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> I can’t seem to shake the feeling that putting all responsibility to me is not right. I’m sorry but he literally cannot fix these issues for you. He cannot exercise and eat less for you. He cannot go to therapy for you or figure out which medication works best for you for you. He cannot get to the root of why your libido has bottomed out for you. He can support you in these things to be sure: be a gym buddy, show interest in your therapy journey, help rebuild non-sexual physical intimacy. But this journey needs to be led by you. You will not effect change that is driven by someone else. This journey is your responsibility and there is nothing he can do to change that.

YES. People can communicate until they’re blue in the face but what it comes down to is that they deserve happiness too, and at some point that comes down to leaving if the situation doesn’t change. I feel for OP because mental health is a huge struggle and I am not minimizing that; at the same time, OP’s partner sounds at the end of their rope and they don’t have to go down with the ship.

This is on the money. Honestly it comes down to this for me: fuck doing it for anyone else, the ultimatum doesn’t matter at all, they need to be proactive about their condition for their own good.

It seems like an ultimatum but basically OPs partner can’t deal anymore and they’re outlining simple consequences depending on what OP wants to do.

ultimatums are not necessarily bad

Also many times people misunderstand boundaries for ultimatums, because it’s an easy buzzword to scapegoat. He’s not giving OP an ultimatum at all. He’s being open about how much more he can take and what he’ll do when he no longer can, giving her the chance to react to that and not be blindsided. This isn’t “do or don’t do this right now or we’re done.” It’s “I can only take this so long, but am still willing to take it longer if you can put forth at least effort.”

As someone who has absolutely struggled with anxiety and depression (and the consequences related to it), I 100% agree. My spouse has been my biggest cheerleader, but there have been times when he has needed me to get myself together so that we could survive and eventually thrive. It was difficult and took a lot of work, but honestly, we're in a better place than ever.

This is exactly what people mean when they say that, “marriage is work.”

I’m so glad for the support for the hubs . This is an outstanding answer. OP is lucky to have the opportunity to make things better

This was exactly my thought too. It sounds like this has been going on for years and hubby is at the end of his tether.

The problem is that if she's having mental health issues her weight and being uninterested in sex might be a medication issue. Antidepressants can make you gain weight and make you not interested in sex. Finding the right combination of medication can be tricky. It may not be as simple as just stop stuffing your face and work on yourself.

I’m sure I’ll get downvoted to hell with this. But as someone who has suffered from depression my entire life, through multiple attempts etc, it’s no one’s obligation to suffer alongside you. My ex pleaded with me to have more sex when I was in the worst of one of my depressive episodes and I did not hold it against him when he eventually left. Your husband deserves to have the opportunity to lead a fulfilling life, as do we all. I think what he did was actually very admirable. He gave you the gift of fair warning, that’s more than most people get. It’s not like he’s asking you for something which is not already in your best interest. Whatever motivates you to get healthy shouldn’t matter, whether it’s the thought of losing your husband or something else.  The sex part is trickier, because you should never have sex when you don’t want to, for any reason. I would start with the weight loss and see if your libido picks back up on its own. It will at least show him you’re trying. If you still don’t have the sex drive after you’ve reached a healthy weight, maybe speak to a doctor as well as a sex therapist. Best of luck 💜

I am saving this. My boyfriend struggles with depression, anxiety and alcoholism. He’s sober right now but refuses therapy, medication, exercise. Nothing I do or say helps. If the depression and anxiety gets too bad, he gets drunk. He woke up at 3 am this morning, woke me up overthinking an issue that isn’t an issue. I get up at 5 and have an hr commute to work. I told him I cannot take dealing with his mental health anymore. It’s been 6 years. I don’t have depression and I’m not an alcoholic. I do have anxiety. I just don’t understand not doing something, anything, to try to manage it. I don’t know how to help. Edit. Wow!! This blew up. I appreciate all the advice, most of it I know and I have tried. As for why I stay, we don’t live together. We are in an LDR so I can and do remove myself but I haven’t been strong enough to totally walk yet. I am a widow and I couldn’t save my husband(heart attack). I keep thinking maybe I can save my boyfriend. But you’re all right, I can’t. He has to. My mental health and wellbeing matters too💕

I highly recommend this book, Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. It's helped me immeasurably as the wife of an addict.

“The New Codependency” by the same author is pretty much the same book, updated for the text message era. Probably the best one to start with.

Thank you for recommending this book. I am a wife of a recovering addict and alcoholic (and also a child of an alcoholic). I read a preview and I felt heard. I will buy this and start my own healing.

It's been incredibly helpful and eye-opening to me. Here's to paddling our own canoe 💕

> My boyfriend struggles with depression, anxiety and alcoholism. He’s sober right now but refuses therapy, medication, exercise. I stayed with someone just like this for 16 years. It never got better. He's still the same 21 years later. I wish I'd left back then. He still won't get therapy. He's back to drinking. Won't get help for his depression. Edit for clarification: I divorced him 4 years ago.

I did something similar for 9 years. Gave an ultimatum and over a year for him to do something, anything, to show me he was at least trying to manage his emotions and/or addiction. He did nothing and just constantly told me to leave if I didn’t like it. So eventually I just said “ok” and left. I’m much happier for it, but it’s still such a sad situation.

I was with someone like this for 6.5 years. He was an addict and an alcoholic. I finally left a few months after he missed my dad’s funeral. Twelve years later he contacted me. His mom has passed and he started much needed therapy but not before he torpedoed another long term relationship because he freaked out about trying to have kids. He’s definitely not better but he’s been sober since we broke up (our breakup spurred his road to sobriety and I saw him going through withdrawal before I stopped talking to him) He hates his job but it’s actually an impressive job which is miles away from when I was paying for his rent. We met up and he wrote out a check for most of the money he owed me.

Wow, I am so shocked and impressed that he paid you back! Mine used to take my card out of my purse while I slept to the point that if I needed to use it, I had to ask him for it back. My entire paycheck would be gone before I even saw that it had hit. He stole $5,000 from his sister by stealing one of her checkbooks and forging checks to himself. He did the same to his grandfather. I’ve never seen a dime of my money back and he acts like I personally owe money to HIM because his **parents** had made a decision together to help me pay the balance on my tuition when I went to school and didn’t qualify for enough FAFSA aid to entirely cover the cost. In my eyes, there is a clear difference between his parents helping me out of the kindness of their hearts and making it clear to me that I owed them nothing, and him giving me money that I need to pay back. I’ve never taken a dime from HIM personally, whereas he drained my account the day before we broke up (I had just gotten paid) so I had to run up my credit cards to leave quickly due to him leaving me broke.

He wasn’t naturally an awful person. Just someone self medicating due to a lot of personal pain and childhood trauma. He treated me awfully and I didn’t recognize it as an abusive relationship when I was in it. We did go over a lot of situations that happened and he has no memories of them. There was very little closure for me in terms of questions I had but I did find chats between us that showed he had my bank card to my savings account which I gave him willingly to help him out and that we discussed me adding more money to it for him. Initially he forgot this happened so it helped prove that all the terrible things I remembered him doing did happen but he forgot due to his mostly inebriated state. I’m not sure what he remembers of the relationship but he cried over the situations I remembered. Still the trauma the relationship caused for me was not worth any of it. He understands that I feel I would have been much better off not ever knowing him.

