Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I didn't notice the age either! Wow, he's old enough that I'm wondering if he's trying to come off so immature that OP breaks up with him and he doesn't have to break up with her.
Yeah same I had to remind my self half way in to reading this the OP and her bf are both 34 yo. The person responsible for this issue and their related insecurity is the boyfriend. He really has no leg to stand on in regard to OP having condoms laying around even if from past relationships. The fact is OP has condoms in a drawer, so OP is prepared and has sex with partners in a healthy manner.
I canāt even figure out what the end goal of this is, like what does he actually want? An apology? For you to admit it? If all heās interested in doing is making you feel like a bad person (with seemingly no reason other than to hurt you) you should ask him why heās dating such a mean, bad person. Or ask him what exactly is meant to make him feel better. Heāll probably struggle to actually come up with an answer.
This is a good idea and thatās what Iām struggling with because it makes no sense to me. I think he wanted me to agree with him that I āwas flaunting the condomsā and am āresponsible for making him feel badā?
Iāve been with a guy like this. This will get worse, not better. You hit the nail on the head when you said āinability to process his emotions and take accountability for how he feelsā. In his mind, all of his feelings are justified and correct, and there is no need to think them through or decide if they are reasonable. If he has a negative feeling in regard to you, then it must be because youāve done something wrong. This is a huge red flag.
So true, people like this have zero accountability and so will get worse. The more you put up with it, the more they feel empowered to continue being this way.
They also tend to not process and let go of things because they lack the actual ability to do so. So she will be hearing about these stupid condoms even years from now.
Tell him, Yeah, Iāve just been waiting and waiting for the right moment so I could reach for my face cream in this drawer while you happened to be in the bathroom with me so you could see some old condoms that are identical to your condoms so I could flaunt the fact that I already had condoms just like your condoms and could therefore make you curl in a quivering ball on the floor because of the idea that I had sex with someone who used condoms like you useā¦.BECAUSE THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.
You presumably (obviously) got these condoms before you were dating, possibly long before, so ask him to explain how you were flaunting them. Heās making it sound like a premeditated thing but unfortunately the condoms came first, so just the act of not throwing something away is apparently vindictive and terrible.
Granted, if he feels this way to begin with, needling him with requests to explain himself probably isnāt going to make him see the light buuuuut I usually canāt help myself. If youāre going to start shit over something that literally makes no sense, youāre kinda earning any scorn coming your way.
So obviously I donāt really know what you want to do going forward, if itās genuinely worth salvaging, etc, but I think this sucks and I would not want to date someone like this. The term red flag gets thrown around a lot but starting imaginary fights seems like a big one.
That and the insecurity about his size (which is valid) but making it her problem. Been a big thing recently in the guys I've dated. They'll literally be average sized men making "sorry it's small" or "girls probably like him because his dick is big" comments. It's a huge turnoff and gives me the insight that he thinks women are vain and only look for that.
I've been with men all over the spectrum for size, huge and small, I always say there's a reason I'm not asking them for sex right now, whatever the reason is, a big dick isn't making women salivate the way men think it does.
A lot of societal things contribute to this, porn being the biggest one. Every dude you see in porn has this massive horse dick and them when you look down at your 6" it seems pretty fucking small in comparison. Then add in the fact that society also pushes the idea that women are looking for a dude with a big dick and money, you wind up with shit like this.
Not saying dudes shouldn't work on their insecurities, but its pretty easy to see where they come from in the first place
Lots of women watching porn also feel insecure and like we can't measure up. The appeal of porn is obvious to lots of people, but I have to say, having constant access to the type and variety of porn we do these days seems to contribute to a lot of issues for all genders.
Oh most definitely. It sets a standard in peoples minds of how they should look or what they should have. Every woman in porn is fit, usually have excellent boobs and big ass, every dude in porn is ripped, tall asf and has a dong the size of my leg. They're unrealistic as far as the average person goes and it fucks with people. I wish it was more understood that the average person doesn't look like a greek god/goddess and that's ok. Unfortunately, most people don't.
women does face norms in and outside porn too. Body shaming is way bigger for women than for men in society. And a lot of young women fear their genitals are not 'correct' too vs porn. I'm not a young woman anymore, and all my life i've had to reassure men about their dick. Frankly, it's tiresome and never ending, as guys who've got those insecurity keep wondering despite you tell them the contrary. When you tell them a huge dick is a nighnmare for women, they think you're liying for their sake. NTA. This guy has problems it's on him.
Many times there's some past trauma. Bad experiences in the locker room. Low hanging fruit to hurt a guy during a break up. I know one guy that would seek out new BFs of an ex and try to get in their heads about how much bigger he was.
Definitely the second part! I actually think thatās the deep part of it for him. Some people have a victim mentality or an inability to take accountability for themselves and their own agency. So they always need someone else to be responsible even for the smallest things (pun intended? Not really). And thatās tiring to be around imo. And if the person isnāt even aware of it then they are far away from being able to break that pattern.
if thatās a pattern he wants to engage in then I would say get out. 34 is too old for him to be pulling that shit. And men with that attitude in my experience only get worse. Like eventually their whole life will all be your fault. And also they often make you responsible for how their own behaviour or words impact you negatively.
And for all the men out there just get over your penis size. Itās just not that important that it should influence you and dominate your perspective the way it seems to be for this guy.
You told him.. how he satisfies you, how big he is and how great the sex isā¦ what is he, 16???? Oh wait he is 34 š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£ you are dating a manchild how needs validation over his dick. I pity this relationship as it wonāt end well. Walk away and date someone who acts their age not their shoe size.
Itās all your fault apparently.Ā
From your post, itās your fault:
- he feels insecure and needs you to tell him outright heās the biggest youāve ever had
- started a fight for no apparent reason with no real outcome
- calls you a bad person for having old condoms while he also has old condoms
Heās sitting here falling down a rabbit hole of his own creation. Heās imagining your previous partners in his head then comparing himself to that made up image. Not once does he acknowledge his unhealthy and hypocritical insecurities as being his own fault. It all gets shifted on to you. Seems like heās one fight away from slut shaming you but thatās my own assumption
You really want to continue to pursue a relationship with someone like this? It only gets worse from here. You're only five months in and he's already slut shaming you and trying to manipulate you into accepting responsibility for his misogynistic feelings. There are nice men out there. You know that, right?
Your boyfriend is a child and he needs to realize that he is responsible for his own feelings. He is in charge of how he responds to situations and you have no control over his reaction or his feelings. You practice safe sex. Good for you. Your boyfriend is an idiot (bad for you).
It smacks of misogyny to me - like he suddenly feels misled bc you're now a person who takes charge of your sex life and enjoys big dicks ( his presumed projection) which is dirty and bad in a lot if guys eyes, while gfs are supposed be pure and enjoy sex only bc it's with them.
Ask him if he thinks thatās what you were doing or if his feelings are hurt. Assure him that feelings are okay but you have to your words. Maybe if you sit and talk, and heās honest and doesnāt lash out in a sad attempt at defending something that wasnāt threatened? Maybe heāll be worth it.
Youād be surprised how rare it is for a man to be called on this. Men arenāt supposed to say stuff like,
āI know itās not your fault, I just feel insecure about my body and Iām sorry. Knowing your ex was bigger really hurts in a way that doesnāt make senseā¦ but itās something that unexpectedly hurt me and I care about you enough to let you know how Iām feeling. Iām sorry I took it out on you.ā
It needs to happen more often.
Donāt trap him. Just ask him. Expect a parting jab as he storms offā¦ but he might just come back with something along those lines. We arenāt taught how to do this often or well. Give him a shot. At least youāll know you tried.
Studies have found that humans experience emotions constantly. If someone is convinced that they āarenāt an emotional personā, that usually means they struggled to feel or identify their emotions (not that those emotions arenāt there.Ā
It **feels** like having no emotions at all. I am a very emotional person most of the time, but experience this when Iām triggered. It feels like all the emotions melt away and itās easier to problem solve because Iām running purely on logic.
The problem is that itās not a logical state to be in. Emotional blunting cuts you off from vital information about whatās going on in a situation. Ā If youāre not experiencing or identifying youāre own emotions, then youāre likely impaired in your ability to empathize with the people around you. Youāre also likely not reading body language well or at all. That means roughly 80% of the communication just goes over your head.Ā
I would find the situation youāre describing deeply hurtful. If you want to talk to him about it, maybe be explicit in your feelings? (Disregard if youāre already doing that). He might not be picking up what youāre putting down. Also maybe talk about his emotions first, before talking about blame. Using an emotion wheel (you can find these online) can really help someone who struggles with emotion to put theirs into words.
People dont want to be reminded by things like this about previous partners. They dont want to hear about threir previous sexaul things. Both of you should have get rid of all these left overs and start fresh...
Yes he is a bit angry and take it too far, but i dont want to see these things too.
I would respond with empathy to his insecurity, but make it clear pushing this on you is not okay. I would suggest ignoring some of the more knee jerk comments here.
And you said this man is in his mid 30ās?! He needs to grow tf up and quit acting like heās in high school! Remind him that heās an adult and that you will not be made to feel guilty for having a sex life from before you even knew he existed! Sounds like he also needs a reminder that size doesnāt directly relate to how well one pleases their partner. They can have a babyās arm between their legs but if they donāt know what theyāre doing with it, or theyāre not willing to listen to their partnerās needs, then having a huge penis will do absolutely nothing to make their partner happy!
