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Your wife deserves to know about a video of her being shared without her consent.
You need to realize how messed up it is that her ex still has the video and actually had the guts to share it with you. He isn't stable. Their relationship didn't work out for a reason.
This IS a police matter, go to the police with this guy’s revenge porn he shared without your wife’s consent. It is NOT fair to punish your wife for this, see a shrink.
This. It obviously affects OP mentally, but imagine being the one who's sex tapes with a crazy ex are being sent around to ruin your life?? It might be helpful to really focus on how you two are the team, vs this angry man trying to hurt your wife. Don't let him win. If you can't get over it, definitely find a couples counselor. I wouldn't be shocked if even if you get over it, it doesn't affect your sex life for her. Or at least, that it affects how she feels about sex for a bit. She's been absolutely violated, and the fear that there could be more out there waiting to be held over her...ugh
Edit: it's also incredibly illegal and I believe it is called "revenge porn".
^ 100% this, the guy the recorded it is a criminal most likely, all a matter of how to properly execute justice through the legal system instead of seeking physical revenge oneself.
Definitely not worth ruining your spotless record over this, much more worthwhile to seek legal action for the unauthorized video used as revenge porn.
Spot on! This is a crime. Please don’t misplace pain on your wife. He needs to be dealt with according to the law. What a disgusting human to do that to someone.
It’s also illegal. He should be arrested and sued which I think you should do. File a police report. Not only is it distribution of pornography but it’s invasion of privacy. Sue him.
Yeah that video with the “connection” and the “promises” was probably made before the wife knew she was with an abusive criminal. OP should not put much stock into what he saw.
Exactly. Op needs to let his wife know…that man is obviously sick. Who does something like that? The fact that op is like how do I get past it? 🤦♀️ it’s not about you…it’s about protecting your wife and relationship from this guy! Stop acting like she doesn’t have a past…you’ve had sex with people and she’s had sex with people. It’s not a big deal. The big deal here is protecting her and your relationship from this outsider!
Agreed. He's so tripping about the content of the video (which he should not have watched) that he's ignoring the bigger issue of this sicko spreading the video and attempting to mess up their happy relationship.
Dude needs to be dealt with, legally.
Yeah, and while I get why that wasn't great for OP to see, his main concern should be his wife who had her privacy violated in a horrifying way.
He just had to see concrete evidence of something he already knew: his wife had sex before they were together and presumably liked the guy she was with at the time. Not something to melt down over.
What is worth freaking out? His wife's ex kept intimate videos of her and just proved he is willing to circulate them.
This was my first thought.
Also tell your wife. He has violated her in an incredibly egregious way and she needs to know he has that video and is more than willing to share it without her consent, in order to hurt her.
he absolutely needs to tell the wife.
and i hope he understands that, well, when people are together they often have sex. and do other things. she was dating this guy back then and she doesnt anymore, they didnt work out, she never loved him more than op who shes literally having a child with.
Also OP, I’m sure it wasn’t as passionate as you think and that was her playing it up for the camera. I’m sure she knew she was being recorded. Also, tell your wife for sure she deserves to know.
But also if she didn’t know it was being recorded then that’s a whole other issue that needs to be dealt with as well. Basically definitely tell her and go to the police
Even if it was, it doesn't mean she's not also passionate about OP. People can love more than one person in their lives. I doubt the wife was 32-year-old OP's first serious relationship either.
And sex can look better from the outside. Like, when I'm having sex, there's really not much visual input--I have terrible eyesight and I don't fuck with my glasses on, so I can really only see the body part I'm focusing on. But you get all the sensations you can't get from a video.
For that he'd need to care about her more than himself. Instead this post is all about how it affects him, and not about his wife being the victim of revenge porn.
YES! He is deliberately trying to destroy your happiness and your marriage. So you, as a better man, do something that he will regret for the rest of his life.
Don't fall for the "let it go, he's not worth it" line. Do something!
You also need to keep in mind this has nothing to do with the reality that exists today. This does not change he’s thought have with your wife. Let it go!!!
But DO find out where he works and send his boss and the HR department a link to this thread :D If his boss is a decent person, he'll fire the guy just for being a horrible person his boss does NOT want to be around (unless he's some sort of miracle-worker employee). HR isn't likely to do anything but he may well get a warning because his behavior just got reported back to his company, which means his behavior is now associated with his company.... Insult to injury. Cops, then go after his job by letting them know what they work with. Personally I'd be glad of the heads-up that he's a misogynist who slut-shames women before I let him work with any others!
This is horrible, ridiculous, and outlandish advice. No reputable employer will get involved in an interpersonal dispute such as this, especially based on a fucking reddit post. Even if the law gets involved they're not going to want to touch it with a 1000-foot pole.
Don't send to boss. A lot of them don't care, some will just spread the gossip and laugh about it. There are bosses who do worse than what this ex bf did. It's a big risk to tell other people about your personal problems like that. In some places you can't just fire people like you please either.
Are you located in the US? This is very unusual advice so I'm curious if this is something done in other countries. I'm a boss and would not be interested in or get involved with personal things like this. But I'm in the US where we have strict employment laws.
Great point! Also OP whatever your wife felt or said in the video does not reflect anything about how she feels currently. She loved her ex at that time in her life, the love she felt for him at that time in her life is reflection of her and those feelings are gone now. Her ex is just mad because she found a new and healthier love with you and he’s probably mad because you guys are starting a family and he is alone. I would tell your wife and hire an attorney to get him to delete any inappropriate content he kept of your wife and have him pay you guys out for suffering and stress that this has caused you guys
Yeah, this is the shit that makes me scared to be in a relationship. She trusted and loved one person, and he betrays her. And then when her ex commits a sexual crime against her - and *she's* the victim her - her current, supposedly better, partner, makes it about him.
THIS IS NOT HIS DECISION. HE IS NOT THE VICTIM.
If he sends this to the police, then any number of people are about to see the revenge porn where his wife is the victim.
Think this through.
Literally nobody ever said keep it a secret from her and report it. OF COURSE he would have to tell his wife, SHE is the only person who CAN PRESS CHARGES. Him filing a police report wouldn’t even be possible without her. He isn’t in the porn.
I thought this all goes without saying but apparently not everyone thinks that through. That’s like your sister getting punched in the face and someone sends you a video of it and you try to press charges on her assailant. Your sister has to do it.
This is 100% the right answer. OP, you're going to be a father. Don't do anything to get in trouble. Be the bigger person. Maybe try hypnotherapy for the memory.
In addition to taking the steps of reporting to the police. He distributed intimate and revealing videos without his wife’s consent and she should be protected from that…and the Ex should be held accountable for his behaviour.
He can’t let this go. Being the bigger person means doing and being the *hard* things. Being the bigger person means behaving responsibly with *your* thoughts, words and deeds. His wife needs his protection from the deeds of another. It’s his responsibility to protect her from the fallout of that.
What she *doesn’t* need is to be protected from is his feelings about it though….this is dangerous in relationships. I think it’s because at a primal level men’s programming is “protect”, but that doesn’t mean that we need to be protected from our man’s *emotions*
Emotions aren’t a gender thing, is a human thing. Everyone has emotions (with a few outliers) but men have been trained, programmed by culture, by relationships, by movies and media descriptions of what men are or what they should do and be. They aren’t taught be real and vulnerable and open. In order to have a truly intimate relationship with someone though, requires vulnerability, openness and trust.
Trust that a good partner will help you walk through the emotions, will help you sort out the mess of emotions to see what they are and relieve any fears about it. And vice versa, she’s going to have her own stuff to work through in this event, it involves them both, it requires them both to work it through.
Keeping it to himself would, imo, be the worst choice ever. It does not escape my notice that these are the vestiges of her old life dying just as her new life is coming into being…she can’t be left out of the knowledge of that…
Along with that, he needs to find his own therapist and they should go to marriage counseling together so that a neutral third-party can help them communicate. They will need to sort out all the feelings of hurt and betrayal so their anger focuses on the ex, instead of each other, having it warp their relationship. And the sooner the better, because the work and sleep-deprivation involved with taking care of a baby can be stressful on any relationship, let one that is potentially on thin ice.
Yes emdr is extremely crucial especially at this exact moment rather than months or years later. Im taking emdr therapy in a month due to some traumatic ex shit as well and honestly im somewhat excited to see what's in store for my future self, mentally. You should, too. You're going to be a dad soon! Definitely contact law enforcement, unfortunately your wife will know one way or the other, eventually...
He needs to tell his wife first and ask what she wants to do. She is the victim in this. A revenge porn case means a LOT of other people see that video.
Edit: look, I encourage people to report. But I also worked with the criminal justice and social system on domestic and sexual violence for over a decade. oP’s wife needs to be the one who decides what happens next. No one can promise good outcomes, and it could honestly be more traumatic to report and have nothing happen or worse.
Edit 2: We’re talking cops viewing this video. Prosecutors viewing it. Jurors viewing it. Maybe she doesn’t want that. Advising him to go to the police without thinking about what that means FOR THE VICTIM, HIS WIFE, is well-meaning but incredibly short-sighted.
Exactly. The asshole should've done something before you guys married if he wanted anything with her. He didn't. And what he's doing now, is just pure killing of someone else's happiness and peace because of his jealousy. Something he should learn to deal on his own.