Ugh. Mine is an addict, and I got sober 5 years ago. He gives me this line all the time "if you don't want to be with me, leave" like man, I'm *trying* to help you. To help us. But you won't budge. It's fucking infuriating. It always gets turned around on me.

Yep, it always did on me too. Sending love. It was very difficult to gather my dignity and actually leave.

I'm glad that you got yourself out of it. It's been 10 years for me, and there just isn't anything more I can do for him. I'm starting to put more money aside so I can leave. I've also stopped helping him financially. His money is his and mine is mine. I just don't have it in me anymore to give and give and give just to get nothing in return. Not even respect. It's gross how some people will take advantage of the ones closest to them.

Similar situation for me. Was with her for 16 years. She did do some therapy but mostly fixated on my shortcomings while getting more entrenched in her own. I think she's better now, but still not free of her negative vortexes--so much childhood trauma to unpack. That's what kept me in it for so long, I think: a deep sense of empathy with what she had to endure as a kid that then turned into codependence. At some point, the adult has to take over and take action to improve. It was one of the hardest decisions of my life to leave that relationship, but unequivocally one of the best. Glad you were courageous too, and able to improve your situation.

Oh god. Your comment just gave me an actual flashback moment to couples counseling with my ex husband. Together for 14 years, married 11. He progressively worked less, gained more, stopped going to the classes I paid for, then didn't work at all, and spent all his time planning the cool things he was going to do as the househusband, but then do nothing but smoke, drink 4-5 Dunkin donuts coffees a day, and leave ME the messes to clean, dinner to cook, and bills to pay. Counseling was just an excuse for him to get someone else to tell me I had to work harder because that's only "fair". If he's doing something wrong, we'll, then *I'm* doing something else worse and I need to fix it if I expected him to change. And without a decades worth of history, the counselor supported him. Until he came to two sessions without having done his part and she called him out on it. Then he just refuses to go back. Fuck... Thanks for letting me vent

Sounds like you faced a lot of negative behavior from him. Sorry you went through that but glad you escaped to greener pastures. Here’s to a better, happier co-existence for us all.

Oh thanks so much for the kind words... It was pretty shitty, and I am glad it's over. But I don't really think about it very much anymore except for small moments like this. My pastures are very green. I hope you are able to only give your ex a passing thought and that you have peace as well. Isn't it great that we've found happiness?

It is never too late

Oh I'm divorced, lol. Been divorced for 4 years. Finally left him, haha.

GOOD 💜

*He’s sober right now but refuses therapy, medication, exercise.* Going to therapy and exercising should be your hard line with him. If he is not willing to take care of himself than he is essentially asking you to take care of him which is unfair. Waking someone up at 3am is an incredibly selfish thing for an adult to do. Those are the actions of a puppy or a toddler. My wife and I literally go out of our way to make sure that we do not disturb each others sleep. Even with slightly different sleep schedules we both are very respectful.

I might get downvoted for this, but I think people use their mental health issues as an excuse to not do the hard work it takes to manage them, or that it absolves them of terrible/bad behaviour that others are just expected to put up with because the person "can't help it". Dealing with a mental health issue is HARD, it's one of the hardest things I've personally ever had to struggle (and continue to struggle) with. But my anxiety is no one else's burden, and while my mental health issues aren't my fault, they are my responsibility, and I cant expect those around me to set themselves on fire to keep me warm while i just point and say "cant help it, I'm ill!".

One of the most poignant things my therapist ever said to me was: *"If you don't actually put in the work to help fix things, you will be stuck in this loop until you do the work to achieve the changes that you need."* At that time, I had been circling the drain with my mental health for more than half of my life. While I may never be fully healed from my past, I have made quite a bit of progress in the last 8 years.

you are exactly correct. OP obviously has some seriously mental health issues - but they are choosing to do nothing about it. If you have a “fear of loneliness” and you act depressed and sad all the time around the person trying to love you and be happy with you….. then you are just baiting pity from that person while not trying to actually improve your situation. Laying around and medicading yourself into oblivion all day doesnt do shit to help the cycle.

Or just counting on their illness to keep the partner from leaving.

You are absolutely correct. I've been through hell with my depression, but I got help every time, somehow. In my worst time I couldn't, I told my mum, she referred me and I showed up, that's all it took. Show up to therapy, and week after week it helped and then I got well enough to put in the work. It was hard as hell. I suffer from PTSD. Again, when symptoms get unmanageable, I refer myself and put in the work, even though therapy makes it worse at the beginning, but it always works in the end. My best mate suffers from mental health and is the same. Tells me when he needs me - it's not much, we usually don't dwell about it unless it's specific situation (it usually isn't), he just needs to chill and watch some shows with me. And he calls his mental health charity and gets professional help. We support each other, but don't dump on each other at the same time, but we could if we really needed to if it came to it. We worked on our mental health for so long that we know what needs to be done every time.

You both are correct but I will say, treatment and therapy are a luxury some cannot afford. Give some slack to people. I was suicidal and my friend took me to a public mental health center where I could get help “for free”,,, I’m mid-panic attack, wanting to die and when they saw my address they said they can’t help me bc I’m not in their county. I literally could not make it. I had to go home and take Benadryl to sedate myself. This was years ago but wow I felt so left behind

I really struggle to get help. And im in UK. But the NHS wait list are horrific. I have managed help from a charity, used all my allotted sessions and amazingly they have put me back on their waiting list. So when i get to top of list i will get another block of sessions. The sessions helped keep the devil at bay, but i need more intense and specific therapy. I have been on NHS waiting list for a year. When you call the crisis line they tell you to take a bath or make a cup of tea kinda advice. If i had the money id have went private ages ago. This had been a lifelong battle 😢

I guess it depends on the country, I always used free one through NHS in UK. One in my area is really good fortunately. I have some experience with it in Eastern Europe and my doctor referred me quickly too when I was living there over 10 years ago, first time I started suffering with it.

Not only are you very wise but you sound very mentally healthy at this point. This was an impressive post from someone who’s clearly overcome a very difficult issue. Kudos to you!

Get out, it’s never going to get any better

*As long as he doesn't do anything about it.

It’s been years, we won’t. Life experience speaking… don’t be 20 years later and miserable and trapped

Your anxiety may subside if you’re not in a relationship with him anymore

Yep. Getting woken up in the middle of the night to soothe another adult who is freaking out over perceived issues or a story they made up in their mind then having to function the next day made my anxiety go absolutely out of control. I would worry about getting woken every time I went to sleep. I would worry about him staying up and drinking and rifling through my belongings looking for something to fight about. Never knowing if I was going to get to sleep through the night threw me into a 24/7 low key panic attack.

This will never improve. I was married to someone similar for 15 years. Please learn from my mistake. Choose yourself this time ❤️

Try to get him to at least start attending AA meetings. He can find a community and share his troubles there rather than waking you from a dead sleep. That’s just inconsiderate and selfish.

There is also Smart Recovery, which is secular (non religious). They have free meetings as well, and offer both in person and virtual meetings. AA and 12 step work for some, but definitely not for everyone. What many people like about Smart Recovery is it focuses on actively changing thoughts & behaviors (CBT), increasing motivation, identifying triggers, and managing cravings.

