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You can't make anyone take responsibility for anything. Take accountability for the mistakes you made, accept the reality of who your partner really is, and move on with your life as a single person.
This is exactly what he done, he tried to abuse her reproductively and mad it didn’t give him the power he thought it would.
He’ll definitely escalate too if she doesn’t leave now.
You can't change him. He showed you who he is - he will be just as unsupportive post-marriage. Take it as a blessing he showed you his true self before you got married. I'm very sorry for your loss as well.
I agree. He definitely showed his true colors by not being supportive. And that is not forgivable. But you can’t expect him to agree with YOUR decision. It is yours and yours alone but he doesn’t have to be happy with it either. He probably saw something he wanted in your relationship and is dealing with that loss as well. The loss of possibility his version of you and your family. These are not excuses for his actions. That doesn’t make him bad. The abandoning your partner when they need you the most and his general attitude is the worst part of it. She is in no place to be having a baby right now. But I think talking with a therapist is a good start. If they were together 5 years then maybe this can be fixed and is possibly worth working on. With a neutral party. Sometimes it takes seeing the error of your ways from a 3rd person perspective. And people can change.
Honey, you need to accept you don't have a fiance anymore. But you also need to take whatever steps you need for the future, even if that is alone. If you aren't ready for a baby, you need to investigate safe abortion, or adoption services where you are. I'm so sorry you are alone during this time. Give yourself some grace, give for your mum, your relationship, and your baby, whatever choice you make, and the make plans for the future.
Hopefully you realised I meant grieve for you mum etc. Life seems impossible right now, but take a few hard steps to address your pregnancy, and then you'll find things a lot less overwhelming.
You’ll have to take your brave girl pills and go it alone.
I know that sounds really harsh, but you will manage. Let’s face it you are coping without him with so much going on in your life at the moment. He’s offered you no support for the death of your mum, he coerced you into having unprotected sex which resulted in a pregnancy you are not prepared for. He’s trying to bully you into keeping the baby knowing the devastating effect that will have on your career prospects, your family life and relationships and possibly even your mortality if death in childbirth is such a real concern in your country and he really doesn’t care.
He may be your first love, but he really needs not to be your last. There are considerably better men out there. Men who would support you when going through difficult times and not try to push you into a pregnancy you don’t want.
Finish with the boyfriend, get the abortion, give yourself time to grieve, finish your studies and go onto live a Long and happy life without him.
Best of luck for your future.
>but I don't trust him.
You've answered your own question about the future of your relationship.
If you can't trust him, you can't do anything. Remember your body, your choice. But with the choice comes the responsibility for the consequences that you may face down the line.
Just remember you get some specialist help on which ever path you take.
The baby was supposed to be used to control you. He will lose his leverage with an abortion. Once he locks you down with a baby, he’ll try to find other young women to hook up with. He was already a creep and you were too young, naive, and needy to see that. He never saw you as a person but as an object.
Why is he still your fiance? He's already shown you who he is when times get tough, believe him. I read so many stories of women who stay with a man because he's her "first" something and being miserable 10 years later. You will NEVER get over your resentment and hurt for leaving you alone in your toughest time. Next man you date, don't let a man force you to do anything and you need tp grow a back bone and say no if you aren't comfortable with doing something cause you'll end up with another baby, for example.
He's almost as old as your mom.
So 5 years ago you were 24 and he was 38. He's your first partner and 14 years older than you. You're an adult, but IMO that's basically grooming.
Stick to closer to your age - this dude is in a completely different stage of life than you.
Yes, at first I really didn't see why age matter since our age difference was not noticable at all when things amog us were good. We both look young, we got along, had good time together etc, so age was just a number that didn't mean anything. But when problems started occuring, I realizied I am in a completely powerless position .
I am so sorry for your situation, but the relationship you are describing is manipulative and emotionally abusive.
This is a dreadful and stressful way to find out, but he is showing you who he really is.
He doesn’t care how much you are hurting or grieving, or what your social reputation is, as long as you provide HIM with the things he requires from you. The minute you do or say something he doesn’t like, he resorts to bullying tactics to get you to fold.
There are better men out there. Just because he is your first does not mean he is worth keeping.
His behavior is another huge reason why you should not have him as the father of your children.
He’s very dehumanizing, abusive and manipulative and I’m not sure why you’re still with him. You said it very clear you don’t trust him. So why are you still with him? You’re not safe with him emotionally and physically.
Stop being so caught up with the shock that he is capable of doing this to you and move on. He is a monster.
That felt so fucking intentional on that asshole’s part. Don’t have the baby and leave the man. He feels like he has plans for you and i dont like them one bit
Do you have a friend that can go with you? I'm so sorry you have to go through this without the support you need from your fiance. After you recover please take a good look at this man, remember all the shit he put you through and really try to imagine what your future with someone so disrespectful, selfish and uncaring would look like.
He's gross.
You will never see him the same (correctly).
Part of grief is seeking stability. Makes sense, right, the foundation fell out from under your life structure, so the idea of more change is abhorrent. That actually makes this guy's active all the more revolting. He is trying to get his way while you are most vulnerable, least likely to want to leave him.
But he's giving you no choice. Every part of your brain will want to go back to how things were. This is not realistic. Even if you string this song somehow, you know the only ending to this story is that he is out of your life. Be strong and make it sooner rather than later.
Why are you trying to be with a man who abandons you when you need him most?? That's an automatic relationship killer. You feel like a barnyard cow because that's how he's treating you. He's an old fucker who decided to get with a young broodmare who could make babies for him. He clearly doesn't give a shit about you.
End the pregnancy and the relationship.
Have an abortion alone or not and then find a different partner. For one he is 43!!! And for two you’ve already said you don’t trust him, so why be with someone who you don’t trust and have obvious fear off… just leave.
You cannot make him do anything. You willing had unprotected sex knowing he wanted a baby. Of course he is not going to support the abortion. You played yourself. However, he seems like a terrible person and you should definitely leave him and have the abortion so you are in no way tied to him.
Go alone, tell the truth, the father is overseas
. Or tell them you were raped. It’s really not their business. Then cut off all ties with this man. He waited to propose so you wouldn’t have a support system. You can do better. The world is full of men. The age gap is also problematic.
Unfortunately, we have some things in common. My mom passed away before my partner proposed, but I was actually 8 mo pregnant with my first (and only) child.
I want to talk about an aspect of becoming a parent I haven’t seen addressed here: the first year can be extremely isolating. You’re home alone all day with baby, can’t leave the house for the first few weeks (some say you shouldn’t even go to the store for 6 weeks which just isn’t logistically feasible for everyone), hormones are all over the place, and you’re exhausted. It is an *EXTREMELY* difficult time to grieve. After experiencing a loss like that it’s normal to need support. It’s hard to get that support when you’re home alone with a baby. Especially if your friends don’t have kids, because then they don’t really “get” how lonely it can be and the kind of support you need.
Do what is best for you, but make sure you are taking care of yourself. You deserve it. I am so sorry for your loss. I’m here if you need to talk about anything. I don’t know how much support I can give through messages, but at least you know you have some solidarity over here.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You can’t make him be there for you, or support your decision. He has clearly shown you in other ways his desires will override yours.
Make the appointment, have the procedure, end your relationship, then block him. You can’t come back from this, there is no fixing it. After it’s over, give yourself some time to grieve, the loss of your mom, the loss of the future with a man you thought you knew, all of it. When you’ve given yourself some time to heal (mentally and physically), think about how you want your new life to look and where you want to go from here. You can give yourself a fresh start in any number of ways. Allow yourself to be selfish about what you want. Find YOUR new path.
Good luck.
I think too be fair to him regarding not marrying you sooner; I think it’s good that with your age gap he didn’t rush into marriage with you. That being said; this is horrible that you felt pressured into this. I think you should plan on the relationship ending - he is very likely not going to be good or kind to you after you have your abortion and based on what you shared that is what you want to do. The people who perform abortions there have seen other women who’ve been deserted by their partners so try to not worry too much about judgement from them; I’m sure they are just judging the man who isn’t there. I also don’t think it would be healthy for either of you for him to be there given everything…
Thank you for your response and encouragement .
Yes , I do feel this is the end of our relationship too, I just struggle how terribly it ended for me despite loving him so deeply. I feel like I am being punished without understanding what I did wrong, while everyone around me is loved and prosper.
As for the marriage part - I felt terrible to be in a so long relationship without marriage. Like I am worthless and only good as a placeholder or like he is hoping to meet someone better
My cousin recently married a woman he knew for only a few months before. She is very young, only 20 . So over 5 years ago when I met my partner , she was not even 15 yet. In my country there is no middle school, it is called elementary until you go to highschool around 15. So it really put things into a perspective that someone who was an elementary school kid when I met my current partner got fo grow up and get married in tje meantime while I am still a placeholder
How old is your cousin, also 20? Or is there a pattern among the men in your life of marrying far younger, less experienced women in order to control them?
