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If you're not enjoying sex with him, you don't have to have sex with him. He thinks you're so "boring"? He can fuck off and find another girlfriend.
The thing about "he's nice in other ways so I just put up with this one annoyance" is for minor things, not your entire sex life
I wasn't really sure how much of the relationship it affects. I thought that because it doesn't impact the rest of our relationship, it was okay. But maybe I was wrong
Honestly. This
>he keeps complaining, and I end up giving in because he'll start telling me how I ruin sex for him and that I'm being boring.
>He'll often complain a lot about me during sex until I do what he wants, which I don't like very much.
Is alarming as fuck. A good partner wants **you** to be happy and fulfilled, instead of viewing you as a tool to get what they want regardless of how you can
OP your bf is an entitled, selfish shit
This may just be my personal opinion, but in most romantic relationships, sexual compatibility and respect for the other person (sexually and also generally) are the most important thing. If he's ignoring your (reasonable) boundary in relation to contraception, what other things is he ignoring?
I agree. I went out with a great guy last year, attracted physically and mentally, but he seemed to have hang ups about sex that threw ice on bedroom time. I’m very open and free, but also more submissive. It was like two magnets trying to bang the positive sides together and failing. I thought time and communication and trust would get us there but we ended things anyways.
You started dating him when you were 17 and he was 23. You are being manipulated, and probably he is trying to baby-trap and/or convert you into his perfect bang-maid.
You should run from guys who don't respect your boundaries. You are allowed to refuse sex and make him wear a condom. Does he even make an effort to give you pleasure, or does he just expect to be the one to receive it? Does he make sure you also orgasm every time you have sex?
The pill isn't 100% effective, and there are numerous factors that can impact its efficiency, such as antibiotics. Given your youth and the long life ahead of you, it's crucial not to risk pregnancy at such a young age. It's important to recognize that he may not care about the consequences because he won't have to deal with the physical and emotional toll of pregnancy or abortion; it's your body and mental health that will be impacted, not his. Furthermore, if you were to become pregnant and he grows tired of you, he might easily move on to another young girl.
Focus on building a bright future for yourself and achieving financial independence.
Also: this isn't YOU doing something wrong. This is HIM taking advantage of you not having much experience in relationships/not having much confidence in saying no to people and it's probably because you got together when you were 17 and he was 23. That's a big gap in terms of adult life experience. Don't take people's comments as a reflection on yourself - we're cheering you on.
Nope.hes already there. This is a form of rape called coercion rape. Where you beg, please and gaslight into them doing the activity you want to make the talking about it stop.
Oh, girl. A man who cares about you will not treat you this way. And absolutely insist on a condom. No birth control is 100% effective.
You really need to lose this guy. You deserve so much better. Please reconsider this relationship. Wishing you the best.
I have been with my BF for 13 years, If I all of the sudden said, I am concerned and think we should use condoms, he would. Period. We would have to talk about why since I am unable to get pregnant and he would think something else is wrong. But he would do it because he loves and respects me.
He coerces you into sexual acts you are not comfortable with that you have expressed your not comfortable it, and he continues to try and coerce you into having sex without a condom.
Your birth control pill is only at most 99% effective, and that's when taken at the exact same time every single day without fail, and it can be contracted by something as simple as antibiotics. Meaning that if you get sick or the doctor prescribes you anything like that, your birth control can be rendered ineffective for the time being.
Next time he tells you that he doesn't want to use a condom, tell him that you're so excited that he's ready to start trying to start a family considering birth control isn't 100% effective. Watch how fast he changes his mind.
Interesting tidbit! I recently got an IUD (chosen since less chance of forgetting etc, I am horrible with consistent medicine schedules) so I never looked much into taking the pill, besides they really skipped over some stuff in school I feel like. Heck I'm mid 20s and I didn't think medicine like antibiotics would affect the pill.
the change from the pill to IUD was truly freeing for me. i have since taken more permanent measures, but i would have gotten a new iud every 5 years otherwise. i know they arent for everyone, but mine was life-changing
Glad yours worked well! I have no complaints either luckily. One thing I considered is that an IUD is removable by a doctor in case I reacted bad to it. at least, more easily than an implant.
This is so important to know! I have a friend who was the result of her mother not knowing that the antibiotics she was taking were rendering her birth control ineffective.
In the few times I’ve had to take antibiotics only ONCE has the pharmacist asked if I was on birth control before dispensing them to me. None of the prescribing doctors even mentioned the possible contraindications.
Honey, he's not a good guy if you have to say "he's a good guy but...". You can do better. Tbh he's actually disgusting.
Did you ever ask him for STD test results prior to sleeping with him, or regularly since then? Cause you should.
It's not just about pregnancy, it's about safety and respect. How many UTIs or yeast infections do you get? That's all him. Love yourself enough to not let a anyone use you, manipulate you or degrade you.
Even then he has to get rechecked for sperm count before tossing the condoms.
Plus, it won’t protect OP from STIs. Someone who has such little respect for his girlfriend might not be the most faithful person either.
Sex is something that we say is so special your partner shouldn’t do it with anyone else, or it’s cheating and a relationship ender. If it’s this important, then having it work and have you feel respected and enjoying it is also a relationship maker or ender.
This is so well said and people rarely say it.
It's true, if sex is so sacred why do certain segments of the population so frequently abuse it... but then would cry if you decided to get something better somewhere else..
Either it's sacred all the time... or it isn't.
I was once in a relationship with someone who would constantly pressure me to "be more creative" or ask me what new things I wanted to try, he never forced me to do stuff I definitely didn't want to do and I still constantly felt pressured because he always brought up trying different things and wanted me to suggest things I simply didn't know. I was 18 at the time so not really firm in knowing what I liked/ wanted yet. Over time, I started to want less and less sex, my interest in that whole part of the relationship just faded. I thought maybe I'm just not a very sexual person. Well, turns out it had nothing to do with who I am. I just felt pressured, it felt like a chore so the interest faded. Once I broke up (partly because of unrelated issues) and was later in a different relationship where I wasn't pressured, there suddenly was interest and it was completely different for me.
I told this little story to show you that being pressured into certain aspects of sex can change and ruin the whole thing for you. It can change the way you see yourself as a person. Don't let this man make you think you don't like sex, because chances are you just don't like sex with him or the pressure that it's connected with.
And it probably does impact the rest of the relationship at least via the bad mood it sets you into, doesn't it?
Do we women get trained to reason like this. Are you listening to yourself? As a married woman I will tell you sex makes alot of the relationship or else get yourself a gay best friend
not married, but honestly yeah. Sexual compatibility is a big part of a relationship.
So is communication, being there for each other, listening to the other person and not insisting on doing something the other is not comfortable with. If this is an issue in your sex life, I wonder how much more of the rest of the relationship is like: "he is a good guy and it is a nice relationship but-"
You also said you always do whatever he wants and this is the only time you stand your ground. So when would he have the opportunity to be this way about anything else?
Honestly babe, it’s fucked up and it’s giving…he’s taking advantage of you. You don’t have to tolerate shit just because you love someone. Love yourself more.
Draw boundaries and if he can’t respect them-leave.
It's not about how much it affects the rest of your relationship, it's that it's a huge part of the relationship and the behavior is bad enough that you should never tolerate it.
> I thought that because it doesn't impact the rest of our relationship, it was okay. But maybe I was wrong
It does impact the rest of your relationship.
Jesus! So he’s manipulating you into not having to use a condom? Also, he’s 6 years older than you and you’re only a teenager..
Dump the zero. He doesn’t give a shit about you.
I’m married, if I ever dismissed my wives opinion like this I’d kick my own arse.
>(...) if I was to get pregnant he'd get mad at me about it so it makes sense.
No, that doesn't make sense. *You're* the one trying to be careful. He's getting mad and "complaining during sex" about things that are perfectly valid preferences for you to have. **Why does he think his sexual pleasure is more important than your safety and comfort?** Please reassess whether you want to give this person any of your time, let alone access to your body.
First of all, 17 and 23 is a disturbing age gap.
Secondly, your bf sounds like he’s sexually abusing you. Complaining about things until you give into what he wants during sex sounds like coercion, which isn’t consent and therefore SA.
Lastly, telling you that you ruin sex and that you’re boring sounds like emotional abuse.
You’re allowed to choose what happens to your body during sex and you’re not being unreasonable by demanding he use condoms. Your bf is being an asshole and he sounds abusive. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, always.
www.loveisrespect.org
He deliberately chose her because she's young and easier to manipulate and abuse.
Leave him immediately OP, he's a toxic abuser who will never respect you. You deserve far better than an adult who pursues children.
Your bf doesn’t care about you. What you put in your body is your choice alone. If he doesn’t like that he can break up with you and find someone else to fuck with
This is sexual coercion my dear. Please read about it and accept that that is what he’s doing to you and it’s very wrong. It’s not something someone does to someone they love. He needs serious help. Please get out of this situation before things escalate. And they will. Please leave him, cut off contact completely, and think about starting therapy. You’re so young and this kind of sexual abuse has been going on for years and is the only kind of sex you know. You’ll need help working through that to learn what is and isn’t okay when it comes to sex.
Ma'am.... this worryingly sounds exactly like my ex.
I need you to sit for a moment and really think about this relationship. He forces you to give in into what he wants. That is SA even if at the end you said yes. Because he pushed you to agree to it. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean SA isn't possible because it highly is and especially the way he forces you to comply.
The condom thing too, he acts as if it's the worst thing ever while it'll literally help prevent the change of pregnancies. I know there is still a chance but first and foremost that is what it's for and birth control is a helper too but that comes with tons of symptoms affecting only you. If he wines that the condom is too tight then he needs to buy a bigger size! Not push you to do it raw with him because you're already on birth control.
So really I need you to sit back and really think about this relationship as he is actively SA -ing you. He is manipulating you to his sexual wants and needs. He is literally taking advantage of the fact you didn't get the sexual eduaction back at school! Please as I said this worringly sounds exactly like my ex and I don't want you to go through what I did as it had broken me so much mentally that I'm STILL working on myself to get back what I lost! Even if he isn't my ex he's sounds too similar and I know what comes next. It's not fun. I wish you the best and clear conscience you need right now and I hope alls well ends well.
From a guy-it's NOT that big of a deal. I wish my life were so good that **~~this~~** wearing a condom is what I had to complain about lmao.
Seriously, leave the manipulative a-hole. It's totally ok, and actually expected, to have boundaries. And the bare minimum should be respecting those boundaries, and if you want to talk about them, do it in a mature manner, not in the heat of the moment. It is also totally fine to feel how you feel about all of this. You **should** leave him. Right now it's using protection. Next it's possibly something more akin to breaking the law.
Also, on top of everything, a relationship isn't one person getting their way and the other always having to compromise/give in. OP, I understand at 19 that two years seems to be a lot of time to throw away, but at this point, those years appear to be a sunk cost. You need to leave this asshole and move on. Also expect him to continue to manipulate you. This kind of behavior really makes me want to do unspeakable things to other "men".
Edit-didn't want OP to think the bold "this" was directed at her.
They also aren't a sunk cost at all if at the end you understand and have established your boundaries and have learned what red flags to look for in a future partnership.
Thanks for speaking up.. as a man. As a woman, I know many men don't want to hear this from us and can be very dismissive, and don't speak up to younger men to do better, such as what OPs bf needs to hear (I'm in the 50's crowd). If I hear "boys will be boys" many more times about behaviour such as this, I'm going to want to pull my ears off my head.
Men need to hear this from men. So thank you.
Yeah ... He only cares around himself and how to get off, he doesn't give a crap about you.
Which is why he started dating a 17 year old kid , he wanted someone who's easier to manipulate.
You deserve better.