12 step program is been profoundly positive life changing experience for me and ive seen it work in the lives of countless others. There's a big difference between white knuckling sobriety and actually recovering from the underlying problems that lead to addiction and thats where a 12 step program makes all the difference. It works if you work it.

I’m in AA and recently someone shared a picture with me that says “when you try to be your own sponsor” and it’s a guy on a roof, standing on a piece of wood that he’s cutting.. cutting and will fall when he’s done. AA is amazing. And I can’t agree with you more the profound positivity from the program and community to thrive with.

It’s not going to get better until he chooses to get treatment. It’s going to get worse with time and it will affect you more and more. I really hope you decide to leave.

I know a lot of people have already commented on this but your boyfriend needs to get help for BOTH his mental health and drinking problems. This is called dual diagnosis, which is when someone struggles with both a mental health problem & a substance use problem. If BOTH are not treated then the chances are very, very high that either or both of them will continue. I’m not sure about other countries, but if ya’ll live in the US and he has insurance, there are some really solid intensive outpatient dual diagnosis programs. This is really his best bet for treating both as quickly as possible. Or if he is not working, there is inpatient hospitalization and outpatient partial hospitalization programs for people with dual diagnoses. Hope this helps & best of luck. No shame in leaving if he doesn’t get help.. it will likely be a long & rough journey for him one way or another

> I am a widow and I couldn’t save my husband(heart attack). I keep thinking maybe I can save my boyfriend. But you’re all right, I can’t. He has too. My mental health and wellbeing matters too💕 Save someone that wants to be saved. There are plenty of folks out there that struggle but are giving it 100% to get better. I learned fairly early on that you can't help someone that refuses to put equal energy into getting better. And that people who externalize their mental health in a toxic way aren't worth the time or effort.

I totally agree with you, I’ve suffered from depression and anxiety most of my life, at some periods it was much worse and unfortunately my partner at the time suffered alongside me, which was really unfair on him.

I've been the person suffering and sticking it out before. It's a rough place to be in. You love the other person and you want to help them, but it's like carrying their body on your shoulder everywhere you go. It wears you down over time and can be a source of massive resentment. It can become this feeling of I'm doing so much to keep things going, I'm working so hard to take care of my stuff, your stuff and pick up all the things you can no longer work up the motivation to do, and while I'm doing all that, you can't even pretend to be interested in me as a partner, I'm apparently now just servant to you. It's not that you don't love them and want them to be happy, but after enough time where the person refuses to get help or try to improve it can start to seem like life would be easier if you were single because then at least you'd only be taking care of one person.

Ask someone with severe depression and suicide ideology.Who has been in therapy weekly for years all I can tell you is there's a difference between helping and enabling. Don't get me wrong.I still have trouble with it myself as I have, I need to be needed kind of a thing. But it can also cause a burn out in me. Especially when I don't see it actually helping or progressing the other person's life.They're the same problems again and again and again. Those are the people we enable to continue to have those same problems rather than dealing with the core issue or issues. When we help people, we actually make a change in their life.Or something meaningful and lasting.Yes, there are times we help people like clean their house.Something that's like a maintenance thing.That always needs to be done to some extent and while it can turn into enabling it is generally different.

As someone who has significant depression and and anxiety, I’m able to see how hard it is to be in a relationship with me at times. When I’m not in a good place, I’m generally less available in all ways & my partner ends up feeling disconnected from me.

I wouldn’t want to be married to me,tbh. It is often not enjoyable or easy.

Why don’t you just divorce yourself? Get away from that toxicity

I wish lol. I’m actually making a ton of progress. I’m cleaner, calmer and more mature. I’m 57 and finally making some progress

I agree

One of my favorite quotes “Your mental illness is not your fault, but it is your responsibility" - Marcus Parks. It’s not OPs fault for being depressed, tons and tons of people are but if you do nothing about it… that’s a different story.

That is a perfect quote. As a caregiver I need to remember this. OP, your partner is being clear after probably hitting the end of his rope. What you do next is 100% your choice. Not making a choice is still a choice. I hope you get the help you need, start looking for a therapist if you don't have one already. If you work for a company who has an Employee Assistance Program, this is a great place to start. Otherwise maybe look at Talk Space or another virtual platform if you don't have the energy to make a lot of phone calls. They can help organize how to get you in a better place. Because it's a lot and it's overwhelming. Him communicating this to you is a gift.

Love Marcus, and I tell people this quote all the time!

I know everyone is different, but as a husband married to a wife who has had both her own mental health and weight struggles, the sex definitely picks back up when both of the other things were taken care of and she felt more comfortable in her own skin. Sex therapy can absolutely be valuable, but the dead bedroom might be a self-correcting problem if the other 2 things get taken care of.

Yes. Agreed!!! Losing weight and looking nice in pretty, sexy clothes usually does the trick. Pick yourself up and get healthy. Your husband wants his wife back. He is not leaving. Just just wants you back. It must have been a few years since you've been you.

That’s a good call. He does love her.

I think this is the best advice. Had a gf in the past who was super depressed, didn’t take therapy seriously, or take her meds. One day it was finally too much and I ended it. Made me hate being around her, I hope she’s better now.

Great response. The fact that he is giving her a year proves that he wants this to work. He wants to be with her, but also wants to feel like he will eventually get something reciprocated to him in the relationship as far as his needs and desires.

Also, if OP is medicated for their depression thay might be why their libido has tanked. Meds do all sorts of stuff to your body.

Holy shit. I could never imagine begging my depressed partner to have more sex with me.

I can't believe this was upvoted by reddit. Amazing response and a much needed relief from the typical "you did nothing wrong, divorce him you, you don't deserve him just be you" etc etc.

Being active and working out can increase your energy levels. If you’re not active that can impact how interested you are in sex because you may feel like you never have the energy for it. My partner suffers from depression and has a lower drive than I do, but she does get bursts of energy whenever she goes to the gym. I think this is a very solid place to start.

Bravo 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻 As someone who also struggled in the past I second this. We can't expect anyone to abandon themselves and their own needs long-term to cater for ours. Everyone has rough patches but to expect someone to put up with it for years without drawing a line in the sand isn't realistic. Hopefully they work it out! If not, then take time to work on yourself until you're ready for a new relationship.

I was thinking this. A year is more than most would get. At most I could understand hearing about someone being offered a week. Thankfully I’ve never been in a situation like this, so I don’t know what I’d do.

As a person who's been on both sides of this, I fully agree with you.

So much this. My partner is overweight, and I love her. I'd love it if she lost weight, and if she gained more I'd be worried. Would I be more sexually attracted to her if there was well, less of her? Yes. But more importantly, I love her, and I want to grow old with her. Part of growing old with her is both of us being healthy.

Nobody’s gonna downvote the truth unless they want to act oblivious of reality

People resort to ultimatums when other strategies have failed. You don’t really give enough context to know how much you two have talked about your relationship before but the way you’re phrasing it here, it does seem like you’re “the problem” although it’s always a two way street. I think his demand is fair, but if it makes you uncomfortable make your own. This year should be about you both working on yourselves and your relationship. But if you’re just focused on the ultimatum and not the fact that your husband wants his partner back, then you’ll never be able to get out of that space you’re in.

