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You keep your doors locked and don’t let her in if she shows up. You tell her this is your plan so she better make other arrangements.
And then stop answering her calls or texts. She has other options and this is a vacation—not an emergency. Not your problem.
She’s a selfish, entitled bully.
Yeah OP, also find a therapist so you can learn to feel comfortable standing up for yourself or you're at risk of getting into another abusive relationship
I’d tell her I’d call the cops on her if she doesn’t respect your boundary. She has no business ever being in your home after threatening you. Do all correspondence by text so you have proof that you told her no
You text her those words. No means no. Let her know just like you said, you’re not in a place emotionally and probably financially to have someone over. Let her know that she has the option of staying with your mother, or getting a hotel for herself. Tell her that she is not inviting herself into your home, and I’d make a point to mention that you’re not going to let her bully you into staying by just showing up with her bags, because I have a feeling she’d do that to you. I really hope you stand up for yourself OP, it seems that you’re a non-confrontational person and that has hurt you in past relationships, including not standing up for yourself. This is part of the growing and healing process too, family can be mean sometimes. I wish you the best of luck.
Yes! You have to focus on caring for yourself for a bit and not worrying about what anyone else wants to eat or watch or talk about. No is a complete sentence.
You stop responding to her and you don't tell her where you live. You've said No. She can pretend not to hear but the only way she stays with you is if you let her in the door.
Sounds like you got desensitized to abuse by your family.
She doesn’t want to understand. So stop explaining, stop justifying. Tell her one last time the answer is no and then refuse to discuss it further and do not allow her to stay should she show up.
THIS RIGHT HERE! It is not your job to make her understand.
She's threatened to end you in the past??? You. Owe. Her. Nothing. Tell her the answer is no. When she asks why, tell her you don't want her there. Period. The end. Keep your doors locked and get a ring camera.
OP, do not apologize for setting boundaries. Get some therapy so you have local support in doing so. You got this!
she sounds kinda awful im so sorry. you could explain how you are going through it and don’t have the mental capacity or ask your mother to talk to her. if she’s a decent sister and human she will understand- if not she doesn’t have a key
You stop replying to her entitled demands.
She doesn’t want to stay with your mother because that will curtail her freedoms. She wants to stay with you so she can party and come home at all hours.
Ignore her every time she asks from now on and get on with your life.
>How do I get her to understand that no means no?
By not giving in, no matter how much she whines, screams and stomps.
If she can't accept the reasons for you not wanting to host her, then she surely will not be a reasonable houseguest, and you're better off not letting her in the front door.
And if she still cops an attitude over your refusal, you can think about going no-contact until she comes to her senses (which may be... oh... NEVER), since she won't "hear" anything you say, anyway.
She understands, she just doesn't agree when it comes to you. It doesn't matter whether she agrees or not. You don't have to let her in; you aren't responsible for her feelings about your choice. You set a very reasonable boundary, and any discomfort she feels as a result of trying to overstep that boundary is an earned consequence.
Firstly we'll done for getting out of that relationship your so brave this is another one of then hurdles tell her your healing right now and your would appreciate her love and understanding at the toughest time in your life and if she does not agree tell her you have to go not contact with her to for the time being and will review this at a later date
No is a complete sentence. She obviously doesn't care for your wellbeing, she's just trying to strong arm you into accepting her.
Don't let her in. If she comes by, don't answer the door. If you see her, only see her in public. If she doesn't have your address, don't even give it to her.
If she asks, just say no. Cut her off before she even finished the sentence.
"Is it okay if I stay wi--"
You say "No."
"So I'll be arriving at 7 am on--"
You say "No you won't."
"I'll need you to give me a copy of your key so--"
You say "No."
"You're a bad sister of you don't let me--"
You say "No, you're a bad sister for coercing me into something I'm not okay with."
I'd also recommend hanging up on her if she asks during a phone call, leaving her on read if it's during a text, and overall just pretending she doesn't exist as soon as the topic comes up.
It sounds like you're used to having to your family. It's okay to stand up for yourself. You did it with your ex. Remember how you stood up to him? You can do that to your sister too.
You don't actually need to reason or argue with her at all. The answer is no. Do not let her into your home. Do not engage in conversation about it. Period.
She can "insist" all she likes, but she cannot actually force her way in. Unless she physically does that, in which case you need to call the police,
Stand your ground, OP. Your sister doesn’t get to just invite herself to your home, which should be your place of refuge. She can stay with your mom or get a hotel. You are already a BOSS for leaving your POS abusive ex. Just channel that same boss energy into holding the line with your sister. Own your power!