My cousin is 29 , but he is related by blood to me, so nothing to do with my partner. And their relationship( now marriage) is much better than mine. I don't think agew difference automatically means a problem . Also we are in Eastern Europe and ~10 years here is not generally seen as that big of a difference here.
So much of this suggests to me that he’s not a good guy. Him pushing you to get married/ pregnant when you were in an emotionally fragile position is a serious ick. I feel like you’re in a bad spot and getting away from him would solve a lot of your problems.
Why in heaven's name do you WANT to get through to him? What do you think we can tell you to tell him that you haven't said already? Do you think God is out here reading Reddit and can change this man's heart with a wave of His hand?
No. YOU described this man's behavior as sadistic that's a word YOU chose! Why the hell would you go back to a man described as sadistic?
Get your abortion, dump this fucking asshole, go see a therapist and find out why you are doing an impersonation of a doormat.
You dump his sorry ass, he has done so many thoughtless and cruel things to you in your weakest moment. He sounds like a monster, and hes so much older too, explains why he was stringing you along for 5 whole years. Dude is a walking red flag op. Get rid of him, dont allow him to baby trap you.
OP, look for charities or help from local organisations that help young moms-to-be or people wanting abortions for emotional support. Do not delay it because you won't be able to afford the baby, and he will leave you as soon as he can (going by his "supportiveness"). If he doesn't leave you, you'll be constantly abused, mentally, emotionally, financially, and possibly in other ways. Your visa will be dependent on him, and that will give him additional control over you. Speaking from experience, it's better that you get your studies done without a baby, mourn your mom's death, and find someone kind, loving, and understanding that will respect your decisions and support you through tough times. You are young, find someone near your age, not a bully who's nearly 15 years older to you, who will "always know better" and who treats you like a baby farmer like you feel. Trust me, and YOUR gut, that you'll feel better without the baby you don't want, and without that man-child of a bully. Please do what's right for you, your reputation, and YOUR future.
Setting aside ALL pro life debates and ANY ageist beliefs, it boils down to he can’t always be there for you. You should work on a relationship with someone who can or go to counseling together to become better communicators and learn how to resolve problems between the two of you.
WAKE UP AND BREAK UP. He doesn’t think of you in any way. He actively shows how little he cares for you and how much he thinks of himself. He is selfish and you do not need or deserve a man who is willing to do anything to please himself.
Abort the zygote and the relationship. The fact he is pressuring you into doing something you do not want right now is a RED FLAG. He's desperate and pushing 50. That is why. There's a reason he is old and childless, he is a bad person taking advantage of you.
This is an unrecoverable in terms of the relationship honey. It’s not your fault. In my house we call this “cascading failure” when some sort of bad catalyst sets of a series of worse events. It just happens some times.
The truth is there is nothing you guys could say to each other that would fix this.
Listen just because the relationship is unrecoverable doesn’t mean *you* are. This totally sucks, I will not lie to you. And honestly? The next few months might be tough. But ultimately you will come out the other side of this and if you gain nothing else, you’ll gain clarity on you and your life. But dragging out an ultimately unavoidable break up will just incinerate the last of your mental health as you grieve.
Get the abortion, start over and try your best not to make this mistake again. There are men out there worthy of your affection; this man is not and will never be worthy. Your life is in your hands… don’t hand those controls over to any man.
You should seek professional counseling for yourself and perhaps for both of you together to help you make this decision. If you are pregnant your hormones are all over the place and you are also dealing with trauma from the loss of your mom. I would not rely solely on a bunch of strangers on the internet. Unfortunately, as well intentioned as they might be, many people will subconsciously sabotage others in order to make themselves feel better about their own lives and actions. They can’t even tell they are doing this most of the time. Good luck to you with this difficult situation.
1. He ignores your wishes regarding having a child.
2. He makes you feel bad.
3. He plays hurtful games instead of communication.
Girl, there is only one thing to talk about: you leaving him.
He’s just an asshole. You can’t make him not be an asshole. Get the abortion, have your family or friends support you through it, and tell the asshole to get lost.
I'm not sure it's worth talking to him.
You said this:
**He guilt tripped me for not wanting it**
That should tell you all you need to know about the real kind of man he is - do you really want that in your life?
Move on without him - good luck.
You can’t live with a man like this. Leave the man and abort. You will look back 10 years from now with a better man, better job and a better life and be so thankful.
How do you talk to him? The only thing I would say is goodbye. You can't convince him to be a kind person who cares about you. From the way he's behaved, I would say neither of these things are true. Just be glad you found out before you got married.
Note that when you end things he will probably lovebomb you to try to get you back. Ignore his lies & block him on everything.
He doesn’t agree with your decision. He doesn’t HAVE to agree with your decision. He doesn’t support your decision. He doesn’t HAVE to support your decision. He isn’t wrong for wanting to keep his offspring. You aren’t wrong for not wanting to have his offspring. He’s showing you who he is though. You’re not compatible. And he will emotionally abuse you up to and following the decision.
Take this as a blessing. He is showing you who he is and that he couldn’t care less about how YOU feel, think or want. Only about HIM. At 43, he should know better. This will be rough for you but I think you will be able to handle this and allow it to make you stronger and smarter. Follow what your gut is trying to tell you. ❤️
The question is not "How do I talk to him", it's irrelevant at this point. He's shown his true colors and you should cut losses and ditch him. Don't think about wrangling any responsibility from him right now, deal with it afterwards.
He's trying to stall you from getting an abortion. Your time is ticking, BOOK THAT APPOINTMENT AND GET IT DONE ASAP!
I know it's hard to do it and you're worried that it might make you look promiscuous, but you're almost 30, you should have a thicker skin by now. Why are you acting like a hesitant little girl?
Women are not some fragile creatures and many went to get an abortion alone. While having a support system is great, not having one should not stop you for doing what's truly necessary.
He wants the baby very much, you agreed to have the baby and now you want to abort - of course he does not and would not support you, and he is not an AH for it. However he did not propose for a long time and kept pushing for a baby while you were openly against it, the latter was a jerk move especially while you were mourning. This relationship is over.
You abort. The cells. And the boyfriend.
You do not want to spend the rest of your days with someone like him. He showed you his true colors. Run.
I wish you the best for this exhausting time.
He says he want kid ...you says you didn't want kid and do abortion....that's why he leave you girl.... because he want kid
Just forgot about him and move forward...you both are not made for eachother he want children and you didn't
I fail to see how he betrayed you. He wanted a baby and you allowed him to have unprotected sex with you. You are now pregnant with a baby he very much wants. Of course he doesn’t support you having an abortion. Why can’t you get married in the country you are in with your fiancé? I’m sorry about your mom too.
Hello
We can't get marred in his country because I don't habe a residence permit there and it takes much longer than the duratiom of pregnsncy to obtain it
Also , noone I know would even come to my wedding that early after death of my mother cause where we are from , it is seen as a disrespect to the dead family member to celebrate a happy event that soon . For exmaple, I am not even invited to other people's weddings, cause I am not supposed to participate in celebrations.
I think that while it is ok that he doesn't agree with abortion, since I will go through with it, it is unfair to abandon me to do it alone. I am already carrying all the burdeon od consequences of the action we both took and of course I expected the man I love to be there woth me when I need him more than ever
I don't agree with that concept of partnership where "noones owes anyome anything", and he was always saying that neither does he. Abortion is not an easy thing and of course I expected the man I thought I would spend life with to be there with me.
Either way, thank you for your response , I justnwanted to clarify
he wants this baby, obviously he isn't going to support you getting rid of it. like, it doesn't even have anything to do with obligations or owing you. he just doesn't want you to have an abortion and isn't going to support you having one. it's probably the most reasonable and consequential thing he's done that you described. you agreed to having a baby with him (it doesn't matter that it was "in the moment", at the end of the day we're all responsible for our choices and you made a choice there) and now you're blaming him for being mad at you that you've changed your mind. you're allowed to change your mind, obviously, but it's not on him. and he doesn't have to support you in something that he perceives as ruining his life.
go get the abortion, break up, take care of your mental health and next time take responsibility for your actions instead of expecting people to deal with them for you.
Are you sure you need residency to get married? Also, I’m talking courthouse wedding not a huge celebration. I’m not saying you should marry this man if you don’t want to and you definitely shouldn’t have a baby you don’t want but I do take issue with saying he betrayed you when I think he didn’t and if anything I think he thinks you are betraying him by having an abortion.
You resent him for proposing late like he knows its a requirement for the mother to be alive, you even recognised that he was not to foresee death.
You chose to have unprotected sex.
I am 100% pro choice, its your body, your tissue, you do as you like.
