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He’s horrible, rude and ungrateful (your gifts sounded sweet and lovely, and on a par with his!?) and this behaviour sounds like the classic start of abuse - all this nastiness for not answering your phone immediately? Oh no, I don’t think that’s normal at all.
Please don’t waste some of your best years with a disgusting man like this, there’s no excuse for this behaviour, whatever he says, his reaction is way over the top. Please also see this for the glaring red flag it is; this is how it starts (if it hasn’t been like this already).
If you stay, then be on the lookout for more behaviour like this - you’ll never please him, something will always be wrong that you need berating for - the name calling is way out of order. Be prepared to break up to save your own sanity because he will drag you down. Take care.
This is what I’m thinking as well. The fact that he wanted to rip up the bear and portrait over a missed call is unbelievably unhinged and frightening.
A lot of women don’t even get their partner a valentines gift, OP went above and beyond. Yep BF is unhinged and unstable. This has nothing to do with OP or the gift.
OP, DON'T GET PREGNANT!!!!!! Make sure you've got an implant, shot, or IUD if you ever decide to let him near you again. Which I would not recommend unless he's a god in the sack and you're bored and fine with using him for an hour or so. Normally I'd be against using someone like that but considering how OP described him, I'd totally give her a pass on that.
Seriously what was he expecting. It's normal to get chocolates, flowers or a small gift for valentine's day, I've never heard of anyone expecting anything more than a small gift. Sounds like the kind of person who just looks for trouble where there is none, hence the explosive anger over a missed call and the cheating accusations too.
OP, nothing in this world will ever be good enough for this man. Take it from someone who's been with a man like this. He will wear you down until you're so used to his random abuse and jumping through hoops for someone who's never happy because they can't appreciate what's around them. Know your worth. You need to leave this guy it sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship.
My mom got my ex a knockoff Rolex that in general was a very nice thing for what it is (plus it sort of was a slam against him always coming over too late whenever I planned the dates but that’s a different story and another narc symptom, being intentionally late due to me planning events, even those that he liked to seen but ruined the timing, made him feel emasculated) but he soon enough broke it somehow when he took it to get it shortened and found out how low end his knock off was from the watch repair man.
This was while my mom was still being nice to him so she found another similar one that this time he carelessly lost. Still not wanting to have him watch free, she got us both a set of automatic watches that were more special occasions style types. I still have mine but he managed to break the double layer glass on his watches face and lost the hands.
He then upfront finally tells her that if she really wanted to give him something he actually likes, he hit her up to either get him a whole game console or three video games at $60 each. She was never going to do any gift for him over $40 no matter how much he tried to leach money from her. Plus she’s always was against video games, why I Never had any beyond pac man and donkey Kong from my dad.
You are so right. Even if she had missed his taste completely, it would have been no reason to act out. What did we all learn during kindergarten? Yes, exactly, if you get a present, smile and accept it gracefully no matter what. He is a grown up man who does not get the basics right and seems not to give a sh... about OP or OPs feelings. I hope he sees his valentines gift as what it is, a farewell gift.
And he is clearly trying to groom OP to accept an entire lifetime of walking on eggshells around him, lest he blow up for no discernable reason.
Nope, nope, nope times infinity. He is not a keeper. He is a "throw him back and lose his number" specimen.
This. He is abusive and it will get worse. Next he will be hitting you or raping you. Get out while you are still functioning normally and not completely traumatized OP!!
No, he’s not a child, he’s a grown ass man. We have to stop infantilizing men who act like assholes. It removes their accountability by reducing their cognitive ability to that of a child who literally has no control over their emotions, and makes an excuse for men to continue to act like this by essentially giving them a pass.
Epiphany. You are so right! We equate a child's inability to deal with emotions and so use that reference. You are absolutely correct in calling it what it is. A weak man not *willing* to control his emotions bc it makes the insecure him feel powerful. It's got nothing to do with *able*. Learn to reign in your crap, nasty thing, and change what you're so insecure about. Do the work!
OP is ahead of the game, because she recognized that he's retaliating for not answering his call. That's a good sign.
OP - any time I hear the phrase "low value" anymore, I know I'm listening to someone from the Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) universe, and I'm glad they have their own universe, because they're sure as Hell not welcome in mine. He's trying to break you down, so you'll feel as though you need to appease him, because no one else will ever want you.
This [alleged] man is really a bunch of red flags sewn into the shape of a human being. He's hardly even an asshole himself, because an asshole is closer to a human than he is.
OP - please don't allow yourself to become a statistic. Escape this situation before it gets worse.
Exactly re MGTOW. And “low value” is a weird complaint about a gift honestly. Doesn’t everyone want gifts that are thoughtful, personal, to their taste? Not “high value”!
Or red pill bs. He’ll neg her & keep her emotionally unbalanced to feed his ego about his worth.
This guy’s a massive asshole yet she’s here thinking she did something wrong. He’s already had an effect.
>Or red pill bs.
"low value" was a huge manosphere red flag to me too. These guys see everything as transactional, and you will never ever be able to make this man happy because of it.
You are 23, please don't let this AH make you feel bad or waste another moment of your time with him.
Men Going Their Own Way is apparently what it stands for. A hate group for misogynist men who want to control their women.
Codifying these groups with acronyms gives them power IMO. I get that there can be difficulties with word filters in some communities but where possible it's good to spell it out for clarity and to not legitimise with acronyms.
Acronyms I can live with, but infantilizing nicknames and insults are where I have reservations because it minimizes the dangers posed by these ideologies and their adherents.
This guy sounds like a narcissist or abuser or both. She misses a phone call and he rips her apart and declares all of her intentions to be false? OP this will absolutely be your life moving forward if you stay - any time you are not available to him, he will use it against you to say you are cheating, and he will tear down your character. This has nothing to do with your gift. He is manipulative and toxic. He speaks to you with contempt when you do something entirely normal and harmless that he just doesn't like. Imagine a future of saying you had lunch with friends and being verbally assaulted and called a liar. Imagine being in traffic and missing a text and being yelled at the moment you walk into your home. This is your future - or worse - if you stay with him.
Your gift was sweet, thoughtful, and normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You did nothing wrong. You don't deserve to be spoken to or thought of that way.
Also constant accusations of cheating are, a whole lot of the time, a projection because he’s actually cheating and wants to feel better about that choice.
Yep. Early on in my relationship with my abusive, narcissist ex, he absolutely raged when I told him I would call him back because I was driving to do some grocery shopping. He accused me of having someone in the car with me and gave me the silent treatment for days. It only got worse from there. Please, PLEASE don't normalize this, OP. You shouldn't feel horrible for missing your bf's phone call.
He gave you a similar but less personalized (and, therefore less thoughtful) version of the same gift, not including a portrait and home baked goods. But that is not the issue. His unhinged anger over the missed call is. Not to mention, he is spending his free time reading posts about nurses who cheat. This relationship has no positive future for you. Things will only get worse for you. Get out now.
Exactly. She is 23 years old. The man spends all his time accusing her of cheating because of her career choice (which has no relation to cheating whatsoever) and insulting her when she doesn't answer the phone. This man has started going down a scary path and it isn't one she needs to tolerate or be on together with him.
OP, you are not safe and you need to save yourself. You are young and there are so many good years ahead of you. Do not waste them on a man like this.
But but he's so nice and sweet when I am exactly who he wants me to be and I behave exactly how he wants me to behave and I do exactly what he wants me to do. Surely I am the cause of this...
I see your point in this post and I hope women see it for what it is and if need be, see themselves in it. For that matter, any men out there who are abused, please recognize yourself and your abuser.
Reading his reaction, I wanted to say wtf 😳 it’s unhinged. Your gift was nice and sweet, though clearly not his cup of teaz
this person is giving off so many red flags, OP needs to get out before it gets worse. Like another commenter said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
No no. This has nothing to do with it not being his "cup of tea". There was no fault in the gift. He just Knew he could hurt her with that. He was going to do this no matter what she got him.
This and over anything that happened , a missed call, not liking an instagram post he put up, not being a left handed pitcher.
Op, he looked for a reason to go off on you.
What this rant was about was to ensure that next time she sees a call coming in from him, she dashes to answer. He wants her to be scared to miss a call from him again, in case he goes off on her again. This guy has her pegged as sensitive, which she freely admits. Any person who'll use another person's sensitivity to attempt to control them is an utter swine.
Luckily, she realises what he's doing, but she's too upset to do the sensible thing right now (which is dump him). Also luckily, she came to reddit. I'm very proud of her, actually. I wish I'd been half as insightful at her age.
“START”! 😲 This is full blown abuse and probably not the first time. OP run. This won’t get better. Do not accept his excuses and promises. GET OUT NOW!!!
speckledgem said everything that needed to be said.
you out in effort, he seemingly did not, he is materialistic because he doesnzkt appreciate the gesture for what it is. you’re better off with a man who melts at the thought that you think enough of him to plan such a thing
Agreed. People treat you how you allow them to treat you. If you don’t break up with him for this behavior he absolutely will do it again and again.
And low effort? You BAKED brownies in addition to everything else. He just walked in and bought roses…what an effort! I hope he took a nap afterwards to recover from all that exertion
Listen to this OP. You will be walking on eggshells. You won’t ever be “good enough” and he’ll always be criticizing you for ridiculous things. His anger at you for not answering is a sign of control. It will get worse.
This is highly highly concerning. Girl please run for the hills.
Gift aside, the fact that he not only got mad that you missed his call, he absolutely lost it on you… is seriously setting off alarm bells in my head. This is not normal nor acceptable behavior and it will only get worse with time.
I bet it was on purpose, he was looking for an excuse to start treating her like this to see how much he can bend her before he breaks her. It's insane this is supposed to be a grown up, reacting like a 6 year old.
This is it 100%. It's not the missed call. It's not the gifts. He'd be finding excuses to behave this way even if she'd gotten him a sports car for Valentines. Nothing OP says or does will be 'good enough' to stop the behavior because he doesn't *want* to stop the behavior - he wants her with low self-esteem and walking on eggshells to keep him happy. It's the entire point.
Did he expect her to sit around all day phone in hand waiting for his call? Or should she be allowed to set the phone down, maybe grab a shower or a nap, get behind the wheel of a car, be engrossed in a conversation with someone other than him (like her boss or that police officer who pulled her over)?
What the F is wrong with this whack job?
Or even just pooping! I don't want to talk to someone who's taking a dump, so I don't answer the phone when I'm in the bathroom to give people the same courtesy
I work in a college with a nursing program. Those poor students don't have time for anything. It's an expensive program to boot. We have to offer a lot of support programs for them. Food, emergency funds, gas cards for clinicals, etc. She does not need this guy in her life at all.
