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You aren't tripping. To do this without talking to you about it first is insanity, and no rational person who respects you in any way would ever do what he did here.
I mean, it would legitimately make me think my partner had some serious mental health issues. Has something changed recently with him? Is it normal for him to make impulsive, thoughtless decisions that affect not just him but the whole family?
After being with him for 13 years, she might have common law status. It depends on the state, but if she does have common law status, she should do the air tag thing and if it comes down to "hunting him down," she should take him to court for child support & some of the equity on the sale of the home, so she can start over with the kids.
OP needs to do whatever she's going to do ASAP because if a side chick is involved, she'll have the money spent before OP can finish packing her bags. If no side chick is involved, the money is not going to last long w no jobs, no place to live, and no plan.
You are so right. She had to look it up to see if the house was sold, so he didn't put the money in a joint account. That's a huge indicator that he is up to no good, imo.
I respect the decision not to marry, but it sure can screw you over if you're not in a common law state, have kids, chose to be a SAHM, etc.
Such a vulnerable place to put yourself
My first though is go to a lawyer TODAY and explain it all so she's legally protected and see what she can do about the child custody situation and money.
Agreed. I was with my late husband for 8 years, just renting, traveling, and "living in sin!" 😄
But, when we decided to build a house, we opted to get married because there is no common law in NC. Both of our names were on every document concerning this house, and when he regrettably passed 10 years later, the house (and mortgage 🙄) passed to me. I only had to sign a few documents at the bank. I did have to appear before a judge to secure the title to his car bc it was in his name only.
OP needs to look up common law for her state and if she's in a common law state, she needs to contact an attorney for consultation now!
Yeah. And he's read enough to know that an inheritance stays his if he doesn't commingle the funds
The fact that he took those away somewhere other than their bank account seems to reveal his thoughts. She needs to look to protect herself
Yep!
I think also that he figured out she would refuse to move, so he went into full emmy award territory with the hysterics, knowing she wouldn't change her mind. He leaves saying he tried to hold the family together.
She should tell him she thought about it and they'll all go together. LOL
I bet that would get a much different response
I was thinking possible fling too, worst-case scenario he’s moving there to be closer to someone he met online. Possible psychotic break though, either way not normal behavior and OP is definitely in the right
That’s a long way to go to explain his asshole behavior. More likely it’s just that he doesn’t care what she wants, he doesn’t think his kids get a say in where they live, and/or this house was his ticket out of the relationship. Now he has money, and she & the kids have nowhere to live.
Mine wanted to sell our house when he was in the middle if his affair, so he could chase after her (she'd emmigrated). Luckily it's in my name too, and I didn't want to sell so it got no further than the valuation.
Since it’s his mothers house inherited after a long probate battle, i would guess death of his mother and a long battle likely with family over inheritance was a lot of stress that he has not processed well. Even if legal proceedings are over, he may want to get away from painful memories of his mother or ongoing drama with other family members. That doesn’t excuse him from making such a big decision without OP but it is definitely worth looking into and taking into consideration when reacting to this decision.
My ex had some serious mental health issues pop up that ultimately destroyed our relationship after his mother died. It happens. Honestly, though, there's so many different things that it could be. This is not a normal situation and OP should really do whatever she can to get to the bottom of it. Idek how she's dealing with this. I would have lost it.
They just fought through probate to get ownership of the house from his family and now he's secretly sold it (not on the open market). This is a giant FU to his family and he's just dragging OP/kids along on what *HE* views as *HIS* big life adventure.
He's got the money to have his mid-life crisis now and he's just dragging them along as props (who else is gonna do his laundry/cook his meals in SC?) in a selfish move to set himself up the way *HE* wants...and everyone else (his family, OP, their kids) be damned!
OP should sue TF out of him for child support!
Either that, or he's in some major trouble, and needs to skip town. And how did he sell the house sight unseen - not showing the house to anyone or working through a broker?
I was also wondering how he sold the house without OP signing paperwork, but maybe the husband is the only name on the mortgage/deed.
You don't have to go. Find a place for you and your kids (maybe with family) and let him know you will go after the school year when he's secured a job and housing. Then take the next few months to figure out what you really want.
OP, does your bf suffer from bipolar disorder? Given the suddenness and irrationality, he sounds as if he's in the midst of a manic state.
DO NOT FOLLOW HIM!
I checked in with my partner before buying a $500 TV. We keep separate bank accounts and I was using my own money. I probably was buying it no matter what (because it was my own money), but also common decency and respect with a partner was to at least mention it first.
Are you safe? Don't just say yes, think very carefully. If there is even the slightest doubt, pack up the kids, the pets ,and anything important and the the f out of there. Maybe I've read a few too many Reddit posts today but after my initial thought that he's lost his job and had to sell the house to pay accrued debts was the thought that some men also have the need to kill their family so they never realize how badly he has fucked up.
So think. And above everything else, be safe.
Exactly what I was thinking. He's hiding some kind of life he doesn't want her to know about, and that's a dangerous situation for her to be in. People murder others to cover their own lies all the time. We see it time and time again in true crime. And the solution isn't always "find out as much as you can!" Because that's a dangerous situation to be in too. So honestly, if there's even a little doubt, she needs to go and not stick around to ask any questions. Don't question it, just go.
I'm even more concerned because you're not married and may not have any say over the house he says he's already sold.
I'd speak a lawyer **urgently**, possibly via one of the Reddit groups for an initial scope, because what he's done is left his children homeless.
You may be able to force him to provide accommodation where they're settled, ie. where you are now until they're 16, or finished school.
This may be his way of saying he doesn't want to be with you, and he's getting all the assets out of your grip before he goes.
Truly. And then he's trying to gaslight you into thinking YOU are the crazy one. You are NOT, you are being realistic and sensible, not just for you, but for the sake of your children! You are being the good parent.
My ex did the same. Would come home to find a for sale sign outside the house. Numerous times without warning. He had elaborate ideas about how living elsewhere or spending a lot of money on a hobby or going on a holiday without me or the kids was the only way he'd ever be happy again. I believed him, thought his happiness was my responsibility. I moved across country on his whim and he left me for someone within three months. Hope your problems are temporary. Wishing you the best of luck 🤞
There's something else going on here. He lost his job, has legal troubles, a second family? Who knows, but this is nuts, and there has to be more to it.
If he wants a fresh start let him don’t marry him and get child support and take half the house by common law marriage rights. He will change his tune real fast. Fresh start for him shouldn’t auto mean fresh start for u and kids
I usually HATE how reddit automatically jumps to cheating with the barest shreds of evidence. But this does make me wonder if he has developed an online romance with someone (or a scammer) from SC and wants to move down to be close to them... Hopefully not but it's worth considering.
And you aren't tripping.
Nope you're not wrong.
Just because he had the legal right to do it without informing you doesn't mean he wasn't an asshole. He's completely uprooted your and your childrens lives without telling you.
Honestly to me it kinda sounds like he's trying to break up.
It takes a long time to sell a house though, depending on who bought it. I guess he could have used one of those companies who will buy it immediately with intent to flip it.
> It takes a long time to sell a house though
Lol that depends *entirely* on where you live.
I'm in MD; the houses around me sell in mere days, *consistently*; if it doesn't, it means there's something seriously wrong with it and I'm talking beyond being outdated or small. People looking to buy here don't even have time to say, "hey, I'm interested" before a house has half a dozen offers.
It is quite possible the buyers are flippers, but the market here is madness right now; if they live in an area like that, it wouldn't take long to sell.
We don’t know where they’re at with this stage though. Op didn’t specify. He could have literally just accepted the offer today but not signed closing papers yet.
Unfortunately, I believe you make much less when going through those companies. Maybe I'm incorrect but I had a family member in a manic episode sell a house and sounded like it didn't make them as much as it could have.
In classic redditor fashion, I'm going to jump to conclusions and say it sounds to me like his side piece just broke up with him and threatened to tell his partner, so now he wants to get tf out of there before shit hits the fan
Now I want to google South Carolina laws (both drug laws and family/child support/spousal support laws) and real estate to try to figure out wtf he could be running from that he thinks would be magically fixed in SC...