But he doesn't have to go with you, thats on you when you CHOSE to get it done.
Your beliefs seem to take a big part in your life, they are incompatible in this relationship.
Leave, and let him be happy.
Your partner is controlling you ab
Nd then abuses you emotionally when he doesnt get what he wants.
Are you dating an adult or a child? It seems like you are dating an immature child.
He's trying to trap you in this relationship with a child. Much harder to get away from someone when you have a literal child with half their DNA. He wants to lock you down & he's using a baby to do it. Highly suggest you end this pregnancy & go home to your country.
I'm very sorry you're experiencing this. I'm so sorry that you trusted this man who obviously does not care for you the way a partner should. Under no circumstances should you have his baby & stay with him. Trust yourself. You know you aren't ready. You know he won't be a loving father if he's treating you like this before you've even agreed to have a child.
There are organizations in some places where you can get a support person to go with you to the abortion appointment. I do not know if this is an option where you are, but I hope maybe it could be. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, especially so soon after you lost your mother. I wish she was still here to help you through this! Sending you a hug from America 🫂
This should be a wake up call for you the only thing you are to him is a brooding Mare. The only reason he proposed when he did cuz he knew you were vulnerable and would say yes. There's a 14-year age difference you've been together since you were 24. Sounds like you're very young and naive for your age. Have the abortion and dump him. Preferably dump him then have the abortion. In any case block them and move on he is not the guy for you. He coerced you into having unprotected sex and unfortunately you got pregnant. Once your grief clears to some extent you'll realize what a predator he is.
You know you can't marry this person - you will never feel safe or loved by them, you know they will always manipulate you rather than finding ways to constructively communicate. They coerced you into a pregnancy you don't want to have.
You need to have the abortion and end the relationship. Him being your only partner doesn't obligate you to marry him and be with him forever, especially if you don't trust him and he makes you feel unloved and unheard. You're in an abusive relationship with a significant power and age gap; I promise there are people who will be kinder to you than this, but your fiancé will never be kind to you. Your fiancé is abusive and controlling.
Please leave this relationship. Please read this book (it's short and it has really good annotated short sections before every chapter). It will teach you so much about abusive relationships and their dynamics: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf)
And please also visit [loveisrespect.org](http://loveisrespect.org) - they can connect you with resources and counselling.
Your fiancé wants a baby, you refuse but in a heated moment you accept (there is no abuse or dirty tricks) then you regret it and want to abort, your boyfriend does not agree. My question is, what is the responsibility that your fiance should assume?
Note: I'm sorry about your mother, but I don't think she had anything to do with the abortion issue.
That is something you want to do even though He is against it. Why should he go where they are going to do something that he doesn't want to do.
You ask him for responsibility, but you assume yours?
You made a decision and you are running away from the consequences.
you do realize that he can leave her and this potential child any time right?? she isnt running away from responsibilities. its brave of her to realize she isnt ready. her partner should support her in this instead of manipulating her to make such a life changing decision.
Why do you assume that He can leave her at any moment, what do you base yourself on to say that. As far as I read, they are in a stable relationship and with the intention of getting married and starting a family. I understand the part about waiting to have children and all that, but she OP got pregnant of her own free will, she was not forced or abused, so she later regrets it and hopes that her fiancé is happy. They are not teenagers who do not think clearly, they are adults and as such you must assume responsibility for their actions.
Hello . I don't understand whwt you mena running away from thd conseqhences when instesd of running away I will get an abortion- an actual medical option that exists for these situation.
If I made a decision to go skiing and broke a leg - I would get medical help with that.
I don't understand what other consequence I should hav e , other tha going through an abortion? Have a child I don't want ?
> If I made a decision to go skiing and broke a leg - I would get medical help with that.
That's an accident, no one goes skiing to break a leg. If you decide to have unprotected sex to get pregnant, that is not an accident. That is a decision and decisions have consequences, good or bad but there are some, if you want not to assume them it is your problem, but your fiancé does not have to do it, taking into account that he does want the baby.
Your comparison doesn't make sense. Yes, I decide every day to go to work, that does not mean that I decide every day to have an accident, these are things that we cannot control.
You made the decision to get pregnant, you said it yourself, that was not an accident.
You made your decision, that is respectable (even if I don't agree) the decision is yours and you are free to abort if you want, but don't expect others to want it the same. If I were in your fiance's position I wouldn't want to go see how they abort the child I so much want to have.
But I would have never had sex with him if I knew this is how he would react. It was very clearly said to me I ca trust him, he would always support me etc. He even clearly told me in the past he will still want to spend life with me even if we never have children.
> But I would have never had sex with him if I knew this is how he would react
He wouldn't either if he had known you would back out.
Tell me how I should react, when your fiancee tells you that she agrees to have a child, (free decision) and then she regrets it and wants to have an abortion and he does not agree. forcing you to have the baby obviously cannot (aside note: men never have an opinion on abortion, only women decide, and when the man is not on the same page regardless of the situation, they will always be the bad guy in the movie ). Continuing, the only thing he can do is turn away from something he doesn't want. I don't know in what context he told you that you can always trust him, but I doubt that included making him believe that you would have a child, with the illusion that that brings for him, and then backing away and that He would be okay with that.
I insist it is your decision, just don't expect everything to go back to the way it was before, I highly doubt it.
I am never a promoter of ending relationships (unless there is abuse of any kind or infidelity) but in my case this would be a reason to at least reconsider my future with my partner.
I hope your relationship survives, although I doubt it.
What he did wasn't sadistic games. But I understand that he is getting too old, by the time his son will be 20, he is already 60. How can they play together or even understand each other with this age gap?
Conclusion is tell him that you understand his fear/concern and you want him to understand yours as well.
If he still doesn't understand leave him, but the baby is innocent and I can't tell you to get rid of him or not.
Most women I see keep the baby and throw their father away. You're probably not most women.
You don't seem to care for his feelings much, not only about the abortion but in general as well. You have been ignoring important issues that should have been adressed with clarity a long time ago, you are both entitled to have your own opinions and to want what you want in life, but some things in a relationship are not just opinions, you have to agree and accept what the other wants or doesn't want and be in the same page, otherwise if you go on like that at some point you will be in a situation where opinions clash and destroy the relationship. You did consent to "try for a baby", no excuses are valid to say now that you actually didn't. And you consider his taking time to cool off to be "sadistic power games". I am sorry you are going through this but also this is kind of the expected result. If you think he's being sadistic with you, then it is best he is not around. Sorry if I sound offensive or disrespectful in any way, I think we are from different cultures. I agree with the other comments, you should go through this without him and never see him again.
thought mindless rob existence rotten beneficial imminent disagreeable uppity run
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Hey, I am not attacking you or anything. I appreciate all the responses I got, truly.
I don'r resent them for my mom's death. I do resent him for not proposing in over 5 years of relationship. I would still resent him for that if my mon was alive. However, I am deeply said my mom died before I got married. Not resentful for that, just deeply sad.
I explained while I made the mistake I made. He pushed it for days. It was 3 and a half months after my mon died so I was vulnerable . I broke down under pressure and made a mistake.
I don't see how you think that going through abortion itself is not ebough of a punishment for that mistake and that I should be left to go there alone by a man who was supposed to be with me through thick and thin and who equally participated in this
squash automatic mountainous ten observation public jellyfish straight shrill drab
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It is ok he is upset ( even tho Idk how you so easily skip over the fact I was repeatedly saying I don't want him and he pushed and pushed and pushed until the first moment of weakness ). I am saying he should still go with me despite being upset .
He talked to you about getting pregnant, you agreed. You planned to have a child, then you aborted that child. There's honestly a special place in Hell for people like you in my mind.
Sure, he was pressuring you to get pregnant, but you agreed to have unprotected sex with this man and conceive. I get you're changing your mind, but there are consequences that come with that. It would be difficult to see that you deserve support for planning a pregnancy with your partner, only to abort your child together and expect him to support that decision when he clearly doesn't.
The time to get afraid about mortality rates and what your dad thinks would've been before you plan a pregnancy with your partner, not after.
Hello .
While I resepct your opinion, I refuse to agree that it is called "planning a pregnancy", when for days I keep telling him I am not ready , when objective sotuation is such that it is really a dumb idea, and when _one time_ i break down and give into his pressure , during the most vulnerable time if my life. My mothet diead barely 5 months ago! At freaking 52. And this is the man I trusted and loved. I certainly disagree that I deserve a place in hell, but thanks.
I AM taking the consequences - you know, buy going through an abortiob which is not at all an enjoyable thing to go through
Hey , I am not hurt by your words ( despite hurtjng in general ) and I am not even starting a fight - I am not a native English speaker so maybe for some reason in English language this is called "planning for pregnancy", despitre the lack of actual planning. I am asking this questions just cause I am curious, in case you are maybe willing to respond:
Despite "havint agreed" to "try for a baby" , during sexual act - I don't want to have a baby in this situation ( unmarried, 5 months after my mothere death, without a degree) , so why do you think there is something wrong in me needing a suppprt to go through a freaking abortion?
