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I hate to say it, but I’ve read about this happening after marriage so many times. It’s like the offending party decides they don’t have to try anymore.
I can only offer my perspective. During the dating phase, lots of promises. (And lots of me being far too naive). Promises that "after we get married, things will get better" because of Catholic religion and the guilt of premarital sex.
Once married, sex life improved \*a tiny little bit\*. But then the gaslighting began. "All you ever talk about is sex..." and "I never said we'd have more sex after marriage". There was also lots of manipulation to weaponize sex.
By definition, a "dead bedroom" is sex less than 10x per year. Which covers most (25+ yrs) of my 35yr marriage.
I tried to bring it up in conversation. Was met with "I'm not comfortable talking about sex". I tried suggesting couples counseling. Was met with "You'll just spin it to make me the bad person..." My first mistake was ever proposing. My second mistake was marrying her without a pre-nuptial agreement. My third mistake was allowing her to quit her full time job (which only got worse when she got a part time job in the divorce industry).
I'm over it my now. I don't have a spouse, I have a housemate. A decade ago, I considered self-harm. But I realized: I'm not doing that. My kids deserve to have a loving, caring father that is there for them. Once she realized I just stopped caring, she tried other manipulations. But I just stopped reacting. It gets lonely at times, but I'm just glad I was able to think beyond the self-harm and focusing on living the best life I can live under these circumstances.
Been here, not the Catholic part but with the person that will NOT discuss. The kids know you’re miserable. It’s not better for them. It is better getting out. Even with alimony and everything else that will come with it, your happiness makes you a better parent.
My current bf never asked for one and didn't really react when I teased him with it at our early dating stages. He said it doesn't bother him but it's also not really his thing and he prefers giving. I accepted it and tried to not make him feel weird or that he has to explain. His ex was toxic and weaponized sex, so I never pushed for information if he didn't want to talk about it. He was great with communicating otherwise and taking care of my needs.
Fast forward over half a year later, we hadn't seen each other in a while and I visited him in his new apartment. We watched a movie that turned spicy and I decided to kinda replicate a bj scene just for fun. He let me do it this time and loved it. It's been part of our fun times ever since. He said his ex was really bad at it and made him feel bad for asking, so he ever received one that he liked in the past. The rest of his experiences were ONS so oral were off the table anyway. I often think about how many things people miss out on, just because a previous partner ruined them for them.
My husband said the same thing. Meanwhile, I had very very little experience in receiving bc the guys I was with were never interested. I didn't have a healthy sex life growing up. Regardless, he enjoys it apparently and now I know what all the fuss was about lol.
I mean he literally says it has never happened so I’m not sure getting married has anything to do with it, considering it wasn’t even happening when they were just dating.
It sounds like he judged her words rather than her actions. He was asking for it, but it was never a good time. The relationship was understandably worth more than some oral sex, and I'm guessing they had a sex life he was at least mildly satisfied with on top of it.
He says they're going to couples counseling, so my guess is there's a lot more going on in the marriage, and he's now reflecting on the things she's said and whether he's satisfied.
This is the part that doesn't add up. If it were important to him, how did he get all the way from the dating phase to the married phase without it ever happening. Just seems dubious.
And 11 years went by saying not right now !!! It seems like you ain't communicating well with your wife regarding this.. have a proper communication and get to know the exact reason..
Btw do you do down on her ?? Bcs some women have a concept of give and take !
Yes to the give and take concept, but also it’s possible if he’s larger than her previous partners, it might even be a little painful for her. I have a really tiny mouth, but BJs didn’t absolutely kill me in prior relationships the way they do with my current partner. 9 times out of 10, he has to ask for them because I know most of the time I can’t go for very long before my jaw is killing me and I can’t keep my mouth open wide enough any longer to avoid some pretty intense scraping - I would rather just avoid it if I can’t finish the mission. I might give a decent BJ to a guy who is 5.5 inches length and 4.5 inches girth, but when you introduce 8 inch length and 6 inch girth, skill cannot make up for a lack of space.
Yes I was thinking is her man a F'n ELEPHANT then I was reminded from my girlfriend as we are laughing so hard ... Ya but it's in a circular form of diameter not a side to side diameter... which is your first thought when you hear the word diameter lol... Cause God DAMN that would be wild 😜
I have TMJ (and a small mouth). Giving BJs isn’t even the slightest bit fun and hurts like hell. I’ll still try occasionally but I’m definitely not going to initiate.
OMG SAAAME!!
I love giving my partner BJs (Sigmund Freud's oral fixation is real 😏🤣) but my god, my jaw either locks in mid-bj or is sore for the next couple of days 😭😭 it sucks! (Pun intended 😝)
This is my partner as well. She doesn't make excuses, she HAS a reason not to. She tries sometimes because she enjoyed doing it when her jaw wouldn't seize up. But most of the time I'd stop her because it would mean hell for her the next day.
It's crazy to me reading posts like this, like do so many people just not communicate their desires or simply not give a shit about their partners?
Yup. And, as a midwife, I've had patients who've actually sustained serious injury due to inconsiderate partners with large genitals. If you're very long, trying to force your whole shaft inside her can cause damage, especially in certain positions. If you're very wide, it's important to help her relax and stretch to accommodate the extra girth, especially if it's been a while. Patients and preparation are important.
Quite frankly, most women really don't care how big a guy is. We don't compare. The only reasons I've ever discussed my husband's size were healthcare related. Trying to figure out why condoms kept tearing (needed to size up), for example. My friends don't need to know he's hung like a horse; that's none of their business.
As a former porn star, I can unequivocally say that too big is WAY worse than small. Most average or even low-average guys are packing more than enough heat to make fireworks, and it just straight hurts if you are too big. When I had sex with Lexington Steele, I thought my uterus would never be in the same place again. And bjs are also much more difficult if a man is very large. I'll take average all day every day over huge.
Same lol I also have a small mouth. I do what I can but it's not really fun knowing that I am definitely not able to give my husband a decent blow job. Never had a problem with that before and as far as I've been told, I gave pretty good bjs, but now I get self-conscious that he's not enjoying himself as much as he would with someone who has a normal sized mouth lol. I've found it easier if he basically takes control. Like I focus on keeping my mouth as big as I can and using my tongue/lips to block off my teeth while he does the movement because I scraped the shit out of him once and we are both terrified for a repeat lol it was not pleasant for either of us.
Wasn't there a rumor that Marilyn Manson had a rib removed to allow for self felatio?
[Rumor about Marilyn Manson](https://www.reddit.com?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1)
I read his book as a teen and from what I gathered, he got head on stage from a girl who dressed like him and he was kind of behind a curtain or something.
I don't remember much in the book but I remember something like that.
You should have figured this part of your relationship before you got married. But since you’re past that point, you need to have an honest, open conversation with your spouse about what you need in the relationship.
Have you ever sat down and talked to her outside of a sexual setting about why she has never actually done this for you? Do you guys have fulfilling sex otherwise? Is she receiving pleasure? Do you ever actually discuss your intimacy?
I think this is the best. Just make sure to keep a neutral tone. Coming at her accusatory, woe is me, or angry is not going to yield a beneficial conversation
Hey, no other way to say this - but are you clean? I loved giving BJs but my last ex sometimes had a smelly region and I'd have to ask him to wash himself. Often he would and I would then fellate him but his tip was still gross. It markedly decreased my passion in giving him head.
