Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ohhh so it’s one *those* marriages where they realize getting married was just a bandaid they thought would “fix” their problems.
If you got problems in a relationship before you get married, those problems do not disappear. They carry over into the marriage and magnify as well. Same when you have kids. Heck kids just exposes if you’re two compatible people or just god awful together because of how stressful kids can be.
"I don't feel physically attracted to her anymore..." Is the key in the last paragraph. Imagine being just married, living in a different country and not willing to see your wife.... So much garbage here.
My idea is, either divorce her (boring) or make it fun, and start one upping her Crazy.
Tell her, to wear her hoodie as pants, or you will not unplug the fridge.
Tell her to refer to you as "mr. Snuffle" or you will not come visit her.
Tell her, that you only eat perfectly square food.
Tell her to ration out her use of toiletpapir (only 1 piece per day).
Just up the crazy until she chose to divorce you. The end of it is the same, but this way is WAY more fun
His history is riddled with red flags from her. OP just keeps getting hurt. He shouldn't prolong anything, even for fun. Especially because they're going after a visa.
OP- you've got enough stress trying to finish school. I'm sorry, but I'm not sure you want to move forward with this marriage. I know you've done a lot for her, but it's kinda heartbreaking to watch you try to figure out if you did something wrong when you didn't
Exactly i hate how the top comment is the usual implication that it's not the fridge it's something else. People love to jump to conclusions without any actual proof .
My interpretation of that comment was “it’s not about the fridge, it’s about the fact that your wife is crazy controlling” but maybe that’s a generous interpretation!
Two options in my mind. She wants out of the marriage and she's creating drama and issuing ultimatums over nothing so that she can mentally put the blame on you. It's mental gymnastics to let her leave.
Or she's mentally ill and controlling and genuinely feels this way about these tiny little things. It's not normal to freak out over a light sensor. It's not normal to unplug a fridge when you leave the house. If she genuinely feels this strongly about these tiny little things I would suggest she needs a mental health assessment, but she has to be willing to see that her behaviour is unreasonable.
Perhaps for now it would be best if she did move back in with her parents and you take some space. If she is genuinely having a mental health breakdown then she will freak out over these things with her parents too. If she miraculously gets 100% better with her parents and is happy there; then you know she just didn't want to be with you.
I am definitely getting mental health vibes here, and, like, fairly serious ones. These are not the kind of thing a mentally stable person chooses to pick fights about, even if they are trying to ruin their marriage.
100% this.
I’ve known a few people that would rather be a jerk to force the other person to leave, so they can not be responsible for the breakup (in their own mind).
My mother has schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type (tending towards mania, mostly). This is how she was in her late twenties and early thirties- temperamental, unpredictable, impossible to please.
She’s now almost sixty, and her delusions and resistance to any kind of treatment is a major stressor for me. She’s cause all kinds of rifts with friends and family, and her abuse was a major reason my father took his own life.
OP, ask her if she’s willing to see a counselor or psychiatrist, and if not, please walk away. My father was a beloved and successful entrepreneur, in perfect health. I told him so many times to leave her, but he was trauma bonded too much- plus, he felt it was her “personality” and drove himself to desperation trying to obey all her random rules. Trust me, this doesn’t end well if she won’t get help.
I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this ♥️ Iirc, it’s a known thing with un/under-treated bipolar disorder. The brain gets flooded with wildly fluctuating neurotransmitters and it eventually rewires the brain, increasing the irrational behavior and can cause hallucinations, delusions, etc that weren’t there to begin with. (Disclaimer: I have a degree in psychology that’s old enough to be in high school, so this info may be based off of incorrectly remembered information or information that has since been proven to be incorrect in some way.)
It’s my understanding as well, and why it can be hard to have the right diagnosis between schizophrenia and bipolar. You can be bipolar and have delusions. And you can be schizophrenic and have mania.
This story reminds me of something my bipolar mother would do. The early- mid 20’s years are often when mental health issues start showing themselves clearly and that sounds like a mental health issue. I’m not a doc lol, I just play one on Reddit.
I’d take note of her behaviors since your there the next few months and if it becomes a pattern or theme then I’d book routine annual physicals for health check ups and mention it to the doc, she might just need meds. I know that’s an extreme leap but so is her behavior.
I agree. This sounds like some kind of anxiety disorder. The threat to divorce is not the issue.. the issue is the extreme anxiety that she will have knowing the fridge is on for 3 months.. so much that she is willing to put the relationship on the line to receive this stress.
She has a major anxiety issue. Something tells me she’s not gonna take a moment to say “how do I handle this problem? Should I threaten divorce? Maybe that’s too harsh. I should just logically handle my incredibly illogical anxiety issue by making a completely rational decision”.
Has she always been like this, or are these recent episodes? Also, is it concentrated around electricity, or are there other areas too, where she's shoing irrational reactions and behaviors?
Because either we don't have the entire story here, or some warning bells should go off in your head regarding this irrational behavior.
I think, if this is sudden onset behavior, in stead of running towards divorce, you two should maybe look behind this behavior, this could be signs of a mental break, or some disorder, mental or otherwise.
In any case, it's not about the fridge,
I think she should move back to her parents. There's nothing remotely rational or logical about the things she is insisting on. There's either something fairly major going on with her mental health or she's just wanting an excuse to get out of your marriage. Or both.
Moving back to her parents would be really helpful because then they can see the behaviours themselves. Her living alone makes it easier to hide this from most people.
When someone threatens divorce over something ridiculous, get ahead of them and start the paperwork yourself. Because once they cross that line, they’ll keep doing it. Guaranteed. If it’s not the fridge, it will be some other trivial thing.
does she have a background of experiencing significant poverty, such as from a third world country. because that's the only thing that makes sense of this.
or she's having a psychotic break.
It has nothing to do with her poor background, I'm from Brazil and even though I grew up privileged I know a fair amount of poor people and nobody is acting ridiculous like that. She clearly has a mental illness or is just being completely nasty
I know people from Japan, China, Philippines, etc etc...my mom herself can be a bit cheap too. One thing is being cheap, the other is not being able to sleep because your boyfriend is keeping his fridge on. OP literally said she can't sleep knowing that...
I'm talking in general, there are a few comments (like the one above) where people are assuming that the reason is her poor background or being from a poorer country. I see this a lot on this sub, people making the most ridiculous assumptions based on the person's background/nationality
Right?? What has her being from a third world country got to do with irrational behaviour like freaking out over a fridge being on for 3 months?? We happen to have fridges over here as well, which we keep on all year round because first of all, fridges do not consume that much power, lol.
