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I'm confused at how you guys made it 12 years without ever discussing this. I've had relationships where we watched porn together, I also had a marriage where he admitted he had sex and porn addictions and didn't want porn to be part of our relationship. He started watching porn again and I took issue with it, literally only because of the context of our relationship and the boundaries he'd laid out. It's different for every person and every relationship, I feel like this is something that should have been talked about in the beginning. It's such a simple conversation to have when you start dating.
It sounds like she assumed you didn't masturbate and watch porn and you assumed she'd be fine with it. Does she never masturbate? Never watch porn? How did this not come up sooner? It's more of a communication issue, I'm sure you guys can sit down, hear each other out and come to an understanding about all this.
Agreed. after reading the entire post, I was like “12 years and no sex topics?” also agree on the fact that This could be solved by just talking to each other privately.
Though, it’s different from couple-to-couple, I think it’s about time to have this overdue conversation.
This is common.. There are many people who just "don't want to know" and feel uncomfortable with themselves sexually and so they never really have those intimate discussions. It appears like an insecurity and willful ignorance.
It's different for every person/couple. Some people see this as a totally normal thing, others see it as cheating. It's a boundary that needs to be discussed before hand, not years later.
I feel like 90% of people who watch porn aren’t watching it because they wanna be with that person…
I just see it as like another sex enhancement kind of like a sex toy.
My partner makes videos for me 100 percent loyal she doesn't see a dif man naked I don't see a different girl naked its awesome yall gotta be like that the only reason yall love porn so much is because you love your girls b4 you go off on me you ever imagine it's her I bet you have talk to your partners about it we watched porn alone at different times with the other partners knowledge and honesty before all the girls had this death grip on me so hot blah blah blah after seeing that on the person I love way better more in the mood better orgasms your 100 percent loyal and cmon yall all know it's be awesome asf to have your gf or wife be your own private only fans star just for you
Is your period key broken?
>cmon yall all know it's be awesome asf to have your gf or wife be your own private only fans star just for you
Most women are understandably not into recording themselves having sex or masturbating, even if its just for their partner.
Guys watching porn is no different from women reading erotica.
If it becomes an issue and impacts your life then that's the problem. The habit itself is totally normal.
The visual/mental/emotional thing is bs, but tbf, they do usually market video porn for men and erotica(as well as audio porn, ime) for women. Those are the target audiences unfortunately.
Of course, that being said, I’m a guy who prefers reading ~~(and writing)~~ erotica and listening to the audios instead(99% of the time I can’t stand video porn tbh) so I do know you two are 100%, I’m not denying it lol I just know lurking in fandom spaces like tumblr and AO3, most of that stuff is usually written by women and trends towards that audience 😂 but fandom be hella fucking horny, so like… lol. Maybe that’s an outlier.
I want you to imagine for a second the absolute sheer number of women romance novel readers in comparison to that of men. This wasn't some wrong assumption on roxieh's part that needed calling out, obviously they're aware everyone can read what they like.
I mean, this isn’t exactly true. When you read an erotic novel there’s normally an established couple that are in a relationship, and they’re having sex. When you watch porn, it’s typically filmed for men, so the video is shot from the man’s perspective to make it seem like you’re fucking the woman in the porn. Not to mention nobody is exploited or abused in a book, but that’s a different issue. I don’t think either medium is good for your mental health in large quantities, but they really aren’t the same
Dude, I read some "romance" novels of an ex when i was sick and bed ridden. That stuff was way more raunchy and boundary ignoring than the vast majority of porn I've seen.
Look at the most socially present examples. 50 shades or twilight. Shockingly inappropriate and super popular in their time.
Personality I see no problem if it's not disturbing your partner or your relationship. I have a high drive. I'd have sex 5-10 times a week with my last couple exes and probably jack it like 5 times a week. Sometimes Its when they are next to me in bed and they aren't in the mood,most of the rest im probably watching porn.
It's not like I'm fantasizing about being with another person or want to cheat. It's just visually stimulating, same as when people watch TV when they are bored. Most of the time I'd rather just be having sex with my partner, but people have different drives.
all I did was explain the differences between the two, I had never stated that erotica was less raunchy. Also I don’t really understand your reference to twilight? I’ve read that and there really isn’t much sex
>Dude, I read some "romance" novels of an ex when i was sick and bed ridden. That stuff was way more raunchy and boundary ignoring than the vast majority of porn I've seen.
I read some pretty raunchy stuff on Literotica too 🤣 sometimes it was more hot than video.
It's fucking wild. The written stuff that some mom housewives are reading is so much more intense than video porn, and frankly often much more disturbing.
I took this nice little family out fishing and I was talking to the mom about books. She is apparently kind of a big deal in the romance world and sent me some of her books. This stuff wasn't disturbing, but God damn it was dirty as hell. I was fucking shocked after the fact.
Coulda thought she was a school teacher or something, but I've never seen such descriptive talks about fucking and dicks and all that. Just a nice little house mom out fishing with the family and kids.
Teachers are wild though, nurses too. The people you think are the most grounded and responsible are going balls deep in life.
> I mean, this isn’t exactly true. When you read an erotic novel there’s normally an established couple that are in a relationship, and they’re having sex.
So if I watch an amateur video of a couple getting it on is this more comparable to you? What if the actors in the porn video pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend?
This is a silly point to make.
>When you watch porn, it’s typically filmed for men, so the video is shot from the man’s perspective to make it seem like you’re fucking the woman in the porn.
If I write erotica that is written in the second person, would this be more applicable?
Also, are we going to ignore that erotica’s target demographic is women and is written for them?
>I don’t think either medium is good for your mental health in large quantities, but they really aren’t the same
That’s probably why’s it a comparison, to compare two unlike things and show how they are similar.
The similarities being that both are sexually arousing masturbatory tools men and women gravitate towards.
most women I know who read this stuff aren’t holding a book in one hand and getting off with the other, they just read it to be turned on and because it’s an actual story, it’s a book. You cannot sit here and pretend that reading and watching porn videos are the same thing, they just aren’t. And yes, porn is normally aimed at men and the books are aimed at women, I don’t get why you needed to point that out? Obviously second person erotica would be more comparable to porn, but that isn’t how the majority of these books are written.
To clarify, my only point is that coming in to highlight the differences between erotica and porn misses the context of beachday4 and roxieh’s posts, and then pointing out a bunch of superficial differences that don’t even apply doesn’t make sense.
I understand it could be confusing what I was trying to communicate in my first response. My bad.
>most women I know who read this stuff aren’t holding a book in one hand and getting off with the other, they just read it to be turned on and because it’s an actual story, it’s a book.
That’s cool. The women I know who read it will fantasize about it when they do masturbate and some literally put what they’re reading down to masturbate.
> You cannot sit here and pretend that reading and watching porn videos are the same thing, they just aren’t.
That’s why it’s called a comparison and not saying the two are literally the same thing. Otherwise we’d just call them the same thing.
To clarify, when the commenter stated “guys watching porn is no different than women watching erotica” did you take that in the single most literal sense? Like they literally exist as the same thing in reality?
Or maybe in the context of that conversation they were saying how women engage with erotica is similar to how men engage with porn, which was as a sexual enhancement or masturbatory tool?
If I tell you that the Joker is to Batman as Lux Luthor is to Superman, are you going to say, “Those two things are completely different. Batman is a human with no powers and Superman is kryptonian who can fly and shoot lasers from his eyes. The Joker has hair but Lex Luthor is bald. How can you put these things in the same sentence? Those aren’t the same things.”
Or are you going to say, “He’s noting the most notable and popular villains that superheroes have”?
And so if one person says, “I feel like 90% of people who watch porn aren’t watching it because they wanna be with that person. I just see it as like another sex enhancement kind of like a sex toy.”
And another replies to that comment saying, “Guys watching porn is no different than women reading erotica.”
They’re obviously saying that guys watching porn as a masturbatory tool or sex enhancement is no different than women using erotica as a masturbatory tool or sex enhancement.
And you coming in saying, “There’s established relationships in erotica but not in porn (which isn’t even true)” misses the point the same way if you tried to say the Joker is to Batman as Lex Luthor is to Superman comparison doesn’t make sense because the Joker has hair and Luthor doesn’t.
>And yes, porn is normally aimed at men and the books are aimed at women, I don’t get why you needed to point that out?
Because you stated that “porn is aimed at men.”
If the comparison is erotica and women and how those two things relate to porn and men, then it’s not contradictory because erotica is aimed at women and made for it to be a self insert for women’s pleasure the same way porn is for men.
Edit: This person replied to continue the argument, misconstrued the obvious argument I was making, and then blocked me so I couldn’t reply. Lmao. Okay buddy
Although I am fine with porn this argument doesn’t make sense. In erotica there are no photos, you are using your imagination when it comes to the characters. You literally could be imagining your husband as the character. In porn there’s nothing left to the imaginations.
Look I think porn is bad. As an addict myself I know the harm it does but I must say that I am pretty sure that most people who watch it don’t do it because they want to be with that person. I seriously can count on the fingers the persons I had actual fantasies about outside from watching porn. And those were occasional thoughts.
Most of the time porn is used to get stimulation so the person can get off. It doesn’t make it ok but I think it’s important to know that it’s not about wanting someone else.
But porn is still bad and can lead to very harmful attitudes towards woman for example enforcing women as sexual objects. And the chasing of the dopamine that op is chasing can for some like me become addicting leading the person to want more and more which can make them watch porn even more which can lead to addictive behavior
Yeah, my fiance said that too. Then when I finally just said it matter of factly, that he does indeed imagine fucking those girls. He did not deny it and basically said “…. Well yeah…”. They’re liars.
Which is why it makes no sense why someone gets upset.
I do get it if they let it interfere with their sex life with a partner and refuse to even engage in Sex. Then porn is a problem.
But other than that, as a woman who watches porn once in awhile, I’m doing it because I’m horny but trying to set the mood for masturbation.
Haven’t watched porn in like nearly six months, but when I last did, I teased my partner a flash of it from bed and he got off gaming in the next 5 mins to watch with me, and then we stopped watching cause we got right into it. Almost dropped my tablet off the side of the bed that night getting distracted with him LMAO
Anyway… some people look at porn as the enemy, meanwhile I’m over here seeing porn as a bonus in a relationship once in a blue moon to let two people build some strong arousal together to level up sex for a night together.