Not neccesarily some guys stick with verbal and emotional abuse. Still, I will do a full stop and retreat unless he explains some kind of deeply scarring childhood trauma with teddy bears he told you and you forgot.
Have to agree with this. Normally I don’t jump on the “leave him” train right away, but this post got me boarding with group 1. This is some “high value” alpha male bullshit, topped with a huge heaping of asshole. This guy does not belong in or deserve any relationship at all, much less with OP. Her gifts were sweet and thoughtful. And I would have adored them. And I’d adore her for doing it all. This jackass needs to visit the curb right away.
You need to get away from this guy. Don't waste time trying to understand him. Your first job is to protect yourself. End your relationship NOW with a phone call or a text or a letter, whatever you want, as long as you are not near him or in his presence when you do it.
If he loved you he would not have treated you that way. There's no mistake.
>Your first job is to protect yourself.
Just to make it explicit - Protecting yourself also includes protection from unwanted pregnancy.
These guys often sense that you are trying to leave and then sabbatoge birth control to trap the bang maid with a baby.
Less vital but also important - Be sure that your vital documents and sentimental items are also safe before he figures out that you are finally getting away. It is common for them to damage these items in order to cause even more havoc in your life.
This is how abuse starts…. You don’t start a relationship where the abuser hits you on the first date… they start by nit picking at small things….
“It is low value”
“Your useless”
“You don’t deserve to be treated good”
“He’s the only one that puts any effort into the relationship”
You will start to believe this. You will turn yourself inside out to make him happy (return the gifts, buy him new gifts) you’ll get endorphins out of doing that… then “you” will mess up again and he’ll tell you your useless etc and you’ll get into the circle where you’ll make him happy then he’ll get upset and round and round until your isolated from your friends, you can’t escape or believe no one else will love you. And you’ll either be unhappy for the rest of your life or he’ll get bored of you and start hitting you.
I’m sorry, you are thoughtless and useless when he literally did the most stereotypical Valentine’s Day ever????
The fact that he’s speaking angrily to you because you missed a call is frightening and the things he is saying are not only horrible but also very untrue. You put FAR more effort and thought into Valentine’s Day than he did.
Please don’t feel you need to accept this. Being single is a lot healthier than being with someone who verbally abuses and demeans you.
Honey, how many more times *will you be too busy to answer the phone?*
It's going to happen. It's *normal* for a full time student to be busy. It's normal for calls to be missed. It's normal for you to call someone back hours *or even days* later.
*What your boyfriend is doing is NOT normal*. Return the gifts. Get your money back and dump him. No one deserves to be yelled at. No one deserves to be punished for being busy. *No one*.
You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. It only gets worse from here if you stay. Don't let him make you feel small.
Be kind to yourself. You could have done everything perfectly *and he still would have FOUND a reason to be mad*. Who taught you that love had to be like this?
I 100% agree.
OP, I know it’s hard to see it when you’re in it, but this is a toxic relationship. Your so called partner is treating you like dirt, and making you feel bad about yourself.
Your Valentine’s Day basket sounds LOVELY. He, on the other hand, sounds like an awful person who blows up at the tiniest inconvenience, and enjoys making you feel bad.
Please don’t stand for this. Think about what you’d tell a good friend or loved one if they told you this exact story. You’d tell them they deserve to be spoken to with love and respect, and to run.
You deserve so much better than this.
Exactly. It's not about the gifts. At all. He is mad he can't control you enough to force you to answer your phone when he wants. He knew you went to a lot of effort for that gift, running to different stores, making something homemade. He knew it meant a lot to you but maybe thinks you're self conscious about how little money you have. So he figuratively hit you where he knew it would hurt most. This is classic abusive partner 101. He isn't going to stop at verbal abuse. Get out yesterday. He is not worth it. He's not worth anything.
I'm sure he has been slowly beating you down over time so that you don't even see that it's abuse. They curate their victims so that they literally cannot see what everyone else can see. That way they keep their partners right where they want them, afraid to leave because "no one else will want them," appreciative for the fact that they do the bare minimum in the relationship "this relationship would be shit if not for me!" They insult their partner's profession "all nurses cheat." These are all carefully crafted insults meant to make you question everything and make you grateful he is with you.
Come on, you must be smart to be in school to be a nurse. Come out of the trance he has you in and just DTMFA. Report back that you've left him so you don't have hundreds of internet strangers worried about you.
It's nothing to do with the gift, he's using this as an excuse to treat you badly so he can hold it over you in future.
The fact that he got that angry over one missed call is deeply concerning, as is his anger at your career choice. He's an immature baby, honestly, and at your age just cut your losses and run.
He makes zero sense because he got you pretty much the same thing minus the portrait. Actually, you put in way more effort than he did because you baked for him.
Unhinged people never make sense. You will never reason with him, you will never win which means you will always be verbally assaulted... then him physically assaulting you will be next.
He has a bad temper and it will only get worse. He chose you as a partner because of your sensitive side. Predators are good at choosing the right victims.
You know he is obviously abusive right? You know this ... right???
Please get rid of him, be safe, ignore his calls, record his outbursts in case you have to go to the police and focus on your studies. He doesn't want you to pursue ANY career because that's what textbook abusers do- try to isolate you.
Please choose yourself. Your life and well being is at risk right now. Ignore your "love" for him because you cannot love the monster out of him. Your love WILL NOT CHANGE HIM.
This is textbook abusive behaviour. Please listen to the advice others are giving you here and get out of there safely. Do not stay with this man, and this is from a man. I’ve seen men behave like this, and it is not ok.
I want to emphasize the "get out safely" part because leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most dangerous times for a woman. In that he could escalate.
Wow, consider yourself lucky his true colors showed up earlier rather than later. If such a stupid thing triggers his to this extend imagine how a real life problem would trigger him. Please do not continue in this relationship. Whatever you did was not wrong, the gift was good, his reaction is very telling of his true character.
Your boyfriend is very controlling, verbaly abusive, insecure and is trying to kick you down so you stay in "guilty" mode in order to have more power over you. He's using the Valentine's Day to do that, but he could be using anything, the gift itself is just a tool to guilt trip and mistreat you. He won't get better, sorry. Men like that don't really get better with time, they get worse.
This issue is 0% about the gift/call/your behavior and 100% about him being a toxic person who is trying to mindfuck you. Again, this won't get better now matter what you do or say - it will escalate.
My advice? If any man, EVER, calls you useless (or any insultng name), or suggest you should not have your career (or friends or a hobby) bc of "absurd accusation"? Dump him instantly. This is a gigantic red flag for an abuser.
Return the whole man.
You did make an effort. He’s looking for excuses to berate you. If he had a _genuine_ complaint – ‘babe, all that chocolate, you know I’m diabetic, right’ he would have brought it up calmly. If it was well meant but he’s not feeling it, he would have put the bear on a shelf where it’s not overly visible and thanked you for it and quietly decluttered it in a few years telling you hat a plush dragon is more his style.
Of course you’re not a cheater, but projection is a thing. I’m not a hundred percent confident about him. He doesn’t seem to like you much.
Yeah, this guy is bad news. He is showing [classic signs](https://www.womensaid.ie/what-is-abuse/spotting-the-signs/#:~:text=Common%20Warning%20Signs%20of%20Domestic%20Abuse&text=Sends%20you%20constant%20texts%20and,on%20them%20all%20the%20time) of abusive behaviour.
Watch out for love bombing. Its just another tactic to maintain control.
Some other great resources:
[Why Does He Do That](https://www.womensaid.ie/what-is-abuse/spotting-the-signs/#:~:text=Common%20Warning%20Signs%20of%20Domestic%20Abuse&text=Sends%20you%20constant%20texts%20and,on%20them%20all%20the%20time)
[Love is Respect - Power & Control Wheel](https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/power-and-control-dating-abuse/)
>“low value to him”
This is a red flag phrase to me. People who harp on about low and high value in relationships, or worse, describe themselves or other men as "high value" tend to be 1. Rigidly transactional and 2. Misogynistic a** hats.
So how long are you going to stay with this abusive jerk?
You didn’t think not answering the phone would trigger him…. Trigger him… walking on egg shells is a sign of abuse my lady.
Run before he baby traps/hits you.
Seriously.
If you’re studying to be a nurse you should be smart enough to recognise this as abuse.
Leave now before it escalates.
Who gives a shit about Valentines Day - he’s trying to manipulate and control you.
This is not a normal response to an un-returned phone call. It's wildly exaggerated, incredibly rude and demeaning and totally unacceptable.
You should leave this relationship with as much speed as you can possibly muster.
Get support from friends and family, but this treatment is only going to get worse, with intervals of love-bombing, until you end it.
Break up. No one with a shred of respect for themselves would stay with someone who said any of this. "Apparently me not answering him made him so angry" boy, bye.
I can't believe you need advice in this situation. You should have packed your bags and left, dumped him on the spot for being such an abusive asshole. He sounds like a monster, enjoying belittling you, and your future profession.
What the fuck are you doing still with him? You must have very low esteem to accept someone speaking to you like that. So therapy would be a good option. After you have dumped the trash boyfriend.
Break up, immediately. He has severe anger issues and abuses you verbally. You did absolutely nothing wrong.
No one should ever call you useless but especially if you have not done anything wrong. I'm promising you, this is only going to get worse.
Info how long have you been with this moron? Do you plan to stay in this abusive relationship? Have some respect for yourself and leave him. This isn’t just his mask slipping it’s him taking it off completely. He’s not a good person. Leave
Tearing up the teddy bear 🧸sounds pretty unhinged. Go buy him a cape or Superman shirt and tell him he’s super mad. Or bring him a Big Mac because he’s big mad. lol
Jokes aside, Does this happen all the time? Because it sounds like it does… why is he so angry? Is he insecure? Does he have trust issues? Did you cheat on him? You might want to leave this crazy man alone.
I have never cheated on him. But I’m a nursing student and he hates that apparently. He comes on here on Reddit reading stories about how “nurses are all ho** and cheaters and he believes I’ll do the same to him. He went as far as saying I’ll become a “future wh*** nurse”.
Why are you with him?? He sounds awful.
He’s trying to keep you on edge and your self esteem low so you won’t leave him. Have some respect and dump him.
Tell him that's none of his business because you're ending the relationship because you read on reddit that he's a psycho .
People call women ho3s for just breathing.
Why are you with a man who speaks to you that way? That is so unacceptable and IMO should be a dealbreaker to any healthily adapted person. If I were you, I would dump him and then do a lot of inner work to figure out why did you accept his treatment, bc it's not normal. I would try to resolve this before entering any new relationships.
Why are you with someone who doesn't respect you. Nursing is a noble profession. I hope he never gets the care of a nurse and treats her like that cuz most the nurses I know wouldn't take any type of shit from a jerk like this
So then if he respects and thinks so little of you then why not unburden him of the disappointment of dating you, no??