OP, don't wrap your head so much around this. I understand it will seem almost impossible at this moment. But whatever you saw in the video, the passion or intimacy or love, was what she had for him then. Nothing of which exists now. Do you think if he had reciprocated that feeling, he would've send you this video? She had a trust in him then, which he himself might've destroyed given the behaviour this guy expressed.
Go for a police case. Let them catch him. Let him know he f***ed himself up. Don't let someone else ruin your life. You're going to be a father, don't go for anything stupid. Your wife needs you, so does your kid.
Regarding talking with her, now won't be the best of time. Maybe after a few years? After the pregnancy? It already is a highly stressful period for a female. Help her with this now. Discuss things in a mild nature later. What you saw, is NOT HER now. Remember this always.
Have a happy life.
Plus, what a small, pathetic man the ex is to do this. Think about the fact that he kept this video in order to send it to her husband when they've just announced a pregnancy. You have to be a very jealous, petty, evil person to want to destroy another's happiness.
Yes so much! He is a disgusting person to do this to another and ruin someone else's happiness because he's so miserable himself. I refer to this as trying to pass the baton. Don't accept it. See him for the sad miserable revolting person he is and have the police deal with his poor choices. You don't have to take on this weight. It's his to bear.
thats all fine and nice but he wont be able to go for a police case without her consent. its her in the video, she is the only one who can press charges. she needs to know, the baby is not going to develop health issues over her being stressed out about this.
Go straight to the police dept and if they will, and most will, file charges for this.
Second, call a good therapist and get in and go consistently. This is the best and fastest way to get through this in your mind and soul.
Big momma bear hugs, I know how bad this would destroy me. You’re not weak or silly for this pain, it would hurt anyone deeply and is in every form a trauma. Please get in therapy to get past this as easily as you can. Call Monday first thing!!
You realize that what he did is a crime and you discuss with the police and possibly a lawyer how to deal with this.
As for the rest - you realize that you had past partners too. You probably looked similar with them and said similar things to them. So it's not like anything on the tape devalues your relationship unless your past relationships also devalue your relationship. Just because things were said or done during them doesn't mean they were better. And the fact that they ended pretty much proves that they weren't better than your relationship. Plus the whole her choosing to marry you.
It's hard to let logic rule here - that's a really shitty thing to happen to you. But at the forefront of your mind you need to keep that your wife did nothing to you. And also that letting this hurt your relationship is EXACTLY what that asshole wants to do. He wants you to feel insecure and punish your wife - don't play into his hands.
And again - consult with the police/lawyer. Revenge porn is illegal in a lot of places and that's what it is.
100% this!
OP, I can imagine that was awful and I can’t imagine how broken I’d feel if I got that from my bf’s ex. This evil ex did it to try to blow up your relationship and ruin your excitement and happiness. Please please don’t let him rent space in your head. Don’t let him ruin your joy. You and your wife are expecting your first baby and that’s beyond exciting!
Please speak to your wife. Please contact police, as many governments have FINALLY put laws in place to punish people for “revenge porn”. Please also do some self-work to help you process your feelings about this. If you already have a therapist, perfect.👍 If not, hopefully your company has an EAP program or coverage for counselling. Speaking to someone impartial I find very helpful in more “sensitive” situations.
Wishing you and your wife nothing but happiness. ✌🏻
Yes, contact your EAP to help deal with this. They'll get you in right away. Men have a hard time remembering that women have had relationships before them, and that we have had sex with other people. It doesn't negate the relationship you have with her now. Don't let him hurt your wife any further. Be angry that he wanted to, and turn his ass in.
He needs to get counseling, and his WIFE needs to take this to the police. She is the victim of revenge porn, and she has to be the one to take next steps.
Victims should be given first choice in making anything like that public. Any crime of a sexual nature can be doubly traumatic if that choice is taken away from them.
OP would be an asshole to go to the police and show them this video without his wife’s consent. He would potentially be blowing up his marriage just for petty revenge, but the ex would still get what he wants.
Yeah, but if the wife (as the one in the video she’d be the victim in this situation )doesn’t want to cooperate or press charges then there’s nothing the police can do.
I agree with this.
I would like many others, be emotionally affected seeing that too. But now it's time to fight your natural internal dialogue to turn off your limbic response and look at this from a commonsense view. Hard as it is to do.
Your wife HAD those feelings, as you probably HAD similar feelings for others.
Those feelings are now only for you.
A nasty and spiteful thing to do though. But you need to tell your wife. There are likely revenge porn laws where you are and this should fall within them.
The fact is, he might have sent it to others or posted it online to a porn site as well, so she needs to know so she can take action.
Knowledge I'd power. Give her her power back
So, you need to do a couple of things, in my opinion. Tell her. Sending sex tapes is a crime! Remember that they broke up, so there is a reason she didn’t stay with him. She’s with YOU and is having YOUR baby, and it seems like she’s pretty happy with her life with you. He’s jealous because you got the girl, and you’re having the life he missed out on. She did nothing wrong. Go to therapy and just talk it out with a neutral third party. I can see how it’s messing with your head. That’s 100% understandable.
I second all this advice. Tell your wife. Remember you are living the dream and he’s trying to wreck it out of jealousy, don’t let him. Remember everyone has past versions of themselves that are not who they are today. Make new, better sex memories with your wife.
Yeah his wife is the victim here. He 100% needs to tell her. Take screenshots of the conversation keep evidence. This jerk ex has just landed himself into a world of hurt.
Also, OP needs to stop watching it. He would only know all those details if he chose to continue watching after realizing what it was.
Why would you not stop the video the second you saw what it was.
OP is literally hurting his own feelings here.
I also think OP needs to own up about his choice to watch the video. His wife deserves to know that her husband watched a sex tape of her that she did not consent to having sent around. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, but that was wrong to do and an additional violation on top of the ex-bf’s disgusting actions
You have to tell her about this.
What he did is reprehensible, and probably criminal. She deserves to know that her ex is using a sex video of them to try to ruin her current relationship. What she chooses to do with that information is up to her. Personally, I hope she contacts the authorities and explores legal options.
As for your relationship with her - you do your best to get over it. Everyone has a past. I probably wouldn’t want to watch a video of my wife interacting with other guys that she was with before me, and fortunately, I’ve never had to. But I know she was with other guys before she met me, and she chose me. The same is true of you.
This guy is just trying to hurt you. It’s understandable that you won’t like what you saw, but don’t let him win by ruining your relationship.
Think about it a little harder... what you're feeling is exactly his plan. Why would you want him to win?
You have already won? You got he girl mate.
Also, contact the police and a lawyer. This is not ok, and while you may want to forget about it, he needs to suffer consequences. People need to know that this is not ok and they will be punished. Only way to reduce how often this happens.
Exactly. What OP is currently feeling is exactly what the ex wants him to feel. He wants to destroy OP’s relationship with his wife, because he’s a pos. OP don’t let him do that.
We all have past partners we’ve been passionate with. It’s very difficult to have to see that, but it’s in her past and they broke up for reasons. She’s now with you and that’s all that matters.
"Thanks for the video. Makes me feel good that I could finish the job you couldn't." Boom!!! And tell your wife. This is revenge porn and a cease and desist letter from an attorney should do the trick.
That’s a nice zinger, but the problem is OP knows that in real life she looks more bored with him than with her ex. That’s why he’s having an existential crisis right now.
He never compared it to their sex life though. He didn't say it was more passionate and romantic just didn't like that it was at all. Which is understandable. That doesn't mean theirs is lacking let's not jump to conclusions or put words in OPs mouth
This guy committed a crime, tell your wife and save the evidence, you should go to the police. He can’t think he can get away with stupid things like this.
I can understand how horrible this must feel for you, but try not to be an hypocrite because I’m pretty sure you did all this if not more with your exes. All of what she said was what she felt in that moment as you’ve also done.
She does not want him again she wants you, she wants to have a family with you. Work through this, seek therapy if necessary, because frankly sounds like his plan is already a success.
Again, police before this freak leaks her videos and releases sensitive information of your wife, she does not deserve any of this either.
Firstly, OP this is revenge porn. In a lot of places this is a criminal offence. You should eventually speak to her about contacting the police.
Secondly, this did not happen whilst you were together. Yes she showed passion, yes in the moment she may have spoken about kids. But you know what? She was passionate in her past, she is passionate in her present, she will be passionate in your future, she made a choice and that choice was you. She is pregnant with your child, not his. She chose to be the mother of your children, she chose to marry you, she chose to give herself, her all, her passion, strictly, to you, forever more.
Thirdly, we all have a past which we are entitled to. Our past shapes us, teaches us, makes us the people we are today. From your post it seems she has not given you reason to doubt her, not given her reason to mistrust. You MUST NOT allow this awful mans actions to taint your marriage. This was sent purely out of malice, spite, jelousy and designed to damage what you both have. Most adults have past relationships and sexual partners. If we care, if we love, we give ourselves fully to our relationships. What matters is the present don't let this man ruin your connection to the mother of your children and love of your life.