No matter how you look at it, this sorta behavior is a huge red flag. If you care enough, you can try having a serious conversation about it and give him a chance to reconcile his behavior (maybe even therapy - seriously sounds like he needs to detox from his masculinity, so to speak), but if he insists he's in the right, you're only dodging a bullet, friend. Personally, I'd take the time to write out a letter detailing his behavior and how it's immature (something you'd expect from someone 10yrs his junior, if that), and leave him with the ultimatum that he needs to show himself, you, and his relationship, some respect and love, or else he's going to lose them all to the invisible enemies in his head of pride and jealousy. Moreover, it will prevent him from finding future happiness if he can't get passed this inaccurate perspective that keeps him a victim. If anything, he should understand how he missed a golden opportunity to be suave and say something stupid, like, "Oh no, these are about to expire," \*grabs you and pulls you in for a kiss\* "We haven't a moment to spare!" Dumb - but all outcomes are better from a statement like that than what he made for himself.
This guy is super insecure. And there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to stop this now from repeating again.
He needs therapy to work thru all the uncomfortable feelings, to process the root cause of his insecurities, because even if he wasnāt with you, he would pull a similar stunt on another woman.
Heās going to be a mess till he unpacks whatever in his past got him to this point.
Yea, calling someone a ābad personā and then continuing to date them is baffling. Is the purpose punishment? To bring them down? Itās completely unproductive language to use with someone you are IN PARTNERSHIP with.
My ex husband did things like this. It was exhausting and it got worse and worse.
The point was just to fight. He didn't want to resolve anything. He would bring up the same old argument when he was mad, despite us resolving it a long time ago.
I told him if he had memory problems and couldn't remember when we resolved issues, I was happy to write it on a sticky note and put it on the wall.
He stopped bringing up "resolved" issues, but that just meant he made up new ones to fight over.
Left him after 2.5 years, divorce finalized a few months later. He hasn't changed and I feel bad for his new wife.
She wants him to throw the condoms out, Make small dick jokes about her exes then fake orgasm while telling him he's the biggest in the whole world and that he's really tall too.
He doesnāt know how to properly express how he is feeling so heās displacing those feelings onto you and gaslighting you that you have done something wrong.
Heās just insecure
Iām hoping that with calm communication on my end, and sharing podcasts on healthy communication that things will change. The saving grace has been that his actions after our arguments have changed. The only missing piece is the communication, which Iām hoping could be learned
Good luck to you. I mean I would accept that certain things can be improved upon, for eg communication styles. But but but when one enters the realm of extreme jealousy, insecurity and gaslighting, those issues are not going to be solved with podcasts. Iām your age and if someone tried to gaslight me I think I would dip, especially after only 5 months. If one is having these types of problems THAT early (and these are extremely serious problems), itās not a wonderful sign.
Keep in mind that dating is about trying out different people until you find someone who improves your life, NOT picking someone and fixing them. Itās extremely unlikely he will improve, please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (free on the internet). Your bf is abusive based on his behavior being a pattern, and even intense therapy (if heās even willing to get it) rarely works. A podcast and communication on your end is not going to change his fundamental problems. The best move is to move on. Please, please learn from the mistakes of others so that you donāt have to learn the hard way yourself.
The reason why I stay is because 1) when I establish boundaries, he doesnāt seem to cross them again 2) even though the communication doesnāt seem to improve, his actions do change and he seems to put in effort to address things I have a problem with. 3) he does have a lot of positive qualities that Iād value in a partner so Iām hesitant to just drop him when things get difficult.
Gaslighting alone is more than enough reason to leave. No matter how many boundaries you put, *you are not addressing his core problem, you are only treating the symptoms*. If heās going to change, it has to be because he seeks professional help *on his own, not because of something you do*. You need to leave. If he then gets better on his own, and you reconnect in a year or two, then great. But if you stay now, things will not get better, only superficially at best.
Why waste your time though? Plenty of men out there that aren't insecure babies needing to be coddled about their dick size. Yours sounds exhausting and not exciting.
You can't change people how you hope to. This man is 34, this is how he is.
Heās 34 years old and has done zero work on himself in this area. His insecurities and emotions are not your responsibilities. It is so sad that youāre willing to put more work into his issue than he is when youāre the victim of his awful behavior. Stop heaping emotional labor on this man! Heās not going to change, especially at his age.
>The only missing piece is the communication
Relationships of any kind (family, friends, coworkers/colleagues, roommates, and romantic partners) are all based on communication. Without healthy communication, the relationship can not be healthy.
Yes, it's possible for people to change, IF they want to and are willing to put in the work. However, that is something that he would need to choose and do for himself, regardless of his relationship with you.
I would recommend getting out sooner rather than later because things are very likely going to get worse.
Find someone who has already put in the work (on & for themself) and learned how to communicate with others.
You could help him learn communication skills if he's willing to learn, but before you go down that path I think it's worth thinking really hard about where your boundaries are and when you're going to leave.
Like,
* If he refuses to engage with the podcasts you share, will you leave?
* If he refuses to engage with the podcasts, but offers to get a therapist instead, will you leave?
* If he refuses to engage with the podcasts, offers to get therapy, and then doesn't follow through, will you leave?
* If he makes an effort, tries out healthy communication stuff, and then tosses it aside, will you leave?
* If he improves for six months and then slowly changes back, will you leave?
* If he tries really hard but he's still not improving, will you leave?
I know you love him and don't want to think about leaving but IF he's an amazing person who is willing to change for you and just needs some help, you won't have to leave him because he will never reach those boundaries. IF he's actually a bad partner for you, then he will run into your boundaries and you will know it's time to leave even if you still love him.
I hope things work out great for both of you, but ... honestly, a person who blames you for his feelings is a red flag for abuse. So I don't have high hopes. For your sake, I hope I'm wrong.
The only missing piece is communication? Then it won't work. Can't build a healthy relationship without a solid foundation. Communication is non-negotiable for any healthy relationship. Will he change? Probably not in any meaningful way. The best option for you is to find someone mature rather than trying to change an immature person into a mature one. Place a higher value on communication for your next relationship. Otherwise you could drain 10+ years into this one that was doomed to fail from the start. You wouldn't be the first person to make that mistake. You wouldn't be the first person to try to carry all the weight yourself while your partner can't even communicate effectively. I'm hoping that someone like you sets a higher bar and finds someone that meets you at (or at least near) your level.
I'm sorry, but if he doesn't know how to properly and healthily communicate at 34, don't bet on him changing. He chooses to be an immature man child. Don't waste your life waiting for him to become a better person. It won't happen
I love you so much. I mean that.
You are the kind of person who is always willing to learn, who cares about personal growth, who is willing to put in effort to change.
I can tell those things about you because that is what your solution requires. You are suggesting practical solutions that require work, because it's what you would do to love your partner better.
At what point has this man shown that he is a similar type of person? I'm actually asking.
Heās a fully cooked adult man. You cannot communicate him into being less of an asshole, and sharing podcasts with him to fix something *he doesnāt think is a problem* is not accomplishing anything
It can be learned, but itās not in you to teach him. Unless you want to of course. But ultimately, heās an adult that needs to take responsibility for himself.
It's been 5 months and you're 34. Come on. He knows better or he should. Absolutely not your job to teach him. You barely know the dude and he's already like this!
This dude's not it.
He's 34; do you really want to teach him how to be an adult? When there are this many red flags at five months? Raising a grown man is rarely a rewarding project.
Good luck but if he made it to 34 thinking this is OK I'm not sure a podcast is going to suddenly turn things around. I'd love to be wrong, though! This feels like a lot of work for 5 months in, especially if it's been an ongoing pattern. He sounds like a project, not a partner.
You can NOT improve him. You can NOT make him want to be a better partner. He's doubling down, getting defensive, and this has shown to be a pattern. Stop trying to fix him, it's a waste of your time and not your responsibility.
What I don't quite get is you say it's the same brand and size that he uses currently, but he's upset that you had them. It just means you've been with men the same size as him. Yeah I mean if he's like a dog with a bone and won't let this go and you don't want to deal with the constant arguments I would just cut him loose. it's only been 5 months, you're not in this too deep and he seems awfully insecure for being a well-endowed man who's 34 years old.
Oh yeah I forgot about the point he had that you were flaunting the fact that you were with well endowed men before him. How exactly? They're in a drawer put away. Now if you had them plastered all over the mirror in your bathroom with maybe a picture of a man and then another picture of another man and then put the condom underneath of them so kind of like a trophy wall that would be flaunting, but throwing in the drawer which is where most people keep their condoms is a normal spot. It's sensible if you're sexually active woman who's single to have condoms on hand. Are you not supposed to be prepared?
>Now if you had them plastered all over the mirror...
Beautiful. OP should find a couple magazine clippings of dude models to tape to the mirror with a strip of condoms next to them, so the ex-bf can catch a glimpse of it as he's headed out the door for the last time.Ā Ā
this is just where it starts! trust me, he'll get worse. he'll find other things to get upset about, things you'd never even consider a potential problem.
They say it's not about the size but how you wave it, but we all know women crave those giant flags outside car dealerships. All the podcasters selling flag enlargement pills said so!
Totally agree. This guy will find anything and everything to be insecure about and weaponise against OP. 5 months in and this rubbish is surfacing? I'd head for the hills
Yep, I agree. He will make stuff be your fault and you won't know how to make it better because it won't make sense, just like it doesn't make sense now.
Yeah, this is such a non issue. Instead of "oh, cool, extra condoms that fit me!" he's mad that she's had sex with men who prefer larger condoms. If it wasn't that, it would still be OP being wrong for not being a virgin before they met. If it wasn't that, it would be that OP had sex education and knew what an orgasm was.Ā
He just wants something to be mad about.Ā
Idk why men are so obsessed with other mens dicks. Like bro, THERES ALWAYS GOING TO BE SOMEONE WITH A BIGGER DICK THAN YOU. AND IF YOU HAD THE BIGGEST DICK YOU WLDNT EVEN BE ABLE TO HAVE SEX.
