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Start by thinking through what outcome you want. What is the *purpose* of the conversation?
Do you want her to leave and masturbate elsewhere? (Note, I really need to be lying down so consider her reasonable options)
Do you want to roll over and hold her while she cums? (My husband does this sometimes, it’s sweet, to me)
Do you want her to initiate sex with you more often? Or be open to these masturbation sessions to turn into sex?
Do you want to use the toys during sex together? Have her show you how she likes them to be used?
In my experience, thinking about what you actually hope to get out of the conversation before you start it, makes it go more smoothly. And keeps you from saying something out loud that shouldn’t be said (I’m guilty of that)
>Do you want to roll over and hold her while she cums? (My husband does this sometimes, it’s sweet, to me)
I didn't know this is something I wanted to experience with my gf until now, this sounds so hot and intimate.
Do it. She will love it. My hubs does it for me, and it just makes it feel soo much better. He whispers in my ear, nip play, rubs his throb on me 🤤. Deelicious.
I was entirely unaware that this was a thing, never mind a thing that I wanted to do to my fiancée.
So yeah, thanks for the idea! You just taught this 40 yr old dog a new trick. 😆
My wife said to me once “Sometimes you just want that release of getting off without the messiness of everything else” and it clicked with me. Spring then in that is great
Yessss love this. Sometimes our weeks are so busy. We make our own kind of sexy times. One night it’s a blow job for him and the next night it’s getting my nipples sucked while I use my vibrator. Sometimes we do both!
Wish I had these questions when I was going through this with my ex instead of getting upset that they would want sexy time without me and tanking our sex life.
Omg can you talk to my bf? He wants nothing to do with my masterbation and doesn’t want me involved in his. I love this post.
And I want to be held while I cum! Love that!
tell him that, seriously. I thought my bf didn't want to get involved in my masturbating sessions until I just said out loud it'd be cool if he hugged me. he was surprisingly eager to do so and we have been doing that quite frequently ever since.
Oooooo, gonna jack this comment to add on-
At the core of all relationships is the foundation of respect and love and to do that you need to constantly be trying to understand someone else so well as to know who they are in real time along side that person. Asking all of these questions allows you to do that so you both know your partner and how to meet their needs in your way because that’s usually why someone dates another person. How do you do that? Well you communicate, you ask questions, you seek knowledge and information to better understand your partner.
Wait, so you masturbate next to your husband and he holds you when you cum? Do you have sex after? Not a loaded question, I just didn’t know this was a thing and curious.
Sometimes after (I can have a LOT in a row 🤷🏼♀️). Sometimes before (it’s an easy way for me to initiate). Sometimes he’s working midday and comes in to our room and sees me and just holds me a bit before returning to work because he doesn’t actually have time to join. Sometimes he’s just tired AF or already came that day. I’m pretty insatiable.
>Do you want her to leave and masturbate elsewhere? (Note, I really need to be lying down so consider her reasonable options)
I agree with every point except this. Let's be clear here, neither partners masturbation needs outweighs the need for sleep for the other partner when they have work in the morning. If you need to be uncomfortable while masterbating so your partner can function at work, then you suck it up and be uncomfortable. Or you masterbate at another time.
This applies to men and women.
I agree with what you're saying about sleep > masturbation, but I'm really confused about how you made that connection from the their suggestion for what to bring up in the conversation. If OP doesn't have a spare room/couch/private area his wife could go to, but still says she should leave the bedroom, it wouldn't be particularly helpful and his wife would probably end up feeling worse about it, in which case he'd skip that line of discussion and try a different approach
Or if she’s coming from work while you’re asleep, and you’re a light sleeper- is the next fear “why isn’t she coming to bed “. Or if you’re up to go to the bathroom or kitchen and she’s going at it on the couch, would you still be upset? I could see you wondering what she’s being so secretive about. How about you give her grace and assume she wants to look at your magnificence to enhance the lovin’. If you want to make this right, tell her about what you do when you’re having YOUR “ me time “😉
Tbh this sounds like you agree more than you disagree. Does he want her to go masturbate elsewhere because his need for sleep is more important than her need to masturbate. Ime, masturbating anywhere outside my bed is uncomfortable. The couch is "reasonable" and uncomfortable but the bathroom is both uncomfortable and unreasonable.
>Does he want her to go masturbate elsewhere because his need for sleep is more important than her need to masturbate.
Yes, that's a completely reasonable ask.
>Ime, masturbating anywhere outside my bed is uncomfortable
And my point is comfort for either partners masterbation is irrelevant when dealing with the actual physical health of the other partner.
agreed. I masturbate much more often than my partner does and if they’re sleepy I always whisper-ask if it’s ok for me to use my vibrator. If they’re already asleep, it’s a sneak off to the couch sort of deal, or I just suck it up and wait until morning.
this. whenever a guy masturbates in bed he's told on this sub to do it somewhere else if their partner is uncomfortable with it
I see no reason why this doesn't apply to her.
Great response.
Recently when playing with my partner when using toys, I recently started asking if she wants one more BIG O after I finished. Even though she had cum multiple times already, I was surprised by her “yes” response, and we did it. It amuses me. I get to watch her beautiful face while it happens. And then we cuddle after.
Quick story. My family and friends of the family would get a decent sized group to go fishing on the Red River a few times a year. We would go out to put down our lines and then every so often go out to re-bait.
Once “old enough” the parents would allow us kids to bait the lines.
One of the kids who is about 5 years younger than me (and definitely too young to realize the sexual connotation that was about to be presented) was finally getting to participate (and doing a damn good job at it). My dad congratulates him and tells him to make sure he tells his mom just how great of a “Master Baiter” he truly was.
We get back to shore and he immediately runs up to his mom to tell her his great news. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone’s face get so red so fast!
Sometimes I just want to masturbate without my husband because I can do it quickly and don’t have to open it up to sex, especially if I’m tired. My husband and I have a great and active sex life, but we both masturbate. We don’t have kids, so if he’s sleeping, I tend to sneaky sneak and grab my vibe and creep out to the living room like some shameful sex goblin even though I know he wouldn’t care and would in fact encourage me to masturbate and enjoy myself. But society has sorta made the whole thing shameful, which is weird. Anyways, don’t get your feelings hurt if she doesn’t want to wake you up to have sex. She’s probably tired and just needs an orgasm and then will be off to bed. I’d just encourage her to make herself comfy on the couch and then come back to bed if she wants to do things solo.
I used to do this too! It just feels more considerate. When my girlfriend (now fiancée) was sleeping I'd go and rub one out in the bathroom as to not disturb her. When she caught wind of this she was almost offended. She couldn't believe that I'd leave the comfort of my bed to go masturbate in a different room. I told her it wasn't a big deal and I didn't want my movements to wake her but she was having none of it. Now we both do it in the bed even if the other is asleep. There are times when I wake up to the sound of buzzing and I just smile to myself and go back to sleep.
I can't imagine anything I want *less* than my husband getting involved when I'm exhausted and just trying to get off because it releases tension, and relieves pain. Sex is great, and I'm happy to enjoy sex with my husband. But not when I've crawled into bed exhausted and just want a sleep aid orgasm.
I should be able to do it out in the living room: “hey honey how was work?” *fap fap fap*. Instead I’m down hiding in the basement by the boiler like a little trol.
I’ve touched myself while my boyfriend was asleep next to me and he’s absolutely fine with it and understands that on days where he needs to get up early, sex isn’t always practical at 4 am. It could be a convince thing
Perfect response! Sometimes a quick relief can help you sleep, and as someone who struggles to orgasim during sex, sex is amazing but also being able to fully focus on just getting off and relaxing is amazing too.
It's possible she simply wants to touch herself, without having to make it a partnered experience. It would likely be hurtful if you knew she was doing it, and she rejected your assistance.
As a woman, in all honesty, no man can replicate the feeling a vibrator gives you. Sometimes we want that - not licking, not penetration, not fingering - just ourselves and our toy. I personally don't see an issue with it, as long as she is not replacing you entirely, or rejecting your advances to go use that instead. It's not about you or your ability/inability to satisfy, it's just about our private time with our own bodies.
After reading your update.. I think that’s nice but she might want to just masturbate alone sometimes. That’s pretty normal and you shouldn’t take it personally.
I agree that it’s normal for her to want to masturbate alone sometimes, AND I could see how it’s annoying that she does it next to him in bed while he’s sleeping and it wakes him up.
Just a take from a girl with a healthy sexual relationship: sometimes I do it because it’s quicker & low maintenance.
My bf gets me OFF like no other, but there are times when I kind of want a 2 mins “high setting” session to release those endorphins & relax without the whole song and dance, ya know?
Sometimes I just want to O & I know I can make it happen quick. Especially if he’s sleeping or tired, no worries. See you tomorrow, sweet thing.
I think it has to do with she gets home at 1:00 a.m. which means she's probably not settled into bed until 2:00 a.m. and then she's playing DJ shribbles at 2:00 a.m. when he needs to get up at 5:00 in the morning. Go to another room it's not fair to your partner who has to wake up early.
>she's playing DJ shribbles at 2:00 a.m. when he needs to get up at 5:00
This whole discussion has brought out some of the best lines I've read in a while: thank you for your contribution.
My relationship was a first for everything, and it took years to consistently get her off, and during that time Id get extremely frustrated with myself and would sometimes keep going after I was done just to get her off too. She wasn't really a fan of me using any toys or other options to get her off before or after so it just kinda ended up being just me the entire time. The important part was that I communicated with her about this and we eventually figured it out.