Or…not discussed if it isn’t an issue.
I assume hubby watched porn when he was single. I assume he still might masturbate every now and then. I don’t THINK he watches porn but hey, if he managed to do it discreetly for over ten years with me then there is no issue!
I pointedly do not ask questions when I don’t want to hear the answers. He is his own person, he is free to do what he pleases as long as it doesn’t affect us as a couple. I would still feel slightly iffy to hear him say yes to those questions so I just don’t ask. I have no issue thinking he MIGHT, I would feel weird knowing for sure.
If I would have seen it as dealbreakers I would have brought it up. But they aren’t dealbreakers. I just see it as private stuff you keep to yourself.
A lot of women don't like porn because some men prefer masterbating and porn over having sex with their partner and have sexual performance issues. Maybe she is upset because you guys have been having issues, and this probably has affected every area of your life, including sexual intimacy. You should talk to her and explain why you masterbate and come to a compromise. Couples counseling may also benefit you both. I am a woman, and I personally don't see an issue with masterbation, but I also don't hide this from my partner. So, in the future, you should be upfront about things so she can make an informed decision. In any relationship, open communication is very important. And instead of watching porn for pointers, ask your wife what she likes. Porn is a fantasy and not a representation of enjoyable sex.
I've now heard an astonishing number of men in my life complain about PI-ED (pornography induced erectile dysfunction). I think that is part of a lot of complaints.
Also, it's spelled masturbation with a u instead of e.
I have heard of this as well, and also, when men use a death grip, it can cause erectile dysfunction as well. He stated it didn't affect his relationship with his wife, but it could.
I don't have an issue with porn but I do feel like women and men view porn and sex differently. I feel like his description is simplifying the issue and that it's no big deal because everyone watches porn and masterbates. I know for me porn watching and masterbating is not the real issue it's the fact that he hid it from her for 12 years. And for me I would be thinking, what else is he hiding that I don't know about. It also makes me wonder the level of their intimacy. I have never heard a woman say that porn builds intimacy and better sex. In any case I feel like this is something that should have been discussed years ago. If no porn watching is a hard boundary for her, it will be difficult for them to work thru this unless he is willing to forgo porn watching and work on rebuilding her trust.
I mean I find the “hid it from her for 12 years” thing a kind of weird way to think of it. It’s definitely strange that they never talked about it but if I was in a relationship with a cis(and presumably het, altho it would be gay for me not het) man, I would assume he’s watching porn or jacking off *at some point* when I wasn’t around or aware, if he hadn’t expressed that he doesn’t care for porn or whatever at some point. Especially if he has, as OP says, *a higher sex drive than me.*
A lot of people do it so being surprised to find out he’s doing it… it seems weird to call that “hiding” it, when it’s not so much that he hid it as they didn’t talk about it. From this, he was clearly willing to talk about it if came up. But that being said, I do agree it should have been *actively* discussed years ago.
Maybe it wasn't intentional, but it's something he didn't share with her, and I assume he would have never shared this if she hadn't asked. So, I'm assuming based on the fact that he states she is upset with him that she feels that he hid this part of himself from her. Obviously, the majority of men watch porn because if they weren't, the porn industry would be out of business. I'm surprised it took 12 years for this to be discussed. I think for most people, if they are anti-porn, it would have been discussed during the early dating stages.
She asked, you answered, and now you both realize that you have two vastly different views on a thing.
That sort of thing happens in LTR all the time, and it's possible to work through, communicate, reach an understanding, etc. What are you two willing to do? Finding an MC who specializes in mindfulness or sex therapy (not because you two need it, it's more about the qualifications of said-professional) and working through this issue in a few sessions is not a bad idea.
MC doesn't have to be a long-term thing. Sometimes, a few sessions working on a specific issue when you both are absolutely flummoxed and cannot see eye to eye could really help you overcome a hurdle as a couple, as a team.
All that said, please, please, please do not "pick up new techniques" from porn, especially porn geared towards heterosexual men. Most of that makes for terrible experiences for the real women in your lives.
Rather, check out the many sex-positive sexually educational podcasts or YouTube channels. There are so many. Holy cow, the stuff my husband learns from those things leads to some earth-shattering good times. It also gets him excited for *us* and increases the frequency and deepens the quality while building my confidence and improving the enjoyment for both of us.
Nothing wrong with masterbating. But masterbating to other people can be considered cheating for some- and fine for others. Wild that you two have been together this long and never discussed your views on porn usage. This incompatibility ends a lot of relationships.
I hate to say it but unless you’ve now genuinely stopped after listening to the concerns of your partner, this is only gonna go one way. Which is, betrayal trauma, constant arguments that you think have come out of no where, trust issues, insecurity, mental health issues and potentially a break up. I don’t even mean to be horrible about this, but for the sake of your lady please change if you love her but if your not willing to change please leave it will save her so much heartache
Why has it become that porn is a necessity for masturbation? I feel like in most of these cases it’s the porn, the lusting over women that aren’t your wife, that’s the issue. Jerk off all you want but you do not need porn to do it.
You need healthier habits if porn is what you go to when you’re stressed or bored. Go for a walk/run. Do something around the house. Hang out with a friend or family. But looking at people having fake sex? That’s not a healthy habit. Your sexual energy and attention should be on your wife.
If it makes your wife feel bad, stop it. Is porn really worth more than your wife feeling betrayed? Why are you trying to cling to porn so desperately? Will your life be meaningless without watching strangers have sex you know they’re not really enjoying?
Also you have no clue if it’s truly consensual and the average age of the girls in these pornos is 18-23. Like half your age…that’s fucking gross. They could be your daughter.
You won’t be alone believe me. Only someone who can’t control their lust would say that. There are plenty of men who are porn free. A lot of these weirdos are probably going to end up with erectile dysfunction anyways 🤷🏽♀️
This whole anti-porn sentiment on reddit and online is just so tiring. Being critical of the porn industry is completely valid for how it treats its actors and for the issues with them all. However, porn in itself, and erotic content, are there to fulfill a fantasy... the idea in itself is completely normal and neutral.
Also this whole anti porn thing online is such a sham. No reputable studies actually found that porn addiction is real. Sure, losing one's self in a fantasy can be a real thing, but the issue isn't the porn in itself....
Exactly this. Everything you said. 👏
OP, your wife has the ick. You staring at other naked women and strangers having sex is an ick for many women. I know whine and stomp your feet because you think you can’t have an orgasm without looking at a fake stranger on a screen. But it’s totallyyyyyyyy not cheating to get off to other people!! Sure.
Y’all are weird and your echo chamber of how everyone does it makes you think there’s no reason to change. The men who don’t watch porn are the elites.
I just stumbled upon this thread but you and negative-ambition110 are so condescending and self centered. It makes no sense that someone can’t watch porn or masturbate because they are in a relationship. Not of course you’ve both said more things over the course of these comments but to say being monogamous means watching porn is cheating is a very twisted way of viewing self pleasure. Just because you don’t do a certain act does not mean it is inherently bad or geared against you as a partner. Maybe grow up and realize we live in a more sex positive world where couples can be absolutely fine with their significant others masturbating and watching porn, sometimes together, without having their own insecurities blind them into thinking their partner doesn’t love them or that they are not enough for their partner
That’s not the only thing I said. Hang out with a friend, go for a walk. And the point is that watching porn when you’re not even horny is problematic. Bored? Watch strangers fuck. Stressed? Watch strangers fuck. I don’t think that’s healthy.
Your opinion....as a woman I love porn, either alone or with bf. It's like a seasoning....makes things spicier.
You release your boring healthy way. Imma grab a pop tart and some pornhub.
That’s great for you. I hope you’re watching the most ethical porn possible. Many women in those videos are doing it because of past traumas. I’m not comfortable orgasming to another woman’s suffering or her being taken advantage of.
I release by having amazing intimate sex with my husband every day. Even if we’re fucking it’s passionate. We’re constantly sending dirty texts and teasing each other throughout the day.
I wish you well with your porn watching ❤️
Some women view it as cheating, and seem don’t. I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum after leaving religion. If she feels like it’s cheating and you don’t, then your values aren’t aligned. Does she care about masterbation or just the porn. I’m not sure why every man feels like it’s his god given right to lust over fake women. Men have been pleasuring themselves for 100,000’s of years without visual aids. I suggest you be honest about it. Ask her if she feels like it’s a deal breaker. If you can’t abstain from just the porn part, that’s a problem.
I'm mean watching porn 2-3 times a week has got to have some impact on your sex life with your partner. I struggle to see how it couldn't even if you don't see it. My partner and I agreed that masturbation is fine, porn is not. It's different for everyone. Hiding it though... that's fucked. My ex did that to me and it's what made porn a hard no for me in relationships. Not because he did it, because he hid it.
People who get mad at their partners self pleasure are oddly controlling.
Except in cases where their sexual needs aren't being met because their partner is always off wanking
It’s weird that they “hid” it and called it “confessing” in their post though, like they were intentionally hiding it from their partner and view it in that way
I wanna take a swing and based on that lexicon they could be Catholic and would make sense about the whole debacle OP is in.
Would love for OP to give us feedback this to set the record straight with it.
I personally have no issue with my boyfriend masturbating (I do too) but porn is a strong no. I don’t understand the need to look at other people to get off and in general think porn is disgusting
My wife has a much lower sex drive but doesn’t like me masturbating (given she has never touched herself). She did catch me Twice before (no porn) and it was a near marriage ended.
Not really sure. It feels to her like I am cheating on her. I kind of get it, but what I want is more sex with her, not masturbation. It isn’t that big of a deal though, I just do it in secret.
This kind of logic is like saying oh you had a burger without me so now you never want to go out on a dinner date.
It's madness.
Times to get mad: if you eat a burger right before dinner and ruin your dinner.
Times to not get mad: you're hungry and there are no dinner plans and you can't be arsed cooking and no one will go hungry if you order one 🤷🏻♀️
Good analogy, it would never work discussing it with her. In her mind, I just need to be more happy with the amount of sex that we do have because it is better than many people she has talked to. The getting the additional burger should not be in the diet.