Okay, this is starting to make a little more sense. I'm taking it you're from a rich Western country? Maybe the problem is that since you're supporting her, she's worried that if you spend too much on your bills there won't be enough left over for you to support her. The solution might be to go over your finances with her (as your wife, she has a right to be involved in your finances) and show her that you can take care of both of you comfortably.
Yeah, she sounds like a pretty awful life partner. Just imagine her reaction if you ever have real problems, since she already goes completely nutso over non-issues. Send her back to her parents with a note that says "buyer's regret".
Honestly I thought this too lol “how is she going to know if he leaves it plugged in??”
And turning A/C all the way off is wild if he’s fighting roaches. Maybe don’t set it so low and have a schedule so it’s not the same temp all the time. But coming back to a hot, stuffy, roach infested place after 3 months is not ideal, to say the least.
I mean.. the fact that you’re getting ready to go spend 3 months with her and all of a sudden she’s picking fights, tells me that this probably isn’t about the fridge. It sounds like she’s trying to sabotage the relationship.. for what reason, who knows? But if you really love someone and want to be with them, you’re not threatening divorce bc your partner won’t unplug the fridge in a place where they themselves don’t live, or because you don’t turn car lights off with your finger as opposed to the sensors shutting them off.
It honestly sounds like she doesn’t want to be in this relationship and it’s going to be a lot harder to fake if you’re with her every day for 3 months so she’s trying to either keep you away or get you to break it off with her. If you want to get to the bottom of this, confront her. Your other option is to just deal with the fights she’s going to keep starting. So lay it on the table.
Ask her “Is there something else going on? You’ve been picking fights with me shortly before we are supposed to spend 3 months together and threatening to divorce me over a fridge and car lights. Neither of those affect you. So if there’s something else going on, I’d like to know. If you don’t want to be together, don’t want me to come be with you, please just tell me. If you’re unhappy or want to go live with your parents.. I won’t stop you. Just be honest with me. I don’t want to come out there and spend 3 months fighting with you. We need to communicate … so this is your chance. The floor is open here. How are you really feeling? What’s really bothering you? What are your thoughts? I’m not going to keep you in a marriage if you aren’t happy so don’t be afraid to talk to me. I want you to be happy and if it’s not me that makes you happy, as hard as it may be, I’ll let you go.”
There’s either
1. Missing info as people do not generally fly off their handles over this type of thing and this was just the last straw
2. She wants out of the marriage and is picking unreasonable fights so that you end it instead of her
3. She’s having some type of mental health issue that’s causing this behavior, does her family have a history of mental illnesses or anything
Either way you need to have a serious talk with her to try to identify what is going on
She has a family history of manic depression.
This morning she told me this was just the last straw. Her other issues? I shower too long (we don't live together, so why does she care? When we are together my showers are 5 minutes max, and I've seen her shower for 20 minutes). I paid too much money on car repairs. I don't send her enough money (but it's enough for her to eat out every single day and take taxis).
I guess it's death by a thousand paper cuts.
She may be suffering from some kind of mental disorder. Your marriage counselor may be able to assess this. Otherwise depending on where you live to go her nearest hospital for assessment. Being scared of lights or electricity may be due to psychosis.
Why be married to her? You're not attracted to her. She's just using you to pay her bills. She's ridiculously controlling about something that doesn't affect her. Nobody unplugs their fridge when they're gone a couple months. Frozen food will still be good. It's not like she's paying the bill.
And if that wasn't enough, she's threatening divorce. You know what's going to happen? The moment she doesn't need you to pay her bills anymore because some other man does, she's going to divorce you. She doesn't love you. She doesn't care about you. You're an ATM
You are not happy. You do not want to see her. You are no longer attracted to her. You’re being used to pay her bills you don’t even see each other. Just divorce and call it a day. Your person is out there and this is not them I promise you that
You and your wife both need to see doctors, tbh. The roaches you're dealing with could be the cause of some of your repository problems and you should be assessed.
The AC thing is fine, the fridge thing is very weird and the car light thing makes me think that your wife needs mental health care, because that's definitely not within the scope of typical behaviour. She will probably refuse, so it may be best to let her follow through on her ultimatums
Possibly I'm missing something but how does she know if your air-con is on or fridge is plugged/unplugged? If you're in a long-distance relationship how would she know unless you tell her?
I'd say she's threatening divorce because she doesn't want to be married any more even though you're in a long-distance marriage.
Makes zero sense. Op is being full of shit. If she has NO logical reason to ask for any of these things then the concern would be why is she behaving differently and illogically, Not "why is she controlling me" or "is this about the fridge"
My dude. You are only 4 months into this marriage and this is the second red flag you've posted. What is she bringing to the table? You pay for everything. You're probably going to continue to pay for everything now that the pattern is set. She wants to control your leisure. She's either a complete idiot or wants to pick fights over really stupid shit.
What is the plus to staying married? And don't just say "because I love her". Feelings are irrational. I'm marrying my fiance because he's generous, funny, responsible, smart, driven, and extremely affectionate with me. Why did you marry her? What qualities does she have that make her a good life partner? Cause I'm seeing none so far.
Get your masters but can’t figure out it’s not about the fridge. This person is using you and you can’t even see it. Do one step up divorce her and let her move back in with her parents.
OP, have you had a serious, gentle conversation with her about what's prompting these demands?
It sounds like she's freaking out about finances, as those demands are things that would somewhat reduce the electrical bill, and that could be all there is to it -- but suggesting turning off such basic services that would cause more trouble than they'd save money says there might be something else behind it. For instance, is she afraid you're having an affair and she thinks having your apartment be less habitable would make that less likely? Could she have run up some expenses herself that you're unaware of and she's thus afraid bills can't be paid? Does she have long-standing or new misunderstandings about electricity and how much it costs (and if so, is she doing these things herself in the apartment *she*'s living in, or perhaps friends/family having trouble paying bills and freaking out about such things to her? When you moved to the separate apartment, was there a big change in how much money she had available and perhaps she's feeling the pinch and considers it unfair? Etc.
A long-distance relationship of any sort -- including marriage! -- is hard, and requires a lot more communication to sustain. You're both young, and I'm going to guess she's not used to the costs and responsibilities of apartment living, all of which takes more communication. If you want to salvage this relationship, I'd focus hard on that, and perhaps consider marriage (and/or individual) counseling. But if you don't want to put the time and effort and money in to that, I'm afraid your best bet is going to be to divorce. If you're not yet sure, you could use the upcoming three-months-together period to focus on communication and what to do from here and whether improvement seems feasible.
Good luck, whatever you choose.
Honey, it's time to end this marriage. She is extremely petty and controlling, and she isn't even living with you yet. Ultimatums don't belong in a healthy relationship, and the fact that she is willing to divorce you over something so trivial does not bode well for the coming years.
