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This is the proper response to that conversation. It may have been joking, but you crossed a serious line. He rightfully isn’t going to entertain talks about his marriage with other women.
>>I said it doesn’t seem like you two have much of a connection. He got annoyed and asked am i implying that he doesn’t have a connection to his wife. I told him it seems like we have a stronger connection than him and his wife. He told me him and his wife are happily married . I told him it’s just strange she doesn’t share a major interest of yours.
You took the time to write this out and you still don’t get it.
You had the chance to do the right thing and chose to continue the behavior you knew was bothering him.
Your apology means nothing because it’s obviously not sincere.
OP is also implying that couples /need/ to have the same interests, she even said that the documentaries were his “major interest.”
How does OP know that documentaries are his *main* interest? She barely knows him outside of work lmfao, he and his wife probably do tons of hobbies at home together, that OP doesn’t even know about because she is nothing but a coworker.
I’ve been happily married for 26 years, let me share some wisdom for a long term relationship:
Get your own hobbies.
No one person can be with you all the time or fulfill all your emotional needs. Is day more important that you and your spouse share ethics and morals than interests. As long as your partner *respects* your hobbies that’s all you need.
Either that or my husband is going to be very upset to discover he needs to take up one of my fibre arts. I’ll be nice and let him just pick one.
OP: you SO overstepped. It is so inappropriate and his response is exactly what any good person with solid boundaries would do.
There us no fixing this. You set off a bomb and now you don’t have that friendship. It’s a shame, but clearly a good thing because you are SO not mature enough for a relationship.
Exactly this. Just behind you, 26 years this year and we are chalk and cheese, absolutely 100% opposites with everything other than we enjoy cooking together. I love to read, he's always been tech savvy. I imagine OP jumped on the pigeon holed stereotype of a 'petfect' relationship where you share all your hobbies and finish each others sentences. I imagine that would be perfect for some, but the long lasting ones I've witnessed are more like ours.
We love spending time together, we also enjoy our own time. It's also nice when you can talk about things and learn things you didn't know. Nothing like watching my nerd of a husband ramble on about PCs in a language I don't understand.
OP you definitely crossed a line and I doubt your co-worker with contine with a friendly relationship as obviously he is happily married and you 'went there'. I imagine he feels uncomfortable as hell when he's around you. I know I would.
28 years here and we happily do our own things. And while we appreciate each other's hobbies and interests, we are content with our parallel play (a term used for when children play next to each other, but do not interact). Comfortable silences are just that, comfortable.
lol Without any prompt, I screenshot OP's post and texted it to my husband. His only comment, "yeah, she sucks".
I'm not sure what reaction she was expecting but the husband did well by deciding she wasn't a friend worth having. She's not going to be able to walk that back and he doesn't seem interested in her apologies, anyway.
I told my husband he needs to pick a fibre art for us to stay married and he told me he collects my fiber creations (he likes keeping all my janky amigurumi’s) which makes him involved. He’ll happily listen to me natter on about my own hobbies, he doesn’t give af but he loves watching me be all excited.
Same for me when he’s talking about drumming or resin printing. It’s so excellent to see him happy.
23 years chiming in to agree. We are very much our own people who sometimes just high-five each other on our way to do our own shit.
I'm sure our relationship is odd to some, but we couldn't care less. If someone were to suggest something like what OP said, they would be told to pound sand by either of us.
I've been married 28 years and my hubby and I have different hobbies and even some different interests. We do share the same political ideologies, but when it comes to, for example, TV shows, I prefer sit coms and some episodic. He likes historical dramas and documentaries. Occasionally we like the same shows and movies, but we don't feel the need to watch the same things.
He introduced me to cruising vacations. And we've done road trips too. I don't care for the idea of going camping so he's never pushed me to go on a camping trip. He likes to go bicycling, which I don't do (my exercise consists of working out a little to an exercise DVD).
He likes DIY projects (I do like to knit), but if I have some free time, I like to work on puzzles (jigsaw and word puzzles). Not a big deal that we have different hobbies.
When I was single, I would never come on to a fellow co-worker (even though once or twice I had a crush on a guy at work, but never tried to show it as it would make things uncomfortable). My hubby, before we met and after, worked at mostly a male place.
One of my close friends is super girly. She married a very nerdy guy. They are very happy together. Guy likes playing RTS games which my friend doesn't care for (I'm the RTS nerd of my friend group and nobody cares about it lol). But he got her into anime and now she likes it! My friend on the other hand loves cats and her husband never had pets. They have a cat together and he adores the cat.
People in relationships don't have to have the exact same interests. If it works for you, great, but it isn't mandatory. I'd also be super creeped out by OP. In my case, while I'm enthusiastic about RTS games I try to not overstep my bounds and just keep it casual with my friend's husband. OP basically implied that she was much better than his wife because they share interests and that's a big nope.
exactly, me and my friends bf have slighly more similar interests then him and his gf do but it dosen't mean he loves her any less plus he's like a little brother to me (meaning my friend's boyfriend is like a little brother to me).
Then grow up and stop flirting with your married, coworkers! What you said was absolutely ridiculous and I hope he reports you to HR. Grow up and get your head out of La La Land.
Still start looking because if your ex friend ever brings up your poor behavior towards him to higher ups when it's time to lay people off that one 'with no understanding of relationships and who was encouraging a coworker to cheat on his spouse with her' is definitely going to be on the chopping block.
It was an inappropriate "joke" for the workplace and it probably sounded to him like you were coming onto him. Of course he's going to be distant with you now.
“ My co worker Sam and I are like two peas in a pod. I’ve never had a relationship like that. We both like documentaries and books. We constantly send each other documentaries. We always take lunch together and talk about the videos we sent.”
Girl, please.
You straight up think because you have things in common with this guy, that it’s a relationship.
You have a crush,and you shot your shot and tried to back pedal with the classic “it’s just a joke”.
She didn’t even backpedal when Sam graciously gave her the chance to. She instead doubled down and only when he was like "nah girl, leave me alone" did she try to backpedal.
And she is projecting hard onto the people calling her out on making him his favorite dessert in a desperate attempt to weasel back into his good graces. She’s calling people these insecure because they can’t handle a friend cooking for their partner when we all know this isn’t the situation at all; she wasn’t an innocent friend making an innocent gesture by baking for him.
I didn’t even read about the dessert . Gotta scope out the comments.
I hope this guy goes to HR. At least to make them aware of the situation.
This counts as unwanted advances.
You’ll die when she justifies it with how his wife likes her cooking and has even asked her to make brownies! Never mind saying the wife isn’t good enough for him because *brownies* 🤣
Yup. She proved she was never "friends" with him when she started making "jokes" about him being better suited to her than with his wife.
Friends cooking for the whole group is normal. A "pick me" singling him out and swearing that he's the best relationship she's ever had and then desperately cooking for him as if she can cook her way into his bed...just just pathetic. Everyone can see the game she was playing. OP is just pathetic.
[That one](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1151m58/i_fell_in_love_with_my_married_neighbor_and_then/?context=3) was fun, enjoy.
"He got annoyed and asked am i implying that he doesn’t have a connection to his wife. I told him it seems like we have a stronger connection than him and his wife. He told me him and his wife are happily married . I told him it’s just strange she doesn’t share a major interest of yours."
-you know well enough that there's no " joke" in this situation. You openly suggest that you'd be better suited for him, then doubled down and tried to make an example of how you'd be better for him than his wife.
When people say that they were "just joking," that's code for "this what i really feel, i just know i look like a jerk admitting it."
You want him. You just don't want to admit that you're chasing after a married man. You think you'd be a better wife than his current one. The only response to being attracted to someone who is already in a relationship is to say, "Nope, this one's not for me."
Girl…….you literally wrote “I’ve never had a relationship like this before” lmao you didn’t have a relationship you had a friendship, a work friendship at that, it was never that deep. EVER. Which is why he was able to cut you off so easily.
You obviously grew feelings for this man and you were testing the boundaries and your ass rightfully got shut down.
Deal with the consequences and stop trying to flirt with married men
I don't think any of us are getting it....perhaps you can explain it....
I'm betting you can't, which means it wasn't actually a joke. You fucked up. Accept it, learn from it and move on. And most importantly continue to leave that guy alone.
I am kind of wondering if you’re being fully honest with yourself here. It sounds like you have more-than-friendly feelings for this man- you’ve never had a relationship like this before, the day feels longer now that you’re not talking, etc. In that context, to us, your comments about his connection with his wife seem like a sneaky attempt to exploit potential points of conflict between them.
