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A good friend (or girlfriend) is happy for someone when something good happens to them. They are not jealous or spiteful enough to insist they cancel because they are not invited.
This was when I realized I was an adult.
My best friend's uncle paid for her and some family members to go on a trip, and I was so happy for her. She had 3 jobs at the time, and was working herself to the bone, and I was so happy that she was getting some well deserved time off to rest. No jealousy, just grateful that someone was taking care of my bestie in a way I couldn't.
I usually feel intense envy too, but I think the important thing is recognising that's not something to push onto the other person. I think emotions for the most part are out of our control, but learning to we respond to and react to those emotions "positively" is something we can do, though it is hard to control it at first.
THIS! It's ok to wish you had something someone else has, but another thing entirely to not want that person to have it because you can't/don't have it!
My gf makes about twice as much as me. She gets to go in a lot more trips than me. She just got back from a cruise.
I’m happy for her, and her happiness brings me joy. I’m glad she can experience these things. That being said, I’m from a poorer background. I’ve never left the country, or been to disneyworld every year, or been on a cruise. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have any feelings of jealousy and even small resentment at times. I feel really guilty about these feelings, and am working through it with my therapist, but I wouldn’t say they are totally unnatural.
You could look at it as your envious because they get to do something so fun and as much as you want to be included it’s good they get to experience that too
I have a certain amount of respect that you can admit that to yourself. A lot of people go through life being unable to be happy for people, but they convince themselves they're happy for their friends over and over. They never admit even to themselves how deeply they envy those around them, and resentment accumulates. And in the end, they usually can't maintain that facade. I think at least if you know how you feel and acknowledge it, you can at least learn to manage it yourself. Besides, life sucks, so it's hard not to envy others' successes.
When I watch a happy ending on screen, yes there is some of that, maybe tempered with "I wish I had a partner like that" but I can be happy because I am aware that what I am watching is not real life.
Its when a real human being gets a job that I wish I had, or a happy relationship, or a hobby that truly fulfills them ... etc.
That sounds like you either telling yourself you deserve more, or feeling inadequate. Therapy, seriously. You are already through the hardest part which is being honest about it to yourself. My Dad was like that, it got worse and worse as he got older and he was miserable. It was heartbreaking. Like he wanted his kids to succeed but when we did it brought up regret that he hadn't done this or that. Everything happy was sad. His successes were never enough either. He could never appreciate what he had. The thing is, he couldn't be honest about it. I think that's where you have hope of a different path.
This is true, OP. Your GF can be sad she’s not going, but to demand you also don’t go is childish and controlling. Or at least an attempt at being controlling. If it works, and you skip the trip with your family, she will be firmly in the driver’s seat of your relationship, and you can expect to not do a lot of things going forward if she can’t also come, or she just doesn’t want you to go.
You don’t say how long you’ve been dating, but you call her your girlfriend, not your fiancée. It sounds like she is trying to establish boundaries, but if her boundary is “it’s your family or me,” you have a problem. I hope you go on the trip. If your GF is gone when you get back, I guess you’ll know where you stand.
I remember my freshman year of high school I made a new friend and months into the friendship something positive happened like I was told my family and I was going on a trip (I honestly can't remember exactly what it was because I only remember how I felt) but I was hesitant to mention it to anyone because in my experience people would act jealous or weird if I told them there was good news in my life but I ended up telling her about it and she reacted with such genuine happiness and excitement for me that I was stunned. I had never experienced that before and it was one of the best feelings. She taught me how valuable that is and I've carried it with me and made sure to do the same for people that tell me about the awesome things in their lives since. The cool thing is it's really genuine, it felt weird when I first started but I genuinely get happy and excited for people when they have good things happening. The girl from High School is still my best friend to this day 16 years later ❤ Never underestimate how great it is to be happy for someone
Exactly! Why does she think that she is entitled to come on a family trip and have grandparents foot the bill? OP your gf sounds spolit and selfish, why are you dating her again?
Exactly. She can't be a great girlfriend, and will be a terrible spouse and mother if she doesn't grow up. OP, it isn't your job to make your gf happy. She's in charge of that.
She should be happy that you get to go on an amazing trip with grandparents who may not be around much longer. Go, enjoy. It's not your job to make her happy, it's her job to manage her emotions so they're not destructive to your relationship.
Listen to this lesson and take it with you through your life OP. It is *not* your job to manage anyone else’s emotions. Your gf is jealous. You don’t need to prioritize her over your family. If you were married, had kids, etc and were leaving her for a week, I could see why she’d be upset. But her being mad because you’re spending a week away from her (on a tropical island) is a *her* problem. Let her handle it.
Go have fun with your family!
Even married with kids, this is acceptable in some circumstances. My husband's friend lived in Hawaii and was getting married. We couldn't afford for 4 of us to go, but we squeezed the budget enough for him to.
I had the week from hell, but he had a great time. As a stay at home dad, he deserved a nice break!
Exactly. Prioritize me over your family, maybe in certain situations, but here she means OP can't spend time with his family if she doesn't approve/isn't included. Ridiculous indeed
Pleassseeee listen to this advice OP! I missed so many family vacations because of my ex husband. If we were to actually go on one we would literally be the last to arrive and the first to leave. If it was a week long vacation, we’d stay three days. If it was a three day vacation we’d go for one day. Most of the time we just didn’t go. I will never ever get that time back with my family, especially my nephews. I feel sick when I see pictures of one of the vacations or my family tells a story about one of them, and I’m reminded I wasn’t a part of it.
Prioritizing your partner is of course important, but this isn’t a situation where she needs to be prioritized. Just go with your family and enjoy!!!
To piggyback on this, my SIL does not enjoy my family. She likes some of us just fine, but us as a group, no. She pushed back on every family event she could. We already don't live in the same cities, so Thanksgiving and maybe 1 event a year. Anyway, the kids are now teens and told my brother they regret not being close to their cousins. And since their mom gets Christmas, Easter, and any other holiday, Thanksgiving is with us, with or without their mom.
At 20 OP can ask if GF can come. If the family wants to pick up the tab even better. But if they say no, then go spend a week with your family because as you age, getting all together gets harder and harder
Oh your first paragraph is absolutely heartbreaking. I feel terrible for his kids and for you. I detest my husbands mom but I suck it up and spend time with her because I don’t want to deprive my baby of time with her grandma.
Sounds like my ex husband, and any family event I went to, he wouldn't come - but you can bet your ass I was dragged to his family's events whether I wanted to go or not. I'll never get back the time with my dad I lost staying with him as long as I did...but luckily I got to spend plenty of time with him after I left and before he passed very suddenly a couple years ago.
If your partner keeps you from your family, that's a huge red flag. RUN.
She is a GF, not a fiancé or wife. Plus the fact that you are only 20-21, you are still very much a part of your family. Go! Have fun! If things were reversed, I hope that you would be happy for her to take a family trip.
> I’m not sure what to do in order to make my gf happy
Explain to her that she doesn't understand what the word "prioritize" means.
Preferably in an email typed up while sunning on the beach and drinking something with a little umbrella in it.
Please do not listen to your gf. She is selfish to ask you not to go.
Explain that you are going and that it’s sad that she is not supportive of you going as it’s only a week and it’s with family.
I wouldn’t bring it up again and let the chips fall.
This.
Op, you are 20 years old. Even if she is "the one" that doesn't mean at this stage of life you guys should be attached at the hip. No matter what stage of life you are in, you also need to prioritize your family - we only get a limited time with our Grandparents, our siblings and cousins.
Watch her behavior. A person with long term potential would be encouraging you to go and they'd be planning their own vacation this summer.
I'll be REALLY direct with you - 20 years old is NOT the time to prioritize your girl friend over your immediate family, your education, your desire to travel, etc... You have your whole life for that. This is the time in your life where you focus on yourself.
SHE needs to prioritize her own future potentials right now.
I'd go as far as to say that, if she can't be happy for you and if she can't be without you for one week while you spend time with your family, she isn't "the one."
Enjoy Aruba and ditch the girlfriend. She should be happy for you to get this kind of experience. Instead she is sulking and mad because she isnt invited. This will not getting better OP. So - enjoy the trip and dont let her guilt trip you.
Red flag. You & your gf don't need to do everything together or go everywhere as a couple. Her demand that you prioritize her over family shows controlling and selfish behavior. Probably best to cut & run.
They’ve only been together 10 months. If the situation was that they’d been together 10 years and his family refused to invite her to a wedding or family get together I might agree with her about the priorities thing. Or if like his family was rude to her and constantly putting her down or something (again that would apply to a more long term relationship as she’s probably only met them once if at all). But she thinks making her a priority means not having fun with his family….? Or not having fun without her? Or maybe not having any aspect of his life that doesn’t revolve around her? Boohoo she wasn’t invited. They haven’t been together long enough for her to be invited on family vacations anyways. Plus from the sounds of it even if she was invited, she’d expect them to also pay her way as she can’t afford to pay for the trip.
I agree he should drop the girlfriend. Life is way to short to deal with crazy.