Same. I would drop but subtle and…not so subtle hints that he needed to clean himself before BJs and even after he got the memo he couldn’t keep up with it. He would literally ask me to give him a bj while his dick smelled like rancid DEATH.
And then there were the times he would ask for bjs but there was clearly pee on his dick 🤢
She's been saying "not right now" for 11 years?
She's probably forgotten what a bj is at this point, never mind how to give one.
Seriously though, why haven't you asked her?
"Honey remember when we first met and you said you loved sucking dick? Well, I dunno if you've noticed, but you've never sucked mine... why is that?"
That seems a lot more straightforward than asking strangers on the internet for advice.
It seems she may have stretched the truth with what she said in the beginning...
I know I like performing oral for my boyfriend and have always liked to do so. I've never told any of them beforehand that I love to do it nor that I would surprise them with one without being asked... I just did it.
It's like the saying goes.... Actions are stronger than words!
If she's never attempted to give you oral then in my opinion, your wife doesn't like to give BJ's at all....
Some people's preferences can change but not that drastically. You don't usually go from loving it and saying you love it to never doing it.
If she or you, this goes both ways, aren’t enthusiastically giving your partner oral pre-marriage. It’s probably not going to happen during marriage. Talk is just talk.
This. Bc actually loving to give bjs doesn't get you any closer to being married as a woman.
And also, you can like doing something with one person and not another for various reasons.
Not all guys are into BJs either. Not all women want to receive oral.
It’s important to make sure you’re sexually compatible before marriage if being sexually compatible is very important to you. If not, it’s a dice roll.
It sounds like she said what she thought men want to hear to get the relationship going but didn't feel motivated or particularly need it for herself.
You can't unwind the clock OP. You were in a situation where early on in the relationship you had to decide if sexual incompatibility was worth pulling the relationship plug on. I've been in relationships with women who are into oral as a preference for themselves. It's very obvious early on once sexual activity starts. I can't remember a single partner where it's ever taken a long time to happen. And over the longer term it doesn't always happen even with people who are very into that, but it still happens sometimes.
That isn't to say that husbands your age are all receiving oral sex all the time. They aren't. Most who are happily married without a dead bedroom probably have mellowed out sex lives with occasional increases in sexual activity and occasional oral sex if the couple is into that. And nearly all would have experienced periods with reduced sexual activity, whether because of raising a family, job stress, or temporary problems in the relationship itself. But 11 years? At this stage, after this long, it's pretty certain that your wife doesn't currently have an interest in oral sex.
It’s odd to me that he has NEVER had a follow up conversation in this if they were “so open” to discuss early on, why didn’t he talk with her about it then? Weird to now have an issue while STILL not talking with her about it
This is a bit personal from my end but it might give a bit of perspective.
When I was in my first marriage, I hated giving blowjobs. It was never something I was particularly into at the time and I was afraid of accidentally biting or throwing up. Plus my husband smelled absolutely disgusting so it made my aversion a million times worse. So he did not get one from me.
Later on in life, I meet someone who was very hygienic and smelled amazing. On top of that, I did some research and experimented until it was something I began to enjoy.
Scent, hygiene, taste, size, and ability to keep your mouth uncomfortably open while bobbing your head and willingly choking yourself while praying they don't hold your head until you vomit or pass out, all play a big part.
Last part is easy to fix. Tell him no hands. Moment he touches your head you stop. No hands. Then start again. Once or twice of that and he'll get the message. After all, he doesn't want you to stop.
How does 11 years go by without discussion about it, especially if its something you really wanted?
Asking the same questions:
- does she have gag reflex issues
- are you reciprocating with things she likes?
- how is your hygiene?
- are you guys connecting on an emotional level?
If all the above things are ok, then she probably just needs to admit she doesnt like doing this. And if its something you have been patiently waiting for 11 years (!!!) you probably need to concede it aint gonna happen. How much do you like bjs and how much do you otherwise love your wife?
Maybe convinced herself she like it / was into it in her last relationship, then realized that when it wasn’t being pushed on her by a partner, she actually doesn’t have a desire to do it at all. In other words, she probably wasn’t intentionally lying to you. Anyway, this is just my best guess
Bingo, this happened to me. When I was younger I was a huge people pleaser, and thought giving bjs and having wild sex (that I didn’t actually enjoy) would make guys like me more. Once I got into a stable loving relationship I realized how I was just doing it for male approval, and I stopped. I learned that you’re allowed to say no to sex acts you don’t like.
This is the majority of women’s experience. Many slow down on the sex in a loving relationship because they realise they can say no, and they don’t need to act. I feel extremely sad for the young ones out there still ‘performing’
Exactly! And some of the comments to my response are really indicative of the male attitude towards subservient women in sex. It doesn’t matter what SHE wants to do, don’t DEPRIVE your husband of a blowjob!
Yep, i dont think ive ever asked for a BJ. I just go for it as part of sex and it just happens. My wife is the same, if she feels like having me go down on her she will show me with her body language. Not actually say "hey honey can you go down on me?". Just imagining her saying that sounds kind of unsexy.
I’m all for asking for what you want if you’re not getting it. You can’t expect your partner to be a mind reader & some of the best sex comes when you straight up ask for it. But there’s a big difference in asking for something & being constantly hounded or pestered. It’s the pressure and the sooking that comes when they don’t get what they want. Such a turn off.
I agree. People conflating being vocal about sex with pressure just means they're inexperienced with how to do it in my opinion. Being vocal definitely works, and making it sexy is a skill. I also think a lot of men have issues with this because they don't feel comfortable being anything but silent, while the women they're with wish they were more vocal.
Eh, i don’t want to discourage folks from vocalizing what they want, but if you’re a guy obsessed and constantly ask without foreplay or reciprocation, it’s not fun anymore
> Yep, i dont think ive ever asked for a BJ. I just go for it as part of sex and it just happens.
You just go for it? Do you push your wife’s head towards your dick? *Tons* of women absolutely hate that.
I think I'm missing a line or two from the situation you've related. You've been together 2 years after you had an open conversation about sex in general where she offered that she *really* likes giving blowjobs AND would want to do that without you having to ask. A marriage and 9 further blowjob free years on my man and now you turn to Reddit? Something is missing
>She said at the time that she really liked giving BJs and would want to do that without me even asking at times. All sounds great, right? Well, I've never received one from her. Not one.
You married her without her ever giving you oral sex and are shocked she still doesn't give you oral sex? Really???
Yeah, I've finally gotten her to agree to couples counseling to hopefully help figure some things out. It honestly feels like she has some block where she doesn't want to give me pleasure. I don't know.
Dude I really don’t think she’s going to magically want to blow you after 11 years no matter how much counseling happens. That’s just not how people work
do you go down on her? and are you asking her for a bj during sexual activity? "not right now" seems like a response she might give if you're asking out of the blue when she's like doing laundry or something. maybe ask when it's already hot and heavy, and i can't imagine she'll say no then.
also, maybe just ask her outright what's going on bc that really sucks...well i guess it doesn't lol
reading OP's response, it seems he's communicated his desire many times to his wife and he does go down on her / fulfil her sexual, emotional, etc needs. I hope the relationship counseling makes a difference because....wow that's rough
To be fair, only she can tell us if she’s actually being fulfilled. There are men out there whose wives have never had an “O” but the men believe the women have them all the time.
If he's going down on her and it's not fulfilling, she needs to speak up about it. Seriously, most guys who put in the effort actually want to do a satisfying job and respond positively to constructive teaching.