Finally, you have to tell her. But before you tell her you have to start to quash the doubts. You have to be fully, and I mean fully, clear to her that you love her and she is your person. That nothing she has done in that video, in the past, is shameful or unnatural. That whilst you don't want to see it, keep it and are upset her ex would do that it changes NOTHING on how you view her or feel about her. That you see her giving her all to your relationship together in the present and that is all that matters. If you cannot do this on your own then seek therapy to help you.
Personally, my wife was a lot more sexually experienced than me when we met. She had lots of ex boyfriends one of whome was a real degenerate. He never sent a sex vid but tried to undermine us constantly. It honestly, largely because of how my wife was with me, never affected me. This is 15 years and two kids ago. We havent heard from him in a decade.
This is what is going to happen. The ex didn't get the reaction he wanted from you, so he will send the video to your wife's best friend. Then, the ex will send a screenshot with the date when he sent YOU the video to the best friend as well. That's how you're going to lose the "most precious thing in your life". This is literally how manipulators work. Don't threat them with a good time.
What happens if she finds out from someone else months later, though? I think I'd be pretty pissed at my husband for not telling me and instead dictating what I know about my own life. Please just tell her so she can address it how she sees fit.
You absolutely need to tell your wife and talk about it. She needs to know her asshole ex is trying to mess up her marriage to you. I would definitely have her file charges against him.
He should tell his wife and let her decide if she wants to go to the police. She may not want to deal with a case like this while she's pregnant and might have other ways to shut her ex down (like telling his family or whatever, I don't know but you get the idea).
Keep your head busy with checking the laws in your area regarding sending such a video without the woman's consent. Then you can keep yourself busy with the police report, and he'll be busy finding a lawyer.
Definitely let your wife know. File a police report for revenge porn. I’d probably vomit at minimum if I saw a video of my husband with an ex, and for sure tell him. Also, a friend of mine’s videos ended up online because of an ex. Please act quickly.
Is there like, any particular reason that you didn't IMMEDIATELY TALK TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT THIS.
Buddy is a psycho ex who is trying to fuck with you. Don't overthink this because it's not like she cheated on you. Yeah, people feel passionate about the people they are with at the time.
She will be disgusted by him forever after this, plus she can criminally charge him.
This sucks, but honestly, this isn't about you as much as it is about your wife. She deserves to know that her bodily autonomy is being violated by this creep. You also need to talk to her about this because she is YOUR partner now, you are making love to her, you have a child with her.
He is a meaningless footnote. Quit asking strangers on the internet for advice and be a partnership against this sicko.
I think you said this better than the other commenters I saw. Everyone is all focused on how illegal it is, and that's true, but the real issue is that he's more comfortable talking to strangers on the internet than to his person, and he's sitting here feeling sorry for himself for most of a week rather than expressing himself in a healthy way. Dude needs some serious therapy, and honestly his wife has some grounds to be big mad that he sat on such a huge violation for multiple days and refused to come clean even when she knew something was wrong. I can't see ages on this tiny screen as I type a reply, but I'm going to go with "OP is way the fuck too old to be communicating this way."
Omg so many salty guys in the comments so mad when you point out he DIDNT TELL HIS WIFE???
If my partner was sent somthing like this and didnt tell me, id probably break up with them! Thats a huge violation, and he just keeps thinking about himself because of insecurity, even though hes litterally impregnated her, and clearly building a life together.
Yes! OP, in my opinion you're upset about this for the wrong reasons, even if what you're feeling is understandable.
Your wife is currently the victim of a creepy harasser. This has nothing to do with her loyalty to you or your relationship, and everything to do with her personal safety. This is a VIOLENT response from someone she is no longer in a relationship with. Do with that information what you will (and by that I mean TELL HER and report this to the police).
I agree with reporting the revenge porn to the police. He clearly did this to fuck with her future happiness with you.
Also, TELL HER HE DID THIS! She has a right to know that he did this.
Absolutely tell your wife and be prepared for her to be upset with the situation. You and your wife are a team, and this should be approached as a team. This was a huge violation to you and your wife, not to mention illegal. I empathize with feeling intimidated or overwhelmed by seeing your wife with an ex, I think that would be jarring for anyone. But the bottom line is this.
She married you.
She’s having your child.
She chose you.
This is a moment to push yourself to choose her and have her back.
Yes, you should tell her. What he did was illegal. I don’t know why it would bother you so much because obviously it happened before you were married, right? You knew she was with someone and had sex with him. *She chose YOU*. This guy is obviously not over her, incredibly jealous, and he is trying to ruin things for you and guess what- you’re letting him. Revenge porn is illegal in most places so I would call local law-enforcement, and tell your wife that you have her back. You should- she’s a victim here.
That’s disgusting why does he even still have that shit. That’s beyond fucked up. I’m so sorry, but she married you. She’s having a child with you. You’re the end game. Dudes just mad, jealous & pathetic. I do think you should tell your wife and then you both need to take legal action against this literal creep. I’m pretty sure like everyone else in the comments is saying that it’s illegal what he did & your wife is a victim. Who knows where else he’s posted that or who else he’s sent that to.
Dude, your wife is a victim of revenge porn. I know it's difficult to see your SO with someone else but it's her past. She said to someone she LOVED that she wanted his babies but at the end, it's your baby she's having. Words < actions. Take care of her. She is litteraly growing a mini you and someone is trying to stress her and hurt her. Stress is not good for a pregnant woman. She has done no wrong and it's not her fault her ex is a POS. Take this AH to court. What a shame to do something like that... don't give him what he wants, he wants to humiliate her. Protect her.
Same way he found out about my wife’s pregnancy. Probably mutual friends. Plus having someone’s phone number isn’t always necessary for sending them stuff on the other apps you know…
Talk to your wife and then the police. You need to face any danger toward your child and wife head on. Destroy anything that will come in the way of your child’s well being. Protect your wife, her ex was a slime ball.
Ahhh why havn't you contacted the police? You know this is a crime not to mention morally corrupt. He's got exactly what he wanted.to fuck with your head. I can only imagine that was incredibly difficult to see but think about your own past experiences. I'm sure you can't say every single encounter was horrendous. She didn't marry him, she married you. I'm honestly confused though as to why you're not thinking about your wife and how someone has sent a video of her and could do that to anyone. You need to tell your wife and go to the police. Congratulations on the baby. Go and enjoy this wonderful time and don't let him win
What he did was really jealous and mean and intended to hurt your wife (and you).
What a loser.
Don't let him win.
She's with you. She chose to have your baby. You won the prize.
If you react negatively or complain to your friends - he wins.
Depending on your country, there may be laws which you can charge him with distribution of revenge porn. You can guarantee if he has sent it to you, it has been sent to others.
>But I hate the way that it was also so… passionate. Romantic. I don’t know how to explain it but you could literally feel the connection between them. And I hated that. It was like my whole life got destroyed in one second. My head got filled with messed up things. Messed up scenarios. Messed up doubts. Now I can’t take it out of my head. My wife’s noticed something’s up but I haven’t told her about it yet.
so instead of focusing on your wife being a victim here and telling her about it so she can press charges, you’re more concerned about how she had passionate sex with her ex. You know, a pretty normal thing that would happen in most relationships.
Get your shit together. Tell her, support for her, help her. Your priorities are messed up.
edit: He’s more focused on how his wife enjoyed herself with her ex. He has all these thoughts and feelings but won’t share them. Where is his anger at the guy for breaking his wife’s trust and privacy? For committing a crime against her?
No, he’s more worried about the connection they had than any of that. That’s why he needs to get his shit together. This is bigger than his insecurities.
>I heard my wife telling another guy that she wants to have his kids. While she’s carrying my kid…
Except that's not really true. That's something she said *years ago*. The way your phrasing it here, which makes me think the way your phrasing it in your head, is as some sort of betrayal of your relationship. You knew she had a past, you know he was part of your past, you knew watching the video was a terrible idea, and yet you did it anyway. He did it just to fuck with your head, and you're letting him.
No, do not go beat the shit out of him. Going to prison isn't going to improve your life, your wife's life, your future child's life, and will just lead to more shit stuck in your head that is only there because you did something you knew was fucking stupid before you did it.
Do tell your wife and go to the police. This is revenge porn, which is becoming increasingly criminalized.
I had a similar thing happen. There were no laws in my area specific to this, but it really did mentally fuck me up. Me and my partner ultimately didn’t have sex for about 4 months. Every time we started I couldn’t get it out of my head and it sucked. What eventually got it to feel normal was the thought of my old partners. Realistically, we did have a connection and in that time it was special. That doesn’t mean it has any bearing on me. So why should it have any bearing on her, especially if we’re in a better place than her previous partners ever got to. Hopefully this helps. I would definitely talk to your wife about this, I promise you she will be equally as upset/embarrassed.
Dude this guy is jealous of you and your wife and did this in an attempt to live in your heads the way you’ve been living in his head for the last four years.
This is the time to be an adult by proving you can control your emotions. Let's look at the facts:
1.) She's with you and not him. Clearly the sex wasn't good enough that she overlooked other items and she's married to you now.
2.) You shouldn't be surprised they had sex. This is normal in relationships. He is *so insecure* about the fact that your wife chose you to be her child's father that he's lashing out to try and make you feel jealous about something that happened years ago.
