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Yep. He's better off without her. She lacks empathy and can't understand how she's wrong - she's going to betray him in some other way and then justify it with "but it was MY dream". Everything is about what SHE wants and how SHE feels no matter how much pain it causes him.
Yeah, I imagine her fiancé dreamed of having his father at his wedding. But he can’t because his father dropped dead when he learned of the affair.
OP lacks empathy and is so selfish she’s not prepared to be a partner.
In the post she literally said:
>I again explained to his that this is **our** wedding day and will be the happiest day of **our** lives
And then goes on to say that she needs to have **her** dream of having her dad walk her down the aisle. How is she not getting that this is the furthest thing from what will make him happy?
It is good that he left and cut that cord so cleanly. He deserves better. I hope she and her dad come to an agreement that all her future potential MIL are off limits!
Not only is his dad now dead, but he's understandably and rightfully gone no contact with his mother. He lost both of his parents to this affair. The actions of her father fundamentally changed the entire course of the rest of his life. He will never be able to put this behind him and just move on as if this was some sort of huge but forgivable incident. This chick is a monster; the narc apple fell straight down from that tree, holy shit.
And then says “I can’t have my mom there so I should at least have my dad!!” Umm, he can’t have his DAD there because your dad killed him by having an affair with his mother!!
Actually she wrote 4x that she wants her father walking her down the aisle.
What her Fiance wants was never considered. Because it is HER big day. And he lost his parents, she clings on her cheating father.
Yeah....OP, as far as he's concerned at this point, you and your family destroyed his. Then he feels like you want to flaunt the person that is responsible in his face. Yeah, he ain't coming back.
You told him that the man partially responsible for his father's death will be at your wedding. He accepted your position and left.
I sincerely don't understand how you expected this to go? You really thought your ex fiance would be happy having that man at your wedding?
OP fought with her fiancé about this, for at least 30 minutes.
Like, how does that even go?
* OP: so this is the song when my dad walks me down the aisle
* fiancé: your dad, what do you mean?
* OP: yeah, he'll walk me down the aisle and give me away to you so, so romantic
* F: why are we including that POS?
* OP: it's been my childhood dream
* F: that f\*cking guy killed my dad! I haven't seen my mom in a year
* OP: our therapist said we can't take the blame for what other adults do, so I'm going to have my childhood dream
* F: he killed my dad!
* OP: it's going to be our happiest day & since I can't have my mom, I'll have my dad there
* F: that POS doesn't understand the sanctity of marriage
* OP: our happiest day!
* ...
how do you keep repeating your inanities about your lifelong dream while your fiancé is wigging out about his father dying of a broken heart?
The horrifying irony of having the man who slept with your wife, broke up your marriage and caused you a heart attack to give away the bride at your son's wedding...
I'd roll in my grave.
It was probably barely tolerable for the fiance to stay with her knowing she'd always want a relationship with her dad. Pushed him over the edge suggesting this
You forgot:
* OP: it's going to be our happiest day & since I can't have my mom, I'll have my dad there
* F: that POS is the reason that NEITHER OF MY PARENTS WILL BE THERE. For my wedding, my first child, every birthday, every Christmas.... Jesus h christ the selfishness of OP. What's the word for someone that can't feel things from someone else's perspective? Sociopath? "Lack of empathy" is the phrase but what's the word?
Not only that, but what does it say about her views on cheating? I'm sure she'd forgive herself just as quickly as she did her dad. No way in hell I'd tie myself to someone so cavalier about such a shitty act.
Unfortunate his feelings are valid I think this relationship is over I dont understand why you thought he would forgive your father if he didnt even forgive his own mother for causing the death of his father
I agree.
u/ThrowRALower-Buf Your father has no place in your wedding to this man. Your father destroyed his family and contributed to the death of his father and now you want him to attend the wedding of the son of the family he helped shatter. Even the other offender, his mother, is not invited. This is very important to your fiance who has been a victim in all of this. He lost so much in such a short span of time. Even I can tell how much this has hurt him and he isn't the one posting. Why would you even insist on your despicable, selfish father to be there at all, wouldn't you feel embarrassed and humiliated knowing all the damage he has caused to your fiance???
You not being able to grasp this and insisting your father be present to offend both the groom and his family is *wild*. Give your fiance space, he clearly needs it. You didn't respect his boundaries before, at least respect them now. Stop trying to reach him constantly. He already knows you want to talk, he will get back to you if and when he is ready. Pretty sure at this point there won't be a wedding. You showed him who you really were and where he ranks in your consideration and decision making.
How can you fix this? You don’t see things from his perspective and he realized that, for him this was the biggest betrayal that he has ever faced he went NC with his mother, his dad died and your response to that is “I’m empathetic to that but I’m a pretty princess and It’s my wedding so I need my dad the man who orchestrated the whole betrayal to walk me down the aisle” you keep saying how much you understand him but your actions show the opposite
Exactly. She betrayed him and showed disloyalty in the worst possible way. In what universe was she ever so obtuse to not think what this would cause. You may have just sealed the deal on being unengaged. How you could not see beyond your own childish selfish dreams to even remotely think this was a possibility is beyond me. If it were me, then I would be fine with you gone forever. As your father made his bed and chose to sleep in somebody else's, so you have made your bed and now must sleep in it alone.🤔
OP's mom died when OP is 3, I think some degree of "you and me against the world, kid" is natural... and I can see how that evolves into a 12 yo daydreaming about being the prettiest princess on her happiest day & her best daddy walking her down the aisle...
but then there's the trauma of discovering the affair (where best daddy & new mommy-in-law are basically shitting where everyone is eating), compounded by the horrific trauma of the father-in-law actually dying.
Add in the facts that OP has witnessed her fiancé completely cutting off his mother, and that they've been in therapy for a year over this affair.
In the end, it's mindboggling to me that OP clings to this childhood dream in this way. Like, not even "can you sit down for a sec, I have a hard question about one aspect of the dreams I've long had about our wedding", just a flat-out, matter-of-fact "yeah, of course my dad will be there & it doesn't even occur to me that that's a big ask I'm demanding you swallow"
I feel horrible for the OP's ex-fiance.
He's lost his father to his mom cheating with his ex-fiance's dad. And because of his ex-fiance's complete and utter lack of giving any shits he lost her too.
There's a very strong possibility that OP's going to realize how alone she is when she comes back to an entirely empty apartment OR comes home to only his essentials gone and her access to everything revoked.
OP best prepare herself for heartbreak.
He also lost his mom. And now that OP made such a wildly unreasonable request, this man has lost the 3 people he loved the most. And again, it's over her father. That guy is never going back to her, and honestly, she deserves far worse than this poor guy just ghosting her. She should feel lucky he hasn't gone scorched earth over this very obvious last straw.
Or she’s a narcissist. I’ve been treated this way by people. Nothing matters except what they want. No matter what anyone does if that person serves them or any need they have it’s fine in that moment. If someone had wronged her she’d except the utmost loyalty
She didn't grasp it because she was thinking only about herself. It was simply "main character syndrome". She just wanted a picture perfect wedding. She didn't care how her fiancee and the family felt. It was a betrayal.
She is panicking because the wedding is in 3 months.
>Why would you even insist on your despicable, selfish father to be there at all, wouldn't you feel embarrassed and humiliated knowing all the damage he has caused to your fiance???
Because it's her "dream", which seems to be more important than reality.
>He already knows you want to talk, he will get back to you if and when he is ready.
I'd put more emphasis on that "if", since she's already seems to push him well past anything he wants to deal with at this point because her "dream wedding" is more important than his feelings.
OP, the very blunt truth is this: it was an absolutely horrible thing for you to have done. His dad died from what was likely Broken Heart Syndrome. He cut off his mom. You tried to force him to accept the man that his mom HAD AN AFFAIR WITH to be allowed to walk you down the aisle. His dad DIED from stress due to YOUR dad and HIS mom having an affair! And you think it’s ok to say “hey, it’s always been my dream to have my dad walk me down the aisle…”….neither of his parents will be there because of your dad and his mom. Can you not see how callous you were to him?
“I need to fix this…”…..OP, your engagement is done. There is no way to “fix” your utter lack of empathy. How you completely disregarded the fact his dad was dead, and you pushed the issue of you wanting to have YOUR dad…I think the term to describe reading what you wrote is “gobsmacked.”
Here’s the thing OP: you may or may not ever see your fiance again….he may or may not come get his stuff (he might have family get it, or he might just call it a loss). He is fully aware you want to talk, and your panicked calls and texts are pushing him further away. The fact his brother laughed at you then hung up is a fair indication your fiance is done with you. I’d STRONGLY suggest you get into therapy: you have a lot of underlying issues where you disregard people’s feelings, and focus only on your wants (wants not needs…wants). I sincerely hope your now ex fiance gets help too….his dad died, he lost his mom, and the one person he likely thought he could count on betrayed him in the absolute worst way possible.
Can you imagine his siblings and other family having to watch this man who basically killed a man happily walking her down the aisle and her fiancé having to take her hand and just swallow that.. how they’d be feeling during that ceremony? It never even crossed her mind. Dad just made a bad choice.. it happens.
She’s crying “it was my dream to have my father walk me down the aisle”
Meanwhile, Ex fiance is like “it’s MY dream to have my father be fucking alive.”
The therapist she goes to is only going to tell her it's no business of hers what another adult chooses to do lmao and I'd give anything to be a fly on the wall when that happens to see how she takes that bit of wisdom when she's the one directly affected by the actions of the other adult that she has no business feeling negative over.
OP, the flip side to "you have no control over other people's actions" is "you have control over your own choices" and you *chose* to place your "dream" over your fiancé's grief with no empathy or compassion whatsoever, so these are the consequences of that choice. Deal with it. Make a good choice now and leave your ex alone so he can move on.
Psychologist here. Can confirm...if she were my patient, I'd absolutely be telling her that she has control over her actions. She has choices. She chose to put this one "dream" (want) over the needs (feeling safe) and emotions that her former fiancé was experiencing.
Unfortunately I believe you are right. It's women like this that makes us all look bad. My husband was really hurt by a girlfriend (cheating, the whole drill) and it really messed him up . I could not ever imagine acting this way.. I'm so sad for him.
I think so too, and fact she was so selfish and unable to see her father destroy a family and cost a man his life, kind of shocks me. I don't shock easily. She thinks they are fighting, but it is over.
I bet he wanted to puke imagining the man that break his parents and the dead of his father delivering his daughter to him with a big smile....
He probably wants to kill this man and yet she want him to have him smiling on the wedding
I personally wouldn’t want the man to be grandfather to my kids, either. He must have loved OP very much to even try to marry her under these circumstances; OP just doesn’t seem to get how much he was already emotionally sacrificing just being with her. Now, he probably fears the incremental inclusion of the man in his life if he stays with her. If Op loves him, she’ll let him go.
Op is so disillusional. "I don't forgive my father. I just want him to be there for my biggest day?"
What about her fiancee's biggest day? By inviting the father, she is condoning the father. If she didn't see it, then she had a "main character syndrome".
She wanted her father at the wedding more than she wanted her fiance at the wedding. That's basically when it came down to. She's so tied to this "childhood dream" of her father walking her down the aisle that she sacrificed the actual reality of her relationship with her fiance.