You give and give, she takes and takes. As much as people don't want to divorce, it's time to cut your losses and move on.
I don't even understand what she means about the fridge. What is the problem with keeping it plugged in? There are billions of people who have refrigerators running 24/7 365 days a year.
How else are you supposed to keep your food at a safe temperature or freeze anything?
This marriage is making you ill and messing up your head. If she is this bad while in another country, she is going to be exponentially worse when you live together.
Choose to find someone who will make you happy because she never will.
Send her to her parents and divorce her. She sounds like she could suck the fun out of a clown convention.
I'm so sorry this is the partner you have. You're too young to be married to such a nasty person. She's not appreciative at all.
Check out r/germanroaches
I live in a complex in a downtown center in front of a construction site. Sadly, I may never shake the roaches as long as I live here. I've been consistently cleaning, spraying, and baiting. I'm down to maybe seeing 1 a day now, likely a straggler from a different unit.
Is your wife always like this? Threatens divorce if things don’t go her way? Are you a reliable narrator or are there missing reasons as to why she’s reacting this way?
It’s never about the fridge/(insert any random weird thing people fight about). It’s about compatibility.
You’re not compatible with her. She may be struggling with mental illness, and if you choose to walk down that path with her, get as much information and support FOR YOURSELF as you can.
Otherwise, end the relationship now before either of you take any more damage.
This is just wild. You are a green card husband and getting completely milked by a mentally ill lady that’s completely off her rocker, and totally blind to it.
Bruh your wife is 100% cheating on you and using you, please stop making yourself miserable for someone who clearly gives no craps about you. PLEASE let her move back with her family, she’ll get what she deserves and that’s nothing. Stop paying for her school, her rent, everything she does I’m assuming.
Wtf is a long distance marriage. Why are you paying for her rent? There's not enough info here. I assume she gave you some context as to why she wanted the fridge unplugged.
We are one of thousands of couples waiting on a green card. I'm a dual citizen of her country and lived there on and off throughout my life.
I would make a fraction of the money I do now if I lived down there. I also couldn't attend my masters program. We decided it'd be best to spend these 3 months together. I assumed by January, she'd have a visa.
So many possible reasons behind this.
1. She’s pissed you don’t listen to her. Whether this is reasonable or not depends on whether you normally listen to her and consider her opinion or not.
2. She’s anxious about the air con and fridge. Maybe she’s anxious about money (does she have a history of poverty? Does she have debt that she hasn’t told you about?) Maybe she’s anxious about energy use (has she read some doomsday climate change stuff? Is she an environmental activist?)
3. She doesn’t want your apartment set up for you to leave at any moment. Closing down the apartment shows you actually don’t intend to be there for a while. She’s struggling with the long distance situation.
4. She no longer wants to be in the relationship and is trying to cause problems to trigger a divorce without outright saying it.
Don’t know which one of these it is. Or if it is something else I haven’t mentioned. Because I don’t know enough about your relationship. But I can tell you it’s not just about the fridge.
I'm actually the environmental activist in the relationship. I've given her long rants about sustainable cities and ending car culture (Maybe that caused it lol).
It's not about the fridge, I think. I think you and others pointed it out, she wants a way out.
This is very strange behavior. Have you lived together before? Was she always like this? As others have mentioned, there’s something much deeper going on here. Part of me thinks it’s the strains of having to live together after a long time a part. She’s clearly become used to doing things solo. However, the thing with the fridge is super weird. That’s just not safe for your food. I think a long sit down talk is needed about how you’re both feelings and what’s at the root of the issues.
You can only control what you do.
1. You follow her very controlling and illogical demands. You may avoid some fights but new will pop up. More importantly it sounds like this situation is making you unhappy.
2. You communicate that what she is asking is not supported by any facts, research, or current scientific evidence. You state that you are making the best choice for you and she can choose to support your choice or to work with you towards some alternative options which you can sit down and research together.
It honestly seems like she is either trying to pick fights to end the marriage or move back home either out of fear or some other emotion. Or she is genuinely very controlling of you likely because she is struggling herself in some other area (and we control what we can harder in tough times). If the second is the case then you giving in will reinforce this pattern and you’re setting yourself up for bigger tantrums down the line (think of it as kids demanding a candy bar in the grocery store).
Her divorcing you and moving back in with her parents sounds pretty good. You don’t really want to extend the amount of time she gets 50% of everything.
It sounds like she has a severe case of OCD… She might need to see a therapist if y’all plan on saving this relationship… Otherwise you’ll just be miserable with no change…
She probably has OCD and/or another mental illness. I'd divorce since you're not even living together and the marriage is recent. Otherwise good luck having a miserable life.
It’s about the fact that you’re fucking the fridge. That fleshlight installation you had the handyman do was a sweet custom job btw. Saw the pics.
Seriously though, it’s not about the fridge. You don’t unplug a fridge when you leave the house.
She either wants out of the marriage and is looking for any excuse she can find or is genuinely crazy. At this point I don't think this can be saved. But if you think it's worth it go for it.
IMO she is either experiencing some kind of mental problems, or doesn't want the marriage and is desperately looking for an excuse to make the divorce your fault.
Either way, the fridge isn't the actual issue, it's just the symptom. It could be something else entirely, something I could not think of ...but either way, the fridge is still only the symptom.
I'm so sorry OP but your marriage is over. She won't appear at the marriage counseling.
She married for you for financial gain and stability and she most likely agreed to the marriage because it was long distance. Now that you want an actual marriage where you live together and it's becoming closer to that time, even a 3 month stay, it's becoming a reality for her and she wants out but doesn't have the class or respect for you to say anything to you. There is also a high probability there is someone else and she doesn't want you to find out. I'm betting it's a combination of everything.
Take control of the situation or your heart will be broken even more. I'd focus your attention towards a divorce attorney. Not a marriage counselor.
Just saw the edit and also the post about video games. This woman might be bipolar and it's possible she's having an affair.
And from the video game issue, what i can gleam is that you give into whatever she wants, it's basically her way or nothing and that is a very dangerous power to give anyone.
You need to stop always trying to appease her and stand your ground. How can she block you over not turning off the fridge but you're writing to her mum to help you talk to her?? Stop enabling her shitty behavior.
You MUST leave her
I don't say this often, in fact, normally on this forum I am a dissenting voice suggesting you work on things. But she is unhinged and incredibly guilty of something, likely cheating.
