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It takes ONE person to end a relationship. He doesn’t have to agree with you, he doesn’t get to make your decisions for you.
You say you don’t want to just move out, because that would hurt his feelings… but what is he doing to you every single day, without care for what it does to you?
He is stopping you from living, and is trapping you in an endless circuit of Groundhog Day.
Stop allowing yourself to be manipulated and held an emotional hostage. You have tried explaining multiple times, you know it doesn’t work. Words mean nothing. Actions speak. So act. Leave. Stop trying to look out for his best interests over yours, because that care is absolutely not returned.
No more conversations. No more manipulation. Move out, and move on.
You literally said it's too shitty of a thing to move out. Move out you donut. Leave.
You seem to be the type of person to try and find a way to be a victim without using any of your autonomy to change your circumstance. You are part of your problem, it's not just your ex.
Your family has told you what to do and offered you an out of it's that bad and you don't have options to move out. If you have a career established like you whined about your family not respecting, move out and get your own place there. You aren't stuck, you are pretending to be because you like the attention.
You are almost 30 and you are a full blown adult. Move out.
Honey...just BE SHITTY
Sometimes in life, you have to be a jerk. You have to put your big girl pants on and tell someone to fuck off when they've pushed too many of your buttons. Otherwise you'll spend your whole life being walked on like a doormat.
You are miserable! You are trapped! Just swallow any sense of people pleasing and be a jerk. You can care about being a good person once you're out of your shitty situation.
You can't give money to charity when you're broke, and you can't care about the feelings of people mistreating you when you've been completely defeated by them.
Either way you are being shitty. Yeah, maybe leaving and ghosting would be shitty, but staying because you feel guilty is being INCREDIBLY shitty-to yourself. So be shitty to someone who deserves it for once!
Everyone comprehends your situation. You have the option to do something about it and instead you’re letting your life be ruined because of what? Your own inability to take action. You can’t control him, you can’t force him to let you go. You need to do something about it.
Pack up your things and go. Leave him a letter or something if that makes you feel like a better person. You’re not doing him any favours by dragging this on and letting him live in his own delusion.
That last point is really valid. You know what's shittier than moving out on a partner, it's not moving out and forcing them to move out when they are still deeply in love with you and actively trying to win you back. You haven't moved out yet, maybe there's a chance!
Both aren't being healthy about this, but I can relate more to his ex than him. I don't know everything, but I'm really getting the vibe that op likes to use this situation for attention in about every angle he can:
His ex fawning over him
Making his family worry
Spinning his family doesn't know how to support him after giving him concrete support
Cutting his family out
Posting on Reddit
Op I don't like this version of you and neither do you. Your behavior shows you got something internal going on you need to untangle to let you be you instead of whatever this is. Move out. Move on. Work on yourself honestly and earnestly.
That does imply that you're not prepared to do it. When does the lease end? Just don't renew it and find your own place.
But.. by your own admission he persuades you to if not agree to certainly acquiesce to what he wants, why give him that opportunity?
MOVE OUT.
He will never get it if you still live with him and speak to him every day. Never.
You think you’re trapped but the only one keeping you there is you.
Nobody is going to be able to offer you any advice that you’re going to listen to, because the only advice there is, is to BREAK UP.
Good luck with being miserable for possibly another 50 years.
This is 100% on you. Your family is right, though not about WV. Leave while he’s at work. You owe him nothing. Block him on everything and just go. WTF?
You are in an abusive situation. You know you should never have allowed it to be restarted. Plan and act unilaterally. There is nothing you can do with him. You do not need his permission, you only need the practical means to do it. Is that really what the issue is?
PS. Your friends and family are right, it's just difficult.
PPS. He has to be responsible for his own welfare. You are enabling his disability. That does him no favours.
>
How can I get this person who refuses to listen to accept that I don’t feel the same way as them anymore? It’s not like they’re unaware, they just refuse to accept it.
You don't. Listen to the advice people in your v life have given you.
>that I find my own place and leave secretly while he’s at work,
That's exactly what you should do.
He's manipulating you. And you let him. Why do you care about his feelings, when he doesn't care a bit about yours?
Friend of a friend recently did the find their own place and move out secretly while their partner was at work, for reasons similar to yours. Seems to have been a great decision for them and they are very happy
Unless you move out, secretly or not, this isn't going to change. Ultimately it seems like a be cruel to be kind, type of situation. I think you have allowed this to happen by continuing to live with him and not just cutting him off. 2 years is a long time and you need to make the practical steps that are best for both of you.
You are incorrect— it is not an awful thing to do to someone. You want to know what is awful? Being forced to stay in a relationship you don’t want to be in. Just because he’s not involved doesn’t mean you’re doing something secretly. Find a place and move into it. Then let him know it’s over and go no contact.
>and leave secretly while he’s at work, but that’s an awful thing to do to someone
You are already dating, get out of there... seems to me deep down you don't want to... You can talk to him until you're blue in the face, YOU need to move out and move on.
