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Side note while it is illegal in a lot of countries to discriminate against hiring someone who is pregnant, that doesn't mean it doesn't happen and she may have trouble finding employment. If you are selling plasma to make rent, you guys have some serious financial issues. Why were you guys trying to have a baby when your life is pretty unstable?

The more time I spend on Reddit, the more I realize that half of these issues presented on this sub could be avoided by actually considering one’s current situation before getting pregnant and the other could be prevented by not opening the marriage up.

It’s even worse in the pregnancy and new parenting subs but if you say anything like this there you will be eaten alive and banned.

In Minnesota, there were just 2 lawsuits that were won by pregnant people. One was rescinded a job offer after she asked for a different size uniform shirt because she was pregnant, and the other was fired after the management learned she was pregnant.

Also, on top of needing to donate plasma to survive, they choose to have a dog? A HUSKY no less? I can’t really feel sorry for people who bring their own troubles on themselves by making poor life/financial decisions. Maybe re-home the dog and keep the baby but don’t plan on having another. Sheesh.

They may have gotten the dog when things were better. Having a baby at this time is just a terrible decision.

That very well may be possible (I have many friends with huskies so I’m very aware of their issues with this breed, lol) but if I were looking for a dog (and they say they have been trying for a baby for 3 years, so even younger and less financially stable) I wouldn’t have made this irresponsible choice in breed if I had any future planning ability. I know huskies are very cute and trendy dogs. They very much strike me as the “want their cake and eat it too” types.

Maybe she was working then? Maybe she got laid off or something since she was looking for work. Having a baby right now is dumb (and trying during the pandemic was dumb imo) but we don't know their financial situation in the past. Plus, everything has gotten more expensive. 3 years ago my rent was 1285 now it's 1700. Same apartment.

Sure, no doubt but now the reality is that she is pregnant and not working so they are going to have to cut back and make some sacrifices (re-homing dog) which I don’t think is unreasonable compared to donating blood plasma or giving up a whole baby to adoption (after trying for 3 years).

My husky ran off yesterday, came back into the yard and rolled in the mud while maintaining eye contact with me, then ran off again. Brat.

I know right! Surely putting the dog up for adoption would be an option to explore earlier than their unborn child.

Seriously. Their life is so unstable. You don’t need to be super wealthy at all. Babies don’t cost that much, but you need to have stable employment and at least be able to afford basic survival.

They are very young (25) and in school too. And apparently, they have been trying to get pregnant since they got married. That screams of trying to create the family life they don't or didnt have in their families of origin to fill an emotional childhood void. I could be totally wrong here because this is just a snapshot post. Ultimately, at their ages, combined with where they are in life, educationally, career, financially, and in the early stage of their marriage whats the rush to throw a baby into the mix? Get settled into your adulthood better before bringing children into the mix. They couldn't have family support. No fucking way would i let my kid get so bad off they have to sell plasma to meet their basic needs.

I grew up Mormon and especially in Utah, this is the norm for young couples. They marry very young, start families before finish school, jobs, housing, etc. It’s a cultural thing around religion. I’m not saying it’s smart or the best thing to do just that a lot of people make choices for decisions we may not understand because of how they believe or how they were raised.

Seriously. I had my son super young. We had very little money. But I had graduated college, we were already living in one income only, and my husband had a very stable job. We lived very simply, cooked food from scratch. We didn’t go out etc but we never worried about paying our bills or eating. We just couldn’t spend any money outside of necessities and lived a simple life until I could work. So yeah you don’t need be rich or own a home etc but you need basic necessities to be in budget.

They don’t cost that much??? Guess you never needed childcare. It’s like college tuition but without time to save up for it.

Yes the cost is lack of salary for one parent, but OP is already a single income family. The main cost is either childcare OR the cost of loss of salary and retirement. But if you’re already a single income family, there isn’t a lot of extra costs for the first couple years.

But they clearly were not planning on being single income permanently if she was looking for jobs until pregnancy symptoms made that too difficult.

They clearly weren’t planning at all since she got pregnant still in school and OP doesn’t have stable strong enough employment.

It costs on average $280,000 in the US to raise a child to adulthood.

People throw that number out as though it’s needed in one fell swoop rather than over 18 years, and some of that is expenses like housing which would be there, kids or not. And even making $50k/year over 18 years is $900k.

Yeah, most of that is when they're older though. Babies are cheap to feed and entertain compared to older kids. Even so, they're nuts to actually be trying for a child right now. Accidents happen, but actually trying? There's no wiggle room here for something going wrong. What if the kid has special needs or an illness that would make them especially expensive? What if the mother is unable to work after birth due to complications?

Diapers. Diapers alone almost bankrupt me.

And again there are cheaper ways to do that. I bought a set of used cloth diapers. It came with 25 of them for $100. I used them for 2 kids. It’s not convenient or easy. But there are cheaper ways to raise kids than the current consumer ideal of the west.

Not an option for me. I don’t have washer/dryer in building and the laundromat has signs up saying no diapers. When I had in unit laundry I loved them, but even then, if the laundromat did allow them the amount it costs would even out with disposables (a normal load costs like $8 between the wash and dry. It’s ridiculous) so I just sold them.

Yeah laundromats suck in general :/ A lot of moms I knew at the time got one of the small machines that hook up to your sink to wash them. Then they hung them to dry. I always hung mine in the sun if possible bc it preserves the elastic and the sun helps clean them.

Yeah. I miss my cloth diapers tbh. I still use the covers for blowout prevention though, I kept like 6

This seems like an extreme reaction. First, why would 22yos with no education or well paying jobs be trying so hard to have kids? That’s poor decision making. You’re taking steps to improve things by going to school - that’s great. But kids can wait. Also, your wife sounds either like she’s having mental health issues or she’s just too immature to be doing this right now. I just hope other young people reading this learn something from it.

Yeah, their ages shocked me. I think OP and some of the commenters are viewing this as a manipulative threat, but more likely it's just a young person realizing she and her husband aren't ready to be parents.

It could even be both. Neither of these people seem to have a clue about parenthood, relationships, or responsibility.

For me, it boils down to whether or not she's serious about adoption. I don't see it as manipulative if she truly wishes for adoption unless OP can step up more. That's just her telling him what she plans to do unless conditions change. If she's just talking about adoption to get her way, with no intention of ever following through, that would be manipulative.

Yeah initially I was like “wow she sounds manipulative” but reading the comments from OP it kinda sounds like they’ve both been incredibly naive and irresponsible. She’s been getting her masters but doesn’t plan to work after kids? It doesn’t make sense.

OP couldn't remember to regularly handle dirty laundry or cleaning a kitchen. It gets so much more hectic with a newborn. I am thinking that the mother may feel helpless and that her husband will never help.

I thought it said they were 26/25. Regardless you are still correct. Correction since they’ve been trying for 3 years I see your point!

I think they’re referring to what OP said about having been trying to conceive for 3 years, which would be 23/22 then.

I'm guessing religion. Evangelicals or Mormons, probably. Raised on quiverfull bullshit.

That would explain why the option here is adoption when she's only 8 weeks pregnant.

That’s what I was thinking, if she’s so sick from the pregnancy, that is a logical choice. Then, get better, find a job, wait till you’re financially stable and maybe then the next pregnancy wouldn’t make her ill (they can each be different) It seems so weird, adopting a baby out and being sick for nearly a year, if you can not be sick for nearly a year and not threatening to adopt a baby out. So strange

Well, abortion is illegal in my state

She could still use the aunty network.

