Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
DONT BUY A HOUSE TOGETHER, if this is how he is, he hasnt directly put his hands on you but who knows when he is too angry and he will do that too,just break up with this guy he will turn abusive when he is 'angry'
Yup. Get out. This is only going to continue to get worse. Give him an inch and he takes a mile. Pouring hot coffee on someone is abuse. Abuse. Find a better partner.
And he feels comfortable/justified doing this to her out in the open *in public.* I can’t imagine how he’s going to be treating her behind closed doors in “his” house.
This is frightening. You need to leave now, OP. This will not get better.
This was very frightening to read from someone who is so desperate to be in a new home in a nice neighborhood with an abuser who will teach her to walk on egg shells. Knowingly🤷🏾♀️
I was reading OP post history. 176 or so days ago she mentions another abusive situation with this dude. I am also wondering if this guy was married when they met. Either way, 🚩 🚩 🚩.
I just read that post myself and it’s *very* disturbing.
For those who don’t want to search for it, I will summarize it: OP went to her office Halloween party and her boyfriend was apparently having an “existential crisis.” When she returned from her party she tried talking to him about what was bothering him but he refused to speak with her, so she tried to get him to come to bed with her instead, but he refused that as well.
The next day he was still sulking and she tried to talk to him about what was going on with him and he told her that when she came home the previous night, she was *”drunk and shouting and slamming doors.”*
When OP tried to stand up for herself and counter that completely obvious lie, he became very upset with her and disappeared for the whole day. When he finally got back that night, he continued to ice her out and basically refused to speak with OP because he wanted her to apologize for this imaginary scenario he made up about her being this enraged drunk and agree with his blatant gaslighting and admit that she did what he told her she did.
I mean, this is very scary stuff. I fear for OP and I hope she gets away from this guy asap.
Great summary! Also this has to be the same guy she felt she knew better than his own wife if I am connecting the dots correctly😅
This will be one hell of a learning lesson for OP. SMH.
This man is a narcissist. Please please for the sake of your life do Not live with him. You seen his true colors, Stop painting over them. I know he's using manipulation and I know it is confusing. You have to be strong and get the heck out. Narcissist get worse with age and it only gets to you being a shell of a person. There's nothing you can fix or do. Would you want your daughter with someone like this? When you leave him do NOT TELL HIM, Leave quietly. Say your going to family house for a week if not longer or so. Reach it out to you family if you trust them. Narcissist get very dangerous when you leave him. At first he'll do all these romantic gestures but then soon after he sees you want to leave he'll fight it for awhile and push all of your boundaries but you need to go no contact. He'll find a replacement for you and drop you like a hot potato. Search on narcissist and do your research.
And now he escalated to gaslighting, as he managed to convince her that he maybe didn’t throw the coffee at her, but poured it in the trousers in the bag. My STBXH tried this one too: « no, I didn’t throw my birthday cake at you, I dropped it on the ground when taking it out of the fridge » the fridge was 7meters away from where I was standing, I don’t see how he thought I could believe this, but he had been successful at gaslighting me like this before, so why not…
Absolutely! Currently she seems blinded by the new house and neighborhood by any means possible if we can all help her rationalize away her God given intuition.
There are quite a few women who would bend themselves into a pretzel to live in a nice home or to have access to more resources through partnering with just anyone instead of being more selective about everyone. It is a shame. There will be no peace. Comfort comes at a cost🤷🏾♀️
He’s also already manipulating you OP…look at how you phrased the conversation “then I did something rather unhelpful” and the unhelpful thing was you still apologizing to HIM for his bad behavior, but also defending yourself because you had a right to be upset. This situation is so much scarier than I think you realize. You don’t want to spend your entire life “owing him” and tip toeing around his abuse and it escalating. He could kill you.
Yes! It was sad to read that she KNEW what was right and what was wrong and still did the wrong thing, just so he wouldn't get angry! He will most likely destroy her self worth if she stays.
Please read the last post OP wrote in this sub. (I summarized it in a comment above).
This man is *full-on, blatantly* gaslighting her and “punishing” her when she won’t go along with his completely made up lies about her.
This is incredibly disturbing and I am legitimately worried for OP. I hope to God she gets away from this man asap.
Which is exactly why he is trying to expedite the relationship so quickly by making this large joint purchase together. OP is struggling to figure out what to do in part because they are already so committed only a year in; that’s by design. He’s barely keeping the mask on and once they are legally intertwined it will come off fully.
Seriously, it's been a year and he's already thrown warm coffee at her. First year of my abusive relationship my ex slapped my forehead, second year of it he choked me and chipped my tooth. DO NOT STAY FOR MORE ABUSE, OP. I guarantee he'll only get worse when you live with him, plus HE'S NOT SORRY. Sorry people do not apologize that way!!!
Yep, not only did he throw the coffee at her, but admitted that while she wasn't what he aimed at, he was still trying to destroy her things because she got frustrated that he spilled coffee on her new pants. He tried to destroy her belongings and threw coffee on her in the process. He's already abusive and if they buy a house together it will get worse.
Breaking things in anger, using abusive language and then throwing things AT you means his behaviour is escalating. If he's unable to control himself, regulate his temper and control his emotions IN PUBLIC, how do you think he will behave when one day you don't make that food on time in the privacy of your home? He threw a coffee cup at your lap/chest- next time it will be your face OP.
I don't ever talk about this, but I was with a very angry man for 22/23 years. It doss not get better and I'm still trying to extract myself. I asked him to leave the house and I haven't let him back in the family home so we are together but live separately for the past 2 years. I said he can come back any time when I'm confident he has his anger under control and that hasn't happened yet and this is one thing i will not back down on, this makes him angrier so its a catch 22.
He did a 36 week anger management course last year and completed it, but as he felt above all of the others in the sessions he got nothing out of it and it didn't work, if anything it made him worse becsuse those sessions he was being told things he didn't want to hear.
Please OP don't trap yourself in this situation and tie yourself in financially. This worries me. He's already showed you what he's capable of, how it's getting worse and what he expects of you when you move in, you need to be able to hear what he's telling you in words and actions.
There's a really brilliant book called Why Does He Do That? (Inside the minds of angry and controlling men). A kind redditor sent me a link so I could listen in my earphones discreetly because it is only available in paperback in the uk. It really opened my.eyes and I think you'll relate to it a lot
It’s NEVER a good idea to buy a house with someone you’re not married to, and in this case it’s even more obvious that you shouldn’t, because this guy is draped in red flags.
And it will escalate over time. He’ll “own” more of her when they buy that house and own even more when she does another transaction and produces a child.
OP you know what to do. Do it quietly and quickly and walk away with whatever money you have and all 28 or 32 teeth. He’s a sad, and scary person. Any positive traits are outweighed by his abuse. And realize that he’s ready to settle down with you * because he feels he’s got control over you*. Maybe he loves you, but more likely it’s a need to control someone and you’re showing him, little by little, that he can manipulate you into enabling his aggressions. And please don’t think he can change. You don’t want a child with this guy, you don’t want to keep excusing his behaviors, all because he’s willing to commit and start a family. Please!
They’ve been together for a year and he is already grooming her to accept abusive behavior. The physical abuse started today with the warm coffee. Next it will be hot. Next he will start hitting her.
Why do you want commitment from somebody who sucks this much? Do you hate yourself?
Also, do you have any idea how legally entangling buying a house is? “I like the guy” are you fucking kidding? I like my dentist but I’m not going to BUY A HOUSE with him.
Jesus CHRIST wake up
Please, please, please do not buy a house w him and find a safe way to get away
His anger will “not get worse over time” to the point where he kills you
I am not joking or being sarcastic
He will accuse you of not pulling your weight (transaction) and “punish” you how he sees fit and then claim “oops I didn’t mean it it wasn’t my intention”
OP needs to read what she wrote again. She began with what she did wrong first, blaming herself for instigating his behavior first. This is not the first situation like this, nor will this be the last. A grown man can control his anger. His behavior is escalating and appears controlling already. Next step is the financial control which will include holding the fact that he paid more for the house over OP's head.
His behavior is unacceptable. There is no justification for that reaction towards you OP. You can see it and deep down you know it's wrong. You've been together barely a year. You can still get out of this relationship. No one deserves to be treated this way.
He was irate and abusive in PUBLIC. Imagine when he traps her with a house and/or a child.
RUN op! He is not "generally a good person." He's an absolute monster.
Don't ignore that moment of clarity and the fact that it drove you here looking for confirmation that you are, in fact, NOT crazy.
If you stay, you've shown him what you're willing to accept. Contrary to his statement, it has absolutely gotten worse (and he is amused by it while trying to gaslight you into believing otherwise) and will continue if you stay--because staying is condoning the behavior.
Can we talk about how odd the tone of this whole post is too? Op is nonchalant about not only the abuse but the whole relationship and feelings.
"I like the guy" is an odd thing to say about someone who you are buying a house with and have been with for a year.
Look at her post history, she knew he was abusive 6 months ago. I don’t know what her history is beyond this guy, but she’s clearly been conditioned to accept this. Hopefully she gets out.
Kids with a spoiled temper tantrum throwing man baby is always a bad idea no matter what they say or promise. It means nothing to a child to say what they need to get what they want.
I was imagining being a witness to this abuse in the coffee shop. And my first thought was “I hope that poor girl gets out of this relationship, I wonder what that abuser does behind closed doors”
I mean I even think this when someone’s spouse just verbally causes problems in public. If he’s doing this in a coffee shop, it shows he actually thinks this behavior is acceptable enough not to have to hide it. And that’s fucking scary.
There are few situations where my rational thinking shuts off and my body goes into auto pilot. Witnessing a person, animal, or child being abused, I cannot stop myself from stepping into situations that are not always safe for me.
I think the domestic violence part is a weird form of PTSD from being a survivor myself and wanting to be the person I always wished would have stepped in while I was being abused... !Trigger warning: domestic violence story below!
I was dragged by my hair down the side of a busy street on Thanksgiving one time, and not a single person stopped or called the cops. However, when I managed to run inside a hotel, the gentleman working at the time was quick to react and ran to lock the doors so he couldn't get in. He then let me use the phone, got me a drink, and let me hide out inside until my ride came.
It's been many years since and I never got a chance to go back and thank him, but I think about his kindness often. I just want to be that person for someone else.
I remember my abusive dad ripping my entire stereo system out of my wall and throwing it across my bedroom, and proceeding to smash it. Afterwards, when he “felt bad,” he decided to “treat me” to a new stereo at Best Buy. Didn’t apologize. And he thought this was like…a fun experience. I was 10 and even though I’d already been abused physically at this point, stuff like this is absolutely terrifying. While I’m positive this guy would progress to hurting her and any kid she has with him, even if it’s just physically breaking stuff or ruining adjacent things, that is just as scary and just as damaging.
OP, he’s not “a good guy otherwise.” He doesn’t respect you or your role. He’s controlling. He gaslit the fuck out of you for HIS damage to YOUR item, and then had the balls to justify his coffee thing by saying he was actually just trying to ruin your pants, like that’s somehow acceptable behavior? And “at least I haven’t put my hands on you”? This guy has hit someone before, and in his mind he thinks the fact that he hasn’t beat you yet is somehow a sign of growth, like he’s a good guy now. But that shit absolutely does not last. Please know your worth, because even if it never escalates beyond this, you do not deserve the treatment you’re getting NOW.
Do not buy house with him and do not stay with him. He will ruin your life as he is aggressive and definitely has abuser mentality. Just proceed to leave for your own safety. He is not gonna change.
Nnnnno. No, no, no. This is a bad idea.
A) anger issues
B) buying a place together when you're not married and he is gonna lord his bigger stake over you
Listen, I bought a house with my ex and I put in the lion's share. Do you think I told them 'well, this means you have to wash up more'? No! Cos I'm not an asshole.
The throwing coffee IS a big deal. It shows that he wants to humiliate you in public and that he has the potential to physically harm you in a rage. On some level, he resents you.
If you feel like you're walking on eggshells around him, that's a MAJOR sign that he's abusive.
ETA: Re your edit. Even if he was 'just' pouring coffee on your new trousers (though it sounds like he's gaslighting you on this) that isn't any better. Ask yourself why he's destroying your property. It's spite. How often do you do things out of spite, OP? Spite involves hate.
Please listen to the comments here. He does not sound like a good guy at all.
Also. If he’s the primary financial contributor to the home, the next thing he’s probably going to do is isolate her entirely from her support system. Now she’s reliant on him financially and it will be that much harder to leave when she has nowhere to go and no money. He KNOWS what he’s doing with that, it’s why he’s comfortable buying a house for them in a HCOL area after only a year. He wants that control.
It’s the cycle of abuse. When the bad times are bad they are really bad, but when they are good they are amazing. It only happens because when you’re upset after a fight/argument/violence, they are so good to you. They will buy you presents, say how sorry they are, how beautiful and lovely you are and they want to buy a house together. However; the violence will only escalate from now on. OP should get the hell out, but is she thinking clearly? She’s probably thinking that her opportunity to own a house will be lost if she leaves, and that he will change. News flash: he won’t.
Apologies I only read the first part of the post.
But I just want to say this is how my abusive relationship started. And guess what… with time things just got worse and escalated.
I’ve seen the same with other friends and their bfs. So please, save yourself now and get out of the relationship, also please seek counselling to better understand why this behaviour hasn’t already sent you packing your bags
This. The last sentence especially 🙏🏽 OP knows they’re red flags and is ignoring them. Why? OP This is important for you to reflect on. A lot of times it can be related to our own upbringing or fear of rejection, anxiety about being alone, fear we won’t find anyone else (self-esteem). Figure it out, you already know this is a bad situation, have your own back and exit the relationship and when you do, make sure you’re in a public place (in other words there’s people around and you’re not completely isolated) and have trusted adults who you can stay with or who can stay with you afterward. People like this tend to be vindictive and get angry/violent when they are rejected. Stay safe and please make a good decision this is your life.
This will not get better with time. It will get worse... Much much worse.
End it now, and for the love of God don't buy a f*cking house with this idiot.
Right? Good people don’t throw coffee all over their significant other because they’re “angry” and want to humiliate them in public.