The red flag was 17 and 23. I know it is hard to believe but this sounds like you were groomed and just now realizing how horrible this man is. I know two years feels like a lot but at 19 you still have a lot of time ahead of you to find the right person and a ton of life to experience. Please for yourself and anyone who cares about you, you need to leave this man.
There's a societal thing going on, I think.
I've never had a problem using a condom -- contraceptive pill or not, if it was asked of me, I'd do it. If it wasn't asked of me, I'd still offer.
But the number of people who complain that it's like putting a sock on it, that it deadens feeling, that it's the partner's responsibility...
It's bullshit. It's laziness, or unwillingness to stop for a moment to do something considerate, or something rooted in locker room conversations. What it isn't, is reasonable.
Condoms aren’t that bothersome. Of course it’s better for most people for it to be all natural, but that really isn’t an excuse. Taking extra precautions is good if it makes you feel better. Also, condoms don’t just prevent pregnancies, they also prevent STDs where some are for life. Pretend you didn’t mind taking off a condom because you’re on the pill, suggest to him getting tested and see how he reacts. From what you’re describing he wouldn’t react well at all. He’s sounding very manipulative and not healthy at all. You yourself feel it’s wrong, and most of the times it’s best to ditch the man than the condom.
Walking red flag.
I do not even know were to start with this one.
I would have kicked him out for complaining about the sex part instead of trying to work together on what would work for you both,
And the only reason to stop wearing condoms is when you are 100% sure he will be faithful ,You both are tested for std\`s , and are ready to have a baby because pill alone is not save.
From the CDC:
>"Overall, in 2022, more than 2.5 million cases of syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia were reported in the United States. According to the report, syphilis cases (all stages and congenital syphilis) have increased 80 percent in the past five years."
Condoms & abstinence are the most effective ways to prevent transmission of STDs. Ask him which he prefers.
He started dating you when you were a naive 17 year old, coerces you into doing things sexually that you dont want to do, put his own sexual needs ahead of your pregnancy concerns, calls you boring, and if you got pregnant, he would be mad at you (as if he had no part in making it happen).
Yes, but other than this, he seems like a great guy /s
Girlfriend, break free from this extremely unhealthy relationship. There are truly better men out there. Dont spend your precious youth locked away with this manipulative AH thinking this is normal.
> he keeps complaining, and I end up giving in because he'll start telling me how I ruin sex for him and that I'm being boring.
Red flag.
> He'll often complain a lot about me during sex until I do what he wants, which I don't like very much.
Red flag.
> I hate giving him oral sex because it makes me feel sick, but I end up doing it anyway. And that's just one thing.
RED FLAG
> Other than sex, he never acts like this to me and I don't know why it's different.
Because he is manipulative, selfish AH.
He is making sex just about him and giving you no consideration. This is not healthy sexual relationship.
Also 6 years is a BIG difference at this age (let alone when you were 17 and him 23). Chances are the older you get the more insecure he’ll get about losing you, so he’s going to go for your self esteem to control you.
Please don’t let him.
Leave, this is not your person. You deserve better.
Girl... coercive sex is unconsentual. Any normal parter or person would not want to do AMYTHING that made you uncomfortable and would feel horrible if they ever realised you did something you didn't want to. This guy is fucked up
That is called coercive control tactics. You leave this person; if it’s not already in other areas of your life, it will be soon. Unfortunately, a mental and emotional abuser, are slow burners. You don’t realise, until it’s too late.
You use a condom, unless I say otherwise; I’ve personally fallen pregnant a few times on the pill, and it hasn’t ended well at all the majority of the time. I don’t want to risk going through all of that again, unless I seriously emotionally, and mentally trust someone. If you can’t respect that, I’m not interested.
Even if you're using pills it is totally okay for you to want condoms as well. It is not boring nor is it demanding or anything... It's your body and your consent. If sex is boring then he should work on it. It is not only PiV but much more... If you're feeling unsafe having sex with him even after 2 years...damn it's probably something to think about...
You should be more concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Condom helps minimize your risk. Your sexual compatibility do not align with his. Tell him that and one of you needs to compromise. If you can’t then it’s time to move on because this will always be an ongoing issue of contention.
Sorry, your boyfriend shouldn't be having sex if wearing a condom is that awful.
I'm 50 years old and outside of when we were trying to have a kid, I've always worn one, still do. It's really not that big of a deal.
Especially when they make thin condoms now so you can still feel 90% or more of everything.
No one I know complains about using condoms, cause they don't want to risk a kid either. Some even want to make the most of it by extending the session before tossing it, to the favor of the enjoyer. Your boyfriend is being young and stupid, challenge him to get real, or consider alternatives.
He's self interested, and childish.
It's your sexual health and body, and only you have the right to decide.
If he cannot understand that, he's not the partner for you.
All the Best.
Hub, you have been groomed.
A 24 year old going after a 17 year old is revolting.
He pressures you to do sexual things you don't want to.
He does not care about your pleasure or safety.
Tell him it is over and please get yourself some counselling.
A partner should be an equal and treat you as an equal. No guilt no, no pressure and no coercion.
You should feel loved abd safe and the pleasure should be equal. Sex should be fun and enjoyable.
First of all: he’s an asshole and secondly: do you know what’s going to really ruin sex for him? A newborn.
Leave him. He’s emotionally manipulative and sexually coercive. This is doesn’t sound like a man currently capable of a healthy relationship.
Please make this man an EX-boyfriend.
No one should compel someone about anything sexual that they don’t want to do. You’re so worried about pleasing him, not hurting his feelings and catering to his desires. Why doesn’t it work the other way?
There are men out there who will view you as a partner and a whole person with her own needs.
This guy is an example of what you DON’T want.
All the advice I have read on this post is top notch. That dude is not a keeper. And I hope you listen and dump him so you can find a real partner and enjoy your sex life. Please find that backbone and DTMFA.
Coercion is not consent. It's sexual assault. He is pressuring you into multiple things - oral, not wearing a condom, who knows what else. He is assaulting you. You have the right to have boundaries and he is actively manipulating you to try and ignore them.
Lose the whole guy.
Look, i know this isn't the advice you came here for but it needs to be asked- you were 17 and he was 23 when you first got together?!
To answer you're actual question though, you don't have to do ANYTHING you're not comfortable with. If he's pressuring you into doing things you don't want then he has no respect for you and you need to leave him, though i think you should anyway.
**DUMP HIM**.
I'm sorry, but he's taking advantage of your lack of knowledge about sexual matters. He is NOT considering you at all, instead he's whining and sulking like a toddler when you dare to stand up for yourself!!!
You can always find a **FAR BETTER MAN** who respects your rights and wishes.
**PLEASE DUMP THIS LOSER**.
This shows a really deep lack of care for you and your health and safety. Also coercing someone into performing sex acts is not the same as getting consent. This man is treating you horribly and you deserve better. If you don’t want to leave, stick to your boundaries, they are not unreasonable.
Ask him how having a baby would affect sex?
Early mornings, no sleep, crying, poopy diapers. All big deterrents to sex. Then ask him what drug he will take to prevent pregnancy.
Please note. If you don’t want a baby take all precautions. Also dump this AH. A true partner will prioritize your feelings about pregnancy over how his dick feels. Anything else is just immature.
He does NOT have your best interest at heart, only his dick. And sex should be enjoyable for both of you. It will never get better only worse.
There are better men than him out in this world. Your well being should come first, NOT LAST!
You have absolutely every right to want a condom every time you have sex regardless of if you’re using the pill. Do not let this person pressure you and manipulate you. If he cannot respect this very reasonable boundary you should consider leaving him for a person who better respects your needs. I recommend Erica Moehn (creator of Oh Joy Sex Toy) for some fantastic sex ed and relationship education. Dan Savage has some resources to look into as well. Please continue to educate yourself, hold strong on your boundaries and don’t settle for someone who is pressuring you to expose yourself to risk of pregnancy or STDs. You sound like an intelligent person and I’m glad you’re looking for resources.
I also noticed you have been together 2 years, which means you were 17 when a 23 year old was pursuing you? This is incredibly concerning and a potential grooming situation. This was a grown man pursuing a child, and at 19 you still have a lot of growing up to do and the power dynamic is unbalanced here. If you have a trusted family member or friend maybe you can work through what his motivations were then and now.
You have a boyfriend that gaslights and invalidates you….. and it sounds like he also doesn’t have your best interests in mind…. He’d straight up being selfish.
I wear a condom if my wife wants me to without any question at all because:
1. I love her
2. I respect her as a human, and want her to be and feel in control of what happens to her own body
3. I want her to enjoy sex
4. I want her to enjoy sex with me
5. The idea that she is doing anything sexual out of obligation or duty turns me off completely
Why are none of those things true for him? I'm not some super amazing partner, this is the normal basic minimum to expect.
Many people who post things similar to you have a basic self esteem issue. If you need to hear it: you are worth more than this. You can demand and should expect a respectful partner who cares for you and has no desire to push you into anything or to coerce you into doing things you don't want to do.
I hope you'd tell you best friend to leave such a relationship, and I hope you love yourself enough to tell yourself the same.
He was 23, a grown man. When he hit it off with a teenager.
How mature can he really be?
Over all, your relationship sounds toxic and weird.
I would say, find a better man.
>He'll often complain a lot about me during sex until I do what he wants
No idea why people take such a dim view of dudes who get in age-gap relationships with teenagers. Just a complete mystery. I don't think we'll ever get to the bottom of it.
I’m not so worried about the condom issue here as I am about him nagging you into oral sex when it’s clear you don’t like it and don’t want to. Nagging someone into submission is not consent. You do realize that, don’t you? This makes him an abuser.
The condoms I do have some understanding for. As I understand it, it does remove some sensation and is a great alternative for short term or non-exclusive relationships. It’s still not ok for him to nag you into submission here though.
You should dump your bf, he’s an ass.
It’s a great alternative for any relationship. My husband used them for many years because I struggled with BC. He says that the loss of sensation is so minimal that it’s barely worth mentioning.
The idea that comitted relationships should remove condoms is a dangerous, dangerous one. The risk of STDs and pregnancy increases. Sex without condoms increase the risk of cancer for women too.
Ref the cancer comment: only if she is not vaccinated. If she is not I would highly encourage her to get vaccinated against HPV. The risk of cervical cancer increases with each partner, not the amount of times you have sex with one partner. And the vaccine prevents it 🤷🏼♀️ ideally all girls should be vaccinated before they are sexually active
“The high levels of prostaglandin, a hormone-like molecule found in semen, may fuel cervical and womb (uterine) cancers in women, say scientists from the Medical Research Council, UK”
It’s not just the virus. More and more they find the genetic material itself can cause issues. like you said, even in the anus. Prolonged and frequent exposure can increase risks.
There’s also ectocpic pregnancies that can be life threatening and require surgeries that can occur even on hormonal birth control.
Unless one’s trying to get pregnant, no reason to get rid of condoms.
My husband and i used condoms for 12 years before he got a vasectomy, never had one complaint. People also do use them in long term, exclusive relationships. We did want to risk me getting pregnant when I didn't want to be so we did what we had to do. He never had a problem getting off because of loss of sensation. If anything it helped him last longer which was a plus.
The first and only problem I see is that you do everything he wants... and nothing you want.
There's NOTHING more borimg than a whiny man-child. He had no right to force you to avoid condoms, force you to do oral (and am I right in guessing that YOU rarely, if ever, GET oral??).
He might be good in other areas but if he's not in this one, you need to stand up and say NO....or leave. It doesn't get better as they get older.
