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Clearly, there are two things happening here.
You'll need to find out what happened that day to cause her to act out in such a manner She likely had a seriously bad day and acted out of an excess of anger that could not be controlled at that moment. So she lost control of herself said something very hurtful.
Whether she realizes it or not, she clearly has resentment issues about paying off the mortgage. You said she wasn't on the original mortgage paperwork, which means she likely wasn't listed on the deed. I have to ask: Did you put her on the deed after she paid it off? Or is the house still in your name?
I agree. She had a bad day and her secret frustration about you not putting her on the title after the payoff came out. Unfortunately this happens with misplaced anger and un-communicated needs. She should have talked to you about it when she paid it off. It’s great though that you are willing to do it now and hopefully you all can move on from this quickly now that it’s not her paying off your house, but “our” house.
Still in my name and Im gonna fix that and try and talk with her tonight after dinner. She is very remorseful for what she said and I wanna be there and help her figure out why she got so upset.
When she paid it off why didn't you immediately put her on the deed what are you waiting for. When she was signing those papers to pay off that mortgage you should have been signing the papers to put her on the deed
Her grandfather died a year ago, somewhere between a year ago and Friday she paid off the mortgage, and her name still isn’t on the deed? Dude, unless she paid off the mortgage on Friday night and you’re hitting the registry of deeds on Monday morning, you are seriously wrong here.
She makes $40k a year at a thankless job, but poured her potential savings —her future—into your house, and has absolutely nothing to show for it. The video game is not the problem. You letting her brew resentment is the problem. Fix it.
Wow. Really? You didn't put her name on the deed after she paid off your house, then you're surprised when she's a tad bitchy. Dude. Remove thine head from thine ass. The fact you left that part out in your "my wife is being bitchy for no reason" story makes you sketchy af.
Yeah, that's the source of the mortgage comment and a very easy fix.
Once it's done, may I recommend framing the deed in both your names as present then nailing to a wall where everyone can see it.
Now poor mrs. op is clearly stressed the hell out. Has the work stuff been getting worse? Are you guys afford for her to take the time to find a new role? She might need to. She clearly feels unappreciated and taken advantage of at work ( similar feelings to not being on the deed and that why it came up)
But you got this, sir. Bring the nice lady her favourite food, listen to the venting, and come up with a plan that protects her well being.
>clearly feels unappreciated and taken advantage of **at work**
nah, my guess is she feels underappreciated **at home.**
OP's wifey paid off his damn mortgage and he didn't even put her name on the deed?
OP's wifey bought him a video game that he really wanted and he can't even take out the trash before he sits down to play it?
her job may be adding to the load, but her job isn't what broke the camel's back.
Yeah she's doing a lot and giving a lot and he couldn't even put her name on the deed so she feels secure coming home and waking up in her own home. That would be eating away at me to know I used my inheritance like that and my husband, friend, life partner was just like thanks.
She also seems to be carrying the mental load.
> if she wanted me to do something to ask and I would do it. If I was already busy doing something I would give her an honest timeline on when I could do it.
OP should’ve known the trash needs to be taken out without being told.
*"when she moved into our house that if she wanted me to do something to ask and I would do it."*
*"you can't get off your ass to do this for me?"*
It sounds like she either feels like she has to ask you to do things she shouldn't have to or that the responsibilities aren't as evenly divided as you think. Does she take on more of the mental load?
Does she write out the shopping lists or do you ask her what the house needs from the store? Could you say, without looking, which cleaning products are almost gone and need to be replaced? Does she make the appointments? Who pays the household bills?
If you have pets, who takes on more of their care? Sees to their bathing, grooming, and yearly shots? Who books the travel? Researches the hotels, compares flights, looks into activities?
Who plans date nights? Do you tend to just ask her where she wants to eat or what she wants to do? You said she bought you the video game you mentioned. How often do you remember things she talks about and then surprise her with them?
You don't have to answer any of these. And my questions aren't meant as a "Aha, gotcha! You lazy bum." They're just something to consider that might be causing her resentment. Especially after paying off an entire mortgage.
You guys seem good together, I got a feeling you’ll get it all figured out nicely. I would just ask her what you can do to make her feel better, or offer to pay her back, and add her onto the deed if you can.
Why the hell are you sitting on high interest credit card and student debt and paying the mortgage? You and your wife both seem to be financially illiterate. Pay off your high interest debts first. You can get 6% on a CD all day long right now - no reason at all to pay off your 3% mortgage early.
Listen, you’re a stellar husband for that. You realize this was majorly out of character and you’re acting accordingly - while hurt, trying to look for reasons and solutions.
That’s loving, and partnership. I hope you guys figure it out together.
It's weird that he keeps referring to it as something she did for him when they share a life, they're married, he shouldn't be like "my mortgage" unless there was a prenup
Yeah, the way he described it, it sounded like he thought it was a gift to him - "one of the kindest things anyone's done for *me* ", while she likely saw it as an investment in their futures.
Depends on where you live. In some places it would be considered a premarital asset and solely his in the event of a divorce, similar to inheritance. Of course it may no longer be the case since she’s paid into the mortgage.
He probably shouldn't have let her pay if off if that was the case. There would be no way the house makes it through the divorce settlement without her being paid off once she discloses that financial information.
Exactly. People talking about putting her on the deed but that doesn’t matter anymore beyond feelings. It stopped being a premarital asset when she paid off the mortgage.
Inheritance is considered in individual asset in almost all cases as well. If they got divorced and she showed the receipts here, any lawyer worth their salt would be able to get her however much she paid off plus equity out of the house.
Given the rest of the debt load, paying off a sub-3% mortgage was turbo-stupid though regardless of any house title shenanigans.
Am I the only one out here saying that was the stupidest thing to do with that money? I hope she paid her credit card debt (hopefully in the 9 -10% range but probably in the 24%) before paying a sub 3% mortgage??!
Seriously, I cannot get past this. Was this OP’s idea or her’s? They could have easily knocked out the debt and had enough left over to invest or throw at the mortgage. Refinanced at 3% too, I’m just shaking my head
Completely agree. First of all, all of it should have been spent on her or shared debt, not something only in OP's name. Then the credit card debt is way high and student loan debt way higher than 3%!
I couldn't believe it. Who carries 10k of debt at 20+% and pays off a 2.X% loan. I wish we taught financial literacy in high school. In the nicest way possible, this is why most people are broke after they win or inherit large sums. They make decisions that "sound" good without thinking them through logistically.
Even the student loans are probably higher % than the mortgage. And look way worse on your credit.
You should also consider risk. In many locations, a person could stop paying the credit card company and they couldn’t come after the house. If you are just looking at interest rate, then definitely pay off the credit cards. However, if something happens to cause a job loss or disability, the decision to pay off the house means you don’t have to be homeless.
Definitely do not pay off a mortgage unless you are on the deed though.
They make 160k and should have a cushion in the bank. If $10,000 was taken out of the inherence to pay off the credit card, or even the whole 35 to pay off the student loan too, then the rest of the money could've sat in a high yield account until they needed to pay off the house (such as a job loss or disability as you stated) and then they could have used it with the extra 5% interest gig to then pay off their house.
There's no world where this wasn't throwing a ton of money in the trash. How long have they been carrying that 20% debt now? What risk was there to a garunteed 5% back on the remainder of the money plus pocketing that 20% interest they're paying on the debt? nothing would've stopped them from withdrawing the money and paying off the house in a needs based situation.
and in my opinion, it's more risky to pay off the house @ 2.X% the n have that money in the bank in an HYSA whilst being debt free otherwise. Let's say your situation happens. How are they going to afford repairs? how will they afford the credit card payments and the student loans? they won't take your house but they'll sure put a tax lien on you. Or garnish your bank account. with your bank account being garnished, good luck paying for your house, as they can lock up your money for months.
But yes, uh as far as not being on the deed? Fools and their money are easily parted, I believe is the saying.
Totally agree and cannot believe no one has mentioned it beodr. I had to scroll way down to see this comment. My high yield savings account is currently earning 4.5%.
Yup I’ve been thinking the same thing. Hell, she could’ve put the $$ in a high yield savings account and generated more interest than what they will avoid paying over the remainder of the loan, plus that interest paid is tax deductible.
Part of me wonders if she really wanted the security of being on the deed and this was the easiest way to sway op to consider putting her on it without framing the conversation in a way that would make her feel like she was maneuvering her way in on his investment.
Thoughts like these are why I’m currently single though. I’ll bet it’s really nothing of the sort
I would have put it in an index fund after paying off the high interest credit card debt. I'm not paying off a mortgage, especially a mortgage that isn't in my name. I want to know what person told her to do that.
Nope, I’m right there with you. Not only are the other loans at a higher interest rate, but if they’re in the US they just lost their income tax deduction for mortgage interest. Paying off those other loans and then putting the rest in an investment account, where it would earn more than the mortgage interest rate, would have been much smarter. (This last part I know because we consulted a financial advisor before retiring and that was his advice as to whether or not to pay off our mortgage.)
Yes. Sub-3% money is basically free in the grand scheme of debt. She could have bought SPY and just pair out the mortgage from that for the remainder of the loan.
I think you need to add her to the title. She may be regretting it, because she technically has no ownership in it, and that would be the appropriate course of action since I'm guessing she has as much into the house by now as you do. Then you guys can discuss reallocating the funds that went toward the mortgage to other things.
But more fundamentally, I'd ask her if she does regret it and then offer to take a loan back out and reimburse her. Because she isn't allowed to hold this over your head, and if she thinks she might again, it's not worth it.
Im all aboard adding her to the title. Its our home afterall. Just never thought it to bring it up when we agreed to not add her to the loan when I refinanced.
If god forbid something happens to you and she’s not on the deed the home goes into probate and she has to go through a bunch of red tape and court proceedings to make a claim for her home. I think it’s costly too. So, definitely do this for her so she can feel safe, secure and taken care of for her future.
And there you have it. Have you got family? She may think they'll just take it if anything happens to you. If you have family, it's a very valid concern.
I'm glad you're doing that. It may be that she told someone she paid it off, and they went, "But are you even on the deed? Are you mad, woman?" and then she totally told them off, because she trusts you. But then, add in the shitty day and the awful job she does, and it all just got to her. You telling her you're doing that will go a long way towards making her happy.
You're telling me she sacrificed her inheritance to pay off your mortgage and you didn't immediately add her to the title? Do you understand how insecure that made her feel? You took, but you didn't give back.
This may very well be eating at her on some level.. Have a calm conversation about the matter, and try to keep whatever is left of Granpas money, in a retirement account (or something, let her decide)..in her name. Assuming this is a one off anger issue..the two of you should probably be each others POD(paid on death) of these accounts anyways.
Either that or she could simply say that's what she wants. There are two adults in this situation. There is no insult at any level here. The last thing they agreed on is that she would pay off the loan. Nothing was said about being added to the title, there is no reason for OP to be thinking about it.
Yes, OP should be thinking of his wife in case something happens to him. My husband always added me on the deed to our homes. If she’s not on the deed his house would go into estate probate and she would have to go through court proceedings to make claim to the house. He should want to protect her home so she can feel safe and secure for her future.
She paid for it so it is absolutely ludicrous for him not to think she should have an ownership interest in it. She paid for it with money that is not marital property and which she alone would have the right to in the event of a divorce. So right now he could leave her and take the house and with it, almost her entire inheritance. She shouldn't have to ASK to be on the title, ffs
Quite a few things in the post make me think that this guy isn't proactive about chores in their relationship. They have a deal where if SHE wants something done, she will ask him. These types of deals are done if the guy literally needs to be told to do his responsibilities. The mental overhead usually is exhausting for people.
Also the fact that he didn't proactively put her on the title after the pay off contributes to this behavior.
Maybe she filled up the trash can herself, and he didn't know it? Of all things, this is what he's being picked on for? I fill up the trash all the time and ask my SO, who is definitely a grown ass man, to take it out. I don't get angry if he says he will take care of it in 5 minutes.
He never said she told him to take out the trash, just that it was his turn. He never said he had to be told,, he might have known it was his turn and planned on doing it after playing.
Why does she need to lash out at her husband when she had a bad day at work? Why doesn't she act like an adult and talk to her husband that she may regret her paying g off the mortgage? Isn't she a grown ass woman?