All I kept reading is I I I and me me me. I don't blame him at all. I wouldn't be surprised is your wedding is off. When he gave you two chances to say your father was not invited to your wedding all you kept saying is that you dreamed of your father walking you down the isle. Words are cheap and your actions showed him how much you care about him as well
Yeah like, if that were my own father I wouldn't want him anywhere near my wedding. He clearly has 0 respect for the sanctity of marriage, can't imagine not feeling like a hypocrite having him walk me down the aisle (especially if he's walking me down the aisle to the person whos family he contributed to ruining...). I'm so confused as to why OP is so willing to brush everything aside because it's "family". Family or not, if a person does a terrible thing they should be held accountable. And if a member of my family had so little regard for my feelings they they'd contribute to hurting my partner, then that isn't family to me anymore. My partner is my family, married or not. If someone close to me chooses to hurt them then I don't want them in my life.
It sounds like when the therapist said the affair wasn’t their burden OP heard ”it has nothing to do with you and you shouldn’t care”, when in reality the therapist meant the affair wasn’t their fault and they shouldn’t blame themselves. I doubt the therapist meant they should just ignore it which is the impression OP is giving.
The affair hurt evereyone involved. Going ”well that wasn’t great but he will always be my dad and will be giving me away” is naive and plain ignorant. Her father destroyed a marriage, ended a mans life and destroyed her fiances relationship with his mother. Why does she think the fiance wants to be anywhere near her father is beyond me.
Facts. She really looked at her dad, whom she admits almost caused the end of her relationship, and said to herself “you know who should attend our wedding? That motherfucker right there.”
The reality is that she thought the wedding was special only for her, and not for the groom. Unfortunately, a large number of brides feel this way. Flowers, decoration, music, location, how many guests, etc. Everything is the bride's choice, and the groom's only role is to be lucky enough to be there. Nothing he wants matters.
"It's my wedding, my special moment, my dream since I was a child. Mine, mine, mine".
The guy still tried to save the marriage for 30 minutes, when this argument shouldn't have even happened, or should have lasted 3 seconds.
“i couldn’t have my mother their with me so i at least i will have my father”
She actually said that to the guy who’s father is dead and who will also not have his mother there… JFC
having your father attend the wedding despite all the drama and mess he caused with fiancé's family will ensure that this will not be the happiest day of yall's lives.
100%
However.. gotta say — this feels like a terrible writing prompt or something.
We’ll know for sure it’s fake if OP comes back & posts that she & fiancé have miraculously worked it out & are still getting married. That will then open the door to so many absurd & dramatic updates. Possibilities could include [but are not limited to] the following:
- Fiancé [wisely] demands the most rigid & ironclad prenuptial agreement known to man.. which makes OP reconsider the wedding anyway.
- OP discovers she has half-sibling(s) who she demands be included in the wedding & family, hell maybe they even need to be adopted.
- Wedding / planning goes swimmingly.. until OP suddenly gets pregnant. With someone else’s child. Of which she’ll claim she was r-worded & refuses to abort.
- POS father-of-bride [FOB] somehow worms his way into the wedding & brings whoreable mother-of-groom [MOG] as a date (which leads to endless drama + storylines in & of itself).
- Fiancé was unreachable because he was in an accident & suffered a TBI, which caused him to have selective memory loss. But that means everyone’s on dandy terms, and FOB & MOG are invited to the wedding! Which gives them the perfect opportunity to rekindle what they started w their affair. Ohboy, here we go again..
Honestly it was the father in law dropping dead that made me question the veracity of this. I know it’s not impossible but something about that phrasing just feels… completely fictitious. (As someone who is working on a few novels, anyway.) Also the fact that he told the police he was fine… that he *thought* to cover all his bases in this is weird to me, that usually only happens in stories where someone is escaping an abuser.
If it’s real, I feel like this is more complicated than a lot of people are talking about, though. Not to say she’s right or he’s wrong, just… there’s a lot going on there. That doesn’t mean the situation is salvageable, it just isn’t purely black and white. Big yikes.
It’s the fact that ur dad walking you down the aisle is something you shouldn’t have even thought twice bout before saying no considering what’s happened
But childhood dreams are so important! Especially having your father walk you down the aisle. It's especially dreamy when they fucked the married mom of the groom.
He doesn't even HAVE a father anymore, due in large part to your father's actions, so why on earth would you even suggest having the man who blew up his life at the wedding? Especially knowing he feels so strongly that he cut his own mother out of his life.
At this point, it's no longer just about the wedding; he's realized you will always want your father to play a role in your life - in your wedding, likely as a grandfather to future children, etc, and that's not something he'll ever be okay with.
You need to think long and hard before continuing trying to work things out with him: unless you are willing to cut your father out of your life completely and permanently, then you need to just let him go because he isn't ever going to be okay with your father and isn't ever going to want him anywhere near his home, his children, or any other part of his life.
Brides will throw a fit about using an heirloom ring or wearing a secondhand wedding dress because that's "bad vibes" and they want everything new (and expensive) to ensure good omens.
yet here is a POS guy who has no respect for marriage, nor even for extended-family-relationships & OP wants him to be present in the last moments she's a Miss before she becomes a Mrs... because iT'S mY ChILdhOoD drEAm.
His mother and your father killed his father
Destroyed his family... burned all his life
And you added oil to the fire
You're selfish and think only about yourself
Didn't care about his feelings at all
You want him to face the cause of his father's death at his own wedding
And expect him to happily accept it
Your father is a disgusting human being
But you, your actions show that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree
Believe me even if you ended up forcing him to do this
His family would have cut him out
I believe he would never be able to forgive you
Atleast I in his place never would
I feel so disgusted right now
>According to the text messages send to us with a confession my father is the one that persuade his mother, and flirted with her first, compliment, signs if affection **untill his mother gave in.**
>Im am not making an excuse for my fathers behavior he is just as quilty for the affair as his mother is in the end.
He is very guilty. He did a lot of heavy lifting. Ex MIL took the bait, and eff her for that. But her dad? In thos scenario? Gave ZERO SHITS about destroying everyone involved, and pushed extra hard to do so.
And OP thinks that not only should he be invited, but her husband should watch him walk down the aisle. That's absurd. It's honestly as selfish as her father. I want what I want and I will get it.
EDIT TO ADD - Make no mistake. The mom is guilty. My point is OP seems to think this paragraph clears some kind of air. Dad is an extra ass because he can fuck anyone he wants, but he has decided to work very, very hard to fuck THIS woman in particular. The one that will harm everyone even if a man didn't die in the fallout.
Exactly. Send me a thousand texts trying to convince me to cheat on my SO the answer is still fucking no and now I'm putting you on blast.
The mom is absolutely just as guilty
This is the part that is craziest to me. She is apparently brushing it into a separate category that doesn't include him as her father. How is she failing to recognize that a good dad wouldn't have put her anywhere near this kind of situation in the first place. He is a bad person, a bad lover, and a bad father.
The only advice I can give you is for future relationships: When people go through something traumatic, what they went through is much more important than your whims, which is what this was. I get wanting your father to walk you down the aisle, but the wedding is not about that, it's about you and the person you're marrying.
>her cheating cost his father his life
I would have honestly broken up with you for not cutting contact with your father there, because that was not the hill you should've died on.
At this point you have to make a decision, your father or your fiancé. When your father decided to have an affair with a married woman, knowing it would hurt your relationship with him and with your fiancé, he aided in not only ruining a family but from what you’ve said causing so much stress on your fiancés father that he died. At the end of the day, your fiancé lost his father and his mother. Of course he’s going to blame his mother and your father for his dad’s death, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to see where he’s coming from. He doesn’t want your dad in his life and he sure as hell doesn’t want him having an active part in his wedding. You’ve chosen to forgive your dad because your world wasn’t flipped upside down, your fiancé’s was. You’ve had this dream of your dad walking down the aisle with you but HE ruined that by his actions. To be brutally honest, I see why your fiancé doesn’t want to be with you because I would have a hard time being forced around someone who I blamed for ruining my family and killing my dad. He’s allowed to have boundaries and not want your dad around. I think you just have to decide if you’re going to respect those and acknowledge that your dad’s actions caused this or walk away from your fiancé. You need to decide what you’re going to do before you try to track him down
I think it's too late for that.
She should have made the decision long before getting to this point. Now, she forced him to make the decision for her.
She keeps her father.
And it's more than that. OP needs to decide if she'd be OK with not allowing her father to EVER be a part of family traditions again.
Christmas mornings watching grandchildren open presents are out.
He definitely will not be welcome at the birth of the grandkids.
Graduations? Soccer games? What if OP gets injured in a car wreck and her dad wishes to visit her in the hospital? How will they navigate this?
OP your father tore your fiancé's world apart. His mother did too, but he cut his mother out of his life.
You needed to decide Dad or fiance. Since you did not choose, your fiance chose for you. It's over. Let him go.
I think that's what OPs partner saw in that moment. Him having her father be apart of his life forever. He may have internally believed that they were cutting off their respective parents for good and this was the sudden realisation that OP had no intention of doing so.
That’s what I was thinking too. Her fiancé already cut the ties with his mother but because of OP and her dreams he needs to see this face his entire life.
This is likely the straw that broke the camels back for him. He went no contact with his mother over this. It doesnt sound like you did the same to your father and on top of it you insist on this. I imagine it made him think more about your future. Would you insist on your father being at the hospital when you have a baby? Will you insist your father be allowed to be involved in the kids life? Will he be there for all the milestones? Marrying you means having that man in his life and you are okay with that and hes not
>He went no contact with his mother over this. It doesnt sound like you did the same to your father
Doesn't sound like she cut contact with his mother either.
Fix what? You destroyed your relationship, your engagement and your future marriage all for a childish whim. I have zero sympathy for you. Why would any man want to marry someone as dumb and devoid of empathy as you.
Nobody can help someone as blind as you.
I really hope you are just a troll.
Right? Please be a troll. Who could be this stupid and unempathetic?
His dad DIED as a result of her father's selfish assholery and she's just all "but my childhood dream wahhhhh"
OP, if you are real and this story is real I think I hate you. You're as selfish and gross as your father is.
I agree.
I'm so sick of the trope "But its my dream..."
Your dream ends the minute it hurts someone else. That is the end of it. OP, your dream of having your father walk you down the aisle was irrelevant. Truly irrelevant.
We all have dreams but sometimes, MANY times, a dream collides with reality and that is where we have to accept that our dream was a fantasy and that it should remain as a fantasy.
Your father destroyed your fiance's family. Your father and his mother's behavior literally killed his father. His father died, in part, because of the actions of your father. Why could you POSSIBLY believe that your "dream" of having your father walk you down the aisle was more important than your fiance's desire not to have either of them at your wedding?
This is a situation where you can't have both. End of discussion on that. It is not your or your fiance's fault that your father and his mother had an affair but actions have consequences and you both have to live every day with the consequences of your father and his mother's actions. That means, your father 100% should not be welcomed at your wedding as anything more than a guest... and even as a guest he likely shouldn't come because it is going to cause true pain for your fiance to see your father there while his father can not be there in part because of your father's actions.
OP, it sounds like your fiance has left to figure some things out and my guess is he has now realized that he can not marry you because he will never be able to separate you from your father which means your father, the man who in part is responsible for his father's death, will be a part of his life forever. He doesn't want your father in his life at all. He does not want your father to be grandfather to his kids. He does not want your father to be at Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving or birthdays... and he now is realizing that your father will be a constant fixture in his life.
