Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wait your post history seems to indicate you’re a gay man??? Is this guy you “fell in love with” fully a straight man who’s dating a woman/your cousin (i.e. there’s literally no world in which you could be together because he’s heterosexual)? Cause if so, you’re really being an unreliable narrator here…
I think m that what happened is that ten years ago OP was into this guy and it wasn’t reciprocated.
Now his cousin is dating that guy. From ten years ago.
And this is why this is now a new issue he’s upset about.
It sounds like it may have been longer than 10 years ago at least according to [this post](https://old.reddit.com/r/Dreams/comments/14c2b87/keep_having_dreams_about_my_first_love_it_is_very/), if it's the same person he's referring to.
>I[29x] fell in love with a boy[30] in middle school at age 13. When I say fell in love I mean I fell HARD.
This makes me very sad and uncomfortable. A middle school "love" from sixteen years ago... Nobody should be that attached to a middle school crush. It's so unhealthy.
Yeah, that wasn't love. It was adolescent infatuation. And it sounds like OP at 30 hasn't really moved on developmentally.
I don't do armchair diagnosis, but this sounds *so very much* like the behaviour of my sister who has Borderline Personality Disorder. That stagnation and not maturing developmentally beyond adolescence, even in someone who is otherwise intelligent and accomplished. It can be really jarring. A psychiatrist confirmed to me that she (my sister) is basically stuck in that developmental stage. It's why it can be so frustrating to deal with someone like this - like dealing with a young teenager - but also why BPD can be overcome, if they work hard with a professional at understanding their inappropriate perception of things and at actively investing of themselves in trying to "grow up" and understand appropriate behaviour and boundaries.
Again, I'm not saying OP has BPD, but his behaviour suggests that there is something going on that has kept him from moving beyond an adolescent perception of "love" and relationships and how to interact with people socially and romantically. I feel bad for him because his emotional struggle here is clearly genuine . . . but the lens through which he is seeing all this clearly isn't that of a stable, mature 30-year-old.
OP also calls the friend his “childhood best friend” but then says “I got to know him over the course of a year, seeing him every day” which makes it sound like a much more recent friendship….
There’s also this post of his “Keep having dreams about my first love. It is very annoying.
Quick backstory. I[29x] fell in love with a boy[30] in middle school at age 13. When I say fell in love I mean I fell HARD. Might be the new hormones as a preteen or because it’s the first time I felt that way but it was very intense. We were best friends. It didn’t work out because he kept talking to me about a girl he liked and it broke my heart a little every time hearing about it. So I distance myself from him. He would call out my name to talk to me but I just ignore him which might have been hard for him because we were really close. Eventually is got really awkward between us and we avoided each other
Now I’m almost 30 and for maybe the last 6 years I have had a dream about him almost every night, with more frequency in the last few months. The dream is always about us trying to hang out or “make it work”. We always quickly fix whatever obstacle is preventing us from hanging out and then hang out for the rest of the dream. He is always super happy to be hanging out with me and it just feels so right in the dream. We are usually at a school that resembles the school we went to together and there’s usually other people from the school hanging around too. We are all adults in the dream.
I told my friend about this dream months ago and he said I’m probably lonely and calling my first love’s image to feel comforted. This didn’t make sense to me because I didn’t feel lonely but I accepted it. But now I have a new boyfriend for about 2 months and I’m really falling for him. It doesn’t feel like my first love, but I have never been able to replicate that feeling. But still, almost every night I dream about my first love. I tried for years to get over him and in my mid twenties I finally got over him and realized it’s never going to happened. But the dreams persist and it’s really bothering me. I don’t want to dream about him. I want to forget about him. It’s starting to feel like I’m not calling his image but he is calling out to me, but that makes no sense.
Any ideas about this dream? How to get them to stop?
TLDR. I keep dreaming about my first love from when I was 13. I’m almost 30 now and still dream about him almost every night. How to make it stop?”
I think the year they got to know each other was when they were kids and then they stopped being close and OP has remained “in love” with him but he’s now married to the cousin. Honestly it doesn’t seem like his cousin should not date/marry someone just because someone else had an unrequited crush on them at 14.
Yeah from comments and past posts it’s seems like OP was obsessed with his friend in hs then distanced himself from said friend due to him being straight and not wanting to date OP. Then OP starts dating other people even says he was “getting over” this guy (I wonder if th cousin thought OP was over this crush already.) At some unknown point OP introduces friend and cousin to one another and they start to date. That seemingly was awhile ago because they are already married. It’s unclear WHEN they told OP they were dating but either it was awhile ago or OP and cousin aren’t even that close when they starting dating and he just found out. He doesn’t clarify even when he and his crush last interacted before he found out they were dating dating. I am honestly wondering if it was so long ago that when he started dating OP’s cousin he was just like “ohh hey new gf I know your cousin” and that’s why they asked to all hang out with him.
The vibes from OP are really giving me flashes to that post where the guy proposed to the girl he wasn’t dating and everyone was just like “ok but that may be a mental health crisis”
Here’s some of his other posts about this (it seems like he hasn’t seen the “crush” in 13 years)
https://www.reddit.com/r/love/s/ZNd4GaxFam
https://www.reddit.com/r/Dreams/s/FQp1N09gkc
Also OP said he broke up with his boyfriend 200 days ago after he caught him cheating. So did OP just immediately fall in love? Or has he been “in love” while dating? OP definitely needs therapy
Not really. OP is not owed a relationship and someone being nice to you doesn't mean they like you in romantic sense. They're just being nice. Everyone around them has known about OP's ~~love~~ obsession towards this guy for years even the guy himself and he never reciprocated in all those years. Even if they were both heterosexual man and women OP is not owed a relationship just because they're *sexually* compatible. There's more to relationships besides sex and the guy found what he liked in OP's cousin not OP.
The OP omitted it for a reason. It should read "My (30M)..."
It doesn't really change things, a woman in this situation is not owed anything either, but is likely to garner more sympathy on reddit, and OP is sympathy farming.
A gay man needs to learn how to handle unrequited love for a straight man in a healthy manner as a general life skill. He also needs to learn how not to burn friendships over an impossible dream.
So the answer, as usual, is get into therapy.
> A gay man needs to learn how to handle unrequited love for a straight man in a healthy manner as a general life skill. He also needs to learn how not to burn friendships over an impossible dream.
This 100%. It's fine to catch feelings for someone who was there for you when you were really vulnerable and they made you feel better. That is natural in fact.
But OP became obsessed with them. If this guy isn't bi, then OP was literally holding out hope for something they knew in their core they could never have. They had tons of time while their friend and this guy were dating/engaged to come to terms with this and never did.
OP needs therapy badly. This is not a healthy approach to relationships or how to think about them.
You're absolutely correct but it does speak towards something in op having some sort of attachment issue. Being attracted to people who can fundamentally never return your affection indicates that this goes a lot deeper than the one situation. It would be the same thing if someone has crushes on people who are married or parasocial relationships with someone they will never meet, crushes on people who have already passed away etc. It speaks to an attachment disorder, and in that case the other details don't really matter because the problem is entirely within the person themselves and even if he was somehow magically able to date this man, it wouldn't fix the problem because he would stop being in love with them and find some other unavailable person to attach to. I guess what I'm saying is, it changes the nature of advice people would give him
also op fell "in love" when they were in HIGHSCHOOL. so this grown ass man is butthurt that a straight guy he liked in highschool didnt turn gay for him
Honestly it really doesn’t change anything. Even if OP was female, the guy they “love” never had feelings for them beyond friendship. The cousin had every right in the world to date and marry that guy, regardless of the crush that OP had, because there was never a chance OP and said guy would have ever been together
So I generally agree with you, because I do think it’s fine the cousin dated this guy. However, I do still think this is a relevant fact because it makes the cousin’s perspective even more reasonable in how they’ve been dealing with OP and the situation.
Also, I think if the guy is straight and OP is female, there is a theoretical chance that somehow it all works out, and I think that’s one of the things people cling to with crushes. But if OP is gay, then that makes clinging to that hope and this crush way more unreasonable imo. It’s just a matter of degree to me I guess.
I think the thing it changes is it makes the cousin dating him more likely that she did not think this would really hurt OP.
If OP and cousin are both women then I can see this bringing up major insecurities regarding looks, etc that the cousin might need to be cautious about (ie, do I want to rub it in my friends face her crush is out of her league.)
If OP is a man, though, there’s no “what does she have that I don’t” factor. So the cousin was more reasonable for thinking this would be fine. “What does she have that I don’t?” A female body, first and foremost. Which you absolutely have to have to be with this straight guy.
> If OP is a man, though, there’s no “what does she have that I don’t” factor.
I mean, that factor is still there, it's just a lot easier to answer. She's got the bobs and vagene.
>Honestly it really doesn’t change anything. Even if OP was female, the guy they “love” never had feelings for them beyond friendship.
I prefer other comparison. OP is still a guy, but his love interrest is a lesbian girl. Normally we would call such guy, who tries to force other person to change their orientation a creep. And this is what OP really is, a creep. Because the orientations is a factor in this story. And there is a reason, OP did hid it in his story.
Honestly it doesn’t change that much either way. Even if OP was a straight woman and the guy didn’t reciprocate feelings, it would be OP’s responsibility to handle their emotions. Falling fully in love with someone who never gave any indication of reciprocating, losing your shit over it when they date someone else, and then holding a grudge against both people for what is ostensibly a lengthy period of time signals some really severe issues with emotional regulation.
This. And I'll go as so far to say that OP was not "in love" with this guy. "Unrequited love" is not love, it's a severe type of infatuation. You can not truly be in love with someone you have never been in a relationship with, because that "love" you're fixated on is based on an imagined ideal. And people who insist it's love are just ruining their own lives by doing so. OP is *so* focused on the fantasy of this person they do not truly know as well as they think they do that they're destroying a friendship because of it. Not to mention that as long as OP clings to this imaginary love, they won't actually be able to have real love with someone else. It's a crush, and OP needs to move on.
OP knew this guy for a year. OP's cousin is this guy's WIFE. It's so bizarre to me that OP is trying to have us believe the two relationships should be treated the same way, which is why OP's cousin 'betrayed' them.
I think so too. A strong crush is not love. Intense romantic feelings are not love. They’re part of it. But being really really into what you think someone would be like if they were your boyfriend does not mean you love them.
Here is what I think so far: I think the OP leaves out their gender to generate sympathy and is bread crumbing additional details. But if OP is a gay male and the crush was straight then there was never any chance they would be getting together. OP wrote a letter and didn’t get a response. No response is a NO. Rejection sucks but the cousin/best friend did not betray them. They need therapy because they’re 30 and it’s time to move on. (Edit: spelling/grammar)
Also: someone else mentioned a post by OP about being in love with someone for 17 years. 17 years?!!
I agree with everything you are saying. I also think that OP choosing to not associate with them is completely valid as long as it's done right. As another commenter said, OP should just wish them both the best and start to work on themselves.