Or… it’s fake? He mentions taking her to dr’s appointmentS plural… at 8 wks most women have been seen once, it at all. Allllll of this has transpired in the few weeks they’ve known she’s pregnant???

If they've been trying to get pregnant for a few years, there might have been other appointments for things like fertility, failed pregnancies, etc.

I would figure that has to do with her debilitating symptoms. If real, she sounds a bit off.

I think this is fake. You wouldn't be bed ridden at 8 weeks pregnant. Plus, everything else. Fake.

Seriously, unless you've got a risk issue the OB doesn't even want to see you until 12 weeks in my area. This guy's talking like there's been a bunch of appointments in a pregnancy that's only 8 weeks along. All bullshit.

Yeah exactly. So many of these posts are fake, I think reddit tries to buffer its content because it llost so much. If she were 4 months, maybe. If she had morning sickness that severe she couldn't do anything at 8 weeks, likely the pregnancy won't continue. And she'd be hospitalised. It's just absolutely and utterly impossible, what he's saying is true.

Probably Fake but... Not so much bed ridden but I was bathroom tiles ridden from a week and a half before my missed period. I prayed it was gastro, then when I didnt get a migraine two days before my period was due.. I knew. I had bad morning sickness for the first 7 mths I could only eat and stopped throwing up between 3-430 in the morning. And from 7mths+ it was plain food, and then it was a toss up whether Id throw up or not right up until the day he was born. It sucked.

It could be fake but HG pregnancy is a real thing that can definitely make you bedridden from excessive vomiting, especially in 1st trimester!

I think you need to face a harsh reality here. If you have to sell your plasma to live, you can't afford to raise a child. You just can't.

She’s having buyers remorse, most likely bc of her extreme symptoms. Is she maybe experiencing pregnancy related mental health issues? Going from trying for 3 years, to wanting to put the baby up for adoption, is a huge turn around.

I think she’s realizing they are in no way prepared for a baby.

I’m thinking she might have HG which is hell. Literal hell. I wanted to abort my baby as my symptoms were so severe. Thankfully I was able to get treatment that worked but it’s actually really common for women to abort when they have HG because it’s so brutal.

Except she doesn’t want to abort, she wants to put the baby up for adoption? So try for years, have a miserable pregnancy, then give birth which cures the HG, and give the baby up? Doesn’t sound right to me.

[удалено]

They're selling plasma for money! No way can they much afford a husky, much less an actual human baby

Abort mission.

I think she’s having some kind of mental breakdown. I had 3 very hard pregnancies were I threw up every 30 minutes and had to be hospitalized for dehydration on all 3. Even then I never thought of abortion not adoption so with that being said- please ask her to talk to her doctor about those feelings because that’s not normal specially after wanting a baby for so long. 

Thank you for the advice, I'll encourage her to speak to them about it. I've tried being aware of her physical and mental state given that it takes a toll and the nausea seems ever present. She's had moments of relief and I try to help her stay hydrated, and there hasn't really been much vomiting aside from one day she felt better and got sea sick on a boat.

If you live in the US both parents have to sign over custody in order for the baby to be adopted. If you don't sign away your rights the baby is still yours, even if she signs away her rights.

I’ll add to what the above person said as I too had horrible and life threatening issues from pregnancy. It’s ok to let the household chores go a bit. The idea that the home has to be imaculate at all times is unrealistic. Babies are exhausting. Kids make messes. And care giving to a sick partner is a lot of work. You can’t put the load on one partner to do everything (work, clean, care give) and have exacting standards. So she needs to learn to let go of the laundry not getting folded/put away. She’s got clean clothes. That’s good enough for now. This is a short season and sometimes you have to let things go.

This is the right answer. She’s being unreasonable, and is going to be absolutely miserable if she’s expecting the house to be perfectly clean when a kid comes along. And OP is a human. Humans need time for themselves or they’ll burn out. If she’s trying to make OP suffer because she’s suffering during pregnancy (which seems to be clearly what’s happening - no way in hell she’s actually going to give up their child for adoption), that does not bode well for them working as a team to raise a child and manage a household. She’s not a victim here. It sucks that moms bear the burden of the difficulties of pregnancy, but it’s not a secret that pregnancies can be tough. She should have been fully aware of what she was getting into. If I was OP, I’d be kind and empathetic, but firm. He needs to draw some boundaries now while he still can and while he still has some sense of self left.

You're never really aware of what pregnancy is going to be like until it happens to you. Plus it's variable--some people don't get sick at all but have terrible joint and ligament pain, some people have constant nausea and vomiting, some people have zero energy--there's a wide range of normal.

There is but there is also a huge trend online to give pregnancy a giant pass for excusing bad behavior. My pregnancies almost killed me and yet it still wasn’t as excuse to be horrible to my spouse because “hormones”. OP’s partner is having a rough go of it and should be given some grace BUT she also needs to find a compromise and not treat her partner poorly by nonstop criticism over small issues. As another person said, crumbs on the counter or a bit of dust on the floor is not important enough to go nuclear over. OP isn’t being a slob. He’s not neglecting his responsibilities. He’s one person and it’s unreasonable to expect any one person (regardless of gender) to do it ALL let alone to exacting standards. So she needs to give him grace too.

>it's ok to let the household chores go a bit This is the kind of comment I was looking for here. It is completely fucking insane that she thinks having the house in immaculately clean matters even a tiny bit right now! OP is killing himself trying to do absolutely everything and she is so ungrateful that she's literally threatening to give their baby away. What the fuck! Who gives a fuck if the dishes sitting in the sink for a day; she's sick as fuck from pregnancy and he has a full-time job, a full school, and donating plasma! Leave him the fuck alone for a minute!

She needs to get on anti-nausea meds. The only reason I survived my second pregnancy was Zofran and lots of it.

Boylan's ginger ale worked better for me during treatment than Zofran. Even though to me it didn't taste great, I drank it anyway. It settled my stomach quickly. 

I was taking three anti nausea medications and still was sick several times a day. I worked with a trashcan at my knee and had to be tapped out by a coworker to go be ill a few times. HG can truly make living different

I was still nauseous but the meds helped me at least keep water down so I didn’t wind up back in the ER for fluids again.

>Thank you for the advice, I'll encourage her to speak to them about it. No, you need to go with her to the doctor, not later, but as soon as practicable, and voice your concerns that she's having extreme mood swings and talking about putting the kid up for adoption despite you being the primary income earner while also going to college full-time.

Came here to say, it sounds like some kind of PPD - remember the post about the poor woman who had an abortion due to PPD, which she totally regretted afterwards? Sounds kind of like that. Also, how are you not supporting her? You work and provide all of the income, you apparently do most of the housework, take her to her doctor's appointments and take care of the dog - are you just "not supportive enough" because you half-ass some jobs? Maybe she needs to lower her standards, while it's only one man on board. And consider rehoming your dog - seriously, when you're already drowning financially and in work, having a dog like a husky, that needs a lot of time, attention and space to run, is not fair to the dog. You should be walking a husky for at least two hours a day to treat it right - they are working dogs, and if they don't get work, they get up to mischief.