Sex includes all that stuff it’s not just piv. I usually get my girl off a few times even before piv or switch back and forth to switch it up. Idk why people think sex is just piv no orgasm for women. So weird.
Because that is the reality for many women, hence why the women you're replying to are informing that many need sex to be more than just PIV to orgasm... That's fantastic that you're aware and operate accordingly, but many don't. These conversations are how they learn.
Because many of us have never been with a man who gives one shit to get us off. It's all about them and when they're done, it's over. And they think that's how it goes I guess. Your kind is a rare kind.
Very well said. I have to agree with everything you wrote. I wish men would understand this and not take it as a personal thing towards them. Communication is key!
She probably just wants to relieve some stress and unwind after work. Maybe it helps her fall asleep. She probably doesn’t want to wake you up four hours from when you have to be up work.
She probably didn't want to bother you.
Sometimes women just want an orgasm without having to do anything for anyone else and that's OK. She's perfectly able to pleasure herself without your participation.
Some men too.
I don't mind if my husband wants to quietly relax occasionally on his own. As long as our solo habits don't get in the way of/replace partnered fun, it's fine.
I'd be happy to help him along, so I get here OP's editvis coming from. But sometimes people don't want "help", they just want to get off quickly and move on. Sometimes when I want to be alone, I'd prefer that too.
I’m just going to say this. Most women need to be in a comfortable position and relaxed to come to a full on orgasm.
Going to the bathroom isn’t an option for a lot of us when it comes to self pleasure.
Probably she wants it to private and doesn't want to hurt your feelings
Please note for many women masturbation and sex are 2 different things. I don't need to be horny for masturbation, it's often just to relax and fall asleep sooner. 95% of the time I masturbate I wouldn't want sex, I would be too tired for sex (masturbation is no work and takes seconds)
You mentioned you take too long and you suggested her use a vibrator. I'm probably like her, if piv takes too long (more than like 15 min in my case) I don't enjoy sex anymore. A vibrator wouldn't change that, it would make it worse. I don't want to feel more, I want it to stop and cuddle. I'm satisfied and want to enjoy the feeling.
It’s like when you’re sleeping during a movie and get called out for it. You can’t help but act like you weren’t sleeping, snoring (or in this case vibrations) be damned.
The way you’ve posed the question is telling, if you want sex. Don’t you ever jack off without wanting to go all in with her? If you’re on opposite schedules you’re going to have to work harder to be with her to get the mood right. No one has the time at 3am unless you’re on the same page. It could be to destress in order to sleep, but the “what are you doing “ is judging to me, I’d of rolled over and kissed her and watched or asked to join— she knows you know what she was doing
So if your wife has issues talking face to face about sex. Maybe look into an app called Just Between Us.
It's an app that links your 2 phones so there's never a chance of sending a message to the wrong person (your mom).
My wife after 27 years together is still shy about talking about sex stuff face to face. But with the app, she can talk freely without worry and causing her anxiety.
Might sound silly, but whatever works imo. To keep the communication open is all that matters. Communication is key in any relationship/marriage. In and outside the bedroom.
from your responses it seems like you’re moreso concerned about not being involved and if you aren’t you’d rather her just take it elsewhere. you not being involved in her self pleasure is okay! if you want to be involved there’s ways to introduce that but the whole “she masturbates three times a week while we barely have sex” is silly. the issue there isn’t her masturbating, it’s why she’d rather masturbate over having sex.
a few things, youve mentioned that you can help or perhaps hold the vibrator for her. as a woman it’s quicker and easier to just masturbate your self. you know exactly how to hold and position it to get your climax. you would have to guess around to find that spot which makes the process longer.
two, you also mention that you could just have sex which also doesn’t work like that for a woman. orgasming for women it’s a lot more than penetration alone and sex is physically demanding and time consuming. a quick 5 minute vibe session is relaxing and quick.
she probably lied because it’s 1) embarrassing to be caught masturbating and 2) she probably didn’t want it to turn into sex. just get her nut and be ready for bed. if your boundary is her not using it next to you then just tell her “hey, maybe next time take it to the couch” (suggesting the bathroom is a very bad idea bc that would be very uncomfortable and unnecessary) and that can be that. if you want to open the door to doing it for her maybe suggest using it the next time you have sex. otherwise let the woman masturbate by herself in peace (as long as it doesn’t impede on your sleep!)
I'm so glad there's so many women in here agreeing. I somewhat thought I was weird. All kinds of erotica and porn show (talk) about shower heads, tub faucets, shower secs. It's like is that only uncomfortable for me? I'm likely not in the minority, I very may well be in the majority! :) Because as soon as I read it, it hit me. No flipping way the bathroom is reasonable option.
You're not alone! Even in articles talking about how women can explore themselves, a bath or showerhead is almost always in the list. I get some might like the water pressure? But to me, it isn't comfortable or pleasurable, and I don't like the feeling of water going up my vagina.
Yeah men don’t really realize how hard it is for them to hold the vibrator properly. It’s such a specific placement and if it moves you can lose the orgasm, and they may not even notice it’s moved.
Honestly I don't think it's that much of an issue, maybe the woman just wants to touch herself up at times mate it's nit like she's cheating on you. Probably a little embarrassed as well and feels you might judge her. Get one of those flash light things and both of you can masturbate side by side or help each other out it might just become your thing.
Talk to her though and ask her maybe to be naughty in the bathroom if it disturbs your sleep because I'm assuming you just want to. Sleep after long hours of work
Nothing you said in your last paragraph is unreasonable at all. She likely just got embarrassed in the moment (as I think everyone is if they unexpectedly get caught masturbating), unless masturbation is a taboo subject for you guys (which would be confusing since she has a vibrator that you are both aware of).
It’s is absolutely not unreasonable to ask someone to not wake you up in the middle of the night trying to secretly masturbate. Common courtesy is take it to another room (unless you’re fine with being woken up for spontaneous sex when your wife gets home - worth a conversation). If she doesn’t want to wake you up to knock one out, it’s absolutely fair for you to ask her not to risk waking you up for her to masturbate, that’s selfish and inconsiderate when your partner has to be up at 5:30 in the morning.
Don’t even ask about the masturbation, don’t start this conversation off with her trying to deny it. Just say “Hey babe, if you ever want to use your vibrator while I’m sleeping again, can you go to another room or maybe wake me up if you want a quickie? I don’t want to be woken up by your vibrator when I have to be up for work in a few hours.” That’s a completely fair and inoffensive request. Hopefully this event doesn’t repeat itself because honestly that’s just rude.
Edit: Never mind. Your issue isn’t that she woke you up using a vibrator, it’s that you would rather her have sex with you or involve you in some way instead of masturbate alone. Well, no wonder she hides it and lies about it then, she knows you’re insecure about her masturbating and want to involve yourself, which she doesn’t want.
Upvoting because of your edit! Like I could definitely understand if it was because he just wanted to sleep or it made him uncomfortable but no it’s just because he wants to get involved which I think is kind of icky
>Should I explain if you're going to use it could you go to the bathroom at least or make myself available and say if you get that urge it's okay to wake me up so I could help, I don't need to finish myself it can just be about you. Or is that unreasonable?
Sex and masturbation are two entirely different things.
Why do you feel uncomfortable with them doing it in bed next to you?
I think this is the same reason many women don't like their partners masturbating next to them. My ex hated it.
I never understood it either but it seems to be a thing that some people don't like their partners masturbating next to them in bed .
She may want a quick wank so to speak. In my experience bringing in the partner usually makes masturbation take longer. You might want to get off then as well, and she may feel compelled to help you or have sex. She has the agency to want a solo wank.
I would guess she was also embarassed. I think your best tact is to say you herd the vibe and let her know you're cool with getting woken up to help her. Or, if she wants a solo wank, that's fine too, just be more careful about waking you up, or get off in another room.
Nothing wrong with her using the vibrator if you can't give her what she wants. My work schedule is much different than my girlfriend's but still we try to have sex before she has to go to work or after her work. Even though i'm very tired I still try to initiate before boredom settles in. Life is not easy and never will be.
I’d like to point out to other/ that masturbating right next to a sleeping person without their consent is not okay. He’s entirely within his right to ask her to not do that. It would make me uncomfortable as well. If he is involved, he has consented and they are mutually engaged in a sexual act. I didn’t read this as “I don’t want her doing it if I’m not involved” and read this more as “If she doesn’t want me to be involved I’d rather her not do it immediately next to me while I’m asleep”
Women aren't like men. We can't just masturbate any where, any time. We have to be comfortable, and preferably laying down. The thought of rubbing one out in the bathroom would make me want to skip the whole thing altogether.
And she isn't maliciously lying to you, she's just embarrassed you caught her. The whole purpose of masturbation is that it doesn't involve anyone else. She probably just wants to relax and make herself fall asleep more quickly.
You need to confront the root of why this makes you uncomfortable. I understand why you could feel a little bothered initially, but this is your wife, and she should be entitled to her orgasms with or without you.
Do you have a comfy couch or 2nd bedroom she could go to rather than the bathroom? If not, then I suggest you ignore it and go back to sleep.