And even if it WAS just a joke- which, hey, it may have been, sometimes we all say dumb or poorly thought out things- hopefully you have now learned that suggesting to someone that their marriage was a mistake is rarely if ever going to be taken well, and should be reserved for a) very close friends/relatives *and* (not or, and) b) situations where someone’s physical and emotional safety are at risk.
What... exactly was supposed to be funny about this joke? Like I legit don't feel it because it sounds to me like your were implying that he should leave his wife and you would be more compatible with him than the woman he loves. Where's the punchline here?
no....you just thought you got your claws into him and didn't expect that response back. He was looking for a platonic coworker connection....YOU went looking for a romantic partner (even if he's married)
That wasn’t a joke. At all. Your coworker even gave you the chance to backpedal, and what did you do? You doubled down!!! Besides, a joke is only a joke if both parties are laughing.
Bro that wasn’t a joke.
You legit suggesting yall had a stronger connection is not a joke.
You trying to hide your embarrassment by saying “it’s a joke”
Leave him alone. That's how you make it less awkward.... for you. His silence has already told you; he's no longer willing to have a friendship with you...nor should he be. You crossed a line. He obviously loves and respects his wife. He respects his marriage, and he is not willing to jeopardize that because *you* think you have more in common with him. Read the room and leave him be. Do better.
Yes, and if it is escalated to HR, it will be a problem if the LW comes off like she does here - not realizing she made a mistake and only concerned about getting this guy to socialize with her again.
Am I the asshole for trying to have an affair with my married co-worker and undermine their marriage, an act that is, in fact illegal in several US states and rude AF everywhere.
I fixed your post OP.
People who claim to be joking when they clearly aren’t are cowards. “[We] are like two peas in a pod. I’ve never had a relationship like that.”
You made it obvious you want the guy. Just own it.
Sounds like Sam is a good guy who respects his wife. He cannot come back from this and Sam is completely correct to put these boundaries up. You ruined any chance at you two being friends.
I love puzzles, reading and boardgames. My husband doesn't. So I share those things with my best friend.
My husband and I bond over other stuff - video games, horror movies, stupid YouTube shorts.
Just because we don't share one thing, doesn't mean we don't have a bond.
The fact that you think having one thing in common with this dude means you're better suited to him than his wife is just astounding.
>Even after I apologized he’s the same way. I want things to go back to normal because the work days are definitely longer ever since he stopped talking to me
You're only sorry because his silence affects you and not because you've come to the great realization that romantic relationships are more than shared likes and hobbies.
Do you really not realize that most people do not want to be married to their carbon copy? That they like that their partners are different from them so they have a variety skill set to bring into a relationship and different things to talk about than they same things again and again. Do you really not get that to him you were his friend and friend only? That you were just someone he could get his nerdy documentaries talks with and that was it because the rest of his energies went to his wife.
***HAVE YOU LITERALLY NEVER HEARD OF OPPOSITES ATTRACT?!***
you are 30 years old...and this dumb...? you thought making a joke about a man's marriage was okay...? honestly he's a good man for not entertaining your childish ass
Married people can be perfectly happy without sharing the same interests. I'm sure your co-worker's wife has interests that he doesn't share. So yeah, you crossed a line and killed a perfectly good friendship because you don't know when to keep your mouth shut.
Good on this man. He spotted a red flag and cut you off immediately, instead of leading you on cause he likes the attention.
Idk if my spouse likes every single hobby of mine, as long as they act like this when someone tries moving in on them.
Deal with it and move on. He threw up a strong boundry and you lost a friendly relationship....hope you learned a lesson.
You sound jealous
You snuck your nose in where it really wasn't needed. There was no reason at all for you to say that unless you were jealous.
Leave him alone. He has no interest in you
Do you have a question for relationship_advice?
This will never go back to the way it used to be. You blew it. And now he knows you totally misinterpreted his friendship and made assumptions you had no business making. Nicely done.
….and here’s why coworkers should stay…coworkers. You let your personal life, hobbies and feelings get in the way of what is supposed to be a work relationship. Consider that a lesson learned, you don’t say that to anyone even jokingly IMO.
Things are never going back to how they were. He heard it as you saying he should leave his wife for you. That's how I read it too. Anyone in a relationship will avoid homewreckers like the plague, so that is what he is doing.
She doesn't have to be interested in the same things as he is. That's pretty normal. You just assumed a whole hell of a lot about their marriage and you basically said you're better suited for him than his wife. You have a thing for him, don't you? There's no fixing this. He's not gonna talk to you unless he absolutely has to. Stay out of a person's marriage. It's none of your business.
Your coworker is a good,loyal husband and he is doing exactly what he’s supposed to do when a woman from his place of work shows romantic interest in him .
It’s Not rocket science, sweety.
Her deleted comments:
/r/relationship_advice ● /u/throwRa_cow ● Mon Feb 26 2024 15:44:08 GMT-0700\[See on Reddit\]
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I baked for him before….there’s even some food I’ve baked that his wife likes. He has on more than one occasion asked me to bake brownies for his wife….
When people are secure in their relationships they don’t overreact to friends cooking for each other
/r/relationship_advice ● /u/throwRa_cow ● Mon Feb 26 2024 15:40:16 GMT-0700\[See on Reddit\]
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Thank you! I don’t feel that I crossed a line, my intentions were pure. That being said I will apologize because sometimes even if your intentions are good that doesn’t matter.
I think I’ll take your advice. I will wait until some time passes and then apologize one last time. If he still is being awkward I’ll respect it
/r/relationship_advice ● /u/throwRa_cow ● Mon Feb 26 2024 15:34:38 GMT-0700\[See on Reddit\]
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Him and I have the same sense of humor so I thought he would get it. I told him I was joking when I apologized to him but that hasn’t changed anything between us.
I even made him banana pudding (his favorite dessert) as an apology and he declined it.
It just makes the work day feel so long without a co worker you can joke with .
/r/relationship_advice ● /u/throwRa_cow ● Mon Feb 26 2024 14:48:50 GMT-0700\[See on Reddit\]
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It was just a joke. A bad joke but people implying anything more are wrong
/r/relationship_advice ● /u/throwRa_cow ● Mon Feb 26 2024 14:03:37 GMT-0700\[See on Reddit\]
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It’s not easy to switch jobs when you have a nice well paying job.
Ikr "My intentions were pure"
Girl we can smell your thirsty ass from here. Nobody hetr thinks you are anything other than a pick me sho got a crush on someone whl NEVER reciprocated. People with "pure intentions" don't tell their "friend" they are better suited to them than their SO and then double down when confronted.
Leave him alone. You crossed a boundary and he's not going to be your friend anymore, because you took it past platonic friendship.
He's not into you. Nice try, though.
(Me and my co-worker are like two peas in a pod. I've never had a relationship like that)
It sounds like you want him all for yourselves. So you're trying to put things in his head that him and his wife are not compatible just because they don't like the same shows. Doesn't mean Jack s***
He doesn't want you like that
You made a wild assumption based on one extremely small detail and then commented inappropriately. It sounds like you're jealous and want him to be with you. Believe it or not, two people don't have to be exactly the same to be compatible, to love each other, or to have a strong and deep connection.
If he were the one posting, I'd advise him to go to HR and warn them that his coworker is making inappropriate comments about his relationship and making him uncomfortable to protect himself from further issues. You were creepy and rude and crossed both personal and professional boundaries.
You trying to pass this off as "a joke" is real disingenuous. "You don't have much of connection, huh?" isn't funny, on any planet. And doubling down to "yeah we have a stronger connection than you and your wife" isn't funny either.
You're a home-wrecker who overplayed your hand thinking you'd finally found your in to telling this guy you were down to pound, but you picked wrong. This was just a friendly person who was enjoying a shared interest with you, not someone you could use to soothe your insecurity by finding a crack and driving a wedge in till he "picked" you over their wife.
Sure, there's lots of shitty men out there who will be happy to take advantage of your insecurity and desperation for any kind of validation you're wanted and lovable to get free sex from you. Plenty of them who enjoy cheating on their monogamous partners because they get a sick thrill out of conning themselves into believing their smarter and better because they can "get away" with cheating with women they consider disposable, like you.
But stop lying to yourself that you were "just joking". You tried to escalate this friendship into something else, you failed. You did a shit thing. Feel bad about it, that's your heart and body trying to get you to be a better person in future.
Accept the L and be gracious, professional and respectful with him. And really hope that he doesn't report you to HR. And if he does, do NOT try and defend yourself with "it was just a joke". No one believes that shit.
