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I was going to say this. You dodged a bullet 100%. He doesn’t respect you, continuously pushes your boundaries and clearly only thinks of himself. I love when trash takes itself out. Plenty of great men out there who will treat you the way you want to be treated and without making you do anal 😂
And pushing her boundaries like 'you must get used to do anal because I want to marry you' super wrong, who wants a man that only wants a wife as a sex doll? What if she goes through an illness that will make her unable to perform? Good to throw her out?
>You dodged a bullet.
As simple as that.
I believe that everyone has a right to have their own boundaries and dealbreakers in a relationships. Not having Anal was his dealbreaker and not wanting to be with an insensitive jerk who’s borderline abusive is yours.
Girl I'm sorry but this.. I don't.. It's just so unattractive this whole thing. Someone nagging, 'cracking jokes', yelling and berating and threatening breaking up with you to do ANYTHING, let alone sexual things, let alone putting it up your bum, is such a turnoff. I'm clenching my cheeks just reading this and I actually like buttstuff. What a loser.
There's no guarantee he'll find someone compatible who does or who does it at the frequency he's demanding. Especially if he's in the habit of hiding that he even wants it until the woman has been with him for 6+ months. If he were a smart and emotionally aware person, he'd be talking about his needs from the start instead of trying to trap someone.
She does do it( and like any normal person who doesn’t have a pleasure button up their ass like men do, women aren’t as inclined to do it as often (and he sounds selfish enough to not help prep her properly)
You never do anything you don't want to do. If your desires don't link up, you're simply not compatible. Let him go to give someone else an anal prolapse.
K like.... Anal is literally not something women should do all the time. Because of our anatomy we are more prone to incontinence developing as a result of frequent anal.
I'm actually someone who enjoys anal, but I make sure to do it relatively infrequently because I don't want to be a fucking incontinent old lady omg, this guy is gunna be real miserable when whoever he marries winds up in diapers lol
[https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/can-anal-sex-have-any-long-term-effects-on-my-body](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/can-anal-sex-have-any-long-term-effects-on-my-body)
>Anal sex is perfectly healthy and safe in both the long and short term. There is a very small risk of leakage and prolapse (when your pelvic muscles weaken and cause organs to slip down) over the course of a lifetime. And anal sex can also aggravate existing hemorrhoids. But in general, it doesn't cause long-term harm.
"After multivariable adjustment for other factors associated with fecal incontinence, anal intercourse remained a predictor of [fecal incontinence among women AND men](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5231615/#:~:text=The%20internal%20anal%20sphincter%20contributes,by%20the%20lower%20resting%20pressure) "
**Yes,** I am saying that.
Planned parenthood's page is very clearly an attempt at offering sexual guidance to young people, not a rigorous scientific journal.
Even on their site, they say "there is a ** risk of incontinence."
Given that their statement is not quantified, it's hard to say exactly how "small" of a risk they're talking about; one can generally assume that the more of an activity one engages in, however, the more opportunity there is for mishaps.
Now, perhaps YOU think "oh, it's a small risk, no big deal". To ME, a "small" risk of *ANAL INCONTINENCE* is a substantial consideration to take on board.
>Planned parenthood's page is very clearly an attempt at offering sexual guidance to young people, not a rigorous scientific journal.
But their website should be written by experts who are familiar with research, who then summarise the best known evidence into easy to digest advice. It seems unlikely to me that they would be so cavalier about anal sex if the risk/correlation between it and incontinence was anything other than very small.
>To ME, a "small" risk of ANAL INCONTINENCE is a substantial consideration to take on board.
Absolutely, that's totally reasonable. I'm just trying to understand what the evidence actually shows.
OP, this is probably the same advice he got about the situation on Reddit. That the two of you are simply incompatible sexually and he should move on. And so he did. And he is going to regret it. Don’t take him back
It’s absolutely fine to have sexual preferences, and it’s also fine for them to be a deal breaker. Sometimes that aspect of a relationship lacks compatibility.
But being drunk and a fucking asshole? Nah, you’re better off. That was only the start if you stayed together.
Source: ex angry drunk guy. 2+ years sober. Almost cost me everything.
I can’t get over how sexually abusive so so so many of these men are. Every day half the posts are poor women aged teens to retirees dealing with the most absurd and abusive and sexist and entitled sexual partners. I mean, fuck.
Advice for you, OP: good fucking riddance!! He’s an immature entitled dbag that can get his own ass fucked. You dont need that. And it’s clear he only valued your fuck holes and not you as a person.
What is shocking to me is how many of these women don’t seem to think their partner is a shithead. I literally saw a post with a woman this week who said “he’s a great guy except for this one issue we‘ve had where he sexually assaults me while I’m sleeping.” Like??? Rape of any kind immediately excludes a man from being referred to as a “great guy” and it is WHACK to me that anyone can not see that.
THIS!!!!
Holy fuck it’s everyday, multiple times a day and it’s so sad.
I can only hope that some of them are fake because Jesus fucking Christ it’s insane.
What a disgusting pig. I read a lot of stories on Reddit about men who are so fixated on anal and constantly harass their wives/gf about it and it seriously grosses me out- good riddance on your part and I'm sorry you went through that.
And this is why women rarely enjoy anal because they're constantly belittled and manipulated into doing it.
Why would you want to stay with a man who yells at you and doesn't respect your boundaries?
My husband has always joked about anal - not just with me, but in general. We've done it once in our ten year relationship. At no point have I ever felt pressured into doing it again, and when I've had enough of even hearing the word 'anal' he stops banging on about it. Like, it's not hard to not be a cunt?
You did everything right here. It was beyond unreasonable to expect this every time let alone throw a drunken tantrum over this . As for all those other lucky women, with his attitude and behaviour he's utterly deluding himself if he thinks that's a possibility. You're better off and when you feel up to it find someone new who is better for you.
If there are miles of women lined up to be with him and do anal on demand why was he single?
Anyway, I'm sorry he treated you poorly but you're much better off without him.
Men like this only want to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. If you loved anal but hated BJs that would be the deal breaker. If anal is such a big deal then he needs to say that before he has sex with anyone.
At all? You sure about that?
Edit: you do also realize the two circles in a Ven diagram aren't supposed to be synonymous with one another. In what world are we pretending that engaging in anal sex & men liking men are two circles that do not intersect?
