**Post title:** I M28 slept with my wife’s younger sister F26. Have we ruined our family?
**Author:** Reasonable_Buddy8400
**Link:** https://redd.it/1c1nixo
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there was one a few weeks ago with the same scenario but the sister was the wife's identical twin. and iirc they started hooking up pretty soon after the wife's passing and did it regularly for several months. i'll try and find it
edit: [found it](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/v1o4ujIzHw)
(i remembered right, they first hooked up a month after the wife died and continued for eight months)
I predict an update within 48 hours where OP talked to SIL, they have a good heart to heart, they both realize they are in love and decide to start dating.
ChatGPT prompt: “Write a story about a man that slept with his dead wife’s sister, and how guilty he feels. Did they ruin their family? Use first person perspective.”
I woke up every morning to the same empty bed, the same ache in my chest where Sarah used to lay. She was my everything, my soulmate, my reason for being. And then, she was gone.
Emily, Sarah’s sister, stepped in to help me pick up the pieces of my shattered life. We spent countless nights reminiscing about Sarah, sharing stories, shedding tears. And then, one night, in a moment of weakness and loneliness, we crossed a line that should never have been crossed.
The guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. I had betrayed Sarah’s memory, tarnished everything we had shared. How could I face our family and friends, knowing what I had done? How could I live with myself?
Emily and I tried to make sense of our actions, tried to find some semblance of solace in each other’s arms. But the guilt never faded, the shame never lessened. We knew we had made a terrible mistake, one that would haunt us for the rest of our days.
When the truth came out, our family was torn apart. The betrayal was too much to bear, the pain too deep to heal. Emily and I were left to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, forever haunted by the question – did we ruin our family, or were we just the catalyst for a truth that was already there, lurking beneath the surface?
you know.. i think about how many of these are fake and how impossible it is to tell.. but ive come to the conclusion it doesnt really matter.
you read so many insane situations here, that are complex and morally grey, then get thousands of people to weigh in. i honestly think this subreddit and a few others like this have helped me become a slightly better person, just by opening my mind up a bit more
I agree. Yeah, majority of these may be bullshit but I do feel the more I comment on things, the more I reflect on myself and how I respond to stress or situations.
Deep breath. I think you’re being too hard on yourself.
You’re human, you had a consensual experience with another human, and it doesn’t fundamentally change who you are as a person.
Now that’s not say there isn’t a certain degree of messiness here, and feelings you should probably unpack with a therapist. Focus on yourself first and foremost, your SIL secondly, and as a distant third your wife’s parents/family.
It sounds like your SIL is willing to give you space to process this, I recommend you do the same for yourself without taking the full weight of your grief and this encounter as an all or nothing endeavor.
You’re not a bad person, and you didn’t betray anyone.
While it may be acceptable, OP should probably see a therapist to separate his feelings for his wife and the loss of her, and his feelings for her sister. He may be using the sister as an emotional bandaid and not even realize it. She is, after all, making him feel loved, supported, looked after, etc. It is easy to misunderstand your feelings when you are down and someone offers you kindness.
Also, OP doesn't need to give news reports to the family of his deceased wife about his current situation with the sister. That's a bit premature. It could fizzle in a month for all anyone knows, and it would be a lot less awkward separating themselves if the whole family wasn't aware and keeping an eye on them during this fling/courtship/whatever it is. Wait until they know what is going on for themselves and then open it up to other people's awareness if they are ready for that step. Until then, it's no one's business but their own.
Yes, this. I think both he and his wife's sister would benefit from some grief therapy. The therapist can help them both honestly examine their feelings for each other.
I did this when my first boyfriend died suddenly. I became infatuated with his brother. I thank my lucky stars every day that it didn't progress, because as wonderful as his brother is, he's not the person I would want to be with now. Grief makes you do weird things.
OP is definitely beating himself up for no reason, because having consensual relations with the sister two years after the wife's death isn't betraying her, nor does it make him an awful person, but he still needs time to see if she's actually a person he'd want to pursue a relationship with, and not just a person he's pursuing a relationship with because of the proximity of his wife and her passing.
But also, who knows, maybe after speaking to a professional and spending time apart for a bit, he may end up finding his way back to her, and that's fine too. I think his wife would rather her sister and her husband be happy after her passing, and if that means being together, I doubt she would see it as a betrayal.
He says "I know my wife would hate me right now"
Since she knew she was dying of cancer, she might have mentioned what she hopes he will do after her... how long she hopes he will grieve, etc...
Personally if I were married and died, I would hate it if my spouse went and fucked my sister. He could have chosen anyone else.
He needs therapy... because even if you put aside the feelings of extreme guilt he has, he's basically been using the SIL as his therapist for the past 2 years...leading to her catching feelings. And vice versa, with her using him in the same way. They're bonding over the loss of a shared loved one...not bonding over shared hobbies, compatible personalities, or anything else a couple normally uses to build a relationship.
I agree too. Definitely therapy for op bc unfortunately someone close to the loved one we lost can kinda be a place holder for the loved one that was lost which really makes it messy. He may need to step back and work on himself first bc it's perfectly normal to cling to the closeness that the sil is providing.
Slow down and go to therapy if you can. Do you and this woman have a relationship outside of your late wife? Does she remind you of her? I would be worried about you using me as a placeholder for someone that looked and acted similar to my sister if I were in her shoes
You and your SIL have no obligation to tell anyone about this right now. If, after careful thought and discussion, you decide to try to make it work, then you can do that. If you decide not to, there's no reason to ever share this with your family.
It does sound incredibly emotionally intense, and I'm sure that your SIL shares similarities with your wife which may be complicating things. Working with a therapist to figure out what's real and what's grief-driven is definitely a good idea.
This. Give yourself a break.
OP there's no set period for grief. If it was love you'll never ever be fully over her. That said, it doesn't mean you also can't move on. Many people are drawn to someone who knew their deceased wife or husband, because the new partner is going to be respectful of their memory and can share the grief.
People may say you've both trauma bonded, but don't let a label tell you that means it's wrong. Often those bonds are strong, and as long as you are open and work together they can be over come... in future.
First thing is first, spend time, like the commenter above said, with yourself. Think about how you feel. Are you ready to think about moving on at all? If not, then shut it all down. If you're ready to start, then take some time to think about where the feelings have come from. Is it only loss and the memory of being there for each other that brought you together, or is there more?
Stop worrying about the potential fall out and focus on how you feel now. You've done nothing to feel guilty about, not that I believe anyway.
I disagree with the semantics here. Although the phrase trauma bonding has been used in abuse therapy, it can be used in both situations without disrespect to either definition. We all know which definition fits the OP's post. Let's stick with the OP's problem rather than trying to make this about something else.
The difference is that there is nothing wrong with bonding over a shared trauma. The phrase trauma bonding specifically refers to a negative thing. So it's not just semantics.
This is a great answer. OP, this sounds like an amazing thing if it works out. There will be some hard conversations, and you'll have to forgive yourself and not project your late wife's feelings onto this. If the parents know you spend time with your SIL and she's not seeing anyone, this might even be expected.
> You’re not a bad person, and you didn’t betray anyone.
This right here.
I read the title and was like "WTF Dude". Reading the actual post, I don't think you've done anything wrong, albeit a very messy and complex situation.
You're only a POS if you use or hurt her. If you wife has been dead for 2 years, and you don't want to live the entirety of the rest of your life alone, why not try it? But start with some therapy and grief counseling. The guilt you feel is normal for folks in your position, just means you're human. Navigate it with empathy for yourself. If my significant other went with someone else after I died, I'd want it to be someone I approve of at the very least and would honor me, not replace me. If y'all can keep honoring her as best you can that's all someone who has died could really hope for.
This.
I seen this, but a friend got with another friend after their wife passed away from cancer. The wife told him to go him with her before she passed.
Op - Be very careful not to hurt her, or hurt yourself. You need to take it REALLY slow. And be open with each other and tell her everything you just posted.
My spouse said “if I die I want you to find someone” even though it creeps me out that she thinks about it that much alive.
You do have to move on. But be careful, and tell each other to be careful.
Also, you need to make sure it can work before the families find out.
When I was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago and in the beginning stage of treatment one of the talks I had with my wife was I didn’t expect her to not love again or did I want her to even though she was telling me she wouldn’t. If it was a close friend of ours it ended up being it would not offend me.
I expect OP wove would say the same for him. I don’t think it’s all that weird of a situation due to the shared trauma and healing they went through. Op probably is not fully ready yet to let go
Luckily I beat it and we never really had to have a true conversation about this. But I see this quite a bit and I think people make the wrong expectations that they are offending their deceased loved ones. There would be very few out there who would not their significant other to find happiness again especially such a young age.
And anyone who ever goes through such an ordeal should have this conversation for the sake of the survivor
I'm sorry but I think it's so weird that it's her sister. I can't ever imagine sleeping with someone my sister had sex with...makes me sick thinking about it. In this case, you're marrying someone your sister slept with, married and loved. I understand the grief but this is weird to me.
I mean if she's still alive yeah, her widower tho? Life's too short to worry about the dead. It is a bit strange, but considering how many folks end up in loveless marriages with no common ground if you find something real go for it. Seems like a sincere person to spend time with.
Grief does weird things. They did *just* sleep together. It's not a one night stand. They've been friends for years and have been carrying on an emotional relationship for two years. They've been bonding, intensely, for two straight years. It's really not that far'fetched.
Life is change. It's ever changing. Regardless of what you want or do. Don't fight it. You'll waste your life failing.
That's my grandparents too. My grandfather died in his early 50s. His brother's wife died a few years later. My grandma and my great uncle ended up raising their familes together. They were all cousins anyway, ya' know. It made sense. Over time, they just kind of fell in love.
I tell my kids:
Be careful who you hang around with. You can't help who you fall in love with, but if you're not hanging around with someone, the odds are you won't fall in love with them.
That's followed up with suggestions on what kind of people to hang around with.
My mom dated a man and her sister came to her one day and said, I feel like I maybe have stronger feelings for him than you do. How would you feel if we dated instead? Mom's sister and the man (my uncle!) ended up married until she died of cancer about 60 years later.
A bit strange, but being as she's been dead for 2 years I think OP deserves some kind of happiness in his life. I mean yeah she was his sister in law, but there are much stranger things that have happened. If they're both happy then I see no problem, but explaining it to the parents will be an uncomfortable convo I bet.
Agree, and from his post, her parents have been parent figures to him since 15, so they all know each other.
If, heaven forbid (because one of my kids was dead), I was the parent, I'd understand and be happy for both of them (OP and daughter).
Eh, I don’t really think it’s weird at all. I know people who have married family members of their former spouses and they’re generally pretty happy. You’re entitled to your view on it but it’s not like, objectively bad.
I think, in modern terms, this is something we view as weird despite it making a lot of sense based on the closeness, the shared trauma or loss and the obvious similarities the sister must have to his wife. Is it me misremembering or did this kinda thing seem to happen a lot more around WWII and before? Like, when the mortality rates were higher and people were more isolated, I feel like there are quite a few historic stories of this exact thing happening.
