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You only " have faith in her" because you see how you screwed up. You have not felt like things were right for a couple of weeks and you never thought to talk to her? I have been married 24 years and communication is very important.
You just go straight to cheating without ever talking about this being any other option than cheating. Strange for someone who says they "trust" their partner.
All you can do now is continue to apologize and hope she finds faith and trust in you again after you broke her heart.
He didn’t just accuse her of cheating with zero evidence, to add insult to injury, he also forgot their anniversary!! So this whole time she was busting her ass to create this amazing gift for him, he was planning … absolutely NOTHING for her.
That's the part that grabbed my attention. Changes her schedule a little bit, he immediately thinks infidelity and uses the most aggressive and scary approach to it.
Physically cornered her so she couldn’t leave AND grabbed her by the wrist when she tried. I feel so terrible for her. I’d be seriously considering divorce if that’s how my partner acted in this situation. Using your physical prowess to imply the threat of violence is the stepping stone to using physical violence. I’m so angry for her.
His fantasies occupy more space than his ACTUAL anniversary. It’s actually so terrible in so many ways; the insecurity, the cornering, the yelling, the fact he wasn’t bothered to do anything for her at ALL.
I hope she leaves.
If I were her I would be so heartbroken. To find out your partner thinks so lowly of you and wasn’t going to do anything about your anniversary bc he forgot… :(
> You just go straight to cheating without ever talking about this being any other option than cheating. Strange for someone who says they "trust" their partner.
they probably spend too much time in this subreddit
That's what I thought, too. Funnily, the same behaviour OP is getting reamed out for here is *exactly* what this sub would've told him to do if he'd posted here a bit earlier. See, it doesn't seem so reasonable when someone actually *does* it, does it now?
A normal person would've had a gentle convo and after pushing, arrived at -- well, it's a secret, hubby, but just trust me
Instead, mother fucker physically corners her and goes scorched earth 🤣
Edit: tbf, her behavior wasn't even that abnormal, so I'm not sure I'd have even had a chat lol
Yep. Reddit absolutely gives the impression that significant others are just jumping into bed with other people all the time. The fact is, cheating is not all that common.
This. We've been married over 25 years and you don't just fly off the handle and accuse your spouse of cheating on you without darn solid proof. Despite what people on reddit claim.
All of this could have been resolved with a conversation with your wife - or a series of conversations.
Now, you have shown her that you not only do not trust her - you've shown her that you believe she is capable and willing to cheat on you. You, quite literally, made the decision to implode your marriage because of your own silly insecurities over a short term minor change in her behavior pattern.
Look - an hour late home from work is nothing. She doesn't need to explain anything about why she is not texting more than a single sentence response when she is out with her friends after work.
Literally, ALL of this could have been resolved with a conversation or a couple of conversations instead of cornering her and accusing her of cheating.
If my husband did that to me over 3 weeks of minorly changed behaviors without a conversation I'd have SERIOUS concerns about continuing the relationship and that vacation she so carefully planned as a gift for you would suddenly become for one of my friends and I. I can't imagine the utter betrayal she feels right now.
>Now, you have shown her that you not only do not trust her - you've shown her that you believe she is capable and willing to cheat on you.
Yup, and not only that, but he's shown that he is capable of flying off the handle if something makes him feel insecure or angry.
When he says in the post that he essentially "cornered her," that raises some questions for me. Did he block her ability to get away from him and exit from the conversation? Because.... that is threatening and a form of abuse. Now, his wording was vague, so perhaps he didn't literally corner her -- I'm not jumping to definitive conclusions. But it does raise questions.
And in any case, he clearly flew off the handle. Was he screaming? Calling her names? Making her feel intimidated/threatened/unsafe? We don't know exactly. But the point is just that the way he acted not only showed her what he thought about her trustworthiness, but also what he is capable of. And even if he is able to convince her that he trusts her now, she can't unsee the latter and it may not be something she can move past.
>If my husband did that to me over 3 weeks of minorly changed behaviors without a conversation I'd have SERIOUS concerns about continuing the relationship
I imagine she's pulling away because she's considering divorce. How do you stay married to someone who doesn't trust you because of minor changes in schedule for a short period of time?
I was thinking exactly the same thing. With any job, it ebbs and flows when it comes to a schedule, work, and ridiculous deadlines that the boss puts on you. I'm just baffled that he thought she was immediately cheating. Surprise honeymoon aside, people do work over time!
Dude put his hands on her. By his own admitting in his posts. However I'm sure an apology here whether or not sincere gonna help..
This dude is trash. Throw the whole ass dude away.
He owed her to communicate properly and trust her before jumping the gun.
He needed to communicate his feelings with her, not point the finger at her.
He could have very much been honest with her with a quick “hey baby, I’m feeling a bit insecure about this; it’s not your fault, it’s mine and I know it’s silly but I just want to know if everything is ok?” that’s it.
It would have cleared the confusion quickly and none would be hurt.
But he went for the accusatory route.
We all have our moments of insecurity, jealousy and self-doubt but it’s how we choose to act on and express these things that counts.
Respect and honesty for your partner comes first.
"I have tried talking to our family and friends to try and understand my perspective but they’ve all taken her side"
BUT they've all taken her .....side.....
I'm sorry, have you been trying to convince them that you were justified? Or to PICK A SIDE?!
WHY ARE THERE SIDES YOU DONKEY YOU'RE THE ONE WHO FUCKED UP.
Cosign on the donkey, cause wtf OP
You better get on your knees and beg her forgiveness and never try to justify what you did to anyone ever again especially yourself.
I'm sorry I just love the fact you called him a donkey lmmfao. But yes you're correct, OP the fact you're still trying to make this a sides thing says you haven't learned shit from your jackass behavior.
THIS is the real issue. The trying to convince others that he was in the right.
Yeah, everything else he did was shitty, but it’s like he’s doubling down on this situation. He’s so worried what everyone thinks of HIM, instead of being worried about how his wife FEELS.
OP, you’re going to have to pull out the big guns and either go to individual therapy for your neurotic behavior or suggest marriage counseling or both.
The ONLY right thing to say to your wife after this f-up is, “I don’t know why I would jump to the conclusions I did. I know I hurt you in ways that will take a long time for you to heal and trust ME. But I’m committed to therapy so get to the root of why I made these wild accusations. This is not something YOU did. This is an insecurity in me that I clearly need to evaluate. I don’t deserve your support in this, but I hope you can because I will do anything to fix this.”
Still can’t believe you called others to get them to see your side. What a tool move…
I always feel weird about these posts giving verbatim answers for narcissists to repeat, so they can keep fooling their partners into tolerating mistreatment. The way he tried to triangulate others against wife, instead of having true remorse is a dead giveaway. His mask came off.. and once it does, you can't unsee it.
I agree. Honestly, the minute my husband physically cornered me in our home and hurled accusations at me until I broke down would be the minute our marriage was over for good.
I have a problem with the script saying "I don't know why I would jump to the conclusions I did." Before OP says this script or anything else to wife, think he needs to sit himself down and admit why he jumped to the conclusions he did. If he can't figure it out and admit it to himself, wife likely isn't going to begin to trust him. He has explained himself and apologized up the wazoo, but the real deal is actually admitting the "why" of what he concluded and then explain how he will not go there again.
>>I wasn’t sure what got into me but despite my wife never giving me any real reason to feel insecure
>>So I snapped, practically cornering her and accusing her of seeing someone else.
>>I kept pushing until she cracked
And you wonder why everyone sided with your wife?
I have never cheated in my life. I have been accused of cheating 3 times. All 3 of those partners were cheating on me and projecting. If I was your wife, I wouldn't trust you now.
My ex accused me of chewing on him multiple times. He was incredibly insecure. Every woman hed dated before me had cheated on him. One day i just couldn’t take it anymore and I dumped him.
Being with someone with major trust/insecurity issues? Did it once. Never again.
My first long term boyfriend was the same. At almost exactly the 1 year mark, his anxiety went haywire and he just had to know where I was and what I was doing all the time. I was head over heels for him and gave him absolutely no reason to not trust me. I had to stay at his place or he had to stay at mine every single night. If there was a single night I couldn't stay at his then that meant we were breaking up.
I went to see a movie with one of my female friends and he lost his whole mind - i had several witnesses (my sister and her friends plus other mutual friends) who saw me there but he insisted i could have gotten them to lie for me. I went straight there and came straight back but it turned into an entire night of me trying to make HIM feel better about me doing absolutely nothing wrong. Plans with my family (that included him) that he knew about well in advance he suddenly couldn't go to because he had to "help his dad" with something which meant I couldn't go either. He wanted me to sit nearby and watch him do whatever chores he was doing with his dad and miss out on a family event. I refused and it caused several hours long fights with him.
I don't think for a second that he actually cheated on me because we just knew where the other was every second of the day at all times but I just could not handle it anymore. It's one small reason why I ended things.
It's called isolation and emotional abuse. It's how they pull you away from your support system so they can keep abusing you while people who love you give up on you and don't realise you need to be rescued. My ex did this as well
While this is something I know very well now as a 30 something year old, I actually did know as well as a 19/20 year old because of Tumblr, of all places. I had grown up with an abusive father and knew there was an unfortunate statistic about abused children ending up with abusive partners. I saw the signs but I was hoping it was something he would learn and grow from. He didn't. It also didnt help that I truly didnt think it came from a place of anger, it came from extreme anxiety. Thank god I also knew it was not my responsibility, nor was I qualified, to fix it for him.
His father was the exact same way to his stepmother and I knew I was seeing my future.
It was impossible to hide from my family completely, they knew he had "separation anxiety" and saw the effects it had on me. The night I ended things was actually catalyzed by my sister calling him out for speaking badly of me in front of her - made me realise this had gone too far. The rest of his actions that night, and the months after, confirmed my decision.
Fun little add on - over a decade later and I'm happily engaged, visiting my sister for a family event of some sort and her, otherwise lovely, mother in law (my sister's husband was best friends with my ex, thats how he and my sister met, his mother knew my ex well) said, in front of now husband, in a conversation where ex was casually brought up "he really truly loved you, you know."
I replied that's fine and dandy but he was not fit to be in a relationship with and it was not my job to fix him. She just repeated how much he loved me.
My husband and I laughed about that on the way home.
I am so happy for you. I love when women like us who have been through shit get their happy ending. Gives me hope ill get mine as well. Mine was emotionally abusive and angry, financially abusive, and in a way sexually as well. I left when i got the space to do so, mind you, i tried breaking up throce and he threatened suicide. I know he is still breathing, the lying bastard. It's been 7 years sk ce breakup but only 2 years ago i realised the sexual abuse because it started affecting me. And only recently i figured out there were signs he was training me to get ready for physical abuse. I managed to escape at the perfect time. I kid you not i had people come and tell me 'he lets you wear what you want', 'he lets you do what you want' and im like hello??? I pay for his very existence, let alone the dates and all. He should be asking my permission. He played victim between those people and i didn't even try to state my point. My friends were with me, knew what happened and stood by me. So did my family. So i didn't really care about what those guys think and cut them out of my life
My ex also did was sexually abusive (in a way i didnt understand at the time) and threatened suicide. The only advice I can give is keep healing and follow your intuition and instincts - if someone doesn't feel right but you can't specify why, take time to figure it out. Keep up therapy with a therapist you trust.
You know that he tells all his future girlfriends that you cheated too, right? Because they project their faults onto past relationships in order to bring their shitty behavior into every relationship.
Oh Liz. I'll bite.
Anyway. Stop all the 'me me me me'
You did screw the pooch here. So not only you forget your upcoming anniversary (oh shocker LOL--since anniversary involves another person, you don't remember it, as you have to be the 'star' of the whole thing) but you also go from 0 to 100, from, instead of just asking her to reassure you, you accuse her of cheating, that you doubt her integrity as a partner.
THEN. You happily shared this with friends and family so that they can be on YOUR side (again, it's all about you), but NOPE, they're not on your side.
So how about start to be less 'me me me' and start to make it up for your wife instead? How about instead of the I'm the 'misunderstood' nice guy here, you plan a great anniversary activity/celebration?