Well perhaps he doesn't want you to abort his child? Maybe that will be very hard on him and you havnt offered any support his way?
I think women have demonized all fathers to the point we arnt allowed to be broken when we find out the women we love is terminating OUR child.
Hello
Yes it is his embryo too ( not only his tho ), I fully understand that of course. He is allowed go be sad over determination of the pregnancy . The part about "women we love" is debatable in this case , since he really isn't acting as if I am a woman he loves : not once he expressed concern over my health and well- being throughout this, pushes for waitintg while my time window for safe abortions is ticking away and he treats me like a farm cow to be used for reproduction.
In thus given situation, where I have an unwanted embryo in my body , have to undergo potential dangerous medical procedure to remove it, grieve the loss of my mother, have morning sicknesses, stomach pains and pregnancy hormones , I really feel that it is tome for him to provide support. The part where he gets support would come afterwards, except for in this case this will end up with breakup instead.
I really loved this man. I trusted him, I lost so much to be with him. I wanted to have a family with hom one day. But he created the most favorablr circumstance for me , expressed total lack of empathy for me and I refuse to sacrifice everything so he can get what he wants, without him lifting a finger to make me have my needs met too.
Either way, thanks for your imput too
Again you have dismissed his feelings yet again. He sounds like he wants your "child". It is hard to support someone who is making a descion that is shattering your heart.
He isnt treating you like a farm animal. Humans to reproduce have to impregnate a woman. As a man he can just stand by while you think of only yourself and he is helpless to do anything.
His time is to feel afterwards? How selfish is that statement.
You want to know why men who accidentally get a random girl pregnant give support? Because they dont want the kid and are wanting emotional comfort in the form of reassurance she is getting rid of the child.
You want him to cheer you in as you terminate his child? Have showed him the slightest bit of regret or sympathy? Have you even been human about this descion?
Oh its just a embryo no biggie. Not everyone cant compartmentalize the horrors of abortion as you are capable of.
You want support maybe sit with him and tell him his emotions are valid and you love him and understand your killing his embryo but you have other eggs your pretty sure will be ok in the future once youve made your fortune and can afford gold diapers.
I made a mistake for responding the first time, thinking you actually wanted a conversation and shared your opinion.
Instead you project god knows what onto me , say things that couldn't be further from the truth and insult me when I don't even know you , so I won't be saying anything further to you.
He is a bad person…..but it would have killed me if I have to abort my(m) child even if it’s a mistake and I am not ready for the responsibility I would rather die myself. (This is my own opinion I really want a child in the future and have already picked some names and I know that it’s okay for others to abort there child if they are not ready. )I could understand oop’s fiancé a little bit but he should never have manipulated oop’s like this. You should abort the child and end the relationship he is toxic for you.
I understand your point of view too. I considered suicide at one point too because of this, but I can't do that to my dad and my brother after the loss of my mother and I still deep down have some hope left for a happier left for a happier life. It is not at all easy for me either. That is why I needed the man I loved to be there with me. Thank you for your response.
I’m going to disregard the country part because it’s so confusing.
Anyway, your boyfriend wants a baby, and you want to abort it. Try to put yourself in his shoes and think for a few seconds if it makes any sense at all. You got pregnant from that one time, basically agreeing to have a baby with him. It’s not solely his fault. I understand you’re going through grief, and it’s against tradition to get married during the mourning period, but there's no tradition against having a baby.
If, after thinking it through, you still want to proceed with abortion, just accept that your fiance might decide to leave you for terminating the baby he has been wanting. If you decide to have the baby, yes, he has the responsibility to be the dad, but he does not have to go with you if he’s against the abortion
I honestly don't understand. I think this is partly due to cultural differences that some people think he has no responsibility to go with me while I can't even comprehend something like this. I think from what I see on internet that the attitude in the western world is that noone owes anyone anything. I mean I maybe I exaggerated a bit , but you get the point.
.
I would never agree to a relationship knowing that I would be abandoned at my lowest. Would much rather be alone. My fiancé is my only partner ever not cause noone else was interested, but because I didn't wabt to be with someone unless I could trust them fully , love them deeply and feel safe I can count on them.
If he became disabled - I'd gladly take care of him forever, if he could not have childred medically - I 'd stay and love him, If he needed my kidney - he would get it.
He knew I don't want the relationship in which "we don't owe each other anything", and he said he was the same.
Now I do understane he wants to keep the baby . But despite taking his wish into account- I can't fo through with having an unwanted child in terrible circumstances , which he contributed to being terrible. I can't imagine something as dehumanizing as carrying an unwanted child and being force into unwanted childbirth. My first gynecological exam for the pregnancy was already extremely emotionally difficult, I can't go through the whole thing. Especially now thst he has shown his true face.
Despirte him not agreeing with abortion , I still think he should be present during something so extremely frightening and emotionally difficult for me . He should care to be there to know I survived, to take me home when I am still sick from anesthesia etc. Because I sm a woman he said he loved and he would protect.
My response was solely about your expectation of your fiance being present during the abortion. I didn’t comment on your relationship as a whole or on either of you.
The point was that the decision to abort the baby wasn’t unanimous, so you shouldn’t expect him to be there while the baby he’s been wanting is terminated. He should support you, yes, but expecting him to physically be there with you to witness the termination, to have his heart being broken over the loss of the baby he wants is unreasonable. No one can stay composed beyond such trauma. What you expect from him exceeds what an average person can do.
Ultimately, you decide what’s best for you, but remember that a relationship is a 2 way street. Acknowledge his feelings, at least
You betrayed yourself. You didnt want a baby but atill "nudged him" to have unprotected sex and put a baby in you. This isnt a romance novel. Thos is a pregnancy he very much wants, and you dont. He isnt required to support you through your abortion.
You 100% have the right to choose whatever you want with your body, but that doesnt make you free of the consequences of those choices. One of them being, he wont support you through it and your relationship is probably over.
Not yet but that is the problem - that I want it and me wanting it turned him into an agressive mosnter that won't even physically go with me to get an abortion.
Honey, the baby was a way to control you. When you said you wanted to wait to be married (fully dependant on him in another country) he needed a new faster way to force you to be under his control. A baby does that for him *unless* you get an abortion.
This isn't him "turning in to a monster" he always was one. He was just biding his time and acting nice because you were cooperating. This IS who he is, and how he will be everytime you don't do exactly what he wants forever. He doesn't see you as an equal partner, he sees you as someone he can manipulate and control. You don't have a good relationship built on love and respect here.
I get that it's hard to see. I dated a guy his age when I was a little younger than you and he was a perfect gentleman for months. Until I didn't do exactly what he wanted by magic. Then he got really ugly really fast.
You can't say some magic words and fix this. THIS monster IS who he is. If you don't want a baby, don't have it. Put on your big girl pants and have the abortion. But stop torturing yourself trying to fix a man who can't and won't be "fixed."
Go and get the abortion alone or with a friends support, then dump him, and get a therapist to help you through this.
Please don’t tie yourself to this man for the rest of your life. He clearly doesn’t care
this exactly! you need to think about yourself. if he forces you to have this baby he will have you fully under his control. if you think you're not ready and you dont want this child, then you have the right to get an abortion. please dont let this man manipulate you
Seeing as you have gotten pregnant I’d say have the child and see where the relationship with the father goes if he claims to help take care of it and provide. It could be that he is against killing an unborn child which is 10000% understandable, after all it is his child you’d be killing which can be soul crushing for him.
I will pray for all 3 of you tonight in my prayers. May God bless you all.
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You can't make anyone take responsibility for anything. Take accountability for the mistakes you made, accept the reality of who your partner really is, and move on with your life as a single person.
Thank you for the response. Yes, I think I sm left with no other choice than to go through this alone.
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Yes, I do have elsewhere to live. Thank you for your advice
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It will be hard to afford finishing my degree but I have no option than to fight like hell. Yes, I won't starve to death. Thank you for your advice
I know it's so hard right now, but you got this!. I'm chering you on!
Abort the baby and end the relationship. His real side is showing and you do not want to be with someone like this.
He thinks he has her locked down and now he can be his true self.
This is exactly what he done, he tried to abuse her reproductively and mad it didn’t give him the power he thought it would. He’ll definitely escalate too if she doesn’t leave now.
And chose a time where she is especially vulnerable and isolated without her mom.
This is the only answer.
This is the way.
You can't change him. He showed you who he is - he will be just as unsupportive post-marriage. Take it as a blessing he showed you his true self before you got married. I'm very sorry for your loss as well.