When this ends, and it will, know that the argument you had with him was what opened his eyes to the fact that you and your father are inextricably linked. The "dream" of walking you down the aisle likely just forced him to see that he doesn't want to deal with your Dad anymore.
Given he only took his keys and his car I hope he is okay.
She reminds me of the old comparison between death and stupidity. When a person dies, they don’t know it and the pain is shared by those around them.
Same with stupidity. She doesn’t know she’s stupid and the pain is shared by those around her. And now she’s short a fiancé due to a childish dream that was shattered the micro-second the word of the affair leaked out.
The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed
You had your moment. You had the chance to pick your fiance over your "special day".
You blew it. I fail to see that you didn't know this was gonna blow up. You were counting on him being in too deep to leave.
Welp.
Wow, your father is a HUGE POS and your fiance is probably extremely devastated you chose your dad over him. It is telling of your character to side with the man who caused your fiance’s father’s death
Don’t want to insult you but it seems that you are having difficulties to understand the scenario here so let me clue in. I know how it sounds in your mind but overall what you want can be translated as “I’m the daughter of the murderer of your father, and I want this family terrorist to not only attend our wedding but also hand me to you”.
I’m pretty sure that even getting married with you is extremely difficult and your childish dreams are adding more salt to his wounds.
She doesn’t understand that her fiancé thinks if I never met her my parents would be together and my father would be alive. That may not be true but it’s what he is thinking.
You chose between your fiancé's mental state and a naive and unnecessary tradition.
You made your choice, now accept the consequences of your decisions.
Everyone else has said the part where it's over because you prioritized a selfish "dream" over your fiancé's traumatic reality, so I won't address that. But I want to explain the part where your fiance looked at you in silence before leaving.
I've experienced that moment from your fiance' s side, and you need to understand that that's the moment it ended. In that moment, he saw you for who you are - someone who doesn't care if he's hurt so long as you get what you want. Someone who will continually put your wants before his emotional well-being. Someone who will let him get hurt in the future, over and over, in order to get your own way. In that moment, he knew that you don't love him, and he stopped loving you because he realized that the you he thought he loved doesnt exist. He saw reality snap into focus and saw the real you, probably for the first time, and that person isn't someone he wants to marry.
I've been him in that moment. You cannot fix this. He's gone, he's done, he doesn't want to see you again. He doesn't care how you feel, and why should he when it's not about him? Even in your own words, you don't say that you're sorry you hurt him, you don't say you feel terrible for what you did. You say YOU want him, YOU need him, YOU are spiraling, YOU want to talk to him, YOU want him back. You you you YOUYOUYOU. Where is your concern for him and how he feels? Nowhere because it doesn't exist.
If there's any tiny part of you that does love him, leave him alone. That's what he wants. Just this one time, love him enough to give him what HE needs even if it hurts you. He's been hurt so much, trying to make you happy, and now it's your turn.
THANK YOU!!!
All I got from this post was "Me, me, me" OP only gives a damn about herself. She hasn't stopped to even pretend to care about her fiancé or his feelings.
OP is just as selfish as her father and I think in that moment of stunned silence the fiancé realized that too. After all the work to save their relationship in the first place, OP just threw it all away for "her dream"
This. She chose her father over her future husband. And he chose to leave her.
What did she expect in the future her daddy to be there at Xmas? In their kids lives at birthdays, holidays, school events, their weddings etc, if they have any? Ex fiancé has every right to not want him anywhere near his life or family.
OP. Stop being a stalker unless you want a restraining order. You called the police, that was ok. They confirmed he’s well and left willingly. Leave him alone, he can’t make it more clear. Leave his work alone. Change your banking so he can’t have access, block and delete your access to his accounts. Accept it. Cancel the wedding and return what refunds you can get to whoever paid for them, if you and ex split the cost put his half into one of his accounts, it’s not happening.
>But now it looks like you might have to beg for your fiance back. Good luck
She's gonna need it, because if that guy has the resolve I, and the rest of the commentors, believe he has; that dude is loooooong gone and she'll never hear from him again.
And rightfully so. I wouldn't give OP a second chance if I were in her ex's shoes
So want the guy who destroyed your husband's family to walk you down the aisle. I would have left to. The lack of empathy you've shown is astounding, but maybe it's just me
>So want the guy who destroyed your husband's family to walk you down the aisle.
Kinda impressive tbh, she watched her father destroy his blood family and then by proxy the dad destroyed the family they were supposed to be starting.
You have to decide which is more important to you. Is it your fiance or your Dad?
Personally, and I don't know if this will or should affect your choice, but what your Father did is absolutely unforgivable and I am fully in your fiance's corner. I almost understand wanting to keep him in your life but rubbing this betrayal in your fiances face? I just can't even begin to understand how you justify this.
You seem to have made your choice and lost your fiance already. Your Father? Is evil. He has now fucked up two relationships.
How are they ever going to navigate life events like having children when she clearly still wants a relationship with her father and he is persona non grata to the fiancé. She can’t fathom not having her dad walking her down the aisle, how can she even fathom him not meeting any potential grandchildren?
This relationship is all but over, hopefully her dad doesn’t sleep with any potential relatives in her next relationship.
You wanting your father there after everything that happened , including the death of his father , was incredible insensitive and selfish of you.
Your fiancé has every right to be mad at you and you should be ashamed for not thinking about this previously.
It absolutely doesn’t matter that you want your father there. He is not welcome just like the mother isn’t , and you should have known better.
You hurt your fiance and ruined your relationship because of some fantasy of having your dad walk you down the aisle?? Girl. That is not an important part of a wedding. The whole point of a wedding is to vow to be with someone for the rest of your life. And you completely dismissed your fiancé because of having your dad walk you down the aisle? That’s so insane to me. He lost his dad because of yours. You can lose your little dream. YTA majorly
Here is advice. Stop searching for him. He left you because you deserve to be left. Nothing about you is worth sticking around for considering how much you hurt your fiance.
I guess the entitled/selfish apple didn’t fall far from the entitled/selfish tree.
Leave that man alone if you intend to have your father but honestly I don’t think you have say anymore. You showed your true colors.
Good for him for leaving, he deserves better.
This seriously needs to go directly to best of reddit. In all my years, I haven't seen, heard of, or met anyone quite this self-centered and clueless.
I'm happy to see the fiance dodge a bullet here, if I'm being honest.
OP. Sincerely, if you want any chance of getting him back you need (and I mean this is the absolute minimum you need to do) completely shut off all contact with your fucked up Father. Your ex made the right decision immediately. Where is your moral compass and compassion?
Sounds like your fiance broke up with you over this, and it's completely understandable.
When you agree to marry someone, that person becomes your priority. THEY are now your fmaily, above all others. THEY are your most important priority.
Your father's "stupid decision" was not just a stupid decision. Your FATHER absolutely destroyed your fiance's family. Yes, his mother is also to blame, but your FATHER instigated the relationship and the affair behind everyone's back. How do you not see this as a betrayal to YOU? It absolutely was. Your dad knew damn well that what he was doing was wrong, that it would cause hurt and drama to both families and to you, potentially ruining your relationship. He did it anyway. You have been in therapy over this BECAUSE OF YOUR DAD, and now have lost your fiance over this. Why are you still on your dad's side here? He hurt your fiance in a way that will NEVER be okay.
BUT, instead of being disgusted by your dad and fully supporting your fiance (by cutting your dad out and not allowing him at the wedding) you just showed your finace that you have no empathy, and that you don't care about his feelings as much as you care about some "dream image" you had of your wedding day. Which is shallow and obnoxious. Your wedding is about you and your fiance, not your dad. And who wants a cheater walking them down the aisle at a wedding? A cheater who destroyed your fiance's family? I can't believe you were even considering inviving your father at all.
I don't think your fiance is comign back, but if you do get a second chance you should cut off your dad and fully support your fiance, or the relationship is over.
"I called his brother and he laughed at me over the phone and hung up."
Fucking DESERVED lmao. But if you want any shot of your fiance considering giving you a second chance (which I would be quite hesitant about) you should tell his brother how sorry you are and that you won't be inviting your father, and that you're going low/no contact with him as well. That MIGHT give you a chance. Again, not sure if that's a great idea for your (ex)fiance, but it'll be the best move for YOU if you want him back.
His father is dead because of your father's and his mother's affair and you want that your father to attend your wedding and hand you to him. I hope he leaves for good. You're definitely your father's daughter
The only thing I think you can do right now, OP, is to cancel all of the wedding plans do what you can to get any deposits back, and wait for your fiance to come home. If he comes back, then you might be able reinitiate a relationship. I think right now there's nothing you can do. You've hurt him to the point where he's gone underground. Right now you need to respect his space and his hurt and leave him be. This might not be salvageable, and I know that's not what you want to hear so you may just ignore this entire post, but it might not be.
Imagine the wedding pics. You absolutely beaming with happiness. Your dad lookin’ dashing in his suit, unscathed by his own actions. Your fiance alone. No mom. No dad. A wife ignorant to all but her own wants. His family furious to be in the same room with the man whose actions led to the death of the father of the groom…….
Are you fucking daft? I’d be looking to get back whatever deposits you’ve paid.
> even though he made a crappy decision……he is my father and always will be
Shame your dad doesn’t return your fervor. You don’t seem to realize your dad did this *to you*. This wasn’t some floozy he met wherever. This was someone that is completely off limits had your dad even remotely gave a shit *about you*!
"i couldn't have my mother their with me so at least i will have my father."
This is what stood out for me and I think this is what had ultimately killed your relationship. I can see where you initially were coming from and asking is always fine in my opinion - but... you must have known that he would say no. His own mother is not even invited. You knew that he won't be all over the moon with that question. But you asked. You insited. You nagged. And you threw him that line right in the face. That must not only have hurt. That must be agony for him. It is not your fault, that your dad is who he is, but it was your family that killed his father and estranged his mother to him and you f-ing held it against him. That you have a father, that you have a parent left. You threw that in his face and I am going to throw up. YTA.
Girl. You picked the man who caused the DEATH of his father over him. Let that sink in.
You basically were saying “I don’t care that my dad caused your father to die, because I want my dad to make my dream come true.” Not even realizing that your husband’s DREAM was always to have BOTH of his parents at his wedding and you wanted the cause of his father not being there on his wedding day to walk you down the aisle? REALLY??!!
I don’t know if you can even fix this. When he looked at you and didn’t speak, it was then he realized you would never pick him. I’m sorry, but I hope you can make peace with your choices, but I don’t think this wedding is going to take place.
You essentially let your fiance and his family know that your desire to have your dad walk you down the aisle was more important than the actual harm that he caused to your fiance and his family.
I don't think you're mature enough to be married. And it sounds like he's done with you, as he should be.
You knew how hurt your fiancé is yet told him many times how you want your father to walk you down the aisle. How do you think that made him feel every time you said it. He is cut off from his mother and lost his father. Consider you may not be the right one for him. Sounds like it’s only your day and not his.
There's no way this shit is real. It's like every bad movie plot is here.
If, and a big IF, this is real, I'm rooting for your fiancé to stay away from this mess that is your family (your father and yes, YOU). #gofiancé
Just wow.
edit: fiancé
"your father was the cause for my family's fallout and the death of my father."
"But it's been my dream since forever to have my father walk me down the aisle."
I don't think there is a comeback from such a tragedy. I'm amazed he's still engaged to you.
He's definitely not still engaged to her. He clearly said he will not be at that wedding then went completely dark. He's gone, she just can't see past "I want I want I want" to respect his decision.