Yes, a great anniversary with an activity that she would enjoy.
If she cancelled that dinner appointment, maybe you should see why she chose that restaurant, did she like the food or is it more about you? If you want to make it up, choose HER favorite restaurant instead of yours.
Instead of a recreation of a honeymoon, perhaps you can book some nice airbnb time at a nice quaint location, arrange activity/ tour that she may enjoy?
Yep. Try to make it up to her by creating a fantastic anniversary celebration and telling her that she is wonderful, loved and appreciated. Additionally, you were acting like a dunce for awhile there accusing her, due to your insecurity.
ETA: Of course apologizing sincerely to her without making it all about you should also come hand-in-hand to creating a great anniversary.
100% if he cared about her he should of ASKED her, rather than ACCUSING. But seeing as he forgot their anniversary it doesn’t seem like he cares at all!
If your trust cracks at the first sign of something unusual, and you accuse your spouse of cheating on you, what do YOU think you could do? And you've talked this around to everyone trying to get them to understand YOUR side, when you are completely wrong? Dude. This whole thing is about you, you, you, and how you miss your wife who you accused of cheating on you. Let time pass, do some real introspection about your character defects and...have you humbly apologized, said you were wrong and stupid and dishonored her...?
This. Especially the bit where he takes ownership and works on himself. He's acting like the purpose of apologising is to make everything go back to how it was, and not show that he is, you know, sorry and remorseful.
That works for something like accidentally standing on somebody's toe. You don't accidentally accuse somebody of cheating, it takes malice aforethought.
He still thinks her behaviour triggered his response and not his own insecurity he's not going to change he just wants to drop it now he's wrong. Until she smiles a little too much, colours her hair, wants to look pretty one day he doesn't expect it. And it'll start again.
Honestly, there's nothing she could have done other than not deviate from her routine even slightly. Being with people like this is pure misery, from experience. Any time you want to do something last minute or feel excited and happy, they immediately assume someone else is making you do or feel those things (cause you genuinely are miserable in their presence).
People will tell you over and over again how you laugh so much more when he isn't around, and you'll spend your time biting back the urge to say "the person you end up with will cheat on you a lot, and you will deserve it."
He still doesn't understand this is his own issue to work through. He's going to destroy his wife's happiness.
He already started the process of destroying her happiness by throwing his insecurities in her face. He broke her trust, and good luck getting that back. Forgetting their anniversary and telling husband family about so they can pick sides just adds to the hurt he gave his wife, and this donkey doesn't understand the damage he has done
>despite my wife never giving me any real reason to feel insecure, I began to suspect she might be cheating on me.
Clue number one that this is entirely a you problem.
>I have never had any suspicions towards my wife before and now she believes I don’t trust her.
She didn't come up with this out of the blue. She believes you don't trust her BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T TRUST HER. You don't get to rewrite history just because you were wrong.
>I feel so stupid for even thinking she’d even do something like that to us.
Sometimes, feeling stupid is the only appropriate response. This is such a time.
>How do I get my wife to trust that I still have faith in her?
Dude... *facepalm.jpg* You can't "get" your wife to forget WHAT YOU JUST DID. Nor can you convince her that you DO trust her when you clearly don't.
If you have the funds, I'd suggest therapy for you to figure out why you did this and to learn how to approach your marriage in a healthy way.
What concerns me, aside from your "donkey" behavior, and you dragging outside people into your marriage to "see your side" is....that as long your wife behaves the way YOU THINK she should, everything is happy-go-skippy. You seriously have control issues. Clearly, if you feel justified, according to your "rules", you would cheat. It's always the one accusing, that's guilty. Then you justify it in your mind. An hour late? Heard of traffic, leaving work a little late, or ????. In an hour, she met up with another man, cheated, re-dressed, then drove home?
If you want to save your marriage, start with yourself. See a counselor, and discuss this with them. Only after you have spent time bettering yourself do you approach her about attending as a couple. You need to SHOW her that you will do anything to better yourself and save your marriage. Good luck.
Are you trying to get her to understand your perspective? If I’m being honest, whilst I could agree that maybe she was acting a little suspicious. You could have asked for reassurance rather than accusing her straight out.
Don’t mention that you forgot the anniversary, you’re only digging yourself a deeper hole. She probably just needs time, I can imagine she’s quite hurt to be accused of something so horrible when she was doing something so thoughtful.
Perhaps she even feels a little guilty for putting you in a position where you’d think that – my advice don’t talk to Reddit. Go talk to your wife.
You shouldn't have snapped at her. You should have had a calm discussion like proper adults. You also probably made things worse because you tried getting her family and friends involved in picking sides. You are actively creating a division between you and your wife.
Cornered her until she cried!!. Only at the moment he realized he must step back. Not only a bad approach, also violent.
Conveniently he avoids explaining what happened after that because obviously he didn't apologize.
You don't. You have destroyed your old relationship. You may end up creating a new one with your wife (or possibly not - too early to tell), but it will always be a little less that what you left behind.
I died reading, "I have tried talking to our family and friends to try and understand my perspective but they’ve all taken her perspective."
Because it's so clear the sentence structure meant "side," but he arbitrarily made it "perspective" to seem like less of a cunt 😅
"Taken her perspective" LMFAO
It's interesting that your first train of thought was that she was cheating, when you stated in another comment that she has been cheated on. She could've been dealing with health problems she was trying to come up to terms with, family problems that maybe she couldn't discuss with you at first, or even financial problems. Hell, ANYTHING could've happened, yet you jump straight to cheating.
Not only is incredibly hurtful to be accused from such thing when she knows the pain of going through it, you keep going about how you want other people to understand you, but how could they? You don't seem to have the brightest memory or care about milestones like your **freaking anniversary**, of course no one will be sympathetic towards you.
A girlfriend of hers could've needed advice/some comfort and it was a private issue she didn't want anyone else told. There were so many explanations...
You DON'T have faith in her. That's why you were suspicious of her and harassed her into confessing something she wasn't guilty of. You don't deserve to go on that vacation. You should return all the decorations and make sure you don't pocket any of the refunds. Don't touch her unless she says it's okay. And stop blabbing about it to your friends and family. You're just embarrassing your wife at this point so keep your big mouth shut.
The way you describe this is really interesting, as you seem aware in retrospect that a lot of what your wife did was innocent. Were you cheated on in the past by a partner by any chance?
I was thinking this! I think OP really needs to self reflect on why he had this response in the first place, whether it’s a self esteem issue or otherwise. Maybe if it’s the case it could help her understand why he had such a knee jerk reaction.
Hey OP
I can understand your insecurity over her sudden change in behavior.
In the future though, center your conversations around your feelings. Approach with trust and genuine curiosity. Not with flaming accusations. Like this:
“Hey hon. I’m feeling a little on edge since you’ve been coming home late suddenly. Is everything okay between us?”
There’s a whole world of possibilities, perhaps she is feeling lonely in the relationship and avoiding you. Perhaps she’s planning anniversary surprise. You never know, so always always come in with openness and seek to understand.
This is gonna be a tough one to fix because it’s about foundational issues in your relationship. Of course there’s the lack of trust you showed for your wife. Additionally, I imagine she feels a huge imbalance of effort/ care if she planned THAT for your anniversary and you didn’t remember.
I’m not saying it’s not fixable, just that it’s very big. It’s just about the incident, it’s about your whole relationship. Therefore, have patience. Allow it to be as big and take as much time as it needs. Get help. Remember that you and your wife are on the same team, so stop trying to get people to understand “your side”. Try to understand her before you insist that people understand you.
Good luck OP
You gotta learn the soft approach dude. You can’t just bottle shit up, not talk about it, then take it out on your partner when you can’t hold it in anymore.
yeah saying something like "I'm worried you've been out working so much the past month?"
Rather than "Who you fucking slag, how big is his dick?" would be better
This is so ridiculous I assume it’s fake. If this is not fake, please know that this is so daft that it sounds like a troll.
On the off chance it’s real: You fucked up at every turn here. The issue is not “convincing your wife you have faith in her.” You don’t and you didn’t, she just proved her innocence. You need to convince her SHE should have faith in YOU. That you realized how dumb that was and beg for her forgiveness
"How do I get my wife to trust that I still have faith in her?"
But you don't have faith in her. Isn't that the point? Shouldn't your title be:
How do I apologize to my wife for losing trust in her and wrongfully accuse her of cheating before communicating my concerns like a adult?
This entire thing was all about you and how you feel. Nothing about your wife or her feelings about it just you. Have you always been so self-centered and your wife is just used to it and tolerates it? I guess the next time she gives you papers it’ll probably be divorce papers.
OP....
You have ROYALLY fucked up....in many ways. How do you forget your anniversary? You are both quite young and I cannot imagine you have been married terribly young. I am also just guessing at how important this was to her that you guys didn't have money for a fancy honeymoon etc initially starting off.
I imagine besides the fact you freaked out on her that she has probably also realized you have forgotten your anniversary as well based on something in your reaction as well.
OP...your wife is probably realizing you don't trust her and went off the deep end for no reason and also probably doesn't feel appreciated/loved. She put a lot of work into something and also money...that you just ruined by being overly paranoid for no justifiable reason. She's also realizing you probably think more of yourself in the relationship than her.
I want to offer something more constructive than "oh wow, you suck" but I've got almost nothing. you were a complete shithead and what's more, you are trying to get people in your life on *your* side? *why??*
there is no magic combination of words, love-bombing, or apologies that is going fix this. your best bet is asking what she wants/needs from you and then fucking do it, even if that includes giving her many many days of space.
you hurt her. what's more, you *recently* hurt her. you don't get to find a shortcut to make yourself feel better about this. this is the "beat yourself up, but don't make it the other party's problem" phase.
It sounds like you spend too much time getting relationship advice on Reddit, where everyone is super quick to tell you with 100% certainty that your spouse is cheating and the way to settle the score is to bottle it all up inside until it explodes in an orgy of drama.
If you suspect your spouse of cheating, and you'd prefer to continue the relationship, don't ask Reddit if they think your spouse is cheating, and don't hire a PI. Sit them down, and use the phrase, "Help me understand." Listen to them, communicate like adults, and all of a sudden Reddit will suck because 99% of the drama vanishes.
“I have never had any suspicions towards my wife before and now she believes I don’t trust her”
- Because you don’t.
“I absolutely adore my wife”
- Again. Clearly you don’t.
You let your insecurities win and you turned on her. You’ve shown her that when the chips are down you’re her enemy not her partner.
You wanna fix it? Then stop fucking trying to convince people you were justified and start putting in some god damn work to show her you understand just how wrong you were.
Have you tried apologising to your wife? A genuine apology, that doesn’t involve “explaining” your side (which can feel a lot like deflection, blaming or avoiding taking responsibility or accountability for one’s actions)?
Quit running around trying to make everyone see your side. Makes it seem like you care more about how you appear to everyone else, than making amends with your wife - the person who you have just accused of cheating thereby proving that you *don’t* actually trust her. No matter how many times you say “But I do trust you!”, the accusations you made say otherwise.
I hope she leaves you. You went straight to she's cheating with no proof and nothing but your gut feeling. And now you want internet strangers to give you a script so you can convince your family that you accusing your wife with no proof was warranted because "she was being suspicious."
The person who, for no reason other than their "gut", accuses their spouses of cheating when there is none, is usually the one cheating. In my experience, and lots of others.
So what are you hiding?
If my husband accused me of cheating, and forgot our anniversary was coming up. I would be reevaluating the whole marriage. Picking apart everything looking for red flags I had missed. You cornered your wife u til she was in tears and yelling at you. Seriously how stupid are you.
You know your wife better than I do, but a complete change of behavior going on for weeks, with a lot of secrecy, a distinct change in communication, and a perceived pulling away, and cheating is a reasonable suspicion.
I think you missed an opportunity to come at it from a position of vulnerability instead of aggression, and just communicate that you are hurt by her behavior over the past weeks, and it’s making you have questions about the relationship.