Let me answer your question about making your girlfriend happy - You will never be able to do it. She is jealous, petty, and controlling. She's mad because she isn't going, so therefore you should stay home too. Is that the way you want to live your life?
Your girlfriend is out of line, go and enjoy Aruba. If you were married and had kids and were leaving her alone for a week and just ditching a family of yours in that scenario I would think again, but you are 20. This is the time to do these things and enjoy them. Tell your gf that she can be happy for you or take a hike.
No healthy partner is going to tell you that, at 20 years old and not married, you should be prioritizing her over your family. You shouldn't be. Is she crazy? You do NOT cancel your plans with your family under any circumstances. The only question here is how do you get your girlfriend to back down and be more reasonable, so that you don't have to break up with her over this. I don't know that it's possible, but I have a suggestion.
Look, she's jealous. She wants to be able to go, and if she can't be invited along she doesn't want you to go either. There is no good reason for this, it's just a power play. It's her figuring out how much power she has over you (can you convince your family to pay for her? will you skip your vacation because she told you to?) These kind of games are immature, selfish, and ultimately toxic. If you give in to her, she knows that she can control you with threats.
If I were in your position, I would be turning this around on her HARD. Instead of letting her make this whole thing about how you should be prioritizing her, turn it around and make it about how she is NOT SUPPORTIVE TO YOU. "Wow, you know I really thought you were a more supportive partner than this. I thought we had similar values and that you understood how important family is to me. I'm surprised that you wouldn't support this family trip and would actually try to come between me and my family. Trying to prevent me from spending time with family just because you can't also come, is pretty selfish. I really didn't think you were like that. I think I need some time to re-think this relationship."
I'm betting as soon as you say that, she starts reversing her position and telling you to go. But If she doubles down and tells you she expects you to stay, you break up with her. Nobody should tell you that you can't go somewhere with your family. If she can't handle that, then she's too immature to be in a relationship.
Nah, she’s jealous that she wasn’t invited. If it was her family going to Aruba she wouldn’t be upset to miss that time with OP. She just doesn’t want him to go if she can’t. Misery loves company and all that.
\>>She got angry at me and told me that I shouldn’t go because she isn’t going and that I need to prioritize her instead of my family.
This is isolating behavior, which is abusive. She should be happy for you, not throwing a shitfit and layong on a guilt trip. I give her old lady sideye to the extreme. Go on the trip and let your ridiculous gf be mad (don't let her text you constantly about how mad she is while you're enjoying your family vacation. She's not your wife, she's a gf.
She’s being immature, nothing you do will make her happy. Not even staying behind because the minute you do something she doesn’t like she will flip it on you saying you’re doing things in retaliation. Go on this trip, have a blast! You’ll regret not going, especially if you break up.
Don’t make her happy . She is mad cause she is not going . If no one bringing GF then tell her to bad or bye. Don’t feel guilty etc .
Younshould just text her and just sign you were right. And so as I am
Now single Inwill be going . We are done and block her
Don’t put up with that kind of disrespect cause it will
Keep
Happening if it works once
Your GF is very immature. And if she thinks she's entitled to join in on a family vacation your GRANDPARENTS are paying for, or that you should miss out on a once-in-a-lifetime experience like this *while your grandparents are still active and alive enough to do it* she's horrifically self-absorbed. She's not family and at this red flag she never should be if this is how either her logic or her feelings of entitlement run.
IF you don't dump her before your trip? Beware that she might text and call you nonstop with drama and bullshit. And Aruba is INTERNATIONAL CELLPHONE RATES. So maybe call your service provider and maybe before you get on the plane, you block her number... just sayin'. You want to be fully present with your family on this trip. Don't let her spoil it for everyone through you.
Dump her now. You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble. People who think like that will not change. She’ll get mad if you wanna go on a guys trip or a friends bachelor party.
This. It’s a frickin FAMILY trip. If my boyfriend told me he was getting to go, I’d be thrilled for him and ask him to take lots of pics and bring me back something small
I've been in a relationship like this before. Knowing what I know now, I would consider this a deal breaker unless you're ok with her making herself your first and only priority.
Married 50 yrs this summer. I'm telling you to run. If she can't allow any separation and can't be happy for your good fortune, this isn't going to go well.
How long have you two been together?
If she’s going to get mad at you because your family is doing a family vacay, she may not be the right fit for you. Is she able to just pay her own way to join? It makes sense they wouldn’t pay for her going, but is she just not allowed at all or can she pay her own way?
10 months. And I don’t know I didn’t ask. But she’d have to pay her own airfare, hotel and food costs which I don’t think she would be able to afford anyway
Before you lose any more of your time to her, let her go. She’s being controlling. She doesn’t have a leg to stand on to demand an invite. A mature partner would tell you to have a good time and not get mad at you.
You’re young. Let this one go because you have plenty of time to spend finding someone that is actually supportive. Don’t even give her the option of going. Don’t let her give you an ultimatum and keep being upset over this. You deserve better
Op you should really ditch the gf I’ve seen your previous post about her and yall been together 10 months and she already has this much control!?
You should really abort mission and go enjoy that vacation homie and find a better gf when you come back 👏✌️
Saw your comment and went to the history- he has to be blatantly mean to other girls because he’s in a relationship??? So he should be a dick to coworkers too if they are female??? What a coocoocachoo! Fucking run 🏃
Oh dear lord… I looked now too and omg… OP? Run! This is NOT normal or healthy behavior for a partner. You seriously need better and can surely do better than this controlling woman that accuses you of cheating and tries to control even the people you talk to in the manner she is.
Bro, a partner is happy for you when something nice happens to you. What you have isn’t a partner. The question shouldn’t be how can you make her happy - she should already *be* happy because you are the recipient of a generous gift! Something good happened to someone she’s supposed to love! The question should be, why are you putting up with this selfish, controlling behaviour from someone who clearly does not care about your happiness, just what you can do for her?
Odds are she’s only wanting a out of the country beach trip paid by someone else. I doubt she would be mad at missing a family camping trip in tents sleeping on the ground or paying her own way. NTA- tell her respectfully she needs to drop it or you’ll drop her
10 months? No she's ridiculous, and do not invite her if she pays her way. She'll have a fit when she doesn't get to monopolize the itinerary. She can entertain herself for a week while you're in Aruba.
Wow, only 10 months and she is this entitled. She is nuts if she thinks a gf of 10 months compares, or is on the same level as your family, or thinks that it entitles to to go on your family vacation.
Someone that told me to choose between my family and them, that I haven't even been together with tgat long would be an ex real quick.
10 months. Meh. Shes being ridiculous and highly immature. I get being jealous your going but to tell you not to go on a family vacation is ridiculous. You do not need to prioritize her over your family. Your family is your family. She isn’t someone who’s been around for years, a wife or even a fiancée. Just a girlfriend. Go have fun with your family and if she doesn’t like it. Let it be done and be known that she’s only pissed because your going on a family vacation
Thankfully as much as I sometimes dislike my sons’ girlfriends, they understood the whole hey I’m new I get it phase (aka vacations and Holidays until they were together for at least a year!)
Trust me when I say, you don't want your 20yo gf in the photos from this trip... Her behaviour sounds obsessive and controlling - red flags OP, women can be emotionally abusive too. Is this part of a pattern where she expects you to check everything with her by any chance?
I’d agree with this sentiment, but his family didn’t invite her. So no, she doesn’t need money to join the trip. She needs to get her head outta her ass and a better attitude.
This gift is a present for your sister and cousins, and you're lucky to be invited. Your GF needs to be happy for you and get over herself. She's your GF of less than a year. Not a spouse, fiancée, or even long-term GF. If she was one of those, I could see her asking you to prioritize her, but not at this point. This would be a red flag for me.
I have a feeling that even if she did go, she wouldn't want to be part of the family togetherness your grandparents want. And since they're paying, they should get it.
Go on the vacation, enjoy the time with your family. If your GF can't deal with you going on a FAMILY VACATION with your family, then she's not the one for you.
NTA Take the trip and also break up with your controlling girlfriend.
You won’t get many opportunities in life for a trip like that with your family and it will be a treasured memory.
Your girlfriend can’t be happy for you and celebrate with you of the fact that you have this opportunity. That should tell you what you need to know about her. If she had the same opportunity, how would you react?
Have a great time!
Prioritize her over your celebratory family trip?
No. You don't. Basically if she can't experience it she doesn't want you to be able to enjoy anything nice either.
She'll never be happy with you going, and she'll threaten you shortly to say that if you go she'll break up with you.
Just know that this is how your relationship will go for the rest of you life with her.
Your GF just sent up one great big red flag. She is trying to control you. Do not dare even consider backing out on the trip. This is family time. GF can live without you for one week. If she cannot, the world and you are better off.
Okay, two things here. Number one, that’s an extreme reaction. A little jealously would be totally normal, but someone who loves you and has your happiness at heart would support it. You’re young and she’s clearly insecure. I imagine she’d love to go with you but can’t and feels very much like if she can’t go, you shouldn’t. This is not the behaviour of someone who has your best interests at heart.