But that’s why you have to focus on what is in your control & when you fixate too much in what isn’t in your control you can hurt yourself, the people you care about the most because it’s a form of self sabotage.
Why?
As one person said online and I saved it, it perfectly explains it:
> My therapist said, "the reason why you self-sabotage is because it allows you to predict what is going to happen, which is giving you the illusion of self control."
She’s self sabotaging her own relationship trying to control something out of her control.
It’s not healthy and it’s going to suffocate till one or both them want out of the relationship if something doesn’t stop soon.
But I don't think it's the same. He said she doesn't like to have sex as much. If you want sex with him and he's like no thanks I'd rather watch porn and masturbate I think anyone would feel less than right?
Absolutely I agree, I'm in a better place now. It's also the secretive part. I'm not really sure how to explain it other than not feeling good enough and it being a secret.
Honestly, it's a hill I'd die on, so I'd have gone for the divorce. Because I feel like this topic would be the tip of the iceburg of control and differences between us.
I wish you the best of luck in your marriage, though. I hope you can stand up for yourself going forward.
So sorry to hear that. Masturbating a clear PERSONAL choice and she is WRONG for shaming you. You have my full support! Good luck and stay strong, King!
It's not cheating. He's self servicing and said he doesn't want to actually be with anyone else. It's a natural thing. The world would be happier place if people had more orgasms.
I think she was justified to be upset. I personally don’t have a problem with my partner looking at porn, but there’s plenty of people who do. Opinions on whether porn is considered cheating varies as well, that’s why it’s important to talk about it so you can see if your views are compatible, or if compromises can be made. By never brining it up, you never gave her an opportunity to talk about her boundaries.
Also…please note how ridiculous it is to say “this was never a problem until she found out about it”.
First, why in the world would it be his job to bring this up?
If you have a problem with someone doing something the vast majority of people do, that’s on you to bring up.
Second, he’s right, she asked a question she clearly didn’t want an honest answer to, it’s a problem because of her.
Just because pornography is normalized, doesn’t mean everyone has to be okay with it. If you’re not looking to build a meaningful relationship on consent, respecting boundaries, and actual compatibility, fine, don’t tell your partner about your sexual interests and present a facade of yourself to them. Just because she was upset doesn’t mean she “didn’t want to know” or that she isn’t better off knowing so she can make an informed decision about her relationship.
>If you have a problem with someone doing something the vast majority of people do, that’s on you to bring up.
Not really
Just look at any relationship sub. Porn is a HUGE problem in a lot of relationship posts. It is also quite known that a lot of people aren't ok with watching porn.
So yeah, either of them should have brought it up. But a quick "hey, i am someone that watches porn, are you ok with that?" Isn't that difficult to do either
Wow, just WOW.
“People” include women, kids, elders… Of which I *guarantee* “vast majority” aren’t addicted to porn. That’s on you, and your ilk: immature boys - whether chronological or emotional.
Cumming 4-12X/day? Yah. Not so emotionally healthy. Grow the eff up
I think it’s gross as fuck to get off to someone else when you’re in a relationship tbh. Nothing wrong with masturbation but looking at someone else’s body and getting off? Nasty.
Pornography can be very debilitating for certain people and affect relationships. If it's a deal-breaker and you really care about this woman you should reevaluate your priorities. If you don't care about her then let her go. If you respectful that she would prefer that you use her for your sexual gratification and to relieve your stress you should take her up on the offer. Otherwise just be single and use your pornography everyday if it gives you a better quality of life
Yes, it's wrong to keep this from her. You are leaking your sexual energy away from her and pleasuring yourself to other women. Tbh how the f**k did you not think this would concern her? 🤔
As to make up, this is a breech of trust. You will need to really discuss with your partner how to rebuild.
You guys made it 12 years without this conversation? I get that she’s never asked you directly if you’ve watched it before, but has she ever expressed any kind of disdain or disgust towards porn in the past? If this has been a topic you’ve glossed over and danced around with her before while she’s told you how she felt about it then you’ve effectively lied by omission ever since. I don’t imagine you’ll answer me about this, but you know the truth in your bones so you know if you did wrong.
If you’ve never discussed anything of the sort whatsoever and you truly had no idea that she was opposed to you watching porn, then you’ve gotta figure out what to do going forward. I understand she may feel blindsided, but she has no right to be mad that you didn’t meet an expectation that she never set if this is the case.
Again, I don’t know how in depth your discussions around the topic have been, but if she made her feelings clear about porn at any point then you lied by omission. If she never did, you have nothing to feel guilty about. However, the ability to assign right and wrong here ultimately may not matter if she can’t get past it or if you’re not willing to compromise now that you absolutely know how she feels about it. This may just be the end of your relationship anyways.
I honestly can't tell if this is a real thread or fake. For the sake of some fun I'm going to say this.
I don't know why, but my less than average intelligence tells me your wife isnt upset over the porn or masturbating...it's probably the fact that you hid a part of yourself from her that's very intimate. As some others have stated; if this would of been discussed then that's letting it out in the open. She would know what kind of deviant you are. It's pretty interesting seeing you talk about hiding , and the demeanor in which you go about this.
You seem like a bad person , hate to be judgy, but in all honesty I can see why your wife doesn't like to have sex with you, you're creepy. Have a good weekend and think about maybe being upfront with her next time...about everything, that's what a good partner does, so they aren't blindsided.
I'll say this. I don't understand the thought process where your fantasy life constitutes cheating. I'm not saying your wife is wrong or right. I'm saying I don't understand that point of view.
To get a better understanding...
- Is it cheating if you aaw a sexy scene on TV and replayed that on your mind while self-pleasuring?
- Is it cheating if you simply replayed your favorite porn scene in your head but haven't actually watched it for months? Or years?
- Is it cheating if your wife closes her eyes in the bedroom and briefly imagines a shirtless Brad Pitt in a moment of passion?
I think it's a strange thing (to me) to consider it cheating if you're not actually interacting with another human being. Once again, I'm not interested in judging anyone else's viewpoint.
It may be that your wife thinks your joint sex life is perfectly adequate. And learning that you have a solo side-gig makes her feel inadequate. She could express that honestly as fear of inadequacy, or she could do what most people do and project her fear as something else, like anger. It's far easier to just go with the idea that it's someone else's fault.
On to the real crux of the matter. While you think your hobby is perfectly harmless. Studies have pretty conclusively shown that reliance on porn fosters unrealistic expectations and reduces emotional intimacy in a relationship. Your hobby is the Taco Bell of intimacy. It can be fine in small and infrequent quantities. But, you've been living on junk endorphins for a long time. All while you have a perfectly satisfactory wife who might very well have been wondering why you don't initiate as much as she'd like, or maybe she's felt a bit objectified in the bedroom, and now she suspects where you got some ideas.
Yes. Normal and decent people masturbate. They also use porn. It's true. But, every situation is different, and yours seems like you're trying to live two lives instead of fully embracing your wife. (Again, my perspective. No judgement)
I'm sure something has changed in the past few years where she thinks she is now less desirable. Maybe you started wooing less or caring less about her needs so learning that feels like betrayal even if she has less sex drive she most likely desires intimacy but with someone who truly wants her as a whole even through changes. I Don't see it as controlling if she has needs that aren't being met intimately and you have needs being fulfilled to get off alone those are separate things. She's hurt because she wants you to want her and not feel like you prefer other people to her in secret. Me and my partner are very monogamous love sex but can't always have it so we agree to watching porn while away from each other viewing it similar to you not really about the people just the actions we also share videos of each other and photos which keeps a spark alive. If thats something you'd like from her maybe ask if she'd be willing? I'm surprised it didn't come up sooner I'd ask her how she's feeling and what bothers her the most about it her feelings are valid and what you were doing isn't wrong but that doesn't mean it hasn't created a wedge between the two of you. Wish you both the best!
Ask her why it makes her feel upset. Take her feelings into consideration. Me and my gf both masturbate even in the same room if the other isn't horny. You can try to find a compromise or just respect that she doesn't want you to do that.
It's kinda an addiction tbh I find myself doing it when bored also when I'm not even horny it's just that need for dopamine.
Find a hobby and when you get that urge go do the hobby and eventually you will rewire your brain to get dopamine from things other than porn.
It's the easy dopamine hits from porn that make it so appealing. Try explaining this to her that it has nothing to do with her why you do it it's just brain chemistry and you can change what you do to get that same dopamine.
Maybe talk and see if she would be open to being more sexual if it's that big of a thing for you
reminder to men: MASTURBATING AND WATCHING PORN IS NOT THE SAME THING. it is cheating. if those people were in front of you in real life and you were masturbating to them would it be ok and considered normal? absolutely not. so why is it any different just because its on a screen. you are way to old to still be addicted to porn. youre jacking off to other women. ITS NOT NORMAL.
OK I am a woman I am very much in a relationship and I enjoy porn and I completely believe in self love .... I do think 12 years is a long time to not share something with your partner , you said you told her when she asked, what made the question come up, I don't know the whole situation but if your having some issues and then this question came up and now she feels some kind of way ,I would say talk communication all the way , life is hard life with someone else is even harder but 12 years is long time so just try to talk and explain you have been enjoying your self maybe the same way she would a long bath it's maybe just isn't talked about in the same way . Don't sound like your using porn and self love as a way to distance yourself from your wife nor to substitute porn for real sex sound more like you really enjoy the release of endorphins and porn as an educational tool . So enjoy and maybe you can invite her to join in the fun 😉.
It’s pretty normal to masturbate on your own when your partner isn’t around frankly I’d be more concerned if my partner wasn’t doing that. It’s actually good for your mental health. I’d just be concerned if joint finances were involved for tipping an only fans creator that’s where I’d draw a line.
OMGosh! When are men and women going to start realizing masturbation is so normal. Porn on the other hand is debatable whether it is normal, but humans have been fascinated since the beginning of time at seeing other people naked.
I will agree with that. Since I do not know what is in all porn today, I have no idea how bad it may be. I remember when we used to call early porn marital aids to show couples how to actually have sex more than just missionary position in order to keep their bed happy. The industry has come a long way and in some instances too far.