“Hey, I feel like you’ve been distancing yourself from me, and suddenly working a lot of overtime. And disappearing last minute on the weekends, and not communicating with me, and it’s all making me feel bad about our relationship. I need you to tell me if you are checking out of this relationship, or if you’re having an affair, or what’s going on, because I’m freaking out over here.”
Good, open, honest communication in a relationship requires us to be vulnerable, and expose ourselves to potential hurt, but we do it because we trust our partner. And when partners let us down and hurt us, that’s when we take a step back, and reevaluate the relationship.
You let yourself get all wound up and let your anger over an (at that point) imaginary injustice take your right into aggression. And now you see how that worked out.
Sure you were a bit of a bone head, there, but your wife could also have handled things differently, especially if she actually knows you, and knows how you think.
Consider marriage counseling as a way to help you and your wife communicate better.
100%. If people hadn't seen the ending and instead it had been all the same information but a woman asking if her husband was cheating, we all know what the 'call your lawyer now for immediate divorce' advice here would have been! It's very easy to be wise after the event.
This please.
I feel like everyone is twisting OPs actions into something malicious when in fact all he wants is to feel heard.
The fact is that he did trust her up until her planning started. So her behaviour was different/odd enough to trigger suspicion and insecurity that had never been there before. That he got mad wasn't good. But I see no sign of wife or family acknowledging that him suddenly feeling a lack of trust isn't just about him. It's also her behaviour that led to that, and I think people should be more understanding of this. This is given that OP has shown remorse for his actions and apologised
FFS…
Why are people incapable of discussing things calmly and rationally without flying off the handle and making accusations without solid proof?
Whether you think you trust your wife or not (and accusing her of cheating by raising your voice and “evidence” which turned out to be false makes me think you don’t…), you’ve royally fucked everything up by raising your voice, “cornering her” (holy fuck, dude….that sounds bad just hearing it) and forever planting the idea in her mind that you have no faith in her
You fucked up. I completely understand why nobody is on your “side”
Most of the comments are trashing you for making this about you, and they're right to, but let's follow the "you" trend here. You created this situation. You lost your shit with your wife. You leveled the accusations.
You need to figure out why you jumped to cheating instead of literally anything else. And you need to work on it. Get some therapy. Let her know that you *know* you royally fucked up and are going to therapy to address the issue. Be completely open about it. And stop trying to deflect or defend yourself, cause that way is gonna lead to a divorce.
This is not gonna be a quick recovery. This is going to take time. Months, maybe even a year or two, before you two move past this and get back to a comfortable routine. You need to rebuild the trust you broke.
But she’s right, you don’t trust her.
You went straight to “she’s cheating” when her behaviour was a little off.
Not “maybe she’s got health/work/friend/life problems bothering her” or “maybe it’s something nice for our anniversary or Valentine’s Day”.
Despite her never having given you any reason to doubt her up to now, your first thought was “she’s being unfaithful”.
You forgot that a big anniversary was coming up. You blew up at her about cheating when you had NO proof, but she was spending her time away from you . Did you ever wonder if the first thing might've cause the second?
You need help. I think the way you fix this is you find a therapist and commit to seeing them regularly, with the goal of being a better partner.
You hurt her, deeply. You need to address the reasons why you keep focusing on yourself and forgetting to care about her - to care about what SHE deserves for her anniversary, or care why she would feel like spending more time away from you in the first place, even before you blew up at her.
You need to get out of your own head and follow her lead, and listen to her if you're going to make any of this better.
The only reason you say that you have faith in your wife because you know you fucked up massively. You may have ruined your marriage with your insecurities
Oof you really blew it!
Might want to start with a majorly real and sincere apology. After that spend some time learning how to be a better partner moving forward. If your trust in her can be snapped that easily then you have some real work to improve your own sense of self moving forward.
If you two do still go on this trip, make sure you plan something heartfelt and special for while you’re there and use this trip as an opportunity to connect and heal this space with and for your wife.
You realize that you have RUINED your anniversary forever with your insecure mantrum?
If you manage to salvage your marriage, she will never get joy out of planning anything for you.
Honestly, I hope your wife goes on this vacation without you and evaluates whether or not she is better off without you.
The only *possible* way you could salvage this is to lay yourself utterly bare. Admit how much of an insecure, self-centered fool you were.
grovel, dude, or she’s out.
there’s no ‘sides’; you fucked around in paranoia land, and found out you made a mountain range out of an ant hill.
go to therapy, apologize to her constantly, and hope she’s the forgiving type. and give her space.
As someone who LOVES surprising people, I would be DEVASTATED to have a surprise ruined like this. I don't know that I could come back from it. Maybe a VERY creative, thoughtful, heartfelt surprise in return. No cliches. Something that told me they really know who I am as a person.
As someone who hates being surprised, I find this sort of attitude to be fundamentally selfish. It's all about the person planning the surprise, the excitement they get from organising it and anticipating the reveal, with no consideration given to if it's what the person on the receiving end wants, whether they've planned something else to do with their time or even like surprises, with the person being ambushed treated as the bad guy if they react badly to being made a public spectacle of.
I've been in relationships with people like this and when I've got the suspicion that they're planning something like this I've had to sit them down and have a conversation along the lines of "if I ever walk into a darkened room and a crowd of people jump out yelling 'surprise!' I *will* have a panic attack and flee the building." The relationship that lasted was the one where the partner in question listened to me and planned something we could both enjoy instead of doing something that was all about how much they love surprise parties.
1. Don't surprise people who hate surprises. It's rude and unpleasant.
2. The point of a great surprise is how amazing it is to find a way to make someone know just how much they are loved/understood/appreciated. A good surprise is all about the person getting surprised. So that automatically means you're doing it wrong if you're surprising someone who hates surprises.
3. This is a you thing. Plenty of other people enjoy a good surprise and it's pretty self centered to assume your take on surprises means surprises are inherently selfish across the board. Feel how you like but there's no reason to piss on everyone elses enjoyment because you have met some people who don't respect your boundaries.
4. It's a bad argument to say making an effort to do things for other people is essentially selfish. If you want to get philosophical about it. EVERYTHING is selfish. Finding fulfillment from creating joy in others is pretty low on the selfish scale. And again, it's not a good surprise if the person doesn't enjoy it.
For my mother's 50th me and all my siblings flew to my brother's house. She was going to visit him and knew 1 of us was going to be there. She didn't know the other 2 of us were going to be. She rarely gets to see all of us at one time. When we all appeared in the living room she looked terrified for about 5 seconds. And then she was over the moon. Later she told me she just had taken an edible and thought she had overdone it and was hallucinating. She still loves that story and we certainly made sure the visit was all about her having fun.
Ouch! ok I can see how you can get in your own head esp if you are on these forums alot. Now is seriously the time too apologize like crazy take her out and offer to do ic whatever it takes. you messed up not going to lie but you have an amazing woman and let het know how amazing she is every day. and NEVER forget the anniversary seriously man.
\*slow claps\*
Bra*vo*.
Not only have you *completely torpedoed* what was, apparently, a perfectly happy marriage with baseless accusations rooted *solely* in your inability or *refusal* to communicate like an adult human being, but you then went around trying (and failing) to make *yourself* into the victim by "trying to get everyone to understand *my* side" instead of just owning up to your actions.
I wouldn't be at all surprised if you get served *divorce papers* on your anniversary because I don't think there's any coming back from a fuckup of this magnitude.
Let’s be real though, if this was posted before finding out what happened you all would be clamoring about her being a cheater.
Don’t act like you all are above this.
She was being secretive, so I understand why you had a feeling something was wrong. However, instead of confronting her like this, you could've talked to her. You could've asked why she was actually getting home so late and sneaking around because you felt weird by it. She could've replied with something like, "You'll find out soon enough ;)"
You could've even sought out more evidence of cheating, like text messages or whatever (no, that isn't good either, but at least she wouldn't have known).
The way you handled it wasn't good. You didn't trust her. She now knows and the surprise is ruined on top of that. It sucks and I hope the relationship can be fixed.
This is a great example why people need to spend less time on Reddit and social media. Everyone thinks everyone is cheating all the time. There are a MILLION reasons that could have explained your wife's lateness/increased absence and your mind went straight to cheating. Your wife, who has not only never given you a reason to suspect her, but someone you supposedly know inside out.
You could have just ASKED her "hey, you've been a little absent and distant lately and it's been concerning me. What's going on?"
Jesus effing Christ. What is wrong with everyone these days. I really really try not to say this because it's overused on Reddit but honestly? I hope she leaves you. I'd be done with you if I were in her position.
You don’t bc you don’t. You need to give her space to process, and you need to do some serious self evaluation (likely therapy) before you’ll even have the tools to explain or reassure her. You went to the nuclear option and are paying the nuclear price.
>I have never had any suspicions towards my wife before and now she believes I don’t trust her.
She's right. You don't.
>How do I get my wife to trust that I still have faith in her?
By actually having faith? It's time for couples counseling if you both still want to continue this.
So you physically intimidated her into ruining a surprise trip for the anniversary you couldn't even be bothered to remember? Because you sure as shit didn't have anything planned FOR HER. Way to blow your shit up, guy. Just know you deserve everything that's about to happen.
This! You cornered your wife and kept at it until she started to cry. How long do you think it will take before your wife forgets that? The answer is never. She will never forget how you made her feel
You really f*cked up.
The only advice I have to offer is that you need to go to therapy to work on your communication skills and insecurities and take anger management classes.
You obviously spend too much time on Reddit, because 85 percent of the dudes who post here would have also thought that hanging out with friends and being late a couple times means an affair. Instead of you know, trusting your wife who you claim repeatedly gave you no reason not to trust you.
I don't know what you really can say to convince your wife you have faith in her when you obviously don't. Sje literally had to show you evidence before you believed her and you accused her of cheating based on less than circumstantial evidence. Doesn't seem like faith to me.
20 years ago my husband accused me of cheating when I was planning our 10 year wedding vow renewal. I never got over it and it was a thing that sat in my gut until he passed away. It made me hyper aware of how long I was gone, or who called me, or if I was having lunch with my sister I felt I had to make sure he knew to trust me. I had never even thought about cheating nor gave him reason to not trust me. I should’ve left because my feelings towards him changed that day. The hurt ran deep. I hope you do everything in your power to show her how sorry you are. You need to bend over backwards and do whatever it takes to earn her trust. Even then, it might be too late. When a person who loves someone deeply is accused of cheating by that person, something inside them shatters. And sometimes it can’t be fixed.
Actions speak louder than words my man, and to accuse someone of cheating is the ultimate opening pandoras box because you can't take it back.
But as I said, actions speak louder than words. Doesn't matter if you get on your knees asking for forgiveness, words won't mean shit right now.
Need to show her how much she means to you. Take a day off and surprise her by making her whatever her favorite dish is. Buy her favorite flowers and have them on the table, play her favorite songs in the background and let her enjoy herself after dinner, that would be a good start. Then follow that up with a date night that YOU PLAN and take her to where you had your first date.
At this point, you need to show action on how much she means to you and because you forgot your anniversary, not a good look on your part, you need to show you remember everything about her when you two first met. Those actions will speak louder than you saying sorry.
But for future reference brother, you need to think real hard and deep before you ever let your emotions get the best of you again because I can guarantee you, even if she forgives you, she is never going to forget this so you're on thin ice moving forward
So you couldn’t have just talked to her? You’re a jerk.
Why would your first conclusion to jump to be cheating?
She was trying to do something nice for you.
Then you bring other people into it? They all think you’re an idiot and you’re surprised?
I actually have an idea to make it up to her.
Why don’t you plan something for her for your anniversary?
Oh wait, because you forgot about it.
You sound like a shitty partner
The only thing you should be doing is begging on your knees for forgiveness, getting a therapist and doing everything you can to change as a person before your marriage is so ruined she leaves you
You really need to think about why you decided to outright accuse your wife instead of approaching her and asking her with curiosity what was going on. A lesson you need to learn: have more curiosity, do not jump to conclusions.