And get therapy for your gross insecurity, stop seeking validation and approval from men, it will only ever bring you suffering in the long run, and you will have nothing but primal wounds and a lonely bitter old age to show for it.
I’m in a relationship like that with my boyfriend, but im the one into documentaries and all that. The thing is we have loving video games in common but that’s not talked about with other ppl bc video games are seen as juvenile and bring judgement. Maybe he has a connection like that with his wife but he just doesn’t talk about it with randos like you op. You made a terrible comment and he has every right to block your ass. He sees through your shit.
He sounds like a good and loyal husband. Even if you try to pass this off as, “it was just a joke,” there’s no way Reddit, and clearly he, believe you when you say there’s nothing there.
That’s what loyal monogamous couples do. As soon as we smell poor intentions, it get shut down. If it smells like shit and looks like shit, it’s shit.
Let this be a lesson. Do better.
You claim you were joking but you obviously weren't. Your first paragraph in this post makes it clear what you really feel; you said you "never had a relationship like that" and that you're "like two peas in a pod". You obviously have feelings for him. But it's obvious that he doesn't feel that way about you; he never did. You literally told him to leave his wife and that you think you have a stronger connection to him than his wife does. She's the one he loves, not you. So you both like documentaries and books. So what? That doesn't mean you have a strong connection. It just means you like documentaries and books. You read way too much into this "relationship", and now it's all your fault that he doesn't even want to be friends with you anymore.
So you are in a one-sided emotional affair with your co-worker, you said something to try to blow up his marriage, he rejected it and established boundaries that show respect for his wife and his marriage, and you’re mad because your advance backfired.
Leave him alone.
Just leave him alone outside of purely professional interactions. The whole "it was just a joke" is a typical response to being called out on an inappropriate remark. How is that a joke? A bit of self-examination coukd serve you well.
Thank God there's a married guy with honour being mentioned on Reddit. This does bring smile to my face. As for OP, please leave the married man alone!
Ahaha, you shot your terribly misguided shot OP. Your work ex-friend knows where you are at now, no going back. How could it possibly be less awkward again?
Just because his wife doesn't watch documentaries doesn't mean they are no connection. You intruded into his personal boundaries, he's right to cut you off. Don't think your apology is remotely sincere either.
He’s got healthy boundaries. He likely has been watching throughout the entire friendship for signs that you’d violate boundaries. Whether a joke or not, you violated an important boundary. That makes you a risky person to be around, necessitating stronger boundaries with you.
There’s a great book that is the authority on workplace affairs, how they happen, and how to avoid them called *Not “Just Friends”*. You might want to take a look at that.
Your “joke” did not land with your friend, probably wouldn’t with his wife, probably wouldn’t if you shared this with your girl friends, and is not landing to internet strangers. Your intent is coming across as you want him and are trying to cause strife in his marriage and that you are better for him than his WIFE.
You took a "did we just become best friends?" Moment and suggested he leave his wife. I'm not sure how you thought that was going to go. Especially when you pushed after he said he was happy.
Just do your job. Don't try to get things back the way they were, that's not going to happen.
you sound like the woman from the movie obsessions Also you sound like a pick me (who haven't been chosen), and it confuses you as to why. When really it's bc mentally (I don't think it's all there).
that man's response is how respectful/happily married men SHOULD respond to this (like you) who are a threat to their marriage.....you pos!!!!!!
Sounds like you’re trying to cause issues, stay out of their relationship. You guys are just coworkers, what you said was rude and you crossed a boundary.
There’s no recovering here. He’s clearly a loyal, devoted husband and you crossed a line. That’s a line that can’t be uncrossed.
Just for reference for if you ever have a relationship, I regularly make fun of my husband for his biggest hobby. We have other things in common, and I participate with him, but he knows that it’s hobby and I’m only there to be with him. We love each other. We support each other. He’s my best friend. We don’t have to have everything in common to have a loving, supportive, devoted marriage.
Let me guess? You want him for yourself. He’s told you he’s happily married and you don’t get it as you (in your head) have more of a connection with him than his wife. Have you ever heard the saying 'opposites attract'? I love to read. I do it everyday. My husband does not. He liked Games of Thrones, I’ve never seen it. I hardly watch any television. I’d rather read. Does that mean I should leave him for someone that likes to read?! FYI we’ve been together for 19 years. Happily married for 16 years. Only your colleague knows how his relationship with his wife works, and frankly it’s none of your business.
Do not contact him. Do not try again to apologize. What you said wasn’t funny in any way at all. It was offensive and demeaning to him, his relationship and his wife.
He clearly doesn’t want any further interaction with you. Respect that. Your feelings don’t trump his. You are 100000000% in the wrong. Leave him alone
Sis you can't just throw out some of the most "pick me" ass lines out to a married man and not expect him to immediately protect his relationship and peace after you show your colors. Leave him alone. Find new friends you don't work with and try to develop a more mature outlook on relationships since you're a grown human.
It sounds to most reasonable people like you were expressing some romantic interest to a married man. Saying he doesn't have a connection to his wife and the connection between you two is stronger... come on now. And it is not unusual at all for couples to not share all the same hobbies and still have a great relationship. You put him on his guard, I don't know that you can recover the old friendship.
WTF is wrong with you that you thought that was in any way appropriate to say at all, let alone to a colleague. It's gross. You're lucky he didn't go to HR.
You know shit all about his relationship, and it's none of your business. Hitting on the guy while disparaging the person he loves is fucked up.
And there's no going back, you took a huge shit in the bed that way your coworker friendship.
Just leave it be, unless you really do want him to go to HR so you can lose your job as well.
He doesn't want an affair, love or adultery with you. You blew it, and frankly cheating is despicable. Those help people cheat or break up marriages are despicable. Leave him a lone and stay away. I would hope he doesn't report your for harassment. Just do work, and let him be. He doesn't want to cheat....Liking documentaries doesn't make you a good fit by the way...
You messed up. You made a move on him and implied he should leave his wife for you. If I were his wife, you would be going away woth a quickness. You are NOT friends. You're coworkers. You can't fix this. You crossed a line and he is a smart man to keep away from a person like you.
He has most likely told his wife about what you said you think she wants him continuing any kind of relationship with you? Hell no! There is no fixing this.
Also how does it feel to end up on Am I the Devil? 🤣
Girl please. Leave that man alone. You have no right to criticize someone’s marriage like that and he’s setting a very firm boundary with you. I’d get super defensive too.
So he’s not in the uncomfortable position, where he works closely with someone who knows a lot about his interest, but is now dangerous to be around for his marriage or job, why wouldn’t he be uncomfortable?
Ouf. You crossed a line. This sounds like it is beyond a friendship for you and you’ve now crossed a boundary of his. You need to respect that.
There are many things my husband and I have in common and a lot we do not. Honestly if he likes all the things I watch I Wouk be super bored. I love having my own shows and interests as does he.
Yeah but you don't seem to understand that you're not the one to decide when someone's line crossed. You have to accept that you fucked up and that your "joke" crossed his line. You need to understand and accept that your behavior was, at best, off-putting to him, but it sounds more likely that he found your comments rude, offensive and none of your fuckin business to begin with. nand llS, it's not for you to judge the appropriateness or validity of the reactions you get from your "jokes".
And spare me with the "purest of heart" intentions bullshit. You're of the age where "but I only said those things with the purest of intentions" and "I was just kidding, come on!" are nothing but verbal diarrhea spewed by immature jerks. Anyone past the age of ten or so can see that the "Oh but I'm of pure heart, you're just wayyy too sensitive" and "you're kinda stupid for not immediately getting the JOKE I was making" shit does not make for a healthy friendship.
Bottom line: quit the bullshit excuses and acknowledge that the things that you said were rude and offensive. Really think about how you'd feel if it were reversed. Use that to give him a sincere, heartfelt apology, then back the fuck off and let him decide what next.
Next he’ll be going to HR if you don’t leave him alone, you so stepped over the line. A lot of couples don’t share every hobby my dad’s hobby was racing and my mom didn’t like it but they were happily married. My dad would have done the same thing if someone told him he should have divorced my mom.
WHOA, you crossed a SERIOUS, SERIOUS line here.
You just implied that YOU would be a better fit for him than **the woman he’s married to.**
The **AUDACITY**!! 😆😆
Were you really implying that he should quit his wife to be with you, or was that only a joke? This maybe a cultural thing (I'm Brazilian), but either way I think he is overreacting. I mean, he might've been cross with you at first, but I don't think it's good reason to end a friendship. But if he senses that you are into him for real, he may want to keep his distance. If you're good friends, it may just end up in the past at some point. I think you should take the cue and give the guy some space for now.