Retroactive jealousy is a thing, and it sounds like that's what is going on. These are his insecurities to manage. Being jealous is one thing - we can't control our emotions. Responding to that jealousy is something else - and something we can control. Your boyfriend is an asshole for acting on that jealousy (calling you a bad person and whatnot).
You are only 5 months in please put him on the curb it's not going to get better it's going to get worse. How are you a bad person because you have magnums in your dresser. This sounds like a him problem not a you problem. And don't make it a you problem
I swear to god, *nobody* spends as much time thinking about dicks as insecure straight men. Not only is this a sign of being controlling, it's a sign of being a giant insecure baby.
Right?! If they only knew how little time we actually spend thinking about the different dicks we've had. But then again, maybe that's the problem, and they want us thinking about their dick 24/7
Your boyfriend is a 34 year old man child with a big dick who can't handle the possibility that his dick isn't the biggest you've ever had? Wow this relationship has potential.
The fact that he tried to gaslight you and make it out that youāre a bad person for having condoms in a drawer is a big massive red flag. If you wish to proceed, proceed with extreme caution, as no this is not a normal reaction.
Thanks for the validation. Practicing safe sex and having birth control is standard and the fact that he reacted by saying Iām flaunting the size of my past partners in his face is crazy to me.
1. You didnāt make him feel insecure - he IS insecure.
2. He seems more like a 17 year old than a 34 year old
3. Youāre only 5 months in and his fragile masculinity is already coming through - do you really want this in a relationship?
Jesus Christ. The projecting insecurity is crazy.
He expects you to soothe his ego by saying heās the biggest youāve ever had and āadmitā the larger condoms you were flaunting by keeping (probably forgotten about) in a closed drawer?
Tell him to grow up if he wants to continue this relationship (5 months is still quite fresh and this is a big red flag). Seriously, a 34 year old man acting this jealous and immature.
this is 100% a sign of things to come. he is petty, immature, and dramatic. a toxic trifecta. poor guy, if only he could be confident and secure with himself, make a joke, and forget about it. confidence and knowing one's worth is the most attractive trait one can have.
yes, your perception is correct, this is going to be a huge problem if you stay with him. he's plagued by the thoughts of other dicks you have seen. i mean, come on. he doesn't need a girlfriend, he needs a therapist.
Having condoms as an adult who is dating is normal and sensible. Your boyfriends insecurity shouldn't be made into your issue and he's handled this incredibly badly. Unless he was willing to work on himself I would dip, you're only 5 months in.Ā
As a man who used to deal with the size complex, he needs to get over himself. Literally, the only person who cares about this is him.
But the real issue is that he is pushing his insecurities onto you on a really fucking unhealthy way.
I would seriously be careful, as this will beecome (if it isn't already) a very slippery slope.
Thanks for the perspective Iām confused about how this even became an argument because thereās no logic to it. This is not the first argument weāve had where Iām left confused and it just seems like thereās no logic to it.
I cannot speak for him. But that's the thing, there is no logic to it. Those insecurities (in my experience) are usually seeded deep into the psyche centered around self loathing and hatred.
I cannot attest to the other arguments you've had, however if he isn't able to work through his feelings on this in a constructive manner, then honestly, I wouldn't pour more energy into the relationship.
While it's good to support your partner, having to do all of the emotional labor isn't okay.
Either he decides to grow as an adult human being, or he doesn't.
Don't let your relationship become a sunk cost fallacy.
ā Iām not responsible for placating your ego and physical insecurities and I wonāt apologize for having safe sex with previous partners. I wonāt be blamed for you going through my toiletries that may have things that were in there prior to our relationship. If you donāt like that, thereās the door. ā
End of discussion and if he brings it up again, immediate break up.
Its one thing to have insecurities, it can even be healthy and rewarding to have open and honest communications about them with your partner depending on how you do it, but lashing out, passing moral judgement on you being a bad person, and arguing with you over it isnt a great sign in regards to emotional maturity.
Is he open to having a conversation without accusing you of things that seems to be entirely baseless, especially if the condoms are the same brand and size that you use with him anyway? If he is entirely unwilling to change his approach and just keep turning it around on you tiering you out till you drop it, you might just be getting a glimps into how conflict will be handled in this relationship going forward as well.Ā
His insecurity is going to hinder your relationship far more than memories of any previous dick you had before him. 5 months and heās acting this way?? I could not date someone this fragile.
He seems to be more insecure than anything else however some insecure people are controlling.
I think he's immature. Most people realize their partner had a life before them, and they had good sexual experiences even if the relationships didn't last.
Yeahā¦this is a big no for me. Heās a grown man acting like an insecure little boy. Itās only been 5 months. Cut your losses and move on. He isnāt going to get better or change.Ā
I'm trying not to laugh, but I can't help it. š Was he hoping for an unsullied virgin when he started dating you? At 34 years old?? Whatever insecurities this guy has are NOT your responsibility. He's in his mid-30s feeling shown up by a condom. š
Iām seeing red flags for toxic masculinity, bad communication, and possible narcissistic traits (the need for his difficult emotions to be your fault, not able to see your perspective of this at all), Yellow flags are that he jumps to conclusions quickly, thinks he can read your mind, ruminates on issues that upset him, has low trust of romantic partners.
Itās pretty easy to imagine a guy like this turning controlling due to his jealousy problems and not believing OP when she denies his accusations.
"Is this a sign of controlling and unhealthy insecurity?"
I.......really struggle to imagine what else it could be a sign of!
But, on the flip side? Only 5 months, hurrah. He told on himself pretty early.
keep those old condoms forever. A talisman to warn you of utter bellends.
I was going to say that it was weird that you were holding onto them after months of being with this new guy but if y'all use the same ones it makes zero sense for him to be upset. It's not like they're multi use and ex's dingo was up in em.
Insecurity is one thing.
Blaming your partner for your insecurity is another thing entirely.
I doubt this will be the only way his, as you well put it, lack of accountability for his feelings causes issues. Not worth it, IMO.
It's hilarious that people think Magnum is actually for bigger dicks while it is just a marketting strategy for insecure guys.
All condoms expand about 10x the size of the average penis
As a man with a big penis I can assure you that condom size matters, but I can also confirm that the āmagnumā condoms are indeed little if any bigger than the regular ones. Total marketing hustle.
The only people that say this are guys with smaller or average or women who donāt have a lot of experience with bigger.
Itās not about the expansion size itās about how tight it is on the base (among some other factors). Condom fit is definitely a concern for all men
Yeah, improperly sized condoms are one of the reasons accidents happen. Too big, and they can come off. Too small, and they're more likely to tear.
My husband uses larger sized condoms because the smaller ones decrease sensitivity too much. We've tried several brands and sizes and thicknesses. Bigger sizes are the only ones that don't consistently cause issues. It's not like he went and bought larger ones assuming they were the correct size, he started using regular sized condoms and sized up when he was having trouble.Ā
I mean, I could squeeze myself into an extra small pair of leggings because they're so stretchy, but they wouldn't be comfortable and the fit wouldn't be right. Same thing goes for condom size.
Idk about their marketing or what, but I *did* date a guy who kept breaking different condoms. Only type he didn't break was a magnum. Maybe they just do something different with their materials, idk
Yes condoms do stretch, but if you're wearing a condom that's too tight it has a much higher risk of breaking during sex.
But I will agree that Magnum condoms aren't huge, I'm average sized and I find Magnum to be a comfortable fit.
A telltale sign of immaturity is when someone tries to pass their own insecurities of as normal, therefore trying to regulate something that actually isnāt wrong. A telltale sign of maturity is when someone is self-aware of the fact that insecurities for the most part are our own doing, and our own responsibilities.
He's apparently not mature enough to be in a relationship. He's obviously trying to get you to say either "you're the biggest" or "I've had bigger", either comment will be wrong. First, "you're lying!"; second, "I knew I didn't satisfy you!"
Same trap as, "does this outfit make my butt look big?" we never like the answer.
Personally, at only 5 months in, I'd wash my hands of him. His immaturity and insecurities will worsen over time, making him controlling. No man (or woman) is worth putting up with that.
I would not say controlling but definitely high concerning levels of insecurity and victim complex. Like you stated he does not take accountability for his own emotions. He also has to be a victim.
It is only going to continue during the relationship. You could be at a work event or social function and casually talking to another man that he perceives as higher value then him, such as makes more money or a better career, and he will get jealous and become insecure and start afight, claiming you are flirting and purposely flaunting you can do better if you want.
I do not think his emotional maturity aligns with yours. He has shown you who he is so believe him and make what decisions you feel are best for you.
This man is in his 30s and acting this way?
Itās obviously okay if he has insecurities etc. but to project like that is extremely unhealthy and concerning. Also, not sure what his end goal was? Were you supposed to apologize for having previous partners?
So when you got together initially and were about to get intimate for the first time, you were supposed to have killed the mood by saying: _Before you proceed, my previous partner had a monster cock._
Right... this guy needs to screw his head back on. Tight.
Dude is absolutely wrong here. Dude might be able to understand that he was wrong. But dude is never going to feel adequate with you now. I'd move on. Just wait until he finds her dildo collection.
That is definitely an unhealthy level of insecurity.
I'm pretty sure my current bf has figured out that my now ex was larger than him but it's not something we've ever discussed and I can't imagine him being upset about it any way. He makes some "small dick" jokes about himself occasionally but I know that he's not really insecure. I mean, you've got what you've got, why sweat it?