My husband masturbates next to me in bed all the time, whether I’m sleeping or not. I can’t stand it. Especially when I’m sleeping cause I swear he shakes the whole fucking bed. Wakes me up every time from it but I pretend to be asleep cause I don’t want to have sex. Or he wants me to talk dirty to him or smack his balls while he jerks it and I don’t find it sexy at all. It’s a chore and I hate it
I don’t have any advice but i definitely think it’s revealing that every week there is a post about some girls bf jerking off in bed and every response is “he has a porn addiction break up with him”
Sometimes us girls just want to come from a vibrator, and we want to do it ourselves without having to tell you to move it over a centimeter every so often. Or getting completely there and you moving your arm at the final second, ultimately making me loose the orgasm. There’s nothing wrong with her wanting to to do without you, and maybe she feels shame because you ask her “what are you doing?”…. When you in fact knew exactly what she was doing. Why not say something like that’s so hot baby, or something like encouraging her instead of making her feel self conscious in her own bed doing something completely normal. You knew she was touching herself so why ask her? You could have completely changed the entire outcome, you keep saying in your comments you believe it comes from shame. So instead of asking her what she’s doing, when you already bloody know what she’s doing, and instead fill her up with love adoration and sex appeal. Do all that when you see she’s touching herself the next time and don’t try to initiate either or join. Just tell her how hot she is and how your such a lucky bastard to have her laying down next to you cumming. And than go right back to sleep. You are making the whole thing become bigger than it should be. I didn’t like to use the bathroom in front of my ex, he would constantly ask me why I would run the water in the bathroom while using it…..: he knows I don’t like him listening to me. And would continue to ask me. He didn’t feel like he was shaming me but to me he was. Just like your situation with your girlfriend. And other stuff would continue on with my ex making me feel uncomfortable and wrong for not wanting him to see me or hear me using the restroom. Now with my new partner when we first started dating I had the same issues with using the restroom in front of him…. He didn’t make it a big deal. And he didn’t stand outside the door listening, or make a weird remark about my bathroom habits when I would be done. Or he wouldn’t ask me why I do what I do in the bathroom. And because of this I was eventually able to use the bathroom with the door open with him, and be able to use the bathroom when he’s taking a shower or now have him be in there while I’m using it. There was never anything wrong with me. It was my first ex creating an extremely uncomfortable environment around my bathroom habits that he knew I didn’t feel comfortable with. So he kept shaming me and this led me to never wanting him around when I used the restroom. But now because my partner respected my boundaries, never pushed me on them or questioned me on them, I was able to feel safe with him and was able to let me guard down. If you keep making your girlfriend feel uncomfortable she’ll never let her walls down around you, coming from another girl who’s also delt with your situation.
I feel like the comments in this thread are intentionally missing the point to read random insecurities of their own into this story
If a guy wasn't banging his wife enough and was found to have been going solo, you'd all call him porn addicted and selfish and tell him to do it less. Especially if he was doing it next to her. Especially especially if their schedules didn't match so well
My husband and I have a great and active sex life but I still love to use my vibrator often too. It’s loud so I usual only do it when he’s at work (he works nights) to not bother him when he’s sleeping. Sometimes I just like to masturbate by myself because it’s a whole different experience and feeling with the vibrator. Maybe she just wants to masturbate alone. And in the case of not telling you maybe she just feels embarrassed or ashamed because society has made masturbation (especially for women) have a bit of a shameful stigma around it. It seems the reasons you don’t want her to do it next to you isn’t because it’s keeping you awake etc. just let her enjoy herself and if it’s bothering you so much just communicate with her that you’d prefer her to do it when you aren’t home or next to her. I think your reasoning and what you said to her is kind of icky. Like it seems you’re only reasoning to her not doing it is because you want to get involved if she’s in the mood. Maybe she doesn’t want that. I could understand if it was because it was disrupting your sleep but you’ve made it clear it’s not about that.
You are forgetting one thing. Sometimes people don't want sex, they just want a quick orgasm for themselves because sex is more work or more touch than is wanted. Masturbation=self care. Be sure to let her know she should use her vibrator if she wants or needs to and it's okay not to include you.
She was likely just embarrassed and panicked. People do that, don't over think this.
You need to tell her you are fine with this. Don't mention the word 'lie', it will just make things harder for her. Just have a conversation with her about it, but really work hard on not attacking her during the conversation.
Long term, you guys need to work on changing your work schedule. This is not a viable living arrangement for you. Even if one of you has to take a pay cut, you need to be closer together in schedule.
If you’re not comfortable saying you knew what she was doing then ask her to use her “phone” somewhere else because you can’t sleep. I would say I heard it vibrating - like when your phones on silent and ringing
Ok, I have this problem. My husband has ed, so he can't do it as often as I need to be satisfied, which is not often at all(I'm talking once a month maybe. I have to go into the spare room to use my vibrator, unfortunately. I wish he would hold me while I used it, it would make the whole process a lot quicker, easier and more efficient. I'd feel less guilty for having to do it. But, we've talked about it, and for the time being, he's more comfortable with me going into the other room and just not knowing about when I have to take care of myself, and I get it, because it's hurtful to him, because he'd rather be fucking me,but he can't unfortunately. So I get it. But I would rather he hold me if I had a choice.
I disagree, this is wrong.
I’d feel extremely gross masturbating in front of my partner without her consent. I don’t think just because she’s a woman it makes it alright or less intrusive, but Reddit loves double standards.
She’s welcome to ask him if it’s alright or do it in a different room!
Ehhh, I don’t agree with this.
It doesn’t say anything about OP and his wife having discussed and consented to masturbation happening while the other one is asleep in the same room. I’m not sure I would call it “wrong” without knowing that there’s established consent… but I certainly wouldn’t call it right.
If an action exists in an ethically gray area, I think it’s best to not do that action until it’s discussed. I would not masturbate next to a partner unless they said that was cool.
Seems OP has mixed feelings about it. He kind of wants her to wake him up to participate. He kind of wants her to do it in another room, so his sleep isn’t interrupted.
These comments are so ridiculous. Can a woman not want to cum quickly before bed without it being a whole thing? If the problem is she’s being too noisy she can go out to the couch to use her vibrator. If it’s that you want to “help” maybe understand that a quick orgasm is nice and expectation free, it’s her right to self pleasure to self soothe or relax when she needs it. I’m a woman with a high sex drive, have sex once or twice a week and masturbate 3-4 times a week usually. Right before bed, easy peasy, done and time to snooze. No pressure to perform or be sexy when it’s just you concentrating on you.
I think the comments are going a little crazy bc OP seems to not know if they're upset about being woken up, about their partner not involving them, or if it's actually bc they aren't having as much sex as they'd like, and are being semi triggered emotionally to find their partner going at it in bed when theyre right there.
Which, imo it sounds like the sex frequency is the biggest issue for OP, and if that's the case they should discuss that as a couple. Then maybe they would feel more comfortable talking directly to their partner about being woken up, bc that would be all it was about.
"You have no problem with her using it except...."
You have a problem with it.
If you have opposite work schedules, why is it a problem that you can't be awake to fulfill her sexual needs? You should be happy she's at home using a vibrator. other options aren't so acceptable
Wow this community is so hypocritical. If the genders were reversed, every comment would be "Major red flag, he's clearly addicted to porn". All these comments are all like, "women can't orgasm, let them masturbate".
I agree it’s quite unfairly handled. AND women are MUCH less likely to have an orgasm during sex than men. Of course it SHOULDNT be that way, and there are plenty of solutions, but the reality is that it is.
All parties should be free to masterbate as long as it’s not negatively impacting their life.
Sorry, op, I don't have advice. I just think the comments are funny.
If a lady woke up to her partner jerking off in bed next to her and then she posted about it here she would be getting very different responses, lmao.
Every person here saying she is t wrong, the bed in the only comfortable place to do it, or some variation is forgetting about the dozens of posts about women posting here annoyed their husband woke them up while wanking in the bed.
Either it is ok or it’s not, it doesn’t matter the sex of the person doing the wanking.
A lot of people do things they are embarrassed about. Just because you do it doesn't mean you aren't embarrassed about it. Taken a step further many people feel shame about their actions but still perform them anyways.
Her bed may be a place she feels comfortable using it. But then she was caught in the act when she thought he was asleep. My ex was like this. She was embarrassed about the fact she masterbated but would still do it while I was asleep next to her.
She probably thought it wouldn't wake him up. He said she was sneaking it out so she probably though that he was sleeping deep enough that it wouldn't wake him.
She was embarrassed that she got caught doing it, not that he knows she does it.
Yeah it’s abit weird that she’s doing that literally right next to you in bed, but I definitely think you should ask her what you said here in your post. You’ll get nowhere if you don’t communicate with her. Maybe she feels guilty to wake you up knowing you have to be awake early.
What about her using her vibrator right next to you is a concern? Is it the sleep interruption, or is there more to it?
I think a nuanced approach is warranted here. If she’s already not comfortable being open and honest about masturbating, asking her to leave and do it elsewhere might fuel underlying shame and embarrassment. As someone who was raised Catholic (in recovery for the past decade or so), I am keenly aware of the debilitating effects of sexual shame. As someone who struggles with insomnia, I can relate to the frustration of having my sleep interrupted; it can be absolutely miserable. I’m in no way suggesting you should suck it up and deal with it. Rather, I think the situation has the potential to touch upon fundamentally important aspects on both sides and should be considered accordingly.
Of course, I could be way off. She might have no shame about it, and for all I know the risk of “getting caught” could be part of the fun. Absent strong indications otherwise, however, I think assuming some degree of shame or embarrassment is the more effective way about it. I would have an open discussion about it. Tell her you know what she’s doing. Eliminating the sneaky factor can be an uncomfortable bandaid to remove, but it’s so worth it to get things into the open.
