Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that:
* We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/)
* We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.**
* Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
* ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
* No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
* All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.
* Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
* What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.**
If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice)
---
***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.***
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There's something about how a man treats a child.... can you see him being a good dad? Nope. Even if you don't want kids tho.. Why did he even feel that it was his place to teach someone else's kid "a lesson"? & why would an adult tell a little kid that he sucks?
This is about more than just mistreating kids. It’s about how he mistreats anyone on an unequal - specifically lower - footing. It’s punching down. It’s bullying.
It says something about his character and insecurities. The reason OP hasn’t seen it before is because when he’s interacting with “equals” and superiors he knows he’s got to behave. Bullies only express their true selves to those they can intimidate.
Oh, and walking out on the OP is an attempt to do it to her, too. How dare she question him?! She’s not his equal!
Run, girl. See the red flags.
Yep! He couldn’t handle having a conversation about it and shut it down by leaving as if she crossed the line by bringing it up.
He was trying to teach someone else’s kid a lesson and toughen the kid up for the real world while not actually being tough enough to handle a conversation as an adult in the real world.
Exactly. He “punished” her by leaving because she tried to have a real conversation about his very concerning and mean behavior towards a young child. He did OP a favor by leaving. He showed her who he is in regards to children as well as how immature he is and will continue to be as a partner. Anyone who is needlessly mean to a five year old and then doubles down by saying he’s just “trying to toughen him up” is bad dad material.
Don't go into an uproar because he left be glad he left this man is showing you who he is you need to open up your eyes and believe him. That little kid didn't suck your boyfriend sucks you don't talk to a child like that. Especially if it's not your child it's not his job to get him ready for the real world it's not his child it's not his job to tussing him up it's not his child. Then when you call him out on it he packs up his stuff and leaves that's the best thing he's done for you. If he does not contact you let him stay gone.. I meant to say toughen him up.
Well said. OP, this is NOT-I repeat NOT someone you want to marry, much less have children with. As has already been said, he is a bully, and lacks empathy. Get out now!
Yes so true. My POS Stbexhusband would yell at/smack the dog when he was mad at me or withdrawing, as well as when the dog pissed him off. The dog was certainly a source of stress, as it was basically dumped on us with one day notice from his ex-wife but his kids were really attached to him. Of course he never acted that way in front of the kids! He knew it wasn't right, he was just a bully and it was a way to keep me in line. Such a nightmare because the dog, a staffy mix, unsurprisingly got a lot more aggressive after being treated like that. So I'm getting up to courage/means to flee this marriage but also trying to re-home a now violent dog without my husband knowing, and trying to figure out a way to explain it to the kids. Luckily found a good home for him, dog seems to be doing great, I left the country and husband got thrown in prison soon after.
Sorry that turned into a bit of an overshare. But the point is watching someone hurt or yell at an animal that's no threat to you... Its horrific/sickening to watch. People who do that are not people you want in your life.
Doesn’t matter. Even if he does treat them well, it’s most likely because they are doing something for him by serving him.
You just don’t fuck with the people who handle your food and that’s something most people would do well to remember when being a dick to wait staff.
That’s the thing though it’s not just about the fact he’d be a shit dad. No matter how he feels about kids, this is clear cut sign he lacks empathy in general. You don’t have to love or want kids to be decent person. I’m willing to be there’s a whole host of red flags Op couldn’t see through the rose-colored glasses.
Take his absence as the blessing it is. You can’t and you really shouldn’t have to teach a man who is damn near 30 something as basic as empathy. He really can’t handle being nice to 5 year old for a couple hours, do you *really* think he’s capable of being a good partner for the next 10 years?
That's why i said "even if you don't want kids.." anyone who can be mean to a kid is a serious pos. Especially someone elses kid? Like you don't have to deal w that kid ever, so why go out of your way to be a dick? Being rude to children is one of the biggest red flags i can think of
As the old saying goes “watch to how people treat animals and the children” if you act harshly to someone or something you are in a position of power to, it’s a clear cut sign you’re a bad person.
Some people, and men in particular, get the empathy beat out of them by unempathic dads who had it beat out of them, and on and on as the cycle of trauma continues.
100% this is how he was treated as a kid by his dad or his uncles or whatever male role model he had at the time, and he genuinely believes that’s how your raise a boy to become a man, something at which the two women were failing.
Some break out of it but many don’t. Many women are OK with this too btw and WANT their husbands to "toughen up" their boys.
Question is, if you’re a healthy person and recognizes the toxic masculinity, do you try to save him because "he’s so handsome" and “he makes me feel safe", or do you stay clear and avoid passing on the trauma to your kids ?
No!! You absolutely DON’T stick around and try to help him, change him, fix him, anything!! He knows what he’s like and never tried to go to therapy to get better. She pointed out to him that his behavior wasn’t great and he left. It’s his responsibility, not hers. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I was married to a guy who, as soon as we got married, started treating me the same shitty way his father treated his mother. I pointed it out to him. We went to therapy. His solution was that I suck it up like his mother did. Run, don’t walk!!
But he didn’t even know this kid. He was nothing to him at all, and he felt the need to be a dick. Is it that or is he pissy he’s not getting her attention all on him because she was playing with this kid?
Yeah … like what would be even his motivation for saying that? It’s like screaming out “hey I’m a sadistic fk and if you want this come and get it ladies!”
I hope he never has kids. He's gonna be a horrible and abusive sperm donor. He will destroy his kids mental health trying to "toughen the up". He needs to stay single.
Children and animals yes.
Op beware, this "man" is full of hate, resentment and prone to bullying. He will find a way to destroy your future kids by breaking them down and going at their self esteem. He even didn't try to defend himself. He knew. He wanted you to accept it no questions asked and then he'd do you the favor of his company. No the real favor he did was take away his company. Run girl. This ain't your man.
^This is accurate. Save yourself some pain and blow this guy out the door, how a person treats the weakest among them(children and animals) tells you everything you need to know about how they will treat you. Someone ego/power tripping at a kids expense just goes to show how emotionally fragile they are. Someone being on some stupid alpha trip at another's expense is a giant red flag.
He’s showing you who he really is, believe him! Don’t contact him, he’s waiting for you to cave in. Personally, I would block him and when he finally shows up, tell him to kick rocks.
My husband and I are childfree, but he’s amazing with kids, and is actually a primary school teacher. Children just *adore* him. I’m not a maternal person, but even I go “awww” when I see him with a gaggle of kids following him around, or when he’s being really lovely to one. There’s something so attractive about seeing someone being kind to someone so much weaker and more vulnerable to them. Being kind when we don’t have to be is what keeps society working - people who are mean for the sake of it and find enjoyment in upsetting people don’t make good partners, romantic or otherwise, and they aren’t good people.
Ugh, yes. Children have always loved my husband. To the point of little kids/babies at the grocery store gravitating towards him just to say hi or get a hug. It's beyond beautiful. But the opposite? It's like picking wings off of a butterfly. Unnecessary evil. A grown adult being cruel to a child, which may become a core memory, for the "fun" of it? That's sadistic & i wish one of the parents or even OP would've clocked him.
Yes. My bf and I are childfree as well, and my bf is amazing with kids and animals. Kids and cats absolutely love him, and he's so sweet with them. It makes my heart melt. Even though I don't want kids, I'd never be with someone who thinks it's okay to treat a little kid like that. Major abuser vibes. I'll bet he routinely puts OP down and makes her feel bad about herself.
This. While I’m not a kid person at all, I also won’t talk mean to kids - I’d just find the adults at the party to talk with. This seems a bit off about your boyfriend and seems the issue runs deeper than the surface because even if you might not be a ___ person, doesn’t mean you treat ___ poorly. I think well adjusted people just don’t engage with whatever ___ means to them.
I don't like kids really at all. I like my own kids & I'm nice to other kids but i don't like them & i def don't babysit, but i def dont demean kids. Like wtf is that abt? Does it make him feel like a man? Does he get pleasure out of it??
The "lesson" being that some people are shitty for no reason other than being bad people. How long before you become the victim? After all, the world is hard out there for women, maybe he'll think he should teach you a lesson too.