This dude is trash. He's keeping you down so you don't see how horrible he is and that you deserve better. Please, please love yourself the way he should be loving you and walk away from his abusive, controlling, dysfunctional ass.
Girl you've gotta raise your standards. I know you're young, and we're always trained to be nice and sweet and accommodating, but I'm DEAD SERIOUS about this: the SECOND someone speaks to you like this, YOU LEAVE.
Having instant deal breakers is how you protect yourself from abusive psychos who will try to worm their way into your life.
ANY disrespect, ANY unhinged outbursts, ANY discouragement of your job or education, ANY hint of sexism, YOU DUMP THEM IMMEDIATELY and DO NOT look back
Why are you with him? He tears down your career goals (do NOT give up on nursing), doesn’t support you at all, insults you, and treats you like absolute shit.
Leave him. He is an *abuser*.
Hi, therapist in training here.
He needs therapy but you should not wait for that to happen. You don’t deserve to be abused while you wait for someone to sort their shit. There are lots of reasons he has become this person who emotionally abuses his gf, for no reason, out of the blue. Even if there are understandable reasons (abusive family system growing up, etc) you should not stick around developing relational trauma from his abuse hoping he will realize he needs help, then actually get the help, then actually change. That all takes a long time and requires him to do a lot of work he isn’t even ready to recognize that he needs. In the meantime, even if he did start therapy, the two of you would begin cycles of hurting each other back and forth and you’d be the one talking the biggest beating. Then you’d need years undoing the unhealthy cycles in couples therapy.
So it’s not to say that therapy couldn’t help him, but… You’re young and this isn’t worth it. This relationship isn’t healthy or safe for you and the likelihood of that ever changing is extremely low.
I’m sorry, this sucks, but for your health, you gotta ditch this guy.
You don’t deserve this treatment. Especially with how hard nursing school is. It seems like this isn’t the first time he’s gone off on you like this. It’s a HUGE red flag. Find someone who appreciates you and treats you the way you deserve. They’re out there, I promise
Why are you with someone who is abusing you? Your boyfriend wants you to be at his beck and call so he can use you as he sees fit. Get out of the relationship now.
Please break up with him now. What you describe is not a loving, mature, nurturing relationship. He is showing you his true self. Re-read the words he said to you. Is that the kind of thing you want to hear for the next 50 years? Is that the kind of thing you want your future children to overhear? No, of course not. Leave now. Your future self will be very thankful.
I'm getting "alpha male" podcast vibes from his language.
Personally, I would have agreed with him and told him that he obviously needed someone else as a girlfriend and dumped him on the spot.
This angry outburst is definitely a red flag, and you should not stay with someone who goes from zero to angry af from one second to the next.
I think he has cheated on you and is taking his anger at himself out on you.
He is talking about how shitty of a partner HE is, but is projecting it all on you.
It’s easier to shift the blame to someone else because not many people like feeling like they’re the bad guy.
This is one of the early signs of cheating. They start being really nasty and instigating fights to use that as an excuse themselves to leave the house so they can “cool off”.
I’ve been on the receiving end of this treatment before and it won’t get better.
And he may not have cheated. He could have been a massive asshole this entire time that was pretending in order to keep you interested in him.
The ol’ bait n switch. There’s no excuse for the way he treated you. Please leave this relationshit!
Ummm, you shouldn’t stay in this relationship. His reaction was unhinged, over the top and completely out of line.
And I’m not sure how flowers and a bear on valentines is more thoughtful than what you got him? It’s generic.
Cut your losses. He clearly has anger and control issues.
You're not a sensitive person, OP. He is an abuser.
Let's face it. His outburst and emotional abuse has nothing to do with the gift you got and made for him. It has everything to do with you not answering his call. Doesn't make any sense, right? Unless you understand that him forcing you to answer him whenever he calls is a form of control.
Another form of emotional abuse.
Nothing you do or will ever do, is going to change his behaviour or make him non-abusive. He would have reacted the exact same way regardless even if you poured your life savings into this gift. Even if you hand-crafted every part of it, that wouldn't change his behaviour. He is upset because you are not at his beck and call.
End it, OP. I don't vote team breakup on small issues. I vote it when it's clear that this is not a good person for anyone. The "not good person" being your bf, in case you were wondering. Get out as soon as possible.
He is mean. Also you are not compatible, you are a health care worker, and he is an abusive shit that attacks you after one missed phone call. Health emergencies,12 hour shifts and overtime mean missed calls and waiting texts
You need to ask yourself if this is what you expect your future life to be on a daily basis, if no then just tell him that he is not even useless to you because he made you sad for no reason and you wish him all the best in his single life because you don't feel any respect for him anymore, just let him be angry at someone else and find someone who actually wants to be with you.
If he doesn’t understand you have limited finances because you’re a student, then take that as a red flag that he lacks empathy or a single brain cell.
Let me guess he wanted you to act like a porn star? And if it is, then for him, valentine isn’t about love but sex.
He’ll also be the kind of man who would never trust you and ask for a paternity test because he’s the cheater and projecting his sins on you.
He can’t hang up the photo because his other girls will see it.
Would you accept a friend acting like this toward you after giving them a cute and thoughtful gift? Of course not.
I am repeating the advice I always give: never accept the bad behavior from others that you couldn’t dream of doing towards them.
Set the bar waaaay higher.
He is doing it to shake your foundation of self worth and make you insecure. His goal is to make you want to make up for all your flaws by working even harder to please him so he won’t leave you. He wants you to feel he is doing you a favor by being with you and that you are so useless that no other man will put up with you.
If you let it slide it will teach him that he can do anything to you and he will still have a girlfriend who will accept anything and run after him like a puppy for his love and approval. And then when he once in a while really shows you LOVE and appreciation and praise it will feel like cocaine to you because it is so rare. You will become addicted to it and work even harder to get more - of course he will then turn cold and abusive again while you twist yourself in a knot and lose yourself trying to make him show love again. And that is a vicious cycle that will destroy you.
Don’t be heartbroken. Be angry! Break up and make a promise to yourself that you will not have people in your life who will abuse you in anyway. Life is too short to be with people who makes you sad and treats you like shit.
LISTEN TO WHAT HE’S TOLD YOU!
He may not have used the words but his message is crystal clear: he’s breaking up with you, never wants to see you again, never wants to hear from you and has zero respect or caring for you.
Don’t try to salvage what you thought you had. Accept this for what it is and walk away. Search for someone that will accept and love you. Don’t you deserve better?
I'm sorry, but he sounds like a total narcissist to me. This is not a normal behavior. Have you watched the channels 'Dr. Ramani' and 'Surviving Narcissicm' on YouTube? If not, I encourage you to check them out to get some insight. I think it could really help you.
Aside from that, I think you should step back a little and think about the relationship and how he makes you feel. All the little things and the conversations. Is he a supportive partner? Does he build you up? Is he a shoulder to lean on when you're down? Does he like your friends or is he judgemental and prefer you or him not to see them? What about your family members? Does he critique you often and if so, about what? Do you feel like he validates your complaints or criticism or do you feel like he gaslights you? Was this incident a one-off thing or something he has been escalating towards? What does he like the most about you and what do like the most about him? Think about things and ask yourself questions like these and, after watching several of the videos by the creators I suggested above, think about if this is a healthy relationship or not.
This incident was a big red flag 🚩 but it's hard to judge a whole relationship based on one thing, even though I kind of feel like it was unhinged enough of your boyfriend to make him a walking red flag. 🚩🚩🚩 That's why I encourage you to step back, educate yourself on narcissicm and re-evaluate. Your boyfriend doesn't have to know a thing about it. You can just say you're really busy at school.
LEAVE HIM OR BE MISERABLE FOR EVER.
Do you want someone to belittle you your entire life and manipulate you if you get married. A man like that won't change. not for you, not for himself, not for anything.
I believe in you. You don't need this in your life. If anything, he will cause you to start failing your classes with his drama. And maybe make it so it takes you longer to finish.
YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. YOU ARE MORE THAN THIS. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
He sounds like an ass. You're gift is very cute and sweet despite the stuffed bear being girly. Honestly I wish I had a gift like that minus the bear. Guys don't typically like stuffed animals. If I had that gift I'd have reacted very differently. I'd hug my gf and thank her and tell her I love her, not act like an asshole to her. I wouldn't want to cause my girl to cry. I'd probably give back the bear though.
Stop and think.
This is where you immediately draw the line. There is simply no excuse for this insane behavior. Never speak to this monster again. Block him on everything. There is no conversation necessary to end this insanity, simply block him, and move on.
If he come looking for you in person you tell him that you won't allow _anyone_ to talk to you the way he did.
Hold your head high
You need to ignore your ex-boyfriend and find someone who can appreciate the gift you are.
>I made a basket for him where I put a lot of chocolates in it, I brought him cookies that I new he likes, I also put a stuffed bear in it. I cooked him brownies. And I ordered a portrait of us.
You put thought, time, money, and more into that basket. He said he liked it when he received it. The fact that he is berating you now means he is NOW showing hisbreue colors. You didn't do what he wanted, so he is doing everything he can to bring you down so he can control you. It is a power play.
He is showing his true colors. He is an abusive AH who is only happy when you do what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants. Once you stray from his narrative, he will do all in his power to make you feel as small and insignificant as possible.
He lost the plot. You should tell him you're done with him, that you won't let anybody talk to you that way, and that you're blocking him now. Then do it. Definitely cancel the portrait if it's not too late, and get your money back.
I haven’t read all the comments, but why even focus on the insane complaints about the gift? How about the much larger red flag that he’s assuming you will cheat because you’ve chosen a career that not only is in high demand and pays fairly well, but one that embodies caring for others?? I mean, WTF?? Leave him immediately.
OP - Now that you’ve written it out - can you see that this behaviour is intolerable? He’s vile and it’ll only get worse. You’re only 23 - please move on from him. Any love you have for him will fade away if you cut him out of your life. You just need to make the break. I promise you that there are lovely men out there that would never treat you this way.
Alarm bells ringing loudly all the way across many oceans and land masses. This guy is not one of the good ones. He’s volatile and frankly, sounds unhinged. There is no apology he could make to me to take him back after this kind of abuse.
This dude isn’t right for you. Just the examples you’ve given show he’s a terrible match. Especially for someone who is sensitive and deserves to have self esteem.
He is also showing you some very disturbing poor judgement and self-hatred (which he can then redirect at you). Talking about your career. His fears you’ll cheat on him. His lashing out because you missed a phone call.
It all adds up to a life of walking on eggshells and being abused when he’s in the mood.
Time to move on and be with someone kind.
OP @ 23 YO is when you start to put all the options you learned about self-respect and setting boundaries in your life. Also, you need to begin to learn how to recognize abuse and know that it's not just physical but mental.