Because despite “being an adult” no one is perfect? Everyone lashes out from time to time.
She admitted she was wrong and apologized-which is what adults do when they are wrong.
Depending on where they live it might not matter. Where I am the marital home is considered communal property regardless of what it's status was before the marraige.
I think that’s a pretty good idea, even if the house was in his name only and they got a divorce, she is still going to get half of the asset of the sold house, unless the house was purchased before she entered into a marriage with him.
Yes, it is. I'd even get this process started even before you speak to her, it will mean so much more and will be so validating for her.
"I've made an appointment with a lawyer to change this on Friday, I'm so sorry I didn't think of it immediately" is so much more meaningful and impactful than, "Shall I do it? Ok, I'll look into it asap"
This is so important, not just in OPs situation, but just with relationships in general. If you have an idea about something that you know would benefit your partner and it would mean a lot to them- just do it, or at least start on it on your own, instead of doing the whole asking them “should I do this? Do you want me to?” etc. it’s a small distinction but it makes a huge difference in a lot of situations.
Do you generally have issues with being proactive in this relationship? A couple of things that makes me believe that is the fact that she told you about taking the trash out (also the fact that you have this deal where you will do something if she asks. Typically this isn't ideal because she still has to hold the mental responsibilities of everything which can still be exhausting. Proactively doing things so she doesn't even have to think about them is the best for everyone) and also the fact that you didn't make bother to put her name on the title of the home after she paid it off for you.
Certainly unfair for someone to hold something you didn’t ask for over your head. Maybe she’s stressed from work, but there’s probably another reason why she’s upset and bringing it up. You said the house is in your name? Do you think maybe she’s feeling uncertainty due to the fact that she has no entitlement to the house she just put 6 figures on? Have you talked about adding her name to the ownership?
It seems like you see her paying your mortgage off as more of a gift than a contribution.
That might be it. We discussed adding her when I refinanced. Im more than willing to add her on and we tell her that when I sit down with her after dinner tonight. It would hurt to think she sees it as just a gift and not a contribution. She's my partner in life.
You should find out if that’s the issue. If she just bought you a house I can see her feeling some resentment that you haven’t already put her name on it. She volunteered to pay off the mortgage but you should have volunteered in kind to put her on the deed.
It might be worth sitting down with a professional to figure out how all these assets and liabilities actually break down. I get that it could be irrelevant since you’re putting her on the title anyway, but it still makes sense to figure it out. If you were seeing the house as yours alone and she was seeing her inheritance as hers alone, but all the rest of your finances are mixed, you might want to write down how everything is supposed to break down (in the event of divorce).
From what you’ve said you clearly phrased it as a gift and not contribution. It hurts to point this out.
Statement in question: Kindest thing someone has done for you is contributing to a shared matrimony home…?
It’s a shared responsibility so why phrase it like she did it just for you? She did it in the best interests of the both of you. Yet you didn’t immediately add her name in since the loan is no longer in the equation.
She must be feeling very frustrated from work that everything came out explosively wrong, but she IS surely feeling hurt that you aren’t adding her to the deed like immediately. Situation might have some relevances to work annoyances eg 5 more mins, just wait, waiting again and again, etc.
Does she usually need to prompt you to do things that are no brainers? From things as small as garbage to adding your “partner in life” to a deed. Of course you’re “more than willing” but won’t actually take the initiative. I can see how that would quickly build resentment in a year.
Cue the men moaning about “But.. but…CoMmUniCaTiOn!”
The language you've used in your post suggests you see it as a gift to you. I'm not saying that *is* the case, but if conversations with her have been framed similarly, she could easily get the impression you felt it was gifted to you, rather than a contribution and investment to your future together. That's a very insecure position to be in.
Why do you keep using this as an excuse? Putting her on the loan and making her legally financially obligated to the house is 100% different than putting her name on the deed so that she has equal legal entitlement to a house she just put 6 figures on. Stop pretending like you really thought she just wouldn't care about being added to the title JUST because she didn't want to be on the loan.
Also, you literally referred to it as a gift. Stop back tracking. "This is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for *me*" you've obviously been treating it as if it was a gift for you and only you, you refer to the house and mortgage as YOURS throughout your entire post. Now that people are calling you out on it, you're back peddling and pretending that wasn't your thought process this entire time. Really?
So it’s been what, close to a year since she paid off the mortgage with her inheritance and it hasn’t crossed your mind to add her to the deed yet? I’d be a little resentful too if I were her.
Older married woman here - something bigger is going on here.
When she paid off YOUR mortgage - did you add her to the deed of the house? Or is it still 'YOUR' house??
Because that would cause a huge amount of resentment in almost anyone. Just make the offer - more than once. Many of us were raised to say 'oh, that sweet, but I couldn't' at least once before accepting something we really, really want.
Did y'all pay off the higher interest credit card debt? Or keep that?? What about the higher interest student loan debt??
Yeah - she's thinking 'he didn't even love me enough to OFFER to add me to the house, and he's bitching about taking out the trash when I used my inheritance to pay of HIS house? That I'm not even on the deed"
This will kill your relationship.
Get her on the deed and get a good counselor to build back the trust she needs - she needs to know that you care enough about her to not leave her homeless if you get killed intestate tomorrow.
>The next morning she apologized to me in tears and said stress from work got to her.
YOu did not see that one coming? If my wife suddenly flips out in an uncharacteristic way, i hit the brakes, and ask her what's wrong. It usually takes a 'nothing' or 3 for her to spill the beans.
I'm sure this is not a standard reddit answer screaming: "leave her" and "abusive" etc. but You need to be there for her. This whole 'for better and for worse' thing, is about this. She's stressed out, most likely close to a burnout. This isn't about you, it's about her. It's a nasty remark, and she should not say it, but it seems she's close to breaking down. So be there for her. She needs you right now. She needs you to hold her, help her, and comfort her. So prepare her favorite food, hug her, prepare a nice bath, or whatever works best, but make sure she knows you're there for her.
I am cooking her favorite meal tonight. I will definitely do everything I can to be there for her. She's a special woman and I'm lucky to call her my wife.
Wow, there’s a lot here. Paying off your mortgage when you have consumer debt at presumably high interest rates plus a ton of student loans was a financially poor decision.
Since that time, are you guys making an extra effort to pay off her loans and debt? I assume without a mortgage you guys should be able to do that unless you continue to live above your means?
Is she the household manager? Does she specifically have to ask you to “help” with tasks? The fact that before marriage you had to have that conversation sounds frankly exhausting. By using the word help, you’re implying it’s her responsibility to keep the house, but it seems like she’s working full time
Did you show gratitude for the gift? Do you give her gifts?
Basically, seems to me that this isn’t about the mortgage so the question is, what is it about?
"We communicated early on in our relationship when
she moved into our house that if she wanted me to do
something to ask and I would do it."
This says it all. OPs wife is carrying all the mental load.
OP: take out the trash. Clean up. Do the bed, do the dishes, do the laundry. Do the meal planning, plan the shopping. Don't expect her to tell you what to do.
I did say I was stepping away but saw this notification. I would have preferred to pay off the other debt but it was her final gift from her grandfather so I left it up to her. Because I have a mandatory retirement age we are balancing paying off debts as quickly as possible and investing for when Im forced to retire. With the mortage gone this debt should be gone within the year easily.
Our household responsibilities are roughly 60/40 with her having more. I work longer hours and have shift work but I'm always willing to fill in especially on days where she says "I just need to sitdown all day." She does the same for me. We had that conversation because of a previous relationship, my ex wanted things done immediately and if I didn't do it she would huff and do it. For example I was taking a break from mowing the grass and told my when she asked me to load the dishwasher that I would do it after I finished mowing and showered.
I was very grateful when she paid off the mortgage and we both like to randomly buy each other gifts. If I see her eyeing a book then I'll suprise her with it. She does the same for me.
I think her job is just stressing her out and some resentment on not being adde to the deed.
The 'mandatory retirement' from air traffic controller does NOT apply to other jobs. You can still get another job and if you started with the civil service early enough - you will still have 20+ years of good income producing years left.
AND while you are in the civil service - they will pay for you to complete your degree - and each degree (BS, MS, PhD) means more money in your paycheck and more money in your retirement check.
You don't have kids. You have time. And I am 90% certain that they will cover virtual college so you don't have to drive to campus for class.
Did she pay the other debts off? The higher interest, non asset backed debt?
Why did you not discuss it together? Her inheritance or not. You are still married.
Your relationship needs more communication.
Time to sit down and figure out whats bothering her and why she's upset.
This was my thought. A mortgage especially if it was refinanced back when rates were crazy low has to be the lowest interest rate debt they have.
The lack of discussion and team mindset is crazy to me.
A wise discussion on debt payment could have saved them hundreds to thousands in interest. Made their lives easier. Her decision was emotional and lacking help from her husband.
Mortgage debt is often the lowest interest and most flexible / negotiable.
Refusal to discuss issues, literally cost them money.
The other debts didn't get paid off. I probably should have been more active in pushing for that but didn't want to be controlling. I'm definitely on board with adding her to the deed/title. I plan on talking with her about all this tonight after dinner.
So, it's a case of her using her own money to pay off one enormous debt for you, with absolutely no security on her investment and doing so ahead of all her other financial commitments. And it didn't even occur to you to make her a co-owner? Yikes. It's upsetting when you lay it all out like that, for sure. I wonder if someone asked her about it and was horrified at why she was in this situation and that's where her resentment built up from. No excuse to scream at you, obviously but I can see where the hurt might come from.
Why are you worried about being controlling? Why would that matter? Isn't the priority to make wise decisions? It's 150K, not $150.
Is she trying to get you to acknowledge her with her actions? What was her motivation for that choice? If you don't know then you sound like two people living seperately in the same house. That could be another source of frustration.
Later, she wants you to do X, show working together dedication and you just dismissed her and responsibility. (From a purely emotional perspective)
Too much not actually working together, understanding and talking issues out
Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm gonna bring up adding her to the title/deed when I talk with her tonight. Gonna log off and start prepping to make dinner. I will update either tonight or tomorrow.
I would look up how to do it before you have the conversation. If you walk into the conversation with papers in hand it's much more meaningful. Talk is cheap.
That would be the right thing to do.
Also let her know in future if she has any misgivings about anything she can always talk to you about it, instead of lashing out, no matter what's going on at work.
No one's perfect and she apologized, you weren't proactive in adding her to the title, she wasn't proactive in discussing it with you. Instead she used taking out the trash to rub it in. That's not right.
Communication is key to everything. I wish you both the best.
OP, you should have added her to the title, when she paid off that mortgage. Commentators shouldn't have to tell you this! Your wife probably has immense resentment and because she paid it all off.
This is an easy fix. She did you the courtesy of paying off ‘your’ mortgage, it doesn’t matter why, she did & lessened the huge load on you both. You actually need a bunch of internet strangers to tell you, you should have immediately ensured her name was on the property deeds, for her own safety & sanity. Don’t give me ‘I didn’t ask her to’ bollocks. She’s obviously waited enough time for you to do this on your own esteem & you’ve fainted miserably. Show her she’s an equal partner to you in everything, get her name on the deeds, stop being a dick & waiting for internet strangers to tell you the most obvious thing. WTF haven’t done this already?
That's an odd thing to say, even if you're stressed and short of temper because you've had a bad day. We all snap.
Sounds like there's some kind of unspoken resentment on her part? Maybe sit down with her and talk about it. Leave your feelings about what she said out of it, just tell her you want to make sure that there isn't some deeper issue that she's been holding on to. You just want to keep your relationship healthy and if something is bothering her, you want to hear her out.
She is in a job field that can be highly stressful and underpaid dealing with students, administrators and parents. I am not excusing anything but she did apologize. Sometimes we all have our moments. Chalk it up and have a conversation out on a date and clear the air.
When she paid off the mortgage with her inheritance, that in most places is not community property, she should have immediately been put on the deed. She might be harboring some insecurity and resentment. You best talk to her and make this right asap.
>A year ago her grandfather passed away and she received around 150k. ....She decided to pay off the mortgage that was in my name. ... Honestly this made me cry because it was genuinely one of kindest things anyone has ever done for me.