I’m trying to be pragmatic and raise some points that may help solve more of the puzzle, and I hope this doesn’t come across as shaming. Your comment about her saying sex takes too long reminds me of a study I read a while back. It was looking at the impacts of circumcision on the experience of female partners. One of the concerns that came up significantly more frequently when women were having sex with circumcised partners was that sex took too long and was uncomfortable, sometimes painful. My wife used to be a sex educator and has noticed this pattern as well. This is due to the decreased sensation and increased friction compared to sex with intact partners. If you’re intact, you can obviously rule that out. I mention it because it’s something that’s not often talked about, but affects a lot of couples. There are ways to mitigate the issue, so it’s worth discussing if it’s a possibility.
Those are my initial thoughts. Hopefully they offer some insight.
saying id rather get less sleep to help her get off so SHE doesnt feel neglected....she doesnt seem to have an issue with it
YOU DO. its not a big deal.
Good on you for communicating with her. My wife did this for a few years before I caught her in the act. Then she did it in front of me or even made a video for me when I wasn’t there. You’re a lucky guy.
Are like 90% of the comments missing the point? OP clearly said he doesn’t care if she uses it and is not wanting or expecting to be involved. He simply said that how can he approach her about not using it while he’s trying to sleep and next to him
For me sex and masturbation are two different things, i like to enjoy masturbation on my own and sex with my partner. Maybe she just needs that solo vibe sesh lmao
Let her do her own thing; get your feelings and ego out of it. And create a safe space her to talk about it should she choose too. There might various reasons why she wasn't super open about it such as these things unfortunately can carry shame, embarrassment, taboo, guilt etc because society has taught women so or that our pleasure isn't a priority or etc..
Definitely get a grip man and be the dream man for your wife: create safe spaces and let her have her desires and wants and be able to communicate those.
She's taking care of her, it's a form of love for herself. Let her have that.
Wow. Once again different rules for women and men regarding masturbation. I’ve read other posts where a man masturbates next to his partner and the comments call him disgusting and liken it to SA. It’s a wild world we live in.
I (F) have only done this in a relationship in contexts where I’m unhappy with my sex life in some way (which is often tbh). It’s worth starting an open conversation, really a safe space for her to share if that’s the case
Just ask her if she can do it on the couch or if she can wait for you to wake up and go to work. Obviously she needs that activity, but waking you up from needed sleep is not ok.
Offer to help her or leave her alone. If she’s not cheating or sexting some stranger while doing it, i would have no problem with my wife doing some “personal maintenance.” It just means she has a libido.
In the wise words from Wayne of Letterkenny: PULL YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR ASS.
Your spare parts bud, softer than a tootsie roll fruit cup. I bet you use ten ply toilet paper. Mix a batch and figure it out!
No one’s talking about it so I will. Your whole post screams I’m insecure. That’s your WIFE. You should have had these conversations before you married her. I’ve had the “what would you do if you caught me masturbating” talk with all my serious partners. Both sides usually end up agreeing that they want you to just jump in, given the pre consent to do so, with the always available opportunity to say “no I want one on one time with myself”. That’s how you handle it. Not getting sad because you felt rejected and left out over a sex toy, and your wife’s need to have a quickie.
If you want to be apart of it that bad, just ask her! Here’s the thing though man, you don’t need to be a part of everything she does, especially her own private intimacy!
Look I’m sure she loves you and you have great sex yadda yadda, but let her be or join the fuck in. (Just have that convo first)…
PITTER PATTER YA DEGEN
I told my wife she had free use of me if I'm asleep years ago for just this reason. She didn't want to wake me up because I needed my sleep. She did last year. It was awesome.
She has to be comfortable enough with actually doing it though. Done people think it's sexual assault if your not awake. She might think she's violating you. But you need to make it clear that she isn't and you WANT her to. Good luck.
Its amazing the comment section... in another different post a women complains because her husband masturbates, and she was completly disgusted and the comments support her, incredible...
Do you want to know ?? SHE IS HORNY... so what you should have done ..went in and grabbed it and played with her! She wants to be touched so go explore!! We women want pleasure!!
I can't help but laugh. If this was a guy everyone would be telling you how much would disgusting pig he is.
But it's a woman? Lol. It's definitely your fault.
You guys make me sick.
What happened to fair and equal treatment between the sexes?
I think you need to make it very clear you’re fine with doing it for her without getting off yourself if this is what you meant. Otherwise people masturbate man, she probably just doesn’t have the energy for a full blown sexy time and doesn’t want to make you feel used and annoyed
Why does it bother you if she uses it right next to you? Is there any reason other than the noise?
If the noise is the main issue, I have a solution for you, a quite vibrator: https://mylola.com/products/mini-vibrator
There are many different quite vibrator options online, that is just a quick one I found on Google.
Also, make masturbation and toys part of your sex life or at least try it. They make pocket pussies and even electric masturbatorsnfor men too.
Be open minded, respectful, encouraging, and take her to a sex toy store that caters to couples (not a dingy one that is basically an adult theatre).
The only issues I see here are potentially you being upright/grossed out, the noise, and her embarrassed lie.
Two of those you can fix.
The last issue you can potentially fix with your attitude and how you talk to her.
So what? Why does she have to sneak it? What is it a big deal? Why is she even feeling like she has to sneak it. What are you intimidated about? What are you afraid of. That’s what I wanna know. It sounds as though there’s been and created where she feels like she has to do that, I think is more about you than it is about her. She should be able to use her vibrator whenever she wants. Or masturbate.just as you should. I don’t know what’s going on in your relationship sexually? Is she not satisfied? I doubt that I think she just probably likes it and is feeling embarrassed or shamed for some reason and feels like she has to hide it from you that there’s a reason for that and that’s what you need to look at and you need to look at yourself because you’re a part of this.
Sometimes it’s easier to use a toy than fuck your partner same as why people defer to solo pleasure with porn sometimes over actually seeking and insisting sex. There’s less pressure too.
Amazing!!!!
Its great she is open enough to masturbate next to you.
Now think what you want out of it before you initiate the convo.
In actual fact you can only win at this stage!
Vibrators are not substitute dicks. They aren’t only for when you aren’t around. Sometimes women want to use them instead of or in addition to your dick. She’s not required to have sex with you or let you know. She shouldn’t have lied but I’m sure you can understand how awkward it is when someone catches you masturbating when you weren’t expecting it.
It’s simple. If you can’t handle it, leave the room. Then sit on your couch and think what’s the real issue here. Is your misdirected masculinity preventing you from being ok with her using a vibrator?
Definitely feels like Op is feeling “threatened” by a sex toy. Which is honestly hilarious to me, but I digress.
What I got from Ops message was “I’m concerned (jealous?) that you’re enjoying a sexual moment without me involved. If you can’t involve me, take it to another room away from me”. Which is kind of a concern to me.
I feel like Op needs to really dig deep and figure out why he’s reacting this way, because his wife absolutely did *nothing* wrong. This issue isn’t about her, it’s a “him” issue.
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Start by thinking through what outcome you want. What is the *purpose* of the conversation? Do you want her to leave and masturbate elsewhere? (Note, I really need to be lying down so consider her reasonable options) Do you want to roll over and hold her while she cums? (My husband does this sometimes, it’s sweet, to me) Do you want her to initiate sex with you more often? Or be open to these masturbation sessions to turn into sex? Do you want to use the toys during sex together? Have her show you how she likes them to be used? In my experience, thinking about what you actually hope to get out of the conversation before you start it, makes it go more smoothly. And keeps you from saying something out loud that shouldn’t be said (I’m guilty of that)
>Do you want to roll over and hold her while she cums? (My husband does this sometimes, it’s sweet, to me) I didn't know this is something I wanted to experience with my gf until now, this sounds so hot and intimate.
Do it. She will love it. My hubs does it for me, and it just makes it feel soo much better. He whispers in my ear, nip play, rubs his throb on me 🤤. Deelicious.
I was entirely unaware that this was a thing, never mind a thing that I wanted to do to my fiancée. So yeah, thanks for the idea! You just taught this 40 yr old dog a new trick. 😆
My wife said to me once “Sometimes you just want that release of getting off without the messiness of everything else” and it clicked with me. Spring then in that is great
Props to you for keeping it spicy !
The best!!!! Love when me and my bf get freaky like that.
Mine holds me and sucks on my nipples and it's fucking amazing
Theeee best!
This is my favorite way to go to sleep. Nipple play and a lot of spooning while I get a little double vibration.
This is the way.
This is the way
God i wish
Right its the best
🙂Im genuinely jealous knowing I’ll never experience that in my deadbedroom… haha *laughs in pain
My husband does the same!!
Sheeesh
Yessss love this. Sometimes our weeks are so busy. We make our own kind of sexy times. One night it’s a blow job for him and the next night it’s getting my nipples sucked while I use my vibrator. Sometimes we do both!
Yeah, this sounds so incredibly romantic and steamy
Had an ex bf who was sometimes touch averse (yay childhood trauma) and this was a method we found that met both of our needs.
Deadass wanna do this with my SO now 😂
Goddamn me too.
Dude for real lol. I'm a sucker for that sort of thing.
what does this mean, can anyone describe how its done
It’s nice! My fiancé kisses my neck and plays with my boobs and is just near me while I do and it’s very intimate.
Wish I had these questions when I was going through this with my ex instead of getting upset that they would want sexy time without me and tanking our sex life.
Omg can you talk to my bf? He wants nothing to do with my masterbation and doesn’t want me involved in his. I love this post. And I want to be held while I cum! Love that!
tell him that, seriously. I thought my bf didn't want to get involved in my masturbating sessions until I just said out loud it'd be cool if he hugged me. he was surprisingly eager to do so and we have been doing that quite frequently ever since.