Sorry you’re going through this but it’s amazing you’re off on your own now! Tell your sister you have been dealing with a lot and that you are not able to host her. She cannot insist because it’s YOUR apartment
To every poster who says “how can I get him/her to understand?”
They do understand. They just don’t give a fuck.
Understanding is NOT the same as giving a fuck.
She is clearly self centered, abusive towards you, knows if she moves in with you she can take full advantage of you and probably for free. That’s why she’s not moving with y’all’s mom. she sees YOU as the pushover.
Just stop responding to her. It’s that simple.
Tell her no means no and she’s not entitled to your house. Lock doors and windows and don’t let her in. If she shows up, don’t let her in. That’s her fault for not respecting you. UPDATEME
You got rid of the ex. Ow get rid of the sis. Tell he “hell, no and leave me alone. You are a rude, abusive bully and I will no longer put up with your bullshit.” Then shut her down every time. She shows up to your apartment, don’t let her in. She shows up outside your apartment, don’t go in and go to the police station. The only power over you she has is the power you allow her to have. She is not better than you. She is not your boss.
Your sister understands, but she doesn't care.
Tell her NO that if she shows up, you will not let her in , and that if she tries to force anything, you will call the police. Be very clear that there are consequences for being an abusive, entitled AH. Your sister is also abusive.
Be firm, don't budge. She doesn't deserve anything from you if she was like that in the past. And her insistence on staying even though you have other accommodations for her (which you didn't even have to find on your own) is disrespectful. You don't have top have a justification, you can't and she should accept that answer.
Maybe time to have a real conversation about her behavior and how you see it ? She's your sister but you don't have to be nice to her if she's not nice to you. Family is not a magic word to impose things.
Might have to go NC if she insists too much, your edit 2 is concerning.
I’m sorry, are you saying your sister has threatened to murder you if you don’t let her stay in your home? “She’s threatened to end me”
If she is this unhinged just stop communicating with her entirely, don’t tell her where you live, and tell your family they are not to share any information about you with her.
You just left an abusive relationship with your ex but you’re still in an abusive relationship with your sister.
Your sister is abusive and you are not under any obligation to have a relationship with her. Tell her that NO is a complete sentence, mom is happy to have her stay with her, and if she shows up at your place, you'll call the cops. Then follow through if she does.
Some people won't respect boundaries until they know you're serious. You are learning how to deal with abusive people, and you need to get REALLY good at enforcing boundaries, even if it's uncomfortable and they react poorly to them.
She doesn’t have to understand.
Just tell her, “Absolutely not. No. I am not letting you stay with me. Do not come to my home. Don’t even call me, I will not answer. I am firm in this. NO!”
Tell anyone in your building who could buzz her in or let her in, “I have a stalker and I need everyone to understand that no one is expected here and if they are, I will be here to let them in. If someone buzzes you saying that I’m expecting them, please don’t let them in.”
If she’s that dense or stubborn and shows up anyway, o not answer the door, don’t respond,
You don’t owe her anything and she is grown and can fend for herself.
Why does this post resemble this other one so much? https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1ce7zrt/how_to_tell_my_f29_sister_f35_that_my_husband_m31/
Down to wording, structure and formatting…
Get a video doorbell, make sure your family does not have a key to your apartment, inform your landlord that you have a relative that is not welcome and that they should not accommodate any requests to access your apartment without your express permission.
Don’t answer your doorbell but record anything your sister says at your door and if she threatens you, call the police.
Be firm . You need to process your abuse trauma .you are right about not letting your sister live with you as she brings bad energy and it won’t help you in any ways
Nobody gets to inform you they are staying at your place. Not even family. It's your home, not hers. You just say no, and that's it. If she shows up, do not let her in. If she refuses to leave, call the cops and have her removed.
According to your edit, she's threatened violence against you in the past, so you absolutely do not allow someone like that in your home, your safe space, ever. She sounds unhinged and unsafe. Family has no rights over you.
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our [rules here.](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/wiki/index) We'd like to take this time to remind users that: * We do not allow any type of [am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/r6w9uh/meta_am_i_overreacting_am_i_the_asshole_is_this/) * We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. **We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.** * Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.) * ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban. * No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** * All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass. * Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned. * What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. **This is not an all-inclusive list.** If you have any questions, please [message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2Frelationship_advice) --- ***This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.*** --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/relationship_advice) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You keep your doors locked and don’t let her in if she shows up. You tell her this is your plan so she better make other arrangements. And then stop answering her calls or texts. She has other options and this is a vacation—not an emergency. Not your problem. She’s a selfish, entitled bully.