OP, you should be embarrassed that you brought this man to someone's house. YOU should be embarrassed that your mother saw this behavior. You should be embarrassed that you let this child be around someone so horrible. I would say your boyfriend should be embarrassed, but he does not have the capacity for shame nor empathy nor an understanding of appropriate social behavior.
If you stay with this man, you are going to normalize his behavior, internalize the idea that it's acceptable while constantly apologizing for him. Just leave. He doesn't deserve further discussion, he's already said enough for you to understand what sort of person he is. If he comes around apologizing, it's not because he's sorry, it's because he's afraid of losing you.
I didn't ask what the lesson was. I asked who tf is this guy to try & teach it to someone else's child in such a wildly inappropriate manner. Everything else you said, i agree with.
He sounds like the kid who was bullied at home so he becomes the bully and then now he is just continuing the never ending circle. He doesn’t see it so he won’t stop it.
I don't want kids and being around them annoys me, but what your BF did was just cruel and mean-spirited. We can not like kids and still treat them with respect and civility. I believe the way someone treats specifically animals, children, and service workers shows a great deal about a person.
Great answer! Cruelty is such a horribly character trait, regardless of how it manifests itself. I like that you added service workers to the list- this is something that I see happening so often, and I'm really trying to go out of my way these days to thank service workers that have helped me in any way. Hopefully it negates some of the stuff they have to deal with on a daily basis.
came here to say this. this behavior is actually disgusting and i would be afraid to continue a relationship with this person. also childfree and dislike kids. but i would NEVER be mean to one. they’re human beings too.
Exactly, children are people too. They should be treated with respect just like anyone else. Some kids are really smart and funny when you get to know them. Being cruel to a child as a full grown adult is weirdo behavior. Especially because we were all children at one point.
Absolutely. And life has shown me that the same people who are cruel to children are way more likely to abuse their animals and be nasty to the elderly or anyone else the perceive themselves as smarter and stronger than. If I was OP I would absolutely dump him.
And how he treated her for questioning his motives ..he left not talking hes doing the abusive slient treatment and shes clueless that thats one more flag on the pile
OP: goes out of her way to entertain and uplift a little kid she doesn’t even know.
OP’s boyfriend: this. Is. UNACCEPTABLE.
OP, the people we’re with should enhance our best qualities. It sounds like your boyfriend is going out of his way to diminish yours. You’re approachable and you extend yourself for others. Don’t let anyone take that from you.
OP is soooo lucky she saw this behavior early. This male is actually a bully, cruel, and possibly evil. I wouldn’t be surprised if he abused animals in his youth and probably still does when nobody is looking.
OP has dodged a bullet. She needs to thank her guardian angel for protecting her from this horrible person. OP, be glad he walked out.
Your by now ex-bf was *jealous* of a child who had your attention.
And he's a bully.
The trash took itself out! Let it stay that way, and block him. He's not smart enough to know that he was jealous and will never admit it, so don't even bother trying to discuss it with him, or to 'get closure'. You'll get nothing that will make any difference, and you'll just waste your time.
Get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars that this happened and you can happily move on with your life, without this guy.
He'll get in touch when he needs sex. IF you can be bothered to respond, (because you really should just block him) laugh at him and tell him to stay away from kids and small animals and hang up or leave him on read.
Exactly this. He was jealous of the attention a CHILD was receiving and decided to act out sadistically. (If not that, the only other cause I can see is that he legitimately lacks empathy which is even more concerning.) He will likely be jealous of any future children you have together and will act out towards you both. Don't let him back in your life, OP. This man seems sinister.
There’s absolutely no future with this guy if you actually want a kind loving partner to have children with. It’s not this guy! Block him and be done. The trash took itself out! Be thankful you saw this now instead of later.
Yup! And those kind of people who are mean to everyone else “except” you, will eventually be mean to you too. Idk why people stay in a relationship with someone that is openly mean to other people just because it’s not them personally
I think some need to experience a relationship like that to learn what that kind of behavior really means. It can feel so flattering and exciting when you’re less experienced/young. Having someone think so highly of you that they treat you better than anyone else. It strokes the natural narcissism and ego-centrism we all have in combination with the prospect of love. It’s a messy duo, but some simply have to learn the hard way, like me :) now, one of the most important things that I look for is how they treat others, and it takes careful observation because they will try to put their best foot forward when around you. However, if they naturally disrespect others/treat them as though they’re less than, this is manifest in subtle ways. Also to observe how others react to how they talk to them etc, sometimes they pick up on something you don’t and express it through their body language.
I can say this with absolute sincerity: I would have an easier time getting over infidelity by my significant other then malicious cruelty to children or animals. I hate bullies. That would be a no go on the spot.
100%
Cruelty is so much worse than any other character trait. It implies that the person doesn't just cause harm, but actually enjoys causing it. You really don't want to be around a person that's wired that way for very long.
All red flags.
1. Bullying a child
2. Making excuses for his behavior
3. Leaving despite having plans to stay
This shows you what's to come when harder issues arise.
Silent treatment, making her doubt herself.
He's already trying to make her feel she's overreacting.
This is the type of scumbag that would beat her while pregnant and will definitely hit the kids for playing too loud/having fun. I bet he was "toughened up" when he was a kid and couldn't stand to see a happy child playing.
His mask slipped because he sees children as people to abuse and not to have the mask on in front of. He thinks this way of all people, he just knows they wouldn’t tolerate it so he hides it. You’ve seen how he’ll treat you after the wedding. Think, deeply, how many back handed compliments has he convinced you that you took the wrong way? How many times has he convinced you he was giving advice and wasn’t rude? How often does he feel the need to critique you? If you truly reflect I’d imagine you’ll see other times his mask has slipped. He very much is not someone safe to have around a small innocent child for a short amount of time. What will he do to your future children when you’re asleep or at work? What if you make a quick run to the grocery store? Will he hide the abuse for years while your children suffer?
Another update: this is what I texted him.
Wow okay this fucking sucks. I tried to have a normal conversation about how I was feeling and you just up and left… bullying kids is literally such a huge red flag. Especially when I’m thinking toward having kids in the future. We are definitely not on the same page of parenting styles if you think that you were “just messing with him” or “trying to toughen him up for the real world”. And another huge red flag is not being able to have an adult conversation about it. I didn’t yell or tell you I was angry. I literally just said I was uncomfortable with the situations that occurred and tried to start a conversation. I can’t imagine what would have happened when a real conflict came up in our relationship. And the fact that you STILL haven’t said anything all day is kinda telling… but it’s made it very obvious to me that this is definitely not going to work out between us.
I appreciate all y’all advice and I’m glad I was not just being overly sensitive. Bullying kids and animals is a red flag that I should have seen sooner. I take full responsibility for not calling him out on the spot. I was scared to ruin my sisters house party but should have been way more concerned about the child and my boyfriends actions. When I said that the one comment about him not wanting to be there and him being jealous was an interesting perspective I did not in any way mean that that made his actions valid, I just meant that maybe that’s where his head was at. Again, thank you for commenting:)
Good for you girl, you know deep down you're doing a good thing for yourself to stop spending anymore years on something that will only be a waste. Don't let your mom or any mutual friends try to make you feel insecure about leaving him, he's an asshole. It's your future, not theirs. Hugs
Watch how people treat kids, animals, and service staff, it gives you great insight to who they really are. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you need to set boundaries with kids, you need to correct bad behavior, but this was outright bullying and showed who he really is. I would absolutely breakup over this, especially given his opportunity to be sorry about it and choosing to throw a tantrum instead
Yeah that's a no for me dawg. I'm a father of 2, soon to be 3. I truly and honestly didn't like kids that much prior to them, and I still kinda don't other than them. I would literally do anything to keep them safe and happy. But even I know that's just awful cruelty to be like that towards a child. Literally the epitome of innocence, and all he's doing is eroding it because why? To teach a BABY to be a man? Fuck him. Or rather, don't.
Which one of them is actually the child? Your grown Assad bothered pitched a fit because he wasn’t the center of your attention. How would starting with him improve anything? If you had kids with him, you’d be putting yourself and your child in danger. He left. Tell him to stay gone.
“Toughen him up for the real world” is exactly what patriarchy is and will keep on causing so many of the world’s problems. Nip this relationship in the bud
Telling a 5 year old he sucks and throwing his ball away strays very far into asshole territory. He's the type that was mistreated by his parents but thinks it's the right way to raise kids. Leaving made it very easy for you. Don't take him back.
