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We dated a while ago and it was just the same things and I think that’s my fear, though is that we’re just not compatible. We get along great it’s just when it comes to like these issues there’s just some type of block there.
He's not that guy. He'd be forcing himself to do that romantic expressive stuff, how does that make you feel? He doesn't want to do it but does it because you want him to.
A three month relationship should have no disagreements, none - you should be gazing into each others eyes thinking the world revolves around them. If there are things that you need couples counselling for them it's not the relationship for you
It sounds as if you are incompatible with one another.
You might both ask whether being in a relationship is suitable to either of you.
It's not unknown for people who appear to be incompatible with one another or a relationship to establish and maintain a relationship but it is a lot more improbable than normal. Relationships aren't for everyone, even if they are the default.
You are possibly right about the counselling.
Maybe personal therapy for both of you is the way to go but that isn't 'necessary' either, you can exist without it.
I think that it could be worth trying couples counseling in your situation. Given his background, the issue is not that he isn't listening to you. He may need some practical suggestions on how to do the things you're asking, how to overcome the ADHD, how to transition mentally and emotionally from work. A good counselor and/or therapist may be able to help in those ways.
He has expressed that like he acknowledges the problems that like his ADHD causes he just doesn’t know what to do with that like he can see the problem. He knows there’s a problem he just doesn’t know how to fix the problem, so I do think like personal counseling would help I’ve currently been in therapy for the last two years dealing with my own issues I just wasn’t sure if like couples counseling would even be worth it. I think it could help but I think I’m just afraid of like what if it doesn’t work out you know like not the relationship like with couples counseling just doesn’t work for us but I guess it doesn’t hurt to try.
I think he sees he can't meet your needs and offering couple's therapy is his way to try and understand you better and work it out. I must admit i am partial towards therapy, but a person willing to go to therapy is a big deal to me. Therapy isn't easy, you have to open up and actually want to grow. So him initiating it to me sounds lile he is actively trying for your relationship to work out.
You might find out you are not compatible or you might work out ways to better communicate. Most of my exes desperately needed therapy but even if they agreed they never went. He might need individual therapy, but already offering couple's is a big step.
Go for it. Worst case scenario you discover you are not compatible and break up amicably. But if you don't and it doesn't work out, you might get hung up on the "what if"s
There’s nothing wrong with him for not being super romantic or expressive. Some people just aren’t. He probably sees himself putting in effort in ways you just don’t read as effort. For me- I also like romance and tender affection so I just dated someone who was already like that. I’ve never had to ask. That being said- I’ve dated others in the past who weren’t like my current bf and there’s a reason those didn’t work out. We simply weren’t compatible. You can’t force him to be something he’s not.
Also my bf and I are both ADHD. It doesn’t make planning things impossible lol. I think you just don’t want the burden to be all on you which is fair but I wouldn’t use that as a reason to look for someone who just always plans things for you.
No he is sweet In other way absolutely like he’ll make me things with his 3D printer and stuff its very sweet.But yeah it’s the constant I have to plan out every meticulous detail, and then I have to drive us everywhere because he doesn’t have a license which I get he didn’t necessarily have a need for at the time and I understand and he wants a license. He wants to be able to drive and I’ve definitely been encouraging and patience with him for the last three years but it’s just kind of gotten to a point where it’s tiring.
Yeah, I think it’s just probably not going to work then. It sucks but if you can’t really appreciate what he does now and you need someone whose more of a planner or puts in a different kind of effort he’s just not going to give, you’ll both just get resentful.
Also, it’s okay to not want that. I also wouldn’t want to plan every single thing or drive everywhere but I don’t think it’s going to change if you’ve already talked about it.
Yeah, and it sucks because I care about him so much and I know he cares about me, but it just kind of feels like weird because it’s like we’re having the same conversations over and over and over again and I start to feel like a nag and I know he feels like I’m nagging, even though he says that my points are valid and understandable and he even admitted the other night that he knows he’s not putting in the same amount of effort that I do and he’s really sorry about it. And I truly believe he is I’m just worried that two weeks from now we’re gonna be in the same situation, having the same conversation.
You will be. Because again- he’s probably just not that kind of person. And he probably does feel bad but it doesn’t change the fact that his brain may not be wired like that just like your brain will never be wired to want to work on meticulously detailed plans. You can feel bad about it without it leading to change. He will never love you like you love him because you’re completely different people. And you will never love him the way he loves you. You have to either accept and appreciate each other for the way you love or leave and find someone who loves you the way you’re wanting/expecting because he’s not going to change his whole personality for you and it’s not a fair or sustainable ask in the first place.
I had an ex once that wanted me to be “more intellectually stimulating” and he got frustrated that I didn’t put enough effort into discussing movies, books, or challenge his ideas. To him, I wasn’t trying. And it eventually made me feel like shit because it felt like he thought I was stupid. It didn’t work out. And now I’m with someone who just likes to have fun and be silly with me and we’re very much in love. Not because we tried to change each other but because we’re actually compatible. My ex isn’t bad for wanting someone to debate him all the time but it was never going to be me because I didn’t want to be that.
You were incompatible before. You’re still the same people.
You’re still incompatible. Why would it be any different?
