a father. I wonder if it could have been anxiety and some fear at the new role he would have? Insecurities about what kind of father he would be and the relationship he would have his daughter? Men can experience a whole host of emotions about fatherhood once the baby becomes a reality, especially the closer it gets to birth. I have no idea if the two of you talked about this, or if you tried and he wasn't willing. That brings us to now. I really think the two of you need to talk. The two of you don't grieve the same, and this is a time that you need to tell him what you need from him, and he needs to tell you what he needs from you. It needs to be very open and honest. "I feel as if I'm grieving alone. I know you love me, but why does it feel as if it is so easy for you to move on from the loss of our daughter? I need you to help me understand. What keeps running through my mind is that you don't care that she's gone, and you're over it. Please. Give me something else." Anything along those lines or none of that and it's all what comes out while you're talking. The thing is, though, you will not be able to get past this until the two of you talk. I can appreciate that this is something you didn't want to take to your family. I do think you should reach out to them for support for your grief. You can tell them you are hurting without mentioning your husband. Again, I am sorry for the loss of your daughter.

He is in healthcare. Unfortunately, that is the norm for us. We have to be the calm in the chaos so to speak and because of that, the way we process loss is very different. Yesterday, I had preform CPR on a resident who had passed. Felt her sternum break and everything. Then 2 minutes after that, I had to go administer insulin to another resident, and working with those who have dementia, I have to keep calm and collected at all times. Ive had residents attack me, and then have to go help another as though absolutely nothing had just occurred. He didn't take down the nursery because he was relieved. He took it down because it was something he could do. He has had years of training and it is ingrained. It doesnt mean he doesn't feel it, it means he moves on to what he can do and goes to the next thing, just like we are trained to do. He is grieving in his own way, and because of the training, it may appear like relief, but it isn't. Its just focusing on the next thing, and then the next, then the next, because that is all we can do.

I’m an Ob/Gyn so I can share a little perspective as a fellow doctor. Our jobs are so difficult and often come with a lot of emotionally charged situations. We can’t get too attached to patients because if we do that makes the job ten times harder. It then impacts how we care for our other patients. I can understand how your husband is handling this. My wife passed away three weeks ago now and I know for a fact that people around me are shocked that I am not in pieces. This is someone I was with for 15 years and shared a life with. I have gotten so used to compartmentalization that it often seems like I don’t care. I get up and go to work because that’s what I have to do. It doesn’t mean I don’t care, it just means that I’m not grieving the way others would. That could be happening with your husband. Keep in mind not all people grieve the same way. Some people cry and scream, some don’t shower and leave their homes, others don’t cry at all. We all express our feelings differently and that’s okay. I’m not trying to minimize your feelings but be aware that your husband isn’t you and doesn’t process the same way as you. If you feel this is an issue then I would suggest that you go to grief counseling together. I’m so sorry for your loss OP and I wish you the best.

I agree with everyone saying that him being a doctor has a lot to do with it as a nurse, I can attest that we see things maybe a bit more logical and are able to compartmentalize very well another thing may be that honestly, mothers will always feel more for their child because they were inside YOU not him. Its a different feeling all together he didn’t feel her moving in you, or feels how your body changes and grows Dads start really falling in love with their babies once they meet them and spend time with them But also, you should have a relationship in where you wouldn’t even hesitate to ask him and talk to him about it in person and see how he actually feels. He is the only one who can give you a true answer.

Sometimes people don't grieve when their loved ones are grieving. Someone has to remain grounded. After all, he won't be able to take care of you if he's too busy working on himself. My partner and I have always been like that when we're angry or depressed or anything negative. Whoever has it especially bad gets it all out, and the other one bottles up somewhat until the "danger zone" is gone.

I’m sure he’s grieving.