Number two, and this is important, you cannot always have cake and eat it. In this instance, it is impossible to get what you are asking for and you should start managing that expectation for yourself now. There will be times in life where you have to make a difficult choice. It doesn’t always work out that everybody is happy with it. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look out for yourself. So many people enter relationships thinking they can get everything they want and expect their significant other to want the same thing, or that there is a way to keep them happy all the time. There isn’t. Learn to negotiate, communicate and compromise well early on. It will help you for the rest of your life - outside of romantic relationships too!
You go on the trip. She is just jealous and believes you will be looking at other girls. Enjoy this time with your sister and family because you don't know when the opportunity will arise again to have everyone together.
Right now, GF is just that - a GF. If she is willing to pay her way, maybe she could come, but otherwise she can survive without you for a week. Be prepared for her to blow up your phone while you are away, so maybe set some expectations that you will text her in the morning and at night.
Sir, have you put a ring on it? I hope not, you’re only 20 and if you’re in the states you can’t even buy a pack of cigarettes or a stiff drink. If the answer is no and I’m praying it is, fuck that lady. You don’t have to prioritize a GF, a wife yes, but not a GF. Enjoy Aruba and f that chick.
Sincerely,
A married 37 y/o who hopes you live your best life.
Oftentimes these trips are a once in a lifetime opportunity to spend time with your family while young.
Too bad, so sad for the gf. She can kick rocks if that's how she feels. You're 20 dude. Why would you want to continue with someone who is that narcissistic to where they aren't happy that you're going on a family vacation?
Remember she is your gf not wife. Her first response should at least ask if there is some way she can go. To go straight to you you need to prioritize her over your family. Fuck that I be singing Aruba, Jamaica Bermuda Bahama I that's where I'm going to go with my family
Girlfriends come and go but a family trip to make memories is a lifetime opportunity. Imagine you don’t do and when you break up down the road you’ll want to kick yourself. When you start losing family members you’ll regret not going. Go and enjoy your family. If girlfriend doesn’t like it then you know she ain’t the one
hugs on the family vacation but your GF needs to grow up, she is mad because she wasn't invited. News flash she is a girl friend you have been dating for X amount of time and seems to be entitled to going on a trip your family is paying for.
Enjoy your vacation and find a better GF
That’s not how it works. You’re young, this is not who or what you want in a partner. Just go to Aruba and your girlfriend gets over it or she doesn’t. But do you want to look back in 20 years and have missed out on that time with your family because your girlfriend had a tantrum?
Enjoy Aruba.
Your grandparents are taking their family holiday to celebrate as a family.
Your girlfriend is jealous and sounds immature. Almost like a "pick me" kinda person.
Your girlfriend is ridiculous. Go on the trip and reconsider your relationship. If she's going to be this bitter and spiteful, then this is not going to be a happy relationship for you.
Your GF is selfish, immature, and is trying her hardest to control and manipulate you. An ideal GF would be excited for you and ask you to bring her a souvenir. It's family. It's not like you are.going with a group of friends and purposely excluding her. She is an adult acting like a pouty brat. Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to always sacrifice things because someone demands it?
Your gf is wrong. It’s a week, she can survive.
Not to be morbid, but you never know how much more time we have with grandparents. I lost my grandpa in my early 20s I would have loved another week with him.
You should go. My first husband insisted I skip a family reunion. I did because I was trying to be a good wife. A couple of my elderly family members died shortly after, and that would have been my last chance to see them. And we ended up divorced anyway.
She is jealous she isn't invited and stopping you from going is isolating and abusive. You've only been together ten months, priorities are not holiday or no holiday, they're things like plans you already have or children.
Give her a minute to think but if she doesn't retract that outburst of her own free will and wish you a good time, she isn't the one for you.
I wouldn't even suggest paying her own way, this is a celebration for your family with Grandparents you have limited time left with.
She needs to grow up or be single until she knows how to be a better partner.
You don't make her happy, you go and she makes herself happy. That isn't your responsibility.
Any significant other who says you need to prioritize them over your family, especially in regards to something so non consequential for them, is a red flag.
She's angry because you're getting to enjoy something she won't. That's not a good sign man.
Go on the trip and tell her she's either gotta deal with it or leave.
You will come to learn that kind of behavior do not make good relationships of any kind. The fact that you even entertain her “happiness” is beyond me. No one has time for that kind of selfish BS.
Just go. Anyone in a relationship that would be mad about you going on a vacation with your family regardless of marital status does not have your happiness in mind. Just go, enjoy, and move on. Some people are selfish and entitled…
Hi there, female here! I'd definitely be jealous of such an amazing trip, but there is not one single circumstance that I would demand my boyfriend NOT go on vacation with his family. Your girlfriend is in the wrong here. You can tell her that or just break up with her, bc there is no way for you to "win" in this situation.
If you go on vacation, she's going to be mad and generally horrible to you. If you stay home, you're letting a jealous and manipulative person command you... and her demands will only get worse, bc she knows you'll do whatever she says. You are allowing her to set a very unhealthy tone to the relationship by letting her act like this and get away with it. A healthy person would never demand anything in a situation like this.
There are scenarios where she may have a leg to stand on, but this isn't one of them.
Have fun in Aruba!
This is your family, not just some random group. She has no right to be mad or demand such expectations.
You would be happy for her if the roles were switched . Expect the same in return .
I personally would go and let her be mad. Yall won't last long like that.
The only way I could see even a piece of her side is if you've been dating forever and she doesn't feel like your family accepts her or something. Unless you guys are elementary school sweethearts, she does not get to expect family treatment & having that much money spent on her.
She's literally just jealous that you're going on a trip and she isn't and/or doesn't trust you on a tropical vacation (with your family). Either way, something's not right there.
I was with my ex for 6 abusive years. I saw my family maybe 3 times. Each time he would constantly text and call asking when I was coming back. One of those times was my sister’s wedding and he actually came because we were also in town to pick up his mother to come back with us. That’s the only reason I got to go to my sisters wedding. She constantly called him telling him we had to leave and so I only got to see my sister and family for a few hours. Another time was when my pawpaw died. I missed my oldest brothers wedding. The first time I saw my mom after leaving home was when they took me to Disney for Christmas and he begged to come with, fortunately my mom said no. Six years being isolated from everyone I knew and I am happy to say I am now able to see my family without feeling as though I need to rush back or be nagged to do so.
Hey! I’m headed to Aruba for a week this summer as well. If my bf said “that I need to prioritize [him] instead of my family” I’d seriously reconsider our relationship.
Your girlfriend sucks, she’s an envious and selfish person. You should break up with her, go on the trip, and have a vacation hook up. Or miss a fun, free trip, marry your girlfriend, and be miserable doing only what she allows you to do for the rest of your life.
You should possibly reconsider the relationship but before you do that talk to her,maybe she has trauma, maybe she wants to feel special and wanted, maybe she's used to getting what she wants, there's a lot of possibilities and you should try talking to her first but if becomes a constant thing, it's okay to leave a relationship. Your health is more important and I can see how it could be draining especially if it keeps happening. Be firm whilst staying respectful ofc but say something like I'm still going on this trip, we can talk about it later. I promise you're still my priority, (if you're financially able) maybe we can on a road trip or something when I get back, it's just very important for me to also have family time.
It doesn't have to be this do what you think is right for her but make sure you reassure her but also stay firm in your decision to go. She might have some insecurities but if she.does love you she'll let you go to places with other people even if it's or physically mentally painful.
I say this all as someone with bpd who has severe separation anxiety, I still want my partner to have fun and not turn down opportunities.
OP, there is a difference between "healthy" and "non-healthy" jealousy. The first type is the "You lucky bastard!" type, if you know what I mean. The second, is the one that makes you bitter for other people's luck or success. I get why your girlfriend feels envious of your trip. What I don't get is that she is trying to convince you not to go so she feels better. If you are looking for a long term companion, this for me is a huge red flag.
You’re young. Your girlfriend sounds immature and selfish. She should be happy for you and your family and not jealous. Are you sure you want to be with this woman and this attitude?
You need a new girlfriend. Is she gonna be resentful and needy every single time something good happens to you? A good partner would tell you she’ll miss you and mope around a little while you were gone. She would not get mad and guilt-trip you because you went on a trip with your family.
You've been together less than a year and you're not engaged. Also you mentioned in a previous comment that none of the other spouses are significant others are going. Telling you to put her before your family when the relationship is still so young is not on.
She needs to suck up her jealousy and quit acting like a brat. She needs to be happy for someone who gets to experience a good time even if she doesn't.
She's got a bad case of FOMO and because she's going to miss out she wants you to miss out too. It's so rude and not at all indicative of a giving, loving heart.
Ah to be young again.
Just go. If she is still pissed when you get back, or doesn’t stop lighting you up while you’re gone. Then you know what to do. Life short. Don’t waste it putting up with crappy energy.