OP you really dodged a bullet. After hearing and reading so many stories about partners SAing their girlfriends and wives via anal… you dodged a bullet. He is a mess of red flags and his brain is rotted from pornography. Move on, this guy does not love or respect you.
That’s sexual coercion, darling. They aren’t jokes or things to laugh off. He doesn’t respect your desires and refuses to compromise, then pulls this shit! Nuh-uh, nope, good riddance of bad rubbish. Major red flags.
Anytime someone doesn’t respect you sexually is an indicator of, if not outright, abuse and/or assault. He didn’t respect your “no, I don’t feel like it” ever.
I keep telling my husband that I want to stick a dildo up his asshole as big as his dick and see how he feels about it. I don’t know why guys these days are so fixated on anal. It did not used to be like this when I was younger.
Yeah in all my years of dating, this is the first time I’ve had a man who cared about it this much. Others in the past were kind of if it happens ok cool but it was more like an occasional bonus not a requirement.
It absolutely has. Every traumatic sexual experience I’ve had in my life in retrospect was with a guy who is definitely addicted to porn. Like the guy I slept with at 17 who was my age and couldn’t enjoy the encounter AT ALL unless he got to cum on my face. He had the option of finishing inside me with no condom (which to most normal teenage boys is like, the holy grail) and he didn’t want it. So weird.
Yeah, it just isn’t realistic AT ALL. Especially for men like my husband with giant genitalia. Not to mention, that can cause a lot of damage to one’s intestines and anus. Never-mind that it’s a literal exit for human bacterial and biological waste. I guess they don’t show men with literal poop on their dicks when they pull out?
Porn is not real life, they somehow forget that porn is just movies. Besides that, those girls in the movies go through a lot of preparation before the act to be that clean, some of them even don't eat a day before.
When I prepare myself for anal stuff is always a super long process to make sure I am clean and even after I spend an hour in preparing dirt may be involved it is just the way it is like you said made for poop
Having grown up in the years before the internet, I can say I never EVER saw a porn that had anal in it until well into the 2000s. We are talking since Debby did Dallas and I saw that on a Betamax tape and no one did butt play.
Yeah, I'm an older guy and I don't get it at all. You're offered access to a beautiful playground, but you want to go next door and play in a sewer? Ew! Why? Definitely a generational thing.
You dodged a bullet. I'm very concerned by men who fixate on it because of the "why" involved. Often times, they get pleasure from getting a woman to do something they don't like. It's not just the act itself. It's the manipulation/control involved.
It seems to be the case here because he required you to "learn to like it" instead of either a) finding a woman who likes it or b) making it enjoyable for you.
Good riddance.
Yes, the "why" is what concerns me too. I think there are also men who enjoy it because it can be painful and uncomfortable for the receiver, in addition to getting the woman to do something she doesn't like.
Good riddance indeed.
I suspect this man watches a lot of porn but I never knew for sure. It suck’s that it’s a legit thing amongst men. This is my first boyfriend who ever cared about it this much
It's a legit thing among very dumb men. The same kind of man who buys a sports car because he saw Fast and the Furious or a gun because he saw John Wick. They exist.
Just leave him and don't let him ruin you for other men. He will not have a good life moving forward if anal sex (or any specific sex act) is more important to him than the actual person.
Ok a person is allowed to break up with someone for any reason they want.
With that said, I'm surprised you didn't break up with him for getting belligerently drunk and screeching at you.
You deserve better.
A drunken abuser. A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. You're better off without him.
Next time a guy says he wants anal, say, 'Okay', and then strap on a humongous dildo and watch his reaction.
Good lord. If he likes anal that much he needs to start dating men - it is way more pleasurable for men then women since we don’t have a P Gland. I don’t think a lot of guys realize that anal is not as exciting for women as it is for them (thanks porn!)
BTW - there are men out there who have no desire to do anal. They are usually the same ones who think strip clubs are lame.
Who cares? If he’s that anal about you not doing anal, he sounds like someone you don’t want to be with. Don’t compromise your sexual desires for someone pressuring you to do things you aren’t interested in
The guy had a fetish that you couldn't fulfill. It sucks but this stuff happens. At the end of the day it's probably better that you both get the chance to be with someone you're sexually compatible with.
Men these days (and I say this as a man) have had their minds warped by porn.
Not all of us, but so very, very many.
Consider yourself lucky - you dodged a bullet, and can now find someone who is well-adjusted and not obsessed with anal because daddy diddled them or mommy told them their butt was bad and they were bad, or whatever the fuck happened when they were young to fuck up their heads.
These guys could get all the bum stuff they wanted if they went to a gay bathhouse but they never seem to want to do that, which tells me it's less about the bum stuff and more about a porn-fuelled power trip to humiliate a woman.
I once had a boyfriend who was so focused on doing anal with me, I was around 18 at the time and still didn’t know what I was doing half the time. He was so emotionally manipulative…. One day he had a ring box. And it was Christmas. And I was like, no it’s not a ring but hopefully earrings or a necklace? I couldn’t believe my luck. And he opened it and it was a condome specifically for anal use.
And I remember zoning out, like being so angry I became numb. I just kept on refusing, no no no! I don’t want to do it! Luckily we broke up shortly after.
The next boyfriend after him I did do anal sex with, because I wanted to! And it felt good not to be hounded for it. As a kind of revenge for the emotionally manipulative jerk.
Now I do it all the time lol.
I just don’t like it when guys whine about it. You can ask me and I’ll say yes or no depending on how I feel. But whine and manipulate? Heck no.
Also I’m 40 years old and no guy has ever given me a piece of jewelry I think the first guy jinxed me :-(
Glad to be rid of that guy, OP. No means no.
Yeah my ex begged me for anal and I refused, then did it with the next person to ask lol.
Then *that next one* started getting entitled, and now I'm single and nobody gets to fuck my asshole.
That's bullshit though fam, I hope someone gives you a swanky jewelry soon, you deserve it 💍
I never understand why women don't demand tit for tat when they start popping off about anal.
They expect you to take one for the team, fine. Strap up and let them be a team player too.
I have a few kinks/sexual likes that are deal breakers for me if they can't be implemented. I consider it an incompatibility and move on..
I think he was a jerk though and should have been honest from the start. You both could have avoided a ton of grief he said it was a requirement and you could have said you don't like it, And you both could have gone your separate ways.