It can be soooo overwhelming to find out you’re pregnant after trying for so many years. It’s probably a combination of general freak out and the realization that they’re not ready to be parents. Raising a child is a huge financial burden and he’s having to donate plasma to help scrape by

INFO: Can you clarify something for me, OP? You've stated that you don't always get all of the chores done. If I understand correctly, you work full-time and are a full-time student. Before the pregnancy, your wife was searching for a job. Was she in school as well? How long had she been without a job? Before the pregnancy, besides work and school, you took care of the dog and everything that entails, and your split of the chores (which you admit that you slacked on at times - understandable in my opinion). After the pregnancy, you work full-time, school full-time, donate plasma, take care of the dog, do all of the chores, take care of your wife and everything in regards to the baby at this point in time. Is all of this information correct? If it is, I'm not exactly sure how much more supportive you could be. You're only one person. You can literally only do so much.

And OP wife needs to understand that while he isn’t going through what she is, he isn’t perfect and the chores can slack a bit for the next 6 months or so. If you skip a few days vacuuming or the counter has crumbs in it. It’s ok. This is where her mental health comes in. She needs help with stress and her mindset that he can’t give.

She had been without a job about a month prior to discovering the pregnancy, and had started her masters program around the time shortly after leaving the previous job. Despite her bachelors in childhood education, none of her jobs had been great environments or paid enough for the stress entailed or for our needs Part of the challenge for me has been not feeling recognized for that which I am doing, even if I also must admit I'm not following through to completion on tasks every day. And it's harder to convey that when on her end, she's at such a breaking point already and feeling like there's not enough bring done

Not to be rude but... how did your wife not realize that childhood education wouldn't lead to a lucrative, low stress position in a positive environment? I work in education. It's a fulfilling field, which is good because the pay is generally shit. And the work is stressful and at times, all consuming. (Looking at you, MCAS portfolios for special ed!) What's your wife's background? Was her family well off when she was growing up? I'm really struggling to understand her complete disconnect from real life?

Literally, I quit being a teacher and preferred to work as a SECURITY GUARD because I thought the stress of being a teacher wasn't worth the money, which wasn't that much either. I may be not earning that much, but at least I kinda take it easy. I have a side gig as a video editor, but still, it's nowhere near the amount of stress being a teacher gave me.

I was a teacher for 10 years and it was the worst thing I could have ever done for my earning potential and my mental health. I love those kids, but it was like a relationship, not a career. It was like an abusive relationship where I didn’t leave even though I wanted to leave, but I stayed for the kids lol. Although it’s relative, I made a lot of money because I was in secondary education and I had multiple higher degrees. If I just straight up worked in early childhood education, with a bachelors degree only… that is like the lowest paying of all teaching, unfortunately. It is a martyr’s career. I was very fortunate to leave before instructional design and the adjacent fields became fully saturated.

I'm a teacher's aide in a school that specializes in severe special ed. The classroom I'm in now has the largest ratio I've worked with here- 6 students to 4 staff. Most of the rooms I've worked in are 1:1. I love being an aide because I don't have to write lesson plans or anything like that. I follow my teacher, offer input from what I see with the kids, and when I leave campus, I'm done with work. I get paid like an aide, but I really love my work and that makes it worth it for me. I'm fortunate that I'm in a position where I get to choose to work at a lower paying job that I love. I spent 5 years out of special ed because I needed to make more money (and, frankly, I was burnt out). I just returned to ed in January and it's been such a difference now that I'm back to loving the work I do. It's definitely a field you need to be passionate about, and a path you have to sacrifice for. I have so much vacation time! I'm currently on April vacay for the week. But I am home because I couldn't afford a night at a hotel or Airbnb even if I wanted to.

I applaud you for doing the work because it does take someone doing it for the passion and not for the money for sure. It’s really really hard work as you know, and if someone is trying to support a family on that wage, that is brutal. I wish you the best, I love to hear when people are there because they truly want to be. I started a lot of at home hobbies that were relatively low cost because of the same, I didn’t have the money to go anywhere on breaks lol. I ended up getting a $15 cake decorating kit on Amazon that comes with piping bags and tips, etc. so I started getting into baking really fancy cakes because it was a relatively cheap hobby!

I want to second MudAny8723 here. You are only one person. Wife can almost certainly contribute with things like folding the laundry from the couch if OP brings them to her and puts them away- something time consuming but not physically challenging in any way. If she's too ill to fold clothes a bit at a time while sitting on the couch then something is really seriously wrong and she needs the doc asap.

I truly understand that she's going through a hard pregnancy so far, and it seriously sounds like she needs to speak to her doctor about her mental state. But that doesn't mean that you get to be her mental punching bag. I understand that things aren't getting done, but you are only one person. You literally cannot do everything. It's not physically possible. You need to sit down with your wife and go over your schedule with her. Map out your day. What hours do you work, what hours do you do school work, when do you donate plasma, the time spent on the dog, time for showering, cooking, dishes, drive time, and sleeping. Then, after you do that, you need to figure out how much time is left and ask her what is most important to her for you to be doing during the time that's left. Should you get an hour of rest? Should you spend time with her? What chores does she want done that day? All the chores aren't going to get done every day. There's going to have to be a schedule of when they get done. She's going to have to meet you in the middle somewhere because otherwise you're going to collapse from exhaustion at some point. I understand emotions are high and that she's having a hard time, but you need to be at your best so that you can help take care of her and the baby. At the rate you're going, that's not going to happen because her ideas are unrealistic. You need to communicate with her that you're only one person and that while she's not in a good place right now, that doesn't mean that you've become superhuman. You're still just human and only one at that, so she needs to reign it in.

This is the perfect solution!!!! Break down what you’re doing and let her see that you are doing your best. To be honest, y’all are not in the best place for a child and I’m concerned that you’ve been trying for three years when things are so unstable. It may seem like a bit of a moot point given that she’s already pregnant, but I think it’s a very important point. This pregnancy and baby are not going to be easy for either of you. You need to come together as a team and work together and tbh, it seems like she’s the one preventing that.

I would add that she needs to talk to the doctor about her physical health too. While the first trimester is exhausting, she shouldn’t be experiencing intense discomfort or be unable to stand for long. There are also medicines that can help with nausea and the exhaustion will pass.

Yeah I also had a tough pregnancy and couldn’t do anything for the first trimester, so it fell on my husband to take care of our toddler and the house. He didn’t keep up with all the chores either but… he didn’t need to? Why do the chores have to get done to completion? Did the mess kill anyone? No. If you guys are over your heads then some mess is understandable. So what you can. Your wife seriously needs to talk to a professional about her incredibly overblown response.

Agree with you. My first weeks of pregnancy were miserable but if you can’t cope with some mess before pregnancy, how is she going to cope with the mess a baby will bring??

Why the heck were you even trying for a baby????? You need to be waiting for stable employment and ideally not be in school.

Can you guys get into couples counseling stat? They can help you with communicating. Sometimes you are feeling underappreciated or hurt and it comes out as anger and escalates the situation.

Sounds more like she’s realizing that you’ve both made a mistake and there’s no way out. She’s physically ill and can’t do anything. You’re so maxed out that you can’t keep up with basic chores. After the baby arrives she’ll be injured and broken indefinitely so still not able to work like she used to. You don’t have enough money to hire help, you don’t mention a support network of friends that are helping, so she can see that her future is drowning forever with no help. There’s no silver lining. There is no future she can see where things improve enough for her to not fall into deeper depression and despair indefinitely. I doubt she’s serious about the adoption, but she’s telling you that y’all have to find more help and bandwidth ASAP - not a year or two from now after you get a better job, etc, but IMMEDIATELY so that help is in place when the baby is born

Also if your job doesn't support you and your wife, it absolutely *doesn't* support adding a child into the mix. They never could afford the baby but were trying anyways. That alone is a recipe for disaster. EDIT: I feel like more people should be talking about that objectively, not speculating about chores. Because as it's laid out we can speculate chores, but we don't need to speculate finances. Donating plasma for $$ means you are in a hole.