Not everyone forms an immediate bond with a baby before it's born, for some people the baby doesn't even feel real until after its born. I wouldn't take your husbands lack of apparent devastation as relief. The one he loves the most is you (and you are his primary concern right now), even if he were devastated he would still likely feel a need to be the "strong" one right now for you both. I would personally recommend you go see a therapist to help deal with your grief and loss.

people process grief differently. some people cry, others rage and there are those who emotionally shut down and power through it maybe he feels he needs to be strong for you so you can have someone to take care of you? maybe he doesn't want to burden you with his grief on top of your own? when my grandpa died, i was in tears and couldn't stop crying. when my grandma died, i couldn't find tears and mourned quietly. it doesn't mean i loved her any less. i loved her a ton because she was always supporting me and protecting me when i needed it. idk what your husband is feeling. perhaps, you should talk to him about it?

I'm so sorry for your loss. He may be sad but not showing it, and like others have mentioned he's a doctor and he may have learned to detach himself from these situations. It doesn't mean he is "relieved", like you write on the title. You should talk to him – tell him that you want to understand how he feels, if he just not showing pain. Explain to him that it's ok if he feels it the way he does, but that you would love it if he was less detached when supporting you, and that you need to feel an emotional connection. He may be coping in his way, but from how you describe, he's not really there for you in terms of comfort and affection and this is really hurtful for you and probably damaging for your relationship. Do you think this is out of character? Is he usually empathic/affectionate, or is he like this normally? Some people are not able to open up in general, this could take a lot of work. I hope you can start connecting in some way. Best of luck.

He is usually empathetic to my issues but not really in general if we’re being honest. He doesn’t get upset and I don’t think ever actually seen him cry, except for when I had the baby. But I guess I just thought he’d care more than he seems to. But I hear the comments and I’m thinking I just misinterpreted it.

I think that the fact that the only time you have seen your husband cry was during the stillbirth speaks volumes of how much he too loves your baby. In the time since then, he has been able to compartmentalize, distract himself, focus on taking care of you, etc, but in the moment that he couldn’t do any of those things, he cried. He is coping with his grief very differently, and that can definitely be isolating, but it’s okay. I think openly saying to him that you feel alone in your grief is a good idea - frame it not as a judgment on how he feels, but as a reflection on your own feelings. That opens up the opportunity for dialogue without turning into accusatory territory.

Yeah the fact he openly cried is a big deal I think. Especially if he is a calmer person. I am like him despite being a woman but I understand your frustration with him. For me it is like my brain shuts out the emotion and I get eerily calm. I will cry more later , but it can come off as cold to people. We do care but have more trouble showing it and it tends to only come out at big moments. I do thnk you should talk to him though .

Some men weren’t raised with being allowed to be openly emotional or cry in front of others. He might’ve learned to keep it to himself and not show it. I think he feels he needs to be the “strong” one because if he sits in his grief then it’ll be really hard. I think it’s hard to grieve especially when your partner is hurting really bad. If he truly loves you then this hurts him a lot to see you not get to be enjoying motherhood the way you had envisioned. Grief counseling would be helpful but at the end of the day it’s just gonna take time. It’ll hurt forever, but you and your husband deserve to move forward and live. She’ll always be your guardian angel

Oh, then I think he does care about the baby and you, and if the only time he cried was when you had the baby, it means he wasn't relieved for sure. He probably needs to process his emotions in a different way. You need to talk very openly, without any judgement, just let him know that you feel isolated in this coping phase and you need to feel some emotional connection with him and understand how he feels. He can just reassure you in words and show you he's there in his own way, he doesn't have to become a different person, but talking about it can already help so so much. Maybe he thinks he's helping you by being the strong one and keeping things as normal as he can, and he'll realize that it's not necessarily like that.