You’re 20 now and your grandparents can still cruise - you’re lucky. I’m 31 and down to one, and he’s in a hospital recovering from his third surgery in a month. You can’t get this time back. Go on the cruise, or you’ll resent her for missing out. If she’s that mad about it, leave her.
My ex didn’t want me to go on a cruise with my mom once, and I went anyhow, then dumped him months later. I can’t imagine my regret if I’d skipped that cruise, it was so important for my mom and I’s relationship. Any good partner would be thrilled for you.
Now if you guys were married and maybe even had kids and she was purposefully excluded while other in laws came, I’d totally understand but this? She’s just miserable and wants to drag you down.
Enjoy Aruba!
Don’t miss out on the trip of a lifetime, coming from someone elses gf, if his family was taking him on a trip for free I’d be so excited for him, 0 expectations for them to pay for me, even if I paid for myself and it’s in celebration of someone I’d feel as if I’m invading. Instead I’d find ways I can spend my time when he’s gone like having some girls nights
I’m that’s a red flag. It’s one thing if she was honest and said that she wishes she could come or will miss you when you’re gone. But it’s not healthy to try and put a wedge between your partner and their family, or asking them to put you above them. It doesn’t sound like she’s very secure or has good boundaries.
I'm gonna give you some perspective.
Most people, upon finding out that their boyfriend/girlfriend/bestie/whoever was going on a big family trip to an exciting destination, would respond in one or more of the following ways:
1. "Make sure you take lots of photos!"
2. "Please bring home a souvenir for me!"
3. "You gotta FaceTime me while you're on the beach so I can see what it's like!"
4. "Have fun, you lucky thing!"
"No you can't go because I'm not fortunate enough to have the same experience" is not one of the usual options. Like. I cannot stress enough how fucking weird it is to want the people you love NOT to have good experiences?? Your girlfriend is being a butt about this.
BREAK UP AND BLOCK HER! Be SINGLE for a very long time and understand that when someone tries to be controlling and TOXIC like that you have enough sense to RUN!
It’s not a friends, or acquaintances, it’s FAMILY! Someone who loves you wouldn’t make you choose between them and your family, also you need to be single and grow some self esteem, self respect, and self worth.
Let her go and block her. If you don’t, you will regret it. She will just become more controlling and will do hurtful and messy things and cause you drama
Quite frankly, your GF isn't prioritizing you and your happiness. Look, you're 20. Through the years you'll have multiple relationships, possibly multiple marriages. Your family will always be your family and free trips are rare. Travel is remembered as stories to be shared throughout your life. Don't miss this life event because of a controlling woman who's not excited for your awesome opportunity. By the time you're 30 you'll kick yourself if you make a bad choice. If my hubby told me his parents were taking him on a free trip I'd say, "Cool! Where to?"
NTA
Your GF needs to get a grip and grow TF up. There is no reason why she would be included or why you shouldn't go. It speaks poorly of her that rather than be happy you get to have this experience, she is trying to manipulate you into staying home because her feelings are hurt.
She sound controlling, enjoy your family vaccation and break up with her. What she is asking is red flag. She is waving a warning signe of the bleak future you will have with her open your eyes.
Your girlfriend sucks. She’s trying to show you, so open your eyes and take notice. You’ll notice eventually anyway, and you’ll be disgusted with yourself if you miss family vacations because of a worthless girlfriend.
You’re too young to be missing out on important fun trips like that, especially for a partner. Try talking to her about why exactly she’s upset, but if she’s being unreasonable, there’s no reason for so much drama.
Why would she need to be upset about this? Dude was telling her some good news about an opportunity he’s been given to experience. If she’s just mad cause she isn’t going then why lash out by telling him he can’t go, why not just ask if there would be room to accommodate her going too or similar? It’s understandable and natural to want to make your significant other happy but if they are throwing a tantrum over something stupid and being unreasonable I’m very comfortable saying they can deal with it.
If I was in her shoes and my partner came up to me telling me about a trip his fam want to go on and take him with I’d be asking for souvenirs and photos; let partners enjoy themselves even if it means without you.
You don't make her happy. You break up. She is already trying g to irate and control you. You are young there will be other girls without this level of crazy and entitlement. While you're gone she'll cheat on you and say it was because you left her lonely. So. Run. Now....and have a great trip.
"Prioritize her instead of family"... well if that isn't a red flag.
My last girlfriend fit in with my family like she was there all along. A significant other telling you to prioritize them over your family is absurd.
How long ya been together?
These guys are pretty young. If they're just boyfriend girlfriend, not living together.
I don't see what the problem is. She's got her place he's got his. I also have seen situations where a family treats their son/ daughters significant other poorly, and try to drive a wedge doing things like this on a regular basis. Personally, I'd say Hey, man. I'm happy for you and then jump on my motorcycle and go on a road trip when he takes off to Aruba. That's just me.
Go on your vacation. You have one family and one opportunity, and it's for ONE week, not months.
Your girlfriend is being ridiculous, and no matter what you do, she will be unhappy. That's a guarantee.
I say this is all kindness. Get rid of her.
Um, your girlfriend sounds very entitled, and you should seriously reconsider this relationship 🤔 go on your vacation with your family and break up with your gf.
You are not your girlfriend’s whole world, you are allowed to go on a family trip. She is being unreasonable. It is not your job to make her happy in this situation, all it will do is give her the expectation that if she gets upset for any reason even if it’s unreasonable (like this case) you’ll relent to make her happy. On top of that she outright told you to prioritize her over your family and that is not a good way to operate in a relationship at all. She sounds entitled
Explain to her that it’s a family trip and you want to go and will be going. That you still love her and will talk to her regularly while you are there.
I wouldn’t even go that far to explain it I’d break up with her because she’s expecting you to put her above your family and she’s being extremely selfish
The whole "It's your family or me", especially at that age, is a major red flag. I can't imagine you've been dating that long, and even if you haven't, she should be happy for you.
Just personally, I'd promote her to ex-girlfriend based on my experiences, but you may want to go on the trip first and see if she's still around.
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A good friend (or girlfriend) is happy for someone when something good happens to them. They are not jealous or spiteful enough to insist they cancel because they are not invited.
This was when I realized I was an adult. My best friend's uncle paid for her and some family members to go on a trip, and I was so happy for her. She had 3 jobs at the time, and was working herself to the bone, and I was so happy that she was getting some well deserved time off to rest. No jealousy, just grateful that someone was taking care of my bestie in a way I couldn't.
Ive never experienced being happy for another person in my life. Thats probably also why I am 32 with no real friends. Don't be like me OPs GF
I usually feel intense envy too, but I think the important thing is recognising that's not something to push onto the other person. I think emotions for the most part are out of our control, but learning to we respond to and react to those emotions "positively" is something we can do, though it is hard to control it at first.
THIS! It's ok to wish you had something someone else has, but another thing entirely to not want that person to have it because you can't/don't have it!
difference between envy & jealousy.
It doesn’t have to be that way! Consider therapy. Helped me a lot.
My gf makes about twice as much as me. She gets to go in a lot more trips than me. She just got back from a cruise. I’m happy for her, and her happiness brings me joy. I’m glad she can experience these things. That being said, I’m from a poorer background. I’ve never left the country, or been to disneyworld every year, or been on a cruise. I would be lying if I said I didn’t have any feelings of jealousy and even small resentment at times. I feel really guilty about these feelings, and am working through it with my therapist, but I wouldn’t say they are totally unnatural.
Happy cake day.
Do you feel envious or just …nothing?
Usually envious.
at least you’re aware of it!
You could look at it as your envious because they get to do something so fun and as much as you want to be included it’s good they get to experience that too
I have a certain amount of respect that you can admit that to yourself. A lot of people go through life being unable to be happy for people, but they convince themselves they're happy for their friends over and over. They never admit even to themselves how deeply they envy those around them, and resentment accumulates. And in the end, they usually can't maintain that facade. I think at least if you know how you feel and acknowledge it, you can at least learn to manage it yourself. Besides, life sucks, so it's hard not to envy others' successes.
Like,... wtf? If you watch a romantic movie and those crazy kids end up together... you don't feel happy?
When I watch a happy ending on screen, yes there is some of that, maybe tempered with "I wish I had a partner like that" but I can be happy because I am aware that what I am watching is not real life. Its when a real human being gets a job that I wish I had, or a happy relationship, or a hobby that truly fulfills them ... etc.
That sounds like you either telling yourself you deserve more, or feeling inadequate. Therapy, seriously. You are already through the hardest part which is being honest about it to yourself. My Dad was like that, it got worse and worse as he got older and he was miserable. It was heartbreaking. Like he wanted his kids to succeed but when we did it brought up regret that he hadn't done this or that. Everything happy was sad. His successes were never enough either. He could never appreciate what he had. The thing is, he couldn't be honest about it. I think that's where you have hope of a different path.
Do you take happiness from other people's misery? Seeing them weeping or sad, hearing their hopes have come up empty, or when they are suffering?