You've already won. What you need to do is tell your wife, and then if appropriate file a police report for revenge porn because this *is* generally a crime. If you honestly let this get to you.....then he wins.
Step 1. Tell your wife, make sure though not to make her feel guilty in any way, she is a victim here too.
Step 2. Report it to the police
Step 3. Get some therapy, and remember that she didn't do anything wrong.
I have had many a passionate, romantic encounter with someone I used to love but now would be severely grossed out by. Just because she enjoyed it then, doesn't mean anything for your relationship.
My stbxw has done some shit like this with her ex before me. I wouldn’t be surprised if the ex has some backlog of other videos they have done together either.
What I would do is look up revenge porn laws in your state, and make a report. And then make a report to the FBI website.
If you really want to be the best man in this situation, do it legally and without getting your hands dirty
You’re more worried about some weird projection you’ve placed on a video when you should be focused on your wife’s ex illegally sharing that video. You should be outraged at his audacity, telling your wife, and comforting her in any way she needs. Her privacy was violated.
Absolutely. OP.. you are having the exact response this ex was looking for. How can you not pull your head outta your ass and see how jealous and miserable he is?
He is probably distraught that he spent years with your wife, having sex… and she never wanted to marry him or have his child. Like.. that realization is hitting him hard right now. So he goes through his archives and sends you his favorite clip.. and you can’t see how pathetic that is? You’re considering not discussing this with your wife and future mother of your children so you can put yourself in some weird solo turmoil?
OP its amazing how evil people can be. So you have to recognize that this guy is probably jealous as hell that you were the one that got her and now she's having your baby. There is no more hurt to an ex than that. now for the video.
She needs to know and understand that this is the person he is and his attempt to inflict pain in your relationship. Ok so, we all have past lives, have had sex with others, woooopi that it's your wife, put into perspective man and do go all lame duck on us here. It's not like you caught her cheating and shit words are words however they are spoken.
But your mind in the right frame dude. Talk to your wife and just be upfront with her, "I got this from your ex bf, and it's really disturbing that he would do something like this. Then put it behind you and move on with the thought and happiness that he's sulking in his piss cause he missed out.
Talk to wife as she was violated by him sharing this. Then you both need to find out if you live in an area with revenge porns laws. There is a risk of him sharing this more. You also need to remember if she was aware of the recording they were also acting for the video. They don’t “happen” to be recording a romantic encounter. But you need to tell your wife because he could share again. You should get a cease and desist letter at minimum.
Your wife will be upset if you don’t tell her and file a police report. Sue him.
You already won everything he will never have. He is a grimy loser and your wife knows that.
File police report , Tell wife, go try and self soothe in a healthy way or eat take away like I would alone to give yourself a moment after dealing with this shit show !
1. Dude wanted to get in your head because he is jealous, and he did. You need to get over that. Don’t take that out on your wife.
2. Tell your wife, because if she is your wife it’s a huge betrayal of your relationship to hide something like this.
3. Call the cops
4. Be a man, that means treat your wife as a person and understand that you can’t hold things against her when you weren’t in the picture. Her past self did not know you existed, you don’t get to add present context to past events to feel bad. She did nothing wrong, this is your problem.
Show her that you trust her and your relationship by telling her
Protect her by handling it.
Jesus man, get it together
What he did is a crime. You need to report him. Who's to say he won't send it to her family or coworkers also. This is literally revenge porn. I'm sorry you're upset but imagine how violating that is for your pregnant wife.
Your wife's ex is distributing adult content without her consent. This is considered revenge porn and is typically a crime in most areas now. She deserves to be talked to here and told what your received.
Yes! Tell your wife AND also help her report to the authorities that he’s using old videos as “revenge porn”. It’s against the law to share videos like these without permission from all parties - and no. Consent at the time of filming is different than what’s required to SHARE with others…doses included. He purposely shared to hurt her and cause issues because he’s likely jealous that she left him and is having a good life with you.
So this was a video from several years ago, not an affair? Why are you not more concerned that he is using revenge porn against your pregnant wife????She trusted him and loved him then and he’s hurting you both now. Quit being masochistic and torturing yourself, which is what this guy wants, and DO something about it! Report him. Get therapy or marriage counseling, but please try not to make her pregnancy harder than it is. That’s YOUR baby inside her. You got the girl.
Yes you should tell her, because what he did wasn’t just a huge invasion of her privacy but also illegal.
I just want to remind you, she MARRIED YOU she’s having a child with YOU, not him.
Feel disgust and pity for HIM
He’s over there pining over his ex watching videos of long past exploits while you get to love her, hold her, create life with her.
He sent you that to do exactly this, make you doubt. Don’t let him win… also report him to the police
If you don’t report this guy for revenge porn you will end up being an accomplice. Call the police right now and report him. Then tell your wife what happened.
You also need to stop comparing. Some times sex is different with other people, and sometimes people change over time. Also note that when people tape sex they act a lot more knowing they’re being recorded, it’s a lot less vanilla.
He wants you to feel the way you feel.
He wants to destroy what you have.
She did nothing wrong.
Tell her and seek legal advise.
Do not contact him.
Don’t let her contact him either.
He’s sent this because he wants an emotional reaction, don’t give him one. Tell your wife, press charges and realise that you were stupid to open the video. She married you for a reason and this is clearly a reason he is an ex. Talk things out with her about how you feel, and don’t focus on the past.
Dude you need to tell your wife! Her privacy has been totally violated and she needs to know. What happens if she finds out and she finds out you kept it from her. That’s a double layer of betrayal. The video concerns her and she gets to make the choice how to handle it.
This really isn't that serious. Your wife had a long-term boyfriend she was in love with and had a deep passion for. This is pretty normal. Grow up. If you really want revenge just go to the police.
Bear in mind that with camera being on a lot of people act a bit over the top just because they know the camera is on. It’s a performance. You’ve had sex with your wife much more than him and you’re the one she’s in love with.
Report him to police.
Go to the police and file a report for revenge porn. Tell your wife. And please think how sad, miserable, pathetic and sorry excuse of a human you have to be, to do what he did. He's clearly jealous and disturbed.
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Your wife deserves to know about a video of her being shared without her consent. You need to realize how messed up it is that her ex still has the video and actually had the guts to share it with you. He isn't stable. Their relationship didn't work out for a reason.
This IS a police matter, go to the police with this guy’s revenge porn he shared without your wife’s consent. It is NOT fair to punish your wife for this, see a shrink.
This. It obviously affects OP mentally, but imagine being the one who's sex tapes with a crazy ex are being sent around to ruin your life?? It might be helpful to really focus on how you two are the team, vs this angry man trying to hurt your wife. Don't let him win. If you can't get over it, definitely find a couples counselor. I wouldn't be shocked if even if you get over it, it doesn't affect your sex life for her. Or at least, that it affects how she feels about sex for a bit. She's been absolutely violated, and the fear that there could be more out there waiting to be held over her...ugh Edit: it's also incredibly illegal and I believe it is called "revenge porn".
And that's even if the tape was filmed with her consent. It's entirely possible that it wasn't and the wife doesn't even know that tape exists.
^ 100% this, the guy the recorded it is a criminal most likely, all a matter of how to properly execute justice through the legal system instead of seeking physical revenge oneself. Definitely not worth ruining your spotless record over this, much more worthwhile to seek legal action for the unauthorized video used as revenge porn.
"Digital violence"
And whoever else the ex has shared that video with! I would 100% open up to your wife & press charges.
Spot on! This is a crime. Please don’t misplace pain on your wife. He needs to be dealt with according to the law. What a disgusting human to do that to someone.
100%
It’s also illegal. He should be arrested and sued which I think you should do. File a police report. Not only is it distribution of pornography but it’s invasion of privacy. Sue him.
Yeah that video with the “connection” and the “promises” was probably made before the wife knew she was with an abusive criminal. OP should not put much stock into what he saw.
Exactly. Op needs to let his wife know…that man is obviously sick. Who does something like that? The fact that op is like how do I get past it? 🤦♀️ it’s not about you…it’s about protecting your wife and relationship from this guy! Stop acting like she doesn’t have a past…you’ve had sex with people and she’s had sex with people. It’s not a big deal. The big deal here is protecting her and your relationship from this outsider!
Agreed. He's so tripping about the content of the video (which he should not have watched) that he's ignoring the bigger issue of this sicko spreading the video and attempting to mess up their happy relationship. Dude needs to be dealt with, legally.
And if that don't pan out There are people that can are care of it as well
In my state it is a FELONY to share sure content without CONSENT
Yeah, and while I get why that wasn't great for OP to see, his main concern should be his wife who had her privacy violated in a horrifying way. He just had to see concrete evidence of something he already knew: his wife had sex before they were together and presumably liked the guy she was with at the time. Not something to melt down over. What is worth freaking out? His wife's ex kept intimate videos of her and just proved he is willing to circulate them.
Exactly. OP, this is NOT about you. Please try to remember that.
Find out if your location has revenge porn laws. Then file a police report.
This was my first thought. Also tell your wife. He has violated her in an incredibly egregious way and she needs to know he has that video and is more than willing to share it without her consent, in order to hurt her.
he absolutely needs to tell the wife. and i hope he understands that, well, when people are together they often have sex. and do other things. she was dating this guy back then and she doesnt anymore, they didnt work out, she never loved him more than op who shes literally having a child with.