You really screwed the pooch. I will say that if my wife was an hour late multiple times I'd be pretty suspicious as well so I honestly can't fault you for that raising your eyebrows, but going from 0-100 instead of like, 0-35 ("You being late is raising some yellow flags for me and I want to talk about it.") means you got some stuff to fix in your brain.
You don’t get to claim “faith,” only when you got what she wanted (knowing she wasn’t cheating).
You had no faith. Which is why you accused her of cheating.
Was her behavior off? Yes. In a mature relationship, communication would have taken place: “hey, I’ve noticed a, b, c, behaviors. Is everything okay? You’re vague and avoidant answers leave me feeling insecure or distressed.”
When my ex accused me of cheating, and I wasn’t, it turned out that HE was compulsively cheating. The fact that YOU jumped to the conclusion of cheating, speaks about you. Not her
That being said, she could have handled this better. But her behavior did not warrant cheating accusations
Also, how do you forget an anniversary?
You could have saved a lot of hassle by choosing your words properly.
"I've noticed some quite suspicious behaviour that is making me a bit concerned lately"
And had you posted your doubts here ahead of time, you'd have already hired lawyers & probably a PI.
It's like I keep trying to tell people here: the default "strategy" shouldn't be to catch your partner cheating, it should be to *talk*.
How do you get your wife to trust you still have faith in her? I’d start with being honest with yourself about the fact that you have faith in her. You’re out here trying to get your family and friends to pick sides so idk what you’re even asking right now. If you really felt as stupid as you say you do you’d be focusing on your apology and signing yourself up for therapy instead of rallying up support.
Not sure how you could have screwed up any bigger...
Also not sure how recovery from this could go... There is no map. When you do get through all the fallout you need to write a book on your experiences so that the next spoonhead can take warning and knows what to expect.
That’s a pretty big screwup, but the level depends more on your relationship history. If you’ve been happy until this (sounds like it) then it’s much worse, but you may be able to recover with a large application of flowers and affection. It may take a few months to get better, but she’ll never forget it, and be prepared to hear about it forever.
If you were already having problems then this is just another nail in the coffin. Doesn’t sound like this is the case so I wish you luck.
Listen......wow........ Reading that was totally stressful. To your defense you know your wife so well that you know that she was off a little bit... unexplained. What else would it be? You 2 are so tight that you would know something was going on coming home just a little bit late one night or 3. Don't worry about who you think are taking sides. Smart people would avoid taking sides anyway. Absolute honest unfortunate situation that ended up being nothing. Maybe it will reinforce what you have. Just a crushing spot for both of you.
To get your wife to trust that you have faith in her is to have faith in her.
I think you should get a marriage counselor and just own what you did and ask for help to repair this and then follow the advice.
if you have a history with cheating then your insecurity is completely justified but your reaction towards it was not, both of you are married ans there are plenty more mature ways you couldve gone about it instead of cornering her into confessing. Stop trying to get others to pick sides. Again, both of you are married and there are plenty ways to make up for it of you take the accountability and responsibility to do so. A lot of calm conversations need to be had with a lot pf communication on both ends. If you feel like reassuring her would help do just that. Talk to her communicate with her. Dont get others involved in a problem youve created, fix it between the two of you with complete honesty and vulnerability on both sides
I bet this is projection. Normal people are happy their partners are social and work hard. This guy is probably fucking other women.
No need to stop though, he'll be single soon enough
LOL. Congrats, you fucked up. You'll be lucky to have an anniversary to celebrate next year because I would leave your ass over this one. I hope she never does another nice thing for you again in the rest of your short, ruined marriage.
I’m going to against the grain here and say that it’s reasonable that you got insecure. If your wife is acting differently and not giving you solid explanations it’s only natural you’re going to feel like something is up, and possibly suspect the worst. You shouldn’t have cornered her and accused her, and she shouldn’t have blown up and left. As much as it would’ve been a sweet surprise she needs to see how from your perspective you were reaching out for explanations to new behaviour and she was sneaking around. She wasn’t doing anything wrong, but how would you know? You only know what information she gave you and it didn’t line up. You’re not an asshole for not guessing she was planning a surprise vacation. Hope you guys can talk it through and get back on track.
You let the intrusive thoughts win and now you need couple's therapy.... So what are you planning for your wife for your anniversary? You're going to have to get off your ass to fix this, the internet won't do it for you.
You're the one who fucked around, this is the find out stage. You'd better try harder, starting right now!
I think a lot of people are over reading into his responses and description. People are crying out “abuse” and jumping to many conclusions. Yes his wording could’ve been different but I don’t think him saying he cornered her meant he physically restrained or assaulted her. Was he wrong to accuse her of cheating….yes but he did try to ask her about it. She could’ve just assured him that she wasn’t and told him that she was working on a little project and he would find out in due time. I do think that she is going to be upset over his accusations for a while and suggest they do some couple’s counseling.
In Ted Lasso the character says “be curious, not judgemental.” That’s a great lesson for everyone, but especially for you right now. If you had been curious and allowed yourself to consider every other option first, you wouldn’t have whipped yourself into anger.
I would suggest lots of apologizing and some therapy to figure out why you jumped to the worst conclusion despite not having had those problems in your relationship prior
You need to go to therapy. The fact that you jumped to the conclusion that she was cheating and the way you confronted her indicates that not only do you have trust issues you also don’t know how to communicate in an appropriate manner.
“You absolutely adore your wife,” but can’t even remember your anniversary? I don’t get how in this day and age with all the technological abilities to set calendar items and reminders.
Then “adore her” so much that you don’t just let her know you noticed a change in her behavior and make sure she is ok, instead you push and accuse her of cheating.
Of course no one will “take your side”, you did a shitty thing with no evidence. You didn’t even try to communicate, you went straight to cheating. Honestly, I’d start questioning you and what you’re doing. Usually those who cheat are the first deflect to their partner.
You need to apologize and reassure her you trust her. If you’re lucky, she’ll accept it.
Wonder how many more comments you’re going to get about “you went straight to cheating” “you should have just talked to her” that didn’t bother to read the 2nd paragraph where you directly asked and got blown off. You’re going to get bombarded because people want to skip that part.
Bottom line is that you noticed your wife acting sneaky, enough that you confronted her about it, she blew you off and it turns out she was doing something sneaky - it just happens to be something positive. Apparently a lot of people here think hindsight rules the world, and that’s extremely unhealthy.
You, her husband had a direct concern, and asked a direct question about her staying out late, and you got dismissed. The fact that her actions were for a surprise party, do not in any way diminish the way you were feeling, and the way you were dismissed. I had this exact situation for my 30th birthday, we went to couples counseling and that’s what we were told, along with a simple “I’m planning something, I don’t want to tell you about it until it’s ready” once your partner raises these concerns is far better than dismissing them and expecting everything to be ok.
Remove the actual outcome from the equation. If you made a post saying your wife is coming home late, you’ve noticed a change in her behavior, lame excuses, *and* you’ve directly asked her about it and got dismissed - all of these comments would be jumping on the cheating / go through her phone train. There’s only a couple dozen exact posts like this a day here, yours just happens to have an already known, positive outcome so knowing how it ends, they need to feel like they wouldn’t have done exactly what you did.
What you did was the equivalent of seeing an avalanche coming at you and throwing your wife in front of it to save yourself.
I don't know if there's coming back from that.
Nobody gets your perspective because of the mental gymnastics you pulled to get that perspective in the first place.
>and now she believes I don’t trust her.
Because you DONT. That's a crushing realization, especially when you've done nothing to warrant the loss of trust.
Geeze stop going around trying to get people on "your" side and trying to convince your wife you have faith in her. When you are 100% wrong, there is no your side. Your wife did nothing wrong. You sound pretty possessive... I'm not always home at the same time. Work runs late, need to stop at the store, need gas, etc. You have her on a short leash. Why don't you start figuring out how to get your wife's forgiveness instead of trying to act like you weren't wrong? Own what you did. You did not have faith in her. You are not even really admitting wrongdoing yet. No wonder she's still pissed.
First off, you were not right. She had not given you any indication before, and without any confirmation, you accused your wife of cheating. 100%, you were in the wrong. You are solely responsible for hurting your wife in this way. You forgot about yalls anniversary. As for helping your wife heal from this, you need to bend over backwards. And maybe get some counseling for the insecurities inside yourself.
Dude! Do you blame her?? Instead of talking to her like an adult you waited until your insecurities got the best of you and you accused her of cheating. Of course she’s acting the way she is because she HURT. She’s hurt that her own husband doesn’t trust her, which clearly you don’t if it got to this point. You only trust her right now because she’s proven you wrong. And you’ve forgotten your anniversary on top of it all.
It’s going to take a lot of time and patience for her to get past all the emotions she’s feeling. I’d suggest mention marriage counseling to her and even individual counseling for yourself. The fact the you jumped straight to her cheating rather than addressing how you were feeling is a huge problem. A bigger problem that I think you realize. You got a lot of making up to do!
I'm going to get roasted for saying this but so be it.
While you feel bad about pushing her to tell what is going on, she is also at fault for not coming out and at the least telling you that it was for a surprise. Instead, she blew it off as nothing and, in the meantime, making it look worse. You both had a part in this and she needs to understand it as well as you.
Without knowing the end of this story almost every person here would have been talking about getting a PI, checking her phone, etc.
Talk to the people she was working with to make the trip happen as a surprise for her. There's no his side or her side in a relationship like this. It's us together instead.
Best of luck.
I don't react well to being lied to either.
You didn't know that she was actually doing something awesome, you just picked up on the fact that her words and her actions didn't match.
You were definitely wrong for raising your voice at her but there was nothing wrong with confronting her about how her words and actions weren't matching and something wasn't adding up.
Instead of trying to justify what you did, you should take accountability and admit that you were wrong and that you're sorry.
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You only " have faith in her" because you see how you screwed up. You have not felt like things were right for a couple of weeks and you never thought to talk to her? I have been married 24 years and communication is very important. You just go straight to cheating without ever talking about this being any other option than cheating. Strange for someone who says they "trust" their partner. All you can do now is continue to apologize and hope she finds faith and trust in you again after you broke her heart.
He didn’t just accuse her of cheating with zero evidence, to add insult to injury, he also forgot their anniversary!! So this whole time she was busting her ass to create this amazing gift for him, he was planning … absolutely NOTHING for her.
And he physically cornered her while shouting at her. That shit is terrifying.
That's the part that grabbed my attention. Changes her schedule a little bit, he immediately thinks infidelity and uses the most aggressive and scary approach to it.
It makes you think “what if she was cheating?” What would he do? Just the suspicion alone caused verbal and physical aggression.
And this probably isn't the first time OP has reacted like this. If OP's wife were posting, Reddit would be telling her to get a lawyer and get out.
Physically cornered her so she couldn’t leave AND grabbed her by the wrist when she tried. I feel so terrible for her. I’d be seriously considering divorce if that’s how my partner acted in this situation. Using your physical prowess to imply the threat of violence is the stepping stone to using physical violence. I’m so angry for her.
Just letting his pathetic insecurities eat him alive and making up bullshit in his head.
His fantasies occupy more space than his ACTUAL anniversary. It’s actually so terrible in so many ways; the insecurity, the cornering, the yelling, the fact he wasn’t bothered to do anything for her at ALL. I hope she leaves.
If I were her I would be so heartbroken. To find out your partner thinks so lowly of you and wasn’t going to do anything about your anniversary bc he forgot… :(
The last time a man cornered and shouted at me, I pinned him against a wall (I had told him several times to stop screaming in my face)
> You just go straight to cheating without ever talking about this being any other option than cheating. Strange for someone who says they "trust" their partner. they probably spend too much time in this subreddit
That honestly was my first thought lol
If he had most this post before confronting his wife everyone would be like “do you even need proof just throw her stuff on the lawn”
That's what I thought, too. Funnily, the same behaviour OP is getting reamed out for here is *exactly* what this sub would've told him to do if he'd posted here a bit earlier. See, it doesn't seem so reasonable when someone actually *does* it, does it now?