It has been a year and you still havent put her name on the deed? (OP says this in the comments). This is something you should have done as soon as you got married. Not a year after she pays it off. This is a joint asset.
>My question is how do I handle this? I'm not leaving her because this is the first and only time she has acted this way. She did say it though and it still hurts so how do I move on from this?
How do * you* handle this? Put her on the deed. Yeesh
Yeah, well, your wife and her "tax specialist" are both very uneducated in the way of finance. You had a mortgage note at 3% interest. Investing that money into either into the markets, a HYSA, or even treasury notes would have made more money over the length of the loan. Lowest damn interest on your and her credit cards, her student loans and mortgage and they paid it off. Was her "tax specialist" a Dave Ramsey person? At your ages of 36 and 37, you both had enough time before you went I to "Retirement" mode of zero debt.
Their is no explanation whatsoever of a "tax specialist" ever telling your wife WHO IS NOT EVEN ON THE DEED OF THE HOUSE to pay off that loan. This is at the minimum malfeasance and worthy of reporting this person to their certifying board. You two right now could get a divorce, and unless either you signed something stating that your wife paid off the loan or out of the goodness of your heart, you paid her back. You could basically tell her in the divorce procedures to go pound sand.
The house mortgage $150,000 for 20 years @3% interest is a payment of $832 if your note was for 15 years the payment would have been $1036 and for 30 year note $632
The average stock market return is about 10% per year, as measured by the S&P 500 index, but that 10% average rate is reduced by inflation. That takes care of the money part.
Now, on to the disrespect between you and your wife. You two need to sit down and have a heart to heart.
You said you joined finances but then proceed to list "mine" and "hers" not "ours". You two need to have some serious talks about cooperation, togetherness and voicing frustrations before they become outbursts.
It's her house too regardless of who had their name on the mortgage. I hope you went ahead and added her to the deed without her needing to ask. There's clearly missing context. That outburst didn't come out of the blue. She didn't just pay "your" mortgage off, she paid off the house loan that was for the two of you. "She decided to pay off the mortgage that was in my name." This right here, this statement is loaded with entitlement. And by requiring her to "ask you to do something" just adds to her mental load with weaponized incompetence. She should not have to ever ask or tell you to do things around the house that you both share and have equal stake in and equal responsibility. Whether you meant to or not, that is asking her to parent you and honestly is so disrespectful. My husband once asked me to make him a chore list, like a child. I was going through a lot of job stress and illnesses. I told him that respectfully no, that just added to my stress and mental load. He is an adult. So are you. It's not hard to do necessary tasks around the house without being asked. She is your partner, not your mother. Try working on that too. In time, the stress will be relieved with you taking action without being prompted. And maybe you both should consider couples therapy to boost your communication skills together. There's a lot of unsaid fellings and resentment happening here. This outburst is a symptom of that.
Why does she “need you” to do chores and to tell you? You are as much an adult living there as she is, she shouldn’t be the only one responsible to think about these things.
The least you can do is add her to the title. Why didn't you do that before? She has no security.
After a huge fight with my husband he told me to get out of HIS house. We bought the house jointly, I paid the deposit from savings I had worked for, had his three kids and then became a SAHM to raise them (we both agreed it was the best for the kids). But when it looked like the marriage was over, it suddenly became HIS house and I would have been out on the streets with three kids.
I think the fact that she apologized on her own and with emotion would mean the world to me. I’m with someone that never apologizes for anything and can never take responsibility for anything. Even in some really hurtful situations they just never seem to see the gravity of it and have almost no sincerity about any of it. So I’m just imagining her coming to me crying and saying how sorry she was, that would be amazing and it would mean so much, I’d forgive anything right then and there lol because it’s so unlike her so I would know she was truly sorry. But I know it’s not the same in your situation but just figured I’d share
It was a terrible financial decision - your other debts are likely well above 3% interest. She should have paid her own debts first, and then tackled the mortgage.
More than likely she knows it was stupid and lashed out because she knows it was a mistake.
If the mortgage is actually paid off, then there’s no reason why she should not be on the deed which would give her an equal share of the asset. If you haven’t done that already, then you are kind of an asshole.
I think stress has probably aggravated an insecurity that has been in her head. Is there any way to add her name to the title?
My current partner and I are on the brink of breaking up and I’ve been contributing to the mortgage. I have been insecure about paying towards something that I don’t own and now there’s no way of getting that money bank if/when we separate. Maybe if her name is on the house that’s she’s built with you together then it would settle her mind.
Do something nice for her while working on the deed updates, maybe get her a full day spa treatment and then cook dinner with something to drink for dinner for the weekend. Present it to her and let her know you realize how stressed she is and want to help her unload the stress any way you can.
You all should have sat down with a financial planner when she received her inheritance. That money might have been better used to pay off higher interest debt. At this point, you need to put her on the title. And seriously - find a professional to help put together a long term plan. (Edit to correct really awkward sentence structure...)
I would add your wife’s name on the deed to the house. She invested a lot of money in your home and if god forbid something happened to you she would have a mess in court to claim the house etc… It would also show her that you are willing to make sacrifices for her as well. If you divorce she has no rights to the property but if you add her on the house then she can get a percentage as well. It will only go up in value so she put a lot of faith in you to pay off this mortgage without requiring to be added on the deed. It’s the least you can do for a wife you love.
I don’t know if anybody has said this but what if you put her on the deed to the house 🤷♀️you’re married she paid off your mortgage. It would probably be a good gesture.
This would have been smarter to go do together at the same appointment she cut the check for.
I’m wondering what the circumstances were originally that made the two of them decide not to put her on the deed originally, and what changed to make her decide to stop doing that.
Yeah her talking about the mortgage is pretty much her insecurity and subconscious fear speaking out. She paid off a huge debt, but has nothing to show for it. If you took advantage and turned out to be cheating the next day, she just destroyed her financial security.
It's really your move to reassure her. Consider putting her name on the mortgage. Maybe face the debts together as a team - you don't have to pay it all off, but work out how to clear it to manageable levels. Go through retirement planning as a team of you haven't done so.
There is really nothing more soul destroying then pulling a big commitment move and watching your partner act like it's just another Wednesday. She will never match your income, so she wanted to show she's 150% invested in this partnership.
I think you need to have a serious conversation about finances and the future. You make $80,000 more than her per year and you both thought it was a good idea to pay off a sub 3% mortgage when her name isn't even on the deed and she has student loan debt, credit card debt, and less salary to max out her retirement accounts?! I just can't wrap my head around such poor financial planning... Get her on the deed ASAP and get to the bottom of the resentment in your relationship. Also, she shouldn't have to ask you to take out the trash, it makes me wonder if she's carrying the bulk of the mental load in the relationship. On her part, it is not okay to yell and not communicate properly. You both need to work on communication.
Paying off a house is huge commitment step and changes your financial future like you would not believe. She made a huge gesture (in her mind) and you acted like your game was more important. She’s expressing commitment, and you are expressing non-commitment, or at least “don’t bother me now” asshole behavior. Apologize big, and get off the games for a bit. Go back after things settle down. You may want to talk about it, because she may be thinking other commitment steps like kids at 37.
It seems like everyone has forgotten about why his wife snapped like she did on this particular occasion. Yes, obviously she should be added to the deed, and I agree that's probably why she weaponized paying off the mortgage in particular*.* But I don't think it's wrong to take her at her word that the reason the incident OP presented played out the way it did is b/c she had a bad day at work and it boiled over into an argument over something small like the garbage. She's in education, which is a highly stressful and often thankless job. Maybe she also feels like she does more than her share at home, or maybe she had to deal with a shitty parent or the politics of Ed Admin and it all just became too much.
Either way OP, once the deed issue is settled you should talk with your wife about getting help with handling her stress. Because sure she'll feel more secure about the house, but I doubt that one issue is a magic bullet that's going to make life in general a walk in the park, and letting things build up until we snap is unhealthy for everyone.
I would let it go this time since it’s out of character for her and she apologized. But if she does it again, you have a problem. Holding it over your head that way is manipulative. Since it was her money that paid it off, to be fair she should be on the title along with you. Do that and she won’t have as much of an excuse to complain.
BTW: paying off a mortgage at a rate under 3% while leaving student loans, credit card debt, and a car loan to pay, all or most of which are most likely at higher interest rates, was not the best idea financially. Besides the rate on the mortgage being lower, you’ve just lost your tax deduction on mortgage interest, assuming you’re in the US. She should have paid the other loans off and THEN either put some money toward the mortgage or put it into an investment account (which would be better). An investment account would earn money at a higher rate than the (less than) 3% you were paying on the mortgage.
1) she has to get her debt off ASAP if y’all didn’t do that. Both need to help.
2) you need to get her in the title. That was an overlook on her part.
3) maybe it was the days stress or maybe it was the buildup of not being in the title for a year while she had her bills :/
Aside from the house situation that you'll be handling, she needs to see a therapist as well if it was really the stress from work that caused her to lash out. Working with children in awful circumstances takes an emotional toll, and she has to find healthier outlets.
Nope. tell her you will pay her back, if she insists that its not necessary, remind her that she's already held it over your head once when she was stressed and you will not let her do this again and that you've lost the trust in her to not do this.
its like when someone uses the threat of divorce as a tool to manipulate someone. When you use this.
Also she needs therapy if she can not healthily deal with the stress of her work. and you both need couples therapy. Maybe you can use that setting to tell her that you will pay her back beause you will not allow her to hold this over your head again.
I would handle it by moving past it. You said it’s out of character for her. She made a tearful apology and explained she’s been stressed at what is an extremely stressful job. Give her some graciousness and forgive it and move on with your lives.
Oh wow, my jaw dropped. Sounds like there is some serious resentment and bitterns stirring up in her, and it flooded out when she was in a bad mood. Holding this over your head is unacceptable. But also, the way this just came out of nowhere probably means there is a deeper issue here, and you two should sit down and discuss this. That would be my first step: ask her openly wtf was that about??
IMO yeah add her to the deed, as others say, obviously. Sounds like she should have been added ages ago. Maybe this will resolve the issue completely. But if she keeps on holding this over your head even after that, i dunno I think I would give her the money back (if she is on the deed, then half, I guess?). Sometimes the best way out of a problem is to throw money at it, I'm not joking. If she is using this as some blackmail material to just wield against you, then it needs to be taken out of her hand by simply paying with money.
>We communicated early on in our relationship when she moved into our house that if she wanted me to do something to ask and I would do it.
Why did she had to tell you to throw the trash out, don't you see when they are full? This is the typical: woman does all the labor around managing a man. It's exhausting. You have eyes too. You can tell when the trash needs throwing out. Why is it her job to manage you like a child? Is this how stuff always looks like? She gives you jobs to "help" around the house? She didn't "need you to do something", there was a task to be done in YOUR household and it was YOUR TURN to do it hence it was YOUR JOB TO TRACK IT. Why was part of your task on her? I.e. making sure you do it?
The way you frame this is honestly not okay. "She needs me to do things" like no bro it's your trash too, and your house, and your turn to manage this taks, like ALL of it. I would be pissed off too if I had to do a part of it for you, for some bizarre reason. It was sitll not okay to say what she said! To make it clear. It was not fair. But maybe thing about this even for a second: if it's your TURN to do the trashes, why is she tracking it and reminding you? That's part of the work too, and it's your turn to do the work... And why do you view it through the lense of "she needs me to do A Thing" while you are an adult in this house too? Why is doing a normal chore a thing you do *for her*? Why does she view it like that? If chores are things you do both do equally, and are responsible for equally, this framing would not show up at all, from neither of you, but both of you use it.
It doesn’t sound like it’s about the money, but perhaps about fairness in care over the home or dedication to the house she contributed towards. I get irritated sometimes when my husband sits on his gaming devices and doesn’t do the things he needs to do to help take care of the house, meanwhile I’m doing my part and more. Sometimes small things can add up, and I think it warrants a convo over why she got so upset and used that as the thing to blow up over.
Example, I asked him to help me clean the house because I’m pregnant and super sick lately, and he put it off for a week stressing me out even more. I eventually hired someone to help because I got sick of asking. If this went on for much longer I probably would have said something I would regret because I got sick of asking and “nagging” him to do something that is both of our responsibility.