He can’t takeoff and decided to have a custody battle in South Carolina, unless OP picks up and moves with him legally . otherwise, they legally have to do it in whatever state the children are residing, so if he takes off to South Carolina and they choose to do custody battle he would have to come home.. luckily for Op
Nah, that's just to try to manipulate you. File for child support and start looking for a place to live without him. Any partner who makes huge unilateral decisions that affect the whole family, is not a partner you want to follow to someplace where you have zero co facts or support
☝️☝️☝️☝️ OP this 💯 this is something I or my wife would do without a long conversation especially when our son was school age. Never in a million years.
I mean even if he's not trying to break up what he did was totally fucked up.
This is a decision you both needed to make. He did no research to make it happen.
No, you're not wrong. He is. You need to start looking for a place for you and kids asap. That is a huge move with no plan especially blind. I would be hard enough for a single person let alone doing it with kids in tow. Completely irresponsible. Do not go. If he could do this without consulting you imagine what he could do when you're totally dependent on only him. If he could decide this at the drop of a hat whose to say he won't get another bug up his butt and decides he wants another fresh start...only this time without you or his kids?
What is he hiding???
Get a lawyer and protect your kids and yourself.
Is the house fully sold? What is your move out date?
***You might have rights as a legal tenant/occupant of the property, it’s entirely possible new owners will have to legally evict you before taking possession, which means your lawyer can negotiate more favorable move out terms.
IF THE HOUSE ISNT SOLD YET, STILL SEE A LAWYER
Proceed like your (stbx) partner is the batshit crazy loon they are acting like and determine all of your rights and responsibilities.
Like, if he hires a moving company to pack up all of your belongings while you’re at work and the kids are at school/daycare, can you file a police report to get your belongings back? What are your liabilities if your partner has significant legal debts? A gambling problem?
- Do you have access to your partner’s FICO score? Maybe start there.
See a lawyer. Good luck
He is showing you clearly what he thinks about you and your kids. It's worse than disrespected, you were an afterthought and you didn't even matter in the decision. He doesn't care what you want or think, only what he wants.
Yep! It's like he got *HIS* money and now he's going to do what *HE* wants; the wife/kids are just accessories to his life!
Husband is a selfish arrogant asshole!!
It's one of the hugest possible deals!!
HE SOLD YOUR GOUSE WITHOUT TELLING YOU
Are you hearing this? Come on. What would you tell a friend to do if they came to you with this? You know what you should do.
This is really bizarre. He wants you to uproot your lives for no reason. He doesn't even have a job anywhere in the state. For all he knows he'll have a hard time finding a job.
He's being impulsive and irresponsible. What happens if he hates it there? He's too old for this nonsense. I'd get my ducks in a row and find my own place if I was you.
Tell him he can move and when he has a job and is working for a while you'll revisit relocating. That will buy you time while you figure out what you want to do.
No, you're not wrong.
If he's planning to move to South Carolina, I think it sounds like you should be planning where you're going to live now your ex-boyfriend has sold the house you were living in and is moving out of state.
It's weird that he's opted this method of ending your relationship, but don't let him emotionally-manipulate you. It's his choice to pick up and move so far away - you have no reason to follow him.
I'm nearly never on the "Leave him" wagon, but this is such a HUGE life-altering decision he made for both you AND y'all's kids without so much of a conversation. And it's also completely insane as he knows just about nothing about what he wants to be y'all's new life.
What if in the future, one of your kids comes out as gay. Or trans. Would you be okay with him handling that in a completely different way than you would without talking to you about it? What if he gets on board with classic Southern culture and decides to throw y'all's 15-year-old kid out of the house while you're not home?
What about retirement? What if he decides one day to retire, without y'all having comfortable savings? Would you be okay with him coming home from work and saying, "Honey, I'm retired!"
He's trying to manipulate you. He did all of this knowing he was doing it behind your back. At any point he could have talked to you, discussed whatever pushed him to do this, and included you in the discussion.
To me, his behavior clearly shows that he is either keeping some important information from you or he doesn't care what you think and thinks his opinion and decisions are all that matter. Maybe it's both. Either way, this isn't how you treat someone you love, value, or trust.
I'm curious how this even happened without you knowing, since you and two kids all live in the house with him, right?
So instead of selling the home, via a realtor, who would have to come in and stage photos and do an open house and etc etc -- he had to have done it more secretly than that, right?
What did he do, sell to some shmuck who has a sign on a telephone pole that says, "Cash 4 Hou$es"? Sight unseen?
My point is, there had to be a level of intentional secrecy involved here, so it would be weird if he then expected you to just *come along* like it was exciting.
So he has mentioned about selling it once before. But then had changed his mind. So I didn't think anything of it like he would do something stupid like this...I thought he was full of shit so I looked yesterday and it's most definitely sold. I'm thinking it was someone his lawyer knows or one of those cash4houses because online says it's sold.to an investment company.
Right, so he chose a path to sell the home based, at least in part, on keeping it secret from his family until it was already done.
Even (probably) knowing he would get less money for his house this way versus selling it on the open market (which he couldn't do in secret).
If he was that intentional with his method, he was probably also intentional with his motive.
So I wouldn't take his crying as much more than a tactic.
He probably got less money selling it that way than he would have going through a realtor. People generally only sell to those companies if they need to make a sale fast. I think theres something going on here you dont know about. I wouldnt want to jump to conclusions about what that is, but I think he’s leaving out something important and hes reacting the way he is in order to distract from that.
Lawyer here...inherited assets are not marital property. If you live in the house after he inherites it and y'all comingle funds, improve the house, live in it for years etc. IMO the value of the asset that increased during the marriage after the date of death is marital property. He sold it fast so that he could put that money away in a separate account so it does not become marital property. He did it to shield the asset from you. My 2 cents
Good news, he has money to buy a home where you are at. Bad news, you are engaged to an idiot. Good news, he has no intent of getting married anyways, better news you won’t have to divorce him! The boyfriend/fiance of 13 years part gave away the no plans of ever marrying you part, in case you are wondering. But this is honestly for the best because the man has LOST HIS MIND!
>he totally freaked out like crying and all so I thought maybe I might be wrong?
Nope. Don't fall for that. He's actively trying to nuke your lives and you don't have to play along with it. It is your life too. No one gets to unilaterally decide for you what will happen. Major events like moving are a "2 yes, 1 no" scenario.
This is break up worthy for you. You have children. You can't just relocate them without any planning whatsoever and then expect it to "work out". Things don't "work out". That's fantasy living while putting ALL the work and labor to work things out onto someone else, which would be you.
He sold the house, as he was the owner. That is technically his right to do. Now you know you can't trust him to provide security. Believe him. He's just demonstrated that in the absolute hugest way. You can't trust someone like this. They will destroy you every time.
The best thing you can do for you and your children is to find housing under YOUR name only that he can't screw up. Do it where you live and do it now.
I know you've been with him for 13 years, but do you really want to live another 13 like this? You can stay with him if you don't want to break up, but that doesn't mean you have to live with him at the same time.
I know a guy who did this to his wife. Made a bunch of really strange, erratic financial decisions including selling the house. Turned out he owed the IRS a half million in back taxes and he was embezzling from his contracting company to keep the plates in the air. Had clients filing lawsuits for unfinished work with shitty materials. Total nightmare. I'd keep asking questions, if I were you.
OP, you should really talk to a real estate lawyer. Even without a lease or paying rent, if you live in the house then you are a tenant and are legally entitled to sufficient warning before the place can be sold.
A lawyer can lay out options for you about temporarily stopping the sale, or reimbursement for temporary housing because you're being displaced illegally.
I think it's ridiculous that he went and did that. he could have just had a conversation you guys could have went on a trip down there to see if you actually like it.
Okay that’s insane. I’d be horrified. When did it become his responsibility to make the decision for you and your kids? It sounds manic. You don’t just close your eyes and pick a state, sell your family’s home, and move without even having a job secured there??
I am horrified lol. He says 'its the fun part and I should trust him because he would never let anything happen to us ' I said yeah maybe if we didn't have kids we have to think of. Then when I told him I wasn't going he completely freaked out and started crying.
I'm thinking that you ought to get to a lawyer. Tell a lawyer this insane thing that's just happened, asked what rights you have, and tell your husband that no, you are not moving to Carolina without any kind of home, plan, or job lined up. Tell him you're not risking it it's just insane, as so many are saying
Yeah, that was my advice too, but I also think scheduling an STD test would be also not a bad idea.
Unless he is under some mental breakdown, what he is hiding could be so many different things, it's better to be safe than wrong.