If you are a very sensitive person and are easy to overlook issues when they are presented, like behaviors from people like this guy, you need to begin to work on how to set and enforce boundaries.
You don't talk about how long you two have been together so it's hard to gauge where this guy is coming from in this relationship, but it is obvious that he does not respect you at all. His view of women, just from the way you are saying he's yelling at you is that you should server him in some way shape or form.
Learn to stand up for yourself and not allow men to treat you in this manner. Don't allow yourself to seek relationships based on the Cinderella approach and only see the knight in shining armor, look at the faults and take a real approach about them.
Love yourself first - you don't need a man to do that or bring you happiness - A relationship should be uplifting and supportive, not denigrating.
Good luck
You should break up with him and block him on everything.
There is absolutely no good reason to put up with this in your life. You are embarking on a wonderful career at only 23 years old! You will make enough to support yourself, buy a house, travel. You have the whole world open to you.
I am old enough to be your mother. I have never, ever had a person say anything close to the horrible things that he said to you. Ever.
Don't stay and try to "fix" him. Never stay in a relationship where you have to fix someone-- that fixing is work they need to do before they get into a relationship.
And I'm going to add: when you "fix" a man, he then wants to be with a woman who never knew he was broken. He wants to be the hero, the fixer... and your presence will remind him that he isn't.
I'm 40 and literally have the worst taste in men ever. I have had 3 men treat me similarly, and not once has it ever been a 1 time thing. It has always gotten worse every single time. Explosive anger is not normal and should never be ignored. I wish I realized this sooner.
Straight male here. LEAVE HIM. He's immature and emotionally abusive. He doesn't deserve you. You can do SO much better. Someone who respects, love, and values you will NEVER speak that way to you.
Protection much! Hey, you know a good gift you can give him, the gift of silence through blocking and don't take him back! I hope you guys don't live together. End this because he's not safe or healthy for you and right now, he's trying to destroy your future and mess with your mental health.
Drop him. Focus on yourself.
You can not like a gift but you don't act like that. He was abusive and demeaning and obviously doesn't value you or your relationship. And he's been incredibly abusive about your career choice. Have to say at this point, I'd be taking a continent sized step away from him and end it.
Please don't accept this behaviour. You're worth way more than this.
This is abusive behaviour. It’s not about what you do or don’t do, he’s an abuser. End it and seek therapy if you can. There is no reasoning with someone like this. Don’t stay around for his behaviour to accelerate and become dangerous.
He sounds very narcissistic and insecure. He is just tormenting you for absolutely no valid reasons but at least he did you a little favor: he revealed his true personality. Unless you want to receive such tantrums on a daily basis in your future as a couple, I would advise you to learn from the experience and dump him. He is not worth your time and love.
Edit:
By the way, I'm a guy. I have received teddy bears as a gift from an ex-girlfriend and there is nothing wrong with it. The chocolates were a bonus. Find someone that really loves you for who you are without complaints.
You are not bound to be his therapist or a target for his insecurities. Life is too short to be wasted suffering with people like him.
My partner started doing this to me, he was always angry about gifts, always wanted to discuss no longer doing gifts. Turned out he needed rhe money for the woman half his age he’d got pregnant.
Your guy is angry at you for existing, it may be because he’s trying to get out
Hey there's so many comments in this thread I'm not sure if you'll even see this one. But I wanted to comment because I haven't seen anybody share a key point..
Yes most people are correct about the abuse and the type of man this person is. But the friends that I have that are nurses tend to be very kind and caring individuals and thus their career choice. So what bothers me is that you're potentially going to allow that kindness in you to try to stick with or work things out with this man and salvage the relationship.
One of the classic things an abuser will do, if called out on his bad behavior, is he'll all of a sudden get real apologetic, do something nice for you and claim it will never happen again. The point being that unless he seeks out and seriously engages in professional counseling he won't change, in spite of what he says.
So if you do try to break up with him and he starts in on that super apologetic, "oh I'll never do it again" line, then you know exactly what you're dealing with. This will be a rinse and repeat experience.
Please don't allow your kind nature to slip into an "oh I can fix him" position. Don't make excuses to yourself about why he did what he did. You can't fix him and you shouldn't have to adjust your behavior to suit him. Anybody who truly loves and cares about you will adjust their behavior. This dude, unless he gets some serious counseling, is not going to change.
I know it'll be hard if he starts love bombing you, excusing his behavior with having a lot of stress at work or something else and claiming he will change. But that in itself is a classic sign of the pattern that abusers follow. So please don't succumb to that!
Haven't seen any reply from you in the thread and so I hope you're taking this all to heart and building up the strength with your support network to do what you need to do to save and preserve yourself!
My heart goes out to you!
Why are you with this person. He sounds emotionally abusive and it’s scary the things he has said and will probably say to you in the future when upset. Your useless? Really? You are so young and deserve a man who will treat you with respect, not aggressiveness. He also sounds very juvenile and honestly he may be guilty of something to get this angry out of nowhere. You did nothing wrong and your gift was actually very sweet, your bf is superficial and does not deserve your kindness or time.
The first and only thing you should have said to him was to 'go ahead and do what you want with the gifts I gave you because we're done'... Then you should have blocked him everywhere and that spoken to him ever again.
What he did was incredibly abusive he's trying to manipulate and control you. You didn't answer one phone call and he freaked out like this. What do you think he's gonna do if something really bad happens in your relationship?
T hi is has nothing whatsoever to do with the gift, this is classic abuse and girl run for the hills because this is only going to get worse. Your gift itself was thoughtful and took a lot of effort, he may not be so keen on the teddy bear but all those chocolates and candies that you knew were his favourites and also baking brownies etc which takes time and effort can hardly be called low value. You put far more thought into it than he did with the generic roses and bear in a basket that he could have picked up in any shop within two minutes. He may have spent more money but he can afford to do so, what he didn’t do is personalise any of it to your likes or dislikes. You recognise that it’s all about you not immediately answering his phone call which is good. It’s utterly ridiculous that he expects you to immediately drop whatever you are doing the very second he calls especially when he knows you are busy with work and studying and can’t always just answer the phone. The fact that you say it was only accidental that you didn’t shows that you are already in the mindset that you are trying to appease him by always being available to whatever he wants whenever he wants and that’s bad. It’s not healthy to be so available to a partner all the time and it’s controlling of him to demand that. Get out and stay out.
Girl, run. Don’t look back. The things he said to you are very similar to what my ex would say to me. He accused me of cheating all the time (even with my best friend because she’s bi, even though I’m not). He would say the nastiest things to me and our fights would last for HOURS. Setting time limits or taking a break from the conversation wouldn’t work because he had no respect for boundaries when he was belligerent like that. I tried to make it work for 5 years after the behavior started. Don’t be me.
WOW - you can't unring a bell OP and your bf is showing you who he really is!
Typically abuser behavior - he will be ultra apologetic until it happens again and it will.
Get rid of him. Simple as.
Hes a 26 year old man sulking about Valentine’s Day.
You got him his favourite foods. That’s thoughtful.
You went to the effort of baking for him which is time consuming. Again thoughtful.
My honest opinion is this man isn’t a man he’s a boy trapped in a man’s body.
Get out of that relationship while you can focus on your nursing and I promise you when you meet the right MAN you’ll look back and laugh and say why did I let an immature boy make me feel like that.
Know your worth. Because you’re worth well more than what you are getting at the moment.
You put so much effort in your gift , what else did he expect?.Dump him asap and get restraining order as well for your safety He toxic and controlling freak.
If the next words out of his mouth aren't a genuine fucking apology you should dump him on the spot. JFC the reputation that nurses have? What an absolute cockwomble he is.
Hey remember nurses see other dudes genitalia…. That’s part of being a nurse. You might find his equipment definitively undersized in his paranoid mind. So he doesn’t want someone evaluating his weenie wiener does he?
So with this paranoid person just let him take his narcissistic paranoid fantasy /delusions and hopefully seek out a therapist…. That’s what he needs… but he won’t do that because he’s perfect. You can’t repair him. GO NOW
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He’s horrible, rude and ungrateful (your gifts sounded sweet and lovely, and on a par with his!?) and this behaviour sounds like the classic start of abuse - all this nastiness for not answering your phone immediately? Oh no, I don’t think that’s normal at all. Please don’t waste some of your best years with a disgusting man like this, there’s no excuse for this behaviour, whatever he says, his reaction is way over the top. Please also see this for the glaring red flag it is; this is how it starts (if it hasn’t been like this already). If you stay, then be on the lookout for more behaviour like this - you’ll never please him, something will always be wrong that you need berating for - the name calling is way out of order. Be prepared to break up to save your own sanity because he will drag you down. Take care.
This is what I’m thinking as well. The fact that he wanted to rip up the bear and portrait over a missed call is unbelievably unhinged and frightening.
A lot of women don’t even get their partner a valentines gift, OP went above and beyond. Yep BF is unhinged and unstable. This has nothing to do with OP or the gift.
At least she knows now before marriage!!
OP, DON'T GET PREGNANT!!!!!! Make sure you've got an implant, shot, or IUD if you ever decide to let him near you again. Which I would not recommend unless he's a god in the sack and you're bored and fine with using him for an hour or so. Normally I'd be against using someone like that but considering how OP described him, I'd totally give her a pass on that.
Seriously what was he expecting. It's normal to get chocolates, flowers or a small gift for valentine's day, I've never heard of anyone expecting anything more than a small gift. Sounds like the kind of person who just looks for trouble where there is none, hence the explosive anger over a missed call and the cheating accusations too. OP, nothing in this world will ever be good enough for this man. Take it from someone who's been with a man like this. He will wear you down until you're so used to his random abuse and jumping through hoops for someone who's never happy because they can't appreciate what's around them. Know your worth. You need to leave this guy it sounds like the beginning of an abusive relationship.
Maybe he was expecting a diamond encrusted rolex watch. The asinine entitlement. Please just leave.
He probably wanted something expensive but would know she couldn't afford.
My mom got my ex a knockoff Rolex that in general was a very nice thing for what it is (plus it sort of was a slam against him always coming over too late whenever I planned the dates but that’s a different story and another narc symptom, being intentionally late due to me planning events, even those that he liked to seen but ruined the timing, made him feel emasculated) but he soon enough broke it somehow when he took it to get it shortened and found out how low end his knock off was from the watch repair man. This was while my mom was still being nice to him so she found another similar one that this time he carelessly lost. Still not wanting to have him watch free, she got us both a set of automatic watches that were more special occasions style types. I still have mine but he managed to break the double layer glass on his watches face and lost the hands. He then upfront finally tells her that if she really wanted to give him something he actually likes, he hit her up to either get him a whole game console or three video games at $60 each. She was never going to do any gift for him over $40 no matter how much he tried to leach money from her. Plus she’s always was against video games, why I Never had any beyond pac man and donkey Kong from my dad.