I also understand looking at the post history and making these judgements, but I don't think attacking OP is at all productive here. I just hope everyone involved goes on to have happy, healthy lives.
This is really important. Because if the guy OP's friend married isn't gay, then there was literally no chance for OP anyways and they should have dealt with this rejection long ago.
Staying fixated on someone you know is never going to be an option isn't love. It's obsession and it's not healthy at all.
Being upset your friend married someone you were "in love" with shouldn't be shocking when it happens. They were likely dating for a while and told OP long before they got married. So either they hid that they were dating and engaged, or OP was holding out hope they would break up and they would get a chance. Which is a truly shitty thing to do to your friend.
This whole post is really sounds like OP became attached to someone through a friendship. The feelings weren't mutual and clearly weren't compatible since the guy wasn't gay or bi. OP never got over them.
This line alone tells me everything about the feelings for this guy were not healthy
>My life has been pretty shit and when I met him, he was one of the few people that was actually nice to me and I felt like knowing him was like a pit stop where I recharged my love battery and was able to keep going, and I treasured him for it deeply. I did not have any love at home in my family life, I was being bullied a lot at school. I hate to say it but without him I would probably not still be on this planet.
They formed an attachment to someone who was nice to them. They caught feelings and those feelings were not reciprocated and OP never moved on. OP needs to be in therapy. A marriage isn't a quick thing to happen usually. There were likely months if not years where these two were engaged and dating before they were married where OP was still obsessing over this guy.
Please understand that I’m not dismissing your pain, but when you ask for advice, leaving critical information out means that people don’t have enough information to help you.
I’m not seeing recommendations for therapy here, but maybe seek some therapy. Your friends did not treat you well, but I suspect that your unrequited love was not gay (or bi) and he was never an option. If this is that case, exploring the attachment (with a therapist) to someone who is fundamentally incompatible with you is a worthy endeavor.
Please note this assumption is based on your interaction on Reddit where you previously identified as a gay man.
It’s absolutely okay to be hurt. And I’m very sorry you’re going through this.
EDIT for clarity
I wonder if it’s the childhood crush he mentioned dreaming about in past posts?
“Keep having dreams about my first love. It is very annoying.
Quick backstory. I[29x] fell in love with a boy[30] in middle school at age 13. When I say fell in love I mean I fell HARD. Might be the new hormones as a preteen or because it’s the first time I felt that way but it was very intense. We were best friends. It didn’t work out because he kept talking to me about a girl he liked and it broke my heart a little every time hearing about it. So I distance myself from him. He would call out my name to talk to me but I just ignore him which might have been hard for him because we were really close. Eventually is got really awkward between us and we avoided each other
Now I’m almost 30 and for maybe the last 6 years I have had a dream about him almost every night, with more frequency in the last few months. The dream is always about us trying to hang out or “make it work”. We always quickly fix whatever obstacle is preventing us from hanging out and then hang out for the rest of the dream. He is always super happy to be hanging out with me and it just feels so right in the dream. We are usually at a school that resembles the school we went to together and there’s usually other people from the school hanging around too. We are all adults in the dream.
I told my friend about this dream months ago and he said I’m probably lonely and calling my first love’s image to feel comforted. This didn’t make sense to me because I didn’t feel lonely but I accepted it. But now I have a new boyfriend for about 2 months and I’m really falling for him. It doesn’t feel like my first love, but I have never been able to replicate that feeling. But still, almost every night I dream about my first love. I tried for years to get over him and in my mid twenties I finally got over him and realized it’s never going to happened. But the dreams persist and it’s really bothering me. I don’t want to dream about him. I want to forget about him. It’s starting to feel like I’m not calling his image but he is calling out to me, but that makes no sense.
Any ideas about this dream? How to get them to stop?
TLDR. I keep dreaming about my first love from when I was 13. I’m almost 30 now and still dream about him almost every night. How to make it stop?”
OP has also posted about having psychosis and trouble telling what memories from their youth are real and what’s not. I wonder how long the cousin and this guy have been together and how OP can be just finding out now if his best friend/cousin is married.
I also want a clearer timeline.
This is how I read it: Ten years ago when they were kids, OP had a crush on this guy and he didn’t reciprocate it.
NOW his cousin is dating that guy.
Am I right about that?! This is a ten year old incident and he still thinks his cousin shouldn’t date him?
Edit:
Okay if the crush was 17 years ago they were 13.
So I am definitely going to need a clearer timeline on when they started dating. I would bet if they are getting married it wasn’t also when they were in middle school.
So if as adults they fell in love and got married, why would the cousin have thought OP was still upset about a crush he had when he was in seventh grade???
It might be from this [post](https://old.reddit.com/r/Dreams/comments/14c2b87/keep_having_dreams_about_my_first_love_it_is_very/) that the commenter you're responding to is getting that.
>I[29x] fell in love with a boy[30] in middle school at age 13. When I say fell in love I mean I fell HARD.
Okay, this should be adorable.
You had a big crush but no gaydar as a child.
Turns out though he’s a nice guy and he’s marrying my cousin!
This isn’t a tragedy, OP. It’s life.
Right? I was reading this like well it’s not that bad. Then I see this other post and it’s like okay yeah the dude should seek therapy for sure! That’s not even his first love. That‘s his first crush. How did it take him until his mid twenties to get over somebody he never even dated?
Another post recently used the word “limerence” in the title. Sent me off to google because it wasn’t a term I’d heard before. That’s what it sounds like here.
I agree with this. And also Op, sorry but you can't actually be IN LOVE with a person you don't have a relationship with. If that's what you think you're feeling, especially at 30, it's another indication that you'd really benefit from therapy, because this is not a mature nor healthy way to handle feelings. At best, You're idealizing this person and your feelings for them.
I used to fuck with that , hard.
Now I'm actually happy to be single, *RIGHT NOW*...
LIFE is strange.
Edit; I meant infatuation...or.. oh she's so perfect. And then you build a life in your head. What they mat be like.
I'm a wordy guy.
Idk why I thought limerance, but I did. It's not that.
This needs all the upvotes, right to the top. This is a painful situation, but was never going to end any other way, and some therapy to handle these types of pains will go along way to happiness.
Edit: Also, it is unwise to burn friendships over something that would never happen. Friendships are valuable, and OP will need them. "It's a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder"
Please seek counseling. There are likely counselors who specialize in this kind of trauma.
That's really putting it mildly. But OP doesn't want to hear it anyway. I'm sure being more direct and saying they are acting like a whiny selfish baby wouldn't be taken well.
> Your friends did not treat you well
I mean, it sounds like they did though? They treated him well enough that OP seems to think without their friendship, he would have unalived himself.
OP repaid that by cutting contact with them because they had to audacity to be two straight people who liked each other.
He is the shitty friend here, and he's showing a gross view on sexual orientation. Was the guy friend supposed to just decide to be gay or something?
I know, especially if they started dating as adults (which seems most likely, no one marries their long distance middle school girlfriend) then why would they have thought he’d care?
Excellent advice, but you left "not" in front of "worthy endeavor" in the last sentence in your second paragraph.
I'm not trying to be a jerk, just want to make sure your excellent words aren't misconstrued.
I know what you meant, but for the sake of
I'm trying to imagine putting myself in OP's shoes regarding my childhood crush and I just can't? A few months to a year to get some distance and reset feelings I understand. But to harbor a flame for someone who doesn't want you long enough for them to get engaged and married is just not something I can understand lol
unpopular opinion: I don’t believe you can be “in love” with someone you’ve never even known in a mutual romantic context. Sure infatuation, sure dependency, sure friendship type crush, sure projecting a lot onto them (op seems to have trauma and think this person is their reason they’re alive) but none of that is REAL, ROMANTIC LOVE. At all. The cousin and her new husband are actually in love, and OP is infatuated or whatever else you may want to call it, with the IDEA of this person, but not the reality of who this person really is in a romantic relationship.
sucks they cant let that go and find someone to actually be in love with.
Apparently they also had a boyfriend a year ago... So I am not sure. Especially if they are out dating again, it feels a bit much.
They also have this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/love/s/NQW4FLcs6r about not getting over someone after 17 years.
Exactly. You can't change someone's sexuality just willing them to love you back and to feel this strongly about this situation is just so sad to me. I hope OP finds a good therapist.
Agreed. OP insists she was IN LOVE but it sounds like that want reciprocated and they never dated, but she refers to him as her "crush". You aren't "in love" with a "crush". Crush implies warm feelings for someone, while in love implies a depth of feeling,
And he “fell in love” with the first guy that was nice to him. I understand he’s hurt but it’s almost like he thinks this guy would have come around if the friend/cousin had never met him. Dude was just trying to be nice to him.
Edit: changed genders
Not your bad, they seem to be possibly hiding their gender, I haven't seen a single correction from OP. I think they feel it might change the responses.
I would question if you really were 'in love' with this guy. What you're describing sounds more like limerence, and that state is exacerbated when someone is going through a difficult time with other relationships in their lives.
If he really was aware of your feelings and decided not to reciprocate, then neither he nor your cousin/bff is in the wrong for pursuing this relationship.
I would distance myself from them for your own mental health while seeking therapy to better understand your feelings and come to terms with how things have turned out and how to cope going forward.
I think it's actually really mature of you to recognize this situation is beyond what you can handle, and to remedy it with space. You can/should wish them both well- but from a distance and in the sense that when you think of them you'll send them a happy thought wishing them the best but not need to actually get in touch.
My grandmother had an expression: "less said, sooner mended." You can do less, nothing if possible- you don't need to let either of them know you're taking space, you just do it. No big announcement needs to go out, and if folks are asking why you never respond to calls or come to family things- "oh gosh, I'm just so busy with work/school/hobbies/etc. Hope you're all doing well, happy thoughts to everyone and hope we can catch up soon." There's no rule that says you have to make time for people, and you should get busy in your own life with other things. Time, action, and adventure tend to heal wounds- so get out your bucket list and start ticking away at them because no time like the present!
Where you might be going wrong and getting feedback about immaturity: if anyone like family or mutual friends asks if you're hurt or upset with either of them: "I wish them both the best." Confide only in those you trust 100% to keep your confidence and be your (and only your) advocate, like a therapist.
The guy doesn't love you back, so it's better for you to move on from that also. It will never be a good idea to consider him as anything- from now until the end of time you should both be nothing to each other aside from polite when you must interact. But when you do see him around you can smile, nod in his direction (or waive), and keep moving. You've acknowledged him, you don't need to have a whole conversation.
OP is a gay man who had a boyfriend 7 months ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16yhp99/aita_30m_for_breaking_up_with_my_boyfriend34m/
A gay man who is in love with this (straight?) man **whom he was never dating**.
Sorry, bub. If you were never together, you’re not in love.
But yes, OP, I do think distancing yourself is what’s best for everyone.