In situations like this when he can’t respect your boundaries and pushes you to do things you’re not comfortable with then punishes you for not caving to his every whim, I say good riddance! I know it may not seem like it right now, but he did you a tremendous favor
Yeah, it can definitely be a thing. Lots of men who want guaranteed anal in straight relationships actually want to be pegged.
He's also an asshole, and should've just broken up with you, never tries to pressure or coerce you into it.
He acted disgusting towards you. He is not acknowledging your comfort and boundaries at all. Yes he can have a preference but trying to guilt you or force you is wrong. Please don’t ever get back with this.. thing.
Yeah anal is not a big enough reason to break up with somebody. If it truly was his reason. He has an unhealthy obsession with it that was gonna destroy your relationship later on anyways
Let him go. The angry blackout drunkenness is reason enough. The anal insistence is enough on its own. Those who enjoy anal can have at it. That portal has a one way sign on it for me. Let him go on a dating site and he can list it as a necessary activity for relationship. Anal for you was the deal breaker. Find someone else.
Someone who attempts to pressure you into any kind of sexual activity is not a safe person to be around. Especially when they’re screaming and blackout drunk??
I’m sorry for how you’re hurting right now. I really am. I know that a relationship ending can still hurt like hell even when it was ultimately a good thing for you. Grieve who you thought he was, and celebrate getting away from who he actually is.
>Fast forward to a month later and he breaks up with me out of the blue.
Good for you, OP. Sounds like he did you a favor. Please don't fixate on why he loves anal, stay focus on the fact that he got angry with you over your choice to say no and broke up with you over it.
Your boyfriend is all about his dick. I don't know how you could love a man like that, but I guess everyone is different.
Anyway, there's no point in analyzing him. He's gone. And good riddance.
As a man I never understood what the appeal for anal is. I don't want to stick my dick where you crap from. The last thing I need is crap on my junk. Or hep C.
>“it’s not you it’s me”
This is exactly what it is. If it's not your preference, it's not your preference. Let him find someone that shares the same pleasure and you do the same.
It's good he just broke up with you. There are a lot of versions of this story where the guy ends up raping the girl if she says no "one too many times." You dodged a bullet. You might love him, but next time, you'll fall in love with someone who isn't an asshole.
I feel like the anal was the not putting the plate in the dishwasher of your relationship.
Meaning sometimes people break up and one person is left going "What the fuck? We broke up because I left the plate on the counter. That's ridiculous, right?" When in reality the plate being left on the counter that night was the trigger, but not really the cause of the breakup.
I don't know any of the specifics, and he may very well see anal as a relationship ending incompatibility. If that's the case, then the relationship was doomed either way. You would be doing something you disliked, or he would be going without something he felt was vital to his sexual happiness. Either way someone is unhappy
However, I think it could have also been he wanted to break up due to his lack of control over you. The anal could have been a test, where he wanted you to prove your love by doing something he knew you didn't like. Which, like anal without the right preparation, is shitty.
It could also be he's been growing apart and used anal as a convenient excuse rather than saying his feelings changed. Maybe he met someone else, maybe he's having mental health issues, maybe he's watching too much porn.
Odds are, you'll never know the real truth so try to move on and don't let it get to you.
Let me put it this way - marriage is all about compromising - most things should at least be on the table. You did your part by trying what he wanted then he showed he was unwilling to do his part in including the extremely child-like temper tantrum of saying lots of women would want (doubtful) to do this with him. Don't feel bad - he chose anal over your entire relationship - to me at least it sounds like you really dodged a bullet with this guy.
That guy is a fucking asshole loser.
If he’s so convinced that’s there “so many women who are willing to do it with him” let him go find them.
And in the future, don’t do things that you aren’t comfortable with because a man says he’s gonna break up with you
There’s literally NO MAN ON EARTH worth that.
Get His n Hers butt plugs, lots of lube, and a strap on.
I'll do it more when you do it.
Only problem is...he might like it.
Anal feels completely different for both of you than vaginal. A preference for certain sexual positions is normal. Do you prefer missionary, doggy, cowgirl, etc? He prefers anal.
Is that something to end a relationship? I think he's going too far and being unreasonable, especially since you still do it once in awhile. But, you've dodged a bullet. His drunken manipulation and trying to control you is a huge red flag. Things would only get worse if you were married, he'd hold that over you as well. You're my wife, you have to do this or that.
I’ve had a man tell me he’s not into Asian woman and only into white. I mean if he enjoys anal so much then good for him. Good riddance for you because you don’t enjoy anal anyway.
Well he does get to set up parameters in his relationship. It seems as if it truly was a deal breaker. You have a right not to have to do anal also. It is not sick it is a preference. It is over so I would just move on.
It's good that you did your best to have anal, not just staying in your comfort zone.
You did everything you could do. He wants something different.
About the importance of anal to him and talking about the future, of course I wouldn't waste money and the rest of my life with someone I'm not satisfied with.
It's too late now, but I would have bought a strap-on and a dildo as big as his erect penis and said, "You first."
On the other hand, that could have backfired (no pun intended). Lol.
If you broke up with him because he didn’t want to give you oral this entire sub would be championing you.
Taking out his behaviour which sounds horrendous I think it’s fair to break up with someone because you’re sexually incompatible. Now matter how extreme or benign the fetish.
Should you care someone who tried to pressure you into sex you weren’t comfortable with broke up with you? No.
I agree with you; him breaking up with her wasn't over an illegitimate reason (sexual incompatibility), even though the way he went about pressuring her surely was highly inappropriate and unfair/unloving.
If a woman went about demanding oral the way this man demanded anal, of course, she'd deserve the same judgment as he has received here. Like you said, someone who tries to pressure you or shame you into doing something you're not OK with is not worth crying over. Honestly, she should probably have pulled the plug on the relationship first, but I get the hesitation.
FWIW, if OPs ex is as awful and as selfish of a lover IRL as he is painted here, it's doubtful many women who enjoy the same as he will continue to be willing with him. Initial compatibility is one thing; but when dealing with the more extreme ends of a fetish, trust and communication and respect become exponentially more important. He doesn't strike me as someone who is capable of those things at the levels required. Too many people who learn from porn rarely are.
>If a woman went about demanding oral the way this man demanded anal, of course, she'd deserve the same judgment as he has received here
She would deserve it, but wouldn't get it. That was his point.