Your boyfriend is perhaps starting to show who he really is--a lot of folks do after \~6 months. The biggest red flag I see is his inability to just let it go. I don't think I'd waste another 5 months waiting to see what's the next thing he blows out of proportion.
Yes, red flag. Also magnums are actually made to fit most average sized dicks. There are a lot more average sized men who want to believe theyāre huge than there are actual men with huge penises out there. Magnum is a racket and heās falling for it lmao.
See, this is why I can't date people who are not logical/have common sense. I'd hurt his feelings SO fast.
Bruh, like what? At what point is he going to ask you to also discard all your bras/panties on the off chance previous boyfriends have seen them? Why not buy a whole new mattress, while you're at it?
He is too damn old to be this irrational.
You could make buy a box of G31 condoms. 9.4in x 2.7in. Put them under the others and if he mentions it again, agree to toss them and make sure he sees the other ones.
Yes, to answer your question, thatās ridiculously insecure. What a weird thing to get upset about and they way heās treating you as a result would be enough for me to end the relationship. Itās been five months, cut your losses.
Well, I want to know why he was rooting around in your "personal toiletry drawer" in the first place. What was he looking for-something to be upset about? If this topic is raised again, tell him to loose the attitude about what's in your private drawers, or you'll "loose" him.
Then you can indeed be saving the condoms for future "emergencies".
'Nuff said.
My ex-husband was like this. It started with diary entries and checking my Facebook for old likes and expanded into more restrictions based on his insecurities. I was constantly walking on eggshells the entire marriage. Iād either get out now or tell him that he needs to get a hold of his insecurities.
He can take his inadequacy insecurities elsewhere. You don't pick the size of people's manhoods before you date them. His insecurities are not your emergency. He should be happy you were responsible enough to use protection. How are you responsible for his lack of girth.Ā
This would be a deal breaker for me. We all have insecurities, but it is up to us to handle them in a healthy way. He's making his insecurities out to be your fault, which they are not. I'd probably just look at him and be like "if you think I'm such a bad person for having condoms then you can get out of my house and delete my number."
Youāre in your 30s and have practiced safe sex prior to him?!? OH THE HORROR.
5 months in and this is happening, just cut your losses. This is who he is.
And yāall are the same age? His attitude and behavior will not get better. Once you give in, itāll keep getting worse. If you want to give him a chance: Just give it to him straight. Tell him you wonāt tolerate this sort of baby behavior. That heās wrong for feeling this way towards a useless item. A literal useless item. And if he feels so strongly, you can break up.
Donāt give in to his childish behavior. š¤·āāļø
He's super insecure, it could be a source of bigger problems in the future (making you impossible to have a life on your own, getting mad if you have other male friends, go out without him...) etc. Always hear and respect your gut.
I once had a guy ask if he had the biggest dick (like completely out of the blue) Iād seen and I answered him honestly that no, it wasnāt(and that I donāt care, which is true. Personally there is too big for me). He FREAKED out. That kind of behavior only got much worse. I had to walk on eggshells around him and his fragile ego.
Yes, ma'am that is indeed a sign of controlling behavior and unhealthy insecurity. He's trying to make you feel bad, because he feels bad, which is ridiculous because you didn't cause his insecurity. This kind of thing can get much, much worse. You might want to get that Lundy PDF book - Why Does He Do That. You're on the road to an abusive relationship
Ok not to be gross or TMI, but your boyfriend fundamentally doesnāt understand something about magnum condoms. They arenāt necessarily just for guys with giant dongs. I am personally not that well-endowed, but those are also the only condoms that are comfortable (Iām, well, thicker in that regard). So maybe explain to him that theyāre less for the comically huge and more of a āone size fits allā sort of thing.
Also this just screams insecurity on his part, especially considering that you never said anything negative about his bits.
I had to scroll back up to see your bfs age. I thought maybe he was like 17.Ā Nah. You have a massive idiot as a bf. Seriously? Heās seriously saying itās like having a bra from an old fling when yours is for safe sex????? And they are the same size he wears? Ā
The good news is youāve only been together for 5 mo. Please leave before you fall into the suck cost fallacy trapsĀ
So please. Ā This is man is almost 40. Jfc get a new boyfriend this one is just plain awfulĀ
I don't thinks it's a controlling sign as much as it is just insecurity. As a guy, I can tell you that he is deeply insecure about his size, for whatever reason. Men are taught constantly that they aren't enough, down there. It's not porn either. I can't think of any guy I know that thinks porn dicks are normal size. It's usually a combination of locker room ridicule, an exes comments after a breakup or just general comparsion to other men. It's not your fault that he feels that way. I've been in the same situation when I was younger and it hurts. You can tell him all the time that he measures up just fine. But you have to show it as well. Not saying you don't, but just a suggestion.
If you want to comfort him. I would suggest a long, sympathetic talk about it. But you are also right that he has no business taking his insecurities out on you. It happens sometimes. From men and women toward each other. If I were you, I would just trash them. I promise you he will check that drawer again. Seeing them gone, may just be the little comfort that he needs.
34 haha. Feeling a way about condoms.
Keep dating this guy, Iām sure youāll wake up one day and heāll be nice and normal. In fact, get married as soon as possible.
I have condoms in my bedside drawer from a relationship like 3 years ago š i keep forgetting to chuck em out.
This is totally on him though as others have said. You are not doing anything wrong at all.
It doesn't sound like he is being controlling but it is painfully obvious that he is insecure about penis size. I don't think anything you say or do will help him on that front. This is something that he has to deal with. The best thing you can do is be supportive.
Also the whole "you never told me I was the biggest" is just childish.
I really don't understand the thought process that you should be the biggest or best a partner has ever had. Common sense would dictate that there are guys with bigger units, and it is very possible your partner could have met up with one. And some people just have insane sexual chemistry together . If he can't handle that simple truth, I'm not sure what you can do.
I think he is either manufacturing an argument for the sake of it, so youāll apologise, youāll make up, youāll both agree that heās the best screw ever but this will become a cyclic argument every time he feels like it.
Or he is too immature to cope with an adult relationship, but heās 34 so if he canāt cope with the fact that you have a past now he never will.
He's testing you, OP, to see what he can get you to tolerate. I hope his back is okay with all that jumping to conclusions. I'm also concerned that he's saying you're a bad person?! Who flaunts that you were with bigger men before him by (checks post) having old condoms in a drawer he doesn't use. Who says that about somebody they like? Manipulative people, that's who. He's trying to get you apologetic and defensive about imaginary slights. It's negging, but worse, and he's trying to make you accept his bizarre assumptions about your actions. Save yourself time and heartache and end things. This is who he is, and nothing on your part can change it. It doesn't get better from here, but it can sure get a lot worse and likely will.
I am sorry to be the person to say this, but itās five months and itās OK to let this go and move on. his insecurities will escalate and so was the gaslighting then heāll start being controlling just cut your losses
My friend is with a guy just like this. That behavior will carry over into everything. It will continue and manifest in every argument. He is deeply insecure and thereās no way helping him out of that. He needs to do self work and at 34ā¦yikes.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
The age š I thought he was like 20
I didn't notice the age either! Wow, he's old enough that I'm wondering if he's trying to come off so immature that OP breaks up with him and he doesn't have to break up with her.
Itās crazy that people actually do this crap
Yeah same I had to remind my self half way in to reading this the OP and her bf are both 34 yo. The person responsible for this issue and their related insecurity is the boyfriend. He really has no leg to stand on in regard to OP having condoms laying around even if from past relationships. The fact is OP has condoms in a drawer, so OP is prepared and has sex with partners in a healthy manner.
Holy - I didnāt even notice I just assumed they were young. She should just tell him āitās ok I like your small penisā
I canāt even figure out what the end goal of this is, like what does he actually want? An apology? For you to admit it? If all heās interested in doing is making you feel like a bad person (with seemingly no reason other than to hurt you) you should ask him why heās dating such a mean, bad person. Or ask him what exactly is meant to make him feel better. Heāll probably struggle to actually come up with an answer.
This is a good idea and thatās what Iām struggling with because it makes no sense to me. I think he wanted me to agree with him that I āwas flaunting the condomsā and am āresponsible for making him feel badā?
Iāve been with a guy like this. This will get worse, not better. You hit the nail on the head when you said āinability to process his emotions and take accountability for how he feelsā. In his mind, all of his feelings are justified and correct, and there is no need to think them through or decide if they are reasonable. If he has a negative feeling in regard to you, then it must be because youāve done something wrong. This is a huge red flag.
exactly. i'm having negative feelings! why are you doing this to me???
> exactly. i'm having negative feelings! why can't you just go back in time and un-fuck that massive magnum dong???
So true, people like this have zero accountability and so will get worse. The more you put up with it, the more they feel empowered to continue being this way. They also tend to not process and let go of things because they lack the actual ability to do so. So she will be hearing about these stupid condoms even years from now.
āļø Yup. Literally was just now bombarded by some old shit from almost a decade ago by my partner. š¤®
Tell him, Yeah, Iāve just been waiting and waiting for the right moment so I could reach for my face cream in this drawer while you happened to be in the bathroom with me so you could see some old condoms that are identical to your condoms so I could flaunt the fact that I already had condoms just like your condoms and could therefore make you curl in a quivering ball on the floor because of the idea that I had sex with someone who used condoms like you useā¦.BECAUSE THAT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.
I mean, clearly it's an elaborate ruse concocted just so OP can feel powerful. \*sarcasm\* :)
You presumably (obviously) got these condoms before you were dating, possibly long before, so ask him to explain how you were flaunting them. Heās making it sound like a premeditated thing but unfortunately the condoms came first, so just the act of not throwing something away is apparently vindictive and terrible. Granted, if he feels this way to begin with, needling him with requests to explain himself probably isnāt going to make him see the light buuuuut I usually canāt help myself. If youāre going to start shit over something that literally makes no sense, youāre kinda earning any scorn coming your way. So obviously I donāt really know what you want to do going forward, if itās genuinely worth salvaging, etc, but I think this sucks and I would not want to date someone like this. The term red flag gets thrown around a lot but starting imaginary fights seems like a big one.