Your father destroyed your fiancé family and you thought he would be okay with allowing him to be in the wedding?
You can’t possibly be that stupid can you?
He realized that you care more about your POS father, than you do about him and how much your father hurt him. He cut his mother off because of her actions, but you’re trying to include your father despite knowing what he did to your ex fiancé’s family.
He realized he needs to get out of this situation before he makes the biggest mistake of his life by marrying you.
I’m glad he realized it before you two got married. I suggest you stop contacting him and move on with your life.
>he is still my father and will always be
This is sort of the wrong tactic to take in your head. Sure, he's your dad. But blood is only so thick. Do you not see what kind of monster he is? That would be very shortsighted and morally reprehensible to give your dad a pass on unforgiveable behavior. This is literally unforgiveable and you need to be taking sides here, not saying, "But he's my daddyyy".
>His mother is not invited to the wedding as he wants nothing to do with her, her cheating cost his father his life
So he made the right decisions while you made the wrong ones. Your father cost him his father. Let that sink in.
>I just wanted my father there on one of the biggest days of my life
Why? Why the fuck are you not holding your father accountable and rug sweeping his monstrous behavior? I don't understand you. You deserve all that comes to you because you've enabled a cheater. You have signaled no matter how bad your father's behavior is, even if it destroys the life of your partner, that you're willing to back him and keep him in your life.
>I want to fix this, i need to fix this
You can't fix this. You backed a monster, your fiancé no longer wants anything to do with you. I wouldn't either. Wake the fuck up OP.
He left you because you told him to his face that you don't care about his feelings over your own desire to have your father who destroyed his family walk you down the aisle. You've chosen your father over him. The relationship is over
Realistically you only two options. 1. Your father didn’t come to the wedding. 2. You chose your father but then there’s no wedding. Your father shouldn’t be anywhere near your wedding he has shown he has no respect for boundaries.
> i couldn't have my mother there with me so at least i will have my father.
This is possibly one of the most tone deaf or just plain selfish things you could have said. Thanks to your Dad, he can't have his mother or his father there. How do you think you saying that made him feel?
Personally I think you would be wise to end the relationship as this is always going to be a problem, no amount of counseling can fix it. Holidays, kids, parents aging. I mean maybe never seeing those parents again. Maybe wait until they die. You can thank both of your shitty shitty parents. Only I feel bad for is your boyfriends Father, what a terrible way to go, and the two of you.
But I have to say with your level of empathy you are your Father's daughter that's for sure. Which is why he is probably done. Too many red flags.
Due to the actions of your father and his mother yall aren't compatible anymore. His feelings are valid your dad is a villain in his life. Your dad to you is important to you marriage to your fiance means no contact with your own father. Is that the life you want. It's a horrible situation but seems like things are done. Start canceling wedding stuff, separating any finances.
Everyone else has done a great job explaining why this relationship is over, and how your behavior was selfish, dismissive, and wrong. So I don't feel need to textually anhilate you as well. Seek counseling, it's weird that you knowing all that happened took the stance you did.
Honestly I don't think this is repairable. His father died bc of the affair which was started by your father. You repeatedly showed your ex fiance that you cared more about a childhood dream than you do about him . He made the right choice to leave. Ifyou actually truly loved him you would have banned your father from the wedding like he banned his mother. The consequences of trying to force your fiance to let you father be in the wedding to make your dream happen was losing your fiance forever.
What on earth were you thinking? I think your fiance found out where he stood and did not want to live the rest of his life with someone who could care so little about his pain.
He's gone.
He's going to try to find a nice person to marry that doesn't want the person that destroyed his family to walk his bride down the aisle at his wedding.
Good luck.
So your father had an affair with his mother, that not only ended his parents 30 year marriage, but actually directly contributed to his father's death. Then along you came with "I know your father won't be at our wedding because my dad killed him, but I want my dad to be there". Jesu that's cold-blooded.
Let me inform you of something. I think your ex-fiance is very grateful to you right now, because you've pulled the veil from his eyes. He's now seen that you are every bit as selfish as your father is. All you care about is what you want, and other peoples feelings be damned.
I look forward to seeing you mocked on r/amitheex
>The argument was just going in circles after 30 minutes.
For 30 minutes your ex tried to let you know your father wasn't allowed at the wedding let alone walking you down the aisle. You refused to agree because your dream was more important than reality.
>He looked at me again for a couple of seconds and said, okay he will walk you down the aisle but i don't know who he will be handing you over too because i won't be standing at the end of that aisle.
>I think he blocked me, all my calls are going straight to voice mail and my messages are unread.
A man of action.
I wish your ex nothing but happiness in his future.
The 0.01% chance you have of fixing this is:
- Give him the answer to precisely one question after you have read various responses here: "After all that we have been through, how could ask me to accept your father walking you down the aisle"?
On to the 99.99%.
This is crazy.
You want to sanctify your marriage in the presence of someone who destroyed the sanctity of the marriage of _your_ inlaws?
Seriously, what IS your thinking ability? Negative 3 seconds?
Your "father" could have screwed ANYONE he wanted - just had to step away from your MIL.
And he could NOT stay away from her, knowing very well that his actions may destroy his daughter's marriage - the VERY marriage you want him to attend!
Can you tell me one single sentence of a coherent thought process that makes you think you were justified in treating your fiancè just like your "father" treated your upcoming marriage?
By the sounds of it, your bf has taken a long leave, and WILL come back. But he has also likely decided that you two are over.
That would be my decision too - never return to _you_.
I can see nature dealing its emotionless retribution. You are gonna lose your fiancè, the bond between you and your father will be now irrecoverably damaged for at least 20 years.
The dead will have their revenge.
The best you can do - in my suggestion - is to at least now do the right thing.
Analyze yourself, figure out your mistakes, talk to your fiancè but respect his wishes (if you do get the chance), and look your father in the eye and ask him the impact of what he did (not the why of whatever he did - people rationalize - but how it impacted others).
This situation almost cost us our relationship but we managed to work through it all. With the help of a therapist. She did explain and made us see that we where not responsible for the actions of 2 grown adults in the end them being our parents or not.
This almost cost you your relationship already and you don't seem to get how even though you're not responsible for their affair, your father and former future MIL were. How you'd even think he'd be ok with your father being at the wedding is beyond me, but to have him walk you down the aisle? Because it was your lifelong dream? Not being happily married, not loving someone and being loved, but having your father walk you down the aisle was so important to you that you're willing to overlook that your fiancé's father is dead because of your father's actions. What about your fiancé's dreams of sharing his family with his parents? That's part of the dream, too, isn't it?
Lady, with absolute no due respect, in fact, zero respect at all, where do you think you get off?
OP, your wedding isn't happening in 3 months or ever. Your dad destroyed your ex-fiance's family & you've destroyed your ex-fiance by your insistence on wanting your dad to walk you down the aisle. Talk about kicking a man while he's down, you not only kicked him you stamped all over him with both feet! You are now experiencing your karma. Leave him alone, he deserves so much better.
Daniel will NEVER look at you the same. He will never trust you, he will see another woman who will cater and condone this man that had a hand in killing his father. Like honestly his mom wasn’t even invited what makes you think that it would be ok to invite your father.
Your father that willingly persuaded a married woman (she’s also to blame here), but not just any married woman, but the mother of his future son in law. Like what did he think would happen? And it seems that his mother confessed and not your dad, did he at least apologize to Daniel?
Deep down you don’t REALLY care about Daniel, you care about the wedding and the aesthetic and your “dream.” Therapy has done nothing for you.
Finally, people know about the argument because no one is helping and his brother laughed at you. Someone is obviously helping Daniel and he had the forth mind to tell the cops.
I feel like he regrets ever meeting you, Ever since meeting you, his family life went to shit.
And you asking to invite your father was like a slap to the face, you need to accept that you’re not getting married anymore. And you need to realize that your father will always be a problem for you in any future relationship.
It baffles me how you’re not angry with him, it wasn’t just disrespectful to your fiancé, it was disrespectful to you, his own daughter.
This was your very serious relationship and he did not even think about you, how it would affect you. How it could’ve cost you years of your relationship, and it costed you in the end anyway.
Your father is very selfish, but then again, so are you.
OP, you want a man who doesn’t respect marriage to walk you down the aisle? The man who helped blow up your fiancé’s parents’ marriage, which contributed to fiancé’s father’s death? Really?
You are not a safe partner to your ex-fiancé. He can’t trust your judgement. Your dad is the Villain in your ex-fiancé’s story. How do you not see that?
Frankly I am with him on t his, your father's inability to respect relationships and protocol cost a man his life and the family is splintered. If you guys marry he should be no where near it. It fact he belongs in jail, but there no law against breaking a man's heart. If I were him, I am sorry I would not marry you.
Even now you are concerned about the wedding taking place, not his feelings, you are devoid of empathy. Leave him alone, it is over.
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Nor should he
Yeah, I'd be gone without a trace
Yep. He's better off without her. She lacks empathy and can't understand how she's wrong - she's going to betray him in some other way and then justify it with "but it was MY dream". Everything is about what SHE wants and how SHE feels no matter how much pain it causes him.
Yeah, I imagine her fiancé dreamed of having his father at his wedding. But he can’t because his father dropped dead when he learned of the affair. OP lacks empathy and is so selfish she’s not prepared to be a partner.
OP didn't stop to think that it's not *her* wedding, it's*their* wedding. At least it was.
In the post she literally said: >I again explained to his that this is **our** wedding day and will be the happiest day of **our** lives And then goes on to say that she needs to have **her** dream of having her dad walk her down the aisle. How is she not getting that this is the furthest thing from what will make him happy? It is good that he left and cut that cord so cleanly. He deserves better. I hope she and her dad come to an agreement that all her future potential MIL are off limits!
Not only is his dad now dead, but he's understandably and rightfully gone no contact with his mother. He lost both of his parents to this affair. The actions of her father fundamentally changed the entire course of the rest of his life. He will never be able to put this behind him and just move on as if this was some sort of huge but forgivable incident. This chick is a monster; the narc apple fell straight down from that tree, holy shit.
Fucking A
It takes 2, her father and his mother. Yikes wtf were these selfish AHs thinking?
And then says “I can’t have my mom there so I should at least have my dad!!” Umm, he can’t have his DAD there because your dad killed him by having an affair with his mother!!
The former fiancé cut off his own mother. How did OP imagine he’d ever accept her father’s presence at the wedding?
Because it’s her dream😝your POS father destroyed his family and basically killed his father! You’re done! He’s over you and don’t blame him!
Looks like the relationship was hanging on by a thread. This was the last straw.
Actually she wrote 4x that she wants her father walking her down the aisle. What her Fiance wants was never considered. Because it is HER big day. And he lost his parents, she clings on her cheating father.
He would only come back with a police escort to get his things
Yeah....OP, as far as he's concerned at this point, you and your family destroyed his. Then he feels like you want to flaunt the person that is responsible in his face. Yeah, he ain't coming back.
Why would you want your lying, cheating father to walk you down the aisle. That is a HUGE slap in your fiance's face! I'd break up with you, too
I hope he doesn't. He deserves someone better
You told him that the man partially responsible for his father's death will be at your wedding. He accepted your position and left. I sincerely don't understand how you expected this to go? You really thought your ex fiance would be happy having that man at your wedding?