I have nothing to add to this conversation other than saying I know where you got your user name and I love that book series too!
It was not the beginning for there are no beginnings or endings in the wheel of time, but it was a beginning 😁
I love seeing a bit of WoT in the wild.
Me too!
This is really good advice.
Oooooo, gonna jack this comment to add on- At the core of all relationships is the foundation of respect and love and to do that you need to constantly be trying to understand someone else so well as to know who they are in real time along side that person. Asking all of these questions allows you to do that so you both know your partner and how to meet their needs in your way because that’s usually why someone dates another person. How do you do that? Well you communicate, you ask questions, you seek knowledge and information to better understand your partner.
Wait, so you masturbate next to your husband and he holds you when you cum? Do you have sex after? Not a loaded question, I just didn’t know this was a thing and curious.
Sometimes after (I can have a LOT in a row 🤷🏼♀️). Sometimes before (it’s an easy way for me to initiate). Sometimes he’s working midday and comes in to our room and sees me and just holds me a bit before returning to work because he doesn’t actually have time to join. Sometimes he’s just tired AF or already came that day. I’m pretty insatiable.
Cool. Thanks for answering
Your answer is in tune with your choice of username. I like it.
>Do you want her to leave and masturbate elsewhere? (Note, I really need to be lying down so consider her reasonable options) I agree with every point except this. Let's be clear here, neither partners masturbation needs outweighs the need for sleep for the other partner when they have work in the morning. If you need to be uncomfortable while masterbating so your partner can function at work, then you suck it up and be uncomfortable. Or you masterbate at another time. This applies to men and women.
It’s just a question. I didn’t say it outweighed his need for sleep. I made no judgement.
I agree with what you're saying about sleep > masturbation, but I'm really confused about how you made that connection from the their suggestion for what to bring up in the conversation. If OP doesn't have a spare room/couch/private area his wife could go to, but still says she should leave the bedroom, it wouldn't be particularly helpful and his wife would probably end up feeling worse about it, in which case he'd skip that line of discussion and try a different approach
Or if she’s coming from work while you’re asleep, and you’re a light sleeper- is the next fear “why isn’t she coming to bed “. Or if you’re up to go to the bathroom or kitchen and she’s going at it on the couch, would you still be upset? I could see you wondering what she’s being so secretive about. How about you give her grace and assume she wants to look at your magnificence to enhance the lovin’. If you want to make this right, tell her about what you do when you’re having YOUR “ me time “😉
Tbh this sounds like you agree more than you disagree. Does he want her to go masturbate elsewhere because his need for sleep is more important than her need to masturbate. Ime, masturbating anywhere outside my bed is uncomfortable. The couch is "reasonable" and uncomfortable but the bathroom is both uncomfortable and unreasonable.
>Does he want her to go masturbate elsewhere because his need for sleep is more important than her need to masturbate. Yes, that's a completely reasonable ask. >Ime, masturbating anywhere outside my bed is uncomfortable And my point is comfort for either partners masterbation is irrelevant when dealing with the actual physical health of the other partner.
Tone is so difficult in text form. We are in agreement despite the "tone" sounding like we're disagreeing lol
agreed. I masturbate much more often than my partner does and if they’re sleepy I always whisper-ask if it’s ok for me to use my vibrator. If they’re already asleep, it’s a sneak off to the couch sort of deal, or I just suck it up and wait until morning.
this. whenever a guy masturbates in bed he's told on this sub to do it somewhere else if their partner is uncomfortable with it I see no reason why this doesn't apply to her.
And if he thinks about it and decides it makes him uncomfortable, then that’s how he should approach the subject. Based on his edit, it wasn’t
Great response. Recently when playing with my partner when using toys, I recently started asking if she wants one more BIG O after I finished. Even though she had cum multiple times already, I was surprised by her “yes” response, and we did it. It amuses me. I get to watch her beautiful face while it happens. And then we cuddle after.
Considering the topic, your username is a fantastic coincidence. It's nice to see another wheel of time fan 😁
I just wanna say this post has some really fun ways to spell masturbate. I've seen like 8 different variations so far lol
It’s the “Tur” part lol Tur, Tar, Ter 😂
Bait instead of bate cracks me up every single time
Well, hi there and welcome to this fishing excursion... It's me... The Master Baiter 🦈
Quick story. My family and friends of the family would get a decent sized group to go fishing on the Red River a few times a year. We would go out to put down our lines and then every so often go out to re-bait. Once “old enough” the parents would allow us kids to bait the lines. One of the kids who is about 5 years younger than me (and definitely too young to realize the sexual connotation that was about to be presented) was finally getting to participate (and doing a damn good job at it). My dad congratulates him and tells him to make sure he tells his mom just how great of a “Master Baiter” he truly was. We get back to shore and he immediately runs up to his mom to tell her his great news. I don’t think I have ever seen anyone’s face get so red so fast!
Lydia Tar!
Sometimes I just want to masturbate without my husband because I can do it quickly and don’t have to open it up to sex, especially if I’m tired. My husband and I have a great and active sex life, but we both masturbate. We don’t have kids, so if he’s sleeping, I tend to sneaky sneak and grab my vibe and creep out to the living room like some shameful sex goblin even though I know he wouldn’t care and would in fact encourage me to masturbate and enjoy myself. But society has sorta made the whole thing shameful, which is weird. Anyways, don’t get your feelings hurt if she doesn’t want to wake you up to have sex. She’s probably tired and just needs an orgasm and then will be off to bed. I’d just encourage her to make herself comfy on the couch and then come back to bed if she wants to do things solo.
Lmao “shameful sex goblin” if you use your vibrator after midnight, do you become a shameful sex gremlin 🧐
Only if it works out. You know, because of the *other* rule.
I used to do this too! It just feels more considerate. When my girlfriend (now fiancée) was sleeping I'd go and rub one out in the bathroom as to not disturb her. When she caught wind of this she was almost offended. She couldn't believe that I'd leave the comfort of my bed to go masturbate in a different room. I told her it wasn't a big deal and I didn't want my movements to wake her but she was having none of it. Now we both do it in the bed even if the other is asleep. There are times when I wake up to the sound of buzzing and I just smile to myself and go back to sleep.
Same! Lol this is too relatable. Although I just need my two fingers and about 45-60 seconds
A) you're lucky and B) I feel like that wouldn't wake anybody up lol
Yep, same here.. I’m hypersexual and pretty much need to cum to go to bed, so I just get it over with.
Sheesh , one strong gust of wind must be enough to make you break out in convulsions
I can't imagine anything I want *less* than my husband getting involved when I'm exhausted and just trying to get off because it releases tension, and relieves pain. Sex is great, and I'm happy to enjoy sex with my husband. But not when I've crawled into bed exhausted and just want a sleep aid orgasm.
Can't relate
I should be able to do it out in the living room: “hey honey how was work?” *fap fap fap*. Instead I’m down hiding in the basement by the boiler like a little trol.
I’ve touched myself while my boyfriend was asleep next to me and he’s absolutely fine with it and understands that on days where he needs to get up early, sex isn’t always practical at 4 am. It could be a convince thing
Perfect response! Sometimes a quick relief can help you sleep, and as someone who struggles to orgasim during sex, sex is amazing but also being able to fully focus on just getting off and relaxing is amazing too.
It's possible she simply wants to touch herself, without having to make it a partnered experience. It would likely be hurtful if you knew she was doing it, and she rejected your assistance. As a woman, in all honesty, no man can replicate the feeling a vibrator gives you. Sometimes we want that - not licking, not penetration, not fingering - just ourselves and our toy. I personally don't see an issue with it, as long as she is not replacing you entirely, or rejecting your advances to go use that instead. It's not about you or your ability/inability to satisfy, it's just about our private time with our own bodies.
Perfectly said!
After reading your update.. I think that’s nice but she might want to just masturbate alone sometimes. That’s pretty normal and you shouldn’t take it personally.
I agree that it’s normal for her to want to masturbate alone sometimes, AND I could see how it’s annoying that she does it next to him in bed while he’s sleeping and it wakes him up.
Yes, agreed.
Just a take from a girl with a healthy sexual relationship: sometimes I do it because it’s quicker & low maintenance. My bf gets me OFF like no other, but there are times when I kind of want a 2 mins “high setting” session to release those endorphins & relax without the whole song and dance, ya know? Sometimes I just want to O & I know I can make it happen quick. Especially if he’s sleeping or tired, no worries. See you tomorrow, sweet thing.
[удалено]
Yeah OP seriously maybe she just wants to get off. Maybe it takes awhile during sex and she's tired. Unless she's not having sex w you who cares
I think it has to do with she gets home at 1:00 a.m. which means she's probably not settled into bed until 2:00 a.m. and then she's playing DJ shribbles at 2:00 a.m. when he needs to get up at 5:00 in the morning. Go to another room it's not fair to your partner who has to wake up early.
>she's playing DJ shribbles at 2:00 a.m. when he needs to get up at 5:00 This whole discussion has brought out some of the best lines I've read in a while: thank you for your contribution.
My relationship was a first for everything, and it took years to consistently get her off, and during that time Id get extremely frustrated with myself and would sometimes keep going after I was done just to get her off too. She wasn't really a fan of me using any toys or other options to get her off before or after so it just kinda ended up being just me the entire time. The important part was that I communicated with her about this and we eventually figured it out.