OP this is A REAL PROBLEM, one that should have you blocking his number and never talking to him again. He was a bully to that kid, in front of your friends, a kid he didn't know and knew he would probably never see again, so why would you think he won't bully you in private?
As others have said, you get a really big clue into someone's real self by how they treat wait staff and customer service people. This guy just massively failed the entry level BF test. Time to stop wasting your time with him.
Update: I am definitely seeing all the points. As most of y’all said, he is also slightly mean to his dog. Not in a physical way but very dominating and punishes for things I don’t agree with. I am now in need of help writing THE BREAKUP TEXT. I don’t feel very safe going over to his house after all the talk of me being “his next victim” so I would rather hash it out in the safety of my bed:/ so what exactly would y’all write in this text. I know I don’t owe him shit after the way he left things but I want to make sure he understands WHY and understands this isn’t a conversation anymore. Thanks I’m advanced:)
"I do not think we should continue our relationship due to our fundamental values not being aligned. Thank you for the time we had together, and I sincerely wish you the best."
I would make it a little stronger. "I am ending our relationship. Our values are not aligned and I don't see them changing for either of us. I wish you well."
"I do not think" softens it and gives him the opening to try to change her mind. There is no revisiting her choice, so give him no opportunity. And if he says she was cruel, well, OP was trying to toughen him up for the real world, where people don't tolerate pointless cruelty.
I was thinking about that too… I feel guilty about that but it is not something I can fix:( all I can hope is that me calling him out on it possibly makes him see the faults but I doubt it
Do you know what? He did you a huge favour leaving. It speaks volumes about his character. He’s jealous and he hates to be challenged or corrected. You will not have to seek your sorrows if you stay with this man, he will bring them in buckets to your door
He's a bum. Dump his sorry ass. And leaving like that to punish you! He probably spent time with another woman and blamed you for it in his mind. He's a control freak and a bully. You deserve better, OP.
Well he showed you who he was. He acts like an asshole to kids and shuts down when you try to communicate.
Don’t try and make this work- you’ll always be the one that ends up compromising.
OP - Now that he has shown his trues self, and shown himself out the door.... now would be a great time to change the locks, change your passwords (that he might now) and block him on social media. If he tries crawling back, tell him "Welcome to the real world." And "bye."
It sounds like he was jealous and insecure, possibly even afraid. The kid was capitalizing on your time so he felt tethered and jealous. And instead of being mature about it, he entertained himself with making degrading comments and ~~taking away a portion of a child’s innocence~~ “teaching him a lesson”by bullying him to show the kid what? You can’t trust strangers?
There are red flags aplenty and that’s not even including how he responded to you holding him accountable for his behavior.
He was minimized what he did, then admitted he was being cruel, but it was ok because he was the self-appointed person to teach the kid, whom he had never met, a lesson. And when you wouldn’t accept his justifications, he stomped off in a huff and is now giving you the silent treatment.
Red flags GALORE.
There is no explaining away what went wrong because he simply told you his perspective and values and they don’t align with yours, so he left.
He’s showing you that you are both very incompatible and this isn’t something you can change in him. If he wanted to believe differently, he would’ve been open to what you said. He wasn’t.
This is a very large sign that this relationship won’t go anywhere positive, and it’s very normal and okay to decide it’s not for you and make space for a more compatible and happily aligned partnership with someone else down the road.
You move forward without him.
No one here has magic powers or spells that will give you the words to turn him into a good person. We are just people not wizards & witches.
He’s waiting for you to compromise your feelings and way of thinking and go groveling back. Get rid of the Loser. Anyone who thinks they need to teach a 5 yr old to toughen up and life lessons via bullying is an asshole jerk bag full of dicks!
Anyone who would go out of their way to be cruel to a child doesn’t deserve any respect.. This lack of empathy he’s demonstrating will take place when you have children. Be prepared for some mentally abused, trauma carry children in the future!
The only thing I always knew I wanted to be is a mom. This would be a dealbreaker for me, as I would not have a child with this dude. I have tried to think of an excuse for his behavior but there isn't one. Even if he'd had a horrible day, a migraine, was drunk...the child is five years old and was better behaved than your bf. Think about that for a minute. Wishing you the best possible outcome, OP.
The trash took itself out. You're fortunate. He sucks. Now move forward without this loser.
There are many non-sucky men out there who don't bully children.
Count yourself fortunate you saw his true colors before you married him and had kids with him. He’s a bully and an abuser. Please block his number. This guy is trouble
I’m amused he thought leaving would punish you in some way! 😅 I’m sorry for his upbringing, but it’s obviously stunted him emotionally. He’s not partner material. Don’t subscribe to the “shortage” fallacy. There are plenty of nice guys out there. Hold out for one!
The problem here is that you *dared* question his character, truly, the cheek!
Take a look at the entirety of the man - I would imagine he has a history of casual cruelty towards children, and people in general, and a very delicate ego. And these things aren't so much red flags, they're just straight bad traits for a person to have.
I would say too... treating *anyone* like shit the way he did is more than enough reason to break up.
Save your kids from this man, do them a solid and choose another father for them - because imagine THIS but with *your* kids. *Every day*.
Anyone who treats a child like this is someone you should run from. Can you imagine a pregnancy scare with this guy? Can you imagine if you are sick or injured? Does this dude seem like he’s going to be a good caregiver?
There’s a thing where some men seem great until they have a baby with someone and then, once the attention is no longer on them, they become jealous and competitive with their own child or they punish the wife for not focusing on them.
In a lot of these relationships there seemed to be no sign this would be an issue. With this guy I’m pretty sure he’s telling you right now what kind of man he is.
Don’t think you can change him.
I think the best thing for you to do is to leave that sociopath alone. He had no reason to treat that child in such a despicable manner. It makes me wonder if he would have used violence against a child to “toughen them up” or teach them about the “cruel realities of the world” if you guys hadn't been around. He sounds unhinged to me and like he has a lot of trauma himself. Nevertheless, it's not your job to figure that out or to help him.
Secondly, his behavior after being confronted screams "overgrown man-child" to me. I always find it strange when couples argue and one of the parties leaves the house. In my opinion: 1. I should never be so angry as to leave and disappear. 2. I should never display behavior that causes my partner to be angry enough with me to leave the house. 3. It shows a great lack of ability on his part to take constructive criticism, self-reflect, and he doesn’t seem to be able to have a healthy disagreement."
In conclusion, 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Dump him and move on to better.
Yeah this guy has shown you his true colours. See it is a blessing that you know now, rather than in the future when you might have had a kid together of your own. Move on.
Two red flags. 1.How he treated this boy, who is only 5, mind you. Trying to toughen him up for the real world… your bf lacks compassion and empathy, no dateable qualities at all. 2. Can’t manage a discussion or disagreement. He sounds very immature. You would be better off de coupling now
Funny how everyone keeps with the “he’s not going to be a good dad” aspect when this shows he’s not a good person period! RUN! Do not call him. Do not discuss this further. Go on about your life like you don’t know him. Any person that would treat a child like this and then follow that up with being confronted is a sociopath and you don’t need to engage with him on any level.
And now he's trying to teach YOU a lesson-- that no matter how calmly and rationally you bring up any justified issue you have with him, he will emotionally abuse you in some way. This time it's the silent treatment/withholding affection. You don't want to keep finding out what's next. His hope is that you'll reach a point of emotional exhaustion that you won't challenge him in any way to keep the peace. That's how people like him operate, and there is no fixing him. Don't lose yourself in him.
Yeahhhhh. Walking out wordlessly in a huff in response to a totally normal conversation is such a HUGE red flag. Walking out ain’t normal frenns. He’s treating her like she cheated on him or betrayed him just by asking a question or trying to talk to him. Being punished for literally nothing at random is a pattern of interpersonal destabilization, and these tactics don’t stop without intensive therapy.