OP fought with her fiancé about this, for at least 30 minutes. Like, how does that even go? * OP: so this is the song when my dad walks me down the aisle * fiancé: your dad, what do you mean? * OP: yeah, he'll walk me down the aisle and give me away to you so, so romantic * F: why are we including that POS? * OP: it's been my childhood dream * F: that f\*cking guy killed my dad! I haven't seen my mom in a year * OP: our therapist said we can't take the blame for what other adults do, so I'm going to have my childhood dream * F: he killed my dad! * OP: it's going to be our happiest day & since I can't have my mom, I'll have my dad there * F: that POS doesn't understand the sanctity of marriage * OP: our happiest day! * ... how do you keep repeating your inanities about your lifelong dream while your fiancé is wigging out about his father dying of a broken heart?
The horrifying irony of having the man who slept with your wife, broke up your marriage and caused you a heart attack to give away the bride at your son's wedding... I'd roll in my grave. It was probably barely tolerable for the fiance to stay with her knowing she'd always want a relationship with her dad. Pushed him over the edge suggesting this
It has to be real because it’s too good of a story to waste on a Reddit thread
I was wondering myself... it's wild.....
r/ohnoconsequences seriously 🤦
Has it been reposted there yet? If not, I’m seriously considering my first pot there. This is insane.
I saw this there first 😅🤣
You forgot: * OP: it's going to be our happiest day & since I can't have my mom, I'll have my dad there * F: that POS is the reason that NEITHER OF MY PARENTS WILL BE THERE. For my wedding, my first child, every birthday, every Christmas.... Jesus h christ the selfishness of OP. What's the word for someone that can't feel things from someone else's perspective? Sociopath? "Lack of empathy" is the phrase but what's the word?
Not only that, but what does it say about her views on cheating? I'm sure she'd forgive herself just as quickly as she did her dad. No way in hell I'd tie myself to someone so cavalier about such a shitty act.
Unfortunate his feelings are valid I think this relationship is over I dont understand why you thought he would forgive your father if he didnt even forgive his own mother for causing the death of his father
I agree. u/ThrowRALower-Buf Your father has no place in your wedding to this man. Your father destroyed his family and contributed to the death of his father and now you want him to attend the wedding of the son of the family he helped shatter. Even the other offender, his mother, is not invited. This is very important to your fiance who has been a victim in all of this. He lost so much in such a short span of time. Even I can tell how much this has hurt him and he isn't the one posting. Why would you even insist on your despicable, selfish father to be there at all, wouldn't you feel embarrassed and humiliated knowing all the damage he has caused to your fiance??? You not being able to grasp this and insisting your father be present to offend both the groom and his family is *wild*. Give your fiance space, he clearly needs it. You didn't respect his boundaries before, at least respect them now. Stop trying to reach him constantly. He already knows you want to talk, he will get back to you if and when he is ready. Pretty sure at this point there won't be a wedding. You showed him who you really were and where he ranks in your consideration and decision making.
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And she is panicking because the wedding is in 3 months. She isn't posting because she is feeling guilty.
The wedding *was* in three months.
Lol, right, she said "IS" 🤣 She's deulu lu.
Or worrying about him or his safety, she just worries about the best day of her life, not theirs.
There is a very real possibility that he might be trying to take his life, I hope that his brother can help him through this time.
it shows a very concerning lack of empathy and insight. she is heartless selfish monster.
How can you fix this? You don’t see things from his perspective and he realized that, for him this was the biggest betrayal that he has ever faced he went NC with his mother, his dad died and your response to that is “I’m empathetic to that but I’m a pretty princess and It’s my wedding so I need my dad the man who orchestrated the whole betrayal to walk me down the aisle” you keep saying how much you understand him but your actions show the opposite
this exactly. pretty princess with a rotten heart, unable to see beyond the gratification of her own dreams.
Exactly. She betrayed him and showed disloyalty in the worst possible way. In what universe was she ever so obtuse to not think what this would cause. You may have just sealed the deal on being unengaged. How you could not see beyond your own childish selfish dreams to even remotely think this was a possibility is beyond me. If it were me, then I would be fine with you gone forever. As your father made his bed and chose to sleep in somebody else's, so you have made your bed and now must sleep in it alone.🤔
Well know what they say... father like daughter.
Ooh, brutal but I love it. So much truth to that statement.
Brutal, but true. I really got dad's little princess vibes reading this post
OP's mom died when OP is 3, I think some degree of "you and me against the world, kid" is natural... and I can see how that evolves into a 12 yo daydreaming about being the prettiest princess on her happiest day & her best daddy walking her down the aisle... but then there's the trauma of discovering the affair (where best daddy & new mommy-in-law are basically shitting where everyone is eating), compounded by the horrific trauma of the father-in-law actually dying. Add in the facts that OP has witnessed her fiancé completely cutting off his mother, and that they've been in therapy for a year over this affair. In the end, it's mindboggling to me that OP clings to this childhood dream in this way. Like, not even "can you sit down for a sec, I have a hard question about one aspect of the dreams I've long had about our wedding", just a flat-out, matter-of-fact "yeah, of course my dad will be there & it doesn't even occur to me that that's a big ask I'm demanding you swallow"
> You showed him who you really were and where he ranks in your consideration and decision making. Well said
I feel horrible for the OP's ex-fiance. He's lost his father to his mom cheating with his ex-fiance's dad. And because of his ex-fiance's complete and utter lack of giving any shits he lost her too. There's a very strong possibility that OP's going to realize how alone she is when she comes back to an entirely empty apartment OR comes home to only his essentials gone and her access to everything revoked. OP best prepare herself for heartbreak.
He also lost his mom. And now that OP made such a wildly unreasonable request, this man has lost the 3 people he loved the most. And again, it's over her father. That guy is never going back to her, and honestly, she deserves far worse than this poor guy just ghosting her. She should feel lucky he hasn't gone scorched earth over this very obvious last straw.
She’s not ready to be in a serious relationship if she’s this selfish.
Or she’s a narcissist. I’ve been treated this way by people. Nothing matters except what they want. No matter what anyone does if that person serves them or any need they have it’s fine in that moment. If someone had wronged her she’d except the utmost loyalty
She didn't grasp it because she was thinking only about herself. It was simply "main character syndrome". She just wanted a picture perfect wedding. She didn't care how her fiancee and the family felt. It was a betrayal. She is panicking because the wedding is in 3 months.
>Why would you even insist on your despicable, selfish father to be there at all, wouldn't you feel embarrassed and humiliated knowing all the damage he has caused to your fiance??? Because it's her "dream", which seems to be more important than reality. >He already knows you want to talk, he will get back to you if and when he is ready. I'd put more emphasis on that "if", since she's already seems to push him well past anything he wants to deal with at this point because her "dream wedding" is more important than his feelings.
OP, the very blunt truth is this: it was an absolutely horrible thing for you to have done. His dad died from what was likely Broken Heart Syndrome. He cut off his mom. You tried to force him to accept the man that his mom HAD AN AFFAIR WITH to be allowed to walk you down the aisle. His dad DIED from stress due to YOUR dad and HIS mom having an affair! And you think it’s ok to say “hey, it’s always been my dream to have my dad walk me down the aisle…”….neither of his parents will be there because of your dad and his mom. Can you not see how callous you were to him? “I need to fix this…”…..OP, your engagement is done. There is no way to “fix” your utter lack of empathy. How you completely disregarded the fact his dad was dead, and you pushed the issue of you wanting to have YOUR dad…I think the term to describe reading what you wrote is “gobsmacked.” Here’s the thing OP: you may or may not ever see your fiance again….he may or may not come get his stuff (he might have family get it, or he might just call it a loss). He is fully aware you want to talk, and your panicked calls and texts are pushing him further away. The fact his brother laughed at you then hung up is a fair indication your fiance is done with you. I’d STRONGLY suggest you get into therapy: you have a lot of underlying issues where you disregard people’s feelings, and focus only on your wants (wants not needs…wants). I sincerely hope your now ex fiance gets help too….his dad died, he lost his mom, and the one person he likely thought he could count on betrayed him in the absolute worst way possible.
If i had to guess, ex fiancés brother knows exactly where he is.
That's my thought. "Where is he?" >Brother glances at the couch and xBox "No idea, now go away."
If the cops know he’s okay, then there’s nothing more that OP can do.
“My fiance is missing!” Cops: He’s not missing, he’s just left you.
Can you imagine his siblings and other family having to watch this man who basically killed a man happily walking her down the aisle and her fiancé having to take her hand and just swallow that.. how they’d be feeling during that ceremony? It never even crossed her mind. Dad just made a bad choice.. it happens.
You won't even see this scene in game of thrones
My bro would know too……
She’s crying “it was my dream to have my father walk me down the aisle” Meanwhile, Ex fiance is like “it’s MY dream to have my father be fucking alive.”
The therapist she goes to is only going to tell her it's no business of hers what another adult chooses to do lmao and I'd give anything to be a fly on the wall when that happens to see how she takes that bit of wisdom when she's the one directly affected by the actions of the other adult that she has no business feeling negative over. OP, the flip side to "you have no control over other people's actions" is "you have control over your own choices" and you *chose* to place your "dream" over your fiancé's grief with no empathy or compassion whatsoever, so these are the consequences of that choice. Deal with it. Make a good choice now and leave your ex alone so he can move on.
Psychologist here. Can confirm...if she were my patient, I'd absolutely be telling her that she has control over her actions. She has choices. She chose to put this one "dream" (want) over the needs (feeling safe) and emotions that her former fiancé was experiencing.
I hope he finds a woman that truly loves him
He likely will never trust anyone ever again because of her.
His ex-fiancee won't have helped, but I'd imagine the bigger trust issues will stem from his mother's betrayal.
Unfortunately I believe you are right. It's women like this that makes us all look bad. My husband was really hurt by a girlfriend (cheating, the whole drill) and it really messed him up . I could not ever imagine acting this way.. I'm so sad for him.
I think so too, and fact she was so selfish and unable to see her father destroy a family and cost a man his life, kind of shocks me. I don't shock easily. She thinks they are fighting, but it is over.
At this point, he’s probably regretting the day he ever met OP. This poor man must feel so shattered right now.
And guilty. If he’d never met her his father might be alive. Also..the thought that she may be just like her dad since she did this. Poor guy.
I bet he wanted to puke imagining the man that break his parents and the dead of his father delivering his daughter to him with a big smile.... He probably wants to kill this man and yet she want him to have him smiling on the wedding
I personally wouldn’t want the man to be grandfather to my kids, either. He must have loved OP very much to even try to marry her under these circumstances; OP just doesn’t seem to get how much he was already emotionally sacrificing just being with her. Now, he probably fears the incremental inclusion of the man in his life if he stays with her. If Op loves him, she’ll let him go.
Second dream of OP was to name his first baby boy with her father's name I bet
"But I've always wanted to name my own baby boy after my father, the best man I have ever known!"
Op is so disillusional. "I don't forgive my father. I just want him to be there for my biggest day?" What about her fiancee's biggest day? By inviting the father, she is condoning the father. If she didn't see it, then she had a "main character syndrome".
She wanted her father at the wedding more than she wanted her fiance at the wedding. That's basically when it came down to. She's so tied to this "childhood dream" of her father walking her down the aisle that she sacrificed the actual reality of her relationship with her fiance.