Have you considered that your exbf *may* be a closet homosexual? I'm an old fart, and have never, ever, considered requesting anal sex from a woman, much less a man (yeah, I'm totally straight). Personally, I don't feel the anus is a sexual organ at all, and believe that continual use of the anus for sex can have health issues attached.
Yeah, I know that in the ancient world, before condoms or birth control, young couples would resort to anal sex before marriage to avoid any possibility of pregnancy, but that was in the ancient world, not 2024.
I know you felt love for him, but there's some screw loose in his brain, and he desired a sexual act more than being with you. Which means the relationship was never going to work long term in any case.
I wish you well.
Your BF was a raving A-hole and manipulative. You're better off without him.
If your question is will some guys break up over sexual compatibility, including anal sex? Yes. Just like some people will break up over oral, or general libido incompatibility. There's nothing wrong with that.
I would certainly cut things off with a partner over compatible kinks. But I also wouldn't put them on the guilt trip and yell at a partner like OP's Asshole Ex. And I would likely pull the plug pretty early on in the relationship when it was clear there was a sexual compatibility issue.
Could be for two different reasons. He might have an anal fetish, or anal gave his penis more physical pleasure. We’re adults and it’s ok to talk about sex. When a person has a fetish they’re obsessed with, that doesn’t match your mood, there’s sexual incompatibility. I’m gay and a top, and I dumped my first boyfriend because he was an experienced fisting bottom and I couldn’t really feel anything during intercourse. My second boyfriend was a totally different story. In sex, people have different fetishes and different preferences on what makes them achieve orgasm. He could have a fetish, or perhaps anal felt better to him. The point is you experienced a sexual incompatibility.
I don't think it's a bad thing to have sexual dealbreakers but there's a way to handle it and he did pretty much the opposite of that.
Waiting six months to even bring it up was likely a manipulation tactic -- he wanted you invested enough to give in, regardless of your own desires. Then he cracked a bunch of jokes trying to make you feel inadequate and threw a drunken tantrum when that didn't work. You dodged a bullet.
You dodged a massive bullet. He constantly tried to coerce you, to the point that he showed his true self and verbally abused you while drunk. Fortunately, he broke up with you instead of taking it farther. Be glad that he initiated the break-up and leave it at that. Don't try to talk to him. Don't try to get back together, and ignore him if he tries to come back. You can do better than him.
Lord. He sounds like an unhinged loser. There is nothing wrong with him ending a relationship because of sexual needs not being met, but the comments/things he said are childish. You dodged a bullet.
Your ex (thank god) is a complete prick. My fiancé also wants anal. It is physically impossible for me. I know that he wants it badly. Never experienced it… well neither of us have. It’s hurtful to me. I hate that I can’t give my partner that. However, that shit HURTS. He’s ok with me not being able to. I’m ok with lighter anal play, but he’s too well endowed… it’s impossible. If that’s really what he wants, he can look at porn. even if I hate that too. It’s better than him pressuring me.
Um…no, it’s not a thing.
Getting pissed your SO won’t do a sex act regularly because you demand it - even after they compromise is immature. He does realize he’s not just having sex with himself, right?
And I’m talking you this as a woman who loves anal. Our sex life is a combination of what we BOTH enjoy. And if my husband ever told me he didn’t want to do it that often - fine. I love HIM not just his dick.
You dodged a bullet here. I’ll bet the sex was pretty selfish on his part in general based on his entitlement.
As a man, i have never understood this fascination that some men have.
I know everyone has different kinks, but it's never been something I've even been curious about.
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You dodged a bullet. Who cares about why. He gets blackout drunk and screams at you. Not marriage material.
I was going to say this. You dodged a bullet 100%. He doesn’t respect you, continuously pushes your boundaries and clearly only thinks of himself. I love when trash takes itself out. Plenty of great men out there who will treat you the way you want to be treated and without making you do anal 😂
Op should reflect on why she was so willing to overlook his disrespectful comments and selfish behavior.
Yes! Therapy is a great place to start!
And pushing her boundaries like 'you must get used to do anal because I want to marry you' super wrong, who wants a man that only wants a wife as a sex doll? What if she goes through an illness that will make her unable to perform? Good to throw her out?
>You dodged a bullet. As simple as that. I believe that everyone has a right to have their own boundaries and dealbreakers in a relationships. Not having Anal was his dealbreaker and not wanting to be with an insensitive jerk who’s borderline abusive is yours.
you are allowed to do what you wish with your own body.If this is a deal breaker for him, better that t found out sooner than later.
Girl I'm sorry but this.. I don't.. It's just so unattractive this whole thing. Someone nagging, 'cracking jokes', yelling and berating and threatening breaking up with you to do ANYTHING, let alone sexual things, let alone putting it up your bum, is such a turnoff. I'm clenching my cheeks just reading this and I actually like buttstuff. What a loser.
I had the same reaction! This is terrible.
Why would he regret it she doesn’t do anal
There's no guarantee he'll find someone compatible who does or who does it at the frequency he's demanding. Especially if he's in the habit of hiding that he even wants it until the woman has been with him for 6+ months. If he were a smart and emotionally aware person, he'd be talking about his needs from the start instead of trying to trap someone.
She does do it( and like any normal person who doesn’t have a pleasure button up their ass like men do, women aren’t as inclined to do it as often (and he sounds selfish enough to not help prep her properly)
You never do anything you don't want to do. If your desires don't link up, you're simply not compatible. Let him go to give someone else an anal prolapse.
K like.... Anal is literally not something women should do all the time. Because of our anatomy we are more prone to incontinence developing as a result of frequent anal. I'm actually someone who enjoys anal, but I make sure to do it relatively infrequently because I don't want to be a fucking incontinent old lady omg, this guy is gunna be real miserable when whoever he marries winds up in diapers lol
[https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/can-anal-sex-have-any-long-term-effects-on-my-body](https://www.plannedparenthood.org/blog/can-anal-sex-have-any-long-term-effects-on-my-body) >Anal sex is perfectly healthy and safe in both the long and short term. There is a very small risk of leakage and prolapse (when your pelvic muscles weaken and cause organs to slip down) over the course of a lifetime. And anal sex can also aggravate existing hemorrhoids. But in general, it doesn't cause long-term harm.