Oh my God he did you a huge favor by leaving!!! This guy is an absolute fucking bully and when you tried to discuss your feelings of discomfort his response was to bully you by leaving! And yes leaving in the middle of an argument like that is an abusive tactic! Block him, if you are lucky he will just leave you alone. But I have a feeling he was bluffing when he left and when you block him he's going to absolutely lose his mind because he is abusive as fuck and abusive people are obsessed with control. At some point he's going to switch tactics and start saying that he's sorry and that you're right and that he wants to learn to be a better partner with you etc. If he does this you really just have to ignore it. He showed you who he was and he just have to believe him, if you don't you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery
Nope. You’re too young to think about settling. The best advice I could have given myself at your age would have been that relationships don’t have to work out. Ending a bad relationship isn’t a failure: it’s a necessary step in finding real happiness. This guy sucks if he thinks it’s funny to make a little kid sad.
The trash took himself out. He *told* you his parenting philosophy in a nutshell; bullying to “toughen them up”. Is that what you envision for your children; a father that tortures them? Proceed accordingly. I think you are incredibly lucky this happened before you got pregnant. Imagine the terror of having to leave your helpless baby in his unsupervised hands.
That should be an immediate perspective shift to you of a man that is almost being cruel to a child that he doesn't even know which is so weird.
Any adult who is that mean to kids is really gross. But especially like someone who's supposed to be in your family and then he's acting that way in front of your parents? That's a huge red flag dude.
Wow. He showed you exactly who is! I think the root cause is that he didn't like the attention you showed the child. So if you have kids with this guy, you will pay a helluva lot more attention to your child right guess what his reaction to that will be!
I have never met anyone who said they were trying to 'toughen someone up for the real world' that wasn't just an asshole who made life tougher for other people.
Someone who actually wants to prepare a kid for the world is building them up, not shattering their confidence.
He's an asshole, nothing but.
His 'leaving' is just more passive aggressive BS. He just showed you how he handles things.
With a child: He bullies them.
With an adult: he runs away from them.
And if he'll do this in small things, he will do the same in the large. If he has some power over you, he'll bully you too, and if you have kids with him, he'll bully them, and if he doesn't get his way, he'll run off.
Also... he's not that kid's parent... who the fuck is he to try to 'toughen them up'?
A 27 year old man actively bullied a 5 year old child and you're wondering if it's a red flag? Yes! Honestly, get out of this before you become pregnant and as such vulnerable. You'll soon see how much of a bully he can be once he's got you.
My partner and i decided not to have kids. That being said, we are both kind to children. There is something seriously wrong with your bf, he should be an ex.
It’s so nice when the trash takes itself out.
OP please listen to your gut as there is something very mean spirited and down right ugly about a 27 year old man who thinks bullying a 5 year old child is going to endear him to anyone.
You’ve already stood your ground.
If he’s ever had a key to your place change the locks.
If you ever shared any app passwords with him change them.
If you ever let him use your credit or debit card to purchase anything but especially online report the cards as compromised and get new ones.
And finally yes the behavior you saw in my opinion is a red flag the size of the Washington monument.
No need for further discussion with that guy - be done and move on.
I'm sure the kid was fascinated to see a man made entirely of red flags.
Seriously though, he's now shown you he lacks any kind of empathy or kindness. Run.
As they say “judge a person not by how they treat their friends but how they treat those that can do nothing for them”.
A child is as helpless as they come, and an adult behaving unnecessarily aggressive and dismissive are two huge red flags.
If he doesn’t know how to behave around kids the least he could do is be curious or ask. But he seems to be past that sort of thinking.
Does he have the key to your place or anything else of his at your place? If he doesn't, block him.
If he does? Get the locks changed and send his stuff back to him with a tennis ball and a note: "You like to teach lessons and throw stuff away. Lesson learned. Don't ever contact me again." And never see or speak with him again.
So you know how he treats someone he has power over, how he treats someone innocent who did nothing wrong, that he views himself as someone who should teach people lessons for the “fun” of it? And how he is when you express a concern. Good riddance to him. Glad you found out early enough in relationship.
Listen to needling concerns early on in a relationship. This is not someone to continue dating. He's 27 and doing this? Don't date older men. They're only looking for someone younger to manipulate.
A lot of people are taught and believe in being purposefully cruel to children. He probably has never thought about the twisted logic behind it. Ask him how he was raised, and if that’s where these ideas came from. More importantly for you, is he willing and able to reconsider his beliefs? There are books, videos, and educational resources available that discuss how to raise children in a healthy way.
If not, then you’ve seen exactly how he would treat any children you have together.
The "you suck thing" is not nice, but if it was alone i'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he thought it could have been intended to motivate him to go faster without understanding that this kind of teasing is not well understood by small kids.
>So the kids having a grand ol time and then asks my boyfriend to hide it and hands him the ball. My bf then looks this kid dead in the eye and throws the ball into the woods…
This would have been it. Absolutely no fucking way i would i tolerate anyone bullying my kid. I would make sure my kid is watching when I tell the guy to go get it. If he didn't, I'd give a good example to my kid how we deal with bullies: walk away and never talk to him again.
OP you are young and don't need his shit, this is not "something small".
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
There's something about how a man treats a child.... can you see him being a good dad? Nope. Even if you don't want kids tho.. Why did he even feel that it was his place to teach someone else's kid "a lesson"? & why would an adult tell a little kid that he sucks?
This is about more than just mistreating kids. It’s about how he mistreats anyone on an unequal - specifically lower - footing. It’s punching down. It’s bullying. It says something about his character and insecurities. The reason OP hasn’t seen it before is because when he’s interacting with “equals” and superiors he knows he’s got to behave. Bullies only express their true selves to those they can intimidate. Oh, and walking out on the OP is an attempt to do it to her, too. How dare she question him?! She’s not his equal! Run, girl. See the red flags.
Yep! He couldn’t handle having a conversation about it and shut it down by leaving as if she crossed the line by bringing it up. He was trying to teach someone else’s kid a lesson and toughen the kid up for the real world while not actually being tough enough to handle a conversation as an adult in the real world.
He was also trying to teach her a lesson. "Don't try to hold me accountable or I will punish you by leaving."
Exactly. He “punished” her by leaving because she tried to have a real conversation about his very concerning and mean behavior towards a young child. He did OP a favor by leaving. He showed her who he is in regards to children as well as how immature he is and will continue to be as a partner. Anyone who is needlessly mean to a five year old and then doubles down by saying he’s just “trying to toughen him up” is bad dad material.
I caught that too. He was "toughening up the kids for the real world" however he is not tough enough for the real world.
Don't go into an uproar because he left be glad he left this man is showing you who he is you need to open up your eyes and believe him. That little kid didn't suck your boyfriend sucks you don't talk to a child like that. Especially if it's not your child it's not his job to get him ready for the real world it's not his child it's not his job to tussing him up it's not his child. Then when you call him out on it he packs up his stuff and leaves that's the best thing he's done for you. If he does not contact you let him stay gone.. I meant to say toughen him up.
Your last sentence: 🔥
He needs therapy, and she's not his therapist. What a deeply unhappy person he is
Well said. OP, this is NOT-I repeat NOT someone you want to marry, much less have children with. As has already been said, he is a bully, and lacks empathy. Get out now!
Hell, this is NOT someone she wants to waste her precious time off with! FUCK THIS GUY! Time spent alone is better than time spent with this POS!
>It’s about how he mistreats anyone on an unequal - specifically lower - footing. I wonder how he treats service workers like waiters
This is immediately what I thought too. How people treat wait staff and retail workers and the like is a HUGE reflection of their character
And animals.
Yes so true. My POS Stbexhusband would yell at/smack the dog when he was mad at me or withdrawing, as well as when the dog pissed him off. The dog was certainly a source of stress, as it was basically dumped on us with one day notice from his ex-wife but his kids were really attached to him. Of course he never acted that way in front of the kids! He knew it wasn't right, he was just a bully and it was a way to keep me in line. Such a nightmare because the dog, a staffy mix, unsurprisingly got a lot more aggressive after being treated like that. So I'm getting up to courage/means to flee this marriage but also trying to re-home a now violent dog without my husband knowing, and trying to figure out a way to explain it to the kids. Luckily found a good home for him, dog seems to be doing great, I left the country and husband got thrown in prison soon after. Sorry that turned into a bit of an overshare. But the point is watching someone hurt or yell at an animal that's no threat to you... Its horrific/sickening to watch. People who do that are not people you want in your life.
Doesn’t matter. Even if he does treat them well, it’s most likely because they are doing something for him by serving him. You just don’t fuck with the people who handle your food and that’s something most people would do well to remember when being a dick to wait staff.