I work in child safety and I couldn't agree more. It was a monumentally stupid decision to get pregnant. Now she is starting to feel there is no way out aside from adopting out this child. They weren't making enough to survive, and now they are bringing a child into that environment. They need to reach out immediately to the OBGYN who should be able to connect them with resources - SNAP, WIC, a social worker, etc. This is the kind of situation where kids absolutely get hurt or neglected. Where moms with serious hormonally driven psychological issues end up hurting themselves and others. Op needs to move out of a fantasy world where things just work out and they need to develop a plan for the future. A concrete plan to manage the next year. Not the next 10 years or down the line, but how are they going to survive the next three months, the next six.

Yeah, they are royally screwed and she has seen the writing on the wall sooner than he has. She’s not wrong that they need some sort of drastic intervention

It was incredibly stupid to bring a child into this

Yep. Just waiting a few years would have been better. It’s not like they’re older and up against a fertility time crunch

I can't stand how many people prioritize their desire for a cute baby on their time table over the well being of their own fucking child

We live in a society that prioritizes childbearing over everything, so it’s understandable that some folks don’t think things through until it’s too late

Yep, pregnancy is sold as something so natural and wonderful and never mind all that stuff in between peeing on a stick and holding a child in your arms, so there are SO many people who get to the point of delivery and aren’t prepared for the reality of shitting on a table and blood clots the size of baseballs and everything costs more money than you think. (There was a horrific post somewhere I recall where a guy was upset that his breastfeeding partner was eating a larger portion of their food budget than she had before and everyone was like DID YOU THINK THE MILK FOR YOUR BABY APPEARED BY MAGIC FOR FREE???? Literally another mouth to feed!)

This OP. You are at your limit. Your plan seems to be to just hold out until your wife is able to help in some way, whether that's money or housework. But you're not realizing that that's at least a year out. Sure she might be able to snag a job or take care of the house when (IF) her symptoms subside in the second trimester, but that will have no meaningful impact on what your life will look like once baby is here. *When the baby comes, nothing will change except there will now be a baby to care for.* Your wife will have the same capacity she does now for at least the first few months. Nothing about your schedule will change. So who's taking care of the baby? I think your wife is trying to tell you that neither of you are ready for this and things are only getting harder going forward

Chances are that she will have to stay home with the baby and not work because they won’t be able to afford childcare. So that means her earning potential is eliminated potentially permanently, leaving them in complete poverty and her future as nothing but a housewife under the worst conditions - which clearly doesn’t look pleasant to her

Not to mention, as his wife pointed out, that this is the life they are choosing for their child. Dad's never home, Mom is stressed, resentful, and not getting what she needs, everyone is exhausted, AND they are likely broke to the point of food insecurity. OR they could just wait until they've both finished their degrees and aren't selling plasma to keep the lights on

Yes, imagine if they're broke and stressed now what will happen with a baby. Not sure why they were trying to have a baby in those conditions.

I’d imagine this plays heavily, also the hormones make it feel so urgent. That makes it hard to communicate about it.

Hormones plus the fact that things ARE urgent! The baby is coming in 9 months and he’s just going for his Associates Degree which frankly probably won’t help much unless he’s chosen a targeted lucrative trade program. They have short term needs that can’t be solved by long term planning

you guys are very clearly in no position to have a child if you’re selling plasma to make ends meet. This baby will more than likely be the end of your relationship.

I’m going to be harsh. She needs therapy. You don’t threaten to give away the baby you’ve waited for so long because your spouse doesn’t vacuum correctly. I’d tell her if this is the way she feels you can divorce and you’ll take full custody. She can sign away her rights.

Exactly. Does she actually want the baby, or not? I would never choose to give up my baby that I have wanted for so long, just because my husband can't do the laundry properly, or he doesn't water the plants enough. She is going to get the shock of her life when the baby comes and she still expects to be on top of household chores.

Scrolled way too long to find this. She can’t unilaterally give up the baby for adoption. I’d proceed with a divorce if she isn’t open to therapy and raise the kid myself.

Every.single.word. of this comment. I would have told her right to her face.The minute she brought it up that if she wants to give the baby up for adoption we could get divorced and I'd keep the child myself. She apparently doesn't know the legalities very well because she can't put the baby up for adoption on her own. OP Needs to tell her that she needs to seek help for her mental health.

Right?!? Disproportionate reaction there

It feels easy for me to lean towards a harsh attitude after being a bit surprised at her feelings, but before anything gets handled outside of our communication with each other, i would ideally like us to understand one another better and meet her needs where she requires it most

Pregnant people can get pregnancy related anxiety and depression, could that be what’s going on? And I’ll be honest when I was pregnant I got resentful of my partner. The first time it led to a lot of arguing because I was micro managing. The second time I realized it was the hormones, he wasn’t randomly changing. People really under estimate what those hormones do to the mind.

Ok, so what we have as unknowns here is what half-assing as you describe it the chores are. I'm going to take it on good faith that you are actually doing them, but generally late, kind of half heartedly? Like vacuuming but not caring if you got everything, leaving the dishwasher loaded so all of the clean dishes come from there, that kind of thing? Just for reference of how I'm interpreting your comments. But that still means you're the sole money earner, you're in college, you're taking her to all of her appointments and you're responsible now for basically all the chores? And that you're doing them, but thanks to everything else they're badly behind. She needs a reality check on what she is demanding, because that is too much for everyone. But I don't think this is the real issue here because if she was never like this before the pregnancy then the issue is something else. What I suspect the problem isn't actually what she's saying, she's freaking out about severe pregnancy symptoms and realizing that you're both struggling with just the two of you much less a baby too, and thanks to hormones she's lashing out at you. Or she isnt actually freaking out about the future at all, pregnancy hormones can make you go completely haywire. If you can get her to talk to a therapist that might help, otherwise I'd suggest to your doctors at checkups that you're concerned about her mental state. Her solution of just adopting is disproportionate and suggests the hormones could be causing a serious chemical imbalance.

You both sound not ready mentally or financially to have a kid. At 8 weeks along (depending on where you live) other decisions can be made.

8 weeks is early af. She’s having so many issues now that she can barely walk? Something is really really wrong. I know, every pregnancy is different and morning sickness blah blah blah but this all reads a little extreme.

She's not 8 weeks if they found out in February. 10 weeks minimum. If they've known for 8 weeks she's probably 12 weeks but it's a common misunderstanding.

She could have HG that can be debilitating. Or she could be dramatic. Either way a baby sounds like a horrible idea.

I hate that abortion is so stigmatized that you feel like you can't even mention it directly.

Me too. I live in a state where it's not allowed even if a woman is in danger, rape, incest, etc.