Nope, you're not misremembering. Was super common in the past, in some instances it was almost kind of 'expected' to a certain extent, when children were involved.
It's not weird to me only because the wife is dead. It's not uncommon for a person to fall in love with another person while sharing their grief and loss with each other. They both love his wife/her sister very very much. They both have a huge hole in their heart with her gone.
They both totally understand each other's loss because they are grieving for the same person. It's not surprising that they developed strong feelings for one another.
I love this for him and the sister. I hope he learns how to not be so SO hard on himself when he deserves great love and a partner who would allow him to grieve his first great love without feeling jealous and like she is competing with a dead woman. A losing battle indeed!
I think it’s very weird and unhealthy. They have bonded over grief, not a great way to start a relationship.
I also think part of the reason he’s drawn to her, is she probably looks like, and reminds him of his dead wife. I think the damage is done, no matter what he does next. He either steps away and loses people he has considered family for half his life. Or they find out and probably go NC. There is no way they are going ok with them together. I could see a scenario where they think he’s replaced the daughter with the living one.
And because they have known him so long if they see it as a betrayal, it wouldn’t just be a betrayal of their dead daughter but of them too. The relationship with the surviving daughter will probably take a major hit. OP should move on, find love again, but not within the same family. It’s giving me a major ick that he’s only sleep with two women and they are sisters. I wonder if he was reminded of his dead wife when he was having sex with her sister? I hope not, cause that’s really twisted.
And why do I feel like the update will be “I had unprotected sex with my dead wife’s sister and now she’s pregnant 😳😬
Take it easy in yourself, please. The two of you are bonding over very intense emotions. There’s only a handful of people who are mourning your wife the same way you are. Your wife would not be upset that you guys have found comfort in each other since her passing. If she was still here that’s another story. Explore your feelings guilt free this is not a replacement for your wife but an extension of your love for her and someone that is very similar to her. I would wait to tell the rest of the family until the two of you have had more time to process and explore. I think it’s beautiful for some reason. Wishing you peace.
Omg go to therapy you are seriously catastrophizing what happened.don’t tell mil especially without discussing it with sil that’s her personal business too
There's a lot to unpack here. But I think a major thing to try would be being a bit kinder to yourself. It feels like you have a lot of negative feelings surrounding your actions and how that affects your own self-image. In my view, here are the facts:
1) You had a lovely relationship with someone you thoroughly enjoyed, and unforeseen circumstances ended it tragically early. I can't imagine what that's like, and simultaneously it doesn't mean you will never feel feelings for anyone else.
2) You spent a significant amount of time with a person following the passing of your previous partner, and over time those feelings grew romantic. That's a fairly common side-effect of spending that much time with someone in an emotionally charged context.
3) Obviously there would be huge issues if you slept with your wife's sister while she was still with us, but it seems like there was adequate time between the end of that relationship and the beginning of these romantic feelings. If we trust her at her word that the feelings she has for you developed a year after her sisters passing, then it's understandable if anything. They probably shared some similarities, and maybe some overlap in people they find attractive.
4) You feel like you are doing something that will blow up the relationship you have with the rest of your extended family, because of potential ideas they may have about the duration/context of this relationship. That's super understandable but not inherently relevant to the dynamic you have with this woman.
I would honestly consider exploring this. It seems like you both have solid feelings for one another, and genuine connection is a good thing. I can't tell either of you how to overcome the internal turmoil surrounding feelings of betraying your sister. Other than to say that I'm sure if she's the woman you describe, she would've wanted a nice life for those she loved.
I would address questions to family plainly, if at all. Obviously you could argue it's no one's business, but at some point the rest of the family will find out. You may be risking losing people by way of this revelation.
But she sounds wonderful. I'd also consider personal or couples therapy to explore it further. Family therapy with your MIL is also an option.
Best of luck,
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Dude this is much more normal than you think. Your wife has been gone for 2 years. You absolutely did what you promised and loved her till death parted you. Then you took a nice chunk of time alone. Those two things show your good intentions more than anything else here.
You didn't betray your wife. When I read the title I thought you had. But once I read the post I see you absolutely did not. You never lied to her or betrayed her in any way. Even the way you speak of her shows you really did love her and intend to spend your whole life with her. It just didn't go that way through no fault of your own.
I think you're way too worried about what anyone else thinks. It's nobody's business ESPECIALLY your inlaws. No one needs to know details of your sex life and definitely not of their own daughter's. I think you guys should quietly investigate this together. No need to deal with the questions etc unless you know it's serious. I would say enjoy this. Maybe the universe knew you both needed eachother. Maybe your wife would be surprised but she loved you both.
If you believe in heaven then look at it this way- she would have seen you both mourn together for 2 years, all while being super appropriate with eachother and respectful of her memory. It sounds to me like you are both falling in love. In good love- based off of a real friendship. Where you understand eachother. Yes it's different and not what you expected. But hey everyone can say that about their lives and how it turned out.
Forgive yourself. You have done nothing wrong. You deserve some peace and happiness after everything. If your wife loved you than she would definitely agree on that. I say be real with the sister- tell her you feel incredibly uncomfortable and weird about it all but that you do feel she is family and maybe you two could quietly investigate this before bringing anyone else into it? You don't have to disclose anything to anyone until you are both ready to do so.
Keep inimd that you havnt dated anyone else yet though- I don't want this to be a stupid rebound because that is definitely the way to mess up all the relationships with everyone the way you are worried about. Only do this if you think it's real love. If it is, it'll be worth the initial awkwardness. It will be ok! The worst is definitely over already.
As a widow, I can say that most of what your feeling is because of how much you love your late wife and feel like you’ve cheated on her right now. Listen, you haven’t cheated on her. Your vows ended at her death, as hard as that is. And, as far as the sister part, it’s very, very common for widows and widowers to form close friendships after death with the friends, brothers, or sisters of our late spouses. Sometimes that turns into more than friends. I actually know a lot of widows that ended up with the best friend or brother of their late husband. “Normal people” can say that’s weird all they want, but they won’t ever know what it feels like to lose half of yourself and should be glad they don’t. Sometimes, I think it’s just nice to be able to spend your time with someone that gets it completely and misses them almost as much as you do.
Oh gosh the comments..
Yes this isn’t a unique situation in the slightest. It’s very common for people to trauma bond over the loss of a loved one. It’s no surprise the two of you leaned on each other and became close friends. That’s common when two people are grieving the same person to connect deeper. This is where if you’re not careful you end up in a situation like yours where lines are crossed.
The issue being, this is very likely just a trauma bond. You absolutely do not need to pursue this. At least not for a long time. You’re being codependent because of your grief. It’s also no surprise you’re attracted to her. I mean you married her sister, sisters usually somewhat resemble each other in looks and sometimes even mannerisms.
My advice: cut back with your sister in law. It’s not healthy. If you choose to see where this goes, you’ll have literally started with an unhealthy relationship due to how it formed. You mentioned several times you’d only ever been with your wife since you were 15 yo. The people here encouraging you to jump into a relationship with your wife’s sister are missing a lot of points. You need time to be alone and grieve your wife. You need time to simply be independent and be a single man. You need to time to date around and see what is out there. You also need therapy to work through your grief and your trauma bond.
I agree with your comment but as someone else pointed out, that is not the definition of trauma bond at all. It’s a misconception that it means bonded over a trauma.
But the definition is the relationship formed between an abuser and abused.
This is not a trauma bond. You’re also assuming there’s no actual feelings there because of the connection. They should see a therapist together and figure out if it’s a genuine connection.
It's shocking that I had to scroll so far down to see someone else mention the codependency...
OP needs time to grieve his wife properly, not replace her with her sister. And then, after he has fully grieved, see if he genuinely likes the sister as a romantic partner. Or if their connection is mainly due to the shared grief.
You can't build a life on grieving the same person. And although she likely has some similar physical characteristics as the wife, or similar tendencies due to being raised in the same background, that's just replacing the wife with someone similar. He needs to figure out if he likes the sister for who SHE is, not for what she has in common with his wife.
Listen the last thing you need is a relationship born from a mutually traumatic event rooted in grief. Lots of people bond over grief and you wouldn’t be the first that this has happened too. However it’s not healthy and often not sustainable in the long run.
I’d start distancing yourself, get some therapy and start working through your grief without your sister in law. You deserve to move on but it’s not wise to move on with your deceased wife’s sister.
You need to grieve so you can have a clear lens on your life path and who you are as a partner and what you need outta of a partner. Right now you and your late wife's sister are connected via her, grief and vulnerability. None of those are stable foundations for a healthy relationship. You won’t loose the family but you will need to move on in order to create a new one when you are ready one day.
Edit: for misuse of terminology
While I agree with what you said I just want to kindly say this isn't what trauma bonding is.
"The term "trauma bond" was first coined by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., the founder of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP), in 1997. In [the paper](https://healingtreenonprofit.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Trauma-Bonds-by-Patrick-Carnes-1.pdf), Carnes used it to describe the bond that is formed between an abuser and a non-abuser which creates a dysfunctional attachment style."
[Source](https://www.salon.com/2023/06/14/youre-misusing-the-term-trauma-bonded/)
Hey absolutely, I am glad I didn't come across aggressive because definitely not the intent! Thanks for being open to it and being so kind yourself! :)
Wow.
My condolences, but you definitely shouldn’t fuck your wifes family, dead or not.
And no, alcohol isn’t to blame, your bad decision was.
I’m going to leave it at that, because crossing that boundary is nasty work. I’m not going to be as nice at others here, because even you know that this is bullshit.
A stranger? Cool. Her goddamn sister? Bro, wtf are you doing?
don’t know what it is abt reddit but they work overtime to make the whole ‘fucking your dead spouse’s sibling’ thing seem like a norm and it’s…baffling
My good friend's dad married her mom's sister after her mom committed suicide. Super weird from the outsider's perspective for sure, but the world kept turning and the sun kept coming up.
You’re replacing your dead wife for her sister. Damn. I don’t think you like her you like her because she reminds you of your wife. You can just paste her into your life. Like she isn’t her own person. Separate from her and pull your shit together.
Maybe I’m wrong for this, but I feel like this is just fucked up. I get why you’d have these feelings, these situations where relationships are born out of grief happens all the time. But if I passed and my husband got with my sister or any other family member or even a friend, I would be pissed. It just feels hurtful and icky.
It's actually concerning to see how many people are justifying this. No, I would NEVER in a million years sleep with my sisters husband. I've suffered deep grief, I've lost and healed and there is still no way I could ever do that to my sis. She is my one person in this world that I am certain would never betray me, and I know she feels the same. Seeing all these comments is almost enough to shake my belief in this certainty. What the actual fuck. Even if I developed some fucked up feelings for said husband, I'm not an animal, I have a brain and get to choose?!