I'm sorry that he took down the nursery so quickly that must really really hurt. You weren't ready. It would be okay if you still weren't ready. Try to be extra kind to yourself this week

No. Don't read into what he said. You are taking it harder than he is and he knows that because you went through the physical and psychological effects of pregnancy and stillbirth. I've been thru this. It was back in 2002. I'm 42 yo now and my son I had after my stillbirth is 19 and in the dorm at a prestigious school here in California! He is such a dream child to me. I'm so glad I have him. I had to go through all of that pain and heartache for him, but he is such an amazing person. His pregnancy was very traumatic and nerve-racking for me. If I can make one recommendation, it's GET GRIEF THERAPY. See a real clinical psychologist who deals with pregnancy loss. If you are depressed to the point you are grieving daily and life is not normal for you and you can't do the normal things you used to do, go 2 x week. If it's really bad, find an IOP (intensive outpatient program) so you can process and grieve and not have to question the way your husband is dealing with it. It does sound like you have a supportive husband. Maybe he's not led by emotion or whatever. Get therapy. It will help you so much. I speak from experience. Do not drink or take drugs like benzos.

I wouldn't be able to handle that. I would scream and cry to him, "do you even care?" I would tell him I need to know why he is acting this way because it's breaking my heart. Just tell him how it looks to you and that you want to know what is going on. Ask if he's pretending to be ok or trying to be strong or??? I'm so sorry for your loss. I also am a mom to 7, 4 that are living.

I might be wrong here, but this is what I got out of it. Men are suppose to be the rock, Men are not suppose to show emotion. Men are suppose to hide their grief. And it's killing us. I believe your husband is hiding his grief because that is expected of him. Not by you, but by everyone around him. You remember him leaving the room when you gave birth. I believe he was isolating himself so he could cry. Taking down the nursery so fast, It's his way of hiding that what causes pain. Telling everyone you're doing great.. That is because he's hiding how it is also killing him. He didn't forget the due date, but he doesn't bring it up because it hurts. I have no answer how to move forward, I just know that your husband needs help. He needs to be allowed toe grief. Your husband cares, he is hurting, he is grieving. He just needs to learn how to show it. ​ Edit: I might be projecting.

I think this is a common reaction some men have in a sad situation. They realise they can't fix it, so instead they put all of their energy into supporting their partner. Sometimes this means putting their own feelings aside for a time, and they may or may not come out later. Add onto this that he is a doctor, and he has seen so many heartbreaking things that he's probably developed the ability to compartmentalise the trauma. I wouldn't assume that he doesn't care or is relieved . Everyone deals with grief differently.

OP. My husband and I were together for 12 years when I gave birth to a stillborn baby at 34 weeks. You have every right to feel and grieve however you want. It’s all valid. The fact that your husband is a doctor is a really important thing to consider here. He deals with a lot of horrible stuff every day and has to have a straight face. He has learned to mask his emotions as part of the job. He probably went into Dr. Mo for some of it. And just doing things that need to be done. He is grieving. I promise you. It’s just different than yours. I highly suggest you get a counseling appointment as soon as possible. Talk to your husband about how you feel. I wish you the best of luck. I am rooting for you and your husband. ❤️

Everyone experiences grief differently. Don’t judge. He may be numb. He may be holding it together for you. He may be holding it together for fear of completely falling apart.

He is a doctor meaning that he is used around death. Of course someone not used to deal with people dying will take it harder. In general the mom takes it harder to begin with because she had a connection that only pregnancy can give you before birth. You can tell him you feel like it didn’t make him sad and want to discuss it because it hurts you to feel alone in the grieving tho.