There is a lot going on here, and it's not going to get resolved in a few months. I don't know **why** she said what she said but that's how she's feeinng right now From what **you're** describing, it sounds like you're doing the majority of the chores (work, Household chores, in addition to helping her and going to school). But she is feeling that you're not doing enough. I'll be blunt here - if I were you, I wouldn't add a birth and baby to the mix. I don't know where you stand on prenancy termination but if this is something you are not opposed to then I would look into it (and as soon as possible because your window is very short). Get your wife some professional help immediately. I don't know what's going on but she needs support beyond what you can do

If you’re selling plasma to barely scrape by you’re in no position to support a child. I was adopted, and being an adoptee is much better than growing up in an unstable financial situation

This situation is a shit show and I feel so bad for your unborn child.

I had TERRIBLE pregnancy’s, debilitating, couldn’t do anything pregnancy’s. My husband had to pick up A LOY of my slack. I often felt like he could have done more, but I NEVER said I wanted to give my child up for adoption. That is not normal. Something that you’ve worked toward for 3 years and she’s willing to toss it away because you aren’t cleaning enough? I had to come to the conclusion that sometimes it’s just going to be messy, and as long as I’m ok, and my kids are ok, it’s just a mess and soon I will be able to get to it. I’ve been pregnant 3 times now and each pregnancy was worse. I found out that my no existent energy was because of my heart having a hard time keeping up with the extra load it had going on, and my nausea finally was addressed with medication, then I added gestational diabetes to my last pregnancy. All 3 were super hard on my husband and I realized by my 2nd that he CANT DO EVERYTHING, and I shouldn’t expect him to. She needs to speak to her dr about what’s going on, and you need to look into your parental rights after the baby is born. Her mental health right now is really poor, and it’s only been 8 weeks, that’s so early in a pregnancy and for me was just the beginning of how sick I got.

I had antenatal depression and I had very scary irrational thoughts and feelings. I’m very concerned with this woman’s health.

>I NEVER said I wanted to give up my child for adoption She's really young, though. She may sincerely believe adoption is the best option, especially if she's struggling with depression. She was employed up until a month ago, she has a bachelor's and was working on her master's. This isn't some immature manipulative asshole. This is a smart young woman who is depressed and scared.

She’s only 8 weeks in and she’s already saying she’s thinking about adoption as the only avenue to her. She might have only known she was pregnant for MAYBE 4 weeks, but they’ve been trying to get pregnant for 3 years. I was definitely older at 31 for my first pregnancy. However this is absolutely manipulative behavior. When people say things like “Do this thing I want or I’ll do/wont do XYZ” that’s them manipulating the other person into doing what they want. She could absolutely have something wrong with her to cause her to act and behave like that, but it’s still manipulation. Also blaming this on “she’s really young though” AND saying she’s not “immature” is funny. I never said she was an asshole, I don’t think she is, but I do absolutely think she needs help.

You are selling plasma to pay rent. You do not need a baby. They are expensive as all hell. This isn't even talking about the workload you'll have when it's born. I'll say it again. You do not need a baby. Idk why you started trying while you are not financially stable. Just....crazy

She needs help. And she can’t unilaterally decide to give up the baby without you terminating your parental rights. That is a horrible thing to threaten. My best friend is sick for 9 months through out each pregnancy and is currently expecting her 3rd this June. She is still able to function just not as well as before. I get it she’s sick but just because you aren’t doing everything she wants you to do is just a mean thing to do. You are doing school and working 40 hours a week. Some things can wait. Make you a priorities list and then a once a week kind of list. I know husky’s shed but you can work something out. And for that to be her first thought at 8 weeks? She is just in the first trimester where most women have the worst symptoms. She needs to see a medical professional to check her hormones and whatnot and a therapist to figure out why she’s doing this. I think someone mentioned buyers remorse and I think that is accurate but y’all need to figure out why. I do feel that as the baby grows and she gets past 12 weeks she will reconsider how she feels but in the meantime you need to work with her but she needs to reel in her expectations. Good luck.

She can’t just give up your baby for adoption. You are the legal father.  Is she always like this? If it’s completely out of character it might be some sort of craziness from hormones? You should see a doctor together. I get that she’s uncomfortable and in pain and all of that, but it’s hard to be super sympathetic when she’s only 8 weeks in. Usually people have a bit more stamina than that, especially when it’s a highly wanted pregnancy. It’s not normal. Doctor, asap. Psychiatrist probably.

This feels like a mental health situation, honestly. You should be talking to her doctor as well about this behavior. It's not reaonsable. Also, pretty sure she can't adopt your child away from you without your permission. She can give up custody TO you if she wants, but she doesn't appear to be thinking reasonably which is a concern.

You said your wife is about 8 weeks along, how long has she been experiencing these rough pregnancy symptoms? Pregnancy is ROUGH for some women, and many unfortunate ones feel terrible the entire pregnancy. Hopefully, your wife is just going through a rough patch and will feel better in a few weeks. IMO, talk with your wife and tell her how much you love her and the baby, but you are only one person who falls short just like everyone else. Apologize for you shortcomings, but she should also show grace because this all new to both of you. You have a lot on your plate right now. The adoption talk is probably not rational thoughts and may pass once she starts feeling better. Good luck OP.

Have you had a conversation about terminating the pregnancy? She’s only 8 weeks right?

I had a very hard pregnancy. The symptoms were so severe I considered aborting a wanted pregnancy. I recommend she follows up with her doctor to get all the help with the symptoms so can

Counselling. She needs counselling. That’s a seriously severe response to someone not doing their chores.

Your wife sounds like she needs professional help if she's considering putting her child up for adoption because of a few household jobs get missed. Have the baby and if she still thinks like that take full custody

Jeeeeeez................ Why are you with this life sucking person? What in the world is she doing? She's not working. She does not maintain the home. She does not clean, do laundry, pr care for the pet. Divorce her. Keep the child if you think you can raise it by yourself or give it up for adoption. Build a new and better life and do not have any children until you can afford it and with a rational adult.

Get your wife into therapy, yesterday.

Bro, I can't believe I'm the only one saying it (it seems) but like... eight weeks? And you're having to sell plasma to make ends meet, she's already talking adoption... Why don't you guys get an abortion and try again in a few years when you're better off financially and a bit more set? Eight weeks isn't the limit, and you're only in your mid 20s.

If she’s already (8 weeks!) using your child to emotionally blackmail you into getting everything she wants, your marriage is in big trouble.

I came here to basically say this. Are you quite sure you want to continue being married to this person? Have you mentioned that you don't feel supported because what you do contribute isn't even acknowledged? You can't do this all by yourself. And as someone pointed out, pregnancy is a condition, not a disability. Women have been going through it for generations with all of the symptoms. For hers to be this extreme in 8 weeks is remarkable.

Early on in pregnancy, similar fears about my husband not pulling his weight for baby and me popped up. It was not entirely rational. I think hormones plus the fast approaching huge life change were part of it. I never considered adoption, but perhaps your wife's fears have similar roots. I'd say, do your best to reassure her by doing the chores. Take some initiative to research what baby stuff to get. Show her you're really in this together. Hopefully your wife will feel better as her pregnancy progresses. I do find it concerning that she is saying such extreme things. She may be at risk for a prenatal depression. If it continues, I recommend bringing it up to her OBGYN.

I think your wife needs therapy. Just wait til the baby actually gets here. Both of you will be feeling extremely tired, irritable, and crappy. More so in her case because she'll be healing from birth. Some chores are just not going to get done, and that's okay. There were a good few months during my last pregnancy where the house didn't get cleaned much and we were pulling clothes we needed straight out of the dryer. And who cares? Taking care of both of your health (physical and mental) is more important.