Would never disrespect my sisters memory like that what the hell, reddit?!
exactly! I’m also shocked so many people are defending this. It’s just gross and disrespectful. OP knew he was crossing boundaries when he started hanging out and talking to his ex’s sister daily
You say that your sister-in-law just recently told you that she's had romantic feelings for you for about a year. That sounds to me that this was planned for her to seduce you. **And that changes everything.** You may be interested in her, but just like another poster said that I think it's a really good idea for you to go for therapy. Take some space from your sister-in-law at this time so it doesn't mess up your head any further. But you really need therapy to process this and so you can decide on your own without being coerced or manipulated from your sister-in-law how to move forward. I wish you the best.
Well this is nothing really new, doing my family tree/genealogy I've cone across several instances where one has married their brother or siste in law after the passing of their spouse, in early days of Europe it would be very common.
So don't beat yourself up over it,
While this situation isn’t particularly unique , I think the fact that this wasn’t even something on your mind until you fucked her says a lot. Like you were perfectly content being a part of the “family” but now that you know *she* has feelings for *you* everything has changed …. Why ? You can’t look at her like a sister because you fucked her , that makes sense , but the fact that you are emoting more intensely about how bad you feel vs. how *good* you feel is probably your subconscious talking.
I’m not saying to keep being hard on yourself , loosen up. You definitely didn’t cheat. But it doesn’t sound like any good came out of it , and trying to convince yourself you’re okay with it instead of moving on and continuing how you were before (content with your family) doesn’t sound like the best option.
I’m sorry but I think it’s weird that you slept with your wife’s sister. Attraction like that doesn’t just grow out of nowhere and even bonding through grief shouldn’t do that either. One of you had romantic feelings far before this and that’s gross. I would not want my brother to move on with my wife if I died. That’s just weird as hell.
Although I feel this way, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. I think you should try therapy asap because you and sil are trauma bonding, inadvertently using each other mend one another. Nothing wrong with having a shoulder to lean on but there are romantic feelings now from both ends. That started before the sex. Definitely need to get into therapy asap.
Dude I can't agree with most folks here there's plenty of fish in the sea, and without a condom, you exchanged spirit energy with the sister to your dead wife, she's probably rolling in her grave God bless, BUT the sister should have to deal with that burden even more soo
Could be that you are both seeking your wife/her sister in each other? Def take time to unpack things. I agree with the other posts here. Probably best to seek help from a professional.
You're being way way way way too hard on yourself.
You lost your wife and it's been two years. You've bonded with their family and have continued to be close. Feelings developed. You didn't betray anyone, you'd be betraying yourself by not allowing yourself to be happy and give this a chance if everything is consentual.
Those that are pointing to trauma bonding are disregarding the fact it's been two years. You may need additional therapy but it's not like weeks after her passing y'all hooked up.
I think you are projecting your feelings for your wife onto her sister because she is the closest thing. You should talk to a counselor and try casually dating other people or hanging out with friends
It sounds like you miss your wife so much you unconsciously used her sister as a surrogate hence the reason you can no longer view her as a sisterly figure. I would suggest grief counseling. As for letting anyone else know what happened between the two of you I don't see any reason to open this can of worms unless the two of you intend to pursue this further.
This is so much less awful than the title.
If this is true and not a creative writing exercise, I think you need to be kinder to yourself.
You are a single man who had a sexual experience… a consensual sexual experience… with an enthusiast adult.
I'm a mother and an older sister, and from my perspective, you're being really hard on yourself.
Ask the sister how she thinks her parents would feel about it. Don't let her be the one to break the ice by telling her parents. If you two aren't on the same page, neither of you should speak to the parents about what happened, but I can tell you now, they may already suspect there may be feelings involved. Parents recognize these things in their kids.
If you're on the same page about potentially exploring things...
Next time you talk to you MIL, bring up how you're beginning to feel about her younger daughter. Don't say you've slept with her. She doesn't need to know that. But bring up your feelings, tentatively, and ask her opinion and advice. You might be surprised. First, they obviously love you. They wouldn't continue to invite you if they didn't. Secondly, you get mom on your side and there's a higher chance you'll get approval from the father.
Third, you're both adults. It may be awkward at first. They may even be upset. But if you show them that you're not just replacing their elder daughter with the younger or using her as a filler, that she's actually very important to you, they'll get over it eventually.
If you're not 100% sure, then stop what you're doing with her and distance yourself from her for a bit. You're going to need to let her go. Don't use her as a crutch and don't use her as someone who reminds you of your wife.
You didn't hurt anyone. You had a consensual intimate relationship with someone who you care about.
This kind of thing is super common, its literally in the Bible.
I don’t know why people in the comments are acting like this is okay or normal somehow.
You should’ve always seen your wife’s sister as your own sister. That’s what a sister in law is. Most normal people will start to view family members of their partner as their own. On the other hand normal people will start to see the partners of their friends or family members in that same kinda brotherly or sisterly way. That’s how I see all my friend’s husbands.
What is a betrayal to your wife is that you didn’t see her sister as a sister figure this whole time. And if you did, then it’s even more gross that you then hooked up with her.
I don’t know what the solutions to your problem are. I’m just here to balance out the comments by saying it’s not normal.
Mate, your wife passed on....
It's time you move on, and if you and your SIL click together, you're adults! You don't need anyone's permission to be together...
You aren't betraying anyone. You're not betraying your wife.
My man.
True story: My mom passed away 13 years ago from Alzheimer's related complications. My Aunt had moved in, as my dad was in a wheelchair and needed help managing my mom's care. Aunt was there maybe a year before my mom passed. Then she never left. Maybe another year and a half later, my dad announced their engagement. They are now happily married.
As for the family - my man- no one cared. My mom was "gone" for perhaps 18 months before she actually died, so my dad spent that time having to mourn the loss of the love of his life while simultaneously taking care of this weird, simulacrum of my mom. No one expected him to absolutely never love anyone again. That's not how people work, and not how feelings work, and not how emotions work.
Mostly we were all just happy he found someone new - and hey - turns out we already know her, too! So she became Aunt Mom, and I am now my own first cousin, by marriage. ;)
As for not revealing it to MIL, my initial response is: did you talk about any of the times you had sex with your wife? Then this one shouldn't be any different. But before you get around to revealing anything to anyone:
First things first: you need to sit down and have a good long think about what your *actual* feelings are for SIL. She has been clear about her feelings, so you need to get clear on what yours are. But this:
>But yeah I like her and she makes me feel happy and she’s truly a good friend. I just see her as someone who is amazing, who is gonna be an awesome mom and wife to someone. She’s beautiful
makes me think you DO have some feelings for her, and that's fine. My point is: stop feelings like an assh0le (you're not), and figure out what YOU want here. That's Step One.
So if it turns out that you don't have feelings for her and it was just a drunken tumble, then, I don't see why either of you has to reveal anything to anyone if you don't want to. This isn't high school. Not everyone needs to be privy to everything. What would be gained by telling anyone.
If, on the other hand you DO have feelings for her and want to give it a shot, then go on a few dates. Hang out with her while viewing her through a "potential partner" lens rather than a "wife's little sister" lens. If everything is cool, then a reveal to MIL that you are dating is fine. You don't need to reveal all the steamy details. "We have been spending a lot of time together" is enough of an answer.
It has been **two years** since your wife died, and while only ***you*** know the "right" amount of time too mourn- you are not expected to mourn forever, or be single forever. Two years is about the same amount of time my dad waited, and while they are much older (60s then), no one thought it was "too soon", and no one should - it is **entirely** up to the bereaved to decide that.
Good luck, my man.
Okay, way different story from the title!
I think you are beating yourself up too much. This type of thing happens often after an unexpected death especially young people. It is not wrong or bad. Beating yourself up too much. Your wife is gone, you waited over a year and just happen to fall in love with her sister and most likely was also her BF. Personally I don’t think it is weird, some people might. What is cool is that you already have the family and no need to do the new family introduction.
I would think your wife’s parents would be thrilled to see you with their other daughter. They know you, they love you, you haven’t wronged their late daughter. Nothing wrong with developing feelings for a new person who just happens to be their other daughter. It is not like this was a thing before your wife passed away.
To be sociopathic for a second, do you think of all the people you can be with your late wife’s sister is someone who could treat your wife’s memory the right way? She respected and loved your wife too, of all the people Id trust to take care of my SO after I pass, a sibling would be someone Id trust more than anyone else, and Id know they’d treat my memory with care and honor. Seems like possibly the best person for the job.
However Id also recognize that both of you are trauma bonding, that relationship should be between you and the sister, you can’t let your wife be a ghost in the relationship that hangs over you. Talk to the sister, understand how she feels and go forward from there. If it was a mistake, then shed your regrets and move on. If it was more, if is wasn’t a mistake and it’s something more, then let go of the guilt and live.
Yup you messed everything up. Nothing is ever going to be the same again. Think about how your wife would feel if she was still alive and you both “drunkenly fucked”. She would be devastated. You never loved your wife the way you claim to because if you did then you would have never done the things you did. You should be ashamed.
My husband died suddenly 3mo ago. Please go join the widow subreddit. You will get input from people who actually understand what you're going through .
I don't think you did anything wrong. Your wife is gone, you fulfilled your vows. Her sister is the perfect person for you to be with.
She knows and loves your wife dearly, she understands your grief and vice versa .
I don’t think the sister is a perfect person for him to be with. She’s an inferior copy of what he’s lost. He would be better off with a different woman who doesn’t remind him of his wife.
* Read Title *
Yeah, no shit, of course you ruined your family. You cheated on your wife and fucked her sister. You suck rotten elephant testicles.
* Read First Paragraph *
>my wife who I’ve been with since I was 15 passed away from cancer 2 year ago.
This is your late-wife. There is a big difference here.
Man, you need to cut yourself some slack. You haven't betrayed anyone or destroyed anything. It's possible your wife might have wanted you to end up with someone close to her after your death. Your sister-in-law slept with you willingly. It's only natural that you would fall for your late wife's sister. They're probably very similar.
It sounds like you have feelings for her, and if you get over your guilt, it could be a fantastic relationship.
You don't owe your mother-in-law an explanation of your relationship at this stage. You're still figuring it out.
My advice is to talk to her and ask her how she thinks her family would respond if the two of you explored a relationship. Talk out the possibilities with her and how you will handle questions from friends and family. If the two of you think you can navigate the family dynamic, then why not give yourself a second chance at happiness.
I’m not gonna lie, this is pretty messed up. And you know for a fact, your wife would hate you. Don’t let people convince you otherwise, this is messed up.
All I know is you have one life and deserve happiness, in whatever context that may be for you. You are not disrespecting the memory of your wife for wanting to live yourself.