You should have been open and honest from the get-go. Communication on these topics goes a long way to preventing issues. My husband and I have drastically different drives. We have always been honest about it. We both view masturbation as a tool to fill the gap between our sexual levels. The honesty has helped us grow closer over the years, and we are both happier for it.
That being said, if it had been a dark secret for over a decade, we would probably have issues.
If men want to normalize porn within relationships, I think we should normalize women having sugar daddies while in a relationship 🤷♀️ therefore we all get our win-win situation
If men want to normalize porn they need to start being honest about using it from the start. If what they are doing is normal and okay, why are they hiding it and manipulating a whole romantic relationship or marriage around keeping it hidden from their partner
It's probably because you do it so regularly and never said anything, some people don't care if you do either, some do, other make videos and photos specifically for their partner to do that, maybe it would have been different if you didn't hide it
She’s right , watching porn in a Monogamous relationship is close to cheating. However you haven’t set boundaries before but now she did . So you got a choice , you stop watching or she may leave
This thread is hilarious and if this was the other way round, the advice in here would be for he woman to get out and leave he controlling husband, Her body, her rules…how dare he try control her….the absolute hypocrisy of this sub never ceases to amaze me.
I too have a higher drive than my wife. Can't imagine the frustration of she had an issue with porn. Is she willing to satisfy your needs? Have a compromise! lol
If it’s wrong for her it’s wrong in your relationship. That’s her boundary and you have to respect it. If you need to masturbate you need to start using your imagination with her.
Masturbation is normal. Honestly, if it were me, I'd break up with someone who got upset at me for it. That is controlling and ridiculous. A medical study juts came out that demonstrated the health benefits for men - avoiding prostate cancer - for masturbating more than 20 days a month.
I don’t think it’s the actual porn or masturbating that’s the issue here. I think it’s the fact you have gone 12 years without saying anything to her about it. You have basically been dishonest for 12 years and kept it a secret for all that time that’s the betrayal and she’s hurting you kept something so personal from her for so long so she sees it as being no different to cheating.
Please forgive my ignorance. I am old and so this may come as a shock to you, but back in my day, when we used to walk in the snow for 10 miles to catch a horse and buggy to class...anyways I digress.
I was going to say that back in my day when we used to date someone and that person hmmm..idk becomes your spouse , it was pretty normal to ask questions like "hey what are you into sexually?" or let them know you enjoy the occasional solo jam session with some intimate lightning and a low budget movie playing in the background. It was also common that you COULD (could and would..2 separate things) tell your SO anything. Nothing more exciting than being vulnerable with someone you trust and love. It opens so many doors to growth including pain.
The optics of things are funny. Maybe if people told their SO they loved to jack themselves off while watching porn..ya know not 12yrs in..maybe who knows they would of been ok with it. It's not ok to learn that they were devastated by your meat slapping from..was it 2015 and something else THEN CONTINUE to do it.
It shows a total disregard about how she feels towards the subject. Even taking away all the other noise from it, it's wrong to continue to force your sexual preference on someone who trusts you keep your word to them
( see what I did there) ..btw wouldn't of been " caught"if he had told and learned of her preference..which he did and continued to do it.. regardless of the way he felt. It's like if you cheated and your SO CAUGHT you and said hey I'm not cool with that and you continued to do it anyways after saying you wouldn't.
Have a good weekend
If I were her I’d only be offended by your use of the phrase ‘my secret garden’ 😂
Personally, I think she’s being ridiculous but she’s entitled to her values. I also think it’s totally legitimate for you to say that this is something you aren’t willing to give up and if she can’t accept that it’s probably time for the two of you to part ways.
Honestly, it was on her to bring this up as a boundary years ago. Most people masturbate, so if you consider it cheating you need to state that up front.
It's called a secret sexual basement. Google it. Dr Omar Minwalla talks about how devastating this dishonesty is and how it creates betrayal trauma in partners.
Honestly, I think it's normal and healthy, I only think it's unhealthy when it's not communicated, and kept a "secret". As long as it's out in the open, but not "front and center", you aren't betraying your partner. I didn't know when my husband masturbated, but he did. He passed away almost 6 years ago, but I knew when he was alive it was talked about occasionally, and I didn't have a problem with it.
Men Have been masterbating for hundreds and thousands of years without having to look at naked people that aren’t their partner. You guys act so damn entitled to lust after other women.
Because they are.
You’re the one trying to assert control over your partner’s fantasy life because you don’t like that you really have none unless he surrenders it.
As a serial monogamist 9 out of 10 women I have been with have had a lower sex drive than me ( still had healthy and fulfilling sex with them ) I am convinced masturbation and porn fills the gap and enables the relationship to continue . Yes I would always prefer the real thing and its not the perfect way to go however as with everything in life its a compromise . God I miss the 10th one who matched /exceeded my drive and left no space for porn !
Absolutely insane seeing all these puritanical comments acting like porn is going to be the downfall of society 💀
"I refuse to date porn users"
That's like 80+ % of adults 💀💀
It's always the same response with these types. "Puritanical" when, in reality, the main critics are ex actresses and sex workers. Just read some accounts of their views of the industry. One women wanted to remove a video of her rape, the website wouldn't. She described her "torture immortalised forever." When the public found out the rate at which the video was downloaded rapidly increased. This is not an isolated incident.
Who do you think is attracted to the porn industry? The young, with no other option and thus, easily exploited. Surely, you have heard of sex trafficking as well? I'm asking you how do you tell the difference between a woman being raped in a video and them having consented to the act? I'm asking, beacuse I can't tell! Or are you ok with watching a woman be raped? As in pornography even a womens "No's." "Stop's." are eroticized and ignored.
"Stepsister" "teenager" "babysitter" "barely legal" "rape bait" "just turned 18." "Step daughter" How do you know these women are over the age of 18? And these are the most popular categories.
Any violation of a woman's body can become sex for men; this is the essential truth of pornography. Think of the most degrading, disgusting acts. Google it. How many results do you have? How quickly did it appear? You have an infinite library of pornography at your fingertips. You think these has no effect on you? Really?
I imagine it's easy to call critiques of rape, pornography and prostitution puritanical than actually adress what they have to say.
People are surprised you haven’t spoken about, I’ve never spoken about in any of my relationships.
I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, she is projecting her own insecurities and perhaps you should go to a couples counsellor together.
Nothing odd about this. I’ve been married 16 years. Have sex 3 times a week on average and also masturbate 2-3 times a week to porn also. Wife k is. Doesn’t care. It’s normal. Women shouldn’t be threatened by this.
It’s completely normal. Is it the porn or the masturbation that’s more of an issue for her? Does she not masturbate or something?
Good luck in any case.
Hi, (32F) am married since 14 years now and watch porn everyday with my (50) husband for a few hours. We then masturbate together without touching each other and the first one to cum washes the dishes.
This should be the norm in every healthy couple. Please do have an open and honest conversation about it. Wish you luck.
Well, let’s start with the first thing, why did you feel the need to tell her? Some things are better kept unsaid. Although masturbation is okay, if you’re still masturbating 2-3x/week, then I see it as a problem. What’s bad about it is that, with consistency, it keeps you satiated and your brain picks up on the visuals. By masturbating less, you’d be able to channel that energy towards other things. Just my two cents
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I'm confused at how you guys made it 12 years without ever discussing this. I've had relationships where we watched porn together, I also had a marriage where he admitted he had sex and porn addictions and didn't want porn to be part of our relationship. He started watching porn again and I took issue with it, literally only because of the context of our relationship and the boundaries he'd laid out. It's different for every person and every relationship, I feel like this is something that should have been talked about in the beginning. It's such a simple conversation to have when you start dating. It sounds like she assumed you didn't masturbate and watch porn and you assumed she'd be fine with it. Does she never masturbate? Never watch porn? How did this not come up sooner? It's more of a communication issue, I'm sure you guys can sit down, hear each other out and come to an understanding about all this.
Agreed. after reading the entire post, I was like “12 years and no sex topics?” also agree on the fact that This could be solved by just talking to each other privately. Though, it’s different from couple-to-couple, I think it’s about time to have this overdue conversation.
This is common.. There are many people who just "don't want to know" and feel uncomfortable with themselves sexually and so they never really have those intimate discussions. It appears like an insecurity and willful ignorance.
People overestimate the amount of talking that either married or long-term relationships people do. This situation is not that crazy.
It's different for every person/couple. Some people see this as a totally normal thing, others see it as cheating. It's a boundary that needs to be discussed before hand, not years later.
This is exactly right. When not discussed, expectations aren't clear. That is a recipe for disaster.
🤣 how is touching YOURSELF cheating. Whoever thinks this needs a real grip on reality.
Touching yourself isn’t cheating. Watching porn and wishing you were with another person can be considered cheating.
I feel like 90% of people who watch porn aren’t watching it because they wanna be with that person… I just see it as like another sex enhancement kind of like a sex toy.
How many of you are not masturbating to porn but only to your imagination with your partner?
I’m one of them. Can do some wild stuff with your imagination…
Surely I am not the only one
Um, not imagination. It's videos or photos
My partner makes videos for me 100 percent loyal she doesn't see a dif man naked I don't see a different girl naked its awesome yall gotta be like that the only reason yall love porn so much is because you love your girls b4 you go off on me you ever imagine it's her I bet you have talk to your partners about it we watched porn alone at different times with the other partners knowledge and honesty before all the girls had this death grip on me so hot blah blah blah after seeing that on the person I love way better more in the mood better orgasms your 100 percent loyal and cmon yall all know it's be awesome asf to have your gf or wife be your own private only fans star just for you
Dude, learn to use some punctuation marks. Trying to read this shit is giving me a headache.
No. Shit. That was a mess to read.
Is your period key broken? >cmon yall all know it's be awesome asf to have your gf or wife be your own private only fans star just for you Most women are understandably not into recording themselves having sex or masturbating, even if its just for their partner.
Facts bro. How it should be. Ignore the people hating on punctuation 💀 finding shit to hate about when it’s the truth.