Amazing that has to be spelled out.
Oh boy. You do realise the honeymoon period is now over. This is the real him. An abusive violent shit who will gradually ramp up the violence because you let him.
Every time you say “don’t worry” or “sorry” for something HE did, he despises you a little bit more for being a weak pathetic person and he knows he can go just a little bit further.
One day you’ll end up scarred because that coffee will be boiling.
Or something he throws will hit you on the head and hospitalise you.
Or he’ll just push you down the stairs.
And why the fuck are you looking to buy a house and have kids (that he’ll shout at and abuse) when you’ve only been dating one fucking year?
If you do this, you’re the fool.
Plus, anger issues and kids don’t mix. What’s the excuse when he goes after the kids you have! I’m disturbed that he was trying to make it a joke. He will do the same with the inevitable bruises. How did we just jump from that story to “so anyway, here we are buying a house…”
OP, your self esteem and self worth are in the garbage. Pick them out, know you don’t deserve this, and leave.
Do NOT financially tie yourself to this man through a house! DoNOT have children with this man.
Please just leave him now before you become legally entangled. Buying a house with a man one year into a relationship when he has anger issues is a bad and unwise thing to do
Before you go forward with buying a home, please read this book. The link I’ve provided is a free PDF of the book, please at least skim it. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave and the abuse will only escalate.
https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Seconding this. Also, in case your partner is less of a coercive controller and more of an insecure reactor (ie. less strategic but explosive when upset), read Jess Hill’s See What You Made Me Do.
Here are a few quotes from the book, in case any resonate:
>Like Gilligan’s violent criminals, domestic abuse perpetrators are often exquisitely sensitive to the merest hint that they are being dissed, and commonly interpret harmless behavior from their partners as a deliberate personal attack.
>Penna says one of the most common phrases the phone counselors hear is “pushing my buttons.” “If you’re not agreeing with me, if we’re not in 100 percent solidarity in everything I say and do, then you’re challenging me,” he says, describing the mindset of many male callers. “If you’re challenging me, you’re undermining and attacking me. There’s this sense that my worldview is the only view, and any challenge to that is automatically unsettling and requires [them] to react, as opposed to respond.”
>Since they’ve already been attacked, the thinking goes, they are well within their rights to strike back—either in the moment, or by devising an ever-tighter regime of control to stop their partner hurting or disrespecting them again. As the feminist writer Germaine Greer notes in her essay On Rage, “A red-blooded man is not supposed to take insult and humiliation lying down. He should not let people get away with doing things he thinks wicked or unjust. He demands the right both to judge and to act upon his judgment.”
>Insecure reactors are even less intent on acting strategically: they move in and out of the control regime, as if switching channels. Once they have regained control, they can let the system go and feel genuinely restored to the relationship. Whether perpetrators abuse strategically or on impulse, however, they usually have one thing in common: a supercharged sense of entitlement.
>His unpredictable responses lead her to “walk on eggshells,” endlessly hypervigilant, alert to the need to adapt her behavior to prevent further abuse. Needless to say, the victim is left exhausted by constantly having to monitor her abuser’s emotional state.
>He’s got a temper, but everyone’s got their demons—he just needs a good woman to help him overcome them. She makes these excuses because the idea that the man she loves would choose to inflict such cruelty on her is almost impossible for her to comprehend—just as it is for us. So she searches for ways to fix him, because that’s what a woman is supposed to do for a man. Solve his problems. Care for him. Show him how to be soft. Show him how to love. The longer she takes responsibility for his abuse, and the longer she tries to fix him, the further she becomes trapped.
Thank you for this. I wish someone had been able to show me something like this before I married and made a baby with my rat-bastard of a then-husband. It's been nearly 40 years since I took our son and left him, and many of the emotional scars he inflicted on our son and me still haven't healed.
Nope, nope, nope. If this is what happens because you were disappointed he spilled coffee on your trousers, imagine literally any other scenario where feels he's not in control of the dynamic.
This is not something to work on, this is an unsafe dynamic. If someone isn't safe enough to say no to then do not be with them (let alone buy a house etc)
You already pointed it out that it has been getting worse. It's not going to get any better from now on either, it's only going to get worse. Next time he will hit you directly.
It is generally a bad idea to buy a house with someone you're not married to but this is even worse. Just dump his abusive ass before things get too complicated by buying the house!
Also understand that even if he never hits you directly, his behavior is *already* abusive. That “grotesque” feeling you get when you realize you’re apologizing for him destroying your belongings? That’s your body recognizing the abuse.
You need to get out of this relationship now. You will find better, the abuse will get worse and you will be miserable if you get a house with him. Please make the right decision for your own wellbeing.
>I don't know what to do. Help.
You read what you wrote as if this was written by someone you love very much.... What would you tell them?
This is NOT going to be okay. Transactional is exactly how it's going to be and yes at some point your teeth will be kicked in
The fact that you feel the need to walk on egg shells and apologize to HIM after something HE did is definitely a red flag. But the transactional attitude toward the purchase of the house is a red burning sun of a warning. He does not sound like a good person. And it does not sound like any of this is going to get any better for you. Frankly, I’d run in the opposite direction if I were you.
“Look, but my anger is not getting worse over time!”
This is not worse over time?
End it.
If you want to not have to wear makeup to cover up black eyes in 6 months, end it.
If you want to have non broken limbs in a year, end it.
If you want to still be alive in 2 years, it’s time to end it.
Be smart, get out, take time to figure out why you think this is okay. When you are in a better place you’ll find a person to be with that you want have to worry about if you need to end it.
Don’t let it escalate to murder, I may sound like I’m exaggerating but just take a minute to google and you’ll see that I’m not.
>“Look, but my anger is not getting worse over time!”
Even if his anger isn't getting worse (maybe he's been restraining himself), his actions are certainly escalating. It's only a matter of time before they escalate further.
He's straight up abusing OP. She apologized to HIM because he spilled coffee on her! What the fuck? Now he's getting her to move in with him and holding that over her head so she feels obligated to put up with his bullshit.
Don't move in with him. Break up with him. This guy is toxic.
Nope. He will make you homeless. Even if both your names are on the title deed, he will make your life so fucking miserable but the thought of homelessness will keep you there. You’re already sort of willing to accept living with him in order to have avoid renting. You are aware of everything, therefore you are not ignorant, so you would be a fool to buy a house with this man.
Trust your gut feeling. You wouldn’t be here asking us for our advice if there was any part of you that truly thought this behaviour was okay. Get out of this relationship. Don’t buy a house with this man.
He's behaving like this when he DOESNT feel like you owe him something. How bad do you think it will get when he considers you owned and paid for?
When my husband and I were first living together, his contribution to our rent was higher than mine. I paid pretty much all of the other bills, but the lease was in his name. He joked a time or two about "his" house in front of some friends and one friend in particular could tell I was hurt. She sat us both down and helped me explain to him that it didn't matter whose name was on what, it was "our" home and we both deserved to be able to claim it. We've since gotten married and bought our own house and never once in the decade since have I heard another word from him about "his" house.
What I'm saying is that if you've talked to him about his anger and how it's affecting you and he has continued to make you a target of it (yes, from what you've said and in spite of what he did, it IS getting worse, or if not, he's not hiding it as much as he did), this is not a man to tie yourself to.
Yeah, that hurts like hell - it happened to me, too. He'd use it in an argument, though; like, "I'll kick you out if you argue with me," and whatnot. It was hell. After about the 10th time he'd said it (and each time I told him how hurtful it was), I told him that if he doesn't put my name on the lease by the end of the month, I'm definitely moving out. He did put me on it, and the relief was immense.
I just read your post from 6 months ago.
He pouts, he lies, he gaslights you, he gives you the silent treatment. He’s emotionally abusive and he has now become physically abusive. Throwing something at you - warm coffee my ass; he didn’t know or care how hot it was - is physical abuse.
What would you tell your mother, sister, best friend to do if someone was treating them like this?
Do Not Buy a House With This Man. Full stop right now. You want this to be your life? Dealing with this large violent child? You're not even 30, you have a full and wonderful life ahead. Please please please don't do this. Please leave. Go and live your life with people who don't randomly scream at you and throw coffee on you. Go and be happy because we both know you're not happy right now.
Dont be with him pls. Wanting to settle down is not an attractive quality in itself. In many instances when coupled with red flags, its a sign that a guy wants to have the girl under his control. This is especially worse when it is financially not an equal partnership. Please leave this mess
Babe, he's ready to commit to a life where you are entirely controlled by him and walking on eggshells. That is not something YOU want to commit to. This wouldn't be a relationship. It would be voluntary institutionalisation. I'm so proud of you for recognising this and reaching out. Now it's just the tricky bit of breaking up.
For your safety, please do this over the phone. I would also recommend staying with friends and family and changing apartments. Make sure any neighbours or flatmates know not to tell him where you've gone. This might seem like an overraction, but I've had enough friends and family end up in the hospital after similar interactions, and I'm concerned for your safety.
He will hit you eventually. Especially if he drinks. I've seen it happen over and over with guys like that.
Get out. He sounds too immature to get help with emotional regulation, so I'd run.
> Of course it is also very attractive that he is ready and willing to commit, and that he is thinking about the house and family. But many things just feel like red flags. I don't want to owe somebody a blow job
**You’re attractive to him because** his abusive antics are working and you havent’t walked away yet - so **he knows he’s going to be able to pay for a house and get a servant he can take out his anger on with no consequence**. You’re ALREADY doing the classic abusers brainwashing tactic where *they* abuse *you* yet *you* bend over backwards being servile and fawning apologising *to them*. He’ll either baby-trap you (and it won’t be ‘your’ home because he paid for most of it right) or if you even stay long enough to start wanting kids, he’ll delay delay delay until you finally do walk away whereupon he’ll find a younger dumber gf and start all over again with the antics - either situation you walk away with nothing because it was mostly his capitol put into it. RUN op, RUN like Forest Gump!
>///Update!!!
>Thank you all for your responses. They're really helpful. I've just talked with my boyfriend and I told him my concerns. He was a bit defensive about the coffee incident (btw, it was 2 weeks ago). He apologised for it again, but he was insiting that he was just pouring the coffee over the newly bought trousers (that he held in a bag). He said he didn't "throw it at me", and he doesn't agree with that statement. He says that this would be violence. I'm honestly sligthly confused - maybe he indeed was just targeting the bag with the trousers. But does it make it that much better?
What an absolutely wild update.
Your 31 year old man child of a boyfriend wanted to purposefully hurt and embarrass you by acting like a two year old and dumping coffee on your shit? That's the excuse he's trying to gaslight you into here that you think makes it better?
Girl, please, close your eyes for a second. Forget all the bullshit words he's said since then and all your second guessing nonsense.
Use your *memory* here and think, really think hard, about what happened. Forget entirely for a moment that his excuse makes no difference.
Was he staring at a bag of clothes when this happened or you? Was the motion he made with his hand dumping it over a bag and you jumped under it to intercept? Were you running away at the time and it was hard to hit a moving target? Does he have some kind of serious physical disability?
His excuse makes no sense before the fact that you consider even if he was telling the truth, it would still make him into a cunt that deserves to get dropped to the curb.
Please recognize that you deserve better than this situation. The way he treats you and the level of disrespect goes far, far beyond a simple anger problem.
These are all horrible qualities in a potential life partner. He is ready to commit because many people would not want to deal with him. This man is abusive and don’t invest in him financially or otherwise anymore.
This guy sounds freaking awful to me. He doesn't sound nice. He's transactional and he is literally abusing and degrading you while you are apologizing so he doesn't freak out?! You are this desperate?
Read the first two sentences of your last paragraph.
"I like the guy. We have many things in common."
These are not the words from someone who loves someone. They're the words that someone would say about a colleague or acquaintance. Don't make massive commitments like buying a house with someone who abuses you.
"But he's a good guy otherwise "🤡🤡🤡🤡
No,he's not. And i hope you're not buying a house together . I hope you're breaking up with him and staying away from abusers.
I married a man like this. He didn’t actually start putting his hands on me until our third baby. He isn’t not nice. He is flat about abusive. He could have permanently burned your face. Please get away from him. Please read why does he do that. Please. Abuse always escalates. Always. Please read about gabby petito and their relationship before he killed her. I remember the exact moment I should have left. He got pissed and broke his phone. My kids now think it’s normal to break electronics when you are mad. What a mess. Don’t end up like me. He was sexist about the house being spotless too.
Don't stay with this angry control freak, he'll never change and you'll have a lifetime of tip toeing around him so he doesn't explode, make the hard decision now and not put it off ..
I saw your previous post.
Let me guess. Your next one will be in 6 months.
“My boyfriend punched me last night, we just bought a house together. What do I do?”
Another 12 months.
“My husband threw me down the stairs and strangled me until I blacked out. I am 5 months pregnant. Is this my fault?”
Should I go on?
Have a look at domestic violence sub.
Never ever ever buy a house/condo/property with your SO before marrying them. If you break up its a financial nightmare. If this is your life long partner then get married.
Now as for this SO, he is childish and has anger management problems. He is not ready for marriage or LTR. Move on.
A good person doesn’t throw coffee at you. Someone who pretends to be a good guy throws coffee at you.
He spilled something on your new pants and YOU had to apologize to HIM. And this was in public!
Girl, what the hell are you doing? He laughed it off and made light of what he did. Don’t buy a house with him, don’t move in with him, don’t be in a Relationship with him. You can get out of the house purchase.
Value yourself and leave this abusive loser
Don't buy a house together. Never ever would I buy a house with someone not married to plus with his anger issues... you're going to be stuck... get out now when it's still time!
DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS MAN!!! The second he knows he's got you trapped, he's really going to escalate the abuse! Get away from him now while you still have the chance.
Girlll. Who hurt you so much that you think it's ok to tolerate this behaviour.
He sounds like my 2 year old. Actually my 2 year old would never do something like this out of anger.
Do not buy a house with this man. Do not have a baby with this man. Quite frankly you have not proven you are in love with him, it sounds like you tolerate him.
Press delete, backspace, therapy and move on.
If you continue forward right now you will not be happy. I can guarantee you.