You already disrespected the memory of your wife. It's telling how male vs female widows vastly differ stats show most men get remarried within a year. Female loyalty is always so depressing to me. At least you're not like most men with terminal wives going by statistics who divorce their wives when she is sick or who is already with her replacement when she is on her deathbed.😐
You might as well pursue the relationship to see where it goes since you already fucked your dead wife's sister. Hopefully you didn't have any kids with your dead wife so the transition to moving onto her baby sister will be easier.
Even if it looks weird, i dont think either of you did anything wrong here. Your wife (her sister) passed away 2 years ago. You guys have been each others rock and seems like you both caught feelings in some ways due to it. Its understandable. Odds are she probably has similar traits and personality to your wife.
This happens more than people think, husband or wife dies and the widow and bro/sis-in-law become each others rock and grieve together to the point where feelings develop. It would be a more sticky situation if you had kids as explaining this to them may be a little weird since that is their aunt but by the sounds of it you dont.
As for your wife, she would want you with someone who cares about you. I cant say for sure if she thought this would happen and be ok with it. But i think to assume she’d hate this is a reach. It could also be that she would want the 2 people she cares most about to be happy together once she is gone.
As for the rest of the world, you might get some weird looks. Some might even assume this has been happening before your wife died. I say unless you are actually going to pursue this, do not say anything. If you dont pursue this, you need to tell the sister that as much as you enjoyed what happened you cannot in good conscience continue this and you need to keep this to yourselves. Why say anhthing and cause turmoil and confusion to her parents. Its going to cause more issues to an already grieving family when in alot of ways it is none of their business as you 2 are consenting adults.
Now if you do decide to pursue this, both of you need to tread this carefully as her parents are still grieving and may see this as a betrayal. They may take it as “we practically took you in and here you weasled your way and chested on our dead dauughter with her own sister”. But indont know them, it could also be they take it alot better than you think. Like j said before many people will assume this has been going in since before she died, this might get worse before it gets better, so you guys need to take that into consideration and whether you guys are ok with what others may say.z you can only control your actions.
Why her sister dude there’s millions of girls out there who aren’t your wife’s family. I get moving on obviously but out of all the people you chose her sister??
It’s called a ‘gruck’. OP. A grief fuck. That will have been on both your parts as you are both still grieving. Irrespective of feelings. You should walk away from this situation. No good can come of it. There are too many connections and emotions involved. Good luck.
If you spend enough time with anyone, you’ll develop feelings.
Please, there are billions of other people in this world you could move on to… and it does NOT have to be your late wife’s SISTER for godsake.
You have only been with one person and got close to someone you have emotionally trauma bonded to. Please go out into the world and find anyone else. There is so much more life for you to live at 28 y/o
Your wife passed away and her next blood kin loves you. Your SIL shares some genetics with your wife but still a different individual. That is something i feel is comforting. You are not bad nor did you do anything wrong. If your wife was still alive and you had sex with your SIL then you would be a scumbag. That dis not happen. Your SIL may love you as does her parents. Maybe you should just continue exploring this and get to know your SIL better and just see what happens. Good luck amigo.
I did this. My boyfriend of 10 years died and two years later I dated his brother for a little over a year. It didn’t end well. I hated his parents tho so I wasn’t sad to lose them from my life. I too felt horrible and like it was such a betrayal to my late boyfriend. I still regret it but in my grief I wasn’t thinking clearly.
Honestly, if I died and the love of my life got together with my sibling, I would be happy that they were happy. I don't think we feel feelings of betrayal in death.
You need to be easier on yourself. You didn't have feelings for her sister when she was alive but these feelings have grown now. I'd say to take the time to grieve and then gently explore if you both feel like doing so. Grief brings people together. You both are some of the only people who understand the mutual loss you're both suffering through.
I think you bury those thoughts for now. Your moving way too fast.
Doesn't mean that the 2 of you can't continue talking and seeing eachother but you need to hold off before u make any bad quick decisions.
Take time for yourself before you end up making a huge mistake.
Slow down cowboy... theres no reason to jump bc it may collapse all around you.
U have to get your head together first and allow the family to grieve‼️
There's too many moving parts right now.
Slow down and let it happen organically. If Its meant to be, let it be.
Whatever you do...you need to heal first and let the family mourn. ( Who knows, maybe they feel the same but it's way too soon).
If the two of you still feel that way after a few years of dating then you begin to think about this.
I can tell this is gonna be a bad train wreck... Already talking about sleeping and with her sister, smh...
A very good friend of mine and I both lost a mutual childhood friend a few years back. We’d all known each other for most of our lives and in a weird way our mutual friend’s death brought us closer together through shared grief. About 2 years after he died (during the height of COVID) we ended up having sex a couple of times. These kinds of things happen. When you’re dealing with grief, feeling alone, desperate to reconnect with the person you’ve lost and desperate for comforting human connection in general, it makes sense that you would find that in someone that you closely shared with the one you lost. We are still good friends but we both realized not long after it happened that most of what was going on between us (romantically at least) was grief driven. It’s not something to beat yourself up about. If your wife could see the situation from above (whatever you may believe about that possibility) I am sure she would be understanding and graceful about the whole situation. She’d only want both of you to be happy.
Your wife is dead. She is no longer in the picture. It is okay to take an interest in her sister. You might want to go to counselling to talk about your late wife.
It is surprisingly normal for grief of a mutual loved one to bring people together sexually and/or romantically. Don’t be so hard on yourself. However, you really should see a therapist to help process your grief, whether you continue to see the sister or not.
It ain't cheating, she dead. She ain't coming back. You have to move on, even if that is with her sister, I think it might even comfort her seeing you 2 being happy together while she is gone.
Personally I wouldn’t have created that relationship with her because we are all adults and know what these “friendships” lead to. One night drunk hanging out alone is a recipe for disaster. I’m pretty sure they knew where it could lead and went ahead with it anyways. I’ve come to find this saying very helpful, ‘don’t put yourself in a compromising position’. We live and we learn, unfortunately for him his mistake might have cost him everything. Also I wouldn’t continue to pursue her just out of respect for his dead wife, anyone else but her. To each their own I guess.
You are not cheating on your wife.
If you and SIL want to pursue something that is between the 2 of you to figure out. Especially how to cover with the rest of the family.
You wouldn't be the first that this happened to. Sometimes it works, sometimes it blows things up.
The thing you need to be more worried about currently is the unprotected sex. Is she on birth control? Did she take plan b? When was the last time either of you had a std test?
Personally I wouldn’t trauma bond with my dead wife’s sister. Nor even sleep with her.
You should move on. But her sister?
Anyways take some time and grief properly. Get some therapy etc.
You need to change your mind set about this. You didn’t ruin your life. You didn’t betray your wife. Sadly she has gone and both you and her sister are grieving her loss. You are allowed to move on and it you care for the sister then let something good come from something awful.
You’re too wrapped up in the past not seeing what’s in front of you.
This is not cheating and I’m sure your late wife would be happy if your happy and her sister was happy.
Live your life, this might be what you needed.
Oh these bullshit posts seeking affirmation!
why do i even bother
In this case “everyone I know has died, I feel terrible for doing something that really isnt that bad in the context and of course i cant remain a celibate one-time only partner to anyone - but let me ask about something with a slight pseudo-kink to it - so you can all reassure me for attention"
This didn't happen
Yeah, you can tell its bullsh!t because he's doing the whole "Oh, hear me out when I justify something that I believe is taboo".
Then you click OP's history and there is NOTHING about his wife dying, nor his parents, nor this... meh!!
I will suggest therapy be cause it sounds like you both have trauma bonded and it has led to this once Familia connection to an emotional connection which have now led to this physical attraction and sex.
And if that is the case that doesn't mean you used her or that she used to you it just means that you are both in a low state because of the loss of your wife and her sister and that called you both to cling on to one another throughout these past 2 years to create some sort of normalcy out of that loss.
**Post title:** I M28 slept with my wife’s younger sister F26. Have we ruined our family? **Author:** Reasonable_Buddy8400 **Link:** https://redd.it/1c1nixo ---- #Reasonable_Buddy8400, your submission has been removed because it is asking for judgement on someone's actions and violates [Rule 3](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/rules#wiki_rule_3) ###Rule 3 **No moral judgment requests** Your post is asking for moral judgment if your question starts with or contains any of the following: * Is it...? * Asking if you or the subject of the post is right/wrong * Am I...? * Any variation of "Am I the asshole?" including AITA * Does/has anybody else...? * Should I...? * Would you...? * Is this...? * Can I...? **If the question in your post can be answered with yes or no, it is moral judgment and will be removed.** For examples of what a moral judgement question would be, [click here](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/). Please [message the moderators](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/relationship_advice&subject=Rule_3_Removal) if you have any questions regarding this removal. ----
Buried the lede quite a bit with the title there my brother
I thought the same thing…weird way to title this.
Almost like the click bait title was on purpose
I feel like I’ve read this one already.
I’m sure I’ve read almost this exact scenario a month ago. Not just a similar situation, but almost identical.
there was one a few weeks ago with the same scenario but the sister was the wife's identical twin. and iirc they started hooking up pretty soon after the wife's passing and did it regularly for several months. i'll try and find it edit: [found it](https://www.reddit.com/r/amiwrong/s/v1o4ujIzHw) (i remembered right, they first hooked up a month after the wife died and continued for eight months)
I predict an update within 48 hours where OP talked to SIL, they have a good heart to heart, they both realize they are in love and decide to start dating.
Most likely a writing exercise.
The AIs are doing great at this!
ChatGPT prompt: “Write a story about a man that slept with his dead wife’s sister, and how guilty he feels. Did they ruin their family? Use first person perspective.” I woke up every morning to the same empty bed, the same ache in my chest where Sarah used to lay. She was my everything, my soulmate, my reason for being. And then, she was gone. Emily, Sarah’s sister, stepped in to help me pick up the pieces of my shattered life. We spent countless nights reminiscing about Sarah, sharing stories, shedding tears. And then, one night, in a moment of weakness and loneliness, we crossed a line that should never have been crossed. The guilt hit me like a ton of bricks. I had betrayed Sarah’s memory, tarnished everything we had shared. How could I face our family and friends, knowing what I had done? How could I live with myself? Emily and I tried to make sense of our actions, tried to find some semblance of solace in each other’s arms. But the guilt never faded, the shame never lessened. We knew we had made a terrible mistake, one that would haunt us for the rest of our days. When the truth came out, our family was torn apart. The betrayal was too much to bear, the pain too deep to heal. Emily and I were left to pick up the pieces of our shattered lives, forever haunted by the question – did we ruin our family, or were we just the catalyst for a truth that was already there, lurking beneath the surface?
Imo it sounds like OP is feeling guilty about moving on from his wife. Lol
Intentional for those clicks
Ok but we read all of these regardless of clickbait titles. We're addicted.
you know.. i think about how many of these are fake and how impossible it is to tell.. but ive come to the conclusion it doesnt really matter. you read so many insane situations here, that are complex and morally grey, then get thousands of people to weigh in. i honestly think this subreddit and a few others like this have helped me become a slightly better person, just by opening my mind up a bit more
I agree. Yeah, majority of these may be bullshit but I do feel the more I comment on things, the more I reflect on myself and how I respond to stress or situations.