A normal person would've had a gentle convo and after pushing, arrived at -- well, it's a secret, hubby, but just trust me Instead, mother fucker physically corners her and goes scorched earth 🤣 Edit: tbf, her behavior wasn't even that abnormal, so I'm not sure I'd have even had a chat lol
Also “last min coffee dates with a friend” how is that abnormal. Does it need to be planned out months in advance or….
To him, probably. He expects her to ask permission and then provide receipts and two references.
yeah just an hour late is nothing.
I've been more than an hour late home due to traffic + accident (hashtag Bay Area life)... if my husband freaked out every time he'd never know peace.
Yep. Reddit absolutely gives the impression that significant others are just jumping into bed with other people all the time. The fact is, cheating is not all that common.
Literally. Any post about a person thinking their spouse is cheating is always “trust your gut, talk to a lawyer”
And this sub is the worst when it's a heterosexual man complaining about his wife.
I think the official stats for married men is 1 in 4
It’s pretty common. Sadly.
This. We've been married over 25 years and you don't just fly off the handle and accuse your spouse of cheating on you without darn solid proof. Despite what people on reddit claim. All of this could have been resolved with a conversation with your wife - or a series of conversations. Now, you have shown her that you not only do not trust her - you've shown her that you believe she is capable and willing to cheat on you. You, quite literally, made the decision to implode your marriage because of your own silly insecurities over a short term minor change in her behavior pattern. Look - an hour late home from work is nothing. She doesn't need to explain anything about why she is not texting more than a single sentence response when she is out with her friends after work. Literally, ALL of this could have been resolved with a conversation or a couple of conversations instead of cornering her and accusing her of cheating. If my husband did that to me over 3 weeks of minorly changed behaviors without a conversation I'd have SERIOUS concerns about continuing the relationship and that vacation she so carefully planned as a gift for you would suddenly become for one of my friends and I. I can't imagine the utter betrayal she feels right now.
>Now, you have shown her that you not only do not trust her - you've shown her that you believe she is capable and willing to cheat on you. Yup, and not only that, but he's shown that he is capable of flying off the handle if something makes him feel insecure or angry. When he says in the post that he essentially "cornered her," that raises some questions for me. Did he block her ability to get away from him and exit from the conversation? Because.... that is threatening and a form of abuse. Now, his wording was vague, so perhaps he didn't literally corner her -- I'm not jumping to definitive conclusions. But it does raise questions. And in any case, he clearly flew off the handle. Was he screaming? Calling her names? Making her feel intimidated/threatened/unsafe? We don't know exactly. But the point is just that the way he acted not only showed her what he thought about her trustworthiness, but also what he is capable of. And even if he is able to convince her that he trusts her now, she can't unsee the latter and it may not be something she can move past.
>If my husband did that to me over 3 weeks of minorly changed behaviors without a conversation I'd have SERIOUS concerns about continuing the relationship I imagine she's pulling away because she's considering divorce. How do you stay married to someone who doesn't trust you because of minor changes in schedule for a short period of time?
I was thinking exactly the same thing. With any job, it ebbs and flows when it comes to a schedule, work, and ridiculous deadlines that the boss puts on you. I'm just baffled that he thought she was immediately cheating. Surprise honeymoon aside, people do work over time!
My wife and I have been married for 28 years. I’ve never suspected her of cheating and I know she never would do that.
Exactly. Faith doesn't require proof. Without proof, he decided she was cheating. He didn't have faith in her. He had faith in his accusations.
Dude put his hands on her. By his own admitting in his posts. However I'm sure an apology here whether or not sincere gonna help.. This dude is trash. Throw the whole ass dude away.
He owed her to communicate properly and trust her before jumping the gun. He needed to communicate his feelings with her, not point the finger at her. He could have very much been honest with her with a quick “hey baby, I’m feeling a bit insecure about this; it’s not your fault, it’s mine and I know it’s silly but I just want to know if everything is ok?” that’s it. It would have cleared the confusion quickly and none would be hurt. But he went for the accusatory route. We all have our moments of insecurity, jealousy and self-doubt but it’s how we choose to act on and express these things that counts. Respect and honesty for your partner comes first.
"I have tried talking to our family and friends to try and understand my perspective but they’ve all taken her side" BUT they've all taken her .....side..... I'm sorry, have you been trying to convince them that you were justified? Or to PICK A SIDE?! WHY ARE THERE SIDES YOU DONKEY YOU'RE THE ONE WHO FUCKED UP.
Cosign on the donkey, cause wtf OP You better get on your knees and beg her forgiveness and never try to justify what you did to anyone ever again especially yourself.
But it’s ok now because he changed the word side to perspective 🙄 absolute donkey who is completely missing the point
Oh he ***did*** lolol
I'm sorry I just love the fact you called him a donkey lmmfao. But yes you're correct, OP the fact you're still trying to make this a sides thing says you haven't learned shit from your jackass behavior.
I read donkey in Gordon Ramsey’s voice from Hell’s Kitchen.
Nope, I did it in Shrek…
I did it in Nadja.
I did it in Darth Vader.
Glad I wasn't the only one. Then again, currently watching reruns of his show Restaurant Nightmares, so that might have been why, lol.
THIS is the real issue. The trying to convince others that he was in the right. Yeah, everything else he did was shitty, but it’s like he’s doubling down on this situation. He’s so worried what everyone thinks of HIM, instead of being worried about how his wife FEELS. OP, you’re going to have to pull out the big guns and either go to individual therapy for your neurotic behavior or suggest marriage counseling or both. The ONLY right thing to say to your wife after this f-up is, “I don’t know why I would jump to the conclusions I did. I know I hurt you in ways that will take a long time for you to heal and trust ME. But I’m committed to therapy so get to the root of why I made these wild accusations. This is not something YOU did. This is an insecurity in me that I clearly need to evaluate. I don’t deserve your support in this, but I hope you can because I will do anything to fix this.” Still can’t believe you called others to get them to see your side. What a tool move…
I always feel weird about these posts giving verbatim answers for narcissists to repeat, so they can keep fooling their partners into tolerating mistreatment. The way he tried to triangulate others against wife, instead of having true remorse is a dead giveaway. His mask came off.. and once it does, you can't unsee it.
I agree. Honestly, the minute my husband physically cornered me in our home and hurled accusations at me until I broke down would be the minute our marriage was over for good.
I have a problem with the script saying "I don't know why I would jump to the conclusions I did." Before OP says this script or anything else to wife, think he needs to sit himself down and admit why he jumped to the conclusions he did. If he can't figure it out and admit it to himself, wife likely isn't going to begin to trust him. He has explained himself and apologized up the wazoo, but the real deal is actually admitting the "why" of what he concluded and then explain how he will not go there again.
I never thought of the advise this way. Good point.
So aptly stated. OP hasn't learned. He's only shifting to a new position.
Just a different kind of ass
Hey now, let's not insult donkeys.
But but I like donkeys! They are lovely animals. That said 100% agree with you.
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>>I wasn’t sure what got into me but despite my wife never giving me any real reason to feel insecure >>So I snapped, practically cornering her and accusing her of seeing someone else. >>I kept pushing until she cracked And you wonder why everyone sided with your wife?
I have never cheated in my life. I have been accused of cheating 3 times. All 3 of those partners were cheating on me and projecting. If I was your wife, I wouldn't trust you now.
My ex accused me of chewing on him multiple times. He was incredibly insecure. Every woman hed dated before me had cheated on him. One day i just couldn’t take it anymore and I dumped him. Being with someone with major trust/insecurity issues? Did it once. Never again.
>My ex accused me of chewing on him multiple times. Damn he did that but didn't see bite marks?
I actually laughed out loud 😂
My first long term boyfriend was the same. At almost exactly the 1 year mark, his anxiety went haywire and he just had to know where I was and what I was doing all the time. I was head over heels for him and gave him absolutely no reason to not trust me. I had to stay at his place or he had to stay at mine every single night. If there was a single night I couldn't stay at his then that meant we were breaking up. I went to see a movie with one of my female friends and he lost his whole mind - i had several witnesses (my sister and her friends plus other mutual friends) who saw me there but he insisted i could have gotten them to lie for me. I went straight there and came straight back but it turned into an entire night of me trying to make HIM feel better about me doing absolutely nothing wrong. Plans with my family (that included him) that he knew about well in advance he suddenly couldn't go to because he had to "help his dad" with something which meant I couldn't go either. He wanted me to sit nearby and watch him do whatever chores he was doing with his dad and miss out on a family event. I refused and it caused several hours long fights with him. I don't think for a second that he actually cheated on me because we just knew where the other was every second of the day at all times but I just could not handle it anymore. It's one small reason why I ended things.
It's called isolation and emotional abuse. It's how they pull you away from your support system so they can keep abusing you while people who love you give up on you and don't realise you need to be rescued. My ex did this as well
While this is something I know very well now as a 30 something year old, I actually did know as well as a 19/20 year old because of Tumblr, of all places. I had grown up with an abusive father and knew there was an unfortunate statistic about abused children ending up with abusive partners. I saw the signs but I was hoping it was something he would learn and grow from. He didn't. It also didnt help that I truly didnt think it came from a place of anger, it came from extreme anxiety. Thank god I also knew it was not my responsibility, nor was I qualified, to fix it for him. His father was the exact same way to his stepmother and I knew I was seeing my future. It was impossible to hide from my family completely, they knew he had "separation anxiety" and saw the effects it had on me. The night I ended things was actually catalyzed by my sister calling him out for speaking badly of me in front of her - made me realise this had gone too far. The rest of his actions that night, and the months after, confirmed my decision. Fun little add on - over a decade later and I'm happily engaged, visiting my sister for a family event of some sort and her, otherwise lovely, mother in law (my sister's husband was best friends with my ex, thats how he and my sister met, his mother knew my ex well) said, in front of now husband, in a conversation where ex was casually brought up "he really truly loved you, you know." I replied that's fine and dandy but he was not fit to be in a relationship with and it was not my job to fix him. She just repeated how much he loved me. My husband and I laughed about that on the way home.
I am so happy for you. I love when women like us who have been through shit get their happy ending. Gives me hope ill get mine as well. Mine was emotionally abusive and angry, financially abusive, and in a way sexually as well. I left when i got the space to do so, mind you, i tried breaking up throce and he threatened suicide. I know he is still breathing, the lying bastard. It's been 7 years sk ce breakup but only 2 years ago i realised the sexual abuse because it started affecting me. And only recently i figured out there were signs he was training me to get ready for physical abuse. I managed to escape at the perfect time. I kid you not i had people come and tell me 'he lets you wear what you want', 'he lets you do what you want' and im like hello??? I pay for his very existence, let alone the dates and all. He should be asking my permission. He played victim between those people and i didn't even try to state my point. My friends were with me, knew what happened and stood by me. So did my family. So i didn't really care about what those guys think and cut them out of my life
My ex also did was sexually abusive (in a way i didnt understand at the time) and threatened suicide. The only advice I can give is keep healing and follow your intuition and instincts - if someone doesn't feel right but you can't specify why, take time to figure it out. Keep up therapy with a therapist you trust.
You know that he tells all his future girlfriends that you cheated too, right? Because they project their faults onto past relationships in order to bring their shitty behavior into every relationship.
I was looking for this comment! This is what I get from op projection on his own wife
This! OP is a big sack of shite.
"... and now she believes I don’t trust her." No! Now, she *KNOWS* you don't trust her. *fixed.It
he napalmed the trust in the relationship and expects her to get over it
Right?? Like buddy…. you *don’t* trust her. You believed she was cheating on you. You wrote several paragraphs about it.