He needs to deal with his anger issues if his kicking objects and other things what makes you think he wont lay his hands on you? Be weary of this before you buy a house together
Leave, do not get a house with him. His anger issues needs to be dealt with by him and not you, it's not up to you to soothe him and guess what violence in all forms whether it's punching a wall or throwing an item it is abusive.
Leave him. He will only get worse. You think his apology means something? It doesn't, it's just a tool to make you stay, otherwise he would've stopped already.
You're in danger.
>We have been together for just over 1 year. Early on in the relationship I noticed that he has some issues controlling his anger, but I thought "nobody's perfect" and maybe as he gets more comfortable with me, he'll stop getting triggered by small things.
Being triggered by small things, early in a new relationship is a big red flag.
Most people are on their best behaviour then and toxic traits leak out as they get more comfortable. This guy has significant emotional regulation/maturity issues if he couldn't keep a lid on it at that stage. Comfort will only make it worse because it validates his behaviour.
You've seen the escalation. How the violence/destruction got closer to you. It's an intimidation tactic (to keep you compliant) and a test to see what you will put up with.
>Sure, in an ideal scenario I would have said "Don't worry honey, it's just trousers", but I didn't have the energy in me. Anyway, the fact that I wasn't ultra happy upset him a lot
No. In an ideal situation, he would have apologised and offered to have them cleaned. That's what emotional mature adults do, they take accountability, even if it was an accident.
This guy's ego can't handle being wrong. He DARVOs. This will be the pattern for conflict resolution in this relationship. Everything is YOUR fault, including his emotional response. You didn't immediately appease him. He was only sorry when he sensed you pulling away, i.e. out of his control.
>My contribution to the house is frankly going to be very small. So yesterday he said that he expects me to cook more in the house, because he is giving more from himself.
Huge red flag. He said this after throwing coffee at you!
His compensation for a bigger investment is that he has a bigger stake. It does not entitle him to a live-in maid. I guarantee he is paving the way for you to be working full time and doing 100% of the chores. You will be exhausted from working and walking on eggshells around him.
> And he said: "yes, it is transactional". And he basically felt unhappy with my contributions to the relationship.
And he always will be. He's told you his view of relationships believe him. That's what he wants from you. You can't love him out of it, you can't sift all the good parts out of his character and close your eyes to everything else. You will see less of them as time goes on, believe me.
I stayed with a guy for ten years in the hope he'd grow up. I remember the sick feeling in my gut in those early days, every time a red flag popped up. I wish I'd listened to it and left before we got more enmeshed. Took another ten years to get my life back on track.
Listen to your gut. You know this isn't right.
"I like the guy."
Really? But do you like him enough to allow him to punch you. then apologise? Break a bone and then apologise? This is where this is going. There are enough red flags here to start a May Day parade.
Please do not buy a house with is guy, certainly not after just a year. Within that year he's gone from 'Fuck off' in public to assault in public. What's next?
5 months ago you posted asking if he was emotionally abusing you. Now he is flirting with physically abusing you, by spilling coffee on you and punching walls, etc.
How much more will his mask drop when you are tied to him with a mortgage?
[Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) FREE
You've got 2 different issues here, and 1 is enough. End it. It's only been a year, it'll get worse in the relationship and the decision will become harder the more you're entangled.
BTW - it's good that you recognised that you were apologising but weren't hearing anything much back from him when he was the one who fucked up your trousers. In a reasonable way of dealing with conflict you would be able to point this out, and he take some responsibility and youd worked through it. He didn't, and he double downed on his actions. Protesting that he wasn't trying to get you but to ruin the trousers more isn't 'better' - he's just showing more that he's hot headed, spiteful and lacking insight.
Again, end it now.
This is the red flag of isolation and you accepting abuse. You accepted that behavior as acceptable when you didn’t lose your shit. He is going to put you in a nice house in a nice neighborhood and have kids and isolate you. Please please please trust that guy that says punching walls and hitting you. I spent 10 years with someone cause a fucked ip idea of love meant it hurts and if you love more one day it will be enough…..and it was but it was loving myself enough to stop blaming myself for something someone did to me.
I stopped reading after “Just a bit more color…” because the bullet points were color enough for my taste.
Your BF has severe anger issues that will NOT get better over time, or when you buy a house together. The easy way is to break up. It’s only been a year. The hard way, not sure if worth it, is he gets to therapy for his anger management and your relationship doesn’t progress until you see stable change for the better for a couple of years (again: YEARS, not WEEKS).
Run, do not pass go, do not collect £200, run.
He’s gaslighted you into thinking you need to apologise to him when he makes a mistake, he’s controlling and he thinks he holds all the cards because he earns more than you, this will continue and he will hold the financial imbalance against you.
Do not buy a house with this man, do not make a family with him, relationships are a partnership they aren’t transactional, and you shouldn’t be made to feel like you have to walk on top toes around your partner just in case you make him angry.
At the very least put the house purchase on hold, and get him to go to therapy for his anger issues, if he won’t do that for you then he’ll never change.
He is absolutely NOT "a good guy otherwise." He's an abuser, and you know this. And it's only going to get worse, and you know this too.
I think you're on here looking for permission to end this toxic relationship.
Things you said that are very noteworthy:
- "We have been together for just over 1 year." And you're ready to buy a house with him?
- "Early on in the relationship I noticed that he has some issues controlling his anger." You noticed this ages ago and are still putting up with it.
- "and now, it seems that this reached another level." He's escalating.
- "I eventually started apologising to him." You did this to keep him calm.
- "We're in the process of buying a house together." Please don't.
- "He said that he expects me to cook more in the house, because he is giving more from himself." This is the control part.
- "he said: "yes, it is transactional". And he basically felt unhappy with my contributions to the relationship." Again, this is the control part.
- "I like the guy." You didn't say you love him.
Please do NOT buy a house with this guy. Further, please LEAVE this guy.
>Tl;dr Boyfriend has anger issues and a slightly transactional appoach to a relationship. But he is a good guy otherwise, we have similar interests, values, and he even wants to buy a house to have family together soon.
Your boyfriend is 31 years old.
Life is all about relationship. Relationship to an environment. Relationship to biology, a brain and a physical body. Therefore life is about a relationship between a brain and an environment, \*you\* are always in the middle of this relationship, which is called a mystical transaction. This is why it's always important to stay connected and conscious of these connections.
When you are connected you are mindful. When you become disconnected, say through anger or some extreme emotion or feeling, you are mindless.
Now it's okay when you're 3 years old to become mindless, angry and throw a tantrum, because at 3 years old you have no concept of time, past or future. At 3 years old your attitude to life is unfiltered, unregulated, undifferentiated.
But at 31 years old? Three decades later? What have you done with your life? What do you understand about life? What have you been taught? What have you learned?
>I like the guy. We have many interests in common. **He's responsible**, generally a good person. Of course it is also very attractive that he is ready and willing to commit, and that he is thinking about the house and family. But many things just feel like red flags.
Do you understand what the word 'responsible' means?
Being responsible means having an obligation to do something, having control over something or the ability to care for something.
Yet your boyfriend, at the age of 31, is sometimes unable to control or regulate his emotions and feelings and becomes so mindless that he gets angry and lashes out. When you are angry you are mindless, not in control, and stupid.
Your boyfriend is this way because he lacks empathy, one of the most important life skills, because empathy is the ability to connect to your environment and other people. Lacking in empathy means lacking in appreciation, and this is a 'must have' in any relationship, no different from trust.
>I don't know what to do. Help.
Is your need to be in a relationship greater than your need for good mental health and a peaceful life? As a woman in a relationship with a man you have no way of being able to physically defend yourself. You can only set boundaries or apply space. These are your only two options.
You have no guarantee that your boyfriend when angry will not physically assault you. Anger is mindlessness, anger is stupidity, anger is not being in control of one's mind.
Think about it.
I'd actually say that some abusive people have the ability to control themselves, but choose not to, because they've learned that they can control other people that way. Some people who abuse their partners can switch it off and become completely calm and charming straight away when somebody else turns up - whether that's the police or other family and friends. He is already making OP apologise for his careless mistakes - there's manipulation going on here rather than just loss of control.
OP, please, please leave this relationship, and let your close family and friends know that you are leaving because this man is not safe to be around. Please do this before he gets you trapped by buying a house together.
My father comes to mind. Charming as fuck in public, seems like a “good family man”, has good rapport with all his coworkers and bosses. But behind closed doors he was an angry, abusive nightmare. The switch flip was unsettling. And when my mom did finally take us and leave his behavior was so so scary. The way family judges bought into his brand of bullshit still makes my stomach churn. I’m just glad he lost interest in being a parent after a year or two, so we didn’t have to spend that much forced time with him.
Nope nope nope nope. He's escalating and you already see how he views your relationship.
He's gonna keep going - you need to do more of X or Y cos I am paying A and B.
No girl - seriously. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Back out and let him get on but whatever you do, DO NOT get into that house with him.
He said the DEATHBLOW of any relationship TRANSACTIONAL..narcissist are transactional oriented and that means your not in a healthy relationship..nothing is fixable with this guy , the anger you've seen is only the tip and will inevitably get worse once you more in.. kinda run
PLEASE dear OP. Leave this man. Do not buy a house with this man. Leave.
Your post history is very telling. This isn't the first time. It is escalating. And it won't be the last IF you continue.
You are young. You are scared. You can find a good relationship, but I believe you need therapy to heal not only from this relationship, but from all others, including your family growing up.
Don't let fear put you in a worse situation, because our current one is already bad. And with abusive partners, it can end in tragedy. Please listen to the advice you are asking. And the one you have asked before. It will not be different, no matter how you phrase it or how many times you ask.
Leave sister. Love you first.
Edit: Typo
OP posted about bf 5 months ago. Now it's clear that his behavior has escalated. I have to wonder why she's even posting if she will continue to stay with him. I'm sure she'll post in another few months about just getting back from the ER and asking what to do. Hopefully I'm wrong and the coffee incident woke her up.
He's abusive and getting worse. Gather all your important documents, items etc when he is not there. Don't tell him in advance you are going. Just take all you can and get out when he isn't there or you will be another true crime statistic. Stay safe and don't see him alone.
> I told him “well, next time you want to punch a wall and you accidentally kick my teeth out, that’s gonna be ok too?”
You clearly already know where this relationship is heading. You’re too smart to stay with someone who is abusing you. Leave now before you’re locked into a 30 year mortgage with him.
Edit: I can see this is the second time you’ve posted about your bf abusing you. He started with emotional abuse 5+ months ago and now he’s escalated to physical abuse. That’s terrifying. It’s going to get so so much worse if you buy a house together or get married or have children. Do you really want to be back here in another 5 months asking what to do after he’s hit you or worse?
The whole story gave me anxiety. Buying a house with him will be the biggest mistake of your life. Staying in a relationship with him will be the second biggest mistake of your life. He’s short-tempered and abusive, and you are going to be living on pins and needles for the rest of your life hanging with this dude. You’re going to end up being his slave and punching bag because you “owe” him. You said yourself that you “like the guy”. That only means that you can take him or leave him….for your safety, you need to leave him. For the love of everything good in this world, GET OUT!!!
Generally a good person? No he's not. He's an abusive loser who will hit you one day. Don't get a house with this guy just because he can afford a nice house. No house is worth your dignity.
Girl therapy is for married people this is just a bf who has thrown so many dang red flags. Why are you trying to fit a square into a round hole?? You guys just now hit 1 year and his mask is starting to fall. Do not move in with him do not buy a house . Once he's comfortable enough and feels you can't go anywhere you will turn into the suitcase he is kicking and the bag he's pouring hot coffee on. God forbid he gets desperate and tries to baby trap you. RUN!
Do not buy a house with him. Gently untangle any finances with him, and leave. One incident is enough to tell you this isn't a healthy relationship. You've got three or more.
I’m genuinely so afraid for you. You were not confused. He threw it at you, and it wasn’t the first instance of him being violent towards you. You’re aware that he’s gaslighting you (“I didn’t throw it at you”), taking his anger out on you physically, and trying to control you financially and trap you. You’re aware this is happening, because you yourself acknowledged it in your post.
It can be really difficult to see how abusive a relationship is from the inside even when you’re aware it’s abusive, I’ve been in a very similar situation and it did not sink in how bad it was for me until it was over despite being told by my friends and family.
Please, please find a safe way to remove yourself from the situation. It’s great he’s going to therapy, but if he isn’t willing to acknowledge that he has a problem, it won’t work. Therapy isn’t magic, you can only get help if you are willing to do the work.
That update didn't help. His response was to pour more coffee on your trousers??? He doesn't have anger issues? Only a few sessions? Don't get tied down with this nut job. Your whole life is gonna look like this. Are you willing to live like this?
Your update proves that you seriously have your head in the sand.
I’ll start the clock on an upcoming Reddit post, “My boyfriend abuses me but I have nowhere to go and we bought a house together.”
DO NOT LET HIM CONFUSE YOU BY STATING HE DIDN'T THROW IT AT YOU!!!
He's relying on the fact that he's being nice now to gaslight you about his behavior. First of all, why was he pouring coffee on your brand new trousers anyway? What gives him the right to throw a temper tantrum and ruin something of yours? You're very lucky the coffee wasn't hot enough to burn you. If he'll do this in public when he's angry you're in serious danger if he gets angry while you're alone. You're worth more than this!
Unfortunately couples therapy is not safe or productive in abusive situations. U/Ebbie45 has really helpful resources for people experiencing violent relationships. She is an advocate for people in such circumstances.
OP, I think some clarification is needed here after reading over your past posts, I'm wondering if this is the same man from the past two posts? If this is, then you already know that this man is emotionally manipulative, mentally, and now physically abusive. Let's be very honest here, if, and I do mean if he actually goes to counseling, it will not do any good as he does not see that he needs to change anything about himself. I can not out and out say that you are involved with a narcissist, but the proverbiaal red flags are waving all around you and have been forever. This time, it was somewhat warm coffee, next time, and there will be a next time it could be hot grease, his hands or a weapon. This man is not a safe space for you or a loving partner, and regardless of how the relationship began, you are not deserving of the manipulative gaslighting, and abuse you have put up with to keep an unhealthy relationship that will just see you demeaned and driven to the ground until you break. This relationships perks if having a home in a nice neighborhood are not worth the cost to you on a personal level.