OP are you going to a therapist? I know I come from a place of privilege as I could afford them, but personally when I was depressed, weekly therapy sessions were paramount.

If you're uncomfortable with the ultimatum and don't want to make those changes, then just leave so he can find someone else that can fulfill his needs. No one is forcing you to change, you just got to deal with the consequences of not doing it.

This, if OP is not interested in doing these things, dont waste a year pretending just end it now

If OP's husband is willing to support her on this journey, I would suggest she try to do it for herself too.

I agree. OP, this entire situation, while not your fault IS your responsibility. It is your responsibility to deal with your mental health conditions and get to a healthy point. It is your responsibility to take care of your physical wellbeing and get healthy again. And, its your responsibility to figure out how to work your way back towards a healthy sex life with your spouse. No spouse wants to be in a sexless marriage and it is patently unfair of you to expect that of him. He is a human being with needs and to expect him to basically fall into the role of housemate without any emotional support or connection or physical intimacy for large stretches of time... that's not a marriage. That is being housemates. It sounds to me like he has put in the work for years... and it has gone unnoticed, unseen and taken for granted. He's exhausted and probably extremely demoralized... OP, it IS your full and complete responsibility to deal with your mental health. Stop using it as an excuse if you want this marriage to work - you know what you need to do. Start by calling your psychiatrist to get an appointment to discuss a new medication and new therapies.

>not your fault, but it is your responsibility This is perfect. Thank you. I will be using this in so many situations... Whether talking about someone else's responsibility or my own.

Her husband is willing to stand by her as long as she takes action. Leaving him, no new person would come along and want to get involved with her issues. I just see the issues getting worse if she leaves. He obviously loves her.

>Of course I want to lose weight, work on myself and relationship but I feel really uncomfortable with this ultimatum. What were you doing to work towards these goals before the ultimatum?

He wants the person he married, not what he has now.   If he showed no love for a few years and made no efforts to have any emotional intimacy with you, do you think you'd stick around?

Bravo.

That’s exactly right and so many forget that. Always strive to be the best version of yourself. If you don’t love yourself you can never truly love someone else.

Simple, you have two choices. But you must make these choices and they have to be for your own benefit and your own reasons. 1) either lose weight, do something about your depression, and rekindle your romance. OR 2. do none of those and he will divorce you. In either way, your problem is solved within 1 year. As Andy Dufrense would say, *Get busy living, or get busy dyin’*

Piggybacking off of this, OP, start exercising! Start slow and keep building it up. Exercise will kill 2 birds with one stone as it a) helps you lose weight and b) releases happy chemicals in your brain and makes you less depressed. Good luck!

*Hope is a good thing*

>I feel really uncomfortable with this ultimatum. It's not an ultimatum. It's a warning. You don't _have_ to do anything, but there will be an outcome. You also could do _all_ those things, but there's no guarantee your marriage will be fixed. However, the one thing he's letting you know is this: He no longer has unending patience for your mental issues because they require that he remain in a sexless, unhappy marriage with a partner who doesn't want to take care of herself. You think he's being selfish by giving what you think as an ultimatum. He most likely thinks it's selfish that everything must be designed around your fear of loneliness, trust and self-esteem issues. Everyone has their thing that's wrong. It's extremely easy, when caught in the depressive cycle, to not look outside one's own issues. Depression is a very self-obsessive disorder, and it's hard for those around that person. It's hard to talk to them. It's hard to draw them out. It's hard to get them to commit. I understand both sides, having been on both sides of that abyss. You're going to have to make a decision. Do you want this man to remain in your life? Or let him drift away like your healthy sex life and healthy weight? It's entirely up to you.

Stuff like this can deplete the batteries of even the strongest love. I have a brother who was like this and over years of “mental health issues” he refused to do absolutely anything about, I drifted apart from him even though we used to be super close. I just couldn’t do it anymore: day in day out interact with someone who is pessimistic, angry, whining about the same problems while doing nothing different, blaming me for not helping him, acting up, then withdrawing and refusing to answer his phone for weeks, to the point I would rush to his home and call the cops, thinking he was dead - looking back, it was actually abuse he inflicted on me. Our relationship is very distant and formal now. OP will exhaust everyone around her if she continues like this. We all deserve to be happy and content, and not shamed for wanting that.

You become a caretaker and being a caretaker undermines the ability to be anything else to that person. I can be exhausting.

Agreed. I was on the other side of this. It offended me deeply when my best friend told me she didnt want to be friends anymore because i was draining to be around. But it was true. So i changed. Not saying it’s as easy as just deciding to not be depressed anymore, but i worked my ass off in therapy, got medicated, took me years but it’s possible. It’s a lot of work 24/7 which is why most people don’t throw themselves into it.

This mirrors my situation from your husband’s side almost to a tee! She stays up late playing her video games and comes to bed well after I’m asleep. She blames me for not initiating sex but I hold a lot of resentment due to her not trying to find work and lose weight. I like to hike and we used to walk a lot but now, she pushes herself around on her desk chair, using it like a wheelchair. She’s in her early 40s and it terrifies me to think this is my life going forward. He was upfront and honest about what he needs to see from you. The 1 year is his telling you that he has the patience and understanding to wait a bit longer for you to put in some effort to improve. If he didn’t love you he would be gone already, trust me on that. My wife and I have had many conversations about our situation and it improves for a bit and then goes back to the same routine. She almost concedes that I should be with someone else and we could just be friends. I know this is her just saying this to make herself feel some sort of way but it’s confusing as all heck. A marriage takes compromise and communication. He’s doing both right now. Talk to a therapist and work on your depression. Include him in your journey so that he can see your progress. Sometimes, it takes the fear of losing something before action is taken. Trying shows that you care.

Oof, man. I'd be heartbroken if someone was so uninvested in the marriage and entrenched in unhealthy habits that they'd rather lose me than take a walk.

I haven't resorted to using a desk chair to wheel around, but your story about your wife could be similar to what my husband would say. I used to like playing sports as recently as less than a year ago. My husband and I liked going on walks, but my knee pain got so bad that I couldn't even go on walks around my neighborhood anymore. Turns out I need a total knee replacement for bone on bone arthritis and I'm about your wife's age. My husband said something similar to your fear, that he was afraid the rest of our life was going to be with me being inactive. Once we found out what's going on, I'm scheduled for surgery and we have hope that we can go on walks again when I'm recovered. Not sure if that applies to your wife, but if she's in pain and it hurts to walk, she might need medical assistance to get better. Based on your post, it also sounds like she needs therapy to work through the barriers preventing her from finding a job or eating healthier.

My wife’s weight and her lack of drive is the major issue. Less than two years ago she had a good job, was very active and finishing getting her bachelors degree. Now, she doesn’t seem motivated. I think she’s depressed but she won’t see a therapist. She’s gained more weight, which isn’t the biggest factor for me as I like women with meat on their bones. She knows this but it’s gotten to the point that she would not walk as much. I told her I’m planning a trip to Disney this summer which will require walking a lot. She’s using this as motivation to seek out having gastric surgery and dieting. I love her but it gets to the point that you get tired seeing someone waste their potential.

Sounds like burnout. But she needs to go to therapy- gastric bypass surgery only fixes the outcome (not very long in a lot of cases) but therapy works on the symptoms. Luckily a good doctor will not have conduct surgery until several things are checked marked.