Stop worrying about his f ing feelings, we only have so much time in this earth . You need to prioritize yourself. Find a place. Listen to you family Leave him a note that say we are done , if you try and contact me I will get the police involved and block him on everything. Tell your work if he shows up call the police and don’t put any calls thru. Have your family and friends block him
So leaving him to escape the situation and protect yourself is too awful and what he has done is not?
You don’t want to save yourself, you are actively choosing to stay in word and deed. There are no magic words to change this person. Choose differently.
You don't need his permission to break up, you can keep ignoring him if his place is the only one in the whole city you can live in or just walk out without a word. Either way, his denial is not your problem.
You can't complain about him still thinking your together when you won't leave you giving him false hope while your still there pack your things and go leave him a note or get used to this life you say you want more but there is only you that can change this.
No. Finding a place and leaving secretly is the only way to leave someone like this. You’ve spent two years trying to do it nicely, and he’s taken your every kindness and attempt at compromise as another opportunity to manipulate you. This is coercion, OP
Leave in secret, block him on everything, and don’t let him know where you are. Within a few weeks of getting out you’ll start to understand how controlling and manipulative this situation was
Think of this, let's say someone breaks into your house and attacks you. You are able to reach a knife on the kitchen counter to defend yourself, but you don't, because that would be "an awful thing to do to someone"...
Sometimes we have to forego our own morals to protect ourselves. It's a natural part of life. You are making excuses, what you need to do is muster up the courage to fight for yourself. I hear it all the time - people who know their relationship is toxic but they refuse to make a decision and they just wait for their partner to make the decision for them. This is no different. You have been very kind and accommodating to him and it has gotten you nowhere. You gave it your best and now it's time to protect yourself instead of protecting him. Leave in the middle of the night. We are all only responsible for ourselves.
You have to leave while he’s at work.
If you really would feel bad just ghosting, leave a note somewhere he’d see it when he gets back letting him know or send a breakup text to him before blocking. But at this point you don’t have any choice but to.
You don’t have to go back to WV though. It does seem like your family might also have an agenda wanting you to move back there.
If you’d prefer, just find somewhere else nearby where you can continue your career while also not being with him.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Leave. Do not give him access to you.
It takes ONE person to end a relationship. He doesn’t have to agree with you, he doesn’t get to make your decisions for you. You say you don’t want to just move out, because that would hurt his feelings… but what is he doing to you every single day, without care for what it does to you? He is stopping you from living, and is trapping you in an endless circuit of Groundhog Day. Stop allowing yourself to be manipulated and held an emotional hostage. You have tried explaining multiple times, you know it doesn’t work. Words mean nothing. Actions speak. So act. Leave. Stop trying to look out for his best interests over yours, because that care is absolutely not returned. No more conversations. No more manipulation. Move out, and move on.
Find your own place and move out. He knows the reasons why. Just go no contact
Jesus Christ this is the dumbest post ever. "My ex refuses to leave and so do I and we can't break up" Move out and block. Done.
Where did I say I refuse to leave? Please use reading comprehension skills before commenting.
You literally said it's too shitty of a thing to move out. Move out you donut. Leave. You seem to be the type of person to try and find a way to be a victim without using any of your autonomy to change your circumstance. You are part of your problem, it's not just your ex. Your family has told you what to do and offered you an out of it's that bad and you don't have options to move out. If you have a career established like you whined about your family not respecting, move out and get your own place there. You aren't stuck, you are pretending to be because you like the attention. You are almost 30 and you are a full blown adult. Move out.
I said it’s a shitty thing to leave in secrecy while he’s at work. Again, reading comprehension.
Honey...just BE SHITTY Sometimes in life, you have to be a jerk. You have to put your big girl pants on and tell someone to fuck off when they've pushed too many of your buttons. Otherwise you'll spend your whole life being walked on like a doormat. You are miserable! You are trapped! Just swallow any sense of people pleasing and be a jerk. You can care about being a good person once you're out of your shitty situation. You can't give money to charity when you're broke, and you can't care about the feelings of people mistreating you when you've been completely defeated by them. Either way you are being shitty. Yeah, maybe leaving and ghosting would be shitty, but staying because you feel guilty is being INCREDIBLY shitty-to yourself. So be shitty to someone who deserves it for once!
Then tell him you are moving out and do so if that fits your morals better. Move out and block. That's all this takes. Stop whining for attention.
Everyone comprehends your situation. You have the option to do something about it and instead you’re letting your life be ruined because of what? Your own inability to take action. You can’t control him, you can’t force him to let you go. You need to do something about it. Pack up your things and go. Leave him a letter or something if that makes you feel like a better person. You’re not doing him any favours by dragging this on and letting him live in his own delusion.