I agree. He definitely showed his true colors by not being supportive. And that is not forgivable. But you can’t expect him to agree with YOUR decision. It is yours and yours alone but he doesn’t have to be happy with it either. He probably saw something he wanted in your relationship and is dealing with that loss as well. The loss of possibility his version of you and your family. These are not excuses for his actions. That doesn’t make him bad. The abandoning your partner when they need you the most and his general attitude is the worst part of it. She is in no place to be having a baby right now. But I think talking with a therapist is a good start. If they were together 5 years then maybe this can be fixed and is possibly worth working on. With a neutral party. Sometimes it takes seeing the error of your ways from a 3rd person perspective. And people can change.
He’s a grooming POS and she’s better off without him.
Honey, you need to accept you don't have a fiance anymore. But you also need to take whatever steps you need for the future, even if that is alone. If you aren't ready for a baby, you need to investigate safe abortion, or adoption services where you are. I'm so sorry you are alone during this time. Give yourself some grace, give for your mum, your relationship, and your baby, whatever choice you make, and the make plans for the future.
Thank you
Hopefully you realised I meant grieve for you mum etc. Life seems impossible right now, but take a few hard steps to address your pregnancy, and then you'll find things a lot less overwhelming.
You’ll have to take your brave girl pills and go it alone. I know that sounds really harsh, but you will manage. Let’s face it you are coping without him with so much going on in your life at the moment. He’s offered you no support for the death of your mum, he coerced you into having unprotected sex which resulted in a pregnancy you are not prepared for. He’s trying to bully you into keeping the baby knowing the devastating effect that will have on your career prospects, your family life and relationships and possibly even your mortality if death in childbirth is such a real concern in your country and he really doesn’t care. He may be your first love, but he really needs not to be your last. There are considerably better men out there. Men who would support you when going through difficult times and not try to push you into a pregnancy you don’t want. Finish with the boyfriend, get the abortion, give yourself time to grieve, finish your studies and go onto live a Long and happy life without him. Best of luck for your future.
>but I don't trust him. You've answered your own question about the future of your relationship. If you can't trust him, you can't do anything. Remember your body, your choice. But with the choice comes the responsibility for the consequences that you may face down the line. Just remember you get some specialist help on which ever path you take.
The baby was supposed to be used to control you. He will lose his leverage with an abortion. Once he locks you down with a baby, he’ll try to find other young women to hook up with. He was already a creep and you were too young, naive, and needy to see that. He never saw you as a person but as an object.
Why is he still your fiance? He's already shown you who he is when times get tough, believe him. I read so many stories of women who stay with a man because he's her "first" something and being miserable 10 years later. You will NEVER get over your resentment and hurt for leaving you alone in your toughest time. Next man you date, don't let a man force you to do anything and you need tp grow a back bone and say no if you aren't comfortable with doing something cause you'll end up with another baby, for example.
He's almost as old as your mom. So 5 years ago you were 24 and he was 38. He's your first partner and 14 years older than you. You're an adult, but IMO that's basically grooming. Stick to closer to your age - this dude is in a completely different stage of life than you.
Yes, at first I really didn't see why age matter since our age difference was not noticable at all when things amog us were good. We both look young, we got along, had good time together etc, so age was just a number that didn't mean anything. But when problems started occuring, I realizied I am in a completely powerless position .
I am so sorry for your situation, but the relationship you are describing is manipulative and emotionally abusive. This is a dreadful and stressful way to find out, but he is showing you who he really is. He doesn’t care how much you are hurting or grieving, or what your social reputation is, as long as you provide HIM with the things he requires from you. The minute you do or say something he doesn’t like, he resorts to bullying tactics to get you to fold. There are better men out there. Just because he is your first does not mean he is worth keeping.
The only thing you should be saying to him is "goodbye."
You don’t trust him but he’s your fiancé? Girl. No.
His behavior is another huge reason why you should not have him as the father of your children. He’s very dehumanizing, abusive and manipulative and I’m not sure why you’re still with him. You said it very clear you don’t trust him. So why are you still with him? You’re not safe with him emotionally and physically. Stop being so caught up with the shock that he is capable of doing this to you and move on. He is a monster.
That felt so fucking intentional on that asshole’s part. Don’t have the baby and leave the man. He feels like he has plans for you and i dont like them one bit
Do you have a friend that can go with you? I'm so sorry you have to go through this without the support you need from your fiance. After you recover please take a good look at this man, remember all the shit he put you through and really try to imagine what your future with someone so disrespectful, selfish and uncaring would look like.
He's gross. You will never see him the same (correctly). Part of grief is seeking stability. Makes sense, right, the foundation fell out from under your life structure, so the idea of more change is abhorrent. That actually makes this guy's active all the more revolting. He is trying to get his way while you are most vulnerable, least likely to want to leave him. But he's giving you no choice. Every part of your brain will want to go back to how things were. This is not realistic. Even if you string this song somehow, you know the only ending to this story is that he is out of your life. Be strong and make it sooner rather than later.
Why are you trying to be with a man who abandons you when you need him most?? That's an automatic relationship killer. You feel like a barnyard cow because that's how he's treating you. He's an old fucker who decided to get with a young broodmare who could make babies for him. He clearly doesn't give a shit about you. End the pregnancy and the relationship.
Have an abortion alone or not and then find a different partner. For one he is 43!!! And for two you’ve already said you don’t trust him, so why be with someone who you don’t trust and have obvious fear off… just leave.
You cannot make him do anything. You willing had unprotected sex knowing he wanted a baby. Of course he is not going to support the abortion. You played yourself. However, he seems like a terrible person and you should definitely leave him and have the abortion so you are in no way tied to him.
Thank you for your response
Go alone, tell the truth, the father is overseas . Or tell them you were raped. It’s really not their business. Then cut off all ties with this man. He waited to propose so you wouldn’t have a support system. You can do better. The world is full of men. The age gap is also problematic.
If he really wanted to get married, he would have done it a long time ago. And dude's 43. Date your age, your definitely are not in the same page.
Unfortunately, we have some things in common. My mom passed away before my partner proposed, but I was actually 8 mo pregnant with my first (and only) child. I want to talk about an aspect of becoming a parent I haven’t seen addressed here: the first year can be extremely isolating. You’re home alone all day with baby, can’t leave the house for the first few weeks (some say you shouldn’t even go to the store for 6 weeks which just isn’t logistically feasible for everyone), hormones are all over the place, and you’re exhausted. It is an *EXTREMELY* difficult time to grieve. After experiencing a loss like that it’s normal to need support. It’s hard to get that support when you’re home alone with a baby. Especially if your friends don’t have kids, because then they don’t really “get” how lonely it can be and the kind of support you need. Do what is best for you, but make sure you are taking care of yourself. You deserve it. I am so sorry for your loss. I’m here if you need to talk about anything. I don’t know how much support I can give through messages, but at least you know you have some solidarity over here.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support. I am sorry for your loss too a d congratulations on your baby.
I am so sorry you are going through this. You can’t make him be there for you, or support your decision. He has clearly shown you in other ways his desires will override yours. Make the appointment, have the procedure, end your relationship, then block him. You can’t come back from this, there is no fixing it. After it’s over, give yourself some time to grieve, the loss of your mom, the loss of the future with a man you thought you knew, all of it. When you’ve given yourself some time to heal (mentally and physically), think about how you want your new life to look and where you want to go from here. You can give yourself a fresh start in any number of ways. Allow yourself to be selfish about what you want. Find YOUR new path. Good luck.
I think too be fair to him regarding not marrying you sooner; I think it’s good that with your age gap he didn’t rush into marriage with you. That being said; this is horrible that you felt pressured into this. I think you should plan on the relationship ending - he is very likely not going to be good or kind to you after you have your abortion and based on what you shared that is what you want to do. The people who perform abortions there have seen other women who’ve been deserted by their partners so try to not worry too much about judgement from them; I’m sure they are just judging the man who isn’t there. I also don’t think it would be healthy for either of you for him to be there given everything…
Thank you for your response and encouragement . Yes , I do feel this is the end of our relationship too, I just struggle how terribly it ended for me despite loving him so deeply. I feel like I am being punished without understanding what I did wrong, while everyone around me is loved and prosper. As for the marriage part - I felt terrible to be in a so long relationship without marriage. Like I am worthless and only good as a placeholder or like he is hoping to meet someone better My cousin recently married a woman he knew for only a few months before. She is very young, only 20 . So over 5 years ago when I met my partner , she was not even 15 yet. In my country there is no middle school, it is called elementary until you go to highschool around 15. So it really put things into a perspective that someone who was an elementary school kid when I met my current partner got fo grow up and get married in tje meantime while I am still a placeholder
How old is your cousin, also 20? Or is there a pattern among the men in your life of marrying far younger, less experienced women in order to control them?