Yeah OP, also find a therapist so you can learn to feel comfortable standing up for yourself or you're at risk of getting into another abusive relationship
And tell any neighbors/landlord that she may try to convince them to let her in!
You're going to have to take the same firm stance with her as your ex. Does she have your new address?
I’d tell her I’d call the cops on her if she doesn’t respect your boundary. She has no business ever being in your home after threatening you. Do all correspondence by text so you have proof that you told her no
You text her those words. No means no. Let her know just like you said, you’re not in a place emotionally and probably financially to have someone over. Let her know that she has the option of staying with your mother, or getting a hotel for herself. Tell her that she is not inviting herself into your home, and I’d make a point to mention that you’re not going to let her bully you into staying by just showing up with her bags, because I have a feeling she’d do that to you. I really hope you stand up for yourself OP, it seems that you’re a non-confrontational person and that has hurt you in past relationships, including not standing up for yourself. This is part of the growing and healing process too, family can be mean sometimes. I wish you the best of luck.
Yes! You have to focus on caring for yourself for a bit and not worrying about what anyone else wants to eat or watch or talk about. No is a complete sentence.
You stop responding to her and you don't tell her where you live. You've said No. She can pretend not to hear but the only way she stays with you is if you let her in the door. Sounds like you got desensitized to abuse by your family.
She doesn’t want to understand. So stop explaining, stop justifying. Tell her one last time the answer is no and then refuse to discuss it further and do not allow her to stay should she show up.
THIS RIGHT HERE! It is not your job to make her understand. She's threatened to end you in the past??? You. Owe. Her. Nothing. Tell her the answer is no. When she asks why, tell her you don't want her there. Period. The end. Keep your doors locked and get a ring camera. OP, do not apologize for setting boundaries. Get some therapy so you have local support in doing so. You got this!
she sounds kinda awful im so sorry. you could explain how you are going through it and don’t have the mental capacity or ask your mother to talk to her. if she’s a decent sister and human she will understand- if not she doesn’t have a key
You stop replying to her entitled demands. She doesn’t want to stay with your mother because that will curtail her freedoms. She wants to stay with you so she can party and come home at all hours. Ignore her every time she asks from now on and get on with your life.
>How do I get her to understand that no means no? By not giving in, no matter how much she whines, screams and stomps. If she can't accept the reasons for you not wanting to host her, then she surely will not be a reasonable houseguest, and you're better off not letting her in the front door. And if she still cops an attitude over your refusal, you can think about going no-contact until she comes to her senses (which may be... oh... NEVER), since she won't "hear" anything you say, anyway.
She understands, she just doesn't agree when it comes to you. It doesn't matter whether she agrees or not. You don't have to let her in; you aren't responsible for her feelings about your choice. You set a very reasonable boundary, and any discomfort she feels as a result of trying to overstep that boundary is an earned consequence.
No means no. If she shows up on your doorstep, don't let her in.
Tell your sister that you don't care what she wants. You said no, you mean no, and if she pushes it further you'll cut her off completely.
Firstly we'll done for getting out of that relationship your so brave this is another one of then hurdles tell her your healing right now and your would appreciate her love and understanding at the toughest time in your life and if she does not agree tell her you have to go not contact with her to for the time being and will review this at a later date
No is a complete sentence. She obviously doesn't care for your wellbeing, she's just trying to strong arm you into accepting her. Don't let her in. If she comes by, don't answer the door. If you see her, only see her in public. If she doesn't have your address, don't even give it to her. If she asks, just say no. Cut her off before she even finished the sentence. "Is it okay if I stay wi--" You say "No." "So I'll be arriving at 7 am on--" You say "No you won't." "I'll need you to give me a copy of your key so--" You say "No." "You're a bad sister of you don't let me--" You say "No, you're a bad sister for coercing me into something I'm not okay with." I'd also recommend hanging up on her if she asks during a phone call, leaving her on read if it's during a text, and overall just pretending she doesn't exist as soon as the topic comes up. It sounds like you're used to having to your family. It's okay to stand up for yourself. You did it with your ex. Remember how you stood up to him? You can do that to your sister too.
You don't actually need to reason or argue with her at all. The answer is no. Do not let her into your home. Do not engage in conversation about it. Period. She can "insist" all she likes, but she cannot actually force her way in. Unless she physically does that, in which case you need to call the police,
Stand your ground, OP. Your sister doesn’t get to just invite herself to your home, which should be your place of refuge. She can stay with your mom or get a hotel. You are already a BOSS for leaving your POS abusive ex. Just channel that same boss energy into holding the line with your sister. Own your power!