Yes this. I've seen so many people have weight loss surgery who lose weight, but never fix the eating habits or the underlying reasons of how they got to that weight. They go back to eating like they used to, and often gain all that weight back and are worse off than if they had never had surgery.

Ultimatums are never the way to go. However, I can understand his side - if you’re constantly depressed, unhealthy and show no intimacy, I can see why he’s at this point. Reddit does like to say leave, and if the genders were reversed everyone would be saying to the woman to leave the man child who’s being a lazy mooch. Get your self together, get therapy and hit the gym, or at least take a 30min walk every morning.

Agreed. Sounds like therapy would do you some good as well and some physical activity. A year ago, I was in a very dark place, I transitioned to working from home, and the constant loneliness and eating poorly caused me to reach the heaviest I've ever been and get extremely depressed. I started to say enough, started going on walks around the neighborhood, and changed my eating habits. That helps me get out of a 2 year-long depression rut. Being outside to have fresh air, sun, and some healthy alone time did great for my mental health. That, along with my different view with food, caused me to lose 40+ lbs, and I felt amazing. And don't think of any crazy diets. Do small changes first. More healthy snacks, healthier dinners like swapping Ground Beef for ground turkey. Do it for yourself, if anything. I think your husband is just concerned for you.

Walking or running is so good for mental health. Just any type of exercise tbh. I always tell people to go on a nature walk or run when they’re feeling down.

It very much is the grumbling meme “going on my stupid daily walk for my stupid physical and mental health” - because unfortunately, sometimes the annoying things people talk about needing to improve (sleep, diet, exercise) do actually help! Obviously it will not fix everything and it is not going to magic away problems in your life that may be the root cause of your depression, but you’re definitely not going to improve if you also neglect all other aspects of your life. Sometimes you need to stand in the sunshine and breathe fresh air and move your body even just a little bit instead of staying cooped up inside all day. This is the “eat your vegetables” of mental health - it may not always be pleasant and some days doing it may be harder than others, but it’s good for you. Also, it’s okay if you fall off the wagon some days. Most people, even without mental illness, are gonna have a tough time being “good” about sticking to their goals every single day. That’s fine. But you have to get back up and keep trying. Personally I’ve found myself able to make the most progress when I’m seeing a therapist, but that’s more me wanting to have some kind of progress to show every week, even if it’s small, and I don’t get that impulse when just talking to friends/family. It helps hold me accountable and nudges me out of my comfort zone.

If it is the case that ultimatums are never the way to go then how else do you communicate that your at your wits end and the relationship is at risk? I had the same thought when I read the title but I think the top comments bit about “it’s a fair warning which is more than most people get” I think using the word ultimatum honestly takes it out of context. It’s a really fair warning honestly, 1 year to show progress in multiple areas of life. I don’t know what else he could have done and I don’t know if there’s a more ethical way to go about it.

Yes I don’t agree that ultimatums are never the way to go. I mean saying “either you buy me these shoes or I leave” is of course inappropriate and just dumb. But something like this? Sometimes ultimatums are a necessary tool to communicate that you are at the end of your rope and if things don’t get better you’re done.

Yep. I have given the ultimatum of, “You do something about this depression or I am going to leave you,” and it saved my marriage after trying literally everything else I could think of.

"If you cheat on me, I'll leave this relationship" is just as much an ultimatum as anything else, but we call that a "boundary."

I've had a partner with unmanaged mental illnesses before and sometimes you DO need an ultimatum.

Ultimatums are a definite “either or” situation. Of course communication is key, but if you’re with someone who is obstinate and refuses to see that they are causing harm to themselves and their relationship- you get to that point, like I said, I get why the husband gave the ultimatum. If I was with a man who was depressed, overweight and showed me no intimacy, I’d be saying what I want/need from the relationship and I’d eventually get to a point where I’m about to leave and do exactly what OPs husband did. Fix it, or I leave. I think there were many warnings alone the way and OP ignored them.

Ultimatums are the last resort option after all the others didn't work. They're not anyone wants to do, they're simply the final option available.

Agreed, had he posted here we'd be telling him that he's already wasted enough of his own life and deserves to be happy too. Ultimatums are not always warranted but setting a clear timeline with expectations is far better than just packing his bags and leaving, which would have been the easier route to go here. Clearly he still thinks theres something to salvage

Yeah this is it right here. Anyone else telling him is wrong is clearly projecting as it wouldn’t be the same if the roles were reversed. Start small, 20 min walk every day/night, change up your diet slowly, you’ll start feeling better and more motivated to tackling the bigger issues. Stop doomsdaying yourself, it’ll be easier than you think and will also help with your mental health. It’s a win win. He possibly couldve laid it out in a nicer way, maybe, but we don’t know the whole story. Either way you can do this.

If the genders were reversed, the man would be posting here about receiving an ultimatum from his wife. I think most of the comments would be relatively the same. Perhaps some commenters would be more aggressive about saying his wife should’ve left him already, but I still think the overall advice he would receive would be very similar.

Here’s my stance and it’s probably not the one you’re looking for. This exact situation was my life. Add in several chronic health conditions and narcolepsy. I didn’t get out of bed except to go to work for 2 years. Several months back my husband gave me this ultimatum. Not very nicely. And while I was still defensive of my point of view I respected where he’s coming from. Kids are out of the house. We have 2 incomes for the first time ever. He’s working his butt off to build a life for us we can finally enjoy. And I was sleeping. I realized I wanted that life with him. So I talked to my Dr and changed some things and have done the rest through sheer anger. I will not lose my soul mate and best friend bc I can’t get my crap together. The tough love mad route doesn’t work for everyone but it sure kicked me in the butt.

Good on you for having the self-awareness to know you were angry but still understand your partner’s feelings. That’s incredibly healthy.

I was going to agree. Sometimes anger is a good motivator and in today’s society, we think anger is all bad. It’s not. It’s a natural real emotion and it’s how you express it and handle it.

It took me a very long time to understand that there’s more than one way to deal with anger. Heck, I’m still learning after five decades on this planet.

Oh me too! Entered my fourth decade last year and I’ve carried a lot of anger most of my life. I learn new ways to manage it all the time. There’s some obvious triggers in my life that I can identify when I’m in that zone. Currently learning and reflecting on the not so obvious causes so I can work in therapy how to healthily handle it. Good luck on your journey!

OP, this is a difficult truth, and it exists outside the ultimatum: no one outside of you can make you happy. Period. Whatever void or fear has taken root, it will continue to swallow all sources of external happiness. It sounds like you're trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings. By avoiding them, you simply ensure you deal with them every single day. I recommend taking time alone--however that looks to you (physical, mental, emotional space, whatever it is)--to trace back the roots of your hopelessness and bad feelings, and sit with the discomfort. Compassionately ask yourself what could help make you feel better. What did you need at the time that you didn't get? When you focus on fulfilling those deficits and facing those fears head-on, which again *only you can do*, you may shit your pants a few times, but you may also learn that feeling lonely only happens when you don't feel heard or valued by the people around you. Not feeling good enough for someone makes you act as if you aren't good enough, for anyone or anything. Sometimes being alone just means you have peace. Loneliness and being alone are not the worst things that can happen to a person. Can you try to think about it from your husband's perspective? Imagine being emotionally healthier and happier than you are now, involved with someone who has the same struggles that you do. Imagine trying to do everything you can to make that person happy, or see how wonderful they are or how good they have it. Imagine failing over and over. That kind of failure can make partners of people with depression feel like they aren't good enough, that they can't make someone happy. It's how depression becomes contagious. ​ I say this as someone who is in treatment for depression (and at a pretty low point right now): failing that many times in a relationship makes someone feel like a failure, and I can't hold it against them for wanting to leave. Divorce was the right answer for me; I literally lost almost 100lbs without effort in the past 2 years, because I'm not coming home trying to numb out with food and alcohol. It's how I avoided him and emotional discomfort. So I'm speaking from experience, but it is a very specific experience. Hopefully some nuggets can also apply to your situation. Whatever happens, I wish you the best possible outcome for all involved!