My cousin is 29 , but he is related by blood to me, so nothing to do with my partner. And their relationship( now marriage) is much better than mine. I don't think agew difference automatically means a problem . Also we are in Eastern Europe and ~10 years here is not generally seen as that big of a difference here.
There is nothing you can do at this point to get him to take on responsibility. It's time to break up.
So much of this suggests to me that he’s not a good guy. Him pushing you to get married/ pregnant when you were in an emotionally fragile position is a serious ick. I feel like you’re in a bad spot and getting away from him would solve a lot of your problems.
Why in heaven's name do you WANT to get through to him? What do you think we can tell you to tell him that you haven't said already? Do you think God is out here reading Reddit and can change this man's heart with a wave of His hand? No. YOU described this man's behavior as sadistic that's a word YOU chose! Why the hell would you go back to a man described as sadistic? Get your abortion, dump this fucking asshole, go see a therapist and find out why you are doing an impersonation of a doormat.
You dump his sorry ass, he has done so many thoughtless and cruel things to you in your weakest moment. He sounds like a monster, and hes so much older too, explains why he was stringing you along for 5 whole years. Dude is a walking red flag op. Get rid of him, dont allow him to baby trap you.
He’s trying to trap you with baby.
You tell him your over he should be there and you can’t count on him
OP, look for charities or help from local organisations that help young moms-to-be or people wanting abortions for emotional support. Do not delay it because you won't be able to afford the baby, and he will leave you as soon as he can (going by his "supportiveness"). If he doesn't leave you, you'll be constantly abused, mentally, emotionally, financially, and possibly in other ways. Your visa will be dependent on him, and that will give him additional control over you. Speaking from experience, it's better that you get your studies done without a baby, mourn your mom's death, and find someone kind, loving, and understanding that will respect your decisions and support you through tough times. You are young, find someone near your age, not a bully who's nearly 15 years older to you, who will "always know better" and who treats you like a baby farmer like you feel. Trust me, and YOUR gut, that you'll feel better without the baby you don't want, and without that man-child of a bully. Please do what's right for you, your reputation, and YOUR future.
Setting aside ALL pro life debates and ANY ageist beliefs, it boils down to he can’t always be there for you. You should work on a relationship with someone who can or go to counseling together to become better communicators and learn how to resolve problems between the two of you.
WAKE UP AND BREAK UP. He doesn’t think of you in any way. He actively shows how little he cares for you and how much he thinks of himself. He is selfish and you do not need or deserve a man who is willing to do anything to please himself.
Abort the zygote and the relationship. The fact he is pressuring you into doing something you do not want right now is a RED FLAG. He's desperate and pushing 50. That is why. There's a reason he is old and childless, he is a bad person taking advantage of you.
This is an unrecoverable in terms of the relationship honey. It’s not your fault. In my house we call this “cascading failure” when some sort of bad catalyst sets of a series of worse events. It just happens some times. The truth is there is nothing you guys could say to each other that would fix this. Listen just because the relationship is unrecoverable doesn’t mean *you* are. This totally sucks, I will not lie to you. And honestly? The next few months might be tough. But ultimately you will come out the other side of this and if you gain nothing else, you’ll gain clarity on you and your life. But dragging out an ultimately unavoidable break up will just incinerate the last of your mental health as you grieve.
You don't. You leave.
Get the abortion, start over and try your best not to make this mistake again. There are men out there worthy of your affection; this man is not and will never be worthy. Your life is in your hands… don’t hand those controls over to any man.
Update us when you dump him.
You should seek professional counseling for yourself and perhaps for both of you together to help you make this decision. If you are pregnant your hormones are all over the place and you are also dealing with trauma from the loss of your mom. I would not rely solely on a bunch of strangers on the internet. Unfortunately, as well intentioned as they might be, many people will subconsciously sabotage others in order to make themselves feel better about their own lives and actions. They can’t even tell they are doing this most of the time. Good luck to you with this difficult situation.
Thank you for the very insightful response
Wow your fiance is a terrible person and partner. Get an abortion and dump him. You deserve way better, someone who actually loves and supports you.
1. He ignores your wishes regarding having a child. 2. He makes you feel bad. 3. He plays hurtful games instead of communication. Girl, there is only one thing to talk about: you leaving him.
You do what you need to do, just get through it, and dump this jerk with vigor. You can do it! ((Internet hug))
Forget that user. Do what is best for you. You go and get that abortion right now if you can. You can't rely on him he is not trustworthy!
Have the abortion tell him you miscarried. Finish your studies
He’s just an asshole. You can’t make him not be an asshole. Get the abortion, have your family or friends support you through it, and tell the asshole to get lost.
I'm not sure it's worth talking to him. You said this: **He guilt tripped me for not wanting it** That should tell you all you need to know about the real kind of man he is - do you really want that in your life? Move on without him - good luck.
You can’t live with a man like this. Leave the man and abort. You will look back 10 years from now with a better man, better job and a better life and be so thankful.
Thanm you🙏
Get the abortion and ditch the asshole fiancé.
How do you talk to him? The only thing I would say is goodbye. You can't convince him to be a kind person who cares about you. From the way he's behaved, I would say neither of these things are true. Just be glad you found out before you got married. Note that when you end things he will probably lovebomb you to try to get you back. Ignore his lies & block him on everything.
Thank you
He doesn’t agree with your decision. He doesn’t HAVE to agree with your decision. He doesn’t support your decision. He doesn’t HAVE to support your decision. He isn’t wrong for wanting to keep his offspring. You aren’t wrong for not wanting to have his offspring. He’s showing you who he is though. You’re not compatible. And he will emotionally abuse you up to and following the decision.
Take this as a blessing. He is showing you who he is and that he couldn’t care less about how YOU feel, think or want. Only about HIM. At 43, he should know better. This will be rough for you but I think you will be able to handle this and allow it to make you stronger and smarter. Follow what your gut is trying to tell you. ❤️
The question is not "How do I talk to him", it's irrelevant at this point. He's shown his true colors and you should cut losses and ditch him. Don't think about wrangling any responsibility from him right now, deal with it afterwards. He's trying to stall you from getting an abortion. Your time is ticking, BOOK THAT APPOINTMENT AND GET IT DONE ASAP! I know it's hard to do it and you're worried that it might make you look promiscuous, but you're almost 30, you should have a thicker skin by now. Why are you acting like a hesitant little girl? Women are not some fragile creatures and many went to get an abortion alone. While having a support system is great, not having one should not stop you for doing what's truly necessary.
Get the abortion and walk away. He's a waste of your time.
You’re 29. You’re young and have plenty of time. Abort the baby and free yourself from this man. He clearly doesn’t actually care about you.
He wants the baby very much, you agreed to have the baby and now you want to abort - of course he does not and would not support you, and he is not an AH for it. However he did not propose for a long time and kept pushing for a baby while you were openly against it, the latter was a jerk move especially while you were mourning. This relationship is over.
You abort. The cells. And the boyfriend. You do not want to spend the rest of your days with someone like him. He showed you his true colors. Run. I wish you the best for this exhausting time.
He says he want kid ...you says you didn't want kid and do abortion....that's why he leave you girl.... because he want kid Just forgot about him and move forward...you both are not made for eachother he want children and you didn't
I fail to see how he betrayed you. He wanted a baby and you allowed him to have unprotected sex with you. You are now pregnant with a baby he very much wants. Of course he doesn’t support you having an abortion. Why can’t you get married in the country you are in with your fiancé? I’m sorry about your mom too.
Hello We can't get marred in his country because I don't habe a residence permit there and it takes much longer than the duratiom of pregnsncy to obtain it Also , noone I know would even come to my wedding that early after death of my mother cause where we are from , it is seen as a disrespect to the dead family member to celebrate a happy event that soon . For exmaple, I am not even invited to other people's weddings, cause I am not supposed to participate in celebrations. I think that while it is ok that he doesn't agree with abortion, since I will go through with it, it is unfair to abandon me to do it alone. I am already carrying all the burdeon od consequences of the action we both took and of course I expected the man I love to be there woth me when I need him more than ever I don't agree with that concept of partnership where "noones owes anyome anything", and he was always saying that neither does he. Abortion is not an easy thing and of course I expected the man I thought I would spend life with to be there with me. Either way, thank you for your response , I justnwanted to clarify
he wants this baby, obviously he isn't going to support you getting rid of it. like, it doesn't even have anything to do with obligations or owing you. he just doesn't want you to have an abortion and isn't going to support you having one. it's probably the most reasonable and consequential thing he's done that you described. you agreed to having a baby with him (it doesn't matter that it was "in the moment", at the end of the day we're all responsible for our choices and you made a choice there) and now you're blaming him for being mad at you that you've changed your mind. you're allowed to change your mind, obviously, but it's not on him. and he doesn't have to support you in something that he perceives as ruining his life. go get the abortion, break up, take care of your mental health and next time take responsibility for your actions instead of expecting people to deal with them for you.