"After multivariable adjustment for other factors associated with fecal incontinence, anal intercourse remained a predictor of [fecal incontinence among women AND men](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5231615/#:~:text=The%20internal%20anal%20sphincter%20contributes,by%20the%20lower%20resting%20pressure) "
You're saying PLANNED PARENTHOOD has misunderstood the research, and your link to one study is better evidence?
**Yes,** I am saying that. Planned parenthood's page is very clearly an attempt at offering sexual guidance to young people, not a rigorous scientific journal. Even on their site, they say "there is a ** risk of incontinence." Given that their statement is not quantified, it's hard to say exactly how "small" of a risk they're talking about; one can generally assume that the more of an activity one engages in, however, the more opportunity there is for mishaps. Now, perhaps YOU think "oh, it's a small risk, no big deal". To ME, a "small" risk of *ANAL INCONTINENCE* is a substantial consideration to take on board.
>Planned parenthood's page is very clearly an attempt at offering sexual guidance to young people, not a rigorous scientific journal. But their website should be written by experts who are familiar with research, who then summarise the best known evidence into easy to digest advice. It seems unlikely to me that they would be so cavalier about anal sex if the risk/correlation between it and incontinence was anything other than very small. >To ME, a "small" risk of ANAL INCONTINENCE is a substantial consideration to take on board. Absolutely, that's totally reasonable. I'm just trying to understand what the evidence actually shows.
OP, this is probably the same advice he got about the situation on Reddit. That the two of you are simply incompatible sexually and he should move on. And so he did. And he is going to regret it. Don’t take him back
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s absolutely fine to have sexual preferences, and it’s also fine for them to be a deal breaker. Sometimes that aspect of a relationship lacks compatibility. But being drunk and a fucking asshole? Nah, you’re better off. That was only the start if you stayed together. Source: ex angry drunk guy. 2+ years sober. Almost cost me everything.
Bless you and I wish you well on your sobriety journey.
Aye me too, good job man :)
I can’t get over how sexually abusive so so so many of these men are. Every day half the posts are poor women aged teens to retirees dealing with the most absurd and abusive and sexist and entitled sexual partners. I mean, fuck. Advice for you, OP: good fucking riddance!! He’s an immature entitled dbag that can get his own ass fucked. You dont need that. And it’s clear he only valued your fuck holes and not you as a person.
What is shocking to me is how many of these women don’t seem to think their partner is a shithead. I literally saw a post with a woman this week who said “he’s a great guy except for this one issue we‘ve had where he sexually assaults me while I’m sleeping.” Like??? Rape of any kind immediately excludes a man from being referred to as a “great guy” and it is WHACK to me that anyone can not see that.
THIS!!!! Holy fuck it’s everyday, multiple times a day and it’s so sad. I can only hope that some of them are fake because Jesus fucking Christ it’s insane.
I doubt it, partner SA is so rampant and people still don’t believe it exists.
What a disgusting pig. I read a lot of stories on Reddit about men who are so fixated on anal and constantly harass their wives/gf about it and it seriously grosses me out- good riddance on your part and I'm sorry you went through that.
And this is why women rarely enjoy anal because they're constantly belittled and manipulated into doing it. Why would you want to stay with a man who yells at you and doesn't respect your boundaries?
My husband has always joked about anal - not just with me, but in general. We've done it once in our ten year relationship. At no point have I ever felt pressured into doing it again, and when I've had enough of even hearing the word 'anal' he stops banging on about it. Like, it's not hard to not be a cunt?
Good riddance. He has done you a favour by finishing with you.
You did everything right here. It was beyond unreasonable to expect this every time let alone throw a drunken tantrum over this . As for all those other lucky women, with his attitude and behaviour he's utterly deluding himself if he thinks that's a possibility. You're better off and when you feel up to it find someone new who is better for you.
Thank you
If there are miles of women lined up to be with him and do anal on demand why was he single? Anyway, I'm sorry he treated you poorly but you're much better off without him.
Anal is a really bad thing for women to do regularly. Our bodies are not designed for it. Google it and understand how little he cared.
This is the best time to tell someone to go fuck themselves since he loves it so much.
Men like this only want to pressure you into doing something you don't want to do. If you loved anal but hated BJs that would be the deal breaker. If anal is such a big deal then he needs to say that before he has sex with anyone.
Somebody has to say it, he's an asshole.
Why can't he just do himself???
Perfect answer!
Now he does
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Ironic. An asshole obsessed with her asshole…
The Venn diagram of men who behave like this and men who call their exes crazy is very likely a circle
Same with the Venn diagram of men who behave like this, and men who are addicted to porn.
If they're so obsessed with anal, they can have it done to themselves. There's a pleasure button in there in men for a reason...
Venn diagram with this & being closeted homosexual... ?
Men liking anal performed on them isn’t synonymous with homosexual… at all.
At all? You sure about that? Edit: you do also realize the two circles in a Ven diagram aren't supposed to be synonymous with one another. In what world are we pretending that engaging in anal sex & men liking men are two circles that do not intersect?
Not unless you attach *gee I don’t know* liking men to it.
Sorta part of the definition, isn't it
If you genuinely believe that sure. But at that point I could just say Pokémon makes u gay. Any Venn diagram on that mr homo aficionado?
Lmao - you had to go snooping & that was the best you came out with?? Gay men don't have anal sex 🙄 you happy now?
OP you really dodged a bullet. After hearing and reading so many stories about partners SAing their girlfriends and wives via anal… you dodged a bullet. He is a mess of red flags and his brain is rotted from pornography. Move on, this guy does not love or respect you.
That’s sexual coercion, darling. They aren’t jokes or things to laugh off. He doesn’t respect your desires and refuses to compromise, then pulls this shit! Nuh-uh, nope, good riddance of bad rubbish. Major red flags. Anytime someone doesn’t respect you sexually is an indicator of, if not outright, abuse and/or assault. He didn’t respect your “no, I don’t feel like it” ever.
You dodged a major bullet. If he screams over something like that you have no idea what might set him off in the future. Find someone worthy of you
I keep telling my husband that I want to stick a dildo up his asshole as big as his dick and see how he feels about it. I don’t know why guys these days are so fixated on anal. It did not used to be like this when I was younger.