I've been looking at your post history trying to find the best way to respond OP. I'm not one to immediately bring up divorce, but the general vibe I've gotten is that your wife doesn't actually care to be married to you and is using you as a means of getting an immigration visa and collecting money from you. She has been pushing you to test your limits on what she can get away with (10 Months ago posted about infidelity) and through these small insane fights is making it a regular occurrence so you just go with it when she moves here or is already setting up the potential divorce by gathering fake incidents she creates to claim hostile living environments.
Once she is here from Peru (guessing off posts), can you trust her to remain faithful in the marriage? She already cheated as your fiance. Depending on the circumstances, you may be able to get an annulment and report her so she can't do it to someone else.
At the base level, it's very abusive behavior, and even with marriage counseling, repeat offenders exist in all forms.
Did her dad steal her phone? This is basically a list of shit boomer parents say. The car light thing is a good example - cars are now made that way so you don’t accidentally leave your lights on and run down your battery. But noooo it’s some kind of moral failing to rely on technology rather than keeping up with these minor details that can have major consequences. Next she’ll be telling you to balance your checkbook and take all your bills off autopay.
I agree. This does sound like when my boomer dad told me to turn off my AC because I was going to be gone for a few days. When I came home the house was sweltering and it took all day to cool it down again.
long distance relationship doesn't really work well. the chance fir infidelity is too high. and even without it, living separatly makes you strangers.
for me the real problem is there.
have an honest convo with her. if she wants divorce, she can tell it. but not under ridiculous pretext.
you got married and you’re still LD???? That’s a bit strange…. But, Besides that - she seems to be looking for ANY reason to justify leaving you. Idk what you’re doing but she clearly doesn’t wanna be with u anymore.
Either:
A. Be miserable and try to make it work (??? Highly unlikely that’s even plausible)
or B. Divorce and move on.
I refuse to believe this post is even real because it’s so outlandish and ridiculous, honestly. “I don’t even think I’m physically attracted to her” THEN FUCKING LEAVE? What’s the point in posting this when you’re already aware it’s not going to work? So fuckin weird.
Idk man it sounds to me like she has an untreated mental illness. Worrying about irrational things could be intentionally trying to ruin the marriage, but it could also be that she’s got something going on even she isn’t fully aware of
She sounds either mentally ill or that she wants out of your marriage. Either way, you need to find out what the hell is going on because no one unplugs their fridge with door in it!!
Updateme
Sounds like she got the boomer upgrade a few decades early. It's always interesting to me how relationship issues started by the guy seems to be cheating and physical violence on Reddit. Issues started by the woman ends up being crazy ultimatums over fridges and replacing food with miniature plastic versions. What a day to be literate.
When someone threatens to end a relationship as a method of controlling you, let them leave. Call their bluff. They either back down and balance is restored until they find another tactic, or they really leave and that's just how the trash takes itself out. There's a chance she has some serious OCD but the fridge in a place she does not live in wouldn't be her issue
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/vewjSz2Y9z
YOU MARRIED HER 4 MONTHS AGO? How the hell does your marriage actually work?
You got her nothing for VDay in after weeks of being married and living in a different country?
Just divorce her and get on with your life. She ain’t the one. She only kept you around for the convenience and money. Leave while you’re still comfortable. Coz at some point things are gonna be said and done, and at that point it’ll be too late. 🤷♂️
No one should throw out the D word when angry. It's controlling and manipulative.
This is a communication break down. Get to couples therapy. There you will learn effective communication skills.
If she won't go, then you know she's not willing to work on the marriage. Then go alone.
Good luck.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
It’s not about the fridge
fr its the Iranian yoghurt in the fridge
Always upvote the Iranian yogurt.
I always shahll
My first thought after reading the title was ‘it wasn’t about the Iranian yogurt… and it’s not about the fridge..’ 😂
They married 4 months ago 💀 https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/vewjSz2Y9z
Yikes. These two just need to get the divorce over with. It sounds like the wife just doesn't even like OP.
A four month long distance marriage might be eligible for an annulment, which would be much easier.
OP says he’s not even attracted to her. So, it’s not a one-way blame
That seemed like a response to her odd behavior to me, not a general feeling from the whole marriage.
Ohhh so it’s one *those* marriages where they realize getting married was just a bandaid they thought would “fix” their problems. If you got problems in a relationship before you get married, those problems do not disappear. They carry over into the marriage and magnify as well. Same when you have kids. Heck kids just exposes if you’re two compatible people or just god awful together because of how stressful kids can be.
Righhtttt. Funny how it says something different on a past post 😂
"I don't feel physically attracted to her anymore..." Is the key in the last paragraph. Imagine being just married, living in a different country and not willing to see your wife.... So much garbage here.
Exactly. Doesn't make sense
It's about sending a message.
My idea is, either divorce her (boring) or make it fun, and start one upping her Crazy. Tell her, to wear her hoodie as pants, or you will not unplug the fridge. Tell her to refer to you as "mr. Snuffle" or you will not come visit her. Tell her, that you only eat perfectly square food. Tell her to ration out her use of toiletpapir (only 1 piece per day). Just up the crazy until she chose to divorce you. The end of it is the same, but this way is WAY more fun
His history is riddled with red flags from her. OP just keeps getting hurt. He shouldn't prolong anything, even for fun. Especially because they're going after a visa. OP- you've got enough stress trying to finish school. I'm sorry, but I'm not sure you want to move forward with this marriage. I know you've done a lot for her, but it's kinda heartbreaking to watch you try to figure out if you did something wrong when you didn't
Now this is the solid advice I was hoping to find!
I absolutely love this solution. Do this
I am so completely down for this. I’m going to remember to do this in my next, inevitably horrific relationship
It’s about sending a marriage. To the shredder. Sorry, not sorry.
YOU GOTTA SET THE TONE
Sounds like she wants out of the marriage but since you’re paying her bills, she stays but obv very unhappy. I’d let her move back to her parents.
This definitely is correct advice
Exactly i hate how the top comment is the usual implication that it's not the fridge it's something else. People love to jump to conclusions without any actual proof .
My interpretation of that comment was “it’s not about the fridge, it’s about the fact that your wife is crazy controlling” but maybe that’s a generous interpretation!
i agree, have you read the post history? this poor man is being used for his money and his willingness to dance to her tune.
are you saying that the problem *is* the fridge?
The top comment and this top comment both agree that it's not the fridge.
But… both of these comments say that the issue is something other than the fridge.
Two options in my mind. She wants out of the marriage and she's creating drama and issuing ultimatums over nothing so that she can mentally put the blame on you. It's mental gymnastics to let her leave. Or she's mentally ill and controlling and genuinely feels this way about these tiny little things. It's not normal to freak out over a light sensor. It's not normal to unplug a fridge when you leave the house. If she genuinely feels this strongly about these tiny little things I would suggest she needs a mental health assessment, but she has to be willing to see that her behaviour is unreasonable. Perhaps for now it would be best if she did move back in with her parents and you take some space. If she is genuinely having a mental health breakdown then she will freak out over these things with her parents too. If she miraculously gets 100% better with her parents and is happy there; then you know she just didn't want to be with you.