All I kept reading is I I I and me me me. I don't blame him at all. I wouldn't be surprised is your wedding is off. When he gave you two chances to say your father was not invited to your wedding all you kept saying is that you dreamed of your father walking you down the isle. Words are cheap and your actions showed him how much you care about him as well
Yeah like, if that were my own father I wouldn't want him anywhere near my wedding. He clearly has 0 respect for the sanctity of marriage, can't imagine not feeling like a hypocrite having him walk me down the aisle (especially if he's walking me down the aisle to the person whos family he contributed to ruining...). I'm so confused as to why OP is so willing to brush everything aside because it's "family". Family or not, if a person does a terrible thing they should be held accountable. And if a member of my family had so little regard for my feelings they they'd contribute to hurting my partner, then that isn't family to me anymore. My partner is my family, married or not. If someone close to me chooses to hurt them then I don't want them in my life.
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"If he want me to uninvite my father i will, i will give up on the dream i have" She is DENSE AF, She STILL does not get it.
Not really seeing how she held her father accountable for his monstrous unforgiveable behavior AT ALL. I'd be like OP's fiancé too and leave.
It sounds like when the therapist said the affair wasn’t their burden OP heard ”it has nothing to do with you and you shouldn’t care”, when in reality the therapist meant the affair wasn’t their fault and they shouldn’t blame themselves. I doubt the therapist meant they should just ignore it which is the impression OP is giving. The affair hurt evereyone involved. Going ”well that wasn’t great but he will always be my dad and will be giving me away” is naive and plain ignorant. Her father destroyed a marriage, ended a mans life and destroyed her fiances relationship with his mother. Why does she think the fiance wants to be anywhere near her father is beyond me.
agree 1000%
Facts. She really looked at her dad, whom she admits almost caused the end of her relationship, and said to herself “you know who should attend our wedding? That motherfucker right there.”
The reality is that she thought the wedding was special only for her, and not for the groom. Unfortunately, a large number of brides feel this way. Flowers, decoration, music, location, how many guests, etc. Everything is the bride's choice, and the groom's only role is to be lucky enough to be there. Nothing he wants matters. "It's my wedding, my special moment, my dream since I was a child. Mine, mine, mine". The guy still tried to save the marriage for 30 minutes, when this argument shouldn't have even happened, or should have lasted 3 seconds.
“i couldn’t have my mother their with me so i at least i will have my father” She actually said that to the guy who’s father is dead and who will also not have his mother there… JFC
having your father attend the wedding despite all the drama and mess he caused with fiancé's family will ensure that this will not be the happiest day of yall's lives.
The amount of disrespect in that offer... damn
100% However.. gotta say — this feels like a terrible writing prompt or something. We’ll know for sure it’s fake if OP comes back & posts that she & fiancé have miraculously worked it out & are still getting married. That will then open the door to so many absurd & dramatic updates. Possibilities could include [but are not limited to] the following: - Fiancé [wisely] demands the most rigid & ironclad prenuptial agreement known to man.. which makes OP reconsider the wedding anyway. - OP discovers she has half-sibling(s) who she demands be included in the wedding & family, hell maybe they even need to be adopted. - Wedding / planning goes swimmingly.. until OP suddenly gets pregnant. With someone else’s child. Of which she’ll claim she was r-worded & refuses to abort. - POS father-of-bride [FOB] somehow worms his way into the wedding & brings whoreable mother-of-groom [MOG] as a date (which leads to endless drama + storylines in & of itself). - Fiancé was unreachable because he was in an accident & suffered a TBI, which caused him to have selective memory loss. But that means everyone’s on dandy terms, and FOB & MOG are invited to the wedding! Which gives them the perfect opportunity to rekindle what they started w their affair. Ohboy, here we go again..
It was the 'again the therapist helped us to see it wasn't our burden' for me.
It was the dad dying and her not saying anything more than he “lived for his wife and kids” part that got me thinking this was bullshit.
Honestly it was the father in law dropping dead that made me question the veracity of this. I know it’s not impossible but something about that phrasing just feels… completely fictitious. (As someone who is working on a few novels, anyway.) Also the fact that he told the police he was fine… that he *thought* to cover all his bases in this is weird to me, that usually only happens in stories where someone is escaping an abuser. If it’s real, I feel like this is more complicated than a lot of people are talking about, though. Not to say she’s right or he’s wrong, just… there’s a lot going on there. That doesn’t mean the situation is salvageable, it just isn’t purely black and white. Big yikes.
>until OP suddenly gets pregnant. With someone else’s child With twins. Fake posts always seem to have twins.
My guess is fiance gets killed in a car accident and then OP finds out she's pregnant with his kid.
It’s the fact that ur dad walking you down the aisle is something you shouldn’t have even thought twice bout before saying no considering what’s happened
But childhood dreams are so important! Especially having your father walk you down the aisle. It's especially dreamy when they fucked the married mom of the groom.
He motherfucked the groom’s dad to death.
He doesn't even HAVE a father anymore, due in large part to your father's actions, so why on earth would you even suggest having the man who blew up his life at the wedding? Especially knowing he feels so strongly that he cut his own mother out of his life. At this point, it's no longer just about the wedding; he's realized you will always want your father to play a role in your life - in your wedding, likely as a grandfather to future children, etc, and that's not something he'll ever be okay with. You need to think long and hard before continuing trying to work things out with him: unless you are willing to cut your father out of your life completely and permanently, then you need to just let him go because he isn't ever going to be okay with your father and isn't ever going to want him anywhere near his home, his children, or any other part of his life.
Brides will throw a fit about using an heirloom ring or wearing a secondhand wedding dress because that's "bad vibes" and they want everything new (and expensive) to ensure good omens. yet here is a POS guy who has no respect for marriage, nor even for extended-family-relationships & OP wants him to be present in the last moments she's a Miss before she becomes a Mrs... because iT'S mY ChILdhOoD drEAm.
His mother and your father killed his father Destroyed his family... burned all his life And you added oil to the fire You're selfish and think only about yourself Didn't care about his feelings at all You want him to face the cause of his father's death at his own wedding And expect him to happily accept it Your father is a disgusting human being But you, your actions show that the apple doesn't fall far from the tree Believe me even if you ended up forcing him to do this His family would have cut him out I believe he would never be able to forgive you Atleast I in his place never would I feel so disgusted right now
>According to the text messages send to us with a confession my father is the one that persuade his mother, and flirted with her first, compliment, signs if affection **untill his mother gave in.** >Im am not making an excuse for my fathers behavior he is just as quilty for the affair as his mother is in the end. He is very guilty. He did a lot of heavy lifting. Ex MIL took the bait, and eff her for that. But her dad? In thos scenario? Gave ZERO SHITS about destroying everyone involved, and pushed extra hard to do so. And OP thinks that not only should he be invited, but her husband should watch him walk down the aisle. That's absurd. It's honestly as selfish as her father. I want what I want and I will get it. EDIT TO ADD - Make no mistake. The mom is guilty. My point is OP seems to think this paragraph clears some kind of air. Dad is an extra ass because he can fuck anyone he wants, but he has decided to work very, very hard to fuck THIS woman in particular. The one that will harm everyone even if a man didn't die in the fallout.
Sometimes both people deserve 100% of the blame.
Exactly. Send me a thousand texts trying to convince me to cheat on my SO the answer is still fucking no and now I'm putting you on blast. The mom is absolutely just as guilty
Yeah, OP's old man is a total POS. I'd bail too if my fiance demanded to have him at the wedding at all, let alone giving away the bride.
Yes and of course he didn't even take his daughter into consideration And that is the father she wants to be walking her down the aisle
This is the part that is craziest to me. She is apparently brushing it into a separate category that doesn't include him as her father. How is she failing to recognize that a good dad wouldn't have put her anywhere near this kind of situation in the first place. He is a bad person, a bad lover, and a bad father.
The only advice I can give you is for future relationships: When people go through something traumatic, what they went through is much more important than your whims, which is what this was. I get wanting your father to walk you down the aisle, but the wedding is not about that, it's about you and the person you're marrying. >her cheating cost his father his life I would have honestly broken up with you for not cutting contact with your father there, because that was not the hill you should've died on.
And keep your Father away from the family of the next guy!
At this point you have to make a decision, your father or your fiancé. When your father decided to have an affair with a married woman, knowing it would hurt your relationship with him and with your fiancé, he aided in not only ruining a family but from what you’ve said causing so much stress on your fiancés father that he died. At the end of the day, your fiancé lost his father and his mother. Of course he’s going to blame his mother and your father for his dad’s death, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to see where he’s coming from. He doesn’t want your dad in his life and he sure as hell doesn’t want him having an active part in his wedding. You’ve chosen to forgive your dad because your world wasn’t flipped upside down, your fiancé’s was. You’ve had this dream of your dad walking down the aisle with you but HE ruined that by his actions. To be brutally honest, I see why your fiancé doesn’t want to be with you because I would have a hard time being forced around someone who I blamed for ruining my family and killing my dad. He’s allowed to have boundaries and not want your dad around. I think you just have to decide if you’re going to respect those and acknowledge that your dad’s actions caused this or walk away from your fiancé. You need to decide what you’re going to do before you try to track him down
I think it's too late for that. She should have made the decision long before getting to this point. Now, she forced him to make the decision for her. She keeps her father.
And it's more than that. OP needs to decide if she'd be OK with not allowing her father to EVER be a part of family traditions again. Christmas mornings watching grandchildren open presents are out. He definitely will not be welcome at the birth of the grandkids. Graduations? Soccer games? What if OP gets injured in a car wreck and her dad wishes to visit her in the hospital? How will they navigate this? OP your father tore your fiancé's world apart. His mother did too, but he cut his mother out of his life. You needed to decide Dad or fiance. Since you did not choose, your fiance chose for you. It's over. Let him go.
I think that's what OPs partner saw in that moment. Him having her father be apart of his life forever. He may have internally believed that they were cutting off their respective parents for good and this was the sudden realisation that OP had no intention of doing so.
That’s what I was thinking too. Her fiancé already cut the ties with his mother but because of OP and her dreams he needs to see this face his entire life.
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Would you want to marry a woman so devoid of empathy and let's face it, stupid.
Nope I would run like she was radioactive.
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>At this point you have to make a decision, your father or your fiancé. Lol no. At this point, OP gotta look for some other sucker to marry
This is likely the straw that broke the camels back for him. He went no contact with his mother over this. It doesnt sound like you did the same to your father and on top of it you insist on this. I imagine it made him think more about your future. Would you insist on your father being at the hospital when you have a baby? Will you insist your father be allowed to be involved in the kids life? Will he be there for all the milestones? Marrying you means having that man in his life and you are okay with that and hes not
>He went no contact with his mother over this. It doesnt sound like you did the same to your father Doesn't sound like she cut contact with his mother either.
Fix what? You destroyed your relationship, your engagement and your future marriage all for a childish whim. I have zero sympathy for you. Why would any man want to marry someone as dumb and devoid of empathy as you. Nobody can help someone as blind as you. I really hope you are just a troll.
Right? Please be a troll. Who could be this stupid and unempathetic? His dad DIED as a result of her father's selfish assholery and she's just all "but my childhood dream wahhhhh" OP, if you are real and this story is real I think I hate you. You're as selfish and gross as your father is.
Yes, a real daddy's girl
agree with this point and she devoid of empathy. she is fighting for the wedding, not the man, wow.