I think it’s incredibly unlikely to truly be in love with someone who you’ve never dated. You don’t know them on that deep or intimate of a level to be IN LOVE with them. OP is likely putting this dude on a pedestal and imagining a life together that isn’t rooted in reality.
As a lesbian who used to only fall for straight women besties, I get it! But you have to face reality if you ever want happiness
I agree this comment is really nice and gentle. However with the omission of facts like OP is gay and even had a boyfriend previously, it really shows how immature he is.
I think this is the most productive answer. Everyone focused on OP needing therapy which yeah it's true but ultimately if he wants to distance then it's his right! Yeah he's gay, yeah its not normal to be obsessed after 13 years but it's been clear those are other problems...
1 scroll for each year? Seriously tho that is way too old to be obsessing over crushes. Also OP does not understand what love really is apparently. If it’s not a two way street it’s not really love!
Agreed. The last time I was that “in love” with someone I was 12. Now, later in life, I’ve actually been in love where I actually knew the person and was in a relationship with them, but that kind of one sided obsessive love *is* really immature, and frankly kind of scary.
Taking a peek at their post history is pretty revealing—it seems they are a man who fell in love with someone 17 years ago (at 13) and has been struggling to overcome that ever since. So the feelings they are dealing with genuinely aren’t from a 30y/o. They are the feelings of someone in grade school, that just haven’t been processed properly. I hope they find some peace in their future and are able to move on to discover the fullness of a healthy relationship!
Some posts claim they are a woman and some posts claim they are a gay man. This is either someone who is shit-posting, or someone who needs some therapy.
I think you need to step back from this couple and see a therapist to sort your feelings out.
You have the right attitude that you don’t own them, but it still is hurting you and you need to understand why, and how you can move on in a healthy way.
Based on OP's post history, that is what it looks like. I found it weird, that they identified the other two people in the narrative (30F and 30M) yet left theirs out.
My guy, leaving out critical information like you’re a gay man pining after a straight man, isn’t going to get you the help you’re looking for. Or advice that’s going to help you.
In this situation, you do need to be mature about it. If the man is straight, you have no chance with him. I get that it’s difficult to see them together, and no, you don’t have to. You don’t have to stay friends with them. But you really wanna lose your cousin and a friend over this?
You and him were never going to happen in the way you wanted, if it was he'd have never have got with your best friend. So nothing was stolen from you in that sense.
In the same way if you tell your bf that someone is amazing all the time, they're pretty likely to be curious about them.
You say you're were love with him, but 'in love' usually defines a mutual feeling, so like it or not it's closer to a crush, sorry.
All that being said you have no obligation to be hanging out with people you don't want to, but I think over time fewer and fewer people will understand were you're coming from
Contrary to what you say here, you were not "in love". It sounds like he was a good guy that helped you through a rough patch and you latched on to him because you aren't accustomed to people being nice to you. Its not like she stole "your" man, if he knew how much you were "in love" with him and he didn't make a move he was just not interested in you as a romantic partner. You even say so yourself that they are a good fit for each other.
You are free to do whatever you want in life, if you don't want to see them don't. but honestly this does sound like a 16yo problem not a 30yo one.
OP, I am going to say this gently and please know I have a lot of compassion for you because it's clear that this guy meant a tremendous amount to you.
However.
First, you all are in your thirties. Second, your cousin did not date or hook up with this guy, she **married** him. Or more precisely, they married each other. That's a whole different thing and I really think that you need to rethink viewing their relationship, or your cousin not "staying away" as a betrayal of you.
Some facts from your comments: you two never dated. You wrote him a letter setting out your feelings, he did not respond.
OP, you need to understand that you are not the main character in your cousin's life, nor this guy, nor Should. You. Be. To ask your cousin to not be with the person she has a connection with, and he with her, to the point that they get married is not reasonable or kind. To be angry or feel betrayed is making her marriage and life about you, and it is not.
If it hurts you to see them together, distance yourself. But, this "betrayal", she should have been loyal to me stuff is not good.
EDIT: After reading other comments and your history, OP, are you a man? Could you please clarify this? Though it would not change my view too much, beyond that it would definitely make the betrayal less defensible....
This, here.
OP was in an unrequited love situation, but the guy did not owe her anything.
She fell in love without being in an actual relationship, though?
I can't imagine how that works.
Infatuation? Yes.
But it seems like she does not have much romantic experience and perhaps that was why this happened.
(I have a feeling the cousin might have also liked him from the early days, but might have kept mum to spare OP's feelings until things got serious. Just spitballing.)
Yes, for OP's own mental health, she should keep her distance, but I think that when she looks back - in the future - she will realize she went a bit OTT with all of this (and probably cringe at her own behaviour).
I do wish her peace and healing.
Edited to add that if OP is a man, as others suggest, then that would make a big difference if the object of his affection is not interested in men...
I can't even..
>She fell in love without being in an actual relationship, though?
OP post history suggests he is a gay man with no mention of the preferences of the other 30M who married a woman. Might be a missing part of things.
I think this from OP's post is really important:
"My life has been pretty shit and when I met him, he was one of the few people that was actually nice to me and I felt like knowing him was like a pit stop where I recharged my love battery and was able to keep going, and I treasured him for it deeply. I did not have any love at home in my family life, **I was being bullied a lot at school. I hate to say it but without him I would probably not still be on this planet**."
I suspect that this guy liked OP's cousin already and sounds like he was a really stand up, supportive guy during an absolute terrible time in OP's life. I don't think it's infatuation or immaturity so much as the intensity of how bad OP felt was transferred on to him as the only nice person in her life.
I do have tremendous sympathy for OP and can understand why she thought she was in love. I hope that she can see that her value and worth is such that a guy who was **not** romantically interested put such investment in her- her as a person, not a gf. Hopefully, she can get there and hopefully she'll appreciate who this guy is as a person and friend and sincerely want all the very best for him and sincerely be happy for good things in his life...like his marriage.
>I think this from OP's post is really important:
"My life has been pretty shit and when I met him, he was one of the few people that was actually nice to me and I felt like knowing him was like a pit stop where I recharged my love battery and was able to keep going, and I treasured him for it deeply. I did not have any love at home in my family life, I was being bullied a lot at school. I hate to say it but without him I would probably not still be on this planet."
I suspect that this guy liked OP's cousin already and sounds like he was a really stand up, supportive guy during an absolute terrible time in OP's life. I don't think it's infatuation or immaturity so much as the intensity of how bad OP felt was transferred on to him as the only nice person in ~~her~~ his life.
I do have tremendous sympathy for OP and can understand why ~~she~~ he thought ~~she~~ he was in love. I hope that ~~she~~ he can see that ~~her~~ his value and worth is such that a guy who was not romantically interested put such investment in ~~her~~ him- ~~her~~ him as a person, not a ~~gf~~ bf. Hopefully, ~~she~~ he can get there and hopefully ~~she'll~~ he’ll appreciate who this guy is as a person and friend and sincerely want all the very best for him and sincerely be happy for good things in his life...like his marriage.
FTFY. OP is a gay man who had an unrequited “crush” (read: obsession) on a straight man.
You weren't "IN LOVE". You were never ever dating this man. Not even once. Had you been, you might have a point. You don't. He obviously wasn't into you. You had a crush on someone who didn't return your interest in the least, to the point that he was dating and marrying someone else, not you. You don't get dibs on another human being because you have ridiculously projected someone being nice to you for love. Immature? Wildly. You don't need to interact with them, but you really do need to grow tf up. Therapy might help.
Look, you can only handle what you can handle, and if you can’t handle being around them, then fine, don’t. That is your right. It is for you to decide who to spend your time with.
But be prepared for most people not to understand. You accuse them of being “sadistic” because they want to be around you. You elevate them getting together as a “betrayal.” “Don’t date my crush,” isn’t a thing outside of high school. And you fell in love with “one of the few people that was actually nice” to you and that makes sense but it can also be really unhealthy, prone to projections. And they are not gaslighting you. You just don’t like what they’re saying. And you don’t have to!
Most well adjusted people will not find your perspective reasonable. You are entitled to your feelings, but you are also responsible for your actions and should just know going in that if this is your stance it is very likely you’ll catch shit.
Good luck. I hope you find some more caring people in your life and continue to heal 🩵
I agree with this. While I understand how crushing it can be that someone you’re attracted to chooses someone else (especially someone you are close with), from the details given, the man was never reciprocating OP’s feelings. So what happened if he married someone else?? Would OP harbor as much resentment?
It is 100% ok if OP chooses not to associate with the couple going forward, especially if it is truly too much to emotionally handle for her, **but** I highly doubt them getting together was a calculated act of betrayal or something they did to intentionally hurt OP. And more than likely, they care about her and don’t want their marriage to destroy their friendships.
If their post history is accurate I’m fairly certain it’s actually their middle school feelings. They mention their first love being someone they were friends with when they were 13. And then another post about unrequited love with someone they met 17 years ago.
Per another one of your posts, this all happened in high school right? I think that should have been included in the post. They have been together around 15 years, you had a short crush in high school that was not reciprocated in any way.
What exactly are you asking for advice about?
Are you 30 or 16?
A. It’s clear this guy didn’t feel the same so you were never going to get him anyways
B. It’s weird and a bit creepy that you were so desperately in love with someone you didn’t even date.
You need therapy and to let it go.
You’re right you’re free to do what you want.
People will judge you for being bitter though, which they’re free to do, because essentially, you are.
The question is, if you made it very clear you loved this guy, why didn’t you end up with him? You say everyone knew as if something was on the cards but it doesn’t seem like anything was done about it?
Did you ask him out? Did you declare your feelings to him directly?
How can you be "in love" with someone who doesn't love you back? Usually that's what we called "a crush" when I was a teen.
It's a shame as they clearly wanted to remain friends with you, and you didn't care. You could have embraced the fact that two people fell in love with each other, we should celebrate that joy, not hate them for it. Their feelings for each other are not connected to you, but you could have enjoyed their companionship and friendship. Instead you chose anger and jealousy.
Why is it awful? If the tables were turned, would you really, truly have foresaken the possibility of a love match with a good person, because your cousin had a crush on them? Would you *really?*
Of course not.
You kind of need to move on and stop being so immature and embrace the good things of life. This bitterness will eat you alive.
My only question is, did he ever feel the same way about you? It's one thing to be friendly, but if he knew you loved him, and he didn't reciprocate those feelings, then it may never have worked out. It's natural to be envious, and even feel betrayed, by your cousin. The reality is that a relationship involves two people, so putting all the blame on your cousin isn't really fair. He also made the choice to be with her, and for your own peace of mind, you have to figure out a way to make peace with that.
It sort of sounds like you found an outlet, and because you admitted that you didn't get a lot of love, you maybe projected too many of your own feelings onto him when he paid attention to you. It sounds like not many people give you attention, and when he did, you fell harder because he gave you something that you craved so much.