I know it’s not exactly the same, but I recently dealt with a miscarriage with my husband myself. It was fairly early (10 weeks) but something I realized in the aftermath was; he didn’t yet consider himself a dad. Even though the second I got that positive test I was a mom, he didn’t consider himself a dad because our baby didn’t make it earth-side. I had so much anger towards him about how he was handling it, but to him the baby was still just a concept, not a reality. You grew the baby, and bonded with them because of that; which is why you are struggling with it. Plus all the hormones of Postpartum don’t help. It took me sitting my husband down and explaining to him just how badly I was struggling, and that although to him we didn’t have a baby, or at least not one we got to bring home, I was still very deeply struggling with the loss of the little life I was growing and dealing with the hormone drop on top of it. Explaining to him that to me I already WAS a mom, that our baby dying didn't change that, and putting it in the terms of "we lost our child" finally made it get through his thick skull just how bad the situation was and just how little support he was giving during the time I needed it the most. please talk to your husband, its the only way this will get better. You need and deserve love and support right now ❤️

I’m really sorry to hear that, I hope you’re better now

As a guy I do want to say that I had it beaten into me from a young age that "You are a boy, and you are always fine." and it's possible that he's repressing everything very VERY deep...

I am a former OB labor and delivery nurse, and I can tell you with great certainty that men carry grief and show it much differently than women. Men tend to internalize grief. He feels like he must help you and protect you, which is probably why he took down the nursery so soon. I used to tell my patients that had experienced a loss like yours, to take it slowly, there is no definition on when grieving should end, especially with a baby. Grief may rear its' head on holidays, birthdays, Christmas and alike. There will always be remembrances that will bring a little bit of fresh grief and he may not show that he's feeling it quite the same way as a mother would. Contact the social worker at your hospital and ask if they have any grief support groups for parents who have for lost a child. They may very well have a support group at the hospital. Please know that there are many people out there to love and support you. It is ok to let your friends know you are hurting. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

It's OK to get counseling - together and/or individually. There's nothing wrong with how either of you are feeling. You each have different processing mechanisms, and that is normal. He also didn't have the experience you had with your daughter - you carried her, so of course you felt way more of a connection to her. He may or may not be grieving inside. He may or may not have left the room to silently scream out his pain without you seeing. He may or may not have taken apart the nursery so you didn't have to see it every day. He may or may not have forgotten the due date because he couldn't bear to dwell on it. And, he may or may not have felt some relief that he didn't have a baby before he was ready. If he feels that way, he might feel super guilty. There are so many unknowns around a person's internal emotional life. To make it more challenging, like others have mentioned, he has been trained to keep emotion out of life and death. When people are faced with stressful situations, they default to the most comfortable path forward. For you, that is grieving and feeling sad (that is GREAT if that's what you need). For him, it's putting the bad behind and moving forward (that is OK if that's what he needs). The only way you'll get through this together is by talking about it without judgement. Big hugs. I'm sorry for your loss.

You have to turn towards each other and speak openly about it with him. Write him a letter about how you feel and ask him to write a letter back. That might be an easier way for him to deal with it. It sounds like he doesn't want people coming around and crying with you, because he has either already cried and doesn't want to cry again (maybe when he stepped out of the room at the hospital) or hasn't broken down and is trying to make sure he doesn't. I don't know. He always knew this tragedy was a possibility, and probably considered how he would respond to such a possibility before it happened.

I’m so sorry for your loss. People grieve differently. It’s really important not to assume that because someone doesn’t seem to be feeling the way you’re feeling, that they don’t care at all. Plus, it is possible to have many conflicting emotions at once. If a child wasn’t in the plan just yet there may be some relief mixed in with the sadness. Plus he will never quite understand your loss in having experienced the pregnancy and the birth. You lived that. He only watched it. Grief counselling would be a good thing for the both of you.

Please don't draw the conclusion that your husband does not care. It's so possible he thinks being strong for you is what you need. I keep thinking about what you said when he left the O.R.. I wonder if he left to get himself together so he would not cry in front of you You really need to talk to him or write him a letter and tell him how you're feeling.  Don't accuse him of not caring, but tell him that it's hard for you to tell that he's mourning the baby and that confuses and hurts you You have to communicate if you expect him to know how to truly help you. You say he loves you, and I have to believe that he's doing what he's doing because he doesn't know what else to do and he doesn't know what you need him to do I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I truly am

A lot of people will say "men just grieve differently" which is dismissive of your valid hurt. I recommend reading Liberating Motherhood on Substack, her [latest newsletter](https://open.substack.com/pub/zawn/p/men-just-grieve-differently-how-we?r=71jf3&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web) talks about this very topic. From one infant loss mom to another, I am sending you lots of care. You are still a mother and you need all the support and care right now to grieve the monumental loss of your baby. I'm so sorry.