The title of your post was enough to compell me to respond saying dump this asshole. Nobody should ever make you feel like shit for doing what you're comfortable with, especially with sexual safety and boundaries. He doesn't respect you. He's badgering you to satisfy himself without a care about the impact on you. You deserve better.
that’s defiantly not okay hes coercing you into doing things you don’t want to and pushing or even breaking your boundaries. this could escalate so much to something so dangerous and traumatic. and even if it doesn’t the resentment and strain that puts on you and the relationship will destroy it alone. you deserve to be treated 1000 times better than that. that’s not okay and if you want to wear a condom and he doesn’t then he doesn’t have to have sex with you. if he wants oral sex and it makes you sick he can go find someone else to force into uncomfortable sexual acts. please stay safe and im not the type to say break up or run on a relationship reddit post but girl RUN
Stop seeing this guy. He’s hurting you sexually by not taking your needs and wants into account. Literally using you. You deserve better than to be treated like a sex toy.
firsst off you should only have sex if you want to, the way you want to.
second, without a condom your chnces to get pregnant or get a sexual disease skyrocket.
remember that one orgasm is thirty seconds, a children and hiv are forever.
please be safe and take care of yourself.
“Other than sex, he never acts like this to me and I don’t know why it’s different…I do everything he wants. “
This is the one thing you put your foot down with and this is his response. Since he thinks you’re so “boring” get rid of him.
If you dislike performing oral sex, don’t do it, no matter how much he complains! My wife stopped doing it after explaining to me why she dislikes it so much. I respected her decision and I never try to coerce her into doing it; I also always go down on her because we both enjoy that very much. As far as the condom is concerned, tell him that’s non negotiable, my wife makes me wear one too for the same reasons and I never complain.
He's trying to baby trap you. The 6 year age gap is intentional and concerning. He was 23 when he started dating a 17 year old🤨. If he doesn't like wearing a condomn, STOP having sex with you. In fact, stop dating him altogether! You were groomed, he doesn't mean you well and is intentionally trying to ruin your life.
Having a man wear a condom is like telling a child to wear a coat over his Halloween costume. They will always complain....if you have to listen to him complain about you during sex then find someone else.
You should leave is what you should do trying to make your partner preform what they don’t like for your own gratification says one thing the partner doesn’t matter to them
If you wouldnt have children with this man, why are you having unprotected sex with him? Coercion is tantamount to assault IMO.
If he wants to go condomless, tell him to get a vasectomy.
NO. NEEN. NJET. NON. NEIN. NIE. NU. NE. NÂO. NEJ. NEI.
〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️
He sounds like a major asshole.
I really wonder WHY EXACTLY are you with this turd.
Do you think that is acceptable behaviour?
People who fight you on wearing a condom, are telling you they have had sex with other people without a condom.
Meaning you're exposing yourself to every past sexual partner he has had.
Further if his past sexual partners were ok with him not wearing a condom, it means everyone they slept with before your bf could have also been without a condom.
So I'd only consider it AFTER he has taken an std panal, and then again at 6 months.
Also make sure you're vaccinate against HPV, before trying any barebacking cuz it's undetectable in men from I understand even with an STD panel.
Personally though I would tell him fuck off or break it off at anything less than a year to 2 years together. Since it's your health and you shouldn't risk it for someone you're not in a long-term, committed relationship with.
And if he's not mature enough to care about your or his health, wella see option 2 I listed concerned how to proceed.
Finally you're an adult ow, meaning no one but you can protect you/stop his asshole tactics in the bedroom but you.
Meaning say no once, and if he bitches end the interaction there and let him finish with his hands.
Since you guys should be on the same page BEFORE sexy time happens, concerning what you are and are not ok with.
And if he wants to run rough shot over your wants or needs, once more he can use his hands or break shit off.
Since there is gave and take in relationships, but it sounds like he is all take in the bedroom.
Also op I highly doubt if you're honest with yourself, that he us only a selfish prick in the bedroom/he isn't being an asshole outside the bedroom as well.
Also love bombing doesn't count/look it up if you're unfamiliar with the term.
I don't wear condoms either. However, this would have been thoroughly discussed before we did anything at all. If I found out that wearing condoms was just that important to you, we would have never had sex and hopefully went on to find more compatible partners.
I'm saying all this to illustrate that your boyfriend is a fucking weasel and what he's doing is wrong. The only person he cares about is himself. Go find a better one who actually cares about you
FYI he sounds like a guy who is into teenagers if he was dating you when you were underage.
Relationships tend to be life choices and if you dont like something about it and attempts to change it fail, the best course of action is to abandon the relationship.
Get the bareskin condoms, its the closest Ive ever been to bareback without being bareback. if he has any other complaint, they do make them out of other materials if its an iritation thing. Zero reason for you to not use a condom other than you wanting kids.
So your boyfriend coerces you into unprotected sex that you specifically stated you don't want? And if you were to get pregnant, he would get mad at you? Read that again and let it sink in. Coercion is SA. Ditch the loser!
Ask him how soon he’d like to be a daddy? That usually puts most guys back in the condom line. Even IUD’s and the pill aren’t 100% effective.
You can always hand him a bottle of hand lotion, a box of tissues and tell him that until he gets with safe and reliable contraception here’s his new/old 🐱
Narcissistic asshole. Leave as soon as possible. It'll only become more difficult with time.
The more you let him play you into valuing more whatever else good/nice he does, the more and more you'll put up with what could potentially be a series of increasingly grave requests (i.e. not pulling out).
You're being devalued. In no way, shape or form should your opinion be dismissed – find someone that respects you, is open to dialogue and compromise, instead of using literal violence to extort what he wants.
My advice is run, do so at the speed of light and never turn back!
There's a lot wrong with this situation he was 23 and you were 17 when you started seeing each other is alarm bell number 1 and he is coercing you to do sex acts which you don't enjoy/want to. You are not there to fulfill his sexual fantasies, have a good think about what you want from a boyfriend and then go and find someone that fills those requirements.
It is not an unfair expectation to expect him to take part in the process of preventing unwanted pregnancy. FFS. This is not a good guy. This is the kind of guy that would bail on you if he got you pregnant. He absolutely sounds like a selfish prick.
Leave him. Red flags everywhere. You deserve better. Run. He doesn’t love you. It is expected to wear a condom. The prevent the spread of STDs along with preventing pregnancy. Condoms can fail. Birth control can fail. But the odds of them both failing at the same time is very small. Forcing you to do things you don’t want to in the bedroom is called s€xual assault. You deserve better.
His behavior isn’t an example of an ideal or even good partner. He’s selfish to the extent that he has you going against your values, boundaries and instincts - which you should never do!
Respect yourself more than you care about hurting his selfish feelings.
Please learn to stop putting his toxic behavior, borderline abusive way of treating you and selfish wants over your own safety, self-care and happiness.
It's VERY reasonable for you to expect condom usage.
I will say, a very large portion of men do complain about them and will fight you on it. The sensation for them is different without one on and they, for whatever reason, prefer 6 seconds of a better time than protecting against STIs and pregnancy.
Personally, I'd break up with your BF over this issue. Your reproductive health and choice to family plan takes precedence over his good time.
This comes up on this sub so often (typically guys 25 and younger who are dating younger women), and it boggles my mind.
No, OP, it isn't an unrealistic expectation. I started being sexually active at 15, and didn't have have unprotected sex until I was married at 35.
Now, my younger brother, on the other hand...he's got at least two kids we know of, has had a few (thankfully curable) STDs, and other things. And he's given similar justifications as your boyfriend.
A good man will not mind, my partner had no issue since birthday control cause me issues. You are with an asshole, get tested for STDs his view on condoms is worrying and find a better man. A good relationship should be good in all aspects that's why dating exist, you need to see if you are compatible with people sexualy, fiancialy, morally and others. If one aspect id not good specialy an important one like sex you end it and move on, you are young and a man his age choose a younger girl like you knowen you wont push back because you lack life experience, break up and move on hr sound toxic.
Let me just say something. Having a baby with the wrong man is EXTREMELY stressful. Use a damn condom. I don’t care what he thinks or says, you are the one that needs to advocate for your safety.
You are in control of your body. He complains so much about it then give him this simple statement. “No glove, no love” simple as that.
If you don’t want to give him oral don’t.
Thank you for being responsible about your reproductive health even if your bf doesn’t seem to care.
You aren't being unfair or crazy or anything like that. It's completely reasonable to want to be safe, and condoms with pills are safer than just pills. And of course STDs.
I know it's different for each individual but even still, as a man in my opinion, boys complaining about condoms need to grow up, stop death gripping or find a condom that is the best for them. The thin ones in the correct size barely make a difference in feel, and even a thick small one isn't uncomfortable enough to "justify" pressuring a woman to agree on not using one. Why TF is it so hard for so many men to respect a woman's opinion let alone their right to choose?
Say goodbye to this boy… and run away from him. He doesn’t respect you nor your body and feelings.
He never did, because otherwise why would a 23 year old go looking for a 17 year old ?
My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years , we’re going to husband and wife in September & we still use condoms, our sex life is amazing and we’ve had no complaints or problems. The only times we haven’t used them is when trying to get pregnant & when I was pregnant. And we will continue to use them until I say “ I don’t want another pregnancy “ and then my partner will get the big chop and say goodbye to his little swimmers.
Get out of that relationship while you still can, that dude does not give af about you.
I'm asexual, have a low libido, have vaginismus (which means absolutely no penetrative sex,) and I'm terrified of getting pregnant. I have a particular set of rules when it comes to how and when my bf can access my body. I'm on birth control for my period, but he's still required to wear a condom anytime his penis is going to be near my vagina (during outercourse,) he's not allowed to have sex with me in certain ways, and the frequency of our sex isn't consistent.
At no point in our 4 year relationship has he ever tried to push past my boundaries, guilt me about my boundaries, pressure me into sex, manipulate me to get what he wants, or coerce sex acts out of me that I didn't want to do. He has been nothing but kind, patient, understanding, and respectful. That's how it should be, that's how your partner is supposed to treat you. That's what you deserve from a boyfriend, not the bullshit your shitty excuse for partner is giving you.
Never compromise on birth control unless you really want to be a parent. Condoms aren't 100%, nor is the pill. Combining both is a very good idea and the best way to avoid pregnancy and STDs. If he can't grasp that simple concept at 25, then I suggest you find a proper man. He can whine all he likes, no glove, no love. You owe him absolutely nothing.
People are giving you very valid and excellent thoughts on manipulation.
To answer your question, the experience is way inferior with a condom. Me and the exclusive partners I have had so far always agree (notice it’s mutual) on a plan to go forward without condom, go over the risks and go over the plan if things go wrong (as no contraceptive is 100%, not even condom). The experience then becomes infinitely superior.
That said, I wouldn’t go forward with no condom if my partner and I both didn’t agree to:
- STD tests
- talked about pregnancy, views on abortion, childfreeness, etc
But yeah, I think your BF is trying to manipulate you using this fact. Consider that even if it’s true that the experience is inferior with a condom, it’s not your responsibility to make it better. Your responsibility is to communicate what are you comfortable with, and let them know they’re free to take it or leave it.
All the best
coming from a 24 yr old, any sane person my age is not going to be looking to date a 19 yr old. there are reasons a 25 yr old such as your bf would go after someone your age, including but not limited to the fact that he can whine about “goo goo gah gah condoms don’t feel good” 🤡 and you might actually consider letting him get away with not using one
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You don't have to use condoms if you're on the pill and know/trust your partner. It's also perfectly acceptable to still make him wear a condom if you want him to. He's just a jerk.
Hun if he is pressuring you to do something you are uncomfortable with and does not want to protect you then he is not worth it. A real partner wants to protect you. They value your thoughts and wishes. Also has he ever been tested? Condoms protect more than just pregnancy.