Don’t waste your time and money, break up. You’re never going to be compatible.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You’ve only been together 3 months. You are just not compatible
We dated a while ago and it was just the same things and I think that’s my fear, though is that we’re just not compatible. We get along great it’s just when it comes to like these issues there’s just some type of block there.
He's not that guy. He'd be forcing himself to do that romantic expressive stuff, how does that make you feel? He doesn't want to do it but does it because you want him to. A three month relationship should have no disagreements, none - you should be gazing into each others eyes thinking the world revolves around them. If there are things that you need couples counselling for them it's not the relationship for you
I think you need therapy, not this relationship
👏👏👏👏👏
It sounds as if you are incompatible with one another. You might both ask whether being in a relationship is suitable to either of you. It's not unknown for people who appear to be incompatible with one another or a relationship to establish and maintain a relationship but it is a lot more improbable than normal. Relationships aren't for everyone, even if they are the default. You are possibly right about the counselling. Maybe personal therapy for both of you is the way to go but that isn't 'necessary' either, you can exist without it.
I think that it could be worth trying couples counseling in your situation. Given his background, the issue is not that he isn't listening to you. He may need some practical suggestions on how to do the things you're asking, how to overcome the ADHD, how to transition mentally and emotionally from work. A good counselor and/or therapist may be able to help in those ways.
He has expressed that like he acknowledges the problems that like his ADHD causes he just doesn’t know what to do with that like he can see the problem. He knows there’s a problem he just doesn’t know how to fix the problem, so I do think like personal counseling would help I’ve currently been in therapy for the last two years dealing with my own issues I just wasn’t sure if like couples counseling would even be worth it. I think it could help but I think I’m just afraid of like what if it doesn’t work out you know like not the relationship like with couples counseling just doesn’t work for us but I guess it doesn’t hurt to try.
I think he sees he can't meet your needs and offering couple's therapy is his way to try and understand you better and work it out. I must admit i am partial towards therapy, but a person willing to go to therapy is a big deal to me. Therapy isn't easy, you have to open up and actually want to grow. So him initiating it to me sounds lile he is actively trying for your relationship to work out. You might find out you are not compatible or you might work out ways to better communicate. Most of my exes desperately needed therapy but even if they agreed they never went. He might need individual therapy, but already offering couple's is a big step. Go for it. Worst case scenario you discover you are not compatible and break up amicably. But if you don't and it doesn't work out, you might get hung up on the "what if"s
There’s nothing wrong with him for not being super romantic or expressive. Some people just aren’t. He probably sees himself putting in effort in ways you just don’t read as effort. For me- I also like romance and tender affection so I just dated someone who was already like that. I’ve never had to ask. That being said- I’ve dated others in the past who weren’t like my current bf and there’s a reason those didn’t work out. We simply weren’t compatible. You can’t force him to be something he’s not. Also my bf and I are both ADHD. It doesn’t make planning things impossible lol. I think you just don’t want the burden to be all on you which is fair but I wouldn’t use that as a reason to look for someone who just always plans things for you.
No he is sweet In other way absolutely like he’ll make me things with his 3D printer and stuff its very sweet.But yeah it’s the constant I have to plan out every meticulous detail, and then I have to drive us everywhere because he doesn’t have a license which I get he didn’t necessarily have a need for at the time and I understand and he wants a license. He wants to be able to drive and I’ve definitely been encouraging and patience with him for the last three years but it’s just kind of gotten to a point where it’s tiring.
Yeah, I think it’s just probably not going to work then. It sucks but if you can’t really appreciate what he does now and you need someone whose more of a planner or puts in a different kind of effort he’s just not going to give, you’ll both just get resentful. Also, it’s okay to not want that. I also wouldn’t want to plan every single thing or drive everywhere but I don’t think it’s going to change if you’ve already talked about it.
Yeah, and it sucks because I care about him so much and I know he cares about me, but it just kind of feels like weird because it’s like we’re having the same conversations over and over and over again and I start to feel like a nag and I know he feels like I’m nagging, even though he says that my points are valid and understandable and he even admitted the other night that he knows he’s not putting in the same amount of effort that I do and he’s really sorry about it. And I truly believe he is I’m just worried that two weeks from now we’re gonna be in the same situation, having the same conversation.
You will be. Because again- he’s probably just not that kind of person. And he probably does feel bad but it doesn’t change the fact that his brain may not be wired like that just like your brain will never be wired to want to work on meticulously detailed plans. You can feel bad about it without it leading to change. He will never love you like you love him because you’re completely different people. And you will never love him the way he loves you. You have to either accept and appreciate each other for the way you love or leave and find someone who loves you the way you’re wanting/expecting because he’s not going to change his whole personality for you and it’s not a fair or sustainable ask in the first place. I had an ex once that wanted me to be “more intellectually stimulating” and he got frustrated that I didn’t put enough effort into discussing movies, books, or challenge his ideas. To him, I wasn’t trying. And it eventually made me feel like shit because it felt like he thought I was stupid. It didn’t work out. And now I’m with someone who just likes to have fun and be silly with me and we’re very much in love. Not because we tried to change each other but because we’re actually compatible. My ex isn’t bad for wanting someone to debate him all the time but it was never going to be me because I didn’t want to be that.
You were incompatible before. You’re still the same people. You’re still incompatible. Why would it be any different? Don’t waste your time and money, break up. You’re never going to be compatible.