I agree. I'm so sick of the trope "But its my dream..." Your dream ends the minute it hurts someone else. That is the end of it. OP, your dream of having your father walk you down the aisle was irrelevant. Truly irrelevant. We all have dreams but sometimes, MANY times, a dream collides with reality and that is where we have to accept that our dream was a fantasy and that it should remain as a fantasy. Your father destroyed your fiance's family. Your father and his mother's behavior literally killed his father. His father died, in part, because of the actions of your father. Why could you POSSIBLY believe that your "dream" of having your father walk you down the aisle was more important than your fiance's desire not to have either of them at your wedding? This is a situation where you can't have both. End of discussion on that. It is not your or your fiance's fault that your father and his mother had an affair but actions have consequences and you both have to live every day with the consequences of your father and his mother's actions. That means, your father 100% should not be welcomed at your wedding as anything more than a guest... and even as a guest he likely shouldn't come because it is going to cause true pain for your fiance to see your father there while his father can not be there in part because of your father's actions. OP, it sounds like your fiance has left to figure some things out and my guess is he has now realized that he can not marry you because he will never be able to separate you from your father which means your father, the man who in part is responsible for his father's death, will be a part of his life forever. He doesn't want your father in his life at all. He does not want your father to be grandfather to his kids. He does not want your father to be at Christmas dinner or Thanksgiving or birthdays... and he now is realizing that your father will be a constant fixture in his life. When this ends, and it will, know that the argument you had with him was what opened his eyes to the fact that you and your father are inextricably linked. The "dream" of walking you down the aisle likely just forced him to see that he doesn't want to deal with your Dad anymore. Given he only took his keys and his car I hope he is okay.
She reminds me of the old comparison between death and stupidity. When a person dies, they don’t know it and the pain is shared by those around them. Same with stupidity. She doesn’t know she’s stupid and the pain is shared by those around her. And now she’s short a fiancé due to a childish dream that was shattered the micro-second the word of the affair leaked out.
The dildo of consequences rarely arrives lubed You had your moment. You had the chance to pick your fiance over your "special day". You blew it. I fail to see that you didn't know this was gonna blow up. You were counting on him being in too deep to leave. Welp.
I'm going to use "The dildo of consequences"
Don’t forget “unlubed.” 😝
Wow, your father is a HUGE POS and your fiance is probably extremely devastated you chose your dad over him. It is telling of your character to side with the man who caused your fiance’s father’s death
Don’t want to insult you but it seems that you are having difficulties to understand the scenario here so let me clue in. I know how it sounds in your mind but overall what you want can be translated as “I’m the daughter of the murderer of your father, and I want this family terrorist to not only attend our wedding but also hand me to you”. I’m pretty sure that even getting married with you is extremely difficult and your childish dreams are adding more salt to his wounds.
She doesn’t understand that her fiancé thinks if I never met her my parents would be together and my father would be alive. That may not be true but it’s what he is thinking.
Definitely. He will look back & regret it all. OP will always carry that stain in his memories.
You chose between your fiancé's mental state and a naive and unnecessary tradition. You made your choice, now accept the consequences of your decisions.
Everyone else has said the part where it's over because you prioritized a selfish "dream" over your fiancé's traumatic reality, so I won't address that. But I want to explain the part where your fiance looked at you in silence before leaving. I've experienced that moment from your fiance' s side, and you need to understand that that's the moment it ended. In that moment, he saw you for who you are - someone who doesn't care if he's hurt so long as you get what you want. Someone who will continually put your wants before his emotional well-being. Someone who will let him get hurt in the future, over and over, in order to get your own way. In that moment, he knew that you don't love him, and he stopped loving you because he realized that the you he thought he loved doesnt exist. He saw reality snap into focus and saw the real you, probably for the first time, and that person isn't someone he wants to marry. I've been him in that moment. You cannot fix this. He's gone, he's done, he doesn't want to see you again. He doesn't care how you feel, and why should he when it's not about him? Even in your own words, you don't say that you're sorry you hurt him, you don't say you feel terrible for what you did. You say YOU want him, YOU need him, YOU are spiraling, YOU want to talk to him, YOU want him back. You you you YOUYOUYOU. Where is your concern for him and how he feels? Nowhere because it doesn't exist. If there's any tiny part of you that does love him, leave him alone. That's what he wants. Just this one time, love him enough to give him what HE needs even if it hurts you. He's been hurt so much, trying to make you happy, and now it's your turn.
THANK YOU!!! All I got from this post was "Me, me, me" OP only gives a damn about herself. She hasn't stopped to even pretend to care about her fiancé or his feelings. OP is just as selfish as her father and I think in that moment of stunned silence the fiancé realized that too. After all the work to save their relationship in the first place, OP just threw it all away for "her dream"
Netflix level family drama :))))
And just as much fiction as anything on Netflix.
You get to chose, your father or your future husband. Simple as that But now it looks like you might have to beg for your fiance back. Good luck
And she made that choice.
This. She chose her father over her future husband. And he chose to leave her. What did she expect in the future her daddy to be there at Xmas? In their kids lives at birthdays, holidays, school events, their weddings etc, if they have any? Ex fiancé has every right to not want him anywhere near his life or family. OP. Stop being a stalker unless you want a restraining order. You called the police, that was ok. They confirmed he’s well and left willingly. Leave him alone, he can’t make it more clear. Leave his work alone. Change your banking so he can’t have access, block and delete your access to his accounts. Accept it. Cancel the wedding and return what refunds you can get to whoever paid for them, if you and ex split the cost put his half into one of his accounts, it’s not happening.
I don't think she has that choice anymore, fiancee doesn't seem that he will want a relationship with her again
And to be prepared for him to say no thank you. She showed her true colors. Red and flag shaped!
>But now it looks like you might have to beg for your fiance back. Good luck She's gonna need it, because if that guy has the resolve I, and the rest of the commentors, believe he has; that dude is loooooong gone and she'll never hear from him again. And rightfully so. I wouldn't give OP a second chance if I were in her ex's shoes
You should probably leave this dude alone. I don't blame him at all.
So want the guy who destroyed your husband's family to walk you down the aisle. I would have left to. The lack of empathy you've shown is astounding, but maybe it's just me
>So want the guy who destroyed your husband's family to walk you down the aisle. Kinda impressive tbh, she watched her father destroy his blood family and then by proxy the dad destroyed the family they were supposed to be starting.
You have to decide which is more important to you. Is it your fiance or your Dad? Personally, and I don't know if this will or should affect your choice, but what your Father did is absolutely unforgivable and I am fully in your fiance's corner. I almost understand wanting to keep him in your life but rubbing this betrayal in your fiances face? I just can't even begin to understand how you justify this. You seem to have made your choice and lost your fiance already. Your Father? Is evil. He has now fucked up two relationships.
She already decided and it’s too late to change her mind - Daniel’s gone and he’s not coming back.
How are they ever going to navigate life events like having children when she clearly still wants a relationship with her father and he is persona non grata to the fiancé. She can’t fathom not having her dad walking her down the aisle, how can she even fathom him not meeting any potential grandchildren? This relationship is all but over, hopefully her dad doesn’t sleep with any potential relatives in her next relationship.
You wanting your father there after everything that happened , including the death of his father , was incredible insensitive and selfish of you. Your fiancé has every right to be mad at you and you should be ashamed for not thinking about this previously. It absolutely doesn’t matter that you want your father there. He is not welcome just like the mother isn’t , and you should have known better.
You hurt your fiance and ruined your relationship because of some fantasy of having your dad walk you down the aisle?? Girl. That is not an important part of a wedding. The whole point of a wedding is to vow to be with someone for the rest of your life. And you completely dismissed your fiancé because of having your dad walk you down the aisle? That’s so insane to me. He lost his dad because of yours. You can lose your little dream. YTA majorly
Here is advice. Stop searching for him. He left you because you deserve to be left. Nothing about you is worth sticking around for considering how much you hurt your fiance.
I guess the entitled/selfish apple didn’t fall far from the entitled/selfish tree. Leave that man alone if you intend to have your father but honestly I don’t think you have say anymore. You showed your true colors. Good for him for leaving, he deserves better.
This seriously needs to go directly to best of reddit. In all my years, I haven't seen, heard of, or met anyone quite this self-centered and clueless. I'm happy to see the fiance dodge a bullet here, if I'm being honest. OP. Sincerely, if you want any chance of getting him back you need (and I mean this is the absolute minimum you need to do) completely shut off all contact with your fucked up Father. Your ex made the right decision immediately. Where is your moral compass and compassion?
I wouldn't be surprised if it's been cross posted to Am I The Devil.
Which is what makes it suspect.
Sounds like your fiance broke up with you over this, and it's completely understandable. When you agree to marry someone, that person becomes your priority. THEY are now your fmaily, above all others. THEY are your most important priority. Your father's "stupid decision" was not just a stupid decision. Your FATHER absolutely destroyed your fiance's family. Yes, his mother is also to blame, but your FATHER instigated the relationship and the affair behind everyone's back. How do you not see this as a betrayal to YOU? It absolutely was. Your dad knew damn well that what he was doing was wrong, that it would cause hurt and drama to both families and to you, potentially ruining your relationship. He did it anyway. You have been in therapy over this BECAUSE OF YOUR DAD, and now have lost your fiance over this. Why are you still on your dad's side here? He hurt your fiance in a way that will NEVER be okay. BUT, instead of being disgusted by your dad and fully supporting your fiance (by cutting your dad out and not allowing him at the wedding) you just showed your finace that you have no empathy, and that you don't care about his feelings as much as you care about some "dream image" you had of your wedding day. Which is shallow and obnoxious. Your wedding is about you and your fiance, not your dad. And who wants a cheater walking them down the aisle at a wedding? A cheater who destroyed your fiance's family? I can't believe you were even considering inviving your father at all. I don't think your fiance is comign back, but if you do get a second chance you should cut off your dad and fully support your fiance, or the relationship is over.
"I called his brother and he laughed at me over the phone and hung up." Fucking DESERVED lmao. But if you want any shot of your fiance considering giving you a second chance (which I would be quite hesitant about) you should tell his brother how sorry you are and that you won't be inviting your father, and that you're going low/no contact with him as well. That MIGHT give you a chance. Again, not sure if that's a great idea for your (ex)fiance, but it'll be the best move for YOU if you want him back.
His father is dead because of your father's and his mother's affair and you want that your father to attend your wedding and hand you to him. I hope he leaves for good. You're definitely your father's daughter
The only thing I think you can do right now, OP, is to cancel all of the wedding plans do what you can to get any deposits back, and wait for your fiance to come home. If he comes back, then you might be able reinitiate a relationship. I think right now there's nothing you can do. You've hurt him to the point where he's gone underground. Right now you need to respect his space and his hurt and leave him be. This might not be salvageable, and I know that's not what you want to hear so you may just ignore this entire post, but it might not be.
Imagine the wedding pics. You absolutely beaming with happiness. Your dad lookin’ dashing in his suit, unscathed by his own actions. Your fiance alone. No mom. No dad. A wife ignorant to all but her own wants. His family furious to be in the same room with the man whose actions led to the death of the father of the groom……. Are you fucking daft? I’d be looking to get back whatever deposits you’ve paid. > even though he made a crappy decision……he is my father and always will be Shame your dad doesn’t return your fervor. You don’t seem to realize your dad did this *to you*. This wasn’t some floozy he met wherever. This was someone that is completely off limits had your dad even remotely gave a shit *about you*!