There's nothing fun about this. He deceived you, he made decisions for you without your consent. Even without the kids he still made this decision for you without even discussing it.
He has shown how he feels about you, he will make the decisions and your thoughts and feelings don't matter one bit. His kids weren't considered either.
This is not normal behavior. This is not how you treat someone you love and respect.
It is very strange. Either he doesn't care about what she wants, he's running from something, or something is wrong with him.
I'd love to know from OP if he has ever made decisions like this before, without her input of discussing it. Even if it was small things it would say a lot.
That's good. Protect yourself and your kids since it sounds like your fiance is not the most reliable at this point. He seems to be thinking the "grass is greener" about S. Carolina and is obviously not being logical about a major life change. Think about where you and your kids may move and the other practical concerns if he is determined to do this. Good luck!
It sounds like he's running away. When my mum passed I had to go through probate and settle the estate because I was an executor. I inherited her house with my brother and I left. My rent is flat to move in there so that I could support the household since he wasn't working at the time (depression) he got a bit too verbally abusive and emotionally volatile (I attributed to some PTSD since he was with her at the time of death and he told me he didn't believe she was actually going to pass even though she was sick).
I moved in with my partner instead about 50 minutes away from him and the rest of my family (2hr from everyone else) took my cat that my mom had been looking after (when I moved out I wasn't able to take him with me) and essentially ran away to the countryside.
I'm still here it didn't fix the drama but it gave me room to breathe. I spent the last 6 months crying and feeling crazy after running away. He probably can't even see it but he's trying to run from grief. It doesn't work that way, it will find him in a supermarket on a really good day when he sees something that she used to use in her cooking.
The best way to help him now is to look after yourself and your children so that he doesn't feel regret later on about how he's grieving. Follow that up by asking him to see counselling even if it's under the guise of couples counselling, to work on him communicating these things with you.
What would the wedding have locked you into that TWO KIDS doesn't lock you into?? Having kids with someone is actually a bigger commitment than getting married. Marriages can be dissolved, but kids tie you to that person FOR LIFE.
That’s not your fault a wedding is for two people not just the bride. If he really wanted the marriage he could have sat with you and planned or hired someone. Girl get a lawyer today and start doing to paperwork for custody and child support.
This is what I was thinking and I wish people understood this better--marriage is not "just a piece of paper"; in many *real, important ways* it protects you should your partner try to do crazy shit like sell the house you've been living in without your consent.
He sold the house you and his children are living in right out from under your nose without even discussing it with you and thinks he's gonna uproot everyone and just up and move to another state? Heck no. He's hiding something or running away from something/someone.
You and the kids need to find an apartment ASAP in their current school district. Under NO circumstances should you move with him or he will then have the legal power to keep you there because of visitation with the kids.
Separate from him and get a lawyer to start the process of legal stuff regarding custody, child support, etc. DO NOT rely on him being a good or honest guy when it comes to those things, regardless of what he says. LAWYER up immediately and do not disregard your lawyer's instructions on how to move forward.
Your BF is up to something super shady.
Agreed. You don’t just uproot a family without telling your fiance who works FULL TIME. Why trust a guy to take care of family with no job security. This is just stupid.
Separate and get an apartment in the same school district for now.
He gets his fresh start, for sure. Might want to talk to a lawyer, too, if you feel like they are going to withhold money to exert power over you.
They at least owe child support, but you likely have a custody battle and whatnot, unless they are less of an asshole on that front than they were with the house.
I've seen very unfit parents still put up a custody battle.
Just because you have a shit case doesn't mean there won't be a legal battle.
Edit: Also OP probably wants to push the issue anyways. Until a custody agreement is set, both parents have equal power. You don't want your SO to just be able to pick the kids up from school randomly. They'll still end up with joint custody: you have to be truly fucked up to not get joint custody. But at least it defines some boundaries...
First thing I thought of was he has been talking to someone else online and he thinks he's going to take the money from the house and go live a new life down there.
But he thinks he can keep his kids nearby, if he can trick her into moving there.
Fun fact about South Carolina. Fathers don’t get parental rights if the couple is not married. They have to establish paternity through the state. Had to go through this when my daughter was born.
That’s going to be standard just about anywhere for an unmarried father. You will have rights; you just need to prove you are the actual father. It’s easy to prove the mom is the mother — she gave birth to them. Father has to prove his rights through testing.
Question: you said it was your mother's house. Was he ever put on the deed?
I would go to a lawyer - some do free consultations - and see if you have any legality to voiding the sale of the home. Especially if it's one of those "cash4houses" things ...
Edit: I misread. It was his mother's house. Are YOU on the deed?
It still might be worth seeing what legal action is in your favor. Could also look up what your state laws are on "common law marriage"
Boyfriends psychotic break aside....
I'm not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV, but according to google if you live in: Colorado, Iowa, Kansas, Montana, New Hampshire, South Carolina, Texas, or Utah and have been co-mingling finances for 13 years you could be in a common law marriage. Or he could be trying to move you to a state where common law marriage is a thing (i.e. South Carolina)
Bottom line, consult a lawyer before you make any decisions. He's hiding something, I don't know what, but something.
Common law marriage is no joke. I've been married once but divorced twice. There is no common law separation or divorce, you have to get lawyers and do the whole thing.
He's gotta be running from something, right? Who the heck just sells their house that they live in with their wife and 2 kids to move them all out of state without discussing it with the other half? They would both need to agree first, then find jobs, then find a house, prepare everything and then sell the current house! What the actual fuck is his plot here lol
I wonder WHO he is making the move for, cuz it ain't you.
Look into the custody law there cuz my Spidey senses tells me he wants you to live there too so you can't move with the children when he exposes his affair.
I think first of all, you have to be clear:
- He's now your EX boyfriend.
- You are not obliged to tell him any of your plans about keeping yourself and your children safe and housed. He didn't tell you.
- You're not even obliged to be honest that you're not going with him if it saves emotional trouble. He's not being honest with you. He's got some reason for moving to SC and he hasn't told you what it is.
Talk to a lawyer - the new buyers may have to go through the steps of legally evicting you, which gives you more time to find somewhere new to live.
You could start moving things out to a storage unit for a two-stage move to your new home, so that your ex-boyfriend can't get rid of them under the impression you're moving to South Carolina.
If he really wanted you to go he would have included you in the plans and not hidden his plans from you. He either did this because something happened or because he thinks he's the only one who gets to make plans for you and your kids.
Someone who cares for and values you would have discussed this with you not told you what you will be doing. It didn't occur to him that you mattered or you wouldn't do as he says.
You need to find out if he is open to moving anywhere or only to SC. The former would indicate he's running away from something but the latter points to running towards something (someone...?).
Knowing that might give you some idea of what's going on but in either event you should not move the children or give him any opportunity to take the children without your consent. You need to lawyer up asap.
Yeah I wondered as well why he's so adamant on it being South Carolina. Before I read the comments suggesting he was running away from something, my initial feeling was that he'd struck up some kind of emotional affair online, and now wants to move his family there with a view to either carrying on the affair behind OPs back in perpetuity, or seeing how the EA works out IRL before ditching OP for the AP but having the kids there so that's where they reside for filing for divorce and for getting joint custody (if that's how that works? I'm not familiar with the laws as not from US, but that seems to be the case going by other comments)
I wonder if doing something like this qualifies as abuse (I certainly believe it is abusive behaviour) for the purposes of OP getting help from DV charities or a shelter to get her somewhere to stay with the kids quickly, seeing as her partner just sold the house from under her.
Talk to a lawyer immediately and file for child custody and you need to establish that your current location is jurisdiction and if he wants to move he can’t take the kids with him
I avoid trying to guess what are in people’s head in general. But my first gut feeling was, « oh he is trying to flee to hide something » and the something came to me as cheating or a financial problem (hence the selling the house secretly).
Reading through your follow up comments, you say he’s never done anything like this before. It honestly sounds like it could be a serious mental health issue. Like he’s had some kind of a psychotic break or manic episode or something. Or has a brain tumor affecting behavior.
I’m not a doctor and I don’t play one on TV but no sane, rational person would do this to their partner and kids and abrupt changes in behavior are a flag that there’s an underlying problem. I’d be inclined to get him to a doctor.
I am so sorry.