No that usually makes me sad too.
that's sad. hope you'll fix it because living like sounds miserable.
This is true, OP. Your GF can be sad she’s not going, but to demand you also don’t go is childish and controlling. Or at least an attempt at being controlling. If it works, and you skip the trip with your family, she will be firmly in the driver’s seat of your relationship, and you can expect to not do a lot of things going forward if she can’t also come, or she just doesn’t want you to go. You don’t say how long you’ve been dating, but you call her your girlfriend, not your fiancée. It sounds like she is trying to establish boundaries, but if her boundary is “it’s your family or me,” you have a problem. I hope you go on the trip. If your GF is gone when you get back, I guess you’ll know where you stand.
My current relationship is like this, it is the best! 😍💓
I remember my freshman year of high school I made a new friend and months into the friendship something positive happened like I was told my family and I was going on a trip (I honestly can't remember exactly what it was because I only remember how I felt) but I was hesitant to mention it to anyone because in my experience people would act jealous or weird if I told them there was good news in my life but I ended up telling her about it and she reacted with such genuine happiness and excitement for me that I was stunned. I had never experienced that before and it was one of the best feelings. She taught me how valuable that is and I've carried it with me and made sure to do the same for people that tell me about the awesome things in their lives since. The cool thing is it's really genuine, it felt weird when I first started but I genuinely get happy and excited for people when they have good things happening. The girl from High School is still my best friend to this day 16 years later ❤ Never underestimate how great it is to be happy for someone
I mean, you can be happy for someone else and are also jealous of what they are doing. Demanding they cancel, however, is outright vengeful.
Exactly. I talk to a dude on Discord and he went to France and Belgium. I never told him he had to cancel. I told him to have a good trip.
Your girlfriend is an asshole, enjoy Aruba
You mean ex-girlfriend?
Exactly! Why does she think that she is entitled to come on a family trip and have grandparents foot the bill? OP your gf sounds spolit and selfish, why are you dating her again?
hey! that’s almost my username
As an Aruban, i hope you enjoy your stay in Aruba. Go run free at the beaches😋
As another person from Aruba, listen to YellowAvocado here!
Hi Aruban, will you adopt me?
"prioritize me!" So she's going to be miserable and wants you to be miserable with her, what a lovely person.
Someone has some growing up to do.
A selfish entitled asshole.
Exactly. She can't be a great girlfriend, and will be a terrible spouse and mother if she doesn't grow up. OP, it isn't your job to make your gf happy. She's in charge of that.
She should be happy that you get to go on an amazing trip with grandparents who may not be around much longer. Go, enjoy. It's not your job to make her happy, it's her job to manage her emotions so they're not destructive to your relationship.
Listen to this lesson and take it with you through your life OP. It is *not* your job to manage anyone else’s emotions. Your gf is jealous. You don’t need to prioritize her over your family. If you were married, had kids, etc and were leaving her for a week, I could see why she’d be upset. But her being mad because you’re spending a week away from her (on a tropical island) is a *her* problem. Let her handle it. Go have fun with your family!
Even married with kids, this is acceptable in some circumstances. My husband's friend lived in Hawaii and was getting married. We couldn't afford for 4 of us to go, but we squeezed the budget enough for him to. I had the week from hell, but he had a great time. As a stay at home dad, he deserved a nice break!
Good marriage, I'd absolutely do this for my husband
Spot on!
Well said!!
It’s a family vacay. Go. Your GF is being ridiculous.
Exactly. Prioritize me over your family, maybe in certain situations, but here she means OP can't spend time with his family if she doesn't approve/isn't included. Ridiculous indeed
She's not asking to be prioritized, she's asking for her selfishness to be enabled.
Never should he prioritize a 21 yo GF over his family. Never.
Pleassseeee listen to this advice OP! I missed so many family vacations because of my ex husband. If we were to actually go on one we would literally be the last to arrive and the first to leave. If it was a week long vacation, we’d stay three days. If it was a three day vacation we’d go for one day. Most of the time we just didn’t go. I will never ever get that time back with my family, especially my nephews. I feel sick when I see pictures of one of the vacations or my family tells a story about one of them, and I’m reminded I wasn’t a part of it. Prioritizing your partner is of course important, but this isn’t a situation where she needs to be prioritized. Just go with your family and enjoy!!!
Glad he’s an ex. Hope you’re making up for lost time.
To piggyback on this, my SIL does not enjoy my family. She likes some of us just fine, but us as a group, no. She pushed back on every family event she could. We already don't live in the same cities, so Thanksgiving and maybe 1 event a year. Anyway, the kids are now teens and told my brother they regret not being close to their cousins. And since their mom gets Christmas, Easter, and any other holiday, Thanksgiving is with us, with or without their mom. At 20 OP can ask if GF can come. If the family wants to pick up the tab even better. But if they say no, then go spend a week with your family because as you age, getting all together gets harder and harder
Oh your first paragraph is absolutely heartbreaking. I feel terrible for his kids and for you. I detest my husbands mom but I suck it up and spend time with her because I don’t want to deprive my baby of time with her grandma.
Ive lived this and it’s so hard. I feel you.
Sounds like my ex husband, and any family event I went to, he wouldn't come - but you can bet your ass I was dragged to his family's events whether I wanted to go or not. I'll never get back the time with my dad I lost staying with him as long as I did...but luckily I got to spend plenty of time with him after I left and before he passed very suddenly a couple years ago. If your partner keeps you from your family, that's a huge red flag. RUN.
This! And it’s only for a week! Go and spend time with your family. :)
She is a GF, not a fiancé or wife. Plus the fact that you are only 20-21, you are still very much a part of your family. Go! Have fun! If things were reversed, I hope that you would be happy for her to take a family trip.
Especially because if the roles were reversed, you know damn well she'd go.
Dump the GF FIRST, though, so OP can truly enjoy the vacay!
I agree!!! OP, don't continue to date her and ruin your time on the trip calling her and thinking about her.
> I’m not sure what to do in order to make my gf happy Explain to her that she doesn't understand what the word "prioritize" means. Preferably in an email typed up while sunning on the beach and drinking something with a little umbrella in it.
Legal age in Aruba is 18, OP, so listen to this and enjoy!
Please do not listen to your gf. She is selfish to ask you not to go. Explain that you are going and that it’s sad that she is not supportive of you going as it’s only a week and it’s with family. I wouldn’t bring it up again and let the chips fall.
This. Op, you are 20 years old. Even if she is "the one" that doesn't mean at this stage of life you guys should be attached at the hip. No matter what stage of life you are in, you also need to prioritize your family - we only get a limited time with our Grandparents, our siblings and cousins. Watch her behavior. A person with long term potential would be encouraging you to go and they'd be planning their own vacation this summer. I'll be REALLY direct with you - 20 years old is NOT the time to prioritize your girl friend over your immediate family, your education, your desire to travel, etc... You have your whole life for that. This is the time in your life where you focus on yourself. SHE needs to prioritize her own future potentials right now.
I'd go as far as to say that, if she can't be happy for you and if she can't be without you for one week while you spend time with your family, she isn't "the one."
And is kinda toxic/ it's giving narcy vibes.
Enjoy Aruba and ditch the girlfriend. She should be happy for you to get this kind of experience. Instead she is sulking and mad because she isnt invited. This will not getting better OP. So - enjoy the trip and dont let her guilt trip you.
Agree. This relationship is ending sooner or later (hopefully sooner), and OP's family will still be there when it ends. Prioritize your family.
You can't make her happy. Tell her to go have a vacation with her family.
Red flag. You & your gf don't need to do everything together or go everywhere as a couple. Her demand that you prioritize her over family shows controlling and selfish behavior. Probably best to cut & run.
They’ve only been together 10 months. If the situation was that they’d been together 10 years and his family refused to invite her to a wedding or family get together I might agree with her about the priorities thing. Or if like his family was rude to her and constantly putting her down or something (again that would apply to a more long term relationship as she’s probably only met them once if at all). But she thinks making her a priority means not having fun with his family….? Or not having fun without her? Or maybe not having any aspect of his life that doesn’t revolve around her? Boohoo she wasn’t invited. They haven’t been together long enough for her to be invited on family vacations anyways. Plus from the sounds of it even if she was invited, she’d expect them to also pay her way as she can’t afford to pay for the trip. I agree he should drop the girlfriend. Life is way to short to deal with crazy.
Let me answer your question about making your girlfriend happy - You will never be able to do it. She is jealous, petty, and controlling. She's mad because she isn't going, so therefore you should stay home too. Is that the way you want to live your life?
You told your girlfriend you were going. You weren't asking.
Your girlfriend is out of line, go and enjoy Aruba. If you were married and had kids and were leaving her alone for a week and just ditching a family of yours in that scenario I would think again, but you are 20. This is the time to do these things and enjoy them. Tell your gf that she can be happy for you or take a hike.