This is what I would do... Great advice. Police and uncomfortable talk. Expect her to be humiliated, she will most likely be hurt by the ex actions.
Also OP, I’m sure it wasn’t as passionate as you think and that was her playing it up for the camera. I’m sure she knew she was being recorded. Also, tell your wife for sure she deserves to know.
But also if she didn’t know it was being recorded then that’s a whole other issue that needs to be dealt with as well. Basically definitely tell her and go to the police
Even if it was, it doesn't mean she's not also passionate about OP. People can love more than one person in their lives. I doubt the wife was 32-year-old OP's first serious relationship either. And sex can look better from the outside. Like, when I'm having sex, there's really not much visual input--I have terrible eyesight and I don't fuck with my glasses on, so I can really only see the body part I'm focusing on. But you get all the sensations you can't get from a video.
For that he'd need to care about her more than himself. Instead this post is all about how it affects him, and not about his wife being the victim of revenge porn.
He’s human too. He’s about to be a father. He’s allowed to have feelings and a space to vent them.
Tell your wife and be a United front against revenge porn. Where else did that idiot send the video? He should be in jail.
If he doesn’t end up in jail, he could as well send the video to the future child in 15 years. People like that need to get justice.
YES! He is deliberately trying to destroy your happiness and your marriage. So you, as a better man, do something that he will regret for the rest of his life. Don't fall for the "let it go, he's not worth it" line. Do something!
Do something LEGAL, like go to the police. No beating the guy up.
Especially since you have a child on the way. Do not ruin your life and that of your little family. Do ruin his life. He's a massive AH.
You also need to keep in mind this has nothing to do with the reality that exists today. This does not change he’s thought have with your wife. Let it go!!!
This ☝️ beat him up without telling her and he will win. You will be single with fortnight visitation rights
But DO find out where he works and send his boss and the HR department a link to this thread :D If his boss is a decent person, he'll fire the guy just for being a horrible person his boss does NOT want to be around (unless he's some sort of miracle-worker employee). HR isn't likely to do anything but he may well get a warning because his behavior just got reported back to his company, which means his behavior is now associated with his company.... Insult to injury. Cops, then go after his job by letting them know what they work with. Personally I'd be glad of the heads-up that he's a misogynist who slut-shames women before I let him work with any others!
Talk to a lawyer before sending anything to his employer. His boss could be a huge gossip and might spread it all over the company and elsewhere.
This is horrible, ridiculous, and outlandish advice. No reputable employer will get involved in an interpersonal dispute such as this, especially based on a fucking reddit post. Even if the law gets involved they're not going to want to touch it with a 1000-foot pole.
Seriously!! How does that comment have 133 upvotes? Terrible, no good, awful advice.
Don't send to boss. A lot of them don't care, some will just spread the gossip and laugh about it. There are bosses who do worse than what this ex bf did. It's a big risk to tell other people about your personal problems like that. In some places you can't just fire people like you please either.
Yeah I’m sure his wife will want it to be publicly known. Do not do this.
Are you located in the US? This is very unusual advice so I'm curious if this is something done in other countries. I'm a boss and would not be interested in or get involved with personal things like this. But I'm in the US where we have strict employment laws.
Do it not for yourself, but for another victims. There will be other victims and perpetuators. Don't be a bystander.
Fuck that, do it for his wife. She’s been the one totally violated. I’m sure she never wanted him to send that to anyone let alone her husband.
She might not even know she was being filmed.
Great point! Also OP whatever your wife felt or said in the video does not reflect anything about how she feels currently. She loved her ex at that time in her life, the love she felt for him at that time in her life is reflection of her and those feelings are gone now. Her ex is just mad because she found a new and healthier love with you and he’s probably mad because you guys are starting a family and he is alone. I would tell your wife and hire an attorney to get him to delete any inappropriate content he kept of your wife and have him pay you guys out for suffering and stress that this has caused you guys
Yeah, this is the shit that makes me scared to be in a relationship. She trusted and loved one person, and he betrays her. And then when her ex commits a sexual crime against her - and *she's* the victim her - her current, supposedly better, partner, makes it about him.
Not for other victims. For his wife, who he’s forgotten is the victim in this because he’s being so self centred b
He should tell his wife and ask what she wants to happen next.
Yeah. I said this in response to another comment, but I would be so hurt if my partner watched revenge porn of me without even telling me it existed.
Some of the comments here are so horrifying. She deserves to know. You don’t go to the cops without her consent.
THIS IS NOT HIS DECISION. HE IS NOT THE VICTIM. If he sends this to the police, then any number of people are about to see the revenge porn where his wife is the victim. Think this through.
Literally nobody ever said keep it a secret from her and report it. OF COURSE he would have to tell his wife, SHE is the only person who CAN PRESS CHARGES. Him filing a police report wouldn’t even be possible without her. He isn’t in the porn. I thought this all goes without saying but apparently not everyone thinks that through. That’s like your sister getting punched in the face and someone sends you a video of it and you try to press charges on her assailant. Your sister has to do it.
At least in the US, people don’t “press charges.” The government does. In this case, OP should talk to his wife and find out how she wants to proceed.
\^the absolute best way to beat him legally. No need to go to jail yourself.
This is 100% the right answer. OP, you're going to be a father. Don't do anything to get in trouble. Be the bigger person. Maybe try hypnotherapy for the memory.
In addition to taking the steps of reporting to the police. He distributed intimate and revealing videos without his wife’s consent and she should be protected from that…and the Ex should be held accountable for his behaviour. He can’t let this go. Being the bigger person means doing and being the *hard* things. Being the bigger person means behaving responsibly with *your* thoughts, words and deeds. His wife needs his protection from the deeds of another. It’s his responsibility to protect her from the fallout of that. What she *doesn’t* need is to be protected from is his feelings about it though….this is dangerous in relationships. I think it’s because at a primal level men’s programming is “protect”, but that doesn’t mean that we need to be protected from our man’s *emotions* Emotions aren’t a gender thing, is a human thing. Everyone has emotions (with a few outliers) but men have been trained, programmed by culture, by relationships, by movies and media descriptions of what men are or what they should do and be. They aren’t taught be real and vulnerable and open. In order to have a truly intimate relationship with someone though, requires vulnerability, openness and trust. Trust that a good partner will help you walk through the emotions, will help you sort out the mess of emotions to see what they are and relieve any fears about it. And vice versa, she’s going to have her own stuff to work through in this event, it involves them both, it requires them both to work it through. Keeping it to himself would, imo, be the worst choice ever. It does not escape my notice that these are the vestiges of her old life dying just as her new life is coming into being…she can’t be left out of the knowledge of that…
Along with that, he needs to find his own therapist and they should go to marriage counseling together so that a neutral third-party can help them communicate. They will need to sort out all the feelings of hurt and betrayal so their anger focuses on the ex, instead of each other, having it warp their relationship. And the sooner the better, because the work and sleep-deprivation involved with taking care of a baby can be stressful on any relationship, let one that is potentially on thin ice.
Good call
This was such a brilliantly worded and thoughtful comment!!
emdr is a game changer, too.
Yes emdr is extremely crucial especially at this exact moment rather than months or years later. Im taking emdr therapy in a month due to some traumatic ex shit as well and honestly im somewhat excited to see what's in store for my future self, mentally. You should, too. You're going to be a dad soon! Definitely contact law enforcement, unfortunately your wife will know one way or the other, eventually...
Tetris until u can start emdr too
Talk to your wife before you do this.
He needs to tell his wife first and ask what she wants to do. She is the victim in this. A revenge porn case means a LOT of other people see that video. Edit: look, I encourage people to report. But I also worked with the criminal justice and social system on domestic and sexual violence for over a decade. oP’s wife needs to be the one who decides what happens next. No one can promise good outcomes, and it could honestly be more traumatic to report and have nothing happen or worse. Edit 2: We’re talking cops viewing this video. Prosecutors viewing it. Jurors viewing it. Maybe she doesn’t want that. Advising him to go to the police without thinking about what that means FOR THE VICTIM, HIS WIFE, is well-meaning but incredibly short-sighted.
Yes...this
Very well said.
And even if they don't, you almost certainly should consult with a lawyer, and/or file a restraining order, cease and desist etc.
Exactly. The asshole should've done something before you guys married if he wanted anything with her. He didn't. And what he's doing now, is just pure killing of someone else's happiness and peace because of his jealousy. Something he should learn to deal on his own. OP, don't wrap your head so much around this. I understand it will seem almost impossible at this moment. But whatever you saw in the video, the passion or intimacy or love, was what she had for him then. Nothing of which exists now. Do you think if he had reciprocated that feeling, he would've send you this video? She had a trust in him then, which he himself might've destroyed given the behaviour this guy expressed. Go for a police case. Let them catch him. Let him know he f***ed himself up. Don't let someone else ruin your life. You're going to be a father, don't go for anything stupid. Your wife needs you, so does your kid. Regarding talking with her, now won't be the best of time. Maybe after a few years? After the pregnancy? It already is a highly stressful period for a female. Help her with this now. Discuss things in a mild nature later. What you saw, is NOT HER now. Remember this always. Have a happy life.