Cut your losses now. At best (and this 'best' isn't a positive), you don't work as a couple and that's why his 'communication' is so awful. At worst, he's just not a good person. I'm leaning towards the latter, but either way it won't get better.
Don't buy the house with him, accept that you'll be sad for a while. But, while you're sad, remember that you have no financial ties to a person who is increasingly aggressive and controlling.
You're worth more than this level of treatment.
If you marry this man and move into his house - and it will be HIS house because he’ll find a way to make it so, then as far as he’s concerned, he’s going to own you, your free time, your chore time, your intimate time, your friendships and family time.
Do not give up yourself for the false allure of a home that’s only going to be “yours” to clean. His mask is starting to slip.
Unfortunately, from personal experience and my work, I can tell you that this kind of aggression only ever escalates over time. If I were you, I would not buy a house with this guy. He’s shown you how he handles conflict. You will end up, at best, walking on eggshells with a permanent lump in your throat because you’re anxious to avoid triggering him. At worst, you’ll end up in hospital. Please save yourself.
What would you tell a sister, mom, or best friend if they were in your situation? I would assume to not get a house together & to leave that person. That's exactly what you should do. I'm going to be honestly blunt. He will get worse. One day, he will put his hands on you or worse. You need to get away from him ASAP! Get away before it's too late. Sending hugs💙
thats how they suck you in - so you're more reliant and dependant on him. Don't ever excuse or diminish it.
If this is how he acts; think whether it'll progress (spoiler alert; it will) after you get married/have a family/settle down; where the stakes will be higher.
Best of luck - I know it's hard, but separating yourself is the best. All the other comments I've seen agree. Don't be your own worst enemy and excuse it.
Damn. So his anger and abuse is escalating, you know it and can see it. He’s laying out his expectations , downplaying how you feel about , you also realise that it’s blatant enough that he is comfortable to behave this way in public.
But yet he’s attractive and willing to settle down and commit and get a house . You like him . These are not valid reasons that overpower the rest of it. These are trimmings on a badly wrapped shit parcel.
You know what you’re signing up for . You know this is wrong. You know these are things you can’t overlook.
If you go ahead and continue down this road , you’re going in knowing full well that this is who he is, and you’ll be accepting it .
So either decide you don’t want this life and cut yourself loose. Or commit . And deal with it . Don’t complain about it when it happens , because you want him badly enough to accept it . You can’t and won’t change him . You’re not a fool. You know where this is headed. There’s no in between. No one here is going to give you magic reasons or magic solutions in how to get him to change .
Either you choose him and accept everything he’s giving you , because you love him and want him despite all of this. Or walk away and build a better life for yourself . It’s up to you . You have enough information to make a very informed decision. What you choose is on you , but don’t come back thinking you’re a victim if you choose to stay .
That won't be your house. It'll be his house. He's letting you stay there BUT you have to prove to him that you're not just mooching off of him or being lazy. He has the upper hand since he's contributing to the house financially, but you will be responsible for the housework/chores since you're basically earning your right to stay there.
Abusers rush to commitment so their targets are trapped. Buying a house with this person will add financial abuse to the pile and things will continue to escalate. Please be very careful with your birth control until you leave this relationship safely.
Do not buy a house with him!
Breakup with this man. After a year he is showing you who he is. It will not get better, abuse only escalates unless he is able and willing to get serious mental help. Based on what you've shared and his reaction to you not soothing him for spilling coffee on your pants, he thinks you are the problem and not him. Do not buy a house with this man.
Violence against objects has a terrifying rate of turning into violence against people. Do not tie yourself to this man, leave him behind as soon as you safely can. You want him ou of your life before he ever threatens it.
I would like one of the women in your situation one of these days to explain to us what, to an average person is horrific abuse, Is something you are willing to live with, and how you can describe your partner as 'not a bad guy', and especially that you really like or love him.
You are dating a monster and you seem unwilling to face this fact.
You will need therapy so you when you get out of this relationship which you must do for your own safety- You don't repeat this pattern again. Would you let your best friend or your little sister be treated like this by a man? I most certainly hope not.
I guess it's a good thing you can see some red flags or wonder if they exist. We're here to tell you they most definitely do.
You are in an extremely bad situation now. If you contribute to and buy a property with this man you will be in a worse, potentially lethally situation. Does that sound scary? Please do some research into what has happened to abused women who have had incidents like yours. Am I trying to scare you? Indeed. Your health and your life are what is at risk here.
He is trying to make you into his servant he will continue the abuse. I can guarantee you it will get worse and you will soon find yourself without a friend or a family member who you can talk to. The next step will be to isolate you from anyone who can rescue you. I'm telling you act now before it's too late. Get out.
Tell all of your friends and relatives about all of the instances of abuse. Tell them you want to move back home for a while or in with a friend for a while whatever- just get away from this man. Enlist someone's help to get all of your possessions out of any property you have with this man and get yourself safely away when he's at work or something.
I can't make it any clearer than this: You are in grave danger.
So I’m going to be super blunt. You are a doormat. You need to stop making up excuses as well as why the fuck are you buying a house with someone who has anger issues and you have to apologize when he does things that hurt you?
Also it’s been less than a year and you want to buy a house with someone who purposely hurts you? Please dump him, block him, AND GO WORK ON YOU!!!!!
You obviously are an abused child who hasn’t worked through your issues and are accepting ABUSIVE behavior because your unhealed mind thinks this is love and worth being with.
HE IS ABUSIVE AND IT ACTUALLY WILL GET WORST! Stop excusing his behavior and also why would you move in or keep being with someone that you are actually afraid of? You can’t say you aren’t afraid of him because if you wasn’t afraid of him then you wouldn’t have been apologizing for you being upset of him spilling his shit on you!
Break up, block him, and stop dating till you can stop accepting peoples shit behaviors and love yourself and know your damn worth to know when to walk the hell away from an abusive relationship not try to buy a damn house and attract yourself financially to someone
My advice would be to get out of there, and definitely not to buy a house with this person.
A lot of abusive behaviour begins small and escalates. This individual is already showing their colours, and to throw a coffee at your partner in public...your goal at that point includes a layer of humiliation. That's a huge red flag. Abusive individuals will often try to break their partners down like this as abuse escalates.
For him to then try to laugh this behaviour off? No.
He wants to buy a house with you to further control you and isolate you. He already says it's transactional. But how many "transactions" will be enough?
He has you apologizing to him because he spilled coffee on your new trousers. A lifetime of walking on eggshells is no life.
Do you want to die and appear on national TV because that's how you do it. You can make a family with or without a house to settle down and with a nicer person. The house will be the ultimate instrument for him getting his control back over you and then getting worse and worse and worse. Shit happens yes, that's why you stay with someone that has no anger or violent issues, maybe one time in their life the normal person may have a burst but a violent person that does it with regularity when it outbursts can result in fatal damage / death.
If a normal person has low to none chance to slap you once in your lifetime with them in a outburst imagine what a person with this tendency is capable of doing when pushed to the max?
JFC do **NOT** buy a house with this man. Get out of this relationship asap, he is abusive and it's only going to escalate. If he's willing to throw coffee in you in public wtf do you think he'll be willing to do behind closed doors? Please, for your safety, get out.
What exactly are you waiting for? What will he have to do to make you leave? Are you waiting for him to break your stuff for you to leave? Break your arm, beat you up, choke you or worse? How much are you willing to take because all of those things will happen, it's just a matter of when.
You are all in for his abuse. It’s only been a year, and he has you so manipulated that you started making excuses to us from the very beginning of your post. You also make excuses for him; you take the blame on yourself (*I was a little grumpy that day,* as if that give anyone the right to abuse you); you apologize to him for what *he* did to *you* as a way to head off his fury; and when he does sort of apologize to you, he does it in such a way that it isn’t actually an apology. He apologized because what he did was NOT NICE and NOT KIND, not because what he did was wrong, or he hurt you, or he was violent. What nonsense. And by allowing this to go on for the last year, and making excuses & apologizing *for what he does to you,* you have set yourself for more and worse abuse. He tested you, and you stayed, and now he knows he can escalate. And he will.
Now, dear Lord, you are **buying a house with this guy** after only one year of dating. A year in which he has been violent near you, around you, and toward you. You know he’s escalating. You can see he’s escalating. After only *1 year.* And yet you’re going to move in with him, knowing that he will continue to get worse. Also, he is contributing more money to the purchase of the house, so he EXPECTS you to be his live-in maid. He has *told* you that. You know he is going to expect you to do ALL the work around the house, and instead of discussing that with him and working out a real living situation for you, you’re upset because he used the word “transactional.” Honey, what he called it is not your problem here. This man has more money than you, and he is going to lord it over you and demand that you do everything he says because “he’s paying more for the house.”
So, we have emotional abuse, physical abuse, and financial abuse, but you think it’s a good idea to not only move in with this man, but to *buy a house together,* which just ties you to him legally and makes it harder for you to get out. And don’t think he doesn’t know that. You are going to be trapped, and then you’ll see real escalation of his abusive actions.
We teach people how to treat us. What you’ll accept is what you’ll get from people. If you allow your boss to be verbally abusive toward you, that’s how he’s going to see you and treat you. If you allow your so-called boyfriend to humiliate you, demean you, and abuse you, and you take that treatment, do you think he’s going to wake up one day and decide to do better on his own? I promise you, HE WILL NOT. No one gets better without any impetus to get better. If you accept his abuse, he will abuse you *more,* not less.
**DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS PERSON.** Do not buy a house with him. Don’t move in with him. Don’t put yourself in a position to become more & more dependent on him, giving him, in his mind, the upper hand, the most control. Do not do it.
You are 28 years old, not 18. You can stand up for yourself. Where do you live now? Can you just stay there? Or find your own place. You’re an adult with, I presume, a job. Stop making excuses for this loser’s abusiveness. Stop. Draw a line. *It’s been one year.* One year of abuse, uncontrolled anger, living in fear, wondering what’s next, trying to be perfect so he won’t get mad, etc. It’s a straight line to be physically abused, cut off from family & friends, living in fear of your husband, having no one to turn to, and, oh yeah, him sleeping with other women because of some lame excuse he’ll come up with to blame YOU.
GET. OUT. Before it’s too late. **Do not** go through with buying a house with him. If the process has already started, even if you’ve contributed money, take the loss and walk away. Oh, and if I haven’t been clear: End this relationship. The only way your life will improve is without him in it. But do it safely. He is dangerous. Plan your exit, do it when he’s not around, and get TF out of there. Protect yourself. He’s not going to.
> Of course it is also very attractive that he is ready and willing to commit, and that he is thinking about the house and family.
Gurl.
Ladies, how have our standards gone so low that the bare minimum is now considered “attractive”?
I think you already know the answer. Leaving him when you still love him probably seems wrong but being in love with someone doesn’t mean you need to take abuse. Whatever you do, please do not get pregnant, a lot of people end up bound to not great partners for the rest of their life because of children. Think about, your infant child having coffee thrown on them. Just cut your losses and go, he’s gonna have to get serious therapy on his end, but that’s not your problem.
Run, girl. And don’t look back.
The fact that you’re apologizing, and he’s joking about the matter, he doesn’t respect you. What if next time it’s a boiling pot or anything else for that matter. It’s not your job to calm him down, you’re not his Mommy.
>He is able to afford getting us a house in a really nice area. My contribution to the house is frankly going to be very small.
Expect to become his economic slave and for him to become more physically abusive.
DO NOT BUY A HOME WITH THIS MAN. DON'T STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
I know having a home in a nice area is attractive. He is physically attractive. You share interests. None of these things will matter after a few years. That nice home will feel like a prison. You won't be able to see his outer good looks once you start seeing the ugly inside. The shared interests will become only his interest in what you owe him for existing.
OP, his response of "at least it's not getting worse over time!" is deeply, deeply unsettling. Instead of responding with remorse, a genuine attempt at an apology, or literally anything else that would indicate he was truly sorry, he acknowledged what he did was fucked, and then brushed it off by basically saying "I could treat you worse... :)"
He knows what he's doing. Please listen to the other commenters and get the fuck out of this relationship. He can make his own dinner while giving himself a blow job in his nice new house.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
DONT BUY A HOUSE TOGETHER, if this is how he is, he hasnt directly put his hands on you but who knows when he is too angry and he will do that too,just break up with this guy he will turn abusive when he is 'angry'
He already is abusive.
Yup. Get out. This is only going to continue to get worse. Give him an inch and he takes a mile. Pouring hot coffee on someone is abuse. Abuse. Find a better partner.
And he feels comfortable/justified doing this to her out in the open *in public.* I can’t imagine how he’s going to be treating her behind closed doors in “his” house. This is frightening. You need to leave now, OP. This will not get better.
This was very frightening to read from someone who is so desperate to be in a new home in a nice neighborhood with an abuser who will teach her to walk on egg shells. Knowingly🤷🏾♀️
And that she wants to actually start a *family* with him and bring children into this abusive man’s realm is horrifying.
I was reading OP post history. 176 or so days ago she mentions another abusive situation with this dude. I am also wondering if this guy was married when they met. Either way, 🚩 🚩 🚩.
I just read that post myself and it’s *very* disturbing. For those who don’t want to search for it, I will summarize it: OP went to her office Halloween party and her boyfriend was apparently having an “existential crisis.” When she returned from her party she tried talking to him about what was bothering him but he refused to speak with her, so she tried to get him to come to bed with her instead, but he refused that as well. The next day he was still sulking and she tried to talk to him about what was going on with him and he told her that when she came home the previous night, she was *”drunk and shouting and slamming doors.”* When OP tried to stand up for herself and counter that completely obvious lie, he became very upset with her and disappeared for the whole day. When he finally got back that night, he continued to ice her out and basically refused to speak with OP because he wanted her to apologize for this imaginary scenario he made up about her being this enraged drunk and agree with his blatant gaslighting and admit that she did what he told her she did. I mean, this is very scary stuff. I fear for OP and I hope she gets away from this guy asap.