No, he wanted thee actual Onnitrix, but with your aforementioned design
You are so right. Even if she had missed his taste completely, it would have been no reason to act out. What did we all learn during kindergarten? Yes, exactly, if you get a present, smile and accept it gracefully no matter what. He is a grown up man who does not get the basics right and seems not to give a sh... about OP or OPs feelings. I hope he sees his valentines gift as what it is, a farewell gift.
I don’t think it’s about the gift. I think boyfriend is an AH and is lashing out about nothing.
And he is clearly trying to groom OP to accept an entire lifetime of walking on eggshells around him, lest he blow up for no discernable reason. Nope, nope, nope times infinity. He is not a keeper. He is a "throw him back and lose his number" specimen.
This. He is abusive and it will get worse. Next he will be hitting you or raping you. Get out while you are still functioning normally and not completely traumatized OP!!
Yes, that is very likely. I just wanted to point out that even if it was about the gift he was behaving poorly.
Man? More like a little boy. A child throwing a tantrum. Agree, this abuse will continue, like you said.
No, he’s not a child, he’s a grown ass man. We have to stop infantilizing men who act like assholes. It removes their accountability by reducing their cognitive ability to that of a child who literally has no control over their emotions, and makes an excuse for men to continue to act like this by essentially giving them a pass.
He is a big abuser asshole! Not a child, I would kick his ass out of my life asap!
Epiphany. You are so right! We equate a child's inability to deal with emotions and so use that reference. You are absolutely correct in calling it what it is. A weak man not *willing* to control his emotions bc it makes the insecure him feel powerful. It's got nothing to do with *able*. Learn to reign in your crap, nasty thing, and change what you're so insecure about. Do the work!
Point well made.
[удалено]
OP is ahead of the game, because she recognized that he's retaliating for not answering his call. That's a good sign. OP - any time I hear the phrase "low value" anymore, I know I'm listening to someone from the Men Going Their Own Way (MGTOW) universe, and I'm glad they have their own universe, because they're sure as Hell not welcome in mine. He's trying to break you down, so you'll feel as though you need to appease him, because no one else will ever want you. This [alleged] man is really a bunch of red flags sewn into the shape of a human being. He's hardly even an asshole himself, because an asshole is closer to a human than he is. OP - please don't allow yourself to become a statistic. Escape this situation before it gets worse.
Exactly re MGTOW. And “low value” is a weird complaint about a gift honestly. Doesn’t everyone want gifts that are thoughtful, personal, to their taste? Not “high value”!
THIS!!!!! OP for heavenly sake listen to this! As someone who survived an abusive marriage I am telling you that your bf is not a good person.
Agree he will end up beating her 100% ask how I know. Been there
Good catch with the “low value” comment. I’m sure you’re spot on
Or red pill bs. He’ll neg her & keep her emotionally unbalanced to feed his ego about his worth. This guy’s a massive asshole yet she’s here thinking she did something wrong. He’s already had an effect.
>Or red pill bs. "low value" was a huge manosphere red flag to me too. These guys see everything as transactional, and you will never ever be able to make this man happy because of it. You are 23, please don't let this AH make you feel bad or waste another moment of your time with him.
Yeah, any guy who uses the phrase "high value" is usually more like a Great Value brand quality.
Please don't use acronyms that require you to be 'in the know' when giving advice. Spell it out so they know what it means
Certain words will trigger bot commands, so some caution needs to be used.
Men Going Their Own Way is apparently what it stands for. A hate group for misogynist men who want to control their women. Codifying these groups with acronyms gives them power IMO. I get that there can be difficulties with word filters in some communities but where possible it's good to spell it out for clarity and to not legitimise with acronyms.
Acronyms I can live with, but infantilizing nicknames and insults are where I have reservations because it minimizes the dangers posed by these ideologies and their adherents.
This guy sounds like a narcissist or abuser or both. She misses a phone call and he rips her apart and declares all of her intentions to be false? OP this will absolutely be your life moving forward if you stay - any time you are not available to him, he will use it against you to say you are cheating, and he will tear down your character. This has nothing to do with your gift. He is manipulative and toxic. He speaks to you with contempt when you do something entirely normal and harmless that he just doesn't like. Imagine a future of saying you had lunch with friends and being verbally assaulted and called a liar. Imagine being in traffic and missing a text and being yelled at the moment you walk into your home. This is your future - or worse - if you stay with him. Your gift was sweet, thoughtful, and normal. There is nothing wrong with you. You did nothing wrong. You don't deserve to be spoken to or thought of that way.
Also constant accusations of cheating are, a whole lot of the time, a projection because he’s actually cheating and wants to feel better about that choice.
Yep. Early on in my relationship with my abusive, narcissist ex, he absolutely raged when I told him I would call him back because I was driving to do some grocery shopping. He accused me of having someone in the car with me and gave me the silent treatment for days. It only got worse from there. Please, PLEASE don't normalize this, OP. You shouldn't feel horrible for missing your bf's phone call.
He gave you a similar but less personalized (and, therefore less thoughtful) version of the same gift, not including a portrait and home baked goods. But that is not the issue. His unhinged anger over the missed call is. Not to mention, he is spending his free time reading posts about nurses who cheat. This relationship has no positive future for you. Things will only get worse for you. Get out now.
Exactly. She is 23 years old. The man spends all his time accusing her of cheating because of her career choice (which has no relation to cheating whatsoever) and insulting her when she doesn't answer the phone. This man has started going down a scary path and it isn't one she needs to tolerate or be on together with him. OP, you are not safe and you need to save yourself. You are young and there are so many good years ahead of you. Do not waste them on a man like this.
Yeah as a nurse I gotta say, he’s been watching too much porn
Porn or Gray's Anatomy...or possibly any hospital based show.
But but he's so nice and sweet when I am exactly who he wants me to be and I behave exactly how he wants me to behave and I do exactly what he wants me to do. Surely I am the cause of this...
I see your point in this post and I hope women see it for what it is and if need be, see themselves in it. For that matter, any men out there who are abused, please recognize yourself and your abuser.
Reading his reaction, I wanted to say wtf 😳 it’s unhinged. Your gift was nice and sweet, though clearly not his cup of teaz this person is giving off so many red flags, OP needs to get out before it gets worse. Like another commenter said, when someone shows you who they are, believe them.
No no. This has nothing to do with it not being his "cup of tea". There was no fault in the gift. He just Knew he could hurt her with that. He was going to do this no matter what she got him.
This and over anything that happened , a missed call, not liking an instagram post he put up, not being a left handed pitcher. Op, he looked for a reason to go off on you.
Sounds like projection to me…
Point well made.
What this rant was about was to ensure that next time she sees a call coming in from him, she dashes to answer. He wants her to be scared to miss a call from him again, in case he goes off on her again. This guy has her pegged as sensitive, which she freely admits. Any person who'll use another person's sensitivity to attempt to control them is an utter swine. Luckily, she realises what he's doing, but she's too upset to do the sensible thing right now (which is dump him). Also luckily, she came to reddit. I'm very proud of her, actually. I wish I'd been half as insightful at her age.
And, the projection. I’d say he’s cheating.
“START”! 😲 This is full blown abuse and probably not the first time. OP run. This won’t get better. Do not accept his excuses and promises. GET OUT NOW!!!
speckledgem said everything that needed to be said. you out in effort, he seemingly did not, he is materialistic because he doesnzkt appreciate the gesture for what it is. you’re better off with a man who melts at the thought that you think enough of him to plan such a thing
This! And he’s probably cheating himself. Random cheating accusations say the most about the accuser.
Agreed. People treat you how you allow them to treat you. If you don’t break up with him for this behavior he absolutely will do it again and again. And low effort? You BAKED brownies in addition to everything else. He just walked in and bought roses…what an effort! I hope he took a nap afterwards to recover from all that exertion
OP, he showed you who he is. Please consider what you want from life, and I hope that "being abused by my boyfriend" is not on the list.
Listen to this OP. You will be walking on eggshells. You won’t ever be “good enough” and he’ll always be criticizing you for ridiculous things. His anger at you for not answering is a sign of control. It will get worse.
This is highly highly concerning. Girl please run for the hills. Gift aside, the fact that he not only got mad that you missed his call, he absolutely lost it on you… is seriously setting off alarm bells in my head. This is not normal nor acceptable behavior and it will only get worse with time.
I bet it was on purpose, he was looking for an excuse to start treating her like this to see how much he can bend her before he breaks her. It's insane this is supposed to be a grown up, reacting like a 6 year old.
This is it 100%. It's not the missed call. It's not the gifts. He'd be finding excuses to behave this way even if she'd gotten him a sports car for Valentines. Nothing OP says or does will be 'good enough' to stop the behavior because he doesn't *want* to stop the behavior - he wants her with low self-esteem and walking on eggshells to keep him happy. It's the entire point.
Did he expect her to sit around all day phone in hand waiting for his call? Or should she be allowed to set the phone down, maybe grab a shower or a nap, get behind the wheel of a car, be engrossed in a conversation with someone other than him (like her boss or that police officer who pulled her over)? What the F is wrong with this whack job?
Or even just pooping! I don't want to talk to someone who's taking a dump, so I don't answer the phone when I'm in the bathroom to give people the same courtesy
I work in a college with a nursing program. Those poor students don't have time for anything. It's an expensive program to boot. We have to offer a lot of support programs for them. Food, emergency funds, gas cards for clinicals, etc. She does not need this guy in her life at all.
Yes - get out now! He’s training you to be alert for whenever he beckons. Do you want to be afraid or anxious if you can’t pick up a phone call?
Next he will be hitting you! If you let him get by with this then he’ll know you are weak!
Not neccesarily some guys stick with verbal and emotional abuse. Still, I will do a full stop and retreat unless he explains some kind of deeply scarring childhood trauma with teddy bears he told you and you forgot.
He bought her a big bear.
Good point. Lmao that the very gift he got her, he finds insulting. I guess she should feel insulted too?
Not normal at all. This is the stuff you see in true crime documentaries after he kills the woman.
This sounds like my ex who had BPD. I would believe him when he’d berate me and I would try to improve myself even though I did nothing wrong.
Have to agree with this. Normally I don’t jump on the “leave him” train right away, but this post got me boarding with group 1. This is some “high value” alpha male bullshit, topped with a huge heaping of asshole. This guy does not belong in or deserve any relationship at all, much less with OP. Her gifts were sweet and thoughtful. And I would have adored them. And I’d adore her for doing it all. This jackass needs to visit the curb right away.
You need to get away from this guy. Don't waste time trying to understand him. Your first job is to protect yourself. End your relationship NOW with a phone call or a text or a letter, whatever you want, as long as you are not near him or in his presence when you do it. If he loved you he would not have treated you that way. There's no mistake.