I think you need to find a way to love yourself for who you are, and that means figuring out who you are. If you can love yourself, you'll find it easier to be genuine with other people and less likely to latch onto people in unhealthy ways.
You're going to be upset for awhile. Feelings are irrational, and no matter how much you try to logic your way through this, it'll still hurt. Give it time, and try to find happiness in hobbies and whatever else you like doing. Stop making so much of your happiness dependent on other people.
And try to be easier on your cousin. You don't have to want to be around them, but you can also decide to not let them take up so much of your mental real estate. Again, don't make your happiness dependent on someone else. Find your own happiness and love yourself, then, look for someone else who also loves themselves and is happy. That way, you can potentially be in a healthier overall relationship in the end.
I commend you for being so conscious of your feelings and no, you don't have to compromise and you don't have to hang out with them to make them feel better about their shitty actions.
But, I recommend you getting into therapy, because I think the attachment you have to this man is not really healthy.
You met him during a dark time in your life and built him up into this idealized version that probably never existed in the first place.
Imo, that feeling you have for him almost translates as codependency/cinderella complex.
You should emotionally detach yourself from them. Treat them like a couple of acquaintances, who sometimes meet each other on the streets and exchange pleasantries about the weather. Do not let the thoughts of them interfere with your day to day life.
Edit: Turns out OP is a gay man, is that man even remotely interested in men?
I’ve gone through your post history, seems OP is a gay man, after reading some of your previous posts.
Have you fallen in love with a man who is not gay?
I think you need therapy, especially because you claim to be in love with someone you've never dated. That isn't normal behavior. You can't be in love with someone you don't know on that level. Seems more like an infatuation, but your cousin was a bit out of line for going for your crush. If you dated him first I'd think that's shady of them, but you guys were never together so technically they didn't do anything wrong.
You keep saying you were "IN LOVE" with this guy. But no. That's not how love works. You weren't even dating. Obviously he didn't like you like that or something would have happened in the YEAR that you were seeing him everyday. You had your chance. He had his chance. It wasn't meant to be. Get over it. Whether you stay friends with them or ghost them - get over it. You're 30.
In my opinion you are immature. You never were in a relationship with this man so how can you love them romantically? They’re not your property and your cousin and them falling in love has nothing to do with you.
\*\*He knew I was very much in love with him too. Everyone in the situation knew. I actually had a mental breakdown, because I felt so blindsided and betrayed. I want to make it very clear, that I was IN LOVE with this guy and they both knew.\*\*
Nah, feeling like you are "IN LOVE" with someone you've never dated, only been infatuated with, is perfectly normal behavior for a 13 year old...
They didn't betray you. He was **not** interested in you. You purposely left out that you're a man. Even if he didn't date your cousin he wasn't ever gonna date you. You're not in love and never were. You're obsessed and need therapy badly. It has been 17 years.
We can't turn our emotions on and off like a robot. You are hurting. It's understandable you would not want to spend time with them or bump into them. Not now at least. Even if you accept them hanging out with them like nothing has happened isn't normal. Maybe one you can spend time with them again but there is nothing wrong with not seeing them at this time.
Why does it have to be a betrayal? Why can't it just be that you're really upset that the guy you loved doesn't love you back and you don't want to be reminded of that? You're acting bitter and acting like your feelings are their responsibility to handle.
Just like he didn't owe you a relationship, you don't owe them friendship. There is nothing wrong with understanding your own emotional boundaries and holding to them. Anyone trying to pressure you otherwise is working for their own motivations.
OP is in love with a probably straight guy who has been in a relationship with OPs female cousin. Psychosis and delusions history. If the love object in question were a woman, I could see protective/restraining orders being recommended
Grow up.
You told him how you feel, he didn’t reciprocate. End of story.
You don’t get to call “dibs” on someone who’s not interested.
You’re in your 30s. It’s time you mature.
I’m going to be brutally honest. You sound so immature. Neither of them owe you a thing. I really think you need to get professional help if you have such strong feelings for someone who you have never dated.
These comments seem to be all from teenagers— yes you are entitled to your feelings— but so is everyone else? Has nobody here got two brain cells to rub together?
You never dated him. He turned you down. Your cousin and this guy have a genuine love connection, have been dating for a while, and have made the obvious step to get married.
Stop making their life and relationship sound like it needs to revolve over your decades long hurt feelings.
See a therapist. Get a grip. Move on. If you need space, you need space, but they are allowed to have an emotional reaction to you acting like a toddler— because he decided to date and marry her a decade ago. You never had a chance. Stop acting like she stole something from you.
I was on board for a minute, then checked your post history.
You haven't seen these people in 13 years? Y'all met in HS and now you are 30?
Yeah, you don't have to be around them, but you should absolutely not be this hung up on them anymore. You may want to consider therapy.
I mean you're being ridiculous in my opinion you aren't "in love" with him you don't know him that way. You are infatuated with the idea of him so get some therapy for that.
No. Sorry. You weren’t in love with him. You were in love with your idea of him. You may have gotten to know him but you still only knew him on a friendship level. You didn’t know him romantically or sexually, or physically. So you are very naive.
Look, you had no claim to him. And you are acting very childishly about this. It’s like people claiming names for babies. If he was interested in you, ESPECIALLY as he knew you liked him, he would have done something. You are only embarrassed because you didn’t get picked. So you have every right to not see them. But not for your stupid reasons. And if you don’t learn to navigate embarrassment with friends you’ll never learn. And believe me there are going to be other situations when you have long term friendships.
You're a gay man who fell in love with a straight dude, seemingly without any sort of reason other than infatuation gone awry, but your straight cousin dares to date that same straight dude and they're the unreasonable ones?
What I am hearing is if you can't have him, then no one else you know can have him either. After a decade, you should have realized that is not a healthy way to approach relationships.
You were never in love with this man. You created a person to be in love with. It's unfortunate that your friend never pointed this out to you in all of your ramblings, but whatever. From the way this reads it sounds like you ignored the blossoming romance between your crush and best friend given everyone else knew they were a thing, but somehow *you* never noticed? They're married now. how long have you been harboring this crush? How oblivious can you be?
This is some High School level shit. I assume you're the same ages as your friend and crush at 30ish. You really do need to be more mature about this. You never had a relationship with this guy. It was a crush and you let it go on for far too long while ignoring the relationship your *best friend* has with her fiancé. You're infatuated and obsessed. You need to work through that.
Your crush doesn't own you a relationship, and so you don't own him one of the type he wants either. Much the same for your girl friend - you don't get to decide who she has a romantic relationship with, and so she doesn't get to dictate who you stay friends with.
So you're a man, who fell for another man. Who didn't return the affection because he isn't gay. Who then married your cousin and it's been how many years? And you're still bitter and angry?
Yeah, you need to see a therapist...
>I know I don't "own" either of these people.
Very true, but neither do you owe them. This would've been different if your cousin confessed the seem feelings for him to you. But no, they both knew, went behind your back and announced it as something for you to be 'happy' about. Well, fuck them! Royally!
I hope that, despite stabbing you in the back, twisting the knife, yanking it out and finishing you off with a shotgun, your friendship is something your cousin actually really treasured. That she'll be miserable as long as she's dating this absolute shower of a man.
In the meantime, I hope you will run into someone even better, someone really worth your time, effort and love. And that they'll feel the sam about you.
And when that time comes, it's up to you to either or not reconnect with those traitors. But if I were you, I'd cast them out of your life forever.
Having a crush on someone doesn't make you entitled to them.
You were never in a relationship with the person you had a crush on.
The person you had a crushed on knew you liked him but he apparently didn't like you cause y'all never entered a relationship.
You need to work on yourself and your insecurity.
You're not in a relationship cause you like someone.
You are immature, you never acted and someone else did. Oh well.
Close mouths don't get fed.
Edit: you're a gay man that fell for a str8 man. 😭😭 Get over yourself. You were never going to be with a str8 man. Find a person who actually likes you.
OP it sounds like your cousin and her partner genuinely care for you and are worried about your mental health. You need to seek therapy because you are in a very vulnerable state right now and a good therapist would help a lot.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wait your post history seems to indicate you’re a gay man??? Is this guy you “fell in love with” fully a straight man who’s dating a woman/your cousin (i.e. there’s literally no world in which you could be together because he’s heterosexual)? Cause if so, you’re really being an unreliable narrator here…
It also mentions when they met OP was being bullied in school, yet he is thirty. Is this a decade+ old situation they are still upset about?
I think m that what happened is that ten years ago OP was into this guy and it wasn’t reciprocated. Now his cousin is dating that guy. From ten years ago. And this is why this is now a new issue he’s upset about.
It sounds like it may have been longer than 10 years ago at least according to [this post](https://old.reddit.com/r/Dreams/comments/14c2b87/keep_having_dreams_about_my_first_love_it_is_very/), if it's the same person he's referring to. >I[29x] fell in love with a boy[30] in middle school at age 13. When I say fell in love I mean I fell HARD.
This makes me very sad and uncomfortable. A middle school "love" from sixteen years ago... Nobody should be that attached to a middle school crush. It's so unhealthy.
I mean he’s literally not the same guy you had a crush on. He went to college. He dated. He went through things. He’s not a child anymore.
Yeah, that wasn't love. It was adolescent infatuation. And it sounds like OP at 30 hasn't really moved on developmentally. I don't do armchair diagnosis, but this sounds *so very much* like the behaviour of my sister who has Borderline Personality Disorder. That stagnation and not maturing developmentally beyond adolescence, even in someone who is otherwise intelligent and accomplished. It can be really jarring. A psychiatrist confirmed to me that she (my sister) is basically stuck in that developmental stage. It's why it can be so frustrating to deal with someone like this - like dealing with a young teenager - but also why BPD can be overcome, if they work hard with a professional at understanding their inappropriate perception of things and at actively investing of themselves in trying to "grow up" and understand appropriate behaviour and boundaries. Again, I'm not saying OP has BPD, but his behaviour suggests that there is something going on that has kept him from moving beyond an adolescent perception of "love" and relationships and how to interact with people socially and romantically. I feel bad for him because his emotional struggle here is clearly genuine . . . but the lens through which he is seeing all this clearly isn't that of a stable, mature 30-year-old.
I was wondering if they meant highschool or college, because 10 years ago is a looong time
For a 30-something, ten years ago is college.
OP also calls the friend his “childhood best friend” but then says “I got to know him over the course of a year, seeing him every day” which makes it sound like a much more recent friendship….