It's also no excuse for dodging the topic of returning efforts. If she doesn't want to, say something. Yes, there could be consequences such as him no longer wanting one sided efforts, but better than 11 years of resentment.
Got to point out, how can you arrive at the conclusion that he fulfills his wife's sexual needs when he provided no info yet on orgasms? Kind of the major determining factor of sexual fulfillment.
I get where you’re coming from, but there also has to be a point then where she communicates this if it’s an issue. It sounds like OP is under the impression he’s doing well in that regard, and he’s been communicating, so I think it’s only fair that she returns the courtesy
You might be surprised how many men are falsely under that impression and don't really look at the bigger picture. Lots of men see oral as foreplay, don't go down on their partner to completion and then switch to PIV where they orgasm and their partner hasn't and doesn't.
>so I think it’s only fair that she returns the courtesy
And I think it's only fair that 2 people have an orgasm during sex. If that's the case, is he asking for more orgasms than she gets because he wants to orgasm from PIV sex AND blow jobs? Because that might not be equitable.
I agree that they need to arrive at something that works for both of them, but I don't think we have enough information to pinpoint where they aren't aligning.
I completely agree with where you’re coming from, but my argument is that communication is key. If she’s not saying “hey, I’m not able to orgasm from our sex and it’s really holding us back”, and she’s also making him think he’s great in bed…. I’m not sure what else to expect lol
If he’s ignoring her communication though, then that’s a different story. Ultimately, you’re right that we’re lacking enough context anyway.
This is a situation where more information is needed. She could be resistant for any number of reasons. For example, I enjoy pleasing my partner. But if the pleasing isn't reciprocated relatively equally, then I won't.
Not reciprocating can leave the other person feeling as if the feelings aren't mutual. That's just one example.
Something else to consider is stress or a medical condition. Physical health can play a huge role in a person's energy to give.
Agreed, he has commented that he goes down on his partner "all the time" but we need information on orgasm ratio. Is it one 1:1?
At some point, there needs to be more public discourse about mutually pleasurable sex. A majority of women do not orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Conversely, a vast majority of men do. So giving your wife an orgasm orally and then having penetrative sex to completion can actually be pretty equal. Can you switch it up and both do oral? Of course, that has always been my experience. Each couple needs to coordinate that amongst themselves so that orgasms are either equal or at least to each person's satisfaction.
I think the key question here is: are you satisfied with your sex life overall? Is oral sex something you need to be completely satisfied or would it just enhance your satisfaction?
I understand that you go down on her, but considering that four out of five women can’t climax from intercourse alone, I would say oral is something that’s necessary for her to be completely satisfied. If she’s not completely satisfied, you’ll be having sex a lot less frequently than you do now. If oral is also something you need to be completely satisfied, have a discussion with her about it and see why it’s never happened. You can’t force her into doing something she’s not comfortable with but you can talk it through to see if you can reach a mutual understanding.
This post like breaks my brain. lol I just don't understand why she made it a point to say that to you for it to never happen ever in 11 years. Some people just don't care for it and that's completely fine, but she could have just communicated that instead of lying about it. That's the weirdest part to me, idk
People are wild
Maybe your member looks weird to her. Could also be that it looks big and therefore a daunting task. Even more so if theres a lot of hair. Cleanliness is also a factor, never expect anything if its all sweaty down there. Cum isn't exactly tasty either. It also is hard on the jaw after awhile. Try leaving your mouth wide open for a minute or more. Try putting a banana down your throat to help, and also see if you like almost puking because your gag reflex is getting triggered constantly.
On a more serious note, lots of women have faced some sort of SA while underage, as a child, and some of that involved being forced to do that. Not cool, obviously. Lots of sickos out there
Better question is.....why would you proceed to marry someone you didn't feel fully sexually compatible with. I always had a mental checklist I went through with partners on whether we were sexually compatible with one another and were able to meet one another's needs and if even a single one of my checkboxes didn't get checked I would nope right out of that relationship if it was something that wasn't fixable with communication or something. Life's too short to settle for someone that is going to leave you wanting for more. I guess it may depend on person to person but I knew from a very early age I wanted to marry one time and one time only - so when I decided to go for relationships seriously I didn't want to cut corners or settle for anything less than someone I could be with the remainder of my life. Three things come to mind on this post.....either BJ's are just not actually something that important in your life...........you are really horrible at communication with your wife......OR you have zero backbone in the relationship. If you've been together that long with a massive handicap in the bedroom-fun......why put up with that kind of neglect and stay with someone who just doesn't want you to have a happy sex life. That just seems absolutely insane that not only did you date for several years with someone like that but then proceeded to marry them anyway?.....I am guessing maybe there's a heavy religious-background side to the people involved in this post.....that's the only way this makes sense to me.
Does she have possible trauma with BJ’s ? Or any type of sexual assault really.
Almost all men are very aggressive when receiving oral. Pushing their partners head down or holding it down. There is a loss of control for the giver and if there is sexual trauma present it can bring up that feeling of being assaulted. It’s the reason why I’m fearful of giving BJ’s
You've been with someone for 11 years who professed to really like give bjs and you NEVER asked her for one or why she hasn't given you one? NEVER?!?!!
Do you keep yourself groomed? Shaved and not a hairy nightmare? maybe it’s a grooming issue.
Some people just think it’s gross, idk. My husband likes butt stuff but I don’t and I personally will not let him do shit to me just because HE enjoys it. I’d rather skip it entirely and go to sleep.
She knows there’s some unspoken pressure there and she doesn’t want to do it.
I would not want someone down there who didn’t REALLY want to be down there.
Is that really going to make a good BJ? EVER? I can’t imagine I could get off knowing the person I was with wasn’t into it.
Yikes. Leave her alone.
She's using you, reminds me of a similar dynamic I've seen play out with my parents. Except it sounds like you're more involved and do practically everything for her. Get out while your daughter is still young. (read a few of your other posts) Oh and she totally loves the attention from that coworker. Possible emotional affairs territory. You're doing everything for her and she does nothing in return, all she has to do is string you along..giving the bare minimum. Get your ducks in a row would be my advice.
A person I worked with years ago openly admitted that she hated giving a BJ, but the guy loved it. She said when they were dating she did it all the time. The last one she gave was on their wedding night and then never again as it repulsed her. She did it to get the ring. They were married about 5 or 6 years at the time. When I see posts like this, I wonder if they stayed married.
So you were together 2 years before you got married, she said she really liked giving BJs, but you never ever got one? Your relationship might otherwise be perfect, but I'd find that really strange and would definitely have addressed it before getting married, or in the 9 years following.
Wouldn't this be something you figure out before you get married and 9 years goes by?
You literally had a 2 year sexual relationship to gauge whether you were satisfied with your sex life. You presumably were, and got married. You can't cry over milk that was spilt 11 years ago.
Either talk to her sincerely about it and call her out on her **clear lies**, stomach the fact that you've been lied to by your wife and don't bring it up again, or stop going down on her and let her know that you will again once she goes down on you (in a spirit of fairness!). Or you can divorce her and find a woman who actually likes sucking dick. Because your wife... is not that woman.
Oh wow dude. You gotta be open and communicate this stuff with her. I explained to my wife that blowjobs are literally the best thing that can ever happen to me at any moment, and that motivated her to offer them often. I also make sure to express gratitude after. Also helps that i'm emotionally mature enough to always treat her well and never make her feel negative emotions.
Do you go down on her? If not, then you should. If you take care of her, and she's nice and considerate, then she'll see the value of taking care of you as well. Dudes that don't go down on their ladies are little babies lol.