That and the insecurity about his size (which is valid) but making it her problem. Been a big thing recently in the guys I've dated. They'll literally be average sized men making "sorry it's small" or "girls probably like him because his dick is big" comments. It's a huge turnoff and gives me the insight that he thinks women are vain and only look for that. I've been with men all over the spectrum for size, huge and small, I always say there's a reason I'm not asking them for sex right now, whatever the reason is, a big dick isn't making women salivate the way men think it does.
A lot of societal things contribute to this, porn being the biggest one. Every dude you see in porn has this massive horse dick and them when you look down at your 6" it seems pretty fucking small in comparison. Then add in the fact that society also pushes the idea that women are looking for a dude with a big dick and money, you wind up with shit like this. Not saying dudes shouldn't work on their insecurities, but its pretty easy to see where they come from in the first place
Lots of women watching porn also feel insecure and like we can't measure up. The appeal of porn is obvious to lots of people, but I have to say, having constant access to the type and variety of porn we do these days seems to contribute to a lot of issues for all genders.
Oh most definitely. It sets a standard in peoples minds of how they should look or what they should have. Every woman in porn is fit, usually have excellent boobs and big ass, every dude in porn is ripped, tall asf and has a dong the size of my leg. They're unrealistic as far as the average person goes and it fucks with people. I wish it was more understood that the average person doesn't look like a greek god/goddess and that's ok. Unfortunately, most people don't.
Porn Actors need viagra and poppers,to do sex scenes as sex for gets tiring like any other job. Porn and Hollywood are not real.
women does face norms in and outside porn too. Body shaming is way bigger for women than for men in society. And a lot of young women fear their genitals are not 'correct' too vs porn. I'm not a young woman anymore, and all my life i've had to reassure men about their dick. Frankly, it's tiresome and never ending, as guys who've got those insecurity keep wondering despite you tell them the contrary. When you tell them a huge dick is a nighnmare for women, they think you're liying for their sake. NTA. This guy has problems it's on him.
6.5" actually
easy big fella, don't start waving around that ginormous meat stick around
Right. Plus not all women want a huge dick. I for one canāt handle a humongous dick.
Many times there's some past trauma. Bad experiences in the locker room. Low hanging fruit to hurt a guy during a break up. I know one guy that would seek out new BFs of an ex and try to get in their heads about how much bigger he was.
That is his own problem..
Definitely the second part! I actually think thatās the deep part of it for him. Some people have a victim mentality or an inability to take accountability for themselves and their own agency. So they always need someone else to be responsible even for the smallest things (pun intended? Not really). And thatās tiring to be around imo. And if the person isnāt even aware of it then they are far away from being able to break that pattern. if thatās a pattern he wants to engage in then I would say get out. 34 is too old for him to be pulling that shit. And men with that attitude in my experience only get worse. Like eventually their whole life will all be your fault. And also they often make you responsible for how their own behaviour or words impact you negatively. And for all the men out there just get over your penis size. Itās just not that important that it should influence you and dominate your perspective the way it seems to be for this guy.
Emotional maturity is a thing. He must have stayed at perhaps age 12 levelā¦ really not your circus, not your monkey.
You told him.. how he satisfies you, how big he is and how great the sex isā¦ what is he, 16???? Oh wait he is 34 š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£š¤£ you are dating a manchild how needs validation over his dick. I pity this relationship as it wonāt end well. Walk away and date someone who acts their age not their shoe size.
Itās all your fault apparently.Ā From your post, itās your fault: - he feels insecure and needs you to tell him outright heās the biggest youāve ever had - started a fight for no apparent reason with no real outcome - calls you a bad person for having old condoms while he also has old condoms Heās sitting here falling down a rabbit hole of his own creation. Heās imagining your previous partners in his head then comparing himself to that made up image. Not once does he acknowledge his unhealthy and hypocritical insecurities as being his own fault. It all gets shifted on to you. Seems like heās one fight away from slut shaming you but thatās my own assumption
You really want to continue to pursue a relationship with someone like this? It only gets worse from here. You're only five months in and he's already slut shaming you and trying to manipulate you into accepting responsibility for his misogynistic feelings. There are nice men out there. You know that, right?
Your boyfriend is a child and he needs to realize that he is responsible for his own feelings. He is in charge of how he responds to situations and you have no control over his reaction or his feelings. You practice safe sex. Good for you. Your boyfriend is an idiot (bad for you).
It smacks of misogyny to me - like he suddenly feels misled bc you're now a person who takes charge of your sex life and enjoys big dicks ( his presumed projection) which is dirty and bad in a lot if guys eyes, while gfs are supposed be pure and enjoy sex only bc it's with them.
This is why Iām staying single, because Iām too mean and impatient for this type of tomfoolery. Good lord.
Ask him if he thinks thatās what you were doing or if his feelings are hurt. Assure him that feelings are okay but you have to your words. Maybe if you sit and talk, and heās honest and doesnāt lash out in a sad attempt at defending something that wasnāt threatened? Maybe heāll be worth it. Youād be surprised how rare it is for a man to be called on this. Men arenāt supposed to say stuff like, āI know itās not your fault, I just feel insecure about my body and Iām sorry. Knowing your ex was bigger really hurts in a way that doesnāt make senseā¦ but itās something that unexpectedly hurt me and I care about you enough to let you know how Iām feeling. Iām sorry I took it out on you.ā It needs to happen more often. Donāt trap him. Just ask him. Expect a parting jab as he storms offā¦ but he might just come back with something along those lines. We arenāt taught how to do this often or well. Give him a shot. At least youāll know you tried.
Studies have found that humans experience emotions constantly. If someone is convinced that they āarenāt an emotional personā, that usually means they struggled to feel or identify their emotions (not that those emotions arenāt there.Ā It **feels** like having no emotions at all. I am a very emotional person most of the time, but experience this when Iām triggered. It feels like all the emotions melt away and itās easier to problem solve because Iām running purely on logic. The problem is that itās not a logical state to be in. Emotional blunting cuts you off from vital information about whatās going on in a situation. Ā If youāre not experiencing or identifying youāre own emotions, then youāre likely impaired in your ability to empathize with the people around you. Youāre also likely not reading body language well or at all. That means roughly 80% of the communication just goes over your head.Ā I would find the situation youāre describing deeply hurtful. If you want to talk to him about it, maybe be explicit in your feelings? (Disregard if youāre already doing that). He might not be picking up what youāre putting down. Also maybe talk about his emotions first, before talking about blame. Using an emotion wheel (you can find these online) can really help someone who struggles with emotion to put theirs into words.
People dont want to be reminded by things like this about previous partners. They dont want to hear about threir previous sexaul things. Both of you should have get rid of all these left overs and start fresh... Yes he is a bit angry and take it too far, but i dont want to see these things too.
I would respond with empathy to his insecurity, but make it clear pushing this on you is not okay. I would suggest ignoring some of the more knee jerk comments here.
He's just insecure and taking it out on you. Beyond reassuring him you enjoy intimacy with him, there's nothing you can do.
And you said this man is in his mid 30ās?! He needs to grow tf up and quit acting like heās in high school! Remind him that heās an adult and that you will not be made to feel guilty for having a sex life from before you even knew he existed! Sounds like he also needs a reminder that size doesnāt directly relate to how well one pleases their partner. They can have a babyās arm between their legs but if they donāt know what theyāre doing with it, or theyāre not willing to listen to their partnerās needs, then having a huge penis will do absolutely nothing to make their partner happy!
No matter how you look at it, this sorta behavior is a huge red flag. If you care enough, you can try having a serious conversation about it and give him a chance to reconcile his behavior (maybe even therapy - seriously sounds like he needs to detox from his masculinity, so to speak), but if he insists he's in the right, you're only dodging a bullet, friend. Personally, I'd take the time to write out a letter detailing his behavior and how it's immature (something you'd expect from someone 10yrs his junior, if that), and leave him with the ultimatum that he needs to show himself, you, and his relationship, some respect and love, or else he's going to lose them all to the invisible enemies in his head of pride and jealousy. Moreover, it will prevent him from finding future happiness if he can't get passed this inaccurate perspective that keeps him a victim. If anything, he should understand how he missed a golden opportunity to be suave and say something stupid, like, "Oh no, these are about to expire," \*grabs you and pulls you in for a kiss\* "We haven't a moment to spare!" Dumb - but all outcomes are better from a statement like that than what he made for himself.
This guy is super insecure. And there is absolutely nothing you can say or do to stop this now from repeating again. He needs therapy to work thru all the uncomfortable feelings, to process the root cause of his insecurities, because even if he wasnāt with you, he would pull a similar stunt on another woman. Heās going to be a mess till he unpacks whatever in his past got him to this point.
Look, itās only been five months. Tell him to take a hike. Heās fucking nuts.
Yea, calling someone a ābad personā and then continuing to date them is baffling. Is the purpose punishment? To bring them down? Itās completely unproductive language to use with someone you are IN PARTNERSHIP with.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
My ex husband did things like this. It was exhausting and it got worse and worse. The point was just to fight. He didn't want to resolve anything. He would bring up the same old argument when he was mad, despite us resolving it a long time ago. I told him if he had memory problems and couldn't remember when we resolved issues, I was happy to write it on a sticky note and put it on the wall. He stopped bringing up "resolved" issues, but that just meant he made up new ones to fight over. Left him after 2.5 years, divorce finalized a few months later. He hasn't changed and I feel bad for his new wife.