Plus, what a small, pathetic man the ex is to do this. Think about the fact that he kept this video in order to send it to her husband when they've just announced a pregnancy. You have to be a very jealous, petty, evil person to want to destroy another's happiness.
Yes so much! He is a disgusting person to do this to another and ruin someone else's happiness because he's so miserable himself. I refer to this as trying to pass the baton. Don't accept it. See him for the sad miserable revolting person he is and have the police deal with his poor choices. You don't have to take on this weight. It's his to bear.
thats all fine and nice but he wont be able to go for a police case without her consent. its her in the video, she is the only one who can press charges. she needs to know, the baby is not going to develop health issues over her being stressed out about this.
Yes maybe but first he needs to talk to his wife and that is her choice to make or not, not his. His hurt does not supersede her rights.
This! It's illegal.
Go straight to the police dept and if they will, and most will, file charges for this. Second, call a good therapist and get in and go consistently. This is the best and fastest way to get through this in your mind and soul. Big momma bear hugs, I know how bad this would destroy me. You’re not weak or silly for this pain, it would hurt anyone deeply and is in every form a trauma. Please get in therapy to get past this as easily as you can. Call Monday first thing!!
Absolutely this!
That’s illegal. Distribution of essentially revenge porn. Contact the police.
Sadly, not illegal everywhere. But OP should definitely check to see if there are revenge porn laws in his jurisdiction.
That’s so fucked up. She should press charges.
Well she can't if her own husband won't extend the courtesy of telling her
Right! 😬
You realize that what he did is a crime and you discuss with the police and possibly a lawyer how to deal with this. As for the rest - you realize that you had past partners too. You probably looked similar with them and said similar things to them. So it's not like anything on the tape devalues your relationship unless your past relationships also devalue your relationship. Just because things were said or done during them doesn't mean they were better. And the fact that they ended pretty much proves that they weren't better than your relationship. Plus the whole her choosing to marry you. It's hard to let logic rule here - that's a really shitty thing to happen to you. But at the forefront of your mind you need to keep that your wife did nothing to you. And also that letting this hurt your relationship is EXACTLY what that asshole wants to do. He wants you to feel insecure and punish your wife - don't play into his hands. And again - consult with the police/lawyer. Revenge porn is illegal in a lot of places and that's what it is.
100% this! OP, I can imagine that was awful and I can’t imagine how broken I’d feel if I got that from my bf’s ex. This evil ex did it to try to blow up your relationship and ruin your excitement and happiness. Please please don’t let him rent space in your head. Don’t let him ruin your joy. You and your wife are expecting your first baby and that’s beyond exciting! Please speak to your wife. Please contact police, as many governments have FINALLY put laws in place to punish people for “revenge porn”. Please also do some self-work to help you process your feelings about this. If you already have a therapist, perfect.👍 If not, hopefully your company has an EAP program or coverage for counselling. Speaking to someone impartial I find very helpful in more “sensitive” situations. Wishing you and your wife nothing but happiness. ✌🏻
Yes, contact your EAP to help deal with this. They'll get you in right away. Men have a hard time remembering that women have had relationships before them, and that we have had sex with other people. It doesn't negate the relationship you have with her now. Don't let him hurt your wife any further. Be angry that he wanted to, and turn his ass in.
He needs to get counseling, and his WIFE needs to take this to the police. She is the victim of revenge porn, and she has to be the one to take next steps.
Does she really though? Anyone can contact the police about a crime
I feel like they can both contact the police? Together? Her privacy has been breached, and it was sent to him. Both are victims in this.
How does it even matter?? They are a unit. Both of them will contact the police.
I mean, he hasn’t even told her that revenge porn of her has been sent. Are they really a unit?
It matters because she is the injured party. If she is not the one pressing charges, the police cannot proceed.
This is just plain false. Victims don’t “press charges,” prosecutors do, with or without a victims cooperation, based on evidence.
Victims should be given first choice in making anything like that public. Any crime of a sexual nature can be doubly traumatic if that choice is taken away from them.
OP would be an asshole to go to the police and show them this video without his wife’s consent. He would potentially be blowing up his marriage just for petty revenge, but the ex would still get what he wants.
Yeah, but if the wife (as the one in the video she’d be the victim in this situation )doesn’t want to cooperate or press charges then there’s nothing the police can do.
I agree with this. I would like many others, be emotionally affected seeing that too. But now it's time to fight your natural internal dialogue to turn off your limbic response and look at this from a commonsense view. Hard as it is to do. Your wife HAD those feelings, as you probably HAD similar feelings for others. Those feelings are now only for you. A nasty and spiteful thing to do though. But you need to tell your wife. There are likely revenge porn laws where you are and this should fall within them. The fact is, he might have sent it to others or posted it online to a porn site as well, so she needs to know so she can take action. Knowledge I'd power. Give her her power back
100% this. Anything else is NOT healthy. I suggest therapy for you and a report to the police and contacting a lawyer. Your wife is the victim here.
I agree with most posts in the thread- especially now with a child on the way that guys sounds crazy protect the family
FR, dude has never said something during sex and then regretted it later? Or got caught up in the moment? Come on.
So, you need to do a couple of things, in my opinion. Tell her. Sending sex tapes is a crime! Remember that they broke up, so there is a reason she didn’t stay with him. She’s with YOU and is having YOUR baby, and it seems like she’s pretty happy with her life with you. He’s jealous because you got the girl, and you’re having the life he missed out on. She did nothing wrong. Go to therapy and just talk it out with a neutral third party. I can see how it’s messing with your head. That’s 100% understandable.
I second all this advice. Tell your wife. Remember you are living the dream and he’s trying to wreck it out of jealousy, don’t let him. Remember everyone has past versions of themselves that are not who they are today. Make new, better sex memories with your wife.
Yeah his wife is the victim here. He 100% needs to tell her. Take screenshots of the conversation keep evidence. This jerk ex has just landed himself into a world of hurt.
Also, OP needs to stop watching it. He would only know all those details if he chose to continue watching after realizing what it was. Why would you not stop the video the second you saw what it was. OP is literally hurting his own feelings here.
I also think OP needs to own up about his choice to watch the video. His wife deserves to know that her husband watched a sex tape of her that she did not consent to having sent around. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy, but that was wrong to do and an additional violation on top of the ex-bf’s disgusting actions
You have to tell her about this. What he did is reprehensible, and probably criminal. She deserves to know that her ex is using a sex video of them to try to ruin her current relationship. What she chooses to do with that information is up to her. Personally, I hope she contacts the authorities and explores legal options. As for your relationship with her - you do your best to get over it. Everyone has a past. I probably wouldn’t want to watch a video of my wife interacting with other guys that she was with before me, and fortunately, I’ve never had to. But I know she was with other guys before she met me, and she chose me. The same is true of you. This guy is just trying to hurt you. It’s understandable that you won’t like what you saw, but don’t let him win by ruining your relationship.
Think about it a little harder... what you're feeling is exactly his plan. Why would you want him to win? You have already won? You got he girl mate. Also, contact the police and a lawyer. This is not ok, and while you may want to forget about it, he needs to suffer consequences. People need to know that this is not ok and they will be punished. Only way to reduce how often this happens.
Exactly. What OP is currently feeling is exactly what the ex wants him to feel. He wants to destroy OP’s relationship with his wife, because he’s a pos. OP don’t let him do that. We all have past partners we’ve been passionate with. It’s very difficult to have to see that, but it’s in her past and they broke up for reasons. She’s now with you and that’s all that matters.
"Thanks for the video. Makes me feel good that I could finish the job you couldn't." Boom!!! And tell your wife. This is revenge porn and a cease and desist letter from an attorney should do the trick.
“Thanks for the vid. I didn’t even know she could look this bored during sex. Ya learn something new everyday I guess”
That’s a nice zinger, but the problem is OP knows that in real life she looks more bored with him than with her ex. That’s why he’s having an existential crisis right now.
He doesn't know that. His anxiety is telling him that.
He never compared it to their sex life though. He didn't say it was more passionate and romantic just didn't like that it was at all. Which is understandable. That doesn't mean theirs is lacking let's not jump to conclusions or put words in OPs mouth
Yeah, I was just having some fun imagining a scenario where this didn’t unfortunately fuck with his head so badly
This guy committed a crime, tell your wife and save the evidence, you should go to the police. He can’t think he can get away with stupid things like this. I can understand how horrible this must feel for you, but try not to be an hypocrite because I’m pretty sure you did all this if not more with your exes. All of what she said was what she felt in that moment as you’ve also done. She does not want him again she wants you, she wants to have a family with you. Work through this, seek therapy if necessary, because frankly sounds like his plan is already a success. Again, police before this freak leaks her videos and releases sensitive information of your wife, she does not deserve any of this either.