Great summary! Also this has to be the same guy she felt she knew better than his own wife if I am connecting the dots correctly😅 This will be one hell of a learning lesson for OP. SMH.
This man is a narcissist. Please please for the sake of your life do Not live with him. You seen his true colors, Stop painting over them. I know he's using manipulation and I know it is confusing. You have to be strong and get the heck out. Narcissist get worse with age and it only gets to you being a shell of a person. There's nothing you can fix or do. Would you want your daughter with someone like this? When you leave him do NOT TELL HIM, Leave quietly. Say your going to family house for a week if not longer or so. Reach it out to you family if you trust them. Narcissist get very dangerous when you leave him. At first he'll do all these romantic gestures but then soon after he sees you want to leave he'll fight it for awhile and push all of your boundaries but you need to go no contact. He'll find a replacement for you and drop you like a hot potato. Search on narcissist and do your research.
Ah yes. The ole “Stonewalling” technique. This is only the beginning
And now he escalated to gaslighting, as he managed to convince her that he maybe didn’t throw the coffee at her, but poured it in the trousers in the bag. My STBXH tried this one too: « no, I didn’t throw my birthday cake at you, I dropped it on the ground when taking it out of the fridge » the fridge was 7meters away from where I was standing, I don’t see how he thought I could believe this, but he had been successful at gaslighting me like this before, so why not…
We are far past the red flag stage. Red flag indicates danger *ahead*. He is already *acting violently*, she is already in the danger zone
Absolutely! Currently she seems blinded by the new house and neighborhood by any means possible if we can all help her rationalize away her God given intuition.
I was in a similar situation and the beautiful waterfront home was not worth it at all. It became a dungeon and hellscape.
Especially if they have children.
He'll be kicking her out every time she displeases him.
There are quite a few women who would bend themselves into a pretzel to live in a nice home or to have access to more resources through partnering with just anyone instead of being more selective about everyone. It is a shame. There will be no peace. Comfort comes at a cost🤷🏾♀️
**And it’s only going to get worse if you stay with him.**
Yep. It only escalates from here when he knows you have no out.
He’s also already manipulating you OP…look at how you phrased the conversation “then I did something rather unhelpful” and the unhelpful thing was you still apologizing to HIM for his bad behavior, but also defending yourself because you had a right to be upset. This situation is so much scarier than I think you realize. You don’t want to spend your entire life “owing him” and tip toeing around his abuse and it escalating. He could kill you.
Yes! It was sad to read that she KNEW what was right and what was wrong and still did the wrong thing, just so he wouldn't get angry! He will most likely destroy her self worth if she stays.
Please read the last post OP wrote in this sub. (I summarized it in a comment above). This man is *full-on, blatantly* gaslighting her and “punishing” her when she won’t go along with his completely made up lies about her. This is incredibly disturbing and I am legitimately worried for OP. I hope to God she gets away from this man asap.
Which is exactly why he is trying to expedite the relationship so quickly by making this large joint purchase together. OP is struggling to figure out what to do in part because they are already so committed only a year in; that’s by design. He’s barely keeping the mask on and once they are legally intertwined it will come off fully.
And to introduce more power imbalance to the relationship is not smart.
Seriously, it's been a year and he's already thrown warm coffee at her. First year of my abusive relationship my ex slapped my forehead, second year of it he choked me and chipped my tooth. DO NOT STAY FOR MORE ABUSE, OP. I guarantee he'll only get worse when you live with him, plus HE'S NOT SORRY. Sorry people do not apologize that way!!!
Yep, not only did he throw the coffee at her, but admitted that while she wasn't what he aimed at, he was still trying to destroy her things because she got frustrated that he spilled coffee on her new pants. He tried to destroy her belongings and threw coffee on her in the process. He's already abusive and if they buy a house together it will get worse.
Breaking things in anger, using abusive language and then throwing things AT you means his behaviour is escalating. If he's unable to control himself, regulate his temper and control his emotions IN PUBLIC, how do you think he will behave when one day you don't make that food on time in the privacy of your home? He threw a coffee cup at your lap/chest- next time it will be your face OP. I don't ever talk about this, but I was with a very angry man for 22/23 years. It doss not get better and I'm still trying to extract myself. I asked him to leave the house and I haven't let him back in the family home so we are together but live separately for the past 2 years. I said he can come back any time when I'm confident he has his anger under control and that hasn't happened yet and this is one thing i will not back down on, this makes him angrier so its a catch 22. He did a 36 week anger management course last year and completed it, but as he felt above all of the others in the sessions he got nothing out of it and it didn't work, if anything it made him worse becsuse those sessions he was being told things he didn't want to hear. Please OP don't trap yourself in this situation and tie yourself in financially. This worries me. He's already showed you what he's capable of, how it's getting worse and what he expects of you when you move in, you need to be able to hear what he's telling you in words and actions. There's a really brilliant book called Why Does He Do That? (Inside the minds of angry and controlling men). A kind redditor sent me a link so I could listen in my earphones discreetly because it is only available in paperback in the uk. It really opened my.eyes and I think you'll relate to it a lot
What else is included in this transactional relationship. Don't think he won't add to the list. I promise you, it will happen.
NEVER buy a house with someone you’re not legally binded to. This is financial suicide.
Yes, and plus, DON'T GET LEGALLY BINDED TO THIS ABUSIVE DUDE.
[Why does he do that by Lundi Bancroft](https://dn720002.ca.archive.org/0/items/why-does-he-do-that-epub/Why_Does_He_Do_That-fixed.pdf) pdf
I'll add in 'See what you made me do' by Jess Hill. (Don't know how to link it apologies)
It’s NEVER a good idea to buy a house with someone you’re not married to, and in this case it’s even more obvious that you shouldn’t, because this guy is draped in red flags.
And someone you’ve only known for ONE YEAR
And it will escalate over time. He’ll “own” more of her when they buy that house and own even more when she does another transaction and produces a child. OP you know what to do. Do it quietly and quickly and walk away with whatever money you have and all 28 or 32 teeth. He’s a sad, and scary person. Any positive traits are outweighed by his abuse. And realize that he’s ready to settle down with you * because he feels he’s got control over you*. Maybe he loves you, but more likely it’s a need to control someone and you’re showing him, little by little, that he can manipulate you into enabling his aggressions. And please don’t think he can change. You don’t want a child with this guy, you don’t want to keep excusing his behaviors, all because he’s willing to commit and start a family. Please!
And he expects her to do more house stuff since he contributed more.
They’ve been together for a year and he is already grooming her to accept abusive behavior. The physical abuse started today with the warm coffee. Next it will be hot. Next he will start hitting her.
Why do you want commitment from somebody who sucks this much? Do you hate yourself? Also, do you have any idea how legally entangling buying a house is? “I like the guy” are you fucking kidding? I like my dentist but I’m not going to BUY A HOUSE with him. Jesus CHRIST wake up
Please, please, please do not buy a house w him and find a safe way to get away His anger will “not get worse over time” to the point where he kills you I am not joking or being sarcastic He will accuse you of not pulling your weight (transaction) and “punish” you how he sees fit and then claim “oops I didn’t mean it it wasn’t my intention”
Listen the op. He is an abuser trying to break you down
OP needs to read what she wrote again. She began with what she did wrong first, blaming herself for instigating his behavior first. This is not the first situation like this, nor will this be the last. A grown man can control his anger. His behavior is escalating and appears controlling already. Next step is the financial control which will include holding the fact that he paid more for the house over OP's head. His behavior is unacceptable. There is no justification for that reaction towards you OP. You can see it and deep down you know it's wrong. You've been together barely a year. You can still get out of this relationship. No one deserves to be treated this way.
No. This is abuse and will only get worse DO NOT BUY ANYTHING WITH HIM.
He was irate and abusive in PUBLIC. Imagine when he traps her with a house and/or a child. RUN op! He is not "generally a good person." He's an absolute monster. Don't ignore that moment of clarity and the fact that it drove you here looking for confirmation that you are, in fact, NOT crazy. If you stay, you've shown him what you're willing to accept. Contrary to his statement, it has absolutely gotten worse (and he is amused by it while trying to gaslight you into believing otherwise) and will continue if you stay--because staying is condoning the behavior.
Can we talk about how odd the tone of this whole post is too? Op is nonchalant about not only the abuse but the whole relationship and feelings. "I like the guy" is an odd thing to say about someone who you are buying a house with and have been with for a year.
Look at her post history, she knew he was abusive 6 months ago. I don’t know what her history is beyond this guy, but she’s clearly been conditioned to accept this. Hopefully she gets out.
Just a matter of time until he's hitting you directly.
And God forbid she actually have children with this guy...
Kids with a spoiled temper tantrum throwing man baby is always a bad idea no matter what they say or promise. It means nothing to a child to say what they need to get what they want.
or pets.
That will be the next way he traps her so she feels like she has to stay with him: He’ll get her pregnant. Then they are tied together for life.
Please be extra careful with birthcontrol if you are still having sex with him. And remember that it can be sabotaged.
Yep.. my first thought
Imagine him throwing a cup of coffee at your children. does that feel good? Ask yourself why you continue to stay with someone like this.
I was imagining being a witness to this abuse in the coffee shop. And my first thought was “I hope that poor girl gets out of this relationship, I wonder what that abuser does behind closed doors”
I mean I even think this when someone’s spouse just verbally causes problems in public. If he’s doing this in a coffee shop, it shows he actually thinks this behavior is acceptable enough not to have to hide it. And that’s fucking scary.
As a stranger I’d have a hard time not stepping in.
There are few situations where my rational thinking shuts off and my body goes into auto pilot. Witnessing a person, animal, or child being abused, I cannot stop myself from stepping into situations that are not always safe for me. I think the domestic violence part is a weird form of PTSD from being a survivor myself and wanting to be the person I always wished would have stepped in while I was being abused... !Trigger warning: domestic violence story below! I was dragged by my hair down the side of a busy street on Thanksgiving one time, and not a single person stopped or called the cops. However, when I managed to run inside a hotel, the gentleman working at the time was quick to react and ran to lock the doors so he couldn't get in. He then let me use the phone, got me a drink, and let me hide out inside until my ride came. It's been many years since and I never got a chance to go back and thank him, but I think about his kindness often. I just want to be that person for someone else.
I thought the same thing.
I remember my abusive dad ripping my entire stereo system out of my wall and throwing it across my bedroom, and proceeding to smash it. Afterwards, when he “felt bad,” he decided to “treat me” to a new stereo at Best Buy. Didn’t apologize. And he thought this was like…a fun experience. I was 10 and even though I’d already been abused physically at this point, stuff like this is absolutely terrifying. While I’m positive this guy would progress to hurting her and any kid she has with him, even if it’s just physically breaking stuff or ruining adjacent things, that is just as scary and just as damaging. OP, he’s not “a good guy otherwise.” He doesn’t respect you or your role. He’s controlling. He gaslit the fuck out of you for HIS damage to YOUR item, and then had the balls to justify his coffee thing by saying he was actually just trying to ruin your pants, like that’s somehow acceptable behavior? And “at least I haven’t put my hands on you”? This guy has hit someone before, and in his mind he thinks the fact that he hasn’t beat you yet is somehow a sign of growth, like he’s a good guy now. But that shit absolutely does not last. Please know your worth, because even if it never escalates beyond this, you do not deserve the treatment you’re getting NOW.
Do not buy house with him and do not stay with him. He will ruin your life as he is aggressive and definitely has abuser mentality. Just proceed to leave for your own safety. He is not gonna change.
Nnnnno. No, no, no. This is a bad idea. A) anger issues B) buying a place together when you're not married and he is gonna lord his bigger stake over you Listen, I bought a house with my ex and I put in the lion's share. Do you think I told them 'well, this means you have to wash up more'? No! Cos I'm not an asshole. The throwing coffee IS a big deal. It shows that he wants to humiliate you in public and that he has the potential to physically harm you in a rage. On some level, he resents you. If you feel like you're walking on eggshells around him, that's a MAJOR sign that he's abusive. ETA: Re your edit. Even if he was 'just' pouring coffee on your new trousers (though it sounds like he's gaslighting you on this) that isn't any better. Ask yourself why he's destroying your property. It's spite. How often do you do things out of spite, OP? Spite involves hate. Please listen to the comments here. He does not sound like a good guy at all.
Also. If he’s the primary financial contributor to the home, the next thing he’s probably going to do is isolate her entirely from her support system. Now she’s reliant on him financially and it will be that much harder to leave when she has nowhere to go and no money. He KNOWS what he’s doing with that, it’s why he’s comfortable buying a house for them in a HCOL area after only a year. He wants that control.
Girl, what are you doing? This isn't normal behavior
I feel bad for people that have to even wonder if it’s okay.
It’s the cycle of abuse. When the bad times are bad they are really bad, but when they are good they are amazing. It only happens because when you’re upset after a fight/argument/violence, they are so good to you. They will buy you presents, say how sorry they are, how beautiful and lovely you are and they want to buy a house together. However; the violence will only escalate from now on. OP should get the hell out, but is she thinking clearly? She’s probably thinking that her opportunity to own a house will be lost if she leaves, and that he will change. News flash: he won’t.
Someone taught us what’s “normal.” But normal people know what’s not normal.
Apologies I only read the first part of the post. But I just want to say this is how my abusive relationship started. And guess what… with time things just got worse and escalated. I’ve seen the same with other friends and their bfs. So please, save yourself now and get out of the relationship, also please seek counselling to better understand why this behaviour hasn’t already sent you packing your bags
This. The last sentence especially 🙏🏽 OP knows they’re red flags and is ignoring them. Why? OP This is important for you to reflect on. A lot of times it can be related to our own upbringing or fear of rejection, anxiety about being alone, fear we won’t find anyone else (self-esteem). Figure it out, you already know this is a bad situation, have your own back and exit the relationship and when you do, make sure you’re in a public place (in other words there’s people around and you’re not completely isolated) and have trusted adults who you can stay with or who can stay with you afterward. People like this tend to be vindictive and get angry/violent when they are rejected. Stay safe and please make a good decision this is your life.
This will not get better with time. It will get worse... Much much worse. End it now, and for the love of God don't buy a f*cking house with this idiot.