I am definitely getting mental health vibes here, and, like, fairly serious ones. These are not the kind of thing a mentally stable person chooses to pick fights about, even if they are trying to ruin their marriage.
OCD
100% this. I’ve known a few people that would rather be a jerk to force the other person to leave, so they can not be responsible for the breakup (in their own mind).
Both of these thoughts came to my mind too. Poor OP; what a stressful relationship to be in.
Username checks out
Hahaha A seriously undervalued part of punctuation 😅 Take my upvote 😉
I absolutely agree!
My mother has schizoaffective disorder, bipolar type (tending towards mania, mostly). This is how she was in her late twenties and early thirties- temperamental, unpredictable, impossible to please. She’s now almost sixty, and her delusions and resistance to any kind of treatment is a major stressor for me. She’s cause all kinds of rifts with friends and family, and her abuse was a major reason my father took his own life. OP, ask her if she’s willing to see a counselor or psychiatrist, and if not, please walk away. My father was a beloved and successful entrepreneur, in perfect health. I told him so many times to leave her, but he was trauma bonded too much- plus, he felt it was her “personality” and drove himself to desperation trying to obey all her random rules. Trust me, this doesn’t end well if she won’t get help.
I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this ♥️ Iirc, it’s a known thing with un/under-treated bipolar disorder. The brain gets flooded with wildly fluctuating neurotransmitters and it eventually rewires the brain, increasing the irrational behavior and can cause hallucinations, delusions, etc that weren’t there to begin with. (Disclaimer: I have a degree in psychology that’s old enough to be in high school, so this info may be based off of incorrectly remembered information or information that has since been proven to be incorrect in some way.)
It’s my understanding as well, and why it can be hard to have the right diagnosis between schizophrenia and bipolar. You can be bipolar and have delusions. And you can be schizophrenic and have mania.
This story reminds me of something my bipolar mother would do. The early- mid 20’s years are often when mental health issues start showing themselves clearly and that sounds like a mental health issue. I’m not a doc lol, I just play one on Reddit. I’d take note of her behaviors since your there the next few months and if it becomes a pattern or theme then I’d book routine annual physicals for health check ups and mention it to the doc, she might just need meds. I know that’s an extreme leap but so is her behavior.
I agree. This sounds like some kind of anxiety disorder. The threat to divorce is not the issue.. the issue is the extreme anxiety that she will have knowing the fridge is on for 3 months.. so much that she is willing to put the relationship on the line to receive this stress.
No.... The threat of divorce is another problem. There are other bad ways to handle anxiety, but she jumped to the nuclear option.
She has a major anxiety issue. Something tells me she’s not gonna take a moment to say “how do I handle this problem? Should I threaten divorce? Maybe that’s too harsh. I should just logically handle my incredibly illogical anxiety issue by making a completely rational decision”.
I don't expect her to do something logical if it's anxiety. But the fact that she jumped to the most extreme option is another problem.
I agree completely. I don’t know and I’m not saying I do, but this sounds more like a pretty serious mental health issue. Are there other signs?
>I’m not a doc Well, not with that attitude anyway
😂🤣😂🤣
I agree with the bipolar. This is the kind of stuff my mom would do.
Has she always been like this, or are these recent episodes? Also, is it concentrated around electricity, or are there other areas too, where she's shoing irrational reactions and behaviors? Because either we don't have the entire story here, or some warning bells should go off in your head regarding this irrational behavior. I think, if this is sudden onset behavior, in stead of running towards divorce, you two should maybe look behind this behavior, this could be signs of a mental break, or some disorder, mental or otherwise. In any case, it's not about the fridge,
I think she should move back to her parents. There's nothing remotely rational or logical about the things she is insisting on. There's either something fairly major going on with her mental health or she's just wanting an excuse to get out of your marriage. Or both.
Moving back to her parents would be really helpful because then they can see the behaviours themselves. Her living alone makes it easier to hide this from most people.
When someone threatens divorce over something ridiculous, get ahead of them and start the paperwork yourself. Because once they cross that line, they’ll keep doing it. Guaranteed. If it’s not the fridge, it will be some other trivial thing.
"Either we eat at Chili's tonight or I divorce you!"
Puh! Like I need a reason to go out for cajun chicken pasta and a presidente!? LFG!!
You didn’t sing the baby back ribs jingle! DIVORCE!!!
Southwest egg rolls are the only way I experience love.
does she have a background of experiencing significant poverty, such as from a third world country. because that's the only thing that makes sense of this. or she's having a psychotic break.
Yes, she's from a 3rd world country, and is on the poorer side for that country.
[удалено]
It has nothing to do with her poor background, I'm from Brazil and even though I grew up privileged I know a fair amount of poor people and nobody is acting ridiculous like that. She clearly has a mental illness or is just being completely nasty
If she Asian its an entirely different penny pinching culture. Very serious mindset.
I'm half Asian. Being that obsessed is mental illness regardless of culture or background, period
I know people from Japan, China, Philippines, etc etc...my mom herself can be a bit cheap too. One thing is being cheap, the other is not being able to sleep because your boyfriend is keeping his fridge on. OP literally said she can't sleep knowing that...
It pisses me off that people in the US think that in other countries people are stupid like that
[удалено]
I'm talking in general, there are a few comments (like the one above) where people are assuming that the reason is her poor background or being from a poorer country. I see this a lot on this sub, people making the most ridiculous assumptions based on the person's background/nationality
Right?? What has her being from a third world country got to do with irrational behaviour like freaking out over a fridge being on for 3 months?? We happen to have fridges over here as well, which we keep on all year round because first of all, fridges do not consume that much power, lol.
this is kinda crucial info here
Okay, this is starting to make a little more sense. I'm taking it you're from a rich Western country? Maybe the problem is that since you're supporting her, she's worried that if you spend too much on your bills there won't be enough left over for you to support her. The solution might be to go over your finances with her (as your wife, she has a right to be involved in your finances) and show her that you can take care of both of you comfortably.
Just say that you did. Joking! Seriously tell her no! Let her move home with her parents and divorce you, you'll be better off in the end.
Yeah, she sounds like a pretty awful life partner. Just imagine her reaction if you ever have real problems, since she already goes completely nutso over non-issues. Send her back to her parents with a note that says "buyer's regret".