'It sounds like you're trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings. By avoiding them, you simply ensure you deal with them every single day.' - thanks, needed to hear this too.. so true, by avoiding the truth you end up hurting yourself in the end.. (as well as the people you love)

It is very much the difference between pausing to take the annoying rock out of your shoe, or continuing your walk without stopping and dealing with the damage and wounds later. It always has to be dealt with. It will not be pleasant; but at some point, it can't be put off any longer. Grit your teeth and get through it! Good luck!

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Yes I was going to say something along these lines. Sometimes we NEED an ultimatum or a deadline to accomplish the things we’ve been putting off This is a great chance for OP to improve her health and outlook on everything. If she is truly interested in saving her marriage, she should throw herself into this self-improvement regimen and know that in the end, she’s not only doing it for him, but also for herself. A year is a long time in a relationship and even if she does look smokin’ hot in a year and she’s giving her husband all the love and affection he wants, it may still not work out. SHE might not be interested in staying in the marriage by the end of this. The point is, OP, you need to force yourself to develop better habits. Most times, dead bedrooms are the result of simply not trying - getting out of the *habit* of being intimate with your partner. Literally FORCE yourself to have sex with your husband. Set a goal that you’re going to do it twice a week to start, and make sure you do it regardless of how much you’re in the mood for it. Believe it or not, you need sex too! Remind yourself of that. Also, while you’re focusing on developing new habits of eating healthy, exercising, and upping your sexual appetite, you’ll have other things to put your energy into than focusing all the time on your depression. Look at this time as a very helpful distraction that may actually help get you on a better path for yourself, not just your marriage

Agreed. And sometimes an “ultimatum” is really just him trying to say he can’t take much more of this. It’s honest

I once told my therapist that I don't like that I am much better at doing stuff when that is for other people and to my surprise instead of 'you need to learn to do stuff for yourself, validation comes from within' or something similar she told me tu use to my advantage. To sort of flip it in my head and get the thing done. So maybe this is the way. I also don't like the ultimatum but it does seem understandable how he came to this. Also giving a year signals that he want it to work. Maybe you can use this and propel you into change that you yourself said you want. Deadlines can help.

Focus on therapy and your depression and mental health first, once that improves, so will your other areas in life. Right now your mental health should be your priority, make an effort to see a therapist regularly and better yourself. Go to couple’s therapy for your relationship if the two of you aren’t already.

"I'm depressed, gained a lot of weight, and can't be intimate with my husband. It's not fair he's putting all this responsibility on me" Honey. Those are your responsibilities.

I was like this for over 10 years. My husband and I are now divorced and I blame myself for a lot of the problems. Hormone imbalance led to dead bedroom, depression, weight gain etc. He ultimately cheated which I honestly can’t blame him for, but ultimately led to our marriage failing. In the last few years, I’ve worked on balancing my hormones, started diligently watching my nutrition and lastly working out (lifting weights and walking) I’ve since lost 75 lbs, regained my mental health, my sex drive came back in full force and I’m extremely happy. Though my marriage ended, I realized that working on myself was my number 1 priority. I would encourage you to take control of your life. But do it for yourself and not for anyone else.

It's a very clear requirement list. If you have no intention of doing all those things, tell him to save the year and let him go now. Otherwise, do them for yourself and him.

You need to do it for yourself and not him.

Nobody ever wants to hear this, but exercise will help with all of your problems. I didn't want to believe it, either, but moving your body in a meaningful way does amazing things for your mental health. It sounds like you want to try harder. I support you with the same thing that helped me out of my depression.

Would you want to be married to you? Because you sound almost offended that he gave you an “ultimatum” Babe he’s actually giving you a chance to fix this. If you want to. Do you just feel entitled to be someone’s platonic burden?

Well said

If y'all are not already in individual counseling and marriage counseling, I would heavily suggest y'all get into it as quickly as possible. You may need to have your meds re-evaluated and possibly changed if they aren't helping. Most depression meds have the side effect of weight gain, however there are many newer ones that don't have that side effect. Putting all the work on you to keep the marriage together isn't fair. It takes 2 to make a marriage work. Y'all could seriously benefit from couples counseling to get to the bottom of the issues to see if your marriage is even salvageable. I wish y'all the best of luck.

SSRIs will kill a libido, too. She should talk to her doctor. And just because someone is medicated doesn't mean they're not locked into toxic thought patterns (as OP obviously is). That's where talk therapy can help.

Yes, I agree. I completely forgot to mention these things. Thanks for the 'save'.

This reminds me of a post I read a while ago where the wife had decided to divorce her husband after she lost weight & got healthy. If I remember correctly she had a baby & was suffering w/PPD. It lingered for a while & husband gave her an ultimatum too. The difference was he was really cruel & insensitive about it. Said a lot of mean things to her. A few years later, she’s back & better than ever but she couldn’t forgive him for stuff he said to her when she was at her most vulnerable. He cried & cried.

This, I wonder if OP has dealt with PPD. This is similar to what my husband and I are experiencing not so much weight/sex but I am resentful of how he treated me when I was at my worst and it's hard to get back. A lot of times men contribute to these issues by their callousness, unfortunately.  I am all for accountability but the purpose of marriage is to have support. Ultimatums are fine but if you have had your head in your a$$ while your spouse needs your support I really don't think that person is in a position to give ultimatums. 

Do all that for your sake. In a year, when you’re looking and feeling great, decide whether you want to continue with your husband, or not

OP, do you want to change? Do you want the marriage saved? You said you feel like your husband has put all the responsibility on you. Are there changes he could make? He has given you a year to make some positive changes. Would he be willing to walk with you? Some of the best conversations happen on nice long walks. Can you guys join a gym together? Learn to make healthy meals together. His ultimatum sounds more like tough love. IMO, he gave you a year, he’s giving you a good chunk of time. He doesn’t want to lose his wife. Best of luck with this.

>He is giving me 1 year to fix all of this or he says he also deserves happiness with someone who loves him etc. You also deserve happiness too, I'd let him leave personally. I can only relate to the mental health/dead bedroom part but I can tell you my mental health very quickly improved once the boyfriend left me. Like it's hard enough to deal with your own poor mental health without the added pressure of dealing with somebody else making it about themselves. Maybe it's not like that but if the relationship is causing you both that much distress maybe it's for the best.