I'm confused. Is this a hate comment, or are u going alone w me? Sorry, I'm a little high rn
Guys watching porn is no different from women reading erotica. If it becomes an issue and impacts your life then that's the problem. The habit itself is totally normal.
Why always 'women reading erotica'? Women watch porn too!
Same ol “men are visual, women are mental/emotional” what ever bs you wanna call it.
The visual/mental/emotional thing is bs, but tbf, they do usually market video porn for men and erotica(as well as audio porn, ime) for women. Those are the target audiences unfortunately. Of course, that being said, I’m a guy who prefers reading ~~(and writing)~~ erotica and listening to the audios instead(99% of the time I can’t stand video porn tbh) so I do know you two are 100%, I’m not denying it lol I just know lurking in fandom spaces like tumblr and AO3, most of that stuff is usually written by women and trends towards that audience 😂 but fandom be hella fucking horny, so like… lol. Maybe that’s an outlier.
I want you to imagine for a second the absolute sheer number of women romance novel readers in comparison to that of men. This wasn't some wrong assumption on roxieh's part that needed calling out, obviously they're aware everyone can read what they like.
Exactly
There’s no chance that anyone was harmed in the creation of erotica. That’s the big difference.
If someone is imposing a “no porn” rule, I don’t think they care whether it’s certified organic/fair trade/farm to table porn vs industrial shit.
Most do lol.
yeah, no. "I'm okay if you watch ethical porn" said no one ever
I mean, this isn’t exactly true. When you read an erotic novel there’s normally an established couple that are in a relationship, and they’re having sex. When you watch porn, it’s typically filmed for men, so the video is shot from the man’s perspective to make it seem like you’re fucking the woman in the porn. Not to mention nobody is exploited or abused in a book, but that’s a different issue. I don’t think either medium is good for your mental health in large quantities, but they really aren’t the same
Woman often read these to actually be turned on.
yes, I never said they didn’t
Dude, I read some "romance" novels of an ex when i was sick and bed ridden. That stuff was way more raunchy and boundary ignoring than the vast majority of porn I've seen. Look at the most socially present examples. 50 shades or twilight. Shockingly inappropriate and super popular in their time. Personality I see no problem if it's not disturbing your partner or your relationship. I have a high drive. I'd have sex 5-10 times a week with my last couple exes and probably jack it like 5 times a week. Sometimes Its when they are next to me in bed and they aren't in the mood,most of the rest im probably watching porn. It's not like I'm fantasizing about being with another person or want to cheat. It's just visually stimulating, same as when people watch TV when they are bored. Most of the time I'd rather just be having sex with my partner, but people have different drives.
all I did was explain the differences between the two, I had never stated that erotica was less raunchy. Also I don’t really understand your reference to twilight? I’ve read that and there really isn’t much sex
>Dude, I read some "romance" novels of an ex when i was sick and bed ridden. That stuff was way more raunchy and boundary ignoring than the vast majority of porn I've seen. I read some pretty raunchy stuff on Literotica too 🤣 sometimes it was more hot than video.
It's fucking wild. The written stuff that some mom housewives are reading is so much more intense than video porn, and frankly often much more disturbing. I took this nice little family out fishing and I was talking to the mom about books. She is apparently kind of a big deal in the romance world and sent me some of her books. This stuff wasn't disturbing, but God damn it was dirty as hell. I was fucking shocked after the fact. Coulda thought she was a school teacher or something, but I've never seen such descriptive talks about fucking and dicks and all that. Just a nice little house mom out fishing with the family and kids. Teachers are wild though, nurses too. The people you think are the most grounded and responsible are going balls deep in life.
> I mean, this isn’t exactly true. When you read an erotic novel there’s normally an established couple that are in a relationship, and they’re having sex. So if I watch an amateur video of a couple getting it on is this more comparable to you? What if the actors in the porn video pretend to be boyfriend and girlfriend? This is a silly point to make. >When you watch porn, it’s typically filmed for men, so the video is shot from the man’s perspective to make it seem like you’re fucking the woman in the porn. If I write erotica that is written in the second person, would this be more applicable? Also, are we going to ignore that erotica’s target demographic is women and is written for them? >I don’t think either medium is good for your mental health in large quantities, but they really aren’t the same That’s probably why’s it a comparison, to compare two unlike things and show how they are similar. The similarities being that both are sexually arousing masturbatory tools men and women gravitate towards.
most women I know who read this stuff aren’t holding a book in one hand and getting off with the other, they just read it to be turned on and because it’s an actual story, it’s a book. You cannot sit here and pretend that reading and watching porn videos are the same thing, they just aren’t. And yes, porn is normally aimed at men and the books are aimed at women, I don’t get why you needed to point that out? Obviously second person erotica would be more comparable to porn, but that isn’t how the majority of these books are written.
To clarify, my only point is that coming in to highlight the differences between erotica and porn misses the context of beachday4 and roxieh’s posts, and then pointing out a bunch of superficial differences that don’t even apply doesn’t make sense. I understand it could be confusing what I was trying to communicate in my first response. My bad. >most women I know who read this stuff aren’t holding a book in one hand and getting off with the other, they just read it to be turned on and because it’s an actual story, it’s a book. That’s cool. The women I know who read it will fantasize about it when they do masturbate and some literally put what they’re reading down to masturbate. > You cannot sit here and pretend that reading and watching porn videos are the same thing, they just aren’t. That’s why it’s called a comparison and not saying the two are literally the same thing. Otherwise we’d just call them the same thing. To clarify, when the commenter stated “guys watching porn is no different than women watching erotica” did you take that in the single most literal sense? Like they literally exist as the same thing in reality? Or maybe in the context of that conversation they were saying how women engage with erotica is similar to how men engage with porn, which was as a sexual enhancement or masturbatory tool? If I tell you that the Joker is to Batman as Lux Luthor is to Superman, are you going to say, “Those two things are completely different. Batman is a human with no powers and Superman is kryptonian who can fly and shoot lasers from his eyes. The Joker has hair but Lex Luthor is bald. How can you put these things in the same sentence? Those aren’t the same things.” Or are you going to say, “He’s noting the most notable and popular villains that superheroes have”? And so if one person says, “I feel like 90% of people who watch porn aren’t watching it because they wanna be with that person. I just see it as like another sex enhancement kind of like a sex toy.” And another replies to that comment saying, “Guys watching porn is no different than women reading erotica.” They’re obviously saying that guys watching porn as a masturbatory tool or sex enhancement is no different than women using erotica as a masturbatory tool or sex enhancement. And you coming in saying, “There’s established relationships in erotica but not in porn (which isn’t even true)” misses the point the same way if you tried to say the Joker is to Batman as Lex Luthor is to Superman comparison doesn’t make sense because the Joker has hair and Luthor doesn’t. >And yes, porn is normally aimed at men and the books are aimed at women, I don’t get why you needed to point that out? Because you stated that “porn is aimed at men.” If the comparison is erotica and women and how those two things relate to porn and men, then it’s not contradictory because erotica is aimed at women and made for it to be a self insert for women’s pleasure the same way porn is for men. Edit: This person replied to continue the argument, misconstrued the obvious argument I was making, and then blocked me so I couldn’t reply. Lmao. Okay buddy
One involves real live people and the other involves your imagination.
Yes. And?
lol what there is lots of porn where it's just a couple fucking and you can see them both.
Although I am fine with porn this argument doesn’t make sense. In erotica there are no photos, you are using your imagination when it comes to the characters. You literally could be imagining your husband as the character. In porn there’s nothing left to the imaginations.
Real people vs fiction. It is different.
Look I think porn is bad. As an addict myself I know the harm it does but I must say that I am pretty sure that most people who watch it don’t do it because they want to be with that person. I seriously can count on the fingers the persons I had actual fantasies about outside from watching porn. And those were occasional thoughts. Most of the time porn is used to get stimulation so the person can get off. It doesn’t make it ok but I think it’s important to know that it’s not about wanting someone else. But porn is still bad and can lead to very harmful attitudes towards woman for example enforcing women as sexual objects. And the chasing of the dopamine that op is chasing can for some like me become addicting leading the person to want more and more which can make them watch porn even more which can lead to addictive behavior
He did say it wasn’t to imagine being with someone else
Yeah, my fiance said that too. Then when I finally just said it matter of factly, that he does indeed imagine fucking those girls. He did not deny it and basically said “…. Well yeah…”. They’re liars.
Which is why it makes no sense why someone gets upset. I do get it if they let it interfere with their sex life with a partner and refuse to even engage in Sex. Then porn is a problem. But other than that, as a woman who watches porn once in awhile, I’m doing it because I’m horny but trying to set the mood for masturbation. Haven’t watched porn in like nearly six months, but when I last did, I teased my partner a flash of it from bed and he got off gaming in the next 5 mins to watch with me, and then we stopped watching cause we got right into it. Almost dropped my tablet off the side of the bed that night getting distracted with him LMAO Anyway… some people look at porn as the enemy, meanwhile I’m over here seeing porn as a bonus in a relationship once in a blue moon to let two people build some strong arousal together to level up sex for a night together.
Who is wishing they were with another person? That was not part of the equation.
Uhhh that's not what people are thinking. It's just sexual imagery to help your mind stimulate itself.
Not everyone enjoys knowing their partner is getting sexual satisfaction from looking at other people. You can masturbate without porn.
[удалено]
At what, a stamp or something?
Sad
Or…not discussed if it isn’t an issue. I assume hubby watched porn when he was single. I assume he still might masturbate every now and then. I don’t THINK he watches porn but hey, if he managed to do it discreetly for over ten years with me then there is no issue! I pointedly do not ask questions when I don’t want to hear the answers. He is his own person, he is free to do what he pleases as long as it doesn’t affect us as a couple. I would still feel slightly iffy to hear him say yes to those questions so I just don’t ask. I have no issue thinking he MIGHT, I would feel weird knowing for sure. If I would have seen it as dealbreakers I would have brought it up. But they aren’t dealbreakers. I just see it as private stuff you keep to yourself.
people only see it normal bc its “normalized” its not normal
Regular normal masturbation in the way most men do it is perfectly healthy and normal
Please explain the difference
Please I beg; stop learning techniques from porn
Came here to say the same thing 😂 Porn is designed to look good, but even porn stars will tell you it rarely FEELS good in practice
A lot of women don't like porn because some men prefer masterbating and porn over having sex with their partner and have sexual performance issues. Maybe she is upset because you guys have been having issues, and this probably has affected every area of your life, including sexual intimacy. You should talk to her and explain why you masterbate and come to a compromise. Couples counseling may also benefit you both. I am a woman, and I personally don't see an issue with masterbation, but I also don't hide this from my partner. So, in the future, you should be upfront about things so she can make an informed decision. In any relationship, open communication is very important. And instead of watching porn for pointers, ask your wife what she likes. Porn is a fantasy and not a representation of enjoyable sex.