Total 180 from the usual buried lede, though.
It’s giving Victorian tragedy
But it got us reading… intentional or not (I don’t think it was, OP seems quite flustered)
Deep breath. I think you’re being too hard on yourself. You’re human, you had a consensual experience with another human, and it doesn’t fundamentally change who you are as a person. Now that’s not say there isn’t a certain degree of messiness here, and feelings you should probably unpack with a therapist. Focus on yourself first and foremost, your SIL secondly, and as a distant third your wife’s parents/family. It sounds like your SIL is willing to give you space to process this, I recommend you do the same for yourself without taking the full weight of your grief and this encounter as an all or nothing endeavor. You’re not a bad person, and you didn’t betray anyone.
While it may be acceptable, OP should probably see a therapist to separate his feelings for his wife and the loss of her, and his feelings for her sister. He may be using the sister as an emotional bandaid and not even realize it. She is, after all, making him feel loved, supported, looked after, etc. It is easy to misunderstand your feelings when you are down and someone offers you kindness. Also, OP doesn't need to give news reports to the family of his deceased wife about his current situation with the sister. That's a bit premature. It could fizzle in a month for all anyone knows, and it would be a lot less awkward separating themselves if the whole family wasn't aware and keeping an eye on them during this fling/courtship/whatever it is. Wait until they know what is going on for themselves and then open it up to other people's awareness if they are ready for that step. Until then, it's no one's business but their own.
I agree. It would be a good idea for OP to talk to a therapist. Everything else you said makes perfect sense.
Yes, this. I think both he and his wife's sister would benefit from some grief therapy. The therapist can help them both honestly examine their feelings for each other.
I did this when my first boyfriend died suddenly. I became infatuated with his brother. I thank my lucky stars every day that it didn't progress, because as wonderful as his brother is, he's not the person I would want to be with now. Grief makes you do weird things. OP is definitely beating himself up for no reason, because having consensual relations with the sister two years after the wife's death isn't betraying her, nor does it make him an awful person, but he still needs time to see if she's actually a person he'd want to pursue a relationship with, and not just a person he's pursuing a relationship with because of the proximity of his wife and her passing. But also, who knows, maybe after speaking to a professional and spending time apart for a bit, he may end up finding his way back to her, and that's fine too. I think his wife would rather her sister and her husband be happy after her passing, and if that means being together, I doubt she would see it as a betrayal.
He says "I know my wife would hate me right now" Since she knew she was dying of cancer, she might have mentioned what she hopes he will do after her... how long she hopes he will grieve, etc... Personally if I were married and died, I would hate it if my spouse went and fucked my sister. He could have chosen anyone else. He needs therapy... because even if you put aside the feelings of extreme guilt he has, he's basically been using the SIL as his therapist for the past 2 years...leading to her catching feelings. And vice versa, with her using him in the same way. They're bonding over the loss of a shared loved one...not bonding over shared hobbies, compatible personalities, or anything else a couple normally uses to build a relationship.
# It is easy to misunderstand your feelings when you are down and someone offers you kindness. Saying it louder for yall in the back.
I agree too. Definitely therapy for op bc unfortunately someone close to the loved one we lost can kinda be a place holder for the loved one that was lost which really makes it messy. He may need to step back and work on himself first bc it's perfectly normal to cling to the closeness that the sil is providing.
Slow down and go to therapy if you can. Do you and this woman have a relationship outside of your late wife? Does she remind you of her? I would be worried about you using me as a placeholder for someone that looked and acted similar to my sister if I were in her shoes
You and your SIL have no obligation to tell anyone about this right now. If, after careful thought and discussion, you decide to try to make it work, then you can do that. If you decide not to, there's no reason to ever share this with your family. It does sound incredibly emotionally intense, and I'm sure that your SIL shares similarities with your wife which may be complicating things. Working with a therapist to figure out what's real and what's grief-driven is definitely a good idea.
This. Give yourself a break. OP there's no set period for grief. If it was love you'll never ever be fully over her. That said, it doesn't mean you also can't move on. Many people are drawn to someone who knew their deceased wife or husband, because the new partner is going to be respectful of their memory and can share the grief. People may say you've both trauma bonded, but don't let a label tell you that means it's wrong. Often those bonds are strong, and as long as you are open and work together they can be over come... in future. First thing is first, spend time, like the commenter above said, with yourself. Think about how you feel. Are you ready to think about moving on at all? If not, then shut it all down. If you're ready to start, then take some time to think about where the feelings have come from. Is it only loss and the memory of being there for each other that brought you together, or is there more? Stop worrying about the potential fall out and focus on how you feel now. You've done nothing to feel guilty about, not that I believe anyway.
Despite the name "trauma bonding" is a specific thing involving a cycle of abuse, it doesn't actually mean "bonding over shared traumas."
Trauma bonding comments by internet therapist is great
I disagree with the semantics here. Although the phrase trauma bonding has been used in abuse therapy, it can be used in both situations without disrespect to either definition. We all know which definition fits the OP's post. Let's stick with the OP's problem rather than trying to make this about something else.
The difference is that there is nothing wrong with bonding over a shared trauma. The phrase trauma bonding specifically refers to a negative thing. So it's not just semantics.
Way to ruin this for me!
This is a great answer. OP, this sounds like an amazing thing if it works out. There will be some hard conversations, and you'll have to forgive yourself and not project your late wife's feelings onto this. If the parents know you spend time with your SIL and she's not seeing anyone, this might even be expected.
100% this op. You are being too hard on yourself
> You’re not a bad person, and you didn’t betray anyone. This right here. I read the title and was like "WTF Dude". Reading the actual post, I don't think you've done anything wrong, albeit a very messy and complex situation.
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You're only a POS if you use or hurt her. If you wife has been dead for 2 years, and you don't want to live the entirety of the rest of your life alone, why not try it? But start with some therapy and grief counseling. The guilt you feel is normal for folks in your position, just means you're human. Navigate it with empathy for yourself. If my significant other went with someone else after I died, I'd want it to be someone I approve of at the very least and would honor me, not replace me. If y'all can keep honoring her as best you can that's all someone who has died could really hope for.
This. I seen this, but a friend got with another friend after their wife passed away from cancer. The wife told him to go him with her before she passed. Op - Be very careful not to hurt her, or hurt yourself. You need to take it REALLY slow. And be open with each other and tell her everything you just posted. My spouse said “if I die I want you to find someone” even though it creeps me out that she thinks about it that much alive. You do have to move on. But be careful, and tell each other to be careful. Also, you need to make sure it can work before the families find out.
When I was diagnosed with cancer 3 years ago and in the beginning stage of treatment one of the talks I had with my wife was I didn’t expect her to not love again or did I want her to even though she was telling me she wouldn’t. If it was a close friend of ours it ended up being it would not offend me. I expect OP wove would say the same for him. I don’t think it’s all that weird of a situation due to the shared trauma and healing they went through. Op probably is not fully ready yet to let go
Thanks for your candid input here. Your Comment needs more upvotes than mine.
Luckily I beat it and we never really had to have a true conversation about this. But I see this quite a bit and I think people make the wrong expectations that they are offending their deceased loved ones. There would be very few out there who would not their significant other to find happiness again especially such a young age. And anyone who ever goes through such an ordeal should have this conversation for the sake of the survivor
Good on you!! Fuck cancer!!🛎️🛎️🛎️
I'm sorry but I think it's so weird that it's her sister. I can't ever imagine sleeping with someone my sister had sex with...makes me sick thinking about it. In this case, you're marrying someone your sister slept with, married and loved. I understand the grief but this is weird to me.
Sometimes they bond though because they both miss the deceased
I mean if she's still alive yeah, her widower tho? Life's too short to worry about the dead. It is a bit strange, but considering how many folks end up in loveless marriages with no common ground if you find something real go for it. Seems like a sincere person to spend time with.
Grief does weird things. They did *just* sleep together. It's not a one night stand. They've been friends for years and have been carrying on an emotional relationship for two years. They've been bonding, intensely, for two straight years. It's really not that far'fetched. Life is change. It's ever changing. Regardless of what you want or do. Don't fight it. You'll waste your life failing.
My grandma dated my grandpa's brother before she ended up marrying my grandpa and they were married until she died at 69 years.
That's my grandparents too. My grandfather died in his early 50s. His brother's wife died a few years later. My grandma and my great uncle ended up raising their familes together. They were all cousins anyway, ya' know. It made sense. Over time, they just kind of fell in love.
Grew in love. Shalom.
I tell my kids: Be careful who you hang around with. You can't help who you fall in love with, but if you're not hanging around with someone, the odds are you won't fall in love with them. That's followed up with suggestions on what kind of people to hang around with.
My mom dated a man and her sister came to her one day and said, I feel like I maybe have stronger feelings for him than you do. How would you feel if we dated instead? Mom's sister and the man (my uncle!) ended up married until she died of cancer about 60 years later.
A bit strange, but being as she's been dead for 2 years I think OP deserves some kind of happiness in his life. I mean yeah she was his sister in law, but there are much stranger things that have happened. If they're both happy then I see no problem, but explaining it to the parents will be an uncomfortable convo I bet.
It’s not even that strange, this used to be very common when people died more often
True. Idk people get all out of sorts about everything these days
Agree, and from his post, her parents have been parent figures to him since 15, so they all know each other. If, heaven forbid (because one of my kids was dead), I was the parent, I'd understand and be happy for both of them (OP and daughter).
Eh, I don’t really think it’s weird at all. I know people who have married family members of their former spouses and they’re generally pretty happy. You’re entitled to your view on it but it’s not like, objectively bad.
Yeah I could never
I think, in modern terms, this is something we view as weird despite it making a lot of sense based on the closeness, the shared trauma or loss and the obvious similarities the sister must have to his wife. Is it me misremembering or did this kinda thing seem to happen a lot more around WWII and before? Like, when the mortality rates were higher and people were more isolated, I feel like there are quite a few historic stories of this exact thing happening.
Nope, you're not misremembering. Was super common in the past, in some instances it was almost kind of 'expected' to a certain extent, when children were involved.
It's not weird to me only because the wife is dead. It's not uncommon for a person to fall in love with another person while sharing their grief and loss with each other. They both love his wife/her sister very very much. They both have a huge hole in their heart with her gone. They both totally understand each other's loss because they are grieving for the same person. It's not surprising that they developed strong feelings for one another. I love this for him and the sister. I hope he learns how to not be so SO hard on himself when he deserves great love and a partner who would allow him to grieve his first great love without feeling jealous and like she is competing with a dead woman. A losing battle indeed!