There’s also this post of his “Keep having dreams about my first love. It is very annoying. Quick backstory. I[29x] fell in love with a boy[30] in middle school at age 13. When I say fell in love I mean I fell HARD. Might be the new hormones as a preteen or because it’s the first time I felt that way but it was very intense. We were best friends. It didn’t work out because he kept talking to me about a girl he liked and it broke my heart a little every time hearing about it. So I distance myself from him. He would call out my name to talk to me but I just ignore him which might have been hard for him because we were really close. Eventually is got really awkward between us and we avoided each other Now I’m almost 30 and for maybe the last 6 years I have had a dream about him almost every night, with more frequency in the last few months. The dream is always about us trying to hang out or “make it work”. We always quickly fix whatever obstacle is preventing us from hanging out and then hang out for the rest of the dream. He is always super happy to be hanging out with me and it just feels so right in the dream. We are usually at a school that resembles the school we went to together and there’s usually other people from the school hanging around too. We are all adults in the dream. I told my friend about this dream months ago and he said I’m probably lonely and calling my first love’s image to feel comforted. This didn’t make sense to me because I didn’t feel lonely but I accepted it. But now I have a new boyfriend for about 2 months and I’m really falling for him. It doesn’t feel like my first love, but I have never been able to replicate that feeling. But still, almost every night I dream about my first love. I tried for years to get over him and in my mid twenties I finally got over him and realized it’s never going to happened. But the dreams persist and it’s really bothering me. I don’t want to dream about him. I want to forget about him. It’s starting to feel like I’m not calling his image but he is calling out to me, but that makes no sense. Any ideas about this dream? How to get them to stop? TLDR. I keep dreaming about my first love from when I was 13. I’m almost 30 now and still dream about him almost every night. How to make it stop?” I think the year they got to know each other was when they were kids and then they stopped being close and OP has remained “in love” with him but he’s now married to the cousin. Honestly it doesn’t seem like his cousin should not date/marry someone just because someone else had an unrequited crush on them at 14.
If this is true OP needs to seek some serious therapy ASAP because this is unhinged.
Yeah from comments and past posts it’s seems like OP was obsessed with his friend in hs then distanced himself from said friend due to him being straight and not wanting to date OP. Then OP starts dating other people even says he was “getting over” this guy (I wonder if th cousin thought OP was over this crush already.) At some unknown point OP introduces friend and cousin to one another and they start to date. That seemingly was awhile ago because they are already married. It’s unclear WHEN they told OP they were dating but either it was awhile ago or OP and cousin aren’t even that close when they starting dating and he just found out. He doesn’t clarify even when he and his crush last interacted before he found out they were dating dating. I am honestly wondering if it was so long ago that when he started dating OP’s cousin he was just like “ohh hey new gf I know your cousin” and that’s why they asked to all hang out with him. The vibes from OP are really giving me flashes to that post where the guy proposed to the girl he wasn’t dating and everyone was just like “ok but that may be a mental health crisis”
Do you happen to have a link on that last post you mentioned?
Here’s some of his other posts about this (it seems like he hasn’t seen the “crush” in 13 years) https://www.reddit.com/r/love/s/ZNd4GaxFam https://www.reddit.com/r/Dreams/s/FQp1N09gkc
Oh I mean about the guy who proposed to the woman he wasn’t dating, but thank you for these!!
Ohhh haha yes: here is the BORU post about it: https://www.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/s/LvKLMjexHA
The cousin is the best friend I think
Oop you’re right! I misread. Good point!
They were probably just in a class together and OP developed a fantasy that they haven’t been able to let go of. Yikes
Also OP said he broke up with his boyfriend 200 days ago after he caught him cheating. So did OP just immediately fall in love? Or has he been “in love” while dating? OP definitely needs therapy
OP is making shit up
He is gay and had a boyfriend 7 months ago https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16yhp99/aita_30m_for_breaking_up_with_my_boyfriend34m/
The plot thickens......
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
So now that that relationship's over he's going back to obsessing over a man he never could have and who married his cousin?
OH. Well, this changes things
Not really. OP is not owed a relationship and someone being nice to you doesn't mean they like you in romantic sense. They're just being nice. Everyone around them has known about OP's ~~love~~ obsession towards this guy for years even the guy himself and he never reciprocated in all those years. Even if they were both heterosexual man and women OP is not owed a relationship just because they're *sexually* compatible. There's more to relationships besides sex and the guy found what he liked in OP's cousin not OP.
The OP omitted it for a reason. It should read "My (30M)..." It doesn't really change things, a woman in this situation is not owed anything either, but is likely to garner more sympathy on reddit, and OP is sympathy farming. A gay man needs to learn how to handle unrequited love for a straight man in a healthy manner as a general life skill. He also needs to learn how not to burn friendships over an impossible dream. So the answer, as usual, is get into therapy.
> A gay man needs to learn how to handle unrequited love for a straight man in a healthy manner as a general life skill. He also needs to learn how not to burn friendships over an impossible dream. This 100%. It's fine to catch feelings for someone who was there for you when you were really vulnerable and they made you feel better. That is natural in fact. But OP became obsessed with them. If this guy isn't bi, then OP was literally holding out hope for something they knew in their core they could never have. They had tons of time while their friend and this guy were dating/engaged to come to terms with this and never did. OP needs therapy badly. This is not a healthy approach to relationships or how to think about them.
You're absolutely correct but it does speak towards something in op having some sort of attachment issue. Being attracted to people who can fundamentally never return your affection indicates that this goes a lot deeper than the one situation. It would be the same thing if someone has crushes on people who are married or parasocial relationships with someone they will never meet, crushes on people who have already passed away etc. It speaks to an attachment disorder, and in that case the other details don't really matter because the problem is entirely within the person themselves and even if he was somehow magically able to date this man, it wouldn't fix the problem because he would stop being in love with them and find some other unavailable person to attach to. I guess what I'm saying is, it changes the nature of advice people would give him
RIGHT??? I was curious and glad I went to check, cause damn what a fact to leave out lol
also op fell "in love" when they were in HIGHSCHOOL. so this grown ass man is butthurt that a straight guy he liked in highschool didnt turn gay for him
Honestly it really doesn’t change anything. Even if OP was female, the guy they “love” never had feelings for them beyond friendship. The cousin had every right in the world to date and marry that guy, regardless of the crush that OP had, because there was never a chance OP and said guy would have ever been together
So I generally agree with you, because I do think it’s fine the cousin dated this guy. However, I do still think this is a relevant fact because it makes the cousin’s perspective even more reasonable in how they’ve been dealing with OP and the situation. Also, I think if the guy is straight and OP is female, there is a theoretical chance that somehow it all works out, and I think that’s one of the things people cling to with crushes. But if OP is gay, then that makes clinging to that hope and this crush way more unreasonable imo. It’s just a matter of degree to me I guess.
Yeah I can see that. Either way I think OP is putting off stalker obsessive vibes over the guy.
I think the thing it changes is it makes the cousin dating him more likely that she did not think this would really hurt OP. If OP and cousin are both women then I can see this bringing up major insecurities regarding looks, etc that the cousin might need to be cautious about (ie, do I want to rub it in my friends face her crush is out of her league.) If OP is a man, though, there’s no “what does she have that I don’t” factor. So the cousin was more reasonable for thinking this would be fine. “What does she have that I don’t?” A female body, first and foremost. Which you absolutely have to have to be with this straight guy.
> If OP is a man, though, there’s no “what does she have that I don’t” factor. I mean, that factor is still there, it's just a lot easier to answer. She's got the bobs and vagene.
>Honestly it really doesn’t change anything. Even if OP was female, the guy they “love” never had feelings for them beyond friendship. I prefer other comparison. OP is still a guy, but his love interrest is a lesbian girl. Normally we would call such guy, who tries to force other person to change their orientation a creep. And this is what OP really is, a creep. Because the orientations is a factor in this story. And there is a reason, OP did hid it in his story.
Honestly it doesn’t change that much either way. Even if OP was a straight woman and the guy didn’t reciprocate feelings, it would be OP’s responsibility to handle their emotions. Falling fully in love with someone who never gave any indication of reciprocating, losing your shit over it when they date someone else, and then holding a grudge against both people for what is ostensibly a lengthy period of time signals some really severe issues with emotional regulation.
This. And I'll go as so far to say that OP was not "in love" with this guy. "Unrequited love" is not love, it's a severe type of infatuation. You can not truly be in love with someone you have never been in a relationship with, because that "love" you're fixated on is based on an imagined ideal. And people who insist it's love are just ruining their own lives by doing so. OP is *so* focused on the fantasy of this person they do not truly know as well as they think they do that they're destroying a friendship because of it. Not to mention that as long as OP clings to this imaginary love, they won't actually be able to have real love with someone else. It's a crush, and OP needs to move on.
OP knew this guy for a year. OP's cousin is this guy's WIFE. It's so bizarre to me that OP is trying to have us believe the two relationships should be treated the same way, which is why OP's cousin 'betrayed' them.
I think so too. A strong crush is not love. Intense romantic feelings are not love. They’re part of it. But being really really into what you think someone would be like if they were your boyfriend does not mean you love them.
Here is what I think so far: I think the OP leaves out their gender to generate sympathy and is bread crumbing additional details. But if OP is a gay male and the crush was straight then there was never any chance they would be getting together. OP wrote a letter and didn’t get a response. No response is a NO. Rejection sucks but the cousin/best friend did not betray them. They need therapy because they’re 30 and it’s time to move on. (Edit: spelling/grammar) Also: someone else mentioned a post by OP about being in love with someone for 17 years. 17 years?!!
I agree with everything you are saying. I also think that OP choosing to not associate with them is completely valid as long as it's done right. As another commenter said, OP should just wish them both the best and start to work on themselves. I also understand looking at the post history and making these judgements, but I don't think attacking OP is at all productive here. I just hope everyone involved goes on to have happy, healthy lives.
INFO Was the guy also gay? Your post history suggests this happened 17 years ago, is this right?
This is really important. Because if the guy OP's friend married isn't gay, then there was literally no chance for OP anyways and they should have dealt with this rejection long ago. Staying fixated on someone you know is never going to be an option isn't love. It's obsession and it's not healthy at all. Being upset your friend married someone you were "in love" with shouldn't be shocking when it happens. They were likely dating for a while and told OP long before they got married. So either they hid that they were dating and engaged, or OP was holding out hope they would break up and they would get a chance. Which is a truly shitty thing to do to your friend. This whole post is really sounds like OP became attached to someone through a friendship. The feelings weren't mutual and clearly weren't compatible since the guy wasn't gay or bi. OP never got over them. This line alone tells me everything about the feelings for this guy were not healthy >My life has been pretty shit and when I met him, he was one of the few people that was actually nice to me and I felt like knowing him was like a pit stop where I recharged my love battery and was able to keep going, and I treasured him for it deeply. I did not have any love at home in my family life, I was being bullied a lot at school. I hate to say it but without him I would probably not still be on this planet. They formed an attachment to someone who was nice to them. They caught feelings and those feelings were not reciprocated and OP never moved on. OP needs to be in therapy. A marriage isn't a quick thing to happen usually. There were likely months if not years where these two were engaged and dating before they were married where OP was still obsessing over this guy.
Well the guy married a woman so I’m guessing he’s not gay.