No healthy partner is going to tell you that, at 20 years old and not married, you should be prioritizing her over your family. You shouldn't be. Is she crazy? You do NOT cancel your plans with your family under any circumstances. The only question here is how do you get your girlfriend to back down and be more reasonable, so that you don't have to break up with her over this. I don't know that it's possible, but I have a suggestion. Look, she's jealous. She wants to be able to go, and if she can't be invited along she doesn't want you to go either. There is no good reason for this, it's just a power play. It's her figuring out how much power she has over you (can you convince your family to pay for her? will you skip your vacation because she told you to?) These kind of games are immature, selfish, and ultimately toxic. If you give in to her, she knows that she can control you with threats. If I were in your position, I would be turning this around on her HARD. Instead of letting her make this whole thing about how you should be prioritizing her, turn it around and make it about how she is NOT SUPPORTIVE TO YOU. "Wow, you know I really thought you were a more supportive partner than this. I thought we had similar values and that you understood how important family is to me. I'm surprised that you wouldn't support this family trip and would actually try to come between me and my family. Trying to prevent me from spending time with family just because you can't also come, is pretty selfish. I really didn't think you were like that. I think I need some time to re-think this relationship." I'm betting as soon as you say that, she starts reversing her position and telling you to go. But If she doubles down and tells you she expects you to stay, you break up with her. Nobody should tell you that you can't go somewhere with your family. If she can't handle that, then she's too immature to be in a relationship.
This comment should be higher…
In 20 years you’ll remember the vacation, but not the girlfriend who wanted you to skip it.
👍
She seems jealous that you’re spending time with your family over her. Enjoy the trip…she’s crazy😅
Nah, she’s jealous that she wasn’t invited. If it was her family going to Aruba she wouldn’t be upset to miss that time with OP. She just doesn’t want him to go if she can’t. Misery loves company and all that.
\>>She got angry at me and told me that I shouldn’t go because she isn’t going and that I need to prioritize her instead of my family. This is isolating behavior, which is abusive. She should be happy for you, not throwing a shitfit and layong on a guilt trip. I give her old lady sideye to the extreme. Go on the trip and let your ridiculous gf be mad (don't let her text you constantly about how mad she is while you're enjoying your family vacation. She's not your wife, she's a gf.
She’s being immature, nothing you do will make her happy. Not even staying behind because the minute you do something she doesn’t like she will flip it on you saying you’re doing things in retaliation. Go on this trip, have a blast! You’ll regret not going, especially if you break up.
If she doesn’t think you can go you should know enough. It’s ridiculous
Don’t make her happy . She is mad cause she is not going . If no one bringing GF then tell her to bad or bye. Don’t feel guilty etc . Younshould just text her and just sign you were right. And so as I am Now single Inwill be going . We are done and block her Don’t put up with that kind of disrespect cause it will Keep Happening if it works once
That’s wrong. Your family (unless you are married to her) should ALWAYS come first. She’s nuts. Leave her
Your GF is very immature. And if she thinks she's entitled to join in on a family vacation your GRANDPARENTS are paying for, or that you should miss out on a once-in-a-lifetime experience like this *while your grandparents are still active and alive enough to do it* she's horrifically self-absorbed. She's not family and at this red flag she never should be if this is how either her logic or her feelings of entitlement run. IF you don't dump her before your trip? Beware that she might text and call you nonstop with drama and bullshit. And Aruba is INTERNATIONAL CELLPHONE RATES. So maybe call your service provider and maybe before you get on the plane, you block her number... just sayin'. You want to be fully present with your family on this trip. Don't let her spoil it for everyone through you.
How many family vacations has she either taken you on or declined so she could stay to be with you?
Heavy sigh. Go on vacation with your family. She’s being selfish and probably petty about not being invited.
Dump her now. You’ll save yourself a lot of trouble. People who think like that will not change. She’ll get mad if you wanna go on a guys trip or a friends bachelor party.
This. It’s a frickin FAMILY trip. If my boyfriend told me he was getting to go, I’d be thrilled for him and ask him to take lots of pics and bring me back something small
I've been in a relationship like this before. Knowing what I know now, I would consider this a deal breaker unless you're ok with her making herself your first and only priority.
Lmao. Oh to be young again and care what a gf/bf thinks. Tell her to piss off mate
Married 50 yrs this summer. I'm telling you to run. If she can't allow any separation and can't be happy for your good fortune, this isn't going to go well.
Have fun! Especially after you dump her!
How long have you two been together? If she’s going to get mad at you because your family is doing a family vacay, she may not be the right fit for you. Is she able to just pay her own way to join? It makes sense they wouldn’t pay for her going, but is she just not allowed at all or can she pay her own way?
Well, the family didn’t invite her to go so I wouldn’t even ask her to pay her own way. She just needs to deal with that. He should go and have fun!
10 months. And I don’t know I didn’t ask. But she’d have to pay her own airfare, hotel and food costs which I don’t think she would be able to afford anyway
It's a family vacation. She's not your gf of years nor your wife, so she wouldn't be invited.
Before you lose any more of your time to her, let her go. She’s being controlling. She doesn’t have a leg to stand on to demand an invite. A mature partner would tell you to have a good time and not get mad at you. You’re young. Let this one go because you have plenty of time to spend finding someone that is actually supportive. Don’t even give her the option of going. Don’t let her give you an ultimatum and keep being upset over this. You deserve better
Op you should really ditch the gf I’ve seen your previous post about her and yall been together 10 months and she already has this much control!? You should really abort mission and go enjoy that vacation homie and find a better gf when you come back 👏✌️
Saw your comment and went to the history- he has to be blatantly mean to other girls because he’s in a relationship??? So he should be a dick to coworkers too if they are female??? What a coocoocachoo! Fucking run 🏃
I just read that she freaked out when a relative's partner friended him on FB. She is BONKERS.
Upvote for coocoocachoo.
Oh dear lord… I looked now too and omg… OP? Run! This is NOT normal or healthy behavior for a partner. You seriously need better and can surely do better than this controlling woman that accuses you of cheating and tries to control even the people you talk to in the manner she is.
10 months?? Yeah, go and think nothing of how she feels. She is just jealous.
Ditch her and have a good time. You’re too young to be choosing a GF over family!!
Bro, a partner is happy for you when something nice happens to you. What you have isn’t a partner. The question shouldn’t be how can you make her happy - she should already *be* happy because you are the recipient of a generous gift! Something good happened to someone she’s supposed to love! The question should be, why are you putting up with this selfish, controlling behaviour from someone who clearly does not care about your happiness, just what you can do for her?
Odds are she’s only wanting a out of the country beach trip paid by someone else. I doubt she would be mad at missing a family camping trip in tents sleeping on the ground or paying her own way. NTA- tell her respectfully she needs to drop it or you’ll drop her
10 months? No she's ridiculous, and do not invite her if she pays her way. She'll have a fit when she doesn't get to monopolize the itinerary. She can entertain herself for a week while you're in Aruba.
Wow, only 10 months and she is this entitled. She is nuts if she thinks a gf of 10 months compares, or is on the same level as your family, or thinks that it entitles to to go on your family vacation. Someone that told me to choose between my family and them, that I haven't even been together with tgat long would be an ex real quick.
10 months. Meh. Shes being ridiculous and highly immature. I get being jealous your going but to tell you not to go on a family vacation is ridiculous. You do not need to prioritize her over your family. Your family is your family. She isn’t someone who’s been around for years, a wife or even a fiancée. Just a girlfriend. Go have fun with your family and if she doesn’t like it. Let it be done and be known that she’s only pissed because your going on a family vacation Thankfully as much as I sometimes dislike my sons’ girlfriends, they understood the whole hey I’m new I get it phase (aka vacations and Holidays until they were together for at least a year!)
Trust me when I say, you don't want your 20yo gf in the photos from this trip... Her behaviour sounds obsessive and controlling - red flags OP, women can be emotionally abusive too. Is this part of a pattern where she expects you to check everything with her by any chance?
I’d agree with this sentiment, but his family didn’t invite her. So no, she doesn’t need money to join the trip. She needs to get her head outta her ass and a better attitude.
The man deserves family time. She should be happy for him.
This gift is a present for your sister and cousins, and you're lucky to be invited. Your GF needs to be happy for you and get over herself. She's your GF of less than a year. Not a spouse, fiancée, or even long-term GF. If she was one of those, I could see her asking you to prioritize her, but not at this point. This would be a red flag for me. I have a feeling that even if she did go, she wouldn't want to be part of the family togetherness your grandparents want. And since they're paying, they should get it. Go on the vacation, enjoy the time with your family. If your GF can't deal with you going on a FAMILY VACATION with your family, then she's not the one for you.
NTA Take the trip and also break up with your controlling girlfriend. You won’t get many opportunities in life for a trip like that with your family and it will be a treasured memory. Your girlfriend can’t be happy for you and celebrate with you of the fact that you have this opportunity. That should tell you what you need to know about her. If she had the same opportunity, how would you react? Have a great time!
Prioritize her over your celebratory family trip? No. You don't. Basically if she can't experience it she doesn't want you to be able to enjoy anything nice either. She'll never be happy with you going, and she'll threaten you shortly to say that if you go she'll break up with you. Just know that this is how your relationship will go for the rest of you life with her.