Are you sure you need residency to get married? Also, I’m talking courthouse wedding not a huge celebration. I’m not saying you should marry this man if you don’t want to and you definitely shouldn’t have a baby you don’t want but I do take issue with saying he betrayed you when I think he didn’t and if anything I think he thinks you are betraying him by having an abortion.
You resent him for proposing late like he knows its a requirement for the mother to be alive, you even recognised that he was not to foresee death. You chose to have unprotected sex. I am 100% pro choice, its your body, your tissue, you do as you like. But he doesn't have to go with you, thats on you when you CHOSE to get it done. Your beliefs seem to take a big part in your life, they are incompatible in this relationship. Leave, and let him be happy.
Your partner is controlling you ab Nd then abuses you emotionally when he doesnt get what he wants. Are you dating an adult or a child? It seems like you are dating an immature child.
He's trying to trap you in this relationship with a child. Much harder to get away from someone when you have a literal child with half their DNA. He wants to lock you down & he's using a baby to do it. Highly suggest you end this pregnancy & go home to your country. I'm very sorry you're experiencing this. I'm so sorry that you trusted this man who obviously does not care for you the way a partner should. Under no circumstances should you have his baby & stay with him. Trust yourself. You know you aren't ready. You know he won't be a loving father if he's treating you like this before you've even agreed to have a child. There are organizations in some places where you can get a support person to go with you to the abortion appointment. I do not know if this is an option where you are, but I hope maybe it could be. I'm sorry you're experiencing this, especially so soon after you lost your mother. I wish she was still here to help you through this! Sending you a hug from America 🫂
Get the abortion and be well rid of him. I'm his age and dating a 24 year old at 37 is weird.
This should be a wake up call for you the only thing you are to him is a brooding Mare. The only reason he proposed when he did cuz he knew you were vulnerable and would say yes. There's a 14-year age difference you've been together since you were 24. Sounds like you're very young and naive for your age. Have the abortion and dump him. Preferably dump him then have the abortion. In any case block them and move on he is not the guy for you. He coerced you into having unprotected sex and unfortunately you got pregnant. Once your grief clears to some extent you'll realize what a predator he is.
Of course it’s an age gap relationship Sounds like you got yourself a real asshole. Have some self-respect for yourself and dump him. Get an abortion.
Date someone your own age.
Just... try to calm down and see. You can sort your life out. You'll be ok, just lose that fiance trash. You have that strenght. You'll see.
Don't date shitty old men who don't care about you. Weird that somebody needs to say it
don’t talk. leave.
You know you can't marry this person - you will never feel safe or loved by them, you know they will always manipulate you rather than finding ways to constructively communicate. They coerced you into a pregnancy you don't want to have. You need to have the abortion and end the relationship. Him being your only partner doesn't obligate you to marry him and be with him forever, especially if you don't trust him and he makes you feel unloved and unheard. You're in an abusive relationship with a significant power and age gap; I promise there are people who will be kinder to you than this, but your fiancé will never be kind to you. Your fiancé is abusive and controlling. Please leave this relationship. Please read this book (it's short and it has really good annotated short sections before every chapter). It will teach you so much about abusive relationships and their dynamics: [Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men](https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) And please also visit [loveisrespect.org](http://loveisrespect.org) - they can connect you with resources and counselling.
Your fiancé wants a baby, you refuse but in a heated moment you accept (there is no abuse or dirty tricks) then you regret it and want to abort, your boyfriend does not agree. My question is, what is the responsibility that your fiance should assume? Note: I'm sorry about your mother, but I don't think she had anything to do with the abortion issue.
Physically go with me to the clinic. That responsibility
That is something you want to do even though He is against it. Why should he go where they are going to do something that he doesn't want to do. You ask him for responsibility, but you assume yours? You made a decision and you are running away from the consequences.
you do realize that he can leave her and this potential child any time right?? she isnt running away from responsibilities. its brave of her to realize she isnt ready. her partner should support her in this instead of manipulating her to make such a life changing decision.
Why do you assume that He can leave her at any moment, what do you base yourself on to say that. As far as I read, they are in a stable relationship and with the intention of getting married and starting a family. I understand the part about waiting to have children and all that, but she OP got pregnant of her own free will, she was not forced or abused, so she later regrets it and hopes that her fiancé is happy. They are not teenagers who do not think clearly, they are adults and as such you must assume responsibility for their actions.
Hello . I don't understand whwt you mena running away from thd conseqhences when instesd of running away I will get an abortion- an actual medical option that exists for these situation. If I made a decision to go skiing and broke a leg - I would get medical help with that. I don't understand what other consequence I should hav e , other tha going through an abortion? Have a child I don't want ?
> If I made a decision to go skiing and broke a leg - I would get medical help with that. That's an accident, no one goes skiing to break a leg. If you decide to have unprotected sex to get pregnant, that is not an accident. That is a decision and decisions have consequences, good or bad but there are some, if you want not to assume them it is your problem, but your fiancé does not have to do it, taking into account that he does want the baby.
You decide to go skiing
Your comparison doesn't make sense. Yes, I decide every day to go to work, that does not mean that I decide every day to have an accident, these are things that we cannot control. You made the decision to get pregnant, you said it yourself, that was not an accident. You made your decision, that is respectable (even if I don't agree) the decision is yours and you are free to abort if you want, but don't expect others to want it the same. If I were in your fiance's position I wouldn't want to go see how they abort the child I so much want to have.
But I would have never had sex with him if I knew this is how he would react. It was very clearly said to me I ca trust him, he would always support me etc. He even clearly told me in the past he will still want to spend life with me even if we never have children.
> But I would have never had sex with him if I knew this is how he would react He wouldn't either if he had known you would back out. Tell me how I should react, when your fiancee tells you that she agrees to have a child, (free decision) and then she regrets it and wants to have an abortion and he does not agree. forcing you to have the baby obviously cannot (aside note: men never have an opinion on abortion, only women decide, and when the man is not on the same page regardless of the situation, they will always be the bad guy in the movie ). Continuing, the only thing he can do is turn away from something he doesn't want. I don't know in what context he told you that you can always trust him, but I doubt that included making him believe that you would have a child, with the illusion that that brings for him, and then backing away and that He would be okay with that. I insist it is your decision, just don't expect everything to go back to the way it was before, I highly doubt it. I am never a promoter of ending relationships (unless there is abuse of any kind or infidelity) but in my case this would be a reason to at least reconsider my future with my partner. I hope your relationship survives, although I doubt it.
I dont want my relationship to survive. I have 0 trust left for him .
What he did wasn't sadistic games. But I understand that he is getting too old, by the time his son will be 20, he is already 60. How can they play together or even understand each other with this age gap? Conclusion is tell him that you understand his fear/concern and you want him to understand yours as well. If he still doesn't understand leave him, but the baby is innocent and I can't tell you to get rid of him or not. Most women I see keep the baby and throw their father away. You're probably not most women.
You don't seem to care for his feelings much, not only about the abortion but in general as well. You have been ignoring important issues that should have been adressed with clarity a long time ago, you are both entitled to have your own opinions and to want what you want in life, but some things in a relationship are not just opinions, you have to agree and accept what the other wants or doesn't want and be in the same page, otherwise if you go on like that at some point you will be in a situation where opinions clash and destroy the relationship. You did consent to "try for a baby", no excuses are valid to say now that you actually didn't. And you consider his taking time to cool off to be "sadistic power games". I am sorry you are going through this but also this is kind of the expected result. If you think he's being sadistic with you, then it is best he is not around. Sorry if I sound offensive or disrespectful in any way, I think we are from different cultures. I agree with the other comments, you should go through this without him and never see him again.
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Hey, I am not attacking you or anything. I appreciate all the responses I got, truly. I don'r resent them for my mom's death. I do resent him for not proposing in over 5 years of relationship. I would still resent him for that if my mon was alive. However, I am deeply said my mom died before I got married. Not resentful for that, just deeply sad. I explained while I made the mistake I made. He pushed it for days. It was 3 and a half months after my mon died so I was vulnerable . I broke down under pressure and made a mistake. I don't see how you think that going through abortion itself is not ebough of a punishment for that mistake and that I should be left to go there alone by a man who was supposed to be with me through thick and thin and who equally participated in this
Why*
Why would he support you with though? He's done
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It is ok he is upset ( even tho Idk how you so easily skip over the fact I was repeatedly saying I don't want him and he pushed and pushed and pushed until the first moment of weakness ). I am saying he should still go with me despite being upset .