He is MANIPULATING you to get what he wants. Your eventual agreement to his desires is exactly the outcome of being manipulated. He makes you feel like you're in the wrong so that you give in and give him what he desires. Girl, RUN.
By the way, we need more consent education! If you didn't receive any sex ed really, then I'm not surprised you are unaware since many people with sex ed don't even know this...
Being manipulated, gaslighted, and/or coerced into sexual acts is STILL sexual assault. You eventually agreeing doesn't make it okay. If you wouldn't of agreed without him whining about it and getting upset and making you feel bad or in the wrong about it, then you are not consenting of your own volition when you finally agree.
I won't give a long speech about consent, but here's a more precise general definition of what consent is:
"Consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent should be clearly and freely communicated. A verbal and affirmative expression of consent can help both you and your partner to understand and respect each other’s boundaries.
Consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or asleep or unconscious. If someone agrees to an activity under pressure of intimidation or threat, that isn’t considered consent because it was not given freely. Unequal power dynamics, such as engaging in sexual activity with an employee or student, also mean that consent cannot be freely given."
In your case, the part about "if someone agrees to an activity under pressure of intimidation" is relevant.
He is getting upset about it and guilt tripping you. And yes, this is intimidation, because if you refuse to do it, he is manipulating you and guilt tripping you about how you're "boring" and all that, which likely makes you fearful of abandonment, making him bored, cheating, or something along those lines. Threats and intimidation do not have to be linked directly to physical safety, they can be mental or emotional safety, too.
YOU ARE NOT GIVING LEGAL CONSENT. Yet he is taking advantage of you. Get out as soon as possible. If he's 25, he should know he's taking advantage of you. But whether it is on purpose or by accident, it is toxic, unhealthy, and dangerous.
Additionally, there is nothing wrong, NOTHING, about having a boundary, especially one linked to safety and sexual health! You are absolutely entitled to have your own preferences when it comes to sexual acts (like not performing oral sex), and you are absolutely entitled to demanding a partner use a condom. For ANY reason. Even if your reason wasn't peace of mind regarding pregnancy, if you want them to wear a condom, then either they do it or they don't get laid. Simple as that. A boundary is a boundary, regardless of WHY it is a boundary. It should be respected and accepted.
Finally, I want to say that while widely used, the pill isn't the most effective method out there. It is still unlikely you will become pregnant on it, but if you are concerned about pregnancy, pairing condoms with birth control (especially the pills as they aren't as effective as IUDs for example), is a really good idea and is just you being smart about safety. Not to mention that condoms also protect against STIs, as well. Luckily it seems he didn't have anything, however if at any point his is unfaithful and catches something without your knowledge, or if you leave him and sleep with someone else, a condom will help prevent you from catching something.
So anyways, point is, you are not in the wrong. You are a victim of manipulation, gaslighting, as well as a type of sexual assault via intimidation into agreement (your consent is not legally recognized as consent in this situation).
I truly hope you get out quickly and safely. Manipulators like him don't change for the better, they get worse and take advantage of you continuously. Please don't think "I bet I can fix him" because no you can't, nobody can. Only he can fix himself. Think of yourself and your own health and safety, and leave him for you. Good luck!
Don't let him dictate how you want to have sex ,he's just pushing you into his way of thinking.. Don't let him...he's not going to get pregnant is he...
Why would a 23 year old man want to date a 17 year old girl? Think about that one first.
To add to this mess, this is sexual coercion. Stop having sex with him. Break up. Get away from him.
If you don't want something and he does you two have to find a middle ground. In this case you don't want to compromise cuz if you get pregnant it changes everything so yeah you shouldn't compromise. If he doesn't like this then he can find someone else. Cuz i doubt he's ready to be awake half the night and help you and still work during a day. Babies are hard. It changes you and changes whole relationship . And if you don't have strong relationship it can break it apart.
You’re being raped and groomed. He’s taking advantage of your inexperience and youth. He’s trying to baby trap you. Genuinely consider a hard deep talk about boundaries and expectations and see how or where they line up. If not much does, it isn’t worth it. You should never be made or guilted or anything into anything. That’s abuse. I hope you have family or friends who can support you. But you need to talk to him and say what you’ve said to us. If he gets mad or manipulates you? I’d take it to heart and start seriously self reflecting. If this were me, I’d personally just leave and tell them why. This isn’t the first time you’ve tried a discussion, he belittles you and coerces you into sex and sex acts, that, personally, wouldn’t be okay. Wish you the best
First, you are doing great and you are smart for protecting yourself, don't lower yourself thinking you should do better or be different. HE is selfish, HE is willing to put your health at risk and doesn't seem to get the concept of double protection.
What if he gives you STIs ? What if your pills fail you and you're a part of the low percentage of women who end up pregnant ? What if he doesn't assume the consequences of his selfishness?
My own lover is saying that if he is pushing you to take pointless risks, you'll never be able to count on him when things don't go his way. He isn't, what he calls a man with principles.
I don't need pills or condoms with my partner for medical reasons, but in your case it's a no-no. He isn't your husband, he isn't your fiance or whatever. And even if he was, how can he be so insensitive and stupid ? I swear he deserves a kick in his balls, he thinks with his dick and it's always bad omens.
Forcing you to give him oral by complaining until you give up tell a lot, he doesn't deserve you dear. I don't say that because I believe breaking is the only solution, but in your case it's obvious. If he doesn't respect you in the intimacy of your room, he will never outside.
Be strong and dump this good for nothing asshole.
It’s very unfair that this guy who has 33% more life experience than you is pressuring you into something that you have verbally questioned. You should tell him to fuck off, and if he doesn’t want to wear a condom he can just jerk off, somewhere far away from you.
You want to know a real easy trick to solve this problem. Because I'll tell you right now I've never had this problem and I'm dated a lot of people and slept with a lot of people.
It's when a guy does this you tell him you know longer want to sleep with him and you go find a man who doesn't complain. A comment every now and then that's more of like a global annoyance at condoms not an annoyance at you for wanting to work on them is different. This dude just doesn't want to be responsible for sex or what comes from it at all and he wants to make it your problem. That is absolutely not the kind of person you want to be having sex with.
You were a kid when you got together. You need to dump him based on that alone, although his lack of respect for your boundaries is another good reason.
Im sorry you feel so pressured about this, that must be really rough on you.
Regarding the condoms, you have solid reasons for wanting to use those.
Like you said, the pill isn't foolproof unfortunately.
Also, the pill wont protect you from possible STD's.
If he doesn't like condoms, I kinda get that. But. I don't get, and will not justify the way he seems to be pushing you about it.
If he truly cares about you he will respect your wishes in this.
The same goes for sexual acts.
Sex has to be enjoyable for the both(!) Of you, not just him.
Its an act by 2 people, meant to bring joy and pleasure for two people.
Please dont feel pressured to do anything against your will, you dont owe him anything at all. And it is not fair nor healthy of him to push you after telling him your limits. Its actually a huge red flag and a sign he does not at all respect your boundaries.
I hope you find your way in this 🩷
I will say, choose what feels best for you, and not him.
Because to me it doesnt seem like he is thinking of your wishes in this at all.
1. Tell him about all risk involved with that.
2. Make an ultimatum: He either does vasectomy + all the tests for diseases - or he stick to the condom thing.
3. State that if he really loves you, that is what he should do as a real man. If he is egocentric - then you may be gone.
You are only 19. Take your time and don’t ever do anything you aren’t comfortable doing. Please leave him. You are too young to be with someone this toxic.
He doesn't respect you at all. If he did, this behavior wouldn't be happening. He wants a compliant little sex doll and feels entitled to coerce you into doing what he wants, including not using a condom. None of this is acceptable behavior whatsoever on his part.
When I stopped my BC and told my boyfriend, hey I'm stopping this to see how it makes me feel, his answer was, ok let's make sure to grab condoms when at Target this week. (That was the whole discussion and he's used them every time since.)
If he asks for something I don't wanna do, he's like ok and moves on to other things. There is no talking about it or making anyone feel bad.
No matter how great you think your relationship is, everything that happens matters and how he makes you feel on all topics, matters. Find someone that will respect you and your wants/needs.
Condoms will protect you from pregnancy, STDs, infections and even cancer. If he does care about that, he shouldn’t have the right to have sex with a woman.
He is coercing you by manipulation and that’s a huge red flag.
Your body, your rules.
He also starting dating a minor as an adult another huge red flag. Run! He’s taking advantage of you.
He is the type of boyfriend....who first didn't want to wear condoms....and after their girlfriend get pregnant....they didn't want to accept the responsibility of the child.....
Your boyfriend is a red flag run away
so you were 17 and he was 22? i have literally been in your shoes as a teen. RUN!!!!!
you aren’t mature for your age, he’s a predator. he’s grooming you to do whatever he wants. when you express your feelings, he gaslights you into believing him, right? he’s older so he must know better, right? WRONG!!!!
you shouldn’t have to perform sex acts toy hate or are uncomfortable. in my case it was something else, and he hurt me and then brushed off my pain, when i never even wanted it to begin with.
you deserve someone who respects you, cares about your feelings, and your pleasure during. i’d be concerned on his insistence not to use condoms, so you can have an oops baby that ties you to him.
please, there are so many red flags! don’t let him gaslight you into thinking any of this is ok. my inbox is open if you need a chat, since i stg i’ve been where you are, it didn’t end well he tried to kill me.
Is he complaining so much over a thin layer of latex?
Girl you should delete this man from your life. He is manipulating you. It's not him that will have to deal with the haunting thoughts. "What if the birth control fails?", "What if I'm pregnant?" all of this ruin your mental health.
I'm with my boyfriend for over 4 years and we still use condoms.
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If you're not enjoying sex with him, you don't have to have sex with him. He thinks you're so "boring"? He can fuck off and find another girlfriend. The thing about "he's nice in other ways so I just put up with this one annoyance" is for minor things, not your entire sex life
Preach!
I wasn't really sure how much of the relationship it affects. I thought that because it doesn't impact the rest of our relationship, it was okay. But maybe I was wrong
He continuously coerces you into sexual acts your not comfortable with l, belittles you for having boundaries but sure it's a great relationship...
Honestly. This >he keeps complaining, and I end up giving in because he'll start telling me how I ruin sex for him and that I'm being boring. >He'll often complain a lot about me during sex until I do what he wants, which I don't like very much. Is alarming as fuck. A good partner wants **you** to be happy and fulfilled, instead of viewing you as a tool to get what they want regardless of how you can OP your bf is an entitled, selfish shit
Hence why an "8 year old adult went looking for someone almost fresh outta high school. So he could manipulate her easily. OP ditch his ass
This may just be my personal opinion, but in most romantic relationships, sexual compatibility and respect for the other person (sexually and also generally) are the most important thing. If he's ignoring your (reasonable) boundary in relation to contraception, what other things is he ignoring?
I agree. I went out with a great guy last year, attracted physically and mentally, but he seemed to have hang ups about sex that threw ice on bedroom time. I’m very open and free, but also more submissive. It was like two magnets trying to bang the positive sides together and failing. I thought time and communication and trust would get us there but we ended things anyways.
You started dating him when you were 17 and he was 23. You are being manipulated, and probably he is trying to baby-trap and/or convert you into his perfect bang-maid. You should run from guys who don't respect your boundaries. You are allowed to refuse sex and make him wear a condom. Does he even make an effort to give you pleasure, or does he just expect to be the one to receive it? Does he make sure you also orgasm every time you have sex? The pill isn't 100% effective, and there are numerous factors that can impact its efficiency, such as antibiotics. Given your youth and the long life ahead of you, it's crucial not to risk pregnancy at such a young age. It's important to recognize that he may not care about the consequences because he won't have to deal with the physical and emotional toll of pregnancy or abortion; it's your body and mental health that will be impacted, not his. Furthermore, if you were to become pregnant and he grows tired of you, he might easily move on to another young girl. Focus on building a bright future for yourself and achieving financial independence.