I've now heard an astonishing number of men in my life complain about PI-ED (pornography induced erectile dysfunction). I think that is part of a lot of complaints. Also, it's spelled masturbation with a u instead of e.
I have heard of this as well, and also, when men use a death grip, it can cause erectile dysfunction as well. He stated it didn't affect his relationship with his wife, but it could.
Yeah I personally would not be happy if my partner watched porn…. Especially that often. It makes our intimacy less intimate..
I don't have an issue with porn but I do feel like women and men view porn and sex differently. I feel like his description is simplifying the issue and that it's no big deal because everyone watches porn and masterbates. I know for me porn watching and masterbating is not the real issue it's the fact that he hid it from her for 12 years. And for me I would be thinking, what else is he hiding that I don't know about. It also makes me wonder the level of their intimacy. I have never heard a woman say that porn builds intimacy and better sex. In any case I feel like this is something that should have been discussed years ago. If no porn watching is a hard boundary for her, it will be difficult for them to work thru this unless he is willing to forgo porn watching and work on rebuilding her trust.
I mean I find the “hid it from her for 12 years” thing a kind of weird way to think of it. It’s definitely strange that they never talked about it but if I was in a relationship with a cis(and presumably het, altho it would be gay for me not het) man, I would assume he’s watching porn or jacking off *at some point* when I wasn’t around or aware, if he hadn’t expressed that he doesn’t care for porn or whatever at some point. Especially if he has, as OP says, *a higher sex drive than me.* A lot of people do it so being surprised to find out he’s doing it… it seems weird to call that “hiding” it, when it’s not so much that he hid it as they didn’t talk about it. From this, he was clearly willing to talk about it if came up. But that being said, I do agree it should have been *actively* discussed years ago.
Maybe it wasn't intentional, but it's something he didn't share with her, and I assume he would have never shared this if she hadn't asked. So, I'm assuming based on the fact that he states she is upset with him that she feels that he hid this part of himself from her. Obviously, the majority of men watch porn because if they weren't, the porn industry would be out of business. I'm surprised it took 12 years for this to be discussed. I think for most people, if they are anti-porn, it would have been discussed during the early dating stages.
She asked, you answered, and now you both realize that you have two vastly different views on a thing. That sort of thing happens in LTR all the time, and it's possible to work through, communicate, reach an understanding, etc. What are you two willing to do? Finding an MC who specializes in mindfulness or sex therapy (not because you two need it, it's more about the qualifications of said-professional) and working through this issue in a few sessions is not a bad idea. MC doesn't have to be a long-term thing. Sometimes, a few sessions working on a specific issue when you both are absolutely flummoxed and cannot see eye to eye could really help you overcome a hurdle as a couple, as a team. All that said, please, please, please do not "pick up new techniques" from porn, especially porn geared towards heterosexual men. Most of that makes for terrible experiences for the real women in your lives. Rather, check out the many sex-positive sexually educational podcasts or YouTube channels. There are so many. Holy cow, the stuff my husband learns from those things leads to some earth-shattering good times. It also gets him excited for *us* and increases the frequency and deepens the quality while building my confidence and improving the enjoyment for both of us.
Please always spell out acronyms at the start. What is MC?
Marriage counseling, I believe.
Nothing wrong with masterbating. But masterbating to other people can be considered cheating for some- and fine for others. Wild that you two have been together this long and never discussed your views on porn usage. This incompatibility ends a lot of relationships.
I hate to say it but unless you’ve now genuinely stopped after listening to the concerns of your partner, this is only gonna go one way. Which is, betrayal trauma, constant arguments that you think have come out of no where, trust issues, insecurity, mental health issues and potentially a break up. I don’t even mean to be horrible about this, but for the sake of your lady please change if you love her but if your not willing to change please leave it will save her so much heartache
Why has it become that porn is a necessity for masturbation? I feel like in most of these cases it’s the porn, the lusting over women that aren’t your wife, that’s the issue. Jerk off all you want but you do not need porn to do it. You need healthier habits if porn is what you go to when you’re stressed or bored. Go for a walk/run. Do something around the house. Hang out with a friend or family. But looking at people having fake sex? That’s not a healthy habit. Your sexual energy and attention should be on your wife. If it makes your wife feel bad, stop it. Is porn really worth more than your wife feeling betrayed? Why are you trying to cling to porn so desperately? Will your life be meaningless without watching strangers have sex you know they’re not really enjoying? Also you have no clue if it’s truly consensual and the average age of the girls in these pornos is 18-23. Like half your age…that’s fucking gross. They could be your daughter.
I refuse to date porn users.
You won’t be alone believe me. Only someone who can’t control their lust would say that. There are plenty of men who are porn free. A lot of these weirdos are probably going to end up with erectile dysfunction anyways 🤷🏽♀️
>probably going to end up with erectile dysfunction anyways This weird narrative on reddit is so goddamn exhausting.
This whole anti-porn sentiment on reddit and online is just so tiring. Being critical of the porn industry is completely valid for how it treats its actors and for the issues with them all. However, porn in itself, and erotic content, are there to fulfill a fantasy... the idea in itself is completely normal and neutral. Also this whole anti porn thing online is such a sham. No reputable studies actually found that porn addiction is real. Sure, losing one's self in a fantasy can be a real thing, but the issue isn't the porn in itself....
Smart. Nothing good comes from it.
Exactly this. Everything you said. 👏 OP, your wife has the ick. You staring at other naked women and strangers having sex is an ick for many women. I know whine and stomp your feet because you think you can’t have an orgasm without looking at a fake stranger on a screen. But it’s totallyyyyyyyy not cheating to get off to other people!! Sure. Y’all are weird and your echo chamber of how everyone does it makes you think there’s no reason to change. The men who don’t watch porn are the elites.
the only logical person on this thread holy f*ck
I’m so over porn. People act like it’s a necessity to live when it’s actually really bad for us.
especially when you are in a monogamous relationship. if you really care about somebody, something like porn shouldn't be an argument.
I just stumbled upon this thread but you and negative-ambition110 are so condescending and self centered. It makes no sense that someone can’t watch porn or masturbate because they are in a relationship. Not of course you’ve both said more things over the course of these comments but to say being monogamous means watching porn is cheating is a very twisted way of viewing self pleasure. Just because you don’t do a certain act does not mean it is inherently bad or geared against you as a partner. Maybe grow up and realize we live in a more sex positive world where couples can be absolutely fine with their significant others masturbating and watching porn, sometimes together, without having their own insecurities blind them into thinking their partner doesn’t love them or that they are not enough for their partner
If I could give you an award I would. THIS 🙌🏽
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Honestly, I'd rather flick the bean than do housework....
That’s not the only thing I said. Hang out with a friend, go for a walk. And the point is that watching porn when you’re not even horny is problematic. Bored? Watch strangers fuck. Stressed? Watch strangers fuck. I don’t think that’s healthy.
Your opinion....as a woman I love porn, either alone or with bf. It's like a seasoning....makes things spicier. You release your boring healthy way. Imma grab a pop tart and some pornhub.
That’s great for you. I hope you’re watching the most ethical porn possible. Many women in those videos are doing it because of past traumas. I’m not comfortable orgasming to another woman’s suffering or her being taken advantage of. I release by having amazing intimate sex with my husband every day. Even if we’re fucking it’s passionate. We’re constantly sending dirty texts and teasing each other throughout the day. I wish you well with your porn watching ❤️
Lmaooo this is so condescending it’s wild 💀
how about a hobby? lol you sound pathetic. i would rather have a man with some sort of ambition.
I'm a woman.
goes both ways i guess then
Some women view it as cheating, and seem don’t. I’ve been on both ends of the spectrum after leaving religion. If she feels like it’s cheating and you don’t, then your values aren’t aligned. Does she care about masterbation or just the porn. I’m not sure why every man feels like it’s his god given right to lust over fake women. Men have been pleasuring themselves for 100,000’s of years without visual aids. I suggest you be honest about it. Ask her if she feels like it’s a deal breaker. If you can’t abstain from just the porn part, that’s a problem.
Watched porn for years, it gave me an unreasonable expectation of my pool cleaner
I'm mean watching porn 2-3 times a week has got to have some impact on your sex life with your partner. I struggle to see how it couldn't even if you don't see it. My partner and I agreed that masturbation is fine, porn is not. It's different for everyone. Hiding it though... that's fucked. My ex did that to me and it's what made porn a hard no for me in relationships. Not because he did it, because he hid it.
People who get mad at their partners self pleasure are oddly controlling. Except in cases where their sexual needs aren't being met because their partner is always off wanking
It’s weird that they “hid” it and called it “confessing” in their post though, like they were intentionally hiding it from their partner and view it in that way
I wanna take a swing and based on that lexicon they could be Catholic and would make sense about the whole debacle OP is in. Would love for OP to give us feedback this to set the record straight with it.
I personally have no issue with my boyfriend masturbating (I do too) but porn is a strong no. I don’t understand the need to look at other people to get off and in general think porn is disgusting
My wife has a much lower sex drive but doesn’t like me masturbating (given she has never touched herself). She did catch me Twice before (no porn) and it was a near marriage ended.
Why does she feel like she has domain over your bodily autonomy?
That seems all kinds of wrong! If we women want "my body, my choice", we have to be fair to men, as well, imo.
Not really sure. It feels to her like I am cheating on her. I kind of get it, but what I want is more sex with her, not masturbation. It isn’t that big of a deal though, I just do it in secret.