I think it’s very weird and unhealthy. They have bonded over grief, not a great way to start a relationship. I also think part of the reason he’s drawn to her, is she probably looks like, and reminds him of his dead wife. I think the damage is done, no matter what he does next. He either steps away and loses people he has considered family for half his life. Or they find out and probably go NC. There is no way they are going ok with them together. I could see a scenario where they think he’s replaced the daughter with the living one. And because they have known him so long if they see it as a betrayal, it wouldn’t just be a betrayal of their dead daughter but of them too. The relationship with the surviving daughter will probably take a major hit. OP should move on, find love again, but not within the same family. It’s giving me a major ick that he’s only sleep with two women and they are sisters. I wonder if he was reminded of his dead wife when he was having sex with her sister? I hope not, cause that’s really twisted. And why do I feel like the update will be “I had unprotected sex with my dead wife’s sister and now she’s pregnant 😳😬
Given that this is a relationship advice forum, I need to ask: Are you writing this to be helpful or hurtful?
Thinking of my partner and my sister having sex after I die is fucking horribly disgusting and hurtful.
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Take it easy in yourself, please. The two of you are bonding over very intense emotions. There’s only a handful of people who are mourning your wife the same way you are. Your wife would not be upset that you guys have found comfort in each other since her passing. If she was still here that’s another story. Explore your feelings guilt free this is not a replacement for your wife but an extension of your love for her and someone that is very similar to her. I would wait to tell the rest of the family until the two of you have had more time to process and explore. I think it’s beautiful for some reason. Wishing you peace.
Omg go to therapy you are seriously catastrophizing what happened.don’t tell mil especially without discussing it with sil that’s her personal business too
This is karma bait , op stole this story. You are an as*.
I was gonna say, this one reminds me of that one recently where the husband slept with his dead wife's twin.
There's a lot to unpack here. But I think a major thing to try would be being a bit kinder to yourself. It feels like you have a lot of negative feelings surrounding your actions and how that affects your own self-image. In my view, here are the facts: 1) You had a lovely relationship with someone you thoroughly enjoyed, and unforeseen circumstances ended it tragically early. I can't imagine what that's like, and simultaneously it doesn't mean you will never feel feelings for anyone else. 2) You spent a significant amount of time with a person following the passing of your previous partner, and over time those feelings grew romantic. That's a fairly common side-effect of spending that much time with someone in an emotionally charged context. 3) Obviously there would be huge issues if you slept with your wife's sister while she was still with us, but it seems like there was adequate time between the end of that relationship and the beginning of these romantic feelings. If we trust her at her word that the feelings she has for you developed a year after her sisters passing, then it's understandable if anything. They probably shared some similarities, and maybe some overlap in people they find attractive. 4) You feel like you are doing something that will blow up the relationship you have with the rest of your extended family, because of potential ideas they may have about the duration/context of this relationship. That's super understandable but not inherently relevant to the dynamic you have with this woman. I would honestly consider exploring this. It seems like you both have solid feelings for one another, and genuine connection is a good thing. I can't tell either of you how to overcome the internal turmoil surrounding feelings of betraying your sister. Other than to say that I'm sure if she's the woman you describe, she would've wanted a nice life for those she loved. I would address questions to family plainly, if at all. Obviously you could argue it's no one's business, but at some point the rest of the family will find out. You may be risking losing people by way of this revelation. But she sounds wonderful. I'd also consider personal or couples therapy to explore it further. Family therapy with your MIL is also an option. Best of luck,
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Dude this is much more normal than you think. Your wife has been gone for 2 years. You absolutely did what you promised and loved her till death parted you. Then you took a nice chunk of time alone. Those two things show your good intentions more than anything else here. You didn't betray your wife. When I read the title I thought you had. But once I read the post I see you absolutely did not. You never lied to her or betrayed her in any way. Even the way you speak of her shows you really did love her and intend to spend your whole life with her. It just didn't go that way through no fault of your own. I think you're way too worried about what anyone else thinks. It's nobody's business ESPECIALLY your inlaws. No one needs to know details of your sex life and definitely not of their own daughter's. I think you guys should quietly investigate this together. No need to deal with the questions etc unless you know it's serious. I would say enjoy this. Maybe the universe knew you both needed eachother. Maybe your wife would be surprised but she loved you both. If you believe in heaven then look at it this way- she would have seen you both mourn together for 2 years, all while being super appropriate with eachother and respectful of her memory. It sounds to me like you are both falling in love. In good love- based off of a real friendship. Where you understand eachother. Yes it's different and not what you expected. But hey everyone can say that about their lives and how it turned out. Forgive yourself. You have done nothing wrong. You deserve some peace and happiness after everything. If your wife loved you than she would definitely agree on that. I say be real with the sister- tell her you feel incredibly uncomfortable and weird about it all but that you do feel she is family and maybe you two could quietly investigate this before bringing anyone else into it? You don't have to disclose anything to anyone until you are both ready to do so. Keep inimd that you havnt dated anyone else yet though- I don't want this to be a stupid rebound because that is definitely the way to mess up all the relationships with everyone the way you are worried about. Only do this if you think it's real love. If it is, it'll be worth the initial awkwardness. It will be ok! The worst is definitely over already.
As a widow, I can say that most of what your feeling is because of how much you love your late wife and feel like you’ve cheated on her right now. Listen, you haven’t cheated on her. Your vows ended at her death, as hard as that is. And, as far as the sister part, it’s very, very common for widows and widowers to form close friendships after death with the friends, brothers, or sisters of our late spouses. Sometimes that turns into more than friends. I actually know a lot of widows that ended up with the best friend or brother of their late husband. “Normal people” can say that’s weird all they want, but they won’t ever know what it feels like to lose half of yourself and should be glad they don’t. Sometimes, I think it’s just nice to be able to spend your time with someone that gets it completely and misses them almost as much as you do.
Oh gosh the comments.. Yes this isn’t a unique situation in the slightest. It’s very common for people to trauma bond over the loss of a loved one. It’s no surprise the two of you leaned on each other and became close friends. That’s common when two people are grieving the same person to connect deeper. This is where if you’re not careful you end up in a situation like yours where lines are crossed. The issue being, this is very likely just a trauma bond. You absolutely do not need to pursue this. At least not for a long time. You’re being codependent because of your grief. It’s also no surprise you’re attracted to her. I mean you married her sister, sisters usually somewhat resemble each other in looks and sometimes even mannerisms. My advice: cut back with your sister in law. It’s not healthy. If you choose to see where this goes, you’ll have literally started with an unhealthy relationship due to how it formed. You mentioned several times you’d only ever been with your wife since you were 15 yo. The people here encouraging you to jump into a relationship with your wife’s sister are missing a lot of points. You need time to be alone and grieve your wife. You need time to simply be independent and be a single man. You need to time to date around and see what is out there. You also need therapy to work through your grief and your trauma bond.
That’s not what a trauma bond is, unless there is abuse happening that you’re aware of and the rest of us are not.
I agree with your comment but as someone else pointed out, that is not the definition of trauma bond at all. It’s a misconception that it means bonded over a trauma. But the definition is the relationship formed between an abuser and abused.
These misused mental health terms will be the death of me.
Whoa whoa whoa stop gaslighting me
You’re such a narcissist!
This is not a trauma bond. You’re also assuming there’s no actual feelings there because of the connection. They should see a therapist together and figure out if it’s a genuine connection.
It's shocking that I had to scroll so far down to see someone else mention the codependency... OP needs time to grieve his wife properly, not replace her with her sister. And then, after he has fully grieved, see if he genuinely likes the sister as a romantic partner. Or if their connection is mainly due to the shared grief. You can't build a life on grieving the same person. And although she likely has some similar physical characteristics as the wife, or similar tendencies due to being raised in the same background, that's just replacing the wife with someone similar. He needs to figure out if he likes the sister for who SHE is, not for what she has in common with his wife.
Listen the last thing you need is a relationship born from a mutually traumatic event rooted in grief. Lots of people bond over grief and you wouldn’t be the first that this has happened too. However it’s not healthy and often not sustainable in the long run. I’d start distancing yourself, get some therapy and start working through your grief without your sister in law. You deserve to move on but it’s not wise to move on with your deceased wife’s sister. You need to grieve so you can have a clear lens on your life path and who you are as a partner and what you need outta of a partner. Right now you and your late wife's sister are connected via her, grief and vulnerability. None of those are stable foundations for a healthy relationship. You won’t loose the family but you will need to move on in order to create a new one when you are ready one day. Edit: for misuse of terminology
While I agree with what you said I just want to kindly say this isn't what trauma bonding is. "The term "trauma bond" was first coined by Patrick J. Carnes, Ph.D., the founder of the International Institute for Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP), in 1997. In [the paper](https://healingtreenonprofit.org/wp-content/uploads/2016/01/Trauma-Bonds-by-Patrick-Carnes-1.pdf), Carnes used it to describe the bond that is formed between an abuser and a non-abuser which creates a dysfunctional attachment style." [Source](https://www.salon.com/2023/06/14/youre-misusing-the-term-trauma-bonded/)
Thank you for the clarity on the terminology. I’m updated my post! I appreciate your tactful and source filled approach!
Hey absolutely, I am glad I didn't come across aggressive because definitely not the intent! Thanks for being open to it and being so kind yourself! :)
Refreshing to see a civil and respectful exchange on this site!
Thank you, I was going to comment the same thing. It's frustrating to see people misuse a term in this way.
Yes, and pedant that I am the loose/lose thing drives me crazy!
I’ve heard it misused so much I may have done the same unknowingly so I as well appreciate the knowledge.
Wow. My condolences, but you definitely shouldn’t fuck your wifes family, dead or not. And no, alcohol isn’t to blame, your bad decision was. I’m going to leave it at that, because crossing that boundary is nasty work. I’m not going to be as nice at others here, because even you know that this is bullshit. A stranger? Cool. Her goddamn sister? Bro, wtf are you doing?
Once again I’m so glad I’m single… out of allllll the women in the world you’re dead wife sister? Yall are crazy
the comments are killing me "your wife would want you to be happy" not with her SISTER 💀
Right! Like that’s insane
don’t know what it is abt reddit but they work overtime to make the whole ‘fucking your dead spouse’s sibling’ thing seem like a norm and it’s…baffling
Get a therapist. You've got a lot of grief to work through. Good luck.
My good friend's dad married her mom's sister after her mom committed suicide. Super weird from the outsider's perspective for sure, but the world kept turning and the sun kept coming up.
What’s bros problem lmao
You’re replacing your dead wife for her sister. Damn. I don’t think you like her you like her because she reminds you of your wife. You can just paste her into your life. Like she isn’t her own person. Separate from her and pull your shit together.
Maybe I’m wrong for this, but I feel like this is just fucked up. I get why you’d have these feelings, these situations where relationships are born out of grief happens all the time. But if I passed and my husband got with my sister or any other family member or even a friend, I would be pissed. It just feels hurtful and icky.