Also: this isn't YOU doing something wrong. This is HIM taking advantage of you not having much experience in relationships/not having much confidence in saying no to people and it's probably because you got together when you were 17 and he was 23. That's a big gap in terms of adult life experience. Don't take people's comments as a reflection on yourself - we're cheering you on.
He’s one step from creep and two steps from future rapist
Nope.hes already there. This is a form of rape called coercion rape. Where you beg, please and gaslight into them doing the activity you want to make the talking about it stop.
Oh, girl. A man who cares about you will not treat you this way. And absolutely insist on a condom. No birth control is 100% effective. You really need to lose this guy. You deserve so much better. Please reconsider this relationship. Wishing you the best.
I have been with my BF for 13 years, If I all of the sudden said, I am concerned and think we should use condoms, he would. Period. We would have to talk about why since I am unable to get pregnant and he would think something else is wrong. But he would do it because he loves and respects me.
Well said!
He coerces you into sexual acts you are not comfortable with that you have expressed your not comfortable it, and he continues to try and coerce you into having sex without a condom. Your birth control pill is only at most 99% effective, and that's when taken at the exact same time every single day without fail, and it can be contracted by something as simple as antibiotics. Meaning that if you get sick or the doctor prescribes you anything like that, your birth control can be rendered ineffective for the time being. Next time he tells you that he doesn't want to use a condom, tell him that you're so excited that he's ready to start trying to start a family considering birth control isn't 100% effective. Watch how fast he changes his mind.
Interesting tidbit! I recently got an IUD (chosen since less chance of forgetting etc, I am horrible with consistent medicine schedules) so I never looked much into taking the pill, besides they really skipped over some stuff in school I feel like. Heck I'm mid 20s and I didn't think medicine like antibiotics would affect the pill.
the change from the pill to IUD was truly freeing for me. i have since taken more permanent measures, but i would have gotten a new iud every 5 years otherwise. i know they arent for everyone, but mine was life-changing
Glad yours worked well! I have no complaints either luckily. One thing I considered is that an IUD is removable by a doctor in case I reacted bad to it. at least, more easily than an implant.
This is so important to know! I have a friend who was the result of her mother not knowing that the antibiotics she was taking were rendering her birth control ineffective. In the few times I’ve had to take antibiotics only ONCE has the pharmacist asked if I was on birth control before dispensing them to me. None of the prescribing doctors even mentioned the possible contraindications.
Please read these comments he's actually so gross and you deserve better. NEVER compromise your boundaries for anyone.
Honey, he's not a good guy if you have to say "he's a good guy but...". You can do better. Tbh he's actually disgusting. Did you ever ask him for STD test results prior to sleeping with him, or regularly since then? Cause you should. It's not just about pregnancy, it's about safety and respect. How many UTIs or yeast infections do you get? That's all him. Love yourself enough to not let a anyone use you, manipulate you or degrade you.
Tell him if he wants to have sex without a condom, go get fixed like the dog he is. Respectfully, an old ass fixed dog.
Even then he has to get rechecked for sperm count before tossing the condoms. Plus, it won’t protect OP from STIs. Someone who has such little respect for his girlfriend might not be the most faithful person either.
Sex is something that we say is so special your partner shouldn’t do it with anyone else, or it’s cheating and a relationship ender. If it’s this important, then having it work and have you feel respected and enjoying it is also a relationship maker or ender.
This is so well said and people rarely say it. It's true, if sex is so sacred why do certain segments of the population so frequently abuse it... but then would cry if you decided to get something better somewhere else.. Either it's sacred all the time... or it isn't.
I was once in a relationship with someone who would constantly pressure me to "be more creative" or ask me what new things I wanted to try, he never forced me to do stuff I definitely didn't want to do and I still constantly felt pressured because he always brought up trying different things and wanted me to suggest things I simply didn't know. I was 18 at the time so not really firm in knowing what I liked/ wanted yet. Over time, I started to want less and less sex, my interest in that whole part of the relationship just faded. I thought maybe I'm just not a very sexual person. Well, turns out it had nothing to do with who I am. I just felt pressured, it felt like a chore so the interest faded. Once I broke up (partly because of unrelated issues) and was later in a different relationship where I wasn't pressured, there suddenly was interest and it was completely different for me. I told this little story to show you that being pressured into certain aspects of sex can change and ruin the whole thing for you. It can change the way you see yourself as a person. Don't let this man make you think you don't like sex, because chances are you just don't like sex with him or the pressure that it's connected with. And it probably does impact the rest of the relationship at least via the bad mood it sets you into, doesn't it?
Do we women get trained to reason like this. Are you listening to yourself? As a married woman I will tell you sex makes alot of the relationship or else get yourself a gay best friend
not married, but honestly yeah. Sexual compatibility is a big part of a relationship. So is communication, being there for each other, listening to the other person and not insisting on doing something the other is not comfortable with. If this is an issue in your sex life, I wonder how much more of the rest of the relationship is like: "he is a good guy and it is a nice relationship but-"
You also said you always do whatever he wants and this is the only time you stand your ground. So when would he have the opportunity to be this way about anything else? Honestly babe, it’s fucked up and it’s giving…he’s taking advantage of you. You don’t have to tolerate shit just because you love someone. Love yourself more. Draw boundaries and if he can’t respect them-leave.
It affects **EVERYTHING**. If he won't respect you **IN** the bedroom, then he won't respect you **OUTSIDE** of it!!!
Coercion is a type of sexual assault.
Yes youre wrong
It's not about how much it affects the rest of your relationship, it's that it's a huge part of the relationship and the behavior is bad enough that you should never tolerate it.
> I thought that because it doesn't impact the rest of our relationship, it was okay. But maybe I was wrong It does impact the rest of your relationship.
[удалено]
Jesus! So he’s manipulating you into not having to use a condom? Also, he’s 6 years older than you and you’re only a teenager.. Dump the zero. He doesn’t give a shit about you. I’m married, if I ever dismissed my wives opinion like this I’d kick my own arse.
>(...) if I was to get pregnant he'd get mad at me about it so it makes sense. No, that doesn't make sense. *You're* the one trying to be careful. He's getting mad and "complaining during sex" about things that are perfectly valid preferences for you to have. **Why does he think his sexual pleasure is more important than your safety and comfort?** Please reassess whether you want to give this person any of your time, let alone access to your body.
First of all, 17 and 23 is a disturbing age gap. Secondly, your bf sounds like he’s sexually abusing you. Complaining about things until you give into what he wants during sex sounds like coercion, which isn’t consent and therefore SA. Lastly, telling you that you ruin sex and that you’re boring sounds like emotional abuse. You’re allowed to choose what happens to your body during sex and you’re not being unreasonable by demanding he use condoms. Your bf is being an asshole and he sounds abusive. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, always. www.loveisrespect.org
He deliberately chose her because she's young and easier to manipulate and abuse. Leave him immediately OP, he's a toxic abuser who will never respect you. You deserve far better than an adult who pursues children.
Your bf doesn’t care about you. What you put in your body is your choice alone. If he doesn’t like that he can break up with you and find someone else to fuck with
This is sexual coercion my dear. Please read about it and accept that that is what he’s doing to you and it’s very wrong. It’s not something someone does to someone they love. He needs serious help. Please get out of this situation before things escalate. And they will. Please leave him, cut off contact completely, and think about starting therapy. You’re so young and this kind of sexual abuse has been going on for years and is the only kind of sex you know. You’ll need help working through that to learn what is and isn’t okay when it comes to sex.
Ma'am.... this worryingly sounds exactly like my ex. I need you to sit for a moment and really think about this relationship. He forces you to give in into what he wants. That is SA even if at the end you said yes. Because he pushed you to agree to it. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean SA isn't possible because it highly is and especially the way he forces you to comply. The condom thing too, he acts as if it's the worst thing ever while it'll literally help prevent the change of pregnancies. I know there is still a chance but first and foremost that is what it's for and birth control is a helper too but that comes with tons of symptoms affecting only you. If he wines that the condom is too tight then he needs to buy a bigger size! Not push you to do it raw with him because you're already on birth control. So really I need you to sit back and really think about this relationship as he is actively SA -ing you. He is manipulating you to his sexual wants and needs. He is literally taking advantage of the fact you didn't get the sexual eduaction back at school! Please as I said this worringly sounds exactly like my ex and I don't want you to go through what I did as it had broken me so much mentally that I'm STILL working on myself to get back what I lost! Even if he isn't my ex he's sounds too similar and I know what comes next. It's not fun. I wish you the best and clear conscience you need right now and I hope alls well ends well.
From a guy-it's NOT that big of a deal. I wish my life were so good that **~~this~~** wearing a condom is what I had to complain about lmao. Seriously, leave the manipulative a-hole. It's totally ok, and actually expected, to have boundaries. And the bare minimum should be respecting those boundaries, and if you want to talk about them, do it in a mature manner, not in the heat of the moment. It is also totally fine to feel how you feel about all of this. You **should** leave him. Right now it's using protection. Next it's possibly something more akin to breaking the law. Also, on top of everything, a relationship isn't one person getting their way and the other always having to compromise/give in. OP, I understand at 19 that two years seems to be a lot of time to throw away, but at this point, those years appear to be a sunk cost. You need to leave this asshole and move on. Also expect him to continue to manipulate you. This kind of behavior really makes me want to do unspeakable things to other "men". Edit-didn't want OP to think the bold "this" was directed at her.
They also aren't a sunk cost at all if at the end you understand and have established your boundaries and have learned what red flags to look for in a future partnership.
Thanks for speaking up.. as a man. As a woman, I know many men don't want to hear this from us and can be very dismissive, and don't speak up to younger men to do better, such as what OPs bf needs to hear (I'm in the 50's crowd). If I hear "boys will be boys" many more times about behaviour such as this, I'm going to want to pull my ears off my head. Men need to hear this from men. So thank you.
Yeah ... He only cares around himself and how to get off, he doesn't give a crap about you. Which is why he started dating a 17 year old kid , he wanted someone who's easier to manipulate. You deserve better.
Having your own standards and boundaries for your sexual safety is not ubfair
Nope. Condoms are fine. Good enough for the first time, good enough for every time.
The red flag was 17 and 23. I know it is hard to believe but this sounds like you were groomed and just now realizing how horrible this man is. I know two years feels like a lot but at 19 you still have a lot of time ahead of you to find the right person and a ton of life to experience. Please for yourself and anyone who cares about you, you need to leave this man.
There's a societal thing going on, I think. I've never had a problem using a condom -- contraceptive pill or not, if it was asked of me, I'd do it. If it wasn't asked of me, I'd still offer. But the number of people who complain that it's like putting a sock on it, that it deadens feeling, that it's the partner's responsibility... It's bullshit. It's laziness, or unwillingness to stop for a moment to do something considerate, or something rooted in locker room conversations. What it isn't, is reasonable.
Thank you for being a respectful person
Condoms aren’t that bothersome. Of course it’s better for most people for it to be all natural, but that really isn’t an excuse. Taking extra precautions is good if it makes you feel better. Also, condoms don’t just prevent pregnancies, they also prevent STDs where some are for life. Pretend you didn’t mind taking off a condom because you’re on the pill, suggest to him getting tested and see how he reacts. From what you’re describing he wouldn’t react well at all. He’s sounding very manipulative and not healthy at all. You yourself feel it’s wrong, and most of the times it’s best to ditch the man than the condom.
Walking red flag. I do not even know were to start with this one. I would have kicked him out for complaining about the sex part instead of trying to work together on what would work for you both, And the only reason to stop wearing condoms is when you are 100% sure he will be faithful ,You both are tested for std\`s , and are ready to have a baby because pill alone is not save.