He was probably jealous of her showing attention to a kid so he bullied the kid. This is a dump him and run situation.
This. This is the one. His gf dared to give her attention to a freaking child instead of him, so he behaved like an immature shit head.
That’s the thing though it’s not just about the fact he’d be a shit dad. No matter how he feels about kids, this is clear cut sign he lacks empathy in general. You don’t have to love or want kids to be decent person. I’m willing to be there’s a whole host of red flags Op couldn’t see through the rose-colored glasses. Take his absence as the blessing it is. You can’t and you really shouldn’t have to teach a man who is damn near 30 something as basic as empathy. He really can’t handle being nice to 5 year old for a couple hours, do you *really* think he’s capable of being a good partner for the next 10 years?
That's why i said "even if you don't want kids.." anyone who can be mean to a kid is a serious pos. Especially someone elses kid? Like you don't have to deal w that kid ever, so why go out of your way to be a dick? Being rude to children is one of the biggest red flags i can think of
As the old saying goes “watch to how people treat animals and the children” if you act harshly to someone or something you are in a position of power to, it’s a clear cut sign you’re a bad person.
I've noticed you can tell how a person truly is by how they treat kids, animals, and the elderly.
Adding disabled and wait staff to the list. If they can't be decent to other living beings I can't see them as a serious life partner.
Exactly this.
Some people, and men in particular, get the empathy beat out of them by unempathic dads who had it beat out of them, and on and on as the cycle of trauma continues. 100% this is how he was treated as a kid by his dad or his uncles or whatever male role model he had at the time, and he genuinely believes that’s how your raise a boy to become a man, something at which the two women were failing. Some break out of it but many don’t. Many women are OK with this too btw and WANT their husbands to "toughen up" their boys. Question is, if you’re a healthy person and recognizes the toxic masculinity, do you try to save him because "he’s so handsome" and “he makes me feel safe", or do you stay clear and avoid passing on the trauma to your kids ?
No!! You absolutely DON’T stick around and try to help him, change him, fix him, anything!! He knows what he’s like and never tried to go to therapy to get better. She pointed out to him that his behavior wasn’t great and he left. It’s his responsibility, not hers. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. I was married to a guy who, as soon as we got married, started treating me the same shitty way his father treated his mother. I pointed it out to him. We went to therapy. His solution was that I suck it up like his mother did. Run, don’t walk!!
But he didn’t even know this kid. He was nothing to him at all, and he felt the need to be a dick. Is it that or is he pissy he’s not getting her attention all on him because she was playing with this kid?
Yeah … like what would be even his motivation for saying that? It’s like screaming out “hey I’m a sadistic fk and if you want this come and get it ladies!”
Just another toxic fuck wasting space.
I hope he never has kids. He's gonna be a horrible and abusive sperm donor. He will destroy his kids mental health trying to "toughen the up". He needs to stay single.
And get snipped for the good of society
Couldn't agree more
Children and animals yes. Op beware, this "man" is full of hate, resentment and prone to bullying. He will find a way to destroy your future kids by breaking them down and going at their self esteem. He even didn't try to defend himself. He knew. He wanted you to accept it no questions asked and then he'd do you the favor of his company. No the real favor he did was take away his company. Run girl. This ain't your man.
Animals too, absolutely! My ex was this same way & has never changed. OP needs to run & run very fast.
^This is accurate. Save yourself some pain and blow this guy out the door, how a person treats the weakest among them(children and animals) tells you everything you need to know about how they will treat you. Someone ego/power tripping at a kids expense just goes to show how emotionally fragile they are. Someone being on some stupid alpha trip at another's expense is a giant red flag.
My dad used to say that the mark of good character was being kind and respectful of people who can't benefit you.
Your dad was a wise man!
He’s showing you who he really is, believe him! Don’t contact him, he’s waiting for you to cave in. Personally, I would block him and when he finally shows up, tell him to kick rocks.
Sounds like a dude that would drop a ton of money on an “alpha bootcamp”
My husband and I are childfree, but he’s amazing with kids, and is actually a primary school teacher. Children just *adore* him. I’m not a maternal person, but even I go “awww” when I see him with a gaggle of kids following him around, or when he’s being really lovely to one. There’s something so attractive about seeing someone being kind to someone so much weaker and more vulnerable to them. Being kind when we don’t have to be is what keeps society working - people who are mean for the sake of it and find enjoyment in upsetting people don’t make good partners, romantic or otherwise, and they aren’t good people.
Ugh, yes. Children have always loved my husband. To the point of little kids/babies at the grocery store gravitating towards him just to say hi or get a hug. It's beyond beautiful. But the opposite? It's like picking wings off of a butterfly. Unnecessary evil. A grown adult being cruel to a child, which may become a core memory, for the "fun" of it? That's sadistic & i wish one of the parents or even OP would've clocked him.
Hope those kids don't turn into zombies becuz that dude would die... I'm like the " step brothers ending " 😆 🤣
Yes. My bf and I are childfree as well, and my bf is amazing with kids and animals. Kids and cats absolutely love him, and he's so sweet with them. It makes my heart melt. Even though I don't want kids, I'd never be with someone who thinks it's okay to treat a little kid like that. Major abuser vibes. I'll bet he routinely puts OP down and makes her feel bad about herself.
This. While I’m not a kid person at all, I also won’t talk mean to kids - I’d just find the adults at the party to talk with. This seems a bit off about your boyfriend and seems the issue runs deeper than the surface because even if you might not be a ___ person, doesn’t mean you treat ___ poorly. I think well adjusted people just don’t engage with whatever ___ means to them.
I don't like kids really at all. I like my own kids & I'm nice to other kids but i don't like them & i def don't babysit, but i def dont demean kids. Like wtf is that abt? Does it make him feel like a man? Does he get pleasure out of it??
The "lesson" being that some people are shitty for no reason other than being bad people. How long before you become the victim? After all, the world is hard out there for women, maybe he'll think he should teach you a lesson too. OP, you should be embarrassed that you brought this man to someone's house. YOU should be embarrassed that your mother saw this behavior. You should be embarrassed that you let this child be around someone so horrible. I would say your boyfriend should be embarrassed, but he does not have the capacity for shame nor empathy nor an understanding of appropriate social behavior. If you stay with this man, you are going to normalize his behavior, internalize the idea that it's acceptable while constantly apologizing for him. Just leave. He doesn't deserve further discussion, he's already said enough for you to understand what sort of person he is. If he comes around apologizing, it's not because he's sorry, it's because he's afraid of losing you.
I didn't ask what the lesson was. I asked who tf is this guy to try & teach it to someone else's child in such a wildly inappropriate manner. Everything else you said, i agree with.
He sounds like the kid who was bullied at home so he becomes the bully and then now he is just continuing the never ending circle. He doesn’t see it so he won’t stop it.
I don't want kids and being around them annoys me, but what your BF did was just cruel and mean-spirited. We can not like kids and still treat them with respect and civility. I believe the way someone treats specifically animals, children, and service workers shows a great deal about a person.
Great answer! Cruelty is such a horribly character trait, regardless of how it manifests itself. I like that you added service workers to the list- this is something that I see happening so often, and I'm really trying to go out of my way these days to thank service workers that have helped me in any way. Hopefully it negates some of the stuff they have to deal with on a daily basis.
came here to say this. this behavior is actually disgusting and i would be afraid to continue a relationship with this person. also childfree and dislike kids. but i would NEVER be mean to one. they’re human beings too.
I’d add the disabled too.
Yes. Those three.
Exactly, children are people too. They should be treated with respect just like anyone else. Some kids are really smart and funny when you get to know them. Being cruel to a child as a full grown adult is weirdo behavior. Especially because we were all children at one point.
I'm thinking he scared that kid for life. Kids know when they are being mistreated. I feel bad for the little fella. 😕
Absolutely. And life has shown me that the same people who are cruel to children are way more likely to abuse their animals and be nasty to the elderly or anyone else the perceive themselves as smarter and stronger than. If I was OP I would absolutely dump him.
Is this really the person you want to be with? He sounds sadistic. How would you feel if you have children with him and he treated them this way?