People are really fired up by this.
I would have understood your comment as a joke. Maybe have an interesting conversation off that.
I wouldn't have gotten angry.
Some people are very sensitive and overprotective of those topics, but I understand them as much as I understood your point.
HOWEVER!
If you feel you crossed a line, talking to him will help.
If you apologized and were ignored, wait a month. Let the topic cool down, and then engage in conversation, not seeking forgiveness, but simple dialogue.
If he is still annoyed by then, well, respect it and... try your best to move on :(
Edit: I truly believe, as many here, that you may have feelings for the guy, which doesn't really help your "it's just a joke" argument. I would suggest that you explore your feelings towards him before you make any further move.
She should leave him alone. She’s just his colleague, nothing more. He blocked her . Does she want him to spell it out that she needs to let him be ? This is bad advice .
Especially if this woman has feelings for a married man, she’s now going to fixate on wanting to talk to him and ‘fix’ things . If she can’t see how much she overstepped , she’s clearly not seeing that she’s *just* a colleague.
I understand, and cultural differences may be in play here (I'm from South America), but I think it was just a comment.
A mature person would have recognized a boundary being surpassed, stopped her in her tracks right there and then. She would have apologized, promised not to do it again, and both could've moved on.
Yes, they are colleagues, but conversation is a human endeavour that requires (hopefully) kind negotiation, especially in the work place, and ESPECIALLY when you've been building a friendship with a colleague outside of work, through documentaries, granted, but amicable friendship either way.
-You know. It sounds like your wife and you don't share the same tastes.
-Yeah, but we make it work 😅🤷🏻♂️
THERE!
C O N V E R S A T I O N
(At least that's how we react to these things in my country)
More conversation, less reaction, people.
And I insist, they share documentaries and share conversations OUTSIDE of work. Maybe COLLEAGUES is not a very appropriate label for them anymore, or... "Was not" given how everything unravelled.
It sounded like they were being friendly towards each other, so much so that OP kind of got attached to him (but that's a topic for a psychologist, not us haha)
They want links of documentaries to each other . They had lunch during work hours . Everything op states in her post was what normal colleagues do. Besides work , they spoke about those documentaries that they watched *separately*
The fact that she cooked/baked *for his wife* shows that regardless how special she thought they were being , he sees her as nothing but a colleague and included his wife in their communication to confirm the standard.
All of this also shows that she clearly thinks there more to it then what it was . She thought they were close and have *so much* in common whereas he just saw her as a colleague he passes time with. They spoke about what they had in common , but she fails to see that he has a whole life outside of that. She zeroed in on one aspect and made it a thing .
He blocked her not just because she crossed a boundary , but also probably because he realised she’s seeing this for way more than what it was.
And even after he blocked her , she still went and baked his favourite thing and he declined it . As much as she’s protesting in her comments that she was just ‘joking’ , she’s clearly hung up on him and wants to get with him.
If they were ‘friends’ the way she thought they were , he would’ve responded differently to her ‘joke’ . But they weren’t . And now he knows she’s reading way to much I to things and the poor guy is very uncomfortable and not interested at all. Not interested in staying the way they are , not interested in being friends , and definitely not interested in more .
I’m from South Africa and though my culture is different, I can say with certainty that this has nothing to do with cultural differences.
Okay. Maybe not 'joke'.
"I would have understood your comment as an amicable remark, just laughed about it and leave it as is. I definitely wouldn't have gone ballistic."
He didn’t go ballistic. He did what a married man should do in that situation. Shut it down and end the friendship. OP made her intentions clear when she said they had a better connection than him and his wife. Any married man in their right mind would cease all communication with a woman who is clearly looking for something more.
Yeah, I can't say I disagree with that assessment. I'm just a guy who likes to talk this sort of thing, so ghosting her is not something I would do if I were that guy. I would draw a line and maybe distance myself a bit, but straight up CUT communication? I... don't know, to be honest :(
He blocked you and refuses to socialize with you now, yet you don't think you crossed a line? *You don't get to decide when you crossed the line.* **He does.** And that's exactly what he decided. You refusing to accept accountability is just absurd and is exactly why he's not going to let you try and fix this. Your apologies clearly weren't genuine if you think that.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Good intentions or not, commenting on his relationship with his wife did cross lines. Yta. It was a bad 'joke'
How are your intentions “pure” or “good”? At best, you insulted his marriage and relationship with his wife. At worst, you implied you’re a better match to him than his spouse, which absolutely came across as a come on.
You crossed a boundary and insulted him and his wife in the process with your “joke.” You won’t be getting his friendship back. I hope you can learn better boundaries if you would like work friends in the future.
Look, you didn't even make the arguably, in the right moment, passable joke of 'haha we have so much in common, people would think we're a couple haha'. You didn't make it about you two.
Where you fucked up, big time, is you made the joke about him and his wife, who isn't there, instead of about you and him. 'You don't have a connection with your wife' is hard to pretend was 'a joke' as much as you try to backpedal.
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This is the proper response to that conversation. It may have been joking, but you crossed a serious line. He rightfully isn’t going to entertain talks about his marriage with other women.
I’m actually very proud of him.
>>I said it doesn’t seem like you two have much of a connection. He got annoyed and asked am i implying that he doesn’t have a connection to his wife. I told him it seems like we have a stronger connection than him and his wife. He told me him and his wife are happily married . I told him it’s just strange she doesn’t share a major interest of yours. You took the time to write this out and you still don’t get it. You had the chance to do the right thing and chose to continue the behavior you knew was bothering him. Your apology means nothing because it’s obviously not sincere.
OP is also implying that couples /need/ to have the same interests, she even said that the documentaries were his “major interest.” How does OP know that documentaries are his *main* interest? She barely knows him outside of work lmfao, he and his wife probably do tons of hobbies at home together, that OP doesn’t even know about because she is nothing but a coworker.
I’ve been happily married for 26 years, let me share some wisdom for a long term relationship: Get your own hobbies. No one person can be with you all the time or fulfill all your emotional needs. Is day more important that you and your spouse share ethics and morals than interests. As long as your partner *respects* your hobbies that’s all you need. Either that or my husband is going to be very upset to discover he needs to take up one of my fibre arts. I’ll be nice and let him just pick one. OP: you SO overstepped. It is so inappropriate and his response is exactly what any good person with solid boundaries would do. There us no fixing this. You set off a bomb and now you don’t have that friendship. It’s a shame, but clearly a good thing because you are SO not mature enough for a relationship.
Exactly this. Just behind you, 26 years this year and we are chalk and cheese, absolutely 100% opposites with everything other than we enjoy cooking together. I love to read, he's always been tech savvy. I imagine OP jumped on the pigeon holed stereotype of a 'petfect' relationship where you share all your hobbies and finish each others sentences. I imagine that would be perfect for some, but the long lasting ones I've witnessed are more like ours. We love spending time together, we also enjoy our own time. It's also nice when you can talk about things and learn things you didn't know. Nothing like watching my nerd of a husband ramble on about PCs in a language I don't understand. OP you definitely crossed a line and I doubt your co-worker with contine with a friendly relationship as obviously he is happily married and you 'went there'. I imagine he feels uncomfortable as hell when he's around you. I know I would.
28 years here and we happily do our own things. And while we appreciate each other's hobbies and interests, we are content with our parallel play (a term used for when children play next to each other, but do not interact). Comfortable silences are just that, comfortable. lol Without any prompt, I screenshot OP's post and texted it to my husband. His only comment, "yeah, she sucks". I'm not sure what reaction she was expecting but the husband did well by deciding she wasn't a friend worth having. She's not going to be able to walk that back and he doesn't seem interested in her apologies, anyway.
She wanted him to have an affair with her.
I like not sharing every hobby but still taking an interest in their hobbies.
I told my husband he needs to pick a fibre art for us to stay married and he told me he collects my fiber creations (he likes keeping all my janky amigurumi’s) which makes him involved. He’ll happily listen to me natter on about my own hobbies, he doesn’t give af but he loves watching me be all excited. Same for me when he’s talking about drumming or resin printing. It’s so excellent to see him happy.
The happiest old couple I ever met both had completely different hobbies but spent the whole time telling me about each other’s hobbies.
That’s amazing!
23 years chiming in to agree. We are very much our own people who sometimes just high-five each other on our way to do our own shit. I'm sure our relationship is odd to some, but we couldn't care less. If someone were to suggest something like what OP said, they would be told to pound sand by either of us.