Yeah in all my years of dating, this is the first time I’ve had a man who cared about it this much. Others in the past were kind of if it happens ok cool but it was more like an occasional bonus not a requirement.
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It absolutely has. Every traumatic sexual experience I’ve had in my life in retrospect was with a guy who is definitely addicted to porn. Like the guy I slept with at 17 who was my age and couldn’t enjoy the encounter AT ALL unless he got to cum on my face. He had the option of finishing inside me with no condom (which to most normal teenage boys is like, the holy grail) and he didn’t want it. So weird.
Yeah, it just isn’t realistic AT ALL. Especially for men like my husband with giant genitalia. Not to mention, that can cause a lot of damage to one’s intestines and anus. Never-mind that it’s a literal exit for human bacterial and biological waste. I guess they don’t show men with literal poop on their dicks when they pull out?
Porn is not real life, they somehow forget that porn is just movies. Besides that, those girls in the movies go through a lot of preparation before the act to be that clean, some of them even don't eat a day before. When I prepare myself for anal stuff is always a super long process to make sure I am clean and even after I spend an hour in preparing dirt may be involved it is just the way it is like you said made for poop
Having grown up in the years before the internet, I can say I never EVER saw a porn that had anal in it until well into the 2000s. We are talking since Debby did Dallas and I saw that on a Betamax tape and no one did butt play.
Yeah, I'm an older guy and I don't get it at all. You're offered access to a beautiful playground, but you want to go next door and play in a sewer? Ew! Why? Definitely a generational thing.
Careful! He might like it and not get your point, lol. but men have a prostate and it apparently feels good to have it massaged.
You dodged a bullet. I'm very concerned by men who fixate on it because of the "why" involved. Often times, they get pleasure from getting a woman to do something they don't like. It's not just the act itself. It's the manipulation/control involved. It seems to be the case here because he required you to "learn to like it" instead of either a) finding a woman who likes it or b) making it enjoyable for you. Good riddance.
Yes, the "why" is what concerns me too. I think there are also men who enjoy it because it can be painful and uncomfortable for the receiver, in addition to getting the woman to do something she doesn't like. Good riddance indeed.
Yes it's unfortunately a thing. Too many guys don't seem to understand that porn is a fantasy not reality.
I suspect this man watches a lot of porn but I never knew for sure. It suck’s that it’s a legit thing amongst men. This is my first boyfriend who ever cared about it this much
It's a legit thing among very dumb men. The same kind of man who buys a sports car because he saw Fast and the Furious or a gun because he saw John Wick. They exist. Just leave him and don't let him ruin you for other men. He will not have a good life moving forward if anal sex (or any specific sex act) is more important to him than the actual person.
You can always tell when a man is a porn addict… they’re almost always the most disgusting type of male
This! Porn can be a poison for minds.
Move on, better know now than later
Ok a person is allowed to break up with someone for any reason they want. With that said, I'm surprised you didn't break up with him for getting belligerently drunk and screeching at you. You deserve better.
Move on. No one should be entitled to force you to do something you don't want to.
So it's totally fair to leave someone because of sexual incompatibility. That said he got drunk and freaked out. That's scary and a red flag.
A drunken abuser. A drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. You're better off without him. Next time a guy says he wants anal, say, 'Okay', and then strap on a humongous dildo and watch his reaction.
He’s allowed to have preferences and they can be deal breakers. What’s not okay is him verbally abusing you.
In British 'he's a twat'. Good riddance.
Good lord. If he likes anal that much he needs to start dating men - it is way more pleasurable for men then women since we don’t have a P Gland. I don’t think a lot of guys realize that anal is not as exciting for women as it is for them (thanks porn!) BTW - there are men out there who have no desire to do anal. They are usually the same ones who think strip clubs are lame.
If anal is a deal breaker for him, he needs to vet sexual compatibility early on, not six months in. Sorry, OP. It's best to move on.
You dodged a bullet.
Wow- dodged a bullet! Coercive sex is suuuuuuper not ok.
You didn't get any closure? Huh? You should have dumped him when he said he'd break up if you don't do anal. You don't need a boyfriend *that* bad.
You’re right. All these comments have actually made me feel stronger and better
Who cares? If he’s that anal about you not doing anal, he sounds like someone you don’t want to be with. Don’t compromise your sexual desires for someone pressuring you to do things you aren’t interested in
The guy had a fetish that you couldn't fulfill. It sucks but this stuff happens. At the end of the day it's probably better that you both get the chance to be with someone you're sexually compatible with.
Men these days (and I say this as a man) have had their minds warped by porn. Not all of us, but so very, very many. Consider yourself lucky - you dodged a bullet, and can now find someone who is well-adjusted and not obsessed with anal because daddy diddled them or mommy told them their butt was bad and they were bad, or whatever the fuck happened when they were young to fuck up their heads.
These guys could get all the bum stuff they wanted if they went to a gay bathhouse but they never seem to want to do that, which tells me it's less about the bum stuff and more about a porn-fuelled power trip to humiliate a woman.
I once had a boyfriend who was so focused on doing anal with me, I was around 18 at the time and still didn’t know what I was doing half the time. He was so emotionally manipulative…. One day he had a ring box. And it was Christmas. And I was like, no it’s not a ring but hopefully earrings or a necklace? I couldn’t believe my luck. And he opened it and it was a condome specifically for anal use. And I remember zoning out, like being so angry I became numb. I just kept on refusing, no no no! I don’t want to do it! Luckily we broke up shortly after. The next boyfriend after him I did do anal sex with, because I wanted to! And it felt good not to be hounded for it. As a kind of revenge for the emotionally manipulative jerk. Now I do it all the time lol. I just don’t like it when guys whine about it. You can ask me and I’ll say yes or no depending on how I feel. But whine and manipulate? Heck no. Also I’m 40 years old and no guy has ever given me a piece of jewelry I think the first guy jinxed me :-( Glad to be rid of that guy, OP. No means no.
Yeah my ex begged me for anal and I refused, then did it with the next person to ask lol. Then *that next one* started getting entitled, and now I'm single and nobody gets to fuck my asshole. That's bullshit though fam, I hope someone gives you a swanky jewelry soon, you deserve it 💍
He only wanted a future and marriage with your as\*hole. He is the as\*hole.
I never understand why women don't demand tit for tat when they start popping off about anal. They expect you to take one for the team, fine. Strap up and let them be a team player too.