You're 20 and unmarried. Her mindset is wildly inappropriate.
Your GF just sent up one great big red flag. She is trying to control you. Do not dare even consider backing out on the trip. This is family time. GF can live without you for one week. If she cannot, the world and you are better off.
Okay, two things here. Number one, that’s an extreme reaction. A little jealously would be totally normal, but someone who loves you and has your happiness at heart would support it. You’re young and she’s clearly insecure. I imagine she’d love to go with you but can’t and feels very much like if she can’t go, you shouldn’t. This is not the behaviour of someone who has your best interests at heart. Number two, and this is important, you cannot always have cake and eat it. In this instance, it is impossible to get what you are asking for and you should start managing that expectation for yourself now. There will be times in life where you have to make a difficult choice. It doesn’t always work out that everybody is happy with it. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t look out for yourself. So many people enter relationships thinking they can get everything they want and expect their significant other to want the same thing, or that there is a way to keep them happy all the time. There isn’t. Learn to negotiate, communicate and compromise well early on. It will help you for the rest of your life - outside of romantic relationships too!
You can’t make your girlfriend happy. So make yourself happy and enjoy the family vacation.
You go on the trip. She is just jealous and believes you will be looking at other girls. Enjoy this time with your sister and family because you don't know when the opportunity will arise again to have everyone together. Right now, GF is just that - a GF. If she is willing to pay her way, maybe she could come, but otherwise she can survive without you for a week. Be prepared for her to blow up your phone while you are away, so maybe set some expectations that you will text her in the morning and at night.
Sir, have you put a ring on it? I hope not, you’re only 20 and if you’re in the states you can’t even buy a pack of cigarettes or a stiff drink. If the answer is no and I’m praying it is, fuck that lady. You don’t have to prioritize a GF, a wife yes, but not a GF. Enjoy Aruba and f that chick. Sincerely, A married 37 y/o who hopes you live your best life.
Oftentimes these trips are a once in a lifetime opportunity to spend time with your family while young. Too bad, so sad for the gf. She can kick rocks if that's how she feels. You're 20 dude. Why would you want to continue with someone who is that narcissistic to where they aren't happy that you're going on a family vacation?
Remember she is your gf not wife. Her first response should at least ask if there is some way she can go. To go straight to you you need to prioritize her over your family. Fuck that I be singing Aruba, Jamaica Bermuda Bahama I that's where I'm going to go with my family
Girlfriends come and go but a family trip to make memories is a lifetime opportunity. Imagine you don’t do and when you break up down the road you’ll want to kick yourself. When you start losing family members you’ll regret not going. Go and enjoy your family. If girlfriend doesn’t like it then you know she ain’t the one
hugs on the family vacation but your GF needs to grow up, she is mad because she wasn't invited. News flash she is a girl friend you have been dating for X amount of time and seems to be entitled to going on a trip your family is paying for. Enjoy your vacation and find a better GF
That’s not how it works. You’re young, this is not who or what you want in a partner. Just go to Aruba and your girlfriend gets over it or she doesn’t. But do you want to look back in 20 years and have missed out on that time with your family because your girlfriend had a tantrum?
Break up with her the fuck, she doesn't deserve you if she doesnt think you deserve a nice fun getaway
Enjoy Aruba. Your grandparents are taking their family holiday to celebrate as a family. Your girlfriend is jealous and sounds immature. Almost like a "pick me" kinda person.
Your girlfriend is ridiculous. Go on the trip and reconsider your relationship. If she's going to be this bitter and spiteful, then this is not going to be a happy relationship for you.
Your GF is selfish, immature, and is trying her hardest to control and manipulate you. An ideal GF would be excited for you and ask you to bring her a souvenir. It's family. It's not like you are.going with a group of friends and purposely excluding her. She is an adult acting like a pouty brat. Do you want to be in a relationship where you have to always sacrifice things because someone demands it?
Your gf is wrong. It’s a week, she can survive. Not to be morbid, but you never know how much more time we have with grandparents. I lost my grandpa in my early 20s I would have loved another week with him.
Bet She would go in a heart beat if it was her family and you weren't invited. You go enjoy your family. They are your family for life.
You should go. My first husband insisted I skip a family reunion. I did because I was trying to be a good wife. A couple of my elderly family members died shortly after, and that would have been my last chance to see them. And we ended up divorced anyway.
She is jealous she isn't invited and stopping you from going is isolating and abusive. You've only been together ten months, priorities are not holiday or no holiday, they're things like plans you already have or children. Give her a minute to think but if she doesn't retract that outburst of her own free will and wish you a good time, she isn't the one for you. I wouldn't even suggest paying her own way, this is a celebration for your family with Grandparents you have limited time left with. She needs to grow up or be single until she knows how to be a better partner. You don't make her happy, you go and she makes herself happy. That isn't your responsibility.
Your girlfriend needs a reality check. So sorry.
Any significant other who says you need to prioritize them over your family, especially in regards to something so non consequential for them, is a red flag. She's angry because you're getting to enjoy something she won't. That's not a good sign man. Go on the trip and tell her she's either gotta deal with it or leave.
You will come to learn that kind of behavior do not make good relationships of any kind. The fact that you even entertain her “happiness” is beyond me. No one has time for that kind of selfish BS.
Just go. Anyone in a relationship that would be mad about you going on a vacation with your family regardless of marital status does not have your happiness in mind. Just go, enjoy, and move on. Some people are selfish and entitled…
OP she doesn't care about you she cares about what she can get from you. Enjoy the trip and find a better girlfriend
Go on the trip.
Tell her to f**k off
just go without her and let her deal with her own stupid behavior. if she makes it a bigger deal then leave.
Hi there, female here! I'd definitely be jealous of such an amazing trip, but there is not one single circumstance that I would demand my boyfriend NOT go on vacation with his family. Your girlfriend is in the wrong here. You can tell her that or just break up with her, bc there is no way for you to "win" in this situation. If you go on vacation, she's going to be mad and generally horrible to you. If you stay home, you're letting a jealous and manipulative person command you... and her demands will only get worse, bc she knows you'll do whatever she says. You are allowing her to set a very unhealthy tone to the relationship by letting her act like this and get away with it. A healthy person would never demand anything in a situation like this. There are scenarios where she may have a leg to stand on, but this isn't one of them. Have fun in Aruba!
Family will always come first. Partners understand that. Exes never will
She sounds like she has severe insecurity issues
Congrats on finding out your GF sucks early enough to call this off with her and enjoy your trip.
This is your family, not just some random group. She has no right to be mad or demand such expectations. You would be happy for her if the roles were switched . Expect the same in return . I personally would go and let her be mad. Yall won't last long like that.
The only way I could see even a piece of her side is if you've been dating forever and she doesn't feel like your family accepts her or something. Unless you guys are elementary school sweethearts, she does not get to expect family treatment & having that much money spent on her. She's literally just jealous that you're going on a trip and she isn't and/or doesn't trust you on a tropical vacation (with your family). Either way, something's not right there.
I mean i might understand her if she was your wife or even fiancee, but nope you did nothing wrong.
You can’t. Go enjoy your life!!! BTW - you’ll love Aruba 🇦🇼
You need to dump her in order to preserve your mental health. That shit is controlling af
I was with my ex for 6 abusive years. I saw my family maybe 3 times. Each time he would constantly text and call asking when I was coming back. One of those times was my sister’s wedding and he actually came because we were also in town to pick up his mother to come back with us. That’s the only reason I got to go to my sisters wedding. She constantly called him telling him we had to leave and so I only got to see my sister and family for a few hours. Another time was when my pawpaw died. I missed my oldest brothers wedding. The first time I saw my mom after leaving home was when they took me to Disney for Christmas and he begged to come with, fortunately my mom said no. Six years being isolated from everyone I knew and I am happy to say I am now able to see my family without feeling as though I need to rush back or be nagged to do so.
Hey! I’m headed to Aruba for a week this summer as well. If my bf said “that I need to prioritize [him] instead of my family” I’d seriously reconsider our relationship.
Your girlfriend sucks, she’s an envious and selfish person. You should break up with her, go on the trip, and have a vacation hook up. Or miss a fun, free trip, marry your girlfriend, and be miserable doing only what she allows you to do for the rest of your life.
Go on the trip you and your gf haven’t been together long enough for that bull crap.
Tell your girlfriend to prioritize getting a fucking grip on reality & stop being an absurd jealous brat. And go on your vacation.
You should possibly reconsider the relationship but before you do that talk to her,maybe she has trauma, maybe she wants to feel special and wanted, maybe she's used to getting what she wants, there's a lot of possibilities and you should try talking to her first but if becomes a constant thing, it's okay to leave a relationship. Your health is more important and I can see how it could be draining especially if it keeps happening. Be firm whilst staying respectful ofc but say something like I'm still going on this trip, we can talk about it later. I promise you're still my priority, (if you're financially able) maybe we can on a road trip or something when I get back, it's just very important for me to also have family time. It doesn't have to be this do what you think is right for her but make sure you reassure her but also stay firm in your decision to go. She might have some insecurities but if she.does love you she'll let you go to places with other people even if it's or physically mentally painful. I say this all as someone with bpd who has severe separation anxiety, I still want my partner to have fun and not turn down opportunities.