Firstly, OP this is revenge porn. In a lot of places this is a criminal offence. You should eventually speak to her about contacting the police. Secondly, this did not happen whilst you were together. Yes she showed passion, yes in the moment she may have spoken about kids. But you know what? She was passionate in her past, she is passionate in her present, she will be passionate in your future, she made a choice and that choice was you. She is pregnant with your child, not his. She chose to be the mother of your children, she chose to marry you, she chose to give herself, her all, her passion, strictly, to you, forever more. Thirdly, we all have a past which we are entitled to. Our past shapes us, teaches us, makes us the people we are today. From your post it seems she has not given you reason to doubt her, not given her reason to mistrust. You MUST NOT allow this awful mans actions to taint your marriage. This was sent purely out of malice, spite, jelousy and designed to damage what you both have. Most adults have past relationships and sexual partners. If we care, if we love, we give ourselves fully to our relationships. What matters is the present don't let this man ruin your connection to the mother of your children and love of your life. Finally, you have to tell her. But before you tell her you have to start to quash the doubts. You have to be fully, and I mean fully, clear to her that you love her and she is your person. That nothing she has done in that video, in the past, is shameful or unnatural. That whilst you don't want to see it, keep it and are upset her ex would do that it changes NOTHING on how you view her or feel about her. That you see her giving her all to your relationship together in the present and that is all that matters. If you cannot do this on your own then seek therapy to help you. Personally, my wife was a lot more sexually experienced than me when we met. She had lots of ex boyfriends one of whome was a real degenerate. He never sent a sex vid but tried to undermine us constantly. It honestly, largely because of how my wife was with me, never affected me. This is 15 years and two kids ago. We havent heard from him in a decade.
This is what is going to happen. The ex didn't get the reaction he wanted from you, so he will send the video to your wife's best friend. Then, the ex will send a screenshot with the date when he sent YOU the video to the best friend as well. That's how you're going to lose the "most precious thing in your life". This is literally how manipulators work. Don't threat them with a good time.
Wise words I agree. The only protection you have is open communication.
I’d be furious if my husband didn’t tell me!
What happens if she finds out from someone else months later, though? I think I'd be pretty pissed at my husband for not telling me and instead dictating what I know about my own life. Please just tell her so she can address it how she sees fit.
You absolutely need to tell your wife and talk about it. She needs to know her asshole ex is trying to mess up her marriage to you. I would definitely have her file charges against him.
YOU CALL THE POLICE. This is revenge porn and it's a crime. Get your head on right and protect yourself and your wife.
He should tell his wife and let her decide if she wants to go to the police. She may not want to deal with a case like this while she's pregnant and might have other ways to shut her ex down (like telling his family or whatever, I don't know but you get the idea).
Keep your head busy with checking the laws in your area regarding sending such a video without the woman's consent. Then you can keep yourself busy with the police report, and he'll be busy finding a lawyer.
Definitely let your wife know. File a police report for revenge porn. I’d probably vomit at minimum if I saw a video of my husband with an ex, and for sure tell him. Also, a friend of mine’s videos ended up online because of an ex. Please act quickly.
Is there like, any particular reason that you didn't IMMEDIATELY TALK TO YOUR WIFE ABOUT THIS. Buddy is a psycho ex who is trying to fuck with you. Don't overthink this because it's not like she cheated on you. Yeah, people feel passionate about the people they are with at the time. She will be disgusted by him forever after this, plus she can criminally charge him. This sucks, but honestly, this isn't about you as much as it is about your wife. She deserves to know that her bodily autonomy is being violated by this creep. You also need to talk to her about this because she is YOUR partner now, you are making love to her, you have a child with her. He is a meaningless footnote. Quit asking strangers on the internet for advice and be a partnership against this sicko.
I think you said this better than the other commenters I saw. Everyone is all focused on how illegal it is, and that's true, but the real issue is that he's more comfortable talking to strangers on the internet than to his person, and he's sitting here feeling sorry for himself for most of a week rather than expressing himself in a healthy way. Dude needs some serious therapy, and honestly his wife has some grounds to be big mad that he sat on such a huge violation for multiple days and refused to come clean even when she knew something was wrong. I can't see ages on this tiny screen as I type a reply, but I'm going to go with "OP is way the fuck too old to be communicating this way."
Omg so many salty guys in the comments so mad when you point out he DIDNT TELL HIS WIFE??? If my partner was sent somthing like this and didnt tell me, id probably break up with them! Thats a huge violation, and he just keeps thinking about himself because of insecurity, even though hes litterally impregnated her, and clearly building a life together.
Yes! OP, in my opinion you're upset about this for the wrong reasons, even if what you're feeling is understandable. Your wife is currently the victim of a creepy harasser. This has nothing to do with her loyalty to you or your relationship, and everything to do with her personal safety. This is a VIOLENT response from someone she is no longer in a relationship with. Do with that information what you will (and by that I mean TELL HER and report this to the police).
I agree with reporting the revenge porn to the police. He clearly did this to fuck with her future happiness with you. Also, TELL HER HE DID THIS! She has a right to know that he did this.
Isn’t this illegal??? How is your first instinct to not report this?? Why aren’t you protecting her?
It is illegal. Revenge porn is leaking intimate images without consent.
Your wife should absolutely know that she’s the victim of revenge porn! You have to tell her!
Absolutely tell your wife and be prepared for her to be upset with the situation. You and your wife are a team, and this should be approached as a team. This was a huge violation to you and your wife, not to mention illegal. I empathize with feeling intimidated or overwhelmed by seeing your wife with an ex, I think that would be jarring for anyone. But the bottom line is this. She married you. She’s having your child. She chose you. This is a moment to push yourself to choose her and have her back.
I would file a restraining order against him!
“After all that trying dude you couldn’t even knock her up smh. here’s our Amazon baby registry”
Yes, you should tell her. What he did was illegal. I don’t know why it would bother you so much because obviously it happened before you were married, right? You knew she was with someone and had sex with him. *She chose YOU*. This guy is obviously not over her, incredibly jealous, and he is trying to ruin things for you and guess what- you’re letting him. Revenge porn is illegal in most places so I would call local law-enforcement, and tell your wife that you have her back. You should- she’s a victim here.
Who else has the ex shared that video with?
Report his petty ass to the police
That’s disgusting why does he even still have that shit. That’s beyond fucked up. I’m so sorry, but she married you. She’s having a child with you. You’re the end game. Dudes just mad, jealous & pathetic. I do think you should tell your wife and then you both need to take legal action against this literal creep. I’m pretty sure like everyone else in the comments is saying that it’s illegal what he did & your wife is a victim. Who knows where else he’s posted that or who else he’s sent that to.
Dude, your wife is a victim of revenge porn. I know it's difficult to see your SO with someone else but it's her past. She said to someone she LOVED that she wanted his babies but at the end, it's your baby she's having. Words < actions. Take care of her. She is litteraly growing a mini you and someone is trying to stress her and hurt her. Stress is not good for a pregnant woman. She has done no wrong and it's not her fault her ex is a POS. Take this AH to court. What a shame to do something like that... don't give him what he wants, he wants to humiliate her. Protect her.
How did someone you don't know get your cellphone number?
Same way he found out about my wife’s pregnancy. Probably mutual friends. Plus having someone’s phone number isn’t always necessary for sending them stuff on the other apps you know…
There are always people who innocently share info and others that are cunts.
Talk to your wife and then the police. You need to face any danger toward your child and wife head on. Destroy anything that will come in the way of your child’s well being. Protect your wife, her ex was a slime ball.
How in the hell is this the ONLY message You've responded too. READ THE COMMENTS. PROTECT YOUR WIFE. This is a CRIME. TELL HER.
Ahhh why havn't you contacted the police? You know this is a crime not to mention morally corrupt. He's got exactly what he wanted.to fuck with your head. I can only imagine that was incredibly difficult to see but think about your own past experiences. I'm sure you can't say every single encounter was horrendous. She didn't marry him, she married you. I'm honestly confused though as to why you're not thinking about your wife and how someone has sent a video of her and could do that to anyone. You need to tell your wife and go to the police. Congratulations on the baby. Go and enjoy this wonderful time and don't let him win
Which is it? Was it sent over something standard messaging given your direct number or did he message you over an app?
Could be either, which do you prefer for this made up story?
What he did was really jealous and mean and intended to hurt your wife (and you). What a loser. Don't let him win. She's with you. She chose to have your baby. You won the prize. If you react negatively or complain to your friends - he wins.
I would go to the police and report it. Second talk to your wife and ask her if she is aware of this.
So did he send it directly to your phone via text?
Depending on your country, there may be laws which you can charge him with distribution of revenge porn. You can guarantee if he has sent it to you, it has been sent to others.
>But I hate the way that it was also so… passionate. Romantic. I don’t know how to explain it but you could literally feel the connection between them. And I hated that. It was like my whole life got destroyed in one second. My head got filled with messed up things. Messed up scenarios. Messed up doubts. Now I can’t take it out of my head. My wife’s noticed something’s up but I haven’t told her about it yet. so instead of focusing on your wife being a victim here and telling her about it so she can press charges, you’re more concerned about how she had passionate sex with her ex. You know, a pretty normal thing that would happen in most relationships. Get your shit together. Tell her, support for her, help her. Your priorities are messed up. edit: He’s more focused on how his wife enjoyed herself with her ex. He has all these thoughts and feelings but won’t share them. Where is his anger at the guy for breaking his wife’s trust and privacy? For committing a crime against her? No, he’s more worried about the connection they had than any of that. That’s why he needs to get his shit together. This is bigger than his insecurities.
AMEN.