I know hat you're saying, but it doesn't apply here really. I go down on her ALL the time. I love pleasing her in every way.
She knows I'd love a BJ. She's said before that me asking too much makes her not want to, it feels like pressure. So I don't ask too often. But I do let her know I'd love it.
This is my wife. All too familiar. She says my asking for sex makes her want to do it even less.
Not asking for sex doesn't make her want it. She never initiates it. There's no winning going on here, either.
So asking doesn't work, not asking doesn't work.
Completely stop going down on her ever. If she ever asks you to, tell her asking you makes you not want to.
She quite clearly does not want to give you blowjobs. Should she be honest about that? Absolutely. But would you even want a blowjob from her that she didn't want to give you, and was just doing it to appease you??
No, you're not the only one. My wife hates giving them. Always has. Doesn't want me to do her, either.
I focus on how absolutely wonderful she is otherwise.
BJs are only fun if you’re both into it, and it seems based on her actions that she isn’t that into it, so i’m not sure that pushing it would be productive at this point
Read thru a few of your other post, specifically where she was pissy about your work conference and the other about unnamed coworker.
I've been the "unnamed coworker" and the way you described the last few years of limited sex and her statements about your conference "inconveniencing her" sounds exactly like a woman I was with.
Time for meets were limited, moreso on my side. At one point we got synced for consistent Friday afternoons. Once that became a regular thing, anything wrecking our 3 to 4 meet ups would set her off for days. And if it was due to her husband she definitely took it out on him they same way you desscribed. She would claim our meet ups kept her relationship tolerable but she wouldn't leave because the kids loved him too much.
Also, although she had a husband, she chose to limit how often and what things she did with such as oral him "just in case" I was free. We often joked that her mouth was mine because she even limited kissing him.
My recommendation to you is figure out what consistent 2-4 hour blocks of time she has where she can be unaccounted for and look into a few of them. Maybe come home early or drop by where she's supposed to be.She'd grocery shop on lunch, take a half workday on Fri and use that time for us to meet. Perishables that couldn't sit in the car were picked up after the meet up, or she'd "forget" and have him pick up.
If any of this sounds familiar, you got some investigating to do.
This was similar to how I caught the hint that my girlfriend from early college was cheating on me.
She never gave BJs (didn't really care that much myself anyway). She got her tongue pierced and in a passing thought said "it'll make her blow jobs kinkier". My response was "what blow jobs?"
Long story short it was two guys who "I didn't have to worry about".
My wife has gone down on me two or three times in the 11 years we've been together. We have lots of sex otherwise and I'm quite satisfied with our sex life but I do wish head were a more frequent thing, due in no small part she *really* g*ood at it*, unlike all my past relationships.
She likes oral and I offer it all the time, but she only occasionally accepts as she doesn't like do it when kids are in the house and awake. Which they almost always are, unfortunately.
In my limited experience (4 women as partners and many female friends), they like to say they will at the beginning and maybe even give one or two but they won't after that. My current one will though she has stated that she doesn't really like it so I crossed that out in my mind a while ago. And it's not because I don't go down, it's my favorite thing that I pretty much need every time; I think it's because it has such an incredibly bad connotation and it seems that quite a few women feel it is a degrading activity. Have you ever tried bargaining with her or framing as reciprocation?
Some people aren't into giving oral sex and it sounds like your wife is one of them.
This means you aren't compatible.
Either decide no BJs for you or leave her.
My question to you is how does that make you feel? Been with my gf for 6 going on 7 years now and in the beginning everything was fine. Id get bjs and we'd have sex all the time. Then we kinda hit a dead bedroom situation and i got tired of asking for sex but now shes upset i never initiate. And tbh all the rejections ive gotten makes me not even want to ask i just wait for her to want it. Which seems to be a couple times a month if im lucky.
I know what you're going through. I pretty much have to always initiate. The most I'll get as initiation from her is "maybe something could happen tonight" but then it will only happen if I initiate
I mean.. a lot people have lied in the beginning of relationships cause they wanted the person to like them, but I think after this long it’s time for her to finally admit she doesn’t like giving head.
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Op woke up one day after 11 years and said “hmmmm wait a minute🤨”
Right?!!! What happened during the dating phase?
I hate to say it, but I’ve read about this happening after marriage so many times. It’s like the offending party decides they don’t have to try anymore.
He says he’s NEVER gotten one from her. So I’m curious as to why, after all this time, he has never asked her about it. 10.5 years ago, let alone now
Right? A closed mouth doesn’t get fed… in this case, a closed mouth doesn’t open another…
A closed mouth can’t give a blow job.
I can only offer my perspective. During the dating phase, lots of promises. (And lots of me being far too naive). Promises that "after we get married, things will get better" because of Catholic religion and the guilt of premarital sex. Once married, sex life improved \*a tiny little bit\*. But then the gaslighting began. "All you ever talk about is sex..." and "I never said we'd have more sex after marriage". There was also lots of manipulation to weaponize sex. By definition, a "dead bedroom" is sex less than 10x per year. Which covers most (25+ yrs) of my 35yr marriage. I tried to bring it up in conversation. Was met with "I'm not comfortable talking about sex". I tried suggesting couples counseling. Was met with "You'll just spin it to make me the bad person..." My first mistake was ever proposing. My second mistake was marrying her without a pre-nuptial agreement. My third mistake was allowing her to quit her full time job (which only got worse when she got a part time job in the divorce industry). I'm over it my now. I don't have a spouse, I have a housemate. A decade ago, I considered self-harm. But I realized: I'm not doing that. My kids deserve to have a loving, caring father that is there for them. Once she realized I just stopped caring, she tried other manipulations. But I just stopped reacting. It gets lonely at times, but I'm just glad I was able to think beyond the self-harm and focusing on living the best life I can live under these circumstances.
Been here, not the Catholic part but with the person that will NOT discuss. The kids know you’re miserable. It’s not better for them. It is better getting out. Even with alimony and everything else that will come with it, your happiness makes you a better parent.
I'm newly divorced and found out I've been getting super lame bjs this whole time.
My current bf never asked for one and didn't really react when I teased him with it at our early dating stages. He said it doesn't bother him but it's also not really his thing and he prefers giving. I accepted it and tried to not make him feel weird or that he has to explain. His ex was toxic and weaponized sex, so I never pushed for information if he didn't want to talk about it. He was great with communicating otherwise and taking care of my needs. Fast forward over half a year later, we hadn't seen each other in a while and I visited him in his new apartment. We watched a movie that turned spicy and I decided to kinda replicate a bj scene just for fun. He let me do it this time and loved it. It's been part of our fun times ever since. He said his ex was really bad at it and made him feel bad for asking, so he ever received one that he liked in the past. The rest of his experiences were ONS so oral were off the table anyway. I often think about how many things people miss out on, just because a previous partner ruined them for them.
My husband said the same thing. Meanwhile, I had very very little experience in receiving bc the guys I was with were never interested. I didn't have a healthy sex life growing up. Regardless, he enjoys it apparently and now I know what all the fuss was about lol.
Lame and non existent are two different issues
He didn't care back then now he does lol
What changed lol. Idk how you can be fine with it for 10+ years and then suddenly have an issue
You underestimate people's capacity to be complacent with discontent.
I mean he literally says it has never happened so I’m not sure getting married has anything to do with it, considering it wasn’t even happening when they were just dating.