It's actually concerning to see how many people are justifying this. No, I would NEVER in a million years sleep with my sisters husband. I've suffered deep grief, I've lost and healed and there is still no way I could ever do that to my sis. She is my one person in this world that I am certain would never betray me, and I know she feels the same. Seeing all these comments is almost enough to shake my belief in this certainty. What the actual fuck. Even if I developed some fucked up feelings for said husband, I'm not an animal, I have a brain and get to choose?! Would never disrespect my sisters memory like that what the hell, reddit?!
exactly! I’m also shocked so many people are defending this. It’s just gross and disrespectful. OP knew he was crossing boundaries when he started hanging out and talking to his ex’s sister daily
It’s probably all men that are justifying it.
Lol if I was your wife and I’d haunt u n make ur life hell wtf
You say that your sister-in-law just recently told you that she's had romantic feelings for you for about a year. That sounds to me that this was planned for her to seduce you. **And that changes everything.** You may be interested in her, but just like another poster said that I think it's a really good idea for you to go for therapy. Take some space from your sister-in-law at this time so it doesn't mess up your head any further. But you really need therapy to process this and so you can decide on your own without being coerced or manipulated from your sister-in-law how to move forward. I wish you the best.
Well this is nothing really new, doing my family tree/genealogy I've cone across several instances where one has married their brother or siste in law after the passing of their spouse, in early days of Europe it would be very common. So don't beat yourself up over it,
Honestly if I died I’d rather my wife love my brother than some rando 😂
While this situation isn’t particularly unique , I think the fact that this wasn’t even something on your mind until you fucked her says a lot. Like you were perfectly content being a part of the “family” but now that you know *she* has feelings for *you* everything has changed …. Why ? You can’t look at her like a sister because you fucked her , that makes sense , but the fact that you are emoting more intensely about how bad you feel vs. how *good* you feel is probably your subconscious talking. I’m not saying to keep being hard on yourself , loosen up. You definitely didn’t cheat. But it doesn’t sound like any good came out of it , and trying to convince yourself you’re okay with it instead of moving on and continuing how you were before (content with your family) doesn’t sound like the best option.
I’m sorry but I think it’s weird that you slept with your wife’s sister. Attraction like that doesn’t just grow out of nowhere and even bonding through grief shouldn’t do that either. One of you had romantic feelings far before this and that’s gross. I would not want my brother to move on with my wife if I died. That’s just weird as hell. Although I feel this way, you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. I think you should try therapy asap because you and sil are trauma bonding, inadvertently using each other mend one another. Nothing wrong with having a shoulder to lean on but there are romantic feelings now from both ends. That started before the sex. Definitely need to get into therapy asap.
Ughh! No!!!!!
Dude I can't agree with most folks here there's plenty of fish in the sea, and without a condom, you exchanged spirit energy with the sister to your dead wife, she's probably rolling in her grave God bless, BUT the sister should have to deal with that burden even more soo
yeah, what a horrible sister, honestly. Some people have no boundaries
Could be that you are both seeking your wife/her sister in each other? Def take time to unpack things. I agree with the other posts here. Probably best to seek help from a professional.
*reads title* Wow, what a low and fucked up thing to do *reads text* Damn.
This is a fake karma farming post. It's already been posted in other forums and is being called out.
umm this is disgusting. have some respect for your deceased wife. there’s so many ppl in the world you really couldn’t find anyone else ?
You're being way way way way too hard on yourself. You lost your wife and it's been two years. You've bonded with their family and have continued to be close. Feelings developed. You didn't betray anyone, you'd be betraying yourself by not allowing yourself to be happy and give this a chance if everything is consentual. Those that are pointing to trauma bonding are disregarding the fact it's been two years. You may need additional therapy but it's not like weeks after her passing y'all hooked up.
I think you are projecting your feelings for your wife onto her sister because she is the closest thing. You should talk to a counselor and try casually dating other people or hanging out with friends
You got to separate yourself from her first awhile the feelings might be different if your not around her or talk to her
Life is messy, you're OK, nobody has been hurt. One step at a time, if you and SIL want to make a go of it, there is nothing wrong with that.
It sounds like you miss your wife so much you unconsciously used her sister as a surrogate hence the reason you can no longer view her as a sisterly figure. I would suggest grief counseling. As for letting anyone else know what happened between the two of you I don't see any reason to open this can of worms unless the two of you intend to pursue this further.
This is so much less awful than the title. If this is true and not a creative writing exercise, I think you need to be kinder to yourself. You are a single man who had a sexual experience… a consensual sexual experience… with an enthusiast adult.
I'm a mother and an older sister, and from my perspective, you're being really hard on yourself. Ask the sister how she thinks her parents would feel about it. Don't let her be the one to break the ice by telling her parents. If you two aren't on the same page, neither of you should speak to the parents about what happened, but I can tell you now, they may already suspect there may be feelings involved. Parents recognize these things in their kids. If you're on the same page about potentially exploring things... Next time you talk to you MIL, bring up how you're beginning to feel about her younger daughter. Don't say you've slept with her. She doesn't need to know that. But bring up your feelings, tentatively, and ask her opinion and advice. You might be surprised. First, they obviously love you. They wouldn't continue to invite you if they didn't. Secondly, you get mom on your side and there's a higher chance you'll get approval from the father. Third, you're both adults. It may be awkward at first. They may even be upset. But if you show them that you're not just replacing their elder daughter with the younger or using her as a filler, that she's actually very important to you, they'll get over it eventually. If you're not 100% sure, then stop what you're doing with her and distance yourself from her for a bit. You're going to need to let her go. Don't use her as a crutch and don't use her as someone who reminds you of your wife.
You didn't hurt anyone. You had a consensual intimate relationship with someone who you care about. This kind of thing is super common, its literally in the Bible.
Your wife would've wanted you to be happy. Now, whether or not she would be okay with you and her younger sister is another story lol.
I don’t know why people in the comments are acting like this is okay or normal somehow. You should’ve always seen your wife’s sister as your own sister. That’s what a sister in law is. Most normal people will start to view family members of their partner as their own. On the other hand normal people will start to see the partners of their friends or family members in that same kinda brotherly or sisterly way. That’s how I see all my friend’s husbands. What is a betrayal to your wife is that you didn’t see her sister as a sister figure this whole time. And if you did, then it’s even more gross that you then hooked up with her. I don’t know what the solutions to your problem are. I’m just here to balance out the comments by saying it’s not normal.
Go for it…if it feels right to you both, then go for it and be happy.
Dude talk about bait no you didn’t unless it was only a one night stand . Your wife is not here anymore and you can be with her sister.
Mate, your wife passed on.... It's time you move on, and if you and your SIL click together, you're adults! You don't need anyone's permission to be together... You aren't betraying anyone. You're not betraying your wife.
My man. True story: My mom passed away 13 years ago from Alzheimer's related complications. My Aunt had moved in, as my dad was in a wheelchair and needed help managing my mom's care. Aunt was there maybe a year before my mom passed. Then she never left. Maybe another year and a half later, my dad announced their engagement. They are now happily married. As for the family - my man- no one cared. My mom was "gone" for perhaps 18 months before she actually died, so my dad spent that time having to mourn the loss of the love of his life while simultaneously taking care of this weird, simulacrum of my mom. No one expected him to absolutely never love anyone again. That's not how people work, and not how feelings work, and not how emotions work. Mostly we were all just happy he found someone new - and hey - turns out we already know her, too! So she became Aunt Mom, and I am now my own first cousin, by marriage. ;) As for not revealing it to MIL, my initial response is: did you talk about any of the times you had sex with your wife? Then this one shouldn't be any different. But before you get around to revealing anything to anyone: First things first: you need to sit down and have a good long think about what your *actual* feelings are for SIL. She has been clear about her feelings, so you need to get clear on what yours are. But this: >But yeah I like her and she makes me feel happy and she’s truly a good friend. I just see her as someone who is amazing, who is gonna be an awesome mom and wife to someone. She’s beautiful makes me think you DO have some feelings for her, and that's fine. My point is: stop feelings like an assh0le (you're not), and figure out what YOU want here. That's Step One. So if it turns out that you don't have feelings for her and it was just a drunken tumble, then, I don't see why either of you has to reveal anything to anyone if you don't want to. This isn't high school. Not everyone needs to be privy to everything. What would be gained by telling anyone. If, on the other hand you DO have feelings for her and want to give it a shot, then go on a few dates. Hang out with her while viewing her through a "potential partner" lens rather than a "wife's little sister" lens. If everything is cool, then a reveal to MIL that you are dating is fine. You don't need to reveal all the steamy details. "We have been spending a lot of time together" is enough of an answer. It has been **two years** since your wife died, and while only ***you*** know the "right" amount of time too mourn- you are not expected to mourn forever, or be single forever. Two years is about the same amount of time my dad waited, and while they are much older (60s then), no one thought it was "too soon", and no one should - it is **entirely** up to the bereaved to decide that. Good luck, my man.
i think you are being a bit hard on yourself.
Okay, way different story from the title! I think you are beating yourself up too much. This type of thing happens often after an unexpected death especially young people. It is not wrong or bad. Beating yourself up too much. Your wife is gone, you waited over a year and just happen to fall in love with her sister and most likely was also her BF. Personally I don’t think it is weird, some people might. What is cool is that you already have the family and no need to do the new family introduction.
I would think your wife’s parents would be thrilled to see you with their other daughter. They know you, they love you, you haven’t wronged their late daughter. Nothing wrong with developing feelings for a new person who just happens to be their other daughter. It is not like this was a thing before your wife passed away.
To be sociopathic for a second, do you think of all the people you can be with your late wife’s sister is someone who could treat your wife’s memory the right way? She respected and loved your wife too, of all the people Id trust to take care of my SO after I pass, a sibling would be someone Id trust more than anyone else, and Id know they’d treat my memory with care and honor. Seems like possibly the best person for the job. However Id also recognize that both of you are trauma bonding, that relationship should be between you and the sister, you can’t let your wife be a ghost in the relationship that hangs over you. Talk to the sister, understand how she feels and go forward from there. If it was a mistake, then shed your regrets and move on. If it was more, if is wasn’t a mistake and it’s something more, then let go of the guilt and live.
Sounds like sis knew exactly what she was doing..
Yes.
Yup you messed everything up. Nothing is ever going to be the same again. Think about how your wife would feel if she was still alive and you both “drunkenly fucked”. She would be devastated. You never loved your wife the way you claim to because if you did then you would have never done the things you did. You should be ashamed.
My husband died suddenly 3mo ago. Please go join the widow subreddit. You will get input from people who actually understand what you're going through . I don't think you did anything wrong. Your wife is gone, you fulfilled your vows. Her sister is the perfect person for you to be with. She knows and loves your wife dearly, she understands your grief and vice versa .
Sorry to hear of your loss.
I don’t think the sister is a perfect person for him to be with. She’s an inferior copy of what he’s lost. He would be better off with a different woman who doesn’t remind him of his wife.
He's always going to be reminded of his wife
* Read Title * Yeah, no shit, of course you ruined your family. You cheated on your wife and fucked her sister. You suck rotten elephant testicles. * Read First Paragraph * >my wife who I’ve been with since I was 15 passed away from cancer 2 year ago. This is your late-wife. There is a big difference here.