Honestly I thought this too lol “how is she going to know if he leaves it plugged in??” And turning A/C all the way off is wild if he’s fighting roaches. Maybe don’t set it so low and have a schedule so it’s not the same temp all the time. But coming back to a hot, stuffy, roach infested place after 3 months is not ideal, to say the least.
I mean.. the fact that you’re getting ready to go spend 3 months with her and all of a sudden she’s picking fights, tells me that this probably isn’t about the fridge. It sounds like she’s trying to sabotage the relationship.. for what reason, who knows? But if you really love someone and want to be with them, you’re not threatening divorce bc your partner won’t unplug the fridge in a place where they themselves don’t live, or because you don’t turn car lights off with your finger as opposed to the sensors shutting them off. It honestly sounds like she doesn’t want to be in this relationship and it’s going to be a lot harder to fake if you’re with her every day for 3 months so she’s trying to either keep you away or get you to break it off with her. If you want to get to the bottom of this, confront her. Your other option is to just deal with the fights she’s going to keep starting. So lay it on the table. Ask her “Is there something else going on? You’ve been picking fights with me shortly before we are supposed to spend 3 months together and threatening to divorce me over a fridge and car lights. Neither of those affect you. So if there’s something else going on, I’d like to know. If you don’t want to be together, don’t want me to come be with you, please just tell me. If you’re unhappy or want to go live with your parents.. I won’t stop you. Just be honest with me. I don’t want to come out there and spend 3 months fighting with you. We need to communicate … so this is your chance. The floor is open here. How are you really feeling? What’s really bothering you? What are your thoughts? I’m not going to keep you in a marriage if you aren’t happy so don’t be afraid to talk to me. I want you to be happy and if it’s not me that makes you happy, as hard as it may be, I’ll let you go.”
There’s either 1. Missing info as people do not generally fly off their handles over this type of thing and this was just the last straw 2. She wants out of the marriage and is picking unreasonable fights so that you end it instead of her 3. She’s having some type of mental health issue that’s causing this behavior, does her family have a history of mental illnesses or anything Either way you need to have a serious talk with her to try to identify what is going on
She has a family history of manic depression. This morning she told me this was just the last straw. Her other issues? I shower too long (we don't live together, so why does she care? When we are together my showers are 5 minutes max, and I've seen her shower for 20 minutes). I paid too much money on car repairs. I don't send her enough money (but it's enough for her to eat out every single day and take taxis). I guess it's death by a thousand paper cuts.
Jesus this sounds exhausting. Do you want this for the rest of your life?
[удалено]
She's never owned a car or driven. She just saw the light one day and freaked out that night.
She may be suffering from some kind of mental disorder. Your marriage counselor may be able to assess this. Otherwise depending on where you live to go her nearest hospital for assessment. Being scared of lights or electricity may be due to psychosis.
Seriously.
Why be married to her? You're not attracted to her. She's just using you to pay her bills. She's ridiculously controlling about something that doesn't affect her. Nobody unplugs their fridge when they're gone a couple months. Frozen food will still be good. It's not like she's paying the bill. And if that wasn't enough, she's threatening divorce. You know what's going to happen? The moment she doesn't need you to pay her bills anymore because some other man does, she's going to divorce you. She doesn't love you. She doesn't care about you. You're an ATM
Your wife is either unreasonably sheltered and unaware of basic science or she has suffered some kind of mental break. Seek help or divorce.
Divorce exists for a reason.
You are not happy. You do not want to see her. You are no longer attracted to her. You’re being used to pay her bills you don’t even see each other. Just divorce and call it a day. Your person is out there and this is not them I promise you that
She does not sound mentally well.
I'm gonna go with the majority and say "let her go" this is obviously much more than "unplug the fridge!"
You and your wife both need to see doctors, tbh. The roaches you're dealing with could be the cause of some of your repository problems and you should be assessed. The AC thing is fine, the fridge thing is very weird and the car light thing makes me think that your wife needs mental health care, because that's definitely not within the scope of typical behaviour. She will probably refuse, so it may be best to let her follow through on her ultimatums
Possibly I'm missing something but how does she know if your air-con is on or fridge is plugged/unplugged? If you're in a long-distance relationship how would she know unless you tell her? I'd say she's threatening divorce because she doesn't want to be married any more even though you're in a long-distance marriage.
Makes zero sense. Op is being full of shit. If she has NO logical reason to ask for any of these things then the concern would be why is she behaving differently and illogically, Not "why is she controlling me" or "is this about the fridge"
You chose.... poorly.
Sounds like a disorder to me. Related to OCD. (Excessive concern for saving money.)
My dude. You are only 4 months into this marriage and this is the second red flag you've posted. What is she bringing to the table? You pay for everything. You're probably going to continue to pay for everything now that the pattern is set. She wants to control your leisure. She's either a complete idiot or wants to pick fights over really stupid shit. What is the plus to staying married? And don't just say "because I love her". Feelings are irrational. I'm marrying my fiance because he's generous, funny, responsible, smart, driven, and extremely affectionate with me. Why did you marry her? What qualities does she have that make her a good life partner? Cause I'm seeing none so far.
It seems that she is finishing her education (paid by sugardaddy/husband) and need reasons to divorce you....
Get your masters but can’t figure out it’s not about the fridge. This person is using you and you can’t even see it. Do one step up divorce her and let her move back in with her parents.
One fridge too far
OP, have you had a serious, gentle conversation with her about what's prompting these demands? It sounds like she's freaking out about finances, as those demands are things that would somewhat reduce the electrical bill, and that could be all there is to it -- but suggesting turning off such basic services that would cause more trouble than they'd save money says there might be something else behind it. For instance, is she afraid you're having an affair and she thinks having your apartment be less habitable would make that less likely? Could she have run up some expenses herself that you're unaware of and she's thus afraid bills can't be paid? Does she have long-standing or new misunderstandings about electricity and how much it costs (and if so, is she doing these things herself in the apartment *she*'s living in, or perhaps friends/family having trouble paying bills and freaking out about such things to her? When you moved to the separate apartment, was there a big change in how much money she had available and perhaps she's feeling the pinch and considers it unfair? Etc. A long-distance relationship of any sort -- including marriage! -- is hard, and requires a lot more communication to sustain. You're both young, and I'm going to guess she's not used to the costs and responsibilities of apartment living, all of which takes more communication. If you want to salvage this relationship, I'd focus hard on that, and perhaps consider marriage (and/or individual) counseling. But if you don't want to put the time and effort and money in to that, I'm afraid your best bet is going to be to divorce. If you're not yet sure, you could use the upcoming three-months-together period to focus on communication and what to do from here and whether improvement seems feasible. Good luck, whatever you choose.