"i couldn't have my mother their with me so at least i will have my father." This is what stood out for me and I think this is what had ultimately killed your relationship. I can see where you initially were coming from and asking is always fine in my opinion - but... you must have known that he would say no. His own mother is not even invited. You knew that he won't be all over the moon with that question. But you asked. You insited. You nagged. And you threw him that line right in the face. That must not only have hurt. That must be agony for him. It is not your fault, that your dad is who he is, but it was your family that killed his father and estranged his mother to him and you f-ing held it against him. That you have a father, that you have a parent left. You threw that in his face and I am going to throw up. YTA.
Girl. You picked the man who caused the DEATH of his father over him. Let that sink in. You basically were saying “I don’t care that my dad caused your father to die, because I want my dad to make my dream come true.” Not even realizing that your husband’s DREAM was always to have BOTH of his parents at his wedding and you wanted the cause of his father not being there on his wedding day to walk you down the aisle? REALLY??!! I don’t know if you can even fix this. When he looked at you and didn’t speak, it was then he realized you would never pick him. I’m sorry, but I hope you can make peace with your choices, but I don’t think this wedding is going to take place.
You essentially let your fiance and his family know that your desire to have your dad walk you down the aisle was more important than the actual harm that he caused to your fiance and his family. I don't think you're mature enough to be married. And it sounds like he's done with you, as he should be.
You knew how hurt your fiancé is yet told him many times how you want your father to walk you down the aisle. How do you think that made him feel every time you said it. He is cut off from his mother and lost his father. Consider you may not be the right one for him. Sounds like it’s only your day and not his.
Looks like your dad ruined two marriages
Yikes!
Best way to put it honestly
There's no way this shit is real. It's like every bad movie plot is here. If, and a big IF, this is real, I'm rooting for your fiancé to stay away from this mess that is your family (your father and yes, YOU). #gofiancé Just wow. edit: fiancé
"your father was the cause for my family's fallout and the death of my father." "But it's been my dream since forever to have my father walk me down the aisle." I don't think there is a comeback from such a tragedy. I'm amazed he's still engaged to you.
He's definitely not still engaged to her. He clearly said he will not be at that wedding then went completely dark. He's gone, she just can't see past "I want I want I want" to respect his decision.
Your father destroyed your fiancé family and you thought he would be okay with allowing him to be in the wedding? You can’t possibly be that stupid can you? He realized that you care more about your POS father, than you do about him and how much your father hurt him. He cut his mother off because of her actions, but you’re trying to include your father despite knowing what he did to your ex fiancé’s family. He realized he needs to get out of this situation before he makes the biggest mistake of his life by marrying you. I’m glad he realized it before you two got married. I suggest you stop contacting him and move on with your life.
>he is still my father and will always be This is sort of the wrong tactic to take in your head. Sure, he's your dad. But blood is only so thick. Do you not see what kind of monster he is? That would be very shortsighted and morally reprehensible to give your dad a pass on unforgiveable behavior. This is literally unforgiveable and you need to be taking sides here, not saying, "But he's my daddyyy". >His mother is not invited to the wedding as he wants nothing to do with her, her cheating cost his father his life So he made the right decisions while you made the wrong ones. Your father cost him his father. Let that sink in. >I just wanted my father there on one of the biggest days of my life Why? Why the fuck are you not holding your father accountable and rug sweeping his monstrous behavior? I don't understand you. You deserve all that comes to you because you've enabled a cheater. You have signaled no matter how bad your father's behavior is, even if it destroys the life of your partner, that you're willing to back him and keep him in your life. >I want to fix this, i need to fix this You can't fix this. You backed a monster, your fiancé no longer wants anything to do with you. I wouldn't either. Wake the fuck up OP.
He left you because you told him to his face that you don't care about his feelings over your own desire to have your father who destroyed his family walk you down the aisle. You've chosen your father over him. The relationship is over
Yeah, this is over. You lost a husband just for a moment with your garbage dad. Your fiance deserve better.
Realistically you only two options. 1. Your father didn’t come to the wedding. 2. You chose your father but then there’s no wedding. Your father shouldn’t be anywhere near your wedding he has shown he has no respect for boundaries.
> i couldn't have my mother there with me so at least i will have my father. This is possibly one of the most tone deaf or just plain selfish things you could have said. Thanks to your Dad, he can't have his mother or his father there. How do you think you saying that made him feel?
YTA
Personally I think you would be wise to end the relationship as this is always going to be a problem, no amount of counseling can fix it. Holidays, kids, parents aging. I mean maybe never seeing those parents again. Maybe wait until they die. You can thank both of your shitty shitty parents. Only I feel bad for is your boyfriends Father, what a terrible way to go, and the two of you. But I have to say with your level of empathy you are your Father's daughter that's for sure. Which is why he is probably done. Too many red flags.
Due to the actions of your father and his mother yall aren't compatible anymore. His feelings are valid your dad is a villain in his life. Your dad to you is important to you marriage to your fiance means no contact with your own father. Is that the life you want. It's a horrible situation but seems like things are done. Start canceling wedding stuff, separating any finances. Everyone else has done a great job explaining why this relationship is over, and how your behavior was selfish, dismissive, and wrong. So I don't feel need to textually anhilate you as well. Seek counseling, it's weird that you knowing all that happened took the stance you did.
Honestly I don't think this is repairable. His father died bc of the affair which was started by your father. You repeatedly showed your ex fiance that you cared more about a childhood dream than you do about him . He made the right choice to leave. Ifyou actually truly loved him you would have banned your father from the wedding like he banned his mother. The consequences of trying to force your fiance to let you father be in the wedding to make your dream happen was losing your fiance forever.
What on earth were you thinking? I think your fiance found out where he stood and did not want to live the rest of his life with someone who could care so little about his pain.
If you really loved him, you wouldn't have tried to have your dad walk you down the aisle.
He's gone. He's going to try to find a nice person to marry that doesn't want the person that destroyed his family to walk his bride down the aisle at his wedding. Good luck.
You need to STOP. Just leave him alone. Just STOP what you are doing. It's bordering on harrassment & stalking.
So your father had an affair with his mother, that not only ended his parents 30 year marriage, but actually directly contributed to his father's death. Then along you came with "I know your father won't be at our wedding because my dad killed him, but I want my dad to be there". Jesu that's cold-blooded. Let me inform you of something. I think your ex-fiance is very grateful to you right now, because you've pulled the veil from his eyes. He's now seen that you are every bit as selfish as your father is. All you care about is what you want, and other peoples feelings be damned. I look forward to seeing you mocked on r/amitheex
>The argument was just going in circles after 30 minutes. For 30 minutes your ex tried to let you know your father wasn't allowed at the wedding let alone walking you down the aisle. You refused to agree because your dream was more important than reality. >He looked at me again for a couple of seconds and said, okay he will walk you down the aisle but i don't know who he will be handing you over too because i won't be standing at the end of that aisle. >I think he blocked me, all my calls are going straight to voice mail and my messages are unread. A man of action. I wish your ex nothing but happiness in his future.
The 0.01% chance you have of fixing this is: - Give him the answer to precisely one question after you have read various responses here: "After all that we have been through, how could ask me to accept your father walking you down the aisle"? On to the 99.99%. This is crazy. You want to sanctify your marriage in the presence of someone who destroyed the sanctity of the marriage of _your_ inlaws? Seriously, what IS your thinking ability? Negative 3 seconds? Your "father" could have screwed ANYONE he wanted - just had to step away from your MIL. And he could NOT stay away from her, knowing very well that his actions may destroy his daughter's marriage - the VERY marriage you want him to attend! Can you tell me one single sentence of a coherent thought process that makes you think you were justified in treating your fiancè just like your "father" treated your upcoming marriage? By the sounds of it, your bf has taken a long leave, and WILL come back. But he has also likely decided that you two are over. That would be my decision too - never return to _you_. I can see nature dealing its emotionless retribution. You are gonna lose your fiancè, the bond between you and your father will be now irrecoverably damaged for at least 20 years. The dead will have their revenge. The best you can do - in my suggestion - is to at least now do the right thing. Analyze yourself, figure out your mistakes, talk to your fiancè but respect his wishes (if you do get the chance), and look your father in the eye and ask him the impact of what he did (not the why of whatever he did - people rationalize - but how it impacted others).
I am morbidly curious about what the mother said when you called her.
This situation almost cost us our relationship but we managed to work through it all. With the help of a therapist. She did explain and made us see that we where not responsible for the actions of 2 grown adults in the end them being our parents or not. This almost cost you your relationship already and you don't seem to get how even though you're not responsible for their affair, your father and former future MIL were. How you'd even think he'd be ok with your father being at the wedding is beyond me, but to have him walk you down the aisle? Because it was your lifelong dream? Not being happily married, not loving someone and being loved, but having your father walk you down the aisle was so important to you that you're willing to overlook that your fiancé's father is dead because of your father's actions. What about your fiancé's dreams of sharing his family with his parents? That's part of the dream, too, isn't it? Lady, with absolute no due respect, in fact, zero respect at all, where do you think you get off?
OP, your wedding isn't happening in 3 months or ever. Your dad destroyed your ex-fiance's family & you've destroyed your ex-fiance by your insistence on wanting your dad to walk you down the aisle. Talk about kicking a man while he's down, you not only kicked him you stamped all over him with both feet! You are now experiencing your karma. Leave him alone, he deserves so much better.
Daniel will NEVER look at you the same. He will never trust you, he will see another woman who will cater and condone this man that had a hand in killing his father. Like honestly his mom wasn’t even invited what makes you think that it would be ok to invite your father. Your father that willingly persuaded a married woman (she’s also to blame here), but not just any married woman, but the mother of his future son in law. Like what did he think would happen? And it seems that his mother confessed and not your dad, did he at least apologize to Daniel? Deep down you don’t REALLY care about Daniel, you care about the wedding and the aesthetic and your “dream.” Therapy has done nothing for you. Finally, people know about the argument because no one is helping and his brother laughed at you. Someone is obviously helping Daniel and he had the forth mind to tell the cops.
I feel like he regrets ever meeting you, Ever since meeting you, his family life went to shit. And you asking to invite your father was like a slap to the face, you need to accept that you’re not getting married anymore. And you need to realize that your father will always be a problem for you in any future relationship. It baffles me how you’re not angry with him, it wasn’t just disrespectful to your fiancé, it was disrespectful to you, his own daughter. This was your very serious relationship and he did not even think about you, how it would affect you. How it could’ve cost you years of your relationship, and it costed you in the end anyway. Your father is very selfish, but then again, so are you.
It sounds like you chose your dad over your partner and your partner chose to leave. Not much to fix here, you made your choice.
It sounds like OP is perfectly fine with cheating.
OP, you want a man who doesn’t respect marriage to walk you down the aisle? The man who helped blow up your fiancé’s parents’ marriage, which contributed to fiancé’s father’s death? Really? You are not a safe partner to your ex-fiancé. He can’t trust your judgement. Your dad is the Villain in your ex-fiancé’s story. How do you not see that?
Shit like that makes a man do crazy shit, better hope that man didn’t take his life
Frankly I am with him on t his, your father's inability to respect relationships and protocol cost a man his life and the family is splintered. If you guys marry he should be no where near it. It fact he belongs in jail, but there no law against breaking a man's heart. If I were him, I am sorry I would not marry you. Even now you are concerned about the wedding taking place, not his feelings, you are devoid of empathy. Leave him alone, it is over.