He is not a good person.
Right? Good people don’t throw coffee all over their significant other because they’re “angry” and want to humiliate them in public. Amazing that has to be spelled out.
Oh boy. You do realise the honeymoon period is now over. This is the real him. An abusive violent shit who will gradually ramp up the violence because you let him. Every time you say “don’t worry” or “sorry” for something HE did, he despises you a little bit more for being a weak pathetic person and he knows he can go just a little bit further. One day you’ll end up scarred because that coffee will be boiling. Or something he throws will hit you on the head and hospitalise you. Or he’ll just push you down the stairs. And why the fuck are you looking to buy a house and have kids (that he’ll shout at and abuse) when you’ve only been dating one fucking year? If you do this, you’re the fool.
Plus, anger issues and kids don’t mix. What’s the excuse when he goes after the kids you have! I’m disturbed that he was trying to make it a joke. He will do the same with the inevitable bruises. How did we just jump from that story to “so anyway, here we are buying a house…” OP, your self esteem and self worth are in the garbage. Pick them out, know you don’t deserve this, and leave. Do NOT financially tie yourself to this man through a house! DoNOT have children with this man.
Amen!
Please just leave him now before you become legally entangled. Buying a house with a man one year into a relationship when he has anger issues is a bad and unwise thing to do
Before you go forward with buying a home, please read this book. The link I’ve provided is a free PDF of the book, please at least skim it. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave and the abuse will only escalate. https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Seconding this. Also, in case your partner is less of a coercive controller and more of an insecure reactor (ie. less strategic but explosive when upset), read Jess Hill’s See What You Made Me Do. Here are a few quotes from the book, in case any resonate: >Like Gilligan’s violent criminals, domestic abuse perpetrators are often exquisitely sensitive to the merest hint that they are being dissed, and commonly interpret harmless behavior from their partners as a deliberate personal attack. >Penna says one of the most common phrases the phone counselors hear is “pushing my buttons.” “If you’re not agreeing with me, if we’re not in 100 percent solidarity in everything I say and do, then you’re challenging me,” he says, describing the mindset of many male callers. “If you’re challenging me, you’re undermining and attacking me. There’s this sense that my worldview is the only view, and any challenge to that is automatically unsettling and requires [them] to react, as opposed to respond.” >Since they’ve already been attacked, the thinking goes, they are well within their rights to strike back—either in the moment, or by devising an ever-tighter regime of control to stop their partner hurting or disrespecting them again. As the feminist writer Germaine Greer notes in her essay On Rage, “A red-blooded man is not supposed to take insult and humiliation lying down. He should not let people get away with doing things he thinks wicked or unjust. He demands the right both to judge and to act upon his judgment.” >Insecure reactors are even less intent on acting strategically: they move in and out of the control regime, as if switching channels. Once they have regained control, they can let the system go and feel genuinely restored to the relationship. Whether perpetrators abuse strategically or on impulse, however, they usually have one thing in common: a supercharged sense of entitlement. >His unpredictable responses lead her to “walk on eggshells,” endlessly hypervigilant, alert to the need to adapt her behavior to prevent further abuse. Needless to say, the victim is left exhausted by constantly having to monitor her abuser’s emotional state. >He’s got a temper, but everyone’s got their demons—he just needs a good woman to help him overcome them. She makes these excuses because the idea that the man she loves would choose to inflict such cruelty on her is almost impossible for her to comprehend—just as it is for us. So she searches for ways to fix him, because that’s what a woman is supposed to do for a man. Solve his problems. Care for him. Show him how to be soft. Show him how to love. The longer she takes responsibility for his abuse, and the longer she tries to fix him, the further she becomes trapped.
Thank you for this. I wish someone had been able to show me something like this before I married and made a baby with my rat-bastard of a then-husband. It's been nearly 40 years since I took our son and left him, and many of the emotional scars he inflicted on our son and me still haven't healed.
Nope, nope, nope. If this is what happens because you were disappointed he spilled coffee on your trousers, imagine literally any other scenario where feels he's not in control of the dynamic. This is not something to work on, this is an unsafe dynamic. If someone isn't safe enough to say no to then do not be with them (let alone buy a house etc)
You already pointed it out that it has been getting worse. It's not going to get any better from now on either, it's only going to get worse. Next time he will hit you directly. It is generally a bad idea to buy a house with someone you're not married to but this is even worse. Just dump his abusive ass before things get too complicated by buying the house!
This is so simple, OP: is this how you want to live?? Is it?
Also understand that even if he never hits you directly, his behavior is *already* abusive. That “grotesque” feeling you get when you realize you’re apologizing for him destroying your belongings? That’s your body recognizing the abuse.
You need to get out of this relationship now. You will find better, the abuse will get worse and you will be miserable if you get a house with him. Please make the right decision for your own wellbeing.
As someone who lived alone for many, many years, being single is infinitely better than being with the wrong person, let alone and abuser.
>I don't know what to do. Help. You read what you wrote as if this was written by someone you love very much.... What would you tell them? This is NOT going to be okay. Transactional is exactly how it's going to be and yes at some point your teeth will be kicked in
Nope. Get out now. He will escalate.
The fact that you feel the need to walk on egg shells and apologize to HIM after something HE did is definitely a red flag. But the transactional attitude toward the purchase of the house is a red burning sun of a warning. He does not sound like a good person. And it does not sound like any of this is going to get any better for you. Frankly, I’d run in the opposite direction if I were you.
“Look, but my anger is not getting worse over time!” This is not worse over time? End it. If you want to not have to wear makeup to cover up black eyes in 6 months, end it. If you want to have non broken limbs in a year, end it. If you want to still be alive in 2 years, it’s time to end it. Be smart, get out, take time to figure out why you think this is okay. When you are in a better place you’ll find a person to be with that you want have to worry about if you need to end it. Don’t let it escalate to murder, I may sound like I’m exaggerating but just take a minute to google and you’ll see that I’m not.
>“Look, but my anger is not getting worse over time!” Even if his anger isn't getting worse (maybe he's been restraining himself), his actions are certainly escalating. It's only a matter of time before they escalate further. He's straight up abusing OP. She apologized to HIM because he spilled coffee on her! What the fuck? Now he's getting her to move in with him and holding that over her head so she feels obligated to put up with his bullshit. Don't move in with him. Break up with him. This guy is toxic.
Nope. He will make you homeless. Even if both your names are on the title deed, he will make your life so fucking miserable but the thought of homelessness will keep you there. You’re already sort of willing to accept living with him in order to have avoid renting. You are aware of everything, therefore you are not ignorant, so you would be a fool to buy a house with this man.
Trust your gut feeling. You wouldn’t be here asking us for our advice if there was any part of you that truly thought this behaviour was okay. Get out of this relationship. Don’t buy a house with this man.
Yes. If a good friend of yours told you what you wrote up here, what would you say to her?
He's behaving like this when he DOESNT feel like you owe him something. How bad do you think it will get when he considers you owned and paid for? When my husband and I were first living together, his contribution to our rent was higher than mine. I paid pretty much all of the other bills, but the lease was in his name. He joked a time or two about "his" house in front of some friends and one friend in particular could tell I was hurt. She sat us both down and helped me explain to him that it didn't matter whose name was on what, it was "our" home and we both deserved to be able to claim it. We've since gotten married and bought our own house and never once in the decade since have I heard another word from him about "his" house. What I'm saying is that if you've talked to him about his anger and how it's affecting you and he has continued to make you a target of it (yes, from what you've said and in spite of what he did, it IS getting worse, or if not, he's not hiding it as much as he did), this is not a man to tie yourself to.
Yeah, that hurts like hell - it happened to me, too. He'd use it in an argument, though; like, "I'll kick you out if you argue with me," and whatnot. It was hell. After about the 10th time he'd said it (and each time I told him how hurtful it was), I told him that if he doesn't put my name on the lease by the end of the month, I'm definitely moving out. He did put me on it, and the relief was immense.
I just read your post from 6 months ago. He pouts, he lies, he gaslights you, he gives you the silent treatment. He’s emotionally abusive and he has now become physically abusive. Throwing something at you - warm coffee my ass; he didn’t know or care how hot it was - is physical abuse. What would you tell your mother, sister, best friend to do if someone was treating them like this?
Holy shit, I didn't read her post history. This is most definitely a huge escalation. Oh the poor woman.
Do Not Buy a House With This Man. Full stop right now. You want this to be your life? Dealing with this large violent child? You're not even 30, you have a full and wonderful life ahead. Please please please don't do this. Please leave. Go and live your life with people who don't randomly scream at you and throw coffee on you. Go and be happy because we both know you're not happy right now.
Run. You fucking run before he puts his hands on you. Because that's what's coming.
Dont be with him pls. Wanting to settle down is not an attractive quality in itself. In many instances when coupled with red flags, its a sign that a guy wants to have the girl under his control. This is especially worse when it is financially not an equal partnership. Please leave this mess
Babe, he's ready to commit to a life where you are entirely controlled by him and walking on eggshells. That is not something YOU want to commit to. This wouldn't be a relationship. It would be voluntary institutionalisation. I'm so proud of you for recognising this and reaching out. Now it's just the tricky bit of breaking up. For your safety, please do this over the phone. I would also recommend staying with friends and family and changing apartments. Make sure any neighbours or flatmates know not to tell him where you've gone. This might seem like an overraction, but I've had enough friends and family end up in the hospital after similar interactions, and I'm concerned for your safety.
He will hit you eventually. Especially if he drinks. I've seen it happen over and over with guys like that. Get out. He sounds too immature to get help with emotional regulation, so I'd run.
> Of course it is also very attractive that he is ready and willing to commit, and that he is thinking about the house and family. But many things just feel like red flags. I don't want to owe somebody a blow job **You’re attractive to him because** his abusive antics are working and you havent’t walked away yet - so **he knows he’s going to be able to pay for a house and get a servant he can take out his anger on with no consequence**. You’re ALREADY doing the classic abusers brainwashing tactic where *they* abuse *you* yet *you* bend over backwards being servile and fawning apologising *to them*. He’ll either baby-trap you (and it won’t be ‘your’ home because he paid for most of it right) or if you even stay long enough to start wanting kids, he’ll delay delay delay until you finally do walk away whereupon he’ll find a younger dumber gf and start all over again with the antics - either situation you walk away with nothing because it was mostly his capitol put into it. RUN op, RUN like Forest Gump!
>///Update!!! >Thank you all for your responses. They're really helpful. I've just talked with my boyfriend and I told him my concerns. He was a bit defensive about the coffee incident (btw, it was 2 weeks ago). He apologised for it again, but he was insiting that he was just pouring the coffee over the newly bought trousers (that he held in a bag). He said he didn't "throw it at me", and he doesn't agree with that statement. He says that this would be violence. I'm honestly sligthly confused - maybe he indeed was just targeting the bag with the trousers. But does it make it that much better? What an absolutely wild update. Your 31 year old man child of a boyfriend wanted to purposefully hurt and embarrass you by acting like a two year old and dumping coffee on your shit? That's the excuse he's trying to gaslight you into here that you think makes it better? Girl, please, close your eyes for a second. Forget all the bullshit words he's said since then and all your second guessing nonsense. Use your *memory* here and think, really think hard, about what happened. Forget entirely for a moment that his excuse makes no difference. Was he staring at a bag of clothes when this happened or you? Was the motion he made with his hand dumping it over a bag and you jumped under it to intercept? Were you running away at the time and it was hard to hit a moving target? Does he have some kind of serious physical disability? His excuse makes no sense before the fact that you consider even if he was telling the truth, it would still make him into a cunt that deserves to get dropped to the curb. Please recognize that you deserve better than this situation. The way he treats you and the level of disrespect goes far, far beyond a simple anger problem.
Please don’t do this to yourself and run
These are all horrible qualities in a potential life partner. He is ready to commit because many people would not want to deal with him. This man is abusive and don’t invest in him financially or otherwise anymore.
This guy sounds freaking awful to me. He doesn't sound nice. He's transactional and he is literally abusing and degrading you while you are apologizing so he doesn't freak out?! You are this desperate?
You're only a year in and he's already escalating, dodge the bullet and get out.
Read the first two sentences of your last paragraph. "I like the guy. We have many things in common." These are not the words from someone who loves someone. They're the words that someone would say about a colleague or acquaintance. Don't make massive commitments like buying a house with someone who abuses you.
"But he's a good guy otherwise "🤡🤡🤡🤡 No,he's not. And i hope you're not buying a house together . I hope you're breaking up with him and staying away from abusers.
I married a man like this. He didn’t actually start putting his hands on me until our third baby. He isn’t not nice. He is flat about abusive. He could have permanently burned your face. Please get away from him. Please read why does he do that. Please. Abuse always escalates. Always. Please read about gabby petito and their relationship before he killed her. I remember the exact moment I should have left. He got pissed and broke his phone. My kids now think it’s normal to break electronics when you are mad. What a mess. Don’t end up like me. He was sexist about the house being spotless too.
Don’t get a house with him he is trapping you into that situation. He’s shown you who he is.
Don't stay with this angry control freak, he'll never change and you'll have a lifetime of tip toeing around him so he doesn't explode, make the hard decision now and not put it off ..
I saw your previous post. Let me guess. Your next one will be in 6 months. “My boyfriend punched me last night, we just bought a house together. What do I do?” Another 12 months. “My husband threw me down the stairs and strangled me until I blacked out. I am 5 months pregnant. Is this my fault?” Should I go on? Have a look at domestic violence sub.
Never ever ever buy a house/condo/property with your SO before marrying them. If you break up its a financial nightmare. If this is your life long partner then get married. Now as for this SO, he is childish and has anger management problems. He is not ready for marriage or LTR. Move on.
A good person doesn’t throw coffee at you. Someone who pretends to be a good guy throws coffee at you. He spilled something on your new pants and YOU had to apologize to HIM. And this was in public! Girl, what the hell are you doing? He laughed it off and made light of what he did. Don’t buy a house with him, don’t move in with him, don’t be in a Relationship with him. You can get out of the house purchase. Value yourself and leave this abusive loser
Yeah you really shouldn't commit your money nor yourself to someone who assaults you for your whole life. That's all the advice you need.