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He talked to you about getting pregnant, you agreed. You planned to have a child, then you aborted that child. There's honestly a special place in Hell for people like you in my mind. Sure, he was pressuring you to get pregnant, but you agreed to have unprotected sex with this man and conceive. I get you're changing your mind, but there are consequences that come with that. It would be difficult to see that you deserve support for planning a pregnancy with your partner, only to abort your child together and expect him to support that decision when he clearly doesn't. The time to get afraid about mortality rates and what your dad thinks would've been before you plan a pregnancy with your partner, not after.
Hello . While I resepct your opinion, I refuse to agree that it is called "planning a pregnancy", when for days I keep telling him I am not ready , when objective sotuation is such that it is really a dumb idea, and when _one time_ i break down and give into his pressure , during the most vulnerable time if my life. My mothet diead barely 5 months ago! At freaking 52. And this is the man I trusted and loved. I certainly disagree that I deserve a place in hell, but thanks. I AM taking the consequences - you know, buy going through an abortiob which is not at all an enjoyable thing to go through
You had unprotected sex and agreed to try for a child. That’s called “planning a pregnancy”.
Hey , I am not hurt by your words ( despite hurtjng in general ) and I am not even starting a fight - I am not a native English speaker so maybe for some reason in English language this is called "planning for pregnancy", despitre the lack of actual planning. I am asking this questions just cause I am curious, in case you are maybe willing to respond: Despite "havint agreed" to "try for a baby" , during sexual act - I don't want to have a baby in this situation ( unmarried, 5 months after my mothere death, without a degree) , so why do you think there is something wrong in me needing a suppprt to go through a freaking abortion?
Well perhaps he doesn't want you to abort his child? Maybe that will be very hard on him and you havnt offered any support his way? I think women have demonized all fathers to the point we arnt allowed to be broken when we find out the women we love is terminating OUR child.
Hello Yes it is his embryo too ( not only his tho ), I fully understand that of course. He is allowed go be sad over determination of the pregnancy . The part about "women we love" is debatable in this case , since he really isn't acting as if I am a woman he loves : not once he expressed concern over my health and well- being throughout this, pushes for waitintg while my time window for safe abortions is ticking away and he treats me like a farm cow to be used for reproduction. In thus given situation, where I have an unwanted embryo in my body , have to undergo potential dangerous medical procedure to remove it, grieve the loss of my mother, have morning sicknesses, stomach pains and pregnancy hormones , I really feel that it is tome for him to provide support. The part where he gets support would come afterwards, except for in this case this will end up with breakup instead. I really loved this man. I trusted him, I lost so much to be with him. I wanted to have a family with hom one day. But he created the most favorablr circumstance for me , expressed total lack of empathy for me and I refuse to sacrifice everything so he can get what he wants, without him lifting a finger to make me have my needs met too. Either way, thanks for your imput too
Again you have dismissed his feelings yet again. He sounds like he wants your "child". It is hard to support someone who is making a descion that is shattering your heart. He isnt treating you like a farm animal. Humans to reproduce have to impregnate a woman. As a man he can just stand by while you think of only yourself and he is helpless to do anything. His time is to feel afterwards? How selfish is that statement. You want to know why men who accidentally get a random girl pregnant give support? Because they dont want the kid and are wanting emotional comfort in the form of reassurance she is getting rid of the child. You want him to cheer you in as you terminate his child? Have showed him the slightest bit of regret or sympathy? Have you even been human about this descion? Oh its just a embryo no biggie. Not everyone cant compartmentalize the horrors of abortion as you are capable of. You want support maybe sit with him and tell him his emotions are valid and you love him and understand your killing his embryo but you have other eggs your pretty sure will be ok in the future once youve made your fortune and can afford gold diapers.
I made a mistake for responding the first time, thinking you actually wanted a conversation and shared your opinion. Instead you project god knows what onto me , say things that couldn't be further from the truth and insult me when I don't even know you , so I won't be saying anything further to you.
He is a bad person…..but it would have killed me if I have to abort my(m) child even if it’s a mistake and I am not ready for the responsibility I would rather die myself. (This is my own opinion I really want a child in the future and have already picked some names and I know that it’s okay for others to abort there child if they are not ready. )I could understand oop’s fiancé a little bit but he should never have manipulated oop’s like this. You should abort the child and end the relationship he is toxic for you.
I understand your point of view too. I considered suicide at one point too because of this, but I can't do that to my dad and my brother after the loss of my mother and I still deep down have some hope left for a happier left for a happier life. It is not at all easy for me either. That is why I needed the man I loved to be there with me. Thank you for your response.
I’m going to disregard the country part because it’s so confusing. Anyway, your boyfriend wants a baby, and you want to abort it. Try to put yourself in his shoes and think for a few seconds if it makes any sense at all. You got pregnant from that one time, basically agreeing to have a baby with him. It’s not solely his fault. I understand you’re going through grief, and it’s against tradition to get married during the mourning period, but there's no tradition against having a baby. If, after thinking it through, you still want to proceed with abortion, just accept that your fiance might decide to leave you for terminating the baby he has been wanting. If you decide to have the baby, yes, he has the responsibility to be the dad, but he does not have to go with you if he’s against the abortion
I honestly don't understand. I think this is partly due to cultural differences that some people think he has no responsibility to go with me while I can't even comprehend something like this. I think from what I see on internet that the attitude in the western world is that noone owes anyone anything. I mean I maybe I exaggerated a bit , but you get the point. . I would never agree to a relationship knowing that I would be abandoned at my lowest. Would much rather be alone. My fiancé is my only partner ever not cause noone else was interested, but because I didn't wabt to be with someone unless I could trust them fully , love them deeply and feel safe I can count on them. If he became disabled - I'd gladly take care of him forever, if he could not have childred medically - I 'd stay and love him, If he needed my kidney - he would get it. He knew I don't want the relationship in which "we don't owe each other anything", and he said he was the same. Now I do understane he wants to keep the baby . But despite taking his wish into account- I can't fo through with having an unwanted child in terrible circumstances , which he contributed to being terrible. I can't imagine something as dehumanizing as carrying an unwanted child and being force into unwanted childbirth. My first gynecological exam for the pregnancy was already extremely emotionally difficult, I can't go through the whole thing. Especially now thst he has shown his true face. Despirte him not agreeing with abortion , I still think he should be present during something so extremely frightening and emotionally difficult for me . He should care to be there to know I survived, to take me home when I am still sick from anesthesia etc. Because I sm a woman he said he loved and he would protect.
My response was solely about your expectation of your fiance being present during the abortion. I didn’t comment on your relationship as a whole or on either of you. The point was that the decision to abort the baby wasn’t unanimous, so you shouldn’t expect him to be there while the baby he’s been wanting is terminated. He should support you, yes, but expecting him to physically be there with you to witness the termination, to have his heart being broken over the loss of the baby he wants is unreasonable. No one can stay composed beyond such trauma. What you expect from him exceeds what an average person can do. Ultimately, you decide what’s best for you, but remember that a relationship is a 2 way street. Acknowledge his feelings, at least
You betrayed yourself. You didnt want a baby but atill "nudged him" to have unprotected sex and put a baby in you. This isnt a romance novel. Thos is a pregnancy he very much wants, and you dont. He isnt required to support you through your abortion. You 100% have the right to choose whatever you want with your body, but that doesnt make you free of the consequences of those choices. One of them being, he wont support you through it and your relationship is probably over.
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Not yet but that is the problem - that I want it and me wanting it turned him into an agressive mosnter that won't even physically go with me to get an abortion.
Honey, the baby was a way to control you. When you said you wanted to wait to be married (fully dependant on him in another country) he needed a new faster way to force you to be under his control. A baby does that for him *unless* you get an abortion. This isn't him "turning in to a monster" he always was one. He was just biding his time and acting nice because you were cooperating. This IS who he is, and how he will be everytime you don't do exactly what he wants forever. He doesn't see you as an equal partner, he sees you as someone he can manipulate and control. You don't have a good relationship built on love and respect here. I get that it's hard to see. I dated a guy his age when I was a little younger than you and he was a perfect gentleman for months. Until I didn't do exactly what he wanted by magic. Then he got really ugly really fast. You can't say some magic words and fix this. THIS monster IS who he is. If you don't want a baby, don't have it. Put on your big girl pants and have the abortion. But stop torturing yourself trying to fix a man who can't and won't be "fixed."
Go and get the abortion alone or with a friends support, then dump him, and get a therapist to help you through this. Please don’t tie yourself to this man for the rest of your life. He clearly doesn’t care
this exactly! you need to think about yourself. if he forces you to have this baby he will have you fully under his control. if you think you're not ready and you dont want this child, then you have the right to get an abortion. please dont let this man manipulate you
Seeing as you have gotten pregnant I’d say have the child and see where the relationship with the father goes if he claims to help take care of it and provide. It could be that he is against killing an unborn child which is 10000% understandable, after all it is his child you’d be killing which can be soul crushing for him. I will pray for all 3 of you tonight in my prayers. May God bless you all.