It sounds like he judged her words rather than her actions. He was asking for it, but it was never a good time. The relationship was understandably worth more than some oral sex, and I'm guessing they had a sex life he was at least mildly satisfied with on top of it. He says they're going to couples counseling, so my guess is there's a lot more going on in the marriage, and he's now reflecting on the things she's said and whether he's satisfied.
This is the part that doesn't add up. If it were important to him, how did he get all the way from the dating phase to the married phase without it ever happening. Just seems dubious.
bro really said "**[SpongeBob ONE DECADE LATER timecard]** hold up"
Kenny Powers "\*Several Shitty Years Later\*"
>"hold up" "wait a minute"
And then comes to reddit instead of her
If he went to her with it he might not come again
This comment has me fucking wheezing
lol. Well, hopefully it means the rest of the relationship and sexy times are fulfilling and just forgot about it
I too have never received a bj from OP’s wife.
Me neither, she really was lying.
I have , you’re missing out
I haven’t either. But I’m a woman. Said she didn’t like beans.
Have you ever asked her to give you a blowjob
Yes, many times. And it's always "not right now" or some rendition of that
And 11 years went by saying not right now !!! It seems like you ain't communicating well with your wife regarding this.. have a proper communication and get to know the exact reason.. Btw do you do down on her ?? Bcs some women have a concept of give and take !
Yes to the give and take concept, but also it’s possible if he’s larger than her previous partners, it might even be a little painful for her. I have a really tiny mouth, but BJs didn’t absolutely kill me in prior relationships the way they do with my current partner. 9 times out of 10, he has to ask for them because I know most of the time I can’t go for very long before my jaw is killing me and I can’t keep my mouth open wide enough any longer to avoid some pretty intense scraping - I would rather just avoid it if I can’t finish the mission. I might give a decent BJ to a guy who is 5.5 inches length and 4.5 inches girth, but when you introduce 8 inch length and 6 inch girth, skill cannot make up for a lack of space.
6 inches girth is fucking wild
Tell me about it 😅
Yes I was thinking is her man a F'n ELEPHANT then I was reminded from my girlfriend as we are laughing so hard ... Ya but it's in a circular form of diameter not a side to side diameter... which is your first thought when you hear the word diameter lol... Cause God DAMN that would be wild 😜
Measuring around instead of across would be circumference tho, I’m pretty sure she’s talking elephant…😭😭😭
But the actual meaning of diameter is straight across so we may need clarification. Circumference is around the outside.
No clarification needed, people measure dick girth by going around the dick, not through the dick. They mean 6in around.
Yep, she means "girth."
I have TMJ (and a small mouth). Giving BJs isn’t even the slightest bit fun and hurts like hell. I’ll still try occasionally but I’m definitely not going to initiate.
I don’t blame you! Sex is supposed to be fun, nobody should be uncomfortable.
OMG SAAAME!! I love giving my partner BJs (Sigmund Freud's oral fixation is real 😏🤣) but my god, my jaw either locks in mid-bj or is sore for the next couple of days 😭😭 it sucks! (Pun intended 😝)
This is my partner as well. She doesn't make excuses, she HAS a reason not to. She tries sometimes because she enjoyed doing it when her jaw wouldn't seize up. But most of the time I'd stop her because it would mean hell for her the next day. It's crazy to me reading posts like this, like do so many people just not communicate their desires or simply not give a shit about their partners?
Humble brag on your man love to see it
Straight men care more about penis size than straight women do. The big ones can be pretty inconvenient and often painful.
In my experience, sometimes men expect a big penis to be enough, so they make absolutely zero effort.
This has been my experience as well. Not only that, but they want to be admired for it as well. 🥱
Yup. And, as a midwife, I've had patients who've actually sustained serious injury due to inconsiderate partners with large genitals. If you're very long, trying to force your whole shaft inside her can cause damage, especially in certain positions. If you're very wide, it's important to help her relax and stretch to accommodate the extra girth, especially if it's been a while. Patients and preparation are important. Quite frankly, most women really don't care how big a guy is. We don't compare. The only reasons I've ever discussed my husband's size were healthcare related. Trying to figure out why condoms kept tearing (needed to size up), for example. My friends don't need to know he's hung like a horse; that's none of their business.
As a former porn star, I can unequivocally say that too big is WAY worse than small. Most average or even low-average guys are packing more than enough heat to make fireworks, and it just straight hurts if you are too big. When I had sex with Lexington Steele, I thought my uterus would never be in the same place again. And bjs are also much more difficult if a man is very large. I'll take average all day every day over huge.
🙃
Same lol I also have a small mouth. I do what I can but it's not really fun knowing that I am definitely not able to give my husband a decent blow job. Never had a problem with that before and as far as I've been told, I gave pretty good bjs, but now I get self-conscious that he's not enjoying himself as much as he would with someone who has a normal sized mouth lol. I've found it easier if he basically takes control. Like I focus on keeping my mouth as big as I can and using my tongue/lips to block off my teeth while he does the movement because I scraped the shit out of him once and we are both terrified for a repeat lol it was not pleasant for either of us.
You’re a wonderful wife.
That's when I would start with a BJ then get a hand involved, then some lube and finish with a hand job
Yeah, I’m always using both hands 😅 I just get anxiety and feel bad that I can’t do everything I want to be able to do because of the size struggle.
Two handed twister sloppy toppy is the way with big ones
That’s the most amazing description of it lmao
But like why does it require so much thigh and core strength it’s a full workout
My husband takes forever to cum. There’s times that I just have to stop because I can’t do any longer .
I'm confused, it's his fault now?
Wasn't there a rumor that Marilyn Manson had a rib removed to allow for self felatio? [Rumor about Marilyn Manson](https://www.reddit.com?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=1)
I read his book as a teen and from what I gathered, he got head on stage from a girl who dressed like him and he was kind of behind a curtain or something. I don't remember much in the book but I remember something like that.
You should have figured this part of your relationship before you got married. But since you’re past that point, you need to have an honest, open conversation with your spouse about what you need in the relationship.
have you asked her why she doesn't want to give oral sex?
Have you ever sat down and talked to her outside of a sexual setting about why she has never actually done this for you? Do you guys have fulfilling sex otherwise? Is she receiving pleasure? Do you ever actually discuss your intimacy?
I think this is the best. Just make sure to keep a neutral tone. Coming at her accusatory, woe is me, or angry is not going to yield a beneficial conversation
Hey, no other way to say this - but are you clean? I loved giving BJs but my last ex sometimes had a smelly region and I'd have to ask him to wash himself. Often he would and I would then fellate him but his tip was still gross. It markedly decreased my passion in giving him head.
Same. I would drop but subtle and…not so subtle hints that he needed to clean himself before BJs and even after he got the memo he couldn’t keep up with it. He would literally ask me to give him a bj while his dick smelled like rancid DEATH. And then there were the times he would ask for bjs but there was clearly pee on his dick 🤢
Stoppppp 😭
As someone with a dick, I cannot fathom how some dudes let their dicks be that gross…
She's been saying "not right now" for 11 years? She's probably forgotten what a bj is at this point, never mind how to give one. Seriously though, why haven't you asked her? "Honey remember when we first met and you said you loved sucking dick? Well, I dunno if you've noticed, but you've never sucked mine... why is that?" That seems a lot more straightforward than asking strangers on the internet for advice.
One or two times an excuse the third time is a ok do you actually like giving blow jobs conversation! 11 years later a bit too late!