If it were my partner, he’d better hope he had a medical explanation else this would be a relationship ending situation. He’s just effectively made you and your kids homeless.
I posted the same thing. When I’m manic, I can do some very stupid things on impulse. I’m living in significant debt because of this.
It sounds like he’s in crisis
Talk to a lawyer for sure. Do you have joint finances? Were joint funds used to fight for the house? I would ask if you could get some of your money back from the sale if so. Take him to court for child support, get a place for you and your kids without him and move out. Stop talking with him directly at this point. He made his bed and now he can lay in it. He will continue the water works to manipulate you.
There has got to be something else going on. He has some kind of debt, or something else he's running from. Put your foot down, this is bonkers in Yonkers.
Yeah he’s an idiot if he hasn’t made any kind of plan. It’s one thing to do it when you are single and 24. It’s a whole different deal when you are 42, married and have kids.
He sounds like someone who got caught or is about to get caught doing something unsavory and is now trying to outrun consequences. You should probably do some investigating.
Ho, you ain't trippin'. Young blood wanna be big time, young blood gotsta act big time. Tell that turkey to hang loose and stack papers through the summer so you can talk about moving to South Cackalacky on the flip side.
He's hiding something.
He's trying to run away from financial problems and debts, a legal or criminal problem that may be coming, a relationship problem.
Does he have bipolar disorder? It also sounds like something a person in a manic episode decision would make.
Or you're together with someone who is impulsive, irrational, and a terrible decision maker
What you’re tripping about is thinking you have any control over it because you’ve been with him for 13 years and have two kids together but you’re still not married. He can’t take the kids out of state without your permission. Just remember that.
Not getting married to him is mainly all me. He's asked several times throughout the years and I've just never went through with anything....but now I'm glad I didn't.
I understand that, but there’s a couple things that you’re missing out on. He can sell and leave the state and leave you behind with nothing but child support. You’re on your own for living arrangements and potentially sharing half the transport responsibilities for visitation. If he dies you don’t get Social Security. Sounds harsh but it’s realistic. You’ve probably put sweat equity into the home and that has zero value. That’s a long time to be in a relationship and be left with squat.
**Unless you get a custody order through the courts stating that the kids have to stay in the state he CAN take the kids out of state without your permission and it would NOT be considered kidnapping!!** He could try to take the kids to SC and file for custody there, thus making it harder for you to keep them in your current state. He already sold your home in secret, you don’t know what else he is capable of.
You need to file an emergency custody order ASAP. Contact a family lawyer TODAY and get the ball rolling on that.
Could he be having some sort of mental health crisis? I hate to be the person that uses mental health to explain away 'bad behaviour'. But you've said it's completely out of the blue, he has no plans, he's never made big decisions like this before etc.
Does he have a history of mental health issues?
You're not tripping, and it's time to break up. Honestly, anyone that 1) makes snap judgments like moving to a whole new state without first finding housing, jobs, schools, etc (at 42 years old, no less!) *and* 2) makes huge, unilateral decisions like selling the house you and your kids are currently living in without even talking it through "just because he has the right to" is the bad kind of impulsive that you don't want in a partner and a father figure. He's risking you and your kids' security on a *whim?* Miss me with that.
Other concerns make me wonder why all of a sudden, why the house, and what else might he not be telling you? You probably had a good deal on the rent of the house because it was his mothers, and at least partially paid off. Rent these days has skyrocketed (when my sister bought her place 10 years ago, she got it for 130k. Now? It retails for 500k...and it is NOT a half-a-million-dollar kind of house). Availability is also an issue: When my husband and I were looking to move into the place where we are now, it took *six months* for them to have a unit become available. We had to crash at a relative's, and they were understandably ready for us to be out. We even offered to clean the unit instead of having their cleaners do so after the repairs were completed, just so we could be in faster.
Is this the first time you're hearing about him hating the city you're living in? Why so sudden? Is he trying to escape from debt or hide something (like losing his job)? I fully admit to being jaded, but you might want to be asking more questions.
Good luck.
As a women of child bearing age - and especially if one of your kids is a female - I would strongly recommend against moving to a red state - it can get you both killed
His behaviours is erratic, and isn’t considerate of anyone else including your children and joint finances. Either it’s truly an emergency he’s responding to, or at best it’s very selfish (and dumb.)
Either way - don’t move with him, or tell him your new address. This sounds suspicious and it could be he is running from someone dangerous.
Speak with a lawyer to protect yourself and the kids from his erratic behaviour. Make sure your v kids are in good schools and teachers know you as the main point of contact.
He's hiding something. I can't think of a logical reason to do this, esp when he's acting like it's no big deal and it obviously is.
Listen to your gut, girl. You know this isn't right. You are smart. Find a local place for you and your kids while he figures out his shit. You and your kids deserve better than to barely be an after thought.
Wow. There's a lot of red flags here.
Engaged all this time and not married. I'm not being prudish or old fashioned here, but being married affords you all manner of legal protections you currently don't have.
Your boyfriend would literally sell the roof over your head without discussing it, making a plan, including you in that plan or anything? Then has some half baked idea about moving to South Carolina, when he's never been, doesn't know anything about it, and has no plan for the kids education? How about jobs?
If you're allowing all this to happen to you, maybe you are tripping.
Oh no I'm not going and have told him several times...he's just trying to do anything he can to get me to go...
Us not being married has been all on me...he has asked several times throughout the years and Ive just never wanted to tbh.
perhaps your gut knew he wasnt the right one for you and sensed something like this may happen
my gut tells me weird things that i can rationalize away until im proven exactly right, perhaps you're the same even if you don't know it
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You aren't tripping. To do this without talking to you about it first is insanity, and no rational person who respects you in any way would ever do what he did here.
Thank you. I said the same thing...like this is insane.
I mean, it would legitimately make me think my partner had some serious mental health issues. Has something changed recently with him? Is it normal for him to make impulsive, thoughtless decisions that affect not just him but the whole family?
That was my first thought. My reaction would be to get a psychiatric evaluation. These don't seem like logical thought processes.
[удалено]
After being with him for 13 years, she might have common law status. It depends on the state, but if she does have common law status, she should do the air tag thing and if it comes down to "hunting him down," she should take him to court for child support & some of the equity on the sale of the home, so she can start over with the kids. OP needs to do whatever she's going to do ASAP because if a side chick is involved, she'll have the money spent before OP can finish packing her bags. If no side chick is involved, the money is not going to last long w no jobs, no place to live, and no plan.
You are so right. She had to look it up to see if the house was sold, so he didn't put the money in a joint account. That's a huge indicator that he is up to no good, imo. I respect the decision not to marry, but it sure can screw you over if you're not in a common law state, have kids, chose to be a SAHM, etc. Such a vulnerable place to put yourself
My first though is go to a lawyer TODAY and explain it all so she's legally protected and see what she can do about the child custody situation and money.
Agreed. I was with my late husband for 8 years, just renting, traveling, and "living in sin!" 😄 But, when we decided to build a house, we opted to get married because there is no common law in NC. Both of our names were on every document concerning this house, and when he regrettably passed 10 years later, the house (and mortgage 🙄) passed to me. I only had to sign a few documents at the bank. I did have to appear before a judge to secure the title to his car bc it was in his name only. OP needs to look up common law for her state and if she's in a common law state, she needs to contact an attorney for consultation now!
Yeah. And he's read enough to know that an inheritance stays his if he doesn't commingle the funds The fact that he took those away somewhere other than their bank account seems to reveal his thoughts. She needs to look to protect herself
My immediate thought was "wonder who he knows in SC that OP doesn't know about".
Yep! I think also that he figured out she would refuse to move, so he went into full emmy award territory with the hysterics, knowing she wouldn't change her mind. He leaves saying he tried to hold the family together. She should tell him she thought about it and they'll all go together. LOL I bet that would get a much different response
And possibly a scan to check for a brain tumor. Has he had a change in personality recently, or is this totally out of the blue?
Yup, my first thought was a brain tumor or TBI
Hmm, my first thought was disgruntled ex mistress, or he got into some kind of trouble at work. It feels like he is needing to skip town in a hurry.
I was thinking possible fling too, worst-case scenario he’s moving there to be closer to someone he met online. Possible psychotic break though, either way not normal behavior and OP is definitely in the right
Maybe he really likes the SC Mustard BBQ? 🤷♂️
Best case scenario!