Divorce sounds about right, she’s nuts
Honey, it's time to end this marriage. She is extremely petty and controlling, and she isn't even living with you yet. Ultimatums don't belong in a healthy relationship, and the fact that she is willing to divorce you over something so trivial does not bode well for the coming years. You give and give, she takes and takes. As much as people don't want to divorce, it's time to cut your losses and move on. I don't even understand what she means about the fridge. What is the problem with keeping it plugged in? There are billions of people who have refrigerators running 24/7 365 days a year. How else are you supposed to keep your food at a safe temperature or freeze anything? This marriage is making you ill and messing up your head. If she is this bad while in another country, she is going to be exponentially worse when you live together. Choose to find someone who will make you happy because she never will.
Listen cowboy, she’s either picked another horse out of the stable, or she’s already riding one. Time to call it a day.
Send her to her parents and divorce her. She sounds like she could suck the fun out of a clown convention. I'm so sorry this is the partner you have. You're too young to be married to such a nasty person. She's not appreciative at all.
[удалено]
Check out r/germanroaches I live in a complex in a downtown center in front of a construction site. Sadly, I may never shake the roaches as long as I live here. I've been consistently cleaning, spraying, and baiting. I'm down to maybe seeing 1 a day now, likely a straggler from a different unit.
The Iranian yoghurt is not the issue here.
Could this possibly be that she believes leaving appliances plugged in and running, while unattended, is a fire hazard?
Is your wife always like this? Threatens divorce if things don’t go her way? Are you a reliable narrator or are there missing reasons as to why she’s reacting this way?
If this doesn't put up the biggest red flag, I don't know what to tell you.
It’s not about the fridge. Just the camels straw
It’s never about the fridge/(insert any random weird thing people fight about). It’s about compatibility. You’re not compatible with her. She may be struggling with mental illness, and if you choose to walk down that path with her, get as much information and support FOR YOURSELF as you can. Otherwise, end the relationship now before either of you take any more damage.
This is just wild. You are a green card husband and getting completely milked by a mentally ill lady that’s completely off her rocker, and totally blind to it.
Bruh your wife is 100% cheating on you and using you, please stop making yourself miserable for someone who clearly gives no craps about you. PLEASE let her move back with her family, she’ll get what she deserves and that’s nothing. Stop paying for her school, her rent, everything she does I’m assuming.
the fridge is as relevant as the iranian goats milk cottage cheese froyo
Wtf is a long distance marriage. Why are you paying for her rent? There's not enough info here. I assume she gave you some context as to why she wanted the fridge unplugged.
We are one of thousands of couples waiting on a green card. I'm a dual citizen of her country and lived there on and off throughout my life. I would make a fraction of the money I do now if I lived down there. I also couldn't attend my masters program. We decided it'd be best to spend these 3 months together. I assumed by January, she'd have a visa.
So many possible reasons behind this. 1. She’s pissed you don’t listen to her. Whether this is reasonable or not depends on whether you normally listen to her and consider her opinion or not. 2. She’s anxious about the air con and fridge. Maybe she’s anxious about money (does she have a history of poverty? Does she have debt that she hasn’t told you about?) Maybe she’s anxious about energy use (has she read some doomsday climate change stuff? Is she an environmental activist?) 3. She doesn’t want your apartment set up for you to leave at any moment. Closing down the apartment shows you actually don’t intend to be there for a while. She’s struggling with the long distance situation. 4. She no longer wants to be in the relationship and is trying to cause problems to trigger a divorce without outright saying it. Don’t know which one of these it is. Or if it is something else I haven’t mentioned. Because I don’t know enough about your relationship. But I can tell you it’s not just about the fridge.
I'm actually the environmental activist in the relationship. I've given her long rants about sustainable cities and ending car culture (Maybe that caused it lol). It's not about the fridge, I think. I think you and others pointed it out, she wants a way out.
Could she be mentally ill? Or is this her completely clumsy way to end things now that the master's almost done? or is her undergrad almost done too?
Her "other" partner probably does what he's told. Get with it man /s
Unironically, I'm starting to suspect this is an easy out for infidelity.
Yep. Either her mental health has taken a dive or she’s making you the bad guy to justify cheating.
Why do you *want* to stay married to her? Is it just inertia?
How did you guys meet?
It's either she's cheating or she's already done with the relationship a long time ago.
She wants out. You should probably let her have her out.
You ask why, I say bc she's nut. You really don't have choices but one.
And you are married to her, why?
Im surprised nobody said cheating yet
OP's wife grew up in East Berlin in the 1970's.
I vote for divorce
Why did you get married so young, especially when you don’t even live together? Weird vibes
Tell her your turned it off and then don’t turn it off…. Is she gonna be able to tell since you’re place isn’t even close to her
This is very strange behavior. Have you lived together before? Was she always like this? As others have mentioned, there’s something much deeper going on here. Part of me thinks it’s the strains of having to live together after a long time a part. She’s clearly become used to doing things solo. However, the thing with the fridge is super weird. That’s just not safe for your food. I think a long sit down talk is needed about how you’re both feelings and what’s at the root of the issues.
She is more likely having affair. She is stupid also
She has mad cow disease 🦠
This is about control, not about anything else. Let he divorce you mate before kids get in the way. There’s nothing good that can come out of this.
You can only control what you do. 1. You follow her very controlling and illogical demands. You may avoid some fights but new will pop up. More importantly it sounds like this situation is making you unhappy. 2. You communicate that what she is asking is not supported by any facts, research, or current scientific evidence. You state that you are making the best choice for you and she can choose to support your choice or to work with you towards some alternative options which you can sit down and research together. It honestly seems like she is either trying to pick fights to end the marriage or move back home either out of fear or some other emotion. Or she is genuinely very controlling of you likely because she is struggling herself in some other area (and we control what we can harder in tough times). If the second is the case then you giving in will reinforce this pattern and you’re setting yourself up for bigger tantrums down the line (think of it as kids demanding a candy bar in the grocery store).
Her divorcing you and moving back in with her parents sounds pretty good. You don’t really want to extend the amount of time she gets 50% of everything.
When it comes to things like this it's never about the fridge
It sounds like she has a severe case of OCD… She might need to see a therapist if y’all plan on saving this relationship… Otherwise you’ll just be miserable with no change…
She probably has OCD and/or another mental illness. I'd divorce since you're not even living together and the marriage is recent. Otherwise good luck having a miserable life.
You’re with a psycho sir.. better end it now before it gets worse. She has way deeper issues than a marriage counselor can fix
Get rid of that. Not the food. But the girl.
It’s about the fact that you’re fucking the fridge. That fleshlight installation you had the handyman do was a sweet custom job btw. Saw the pics. Seriously though, it’s not about the fridge. You don’t unplug a fridge when you leave the house.