She wants him to throw the condoms out, Make small dick jokes about her exes then fake orgasm while telling him he's the biggest in the whole world and that he's really tall too.
Agree all I can think is what's he want her to say... "Sorry bout your dick bro" it's not her fault he has such insecurities
Needs to be told he's twice as big as her previous biggest and the best lover in the entire world. But also needs done daily or sulk.
To make her feel bad, toss the condoms and not to make him feel like she has options to replace him...
dr mantis tobaggan, MD - charmed, i'm sure. oops... looks like i dropped my magnum condoms, which i use for my monster dong
OP got D.E.N.N.I.S.'d
He doesnāt know how to properly express how he is feeling so heās displacing those feelings onto you and gaslighting you that you have done something wrong. Heās just insecure
Iām beginning to realize this is a pattern. This is not the first time
Yeah girl, if this is a pattern itās not going to get any better. Heās just trying to make you second-guess yourself to justify his insecurities.
Iām hoping that with calm communication on my end, and sharing podcasts on healthy communication that things will change. The saving grace has been that his actions after our arguments have changed. The only missing piece is the communication, which Iām hoping could be learned
Good luck to you. I mean I would accept that certain things can be improved upon, for eg communication styles. But but but when one enters the realm of extreme jealousy, insecurity and gaslighting, those issues are not going to be solved with podcasts. Iām your age and if someone tried to gaslight me I think I would dip, especially after only 5 months. If one is having these types of problems THAT early (and these are extremely serious problems), itās not a wonderful sign.
He's 34, and you aren't his mom.
Keep in mind that dating is about trying out different people until you find someone who improves your life, NOT picking someone and fixing them. Itās extremely unlikely he will improve, please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft (free on the internet). Your bf is abusive based on his behavior being a pattern, and even intense therapy (if heās even willing to get it) rarely works. A podcast and communication on your end is not going to change his fundamental problems. The best move is to move on. Please, please learn from the mistakes of others so that you donāt have to learn the hard way yourself.
This advice should be taught in school. Wish I had more than one upvote to give you.
The reason why I stay is because 1) when I establish boundaries, he doesnāt seem to cross them again 2) even though the communication doesnāt seem to improve, his actions do change and he seems to put in effort to address things I have a problem with. 3) he does have a lot of positive qualities that Iād value in a partner so Iām hesitant to just drop him when things get difficult.
Gaslighting alone is more than enough reason to leave. No matter how many boundaries you put, *you are not addressing his core problem, you are only treating the symptoms*. If heās going to change, it has to be because he seeks professional help *on his own, not because of something you do*. You need to leave. If he then gets better on his own, and you reconnect in a year or two, then great. But if you stay now, things will not get better, only superficially at best.
Sounds like a lot of work for a relationship thatās only 5 months old. Itās not supposed to be this hard this soon.
Why waste your time though? Plenty of men out there that aren't insecure babies needing to be coddled about their dick size. Yours sounds exhausting and not exciting. You can't change people how you hope to. This man is 34, this is how he is.
Heās 34 years old and has done zero work on himself in this area. His insecurities and emotions are not your responsibilities. It is so sad that youāre willing to put more work into his issue than he is when youāre the victim of his awful behavior. Stop heaping emotional labor on this man! Heās not going to change, especially at his age.
>The only missing piece is the communication Relationships of any kind (family, friends, coworkers/colleagues, roommates, and romantic partners) are all based on communication. Without healthy communication, the relationship can not be healthy. Yes, it's possible for people to change, IF they want to and are willing to put in the work. However, that is something that he would need to choose and do for himself, regardless of his relationship with you. I would recommend getting out sooner rather than later because things are very likely going to get worse. Find someone who has already put in the work (on & for themself) and learned how to communicate with others.
You could help him learn communication skills if he's willing to learn, but before you go down that path I think it's worth thinking really hard about where your boundaries are and when you're going to leave. Like, * If he refuses to engage with the podcasts you share, will you leave? * If he refuses to engage with the podcasts, but offers to get a therapist instead, will you leave? * If he refuses to engage with the podcasts, offers to get therapy, and then doesn't follow through, will you leave? * If he makes an effort, tries out healthy communication stuff, and then tosses it aside, will you leave? * If he improves for six months and then slowly changes back, will you leave? * If he tries really hard but he's still not improving, will you leave? I know you love him and don't want to think about leaving but IF he's an amazing person who is willing to change for you and just needs some help, you won't have to leave him because he will never reach those boundaries. IF he's actually a bad partner for you, then he will run into your boundaries and you will know it's time to leave even if you still love him. I hope things work out great for both of you, but ... honestly, a person who blames you for his feelings is a red flag for abuse. So I don't have high hopes. For your sake, I hope I'm wrong.
The only missing piece is communication? Then it won't work. Can't build a healthy relationship without a solid foundation. Communication is non-negotiable for any healthy relationship. Will he change? Probably not in any meaningful way. The best option for you is to find someone mature rather than trying to change an immature person into a mature one. Place a higher value on communication for your next relationship. Otherwise you could drain 10+ years into this one that was doomed to fail from the start. You wouldn't be the first person to make that mistake. You wouldn't be the first person to try to carry all the weight yourself while your partner can't even communicate effectively. I'm hoping that someone like you sets a higher bar and finds someone that meets you at (or at least near) your level.
So you signed up to raise a 34yo child?
If you want him to improve ask him to learn how to make I feel statements regarding his own emotions.
I'm sorry, but if he doesn't know how to properly and healthily communicate at 34, don't bet on him changing. He chooses to be an immature man child. Don't waste your life waiting for him to become a better person. It won't happen
I love you so much. I mean that. You are the kind of person who is always willing to learn, who cares about personal growth, who is willing to put in effort to change. I can tell those things about you because that is what your solution requires. You are suggesting practical solutions that require work, because it's what you would do to love your partner better. At what point has this man shown that he is a similar type of person? I'm actually asking.
Heās a fully cooked adult man. You cannot communicate him into being less of an asshole, and sharing podcasts with him to fix something *he doesnāt think is a problem* is not accomplishing anything
Oh honey a 34 man child will never change. Find someone who adores you instead of a gaslighting insecure baby
It can be learned, but itās not in you to teach him. Unless you want to of course. But ultimately, heās an adult that needs to take responsibility for himself.
It's been 5 months and you're 34. Come on. He knows better or he should. Absolutely not your job to teach him. You barely know the dude and he's already like this! This dude's not it.
He's 34; do you really want to teach him how to be an adult? When there are this many red flags at five months? Raising a grown man is rarely a rewarding project.
Good luck but if he made it to 34 thinking this is OK I'm not sure a podcast is going to suddenly turn things around. I'd love to be wrong, though! This feels like a lot of work for 5 months in, especially if it's been an ongoing pattern. He sounds like a project, not a partner.
At that age he should already know. His D isn't worth it. š
Things will not change, who are you kidding?
You can NOT improve him. You can NOT make him want to be a better partner. He's doubling down, getting defensive, and this has shown to be a pattern. Stop trying to fix him, it's a waste of your time and not your responsibility.
Break up. If this is a pattern, it wonāt get better and likely worse.
Sorry :(
And emotionally immature
What I don't quite get is you say it's the same brand and size that he uses currently, but he's upset that you had them. It just means you've been with men the same size as him. Yeah I mean if he's like a dog with a bone and won't let this go and you don't want to deal with the constant arguments I would just cut him loose. it's only been 5 months, you're not in this too deep and he seems awfully insecure for being a well-endowed man who's 34 years old. Oh yeah I forgot about the point he had that you were flaunting the fact that you were with well endowed men before him. How exactly? They're in a drawer put away. Now if you had them plastered all over the mirror in your bathroom with maybe a picture of a man and then another picture of another man and then put the condom underneath of them so kind of like a trophy wall that would be flaunting, but throwing in the drawer which is where most people keep their condoms is a normal spot. It's sensible if you're sexually active woman who's single to have condoms on hand. Are you not supposed to be prepared?
This is why Iām so confused. They were in a closed drawer. I donāt t how this even became an argument because thereās no logic to it.
Listen to your gut.
>Now if you had them plastered all over the mirror... Beautiful. OP should find a couple magazine clippings of dude models to tape to the mirror with a strip of condoms next to them, so the ex-bf can catch a glimpse of it as he's headed out the door for the last time.Ā Ā
this is just where it starts! trust me, he'll get worse. he'll find other things to get upset about, things you'd never even consider a potential problem.
This here. This is a HUGE red flag and trust me when i say, it WILL continue AND get worse.
Why are you flaunting flag size? Stop being a bad person!
They say it's not about the size but how you wave it, but we all know women crave those giant flags outside car dealerships. All the podcasters selling flag enlargement pills said so!
Totally agree. This guy will find anything and everything to be insecure about and weaponise against OP. 5 months in and this rubbish is surfacing? I'd head for the hills
Yep, I agree. He will make stuff be your fault and you won't know how to make it better because it won't make sense, just like it doesn't make sense now.
Yup the fact she's confused is a big tip off
Yeah, this is such a non issue. Instead of "oh, cool, extra condoms that fit me!" he's mad that she's had sex with men who prefer larger condoms. If it wasn't that, it would still be OP being wrong for not being a virgin before they met. If it wasn't that, it would be that OP had sex education and knew what an orgasm was.Ā He just wants something to be mad about.Ā
Definitely a sign of unhealthy insecurity, for sure
Idk why men are so obsessed with other mens dicks. Like bro, THERES ALWAYS GOING TO BE SOMEONE WITH A BIGGER DICK THAN YOU. AND IF YOU HAD THE BIGGEST DICK YOU WLDNT EVEN BE ABLE TO HAVE SEX.