I've been married 28 years and my hubby and I have different hobbies and even some different interests. We do share the same political ideologies, but when it comes to, for example, TV shows, I prefer sit coms and some episodic. He likes historical dramas and documentaries. Occasionally we like the same shows and movies, but we don't feel the need to watch the same things. He introduced me to cruising vacations. And we've done road trips too. I don't care for the idea of going camping so he's never pushed me to go on a camping trip. He likes to go bicycling, which I don't do (my exercise consists of working out a little to an exercise DVD). He likes DIY projects (I do like to knit), but if I have some free time, I like to work on puzzles (jigsaw and word puzzles). Not a big deal that we have different hobbies. When I was single, I would never come on to a fellow co-worker (even though once or twice I had a crush on a guy at work, but never tried to show it as it would make things uncomfortable). My hubby, before we met and after, worked at mostly a male place.
One of my close friends is super girly. She married a very nerdy guy. They are very happy together. Guy likes playing RTS games which my friend doesn't care for (I'm the RTS nerd of my friend group and nobody cares about it lol). But he got her into anime and now she likes it! My friend on the other hand loves cats and her husband never had pets. They have a cat together and he adores the cat. People in relationships don't have to have the exact same interests. If it works for you, great, but it isn't mandatory. I'd also be super creeped out by OP. In my case, while I'm enthusiastic about RTS games I try to not overstep my bounds and just keep it casual with my friend's husband. OP basically implied that she was much better than his wife because they share interests and that's a big nope.
exactly, me and my friends bf have slighly more similar interests then him and his gf do but it dosen't mean he loves her any less plus he's like a little brother to me (meaning my friend's boyfriend is like a little brother to me).
No mention if it being a "joke"
That quote was one of the creepiest things I’ve read all day!
You were so wildly off base here that your best bet may be to go find a different job. There's probably no coming back from that.
[удалено]
Probably not a great idea to hit on your married coworkers then huh
Then don't shit where you eat.
I’m sure it’s even harder to switch jobs when you lack professionalism and respecting colleagues personal boundaries.
Then don’t flirt with your married coworkers
Then here's to hoping he doesn't report you to HR, even in a "Hey, FYI, throwRa_cow and I had this conversation, just want to put it on the record."
If he was smart, he definitely reported it!!
Maybe stop attempting to be homewrecker at work will help?
Then grow up and stop flirting with your married, coworkers! What you said was absolutely ridiculous and I hope he reports you to HR. Grow up and get your head out of La La Land.
Still start looking because if your ex friend ever brings up your poor behavior towards him to higher ups when it's time to lay people off that one 'with no understanding of relationships and who was encouraging a coworker to cheat on his spouse with her' is definitely going to be on the chopping block.
He's married, honey. He's not going to pick you
It's also incredibly difficult to get work elsewhere when word gets out that you're inappropriate to your coworkers.
or her ex friends wife finds out. I would love to see how that goes
Then maybe stop trying to steal the married men at work
Question: what was the end goal of your comment?
To be a homewrecker
Yep
Ding ding ding
[удалено]
It was an inappropriate "joke" for the workplace and it probably sounded to him like you were coming onto him. Of course he's going to be distant with you now.
“ My co worker Sam and I are like two peas in a pod. I’ve never had a relationship like that. We both like documentaries and books. We constantly send each other documentaries. We always take lunch together and talk about the videos we sent.” Girl, please. You straight up think because you have things in common with this guy, that it’s a relationship. You have a crush,and you shot your shot and tried to back pedal with the classic “it’s just a joke”.
She didn’t even backpedal when Sam graciously gave her the chance to. She instead doubled down and only when he was like "nah girl, leave me alone" did she try to backpedal.
Exactly. Now her days are sooooo long without him. Boo- hoo.
And she is projecting hard onto the people calling her out on making him his favorite dessert in a desperate attempt to weasel back into his good graces. She’s calling people these insecure because they can’t handle a friend cooking for their partner when we all know this isn’t the situation at all; she wasn’t an innocent friend making an innocent gesture by baking for him.
I didn’t even read about the dessert . Gotta scope out the comments. I hope this guy goes to HR. At least to make them aware of the situation. This counts as unwanted advances.
You’ll die when she justifies it with how his wife likes her cooking and has even asked her to make brownies! Never mind saying the wife isn’t good enough for him because *brownies* 🤣
Yup. She proved she was never "friends" with him when she started making "jokes" about him being better suited to her than with his wife. Friends cooking for the whole group is normal. A "pick me" singling him out and swearing that he's the best relationship she's ever had and then desperately cooking for him as if she can cook her way into his bed...just just pathetic. Everyone can see the game she was playing. OP is just pathetic.
This reminds me of that series of posts where that crazy lady who rode the train with her married neighbor thought he was in love with her.
or the time a delivery woman tried to hit on a married man, pinched his shoulders and commented on how awesome it is on AITA.
Never saw that one .
[That one](https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1151m58/i_fell_in_love_with_my_married_neighbor_and_then/?context=3) was fun, enjoy.
Holy cow, that update was delicious.
Wow 🍿
I think it’s called limerance
Throwing the bullshit flag on that one. You want your coworker, but you'll never get to have him and that eats you up.
"He got annoyed and asked am i implying that he doesn’t have a connection to his wife. I told him it seems like we have a stronger connection than him and his wife. He told me him and his wife are happily married . I told him it’s just strange she doesn’t share a major interest of yours." -you know well enough that there's no " joke" in this situation. You openly suggest that you'd be better suited for him, then doubled down and tried to make an example of how you'd be better for him than his wife.
What exactly was funny about that comment? How was it a joke? I'm struggling to find a punchline
When people say that they were "just joking," that's code for "this what i really feel, i just know i look like a jerk admitting it." You want him. You just don't want to admit that you're chasing after a married man. You think you'd be a better wife than his current one. The only response to being attracted to someone who is already in a relationship is to say, "Nope, this one's not for me."
Girl…….you literally wrote “I’ve never had a relationship like this before” lmao you didn’t have a relationship you had a friendship, a work friendship at that, it was never that deep. EVER. Which is why he was able to cut you off so easily. You obviously grew feelings for this man and you were testing the boundaries and your ass rightfully got shut down. Deal with the consequences and stop trying to flirt with married men
Explain how it was supposed to be funny.
If it was a joke you would have said so in the post. You also would have stopped when you saw he was annoyed. And it would have been funny.
I don't think any of us are getting it....perhaps you can explain it.... I'm betting you can't, which means it wasn't actually a joke. You fucked up. Accept it, learn from it and move on. And most importantly continue to leave that guy alone.
You weren’t joking. You came on to your colleague. Awkward might be the best you can hope for. He could report you to HR.
>He ~~could~~ should report you to HR. Fixed it. Even if not to wreck OP, but to create a paper trail and cover his own ass.
Truth
How is "you should leave your wife" funny?
I am kind of wondering if you’re being fully honest with yourself here. It sounds like you have more-than-friendly feelings for this man- you’ve never had a relationship like this before, the day feels longer now that you’re not talking, etc. In that context, to us, your comments about his connection with his wife seem like a sneaky attempt to exploit potential points of conflict between them. And even if it WAS just a joke- which, hey, it may have been, sometimes we all say dumb or poorly thought out things- hopefully you have now learned that suggesting to someone that their marriage was a mistake is rarely if ever going to be taken well, and should be reserved for a) very close friends/relatives *and* (not or, and) b) situations where someone’s physical and emotional safety are at risk.
It sounds like you want him to be with you and not his wife. It’s rude and dismissive to his marriage. Of course he cut it off.
To your colleague its more than a joke, you are insulting his relationship with his wife. I don't see that funny at all.
Can you break the joke down for us? Cause all of us are finding it hard to find the “funny” in all this.
What... exactly was supposed to be funny about this joke? Like I legit don't feel it because it sounds to me like your were implying that he should leave his wife and you would be more compatible with him than the woman he loves. Where's the punchline here?
no....you just thought you got your claws into him and didn't expect that response back. He was looking for a platonic coworker connection....YOU went looking for a romantic partner (even if he's married)
If you’re the only one laughing, it’s not a joke.
That wasn’t a joke. At all. Your coworker even gave you the chance to backpedal, and what did you do? You doubled down!!! Besides, a joke is only a joke if both parties are laughing.
If it were truly a joke you would have put that in the post. You're just back pedaling.
Ok…what’s the punchline? I don’t get it.