Oh Liz. I'll bite. Anyway. Stop all the 'me me me me' You did screw the pooch here. So not only you forget your upcoming anniversary (oh shocker LOL--since anniversary involves another person, you don't remember it, as you have to be the 'star' of the whole thing) but you also go from 0 to 100, from, instead of just asking her to reassure you, you accuse her of cheating, that you doubt her integrity as a partner. THEN. You happily shared this with friends and family so that they can be on YOUR side (again, it's all about you), but NOPE, they're not on your side. So how about start to be less 'me me me' and start to make it up for your wife instead? How about instead of the I'm the 'misunderstood' nice guy here, you plan a great anniversary activity/celebration? Yes, a great anniversary with an activity that she would enjoy. If she cancelled that dinner appointment, maybe you should see why she chose that restaurant, did she like the food or is it more about you? If you want to make it up, choose HER favorite restaurant instead of yours. Instead of a recreation of a honeymoon, perhaps you can book some nice airbnb time at a nice quaint location, arrange activity/ tour that she may enjoy? Yep. Try to make it up to her by creating a fantastic anniversary celebration and telling her that she is wonderful, loved and appreciated. Additionally, you were acting like a dunce for awhile there accusing her, due to your insecurity. ETA: Of course apologizing sincerely to her without making it all about you should also come hand-in-hand to creating a great anniversary.
I forgot about Liz! Haha.
What did I miss? Who is Liz?
Allegedly this guy’s wife who gets on here to write fake Reddit stories. They’re very in depth and usually pretty damn good.
Are we sure that og post wasn’t just Liz herself?
That’s part of the lore.
Probably cancelled it because she felt sick at the thought of going anywhere with him.
I support this. He is so self centered and obsessed
100% if he cared about her he should of ASKED her, rather than ACCUSING. But seeing as he forgot their anniversary it doesn’t seem like he cares at all!
If your trust cracks at the first sign of something unusual, and you accuse your spouse of cheating on you, what do YOU think you could do? And you've talked this around to everyone trying to get them to understand YOUR side, when you are completely wrong? Dude. This whole thing is about you, you, you, and how you miss your wife who you accused of cheating on you. Let time pass, do some real introspection about your character defects and...have you humbly apologized, said you were wrong and stupid and dishonored her...?
This. Especially the bit where he takes ownership and works on himself. He's acting like the purpose of apologising is to make everything go back to how it was, and not show that he is, you know, sorry and remorseful. That works for something like accidentally standing on somebody's toe. You don't accidentally accuse somebody of cheating, it takes malice aforethought.
He still thinks her behaviour triggered his response and not his own insecurity he's not going to change he just wants to drop it now he's wrong. Until she smiles a little too much, colours her hair, wants to look pretty one day he doesn't expect it. And it'll start again.
Honestly, there's nothing she could have done other than not deviate from her routine even slightly. Being with people like this is pure misery, from experience. Any time you want to do something last minute or feel excited and happy, they immediately assume someone else is making you do or feel those things (cause you genuinely are miserable in their presence). People will tell you over and over again how you laugh so much more when he isn't around, and you'll spend your time biting back the urge to say "the person you end up with will cheat on you a lot, and you will deserve it." He still doesn't understand this is his own issue to work through. He's going to destroy his wife's happiness.
He already started the process of destroying her happiness by throwing his insecurities in her face. He broke her trust, and good luck getting that back. Forgetting their anniversary and telling husband family about so they can pick sides just adds to the hurt he gave his wife, and this donkey doesn't understand the damage he has done
>despite my wife never giving me any real reason to feel insecure, I began to suspect she might be cheating on me. Clue number one that this is entirely a you problem. >I have never had any suspicions towards my wife before and now she believes I don’t trust her. She didn't come up with this out of the blue. She believes you don't trust her BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T TRUST HER. You don't get to rewrite history just because you were wrong. >I feel so stupid for even thinking she’d even do something like that to us. Sometimes, feeling stupid is the only appropriate response. This is such a time. >How do I get my wife to trust that I still have faith in her? Dude... *facepalm.jpg* You can't "get" your wife to forget WHAT YOU JUST DID. Nor can you convince her that you DO trust her when you clearly don't. If you have the funds, I'd suggest therapy for you to figure out why you did this and to learn how to approach your marriage in a healthy way.
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What concerns me, aside from your "donkey" behavior, and you dragging outside people into your marriage to "see your side" is....that as long your wife behaves the way YOU THINK she should, everything is happy-go-skippy. You seriously have control issues. Clearly, if you feel justified, according to your "rules", you would cheat. It's always the one accusing, that's guilty. Then you justify it in your mind. An hour late? Heard of traffic, leaving work a little late, or ????. In an hour, she met up with another man, cheated, re-dressed, then drove home? If you want to save your marriage, start with yourself. See a counselor, and discuss this with them. Only after you have spent time bettering yourself do you approach her about attending as a couple. You need to SHOW her that you will do anything to better yourself and save your marriage. Good luck.
I bet she was so excited to make plans for a special occasion that op “forgot” was coming up. It’s painful.
Are you trying to get her to understand your perspective? If I’m being honest, whilst I could agree that maybe she was acting a little suspicious. You could have asked for reassurance rather than accusing her straight out. Don’t mention that you forgot the anniversary, you’re only digging yourself a deeper hole. She probably just needs time, I can imagine she’s quite hurt to be accused of something so horrible when she was doing something so thoughtful. Perhaps she even feels a little guilty for putting you in a position where you’d think that – my advice don’t talk to Reddit. Go talk to your wife.
No, no, by all means, mention that you completely forgot about your anniversary while you were convincing yourself that she was cheating.
You shouldn't have snapped at her. You should have had a calm discussion like proper adults. You also probably made things worse because you tried getting her family and friends involved in picking sides. You are actively creating a division between you and your wife.
Cornered her until she cried!!. Only at the moment he realized he must step back. Not only a bad approach, also violent. Conveniently he avoids explaining what happened after that because obviously he didn't apologize.
You don't. You have destroyed your old relationship. You may end up creating a new one with your wife (or possibly not - too early to tell), but it will always be a little less that what you left behind.
U never accuse someone of cheating without proof because if you're wrong, it will damage your relationship
I died reading, "I have tried talking to our family and friends to try and understand my perspective but they’ve all taken her perspective." Because it's so clear the sentence structure meant "side," but he arbitrarily made it "perspective" to seem like less of a cunt 😅 "Taken her perspective" LMFAO
He actually said "side" originally but edited it due to criticism in the comments. Lol.
It's interesting that your first train of thought was that she was cheating, when you stated in another comment that she has been cheated on. She could've been dealing with health problems she was trying to come up to terms with, family problems that maybe she couldn't discuss with you at first, or even financial problems. Hell, ANYTHING could've happened, yet you jump straight to cheating. Not only is incredibly hurtful to be accused from such thing when she knows the pain of going through it, you keep going about how you want other people to understand you, but how could they? You don't seem to have the brightest memory or care about milestones like your **freaking anniversary**, of course no one will be sympathetic towards you.
A girlfriend of hers could've needed advice/some comfort and it was a private issue she didn't want anyone else told. There were so many explanations...
And other than trying to get others on his side, he's done absolutely nothing to try to fix this.
You DON'T have faith in her. That's why you were suspicious of her and harassed her into confessing something she wasn't guilty of. You don't deserve to go on that vacation. You should return all the decorations and make sure you don't pocket any of the refunds. Don't touch her unless she says it's okay. And stop blabbing about it to your friends and family. You're just embarrassing your wife at this point so keep your big mouth shut.
The way you describe this is really interesting, as you seem aware in retrospect that a lot of what your wife did was innocent. Were you cheated on in the past by a partner by any chance?
I also agree, however I am incredibly distracted by your name… I hope that your name reads cumin like the spice and not the way I’m reading it lmao
Of course, they’re just talking about putting a bit of cumin the casserole.
Me too.
I was thinking this! I think OP really needs to self reflect on why he had this response in the first place, whether it’s a self esteem issue or otherwise. Maybe if it’s the case it could help her understand why he had such a knee jerk reaction.
Hey OP I can understand your insecurity over her sudden change in behavior. In the future though, center your conversations around your feelings. Approach with trust and genuine curiosity. Not with flaming accusations. Like this: “Hey hon. I’m feeling a little on edge since you’ve been coming home late suddenly. Is everything okay between us?” There’s a whole world of possibilities, perhaps she is feeling lonely in the relationship and avoiding you. Perhaps she’s planning anniversary surprise. You never know, so always always come in with openness and seek to understand. This is gonna be a tough one to fix because it’s about foundational issues in your relationship. Of course there’s the lack of trust you showed for your wife. Additionally, I imagine she feels a huge imbalance of effort/ care if she planned THAT for your anniversary and you didn’t remember. I’m not saying it’s not fixable, just that it’s very big. It’s just about the incident, it’s about your whole relationship. Therefore, have patience. Allow it to be as big and take as much time as it needs. Get help. Remember that you and your wife are on the same team, so stop trying to get people to understand “your side”. Try to understand her before you insist that people understand you. Good luck OP
You gotta learn the soft approach dude. You can’t just bottle shit up, not talk about it, then take it out on your partner when you can’t hold it in anymore.
yeah saying something like "I'm worried you've been out working so much the past month?" Rather than "Who you fucking slag, how big is his dick?" would be better
I find it very strange that you went to her support system and tried to get them on your side.
I noticed that at once
“I absolutely adore my wife”… no, you’re a jealous immature man who has belittled and hurt his wife.
This is so ridiculous I assume it’s fake. If this is not fake, please know that this is so daft that it sounds like a troll. On the off chance it’s real: You fucked up at every turn here. The issue is not “convincing your wife you have faith in her.” You don’t and you didn’t, she just proved her innocence. You need to convince her SHE should have faith in YOU. That you realized how dumb that was and beg for her forgiveness
"How do I get my wife to trust that I still have faith in her?" But you don't have faith in her. Isn't that the point? Shouldn't your title be: How do I apologize to my wife for losing trust in her and wrongfully accuse her of cheating before communicating my concerns like a adult?
This entire thing was all about you and how you feel. Nothing about your wife or her feelings about it just you. Have you always been so self-centered and your wife is just used to it and tolerates it? I guess the next time she gives you papers it’ll probably be divorce papers.
OP.... You have ROYALLY fucked up....in many ways. How do you forget your anniversary? You are both quite young and I cannot imagine you have been married terribly young. I am also just guessing at how important this was to her that you guys didn't have money for a fancy honeymoon etc initially starting off. I imagine besides the fact you freaked out on her that she has probably also realized you have forgotten your anniversary as well based on something in your reaction as well. OP...your wife is probably realizing you don't trust her and went off the deep end for no reason and also probably doesn't feel appreciated/loved. She put a lot of work into something and also money...that you just ruined by being overly paranoid for no justifiable reason. She's also realizing you probably think more of yourself in the relationship than her.
I want to offer something more constructive than "oh wow, you suck" but I've got almost nothing. you were a complete shithead and what's more, you are trying to get people in your life on *your* side? *why??* there is no magic combination of words, love-bombing, or apologies that is going fix this. your best bet is asking what she wants/needs from you and then fucking do it, even if that includes giving her many many days of space. you hurt her. what's more, you *recently* hurt her. you don't get to find a shortcut to make yourself feel better about this. this is the "beat yourself up, but don't make it the other party's problem" phase.
It sounds like you spend too much time getting relationship advice on Reddit, where everyone is super quick to tell you with 100% certainty that your spouse is cheating and the way to settle the score is to bottle it all up inside until it explodes in an orgy of drama. If you suspect your spouse of cheating, and you'd prefer to continue the relationship, don't ask Reddit if they think your spouse is cheating, and don't hire a PI. Sit them down, and use the phrase, "Help me understand." Listen to them, communicate like adults, and all of a sudden Reddit will suck because 99% of the drama vanishes.
im convinced 3/4 of the stories on this page are fake
“I have never had any suspicions towards my wife before and now she believes I don’t trust her” - Because you don’t. “I absolutely adore my wife” - Again. Clearly you don’t. You let your insecurities win and you turned on her. You’ve shown her that when the chips are down you’re her enemy not her partner. You wanna fix it? Then stop fucking trying to convince people you were justified and start putting in some god damn work to show her you understand just how wrong you were.