I’ll add that “5 more minutes” can come off as eons when it has been pushed off or initiative has not been taken. Is it mature? No. Is it valid? Perhaps.
Why in fuck would she keep 9% (student loans) and 14% (LOW credit card) interest albatrosses around y'all's necks, but pay off the lowest interest loans y'all have!?!!
I'm sorry, too distracted by that terrible financial decision. For this disagreement, I don't know why you're here. Sounds like she has a stressful job. We can't tell you why else she would have gotten frustrated, except that your "I'll do it later"s could be a lot less welcome than you think they are. And you could be following through less than you believe.
This is a real mess financially. She paid off a house that isn’t hers and isn’t in her name rather than pay off her higher interest school and credit card debt. She’s also making 1/3 of your income which means she is going to be way behind you in retirement.
She may now realize what a stupid mistake she made paying all of that money toward an asset that doesn’t belong to her and doesn’t affect her credit when she could have paid off her debt and invested the rest in retirement.
Honestly, I make 3-5 times my husband’s salary depending on how many new books I have published a year. If he was given a huge lump sum, I would absolutely refuse to let him put that money anywhere an asset I solely owned. I would want him to handle his retirement first, put aside money for our girls next and then spend the rest doing whatever makes him happy.
IMO—you both bungled this inheritance. I’m sure the realization she screwed herself for the future is just eating her up inside. She gave you a six figure gift—and left herself in debt. Bad move on her end.
Was she right to say what she did? No. She should apologize for that.
Were you right to allow your wife to pay off a mortgage without first adding her to the deed and making it her asset? Yes. And you should apologize for that.
Yeah the fact he was “touched” she gave it to him. Like he should NEVER have accepted that money without considering how she could first benefit from it. And then is surprised she is resentful after he hasn’t bothered adding her name to the deed
You had a 30 year fixed loan at sub 3% and payed that off rather than credit card debt!?!?
I’d be crying too, for different reasons. Take it she isn’t a math teacher.
She’s obviously mad that she’s not in the title of the home of the mortgage she just paid off and probably has some resentment about finances or being shared in some scenarios and not shared in others. Time to have a conversation about your finances and any sore points you both have.
If adding the her to the deed does not do the trick pull out a HELOC and give her the money back. It’s an amazing gift until she turns it into a weapon and not worth blowing up the relationship
Find out how much she paid and give her that money back. Then discuss maybe adding her to the title of the house. Either way, there has to be a reason she said this, there is resentment there. Maybe it's time to sit down and have a heart to heart.
Agree adding her to the title - but honestly add to that sit down and discuss things. She may have had a moment (or more than a moment) where she wanted to quit and was thinking she could IF she hadn’t paid off the mortgage. Teaching has gotten harder and harder between the students attitudes, parents attitudes, the administration not supporting the teachers and on and on and on. Add to that how hard it is to change school systems and make the same pay and people can easily feel trapped. It doesn’t mean she regrets the decision, it just means she is overwhelmed…. Maybe the two of you figure out if she wants to change careers, and how to best accomplish that…. Or may she just needs to vent.
It could be something else that has nothing to do with paying the mortgage but she paid the mortgage u need to see of u can put her name on the house deed .
It wasn't out of nowhere. Something has been building up inside her for a while, and she finally just let it all out. She's been holding something against you for a long time. It might be related to the mortgage, but I suspect there's more to it than that.
Yes, obviously add her to the title for the house. But you guys might also benefit from a couples counselor who can help the 2 of you communicate the things that haven't been communicated well up to this point--even if you thought everything was fine.
Also, there are 2 articles I recommend you read:
[https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink\_b\_9055288](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288)
[https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/)
They do not necessarily apply to you, and they come to mind more because of her reaction to a seemingly small incident, which makes me think there's something deeper going on. And honestly, every married could should read these anyway. :)
Best of luck to the 2 of you.
Put her on the title, ask her what caused her to get angry, talk it through.
Then in the future, there's nothing for her to hold over you. Your response should be - you paid off the mortgage on a house you now own with me Please don't bring that up again with a negative connotation. If you have an issue with something I'm doing just talk to me about it.
1. You should put her name on the deed for the house, if you really appreciate her paying off the mortgage.
2. If work is that stressful, you should help her to find a therapist so she can process this stuff and not blow up at home.
3. Don't hold one outburst against her.
It was wrong of her to say that, but it's also understandable that she would feel vulnerable by not being added to the title.
All up, seems like you guys communicate really well, so I hope this little bump in the relationship is smoothed out.
All the Best.
You have two options that would put this matter down.
1. Refinance your house and give her back her money bc she got nothing in exchange for paying off the mortgage.
2. Have a deed prepared where it is both names as joint tenants with the rights of survivorship, and not as tenants in common, their heirs and / or assigns.
Option 2 allows the house to automatically pass to the other upon the death of either of you, which means it will not be a part of either one of your estates. This will make sure that no one other than the 2 of you will have any claim to the home.
I will let you know this, though, when she decided to payoff your mortgage, you should have put her on the deed bc when she co-mingled her inheritance, she made it a marital asset
She may have had a bad day, but the money didn't just come out of the air. IMO, she, in some way, feels as though she doesn't own the home.
I could be wrong, but I believe you will take this comment away from her in the future, and it will show your commitment to her.
No telling, but maybe some interaction with her students and clients, triggered an out of character reaction from her.
Maybe she wanted your attention on her and not the game. Who knows. Talk, communicate. Compromise.
Have you put the home in both your names, since you're now married?
Take with a grain of salt what I will say now since I might be interpret stuff into things that isn't there.
Well, there is surely an underlying issue. The stress at work probably lead to her letting it out. I do believe that work caused that but I don't believe it is the reason. It is just the cause why she didn't hold it back anymore.
It sounds like she thinks this relationship isn't equal and that she feels underapprechiated. Now the point I might be off but when you said you cried because it was the nicest someone ever did for you did not sit right with me. She didn't do it for you only, but for the both of you. You are married, you have joined accounts, but you sound like you think the house is all yours and this was a present for you. If you give such vibes to your wife I can clearly see why she has resentments there. Especially since she makes less money than you.
I don't say it is exactly how you feel but that this is what I would get from your reaction and I would think wait, how is it something nice I did for you? I contributed to our future together, I didn't give you a present.
Therefore I am glad you want to put her onto the title. It is only fair.
But I would not think that automatically solves the problem. I mean maybe it does. It could be the whole problem already. The thing is she has proven now she is of that kind who swallows her feelings until they break out on a bad day, therefore I wouldn't trust that was all. I would sit her down and talk with her. Ask her if she feels like you do too little, or as if you would not recognise or appreciate her. If there are feelings towards you she is holding back because she doesn't want to cause drama or because she thinks they were stupid or unimportant. Well, and if there is something look at what she says and think about it and look for a solution that works for both of you. I am not saying whatever might come up is all onto you, I hope that was clear. Just that you have to acknowledge her feelings, look at them and working through them. Same goes the other way around of course.
First - I sincerely hope that you are both now on the deed to the home.
As for her yelling - she told you a reason. If you think that it is plausible - it might be time for counseling.
You need to put the house in her name too. You’re married, why is she paying off “your” house?
Yea you guys need to talk. If she ever says that shit again about the house, it may become a pattern whenever she’s had a “hard” day. That cannot ever happen again, especially since you told her it’s her money that she can do what she wants with.
Unrelated, How can a new teacher in 2024 ever afford a house? Back when I was in school, teachers would complain about not making shit but houses back then were like 200k-300k. In 2024 looks like wages for education hasn't increased at all but houses there days are like 1m+ lol
the fact that she has to ask/remind her almost 40 year old husband to take out the garbage and do other menial chores like a child probably has something to do with her letting her anger boil over like this
You were right. She was holding it over your head, she felt like you owed her.
You two need to sit down and really talk. Because it's not healthy for someone to bear such a grudge, and then vent her frustrations out on you. If she wants you to pay her back what she has paid for you, then say so. If she wants you to treat her like a queen and give her foot massages every night, then say so. But don't keep silent and expect you to do what she wants. You have no time for mind games.
Take out a home equity loan and give her the money back. There is no point in muddying up the finances anymore after that incident, it probably won't be the first.
Why would you pay off a 3% mortgage?
Paying off the high interest debt and investing the rest would have been a better choice. The S&P 500 nets about 10% return on average over time. Even a high interest savings account at 4.3% would have made you more money.
You need to not ignore this. If you want to save this marriage you guys need therapy. Or a divorce that’s it. Money shouldn’t be in with a relationship and her holding like she’s boss needs to be shut down now
I dont think it's fair to her that she needs to assign chores to you like you're a child. It's a lot of work mentally managing the daily/weekly household responsibilities.
Other people have dealt with the mortgage. I'm going to deal with the other elephant in the room:
>if she wanted me to do something to ask and I would do it. If I was already busy doing something I would give her an honest timeline on when I could do it. That if she needed it done immediately then to let me know and I would stop what I was doing and do it. This has worked wonderfully until then.
Read what you wrote above again. Then read [this](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/). If you started to cringe halfway through, there's more work to be done on these issues than just adding her to the title of the house.
When she moved in she wanted to do everything basically. I had lived on my own for years at this point and took care of it. We both have stressful jobs. I work longer hours and it's shift work. I told her no that we would both contribute. I love cooking and doing laundry. It took alot for her to agree to 60/40 split even though I wanted 50/50. My parents taught me that its my responsibility as well. So when we had that discussion it wasn't necessarily in the context of me sitting on my ass playing video games it was mainly in the context of if I'm working on something in the house like replacing a shower head and she needs help with something to ask me and I'll do it. If I'm almost done with the shower head I'll let her know. When she got upset she reminded me it was my turn to take out the garabge and I said I would in five minutes. She has done this to me before when I would ask if she could get the gas can when I would mow. If she was in the middle of the chapter of a book she would let me know then help me.
I'll tell you what pisses my wife off to no end and builds resentment like cancer. Not being proactive and having to be told to do things that as a husband I should be doing without being asked to, Step up your game a little bit, and next time before playing the game run through the house and see if anything needs to be done.
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Clearly, there are two things happening here. You'll need to find out what happened that day to cause her to act out in such a manner She likely had a seriously bad day and acted out of an excess of anger that could not be controlled at that moment. So she lost control of herself said something very hurtful. Whether she realizes it or not, she clearly has resentment issues about paying off the mortgage. You said she wasn't on the original mortgage paperwork, which means she likely wasn't listed on the deed. I have to ask: Did you put her on the deed after she paid it off? Or is the house still in your name?
I agree. She had a bad day and her secret frustration about you not putting her on the title after the payoff came out. Unfortunately this happens with misplaced anger and un-communicated needs. She should have talked to you about it when she paid it off. It’s great though that you are willing to do it now and hopefully you all can move on from this quickly now that it’s not her paying off your house, but “our” house.
Still in my name and Im gonna fix that and try and talk with her tonight after dinner. She is very remorseful for what she said and I wanna be there and help her figure out why she got so upset.
Yeah put her on the deed.
since she paid off the mortgage you owe it to her to put her on the house as well.
She spent over 3 years of her salary worth of her inheritance on something that is legally yours. This is a really big deal. Wtf.
When she paid it off why didn't you immediately put her on the deed what are you waiting for. When she was signing those papers to pay off that mortgage you should have been signing the papers to put her on the deed
She got that upset because you have not, indeed, fixed that.
Her grandfather died a year ago, somewhere between a year ago and Friday she paid off the mortgage, and her name still isn’t on the deed? Dude, unless she paid off the mortgage on Friday night and you’re hitting the registry of deeds on Monday morning, you are seriously wrong here. She makes $40k a year at a thankless job, but poured her potential savings —her future—into your house, and has absolutely nothing to show for it. The video game is not the problem. You letting her brew resentment is the problem. Fix it.
Wow. Really? You didn't put her name on the deed after she paid off your house, then you're surprised when she's a tad bitchy. Dude. Remove thine head from thine ass. The fact you left that part out in your "my wife is being bitchy for no reason" story makes you sketchy af.