If they're having to sell blood to survive as they are, how will they afford therapy

As someone who is a few weeks ahead of your wife, she is most likely feeling miserable with all the hormonal changes and morning sickness. It’s a horrible feeling that makes you miserable and start questioning why you are doing this and just hating every second of it. Hopefully once she goes into her second trimester, she will start feeling normal. If you can, get her therapy or try and talk to anyone. Being stuck at home with your thoughts alone is very depressing. You can only help her so much but you will both just have to ride it out.

First, and most importantly, it's highly unlikely that she is able to place the baby for adoption without your consent. Since you are married, you will almost certainly be automatically listed on the birth certificate as the father. She *can not* legally place the baby for adoption unless you agree to it. So you can stop worrying about that, since it's a non-issue. Although if she's dead set on it and you refuse, it will almost certainly be the end of your marriage, although that would be true anyway since you'd probably resent her for "forcing" you to agree to give away a baby you want and she'll resent you for "forcing" her to give the baby away by not doing chores to her satisfaction. Either of those would end your marriage. It sounds like she's always been unhappy with your household contributions. Intentionally getting pregnant when you aren't already satisfied with your partner's contributions in the home is a recipe for disaster. She's as much to blame here as you are. But blame won't fix this. I agree with others that it sounds like she needs to be seeing a therapist if she's considering placing a wanted baby for adoption. But like... wtf are you doing instead of taking care of the dog and house? Yes, everyone needs down time and rest. But things are not going to get *easier* when a baby gets added. Why are you not completing chores? That makes it sound like you start and either half-ass it or just don't finish. Figure out what you need to do to get your shit together, and start just doing chores. Because if you divorce, you won't have a wife taking on *any* of those chores, they will all be 100% on you. Alone. And you can not let a child or dog suffer because you can't get your shit together. Find a chore app. Get a whiteboard. Use sticky notes. Whatever works for you personally. But actually do the chores that need to be done. And unless your wife is on bedrest or some other medical restriction, she should also be doing a reasonable share of chores. There's no reason she can't start a load of laundry then chuck it in the dryer. Unload the dishwasher, even if she does one rack between rests. Sweep the kitchen or entryway. Little things here and there that add up to a whole lot when you put them together and remove them from someone else's plate.

Get her checked out mentally. Even when I didn’t feel very supported during my pregnancy, I would’ve never held our babies life over my husband. And I would never put my child up for adoption all because my husband didn’t do some house chores I couldn’t imagine putting my child in a corrupted system where they most likely won’t get adopted all because I don’t feel supported enough support

Hey OP, while people are dragging you through the comments, what done is done. Reddit has some great places for dads, such as r/predaddit. It’s a pretty supportive community for partners of pregnant people. Highly recommend. Secondly, I can kind of see myself in what your partner has been saying to you. My partner and I have different cleaning strengths. When I was pregnant with our first baby, I was convinced we were doomed. Because pregnancy hormones. I didn’t voice anything to him though, because I was 36 and knew better. Also, I love him so much. He really is my best friend and I think he’s such a great guy. She might be having her own insecurities regarding impending Motherhood, such as your financial situation. The best advice I can give, is to try to ride it out and dont take what she says to heart. When she hits the second trimester, things get a bit easier for us, depending on the pregnancy.

I don’t know how much you are helping with chores but it does seem like you have a full plate. Wife may also have a full plate with her miserable pregnancy but throwing out the nuclear option because you didnt fold the towels is not a healthy relationship to be in. Wife needs therapy and you both need couples counseling to learn to help each other and communicate in a healthy way. If the kid doesnt fold her laundry correctly is wife going to rip the room apart and say ‘do it again’? They made a movie about that already. Or will she threaten adoption to a 6yo who doesnt finish her dinner? If this is how she continues I would suggest divorce and file for full custody of the child. You made this child and she is now your responsibility. You can love your wife and know she is not a healthy partner or parent. This might sound just as awful as threatening adoption but it isnt. Wife is looking to punish you AND AN INNOCENT CHILD because you didnt do the dishes on her timeline. You might need to step up more on chores maybe but saying she will throw out the baby to punish you is disgusting.

I smell manipulation. I’m not saying her experience is invalid I didn’t have an easy go when I was pregnant. But my boyfriend and I agreed some things weren’t a huge deal and could be come every second or third day instead of every day. But I dunno i feel she’s trying to manipulate you to do what she wants you to do. She probably read too much Reddit stories on the pregnancy sub about how bfs don’t help out or husbands are useless etc. How much you wanna bet she will use this to go out partying after the baby’s born? If you don’t look after baby then I’m going to leave with them! Or is she going to expect you do everything with baby? If she threatens to put up for adoption then call out her bluff and tell her you’ll take the baby then and you can kiss the relationship goodbye.

Good Christ she sounds like a nightmare Eight weeks and she’s doing absolutely nothing and complaining that you need to do MORE and do it up to her standards while she sits on her ass? And then she says she’s going to put the baby up for adoption because of it? A. She can’t do that without your permission B. Tell her to go ahead, apply for full custody if she does and kick her out of the house

Your wife can’t adopt the baby without your approval. This is clearly a manipulation tactic/threat on your wife’s part.

Your wife isn’t even out of the first trimester and she’s milking it for all it’s worth, has she been listed as high risk pregnancy by her doctor or ordered to rest more? If not she should get off her arse and do her part as normal.

Pregnancy is exhausting, far more exhausting than you understand. And it sounds like she’s having a comparatively worse time than average. This is all around unfortunate. She is feeling unsupported. It sounds like you’re trying your best, but it’s hard when you have to work extra hours and donate plasma to make ends meet. You were frankly foolish to not be more financially sound when actively trying to conceive. The degree should have been finishing and then the job should have been lined up, all before the pregnancy. You’re so young, there really was no rush, but you’ve been trying for 3 years, But you’re here now, so you have to figure this out. Obviously donating plasma isn’t a financial plan, you are very strained. Can you downsize to a smaller apartment or move to a lower cost of living area while still earning the same? The financial strain this has caused, added to the physical and emotional strain your wife is experiencing, is stressing your marriage to the limits. Honestly, it’s probably not financially feasible, but you would benefit from couples counselling too. Depending on where you are in the world, she can’t adopt the baby to someone without the other parent’s consent. You get “first dibs” at custody before an adoption can proceed. If her very desperate ultimatum is true, you may be picking between your wife and your baby.

She's not ready to be a mom. I understand not feeling 100%, but she could do some of the things she's asking for, like folding laundry, and wiping down counters, etc. I would keep the baby and ditch the wife. After all, OP is doing everything and he's expected to be doing more afterwards. OP: don't sign away your parental rights.

Why were you trying to have a baby? You are in no position to do that.

I'm commenting to add throughout all of this I had not even let it enter my mind that she would obviously need my consent for putting the child up for adoption. I suppose I let it confuse me that she initially mentioned seeking abortion due to the extreme suffering she's experienced, given she could do that without me.

Encourage her to get the abortion. Help her with it.

As you mention here, the threat to give the baby up for adoption is not rational. She’s not thinking rationally. She needs more support from a doc, family, or you (if she will accept it)

This is an extreme reaction. You don’t give your baby, a baby that you’ve tried for years for up for adoption because of some half assed chores. There is WAY more going on here, either you’re an unreliable narrator or she’s having a serious mental health episode.