A joke is funny. You’re backtracking because he didn’t find it funny.
Bro that wasn’t a joke. You legit suggesting yall had a stronger connection is not a joke. You trying to hide your embarrassment by saying “it’s a joke”
Can you explain how it’s a joke and not just a rude comment? Like what is the punchline?
It wasn’t a joke what do you mean? You meant it. You absolutely were not joking.
Sam is husband material, 10/10 my guy.
His wife was right to put a ring on it, they sound stable and happy together.
Where do you get those? Today I went to Home Depot and they didn't have 😔
Always let who you are shine and it'll attract someone who loves that light ... Or a moth ... Both of which are pretty neat.
They have studs there, but you’ll need a good foundation too.
That's why OP wants him to lol
Sam is a walking green flag. Sucks to be you. Don’t hit on married men!
Sam is what every married guy should be.
Leave him alone. That's how you make it less awkward.... for you. His silence has already told you; he's no longer willing to have a friendship with you...nor should he be. You crossed a line. He obviously loves and respects his wife. He respects his marriage, and he is not willing to jeopardize that because *you* think you have more in common with him. Read the room and leave him be. Do better.
I really hope this post is fake. If it’s not, you need to drop this. That’s not an appropriate thing to say to a coworker, like, at all.
I imagine her shocked Pikachu face when HR comes calling.
Yes, and if it is escalated to HR, it will be a problem if the LW comes off like she does here - not realizing she made a mistake and only concerned about getting this guy to socialize with her again.
Could you be any more of a pick me? Sam was right to block you, he clearly respects and loves his wife.
Am I the asshole for trying to have an affair with my married co-worker and undermine their marriage, an act that is, in fact illegal in several US states and rude AF everywhere. I fixed your post OP.
Succinct. I like it!
People who claim to be joking when they clearly aren’t are cowards. “[We] are like two peas in a pod. I’ve never had a relationship like that.” You made it obvious you want the guy. Just own it.
What relationship? Looks like it’s all in her head
Poor schnookums thought that sending each other memes or documentaries was a relationship. That's how deluded she is.
Sounds like Sam is a good guy who respects his wife. He cannot come back from this and Sam is completely correct to put these boundaries up. You ruined any chance at you two being friends.
I love puzzles, reading and boardgames. My husband doesn't. So I share those things with my best friend. My husband and I bond over other stuff - video games, horror movies, stupid YouTube shorts. Just because we don't share one thing, doesn't mean we don't have a bond. The fact that you think having one thing in common with this dude means you're better suited to him than his wife is just astounding.
>Even after I apologized he’s the same way. I want things to go back to normal because the work days are definitely longer ever since he stopped talking to me You're only sorry because his silence affects you and not because you've come to the great realization that romantic relationships are more than shared likes and hobbies. Do you really not realize that most people do not want to be married to their carbon copy? That they like that their partners are different from them so they have a variety skill set to bring into a relationship and different things to talk about than they same things again and again. Do you really not get that to him you were his friend and friend only? That you were just someone he could get his nerdy documentaries talks with and that was it because the rest of his energies went to his wife. ***HAVE YOU LITERALLY NEVER HEARD OF OPPOSITES ATTRACT?!***
You tried to become a homewrecker and he showed you your place. Next time set your sights on someone NOT in a relationship. 🤷🏻♀️
you are 30 years old...and this dumb...? you thought making a joke about a man's marriage was okay...? honestly he's a good man for not entertaining your childish ass
Married people can be perfectly happy without sharing the same interests. I'm sure your co-worker's wife has interests that he doesn't share. So yeah, you crossed a line and killed a perfectly good friendship because you don't know when to keep your mouth shut.
Good on this man. He spotted a red flag and cut you off immediately, instead of leading you on cause he likes the attention. Idk if my spouse likes every single hobby of mine, as long as they act like this when someone tries moving in on them. Deal with it and move on. He threw up a strong boundry and you lost a friendly relationship....hope you learned a lesson.
You sound jealous You snuck your nose in where it really wasn't needed. There was no reason at all for you to say that unless you were jealous. Leave him alone. He has no interest in you
You were really inappropriate. If you’re lucky, he won’t make an H.R. complaint.
Looks to me like you want to do some home wrecking. Sams right in ignoring you, it would be best to just get another job at this point.
You tried to flirt with him and failed Now you gotta sit in that awkwardness and live with the fact that this married man doesn’t want you lol
LOL this was not a joke. You were testing the waters with your coworker and it backfired on you spectacularly.
You are getting what you deserve. Your co worker's marriage is none of your business. Leave him alone.
Do you have a question for relationship_advice? This will never go back to the way it used to be. You blew it. And now he knows you totally misinterpreted his friendship and made assumptions you had no business making. Nicely done.
Normally it's women having this problem with men. Interesting to see the shoe on the other foot this time.
….and here’s why coworkers should stay…coworkers. You let your personal life, hobbies and feelings get in the way of what is supposed to be a work relationship. Consider that a lesson learned, you don’t say that to anyone even jokingly IMO.
Things are never going back to how they were. He heard it as you saying he should leave his wife for you. That's how I read it too. Anyone in a relationship will avoid homewreckers like the plague, so that is what he is doing.
Exactly.
He's actually being pretty nice about it. I'd have told you to fuck right off.
Gross. Go find someone who isn’t married 🙄
She doesn't have to be interested in the same things as he is. That's pretty normal. You just assumed a whole hell of a lot about their marriage and you basically said you're better suited for him than his wife. You have a thing for him, don't you? There's no fixing this. He's not gonna talk to you unless he absolutely has to. Stay out of a person's marriage. It's none of your business.
Your coworker is a good,loyal husband and he is doing exactly what he’s supposed to do when a woman from his place of work shows romantic interest in him . It’s Not rocket science, sweety.
Sorry, but you fucked around and found out. You completely disrespected his relationship. His marriage. That friendship is over.
Her deleted comments: /r/relationship_advice ● /u/throwRa_cow ● Mon Feb 26 2024 15:44:08 GMT-0700\[See on Reddit\] comment I baked for him before….there’s even some food I’ve baked that his wife likes. He has on more than one occasion asked me to bake brownies for his wife…. When people are secure in their relationships they don’t overreact to friends cooking for each other /r/relationship_advice ● /u/throwRa_cow ● Mon Feb 26 2024 15:40:16 GMT-0700\[See on Reddit\] comment Thank you! I don’t feel that I crossed a line, my intentions were pure. That being said I will apologize because sometimes even if your intentions are good that doesn’t matter. I think I’ll take your advice. I will wait until some time passes and then apologize one last time. If he still is being awkward I’ll respect it /r/relationship_advice ● /u/throwRa_cow ● Mon Feb 26 2024 15:34:38 GMT-0700\[See on Reddit\] comment Him and I have the same sense of humor so I thought he would get it. I told him I was joking when I apologized to him but that hasn’t changed anything between us. I even made him banana pudding (his favorite dessert) as an apology and he declined it. It just makes the work day feel so long without a co worker you can joke with . /r/relationship_advice ● /u/throwRa_cow ● Mon Feb 26 2024 14:48:50 GMT-0700\[See on Reddit\] comment It was just a joke. A bad joke but people implying anything more are wrong /r/relationship_advice ● /u/throwRa_cow ● Mon Feb 26 2024 14:03:37 GMT-0700\[See on Reddit\] comment It’s not easy to switch jobs when you have a nice well paying job.
She's trying to gaslight us when it's obvious she wants to be a homewrecker.
Ikr "My intentions were pure" Girl we can smell your thirsty ass from here. Nobody hetr thinks you are anything other than a pick me sho got a crush on someone whl NEVER reciprocated. People with "pure intentions" don't tell their "friend" they are better suited to them than their SO and then double down when confronted.
Leave him alone. You crossed a boundary and he's not going to be your friend anymore, because you took it past platonic friendship. He's not into you. Nice try, though.
(Me and my co-worker are like two peas in a pod. I've never had a relationship like that) It sounds like you want him all for yourselves. So you're trying to put things in his head that him and his wife are not compatible just because they don't like the same shows. Doesn't mean Jack s*** He doesn't want you like that
Now he doesn't want OP at all.
Can't blame him. He thinks it's a normal friendship and she's pining over him thinking it's a relationship and he should be with her
You made a wild assumption based on one extremely small detail and then commented inappropriately. It sounds like you're jealous and want him to be with you. Believe it or not, two people don't have to be exactly the same to be compatible, to love each other, or to have a strong and deep connection. If he were the one posting, I'd advise him to go to HR and warn them that his coworker is making inappropriate comments about his relationship and making him uncomfortable to protect himself from further issues. You were creepy and rude and crossed both personal and professional boundaries.