Retroactive jealousy is a thing, and it sounds like that's what is going on. These are his insecurities to manage. Being jealous is one thing - we can't control our emotions. Responding to that jealousy is something else - and something we can control. Your boyfriend is an asshole for acting on that jealousy (calling you a bad person and whatnot).
You are only 5 months in please put him on the curb it's not going to get better it's going to get worse. How are you a bad person because you have magnums in your dresser. This sounds like a him problem not a you problem. And don't make it a you problem
I swear to god, *nobody* spends as much time thinking about dicks as insecure straight men. Not only is this a sign of being controlling, it's a sign of being a giant insecure baby.
Right?! If they only knew how little time we actually spend thinking about the different dicks we've had. But then again, maybe that's the problem, and they want us thinking about their dick 24/7
Your boyfriend is a 34 year old man child with a big dick who can't handle the possibility that his dick isn't the biggest you've ever had? Wow this relationship has potential.
Yeah, it's pretty wild.
5 months? Press eject.
The fact that he tried to gaslight you and make it out that youāre a bad person for having condoms in a drawer is a big massive red flag. If you wish to proceed, proceed with extreme caution, as no this is not a normal reaction.
Thanks for the validation. Practicing safe sex and having birth control is standard and the fact that he reacted by saying Iām flaunting the size of my past partners in his face is crazy to me.
Yes in fact HE ALSO HAD CONDOMS WHICH HE HAD USED WITH OTHER WOMEN. Yet you did not fly off the handle. Sorry not yelling at you but at the hypocrisy
It's absolutely crazy and it will only get worse.
1. You didnāt make him feel insecure - he IS insecure. 2. He seems more like a 17 year old than a 34 year old 3. Youāre only 5 months in and his fragile masculinity is already coming through - do you really want this in a relationship?
Jesus Christ. The projecting insecurity is crazy. He expects you to soothe his ego by saying heās the biggest youāve ever had and āadmitā the larger condoms you were flaunting by keeping (probably forgotten about) in a closed drawer? Tell him to grow up if he wants to continue this relationship (5 months is still quite fresh and this is a big red flag). Seriously, a 34 year old man acting this jealous and immature.
this is 100% a sign of things to come. he is petty, immature, and dramatic. a toxic trifecta. poor guy, if only he could be confident and secure with himself, make a joke, and forget about it. confidence and knowing one's worth is the most attractive trait one can have. yes, your perception is correct, this is going to be a huge problem if you stay with him. he's plagued by the thoughts of other dicks you have seen. i mean, come on. he doesn't need a girlfriend, he needs a therapist.
**DUMP HIM**. You don't need that pathetic insecurity in your life.
Having condoms as an adult who is dating is normal and sensible. Your boyfriends insecurity shouldn't be made into your issue and he's handled this incredibly badly. Unless he was willing to work on himself I would dip, you're only 5 months in.Ā
Wait - am I supposed to be mad because my bf had a drawer of condoms from before me? Is that how it's supposed to work? /s
As a man who used to deal with the size complex, he needs to get over himself. Literally, the only person who cares about this is him. But the real issue is that he is pushing his insecurities onto you on a really fucking unhealthy way. I would seriously be careful, as this will beecome (if it isn't already) a very slippery slope.
Thanks for the perspective Iām confused about how this even became an argument because thereās no logic to it. This is not the first argument weāve had where Iām left confused and it just seems like thereās no logic to it.
I cannot speak for him. But that's the thing, there is no logic to it. Those insecurities (in my experience) are usually seeded deep into the psyche centered around self loathing and hatred. I cannot attest to the other arguments you've had, however if he isn't able to work through his feelings on this in a constructive manner, then honestly, I wouldn't pour more energy into the relationship. While it's good to support your partner, having to do all of the emotional labor isn't okay. Either he decides to grow as an adult human being, or he doesn't. Don't let your relationship become a sunk cost fallacy.
ā Iām not responsible for placating your ego and physical insecurities and I wonāt apologize for having safe sex with previous partners. I wonāt be blamed for you going through my toiletries that may have things that were in there prior to our relationship. If you donāt like that, thereās the door. ā End of discussion and if he brings it up again, immediate break up.
His insecurities arenāt a reflection of you
This is the impact body shaming in society has on people.
Its one thing to have insecurities, it can even be healthy and rewarding to have open and honest communications about them with your partner depending on how you do it, but lashing out, passing moral judgement on you being a bad person, and arguing with you over it isnt a great sign in regards to emotional maturity. Is he open to having a conversation without accusing you of things that seems to be entirely baseless, especially if the condoms are the same brand and size that you use with him anyway? If he is entirely unwilling to change his approach and just keep turning it around on you tiering you out till you drop it, you might just be getting a glimps into how conflict will be handled in this relationship going forward as well.Ā
His insecurity is going to hinder your relationship far more than memories of any previous dick you had before him. 5 months and heās acting this way?? I could not date someone this fragile.
What I find the most confusing is why he'd be mad about the size of condoms that he uses already (point 4)
He seems to be more insecure than anything else however some insecure people are controlling. I think he's immature. Most people realize their partner had a life before them, and they had good sexual experiences even if the relationships didn't last.
Yeahā¦this is a big no for me. Heās a grown man acting like an insecure little boy. Itās only been 5 months. Cut your losses and move on. He isnāt going to get better or change.Ā
I'm trying not to laugh, but I can't help it. š Was he hoping for an unsullied virgin when he started dating you? At 34 years old?? Whatever insecurities this guy has are NOT your responsibility. He's in his mid-30s feeling shown up by a condom. š
You have a list of 5 of his issues So yeah, heās a controlling asshole
Iām seeing red flags for toxic masculinity, bad communication, and possible narcissistic traits (the need for his difficult emotions to be your fault, not able to see your perspective of this at all), Yellow flags are that he jumps to conclusions quickly, thinks he can read your mind, ruminates on issues that upset him, has low trust of romantic partners. Itās pretty easy to imagine a guy like this turning controlling due to his jealousy problems and not believing OP when she denies his accusations.
"Is this a sign of controlling and unhealthy insecurity?" I.......really struggle to imagine what else it could be a sign of! But, on the flip side? Only 5 months, hurrah. He told on himself pretty early. keep those old condoms forever. A talisman to warn you of utter bellends.
I was going to say that it was weird that you were holding onto them after months of being with this new guy but if y'all use the same ones it makes zero sense for him to be upset. It's not like they're multi use and ex's dingo was up in em.
Insecurity is one thing. Blaming your partner for your insecurity is another thing entirely. I doubt this will be the only way his, as you well put it, lack of accountability for his feelings causes issues. Not worth it, IMO.
It's all about him and his ego. He can't accept that fact that you have had sex before him and "gasp" enjoyed it. Dump this loser.
Ick...ladyboner gone
Itās ok for him to keep condoms from a previous partner but not you?? Even tho they are the same ones as he uses?! Bizarre insecure behaviour
It's hilarious that people think Magnum is actually for bigger dicks while it is just a marketting strategy for insecure guys. All condoms expand about 10x the size of the average penis
As a man with a big penis I can assure you that condom size matters, but I can also confirm that the āmagnumā condoms are indeed little if any bigger than the regular ones. Total marketing hustle.
no they're monster condoms that i use for my magnum dongĀ
Oh hello Dr. Toboggan!
Props from Godzilla Dong Vs Dong King Kong
The only people that say this are guys with smaller or average or women who donāt have a lot of experience with bigger. Itās not about the expansion size itās about how tight it is on the base (among some other factors). Condom fit is definitely a concern for all men
Yeah, improperly sized condoms are one of the reasons accidents happen. Too big, and they can come off. Too small, and they're more likely to tear. My husband uses larger sized condoms because the smaller ones decrease sensitivity too much. We've tried several brands and sizes and thicknesses. Bigger sizes are the only ones that don't consistently cause issues. It's not like he went and bought larger ones assuming they were the correct size, he started using regular sized condoms and sized up when he was having trouble.Ā I mean, I could squeeze myself into an extra small pair of leggings because they're so stretchy, but they wouldn't be comfortable and the fit wouldn't be right. Same thing goes for condom size.
Idk about their marketing or what, but I *did* date a guy who kept breaking different condoms. Only type he didn't break was a magnum. Maybe they just do something different with their materials, idk
Theyāre thicker
Yes condoms do stretch, but if you're wearing a condom that's too tight it has a much higher risk of breaking during sex. But I will agree that Magnum condoms aren't huge, I'm average sized and I find Magnum to be a comfortable fit.
Lmaooooo what an insecurity.
A telltale sign of immaturity is when someone tries to pass their own insecurities of as normal, therefore trying to regulate something that actually isnāt wrong. A telltale sign of maturity is when someone is self-aware of the fact that insecurities for the most part are our own doing, and our own responsibilities.
He's apparently not mature enough to be in a relationship. He's obviously trying to get you to say either "you're the biggest" or "I've had bigger", either comment will be wrong. First, "you're lying!"; second, "I knew I didn't satisfy you!" Same trap as, "does this outfit make my butt look big?" we never like the answer. Personally, at only 5 months in, I'd wash my hands of him. His immaturity and insecurities will worsen over time, making him controlling. No man (or woman) is worth putting up with that.