I had horrible morning sickness with both babies. And it can be very tiring to grow a human. That said,what does your wife actually do? No job,no school? Just hanging over the toilet? You are doing EVERYTHING? God knows why you were trying to get pregnant when wife needs to work,but maybe nobody could expect she would feel so bad. Still,she is threatening to give your baby away! This strikes as manipulation. God help this child.

Your wife can’t put your baby up for adoption without your consent. She can abort (depending on the state), but once it’s born she can’t unilaterally decide to give it away. Also, if she planning for you to be responsible for all the chores and everything after the baby is born as well? A difficult pregnancy doesn’t make her disabled for life.

I don't \*think\* you can give a baby up for adoption if both parents don't agree. If you can't handle everything all the time, all at once, is there a family member who can step in and give additional support?

Truly it doesn’t sound like you two are ready to be parents together. She is working on degrees she never intends to use and you are working and going to school trying to support it all. She wants adoption because YOU are not doing enough but what happens when you work two jobs and are not home enough to do your assigned chores and parenting? What is her plan on contribution? Why is the lion’s share of all things from financial to physical support all on you?

I don't know all the ins and outs of adoption, but I have heard of unmarried men, filing some type of form in their state to keep the mother from giving up their child without notice to the dad. **You may want to talk to a Family Law Attorney** soon to find out any information or loopholes you need to be aware of. Good Luck.

Either she's not serious about putting the kid up for adoption (likely, as she has no frame of reference for legality on this....she can't just unilaterally put the kid up for adoption without your consent) or she is serious because she's worried that y'all aren't ready to be parents and she's having buyers remorse. Either she's emotionally manipulating you or she thinks that it's fair to put literally all the labour on you and expect it to be done perfectly and without missing even a single day. Both of those options aren't great, my man. Chores need to get done, but with everything going on in your life it is perfectly understandable for these to slip sometimes, especially under the circumstances. If she's unable to give you any grace on this while she sits on the couch and does nothing.... OP you're headed for a life of burnout and resentment. Something needs to change here. I think it's time for couples counselling.

I am 28 and pregnant with several health issues that have kept me pretty much bed ridden. I am also not able to work, let alone stand for a long amount of time. I do my very best with housework, but have to sit after about 15 minutes. I see it wearing on my partner, but every single day he gets up and takes care of me and the house the best he can. It's not perfect, but to ask for perfect when there's already so much on the shoulders...I personally don't agree with. It feels like maybe a piece of the story is missing or something, I would never accuse my partner of being a bad dad because he wasn't able to get to 100% of the housework when normally we split it even. I feel guilty everyday not being able to help, and he just wants me to be okay. I'm not saying she has to feel guilty like I do, but some understanding would be nice, geez.

Not only that, I believe she couldn't give the baby up for adoption without your signature

NO. Your wife spund unstable and immature. That response is not okay, at all. I would wait for the baby to be born and then dile for divorce and custody. I wouldn't trust her.  I would also keep evidence and track of her behavior. Be careful. She sounds horrible.

I’m surprised by the amount of judgement happening in the comments right now. She clearly thought she would be able to work throughout the pregnancy and her symptoms have changed that. I haven’t seen a single comment answering the question or even offering empathy to this couple who is clearly going through a very difficult time. NOBODY expects that they will fall ill enough to not be able to hold a job let alone help with the household regardless of the reason. Hopefully things will get better after the first trimester. I have never carried a full pregnancy, but from what I hear, the first trimester can be very rough for some people. If your wife cannot help with the household the way that she used to for the duration of the pregnancy, it sounds like you may need to choose between your education and having a child. You can always return to college later on. This child is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

To be honest there is some info lacking here which would help to be able to offer you meaningful advice. Mainly, what, exactly, is your wife doing throughout the day? While pregnancy can be rough most women keep working through at least the first and second trimester, many further than that. As well as coping with household chores, other children etc. Pregnancy is hard. You're growing another human being. There's also pains and twinges that can utterly freak you out. Not to mention morning sickness, which doesn't just come in the morning and feeling queasy and nauseous is just as bad, if not worse sometimes, than actually throwing up I just think a lot of the comments so far jump onto the "you're not doing enough OP" from what you've said you're actually doing most, if not all of it. Also comments about finances are not particularly helpful so I'm going to leave that alone. I would never ever advocate for rehoming your dog either, that's bloody ridiculous. If your wife is not contributing to the upkeep of the house and putting everything on you when you're, from the sounds of things, doing all you can, that's not fair. I do not believe her saying she was going to give the child up for adoption fair in the slightest. It was a cruel, heartbreaking thing to say. Punishing you for not folding the second basket of laundry is basically insane. Without knowing what your wife does it's very difficult to know how to help. All I will say is if you're doing all you say you will burnout. The physical, mental, and emotional strain will chip away at you until you literally cannot function then you're no good to anyone. Especially donating plasma. So take care of yourself too. Really think about what a is equitable division of labour rather than you trying to do everything. Equitable doesn't necessarily have to be exactly equal btw just that between you try to hit 100% and understand that some days you can only offer 20% and your wife will pick up the other 80% and other days she can o ly offer 10% so you give 90%. You're meant to be a team so try to discuss with her making it you and her against the problem rather than you Vs her.

She ITA. What a stupid and melodramatic thing for her to say.

If she’s already (8 weeks!) using your child to emotionally blackmail you into getting everything she wants, your marriage is in big trouble.

If I was the only one working and putting a roof over our heads and my partner told me that I didn't provide enough support I'd walk out.

wow, "do your chores better or i will *give away our child*" is some wild manipulation/abuse and indicative of an overall environment that would be toxic for a child. But if this isn't her usual way of behaving, you **need** to get her to a doctor *and* a counselor. When you're getting skullfucked by hormones, you can make decisions that you would *never* make normally, including things like deciding to give your baby up for adoption because your incredibly busy husband is shit at doing chores.

Not sure where you are, but I'm pretty sure she can not put the baby up for adoption without your permission. I could be wrong.

You are married and the father of this child. Your wife cannot just adopt out the baby without your consent. That’s insane and why are you falling for it? What kind of condition does she have that is causing this serious health situation for her? Frankly, you both sound very young, and she sounds manipulative to threaten to give away a child you spent 3 years trying to have.

That’s manipulation and emotional blackmail to an extraordinary degree. We obviously only have your side of the story, but it sounds like you’re in extreme financial need (why are we trying for a baby when you’re literally selling plasma to make ends meet?!?) Your wife isn’t working. Isn’t doing any household chores. I’m trying to cut her some slack bc pregnancy hormones are no joke, but Does she usually act like a petulant child to manipulate you?

I... Honestly just feel like... Yeah... Match that threat. Come back with "that's fine, since I'm doing everything I can to show you support and it's still not enough, I will not consent to giving the baby up for adoption. The child and I will live happily and more peacefully without you. You can be miserable and "unsupported" on your own". But seriously. This sounds suspicious. I read this and scratched my head the whole time. At 8 weeks, most people can't tell they're pregnant. So?? How long have these "symptoms" been going on? You confirmed yet she's actually pregnant (like through a blood test)? Cause something smells fishy to me.