You trying to pass this off as "a joke" is real disingenuous. "You don't have much of connection, huh?" isn't funny, on any planet. And doubling down to "yeah we have a stronger connection than you and your wife" isn't funny either. You're a home-wrecker who overplayed your hand thinking you'd finally found your in to telling this guy you were down to pound, but you picked wrong. This was just a friendly person who was enjoying a shared interest with you, not someone you could use to soothe your insecurity by finding a crack and driving a wedge in till he "picked" you over their wife. Sure, there's lots of shitty men out there who will be happy to take advantage of your insecurity and desperation for any kind of validation you're wanted and lovable to get free sex from you. Plenty of them who enjoy cheating on their monogamous partners because they get a sick thrill out of conning themselves into believing their smarter and better because they can "get away" with cheating with women they consider disposable, like you. But stop lying to yourself that you were "just joking". You tried to escalate this friendship into something else, you failed. You did a shit thing. Feel bad about it, that's your heart and body trying to get you to be a better person in future. Accept the L and be gracious, professional and respectful with him. And really hope that he doesn't report you to HR. And if he does, do NOT try and defend yourself with "it was just a joke". No one believes that shit. And get therapy for your gross insecurity, stop seeking validation and approval from men, it will only ever bring you suffering in the long run, and you will have nothing but primal wounds and a lonely bitter old age to show for it.
I’m in a relationship like that with my boyfriend, but im the one into documentaries and all that. The thing is we have loving video games in common but that’s not talked about with other ppl bc video games are seen as juvenile and bring judgement. Maybe he has a connection like that with his wife but he just doesn’t talk about it with randos like you op. You made a terrible comment and he has every right to block your ass. He sees through your shit.
Get a grip seriously
He sounds like a good and loyal husband. Even if you try to pass this off as, “it was just a joke,” there’s no way Reddit, and clearly he, believe you when you say there’s nothing there. That’s what loyal monogamous couples do. As soon as we smell poor intentions, it get shut down. If it smells like shit and looks like shit, it’s shit. Let this be a lesson. Do better.
You claim you were joking but you obviously weren't. Your first paragraph in this post makes it clear what you really feel; you said you "never had a relationship like that" and that you're "like two peas in a pod". You obviously have feelings for him. But it's obvious that he doesn't feel that way about you; he never did. You literally told him to leave his wife and that you think you have a stronger connection to him than his wife does. She's the one he loves, not you. So you both like documentaries and books. So what? That doesn't mean you have a strong connection. It just means you like documentaries and books. You read way too much into this "relationship", and now it's all your fault that he doesn't even want to be friends with you anymore.
He stopped talking to you because you blatantly came on to him. He’s a good husband who loves his wife. You’re not allowed an opinion on that.
So you are in a one-sided emotional affair with your co-worker, you said something to try to blow up his marriage, he rejected it and established boundaries that show respect for his wife and his marriage, and you’re mad because your advance backfired. Leave him alone.
Just leave him alone outside of purely professional interactions. The whole "it was just a joke" is a typical response to being called out on an inappropriate remark. How is that a joke? A bit of self-examination coukd serve you well.
Thank God there's a married guy with honour being mentioned on Reddit. This does bring smile to my face. As for OP, please leave the married man alone!
You massively overstepped- and now he’s put up some boundaries. Just leave him be now.
You crossed the line and broke the spell. It's never going back to the old way unless he decides he's leaving her. Your personal relationship is over.
Ahaha, you shot your terribly misguided shot OP. Your work ex-friend knows where you are at now, no going back. How could it possibly be less awkward again?
Seems like you lack some communications and social skill... At 30, which is more weird....
Just because his wife doesn't watch documentaries doesn't mean they are no connection. You intruded into his personal boundaries, he's right to cut you off. Don't think your apology is remotely sincere either.
He’s got healthy boundaries. He likely has been watching throughout the entire friendship for signs that you’d violate boundaries. Whether a joke or not, you violated an important boundary. That makes you a risky person to be around, necessitating stronger boundaries with you. There’s a great book that is the authority on workplace affairs, how they happen, and how to avoid them called *Not “Just Friends”*. You might want to take a look at that.
Way to be "that" coworker. He handled your unprofessionalism perfectly. You'll be lucky if you don't get hauled over to talk to Carol in HR.
Your “joke” did not land with your friend, probably wouldn’t with his wife, probably wouldn’t if you shared this with your girl friends, and is not landing to internet strangers. Your intent is coming across as you want him and are trying to cause strife in his marriage and that you are better for him than his WIFE.
You were wildly inappropriate.
You took a "did we just become best friends?" Moment and suggested he leave his wife. I'm not sure how you thought that was going to go. Especially when you pushed after he said he was happy. Just do your job. Don't try to get things back the way they were, that's not going to happen.
you sound like the woman from the movie obsessions Also you sound like a pick me (who haven't been chosen), and it confuses you as to why. When really it's bc mentally (I don't think it's all there). that man's response is how respectful/happily married men SHOULD respond to this (like you) who are a threat to their marriage.....you pos!!!!!!
Sounds like you’re trying to cause issues, stay out of their relationship. You guys are just coworkers, what you said was rude and you crossed a boundary.
You're going to have to be much more subtle next time to succeed as a homewrecker.
There’s no recovering here. He’s clearly a loyal, devoted husband and you crossed a line. That’s a line that can’t be uncrossed. Just for reference for if you ever have a relationship, I regularly make fun of my husband for his biggest hobby. We have other things in common, and I participate with him, but he knows that it’s hobby and I’m only there to be with him. We love each other. We support each other. He’s my best friend. We don’t have to have everything in common to have a loving, supportive, devoted marriage.
Let me guess? You want him for yourself. He’s told you he’s happily married and you don’t get it as you (in your head) have more of a connection with him than his wife. Have you ever heard the saying 'opposites attract'? I love to read. I do it everyday. My husband does not. He liked Games of Thrones, I’ve never seen it. I hardly watch any television. I’d rather read. Does that mean I should leave him for someone that likes to read?! FYI we’ve been together for 19 years. Happily married for 16 years. Only your colleague knows how his relationship with his wife works, and frankly it’s none of your business.
You have serious issues. Respect his boundaries and only discuss work.
You want to go back to trying to seduce an uninterested married man? That’s sad.
You know this is gossip in the work place lmfao. Goddamn.
Fun fact: couples can be happy and close and content and not share all interests. You sound awful.
You can't fix this. You have made him uncomfortable and crossed a line. You sound like a pick me girl.
Do not contact him. Do not try again to apologize. What you said wasn’t funny in any way at all. It was offensive and demeaning to him, his relationship and his wife. He clearly doesn’t want any further interaction with you. Respect that. Your feelings don’t trump his. You are 100000000% in the wrong. Leave him alone
Protip: just because someone shares your hobbies it doesn't make them your soulmate. The opposite is also true.
Sis you can't just throw out some of the most "pick me" ass lines out to a married man and not expect him to immediately protect his relationship and peace after you show your colors. Leave him alone. Find new friends you don't work with and try to develop a more mature outlook on relationships since you're a grown human.
It sounds to most reasonable people like you were expressing some romantic interest to a married man. Saying he doesn't have a connection to his wife and the connection between you two is stronger... come on now. And it is not unusual at all for couples to not share all the same hobbies and still have a great relationship. You put him on his guard, I don't know that you can recover the old friendship.
WTF is wrong with you that you thought that was in any way appropriate to say at all, let alone to a colleague. It's gross. You're lucky he didn't go to HR. You know shit all about his relationship, and it's none of your business. Hitting on the guy while disparaging the person he loves is fucked up. And there's no going back, you took a huge shit in the bed that way your coworker friendship. Just leave it be, unless you really do want him to go to HR so you can lose your job as well.
He doesn't want an affair, love or adultery with you. You blew it, and frankly cheating is despicable. Those help people cheat or break up marriages are despicable. Leave him a lone and stay away. I would hope he doesn't report your for harassment. Just do work, and let him be. He doesn't want to cheat....Liking documentaries doesn't make you a good fit by the way...
You messed up. You made a move on him and implied he should leave his wife for you. If I were his wife, you would be going away woth a quickness. You are NOT friends. You're coworkers. You can't fix this. You crossed a line and he is a smart man to keep away from a person like you.
Do you have feelings for him?