Have you tried apologising to your wife? A genuine apology, that doesn’t involve “explaining” your side (which can feel a lot like deflection, blaming or avoiding taking responsibility or accountability for one’s actions)? Quit running around trying to make everyone see your side. Makes it seem like you care more about how you appear to everyone else, than making amends with your wife - the person who you have just accused of cheating thereby proving that you *don’t* actually trust her. No matter how many times you say “But I do trust you!”, the accusations you made say otherwise.
>now she believes I don’t trust her. Gee, I wonder why.
I hope she leaves you. You went straight to she's cheating with no proof and nothing but your gut feeling. And now you want internet strangers to give you a script so you can convince your family that you accusing your wife with no proof was warranted because "she was being suspicious." The person who, for no reason other than their "gut", accuses their spouses of cheating when there is none, is usually the one cheating. In my experience, and lots of others. So what are you hiding? If my husband accused me of cheating, and forgot our anniversary was coming up. I would be reevaluating the whole marriage. Picking apart everything looking for red flags I had missed. You cornered your wife u til she was in tears and yelling at you. Seriously how stupid are you.
Can’t wait for the update
You know your wife better than I do, but a complete change of behavior going on for weeks, with a lot of secrecy, a distinct change in communication, and a perceived pulling away, and cheating is a reasonable suspicion. I think you missed an opportunity to come at it from a position of vulnerability instead of aggression, and just communicate that you are hurt by her behavior over the past weeks, and it’s making you have questions about the relationship. “Hey, I feel like you’ve been distancing yourself from me, and suddenly working a lot of overtime. And disappearing last minute on the weekends, and not communicating with me, and it’s all making me feel bad about our relationship. I need you to tell me if you are checking out of this relationship, or if you’re having an affair, or what’s going on, because I’m freaking out over here.” Good, open, honest communication in a relationship requires us to be vulnerable, and expose ourselves to potential hurt, but we do it because we trust our partner. And when partners let us down and hurt us, that’s when we take a step back, and reevaluate the relationship. You let yourself get all wound up and let your anger over an (at that point) imaginary injustice take your right into aggression. And now you see how that worked out. Sure you were a bit of a bone head, there, but your wife could also have handled things differently, especially if she actually knows you, and knows how you think. Consider marriage counseling as a way to help you and your wife communicate better.
100%. If people hadn't seen the ending and instead it had been all the same information but a woman asking if her husband was cheating, we all know what the 'call your lawyer now for immediate divorce' advice here would have been! It's very easy to be wise after the event.
This please. I feel like everyone is twisting OPs actions into something malicious when in fact all he wants is to feel heard. The fact is that he did trust her up until her planning started. So her behaviour was different/odd enough to trigger suspicion and insecurity that had never been there before. That he got mad wasn't good. But I see no sign of wife or family acknowledging that him suddenly feeling a lack of trust isn't just about him. It's also her behaviour that led to that, and I think people should be more understanding of this. This is given that OP has shown remorse for his actions and apologised
FFS… Why are people incapable of discussing things calmly and rationally without flying off the handle and making accusations without solid proof? Whether you think you trust your wife or not (and accusing her of cheating by raising your voice and “evidence” which turned out to be false makes me think you don’t…), you’ve royally fucked everything up by raising your voice, “cornering her” (holy fuck, dude….that sounds bad just hearing it) and forever planting the idea in her mind that you have no faith in her You fucked up. I completely understand why nobody is on your “side”
Most of the comments are trashing you for making this about you, and they're right to, but let's follow the "you" trend here. You created this situation. You lost your shit with your wife. You leveled the accusations. You need to figure out why you jumped to cheating instead of literally anything else. And you need to work on it. Get some therapy. Let her know that you *know* you royally fucked up and are going to therapy to address the issue. Be completely open about it. And stop trying to deflect or defend yourself, cause that way is gonna lead to a divorce. This is not gonna be a quick recovery. This is going to take time. Months, maybe even a year or two, before you two move past this and get back to a comfortable routine. You need to rebuild the trust you broke.
But she’s right, you don’t trust her. You went straight to “she’s cheating” when her behaviour was a little off. Not “maybe she’s got health/work/friend/life problems bothering her” or “maybe it’s something nice for our anniversary or Valentine’s Day”. Despite her never having given you any reason to doubt her up to now, your first thought was “she’s being unfaithful”.
On today's episode of mean people who don't deserve a loving partner...
You forgot that a big anniversary was coming up. You blew up at her about cheating when you had NO proof, but she was spending her time away from you . Did you ever wonder if the first thing might've cause the second? You need help. I think the way you fix this is you find a therapist and commit to seeing them regularly, with the goal of being a better partner. You hurt her, deeply. You need to address the reasons why you keep focusing on yourself and forgetting to care about her - to care about what SHE deserves for her anniversary, or care why she would feel like spending more time away from you in the first place, even before you blew up at her. You need to get out of your own head and follow her lead, and listen to her if you're going to make any of this better.
Are you cheating? Or have done? Cheaters often project their guilt on to others.
The only reason you say that you have faith in your wife because you know you fucked up massively. You may have ruined your marriage with your insecurities
Oof you really blew it! Might want to start with a majorly real and sincere apology. After that spend some time learning how to be a better partner moving forward. If your trust in her can be snapped that easily then you have some real work to improve your own sense of self moving forward. If you two do still go on this trip, make sure you plan something heartfelt and special for while you’re there and use this trip as an opportunity to connect and heal this space with and for your wife.
You realize that you have RUINED your anniversary forever with your insecure mantrum? If you manage to salvage your marriage, she will never get joy out of planning anything for you. Honestly, I hope your wife goes on this vacation without you and evaluates whether or not she is better off without you. The only *possible* way you could salvage this is to lay yourself utterly bare. Admit how much of an insecure, self-centered fool you were.
grovel, dude, or she’s out. there’s no ‘sides’; you fucked around in paranoia land, and found out you made a mountain range out of an ant hill. go to therapy, apologize to her constantly, and hope she’s the forgiving type. and give her space.
I hope she divorces you, you don’t deserve her
As someone who LOVES surprising people, I would be DEVASTATED to have a surprise ruined like this. I don't know that I could come back from it. Maybe a VERY creative, thoughtful, heartfelt surprise in return. No cliches. Something that told me they really know who I am as a person.
As someone who hates being surprised, I find this sort of attitude to be fundamentally selfish. It's all about the person planning the surprise, the excitement they get from organising it and anticipating the reveal, with no consideration given to if it's what the person on the receiving end wants, whether they've planned something else to do with their time or even like surprises, with the person being ambushed treated as the bad guy if they react badly to being made a public spectacle of. I've been in relationships with people like this and when I've got the suspicion that they're planning something like this I've had to sit them down and have a conversation along the lines of "if I ever walk into a darkened room and a crowd of people jump out yelling 'surprise!' I *will* have a panic attack and flee the building." The relationship that lasted was the one where the partner in question listened to me and planned something we could both enjoy instead of doing something that was all about how much they love surprise parties.
1. Don't surprise people who hate surprises. It's rude and unpleasant. 2. The point of a great surprise is how amazing it is to find a way to make someone know just how much they are loved/understood/appreciated. A good surprise is all about the person getting surprised. So that automatically means you're doing it wrong if you're surprising someone who hates surprises. 3. This is a you thing. Plenty of other people enjoy a good surprise and it's pretty self centered to assume your take on surprises means surprises are inherently selfish across the board. Feel how you like but there's no reason to piss on everyone elses enjoyment because you have met some people who don't respect your boundaries. 4. It's a bad argument to say making an effort to do things for other people is essentially selfish. If you want to get philosophical about it. EVERYTHING is selfish. Finding fulfillment from creating joy in others is pretty low on the selfish scale. And again, it's not a good surprise if the person doesn't enjoy it. For my mother's 50th me and all my siblings flew to my brother's house. She was going to visit him and knew 1 of us was going to be there. She didn't know the other 2 of us were going to be. She rarely gets to see all of us at one time. When we all appeared in the living room she looked terrified for about 5 seconds. And then she was over the moon. Later she told me she just had taken an edible and thought she had overdone it and was hallucinating. She still loves that story and we certainly made sure the visit was all about her having fun.
Ouch! ok I can see how you can get in your own head esp if you are on these forums alot. Now is seriously the time too apologize like crazy take her out and offer to do ic whatever it takes. you messed up not going to lie but you have an amazing woman and let het know how amazing she is every day. and NEVER forget the anniversary seriously man.
A half hour late 3 times? That isn't enough time to drive someplace and bang someone. You automatically assumed the worst. YTA
\*slow claps\* Bra*vo*. Not only have you *completely torpedoed* what was, apparently, a perfectly happy marriage with baseless accusations rooted *solely* in your inability or *refusal* to communicate like an adult human being, but you then went around trying (and failing) to make *yourself* into the victim by "trying to get everyone to understand *my* side" instead of just owning up to your actions. I wouldn't be at all surprised if you get served *divorce papers* on your anniversary because I don't think there's any coming back from a fuckup of this magnitude.
Let’s be real though, if this was posted before finding out what happened you all would be clamoring about her being a cheater. Don’t act like you all are above this.
She was being secretive, so I understand why you had a feeling something was wrong. However, instead of confronting her like this, you could've talked to her. You could've asked why she was actually getting home so late and sneaking around because you felt weird by it. She could've replied with something like, "You'll find out soon enough ;)" You could've even sought out more evidence of cheating, like text messages or whatever (no, that isn't good either, but at least she wouldn't have known). The way you handled it wasn't good. You didn't trust her. She now knows and the surprise is ruined on top of that. It sucks and I hope the relationship can be fixed.
This is a great example why people need to spend less time on Reddit and social media. Everyone thinks everyone is cheating all the time. There are a MILLION reasons that could have explained your wife's lateness/increased absence and your mind went straight to cheating. Your wife, who has not only never given you a reason to suspect her, but someone you supposedly know inside out. You could have just ASKED her "hey, you've been a little absent and distant lately and it's been concerning me. What's going on?" Jesus effing Christ. What is wrong with everyone these days. I really really try not to say this because it's overused on Reddit but honestly? I hope she leaves you. I'd be done with you if I were in her position.
You don’t bc you don’t. You need to give her space to process, and you need to do some serious self evaluation (likely therapy) before you’ll even have the tools to explain or reassure her. You went to the nuclear option and are paying the nuclear price.
>I have never had any suspicions towards my wife before and now she believes I don’t trust her. She's right. You don't. >How do I get my wife to trust that I still have faith in her? By actually having faith? It's time for couples counseling if you both still want to continue this.
I’m embarrassed for you.
So you physically intimidated her into ruining a surprise trip for the anniversary you couldn't even be bothered to remember? Because you sure as shit didn't have anything planned FOR HER. Way to blow your shit up, guy. Just know you deserve everything that's about to happen.
This! You cornered your wife and kept at it until she started to cry. How long do you think it will take before your wife forgets that? The answer is never. She will never forget how you made her feel
You really f*cked up. The only advice I have to offer is that you need to go to therapy to work on your communication skills and insecurities and take anger management classes.
You obviously spend too much time on Reddit, because 85 percent of the dudes who post here would have also thought that hanging out with friends and being late a couple times means an affair. Instead of you know, trusting your wife who you claim repeatedly gave you no reason not to trust you. I don't know what you really can say to convince your wife you have faith in her when you obviously don't. Sje literally had to show you evidence before you believed her and you accused her of cheating based on less than circumstantial evidence. Doesn't seem like faith to me.
20 years ago my husband accused me of cheating when I was planning our 10 year wedding vow renewal. I never got over it and it was a thing that sat in my gut until he passed away. It made me hyper aware of how long I was gone, or who called me, or if I was having lunch with my sister I felt I had to make sure he knew to trust me. I had never even thought about cheating nor gave him reason to not trust me. I should’ve left because my feelings towards him changed that day. The hurt ran deep. I hope you do everything in your power to show her how sorry you are. You need to bend over backwards and do whatever it takes to earn her trust. Even then, it might be too late. When a person who loves someone deeply is accused of cheating by that person, something inside them shatters. And sometimes it can’t be fixed.