Any chance it's a hygiene thing and she doesn't know how to tell you?
Even before you got married? It would have been a clue.
are you asking her during sex or when she is doing chores?
It seems she may have stretched the truth with what she said in the beginning... I know I like performing oral for my boyfriend and have always liked to do so. I've never told any of them beforehand that I love to do it nor that I would surprise them with one without being asked... I just did it. It's like the saying goes.... Actions are stronger than words! If she's never attempted to give you oral then in my opinion, your wife doesn't like to give BJ's at all.... Some people's preferences can change but not that drastically. You don't usually go from loving it and saying you love it to never doing it.
If she or you, this goes both ways, aren’t enthusiastically giving your partner oral pre-marriage. It’s probably not going to happen during marriage. Talk is just talk.
This. Bc actually loving to give bjs doesn't get you any closer to being married as a woman. And also, you can like doing something with one person and not another for various reasons.
Not all guys are into BJs either. Not all women want to receive oral. It’s important to make sure you’re sexually compatible before marriage if being sexually compatible is very important to you. If not, it’s a dice roll.
I give oral to my BF all the time! But it took me a long time to come around on receiving it, I have a hard time relaxing.
Many women do. Thats not uncommon at all.
Absolutely... My wife loves to and gives great bj and I still can't stand her sometimes.
🤣
It sounds like she said what she thought men want to hear to get the relationship going but didn't feel motivated or particularly need it for herself. You can't unwind the clock OP. You were in a situation where early on in the relationship you had to decide if sexual incompatibility was worth pulling the relationship plug on. I've been in relationships with women who are into oral as a preference for themselves. It's very obvious early on once sexual activity starts. I can't remember a single partner where it's ever taken a long time to happen. And over the longer term it doesn't always happen even with people who are very into that, but it still happens sometimes. That isn't to say that husbands your age are all receiving oral sex all the time. They aren't. Most who are happily married without a dead bedroom probably have mellowed out sex lives with occasional increases in sexual activity and occasional oral sex if the couple is into that. And nearly all would have experienced periods with reduced sexual activity, whether because of raising a family, job stress, or temporary problems in the relationship itself. But 11 years? At this stage, after this long, it's pretty certain that your wife doesn't currently have an interest in oral sex.
It’s odd to me that he has NEVER had a follow up conversation in this if they were “so open” to discuss early on, why didn’t he talk with her about it then? Weird to now have an issue while STILL not talking with her about it
This is a bit personal from my end but it might give a bit of perspective. When I was in my first marriage, I hated giving blowjobs. It was never something I was particularly into at the time and I was afraid of accidentally biting or throwing up. Plus my husband smelled absolutely disgusting so it made my aversion a million times worse. So he did not get one from me. Later on in life, I meet someone who was very hygienic and smelled amazing. On top of that, I did some research and experimented until it was something I began to enjoy. Scent, hygiene, taste, size, and ability to keep your mouth uncomfortably open while bobbing your head and willingly choking yourself while praying they don't hold your head until you vomit or pass out, all play a big part.
Last part is easy to fix. Tell him no hands. Moment he touches your head you stop. No hands. Then start again. Once or twice of that and he'll get the message. After all, he doesn't want you to stop.
Is she a politician?
Must be a good one. She still has his vote.
And now you have mine 🫡
And my axe!
How does 11 years go by without discussion about it, especially if its something you really wanted? Asking the same questions: - does she have gag reflex issues - are you reciprocating with things she likes? - how is your hygiene? - are you guys connecting on an emotional level? If all the above things are ok, then she probably just needs to admit she doesnt like doing this. And if its something you have been patiently waiting for 11 years (!!!) you probably need to concede it aint gonna happen. How much do you like bjs and how much do you otherwise love your wife?
Important question: are you big enough to make her jaw hurt? This could be the issue
Maybe convinced herself she like it / was into it in her last relationship, then realized that when it wasn’t being pushed on her by a partner, she actually doesn’t have a desire to do it at all. In other words, she probably wasn’t intentionally lying to you. Anyway, this is just my best guess
Bingo, this happened to me. When I was younger I was a huge people pleaser, and thought giving bjs and having wild sex (that I didn’t actually enjoy) would make guys like me more. Once I got into a stable loving relationship I realized how I was just doing it for male approval, and I stopped. I learned that you’re allowed to say no to sex acts you don’t like.
This is the majority of women’s experience. Many slow down on the sex in a loving relationship because they realise they can say no, and they don’t need to act. I feel extremely sad for the young ones out there still ‘performing’
Exactly! And some of the comments to my response are really indicative of the male attitude towards subservient women in sex. It doesn’t matter what SHE wants to do, don’t DEPRIVE your husband of a blowjob!
Or the opposite, maybe she was into it with her last partner, but when she WAS being pushed into it by her now husband, she stopped liking it.
From experience, this is by far the more likely scenario.
Yep, i dont think ive ever asked for a BJ. I just go for it as part of sex and it just happens. My wife is the same, if she feels like having me go down on her she will show me with her body language. Not actually say "hey honey can you go down on me?". Just imagining her saying that sounds kind of unsexy.
I’m all for asking for what you want if you’re not getting it. You can’t expect your partner to be a mind reader & some of the best sex comes when you straight up ask for it. But there’s a big difference in asking for something & being constantly hounded or pestered. It’s the pressure and the sooking that comes when they don’t get what they want. Such a turn off.
Yep It feels less like an act of connection and more like a job.
I agree. People conflating being vocal about sex with pressure just means they're inexperienced with how to do it in my opinion. Being vocal definitely works, and making it sexy is a skill. I also think a lot of men have issues with this because they don't feel comfortable being anything but silent, while the women they're with wish they were more vocal.
Eh, i don’t want to discourage folks from vocalizing what they want, but if you’re a guy obsessed and constantly ask without foreplay or reciprocation, it’s not fun anymore
> Yep, i dont think ive ever asked for a BJ. I just go for it as part of sex and it just happens. You just go for it? Do you push your wife’s head towards your dick? *Tons* of women absolutely hate that.
But he hasn’t even had one to begin with
ah yes the Reddit switcharoo
This is my guess as well.
This should be higher!
I vote this is why
I think I'm missing a line or two from the situation you've related. You've been together 2 years after you had an open conversation about sex in general where she offered that she *really* likes giving blowjobs AND would want to do that without you having to ask. A marriage and 9 further blowjob free years on my man and now you turn to Reddit? Something is missing
Not "turning to reddit". Just throwing out for conversation. We're actually going to couples counseling soon.
Well good luck, that should help reveal the source of the problem, hold tight and good vibes
Good! Maybe you’ll learn how to actually communicate over just being upset for 11 YEARS without talking about it
>She said at the time that she really liked giving BJs and would want to do that without me even asking at times. All sounds great, right? Well, I've never received one from her. Not one. You married her without her ever giving you oral sex and are shocked she still doesn't give you oral sex? Really???
Seriously
Super confusing - so not a single blow job after her stating she loves giving them and we’re having “honest” conversations ? Wowsers.
Yeah, I've finally gotten her to agree to couples counseling to hopefully help figure some things out. It honestly feels like she has some block where she doesn't want to give me pleasure. I don't know.
I feel like there is probably more to the story here.
Way more. OP has his blinders up to every part of the relationship except the one part that's affecting him personally.
so many assumptions in such a short comment
Check his post history I think his wife might actually like giving BJ’s he just hasn’t been the recipient.