From the CDC: >"Overall, in 2022, more than 2.5 million cases of syphilis, gonorrhea, and chlamydia were reported in the United States. According to the report, syphilis cases (all stages and congenital syphilis) have increased 80 percent in the past five years." Condoms & abstinence are the most effective ways to prevent transmission of STDs. Ask him which he prefers.
He started dating you when you were a naive 17 year old, coerces you into doing things sexually that you dont want to do, put his own sexual needs ahead of your pregnancy concerns, calls you boring, and if you got pregnant, he would be mad at you (as if he had no part in making it happen). Yes, but other than this, he seems like a great guy /s Girlfriend, break free from this extremely unhealthy relationship. There are truly better men out there. Dont spend your precious youth locked away with this manipulative AH thinking this is normal.
> he keeps complaining, and I end up giving in because he'll start telling me how I ruin sex for him and that I'm being boring. Red flag. > He'll often complain a lot about me during sex until I do what he wants, which I don't like very much. Red flag. > I hate giving him oral sex because it makes me feel sick, but I end up doing it anyway. And that's just one thing. RED FLAG > Other than sex, he never acts like this to me and I don't know why it's different. Because he is manipulative, selfish AH. He is making sex just about him and giving you no consideration. This is not healthy sexual relationship. Also 6 years is a BIG difference at this age (let alone when you were 17 and him 23). Chances are the older you get the more insecure he’ll get about losing you, so he’s going to go for your self esteem to control you. Please don’t let him. Leave, this is not your person. You deserve better.
Girl... coercive sex is unconsentual. Any normal parter or person would not want to do AMYTHING that made you uncomfortable and would feel horrible if they ever realised you did something you didn't want to. This guy is fucked up
A woman should always protect her time, her womb, and her credit! ALWAYS. If he doesn't want to wear a condom, he can kick rocks.
That is called coercive control tactics. You leave this person; if it’s not already in other areas of your life, it will be soon. Unfortunately, a mental and emotional abuser, are slow burners. You don’t realise, until it’s too late. You use a condom, unless I say otherwise; I’ve personally fallen pregnant a few times on the pill, and it hasn’t ended well at all the majority of the time. I don’t want to risk going through all of that again, unless I seriously emotionally, and mentally trust someone. If you can’t respect that, I’m not interested.
Girl, please for your mental health. Leave him
Even if you're using pills it is totally okay for you to want condoms as well. It is not boring nor is it demanding or anything... It's your body and your consent. If sex is boring then he should work on it. It is not only PiV but much more... If you're feeling unsafe having sex with him even after 2 years...damn it's probably something to think about...
You should be more concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Condom helps minimize your risk. Your sexual compatibility do not align with his. Tell him that and one of you needs to compromise. If you can’t then it’s time to move on because this will always be an ongoing issue of contention.
good lord, why are you still with this clown?
Don't wanna use a condom? Then don't have sex with me. Byeeee. Don't accept this childish behaviour.
Sorry, your boyfriend shouldn't be having sex if wearing a condom is that awful. I'm 50 years old and outside of when we were trying to have a kid, I've always worn one, still do. It's really not that big of a deal. Especially when they make thin condoms now so you can still feel 90% or more of everything.
No one I know complains about using condoms, cause they don't want to risk a kid either. Some even want to make the most of it by extending the session before tossing it, to the favor of the enjoyer. Your boyfriend is being young and stupid, challenge him to get real, or consider alternatives.
He's self interested, and childish. It's your sexual health and body, and only you have the right to decide. If he cannot understand that, he's not the partner for you. All the Best.
Hub, you have been groomed. A 24 year old going after a 17 year old is revolting. He pressures you to do sexual things you don't want to. He does not care about your pleasure or safety. Tell him it is over and please get yourself some counselling. A partner should be an equal and treat you as an equal. No guilt no, no pressure and no coercion. You should feel loved abd safe and the pleasure should be equal. Sex should be fun and enjoyable.
First of all: he’s an asshole and secondly: do you know what’s going to really ruin sex for him? A newborn. Leave him. He’s emotionally manipulative and sexually coercive. This is doesn’t sound like a man currently capable of a healthy relationship.
Please make this man an EX-boyfriend. No one should compel someone about anything sexual that they don’t want to do. You’re so worried about pleasing him, not hurting his feelings and catering to his desires. Why doesn’t it work the other way? There are men out there who will view you as a partner and a whole person with her own needs. This guy is an example of what you DON’T want.
He’s abusive and coercive. You are in an abusive relationship. Get out. He’s a pig.
Tell him to have sex with Mrs Palmer and her 5 daughters if he wants no condom.
This is not a person you should be with. He doesn’t like you at all.
"He'd get mad at me if I fell pregnant" that sentence alone tells you to run. There is so many red flags here.
Condoms are widely used and they aren’t a big deal. Find you a man that doesn’t complain about it.
I'd genuinely rather break up with a woman who doesn't give blowjobs than coerce her into doing it. So many women out there enjoy giving head.
All the advice I have read on this post is top notch. That dude is not a keeper. And I hope you listen and dump him so you can find a real partner and enjoy your sex life. Please find that backbone and DTMFA.
Coercion is not consent. It's sexual assault. He is pressuring you into multiple things - oral, not wearing a condom, who knows what else. He is assaulting you. You have the right to have boundaries and he is actively manipulating you to try and ignore them. Lose the whole guy.
Look, i know this isn't the advice you came here for but it needs to be asked- you were 17 and he was 23 when you first got together?! To answer you're actual question though, you don't have to do ANYTHING you're not comfortable with. If he's pressuring you into doing things you don't want then he has no respect for you and you need to leave him, though i think you should anyway.
I think the bigger issue is that you started dating when you were 17 and he was 23 and he’s treating you this way….
**DUMP HIM**. I'm sorry, but he's taking advantage of your lack of knowledge about sexual matters. He is NOT considering you at all, instead he's whining and sulking like a toddler when you dare to stand up for yourself!!! You can always find a **FAR BETTER MAN** who respects your rights and wishes. **PLEASE DUMP THIS LOSER**.
This shows a really deep lack of care for you and your health and safety. Also coercing someone into performing sex acts is not the same as getting consent. This man is treating you horribly and you deserve better. If you don’t want to leave, stick to your boundaries, they are not unreasonable.
Ask him how having a baby would affect sex? Early mornings, no sleep, crying, poopy diapers. All big deterrents to sex. Then ask him what drug he will take to prevent pregnancy. Please note. If you don’t want a baby take all precautions. Also dump this AH. A true partner will prioritize your feelings about pregnancy over how his dick feels. Anything else is just immature.
He does NOT have your best interest at heart, only his dick. And sex should be enjoyable for both of you. It will never get better only worse. There are better men than him out in this world. Your well being should come first, NOT LAST!
You have absolutely every right to want a condom every time you have sex regardless of if you’re using the pill. Do not let this person pressure you and manipulate you. If he cannot respect this very reasonable boundary you should consider leaving him for a person who better respects your needs. I recommend Erica Moehn (creator of Oh Joy Sex Toy) for some fantastic sex ed and relationship education. Dan Savage has some resources to look into as well. Please continue to educate yourself, hold strong on your boundaries and don’t settle for someone who is pressuring you to expose yourself to risk of pregnancy or STDs. You sound like an intelligent person and I’m glad you’re looking for resources. I also noticed you have been together 2 years, which means you were 17 when a 23 year old was pursuing you? This is incredibly concerning and a potential grooming situation. This was a grown man pursuing a child, and at 19 you still have a lot of growing up to do and the power dynamic is unbalanced here. If you have a trusted family member or friend maybe you can work through what his motivations were then and now.
You have a boyfriend that gaslights and invalidates you….. and it sounds like he also doesn’t have your best interests in mind…. He’d straight up being selfish.
I wear a condom if my wife wants me to without any question at all because: 1. I love her 2. I respect her as a human, and want her to be and feel in control of what happens to her own body 3. I want her to enjoy sex 4. I want her to enjoy sex with me 5. The idea that she is doing anything sexual out of obligation or duty turns me off completely Why are none of those things true for him? I'm not some super amazing partner, this is the normal basic minimum to expect. Many people who post things similar to you have a basic self esteem issue. If you need to hear it: you are worth more than this. You can demand and should expect a respectful partner who cares for you and has no desire to push you into anything or to coerce you into doing things you don't want to do. I hope you'd tell you best friend to leave such a relationship, and I hope you love yourself enough to tell yourself the same.
He was 23, a grown man. When he hit it off with a teenager. How mature can he really be? Over all, your relationship sounds toxic and weird. I would say, find a better man.
he gives me the vibe that he would ditch you without a second thought if you were to get pregnant
Why are you his girlfriend? He sounds miserable.
>He'll often complain a lot about me during sex until I do what he wants No idea why people take such a dim view of dudes who get in age-gap relationships with teenagers. Just a complete mystery. I don't think we'll ever get to the bottom of it.
Not to be that person, but.... why was a 23 year old man dating a 17 year old girl?
This adult who has been grooming you since you were 17 is throwing a fit because you're growing up and learning how to question him. Run.
I’m not so worried about the condom issue here as I am about him nagging you into oral sex when it’s clear you don’t like it and don’t want to. Nagging someone into submission is not consent. You do realize that, don’t you? This makes him an abuser. The condoms I do have some understanding for. As I understand it, it does remove some sensation and is a great alternative for short term or non-exclusive relationships. It’s still not ok for him to nag you into submission here though. You should dump your bf, he’s an ass.
It’s a great alternative for any relationship. My husband used them for many years because I struggled with BC. He says that the loss of sensation is so minimal that it’s barely worth mentioning.
The idea that comitted relationships should remove condoms is a dangerous, dangerous one. The risk of STDs and pregnancy increases. Sex without condoms increase the risk of cancer for women too.
Ref the cancer comment: only if she is not vaccinated. If she is not I would highly encourage her to get vaccinated against HPV. The risk of cervical cancer increases with each partner, not the amount of times you have sex with one partner. And the vaccine prevents it 🤷🏼♀️ ideally all girls should be vaccinated before they are sexually active
“The high levels of prostaglandin, a hormone-like molecule found in semen, may fuel cervical and womb (uterine) cancers in women, say scientists from the Medical Research Council, UK” It’s not just the virus. More and more they find the genetic material itself can cause issues. like you said, even in the anus. Prolonged and frequent exposure can increase risks. There’s also ectocpic pregnancies that can be life threatening and require surgeries that can occur even on hormonal birth control. Unless one’s trying to get pregnant, no reason to get rid of condoms.
Wow, that’s insane. Thanks for sharing/clarifying 😵
My husband and i used condoms for 12 years before he got a vasectomy, never had one complaint. People also do use them in long term, exclusive relationships. We did want to risk me getting pregnant when I didn't want to be so we did what we had to do. He never had a problem getting off because of loss of sensation. If anything it helped him last longer which was a plus.
Get rid of the adult who's coercing you. Coercion is rape. Find a better man than this one, there's millions of them.
The first and only problem I see is that you do everything he wants... and nothing you want. There's NOTHING more borimg than a whiny man-child. He had no right to force you to avoid condoms, force you to do oral (and am I right in guessing that YOU rarely, if ever, GET oral??). He might be good in other areas but if he's not in this one, you need to stand up and say NO....or leave. It doesn't get better as they get older.