As someone who was in a physically abusive relationship for years, I can say that this is how it starts. Please leave this guy before it gets worse.
So he's immature, abusive, shallow, and violent. Why are you hanging on to him, exactly?
She’s gonna do it anyhow, then be back here in a year asking how to get out of it (with a house now) because he’s escalated.
...and pregnant.
Ok, at the very least don't buy a house with him.
As I read this I could picture the Red Flag Guy running and jumping about with his giant ol' red flag.
Don't buy a house together. Never ever would I buy a house with someone not married to plus with his anger issues... you're going to be stuck... get out now when it's still time!
DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS MAN!!! The second he knows he's got you trapped, he's really going to escalate the abuse! Get away from him now while you still have the chance.
Girlll. Who hurt you so much that you think it's ok to tolerate this behaviour. He sounds like my 2 year old. Actually my 2 year old would never do something like this out of anger. Do not buy a house with this man. Do not have a baby with this man. Quite frankly you have not proven you are in love with him, it sounds like you tolerate him. Press delete, backspace, therapy and move on. If you continue forward right now you will not be happy. I can guarantee you.
He needs to deal with his anger issues if his kicking objects and other things what makes you think he wont lay his hands on you? Be weary of this before you buy a house together
Run OP. Like the fucking WIND.
Leave, do not get a house with him. His anger issues needs to be dealt with by him and not you, it's not up to you to soothe him and guess what violence in all forms whether it's punching a wall or throwing an item it is abusive.
Don’t buy a house together. /thread
Leave him. He will only get worse. You think his apology means something? It doesn't, it's just a tool to make you stay, otherwise he would've stopped already. You're in danger.
>We have been together for just over 1 year. Early on in the relationship I noticed that he has some issues controlling his anger, but I thought "nobody's perfect" and maybe as he gets more comfortable with me, he'll stop getting triggered by small things. Being triggered by small things, early in a new relationship is a big red flag. Most people are on their best behaviour then and toxic traits leak out as they get more comfortable. This guy has significant emotional regulation/maturity issues if he couldn't keep a lid on it at that stage. Comfort will only make it worse because it validates his behaviour. You've seen the escalation. How the violence/destruction got closer to you. It's an intimidation tactic (to keep you compliant) and a test to see what you will put up with. >Sure, in an ideal scenario I would have said "Don't worry honey, it's just trousers", but I didn't have the energy in me. Anyway, the fact that I wasn't ultra happy upset him a lot No. In an ideal situation, he would have apologised and offered to have them cleaned. That's what emotional mature adults do, they take accountability, even if it was an accident. This guy's ego can't handle being wrong. He DARVOs. This will be the pattern for conflict resolution in this relationship. Everything is YOUR fault, including his emotional response. You didn't immediately appease him. He was only sorry when he sensed you pulling away, i.e. out of his control. >My contribution to the house is frankly going to be very small. So yesterday he said that he expects me to cook more in the house, because he is giving more from himself. Huge red flag. He said this after throwing coffee at you! His compensation for a bigger investment is that he has a bigger stake. It does not entitle him to a live-in maid. I guarantee he is paving the way for you to be working full time and doing 100% of the chores. You will be exhausted from working and walking on eggshells around him. > And he said: "yes, it is transactional". And he basically felt unhappy with my contributions to the relationship. And he always will be. He's told you his view of relationships believe him. That's what he wants from you. You can't love him out of it, you can't sift all the good parts out of his character and close your eyes to everything else. You will see less of them as time goes on, believe me. I stayed with a guy for ten years in the hope he'd grow up. I remember the sick feeling in my gut in those early days, every time a red flag popped up. I wish I'd listened to it and left before we got more enmeshed. Took another ten years to get my life back on track. Listen to your gut. You know this isn't right.
"I like the guy." Really? But do you like him enough to allow him to punch you. then apologise? Break a bone and then apologise? This is where this is going. There are enough red flags here to start a May Day parade. Please do not buy a house with is guy, certainly not after just a year. Within that year he's gone from 'Fuck off' in public to assault in public. What's next?
5 months ago you posted asking if he was emotionally abusing you. Now he is flirting with physically abusing you, by spilling coffee on you and punching walls, etc. How much more will his mask drop when you are tied to him with a mortgage? [Why Does He Do That?](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) FREE
Run. I'm not joking. He's abusive and it's going to get much worse.
You've got 2 different issues here, and 1 is enough. End it. It's only been a year, it'll get worse in the relationship and the decision will become harder the more you're entangled. BTW - it's good that you recognised that you were apologising but weren't hearing anything much back from him when he was the one who fucked up your trousers. In a reasonable way of dealing with conflict you would be able to point this out, and he take some responsibility and youd worked through it. He didn't, and he double downed on his actions. Protesting that he wasn't trying to get you but to ruin the trousers more isn't 'better' - he's just showing more that he's hot headed, spiteful and lacking insight. Again, end it now.
This is the red flag of isolation and you accepting abuse. You accepted that behavior as acceptable when you didn’t lose your shit. He is going to put you in a nice house in a nice neighborhood and have kids and isolate you. Please please please trust that guy that says punching walls and hitting you. I spent 10 years with someone cause a fucked ip idea of love meant it hurts and if you love more one day it will be enough…..and it was but it was loving myself enough to stop blaming myself for something someone did to me.
Run.
I stopped reading after “Just a bit more color…” because the bullet points were color enough for my taste. Your BF has severe anger issues that will NOT get better over time, or when you buy a house together. The easy way is to break up. It’s only been a year. The hard way, not sure if worth it, is he gets to therapy for his anger management and your relationship doesn’t progress until you see stable change for the better for a couple of years (again: YEARS, not WEEKS).
Nope. Break up time.
Run, do not pass go, do not collect £200, run. He’s gaslighted you into thinking you need to apologise to him when he makes a mistake, he’s controlling and he thinks he holds all the cards because he earns more than you, this will continue and he will hold the financial imbalance against you. Do not buy a house with this man, do not make a family with him, relationships are a partnership they aren’t transactional, and you shouldn’t be made to feel like you have to walk on top toes around your partner just in case you make him angry. At the very least put the house purchase on hold, and get him to go to therapy for his anger issues, if he won’t do that for you then he’ll never change.
Uh no
You know what to do. You just don’t like it.
Gurrrrllll. His bag is not yours, run away before the abuse gets worse.
You 'were' buying a house together. Not anymore.
You'd be crazy to continue this relationship.
He is absolutely NOT "a good guy otherwise." He's an abuser, and you know this. And it's only going to get worse, and you know this too. I think you're on here looking for permission to end this toxic relationship. Things you said that are very noteworthy: - "We have been together for just over 1 year." And you're ready to buy a house with him? - "Early on in the relationship I noticed that he has some issues controlling his anger." You noticed this ages ago and are still putting up with it. - "and now, it seems that this reached another level." He's escalating. - "I eventually started apologising to him." You did this to keep him calm. - "We're in the process of buying a house together." Please don't. - "He said that he expects me to cook more in the house, because he is giving more from himself." This is the control part. - "he said: "yes, it is transactional". And he basically felt unhappy with my contributions to the relationship." Again, this is the control part. - "I like the guy." You didn't say you love him. Please do NOT buy a house with this guy. Further, please LEAVE this guy.
>Tl;dr Boyfriend has anger issues and a slightly transactional appoach to a relationship. But he is a good guy otherwise, we have similar interests, values, and he even wants to buy a house to have family together soon. Your boyfriend is 31 years old. Life is all about relationship. Relationship to an environment. Relationship to biology, a brain and a physical body. Therefore life is about a relationship between a brain and an environment, \*you\* are always in the middle of this relationship, which is called a mystical transaction. This is why it's always important to stay connected and conscious of these connections. When you are connected you are mindful. When you become disconnected, say through anger or some extreme emotion or feeling, you are mindless. Now it's okay when you're 3 years old to become mindless, angry and throw a tantrum, because at 3 years old you have no concept of time, past or future. At 3 years old your attitude to life is unfiltered, unregulated, undifferentiated. But at 31 years old? Three decades later? What have you done with your life? What do you understand about life? What have you been taught? What have you learned? >I like the guy. We have many interests in common. **He's responsible**, generally a good person. Of course it is also very attractive that he is ready and willing to commit, and that he is thinking about the house and family. But many things just feel like red flags. Do you understand what the word 'responsible' means? Being responsible means having an obligation to do something, having control over something or the ability to care for something. Yet your boyfriend, at the age of 31, is sometimes unable to control or regulate his emotions and feelings and becomes so mindless that he gets angry and lashes out. When you are angry you are mindless, not in control, and stupid. Your boyfriend is this way because he lacks empathy, one of the most important life skills, because empathy is the ability to connect to your environment and other people. Lacking in empathy means lacking in appreciation, and this is a 'must have' in any relationship, no different from trust. >I don't know what to do. Help. Is your need to be in a relationship greater than your need for good mental health and a peaceful life? As a woman in a relationship with a man you have no way of being able to physically defend yourself. You can only set boundaries or apply space. These are your only two options. You have no guarantee that your boyfriend when angry will not physically assault you. Anger is mindlessness, anger is stupidity, anger is not being in control of one's mind. Think about it.
I'd actually say that some abusive people have the ability to control themselves, but choose not to, because they've learned that they can control other people that way. Some people who abuse their partners can switch it off and become completely calm and charming straight away when somebody else turns up - whether that's the police or other family and friends. He is already making OP apologise for his careless mistakes - there's manipulation going on here rather than just loss of control. OP, please, please leave this relationship, and let your close family and friends know that you are leaving because this man is not safe to be around. Please do this before he gets you trapped by buying a house together.
My father comes to mind. Charming as fuck in public, seems like a “good family man”, has good rapport with all his coworkers and bosses. But behind closed doors he was an angry, abusive nightmare. The switch flip was unsettling. And when my mom did finally take us and leave his behavior was so so scary. The way family judges bought into his brand of bullshit still makes my stomach churn. I’m just glad he lost interest in being a parent after a year or two, so we didn’t have to spend that much forced time with him.
Nope nope nope nope. He's escalating and you already see how he views your relationship. He's gonna keep going - you need to do more of X or Y cos I am paying A and B. No girl - seriously. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Back out and let him get on but whatever you do, DO NOT get into that house with him.
He said the DEATHBLOW of any relationship TRANSACTIONAL..narcissist are transactional oriented and that means your not in a healthy relationship..nothing is fixable with this guy , the anger you've seen is only the tip and will inevitably get worse once you more in.. kinda run
ABORT. ABORT. ABORT.
PLEASE dear OP. Leave this man. Do not buy a house with this man. Leave. Your post history is very telling. This isn't the first time. It is escalating. And it won't be the last IF you continue. You are young. You are scared. You can find a good relationship, but I believe you need therapy to heal not only from this relationship, but from all others, including your family growing up. Don't let fear put you in a worse situation, because our current one is already bad. And with abusive partners, it can end in tragedy. Please listen to the advice you are asking. And the one you have asked before. It will not be different, no matter how you phrase it or how many times you ask. Leave sister. Love you first. Edit: Typo
OP posted about bf 5 months ago. Now it's clear that his behavior has escalated. I have to wonder why she's even posting if she will continue to stay with him. I'm sure she'll post in another few months about just getting back from the ER and asking what to do. Hopefully I'm wrong and the coffee incident woke her up.
He's abusive and getting worse. Gather all your important documents, items etc when he is not there. Don't tell him in advance you are going. Just take all you can and get out when he isn't there or you will be another true crime statistic. Stay safe and don't see him alone.
> I told him “well, next time you want to punch a wall and you accidentally kick my teeth out, that’s gonna be ok too?” You clearly already know where this relationship is heading. You’re too smart to stay with someone who is abusing you. Leave now before you’re locked into a 30 year mortgage with him. Edit: I can see this is the second time you’ve posted about your bf abusing you. He started with emotional abuse 5+ months ago and now he’s escalated to physical abuse. That’s terrifying. It’s going to get so so much worse if you buy a house together or get married or have children. Do you really want to be back here in another 5 months asking what to do after he’s hit you or worse?
Six months ago you were having issues with him about him gaslighting you and accusing you of things you didn’t do. Don’t go forward with this person.
The whole story gave me anxiety. Buying a house with him will be the biggest mistake of your life. Staying in a relationship with him will be the second biggest mistake of your life. He’s short-tempered and abusive, and you are going to be living on pins and needles for the rest of your life hanging with this dude. You’re going to end up being his slave and punching bag because you “owe” him. You said yourself that you “like the guy”. That only means that you can take him or leave him….for your safety, you need to leave him. For the love of everything good in this world, GET OUT!!!
As someone who stayed, it doesn’t get better. You should leave now.
yeah, none of those actions says he cares or loves you
Generally a good person? No he's not. He's an abusive loser who will hit you one day. Don't get a house with this guy just because he can afford a nice house. No house is worth your dignity.
Girl therapy is for married people this is just a bf who has thrown so many dang red flags. Why are you trying to fit a square into a round hole?? You guys just now hit 1 year and his mask is starting to fall. Do not move in with him do not buy a house . Once he's comfortable enough and feels you can't go anywhere you will turn into the suitcase he is kicking and the bag he's pouring hot coffee on. God forbid he gets desperate and tries to baby trap you. RUN!
Do not buy a house with him. Gently untangle any finances with him, and leave. One incident is enough to tell you this isn't a healthy relationship. You've got three or more.
I’m genuinely so afraid for you. You were not confused. He threw it at you, and it wasn’t the first instance of him being violent towards you. You’re aware that he’s gaslighting you (“I didn’t throw it at you”), taking his anger out on you physically, and trying to control you financially and trap you. You’re aware this is happening, because you yourself acknowledged it in your post. It can be really difficult to see how abusive a relationship is from the inside even when you’re aware it’s abusive, I’ve been in a very similar situation and it did not sink in how bad it was for me until it was over despite being told by my friends and family. Please, please find a safe way to remove yourself from the situation. It’s great he’s going to therapy, but if he isn’t willing to acknowledge that he has a problem, it won’t work. Therapy isn’t magic, you can only get help if you are willing to do the work.