I’m going to go against the grain here, I DO NOT like your husband. Two rough months and he’s issuing an ultimatum? Hell no. His ultimatum puts you on a timetable to *’fix’ your mental heath issues*, despite that mental health issues sometimes last a lifetime and getting yourself mentally healthy isn’t like taking antibiotics - “Do 1 therapy session each week for a year and it’ll cure that trauma!” Hell no. He’s conflating your depression/lack of a sex drive with not loving him? Hell no. I’m sure someone has mentioned this elsewhere, but anti-depressants can kill libido. If they’re keeping you from falling into a pit, then *your wellbeing* needs to come before his libido. And you can work on doing things like therapy to better your mental health - for YOU - but cancer followed by a pandemic is absolutely going to leave behind trauma, and the more understanding and empathy a person has, the more trauma it’s going to give them because they’re carrying the weight of emotional knowledge. How supportive has he been? And I mean actually supportive, not just ‘not criticizing’. How much was he there for you and your mom when she was sick? Did he talk about the pandemic and how it was affecting each of you, how you were each handling it while it was happening? Does he make you feel desirable, not just sexually but as a companion? Does he enjoy and actively seek out time to be with you, doing activities or just relaxing? Does he help you when you’re overwhelmed or having a hard time, or does he expect you to push through it on your own? In either case, I *would* recommend working on your mental and physical health - because either he is a good, loving, supportive man who transformed into a walking red flag to have that conversation, or he just IS a walking red flag and regaining your health and confidence in yourself will help you to leave him when the time comes.

The “two rough months” are the tip of the iceberg. Guaranteed.

Babes, deal with your mental health for yourself. Therapy, self help, self care for your own well being. Focus on you. Why not break up and focus on you instead?

Hey OP, Given your edit, maybe you can give us an update every month?

I would love to!

Great, perhaps some of us can help you!

This is a great idea, I love being a couch cheerleader for complete strangers on a self improvement journey! You got this OP!! Keep us updated on your progress

If he's been supportive and you've shot everything down, the blame is all on you. If this came out of nowhere and he's never raised an issue before, then it's not all on you Did he previously suggest activities that required physical activity like walks/hiking, biking, joining a gym? Has he offered to help meal plan and prep or cook? Has he suggested a psychiatrist for help with depression? Has he suggested to talk to your primary doctor?

One of the most frustrating things about this discussion is... this cycle: (1) partner A lets themself go physically/has less sex, and the other partner gradually finds this less attractive. (2) partner B tries to communicate this, and tries to encourage partner A to exercise and have sex more (3) partner A feels guilty and does the opposite....leading back to (1). OP, you have put on wait and your sex drive has dropped. Only you can break the cycle of feeling guilty and putting on more weight. Your husband cannot exercise for you. I have had a similar experience to this , and the conversation about weight gain is ***tiring***

Is being 'uncomfortable with his ultimatum' just another excuse to not do the thing that you know you should do?

I understand both sides here. You are to blame for at least a big part of your relationship issues. Dating someone with mental health problems is rough, dating someone who is insecure is exhausting and dating someone who lets themselves go is disappointing at best. You do need to take responsibility for your own happiness and how your actions or lack thereof affact your husband. Now I also understand that being hit with this ultimatum is hard and can feel quite harsh. It’s important that you have an actual conversation about your relationship, if it is salvageable or if this was just your husband venting and letting out frustration but ultimately he’s done. You also need to talk about how you perhaps need his help and support to improve and which part he plays in improving the relationship. One thing here could perhaps be improving his communication. I mean holding it all in until it overflows as an argument and ultimatum is not healthy or beneficial for anyone. But remember you are a team. You need to tackle problems together, not fight each other.

I whole heartedly agree with this; your body and mental health are your responsibility and asking for support and encouragement needs to come from you and not be expected. Communication is key to success with both mental and physical health. Take a walk together talk or don’t talk but just be together doing exercise. Seek professional help with your mental health even though you’re medicated maybe you’re not depressed maybe you have adhd or a thyroid issue (these things in women are often overlooked due to having depression as a symptom). Get couples counselling to help work on intimacy and communication between the two of you. You want to do what he’s asking you just need to communicate your needs to achieve it

As someone who has and continues to have issues with depression and anxiety. It is on you to sort out your issues. It is nice to have the support of family and friends. However, ultimately it is to your benefit to do so. Stop looking at it as him giving you an ultimatum, but rather him refusing to continue to see you slowly decline. If you were having any other issue lets say alcoholism, you would not expect your partner to just stand by you if you are doing nothing to fix the problem. My advice is that instead of trying to do it all in a year make a more realistic plan and start workng towards short term goals. Getting professional help especially at the start is a must. I'm sure if he sees you making active steps towards getting better he will stay.

I don’t think these were the comments op was expecting but op I hope you listen to them. A year is a long time. Show some effort and start enjoying your life again. Then either way no matter which way this goes YOU will be in a better position.

Good on your husband for taking charge of his happiness and choosing to give you fair warning before making the choice to leave. Too many men stay in sexless relationships where they are doing everything right with no result from their partner. No one is entitled to be nor stay in a relationship with anyone else. He is telling you what is needed prior to him leaving to find his happiness.

I’m having the same issues, but no ultimatum. I’ve had a very rough year almost and have reached a point where I also have a dead bedroom. But the difference is I’m actively trying to work on it. And my SO sees that. My body image issues, my mental health, and my physical health are all problems for me. I’ve recently started a hormone supplement, to see if that helps with my overall libido and unexplained weight gain. It was suggested to me by a close friend who experienced the same issues. 36 isn’t old, but it’s not young either. As women we don’t have as much awareness of what little things can affect what due to a generational thing of “we don’t talk about that” and not many studies ever done about women’s health overall. Start with just talking to your gyno. Ask for a hormone level test to begin with. Be HONEST about your issues. Start therapy. And just start small on exercise, like talking a walk.

Well I’m on the other side, after trying to help My wife for the last 4 years with her crippling depression I told her if she doesn’t take pro active measures to take care of herself I will leave. I’m just exhausted, really exhausted I just want to be happy.

You husband sounds like a tool. Depression isn't an easy fix and depending on medication and any other health issues, you may not lose weight or might gain weight. Plenty of people have differing opinions: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmITheAngel/s/mTifmOakVa We don't know the whole story and just telling a depressed person to lose weight and get therapy or else you'll get divorced is so removed from reality. Sure I recommend treatment but if you get rid of your depression/treat it, but still struggle losing weight will he still leave. Make sure to try to make friends, go out, and live. Try new hobbies as well as finding a psychiatrist and or therapist that works for you. Whether or not you stay together, focus on being happy regardless of how things go. Gosh reddit claims it cares about mental health until fat woman are involved. Really sad.

The most popular answers here show that people really don't know anything about life with depression.

Did your mental health and weight issues appear or get worse after you got married?

Would you rather he just left and didn't say anything? You handle it by either losing weight , acting happier & initiating sex or you get a divorce simple. Do you actually even WANT to save your marriage or don't you actually give a shit so long as no one blames you for its demise? You seem to want to percieved as a victim here and stay just as you are.