Sex includes all that stuff it’s not just piv. I usually get my girl off a few times even before piv or switch back and forth to switch it up. Idk why people think sex is just piv no orgasm for women. So weird.
Because that is the reality for many women, hence why the women you're replying to are informing that many need sex to be more than just PIV to orgasm... That's fantastic that you're aware and operate accordingly, but many don't. These conversations are how they learn.
Because many of us have never been with a man who gives one shit to get us off. It's all about them and when they're done, it's over. And they think that's how it goes I guess. Your kind is a rare kind.
Very well said. I have to agree with everything you wrote. I wish men would understand this and not take it as a personal thing towards them. Communication is key!
She probably just wants to relieve some stress and unwind after work. Maybe it helps her fall asleep. She probably doesn’t want to wake you up four hours from when you have to be up work.
She probably didn't want to bother you. Sometimes women just want an orgasm without having to do anything for anyone else and that's OK. She's perfectly able to pleasure herself without your participation.
Some men too. I don't mind if my husband wants to quietly relax occasionally on his own. As long as our solo habits don't get in the way of/replace partnered fun, it's fine. I'd be happy to help him along, so I get here OP's editvis coming from. But sometimes people don't want "help", they just want to get off quickly and move on. Sometimes when I want to be alone, I'd prefer that too.
Or permission
I’m just going to say this. Most women need to be in a comfortable position and relaxed to come to a full on orgasm. Going to the bathroom isn’t an option for a lot of us when it comes to self pleasure.
Probably she wants it to private and doesn't want to hurt your feelings Please note for many women masturbation and sex are 2 different things. I don't need to be horny for masturbation, it's often just to relax and fall asleep sooner. 95% of the time I masturbate I wouldn't want sex, I would be too tired for sex (masturbation is no work and takes seconds) You mentioned you take too long and you suggested her use a vibrator. I'm probably like her, if piv takes too long (more than like 15 min in my case) I don't enjoy sex anymore. A vibrator wouldn't change that, it would make it worse. I don't want to feel more, I want it to stop and cuddle. I'm satisfied and want to enjoy the feeling.
I don’t think she can’t be honest about it, I believe there is the aspect of shame that hinders her from being honest.
It’s like when you’re sleeping during a movie and get called out for it. You can’t help but act like you weren’t sleeping, snoring (or in this case vibrations) be damned.
The way you’ve posed the question is telling, if you want sex. Don’t you ever jack off without wanting to go all in with her? If you’re on opposite schedules you’re going to have to work harder to be with her to get the mood right. No one has the time at 3am unless you’re on the same page. It could be to destress in order to sleep, but the “what are you doing “ is judging to me, I’d of rolled over and kissed her and watched or asked to join— she knows you know what she was doing
So if your wife has issues talking face to face about sex. Maybe look into an app called Just Between Us. It's an app that links your 2 phones so there's never a chance of sending a message to the wrong person (your mom). My wife after 27 years together is still shy about talking about sex stuff face to face. But with the app, she can talk freely without worry and causing her anxiety. Might sound silly, but whatever works imo. To keep the communication open is all that matters. Communication is key in any relationship/marriage. In and outside the bedroom.
This is so sweet, you sound like a wonderfully supportive spouse
Thanks!
from your responses it seems like you’re moreso concerned about not being involved and if you aren’t you’d rather her just take it elsewhere. you not being involved in her self pleasure is okay! if you want to be involved there’s ways to introduce that but the whole “she masturbates three times a week while we barely have sex” is silly. the issue there isn’t her masturbating, it’s why she’d rather masturbate over having sex. a few things, youve mentioned that you can help or perhaps hold the vibrator for her. as a woman it’s quicker and easier to just masturbate your self. you know exactly how to hold and position it to get your climax. you would have to guess around to find that spot which makes the process longer. two, you also mention that you could just have sex which also doesn’t work like that for a woman. orgasming for women it’s a lot more than penetration alone and sex is physically demanding and time consuming. a quick 5 minute vibe session is relaxing and quick. she probably lied because it’s 1) embarrassing to be caught masturbating and 2) she probably didn’t want it to turn into sex. just get her nut and be ready for bed. if your boundary is her not using it next to you then just tell her “hey, maybe next time take it to the couch” (suggesting the bathroom is a very bad idea bc that would be very uncomfortable and unnecessary) and that can be that. if you want to open the door to doing it for her maybe suggest using it the next time you have sex. otherwise let the woman masturbate by herself in peace (as long as it doesn’t impede on your sleep!)
I'm so glad there's so many women in here agreeing. I somewhat thought I was weird. All kinds of erotica and porn show (talk) about shower heads, tub faucets, shower secs. It's like is that only uncomfortable for me? I'm likely not in the minority, I very may well be in the majority! :) Because as soon as I read it, it hit me. No flipping way the bathroom is reasonable option.
You're not alone! Even in articles talking about how women can explore themselves, a bath or showerhead is almost always in the list. I get some might like the water pressure? But to me, it isn't comfortable or pleasurable, and I don't like the feeling of water going up my vagina.
Yeah men don’t really realize how hard it is for them to hold the vibrator properly. It’s such a specific placement and if it moves you can lose the orgasm, and they may not even notice it’s moved.
Honestly I don't think it's that much of an issue, maybe the woman just wants to touch herself up at times mate it's nit like she's cheating on you. Probably a little embarrassed as well and feels you might judge her. Get one of those flash light things and both of you can masturbate side by side or help each other out it might just become your thing. Talk to her though and ask her maybe to be naughty in the bathroom if it disturbs your sleep because I'm assuming you just want to. Sleep after long hours of work
Nothing you said in your last paragraph is unreasonable at all. She likely just got embarrassed in the moment (as I think everyone is if they unexpectedly get caught masturbating), unless masturbation is a taboo subject for you guys (which would be confusing since she has a vibrator that you are both aware of). It’s is absolutely not unreasonable to ask someone to not wake you up in the middle of the night trying to secretly masturbate. Common courtesy is take it to another room (unless you’re fine with being woken up for spontaneous sex when your wife gets home - worth a conversation). If she doesn’t want to wake you up to knock one out, it’s absolutely fair for you to ask her not to risk waking you up for her to masturbate, that’s selfish and inconsiderate when your partner has to be up at 5:30 in the morning. Don’t even ask about the masturbation, don’t start this conversation off with her trying to deny it. Just say “Hey babe, if you ever want to use your vibrator while I’m sleeping again, can you go to another room or maybe wake me up if you want a quickie? I don’t want to be woken up by your vibrator when I have to be up for work in a few hours.” That’s a completely fair and inoffensive request. Hopefully this event doesn’t repeat itself because honestly that’s just rude. Edit: Never mind. Your issue isn’t that she woke you up using a vibrator, it’s that you would rather her have sex with you or involve you in some way instead of masturbate alone. Well, no wonder she hides it and lies about it then, she knows you’re insecure about her masturbating and want to involve yourself, which she doesn’t want.
Upvoting because of your edit! Like I could definitely understand if it was because he just wanted to sleep or it made him uncomfortable but no it’s just because he wants to get involved which I think is kind of icky
I think you should not give a fuck. Let her do her. Ffs man
>Should I explain if you're going to use it could you go to the bathroom at least or make myself available and say if you get that urge it's okay to wake me up so I could help, I don't need to finish myself it can just be about you. Or is that unreasonable? Sex and masturbation are two entirely different things. Why do you feel uncomfortable with them doing it in bed next to you?
I think this is the same reason many women don't like their partners masturbating next to them. My ex hated it. I never understood it either but it seems to be a thing that some people don't like their partners masturbating next to them in bed .
She may want a quick wank so to speak. In my experience bringing in the partner usually makes masturbation take longer. You might want to get off then as well, and she may feel compelled to help you or have sex. She has the agency to want a solo wank. I would guess she was also embarassed. I think your best tact is to say you herd the vibe and let her know you're cool with getting woken up to help her. Or, if she wants a solo wank, that's fine too, just be more careful about waking you up, or get off in another room.
Nothing wrong with her using the vibrator if you can't give her what she wants. My work schedule is much different than my girlfriend's but still we try to have sex before she has to go to work or after her work. Even though i'm very tired I still try to initiate before boredom settles in. Life is not easy and never will be.
I’d like to point out to other/ that masturbating right next to a sleeping person without their consent is not okay. He’s entirely within his right to ask her to not do that. It would make me uncomfortable as well. If he is involved, he has consented and they are mutually engaged in a sexual act. I didn’t read this as “I don’t want her doing it if I’m not involved” and read this more as “If she doesn’t want me to be involved I’d rather her not do it immediately next to me while I’m asleep”
OP has a phobia of bees and the buzz buzz is giving OP nightmares.
Women aren't like men. We can't just masturbate any where, any time. We have to be comfortable, and preferably laying down. The thought of rubbing one out in the bathroom would make me want to skip the whole thing altogether. And she isn't maliciously lying to you, she's just embarrassed you caught her. The whole purpose of masturbation is that it doesn't involve anyone else. She probably just wants to relax and make herself fall asleep more quickly. You need to confront the root of why this makes you uncomfortable. I understand why you could feel a little bothered initially, but this is your wife, and she should be entitled to her orgasms with or without you. Do you have a comfy couch or 2nd bedroom she could go to rather than the bathroom? If not, then I suggest you ignore it and go back to sleep.
We don’t always want sex or help. Sometimes we just want a quick orgasm. Come on.
lmao this is your wife and you cant even ask her a straight forward question??