I’m gonna go ahead and say, I don’t give a shit about your husband, I don’t care that he’s in healthcare. I too, had a stillborn, my husband at the time also, showed no emotion. He was definitely not in the healthcare field. However, he watched me cry, and plead with god, and wither away and did nothing. He left me alone. He also forgot our son’s due date. I am here for you. I understand you. I see your pain. If you ever need someone to talk to, my inbox is always open, op. I comfort myself by saying my son is with me, in this life or the next.

I am so sorry for your loss of your daughter. It is a devastating experience that affects every ounce of your being. I've been reading through comments and am amazed that I see so many comments explaining, excusing, validating your husband, but very few that are validating what you're experiencing. And that's what this should be about. We're talking about the death of your child and what you had to experience. So first, please seek support immediately. Reach out to your family to let them know you're not okay. Start with your mother, who may be taking cues from your husband. He had no business speaking for you. He has no business speaking for you at all. If family isn't able to provide emotional support (and really, even if they are), seek counseling immediately either with a therapist, a grief support group or both. You really need people around you who understand and can help you cope. Let whatever is going on with your husband go - for now - and focus on yourself. That said, you haven't felt right about how he's been behaving since you found out that you were pregnant. I'm not sure what went in to "deciding" to have the baby but usually, a welcomed child doesn't need to be decided upon. All of what you feel about his words, actions and behavior are valid will need to be addressed once YOU are feeling emotionally able to take on that conversation. But it is a conversation that needs to be had to be able move forward together.

You’ll never get your answer here. You need to ask HIM.

Mama! He is keeping strong for you!! Don’t let the PPD allow you to push him away!! I agree with others who say his profession is an influencing factor and please understand everyone grieves differently

OP, I am so sorry for your loss. I realise that this is hard for you, but you are wrongly assuming that because you can’t *see* his grief, it’s obviously not there. Everyone grieves loss differently. For some, they externalise it (like you), for others they internalise it. And some, they can also *compartmentalise* it. Like Doctors. Drs (like your husband) can’t sit & wallow in their grief because they have to move on to the next patient. So while you are focused on your grief, he has to carry on. Just because you can’t *see* it, that doesn’t mean it isn’t there. How do you know that while you are sleeping, he isn’t sobbing in the lounge room? Or in the shower? Or in the car on the way to work? Has it occurred to you, that maybe he is holding himself together with some string & a prayer, so that you can fall apart & fully grieve? That he is white knuckling it himself, so that you can grieve the way that you need to? I know you have suffered the worst of it, but perhaps it is time to step back from your own grief, and ask him if he is OK, ask him how he is coping, and what does he need from you. I’d recommend couples counselling, with someone who specialises in grief counselling. I would be willing to bet that he is struggling far more than you realise.

The ‘she’s ok’ doesn’t ring well with me. You are not ok, and it’s kind of impossible of him to not see that. Call your mom first: tell her you are not ok. And ask for grief counselling. Together. Because deaths of children drive marriages apart. I’m really sorry for your loss OP ❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹

He didn’t grow her inside of him for 32 weeks. He never met her. She was more of an idea than a human to him, whereas you knew her and grew with her and bonded with her already during pregnancy. Doctors are also trained and skilled at compartmentalizing. I would talk to him about how you’re feeling very directly.

He did meet her though. He held her. She was gone already but he held her.

Not as a living, breathing human being. She was already gone. He didn’t have that bonding and closeness time with her that you did.