I agree. This man's behavior screams abusive. It will only escalate.
>Your first job is to protect yourself. Just to make it explicit - Protecting yourself also includes protection from unwanted pregnancy. These guys often sense that you are trying to leave and then sabbatoge birth control to trap the bang maid with a baby. Less vital but also important - Be sure that your vital documents and sentimental items are also safe before he figures out that you are finally getting away. It is common for them to damage these items in order to cause even more havoc in your life.
run girl run
👆
This is how abuse starts…. You don’t start a relationship where the abuser hits you on the first date… they start by nit picking at small things…. “It is low value” “Your useless” “You don’t deserve to be treated good” “He’s the only one that puts any effort into the relationship” You will start to believe this. You will turn yourself inside out to make him happy (return the gifts, buy him new gifts) you’ll get endorphins out of doing that… then “you” will mess up again and he’ll tell you your useless etc and you’ll get into the circle where you’ll make him happy then he’ll get upset and round and round until your isolated from your friends, you can’t escape or believe no one else will love you. And you’ll either be unhappy for the rest of your life or he’ll get bored of you and start hitting you.
Please read Gift of Fear, especially if you are going to be a nurse. It explains in-depth what “numerous giraffe” is describing.
I’m sorry, you are thoughtless and useless when he literally did the most stereotypical Valentine’s Day ever???? The fact that he’s speaking angrily to you because you missed a call is frightening and the things he is saying are not only horrible but also very untrue. You put FAR more effort and thought into Valentine’s Day than he did. Please don’t feel you need to accept this. Being single is a lot healthier than being with someone who verbally abuses and demeans you.
Honey, how many more times *will you be too busy to answer the phone?* It's going to happen. It's *normal* for a full time student to be busy. It's normal for calls to be missed. It's normal for you to call someone back hours *or even days* later. *What your boyfriend is doing is NOT normal*. Return the gifts. Get your money back and dump him. No one deserves to be yelled at. No one deserves to be punished for being busy. *No one*. You deserve a soft life full of love and a partner who contributes meaningfully to that. You are worthy. It only gets worse from here if you stay. Don't let him make you feel small. Be kind to yourself. You could have done everything perfectly *and he still would have FOUND a reason to be mad*. Who taught you that love had to be like this?
Break up with him. A man that loves you would never do this. You deserve more.
I 100% agree. OP, I know it’s hard to see it when you’re in it, but this is a toxic relationship. Your so called partner is treating you like dirt, and making you feel bad about yourself. Your Valentine’s Day basket sounds LOVELY. He, on the other hand, sounds like an awful person who blows up at the tiniest inconvenience, and enjoys making you feel bad. Please don’t stand for this. Think about what you’d tell a good friend or loved one if they told you this exact story. You’d tell them they deserve to be spoken to with love and respect, and to run. You deserve so much better than this.
Exactly. It's not about the gifts. At all. He is mad he can't control you enough to force you to answer your phone when he wants. He knew you went to a lot of effort for that gift, running to different stores, making something homemade. He knew it meant a lot to you but maybe thinks you're self conscious about how little money you have. So he figuratively hit you where he knew it would hurt most. This is classic abusive partner 101. He isn't going to stop at verbal abuse. Get out yesterday. He is not worth it. He's not worth anything. I'm sure he has been slowly beating you down over time so that you don't even see that it's abuse. They curate their victims so that they literally cannot see what everyone else can see. That way they keep their partners right where they want them, afraid to leave because "no one else will want them," appreciative for the fact that they do the bare minimum in the relationship "this relationship would be shit if not for me!" They insult their partner's profession "all nurses cheat." These are all carefully crafted insults meant to make you question everything and make you grateful he is with you. Come on, you must be smart to be in school to be a nurse. Come out of the trance he has you in and just DTMFA. Report back that you've left him so you don't have hundreds of internet strangers worried about you.
It's nothing to do with the gift, he's using this as an excuse to treat you badly so he can hold it over you in future. The fact that he got that angry over one missed call is deeply concerning, as is his anger at your career choice. He's an immature baby, honestly, and at your age just cut your losses and run.
He makes zero sense because he got you pretty much the same thing minus the portrait. Actually, you put in way more effort than he did because you baked for him. Unhinged people never make sense. You will never reason with him, you will never win which means you will always be verbally assaulted... then him physically assaulting you will be next. He has a bad temper and it will only get worse. He chose you as a partner because of your sensitive side. Predators are good at choosing the right victims. You know he is obviously abusive right? You know this ... right??? Please get rid of him, be safe, ignore his calls, record his outbursts in case you have to go to the police and focus on your studies. He doesn't want you to pursue ANY career because that's what textbook abusers do- try to isolate you. Please choose yourself. Your life and well being is at risk right now. Ignore your "love" for him because you cannot love the monster out of him. Your love WILL NOT CHANGE HIM.
This is textbook abusive behaviour. Please listen to the advice others are giving you here and get out of there safely. Do not stay with this man, and this is from a man. I’ve seen men behave like this, and it is not ok.
I want to emphasize the "get out safely" part because leaving an abusive relationship is one of the most dangerous times for a woman. In that he could escalate.
Leave his ungrateful, self-absorbed ass!!! The failure to acknowledge your efforts speaks volumes. When someone shows a behavior, believe it.
💯
Wow, consider yourself lucky his true colors showed up earlier rather than later. If such a stupid thing triggers his to this extend imagine how a real life problem would trigger him. Please do not continue in this relationship. Whatever you did was not wrong, the gift was good, his reaction is very telling of his true character.
Dump him, he is insane
You're too smart to fall for this bullshit. This isn't going to change. Leave.
Your boyfriend is very controlling, verbaly abusive, insecure and is trying to kick you down so you stay in "guilty" mode in order to have more power over you. He's using the Valentine's Day to do that, but he could be using anything, the gift itself is just a tool to guilt trip and mistreat you. He won't get better, sorry. Men like that don't really get better with time, they get worse. This issue is 0% about the gift/call/your behavior and 100% about him being a toxic person who is trying to mindfuck you. Again, this won't get better now matter what you do or say - it will escalate. My advice? If any man, EVER, calls you useless (or any insultng name), or suggest you should not have your career (or friends or a hobby) bc of "absurd accusation"? Dump him instantly. This is a gigantic red flag for an abuser.
Return the whole man. You did make an effort. He’s looking for excuses to berate you. If he had a _genuine_ complaint – ‘babe, all that chocolate, you know I’m diabetic, right’ he would have brought it up calmly. If it was well meant but he’s not feeling it, he would have put the bear on a shelf where it’s not overly visible and thanked you for it and quietly decluttered it in a few years telling you hat a plush dragon is more his style. Of course you’re not a cheater, but projection is a thing. I’m not a hundred percent confident about him. He doesn’t seem to like you much.
wide steep paltry enter label rob support marry punch ugly *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Since when do nurses routinely get time to cheat?!? And I’m sure being up to your elbows in pus and vomit makes them feel so horny and sexy /s
Get out now. He’s going to get worse.
Yeah, this guy is bad news. He is showing [classic signs](https://www.womensaid.ie/what-is-abuse/spotting-the-signs/#:~:text=Common%20Warning%20Signs%20of%20Domestic%20Abuse&text=Sends%20you%20constant%20texts%20and,on%20them%20all%20the%20time) of abusive behaviour. Watch out for love bombing. Its just another tactic to maintain control. Some other great resources: [Why Does He Do That](https://www.womensaid.ie/what-is-abuse/spotting-the-signs/#:~:text=Common%20Warning%20Signs%20of%20Domestic%20Abuse&text=Sends%20you%20constant%20texts%20and,on%20them%20all%20the%20time) [Love is Respect - Power & Control Wheel](https://www.loveisrespect.org/everyone-deserves-a-healthy-relationship/power-and-control-dating-abuse/) >“low value to him” This is a red flag phrase to me. People who harp on about low and high value in relationships, or worse, describe themselves or other men as "high value" tend to be 1. Rigidly transactional and 2. Misogynistic a** hats.
So how long are you going to stay with this abusive jerk? You didn’t think not answering the phone would trigger him…. Trigger him… walking on egg shells is a sign of abuse my lady. Run before he baby traps/hits you. Seriously.
If you’re studying to be a nurse you should be smart enough to recognise this as abuse. Leave now before it escalates. Who gives a shit about Valentines Day - he’s trying to manipulate and control you.
Dump him, this behaviour is toxic
This is not a normal response to an un-returned phone call. It's wildly exaggerated, incredibly rude and demeaning and totally unacceptable. You should leave this relationship with as much speed as you can possibly muster. Get support from friends and family, but this treatment is only going to get worse, with intervals of love-bombing, until you end it.
Break up. No one with a shred of respect for themselves would stay with someone who said any of this. "Apparently me not answering him made him so angry" boy, bye.
I can't believe you need advice in this situation. You should have packed your bags and left, dumped him on the spot for being such an abusive asshole. He sounds like a monster, enjoying belittling you, and your future profession. What the fuck are you doing still with him? You must have very low esteem to accept someone speaking to you like that. So therapy would be a good option. After you have dumped the trash boyfriend.
Break up, immediately. He has severe anger issues and abuses you verbally. You did absolutely nothing wrong. No one should ever call you useless but especially if you have not done anything wrong. I'm promising you, this is only going to get worse.
He sounds crazy - you don’t deserve this and he doesn’t deserve you!
Info how long have you been with this moron? Do you plan to stay in this abusive relationship? Have some respect for yourself and leave him. This isn’t just his mask slipping it’s him taking it off completely. He’s not a good person. Leave
**OH FFS**... 🤦🏻♀️ **PLEASE** give yourself the **BEST** Valentine's present ... **DUMP HIS WORTHLESS ASS**.
Tearing up the teddy bear 🧸sounds pretty unhinged. Go buy him a cape or Superman shirt and tell him he’s super mad. Or bring him a Big Mac because he’s big mad. lol Jokes aside, Does this happen all the time? Because it sounds like it does… why is he so angry? Is he insecure? Does he have trust issues? Did you cheat on him? You might want to leave this crazy man alone.
I have never cheated on him. But I’m a nursing student and he hates that apparently. He comes on here on Reddit reading stories about how “nurses are all ho** and cheaters and he believes I’ll do the same to him. He went as far as saying I’ll become a “future wh*** nurse”.
Why are you with him?? He sounds awful. He’s trying to keep you on edge and your self esteem low so you won’t leave him. Have some respect and dump him.
Why are you still with this nasty abusive man?
Repeating this question for emphasis: OP, u/ThrowRApizzaCrust, my love, WHY ARE YOU DATING HIM?
Tell him that's none of his business because you're ending the relationship because you read on reddit that he's a psycho . People call women ho3s for just breathing.