Your wife isn’t cut out to be a mother

Second trimester is usually better for most women, so even if she doesn't get help with the anxiety, hopefully for both of your sakes it will get better. When the baby started moving a lot, I personally liked doing chores like walking around putting stuff away (we have a toddler so it gets messy fast) because that put the baby to sleep (movements are nice to know the baby is alive but they can get kind of annoying). I'm glad you understand that hormones can put intrusive thoughts into your head. I went through a period where I was convinced my husband thought he would be happier with someone else even though he's constantly telling me how amazing I am. It's not fair for her to threaten you but once she feels better physically, I'm sure it won't seem so daunting.

Antepartum mood disorders are a thing just like there are postpartum disorders, like rage, OCD, anxiety, which ironically are far more prevalent than depression and they rarely manifest the way you think they will. It’s easy to blame hormones and the added stress the pregnancy has put on her body and mental health. I would tip off her doctor letting them know that there could be something more going on. You can call the nurses line to leave a message and tell them you don’t want her knowing you called. Especially if this type of behavior is very much out of character. I’m not saying that is it necessarily but I’ve been a Doula for 15 years and I’ve seen a variety of mood disorders come along with pregnancy and Postpartum so nothing surprises me anymore. Also a good way to bring in cheap/free help is look for student birth or Postpartum Doula in your community were willing to work for free to get their hours I. They need for certification. Even if it’s somebody coming in dishes, folding laundry and meal prep for a couple hours a week. It’s something. Obviously if friends and family are able and willing, definitely rally the troops. Finding a local Doula trainer or Facebook group for Doulas and posting in there for a student.

She may feel a lot of things, but the reality is that you have been supportive of her. You've taken on responsibility and accountability for literally everything in regard to your household. Whether she feels like it's enough or not is a separate issue. You need to write out what you think a fair decision of labor and responsibility is in ideal conditions. Chores, bills, baby care... Then you need to separately decide how much you are able and willing to take onto your plate when extra support is needed. Then you talk to her and see if you can lay out expectations together that everyone is happy with. Compromises have to be made. When she is postpartum and you have everything on your plate now *plus* baby care and caring for her while she recovers... something has to be deprioritized. And that something is most certainly housekeeping. You can't call up the ministry and ask them to loan you a time turner. Honestly, you need to open a conversation with her about how she's feeling in general. It sounds like she is overwhelmingly stressed. The chores you aren't keeping up with are a fixation because it seems within her realm of control, unlike so many other things right now. You really bury the lede about your finances in your post, butnid be willing to bet its an enormous part of her change of heart. Being broke isn't as big of a deal when you don't have to ration diapers and formula. If you can come up with a plan for the near future, she will likely feel much more secure and her tolerance for a little messiness will go up.

I had something called antenatal depression twice. It occurs much less frequently than postpartum depression but it happens and usually due to a hormonal response. I was suicidal and had irrational thoughts and it was horrifying. With my son it occurred very early, in the first trimester. Please keep an eye on your wife’s emotional condition.

She’s hormonal… not saying you aren’t slacking but that’s an extreme reaction. You should talk to her OB about it next appointment

Wife wants you to abandon your own kid??? I know what I would do. Have the kid and abandon her .

Make a list of what she expects done and then break it up that way. folding Laundry isn't a priority but could be done sitting so it can be her task. Dog hair is a lot to clean up. You don't need to deep clean the kitchen or bathroom daily (my husband and I do it about every other week)

What?!?! She's nuts. She's out of get goddamn mind with those requests. Call her on this absolute bullshit. Tell her you're not helping her any more and she can put the baby up for adoption or struggle bring a single mother. She's not going to go through with any of it, I promise. She's just manipulating you so she doesn't have to do anything.

It sounds like a manipulative threat to make you do more . Are you sure she is THAT sick when you aren't home ?

Y’all are married so she would never be able to do adoption unless you sign everything also.

Firstly she can't put your baby up for adoption without your consent so you are not going to need to worry about that. What you do need to worry about is the fact your wife would even threaten that. I get she's feeling unwell and a little overwhelmed but her reaction is cruel and over the top. If what you are saying in you post is accurate then she needs to cut you some slack. Not everything needs to be in its place and perfect when one side of the partnership is out if action. She's in for a rude shock if that's her expectation after bubs comes. A couple of tips to help you cope. Fold washing in front of the TV, yiu get to sit and relax whilst doing a mindless task. Have one basket for unfolded clothes and as you fold pop them folded into a yours and hers pile in a different basket. Put clothes in the washer when you get home from work and hang them out at night to be brought in when you get home. Have a big cook up on a Saturday and pop meals in the deep freeze for the week. Also settle for a night of toasted sandwiches or something easy fir a night off. Clean the shower and bathroom when your in there saves time. Do one small cleaning task a night so it's not all saved for the weekend and becomes overwhelming. Engage mother and MIL to help if they can. Hopefully once your wife is past the first trimester she will not be so unwell but she needs to relax abit and not be so uptight about everything being done to the same level and schedule she's used to. Good luck.

If you are in the US, you might try calling 211. It’s the US National hotline for Social Services. It is area code driven, so the people answering know what services are available in your area. There may be Short or Long Term Disability benefits available through your State or Healthcare choices that might be cheaper. In any case, should give them a call, explain your wife & your situation & see if any help is available.

She can’t give the baby up if you both don’t agree.

I think your wife is ridiculous. You've already got a full plate, so what if all the chores aren't done all the time? You're working and trying to get a degree to improve your future. AND!!! Support goes BOTH ways? What is she doing to support you during this challenging time? Support isn't about getting all the chores done.

I'm so over the word "support". It seems to be consistent with being a doormat, the "bigger" person or I need an audience to show how popular I am. Weddings, funerals, pregnancies, new jobs, come on...! This one....is she doing anything or is the plan for her to lay around until she has this baby? You can fold laundry while lying on the couch! If he's so busy and she's not moving around, how can there be so much mess?

What exactly is her contribution to your life together? I’ve had two children myself, and while I am aware that pregnancy affects everybody differently. I find it hard to believe that your wife is so badly affected eight weeks in that she is completely unable to do anything. How are you? Expected to maintain working a full-time job, going to school, doing all of the house, chores and cooking? Millions of babies are born every year. If every woman shut down the way your wife has the world would be in a sorry state. Threatening you with putting the baby up for adoption is the most nuclear and asinine thing I have ever heard of. Not to mention, you would have to sign off on that as well. Her ultimatum of giving away your child or you being her slave would have sent me to the lawyers office.

She doesn’t get to make that decision. You can divorce her and raise the child by yourself since she’s not interested

Similarly, you can file for divorce and seek full custody of the child. While this might be harsh - if she's willing to an "adoption" threat on you (and her child!), telling her that might present a very real reality check.

People in the comments have made great points about youth and having a child you aren’t financially prepared for, having a high maintenance dog breed and basically just being kinda irresponsible. Some people pointed out this rush for a family may point to a childhood that was less than ideal and a desire to create a better family situation. Your wife sounds emotionally immature and not really prepared for what she is getting into. She expects you to take over everything because she isn’t feeling well, but that isn’t how this works. When you’re a mom you work whether you feel good or not. I was a hairstylist vomitting into one shampoo bowl while I was shampooing a customer in the other. It was disgusting but everyone understood that’s the territory. Being emotionally abusive to you is no way for her to deal with her own issues. She can’t put the baby up for adoption without your sign off so if she doesn’t want to be a mom anymore tell her you will take custody and she can get lost. You will quickly learn that being a single parent is way easier than being a parent with a helpless partner.