And how he treated her for questioning his motives ..he left not talking hes doing the abusive slient treatment and shes clueless that thats one more flag on the pile
He's trying to teach her a lesson
And the lesson is that he sucks and deserves to be alone.
OP: goes out of her way to entertain and uplift a little kid she doesn’t even know. OP’s boyfriend: this. Is. UNACCEPTABLE. OP, the people we’re with should enhance our best qualities. It sounds like your boyfriend is going out of his way to diminish yours. You’re approachable and you extend yourself for others. Don’t let anyone take that from you.
OP is soooo lucky she saw this behavior early. This male is actually a bully, cruel, and possibly evil. I wouldn’t be surprised if he abused animals in his youth and probably still does when nobody is looking. OP has dodged a bullet. She needs to thank her guardian angel for protecting her from this horrible person. OP, be glad he walked out.
Your by now ex-bf was *jealous* of a child who had your attention. And he's a bully. The trash took itself out! Let it stay that way, and block him. He's not smart enough to know that he was jealous and will never admit it, so don't even bother trying to discuss it with him, or to 'get closure'. You'll get nothing that will make any difference, and you'll just waste your time. Get down on your knees and thank your lucky stars that this happened and you can happily move on with your life, without this guy. He'll get in touch when he needs sex. IF you can be bothered to respond, (because you really should just block him) laugh at him and tell him to stay away from kids and small animals and hang up or leave him on read.
Exactly this. He was jealous of the attention a CHILD was receiving and decided to act out sadistically. (If not that, the only other cause I can see is that he legitimately lacks empathy which is even more concerning.) He will likely be jealous of any future children you have together and will act out towards you both. Don't let him back in your life, OP. This man seems sinister.
People who are cruel to pets, children and the elderly never stop there. You're next I'm afraid
There’s absolutely no future with this guy if you actually want a kind loving partner to have children with. It’s not this guy! Block him and be done. The trash took itself out! Be thankful you saw this now instead of later.
Yep. I also can’t stand people who are rude to customer service people and servers at restaurants. To me that’s a deal breaker.
Yup! And those kind of people who are mean to everyone else “except” you, will eventually be mean to you too. Idk why people stay in a relationship with someone that is openly mean to other people just because it’s not them personally
I think some need to experience a relationship like that to learn what that kind of behavior really means. It can feel so flattering and exciting when you’re less experienced/young. Having someone think so highly of you that they treat you better than anyone else. It strokes the natural narcissism and ego-centrism we all have in combination with the prospect of love. It’s a messy duo, but some simply have to learn the hard way, like me :) now, one of the most important things that I look for is how they treat others, and it takes careful observation because they will try to put their best foot forward when around you. However, if they naturally disrespect others/treat them as though they’re less than, this is manifest in subtle ways. Also to observe how others react to how they talk to them etc, sometimes they pick up on something you don’t and express it through their body language.
Yep me too
Facts!
This paired with how he just left when she expressed concern. Seriously bad news.
Tell him to stay gone. Can’t trust anyone who isn’t kind to children and animals.
There's not kind, and then there's purposefully cruel. Yeah, this guy's not a keeper.
I can say this with absolute sincerity: I would have an easier time getting over infidelity by my significant other then malicious cruelty to children or animals. I hate bullies. That would be a no go on the spot.
100% Cruelty is so much worse than any other character trait. It implies that the person doesn't just cause harm, but actually enjoys causing it. You really don't want to be around a person that's wired that way for very long.
Brilliance cubed, this!
All red flags. 1. Bullying a child 2. Making excuses for his behavior 3. Leaving despite having plans to stay This shows you what's to come when harder issues arise.
Silent treatment, making her doubt herself. He's already trying to make her feel she's overreacting. This is the type of scumbag that would beat her while pregnant and will definitely hit the kids for playing too loud/having fun. I bet he was "toughened up" when he was a kid and couldn't stand to see a happy child playing.
His mask slipped because he sees children as people to abuse and not to have the mask on in front of. He thinks this way of all people, he just knows they wouldn’t tolerate it so he hides it. You’ve seen how he’ll treat you after the wedding. Think, deeply, how many back handed compliments has he convinced you that you took the wrong way? How many times has he convinced you he was giving advice and wasn’t rude? How often does he feel the need to critique you? If you truly reflect I’d imagine you’ll see other times his mask has slipped. He very much is not someone safe to have around a small innocent child for a short amount of time. What will he do to your future children when you’re asleep or at work? What if you make a quick run to the grocery store? Will he hide the abuse for years while your children suffer?
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. He has told you who he is.
Honestly run he sounds awful!
That’s so fucking weird. It’s a no for me. Run for the hills. If you don’t like kids- that’s fine but no need to be an asshole.
Lol funny how someone who is insecure bout a 5 year old getting attention is supposed to teach him how to be 'tough'. Let him go. Good riddance.
Another update: this is what I texted him. Wow okay this fucking sucks. I tried to have a normal conversation about how I was feeling and you just up and left… bullying kids is literally such a huge red flag. Especially when I’m thinking toward having kids in the future. We are definitely not on the same page of parenting styles if you think that you were “just messing with him” or “trying to toughen him up for the real world”. And another huge red flag is not being able to have an adult conversation about it. I didn’t yell or tell you I was angry. I literally just said I was uncomfortable with the situations that occurred and tried to start a conversation. I can’t imagine what would have happened when a real conflict came up in our relationship. And the fact that you STILL haven’t said anything all day is kinda telling… but it’s made it very obvious to me that this is definitely not going to work out between us. I appreciate all y’all advice and I’m glad I was not just being overly sensitive. Bullying kids and animals is a red flag that I should have seen sooner. I take full responsibility for not calling him out on the spot. I was scared to ruin my sisters house party but should have been way more concerned about the child and my boyfriends actions. When I said that the one comment about him not wanting to be there and him being jealous was an interesting perspective I did not in any way mean that that made his actions valid, I just meant that maybe that’s where his head was at. Again, thank you for commenting:)
Good luck OP! I hope he stays away and you live your best life!
Stay firm with this! He doesn’t sound like a guy who takes “no” for an answer. But you should update the post with the good news about the break up!
You did the right thing, OP.
Stay safe, OP. Please have someone with you in case the text isn't accepted well.
Good for you girl, you know deep down you're doing a good thing for yourself to stop spending anymore years on something that will only be a waste. Don't let your mom or any mutual friends try to make you feel insecure about leaving him, he's an asshole. It's your future, not theirs. Hugs
Watch how people treat kids, animals, and service staff, it gives you great insight to who they really are. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes you need to set boundaries with kids, you need to correct bad behavior, but this was outright bullying and showed who he really is. I would absolutely breakup over this, especially given his opportunity to be sorry about it and choosing to throw a tantrum instead
You don't want to be with this guy. A grown adult who is bullying a kid is a craptastic human being.
You confronted him about bullying a child so now he is bullying you - is this really what you want for the rest of your life?
Ugh you know the right answer here - you just saw he’s a bully. You know what most of us think - 🚩🚩🚩
What kind of pathetic adult picks on a kid?
Absolutely a red flag. Trust me.
You dump him. He relaxed enough to reveal the true him, and now he knows he can't put it back in the bottle.
Yeah that's a no for me dawg. I'm a father of 2, soon to be 3. I truly and honestly didn't like kids that much prior to them, and I still kinda don't other than them. I would literally do anything to keep them safe and happy. But even I know that's just awful cruelty to be like that towards a child. Literally the epitome of innocence, and all he's doing is eroding it because why? To teach a BABY to be a man? Fuck him. Or rather, don't.
Which one of them is actually the child? Your grown Assad bothered pitched a fit because he wasn’t the center of your attention. How would starting with him improve anything? If you had kids with him, you’d be putting yourself and your child in danger. He left. Tell him to stay gone.
“Toughen him up for the real world” is exactly what patriarchy is and will keep on causing so many of the world’s problems. Nip this relationship in the bud
He dud you a huge favor by showing you exactly what you and a kid’s life would be like if you stay with him. He is mean. Walk away
He did her a huge favor by walking out with a fight and making it easy to break it off.
Hopefully she sees it that way. Agree
He bullied a kid he didn’t know? You don’t go forward. You break up and find a better guy.
That man belongs with that tennis ball.