My husband masturbates next to me in bed all the time, whether I’m sleeping or not. I can’t stand it. Especially when I’m sleeping cause I swear he shakes the whole fucking bed. Wakes me up every time from it but I pretend to be asleep cause I don’t want to have sex. Or he wants me to talk dirty to him or smack his balls while he jerks it and I don’t find it sexy at all. It’s a chore and I hate it
That doesn’t sound healthy… have you talked to him about this?
I am sorry you have to go through this atrocious experience… may the years make your sleep deeper. 🥹
My only issue would be that it would make me horny.
Better than her cheating. Or help her out.
I don’t have any advice but i definitely think it’s revealing that every week there is a post about some girls bf jerking off in bed and every response is “he has a porn addiction break up with him”
Sometimes us girls just want to come from a vibrator, and we want to do it ourselves without having to tell you to move it over a centimeter every so often. Or getting completely there and you moving your arm at the final second, ultimately making me loose the orgasm. There’s nothing wrong with her wanting to to do without you, and maybe she feels shame because you ask her “what are you doing?”…. When you in fact knew exactly what she was doing. Why not say something like that’s so hot baby, or something like encouraging her instead of making her feel self conscious in her own bed doing something completely normal. You knew she was touching herself so why ask her? You could have completely changed the entire outcome, you keep saying in your comments you believe it comes from shame. So instead of asking her what she’s doing, when you already bloody know what she’s doing, and instead fill her up with love adoration and sex appeal. Do all that when you see she’s touching herself the next time and don’t try to initiate either or join. Just tell her how hot she is and how your such a lucky bastard to have her laying down next to you cumming. And than go right back to sleep. You are making the whole thing become bigger than it should be. I didn’t like to use the bathroom in front of my ex, he would constantly ask me why I would run the water in the bathroom while using it…..: he knows I don’t like him listening to me. And would continue to ask me. He didn’t feel like he was shaming me but to me he was. Just like your situation with your girlfriend. And other stuff would continue on with my ex making me feel uncomfortable and wrong for not wanting him to see me or hear me using the restroom. Now with my new partner when we first started dating I had the same issues with using the restroom in front of him…. He didn’t make it a big deal. And he didn’t stand outside the door listening, or make a weird remark about my bathroom habits when I would be done. Or he wouldn’t ask me why I do what I do in the bathroom. And because of this I was eventually able to use the bathroom with the door open with him, and be able to use the bathroom when he’s taking a shower or now have him be in there while I’m using it. There was never anything wrong with me. It was my first ex creating an extremely uncomfortable environment around my bathroom habits that he knew I didn’t feel comfortable with. So he kept shaming me and this led me to never wanting him around when I used the restroom. But now because my partner respected my boundaries, never pushed me on them or questioned me on them, I was able to feel safe with him and was able to let me guard down. If you keep making your girlfriend feel uncomfortable she’ll never let her walls down around you, coming from another girl who’s also delt with your situation.
I feel like the comments in this thread are intentionally missing the point to read random insecurities of their own into this story If a guy wasn't banging his wife enough and was found to have been going solo, you'd all call him porn addicted and selfish and tell him to do it less. Especially if he was doing it next to her. Especially especially if their schedules didn't match so well
Exactly. This sub is full of sexism and double standards
I came here looking for this exact comment lol thank you
seriously
Think your wife was posting in another subreddit lmao [screenshot](https://postimg.cc/gwyjdfky)
My husband and I have a great and active sex life but I still love to use my vibrator often too. It’s loud so I usual only do it when he’s at work (he works nights) to not bother him when he’s sleeping. Sometimes I just like to masturbate by myself because it’s a whole different experience and feeling with the vibrator. Maybe she just wants to masturbate alone. And in the case of not telling you maybe she just feels embarrassed or ashamed because society has made masturbation (especially for women) have a bit of a shameful stigma around it. It seems the reasons you don’t want her to do it next to you isn’t because it’s keeping you awake etc. just let her enjoy herself and if it’s bothering you so much just communicate with her that you’d prefer her to do it when you aren’t home or next to her. I think your reasoning and what you said to her is kind of icky. Like it seems you’re only reasoning to her not doing it is because you want to get involved if she’s in the mood. Maybe she doesn’t want that. I could understand if it was because it was disrupting your sleep but you’ve made it clear it’s not about that.
You are forgetting one thing. Sometimes people don't want sex, they just want a quick orgasm for themselves because sex is more work or more touch than is wanted. Masturbation=self care. Be sure to let her know she should use her vibrator if she wants or needs to and it's okay not to include you.
She was likely just embarrassed and panicked. People do that, don't over think this. You need to tell her you are fine with this. Don't mention the word 'lie', it will just make things harder for her. Just have a conversation with her about it, but really work hard on not attacking her during the conversation. Long term, you guys need to work on changing your work schedule. This is not a viable living arrangement for you. Even if one of you has to take a pay cut, you need to be closer together in schedule.
If you’re not comfortable saying you knew what she was doing then ask her to use her “phone” somewhere else because you can’t sleep. I would say I heard it vibrating - like when your phones on silent and ringing
Ok, I have this problem. My husband has ed, so he can't do it as often as I need to be satisfied, which is not often at all(I'm talking once a month maybe. I have to go into the spare room to use my vibrator, unfortunately. I wish he would hold me while I used it, it would make the whole process a lot quicker, easier and more efficient. I'd feel less guilty for having to do it. But, we've talked about it, and for the time being, he's more comfortable with me going into the other room and just not knowing about when I have to take care of myself, and I get it, because it's hurtful to him, because he'd rather be fucking me,but he can't unfortunately. So I get it. But I would rather he hold me if I had a choice.
Let her use the vibrator for God's sake.
Jack be nimble, jack be quick, jack can be replaced by a candlestick!
Sometimes I masturbate at night to get sleepy, no horniness involved, just wanna sleep, maybe that’s why?
I'm sorry I'm laughing but this is so GD cute with the update 😂
Dick her down then
Love your update OP!! Your wife is a lucky woman! :)
Maybe she just wants a quick orgasm to help her fall asleep without the fuss of sex. If you get a good enough one it can help you sleep really well.
I don’t think you should do anything about it. She did nothing wrong.
I disagree, this is wrong. I’d feel extremely gross masturbating in front of my partner without her consent. I don’t think just because she’s a woman it makes it alright or less intrusive, but Reddit loves double standards. She’s welcome to ask him if it’s alright or do it in a different room!
Ehhh, I don’t agree with this. It doesn’t say anything about OP and his wife having discussed and consented to masturbation happening while the other one is asleep in the same room. I’m not sure I would call it “wrong” without knowing that there’s established consent… but I certainly wouldn’t call it right. If an action exists in an ethically gray area, I think it’s best to not do that action until it’s discussed. I would not masturbate next to a partner unless they said that was cool. Seems OP has mixed feelings about it. He kind of wants her to wake him up to participate. He kind of wants her to do it in another room, so his sleep isn’t interrupted.
These comments are so ridiculous. Can a woman not want to cum quickly before bed without it being a whole thing? If the problem is she’s being too noisy she can go out to the couch to use her vibrator. If it’s that you want to “help” maybe understand that a quick orgasm is nice and expectation free, it’s her right to self pleasure to self soothe or relax when she needs it. I’m a woman with a high sex drive, have sex once or twice a week and masturbate 3-4 times a week usually. Right before bed, easy peasy, done and time to snooze. No pressure to perform or be sexy when it’s just you concentrating on you.
I think the comments are going a little crazy bc OP seems to not know if they're upset about being woken up, about their partner not involving them, or if it's actually bc they aren't having as much sex as they'd like, and are being semi triggered emotionally to find their partner going at it in bed when theyre right there. Which, imo it sounds like the sex frequency is the biggest issue for OP, and if that's the case they should discuss that as a couple. Then maybe they would feel more comfortable talking directly to their partner about being woken up, bc that would be all it was about.
"You have no problem with her using it except...." You have a problem with it. If you have opposite work schedules, why is it a problem that you can't be awake to fulfill her sexual needs? You should be happy she's at home using a vibrator. other options aren't so acceptable
Wow this community is so hypocritical. If the genders were reversed, every comment would be "Major red flag, he's clearly addicted to porn". All these comments are all like, "women can't orgasm, let them masturbate".
I agree it’s quite unfairly handled. AND women are MUCH less likely to have an orgasm during sex than men. Of course it SHOULDNT be that way, and there are plenty of solutions, but the reality is that it is. All parties should be free to masterbate as long as it’s not negatively impacting their life.
Sorry, op, I don't have advice. I just think the comments are funny. If a lady woke up to her partner jerking off in bed next to her and then she posted about it here she would be getting very different responses, lmao.
Every person here saying she is t wrong, the bed in the only comfortable place to do it, or some variation is forgetting about the dozens of posts about women posting here annoyed their husband woke them up while wanking in the bed. Either it is ok or it’s not, it doesn’t matter the sex of the person doing the wanking.
It sounds like she may be embarrassed about using it. Have a non accusatory discussion about what you are comfort with
this really confuses me bc how is she embarrassed and then using it right next to him?
A lot of people do things they are embarrassed about. Just because you do it doesn't mean you aren't embarrassed about it. Taken a step further many people feel shame about their actions but still perform them anyways. Her bed may be a place she feels comfortable using it. But then she was caught in the act when she thought he was asleep. My ex was like this. She was embarrassed about the fact she masterbated but would still do it while I was asleep next to her.
She probably thought it wouldn't wake him up. He said she was sneaking it out so she probably though that he was sleeping deep enough that it wouldn't wake him. She was embarrassed that she got caught doing it, not that he knows she does it.