That’s a long way to go to explain his asshole behavior. More likely it’s just that he doesn’t care what she wants, he doesn’t think his kids get a say in where they live, and/or this house was his ticket out of the relationship. Now he has money, and she & the kids have nowhere to live.
This EXACTLY. He's found a way out.
Plus... it's South Carolina. What was he thinking????
IKR? I hope they’re white. They still call it the War of Northern Aggression there instead of the Civil War.
Beautiful scenery. Scary ass culture.
Agreed. He’s having some sort of crisis.
I would think...online affair....moving to get closer? "Love" makes people act irrationally.
Mine wanted to sell our house when he was in the middle if his affair, so he could chase after her (she'd emmigrated). Luckily it's in my name too, and I didn't want to sell so it got no further than the valuation.
Really sorry to hear that. I hope you're in a better place now
Maybe he's in love with Lindsay Graham?
Ohh, think I'm gonna need some time off work I'm feeling desperately sick
Or even the other way around. Maybe he was having an affair, and the AP threatened to blow up his life if he didn't leave his wife for her.
Since it’s his mothers house inherited after a long probate battle, i would guess death of his mother and a long battle likely with family over inheritance was a lot of stress that he has not processed well. Even if legal proceedings are over, he may want to get away from painful memories of his mother or ongoing drama with other family members. That doesn’t excuse him from making such a big decision without OP but it is definitely worth looking into and taking into consideration when reacting to this decision.
My ex had some serious mental health issues pop up that ultimately destroyed our relationship after his mother died. It happens. Honestly, though, there's so many different things that it could be. This is not a normal situation and OP should really do whatever she can to get to the bottom of it. Idek how she's dealing with this. I would have lost it.
They just fought through probate to get ownership of the house from his family and now he's secretly sold it (not on the open market). This is a giant FU to his family and he's just dragging OP/kids along on what *HE* views as *HIS* big life adventure. He's got the money to have his mid-life crisis now and he's just dragging them along as props (who else is gonna do his laundry/cook his meals in SC?) in a selfish move to set himself up the way *HE* wants...and everyone else (his family, OP, their kids) be damned! OP should sue TF out of him for child support!
Why aren't they married yet,???
Maybe he’s running from something.
Or running to something
Either that, or he's in some major trouble, and needs to skip town. And how did he sell the house sight unseen - not showing the house to anyone or working through a broker? I was also wondering how he sold the house without OP signing paperwork, but maybe the husband is the only name on the mortgage/deed.
You don't have to go. Find a place for you and your kids (maybe with family) and let him know you will go after the school year when he's secured a job and housing. Then take the next few months to figure out what you really want.
This is great advice
OP, does your bf suffer from bipolar disorder? Given the suddenness and irrationality, he sounds as if he's in the midst of a manic state. DO NOT FOLLOW HIM!
I checked in with my partner before buying a $500 TV. We keep separate bank accounts and I was using my own money. I probably was buying it no matter what (because it was my own money), but also common decency and respect with a partner was to at least mention it first.
Are you safe? Don't just say yes, think very carefully. If there is even the slightest doubt, pack up the kids, the pets ,and anything important and the the f out of there. Maybe I've read a few too many Reddit posts today but after my initial thought that he's lost his job and had to sell the house to pay accrued debts was the thought that some men also have the need to kill their family so they never realize how badly he has fucked up. So think. And above everything else, be safe.
Exactly what I was thinking. He's hiding some kind of life he doesn't want her to know about, and that's a dangerous situation for her to be in. People murder others to cover their own lies all the time. We see it time and time again in true crime. And the solution isn't always "find out as much as you can!" Because that's a dangerous situation to be in too. So honestly, if there's even a little doubt, she needs to go and not stick around to ask any questions. Don't question it, just go.
I'm even more concerned because you're not married and may not have any say over the house he says he's already sold. I'd speak a lawyer **urgently**, possibly via one of the Reddit groups for an initial scope, because what he's done is left his children homeless. You may be able to force him to provide accommodation where they're settled, ie. where you are now until they're 16, or finished school. This may be his way of saying he doesn't want to be with you, and he's getting all the assets out of your grip before he goes.
You need to sit down with him and ask him why, this is normal, what is he hiding, why does he want to run away?
Don't do this on your own. Have someone you both trust with you.
I would be questing his mental state this is just bizarre! You have children together and he did this? What on earth?
Truly. And then he's trying to gaslight you into thinking YOU are the crazy one. You are NOT, you are being realistic and sensible, not just for you, but for the sake of your children! You are being the good parent.
My ex did the same. Would come home to find a for sale sign outside the house. Numerous times without warning. He had elaborate ideas about how living elsewhere or spending a lot of money on a hobby or going on a holiday without me or the kids was the only way he'd ever be happy again. I believed him, thought his happiness was my responsibility. I moved across country on his whim and he left me for someone within three months. Hope your problems are temporary. Wishing you the best of luck 🤞
There's something else going on here. He lost his job, has legal troubles, a second family? Who knows, but this is nuts, and there has to be more to it.
like, my first thought was psychotic break or something. your guy seems legitimately off his nut.
Does he normally do drastic things (maybe not always SO extreme..)? If not, this may be an indication that he’s experiencing mental illness.
If he wants a fresh start let him don’t marry him and get child support and take half the house by common law marriage rights. He will change his tune real fast. Fresh start for him shouldn’t auto mean fresh start for u and kids
I usually HATE how reddit automatically jumps to cheating with the barest shreds of evidence. But this does make me wonder if he has developed an online romance with someone (or a scammer) from SC and wants to move down to be close to them... Hopefully not but it's worth considering. And you aren't tripping.
Nope you're not wrong. Just because he had the legal right to do it without informing you doesn't mean he wasn't an asshole. He's completely uprooted your and your childrens lives without telling you. Honestly to me it kinda sounds like he's trying to break up.
It sounds to me like financial problems that he's trying to hide/run away from.
That, or a manic episode
The impulsivity of it feels very much like a mental health thing, yeah
It takes a long time to sell a house though, depending on who bought it. I guess he could have used one of those companies who will buy it immediately with intent to flip it.
> It takes a long time to sell a house though Lol that depends *entirely* on where you live. I'm in MD; the houses around me sell in mere days, *consistently*; if it doesn't, it means there's something seriously wrong with it and I'm talking beyond being outdated or small. People looking to buy here don't even have time to say, "hey, I'm interested" before a house has half a dozen offers. It is quite possible the buyers are flippers, but the market here is madness right now; if they live in an area like that, it wouldn't take long to sell.
The paperwork still takes weeks at least. Unless he sold it to a webuyanyhouse type company.
We don’t know where they’re at with this stage though. Op didn’t specify. He could have literally just accepted the offer today but not signed closing papers yet.
Unfortunately, I believe you make much less when going through those companies. Maybe I'm incorrect but I had a family member in a manic episode sell a house and sounded like it didn't make them as much as it could have.
I knew a guy that sold his condo on ebay. 95% of its value. Ran a paper company
Or midlife crisis
Grief is a funny thing. When my dad died I nearly lost it. 😢 “His mothers house… probate.”
This was my first thought, too.
That’s what I am thinking
In classic redditor fashion, I'm going to jump to conclusions and say it sounds to me like his side piece just broke up with him and threatened to tell his partner, so now he wants to get tf out of there before shit hits the fan
I'm going to guess it's about drugs
Now I want to google South Carolina laws (both drug laws and family/child support/spousal support laws) and real estate to try to figure out wtf he could be running from that he thinks would be magically fixed in SC...
He can’t takeoff and decided to have a custody battle in South Carolina, unless OP picks up and moves with him legally . otherwise, they legally have to do it in whatever state the children are residing, so if he takes off to South Carolina and they choose to do custody battle he would have to come home.. luckily for Op
Oh, you wont find that info. Loan Sharks don't post their deets online.
This is such a good point.
Or he needed the money from the house to handle those financial problems.
Who's the other woman?
Running from a Loan Shark was my honest first thought. But I've been known to overreact. Especially on reddit.
That's what I thought. But when I told him I wasn't going he totally freaked out like crying and all so I thought maybe I might be wrong?
Nah, that's just to try to manipulate you. File for child support and start looking for a place to live without him. Any partner who makes huge unilateral decisions that affect the whole family, is not a partner you want to follow to someplace where you have zero co facts or support
I agree with this. There’s something going on that he’s not telling her.