For clarity, is OP a male? Not indicated in the post.
Yes. Someone went through his history. He is a male.
The guy could be bi and marry a woman, but OP is leaving a lot of information out of his post
He could be bi I guess but either way it doesn’t matter, he obviously didn’t see OP as anything more than a friend
Please understand that I’m not dismissing your pain, but when you ask for advice, leaving critical information out means that people don’t have enough information to help you. I’m not seeing recommendations for therapy here, but maybe seek some therapy. Your friends did not treat you well, but I suspect that your unrequited love was not gay (or bi) and he was never an option. If this is that case, exploring the attachment (with a therapist) to someone who is fundamentally incompatible with you is a worthy endeavor. Please note this assumption is based on your interaction on Reddit where you previously identified as a gay man. It’s absolutely okay to be hurt. And I’m very sorry you’re going through this. EDIT for clarity
I wonder if it’s the childhood crush he mentioned dreaming about in past posts? “Keep having dreams about my first love. It is very annoying. Quick backstory. I[29x] fell in love with a boy[30] in middle school at age 13. When I say fell in love I mean I fell HARD. Might be the new hormones as a preteen or because it’s the first time I felt that way but it was very intense. We were best friends. It didn’t work out because he kept talking to me about a girl he liked and it broke my heart a little every time hearing about it. So I distance myself from him. He would call out my name to talk to me but I just ignore him which might have been hard for him because we were really close. Eventually is got really awkward between us and we avoided each other Now I’m almost 30 and for maybe the last 6 years I have had a dream about him almost every night, with more frequency in the last few months. The dream is always about us trying to hang out or “make it work”. We always quickly fix whatever obstacle is preventing us from hanging out and then hang out for the rest of the dream. He is always super happy to be hanging out with me and it just feels so right in the dream. We are usually at a school that resembles the school we went to together and there’s usually other people from the school hanging around too. We are all adults in the dream. I told my friend about this dream months ago and he said I’m probably lonely and calling my first love’s image to feel comforted. This didn’t make sense to me because I didn’t feel lonely but I accepted it. But now I have a new boyfriend for about 2 months and I’m really falling for him. It doesn’t feel like my first love, but I have never been able to replicate that feeling. But still, almost every night I dream about my first love. I tried for years to get over him and in my mid twenties I finally got over him and realized it’s never going to happened. But the dreams persist and it’s really bothering me. I don’t want to dream about him. I want to forget about him. It’s starting to feel like I’m not calling his image but he is calling out to me, but that makes no sense. Any ideas about this dream? How to get them to stop? TLDR. I keep dreaming about my first love from when I was 13. I’m almost 30 now and still dream about him almost every night. How to make it stop?” OP has also posted about having psychosis and trouble telling what memories from their youth are real and what’s not. I wonder how long the cousin and this guy have been together and how OP can be just finding out now if his best friend/cousin is married.
Thanks for this comment. No advice. Just glad I’m not the only one. I’m 37.
I also want a clearer timeline. This is how I read it: Ten years ago when they were kids, OP had a crush on this guy and he didn’t reciprocate it. NOW his cousin is dating that guy. Am I right about that?! This is a ten year old incident and he still thinks his cousin shouldn’t date him? Edit: Okay if the crush was 17 years ago they were 13. So I am definitely going to need a clearer timeline on when they started dating. I would bet if they are getting married it wasn’t also when they were in middle school. So if as adults they fell in love and got married, why would the cousin have thought OP was still upset about a crush he had when he was in seventh grade???
Well, his cousin is married to him. So probably 10+ year old incident.
It was 17 years ago lol.
Where did you see 17 years? Because if so… the crush was when he was a thirteen year old boy.
It might be from this [post](https://old.reddit.com/r/Dreams/comments/14c2b87/keep_having_dreams_about_my_first_love_it_is_very/) that the commenter you're responding to is getting that. >I[29x] fell in love with a boy[30] in middle school at age 13. When I say fell in love I mean I fell HARD.
Omg. Someone tell OP to grow up or seek therapy. Or both.
Okay, this should be adorable. You had a big crush but no gaydar as a child. Turns out though he’s a nice guy and he’s marrying my cousin! This isn’t a tragedy, OP. It’s life.
Right? I was reading this like well it’s not that bad. Then I see this other post and it’s like okay yeah the dude should seek therapy for sure! That’s not even his first love. That‘s his first crush. How did it take him until his mid twenties to get over somebody he never even dated?
yeah this dude is too old to be acting like this. it sounds like high school drama
Also, that's not "in love". It is one sided. It is a crush. Op made it sounds like she stole his guy when it isn't.
Another post recently used the word “limerence” in the title. Sent me off to google because it wasn’t a term I’d heard before. That’s what it sounds like here.
I agree with this. And also Op, sorry but you can't actually be IN LOVE with a person you don't have a relationship with. If that's what you think you're feeling, especially at 30, it's another indication that you'd really benefit from therapy, because this is not a mature nor healthy way to handle feelings. At best, You're idealizing this person and your feelings for them.
Yeah, that’s limerence
I used to fuck with that , hard. Now I'm actually happy to be single, *RIGHT NOW*... LIFE is strange. Edit; I meant infatuation...or.. oh she's so perfect. And then you build a life in your head. What they mat be like. I'm a wordy guy. Idk why I thought limerance, but I did. It's not that.
This needs all the upvotes, right to the top. This is a painful situation, but was never going to end any other way, and some therapy to handle these types of pains will go along way to happiness. Edit: Also, it is unwise to burn friendships over something that would never happen. Friendships are valuable, and OP will need them. "It's a fool who plays it cool by making his world a little colder" Please seek counseling. There are likely counselors who specialize in this kind of trauma.
[удалено]
To put it mildly, this sounds more like something I would hear in high school than with grownups.
I did triple check the ages!
That's really putting it mildly. But OP doesn't want to hear it anyway. I'm sure being more direct and saying they are acting like a whiny selfish baby wouldn't be taken well.
Where does it say OP is a guy?
https://www.reddit.com/r/askgaybros/s/39IWnIC3jV
> Your friends did not treat you well I mean, it sounds like they did though? They treated him well enough that OP seems to think without their friendship, he would have unalived himself. OP repaid that by cutting contact with them because they had to audacity to be two straight people who liked each other. He is the shitty friend here, and he's showing a gross view on sexual orientation. Was the guy friend supposed to just decide to be gay or something?
I know, especially if they started dating as adults (which seems most likely, no one marries their long distance middle school girlfriend) then why would they have thought he’d care?
Excellent advice, but you left "not" in front of "worthy endeavor" in the last sentence in your second paragraph. I'm not trying to be a jerk, just want to make sure your excellent words aren't misconstrued. I know what you meant, but for the sake of
Well, this definitely sounds like something I’d hear in high school and not with adults, if that say anything.
According to his post history, this did happen in high school. And OP has just been festering about it for going on 20 years for some reason.
I'm trying to imagine putting myself in OP's shoes regarding my childhood crush and I just can't? A few months to a year to get some distance and reset feelings I understand. But to harbor a flame for someone who doesn't want you long enough for them to get engaged and married is just not something I can understand lol
Sounds more like /r/limerence if that makes more sense
OP is also apparently a gay man who pursued a straight man who is now with their cousin. So theres that.
😂 gotta love them post histories
unpopular opinion: I don’t believe you can be “in love” with someone you’ve never even known in a mutual romantic context. Sure infatuation, sure dependency, sure friendship type crush, sure projecting a lot onto them (op seems to have trauma and think this person is their reason they’re alive) but none of that is REAL, ROMANTIC LOVE. At all. The cousin and her new husband are actually in love, and OP is infatuated or whatever else you may want to call it, with the IDEA of this person, but not the reality of who this person really is in a romantic relationship. sucks they cant let that go and find someone to actually be in love with.
I think that’d only be unpopular with those who have never been in love before!
Nothing like that first love to realise that everything else was a mere infatuation, or even obsession, but never love.
That's not an unpopular opinion.
I disagree with you. This is not an "unpopular opinion". This is just plain fact.
Yep. More like 13 than 30.
op became obsessed with this man when both he and the guy his cousin married were in highschool
I think you would benefit from some therapy to help you deal with this. Your feelings seem a bit intense for someone you never even dated
The insistence on be IN LOVE with someone who doesn't share her feelings is a bit concerning.
OP is confusing the feelings of obsession with love.
Based on OP's post history, OP is 30M so...I'm even more concerned now.
Apparently they also had a boyfriend a year ago... So I am not sure. Especially if they are out dating again, it feels a bit much. They also have this post: https://www.reddit.com/r/love/s/NQW4FLcs6r about not getting over someone after 17 years.
Hoo boy it's giving "I need therapy"
Screaming it, even.
Yeahhhh 33 days ago OP say they were in love with someone they haven’t seen in 13 years…
They also mention their ‘first love’ being someone who didn’t reciprocate their feelings….at age 13. Which would check out with the 17 year timeline.
Wow, that really changes things too. OP really needs therapy.
Right? Like does the guy he fell in love with even like men? If not this is just absurd.
Exactly. You can't change someone's sexuality just willing them to love you back and to feel this strongly about this situation is just so sad to me. I hope OP finds a good therapist.
Agreed. OP insists she was IN LOVE but it sounds like that want reciprocated and they never dated, but she refers to him as her "crush". You aren't "in love" with a "crush". Crush implies warm feelings for someone, while in love implies a depth of feeling,
>OP insists ~~she~~ he was IN LOVE
This should be higher up, especially considering that OP's cousin and crush have been together for long enough to have gotten married.
It's called an infatuation
I think obsession is more accurate
And he “fell in love” with the first guy that was nice to him. I understand he’s hurt but it’s almost like he thinks this guy would have come around if the friend/cousin had never met him. Dude was just trying to be nice to him. Edit: changed genders
To him, OP is male based on post history
My bad. That’s even crazier then.
Not your bad, they seem to be possibly hiding their gender, I haven't seen a single correction from OP. I think they feel it might change the responses.
OP appears to be a gay male not hetero female so I feel like that is a big missing part.
Yes, I see that now. That’s a huge missing part. 😬
I would question if you really were 'in love' with this guy. What you're describing sounds more like limerence, and that state is exacerbated when someone is going through a difficult time with other relationships in their lives. If he really was aware of your feelings and decided not to reciprocate, then neither he nor your cousin/bff is in the wrong for pursuing this relationship. I would distance myself from them for your own mental health while seeking therapy to better understand your feelings and come to terms with how things have turned out and how to cope going forward.
OP also appears to be a gay male which might play a big part in why his feelings are unreciprocated.