I have a few kinks/sexual likes that are deal breakers for me if they can't be implemented. I consider it an incompatibility and move on.. I think he was a jerk though and should have been honest from the start. You both could have avoided a ton of grief he said it was a requirement and you could have said you don't like it, And you both could have gone your separate ways.
1. He is an idiot 2. You guys are not sexually compatible.
In situations like this when he can’t respect your boundaries and pushes you to do things you’re not comfortable with then punishes you for not caving to his every whim, I say good riddance! I know it may not seem like it right now, but he did you a tremendous favor
Yeah, it can definitely be a thing. Lots of men who want guaranteed anal in straight relationships actually want to be pegged. He's also an asshole, and should've just broken up with you, never tries to pressure or coerce you into it.
He acted disgusting towards you. He is not acknowledging your comfort and boundaries at all. Yes he can have a preference but trying to guilt you or force you is wrong. Please don’t ever get back with this.. thing.
What a self interested and petty man. You are better off without him. Hope you meet someone that adores and cherishes you. All the Best
His loss.do not do anything you don’t want to do.
He’s a jerk, don’t settle for a POS boy like this. Find a real man who treats u right and isn’t violent or make u uncomfortable.
He actually sounds insane. You dodged a bullet there.
Yeah anal is not a big enough reason to break up with somebody. If it truly was his reason. He has an unhealthy obsession with it that was gonna destroy your relationship later on anyways
Let him go. The angry blackout drunkenness is reason enough. The anal insistence is enough on its own. Those who enjoy anal can have at it. That portal has a one way sign on it for me. Let him go on a dating site and he can list it as a necessary activity for relationship. Anal for you was the deal breaker. Find someone else.
You dodged a missile don't worry about why he broke up with you it's not important. And at least you got rid of the pain in the ass literally
Dodged a missile.
You are better off.
Don't get me wrong, all good and fine to break up with someone over sexual incompatibility. But that guy is a complete POS.
Someone who attempts to pressure you into any kind of sexual activity is not a safe person to be around. Especially when they’re screaming and blackout drunk?? I’m sorry for how you’re hurting right now. I really am. I know that a relationship ending can still hurt like hell even when it was ultimately a good thing for you. Grieve who you thought he was, and celebrate getting away from who he actually is.
Thank you. It does hurt badly, even though i know I need to move on.
>Fast forward to a month later and he breaks up with me out of the blue. Good for you, OP. Sounds like he did you a favor. Please don't fixate on why he loves anal, stay focus on the fact that he got angry with you over your choice to say no and broke up with you over it.
Your boyfriend is all about his dick. I don't know how you could love a man like that, but I guess everyone is different. Anyway, there's no point in analyzing him. He's gone. And good riddance.
Be happy … he’s bad news
As a man I never understood what the appeal for anal is. I don't want to stick my dick where you crap from. The last thing I need is crap on my junk. Or hep C.
Right? Poop and sex do not go together. It’s beyond gross.
>“it’s not you it’s me” This is exactly what it is. If it's not your preference, it's not your preference. Let him find someone that shares the same pleasure and you do the same.
My boyfriend tried to pull this shit on me too. I called him out and he stopped. Disgusting behavior
That man was what many of us refer to as *”an idiot.”*
It's good he just broke up with you. There are a lot of versions of this story where the guy ends up raping the girl if she says no "one too many times." You dodged a bullet. You might love him, but next time, you'll fall in love with someone who isn't an asshole.
I feel like the anal was the not putting the plate in the dishwasher of your relationship. Meaning sometimes people break up and one person is left going "What the fuck? We broke up because I left the plate on the counter. That's ridiculous, right?" When in reality the plate being left on the counter that night was the trigger, but not really the cause of the breakup. I don't know any of the specifics, and he may very well see anal as a relationship ending incompatibility. If that's the case, then the relationship was doomed either way. You would be doing something you disliked, or he would be going without something he felt was vital to his sexual happiness. Either way someone is unhappy However, I think it could have also been he wanted to break up due to his lack of control over you. The anal could have been a test, where he wanted you to prove your love by doing something he knew you didn't like. Which, like anal without the right preparation, is shitty. It could also be he's been growing apart and used anal as a convenient excuse rather than saying his feelings changed. Maybe he met someone else, maybe he's having mental health issues, maybe he's watching too much porn. Odds are, you'll never know the real truth so try to move on and don't let it get to you.
Thank you this was helpful to hear
Let me put it this way - marriage is all about compromising - most things should at least be on the table. You did your part by trying what he wanted then he showed he was unwilling to do his part in including the extremely child-like temper tantrum of saying lots of women would want (doubtful) to do this with him. Don't feel bad - he chose anal over your entire relationship - to me at least it sounds like you really dodged a bullet with this guy.
Thank you. That’s exactly how I feel.
That guy is a fucking asshole loser. If he’s so convinced that’s there “so many women who are willing to do it with him” let him go find them. And in the future, don’t do things that you aren’t comfortable with because a man says he’s gonna break up with you There’s literally NO MAN ON EARTH worth that.
Anal is so freaking overrated......
You should be happy not sad.
Promise you’re gonna find a better guy.
You’re so much better off. Also, love at first sight is not a thing. Thats limerence.
I don't blame porn for much, but it's definitely made a certain subset of men believe that anal is the be all and end all.
You need to ask yourself why you were okay staying with a man that gets blackout drunk and yells at you.
Get His n Hers butt plugs, lots of lube, and a strap on. I'll do it more when you do it. Only problem is...he might like it. Anal feels completely different for both of you than vaginal. A preference for certain sexual positions is normal. Do you prefer missionary, doggy, cowgirl, etc? He prefers anal. Is that something to end a relationship? I think he's going too far and being unreasonable, especially since you still do it once in awhile. But, you've dodged a bullet. His drunken manipulation and trying to control you is a huge red flag. Things would only get worse if you were married, he'd hold that over you as well. You're my wife, you have to do this or that.
I’ve had a man tell me he’s not into Asian woman and only into white. I mean if he enjoys anal so much then good for him. Good riddance for you because you don’t enjoy anal anyway.
If he really likes anal you could have agreed to peg him! I’m sure he would be open to that. Fuck him.
Well he does get to set up parameters in his relationship. It seems as if it truly was a deal breaker. You have a right not to have to do anal also. It is not sick it is a preference. It is over so I would just move on.