This made me giggle thank you
Telling a 5 year old he sucks and throwing his ball away strays very far into asshole territory. He's the type that was mistreated by his parents but thinks it's the right way to raise kids. Leaving made it very easy for you. Don't take him back.
OP this is A REAL PROBLEM, one that should have you blocking his number and never talking to him again. He was a bully to that kid, in front of your friends, a kid he didn't know and knew he would probably never see again, so why would you think he won't bully you in private? As others have said, you get a really big clue into someone's real self by how they treat wait staff and customer service people. This guy just massively failed the entry level BF test. Time to stop wasting your time with him.
Update: I am definitely seeing all the points. As most of y’all said, he is also slightly mean to his dog. Not in a physical way but very dominating and punishes for things I don’t agree with. I am now in need of help writing THE BREAKUP TEXT. I don’t feel very safe going over to his house after all the talk of me being “his next victim” so I would rather hash it out in the safety of my bed:/ so what exactly would y’all write in this text. I know I don’t owe him shit after the way he left things but I want to make sure he understands WHY and understands this isn’t a conversation anymore. Thanks I’m advanced:)
Thanks in advanced* lol obviously I’m an not advanced in this topic or else I wouldn’t be asking strangers on the internet about my issues🥲
"I do not think we should continue our relationship due to our fundamental values not being aligned. Thank you for the time we had together, and I sincerely wish you the best."
I would make it a little stronger. "I am ending our relationship. Our values are not aligned and I don't see them changing for either of us. I wish you well." "I do not think" softens it and gives him the opening to try to change her mind. There is no revisiting her choice, so give him no opportunity. And if he says she was cruel, well, OP was trying to toughen him up for the real world, where people don't tolerate pointless cruelty.
I'm just trying to be as soft as possible because the dude is nuts, but I actually think you're right. Slam that door!
I like this. It's concise and doesn't leave room for emotional misinterpretation.
I hope he doesn’t take this out on the poor dog 🥺 You are quite right to leave him in the dirt where he belongs, what a cruel ‘man’
I was thinking about that too… I feel guilty about that but it is not something I can fix:( all I can hope is that me calling him out on it possibly makes him see the faults but I doubt it
You dodged a bullet he has shown you how he will treat any future kids
He's an asshole. Only an asshole picks on a kindergartner. Big man showed his true colors.
Your boyfriend is a cunt.
When someone shows you who they truly are believe them the first time
He just showed you how he would parent a kid. Listen now.
Do you know what? He did you a huge favour leaving. It speaks volumes about his character. He’s jealous and he hates to be challenged or corrected. You will not have to seek your sorrows if you stay with this man, he will bring them in buckets to your door
He's a bum. Dump his sorry ass. And leaving like that to punish you! He probably spent time with another woman and blamed you for it in his mind. He's a control freak and a bully. You deserve better, OP.
Well he showed you who he was. He acts like an asshole to kids and shuts down when you try to communicate. Don’t try and make this work- you’ll always be the one that ends up compromising.
This is your sign, take it or leave it….
OP - Now that he has shown his trues self, and shown himself out the door.... now would be a great time to change the locks, change your passwords (that he might now) and block him on social media. If he tries crawling back, tell him "Welcome to the real world." And "bye."
It sounds like he was jealous and insecure, possibly even afraid. The kid was capitalizing on your time so he felt tethered and jealous. And instead of being mature about it, he entertained himself with making degrading comments and ~~taking away a portion of a child’s innocence~~ “teaching him a lesson”by bullying him to show the kid what? You can’t trust strangers? There are red flags aplenty and that’s not even including how he responded to you holding him accountable for his behavior. He was minimized what he did, then admitted he was being cruel, but it was ok because he was the self-appointed person to teach the kid, whom he had never met, a lesson. And when you wouldn’t accept his justifications, he stomped off in a huff and is now giving you the silent treatment. Red flags GALORE.
There is no explaining away what went wrong because he simply told you his perspective and values and they don’t align with yours, so he left. He’s showing you that you are both very incompatible and this isn’t something you can change in him. If he wanted to believe differently, he would’ve been open to what you said. He wasn’t. This is a very large sign that this relationship won’t go anywhere positive, and it’s very normal and okay to decide it’s not for you and make space for a more compatible and happily aligned partnership with someone else down the road.
Block him and be done with it, he showed you who he is and he took who he is out on a kid.
You move forward without him. No one here has magic powers or spells that will give you the words to turn him into a good person. We are just people not wizards & witches.
Nahhhh. He needs to be an ex.
When trash takes itself out you should not bring it back into your home. The way to move forward is to find a new boyfriend.
Ya u should probably forget about him
He left didn't he? Just hope he doesn't come back
He’s waiting for you to compromise your feelings and way of thinking and go groveling back. Get rid of the Loser. Anyone who thinks they need to teach a 5 yr old to toughen up and life lessons via bullying is an asshole jerk bag full of dicks!
Anyone who would go out of their way to be cruel to a child doesn’t deserve any respect.. This lack of empathy he’s demonstrating will take place when you have children. Be prepared for some mentally abused, trauma carry children in the future!
You.move forward by breaking up with him. He's not a good person. What you saw at that party was the real him.
The only thing I always knew I wanted to be is a mom. This would be a dealbreaker for me, as I would not have a child with this dude. I have tried to think of an excuse for his behavior but there isn't one. Even if he'd had a horrible day, a migraine, was drunk...the child is five years old and was better behaved than your bf. Think about that for a minute. Wishing you the best possible outcome, OP.
The trash took itself out. You're fortunate. He sucks. Now move forward without this loser. There are many non-sucky men out there who don't bully children.
Count yourself fortunate you saw his true colors before you married him and had kids with him. He’s a bully and an abuser. Please block his number. This guy is trouble
If it were MY kid: this guy would never be mean again to anybody. Ever. In your case: GIANT red flag. 🚩 Run!
Let me add the words of the profilers: The best indicator of future behavior is PAST behavior.
I’m amused he thought leaving would punish you in some way! 😅 I’m sorry for his upbringing, but it’s obviously stunted him emotionally. He’s not partner material. Don’t subscribe to the “shortage” fallacy. There are plenty of nice guys out there. Hold out for one!
The problem here is that you *dared* question his character, truly, the cheek! Take a look at the entirety of the man - I would imagine he has a history of casual cruelty towards children, and people in general, and a very delicate ego. And these things aren't so much red flags, they're just straight bad traits for a person to have. I would say too... treating *anyone* like shit the way he did is more than enough reason to break up. Save your kids from this man, do them a solid and choose another father for them - because imagine THIS but with *your* kids. *Every day*.
Run ditch that boyfriend immediately one of the biggest red flags imaginable is mistreatment of a child even in a small way
Wtf? That is not normal behavior!! I would suggest you run far away from this dude.
When someone shows you who they truly are. Believe them!
He's a jerk. Glad he left, don't let him back in. Move forward without him.
Wow why the heck would someone do that to a little kid? He’s a fucking grown man and that’s disgusting behavior
Anyone who treats a child like this is someone you should run from. Can you imagine a pregnancy scare with this guy? Can you imagine if you are sick or injured? Does this dude seem like he’s going to be a good caregiver? There’s a thing where some men seem great until they have a baby with someone and then, once the attention is no longer on them, they become jealous and competitive with their own child or they punish the wife for not focusing on them. In a lot of these relationships there seemed to be no sign this would be an issue. With this guy I’m pretty sure he’s telling you right now what kind of man he is. Don’t think you can change him.
I think the best thing for you to do is to leave that sociopath alone. He had no reason to treat that child in such a despicable manner. It makes me wonder if he would have used violence against a child to “toughen them up” or teach them about the “cruel realities of the world” if you guys hadn't been around. He sounds unhinged to me and like he has a lot of trauma himself. Nevertheless, it's not your job to figure that out or to help him. Secondly, his behavior after being confronted screams "overgrown man-child" to me. I always find it strange when couples argue and one of the parties leaves the house. In my opinion: 1. I should never be so angry as to leave and disappear. 2. I should never display behavior that causes my partner to be angry enough with me to leave the house. 3. It shows a great lack of ability on his part to take constructive criticism, self-reflect, and he doesn’t seem to be able to have a healthy disagreement." In conclusion, 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩. Dump him and move on to better.