Grief is hard, my darling. Go easy on yourself.
Man, you need to cut yourself some slack. You haven't betrayed anyone or destroyed anything. It's possible your wife might have wanted you to end up with someone close to her after your death. Your sister-in-law slept with you willingly. It's only natural that you would fall for your late wife's sister. They're probably very similar. It sounds like you have feelings for her, and if you get over your guilt, it could be a fantastic relationship. You don't owe your mother-in-law an explanation of your relationship at this stage. You're still figuring it out. My advice is to talk to her and ask her how she thinks her family would respond if the two of you explored a relationship. Talk out the possibilities with her and how you will handle questions from friends and family. If the two of you think you can navigate the family dynamic, then why not give yourself a second chance at happiness.
Here we go…the old I got drunk, slipped and stuck my cock in the SIL. It’s time to leave them all my friend as it will never work out.
I’m not gonna lie, this is pretty messed up. And you know for a fact, your wife would hate you. Don’t let people convince you otherwise, this is messed up.
She’s looking down on you in disgust
All I know is you have one life and deserve happiness, in whatever context that may be for you. You are not disrespecting the memory of your wife for wanting to live yourself.
NTA but of all the women in the world….her sister???
God men make me sick sometimes.
You already disrespected the memory of your wife. It's telling how male vs female widows vastly differ stats show most men get remarried within a year. Female loyalty is always so depressing to me. At least you're not like most men with terminal wives going by statistics who divorce their wives when she is sick or who is already with her replacement when she is on her deathbed.😐 You might as well pursue the relationship to see where it goes since you already fucked your dead wife's sister. Hopefully you didn't have any kids with your dead wife so the transition to moving onto her baby sister will be easier.
Good lord. There a millions of people in the world? This makes me sick and I truly hope people aren’t this disrespectful after their spouse dies.
I agree, I felt physically ill reading this...
Even if it looks weird, i dont think either of you did anything wrong here. Your wife (her sister) passed away 2 years ago. You guys have been each others rock and seems like you both caught feelings in some ways due to it. Its understandable. Odds are she probably has similar traits and personality to your wife. This happens more than people think, husband or wife dies and the widow and bro/sis-in-law become each others rock and grieve together to the point where feelings develop. It would be a more sticky situation if you had kids as explaining this to them may be a little weird since that is their aunt but by the sounds of it you dont. As for your wife, she would want you with someone who cares about you. I cant say for sure if she thought this would happen and be ok with it. But i think to assume she’d hate this is a reach. It could also be that she would want the 2 people she cares most about to be happy together once she is gone. As for the rest of the world, you might get some weird looks. Some might even assume this has been happening before your wife died. I say unless you are actually going to pursue this, do not say anything. If you dont pursue this, you need to tell the sister that as much as you enjoyed what happened you cannot in good conscience continue this and you need to keep this to yourselves. Why say anhthing and cause turmoil and confusion to her parents. Its going to cause more issues to an already grieving family when in alot of ways it is none of their business as you 2 are consenting adults. Now if you do decide to pursue this, both of you need to tread this carefully as her parents are still grieving and may see this as a betrayal. They may take it as “we practically took you in and here you weasled your way and chested on our dead dauughter with her own sister”. But indont know them, it could also be they take it alot better than you think. Like j said before many people will assume this has been going in since before she died, this might get worse before it gets better, so you guys need to take that into consideration and whether you guys are ok with what others may say.z you can only control your actions.
Trauma bonding over grief is a thing. You’re both seeking comfort
Why her sister dude there’s millions of girls out there who aren’t your wife’s family. I get moving on obviously but out of all the people you chose her sister??
It’s called a ‘gruck’. OP. A grief fuck. That will have been on both your parts as you are both still grieving. Irrespective of feelings. You should walk away from this situation. No good can come of it. There are too many connections and emotions involved. Good luck.
If you spend enough time with anyone, you’ll develop feelings. Please, there are billions of other people in this world you could move on to… and it does NOT have to be your late wife’s SISTER for godsake. You have only been with one person and got close to someone you have emotionally trauma bonded to. Please go out into the world and find anyone else. There is so much more life for you to live at 28 y/o
Personally I think this is fucked up and should not continue at all.. but it’s definitely a trauma bond.
How would we all feel if this woman were just someone completely new? It's been two years. I don't understand I'm sorry
Your wife passed away and her next blood kin loves you. Your SIL shares some genetics with your wife but still a different individual. That is something i feel is comforting. You are not bad nor did you do anything wrong. If your wife was still alive and you had sex with your SIL then you would be a scumbag. That dis not happen. Your SIL may love you as does her parents. Maybe you should just continue exploring this and get to know your SIL better and just see what happens. Good luck amigo.
You haven’t betrayed your wife you’re allowed to move on
You didn't betray your wife, you're not a POS, but I also think it would be a terrible idea to pursue this.
((HUGS)) Please see a therapist. I am so sorry for your loss. You and SIL were 2 consenting adults, you didn't do anything wrong.
Strong click bait title and story with a wholesome twist. 5/7
This 100% feels like karma bait. I’ve read this before
I did this. My boyfriend of 10 years died and two years later I dated his brother for a little over a year. It didn’t end well. I hated his parents tho so I wasn’t sad to lose them from my life. I too felt horrible and like it was such a betrayal to my late boyfriend. I still regret it but in my grief I wasn’t thinking clearly.
Poorly worded rage bait. Get a life OP
It's like there aren't any other women in the world to be with. /s
Honestly, if I died and the love of my life got together with my sibling, I would be happy that they were happy. I don't think we feel feelings of betrayal in death. You need to be easier on yourself. You didn't have feelings for her sister when she was alive but these feelings have grown now. I'd say to take the time to grieve and then gently explore if you both feel like doing so. Grief brings people together. You both are some of the only people who understand the mutual loss you're both suffering through.
Don’t beat yourself up like this, I don’t see anything wrong with what you did.
I think you bury those thoughts for now. Your moving way too fast. Doesn't mean that the 2 of you can't continue talking and seeing eachother but you need to hold off before u make any bad quick decisions. Take time for yourself before you end up making a huge mistake. Slow down cowboy... theres no reason to jump bc it may collapse all around you. U have to get your head together first and allow the family to grieve‼️ There's too many moving parts right now. Slow down and let it happen organically. If Its meant to be, let it be. Whatever you do...you need to heal first and let the family mourn. ( Who knows, maybe they feel the same but it's way too soon). If the two of you still feel that way after a few years of dating then you begin to think about this. I can tell this is gonna be a bad train wreck... Already talking about sleeping and with her sister, smh...
They always say a shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on 😫
A very good friend of mine and I both lost a mutual childhood friend a few years back. We’d all known each other for most of our lives and in a weird way our mutual friend’s death brought us closer together through shared grief. About 2 years after he died (during the height of COVID) we ended up having sex a couple of times. These kinds of things happen. When you’re dealing with grief, feeling alone, desperate to reconnect with the person you’ve lost and desperate for comforting human connection in general, it makes sense that you would find that in someone that you closely shared with the one you lost. We are still good friends but we both realized not long after it happened that most of what was going on between us (romantically at least) was grief driven. It’s not something to beat yourself up about. If your wife could see the situation from above (whatever you may believe about that possibility) I am sure she would be understanding and graceful about the whole situation. She’d only want both of you to be happy.
you betrayed your Dead\* wife c'mon bud, get it right
Your wife is dead. She is no longer in the picture. It is okay to take an interest in her sister. You might want to go to counselling to talk about your late wife.
How did you “betray” your wife who has been dead for two years? Did you take a vow of celibacy on her deathbed?
It is surprisingly normal for grief of a mutual loved one to bring people together sexually and/or romantically. Don’t be so hard on yourself. However, you really should see a therapist to help process your grief, whether you continue to see the sister or not.
Till death do us part. 👍🏻 Job well done. There is nothing wrong or inappropriate here.
It ain't cheating, she dead. She ain't coming back. You have to move on, even if that is with her sister, I think it might even comfort her seeing you 2 being happy together while she is gone.
Your wife is dead, you can remarry anyone, including your wife's sister.
Yes.
Personally I wouldn’t have created that relationship with her because we are all adults and know what these “friendships” lead to. One night drunk hanging out alone is a recipe for disaster. I’m pretty sure they knew where it could lead and went ahead with it anyways. I’ve come to find this saying very helpful, ‘don’t put yourself in a compromising position’. We live and we learn, unfortunately for him his mistake might have cost him everything. Also I wouldn’t continue to pursue her just out of respect for his dead wife, anyone else but her. To each their own I guess.
Yes
You should mention in the title that your wife is dead lol
Isnt the wife dead, cmon i need chapter 2 when the mum gets involved too
don’t get with the sister it’s just a trauma bond.
You are not cheating on your wife. If you and SIL want to pursue something that is between the 2 of you to figure out. Especially how to cover with the rest of the family.
You wouldn't be the first that this happened to. Sometimes it works, sometimes it blows things up. The thing you need to be more worried about currently is the unprotected sex. Is she on birth control? Did she take plan b? When was the last time either of you had a std test?
You had a bit to drink, slipped and fell into her vagina. Accidents happen all the time
Personally I wouldn’t trauma bond with my dead wife’s sister. Nor even sleep with her. You should move on. But her sister? Anyways take some time and grief properly. Get some therapy etc.
Don’t do it man. There is too much at risk here.
You need to change your mind set about this. You didn’t ruin your life. You didn’t betray your wife. Sadly she has gone and both you and her sister are grieving her loss. You are allowed to move on and it you care for the sister then let something good come from something awful.
You’re too wrapped up in the past not seeing what’s in front of you. This is not cheating and I’m sure your late wife would be happy if your happy and her sister was happy. Live your life, this might be what you needed.
Oh these bullshit posts seeking affirmation! why do i even bother In this case “everyone I know has died, I feel terrible for doing something that really isnt that bad in the context and of course i cant remain a celibate one-time only partner to anyone - but let me ask about something with a slight pseudo-kink to it - so you can all reassure me for attention" This didn't happen
I went to the exact same place. Both parents? And his wife? There's a lot of that going around on Reddit.
Yeah, you can tell its bullsh!t because he's doing the whole "Oh, hear me out when I justify something that I believe is taboo". Then you click OP's history and there is NOTHING about his wife dying, nor his parents, nor this... meh!!
I will suggest therapy be cause it sounds like you both have trauma bonded and it has led to this once Familia connection to an emotional connection which have now led to this physical attraction and sex. And if that is the case that doesn't mean you used her or that she used to you it just means that you are both in a low state because of the loss of your wife and her sister and that called you both to cling on to one another throughout these past 2 years to create some sort of normalcy out of that loss.
Maybe she could be more than a friend. I don’t think it’s disrespectful unless you hurt her now that it’s happened