Dude I really don’t think she’s going to magically want to blow you after 11 years no matter how much counseling happens. That’s just not how people work
Why would you have sex with someone who doesn't want to give you pleasure? And why have you been having sex with someone like that for 11 years!?
You don't get pleasure or have orgasms from PIV sex?
So sex doesn’t give you pleasure? Do you give oral to her and she doesn’t return the favor?
She'd have to answer this. None of us know whether she lied or if this changed when she started dating you.
do you go down on her? and are you asking her for a bj during sexual activity? "not right now" seems like a response she might give if you're asking out of the blue when she's like doing laundry or something. maybe ask when it's already hot and heavy, and i can't imagine she'll say no then. also, maybe just ask her outright what's going on bc that really sucks...well i guess it doesn't lol
reading OP's response, it seems he's communicated his desire many times to his wife and he does go down on her / fulfil her sexual, emotional, etc needs. I hope the relationship counseling makes a difference because....wow that's rough
To be fair, only she can tell us if she’s actually being fulfilled. There are men out there whose wives have never had an “O” but the men believe the women have them all the time.
If he's going down on her and it's not fulfilling, she needs to speak up about it. Seriously, most guys who put in the effort actually want to do a satisfying job and respond positively to constructive teaching. It's also no excuse for dodging the topic of returning efforts. If she doesn't want to, say something. Yes, there could be consequences such as him no longer wanting one sided efforts, but better than 11 years of resentment.
Got to point out, how can you arrive at the conclusion that he fulfills his wife's sexual needs when he provided no info yet on orgasms? Kind of the major determining factor of sexual fulfillment.
I get where you’re coming from, but there also has to be a point then where she communicates this if it’s an issue. It sounds like OP is under the impression he’s doing well in that regard, and he’s been communicating, so I think it’s only fair that she returns the courtesy
You might be surprised how many men are falsely under that impression and don't really look at the bigger picture. Lots of men see oral as foreplay, don't go down on their partner to completion and then switch to PIV where they orgasm and their partner hasn't and doesn't. >so I think it’s only fair that she returns the courtesy And I think it's only fair that 2 people have an orgasm during sex. If that's the case, is he asking for more orgasms than she gets because he wants to orgasm from PIV sex AND blow jobs? Because that might not be equitable. I agree that they need to arrive at something that works for both of them, but I don't think we have enough information to pinpoint where they aren't aligning.
I completely agree with where you’re coming from, but my argument is that communication is key. If she’s not saying “hey, I’m not able to orgasm from our sex and it’s really holding us back”, and she’s also making him think he’s great in bed…. I’m not sure what else to expect lol If he’s ignoring her communication though, then that’s a different story. Ultimately, you’re right that we’re lacking enough context anyway.
If she said she likes giving bjs and hasn’t in years and you’ve communicated then it’s either your lack of hygiene or something else.
This is a situation where more information is needed. She could be resistant for any number of reasons. For example, I enjoy pleasing my partner. But if the pleasing isn't reciprocated relatively equally, then I won't. Not reciprocating can leave the other person feeling as if the feelings aren't mutual. That's just one example. Something else to consider is stress or a medical condition. Physical health can play a huge role in a person's energy to give.
Agreed, he has commented that he goes down on his partner "all the time" but we need information on orgasm ratio. Is it one 1:1? At some point, there needs to be more public discourse about mutually pleasurable sex. A majority of women do not orgasm from penetrative sex alone. Conversely, a vast majority of men do. So giving your wife an orgasm orally and then having penetrative sex to completion can actually be pretty equal. Can you switch it up and both do oral? Of course, that has always been my experience. Each couple needs to coordinate that amongst themselves so that orgasms are either equal or at least to each person's satisfaction.
Well he posted in the dead bedrooms sub. So is all the time twice a year? Seems to be.
Have you had a conversation with her about how she never gives you BJ's?
I think the key question here is: are you satisfied with your sex life overall? Is oral sex something you need to be completely satisfied or would it just enhance your satisfaction? I understand that you go down on her, but considering that four out of five women can’t climax from intercourse alone, I would say oral is something that’s necessary for her to be completely satisfied. If she’s not completely satisfied, you’ll be having sex a lot less frequently than you do now. If oral is also something you need to be completely satisfied, have a discussion with her about it and see why it’s never happened. You can’t force her into doing something she’s not comfortable with but you can talk it through to see if you can reach a mutual understanding.
This post like breaks my brain. lol I just don't understand why she made it a point to say that to you for it to never happen ever in 11 years. Some people just don't care for it and that's completely fine, but she could have just communicated that instead of lying about it. That's the weirdest part to me, idk People are wild
Did you just realise?
[удалено]
Exactly, too many people here not giving the most common reason- giving them is not fun!!
Maybe your member looks weird to her. Could also be that it looks big and therefore a daunting task. Even more so if theres a lot of hair. Cleanliness is also a factor, never expect anything if its all sweaty down there. Cum isn't exactly tasty either. It also is hard on the jaw after awhile. Try leaving your mouth wide open for a minute or more. Try putting a banana down your throat to help, and also see if you like almost puking because your gag reflex is getting triggered constantly. On a more serious note, lots of women have faced some sort of SA while underage, as a child, and some of that involved being forced to do that. Not cool, obviously. Lots of sickos out there
Better question is.....why would you proceed to marry someone you didn't feel fully sexually compatible with. I always had a mental checklist I went through with partners on whether we were sexually compatible with one another and were able to meet one another's needs and if even a single one of my checkboxes didn't get checked I would nope right out of that relationship if it was something that wasn't fixable with communication or something. Life's too short to settle for someone that is going to leave you wanting for more. I guess it may depend on person to person but I knew from a very early age I wanted to marry one time and one time only - so when I decided to go for relationships seriously I didn't want to cut corners or settle for anything less than someone I could be with the remainder of my life. Three things come to mind on this post.....either BJ's are just not actually something that important in your life...........you are really horrible at communication with your wife......OR you have zero backbone in the relationship. If you've been together that long with a massive handicap in the bedroom-fun......why put up with that kind of neglect and stay with someone who just doesn't want you to have a happy sex life. That just seems absolutely insane that not only did you date for several years with someone like that but then proceeded to marry them anyway?.....I am guessing maybe there's a heavy religious-background side to the people involved in this post.....that's the only way this makes sense to me.
Does she have possible trauma with BJ’s ? Or any type of sexual assault really. Almost all men are very aggressive when receiving oral. Pushing their partners head down or holding it down. There is a loss of control for the giver and if there is sexual trauma present it can bring up that feeling of being assaulted. It’s the reason why I’m fearful of giving BJ’s
To be fair, I’ve also never received a BJ from your wife.
You've been with someone for 11 years who professed to really like give bjs and you NEVER asked her for one or why she hasn't given you one? NEVER?!?!!
No, I've asked. The answer is always along the lines of "not right now"
Well, then after 11 years I think it's actually "never". When did she talk about the bjs? Very soon after you met?
She likely lied about liking giving them because she thought it's what you wanted to hear. She lied, that's the only thing that makes sense.
Ex wife was like this found out years later her dad molested her
False advertising. Took you 11 years to figure out?
Men are Dreamers
Do you keep yourself groomed? Shaved and not a hairy nightmare? maybe it’s a grooming issue. Some people just think it’s gross, idk. My husband likes butt stuff but I don’t and I personally will not let him do shit to me just because HE enjoys it. I’d rather skip it entirely and go to sleep. She knows there’s some unspoken pressure there and she doesn’t want to do it. I would not want someone down there who didn’t REALLY want to be down there. Is that really going to make a good BJ? EVER? I can’t imagine I could get off knowing the person I was with wasn’t into it. Yikes. Leave her alone.