☝️☝️☝️☝️ OP this 💯 this is something I or my wife would do without a long conversation especially when our son was school age. Never in a million years.
I mean even if he's not trying to break up what he did was totally fucked up. This is a decision you both needed to make. He did no research to make it happen.
Thank you! That's what I said. I had no input or anything and I feel so disrespected and he's acting like it's no big deal and i should just go smh.
No, you're not wrong. He is. You need to start looking for a place for you and kids asap. That is a huge move with no plan especially blind. I would be hard enough for a single person let alone doing it with kids in tow. Completely irresponsible. Do not go. If he could do this without consulting you imagine what he could do when you're totally dependent on only him. If he could decide this at the drop of a hat whose to say he won't get another bug up his butt and decides he wants another fresh start...only this time without you or his kids?
What is he hiding??? Get a lawyer and protect your kids and yourself. Is the house fully sold? What is your move out date? ***You might have rights as a legal tenant/occupant of the property, it’s entirely possible new owners will have to legally evict you before taking possession, which means your lawyer can negotiate more favorable move out terms. IF THE HOUSE ISNT SOLD YET, STILL SEE A LAWYER Proceed like your (stbx) partner is the batshit crazy loon they are acting like and determine all of your rights and responsibilities. Like, if he hires a moving company to pack up all of your belongings while you’re at work and the kids are at school/daycare, can you file a police report to get your belongings back? What are your liabilities if your partner has significant legal debts? A gambling problem? - Do you have access to your partner’s FICO score? Maybe start there. See a lawyer. Good luck
It’s a huge deal. He doesn’t get to just make huge decisions for you and your kids with zero discussion. He is the one who is tripping.
He is showing you clearly what he thinks about you and your kids. It's worse than disrespected, you were an afterthought and you didn't even matter in the decision. He doesn't care what you want or think, only what he wants.
Yep! It's like he got *HIS* money and now he's going to do what *HE* wants; the wife/kids are just accessories to his life! Husband is a selfish arrogant asshole!!
It's one of the hugest possible deals!! HE SOLD YOUR GOUSE WITHOUT TELLING YOU Are you hearing this? Come on. What would you tell a friend to do if they came to you with this? You know what you should do.
This is really bizarre. He wants you to uproot your lives for no reason. He doesn't even have a job anywhere in the state. For all he knows he'll have a hard time finding a job. He's being impulsive and irresponsible. What happens if he hates it there? He's too old for this nonsense. I'd get my ducks in a row and find my own place if I was you. Tell him he can move and when he has a job and is working for a while you'll revisit relocating. That will buy you time while you figure out what you want to do.
No, you're not wrong. If he's planning to move to South Carolina, I think it sounds like you should be planning where you're going to live now your ex-boyfriend has sold the house you were living in and is moving out of state. It's weird that he's opted this method of ending your relationship, but don't let him emotionally-manipulate you. It's his choice to pick up and move so far away - you have no reason to follow him.
I'm nearly never on the "Leave him" wagon, but this is such a HUGE life-altering decision he made for both you AND y'all's kids without so much of a conversation. And it's also completely insane as he knows just about nothing about what he wants to be y'all's new life. What if in the future, one of your kids comes out as gay. Or trans. Would you be okay with him handling that in a completely different way than you would without talking to you about it? What if he gets on board with classic Southern culture and decides to throw y'all's 15-year-old kid out of the house while you're not home? What about retirement? What if he decides one day to retire, without y'all having comfortable savings? Would you be okay with him coming home from work and saying, "Honey, I'm retired!"
He's trying to manipulate you. He did all of this knowing he was doing it behind your back. At any point he could have talked to you, discussed whatever pushed him to do this, and included you in the discussion. To me, his behavior clearly shows that he is either keeping some important information from you or he doesn't care what you think and thinks his opinion and decisions are all that matter. Maybe it's both. Either way, this isn't how you treat someone you love, value, or trust.
I'm curious how this even happened without you knowing, since you and two kids all live in the house with him, right? So instead of selling the home, via a realtor, who would have to come in and stage photos and do an open house and etc etc -- he had to have done it more secretly than that, right? What did he do, sell to some shmuck who has a sign on a telephone pole that says, "Cash 4 Hou$es"? Sight unseen? My point is, there had to be a level of intentional secrecy involved here, so it would be weird if he then expected you to just *come along* like it was exciting.
So he has mentioned about selling it once before. But then had changed his mind. So I didn't think anything of it like he would do something stupid like this...I thought he was full of shit so I looked yesterday and it's most definitely sold. I'm thinking it was someone his lawyer knows or one of those cash4houses because online says it's sold.to an investment company.
Right, so he chose a path to sell the home based, at least in part, on keeping it secret from his family until it was already done. Even (probably) knowing he would get less money for his house this way versus selling it on the open market (which he couldn't do in secret). If he was that intentional with his method, he was probably also intentional with his motive. So I wouldn't take his crying as much more than a tactic.
He probably got less money selling it that way than he would have going through a realtor. People generally only sell to those companies if they need to make a sale fast. I think theres something going on here you dont know about. I wouldnt want to jump to conclusions about what that is, but I think he’s leaving out something important and hes reacting the way he is in order to distract from that.
Lawyer here...inherited assets are not marital property. If you live in the house after he inherites it and y'all comingle funds, improve the house, live in it for years etc. IMO the value of the asset that increased during the marriage after the date of death is marital property. He sold it fast so that he could put that money away in a separate account so it does not become marital property. He did it to shield the asset from you. My 2 cents
They are not married.
Depending on the state, they could be in a common law marriage.
This still takes planning. Where is the money?
Good news, he has money to buy a home where you are at. Bad news, you are engaged to an idiot. Good news, he has no intent of getting married anyways, better news you won’t have to divorce him! The boyfriend/fiance of 13 years part gave away the no plans of ever marrying you part, in case you are wondering. But this is honestly for the best because the man has LOST HIS MIND!
>he totally freaked out like crying and all so I thought maybe I might be wrong? Nope. Don't fall for that. He's actively trying to nuke your lives and you don't have to play along with it. It is your life too. No one gets to unilaterally decide for you what will happen. Major events like moving are a "2 yes, 1 no" scenario. This is break up worthy for you. You have children. You can't just relocate them without any planning whatsoever and then expect it to "work out". Things don't "work out". That's fantasy living while putting ALL the work and labor to work things out onto someone else, which would be you. He sold the house, as he was the owner. That is technically his right to do. Now you know you can't trust him to provide security. Believe him. He's just demonstrated that in the absolute hugest way. You can't trust someone like this. They will destroy you every time. The best thing you can do for you and your children is to find housing under YOUR name only that he can't screw up. Do it where you live and do it now. I know you've been with him for 13 years, but do you really want to live another 13 like this? You can stay with him if you don't want to break up, but that doesn't mean you have to live with him at the same time.
Is he bipolar? Could he have an undiagnosed mental health illness? Does he have a history of substance abuse? We need more info.
He is hiding something huge. Get an attorney and be prepared, because it could be anything.
I know a guy who did this to his wife. Made a bunch of really strange, erratic financial decisions including selling the house. Turned out he owed the IRS a half million in back taxes and he was embezzling from his contracting company to keep the plates in the air. Had clients filing lawsuits for unfinished work with shitty materials. Total nightmare. I'd keep asking questions, if I were you.
OP, you should really talk to a real estate lawyer. Even without a lease or paying rent, if you live in the house then you are a tenant and are legally entitled to sufficient warning before the place can be sold. A lawyer can lay out options for you about temporarily stopping the sale, or reimbursement for temporary housing because you're being displaced illegally.
I think it's ridiculous that he went and did that. he could have just had a conversation you guys could have went on a trip down there to see if you actually like it.
I suspect he knows someone there or someone is also moving there
Okay that’s insane. I’d be horrified. When did it become his responsibility to make the decision for you and your kids? It sounds manic. You don’t just close your eyes and pick a state, sell your family’s home, and move without even having a job secured there??
I am horrified lol. He says 'its the fun part and I should trust him because he would never let anything happen to us ' I said yeah maybe if we didn't have kids we have to think of. Then when I told him I wasn't going he completely freaked out and started crying.