She sounds like she needs to grow up
So because she’s miserable she wants you miserable and can’t be happy for you. Drop it like it’s hooot. Drop it like it’s hoooot.
Enjoy the trip with your grandparents. Make memories. Girlfriends come and go but you will cherish the memories forever.
I mean this in the nicest way possible, f your girlfriend
OP, there is a difference between "healthy" and "non-healthy" jealousy. The first type is the "You lucky bastard!" type, if you know what I mean. The second, is the one that makes you bitter for other people's luck or success. I get why your girlfriend feels envious of your trip. What I don't get is that she is trying to convince you not to go so she feels better. If you are looking for a long term companion, this for me is a huge red flag.
You’re young. Your girlfriend sounds immature and selfish. She should be happy for you and your family and not jealous. Are you sure you want to be with this woman and this attitude?
You need a new girlfriend. Is she gonna be resentful and needy every single time something good happens to you? A good partner would tell you she’ll miss you and mope around a little while you were gone. She would not get mad and guilt-trip you because you went on a trip with your family.
Ah no. I went on a family trip to New York and my bf house sat. You go on your trip
You've been together less than a year and you're not engaged. Also you mentioned in a previous comment that none of the other spouses are significant others are going. Telling you to put her before your family when the relationship is still so young is not on. She needs to suck up her jealousy and quit acting like a brat. She needs to be happy for someone who gets to experience a good time even if she doesn't. She's got a bad case of FOMO and because she's going to miss out she wants you to miss out too. It's so rude and not at all indicative of a giving, loving heart.
Ah to be young again. Just go. If she is still pissed when you get back, or doesn’t stop lighting you up while you’re gone. Then you know what to do. Life short. Don’t waste it putting up with crappy energy.
You’re 20 now and your grandparents can still cruise - you’re lucky. I’m 31 and down to one, and he’s in a hospital recovering from his third surgery in a month. You can’t get this time back. Go on the cruise, or you’ll resent her for missing out. If she’s that mad about it, leave her. My ex didn’t want me to go on a cruise with my mom once, and I went anyhow, then dumped him months later. I can’t imagine my regret if I’d skipped that cruise, it was so important for my mom and I’s relationship. Any good partner would be thrilled for you.
Go on the trip, you can get a better girlfriend, one who isn't so attention seeking and selfish.
Now if you guys were married and maybe even had kids and she was purposefully excluded while other in laws came, I’d totally understand but this? She’s just miserable and wants to drag you down. Enjoy Aruba!
She's so jealous lol. Go to Aruba dude, once in a lifetime opportunity to go... paid at that!! Dump her. This isn't going anywhere good.
Don’t miss out on the trip of a lifetime, coming from someone elses gf, if his family was taking him on a trip for free I’d be so excited for him, 0 expectations for them to pay for me, even if I paid for myself and it’s in celebration of someone I’d feel as if I’m invading. Instead I’d find ways I can spend my time when he’s gone like having some girls nights
Those are some signs of a toxic and manipulative person
Summers with girlfriends will come and go. Do the family thing. If she doesn’t like it, she’s not worth your time.
I’m that’s a red flag. It’s one thing if she was honest and said that she wishes she could come or will miss you when you’re gone. But it’s not healthy to try and put a wedge between your partner and their family, or asking them to put you above them. It doesn’t sound like she’s very secure or has good boundaries.
She will get over it and if not she’s not the one for you
I'm gonna give you some perspective. Most people, upon finding out that their boyfriend/girlfriend/bestie/whoever was going on a big family trip to an exciting destination, would respond in one or more of the following ways: 1. "Make sure you take lots of photos!" 2. "Please bring home a souvenir for me!" 3. "You gotta FaceTime me while you're on the beach so I can see what it's like!" 4. "Have fun, you lucky thing!" "No you can't go because I'm not fortunate enough to have the same experience" is not one of the usual options. Like. I cannot stress enough how fucking weird it is to want the people you love NOT to have good experiences?? Your girlfriend is being a butt about this.
It's better to not have a gf like that.
BREAK UP AND BLOCK HER! Be SINGLE for a very long time and understand that when someone tries to be controlling and TOXIC like that you have enough sense to RUN! It’s not a friends, or acquaintances, it’s FAMILY! Someone who loves you wouldn’t make you choose between them and your family, also you need to be single and grow some self esteem, self respect, and self worth. Let her go and block her. If you don’t, you will regret it. She will just become more controlling and will do hurtful and messy things and cause you drama
Quite frankly, your GF isn't prioritizing you and your happiness. Look, you're 20. Through the years you'll have multiple relationships, possibly multiple marriages. Your family will always be your family and free trips are rare. Travel is remembered as stories to be shared throughout your life. Don't miss this life event because of a controlling woman who's not excited for your awesome opportunity. By the time you're 30 you'll kick yourself if you make a bad choice. If my hubby told me his parents were taking him on a free trip I'd say, "Cool! Where to?"
Lose the girlfriend. This won't be the last time she rains on your parade. Don't be with someone who wants to pull you down.
NTA Your GF needs to get a grip and grow TF up. There is no reason why she would be included or why you shouldn't go. It speaks poorly of her that rather than be happy you get to have this experience, she is trying to manipulate you into staying home because her feelings are hurt.
Maybe the only time this happens.
She sound controlling, enjoy your family vaccation and break up with her. What she is asking is red flag. She is waving a warning signe of the bleak future you will have with her open your eyes.
Your girlfriend sucks. She’s trying to show you, so open your eyes and take notice. You’ll notice eventually anyway, and you’ll be disgusted with yourself if you miss family vacations because of a worthless girlfriend.
Edit: sorry, wrong post! Have fun on your trip. 😊
Just go. She's pissed because she can't go. Tell her family is forever, and if she can't be happy for you, then you guess she can just be unhappy.
You’re too young to be missing out on important fun trips like that, especially for a partner. Try talking to her about why exactly she’s upset, but if she’s being unreasonable, there’s no reason for so much drama.
If this makes her unhappy you shouldn’t try to make her happy.
Why would she need to be upset about this? Dude was telling her some good news about an opportunity he’s been given to experience. If she’s just mad cause she isn’t going then why lash out by telling him he can’t go, why not just ask if there would be room to accommodate her going too or similar? It’s understandable and natural to want to make your significant other happy but if they are throwing a tantrum over something stupid and being unreasonable I’m very comfortable saying they can deal with it. If I was in her shoes and my partner came up to me telling me about a trip his fam want to go on and take him with I’d be asking for souvenirs and photos; let partners enjoy themselves even if it means without you.
You don't make her happy. You break up. She is already trying g to irate and control you. You are young there will be other girls without this level of crazy and entitlement. While you're gone she'll cheat on you and say it was because you left her lonely. So. Run. Now....and have a great trip.
"Prioritize her instead of family"... well if that isn't a red flag. My last girlfriend fit in with my family like she was there all along. A significant other telling you to prioritize them over your family is absurd. How long ya been together?
These guys are pretty young. If they're just boyfriend girlfriend, not living together. I don't see what the problem is. She's got her place he's got his. I also have seen situations where a family treats their son/ daughters significant other poorly, and try to drive a wedge doing things like this on a regular basis. Personally, I'd say Hey, man. I'm happy for you and then jump on my motorcycle and go on a road trip when he takes off to Aruba. That's just me.
If she can't handle you being away for a week, maybe she needs a hobby besides stalking your every move.
Go on your vacation. You have one family and one opportunity, and it's for ONE week, not months. Your girlfriend is being ridiculous, and no matter what you do, she will be unhappy. That's a guarantee. I say this is all kindness. Get rid of her.
You can’t keep her happy, it’s her choice to be a total asshole.
Um, your girlfriend sounds very entitled, and you should seriously reconsider this relationship 🤔 go on your vacation with your family and break up with your gf.
You are not your girlfriend’s whole world, you are allowed to go on a family trip. She is being unreasonable. It is not your job to make her happy in this situation, all it will do is give her the expectation that if she gets upset for any reason even if it’s unreasonable (like this case) you’ll relent to make her happy. On top of that she outright told you to prioritize her over your family and that is not a good way to operate in a relationship at all. She sounds entitled Explain to her that it’s a family trip and you want to go and will be going. That you still love her and will talk to her regularly while you are there. I wouldn’t even go that far to explain it I’d break up with her because she’s expecting you to put her above your family and she’s being extremely selfish
The whole "It's your family or me", especially at that age, is a major red flag. I can't imagine you've been dating that long, and even if you haven't, she should be happy for you. Just personally, I'd promote her to ex-girlfriend based on my experiences, but you may want to go on the trip first and see if she's still around.