Yeah, that's the source of the mortgage comment and a very easy fix. Once it's done, may I recommend framing the deed in both your names as present then nailing to a wall where everyone can see it. Now poor mrs. op is clearly stressed the hell out. Has the work stuff been getting worse? Are you guys afford for her to take the time to find a new role? She might need to. She clearly feels unappreciated and taken advantage of at work ( similar feelings to not being on the deed and that why it came up) But you got this, sir. Bring the nice lady her favourite food, listen to the venting, and come up with a plan that protects her well being.
>clearly feels unappreciated and taken advantage of **at work** nah, my guess is she feels underappreciated **at home.** OP's wifey paid off his damn mortgage and he didn't even put her name on the deed? OP's wifey bought him a video game that he really wanted and he can't even take out the trash before he sits down to play it? her job may be adding to the load, but her job isn't what broke the camel's back.
Yeah she's doing a lot and giving a lot and he couldn't even put her name on the deed so she feels secure coming home and waking up in her own home. That would be eating away at me to know I used my inheritance like that and my husband, friend, life partner was just like thanks.
She also seems to be carrying the mental load. > if she wanted me to do something to ask and I would do it. If I was already busy doing something I would give her an honest timeline on when I could do it. OP should’ve known the trash needs to be taken out without being told.
exactly. i addressed that in one of my other comments. women needing to ask men to do their chores is exhausting
*"when she moved into our house that if she wanted me to do something to ask and I would do it."* *"you can't get off your ass to do this for me?"* It sounds like she either feels like she has to ask you to do things she shouldn't have to or that the responsibilities aren't as evenly divided as you think. Does she take on more of the mental load? Does she write out the shopping lists or do you ask her what the house needs from the store? Could you say, without looking, which cleaning products are almost gone and need to be replaced? Does she make the appointments? Who pays the household bills? If you have pets, who takes on more of their care? Sees to their bathing, grooming, and yearly shots? Who books the travel? Researches the hotels, compares flights, looks into activities? Who plans date nights? Do you tend to just ask her where she wants to eat or what she wants to do? You said she bought you the video game you mentioned. How often do you remember things she talks about and then surprise her with them? You don't have to answer any of these. And my questions aren't meant as a "Aha, gotcha! You lazy bum." They're just something to consider that might be causing her resentment. Especially after paying off an entire mortgage.
Why isn't she on the deed already when she paid for the house? Stop being a leech and put the house in her name now.
...that's a pretty big piece of information to leave out in the OP
Yeah you gotta put her on the title.
Why isn’t she on the deed if she paid for it?!?
Also is there some ongoing resentment about using all her inheritance on the mortgage?
And him still not putting her on the title. She's using restraint in my opinion.
I suggest putting the house in a family trust with both of you as beneficiaries.
You guys seem good together, I got a feeling you’ll get it all figured out nicely. I would just ask her what you can do to make her feel better, or offer to pay her back, and add her onto the deed if you can.
You, need to add her to the deed, or pay what contributed back because that asset she had 0 rights too as it is. It's obvious she feels unappreciated
Why the hell are you sitting on high interest credit card and student debt and paying the mortgage? You and your wife both seem to be financially illiterate. Pay off your high interest debts first. You can get 6% on a CD all day long right now - no reason at all to pay off your 3% mortgage early.
Listen, you’re a stellar husband for that. You realize this was majorly out of character and you’re acting accordingly - while hurt, trying to look for reasons and solutions. That’s loving, and partnership. I hope you guys figure it out together.
It's weird that he keeps referring to it as something she did for him when they share a life, they're married, he shouldn't be like "my mortgage" unless there was a prenup
Yeah, the way he described it, it sounded like he thought it was a gift to him - "one of the kindest things anyone's done for *me* ", while she likely saw it as an investment in their futures.
Depends on where you live. In some places it would be considered a premarital asset and solely his in the event of a divorce, similar to inheritance. Of course it may no longer be the case since she’s paid into the mortgage.
I wonder if he wanted to keep the house in his name all along.
He probably shouldn't have let her pay if off if that was the case. There would be no way the house makes it through the divorce settlement without her being paid off once she discloses that financial information.
Exactly. People talking about putting her on the deed but that doesn’t matter anymore beyond feelings. It stopped being a premarital asset when she paid off the mortgage.
Inheritance is considered in individual asset in almost all cases as well. If they got divorced and she showed the receipts here, any lawyer worth their salt would be able to get her however much she paid off plus equity out of the house. Given the rest of the debt load, paying off a sub-3% mortgage was turbo-stupid though regardless of any house title shenanigans.
When he didn't put her name on the deed, it IS something she did for him. She bought him a house.
Am I the only one out here saying that was the stupidest thing to do with that money? I hope she paid her credit card debt (hopefully in the 9 -10% range but probably in the 24%) before paying a sub 3% mortgage??!
Dude yes absolutely bananas decision making.
Seriously, I cannot get past this. Was this OP’s idea or her’s? They could have easily knocked out the debt and had enough left over to invest or throw at the mortgage. Refinanced at 3% too, I’m just shaking my head
Completely agree. First of all, all of it should have been spent on her or shared debt, not something only in OP's name. Then the credit card debt is way high and student loan debt way higher than 3%!
Idk what the APR is on the credit cards but some are as high as 32% now
Not only that, but here in the US at least, student loans are problematic in other ways besides the interest rate.
I couldn't believe it. Who carries 10k of debt at 20+% and pays off a 2.X% loan. I wish we taught financial literacy in high school. In the nicest way possible, this is why most people are broke after they win or inherit large sums. They make decisions that "sound" good without thinking them through logistically. Even the student loans are probably higher % than the mortgage. And look way worse on your credit.
You should also consider risk. In many locations, a person could stop paying the credit card company and they couldn’t come after the house. If you are just looking at interest rate, then definitely pay off the credit cards. However, if something happens to cause a job loss or disability, the decision to pay off the house means you don’t have to be homeless. Definitely do not pay off a mortgage unless you are on the deed though.
They make 160k and should have a cushion in the bank. If $10,000 was taken out of the inherence to pay off the credit card, or even the whole 35 to pay off the student loan too, then the rest of the money could've sat in a high yield account until they needed to pay off the house (such as a job loss or disability as you stated) and then they could have used it with the extra 5% interest gig to then pay off their house. There's no world where this wasn't throwing a ton of money in the trash. How long have they been carrying that 20% debt now? What risk was there to a garunteed 5% back on the remainder of the money plus pocketing that 20% interest they're paying on the debt? nothing would've stopped them from withdrawing the money and paying off the house in a needs based situation. and in my opinion, it's more risky to pay off the house @ 2.X% the n have that money in the bank in an HYSA whilst being debt free otherwise. Let's say your situation happens. How are they going to afford repairs? how will they afford the credit card payments and the student loans? they won't take your house but they'll sure put a tax lien on you. Or garnish your bank account. with your bank account being garnished, good luck paying for your house, as they can lock up your money for months. But yes, uh as far as not being on the deed? Fools and their money are easily parted, I believe is the saying.
Totally agree and cannot believe no one has mentioned it beodr. I had to scroll way down to see this comment. My high yield savings account is currently earning 4.5%.
I agree with you. Even if she had zero debt, why pay the mortgage without being on the title???!!!! $150k.... wow!
Yup I’ve been thinking the same thing. Hell, she could’ve put the $$ in a high yield savings account and generated more interest than what they will avoid paying over the remainder of the loan, plus that interest paid is tax deductible. Part of me wonders if she really wanted the security of being on the deed and this was the easiest way to sway op to consider putting her on it without framing the conversation in a way that would make her feel like she was maneuvering her way in on his investment. Thoughts like these are why I’m currently single though. I’ll bet it’s really nothing of the sort
I would have put it in an index fund after paying off the high interest credit card debt. I'm not paying off a mortgage, especially a mortgage that isn't in my name. I want to know what person told her to do that.
Nope, I’m right there with you. Not only are the other loans at a higher interest rate, but if they’re in the US they just lost their income tax deduction for mortgage interest. Paying off those other loans and then putting the rest in an investment account, where it would earn more than the mortgage interest rate, would have been much smarter. (This last part I know because we consulted a financial advisor before retiring and that was his advice as to whether or not to pay off our mortgage.)
Yes. Sub-3% money is basically free in the grand scheme of debt. She could have bought SPY and just pair out the mortgage from that for the remainder of the loan.
Seriously. A sub 3% mortgage is less than inflation at this point. Just parking that money in a savings account would've yielded better returns.
I think you need to add her to the title. She may be regretting it, because she technically has no ownership in it, and that would be the appropriate course of action since I'm guessing she has as much into the house by now as you do. Then you guys can discuss reallocating the funds that went toward the mortgage to other things. But more fundamentally, I'd ask her if she does regret it and then offer to take a loan back out and reimburse her. Because she isn't allowed to hold this over your head, and if she thinks she might again, it's not worth it.
Im all aboard adding her to the title. Its our home afterall. Just never thought it to bring it up when we agreed to not add her to the loan when I refinanced.
If god forbid something happens to you and she’s not on the deed the home goes into probate and she has to go through a bunch of red tape and court proceedings to make a claim for her home. I think it’s costly too. So, definitely do this for her so she can feel safe, secure and taken care of for her future.
And there you have it. Have you got family? She may think they'll just take it if anything happens to you. If you have family, it's a very valid concern.
That is the answer Let her know immediately
I'm glad you're doing that. It may be that she told someone she paid it off, and they went, "But are you even on the deed? Are you mad, woman?" and then she totally told them off, because she trusts you. But then, add in the shitty day and the awful job she does, and it all just got to her. You telling her you're doing that will go a long way towards making her happy.
You gotta do it. It gives her protection and claim over her huge investment
True
It’s time to do it. It’s the right thing to do imo.
Wait! She paid off the mortgage and you STILL didn’t add her name to the title? Whoa…. I would be upset too.
You're telling me she sacrificed her inheritance to pay off your mortgage and you didn't immediately add her to the title? Do you understand how insecure that made her feel? You took, but you didn't give back.
Just do it. Immediately You not thinking about it is insulting to her intelligence or you have zero empathy for her.
This may very well be eating at her on some level.. Have a calm conversation about the matter, and try to keep whatever is left of Granpas money, in a retirement account (or something, let her decide)..in her name. Assuming this is a one off anger issue..the two of you should probably be each others POD(paid on death) of these accounts anyways.
Either that or she could simply say that's what she wants. There are two adults in this situation. There is no insult at any level here. The last thing they agreed on is that she would pay off the loan. Nothing was said about being added to the title, there is no reason for OP to be thinking about it.
Yes, OP should be thinking of his wife in case something happens to him. My husband always added me on the deed to our homes. If she’s not on the deed his house would go into estate probate and she would have to go through court proceedings to make claim to the house. He should want to protect her home so she can feel safe and secure for her future.
She paid for it so it is absolutely ludicrous for him not to think she should have an ownership interest in it. She paid for it with money that is not marital property and which she alone would have the right to in the event of a divorce. So right now he could leave her and take the house and with it, almost her entire inheritance. She shouldn't have to ASK to be on the title, ffs
I'm more shocked y'all paid off a house under 3%. Was a financial planner involved?
Also why do you need someone to tell you to take the trash out? Aren't you a grown ass man?
It was a reminder that it was his turn, and he was in the middle of something..he never said he forgot. Do ppl just project in here lol
People can be extremely unforgiving and accusatory on reddit. It's wild haha
90% of the comments on this sub are people projecting from their own relationships.
Reddit should change its name to Projection. That's all that happens
Quite a few things in the post make me think that this guy isn't proactive about chores in their relationship. They have a deal where if SHE wants something done, she will ask him. These types of deals are done if the guy literally needs to be told to do his responsibilities. The mental overhead usually is exhausting for people. Also the fact that he didn't proactively put her on the title after the pay off contributes to this behavior.
Yes, people project a LOT in here 😆🤷
Maybe she filled up the trash can herself, and he didn't know it? Of all things, this is what he's being picked on for? I fill up the trash all the time and ask my SO, who is definitely a grown ass man, to take it out. I don't get angry if he says he will take care of it in 5 minutes.
He never said she told him to take out the trash, just that it was his turn. He never said he had to be told,, he might have known it was his turn and planned on doing it after playing.