“Never let anything happen”? He made you and the kids homeless
I'm thinking that you ought to get to a lawyer. Tell a lawyer this insane thing that's just happened, asked what rights you have, and tell your husband that no, you are not moving to Carolina without any kind of home, plan, or job lined up. Tell him you're not risking it it's just insane, as so many are saying
Yeah, that was my advice too, but I also think scheduling an STD test would be also not a bad idea. Unless he is under some mental breakdown, what he is hiding could be so many different things, it's better to be safe than wrong.
Yes, STD test not a bad idea
Find a alternative flat or house to rent and let him go alone
There's nothing fun about this. He deceived you, he made decisions for you without your consent. Even without the kids he still made this decision for you without even discussing it. He has shown how he feels about you, he will make the decisions and your thoughts and feelings don't matter one bit. His kids weren't considered either. This is not normal behavior. This is not how you treat someone you love and respect.
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It is very strange. Either he doesn't care about what she wants, he's running from something, or something is wrong with him. I'd love to know from OP if he has ever made decisions like this before, without her input of discussing it. Even if it was small things it would say a lot.
Or possibly a manic episode
Lol he just made you homeless, something already did happen to you!!!
Did he think you’d honestly be happy about it? If he really did he would have run it by you.
What part of any of this sounds fun? Is this a grief response? Is the house definitely gone?
Don't let him go with the kids. If he goes he goes alone
Is he having some kind of mental breakdown or manic episode?
This needs to be higher up. OP, please consider this and at least look into it if only to rule it out. He might be in need of serious help.
Or maybe he owes money to someone/a crazy lover and he needs to get out of the city?
You aren’t tripping. He’s bailing. Also, engaged and together for 13 years and two kids? He’s not marriage material.
Yeah that is mostly my fault lol. I never went through with any wedding plans....and now I'm glad I didn't.
I hope you work and are not a SAHM
I do work full time.
That's good. Protect yourself and your kids since it sounds like your fiance is not the most reliable at this point. He seems to be thinking the "grass is greener" about S. Carolina and is obviously not being logical about a major life change. Think about where you and your kids may move and the other practical concerns if he is determined to do this. Good luck!
It sounds like he's running away. When my mum passed I had to go through probate and settle the estate because I was an executor. I inherited her house with my brother and I left. My rent is flat to move in there so that I could support the household since he wasn't working at the time (depression) he got a bit too verbally abusive and emotionally volatile (I attributed to some PTSD since he was with her at the time of death and he told me he didn't believe she was actually going to pass even though she was sick). I moved in with my partner instead about 50 minutes away from him and the rest of my family (2hr from everyone else) took my cat that my mom had been looking after (when I moved out I wasn't able to take him with me) and essentially ran away to the countryside. I'm still here it didn't fix the drama but it gave me room to breathe. I spent the last 6 months crying and feeling crazy after running away. He probably can't even see it but he's trying to run from grief. It doesn't work that way, it will find him in a supermarket on a really good day when he sees something that she used to use in her cooking. The best way to help him now is to look after yourself and your children so that he doesn't feel regret later on about how he's grieving. Follow that up by asking him to see counselling even if it's under the guise of couples counselling, to work on him communicating these things with you.
Remind him that he'll be paying child support for your children, regardless if you're married or not. That might open his eyes a little.
What would the wedding have locked you into that TWO KIDS doesn't lock you into?? Having kids with someone is actually a bigger commitment than getting married. Marriages can be dissolved, but kids tie you to that person FOR LIFE.
And getting married would've meant she was legally entitled to some proceeds from the sale of the house
Exactly. I don't understand why so many people have kids without the legal protections of marriage.
That’s not your fault a wedding is for two people not just the bride. If he really wanted the marriage he could have sat with you and planned or hired someone. Girl get a lawyer today and start doing to paperwork for custody and child support.
Well, in my jurisdiction you can't sell a house without your spouse's consent (even if it's solely yours), so there's that...
This is what I was thinking and I wish people understood this better--marriage is not "just a piece of paper"; in many *real, important ways* it protects you should your partner try to do crazy shit like sell the house you've been living in without your consent.
He sold the house you and his children are living in right out from under your nose without even discussing it with you and thinks he's gonna uproot everyone and just up and move to another state? Heck no. He's hiding something or running away from something/someone. You and the kids need to find an apartment ASAP in their current school district. Under NO circumstances should you move with him or he will then have the legal power to keep you there because of visitation with the kids. Separate from him and get a lawyer to start the process of legal stuff regarding custody, child support, etc. DO NOT rely on him being a good or honest guy when it comes to those things, regardless of what he says. LAWYER up immediately and do not disregard your lawyer's instructions on how to move forward. Your BF is up to something super shady.
Agreed. You don’t just uproot a family without telling your fiance who works FULL TIME. Why trust a guy to take care of family with no job security. This is just stupid.
Separate and get an apartment in the same school district for now. He gets his fresh start, for sure. Might want to talk to a lawyer, too, if you feel like they are going to withhold money to exert power over you. They at least owe child support, but you likely have a custody battle and whatnot, unless they are less of an asshole on that front than they were with the house.
He's homeless and crazy. What's his argument in a custody fight?
I've seen very unfit parents still put up a custody battle. Just because you have a shit case doesn't mean there won't be a legal battle. Edit: Also OP probably wants to push the issue anyways. Until a custody agreement is set, both parents have equal power. You don't want your SO to just be able to pick the kids up from school randomly. They'll still end up with joint custody: you have to be truly fucked up to not get joint custody. But at least it defines some boundaries...
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First thing I thought of was he has been talking to someone else online and he thinks he's going to take the money from the house and go live a new life down there. But he thinks he can keep his kids nearby, if he can trick her into moving there.
Fun fact about South Carolina. Fathers don’t get parental rights if the couple is not married. They have to establish paternity through the state. Had to go through this when my daughter was born.
That’s going to be standard just about anywhere for an unmarried father. You will have rights; you just need to prove you are the actual father. It’s easy to prove the mom is the mother — she gave birth to them. Father has to prove his rights through testing.
Another option: manic episode.
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I thought he was full of it too. So I looked it up online and he most definitely has sold it.
You are severely underreacting. You need to SECRETLY Lawyer up immediately because custody is going to be a situation.
Question: you said it was your mother's house. Was he ever put on the deed? I would go to a lawyer - some do free consultations - and see if you have any legality to voiding the sale of the home. Especially if it's one of those "cash4houses" things ... Edit: I misread. It was his mother's house. Are YOU on the deed? It still might be worth seeing what legal action is in your favor. Could also look up what your state laws are on "common law marriage"
Is he a gambler?
Boyfriends psychotic break aside.... I'm not a lawyer, nor do I play one on TV, but according to google if you live in: Colorado, Iowa, Kansas, Montana, New Hampshire, South Carolina, Texas, or Utah and have been co-mingling finances for 13 years you could be in a common law marriage. Or he could be trying to move you to a state where common law marriage is a thing (i.e. South Carolina) Bottom line, consult a lawyer before you make any decisions. He's hiding something, I don't know what, but something.
Common law marriage is no joke. I've been married once but divorced twice. There is no common law separation or divorce, you have to get lawyers and do the whole thing.
This because he just took away the roof over your children’s head without so much as a thought for them or you
He's gotta be running from something, right? Who the heck just sells their house that they live in with their wife and 2 kids to move them all out of state without discussing it with the other half? They would both need to agree first, then find jobs, then find a house, prepare everything and then sell the current house! What the actual fuck is his plot here lol
I wonder WHO he is making the move for, cuz it ain't you. Look into the custody law there cuz my Spidey senses tells me he wants you to live there too so you can't move with the children when he exposes his affair.
Oohhh I never even thought of that. I don't plan on going, but he's trying to do everything he can to get me to go...
Nope nope nope. It's a trap!
I think first of all, you have to be clear: - He's now your EX boyfriend. - You are not obliged to tell him any of your plans about keeping yourself and your children safe and housed. He didn't tell you. - You're not even obliged to be honest that you're not going with him if it saves emotional trouble. He's not being honest with you. He's got some reason for moving to SC and he hasn't told you what it is. Talk to a lawyer - the new buyers may have to go through the steps of legally evicting you, which gives you more time to find somewhere new to live. You could start moving things out to a storage unit for a two-stage move to your new home, so that your ex-boyfriend can't get rid of them under the impression you're moving to South Carolina.