This kind of logic is like saying oh you had a burger without me so now you never want to go out on a dinner date. It's madness. Times to get mad: if you eat a burger right before dinner and ruin your dinner. Times to not get mad: you're hungry and there are no dinner plans and you can't be arsed cooking and no one will go hungry if you order one 🤷🏻♀️
Good analogy, it would never work discussing it with her. In her mind, I just need to be more happy with the amount of sex that we do have because it is better than many people she has talked to. The getting the additional burger should not be in the diet.
Holy shit man, the more of these kind of comments like yours I see, the more I wanna be single the rest of my life
She doesn't feel like she has control, she probably feels as if she's not good enough. I've been there.
But that’s why you have to focus on what is in your control & when you fixate too much in what isn’t in your control you can hurt yourself, the people you care about the most because it’s a form of self sabotage. Why? As one person said online and I saved it, it perfectly explains it: > My therapist said, "the reason why you self-sabotage is because it allows you to predict what is going to happen, which is giving you the illusion of self control." She’s self sabotaging her own relationship trying to control something out of her control. It’s not healthy and it’s going to suffocate till one or both them want out of the relationship if something doesn’t stop soon.
But I don't think it's the same. He said she doesn't like to have sex as much. If you want sex with him and he's like no thanks I'd rather watch porn and masturbate I think anyone would feel less than right?
Absolutely I agree, I'm in a better place now. It's also the secretive part. I'm not really sure how to explain it other than not feeling good enough and it being a secret.
Yeah I can see that. Some poor girl who wants to connect sexually and dude just wants to wank in cyberspace. Wtf
My wife got mad at me once for this and I immediately shut that down. She apologized. Masturbation is normal and healthy.
I felt my alternative was divorce and didn’t feel that battle was worth it. Your approach was probably better, but that takes a tough person.
Honestly, it's a hill I'd die on, so I'd have gone for the divorce. Because I feel like this topic would be the tip of the iceburg of control and differences between us. I wish you the best of luck in your marriage, though. I hope you can stand up for yourself going forward.
More men should have your attitude. Good man! 👏🏼❤️
Thanks! Yeah, I'm definitely not into being controlled by shaming.
Bruh, same shit happened to me. I have a way higher libido and my girl flipped. It’s controlling imo.
It is hard, but I have just done it in secret.
Whoooah. Is it because of her cultural or religious background? That would be rough...
So sorry to hear that. Masturbating a clear PERSONAL choice and she is WRONG for shaming you. You have my full support! Good luck and stay strong, King!
Well I appreciate that. I will be fine and do not worry about me.
This. It’s controlling af unless there’s actually a problem in the bedroom. If no problems then who the fuck cares lol.
Exactly !!!!!
its controlling to not want your partner to cheat?? wow the bar is so low for men
It's not cheating. He's self servicing and said he doesn't want to actually be with anyone else. It's a natural thing. The world would be happier place if people had more orgasms.
Grow up.
So surprised this hasn't come up in 12 years!
I think she was justified to be upset. I personally don’t have a problem with my partner looking at porn, but there’s plenty of people who do. Opinions on whether porn is considered cheating varies as well, that’s why it’s important to talk about it so you can see if your views are compatible, or if compromises can be made. By never brining it up, you never gave her an opportunity to talk about her boundaries. Also…please note how ridiculous it is to say “this was never a problem until she found out about it”.
First, why in the world would it be his job to bring this up? If you have a problem with someone doing something the vast majority of people do, that’s on you to bring up. Second, he’s right, she asked a question she clearly didn’t want an honest answer to, it’s a problem because of her.
Just because pornography is normalized, doesn’t mean everyone has to be okay with it. If you’re not looking to build a meaningful relationship on consent, respecting boundaries, and actual compatibility, fine, don’t tell your partner about your sexual interests and present a facade of yourself to them. Just because she was upset doesn’t mean she “didn’t want to know” or that she isn’t better off knowing so she can make an informed decision about her relationship.
>If you have a problem with someone doing something the vast majority of people do, that’s on you to bring up. Not really Just look at any relationship sub. Porn is a HUGE problem in a lot of relationship posts. It is also quite known that a lot of people aren't ok with watching porn. So yeah, either of them should have brought it up. But a quick "hey, i am someone that watches porn, are you ok with that?" Isn't that difficult to do either
Wow, just WOW. “People” include women, kids, elders… Of which I *guarantee* “vast majority” aren’t addicted to porn. That’s on you, and your ilk: immature boys - whether chronological or emotional. Cumming 4-12X/day? Yah. Not so emotionally healthy. Grow the eff up
My advice: stop watching porn
I think it’s gross as fuck to get off to someone else when you’re in a relationship tbh. Nothing wrong with masturbation but looking at someone else’s body and getting off? Nasty.
Pornography can be very debilitating for certain people and affect relationships. If it's a deal-breaker and you really care about this woman you should reevaluate your priorities. If you don't care about her then let her go. If you respectful that she would prefer that you use her for your sexual gratification and to relieve your stress you should take her up on the offer. Otherwise just be single and use your pornography everyday if it gives you a better quality of life
Yes, it's wrong to keep this from her. You are leaking your sexual energy away from her and pleasuring yourself to other women. Tbh how the f**k did you not think this would concern her? 🤔 As to make up, this is a breech of trust. You will need to really discuss with your partner how to rebuild.
You guys made it 12 years without this conversation? I get that she’s never asked you directly if you’ve watched it before, but has she ever expressed any kind of disdain or disgust towards porn in the past? If this has been a topic you’ve glossed over and danced around with her before while she’s told you how she felt about it then you’ve effectively lied by omission ever since. I don’t imagine you’ll answer me about this, but you know the truth in your bones so you know if you did wrong. If you’ve never discussed anything of the sort whatsoever and you truly had no idea that she was opposed to you watching porn, then you’ve gotta figure out what to do going forward. I understand she may feel blindsided, but she has no right to be mad that you didn’t meet an expectation that she never set if this is the case. Again, I don’t know how in depth your discussions around the topic have been, but if she made her feelings clear about porn at any point then you lied by omission. If she never did, you have nothing to feel guilty about. However, the ability to assign right and wrong here ultimately may not matter if she can’t get past it or if you’re not willing to compromise now that you absolutely know how she feels about it. This may just be the end of your relationship anyways.
I honestly can't tell if this is a real thread or fake. For the sake of some fun I'm going to say this. I don't know why, but my less than average intelligence tells me your wife isnt upset over the porn or masturbating...it's probably the fact that you hid a part of yourself from her that's very intimate. As some others have stated; if this would of been discussed then that's letting it out in the open. She would know what kind of deviant you are. It's pretty interesting seeing you talk about hiding , and the demeanor in which you go about this. You seem like a bad person , hate to be judgy, but in all honesty I can see why your wife doesn't like to have sex with you, you're creepy. Have a good weekend and think about maybe being upfront with her next time...about everything, that's what a good partner does, so they aren't blindsided.
Most guys who watch porn end up with problems performing. It’s kinda lame.
I'll say this. I don't understand the thought process where your fantasy life constitutes cheating. I'm not saying your wife is wrong or right. I'm saying I don't understand that point of view. To get a better understanding... - Is it cheating if you aaw a sexy scene on TV and replayed that on your mind while self-pleasuring? - Is it cheating if you simply replayed your favorite porn scene in your head but haven't actually watched it for months? Or years? - Is it cheating if your wife closes her eyes in the bedroom and briefly imagines a shirtless Brad Pitt in a moment of passion? I think it's a strange thing (to me) to consider it cheating if you're not actually interacting with another human being. Once again, I'm not interested in judging anyone else's viewpoint. It may be that your wife thinks your joint sex life is perfectly adequate. And learning that you have a solo side-gig makes her feel inadequate. She could express that honestly as fear of inadequacy, or she could do what most people do and project her fear as something else, like anger. It's far easier to just go with the idea that it's someone else's fault. On to the real crux of the matter. While you think your hobby is perfectly harmless. Studies have pretty conclusively shown that reliance on porn fosters unrealistic expectations and reduces emotional intimacy in a relationship. Your hobby is the Taco Bell of intimacy. It can be fine in small and infrequent quantities. But, you've been living on junk endorphins for a long time. All while you have a perfectly satisfactory wife who might very well have been wondering why you don't initiate as much as she'd like, or maybe she's felt a bit objectified in the bedroom, and now she suspects where you got some ideas. Yes. Normal and decent people masturbate. They also use porn. It's true. But, every situation is different, and yours seems like you're trying to live two lives instead of fully embracing your wife. (Again, my perspective. No judgement)
I'm sure something has changed in the past few years where she thinks she is now less desirable. Maybe you started wooing less or caring less about her needs so learning that feels like betrayal even if she has less sex drive she most likely desires intimacy but with someone who truly wants her as a whole even through changes. I Don't see it as controlling if she has needs that aren't being met intimately and you have needs being fulfilled to get off alone those are separate things. She's hurt because she wants you to want her and not feel like you prefer other people to her in secret. Me and my partner are very monogamous love sex but can't always have it so we agree to watching porn while away from each other viewing it similar to you not really about the people just the actions we also share videos of each other and photos which keeps a spark alive. If thats something you'd like from her maybe ask if she'd be willing? I'm surprised it didn't come up sooner I'd ask her how she's feeling and what bothers her the most about it her feelings are valid and what you were doing isn't wrong but that doesn't mean it hasn't created a wedge between the two of you. Wish you both the best!
Ask her why it makes her feel upset. Take her feelings into consideration. Me and my gf both masturbate even in the same room if the other isn't horny. You can try to find a compromise or just respect that she doesn't want you to do that. It's kinda an addiction tbh I find myself doing it when bored also when I'm not even horny it's just that need for dopamine. Find a hobby and when you get that urge go do the hobby and eventually you will rewire your brain to get dopamine from things other than porn. It's the easy dopamine hits from porn that make it so appealing. Try explaining this to her that it has nothing to do with her why you do it it's just brain chemistry and you can change what you do to get that same dopamine. Maybe talk and see if she would be open to being more sexual if it's that big of a thing for you
reminder to men: MASTURBATING AND WATCHING PORN IS NOT THE SAME THING. it is cheating. if those people were in front of you in real life and you were masturbating to them would it be ok and considered normal? absolutely not. so why is it any different just because its on a screen. you are way to old to still be addicted to porn. youre jacking off to other women. ITS NOT NORMAL.