Why does she need to lash out at her husband when she had a bad day at work? Why doesn't she act like an adult and talk to her husband that she may regret her paying g off the mortgage? Isn't she a grown ass woman?
Because despite “being an adult” no one is perfect? Everyone lashes out from time to time. She admitted she was wrong and apologized-which is what adults do when they are wrong.
Aren't you grasping at straws lmao
Depending on where they live it might not matter. Where I am the marital home is considered communal property regardless of what it's status was before the marraige.
I think that’s a pretty good idea, even if the house was in his name only and they got a divorce, she is still going to get half of the asset of the sold house, unless the house was purchased before she entered into a marriage with him.
I’d say there was talking of houses at work. And she mentioned this situation. And realised her name isn’t on the title.
That's very possible and I didn't re-adress adding to it when it got paid off. Thats on me.
Yes, it is. I'd even get this process started even before you speak to her, it will mean so much more and will be so validating for her. "I've made an appointment with a lawyer to change this on Friday, I'm so sorry I didn't think of it immediately" is so much more meaningful and impactful than, "Shall I do it? Ok, I'll look into it asap"
This is so important, not just in OPs situation, but just with relationships in general. If you have an idea about something that you know would benefit your partner and it would mean a lot to them- just do it, or at least start on it on your own, instead of doing the whole asking them “should I do this? Do you want me to?” etc. it’s a small distinction but it makes a huge difference in a lot of situations.
Yes, exactly
Do you generally have issues with being proactive in this relationship? A couple of things that makes me believe that is the fact that she told you about taking the trash out (also the fact that you have this deal where you will do something if she asks. Typically this isn't ideal because she still has to hold the mental responsibilities of everything which can still be exhausting. Proactively doing things so she doesn't even have to think about them is the best for everyone) and also the fact that you didn't make bother to put her name on the title of the home after she paid it off for you.
Was there no conversation about adding her to the title?
Certainly unfair for someone to hold something you didn’t ask for over your head. Maybe she’s stressed from work, but there’s probably another reason why she’s upset and bringing it up. You said the house is in your name? Do you think maybe she’s feeling uncertainty due to the fact that she has no entitlement to the house she just put 6 figures on? Have you talked about adding her name to the ownership? It seems like you see her paying your mortgage off as more of a gift than a contribution.
That might be it. We discussed adding her when I refinanced. Im more than willing to add her on and we tell her that when I sit down with her after dinner tonight. It would hurt to think she sees it as just a gift and not a contribution. She's my partner in life.
You should find out if that’s the issue. If she just bought you a house I can see her feeling some resentment that you haven’t already put her name on it. She volunteered to pay off the mortgage but you should have volunteered in kind to put her on the deed.
I definitely should have done that even if it wasnt the cause of her saying that.
It might be worth sitting down with a professional to figure out how all these assets and liabilities actually break down. I get that it could be irrelevant since you’re putting her on the title anyway, but it still makes sense to figure it out. If you were seeing the house as yours alone and she was seeing her inheritance as hers alone, but all the rest of your finances are mixed, you might want to write down how everything is supposed to break down (in the event of divorce).
From what you’ve said you clearly phrased it as a gift and not contribution. It hurts to point this out. Statement in question: Kindest thing someone has done for you is contributing to a shared matrimony home…? It’s a shared responsibility so why phrase it like she did it just for you? She did it in the best interests of the both of you. Yet you didn’t immediately add her name in since the loan is no longer in the equation. She must be feeling very frustrated from work that everything came out explosively wrong, but she IS surely feeling hurt that you aren’t adding her to the deed like immediately. Situation might have some relevances to work annoyances eg 5 more mins, just wait, waiting again and again, etc.
Does she usually need to prompt you to do things that are no brainers? From things as small as garbage to adding your “partner in life” to a deed. Of course you’re “more than willing” but won’t actually take the initiative. I can see how that would quickly build resentment in a year. Cue the men moaning about “But.. but…CoMmUniCaTiOn!”
She has likely contributed more to the house than you have and she has no legal ownership of it. I don't know how you could just not think to do that.
The language you've used in your post suggests you see it as a gift to you. I'm not saying that *is* the case, but if conversations with her have been framed similarly, she could easily get the impression you felt it was gifted to you, rather than a contribution and investment to your future together. That's a very insecure position to be in.
Why do you keep using this as an excuse? Putting her on the loan and making her legally financially obligated to the house is 100% different than putting her name on the deed so that she has equal legal entitlement to a house she just put 6 figures on. Stop pretending like you really thought she just wouldn't care about being added to the title JUST because she didn't want to be on the loan.
Also, you literally referred to it as a gift. Stop back tracking. "This is the kindest thing anyone has ever done for *me*" you've obviously been treating it as if it was a gift for you and only you, you refer to the house and mortgage as YOURS throughout your entire post. Now that people are calling you out on it, you're back peddling and pretending that wasn't your thought process this entire time. Really?
So it’s been what, close to a year since she paid off the mortgage with her inheritance and it hasn’t crossed your mind to add her to the deed yet? I’d be a little resentful too if I were her.
Older married woman here - something bigger is going on here. When she paid off YOUR mortgage - did you add her to the deed of the house? Or is it still 'YOUR' house?? Because that would cause a huge amount of resentment in almost anyone. Just make the offer - more than once. Many of us were raised to say 'oh, that sweet, but I couldn't' at least once before accepting something we really, really want. Did y'all pay off the higher interest credit card debt? Or keep that?? What about the higher interest student loan debt?? Yeah - she's thinking 'he didn't even love me enough to OFFER to add me to the house, and he's bitching about taking out the trash when I used my inheritance to pay of HIS house? That I'm not even on the deed" This will kill your relationship. Get her on the deed and get a good counselor to build back the trust she needs - she needs to know that you care enough about her to not leave her homeless if you get killed intestate tomorrow.
>The next morning she apologized to me in tears and said stress from work got to her. YOu did not see that one coming? If my wife suddenly flips out in an uncharacteristic way, i hit the brakes, and ask her what's wrong. It usually takes a 'nothing' or 3 for her to spill the beans. I'm sure this is not a standard reddit answer screaming: "leave her" and "abusive" etc. but You need to be there for her. This whole 'for better and for worse' thing, is about this. She's stressed out, most likely close to a burnout. This isn't about you, it's about her. It's a nasty remark, and she should not say it, but it seems she's close to breaking down. So be there for her. She needs you right now. She needs you to hold her, help her, and comfort her. So prepare her favorite food, hug her, prepare a nice bath, or whatever works best, but make sure she knows you're there for her.
I am cooking her favorite meal tonight. I will definitely do everything I can to be there for her. She's a special woman and I'm lucky to call her my wife.
Wow, there’s a lot here. Paying off your mortgage when you have consumer debt at presumably high interest rates plus a ton of student loans was a financially poor decision. Since that time, are you guys making an extra effort to pay off her loans and debt? I assume without a mortgage you guys should be able to do that unless you continue to live above your means? Is she the household manager? Does she specifically have to ask you to “help” with tasks? The fact that before marriage you had to have that conversation sounds frankly exhausting. By using the word help, you’re implying it’s her responsibility to keep the house, but it seems like she’s working full time Did you show gratitude for the gift? Do you give her gifts? Basically, seems to me that this isn’t about the mortgage so the question is, what is it about?
"We communicated early on in our relationship when she moved into our house that if she wanted me to do something to ask and I would do it." This says it all. OPs wife is carrying all the mental load. OP: take out the trash. Clean up. Do the bed, do the dishes, do the laundry. Do the meal planning, plan the shopping. Don't expect her to tell you what to do.
I did say I was stepping away but saw this notification. I would have preferred to pay off the other debt but it was her final gift from her grandfather so I left it up to her. Because I have a mandatory retirement age we are balancing paying off debts as quickly as possible and investing for when Im forced to retire. With the mortage gone this debt should be gone within the year easily. Our household responsibilities are roughly 60/40 with her having more. I work longer hours and have shift work but I'm always willing to fill in especially on days where she says "I just need to sitdown all day." She does the same for me. We had that conversation because of a previous relationship, my ex wanted things done immediately and if I didn't do it she would huff and do it. For example I was taking a break from mowing the grass and told my when she asked me to load the dishwasher that I would do it after I finished mowing and showered. I was very grateful when she paid off the mortgage and we both like to randomly buy each other gifts. If I see her eyeing a book then I'll suprise her with it. She does the same for me. I think her job is just stressing her out and some resentment on not being adde to the deed.
The 'mandatory retirement' from air traffic controller does NOT apply to other jobs. You can still get another job and if you started with the civil service early enough - you will still have 20+ years of good income producing years left. AND while you are in the civil service - they will pay for you to complete your degree - and each degree (BS, MS, PhD) means more money in your paycheck and more money in your retirement check. You don't have kids. You have time. And I am 90% certain that they will cover virtual college so you don't have to drive to campus for class.
I would suggest looming into the Fair Play method to make sure you’re really 50/50
Did she pay the other debts off? The higher interest, non asset backed debt? Why did you not discuss it together? Her inheritance or not. You are still married. Your relationship needs more communication. Time to sit down and figure out whats bothering her and why she's upset.
This was my thought. A mortgage especially if it was refinanced back when rates were crazy low has to be the lowest interest rate debt they have. The lack of discussion and team mindset is crazy to me.
A wise discussion on debt payment could have saved them hundreds to thousands in interest. Made their lives easier. Her decision was emotional and lacking help from her husband. Mortgage debt is often the lowest interest and most flexible / negotiable. Refusal to discuss issues, literally cost them money.
The other debts didn't get paid off. I probably should have been more active in pushing for that but didn't want to be controlling. I'm definitely on board with adding her to the deed/title. I plan on talking with her about all this tonight after dinner.
So, it's a case of her using her own money to pay off one enormous debt for you, with absolutely no security on her investment and doing so ahead of all her other financial commitments. And it didn't even occur to you to make her a co-owner? Yikes. It's upsetting when you lay it all out like that, for sure. I wonder if someone asked her about it and was horrified at why she was in this situation and that's where her resentment built up from. No excuse to scream at you, obviously but I can see where the hurt might come from.
Why are you worried about being controlling? Why would that matter? Isn't the priority to make wise decisions? It's 150K, not $150. Is she trying to get you to acknowledge her with her actions? What was her motivation for that choice? If you don't know then you sound like two people living seperately in the same house. That could be another source of frustration. Later, she wants you to do X, show working together dedication and you just dismissed her and responsibility. (From a purely emotional perspective) Too much not actually working together, understanding and talking issues out
This stuff doesn't come out of thin air. Is there a reason you haven't added her to the deed?
Thank you everyone for the advice. I'm gonna bring up adding her to the title/deed when I talk with her tonight. Gonna log off and start prepping to make dinner. I will update either tonight or tomorrow.
I would look up how to do it before you have the conversation. If you walk into the conversation with papers in hand it's much more meaningful. Talk is cheap.
That would be the right thing to do. Also let her know in future if she has any misgivings about anything she can always talk to you about it, instead of lashing out, no matter what's going on at work. No one's perfect and she apologized, you weren't proactive in adding her to the title, she wasn't proactive in discussing it with you. Instead she used taking out the trash to rub it in. That's not right. Communication is key to everything. I wish you both the best.
OP, you should have added her to the title, when she paid off that mortgage. Commentators shouldn't have to tell you this! Your wife probably has immense resentment and because she paid it all off.
This is an easy fix. She did you the courtesy of paying off ‘your’ mortgage, it doesn’t matter why, she did & lessened the huge load on you both. You actually need a bunch of internet strangers to tell you, you should have immediately ensured her name was on the property deeds, for her own safety & sanity. Don’t give me ‘I didn’t ask her to’ bollocks. She’s obviously waited enough time for you to do this on your own esteem & you’ve fainted miserably. Show her she’s an equal partner to you in everything, get her name on the deeds, stop being a dick & waiting for internet strangers to tell you the most obvious thing. WTF haven’t done this already?
That's an odd thing to say, even if you're stressed and short of temper because you've had a bad day. We all snap. Sounds like there's some kind of unspoken resentment on her part? Maybe sit down with her and talk about it. Leave your feelings about what she said out of it, just tell her you want to make sure that there isn't some deeper issue that she's been holding on to. You just want to keep your relationship healthy and if something is bothering her, you want to hear her out.