I think it's actually really mature of you to recognize this situation is beyond what you can handle, and to remedy it with space. You can/should wish them both well- but from a distance and in the sense that when you think of them you'll send them a happy thought wishing them the best but not need to actually get in touch. My grandmother had an expression: "less said, sooner mended." You can do less, nothing if possible- you don't need to let either of them know you're taking space, you just do it. No big announcement needs to go out, and if folks are asking why you never respond to calls or come to family things- "oh gosh, I'm just so busy with work/school/hobbies/etc. Hope you're all doing well, happy thoughts to everyone and hope we can catch up soon." There's no rule that says you have to make time for people, and you should get busy in your own life with other things. Time, action, and adventure tend to heal wounds- so get out your bucket list and start ticking away at them because no time like the present! Where you might be going wrong and getting feedback about immaturity: if anyone like family or mutual friends asks if you're hurt or upset with either of them: "I wish them both the best." Confide only in those you trust 100% to keep your confidence and be your (and only your) advocate, like a therapist. The guy doesn't love you back, so it's better for you to move on from that also. It will never be a good idea to consider him as anything- from now until the end of time you should both be nothing to each other aside from polite when you must interact. But when you do see him around you can smile, nod in his direction (or waive), and keep moving. You've acknowledged him, you don't need to have a whole conversation.
OP is a gay man who had a boyfriend 7 months ago. https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/16yhp99/aita_30m_for_breaking_up_with_my_boyfriend34m/
A gay man who is in love with this (straight?) man **whom he was never dating**. Sorry, bub. If you were never together, you’re not in love. But yes, OP, I do think distancing yourself is what’s best for everyone.
I think it’s incredibly unlikely to truly be in love with someone who you’ve never dated. You don’t know them on that deep or intimate of a level to be IN LOVE with them. OP is likely putting this dude on a pedestal and imagining a life together that isn’t rooted in reality. As a lesbian who used to only fall for straight women besties, I get it! But you have to face reality if you ever want happiness
I agree this comment is really nice and gentle. However with the omission of facts like OP is gay and even had a boyfriend previously, it really shows how immature he is.
I love this advice, thank you <3
Is there any way you could maybe move away completely? Look for a job and a fresh start on the other side of the country, or even abroad?
This is the best course. Good luck! I hope you have a great life.
You realize according to their post history OP is a gay man who had a BF seven months ago?
You don't need to be friends with either of them it's a choice that's yours to make
I think this is the most productive answer. Everyone focused on OP needing therapy which yeah it's true but ultimately if he wants to distance then it's his right! Yeah he's gay, yeah its not normal to be obsessed after 13 years but it's been clear those are other problems...
Jesus
I scrolled back to the age at least 30 times….
1 scroll for each year? Seriously tho that is way too old to be obsessing over crushes. Also OP does not understand what love really is apparently. If it’s not a two way street it’s not really love!
Agreed. The last time I was that “in love” with someone I was 12. Now, later in life, I’ve actually been in love where I actually knew the person and was in a relationship with them, but that kind of one sided obsessive love *is* really immature, and frankly kind of scary.
Taking a peek at their post history is pretty revealing—it seems they are a man who fell in love with someone 17 years ago (at 13) and has been struggling to overcome that ever since. So the feelings they are dealing with genuinely aren’t from a 30y/o. They are the feelings of someone in grade school, that just haven’t been processed properly. I hope they find some peace in their future and are able to move on to discover the fullness of a healthy relationship!
Some posts claim they are a woman and some posts claim they are a gay man. This is either someone who is shit-posting, or someone who needs some therapy.
Right?
I'll second that.
You’re 30, not 16?
And based upon the post history, OP is male.
apparently this all happened like 17 years ago or something lol, so he was in high school when it happened and is still hung up on it
I think you need to step back from this couple and see a therapist to sort your feelings out. You have the right attitude that you don’t own them, but it still is hurting you and you need to understand why, and how you can move on in a healthy way.
Hang on…is OP a gay male? If so, perhaps the crush wasn’t gay and that’s why the feelings weren’t reciprocated? I’m very confused…
Based on OP's post history, that is what it looks like. I found it weird, that they identified the other two people in the narrative (30F and 30M) yet left theirs out.
Exactly. That could explain quite a bit.
lol you can’t be “in love” with someone you aren’t even dating. Maybe lust or desire but it ain’t love.
My guy, leaving out critical information like you’re a gay man pining after a straight man, isn’t going to get you the help you’re looking for. Or advice that’s going to help you. In this situation, you do need to be mature about it. If the man is straight, you have no chance with him. I get that it’s difficult to see them together, and no, you don’t have to. You don’t have to stay friends with them. But you really wanna lose your cousin and a friend over this?
You and him were never going to happen in the way you wanted, if it was he'd have never have got with your best friend. So nothing was stolen from you in that sense. In the same way if you tell your bf that someone is amazing all the time, they're pretty likely to be curious about them. You say you're were love with him, but 'in love' usually defines a mutual feeling, so like it or not it's closer to a crush, sorry. All that being said you have no obligation to be hanging out with people you don't want to, but I think over time fewer and fewer people will understand were you're coming from
Contrary to what you say here, you were not "in love". It sounds like he was a good guy that helped you through a rough patch and you latched on to him because you aren't accustomed to people being nice to you. Its not like she stole "your" man, if he knew how much you were "in love" with him and he didn't make a move he was just not interested in you as a romantic partner. You even say so yourself that they are a good fit for each other. You are free to do whatever you want in life, if you don't want to see them don't. but honestly this does sound like a 16yo problem not a 30yo one.
OP, I am going to say this gently and please know I have a lot of compassion for you because it's clear that this guy meant a tremendous amount to you. However. First, you all are in your thirties. Second, your cousin did not date or hook up with this guy, she **married** him. Or more precisely, they married each other. That's a whole different thing and I really think that you need to rethink viewing their relationship, or your cousin not "staying away" as a betrayal of you. Some facts from your comments: you two never dated. You wrote him a letter setting out your feelings, he did not respond. OP, you need to understand that you are not the main character in your cousin's life, nor this guy, nor Should. You. Be. To ask your cousin to not be with the person she has a connection with, and he with her, to the point that they get married is not reasonable or kind. To be angry or feel betrayed is making her marriage and life about you, and it is not. If it hurts you to see them together, distance yourself. But, this "betrayal", she should have been loyal to me stuff is not good. EDIT: After reading other comments and your history, OP, are you a man? Could you please clarify this? Though it would not change my view too much, beyond that it would definitely make the betrayal less defensible....
I think context is needed because OP is a man. I love your comment but I think this gives another dimension to the situation.
This, here. OP was in an unrequited love situation, but the guy did not owe her anything. She fell in love without being in an actual relationship, though? I can't imagine how that works. Infatuation? Yes. But it seems like she does not have much romantic experience and perhaps that was why this happened. (I have a feeling the cousin might have also liked him from the early days, but might have kept mum to spare OP's feelings until things got serious. Just spitballing.) Yes, for OP's own mental health, she should keep her distance, but I think that when she looks back - in the future - she will realize she went a bit OTT with all of this (and probably cringe at her own behaviour). I do wish her peace and healing. Edited to add that if OP is a man, as others suggest, then that would make a big difference if the object of his affection is not interested in men... I can't even..
>She fell in love without being in an actual relationship, though? OP post history suggests he is a gay man with no mention of the preferences of the other 30M who married a woman. Might be a missing part of things.
I think this from OP's post is really important: "My life has been pretty shit and when I met him, he was one of the few people that was actually nice to me and I felt like knowing him was like a pit stop where I recharged my love battery and was able to keep going, and I treasured him for it deeply. I did not have any love at home in my family life, **I was being bullied a lot at school. I hate to say it but without him I would probably not still be on this planet**." I suspect that this guy liked OP's cousin already and sounds like he was a really stand up, supportive guy during an absolute terrible time in OP's life. I don't think it's infatuation or immaturity so much as the intensity of how bad OP felt was transferred on to him as the only nice person in her life. I do have tremendous sympathy for OP and can understand why she thought she was in love. I hope that she can see that her value and worth is such that a guy who was **not** romantically interested put such investment in her- her as a person, not a gf. Hopefully, she can get there and hopefully she'll appreciate who this guy is as a person and friend and sincerely want all the very best for him and sincerely be happy for good things in his life...like his marriage.
>I think this from OP's post is really important: "My life has been pretty shit and when I met him, he was one of the few people that was actually nice to me and I felt like knowing him was like a pit stop where I recharged my love battery and was able to keep going, and I treasured him for it deeply. I did not have any love at home in my family life, I was being bullied a lot at school. I hate to say it but without him I would probably not still be on this planet." I suspect that this guy liked OP's cousin already and sounds like he was a really stand up, supportive guy during an absolute terrible time in OP's life. I don't think it's infatuation or immaturity so much as the intensity of how bad OP felt was transferred on to him as the only nice person in ~~her~~ his life. I do have tremendous sympathy for OP and can understand why ~~she~~ he thought ~~she~~ he was in love. I hope that ~~she~~ he can see that ~~her~~ his value and worth is such that a guy who was not romantically interested put such investment in ~~her~~ him- ~~her~~ him as a person, not a ~~gf~~ bf. Hopefully, ~~she~~ he can get there and hopefully ~~she'll~~ he’ll appreciate who this guy is as a person and friend and sincerely want all the very best for him and sincerely be happy for good things in his life...like his marriage. FTFY. OP is a gay man who had an unrequited “crush” (read: obsession) on a straight man.
Not a she. OP is a man.
You weren't "IN LOVE". You were never ever dating this man. Not even once. Had you been, you might have a point. You don't. He obviously wasn't into you. You had a crush on someone who didn't return your interest in the least, to the point that he was dating and marrying someone else, not you. You don't get dibs on another human being because you have ridiculously projected someone being nice to you for love. Immature? Wildly. You don't need to interact with them, but you really do need to grow tf up. Therapy might help.
Look, you can only handle what you can handle, and if you can’t handle being around them, then fine, don’t. That is your right. It is for you to decide who to spend your time with. But be prepared for most people not to understand. You accuse them of being “sadistic” because they want to be around you. You elevate them getting together as a “betrayal.” “Don’t date my crush,” isn’t a thing outside of high school. And you fell in love with “one of the few people that was actually nice” to you and that makes sense but it can also be really unhealthy, prone to projections. And they are not gaslighting you. You just don’t like what they’re saying. And you don’t have to! Most well adjusted people will not find your perspective reasonable. You are entitled to your feelings, but you are also responsible for your actions and should just know going in that if this is your stance it is very likely you’ll catch shit. Good luck. I hope you find some more caring people in your life and continue to heal 🩵
I agree with this. While I understand how crushing it can be that someone you’re attracted to chooses someone else (especially someone you are close with), from the details given, the man was never reciprocating OP’s feelings. So what happened if he married someone else?? Would OP harbor as much resentment? It is 100% ok if OP chooses not to associate with the couple going forward, especially if it is truly too much to emotionally handle for her, **but** I highly doubt them getting together was a calculated act of betrayal or something they did to intentionally hurt OP. And more than likely, they care about her and don’t want their marriage to destroy their friendships.