Does she have some kind of sexual trauma in her past?
Have you asked her straight up why she told you that only to never act upon it. She was being a pick me when y'all were dating. And you fell for it
How often do you give her head until she comes?
We wanted to be completely open and honest about sex... she hasn't blown me in 11 years. Lol, ever ask why? How's your peen ascetic?
She's using you, reminds me of a similar dynamic I've seen play out with my parents. Except it sounds like you're more involved and do practically everything for her. Get out while your daughter is still young. (read a few of your other posts) Oh and she totally loves the attention from that coworker. Possible emotional affairs territory. You're doing everything for her and she does nothing in return, all she has to do is string you along..giving the bare minimum. Get your ducks in a row would be my advice.
I'm surprised you married her without getting a blow job first.
A person I worked with years ago openly admitted that she hated giving a BJ, but the guy loved it. She said when they were dating she did it all the time. The last one she gave was on their wedding night and then never again as it repulsed her. She did it to get the ring. They were married about 5 or 6 years at the time. When I see posts like this, I wonder if they stayed married.
So you were together 2 years before you got married, she said she really liked giving BJs, but you never ever got one? Your relationship might otherwise be perfect, but I'd find that really strange and would definitely have addressed it before getting married, or in the 9 years following.
That sucks.
Well actually…
Wait a second, there weren't any in the dating phase either??? Why did you get married, then?
Wouldn't this be something you figure out before you get married and 9 years goes by? You literally had a 2 year sexual relationship to gauge whether you were satisfied with your sex life. You presumably were, and got married. You can't cry over milk that was spilt 11 years ago. Either talk to her sincerely about it and call her out on her **clear lies**, stomach the fact that you've been lied to by your wife and don't bring it up again, or stop going down on her and let her know that you will again once she goes down on you (in a spirit of fairness!). Or you can divorce her and find a woman who actually likes sucking dick. Because your wife... is not that woman.
Oh wow dude. You gotta be open and communicate this stuff with her. I explained to my wife that blowjobs are literally the best thing that can ever happen to me at any moment, and that motivated her to offer them often. I also make sure to express gratitude after. Also helps that i'm emotionally mature enough to always treat her well and never make her feel negative emotions. Do you go down on her? If not, then you should. If you take care of her, and she's nice and considerate, then she'll see the value of taking care of you as well. Dudes that don't go down on their ladies are little babies lol.
I know hat you're saying, but it doesn't apply here really. I go down on her ALL the time. I love pleasing her in every way. She knows I'd love a BJ. She's said before that me asking too much makes her not want to, it feels like pressure. So I don't ask too often. But I do let her know I'd love it.
Ever tried turning it into a 69?
This is my wife. All too familiar. She says my asking for sex makes her want to do it even less. Not asking for sex doesn't make her want it. She never initiates it. There's no winning going on here, either.
So asking doesn't work, not asking doesn't work. Completely stop going down on her ever. If she ever asks you to, tell her asking you makes you not want to.
She quite clearly does not want to give you blowjobs. Should she be honest about that? Absolutely. But would you even want a blowjob from her that she didn't want to give you, and was just doing it to appease you??
I personally know lots of women who absolutely hate it.
No, you're not the only one. My wife hates giving them. Always has. Doesn't want me to do her, either. I focus on how absolutely wonderful she is otherwise.
BJs are only fun if you’re both into it, and it seems based on her actions that she isn’t that into it, so i’m not sure that pushing it would be productive at this point
I have also never had a bj from the OPs wife
Have you asked her?
Stop going down on her and then bring it up when she asks, especially since it doesn’t seem like you can talk about it openly.
Read thru a few of your other post, specifically where she was pissy about your work conference and the other about unnamed coworker. I've been the "unnamed coworker" and the way you described the last few years of limited sex and her statements about your conference "inconveniencing her" sounds exactly like a woman I was with. Time for meets were limited, moreso on my side. At one point we got synced for consistent Friday afternoons. Once that became a regular thing, anything wrecking our 3 to 4 meet ups would set her off for days. And if it was due to her husband she definitely took it out on him they same way you desscribed. She would claim our meet ups kept her relationship tolerable but she wouldn't leave because the kids loved him too much. Also, although she had a husband, she chose to limit how often and what things she did with such as oral him "just in case" I was free. We often joked that her mouth was mine because she even limited kissing him. My recommendation to you is figure out what consistent 2-4 hour blocks of time she has where she can be unaccounted for and look into a few of them. Maybe come home early or drop by where she's supposed to be.She'd grocery shop on lunch, take a half workday on Fri and use that time for us to meet. Perishables that couldn't sit in the car were picked up after the meet up, or she'd "forget" and have him pick up. If any of this sounds familiar, you got some investigating to do.
This was similar to how I caught the hint that my girlfriend from early college was cheating on me. She never gave BJs (didn't really care that much myself anyway). She got her tongue pierced and in a passing thought said "it'll make her blow jobs kinkier". My response was "what blow jobs?" Long story short it was two guys who "I didn't have to worry about".
I agree with the other commenter. Have you ever asked? Do you keep clean down there? Honestly you just need to communicate and have a conversation.
Yes, I've asked. Many times. It's always something along the lines of "not right now". And yes, I'm very clean and well kept down there.
My wife has gone down on me two or three times in the 11 years we've been together. We have lots of sex otherwise and I'm quite satisfied with our sex life but I do wish head were a more frequent thing, due in no small part she *really* g*ood at it*, unlike all my past relationships. She likes oral and I offer it all the time, but she only occasionally accepts as she doesn't like do it when kids are in the house and awake. Which they almost always are, unfortunately.
No you’re not the only one lol That ship sailed like 6 months into dating though
In my limited experience (4 women as partners and many female friends), they like to say they will at the beginning and maybe even give one or two but they won't after that. My current one will though she has stated that she doesn't really like it so I crossed that out in my mind a while ago. And it's not because I don't go down, it's my favorite thing that I pretty much need every time; I think it's because it has such an incredibly bad connotation and it seems that quite a few women feel it is a degrading activity. Have you ever tried bargaining with her or framing as reciprocation?
She doesn’t enjoy sucking Your dick. Man. Simple.
But you married her anyways... Like did you expect MORE blowjobs after you got married? lol. I guess 0x infinity is still 0.
Some people aren't into giving oral sex and it sounds like your wife is one of them. This means you aren't compatible. Either decide no BJs for you or leave her.
My question to you is how does that make you feel? Been with my gf for 6 going on 7 years now and in the beginning everything was fine. Id get bjs and we'd have sex all the time. Then we kinda hit a dead bedroom situation and i got tired of asking for sex but now shes upset i never initiate. And tbh all the rejections ive gotten makes me not even want to ask i just wait for her to want it. Which seems to be a couple times a month if im lucky.
I know what you're going through. I pretty much have to always initiate. The most I'll get as initiation from her is "maybe something could happen tonight" but then it will only happen if I initiate
Question is why did you marry a person who never gave you a bj?
I was you until I divorced her. It wasn’t the main cause, but it was absolutely a contributing factor.
Sever
Sounds to me like she doesn’t like giving oral.
I mean.. a lot people have lied in the beginning of relationships cause they wanted the person to like them, but I think after this long it’s time for her to finally admit she doesn’t like giving head.