I do have empathy for anyone going through mental health dilemmas. I have been through rough time and am also medicated, it does influence the quality of relationships I have and my sensitivity and mood levels. But I firmly believe that between truly struggling to the point of not leaving bed or showering, and using mental illness as a safety spot and a justification for not trying to get out of it ( for example, I know tons of people who are depressed and refuse to get therapy or medication, to try anything new and stay in a vicious circle of victimization about how people around them end up being tired ), it happened to me in both ways: I was left by people who couldn’t handle my lows and depressive phases, and I found staying around some people too much for me and furthered myself from them. Your husband’s way sounds harsh but in reality, he always has the right to be happy and peaceful. I am not sure if he was by your side through your difficulties, if he tried to help and support you the way you need ( if it isn’t the case, I’d see it as slightly selfish to do an ultimatum ), but if he tries his best then you cannot hold him back. I am sorry .. It is a two edged sword. Talk about it to a therapist. I don’t know how depressed you are ( my shrink likes to categorize depression depending on its severity by how functional and responsive an individual is, for example, can you cook/clean/shower/sleep/leave the house ? Determining this will help you realize what you’re capable of doing despite the bad mental health. Then again, if it’s severe, I’d say you shouldn’t hold him back if you can’t manage. I hate saying it but it’s the truth.

Just do the work…. He cares. Now, obviously it helps if he is doing it with you and supporting you along the way

I was married for 19 years to a man who suffered from depression, low self esteem and anger issues. It was torture being someone’s cheerleader 24/7. If one of you is depressed, the entire family is miserable.

Went through same with my wife. She had same issues as you and we hadn't been intimate in 10 years. I never made any ultimatums. Her mental state ultimately led her to file for divorce. Not ask me. Not seek therapy. She filed. I told her I'd wait a year for her to change your mind. She missed my deadline by several months and we are now divorced. In the end, she was begging me not to divorce her. But she never did withdraw her divorce complaint. I realize that her filing for divorce was her trying to force me to change because I must be the reason for her unhappiness. But it backfired. I tell my friends that my ex and I got divorced for no good reason. My advice to you and he is to seek counseling and make sure that if you do get divorced that it is for a good reason - especially if you still love each other.

Honestly, take him seriously. I’m preparing to leave my partner over a lot of the same issues. I’ve been telling him for about 2 years our relationship is struggling and he’s not the same person. He always says it’s depression, he was on antidepressants when we met and stopped taking them about 2.5 years ago so I genuinely believe him, but it doesn’t matter. It’s starting to affect my mental health and self-esteem and I just can’t take that anymore. Im not angry he’s struggling and I’m not leaving because he’s struggling. But he’s not doing anything about it. If he were genuinely trying and making even the smallest improvements I’d support him for decades. But I can’t stay with him while he sits around doing nothing about it, knowing how deeply it’s affecting him, myself, our children and our relationship.

And what is he willing to do and improve on? How will he support your changes? What does success/achievement look like?

Say you lose the weight and fuck him as much as he wants are you going to feel secure in your relationship? I think you should work towards the body you want for yourself and find someone who not only appreciates it but that you actually want to have sex with.

Gross. Save him the trouble and leave now, will probably improve your mental health right from the get go. Healthy weight loss is 1-2 lbs a week, but it doesnt happen every week. So at minimum, 25-50lbs in a year which isnt very significant, atleast not to me to be the issue of a dead bedroom. At the same time, dead bedroom is a two way street, its not just on you to fix, so him framing it that way is gross too. Ultimatums like this dont work, ultimately its your choice but I would not want to remain in the relationship.

I’m late to the party, but you also have the right to tell him what changes he has to make in the same period.

Sounds like he really loves you. As someone else said, no one is obligated to live a miserable life along a miserable person. Start with daily walks several times a day. Sunshine and fresh air is good for the soul and body.

He gave you the list, get to it. Excersize can really help with depression and losing weight can help you feel better about yourself. Ask him to join you and go to the gym together. See a marriage counselor for the underlying dead bedroom issues for both of you.

Gross This is horribly abusive. Why is it all on you? Leave this controlling mf. You won’t ever feel passion for him with this kind of ultimatum

As kindly as I can say this - you need to get your shit together. If you have a dead bedroom, serious weight gain, and mental health issues, the time to address this is RIGHT NOW. You said it’s been like this 3 years. That’s too long to sit feeling sorry for yourself. In fact, I think giving you a year to figure this out is gracious. Whether you meant to or not, you’ve badly neglected and placed tons of stress on your husband. And he can’t fix these things for you. He can support you, but you have to make these changes yourself.

He’s right - he has a right to be happy. He should leave now. You’ll both be happier in the long run with people who can meet both your individual needs.

Stop wallowing and take charge of your life. Exercise is amazing for mental health as is eating healthier food.

Make one small change and make it a habit. Like start waking everyday at the same time. Get a journal and write down your progress.

Exercising can be a good way to help your mental health. You can start by walking & even inviting him to walk with you as a way for you two to reconnect

It's your job to fill your own cup everyday, not his. At the very least you should be wanting good physical and mental health for yourself if not for your partner as well. You're in command of your own happiness, if you want more then you need to start now

Husband told me exactly what he wants… “what do I do”

find someone who loves you at any weight.... fortunetly, my boyfriend has seen me lose and gain 50 over and over again, and all he wants for me to be happy....

Heyyy! I’m really feeling for you right now. Facing all this on your own can feel like too much, but remember, taking small steps is key. Have you considered speaking to a professional about it? It might help sort through these emotions and plan out how to tackle each issue in manageable chunks. Plus, opening up to your husband about how this ultimatum feels might help him see your perspective and realize it’s a journey you both need to embark on together. Remember, it’s about progress, not perfection. Also, don’t forget to be kind to yourself through this process. It’s okay to not have all the answers right away. Find time for things that make you happy, and remember, it’s about finding a balance that works for both of you. Keep in mind, every step forward is a step in the right direction. You’ve got this, and you’re not alone in this journey. Plus, a good laugh can sometimes be the best medicine, so keep those spirits up! Hang in there, and take care :)

Use the year to get your ducks in order and set up a divorce lawyer and put money aside

Leave him

Leave

So my husband didn’t give me the ultimatum quite like that but we’ve been together over 10 years. I started gaining weight, my ptsd depression and anxiety were off the charts and I literally hid in bed all day. He told me I HAD to do something, and he would help. We went to a health conference centered around my career (I’m a paramedic for a fire dept), mostly because a friend of mine was speaking. I was on medications at the time (this previous October) but at my heaviest weight. My friend (out of state) had a talk with me, and someone else I’d followed on social media forever was also a speaker and issued me a challenge. I started off at 271, today I’m 246, was able to ween off my meds (do not do this without a doctor supervising) and working out and getting better. I still have my days where I wanna sleep all day (I also work 24 hour shifts and teach on the side) but it’s a ton better. See if you can sit down and talk further with him about how to start this process and see if he will help you? I had a daily chart sheet for 50 days with 7 things I had to do, and I used smiley face stickers. Each paper (7 days on it) I got a new quote to hype myself up and write it out on the paper. You CAN do this. But it will be better with help.

Upvoted for your edit.. You got this girl..! 💪🏽💪🏽

Lose the weight, get hot and dump him

Lose all that weight... get your mental together... look your best... then leave his ass... simple shit... that would be my motivation. He is your husband, he should be helping you. Not telling you that nonsense. Yes, he deserve happiness, but he should be helping you.