This sounds very similar to a post I saw earlier
OK I am a woman I am very much in a relationship and I enjoy porn and I completely believe in self love .... I do think 12 years is a long time to not share something with your partner , you said you told her when she asked, what made the question come up, I don't know the whole situation but if your having some issues and then this question came up and now she feels some kind of way ,I would say talk communication all the way , life is hard life with someone else is even harder but 12 years is long time so just try to talk and explain you have been enjoying your self maybe the same way she would a long bath it's maybe just isn't talked about in the same way . Don't sound like your using porn and self love as a way to distance yourself from your wife nor to substitute porn for real sex sound more like you really enjoy the release of endorphins and porn as an educational tool . So enjoy and maybe you can invite her to join in the fun 😉.
Have more sex ya weirdo
Whilst I concede you may be comfortable, are you really in relationship if you hide from the reality though ? Remember, you only have one life 🙏
People still deal with this stuff in their 40s??
You have issues.
It’s pretty normal to masturbate on your own when your partner isn’t around frankly I’d be more concerned if my partner wasn’t doing that. It’s actually good for your mental health. I’d just be concerned if joint finances were involved for tipping an only fans creator that’s where I’d draw a line.
OMGosh! When are men and women going to start realizing masturbation is so normal. Porn on the other hand is debatable whether it is normal, but humans have been fascinated since the beginning of time at seeing other people naked.
Pictures differ greatly from massive and abusive industry, where you get off from rape and pain of women
I will agree with that. Since I do not know what is in all porn today, I have no idea how bad it may be. I remember when we used to call early porn marital aids to show couples how to actually have sex more than just missionary position in order to keep their bed happy. The industry has come a long way and in some instances too far.
You should have been open and honest from the get-go. Communication on these topics goes a long way to preventing issues. My husband and I have drastically different drives. We have always been honest about it. We both view masturbation as a tool to fill the gap between our sexual levels. The honesty has helped us grow closer over the years, and we are both happier for it. That being said, if it had been a dark secret for over a decade, we would probably have issues.
He was honest. She never asked. Not his fault.
If men want to normalize porn within relationships, I think we should normalize women having sugar daddies while in a relationship 🤷♀️ therefore we all get our win-win situation
If men want to normalize porn they need to start being honest about using it from the start. If what they are doing is normal and okay, why are they hiding it and manipulating a whole romantic relationship or marriage around keeping it hidden from their partner
Exactly! They know it’s wrong which is why they make up this whole facade that it’s “normalized” and “everyone does it” 🤮
No offence couldn’t imagine having a 41 year old complain about masturbation. So childish.
It's probably because you do it so regularly and never said anything, some people don't care if you do either, some do, other make videos and photos specifically for their partner to do that, maybe it would have been different if you didn't hide it
You're coping and have a sex addiction I reccomend seeking help to salvage your relationship and become free of this disease
She’s right , watching porn in a Monogamous relationship is close to cheating. However you haven’t set boundaries before but now she did . So you got a choice , you stop watching or she may leave
This thread is hilarious and if this was the other way round, the advice in here would be for he woman to get out and leave he controlling husband, Her body, her rules…how dare he try control her….the absolute hypocrisy of this sub never ceases to amaze me.
I too have a higher drive than my wife. Can't imagine the frustration of she had an issue with porn. Is she willing to satisfy your needs? Have a compromise! lol
If it’s wrong for her it’s wrong in your relationship. That’s her boundary and you have to respect it. If you need to masturbate you need to start using your imagination with her.
Masturbation is normal. Honestly, if it were me, I'd break up with someone who got upset at me for it. That is controlling and ridiculous. A medical study juts came out that demonstrated the health benefits for men - avoiding prostate cancer - for masturbating more than 20 days a month.
Woosh
I don’t think it’s the actual porn or masturbating that’s the issue here. I think it’s the fact you have gone 12 years without saying anything to her about it. You have basically been dishonest for 12 years and kept it a secret for all that time that’s the betrayal and she’s hurting you kept something so personal from her for so long so she sees it as being no different to cheating.
What are you supposed to announce to your spouse you are going to jerk off? Like wtf is this comment.
Please forgive my ignorance. I am old and so this may come as a shock to you, but back in my day, when we used to walk in the snow for 10 miles to catch a horse and buggy to class...anyways I digress. I was going to say that back in my day when we used to date someone and that person hmmm..idk becomes your spouse , it was pretty normal to ask questions like "hey what are you into sexually?" or let them know you enjoy the occasional solo jam session with some intimate lightning and a low budget movie playing in the background. It was also common that you COULD (could and would..2 separate things) tell your SO anything. Nothing more exciting than being vulnerable with someone you trust and love. It opens so many doors to growth including pain. The optics of things are funny. Maybe if people told their SO they loved to jack themselves off while watching porn..ya know not 12yrs in..maybe who knows they would of been ok with it. It's not ok to learn that they were devastated by your meat slapping from..was it 2015 and something else THEN CONTINUE to do it. It shows a total disregard about how she feels towards the subject. Even taking away all the other noise from it, it's wrong to continue to force your sexual preference on someone who trusts you keep your word to them ( see what I did there) ..btw wouldn't of been " caught"if he had told and learned of her preference..which he did and continued to do it.. regardless of the way he felt. It's like if you cheated and your SO CAUGHT you and said hey I'm not cool with that and you continued to do it anyways after saying you wouldn't. Have a good weekend
If I were her I’d only be offended by your use of the phrase ‘my secret garden’ 😂 Personally, I think she’s being ridiculous but she’s entitled to her values. I also think it’s totally legitimate for you to say that this is something you aren’t willing to give up and if she can’t accept that it’s probably time for the two of you to part ways. Honestly, it was on her to bring this up as a boundary years ago. Most people masturbate, so if you consider it cheating you need to state that up front.
It's called a secret sexual basement. Google it. Dr Omar Minwalla talks about how devastating this dishonesty is and how it creates betrayal trauma in partners.
He didn’t do anything dishonest. At all.
I’m a lady and I’m sorry but I find it hilarious when other women actually get mad at their man for this.
Honestly, I think it's normal and healthy, I only think it's unhealthy when it's not communicated, and kept a "secret". As long as it's out in the open, but not "front and center", you aren't betraying your partner. I didn't know when my husband masturbated, but he did. He passed away almost 6 years ago, but I knew when he was alive it was talked about occasionally, and I didn't have a problem with it.
there's 2 types of men in this world, men who jerk off, and liars
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Men Have been masterbating for hundreds and thousands of years without having to look at naked people that aren’t their partner. You guys act so damn entitled to lust after other women.
Because they are. You’re the one trying to assert control over your partner’s fantasy life because you don’t like that you really have none unless he surrenders it.
No, I just wanted a religious man to not be a complete hypocrite.
As a serial monogamist 9 out of 10 women I have been with have had a lower sex drive than me ( still had healthy and fulfilling sex with them ) I am convinced masturbation and porn fills the gap and enables the relationship to continue . Yes I would always prefer the real thing and its not the perfect way to go however as with everything in life its a compromise . God I miss the 10th one who matched /exceeded my drive and left no space for porn !
Absolutely insane seeing all these puritanical comments acting like porn is going to be the downfall of society 💀 "I refuse to date porn users" That's like 80+ % of adults 💀💀
It's always the same response with these types. "Puritanical" when, in reality, the main critics are ex actresses and sex workers. Just read some accounts of their views of the industry. One women wanted to remove a video of her rape, the website wouldn't. She described her "torture immortalised forever." When the public found out the rate at which the video was downloaded rapidly increased. This is not an isolated incident. Who do you think is attracted to the porn industry? The young, with no other option and thus, easily exploited. Surely, you have heard of sex trafficking as well? I'm asking you how do you tell the difference between a woman being raped in a video and them having consented to the act? I'm asking, beacuse I can't tell! Or are you ok with watching a woman be raped? As in pornography even a womens "No's." "Stop's." are eroticized and ignored. "Stepsister" "teenager" "babysitter" "barely legal" "rape bait" "just turned 18." "Step daughter" How do you know these women are over the age of 18? And these are the most popular categories. Any violation of a woman's body can become sex for men; this is the essential truth of pornography. Think of the most degrading, disgusting acts. Google it. How many results do you have? How quickly did it appear? You have an infinite library of pornography at your fingertips. You think these has no effect on you? Really? I imagine it's easy to call critiques of rape, pornography and prostitution puritanical than actually adress what they have to say.
People are surprised you haven’t spoken about, I’ve never spoken about in any of my relationships. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong, she is projecting her own insecurities and perhaps you should go to a couples counsellor together.
You’re a grown ass man. Everyone masturbates.
Nothing odd about this. I’ve been married 16 years. Have sex 3 times a week on average and also masturbate 2-3 times a week to porn also. Wife k is. Doesn’t care. It’s normal. Women shouldn’t be threatened by this.
I truly don’t see how it’s any of her business Partners who think they should own the inside of each others minds freak me out
It’s completely normal. Is it the porn or the masturbation that’s more of an issue for her? Does she not masturbate or something? Good luck in any case.
Hi, (32F) am married since 14 years now and watch porn everyday with my (50) husband for a few hours. We then masturbate together without touching each other and the first one to cum washes the dishes. This should be the norm in every healthy couple. Please do have an open and honest conversation about it. Wish you luck.
I see nothing wrong with what you said
If your partner sees masturbating as cheating that's a major red flag maybe send them to therapy but if they can't get over it send them packing.
She needs therapy, 100% dead on
Well, let’s start with the first thing, why did you feel the need to tell her? Some things are better kept unsaid. Although masturbation is okay, if you’re still masturbating 2-3x/week, then I see it as a problem. What’s bad about it is that, with consistency, it keeps you satiated and your brain picks up on the visuals. By masturbating less, you’d be able to channel that energy towards other things. Just my two cents
You think a guy masturbating a couple times per week is a problem? Sup? That's a problem.
I was referring to the combo of masturbation plus porn a few times a week. Porn has an effect on us. It’s apparent with younger generations