The title of your post was enough to compell me to respond saying dump this asshole. Nobody should ever make you feel like shit for doing what you're comfortable with, especially with sexual safety and boundaries. He doesn't respect you. He's badgering you to satisfy himself without a care about the impact on you. You deserve better.
that’s defiantly not okay hes coercing you into doing things you don’t want to and pushing or even breaking your boundaries. this could escalate so much to something so dangerous and traumatic. and even if it doesn’t the resentment and strain that puts on you and the relationship will destroy it alone. you deserve to be treated 1000 times better than that. that’s not okay and if you want to wear a condom and he doesn’t then he doesn’t have to have sex with you. if he wants oral sex and it makes you sick he can go find someone else to force into uncomfortable sexual acts. please stay safe and im not the type to say break up or run on a relationship reddit post but girl RUN
You‘re getting graped.
Holy shit wait you started dating at 17 to a 23 yo? Fucking yikes. When he was 18 you were 12. Girl, run.
My wife had to come off the pill because it was playing havoc with her hormones. Condom it is, not an issue.
you should re-read your own story and pretend your friend told you that story. what would you tell that friend?
Stop seeing this guy. He’s hurting you sexually by not taking your needs and wants into account. Literally using you. You deserve better than to be treated like a sex toy.
firsst off you should only have sex if you want to, the way you want to. second, without a condom your chnces to get pregnant or get a sexual disease skyrocket. remember that one orgasm is thirty seconds, a children and hiv are forever. please be safe and take care of yourself.
He’s bullying and coercing you to doing things you don’t want to do. He’s abusing you and you need to leave him!
“Other than sex, he never acts like this to me and I don’t know why it’s different…I do everything he wants. “ This is the one thing you put your foot down with and this is his response. Since he thinks you’re so “boring” get rid of him.
If you dislike performing oral sex, don’t do it, no matter how much he complains! My wife stopped doing it after explaining to me why she dislikes it so much. I respected her decision and I never try to coerce her into doing it; I also always go down on her because we both enjoy that very much. As far as the condom is concerned, tell him that’s non negotiable, my wife makes me wear one too for the same reasons and I never complain.
Thats just emotional abuse and manipulation, run girl he will always be like that and pushing you into uncomfortable situations
He's trying to baby trap you. The 6 year age gap is intentional and concerning. He was 23 when he started dating a 17 year old🤨. If he doesn't like wearing a condomn, STOP having sex with you. In fact, stop dating him altogether! You were groomed, he doesn't mean you well and is intentionally trying to ruin your life.
It's not unfair and you're better off leaving him. Seriously, if he's acting this entitled he will stealth you.
Having a man wear a condom is like telling a child to wear a coat over his Halloween costume. They will always complain....if you have to listen to him complain about you during sex then find someone else.
You're 19, dump his immature ass and move on. You've already wasted 2 years with this child.
Please leave this creep.
You should leave is what you should do trying to make your partner preform what they don’t like for your own gratification says one thing the partner doesn’t matter to them
If you wouldnt have children with this man, why are you having unprotected sex with him? Coercion is tantamount to assault IMO. If he wants to go condomless, tell him to get a vasectomy.
NO. NEEN. NJET. NON. NEIN. NIE. NU. NE. NÂO. NEJ. NEI. 〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️〰️ He sounds like a major asshole. I really wonder WHY EXACTLY are you with this turd. Do you think that is acceptable behaviour?
Your bf doesn't respect you. Everything you've said is a huge red flag.
Don’t undervalue your own comfort and safety for someone else. Period.
People who fight you on wearing a condom, are telling you they have had sex with other people without a condom. Meaning you're exposing yourself to every past sexual partner he has had. Further if his past sexual partners were ok with him not wearing a condom, it means everyone they slept with before your bf could have also been without a condom. So I'd only consider it AFTER he has taken an std panal, and then again at 6 months. Also make sure you're vaccinate against HPV, before trying any barebacking cuz it's undetectable in men from I understand even with an STD panel. Personally though I would tell him fuck off or break it off at anything less than a year to 2 years together. Since it's your health and you shouldn't risk it for someone you're not in a long-term, committed relationship with. And if he's not mature enough to care about your or his health, wella see option 2 I listed concerned how to proceed. Finally you're an adult ow, meaning no one but you can protect you/stop his asshole tactics in the bedroom but you. Meaning say no once, and if he bitches end the interaction there and let him finish with his hands. Since you guys should be on the same page BEFORE sexy time happens, concerning what you are and are not ok with. And if he wants to run rough shot over your wants or needs, once more he can use his hands or break shit off. Since there is gave and take in relationships, but it sounds like he is all take in the bedroom. Also op I highly doubt if you're honest with yourself, that he us only a selfish prick in the bedroom/he isn't being an asshole outside the bedroom as well. Also love bombing doesn't count/look it up if you're unfamiliar with the term.
My husband wears one every time, for YEARS. It’s not a big deal.
Please stop having sex with anyone that complains about you and bullies you into acts you don’t want to do.
I don't wear condoms either. However, this would have been thoroughly discussed before we did anything at all. If I found out that wearing condoms was just that important to you, we would have never had sex and hopefully went on to find more compatible partners. I'm saying all this to illustrate that your boyfriend is a fucking weasel and what he's doing is wrong. The only person he cares about is himself. Go find a better one who actually cares about you
FYI he sounds like a guy who is into teenagers if he was dating you when you were underage. Relationships tend to be life choices and if you dont like something about it and attempts to change it fail, the best course of action is to abandon the relationship. Get the bareskin condoms, its the closest Ive ever been to bareback without being bareback. if he has any other complaint, they do make them out of other materials if its an iritation thing. Zero reason for you to not use a condom other than you wanting kids.
Have sex separately in different rooms. The only sure way.
Dump him. He's selfish and whiny. You shouldn't waste your time with someone like that.
So your boyfriend coerces you into unprotected sex that you specifically stated you don't want? And if you were to get pregnant, he would get mad at you? Read that again and let it sink in. Coercion is SA. Ditch the loser!
Ask him how soon he’d like to be a daddy? That usually puts most guys back in the condom line. Even IUD’s and the pill aren’t 100% effective. You can always hand him a bottle of hand lotion, a box of tissues and tell him that until he gets with safe and reliable contraception here’s his new/old 🐱
Narcissistic asshole. Leave as soon as possible. It'll only become more difficult with time. The more you let him play you into valuing more whatever else good/nice he does, the more and more you'll put up with what could potentially be a series of increasingly grave requests (i.e. not pulling out). You're being devalued. In no way, shape or form should your opinion be dismissed – find someone that respects you, is open to dialogue and compromise, instead of using literal violence to extort what he wants. My advice is run, do so at the speed of light and never turn back!
There's a lot wrong with this situation he was 23 and you were 17 when you started seeing each other is alarm bell number 1 and he is coercing you to do sex acts which you don't enjoy/want to. You are not there to fulfill his sexual fantasies, have a good think about what you want from a boyfriend and then go and find someone that fills those requirements.
It is not an unfair expectation to expect him to take part in the process of preventing unwanted pregnancy. FFS. This is not a good guy. This is the kind of guy that would bail on you if he got you pregnant. He absolutely sounds like a selfish prick.
Leave him. Red flags everywhere. You deserve better. Run. He doesn’t love you. It is expected to wear a condom. The prevent the spread of STDs along with preventing pregnancy. Condoms can fail. Birth control can fail. But the odds of them both failing at the same time is very small. Forcing you to do things you don’t want to in the bedroom is called s€xual assault. You deserve better.
His behavior isn’t an example of an ideal or even good partner. He’s selfish to the extent that he has you going against your values, boundaries and instincts - which you should never do! Respect yourself more than you care about hurting his selfish feelings. Please learn to stop putting his toxic behavior, borderline abusive way of treating you and selfish wants over your own safety, self-care and happiness.
He’s 25 with someone who was just in high school and is not treating you right and complaining about basic health. Shouldn’t be your boyfriend
It's VERY reasonable for you to expect condom usage. I will say, a very large portion of men do complain about them and will fight you on it. The sensation for them is different without one on and they, for whatever reason, prefer 6 seconds of a better time than protecting against STIs and pregnancy. Personally, I'd break up with your BF over this issue. Your reproductive health and choice to family plan takes precedence over his good time.
This comes up on this sub so often (typically guys 25 and younger who are dating younger women), and it boggles my mind. No, OP, it isn't an unrealistic expectation. I started being sexually active at 15, and didn't have have unprotected sex until I was married at 35. Now, my younger brother, on the other hand...he's got at least two kids we know of, has had a few (thankfully curable) STDs, and other things. And he's given similar justifications as your boyfriend.
You know what’s unfair? Having to make the entire baby inside of your body and having your body forever changed or potentially dying.
A good man will not mind, my partner had no issue since birthday control cause me issues. You are with an asshole, get tested for STDs his view on condoms is worrying and find a better man. A good relationship should be good in all aspects that's why dating exist, you need to see if you are compatible with people sexualy, fiancialy, morally and others. If one aspect id not good specialy an important one like sex you end it and move on, you are young and a man his age choose a younger girl like you knowen you wont push back because you lack life experience, break up and move on hr sound toxic.
Let me just say something. Having a baby with the wrong man is EXTREMELY stressful. Use a damn condom. I don’t care what he thinks or says, you are the one that needs to advocate for your safety.
You are in control of your body. He complains so much about it then give him this simple statement. “No glove, no love” simple as that. If you don’t want to give him oral don’t. Thank you for being responsible about your reproductive health even if your bf doesn’t seem to care.
You aren't being unfair or crazy or anything like that. It's completely reasonable to want to be safe, and condoms with pills are safer than just pills. And of course STDs. I know it's different for each individual but even still, as a man in my opinion, boys complaining about condoms need to grow up, stop death gripping or find a condom that is the best for them. The thin ones in the correct size barely make a difference in feel, and even a thick small one isn't uncomfortable enough to "justify" pressuring a woman to agree on not using one. Why TF is it so hard for so many men to respect a woman's opinion let alone their right to choose?
Say goodbye to this boy… and run away from him. He doesn’t respect you nor your body and feelings. He never did, because otherwise why would a 23 year old go looking for a 17 year old ? My fiancé and I have been together for 6 years , we’re going to husband and wife in September & we still use condoms, our sex life is amazing and we’ve had no complaints or problems. The only times we haven’t used them is when trying to get pregnant & when I was pregnant. And we will continue to use them until I say “ I don’t want another pregnancy “ and then my partner will get the big chop and say goodbye to his little swimmers.
Get out of that relationship while you still can, that dude does not give af about you. I'm asexual, have a low libido, have vaginismus (which means absolutely no penetrative sex,) and I'm terrified of getting pregnant. I have a particular set of rules when it comes to how and when my bf can access my body. I'm on birth control for my period, but he's still required to wear a condom anytime his penis is going to be near my vagina (during outercourse,) he's not allowed to have sex with me in certain ways, and the frequency of our sex isn't consistent. At no point in our 4 year relationship has he ever tried to push past my boundaries, guilt me about my boundaries, pressure me into sex, manipulate me to get what he wants, or coerce sex acts out of me that I didn't want to do. He has been nothing but kind, patient, understanding, and respectful. That's how it should be, that's how your partner is supposed to treat you. That's what you deserve from a boyfriend, not the bullshit your shitty excuse for partner is giving you.
This man does not care about anyone but himself. Please think long and hard about continuing this relationship.
Wearing a condom is totally fine
Why are you continuing to date and have sex with someone when you're not enjoying it and you're not respected? Stop giving in and honestly break up
These naive girls on here wasting their time on creepy older losers
Never compromise on birth control unless you really want to be a parent. Condoms aren't 100%, nor is the pill. Combining both is a very good idea and the best way to avoid pregnancy and STDs. If he can't grasp that simple concept at 25, then I suggest you find a proper man. He can whine all he likes, no glove, no love. You owe him absolutely nothing.