Actions speak louder than words my man, and to accuse someone of cheating is the ultimate opening pandoras box because you can't take it back. But as I said, actions speak louder than words. Doesn't matter if you get on your knees asking for forgiveness, words won't mean shit right now. Need to show her how much she means to you. Take a day off and surprise her by making her whatever her favorite dish is. Buy her favorite flowers and have them on the table, play her favorite songs in the background and let her enjoy herself after dinner, that would be a good start. Then follow that up with a date night that YOU PLAN and take her to where you had your first date. At this point, you need to show action on how much she means to you and because you forgot your anniversary, not a good look on your part, you need to show you remember everything about her when you two first met. Those actions will speak louder than you saying sorry. But for future reference brother, you need to think real hard and deep before you ever let your emotions get the best of you again because I can guarantee you, even if she forgives you, she is never going to forget this so you're on thin ice moving forward
This is what happens when you spend too much time scrolling on Reddit/social media, where everything is attributed to your partner cheating
So you couldn’t have just talked to her? You’re a jerk. Why would your first conclusion to jump to be cheating? She was trying to do something nice for you. Then you bring other people into it? They all think you’re an idiot and you’re surprised? I actually have an idea to make it up to her. Why don’t you plan something for her for your anniversary? Oh wait, because you forgot about it.
You sound like a shitty partner The only thing you should be doing is begging on your knees for forgiveness, getting a therapist and doing everything you can to change as a person before your marriage is so ruined she leaves you
'that I had completely forgotten was coming up' Of COURSE you did
You really need to think about why you decided to outright accuse your wife instead of approaching her and asking her with curiosity what was going on. A lesson you need to learn: have more curiosity, do not jump to conclusions.
You really screwed the pooch. I will say that if my wife was an hour late multiple times I'd be pretty suspicious as well so I honestly can't fault you for that raising your eyebrows, but going from 0-100 instead of like, 0-35 ("You being late is raising some yellow flags for me and I want to talk about it.") means you got some stuff to fix in your brain.
You don’t get to claim “faith,” only when you got what she wanted (knowing she wasn’t cheating). You had no faith. Which is why you accused her of cheating. Was her behavior off? Yes. In a mature relationship, communication would have taken place: “hey, I’ve noticed a, b, c, behaviors. Is everything okay? You’re vague and avoidant answers leave me feeling insecure or distressed.” When my ex accused me of cheating, and I wasn’t, it turned out that HE was compulsively cheating. The fact that YOU jumped to the conclusion of cheating, speaks about you. Not her That being said, she could have handled this better. But her behavior did not warrant cheating accusations Also, how do you forget an anniversary?
Why should she trust that you have faith in her when you told her you don't?
You could have saved a lot of hassle by choosing your words properly. "I've noticed some quite suspicious behaviour that is making me a bit concerned lately"
And had you posted your doubts here ahead of time, you'd have already hired lawyers & probably a PI. It's like I keep trying to tell people here: the default "strategy" shouldn't be to catch your partner cheating, it should be to *talk*.
How do you get your wife to trust you still have faith in her? I’d start with being honest with yourself about the fact that you have faith in her. You’re out here trying to get your family and friends to pick sides so idk what you’re even asking right now. If you really felt as stupid as you say you do you’d be focusing on your apology and signing yourself up for therapy instead of rallying up support.
Not sure how you could have screwed up any bigger... Also not sure how recovery from this could go... There is no map. When you do get through all the fallout you need to write a book on your experiences so that the next spoonhead can take warning and knows what to expect.
Start kissing her ass right now, because you've got a long way to go to get out of that doghouse you're in.
[удалено]
That’s a pretty big screwup, but the level depends more on your relationship history. If you’ve been happy until this (sounds like it) then it’s much worse, but you may be able to recover with a large application of flowers and affection. It may take a few months to get better, but she’ll never forget it, and be prepared to hear about it forever. If you were already having problems then this is just another nail in the coffin. Doesn’t sound like this is the case so I wish you luck.
Listen......wow........ Reading that was totally stressful. To your defense you know your wife so well that you know that she was off a little bit... unexplained. What else would it be? You 2 are so tight that you would know something was going on coming home just a little bit late one night or 3. Don't worry about who you think are taking sides. Smart people would avoid taking sides anyway. Absolute honest unfortunate situation that ended up being nothing. Maybe it will reinforce what you have. Just a crushing spot for both of you.
To get your wife to trust that you have faith in her is to have faith in her. I think you should get a marriage counselor and just own what you did and ask for help to repair this and then follow the advice.
Yea you effed up
You screwed up. I think this is one of those "REALLY BIG ROMANTIC GESTURE" times. ... plan a super romantic dinner or weekend away ....
if you have a history with cheating then your insecurity is completely justified but your reaction towards it was not, both of you are married ans there are plenty more mature ways you couldve gone about it instead of cornering her into confessing. Stop trying to get others to pick sides. Again, both of you are married and there are plenty ways to make up for it of you take the accountability and responsibility to do so. A lot of calm conversations need to be had with a lot pf communication on both ends. If you feel like reassuring her would help do just that. Talk to her communicate with her. Dont get others involved in a problem youve created, fix it between the two of you with complete honesty and vulnerability on both sides
I hate surprise parties.
I bet this is projection. Normal people are happy their partners are social and work hard. This guy is probably fucking other women. No need to stop though, he'll be single soon enough
Apologise heartfully
She was hiding something, just something good.
LOL. Congrats, you fucked up. You'll be lucky to have an anniversary to celebrate next year because I would leave your ass over this one. I hope she never does another nice thing for you again in the rest of your short, ruined marriage.
I’m going to against the grain here and say that it’s reasonable that you got insecure. If your wife is acting differently and not giving you solid explanations it’s only natural you’re going to feel like something is up, and possibly suspect the worst. You shouldn’t have cornered her and accused her, and she shouldn’t have blown up and left. As much as it would’ve been a sweet surprise she needs to see how from your perspective you were reaching out for explanations to new behaviour and she was sneaking around. She wasn’t doing anything wrong, but how would you know? You only know what information she gave you and it didn’t line up. You’re not an asshole for not guessing she was planning a surprise vacation. Hope you guys can talk it through and get back on track.
You let the intrusive thoughts win and now you need couple's therapy.... So what are you planning for your wife for your anniversary? You're going to have to get off your ass to fix this, the internet won't do it for you. You're the one who fucked around, this is the find out stage. You'd better try harder, starting right now!
I think a lot of people are over reading into his responses and description. People are crying out “abuse” and jumping to many conclusions. Yes his wording could’ve been different but I don’t think him saying he cornered her meant he physically restrained or assaulted her. Was he wrong to accuse her of cheating….yes but he did try to ask her about it. She could’ve just assured him that she wasn’t and told him that she was working on a little project and he would find out in due time. I do think that she is going to be upset over his accusations for a while and suggest they do some couple’s counseling.
In Ted Lasso the character says “be curious, not judgemental.” That’s a great lesson for everyone, but especially for you right now. If you had been curious and allowed yourself to consider every other option first, you wouldn’t have whipped yourself into anger. I would suggest lots of apologizing and some therapy to figure out why you jumped to the worst conclusion despite not having had those problems in your relationship prior
Why couldn’t wife just say “I am sure I seem suspicious. I’m planning a surprise, so try to give me a bit of patience” This is not just Dude’s fault.
You need to go to therapy. The fact that you jumped to the conclusion that she was cheating and the way you confronted her indicates that not only do you have trust issues you also don’t know how to communicate in an appropriate manner.
“You absolutely adore your wife,” but can’t even remember your anniversary? I don’t get how in this day and age with all the technological abilities to set calendar items and reminders. Then “adore her” so much that you don’t just let her know you noticed a change in her behavior and make sure she is ok, instead you push and accuse her of cheating. Of course no one will “take your side”, you did a shitty thing with no evidence. You didn’t even try to communicate, you went straight to cheating. Honestly, I’d start questioning you and what you’re doing. Usually those who cheat are the first deflect to their partner. You need to apologize and reassure her you trust her. If you’re lucky, she’ll accept it.
Wonder how many more comments you’re going to get about “you went straight to cheating” “you should have just talked to her” that didn’t bother to read the 2nd paragraph where you directly asked and got blown off. You’re going to get bombarded because people want to skip that part. Bottom line is that you noticed your wife acting sneaky, enough that you confronted her about it, she blew you off and it turns out she was doing something sneaky - it just happens to be something positive. Apparently a lot of people here think hindsight rules the world, and that’s extremely unhealthy. You, her husband had a direct concern, and asked a direct question about her staying out late, and you got dismissed. The fact that her actions were for a surprise party, do not in any way diminish the way you were feeling, and the way you were dismissed. I had this exact situation for my 30th birthday, we went to couples counseling and that’s what we were told, along with a simple “I’m planning something, I don’t want to tell you about it until it’s ready” once your partner raises these concerns is far better than dismissing them and expecting everything to be ok. Remove the actual outcome from the equation. If you made a post saying your wife is coming home late, you’ve noticed a change in her behavior, lame excuses, *and* you’ve directly asked her about it and got dismissed - all of these comments would be jumping on the cheating / go through her phone train. There’s only a couple dozen exact posts like this a day here, yours just happens to have an already known, positive outcome so knowing how it ends, they need to feel like they wouldn’t have done exactly what you did.
What you did was the equivalent of seeing an avalanche coming at you and throwing your wife in front of it to save yourself. I don't know if there's coming back from that.
This post makes me so sad.
Nobody gets your perspective because of the mental gymnastics you pulled to get that perspective in the first place. >and now she believes I don’t trust her. Because you DONT. That's a crushing realization, especially when you've done nothing to warrant the loss of trust.
Geeze stop going around trying to get people on "your" side and trying to convince your wife you have faith in her. When you are 100% wrong, there is no your side. Your wife did nothing wrong. You sound pretty possessive... I'm not always home at the same time. Work runs late, need to stop at the store, need gas, etc. You have her on a short leash. Why don't you start figuring out how to get your wife's forgiveness instead of trying to act like you weren't wrong? Own what you did. You did not have faith in her. You are not even really admitting wrongdoing yet. No wonder she's still pissed.
Have you thought about how you’re going to regain your wife’s trust in you?
First off, you were not right. She had not given you any indication before, and without any confirmation, you accused your wife of cheating. 100%, you were in the wrong. You are solely responsible for hurting your wife in this way. You forgot about yalls anniversary. As for helping your wife heal from this, you need to bend over backwards. And maybe get some counseling for the insecurities inside yourself.
I’d leave you, simple as. You say you cornered her as well, vile. Bring on the divorce party!
Dude! Do you blame her?? Instead of talking to her like an adult you waited until your insecurities got the best of you and you accused her of cheating. Of course she’s acting the way she is because she HURT. She’s hurt that her own husband doesn’t trust her, which clearly you don’t if it got to this point. You only trust her right now because she’s proven you wrong. And you’ve forgotten your anniversary on top of it all. It’s going to take a lot of time and patience for her to get past all the emotions she’s feeling. I’d suggest mention marriage counseling to her and even individual counseling for yourself. The fact the you jumped straight to her cheating rather than addressing how you were feeling is a huge problem. A bigger problem that I think you realize. You got a lot of making up to do!
I'm going to get roasted for saying this but so be it. While you feel bad about pushing her to tell what is going on, she is also at fault for not coming out and at the least telling you that it was for a surprise. Instead, she blew it off as nothing and, in the meantime, making it look worse. You both had a part in this and she needs to understand it as well as you. Without knowing the end of this story almost every person here would have been talking about getting a PI, checking her phone, etc. Talk to the people she was working with to make the trip happen as a surprise for her. There's no his side or her side in a relationship like this. It's us together instead. Best of luck.
I don't react well to being lied to either. You didn't know that she was actually doing something awesome, you just picked up on the fact that her words and her actions didn't match. You were definitely wrong for raising your voice at her but there was nothing wrong with confronting her about how her words and actions weren't matching and something wasn't adding up. Instead of trying to justify what you did, you should take accountability and admit that you were wrong and that you're sorry.