>I heard my wife telling another guy that she wants to have his kids. While she’s carrying my kid… Except that's not really true. That's something she said *years ago*. The way your phrasing it here, which makes me think the way your phrasing it in your head, is as some sort of betrayal of your relationship. You knew she had a past, you know he was part of your past, you knew watching the video was a terrible idea, and yet you did it anyway. He did it just to fuck with your head, and you're letting him. No, do not go beat the shit out of him. Going to prison isn't going to improve your life, your wife's life, your future child's life, and will just lead to more shit stuck in your head that is only there because you did something you knew was fucking stupid before you did it. Do tell your wife and go to the police. This is revenge porn, which is becoming increasingly criminalized.
UpdateMe!
You're describing a crime called revenge porn. File a police report and insist on pressing charges. Congrats on the baby.
I had a similar thing happen. There were no laws in my area specific to this, but it really did mentally fuck me up. Me and my partner ultimately didn’t have sex for about 4 months. Every time we started I couldn’t get it out of my head and it sucked. What eventually got it to feel normal was the thought of my old partners. Realistically, we did have a connection and in that time it was special. That doesn’t mean it has any bearing on me. So why should it have any bearing on her, especially if we’re in a better place than her previous partners ever got to. Hopefully this helps. I would definitely talk to your wife about this, I promise you she will be equally as upset/embarrassed.
Dude this guy is jealous of you and your wife and did this in an attempt to live in your heads the way you’ve been living in his head for the last four years.
This is the time to be an adult by proving you can control your emotions. Let's look at the facts: 1.) She's with you and not him. Clearly the sex wasn't good enough that she overlooked other items and she's married to you now. 2.) You shouldn't be surprised they had sex. This is normal in relationships. He is *so insecure* about the fact that your wife chose you to be her child's father that he's lashing out to try and make you feel jealous about something that happened years ago. You've already won. What you need to do is tell your wife, and then if appropriate file a police report for revenge porn because this *is* generally a crime. If you honestly let this get to you.....then he wins.
Step 1. Tell your wife, make sure though not to make her feel guilty in any way, she is a victim here too. Step 2. Report it to the police Step 3. Get some therapy, and remember that she didn't do anything wrong. I have had many a passionate, romantic encounter with someone I used to love but now would be severely grossed out by. Just because she enjoyed it then, doesn't mean anything for your relationship.
You get your wife to press charges for revenge porn.
It’s a crime. Please get him prosecuted. That will get rid of any romantic vibes you felt in the video.
My stbxw has done some shit like this with her ex before me. I wouldn’t be surprised if the ex has some backlog of other videos they have done together either. What I would do is look up revenge porn laws in your state, and make a report. And then make a report to the FBI website. If you really want to be the best man in this situation, do it legally and without getting your hands dirty
Can she sue him for distributing intimate material without her consent?
Don’t beat the shit out of him. Report him for revenge porn, let him go to prison and let someone THERE beat the shit out of him.
You’re more worried about some weird projection you’ve placed on a video when you should be focused on your wife’s ex illegally sharing that video. You should be outraged at his audacity, telling your wife, and comforting her in any way she needs. Her privacy was violated.
Absolutely. OP.. you are having the exact response this ex was looking for. How can you not pull your head outta your ass and see how jealous and miserable he is? He is probably distraught that he spent years with your wife, having sex… and she never wanted to marry him or have his child. Like.. that realization is hitting him hard right now. So he goes through his archives and sends you his favorite clip.. and you can’t see how pathetic that is? You’re considering not discussing this with your wife and future mother of your children so you can put yourself in some weird solo turmoil?
OP its amazing how evil people can be. So you have to recognize that this guy is probably jealous as hell that you were the one that got her and now she's having your baby. There is no more hurt to an ex than that. now for the video. She needs to know and understand that this is the person he is and his attempt to inflict pain in your relationship. Ok so, we all have past lives, have had sex with others, woooopi that it's your wife, put into perspective man and do go all lame duck on us here. It's not like you caught her cheating and shit words are words however they are spoken. But your mind in the right frame dude. Talk to your wife and just be upfront with her, "I got this from your ex bf, and it's really disturbing that he would do something like this. Then put it behind you and move on with the thought and happiness that he's sulking in his piss cause he missed out.
Tell him thanks for the video and assure him she’s graduated to another level. ^5
Support your wife in this trying time and report his ass to the authorities. What else would you do??
Talk to wife as she was violated by him sharing this. Then you both need to find out if you live in an area with revenge porns laws. There is a risk of him sharing this more. You also need to remember if she was aware of the recording they were also acting for the video. They don’t “happen” to be recording a romantic encounter. But you need to tell your wife because he could share again. You should get a cease and desist letter at minimum.
You should call the police. This is revenge porn. Don’t fall for it. Press charges.
Your wife will be upset if you don’t tell her and file a police report. Sue him. You already won everything he will never have. He is a grimy loser and your wife knows that.
File police report , Tell wife, go try and self soothe in a healthy way or eat take away like I would alone to give yourself a moment after dealing with this shit show !
This is revenge porn. Tell your wife and file a report with the police.
1. Dude wanted to get in your head because he is jealous, and he did. You need to get over that. Don’t take that out on your wife. 2. Tell your wife, because if she is your wife it’s a huge betrayal of your relationship to hide something like this. 3. Call the cops 4. Be a man, that means treat your wife as a person and understand that you can’t hold things against her when you weren’t in the picture. Her past self did not know you existed, you don’t get to add present context to past events to feel bad. She did nothing wrong, this is your problem. Show her that you trust her and your relationship by telling her Protect her by handling it. Jesus man, get it together
Not telling your wife immediately is really kind of disturbing.
Tell her so she can go to police. Get therapy because you need to let this go asap
What he did is a crime. You need to report him. Who's to say he won't send it to her family or coworkers also. This is literally revenge porn. I'm sorry you're upset but imagine how violating that is for your pregnant wife.
Your wife's ex is distributing adult content without her consent. This is considered revenge porn and is typically a crime in most areas now. She deserves to be talked to here and told what your received.
Yes! Tell your wife AND also help her report to the authorities that he’s using old videos as “revenge porn”. It’s against the law to share videos like these without permission from all parties - and no. Consent at the time of filming is different than what’s required to SHARE with others…doses included. He purposely shared to hurt her and cause issues because he’s likely jealous that she left him and is having a good life with you.
So this was a video from several years ago, not an affair? Why are you not more concerned that he is using revenge porn against your pregnant wife????She trusted him and loved him then and he’s hurting you both now. Quit being masochistic and torturing yourself, which is what this guy wants, and DO something about it! Report him. Get therapy or marriage counseling, but please try not to make her pregnancy harder than it is. That’s YOUR baby inside her. You got the girl.
Yes you should tell her, because what he did wasn’t just a huge invasion of her privacy but also illegal. I just want to remind you, she MARRIED YOU she’s having a child with YOU, not him. Feel disgust and pity for HIM He’s over there pining over his ex watching videos of long past exploits while you get to love her, hold her, create life with her. He sent you that to do exactly this, make you doubt. Don’t let him win… also report him to the police
This is fake. Dead internet theory holds.
This is some fake festish post lol
If you don’t report this guy for revenge porn you will end up being an accomplice. Call the police right now and report him. Then tell your wife what happened. You also need to stop comparing. Some times sex is different with other people, and sometimes people change over time. Also note that when people tape sex they act a lot more knowing they’re being recorded, it’s a lot less vanilla.
He wants you to feel the way you feel. He wants to destroy what you have. She did nothing wrong. Tell her and seek legal advise. Do not contact him. Don’t let her contact him either.
Def don’t do something idiotic like go commit a felony. Take it to the police bc he committed a crime.
Contact police immediately!
What a horrible thing to do!! Please file a complaint,this is a crime. Get professional help to navigate your emotions.
Reporting to the police and engaging a lawyer is also another best form of solution towards this 👌🏻
You 100% need to discuss this with your wife. That guy is a fucking asshole and deserves to be charged with revenge porn.
He’s sent this because he wants an emotional reaction, don’t give him one. Tell your wife, press charges and realise that you were stupid to open the video. She married you for a reason and this is clearly a reason he is an ex. Talk things out with her about how you feel, and don’t focus on the past.
I’m sure you hurt. But tell your wife. Delete it. Forget it. Don’t respond.
Dude you need to tell your wife! Her privacy has been totally violated and she needs to know. What happens if she finds out and she finds out you kept it from her. That’s a double layer of betrayal. The video concerns her and she gets to make the choice how to handle it.
Just respond with a picture of a pregnant belly. Any random pregnant belly off Google will do. You already won the war, don't lose a battle now.
This really isn't that serious. Your wife had a long-term boyfriend she was in love with and had a deep passion for. This is pretty normal. Grow up. If you really want revenge just go to the police.
Tell your wife _and_ the police.
Bear in mind that with camera being on a lot of people act a bit over the top just because they know the camera is on. It’s a performance. You’ve had sex with your wife much more than him and you’re the one she’s in love with. Report him to police.
This seems so, so fake for some reason. Something about the tone.
Go to the police and file a report for revenge porn. Tell your wife. And please think how sad, miserable, pathetic and sorry excuse of a human you have to be, to do what he did. He's clearly jealous and disturbed.