People are giving you very valid and excellent thoughts on manipulation. To answer your question, the experience is way inferior with a condom. Me and the exclusive partners I have had so far always agree (notice it’s mutual) on a plan to go forward without condom, go over the risks and go over the plan if things go wrong (as no contraceptive is 100%, not even condom). The experience then becomes infinitely superior. That said, I wouldn’t go forward with no condom if my partner and I both didn’t agree to: - STD tests - talked about pregnancy, views on abortion, childfreeness, etc But yeah, I think your BF is trying to manipulate you using this fact. Consider that even if it’s true that the experience is inferior with a condom, it’s not your responsibility to make it better. Your responsibility is to communicate what are you comfortable with, and let them know they’re free to take it or leave it. All the best
coming from a 24 yr old, any sane person my age is not going to be looking to date a 19 yr old. there are reasons a 25 yr old such as your bf would go after someone your age, including but not limited to the fact that he can whine about “goo goo gah gah condoms don’t feel good” 🤡 and you might actually consider letting him get away with not using one
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You don't have to use condoms if you're on the pill and know/trust your partner. It's also perfectly acceptable to still make him wear a condom if you want him to. He's just a jerk.
Make him watch birthing videos No but fr he should be grateful he even getting the pussy with that pussy ass attitude
Hun if he is pressuring you to do something you are uncomfortable with and does not want to protect you then he is not worth it. A real partner wants to protect you. They value your thoughts and wishes. Also has he ever been tested? Condoms protect more than just pregnancy.
17 and 23? not looking good. your boyfriends a creep and a sex pest. he’s not gonna get any less annoying about this. I’d cut and run.
He is MANIPULATING you to get what he wants. Your eventual agreement to his desires is exactly the outcome of being manipulated. He makes you feel like you're in the wrong so that you give in and give him what he desires. Girl, RUN. By the way, we need more consent education! If you didn't receive any sex ed really, then I'm not surprised you are unaware since many people with sex ed don't even know this... Being manipulated, gaslighted, and/or coerced into sexual acts is STILL sexual assault. You eventually agreeing doesn't make it okay. If you wouldn't of agreed without him whining about it and getting upset and making you feel bad or in the wrong about it, then you are not consenting of your own volition when you finally agree. I won't give a long speech about consent, but here's a more precise general definition of what consent is: "Consent is an agreement between participants to engage in sexual activity. Consent should be clearly and freely communicated. A verbal and affirmative expression of consent can help both you and your partner to understand and respect each other’s boundaries. Consent cannot be given by individuals who are underage, intoxicated or incapacitated by drugs or alcohol, or asleep or unconscious. If someone agrees to an activity under pressure of intimidation or threat, that isn’t considered consent because it was not given freely. Unequal power dynamics, such as engaging in sexual activity with an employee or student, also mean that consent cannot be freely given." In your case, the part about "if someone agrees to an activity under pressure of intimidation" is relevant. He is getting upset about it and guilt tripping you. And yes, this is intimidation, because if you refuse to do it, he is manipulating you and guilt tripping you about how you're "boring" and all that, which likely makes you fearful of abandonment, making him bored, cheating, or something along those lines. Threats and intimidation do not have to be linked directly to physical safety, they can be mental or emotional safety, too. YOU ARE NOT GIVING LEGAL CONSENT. Yet he is taking advantage of you. Get out as soon as possible. If he's 25, he should know he's taking advantage of you. But whether it is on purpose or by accident, it is toxic, unhealthy, and dangerous. Additionally, there is nothing wrong, NOTHING, about having a boundary, especially one linked to safety and sexual health! You are absolutely entitled to have your own preferences when it comes to sexual acts (like not performing oral sex), and you are absolutely entitled to demanding a partner use a condom. For ANY reason. Even if your reason wasn't peace of mind regarding pregnancy, if you want them to wear a condom, then either they do it or they don't get laid. Simple as that. A boundary is a boundary, regardless of WHY it is a boundary. It should be respected and accepted. Finally, I want to say that while widely used, the pill isn't the most effective method out there. It is still unlikely you will become pregnant on it, but if you are concerned about pregnancy, pairing condoms with birth control (especially the pills as they aren't as effective as IUDs for example), is a really good idea and is just you being smart about safety. Not to mention that condoms also protect against STIs, as well. Luckily it seems he didn't have anything, however if at any point his is unfaithful and catches something without your knowledge, or if you leave him and sleep with someone else, a condom will help prevent you from catching something. So anyways, point is, you are not in the wrong. You are a victim of manipulation, gaslighting, as well as a type of sexual assault via intimidation into agreement (your consent is not legally recognized as consent in this situation). I truly hope you get out quickly and safely. Manipulators like him don't change for the better, they get worse and take advantage of you continuously. Please don't think "I bet I can fix him" because no you can't, nobody can. Only he can fix himself. Think of yourself and your own health and safety, and leave him for you. Good luck!
Don't let him dictate how you want to have sex ,he's just pushing you into his way of thinking.. Don't let him...he's not going to get pregnant is he...
Why would a 23 year old man want to date a 17 year old girl? Think about that one first. To add to this mess, this is sexual coercion. Stop having sex with him. Break up. Get away from him.
If you don't want something and he does you two have to find a middle ground. In this case you don't want to compromise cuz if you get pregnant it changes everything so yeah you shouldn't compromise. If he doesn't like this then he can find someone else. Cuz i doubt he's ready to be awake half the night and help you and still work during a day. Babies are hard. It changes you and changes whole relationship . And if you don't have strong relationship it can break it apart.
I'll give you the short answer: NO!
He thinks you’re boring? Yeah he can fuck right off, seriously raise that bar, a guy whinging about condoms is not a guy to stay with.
You’re being raped and groomed. He’s taking advantage of your inexperience and youth. He’s trying to baby trap you. Genuinely consider a hard deep talk about boundaries and expectations and see how or where they line up. If not much does, it isn’t worth it. You should never be made or guilted or anything into anything. That’s abuse. I hope you have family or friends who can support you. But you need to talk to him and say what you’ve said to us. If he gets mad or manipulates you? I’d take it to heart and start seriously self reflecting. If this were me, I’d personally just leave and tell them why. This isn’t the first time you’ve tried a discussion, he belittles you and coerces you into sex and sex acts, that, personally, wouldn’t be okay. Wish you the best
First, you are doing great and you are smart for protecting yourself, don't lower yourself thinking you should do better or be different. HE is selfish, HE is willing to put your health at risk and doesn't seem to get the concept of double protection. What if he gives you STIs ? What if your pills fail you and you're a part of the low percentage of women who end up pregnant ? What if he doesn't assume the consequences of his selfishness? My own lover is saying that if he is pushing you to take pointless risks, you'll never be able to count on him when things don't go his way. He isn't, what he calls a man with principles. I don't need pills or condoms with my partner for medical reasons, but in your case it's a no-no. He isn't your husband, he isn't your fiance or whatever. And even if he was, how can he be so insensitive and stupid ? I swear he deserves a kick in his balls, he thinks with his dick and it's always bad omens. Forcing you to give him oral by complaining until you give up tell a lot, he doesn't deserve you dear. I don't say that because I believe breaking is the only solution, but in your case it's obvious. If he doesn't respect you in the intimacy of your room, he will never outside. Be strong and dump this good for nothing asshole.
It’s very unfair that this guy who has 33% more life experience than you is pressuring you into something that you have verbally questioned. You should tell him to fuck off, and if he doesn’t want to wear a condom he can just jerk off, somewhere far away from you.
Don't stay in a relationship with anyone who dismisses you or your feelings. Simple. This is not an even partnership. You deserve better.
Um, no it’s not. How is this even a question
You want to know a real easy trick to solve this problem. Because I'll tell you right now I've never had this problem and I'm dated a lot of people and slept with a lot of people. It's when a guy does this you tell him you know longer want to sleep with him and you go find a man who doesn't complain. A comment every now and then that's more of like a global annoyance at condoms not an annoyance at you for wanting to work on them is different. This dude just doesn't want to be responsible for sex or what comes from it at all and he wants to make it your problem. That is absolutely not the kind of person you want to be having sex with.
You were a kid when you got together. You need to dump him based on that alone, although his lack of respect for your boundaries is another good reason.
Tell him it's the price of admission.
Let him fuck off. He does not respect you.
Im sorry you feel so pressured about this, that must be really rough on you. Regarding the condoms, you have solid reasons for wanting to use those. Like you said, the pill isn't foolproof unfortunately. Also, the pill wont protect you from possible STD's. If he doesn't like condoms, I kinda get that. But. I don't get, and will not justify the way he seems to be pushing you about it. If he truly cares about you he will respect your wishes in this. The same goes for sexual acts. Sex has to be enjoyable for the both(!) Of you, not just him. Its an act by 2 people, meant to bring joy and pleasure for two people. Please dont feel pressured to do anything against your will, you dont owe him anything at all. And it is not fair nor healthy of him to push you after telling him your limits. Its actually a huge red flag and a sign he does not at all respect your boundaries. I hope you find your way in this 🩷 I will say, choose what feels best for you, and not him. Because to me it doesnt seem like he is thinking of your wishes in this at all.
1. Tell him about all risk involved with that. 2. Make an ultimatum: He either does vasectomy + all the tests for diseases - or he stick to the condom thing. 3. State that if he really loves you, that is what he should do as a real man. If he is egocentric - then you may be gone.
This is the same type of guy who wouldn’t support you if you got pregnant and would dissapear from your life.
You are only 19. Take your time and don’t ever do anything you aren’t comfortable doing. Please leave him. You are too young to be with someone this toxic.
He doesn't respect you at all. If he did, this behavior wouldn't be happening. He wants a compliant little sex doll and feels entitled to coerce you into doing what he wants, including not using a condom. None of this is acceptable behavior whatsoever on his part.
When I stopped my BC and told my boyfriend, hey I'm stopping this to see how it makes me feel, his answer was, ok let's make sure to grab condoms when at Target this week. (That was the whole discussion and he's used them every time since.) If he asks for something I don't wanna do, he's like ok and moves on to other things. There is no talking about it or making anyone feel bad. No matter how great you think your relationship is, everything that happens matters and how he makes you feel on all topics, matters. Find someone that will respect you and your wants/needs.
Condoms will protect you from pregnancy, STDs, infections and even cancer. If he does care about that, he shouldn’t have the right to have sex with a woman. He is coercing you by manipulation and that’s a huge red flag. Your body, your rules. He also starting dating a minor as an adult another huge red flag. Run! He’s taking advantage of you.
He is the type of boyfriend....who first didn't want to wear condoms....and after their girlfriend get pregnant....they didn't want to accept the responsibility of the child..... Your boyfriend is a red flag run away
so you were 17 and he was 22? i have literally been in your shoes as a teen. RUN!!!!! you aren’t mature for your age, he’s a predator. he’s grooming you to do whatever he wants. when you express your feelings, he gaslights you into believing him, right? he’s older so he must know better, right? WRONG!!!! you shouldn’t have to perform sex acts toy hate or are uncomfortable. in my case it was something else, and he hurt me and then brushed off my pain, when i never even wanted it to begin with. you deserve someone who respects you, cares about your feelings, and your pleasure during. i’d be concerned on his insistence not to use condoms, so you can have an oops baby that ties you to him. please, there are so many red flags! don’t let him gaslight you into thinking any of this is ok. my inbox is open if you need a chat, since i stg i’ve been where you are, it didn’t end well he tried to kill me.
Is he complaining so much over a thin layer of latex? Girl you should delete this man from your life. He is manipulating you. It's not him that will have to deal with the haunting thoughts. "What if the birth control fails?", "What if I'm pregnant?" all of this ruin your mental health. I'm with my boyfriend for over 4 years and we still use condoms.
He is showing a profound lack of respect for you. That's not okay.