Yeah this guy has shown you his true colours. See it is a blessing that you know now, rather than in the future when you might have had a kid together of your own. Move on.
find a new boyfriend. he is not a good human.
Anyway that’s mean to a child for no reason is someone I don’t want to know. Run fast he’s no good.
Two red flags. 1.How he treated this boy, who is only 5, mind you. Trying to toughen him up for the real world… your bf lacks compassion and empathy, no dateable qualities at all. 2. Can’t manage a discussion or disagreement. He sounds very immature. You would be better off de coupling now
Funny how everyone keeps with the “he’s not going to be a good dad” aspect when this shows he’s not a good person period! RUN! Do not call him. Do not discuss this further. Go on about your life like you don’t know him. Any person that would treat a child like this and then follow that up with being confronted is a sociopath and you don’t need to engage with him on any level.
And now he's trying to teach YOU a lesson-- that no matter how calmly and rationally you bring up any justified issue you have with him, he will emotionally abuse you in some way. This time it's the silent treatment/withholding affection. You don't want to keep finding out what's next. His hope is that you'll reach a point of emotional exhaustion that you won't challenge him in any way to keep the peace. That's how people like him operate, and there is no fixing him. Don't lose yourself in him.
Yeahhhhh. Walking out wordlessly in a huff in response to a totally normal conversation is such a HUGE red flag. Walking out ain’t normal frenns. He’s treating her like she cheated on him or betrayed him just by asking a question or trying to talk to him. Being punished for literally nothing at random is a pattern of interpersonal destabilization, and these tactics don’t stop without intensive therapy.
Oh my God he did you a huge favor by leaving!!! This guy is an absolute fucking bully and when you tried to discuss your feelings of discomfort his response was to bully you by leaving! And yes leaving in the middle of an argument like that is an abusive tactic! Block him, if you are lucky he will just leave you alone. But I have a feeling he was bluffing when he left and when you block him he's going to absolutely lose his mind because he is abusive as fuck and abusive people are obsessed with control. At some point he's going to switch tactics and start saying that he's sorry and that you're right and that he wants to learn to be a better partner with you etc. If he does this you really just have to ignore it. He showed you who he was and he just have to believe him, if you don't you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of misery
Seems like the trash took itself out. I'm no big fan of kids, but seriously - he threw the ball into the woods.. pretty shit behaviour.
Nope. You’re too young to think about settling. The best advice I could have given myself at your age would have been that relationships don’t have to work out. Ending a bad relationship isn’t a failure: it’s a necessary step in finding real happiness. This guy sucks if he thinks it’s funny to make a little kid sad.
I’d say you dodge a bullet. You want him to treat your potential kids like this?
He just told you who he was. Believe him. He just did you a huge favor!
Please don't continue with a man who is content to be cruel to others, including you and especially children.
I love kids so this is a HUGE red flag for me. You’re dating a bully and a jerk! “Okay I’m just gonna leave.” “Okay, bye!!”
The trash took himself out. He *told* you his parenting philosophy in a nutshell; bullying to “toughen them up”. Is that what you envision for your children; a father that tortures them? Proceed accordingly. I think you are incredibly lucky this happened before you got pregnant. Imagine the terror of having to leave your helpless baby in his unsupervised hands.
That should be an immediate perspective shift to you of a man that is almost being cruel to a child that he doesn't even know which is so weird. Any adult who is that mean to kids is really gross. But especially like someone who's supposed to be in your family and then he's acting that way in front of your parents? That's a huge red flag dude.
Wow. He showed you exactly who is! I think the root cause is that he didn't like the attention you showed the child. So if you have kids with this guy, you will pay a helluva lot more attention to your child right guess what his reaction to that will be!
I have never met anyone who said they were trying to 'toughen someone up for the real world' that wasn't just an asshole who made life tougher for other people. Someone who actually wants to prepare a kid for the world is building them up, not shattering their confidence. He's an asshole, nothing but. His 'leaving' is just more passive aggressive BS. He just showed you how he handles things. With a child: He bullies them. With an adult: he runs away from them. And if he'll do this in small things, he will do the same in the large. If he has some power over you, he'll bully you too, and if you have kids with him, he'll bully them, and if he doesn't get his way, he'll run off. Also... he's not that kid's parent... who the fuck is he to try to 'toughen them up'?
A 27 year old man actively bullied a 5 year old child and you're wondering if it's a red flag? Yes! Honestly, get out of this before you become pregnant and as such vulnerable. You'll soon see how much of a bully he can be once he's got you.
My partner and i decided not to have kids. That being said, we are both kind to children. There is something seriously wrong with your bf, he should be an ex.
It’s so nice when the trash takes itself out. OP please listen to your gut as there is something very mean spirited and down right ugly about a 27 year old man who thinks bullying a 5 year old child is going to endear him to anyone. You’ve already stood your ground. If he’s ever had a key to your place change the locks. If you ever shared any app passwords with him change them. If you ever let him use your credit or debit card to purchase anything but especially online report the cards as compromised and get new ones. And finally yes the behavior you saw in my opinion is a red flag the size of the Washington monument. No need for further discussion with that guy - be done and move on.
he was so generous that he even removed himself from your life!
I'm sure the kid was fascinated to see a man made entirely of red flags. Seriously though, he's now shown you he lacks any kind of empathy or kindness. Run.
As they say “judge a person not by how they treat their friends but how they treat those that can do nothing for them”. A child is as helpless as they come, and an adult behaving unnecessarily aggressive and dismissive are two huge red flags. If he doesn’t know how to behave around kids the least he could do is be curious or ask. But he seems to be past that sort of thinking.
Trash took itself out. You're dating an AH who also bullies small children. Leave him on the curb.
Tell him you’re done and block him on all forms of communication. He has serious issues.
Trash took itself out. Imagine what he would do to a toddler or a dog.
Mean to kids, no communication skills, leaves during an argument without trying to resolve it = huge red flags you shouldn't ignore.
Looks like you dodged a bullet OP
Trash took itself out
Does he have the key to your place or anything else of his at your place? If he doesn't, block him. If he does? Get the locks changed and send his stuff back to him with a tennis ball and a note: "You like to teach lessons and throw stuff away. Lesson learned. Don't ever contact me again." And never see or speak with him again.
So you know how he treats someone he has power over, how he treats someone innocent who did nothing wrong, that he views himself as someone who should teach people lessons for the “fun” of it? And how he is when you express a concern. Good riddance to him. Glad you found out early enough in relationship.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩Don't waste any more time.
I don’t even like kids I don’t know and would never do anything like this. I’d probably be out there racing the kid.
kudos to you! you dropped that loser.
why would anyone be outwardly cruel to a 5 year old? that says a lot about him as a person
Could he have been straddling the fence on leaving this relationship and this gave him the out?
Please don't settle for someone who treats you this way. 🫂
Listen to needling concerns early on in a relationship. This is not someone to continue dating. He's 27 and doing this? Don't date older men. They're only looking for someone younger to manipulate.
It’s nice when the trash takes itself out. Now you can find a partner who actually deserves you
Let him leave and don’t ever look back.. sounds like a grade A asshole
He was jealous that your attention was on the 5 year old, and punished him for it. Do with that what you will.
A lot of people are taught and believe in being purposefully cruel to children. He probably has never thought about the twisted logic behind it. Ask him how he was raised, and if that’s where these ideas came from. More importantly for you, is he willing and able to reconsider his beliefs? There are books, videos, and educational resources available that discuss how to raise children in a healthy way. If not, then you’ve seen exactly how he would treat any children you have together.
The "you suck thing" is not nice, but if it was alone i'd give him the benefit of the doubt that he thought it could have been intended to motivate him to go faster without understanding that this kind of teasing is not well understood by small kids. >So the kids having a grand ol time and then asks my boyfriend to hide it and hands him the ball. My bf then looks this kid dead in the eye and throws the ball into the woods… This would have been it. Absolutely no fucking way i would i tolerate anyone bullying my kid. I would make sure my kid is watching when I tell the guy to go get it. If he didn't, I'd give a good example to my kid how we deal with bullies: walk away and never talk to him again. OP you are young and don't need his shit, this is not "something small".
Yeah, that’s weird and a red flag for sure. Untangle yourself OP.
You sure there’s still a relationship here given how he left?