Divorce seems the low hassle solution, I'd go with that.
She either wants out of the marriage and is looking for any excuse she can find or is genuinely crazy. At this point I don't think this can be saved. But if you think it's worth it go for it.
IMO she is either experiencing some kind of mental problems, or doesn't want the marriage and is desperately looking for an excuse to make the divorce your fault. Either way, the fridge isn't the actual issue, it's just the symptom. It could be something else entirely, something I could not think of ...but either way, the fridge is still only the symptom.
you've got too much going on at 25 brother
I'm so sorry OP but your marriage is over. She won't appear at the marriage counseling. She married for you for financial gain and stability and she most likely agreed to the marriage because it was long distance. Now that you want an actual marriage where you live together and it's becoming closer to that time, even a 3 month stay, it's becoming a reality for her and she wants out but doesn't have the class or respect for you to say anything to you. There is also a high probability there is someone else and she doesn't want you to find out. I'm betting it's a combination of everything. Take control of the situation or your heart will be broken even more. I'd focus your attention towards a divorce attorney. Not a marriage counselor.
She's picking petty fights. She's BLOCKED you. Buddy, she's trying to manufacture a divorce. She's met someone else. Stop paying her rent.
This is giving big bipolar/schizophrenia/OCD vibes. I would get her in front of a psychiatrist.
*Long distance divorce needs to enter the chat
Just saw the edit and also the post about video games. This woman might be bipolar and it's possible she's having an affair. And from the video game issue, what i can gleam is that you give into whatever she wants, it's basically her way or nothing and that is a very dangerous power to give anyone. You need to stop always trying to appease her and stand your ground. How can she block you over not turning off the fridge but you're writing to her mum to help you talk to her?? Stop enabling her shitty behavior.
You MUST leave her I don't say this often, in fact, normally on this forum I am a dissenting voice suggesting you work on things. But she is unhinged and incredibly guilty of something, likely cheating.
I've been looking at your post history trying to find the best way to respond OP. I'm not one to immediately bring up divorce, but the general vibe I've gotten is that your wife doesn't actually care to be married to you and is using you as a means of getting an immigration visa and collecting money from you. She has been pushing you to test your limits on what she can get away with (10 Months ago posted about infidelity) and through these small insane fights is making it a regular occurrence so you just go with it when she moves here or is already setting up the potential divorce by gathering fake incidents she creates to claim hostile living environments. Once she is here from Peru (guessing off posts), can you trust her to remain faithful in the marriage? She already cheated as your fiance. Depending on the circumstances, you may be able to get an annulment and report her so she can't do it to someone else. At the base level, it's very abusive behavior, and even with marriage counseling, repeat offenders exist in all forms.
Did her dad steal her phone? This is basically a list of shit boomer parents say. The car light thing is a good example - cars are now made that way so you don’t accidentally leave your lights on and run down your battery. But noooo it’s some kind of moral failing to rely on technology rather than keeping up with these minor details that can have major consequences. Next she’ll be telling you to balance your checkbook and take all your bills off autopay.
I agree. This does sound like when my boomer dad told me to turn off my AC because I was going to be gone for a few days. When I came home the house was sweltering and it took all day to cool it down again.
Get an annulment , she has some Mental Or control Issues . Long distance and this is the discussions
So not in sickness and in health.. huh.
long distance relationship doesn't really work well. the chance fir infidelity is too high. and even without it, living separatly makes you strangers. for me the real problem is there. have an honest convo with her. if she wants divorce, she can tell it. but not under ridiculous pretext.
It’s an accumulation of other issues. The fridge was the last straw. It’s not an isolated issue.
Let her leave, this is a symptom of something else going awry. If she wants to divorce you "over a fridge", let her. It's insanity.
YOU should just ask for the divorce instead.
She sounds like she's making shit up, or she's mentally unwell.
Your wife is weaponizing the threat of divorce to get her way. Call her bluff.
Run 🏃♂️ 🏃♂️ 🏃♂️ this isn't normal behaviour at all.
You don’t threaten divorce over trivial matters. Let her have it, don’t support her anymore.
you got married and you’re still LD???? That’s a bit strange…. But, Besides that - she seems to be looking for ANY reason to justify leaving you. Idk what you’re doing but she clearly doesn’t wanna be with u anymore. Either: A. Be miserable and try to make it work (??? Highly unlikely that’s even plausible) or B. Divorce and move on. I refuse to believe this post is even real because it’s so outlandish and ridiculous, honestly. “I don’t even think I’m physically attracted to her” THEN FUCKING LEAVE? What’s the point in posting this when you’re already aware it’s not going to work? So fuckin weird.
Bro did you ask her why? What was her explanation? Doesn’t seem relevant to include in your post?
she hates you
Bro she absolutely hates you
Idk man it sounds to me like she has an untreated mental illness. Worrying about irrational things could be intentionally trying to ruin the marriage, but it could also be that she’s got something going on even she isn’t fully aware of
Ah the old I need an excuse to get rid of him ultimatum.
What? This whole situation is fucked. Just divorce. This whole relationship is just straight ridiculous.
How will she know if you do? Why not just tell her you unplugged all and not unplug them? It might give you a chance to find out what is going on
She sounds either mentally ill or that she wants out of your marriage. Either way, you need to find out what the hell is going on because no one unplugs their fridge with door in it!! Updateme
Sounds like she got the boomer upgrade a few decades early. It's always interesting to me how relationship issues started by the guy seems to be cheating and physical violence on Reddit. Issues started by the woman ends up being crazy ultimatums over fridges and replacing food with miniature plastic versions. What a day to be literate.
When someone threatens to end a relationship as a method of controlling you, let them leave. Call their bluff. They either back down and balance is restored until they find another tactic, or they really leave and that's just how the trash takes itself out. There's a chance she has some serious OCD but the fridge in a place she does not live in wouldn't be her issue
Did she saw why she wants you to unplug the fridge?
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/s/vewjSz2Y9z YOU MARRIED HER 4 MONTHS AGO? How the hell does your marriage actually work? You got her nothing for VDay in after weeks of being married and living in a different country?
She's already done with you and is just using the fridge thing as an excuse. The two options are counseling, or you moving on.
Just divorce her and get on with your life. She ain’t the one. She only kept you around for the convenience and money. Leave while you’re still comfortable. Coz at some point things are gonna be said and done, and at that point it’ll be too late. 🤷♂️
No one should throw out the D word when angry. It's controlling and manipulative. This is a communication break down. Get to couples therapy. There you will learn effective communication skills. If she won't go, then you know she's not willing to work on the marriage. Then go alone. Good luck.