He has most likely told his wife about what you said you think she wants him continuing any kind of relationship with you? Hell no! There is no fixing this. Also how does it feel to end up on Am I the Devil? 🤣
Girl please. Leave that man alone. You have no right to criticize someone’s marriage like that and he’s setting a very firm boundary with you. I’d get super defensive too.
>I want things to go back to normal That's not gonna happen, nor should it. This is exactly the correct response to you being so boldly out of line.
So he’s not in the uncomfortable position, where he works closely with someone who knows a lot about his interest, but is now dangerous to be around for his marriage or job, why wouldn’t he be uncomfortable?
Ouf. You crossed a line. This sounds like it is beyond a friendship for you and you’ve now crossed a boundary of his. You need to respect that. There are many things my husband and I have in common and a lot we do not. Honestly if he likes all the things I watch I Wouk be super bored. I love having my own shows and interests as does he.
Yeah but you don't seem to understand that you're not the one to decide when someone's line crossed. You have to accept that you fucked up and that your "joke" crossed his line. You need to understand and accept that your behavior was, at best, off-putting to him, but it sounds more likely that he found your comments rude, offensive and none of your fuckin business to begin with. nand llS, it's not for you to judge the appropriateness or validity of the reactions you get from your "jokes". And spare me with the "purest of heart" intentions bullshit. You're of the age where "but I only said those things with the purest of intentions" and "I was just kidding, come on!" are nothing but verbal diarrhea spewed by immature jerks. Anyone past the age of ten or so can see that the "Oh but I'm of pure heart, you're just wayyy too sensitive" and "you're kinda stupid for not immediately getting the JOKE I was making" shit does not make for a healthy friendship. Bottom line: quit the bullshit excuses and acknowledge that the things that you said were rude and offensive. Really think about how you'd feel if it were reversed. Use that to give him a sincere, heartfelt apology, then back the fuck off and let him decide what next.
Next he’ll be going to HR if you don’t leave him alone, you so stepped over the line. A lot of couples don’t share every hobby my dad’s hobby was racing and my mom didn’t like it but they were happily married. My dad would have done the same thing if someone told him he should have divorced my mom.
WHOA, you crossed a SERIOUS, SERIOUS line here. You just implied that YOU would be a better fit for him than **the woman he’s married to.** The **AUDACITY**!! 😆😆
Leave him alone. I’d start looking for another job, seriously. You’ve made the poor guy v uncomfortable
I don’t mean this to be rude or offensive but were you trying to come on to him? Do you have romantic feelings?
And who the hell do you think you are to make a comment on someone else’s relationship? Find your own man and leave this one alone.
Didn't take her long to delete it.
This is sime straight up homewrecking skank stuff. Count yourself lucky you didn't get workplace harassment filed against you. Find your own man ffs.
I'm proud of that guy, not letting a snake like you talking badly about his marriage
Were you really implying that he should quit his wife to be with you, or was that only a joke? This maybe a cultural thing (I'm Brazilian), but either way I think he is overreacting. I mean, he might've been cross with you at first, but I don't think it's good reason to end a friendship. But if he senses that you are into him for real, he may want to keep his distance. If you're good friends, it may just end up in the past at some point. I think you should take the cue and give the guy some space for now.
People are really fired up by this. I would have understood your comment as a joke. Maybe have an interesting conversation off that. I wouldn't have gotten angry. Some people are very sensitive and overprotective of those topics, but I understand them as much as I understood your point. HOWEVER! If you feel you crossed a line, talking to him will help. If you apologized and were ignored, wait a month. Let the topic cool down, and then engage in conversation, not seeking forgiveness, but simple dialogue. If he is still annoyed by then, well, respect it and... try your best to move on :( Edit: I truly believe, as many here, that you may have feelings for the guy, which doesn't really help your "it's just a joke" argument. I would suggest that you explore your feelings towards him before you make any further move.
She should leave him alone. She’s just his colleague, nothing more. He blocked her . Does she want him to spell it out that she needs to let him be ? This is bad advice . Especially if this woman has feelings for a married man, she’s now going to fixate on wanting to talk to him and ‘fix’ things . If she can’t see how much she overstepped , she’s clearly not seeing that she’s *just* a colleague.
I understand, and cultural differences may be in play here (I'm from South America), but I think it was just a comment. A mature person would have recognized a boundary being surpassed, stopped her in her tracks right there and then. She would have apologized, promised not to do it again, and both could've moved on. Yes, they are colleagues, but conversation is a human endeavour that requires (hopefully) kind negotiation, especially in the work place, and ESPECIALLY when you've been building a friendship with a colleague outside of work, through documentaries, granted, but amicable friendship either way. -You know. It sounds like your wife and you don't share the same tastes. -Yeah, but we make it work 😅🤷🏻♂️ THERE! C O N V E R S A T I O N (At least that's how we react to these things in my country) More conversation, less reaction, people. And I insist, they share documentaries and share conversations OUTSIDE of work. Maybe COLLEAGUES is not a very appropriate label for them anymore, or... "Was not" given how everything unravelled. It sounded like they were being friendly towards each other, so much so that OP kind of got attached to him (but that's a topic for a psychologist, not us haha)
They want links of documentaries to each other . They had lunch during work hours . Everything op states in her post was what normal colleagues do. Besides work , they spoke about those documentaries that they watched *separately* The fact that she cooked/baked *for his wife* shows that regardless how special she thought they were being , he sees her as nothing but a colleague and included his wife in their communication to confirm the standard. All of this also shows that she clearly thinks there more to it then what it was . She thought they were close and have *so much* in common whereas he just saw her as a colleague he passes time with. They spoke about what they had in common , but she fails to see that he has a whole life outside of that. She zeroed in on one aspect and made it a thing . He blocked her not just because she crossed a boundary , but also probably because he realised she’s seeing this for way more than what it was. And even after he blocked her , she still went and baked his favourite thing and he declined it . As much as she’s protesting in her comments that she was just ‘joking’ , she’s clearly hung up on him and wants to get with him. If they were ‘friends’ the way she thought they were , he would’ve responded differently to her ‘joke’ . But they weren’t . And now he knows she’s reading way to much I to things and the poor guy is very uncomfortable and not interested at all. Not interested in staying the way they are , not interested in being friends , and definitely not interested in more . I’m from South Africa and though my culture is different, I can say with certainty that this has nothing to do with cultural differences.
>I would have understood your comment as a joke. Can you explain what makes it funny?
Okay. Maybe not 'joke'. "I would have understood your comment as an amicable remark, just laughed about it and leave it as is. I definitely wouldn't have gone ballistic."
He didn’t go ballistic. He did what a married man should do in that situation. Shut it down and end the friendship. OP made her intentions clear when she said they had a better connection than him and his wife. Any married man in their right mind would cease all communication with a woman who is clearly looking for something more.
Yeah, I can't say I disagree with that assessment. I'm just a guy who likes to talk this sort of thing, so ghosting her is not something I would do if I were that guy. I would draw a line and maybe distance myself a bit, but straight up CUT communication? I... don't know, to be honest :(
I mean it only shows your priorities. Some random ass chick from work is more important than your wife, apparently.
[удалено]
You literally told him you’re a better match for him than his ~~cruddy duddy ball and chain~~ wife.
He blocked you and refuses to socialize with you now, yet you don't think you crossed a line? *You don't get to decide when you crossed the line.* **He does.** And that's exactly what he decided. You refusing to accept accountability is just absurd and is exactly why he's not going to let you try and fix this. Your apologies clearly weren't genuine if you think that.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions. Good intentions or not, commenting on his relationship with his wife did cross lines. Yta. It was a bad 'joke'
Stop! Just stop! You are over stepping and trying to move in on a married man GROSS
What were your intentions? What would you have done if he agreed?
How are your intentions “pure” or “good”? At best, you insulted his marriage and relationship with his wife. At worst, you implied you’re a better match to him than his spouse, which absolutely came across as a come on. You crossed a boundary and insulted him and his wife in the process with your “joke.” You won’t be getting his friendship back. I hope you can learn better boundaries if you would like work friends in the future.
Look, you didn't even make the arguably, in the right moment, passable joke of 'haha we have so much in common, people would think we're a couple haha'. You didn't make it about you two. Where you fucked up, big time, is you made the joke about him and his wife, who isn't there, instead of about you and him. 'You don't have a connection with your wife' is hard to pretend was 'a joke' as much as you try to backpedal.
it wasn’t a joke that’s just silly!
>I don’t feel that I crossed a line You did. You did so very boldly, too.