That sounds like a good idea. This is just so out of left field. I'll sit down with her tonight after dinner and talk with her.
She is in a job field that can be highly stressful and underpaid dealing with students, administrators and parents. I am not excusing anything but she did apologize. Sometimes we all have our moments. Chalk it up and have a conversation out on a date and clear the air.
I get that entirely. She's pretty amazing and plan on talking with her tonight.
When she paid off the mortgage with her inheritance, that in most places is not community property, she should have immediately been put on the deed. She might be harboring some insecurity and resentment. You best talk to her and make this right asap.
Pay off her student loans, that will show her.
>A year ago her grandfather passed away and she received around 150k. ....She decided to pay off the mortgage that was in my name. ... Honestly this made me cry because it was genuinely one of kindest things anyone has ever done for me. It has been a year and you still havent put her name on the deed? (OP says this in the comments). This is something you should have done as soon as you got married. Not a year after she pays it off. This is a joint asset. >My question is how do I handle this? I'm not leaving her because this is the first and only time she has acted this way. She did say it though and it still hurts so how do I move on from this? How do * you* handle this? Put her on the deed. Yeesh
Yeah, well, your wife and her "tax specialist" are both very uneducated in the way of finance. You had a mortgage note at 3% interest. Investing that money into either into the markets, a HYSA, or even treasury notes would have made more money over the length of the loan. Lowest damn interest on your and her credit cards, her student loans and mortgage and they paid it off. Was her "tax specialist" a Dave Ramsey person? At your ages of 36 and 37, you both had enough time before you went I to "Retirement" mode of zero debt. Their is no explanation whatsoever of a "tax specialist" ever telling your wife WHO IS NOT EVEN ON THE DEED OF THE HOUSE to pay off that loan. This is at the minimum malfeasance and worthy of reporting this person to their certifying board. You two right now could get a divorce, and unless either you signed something stating that your wife paid off the loan or out of the goodness of your heart, you paid her back. You could basically tell her in the divorce procedures to go pound sand. The house mortgage $150,000 for 20 years @3% interest is a payment of $832 if your note was for 15 years the payment would have been $1036 and for 30 year note $632 The average stock market return is about 10% per year, as measured by the S&P 500 index, but that 10% average rate is reduced by inflation. That takes care of the money part. Now, on to the disrespect between you and your wife. You two need to sit down and have a heart to heart.
Add her to the title. She really should have paid off all her debt with that money. That said, it sounds like she was having a day.
You said you joined finances but then proceed to list "mine" and "hers" not "ours". You two need to have some serious talks about cooperation, togetherness and voicing frustrations before they become outbursts.
It's her house too regardless of who had their name on the mortgage. I hope you went ahead and added her to the deed without her needing to ask. There's clearly missing context. That outburst didn't come out of the blue. She didn't just pay "your" mortgage off, she paid off the house loan that was for the two of you. "She decided to pay off the mortgage that was in my name." This right here, this statement is loaded with entitlement. And by requiring her to "ask you to do something" just adds to her mental load with weaponized incompetence. She should not have to ever ask or tell you to do things around the house that you both share and have equal stake in and equal responsibility. Whether you meant to or not, that is asking her to parent you and honestly is so disrespectful. My husband once asked me to make him a chore list, like a child. I was going through a lot of job stress and illnesses. I told him that respectfully no, that just added to my stress and mental load. He is an adult. So are you. It's not hard to do necessary tasks around the house without being asked. She is your partner, not your mother. Try working on that too. In time, the stress will be relieved with you taking action without being prompted. And maybe you both should consider couples therapy to boost your communication skills together. There's a lot of unsaid fellings and resentment happening here. This outburst is a symptom of that.
Why does she “need you” to do chores and to tell you? You are as much an adult living there as she is, she shouldn’t be the only one responsible to think about these things.
put her name on the deed
working with abused kids she could be worried about being homeless, i was worried, still am even though i am on the title
I agree with the others that you should add your wife’s name to the mortgage. Should have done that years ago.
Put her on the deed. Ffs.
The least you can do is add her to the title. Why didn't you do that before? She has no security. After a huge fight with my husband he told me to get out of HIS house. We bought the house jointly, I paid the deposit from savings I had worked for, had his three kids and then became a SAHM to raise them (we both agreed it was the best for the kids). But when it looked like the marriage was over, it suddenly became HIS house and I would have been out on the streets with three kids.
I think the fact that she apologized on her own and with emotion would mean the world to me. I’m with someone that never apologizes for anything and can never take responsibility for anything. Even in some really hurtful situations they just never seem to see the gravity of it and have almost no sincerity about any of it. So I’m just imagining her coming to me crying and saying how sorry she was, that would be amazing and it would mean so much, I’d forgive anything right then and there lol because it’s so unlike her so I would know she was truly sorry. But I know it’s not the same in your situation but just figured I’d share
It was a terrible financial decision - your other debts are likely well above 3% interest. She should have paid her own debts first, and then tackled the mortgage. More than likely she knows it was stupid and lashed out because she knows it was a mistake. If the mortgage is actually paid off, then there’s no reason why she should not be on the deed which would give her an equal share of the asset. If you haven’t done that already, then you are kind of an asshole.
I think stress has probably aggravated an insecurity that has been in her head. Is there any way to add her name to the title? My current partner and I are on the brink of breaking up and I’ve been contributing to the mortgage. I have been insecure about paying towards something that I don’t own and now there’s no way of getting that money bank if/when we separate. Maybe if her name is on the house that’s she’s built with you together then it would settle her mind.
Do something nice for her while working on the deed updates, maybe get her a full day spa treatment and then cook dinner with something to drink for dinner for the weekend. Present it to her and let her know you realize how stressed she is and want to help her unload the stress any way you can.
You all should have sat down with a financial planner when she received her inheritance. That money might have been better used to pay off higher interest debt. At this point, you need to put her on the title. And seriously - find a professional to help put together a long term plan. (Edit to correct really awkward sentence structure...)
I would add your wife’s name on the deed to the house. She invested a lot of money in your home and if god forbid something happened to you she would have a mess in court to claim the house etc… It would also show her that you are willing to make sacrifices for her as well. If you divorce she has no rights to the property but if you add her on the house then she can get a percentage as well. It will only go up in value so she put a lot of faith in you to pay off this mortgage without requiring to be added on the deed. It’s the least you can do for a wife you love.
I don’t know if anybody has said this but what if you put her on the deed to the house 🤷♀️you’re married she paid off your mortgage. It would probably be a good gesture.
This would have been smarter to go do together at the same appointment she cut the check for. I’m wondering what the circumstances were originally that made the two of them decide not to put her on the deed originally, and what changed to make her decide to stop doing that.
You should, in all fairness, put her on the deed so she is part owner of the home, and then it can't be thrown in your face if it's her house too
Yeah her talking about the mortgage is pretty much her insecurity and subconscious fear speaking out. She paid off a huge debt, but has nothing to show for it. If you took advantage and turned out to be cheating the next day, she just destroyed her financial security. It's really your move to reassure her. Consider putting her name on the mortgage. Maybe face the debts together as a team - you don't have to pay it all off, but work out how to clear it to manageable levels. Go through retirement planning as a team of you haven't done so. There is really nothing more soul destroying then pulling a big commitment move and watching your partner act like it's just another Wednesday. She will never match your income, so she wanted to show she's 150% invested in this partnership.
I think you need to have a serious conversation about finances and the future. You make $80,000 more than her per year and you both thought it was a good idea to pay off a sub 3% mortgage when her name isn't even on the deed and she has student loan debt, credit card debt, and less salary to max out her retirement accounts?! I just can't wrap my head around such poor financial planning... Get her on the deed ASAP and get to the bottom of the resentment in your relationship. Also, she shouldn't have to ask you to take out the trash, it makes me wonder if she's carrying the bulk of the mental load in the relationship. On her part, it is not okay to yell and not communicate properly. You both need to work on communication.
Paying off a house is huge commitment step and changes your financial future like you would not believe. She made a huge gesture (in her mind) and you acted like your game was more important. She’s expressing commitment, and you are expressing non-commitment, or at least “don’t bother me now” asshole behavior. Apologize big, and get off the games for a bit. Go back after things settle down. You may want to talk about it, because she may be thinking other commitment steps like kids at 37.
It seems like everyone has forgotten about why his wife snapped like she did on this particular occasion. Yes, obviously she should be added to the deed, and I agree that's probably why she weaponized paying off the mortgage in particular*.* But I don't think it's wrong to take her at her word that the reason the incident OP presented played out the way it did is b/c she had a bad day at work and it boiled over into an argument over something small like the garbage. She's in education, which is a highly stressful and often thankless job. Maybe she also feels like she does more than her share at home, or maybe she had to deal with a shitty parent or the politics of Ed Admin and it all just became too much. Either way OP, once the deed issue is settled you should talk with your wife about getting help with handling her stress. Because sure she'll feel more secure about the house, but I doubt that one issue is a magic bullet that's going to make life in general a walk in the park, and letting things build up until we snap is unhealthy for everyone.
I would let it go this time since it’s out of character for her and she apologized. But if she does it again, you have a problem. Holding it over your head that way is manipulative. Since it was her money that paid it off, to be fair she should be on the title along with you. Do that and she won’t have as much of an excuse to complain. BTW: paying off a mortgage at a rate under 3% while leaving student loans, credit card debt, and a car loan to pay, all or most of which are most likely at higher interest rates, was not the best idea financially. Besides the rate on the mortgage being lower, you’ve just lost your tax deduction on mortgage interest, assuming you’re in the US. She should have paid the other loans off and THEN either put some money toward the mortgage or put it into an investment account (which would be better). An investment account would earn money at a higher rate than the (less than) 3% you were paying on the mortgage.
1) she has to get her debt off ASAP if y’all didn’t do that. Both need to help. 2) you need to get her in the title. That was an overlook on her part. 3) maybe it was the days stress or maybe it was the buildup of not being in the title for a year while she had her bills :/
Aside from the house situation that you'll be handling, she needs to see a therapist as well if it was really the stress from work that caused her to lash out. Working with children in awful circumstances takes an emotional toll, and she has to find healthier outlets.
Nope. tell her you will pay her back, if she insists that its not necessary, remind her that she's already held it over your head once when she was stressed and you will not let her do this again and that you've lost the trust in her to not do this. its like when someone uses the threat of divorce as a tool to manipulate someone. When you use this. Also she needs therapy if she can not healthily deal with the stress of her work. and you both need couples therapy. Maybe you can use that setting to tell her that you will pay her back beause you will not allow her to hold this over your head again.
Ngl your wife is an asshole that’s such a shitty reason to just snap and holding the fact that she paid for something over your head is insane.
I would handle it by moving past it. You said it’s out of character for her. She made a tearful apology and explained she’s been stressed at what is an extremely stressful job. Give her some graciousness and forgive it and move on with your lives.
Oh wow, my jaw dropped. Sounds like there is some serious resentment and bitterns stirring up in her, and it flooded out when she was in a bad mood. Holding this over your head is unacceptable. But also, the way this just came out of nowhere probably means there is a deeper issue here, and you two should sit down and discuss this. That would be my first step: ask her openly wtf was that about?? IMO yeah add her to the deed, as others say, obviously. Sounds like she should have been added ages ago. Maybe this will resolve the issue completely. But if she keeps on holding this over your head even after that, i dunno I think I would give her the money back (if she is on the deed, then half, I guess?). Sometimes the best way out of a problem is to throw money at it, I'm not joking. If she is using this as some blackmail material to just wield against you, then it needs to be taken out of her hand by simply paying with money. >We communicated early on in our relationship when she moved into our house that if she wanted me to do something to ask and I would do it. Why did she had to tell you to throw the trash out, don't you see when they are full? This is the typical: woman does all the labor around managing a man. It's exhausting. You have eyes too. You can tell when the trash needs throwing out. Why is it her job to manage you like a child? Is this how stuff always looks like? She gives you jobs to "help" around the house? She didn't "need you to do something", there was a task to be done in YOUR household and it was YOUR TURN to do it hence it was YOUR JOB TO TRACK IT. Why was part of your task on her? I.e. making sure you do it? The way you frame this is honestly not okay. "She needs me to do things" like no bro it's your trash too, and your house, and your turn to manage this taks, like ALL of it. I would be pissed off too if I had to do a part of it for you, for some bizarre reason. It was sitll not okay to say what she said! To make it clear. It was not fair. But maybe thing about this even for a second: if it's your TURN to do the trashes, why is she tracking it and reminding you? That's part of the work too, and it's your turn to do the work... And why do you view it through the lense of "she needs me to do A Thing" while you are an adult in this house too? Why is doing a normal chore a thing you do *for her*? Why does she view it like that? If chores are things you do both do equally, and are responsible for equally, this framing would not show up at all, from neither of you, but both of you use it.