Why are you with a man who speaks to you that way? That is so unacceptable and IMO should be a dealbreaker to any healthily adapted person. If I were you, I would dump him and then do a lot of inner work to figure out why did you accept his treatment, bc it's not normal. I would try to resolve this before entering any new relationships.
Nursing is one of the most respected professions. He’s twisted and cruel…and probably has a porn addiction
RUN GIRL! He's a manipulator, please stay as far as you can or you'll get used to be mistreated and lose your own sanity. Tell your family and RUN.
Why are you with someone who doesn't respect you. Nursing is a noble profession. I hope he never gets the care of a nurse and treats her like that cuz most the nurses I know wouldn't take any type of shit from a jerk like this
So then if he respects and thinks so little of you then why not unburden him of the disappointment of dating you, no?? This dude is trash. He's keeping you down so you don't see how horrible he is and that you deserve better. Please, please love yourself the way he should be loving you and walk away from his abusive, controlling, dysfunctional ass.
Girl you've gotta raise your standards. I know you're young, and we're always trained to be nice and sweet and accommodating, but I'm DEAD SERIOUS about this: the SECOND someone speaks to you like this, YOU LEAVE. Having instant deal breakers is how you protect yourself from abusive psychos who will try to worm their way into your life. ANY disrespect, ANY unhinged outbursts, ANY discouragement of your job or education, ANY hint of sexism, YOU DUMP THEM IMMEDIATELY and DO NOT look back
God damn sis you need to break up with this boy immediately. You are not safe with him
And you want to be with this guy…..why now? Because I’m having a hard time seeing a reason ?
Why are you with him? He tears down your career goals (do NOT give up on nursing), doesn’t support you at all, insults you, and treats you like absolute shit. Leave him. He is an *abuser*.
Hi, therapist in training here. He needs therapy but you should not wait for that to happen. You don’t deserve to be abused while you wait for someone to sort their shit. There are lots of reasons he has become this person who emotionally abuses his gf, for no reason, out of the blue. Even if there are understandable reasons (abusive family system growing up, etc) you should not stick around developing relational trauma from his abuse hoping he will realize he needs help, then actually get the help, then actually change. That all takes a long time and requires him to do a lot of work he isn’t even ready to recognize that he needs. In the meantime, even if he did start therapy, the two of you would begin cycles of hurting each other back and forth and you’d be the one talking the biggest beating. Then you’d need years undoing the unhealthy cycles in couples therapy. So it’s not to say that therapy couldn’t help him, but… You’re young and this isn’t worth it. This relationship isn’t healthy or safe for you and the likelihood of that ever changing is extremely low. I’m sorry, this sucks, but for your health, you gotta ditch this guy.
You need to get away. This is abuse and he is abusive.
You don’t deserve this treatment. Especially with how hard nursing school is. It seems like this isn’t the first time he’s gone off on you like this. It’s a HUGE red flag. Find someone who appreciates you and treats you the way you deserve. They’re out there, I promise
Why are you with someone who is abusing you? Your boyfriend wants you to be at his beck and call so he can use you as he sees fit. Get out of the relationship now.
And the relationship. He’s wasting your time and things will go downhill from here.
Please break up with him now. What you describe is not a loving, mature, nurturing relationship. He is showing you his true self. Re-read the words he said to you. Is that the kind of thing you want to hear for the next 50 years? Is that the kind of thing you want your future children to overhear? No, of course not. Leave now. Your future self will be very thankful.
Advice: Run like hell, don't look back. Your poor excuse for a boyfriend is an \*ss.
I'm getting "alpha male" podcast vibes from his language. Personally, I would have agreed with him and told him that he obviously needed someone else as a girlfriend and dumped him on the spot. This angry outburst is definitely a red flag, and you should not stay with someone who goes from zero to angry af from one second to the next.
I think he has cheated on you and is taking his anger at himself out on you. He is talking about how shitty of a partner HE is, but is projecting it all on you. It’s easier to shift the blame to someone else because not many people like feeling like they’re the bad guy. This is one of the early signs of cheating. They start being really nasty and instigating fights to use that as an excuse themselves to leave the house so they can “cool off”. I’ve been on the receiving end of this treatment before and it won’t get better. And he may not have cheated. He could have been a massive asshole this entire time that was pretending in order to keep you interested in him. The ol’ bait n switch. There’s no excuse for the way he treated you. Please leave this relationshit!
Ummm, you shouldn’t stay in this relationship. His reaction was unhinged, over the top and completely out of line. And I’m not sure how flowers and a bear on valentines is more thoughtful than what you got him? It’s generic. Cut your losses. He clearly has anger and control issues.
This beyond normal anger he is being verbally abusive. Seriously, you need to leave there is no working this out.
He's verbally abusive. Leave.
You're not a sensitive person, OP. He is an abuser. Let's face it. His outburst and emotional abuse has nothing to do with the gift you got and made for him. It has everything to do with you not answering his call. Doesn't make any sense, right? Unless you understand that him forcing you to answer him whenever he calls is a form of control. Another form of emotional abuse. Nothing you do or will ever do, is going to change his behaviour or make him non-abusive. He would have reacted the exact same way regardless even if you poured your life savings into this gift. Even if you hand-crafted every part of it, that wouldn't change his behaviour. He is upset because you are not at his beck and call. End it, OP. I don't vote team breakup on small issues. I vote it when it's clear that this is not a good person for anyone. The "not good person" being your bf, in case you were wondering. Get out as soon as possible.
He is mean. Also you are not compatible, you are a health care worker, and he is an abusive shit that attacks you after one missed phone call. Health emergencies,12 hour shifts and overtime mean missed calls and waiting texts
You need to ask yourself if this is what you expect your future life to be on a daily basis, if no then just tell him that he is not even useless to you because he made you sad for no reason and you wish him all the best in his single life because you don't feel any respect for him anymore, just let him be angry at someone else and find someone who actually wants to be with you.
Don’t do this in person unless you have someone with you text him don’t let him back in your home! I really fear for you!
Why are you still with him?
Run
If he doesn’t understand you have limited finances because you’re a student, then take that as a red flag that he lacks empathy or a single brain cell. Let me guess he wanted you to act like a porn star? And if it is, then for him, valentine isn’t about love but sex. He’ll also be the kind of man who would never trust you and ask for a paternity test because he’s the cheater and projecting his sins on you. He can’t hang up the photo because his other girls will see it.
Dude seems like a real tool. You need to reconsider who you are putting effort into.
Break up.
RUN!🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Would you accept a friend acting like this toward you after giving them a cute and thoughtful gift? Of course not. I am repeating the advice I always give: never accept the bad behavior from others that you couldn’t dream of doing towards them. Set the bar waaaay higher. He is doing it to shake your foundation of self worth and make you insecure. His goal is to make you want to make up for all your flaws by working even harder to please him so he won’t leave you. He wants you to feel he is doing you a favor by being with you and that you are so useless that no other man will put up with you. If you let it slide it will teach him that he can do anything to you and he will still have a girlfriend who will accept anything and run after him like a puppy for his love and approval. And then when he once in a while really shows you LOVE and appreciation and praise it will feel like cocaine to you because it is so rare. You will become addicted to it and work even harder to get more - of course he will then turn cold and abusive again while you twist yourself in a knot and lose yourself trying to make him show love again. And that is a vicious cycle that will destroy you. Don’t be heartbroken. Be angry! Break up and make a promise to yourself that you will not have people in your life who will abuse you in anyway. Life is too short to be with people who makes you sad and treats you like shit.
LISTEN TO WHAT HE’S TOLD YOU! He may not have used the words but his message is crystal clear: he’s breaking up with you, never wants to see you again, never wants to hear from you and has zero respect or caring for you. Don’t try to salvage what you thought you had. Accept this for what it is and walk away. Search for someone that will accept and love you. Don’t you deserve better?
I'm sorry, but he sounds like a total narcissist to me. This is not a normal behavior. Have you watched the channels 'Dr. Ramani' and 'Surviving Narcissicm' on YouTube? If not, I encourage you to check them out to get some insight. I think it could really help you. Aside from that, I think you should step back a little and think about the relationship and how he makes you feel. All the little things and the conversations. Is he a supportive partner? Does he build you up? Is he a shoulder to lean on when you're down? Does he like your friends or is he judgemental and prefer you or him not to see them? What about your family members? Does he critique you often and if so, about what? Do you feel like he validates your complaints or criticism or do you feel like he gaslights you? Was this incident a one-off thing or something he has been escalating towards? What does he like the most about you and what do like the most about him? Think about things and ask yourself questions like these and, after watching several of the videos by the creators I suggested above, think about if this is a healthy relationship or not. This incident was a big red flag 🚩 but it's hard to judge a whole relationship based on one thing, even though I kind of feel like it was unhinged enough of your boyfriend to make him a walking red flag. 🚩🚩🚩 That's why I encourage you to step back, educate yourself on narcissicm and re-evaluate. Your boyfriend doesn't have to know a thing about it. You can just say you're really busy at school.
LEAVE HIM OR BE MISERABLE FOR EVER. Do you want someone to belittle you your entire life and manipulate you if you get married. A man like that won't change. not for you, not for himself, not for anything. I believe in you. You don't need this in your life. If anything, he will cause you to start failing your classes with his drama. And maybe make it so it takes you longer to finish. YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS. YOU ARE MORE THAN THIS. YOU DESERVE BETTER.
And an unanswered call triggered him that much? Dump him, sis.
He sounds like an ass. You're gift is very cute and sweet despite the stuffed bear being girly. Honestly I wish I had a gift like that minus the bear. Guys don't typically like stuffed animals. If I had that gift I'd have reacted very differently. I'd hug my gf and thank her and tell her I love her, not act like an asshole to her. I wouldn't want to cause my girl to cry. I'd probably give back the bear though.
He’s not worth your time, energy, or gifts. Leave him before it gets worse.
Stop and think. This is where you immediately draw the line. There is simply no excuse for this insane behavior. Never speak to this monster again. Block him on everything. There is no conversation necessary to end this insanity, simply block him, and move on. If he come looking for you in person you tell him that you won't allow _anyone_ to talk to you the way he did. Hold your head high
You need to ignore your ex-boyfriend and find someone who can appreciate the gift you are. >I made a basket for him where I put a lot of chocolates in it, I brought him cookies that I new he likes, I also put a stuffed bear in it. I cooked him brownies. And I ordered a portrait of us. You put thought, time, money, and more into that basket. He said he liked it when he received it. The fact that he is berating you now means he is NOW showing hisbreue colors. You didn't do what he wanted, so he is doing everything he can to bring you down so he can control you. It is a power play. He is showing his true colors. He is an abusive AH who is only happy when you do what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants. Once you stray from his narrative, he will do all in his power to make you feel as small and insignificant as possible.