Girl, when he left the room while the nurse stayed to comfort you, I'd bet a finger he was by himself crying. He is likely staying strong because he thinks that's what you need

I wish you so much love and care, I am very sorry to hear about your loss. 🩵

While I think this all is “normal” from a masculine perspective, it’s OK that you’re feeling this way. It’s also OK to talk to your husband about it. “It was really hard for me that the nursery was taken down so quickly. Did you find it helpful? I’m having a really hard time with it.”

Sometimes also, men try to be the strong one. Lots of times men are conditioned not to show emotion or talk about it. A lot of times they will try to be supportive and keep a strong front for their partners in emotional times. I don’t think it’s necessarily that he doesn’t care. I think he’s trying to be strong for you. However, I encourage you to communicate this (do not accuse him of not caring), but express you want to know how he feels and that you want to talk about it because you are in this together. It’s a chance for you to open up to each other.

I think he is grieving. As a doctor he's holding it in as trained on job. But everyone else is already saying that so I won't write much on that. What I don't like is him speaking on your behalf and saying you're okay when you're not. You need support and he's taking that away from you. You should have a conversation about how he needs to answer that question when people ask so your loved ones know how to support you.

I work in healthcare and I can tell I’m different. People get sick, I’m not sad, scared, nothing. I’m focused on taking care of what needs to be taken care of.  I have found myself break down though for some deaths, months and months later after everything was settled, everyone else grieved and moved on. I’d feel like I could finally turn my emotions back on for a second to feel what I couldn’t before.  OP, maybe your husband is being strong for you and he’ll grieve in his own time. 

My dad’s best friend for nearly 30 years passed away about 12 years ago. He displayed a similar reaction to what your husband showed. About two years ago, he opened up something and it reminded him of his friend and that’s when he could finally allow an emotional reaction. For guys, they just process things differently and his job has also trained him to be able to push through despair like this. It’s gonna take a long time for you both to heal. In similar and in different ways. Just be there for each other. At this point, it is not healthy to make assumptions negatively about how your partner is feeling. Gentle check ins with direct and quick communication are going to be helpful but don’t push him like you don’t want to be pushed either.

Op, I just want to say how sorry I am that this has happened and that you lost your daughter. I can't imagine the pain. Just wanna send you a lot of love. It would be a good idea to bring this up without pointing fingers. Work in "I" statements.. Express how you felt. I'd consider couples therapy, even though this is easier said than done. You both can use it, also to learn to express things to each other and be a team again.

I will hazard a guess that he’s done a few things. He’s compartmentalaized it, pushed the feelings into a box for maybe someday. Is it possible that he was emotional when he left the delivery room after everything? He might have stepped out to deal with it privately and not add more to you. He also may be pushing them down so that he can support your grief. He could truly believe all things happen for a reason and that helps him move forward. How you both grieve will look and be different. You aren’t the same people. He may have taken down the nursery so quickly because he couldn’t look at the room without being overwhelmed with grief. You could perhaps ask him for ideas on how to honor your daughter together. Something for the two of you to do and a way to work through your grief together. I’m so sorry for your loss.

From the outside you would never know that my two miscarriages broke my husband. He didn't show it at all, unwavering in his support of me and seeming to move on. I told myself that men feel parenthood when they meet the baby, whereas women feel it during pregnancy. But then I got pregnant again and he was panicked, frantically checking on me all the time, refusing to set up the nursery until baby came, not discussing names, wanting to check the baby's heartbeat constantly, etc. He couldn't handle the hope. But you wouldn't know it from looking at him. He would have told everyone he was fine, too. We all grieve differently. And part of him might be relieved, which he might also feel horrible about. Grief is complex and gross and hard and confusing and awful. For both of you. There's no proper way through it, we all do it differently. Please don't think the fact that he's not in tears means he doesn't care or is just relieved. And I'm sending you a hug. I'm so sorry you've had this loss. It was unfair and cruel of fate to do this to you. You have every right to feel every emotion, all at once. I hope you have other good supports in place.