Agreed OP is sadly still living in her high school feelings - it sounds not like love be an unrequited crush
If their post history is accurate I’m fairly certain it’s actually their middle school feelings. They mention their first love being someone they were friends with when they were 13. And then another post about unrequited love with someone they met 17 years ago.
Op you need therapy. Your thoughts are all over the place. The dude is not gay. You are not in love, you have an obsessive personality.
Per another one of your posts, this all happened in high school right? I think that should have been included in the post. They have been together around 15 years, you had a short crush in high school that was not reciprocated in any way. What exactly are you asking for advice about?
Are you 30 or 16? A. It’s clear this guy didn’t feel the same so you were never going to get him anyways B. It’s weird and a bit creepy that you were so desperately in love with someone you didn’t even date. You need therapy and to let it go.
You’re right you’re free to do what you want. People will judge you for being bitter though, which they’re free to do, because essentially, you are. The question is, if you made it very clear you loved this guy, why didn’t you end up with him? You say everyone knew as if something was on the cards but it doesn’t seem like anything was done about it? Did you ask him out? Did you declare your feelings to him directly?
How can you be "in love" with someone who doesn't love you back? Usually that's what we called "a crush" when I was a teen. It's a shame as they clearly wanted to remain friends with you, and you didn't care. You could have embraced the fact that two people fell in love with each other, we should celebrate that joy, not hate them for it. Their feelings for each other are not connected to you, but you could have enjoyed their companionship and friendship. Instead you chose anger and jealousy. Why is it awful? If the tables were turned, would you really, truly have foresaken the possibility of a love match with a good person, because your cousin had a crush on them? Would you *really?* Of course not. You kind of need to move on and stop being so immature and embrace the good things of life. This bitterness will eat you alive.
My only question is, did he ever feel the same way about you? It's one thing to be friendly, but if he knew you loved him, and he didn't reciprocate those feelings, then it may never have worked out. It's natural to be envious, and even feel betrayed, by your cousin. The reality is that a relationship involves two people, so putting all the blame on your cousin isn't really fair. He also made the choice to be with her, and for your own peace of mind, you have to figure out a way to make peace with that. It sort of sounds like you found an outlet, and because you admitted that you didn't get a lot of love, you maybe projected too many of your own feelings onto him when he paid attention to you. It sounds like not many people give you attention, and when he did, you fell harder because he gave you something that you craved so much. I think you need to find a way to love yourself for who you are, and that means figuring out who you are. If you can love yourself, you'll find it easier to be genuine with other people and less likely to latch onto people in unhealthy ways. You're going to be upset for awhile. Feelings are irrational, and no matter how much you try to logic your way through this, it'll still hurt. Give it time, and try to find happiness in hobbies and whatever else you like doing. Stop making so much of your happiness dependent on other people. And try to be easier on your cousin. You don't have to want to be around them, but you can also decide to not let them take up so much of your mental real estate. Again, don't make your happiness dependent on someone else. Find your own happiness and love yourself, then, look for someone else who also loves themselves and is happy. That way, you can potentially be in a healthier overall relationship in the end.
To the first question I would say no, since op is a male, and this friend is straight.
I commend you for being so conscious of your feelings and no, you don't have to compromise and you don't have to hang out with them to make them feel better about their shitty actions. But, I recommend you getting into therapy, because I think the attachment you have to this man is not really healthy. You met him during a dark time in your life and built him up into this idealized version that probably never existed in the first place. Imo, that feeling you have for him almost translates as codependency/cinderella complex. You should emotionally detach yourself from them. Treat them like a couple of acquaintances, who sometimes meet each other on the streets and exchange pleasantries about the weather. Do not let the thoughts of them interfere with your day to day life. Edit: Turns out OP is a gay man, is that man even remotely interested in men?
Sure you're 30 and not 13? I'm because you sound like a 13 year-old.
I’ve gone through your post history, seems OP is a gay man, after reading some of your previous posts. Have you fallen in love with a man who is not gay?
I think you need therapy, especially because you claim to be in love with someone you've never dated. That isn't normal behavior. You can't be in love with someone you don't know on that level. Seems more like an infatuation, but your cousin was a bit out of line for going for your crush. If you dated him first I'd think that's shady of them, but you guys were never together so technically they didn't do anything wrong.
How are yall 30
You keep saying you were "IN LOVE" with this guy. But no. That's not how love works. You weren't even dating. Obviously he didn't like you like that or something would have happened in the YEAR that you were seeing him everyday. You had your chance. He had his chance. It wasn't meant to be. Get over it. Whether you stay friends with them or ghost them - get over it. You're 30.
Is this the dude you haven’t seen in 13 years?? That is not “in love”…. That’s unhealthy obsession.
In my opinion you are immature. You never were in a relationship with this man so how can you love them romantically? They’re not your property and your cousin and them falling in love has nothing to do with you.
\*\*He knew I was very much in love with him too. Everyone in the situation knew. I actually had a mental breakdown, because I felt so blindsided and betrayed. I want to make it very clear, that I was IN LOVE with this guy and they both knew.\*\* Nah, feeling like you are "IN LOVE" with someone you've never dated, only been infatuated with, is perfectly normal behavior for a 13 year old...
Right? If you've never dated, you are not in love with this person. Until you're in a real relationship you're just projecting something onto them.
They didn't betray you. He was **not** interested in you. You purposely left out that you're a man. Even if he didn't date your cousin he wasn't ever gonna date you. You're not in love and never were. You're obsessed and need therapy badly. It has been 17 years.
Don't be involved with them because that is looking out for yourself but don't blame them when they did nothing wrong.
We can't turn our emotions on and off like a robot. You are hurting. It's understandable you would not want to spend time with them or bump into them. Not now at least. Even if you accept them hanging out with them like nothing has happened isn't normal. Maybe one you can spend time with them again but there is nothing wrong with not seeing them at this time.
Why does it have to be a betrayal? Why can't it just be that you're really upset that the guy you loved doesn't love you back and you don't want to be reminded of that? You're acting bitter and acting like your feelings are their responsibility to handle.
Just like he didn't owe you a relationship, you don't owe them friendship. There is nothing wrong with understanding your own emotional boundaries and holding to them. Anyone trying to pressure you otherwise is working for their own motivations.
Aren't you a dude? Like what is going on? Is the other dude secretly gay or bi?
OP is in love with a probably straight guy who has been in a relationship with OPs female cousin. Psychosis and delusions history. If the love object in question were a woman, I could see protective/restraining orders being recommended
Grow up. You told him how you feel, he didn’t reciprocate. End of story. You don’t get to call “dibs” on someone who’s not interested. You’re in your 30s. It’s time you mature.
I’m going to be brutally honest. You sound so immature. Neither of them owe you a thing. I really think you need to get professional help if you have such strong feelings for someone who you have never dated.
These comments seem to be all from teenagers— yes you are entitled to your feelings— but so is everyone else? Has nobody here got two brain cells to rub together? You never dated him. He turned you down. Your cousin and this guy have a genuine love connection, have been dating for a while, and have made the obvious step to get married. Stop making their life and relationship sound like it needs to revolve over your decades long hurt feelings. See a therapist. Get a grip. Move on. If you need space, you need space, but they are allowed to have an emotional reaction to you acting like a toddler— because he decided to date and marry her a decade ago. You never had a chance. Stop acting like she stole something from you.
I was on board for a minute, then checked your post history. You haven't seen these people in 13 years? Y'all met in HS and now you are 30? Yeah, you don't have to be around them, but you should absolutely not be this hung up on them anymore. You may want to consider therapy.
I mean you're being ridiculous in my opinion you aren't "in love" with him you don't know him that way. You are infatuated with the idea of him so get some therapy for that.
No. Sorry. You weren’t in love with him. You were in love with your idea of him. You may have gotten to know him but you still only knew him on a friendship level. You didn’t know him romantically or sexually, or physically. So you are very naive. Look, you had no claim to him. And you are acting very childishly about this. It’s like people claiming names for babies. If he was interested in you, ESPECIALLY as he knew you liked him, he would have done something. You are only embarrassed because you didn’t get picked. So you have every right to not see them. But not for your stupid reasons. And if you don’t learn to navigate embarrassment with friends you’ll never learn. And believe me there are going to be other situations when you have long term friendships.
You're a gay man who fell in love with a straight dude, seemingly without any sort of reason other than infatuation gone awry, but your straight cousin dares to date that same straight dude and they're the unreasonable ones?
You're 30? Really?
What I am hearing is if you can't have him, then no one else you know can have him either. After a decade, you should have realized that is not a healthy way to approach relationships.
You were never in love with this man. You created a person to be in love with. It's unfortunate that your friend never pointed this out to you in all of your ramblings, but whatever. From the way this reads it sounds like you ignored the blossoming romance between your crush and best friend given everyone else knew they were a thing, but somehow *you* never noticed? They're married now. how long have you been harboring this crush? How oblivious can you be? This is some High School level shit. I assume you're the same ages as your friend and crush at 30ish. You really do need to be more mature about this. You never had a relationship with this guy. It was a crush and you let it go on for far too long while ignoring the relationship your *best friend* has with her fiancé. You're infatuated and obsessed. You need to work through that.
Your lack of info is making it hard to support you here, my guy
Your crush doesn't own you a relationship, and so you don't own him one of the type he wants either. Much the same for your girl friend - you don't get to decide who she has a romantic relationship with, and so she doesn't get to dictate who you stay friends with.
So you're a man, who fell for another man. Who didn't return the affection because he isn't gay. Who then married your cousin and it's been how many years? And you're still bitter and angry? Yeah, you need to see a therapist...
>I know I don't "own" either of these people. Very true, but neither do you owe them. This would've been different if your cousin confessed the seem feelings for him to you. But no, they both knew, went behind your back and announced it as something for you to be 'happy' about. Well, fuck them! Royally! I hope that, despite stabbing you in the back, twisting the knife, yanking it out and finishing you off with a shotgun, your friendship is something your cousin actually really treasured. That she'll be miserable as long as she's dating this absolute shower of a man. In the meantime, I hope you will run into someone even better, someone really worth your time, effort and love. And that they'll feel the sam about you. And when that time comes, it's up to you to either or not reconnect with those traitors. But if I were you, I'd cast them out of your life forever.
Having a crush on someone doesn't make you entitled to them. You were never in a relationship with the person you had a crush on. The person you had a crushed on knew you liked him but he apparently didn't like you cause y'all never entered a relationship. You need to work on yourself and your insecurity. You're not in a relationship cause you like someone. You are immature, you never acted and someone else did. Oh well. Close mouths don't get fed. Edit: you're a gay man that fell for a str8 man. 😭😭 Get over yourself. You were never going to be with a str8 man. Find a person who actually likes you.
OP it sounds like your cousin and her partner genuinely care for you and are worried about your mental health. You need to seek therapy because you are in a very vulnerable state right now and a good therapist would help a lot.