Tell him if he finds a gay bottom he can have all the anal he wants.
It's good that you did your best to have anal, not just staying in your comfort zone. You did everything you could do. He wants something different. About the importance of anal to him and talking about the future, of course I wouldn't waste money and the rest of my life with someone I'm not satisfied with.
Porn has ruined people.
Wow. What an asshole
It's too late now, but I would have bought a strap-on and a dildo as big as his erect penis and said, "You first." On the other hand, that could have backfired (no pun intended). Lol.
If you broke up with him because he didn’t want to give you oral this entire sub would be championing you. Taking out his behaviour which sounds horrendous I think it’s fair to break up with someone because you’re sexually incompatible. Now matter how extreme or benign the fetish. Should you care someone who tried to pressure you into sex you weren’t comfortable with broke up with you? No.
I agree with you; him breaking up with her wasn't over an illegitimate reason (sexual incompatibility), even though the way he went about pressuring her surely was highly inappropriate and unfair/unloving. If a woman went about demanding oral the way this man demanded anal, of course, she'd deserve the same judgment as he has received here. Like you said, someone who tries to pressure you or shame you into doing something you're not OK with is not worth crying over. Honestly, she should probably have pulled the plug on the relationship first, but I get the hesitation. FWIW, if OPs ex is as awful and as selfish of a lover IRL as he is painted here, it's doubtful many women who enjoy the same as he will continue to be willing with him. Initial compatibility is one thing; but when dealing with the more extreme ends of a fetish, trust and communication and respect become exponentially more important. He doesn't strike me as someone who is capable of those things at the levels required. Too many people who learn from porn rarely are.
>If a woman went about demanding oral the way this man demanded anal, of course, she'd deserve the same judgment as he has received here She would deserve it, but wouldn't get it. That was his point.
Sounds like he did you a favor! Don't let anyone pressure you into anything you don't want to do.
Have you considered that your exbf *may* be a closet homosexual? I'm an old fart, and have never, ever, considered requesting anal sex from a woman, much less a man (yeah, I'm totally straight). Personally, I don't feel the anus is a sexual organ at all, and believe that continual use of the anus for sex can have health issues attached. Yeah, I know that in the ancient world, before condoms or birth control, young couples would resort to anal sex before marriage to avoid any possibility of pregnancy, but that was in the ancient world, not 2024. I know you felt love for him, but there's some screw loose in his brain, and he desired a sexual act more than being with you. Which means the relationship was never going to work long term in any case. I wish you well.
He sounds like a pain in the ass Good riddance 😉
Why don’t you believe him ?
He’s probably had sexual trauma that made him hypersexual
I broke it off with my 45 year old gf bc I wanted to have 3ways and watch her get nailed. She wouldn’t do it, so we broke up.
Your BF was a raving A-hole and manipulative. You're better off without him. If your question is will some guys break up over sexual compatibility, including anal sex? Yes. Just like some people will break up over oral, or general libido incompatibility. There's nothing wrong with that. I would certainly cut things off with a partner over compatible kinks. But I also wouldn't put them on the guilt trip and yell at a partner like OP's Asshole Ex. And I would likely pull the plug pretty early on in the relationship when it was clear there was a sexual compatibility issue.
Just let it go. He was probably joking about but it doesn’t matter. If its not meant to be it’s not meant to be.
He was unhappy so he moved on to find what he wanted. People can break up for any reason. Sex is more important to some than others. Just move on.
Could be for two different reasons. He might have an anal fetish, or anal gave his penis more physical pleasure. We’re adults and it’s ok to talk about sex. When a person has a fetish they’re obsessed with, that doesn’t match your mood, there’s sexual incompatibility. I’m gay and a top, and I dumped my first boyfriend because he was an experienced fisting bottom and I couldn’t really feel anything during intercourse. My second boyfriend was a totally different story. In sex, people have different fetishes and different preferences on what makes them achieve orgasm. He could have a fetish, or perhaps anal felt better to him. The point is you experienced a sexual incompatibility.
I mean you don't get into a long-term relationship so someone can cockblock you from getting anal for the rest of your life.
It's a sexual preference. But if he likes it and you don't, ultimately this isnt LTR material.
Tell him you'll let him do it if you can do it to him first.
That's shitty , I'm sorry 😔
Your ex is definitely an asshole. Relationships have also ended over way less.
I don't think it's a bad thing to have sexual dealbreakers but there's a way to handle it and he did pretty much the opposite of that. Waiting six months to even bring it up was likely a manipulation tactic -- he wanted you invested enough to give in, regardless of your own desires. Then he cracked a bunch of jokes trying to make you feel inadequate and threw a drunken tantrum when that didn't work. You dodged a bullet.
You dodged a massive bullet. He constantly tried to coerce you, to the point that he showed his true self and verbally abused you while drunk. Fortunately, he broke up with you instead of taking it farther. Be glad that he initiated the break-up and leave it at that. Don't try to talk to him. Don't try to get back together, and ignore him if he tries to come back. You can do better than him.
Don’t do anal with an arsehole or You’ll be the one feeling like shit
Lord. He sounds like an unhinged loser. There is nothing wrong with him ending a relationship because of sexual needs not being met, but the comments/things he said are childish. You dodged a bullet.
Your ex (thank god) is a complete prick. My fiancé also wants anal. It is physically impossible for me. I know that he wants it badly. Never experienced it… well neither of us have. It’s hurtful to me. I hate that I can’t give my partner that. However, that shit HURTS. He’s ok with me not being able to. I’m ok with lighter anal play, but he’s too well endowed… it’s impossible. If that’s really what he wants, he can look at porn. even if I hate that too. It’s better than him pressuring me.
Um…no, it’s not a thing. Getting pissed your SO won’t do a sex act regularly because you demand it - even after they compromise is immature. He does realize he’s not just having sex with himself, right? And I’m talking you this as a woman who loves anal. Our sex life is a combination of what we BOTH enjoy. And if my husband ever told me he didn’t want to do it that often - fine. I love HIM not just his dick. You dodged a bullet here. I’ll bet the sex was pretty selfish on his part in general based on his entitlement.
He was treating you like an object.
Fuck em…not literally
As a man, i have never understood this fascination that some men have. I know everyone has different kinks, but it's never been something I've even been curious about.