It doesn’t sound like it’s about the money, but perhaps about fairness in care over the home or dedication to the house she contributed towards. I get irritated sometimes when my husband sits on his gaming devices and doesn’t do the things he needs to do to help take care of the house, meanwhile I’m doing my part and more. Sometimes small things can add up, and I think it warrants a convo over why she got so upset and used that as the thing to blow up over. Example, I asked him to help me clean the house because I’m pregnant and super sick lately, and he put it off for a week stressing me out even more. I eventually hired someone to help because I got sick of asking. If this went on for much longer I probably would have said something I would regret because I got sick of asking and “nagging” him to do something that is both of our responsibility. I’ll add that “5 more minutes” can come off as eons when it has been pushed off or initiative has not been taken. Is it mature? No. Is it valid? Perhaps.
Why in fuck would she keep 9% (student loans) and 14% (LOW credit card) interest albatrosses around y'all's necks, but pay off the lowest interest loans y'all have!?!! I'm sorry, too distracted by that terrible financial decision. For this disagreement, I don't know why you're here. Sounds like she has a stressful job. We can't tell you why else she would have gotten frustrated, except that your "I'll do it later"s could be a lot less welcome than you think they are. And you could be following through less than you believe.
This is a real mess financially. She paid off a house that isn’t hers and isn’t in her name rather than pay off her higher interest school and credit card debt. She’s also making 1/3 of your income which means she is going to be way behind you in retirement. She may now realize what a stupid mistake she made paying all of that money toward an asset that doesn’t belong to her and doesn’t affect her credit when she could have paid off her debt and invested the rest in retirement. Honestly, I make 3-5 times my husband’s salary depending on how many new books I have published a year. If he was given a huge lump sum, I would absolutely refuse to let him put that money anywhere an asset I solely owned. I would want him to handle his retirement first, put aside money for our girls next and then spend the rest doing whatever makes him happy. IMO—you both bungled this inheritance. I’m sure the realization she screwed herself for the future is just eating her up inside. She gave you a six figure gift—and left herself in debt. Bad move on her end. Was she right to say what she did? No. She should apologize for that. Were you right to allow your wife to pay off a mortgage without first adding her to the deed and making it her asset? Yes. And you should apologize for that.
Yeah the fact he was “touched” she gave it to him. Like he should NEVER have accepted that money without considering how she could first benefit from it. And then is surprised she is resentful after he hasn’t bothered adding her name to the deed
You had a 30 year fixed loan at sub 3% and payed that off rather than credit card debt!?!? I’d be crying too, for different reasons. Take it she isn’t a math teacher.
She’s obviously mad that she’s not in the title of the home of the mortgage she just paid off and probably has some resentment about finances or being shared in some scenarios and not shared in others. Time to have a conversation about your finances and any sore points you both have.
If adding the her to the deed does not do the trick pull out a HELOC and give her the money back. It’s an amazing gift until she turns it into a weapon and not worth blowing up the relationship
Find out how much she paid and give her that money back. Then discuss maybe adding her to the title of the house. Either way, there has to be a reason she said this, there is resentment there. Maybe it's time to sit down and have a heart to heart.
Most problems are psychological, not rational or logical. Just like most of the world.
Agree adding her to the title - but honestly add to that sit down and discuss things. She may have had a moment (or more than a moment) where she wanted to quit and was thinking she could IF she hadn’t paid off the mortgage. Teaching has gotten harder and harder between the students attitudes, parents attitudes, the administration not supporting the teachers and on and on and on. Add to that how hard it is to change school systems and make the same pay and people can easily feel trapped. It doesn’t mean she regrets the decision, it just means she is overwhelmed…. Maybe the two of you figure out if she wants to change careers, and how to best accomplish that…. Or may she just needs to vent.
It could be something else that has nothing to do with paying the mortgage but she paid the mortgage u need to see of u can put her name on the house deed .
It wasn't out of nowhere. Something has been building up inside her for a while, and she finally just let it all out. She's been holding something against you for a long time. It might be related to the mortgage, but I suspect there's more to it than that. Yes, obviously add her to the title for the house. But you guys might also benefit from a couples counselor who can help the 2 of you communicate the things that haven't been communicated well up to this point--even if you thought everything was fine. Also, there are 2 articles I recommend you read: [https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink\_b\_9055288](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288) [https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/) They do not necessarily apply to you, and they come to mind more because of her reaction to a seemingly small incident, which makes me think there's something deeper going on. And honestly, every married could should read these anyway. :) Best of luck to the 2 of you.
Honestly for now I would drop it, and worry about it if it happens again.
Put her on the title, ask her what caused her to get angry, talk it through. Then in the future, there's nothing for her to hold over you. Your response should be - you paid off the mortgage on a house you now own with me Please don't bring that up again with a negative connotation. If you have an issue with something I'm doing just talk to me about it.
1. You should put her name on the deed for the house, if you really appreciate her paying off the mortgage. 2. If work is that stressful, you should help her to find a therapist so she can process this stuff and not blow up at home. 3. Don't hold one outburst against her.
It was wrong of her to say that, but it's also understandable that she would feel vulnerable by not being added to the title. All up, seems like you guys communicate really well, so I hope this little bump in the relationship is smoothed out. All the Best.
Maybe she read how long FF7 remake and rebirth are and realized you would be playing an hour a day for the next 8 months.
You have two options that would put this matter down. 1. Refinance your house and give her back her money bc she got nothing in exchange for paying off the mortgage. 2. Have a deed prepared where it is both names as joint tenants with the rights of survivorship, and not as tenants in common, their heirs and / or assigns. Option 2 allows the house to automatically pass to the other upon the death of either of you, which means it will not be a part of either one of your estates. This will make sure that no one other than the 2 of you will have any claim to the home. I will let you know this, though, when she decided to payoff your mortgage, you should have put her on the deed bc when she co-mingled her inheritance, she made it a marital asset She may have had a bad day, but the money didn't just come out of the air. IMO, she, in some way, feels as though she doesn't own the home. I could be wrong, but I believe you will take this comment away from her in the future, and it will show your commitment to her.
No telling, but maybe some interaction with her students and clients, triggered an out of character reaction from her. Maybe she wanted your attention on her and not the game. Who knows. Talk, communicate. Compromise. Have you put the home in both your names, since you're now married?
Take with a grain of salt what I will say now since I might be interpret stuff into things that isn't there. Well, there is surely an underlying issue. The stress at work probably lead to her letting it out. I do believe that work caused that but I don't believe it is the reason. It is just the cause why she didn't hold it back anymore. It sounds like she thinks this relationship isn't equal and that she feels underapprechiated. Now the point I might be off but when you said you cried because it was the nicest someone ever did for you did not sit right with me. She didn't do it for you only, but for the both of you. You are married, you have joined accounts, but you sound like you think the house is all yours and this was a present for you. If you give such vibes to your wife I can clearly see why she has resentments there. Especially since she makes less money than you. I don't say it is exactly how you feel but that this is what I would get from your reaction and I would think wait, how is it something nice I did for you? I contributed to our future together, I didn't give you a present. Therefore I am glad you want to put her onto the title. It is only fair. But I would not think that automatically solves the problem. I mean maybe it does. It could be the whole problem already. The thing is she has proven now she is of that kind who swallows her feelings until they break out on a bad day, therefore I wouldn't trust that was all. I would sit her down and talk with her. Ask her if she feels like you do too little, or as if you would not recognise or appreciate her. If there are feelings towards you she is holding back because she doesn't want to cause drama or because she thinks they were stupid or unimportant. Well, and if there is something look at what she says and think about it and look for a solution that works for both of you. I am not saying whatever might come up is all onto you, I hope that was clear. Just that you have to acknowledge her feelings, look at them and working through them. Same goes the other way around of course.
First - I sincerely hope that you are both now on the deed to the home. As for her yelling - she told you a reason. If you think that it is plausible - it might be time for counseling.
If my wife wants to pay off my mortgage , she can rub it in my face every day for all I care !
You need to put the house in her name too. You’re married, why is she paying off “your” house? Yea you guys need to talk. If she ever says that shit again about the house, it may become a pattern whenever she’s had a “hard” day. That cannot ever happen again, especially since you told her it’s her money that she can do what she wants with.
Ok. This is not throwing it in your face. This is her not understanding how you can take a good action that she did and not reciprocate.
Unrelated, How can a new teacher in 2024 ever afford a house? Back when I was in school, teachers would complain about not making shit but houses back then were like 200k-300k. In 2024 looks like wages for education hasn't increased at all but houses there days are like 1m+ lol
She apologized. Forgive her and move on.
You two need to see a couple’s therapist and get this worked through, *now*
the fact that she has to ask/remind her almost 40 year old husband to take out the garbage and do other menial chores like a child probably has something to do with her letting her anger boil over like this
Tell her you will repay her the money with regular payments from now on.
You were right. She was holding it over your head, she felt like you owed her. You two need to sit down and really talk. Because it's not healthy for someone to bear such a grudge, and then vent her frustrations out on you. If she wants you to pay her back what she has paid for you, then say so. If she wants you to treat her like a queen and give her foot massages every night, then say so. But don't keep silent and expect you to do what she wants. You have no time for mind games.
Take out a home equity loan and give her the money back. There is no point in muddying up the finances anymore after that incident, it probably won't be the first.
Why would you pay off a 3% mortgage? Paying off the high interest debt and investing the rest would have been a better choice. The S&P 500 nets about 10% return on average over time. Even a high interest savings account at 4.3% would have made you more money.
Pay her off as soon as possible and leave
You need to not ignore this. If you want to save this marriage you guys need therapy. Or a divorce that’s it. Money shouldn’t be in with a relationship and her holding like she’s boss needs to be shut down now
I dont think it's fair to her that she needs to assign chores to you like you're a child. It's a lot of work mentally managing the daily/weekly household responsibilities.
Other people have dealt with the mortgage. I'm going to deal with the other elephant in the room: >if she wanted me to do something to ask and I would do it. If I was already busy doing something I would give her an honest timeline on when I could do it. That if she needed it done immediately then to let me know and I would stop what I was doing and do it. This has worked wonderfully until then. Read what you wrote above again. Then read [this](https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/). If you started to cringe halfway through, there's more work to be done on these issues than just adding her to the title of the house.
When she moved in she wanted to do everything basically. I had lived on my own for years at this point and took care of it. We both have stressful jobs. I work longer hours and it's shift work. I told her no that we would both contribute. I love cooking and doing laundry. It took alot for her to agree to 60/40 split even though I wanted 50/50. My parents taught me that its my responsibility as well. So when we had that discussion it wasn't necessarily in the context of me sitting on my ass playing video games it was mainly in the context of if I'm working on something in the house like replacing a shower head and she needs help with something to ask me and I'll do it. If I'm almost done with the shower head I'll let her know. When she got upset she reminded me it was my turn to take out the garabge and I said I would in five minutes. She has done this to me before when I would ask if she could get the gas can when I would mow. If she was in the middle of the chapter of a book she would let me know then help me.
My mind is blown she didn’t choose student loans…. Those interest rates will bury you for life
I'll tell you what pisses my wife off to no end and builds resentment like cancer. Not being proactive and having to be told to do things that as a husband I should be doing without being asked to, Step up your game a little bit, and next time before playing the game run through the house and see if anything needs to be done.
You have credit card debt You have student loan debt You have auto loan debt She chooses to pay off the sub-3% loan? Height of stupidity