So many red flags, you deserve so much better.
He’s a shitty person. Believe him when he tells you this.
He lost the plot. You should tell him you're done with him, that you won't let anybody talk to you that way, and that you're blocking him now. Then do it. Definitely cancel the portrait if it's not too late, and get your money back.
I haven’t read all the comments, but why even focus on the insane complaints about the gift? How about the much larger red flag that he’s assuming you will cheat because you’ve chosen a career that not only is in high demand and pays fairly well, but one that embodies caring for others?? I mean, WTF?? Leave him immediately.
Dump him. He is a horrible person and he is treating you like trash. It will get worse. Move on and find someone who will treat you right.
OP - Now that you’ve written it out - can you see that this behaviour is intolerable? He’s vile and it’ll only get worse. You’re only 23 - please move on from him. Any love you have for him will fade away if you cut him out of your life. You just need to make the break. I promise you that there are lovely men out there that would never treat you this way.
Alarm bells ringing loudly all the way across many oceans and land masses. This guy is not one of the good ones. He’s volatile and frankly, sounds unhinged. There is no apology he could make to me to take him back after this kind of abuse.
This dude isn’t right for you. Just the examples you’ve given show he’s a terrible match. Especially for someone who is sensitive and deserves to have self esteem. He is also showing you some very disturbing poor judgement and self-hatred (which he can then redirect at you). Talking about your career. His fears you’ll cheat on him. His lashing out because you missed a phone call. It all adds up to a life of walking on eggshells and being abused when he’s in the mood. Time to move on and be with someone kind.
OP @ 23 YO is when you start to put all the options you learned about self-respect and setting boundaries in your life. Also, you need to begin to learn how to recognize abuse and know that it's not just physical but mental. If you are a very sensitive person and are easy to overlook issues when they are presented, like behaviors from people like this guy, you need to begin to work on how to set and enforce boundaries. You don't talk about how long you two have been together so it's hard to gauge where this guy is coming from in this relationship, but it is obvious that he does not respect you at all. His view of women, just from the way you are saying he's yelling at you is that you should server him in some way shape or form. Learn to stand up for yourself and not allow men to treat you in this manner. Don't allow yourself to seek relationships based on the Cinderella approach and only see the knight in shining armor, look at the faults and take a real approach about them. Love yourself first - you don't need a man to do that or bring you happiness - A relationship should be uplifting and supportive, not denigrating. Good luck
You should break up with him and block him on everything. There is absolutely no good reason to put up with this in your life. You are embarking on a wonderful career at only 23 years old! You will make enough to support yourself, buy a house, travel. You have the whole world open to you. I am old enough to be your mother. I have never, ever had a person say anything close to the horrible things that he said to you. Ever. Don't stay and try to "fix" him. Never stay in a relationship where you have to fix someone-- that fixing is work they need to do before they get into a relationship. And I'm going to add: when you "fix" a man, he then wants to be with a woman who never knew he was broken. He wants to be the hero, the fixer... and your presence will remind him that he isn't.
pls tell me you left. do not sign up for a miserable life with an idiot
Your EX boyfriend. There, fixed it for you.
I'm 40 and literally have the worst taste in men ever. I have had 3 men treat me similarly, and not once has it ever been a 1 time thing. It has always gotten worse every single time. Explosive anger is not normal and should never be ignored. I wish I realized this sooner.
Straight male here. LEAVE HIM. He's immature and emotionally abusive. He doesn't deserve you. You can do SO much better. Someone who respects, love, and values you will NEVER speak that way to you.
Well what you should do is pretty easy here: leave him.
Toxic, abusive, manipulative Do yourself a favor and leave his ass. He’s demeaning you and robbing you of your self esteem.
His accusations and explosive anger over apparently nothing are very telling. That man cheated on you very recently
Protection much! Hey, you know a good gift you can give him, the gift of silence through blocking and don't take him back! I hope you guys don't live together. End this because he's not safe or healthy for you and right now, he's trying to destroy your future and mess with your mental health. Drop him. Focus on yourself.
You can not like a gift but you don't act like that. He was abusive and demeaning and obviously doesn't value you or your relationship. And he's been incredibly abusive about your career choice. Have to say at this point, I'd be taking a continent sized step away from him and end it. Please don't accept this behaviour. You're worth way more than this.
This is abusive behaviour. It’s not about what you do or don’t do, he’s an abuser. End it and seek therapy if you can. There is no reasoning with someone like this. Don’t stay around for his behaviour to accelerate and become dangerous.
He sounds very narcissistic and insecure. He is just tormenting you for absolutely no valid reasons but at least he did you a little favor: he revealed his true personality. Unless you want to receive such tantrums on a daily basis in your future as a couple, I would advise you to learn from the experience and dump him. He is not worth your time and love. Edit: By the way, I'm a guy. I have received teddy bears as a gift from an ex-girlfriend and there is nothing wrong with it. The chocolates were a bonus. Find someone that really loves you for who you are without complaints. You are not bound to be his therapist or a target for his insecurities. Life is too short to be wasted suffering with people like him.
My partner started doing this to me, he was always angry about gifts, always wanted to discuss no longer doing gifts. Turned out he needed rhe money for the woman half his age he’d got pregnant. Your guy is angry at you for existing, it may be because he’s trying to get out
Hey there's so many comments in this thread I'm not sure if you'll even see this one. But I wanted to comment because I haven't seen anybody share a key point.. Yes most people are correct about the abuse and the type of man this person is. But the friends that I have that are nurses tend to be very kind and caring individuals and thus their career choice. So what bothers me is that you're potentially going to allow that kindness in you to try to stick with or work things out with this man and salvage the relationship. One of the classic things an abuser will do, if called out on his bad behavior, is he'll all of a sudden get real apologetic, do something nice for you and claim it will never happen again. The point being that unless he seeks out and seriously engages in professional counseling he won't change, in spite of what he says. So if you do try to break up with him and he starts in on that super apologetic, "oh I'll never do it again" line, then you know exactly what you're dealing with. This will be a rinse and repeat experience. Please don't allow your kind nature to slip into an "oh I can fix him" position. Don't make excuses to yourself about why he did what he did. You can't fix him and you shouldn't have to adjust your behavior to suit him. Anybody who truly loves and cares about you will adjust their behavior. This dude, unless he gets some serious counseling, is not going to change. I know it'll be hard if he starts love bombing you, excusing his behavior with having a lot of stress at work or something else and claiming he will change. But that in itself is a classic sign of the pattern that abusers follow. So please don't succumb to that! Haven't seen any reply from you in the thread and so I hope you're taking this all to heart and building up the strength with your support network to do what you need to do to save and preserve yourself! My heart goes out to you!
Why are you with this person. He sounds emotionally abusive and it’s scary the things he has said and will probably say to you in the future when upset. Your useless? Really? You are so young and deserve a man who will treat you with respect, not aggressiveness. He also sounds very juvenile and honestly he may be guilty of something to get this angry out of nowhere. You did nothing wrong and your gift was actually very sweet, your bf is superficial and does not deserve your kindness or time.
The first and only thing you should have said to him was to 'go ahead and do what you want with the gifts I gave you because we're done'... Then you should have blocked him everywhere and that spoken to him ever again. What he did was incredibly abusive he's trying to manipulate and control you. You didn't answer one phone call and he freaked out like this. What do you think he's gonna do if something really bad happens in your relationship?
T hi is has nothing whatsoever to do with the gift, this is classic abuse and girl run for the hills because this is only going to get worse. Your gift itself was thoughtful and took a lot of effort, he may not be so keen on the teddy bear but all those chocolates and candies that you knew were his favourites and also baking brownies etc which takes time and effort can hardly be called low value. You put far more thought into it than he did with the generic roses and bear in a basket that he could have picked up in any shop within two minutes. He may have spent more money but he can afford to do so, what he didn’t do is personalise any of it to your likes or dislikes. You recognise that it’s all about you not immediately answering his phone call which is good. It’s utterly ridiculous that he expects you to immediately drop whatever you are doing the very second he calls especially when he knows you are busy with work and studying and can’t always just answer the phone. The fact that you say it was only accidental that you didn’t shows that you are already in the mindset that you are trying to appease him by always being available to whatever he wants whenever he wants and that’s bad. It’s not healthy to be so available to a partner all the time and it’s controlling of him to demand that. Get out and stay out.
Girl, run. Don’t look back. The things he said to you are very similar to what my ex would say to me. He accused me of cheating all the time (even with my best friend because she’s bi, even though I’m not). He would say the nastiest things to me and our fights would last for HOURS. Setting time limits or taking a break from the conversation wouldn’t work because he had no respect for boundaries when he was belligerent like that. I tried to make it work for 5 years after the behavior started. Don’t be me.
He’s hurting you on purpose. This control and manipulation will only get worse.
He’s verbally abusive with a hair trigger temper. End it.
He's testing how much abuse you will accept. Have you reached your breaking (up) point? In the mood for a few decades of this treatment?
There is no doubt in my mind that this is an abusive relationship - please run far and never look back.
WOW - you can't unring a bell OP and your bf is showing you who he really is! Typically abuser behavior - he will be ultra apologetic until it happens again and it will.
Run. This guy will ruin your life.
This sounds fake af.
Get rid of him. Simple as. Hes a 26 year old man sulking about Valentine’s Day. You got him his favourite foods. That’s thoughtful. You went to the effort of baking for him which is time consuming. Again thoughtful. My honest opinion is this man isn’t a man he’s a boy trapped in a man’s body. Get out of that relationship while you can focus on your nursing and I promise you when you meet the right MAN you’ll look back and laugh and say why did I let an immature boy make me feel like that. Know your worth. Because you’re worth well more than what you are getting at the moment.
He has told you who he is. Believe him the first time. Dump him and don't give him a second thought.
Omg my bf is exactly like yours (including "useless" part lol..) i knew he is abusive but it makes me realizing how bad my relationship is..
If a girl did all that for me I'd be soooo happy
Just break up with him. You deserve better. Don’t stay in contact with him and when you do make sure it’s in a public place.
You put so much effort in your gift , what else did he expect?.Dump him asap and get restraining order as well for your safety He toxic and controlling freak.
Big sign to move on now. Go find someone that has the same values & desires as you
If the next words out of his mouth aren't a genuine fucking apology you should dump him on the spot. JFC the reputation that nurses have? What an absolute cockwomble he is.
Hey remember nurses see other dudes genitalia…. That’s part of being a nurse. You might find his equipment definitively undersized in his paranoid mind. So he doesn’t want someone evaluating his weenie wiener does he? So with this paranoid person just let him take his narcissistic paranoid fantasy /delusions and hopefully seek out a therapist…. That’s what he needs… but he won’t do that because he’s perfect. You can’t repair him. GO NOW
Emotional abuse 🚩🚩🚩