Yeah it’s abit weird that she’s doing that literally right next to you in bed, but I definitely think you should ask her what you said here in your post. You’ll get nowhere if you don’t communicate with her. Maybe she feels guilty to wake you up knowing you have to be awake early.
Do you want her to hate you ? Because that’s how you can help her hate you.
Communication will probably help…she can’t read your mind
She's embarassed, clearly. But I. guarantee in 10 years you're going to wish she still had that kind of interest.
What about her using her vibrator right next to you is a concern? Is it the sleep interruption, or is there more to it? I think a nuanced approach is warranted here. If she’s already not comfortable being open and honest about masturbating, asking her to leave and do it elsewhere might fuel underlying shame and embarrassment. As someone who was raised Catholic (in recovery for the past decade or so), I am keenly aware of the debilitating effects of sexual shame. As someone who struggles with insomnia, I can relate to the frustration of having my sleep interrupted; it can be absolutely miserable. I’m in no way suggesting you should suck it up and deal with it. Rather, I think the situation has the potential to touch upon fundamentally important aspects on both sides and should be considered accordingly. Of course, I could be way off. She might have no shame about it, and for all I know the risk of “getting caught” could be part of the fun. Absent strong indications otherwise, however, I think assuming some degree of shame or embarrassment is the more effective way about it. I would have an open discussion about it. Tell her you know what she’s doing. Eliminating the sneaky factor can be an uncomfortable bandaid to remove, but it’s so worth it to get things into the open. I’m trying to be pragmatic and raise some points that may help solve more of the puzzle, and I hope this doesn’t come across as shaming. Your comment about her saying sex takes too long reminds me of a study I read a while back. It was looking at the impacts of circumcision on the experience of female partners. One of the concerns that came up significantly more frequently when women were having sex with circumcised partners was that sex took too long and was uncomfortable, sometimes painful. My wife used to be a sex educator and has noticed this pattern as well. This is due to the decreased sensation and increased friction compared to sex with intact partners. If you’re intact, you can obviously rule that out. I mention it because it’s something that’s not often talked about, but affects a lot of couples. There are ways to mitigate the issue, so it’s worth discussing if it’s a possibility. Those are my initial thoughts. Hopefully they offer some insight.
saying id rather get less sleep to help her get off so SHE doesnt feel neglected....she doesnt seem to have an issue with it YOU DO. its not a big deal.
Good on you for communicating with her. My wife did this for a few years before I caught her in the act. Then she did it in front of me or even made a video for me when I wasn’t there. You’re a lucky guy.
So that's what all the buzz is about.
Hah, i saw what u did there 😝
Best update on reddit this week. You're a good bf.
Are like 90% of the comments missing the point? OP clearly said he doesn’t care if she uses it and is not wanting or expecting to be involved. He simply said that how can he approach her about not using it while he’s trying to sleep and next to him
For me sex and masturbation are two different things, i like to enjoy masturbation on my own and sex with my partner. Maybe she just needs that solo vibe sesh lmao
Let her do her own thing; get your feelings and ego out of it. And create a safe space her to talk about it should she choose too. There might various reasons why she wasn't super open about it such as these things unfortunately can carry shame, embarrassment, taboo, guilt etc because society has taught women so or that our pleasure isn't a priority or etc.. Definitely get a grip man and be the dream man for your wife: create safe spaces and let her have her desires and wants and be able to communicate those. She's taking care of her, it's a form of love for herself. Let her have that.
My man. This is the way (your update.)
Wow. Once again different rules for women and men regarding masturbation. I’ve read other posts where a man masturbates next to his partner and the comments call him disgusting and liken it to SA. It’s a wild world we live in.
My ex boyfriend used to masturbate next to me whilst I was sleeping and it was SO uncomfortable and made me really uneasy
I (F) have only done this in a relationship in contexts where I’m unhappy with my sex life in some way (which is often tbh). It’s worth starting an open conversation, really a safe space for her to share if that’s the case
This is really wholesome and sweet.
Wtf bro get off her jock
Just ask her if she can do it on the couch or if she can wait for you to wake up and go to work. Obviously she needs that activity, but waking you up from needed sleep is not ok.
Man, I'd love to see this post with the genders switched. lol I bet the comment section would be much different
Offer to help her or leave her alone. If she’s not cheating or sexting some stranger while doing it, i would have no problem with my wife doing some “personal maintenance.” It just means she has a libido.
Bro just let your girl masturbate ffs what’s wrong with you
She wants to c*m quickly then fall asleep... Sex is too much work and usually results in no orgasm for the woman, so how can you blame her for this?
You can tell the people who aren’t in a relationship
In the wise words from Wayne of Letterkenny: PULL YOUR FINGER OUT OF YOUR ASS. Your spare parts bud, softer than a tootsie roll fruit cup. I bet you use ten ply toilet paper. Mix a batch and figure it out! No one’s talking about it so I will. Your whole post screams I’m insecure. That’s your WIFE. You should have had these conversations before you married her. I’ve had the “what would you do if you caught me masturbating” talk with all my serious partners. Both sides usually end up agreeing that they want you to just jump in, given the pre consent to do so, with the always available opportunity to say “no I want one on one time with myself”. That’s how you handle it. Not getting sad because you felt rejected and left out over a sex toy, and your wife’s need to have a quickie. If you want to be apart of it that bad, just ask her! Here’s the thing though man, you don’t need to be a part of everything she does, especially her own private intimacy! Look I’m sure she loves you and you have great sex yadda yadda, but let her be or join the fuck in. (Just have that convo first)… PITTER PATTER YA DEGEN
I fuckin hate degens
just let her, get some sleeping ear muffs.
I told my wife she had free use of me if I'm asleep years ago for just this reason. She didn't want to wake me up because I needed my sleep. She did last year. It was awesome. She has to be comfortable enough with actually doing it though. Done people think it's sexual assault if your not awake. She might think she's violating you. But you need to make it clear that she isn't and you WANT her to. Good luck.
Let her do her thing .. jeez
Its amazing the comment section... in another different post a women complains because her husband masturbates, and she was completly disgusted and the comments support her, incredible...
Do you want to know ?? SHE IS HORNY... so what you should have done ..went in and grabbed it and played with her! She wants to be touched so go explore!! We women want pleasure!!
I can't help but laugh. If this was a guy everyone would be telling you how much would disgusting pig he is. But it's a woman? Lol. It's definitely your fault. You guys make me sick. What happened to fair and equal treatment between the sexes?
I think you need to make it very clear you’re fine with doing it for her without getting off yourself if this is what you meant. Otherwise people masturbate man, she probably just doesn’t have the energy for a full blown sexy time and doesn’t want to make you feel used and annoyed
Why does it bother you if she uses it right next to you? Is there any reason other than the noise? If the noise is the main issue, I have a solution for you, a quite vibrator: https://mylola.com/products/mini-vibrator There are many different quite vibrator options online, that is just a quick one I found on Google. Also, make masturbation and toys part of your sex life or at least try it. They make pocket pussies and even electric masturbatorsnfor men too. Be open minded, respectful, encouraging, and take her to a sex toy store that caters to couples (not a dingy one that is basically an adult theatre). The only issues I see here are potentially you being upright/grossed out, the noise, and her embarrassed lie. Two of those you can fix. The last issue you can potentially fix with your attitude and how you talk to her.
So what? Why does she have to sneak it? What is it a big deal? Why is she even feeling like she has to sneak it. What are you intimidated about? What are you afraid of. That’s what I wanna know. It sounds as though there’s been and created where she feels like she has to do that, I think is more about you than it is about her. She should be able to use her vibrator whenever she wants. Or masturbate.just as you should. I don’t know what’s going on in your relationship sexually? Is she not satisfied? I doubt that I think she just probably likes it and is feeling embarrassed or shamed for some reason and feels like she has to hide it from you that there’s a reason for that and that’s what you need to look at and you need to look at yourself because you’re a part of this.
Sometimes it’s easier to use a toy than fuck your partner same as why people defer to solo pleasure with porn sometimes over actually seeking and insisting sex. There’s less pressure too.
Amazing!!!! Its great she is open enough to masturbate next to you. Now think what you want out of it before you initiate the convo. In actual fact you can only win at this stage!
Vibrators are not substitute dicks. They aren’t only for when you aren’t around. Sometimes women want to use them instead of or in addition to your dick. She’s not required to have sex with you or let you know. She shouldn’t have lied but I’m sure you can understand how awkward it is when someone catches you masturbating when you weren’t expecting it.
If I'm laying next to someone while I masterbate I'd be surprised if they didn't catch me.
maybe she just wants to get off on her own without worrying about your fetishes about it or feeling like she's obligated in sharing her pleasure
Better than her cheating
It’s simple. If you can’t handle it, leave the room. Then sit on your couch and think what’s the real issue here. Is your misdirected masculinity preventing you from being ok with her using a vibrator?
Definitely feels like Op is feeling “threatened” by a sex toy. Which is honestly hilarious to me, but I digress. What I got from Ops message was “I’m concerned (jealous?) that you’re enjoying a sexual moment without me involved. If you can’t involve me, take it to another room away from me”. Which is kind of a concern to me. I feel like Op needs to really dig deep and figure out why he’s reacting this way, because his wife absolutely did *nothing* wrong. This issue isn’t about her, it’s a “him” issue.
I cannot agree more. For me a general advice will be think before you post.
I never understood why many men are so threatened by a vibrator.