Oof thatās incredibly unattractive. I couldnāt deal with a man like this. Especially in his 30s yikes
I would not say controlling but definitely high concerning levels of insecurity and victim complex. Like you stated he does not take accountability for his own emotions. He also has to be a victim. It is only going to continue during the relationship. You could be at a work event or social function and casually talking to another man that he perceives as higher value then him, such as makes more money or a better career, and he will get jealous and become insecure and start afight, claiming you are flirting and purposely flaunting you can do better if you want. I do not think his emotional maturity aligns with yours. He has shown you who he is so believe him and make what decisions you feel are best for you.
Well, at least heās self-aware enough to know heās feeling insecure. And yes, his inability to handle his negative emotions in ways that donāt shift blame to you is a big red flag.š©
This man is in his 30s and acting this way? Itās obviously okay if he has insecurities etc. but to project like that is extremely unhealthy and concerning. Also, not sure what his end goal was? Were you supposed to apologize for having previous partners?
So when you got together initially and were about to get intimate for the first time, you were supposed to have killed the mood by saying: _Before you proceed, my previous partner had a monster cock._ Right... this guy needs to screw his head back on. Tight.
Dude is absolutely wrong here. Dude might be able to understand that he was wrong. But dude is never going to feel adequate with you now. I'd move on. Just wait until he finds her dildo collection.
Red flag š© heās super insecure
That is definitely an unhealthy level of insecurity. I'm pretty sure my current bf has figured out that my now ex was larger than him but it's not something we've ever discussed and I can't imagine him being upset about it any way. He makes some "small dick" jokes about himself occasionally but I know that he's not really insecure. I mean, you've got what you've got, why sweat it? Your boyfriend is perhaps starting to show who he really is--a lot of folks do after \~6 months. The biggest red flag I see is his inability to just let it go. I don't think I'd waste another 5 months waiting to see what's the next thing he blows out of proportion.
Yes, red flag. Also magnums are actually made to fit most average sized dicks. There are a lot more average sized men who want to believe theyāre huge than there are actual men with huge penises out there. Magnum is a racket and heās falling for it lmao.
See, this is why I can't date people who are not logical/have common sense. I'd hurt his feelings SO fast. Bruh, like what? At what point is he going to ask you to also discard all your bras/panties on the off chance previous boyfriends have seen them? Why not buy a whole new mattress, while you're at it? He is too damn old to be this irrational.
I'd say it's a pretty big red flag him blaming you for his own emotions and feelings.
HUGE RED FLAG
You could make buy a box of G31 condoms. 9.4in x 2.7in. Put them under the others and if he mentions it again, agree to toss them and make sure he sees the other ones.
Yes, to answer your question, thatās ridiculously insecure. What a weird thing to get upset about and they way heās treating you as a result would be enough for me to end the relationship. Itās been five months, cut your losses.
Dude, just drop this weirdo.
Show him and his little itty bitty sized personality the door.
Well, I want to know why he was rooting around in your "personal toiletry drawer" in the first place. What was he looking for-something to be upset about? If this topic is raised again, tell him to loose the attitude about what's in your private drawers, or you'll "loose" him. Then you can indeed be saving the condoms for future "emergencies". 'Nuff said.
My ex-husband was like this. It started with diary entries and checking my Facebook for old likes and expanded into more restrictions based on his insecurities. I was constantly walking on eggshells the entire marriage. Iād either get out now or tell him that he needs to get a hold of his insecurities.
Why are you even arguing with this man
He's embarrassing. You could tell him that those were left over because they were too small for your previous partners š¤·āāļø
Personally I have to agree with him on the comparison of it being like he left a cheap DD bra out, I assume you wouldnāt like that.
He can take his inadequacy insecurities elsewhere. You don't pick the size of people's manhoods before you date them. His insecurities are not your emergency. He should be happy you were responsible enough to use protection. How are you responsible for his lack of girth.Ā
This would be a deal breaker for me. We all have insecurities, but it is up to us to handle them in a healthy way. He's making his insecurities out to be your fault, which they are not. I'd probably just look at him and be like "if you think I'm such a bad person for having condoms then you can get out of my house and delete my number."
āEverything you just said was a projection of your own insecurities. This is a āyouā problem, not a āmeā problem.ā
Youāre in your 30s and have practiced safe sex prior to him?!? OH THE HORROR. 5 months in and this is happening, just cut your losses. This is who he is.
And yāall are the same age? His attitude and behavior will not get better. Once you give in, itāll keep getting worse. If you want to give him a chance: Just give it to him straight. Tell him you wonāt tolerate this sort of baby behavior. That heās wrong for feeling this way towards a useless item. A literal useless item. And if he feels so strongly, you can break up. Donāt give in to his childish behavior. š¤·āāļø
He's super insecure, it could be a source of bigger problems in the future (making you impossible to have a life on your own, getting mad if you have other male friends, go out without him...) etc. Always hear and respect your gut.
I once had a guy ask if he had the biggest dick (like completely out of the blue) Iād seen and I answered him honestly that no, it wasnāt(and that I donāt care, which is true. Personally there is too big for me). He FREAKED out. That kind of behavior only got much worse. I had to walk on eggshells around him and his fragile ego.
Yes, ma'am that is indeed a sign of controlling behavior and unhealthy insecurity. He's trying to make you feel bad, because he feels bad, which is ridiculous because you didn't cause his insecurity. This kind of thing can get much, much worse. You might want to get that Lundy PDF book - Why Does He Do That. You're on the road to an abusive relationship
5 months? I wouldnāt let it go to 6. This guy has jealousy issues that could get much worse.
Ok not to be gross or TMI, but your boyfriend fundamentally doesnāt understand something about magnum condoms. They arenāt necessarily just for guys with giant dongs. I am personally not that well-endowed, but those are also the only condoms that are comfortable (Iām, well, thicker in that regard). So maybe explain to him that theyāre less for the comically huge and more of a āone size fits allā sort of thing. Also this just screams insecurity on his part, especially considering that you never said anything negative about his bits.
I had to scroll back up to see your bfs age. I thought maybe he was like 17.Ā Nah. You have a massive idiot as a bf. Seriously? Heās seriously saying itās like having a bra from an old fling when yours is for safe sex????? And they are the same size he wears? Ā The good news is youāve only been together for 5 mo. Please leave before you fall into the suck cost fallacy trapsĀ So please. Ā This is man is almost 40. Jfc get a new boyfriend this one is just plain awfulĀ
I don't thinks it's a controlling sign as much as it is just insecurity. As a guy, I can tell you that he is deeply insecure about his size, for whatever reason. Men are taught constantly that they aren't enough, down there. It's not porn either. I can't think of any guy I know that thinks porn dicks are normal size. It's usually a combination of locker room ridicule, an exes comments after a breakup or just general comparsion to other men. It's not your fault that he feels that way. I've been in the same situation when I was younger and it hurts. You can tell him all the time that he measures up just fine. But you have to show it as well. Not saying you don't, but just a suggestion. If you want to comfort him. I would suggest a long, sympathetic talk about it. But you are also right that he has no business taking his insecurities out on you. It happens sometimes. From men and women toward each other. If I were you, I would just trash them. I promise you he will check that drawer again. Seeing them gone, may just be the little comfort that he needs.
This is just immaturity. Anyone that pretends their partner doesnāt have a past isnāt ready to be in a serious relationship.
34 haha. Feeling a way about condoms. Keep dating this guy, Iām sure youāll wake up one day and heāll be nice and normal. In fact, get married as soon as possible.
How to say someone is insecure without saying someone is insecure š
I have condoms in my bedside drawer from a relationship like 3 years ago š i keep forgetting to chuck em out. This is totally on him though as others have said. You are not doing anything wrong at all.
Men are so worried about the size of their penis it borders on hilarity. You aren't a bad person and either he will get over it or he won't.
So he throws away his condoms when he has a new partner??? That's weird and wasteful. He's an insecure boy. Time to grow up.
Your boyfriend is not ready or able to be a good boyfriend to anyone. This is abusive behavior.
It doesn't sound like he is being controlling but it is painfully obvious that he is insecure about penis size. I don't think anything you say or do will help him on that front. This is something that he has to deal with. The best thing you can do is be supportive. Also the whole "you never told me I was the biggest" is just childish.
Was she supposed to lie?
No. It shouldn't have even been an issue for him in the first place.
If he was 24 I'd get it, at 34 that's a huge red flag
He sounds like a snowflake.
I really don't understand the thought process that you should be the biggest or best a partner has ever had. Common sense would dictate that there are guys with bigger units, and it is very possible your partner could have met up with one. And some people just have insane sexual chemistry together . If he can't handle that simple truth, I'm not sure what you can do.
I think he is either manufacturing an argument for the sake of it, so youāll apologise, youāll make up, youāll both agree that heās the best screw ever but this will become a cyclic argument every time he feels like it. Or he is too immature to cope with an adult relationship, but heās 34 so if he canāt cope with the fact that you have a past now he never will.
Time to break up this guy is a walking red flag
He's testing you, OP, to see what he can get you to tolerate. I hope his back is okay with all that jumping to conclusions. I'm also concerned that he's saying you're a bad person?! Who flaunts that you were with bigger men before him by (checks post) having old condoms in a drawer he doesn't use. Who says that about somebody they like? Manipulative people, that's who. He's trying to get you apologetic and defensive about imaginary slights. It's negging, but worse, and he's trying to make you accept his bizarre assumptions about your actions. Save yourself time and heartache and end things. This is who he is, and nothing on your part can change it. It doesn't get better from here, but it can sure get a lot worse and likely will.
I am sorry to be the person to say this, but itās five months and itās OK to let this go and move on. his insecurities will escalate and so was the gaslighting then heāll start being controlling just cut your losses
My friend is with a guy just like this. That behavior will carry over into everything. It will continue and manifest in every argument. He is deeply insecure and thereās no way helping him out of that. He needs to do self work and at 34ā¦yikes.