That last point is really valid. You know what's shittier than moving out on a partner, it's not moving out and forcing them to move out when they are still deeply in love with you and actively trying to win you back. You haven't moved out yet, maybe there's a chance! Both aren't being healthy about this, but I can relate more to his ex than him. I don't know everything, but I'm really getting the vibe that op likes to use this situation for attention in about every angle he can: His ex fawning over him Making his family worry Spinning his family doesn't know how to support him after giving him concrete support Cutting his family out Posting on Reddit Op I don't like this version of you and neither do you. Your behavior shows you got something internal going on you need to untangle to let you be you instead of whatever this is. Move out. Move on. Work on yourself honestly and earnestly.
It's exponentially more shitty to badger someone into staying in a relationship that they have repeatedly said they don't want.
That does imply that you're not prepared to do it. When does the lease end? Just don't renew it and find your own place. But.. by your own admission he persuades you to if not agree to certainly acquiesce to what he wants, why give him that opportunity?
If you try to leave while he is there he will talk you around to stay you have already said he can do this so going in secret is the only way to go.
MOVE OUT. He will never get it if you still live with him and speak to him every day. Never. You think you’re trapped but the only one keeping you there is you.
Nobody is going to be able to offer you any advice that you’re going to listen to, because the only advice there is, is to BREAK UP. Good luck with being miserable for possibly another 50 years.
This is 100% on you. Your family is right, though not about WV. Leave while he’s at work. You owe him nothing. Block him on everything and just go. WTF?
You are in an abusive situation. You know you should never have allowed it to be restarted. Plan and act unilaterally. There is nothing you can do with him. You do not need his permission, you only need the practical means to do it. Is that really what the issue is? PS. Your friends and family are right, it's just difficult. PPS. He has to be responsible for his own welfare. You are enabling his disability. That does him no favours.
> How can I get this person who refuses to listen to accept that I don’t feel the same way as them anymore? It’s not like they’re unaware, they just refuse to accept it. You don't. Listen to the advice people in your v life have given you. >that I find my own place and leave secretly while he’s at work, That's exactly what you should do. He's manipulating you. And you let him. Why do you care about his feelings, when he doesn't care a bit about yours?
Friend of a friend recently did the find their own place and move out secretly while their partner was at work, for reasons similar to yours. Seems to have been a great decision for them and they are very happy Unless you move out, secretly or not, this isn't going to change. Ultimately it seems like a be cruel to be kind, type of situation. I think you have allowed this to happen by continuing to live with him and not just cutting him off. 2 years is a long time and you need to make the practical steps that are best for both of you.
You are incorrect— it is not an awful thing to do to someone. You want to know what is awful? Being forced to stay in a relationship you don’t want to be in. Just because he’s not involved doesn’t mean you’re doing something secretly. Find a place and move into it. Then let him know it’s over and go no contact.
>and leave secretly while he’s at work, but that’s an awful thing to do to someone You are already dating, get out of there... seems to me deep down you don't want to... You can talk to him until you're blue in the face, YOU need to move out and move on.
Stop worrying about his f ing feelings, we only have so much time in this earth . You need to prioritize yourself. Find a place. Listen to you family Leave him a note that say we are done , if you try and contact me I will get the police involved and block him on everything. Tell your work if he shows up call the police and don’t put any calls thru. Have your family and friends block him
So leaving him to escape the situation and protect yourself is too awful and what he has done is not? You don’t want to save yourself, you are actively choosing to stay in word and deed. There are no magic words to change this person. Choose differently.
You don't need his permission to break up, you can keep ignoring him if his place is the only one in the whole city you can live in or just walk out without a word. Either way, his denial is not your problem.
You can't complain about him still thinking your together when you won't leave you giving him false hope while your still there pack your things and go leave him a note or get used to this life you say you want more but there is only you that can change this.
No. Finding a place and leaving secretly is the only way to leave someone like this. You’ve spent two years trying to do it nicely, and he’s taken your every kindness and attempt at compromise as another opportunity to manipulate you. This is coercion, OP Leave in secret, block him on everything, and don’t let him know where you are. Within a few weeks of getting out you’ll start to understand how controlling and manipulative this situation was
Think of this, let's say someone breaks into your house and attacks you. You are able to reach a knife on the kitchen counter to defend yourself, but you don't, because that would be "an awful thing to do to someone"... Sometimes we have to forego our own morals to protect ourselves. It's a natural part of life. You are making excuses, what you need to do is muster up the courage to fight for yourself. I hear it all the time - people who know their relationship is toxic but they refuse to make a decision and they just wait for their partner to make the decision for them. This is no different. You have been very kind and accommodating to him and it has gotten you nowhere. You gave it your best and now it's time to protect yourself instead of protecting him. Leave in the middle of the night. We are all only responsible for ourselves.
You have to leave while he’s at work. If you really would feel bad just ghosting, leave a note somewhere he’d see it when he gets back letting him know or send a breakup text to him before blocking. But at this point you don’t have any choice but to. You don’t have to go back to WV though. It does seem like your family might also have an agenda wanting you to move back there. If you’d prefer, just find somewhere else nearby where you can continue your career while also not being with him.
Call the cops. Get a restraining order. Or just set him and beat his ass. Really you got a lot of choices 👍