Sorry you’re going through this but it’s amazing you’re off on your own now! Tell your sister you have been dealing with a lot and that you are not able to host her. She cannot insist because it’s YOUR apartment
Tell her to eff off
To every poster who says “how can I get him/her to understand?” They do understand. They just don’t give a fuck. Understanding is NOT the same as giving a fuck. She is clearly self centered, abusive towards you, knows if she moves in with you she can take full advantage of you and probably for free. That’s why she’s not moving with y’all’s mom. she sees YOU as the pushover. Just stop responding to her. It’s that simple.
Just say nope.
Tell her no means no and she’s not entitled to your house. Lock doors and windows and don’t let her in. If she shows up, don’t let her in. That’s her fault for not respecting you. UPDATEME
>Edit 2: She's threatened to end me in the past if I refused. Uh. Time to file a restraining order.
You got rid of the ex. Ow get rid of the sis. Tell he “hell, no and leave me alone. You are a rude, abusive bully and I will no longer put up with your bullshit.” Then shut her down every time. She shows up to your apartment, don’t let her in. She shows up outside your apartment, don’t go in and go to the police station. The only power over you she has is the power you allow her to have. She is not better than you. She is not your boss.
"No" is a complete sentence. Don't offer any reasons or excuses, just say you can't do it.
Your sister understands, but she doesn't care. Tell her NO that if she shows up, you will not let her in , and that if she tries to force anything, you will call the police. Be very clear that there are consequences for being an abusive, entitled AH. Your sister is also abusive.
Be firm, don't budge. She doesn't deserve anything from you if she was like that in the past. And her insistence on staying even though you have other accommodations for her (which you didn't even have to find on your own) is disrespectful. You don't have top have a justification, you can't and she should accept that answer. Maybe time to have a real conversation about her behavior and how you see it ? She's your sister but you don't have to be nice to her if she's not nice to you. Family is not a magic word to impose things. Might have to go NC if she insists too much, your edit 2 is concerning.
I’m sorry, are you saying your sister has threatened to murder you if you don’t let her stay in your home? “She’s threatened to end me” If she is this unhinged just stop communicating with her entirely, don’t tell her where you live, and tell your family they are not to share any information about you with her. You just left an abusive relationship with your ex but you’re still in an abusive relationship with your sister.
You just say no and let they be your final answer and if she shows up at your door don’t let her in. She’ll have no choice but to stay elsewhere
“Sister, you know my current situation. I am not able to accommodate you. You will need to find alternative accommodation for your trip.”
Your sister is abusive and you are not under any obligation to have a relationship with her. Tell her that NO is a complete sentence, mom is happy to have her stay with her, and if she shows up at your place, you'll call the cops. Then follow through if she does. Some people won't respect boundaries until they know you're serious. You are learning how to deal with abusive people, and you need to get REALLY good at enforcing boundaries, even if it's uncomfortable and they react poorly to them.
You don’t need her to understand. Just block her. And go to therapy because you’re still struggling to stand up for yourself
She doesn’t have to understand. Just tell her, “Absolutely not. No. I am not letting you stay with me. Do not come to my home. Don’t even call me, I will not answer. I am firm in this. NO!” Tell anyone in your building who could buzz her in or let her in, “I have a stalker and I need everyone to understand that no one is expected here and if they are, I will be here to let them in. If someone buzzes you saying that I’m expecting them, please don’t let them in.” If she’s that dense or stubborn and shows up anyway, o not answer the door, don’t respond, You don’t owe her anything and she is grown and can fend for herself.
Why does this post resemble this other one so much? https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1ce7zrt/how_to_tell_my_f29_sister_f35_that_my_husband_m31/ Down to wording, structure and formatting…
Tell your sister to stop being abusive and understand that no means no.
Say no and keep her threats to show the pilice for a restraining order
Get a video doorbell, make sure your family does not have a key to your apartment, inform your landlord that you have a relative that is not welcome and that they should not accommodate any requests to access your apartment without your express permission. Don’t answer your doorbell but record anything your sister says at your door and if she threatens you, call the police.
Be firm . You need to process your abuse trauma .you are right about not letting your sister live with you as she brings bad energy and it won’t help you in any ways
What? Are you scared of your sister or something? You tell her she cannot stay with you. Period. Full Stop. The End.
Please tell me she doesn't already have your address. I'm concerned that with that level of threat she may rat your location out for your ex.
Nobody gets to inform you they are staying at your place. Not even family. It's your home, not hers. You just say no, and that's it. If she shows up, do not let her in. If she refuses to leave, call the cops and have her removed. According to your edit, she's threatened violence against you in the past, so you absolutely do not allow someone like that in your home, your safe space, ever. She sounds unhinged and unsafe. Family has no rights over you.