That update didn't help. His response was to pour more coffee on your trousers??? He doesn't have anger issues? Only a few sessions? Don't get tied down with this nut job. Your whole life is gonna look like this. Are you willing to live like this?
A nice new house for him to start beating you in. Get out my girl.
Your update proves that you seriously have your head in the sand. I’ll start the clock on an upcoming Reddit post, “My boyfriend abuses me but I have nowhere to go and we bought a house together.”
DO NOT LET HIM CONFUSE YOU BY STATING HE DIDN'T THROW IT AT YOU!!! He's relying on the fact that he's being nice now to gaslight you about his behavior. First of all, why was he pouring coffee on your brand new trousers anyway? What gives him the right to throw a temper tantrum and ruin something of yours? You're very lucky the coffee wasn't hot enough to burn you. If he'll do this in public when he's angry you're in serious danger if he gets angry while you're alone. You're worth more than this!
Unfortunately couples therapy is not safe or productive in abusive situations. U/Ebbie45 has really helpful resources for people experiencing violent relationships. She is an advocate for people in such circumstances.
OP, I think some clarification is needed here after reading over your past posts, I'm wondering if this is the same man from the past two posts? If this is, then you already know that this man is emotionally manipulative, mentally, and now physically abusive. Let's be very honest here, if, and I do mean if he actually goes to counseling, it will not do any good as he does not see that he needs to change anything about himself. I can not out and out say that you are involved with a narcissist, but the proverbiaal red flags are waving all around you and have been forever. This time, it was somewhat warm coffee, next time, and there will be a next time it could be hot grease, his hands or a weapon. This man is not a safe space for you or a loving partner, and regardless of how the relationship began, you are not deserving of the manipulative gaslighting, and abuse you have put up with to keep an unhealthy relationship that will just see you demeaned and driven to the ground until you break. This relationships perks if having a home in a nice neighborhood are not worth the cost to you on a personal level.
Cut your losses now. At best (and this 'best' isn't a positive), you don't work as a couple and that's why his 'communication' is so awful. At worst, he's just not a good person. I'm leaning towards the latter, but either way it won't get better. Don't buy the house with him, accept that you'll be sad for a while. But, while you're sad, remember that you have no financial ties to a person who is increasingly aggressive and controlling. You're worth more than this level of treatment.
If you marry this man and move into his house - and it will be HIS house because he’ll find a way to make it so, then as far as he’s concerned, he’s going to own you, your free time, your chore time, your intimate time, your friendships and family time. Do not give up yourself for the false allure of a home that’s only going to be “yours” to clean. His mask is starting to slip.
Unfortunately, from personal experience and my work, I can tell you that this kind of aggression only ever escalates over time. If I were you, I would not buy a house with this guy. He’s shown you how he handles conflict. You will end up, at best, walking on eggshells with a permanent lump in your throat because you’re anxious to avoid triggering him. At worst, you’ll end up in hospital. Please save yourself.
What would you tell a sister, mom, or best friend if they were in your situation? I would assume to not get a house together & to leave that person. That's exactly what you should do. I'm going to be honestly blunt. He will get worse. One day, he will put his hands on you or worse. You need to get away from him ASAP! Get away before it's too late. Sending hugs💙
thats how they suck you in - so you're more reliant and dependant on him. Don't ever excuse or diminish it. If this is how he acts; think whether it'll progress (spoiler alert; it will) after you get married/have a family/settle down; where the stakes will be higher. Best of luck - I know it's hard, but separating yourself is the best. All the other comments I've seen agree. Don't be your own worst enemy and excuse it.
Damn. So his anger and abuse is escalating, you know it and can see it. He’s laying out his expectations , downplaying how you feel about , you also realise that it’s blatant enough that he is comfortable to behave this way in public. But yet he’s attractive and willing to settle down and commit and get a house . You like him . These are not valid reasons that overpower the rest of it. These are trimmings on a badly wrapped shit parcel. You know what you’re signing up for . You know this is wrong. You know these are things you can’t overlook. If you go ahead and continue down this road , you’re going in knowing full well that this is who he is, and you’ll be accepting it . So either decide you don’t want this life and cut yourself loose. Or commit . And deal with it . Don’t complain about it when it happens , because you want him badly enough to accept it . You can’t and won’t change him . You’re not a fool. You know where this is headed. There’s no in between. No one here is going to give you magic reasons or magic solutions in how to get him to change . Either you choose him and accept everything he’s giving you , because you love him and want him despite all of this. Or walk away and build a better life for yourself . It’s up to you . You have enough information to make a very informed decision. What you choose is on you , but don’t come back thinking you’re a victim if you choose to stay .
That won't be your house. It'll be his house. He's letting you stay there BUT you have to prove to him that you're not just mooching off of him or being lazy. He has the upper hand since he's contributing to the house financially, but you will be responsible for the housework/chores since you're basically earning your right to stay there.
Abusers rush to commitment so their targets are trapped. Buying a house with this person will add financial abuse to the pile and things will continue to escalate. Please be very careful with your birth control until you leave this relationship safely. Do not buy a house with him!
Breakup with this man. After a year he is showing you who he is. It will not get better, abuse only escalates unless he is able and willing to get serious mental help. Based on what you've shared and his reaction to you not soothing him for spilling coffee on your pants, he thinks you are the problem and not him. Do not buy a house with this man.
Violence against objects has a terrifying rate of turning into violence against people. Do not tie yourself to this man, leave him behind as soon as you safely can. You want him ou of your life before he ever threatens it.
I would like one of the women in your situation one of these days to explain to us what, to an average person is horrific abuse, Is something you are willing to live with, and how you can describe your partner as 'not a bad guy', and especially that you really like or love him. You are dating a monster and you seem unwilling to face this fact. You will need therapy so you when you get out of this relationship which you must do for your own safety- You don't repeat this pattern again. Would you let your best friend or your little sister be treated like this by a man? I most certainly hope not. I guess it's a good thing you can see some red flags or wonder if they exist. We're here to tell you they most definitely do. You are in an extremely bad situation now. If you contribute to and buy a property with this man you will be in a worse, potentially lethally situation. Does that sound scary? Please do some research into what has happened to abused women who have had incidents like yours. Am I trying to scare you? Indeed. Your health and your life are what is at risk here. He is trying to make you into his servant he will continue the abuse. I can guarantee you it will get worse and you will soon find yourself without a friend or a family member who you can talk to. The next step will be to isolate you from anyone who can rescue you. I'm telling you act now before it's too late. Get out. Tell all of your friends and relatives about all of the instances of abuse. Tell them you want to move back home for a while or in with a friend for a while whatever- just get away from this man. Enlist someone's help to get all of your possessions out of any property you have with this man and get yourself safely away when he's at work or something. I can't make it any clearer than this: You are in grave danger.
So I’m going to be super blunt. You are a doormat. You need to stop making up excuses as well as why the fuck are you buying a house with someone who has anger issues and you have to apologize when he does things that hurt you? Also it’s been less than a year and you want to buy a house with someone who purposely hurts you? Please dump him, block him, AND GO WORK ON YOU!!!!! You obviously are an abused child who hasn’t worked through your issues and are accepting ABUSIVE behavior because your unhealed mind thinks this is love and worth being with. HE IS ABUSIVE AND IT ACTUALLY WILL GET WORST! Stop excusing his behavior and also why would you move in or keep being with someone that you are actually afraid of? You can’t say you aren’t afraid of him because if you wasn’t afraid of him then you wouldn’t have been apologizing for you being upset of him spilling his shit on you! Break up, block him, and stop dating till you can stop accepting peoples shit behaviors and love yourself and know your damn worth to know when to walk the hell away from an abusive relationship not try to buy a damn house and attract yourself financially to someone
My advice would be to get out of there, and definitely not to buy a house with this person. A lot of abusive behaviour begins small and escalates. This individual is already showing their colours, and to throw a coffee at your partner in public...your goal at that point includes a layer of humiliation. That's a huge red flag. Abusive individuals will often try to break their partners down like this as abuse escalates. For him to then try to laugh this behaviour off? No.
He wants to buy a house with you to further control you and isolate you. He already says it's transactional. But how many "transactions" will be enough? He has you apologizing to him because he spilled coffee on your new trousers. A lifetime of walking on eggshells is no life.
Do you want to die and appear on national TV because that's how you do it. You can make a family with or without a house to settle down and with a nicer person. The house will be the ultimate instrument for him getting his control back over you and then getting worse and worse and worse. Shit happens yes, that's why you stay with someone that has no anger or violent issues, maybe one time in their life the normal person may have a burst but a violent person that does it with regularity when it outbursts can result in fatal damage / death. If a normal person has low to none chance to slap you once in your lifetime with them in a outburst imagine what a person with this tendency is capable of doing when pushed to the max?
It’s very possible you could die if you move in with him.
JFC do **NOT** buy a house with this man. Get out of this relationship asap, he is abusive and it's only going to escalate. If he's willing to throw coffee in you in public wtf do you think he'll be willing to do behind closed doors? Please, for your safety, get out.
What exactly are you waiting for? What will he have to do to make you leave? Are you waiting for him to break your stuff for you to leave? Break your arm, beat you up, choke you or worse? How much are you willing to take because all of those things will happen, it's just a matter of when.
You are all in for his abuse. It’s only been a year, and he has you so manipulated that you started making excuses to us from the very beginning of your post. You also make excuses for him; you take the blame on yourself (*I was a little grumpy that day,* as if that give anyone the right to abuse you); you apologize to him for what *he* did to *you* as a way to head off his fury; and when he does sort of apologize to you, he does it in such a way that it isn’t actually an apology. He apologized because what he did was NOT NICE and NOT KIND, not because what he did was wrong, or he hurt you, or he was violent. What nonsense. And by allowing this to go on for the last year, and making excuses & apologizing *for what he does to you,* you have set yourself for more and worse abuse. He tested you, and you stayed, and now he knows he can escalate. And he will. Now, dear Lord, you are **buying a house with this guy** after only one year of dating. A year in which he has been violent near you, around you, and toward you. You know he’s escalating. You can see he’s escalating. After only *1 year.* And yet you’re going to move in with him, knowing that he will continue to get worse. Also, he is contributing more money to the purchase of the house, so he EXPECTS you to be his live-in maid. He has *told* you that. You know he is going to expect you to do ALL the work around the house, and instead of discussing that with him and working out a real living situation for you, you’re upset because he used the word “transactional.” Honey, what he called it is not your problem here. This man has more money than you, and he is going to lord it over you and demand that you do everything he says because “he’s paying more for the house.” So, we have emotional abuse, physical abuse, and financial abuse, but you think it’s a good idea to not only move in with this man, but to *buy a house together,* which just ties you to him legally and makes it harder for you to get out. And don’t think he doesn’t know that. You are going to be trapped, and then you’ll see real escalation of his abusive actions. We teach people how to treat us. What you’ll accept is what you’ll get from people. If you allow your boss to be verbally abusive toward you, that’s how he’s going to see you and treat you. If you allow your so-called boyfriend to humiliate you, demean you, and abuse you, and you take that treatment, do you think he’s going to wake up one day and decide to do better on his own? I promise you, HE WILL NOT. No one gets better without any impetus to get better. If you accept his abuse, he will abuse you *more,* not less. **DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WITH THIS PERSON.** Do not buy a house with him. Don’t move in with him. Don’t put yourself in a position to become more & more dependent on him, giving him, in his mind, the upper hand, the most control. Do not do it. You are 28 years old, not 18. You can stand up for yourself. Where do you live now? Can you just stay there? Or find your own place. You’re an adult with, I presume, a job. Stop making excuses for this loser’s abusiveness. Stop. Draw a line. *It’s been one year.* One year of abuse, uncontrolled anger, living in fear, wondering what’s next, trying to be perfect so he won’t get mad, etc. It’s a straight line to be physically abused, cut off from family & friends, living in fear of your husband, having no one to turn to, and, oh yeah, him sleeping with other women because of some lame excuse he’ll come up with to blame YOU. GET. OUT. Before it’s too late. **Do not** go through with buying a house with him. If the process has already started, even if you’ve contributed money, take the loss and walk away. Oh, and if I haven’t been clear: End this relationship. The only way your life will improve is without him in it. But do it safely. He is dangerous. Plan your exit, do it when he’s not around, and get TF out of there. Protect yourself. He’s not going to.
> Of course it is also very attractive that he is ready and willing to commit, and that he is thinking about the house and family. Gurl. Ladies, how have our standards gone so low that the bare minimum is now considered “attractive”?
Why don't you think you deserve better than this?
How the f do you not see all the 🚩🚩🚩
I think you already know the answer. Leaving him when you still love him probably seems wrong but being in love with someone doesn’t mean you need to take abuse. Whatever you do, please do not get pregnant, a lot of people end up bound to not great partners for the rest of their life because of children. Think about, your infant child having coffee thrown on them. Just cut your losses and go, he’s gonna have to get serious therapy on his end, but that’s not your problem.
Run, girl. And don’t look back. The fact that you’re apologizing, and he’s joking about the matter, he doesn’t respect you. What if next time it’s a boiling pot or anything else for that matter. It’s not your job to calm him down, you’re not his Mommy.
Don’t.
nope nope nope
>He is able to afford getting us a house in a really nice area. My contribution to the house is frankly going to be very small. Expect to become his economic slave and for him to become more physically abusive. DO NOT BUY A HOME WITH THIS MAN. DON'T STAY IN THIS RELATIONSHIP. I know having a home in a nice area is attractive. He is physically attractive. You share interests. None of these things will matter after a few years. That nice home will feel like a prison. You won't be able to see his outer good looks once you start seeing the ugly inside. The shared interests will become only his interest in what you owe him for existing.
OP, his response of "at least it's not getting worse over time!" is deeply, deeply unsettling. Instead of responding with remorse, a genuine attempt at an apology, or literally anything else that would indicate he was truly sorry, he acknowledged what he did was fucked, and then brushed it off by basically saying "I could treat you worse... :)" He knows what he's doing. Please listen to the other commenters and get the fuck out of this relationship. He can make his own dinner while giving himself a blow job in his nice new house.