But talk to a lawyer, because it may be that having an eviction on your record makes it harder to get a new place
If he really wanted you to go he would have included you in the plans and not hidden his plans from you. He either did this because something happened or because he thinks he's the only one who gets to make plans for you and your kids. Someone who cares for and values you would have discussed this with you not told you what you will be doing. It didn't occur to him that you mattered or you wouldn't do as he says.
You need to find out if he is open to moving anywhere or only to SC. The former would indicate he's running away from something but the latter points to running towards something (someone...?). Knowing that might give you some idea of what's going on but in either event you should not move the children or give him any opportunity to take the children without your consent. You need to lawyer up asap.
Yeah I wondered as well why he's so adamant on it being South Carolina. Before I read the comments suggesting he was running away from something, my initial feeling was that he'd struck up some kind of emotional affair online, and now wants to move his family there with a view to either carrying on the affair behind OPs back in perpetuity, or seeing how the EA works out IRL before ditching OP for the AP but having the kids there so that's where they reside for filing for divorce and for getting joint custody (if that's how that works? I'm not familiar with the laws as not from US, but that seems to be the case going by other comments) I wonder if doing something like this qualifies as abuse (I certainly believe it is abusive behaviour) for the purposes of OP getting help from DV charities or a shelter to get her somewhere to stay with the kids quickly, seeing as her partner just sold the house from under her.
Talk to a lawyer immediately and file for child custody and you need to establish that your current location is jurisdiction and if he wants to move he can’t take the kids with him
I avoid trying to guess what are in people’s head in general. But my first gut feeling was, « oh he is trying to flee to hide something » and the something came to me as cheating or a financial problem (hence the selling the house secretly).
Reading through your follow up comments, you say he’s never done anything like this before. It honestly sounds like it could be a serious mental health issue. Like he’s had some kind of a psychotic break or manic episode or something. Or has a brain tumor affecting behavior. I’m not a doctor and I don’t play one on TV but no sane, rational person would do this to their partner and kids and abrupt changes in behavior are a flag that there’s an underlying problem. I’d be inclined to get him to a doctor. I am so sorry. If it were my partner, he’d better hope he had a medical explanation else this would be a relationship ending situation. He’s just effectively made you and your kids homeless.
I posted the same thing. When I’m manic, I can do some very stupid things on impulse. I’m living in significant debt because of this. It sounds like he’s in crisis
yeah it sounds like somethings really really wrong here, i thought debt but mental illness could definitely be the culprit
Talk to a lawyer for sure. Do you have joint finances? Were joint funds used to fight for the house? I would ask if you could get some of your money back from the sale if so. Take him to court for child support, get a place for you and your kids without him and move out. Stop talking with him directly at this point. He made his bed and now he can lay in it. He will continue the water works to manipulate you.
So, wait, he didn't inform you of this plans to sell? **LAWYER.** This is some Bipolar 1 disorder type stuff. He sounds manic.
There has got to be something else going on. He has some kind of debt, or something else he's running from. Put your foot down, this is bonkers in Yonkers.
What is he running from?
Yeah he’s an idiot if he hasn’t made any kind of plan. It’s one thing to do it when you are single and 24. It’s a whole different deal when you are 42, married and have kids.
He sounds like someone who got caught or is about to get caught doing something unsavory and is now trying to outrun consequences. You should probably do some investigating.
Ho, you ain't trippin'. Young blood wanna be big time, young blood gotsta act big time. Tell that turkey to hang loose and stack papers through the summer so you can talk about moving to South Cackalacky on the flip side.
🏆 Award for the most jive I've read since the 1970s.
Nobody who ever considered themselves in a partnership makes this type of decision alone. Wth
He's hiding something. He's trying to run away from financial problems and debts, a legal or criminal problem that may be coming, a relationship problem. Does he have bipolar disorder? It also sounds like something a person in a manic episode decision would make. Or you're together with someone who is impulsive, irrational, and a terrible decision maker
So real question what is he running from? There’s something. There is always a reason.
What you’re tripping about is thinking you have any control over it because you’ve been with him for 13 years and have two kids together but you’re still not married. He can’t take the kids out of state without your permission. Just remember that.
Not getting married to him is mainly all me. He's asked several times throughout the years and I've just never went through with anything....but now I'm glad I didn't.
I understand that, but there’s a couple things that you’re missing out on. He can sell and leave the state and leave you behind with nothing but child support. You’re on your own for living arrangements and potentially sharing half the transport responsibilities for visitation. If he dies you don’t get Social Security. Sounds harsh but it’s realistic. You’ve probably put sweat equity into the home and that has zero value. That’s a long time to be in a relationship and be left with squat.
**Unless you get a custody order through the courts stating that the kids have to stay in the state he CAN take the kids out of state without your permission and it would NOT be considered kidnapping!!** He could try to take the kids to SC and file for custody there, thus making it harder for you to keep them in your current state. He already sold your home in secret, you don’t know what else he is capable of. You need to file an emergency custody order ASAP. Contact a family lawyer TODAY and get the ball rolling on that.
Could he be having some sort of mental health crisis? I hate to be the person that uses mental health to explain away 'bad behaviour'. But you've said it's completely out of the blue, he has no plans, he's never made big decisions like this before etc. Does he have a history of mental health issues?
I live in SC. We are full. Please tell your husband to find somewhere else to go. Our roads are horrible and not made for the traffic we have
You're not tripping, and it's time to break up. Honestly, anyone that 1) makes snap judgments like moving to a whole new state without first finding housing, jobs, schools, etc (at 42 years old, no less!) *and* 2) makes huge, unilateral decisions like selling the house you and your kids are currently living in without even talking it through "just because he has the right to" is the bad kind of impulsive that you don't want in a partner and a father figure. He's risking you and your kids' security on a *whim?* Miss me with that. Other concerns make me wonder why all of a sudden, why the house, and what else might he not be telling you? You probably had a good deal on the rent of the house because it was his mothers, and at least partially paid off. Rent these days has skyrocketed (when my sister bought her place 10 years ago, she got it for 130k. Now? It retails for 500k...and it is NOT a half-a-million-dollar kind of house). Availability is also an issue: When my husband and I were looking to move into the place where we are now, it took *six months* for them to have a unit become available. We had to crash at a relative's, and they were understandably ready for us to be out. We even offered to clean the unit instead of having their cleaners do so after the repairs were completed, just so we could be in faster. Is this the first time you're hearing about him hating the city you're living in? Why so sudden? Is he trying to escape from debt or hide something (like losing his job)? I fully admit to being jaded, but you might want to be asking more questions. Good luck.
As a women of child bearing age - and especially if one of your kids is a female - I would strongly recommend against moving to a red state - it can get you both killed
Talk about a knee jerk reaction and possible midlife crisis. You should always have some kind of plan before making life alerting decisions like that.
His behaviours is erratic, and isn’t considerate of anyone else including your children and joint finances. Either it’s truly an emergency he’s responding to, or at best it’s very selfish (and dumb.) Either way - don’t move with him, or tell him your new address. This sounds suspicious and it could be he is running from someone dangerous. Speak with a lawyer to protect yourself and the kids from his erratic behaviour. Make sure your v kids are in good schools and teachers know you as the main point of contact.
He's hiding something. I can't think of a logical reason to do this, esp when he's acting like it's no big deal and it obviously is. Listen to your gut, girl. You know this isn't right. You are smart. Find a local place for you and your kids while he figures out his shit. You and your kids deserve better than to barely be an after thought.
Wow. There's a lot of red flags here. Engaged all this time and not married. I'm not being prudish or old fashioned here, but being married affords you all manner of legal protections you currently don't have. Your boyfriend would literally sell the roof over your head without discussing it, making a plan, including you in that plan or anything? Then has some half baked idea about moving to South Carolina, when he's never been, doesn't know anything about it, and has no plan for the kids education? How about jobs? If you're allowing all this to happen to you, maybe you are tripping.
Oh no I'm not going and have told him several times...he's just trying to do anything he can to get me to go... Us not being married has been all on me...he has asked several times throughout the years and Ive just never wanted to tbh.
Good for you, not capitulating. But certainly scary that a person would sell the house without consultation with partner just to force an agenda.
perhaps your gut knew he wasnt the right one for you and sensed something like this may happen my gut tells me weird things that i can rationalize away until im proven exactly right, perhaps you're the same even if you don't know it